This content is a compilation of interviews and appearances by actress Lauren Graham, primarily on talk shows, where she engages in lighthearted, humorous, and often self-deprecating conversations about her career, personal life, and various amusing anecdotes.
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[Music]
let's welcome Lauren Graham everybody [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
well that is a bit awkward I want to
give you a kiss there no it does smells
is it tasty it's tasty and it smells
like a sort of Appalachia shampoo I know
I got clip from the Gilmore Girls people
talk very fast very fast it's the whole
world in fact where people talk very
very fast very quite quickly I do talk
very quickly you know why I'll get
cancelled any minute that's why dad I
get it out get it said get it done right
now say everything you need to say yeah
are you from I'm from the suburbs of
Washington DC oh yes I've heard of it
our nation's capital really your family
involved in government um my father was
a lobbyist and a lawyer and now he's
president of a company so yeah we have
like a reason you know to be there CIA
right an organization who some of whose
members were spies but if you knew my
father you don't know my father did I
we're married yeah any not to my dad
teeth that was the anyway that's not
allowed in most states no but there
there were spies in this is the thing
that he did but my father like doesn't
know where his keys are at any given
time like I grew up without I know I've
never had a house key because what's the
point you just lose them and my father
never locks the car because as he says
what's the point someone will just you
know punch the window in and break it so
why I lock it at all he sure sounds like
he's in government that's true yeah I
think what does your dad do now then
what is no spying anymore he's the
president of a trade association that
represents chocolate and candy do you
like chocolate um I like C's caramels
oh really yeah what's yours I like
really really really really dark
chocolate so that women in chocolate bitterness
but wit so if your woman was a chocolate
bar are you Barbara Walters if you were
a tree so but that must be hard though
if your women are bitter and gritty no
no because you warm them in a pond until
they're melted I have no idea what I
even said but you know it's sexy they
like to come to my place now warm you to
your melty I don't know is that creepy
or cool I'm not sure I have you spotted
creepy it's creepy I think it's creepy
because what if you did try to melt
somebody in a pan you know what I mean
you'd go to jail I do wonder what would happen
happen
[Music]
usually just chop people up they don't
serial killers funny no I'm not saying I
would you know I would try and show up
someone saying like it would be cut
something new to try it at milk we here
at CBS don't encourage serial killers so
you know this is a PSA we should do a
PSA hey do you like puppies do you like
little friendly things yes changing the
subject I do I love puppies and also
kittens oh yeah I think kittens and
you know what I play I like when you get
a photograph of a kitten yeah and it's
kind of like so focused and underneath
your right I love you yeah yeah and you
spell wuv da the show that's alright
we're very Douglas - oh I got it but I
stepped on it I'm sorry we got to take a break
break
welcome back everybody I'm here with
Lauren Grimm now Lauren you were talking
about what chocolate melt eNOS how you
like puppies yeah what about the sports
that you enjoy the sports I do I was
only ever good at horseback riding that
was really my only go I think we have a
I don't know it was it's an old clip
your hair was a different color and you
were taller and your DNA was completely
different but I love to ride but I'm
from a family of athletes and like
tennis players and stuff and they find
it hilarious like my uncle Edie
thinks it's really funny that I don't
hey Lauren want to play tennis you don't
go ahead Suns like a Jer
no he's honey no he's really nice
tonight he just finds the fact that I
don't play tennis buddy cuz they all
play and my dad's a great golfer and
tennis player and and basketball so my
dad was my basketball coach when I was
in junior high really I'm with you in
the basketball team yeah yeah really
yeah you must have been quite good I'm
just tall I'm just right I'm 12 are you
five nine that's not that tall these
days well it doesn't make for an
automatically good basketball player
tell you that well neither does tall
though I mean really you could buy tall
I wouldn't know one end of a ball from
well maybe perhaps not as bad as that
but you know what about the Pilates you
do it all the girls do them I don't know
no it's I like to run and I like to you
know do stuff like yoga it makes me mad
I like that yoga makes you mad and I
know that that's exactly the reason I
should do it or whatever but it just
makes me angry I do up going to the
class and namaste the whole thing it's
just some angry yeah I'm actually get a
bit annoyed just here yeah I want to be
on your site so I'm hitting it now as
well yeah that's good do the Pilates
yeah why do you hate it I don't know
well because I don't do it and things I
don't understand I don't like how dare
anyone do something that you don't do or
know do well exactly and it's pulleys
and things and also it's an exercise
where you're mainly lying down and like
what is that don't don't
I love [Music]
[Music]
I'm the kitten hanging on to the branch
do you ever hang a kitten from a branch
that's just too bad we have to go yeah
Minton's though I would never hang one
from a tree maybe the kid would just be
doing yoga and it would do it over seems
better I like our that's honest Lauren
Graham everybody [Applause]
but how are you my love your jacket and
your germs on your outfit your ensemble
attack shiny it's gorgeous
Thanks why'd you have cards I have a
card from you really yeah look what it
[Laughter]
we've met before
well you're hang on to that you'll
probably want to keep put in your
scrapbook these crap you don't well I
don't mean to laugh like it's a funny
thing that people do but it's kind of
funny don't you think Luke is America's
great pastime Hobie yes probably you
could keep all the clippings of the
Golden Girls YouTube I once had a sexy
dream about Bea Arthur
I think were gonna say about me about
the Arthur you have sexy dreams about
everyone who's we're talking about Sarah
Palin yeah sex yeah you've sexy dreams
about userís yeah yeah yeah oh you're
just making it up do they feel included
[Applause]
you're a different sexy dream there in
the sexy dream I know I know
I don't know I just the TV show ended
and then I just you know I've been doing
a couple to the movie you did a movie of
course yeah great it is it's very good
yes I've just been doing other stuff
it's been really nice did you take any
time off baby did ya well I just went to
Ireland with my dad you go trouble you
go drunk right well you know yes yeah
you know they do I mean I'm a virus
descent right and I don't want to malign
my people any further but boy can they
pour a glass like that to the top to the
top every time and everyone with the
Guinness at lunch you know and then you
get back on the bicycle is that against
the law no we did a trip that's why I
got back on the bicycle after the
Guinness took a bike trip around my dad
because he's like mister cyclist person
so if you want to spend time with him
you have to do like you know like
activities yeah yeah
why do you suit you're suspicious you
don't believe me I'm just I'm trying
though it might suspicious a roaring to
see how it works how long has your
father been cycling he's been cycling
for a while he like he didn't need to
lose any weight but he lost weight like
that really I'm gonna I am on it why
you're so handsome and I feel chubby you
do but let's go back to the handsome no let's
let's
you're handsome but why do you don't
feel like dealing you don't sometimes
when you feel a little laugh you know I
feel a little chubby yeah I feel like I
have to drop a few oh well I'm losing
weight - for any reason it's just like I
know we abused each other then that's
all about weight but so what will you do
for to address your issues cool that's
what I said well well maybe I won't at
all because it's really hard you have to
really be dedicated you need all the
gear and the hats and they're doing like
I can do little shorts you're gonna wear
little shorts I'm wearing them now
did you died we're done George
yeah he does yeah kind of weird now I
mean it's like psycho gear you know he's
what do you wear on the bike little
shorts yeah we're back it not him again
yeah except you know what takes the
second sexiness out of little shorts is
padding hey you see your boat I'll sail
well we went on this trip and it was
really fun and it rains a lot there yeah
I think I remember that in the debate
you bastard it rained a lot and then
also you know the TV show Golden Girls
that I was to the truth Karen show one
other character on the TV show the girl
who's your daughter is her name did we
know that you know then yeah now as
we've adapt Roley behaved bare oh yeah
sexy dream so anyway the TV show was
there and but people I don't know if
this is an Irish thing or whatever they
would never say oh I recognize you from
your TV show they'd say you know Pierce
Brosnan had his wedding here all actors
are friends with other actors you know
on the Golden Girls when I would say
things sometimes to my TV daughter yeah
say things like you know do you know you
know on the Waltons and she'd be like no
idea and so you never know but anyway so
I guess Pam Dawber from work and Mindy
was there right at one of the hotels
whatever I was at and that guy and she
was drinking Irish whiskey and she asked
the waiter this is the story he's
telling me just in case you lost me on
did you get it okay and just thing you
[Applause]
so she he said to me and you know she
asked me I mean I'm gonna show you the
accent especially in front of you she
she asked me where the whiskey was from
and he said I said I told her it was
from Orson as in Mork calling Orson
right yeah and I that was my reaction
and he goes she didn't get it either I
don't know when this happened no no all
right yeah we have to go we're
completely out of time we're talking
about no I'm just look I'm just trying
to get ends on a hammer to start by
being hammered defin you ever seen this
show we go right after the hammer thing
in that [ __ ] all right
oh but the movies great isn't it the
[Applause]
please welcome my first guest and I a
very good friend of the show the lovely
well so you wrote me a note and you put
it in my dressing room
yes I thought the people might like to
see what it says all right it says
welcome back Lauren this is your third
time here so you have to put out love friend
which is should I want to continue to be
on the show a fourth time what do I have
to do that let the pain so I can do that
card if you want so much and I just I
couldn't decide tonight if I was gonna
be sexy ghost or sexy maid or sexy
dental hygienist you're definitely sexy
something my point is that I don't like
when adults dressed up I it's just it's
so like it's just an excuse for girls to
you know the [ __ ] [ __ ] yeah I don't
know I don't know I'm scarred I think
watching which is actually true tell me
when you first start to think she was a
vampire well don't necessarily be a
villain that may just be someone who's
[Music]
I know she'll rub in your leg did you
have you got an injury no I think I
don't know what it is I'm just making
sure my kneecaps so their Halloween I
guess like what are you but you dressed
up all the time you love that no I do I
like ladies clothes but that's because
football right yeah one year I was a
coconut this was sort of damning
damaging 40 then I just said the word
that he said you can I said turn the
clocks back but I got it wrong I didn't
say clunks I forgot one of these one of
the more the more essential consonants
in the word clock you can see anytime
you like baby yes but perhaps there
would be a reason to turn those things
counting the flaming torches I've
started a club terrible terrible this
should be a prop we should be voting
about this on Tuesday right because you
cannot find a Halloween costume for a
large dog
oh sure if you have a little dog they
can be prisoners and witches and you
eighty-five pounds of long-haired German shepherds
Hanna but I didn't name her she's a
rescue somebody else named all right
well gordon's that's his name I rescued
them from the adorable puppy story David
have you ever tried to dress him up for
Halloween you kidneys a German you'll
well I care about my dog and I tried to
dress her up one year and there were
only there was really only one costume
that fit and he didn't even really fit
her and it was a lobster well the other
dogs pointing and laughing well no but I
mean I couldn't take her out she would
you know she wouldn't get any candy
dressed like that you got that job the
one you yeah what is it again tell me
it's the and Broadway you're going on
Broadway yes I'm going to be doing Guys
and Dolls on Broadway no do you want to
play him just go to sky and guys those
hey look the lady I wish you would come
Oliver Platt is in the show he's
wonderful yeah and we don't know so
maybe there's still time do you want to
sing right now for the people who are
listening see how you do you know the
partner musical world their little way
walks on and doesn't know where that
money's gonna come yeah I mean I
auditioned and everything and I worked
really hard yeah it's sort of where I
started I did a lot of musicals when I
was younger and and in summer stock and
you know I learned a new musical every
two weeks and so yeah have not no yeah
no no you get to go to all the swanky oh
you do all this one I get to go to the
CBS comas away you get the minestrone [Music]
everybody talks about it being so great
because they say no I Love New York
College there I have a place there and
I'm really excited to go there well then
you you better get off it you better
leave take a break all right [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
but the big Halloween's Eve show where
we're getting ready for Halloween by
dressed up as a guy dressing up as a
geography teacher alright kids today
we're gonna talk about France it's over
there people live in it get out my my
first guest tonight a my I always like
at Halloween very beautiful actress a
good friend of the show is very very
lovely Lauren Graham everybody [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Music]
Wow you look sensational boots yeah I'm
for Halloween I'm dressing as preppy
dominate do what she tells you but it's
okay if you don't want to
she's preppy dominate sir I like perky sadism
sadism
by the way parasitism is the name I used
to die so these these are me I yeah
where'd that amazing they touch them
it's nice as the oh it's lovely it's
like a sofa it's like you're wearing a
suit on your legs won't be sexier than
that nice sofas of sexy a lot of good
stuff happens and sofas like Springs and
Cotton's in them you know okay the now
you famously love Halloween more than
any other holiday don't you
I hate tell me so much
I know and this year it's an especial
and a special it's especially hideous
for me personally because I have to go
to a party and dress up that's why
everybody doesn't Halloween mr. Scrooge
wear your boots nothing else there's a
costume there you're damn right as you
can see what if I have to get gas or something
go to fill service [Applause]
[Applause]
you'll get full server-side away so are
you gonna go as then I don't know I
don't know no I know it just reminds me
when I didn't have a Halloween costume
as a kid and um and I so I made one up
and do you want to know what it was
no okay yeah I like rat I took my dad's
Brown cable knit sweater and I rode
horses and I had my brown riding hat and
I took myself in the sweater and I tried
to roll across the gym cuz I was a coconut
that's adorable
why don't you do that again the
Halloween buttery beaver put butter in
your hair no margarine you know for what
to dress up as Dracula you even watch
the show you do watch this show right
don't watch it when I'm on it cuz I who
could who could do that do you watch
your own self I guess you have to know
no I can't
you can't right no it's like listening
to your voice on a tape or reading your
own write nor looking at your own Underpants
Underpants
you must have to do all those things but
I'm faced with a pair of Underpants I
get them on a steak and I take them out
the backyard and I burn them why are you
so angry angry at them it's just time
for them to go [Music]
[Music]
after one use one use I have a
spectacularly flatulent man is it just
cuz you're sick right now
sure no I'm a little bit far - you know
it's farty as you know like Larry King
who's by God afar to see the fartiest
person you've ever met no yeah who I
away your boots I can't remember wait
but look you wrote this book I did write
that book what look here's a clue
there's a picture of me in the cover
my name's Rhett now is this a quiz no
but I wanted to talk about because they
came to your book party I remember I saw
you there that was there too I know you
wrote it and you told me that I was not
in this book
you're not Craig where did you find
yourself in the but where's is it gray
here's where I am and was and is a great
talker she's funny and interested in
I have no idea I'd written such a lame
book fantastic because you have to
change the names to protect the innocent
all right wait I just have two more only
to thank you by the way I have like ten
more but I cut it down the landlord
Tommy was an Irish fella and a terrific
or you really like this don't you you
really think you've got something going
who offered a great idea and I'm really
gonna go that's my very expensive
bookmarks Betty has been on TV as long
as the medium has existed slight
exaggeration and she possesses without
doubt the finest comedic timing of any
human being I've ever seen in movies TV
that was so nice of you it's amazing you
managed to sport yourself I thought so
many times yeah well I talked about your
love the fever coming on right now
a little bit what kind of fever cuz
those boots are getting me in some kind
of boots that are like a sofa fever yeah
like a sofa starring Lauren Graham why
is our porn music so terrible you think
they go all that trouble of making
everything else great why would the
booze akan yeah everything else is so
great to know what the last time I saw a
porn well after I paid for it and waited
for it to come up on the hotel they I
that's much better let than my show
did you feel like people looked better
and more youthful they did be clearly
dead and also the general lighting was
bad and actually - was the music no
disrespect but it was do you think that
a sign of being coming older is when
you're watching a porn movie that you
paid for in a hotel room and you're
noticing the lighting in the music new
what's even worse amigo when you watch
are you a big fan of pornography - you
yeah I like Christmas I'm not you know
evil evil I'm not really a dominatrix
they hate Christmas I would know I'm
like tearing up wine I don't think I
have I'm just I've got smoking for sure
I'm the guinea pig
if I ends up with it then you know you
had it yeah I don't think I have it but
I've got what everybody else has got
which is a swine flu fever swine flu fever
fever
I've got sway to the fever I panicked
about the swine flu I don't necessarily
have it I'm just scared I have it you
know you have to do if to rinse your
nose out with salt water do do that all
the time really what's the thing you
have to notice my nose my everywhere I
can get to that's so weird because
you're still so farty you'd think you'd
clean it up I'm not really that farty
how long have you been sitting here
talking to me long enough to smell that
you're fine I'm saying if you're gonna
talk about pornography and farting then
you know well it's not really your best
foot forward is it hey it's knowing your audience
if you don't mind me saying maybe on the
gilmoregirls a bit more fart eNOS that's
all I'm saying
there is a nice lady over there who's
like farting I don't know I feel it bad
now oh yeah I hope my eye is always
drawn to the person who hates me
sometimes I meet I just did a musical on
the Broadway you know the Broadway yeah
I mean in the New York City in the New
York City Manhattan and what was the
musical well hey you sent me flowers on
opening night which was so so sweet of
you to the degree that I figured it
couldn't possibly have been you who did
it because I've just like lived in LA
too long so I when I saw you recently I
said do you know that you sent me
flowers and he said yes and then and
then who's the idiot me but um you can
only what was I gonna say no
right oh you probably didn't know that
of course I said you father said and I
remember what I wrote on them to you
good happy opening night you don't even
remember what did you say good luck on
your own
which PS is bad luck in the theater
everybody knows that that's why I said
I can't remember what I wrote but it was
something anyone Broadway and but the
point is that you can you always look
into the audience and see the person
who's like and I mean you know people
people come to rest there no kid yet
yeah yes they and it's very loud in the
house but they do come and just sleep
and sleep and you know we see those
people and their cell phones go off and
full-circle
oh that's beautiful it's poetic and
we're finished now is the end of the
time you have to talk it is it's always
it's always an issue with me how to get
to the commercial without looking cheesy
well you could just really depress your
you [Music]
[Music]
tonight on a very special Late Late Show
the part of Nadine the sexy English cat
why to do everybody I'm very excited I
got a girlfriend why don't you come on
and shiki
telling me money come on my name's
Nadine Nadine where are you from honey I
mean I know this but I'm just asking you
sort of the folks on TV hey everybody
they know where you're from so wait tell
them why you from honey I'm from London
England in the Europe really don't you
think Nadine you you've got to choose an
myself lady speaking in an English
accent very difficult for me to speak
you without one to talk with that
horrible southern accent but son don't
cross me baby
I love you honey and you're cute but I
will eat you I will make shoes out of
baby I love it when you talk dirty will
you wrap around that little firm waste
yeah yes hey hey hey Nadine do you enjoy
the work of Josh Groban oh yes he's got
lovely hair are we talking about the
same dude here
I'm talking about John's girl you know
the prayer that guy you know there's
just singer guy I loves me some English
girl I was enjoy doing the English girls
what they did to Scotland [Laughter]
[Laughter]
know what I'm saying no I'm just from
England all right what are you doing in LA
LA
honey are you are you looking for work
yeah try to be an actress or you know a
cat yes I'm trying to be a bicycle
messenger you really didn't think that
English bicycle messenger cat Nellie
with you you have to have an imagination
yeah but hey don't be mean on yourself
now you know what daddy likes I like a
little junk in the trunk yeah I like a
little juice in the caboose you know
what I'm saying yeah that's right you
know what daddy likes hey come on let's
get out of here I want to take you a
little place I know that the cops don't
[Applause] [Music]
so funny sometimes it sounds English
sometimes it sounds Pakistani I will
make you into luggage so why don't you
think of the show tonight you enjoy the
the kind of desperate middle-aged white
guy Ferguson you like I love him very much
much
oh yeah yeah yeah is he from the same
part of the world as you because the
accents seem so very different no he's
from someplace different yeah what part
come on sweet baby baby no I'm begging
you baby [Music]
don't leave me I love you alligator I
why to do no no don't I know many
evenings I come out here with a sort of
devil-may-care zy de vivre yeah I speak
French get over it [ __ ] so you know but
what you've been seeing is a facade
these are the tears of a clown crocodile
tears if you will because I'm really
hurting inside I don't know if you know
that some time ago I told you that I had
a girl a girl that I loved her name was
Nadine and she was from England but and
but [Music]
my baby lady my pee bee hi hello lovely
to see you again [Laughter]
I told the folks at home baby that that
I ate you yeah ain't she cute emphatic
so here's the thing I told him that cuz
I was embarrassed to tell him the truth
baby oh please alright I was kind of
hoping you'd tell him baby
all right well yeah that's Ruthie's yeah
you didn't eat me at all that's true [Music]
[Music]
yeah yeah what can I say you know I'm
part of European now listen the thing
wise that Nadine left man went to Europe
and I was embarrassed to tell you cuz I
wanted you to think I was cool and that
no girl could ever break my heart but
they didn't broke my heart and I didn't
want to say that and now that she's come
back to me everything's cool right baby
yes it's lovely very nice yeah are you
he said just sound like one of them
infomercial dudes man
no I don't care about Hoover's and their
I say say hi to the folks I just wanted
to let you know we'll be right back with
a needy and give me a kiss [Music]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
lovely what lovely hair and shoes you have
have
that's not what you said at the break
and your breasts are attractive too
you do look nice and you playing
somebody's mom in this show yeah
teenagers mom that doesn't make any
sense he knew Drew's mom really yeah
it's true I don't don't make anything so
you're still at the acting then yes
because you won't let me come and be
your co-host I would love you to be my
co you want a skeleton on a bicycle or
whatever yeah where is it all done here
hold on man here's one left over from
thank you sir alright alright yeah look
this is the kind of thing I'm after this
is not really you I just don't
understand it what kind of breasts does
also I'm not no he's gonna be a dude
it's gonna be a robot skeleton I don't
know it says robots go and they're
asexual I have chosen a name for him
what is the same you ready
yeah no I haven't told anybody this I've
chosen a name for my robot-skeleton
sidekick okay Jeff Peterson I think I
dated him
do you give people D are you on the
Twitter no but somebody I think maybe
several people pretending to be me are
on the Twitter so how am i doing I do I
used to get better that's why I mean on
oh yeah yeah yeah but now you're
obsessed with it and your kind of gone crazy
crazy
no no only a little more than usual I'm
just trying to have a good time I know I
just want robots galas and stuff
tell me the fun you're having on the
Twitter are you having a good time it's
all right something learn really jerks
though oh really must do email I don't
do anything on to the Facebook or
anything I'm too sensitive I can't take
it what about writing do you ever -
what about reading you ever read this
thing you know right stewing they should
be Oh have you have you ever shot a
what you just said [ __ ] one of it won't
sawed one like you know you put a shoe
on a horse one of your fabulous shoes
are just a regular horse shoe do you
compliment him on his breast
then don't compliment a horse on his breast
no I I was a worst person growing up and
I have shot a horse that's actually
quite hard sure dingo horses yeah I mean
yeah being a horse shotting let's just
go this shot anyway but what how is the
Twitter going do you still ride around
on horses like you go to work on a horse
yeah it goes with the stonemasonry I
pull up to the gate I can't even do it
how do you pull up to the gate at work
on your horse
hey there's my ID I remember you from
do you actually have a horse then do you
write around no I did as a kid I worked
in a barn and I you know rode every day
Wow it's what I thought I was gonna do
with my life and then what happened I
don't know show business traveling
circus that came through time Batavia
maybe a handsome Acrobat no I just I got
you know in the school play
riding and yeah it was gonna be a
Mounted Police person or or a jockey but
mmm wasn't gonna work out and so then
yeah I just said those were my choices
cuz I can't type it was stonemason the
horse person jockey bunted police person
they're actors yeah yeah thank god this
kind of is working you know it's working
it well and it's Rowan Howard and the
Brian Grazer that's the one
like that actually his hair is
great now I've been salted two of my
boss yeah that's right
we'll get to how much before the
commercial break Ron Howard's like the
nicest person it's crazy gets so nervous
because he's so nice and I'm so sorry
I'm afraid I'm gonna deeply offend him
with my life you know hey that you know
like whatever I do you're gonna you're
gonna scare one of the most powerful men
in Hollywood with your double cuz I
can't can't I don't know how to be if I
can't be sarcastic I don't know what to
say is that sarcastic there when you say
no yes oh he's so nice he's so nice and
it makes me nervous but do you know
she's nice yeah yeah I mean wouldn't
know it could just be an act what may be
an act for you maybe maybe he is not
nice why don't you just for me what cuz
he's afraid to the tube that's good it's
very I was a bit scared there yeah do
you know I always wanted to be blonde -
well let's do it for a night can we go
over tonight I mean apparently if
there's enough people on Twitter can a
Twitter on my for you know on my behalf
to you since I'm not on the Twitter it
can be answering your tortoise
I do a whole show to do it you can do it
all day and then on the show you can
answer some of my Twitter's just about
all right but only but only because of
rain tonight
we're completely Italian which kind of
bothers me a bit I know well I just
haven't seen you nearly enough right but
do what should we what I mean what are
the options you're in charge well it's a
[Applause]
as well but he thinks I'm gonna bump the
second guess that I do you know that I
just have to tell you that I was bumped
this morning I've been doing press this
morning yeah for a veterinarian in
[Laughter]
laughing muttering but it was a live
kind of you know satellite thing and
they kept saying you know hold on hold
on and then the vet was taking calls
about the puppy that's pneumonia and
then they were like we're out of time
for your of you and your Parenthood show
[Applause]
all right we'll check the emails and the
[Applause]
humans did you wear that last time you
were on the show No
lovely hair lovely shoes don't talk
about my boobs okay hey you just rang
the doorbell and then Ronon you didn't
even wait for me to answer the door back
didn't understand very familiar with
this house and I just let myself in the
door all right because there's a lot of
needy people out there that need advice
all right all right this is from
Michelle and Brentwood Tennessee all
right she says hey Craig I'm a 19 year
old college student and never had a
boyfriend do you have any advice to
attract men well this is more one for
[Applause]
what's her name let's help her out all
right I don't care about her of course I
do Michelle yeah yeah well you should
eventually that's true but oftimes in
college at age 19 sometimes I'm not your
advice like pad the broad bleached
blonde and let's go no no no my advice -
Michelle is be happy with yourself and
[Applause]
we'll get that later all right here's
another one this is another email all
right all right this is from Cheryl
infared Ananda Beach in Florida
fern Edina Fernandina that's what man
have you ever been to Ferdinand Denise
no but there's that Abba song Fernandina
because I'm on the T in the V the teen
the V yeah yeah what's that
this TV just crap at night it's not TV
it's crap at night the Cheryl says dear
Craig have you ever been on a ghost tour
if so where when I have have you been on
a ghost I don't even understand what
that is is it a tour of with the led by
ghosts or is it a tour where you go and
see ghosts which is stupid because
everybody knows you can't see ghosts
unless they want you to or is it or is
I don't know they didn't say which one you can't be specific we can help ya
you can't be specific we can help ya alright this is a Twitter this is from
alright this is a Twitter this is from Joe and state colleges no this is the
Joe and state colleges no this is the missus CBS's way of telling me to
missus CBS's way of telling me to Twitter they put a picture of a bird on
Twitter they put a picture of a bird on it they don't think highly of me here
it they don't think highly of me here anyway Joe and State College he says
anyway Joe and State College he says want to join my fraternity mates in
want to join my fraternity mates in Lauderdale for spring break I can't go
Lauderdale for spring break I can't go well spring break I'm usually you know
well spring break I'm usually you know in Miami Beach yeah together with the 19
in Miami Beach yeah together with the 19 year old college no probably join State
year old college no probably join State College isn't quite the sophisticated
College isn't quite the sophisticated debonair man about Tony thanks Spring
debonair man about Tony thanks Spring Break let's send her to ghost tour how
Break let's send her to ghost tour how do you know how can you be so sure even
do you know how can you be so sure even look at it they're all the tweets though
look at it they're all the tweets though the kiss on the tweeting not as good as
the kiss on the tweeting not as good as the emailing kids sometimes that happens
the emailing kids sometimes that happens there's no real you know system here am
there's no real you know system here am I gonna get in trouble with the tweet
I gonna get in trouble with the tweet people holding something
I'm afraid of them they all look like birds someone's on the Twitter you see
birds someone's on the Twitter you see someone walking down the street yeah did
someone walking down the street yeah did you see that film the birds yeah that's
you see that film the birds yeah that's scary that felt really scary have you
scary that felt really scary have you only just seen it yeah like 1961 yeah
only just seen it yeah like 1961 yeah they're all there I missed it for some
they're all there I missed it for some reason yeah yeah when I just saw it do
reason yeah yeah when I just saw it do you know what else is scary jaws jaws is
you know what else is scary jaws jaws is terrifying
terrifying hey you I like enjoys though see when
hey you I like enjoys though see when they they have that guy this is we're
they they have that guy this is we're gonna need a bigger boat
gonna need a bigger boat yeah that's a rod steiger no sure man
yeah that's a rod steiger no sure man but the guy that plays Quentin is Robert
but the guy that plays Quentin is Robert Shaw Robert Shaw yeah yeah yeah so
I like you because do you know who was involved in that movie who many people
really thought you were gonna say something soon as I and then I got you
something soon as I and then I got you the end of myself soon there was a but
the end of myself soon there was a but there was nothing there Steven Spielberg
there was nothing there Steven Spielberg Steven Spielberg was involved and that
Steven Spielberg was involved and that was when they said we're gonna have to
was when they said we're gonna have to close the beaches in the fourth of July
close the beaches in the fourth of July and everybody's like crazy yeah that's
and everybody's like crazy yeah that's my favorite bet the luck we're doing the
my favorite bet the luck we're doing the last email no this is from Taylor in
last email no this is from Taylor in Tampa in Florida okay today yeah but
Tampa in Florida okay today yeah but Florida today in the morning show oh hey
Florida today in the morning show oh hey do you wear adult diapers finally we
do you wear adult diapers finally we should have a morning show
should have a morning show I like the day morning show then you'd
I like the day morning show then you'd be up late and up early though oh yeah
be up late and up early though oh yeah cuz this is line
that wasn't a joke by the way I really thank God when you're not kidding you're
thank God when you're not kidding you're funny cuz you're so funny
funny cuz you're so funny you be careful all right this is from
you be careful all right this is from Taylor in Tampa in Florida who says hi
Taylor in Tampa in Florida who says hi Craig I'm a huge fan from Saudi Arabia I
Craig I'm a huge fan from Saudi Arabia I thought she was gonna say I'm a huge fan
thought she was gonna say I'm a huge fan of Saudi Arabia yeah and I think well
of Saudi Arabia yeah and I think well you get the wrong address I'm a huge fan
you get the wrong address I'm a huge fan from Saudi Arabia I was wondering if you
from Saudi Arabia I was wondering if you had the chance to come to Saudi Arabia
had the chance to come to Saudi Arabia would you if I had the chance to go to
would you if I had the chance to go to Saudi Arabia would I and why well cuz
Saudi Arabia would I and why well cuz you were invited that's one reason
you were invited that's one reason mm-hmm you know there's a lot of people
mm-hmm you know there's a lot of people who just want you to come with them
who just want you to come with them places you know like on spring break
places you know like on spring break yeah that's right yeah and Saudi
yeah that's right yeah and Saudi Arabians they won't be there yeah they
Arabians they won't be there yeah they wouldn't be there for spring break yeah
wouldn't be there for spring break yeah spring break in Saudi Arabia not that
spring break in Saudi Arabia not that exciting whoa I'm not doing anything
exciting whoa I'm not doing anything yeah
[Applause] no I think Saudi Arabia is not the big
no I think Saudi Arabia is not the big spring break destination this year right
spring break destination this year right yeah well where are you gonna go I mean
yeah well where are you gonna go I mean you should pick a fan and do what they
you should pick a fan and do what they say you know why else would you be on
say you know why else would you be on the Twitter and the email on this stuff
the Twitter and the email on this stuff if you're not gonna ultimately be like
if you're not gonna ultimately be like all right I'll go well maybe one day I
all right I'll go well maybe one day I will let's see yeah all right well would
will let's see yeah all right well would you like to go somewhere with me for
you like to go somewhere with me for Spring Break listen we'll be back with
Spring Break listen we'll be back with adult diapers
please welcome the lovely learn [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
thank you I show you that they just hobbled across in some in some last
hobbled across in some in some last minute shoes cuz this is what I was
minute shoes cuz this is what I was supposed to wear but when you put your
supposed to wear but when you put your shoe on it's not supposed to go like
shoe on it's not supposed to go like that oh just just so you guys know you
that oh just just so you guys know you know it's a safety tip throw on some
know it's a safety tip throw on some shoes that I can't walk in can I keep
shoes that I can't walk in can I keep this yeah what tiny little feet you have
this yeah what tiny little feet you have I don't have tiny little feet yes you do
I don't have tiny little feet yes you do miss you can keep your balance I know in
miss you can keep your balance I know in such a dainty flower yeah no you better
such a dainty flower yeah no you better hang on to that because I wouldn't go
hang on to that because I wouldn't go for ones though fine or leave it turned
for ones though fine or leave it turned up the other way is a great joke with me
up the other way is a great joke with me yeah yeah
how are you look sensational you look terrible are you really have to stop
terrible are you really have to stop making out I know but but if we both
making out I know but but if we both have a cause probably because we had sex
have a cause probably because we had sex with each other maybe everybody does
with each other maybe everybody does this all that time do that all the time
this all that time do that all the time don't they I am really sick yeah
don't they I am really sick yeah wonderful job you're very good at your
wonderful job you're very good at your job wait what do you want
job wait what do you want [Applause]
[Applause] you could tell me about the movie I
you could tell me about the movie I never asked you for your movies I want
never asked you for your movies I want to hear about it well
wait this is the thing that I was going to talk about your ring look I have
to talk about your ring look I have solid gold knuckles Wow it's a it's it's
solid gold knuckles Wow it's a it's it's a ring and it's on two fingers I know is
a ring and it's on two fingers I know is that crazy my fingers are attached to
that crazy my fingers are attached to each other like in finger handcuffs
each other like in finger handcuffs finger cuffs yeah is it is that some
finger cuffs yeah is it is that some kind of weird sex thing that is like all
kind of weird sex thing that is like all that's on your mind today
that's on your mind today maybe all the time
maybe all the time [Music]
[Music] I mean guys think of it sakes quite low
I mean guys think of it sakes quite low it probably yeah like how many times a
it probably yeah like how many times a day do you think once all day though I
think you are probably thinking about it most of the time yeah I nearly said a
most of the time yeah I nearly said a bad word then yeah and I thought yeah
bad word then yeah and I thought yeah I'm going to try and do the whole show
I'm going to try and do the whole show without cussing but no I do you think
without cussing but no I do you think about sex a lot I do but it is more
about sex a lot I do but it is more specific I don't say it's like I'm you
specific I don't say it's like I'm you know like sometimes during the day I'm
know like sometimes during the day I'm like oh those shoes are pretty or
like oh those shoes are pretty or whatever you know and then I go back to
whatever you know and then I go back to thinking about it very similar to me all
thinking about it very similar to me all the way oh those shoes are pretty I'm
the way oh those shoes are pretty I'm gonna follow him and keep going yeah or
gonna follow him and keep going yeah or those shoes are pretty I could wear them
those shoes are pretty I could wear them whilst having sex
whilst having sex Oh so anyway Oh who's that it's money oh
Oh so anyway Oh who's that it's money oh that's a picture of my son there I take
that's a picture of my son there I take a picture of my son there I do this job
a picture of my son there I do this job oh that's nice I stepped on your nice
oh that's nice I stepped on your nice sentiment by like babbling to remind you
sentiment by like babbling to remind you why you do this job
my fingers are in handcuffs I can barely pay attention yeah look I go do you want
pay attention yeah look I go do you want to play the most organ with me okay all
to play the most organ with me okay all right then
here it's a sanitized one could you play that kind yeah I don't know let's see
that kind yeah I don't know let's see why does it have so much wrapping on it
why does it have so much wrapping on it to keep it safe from staphylococci
to keep it safe from staphylococci didn't work because you're really sick
didn't work because you're really sick I'm a little bit sick oh you're saying
I'm a little bit sick oh you're saying it yeah mine is really fun I like - I'm
it yeah mine is really fun I like - I'm gonna take it with me I don't know which
gonna take it with me I don't know which side it goes like this yeah that's right
side it goes like this yeah that's right can you play it yeah okay right anyway
can you play it yeah okay right anyway go what
[Music] I'm accompanying you
I'm accompanying you [Laughter]
[Laughter] [Music]
[Applause] shoot marks that's what everybody you
shoot marks that's what everybody you start that trade then holy we'll do it
start that trade then holy we'll do it the new shoe purse like pass that would
the new shoe purse like pass that would be like that's not my shoe purse was buy
be like that's not my shoe purse was buy cocaine in it
all righty I'm gonna do it yeah do you ever do that you ever like go to Vegas
ever do that you ever like go to Vegas with other people's cocaine no I no no
with other people's cocaine no I no no so what you've seen is you always take
so what you've seen is you always take your own cocaine exactly yeah you're not
your own cocaine exactly yeah you're not a big druggie are you know what if now
a big druggie are you know what if now is the time I chose to tell you that I
is the time I chose to tell you that I was may not have to bump the next guest
was may not have to bump the next guest I start crying yeah it wouldn't be that
I start crying yeah it wouldn't be that funny though for the late-night for the
funny though for the late-night for the kids you know watching no some of them
kids you know watching no some of them are quite sadistic they may they may be
are quite sadistic they may they may be like uh-huh yeah yeah yeah though I
like uh-huh yeah yeah yeah though I don't know no no no you're one viewer my
don't know no no no you're one viewer my view yeah is it a man or a woman who
view yeah is it a man or a woman who you're one in my head it's a lady yeah
you're one in my head it's a lady yeah yeah what does she look like she's
yeah what does she look like she's wearing boots yeah
wearing boots yeah maybe just one was the other one broke
maybe just one was the other one broke yeah this is really twisted do you ever
yeah this is really twisted do you ever think about who's watching you on TV yes
think about who's watching you on TV yes I guess so I mean people come up so they
I guess so I mean people come up so they often I get to meet them and and see
often I get to meet them and and see them but I I'm still surprised and I
them but I I'm still surprised and I just will I when I do what I do I in my
just will I when I do what I do I in my mind it's sort of like gold on it's
mind it's sort of like gold on it's gonna blow I'm getting there
gonna blow I'm getting there [Laughter]
[Laughter] oh wow we must be free no my fingers my
oh wow we must be free no my fingers my fingers alright
not over there I never I don't believe that it actually airs it's always
that it actually airs it's always shocking to me when it does like as far
shocking to me when it does like as far as I'm concerned my day of work is over
as I'm concerned my day of work is over I might as well be in the theater I'm
I might as well be in the theater I'm like oh that was a good performance or
like oh that was a good performance or bad or whatever and then when people see
bad or whatever and then when people see it and then talk about it and then it's
it and then talk about it and then it's on the TV I'm still surprised well you
on the TV I'm still surprised well you better get used to it I think it's
better get used to it I think it's better that I live in the weird world
better that I live in the weird world that I live in like I don't read any
that I live in like I don't read any entertainment stuff so I'm just playing
entertainment stuff so I'm just playing along with the Paris Hilton cocaine
along with the Paris Hilton cocaine thing I don't even know what that is I
thing I don't even know what that is I mean it didn't seem that surprising so
mean it didn't seem that surprising so but I didn't read it
what if you have to spread your fingers quickly
[Music] [Applause]
that's my this is my first time with Jeff oh yeah when you were your last
Jeff oh yeah when you were your last name that swimmy announced Jeff's name
name that swimmy announced Jeff's name yeah yeah that's right
yeah yeah that's right Wow look how far you've come craigers
Wow look how far you've come craigers for you get it cuz graham-cracker yeah
for you get it cuz graham-cracker yeah that's great Jeff yeah really really
that's great Jeff yeah really really good yeah let's be sarcastic yeah we'll
good yeah let's be sarcastic yeah we'll be like the mean kids at school yeah
be like the mean kids at school yeah that was great
why can't I be Jeff you can get fired I [Music]
[Music] don't know you can do that hand movement
yam you ya know knock it off this is true right the census let him do the
true right the census let him do the hand movement because if I do it looks
hand movement because if I do it looks like a masturbator II gesture yeah but
like a masturbator II gesture yeah but if he doesn't he's allowed to do it
if he doesn't he's allowed to do it because he clearly doesn't have any
lawyers coming down short legs like well he's a skeleton so he doesn't have a you
he's a skeleton so he doesn't have a you know that business so it's alright
know that business so it's alright and like skeletons are like but he's
and like skeletons are like but he's become like their spokesperson think how
become like their spokesperson think how happy they're they needed one for so
happy they're they needed one for so long there'll be a parade of skeletons
long there'll be a parade of skeletons we're here we're boning what else could
we're here we're boning what else could he do that we couldn't do we don't think
he do that we couldn't do we don't think about it now for punches oh my god might
about it now for punches oh my god might like a list all right yeah I'll get
like a list all right yeah I'll get working over next time you come maybe
working over next time you come maybe you can get some mouth organ lessons as
you can get some mouth organ lessons as well you can do it your own I'm very
well you can do it your own I'm very good how's your Parenthood thing going
good how's your Parenthood thing going oh it's good it's fun yeah yeah it's I
oh it's good it's fun yeah yeah it's I feel sad when we actually talk about
feel sad when we actually talk about work we've run out of well that's
work we've run out of well that's usually when I'm waiting things up oh
usually when I'm waiting things up oh yeah
if your kids I know oh you take Madison for your cold no I don't take anything
for your cold no I don't take anything for anything I just complain and whine
for anything I just complain and whine and why do that I know no two men
and why do that I know no two men complain more than women yeah oh are you
complain more than women yeah oh are you kidding
kidding yeah yes maybe there's women complain
yeah yes maybe there's women complain all the time so you don't know is when
all the time so you don't know is when they're sick haven't I
they're sick haven't I [Applause]
[Applause] what if I punched you with my brass gold
what if I punched you with my brass gold knuckles you can if you want okay I'm
knuckles you can if you want okay I'm very sorry you're stuck I think you're
very sorry you're stuck I think you're gonna be better very soon I think I'm
gonna be better very soon I think I'm alright I think I'm on demand how about
alright I think I'm on demand how about you yeah they use do you think
you yeah they use do you think everything it works no I think I've sort
everything it works no I think I've sort of like licked it before it ever
of like licked it before it ever happened I'm sad that we had to
happened I'm sad that we had to encourage him though I was giving him an
encourage him though I was giving him an operative came down hard on him and so I
operative came down hard on him and so I was just giving him a freebie babe you
was just giving him a freebie babe you you're pretty good with him you two
you're pretty good with him you two should maybe take that in the road I
should maybe take that in the road I think that you should let me do Jeff the
think that you should let me do Jeff the robots job just one night as your fee
robots job just one night as your fee and we'll tweet on the tweeter of the
and we'll tweet on the tweeter of the pool and have a poll of who's gonna win
pool and have a poll of who's gonna win it's gonna be Jeff but I want to do it
it's gonna be Jeff but I want to do it anyway well I think we should do Jeff
anyway well I think we should do Jeff has to do a red carpet event soon yeah
has to do a red carpet event soon yeah he does red carpet thanks that we Santa
he does red carpet thanks that we Santa it's in my continuing attempt to
it's in my continuing attempt to deconstruct this enormous mess that we
deconstruct this enormous mess that we call show business by sending robots
call show business by sending robots that are you know pre-recorded to red
that are you know pre-recorded to red carpet events to show you how that's all
carpet events to show you how that's all a pile of tootsie fruitsie yeah
a pile of tootsie fruitsie yeah but no one's caught on yet let me get
but no one's caught on yet let me get Jeff for five minutes over on ET or
Jeff for five minutes over on ET or whatever yeah yeah well well well we're
whatever yeah yeah well well well we're done are we
done are we not forever though okay till when so
not forever though okay till when so when you want to come back you'd be here
when you want to come back you'd be here anything you want all right yeah you can
anything you want all right yeah you can no you can't yeah I know I know
no you can't yeah I know I know monogram everybody
please welcome the adorable Lauren crane [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Applause] well Lord I have to tell you I've known
well Lord I have to tell you I've known you for a number of years now and you've
you for a number of years now and you've always looked good but tonight for some
always looked good but tonight for some reason you look better than ever you're
reason you look better than ever you're now yes you were
now yes you were your dress is stripy yeah and your hair
your dress is stripy yeah and your hair has a certain puffiness about yeah look
has a certain puffiness about yeah look it'll come off if I do that I like it I
it'll come off if I do that I like it I think it looks cute I think you just
think it looks cute I think you just think I look cute because my dress is
think I look cute because my dress is sharp sharp few people know it's only a
sharp sharp few people know it's only a wee one don't you know it's just a
wee one don't you know it's just a shorty that's just like a restart the
shorty that's just like a restart the person coming up yeah I took the we
person coming up yeah I took the we sharp person's dress but I'm very tall I
sharp person's dress but I'm very tall I put it on and then it was we sharp I
put it on and then it was we sharp I think it you can see lots of loads of
think it you can see lots of loads of yarn that you can't see any of the bed I
yarn that you can't see any of the bed I can't even legal you can't you're not
can't even legal you can't you're not allowed to see any of that now but now I
allowed to see any of that now but now I have to move and sit like this
have to move and sit like this Wow I'm not gazing at parts of you I am
Wow I'm not gazing at parts of you I am a little bit yeah I'm totally checking
a little bit yeah I'm totally checking you out
you out thanks yeah well I mean that's you know
thanks yeah well I mean that's you know why you do it
why you do it you know women said that they dress for
you know women said that they dress for other women I know that you know no I
other women I know that you know no I dress for myself so that I feel good in
dress for myself so that I feel good in my inner self I thought that was yoga
my inner self I thought that was yoga yeah do you do yoga no I don't like yoga
yeah do you do yoga no I don't like yoga it makes me angry I don't know the whole
it makes me angry I don't know the whole thing it's so slow and you have to like
thing it's so slow and you have to like do partner things with other people and
do partner things with other people and they're all sweaty and you have to
they're all sweaty and you have to pretend like you like them I don't like
pretend like you like them I don't like it that's just Tuesdays yeah I don't
it that's just Tuesdays yeah I don't like it's not really for me I run I'm
like it's not really for me I run I'm like a runner really yeah running you're
like a runner really yeah running you're we shower dress yeah I what accent I'm
we shower dress yeah I what accent I'm doing but I'm gonna keep doing it I run
doing but I'm gonna keep doing it I run in my way shark sharks do you wear short
in my way shark sharks do you wear short shorts like 70 shorty shorts yeah yeah
shorts like 70 shorty shorts yeah yeah they're the most comfortable to run in
they're the most comfortable to run in is there anymore the place I could come
is there anymore the place I could come to see you running my treadmill in my
to see you running my treadmill in my house
house gets out here I'd be a little weird what
gets out here I'd be a little weird what would you like to come and run in the
would you like to come and run in the treadmill in my basement okay why is it
treadmill in my basement okay why is it in the basement because apparently I'm a
in the basement because apparently I'm a serial killer how do you watch the movie
serial killer how do you watch the movie Silence of the Lambs oh yeah I've seen
Silence of the Lambs oh yeah I've seen it over and over why it's always on
it over and over why it's always on cable table watch it and then I just
cable table watch it and then I just watch for the that guy's such a good
watch for the that guy's such a good actor but then you could never picture
actor but then you could never picture him as anybody else right then that do
him as anybody else right then that do you ever think that when you're acting
you ever think that when you're acting you think I better not be too good here
you think I better not be too good here or I wouldn't work for a long time
or I wouldn't work for a long time afterwards I'm always trying not to be
afterwards I'm always trying not to be too good this is what I do here oh don't
too good this is what I do here oh don't be good and then they'll feel sorry for
be good and then they'll feel sorry for you I'd laugh anyway you're very good
you I'd laugh anyway you're very good you know that no no I feel so good Craig
you know that no no I feel so good Craig you're really good at your job
sooo Tarrant where's this thing you're doing this is a new thing with your
doing this is a new thing with your tongue doesn't like four times what do
tongue doesn't like four times what do you mean what is it you've been doing
you mean what is it you've been doing this year I have that that suddenly I'm
this year I have that that suddenly I'm going to reach an age because I think
going to reach an age because I think this is part of getting old is that
this is part of getting old is that suddenly you do things that you don't
suddenly you do things that you don't even know that you become known for but
even know that you become known for but people are gonna tell you because they
people are gonna tell you because they think it's like you're a thing like you
think it's like you're a thing like you know like like for a while I started
know like like for a while I started winking and I would just be like okay
winking and I would just be like okay and I was like oh god I'm winking I'm
and I was like oh god I'm winking I'm the person who's like winks and stuff
the person who's like winks and stuff like I'm gonna be dead in like a year
like I'm gonna be dead in like a year people call you Winky but would this be
people call you Winky but would this be called I don't know sherry
called I don't know sherry I don't know cher doesn't do that at one
I don't know cher doesn't do that at one time I fell down for absolutely no
time I fell down for absolutely no reason
ya know just for no reason and I thought oh god this is the end I'm now a person
oh god this is the end I'm now a person who just falls down like you hear about
who just falls down like you hear about like old people and they break their
like old people and they break their hips and stuff like that oh no no you're
hips and stuff like that oh no no you're exaggerated you know how much space is
exaggerated you know how much space is there between you this and falling down
there between you this and falling down there's years between nothing to worry
there's years between nothing to worry about
about he's been winking yeah then people think
he's been winking yeah then people think you're trying to get them in your
you're trying to get them in your basement well I thought when you were
basement well I thought when you were doing the tongue thing I was like okay
doing the tongue thing I was like okay someone wants to run in my treadmill you
someone wants to run in my treadmill you know a babe oh darn it I'm thank you for
know a babe oh darn it I'm thank you for telling me I'm gonna look out for it now
telling me I'm gonna look out for it now what that I'll have to do I'll have to
what that I'll have to do I'll have to just keep coming on the show to make
just keep coming on the show to make sure I'm not developing quirky tics that
sure I'm not developing quirky tics that signal the end of it all no no do do
signal the end of it all no no do do once at traffic lights though I I
once at traffic lights though I I stopped and I realized I was doing this
why what is that what does that do I wasn't even in a car I was just a
wasn't even in a car I was just a driving
driving no I was in a car tonight but my said
no I was in a car tonight but my said well it's a decent thing to do it yeah
well it's a decent thing to do it yeah cuz it means you're like you're drunk
cuz it means you're like you're drunk no I'm I'm thinking about the early bird
no I'm I'm thinking about the early bird special meat yeah you just have to watch
special meat yeah you just have to watch the hair as you become an older man I
the hair as you become an older man I mean you know no then no the hair from
mean you know no then no the hair from that to me says I'm gonna you see it on
that to me says I'm gonna you see it on a man that says I've given up that says
a man that says I've given up that says I don't care anymore
I don't care anymore no you know I am Anne's giving up how
no you know I am Anne's giving up how get him to go to a strip club no no no
get him to go to a strip club no no no you know that point I've given up come
you know that point I've given up come on oh no because if a man goes to a
on oh no because if a man goes to a strip club and they have a buffet if he
strip club and they have a buffet if he eats from that buffet he no longer cares
eats from that buffet he no longer cares about food and sex doesn't care about
about food and sex doesn't care about any of them he doesn't care it marks the
any of them he doesn't care it marks the first time that I've found out that
first time that I've found out that there's a buffet at the strip club
there's a buffet at the strip club swanky ones hey you want some ham um yes
swanky ones hey you want some ham um yes really yes a long time ago the end
really yes a long time ago the end [Laughter]
[Laughter] No
No no no well yeah why don't you tell one
no no well yeah why don't you tell one of your strip club stories you have
of your strip club stories you have never been to a strip club so it's all
never been to a strip club so it's all about don't you give me that girl no a
about don't you give me that girl no a bunch of us went I don't know why and
bunch of us went I don't know why and the girls thought that we girls it was a
the girls thought that we girls it was a bunch of girls were also dancers which I
bunch of girls were also dancers which I took as like a cop yeah the end really
took as like a cop yeah the end really that's good no and then I got all crazy
that's good no and then I got all crazy and went up and stripped yeah
you know it's very simple storytelling technique you need the Big Finish
technique you need the Big Finish I know I've learned so much from you
I know I've learned so much from you yeah well you know I have the Joseph
yeah well you know I have the Joseph Campbell of late night did you know I
Campbell of late night did you know I give tips to all my guests start your
give tips to all my guests start your story in a bit in the middle trip at the
story in a bit in the middle trip at the end I never have none of my stories end
end I never have none of my stories end which is why I think we get along so
which is why I think we get along so well because we just keep going on but I
well because we just keep going on but I am a little locked in imagining myself
am a little locked in imagining myself as a stripper because I'd be so bad at
as a stripper because I'd be so bad at it I don't know I mean I'm smoking hot
it I don't know I mean I'm smoking hot that's one of the things that's required
that's one of the things that's required that's nice but I wouldn't you just blew
that's nice but I wouldn't you just blew right past the kind of stripper hey I'd
right past the kind of stripper hey I'd be like you guys don't really want to I
be like you guys don't really want to I don't you want to talk or something I
don't you want to talk or something I just be like I wouldn't have the the
just be like I wouldn't have the the like you know whatever weird guts you
like you know whatever weird guts you have to have to be like look at this
have to have to be like look at this y'all yeah
not now it's pretty good thanks alright well maybe you know next time I'll
well maybe you know next time I'll really have a story the story this time
really have a story the story this time yeah that was pretty good that story you
yeah that was pretty good that story you told about all you girls went stripping
told about all you girls went stripping no we went I don't know why we I don't
no we went I don't know why we I don't know you do crazy things you know yes I
know you do crazy things you know yes I do know that hey very quickly how's the
do know that hey very quickly how's the oh it's good it's good great awkward
oh it's good it's good great awkward pause mouth organ or touch my glittery
pause mouth organ or touch my glittery ball awkward pause okay now let me just
ball awkward pause okay now let me just say before we start the awkward pause
say before we start the awkward pause that I have introduced the subtext to
that I have introduced the subtext to the awkward pauses the awkward pauses
the awkward pauses the awkward pauses I'm trying to look at an area of your
I'm trying to look at an area of your body no I was like yeah but you read
body no I was like yeah but you read where's your little t-shirt all right
where's your little t-shirt all right anyway oh right I don't know why it's
anyway oh right I don't know why it's after a while so it's very difficult to
after a while so it's very difficult to do a no collect chatting oh well then
do a no collect chatting oh well then woods should we do you know balls or
woods should we do you know balls or something else
I mean it's your show I just I want you to be happy
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
hey stop wait until I starts my I don't understand just let me do it and then
understand just let me do it and then everybody fine good evening ladies and
everybody fine good evening ladies and gentlemen and other welcome to week 2 of
gentlemen and other welcome to week 2 of Jeff being repaired so we have to have a
Jeff being repaired so we have to have a different personality for Jeff every
different personality for Jeff every night apparently tonight he's not Jeff
night apparently tonight he's not Jeff or Jeff's a girl's name are you a lady
or Jeff's a girl's name are you a lady Jeff tonight yes my name is Jeff I see
Jeff tonight yes my name is Jeff I see and your personality will be that of the
and your personality will be that of the sort of male and female personality or
sort of male and female personality or is it just to do with a business you
is it just to do with a business you know downstairs genitals is what I'm
know downstairs genitals is what I'm saying
saying you sound like Harry Potter
I don't think I said like Harry Potter at all
at all oh I'm starting to sound a little bit
oh I'm starting to sound a little bit wait a minute if I and you look a bit
wait a minute if I and you look a bit like Ron oh shut up Ron come on just say
like Ron oh shut up Ron come on just say it
it foldable there I said it
do you have hair extensions yeah no in my head you're cute I like you I'm
no in my head you're cute I like you I'm just a pre-recorded phrases are just
just a pre-recorded phrases are just getting fired at me by some person do
getting fired at me by some person do you have balls
at the moment did you just move that hand I don't know I what your nails are
hand I don't know I what your nails are lovely thank you thank you so much
lovely thank you thank you so much where'd you get them done at the place
where'd you get them done at the place where you get balls
well everybody i think ii Peabody is only ever been a why they're strangely
only ever been a why they're strangely weird ginger levy Jeff I have a place
weird ginger levy Jeff I have a place there
yeah and we drink and we have beers and beads beers and beads yeah and then we
beads beers and beads yeah and then we get naked look more and more like a very
get naked look more and more like a very weird children's program you got you
weird children's program you got you have beers and bees and that you get
have beers and bees and that you get naked yeah cos we go swimming that's
naked yeah cos we go swimming that's nice
nice which stroke do you prefer I like the
which stroke do you prefer I like the one where everyone is naked I don't
one where everyone is naked I don't think that's really a stroke it's fun
think that's really a stroke it's fun you should come
you should come [Music]
but a nickel for every time I heard that young lady that would you care to do
young lady that would you care to do would you care to throw to the
would you care to throw to the commercial break yes this is the best
commercial break yes this is the best product ever and will make you so pretty
[Applause] night where rotten Weasley girl Jeff is
night where rotten Weasley girl Jeff is all the rage with the kids
all the rage with the kids that's so pretty I love it what we
that's so pretty I love it what we usually do is like I blow in the organ
usually do is like I blow in the organ that you blow in the organ and we have a
that you blow in the organ and we have a little competition with organ blowing oh
little competition with organ blowing oh now I blow now I now I blow
now I blow now I now I blow yeah
yeah [Music]
[Music] yeah the trick with blowing is to use
yeah the trick with blowing is to use some breath okay but I didn't want to
some breath okay but I didn't want to hurt you
did you like that it was pretty I liked it
do you have were you out and waiting for the the Twilight movies that you go and
the the Twilight movies that you go and have a look at you enjoy the toilet you
have a look at you enjoy the toilet you like the you know they get the vibe you
like the you know they get the vibe you know what I'm talking about
know what I'm talking about I like those boys because they're cute
I like those boys because they're cute and they're pale yeah you know I got a
and they're pale yeah you know I got a problem though is that they went to real
problem though is that they went to real you know and they're vampires and they
you know and they're vampires and they went to real it's very sunny and real
went to real it's very sunny and real you just have to use sunblock a lot of
you just have to use sunblock a lot of it like you use it cuz you're pale
now I want to pale cuz I'm in shock I don't understand but you're handsome
and that'll do for me what time is it oh it's time for tweets and emails yay
it's time for tweets and emails yay [Music]
[Music] place
[Music] at my Center and your eat Meijer
at my Center and your eat Meijer [Music]
[Music] all right this is from down in Smithtown
all right this is from down in Smithtown New York you says you're gonna submit
New York you says you're gonna submit that in New York you got a little place
that in New York you got a little place there like oh so I have a place there
there like oh so I have a place there it's pretty turned we're talking about
it's pretty turned we're talking about right
right it's nice you should come
dear Craig and Jasmine I will be proposing to my girlfriend the day
proposing to my girlfriend the day before Thanksgiving while visiting her
before Thanksgiving while visiting her family we plan to make the announcement
family we plan to make the announcement at dinner any advice yes
at dinner any advice yes what you should do is put the ring in
what you should do is put the ring in the Turkey's ass when her father's
the Turkey's ass when her father's carving up the turkey oh go away what
carving up the turkey oh go away what why what's this in the turkey and go
why what's this in the turkey and go surprised you think that would work I
surprised you think that would work I think it's romantic I like it it's
think it's romantic I like it it's pretty
wait a minute yeah haven't you been here before I think you have been here before
before I think you have been here before what are you selling a fragrance you
what are you selling a fragrance you were sitting right there and selling a
were sitting right there and selling a fragrance I recognize that voice I don't
fragrance I recognize that voice I don't know who that is
but I you're pretty I like you that's all the Mars this is from Rachel in
all the Mars this is from Rachel in Baton Rouge Louisiana never been about
Baton Rouge Louisiana never been about on Rouge you like the Cajun food you
on Rouge you like the Cajun food you like their hot spicy refried beans my
like their hot spicy refried beans my apologies to all Cajun chefs of course
apologies to all Cajun chefs of course there's no refried beans in occasions
there's no refried beans in occasions good they only fry them once it's not
good they only fry them once it's not like that's the thing about refried
like that's the thing about refried beans you fry them you fry them again
beans you fry them you fry them again why not just fry them once get it done
why not just fry them once get it done with cuz if you everything is nice when
with cuz if you everything is nice when you do it twice
yes you're right actually all right Rachel says dear Craig and Jeff it
Rachel says dear Craig and Jeff it probably means you my friend has asked
probably means you my friend has asked me if she can borrow some money and why
me if she can borrow some money and why and while I have it I don't trust it her
and while I have it I don't trust it her enough to pay me back should I just be
enough to pay me back should I just be nice and give it to her no no she's only
nice and give it to her no no she's only your friend what would you give your
your friend what would you give your friend money for to help her out of a
friend money for to help her out of a tricky situation you [ __ ]
what do you think it might be too harsh there lady Jeff
there lady Jeff [Laughter]
[Laughter] you said [ __ ] tonight I didn't mean to
you said [ __ ] tonight I didn't mean to I meant to say Jarek oh then I
I meant to say Jarek oh then I understand this is from Laura and Arvada
understand this is from Laura and Arvada Colorado everybody call her I was like
Colorado everybody call her I was like go skiing there I skiing makes me cold
put on a warm jacket that's such a good idea you're so smart I'm really grown to
idea you're so smart I'm really grown to like you you you're the only one around
like you you you're the only one around here it gets me
here it gets me I understand you because I think we
I understand you because I think we think alike
yeah I think we do thank you you're pretty too
you're right I should come this is from Laura who says hi Craig and
this is from Laura who says hi Craig and Jeff I've been fooling around with one
Jeff I've been fooling around with one of my roommates and a
of my roommates and a friends-with-benefits kind of agreement
friends-with-benefits kind of agreement I've developed feelings for him what
I've developed feelings for him what should I do
should I do Oh follow him follow a man follow him
Oh follow him follow a man follow him back home to the lizard where he lives
back home to the lizard where he lives in Connecticut with his wife and
in Connecticut with his wife and children and then frame to paint the Pat
children and then frame to paint the Pat Robert get in there and boil that little
Robert get in there and boil that little bastard in the kitchen
you see that movie I like bunnies cuz they're fuzzy hi Craig and Jeff this is
they're fuzzy hi Craig and Jeff this is from Lisa in Raleigh North Carolina
from Lisa in Raleigh North Carolina never been there got a little place like
never been there got a little place like yeah yeah Jeff is there any Banderas
yeah yeah Jeff is there any Banderas Durham bars to admit you really enjoy no
Durham bars to admit you really enjoy no Justin Bieber maybe a little bit I love
Justin Bieber maybe a little bit I love him he's so cute he is Freddie I will
him he's so cute he is Freddie I will admit that he's pretty yeah he's got a
admit that he's pretty yeah he's got a nice voice yeah but I like your hair
nice voice yeah but I like your hair better
you like my hair better than Justin Bieber's hair
Bieber's hair yeah it looks fuzzy I like things that
yeah it looks fuzzy I like things that are fuzzy no one's ever said they liked
are fuzzy no one's ever said they liked my hair more than Justin Bieber's hair
my hair more than Justin Bieber's hair no one has ever said they liked
no one has ever said they liked anybody's hair more than Justin Bieber's
anybody's hair more than Justin Bieber's hair
hair he's got the best hair ever combed
he's got the best hair ever combed forward come to the side up down
forward come to the side up down everything it's fabulous I like you cuz
everything it's fabulous I like you cuz your pity you're winning me over
alright what was that something buzz over there you ever do that you think
over there you ever do that you think your phone buzz and then you realized
your phone buzz and then you realized you don't even have your phone on yeah
you don't even have your phone on yeah if that's never happened you
if that's never happened you you never to gas it
but if you never see guys since you don't understand the show
you didn't see anything we are not the droids you're looking for do that I know
droids you're looking for do that I know but Geoff upstaged my hair tonight I
but Geoff upstaged my hair tonight I like it because it's pretty you're
like it because it's pretty you're pretty I like you
pretty I like you a Nike tune so that's nice then I would
a Nike tune so that's nice then I would hate for if things got weird no your
hate for if things got weird no your hair's lovelyz very
you should call me on the phone okay leave your number I'll text you late at
leave your number I'll text you late at night what this is about this arm here
so you did pretty good oh thank you no no you were good I think
oh thank you no no you were good I think you came on a bit strong early on you
you came on a bit strong early on you know to me I think that was just show
know to me I think that was just show business so wouldn't you were just kind
business so wouldn't you were just kind of flirting oh I'm in love with you look
of flirting oh I'm in love with you look if we'd never work I'm a man you're an
if we'd never work I'm a man you're an appliance oh well it might actually work
appliance oh well it might actually work I don't think so I'm married
I don't think so I'm married I don't care really all about you though
I don't care really all about you though III have people in my life that would
III have people in my life that would care very much if they caught me
care very much if they caught me cavorting with an electrical piece of ax
cavorting with an electrical piece of ax they wouldn't really mind that much
they wouldn't really mind that much this might work thank you I think you're
this might work thank you I think you're pretty too thank you and thank you
pretty too thank you and thank you patient viewers
[Music] the lovely Laura Graham everybody
the lovely Laura Graham everybody [Applause]
[Music] Lord Ram Wow looks and shanks I'm being
Lord Ram Wow looks and shanks I'm being really great no I love your dress are
really great no I love your dress are those pockets no there it's a peplum a
those pockets no there it's a peplum a peplum mm-hmm do you have a condition
peplum mm-hmm do you have a condition you're gonna have to wear a pear plum
you're gonna have to wear a pear plum it's a it's fashion I see you wear a
it's a it's fashion I see you wear a peplum as a fashion device I don't know
peplum as a fashion device I don't know I just
I just it's I know that it's called a peplum
it's I know that it's called a peplum right and that it doesn't do anything
right and that it doesn't do anything it just sits right there and is festive
it just sits right there and is festive well I could do that I'll sit right
well I could do that I'll sit right there and be fast what's going on I
there and be fast what's going on I don't know the same you know the same
don't know the same you know the same thing really
thing really really no no I don't think so a
really no no I don't think so a different thing look we moved into a
different thing look we moved into a difference it feels strange I don't know
difference it feels strange I don't know I'm not hi Jeff it feels it feels new it
I'm not hi Jeff it feels it feels new it feels new little it's a little new but
feels new little it's a little new but we got the fire roaring and the great to
we got the fire roaring and the great to cozy look their yard yeah it's warm and
cozy look their yard yeah it's warm and a Jeff still where he was you know kind
a Jeff still where he was you know kind of over there remember when I was Jeff
of over there remember when I was Jeff yeah wait Jeff Jeff went on holiday for
yeah wait Jeff Jeff went on holiday for a week or something or is it was
a week or something or is it was something to do with his chips or
something to do with his chips or something and you did sexy lady Jeff
something and you did sexy lady Jeff well I was a Jeff who was a lady I'm
well I was a Jeff who was a lady I'm still Jeff the robot and do you remember
still Jeff the robot and do you remember what happened it was very odd it was a
what happened it was very odd it was a sexy
sexy what happened always Jeff the robot is
what happened always Jeff the robot is played by me Jeff the character had a
played by me Jeff the character had a crush on you
crush on you craig ferguson's there's nothing new
craig ferguson's there's nothing new about this this is all this is all
about this this is all this is all regular Jeff stuff but I as Jeff the
regular Jeff stuff but I as Jeff the lady robot asked you out several times
lady robot asked you out several times and you got like upset like as if it was
and you got like upset like as if it was a weird boundary crossing where I felt
a weird boundary crossing where I felt like maybe we had like peplum going off
like maybe we had like peplum going off or something what's going on I went home
or something what's going on I went home like feeling strange because you got
like feeling strange because you got upset that Jeff the robot was asking you
upset that Jeff the robot was asking you out
out wait it's all right you could never
wait it's all right you could never upset me unless you I had to upset you
upset me unless you I had to upset you first that is the only thing that would
first that is the only thing that would upset me I asked you out and you said
upset me I asked you out and you said Jeff I'm married and I was like I'm a
Jeff I'm married and I was like I'm a robot
love will find a way is that what it just was so strange because you seemed
just was so strange because you seemed upset at the prospect of you know
upset at the prospect of you know cheating on your wife with Jeff the
cheating on your wife with Jeff the robot which is impossible
not entirely I like your i like your jewelry you're
I like your i like your jewelry you're wearing that looks nice Thanks I know
wearing that looks nice Thanks I know I'm into a bit of money then what season
I'm into a bit of money then what season is this showing for bling it out yeah no
is this showing for bling it out yeah no they go home at the end of the night do
they go home at the end of the night do with the nice man but a man follows you
with the nice man but a man follows you around lends you jewellery yeah
around lends you jewellery yeah is this is the Broadway musical or 40
is this is the Broadway musical or 40 seconds yeah yeah that's right
seconds yeah yeah that's right have you ever done Broadway yeah it was
have you ever done Broadway yeah it was I did Guys and Dolls and of course you
I did Guys and Dolls and of course you did awesome you played the part of the
did awesome you played the part of the girl yeah yeah
girl yeah yeah yeah oddly yeah yeah and there because
yeah oddly yeah yeah and there because there's the the guy and then have a guy
there's the the guy and then have a guy named Sky News Detroit Sky Masterson
named Sky News Detroit Sky Masterson yeah and browns yeah and then Ricki Lake
yeah and browns yeah and then Ricki Lake Yankee Lake is that's one of the most
Yankee Lake is that's one of the most amazing characters and that wasn't even
amazing characters and that wasn't even alive when that musical was written oh
alive when that musical was written oh she said she was
she said she was what if Ricki Lake was in Guys and Dolls
what if Ricki Lake was in Guys and Dolls at the actually like Ricki Lake acted in
at the actually like Ricki Lake acted in it no the a character called regulate
it no the a character called regulate that was a guy anyway she wasn't guys
that was a guy anyway she wasn't guys have you done Broadway you just were on
have you done Broadway you just were on Broadway Wow we jeff night that radio
Broadway Wow we jeff night that radio said you the other night Billy Wow oh
said you the other night Billy Wow oh only Radio City Music Hall yeah yeah
only Radio City Music Hall yeah yeah yeah that's amazing
yeah that's amazing yeah it was great it was awesome we sold
yeah it was great it was awesome we sold it up all right easy yeah yeah it was
it up all right easy yeah yeah it was really awesome why weren't you there I
really awesome why weren't you there I sent you an invite you didn't send me an
sent you an invite you didn't send me an invite I was thinking about it
invite I was thinking about it the last thing that you sent me an
the last thing that you sent me an invite to was your book party my book
invite to was your book party my book club where all the girls get together
club where all the girls get together and we look at books all right not strip
and we look at books all right not strip poker
poker no Fifty Shades of snap little bits of
no Fifty Shades of snap little bits of it yeah yeah yeah I read I looked up the
it yeah yeah yeah I read I looked up the internet the sexy passages I thought
internet the sexy passages I thought it's all sexy passage no no even the
it's all sexy passage no no even the sexy passage is not sexy related news I
sexy passage is not sexy related news I I wrote a book
I wrote a book what yeah fantastic I love the book that
what yeah fantastic I love the book that you wrote what's it called the the girl
you wrote what's it called the the girl I am I know no you changed the title yes
I am I know no you changed the title yes I changed the title um no I wrote a book
I changed the title um no I wrote a book and I've literally just finished it and
and I've literally just finished it and had to turn it in today and you wrote a
had to turn it in today and you wrote a book yeah yeah and so you know every
book yeah yeah and so you know every bizarre bizarre I feel it's a very
bizarre bizarre I feel it's a very strange thing to do
strange thing to do yes it's terribly upset yeah my next
yes it's terribly upset yeah my next guest is written like 50 I don't even
guest is written like 50 I don't even want to be talking about it because he's
want to be talking about it because he's the one who should be talking about you
the one who should be talking about you know right he writes I wish I had talked
know right he writes I wish I had talked to him before I wrote a book
to him before I wrote a book well you it may have put you off do you
well you it may have put you off do you think I feel like it's probably very
think I feel like it's probably very easy for him I think he like just just
easy for him I think he like just just writes a book look what you doing this
writes a book look what you doing this afternoon write a book yeah I'm sure I
afternoon write a book yeah I'm sure I don't really appreciate the fact it's
don't really appreciate the fact it's like people who are like acting whatever
like people who are like acting whatever I could do that
I could do that well I yeah yeah yeah listen we're out
well I yeah yeah yeah listen we're out of time do you want a piece of fruit
of time do you want a piece of fruit okay
okay how would you fancy I don't get here you
how would you fancy I don't get here you think are you gonna do something dirty
think are you gonna do something dirty with it yeah you have your label because
with it yeah you have your label because you don't know what they are teeny tiny
you don't know what they are teeny tiny pineapples I thought I was gonna do some
pineapples I thought I was gonna do some for the dirty do you want one of these
for the dirty do you want one of these okay this is uh this is Quixote it's at
okay this is uh this is Quixote it's at night at night packs of these roam
night at night packs of these roam around in the desert you're like no I
around in the desert you're like no I just got a basket of fruit it's kind of
just got a basket of fruit it's kind of new including the fruit all right this
new including the fruit all right this doesn't look like a fruit to me it looks
doesn't look like a fruit to me it looks like a tomato that's gone wrong run off
like a tomato that's gone wrong run off the rails you mean a tomato that's
the rails you mean a tomato that's crossed over to the dark side
crossed over to the dark side it looks like an evil tomato well let's
it looks like an evil tomato well let's see if we can find another evil tomato I
see if we can find another evil tomato I think we can and now we will conquer the
think we can and now we will conquer the world
world the world is mine no the world is mine
the world is mine no the world is mine for I am taller 9 how dare you
for I am taller 9 how dare you I do find you desperately attractive
I do find you desperately attractive kiss me
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
my of course guest tonight is a beautiful intelligent actress and writer
beautiful intelligent actress and writer oh yeah yeah and her first novel which
oh yeah yeah and her first novel which I've read someday someday maybe that's
I've read someday someday maybe that's the name of it you got it right yes it
the name of it you got it right yes it will debut at number 15 on the New York
will debut at number 15 on the New York Times bestseller list please welcome the
Times bestseller list please welcome the absolutely enchanting and clever Lauren
absolutely enchanting and clever Lauren Graham
Graham [Applause]
[Applause] you find out you look sensational are
you find out you look sensational are your pants falling down yeah I picked
your pants falling down yeah I picked him up no problem got it whom did it do
him up no problem got it whom did it do your accent and I heard mocking me you
your accent and I heard mocking me you haven't even complimented you on your
haven't even complimented you on your outfit and you're mocking mocking you
outfit and you're mocking mocking you look fantastic
look fantastic especially her yeah it was alive not
especially her yeah it was alive not that long ago probably pretend it was
that long ago probably pretend it was sleeping yes it's very Pettit it's very
sleeping yes it's very Pettit it's very soothing to pet it I just want to know
soothing to pet it I just want to know what what I'm panting first I don't know
what what I'm panting first I don't know just feel it it feels good
okay I will but once I touch it it's mine
I'm doing that thing that would be goldberg used to do in Star Trek you
goldberg used to do in Star Trek you know that thing yeah it's great it's
know that thing yeah it's great it's like it's like it's like you brought
like it's like it's like you brought your dog now look this is
your dog now look this is congratulations on the book which two
congratulations on the book which two things one you know where it's gonna be
things one you know where it's gonna be on the best sellers list it just came
on the best sellers list it just came out today Oh congratulations as you know
out today Oh congratulations as you know I've read it and the I've read it yeah I
I've read it and the I've read it yeah I will read I promise you I will read it I
will read I promise you I will read it I think it's about I think it's probably I
think it's about I think it's probably I know what it's about because I read a
know what it's about because I read a little bit of cover do you think your
little bit of cover do you think your favorite part of it is gonna be I think
favorite part of it is gonna be I think my favorite part will be the bit where
my favorite part will be the bit where you is there a sexy butt in it yeah
you is there a sexy butt in it yeah that's my favorite part this is I mean
that's my favorite part this is I mean but it's about a young woman that goes
but it's about a young woman that goes to New York to be an actress and try our
to New York to be an actress and try our best it seems like it may be partially
best it seems like it may be partially or to biographical in some way it is in
or to biographical in some way it is in that I had that experience but I
that I had that experience but I definitely made up the details of what
definitely made up the details of what happens and you make up the sexy bit or
happens and you make up the sexy bit or was that
was that I made up the sexy bed I don't do that
I made up the sexy bed I don't do that ooh gross in that case I've read every
ooh gross in that case I've read every word in your book no it's really it's
word in your book no it's really it's really you do you get concerned about
really you do you get concerned about reviews cause people who review it and
reviews cause people who review it and stuff you know all that's gonna well
stuff you know all that's gonna well mainly that's happened and I have been
mainly that's happened and I have been very pleased to pursued reviews yeah
very pleased to pursued reviews yeah I've gotten you bastard really yeah yeah
I've gotten you bastard really yeah yeah and and one really nice one was from the
and and one really nice one was from the Washington Post which is my hometown
Washington Post which is my hometown paper and it came out the day of my
paper and it came out the day of my father's 70th birthday party which was
father's 70th birthday party which was awesome because if it had gone the other
awesome because if it had gone the other way it would have been a whole evening
way it would have been a whole evening of like
of like and so that was really great and that's
and so that was really great and that's fantastic
fantastic yes it's lovely and look at that picture
yes it's lovely and look at that picture of you that's yes I don't have any
of you that's yes I don't have any birdies on me there no but you look very
birdies on me there no but you look very fresh yeah you know like you could get a
fresh yeah you know like you could get a bird if you want also look it's like
bird if you want also look it's like this it's like daytime nighttime yes
this it's like daytime nighttime yes previous looks at Lauren it's night I'm
previous looks at Lauren it's night I'm very happy for you thank you for a bit
very happy for you thank you for a bit nervous about it I remember when you
nervous about it I remember when you were writing that you were like alright
were writing that you were like alright it's incredibly vulnerable you have no
it's incredibly vulnerable you have no one else to blame if somebody doesn't
one else to blame if somebody doesn't like it you can't be like well the
like it you can't be like well the director messed it up no I'm you know
director messed it up no I'm you know the person you but the thing is you
the person you but the thing is you can't really go through life worrying
can't really go through life worrying about what other people think of your
about what other people think of your work artistically you just can't
work artistically you just can't well you can't and this was very
well you can't and this was very empowering in that way because I wanted
empowering in that way because I wanted something that was mine and you know
something that was mine and you know live live or die I mean I didn't want it
live live or die I mean I didn't want it to kill me literally but well if you go
to kill me literally but well if you go riding around New York like that on a
riding around New York like that on a bicycle young lady you're gonna die look
bicycle young lady you're gonna die look it's a nice Brooklyn Bridge though it's
it's a nice Brooklyn Bridge though it's it's so empty like it always is
it's so empty like it always is yeah the bridge is empty and you're
yeah the bridge is empty and you're riding a unicycle across the bridge it's
riding a unicycle across the bridge it's not me no it doesn't even look like me
not me no it doesn't even look like me no do you know I wrote a book once well
no do you know I wrote a book once well I wrote two but yeah well I wrote them
I wrote two but yeah well I wrote them both more than once and then we decided
both more than once and then we decided on a draft but the but in the novel I
on a draft but the but in the novel I wrote they put a picture of a man
wrote they put a picture of a man falling it was called between the bridge
falling it was called between the bridge and the river and a man's falling off a
and the river and a man's falling off a bridge that's the picture of his hand
bridge that's the picture of his hand and his shoe and I thought people think
and his shoe and I thought people think that's my hand is a little fat hand and
that's my hand is a little fat hand and that was the thing that obsessed me for
that was the thing that obsessed me for days well this getting this figure right
days well this getting this figure right I was was troubling because they kept
I was was troubling because they kept submitting different girls and I didn't
submitting different girls and I didn't want it to I didn't want you to think it
want it to I didn't want you to think it was me but whatever but I I definitely
was me but whatever but I I definitely didn't want it to be the wrong looking
didn't want it to be the wrong looking person even from the back there are so
person even from the back there are so many ways a person can look like not how
many ways a person can look like not how I wanted it to look you know they had
I wanted it to look you know they had like flowing coats or like in one
like flowing coats or like in one submission she was blonde which no no
submission she was blonde which no no it's alright but she's just not right
it's alright but she's just not right and so yeah it was I don't know she read
and so yeah it was I don't know she read a bicycle in the book I can't remember
a bicycle in the book I can't remember it's a while since I read it I do run
it's a while since I read it I do run New York City sometimes I ride bicycles
New York City sometimes I ride bicycles with my father is like a sport as like a
with my father is like a sport as like a thing we do really spawned action and a
thing we do really spawned action and a helmet that guzo pointing we went to
helmet that guzo pointing we went to Ireland one year we went to Vietnam when
Ireland one year we went to Vietnam when your and this year we're going to Spain
your and this year we're going to Spain competitive cycle racing it's not a it's
competitive cycle racing it's not a it's not a competition it's a group it's like
not a competition it's a group it's like you know it's a fun structured trip that
you know it's a fun structured trip that you go on do you want to come no why
you go on do you want to come no why well and bicycles worried me because of
well and bicycles worried me because of the testicle issue
the testicle issue I mean well they go that little saddle
I mean well they go that little saddle right they're going you can get it where
right they're going you can get it where it's cut out so you have a nice little
it's cut out so you have a nice little cup area for your testicles to go I'm
cup area for your testicles to go I'm getting older I'm gonna need more of a
getting older I'm gonna need more of a large mug I know and then you've got to
large mug I know and then you've got to worry about the chain and the spokes and
worry about the chain and the spokes and all that gonna stuff well you're worried
all that gonna stuff well you're worried about them for wearing me what if what
about them for wearing me what if what if my testicles get caught in some kind
if my testicles get caught in some kind of whirling piece of equipment and fly
of whirling piece of equipment and fly me off into oblivion it would be
me off into oblivion it would be horrendous do you hat did you have a bad
horrendous do you hat did you have a bad testicle experience as a child
I'm just concerned why you're well put it this way I'm a reformed alcoholic
it this way I'm a reformed alcoholic stand-up comedian so yes yes I did now
stand-up comedian so yes yes I did now I'm concerned about your balls as well
listen be consent that's very cool dependent of you if you don't mind me
dependent of you if you don't mind me saying so what do you mean you shouldn't
saying so what do you mean you shouldn't be concerned about my balls balls but I
be concerned about my balls balls but I your concerns are my concerns I care for
your concerns are my concerns I care for you and I don't want your balls to be
you and I don't want your balls to be harmed in any way but I don't want the
harmed in any way but I don't want the speculative nature of my ball danger to
speculative nature of my ball danger to get in the way of your moment of triumph
get in the way of your moment of triumph as your book marches up the New York
as your book marches up the New York Times bestseller list so please don't
Times bestseller list so please don't drop yourself of your moment of glory by
drop yourself of your moment of glory by you know meandering through my testicles
you know meandering through my testicles seem right sad are you right in another
seem right sad are you right in another one I am yes I am mm-hmm is it a sequel
one I am yes I am mm-hmm is it a sequel it is a companion piece which which is
it is a companion piece which which is what the hell they tell you to say so
what the hell they tell you to say so that people don't feel robbed if they
that people don't feel robbed if they haven't read the first one you know like
haven't read the first one you know like you wouldn't you won't have had to read
you wouldn't you won't have had to read this to understand the next one so does
this to understand the next one so does that mean and when you write the next
that mean and when you write the next one you have to compress all of that one
one you have to compress all of that one into the first paragraph no I sort of it
into the first paragraph no I sort of it does stand on its own it is this same
does stand on its own it is this same main character but in another place
main character but in another place other vampires in it there if there were
other vampires in it there if there were I would have made I would make a lot
I would have made I would make a lot more money but no but you made money
more money but no but you made money with this do you think yeah yeah cause
with this do you think yeah yeah cause something will make a movie of this - I
something will make a movie of this - I don't know but yeah they will
don't know but yeah they will you sold the movie rights yeah no I'll
you sold the movie rights yeah no I'll buy them okay 50 bucks 50 bucks right
buy them okay 50 bucks 50 bucks right now okay okay good
now okay okay good um do you want to read it first or No
um do you want to read it first or No okay this is Hollywood no one reads
okay this is Hollywood no one reads books I'm gonna be reading boots before
books I'm gonna be reading boots before they buy is that what's about I like it
they buy is that what's about I like it let's go
let's go
I think they're gonna just judge my book by its cover which I find very pleasing
by its cover which I find very pleasing right I mean that's what you do too
right I mean that's what you do too I try not to did you see the nice quotes
I try not to did you see the nice quotes I have on the back yeah you never asked
I have on the back yeah you never asked me cool for you I've read books before I
me cool for you I've read books before I could have read it and given you a quote
could have read it and given you a quote give me a quote right now this is the
give me a quote right now this is the best book I've ever read my warm and
best book I've ever read my warm and funny charming and smart Diane Keaton
funny charming and smart Diane Keaton that's good no I'm gonna gram deftly
that's good no I'm gonna gram deftly captures what it's like to be young
captures what it's like to be young ambitious and hopeful in New York City
ambitious and hopeful in New York City Candace Bushnell you know and you like
Candace Bushnell you know and you like Sex and the City
totally awesome Justin Bieber that's the one he loves my work I'm very proud of
one he loves my work I'm very proud of you I think but not that I mean probably
you I think but not that I mean probably it sounds like I'm in some way connected
it sounds like I'm in some way connected with your glory and I'm not you know I
with your glory and I'm not you know I know I'm just you know I'm I'm glad to
know I'm just you know I'm I'm glad to witness your you know blossoming new
witness your you know blossoming new career your your second die does it work
career your your second die does it work yeah I love that did I retire from
yeah I love that did I retire from acting no no no but but you expand on it
acting no no no but but you expand on it a little bit like I always whenever I
a little bit like I always whenever I meet smart actors and I think you've
meet smart actors and I think you've used one of them Iowa was concerned for
used one of them Iowa was concerned for them because acting doesn't require you
them because acting doesn't require you to be smart at all and so I say so I
to be smart at all and so I say so I mean I'm not saying it's not without
mean I'm not saying it's not without what it requires talent but it doesn't
what it requires talent but it doesn't require you to be clever it doesn't
require you to be clever it doesn't require you to be book smart you can
require you to be book smart you can just be sensitive and empathic I think
just be sensitive and empathic I think is yes empathic I think you have to be
is yes empathic I think you have to be that but you have to be emotionally open
that but you have to be emotionally open yeah but you don't have to be an
yeah but you don't have to be an intellectual of any great wait but
intellectual of any great wait but whenever I meet intellectuals of some
whenever I meet intellectuals of some heft like yourself I
heft like yourself I sanfur them because that's the kind of
sanfur them because that's the kind of thing you get into trouble because
thing you get into trouble because you're bored you sent your trailer all
you're bored you sent your trailer all day and you go I should probably get up
day and you go I should probably get up to something and then you do but see
to something and then you do but see Craig's balls I'm sorry it's so cheap
Craig's balls I'm sorry it's so cheap but it's easy it's fun to say balls did
but it's easy it's fun to say balls did I look like I was up there I just I feel
I look like I was up there I just I feel that but I would I would say exactly
that but I would I would say exactly what you said is what happened which was
what you said is what happened which was I I just needed something to do yes I
I I just needed something to do yes I was kind of crawling out of my skin to
was kind of crawling out of my skin to have any downtime and so this is what I
have any downtime and so this is what I did but what I didn't know is if anybody
did but what I didn't know is if anybody would care well I care because I adore
would care well I care because I adore you but more importantly a lot of people
you but more importantly a lot of people care to read it because it's number 15
care to read it because it's number 15 in the new I'm so thankful thank you
in the new I'm so thankful thank you [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
yeah muscle through so much I'm joking I love you love your pants yeah well those
love you love your pants yeah well those are the best pants on any author I've
are the best pants on any author I've ever talked to well Salman Rushdie had a
ever talked to well Salman Rushdie had a pretty nice pair of leather pants names
pretty nice pair of leather pants names here didn't he did he yeah Salman know
here didn't he did he yeah Salman know you'd like you because of the leather
you'd like you because of the leather pants yeah like you because he likes you
pants yeah like you because he likes you he likes beautiful woman and also he
he likes beautiful woman and also he likes smart beautiful woman I think
likes smart beautiful woman I think you'd be fine
you'd be fine but he was with that beautiful Padma
but he was with that beautiful Padma Locke Padma Lakshmi right yeah he's no
Locke Padma Lakshmi right yeah he's no anymore though
anymore though yeah but she's really beautiful I mean
yeah but she's really beautiful I mean that says he's also crazier than a bag
that says he's also crazier than a bag of snakes I don't know I've never met
of snakes I don't know I've never met the woman but yes why do you think that
the woman but yes why do you think that because I like to think negative things
because I like to think negative things about strangers really beautiful and
about strangers really beautiful and successful well of course that's that's
successful well of course that's that's kind write down yeah that'll take you
kind write down yeah that'll take you don't negative for thinking good things
don't negative for thinking good things about yourself which you probably don't
about yourself which you probably don't anyway yeah sorry Padma likes me I think
anyway yeah sorry Padma likes me I think I've been rather tough on you this
I've been rather tough on you this evening I think she seems lovely what I
evening I think she seems lovely what I was just trying to help you out
was just trying to help you out look I think we shouldn't have talked
look I think we shouldn't have talked about her at all I'm talking about
about her at all I'm talking about Salman Rushdie and you went straight to
Salman Rushdie and you went straight to pad his ex-wife because I can't let's
pad his ex-wife because I can't let's not talk about them anymore I feel bad
not talk about them anymore I feel bad all right let's talk about somebody else
all right let's talk about somebody else what about let's talk but oh you know
what about let's talk but oh you know where happened JJ I was sure I was on
where happened JJ I was sure I was on there yeah yeah you were there yesterday
there yeah yeah you were there yesterday and I said today why didn't we go on the
and I said today why didn't we go on the same day would have been so fun well
same day would have been so fun well then there would have been a tussle to
then there would have been a tussle to see who goes on first I would have been
see who goes on first I would have been on second to you oh yeah that's not true
on second to you oh yeah that's not true no you mean you would be willing to do
no you mean you would be willing to do it absolutely that's not how they would
it absolutely that's not how they would bill it you would be yes it no yes no
wait so how was it did you have fun yes I died enjoy Jays company I think he's
I died enjoy Jays company I think he's you know he's an enormous you know
late-night guy yeah yeah he's nice I like really enormous well he's afraid I
like really enormous well he's afraid I don't mean overweight or anything I mean
don't mean overweight or anything I mean yeah this is like he's got very big face
yeah this is like he's got very big face and giant fingers and he's like you know
and giant fingers and he's like you know he crushes things with his hand I don't
he crushes things with his hand I don't think it gets real cars
think it gets real cars [Music]
[Music] I don't know that you'll ever be a guest
I don't know that you'll ever be a guest on his show ever again talking about
on his show ever again talking about I adore J take a joke yeah he can he he
I adore J take a joke yeah he can he he we talked about our love of denim
we talked about our love of denim oh he wears a lot of denim yeah yeah he
oh he wears a lot of denim yeah yeah he does do that you did that's about how
does do that you did that's about how funny it was a denim shirt and denim
funny it was a denim shirt and denim pants denim shoes denim socks and a
pants denim shoes denim socks and a denim house I know but but he does look
denim house I know but but he does look very cute but we were taught in fashion
very cute but we were taught in fashion school never actually went to fashion
school never actually went to fashion school oh no you don't wear a denim suit
school oh no you don't wear a denim suit that that's a no-no but but iconic
that that's a no-no but but iconic figures can break all the rules yeah I
figures can break all the rules yeah I also think the G line who doesn't give a
also think the G line who doesn't give a rat's ass about fashion at all is
rat's ass about fashion at all is amazing I I would if I had that much
amazing I I would if I had that much money I would give a rat's ass about
money I would give a rat's ass about fashion I wouldn't give a rat's ass
fashion I wouldn't give a rat's ass about anything about
[Music] [Applause]
wow you look sassy tonight oh yeah a little bit I like your dress that zip
a little bit I like your dress that zip just goes yeah looks nice and warm
just goes yeah looks nice and warm though my creepiness with concern it's
though my creepiness with concern it's very sexy but it looks more it's sexy
very sexy but it looks more it's sexy and practical exactly well that's quite
and practical exactly well that's quite sexy you know a zip right down the front
sexy you know a zip right down the front like that it's like it's like a man's
like that it's like it's like a man's pants but all the way down there on you
pants but all the way down there on you did you see that I thought I may have
did you see that I thought I may have done a little spit but don't please
done a little spit but don't please don't take it personally it's just I'm
don't take it personally it's just I'm reaching that age I've started just a
reaching that age I've started just a few started spitting yet let's do hair
few started spitting yet let's do hair and everything like weird places yes and
and everything like weird places yes and things start to itch which have no
things start to itch which have no business edging like the inside of my
business edging like the inside of my ear like there's no hair in there I pour
ear like there's no hair in there I pour Nair into my ear do it don't do that
Nair into my ear do it don't do that let's don't do that you could end up
let's don't do that you could end up hearing nothing or everything or
hearing nothing or everything or everything what have you been up to
everything what have you been up to yeah that show the Parenthood is doing
yeah that show the Parenthood is doing great what you on season 7 season 5 yeah
great what you on season 7 season 5 yeah that's the big one that's when you get
that's the big one that's when you get all the the renegotiation and money not
pay actors anymore I'm sure that's telling you a lie yeah it's just not
telling you a lie yeah it's just not it's not the it's not what you might
it's not the it's not what you might think but it's a wonderful job very
think but it's a wonderful job very happy like Charlie Sheen or somebody
happy like Charlie Sheen or somebody well he's got quite a high not to pay
well he's got quite a high not to pay every month I think anyway Chuck why not
every month I think anyway Chuck why not right there yeah I see has to pee quail
right there yeah I see has to pee quail llama do you spend a lot of money - or
llama do you spend a lot of money - or do you hoard it
I think I'm somewhere in between really what about items that you've had in
what about items that you've had in magazines and cats do you hoard any of
magazines and cats do you hoard any of those things you know are you a hoarder
those things you know are you a hoarder so I'm saying do you have like your
so I'm saying do you have like your house full of stuff and you have to make
house full of stuff and you have to make little passageways through them
no I believe in the cleanse I think you frequent you've got to keep you know
frequent you've got to keep you know getting rid of things really mm-hmm we
getting rid of things really mm-hmm we talked yes sometimes when I don't want
talked yes sometimes when I don't want to get rid of them they just go no in my
to get rid of them they just go no in my tummy
tummy I mean if cats are in my tummy magazines
I mean if cats are in my tummy magazines and cats yeah yeah no no I know I think
and cats yeah yeah no no I know I think I'm a little bit OCD I hang on to things
I'm a little bit OCD I hang on to things a little bit I think I have mild OCD may
a little bit I think I have mild OCD may be mild to moderate I don't know what it
be mild to moderate I don't know what it kind of varies well that's okay you're a
kind of varies well that's okay you're a nice person there's no morality attached
nice person there's no morality attached the illness sure I'm surprised I would
the illness sure I'm surprised I would think that you have a very clean like
think that you have a very clean like spare living environment no I have two
spare living environment no I have two children I have a very I have a very
children I have a very I have a very poor covered living environment that's
poor covered living environment that's for me the kids are worried I feel like
for me the kids are worried I feel like we've been talking about poo a lot well
we've been talking about poo a lot well I'm your opinion so did you take a
I'm your opinion so did you take a vacation this year haven't seen you oh
vacation this year haven't seen you oh yeah I feel like I just saw you oh right
yeah I feel like I just saw you oh right then did you take a vacation since I saw
then did you take a vacation since I saw you last week I went to Spain Spain yeah
you last week I went to Spain Spain yeah that's fantastic
that's fantastic why do you mention that I don't you just
why do you mention that I don't you just ask me I went to Spain on a bike trip
ask me I went to Spain on a bike trip with my dad that's nice and we bicycle
with my dad that's nice and we bicycle across Spain which part yeah but it's
across Spain which part yeah but it's all very beautiful the northern part of
all very beautiful the northern part of Spain Barcelona yeah no I've been up
Spain Barcelona yeah no I've been up there yeah Qaddafi's is up there in
there yeah Qaddafi's is up there in Salvador Dali's house oh yes
Salvador Dali's house oh yes Dali Museum yes yeah and he was still
Dali Museum yes yeah and he was still alive and living there is no
he's bananas well he's dead nobody's bananas yeah well maybe maybe he still
bananas yeah well maybe maybe he still is that's exactly what he would say
is that's exactly what he would say right Dudley and there's that shrine or
right Dudley and there's that shrine or statue outside of the museum to his
statue outside of the museum to his therapist right I thought it was his
therapist right I thought it was his wife or it could have been a giant
wife or it could have been a giant Lobster you don't know did you go to
Lobster you don't know did you go to did you go to the Running of the Bulls
did you go to the Running of the Bulls thing did you go to the pump oh no no we
thing did you go to the pump oh no no we were just healthy cyclists on our cycles
were just healthy cyclists on our cycles just cycling across just cycling eating
just cycling across just cycling eating lots of ham and cheese as you do in
lots of ham and cheese as you do in Spain I'm in cheese to eat paella in
Spain I'm in cheese to eat paella in Spanish pretty damn good actually I seem
Spanish pretty damn good actually I seem to recall of course I was drunk so maybe
to recall of course I was drunk so maybe it was just ham and cheese well then you
it was just ham and cheese well then you were in Spain a long time 1990 was the
were in Spain a long time 1990 was the last time no I went there after I get
last time no I went there after I get sober but called a little bit I've got a
sober but called a little bit I've got a little bit of something with the wording
little bit of something with the wording and the cold and the poo I think I
and the cold and the poo I think I caught it from the horse I was making
caught it from the horse I was making over the horse a long and that horse
over the horse a long and that horse gets around
we gotta take a break all right you know I mean just I think we should
you know I mean just I think we should see other people as women say I can't
see other people as women say I can't believe you tell me like this in front
believe you tell me like this in front of all these people was just them all
of all these people was just them all right we were right back with Laura
right we were right back with Laura [Applause]
welcome back everyday I'm here with Lauren Graham who's you wrote a book
Lauren Graham who's you wrote a book remember I do I do I do
remember I do I do I do it's really good I remember it's called
it's really good I remember it's called the remind me again the girl
it's called someday someday maybe someday someday maybe and to my shock
someday someday maybe and to my shock and surprise and joy it was on the New
and surprise and joy it was on the New York Times but yeah it really well I was
York Times but yeah it really well I was here and that's how books get become
here and that's how books get become hugely successful people come on here
hugely successful people come on here and I talk about them and then that's
and I talk about them and then that's what happens it's nothing to do with the
what happens it's nothing to do with the quality of the book no it's so don't get
quality of the book no it's so don't get ideas above yourself are you gonna write
ideas above yourself are you gonna write another one I am writing another one and
another one I am writing another one and I'm writing a pilot for a TV series
I'm writing a pilot for a TV series based on the first book you're gonna
based on the first book you're gonna have so much money
have so much money you'll be able to rent a car and drive
you'll be able to rent a car and drive across Spain
across Spain it's um
it's nice to see you it's nice to see you too
you too you've got lovely cheeky eyes I think no
you've got lovely cheeky eyes I think no your cheeks go up like that and then
your cheeks go up like that and then your eyes are happy and sparkly it's
your eyes are happy and sparkly it's nice makes me go well we're out of time
nice makes me go well we're out of time yes we have to see other people I
yes we have to see other people I thought thanks for going so well that's
thought thanks for going so well that's just what I get you can we try one more
just what I get you can we try one more time no oh right then what do you want
time no oh right then what do you want to do go out to dinner I don't know
to do go out to dinner I don't know wait what you remember I tweet I had to
wait what you remember I tweet I had to join Twitter for the book and I tweeted
join Twitter for the book and I tweeted something to you directly of my love for
something to you directly of my love for you and you did it responsibly I was so
you and you did it responsibly I was so crushed so now I'm breaking up with you
crushed so now I'm breaking up with you [Applause]
[Applause] I just remembered I just remembered I'm
I just remembered I just remembered I'm mad at you or now we can break up
mad at you or now we can break up whatever works
whatever works [Applause]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
my first gases are fantastic I could and the best-selling writer and one of my
the best-selling writer and one of my favorites in the world and she smells
favorites in the world and she smells lovely she smells great I just smelled
lovely she smells great I just smelled her hair Oh what is it Oh smells like
her hair Oh what is it Oh smells like victory
victory oh yeah she's just about to do the final
oh yeah she's just about to do the final season of parenthood she's probably done
season of parenthood she's probably done it yeah it's ready to go all set and it
it yeah it's ready to go all set and it starts this Thursday on NBC
your buckets here thank you it's so nice to see it here in this on this desk well
to see it here in this on this desk well I I read it every day just a little
I I read it every day just a little chapter and I always look at this
chapter and I always look at this photograph at the back of your book
photograph at the back of your book cause it looks like you crouching like
cause it looks like you crouching like I'm ready to pounce like I might hurt
I'm ready to pounce like I might hurt yeah yeah that's like by this or I will
yeah yeah that's like by this or I will cut you look great sweetie
cut you look great sweetie thank you so like your jacket thank you
thank you so like your jacket thank you it's a Yeats poem on glitter on a jacket
it's a Yeats poem on glitter on a jacket it kind of is and it's horrible at the
it kind of is and it's horrible at the same time why read it when you can just
same time why read it when you can just wear it I kind of love this there are
wear it I kind of love this there are other literary giants available and get
other literary giants available and get to reject it for him I don't know let's
to reject it for him I don't know let's start a line of clothing
start a line of clothing oh I'm sure just be done fashion people
oh I'm sure just be done fashion people must do that all the time I don't know
must do that all the time I don't know what those people do do you watch
what those people do do you watch Project Runway do you so much yeah yeah
Project Runway do you so much yeah yeah yeah follow me to July exact Posen yes
yeah follow me to July exact Posen yes me too I think I I wasn't sure I was
me too I think I I wasn't sure I was gonna because when Michael Kors but no
gonna because when Michael Kors but no way I was like cuz we he oh I was like
way I was like cuz we he oh I was like Michael Kors did I liked what you were
Michael Kors did I liked what you were but I kind of didn't yes he kind of
but I kind of didn't yes he kind of talks a little bit then ask you a
talks a little bit then ask you a question at the end of what he's saying
question at the end of what he's saying are you really an aficionado of the
are you really an aficionado of the Project Runway I love it I've got to get
Project Runway I love it I've got to get me some Tim and Heidi yeah yeah thank
me some Tim and Heidi yeah yeah thank you nice football yeah no I remember
you nice football yeah no I remember seeing yeah it was hard to be a judge
seeing yeah it was hard to be a judge it's really challenging and it's a long
it's really challenging and it's a long night and it made me feel sad I didn't
night and it made me feel sad I didn't that's how I feel
that's how I feel watching Project Runway
watching Project Runway I didn't like judging the nice people
I didn't like judging the nice people they look so tired they were looking so
they look so tired they were looking so hard
hard well you don't what you should do is
well you don't what you should do is [ __ ] you're judging only on who you
[ __ ] you're judging only on who you like and who you don't like guys
like and who you don't like guys contestants just like life yeah it's
contestants just like life yeah it's just like life like no it's fine yeah
just like life like no it's fine yeah all right well you go up there listen I
all right well you go up there listen I have two things this was in the dressing
have two things this was in the dressing room this was my gift along with a nice
room this was my gift along with a nice Craig mug which I have like 10 out he
Craig mug which I have like 10 out he gave you that
gave you that yeah and it's and the flavor first of
yeah and it's and the flavor first of all it's gravel and and the flavor is
all it's gravel and and the flavor is salty Graham
salty Graham [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
fight me buh-bye ebook why don't ye my sub Oh cuz I'm a pirate
sub Oh cuz I'm a pirate yeah well salty yes yeah that's right
yeah well salty yes yeah that's right hard about to go into its final fatal
hard about to go into its final fatal season I'm gonna be really to be done
season I'm gonna be really to be done and which leads me to this other thing I
and which leads me to this other thing I brought and I just thought this was so
brought and I just thought this was so sweet because this was this is probably
sweet because this was this is probably I can't even bear to think about it but
I can't even bear to think about it but I think this might be our last time on
I think this might be our last time on this show together
this show together mm-hm and you wrote me this nice note oh
mm-hm and you wrote me this nice note oh well welcome back Lauren
[Applause] I admit it is somewhat spearing in its
I admit it is somewhat spearing in its pros but James Joyce who you are
pros but James Joyce who you are familiar with of course I think I think
familiar with of course I think I think he's got his own jacket laying out said
he's got his own jacket laying out said sentimentality is unearned emotion and I
sentimentality is unearned emotion and I agree with him I don't think you need to
agree with him I don't think you need to be sentimental but that's for you and I
be sentimental but that's for you and I will go on to greater things I think we
will go on to greater things I think we should do sure together okay
should do sure together okay we're detectives okay comedy detectives
we're detectives okay comedy detectives who live next door to each other and
who live next door to each other and have a sort of chemistry but never
have a sort of chemistry but never really and you don't know if they're
really and you don't know if they're going on and they might and then out and
going on and they might and then out and one night they get snowed in the Craig
one night they get snowed in the Craig Ferguson show no you don't think so I
Ferguson show no you don't think so I think there's a lack of comedy
think there's a lack of comedy detectives out there totally any no I
detectives out there totally any no I want some good laughs with my crimes and
want some good laughs with my crimes and maybe maybe we could have and the crimes
maybe maybe we could have and the crimes should be like no big crimes right like
should be like no big crimes right like crimes it like who stole this hat yeah
crimes it like who stole this hat yeah but then why do people come to us if
but then why do people come to us if they're like sort of meaningless crimes
they're like sort of meaningless crimes because what are we good at our job they
because what are we good at our job they come to us because we're reasonably
come to us because we're reasonably priced yeah and we are very strict Oh
priced yeah and we are very strict Oh with each other
with each other and we've got a whacky robot skeleton
and we've got a whacky robot skeleton lives next door such a long time to get
lives next door such a long time to get a show on the air maybe we should try
a show on the air maybe we should try like the live show we should like when
like the live show we should like when we're done to go do like a bus and truck
we're done to go do like a bus and truck and just we like live on a bus and drive
and just we like live on a bus and drive to city to city and you know
who gets the top bunk if you know what I'm saying you don't want that oh my
I'm saying you don't want that oh my goodness maybe we should fly separately
goodness maybe we should fly separately and separately okay coach maybe we
and separately okay coach maybe we should do separate shows and just so
should do separate shows and just so what you say is I never want to see you
what you say is I never want to see you again
again I'm staying in a nice way I'm deep I'm
I'm staying in a nice way I'm deep I'm very upset I have I'm having more
very upset I have I'm having more trouble saying I know that we're not
trouble saying I know that we're not really saying goodbye but I have had so
really saying goodbye but I have had so much fun with you on this show that I'm
much fun with you on this show that I'm truly you look you're look you're giving
truly you look you're look you're giving me the dead eyes you're like no emotion
me the dead eyes you're like no emotion no no I'm just thinking about that joke
no no I'm just thinking about that joke at the monologue earlier I'm sure I'm
at the monologue earlier I'm sure I'm having more trouble dealing with the end
having more trouble dealing with the end of our time than of my time so you know
of our time than of my time so you know you're one of my favorites one of my top
you're one of my favorites one of my top 25 no no no can't you tell from the note
25 no no no can't you tell from the note what I said well I would like and it's
what I said well I would like and it's not even signed love Craig it's just
not even signed love Craig it's just Craig
Craig but there's a look there's a little kiss
but there's a look there's a little kiss oh just X yeah yeah yeah oh why it's
oh just X yeah yeah yeah oh why it's just X cuz it's not a kiss it's X rated
just X cuz it's not a kiss it's X rated X no seriously I don't know what I'm
X no seriously I don't know what I'm gonna do
gonna do what oh what am I supposed to do I'm
what oh what am I supposed to do I'm serious I think we should do a show
serious I think we should do a show together maybe a set calm for camera set
together maybe a set calm for camera set calm so that we only have to be there a
calm so that we only have to be there a couple days a week okay
couple days a week okay are we detectives on that we're just a
are we detectives on that we're just a married couple and I mind you to get my
married couple and I mind you to get my green card to me we're just friends but
green card to me we're just friends but now we're falling in love by the way
now we're falling in love by the way this writes itself for you they're gonna
this writes itself for you they're gonna deport me you said oh look I'll marry
deport me you said oh look I'll marry you and then but they check up and said
you and then but they check up and said well you can just stay in the spare room
well you can just stay in the spare room and then they get snowed in I really
and then they get snowed in I really think it's a good idea and they learn to
think it's a good idea and they learn to love each other and be married
love each other and be married throughout the show they they you know
throughout the show they they you know they have to I mean they got married
they have to I mean they got married just for it but for legal yeah you know
just for it but for legal yeah you know they might you know what's this
they might you know what's this so-called marriage of convenience
so-called marriage of convenience oh my god
it's alright I love it alright I'm beginning to get quite series well it's
beginning to get quite series well it's it's that movie but we haven't seen it
it's that movie but we haven't seen it in a long time I've never said for legal
in a long time I've never said for legal reasons I don't even know what movie
reasons I don't even know what movie you're talking about it's called green
you're talking about it's called green card green card green card yeah but but
card green card green card yeah but but it wouldn't be for the green card be for
it wouldn't be for the green card be for a citizenship yes yeah or we could do it
a citizenship yes yeah or we could do it the other way around we could set it in
the other way around we could set it in Scotland and you marry me to say in
Scotland and you marry me to say in Scotland mmm does that do you have to do
Scotland mmm does that do you have to do that there now you can save you use your
that there now you can save you use your Patito
Patito have a great time I've never been to
have a great time I've never been to Scotland I really want to go there that
Scotland I really want to go there that could be one of the episodes of ours you
could be one of the episodes of ours you come back and meet my family who are all
come back and meet my family who are all gingers
then what happened to you why are you not I I had my hair dyed immigration on
not I I had my hair dyed immigration on Ellis Island as I can they're like no no
Ellis Island as I can they're like no no you can't have ginger hair yeah this is
you can't have ginger hair yeah this is an odd episode I am don't like it as
an odd episode I am don't like it as much
much should we already jumped the shark no no
should we already jumped the shark no no let's take a commercial break and we'll
let's take a commercial break and we'll be right Wesley will come right back
be right Wesley will come right back with a complete treatment for the show
[Applause] Hey we weren't if you are lawyers
Hey we weren't if you are lawyers sitting in an office about three years
sitting in an office about three years from now when our new show is a big hit
from now when our new show is a big hit and CBS are trying to get the money out
and CBS are trying to get the money out of his you're not having the idea you
of his you're not having the idea you think we're having right now anyway so
think we're having right now anyway so that's it okay well let's do that then I
that's it okay well let's do that then I guess okay all right and let's go on
guess okay all right and let's go on vacation cuz okay where should we go
vacation cuz okay where should we go are we married in real life I forgot I
are we married in real life I forgot I think we've come close a couple of times
think we've come close a couple of times you know be like if we well we were but
you know be like if we well we were but you're obviously married to somebody so
you're obviously married to somebody so yeah but didn't even conjecture but what
yeah but didn't even conjecture but what do you think it would be like if you
do you think it would be like if you never married yeah pretty fun I guess
never married yeah pretty fun I guess yeah that'd be good fun we're both tall
yeah that'd be good fun we're both tall with a yard that would make for a
with a yard that would make for a hilarious show I'd think about that
hilarious show I'd think about that though because I have acted with some
though because I have acted with some real shorties in my life I just mean
real shorties in my life I just mean it's me I am always like looking down at
it's me I am always like looking down at people and they're like but you know
people and they're like but you know everyone's tall now and showbiz in their
everyone's tall now and showbiz in their own way what I don't know you know cuz
own way what I don't know you know cuz you know you're gonna upset somebody by
you know you're gonna upset somebody by saying either somebody might be fire or
saying either somebody might be fire or somebody maybe sure people go crazy
somebody maybe sure people go crazy right all right well shorter than I am
right all right well shorter than I am I'm just at my TV daughter Mae Whitman
I'm just at my TV daughter Mae Whitman is in my dressing room right now and
is in my dressing room right now and she's she's a short person and I love
she's she's a short person and I love her
her oh no you should have outta dirt why
oh no you should have outta dirt why it's gonna be hard decision to say it
it's gonna be hard decision to say it makes she she she she here no yes should
makes she she she she here no yes should we say I'd yeah yeah
we say I'd yeah yeah [Applause]
hey hey hey Lord was saying mean things about you being short are you in
about you being short are you in microphone I brought this with me
microphone I brought this with me you're like Chris Rock yeah stage like
you're like Chris Rock yeah stage like waiting just for like not cool but
waiting just for like not cool but you're super morphin in shorts I am I
you're super morphin in shorts I am I don't know it's work you for standing
don't know it's work you for standing down there deal with all right
[Applause] [Music]
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