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2021 In Review // SIDE HUSSELEN no.19
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hello there and welcome back to the
closet historian and back to my long
ongoing series and yet
i didn't really make many of them here
in 2021 sign hustling now of course i
had made some goals
last year and for 2021 and so i went
back and watched my own video to see how
i did on those and i took some notes
here so we can go through them
relatively quickly here so in 2021 i
wanted to sew less and my goal was to
sew 30 things or less
and i did not actually sew 30 things or
less but i did sew less than i did in
2020 because in 2020 i made 60 something
garments and in 2021 i only made 40
something garments i think it was like
42 or something like that total um if
we're not counting hats and things like
that mostly just garments so i did
manage to make fewer items this last
year but the reason i made that goal was
to hopefully sew less and write more which
which
didn't happen i sold less but
but
it didn't exactly translate into more
time spent writing so
we'll get to it
um i also wanted to
try and be on a fabric low buy which
sure i did want to have a big closet
clear out which i did so i have two
videos actually here i will link to one
of them in a card of me clearing out
like going through everything that i had
in my closet everything i've made in the
last decade or purchased thrifted
anything like that um so i went through
my entire closet and tried to clean out
as best i could i did i think i cut out
around 40 i really cut down um so that
was good and then i had a big sale over
on etsy of a lot of things and i still
do need to restock my etsy shop again
now that
i have a few things to throw in there
from being out thrifting this past year
but i do need to kind of go through my
closet again and just grab any of the
stragglers that hung around for another
year but i haven't worn them or like
haven't thought about wearing them so i
do need to throw a few more things into
my shop from my closet just because i
didn't reach for them not that that
means a lot in years where we're not
allowed to leave the house but i just
didn't even like dream about wearing
them and that means it's time for them
to go now my next goal was to get
vaccinated uh at the time when i made
that goal i don't think they had like
announced the vaccines but it was eons
away that people my age group would be
able to get them and i did of course get
vaccinated back in june and then again
this last month i got my booster so i'm feeling
feeling
vaccinated i again uh for those of you
who don't know love medical science huge
fan of medicine and science in general
so i'm ready to have any job that they
want to give me honestly over there so
um you know i i like to be too immune as
much to as much as possible honestly
moving forward now i wanted to develop
a better relationship with instagram
which i think i did okay for a little while
while
uh but i'm basically back where i was i
still have that little timer thing that
you can turn on your phone where it says
like you only get 15 minutes on
instagram and then you have to get off
so i guess since i ignore that now what
i should try to do is get back to
actually only
allowing myself that 15 minutes on
instagram each day
we'll see we'll see if it gets added to
the goals video this year but uh i would
say i did a little bit better for like
the first six months of the year
and then i just fell back into my old
patterns of spending too much time on
instagram honestly next up i had
a very
specific numerical reading goal
to read 25 books in 2021
and uh
i read three books in 2021 so nearly
nearly hit it um not at all i packed so many
many
and like shorter books to go when i went
on my trip i packed so many books to
read and every night i was absolutely
exhausted and didn't read like a single
page of any of those books i took those
books on a grand tour of the western
united states with me but i didn't read
a single one of them so uh you know
three books is better than zero books
but i think we can do better on that
next year
but next up on my list i do have another
goal that i was able to meet and that
was to pay off my private student loan
so like many people in the united states
especially i had multiple loans
to get me through college uh including
federal loans which are taken from the
government and then also private loans
which are taken from a bank um and
who do i trust more banks or government
i don't really know honestly but i
decided i would try my darndest in the
last year now that i had a full-time job
uh with some stability thanks to patreon
thank you um that i would try and pay
off my private loan so i could not have
that debt hanging over me anymore that
one particular debt at least and i was
able to do that in the beginning of
november i paid off my private student loan
loan
and it felt weird and good and it feels
strange to not have that one particular
bill each month now um and it's nice to
not have that debt hanging over me as i
enter into 22 2022 here
um but
i do still have my federal loans which
are twice what that loan was so there's
not really
i mean
to meet my other goals i can't really
pay off that one in a lump sum anytime
soon um but we'll see what happens with
federal loans here in the united states
am i allowed to have hope
let's not let's not get into it it's two
and then another goal i had despite
trying to save money to pay off that
loan was to make another big silk
costume in 2021 and i did of course
i make a cotton costume the carmine gown
and then also the mandragora gown um of
course mandragora isn't completely
finished but it still counts the day
bodice version i constructed it in 2021
and i'll finish the beating on it in
2020 2022. yeah yeah that counts and
then my stretch goals for 2021 were or
like my sillier goals were to take
french classes possibly
and i haven't done that yet i really
should uh but at the same time my
introvert tendencies just really went
out on signing up to leave the house i
just i'm not the best and then i had a
goal to go on a road trip which of
course i did you all know this i can put a
a
card up to the playlist of videos that i
made while i was on the road this past
fall visiting several states and several
national parks and pretending to be a
nature person and turns out nature is
quite nice as long as you don't let your
hacky boots destroy you which i did on
day one but
i digress and then i had a sillier goal to
to
get dressed up for dinner to wear a
fancy outfit for dinner and i actually
did do that in vegas i wore a beaded
evening gown to dinner by myself so i
had a very fancy dinner for one and i
still think about the pistachio ice
cream with hot fudge
and that really nice martini
but uh you know can't be having fancy
dinners in vegas all the time now can we
and then lastly my other silly goal was
to get a new tattoo in the last year but
with all the cancellations that happened
with tattoo artists from the pandemic
and the ongoing situation
and tattoo shops getting closed down all
the time everyone is booked out until
like 20 30 so i don't know when or if
this can happen but i'd like it to maybe
sometime in the future but of course my
biggest goal of all for 2021 was to
spend more time writing
writing
and uh
to really prioritize it but to
prioritize writing is to prioritize my own
own
sanity mental health self uh and
prioritizing myself above my work
like my the work that you all see is not
easy for me to do the first six months
of this last year i did better
about giving myself dedicated time in my
schedule taking time off for my other
work to do writing
alone and just like focus on that for a
few days but
the second half of this year
i completely failed to make time for
writing and in that sense failed to make time
time
for myself it is what
refuels me the most what
what
makes me the most ex like when i'm
writing is the time when i feel most
excited to be
alive a person um and to
to
i it's kind of like i've been chugging
along as best i can
especially like since i haven't done any
writing since before i left my trip so
this past summer since summer
and i just
haven't allowed myself the time to
refuel like that so
it's a long time to kind of be like okay
just another week just another week just
in the week and then i'll be able to do
some writing and i never quite
got ahead enough to be able to make the
time um so
that's a problem and uh
reoccurring or rather a consistent one
if you're not new around here
new year
say me
and working on writing is in some ways
how i work through my own uh stuff
stuff
like my characters deal with different
things than i do but my insecurities
leak into theirs my own mind leaks into
my art which now that i mention it aloud
doesn't sound so unusual so when i don't
make time for the most personal of my
mediums put things down on the page
the tank of words in my brain begins to overfill
overfill
i've got to get that text out somewhere
or it starts to spill between my neurons
in unfortunate ways
and speaking of neurons and things that
kept me from getting as much writing
done as i would have liked in the last
two years a warning i am about to talk a
tiny bit about being a human who
menstruates but i finally started
tracking my worst days of darker anxiety slash
slash
the sads i noticed a pattern and the
pattern was that even though my personal
cycle is wackadoodle and can't decide if
it wants to be 28 days or 35 i have my
most depressed days in the week before
my period
now i'm not talking i get a bit more
peeved than usual i'm
talking i cry myself to sleep for three
days in a row and the dark lying
thoughts get to whisper to me non-stop
for several days kind of cold creeping
sadness nobody know times i liken it to
like a creeping lack of levity a slow
unsudden strangulation that only once my
stupid body relents and overnight gives
me my chemicals back is released and i
can breathe again so clearly that i
immediately now notice the sharp and
distinct difference in may last year i
had some extra bleak insomniatastic
nights and decided to go to the doctor
to see if they agreed i may be
struggling with something called pmdd
pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder and my
doctor agreed i did and i started
medication that day
pmdd is caused by a drop in serotonin
due to changing levels of progesterone
turns out when your chemicals are not
doing what they usually do your brain
can start lying to you
very rude so i've been trying a low dose
of ssris this last year and it has
absolutely helped i mentioned all this
because of having four to five super
dark days a month sounds familiar but
otherwise your mental health is pretty
manageable and may be worth tracking
such things and looking into it because
you deserve better than to be super sad
like that and
so do i really
so 2021 was harder for me personally
than 2020 was even just because although
2020 involved a lot of change and fear
fear
2021 my
brain started fighting me a little bit
more and it really i don't know
you know i i i don't think this is a
uh clinical way of really describing
this kind of thing but like for me i definitely
definitely notice
notice
when it's those few days of the month
that are my worst days i can feel
i'm like i notice a shift and then i
think oh
this is chemical
and i feel really lucky in that that i
can tell that this extra
darkness this extra sadness is coming
from somewhere and that it isn't me it
feels it still feels separate from me in
a way that i wasn't able to recognize
before but now that i know
like tracking everything and like really
identifying the source of the issue has
really helped me even on my days where
i'm still feeling lower
know that it's not me and that it will
go away and it will change and just
knowing that is super helpful um but
i didn't know that until i went to the
doctor in like june i think is when i
like late may early june is when i went
and got
help for pmdd
but before that i just spent a week each month
month
in a darker place and that adds up you
know um it's time that i need it back
and i'm on my way to getting there i
still do think that i perhaps need to adjust
adjust
my dosage of my current medication or
could you know really get into the
nitty-gritty of
how i want to treat this i suppose but
just knowing that it's
like knowing it has a name i guess has
helped but then of course i also did
lose my cat cleo this last year um and
she's been my buddy since i was
13. um i of course didn't always live
here at home so i wasn't always with her
but since i've been living back here at
home for the last
eight years or so however long ever
since i've been uh graduated from
college and moved back home
she has we've been like inseparable and
she sit on my lap with me every night
for hours on end and she would follow me
around the house and so it's been very
strange to
be without her of course and um i
i
miss her and i want my buddy back but
just not possible you know
so that was another
it was hard to have her be sick and then
it was hard to have her be sick while i
was on my trip and then lose her while i
was away i finally you know
i finally was in the place financially
that i could go on a trip again i was
finally in a place with my work where i
felt i had worked enough beforehand to
kind of store up some videos to post
while i was gone
um so that i wouldn't be a huge break on
the channel while i was gone so i was
finally in a good place i was vaccinated
to be able to go on a trip again leave
the house
and like do something like that for
myself again and then
fate really
decided to kick me um and my cat ended
up you know getting super sick
weeks before i left and then
gone while i was gone so um
um
it was
i i i really was looking forward to that
trip and of course
it changed the tenor of the whole thing
because while i was gone at the start i
was stressed that she wouldn't be there
when i got back and halfway through the
trip i found out that she wouldn't be
there when i got back and
so that trip did not was not everything
i had hoped it would be of course
because of that loss i when looking back
on 2021
i think i did the best i could
with the year that we were all given or
like that i was given and i've been of course
course
absolutely so lucky during this pandemic
that i worked from home that i have been
safe that my family have been safe um
i'm incredibly lucky
like beyond lucky and i feel like i've
really come out of it well so it's hard to
to
get down on what i didn't accomplish in
this last couple of years because i've
just been so privileged and lucky
throughout them but i
really have to
fix the way i prioritize writing
and i i need an entirely new strategy
because i say this every year and yet i
do not
i never actually managed to make it my
top priority work
my other work always
i always put it before my writing and
in order for writing to become
my other career
for it to become more than a side hustle
a side side side hustle i have to rejig reconfigure
reconfigure
how i
work on anything so i'm going to think
about how i'm going to do that and look
at my schedule and my to-do's and my
unofficial job descriptions
and figure out where i'm going to make
the shifts so that writing can become my
top priority
and everything else my
second uh so yeah i'll work on that and
i'll get back to you very shortly with
my goals for 2022. thank you as always
for listening to me ramble on about myself
myself
uh it's very kind of you to put up with
me in these side hustling videos thank
you so much for your support here on the
channel and i will see you again here
real soon
bye an absolutely huge thank you to
rhonda che beatrice lacey nancy anna
brianne carol michelle
margaret rachamus lin
ellen myrna karina lillitt swingularity
tracy denise
fern samantha eloquent silence michaela
kelly audra alice margot rachel
tom renee
amy and maria
you have made my dreams a reality and
there's no way i can thank you enough
thank you to all of my patrons and to
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