0:02 I think I talk about my dad the way that
0:05 he fathered me because he was I felt his
0:09 love and how much more the heavenly
0:13 father loves me and it's out of that
0:15 love that I then we love because he
0:22 us life is like a roller coaster but
0:24 it's better when we go through it
0:26 together welcome to the Candace Cameron
0:28 buray podcast we're here to share
0:30 conversations about life challenges
0:33 celebrations and everything in between
0:36 this season we're talking about becoming
0:38 better parents with Dr Josh and Christy
0:41 stra and we're also going to have some
0:44 special guests in later episodes my
0:48 husband Val is going to join the hot sea
0:49 and some of my kids will be joining us
0:51 too which is going to be a lot of fun
0:54 but today Josh and christe have some
0:55 stories to share about the emotional
1:00 environment of our homes come join us [Music]
1:07 hi guys welcome back hey thanks for
1:09 having us another week another
1:13 discussion about parenting it and today
1:16 we are talking about cultivating the
1:19 emotional environment in our
1:23 homeo that's a good topic I know and one
1:25 I don't think we think much about at
1:28 least I never did yeah no I I mean as a
1:30 parent back in the day in the middle of
1:32 it I don't think I ever how am I going
1:35 to cultivate the emotional environment
1:37 in my home right so I'm glad to have
1:39 this conversation we feel when things
1:41 are off kids are
1:44 complaining we're tense it's the we feel
1:46 it but I don't know that we always
1:49 recognize it yeah it's almost like that
1:50 you know when you walk into someone's
1:52 house and there's that smell that's just
1:54 it just is your house smell and our
1:55 house smell and you go on a trip you
1:58 come home and you smell it it's like
2:00 that like it's like it's Unique to the
2:03 family but we're so not aware of it and
2:04 I think that's why it's super helpful it
2:06 is even like what is that what is the
2:08 emotional environment of our home what
2:10 does it feel like when you step into our
2:12 house cuz most of us have never thought
2:14 about it never thought about it I
2:16 haven't either which is this means it's
2:19 going to be a fascinating discussion
2:22 Josh I would like to hear about how you
2:25 grew up I think um it
2:27 really determined what you wanted to do
2:30 as a profession in your life it it
2:31 obviously molded and shaped you into the
2:34 man you are today but um can you share
2:37 with us growing up yeah it's just wild
2:40 um so I had an amazing childhood I look
2:42 back on my childhood so often and I
2:43 think about the times that I would ride
2:45 my bike to the creek and I would play
2:47 with the Crawfish and we'd run through
2:50 the you know the the the tubes
2:52 underneath the the road where the creek
2:54 would flow and you know you just play
2:56 and playing baseball and I wrestled and
2:59 I just um you know I can count on one
3:01 hand the number of wrestling matches my
3:03 dad missed and those because he couldn't
3:05 get off work in time to be there you
3:06 know there was an away match or
3:08 something like that like my dad was
3:12 always in the stands um I can remember
3:14 though what really so I had amazing
3:17 parents but what really took the shift
3:19 for me was when I was 10 years old I was
3:21 in bed it was I me I remember it was
3:23 like it was yesterday it was July it was
3:26 1990 I was 10 years old and gives a
3:27 little my age away a little bit if you
3:30 do the math but um and I
3:33 remember I was I was ready to wake up on
3:35 a hot summer day and go play at the
3:36 creek be with my friends play in our
3:39 swimming pool and I remember my my mom
3:41 came into our bedroom and I felt my
3:44 mattress kind of sink down a little bit
3:47 and my mom woke me up and she said hey
3:49 Josh she said I'm moving out today do
3:51 you want to stay here with your dad or
3:55 do you want to go with me and up to that
3:57 point as a 10-year-old boy I'd never
3:59 seen my parents argue at least if I did
4:01 I didn't really remember wasn't like I
4:04 knew that there was I mean it was like I
4:05 felt like I had a perfect childhood up
4:07 until that point wow and so my Mom
4:11 leaving my dad was a it was a shock to
4:15 the system for me and as a firstborn it
4:19 is fascinating how we tend to you know I
4:22 do what I do today cuz I talk about how
4:24 amazing my parents were but yet this
4:26 divorce kind of was there and so as a
4:27 firstborn I wanted everybody to feel
4:29 good I wanted to make sure that we were
4:31 all so I was like well I don't really
4:32 want to choose I chose to get my things
4:34 at my dad's but then we were like I was
4:36 like well I'm just going to go back and
4:37 forth every other week and I just want
4:39 to see you and and I did everything that
4:44 I could to to navigate that Journey um
4:45 and then I had to work through my own
4:49 stuff uh as I got up into my adult years
4:51 where people pleasing trying to be all
4:53 things to all people trying to make sure
4:54 I was massaging relationships and make
4:56 sure everybody was okay and I didn't
4:58 realize how that went back into my
5:01 childhood um even back to my parents
5:04 divorce and so you know uh my dad has
5:07 since passed he passed in 2016 and uh I
5:11 can just remember so many memories of of
5:14 my dad and how the the childhood that I
5:17 had and how I try to carry those things
5:19 into my relationship with my kids today
5:22 but I always talk about and and we talk
5:23 about the emotional environment of our
5:27 home I always think about you know the
5:30 Bible says to honor our parents uh with
5:32 that comes long life and and I think a
5:34 good life a joyful life when we honor
5:36 our parents but at the same time too we
5:40 can't live in denial so so I I I don't
5:41 know that honor lives in denial and so
5:43 it's like well my parents just did
5:44 everything they could for me they did
5:45 their best you know I think a lot of
5:48 times what we do is we dismiss okay if I
5:50 want to honor my parents the way that I
5:53 do that is I want to take the good that
5:55 they gave me but I also don't want to
5:58 deny the you know the painful moments
6:00 but what I want to do is I want to take
6:01 that and I want to level it up from the
6:03 Next Generation I want to level it up
6:06 for their grandkids because if I do that
6:08 to me that's honoring my family really
6:10 really well and since my dad has passed
6:13 that's that's kind of how I viewed uh
6:14 honoring him is to take what he's given
6:17 me and and to see the good and and all
6:21 of it and level up uh for his grandkids
6:22 and and I think that's the beauty of it
6:24 and so for
6:26 me I look at the moments of Our Lives I
6:28 look at the moments with my children and
6:30 I just kind of see
6:33 through that lens of how can I take the
6:36 good into my relationship with my kids
6:37 and I and I was just curious for you
6:39 even Candace you know how you have done
6:41 that in your own life like when you look
6:44 back you know even as you were maybe
6:46 some tense moments that you might have
6:48 had in you know in your home and what
6:51 those have looked like or even peaceful
6:54 moments and and when you really felt
7:00 like oh things are it we're whole we're
7:03 we're good it feels it just feels yeah
7:06 you feel it you know when you just said
7:08 that I the first visual that came to mind
7:09 mind
7:13 was our home in Florida which the kids
7:16 were raised really their first 10 years
7:21 there mhm Max was born there
7:25 and it's the kids swimming in the pool
7:30 Val cooking I'm kind of cut and being
7:32 the Sue chef but watching the kids in
7:35 the pool uh maybe friends over dog
7:39 running around like that to me is when
7:41 my family is most whole and complete
7:43 that we're all together I can hear
7:47 laughs and fun I I there's there's always
7:48 always
7:52 food and I think that's most people in
7:54 life and beasting I think is important
7:57 yeah yeah food just plays such a big
7:59 part in gathering together and the
8:02 conversations that ensue over the meal
8:04 and I just love that so that's when I
8:07 feel most like my family is whole and
8:11 complete yeah and then I can feel I
8:14 can understand the chaos in your house
8:16 too which kind of feels like the chaos
8:20 can outweigh more than I I shouldn't say
8:21 that because we've we've had amazing
8:23 amazing times I
8:28 guess the the chaos can just feel bigger
8:30 yeah that's what it is it feels bigger
8:32 than all of the Great Moments but they
8:33 definitely don't outweigh the good
8:35 moment and I wonder to what degree too
8:36 because it's fascinating to me I look
8:39 back on my childhood my parents divorce
8:41 but yet even as I'm talking about this I
8:44 see the there's you hear me talking
8:45 about the good you hear me talking about
8:48 how my parents showed up for me and I
8:50 mean you know we talk about viscerally
8:52 the smells we talk about the you know I
8:55 think about um this is going to sound so
8:57 funky but it's just the reality I think
8:59 about college football season cuz my dad
9:01 dad you know loved college football we
9:03 would do that together we'd be in the
9:05 backyard during the fall the leaves are
9:07 changing you smell fall like fall is my
9:08 favorite season but I think it was
9:10 because I always remember my dad and I
9:12 in the backyard playing football
9:14 together and and doing things together
9:16 and and and I take those memories but I
9:17 can't imagine what my parents were going
9:19 through with their divorce I can't
9:21 imagine how they were feeling you know
9:23 and so you're talking about these tense
9:25 moments as parents where it's like oh it
9:27 feels so overwhelming in the moment but
9:29 yeah here's a son I sit and I go oh I am
9:31 when I look back on my childhood I tend
9:33 to think of it as a really great
9:37 childhood yeah in spite of how I had to
9:40 heal through the Brokenness that but but
9:41 I can't imagine I've talked to my mom
9:44 about this years later the shame my mom
9:46 felt I'm sure having gone through a
9:48 divorce and and and her inability to
9:49 feel like she could step back into the
9:51 church or even lead in the church or
9:53 what other people were thinking of her
9:55 the way they were looking at her as a
9:57 result of that and she didn't share that
9:59 with me until just the last maybe 10
10:02 years years and I was like oh wow Mom I
10:05 never knew and so those tense moments I
10:06 think you know as we talk I think it's
10:09 very easy for us as parents to put so
10:11 much weight on ourselves thinking about
10:13 the environment of our home but what our
10:15 kids are truly experiencing I think is a
10:17 real important question to ask even them
10:19 to check in with them from time to time
10:22 to go what is it that you that what
10:24 feels peaceful right now in our home to
10:26 you you know I love entering my kids
10:28 world and asking them those questions
10:30 yeah I love ask asking those questions
10:32 to my kids
10:34 now because they're but they're because
10:36 they're older and because I can but I
10:40 wish I had even thought to ask them that
10:42 while we were raising them while they
10:44 were all living at home at the various
10:47 ages of their lives yeah I we I don't
10:49 know when was this Josh maybe like the
10:51 last year or so we started implementing
10:54 like a Sunday family meeting mhm sort of
10:57 for this reason to because it felt like
10:59 as they've gotten older and like the
11:01 pace of life has picked up and people
11:04 are going different directions and um it
11:07 was this like weekly check-in of and the
11:09 question we we just ask is what do you
11:10 need from us this
11:14 week and that seems really simple but I
11:16 think often that's that's the thing we
11:18 all need like what do you need and I
11:21 think for one it taught our kids that
11:23 it's okay to have needs it's okay to say
11:25 them and that's all you have to do you
11:27 don't have to act out you don't have to
11:29 you know add to the chaos by
11:31 like we genuinely want what do you need
11:33 this week do you need time with Mom do
11:35 you need to go out with Dad do you need
11:37 help with your school workor do you you
11:40 know friend time what do you need um but
11:42 I think it's given us a really interest
11:44 it's like a lay of the land of like how
11:47 everyone's doing like are you know this
11:49 sun is this way this sun is this way
11:50 this one is needing this but you start
11:53 to notice like the emotions that they're
11:56 under the surface that so often we just
11:58 gloss over or we you know discipline
12:02 them away or totally we don't even I
12:04 don't think I ever thought about asking
12:07 my kids that and I feel like as the
12:11 parent it was my job to be in charge and
12:15 dictate to a degree like the schedules
12:16 what we were going to do how it was
12:20 going to go and I mean I don't think I
12:22 was emotionally unavailable with my kids
12:25 or my husband I know that we were but
12:27 those aren't questions I readily thought
12:32 to ask them I would be curious to if
12:33 because I feel like we we surveyed over
12:35 700 parents in our community and we
12:36 asked them what's your greatest
12:38 parenting struggle and the number one
12:39 parenting struggle we hear over and over
12:41 and over again is we're too busy and
12:43 there's not enough time and I'm curious
12:45 if that has gotten even worse since your
12:47 kids were that age because of the
12:50 increased activities and increased
12:52 social media and all of the things that
12:55 we just feel so and if we don't pay
12:56 attention this is where the Sunday
12:59 family meeting is such a practical tool
13:01 because if we don't pay
13:05 attention to the environment of the home
13:07 the world will Define that environment
13:10 for us yes all of the activities all of
13:12 the yeses all of the things will start
13:15 to compile up so quickly and we don't
13:17 even have a read on how our kids are
13:19 experiencing it we know we are feeling
13:20 like there's not enough time and there's
13:22 you know there's not enough time and
13:24 we're too busy but imagine what that
13:26 pressure is putting on to our children
13:27 when we're constantly going get your
13:29 shoes on we got to get out the door we
13:30 don't have enough time daddy play with
13:31 me oh but we don't have enough time we
13:33 have to do that and and you're just
13:36 feeling that and that's where the and
13:37 I'll be honest too the Sunday family
13:39 meeting you talk about food the Sunday
13:40 family meeting was also a way for
13:43 Christy to be like Josh I need help meal
13:45 planning so Sunday we were able to sit
13:47 down and do meal planning together look
13:49 at what groceries we needed for the week
13:51 and that type of thing but so so we have
13:53 our own time together to plan some of
13:55 those activities and see what's ahead
13:58 but then we invite our kids in to just
14:00 what it does is that allows us to
14:02 dictate the environment of the home each
14:05 week as opposed to the culture doing
14:07 that where we can just get a read
14:09 everybody can take a step back and we
14:12 all know okay we can take a deep breath
14:14 and and and identify oh this is what I
14:17 actually need yeah and for us to even
14:19 look at each other and say I miss you
14:21 like we need a date night we need time
14:24 together yeah uh because otherwise she's
14:26 very competent I feel like I'm very
14:29 competent and we just take the tasks at
14:31 hand and run with them and it wasn't
14:33 just like date night or realizing like
14:36 what we needed but we started to hear
14:37 from our kids things like you know you
14:39 have them the activities that you think
14:41 are like bringing joy to their life and
14:43 they love and then you'll hear from them
14:45 like I'm not really loving piano anymore
14:47 or I don't love Jiu-Jitsu I'm done with
14:50 gymnastics like I'm just and you're like
14:52 why are we doing this then why are we
14:54 driving why are we dropping you off and
14:56 so it was just the Simplicity of like we
14:59 don't need all these things and just to
15:01 evaluate some things are great things
15:03 and they bring so much life to the kids
15:05 or to the family and then let's
15:06 eliminate the things that just aren't
15:09 bringing life anymore right yeah I it's
15:13 a good lesson to to simplify and to to
15:15 to be yeah and that goes against the
15:18 grain of what culture is because culture
15:20 is just drive drive drive drive drive
15:22 and I think that to create that safety
15:25 that environment in the home is just
15:26 really important and I the thing that I
15:28 want to say about this and you talked
15:30 about this I think in last episode how I
15:33 and it's so I think we all do this where
15:35 the Benchmark for how our kids are doing
15:37 or how we're doing is are they well
15:41 behaved yeah right and I I want to for
15:45 me as a father one thing I'm really been
15:49 have a new filter of is am I doing a
15:53 great job of my children experiencing
15:56 joy and I think that is if I could help
15:59 my children experience joy in life
16:01 that for me that's a benchmark that I
16:03 want to attain as a father is not that
16:05 it's something you can attain it's an
16:07 environment you have to cultivate and
16:09 and what I love by that and and I'm
16:10 going to actually read this quote
16:13 because is um Dr Allen Shaw he wrote a
16:16 book called the body keeps the score and
16:18 in that book he talks about joy and he
16:21 defines joy relationally as quote
16:25 someone who is glad to be with me and
16:29 quote being the sparkle in someone's eye
16:32 and I think man if we could just so so
16:34 we and going back to the last episode
16:36 emotional safety making parenting
16:38 simpler using that as the
16:41 filter but I I talked a lot about our
16:44 research on this but what about what
16:46 what does the Bible say about this and
16:48 you know in Psalm 103 it says the father
16:51 as the father has Compass as a father
16:53 has compassion on his kids so the
16:54 heavenly father so the father has
16:58 compassion on us he doesn't keep his
17:01 anger forever doesn't always chide he
17:03 loves us with a steadfast love that and
17:06 and steadfastness it's a that word in
17:09 the Hebrew it's such a big word that you
17:11 can't even break it down into English in
17:13 a proper way it's kind of like a the
17:16 Greek uses aape love but it's it's not
17:18 even that it's more than that it's like
17:22 this love that is so big in other words
17:25 we are the Sparkle in the father's eye
17:28 and it's out of that and you talked
17:30 about even when you were raising the
17:32 kids and it was everybody in the pool
17:33 and the feast and the community you
17:35 mentioned community and it's even part
17:36 of the whole it's it's the whole theme
17:39 of your podcast is it's a roller coaster
17:41 but it's better when we do it together
17:43 yeah that Community is what brings Joy
17:46 To Our Lives because we realize whoa we
17:49 are in this together I am the sparkle in
17:51 someone else's eye I have someone who
17:53 cares about me I have someone who loves
17:56 me and and and when we filter that you
17:58 know we pray the Lord's prayer may your
18:01 your will be done on Earth as it is in
18:04 heaven well do we think about am I
18:08 parenting on Earth as the father would
18:11 parent me in heaven are we bringing that
18:15 down to earth I am the sparkle in
18:18 someone's eye and and Jesus Delights in
18:27 o I think I talk about my dad the way
18:30 that he fathered me because he was I
18:34 felt his love mhm and how much more the
18:38 heavenly father loves me and it's out of
18:41 that love that I then we love because he
18:45 first loved us and um and I just if we
18:47 can experience that love and I think of
18:49 all these listener questions that we've
18:50 tackled in the first couple episodes and
18:52 I think of the moms who feel alone and
18:55 and maybe even fathers who feel alone
18:58 and I'm going ah if we could just truly find
18:59 find
19:02 and connect in a community of people
19:05 yeah that we're the sparkle in their eye
19:07 and and we've got to step out and not be
19:09 alone in this and feel lonely in this
19:11 because we have a father who loves us
19:13 deeply and so I think there's nothing
19:16 more profound and then than this whole
19:20 idea of emotional safety um through the
19:22 scriptures through through God loving us
19:24 the way that he
19:26 does the Declaration of Independence
19:28 States we all have the right to like
19:30 life liberty and the pursuit of
19:33 happiness now I don't know about you but
19:35 I'm happiest when I'm having a great
19:37 meal and making memories at the table
19:39 with my family good ranchers can help
19:40 you do both of those things by
19:43 delivering highquality American meat
19:45 right to your door their meat is the
19:47 highest quality it's transparently
19:50 sourced and I think your family will
19:52 love it mine does don't miss out on
19:55 their July special go get yourself $100
19:58 off and free wagu burgers for a year
20:00 with my code candy at goodranchers.com
20:03 you'll never go back to the meat Isis
20:06 again once you try good ranchers quality
20:10 100% USA grown no antibiotics or
20:12 hormones added I could keep listing the
20:14 benefits or you could just try it and
20:16 see for yourself the proof is in their
20:19 protein here's my absolute favorite part
20:21 about good ranchers though they're a
20:24 company that is built by people who care
20:26 the founders Ben and corly spell wanted
20:28 food they could trust for their kids and
20:31 couldn't find a convenient transparent
20:33 source of American meat so they embraced
20:36 the American Spirit and came up with a
20:39 solution we all needed go join the meat
20:41 Revolution and claim your independence
20:44 from the meat Isle atg goodranchers.com
20:48 with my code candy $100 off and free
20:51 burgers for a year what don't miss out
20:54 on this offer go try goodranchers today
20:57 at goodranchers.com American Meat delivered
21:04 so what what are the practical how do we
21:06 create that environment that we want
21:10 yeah so and I think that's that's the
21:13 like it's this double-sided perspective
21:17 like Josh is talking about this is a
21:20 Biblical principle that then like we can
21:22 talk about the science too but like that
21:24 just science is proving true right like
21:26 it's a it's a Biblical god-ordained system
21:28 system
21:30 of not just how we're built but how
21:32 we're built to be in relationships and
21:33 then I think like scien has come in and
21:35 like try to explain it and I think that
21:37 sometimes that's helpful for parents to
21:41 just sort of put like grasp onto like so
21:43 what do I do cuz how do I actually
21:46 reflect the Father's love to my kids
21:49 when we're broken people we're just
21:51 getting this concept now like I'm just
21:53 starting to get a taste of it how do I
21:56 do that for them and I'm not I'm not a
21:58 perfect mom by any means so it comes
22:02 through such a frail vessel um the thing
22:04 that I love is Philippians 4 Paul talks
22:06 about I think Paul lays this out I think
22:08 he was a neuros he understood the Brain
22:10 before we even understood the brain yeah
22:11 in Philippians 4 he's writing this
22:13 letter from prison to the church at
22:17 Philippi and he says uh and it's a verse
22:19 that many of us have heard in the church
22:21 but he says the Lord is near first of
22:24 all he says let this is in chapter 4 he
22:26 says let your gentleness be made known
22:28 to everyone and the word gentleness
22:30 there in the Greek means your power
22:34 under control M now imagine I know what
22:36 pushes christe's buttons and but I have
22:38 to have my power my gentleness be made
22:41 known to Christie my power under control
22:43 to not push her buttons but the so let
22:44 your gentleness be made known to
22:47 everybody the Lord is near therefore be
22:50 anxious for what nothing but in
22:53 everything by prayer and supplication
22:56 with Thanksgiving so this is what's
22:57 fascinating Neuroscience research shows
22:59 that gratit ude and anxiety cannot
23:01 coexist in the brain so the more
23:04 grateful we are the more we push out
23:07 worried thoughts so so when we talk
23:08 about and we talk about this in a
23:11 healthy home guide that's available when
23:14 we label emotion what we're doing is is
23:16 is is he's saying do not be anxious
23:20 about everything but go to God In Prayer
23:23 so in other words label verbalize left
23:26 brain activating to your right brain
23:27 label to God he already knows what we're
23:29 feeling this is this is an act of
23:31 confession where we confess to the
23:35 father I feel anxious I feel scared I
23:38 feel alone I feel we're confessing what
23:41 he already knows about us but the act of
23:44 confession has this profound impact in
23:47 our lives that when we confess it with
23:50 Thanksgiving to a God who loves us so
23:52 deeply God thank you for loving me thank
23:53 you that though I walk through the
23:55 valley of shadow of death I shall fear
23:56 no evil for you are with me thank you
23:58 that you are a refuge and a strength my
24:01 everpresent help in a time of trouble
24:02 thank you that you are with me what
24:04 we're doing is we're training our brain
24:08 to learn that oh he is we're reminding
24:11 ourselves he is there he is present and
24:14 so then it says in the peace of God
24:17 which surpasses all understanding will
24:19 keep your hearts and your minds in
24:22 Christ Jesus so there is a calming
24:24 effect in other words it's a piece that
24:26 we can't even understand there's a
24:28 calming effect on the brain and it's not
24:29 until that point that he finally writes
24:32 finally brothers and sisters whatever is
24:35 pure true excellent anything holy
24:38 praiseworthy what think on these things
24:40 and I think what Paul understood is when
24:41 we're anxious and overwhelmed we can't
24:43 think straight which is why we need to
24:45 go to the father and I think from a
24:48 practical standpoint our ability to go
24:50 back and label emotion this is where we
24:52 do it with the father in a prayer of
24:54 examine going back and labeling our
24:56 emotions to the father and saying father
25:00 I feel anxious I feel scared I feel sad
25:02 I feel alone what do I need to know
25:04 about that Lord would you comfort me in
25:06 this would you guide me in this would
25:09 you show me your presence in this and
25:11 and there's just a beautiful component
25:13 so so this Neuroscience research that's
25:17 showing how our brains are wired is so
25:19 connected to who God is and what the
25:21 scriptures say about how we're to
25:23 interact with him and I think so often
25:26 we we feel alone and then we what we
25:30 tend to do is we tend to turn to our the
25:32 things that calm and soothe us so
25:33 whether that's our phones whether that's
25:35 Netflix whether that is we we have our
25:37 vices we have our things that we turn to
25:39 to try to reestablish that don't really
25:41 give us a peace that surpasses all
25:43 understanding and so the more that we
25:48 can enter into that prayer time that
25:50 devotion time and reorienting ourselves
25:52 with the Father's Love is really really
25:57 important so yeah I I and I can't I that happens
25:58 happens
26:00 that only continues to happen when we're
26:02 doing it in community as well and so I
26:05 would just really encourage do not be
26:07 afraid to ask for help we need to be the
26:09 ones who are going hey I need help here
26:12 I feel alone you know it's interesting
26:15 because as I'm I've mentioned many times
26:19 on the podcast like I wasn't raised in a
26:22 Christian home but 12 years old was the
26:24 first time we started going to church
26:27 and then things changed but again still
26:30 wasn't a family that like did DeVos and
26:32 whatever didn't have the church lingo
26:34 and all the didn't pray at meals all
26:36 that I mean my whole childhood none of
26:41 that I didn't have that modeled for me
26:46 as a child what it looks like to parent
26:48 with scripture with Bible reading time
26:50 with prayer time so those were all
26:55 things I had to learn on my own and then
26:58 also learn along with my husband who
27:00 wasn't at the same place spiritually as
27:03 me once I really wanted to know God and
27:05 that was really when the kids were young
27:09 mhm so cultivating that environment was
27:11 like building it from the ground up I
27:14 didn't really know what I was doing and
27:17 then Val wasn't totally on the same page
27:20 as me but wasn't far from the same page
27:23 he was like open to it but just not
27:28 quite there yet so um I
27:31 remember all of that you know when the
27:33 kids would go down for a nap or when
27:36 they were in school that was my time I'm
27:38 like I would open up my Bible and I'm
27:40 like let's start reading this let's
27:42 start learning what the scripture says
27:44 because I didn't really even though I
27:46 was a Christian I didn't read my Bible
27:50 as a teenager but now as an adult as a
27:53 parent I wanted to know what am I
27:57 teaching my children and really I think
27:58 I didn't know the question at the time
28:00 but it was like what environment do I
28:02 want to cultivate in my house and all I
28:04 knew in my heart was I want it to be a
28:08 Godly one I want it to be Godly and I
28:11 want my kids to know God and I want Val
28:15 and I to know God together and so those
28:20 were incredible and Powerful moments day
28:24 to day to day in my life to read that
28:26 scripture and you know I was one of
28:28 those people that just kind of randomly
28:30 open the Bible and go what am I going to
28:32 read today and then I started to learn
28:35 like oh there are Bible reading plans
28:36 I'm going to follow a Bible reading plan
28:39 I'm going to do a Bible study I'm going
28:42 to bring in community I'm going to now
28:44 meet with some girls weekly and that environment
28:46 environment
28:48 learning you know even the music I'm
28:50 going to play in my home or the
28:51 conversations that are going to be in my
28:54 home that Chang things and I'm sure that
28:56 changed me and then the way I would
28:58 parent my children and I think that's
29:02 the thing is so often we as parents the
29:04 moment matters it's like the moment is
29:06 everything and and and because you know
29:08 I'm teaching my three-year-old to sit at
29:10 the table and and because I told him
29:12 once it's like I have this expectation
29:14 that he should listen from that point
29:16 forward every other time right and it's
29:18 like no the whole idea of parenting is
29:22 this is a journey of of learning how
29:24 loved our children are our children
29:26 learning how loved they are and then
29:29 following suit into obedience based upon
29:32 the love that they feel and it's the
29:34 same thing as I think as children who
29:36 are parents we are children but we're
29:38 also parents you know you're saying I
29:40 didn't know there was a Bible reading
29:41 plan I didn't know all this but yet the
29:44 Bible says he is a rewarder of those who
29:47 diligently seek Him and even though we
29:50 don't always know what to do we you felt
29:53 the love of the father and you go I I
29:55 don't know what I'm doing but I know
29:58 that I want this in my home and he's a
30:00 rewarder of that and that over time you
30:03 get to Journey with your kids I to me I
30:05 see this as a journey where our children
30:10 are watching us lead as as as examples
30:11 of what it looks like to pursue the
30:13 Father's Love and that's what you just
30:15 described and and that's the that's the
30:17 culture that's the environment we're
30:18 cultivating it's not that we're doing
30:20 this perfectly it's that we're on a
30:23 journey that plays itself out over time
30:25 Eugene Peterson talks about it in the
30:28 sense of it's a long obedience in the
30:31 same direction and I'm like ah that just
30:34 it I take a a breath a deep breath and
30:37 go I can do that I might not get it
30:40 right in this moment but over time and I
30:44 keep that I get that I can do that I and
30:45 like that just makes me think like for
30:48 you guys I'm so curious how did you when
30:50 everything felt new when there wasn't a
30:53 model when there wasn't like a whole lot
30:55 of history that you're pulling from like
30:58 what were the things that you put in to
31:06 home some of the the immediate ones and
31:10 that were big for me
31:14 was the school that we decided to put
31:15 our kids in that was a big decision cuz
31:18 you have to think about school like when
31:20 they're infants I mean unless you're
31:22 going to public school or you're
31:23 choosing to
31:25 homeschool but those were all things I
31:28 wanted to consider but I'm like but how
31:31 okay I want God in our home and the
31:34 relationship and with my kids and so
31:36 that decision of what are we going to do
31:39 as a schooling option was a massive
31:41 change that I didn't really know and by
31:42 the way my dad was a public school
31:44 teacher for 35 years so I kind of
31:46 thought it was like public school or
31:50 nothing you know uh but that was like I
31:54 just can't say enough how much the C-
31:57 laboring with someone that's or a school
31:59 or whether homeschooling um but the C-
32:02 laboring for us made a massive
32:05 difference in our home to have other
32:06 people alongside when I know they were
32:08 outside of our home teaching the same
32:11 types of principles and values that we
32:13 were at home that was a big one and the
32:14 other big thing that was pretty
32:17 immediate was
32:20 prayer because didn't really do that
32:22 wasn't very comfortable with it I still
32:24 talk about how I'm not that comfortable
32:25 praying I don't feel like this great
32:28 prayer but I'm not afraid to pray and I
32:29 just speak from my heart and I'm
32:33 comfortable with that yeah so starting
32:35 to pray with the kids and just starting
32:38 that meals or starting at bedtime and
32:39 that was also conversation we could have
32:43 with them and then even Val and me both
32:47 learning to be comfortable to speak that
32:51 out loud and then show that show to the
32:52 kids that that was something that we
32:54 want to do that we can talk to God but
32:56 those were all brand new things to learn
32:59 and it was we heared it first especially
33:02 with vow cuz it was just like dude we've
33:04 never prayed out loud together what does
33:06 this look like and I feel a little dorky
33:08 and then sometimes you kind of say the
33:10 same prayer every night because you
33:12 don't know what else to say until you get
33:13 get
33:16 into what either feels like a more
33:18 comfortable rhythm with God or just say
33:20 like oh it really is just having a
33:23 conversation I can speak from my heart
33:26 um yeah yeah this is so it's so helpful
33:28 I just think of like so many people
33:30 listening who weren't like that wasn't
33:32 even really modeled for you like they
33:34 attended church but it wasn't like up an
33:37 a nominal yeah I would sayal yeah um
33:40 there's just so many people that I I did
33:43 grow up in a home where like we attended
33:46 church since I was little like I never
33:49 remember not knowing Jesus but that I'm
33:51 wasn't common and even where I lived
33:53 that was so uncommon and so I didn't
33:55 know how to practice my faith outside
33:58 because nobody understood it it was very
34:02 almost looked down upon or like you're
34:05 just weird you know and that was an
34:07 interesting you know dynamic for me but
34:11 to see other families learning how to do
34:13 this in a way that feels like not just
34:15 consistent with who God made them to be
34:20 but just like this is how he created me
34:24 and our family and this is cuz I I think
34:26 I came from the side of like oh you do
34:29 the daily you know Bible study or or
34:31 whatever like and it felt too formal in
34:32 the sense of like oh that's what you're
34:35 supposed to do and there's no freedom in
34:39 that either like that's not it's but to
34:40 watch it
34:44 organically um unfold yeah like grow
34:46 like that's what it sounds like it just
34:48 it just grew in your
34:51 family yeah this is good well I think
34:53 that we should go to one of our listener
34:57 questions M sounds great Jenny wrote in
34:58 and she said I've been married for 3
35:02 years I have two beautiful children ages
35:05 2 and 1/2 and 9 months my husband has
35:06 suffered a lot of trauma in his
35:08 childhood and I can see it being
35:11 projected onto our children I want
35:12 nothing more than for my children to
35:15 feel seen and safe sharing things with
35:18 us as their parents but I'm not sure how
35:20 to stop the negative spiral whenever my
35:22 husband is emotionally locked down and
35:25 parenting from an unhealthy space how
35:27 can I show everyone in my family love
35:30 and while still standing firm in what's
35:32 right for parenting our children the way
35:34 we're called to
35:36 to
35:39 wow that's a big that's AIG that's a big
35:42 question and
35:45 um I mean this isn't just about the
35:47 Practical and the how-to but we're
35:50 dealing with trauma here at least yeah
35:53 that's what she said from her husband so
35:55 I mean Josh I'm going to throw this to
35:58 you yeah yeah I'm going to so so the
36:00 place that I would start in is I I I
36:03 love the way that she says this is how
36:05 can I show everyone in my family love
36:06 and grace while still standing firm in
36:09 what's right and I think it's important
36:14 that what we don't do is in because
36:16 there's a degree to which she has to
36:18 love her husband you know and love him
36:21 through his own stuff but there is also
36:23 a degree to which he becomes a
36:25 responsible adult and says I've got to
36:27 pay attention to this and I've got to
36:28 take respons responsibility for the way
36:30 that I'm reacting and I need to do
36:33 something about that where she's not you
36:36 know cowering to it and becoming a
36:38 doormat you know and and he's just
36:40 walking all over her I think it's
36:42 important for her to be able to stand
36:44 her ground and speak and say wait a
36:46 minute this is not how we need to be
36:48 treating our children but you it's a
36:50 delicate balance cuz you got to be able
36:53 to do it without feeling like you're
36:55 putting more shame and blame on your
36:57 spouse and this goes both ways whether
36:59 it's a husband or a wife what we're
37:01 doing is we want to lead in Grace and
37:04 follow in truth and so how do we lead in
37:06 Grace in a way where and and this is
37:08 this is what I would say you know and
37:11 again it's so nuanced and and there's
37:13 there's no black or white answer here
37:16 because I don't even know it doesn't say
37:17 the circumstances around it doesn't even
37:19 say to what degree her husband is is
37:22 okay or to get you know counseling or or
37:24 that type of thing to start working
37:25 through his own pain but I would say it
37:28 starts there and I think for all of us
37:30 the thing that I want to say is for all
37:31 of us christe chrisy and I have a
37:33 therapist we have coaches in our lives
37:34 we have pastor we have people that we
37:37 have surrounded ourselves with but we're
37:40 constantly growing there's a um there's
37:42 there's research that shows that that
37:44 our children won't outgrow our emotional
37:46 maturity while they're under our roof
37:50 and so if I want to raise my if my
37:52 ceiling is my child's floor then I want
37:54 to raise my ceiling at all times and so
37:56 the people that I'm surrounding myself
37:58 with the people that I'm entering into I
37:59 want to be able to surround and I think
38:02 that's a great place to start as parents
38:04 is to be able as as spouses is to be
38:06 able to have a conversation and say hey
38:07 where do let's start with the end in
38:09 mind where do we want our children to be
38:11 and then let's work backwards from there
38:13 because it's very easy if you're looking
38:14 at a particular moment where maybe your
38:17 spouse loses it on your children for you
38:19 to you know come into your spouse and go
38:21 why did you lose it we're not going to
38:22 lose it when we're both when the
38:24 amigdala is going off and we're both
38:28 heightened no constructive
38:30 comes out of that the way to do this is
38:32 when we're all down when our defenses
38:34 are down we're functioning into a place
38:37 of of of healthy you know we're
38:39 functioning we're healthy we're calm
38:40 we're cool we're collected and we look
38:43 back on a moment we go okay let's let's
38:44 let's start with the end in mind how do
38:47 we come together in this and the way
38:50 that I'll always start with chrisy um
38:52 giving away some of my uh Secrets here
38:56 is I if if I see something in Christie
38:59 that you know that I'm like I don't know
39:00 if we should be interacting with the
39:03 kids that way or what I'll do is I'll
39:05 start making sure that I model it I'll
39:08 do it first and then I'll start to bring
39:10 it up so that I make sure that I'm not
39:12 asking her to do something that I'm not
39:15 willing to do or haven't been doing and
39:17 so and and I think you've been similar
39:19 with me where we lead with Grace and
39:21 then we cast vision for what the future
39:23 holds and then we can both say Hey you
39:26 know if in this case uh for Jenny if you
39:29 want your husband to go to therapy start
39:31 with being willing to go I really want
39:33 our kids to grow well and what I want to
39:35 do is I want to take ownership and I
39:36 really I'm going to go to therapy
39:37 because I really want to make sure I'm
39:40 the best mom I can be and take the lead
39:42 there and start there and and begin to
39:44 see if your husband's following suit
39:46 with that and if he's not then bring it
39:48 up and say hey would you be willing to
39:50 do this too yeah and I want to add
39:52 because I think that's exactly so much
39:57 of I think Mom struggle with is this
39:59 belief that we can control the situation
40:02 you cannot she can't control her husband
40:05 and that is truly his choice to make but
40:08 I also just feel like to say a child
40:12 needs one safe adult like one adult to
40:14 will hear them and that's what she said
40:16 like I want my kids to feel seen and
40:19 safe sharing things with them and so she
40:21 can be that for them and like they're he
40:22 he might not be in a really healthy
40:23 place they also have a 2 and
40:25 1/2-year-old and a 9-month-old like this
40:27 was when I hit the Bottom Rung of life
40:31 too like I I everything is going to be
40:34 like exploding at this point but your
40:36 kids just need one and you can get it
40:39 wrong a whole lot in repair and I think
40:41 just like that speaks to all the single
40:42 parents who are you know maybe the
40:45 divorce situation and it's not a healthy
40:48 Dynamic I'm not saying that's okay as
40:50 like let's just I'm so sorry for that
40:53 pain that you carry and all the pressure
40:55 that probably puts on you but you can be
40:58 the one that's safe for your kids and
41:02 they they just need one stable safe
41:05 person and I think we put so much
41:08 pressure on ourselves um that this is
41:11 one thing that to just slather in Grace
41:14 like we have one father who's perfect
41:16 and and look what he's done with all of
41:18 us so and I want to say this too
41:20 research shows that marital satisfaction
41:23 tends to dip to the lowest level when
41:24 your kids are younger than five when
41:26 you're in the infant taught right after
41:28 having kids
41:30 so sense I just want to normalize that
41:31 if you're having marital trouble and the
41:34 kids are so little that is actually
41:35 pretty normal that's when we started
41:37 looking at at it and going yeah that's
41:39 when John Townson said Josh you need to
41:40 get out here and get some work done I
41:43 was like okay I'll go do that yeah yeah
41:46 that's great thank you for that
41:50 lovely okay these I love this
41:52 conversation because life really can be
41:54 like a roller coaster so this season
41:57 we've created a free pdf guide called
41:59 the Healthy Home guide and it's from
42:02 Josh and Christy's book famous atome go
42:04 to candice.com to find the link and it's
42:06 also in today's show notes you'll also
42:09 find a link to their book famous at home
42:11 which is all about what our conversation
42:14 this season is based on until next time
42:16 be grateful all day every [Music]
42:18 [Music]
42:21 day if you value local trustworthy and
42:24 highquality food now is the perfect time
42:26 to join the good ranchers family I was
42:28 thill when my first good ranchers box
42:31 showed up and it was all still perfectly
42:34 Frozen and what I really love about good
42:36 ranchers is their commitment to
42:38 transparency they believe you have the
42:41 right to know exactly what's in your
42:44 food I mean hello and they are also
42:46 amazing supporters of this show good
42:48 Rancher sources all of their meat from
42:50 local US Farms so you're getting the
42:54 best of the best no antibiotics no added
42:57 hormones just pure delicious meat you
42:59 can trust and do you ever notice when
43:01 you're in the store when you buy chicken
43:04 or beef it costs more and the portions
43:06 weigh less every time you buy it but
43:10 imagine having top quality 100% American
43:13 beef chicken pork and wild CAU Seafood
43:16 delivered right to your door just head
43:18 over to goodranchers.com And subscribe
43:21 to any box to unlock savings good
43:24 ranchers is where you can get 100% USA
43:27 grown meat you can trust that it's
43:30 tender and full of flavor every single
43:32 time with meat prices continuing to go
43:34 up and the quality at the store going
43:38 down good ranchers can save you hundreds
43:40 your taste buds your wallet and local
43:42 ranchers will thank you good
43:45 ranchers.com American Meat [Music]
43:47 [Music]
43:50 delivered hey there I'm so glad you're
43:52 here if you just learned something new
43:54 would you hit the like button and let me
43:56 know and tell me in the comments what was
43:58 was
44:01 helpful candy Rock entertainment All
44:04 rights reserved [Music]
