This content argues that effective parenting should focus on teaching children essential life skills, particularly emotional regulation, rather than relying on punishments or consequences. The core belief is that children are inherently good and need guidance to develop self-control, which will prevent problematic behaviors and foster stronger relationships.
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i'm a clinical psychologist and mom of
three on a mission to rethink the way we
raise our children [Music]
[Music]
i love translating deep thoughts about
parenting into practical
actionable strategies that you can use
in your home right away
one of my core beliefs is that we are
all doing the best we can
with the resources we have available to
us in that moment
so even as we struggle
and even as we are having a hard time on
the outside
we remain
good inside [Music]
[Music]
this episode is all about consequences
consequences
and punishments
and it's about
why i don't think consequences or
punishments are part of effective
parenting before we get into the rest of
the episode i want us to all consider this
this
our children
will all get to an age
where they don't care about our punishments
punishments
where they won't have to listen to our consequences
consequences
i always think
about a couple i saw for years who came
to me to talk about their 16 year old child
child who
who
had problem behavior for a while but now
things were so escalated where he
refused to go to school
he essentially said to them
i don't care about your sticker charts i
don't care about your punishments i
don't care about your consequences
because i'm big now and you can't
enforce any of them
what this made me think about
was the way
where if we parent our children through
a schedule of punishment and consequences
consequences
we miss out on years of developing a
relationship with them
and that's all we have with our kids
from their teenage years and on
the quality of our relationship that's
why kids come to talk to us that's why
they still want to see us that's why
they listen to us once they're
physically in a place where they don't
have to
listen to us
there are so many other reasons why
consequences and punishments
really aren't part of effective parenting
parenting
but please keep that larger picture in
mind and remember
there are so many ways we can respect
our kids
preserve a relationship with them
and respect ourselves and hold
boundaries and teach them the skills
they really need in the first place
so with all that in mind
[Music]
let's hear from our first caller kate
hi my name is kate and i'm from
pennsylvania i'm calling in because i'm
hesitant about not having punishments
for kids
i have a son who's two and
i'm not really sure how exactly i'm
supposed to teach him the idea of
there's consequences to your actions if
i don't actually give him consequences
my thing is in the real world
there's consequences to things that you
do if you go to your job and you don't
do your job or you talk back to your
boss or you do things that you're not
supposed to you get fired
that's kind of your punishment for not
doing what you're supposed to do
so i'm just wondering how am i supposed
to prepare my son for the real world in
a real way if
if
i'm not giving any type of punishment
and only establishing boundaries which
boundaries seem like a great idea but
how are you really able to establish
boundaries if there's not
a set consequence in place if it's not
followed thanks
hi kate i
i
really appreciate this voicemail i
really mean it i'm a pragmatist too and
i hear that in your voice you're
thinking when my child becomes an adult
there will be consequences if my child
acts in certain ways like you said there
are consequences at work there are
consequences in relationships of course
here's the thing i struggle with
i hear this a lot from parents
how am i going to teach my kid that
there are consequences to their actions
if i don't actually parent them with
consequences to their actions
i don't really have a response to that
as much as i have a different question
do we want to teach our kids there are
consequences to your actions or do we
want to teach them
there are skills you can learn so you
have control over your actions
if you think about an action it's a moment
moment
a consequence happens after
a skill
to manage whatever a motivation would be
for an action happens before i'm just
one for efficiency i always think
wouldn't i rather focus on the moments
before my child's actions so i can have
impact on what they do rather than kind
of assume that yeah i guess they're
going to behave how they do and then
they have to learn there's consequences
here's the other thing about focusing on consequences
consequences
focusing on the idea that teaching kids
there's consequences to your actions
is going to change their actions assumes this
this
right before my child hits their brother
they're gonna pause and think oh
if i hit my brother i will lose tv tonight
tonight
oh i really do want tv so
so
i am going to not hit my brother i just
don't think that's how the body works
because i can speak to this myself
i know in the moments where i'm not
proud of my action i am not in a place
before where i have some access to
mindfulness and awareness and forward
thinking and cause and effect no i am in
kind of reactive mode why do i yell at
someone i don't want to yell at not
because i'm thinking oh i guess there's
no consequence to yelling no way i'm not
thinking of a consequence i'm reactive i
have a feeling i have an urge and i
don't have the regulation skill to
manage that feeling or an urge so the
urge collapses into an action
i want to teach the next generation of kids
kids
every skill they need to manage their
big feelings and big urges so they're in
a place where they regulate those
feeling and urges so they don't convert
into an action so they don't get the
consequence in the first place you know
what's better than my kid
knowing there's consequences if they don't
don't
speak respectfully to their boss
is recognizing that they're angry at
their boss recognizing that they feel overworked
overworked
validating those feelings to themselves
then coming up with a plan you know what
i'm gonna do i'm gonna set a meeting
with my boss i should talk to my boss
about this proactively and my boss needs
to know how much i've been working my
boss needs to know what i need i'm going
to do that guess what there's not going
to be a consequence to my child yelling
at their boss because the yelling's not
going to happen because they learn the
skill they need to have in the first
place to avoid that action
i also think of course kids are going to
know there's consequences to their
action it's not like i'm saying they're
not it's just that knowing there's a
consequence to your action doesn't
change the likelihood of that action happening
happening
what changes it skills
skills
real skills
the more we teach a child the skills
they need for life the more control they
will have over their behavior
in life
one other kind of
i guess it's like a metaphor that comes
to mind before we jump into some other
voicemails together kate and learn some
other strategies of what we can do
instead of consequences to actually
teach the skills a kid needs
i want to think about teaching your
child to swim you're teaching your child
to swim and you think they're maybe in a
better place and you're right next to
them and you let them go for a little
bit in the pool and they clearly can't
swim you grab them everyone's safe
it's so interesting i don't know the
parent from the other side of the pool
who's saying oh you're gonna you're
gonna punish them i mean they need to
know there's consequences to not
swimming if you don't give them a
consequence they're gonna think that you
think it's okay that they're not
swimming so you really don't want to
reinforce that you better send them up
to their room you better take away their
ipad you better yell at them so they
know that not swimming isn't okay how
are they gonna ever learn that you could
drown if you don't swim if you don't
kind of show them that there's
consequences to they're not swimming i
really mean this if any of us had a
friend who was saying that to us on the
side of the pool i think we'd
i don't even know it'd be like i don't
even know what you're saying this makes
no sense like i guess it makes sense
purely with logic but when you only use
logic you actually fail to speak the
language that the body actually
understands it becomes nonsensical i'm
not punishing my child for not swimming
what it tells me is my child needs more
practice and more skills to learn how to swim
swim
i really think we need to look at
emotion regulation this way this is kind
of revolutionary even the idea that our
kids struggles come from emotion
regulation is a kind of revolutionary
idea and if we take that and go with it
then we see punishment and consequences
they're just not part of the equation
they're not part of the equation of
learning how to swim
we would just say i'm asking the wrong
question the question isn't what
consequence does my child need to know
that they have to learn how to swim the
question is
what can i do to help my child learn the skills
skills
to swim safely
safely
and if i do that now early in life
my child will be able to swim for years
to come
i promise i will translate all of these
bigger ideas
into more concrete usable strategies kate
kate
so keep listening [Music]
[Music]
and now our next caller lauren
lauren
hi dr becky my name is lauren and i
loved your recent episode where you
engaged with skepticism but i didn't
hear you address something that's
confusing to me
i like your approach to validating
feelings and figuring out the why
underneath and i know you advocate for
no punishments but
for example your middle kid is doing
something disrespectful and dangerous
and they obviously know better
are you advocating for simply validating
their feelings and that's it
what do you do in the actual moment that
it's happening with a kid who's
older than five six especially when they're
they're
lashing out physically
because i know you recommend saying to
for example a three-year-old i won't let
you hit your sister and then you can
catch his wrist
but as the kid gets older you can't as
easily physically stop him from doing
something i've tried and i feel like my
body has stress trauma from trying to
break fights up between my kids so
so
what if any consequences do you teach
the older kids aside from just the validating
validating
thank you so much
thank you for raising a question
i think is on so many parents minds
so now i have a seven-year-old or a
five-year-old or a ten-year-old and
they're hitting their younger brother or
they're about to throw a block they're
about to do something like you said is
really dangerous
what tools do i have in my parenting
toolbox and how can i help my child with
the thing they really need help with
well first of all let me say this i love
validating feelings it's true it's
really important and
no that is not the only thing you need
to do
when a child is out of control
picture your child now doing that
dangerous thing let's say
just because i'm gonna share an example
we can all probably imagine your child is
is
throwing blocks throwing wooden blocks
something very very dangerous
saying to that child i know
you really want whatever the thing is
that they want you're allowed to feel
really mad no i would never say that is
an appropriate intervention
intervention
what do we need to do
well the first thing we need to do
lauren isn't think about the consequence
the first thing we need to do is provide
a boundary for a child that they clearly
can't provide for themselves we have to
stop the damage right if you picture a
child running into the street where
there's traffic
and then you think of a parent watching
that child and saying what consequence
should i give my child about running
into the street i think you'd think yeah
yeah just i wouldn't think about concert
go get your child just go run and get
your child
it's the same thing
we don't need to think about
consequences as much as we need to think
about stopping our kid and containing them
them
and then teaching them whatever they
need to have fewer of those moments in
the first place now i hear what you're
saying what about when my kid gets
bigger i can stop my three-year-old and
say i won't let you hit and hold their
wrist but my five-year-old my
seven-year-old they're getting bigger i
would say still
still
if you have a child who's out of control
we have to embody our authority and
believe that we can stop them it is
terrifying for a child who's feeling out
of control to see that they are over
overpowering a parent there is no way a
child can ever come down in that
situation because they're really looking
around thinking
holy moly who put me in charge i am
completely disregulated that nobody is
here to help me be safe they're
terrified they are truly terrified
now i'm a pragmatist too you might be
thinking okay dr becky i'll try to do
more of that but my child's really
really big
that to me speaks to the increased need
to teach skills to our kids in the
moments they are actually receptive to
them which is the moments outside of
these out of control situations
we don't teach kids skills through consequences
consequences
we don't teach kids skills through
punishments not only do they not feel
good to anyone not only do they cast
kids further into a bad kid role which
only makes them further identify that
way and act out in that way so just
completely backfires it also just simply
doesn't teach them anything i'm someone
who's really focused on effectiveness
part of my brain says i just don't like
punishments and consequences because
like what do parents think kids are
doing in their room alone what do
parents think kids are doing when their
ipads taken away in response to an out
of control moment do you really think
your nine-year-old is sitting there
wondering what they can do instead no
they are stewing in thoughts of revenge
and in feeling misunderstood none of
that is effective
now here's a little caveat
people say to me do you believe in
related consequences my problem with the
word consequences is i just don't like
anyone i use that word with if i'm
thinking about giving someone a
consequence i just don't like that
person and i always try as much as
possible to be in a mindset where i like
my kid i think that leads to effective interventions
interventions
so i don't think about giving them
related consequences i think about my
number one job as keeping them safe and
sometimes safety means making decisions
that people aren't happy about for
example no yeah you can't go in that
playroom right now there are a lot of
wooden blocks and it seems really hard
to be around them and not throw them so
i'm not going to let you in there
without me being right by your side if
someone says oh so that's a consequence
i would say i don't think of it that way
i just think of it as holding a boundary
and keeping my child safe
not just the child who the blocks are
thrown at i'm thinking about keeping my
child safe the one who's doing the
throwing because i don't want that child
to feel so out of control i'm keeping
that child safe by holding a boundary
now what would i do outside the moment
well i wish there was one simple thing
to tell you this truly
is the foundation of every single thing
i teach my managing meltdowns and
building a motion regulation course is
the answer to the question well if i'm
not doing consequences and punishment
what am i doing or i also think it's the
question of how do i become an effective
parent who is actually teaching my child
the skills they need to make the changes
we all want my child to make my answer
to that question i really mean this take
the managing meltdowns and building a
motion regulation course it is
completely foundational and game changing
changing so
so
i guess it's kind of a summary
i don't think consequences and punishment
punishment
teach a child what they need to learn to
make the changes the whole family system
needs i think we have been taught that
we need to be afraid in some way like if
i don't give my kid a punishment they're
gonna think that their behavior is okay
right i know for me lauren you mentioned
that term knowing better
i know better than
let's say to yell at my husband i know
better i know better than to take
chocolate from my pantry right before i
have dinner but i still struggle with
both of those things
and knowing better or thinking about a
consequence it's never the thing
that would make me change
to really change those things i have to
think about the emotion regulation
skills i need i need to think about how
i'm feeling and how to
manage those feelings so they don't
explode i don't need my husband to
punish me after i've yelled i definitely
don't need him to punish me after i've
eaten chocolate i might need a
conversation a calm moment that's some
version of hey
something's happening and if it's the
yelling situation he might say
like that doesn't feel good to me at all
and i really want that to change and so
maybe we can think together about what
you might need so you don't get to that
point because i know that doesn't feel
good to you either
when my husband doesn't punish me no
part of me thinks i guess he thinks it's
okay that i yell
i actually think he's seeing the good
inside me i think your child in that
same intervention would think
my mom sees the good inside me my mom
can help me learn the things i need
so that these moments don't happen
as often
and i think that's what all of us
really need that's what success really
[Music]
let's hear from our final caller max
max
hey dr becky um my name is max and we're having
having
a bit of an issue
with our son who
after his allotted amount of screen time
he gets really upset
and he's been throwing the remote which is
is
not great for anybody just not behavior
that we want to encourage so
i guess my question is kind of how do we
deal with this kind of without punishing
him and there are you know don't want to
kind of provide consequences for
anything that he's doing just want to
figure out how to kind of tackle this behavior
behavior
the best way possible
because it gets really upset and i don't
really know what to do thank you so much
i appreciate it
hi max thank you so much for calling in
and thank you for
describing a situation that leads to
difficult moments in most of our homes
screen time
so here's what i see as the main
kind of struggle to reframe
in what you described
i hear what you're saying
my son throws the remote he has to know
it's not okay to throw the remote
i hear you
but i want you to think about the
situation a little differently
let's say your child instead was in the kitchen
kitchen
and they often
lunged for your really sharp butcher
knife and you're thinking he has to know
it's not okay
to lunge for the butcher knife and like
run around with it like i agree with you
i definitely want my kid to know that's
not okay but more than knowing it's not okay
okay
i would probably think
i need to put the butcher knife out of
my child's reach
because that's the start
of my child wanting something
and actually learning not to have it
i can't ask my young child to have that
urge and out of nowhere just learn oh
i'm not gonna take it
i have to be that boundary i have to
make it unavailable my child is not
developmentally capable of making such a
sophisticated decision as i want it but
it's not so safe and i could get really
hurt and thinking about all that in the
future makes me stop my body no again so
many adults struggle with these things
we really i think have to
re-establish appropriate developmental
expectations i know max what you would
do in the kitchen you'd think oh it's
kind of annoying that i can't have this
knife out given i like to just grab it
on the counter and chop as soon as i
want to
but such is the reality when i have a
young child and i'm going to put it
somewhere my son cannot reach it
how does this relate to the remote control
control well
well
i'm gonna say this kind of in a
straightforward way because i'm a
straight shooter and only know how to
communicate in that way
i don't think the problem really is that
your child is throwing the remote i
think the problem
is that he's able to access the remote
given the family knows he often throws
the remote
it feels so
bad for a child
to see themselves in an out of control
situation over and over and over again
they do i think internally really look
around and wonder why are my adults
letting me do this everyone knows i
throw the remote i throw it then i get
yelled at then i run around with it then
they chase me then i break a lamp i kind
of do this every day why is everyone
letting this play out
it doesn't feel good to a child to be
out of control
boundaries or containment are a core
part of how any of us feel safe
safe
right and he's asking for safety not
not
a consequence now
now
i'm a realist i know how this goes so
let's play this out he's about to watch
tv and he's holding the remote and you
say hey sweetie i'm going to have to
take that remote from you no holding the
remote anymore he's like no i like
holding the remote i won't throw it i
won't throw it i just like to hold it i
just like to hold it i won't throw it
this is a time max where you need to
embody your authority as a parent so
often we think about giving our kids a
consequence instead of embodying our
authority yes i mean that we often avoid
doing our job
and ask our kids to do it for us and
then get angry at them and think about
giving them a consequence or a
punishment when the whole thing could
have been avoided if we had embodied our
authority and set a boundary up front
let's play this out i say okay fine but
promise me you won't throw i've avoided
that authority my child inevitably
throws i yell i tell them i can't trust
them i give them a punishment nobody
wins versus this hey i hear you i know
you really don't want to throw i also
know it's really hard for some reason to
hold it and not throw it so here's what
i'm gonna do
i'm gonna close my eyes and count to
five with my hand right in front of you
if the remote isn't in my hand by the
time i open my eyes i will take it from
your hands i know that's not gonna feel
good honey i don't wanna do that either
it is what i'm going to do because my
number one job is to keep you safe and
right now
keeping you safe means holding on to the remote
remote
now let's say my child doesn't give it
to me i would take it i would not
because i'm trying to
gain power over my child not because i'm
trying to show my child who's boss
because that's one of the ways i'm
keeping my kid
safe i'm not gonna let them be the bad
kid who throws i'm not gonna let them
get to a situation where they have to
have a punishment or a consequence i'm
not gonna let myself get to the
situation where i feel so frustrated i'm
front ending it i am knowing the story
not that my kid's a bad kid that my kid
is a good kid who can have a hard time
making good decisions and i am going to get
get
ahead of that
i would really urge you max and i'd urge
all of us right now to think of a
situation with your kid where you're
constantly frustrated with them maybe
it's your equivalent of they always
throw the remote oh they never put the
caps back on the markers even though i
tell them to they never clean up their
room whatever the situation is and i
want you to think is there a way that i
need to embody my authority my sturdy
and warm authority let me add earlier
earlier
is it saying yeah we're not going to
take out any more markers i know you
don't want to do one marker at a time i
wouldn't either it's no fun i've noticed
it's really hard for you to remember to
put the caps back on
so until that becomes easier we're gonna
do one at a time so that way we only
have one cap to put on at a time that's
embodying my authority and avoiding
consequences and avoiding punishments
and avoiding threats and avoiding
yelling and avoiding feeling like i'm
not showing up as the parent i want to be
be
i also think max this approach really
gets at your fear of i don't want him to
think this behavior is acceptable
when we embody our authority earlier
instead of our child engaging in an out
of control behavior and thinking oh no
they did that thing i need to show them
this isn't okay
we get ahead of it
and we never let the behavior happen in
the first place
thank you kate
lauren and max for calling in and
starting this really important conversation
conversation
let's tie it all together with three
main takeaways one
one
think about a child's development
similar to how you think about a child's
swim development
we don't punish our kids for not
swimming we don't give them consequences
to show them that there are consequences
in life if you don't know how to swim
we teach them how to swim
two there are skills a child needs to
manage feelings to manage hard thoughts
to manage big urges
so that those feelings and thoughts and
urges don't convert into the behaviors
that put themselves or others in danger
think about something your child
struggles with and think about what skill
skill
they'd need so that that behavior didn't
happen in the first place
this is effective parenting three
three
so often we give our kids punishments or consequences
