0:22 You know, when I was a young kid, my mom
0:24 used to always tell me, "Did you brush
0:26 your teeth before I went to bed every
0:28 night?" Actually, who am I kidding? When
0:31 I go back home, my mom still asks me if
0:33 I brush my teeth every night before I go
0:41 21. But a few years ago, my mom started
0:43 to ask me a different question. Hey, did
0:45 you take your medication before I went
0:48 to bed? I take lithium before I go to
0:51 sleep almost every day. I took it last
0:52 night before this conference, too.
0:55 Lithium? I know. I know what that is.
0:58 That's the lithium ion battery. It's
1:00 what makes laptop and cell phone
1:02 batteries, right? But why is it in my
1:05 body? During the second semester of my
1:08 freshman year, I was a completely
1:10 different person. I hated myself for
1:14 weeks and weeks. Nothing gave me joy or
1:17 happiness. I had slowed cognition. I
1:20 started to stutter in class. I saw no
1:23 purpose in anything, no worth. I barely
1:27 ate. Day after day, I even had suicidal
1:30 thoughts. Living was painful and
1:34 meaningless anyway. Why live? One day in
1:38 my dorm, I almost lost myself to my
1:41 suicidality. Gasping for life, I then
1:44 finally decided I need some help. I
1:46 called my dad who immediately told my
1:49 mom to fly over here from Korea and take
1:51 me to a psychiatrist right away. I was diagnosed
1:53 diagnosed
1:56 MDD, major depressive
1:58 disorder. Although recommended to be
2:00 hospitalized, I ended up just staying in
2:04 my room instead for 4 months. I was on a
2:06 medical leave. Depression was not I had
2:08 a really bad day. I had a really bad
2:11 week, but it was I'm worthless. And for
2:14 my family, I'm clearly better off dead.
2:16 They'll be much more happy when I'm
2:20 gone. for four months. Every moment I
2:22 was awake. Depression was more painful
2:24 than that time in the hospital where I
2:25 broke my clavicle while I was
2:27 snowboarding. That's the closest
2:29 reference reference point I can think of
2:31 in terms of physical pain so far in my
2:35 life. However, soon I learned that my
2:37 DSM diagnosis was not of major
2:40 depressive disorder but actually bipolar
2:43 disorder. Bipolar disorder includes a
2:44 manic episode in addition to the
2:47 depressive episode. in mania. I almost
2:50 didn't sleep. I talked fast. I had
2:52 countless worldchanging business ideas.
2:56 I was arrogant and I was on a ridiculous
2:58 buying spree. I drank and smoked in
3:00 parties every night with a different
3:03 people for 40 days and night straight.
3:05 My friends and family thought I was
3:07 going crazy but just on the other
3:10 direction. Slowly I realized that I was
3:13 very abnormal. My psychiatrist told me
3:16 that I was manic and then taking the
3:18 lithium might help me prevent future
3:21 mania or depression if taken regularly
3:24 for the rest of my life. I then promised
3:26 myself to be more stable and later on
3:28 decided to return to PEN 2. Now I've
3:30 been taking lithium for 3 years. But
3:32 first in secret, what do I say to my
3:35 friends? I hid my pill bottles from my
3:37 roommates. When I was going to therapy,
3:39 I would just say I'm going to uh buy
3:41 something from the bookstore because the
3:43 bookstore is right next to Penn's
3:48 counseling. But last winter of
3:51 2014, total of six Penn students ended
3:54 their own lives over a period of 15
3:58 months, one of the one after another. It
4:00 reminded me of my own painful and
4:03 dangerous suicidality when I was a
4:06 freshman here. Hearing that news broke
4:07 my heart and brought me to tears. I
4:09 wanted to do something. I wanted to do
4:11 anything I could in order to reverse
4:13 this trend and address this issue
4:15 because I will never forget how much
4:18 pain I was in and how close to actual
4:19 death I went
4:23 to. After weeks of thoughts and prayer,
4:26 I first tell my close friends about my
4:28 past history and current condition. And
4:30 then I decide to share to the pen community.
4:32 community.
4:34 I start from a few hundred likes on my
4:38 Facebook and views on YouTube and notes
4:41 on Tumblr and shares on articles
4:44 featuring that post. I thought it was
4:46 crucial for students in distress to
4:48 reach their close social networks
4:50 whether it be their friends, their
4:52 parents, their psychological or
4:55 psychiatric services if necessary
4:57 without much stigma.
4:59 When your teeth hurts, you think of
5:02 visiting a dentist or chewing gum from expensive
5:04 expensive
5:07 pen. When you're suffering mentally or
5:09 emotionally, however, counseling or
5:11 therapy is not really one of your
5:15 options in your mind. I experienced and
5:17 witnessed some other coping strategies
5:20 common in college. sleeping in, watching
5:23 television, eating, binge drinking,
5:26 smoking, drugs, hookups, or even just
5:28 working harder to get a better results
5:30 as a coping mechanism for your
5:33 stress. Dental health is an acceptable
5:36 topic, but why is mental health sounding
5:39 very strange? Aren't you just sad?
5:40 Aren't you just going through a
5:43 stressful, tough time? Aren't you just
5:46 depressed like everybody else? Here's a problem.
5:48 problem.
5:50 The same word has two different
5:53 meanings. Hey, how are you doing today?
5:54 Oh, actually, I'm feeling really
5:56 depressed right now. What does that
5:57 mean? The same word depression could
6:00 either mean unhappiness or clinical
6:02 depression. Naturally, it's easy to
6:04 downplay what could be a medical
6:07 condition into just being sad or weak.
6:10 Some could just say that my suicidality
6:12 when I was a freshman was just an early
6:14 sophomore slump. I was just, you know,
6:17 common slump in college, an identity
6:20 crisis. Well, I'll give you that. Being
6:22 right in between adolescence and
6:25 adulthood, college is actually a crucial
6:28 stage of selfidentity formation. My
6:30 prefrontal cortex, which guides my
6:33 emotion and my decisions, is not even
6:37 fully mature yet. But under excessive
6:40 and unhealthy self- pressure or parental
6:43 or societal pressure, students often and
6:46 they actually do create harmful life
6:48 habits for themselves which can trigger
6:51 a real mental disorder for those with the
6:53 the
6:56 biofysical psychosocial vulnerabilities.
6:59 Now imagine this conversation on campus.
7:01 Hey man, what are you doing late night?
7:03 What are you doing later tonight? Oh,
7:05 after this bio class, I'm just finishing
7:07 my lab. I need to go get a good grade on
7:09 that one. Perfectly normal college
7:12 conversation, right? But notice this.
7:15 The have to or the need to in our daily
7:18 lives are self-directed authoritative
7:21 words. Dr. William Mace, a clinical
7:24 psychologist in Philadelphia who's also
7:26 passionate about college mental health,
7:27 claims that these can control our
7:29 emotional life or either or right or
7:32 wrong, black or white value judgments.
7:34 You have to do this today. You should do
7:36 that today. But you didn't. But you
7:38 couldn't. But the same conversation
7:41 could sound like this. Oh, after bio
7:44 class, I want to go finish my lab today.
7:45 I'd like to get a good grade on that
7:48 one. With this process for myself, I'm
7:51 trying to make the to-do list into want
7:54 to-do lists. I can recognize my own
7:56 voice in my life with more wantto's or
8:00 like toss. I don't have to. I want to.
8:02 This helps reduce unhealthy
8:04 self-pressure for me. I didn't have to
8:07 deliver a speech today because I'm a
8:10 mental health advocate, but I wanted to.
8:12 If you think you don't have a choice in
8:14 your mind, then you actually don't have
8:17 a choice in your mind. You don't have to
8:20 do something ever. Just be willing to be
8:22 accepting of the consequence of not
8:23 doing that
8:26 action. My friends in
8:28 college, you don't have to finish that
8:31 bolab. You don't have to join clubs or
8:34 that team or rush. You don't have to
8:37 lose or gain weight or dress nice. You
8:39 don't have to go to that party on the
8:41 weekend. You don't have to do well in
8:42 your classes. You don't have to research
8:44 or volunteer. You don't have to apply
8:46 for those jobs or grants or grad
8:47 schools. You don't have to graduate in
8:49 four years even. And after graduation,
8:51 you don't have to know exactly what
8:53 you're doing. We might all want to do
8:58 these things, but we don't ever have to.
9:01 Self-care for mental health in
9:03 particular should be much more
9:06 prioritized than it is today. Mental
9:09 disorders, suicidality takes away too
9:11 many lives. In fact, after car
9:13 accidents, suicide is the second leading
9:16 cause of death for United States in
9:19 college campuses. Like I mentioned, it
9:22 took away six student lives in Penn last
9:26 year. And actually during this 10-minute
9:29 speech, 15 more people entered their
9:32 lives around the world. But just even in
9:36 the United States alone, last year over
9:39 a thousand college students ended their
9:48 country. That's at least two or three
9:51 students today.
9:53 How to prevent student suicides? There's
9:56 no simple solution. I wish I knew. But
9:58 every student is so different. I'm
10:00 starting from one at a time. Starting
10:03 from myself. For me, my mental disease
10:06 breeds self-hate and
10:09 self-pity. I battled that with my belief
10:12 that God loves me. I'm so wonderfully
10:14 and fearfully made. So, who am I to not
10:17 love myself? Last winter, I wanted to
10:19 share that testimony to my friends at
10:21 Penn. I'm trying to save my own life
10:24 every day. Save it from excessive self
10:26 pressure, stress, and shame. Shame that
10:28 blocks me from getting that help when I
10:29 need it from psychiatric or
10:31 psychological services because I think
10:33 it makes me look
10:37 weak. Last night, I took my lithium, and
10:40 tonight I'll take it again, too. I don't
10:42 have to because my psychiatrist told me
10:46 to, but I want to. At least for now. I'm
10:47 not actually hiding it from my roommates
10:50 in a drawer anymore or
10:53 anyone. What's my future like? A life
10:55 sentence of
10:57 medication. Well, yeah, perhaps, but
11:01 still another sacred chance at life.
11:03 Mental illness is real, painful,
11:06 reoccurring, and often lethal. If you
11:09 feel like you need help, please get the
11:11 help. For me, suicide prevention is not
11:12 preventing suicides or preventing
11:14 deaths. It's about living more and
11:17 finding your purpose and joy in each of
11:19 your lives. Nobody can be actually saved
11:21 from death, after
11:24 all. Lastly, if your loved ones,
11:27 friends, or family need help, please
11:30 help them get the help. It's hard to get
11:32 help yourself when you're at such a
11:34 horrible place to begin with.
11:36 You don't need to be a therapist to have
11:39 a therapeutic conversation. And therapy
11:42 and medication, they help for sure, but
11:46 at the end, love heals people. I thank
11:48 my parents, family, and friends who
11:50 loved me back then and loved me till
11:52 now. And I thank God I'm still around
11:54 and be able to deliver a speech to you
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