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Shedding Light on Student Depression | Jack Park | TEDxPenn
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You know, when I was a young kid, my mom
used to always tell me, "Did you brush
your teeth before I went to bed every
night?" Actually, who am I kidding? When
I go back home, my mom still asks me if
I brush my teeth every night before I go
21. But a few years ago, my mom started
to ask me a different question. Hey, did
you take your medication before I went
to bed? I take lithium before I go to
sleep almost every day. I took it last
night before this conference, too.
Lithium? I know. I know what that is.
That's the lithium ion battery. It's
what makes laptop and cell phone
batteries, right? But why is it in my
body? During the second semester of my
freshman year, I was a completely
different person. I hated myself for
weeks and weeks. Nothing gave me joy or
happiness. I had slowed cognition. I
started to stutter in class. I saw no
purpose in anything, no worth. I barely
ate. Day after day, I even had suicidal
thoughts. Living was painful and
meaningless anyway. Why live? One day in
my dorm, I almost lost myself to my
suicidality. Gasping for life, I then
finally decided I need some help. I
called my dad who immediately told my
mom to fly over here from Korea and take
me to a psychiatrist right away. I was diagnosed
diagnosed
MDD, major depressive
disorder. Although recommended to be
hospitalized, I ended up just staying in
my room instead for 4 months. I was on a
medical leave. Depression was not I had
a really bad day. I had a really bad
week, but it was I'm worthless. And for
my family, I'm clearly better off dead.
They'll be much more happy when I'm
gone. for four months. Every moment I
was awake. Depression was more painful
than that time in the hospital where I
broke my clavicle while I was
snowboarding. That's the closest
reference reference point I can think of
in terms of physical pain so far in my
life. However, soon I learned that my
DSM diagnosis was not of major
depressive disorder but actually bipolar
disorder. Bipolar disorder includes a
manic episode in addition to the
depressive episode. in mania. I almost
didn't sleep. I talked fast. I had
countless worldchanging business ideas.
I was arrogant and I was on a ridiculous
buying spree. I drank and smoked in
parties every night with a different
people for 40 days and night straight.
My friends and family thought I was
going crazy but just on the other
direction. Slowly I realized that I was
very abnormal. My psychiatrist told me
that I was manic and then taking the
lithium might help me prevent future
mania or depression if taken regularly
for the rest of my life. I then promised
myself to be more stable and later on
decided to return to PEN 2. Now I've
been taking lithium for 3 years. But
first in secret, what do I say to my
friends? I hid my pill bottles from my
roommates. When I was going to therapy,
I would just say I'm going to uh buy
something from the bookstore because the
bookstore is right next to Penn's
counseling. But last winter of
2014, total of six Penn students ended
their own lives over a period of 15
months, one of the one after another. It
reminded me of my own painful and
dangerous suicidality when I was a
freshman here. Hearing that news broke
my heart and brought me to tears. I
wanted to do something. I wanted to do
anything I could in order to reverse
this trend and address this issue
because I will never forget how much
pain I was in and how close to actual
death I went
to. After weeks of thoughts and prayer,
I first tell my close friends about my
past history and current condition. And
then I decide to share to the pen community.
community.
I start from a few hundred likes on my
Facebook and views on YouTube and notes
on Tumblr and shares on articles
featuring that post. I thought it was
crucial for students in distress to
reach their close social networks
whether it be their friends, their
parents, their psychological or
psychiatric services if necessary
without much stigma.
When your teeth hurts, you think of
visiting a dentist or chewing gum from expensive
expensive
pen. When you're suffering mentally or
emotionally, however, counseling or
therapy is not really one of your
options in your mind. I experienced and
witnessed some other coping strategies
common in college. sleeping in, watching
television, eating, binge drinking,
smoking, drugs, hookups, or even just
working harder to get a better results
as a coping mechanism for your
stress. Dental health is an acceptable
topic, but why is mental health sounding
very strange? Aren't you just sad?
Aren't you just going through a
stressful, tough time? Aren't you just
depressed like everybody else? Here's a problem.
problem.
The same word has two different
meanings. Hey, how are you doing today?
Oh, actually, I'm feeling really
depressed right now. What does that
mean? The same word depression could
either mean unhappiness or clinical
depression. Naturally, it's easy to
downplay what could be a medical
condition into just being sad or weak.
Some could just say that my suicidality
when I was a freshman was just an early
sophomore slump. I was just, you know,
common slump in college, an identity
crisis. Well, I'll give you that. Being
right in between adolescence and
adulthood, college is actually a crucial
stage of selfidentity formation. My
prefrontal cortex, which guides my
emotion and my decisions, is not even
fully mature yet. But under excessive
and unhealthy self- pressure or parental
or societal pressure, students often and
they actually do create harmful life
habits for themselves which can trigger
a real mental disorder for those with the
the
biofysical psychosocial vulnerabilities.
Now imagine this conversation on campus.
Hey man, what are you doing late night?
What are you doing later tonight? Oh,
after this bio class, I'm just finishing
my lab. I need to go get a good grade on
that one. Perfectly normal college
conversation, right? But notice this.
The have to or the need to in our daily
lives are self-directed authoritative
words. Dr. William Mace, a clinical
psychologist in Philadelphia who's also
passionate about college mental health,
claims that these can control our
emotional life or either or right or
wrong, black or white value judgments.
You have to do this today. You should do
that today. But you didn't. But you
couldn't. But the same conversation
could sound like this. Oh, after bio
class, I want to go finish my lab today.
I'd like to get a good grade on that
one. With this process for myself, I'm
trying to make the to-do list into want
to-do lists. I can recognize my own
voice in my life with more wantto's or
like toss. I don't have to. I want to.
This helps reduce unhealthy
self-pressure for me. I didn't have to
deliver a speech today because I'm a
mental health advocate, but I wanted to.
If you think you don't have a choice in
your mind, then you actually don't have
a choice in your mind. You don't have to
do something ever. Just be willing to be
accepting of the consequence of not
doing that
action. My friends in
college, you don't have to finish that
bolab. You don't have to join clubs or
that team or rush. You don't have to
lose or gain weight or dress nice. You
don't have to go to that party on the
weekend. You don't have to do well in
your classes. You don't have to research
or volunteer. You don't have to apply
for those jobs or grants or grad
schools. You don't have to graduate in
four years even. And after graduation,
you don't have to know exactly what
you're doing. We might all want to do
these things, but we don't ever have to.
Self-care for mental health in
particular should be much more
prioritized than it is today. Mental
disorders, suicidality takes away too
many lives. In fact, after car
accidents, suicide is the second leading
cause of death for United States in
college campuses. Like I mentioned, it
took away six student lives in Penn last
year. And actually during this 10-minute
speech, 15 more people entered their
lives around the world. But just even in
the United States alone, last year over
a thousand college students ended their
country. That's at least two or three
students today.
How to prevent student suicides? There's
no simple solution. I wish I knew. But
every student is so different. I'm
starting from one at a time. Starting
from myself. For me, my mental disease
breeds self-hate and
self-pity. I battled that with my belief
that God loves me. I'm so wonderfully
and fearfully made. So, who am I to not
love myself? Last winter, I wanted to
share that testimony to my friends at
Penn. I'm trying to save my own life
every day. Save it from excessive self
pressure, stress, and shame. Shame that
blocks me from getting that help when I
need it from psychiatric or
psychological services because I think
it makes me look
weak. Last night, I took my lithium, and
tonight I'll take it again, too. I don't
have to because my psychiatrist told me
to, but I want to. At least for now. I'm
not actually hiding it from my roommates
in a drawer anymore or
anyone. What's my future like? A life
sentence of
medication. Well, yeah, perhaps, but
still another sacred chance at life.
Mental illness is real, painful,
reoccurring, and often lethal. If you
feel like you need help, please get the
help. For me, suicide prevention is not
preventing suicides or preventing
deaths. It's about living more and
finding your purpose and joy in each of
your lives. Nobody can be actually saved
from death, after
all. Lastly, if your loved ones,
friends, or family need help, please
help them get the help. It's hard to get
help yourself when you're at such a
horrible place to begin with.
You don't need to be a therapist to have
a therapeutic conversation. And therapy
and medication, they help for sure, but
at the end, love heals people. I thank
my parents, family, and friends who
loved me back then and loved me till
now. And I thank God I'm still around
and be able to deliver a speech to you
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