0:04 There are plenty of options that press
0:07 themselves forward for consideration as
0:10 the most romantic phrase we could ever
0:12 utter to someone. I will never leave
0:15 you. I feel utterly seen by you. You are
0:18 incomparably beautiful. But we may need
0:20 to go down another more surprising
0:22 sterner route to really honor the
0:25 inquiry. If we define romantic in an
0:28 effective sense, meaning helpful to the
0:31 survival and enhancement of love, then
0:33 we may need a very different approach,
0:36 we may need a sentence like, "If you
0:38 ever stop being nice to me, I will leave
0:42 you in short order. It may sound brutal
0:45 on first reading, bitter, paranoid, a
0:47 bit jumpy, far from what we imagine
0:49 romantic to mean. There must be a mistake."
0:51 mistake."
0:54 But with a few ghastly experiences
0:56 behind us, we'll know that this is
0:58 precisely what we may need to say in a
1:01 kindly but confident voice if the
1:03 qualities on display in a sweet opening
1:06 moments of love, tenderness, kindness,
1:08 consideration, thoughtfulness,
1:11 politeness are not to give way in time
1:14 to scratchiness, irritability, neglect,
1:16 and infidelity.
1:18 It's a bitter truth that other people
1:21 treat us more or less exactly in line
1:24 with the way we imply that we can bear
1:27 to be treated. Lovers sense one
1:29 another's limits and will push
1:32 relentlessly forward until they reach
1:34 them. If we send out signals that we
1:38 will reluctantly but passively take
1:41 mystery, take unfair accusations, take a
1:43 lack of effort, take cancelled plans,
1:45 and take the constant intrusions of a
1:50 gang of mean-minded friends. Then cruy,
1:52 this is precisely what we will end up
1:54 having to deal with. Our furniture will
1:57 be scratched, our fridge emptied, our
2:00 patients exhausted. The human animal, in
2:02 all its perversity and sinfulness,
2:05 subtly, intuitively adjusts to precisely
2:08 the expectations placed upon it by its
2:11 partners. We do as much as, and not a
2:14 jot more than we're called upon to do.
2:16 We'll do manners when manners have been
2:19 insisted upon, and we'll do casual
2:22 impedent disrespect when they haven't.
2:24 We'll do apologies when these have been
2:27 set as the price of peace, and otherwise
2:30 we'll sulk and throw blame around. As
2:31 teachers with impeccably behaved
2:34 classrooms have long known, the audience
2:37 adjusts itself to whatever expectations
2:40 have been defined. Those who signal big
2:43 consequences seldom have to meet them
2:46 out. Surprisingly, though such
2:48 intentions may sound harsh, no one
2:51 especially minds. They may even feel
2:54 immensely grateful and more loved. It
2:56 can be profoundly reassuring to be in
2:58 the presence of people who promise to
3:01 protect us against our own sloppiness,
3:03 who restrain our temptations to
3:06 decadence, who are on the side of our
3:09 more exigent hopes for ourselves. No
3:12 child actually likes an adult who will
3:15 let them do anything, and nor does a lover.
3:16 lover.
3:18 Half the population have known all this
3:20 in their bones from the start. The
3:22 wisdom began on the first day of school.
3:24 Don't let them mess around with you for
3:26 a moment. If they touch a hair on you,
3:28 they won't know what hit them. Those who
3:31 were protected by other people, grow
3:33 into native experts at protecting themselves.
3:34 themselves.
3:36 But the rest of us, the ones who may
3:38 have wasted a decade or two in
3:40 shenanigans with sweet-faced monsters,
3:43 we need to learn the lessons the hard
3:46 way. from waking up in appalled wonder
3:48 after our bank account has been emptied
3:49 or our partner vanishes with someone
3:52 they had an affair with online. Those
3:55 with a bad childhood must suffer twice.
3:57 The first time in the childhood itself,
4:00 the second from the expectations of ill
4:02 treatment that they silently bring to
4:05 bear upon their adult relationships.
4:07 The next time we begin a love story, we
4:10 must be immensely kind. Of course, we
4:12 must listen. We must invite them out. We
4:14 must remember special occasions and send
4:16 sensitive messages.
4:19 But we must also defend ourselves with a
4:22 lion's strength against their and our
4:26 own temptations to cruelty. We will only
4:29 make love truly flourish by insisting
4:32 very tenderly, very early on, that we
