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10 Ways to Defeat the Narcissist (Compilation)

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my name is s d and I'm the author of

malignant self-love narcissism

Revision in 1995 when I coined the

phrase narcissistic abuse I also came up

with two coping

strategies if you wanted to get rid of

your narcissist I suggested no

contact this strategy is tackled in

another video on my channel the the

other strategy I developed I dubbed

background

noise if you insist to stay with the

narcissist if you have no choice if you

have common children if there are

Financial complications if for some

reason there is no way for you to exit

the toxic remit and Charmed circle of

the narcissist then I suggested to adopt

a strategy called background noise

as background noise you ask the

narcissist no questions because if you

ask the narcissist a question it means

you doubt him it means you undermine his

authority it means that you may have

thought of something that he had omitted

to think of it means that potentially

you're more clever than him you see

things

differently these are all narcissistic

injury so ask the narcissist no

questions

second principle of background noise

never criticize The Narcissist never

disagree with the

narcissist the narcissist is always

right the narcissist is omnicient he

knows everything there is to know even

if he doesn't know

it the third principle of background

noise is

to confine your

responses to the content of the question

the query or the prompt by The

Narcissist first of all never initiate a

conversation only when

addressed

talk so when you are addressed by The

Narcissist when you ask you a question

or approach as a subject limit your

responses and reactions to the subject

matter raised by The Narcissist do not

expand the conversation do not introduce

new topics or new issues

do not initiate or Embark upon tangents

which The Narcissist didn't think

of always be there as an echo always

react never

proact

so if you look at these three principles

never ask questions never criticize and

disagree and never ever

expand the topic of conversation beyond

the limitations and boundaries set by

The Narcissist in his initial

address you see that background noise is

a very simple uh technique a very simple

strategy simply never

initiate never be

proactive always

react

always be

compliant or even to some extent this OB

Serv it always be an

echo

always record what the narcissist

says and then play it back to him when

he wants to hear it as most narcissists

would say had I wanted your opinion I

would have given it to

you my name is Sak and I'm the author of

malignant self-love narcissism

revisit all told there are three ways to

manipulate the

narcissist you can withhold narcissistic

Supply from him until he comes head in

hand begging for more and then you can

name your price and dictate the

terms a second technique is to

constitute yourself as a reliable source

of high grade supply and thereby Foster

in the narcissist dependence and

adherence to your minous needs and

wishes you would be amazed how attentive

The Narcissist can be to a good source

of narcissistic

Supply and then there's the third

technique to take active part in

buttressing and upholding The Narcissist

grandio fantasies to collude in a shared

psychosis with him and thus render him

amable to your wishes and priorities as

long as they seamlessly conform to his

delusional

narrative right the irony is that

narcissists who consider themselves

worldly Discerning knowledgeable shrewd

cunning iridite and astute well these

exact narcissists are actually more

gullible than the average person this is

because narcissists are fake their self

is false their life is a

confabulation their reality test is long

done narcissists live in a fantasy land

all their own in which they are the

center of the universe they are admired

feared held in awe and respected for

their omnipotence and

omns in short narcissists are prone to

magical thinking they hold themselves

immune to the consequences of their

actions or in action therefore they

consider themselves to be Beyond

punishment and the laws of man

narcissists are easily persuaded to

assume unreasonable risks and to expect

miracles to happen they often find

themselves on the receiving end of

investment scans for example again

because they are risk-prone

Reckless narcissists feel entitled

entitled to everything money power

honors even though these are

commensurate with their accomplishments

toil The World God the nation Society or

their families co-workers

employers even neighbors owe them a

trouble-free

exalted luxurious existence they are

rudely shocked when they are penalized

for their misconduct or when their

fantasies remain just that

fantasies the nist believes that he is

destined to Greatness or at least the

easy life he wakes up every morning

fully ready for a fortuitous Stroke of

Luck that explains the narcissist

Reckless behaviors and and his lazed

lack of

self-discipline it also explained why

the narcissist is so easily

duped by playing on the narcissist

grandiosity and paranoia it is possible

to deceive and manipulate at the

narcissist

effortlessly just offer The Narcissist

narcissistic Supply admiration

affirmation agulation and he is all

yours hard on the narcissist

insecurities and on his persecutory

delusions and is likely to trust only

you and cling only to you for their life

both paranoia and grandiosity impair The

Narcissist reality test and engender

cognitive deficits paranoia and

grandiosity lead to the erection of

complex and wasteful defenses against

usually non-existent threats and

enemies narcissists attract abuse they

are hay exploitative demanding

insensitive and

quarrelsome narcissist tend to draw

orium and provoke anger and even hatred

solely lacking in interpers

skills devoid of empathy and steeped in

irksome grandio fantasies narcissists

invariably fail to mitigate the

irritation and Revolt that they induce

others successful narcissists are

frequently targeted by stalkers and

erotomania usually mentally ill people

who develop a fixation of a sexual or

emotional nature on the narcissist when

inevitably rebuffed by The Narcissist

these people become vindictive and in

rare cases even

violent less prominent narcissist less

successful ones end up sharing life with

codependence and with inverted

narcissist The Narcissist situation is

exacerbated by the fact that often The

Narcissist himself is an abuser like the

boy who cried wolf people do not believe

that the perpetrator of egregious Deeds

can himself fall prey to maltreatment

people tend to to ignore and discard The

Narcissist cries for H they disbelieve

his

protestations they assume that he is

guilty until proven innocent not the

other way

around so how does an narcissis react

when he finds himself on the receiving

end of abuse well like all other

victims he is traumatized he goes

through the phases of denial

helplessness rage depression and finally

acceptance but the narcissist reactions

are Amplified by his shattered sense of

omnipotence abuse breeds humiliation and

humiliation breeds helplessness and to

The Narcissist helplessness is's a novel

experience hither to he considered

himself all powerful Godlike abuse

reminds him that he is also to human and

sometimes less than human

the narcissistic defense mechanisms and

their behavioral manifestations diffuse

rage idealization and evaluation

exploitation these defense mechanisms

are useless when confronted with a

determin vindictive or delusional

stalker that the narcissist is flat is

flattered by the attention that he

receives from the abuser or the stalker

renders him even more vulnerable to the

forers man

ation nor can the narcissist come to

terms with his need for help he cannot

acknowledge that wrongful behavior on

his part may have contributed and

precipitated somehow the

situation The Narcissist self-image is

infallible Mighty all knowing this

self-image as him as him being far

superior to others this exact self-image

won't let him admit to any shortfalls

any mistakes any needs even need for

advice or for

help narcissist consider considers

himself self-contained

self-sufficient as the abuse progresses

The Narcissist feels increasingly

cornered his conflicting emotional needs

to preserve the Integrity of his grandio

false self even as he seeks much needed

support well this these conflicting

needs place an unbearable strain on the

precarious balance of his immature and

disorganized

personality the compensation is the

disintegration of the narcissist defense

mechanisms it leads to acting out temper

tantrums outbursts loss of control and

if the abuse is protracted it leads to

withdrawal and even in extreme cases to

psychotic micro

epodes abusive acts in themselves are

rarely dangerous not so the reactions to

abuse above all the overwhelming sense

of violation and

humiliation so

narcissists are actually classic victims

of abuse in many cases yet it does not

provoke in them self-awareness let alone

remorse or or empathy of which they are

largely

incapable it is wasted on them yes even

abuse is wasted on the

narcissist and now I'm inviting you to a

tour of the narcissist mind as we tour

The Narcissist mind you will understand

why each of these techniques is working

so this is actually the second part of

the lecture is to explain to you why

these techniques are working and to

allow you with this deeper understanding

to use these techniques more uh

effectively the reason the narcissist is

very

effective at manipulating you

controlling you and inducing in you

emotions and moods is because exactly

like you the narcissist is a victim

narcissist narcissism is a posttraumatic

condition The Narcissist has been the

victim usually of his

parents as a victim The Narcissist chose

a specific a highly specific solution

but the fact that the narcissist chose a

specific solution does not mean that the

narcissist is not a victim he is as much

a victim as you are the reason the

narcissist victimizes you is that he

wants

company as long as you are not

victimized you are alien to The

Narcissist narcissist wants to feel at

home among his own kind he wants to be

among victims because he's a victim so

he converts and transforms everyone

everyone around him into a victim simply

to feel at home and of course the the

clinical concept is Comfort Zone The

Narcissist comfort zone is among victims

The Narcissist will victimize you never

mind what you do never mind what you do

not do never mind how often you do or do

not do what you do or do not do never

mind if you are cuz you don't even have

to be for the narcissist to victimize

you and here's the worst part when the

narcissist converts you to an image of

himself he's doing you a favor because

he is superior he is Godlike he is

bringing you up to his level what does

it say in Genesis the first chapter of

Genesis in the Bible God created men in

his own image The Narcissist creates you

in his own image he is furious at your

lack of gratitude here is investing in

inferior you he's very close to God

sometimes they change places and here he

is having chosen

you having selected you he could have

chosen anyone but he chose you and here

he is molding you shaping you like

pigmon and galala and how do you react

you're unhappy you claim to be abused

and victimized you're too stupid to

realize the enormous gift you are

receiving you must understand this the

narcissist is very angry at you all the

time either because you are too

to appreciate his gifts which is usually

the case

or if you are intelligent you are too

ungrateful The Narcissist partner is a

in a binary State WR out or

ungrateful and usually ungrateful WR

out and so the

narcissist says to himself

to mold my partner I must resort to

extreme and radical measures Americans

call it tough love they tried it in Iraq

this is tough love it's for your own

good you will thank me one day if you

survive but there is a

problem

and now I'm going to take you into

the soul the psyche and the mind of the

[Music]

narcissist there was a sociologist by

the name of

giddens and in the 1990s giddens came

with a concept called ontological in

insecurity ontological insecurity the

narcissist is in a state of ontological

insecurity what is ontological

insecurity it's when you don't feel

continuous when you don't feel the that

your

yesterday or your today is a

continuation of yesterday and your

tomorrow will be continuation of today

obviously if there is no continuity it

is impossible to develop an

identity the narcissist is possibly the

only form of human who has no core no

identity no

Kel in 1995 I proposed that narcis

narcissism

is a form of multiple personality

disorder because the narcissist has two

selves true self which is a traumatized

very very young child who is paralyzed

by fear and hurt so this child is

dysfunctional and has no effect on the

psychodynamics of the narcissist and

there is the false self which is Godlike

we'll come to it a bit later so two s

yes true and false technically it's

multiple personality disorder because

it's a person with two personalities but

I I was wrong it's the second time I

admit I admit something today I don't

know what's happening to me I was I was

wrong because in multiple personality

known today as dissociative identity

disorder in dissociative identity

disorder there is

continuity the person with multiple

personalities has many personalities

but each of these

personalities has Perfect Memory and

perfect identity and each of these

personalities has total continuity so if

someone with multiple personality has

six personalities and one of these

personalities is Sam the Sam comes out

talks talks to the therapist and

then four months later Sam comes out

again Sam will remember the conversation

with the therapist the six personalities

have total continuity total memory total

identity not the

narcissist narcissists

forget or have no access to almost

80%

80% at least according to my studies

80% of their memories

every

minute you are confronted with a new

person new narcissist which has nothing

to do with a person a minute before

narcissist

suffer narcissist suffer from something

called dissociation

dissociation is breaks in memory missing

time so the narcissist

misses seconds milliseconds micros

seconds but misses all the time he

dissociates he dissociates all the time

he is not

continuous how to live like that what

the narcissist does is called in

clinical terms

confabulation The Narcissist The

Narcissist invents stories to cover the

missing parts The Narcissist says to

himself I remember picking the golf club

and I remember the ball going to the to

the

but I don't remember anything in between

so let's see probably probably it's

logical that I hit the ball with the

golf club probably it's logical it makes

sense it's plausible but I do not

remember it and this is called

confabulation very often The Narcissist

gets the confabulation wrong so people

think he's lying oh God lighting he is

not he's confabulating here's your

problem as victims or Partners the

narcissist is is like the river of

heraclitus you know pant you cannot

enter the same river twice you cannot

talk to the same narcissist twice you do

not have a relationship with the same

person you do not communicate with the

same human being not only there is no

one there there's nobody there but the

empty itself is fragmented and fractured

to Pieces it's like an empty beautiful

empty palace with no inhabitants and the

walls themselves are cracked and falling

down partners of

narcissist cannot digest this there are

two things that victims of narcissist

cannot accept and cannot digest one The

Narcissist does not exist there is

nobody home there is no

person

there I

mean probably many of you know that I'm

a narcissist yes I've been diagnosed

with narcissistic personality disorder

twice over 15 years it's pretty safe I'm

one so you look at me here I am joking

talking drinking coffee drinking water

smiling at

Barbara what am I missing some of you

may think that I'm reasonably okay

looking those with my Opia

so it is impossible impossible for you

to to

grasp that there is nobody here behind

this lecton trust me on this there is

nobody here you're experiencing Mass

delusion we will come to it this

phenomenon is known as The Uncanny

Valley the second thing the second thing

that victims or intimate partners of

narcissist find difficult to accept that

to The Narcissist they are not special

they are Commodities as interchangeable

as grains of rice the

narcissist is with you married to you

has children with you had had

experiences with you told you that he

loves you a million times how many times

you made love he cried intimacy the

minute you stop functioning he replaces

you because you are a commodity The

Narcissist loves his wife and he also

loves rice and very often he cannot tell

the

difference victims find it

shattering because their individuality

challenged so this is the first thing

ontological insecurity dissociation

confabulation nobody home no one there

sorry before I go to the second thing

so stop communicating so hard you cannot

negotiate with a non- entity you your

agreements mean nothing because no one

signed them you are talking to him you

are talking to yourself it's a ghost

less than a ghost it's a it's a

pretension it's a it's a piece of

fiction the false self is a piece of

fiction it's a bad movie it's a

script why do I resemble a human being

so well how do I give this how do I give

this almost perfect rendition of a human

being I observed many of you for a long

time time I have 190 IQ I used it you

not complex you have very basic life

forms you're easy to manipulate because

you have three or four basic modes your

user manual is pretty

rudimentary so you know it's not too

difficult to deceive you into believing

that I'm human it helps that I'm made of

carbon like the next generation of

artificial intelligence when the fin

Androids hit the earth they will be made

of carbon they will have Superior

cognitive skills I I hope there there

will be more handsome than me but they

will be me I am

it I am this thing I am in many respects

your future I think this is the horror

at the core of narcissism this is why

narcissism had become a global

phenomenon from Nepal to Australia and

from Egypt to to Canada there is a

Universal resonance because I think

you

recognize that this life form

narcissist probably is the future I

didn't say that uh Japanese roboticist

said it in 1970

masahi um said as that when robots

become indistinguishable from people

people will become very

frightened phobic and anxious and he

called it uncanny valley everyone feels

uncomfortable around the narcissist we

have proved it in studies people don't

know that they are with narcissist in

the same room and they will react with

extreme anxiety and discomfort why me

they feel that something is missing

something is off key something is

imitated not real something is fake I'm

telling you all these things

for you to

accept that it is not

possible to have a meaningful emotional

life with the narcissist and no amount

of manipulation will change

this the next thing you need to

understand about a narcissist is that

narcissists like other like people with

other mental health problems they are

capable capable of what we call

paradoxical

thinking um

the first person to describe paradoxical

thinking first psychologist was baton he

called it double bind and then Lang l l

was a famous L was a famous British

psychotherapist Audi Ling and he called

it the incomplete not not paradoxical

thinking is simply the

ability to have at the same time

contradictory thoughts and contradictory

beliefs you can't do that you cannot

think at the same time wow this guy is

evil and this guy is wonderful you

cannot think at the same time I believe

the world is good and the world is is

horrible you cannot have conflicting

cognitions and conflicting values and

beliefs this creates in you something

called dissonance and you solve the

dissonance by getting rid of one of the

horns one of the sides one of the

thoughts not so the narcissist

narcissist can at the same time at the

same moment have conflicting thoughts

contradictory thoughts contradictory

emotions contradictory values and

contradictory

beliefs so who are you talking to when

you communicate with the narcissist and

when you manipulate the narcissist who

are you

manipulating he can say at 3:00 in the

afternoon

Barbara is wonderful and at

3:15 Barbara sucks he changes his views

his commitments his promises his

contracts his Everything Changes

constantly and dramatically

because he has paradoxical thinking why

does he have paradoxical thinking

because he doesn't exist the essence of

existence is the

stability of cognitions values and so on

and these These are knowns as

shemas schemes so everyone has shemas

amalgams collections collections of

emotions cognitions beliefs values and

they are stable and they're solid under

stress they can break down but still

normally they're very stable it makes

all of you more or less predictable

reliable and of course it allows Society

to function narcissists and Psychopaths

by the way have not have none of this

they go with the flow and they react to

internal

Dynamics by changing themselves so

completely that they are utterly new it

is utterly

disorienting it's like shapes shifting

you know in science fiction movies shape

shifting it's Chima

chimerical it's and it's very very

disorienting and sometimes frightening

and always infuriating intimate partners

and victims of is

spend huge amounts of time trying to

nail down the jelly but yesterday you

said this but uh but you promised this

but didn't we

agree total waste of

time the third thing you need to know

about narcissist The Narcissist starts

as a reflection it's the only human

being that starts its conscious

existence

as a reflection The Narcissist

constructs his sense of self the false

self by reflecting himself from other

people healthy people healthy people

have a stable core they get input from

other people and they reject most of it

and they reject most of this input for

good reason this stability of the

core remains for Life regulation of

sense of selfworth reg regulation of

moods regulation of emotions it all

comes from inside if you find yourself

on a lonely alone on an island nothing

will happen to you as far as your sense

of self even alone on an island you

would still feel that you are you not so

the narcissist the narcissist is the

totality of the

reflections of other people The

Narcissist mind is like a hive of bees

your mind is like a surface

uninterrupted surface everything fits in

what doesn't fit in you discard after 20

years 30 years you are absolutely smooth

and seamless The Narcissist mind is like

a hive of bees with hexagons millions of

hexagons and to each hexagon The

Narcissist

collects his reflection in her eye eyes

in her eyes in his eyes in his eyes in

her eyes collects collects millions of

Reflections and then processes these

Reflections puts them in the

hexagons and what happens when there are

no Reflections narcissist feels when he

is not surrounded by people who reflect

him the narcissist feels that he does

not exist you remember the technique of

withholding this is connected to this if

you withhold you don't reflect if you

don't reflect you threaten the

narcissist ex very existence in the

relationship with a

narcissist you have 100% of the power

The Narcissist has zero The Genius of

the

narcissist is to convince you that he

has 100% of the power n and you have

zero The Narcissist does have empathy

it's called cold empathy cold empathy is

empathy but with without emotions it's

goal

oriented so if I see someone crying I

would

recognize that she is

sad I would recognize this she is sad so

I do have empathy I have cognitive

empathy yes but you will say wow she

said I remember being said it's a bad

feeling can I do something for her

emotional res resonance she said I

remember being

sad it's a bad feeling I want to help

the narcissist says or the psychopath

she is

sad I know what it means to be sad not

from personal experience but I know I

read in books I observed I know what it

means to be said

cognitively now if I play my cards right

probably at the end of the night I can

have sex with her because she is broken

she's

vulnerable her defenses are down it's an

opportunity called

empathy is empathy used to find your

vulnerabilities and then use these

vulnerabilities to obtain goals

narcissistic Supply sex money power

contacts whatever so never never ever

show The

Narcissist any emotion starve starve the

narcissist called empathy of information

do not provide information to the

narcissist called empathy you want to

cry there's always the toilet you're

happy keep it to yourself it's like the

Miranda

warning any emotion you show can and

will be used against

you and this is called empathy

similarly never ever offer The

Narcissist help or advice it's extremely

difficult many of you love The

Narcissist it's a different lecture

what's wrong with

you but many of you do and when you love

someone I heard you want you want to

help you want to prevent bad happen

things from happening to that person you

want to guide the person in the right

direction if you know the right

direction or you just want to hold hold

the person these are critical mistakes

with the narcis I repeat never ever

offer help advice guidance or holding

for two reasons one The Narcissist will

interpret your behavior as weakness as

vulnerability something he can leverage

something he can use to optain goals in

the future will begin to fake the need

for help second thing

if you offer The Narcissist help and

advice he will think that you are

humiliating him it's narcissistic injury

The Narcissist doesn't need help from

you narcissist doesn't need help from

anyone he's above help he's omnipotent

he's all

powerful naist doesn't need advice from

you he's omniscient he knows everything

a narcissist will drive his car for 6

hours before his wife will ask someone

one for help because they cannot find

the place if you're offering the

narcissist advice or help you are

telling you are saying to The Narcissist

you are in need of advice and help I

have something you don't have for

example I have information you don't

have narcist will react very badly to

this will never forgive you for offering

help and advice you well know by now

it's something that I described in in

the mid90s is a cycle of idealization

devaluation discard and

replacement there is a technique the

there is a

technique uh that makes use of this

cycle The Narcissist first idealizes

you then the narcissist devalues you

then the narcissist discards you and

then the narcissist replaces you with

someone else to manipulate the narcissis

you reverse the cycle reverse it

remember idealize the value discard

replace the

technique is

replace replace discard devalue

idealize replace the narcissist with

someone visibly

triangulate then discard him not only

triangulate with someone but also

discard the narcissis as you discard him

devalue

him I don't know you're not a man

example and

finally idealize him that's it he's

yours so it's reverse of the

cycle simply reverse the cycle now many

many women came to this Behavior

intuitively the maximum effect Maximum

Impact if it is all done in one sitting

in one

situation happened to me recently

the next thing you you should know about

the so as you see I'm describing the

world of the narcissist and from each

aspect of the narcissist personality I'm

giving you some technique or some

approach that might work the narcissist

is a victim of abuse that's why he

became a narcissist as a child The

Narcissist was terrified of pain of hurt

of unpredictability sorry so he created

the false

self naris don't have

relationships they have power plays it's

all about power all of it is

establishing a balance of Terror a

matrix of power The Narcissist from the

very beginning after the love bombing

phase by the way the love bombing phase

is not telling

you it's not about telling you that the

narcissist needs you or it's about

telling you how unique you are the

narcissist is trying in the love bombing

phase to convert you into narcissist to

taste how it feels to get narcissistic

Supply so the love bombing phase is

simply to give you the taste of this

drug so that you become junkies as well

but the minute The Narcissist acquires

you the minute The Narcissist Hoovers

you the minute you belong to the

narcissist in his mind

The Narcissist message to you is I don't

need you there is nothing you have that

I want or that I need or that I cannot

get anywhere else don't think you have

any power over me because you don't you

do not have power over me and I can dump

you tomorrow and find someone else in

minutes this is precisely the essence of

relationships with narcissist in the

first phase The Narcissist tells you how

special you are in the second phase The

Narcissist tell you tells you how not

special you are you're

amazing you're

unique you are the love of my life I

never had this this experience with

anyone I never felt so deeply you know

what I never felt at all you are the

first and only the things you do to

and this is the love bombing phase and

makes you feel very very unique one in

the world there's only one you you can

offer nothing I need and what you offer

I don't need if I'm a cerebral

narcissist I'm above sex sex is foret

out if I'm any kind of narcissist I'm

above emotions love is for stupid people

weak people and if it's not you then

someone else you should be honored and

grateful that I've introduced you into

my exciting adventurous life it is this

pendulum of conflicting

messages that totally unsettles and

destabilize the victim The Narcissist

fully expects to lose you he already

behaves as though he had lost you you're

always temporary even if you're 30 years

together you're still temporary narcist

have something called anticipatory loss

anxiety from very early age narcissist

have something called object in

constancy or object

impermanence again for those of you who

are in Psychology object in object

impermanence is a term coined by Jean P

child psychologist in the late 60s an

object in constancy is a term coined by

Margaret

Mara another child another she was not

psychologist actually she was a doctor

but expert on child psychology you

know when a baby at a very early age

before the first year of Life between 5

months and in one year when mother

leaves the room the baby starts to cry

because out of sight out of existence if

the baby doesn't see mother mother stops

exist gradually the child creates a

representation of mother inside his mind

when mother is in the room the child

interacts with mother when mother is

outside the room the child's in the

child interacts with the representation

of mother this representation is known

as IMO

so with a

narcissist there there is a problem at

this phase and what happens is the

narcissist interacts only with the

representation can you think why why

would the narcissist prefer to interact

with the representation and not with you

I gave you the clue I gave you the

answer actually

if I am afraid to lose

you I would prefer to interact not with

you but with your

representation you can always walk away

out of my life I don't control what you

do and what you may do but I have full

control over the representation inside

my mind so the minute The Narcissist

sees you and decides that you are

potentially a good source

Supply a shocking process takes place

and you're not even aware of it the

narcissist snapshots you takes a

snapshot with his mental

camera he meets

someone he thinks she can supply provide

Supply at that second he takes a

snapshot from that

second I want you to understand this

it's extremely difficult to believe I

know from that second

all the time the narcissist interacts

never ever with you always with a

snapshot in a minute you will understand

why the narcissist has

has at some point to devalue you

although in many cases the cycle repeats

itself many times but a such a cycle

must exist

The Narcissist has you and a

snapshot but you are not the

snapshot you have your own life you

develop you study you travel you have

lovers maybe don't tell anyone I mean

things happen to you you initiate things

you are in other words Dynamic the

snapshot is static you start you start

from the same position overlapping and

then what happens you move away snapshot

is here and you're

here but the narcissist is emotionally

invested in the

snapshot controls the snapshot talks to

the

snapshot

so you gradually become less and less

relevant as you diverge from the

snapshot at some

point you become a threat the

differences between you and the snapshot

are so

enormous that even the narcissist cannot

deceive himself that the snapshot is

accurate at some

point you challenge the

snapshot you all know that point you've

all gone through it because the

narcissist starts saying things like you

have changed a lot you're not the same

woman I fell in love with what's

happening to you you need help you're

through a crisis he is

describing the G the Gap the abyss that

is opening between you and the snapshot

at that

point he must get rid of you must get

rid of you because the snapshot matters

to him much more than you he's

protecting the snapshot he has zero

tolerance for abandonment zero tolerance

for loss because he is a baby it's a

baby baby with no object constancy so he

gets rid of you how to get rid of You by

devaluing you how how to justify to

himself that he idealized you yesterday

and is devaluing you today what he made

a mistake when he idealized you was he

mistaken no way narcissist is never

mistaken you changed you are not the

same person the person he's devaluing is

not the person that he idealized so this

mechanism

which is technically known as

introjection this mechanism explains the

the Cycles what is the technique so

everything I'm telling you there is a

technique the technique is to animate

the snapshot remember the narcissist has

in his mind a representation of you as

you used to be let's say when you met so

you have two options to go back to that

time and become who you used to be to

give up on your personal progress and

development you will be shocked how many

partners do exactly this they started to

study in the University they stop they

are successful in business they close

the business ET is to they unwind the

changes that's one technique the second

technique is what we call brinkmanship

it's it's to animate the snapshot to

extreme that means to challenge the

snapshot to provide the narcissist with

a new snapshot but how can you do that

you already has a snapshot of You by not

being you you must change so radically

and

dramatically that the narcissist will

have the feeling that he had just met a

new partner change everything from

hairstyle to clothing to lovers to I

mean behave totally differently

different priorities different

everything and the narcissist will say

wow I'm falling in love with you again

you're so different I've had couples

restart sex after 15 years I've I've had

divorced couples who went back to living

together with this technique next thing

you should

know

narcissism narcissism feels to The

Narcissist like religion feels to an

extreme American

fundamentalist or a member of Isis

narcissists

are religious fanatics they are members

of a very special religion this religion

has one God and one worshipper and it's

the only religion in the world where the

God is the

worshipper

but the inner

experience the emotional correlate the

cognitive aspects are utterly identical

to a religious experience let us try to

understand why it's it's my favorite

topic so I don't care if you're not

interested to live with a narcissist to

be with a narcissist is to be member of

a cult the narcissist is the leader of

the cult and you are the

member the narcissism religion is

missionary Christianity sent

missionaries in the 19th century to

Africa to convert the natives the

natives were happy some of the

missionaries were tasty

but exactly like Christianity sent

missionaries to Africa to convert the

natives exactly in the same way the

narcissist is trying to convert you to

his religion what is narcissistic Supply

it's to worship The Narcissist when the

narcissist is asking you to give him

Supply he is asking you to worship His

God

him so there is a very interesting

branch new

branch of teaching the victims to cope

with

narcissist the same way we cope with

religious

fundamentalists I'm kidding you not when

you meet a fanatic Muslim or a fanatic

Jew or a fanatic Christian instinctively

you know what not to say yes you will

not mock Muhammad unless you are

Danish you will not you will not attack

God in the presence of a fundamentalist

Christian uh Jesus you will not attack

Jesus in the presence of fundamentalist

Christian so you know intuitively

instinctively no one taught you no one

told you but you know what not to do you

know what not to say and if you are

inside the church or inside the mosque

or inside the synagogue you definitely

know that some things are never done

some things are never said well when you

live with a narcissist you're living

with a religious

fundamentalist some things you never do

and some things you never say you never

challenge the god of the narcissist

which happens to be the narcissist you

never challenge the attributes of that

God God is all knowing god is all

powerful God is god is perfect God is

brilliant you don't challenge this it's

bad it's bad taste it's impolite to tell

me that I'm not God it also means you're

delusional I am God but still it's a

church so

seriously if you begin to look at

narcissism as a religion and understand

that you are living with that religion's

extreme

fundamentalist you will automatically

instinctively intuitively know what to

do and how to behave

how does narcissism become a religion

why does it have religious aspects very

briefly the child is uh abused by his

parents mostly his mother but not only

by his

parents now this abuse is many

forms it can be classic sexual abuse

sexual physical abuse psychological

abuse but abuse is any

situation where the child is not allowed

to separate from the parent and become

an individual when the parent does not

allow the child to develop his his or

her own

boundaries a healthy child with a

healthy parent the child stops here the

parent starts here there's a boundary

between them in the case of a

narcissistic parent

usually the child is not allowed to

build Donald Trump's border War the

child is not

allowed to make a distinction between

herself or himself and the parent so you

know the mother who always wanted to be

an actress and she failed and she forces

her daughter to become an actress that's

abuse you know the mother who spoils the

child and tells him that he can never do

anything wrong it's abuse it's abused

because it doesn't allow the child to

conflict with the environment thereby

creating a boundary so there are many

many forms of abuse how does a child

react to this he creates an imaginary

friend a piece of fiction the false self

the false self is everything that the

child is

not the child is small false self is

infinite the child cannot

guess what the parent will do next the

parent is unpredictable the false self

knows everything is omnicient the child

child is helpless the false self is all

powerful the child is receiving

conditional love if you do this and this

I will love you so there are the child

knows that if he fails he is a bad

object he will not be loved he is

unworthy the false self is perfect the

false self is everything the child is

not but look at the list look at the

list of the false self perfect knows

everything

um all powerful

brilliant there are only two entities in

the world which have this description

one is Donald Trump and one is God and

Donald Trump has orange air so God is

left so seriously the child's child

actually

invents God and creates the child

creates a private religion this God the

false self

protects him from the parent absorbs the

pain and the hurt isolates the child

like a firewall the false self is a

child's God but you know it's a very

primitive God it's the god of the Old

Testament and like the god of the Old

Testament who asked Abraham to sacrifice

Isaac the false self asks the child to

sacrifice something the false self is a

God and once's Human

Sacrifice but what human sacrifice what

can the child sacrifice who can the

child sacrifice

himself only himself that's precisely

what the child does he sacrifices

himself to this new God the false self

he sacrifices his true

self to the false self he worship he

worships the false self but the false

self is a very greedy and hungry God and

like the molok one human sacrifice is

not enough this God demands additional

human sacrifices and this is where I'm

happy to say you come in you are these

additional human sacrifices The

Narcissist has to sacrifice you to the

false self and this is precisely why in

1995 I coined the phrase narcissistic

abuse why did I need to say narcissistic

abuse why not abuse because narcissistic

abuse is total The Narcissist only way

to sacrifice you to the false self is to

eliminate your separate existence he

must The Narcissist must annihilate you

the narcissist abuse is not functional

instrumental it's existential you must

die so that the false self is gratified

and

satisfied because if the fal self is not

satisfied and not gratified The

Narcissist will not exist so ladies and

ladies when you team up with a

narcissist it's either him or

you it's a war to death one of you one

of you must die at least psychologically

indeed victims and intimate partners of

narcissist describe a feeling of inner

death it's very interesting because

there was a scholar by the name of Oto

kernberg in

1975 kernberg invented the diagnosis of

borderline personality disorder when we

observe victims of narcissist from the

outside we cannot tell if they are

victims of narcissist or if they are

patients with borderline personality

disorder this void

this inner inner death is common to

victims of complex PTSD and to patients

with borderline personality disorder and

it leads to libility

ups and downs and to emotional

disregulation which is subject for

another

lecture four brief points and then I

will open the floor to two questions

Point number

one The Narcissist has an external law

Fus of control in other words The

Narcissist ironically believes that his

life is determined from the outside

consequently The Narcissist blames

everything on the outside and this is

known as alloplastic defense so this is

the sequence my life is determined from

outside so I'm not responsible it's not

by fault not guilty they did it he did

it she did

it not me so locus of control is

defense is alloplastic this is very

interesting for you because if you are

willing to play a kind of dangerous game

you can become the narcissist locus of

control but you have to be very sharp

astute and know what you're doing first

of all you must allow the narcissist to

blame you for everything allow encourage

it to blame you for everything so you

come to n it's my fault I made a mistake

it was wrong I shouldn't have done it oh

poor you you're are suffering because of

me etc etc etc etc this has two

beneficial effects if you say it the

narcissist doesn't have to say it it

reduces the abuse but much more

importantly gradually The Narcissist out

of convenience will begin to regard you

as the locus of control as the external

locus of control and and he will become

extremely codependent on you it's

totally counterintuitive technique but

it works narcissist will say to himself

everything that's bad

is her

fault probably everything that's good is

her fault probably everything is her

fault probably she controls everything

it's a kind of a conspiracy theory he

will develop a kind of conspiracy theory

don't forget the narcis narcissism is a

religion and you can apply for the job

God all you need is a Long White

Beard okay next Point magical thinking

one of the reasons not therapy works

with narcissist all therapist fail with

narcissist possibly the reason the major

reason is the therapist insist to treat

narcissist as adults they strike an

alliance with the narcissist they they

negotiate with the narcissist they argue

with the narcissist they rason with the

narcissist they ask the narcissist to

promise things the narcissist is not an

adult there is no narcissist alive whose

mental age well alive dead ones may

maybe but narc there's no narcist alive

whose mental age is higher than let's

say

11 so it's a mistake to treat narcissist

adults my new therapy C therapy is built

on this

insight and it all the techniques in C

therapy are based on child psychology

but one of the things that children have

is called magical thinking because

children have magical thinking the

narcissist has magical thinking magical

thinking is the belief that internal

processes affect reality so you know the

famous phenomenon that children blame

themselves for bad things that are

happening to the parents that's magical

thinking or children Expect Miracles or

believe in fairy tales or have imaginary

friends these are all forms of magical

thinking and of course false self is a

major feet of magical thinking but if

you take magical thinking and add to it

grandiosity Godlike I'm Godlike and add

to it immunity because I'm God no one

can touch me if you mix this you get a

very explosive mixture because of this

mixture The Narcissist for example is

reckless is takes risks crazy risks

Because he believes in magic he's immune

no no one and nothing can touch him

there are no consequences to his actions

he's God God can do anything no so he's

Reckless so you risk taker and he is

GB gble stupid believes everyone and

everything easy to deceive to cheat and

to con no there is no one more stupid

than the person who thinks he is not

that's another Jew by the name of

Socrates who said it so the narcissist

believes that he knows everything

cannot learn anything and no one can be

more clever than him and this is the

dream dream client of a con artist you

can make use of this you can make use of

this if you want the narcissist to do

something you convince him that it was

his

idea everything comes from him you you

want to put an idea in his head you ask

for his advice even if he's totally

unqualified

you you push him to perform Miracles you

say that you expect him to to do this

because he can do anything it's very

easy to manipulate the narcissist using

his grandiosity magical thinking and

belief that he is immune to the

consequences of his actions and you use

the narcissist entitlement you tell the

narcissist you deserve this you want him

to take risks you want him to leave you

alone all you have to say for example

you deserve someone much better than me

true The Narcissist will say I really

do or you deserve the easy life you

shouldn't work so hard or your luck will

you're very lucky your luck will carry

you through I mean it's extremely easy

just be creative the reason I'm giving

you a two two and something hour lecture

is because Barbara paid me a lot of

money but if Barbara hadn't paid me a

lot of money the lecture would have been

extremely short and would have contained

a single sentence manage your narcissist

as you manage your 4-year-old end of

story you saw how much money you could

have saved that's a narcissist for you

you can never trust last point and we

last point and I I will open to I will

open to questions one thing people

including by the way the vast majority

professionals including the leading

experts on paranoia what they don't

appreciate is that paranoia is a form of

narcissism there are two critical

elements in

paranoia without which you cannot be

paranoid Point number one I am the

center of attention someone is paying me

attention and I am sufficiently

important for someone to to want to harm

me take away these two elements and

there's no paranoia but what isano what

is I'm the center of

attention grandiosity it's a form of

narcissistic Supply and what is and what

is he wants to harm me the CIA is after

me what is this it means I'm very

important I can be important to the CIA

if I'm an not case or I can be important

to my neighbor but it doesn't matter I

am important my neighbor is sitting at

night obsessed thinking how to kill my

dog you know I'm the center of my

neighbor's Universe the focus of his

thoughts this is classic grandio

narcissism a CL absolutely no wonder

most narcissist are paranoid it's just

the other way that's not been recognized

that most paranoids are actually

narcissist now persecutory delusions

this paranoia technically is called

persecutory delusion because it's a

delusion of

persecution persecutory delusion lead to

a behavior called hypervigilance

hypervigilance is when I scan the

room and I say I'm giving the most

important lecture of this new century

and this guy is blowing his nose

that's an

insult he's humiliating me he better I'm

just giving this as an example so a

classic narcissist might think like this

he's scanning scanning for disrespect

insults attacks you know so for example

you tell me good morning tell me good

morning tell me good

evening no tell me good evening let's be

realistic good evening good evening why

do you think I don't know it's evening

you think I'm stupid I need you to tell

me it's

evening this is a hypervigilant reaction

and it's very often utterly ridiculous

as in this example good evening this guy

thinks I'm I'm too stupid to notice this

evening can't believe some people I mean

horrible so this is paranoia persecutory

delusions and hypervigilance you can

make use of it you can make use of it by

enhancing and not not ameliorating not

reducing but enhancing The Narcissist

persecutory delusions and hypervigilance

in various ways so for example you

remember the technique of deflection

decoy where both of you hate the

Mother-in-law so you can use this common

enemy to

enhance the paranoia and to enhance the

hypervigilance what for the higher the

paranoia the more the

hypervigilance the more the narcissist

will need

you as an ally it will create what we

call in French

fad so both of you will be in this

paranoid persecutory delusion and you

will feed it and he will get the naris

will get closer and closer to

you this is very common in communities

for example like the militias the

militias in paramilitary militias in the

United States in the Appalachian

Mountains and so on it's common in some

terrorist organizations for example we

have psychological studies of the Carlos

terrorist organization in the' 70s and B

mhof and the red guards in in Italy the

and in all these there were women and

men in cells and they had this Dynamic

going so there there are studies in

Germany B

mhof some some of the leaders were

women and

uh they use these techniques exactly to

control highly narcissistic men same

same in the Manson family so this is the

technique I recommend if your narcissist

is a serial killer or

terrorist and if not and you use this

technique he will end up as

one okay guys what's left of you uh I'm

open to questions

narcissists use two strategies two

behavioral

patterns in order to manipulate people

to do their

bidding they either please

people cater to their needs act as best

friends loving compassionate empathic

it's all of course a fake fainted

simulation but it's

still people pleasing Behavior

emulates real people Pleasers or they

terrorize people today we're going to

focus on people pleasing now just to

make clear the majority of people

Pleasers are not narcissists they are

not and yet all people pleases

narcissist or not are easy to

manipulate it's easy to get them to do

what you want them to do it's not that

they are gall it's not that they are

polyan is but they are driven they're

driven by the need by the need to

satisfy gratify and please

others and so this is the topic of

today's video three steps to manipulate

a people pleaser as evil a title as I

could come up with and a propo evil my

name is s vaknin and I'm the author of

malignant self- Lov narcissism visited

the first book ever on narcissistic

abuse and a professor of Clinical

Psychology which pleases me no

end okay shim konim etc etc first I

advise you to um realize that the video

is divided in two parts the first part

is a general introduction and the second

part I go much deeper into the

psychology of people pleas Pleasers all

in all it's a pretty short video by my

standards but still it would be

perfectly okay if you were to watch only

the first part it's entirely up to

you it's important to realize or to

understand that people

pleasing is a phenomenon that involves

grandiosity and

catastrophizing why grandiosity people

Pleasers are submissive people Pleasers

are Meek they're humble the modest

they're there to

serve so why use the word

grandiosity because people pleaser make

the assumption that other people are

going to be devastated that other people

are going to be harmed that the

well-being of other people is going to

be compromised if the people pleas her

were to say no if the people pleaser

were to deny his or her Services

something bad would happen to the

recipients so there is this

grandiosity this hidden message or

hidden assumption that you as a people

pleaser you hold the well-being the

internal regulation the moods and the

emotions of other people in your hands

you're in charge you're in charge of

other people being happy you're in

charge of other people's happiness now

that's as grandio a statement as I've

ever ever

heard

and the people C's message is I am that

important to other people's lives I am

that crucial to other people's

well-being that I really must

perform I must do my bit I must

contribute I must please so this is the

grandiosity part the second part has to

do with

catastrophizing again there's a an

occult hidden

message hidden

assumption and that is the P Pleasers

tells himself or herself if I were to

say

no there would be disastrous

consequences to me especially

emotionally but maybe also in other ways

I may end up making enemies and there

will be disastrous consequences to

others who could have benefited from my

actions choices and

decisions so this assumption this

underlying

assumption that where the people pleaser

sees to be a people pleaser when the

people pleaser stop pleasing other

people some disastrous cataclysmic

apocalyptic consequences would follow

this is of course catastrophizing a

cognitive

distortion grandiosity is also cognitive

distortion so we can generalize and say

that the people pleaser pleaser mind is

cognitively

distorted the reality testing of a

people pleaser is all shot impaired he

doesn't or she doesn't grasp reality

appropriately the people

pleaser grasps reality or Peres reality

in a way that elevates the people

pleaser into a position of power on the

one hand and by do doing

so renders the people pleaser

responsible for other people's happiness

other people's well-being other people's

gratification and other people's

accomplishments this is where the people

pleaser positions himself or herself

it's a choice actually it's a choice

that's emotionally

gratifying anxiety

reducing and self

aggrandizing there are automatic

thoughts at the core of the people pleas

people pleasing involves what is known

in cognitive behavior therapy as ants

automatic thoughts not necessarily

negative most people Pleasers have been

parentified as

children when they were young they were

forced to act in the role of a parent in

even to their own parents they fathered

the father they mothered the mother they

were the adults in the room as children

they were never allow allowed to

experience childhood they were never

they were never inducted into a

trajectory of healthy self-growth and

self-development they were playing a

role from the very Inception of life

people pleasing therefore is a role

playing thing has to do with role

playing and role Theory but these

automatic thoughts which are at the core

of people pleasing among especially

among parentifying children are the

following number one my happiness is

always it's someone else's expense it's

a zero sum game if I'm happy that's

because I've made someone else unhappy

or it's because I could have made

someone else happy and did

not number two I have to earn my

happiness I don't deserve it I have to

work hard I have to

justify any gratification any gift any

re receiving any whenever I take

something whenever I seek to be happy or

content I have to work hard to justify

this I don't deserve this

automatically it's because maybe I'm not

lovable

or maybe because I'm a failure making

other people happy or maybe because my

destiny and my mission in life is to

make other people happy and any minute

that I spend on myself is a der elction

Duty whatever the reason may be there is

this self-perception that happiness is

not out there for the taking but has to

be somehow gained somehow

earned number three I have to somehow

bribe people to stay with me collaborate

with me help me and tolerate

me because I'm not lovable or because

I'm a freak or because I'm a difficult

person or because I'm unique even

positively unique but in any

case I'm an exception I'm an

outlier and therefore I should be

treated as an outcast

and so when people agree to be with me

spend time with me when they agree to

socialize with me let alone become

friends or in a couple when they agree

to work with me help me I should be

grateful I should be grateful and I

should demonstrate my gratitude by

giving them something it could be

something tangible a material possession

it could be my time it could be my

resources and energy it could be

something self-sacrificial denying

myself happiness and gratification in

order to bring it on in the people who

share my

life I am a bad object says the people

pleaser I'm unworthy I'm unlovable I'm

crazy I'm inadequate I'm dissolute I'm

hopeless I'm irredeemable and so on so

forth number four I need to compromise

on my boundaries and rights

owing to all the above because I'm such

a difficult person to be with because

the experience of being with me the

experience of helping me the experience

of loving me is so

honorous and so

unrewarding I have to give up on my

boundaries I have to compromise on my

rights I have to be

easygoing I have to accept I have to be

submissive

why all that in order to somehow

mitigate somehow mitigate the difficulty

of being with

me if I were to be

unbounded if I were to not insist on

what's mine and what I'm owed maybe this

would allow people in my life to remain

in my life and to not abandon me or

reject

me now having taking all the taken all

this in mind you could see how easy it

is to manipulate people

Pleasers the main motivation of a people

pleaser would be to please you of course

so here are the three steps to

manipulating people Pleasers all you

have to do is this number one

communicate your

expectations either overtly explicitly

and verbally or behaviorally with body

language microexpression

and so on either way make clear and make

sure that the people pleaser has

understood what is expected of him or

her your expectations become the rule

your expectations Rule and so they must

be gratified they must be met and they

must be actualized number two

communicate pleasure when your

expectations are met but don't overdo it

always leave place for

more render the process

inexorable

unattainable be

pleased demonstrate that you're happy

and content and

gratified but do it in a way that SES

doubt in the people Pleasers mind

whether he or she have done enough for

you number three communicate

profound

unmitigated

disappointment even

heartbreak when the people pleaser fails

to meet your

expectations whenever there's a gap

between what you wanted what you have

wanted the people pleaser to do and what

the people pleaser opted to do at the at

the end whenever there's such a gap

communicate to the people pleas that

you're so so so devastated you are so

sad you're so sorry you're so

angry you're so heartbroken even that

maybe just maybe you're on the verge of

abandoning the people pleaser and

rejecting the whole

relationship do do these three things

with the people pleaser and you will

have found a

lifelong servant not to say slave

catering permanently to all your needs

selflessly self-

sacrificially and without

complaint that is the popular part now

on to the psychodynamics and psychology

of people pleases a little more in

depth yes I'm alive I survived the Trump

video you didn't get to me you're going

to make more

videos my name is sakin I the author of

malignance of Love narcissism Revisited

the Bible of narcissism the book that

coined all the language in use today I'm

also a professor of psychology two days

ago I released a video about the way

constructs

reshape

reality uh reframe your memories in

order to uphold and to butress and to

support a specific self state which is

responsive to environmental cues now

this was a mouthful so I'll remind you

self State the environment sends you

stimuli the environment provides

information and data a specific self

state is selected the self state

activates a construct the construct

interfaces with reality gathers the

information filters it reframes it in

order to conform to the self State and

then the construct also uh changes your

memory it kind of represses some

memories emphasizes other memories

creates select a selective memory

environment so it Alters

it Alters the perception of reality it

Alters your memories and then it induces

in you behaviors that tend to uphold the

self State this is done via introjects

the introjects are internal voices in

your head that send out a stream of

automatic thoughts the

constructs activate trigger specific

injects then the automatic thoughts

shape your behavior and you create in

the environment you create you generate

specific

outcomes uh your behavior has

consequences and these outcomes or

Consequences tend to support to uphold

to prove right the self- state and its

Associated constellation of

constructs I recommend that you watch

that video there's a lot more there a 1

hour video one of my

shortest but many of you have written to

me to ask can you give me can you give

us an example can you give us an example

of how this works in reality so today

I'm going to do exactly this you are

warned today I'm going to discuss how

this mechanism works with people

Pleasers and with children uh adults who

had been parentified as children

and so these people

have specific automatic thoughts these

automatic thoughts are at the core of

the identity of people Pleasers and

formally parentified children what are

these automatic thoughts well here they

are number one my happiness is always at

someone else's expense I call it the

Zero Sum automatic thought

if you happy someone else is unhappy

your happiness is someone else's

sacrifice your contentment your joy your

cheer is someone else's distress or

burden so there's a zero some game if

you love people if you like people if

you want to please people if you feel

that you are someone's mother or

someone's daddy figure you are going to

withhold your happiness you're going to

suppress your joy and cheer and

contentment in order not to inflict

undue burdens sacrifices and unhappiness

on your nearest and dearest that is

automatic thought number one and it

comes from an inject or a group of

injects possibly for example a harsh

critical mother or a withholding absent

mother or a selfish essentially dead

mother

mentally okay the second automatic

thought at the core of people pleasing

and formally parentified children is I

have to earn my happiness I don't

deserve happiness I have to work hard

for it I have to justify it I have to

demonstrate that uh happiness um is due

is my due

happiness is not an ambient thing

happiness is not something that everyone

around me should strive to provide me

for happiness is not something I should

pursue because if I pursue happiness it

is at someone else's expense happiness

is hard work so these people identify

happiness with tasks with

assignments with

labor the more the busier they are the

more difficult life is the more honorous

the

tasks the more they have to

do the the happier they feel because

surely having invested so much work

happiness is coming to me

so um these people would tend to become

for example Workaholics they would tend

to develop addictions a variety of

addictions addiction is perceived by the

adct as work you ask any Junkie and he

will tell you how much work there is in

securing the drug and then using the

drug and so on so forth addiction

involves ceremonies routines addiction

creates a social circle around the

addict so addiction is an organizing

principle a life structuring affirmation

at these people people Pleasers formerly

parentified children they tend to become

addicts because the

addiction is perceived as labor hard

labor and toil is the prerequisite and

the an antecedent of Happiness there's

no happiness without toil it's a little

like in the Bible you know when Adam and

Eve were expelled from the Garden of

Eden God promised them a life of

toil uh compensated for by giving giving

birth to

Children okay happiness including

childbearing and child rearing

um you have to work for it you have to

earn it and deserve

it number

three automatic thought number

three

somehow I have to bribe

people I have to bribe people around me

I have to somehow corrupt them by

offering them something I have to

compensate them for being with me I have

to bribe people to stay with me I I have

to bribe people to collaborate with me I

have to coopt people to help me I have

to make sure that people tolerate me

because I give them something in

return and I need to do all this because

I'm a bad object I'm unworthy I'm

unlovable I'm crazy I'm inadequate I'm

dissolute I'm hopeless and so on and so

forth I am so I am such

um bad deal I'm such a delinquent

proposition that for people to do to

have anything to do with me they somehow

must be given something in return must

compensated so this is the third

automatic negative automatic thought and

the fourth automatic thought is I need

compromise life is a compromise I need

to compromise on my boundaries

I need to give up my

rise I need to do all this because of

the previous three automatic thoughts

I'm unworthy my happiness is always at

the expense of someone and I have to

earn my happiness so I need to give up

on boundaries on rights on demands on

expectations I can't force myself on the

environment I need to minimize myself I

need to minimize myself to the point of

Vanishing

I need to be an

apparition I need to become a function I

can't be a full-fledged human being

because I'm a full if a full-fledged

human being this in itself is a burden

on other

people this in itself is an requires an

exertion of other people just to accept

me I'm inexorable I'm a plague and a

Devastation I need to keep myself hidden

in a

way these are the automatic thoughts at

the core of people pleasing at the core

of formerly parentified

children and these automatic thoughts

pervade all areas of life all types of

functioning all acts all decisions and

choices all cognitions and all emotions

in sex for example someone with this

mindset would allow her partner to do

anything to her even a casual partner

even a total stranger she would have no

boundaries she would let him anything do

anything he pleases she would not dare

say no because in her mind she has no

right to say no if she if she were to

say no she would make the partner angry

justifiably she would deserve punishment

because she's a bad object so she would

succumb to unwanted sex with an un

undesirable partner because that's just

the way it is she doesn't deserve any

better she has no rights she doesn't

have even the right to impose a

boundary it's nice of him to just be

with her and give her some attention and

this is in SE in the family such a

person would be a doormat she would

cater to the needs of others to the

point of self Deion and utter exhaustion

she would sacrifice a health physical

and mental just to guarantee Harmony

Consensus These people are conflict

averse these automatic thoughts are

coopted by the constructs the constructs

Within These people the construct

inherent inherent in these people

they activate they trigger specific

injects for example the harsh harsh

mommy inject or the rejecting absent

daddy

inject Or the critical teacher inject so

the the constructs in these

people constructs within these people

they would trigger specific

introjects and these introjects will

spew out will generate the afor

mentioned four automatic

thoughts so the constructs activate the

introjects the

introjects begin to generate automatic

thoughts your happiness is someone

else's expense you have to earn your

happiness you don't deserve it you have

to Bri bribe people to stay with you

collaborate with you help you or

tolerate you and you need to compromise

on your boundaries and rights these are

the automatic thoughts the constructs

latch onto these automatic thoughts

appropriate them snatch them and they

use them to manipulate the environment

the behavior I'm sorry they use these

automatic thoughts generated by the

interjects the constructs use them to

manipulate or affect the

behaviors of the p pleasa and the

formally paren

child people

pleasing and formally parentified child

these are the self

States so the people pleaser has a

people pleasing self States self state

which then uses a group of constructs

which then activate specific interjects

which gen with which then

generate the automatic thoughts which

then affect the behaviors of the people

pleaser and the formerly parentified

child I hope it's a bit clearer now you

can apply it to every situation and

every person you've ever met this is a

universal model a self- state responsive

to to the environment self- State

responsive to circumstances self- State

responsive to other people this self-

state selects con conct s constructs are

ways of organizing the

world constructs are ways of imbuing the

world which sense and meaning

interpreting the world explaining what's

happening so the

constructs falsify memory reframe memory

and they also suppress lots of

information information that conflicts

with the self State challenges the self

state will be filtered out the construct

is like a

membrane and then these

constructs would affect your behavior

affect the behavior of these people to

conform to the self- state they do this

by activating

injects and flooding the subject

flooding the person with automatic

thoughts automatic thoughts affect

Behavior Behavior affects reality

reality conforms to the self State

everyone is happy there's no dissonance

no conflict no anxiety this is how

things work so next time you come across

a people pleaser next time you come

across a promiscuous person who can't

say no next time you come across someone

who has been parentified as a child and

insist on being your mother or your

father because that's the only thing

they know how to how to do next time you

come across these people realize that

these are self States

they have other self States when they

are in the people pleasing self State

the promiscuous never say no self State

the um um parentifying self- State when

they are in these self States they have

specific constructs inside that activate

specific injects that flood them with

automatic thoughts that they cannot

resist these automatic thoughts are like

programming like algorithms at that

moment the self State takes over and the

person becomes a puppet a machine a

robot a

computer we spend most of our lives in

this automatic state which is why many

philosophers and psychologists and

neuroscientists doubt the existence of

free will I have a video dedicated to

this

forgiving because people know not know

not what they're

doing my name is sne I'm the author of

malignant self-love narcissism

Revisited to a narcissistic boss or

employer the members of his staff his

employees are sources of narcissistic

Supply and nothing

else their role is to remember events

that support the grandio self-image of

the

narcissist to regulate the narcissistic

Supply to adulate to adore to admire to

agree to affirm to provide attention and

approval and generally to serve as an

audience the staff or employees are

supposed to remain

passive the narcissist is not interested

in anything but the simplest function of

mirroring his

Grandeur his achievements his

status when the mirror the employee

acquires a personality and a life of its

own the narcissist is

incensed when independent minded an

employee is perceived to be a kind of

danger and is in danger of being sacked

by his narcissistic

employer an act which demonstrates the

employer's omnipotence control over the

employee the employees presumption to be

the employer equal is rejected and

vehemently and emotionally resented by

the

employer an employee should not try to

befriend a narcissistic boss or a

narcissistic employer friendship Is

Possible only among equals and to The

Narcissist his employees and his staff

are his

inferiors they are his property he Lords

over them he is superior to them

therefore how can he be their friend

trying to become a narcissistic bosses

or employes friend constitutes an injury

to the haughtiness and pride and

arrogance of said boss or

employer the narcissistic boss or

employer is willing to accept his

employees as underlings as subordinates

who very position serves to support his

grandio fantasies but nothing else and

nothing

above the grandiosity of the

narcissistic Boston

employer is precarious and

tenuous it rests on fragile

foundations any hint of equality with

the employees any disagreement any

criticism and even any expression of an

unfulfilled

need threatens The Narcissist

profoundly the narcissist is exceedingly

insecure deep inside it is easy to

destabilize the narc The Narcissist

impromptu to personality his false self

his

reactions however disproportionate and

rageful are merely in

self-defense

so classic narcissistic behavior is when

idealization is followed by De

devaluation so at first the narcissistic

boss or employer idealizes the new

employee he the new employee can do

nothing wrong he's perfect he's br

I is attuned to The Narcissist needs but

then devaluation

follows as a result of minor

disagreements or merely because time has

eroded the employees capacity to serve

as a fresh source of attention and

narcissistic

Supply the veteran employee is taken for

granted by his narcissistic employer and

boss he becomes uninspiring as a source

of adulation admiration and attention

The Narcissist always seeks new Thrills

new

stimuli provided through and via the

attention given by new

employees the narcissist is notorious

for for his low threshold of resistance

to Bodom his behavior is

impulsive his biography is chaotic

precisely because of his need to

introduce uncertainty and risk in to

what he regards as stagnation or slow

death in other words routine narcissists

abhor

routines most interactions in the

workplace though are part of the Rat

they are

routine and thus constitute a reminder

to the narcissist that he is quote

unquote stagnating Shackled imprisoned

unappreciated unable to realize his tact

potential the routine workplace deflates

The Narcissist grandio

fantasies so narcissists do many

unnecessary wrong and even dangerous

things in pursuit of restoring and

stabilizing their inflated

self-image narcissist feel suffocated by

intimacy or by the constant reminders of

real nitty-gritty world out there it

reduces them it makes them realize the

the gap between their fantasies and

reality it is a threat to the balance of

their personality structures the false

self which is invented and confabulated

and concocted and the true self which is

dilapidated and

dysfunctional so they treat routine and

every everyone connected to that routine

as a

menace narcissist forever shift the

blame the pass the back and they engage

in cognitive dissonance they pathologize

the other by projecting on onto him or

her frailties weaknesses

failures they Foster feelings of guilt

and shame in in their employees and

their subordinates and use this guilt

and shame to manipulate them they debase

and

humiliate uh their stuff in order to

preserve their own sense of

superiority they're pathological liar

they think nothing or of confabulating

or or pathologically telling lies

because it is because their very self is

false they are their own

confabulation so what can you do with a

narcisstic boss and employer number One

never disagree with the narcissist or

contradict him number two never offer

The Narcissist any intimacy number three

look old and inspired by whatever

attribute Matters To The Narcissist for

instance if he regards himself to be a

professional pretend that you are dump

struck that you are amazed by his

professional achievements if he

considered himself good-look comment on

repeatedly never remind The Narcissist

of Life out there of the routine and if

you do connect it somehow to his sense

of grandiosity you can agiz even

ordering office supplies the most

mundane thing conceivable you you can

say for instance these are the best art

material any workplace is going to have

or we get these office supplies

exclusively because of you and your

connections and so on agiz the

narcissist do not make any comment which

might directly or indirectly impin on

the narcissist self-image omnipotence

Superior judgment omnience skills

capabilities professional record or even

omnipresence bad sentences start with I

think you overlooked this and that I

believe you made a mistake here you

don't know that do you know that etc etc

or you were not here

yesterday you cannot you should not

these kind of sentences are interpreted

by The Narcissist as rude impositions

and they react very badly to these

injurious

restrictions and and hints at their lack

of omnipotence and lack of

omnition manage your narcissistic B

notice patterns in his bullying is he

more aggressive on Monday Monday

mornings is he more open to suggestions

on Friday afternoons is he imitable to

flattery can you modify his conduct by

appealing to his morality Superior

knowledge good manace good looks

cosmopolitanism or upbringing

manipulating the narcissist is your is

the only way you as an employee can

survive in such uh contaminated and

tainted workplace

I'm Sam ban and I'm the author of

malignant self- love narcissism

Revisited this is the first in a series

of 10 videos about how to survive a

relationship with a narcissist and how

to cope with a

psychopath first it's important to

understand that there is nothing special

about the body language or behavior

patters of abusers who are not

narcissists and Psychopaths not all

abusers suffer from a personality

disorder regrettably most victims find

themselves trapped long before they have

become aware of any meaningful warning

sign also important to remember is that

abuse is a multifaceted phenomenon it is

a poisonous cocktail of control freakery

conforming to Social and cultural norms

and it includes latent sadism the abuser

seeks to subjugate his victims but also

to look good and save face in front of

family and peers many abusers simply

enjoy inflicting pain on helpless

victims my advice to you is to disengage

detach terminate the relationship get as

far away as you can but assuming that

you want to stay on with your abuser

assuming that you want to maintain this

sick relationship Mal treatment can to

some extent be mitigated ameliorated and

even avoided

abusers react to the slightest

provocation real or imagined and they

react with disproportionate wrath and

rage and often violence it is important

therefore never to openly and repeatedly

disagree with your abuser or contradict

him if you do your abuser is bound to

walk away but only after he has vilified

and harmed you in every which way he can

abusers feel threatened by real sharing

and by Common decision- making so never

offer your abuser any intimacy it is a

sure way of turning him off and his

aggression on abusers perceive intimacy

or the offer of intimacy as a Prelude to

manipulation internally they have a

dialogue that says actually a monologue

that says what is she getting it what

does she really want what is a hidden

agenda abusers are to some extent

narcissistic they have narcissistic

traits

so admire and adore them openly but do

not lie to them or exaggerate this would

be perceived by them as coming and will

provoke your abuser to Feats of paranoia

and jealousy look Ed by whatever matters

to your abuser for instance by his

professional achievements or by his good

looks or even by his success with other

women but don't overdo it the abuser

tries to transform his personal space

into the exact opposite of his real life

at home he is the master of a fantasy of

perfection and Harmony and the

Undisputed recipient of adulation and

obeisance any reminder that in reality

his life is a drab dead end subject to

routine that he is a failure or a tyrant

or a swindler or a wannabe sometimes

hated by his own oppressed family any

such reminder is likely to be met with

unbridled hostility and

worse never remind your abuser of Life

out there and if you do connect it

somehow to his sense of grandiosity

reassure him of the permanence of your

obedient and self-sacrificial love to

him do not make any comment which might

directly or indirectly impinge on his

self-image on his omnipotence judgment

omniscience skills capabilities

professional record or even

omnipresence he wishes to be Godlike

treat him as such listen attentively to

his words and never disagree contradict

him or offer your point of view you are

there merely to witness the abusers

train of thought not to derail it with

reminders of your separate and

autonomous existence be saintly be

patient be accommodating and endlessly

giving with nothing in return never let

your energy be depleted never let your

guard down your abuser is likely to be

provoked to extremes by by signs of your

personal autonomy and Independence so

you should conceal your thoughts and

plans make novert choices and express no

preferences never mention your emotions

your needs your earnings your wages your

profits your trust

money tell him how much you rely on him

to reach the right decisions for both of

you play dumb but not too dumb or it may

Pro provoke his

suspicions it is a thin line between

pleasing the abuser and rendering in

rendering the abuser a raving

paranoid never give your abuser cause to

doubt or suspect you surrender all

control to him deny yourself access to

property and funds do not socialize drop

all your friends and hobbies quit your

job and your studies and confine

yourself to your Abode your abuser is

bound to be virulently jealous and

suspect illicitly zones between you and

the least likely persons your family

included

he is likely to ACC accuse you even of

incest he envies the attention you give

to others even to your common Children

Place him on a pedestal and make sure he

notices how you ignore spurn and neglect

everyone else to your abuser you're an

object no matter how ostensibly revered

and cherished one hence the

battering he monopolizes your time and

your mind as well as your body beating

up on you is his way of saying I possess

you you're mine he makes for you even

the minutest choices what to wear what

to cook for dinner where when and where

to go out and with whom in extreme cases

your abuser regards even your body as

his to share with others if he sees

fit it is an honorous existence

consistently tip toying on

eggshells neither is it invariably

successful the submissive posture delays

the more egregious manifestations of

abuse but cannot prevent them

altogether choosing to live with an

abuser is like opting to share a cage

with a predator or a nest with a snake

no matter how domesticated nature is

bound to Prevail you are more likely

than not to end up as the abusers next

meal bear that in mind remember my

advice the only way to treat an abuser

is not to treat him at all to disengage

to go away and this is the topic of our

video I'm sakin and I'm the author of

malignant self-love narcissism

Revisited this is the second in a series

of videos about how to cope with a

narcissist or a psychopath in an

intimate relationship be sure to watch

the previous video today we will discuss

what I call the conflict

posture contrary to its name the

conflictive posture is actually about

avoiding Conflict by minimizing contact

and by insisting on your boundaries it

is about refusal to accept abusive

Behavior by demanding from the abuser

reasonably predictable and rational

actions and reactions it is about

respect for you and for your

predilections emotions needs wishes and

priorities a healthy relationship

requires Justice

proportionality you should reject or

ignore unjust and capricious

Behavior conflicts are inevitable even

in the most loving and mature bonds but

the Rules of Engagement are different in

a in a Leone in a relationship which

involves abusive conduct there in such a

sick relationship you must react in kind

you must you must let your abuser have a

taste of some of his own

medicine abusers are predators they are

attuned to the subtlest emotional cues

of their prey you never show your abuser

that you're afraid or that you are less

than Resolute the willingness to

negotiate is perceived by the abuser as

a weakness violent offenders and Bullies

Are insatiable do not succumb to

Blackmail or to emotional extortion once

you start compromising you won't see the

end of it

the abuser creates a shared CIS in

French a f with his victim it is a

narrative it's a confabulation a story

an overwhelming feeling of the two of us

against the whole hostile world out

there well don't buy into it feel free

to threaten him with legal measures feel

free to disengage if things get rough or

to involve law enforcement officials

judges friends neighbors and colleagues

the abused feel ashamed they feel

somehow responsible guilty and

blameworthy for their own maltreatment

the abuser is adept at instilling these

erroneous Notions in his victims he

passes The Bu he makes them feel

responsible for whatever has happened he

says openly look what you made me

do so above all do not keep your abuse a

secret secrecy is the abuse of his

weapon so you should share your story

with friends colleagues neighbors social

workers judges the police the media the

courts your minister anyone who would

listen don't make excuses for him don't

try to understand him do not empathize

with him for he surely does not

empathize with you he has no mercy on

you you in return do not bother to have

misplaced pity on him never give him a

second chance react with your full

arsenal to the first transgression teach

him a lesson he is unlikely to forget

make him go elsewhere for his sadistic

Pursuits or to offload his

frustrations the abuser sometimes uses

third parties his family his peers in

order to torture and torment and taunt

you well often the abusers proxies his

long arms are unaware of their role you

should expose him to them you should

inform them demonstrate to them how they

are being abused misused and plain use

by your abuser trap your abuser treat

him as he treats you involve other

people bring it into the open there is

nothing like sunshine to disinfect

abuse there are a few techniques which

work wonders with abusers some

psychologists recommend to treat repeat

offenders as one wood toddlers the Abus

is indeed a kind of um immature breath

he's dangerous he is endowed with

Privileges and capabilities of an adult

but he is still an immature brat with

temper

Tums sometimes ignoring these temper

tantrums is a wise policy but not always

and actually not very often and actually

definitely not as a

role the next video we will discuss

specific techniques and strategies for

dealing with narcissist and

Psychopaths I'm sakn and I'm the author

of malignant self-love narcissism

Revisited this is the third video in a

series about coping strategies and

techniques with narcissists and

psychopaths in Intimate

Relationships be sure to watch the rest

of the series today we will out

techniques of coping with narcissistic

and Psychopathic

abuses not all these techniques apply to

all

abusers listen to the other watch the

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10 Ways to Defeat the Narcissist (Compilation)