Actress Lauren Graham discusses her new book, "Have I Told You This Already?", which reflects on her early career, the nature of memory and authenticity, and her evolving perspective on fame and self-presentation.
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my guest today is Lauren Graham you know
Lauren from Gilmore Girls from
Parenthood from Zoe's extraordinary
playlist from the Mighty Ducks game
changers now on Disney plus and she's
here today to talk about her fourth book
Abba told you this already welcome
thank you
um so I first want to talk about
um kind of what prompted you to write
this story
um it's your fourth book it's some
stories that are really mostly I feel
like your earlier career
um kind of your story of making it not
the idea of making it but just like the
little moments that happened along the way
way
um so what for you wanted you to tell
this story now
um well we had this little pandemic and
um I needed to do something with my
brain and I have celiac disease so I
couldn't make sourdough bread so I
um it it was a function of having time
but it was also a function of of
um getting to a place in my life where
I've had dear friends for so long and
and family members who know all my key
stories of
or the stories I tell myself of how one
thing led to another and how I got here
and it doesn't even mainly have to do
with show business it's just the me
who's here today like here are the
building blocks of that and
um but I was particularly struck when I
discovered uh
which is in the book that the story of
my father had been telling me about the
day I was born had some complete Mis uh
information in it and
I was just
thinking thematically about memory and
time and our ideas about ourselves and
you know was this story
his version just because that's how he
remembered it or was the true version
the right version and
um and is it a good idea to be so tied
to our sense of ourselves in the past or
do you need to constantly rethink that
rethink how your past where where how it
made you
um and
having done another book of essays I
knew that where I wanted to start was I
I'd have an idea for a for a chapter
title and I knew vaguely kind of what
area I wanted it to cover
um so that's a little bit about where it
came from yeah
um I love that the pandemic has a time of
of
self-reflection actually doing the thing
I think was the most challenging part
um so it works and I started it and then
I went back to work on Mighty Ducks and
so it took me I've never met a deadline
and that that's not something I'm proud
it's you know it it was born in the
pandemic but it was or it was conceived
in the pandemic but it was born later it
had a long gestation period
um I I do love though when it you talk
about the real early days of of what
it's like attempting to be a working actress
actress
um a lot of that I thought was really
Universal for anyone who's a dreamer for
anyone who's envisioned a career for
themselves and then you actually get
there on the first day and it's it's a
lot different so I was wondering if you
could share some of that um with our
viewers so they can get a little bit of
a taste of like what you thought acting
was going to be like in New York and
then in LA and then like what it
actually was
oh gosh it's that's a hard one to to
narrow down I
I
one thing I'm struck by is how much
even though I had so much anxiety or so
much worry or so much you know working
all these jobs um
um
not I'm not getting to be an actor
except maybe in class or doing some sort
of like you know
uh amateur theater but when I first got
to Los Angeles in particular because
that's where I really started working I
made commercials in New York and I would
get little things little day or two on a
soap or something but once I got to La I
really started working and I can't
believe how much confidence I had it was
completely unwarranted and and actually
over time as I learned more I almost had
to recalibrate
what my sense of myself was because
especially in the late 90s in Los
Angeles everything was a half hour
um sitcom and those are just inherently
fun like it's doing like a theater you
have a live audience I'd have these
little fun parts and I'm getting to my
first job was on Third Rock From the Sun
with John Lithgow and Jane Curtin and I
was just like my I was so excited all
the time and I was living with my friend
Connie Britton and she was she was on
Ellen and uh the sitcom Ellen and um we
just were having so much fun and then it
got more complicated tell us a little
bit about like how you met her and then
how you ended up sharing an apartment
well this is also just blind I don't
even know we were in the same acting
class and win hanman's acting class in
New York which was a very just
incredible group of people and Wynn was
an incredible teacher
um and we were assigned to do uh a scene
lifted from or basically it was the
short story The JD Salinger short story
Uncle Wigley in Connecticut
um which is two women who don't know
each other that well getting drunk
together so naturally she came to my
house and we drank and tried to learn
lines and um so we just cut we kind of
became friendly and then she uh did this
movie Brothers McMullen which was
starting to do the festival circuit and
we we just didn't know anything and she
she was going to La and I had gotten a
pilot and I was going to La and she had
this house that we could sort of
illegally stay at and we just all
thought we just thought that was
fantastic and
um so we went to LA and we rented
horrible cars and we you know worked a
little and just had fun and um I think
both of us felt like that early Rush of
I'm getting to do what I hoped I got to
do it didn't matter how big the part was
didn't matter what the show was it was just
just
that was that first level of like all
our dreams have come true and then of
course you make new dreams once your
dreams have come true yeah and just like
the I I can imagine the adrenaline rush of
of
capturing some of that is is enough for
you to is enough for you to run on for
the next till the next thing
um by the way the adrenaline rush of
having cell phones which no one in New
York had you know you check your service
from the pay phone and we just I say it
in the book but we would just call each
other because we were the only people we
knew who had yeah and your managers like
that's it just the the connected folks
um I I love that you just from your
writing and the type of writer you are
your sense of humor comes through
um through really every story you tell
um even some of the dark stuff like it's
none of this book is really dark at all
but there are moments you talk about
some of the rejection you talk about
some of the um needing to have body
parts look a certain way to
really kind of fit in and feel like
you're getting
um seen for the right reasons
um and how that's tough
um do you like always maintain a sense
of humor through through Dark Times
through challenges
um or is this more your writing style
where you take like a step back and then
you kind of tell the stuff that is able
to be a little bit funny
I think luckily for me my actual voice
and my writing voice are quite aligned
um I I can only think in the way I would
say it
in a way and the way I
tell a story is usually through a lens
of isn't this insane and
um and finding I don't even know that
it's finding the humor I just think
that's how I've always been [Music]
[Music] um
um
and so I try to
speak I try to speak through my pen not
that I'm writing freehand um
um
but that's some things that uh I I
struggle with different things as a
writer I struggle with structure I
struggle with um
structure and plot I would mainly but
there it's natural sounds like you developed
developed
storytelling just through being around
your dad that that you mentioned that a
little bit in the beginning but um that
his stories were always something that was
was
a part of growing up I mean tell me a
story you know he would read to me at
bedtime but he was also as I say he had
his stories that are you know the
building blocks of his childhood that
you know he goes back to and
told to me and told to my brother and
sister and um but I would say I come
from a family of very dryly funny
storytellers and
um like on especially my dad's side of
the family I have a lot of cousins so I
spent a lot of time with growing up and
just the car stories alone could fill an
entire book of like the cars that broke down
down
uh the I mentioned this in the book we
lost a car once no one knew who had it
last and where it had died on the side
of the road or who towed it I mean it's
so I I come from a good family of
storytellers storytelling when you sort
of become famous and people want to hear
people want to hear from you you talk a
lot about late night shows
um I think one of the one of the ones I
remember the most is you talk about when
Gilmore Girls is gaining traction you're
getting you're getting booked on some of
these shows and then
you've learned that a lot of these
interview shows it's actually sort of rehearsed
rehearsed
um and somewhat exaggerated depending depending
depending um
um
and share a little bit about that I'll
let you can leave the details for for
readers but yeah just this idea that
like you arrive and you're here you're
here to finally share yourself as a
person as Beyond sort of the role and
then here's another role for you right
that was that was a another piece of uh
information that no one tells you is and
of course when you think about it
these shows you know are delineated by
commercial breaks and of course you want
a story that you know is completed
within that amount of time and sometimes
a tweak will help but what I didn't know
is some people would have their writers
you know if they were on a half hour
show or something they'd have their
writers kind of form their stories or
they'd tweaked the ending
um and I it it just caused me to
question what else was not totally
authentic you know
um and and where how how I felt about
was it more important to tell the real
story or was it more important to be
funny on a talk show or
could I because sometimes in in the
moments where you're supposed to be the
most real which is as yourself it feels
like a lie to change the story even if
it's for the impact and it I think I've
struggled with that over the years of
I'm very private and
if I'm going to tell something personal
how far do I go how
you know how much do I change I so I
still don't really have the answer but
I'm definitely asking the question you
are a writer and it writing seems to be
something that you will continue to do
and I am wondering if writing is a way
for you to cut through that and to
actually be yourself I think so and I
think that's why I before I really
thought I am also a writer and that's
something I'm going to take seriously
and do as a another kind of pursuit I
started asking when I'd get you know an
article in something can I write it can
it be a question and answer that they
send me the questions and I write them
down because I'm not always known of us
or as articulate off the cuff and I
I just wanted to
not look at something and go that's not
how I said it or that's not what I meant
or that feels
false and I think that um
um
Instinct led to what I'm sitting here
talking about today and it's not really
I'm not injured by you know a
misinterpretation necessarily I'd just
rather be the one if I'm going to be
wrong I'd rather be wrong myself I just
I want to be the one to tell the story I
guess you talk a lot about
um all kind of the the phases of what
wellness and and being camera ready men
over the years like kind of starting in
the 90s with to the point where
everyone's eating the same lunch to now
where it's like who's doing the thing
and what is actually what is the thing
and all that um
I loved how you did mention that these
Health camps are something that you you
have a fondness for a love-hate
relationship with
um and that it's mostly about letting
someone else have control
um so that in terms of that side of
things maybe just letting someone else
do it all and and doing the thing can
you talk a little bit about that and how
that's that's very different than
wanting to write the thing yeah I tell
the truth and just maybe just like
letting it ride and going to the camp
yeah well they're probably related to
one another which is
in in the um
it's all public private and
kind of what
what
it's me but then I'm the instrument too
so I'm playing a part but that part has
my arms and my note like it's it's the
part is my self which involves my face
and body and I of course always knew
that but um
it's it's it's just quite a thing to
wake up every day and think
you know
worry about you know get to work at six
in the morning and feel like
you're bloated from the sushi you ate
last night you know it's just like it's
always on your mind in terms of
um my what I do with in my personal life
affects my professional life and so
there's a
fatigue that can come with that that
yeah it just makes me want to like but I
had a trainer once who used to say I'm
not the dry cleaners you can't just drop
yourself off and like expect to be like
good as new you have to you know do move
to be responsible on your own too but I
don't know I guess it's a way of dealing
with whatever the pressure is that at
times I've just sort of thrown up my
hands I'm not always living in like oh
God what do I do about myself today but
it's there it's there in in this career and
and
um so it's just something to think about
and maybe dispose of or not think about
anymore or go to some hideous Health
Camp or I think it's just an ever
um you know it's an ever-present issue
it's just part of it and it's just part
of it it looks different maybe every few
years it changes
um yeah and I think some people have a
much easier time um
um
accepting that or you know um
um
I I don't know that everybody struggles
I mean there's plenty of you know
actresses who are those people you knew
in high school who were just like naturally
naturally
ridiculous looking and they don't you
know they don't have
to worry about it but um I don't know
it's just something to think about
I don't know well another part of your
career that you've you've opened up is
directing so I wanted to congratulate
you on directing your first TV episode
um of the Mighty Ducks
um it was out I think like last last
month right
um so I I wanted I loved your your
advice you give advice in the book about
stuff you learn from friends over over
the years of how to be a good director
um and I imagine a lot of it's different
than how to be a good actor but um tell
us a little bit about that experience
and why why you wanted to take that step
at this point in your career
I think once you uh once I luckily have
been doing this a while you just see the
whole you don't it's not even like oh
I'd like to do this different job it's
like I am doing this already in the day
I'm seeing
how we could do this scene more
efficiently I'm seeing in the eyes of
another actor what I think might
help the scene I'm I'm
I know because I've you know uh observed
what my what the crew does and how maybe
we could all be collaborating
in a different or or in a good way and
it is another aspect of storytelling
storytelling
but then you just get to be telling the
bigger piece and I think once you've
done any of these jobs which is why DPS
become directors first ads become
directors you know once you see the
whole it's hard not to
step into that even in your imagination
and and think I would like to do this and
and um
um
and I I'm also I think at a place
especially working with younger people I
just love them so much and I I I'm more
interested in their sorry in New York
City in their um day in their work in their
their
um growth I just am interested in
you know lifting them up to wherever
they want to go and um but
but
somebody said to me being an episodic
television director is like being
invited to somebody's house for dinner
but you're cooking dinner and you're
cooking it with only the ingredients
they already have like there are
limitations in in that work because
something has been established already
and you're you're there to serve that World
World
um which is fantastic but I
I and I I have enough careers but yeah
you know to see what it would be like to
direct a film as well because it's it's
just a different animal yeah
um it's a whole nother a whole bunch of
terms to learn for sure um
um
before I let you go I have to ask you a
Gilmore Girls question because I would
just be upset if I didn't um you
mentioned in the book that
um kind of the Gilmore Girls revisit on
Netflix was just the best happiest most
rewarding experience one of the most
happiest experiences of your career
um I think when the show when the
revisit came out it was really so much
talk about the fans and why this was
important for them but I would love to
hear why is it important for you
um as a person really why um revisiting
that those creators that character
because I got to go back to something
understanding how important it was to to
me and and to other people as well but I
don't know how many times you get to do
that you know there was the doing of it
which was a frenzy and a certain time
and you know just you don't have
perspective and it then to go back
because it has been appreciated because
there is a a desire for it like you know
because people
wanted more that's a totally that was
something I'd never had in that way you
know where
people were so excited we were so
excited and and we'd all kind of grown
and matured and it just felt like this
collaboration there was so much
gratitude in the air and I got to you
know have some of my friends play parts and
and um
um
it just it just was you know it was like
if you got to go to college again but
you know how to do it and you know you
know how important all your classes are
and you're like give me more tests like
you're just so you know in a different
mindset of like appreciation and it was
just mind-blowing
amazing it'll never never have it again
so it's just it's fantastic
um one quick last thing is
um readers a teaser for them you'll get
Lauren's recipe for orange marmalade in
the book
um is there you also reveal your master
class subscriber is there one master
class we all need to take what is memorable
memorable
um what's been your favorite
well two and they're very different
um Ron Howard on directing is fantastic
I what you find in I don't know how I'm
like a master in masterclass but not
surprisingly not not everyone who's
fantastic at something is also a
fantastic teacher it's just like it's
its own thing Ron Howard's directing is
so clear and so interesting and so
creative and so helpful and
um if he breaks down scenes it's
incredible and the other one I'm gonna
forget the guy's name but is hostage
negotiation which is fascinating and I
don't know how it applies to your real
life and I don't want to know but
um it was just like a really fascinating [Music]
[Music]
um study of the human mind I guess and
how this person has learned to get
people to do what he wanted them to do
sounds useful for all
um the book is called have I told you
this already
the author is Lauren Graham
um thank you so much for being on Salon
talks thank you it was really fun thank you
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