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DEPENDENT PERSONALITY DISORDER: WHEN SUBMISSIVENESS GOVERNS LIFE | Dr. Peter Salerno | YouTubeToText
YouTube Transcript: DEPENDENT PERSONALITY DISORDER: WHEN SUBMISSIVENESS GOVERNS LIFE
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[Music]
Hi everyone, I'm Dr. Peter Serno. Thank
you for taking time to watch this video.
A little bit about me. If this is your
first time watching one of my videos, I
am a retired licensed psychotherapist. I
decided to retire my license in order to
focus more on education and writing. I
am also a continuing education
facilitator for therapists and other
licensed professionals and I have a
training coming up for professionals
through PESI in October. If anybody's
interested in taking a look at that, you
can find information on their website.
Throughout my career as a therapist, I
received specialized training in the
treatment and assessment of personality
disorders. I also received specialized
training in the treatment of abuse and
trauma. I've written two books on this
subject. One is the nature and nurture
of narcissism and the other is traumatic
cognitive dissonance. I was also
recently featured in a Hulu docue series
called Ted Bundy Dialogue with the
Devil. So, please check that out if
that's something that interests you.
Before we dive in, I want to say this.
Conversations about mental health can
get very intense. So, I ask that we keep
the comments section respectful. These
videos are for education and awareness,
not for personal attacks or stigmatizing
language. Today we are going to take an
in-depth look at dependent personality
disorder. This is one of the cluster C
personality disorders and those are
often referred to as the anxious and
fearful cluster. Dependent personality
disorder like all personality disorders
dramatically shapes someone's life. So
let's start with what defines dependent
personality disorder. At its core,
dependent personality disorder is
defined by excessive submissiveness due
to the inability to think and act
independently. Here's how people with
dependent personality disorder view the
world. They see themselves as
insufficient. They see others as
competent and powerful. They see the
world itself as overwhelming. And so,
they cope with this through
submissiveness. As far as diagnostic
guidelines go, these include difficulty
making decisions without constant
reassurance, allowing others to assume
responsibility for major areas of their
life, intense fear related to losing
approval, the inability to act
independently, clinging behaviors and
desperately seeking new relationships
when one ends. When it comes to
identity, individuals with dependent
personality disorder have a very weak
sense of agency and autonomy. They
depend heavily on others for identity
definition. Boundaries are compromised,
sometimes leading to inshment or even a
complete surrender of their identity to
a dominant person. They can be highly
motivated, but usually in service of
somebody else's goals, not their own.
Their authentic living gets sacrificed
in the process. For dependent
personalities, differences of opinion
can feel very dangerous. If someone
disagrees with them, they may interpret
that as disapproval or rejection. This
leads to conflict avoidance, even if it
means saying the opposite of what they
mean or even acting against their own
morals and values. In intimacy,
relationships often become inshed. They
may sacrifice themselves entirely for
the sake of the other person, even
tolerating abuse or mistreatment just to
keep the relationship intact. It's
important to note that this pattern does
not develop as the result of a single or
specific relationship in adulthood.
Personality disorders have an early
onset, usually noticeable in childhood
or adolescence, and they are enduring
and pervasive, not situational. A
reliable marker of dependent personality
disorder is that the person requires
somebody else to be in charge of the
major areas and decisions of their life.
This theme can sound like, "I can't take
care of myself. I need others to do it
for me." Or, "It is worth any price to
be cared for." Common behaviors include
regularly asking for advice, clinginess,
being overly agreeable, and avoiding
conflict at all costs. To others,
someone with dependent personality
disorder may come off as clingy,
wishy-washy, and sometimes the
desperation can be interpreted as
manipulative because they are so
insistent on being cared for. This can
often provoke irritation in people close
to them, and it also sometimes provokes
exploitation. The two excessive traits
that fuel dependent personalities are
submissiveness and separation
insecurity. What they desperately lack
is the ability to think and act
independently of others. Dependent
personality disorder isn't always
expressed in the same way. Various trait
configurations or subtype patterns can
help us understand its various
presentations. One example of this is
the disqued dependent. This individual
is constantly anxious about abandonment
and lonely unless they are near
supportive people. Then there is the
selfless dependent. This person gives up
identity and boundaries and attempts to
fully merge with others. The immature
dependent is incapable of assuming adult
responsibilities and they can be very
childlike in their behavior. The
accommodating dependent is compliant,
agreeable, they deny experiencing
negative feelings and they naturally
adopt an inferior role. Then we have the
ineffectual dependent. These individuals
are very unproductive. They avoid any
hassle in life and they simply refuse to
deal with difficulties. Though no longer
formally recognized in the DSM, there
used to be an appendix diagnosis known
as self-defeating personality disorder.
It's worth mentioning here because many
of its traits overlap with dependent
personality disorder, particularly
around submissiveness. So I'm going to
go over some of these patterns. We have
the virtuous masochist. This individual
takes on burdens like a martyr, sees
themselves as saintly and expects
gratitude for their big sacrifices. Then
we have the possessive masochist. They
have a desire to control others by
appearing indispensable. Basically, you
wouldn't be here without me and my
sacrifices. Then there's the self
undoing massochist. These individuals
literally find gratification in defeat.
They choose victimization and they feel
destined. but also willing to suffer.
And then finally, we have the oppressed
masochist. They use misery and guilt to
bind and control others while avoiding
direct self assertion. A quick note on
codependency because this comes up
often. I particularly don't like the
term one. It's not a formal diagnosis,
which is fine. It can be useful, but I
think codependency is often
misunderstood. Codependency originated
in Alcoholics Anonymous, describing
family members whose lives were shaped
around an addict's behavior. Today, it
more broadly refers to situations where
another person's dysfunction dictates
someone else's choices. But dependent
personality disorder is different. It's
not situational the way codependency is.
It's a diagnosible disorder that shows
up across contexts and across the
lifespan. When it comes to differential
diagnosis, borderline personality
disorder is often confused with
dependent personality disorder. But
here's the key distinction. According to
the research, in borderline personality
disorder, dependency is often hostile
and combative. In dependent personality
disorder, the dependency is submissive
and appeasing. Again, this distinction
isn't just theory. It's supported in the
research on how these disorders differ
from one another. So when we talk about
treatment goals for somebody who meets
the criteria for dependent personality
disorder, the treatment isn't about
removing dependency altogether. It's
about building or installing
independence and resilience. So some of
the goals would include reducing the
need for constant reassurance, building
skills for independent thinking,
developing healthier ways of managing
conflicts through assertiveness, and
staying consistent and loyal to one's
own needs and values. even when others
disagree. So in short, people with
dependent personality disorder come off
as clingy and may submit to caretaking
as well as express the constant need for
being taken care of. But with the right
treatment, they can move toward a life
of autonomy. If you found this helpful,
please remember to like the video and
subscribe to this channel. I share deep
dives into personality disorders,
pathological relationships, and the
science of human behavior. And again, I
would love to hear your thoughts, but
please make sure to keep the comments
respectful to me and to others. People
who watch these videos and leave
comments are real people with real
struggles. So, we need to maintain
respect. Thank you for watching. I'm Dr.
Peter Serno and I will see you in my
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