Effective communication is a science, not a soft skill, and mastering specific, research-backed techniques can significantly enhance your ability to connect with, influence, and be remembered by others.
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If you want better conversations,
conversations where people actually
listen to you, where you stop rambling,
where you sound sharp, fast, decisive,
then today's [music] episode is for you.
Because I've realized something.
Communication isn't a soft skill. It's a
science. And scientists [music] can now
tell you what makes someone magnetic and
what makes [music] someone instantly
forgettable. So, I'm going to give you a
bunch of researchbacked,
neurosciencebacked communication tools
that I've realized almost all of the top
1% use, but nobody else talks about.
This is how you change the way you speak
Mindset shift number one. People mirror
your micro behaviors in about 200
milliseconds. Think like less than the
blink of an eye. This is something
called the neuroecho effect. And it's
pretty wild. So neuroscientists at the
University of Parma discovered that your
brain has mirror neurons that fire
within 200 milliseconds of watching
someone else move or emote, which
basically means people don't respond to
what you say. They respond to the
emotional signal you send before the
words even happen. So if you speak
intention, their nervous system tenses.
If you speak more certainty, their
nervous system calms. If you are
scattered, they kind of mirror that
scattered. If you speak grounded, they
become more grounded. And this is the
real reason that top speakers or the
people that you look up to or the CEOs
you look up to in the world, they look
pretty calm when they speak because
they're actually trying to regulate the
room's nervous system without anyone
noticing. You know, I remember when I
walked into a room of a bunch of private
equity guys. You can imagine a mahogany
table, a bunch of guys in suits sitting
around it. I'm the youngest person by
far. I'm the only female. I know it's a
stereotype, but it's what happened at
that point. We were coming in to talk
about my company and there was no chair
for me. Nobody stood up. Nobody asked to
pull up a chair. And uh they were sort
of all arguing on top of each other,
talking about things, ignoring me. And
there's many ways I could have
approached this conversation, but I
walked in. Then I pulled up a chair and
I just sat down quietly and I waited. I
didn't try to speak over them. I didn't
try to push through them. I just sat
there like I had all the time in the
world for them to figure out their small
things. Because here's why. I made a
promise to myself that I do not make
myself small for small men. And I don't
think you should do so either. You know,
I've walked into PE meetings where
everyone is talking over each other like
caffeinated squirrels. I don't play that
game. I sit quiet and within like 30 to
90 seconds, the entire energy shifts
back towards you because people mirror
these micro behaviors faster than they
actually process your words. They would
never listen to me if I started piping
in, if I stop started shouting, if I
tried to get their attention and said,
"Quietly, let the room come to you."
Then there's this other thing that's
fascinating about the brain and the way
you communicate and that is that the
brain is addicted to novelty, not logic.
So they call this the orienting
response. So if you want to instantly
grab somebody's attention, you need to
give them something unexpected, right?
So there's a Russian neuroscientist that
discovered this reflex. But anytime a
brain encounters novelty, it diverts a
lot of processing power to it. And so
your brain is actually wired to
prioritize surprise, curiosity, pattern
breaks over logical information. That's
how we get you on TikTok with these
crazy clickbait little videos that
happen, right? So the way you start a
conversation matters more than the
conversation itself, which is crazy. If
you lead with something that disrupts
the brain, that is surprising fact, a
bold statement, a strange question. The
brain literally has to pay attention and
then it has to stick there for a second
because it's actually manually
processing it. sort of like a a car
starting up a motor slowly. So, I want
you to ask yourself, how many times do
you worry about all the things that
you're going to say to somebody, but not
just what the first sentence is. Three,
I think people judge your intelligence
by clarity, not complexity. This took me
a long time to realize. It's called the
simplicity anchor. So, a study from the
University of Munich found something
really fascinating. When speakers use
simple language, listeners rate them as
smarter, more competent, more
trustworthy. But when speakers use
complicated or overly technical
language, listeners assume they're
hiding something insecure. Not as smart
as they look. And I've seen this
firsthand. When you go into an
investment meeting, one of the first
things you want to do is you want the
other person to think that you're smart.
You're asking for money from them. But
immediately listen to it next time you
get your spidey senses up on somebody
because they start using words like
cogent and I find this to be divisive
instead of like that makes sense and I'm
not sure everybody would agree with
that. So if you want people to think
you're smart the crazy part you got to
stop trying to sound smart. Simplicity
actually shows a new IQ signal. It shows
a higher IQ signal. The other part about
this that's true is that questions
actually increase dopamine. So they call
this the curiosity loop. Carnegie Melon
scientists discovered that when you ask
someone a question, especially an
open-ended one, their brain releases
dopamine, right? That's like the
happiness drug. Dopamine makes people
more alert, more engaged, and more
curious. This is why questions pull
people into conversations, not away from
them. How many times have you been in a
conversation with somebody and they're
just talking about themselves and you
want to die until like you can get a
word in or potentially, I don't know,
respond to something? That's why one of
the most famous books of all time which
is uh how to win friends and influence
people by Dale Carnegie. The entire book
you can skip it. The book goes like
this. Shut up, listen more. People care
more about what you know about them than
what they know about you. So try opening
next time with something like, hey, can
I ask you something I've never asked
before? Do you want to hear something
strange? Can I test an idea on you? It's
like, ooh, me? I'm so special. This is
just for you and I. It's something
unique. You know, I once closed a deal
because I asked the seller what would
make this sale feel like a relief
instead of a risk. I could just tell he
was like super tight. He didn't want to
sell his business. I actually there's so
many physical reactions people have. He
had these little hives. It actually uh
happens a lot on men. I've noticed when
they're nervous, they'll break out in
kind of red splotches on their neck. And
I could just tell he was in a heightened
state. He didn't really want to talk
about his business financials. He was
kind of scared that they were too messed
up in order for me to want to buy this
business. And so he was getting
heightened and heightened and
heightened. And even though I was trying
to downregulate, I couldn't break him
out of it. But I said instead, I just
kind of leaned in quietly and was like,
"Hey, what would make this sale feel
like a relief instead of a risk?" And
I'm quietly giving it to him. I'm
leaning in, showing intent. I'm very
focused on him. and his entire body
changed because questions chemically
shift conversations,
especially if you pair it with the last
video that we did. It's about
communication and how to speak like a
CEO because your voice literally changes
other people's heart rates. This is
called vocal entrainment. And this one
also blew my mind. University College
London found that humans subconsciously
sync their heartbeats to the rhythm of a
speaker's voice. vocal entrainment. So
if you speak rushed, restless, stressed,
heart rate is going to increase. They're
going to feel stressed. If you speak
steady, decisive, rhythmic, their heart
rate calms. They feel safer. So your
voice is not just communication. It's
like a remote control for other people's
physiology, other people's biology and
makeup and how they feel in an instance.
This is probably why I don't know if you
guys have ever been to a yoga class
where the yoga class is like a super
fast high-pitched voice. Awful. Could be
the best speaker in the world. But they
have to speak. If you ever noticed, they
speak in kind of this yoga tongue like
and downward dog and then we're going to
move into upward dog and then we're
going to Why is that? They're trying to
rhythmically control your breathing. And
this rhythmic language sounds more true
to people. The processing fluency effect
is actually where a Princeton study
found that statements that rhyme or
follow rhythm are judged as more
truthful. And what does this mean? It
means if the brain can process a phrase
quickly, it assumes it must be correct.
See how these lines feel on you right
now. Move slow to move fast. What you
track grows back. You repeat what you
don't repair. It's kind of like, doesn't
that sound like deep wisdom? It's like
you repeat what you don't repair. You're
like, "Yeah, that is true. I've noticed
that, right? Like even before the
meaning is processed, it sounds like
wisdom. And this rhythmic language in
your language can be incredibly
persuasive. And so, how would you use
this in everyday life? Well, sometimes
we call it talking in tweets. So, for
the founders that we teach at Contrarian
Thinking, half the time I'll say, "When
was the last time you actually said
those words out loud that you're
speaking right now?" Like, have you ever
read somebody's email? it's a founder
when they're trying to sound smart and
they're like to whom it may concern you
know please find attached the subject
matter of this email which is uh in
regards to our conversation we had last
week I'd like to follow up on shut up
what that's not English instead think
about how you could say more or what is
called high signal with less words so
high signal to noise ratio and that
might be something like quick followup
on the one important thing we talked
about last week like how can you just be
as concise as possible? And some of the
most impactful people of our generation,
there's a guy by the name of Naval
Ravocant and he's basically known for
having banger oneliners. Banger
oneliners. If you can speak in
oneliners, people will repeat your words
back to you. The simpler it is, the more
rhythmic it is, the more people will
repeat your words back. If you can get
people to repeat your words back to you,
what happens? They follow you. They
listen to you. They think that you are
truthful because you literally put words
in their mouth. If you want to get hyper
tactical on this, there's something
called the 321 trick. And I can't
remember where I stole this from
originally, but it's so good. And so I
want to share it with you. The step one
is pause 3 seconds. So when you are in a
situation where you want to communicate
aggressively, you want to be listened
to, you are in one of those difficult
conversations, I want you to pause for
three seconds. This is actually going to
activate part of your brain.
Neuroscientists found that when you
pause even briefly, your anterior
singulate cortex activates, a fancy way
of saying the part of your brain
responsible for error detection and
attention or lies. It comes to attention
and the pause literally kind of clears
your mental windshield, allows you to
see what is true or not. So somebody
says something you don't like, you're
going to pause. One, two, three. Then
you're going to do step two. Give only
two points. This is called dual track
working memory. the the brain really
can't process too many things at once.
So, it can usually process a verbal and
a visual track. So, when you limit to
two points, both tracks sync. And then,
can you please repeat that point back to
me? So, what am I doing? I'm putting my
hand out there like pointing to a
specific point. My uh movement is
mimicking my communication and I'm
giving them one thing to act on. Step
three, end with one question. This is
how you interrupt what's called the
default mode network. So your brain has
a default mode like the way that it runs
every single day. It's it's why when you
drive to the office, for instance, you
ever like get to the office, you're
like, "Oh, I for like I didn't even
remember driving here." Right? That's
daydreaming, wondering your default mode
network. And questions shut that down
instantly. It like immediately forces
the brain to come into the present
moment whether it wants to or not. And
this is how you pull anyone back into
the conversation, even if they were
drifting. So let's say you really want
somebody to pay attention to you. You're
going to go, "Okay, here's the 321
method. You're going to pause after they
speak. 3 2 1. That is going to make them
pay attention. They're like, "Oh, that's
uncomfortable. What's happening here?"
Two-step. I want to talk about this one
point. Visual plus plus verbal cue. Last
point. Do you understand what the goal
is for this or can we talk about that
one point together? Pulls them back into
the conversation. Super easy trick for
difficult important conversations. There
are some tactical tools I think that we
all should just have in our toolbox when
it comes to communicating. And I wish
they had taught this in school instead
of like whatever we learned in marketing
or communication or writing. You know,
one of the things that's most important
in speaking in this day and age where we
have the shorter attention span than
ever is speaking in sprints, not streams
or what's called segmented speech
processing. So MIT researchers found the
brain processes information in chunks.
Maybe you've heard this before, not like
continuous. So after about 12 seconds of
uninterrupted speech, listener attention
goes falls to the ground. Tik Tok
actually based its entire algorithm on
this single idea that humans can only
pay attention for 5 to 10 seconds. So
why do you think the for you page is all
built on these 5 to 10 second video
hooks immediately? Because they read the
MIT research about chunking. So what
does that mean for us individually?
Speak in 5 to 10 second sprints. This is
so uncomfortable. Nobody does it and yet
it works every single time. I want you
then continue after 5 to 10 seconds, and
you're going to watch clarity skyrocket.
Especially try doing this in a fight.
It's a fascinating thing to do if you
are fighting with your husband or wife
or friend or partner or whoever. Do you
ever feel like you can't get a word in?
Like they're like going on and on and on
and all you're doing is waiting until
they're done talking so that you can get
in there and do the same thing. I'm
going to come right back and then you go
on for as long as possible as possible.
that it's like this Mexican standoff
between the two of you just like
monologuing each other until you shoot
yourselves in the face. Not speaking
from experience. And anyway, the way to
get around that is to not do what every
human wants to do, which is speak for a
long time. It's to go, I really just
wish you wouldn't raise your voice when
we spoke less than 10 seconds. Shut up.
Let them go on for 16 years. I really
wish that during our next conversation,
we could sit down and maybe have a glass
of wine while we're talking about this.
Shut up. Let them go on. At a certain
point, the shortness of your responses
allows the other person to actually hear
you, and it's going to shorten theirs,
too. Try it. Comment below. Let me know
if it works for you. As you can see, I
use a lot of hand gestures. They
actually say you should gesture before
you speak. This is called gesture
priming. So, lots of studies on this,
but the one I like the best is from UC
Berkeley that found that gestures
actually preede speech in the brain.
What does that mean? Your hands help
your brain form the thoughts. So, if you
want to think clearly while you talk,
move your hands first. Like, no dead
hands. One of the most uncomfortable
things that you can do actually in
having a difficult conversation is to go
from this, so hands in front of me
talking to people to this, hands behind
of me, not being able to see. Why? What
does this immediately make you feel when
my hands are behind me? Like what is she
holding? What has she got back there?
This my hands are hidden. Why? The
reason why actually goes back to the
caveman days, which is that if our hands
are hidden, we could have a weapon in
them. You know, Jan from HR could be
like, ah, but that's probably not going
to happen. And yet, that is still how
our little lion brain works. And so, no
more hidden hands, no more dead hands,
no more limp hands. All of that screams
that somebody could hurt you as opposed
to, "Hey, open hands mean I want to
communicate with you. Come here. Look
how look how harmless I am." You just
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other thing that I want you to ponder is
like maybe you've noticed this in this
uh little podcast rant that I'm doing
today for you too is that stories stick
22 times more than facts which is
fascinating. The Stanford researcher
found that people remember stories 22%
more than statistics alone. Why? Because
stories activate our sensory cortex, our
motor cortex, and our limbic system.
This is kind of like um if all neurons
were firing at the same time. It's this
neural coupling that lets the listener
live your point rather than hear it. Do
you know what I'm talking about? Like if
I'm just like, "People remember stories
22 times more." You're like, "Okay, I
could remember that number 22%." Like
that's my rational brain. I can process
that. But if I said, "Your toddler
will never touch the stove again." when
you tell him the story about the first
time you touched the stove, how much it
hurt, the pain that he that you had in
your hand, and uh the toddler then goes
to touch it and you mimic the feeling of
how much it hurt and you lick it and
you're like, "Ah, this feels awful."
Like, you're going to remember that
story. So, remember, if you want to
persuade somebody, even a toddler, tell
them a story. Don't use a spreadsheet.
Don't use numbers alone. And that goes
to this idea of perceptual language,
which is based on Cornell research. So
what does perceptual language mean?
Cornell studies show that people trust
speakers more when they use language
based on perception. Let me give you a
bad example first. We must improve
operational efficiency. What what does
that even mean? I I don't fully
understand. We need to see fewer steps.
We need smoother handoffs. We need
cleaner workflows. Your brain likes it
when they can visualize it. You're like,
"Okay, 10 steps, two steps. I can see."
This is why often I like to be on a
whiteboard when I am explaining complex
topics. Why? If you were to explain a
topic to me, I will say I am a visual
learner. And really that saying, I am a
visual learner. You're not. Everybody's
a visual learner. Everybody learns more
and retains more when they both see it
and when they are actually able to
visualize it as opposed to conceptualize
it. So, you know, I remember one of the
times that in our business, more than
any other, we were stuck on a problem.
And the problem in this particular
instance was we couldn't figure out how
we were going to buy this second company
and integrate it, which is called
mergers and acquisition, uh, post M&A
integration. And the reason is because
we had all of these people. So, you
could kind of imagine like two org
charts. They've got people everywhere on
them. There's dozens of them. I'm like,
does Jan go here? Does Bob go there?
It's so overwhelming. And so we were
talking through it and I realized the
only difference we needed to do is we
needed to color code on a whiteboard the
roles that people had at the varying
companies and see which one were
duplicative. So a lesson that was taking
us I don't know 45 minutes to talk
through visually we figured out in 10
minutes when we were talking through it
verbally when we did it visually we did
it in less than 10 minutes. And so any
time that you can do what we call it
contrarian thinking show don't tell.
Next, I want you to think about
replacing these words that I almost
never want to hear from you again with
two different ones. I want you to
replace I think with I've observed. So,
Columbia University said statements
framed as observations are seen as 40%
more credible than statements framed as
opinions. I think is actually this like
it's a low confidence signal. I think we
should do that. Why? Just cuz you feel
like it. I've observed. Well, that seems
to tell me that there's data backed
behind it. So, anywhere you can, you
should do two things as a CEO and a
strong communicator. One would be you
should ask why someone thinks that we
should do X, Y, or Z. And if you instead
want to be the one influencing and say,
I've observed, that's going to lend
yourself more credibility. You can also
use these things called temporal
landmarks because behavioral economists
found that time anchors drive action.
So, you know how when you go to a a
checkout like Black Friday, they'll say
like, "Right now, today, in the past 10
minutes, Barb from Iowa just bought this
new shirt. So did Jan." Like time
creates this momentum. For some reason,
when we see somebody putting a limiter
on it, a time limiter on it will move
faster. You can also use the cognitive
snap. So, this is my favorite thing to
do ever at restaurants. Try it in New
York City. I don't know why mo most
people don't do this. It's so simple. I
want you to use your server's name and
one detail about them. Oh, Tori, is that
your name? That's amazing. I love your
haircut. Uh, I want to order XYZ. Hey,
Tori, is that your name? That's great.
Ah, where are you from? Like, it sounds
like, are you from Australia? One
specific detail. You can also do this in
meetings. Hey, John, earlier you
mentioned your team was stuck. Let me
show you something. I'd love to get your
opinion on this. This is called
self-referencing. So, it's like you're
you're being referential to them first,
which makes their brain think, "I'm
getting a compliment. I'm back in."
Let's say you're talking to your husband
and he's not paying attention to you at
all and he's watching the game and he's
really wishing you weren't talking to
him about whatever you're talking to him
at that moment. I [snorts] want you to
try this. I want you to just say his
name. Hey, John. Hey, yesterday you
mentioned you wanted me to do this and
see if he then draws back in. This is
incredible in meetings as a pullback for
attention. You can also do something
really simple which in this day and age
is not that normal, which is open your
rib cage. This is called postural neuroendocrinology.
neuroendocrinology.
There's a mouthful for you. But most of
us this day and age have what's called a
closed and a flared rib cage. It's from
like typing like this too much and short
breathing. So we kind of only breathe in
our stomach. So when your rib cage is
closed like this, it's going to actually
increase your cortisol. So that's your
stress and it's going to decrease your
testosterone, which is like the
aggressive uh energy that flows through
us. So when you open your rib cage and
you raise your arms, that basically
allows you to have a what's called a
calm dominance posture. And this is like
real physiology. This isn't like a super
man woman posing or anything like that.
When you roll your shoulders back and
you open up the ribs, one, you can have
a stronger voice because your rib cage
is opening, but also it signals to the
other person that you're in a dominance
position. And so you can try that next
time you want to communicate more fully.
I certainly uh believe in this more than
the power posing. And like these small
things are not meant to like manipulate
somebody. This is meant for you to
become a better communicator because I
think that if we communicate better,
then our lives get better. we transfer
more trust and we get the things we want
and often we help other people get the
things they want too and so this
shouldn't be something sneaky you're
doing we're going to actually talk about
taking turns and why that builds trust
faster than agreement and so Harvard
research shows you don't actually have
to agree with somebody to build trust
you just have to share roughly equal
speaking time literally you can disagree
with somebody intensely but just give
them the floor and watch what happens If
you allow somebody balance or equality,
they feel it is just as good as
agreement. And that is why often when
you're sitting on a panel, like I've had
to do a panel before on a news station
where we were on different sides of a
belief about capitalism and the economy.
I tended to think it was good. The
person next to me tended to think that
socialism was better and that capitalism
was not good. I could not have disagreed
with this person more. Let me like get
that straight. Like I from the bottom
marrow of my bones, I disagreed with
this human. I think they were wrong
about almost everything they said on
set. But I made a promise to myself in
the beginning that I would make this
unemotional and I wanted to give my
argument. I wanted them to give theirs.
And so all I did was speak and then
allow them to speak just as long as I
did. Now they piped in a few times to
interrupt me. And what did I do? I
actually allowed it. I allowed it calmly
and then I just said, "You know what? I
just gave you the full 2 minutes. I
think it's reasonable for you to give it
back to me. Would that be unreasonable?
I also love using that would that be
unreasonable as because it it's
basically what are they going to say
no that would be unre it's like you
can't almost argue with it such a good
trick question and lo and behold at the
very end the guy comes up to me goes
that was incredible I think we agreed
about a lot I was like I literally don't
think we could have agreed about less
but he felt good because I allowed this
equity in conversation and after you do
that I want you to end with something
called a cognitive close not a question
so what does this mean people follow a
recommendation ation 60%
more often than an open-ended question.
So, I don't want you to end with, "Let
me know what you think." I want you to
end with, "Here's what I recommend we do
next. Here's what we should do next.
Here's the next steps." That's even
tighter. Here's the next steps. You're
just asserting dominance that that is
going to be what happens next. This is
all leadership. And as you can tell,
it's actually not that complex. There's
a series of little trials we've done as
humans over time to realize that
communication is not a soft skill. It's
not something that you were born with.
It's not something that only some people
have. When people say he's an excellent
communicator, that just means he has
more data, more reps, and maybe more of
this research than you do. But now
you're equally backed. Take three or
five of these lessons, apply them to
your life, and learn what it feels like
to have other people lean in on every
word that you say. Because the game of
business and of money is really [music]
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