YouTube Transcript:
10 Ways to Defeat the Narcissist (Compilation)

my name is s d and I'm the author of
malignant self-love narcissism
Revision in 1995 when I coined the
phrase narcissistic abuse I also came up
with two coping
strategies if you wanted to get rid of
your narcissist I suggested no
contact this strategy is tackled in
another video on my channel the the
other strategy I developed I dubbed
background
noise if you insist to stay with the
narcissist if you have no choice if you
have common children if there are
Financial complications if for some
reason there is no way for you to exit
the toxic remit and Charmed circle of
the narcissist then I suggested to adopt
a strategy called background noise
as background noise you ask the
narcissist no questions because if you
ask the narcissist a question it means
you doubt him it means you undermine his
authority it means that you may have
thought of something that he had omitted
to think of it means that potentially
you're more clever than him you see
things
differently these are all narcissistic
injury so ask the narcissist no
questions
second principle of background noise
never criticize The Narcissist never
disagree with the
narcissist the narcissist is always
right the narcissist is omnicient he
knows everything there is to know even
if he doesn't know
it the third principle of background
noise is
to confine your
responses to the content of the question
the query or the prompt by The
Narcissist first of all never initiate a
conversation only when
addressed
talk so when you are addressed by The
Narcissist when you ask you a question
or approach as a subject limit your
responses and reactions to the subject
matter raised by The Narcissist do not
expand the conversation do not introduce
new topics or new issues
do not initiate or Embark upon tangents
which The Narcissist didn't think
of always be there as an echo always
react never
proact
so if you look at these three principles
never ask questions never criticize and
disagree and never ever
expand the topic of conversation beyond
the limitations and boundaries set by
The Narcissist in his initial
address you see that background noise is
a very simple uh technique a very simple
strategy simply never
initiate never be
proactive always
react
always be
compliant or even to some extent this OB
Serv it always be an
echo
always record what the narcissist
says and then play it back to him when
he wants to hear it as most narcissists
would say had I wanted your opinion I
would have given it to
you my name is Sak and I'm the author of
malignant self-love narcissism
revisit all told there are three ways to
manipulate the
narcissist you can withhold narcissistic
Supply from him until he comes head in
hand begging for more and then you can
name your price and dictate the
terms a second technique is to
constitute yourself as a reliable source
of high grade supply and thereby Foster
in the narcissist dependence and
adherence to your minous needs and
wishes you would be amazed how attentive
The Narcissist can be to a good source
of narcissistic
Supply and then there's the third
technique to take active part in
buttressing and upholding The Narcissist
grandio fantasies to collude in a shared
psychosis with him and thus render him
amable to your wishes and priorities as
long as they seamlessly conform to his
delusional
narrative right the irony is that
narcissists who consider themselves
worldly Discerning knowledgeable shrewd
cunning iridite and astute well these
exact narcissists are actually more
gullible than the average person this is
because narcissists are fake their self
is false their life is a
confabulation their reality test is long
done narcissists live in a fantasy land
all their own in which they are the
center of the universe they are admired
feared held in awe and respected for
their omnipotence and
omns in short narcissists are prone to
magical thinking they hold themselves
immune to the consequences of their
actions or in action therefore they
consider themselves to be Beyond
punishment and the laws of man
narcissists are easily persuaded to
assume unreasonable risks and to expect
miracles to happen they often find
themselves on the receiving end of
investment scans for example again
because they are risk-prone
Reckless narcissists feel entitled
entitled to everything money power
honors even though these are
commensurate with their accomplishments
or
toil The World God the nation Society or
their families co-workers
employers even neighbors owe them a
trouble-free
exalted luxurious existence they are
rudely shocked when they are penalized
for their misconduct or when their
fantasies remain just that
fantasies the nist believes that he is
destined to Greatness or at least the
easy life he wakes up every morning
fully ready for a fortuitous Stroke of
Luck that explains the narcissist
Reckless behaviors and and his lazed
lack of
self-discipline it also explained why
the narcissist is so easily
duped by playing on the narcissist
grandiosity and paranoia it is possible
to deceive and manipulate at the
narcissist
effortlessly just offer The Narcissist
narcissistic Supply admiration
affirmation agulation and he is all
yours hard on the narcissist
insecurities and on his persecutory
delusions and is likely to trust only
you and cling only to you for their life
both paranoia and grandiosity impair The
Narcissist reality test and engender
cognitive deficits paranoia and
grandiosity lead to the erection of
complex and wasteful defenses against
usually non-existent threats and
enemies narcissists attract abuse they
are hay exploitative demanding
insensitive and
quarrelsome narcissist tend to draw
orium and provoke anger and even hatred
solely lacking in interpers
skills devoid of empathy and steeped in
irksome grandio fantasies narcissists
invariably fail to mitigate the
irritation and Revolt that they induce
in
others successful narcissists are
frequently targeted by stalkers and
erotomania usually mentally ill people
who develop a fixation of a sexual or
emotional nature on the narcissist when
inevitably rebuffed by The Narcissist
these people become vindictive and in
rare cases even
violent less prominent narcissist less
successful ones end up sharing life with
codependence and with inverted
narcissist The Narcissist situation is
exacerbated by the fact that often The
Narcissist himself is an abuser like the
boy who cried wolf people do not believe
that the perpetrator of egregious Deeds
can himself fall prey to maltreatment
people tend to to ignore and discard The
Narcissist cries for H they disbelieve
his
protestations they assume that he is
guilty until proven innocent not the
other way
around so how does an narcissis react
when he finds himself on the receiving
end of abuse well like all other
victims he is traumatized he goes
through the phases of denial
helplessness rage depression and finally
acceptance but the narcissist reactions
are Amplified by his shattered sense of
omnipotence abuse breeds humiliation and
humiliation breeds helplessness and to
The Narcissist helplessness is's a novel
experience hither to he considered
himself all powerful Godlike abuse
reminds him that he is also to human and
sometimes less than human
the narcissistic defense mechanisms and
their behavioral manifestations diffuse
rage idealization and evaluation
exploitation these defense mechanisms
are useless when confronted with a
determin vindictive or delusional
stalker that the narcissist is flat is
flattered by the attention that he
receives from the abuser or the stalker
renders him even more vulnerable to the
forers man
ation nor can the narcissist come to
terms with his need for help he cannot
acknowledge that wrongful behavior on
his part may have contributed and
precipitated somehow the
situation The Narcissist self-image is
infallible Mighty all knowing this
self-image as him as him being far
superior to others this exact self-image
won't let him admit to any shortfalls
any mistakes any needs even need for
advice or for
help narcissist consider considers
himself self-contained
self-sufficient as the abuse progresses
The Narcissist feels increasingly
cornered his conflicting emotional needs
to preserve the Integrity of his grandio
false self even as he seeks much needed
support well this these conflicting
needs place an unbearable strain on the
precarious balance of his immature and
disorganized
personality the compensation is the
disintegration of the narcissist defense
mechanisms it leads to acting out temper
tantrums outbursts loss of control and
if the abuse is protracted it leads to
withdrawal and even in extreme cases to
psychotic micro
epodes abusive acts in themselves are
rarely dangerous not so the reactions to
abuse above all the overwhelming sense
of violation and
humiliation so
narcissists are actually classic victims
of abuse in many cases yet it does not
provoke in them self-awareness let alone
remorse or or empathy of which they are
largely
incapable it is wasted on them yes even
abuse is wasted on the
narcissist and now I'm inviting you to a
tour of the narcissist mind as we tour
The Narcissist mind you will understand
why each of these techniques is working
so this is actually the second part of
the lecture is to explain to you why
these techniques are working and to
allow you with this deeper understanding
to use these techniques more uh
effectively the reason the narcissist is
very
effective at manipulating you
controlling you and inducing in you
emotions and moods is because exactly
like you the narcissist is a victim
narcissist narcissism is a posttraumatic
condition The Narcissist has been the
victim usually of his
parents as a victim The Narcissist chose
a specific a highly specific solution
but the fact that the narcissist chose a
specific solution does not mean that the
narcissist is not a victim he is as much
a victim as you are the reason the
narcissist victimizes you is that he
wants
company as long as you are not
victimized you are alien to The
Narcissist narcissist wants to feel at
home among his own kind he wants to be
among victims because he's a victim so
he converts and transforms everyone
everyone around him into a victim simply
to feel at home and of course the the
clinical concept is Comfort Zone The
Narcissist comfort zone is among victims
The Narcissist will victimize you never
mind what you do never mind what you do
not do never mind how often you do or do
not do what you do or do not do never
mind if you are cuz you don't even have
to be for the narcissist to victimize
you and here's the worst part when the
narcissist converts you to an image of
himself he's doing you a favor because
he is superior he is Godlike he is
bringing you up to his level what does
it say in Genesis the first chapter of
Genesis in the Bible God created men in
his own image The Narcissist creates you
in his own image he is furious at your
lack of gratitude here is investing in
inferior you he's very close to God
sometimes they change places and here he
is having chosen
you having selected you he could have
chosen anyone but he chose you and here
he is molding you shaping you like
pigmon and galala and how do you react
you're unhappy you claim to be abused
and victimized you're too stupid to
realize the enormous gift you are
receiving you must understand this the
narcissist is very angry at you all the
time either because you are too
to appreciate his gifts which is usually
the case
or if you are intelligent you are too
ungrateful The Narcissist partner is a
in a binary State WR out or
ungrateful and usually ungrateful WR
out and so the
narcissist says to himself
to mold my partner I must resort to
extreme and radical measures Americans
call it tough love they tried it in Iraq
this is tough love it's for your own
good you will thank me one day if you
survive but there is a
problem
and now I'm going to take you into
the soul the psyche and the mind of the
[Music]
narcissist there was a sociologist by
the name of
giddens and in the 1990s giddens came
with a concept called ontological in
insecurity ontological insecurity the
narcissist is in a state of ontological
insecurity what is ontological
insecurity it's when you don't feel
continuous when you don't feel the that
your
yesterday or your today is a
continuation of yesterday and your
tomorrow will be continuation of today
obviously if there is no continuity it
is impossible to develop an
identity the narcissist is possibly the
only form of human who has no core no
identity no
Kel in 1995 I proposed that narcis
narcissism
is a form of multiple personality
disorder because the narcissist has two
selves true self which is a traumatized
very very young child who is paralyzed
by fear and hurt so this child is
dysfunctional and has no effect on the
psychodynamics of the narcissist and
there is the false self which is Godlike
we'll come to it a bit later so two s
yes true and false technically it's
multiple personality disorder because
it's a person with two personalities but
I I was wrong it's the second time I
admit I admit something today I don't
know what's happening to me I was I was
wrong because in multiple personality
known today as dissociative identity
disorder in dissociative identity
disorder there is
continuity the person with multiple
personalities has many personalities
but each of these
personalities has Perfect Memory and
perfect identity and each of these
personalities has total continuity so if
someone with multiple personality has
six personalities and one of these
personalities is Sam the Sam comes out
talks talks to the therapist and
then four months later Sam comes out
again Sam will remember the conversation
with the therapist the six personalities
have total continuity total memory total
identity not the
narcissist narcissists
forget or have no access to almost
80%
80% at least according to my studies
80% of their memories
every
minute you are confronted with a new
person new narcissist which has nothing
to do with a person a minute before
narcissist
suffer narcissist suffer from something
called dissociation
dissociation is breaks in memory missing
time so the narcissist
misses seconds milliseconds micros
seconds but misses all the time he
dissociates he dissociates all the time
he is not
continuous how to live like that what
the narcissist does is called in
clinical terms
confabulation The Narcissist The
Narcissist invents stories to cover the
missing parts The Narcissist says to
himself I remember picking the golf club
and I remember the ball going to the to
the
but I don't remember anything in between
so let's see probably probably it's
logical that I hit the ball with the
golf club probably it's logical it makes
sense it's plausible but I do not
remember it and this is called
confabulation very often The Narcissist
gets the confabulation wrong so people
think he's lying oh God lighting he is
not he's confabulating here's your
problem as victims or Partners the
narcissist is is like the river of
heraclitus you know pant you cannot
enter the same river twice you cannot
talk to the same narcissist twice you do
not have a relationship with the same
person you do not communicate with the
same human being not only there is no
one there there's nobody there but the
empty itself is fragmented and fractured
to Pieces it's like an empty beautiful
empty palace with no inhabitants and the
walls themselves are cracked and falling
down partners of
narcissist cannot digest this there are
two things that victims of narcissist
cannot accept and cannot digest one The
Narcissist does not exist there is
nobody home there is no
person
there I
mean probably many of you know that I'm
a narcissist yes I've been diagnosed
with narcissistic personality disorder
twice over 15 years it's pretty safe I'm
one so you look at me here I am joking
talking drinking coffee drinking water
smiling at
Barbara what am I missing some of you
may think that I'm reasonably okay
looking those with my Opia
so it is impossible impossible for you
to to
grasp that there is nobody here behind
this lecton trust me on this there is
nobody here you're experiencing Mass
delusion we will come to it this
phenomenon is known as The Uncanny
Valley the second thing the second thing
that victims or intimate partners of
narcissist find difficult to accept that
to The Narcissist they are not special
they are Commodities as interchangeable
as grains of rice the
narcissist is with you married to you
has children with you had had
experiences with you told you that he
loves you a million times how many times
you made love he cried intimacy the
minute you stop functioning he replaces
you because you are a commodity The
Narcissist loves his wife and he also
loves rice and very often he cannot tell
the
difference victims find it
shattering because their individuality
is
challenged so this is the first thing
ontological insecurity dissociation
confabulation nobody home no one there
sorry before I go to the second thing
so stop communicating so hard you cannot
negotiate with a non- entity you your
agreements mean nothing because no one
signed them you are talking to him you
are talking to yourself it's a ghost
less than a ghost it's a it's a
pretension it's a it's a piece of
fiction the false self is a piece of
fiction it's a bad movie it's a
script why do I resemble a human being
so well how do I give this how do I give
this almost perfect rendition of a human
being I observed many of you for a long
time time I have 190 IQ I used it you
not complex you have very basic life
forms you're easy to manipulate because
you have three or four basic modes your
user manual is pretty
rudimentary so you know it's not too
difficult to deceive you into believing
that I'm human it helps that I'm made of
carbon like the next generation of
artificial intelligence when the fin
Androids hit the earth they will be made
of carbon they will have Superior
cognitive skills I I hope there there
will be more handsome than me but they
will be me I am
it I am this thing I am in many respects
your future I think this is the horror
at the core of narcissism this is why
narcissism had become a global
phenomenon from Nepal to Australia and
from Egypt to to Canada there is a
Universal resonance because I think
you
recognize that this life form
narcissist probably is the future I
didn't say that uh Japanese roboticist
said it in 1970
masahi um said as that when robots
become indistinguishable from people
people will become very
frightened phobic and anxious and he
called it uncanny valley everyone feels
uncomfortable around the narcissist we
have proved it in studies people don't
know that they are with narcissist in
the same room and they will react with
extreme anxiety and discomfort why me
they feel that something is missing
something is off key something is
imitated not real something is fake I'm
telling you all these things
for you to
accept that it is not
possible to have a meaningful emotional
life with the narcissist and no amount
of manipulation will change
this the next thing you need to
understand about a narcissist is that
narcissists like other like people with
other mental health problems they are
capable capable of what we call
paradoxical
thinking um
the first person to describe paradoxical
thinking first psychologist was baton he
called it double bind and then Lang l l
was a famous L was a famous British
psychotherapist Audi Ling and he called
it the incomplete not not paradoxical
thinking is simply the
ability to have at the same time
contradictory thoughts and contradictory
beliefs you can't do that you cannot
think at the same time wow this guy is
evil and this guy is wonderful you
cannot think at the same time I believe
the world is good and the world is is
horrible you cannot have conflicting
cognitions and conflicting values and
beliefs this creates in you something
called dissonance and you solve the
dissonance by getting rid of one of the
horns one of the sides one of the
thoughts not so the narcissist
narcissist can at the same time at the
same moment have conflicting thoughts
contradictory thoughts contradictory
emotions contradictory values and
contradictory
beliefs so who are you talking to when
you communicate with the narcissist and
when you manipulate the narcissist who
are you
manipulating he can say at 3:00 in the
afternoon
Barbara is wonderful and at
3:15 Barbara sucks he changes his views
his commitments his promises his
contracts his Everything Changes
constantly and dramatically
because he has paradoxical thinking why
does he have paradoxical thinking
because he doesn't exist the essence of
existence is the
stability of cognitions values and so on
and these These are knowns as
shemas schemes so everyone has shemas
amalgams collections collections of
emotions cognitions beliefs values and
they are stable and they're solid under
stress they can break down but still
normally they're very stable it makes
all of you more or less predictable
reliable and of course it allows Society
to function narcissists and Psychopaths
by the way have not have none of this
they go with the flow and they react to
internal
Dynamics by changing themselves so
completely that they are utterly new it
is utterly
disorienting it's like shapes shifting
you know in science fiction movies shape
shifting it's Chima
chimerical it's and it's very very
disorienting and sometimes frightening
and always infuriating intimate partners
and victims of is
spend huge amounts of time trying to
nail down the jelly but yesterday you
said this but uh but you promised this
but didn't we
agree total waste of
time the third thing you need to know
about narcissist The Narcissist starts
as a reflection it's the only human
being that starts its conscious
existence
as a reflection The Narcissist
constructs his sense of self the false
self by reflecting himself from other
people healthy people healthy people
have a stable core they get input from
other people and they reject most of it
and they reject most of this input for
good reason this stability of the
core remains for Life regulation of
sense of selfworth reg regulation of
moods regulation of emotions it all
comes from inside if you find yourself
on a lonely alone on an island nothing
will happen to you as far as your sense
of self even alone on an island you
would still feel that you are you not so
the narcissist the narcissist is the
totality of the
reflections of other people The
Narcissist mind is like a hive of bees
your mind is like a surface
uninterrupted surface everything fits in
what doesn't fit in you discard after 20
years 30 years you are absolutely smooth
and seamless The Narcissist mind is like
a hive of bees with hexagons millions of
hexagons and to each hexagon The
Narcissist
collects his reflection in her eye eyes
in her eyes in his eyes in his eyes in
her eyes collects collects millions of
Reflections and then processes these
Reflections puts them in the
hexagons and what happens when there are
no Reflections narcissist feels when he
is not surrounded by people who reflect
him the narcissist feels that he does
not exist you remember the technique of
withholding this is connected to this if
you withhold you don't reflect if you
don't reflect you threaten the
narcissist ex very existence in the
relationship with a
narcissist you have 100% of the power
The Narcissist has zero The Genius of
the
narcissist is to convince you that he
has 100% of the power n and you have
zero The Narcissist does have empathy
it's called cold empathy cold empathy is
empathy but with without emotions it's
goal
oriented so if I see someone crying I
would
recognize that she is
sad I would recognize this she is sad so
I do have empathy I have cognitive
empathy yes but you will say wow she
said I remember being said it's a bad
feeling can I do something for her
emotional res resonance she said I
remember being
sad it's a bad feeling I want to help
the narcissist says or the psychopath
she is
sad I know what it means to be sad not
from personal experience but I know I
read in books I observed I know what it
means to be said
cognitively now if I play my cards right
probably at the end of the night I can
have sex with her because she is broken
she's
vulnerable her defenses are down it's an
opportunity called
empathy is empathy used to find your
vulnerabilities and then use these
vulnerabilities to obtain goals
narcissistic Supply sex money power
contacts whatever so never never ever
show The
Narcissist any emotion starve starve the
narcissist called empathy of information
do not provide information to the
narcissist called empathy you want to
cry there's always the toilet you're
happy keep it to yourself it's like the
Miranda
warning any emotion you show can and
will be used against
you and this is called empathy
similarly never ever offer The
Narcissist help or advice it's extremely
difficult many of you love The
Narcissist it's a different lecture
what's wrong with
you but many of you do and when you love
someone I heard you want you want to
help you want to prevent bad happen
things from happening to that person you
want to guide the person in the right
direction if you know the right
direction or you just want to hold hold
the person these are critical mistakes
with the narcis I repeat never ever
offer help advice guidance or holding
for two reasons one The Narcissist will
interpret your behavior as weakness as
vulnerability something he can leverage
something he can use to optain goals in
the future will begin to fake the need
for help second thing
if you offer The Narcissist help and
advice he will think that you are
humiliating him it's narcissistic injury
The Narcissist doesn't need help from
you narcissist doesn't need help from
anyone he's above help he's omnipotent
he's all
powerful naist doesn't need advice from
you he's omniscient he knows everything
a narcissist will drive his car for 6
hours before his wife will ask someone
one for help because they cannot find
the place if you're offering the
narcissist advice or help you are
telling you are saying to The Narcissist
you are in need of advice and help I
have something you don't have for
example I have information you don't
have narcist will react very badly to
this will never forgive you for offering
help and advice you well know by now
it's something that I described in in
the mid90s is a cycle of idealization
devaluation discard and
replacement there is a technique the
there is a
technique uh that makes use of this
cycle The Narcissist first idealizes
you then the narcissist devalues you
then the narcissist discards you and
then the narcissist replaces you with
someone else to manipulate the narcissis
you reverse the cycle reverse it
remember idealize the value discard
replace the
technique is
replace replace discard devalue
idealize replace the narcissist with
someone visibly
triangulate then discard him not only
triangulate with someone but also
discard the narcissis as you discard him
devalue
him I don't know you're not a man
example and
finally idealize him that's it he's
yours so it's reverse of the
cycle simply reverse the cycle now many
many women came to this Behavior
intuitively the maximum effect Maximum
Impact if it is all done in one sitting
in one
situation happened to me recently
the next thing you you should know about
the so as you see I'm describing the
world of the narcissist and from each
aspect of the narcissist personality I'm
giving you some technique or some
approach that might work the narcissist
is a victim of abuse that's why he
became a narcissist as a child The
Narcissist was terrified of pain of hurt
of unpredictability sorry so he created
the false
self naris don't have
relationships they have power plays it's
all about power all of it is
establishing a balance of Terror a
matrix of power The Narcissist from the
very beginning after the love bombing
phase by the way the love bombing phase
is not telling
you it's not about telling you that the
narcissist needs you or it's about
telling you how unique you are the
narcissist is trying in the love bombing
phase to convert you into narcissist to
taste how it feels to get narcissistic
Supply so the love bombing phase is
simply to give you the taste of this
drug so that you become junkies as well
but the minute The Narcissist acquires
you the minute The Narcissist Hoovers
you the minute you belong to the
narcissist in his mind
The Narcissist message to you is I don't
need you there is nothing you have that
I want or that I need or that I cannot
get anywhere else don't think you have
any power over me because you don't you
do not have power over me and I can dump
you tomorrow and find someone else in
minutes this is precisely the essence of
relationships with narcissist in the
first phase The Narcissist tells you how
special you are in the second phase The
Narcissist tell you tells you how not
special you are you're
amazing you're
unique you are the love of my life I
never had this this experience with
anyone I never felt so deeply you know
what I never felt at all you are the
first and only the things you do to
me
and this is the love bombing phase and
makes you feel very very unique one in
the world there's only one you you can
offer nothing I need and what you offer
I don't need if I'm a cerebral
narcissist I'm above sex sex is foret
out if I'm any kind of narcissist I'm
above emotions love is for stupid people
weak people and if it's not you then
someone else you should be honored and
grateful that I've introduced you into
my exciting adventurous life it is this
pendulum of conflicting
messages that totally unsettles and
destabilize the victim The Narcissist
fully expects to lose you he already
behaves as though he had lost you you're
always temporary even if you're 30 years
together you're still temporary narcist
have something called anticipatory loss
anxiety from very early age narcissist
have something called object in
constancy or object
impermanence again for those of you who
are in Psychology object in object
impermanence is a term coined by Jean P
child psychologist in the late 60s an
object in constancy is a term coined by
Margaret
Mara another child another she was not
psychologist actually she was a doctor
but expert on child psychology you
know when a baby at a very early age
before the first year of Life between 5
months and in one year when mother
leaves the room the baby starts to cry
because out of sight out of existence if
the baby doesn't see mother mother stops
to
exist gradually the child creates a
representation of mother inside his mind
when mother is in the room the child
interacts with mother when mother is
outside the room the child's in the
child interacts with the representation
of mother this representation is known
as IMO
so with a
narcissist there there is a problem at
this phase and what happens is the
narcissist interacts only with the
representation can you think why why
would the narcissist prefer to interact
with the representation and not with you
I gave you the clue I gave you the
answer actually
if I am afraid to lose
you I would prefer to interact not with
you but with your
representation you can always walk away
out of my life I don't control what you
do and what you may do but I have full
control over the representation inside
my mind so the minute The Narcissist
sees you and decides that you are
potentially a good source
Supply a shocking process takes place
and you're not even aware of it the
narcissist snapshots you takes a
snapshot with his mental
camera he meets
someone he thinks she can supply provide
Supply at that second he takes a
snapshot from that
second I want you to understand this
it's extremely difficult to believe I
know from that second
all the time the narcissist interacts
never ever with you always with a
snapshot in a minute you will understand
why the narcissist has
has at some point to devalue you
although in many cases the cycle repeats
itself many times but a such a cycle
must exist
The Narcissist has you and a
snapshot but you are not the
snapshot you have your own life you
develop you study you travel you have
lovers maybe don't tell anyone I mean
things happen to you you initiate things
you are in other words Dynamic the
snapshot is static you start you start
from the same position overlapping and
then what happens you move away snapshot
is here and you're
here but the narcissist is emotionally
invested in the
snapshot controls the snapshot talks to
the
snapshot
so you gradually become less and less
relevant as you diverge from the
snapshot at some
point you become a threat the
differences between you and the snapshot
are so
enormous that even the narcissist cannot
deceive himself that the snapshot is
accurate at some
point you challenge the
snapshot you all know that point you've
all gone through it because the
narcissist starts saying things like you
have changed a lot you're not the same
woman I fell in love with what's
happening to you you need help you're
through a crisis he is
describing the G the Gap the abyss that
is opening between you and the snapshot
at that
point he must get rid of you must get
rid of you because the snapshot matters
to him much more than you he's
protecting the snapshot he has zero
tolerance for abandonment zero tolerance
for loss because he is a baby it's a
baby baby with no object constancy so he
gets rid of you how to get rid of You by
devaluing you how how to justify to
himself that he idealized you yesterday
and is devaluing you today what he made
a mistake when he idealized you was he
mistaken no way narcissist is never
mistaken you changed you are not the
same person the person he's devaluing is
not the person that he idealized so this
mechanism
which is technically known as
introjection this mechanism explains the
the Cycles what is the technique so
everything I'm telling you there is a
technique the technique is to animate
the snapshot remember the narcissist has
in his mind a representation of you as
you used to be let's say when you met so
you have two options to go back to that
time and become who you used to be to
give up on your personal progress and
development you will be shocked how many
partners do exactly this they started to
study in the University they stop they
are successful in business they close
the business ET is to they unwind the
changes that's one technique the second
technique is what we call brinkmanship
it's it's to animate the snapshot to
extreme that means to challenge the
snapshot to provide the narcissist with
a new snapshot but how can you do that
you already has a snapshot of You by not
being you you must change so radically
and
dramatically that the narcissist will
have the feeling that he had just met a
new partner change everything from
hairstyle to clothing to lovers to I
mean behave totally differently
different priorities different
everything and the narcissist will say
wow I'm falling in love with you again
you're so different I've had couples
restart sex after 15 years I've I've had
divorced couples who went back to living
together with this technique next thing
you should
know
narcissism narcissism feels to The
Narcissist like religion feels to an
extreme American
fundamentalist or a member of Isis
narcissists
are religious fanatics they are members
of a very special religion this religion
has one God and one worshipper and it's
the only religion in the world where the
God is the
worshipper
but the inner
experience the emotional correlate the
cognitive aspects are utterly identical
to a religious experience let us try to
understand why it's it's my favorite
topic so I don't care if you're not
interested to live with a narcissist to
be with a narcissist is to be member of
a cult the narcissist is the leader of
the cult and you are the
member the narcissism religion is
missionary Christianity sent
missionaries in the 19th century to
Africa to convert the natives the
natives were happy some of the
missionaries were tasty
but exactly like Christianity sent
missionaries to Africa to convert the
natives exactly in the same way the
narcissist is trying to convert you to
his religion what is narcissistic Supply
it's to worship The Narcissist when the
narcissist is asking you to give him
Supply he is asking you to worship His
God
him so there is a very interesting
branch new
branch of teaching the victims to cope
with
narcissist the same way we cope with
religious
fundamentalists I'm kidding you not when
you meet a fanatic Muslim or a fanatic
Jew or a fanatic Christian instinctively
you know what not to say yes you will
not mock Muhammad unless you are
Danish you will not you will not attack
God in the presence of a fundamentalist
Christian uh Jesus you will not attack
Jesus in the presence of fundamentalist
Christian so you know intuitively
instinctively no one taught you no one
told you but you know what not to do you
know what not to say and if you are
inside the church or inside the mosque
or inside the synagogue you definitely
know that some things are never done
some things are never said well when you
live with a narcissist you're living
with a religious
fundamentalist some things you never do
and some things you never say you never
challenge the god of the narcissist
which happens to be the narcissist you
never challenge the attributes of that
God God is all knowing god is all
powerful God is god is perfect God is
brilliant you don't challenge this it's
bad it's bad taste it's impolite to tell
me that I'm not God it also means you're
delusional I am God but still it's a
church so
seriously if you begin to look at
narcissism as a religion and understand
that you are living with that religion's
extreme
fundamentalist you will automatically
instinctively intuitively know what to
do and how to behave
how does narcissism become a religion
why does it have religious aspects very
briefly the child is uh abused by his
parents mostly his mother but not only
by his
parents now this abuse is many
forms it can be classic sexual abuse
sexual physical abuse psychological
abuse but abuse is any
situation where the child is not allowed
to separate from the parent and become
an individual when the parent does not
allow the child to develop his his or
her own
boundaries a healthy child with a
healthy parent the child stops here the
parent starts here there's a boundary
between them in the case of a
narcissistic parent
usually the child is not allowed to
build Donald Trump's border War the
child is not
allowed to make a distinction between
herself or himself and the parent so you
know the mother who always wanted to be
an actress and she failed and she forces
her daughter to become an actress that's
abuse you know the mother who spoils the
child and tells him that he can never do
anything wrong it's abuse it's abused
because it doesn't allow the child to
conflict with the environment thereby
creating a boundary so there are many
many forms of abuse how does a child
react to this he creates an imaginary
friend a piece of fiction the false self
the false self is everything that the
child is
not the child is small false self is
infinite the child cannot
guess what the parent will do next the
parent is unpredictable the false self
knows everything is omnicient the child
child is helpless the false self is all
powerful the child is receiving
conditional love if you do this and this
I will love you so there are the child
knows that if he fails he is a bad
object he will not be loved he is
unworthy the false self is perfect the
false self is everything the child is
not but look at the list look at the
list of the false self perfect knows
everything
um all powerful
brilliant there are only two entities in
the world which have this description
one is Donald Trump and one is God and
Donald Trump has orange air so God is
left so seriously the child's child
actually
invents God and creates the child
creates a private religion this God the
false self
protects him from the parent absorbs the
pain and the hurt isolates the child
like a firewall the false self is a
child's God but you know it's a very
primitive God it's the god of the Old
Testament and like the god of the Old
Testament who asked Abraham to sacrifice
Isaac the false self asks the child to
sacrifice something the false self is a
God and once's Human
Sacrifice but what human sacrifice what
can the child sacrifice who can the
child sacrifice
himself only himself that's precisely
what the child does he sacrifices
himself to this new God the false self
he sacrifices his true
self to the false self he worship he
worships the false self but the false
self is a very greedy and hungry God and
like the molok one human sacrifice is
not enough this God demands additional
human sacrifices and this is where I'm
happy to say you come in you are these
additional human sacrifices The
Narcissist has to sacrifice you to the
false self and this is precisely why in
1995 I coined the phrase narcissistic
abuse why did I need to say narcissistic
abuse why not abuse because narcissistic
abuse is total The Narcissist only way
to sacrifice you to the false self is to
eliminate your separate existence he
must The Narcissist must annihilate you
the narcissist abuse is not functional
or
instrumental it's existential you must
die so that the false self is gratified
and
satisfied because if the fal self is not
satisfied and not gratified The
Narcissist will not exist so ladies and
ladies when you team up with a
narcissist it's either him or
you it's a war to death one of you one
of you must die at least psychologically
indeed victims and intimate partners of
narcissist describe a feeling of inner
death it's very interesting because
there was a scholar by the name of Oto
kernberg in
1975 kernberg invented the diagnosis of
borderline personality disorder when we
observe victims of narcissist from the
outside we cannot tell if they are
victims of narcissist or if they are
patients with borderline personality
disorder this void
this inner inner death is common to
victims of complex PTSD and to patients
with borderline personality disorder and
it leads to libility
ups and downs and to emotional
disregulation which is subject for
another
lecture four brief points and then I
will open the floor to two questions
Point number
one The Narcissist has an external law
Fus of control in other words The
Narcissist ironically believes that his
life is determined from the outside
consequently The Narcissist blames
everything on the outside and this is
known as alloplastic defense so this is
the sequence my life is determined from
outside so I'm not responsible it's not
by fault not guilty they did it he did
it she did
it not me so locus of control is
defense is alloplastic this is very
interesting for you because if you are
willing to play a kind of dangerous game
you can become the narcissist locus of
control but you have to be very sharp
astute and know what you're doing first
of all you must allow the narcissist to
blame you for everything allow encourage
it to blame you for everything so you
come to n it's my fault I made a mistake
it was wrong I shouldn't have done it oh
poor you you're are suffering because of
me etc etc etc etc this has two
beneficial effects if you say it the
narcissist doesn't have to say it it
reduces the abuse but much more
importantly gradually The Narcissist out
of convenience will begin to regard you
as the locus of control as the external
locus of control and and he will become
extremely codependent on you it's
totally counterintuitive technique but
it works narcissist will say to himself
everything that's bad
is her
fault probably everything that's good is
her fault probably everything is her
fault probably she controls everything
it's a kind of a conspiracy theory he
will develop a kind of conspiracy theory
don't forget the narcis narcissism is a
religion and you can apply for the job
of
God all you need is a Long White
Beard okay next Point magical thinking
one of the reasons not therapy works
with narcissist all therapist fail with
narcissist possibly the reason the major
reason is the therapist insist to treat
narcissist as adults they strike an
alliance with the narcissist they they
negotiate with the narcissist they argue
with the narcissist they rason with the
narcissist they ask the narcissist to
promise things the narcissist is not an
adult there is no narcissist alive whose
mental age well alive dead ones may
maybe but narc there's no narcist alive
whose mental age is higher than let's
say
11 so it's a mistake to treat narcissist
as
adults my new therapy C therapy is built
on this
insight and it all the techniques in C
therapy are based on child psychology
but one of the things that children have
is called magical thinking because
children have magical thinking the
narcissist has magical thinking magical
thinking is the belief that internal
processes affect reality so you know the
famous phenomenon that children blame
themselves for bad things that are
happening to the parents that's magical
thinking or children Expect Miracles or
believe in fairy tales or have imaginary
friends these are all forms of magical
thinking and of course false self is a
major feet of magical thinking but if
you take magical thinking and add to it
grandiosity Godlike I'm Godlike and add
to it immunity because I'm God no one
can touch me if you mix this you get a
very explosive mixture because of this
mixture The Narcissist for example is
reckless is takes risks crazy risks
Because he believes in magic he's immune
no no one and nothing can touch him
there are no consequences to his actions
he's God God can do anything no so he's
Reckless so you risk taker and he is
GB gble stupid believes everyone and
everything easy to deceive to cheat and
to con no there is no one more stupid
than the person who thinks he is not
that's another Jew by the name of
Socrates who said it so the narcissist
believes that he knows everything
cannot learn anything and no one can be
more clever than him and this is the
dream dream client of a con artist you
can make use of this you can make use of
this if you want the narcissist to do
something you convince him that it was
his
idea everything comes from him you you
want to put an idea in his head you ask
for his advice even if he's totally
unqualified
you you push him to perform Miracles you
say that you expect him to to do this
because he can do anything it's very
easy to manipulate the narcissist using
his grandiosity magical thinking and
belief that he is immune to the
consequences of his actions and you use
the narcissist entitlement you tell the
narcissist you deserve this you want him
to take risks you want him to leave you
alone all you have to say for example
you deserve someone much better than me
true The Narcissist will say I really
do or you deserve the easy life you
shouldn't work so hard or your luck will
you're very lucky your luck will carry
you through I mean it's extremely easy
just be creative the reason I'm giving
you a two two and something hour lecture
is because Barbara paid me a lot of
money but if Barbara hadn't paid me a
lot of money the lecture would have been
extremely short and would have contained
a single sentence manage your narcissist
as you manage your 4-year-old end of
story you saw how much money you could
have saved that's a narcissist for you
you can never trust last point and we
last point and I I will open to I will
open to questions one thing people
including by the way the vast majority
of
professionals including the leading
experts on paranoia what they don't
appreciate is that paranoia is a form of
narcissism there are two critical
elements in
paranoia without which you cannot be
paranoid Point number one I am the
center of attention someone is paying me
attention and I am sufficiently
important for someone to to want to harm
me take away these two elements and
there's no paranoia but what isano what
is I'm the center of
attention grandiosity it's a form of
narcissistic Supply and what is and what
is he wants to harm me the CIA is after
me what is this it means I'm very
important I can be important to the CIA
if I'm an not case or I can be important
to my neighbor but it doesn't matter I
am important my neighbor is sitting at
night obsessed thinking how to kill my
dog you know I'm the center of my
neighbor's Universe the focus of his
thoughts this is classic grandio
narcissism a CL absolutely no wonder
most narcissist are paranoid it's just
the other way that's not been recognized
that most paranoids are actually
narcissist now persecutory delusions
this paranoia technically is called
persecutory delusion because it's a
delusion of
persecution persecutory delusion lead to
a behavior called hypervigilance
hypervigilance is when I scan the
room and I say I'm giving the most
important lecture of this new century
and this guy is blowing his nose
that's an
insult he's humiliating me he better I'm
just giving this as an example so a
classic narcissist might think like this
he's scanning scanning for disrespect
insults attacks you know so for example
you tell me good morning tell me good
morning tell me good
evening no tell me good evening let's be
realistic good evening good evening why
do you think I don't know it's evening
you think I'm stupid I need you to tell
me it's
evening this is a hypervigilant reaction
and it's very often utterly ridiculous
as in this example good evening this guy
thinks I'm I'm too stupid to notice this
evening can't believe some people I mean
horrible so this is paranoia persecutory
delusions and hypervigilance you can
make use of it you can make use of it by
enhancing and not not ameliorating not
reducing but enhancing The Narcissist
persecutory delusions and hypervigilance
in various ways so for example you
remember the technique of deflection
decoy where both of you hate the
Mother-in-law so you can use this common
enemy to
enhance the paranoia and to enhance the
hypervigilance what for the higher the
paranoia the more the
hypervigilance the more the narcissist
will need
you as an ally it will create what we
call in French
fad so both of you will be in this
paranoid persecutory delusion and you
will feed it and he will get the naris
will get closer and closer to
you this is very common in communities
for example like the militias the
militias in paramilitary militias in the
United States in the Appalachian
Mountains and so on it's common in some
terrorist organizations for example we
have psychological studies of the Carlos
terrorist organization in the' 70s and B
mhof and the red guards in in Italy the
and in all these there were women and
men in cells and they had this Dynamic
going so there there are studies in
Germany B
mhof some some of the leaders were
women and
uh they use these techniques exactly to
control highly narcissistic men same
same in the Manson family so this is the
technique I recommend if your narcissist
is a serial killer or
terrorist and if not and you use this
technique he will end up as
one okay guys what's left of you uh I'm
open to questions
narcissists use two strategies two
behavioral
patterns in order to manipulate people
to do their
bidding they either please
people cater to their needs act as best
friends loving compassionate empathic
it's all of course a fake fainted
simulation but it's
still people pleasing Behavior
emulates real people Pleasers or they
terrorize people today we're going to
focus on people pleasing now just to
make clear the majority of people
Pleasers are not narcissists they are
not and yet all people pleases
narcissist or not are easy to
manipulate it's easy to get them to do
what you want them to do it's not that
they are gall it's not that they are
polyan is but they are driven they're
driven by the need by the need to
satisfy gratify and please
others and so this is the topic of
today's video three steps to manipulate
a people pleaser as evil a title as I
could come up with and a propo evil my
name is s vaknin and I'm the author of
malignant self- Lov narcissism visited
the first book ever on narcissistic
abuse and a professor of Clinical
Psychology which pleases me no
end okay shim konim etc etc first I
advise you to um realize that the video
is divided in two parts the first part
is a general introduction and the second
part I go much deeper into the
psychology of people pleas Pleasers all
in all it's a pretty short video by my
standards but still it would be
perfectly okay if you were to watch only
the first part it's entirely up to
you it's important to realize or to
understand that people
pleasing is a phenomenon that involves
grandiosity and
catastrophizing why grandiosity people
Pleasers are submissive people Pleasers
are Meek they're humble the modest
they're there to
serve so why use the word
grandiosity because people pleaser make
the assumption that other people are
going to be devastated that other people
are going to be harmed that the
well-being of other people is going to
be compromised if the people pleas her
were to say no if the people pleaser
were to deny his or her Services
something bad would happen to the
recipients so there is this
grandiosity this hidden message or
hidden assumption that you as a people
pleaser you hold the well-being the
internal regulation the moods and the
emotions of other people in your hands
you're in charge you're in charge of
other people being happy you're in
charge of other people's happiness now
that's as grandio a statement as I've
ever ever
heard
and the people C's message is I am that
important to other people's lives I am
that crucial to other people's
well-being that I really must
perform I must do my bit I must
contribute I must please so this is the
grandiosity part the second part has to
do with
catastrophizing again there's a an
occult hidden
message hidden
assumption and that is the P Pleasers
tells himself or herself if I were to
say
no there would be disastrous
consequences to me especially
emotionally but maybe also in other ways
I may end up making enemies and there
will be disastrous consequences to
others who could have benefited from my
actions choices and
decisions so this assumption this
underlying
assumption that where the people pleaser
sees to be a people pleaser when the
people pleaser stop pleasing other
people some disastrous cataclysmic
apocalyptic consequences would follow
this is of course catastrophizing a
cognitive
distortion grandiosity is also cognitive
distortion so we can generalize and say
that the people pleaser pleaser mind is
cognitively
distorted the reality testing of a
people pleaser is all shot impaired he
doesn't or she doesn't grasp reality
appropriately the people
pleaser grasps reality or Peres reality
in a way that elevates the people
pleaser into a position of power on the
one hand and by do doing
so renders the people pleaser
responsible for other people's happiness
other people's well-being other people's
gratification and other people's
accomplishments this is where the people
pleaser positions himself or herself
it's a choice actually it's a choice
that's emotionally
gratifying anxiety
reducing and self
aggrandizing there are automatic
thoughts at the core of the people pleas
people pleasing involves what is known
in cognitive behavior therapy as ants
automatic thoughts not necessarily
negative most people Pleasers have been
parentified as
children when they were young they were
forced to act in the role of a parent in
even to their own parents they fathered
the father they mothered the mother they
were the adults in the room as children
they were never allow allowed to
experience childhood they were never
they were never inducted into a
trajectory of healthy self-growth and
self-development they were playing a
role from the very Inception of life
people pleasing therefore is a role
playing thing has to do with role
playing and role Theory but these
automatic thoughts which are at the core
of people pleasing among especially
among parentifying children are the
following number one my happiness is
always it's someone else's expense it's
a zero sum game if I'm happy that's
because I've made someone else unhappy
or it's because I could have made
someone else happy and did
not number two I have to earn my
happiness I don't deserve it I have to
work hard I have to
justify any gratification any gift any
re receiving any whenever I take
something whenever I seek to be happy or
content I have to work hard to justify
this I don't deserve this
automatically it's because maybe I'm not
lovable
or maybe because I'm a failure making
other people happy or maybe because my
destiny and my mission in life is to
make other people happy and any minute
that I spend on myself is a der elction
of
Duty whatever the reason may be there is
this self-perception that happiness is
not out there for the taking but has to
be somehow gained somehow
earned number three I have to somehow
bribe people to stay with me collaborate
with me help me and tolerate
me because I'm not lovable or because
I'm a freak or because I'm a difficult
person or because I'm unique even
positively unique but in any
case I'm an exception I'm an
outlier and therefore I should be
treated as an outcast
and so when people agree to be with me
spend time with me when they agree to
socialize with me let alone become
friends or in a couple when they agree
to work with me help me I should be
grateful I should be grateful and I
should demonstrate my gratitude by
giving them something it could be
something tangible a material possession
it could be my time it could be my
resources and energy it could be
something self-sacrificial denying
myself happiness and gratification in
order to bring it on in the people who
share my
life I am a bad object says the people
pleaser I'm unworthy I'm unlovable I'm
crazy I'm inadequate I'm dissolute I'm
hopeless I'm irredeemable and so on so
forth number four I need to compromise
on my boundaries and rights
owing to all the above because I'm such
a difficult person to be with because
the experience of being with me the
experience of helping me the experience
of loving me is so
honorous and so
unrewarding I have to give up on my
boundaries I have to compromise on my
rights I have to be
easygoing I have to accept I have to be
submissive
why all that in order to somehow
mitigate somehow mitigate the difficulty
of being with
me if I were to be
unbounded if I were to not insist on
what's mine and what I'm owed maybe this
would allow people in my life to remain
in my life and to not abandon me or
reject
me now having taking all the taken all
this in mind you could see how easy it
is to manipulate people
Pleasers the main motivation of a people
pleaser would be to please you of course
so here are the three steps to
manipulating people Pleasers all you
have to do is this number one
communicate your
expectations either overtly explicitly
and verbally or behaviorally with body
language microexpression
and so on either way make clear and make
sure that the people pleaser has
understood what is expected of him or
her your expectations become the rule
your expectations Rule and so they must
be gratified they must be met and they
must be actualized number two
communicate pleasure when your
expectations are met but don't overdo it
always leave place for
more render the process
inexorable
unattainable be
pleased demonstrate that you're happy
and content and
gratified but do it in a way that SES
doubt in the people Pleasers mind
whether he or she have done enough for
you number three communicate
profound
unmitigated
disappointment even
heartbreak when the people pleaser fails
to meet your
expectations whenever there's a gap
between what you wanted what you have
wanted the people pleaser to do and what
the people pleaser opted to do at the at
the end whenever there's such a gap
communicate to the people pleas that
you're so so so devastated you are so
sad you're so sorry you're so
angry you're so heartbroken even that
maybe just maybe you're on the verge of
abandoning the people pleaser and
rejecting the whole
relationship do do these three things
with the people pleaser and you will
have found a
lifelong servant not to say slave
catering permanently to all your needs
selflessly self-
sacrificially and without
complaint that is the popular part now
on to the psychodynamics and psychology
of people pleases a little more in
depth yes I'm alive I survived the Trump
video you didn't get to me you're going
to make more
videos my name is sakin I the author of
malignance of Love narcissism Revisited
the Bible of narcissism the book that
coined all the language in use today I'm
also a professor of psychology two days
ago I released a video about the way
constructs
reshape
reality uh reframe your memories in
order to uphold and to butress and to
support a specific self state which is
responsive to environmental cues now
this was a mouthful so I'll remind you
self State the environment sends you
stimuli the environment provides
information and data a specific self
state is selected the self state
activates a construct the construct
interfaces with reality gathers the
information filters it reframes it in
order to conform to the self State and
then the construct also uh changes your
memory it kind of represses some
memories emphasizes other memories
creates select a selective memory
environment so it Alters
it Alters the perception of reality it
Alters your memories and then it induces
in you behaviors that tend to uphold the
self State this is done via introjects
the introjects are internal voices in
your head that send out a stream of
automatic thoughts the
constructs activate trigger specific
injects then the automatic thoughts
shape your behavior and you create in
the environment you create you generate
specific
outcomes uh your behavior has
consequences and these outcomes or
Consequences tend to support to uphold
to prove right the self- state and its
Associated constellation of
constructs I recommend that you watch
that video there's a lot more there a 1
hour video one of my
shortest but many of you have written to
me to ask can you give me can you give
us an example can you give us an example
of how this works in reality so today
I'm going to do exactly this you are
warned today I'm going to discuss how
this mechanism works with people
Pleasers and with children uh adults who
had been parentified as children
and so these people
have specific automatic thoughts these
automatic thoughts are at the core of
the identity of people Pleasers and
formally parentified children what are
these automatic thoughts well here they
are number one my happiness is always at
someone else's expense I call it the
Zero Sum automatic thought
if you happy someone else is unhappy
your happiness is someone else's
sacrifice your contentment your joy your
cheer is someone else's distress or
burden so there's a zero some game if
you love people if you like people if
you want to please people if you feel
that you are someone's mother or
someone's daddy figure you are going to
withhold your happiness you're going to
suppress your joy and cheer and
contentment in order not to inflict
undue burdens sacrifices and unhappiness
on your nearest and dearest that is
automatic thought number one and it
comes from an inject or a group of
injects possibly for example a harsh
critical mother or a withholding absent
mother or a selfish essentially dead
mother
mentally okay the second automatic
thought at the core of people pleasing
and formally parentified children is I
have to earn my happiness I don't
deserve happiness I have to work hard
for it I have to justify it I have to
demonstrate that uh happiness um is due
is my due
happiness is not an ambient thing
happiness is not something that everyone
around me should strive to provide me
for happiness is not something I should
pursue because if I pursue happiness it
is at someone else's expense happiness
is hard work so these people identify
happiness with tasks with
assignments with
labor the more the busier they are the
more difficult life is the more honorous
the
tasks the more they have to
do the the happier they feel because
surely having invested so much work
happiness is coming to me
so um these people would tend to become
for example Workaholics they would tend
to develop addictions a variety of
addictions addiction is perceived by the
adct as work you ask any Junkie and he
will tell you how much work there is in
securing the drug and then using the
drug and so on so forth addiction
involves ceremonies routines addiction
creates a social circle around the
addict so addiction is an organizing
principle a life structuring affirmation
at these people people Pleasers formerly
parentified children they tend to become
addicts because the
addiction is perceived as labor hard
labor and toil is the prerequisite and
the an antecedent of Happiness there's
no happiness without toil it's a little
like in the Bible you know when Adam and
Eve were expelled from the Garden of
Eden God promised them a life of
toil uh compensated for by giving giving
birth to
Children okay happiness including
childbearing and child rearing
um you have to work for it you have to
earn it and deserve
it number
three automatic thought number
three
somehow I have to bribe
people I have to bribe people around me
I have to somehow corrupt them by
offering them something I have to
compensate them for being with me I have
to bribe people to stay with me I I have
to bribe people to collaborate with me I
have to coopt people to help me I have
to make sure that people tolerate me
because I give them something in
return and I need to do all this because
I'm a bad object I'm unworthy I'm
unlovable I'm crazy I'm inadequate I'm
dissolute I'm hopeless and so on and so
forth I am so I am such
um bad deal I'm such a delinquent
proposition that for people to do to
have anything to do with me they somehow
must be given something in return must
be
compensated so this is the third
automatic negative automatic thought and
the fourth automatic thought is I need
to
compromise life is a compromise I need
to compromise on my boundaries
I need to give up my
rise I need to do all this because of
the previous three automatic thoughts
I'm unworthy my happiness is always at
the expense of someone and I have to
earn my happiness so I need to give up
on boundaries on rights on demands on
expectations I can't force myself on the
environment I need to minimize myself I
need to minimize myself to the point of
Vanishing
I need to be an
apparition I need to become a function I
can't be a full-fledged human being
because I'm a full if a full-fledged
human being this in itself is a burden
on other
people this in itself is an requires an
exertion of other people just to accept
me I'm inexorable I'm a plague and a
Devastation I need to keep myself hidden
or
in a
way these are the automatic thoughts at
the core of people pleasing at the core
of formerly parentified
children and these automatic thoughts
pervade all areas of life all types of
functioning all acts all decisions and
choices all cognitions and all emotions
in sex for example someone with this
mindset would allow her partner to do
anything to her even a casual partner
even a total stranger she would have no
boundaries she would let him anything do
anything he pleases she would not dare
say no because in her mind she has no
right to say no if she if she were to
say no she would make the partner angry
justifiably she would deserve punishment
because she's a bad object so she would
succumb to unwanted sex with an un
undesirable partner because that's just
the way it is she doesn't deserve any
better she has no rights she doesn't
have even the right to impose a
boundary it's nice of him to just be
with her and give her some attention and
this is in SE in the family such a
person would be a doormat she would
cater to the needs of others to the
point of self Deion and utter exhaustion
she would sacrifice a health physical
and mental just to guarantee Harmony
Consensus These people are conflict
averse these automatic thoughts are
coopted by the constructs the constructs
Within These people the construct
inherent inherent in these people
they activate they trigger specific
injects for example the harsh harsh
mommy inject or the rejecting absent
daddy
inject Or the critical teacher inject so
the the constructs in these
people constructs within these people
they would trigger specific
introjects and these introjects will
spew out will generate the afor
mentioned four automatic
thoughts so the constructs activate the
introjects the
introjects begin to generate automatic
thoughts your happiness is someone
else's expense you have to earn your
happiness you don't deserve it you have
to Bri bribe people to stay with you
collaborate with you help you or
tolerate you and you need to compromise
on your boundaries and rights these are
the automatic thoughts the constructs
latch onto these automatic thoughts
appropriate them snatch them and they
use them to manipulate the environment
the behavior I'm sorry they use these
automatic thoughts generated by the
interjects the constructs use them to
manipulate or affect the
behaviors of the p pleasa and the
formally paren
child people
pleasing and formally parentified child
these are the self
States so the people pleaser has a
people pleasing self States self state
which then uses a group of constructs
which then activate specific interjects
which gen with which then
generate the automatic thoughts which
then affect the behaviors of the people
pleaser and the formerly parentified
child I hope it's a bit clearer now you
can apply it to every situation and
every person you've ever met this is a
universal model a self- state responsive
to to the environment self- State
responsive to circumstances self- State
responsive to other people this self-
state selects con conct s constructs are
ways of organizing the
world constructs are ways of imbuing the
world which sense and meaning
interpreting the world explaining what's
happening so the
constructs falsify memory reframe memory
and they also suppress lots of
information information that conflicts
with the self State challenges the self
state will be filtered out the construct
is like a
membrane and then these
constructs would affect your behavior
affect the behavior of these people to
conform to the self- state they do this
by activating
injects and flooding the subject
flooding the person with automatic
thoughts automatic thoughts affect
Behavior Behavior affects reality
reality conforms to the self State
everyone is happy there's no dissonance
no conflict no anxiety this is how
things work so next time you come across
a people pleaser next time you come
across a promiscuous person who can't
say no next time you come across someone
who has been parentified as a child and
insist on being your mother or your
father because that's the only thing
they know how to how to do next time you
come across these people realize that
these are self States
they have other self States when they
are in the people pleasing self State
the promiscuous never say no self State
the um um parentifying self- State when
they are in these self States they have
specific constructs inside that activate
specific injects that flood them with
automatic thoughts that they cannot
resist these automatic thoughts are like
programming like algorithms at that
moment the self State takes over and the
person becomes a puppet a machine a
robot a
computer we spend most of our lives in
this automatic state which is why many
philosophers and psychologists and
neuroscientists doubt the existence of
free will I have a video dedicated to
this
be
forgiving because people know not know
not what they're
doing my name is sne I'm the author of
malignant self-love narcissism
Revisited to a narcissistic boss or
employer the members of his staff his
employees are sources of narcissistic
Supply and nothing
else their role is to remember events
that support the grandio self-image of
the
narcissist to regulate the narcissistic
Supply to adulate to adore to admire to
agree to affirm to provide attention and
approval and generally to serve as an
audience the staff or employees are
supposed to remain
passive the narcissist is not interested
in anything but the simplest function of
mirroring his
Grandeur his achievements his
status when the mirror the employee
acquires a personality and a life of its
own the narcissist is
incensed when independent minded an
employee is perceived to be a kind of
danger and is in danger of being sacked
by his narcissistic
employer an act which demonstrates the
employer's omnipotence control over the
employee the employees presumption to be
the employer equal is rejected and
vehemently and emotionally resented by
the
employer an employee should not try to
befriend a narcissistic boss or a
narcissistic employer friendship Is
Possible only among equals and to The
Narcissist his employees and his staff
are his
inferiors they are his property he Lords
over them he is superior to them
therefore how can he be their friend
trying to become a narcissistic bosses
or employes friend constitutes an injury
to the haughtiness and pride and
arrogance of said boss or
employer the narcissistic boss or
employer is willing to accept his
employees as underlings as subordinates
who very position serves to support his
grandio fantasies but nothing else and
nothing
above the grandiosity of the
narcissistic Boston
employer is precarious and
tenuous it rests on fragile
foundations any hint of equality with
the employees any disagreement any
criticism and even any expression of an
unfulfilled
need threatens The Narcissist
profoundly the narcissist is exceedingly
insecure deep inside it is easy to
destabilize the narc The Narcissist
impromptu to personality his false self
his
reactions however disproportionate and
rageful are merely in
self-defense
so classic narcissistic behavior is when
idealization is followed by De
devaluation so at first the narcissistic
boss or employer idealizes the new
employee he the new employee can do
nothing wrong he's perfect he's br
I is attuned to The Narcissist needs but
then devaluation
follows as a result of minor
disagreements or merely because time has
eroded the employees capacity to serve
as a fresh source of attention and
narcissistic
Supply the veteran employee is taken for
granted by his narcissistic employer and
boss he becomes uninspiring as a source
of adulation admiration and attention
The Narcissist always seeks new Thrills
new
stimuli provided through and via the
attention given by new
employees the narcissist is notorious
for for his low threshold of resistance
to Bodom his behavior is
impulsive his biography is chaotic
precisely because of his need to
introduce uncertainty and risk in to
what he regards as stagnation or slow
death in other words routine narcissists
abhor
routines most interactions in the
workplace though are part of the Rat
they are
routine and thus constitute a reminder
to the narcissist that he is quote
unquote stagnating Shackled imprisoned
unappreciated unable to realize his tact
potential the routine workplace deflates
The Narcissist grandio
fantasies so narcissists do many
unnecessary wrong and even dangerous
things in pursuit of restoring and
stabilizing their inflated
self-image narcissist feel suffocated by
intimacy or by the constant reminders of
real nitty-gritty world out there it
reduces them it makes them realize the
the gap between their fantasies and
reality it is a threat to the balance of
their personality structures the false
self which is invented and confabulated
and concocted and the true self which is
dilapidated and
dysfunctional so they treat routine and
every everyone connected to that routine
as a
menace narcissist forever shift the
blame the pass the back and they engage
in cognitive dissonance they pathologize
the other by projecting on onto him or
her frailties weaknesses
failures they Foster feelings of guilt
and shame in in their employees and
their subordinates and use this guilt
and shame to manipulate them they debase
and
humiliate uh their stuff in order to
preserve their own sense of
superiority they're pathological liar
they think nothing or of confabulating
or or pathologically telling lies
because it is because their very self is
false they are their own
confabulation so what can you do with a
narcisstic boss and employer number One
never disagree with the narcissist or
contradict him number two never offer
The Narcissist any intimacy number three
look old and inspired by whatever
attribute Matters To The Narcissist for
instance if he regards himself to be a
professional pretend that you are dump
struck that you are amazed by his
professional achievements if he
considered himself good-look comment on
it
repeatedly never remind The Narcissist
of Life out there of the routine and if
you do connect it somehow to his sense
of grandiosity you can agiz even
ordering office supplies the most
mundane thing conceivable you you can
say for instance these are the best art
material any workplace is going to have
or we get these office supplies
exclusively because of you and your
connections and so on agiz the
narcissist do not make any comment which
might directly or indirectly impin on
the narcissist self-image omnipotence
Superior judgment omnience skills
capabilities professional record or even
omnipresence bad sentences start with I
think you overlooked this and that I
believe you made a mistake here you
don't know that do you know that etc etc
or you were not here
yesterday you cannot you should not
these kind of sentences are interpreted
by The Narcissist as rude impositions
and they react very badly to these
injurious
restrictions and and hints at their lack
of omnipotence and lack of
omnition manage your narcissistic B
notice patterns in his bullying is he
more aggressive on Monday Monday
mornings is he more open to suggestions
on Friday afternoons is he imitable to
flattery can you modify his conduct by
appealing to his morality Superior
knowledge good manace good looks
cosmopolitanism or upbringing
manipulating the narcissist is your is
the only way you as an employee can
survive in such uh contaminated and
tainted workplace
I'm Sam ban and I'm the author of
malignant self- love narcissism
Revisited this is the first in a series
of 10 videos about how to survive a
relationship with a narcissist and how
to cope with a
psychopath first it's important to
understand that there is nothing special
about the body language or behavior
patters of abusers who are not
narcissists and Psychopaths not all
abusers suffer from a personality
disorder regrettably most victims find
themselves trapped long before they have
become aware of any meaningful warning
sign also important to remember is that
abuse is a multifaceted phenomenon it is
a poisonous cocktail of control freakery
conforming to Social and cultural norms
and it includes latent sadism the abuser
seeks to subjugate his victims but also
to look good and save face in front of
family and peers many abusers simply
enjoy inflicting pain on helpless
victims my advice to you is to disengage
detach terminate the relationship get as
far away as you can but assuming that
you want to stay on with your abuser
assuming that you want to maintain this
sick relationship Mal treatment can to
some extent be mitigated ameliorated and
even avoided
abusers react to the slightest
provocation real or imagined and they
react with disproportionate wrath and
rage and often violence it is important
therefore never to openly and repeatedly
disagree with your abuser or contradict
him if you do your abuser is bound to
walk away but only after he has vilified
and harmed you in every which way he can
abusers feel threatened by real sharing
and by Common decision- making so never
offer your abuser any intimacy it is a
sure way of turning him off and his
aggression on abusers perceive intimacy
or the offer of intimacy as a Prelude to
manipulation internally they have a
dialogue that says actually a monologue
that says what is she getting it what
does she really want what is a hidden
agenda abusers are to some extent
narcissistic they have narcissistic
traits
so admire and adore them openly but do
not lie to them or exaggerate this would
be perceived by them as coming and will
provoke your abuser to Feats of paranoia
and jealousy look Ed by whatever matters
to your abuser for instance by his
professional achievements or by his good
looks or even by his success with other
women but don't overdo it the abuser
tries to transform his personal space
into the exact opposite of his real life
at home he is the master of a fantasy of
perfection and Harmony and the
Undisputed recipient of adulation and
obeisance any reminder that in reality
his life is a drab dead end subject to
routine that he is a failure or a tyrant
or a swindler or a wannabe sometimes
hated by his own oppressed family any
such reminder is likely to be met with
unbridled hostility and
worse never remind your abuser of Life
out there and if you do connect it
somehow to his sense of grandiosity
reassure him of the permanence of your
obedient and self-sacrificial love to
him do not make any comment which might
directly or indirectly impinge on his
self-image on his omnipotence judgment
omniscience skills capabilities
professional record or even
omnipresence he wishes to be Godlike
treat him as such listen attentively to
his words and never disagree contradict
him or offer your point of view you are
there merely to witness the abusers
train of thought not to derail it with
reminders of your separate and
autonomous existence be saintly be
patient be accommodating and endlessly
giving with nothing in return never let
your energy be depleted never let your
guard down your abuser is likely to be
provoked to extremes by by signs of your
personal autonomy and Independence so
you should conceal your thoughts and
plans make novert choices and express no
preferences never mention your emotions
your needs your earnings your wages your
profits your trust
money tell him how much you rely on him
to reach the right decisions for both of
you play dumb but not too dumb or it may
Pro provoke his
suspicions it is a thin line between
pleasing the abuser and rendering in
rendering the abuser a raving
paranoid never give your abuser cause to
doubt or suspect you surrender all
control to him deny yourself access to
property and funds do not socialize drop
all your friends and hobbies quit your
job and your studies and confine
yourself to your Abode your abuser is
bound to be virulently jealous and
suspect illicitly zones between you and
the least likely persons your family
included
he is likely to ACC accuse you even of
incest he envies the attention you give
to others even to your common Children
Place him on a pedestal and make sure he
notices how you ignore spurn and neglect
everyone else to your abuser you're an
object no matter how ostensibly revered
and cherished one hence the
battering he monopolizes your time and
your mind as well as your body beating
up on you is his way of saying I possess
you you're mine he makes for you even
the minutest choices what to wear what
to cook for dinner where when and where
to go out and with whom in extreme cases
your abuser regards even your body as
his to share with others if he sees
fit it is an honorous existence
consistently tip toying on
eggshells neither is it invariably
successful the submissive posture delays
the more egregious manifestations of
abuse but cannot prevent them
altogether choosing to live with an
abuser is like opting to share a cage
with a predator or a nest with a snake
no matter how domesticated nature is
bound to Prevail you are more likely
than not to end up as the abusers next
meal bear that in mind remember my
advice the only way to treat an abuser
is not to treat him at all to disengage
to go away and this is the topic of our
next
video I'm sakin and I'm the author of
malignant self-love narcissism
Revisited this is the second in a series
of videos about how to cope with a
narcissist or a psychopath in an
intimate relationship be sure to watch
the previous video today we will discuss
what I call the conflict
posture contrary to its name the
conflictive posture is actually about
avoiding Conflict by minimizing contact
and by insisting on your boundaries it
is about refusal to accept abusive
Behavior by demanding from the abuser
reasonably predictable and rational
actions and reactions it is about
respect for you and for your
predilections emotions needs wishes and
priorities a healthy relationship
requires Justice
proportionality you should reject or
ignore unjust and capricious
Behavior conflicts are inevitable even
in the most loving and mature bonds but
the Rules of Engagement are different in
a in a Leone in a relationship which
involves abusive conduct there in such a
sick relationship you must react in kind
you must you must let your abuser have a
taste of some of his own
medicine abusers are predators they are
attuned to the subtlest emotional cues
of their prey you never show your abuser
that you're afraid or that you are less
than Resolute the willingness to
negotiate is perceived by the abuser as
a weakness violent offenders and Bullies
Are insatiable do not succumb to
Blackmail or to emotional extortion once
you start compromising you won't see the
end of it
the abuser creates a shared CIS in
French a f with his victim it is a
narrative it's a confabulation a story
an overwhelming feeling of the two of us
against the whole hostile world out
there well don't buy into it feel free
to threaten him with legal measures feel
free to disengage if things get rough or
to involve law enforcement officials
judges friends neighbors and colleagues
the abused feel ashamed they feel
somehow responsible guilty and
blameworthy for their own maltreatment
the abuser is adept at instilling these
erroneous Notions in his victims he
passes The Bu he makes them feel
responsible for whatever has happened he
says openly look what you made me
do so above all do not keep your abuse a
secret secrecy is the abuse of his
weapon so you should share your story
with friends colleagues neighbors social
workers judges the police the media the
courts your minister anyone who would
listen don't make excuses for him don't
try to understand him do not empathize
with him for he surely does not
empathize with you he has no mercy on
you you in return do not bother to have
misplaced pity on him never give him a
second chance react with your full
arsenal to the first transgression teach
him a lesson he is unlikely to forget
make him go elsewhere for his sadistic
Pursuits or to offload his
frustrations the abuser sometimes uses
third parties his family his peers in
order to torture and torment and taunt
you well often the abusers proxies his
long arms are unaware of their role you
should expose him to them you should
inform them demonstrate to them how they
are being abused misused and plain use
by your abuser trap your abuser treat
him as he treats you involve other
people bring it into the open there is
nothing like sunshine to disinfect
abuse there are a few techniques which
work wonders with abusers some
psychologists recommend to treat repeat
offenders as one wood toddlers the Abus
is indeed a kind of um immature breath
he's dangerous he is endowed with
Privileges and capabilities of an adult
but he is still an immature brat with
temper
Tums sometimes ignoring these temper
tantrums is a wise policy but not always
and actually not very often and actually
definitely not as a
role the next video we will discuss
specific techniques and strategies for
dealing with narcissist and
Psychopaths I'm sakn and I'm the author
of malignant self-love narcissism
Revisited this is the third video in a
series about coping strategies and
techniques with narcissists and
psychopaths in Intimate
Relationships be sure to watch the rest
of the series today we will out
techniques of coping with narcissistic
and Psychopathic
abuses not all these techniques apply to
all
abusers listen to the other watch the
other videos in this series to decide
which technique to adopt in which
situation right now we're just going to
map the territory the first technique is
to mirror the abuser's behavior mirror
his actions repeat his words if for for
instance he is having a rage attack rage
back if he threatens threaten back and
credibly try to use the same language
the same content if he leaves the house
leave the house as well disappear on him
if he is suspicious act suspicious and
jealous be critical denigrating
humiliating go down to his
level the other technique is to frighten
him identify the vulnerabilities and
susceptibilities of the narcissistic and
Psychopathic abuser and strike repeated
escalating blows of them if a narcissist
is a secret or something he wishes to
conceal use your knowledge to threaten
him of course do so legally and only
after you have consulted an attorney
drop cryptic hints that there are
mysterious witnesses to the events and
recently revealed evidence do it
cleverly do it non-c committedly
gradually in an escalating Manner and of
course again in a legal way let him let
his imagination do the rest you don't
have to do much except utter a vague
reference make an ominous illusion
delineate a possible turn of events
needless to add that all these
activities have to be pursued legally
preferably through through the good
Services of law offices and in broad
daylight if done the wrong way they
might constitute extortion or blackmail
harassment and a host of other criminal
offenses they can also backfire and
provoke the narcissistic and
Psychopathic abuser in into violence and
aggression I repeat not all coping
techniques are applicable to all
situations and to all abusers listen and
watch the other videos in this series to
make up your mind which technique
applies when and to
whom the next technique is to lure the
abuser offer the abuser continued
narcissistic Supply you can make a
narcissist Do Anything by offering
withholding or threatening to withhold
narcissistic Supply ulation admiration
attention sex or subservience or even
the appearance of being
fearful play on his fears of Abandonment
is the next technique if nothing else
Works explicitly threaten to abandon
your abuser you can condition the threat
you can say if you don't do something or
if you do do something I will desert you
the narcissist perceives the following H
sentences as threats of Abandonment even
if they are not meant such he perceives
every confrontation every fundamental
disagreement or protracted
criticism as a sign of Abandonment he
perceives abandonment when he is
completely ignored or when you insist on
respect for your boundaries needs
emotions choices and preferences when
you retaliate for instance when you
shout back at him all these in the
narcissist mind equate
abandonment finally this is the
technique that I recommend the most and
always refuse use all contact be sure to
maintain as much contact with your
abuser as the courts counselors
mediators Garden guardians or law
enforcement officials mandate but no
more do not contravene the decisions of
the system work from inside the system
to change judgments evaluations or
rulings but never rebel against the
system the courts the police never
ignore them you will only turn the
system against you and against your in
interests and you will be labeled the
abuser instead of the victim but with
the exception of this minimum mandated
by the courts decline any and all
gratuitous contact with a narcissist or
psychopath do not respond to your
abusers pleading to romantic nostalgic
flattering or threatening email messages
return all the gifts that he sends you
refuseing mentry to your premises do not
even respond to the intercom do not talk
to him on the phone
hang up the minute you hear his voice
while making clear to him in a single
polite but firm sentence that you are
determined not to talk to him ever again
do not answer his letters do not visit
him on special occasions or in
emergencies when he's sick do not
respond to questions requests or please
forwarded to you through or via or by
Third parties disconnect from third
parties whom you know are spying on you
at your abusers behest do not discuss
with your abusers
your children do not gossip about your
abuser do not ask him for anything even
if you are in dire need and Dire Straits
when you are forced to meet your abuser
do not discuss your personal affairs or
raise them do not discuss his personal
affairs or raise them as well relegate
any inevitable contact with him when and
where possible to professionals to your
lawyer to your accountant to the police
to judge to judges or to court
officials but is there anything you can
do to avoid abuses and narcissist to
start with are there any warning signs
any identifying marks rules of thumb to
Shield you from the harrowing traumatic
experience of an abusive relationship we
have a special video which deals with
these issues be sure to watch
it I'm sney I'm the author of malignant
self love narcissism
Revisited no one should feel responsible
for the narcissist predicament to him
others hardly exist he so enmeshed in
himself and in the resulting misery of
this self- preoccupation that he notices
no one else other people are subjects on
which on which he projects his rage his
wrath is repressed and suppressed in
mutating aggression and finally his ill
disguised violence how should the
narcissist closest nearest and dearest
cope with his eccentric Val bories the
short answer is by abandoning him or at
least by threatening to abandon him the
threat to abandon the narcissist need
not be explicit or conditional for
instance if you don't do something or if
you do it I will ditch you it is aici
sufficient to confront the narcissist to
completely ignore the narcissist to
insist on respect for one's boundaries
and wishes or to shout back at him the
narcissist takes these signs of personal
autonomy to be a harbinger of impending
separation and he reacts with anxiety
the narcissist is tamed by the very same
weapons that he uses to subjugate others
the Spectre of being abandoned looms
large over everything else in the
narcissist mind every discordant note
presages Solitude the resulting
confrontation with his own self the
narcissis is a person who is irreparably
traumatized by the behavior of the most
important people in his life his parents
Role Models or even peers by being
capricious arbitrary and sadistically
judgmental these people molded The
Narcissist into an adult who fervently
and obsessively tries to recreate the
trauma in order this time around to
resolve it we call this a repetition
complex thus on the one hand The
Narcissist feels that his freedom
depends upon reenacting these early
experiences on the other hand the
narcissist is terrified by this Prospect
realizing that he is doomed to go
through the same traumas over and over
again the narcissist distances himself
by using his aggression to alienate
humiliate and in general to be
emotionally
absent this Behavior brings about the
very consequence that the narcissist saw
dreads abandonment but this way at least
the narcissist is able to tell himself
and others that he was the one who had
fostered the separation that it was
fully his choice and that he was is not
surprised by it the truth is the truth
is that governed by his internal demons
The Narcissist has no real Choice the
Dismal future of his relationships is
pre-ordained the narcissist is a binary
person the carrot is also the stick in
his case if he gets too close to someone
emotionally he fears ultimate and
inevitable abandonment he thus
immediately distances himself acts cruy
and brings about the very abandonment
that he had feared in the first place in
this Paradox lies the key to coping with
a narcissist if for instance he is
having a rage attack rage back this will
provoke in him fears of being abandoned
and the resulting calm will be so total
that it might seem to you Eerie
narcissists are known for these sudden
tectonic shifts in mood and in Behavior
mirror The Narcissist actions repeat his
words if he threatens threaten back
incredibly try to use the same language
and content if he leaves the house leave
the house as well disappear on him if he
is suspicious act suspicious be critical
denigrating humiliating go down to his
level because that's the only way to
penetrate his thick defenses faced with
his own Mirror Image The Narcissist
always
recoils we must not forget that the
narcissist behaves the way he does in
order to engender and encourage
abandonment when mirrored The Narcissist
Dre imminent and impending desertion
which is the inevitable result of his
actions and words this Prospect so
terrifies him that it induces in him an
incredible alteration of conduct he
instantly succumbs and obsequiously
tries to make amends moving from one
cold bitter cynical misanthropic cruel
and sadistic Pole to another he becomes
warm loving fuzzy and gulfy emotional
modin and
sakarin the other coping strategy is of
of course to do abandoned to to give up
on the
narcissist dump him and go about
reconstructing your own life very few
people deserve the kind of investment
that is an absolute prerequisite to a
life with a narcissist the cope with a
narcissist is a full-time energy and
emotional emotion draining job which
reduces people around the narcissist to
insecure nervous wrecks who deserves
such a sacrifice definitely not the
narcissist no one to my mind
not even the most brilliant Charming
breathtaking and sve narcissist has the
right to demand such self-
sacrifice the Glamour and trickery
werein and underneath them a monster
lurs which irreversibly and adversely
influences the lives of those around him
for the
worse narcissists are encourage and
notoriously difficult to change thus
trying to modify them to heal them to
cure them with love is doomed to failure
you should either accept them as they
are or avoid them altogether if one
accepts a narcissist as he is one should
cater to his needs his needs are part of
what he is would you have ignored a
physical handicap in someone would you
have not assisted a quadri plgic the
narcissist is an emotional he
needs constant adulation he cannot help
it so if one chooses to accept narcissis
to live with him to remain in an
intimate relationship with him it is a
package deal all his needs demands
requirements
included I'm sney I'm the author of
malignant self-love narcissism
Revisited what should you do if your
husband is a narcissist and he having an
extramarital affair cheating on you and
betraying your trust
well the answer is that narcissist are
people who fail to maintain a St stable
sense of self-worth very often somatic
narcissists these are narcissists who
use their bodies and their sexuality to
secure narcissistic Supply tend to get
involved in extramarital Affairs the new
conquests sexual conquests sustain their
grandio fantasies and they distorted and
unrealistic
self-image it is therefore nigh
impossible to alter this particular
behavior of a somatic narcissist sexual
interactions serve as a constant
reliable easy to obtain narcissistic
Supply it is the only source of such
Supply if the narcissist is not cerebral
in other words if he doesn't rely on his
in intellect intelligence or
professional achievements from
narcissistic Supply pure somatic
narcissists deemphasize their
intellectual capabilities in favor of
their physical attributes sexual prior
an ability to conquer the opposite sex
or the same sex in case they're
homosexuals well one way of coping with
this coping with the situation is that
you should set up rigid strict and very
well- defined Rules of
Engagement ideally all contacts between
your spouse and his lover should be
immediately and irrevocably severed but
this is usually too much to ask for so
you should make crystal clear when is
she allowed to call whether she's
allowed to write to him at all and in
which circumstances what are the
subjects she is allowed to Broach in her
correspondence and phone calls when is
he allowed to see her and what other
modes of interaction between them are
permissible clear and painful sanctions
must be defined in case the above rules
are violated both rules and sanctions
must be applied rigorously and
mercilessly and must be set in writing
in unequivocal terms fairness is
important but so is rigorousness and
strictness the problem is that the
narcissist never really separates from
these sources of narcissistic Supply
until and unless they cease to be
sources narcissists never really say
goodbye The Narcissist lover is likely
to still have an emotional hold on him
long after the affair is officially over
the husband must first he have his Day
of Reckoning with
her help your narcissistic mate or
husband or partner intimate partner by
telling him what will be the price that
he stands to pay if he does not obey the
rules and sanctions that you have agreed
upon tell him that you cannot live like
this any longer that if he does not get
rid of his of this presence of The
Echoes of his past really he will be
squandering his present he will be
forfeiting you don't be afraid to lose
him if he prefers this woman to you it
is important for you to to know it if he
prefers you to her your nightmare is
over if you insist on staying with a
somatic narcissist you must also be
prepared to serve as a source of
narcissistic Supply an alternative to
the supply provided by his lovers you
must brace yourself serving as a source
of narcissistic Supply is an honorous
task full-time job and a very ungrateful
one at De The Narcissist thirst for
adulation admiration worship approval
and attention can never be quenched it
is a cian mind numbing effort which
Heralds only additional demands and
disgruntled critical humiliating tyrants
by the
narcissist that you are afraid to
confront reality is normal you are
afraid to set clear Alternatives you're
afraid that he will abandon you you're
afraid that he will prefer her to you
and you may may well be right but if
this is the case and you go on living
with him and ing yourself it is
unhealthy you're are living a deception
if you if you found it difficult to
confront the fact that it is all over
between you that your relationship is an
empty shell that your husband or
intimate partner is with another woman
in the fullest sense of the word do not
hesitate to seek help from professionals
and nonprofessionals alike friends are a
great source of of support and
assistance but do not let the situation
fester in into psychological gandin
amputate now while you
can my name is s vagy i the author of
malignant self- lover narcissism
Revisited narcissists are often
vindictive they stalk they harass they
intimidate and basically there are only
two ways of coping with vindictive
narcissist either to frighten them or to
lure them
start with frightening them narcissists
live in a constant state of repressed
aggression Envy hatred and
rage they firmly believe that everyone
else is precisely like them as a result
they are paranoid suspicious scared
labil and
unpredictable frightening the narcissist
is a powerful behavior modification tool
if sufficiently deterred
The Narcissist promptly disengages gives
up everything he fought for sometimes
makes
amends to act effectively one has to
identify the vulnerabilities and
susceptibilities of the narcissist the
chinks in his armor and strike repeated
escalating blows at them until the
narcissist lets go and vanishes example
if the narcissist has a secret one
should use this fact to threaten him
one should drop cryptic hints that there
are mysterious witnesses to the events
and recently revealed evidence the
narcissis is a very vivid imagination
let his imagination do the work for
you the narcissist may have been
involved in tax evasion in malpractice
child abuse in infidelity and adultery
there are so many possibilities which
offer a rich vein of attack if done
cleverly non-committed
gradually and increasingly The
Narcissist crumbles disengages detaches
and disappears he lowers his profile
thoroughly in the hope of avoiding hurt
pain and criminal
persecution most narcissists have been
known to disown and abandon a whole
pathological narcissistic space in other
words they have been known to relocate
in response to a well focused campaign
by their victims
thus the narcissist may leave town
change his job abandon the field of
professional interest and avoid friends
and acquaintances only to relieve the
unrelenting pressure exerted on him by
his
victims I repeat most of the drama takes
place in the paranoid Mind Of The
Narcissist his imagination runs amch he
finds himself snarled by horrifying
scenarios pursued by the viest
certainties that form in his mind in his
fertile fibral mind the narcissist is
his own worst persecutor or prosecutor
you don't have to do much except utter a
vague reference make an ominous illusion
delineate a possible turn of events The
Narcissist will do the rest for you he
is like a small child in the dark
generating the very monsters that
paralyze him with fear needless to say
emphasize and repeat that all the these
activities have to be pursued legally
preferably through the good Services of
law offices and in broad daylight done
the wrong way they might constitute
extortion or blackmail harassment and a
host of other criminal offenses be very
careful because you would be treading a
thin line between legality and
illegality should you choose to frighten
The
Narcissist the alternative is of course
to lure the vindictive
narcissist the other way to neutralize
him is to offer him continued
narcissistic Supply until the war is
over and had been won by you dazzled by
the drug of narcissistic Supply The
Narcissist immediately becomes tamed
forgets his vindictiveness and
triumphantly takes over his new property
and
territory under the influence of
narcissistic Supply the narcissist is
unable to tell when he is being
manipulated he's blind dumb and deaf you
can make the narcissist do anything by
offering withholding or threatening to
withhold narcissistic Supply adulation
admiration attention sex or subservience
are your are the tools the weapons in
Your Arsenal in coping with vindictive
dangerous stalkers and
paranoids my name is s and I'm the
author of malignant self- love now ISM
Revisited today we will discuss
stalkers stalkers are not made of one
cloth some of them are psychopaths other
stalkers are schizoids narcissist
paranoids or an ad mixture of these
unsavory mental health
disorders stalkers harass their victims
because they are lonely or because it is
fun these are latent sades or because
they cannot help it they're clinging
codependent or for myor different other
reasons clearly coping techniques suited
to one type of stalker May backfire or
prove to be futile with another the only
denominator common to all bullying
stalkers is their pent up rage stalker
is angry at his or her targets and hates
them he perceives his victims as
unnecessarily and childishly
frustrating the aim of stalking is to
educate the victim and to punish her
hence a catch22 of coping with stalkers
the standard and good advice is to avoid
all contact with your stalker to ignore
him even as you take
precautions but being evaded only
inflames the stalker's Wrath and
enhances his frustration the more the
stalker feels sidelined ignored and
stonewalled the more persistent he
becomes the more intrusive and the more
aggressive so what to
do it is essential therefore to First
identify the type of abuser you're faced
with start with the
erotomaniac this kind of stalker
believes that he's in love with you and
that regardless of overwhelming evidence
to the contrary the feeling is
reciprocated in other words he believes
that you are in love with him he
interprets everything you do or refrain
from doing as coded messages confessing
your Eternal Devotion to him and to your
relationships otom Maniacs are lonely
socially Ina people they may also be
people with whom you have been involved
romantically your former spouse a former
boyfriend or even an one night
stand they could also be colleagues or
co-workers the best coping strategy
within Roto Mania is to ignore him do
not communicate with him or even
acknowledge his existence the
erotomaniac clutches its straws and
often suffers from ideas of reference he
tends to blow out of proportion every
comment or gesture of his loved one so
avoid contact do not talk to him return
his gifts unopen refuse to discuss with
him anything or discuss him with others
delete his
correspondence then there is a
narcissistic stalker he feels entitled
to your time attention admiration and
resources he interprets every rejection
is an act of aggression which leads to a
narcissistic injury he reacts with
sustained rage and
vindictiveness he can turn violent
because he feels omnipotent and immune
to the consequences of his actions
your best coping strategy with a
narcissistic stalker is to make clear
that you want no further contact with
him and that this decision is not
personal be firm do not hesitate to
inform him that you hold him responsible
for his talking bullying and harassment
and that you will take all necessary
steps to protect yourself narcissists at
BS are cowards and are easily
intimidated luckily they never get
emotionally attached to their pre and so
they can move on with relative
ease then there is the paranoid stoker
this is by far the most dangerous of the
Lord he lives in an inaccessible world
of his own making he cannot be risen
with he cannot be cadol he thrives on
threats anxiety and fear he distorts
every communication to feed his
persecutory delusion and enhance his
anxiety paranoid is unpredictable and
there is no typical scenario but
experience shows that you can minimize
the dang danger to yourself and to your
household by taking some basic steps if
at all possible put as much physical
distance as you can between yourself and
the paranoid stalker change address
phone number email accounts cell phone
number en list the kids in a in a new
different School find a new job get a
new credit card open a new bank account
move States if you have to to not inform
your paranoid ex about your whereabouts
and about your new life you may have to
make painful painful sacrifices such as
minimize contacts even with your family
and best
friends and even with all these
precautions your abusive X is likely to
find you Furious that you have fled and
evaded him raging at your newfound
existence suspicious and resentful of
your freedom and personal autonomy
violence is more than likely to ensue
unless deterred paranoid former spouses
tend to be harmful even in some cases
lethal so be prepared alert to your
local Law Enforcement Officers check out
your neighborhood Domestic Violence
Shelter consider owning a gun for
self-defense or at the very least a stum
gun or mustard spray carry these with
you at all times keep them close by and
accessible even when you're asleep or in
your
bathroom youro Maniac stock
can last many years do not let down your
God even if you haven't heard from him
for a while stalker stalkers leave
traces they tend for instance to scout
the territory before they make their
move a typical stalker invades his or
her victim's privacy a few times long a
few times long before the crucial and
injurious
encounter so is your computer being
tampered with is someone downloading
your email is has anyone been in your
house while you were away any signs of
breaking an entry missing things
atypical disorder or even too much
order is your post being delivered
erratically some of the envelopes having
been opened and then raled mysterious
phone calls abruptly disconnected when
you pick up your stalker
May Scout your home sitting in a in a
vehicle opposite your
doorstep in all these if all these signs
if some of these signs exist your
stalker must have dropped by and is
monitoring you notice any unusual
pattern any strange event any weird
occurrence someone is driving by your
house morning and evening a new Gardener
or maintenanc man came by in your
absence someone is making inquiries
about you and your family maybe it's
time to move on teach your children to
avoid your paranoid X and to report to
you immediately any contact is made with
them abusive bullies of strike where it
hurts most it once's children explain to
your children the danger without being
unduly alarmed alarming make a
distinction between others whom they can
trust and your abusive former spouse or
ex whom they should
avoid ignore your gut reactions and
impulses because they are often
misleading sometimes the stress is so
honorous and so infuriating that you
feel like striking back at the stalker
so so don't do it don't play his game he
is better at it than you are and is
likely to defeat you instead unleash the
full force of the law whenever you get
the chance to do so restraining orders
peace bombs spells in jail and frequent
visits from the police tend to check the
abusers violent and intrusive
conduct the other behavioral extreme is
equally futile and
counterproductive do not try to buy
Peace by appeasing your abuser
submissiveness and attempts to risen
with him only wet the stalker appetite
he regards both as contable weaknesses
vulnerabilities that he can exploit you
cannot communicate with a paranoid
because he is likely to distort
everything that you say to support his
persecutory
delusions he has a sense of entitlement
he has grandio fantasies you cannot
appeal to his emotions or reason he has
none he at least no positive emot
remember your abusive and paranoid
former partner blames it all on you as
far as he concerned you recklessly and
unscrupulously wrecked a wonderful thing
that you both had G is vengeful seething
and prone to bouts of uncontrol and
extreme aggression don't listen to those
who tell you to take it easy hundreds of
thousands of women paid with their lives
for hitting this idiotic advice do not
take easy do not calm down do be hyper
Vigilant your paranoid stalker is
inordinately dangerous and more likely
than not he is with you for a long time
to
come finally there is the antisocial or
Psychopathic stalker though ruthless and
typically violent the psychopath is a
calculating machine how to maximize his
gratification and personal profit
Psychopaths lack empathy and may even be
sadistic but understand well and
instantly the language of carrots and
sticks so your best scoping strategy is
to convince your psychopath that messing
with your life or with your nearest is
going to cost him dearly do not threaten
him Simply Be unequivocal about your
desire to be left in peace and your
intentions to involve the law should he
stalk Harris or threaten you give him a
choice between being left alone and
becoming the target uh or or becoming
the target of multiple arrests
restraining orders and wor take extreme
precautions at all times and meet him
only in public
places my name is sakin and I'm the
author of malignant self-love narcissism
revision like borderlines narcissists
have something called abandonment
anxiety they are terrified by the
thought of being abandon
they are like children who are afraid
that their parents when they are out of
the room will never come back
again they lack object
constancy in other words narcissists
believe that when when people are out of
sight they are also out of mind they do
not believe in permanence in reliable
long-term relationships in bonding in
attachment and they don't believe in
these things because they've never
experienced them either as children or
as
adults okay so then narcissis have
abandoned anxiety Then why do they
abused their nearest and dearest their
so-called loved
ones after all if you abuse somebody the
chances of being abandoned by that
person are much higher if you abuse your
wife she's likely to walk away
if you maltreat your girlfriend she's
likely to find another
boyfriend why
abuse abuse ostensibly and intuitively
should increase the chances of
Abandonment and therefore increase the
narcissist abandonment
anxiety yet all narcissists without a
single exception
abuse granted they abuse in different
ways some of them abuse verbally some of
them some of them use a brutal sense of
humor or brutal honesty there are
million ways to abuse and multifarious
forms of
aggression but whatever the narcissist
and whoever the narcissist narcissists
always
abuse and especially those they are
supposed to be intimate
with well here's a counterintuitive
Paradox abuse serves to decrease
The Narcissist abandonment anxiety it
reduces the anxiety it humiliates it it
alleviates
it how
come well first of all when you abuse
someone when you devalue someone you
feel Superior to them they the re at the
receiving end the recipients of abuse
are inferior to you the abuser abusers
are in position of authority they do out
of you so devaluation leads to a sense
of superiority and superiority restores
The Narcissist sense of grandiosity
restores the grandio fantasy The
Narrative that underlies the narcissist
inflated sense of
self but why would the narcissist need
to restore his grandiosity where did it
go why who ruined it the abandonment
anxiety
The Narcissist has abandonment
anxiety and Superior beings perfect
beings Godlike beings should not feel
anxiety the very fact that the
narcissist feels anxiety
undermines his sense of grandiosity and
his sense of perfection and superiority
and Godlike qualities so it goes like
that the narcissist feels abandonment
anxiety this challenge es his sense of
perfection and
superiority he then devalues his spouse
or girlfriend or intimate partner or
significant other by abusing and
devaluing her he feels again Superior by
feeling Superior he restores his
grandiosity and by restoring his
grandiosity he eliminates or at the very
least reduces his
anxiety Point number
one but abuse has other function
for example
preemption The Narcissist
assumes that he will always be abandoned
loss is
guaranteed things will go badly
relationships will break up and
terminate The Narcissist assumes that he
will be abandoned hence his abandonment
anxiety and so if he is anyhow going to
be abandoned he might as well control
the process
he might as well bring about his own
abandonment he must as he might as well
precipitate the abandonment cause it
lead to it generate It Foster it if he
does then he is in
control If he if he were to be abandoned
because of his own doing if the
abandonment was of his own making then
he had he in his eyes had initiated his
aband abandonment
he is in
control he is not
abandoned he is simply fulfilling a goal
or a Target so preemption restoring a
sense of control over circumstances and
O over other people inducing abandonment
is a way of lying to yourself and saying
well actually I have not been abandoned
I sought it I wanted it this is called
cognitive dissonance
the third function of abusing others is
uncovering the truth the nist assumes
that people are faking it that they are
not as good as their word that there are
hidden agendas in at play that his wife
or his girlfriend or his intimate
partner or his significant other are
just pretending to love him claim cl to
be loyal claiming to be supportive but
when push comes to shove their true face
will be revealed The Mask will fall and
they will be
uncovered as who they are disloyal
cheating Unfaithful unreliable
unpredictable so how do you prove this
how do you prove this working hypothesis
by abusing people when the narcissist
abuses this significant other he is
testing
her he pushes her to the corner and he
wants to see how will she react will she
for example abandon him will she cheat
on him with another man will she walk
away will she attack will she
Counterattack he fets out information
about her abuse is a kind of probing
it's kind of test or testing process
it's as though he The Narcissist had put
his significant other in a lab and then
he is conducting all kinds of tests
laboratory tests abuse is a is a
controlled experiment at revealing the
truth about your intimate partner is she
as
steadfast as she claims is she as loyal
will she still be there even even if I'm
a jerk even if I'm abusing her
maltreating her humiliating her
insulting
her privately and in public how far can
I go to what extent can I annihilate her
to what extend can I extinguish her as
an autonomous entity and still she would
s she still she would be
around so it's a test and finally of
course abuse is a form of behavior
modification abuse is a signal it's a
communication mode by abusing someone
you're telling them that you're unhappy
with their
behavior and you are signaling to them
sometimes violently and always
aggressively that they should alter
their behavior if they want to not be
abused the thing is that abuse Works
abuse actually works most of the time
most spouses intimate partners and
significant others would alter and
modify their behavior in order to
minimize
abuse so abuse is an efficacious
efficient method for modifying your
partner's Behavior because it works it
is so commonplace among nisses and
Psychopaths okay so how do you do how do
you deal with it what are the coping
Styles which have proven to be efficient
with protracted and limited abuse abuse
is a feature of the relationship is a
fixture is an attribute of the
relationship well there are five
essentially cor STS the first one is
submissiveness by being submissive by
accepting and adhering to every rule
every capricious move every every
arbitrary decision every criticism by
avoiding disagreement by being conflict
averse you can minimize or reduce at
least the incidence the frequency and
the prevalence of abuse in the
relationship
submiss the second coping style is
exactly the opposite it's conflictive it
is the counterdependent coping sty it is
a refusal to accept the abuse refusal to
accept Authority challenging the abuser
arguing disagreeing criticizing
provoking fights raising him that also
works to some extent in reducing the
abuse ultimately the abuser would
Institute a policy of no contact and
would go away would become absent either
physically or emotionally and definitely
conversationally if the partner the
intimate part causes the abuser pain
every time he abuses
makes the abuser pay a price for his
misconduct the abuser very much like a
dog in paavo's experiments would learn
not to abuse but that is of course a
conflictive sense which means that
nothing much is left of the
relationship except constant conflict
constant Warfare constant
fighting and then we have mirroring
mirroring is a third copy St mirroring
doesn't mean that you do exactly what
the abuser does he shouts you shout he
says a word you repeat it and so that's
not
mirroring mirroring simply means that
you hurl back you throw back at the
abuser his verbiage his sentences the
words he chooses and so on and so forth
you throw them back at him rearranged in
a way to provoke a certain dynamic
so for example if the abuser
says um I would like to go and
do something and you don't want to go
and do something if you say no I don't
want to go up you know if you want to go
by yourself or something you're likely
to be abused criticized you know you
never do anything with me you are you no
longer interested in me you don't want
to be with me I knew I could not trust
you this relationship is going to hell
you are ruining it for both of us etc
etc etc the well-known
refrain one possibility is mirroring
reflecting these sentences back at the
abuser but in a way which would create
in the abuser a dynamic for example
would create in him abandonment anxiety
so by saying well you may well be right
you know the relationship is is really
going to hell and we seem to disagree on
many many things and and so on that's
precisely why I want to go out is are
actually you're repeating this verbiage
but by repeating it in a certain order
you're provoking abandoned
anxiety as you provoke in the abuser
negative emotions such as anxiety or
fear or depression and so on so forth
gradually the abuse or the incidence of
abuse will decline mirroring is a very
complex coping style because you need to
fully understand the abuser psychology
and you need to to know how to rearrange
his abuse and then reflect the abuse to
him in highly precise ways it's
Precision art if you do that if you're
Adept at mirroring you can achieve
surprising results including an up to
the point of the abuse disappearing
completely and then there is collusion
collusion is actually to amplify the
abuse up to the point of caricature
so if the abuser says you know you're so
stupid you don't think about what you're
saying you're always wrong and so on so
forth in a collusive or collusion coping
style you would say you know what you're
right I'm really very very stupid you
are so intelligent you're so decisive
you're so strong you're always so right
Etc you would exaggerate you you
overemphasize his words to the point of
rendering them humorous and caricis to
the point of rendering the abuser a
cartoon
figure and this would usually unsettle
the abuser drive him back he would be
able then to look to see himself you
would be reflecting him and he would be
able to see himself and this usually
would have positive
feedback uh on his behavior that you
would be creating a feedback loop which
would reduce his abusive behaviors the
last coping style which is not exactly
one of my favorites and should be
advised against except perhaps as the
last result is
displacement directing the negative
energy of abuse from yourself at someone
else so if the abuser begins to attack
you criticize you disagree with you
vehemently and aggressively humiliate
you chastise you etc etc you can then
direct this negative energy this rage
this you know discomfort you can direct
all these negative emotions at someone
else that you can both denigrate and
demean and criticize and so on someone
you agree on another SC or another
victim so but this is both an immoral
choice and could backfire in the sense
that you would gradually become an
extension of the abuser and an abuser
yourself self so displacement is a kind
of shared psychosis a situation where
you and the abuser form a diet form a
kind of account of abusing other people
it's not recommended of course but it's
also a coping style I had to mention and
it does happen more frequently than you
know when an abused spouse teams up with
her abuser to abuse third party abuse by
proxy