This content shares profound life lessons learned over the past year, emphasizing self-respect, authentic connection, and intentional living through practical insights on boundaries, attention, and personal growth.
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You think saying no will let the other
person down. Well, guess what? When you
say yes when you don't want to, you let
yourself down and you let that person
down. And in the long term, you actually
end up building resentment. It's better
to say no and continue to have a
relationship than say yes and resent the relationship.
relationship.
>> The number one health and wellness podcast,
podcast,
>> J Shetty. J Shetty,
>> the one, the only J Shetty.
>> Hey everyone, it's J Shetty. Welcome
back to On Purpose. It blows my mind
that millions of you tune in every
single day to listen and to watch. Make
sure you've subscribed to my YouTube
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And make sure you've subscribed on
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a drop. I've got so many exciting things
coming your way. Now, it's a very
special episode today because tomorrow,
if you're listening to this on the 5th
of September, 2025, tomorrow, the 6th of
September, is my birthday. And every
year, I love to do a reflection
introspection episode. Today I'm going
to share with you lessons I've learned
in the last 12 months. They're about
life, people, relationships.
I'm going to give you the biggest ones
that I've taken away. These are real
lessons that have come from lived
experience, come from my own mistakes,
come from my own challenges and
struggles. And I love doing this episode
for you every year because it really
gets me into my own heart and mind, and
I get to open up about it with all of
you. I always find that birthdays become
about parties. They become about gifts.
They become about presents and time with
the people you love. And those are all
really beautiful things. But for me,
they're also a time of taking stock,
evaluating, auditing, and looking at my
life, making sure that I'm moving in the
direction that I want, that I'm serving
my mission and purpose in the way that I
want, and that I'm showing up for myself
and the people I love, in the way that I
want. It's a beautiful annual ritual
that I love to do, and I'm so glad I get
to share it with you all on the podcast.
So, here are the top 10 lessons I've
learned in the last 12 months.
The first one is helping less can
actually help more.
This one is so hard to say as a coach.
It's so hard to say as someone who's
always trying to help others. It's so
hard to admit as someone who wants to
see others grow. And I'm sure you're the
same. When you love someone, when you
care about them, you want to help them,
you want to be there for them, you want
to show up for them, you want to solve
all their problems, you want to fix
everything. But here's what I've
learned. Often when you try to help
others, you can actually end up hurting
them. You hurt them not because of you
helping, but because you're helping ends
up enabling them. It ends up making them dependent.
dependent.
It makes them feel that they're
inadequate to make the change
themselves. It makes them feel that they
can't depend on themselves. They have to
depend on you. It makes them feel that
if you're not around, they might not
know the answer.
Really powerful leaders make people
believe in themselves.
You're not trying to get people to
believe in your advice, to think that
you're a great person because you're
always around. You want people to
reconnect with their own intuition,
their own gut instinct. And when you're
busy solving, fixing, and helping everything,
everything,
they never get the opportunity to do that.
that.
Ask yourself when you're helping
someone, are you giving them the
opportunity to help themselves or are
you taking it away? When you're trying
to support someone, are you assisting or
are you trying to solve everything for
them? When you're trying to be present
for someone, are you actually trying to
fix and control everything
or are you just there for a helping
hand? It's so counterintuitive, but it's
true. Overhelping creates dependency.
Studies on learned helplessness show
that if you rescue people too often,
they stop building resilience. If you
always rescue someone when they're in
danger, they don't develop the skills
themselves. If you always fix things for
people when they're struggling, they
don't learn to fix it themselves. If
you're always rushing to help someone
when they're going through a challenge,
they may lose the ability to help
themselves and you may hurt them instead.
instead.
Your best intention
could actually cause someone long-term
pain. Sometimes the kindest thing you
can do is step back and let someone stumble.
stumble.
Real coaching isn't carrying someone up
the mountain. It's reminding them they
have legs. We think helping people is
always noble. But sometimes help is just
disguised control. Think about that for
a second. When you jump in too quickly,
you teach people that they can't handle
life without you. When you carry their
load, they never build the muscle to
carry it themselves.
When you do everything for someone,
they develop learned helplessness.
When people stop trying because someone
else always steps in. Your rescuing can
rob them of resilience. Your fixing can
steal their chance to figure it out.
Your guidance can block them from
developing their own inner compass.
Helping someone can actually hurt them.
Trying to fix someone can actually make
them feel more broken. When you rush to
solve, you send the hidden message. You
can't do this without me. It can turn
love into pity. It can turn care into control.
control.
Support doesn't mean solving. Love
doesn't mean fixing. Compassion doesn't
mean control.
Helping someone can hurt them. Fixing
someone can break them. Carrying someone
can weaken them. Protecting someone
can trap them. Saving someone can
silence them. People don't grow when you
do it for them. They grow when you
believe they can do it themselves. They
don't need your rescue. They need your
trust. They don't need a fixer. They
need a witness. someone to say, "I saw
you do that and I'm here to watch you do
it again. I'm here to give you a helping
hand if that's what you need right now."
But realizing that you don't want to
take away their opportunity. It's almost
like saying, "Hey, I'll be with you at
the gym, but I'll lift the weights for
you." That wouldn't make any sense,
right? I can be with you at the gym, but
I can't lift the weights for you. I'll
be with you by your side, but I'm going
to do the diet for you. It doesn't work
that way. You can't transfer your
sacrifice into someone else's success.
You can't transfer your discipline
into someone else's desire. You can't
transfer your work into someone else's worth.
worth.
It doesn't work that way. They have to
have the discipline. They have to do the
work. They have to make the sacrifice.
You can be there by their side, but you
can't do it for them. This is a huge
lesson that I've learned this year. And
I've realized it's a painful one because
my nature is to want to see people reach
their potential. And I want to speed it
up for them. I want to solve it for
them. I want to accelerate it for them.
But I've seen time and time again that
when I step back, when I'm present, when
I'm there,
that person builds a confidence like
they never could have if I did it for
them. And that's actually more beautiful
to watch and observe. And I've seen it
this year and I've actually said it to
people. Hey, I am ready to help you with
whatever you need. But one thing I've
learned about growth is that I believe
you genuinely have the ability to grow
yourself. You don't need my advice. You
don't need me to tell you what to do.
You actually already know it inside of
you. I want you to connect with that.
And watch how empowered they feel.
Make people believe in them, not in you.
That's the goal. Lesson number two is
something that I've heard this year that
really resonated with me. Saying no is a
full sentence. We think yes keeps
relationships alive. But research on
boundaries shows the opposite. People
who can say no clearly are more trusted
and more respected. Every yes that
betrays yourself erodess connection.
Every no that protects your truth
deepens it. No isn't rejection. It's
honesty in its purest form. Now, we all
struggle saying no. Think about the last
time you struggled saying no. Saying no
is so hard because it triggers the fear
of rejection. Humans are wired for
belonging. Evolutionary psychology shows
rejection once meant literal death.
Exiled from the tribe, you've been
kicked out. That wiring hasn't
disappeared. Saying no feels dangerous
because our brain interprets it as
risking disconnection. Another reason
why we struggle to say no is something
known as the guilt reflex. When you say
no, and think about this the next time
you do it, especially to people close to
you, your brain actually releases the
stress hormone cortisol that mimic the
discomfort of guilt. This is why so many
people, all of us, we overexlain or we
apologize, right? We're soothing our own
nervous system, not just the other
person, because we're now feeling a
sense of guilt. But here's what happens
when you say no.
It builds self-respect.
Studies on assertiveness training show
people who practice saying no report
higher self-esteem and lower anxiety.
Every no is a small vote of confidence
that your time, energy, and needs
actually matter. This happened to me the
other day. I was actually with a friend.
I hadn't seen them for a long time and
they were telling me about some really
deep struggles they were having in their
life and someone wonderful came up to
the table who wanted a picture and to
say hello and I said, "Hey, I would love
to do it right afterwards, but I just
need to be present with this person
right now." And my heart sank. I didn't
want to say no. I get so happy when I
bump into you all at airports,
restaurants, wherever I am. I I love it.
I really enjoy seeing you all. And I
felt so bad saying, "Hey, you know what?
I'll do it later, but I can't right now
because the person I was talking to was
sharing some really emotional, difficult
stuff that they were going through, and
I wanted to be present for them. But
having done that, I could tell how much
it meant to the person with me. And I
really hope the other person understood.
It wasn't that I was being mean. It's
not that I didn't want to do it. It was
just that I was trying to draw a
boundary that was important to me. And
it's really hard. It's really hard. Nine
out of 10 times I would say yes immediately.
immediately.
But learning to say no was so important.
The other thing is that when we say yes
without alignment, it actually breeds
resentment. Think about this for a
second. When your friend asks you for
something and you want to say no, but
you say yes to people, please. You say
yes because you don't want to let them
down. You say yes because you know they
might overreact. What ends up happening
in the long term? You end up thinking,
"God, I hate this person. I've got to go
do this thing for them today. I've got
to get through this thing today. Oh my
god, I got to do this thing." It's made
into resentment. If you say yes without
alignment, it actually breeds
resentment. Social psychologists find
that when people say yes out of
obligation, it leads to cognitive
dissonance, a clash between values and
actions. Over time, this erodess
relationships more than an honest no
ever could. You think saying no will let
the other person down. Well, guess what?
When you say yes when you don't want to,
you let yourself down and you let that
person down. And in the long term, you
actually end up building resentment.
It's better to say no and continue to
have a relationship than say yes and
resent the relationship. By saying no,
you protect the quality of your future
yes. People begin to trust your yes more
because it's no longer automatic.
Boundaries create credibility. A woman
my mom worked with once told me she had
spent her entire life saying yes. Yes to
family. Yes to her kids. Yes to her
community. She was the person everyone
leaned on. Birthdays, last minute
babysitting, emotional support, loaning
money, cooking meals, you name it. If
someone asked, she said yes. But behind
the yes, she was exhausted. She felt
invisible in her own life. She told me,
"I didn't even know what I liked
anymore. I only knew what everyone else
wanted. One day, her daughter asked her
to watch the grandkids again. After she
had already cancelled plan twice that
week to help. Something inside her broke
for the first time in 30 years. She
said, "No, not today. I need rest." Her
daughter was shocked, upset, even
guilted her. And that old fear came
flooding in. What if she loved me less?
What if I'm needed less? But something
surprising happened. The world didn't
fall apart. Her daughter figured it out.
And for the first time, she spent the
day doing something just for herself,
reading, walking, and sleeping without
apology. And later her daughter
admitted, "At first I was mad, but then
I realized you've never said no to me.
You deserve to." That single no rewired
the entire family dynamic. Her daughter
stopped assuming she'd always be
available. Her grandchildren learned by
example that boundaries are normal. And
the woman herself, she told me that no
felt more like love than all the yeses I
gave for decades. Saying yes constantly
had made her resentful.
Saying no finally made her relationships
more honest.
Sometimes the most loving thing you can
do for others is to stop betraying yourself.
yourself.
Learn to say no.
Learn to say not now. Learn to say this
doesn't work for me. Learn to say I
can't carry that today. Learn to say I
need space.
Learn to say I've changed my mind. Learn
to say I deserve better.
Learn to say yes only when your whole
self agrees. Because every fake yes is a
quiet betrayal and every honest no is an
act of respect for you and for them.
Lesson number three that I've learned in
the last 12 months is your attention is
your real bank account. I noticed a few
years ago how when I started using Tik
Tok, my attention started to diminish
and it took a lot of effort to bring it
back. I was someone who loved reading
books. I was someone who loved getting
into deep journals and articles. And all
of a sudden, I saw myself looking for 8
seconds of joy, entertainment, and speed
of consumption. And I started to realize
my attention is my real bank account.
Because what makes or breaks your life
is where you spend your attention.
Cognitive psychology calls this
attentional control. And it predicts
success better than IQ. Think about it.
Billionaires go bankrupt. But someone
who can direct their focus can rebuild.
Your attention isn't just currency. It's
compound interest. Neuroscientists call
our attention a limited resource. Every
time you focus, you spend mental energy.
Like money. You can invest it, waste it,
or lose it. Unlike money, you can never
get it back. Psychologists have found
that people who learn to direct their
attention intentionally, what they read,
what they notice, who they give time to
predict life satisfaction more than
income or IQ. Stop wasting your
attention on people who don't value yours.
yours.
Stop wasting your attention on problems
you can't control. Stop wasting your
attention on scrolling through strangers
lives. Stop wasting your attention. It
is your greatest wealth. When I think
about my attention, I think about it
like my bank balance. There's only a
limited amount you have to spend.
How are you going to use it? How are you
going to direct it? How are you going to
focus it? How are you going to allow
yourself to not be consumed by
unnecessary things? Let's say someone
did something really bad to you. Let's
say someone wronged you. How much time
do I want to waste trying to solve that?
How much energy do I want to spend
trying to get an apology? How much time
am I willing to give away and never get
back hoping that person will realize
what they did was wrong? We waste hours,
days, weeks of our life on things that
won't make a difference. The next time
you're upset by something, ask yourself,
do I really care?
Even if I get the result I want, will it
really matter? Or is there a better use
of my time? Is there a better use of my
energy? Lesson number four is that
achievement without alignment feels like failure.
failure.
We think success guarantees fulfillment.
But psychology shows when your
achievements don't match your values,
they feel hollow. That's why people hit
milestones, the promotion, the house,
the wedding, and feel emptier than ever.
It's not that the house, the wedding, or
the milestone wasn't important. It's
that did you connect it to your values?
Success without alignment isn't success.
When actions and values don't match, the
brain experiences internal conflict. For
example, I value family, but I spend all
my time at work. I value creativity, but
my role only rewards efficiency. This
dissonance, this distance creates
stress, anxiety, and eventually burnout,
even in successful people. This is what
I've learned this year that really blew
my mind. I want you to remember this.
You'll become successful
by what you get. You will become happy
by what you lose. When you get a new
job, a promotion, a
new level, you'll feel successful. But
you'll only feel happy when you lose.
When you lose envy, when you lose ego,
when you lose greed. It's when we lose
that we become happy. Because for years,
I used to hear people say, "Money
doesn't buy happiness." And I used to
think to myself, well, it's really easy
because the people who often say that
are the ones with money. And so that
didn't make sense to me. And also, I saw
people with money who were happy. I saw
people without money who were happy. So
I said, "Okay, well that doesn't make
sense either." So what was it? What I
saw is that it didn't matter what you
did have or didn't have
in terms of things, in terms of success,
but it did matter what you did or didn't
have internally. So, if you had money,
but you had envy, you weren't happy. And
if you had money, but you didn't have
envy, you could be happy. It was the
lack of envy and the lack of ego that
guaranteed happiness. no matter what
position you were in. Because those were
the two traits that pushed away love and relationships.
