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Recovered P*ornography Addict-Matthew
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all right Matthew hi Matthew uh where'd
you grow up where are you from
originally um I actually came here from
Orange County California born and raised
I was uh born in
Anaheim and I pretty much have been here
for the first 25 years of my life I'm 38
now and I moved out uh from California
when I was 25 and I went over to Dallas
Texas and I've been there for 14 years
and just recently I had move over to Las
Vegas and I have been there for less
than a month so so you're living in
Vegas now I live in Las Vegas so I'm
pretty happy about it I pretty I love uh
just being a r share driver I do uh R
share lift uh I didn't really know on
how big ride share has been over in
Vegas and how profitable it can be and I
moved there when I was uh you know doing
R share over in Dallas Fort Worth and I
make about $20 an hour and it sounds
great and all but uh when he takes out
gas of a vehicle that's about a fifth so
I was only really bringing home like you
know $180 to $200 uh out of you know
profit wise into my pocket every day and
you know if you just think about all the
uh necessary things if you had a regular
job it would be the same amount of money
17 to $18 an hour so it really wouldn't
wasn't uh you know really high of a gain
and I was uh I still have uh driving uh
seven days a week I drive seven days a
week um all the time every day and all
day and with just acceptions of a few
days here and there uh that's what I do
and I love it and pretty much um I was
over in Utah a couple months ago uh in
the beginning of October and I was
inquiring to you know get my next uh
step up and graduate so what happened
with that was that I had U moved on like
you know Google like how much is the
average pay of uh rice share drivers in
Las Vegas and it came up for average pay
was 138,000 I was like holy [ __ ] like
[ __ ] yeah let's do this so um I pretty
much had made plans and right now I make
about you know 60 to 70k which sound
like I said which sounds like a lot but
when you start taking out taxes and gas
and all that wonderful stuff and auto
repairs and uh supplies you're only
really bringing home about 55 and it
sounds like I said it sounds great but
being single I mean that's where I need
to start um you know graduating upward
and it's a good start so it's a good
start that's what I've been doing and I
like it that's that's great you've been
in a wheelchair for how long I've been
in a wheelchair for five years and how
that happened was uh my mom on her side
of the family uh was born with
neurological disease they call it hunt
disease and it doesn't skip a generation
now um I pretty much have a 50-50 chance
of you know having that kind of disease
uh but it didn't happen for me what H
what happened for me was uh it was genes
genetics um so I had uh at 31 years old
I had uh been experiencing these
neurological issues that would come and
go but primarily their little muscle
twitches they call them fasiculations in
the medical uh world but I call them
metal uh muscle twitch is something nice
easier for like the eye twitch or you
know something like a bicep it comes and
goes you're like the [ __ ] had just
happened you know you don't really know
so that's uh it happened six years ago
almost going on seven years ago and it
pretty much just kept on progressing it
progressed and I did I was concerned I
went to the doctor he just looked at me
like every normal person and I'm like
dude I feel these muscle twitches in my
body but you know you can't really know
what's going on inside your body and
that's kind of like a bizarre symptom to
really tell somebody especially when
they don't see it every day so what I
have is rare and and the teers pretty
much uh looked at me and said oh yeah
you're fine but I don't feel fine and I
just had to take his word for it um I
did get tested for my mom's disease and
I came up negative which is awesome but
I was still concerned about my uh you
know my symptoms and it just kept on
progressing more and more and I started
to experience uh you know shaking uh
really bad and it just kept on getting
worse and at the time I was actually an
autome mechanic uh working at a used
card leadership and everybody knows when
you're working Blue Collar whether it be
in the kitchen you know the sales floor
anything of the trades like you got to
be 100% all you and so I was really
concerned like trying to hide that from
everybody it's like hey you know I got I
got some issues but I can't tell you um
so that just kept on getting worse and
then uh eventually I started having
seizures um and it just grew out of
control I had like multiple like 150 to
200 seizures in a night um and then I
was uh put with Adavan uh that happened
and then I'm like within a month you
know I I was trying to like get my head
wrapped around the idea like you know
what was going on with me and just
pretty much uh I getting bizarre
symptoms well I was I had loss of speech
was like today's video is sponsored by better
better
help how's it been going since you've
been doing therapy for the last couple of
of
months oh it's been great I mean i' I've
done therapy my whole life I mean since
since my 20s I think I've done therapy
on and off throughout a lot of people
look at therapy as like oh there's
something wrong with you if you're doing
therapy the way I look at it is there
something really healthy and and right
about you if you're if you're speaking
to a therapist because you're you're
able to like we all go through things in
our lives that just make things
difficult and if you have someone
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it it just makes your life better it
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your first month and now back to the
video I I couldn't talk I'm like what
the [ __ ] just happened you know like and
I couldn't like speak for like 20
minutes like what the hell that kind of
freaks you out like what the heck's
going on here or another one was like I
stare off in the space for like 20 15
minutes and it's like the hell just
happened it was just it would just come
and go was so Random so bizarre and uh a
couple times I'd wake up in the middle
of the night I'd fall over to the side
I'm like the hell and then as soon as
the very next day I'm
fine try tell her that to the doctors
you know they're going to say oh this is
psychological and that's exactly what
they told me they like this is
psychological you have trauma atic past
you know that you haven't gotten
resolved and I'm like well I did resolve
them but uh take your pick I've gotten
uh you know I've gotten arrested that
could be a traumatic experience I've
gone to jail drug abuse gotten robbed a
couple times you know dying mom you know
seeing that fall apart dysfunctional
family group homes and what what do you
want to do right there guys I got a
whole entire list of traumatic
experiences and what are you going to do
about it like what can I do about it
nothing besides just Journal it out talk
about it which I've already tried doing
that and and all the symptoms just kept
on coming and they just kept on
progressing worse and worse uh and then
how more happened within that year was I
would be drink I was a Beer Drinker and
I didn't know about what was uh the
underlying issue up until a year later
um so in that year I was seeing
neurologists and I was seeing
psychiatrists and I was seeing uh you
know a couple Physicians and they all
pointed towards mental health and I'm
like dude this is not Mental Health I
can tell you right now this is a
physical problem I'm trying to tell you
guys that just test me test first
condemn later that's a mantra on the
Automotive Technical realm test first
condemn later you just don't go ahead
and look at a car and say oh yeah it's
going to be this it's going to be this
and it's going to be that it's like no
you don't do that you have to really
test your uh problem and then you'll
come to that conclusion but that's
actually the proper name for it uh a lot
of people say like oh I got a misfire oh
yeah it's this like that's exactly what
happened with uh the medical world they
just told me oh yeah it's this I'm like
okay okay well you didn't really do any
kind of testing on me so you know um but
I grew a bitter taste to the medical
realm and I I basically said [ __ ] you
you know up yours you know I had uh
cursed a whole I was using profanity a
whole lot more I was very angry I was
very sad that my whole entire life was
flipping upside down and I didn't know
why my ex-wife was very um upset also we
were both sad we were both confused
we're going online didn't even find any
answers and then next year following in
2019 I woke up with a foot limp and if
you ever heard of your uh you know foot
falling asleep that's not falling asleep
it's paralysis it's temporary but that's
paralysis and uh that's pretty much what
happened to me I woke up out of the blue
and it just I fell to the floor I fell
to the floor and I couldn't move my left
foot I could feel it I just couldn't
move it and uh you know knowing that I
have a neurological condition I couldn't
tell anybody and at the time I was
working for rer chucking as a diesel
mechanic and it just pretty much I had
to lie and uh a week and a half to two
weeks later I I fell I had a second foot
went out so now I'm walking with two
limp feet and I could feel it I just
couldn't walk right and you know like I
was I was pissed I was pissed you know
going to the freaking uh the last Mental
Health Doctor I went to he was just
Hawking up in storm I'm like no [ __ ] you
dude this is the last time I'm ever
going to you know go to the medical
medical world um you know I'll just
figure this out on my own obviously you
guys don't have anything uh you know
going for me and in the automotive realm
the diagnostic strategy which is
actually a very effective way of doing
things if you have a phantom symptoms
like say you hear a noise and your
suspension but it comes and goes and you
know you take it to a shop and you put
it on the lift and all the mechanics and
including myself we can't you know
what's going on then you just pretty
much have to wait and you have to send
the customer off with the vehicle and
tell them hey keep driving it and let it
get worse well I don't want it to get
worse we understand that but it's a
phantom symptom everything checks out
fine so we have to let it get worse so
we can pinpoint where it's coming from
so we can actually uh undeniably see it
it's like okay this is it so I knew
about this testing method and I just I
was like you know [ __ ] it let's just go
ahead and let my let it get worse so
pretty much after like two or three
months of me uh you know losing my
ability to walk like you know uh my legs
getting weaker and you know my my gate
my balance was getting worse I pretty
much just let it happen I was like you
know what just let it happen and then
pretty much we went to the doctor about
3 to four months or yeah had like 3
months um I was very emotional and I
basically know that if you want a
different result you're going have to do
something different so I we went to a
chiropractor and we were doing
functional testing and long behold I
actually did have some issues there I
was like oh [ __ ] yeah this is great you
know um he actually did some figured to
nose test and that's actually like a
functional like brain brain issue and I
had issues I was like freaking a man
this is awesome I'm not happy about this
but I'm I'm happy to actually get
results so I finally started getting
more testing more testing and he took a
blood sample took a blood sample and
came back positive for celiac disease
I'm like the [ __ ] is celiac disease you
know it turns out that celiac disease is
an autoimmune disorder where you're
immune system when it comes into contact
with gluten has actually seiz uh your
immune system or seizes your nerves and
your brain and attacks it uh
predominantly in Celiac disease it's
actually the gut but there's a very rare
small amount of like 5% of people of all
of it where it attacks your nerves and
your brain so literally that's pretty
much what happened I was like a Beer
Drinker didn't know I had wheat and
gluten in it so I basically I was like
yeah no [ __ ] like this is the reason why
my symptoms came and gone and things
just would always just restart and
everything go back to normals because i'
PR drinking and then I go to sleep and I
come back like you know wake up normal
and whatever it's like oh yeah so there
you go that's the reason why I'm in a
wheelchair I'm literally paralyzed
because of food and you can't fix it
with your diet my I yeah I did I did
change my diet I changed my diet from uh
you know gluten all the way to
gluten-free it was not an easy process
because there was an emotional tie like
oh my gosh I love pizza I love pizza I
didn't huh how about walking oh yeah
walking I like walking more than I like
pizza oh my gosh I mean honestly when I
came down to walking and using my legs I
was just saying you know what I'm going
to rock this thing I already had had my
mind at four or five months I'm like you
know just give me a [ __ ] wheelchair
and let me get on with my life you know
what I mean like I don't want to like
sit here and except is a chance you
could walk again no there is no chance
and the reason why I say that is because
if you've been in a wheelchair long
enough then your muscles will atrophy
your brain will actually stop sending
signals due to reflex and then plus I
was already having that uh that nerve
damage already to begin with so it's a
part of the genes and it's part of being
Progressive and I was told that once you
hit a certain threshold of nerve damage
it's it becomes irreparable and when I
wake up and I see my legs just atrophied
into the sticks and and flop it pretty
much is like okay yeah it's a good
reminder it's like a you never want to
walk again so that's definitely
something I I actually wrapped my mind
around but the good thing was is I
actually transitioned back into being an
auto mechanic I actually got the office
chair right next to a car and I uh you
know I sat next to it and I just went to
town actually did the job and when I was
over at my uh house with my ex-wife
people kept bringing me their cars they
just didn't care that's what I loved
about it about the whole transition
period from being normal to being
handicapped is basically I had the car
and I believed in God then and I believe
in God now I was like holy [ __ ] you know
let go let God trust and this is exactly
what happened um I went from that to
rocking and rolling and I work on cars
still and I've been in an auto mechanic
for 14 years and now average uh every
single year with of six seven years ago
I average about like five six cars a
year and that's pretty darn good because
you actually your attitude is great oh
my gosh you know and then now before cuz
I didn't know how to do this once you
were in a wheelchair for a certain
amount of time in the beginning you
don't know how to use a wheelchair
getting around in town and going up and
B down bumps and going off different Ty
huh you're very good at getting around
in that oh yeah you know pop wheelies I
ain't going a pop wheie right now but
yeah definitely uh it's it's definitely
some that's a transition it's very an
emotional experience and um you know I
kind of get with the program like I said
traumatic past that's pretty much a part
of my life you know what I mean like you
just get with the program so so you've
been in the chair for how long five
years five years and you you you emailed
me about being a porn addict yeah how do
how does that play into this or does it
not yeah it does play a part in it and I
actually uh knew that it was going to
play a part in it so uh so when I was a
kid uh I grew up between the uh you know
10 or 11 to 13 I was looking uh I didn't
get a whole lot of attention as a kid uh
with my family my parents especially my
mom was dysfunctional my dad didn't
really do a whole good job at you know
being attentive to his kids and so I
lost that uh attention uh I didn't have
much of attention so uh you know having
a handicapped mom with
neurological I didn't connect the dots
cuz no one really does when they when
they grow up and I was actually looking
look at these girls who were uh you know
had broken arms or broken legs and they
were getting all the attention I was
like dude you know like people were kids
were like you know helping them out and
stuff like that I was like I was staring
and I'm like okay and I was you I was
kind of like I don't know that around at
the time like your your psychosis
actually kind of Blends together with
your your sexualy sexual identity and
you start to get aroused by certain
things that pretty much what happened
with me and you know I was like all
right so pretty much I started to hurt
myself in in the in private I started to
hurt myself and I was like man this
[ __ ] hurts like it sucks you know I
didn't get any too far extreme with it
like you know break my break Breaky
bones but I was hurting myself and you
know like I was kind of like limping
around school and all that stuff and I
didn't get the kind of attention but at
some point it was weird because I was
actually uh kind of like you know almost
like turned on a little bit but you know
it was it was interesting to actually
see get that and uh you know like it
started to get out of control you know I
started to masturbate uh at the age of
13 um when you actually have uh no one
to really help you out with managing
your emotions and you just you discover
yourself you discover yourself and find
out like it really is like this is an
access like okay let's go to the
bathroom some more uh pretty much what
happened me know I was like all right
let's just do this so uh you know I just
pretty much started to grow more and
more involved with looking at you know
handicap girls and um heterosexual but
you know like I was I was finding that
on TV I was finding that on TV I was
like oh okay this is great and then you
know I was like finding it in newspaper
print I I was finding it in places you
know that was there and it wasn't even
like a I had to go to a porn store I
didn't have to go to a porn store like
that was it was like you know it was
subtle it was it was hidden you know
either in public over here so that's
where it all started with being a porn
addict and I didn't realize I was porn
addicted porn um and when I would go
when I got arrested and go to juvenile
hall and stuff like that I was very
lonely and you don't have girls there
and I wasn't taught on how to date or
anything like that with my family so I
pretty much left with my own devices so
I was very accustomed to myself and that
brought a lot of comfort and security
but at the same time it was kind of
making me isolate and I really starting
to like you know be more preferred about
what I look I was looking at versus
actually go out and date because I was
afraid about getting turned down or I
was told I was weird I was told I was a
black sheep in my family like what the
[ __ ] why like why am I actually the
black sheep I didn't see myself as a
black sheep kids are weird so why am I
considered weird and yeah it sucked so
uh being uh being in a part of that
whole thing what happened was that I
actually discovered more of the internet
that was around like 96 98 when I was a
kid I was 10 that's exactly it and you
know I actually had started to dabble in
like you know girls in leg cast and
believe it or not there was actually a
websites for this [ __ ] I was like what
the [ __ ] yeah it was crazy and I found
out there was a disability fetish I like
huh okay this is great uh let's go ahead
and stare at this stuff so it's just
like you know a whole lot of that visual
information coming at me like you know
girls freaking in different uh positions
and just being occupational you didn't
even have to look look at their boobs or
their butts or any of that stuff to get
turned on I was like holy [ __ ] like okay
and that was pretty much is like an
oddity I didn't realize that was an
oddity it was like a normal thing for me
I was making excuses too like well what
I'm into is not necessarily bad what I'm
into is actually fine um that was
actually not the case um and then you
know going to jail and getting released
and actually having an open uh webs open
in what is it the internet when I was
actually with my grandparents I was
actually uh coming out of jail and in
Orange County they actually let you go
County parole on a technicality so I was
on state parole but I actually had
gotten from probation in the county jail
I never went to prison and um you know
after doing my last violation I never
wanted to go get get arrested I never
wanted to get pulled over ever again I
never wanted to do anything stupid I got
arrested for one drug charge that lasted
for me for my whole entire uh year and a
half to two years about going in and out
of jail just one charge and it was a
felony so there you go but like I'm a
little I'm a little [ __ ] I'm a little
I'm a little weenus I'm 19 years old
I've never gone to prison before I don't
want to go to prison like hell no so
what did I do I went and isolated myself
with the internet in my grandparents
house like that's that's a that's
[ __ ] bad news right there for a guy
like me and a porn freak and like really
wanted to like you know get involved
with myself once again like oh yeah that
was free access man and I love world
Warcraft don't get me wrong World of
Warcraft was cool I would literally wake
up get on the computer like 2 feet away
and when I was able to you know get on
two feet away drink my beer and then
have a good time like literally yeah
yeah yeah and and then you know what do
I do oh yeah just Cascade the window put
that to the side minimize it and then
just go there you go there's my porn you
know they actually have a doom instead
of PornHub they actually have like
broken angels.com or cast of memories
like.com I was like holy yeah and I was
so poor I didn't even actually buy the
membership I just straight got the
sample photos and I started collecting
them I started putting them away but I
did not know also when you're an addict
um I also had an drug addiction that was
passed I did not also know that I
actually had switched from a drug
addiction to an uh porn addiction I did
not know that either and so when I
actually did these little rituals I I
put them away and then I would use that
when the internet was not there so I was
like all right I got freaking free
access and I didn't have to pay for it
this is awesome have you ever had a
girlfriend I did have girlfriends I did
have plenty of girlfriends uh that were
not really plenty um I have like five
girlfriends uh my
ex-girlfriend uh is uh is now married to
my uh brother and that's a separate
story for for another time but I will
tell you that she was actually my first
girlfriend and um I just pretty much
became very obsessed or infatuated as a
kid didn't that was like my first love
so I didn't really know how to how to
how to be and then I actually had done a
couple of dating it was like Les less
than like a month or so uh I had another
one um that was a little longer term and
that was like 10 months we never worked
out but we actually um had been U
appropriate pretty respectful about it
and then after that I met my ex-wife um
so none of these girlfriends other than
my ex-wife knew that I actually had an
attraction to disabled PE kid girls um I
actually just always thought it was a
thing so the disabled
the attraction to disabled women was
long before you were ever in a
wheelchair exactly yeah that's the
trippy part that's a Twist you know um
they have different names for this it's
called devotees Pretenders and wannabes
so devotees are the ones who are
physically attract or sexually physic
attracted to physically disabled uh
people where you know the the scrw of
the legs the better you get deformities
you got um you know amputations um you
know gets really extreme it's really sad
too um because I didn't really know as
aware of the addiction I did wasn't
comprehending what's on the other side
of the camera what's on the other side
as a recipient now I know and it's
really helpful to actually know like how
I am now as a reformed person which is a
really blessing in disguise because not
everybody can actually do that so it's a
really good thing but Pretenders um are
actually people and this is some [ __ ]
up [ __ ] I really want to like punch them
um they actually uh find themselves in
secret and they actually pretend they
pretend to be handicapped and it's is
like some sort of recreational thing and
it's just not cool because now that do
it for the purpose of creating porn yeah
it's like it's not even only porn it's
actually fun it's like you know they
wear leg braces and corsets and all that
stuff and wheelchairs they just sit in
and and just have uh you know have a
good old time with themselves and that's
pretending and then they don't care to
be wannab be like they want to be
disabled but they just know that that's
their fun that's their sexual interest
and um another one is wannabes the
people that are wannabes are Bid body
Integrity identity disorder and these
people actually want to be disabled and
it's not even just a want to be disabled
it's actually a mental condition kind of
like transgender where they actually
feel like they should be or they are in
the wrong body where they actually
should be paralyzed or there are
actually people out there who want to
have their amputation even though they
have are perfectly fine it's a could
there be anything like that going on
with you because it sounds like your
when when your leg problem started
happening you could have
possibly fought it I I actually you're
you're right I I I actually did fight it
first I did fight all this neurological
issues I tried my hardest and it U when
they said it was a mental problem in
Psychology I really at first really
thought this was psychological deep down
because of my past experience being
attracted to that stuff but I actually
had got um off of porn as my uh as my
rock bottom with my ex-wife uh two
months prior two months prior of all
these neurological symptoms it just
basically was coincidence it was
coincidence uh but at first it made me
feel like it was psychological and I
couldn't really express that to doctors
because they would actually again point
that to death oh yeah this is definitely
mental health I'm like no this is not I
can feel it right you're I was fighting
reality I was fighting myself and I was
fighting reality I was fighting
everything even my ex-wife she knew
about it and it was really sad to
actually be a part of this where I was
like I felt like I was stuck but is
there anything you could have done to
prevent being in a chair um yeah I
really could have and uh that was in the
very first year that was like the first
uh three months where I was walking
upstairs I was doing the lawn I was you
know I was I was being a trades guy I
was I was doing all that I could every
single day 20 like eight 16 hours days
like I was walk in the truck yard if you
don't know how large truckyard is that's
like literally like two football fields
and I was walking that so I did my part
I did fight the fight I didn't want to
be in a wheelchair but as my legs kept
going and as my you know as my
psychology was going the way it is I
just basically threw all my hands up in
the air and like [ __ ] it you know what
if I was already having this mental
condition about the attraction this is
actually a good segue into actually
letting myself see on the opposite side
about how it would feel about having a
handicap and this is where I I felt God
was actually helping me saying you know
what let go let God I if if God had a
voice this is what God uh this is what I
was thinking that God would say Matthew
I created you and I think that it's best
if you just let go and trust me I know
it's hard you had a dark past you know
you definitely want to get forward and
this is how you do it this is you got to
let you just got to let go because if
what you're saying is true that's when
hell of a coincidence [ __ ] sucks
right it's it's just crazy that you were
into crippled porn yeah that's that's
the shitty part that that is the shitty
part and the reason why it's shitty is
because I literally have documented
proof that I actually had genetic
problems and I actually have shows about
the neuropathy and being peripheral
neuropathy that was actually one of the
symptoms maybe maybe you knew it somehow
subconsciously that it was going to
happen or something yeah that's pretty
much [ __ ] and that the crappy part was
this is where the whole entire reform
really start is the regret I have no
regrets in my entire life doing drugs
thievery going to jail uh you know all
that stuff I have no regrets any of
anything else but I have that one regret
and that was porn and knowing that I
actually do have a physical issue that
really just showed me that this is the
what God would have let me have a
healthy outcome with a more successful
marriage if I would have just let it
happen without having porn it would just
naturally happen and I would been like I
don't know probably much healthier
minded and when you're in an an
addiction you're not comprehending what
others see and when you start to like
get clean when you start to actually
process you start to really kind of like
understand like holy crap I did that
you're like yeah you did that like holy
oh man and then that's when you start to
get like you see clearly now right so
that's when I started really realize
like hey you know what by physical
ailment that's actually going was
inevitable um if I was to just let go
and just uh quit a long time ago I would
have been a much healthier person and
being on the receiving end of about
these these people I can pretty much
understand now that you know what I was
doing was hurting myself and hurting
others um even though they were never
there they were participating on the
other side of the screen and a lot of
people don't realize that there are
plenty of crippled people that play into this
this
they play into this devot world you know
I've seen it all the time on Facebook
Instagram there are there are people out
there that literally go on only fans
just because the Toots will pay for this
stuff I would never do that [ __ ] I never
did that I'm so glad I had gotten clean
seven years ago and my journey from now
being clearer and healthy thinking has
been much easier how how much how bad
did your porn addiction get how much
time were you spending uh I pretty much
was mastur in Daily every day uh minimum
like you know two three times a day uh
uh the smartphones I didn't get a
smartphone at first but when smartphones
just became very dominant in the uh you
know cell phone industry that was pretty
much when I was kind of like forced to
actually have a smartphone and because
you were in a wheelchair you probably
felt like you couldn't
get anyone else and these girls were
probably yeah the best fit for you right
uh I wear a earplug see it again
no it just seems like because
you're in a
wheelchair women that are similarly
disabled were your only option uh not
really and yes because uh you know
coming from my uh past marriage um she
was normal she was able-bodied uh she
just never was down with the whole
entire porn thing especially when she
knew a kind um she just was never she we
would always AR argue and fight over it
I'm like babe this is actually just a
thing so your wife found out that you were
were
into I actually told her way back in the
very beginning of our relationship and
you expecting that marriage to last yeah
we were hoping for that to we had good
intentions we both had good intentions
admire your honesty yeah I mean I I
think it was just because I was just
needed to be honest I I felt safe doing
that and I didn't get the good outcome
as much as I really wanted I didn't get
the good outcome which is actually a
part of the whole entire thing of
feeling I don't know chick that I don't
know any chick that could survive that I
know and that's actually a big reason
why I felt really um respect a whole lot
of respect and admiration and a whole
lot of you know guilt for the things
that I did with my ex-wife because you
know she was a good person she is a good
person I just don't have contact with
her anymore and you know when it comes
down to being an addict of pornography
you don't realize that you only have one
chance at this as much as you may think
it's actually going to go back to normal
it's never going to go back to normal
and with my ex-wife you know the
relationship was so tarnished I just
basically had to let her go and you know
I was out of like one of those I can't
blame you I is is there recovery from
being a porn addict oh yeah there's
definitely a recovery from being a porn
addict first thing you got to do is just
take out the Temptation which is my case
it was cell phone I straight up gave my
ex-wife the cell phone and I said I
can't take anymore that's the very first
thing you got to do you got to basically
surrender and know that you can't do
this alone you know if you are actually
knowing that you're a addict that
doesn't mean [ __ ] what matters is that
you actually come to the realization
that you're addiction has just been so
much is that you are actually out your
life has been unmanageable and I think
freaking five times a day is a freaking
definitely unmanageable right I couldn't
think without it you know I was on the
screen without the screen so yeah I I
definitely it was the very first thing I
did I was like here here I don't want
the cell phone anymore and she's like
well how are we going to communicate I
was like We'll go back to a a flip phone
I was like I ain't taking that [ __ ] so
that was the very first thing she was
proud of me she was like that was the
very first time she felt so proud of me
that knowing this was going to be
different and I felt very good about it
so she was actually willing to yeah she
was willing to she was willing to work
it out and guess what happened two
months later I started having
neurological problems that's some [ __ ]
up [ __ ] that's karma that's that's
exactly what's Karma man it was either a
uh the devil which I I do believe I just
don't really focus on that the Devils
the demons I don't do that [ __ ] um I
just know that he does exist in
different forms um that's enough said
right and then God is like you know what
Matthew you know you reap what you sow
and then also another nature saying hi
hey genetics that's a [ __ ] here you go
so basically everything just came
crashing down to me all at once and it
seemed like every single person Mother
Nature God the devil Karma whatever just
saying yep we're going to put this on
Matthew and that was it and I just went
through a whole big change in my whole
entire body and you know what sucks they
actually call them pseudo seizures or
psychogenic non-epileptic seizures so I
basically didn't know I was epileptic
the whole time why are you epileptic
because of brain damage ain't that some
[ __ ] some [ __ ] up [ __ ] so how did you
recover from it okay so how did I
recovered was one I applied the 12 steps
of my recovery from you had to recover
from a divorce too yeah yeah and it was
all basically based from drug ad drug
addiction way back when I'm I'm nearly
20 years clean in uh six months uh and
that's drug addiction I applied the 12
Steps principles to my porn addiction
and as well as a codependent
relationship so that's the very first
one is you basically are admitting that
your life is unmanageable and that you
need help the second one is you came to
be believe that a power greater than
yourself can restore to sanity doesn't
say God just a power it can be the ocean
it can be anything it could be the cops
there are power greater than you so you
just basically go to that and then the
third one is you uh turn your willing
over the care of God as you understand
him and that's the hard part is
surrendering to something that you don't
know um and then also the fourth one is
you search a fa this moral inventory of
yourself so basically I was using the
App application of 12 steps to not only
my recovery from Dr porn addiction but
also my codependent relationship but
we're on the uh addiction that's the
whole topic of the uh of the you know
video so how that happened was it was a
graduation where I started the journal
and I started the journal and I started
to really realize more and more that you
know after soul searching uh I was able
to process my feelings I was able to
process my feelings and no one I was
able to even say it to myself I was not
even able to verbalize what was inside
of my head about the pychology stuff
like that I wasn't able to and then up
until a couple weeks ago I basically
just said you know what [ __ ] it I'm
going to go ahead and unload on my
roommate because I actually need to get
this out in order for me to move forward
my life Mark I basically said you know
what how about this how about I go ahead
and make an extreme choice and actually
surrender and trust that it's all out on
the table if I want a real healthy
relationship in the future she's going
to know she's going to find out and it's
better me telling it all all at once or
she find out and that's what actually
kills relationships more than anything
else is hiding and lying and dishonesty
so yeah so if if I actually learned um
how to be have a Rel a healthy
relationship with my ex-wife or anybody
for that matter I would have actually
had a healthier life so now here I am
applying on what I've learned and it
started to get better with me but now
with her because the she knows about the
past and she couldn't get over it and
which is again now I can't blame her for
that right so I started to go to uh
therapy for my uh seizures I started to
go to therapy for processing we tried
out marriage counseling we tried working
it out um but things just kept on going
out and then as for Recovery it always
gets worse before it get gets better
which means that you're going to have to
face the facts about your past about
what you've done and how you how much of
a sick person you are I was sick I just
didn't know how bad it was and when it
comes down to pornography addiction you
have to basically say uh you're done on
all levels you can't have one little
thing that says but what if maybe I
could do this if I actually try this out
maybe I'm weaning it like a lot of
people are you know drug addiction or
cigarettes maybe if I wean myself no no
no no no all of it
that's when you actually are committed
to your recovery that's when you
actually will make a change I have not
looked at porn in almost seven years and
honesty is you know just coming clean is
probably a big part of it too oh yes oh
yes oh yes and this is an action step
Believe It or Not uh for me to actually
be on camera and for me to actually talk
about takes a lot of balls that's how I
feel this is actually the the biggest
skeleton of all the the size of [ __ ]
you're you're I think the third or
fourth porn addict that has written me
wanting to do an interview and then
backed out except you actually showed up
I got a [ __ ] balls you got
balls rock that [ __ ] um yeah and I
actually don't use profanity but this is
all out on the table you know what I
mean and I I got to tell you when you
were to talk about drug addiction or
action steps in the future you can't
just only comprehend what the 12 steps
are these are action steps if you want
to get clean Step One is surrender and
that's going to an AA meeting that's
going to NA meeting that going to
gambling Anonymous meanings that's
number one number two is I came to
believe that a power greater than
yourself can restore you to sanity that
means you got to trust you got to trust
the group that's an action step
internally number three is an action
step spiritually is where you can
actually start to comprehend more about
what it is to mean spiritual not
religious I'm not religious even though
I go to church and even though I do
believe in Jesus and I actually do the
whole nine I'm not spiritual because I
can guarantee you if you actually were
to sit down with me do all this funky
stuff I can tell right now you're like
oh yeah you were definitely not
religious um but you know believing in
God is not religious and so once you
start to get more involved with what God
is who you are as a person how you can
change your personality that's when you
can actually say like yeah I've been
taking action steps for me to actually
surrender give it up to that phone that
was an action step for me to journal
that was an action step for me to
actually learn about myself internally
that's an action step but for me now
being able to go on camera is a big
[ __ ] you know uh action step
especially when it comes down to saying
like hey you know what I was a porn
addict I was um you know attracted to
handicap women and now I'm not and why
am I not well because now I see my I see
my freaking self every single day in
this chair it's not only a prison it's
also freedom because it not only gets me
around town but it allows me to actually
Express the fact that I can actually be
myself which means that now I don't have
to actually I don't have to fight the
fight uh when you're actually in this
kind of thing called recovery uh
physically we're not talking about drug
addiction or anything like that we're
talking about physical you're kind of in
this whole entire aspect of about in
between the lines where you are having a
physical ailment whether it be a brain
damage U it affects your movements or
being paralysis you're fighting yourself
you're fighting to not give up that's a
fight that's actually what is the in
between you're not really considered
disabled but you are you could be
temporarily disabled into the fact that
you know you can be end up 10 years from
now still fighting it do physical
therapy and then you have crutches and
that people look at you and say oh
you're disabled but not everybody thinks
you're disabled so when you're fighting
this able bism and stuff like that where
you actually want to be able you're
fighting yourself you're fighting
Society you're fighting the way you
think the way you believe in things for
me I just said [ __ ] it I basically said
like you know what how about this how
about I just go ahead and give up
fighting the fight about my legs and
accept the pair of wheels and except
this is an absolute transition where now
I am handicapped I could learn how to be
able in a in a handicap situation so now
I can actually understand and envision
myself in the other person's shoes and
then now as a recipient about a handicap
I actually can tell people on the
opposite side of the spectrum about
who's attracted to who is don't go down
that route this is Darkness this is
actually not going to end well for you
this is actually a toxic situation but
on a healthy note there are people out
there that have inner abled
relationships where they are handicapped
and they have regular people who are
actually married to them and the nice
thing is about that my dad was a great
example about not giving up on your wife
not giving up on your family although
they had bad parenting skills the good
thing was was that my dad was a great
example about not giving up on on
somebody and for me I think that was
what I learned about that whole inner
abled relationship is you got to accept
with you know who you're with as a
handicapped person with an Able Body
person and then now here I am I'm
looking at everything I'm like you know
what [ __ ] this like this is good and so
the healthy side about relationships is
that those people are actually admiring
your spirit they are actually attracted
in a healthy way to a handicapp person
and that's what I actually had to learn
and what I want I want that I want a
healthy relationship I want a healthy
good life I don't want to hold on to
something that's pornographic I mean I I
see so many videos about like you know
oh this is good this is great no no it's
not you want to know why the people
actually say that I'll tell you why they
say that is because they're not focusing
on our future being of the Earthly
Pleasures whether it be sex gambling
Drugs That's all the Here and Now what's
your opinion of porn my opinion of porn
is that it's actually a byproduct of
Satan of in inside it's a byproduct you
know what I mean cuz you know our
neurochemicals our brains were
considered to be actually having a a
good balance but the problem is with
people who are either born with an
imbalanced psychological issue or
anything like that or actually have
traumatic past like me we don't know how
to actually manage our emotions so what
do you do when you actually try to
manage your emotions you try to medicate
you try to do anything you can and feel
good and then that right there on a
neurochemical scale doesn't really have
a balance to it because it actually
doesn't have a balance to it you're not
healthy and so that dopamine is like a
drug which because your your body your
brain is a drug uh and unfortunately
that's the truth you go to church and
you're praising believe it or not you're
you're actually accessing a
neurochemical high or you go over here
and you go to gambling you're accessing
a neurochemical high you know what the
difference is though the difference is
between um you know how porn is bad is
that it's a flood in an instant and it's
only quick and then you're still left
with yourself we are a group like
creatures we are pack like animals like
dogs dogs and us are no different when
we actually are sitting with our dogs
we're getting a dopamine healthy happy
good high that's longterm but it's not a
big huge dump it's not a big huge high
this long lasting and it's a good uh
neurochemical balance and being healthy
and hugging people saying I love you
those are healthy balances I had to
learn that when I actually got clean off
porn I had to learn how how to be a a
good person and I actually go to the
church of latterday saints and I didn't
realize that the missionaries that I
actually are still in contact with when
they actually said I love you when
that's like oh my gosh when they there I
didn't even know these kids I didn't
even know who the hell they are they got
tags and they're freaking happy I'm like
holy [ __ ] I [ __ ] love you like and
you tell me I've love you know you love
me oh my gosh I'm going to love you even
more and then I actually found a place
in society and in the Church of
latterday saints where now I can
actually find a place about who I can
actually belong to in in a community and
I actually started to you know act
normal I started to actually learn how
to stare at a person's face versus their
body because over at church it's all
modesty good-looking women but not in
the sense that like you know I'm
actually gawking over I'm over here in
freaking secret I'm like you know
playing with Mr Peter I ain't doing that
[ __ ] but I will tell you by hugging
people by talking to them by actually
complimenting people and actually saying
I love you I know that it's a
neurochemical high and this is actually
what we were designed to do we were not
designed to isolate ourselves and we
were not designed to sit behind a
freaking computer and freaking enjoy
ourselves and enjoy with what we see we
can't I can't actually physically touch
that person I can message myself oh yeah
do this do that this is great you know
I'm only fans like how about do do this
is awesome all you're doing is you're
actually accessing the internet trying
to actually have that person fulfill
your needs and then when you're going to
talking about peeping Toms that was
before the internet and actually reading
that freaking stuff like that like oh
that's the same [ __ ] before the internet
except it got worse because the internet
even exists so only fans is just another
easy access and sometimes that ain't
enough that's not enough now you
actually have to go to the extreme and
then that tolerance level it's just like
a drug with porn is where now you're
going around the corner and now you're
staring at her it's like she didn't even
[ __ ] ask you to freaking stare at her
she's just no doing her normal business
she's just even a regular clothes she
ain't even freaking in anything else but
now it's in California oh lgbtq what
else is oh M well let's go ahead and
throw out an M there for you know I
don't know let's lgbtqi yeah I don't
know question mark who come on dude that
is straight up environmental that's not
only environmental uh saying it's okay
you can be yourself you know come on
dude just just help the kid out manage
theirselves and actually being more
appropriate if you're gay [ __ ] cool
freaking if you're not gay [ __ ] cool
but see the thing is is that you were
wired to be more of a connection with
people that's the reason why the gay
community is a gay community because
they are actually with people God made
you that way if you're gay he wants you
to be gay with somebody else if you're
handicapped he wants you to actually
have a good healthy relationship with
another person so these crippled people
these handicapped people on the other
side of the camera when I see them on
face Facebook saying oh come on down
with only fans it's great or Instagram
like oh yeah I'm in you know par of
devotees like dude y'all are some sick
[ __ ] dude because I can't believe I was
there and now now I'm not and I will
never go back to that [ __ ] I will never
go back to porn I will never freaking
look at another person like that able
buddy or crippled I don't give a [ __ ]
dude I will always know that deep down
this was a time for closure and I will
actually live my health healthy life man
I will actually leave here with saying
thank you God for you know telling me
that you know this is it this is
actually a turning point where
everything for 37 [ __ ] years 38
years is when I actually close the door
on my past and I'm embracing the future
you know especially when I want to have
a family believe it or not Mark
everything works I just can't move it
that's all you know that's all it's a
it's a brain neural connection problem
but everything works and so I am more
than welcome to actually have a healthy
relationship with somebody over at
church I am not going to find myself
over in a bar I'm not going to find
myself anywhere that's weird um that's
it man freaking when it comes down to
healthy happy people you know I'm going
to find that person and then we're going
to go ahead and click and then when they
actually start seeing you know my past
like holy you're a [ __ ] cool guy I I
hear it a lot you know I'm sorry when I
say that to myself but it's like I hear
that every day being a right share
driver oh my gosh what happened to you
and then I go down my whole entire list
and I talk about all this like you're
such an inspiration Matthew I remember
this one time was like a couple days ago
I was over at the gas station and then I
was putting my chair out and know
pumping gas and go ahead and get my
chair back in right it's a process but
I've already gotten used to it right
some freaking old lady comes right
behind me and says you're awesome I like
[ __ ] yeah like you're cool like yeah man
don't keep keep it our secret man you're
oh yeah you know like dude you're cool
Mark for doing what you're doing man
like that's a cause and that's also
another thing that's bad with porn is
that there's no cause there's no good
motivation I hear with pornography with
uh strippers great example and also
homeless people they all want to do good
in life but the problem is is that they
are so hindered by what's in front of
them that they're not willing to take it
on they're not willing to surrender say
you know what I give up with this
[ __ ] life I'm done but they don't
want to do that they want to hit Brock
bottom first like me like everybody they
just want to hold on to that the thing
is like you know what what if I actually
no dude that's a devil dude that's
pornography that's addiction that's
wants to keep you there wants to make
you feel un happy you are alone and
that's what he wants he wants you to
feel unhappy but God is actually a
loving God not a bad God he's like you
know what dude how about this how about
I just give you the choice when you're
ready I'll be here I I'll be here dude
you know I I can tell you right now um
these people who want to do good in life
never really get far because they're not
willing to make extreme choices this was
an extreme Choice when I inquire I said
you know what dude I'm going to let it
out I'm going to let out my darkest
biggest secret from childhood to now
about you know having an attraction to
that and then now I don't I am actually
never whenever I'm alone and all that
stuff I don't touch myself I don't touch
myself I don't freaking whenever I'm on
the phone I am feeling free and clear
looking at the screen I'm like [ __ ] yeah
dude like I could just do this all day
day and actually not H have a boner you
know what I mean I was like holy [ __ ]
this is awesome God you're oh my gosh
yeah and then you know talk about the
latterday Saints you know I couldn't
have done it without them I couldn't
have done it out people at church and a
latterday Saints kids um being a role
model I play Wheelchair Sports I play
Wheelchair Sports too I play wheelchair
rugby rugby straight colliding into
people straight like battle tanks you
straight go boom I love it I've got
tilted over so many times and you know
being a role model to people who are not
like me who See Me Now versus what I was
that's a side of hope that's now where
I'm actually should be I should be a
role model of these people you seem
really happy and he oh yeah oh yeah and
I'm right now getting on do bean rush
because I'm actually taking this
necessary steps I'm making that extreme
choices I'm not afraid anymore takes a
lot of courage to do what you're doing
right now that's what I'm telling you
and do talk about repentance you know
when we say oh repent you know repent
well you know what that's an old that's
an old term that no one gives a [ __ ]
about but the word has meaning to it
like you have got to lay down your old
stuff you know and what does that mean
for me now in the future well I'm pretty
sure that I'm never going to have to
worry about telling this to anybody I'm
now comfortable saying that right I
don't have to tell anybody I now can
actually feel free going back to Vegas
knowing that it's like okay Matthew this
is what I'm thinking God would say to me
also I'm taking like this is a parallel
me and him we are good so I'm thinking
like you know what if I want to be
wealthy how am I going to get there and
then the plan starts to kind of evolve
and it starts to change a little bit it
doesn't it's not a clear path so it
starts to evolve right well Matthew if
you're GNA want to have a good family
you're gonna have to lay this down and
then that's when the fear comes in and
then that's basically when you can
actually see how the devil or
pornography or addiction will hold you
back from a good healthy life you got to
see that you got to break through that
and that fear oh man I was terrified
coming over here and then in order for
me to have to actually have to help that
happy happy family whether I'm I'm a
stepdad or I'm actually a a new dad I'm
going to be a healthy happy Dad and
healthy happy husband because I've been
able to overcome that um inside overcome
that and physically too um with all that
said about if I want to be a wealthy
person because I want to I see myself as
job which uh in the Bible he actually
was U you know stricken by the the devil
and dying and all that stuff with boils
in his neck and all that stuff matth I
can only take so much of the religion
talk I know I know he did a great job
though I appreciate it yeah proud of you
yeah yeah and then you know that's
that's where being rewarded for for
courage being rewarded Ed for going down
the route that you need to go to you
know like it doesn't even have to be
about you know religion it's just
basically being a a good person and you
have to just you just have to break
through that fear because fear is just a
feeling and fear is a psychological
thing but it's not an action Stu you've
got to make some actions you got to
whatever it is you just got to freaking
let go you got to let go and you just
got to trust that whatever you're going
to let go there's better tomorrow
because tomorrow's going to come and if
you don't have anything set up you're
going to fail again and then you're
going to keep on failing until you fail
again so you know it's just a matter of
time when you're actually like you know
playing Wheelchair Sports you're getting
out in the world and you're playing with
you know playing with kids and you're
inviting people over they're watching
the whole thing they're like dude I want
to freaking play wheelchair bro be on
like hell yeah let's do this so they
volunteers go down and they actually
play with me regular people like you get
in these freaking Wheelchairs and we
Collide in one another oh my gosh you
could see the you should see the faces
on their faces oh my gosh it's Priceless
and that's my drug that's my drug every
time they have picture I have a bulletin
board I have a bulletin Port full of the
missionaries and me freaking just post
it up you know like hanging out with the
kids and freaking being a role model of
these kids and actually uh not just only
the kids but also the parents too when
they see me and I'm rolling around at
church man they're freaking love me like
hey Matthew Matthew why because I've
done [ __ ] I've done stuff to get here
I've I've had to push through and I've
had to be a different person that label
that label pornography I'm just an this
it's label you don't accept the label
that you have oh I am this way because
no it's no it's not no you do not have
to accept where you are me unfortunately
I do have to accept my paralysis but I
don't have to accept my personality
that's the difference between I was
talking about I was talking about the
personality you can actually change
yourself I'm going to go ahead and give
you a quote that you may like it's it
out no problem but before I do I want to
go ahead and say it you can actually put
a crackhead in a business suit but all
you get is a crackhead in a business
suit if you change the crackhead and
change him into a businessman you're
going to have a businessman in the
business suit that's what you talk about
and I do appreciate you letting me come
down here I drove four hours to get here
and I'm going to go ahead and uh drive
by the beach because I really don't care
for California anymore hey no pun for
the residents no pun I'm a California
Native being here long enough I just
can't take it anymore I want to go back
to work I want to come back to driving
and living my life in a good healthy
happy way and um you know when it comes
down to this whole entire porn thing I
got to tell you man don't [ __ ] humor
into that [ __ ] and then freaking one
comes down to the disability devot and
pretend or wannab be don't ever identify
yourself as that and get the [ __ ] and
get the hell out you know get some help
you're going to need it because uh it's
just going to cause you pain and a
loneliness so I can definitely tell you
right now I'm so glad I'm no longer
interested in that crap and I I fin I
find everybody everybody attractive and
I appreciate everybody's uh personality
I appreciate the person before I look
down you know because it's right here
you care about this only and then after
that once you actually are like you know
having a marriage and relationship all
bets are off man Matthew thank you thank
right even though soft white underbelly
consists of a lot of videos It's really
still a photographer project to me and
if you appreciate the photography
sometimes it's difficult to enjoy it
when it's scrolling down the screen
which is the only option I had in this
horizontal format on uh on YouTube so
last year we came out with the first
softw underbelly book which is a
collection of the best portraits from
the thousands of interviews I've done
each portrait in this book is
accompanied by an interesting quote from
the person's
interview oh my
God there's more [Applause]
[Applause]
wow these aren't as bad as I thought I
witch the book includes multi-page
spreads of both Rebecca and the Whitaker
family I will not be reprinting this
book when it sells out so once it's gone
it's gone for good you can order yours
at softw under. org $125 $150 for a sign
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