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When You Stop Caring, Everything Falls into Place
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What if I told you that caring what
people think has nothing to do with
insecurity and everything to do with
your identity? I used to be trapped by
the fearful other people thought about
me. After making these five mindset
shifts, I was able to actually detach
from their opinions and live my life
exactly how I wanted to. Even now, as
the face of a multi-million dollar
company where I get on constantly and
guess what? I don't give a it's fine.
So, if you want to understand how to
emotionally detach and stop needing
external validation from others, this
video is for you. Number one is ignore
applause. Just because people praise you
doesn't mean you're on the right path.
Applause is not a north star. Praise or
applause. They are reflections of other
people's preferences, not your purpose.
If it's not aligned with your values,
it's a distraction, not direction to go
in. And I think that often times,
especially now, there's no separation
between the real world and social media.
And because of that, it's like praise
and applause have actually become one of
the easiest addictions to justify,
especially when you're building
something, whether you're building
yourself, a business, a relationship,
and people start to notice. So, for
example, I make content, right? It was
about a year and a half ago. My team
said, "Hey, we want you to make a video
on branding." And I remember I made the
video and the whole time I just felt
like this like visceral like bad feeling
in my gut. And I got done and I said, "I
just don't think this is for me. I just
don't like love it. I don't feel like
I'm an expert on it. It's not something
I really want to talk about." And so I
decided I was like, I'm not going to.
And if I ever want to talk about it
again in the future, I allow myself to
do so. But just because other people
want me to, they like what I have to say
and they like the video and hit the
thumbs up button, doesn't mean I need to
keep doing it. So what you want to
recognize is that people are applauding
you because you are acting in a way that
they prefer you act. So once I realize
that people are just applauding me
because of themselves, it doesn't mean
that I should keep doing the thing. It's
that they like when I talk about that
thing. It doesn't mean I like when I
talk about that thing. it doesn't mean
that I should live my life that way
because maybe I don't like doing the
thing that they applauded me for. Maybe
I'm just over it. Maybe I liked it for a
minute and now I want to change. And so
somebody liking what you said, what you
wore and posted on social media, how you
run your business, how you speak, what
you cook for dinner, that's their
preference and their interpretation of
the situation, not yours. So the
question that you want to ask yourself
is, is the thing that they're approving
of aligned with my values and what I
want to do? And if it is, amazing.
That's great. You've hit the trifecta.
It's like people like it, you like it.
Great. But if not, then you need to
realize that applause is not objective
confirmation that you're on the right
track in life. And I know it sounds
obvious when I say it. But we do not
treat it that way. People like our
posts, we say, "Oh, I'll just make only
posts like that. I'll forget all the
other stuff I like. People like
something we do in a relationship, we do
more of that, even though we don't even
like it." And so ultimately,
preferences, especially other people's,
they're based on emotions, not on
values. Values are based on principles.
And so if you're constantly chasing
other people's preferences, you're
actually feeding in more to what other
people think of you and becoming a
person that exists to please them, not
yourself. And that happens to us in life
all the freaking time. People want us to
do things, act in a certain way, dress a
certain way, look a certain way, do
certain things because they like it, not
because we like it, and not even because
they value it, but because they like it.
So it's based on their emotions, which
are fleeting, not even on their values.
This happens in relationships all the
time, too. You might do something once
for your partner. Maybe you cook them
dinner and maybe you don't like cooking,
right? I like cooking, but maybe you
don't like cooking and you cook dinner
for them once. They're like, "Oh my
gosh, I would love it if you did this
every night." You're like, "You know
what? I'm going to cook them dinner
every night because they like it." And
then what happens over time, what you
start to notice is like you feel less
and less like yourself. You feel less
and less empowered and you feel more and
more resentful because what happens when
you start to abide by other people's
preferences is you eventually build up
resentment to those people whether they
know it or not and whether you know it
or not. The second thing is that we have
to reframe criticism. Most criticism
stems from someone else's discomfort.
Okay, get this. People judge what
challenges their world view and their
reaction is more about them regulating
or not regulating their own emotions
than about who you are or what you do. I
really want you guys to just listen to
what I'm saying here. Criticism reveals
way more about them than about you. So,
I'll give you an example. I was on
social media and somebody sent me a post
of some woman dismantling me, right? and
essentially saying that she thinks that
the way I do business is far too
masculine and she believes that I would
succeed more if I did it in a different
way. And so I'm watching this and I'm
watching this post that she made about
me and I'm consuming it. And then you
know what I think to myself? I'm going
to be honest. In the first moment I'm
like I'm going to just go ham on this
and light her up. I can say so many
things. Of course my mind goes there for
5 seconds but then my mind goes to oh
she feels uncomfortable. Why does she
feel uncomfortable? She feels
uncomfortable because I'm succeeding in
a way that she would prefer I don't. She
would prefer that I act more like her
and I do things her way to become
successful rather than do things my way
and act like me to become successful.
And so because she doesn't know how to
deal with that discomfort, she has to
make a post about me. And then I
realized I had an urge to criticize her
because I don't like the fact that
somebody who dismantles and talks about
other people can still succeed. She was
still successful. that made me
uncomfortable. And so I wanted to say
something about it. And then I realized
I was like, "Oh yeah, I have this core
belief and this very large preference
that I would prefer people who are mean
to other people do not succeed." And
I've been that way my entire life. I
remember before I got into business, I
thought to myself, mean people don't
succeed, right? Bad people don't make
money. And then I realized I was very
wrong. But as you can see, it's just two
people who are feeling uncomfortable at
the other person's way of living their
life. So hear me out. Criticism, it can
sting. It can suck. It can feel
terrible. Even more than praise feels
good for the most part. But what is
criticism really? Criticism is often
when something about you, something you
did makes somebody else uncomfortable.
They don't know how to manage that
discomfort. They outsource their
discomfort. They blame you. They label
you. They diminish you. They demean you.
They judge you. Judgment is another word
for unmanaged discomfort. So you really
think about this. We all judge people.
By the way, I judge people too for sure.
Of course I judge people. But what you
want to ask yourself is when somebody
else criticizes you, what belief does
their criticism contradict about what
you believe to be true in this world?
And then when they're criticizing you,
you ask yourself, what did I do to make
them so uncomfortable? And if you break
it down like that, it helps so much
because you see it objectively rather
than subjectively just taking the hit of
whatever emotional blow they're trying
to put your way. And that fundamentally
changed everything for me once I
understood that I do something, it makes
somebody uncomfortable. When they're
uncomfortable and they have low
emotional regulation skills, they
criticize me, they make fun of me, they
demean me, they diminish me. Number
three is that you will always be judged.
Whether you seek applause or avoid
criticism, you will be judged and you
will be misunderstood. Here's the
reality. You will be judged no matter
what. So, when I first started making
content, I remember thinking, if I do my
best and I structure everything out and
I do it like X, Y, and Z, nobody will
say anything mean, right? People aren't
going to criticize me and I'm going to
feel really good about everything I'm
putting out. And instead, the opposite
happened. For the first, you know, 18
months of putting out content, I just
got on left and right. I remember even
my husband looking at me and he was
like, damn, you've got it rough. And I
was like, why? What am I doing? And it
was like the things that people were
pointing out were things I would have
never expected. It was like, your voice,
you sound like Ben Shapiro or steroids
or you smoke or what's going on? Where's
that coming from? Right? Maybe you're
asking that. The second is that people
were like, "Oh, Leila, but your husband,
this rich famous man, you're just riding
his coattails. Who are you? Where did
you come from, peasant?" And then the
last one was just discrediting
everything altogether and saying I'm
some internet guru when in fact I'd been
running a company for 8 years. It was
funny because all these things happened
and I remember thinking the entire time
like why is this happening to me? Like
what do I do with this? And it wasn't
until I realized is that the more I
don't seek to ask for permission as to
what content I post, what I talk about,
how I act, how I dress, how I talk, how
I run my company, how I run my marriage,
how I run my life, the happier I am. So
for 18 months, I tried to figure out
what do I do to make these people shut
the [ __ ] up? How do I have to talk? How
do I have to dress? What kind of content
do I have to make? And eventually, I
remember there was one day where I
realized nothing about the situation
needed to change. Everything about my
perspective about it did. And I just
need to accept that the price of fame,
the price of enjoyment, the price of
success is being criticized. It is just
the downside of the upside. And so what
I've realized now is that the more that
I do things the way I want to, the more
criticism I get and the happier I get.
What I learned through that whole
process is that applause doesn't mean
you're right. Criticism doesn't mean
you're wrong. Ultimately, the only
judgment that matters is yours measured
against whatever it is that you've
chosen to stand for. Number four is you
want to choose your values. Okay? True
clarity comes from intentionally
deciding what you stand for. Values
aren't put upon you, they're chosen by
you. So, I'll give you guys an example.
I when I started making content, and
even to this day, I have this guy who is
a relentless hater of me online. And
it's one thing if you're a relentless
hater, but he actually has a following
and he's quite known in the space, but
he just left and right would just take
shots at me. I have never once responded
to the guy. I've never talked to him. I
pretend I don't even know who he is. But
every time I read his comments, it's
like completely trying to dismantle me
as a person. And what I realized over
time is that when I zoomed out, I was
like, he's not wrong. I'm not wrong. We
have different values. What he values,
right, is he thinks that I work too
hard. I don't have a good relationship.
I don't take care of myself. And what I
could do is I could just provide proof
of all those things, right? That's what
a lot of people do is they say, "Let me
show you. I actually do all these things
you're saying." Or I could say,
"Understood. So you have different
values than me. You don't value working
long hours. You don't value resilience.
You don't value the discipline the same
way I do. That's okay." Right? And for
him, he has a business that makes a
small amount of money, but he gets to
live his life however he wants. And so
when I look at him and I feel icky, it's
because I feel like I don't support your
values where you won't sacrifice for the
greater good. Right? I don't respect
that. I don't value that. Right? that's
not one of my values. And so it actually
just came down to we have completely
different values in life. I value
working hard, sacrificing to do good for
a greater group of people. He values
health, relationships, connection, and
not sacrificing as much. Both work and
both are okay. And in that moment, it
was probably just a sign that maybe he
wasn't aware of that and he wasn't able
to regulate his own emotions because in
those moments when he said, "Hey, you
know, you're too intense. This is too
much sacrifice. You're too hard
charging. you're not feminine enough.
Those weren't value statements. Those
are preferences that he has, right? And
so he's basically saying, I don't know
how to handle the fact that I am not
comfortable with her intensity, her
discipline, her competitiveness, and so
I'm going to take my discomfort and put
it on you because it doesn't align with
my values. I don't understand. As I'm
reading what this guy's writing about
me, I don't need to ignore all of it. I
also don't need to consider all of it,
but I do want to filter through my
values. I think that's the most
important distinction because when I was
reading what he was saying, I was like,
there's some points here. The question
is, is it aligned with my values? Now,
if somebody were to come to me and they
were to criticize me for something that
is a value of mine, like they were to
say like, you're not honest. That would
hurt. I'd be like, was I not honest in
that moment? Because honesty is like my
number one value. That would feel
terrible. But if they're going to come
to me and be like, you're not soft
enough and you don't spend enough time
doing fun hobbies. I'd be like, yes, no,
I don't. You are correct, sir. Right.
Let's move on. Number five is that your
values are a filter. So when you receive
praise or you receive criticism, don't
ask yourself, "Oh, do they like it? Are
people going to like this?" Instead,
ask, "Is this aligned with the values
that I stand for?" And that is the
question that will set you free and make
all this worth it. You use your values
as a filter for every reaction. I'll
give you an example. I made a video a
couple months ago and it was a skit. And
I thought it was going to be fun. I
thought it would be fun to try some
skits for content. And I really like the
idea and so I did a skit. I thought it
was funny and it got like, I don't know,
20 million views or something. And I had
a couple people come to me and they were
like, "Hey, so I don't know about these
skits." And I was like, "What about the
skits?" And they were like, "Well, you
don't want to become famous for like
these skits." And I was like, "Well,
why?" And they were like, "Well, it just
seems too silly. It's like not your
brand." And I was like, "I actually
think it's exactly my brand. Like I am
very intense and also I can be very
funny. What the?" Then I put it through
my filter and I said, "Well, what's my
number one value?" Right? If I'm using
my values as a filter, honesty. I
honestly thought it was a hilarious
video. I honestly act like that many
times and I honestly enjoyed making it.
And so I felt like it was actually a
better representation of me to start
doing things like that, to lean into the
things I like than it would to not do
it. And so I asked myself that a lot
when people bring to me their opinions,
their preferences. I just filter them
through my values, right? It's one of
the first things that I do when I'm
thinking about where do I spend my time?
How do I spend my life? I say, "Am I
doing this or do I want to do this
because it aligns with my values or
because it avoids judgment from
somebody?" In the past, I did not have
good answers to that question because I
didn't even know my values. And the
second thing is that I realized that I
did a lot of things just to avoid that
judgment. Like that person bringing up
that video. I did things because of
that, not because of my values. And so
what I live by now is this. Values are
not feelings. Values are decisions. You
don't find them out of nowhere under a
rock and you don't feel them. You don't
feel them. you pick them intentionally
and I think it's hard because a lot of
people inherit their values from maybe
maybe it's your parents maybe it's
religion maybe it's Instagram or Tik Tok
I don't know but then they're like why
does this feel terrible and off track
and like I don't like my life and it's
because they didn't consciously choose
their values but when you consciously
choose your values and you act in
alignment with them your life gets so
much simpler now I wouldn't say it gets
easier because I think sometimes it gets
harder but it does get simpler now why
does it get simpler one you stop chasing
applause you are not looking to get
applause pause from other people. You
are looking to live your life in
alignment with those values. So, at the
end of the day, every day, you feel good
about yourself when you're laying in
bed. The second thing is that you stop
running from criticism. You recognize
that part of the equation is a
trade-off. When you have really strong
values, you will likely be strongly
criticized. And you actually understand
that sometimes being criticized is a
good thing because it means that you're
living your life so potently, living out
your values that people that don't with
your values and don't align with your
values and don't have the same ones are
going to run the opposite direction,
scream from the hills how crazy you are.
And then you just get to do what's
aligned with your values and you. You
get to do the stuff that makes you
happy. You get to do the stuff that lets
you live your life in a way that feels
good to you and that's aligned with the
decisions that you want to make to be
the person you want to be. At the end of
the day, you get to choose your values.
And because of those values, you can use
those as a filter to criticism. And I
think that that's where real confidence
and freedom comes from because a lot of
people ask me, "How do I get over
criticism? How do I deal with all these
people judging me?" And the truth is,
you don't. It happens. You just anchor
so deeply in your values that it makes
all the criticism worth it. And so the
reality is this. If you don't anchor
your identity somewhere solid, somewhere
that cannot be defeated by what people
say about you, whether it's good or bad,
you will just drift into becoming a
reflection of the preferences and
desires of other people. And honestly, I
don't think there is any worse place to
be than one where you are literally a
ghost of yourself that exists because of
what other people want out of you. So,
if you define your values, you ignore
everything else, you can be the person
you want to be. If you like this video,
make sure to subscribe to my channel
because I love sharing all these mindset shifts.
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