This content explores the psychological theories of Eric Berne, focusing on how people engage in "games" – repetitive, often unconscious patterns of behavior driven by internal "scripts" and personality states (Parent, Adult, Child) – and how recognizing and moving beyond these games leads to authentic living, genuine relationships, and true freedom.
Mind Map
Click to expand
Click to explore the full interactive mind map • Zoom, pan, and navigate
Welcome to the philosophy of success. A
place where we discover together the secrets of
books about the power of thought, motivation, and
inner energy. Imagine, just
one idea can change your life. But did
you know that almost 90% of viewers
watch our videos without a subscription? If
you want to be the first to learn about new stories
and practices that make people more
successful and happier,
subscribe to the channel right now and click the
bell. And here we go. Imagine an
old cafe on a street corner. People
come here every day. Some are there for their
morning coffee, others are just waiting out
the rain. It might seem like nothing special, but
if you look closely, you'll see that there are
whole dramas unfolding here.
There's a woman in a grey coat sitting outside the window
. She tells her friend how her
husband was late from work again, and in her
voice one can hear not just fatigue, but a
hidden request. Have pity on me. The friend
nods, sighs, and it’s as if an
invisible thread is tied between them. A thread from an old
game called "Look What You
Did to Me!"
Boris's pillars smile at the man
who arrives every day at exactly 8:10.
He smiles too, but
another game has been going on between them for a long time. Game Try to
guess if you like me. And in the corner behind a
newspaper there is an elderly man hiding. He is
silent, but keeps looking at
people. His favorite game is "I'm not playing."
And at this moment, as if between the cups
and steam of coffee, the
book’s narrator, Dr. Eric Berne, appears.
He sits down at a free table, takes out a
notepad and quietly says:
“You know, friends, people are amazing
creatures. They talk, they work,
they love, but most often they play.”
He pauses, looking at us over his
glasses. Yes, they don’t play chess or
cards, but psychological games, those where the
rules are not written, but are known to everyone in their hearts.
hearts.
Bern does not judge, he observes.
It’s as if he’s saying: “Look
more closely, because you are participants yourselves.”
What kind of games are these? Why do we join them?
join them?
Berne starts with the simplest thing, with the fact that
every person has three personalities living inside him
. He calls them parent,
adult and child.
This is not a joke or a fantasy. It's like three
voices that live inside each of us.
When you strictly tell yourself: "You
can't do this, be the right way." This is what
the parent says. When you calmly think:
"Hmm, if I do this, the result
will be like this." This is an adult. And when
you just want to jump,
laugh, cry or run away,
that's a child.
Sometimes they argue, sometimes they are friends, but
most often they get confused and interfere with each other.
And it is from this confusion that the
very games that Berne studies are born.
Bern explains that psychological
play is not just a random argument or
conversation. It is a repetitive pattern of
behavior in which each participant
plays a specific role and receives a
familiar, albeit not always pleasant, reward.
reward.
Let's take an example. A young woman named Anna
constantly complains to her colleagues: "Why do they
always blame everything on me? Nobody
needs me." Her colleagues first
sympathize with her, then begin to avoid her.
Anna gets offended and says: “I
told you, no one needs me.” The game
continues. Anna's role is that of a victim.
She gets what Berne calls a
psychological benefit, confirmation of
her conviction that the world is
unfair and she is poor and unhappy.
It hurts, but it's normal. After all, when we
know our role, even if it is bitter, we
feel safe.
Bernu gives another example,
simpler but no less accurate. One day at a
party he was watching a couple, a young
man and a young woman. He jokes, she
laughs, but in every laugh there is a
challenge: “Try and catch up with me.” He
flirts, she backs away, then
comes closer again. This is a game. Take the first
step. or, as Berne said, flirting without
intention. On the outside, there's a cheerful conversation, but
on the inside, there's a tense exchange of roles, where both
know there won't be any real intimacy.
They get pleasure not from
the result, but from the process of the game itself.
Rick Byrne once said, "People play
games because they don't know how to just be."
This phrase seems simple, but there is a
whole philosophy hidden in it.
To be means not to hide behind a mask,
and to play means to defend yourself. When we
say: "I'm busy, I don't have time
to empathize, it's your own fault." We don’t
notice how we turn on one of the usual
roles: parent, adult or child.
Not the one who is needed now, but the one who
feels safe. And that's
when the games begin.
They can be harmless, like
look how hard I try, or they can be
destructive, like without you I am nothing
or if it weren't for you. Berne does not moralize.
It's as if he's telling us: "Games aren't evil, they're
just a way to survive when real
feelings are too dangerous." He compares
it to a dance where each partner knows
the steps but is not always aware of the music. And
if someone suddenly changes the rhythm, the game
collapses. Imagine that Anna, that very
victim, one day says: "You know, I'm
tired of coveting. I want to figure out
why I feel unappreciated." My
colleagues will be confused,
the game will stop.
Now something new will begin. Perhaps an
honest conversation,
but not everyone is ready for it, because without
games, life seems frighteningly real.
Bern once consulted a man
named Jack. He said: "Doctor, I always
choose women who
humiliate me. Why?" Bern didn't offer any
advice. He asked, "What do you
feel when this happens?
Anger. And at the same time, it seems to
confirm that I am unworthy.
That is, it’s as if you are looking for confirmation of
this thought. Looks like it. Bern
smiled. Then it's not an accident,
Jack. This is your game.
Jack was silent for a long time, then quietly asked:
“What if I stop playing?”
Bern simply replied: "Then you will begin to live."
live."
Listening to these stories, you involuntarily begin to
look at yourself. Where do I play?
When I pretend to be stronger than I am,
when I get offended not because it hurts,
but because I want to be pitied.
Bern seems to lead us by the hand, showing us a
mirror, but without judging. He says: "We are
all players. Some just realize it and
others don't."
He promises that we will further learn
to recognize these games in words,
looks, and habits. We will learn to notice
when we speak from the position of a parent, when
from the position of a child, and when from the position of an adult, and
gradually we will understand how to break free from old
scenarios in order to build real
relationships, not performances.
In the cafe, Bern finishes his coffee. People
continue to talk, laugh, argue,
but now it seems that a quiet thought hangs in the air
. What if it's all a game? Bern
stands up, puts on his cloak, turns to
you and says,
"Next time I'll show you how to understand
who's talking in you: the parent, the adult,
or the child. Without this, you can't see the
real game." He disappears into the morning
fog, and you remain sitting.
listening to myself, to the three voices
inside that have just come to life, which
of them is speaking now?
Sometimes, if you listen to yourself, you can
hear an amazing choir. Not voices
from outside, but from within.
One says sternly: “You can’t do this, it’s
wrong.” The second one calmly replies:
“Let’s figure out what will happen if we
try it anyway.”
And the third one laughs, is capricious, dreams:
“I want it right now.”
Eric Berne simply called them parent,
adult and child, and argued that
they control our lives far more
often than reason, will or habits.
Imagine a woman named Irina.
She is on her way to work, in a hurry, but suddenly
notices an old woman trying to cross the
road. Without hesitation he rushes to help.
At this moment, her parent speaks, the one
who cares, protects, and guides.
But an hour later, at a meeting, when her
boss harshly criticizes her project,
Irina cringes internally, her lips tremble,
and a completely different voice sounds in her head. I'm
bad, I ruined everything again.
This is no longer a parent, this is her child, the very one
inside, vulnerable and seeking approval.
approval.
And in the evening, when Irina returns
home and thinks: “Okay, I need to
analyze everything, what exactly
the boss didn’t like, what I can
improve.” An adult comes into play. He does
n't judge, he doesn't take offense, he just
looks at the facts.
It is the adult who can
stop the internal storm and say:
“Let’s get beyond emotions and see what’s really going on .”
.”
Berne wrote that these three states are not
just a metaphor. They live in us in
reality, as three independent sources of
thoughts, feelings and actions.
A parent is all the experience we
absorbed from adults while growing up. He
can be caring: take care of yourself,
eat, rest.
Or maybe it’s harsh? You have to, you must,
shame on you.
A child is our true feeling.
Joy, fear, delight, pain, resentment.
He is spontaneous, alive, unpredictable,
sometimes capricious, but it is he who makes
us human.
And the adult is the mediator. It analyzes,
connects, helps parent and child
talk to each other, rather than fight.
Berne loved to present simple scenes. Here,
for example, is a family dinner. The husband says to
his wife: "Why did you cook
pasta again? I asked for something
else." She replies: "If you don't
like it, cook it yourself."
Both are irritated, but if you look
deeper, you can see that these are not
adults arguing. He speaks from the parent:
"You did not fulfill my request, which means you are disobedient."
disobedient."
She answers from the child's perspective: "Don't tell
me what to do, I know what to do myself." The game is
ready. They will argue not about
pasta, but about power and freedom.
If one of them had
turned on the adult at that moment, the conversation would have gone
differently. For example, I'm tired of pasta, I
want something new. Let's
choose dinner together tomorrow. Fine. I just didn't know
you were tired of it.
It's that simple. But for this to happen,
one thing is needed: to realize who is speaking now.
speaking now.
Berne said that for many people,
the parent and child are so loud
that the adult is almost inaudible.
Some live under the power of an internal
parent, strict, demanding, and
eternally dissatisfied.
Others are under the control of a child,
emotional, vulnerable, always seeking
pleasure or approval.
Look around. One person works all the time
as if he is trying to earn
praise. The other one is always late and
rebels against the rules. The third one teaches everyone
how to live. The fourth one requires attention. They are all
different manifestations of those three voices.
voices.
Bern loved to observe people in ordinary
situations. In his notes, there is a scene where
he was sitting in a park and looking at a young
mother with a child. The boy asks for
ice cream, his mother says: "No, you'll catch a cold."
you'll catch a cold."
He starts to cry. Mom gets angry:
"Stop it immediately."
Berne wrote: "Two children, punished by
two parents,
because both mother and son do not act
like adults. He does not hear his feelings.
She does not understand her concern.
But the adult in her could say:
"Do you want ice cream because it's hot?
Let's choose something cool, but
not icy. "
Simple, calm, to the point."
But for this, you need to be mindful.
Berne argued that almost all conflicts
between people are an intersection of different
states. When a parent speaks to
a child, and the child responds out of resentment, when
two parents clash in a struggle for
rightness, or when two children
compete to see who will be the first to be offended.
He even came up with a special diagram, a
transaction chart, but we don't need a
table. It's enough to remember that every
conversation is an exchange between internal roles.
roles.
Let's imagine a simple scene. You
walk into the office, and a colleague greets
you with the phrase: "Late again? If
the parent inside you turns on, you will say: “You
watch yourself, not me.” If
a child gets involved, you'll justify yourself.
Honestly, I didn't want traffic jams.
If an adult intervenes, simply answer
calmly: "Yes, I'm 5 minutes late."
Let's discuss what I missed.
Three reactions, three different fates of
the conversation, and the choice is always yours.
Dern believed that a person's success lies not in
killing a parent or a child, but
in giving everyone their place.
A parent is needed to remember experiences and
care. A child to feel,
dream and rejoice, and an adult to
combine all this into living harmony.
Without a child, life will become dry, without
a parent, chaotic, without an adult, confused.
confused.
Bern often talked about a patient
named Martha. She came with a complaint: "I don't
understand why my husband is cold to me. I
do everything for him, cook, wash,
try to be perfect.
When Bern asked her to describe how she
talks to her husband, it turned out that she
always speaks like a parent, instructively, reproachfully
, with the attitude of "I know what's right," while her husband
reacted like a child, withdrawn,
distant, offended.
Bern asked: "Have you tried talking
to him like an adult after an adult, without
advice, without accusations?
She: "I don't know how. I think if I don't
control it, everything will collapse." He chuckled.
Then let's learn. After all, an adult is not the one
who controls, but the one who hears.
hears.
Sometimes just one realization is enough
for something to move. One day, a
few weeks later, Martha said,
"You know, Doctor, yesterday I didn't
lecture him, I just asked him how his
day was. And for the first time, he answered in detail, he
even smiled."
Bern nodded: "That's it. You allowed
yourself to be not a parent, but a woman."
Perhaps this is the secret of
human relationships. It’s about
hearing from what role we are
speaking now: not hiding behind
severity, not dissolving in childish
resentment, but giving space to all three voices.
Berne said that when a person begins to
notice his states, it is as if he
opens his eyes for the first time. Quarrels
become understandable, feelings
explainable, and choices possible.
Sometimes in silence you can ask yourself a
simple question: who is speaking in
me now: a parent, an adult or a child?
And this question can change everything.
Berne said: "True freedom
begins the moment you
find out who is currently in charge of your life.
And new discoveries lie ahead,
because when we recognize our
inner voices, it remains to be seen how
these voices begin to play with each
other, turning life into a series of
repeating scenarios.
Why do some people
find themselves in the same troubles again and again?
Why do we choose the same types of
partners, friends, bosses?
Sometimes it seems that life goes in circles.
Cities, jobs, faces change, but
the situations are still the same. Someone again
chooses a tyrant boss, someone
falls in love with a person who does not
reciprocate, someone again
starts with enthusiasm and burns in disappointment.
disappointment.
Why is this?
Berne said this because each of
us has a life script. A script
written long ago, in childhood.
Berne once told a story about a boy
who really wanted to become an artist. He
drew on the walls, on napkins, on
school notebooks, but every time he heard
from his mother: "Again nonsense. "Do
something useful."
The boy tried to please. He stopped
drawing, chose a normal profession,
became an accountant,
but inside he always felt that he was living someone else
's life. And only years later,
sitting at a consultation with Bern, he suddenly
said: "All my life I've been fulfilling a
script that I didn't write."
Bern explains it simply. When we are
little, the world seems huge and
unpredictable. To survive, we need
to understand how to be loved, how to earn
attention, how to avoid punishment. And
the child draws illogical,
emotional conclusions. He decides that being
good means pleasing, that love
is suffering, that success is dangerous because it
causes envy.
These conclusions become the building blocks
of the script, and then, as adults, we
play by the same rules, without even
realizing them. Bern often said:
"A child doesn't just live, he writes a
play in which he will then act all his
life." This play begins early. It
has roles, themes, endings. One script
ends with words, and then it
finally He proved to everyone that he was worthy.
Another, she waited her whole life to be
noticed. The third, he always saved
others, but forgot about himself. One day, a
young woman named Laura came to Bern
. Beautiful, smart, successful, but she
constantly chose men who left her.
left her.
She said: "I don't understand why this is happening to
me. Everything starts out great, and then
they're gone."
Bern asked her to talk about her childhood.
Laura recalled: "Mom was often sick, and
Dad was gone. I waited for him at the window. I always
thought, he'll come and everything will be fine."
fine."
Bern nodded, and you continue to wait for
someone who doesn't return. It's
just that now they're different people. She was
silent for a long time. "So, I'm still that child at the
window." "Yes," Bern answered. "Only now
you have a choice: continue waiting or
write a new play.
Bern noted that scripts are rarely realized.
realized.
We say: "It just happened that way. I have no
luck. I'm just that kind of person." But
these words often hide a long-standing
childhood decision. He even distinguished
scenarios of winners, losers, and non-
winners who didn't lose. A winner is someone
who once decided: "I can and am
worthy." A loser is someone who decided: "I'm
unworthy, I won't succeed." And a
neutral person lives between these
two, without risking, without losing, but also without achieving.
achieving.
Berne cited many scenes showing
how a scenario is born.
Here a father says to his son: "Men don't
cry." And the boy decides to be a man
, he needs to hide his feelings. A mother
says to her daughter: "All men are liars."
And the girl decides: it's better not to trust than to
suffer later. And here the parents argue
in front of the child about who is to blame. And he decides:
"I must reconcile everyone, then they
will love me." These decisions seem
harmless, but they become the foundation
on which the rest of his life grows.
life grows.
Berne wrote: "A child chooses a scenario
when he cannot yet choose life, but
then continues this choice over and over again
until he realizes that the script
can be rewritten."
Berne loved to work with metaphors. He
said: "Imagine that life is a
theater. You have a script, roles,
partners, but you can stop one day
and ask: "Who wrote
this text?" Sometimes the answer is shocking,
sometimes it is liberating.
In one of his cases, Berne describes a
man named Robert. He was
talented, ambitious, but never
followed through.
He abandoned every new project halfway through. When Bern
asked him what he felt at such
moments, Robert replied: "Relief and
then guilt." It gradually became clear that
as a child his mother had told him: "Don't be
arrogant, it's better to be modest. Smart people are
n't liked." Robert unconsciously
followed this message all his life. It was
as if he was saying to himself: "If I
succeed, my mother will stop loving me."
His script was called "Almost Made It."
Berne believed that a script consisted of
three parts: the child's decision, the
parent's message, and the ending of how the
person expects their story to end
. Sometimes the ending is tragic, sometimes
just sad, but it is always predictable.
Until a person realizes that this is just a
script, not destiny. Bern
recalled an incident where a woman
exclaimed after a long period of therapy. God,
I was always playing the role of poor
Cinderella, waiting for someone to save me. And
then she added quietly: “But I can
save myself.” Bern smiled.
Exactly. A script is not a sentence. It's
just an old play that you can rewrite.
rewrite.
But to rewrite, we must first
see the games the script
forces us to play. After all, each
scenario is fueled by its own familiar
games. Some play "Save Me",
others play "If It Weren't for You", and others play "Throw in
What You Did to Me". Games support
the script, just as actors support a
play. And while the game is going on, the script is
alive. Berne said: "A person becomes
free when he stops playing according to someone
else's script. But this does not happen in
an instant. First, you need to learn
to see what games you are playing,
recognize recurring scenes,
notice where you speak not from yourself, but
from old childhood decisions, and only
then take a step towards something new. Late in the
evening, Berne wrote in his notebook:
"The hardest thing is to believe that the script
can be changed, because it seems to be
itself." And perhaps it is at
this moment that the biggest turning point occurs,
because you only have to notice that you are
living according to a script, and the opportunity already appears to
live a different story,
your own. And now imagine, in the next
chapter, Berne will reveal how exactly we
play, what are the most famous
psychological games, how they
begin, how they end and why
we are drawn into them again and again, even
when we know that it will hurt. After all,
the script is a text, and the game is a
stage where this text comes to life. So what
games do people play every day and
why? Sometimes it seems that the conversation is going
quite normally. People are smiling,
discussing something, and suddenly one of them
feels as if he's trapped again.
trapped again.
The words sound familiar, and the feeling is
familiar. Irritation, fatigue, helplessness.
helplessness.
And here we should stop, ask ourselves
what's happening now.
But we don't have time. The game has already begun.
Berne called the game a repeating
sequence of hidden messages.
On the surface, ordinary conversation, and underneath
it an invisible serve, a clever pass to
which the other person responds unconsciously.
unconsciously.
On the surface - logic, on the inside - a script.
He liked to give examples straight from
life. Take, for example, the game of Dano. At
an appointment with Berne, a woman complains:
"Doctor, I can't find a job. Everything is
against me." Bern suggests: "Have you
tried taking refresher courses ?"
?"
Yes, but I don't have the money. Or maybe
free ones? Yes, but there's a waiting list.
Try searching for a classified ad. Yes
, but they only hire young people.
Maybe you should talk to your former
colleagues? Yes, but they're all busy.
Bern smiles.
It seems you don't want to find a solution. Do you
want to prove that there isn't one?
She's silent, then quietly says:
"Otherwise, what will I do next?"
That's the essence of the game. The
hidden gain is to maintain the familiar role of
the victim, whom everyone sympathizes with.
While the game is going on, there's no need to change anything,
because change is more frightening than the problem.
There's another game, often found in
families. If it weren't for you. The husband complains to
his friends: "I would have left for another
city a long time ago, started a business, if it weren't for my wife." And the
wife tells her friends: "I would have arranged my
life if it weren't for my husband."
Each gets what they want. Justification for their
own passivity and a sense of
moral superiority. But both are sitting in the
same cage, only looking in different
directions. Bern He said that such games
are a form of agreement between people. Let's
avoid change together, but blame each other.
other.
Sometimes the games even seem sweet. Take the
game "Kick Me." It begins with
innocent complaints. I can't
do anything. Everyone is against me. The other one first
consoles me, then gets upset. Come on,
pull yourself together. The first one gets offended,
you see, even you don't understand. And everything
comes full circle. One
suffers, the other is guilty. Both
are tired, but the scene is played out. Berne
observed that games can take place
anywhere: at home, in the office, even in a
queue. He recalled a scene in a hospital.
A patient approaches a nurse. I'm in
pain. Help.
Wait, the doctor has an appointment. Well,
of course, no one needs me. He doesn't expect
help. He wants to confirm that
no one needs him, and gets his inner
prize. Games have one amazing
property. They always end with an
emotional price. Someone gets
anger, someone pity, someone a sense of being
right, but all confirmations of the old
scenario. Berne said: "The game
ends the way it should
end, so that the participant says: 'I
knew it.'" He had a case with a
man named George. He complained
that all his subordinates were irresponsible.
irresponsible.
Bern asked to describe how he communicates with them
. George said: "First I give them
freedom, I trust them, and then when they make
mistakes, I have to control everything."
control everything."
Bern asked, "And how do they react?"
They start making excuses and getting offended. And you?
I scream and think: "Why are there only slackers around?"
slackers around?"
Bern smiled.
Maybe you're playing Look How
I Try And You're Letting Me Down.
George frowned,
then said quietly.
That is, I create the situation myself in order to
later prove that I am right. Berngivnul.
Here is the game. Sometimes games are
tiny, momentary. A man
approaches his wife. You are beautiful today.
She replies: “And yesterday, it turns out, I was
ugly.” It's a joke on the outside, but there's a whole story on the inside
. Her inner child doesn't believe the
compliment, looks for a catch, and starts a
small game of Prove That You Love Me.
Love Me.
Berne wrote that every game has a
beginning, a turn, and a win. The beginning is
the bait, the hook. A move is a series of exchanges, and
winning is a familiar feeling at the end. He
even compared games to small
performances. One sets the tone, the other
responds according to the role, and everything ends with
a line that the script prescribes
in advance. But not all games look
sad. Some even seem heroic.
heroic.
Here is the game "Save Me". It starts with a
request for help. continues with the self-sacrifice of
the self-sacrifice of
another and ends with resentment. I have
done so much for you, but you don’t appreciate it.
Berne noted that rescuers often look for
those who can be saved, while victims look for those
who will agree to suffer nearby. And together
they create the perfect dance of addiction.
Sometimes, watching people, Bern
would say sadly: "They are looking for love, but they find
partners in the game."
Because the game gives a feeling of closeness,
but not a real connection. It is safe,
everything about it is familiar. Roles, lines, ending. In
love there is uncertainty, and therefore risk.
Berne knew how to see the game from the first words.
One day a patient came to him and said:
“Doctor, you probably can’t
help me.” Bern smiled.
This is already the beginning of your favorite game. Let's
call it Guess what's wrong with me
, but don't guess too fast.
The patient laughed, and then thought about it. For
the first time. Games are often passed down from
generation to generation. Mother played
"Look how I suffer." The daughter in I'm not like my
mother, but still repeats the
same scenario. The son copies his father. I am
always right or I will prove it to everyone.
Berne said: "We not only inherit
traits, we inherit games." But what's most
amazing is that people begin to change
as soon as they notice that they are playing. There is no
need to fix anything right away. It
's enough to see the replay. One man,
hearing his games described, said to Berne,
Berne,
"I really do start with the
same words every time. That's exactly it. And by the time you
notice, the game is losing its power." Sometimes
he advised patients to keep a diary of
games, recording where and with whom they
felt familiar irritation, guilt,
fatigue. And suddenly it turned out that
life was full of repeating scenes. They
formed a mosaic: victim,
rescuer, pursuer. Again and
again. Bern did not condemn. He said:
"Game is a way to protect yourself from
pain. It's just that over time it begins
to replace life." He dreamed that people
would learn to recognize the games in themselves with
kindness, not guilt, so that they could
say: "Aha, here's my old script
playing out again. Thank you, I see
it now." Because at this moment
true freedom begins. Late that
evening, Bern wrote in his notebook: "In
every game there is a moment of choice: to see
it or to play it to the end."
And maybe this very moment decides
everything. After all, it is the path not only to
understanding others, but also to meeting
oneself. What if one day we stop
playing our usual roles? What happens
when a person who is used to being a savior
or a victim suddenly says, "I don't want to
continue this performance. I want to be alive."
alive."
This is where a new chapter begins. A chapter on
how to get out of the game and regain your
true feelings.
But are we ready for this? Sometimes a person
suddenly catches himself thinking: "What if
all this isn't me? What if my usual
words, smiles, insults, are just roles?"
And at that moment, it seemed as if something inside became
quieter, as if someone had flicked a switch
and the old performance had stopped.
Byrne called it the moment of awakening.
He said, "The game stops
when at least one player refuses to play.
play.
But refusing doesn't mean running away, it
means seeing, understanding that you can
react differently.
Once, Bern worked with a woman named
Sarah. She came in every week and
told him how hard her life was. Her husband
didn't help, her children were rude, and she wasn't appreciated at work
. She spoke sincerely, almost with
tears. Bern listened, then asked, "What do
you feel when you complain?
Relief. I feel a little better. And then?
then?
Then again, resentment. And then you
come again. Yes. So you're playing
Look How Bad I Feel. Sarah was surprised.
But I really am unhappy. Burn
smiled softly. Certainly. Only you choose to
experience pain through complaint, not
through action.
Sarah thought about it. A few weeks later
she came silently. Then she said: "
Yesterday I didn't complain to my husband, I just
said I was having a hard time and asked him to
help. And he helped." Byrne smiled. That's what it
means to stop playing. To leave the
game, you need to notice the feeling that
triggers it. Not words, not an external
situation, but what rises inside,
like a warm wave.
Sometimes it's loneliness, sometimes shame.
Sometimes the fear of rejection.
Byrne said: "Every game is a defense
against the pain that a person is afraid to feel.
to feel.
And to stop playing means to decide to feel."
to feel."
He told how he once
consulted a man who had everything
under control: successful, smart,
collected. But in the conversation it suddenly became
noticeable that he was holding his hands on his knees
too tightly, as if squeezing himself. Bern
said: "It seems like you are scared inside."
The man froze, then exhaled. If I
show fear, everyone will think that I am
weak. And if you do not show it, then I
must always be strong. It is
very difficult.
Bern nodded, so it was time to allow myself
to be a person, and not a role. For
the first time in many years, the man cried without
shame, without defense. And in this silence,
something changed. The game I always ended strong.
ended strong.
Sometimes leaving the game is like descending a
ladder into the depths. First,
confusion, and how now without the
usual words, then emptiness.
And then suddenly a simple, real feeling:
joy, sadness, tenderness, fatigue.
Bern said that it is these living
emotions that are food for the soul. Without them A man is
like an actor who has forgotten why he came
on stage in the first place.
He taught his patients very simple
things. For example, to slow down.
When you feel irritated, don't
respond right away. First, ask yourself:
"Who is speaking in me right now? If
a parent is strict, accusing,
if a child is offended or demanding? "What
if I'm an adult, calm, looking for a
solution?" Understanding this allows you to choose what to
say, rather than following the old
script. Berne loved the story of one couple.
They were constantly arguing over trivial matters.
He blamed her, she took offense. They were both
tired, but couldn't stop. During a
session, Berne offered them a set of rules:
"Every time you feel
irritated, say out loud: 'Now,
my parent or my child is speaking.'"
It seemed silly at first, but a
week later they came back and said, "It
works. We start laughing when
we say it." Burn smiled. Laughter is a
sign that you are out of the game.
Gradually, when a person learns
to notice his roles, he begins to tell
the truth, the one that is usually hidden behind
words. Instead, you make me angry, it
hurts me when you are silent. Instead of you always
doing something wrong, I'm afraid
that I won't be heard. And suddenly it
turns out that the conversation becomes
alive, like breathing, without scenes, without victories
and defeats. Just two people who
see each other. Burns said, "People
confuse acting with living because they're afraid
to be vulnerable. But
vulnerability is where intimacy is born." He
recalled one young woman who
played the situation for a long time: "I am strong, I am
myself." She never asked for help, but
one day during a session she cried and said,
"I'm tired of being strong." Burn replied,
"Now you live." Sometimes he
advised his patients to practice
small honesties, to say what they
really felt, even in small things.
small things.
I feel bad when you are late.
I'm glad you're here. I'm scared now.
These words sound simple, but there is no play in them
. There is life in them. Burne said that a
person stops playing when he
begins to be in touch with himself. Not with
an image, not with a role, but with the living me.
That's when silence appears inside. There is
no need to prove anything, no one
to save. You can just be. He called
this state autonomy,
the ability to feel, be aware of, and
trust oneself. But of course, it's not
always easy. Burn made no secret of the fact that
sometimes, when leaving the game, a person feels
lonely. After all, most people around are still
playing. And I want to return to the
stage, where everything is familiar.
But if you take a break, if you remain in
this honesty even a little longer,
suddenly new people, new
conversations, new feelings come without any equipment, without
repetition. Burne once wrote in his
diary: "When a man stops
acting, he can look
another man in the eye for the first time and see not a partner in a
role, but a living being."
He believed that it was at this moment that a
true meeting was born.
Sometimes, all it takes to stop gambling is
one short question to ask
yourself. What do I really want now?
Not that I should, not that I’m used to, but I
want to. The answer may be unexpected.
I want to hug, I want to be silent, I want to leave, I
want to stay. But there is always truth in it.
Burn believed that this was the beginning of inner
freedom, because a person who
knows what he wants no longer needs a script.
script.
Late in the evening, when the patients
were exhausted, Byrne often sat by the window of
his office. The lamplight fell on the
open notebook, and he wrote a short
line. The game ends where
authenticity begins.
Then he turned off the light and went out into the
cool street, where people were hurrying,
arguing, laughing.
Each in their own little play, each
on the way to that moment when one day they
say: “I don’t want to act anymore.”
But what happens next,
when the old roles fall away and a person
is left alone with himself, without the usual
scenarios and masks? how he builds new
relationships no longer by the rules of the game, but from
genuine contact,
honest and warm. Sometimes the room
suddenly becomes quiet. Not because we
have run out of words, but because we
no longer need them. The two simply look
at each other, and there is a silence between them
that contains everything: understanding, warmth,
a little fear. This is the moment when it is
not roles that meet, but people. Bern
said it was a rare condition.
Most couples, friends, and colleagues communicate
not from their true selves, but from their
internal roles: parent, child,
rescuer, judge. And while these roles
talk to each other, real
feelings remain on the sidelines. He
talked about a couple he had worked with for
many months. Alice and Tom. On the surface they
were perfect: a house, a job, mutual
friends. But behind the external harmony
hid an icy indifference. They hardly ever
argued, but they didn't touch either.
One day Bern said to them: "You are behaving
like two actors who have forgotten their lines but
continue to stand on stage." Alice
looked at her husband. "We just don't want to
fight." Bern answered quietly. Sometimes behind
calmness hides the fear of being alive.
These words seemed to stir something.
For the first time in a long time, Tom looked up
and said, "I've been meaning to tell you for a long time. I feel
lonely around you." Elisa glanced at him
: “But I’m afraid that if I
say that it hurts, you’ll leave.”
The silence dragged on, but suddenly a
real breath appeared in it, without
accusations, without scenarios. Just two
people who finally met.
Berne often said that true
intimacy is child-to-child contact.
Not in the sense of infantilism, but in the sense of
authenticity, when two people can
be themselves, be happy, be sad,
dream, speak frankly, without fear of
judgment. This is the moment when
everything is calm inside. You don't need to be smart,
strong, caring, or correct. You can
just be. He watched people
slowly learn this. For example,
a man who has played the role of a savior all his life
. He helped everyone: friends,
colleagues, even casual acquaintances, and
then felt offended. Everyone needs me, but
no one needs me. Bern asked him: "What do you
feel when you help? Control. I'm
needed. And when someone helps you,
awkwardness. I don't like being obligated."
Then you don't allow yourself to be vulnerable. And
without this there is no intimacy. The man
was silent for a long time, then said: “I don’t know how to
accept.” Bern will smile. Start
small. The next time someone
thanks you, just accept it without brushing it off
. A few weeks later the
man came back and said, "You know, it's
hard, but it's nice." Bern replied: "That's
live contact." Sometimes people
think that intimacy is passion or
constant joy. But Bern believed that
true intimacy was the absence of games.
This is when you don’t prove yourself, don’t
defend yourself, don’t manipulate, when you don’t
have to be someone, you can be yourself. He
recounted how one woman
confessed: "I find it difficult to tell my husband
that I love him. It feels like I'm losing
power." Bern asked: "What will happen
if you lose power? Maybe he
will stop respecting me? Or maybe he
will start to feel you for real.
She made up her mind. In the evening, she simply told
her husband: "I love you for nothing, I just
love you." He did not answer right away, then
came up and hugged. And both suddenly
burst into tears, because for the first time it
was not a game of "Guess what I feel",
but a living confession, simple, without a role.
Bern believed that love is possible only
between two adults: not
parents, nor children. And adults, in
whom the parent and child are in
agreement inside, then there is a space
where you can be real. He wrote:
"True intimacy is possible only
between those who know how to be honest, even
if it hurts." But, of course, honesty is
sometimes frightening. When a person stops
playing, it is as if he takes off his armor, and
next to him is another, also without armor, and both are
vulnerable. Bern called this moment a point of
living risk. He gave an example.
A man says to his wife: "I “I get angry when you
criticize me in front of my friends.” And she
replies: “And I feel invisible
when you’re silent.” Before, they would have
turned it into a quarrel. Now they simply
listen, hear each other’s pain, without
hiding behind a role. Berne wrote: “At this
moment, something is born between people for
which they seek a relationship in the first place: living
warmth.” Sometimes true intimacy
is manifested in a simple glance. Behr
described a case when a woman
was able to withstand her husband’s gaze for more than
a few seconds for the first time. Before, she always
looked away: shame, fear, the habit of
hiding, but now she looked straight. He
looked too. They both smiled. Not
because everything had become easy, but because for
the first time there was no need to pretend.
Berne believed that intimacy begins with
small steps. With the simple, I feel pain,
with the honest, I missed. With the kind, I am
grateful. He called these
touches, not only physical,
but also emotional.
Each such touch says: “I
see you. I'm nearby. I don't play." Sometimes
after such meetings, people would leave Bern
stunned. "How come I never
noticed how many kings I have inside me?"
they would say. And he would reply: "You've just
gotten used to them like clothes. But without them,
you're not naked, you're real." But what
happens when one person takes off their
mask and the other doesn't? When one is ready for
real contact, and the other continues to
play their old roles: victim, savior
, critic. Berne said that
this is one of the most difficult moments,
because it is impossible to dance
alone. And if the partners remain in
the game, you need to decide whether to stay on
stage or leave. He called this the choice of
maturity. One day, a woman said to Berne:
"I began to notice that my husband is constantly
playing. I try to speak honestly, but he
jokes and gets off topic. What to do?" Bern
replied: "Keep speaking honestly.
Sometimes your sincerity will become a mirror,
and he will see himself." "And if not, then
you are already in a different play." She asked: "
Which one?" He smiled: "The one where you
live, not act." Intimacy does not
always lead to eternal harmony.
Sometimes it shows that people have walked
different paths, but even in this there is truth,
and therefore freedom. Berne wrote: "Sometimes an
honest meeting leads to separation,
but there is more love in it than in many
darknesses lived through in the game." And yet,
when two people decide to be without masks, then the
world becomes a little warmer,
because through such people life
speaks itself quietly, simply, without
scripts. And then Berne asked his
patients a question: "When you stop
acting, who are you really? Not
a parent, not a child, not a savior? Who is
that person who remains? And people
wondered, because there is
another mystery ahead. If we do not play and do not
hide behind other people's roles, then who do we become?
become?
When roles disappear, at first there is
emptiness, as if someone took off the clothes
you were used to since childhood. You stand in
the middle of life, without a costume, without a
script, without the usual lines, and
you ask yourself: "Who am I now?"
Bern said: "When a person stops
playing, it is not the end that begins, but a birth."
birth."
He recalled how one day a
man named David came to him. Previously, he played the
role of a savior,
helped everyone, advised, sorted out
other people's problems, and now he suddenly realized
that he was tired.
"I stopped saving, doctor,"
he said, "but now I don't know who I am without it."
it."
Bern smiled.
You are just a person who can be there
without saving.
But what to do with the emptiness then?
Don't fill it right away. Let it become a
space where you appear.
David was silent for a long time.
I am afraid of this silence. “It’s
normal to be afraid,” Bern answered. “After all,
you hear yourself for the first time.”
Bern noticed that when a person loses
roles, he encounters an inner
silence to which he is not accustomed. In this
silence, there are no cues, no applause,
no familiar lines. Only breathing and
the question: what am I feeling right now?
If you don’t run, don’t close yourself off, don’t
engage in the old game, suddenly a
simple awareness comes: “I am alive, I feel,
I exist.”
Bern once told about a woman
who played the role of the ideal all her life.
She always smiled, always knew what to
say, but inside there was fatigue, anxiety,
real hunger.
After several sessions, she said:
“I don’t think I know who I am without this
ideal woman.”
Bern quietly asked: “Who were you when
you were 5 years old?”
She thought. “
I loved to sing loudly, even out of tune.
When was the last time you sang?”
She smiled through her tears. Probably
then, in childhood.
Bern said: “Then start with this.” Not
for someone, but just like that." A
week later, she brought
a guitar to the session. At first she was shy, then she began to sing
quietly, hesitantly. And suddenly the room
was filled with light, because at that
moment she returned to herself.
Bern called this state the return
of the child, but not in the sense of naivety, but in the
sense of authenticity.
This is the inner child who
knows how to rejoice, be surprised,
feel. The one we often
lose when we begin to live correctly.
He wrote: "The child within us is not
a weakness, but a source of life."
When this child awakens, a person
begins to see the world more vividly, hear others
more clearly and understand that everything around is alive.
Beren said that after games and scenarios, a
person begins to reassemble himself,
as if scattered pieces suddenly
began to form a new image. Not
alien, not imposed, but real.
He called this integration,
the moment when a parent, an adult and a
child inside a person stop
arguing and begin to work together as
one team.
Then the parent becomes kind
a mentor, a child a source of
inspiration, and an adult a wise
captain who steers the course.
Berne often asked his patients
to do a simple exercise.
Imagine, he said,
inviting three of yourself to the same table:
a parent, an adult, and a child. What would
they say to each other?
Sometimes amazing dialogues emerged from this .
. Parent,
Parent,
I wanted to protect you, so I was strict.
strict.
Child, I just wanted to be
loved, not taught. Adult,
Adult,
let's try to be together without fighting.
fighting.
After such scenes, people often cried and
then said: "For the first time in a long time, I
felt calm inside."
Berne believed that it was precisely this calm that
signified that a person had met himself:
"Not a role, not an unfamiliar defense, but a
living, warm self."
He wrote: "The real me is not the
result of effort. It appears when
all the musts disappear."
Sometimes Bern would ask his patients:
"What would you do if you didn't have to prove anything to anyone?"
prove anything to anyone?" The answers were varied.
The answers were varied. I would paint, go to the mountains,
I would paint, go to the mountains, play with children,
play with children, just get enough sleep.
just get enough sleep. And Bern would say: "Then start with this,
And Bern would say: "Then start with this, at least with one small step,
at least with one small step, because these steps are the path to yourself."
because these steps are the path to yourself." When a person stops playing and
When a person stops playing and remembers who he is, life suddenly
remembers who he is, life suddenly becomes simpler. There is
becomes simpler. There is more truth in it, less noise, and even the
more truth in it, less noise, and even the pain in it is pure, not poisoned by
pain in it is pure, not poisoned by resentment.
resentment. Bern liked to say: "Being yourself does
Bern liked to say: "Being yourself does not mean being perfect, it means
not mean being perfect, it means being alive."
being alive." Late in the evening he wrote: "People are afraid of
Late in the evening he wrote: "People are afraid of losing roles because they think that
losing roles because they think that without them they will disappear, but without roles they
without them they will disappear, but without roles they appear for the first time."
appear for the first time." He put his pen down, looked out the window where the
He put his pen down, looked out the window where the light of distant houses flickered, and quietly said to
light of distant houses flickered, and quietly said to himself: "That's it."
himself: "That's it." That's why I wrote this book.
That's why I wrote this book. And then, as if addressing everyone who has
And then, as if addressing everyone who has ever tired of playing, he seemed to
ever tired of playing, he seemed to say: "When you are more You don't hide, you
say: "When you are more You don't hide, you don't defend yourself, you don't pretend, and the
don't defend yourself, you don't pretend, and the world suddenly stops being hostile. He
world suddenly stops being hostile. He just responds.
just responds. And maybe that's when
And maybe that's when real life begins."
real life begins." But what happens next?
But what happens next? When a person has found himself, how does he live
When a person has found himself, how does he live now? How do his goals, desires, and
now? How do his goals, desires, and actions change?
actions change? What does success look like if you no longer have to
What does success look like if you no longer have to play at it? Sometimes the morning begins not
play at it? Sometimes the morning begins not with coffee, but with silence. You wake up, and there's a
with coffee, but with silence. You wake up, and there's a strange feeling of lightness in your chest. No
strange feeling of lightness in your chest. No one expects you to be right,
one expects you to be right, successful, or comfortable. You
successful, or comfortable. You can just be. And this feeling is not
can just be. And this feeling is not a holiday, not delight, it's freedom.
a holiday, not delight, it's freedom. Berne wrote: "Freedom is when your
Berne wrote: "Freedom is when your actions come from within you, and not from old
actions come from within you, and not from old games and other people's voices."
games and other people's voices." He often saw how people confuse freedom
He often saw how people confuse freedom with rebellion. Rebellion is I won't be like
with rebellion. Rebellion is I won't be like you. Freedom. I choose the way I want myself.
you. Freedom. I choose the way I want myself. One day, a young man named
One day, a young man named Peter came to him. He spoke with sharp confidence:
Peter came to him. He spoke with sharp confidence: "I no longer listen to my parents, my
"I no longer listen to my parents, my bosses, my wife. I'm free."
bosses, my wife. I'm free." Bern listened, then asked: "And what do you
Bern listened, then asked: "And what do you feel when you do everything the other way around?"
feel when you do everything the other way around?" Peter thought.
Peter thought. anger and a strange emptiness.
anger and a strange emptiness. "So you're still in the game,"
"So you're still in the game," Bern said. Only now it's your role. I'm not like
Bern said. Only now it's your role. I'm not like you. This is not freedom, this is a
you. This is not freedom, this is a protest.
protest. Freedom when you don't have to
Freedom when you don't have to agree or argue to be
agree or argue to be yourself.
yourself. Peter was silent,
Peter was silent, then quietly asked:
then quietly asked: "And what is it like to just be?" Bern smiled.
"And what is it like to just be?" Bern smiled. Try to do what is
Try to do what is really close to you, even if no one
really close to you, even if no one sees.
sees. Peter returned a month later. He looked
Peter returned a month later. He looked calmer.
calmer. I started drawing. I always wanted to, but I was
I started drawing. I always wanted to, but I was ashamed. A grown man. Now I
ashamed. A grown man. Now I sit down in the evenings and draw without meaning,
sit down in the evenings and draw without meaning, without purpose. I just like it.
without purpose. I just like it. Bern nodded. That's freedom.
Bern nodded. That's freedom. Doing not for approval, but because
Doing not for approval, but because you live.
Freedom is not noisy, it does not require proof, it is quiet, like breathing.
proof, it is quiet, like breathing. Bern said that a person becomes
Bern said that a person becomes free when he stops depending on the
free when he stops depending on the inner voices of the parent, which
inner voices of the parent, which They say, "I must, I should, I can't."
They say, "I must, I should, I can't." And when you stop looking for salvation in the
And when you stop looking for salvation in the inner child who cries,
inner child who cries, "Please love me."
"Please love me." Between these voices, an adult is born
Between these voices, an adult is born , one who can say,
, one who can say, "Thank you for your concern, but I will choose how to
"Thank you for your concern, but I will choose how to live myself." He remembered a woman named
live myself." He remembered a woman named Rud. She always asked everyone for
Rud. She always asked everyone for advice: her friends, her colleagues, her
advice: her friends, her colleagues, her therapist.
therapist. One day, Berne told her, "Today, I
One day, Berne told her, "Today, I will not advise what your
will not advise what your inner voice says. Rud was at a loss.
inner voice says. Rud was at a loss. I don't know.
I don't know. Then close your eyes and breathe.
Then close your eyes and breathe. What do you feel?
What do you feel? Warmth in the chest.
Warmth in the chest. What is this?
What is this? Calm.
Calm. Then maybe he's already talking,
Then maybe he's already talking, you just haven't listened to him before.
you just haven't listened to him before. From then on, Ruth began to live a little more slowly, with less
From then on, Ruth began to live a little more slowly, with less haste and fewer words. And every time
haste and fewer words. And every time she wanted to ask someone what was
she wanted to ask someone what was right, she smiled and said to
right, she smiled and said to herself: “I’ll try to hear myself.”
herself: “I’ll try to hear myself.” Freedom is not loneliness.
Freedom is not loneliness. On the contrary, when a person is free, he
On the contrary, when a person is free, he becomes closer to others, because
becomes closer to others, because next to him you can be yourself.
next to him you can be yourself. Byrne liked to repeat: "A free man
Byrne liked to repeat: "A free man does not demand, he invites."
does not demand, he invites." He told the story of a woman and a man
He told the story of a woman and a man who had lived in a marriage for many years out of
who had lived in a marriage for many years out of habit.
habit. When they started therapy, she said,
When they started therapy, she said, "I don't feel like myself around him."
"I don't feel like myself around him." And he I can’t be myself around her.
And he I can’t be myself around her. Burn smiled. Then start being
Burn smiled. Then start being yourself, even if there is no other yet.
yourself, even if there is no other yet. It was awkward at first. She stopped smiling
It was awkward at first. She stopped smiling when she didn't want to. He stopped
when she didn't want to. He stopped making excuses. They argued, remained silent,
making excuses. They argued, remained silent, watched.
watched. And then suddenly they started talking for
And then suddenly they started talking for real for the first time,
real for the first time, and respect appeared between them. Not
and respect appeared between them. Not because everything was perfect, but
because everything was perfect, but because they were now alive.
because they were now alive. Sometimes freedom looks strange. Someone
Sometimes freedom looks strange. Someone leaves a prestigious job and opens a
leaves a prestigious job and opens a small bakery. Someone stops
small bakery. Someone stops arguing and listens for the first time. Some people
arguing and listens for the first time. Some people stop being the eternal savior and
stop being the eternal savior and allow others to solve their own
allow others to solve their own problems.
problems. Berne said that a free person does not
Berne said that a free person does not seek an ideal image. He is looking for his
seek an ideal image. He is looking for his place in life: simple, warm,
place in life: simple, warm, real.
real. He used the word autonomy often.
He used the word autonomy often. This is not dependence on the world, but internal
This is not dependence on the world, but internal stability. When a person knows they
stability. When a person knows they can be in any situation without losing
can be in any situation without losing themselves,
themselves, he wrote, "Freedom is the ability to
he wrote, "Freedom is the ability to feel, think, and act
feel, think, and act independently,
independently, but with this freedom comes
but with this freedom comes responsibility.
responsibility. Without a script, you can't hide.
Without a script, you can't hide. Now every choice is yours. Every yes and
Now every choice is yours. Every yes and every no" sounds clear. And that's where the
every no" sounds clear. And that's where the power lies too. You stop being a victim of
power lies too. You stop being a victim of circumstances.
circumstances. Berne said: "While a person is playing, he
Berne said: "While a person is playing, he can always say: "They made me."
can always say: "They made me." And when he stops, all that
And when he stops, all that remains is "I decided."
remains is "I decided." He once watched his patient
He once watched his patient Emily say for the first time: "No, my
Emily say for the first time: "No, my mother, just calmly: "Mom, I'm not
mother, just calmly: "Mom, I'm not coming today. I want to be alone." After
coming today. I want to be alone." After the session, she said: "I was scared,
the session, she said: "I was scared, as if I were committing crimes, but then it was
as if I were committing crimes, but then it was easy."
easy." Berne nodded. This is the price of freedom to go
Berne nodded. This is the price of freedom to go through fear and remain yourself.
through fear and remain yourself. Sometimes freedom begins with little things, with
Sometimes freedom begins with little things, with allowing yourself not
allowing yourself not to smile when you don't want to, or to
to smile when you don't want to, or to laugh when it is inappropriate.
laugh when it is inappropriate. Drink tea slowly, say: "Not
Drink tea slowly, say: "Not because you have to, but because
because you have to, but because you feel."
you feel." Such simple things seem unimportant, but it is
Such simple things seem unimportant, but it is from them that a new self is built.
from them that a new self is built. Berne believed that true success is not in
Berne believed that true success is not in money or recognition.
money or recognition. He wrote: "The greatest achievement of a
He wrote: "The greatest achievement of a person is to be yourself among people who are
person is to be yourself among people who are playing."
playing." and added: "This is the hardest thing because it
and added: "This is the hardest thing because it requires the courage to stay alive."
requires the courage to stay alive." He once, in his last session His
He once, in his last session His patient asked: "Doctor, what do you
patient asked: "Doctor, what do you consider freedom?"
consider freedom?" Berne thought and said:
Berne thought and said: "To be able to look in the mirror in the morning and see
"To be able to look in the mirror in the morning and see not a role, but a person with whom you are ready to
not a role, but a person with whom you are ready to live the day." A
live the day." A free person stops fighting
free person stops fighting the world. He does not resist the flow of
the world. He does not resist the flow of life. He goes with it, but in his
life. He goes with it, but in his own way.
own way. Sometimes he makes mistakes, sometimes he falls, but all the
Sometimes he makes mistakes, sometimes he falls, but all the time he feels that he is going his own way.
time he feels that he is going his own way. And perhaps this is precisely the secret of
And perhaps this is precisely the secret of happiness that Berne spoke of. Not in
happiness that Berne spoke of. Not in life being easy, but in life
life being easy, but in life being your own.
being your own. Late in the evening he wrote:
Late in the evening he wrote: "When a person chooses himself, he
"When a person chooses himself, he stops looking for permission to be
stops looking for permission to be happy."
He looked up from his notebook and quietly added:
added: "Then freedom becomes natural,
"Then freedom becomes natural, like breathing.
like breathing. But freedom is not the end of the road.
But freedom is not the end of the road. This is the beginning of new responsibilities, new
This is the beginning of new responsibilities, new encounters, a new way of building relationships
encounters, a new way of building relationships with the world. Now a person is free not
with the world. Now a person is free not only from other people’s scenarios,
only from other people’s scenarios, but also for something, for creativity, love,
but also for something, for creativity, love, creation.
creation. And here Byrne asked the most important
And here Byrne asked the most important question: what will you do with your
question: what will you do with your freedom?
freedom? Freedom is a wonderful thing. When she
Freedom is a wonderful thing. When she comes, it seems as if the whole world is
comes, it seems as if the whole world is open again. You can go anywhere,
open again. You can go anywhere, say anything, choose anything.
say anything, choose anything. But along with this comes a strange
But along with this comes a strange feeling, as if you don’t know where to start.
feeling, as if you don’t know where to start. Berne said: "Freedom is not a gift,
Berne said: "Freedom is not a gift, but a task. It begins not when
but a task. It begins not when you are released, but when you understand
you are released, but when you understand that now everything depends on you. He
that now everything depends on you. He recalled how one of his patients, a
recalled how one of his patients, a former military man, lived for many years by
former military man, lived for many years by strict orders: "Do, don't do,
strict orders: "Do, don't do, walk." But when his life changed, he
walk." But when his life changed, he felt confused. "Doctor, I'm
felt confused. "Doctor, I'm used to being told what to do.
used to being told what to do. Now I'm free and I don't understand how to
Now I'm free and I don't understand how to live."
live." Bern replied: "Try not to do, but
Bern replied: "Try not to do, but to choose." Choice is what makes
to choose." Choice is what makes a person truly free.
a person truly free. He said that life after leaving the
He said that life after leaving the games is like a blank sheet of paper. And
games is like a blank sheet of paper. And the first thing you want to do is fill it with
the first thing you want to do is fill it with familiar words. But if you wait
familiar words. But if you wait a little, if you don't rush to return to
a little, if you don't rush to return to old scenarios,
old scenarios, other lines begin to appear on the sheet, your own, living,
other lines begin to appear on the sheet, your own, living, real ones.
real ones. Once Bern offered his patients a
Once Bern offered his patients a simple exercise.
simple exercise. Imagine that you no longer need to
Imagine that you no longer need to play any of the old games, that you
play any of the old games, that you can live the way you feel.
can live the way you feel. What will you do tomorrow? The answers were
What will you do tomorrow? The answers were very different. I'll quit. I'll confess my
very different. I'll quit. I'll confess my love. I'll go to the sea. I'll just sleep.
love. I'll go to the sea. I'll just sleep. Bern smiled. You see, freedom is not in
Bern smiled. You see, freedom is not in doing great things, but in
doing great things, but in doing real things.
doing real things. Sometimes freedom is manifested in the
Sometimes freedom is manifested in the smallest actions. A man who
smallest actions. A man who was previously afraid to say no suddenly
was previously afraid to say no suddenly refuses an unnecessary project and goes for
refuses an unnecessary project and goes for a walk with his daughter. A woman who
a walk with his daughter. A woman who always tried to please buys herself a
always tried to please buys herself a dress simply Because he wants to, not
dress simply Because he wants to, not because he fits in. A teenager used
because he fits in. A teenager used to having to prove himself, for the first time calmly
to having to prove himself, for the first time calmly says, "I like it differently."
says, "I like it differently." Bern called these micromovements of the soul.
Bern called these micromovements of the soul. He said, "Every time you
He said, "Every time you choose yourself,
choose yourself, a little more truth appears in the world."
a little more truth appears in the world." But, of course, freedom isn't always easy.
But, of course, freedom isn't always easy. Sometimes it requires the courage to break
Sometimes it requires the courage to break old habits. Bern recalled a man
old habits. Bern recalled a man who, freed from the role
who, freed from the role of savior, allowed his son to cope with difficulties on his own for the first time
of savior, allowed his son to cope with difficulties on his own for the first time . "I felt
. "I felt terrible," he admitted. "I wanted to
terrible," he admitted. "I wanted to intervene, to prompt, to protect. What
intervene, to prompt, to protect. What did you do? "I held back. He was just
did you do? "I held back. He was just there. And what happened? He managed it himself and for
there. And what happened? He managed it himself and for the first time looked at me differently. not
the first time looked at me differently. not as a rescuer, but as a person.
as a rescuer, but as a person. Bern nodded. This is maturity. Be
Bern nodded. This is maturity. Be there, but don't control, love, but don't
there, but don't control, love, but don't own.
own. He often repeated: "Freedom is
He often repeated: "Freedom is the ability to choose not only your actions,
the ability to choose not only your actions, but also your relationships. You can't always
but also your relationships. You can't always choose your circumstances, but you can
choose your circumstances, but you can choose how you respond to them."
choose how you respond to them." Bernard told the story of a woman who
Bernard told the story of a woman who was caring for her sick mother. She was
was caring for her sick mother. She was exhausted, but she said, "I have to, otherwise I
exhausted, but she said, "I have to, otherwise I 'll be a bad daughter." Bern said softly,
'll be a bad daughter." Bern said softly, "Try saying, 'I want to be there
"Try saying, 'I want to be there because I love you. “Not must, but want.” The
because I love you. “Not must, but want.” The next week she came back completely
next week she came back completely different. I did everything the same, only
different. I did everything the same, only with a different feeling. And it became easier.
with a different feeling. And it became easier. Freedom, according to Berne, always begins
Freedom, according to Berne, always begins within a phrase. When instead of “must,” “
within a phrase. When instead of “must,” “ want” appears. When instead of “can’t,” “
want” appears. When instead of “can’t,” “ can,” if I choose, when instead of “everyone
can,” if I choose, when instead of “everyone does it,” and I feel differently.
does it,” and I feel differently. These are small shifts, but they change the whole
These are small shifts, but they change the whole meaning of life. Berne wrote that a free
meaning of life. Berne wrote that a free person stops asking the world:
person stops asking the world: “What should I do?”
“What should I do?” and begins to ask himself what is
and begins to ask himself what is truly alive for me now. He
truly alive for me now. He recalled a woman named Helin,
recalled a woman named Helin, who always felt
who always felt guilty if she rested. “I have to
guilty if she rested. “I have to be useful,” she said. Berne
be useful,” she said. Berne suggested that she do one thing.
suggested that she do one thing. Spend one day doing nothing,
Spend one day doing nothing, without feeling guilty. Just be. A
without feeling guilty. Just be. A week later she came back, confused and
week later she came back, confused and happy. I was looking out the window, baking a
happy. I was looking out the window, baking a pie, and suddenly I felt that I was
pie, and suddenly I felt that I was alive, not good, not right, just
alive, not good, not right, just me. Berne smiled.
me. Berne smiled. That’s what freedom does. It brings back a taste
That’s what freedom does. It brings back a taste for the simple things. But freedom is not
for the simple things. But freedom is not only pleasure.
only pleasure. Sometimes it requires responsibility for
Sometimes it requires responsibility for your feelings and choices. You can no longer
your feelings and choices. You can no longer say: "He made me angry" or
say: "He made me angry" or "They made me unhappy." Now I am
"They made me unhappy." Now I am angry, I am unhappy, I choose. And these
angry, I am unhappy, I choose. And these words already have power, because the one
words already have power, because the one who acknowledges how he feels can
who acknowledges how he feels can change his life. Berne wrote: "When
change his life. Berne wrote: "When a person accepts responsibility for
a person accepts responsibility for himself, he stops being a pawn in other people's
himself, he stops being a pawn in other people's games." And he added: "Freedom is
games." And he added: "Freedom is mature love for oneself, not egoism, but
mature love for oneself, not egoism, but respect for one's life."
respect for one's life." Sometimes his patients asked: "But if
Sometimes his patients asked: "But if I am free, where is the guarantee that I will not make
I am free, where is the guarantee that I will not make mistakes?" Berne answered: "Mistakes are part of
mistakes?" Berne answered: "Mistakes are part of freedom. Only the player is afraid of making a mistake. A
freedom. Only the player is afraid of making a mistake. A free man learns." He liked
free man learns." He liked to say: "To be wrong of one's own free will is
to say: "To be wrong of one's own free will is better than to be right according to someone else's
better than to be right according to someone else's scenario.
scenario. Freedom opens doors, but does not
Freedom opens doors, but does not show the way. Now you have to
show the way. Now you have to decide for yourself where to go. And this is where the
decide for yourself where to go. And this is where the fun begins.
fun begins. For the first time, man does not react to life, but
For the first time, man does not react to life, but creates it. He said that at this
creates it. He said that at this moment creativity awakens. It is not
moment creativity awakens. It is not necessary to draw or write.
necessary to draw or write. Creativity is in the way we speak,
Creativity is in the way we speak, choose, listen, and how we live our
choose, listen, and how we live our day. He wrote: "Freedom is not
day. He wrote: "Freedom is not emptiness, but the ability to create oneself
emptiness, but the ability to create oneself anew every morning."
anew every morning." He once told his student: "When
He once told his student: "When you're free, every day is like a blank
you're free, every day is like a blank canvas, and your brushes are your feelings, your
canvas, and your brushes are your feelings, your decisions, your words. Paint boldly,
decisions, your words. Paint boldly, make mistakes, change colors. The main thing is that
make mistakes, change colors. The main thing is that it's your painting." And in this
it's your painting." And in this simplicity there is hidden great wisdom,
simplicity there is hidden great wisdom, because freedom is not a noisy revolution, but a
because freedom is not a noisy revolution, but a quiet agreement to be who you are and
quiet agreement to be who you are and go your own way. Even if it doesn't look like anyone else's
go your own way. Even if it doesn't look like anyone else's . Late that evening, Berne
. Late that evening, Berne wrote: "Freedom without self-love
wrote: "Freedom without self-love becomes loneliness, but freedom
becomes loneliness, but freedom based on acceptance makes a person a
based on acceptance makes a person a creator."
creator." and closed the notebook and said quietly. Everything
and closed the notebook and said quietly. Everything else is just details.
else is just details. And so a new question arises, which
And so a new question arises, which inevitably comes to everyone who has
inevitably comes to everyone who has stopped playing and found inner
stopped playing and found inner freedom. How can we live now among those
freedom. How can we live now among those who still play? Is
who still play? Is it possible to remain yourself in a world where there are
it possible to remain yourself in a world where there are so many roles and scenarios? Is it possible
so many roles and scenarios? Is it possible to be free and still
to be free and still connect with others? Life doesn't get
connect with others? Life doesn't get quieter when you stop playing.
quieter when you stop playing. On the contrary, the noise of other parties is heard even louder around
On the contrary, the noise of other parties is heard even louder around . Some blame, some
. Some blame, some save, some demand, some take
save, some demand, some take offense. And here you are standing in the midst of all
offense. And here you are standing in the midst of all this, without your old mask, and suddenly
this, without your old mask, and suddenly you realize: “You see right through the game.”
you realize: “You see right through the game.” Berne called this the observer state.
Berne called this the observer state. He raged: "The one who stops playing
He raged: "The one who stops playing sees what others don't notice. But
sees what others don't notice. But his job is not to judge, but to understand."
his job is not to judge, but to understand." He once told the story of a woman
He once told the story of a woman named Mary. After therapy, she began to
named Mary. After therapy, she began to notice how colleagues played dano, how a
notice how colleagues played dano, how a friend sought pity, how her husband
friend sought pity, how her husband was constantly trying to be right. “Doctor,”
was constantly trying to be right. “Doctor,” she said, “now I see these games all the time, and it’s
she said, “now I see these games all the time, and it’s hard for me. Bern smiled. It's like
hard for me. Bern smiled. It's like leaving a movie and realizing that others are still
leaving a movie and realizing that others are still in the theater. Now your task is not to drag
in the theater. Now your task is not to drag them out, but to learn to live in the light. A
them out, but to learn to live in the light. A free man is not obliged to save. He
free man is not obliged to save. He just remains aware. He can
just remains aware. He can see the game, but not get involved in it.
see the game, but not get involved in it. For example, someone says: "You've ruined everything again
For example, someone says: "You've ruined everything again ." Before, you would have made excuses or
." Before, you would have made excuses or been offended, but now you just hear. This is
been offended, but now you just hear. This is an invitation to play the game "Look how
an invitation to play the game "Look how guilty you are," and you choose not to play. You
guilty you are," and you choose not to play. You may answer calmly, but let's
may answer calmly, but let's discuss what can be done now. That's it, the
discuss what can be done now. That's it, the game is collapsing. The partner is surprised, the scenario
game is collapsing. The partner is surprised, the scenario didn’t work, and you stand in the center,
didn’t work, and you stand in the center, calmly, with respect for yourself and for him.
calmly, with respect for yourself and for him. Berne said that a free man is
Berne said that a free man is like a musician who hears
like a musician who hears false notes, but does not get angry at those
false notes, but does not get angry at those who play out of tune. He just keeps
who play out of tune. He just keeps playing clean because he can't do otherwise
playing clean because he can't do otherwise . He recalled a man who,
. He recalled a man who, after several months of therapy, said,
after several months of therapy, said, "Doctor, I feel as if I've become
"Doctor, I feel as if I've become softer. People around me are arguing, and I don't want
softer. People around me are arguing, and I don't want to interfere. I just listen and don't get angry.
to interfere. I just listen and don't get angry. " Berne replied, "That's not softness, that's
" Berne replied, "That's not softness, that's strength. You no longer need to play
strength. You no longer need to play to prove you're alive." A free
to prove you're alive." A free person doesn't leave people, they stay,
person doesn't leave people, they stay, but now their relationships are built on
but now their relationships are built on honesty, not roles. Berne called
honesty, not roles. Berne called this a new type of contact, when you
this a new type of contact, when you see the other person as a whole, including
see the other person as a whole, including their weaknesses and games, and still
their weaknesses and games, and still choose to be there, but without participating in the
choose to be there, but without participating in the performance. He gave an example: A mother
performance. He gave an example: A mother calls her adult daughter and starts
calls her adult daughter and starts complaining: "Nobody needs me, even you
complaining: "Nobody needs me, even you don't call me." Previously, the daughter would
don't call me." Previously, the daughter would feel guilty and drop everything
feel guilty and drop everything to prove that she loves. Now she
to prove that she loves. Now she says calmly: "Mom, I love you, and
says calmly: "Mom, I love you, and I'm busy. "I'll call later." The mother might be
I'm busy. "I'll call later." The mother might be offended, but the "You don't love me" game
offended, but the "You don't love me" game won't happen. And over time, perhaps
won't happen. And over time, perhaps something new will emerge, a true
something new will emerge, a true intimacy where love doesn't need to be bought with
intimacy where love doesn't need to be bought with guilt.
guilt. Berne said: "A free person doesn't
Berne said: "A free person doesn't ruin other people's games; he simply
ruin other people's games; he simply stops participating in them." Sometimes
stops participating in them." Sometimes that's enough for everything around him to
that's enough for everything around him to start changing." He recalled a young
start changing." He recalled a young man who used to play
man who used to play "Kick Me" with his friends. He was always complaining,
"Kick Me" with his friends. He was always complaining, looking for confirmation that life was
looking for confirmation that life was unfair. After therapy, he began to
unfair. After therapy, he began to speak differently: "Yes, it's hard, but I
speak differently: "Yes, it's hard, but I can handle it." And suddenly he noticed his friends
can handle it." And suddenly he noticed his friends began to behave differently. Some
began to behave differently. Some stopped feeling sorry for him, some left, and
stopped feeling sorry for him, some left, and some stayed, and the relationships became
some stayed, and the relationships became genuine. Bern said: "When a person
genuine. Bern said: "When a person changes their role, their environment changes too
changes their role, their environment changes too . This is natural. Being
. This is natural. Being free among players means
free among players means remaining kind but clear. You
remaining kind but clear. You understand that people play not because they are
understand that people play not because they are bad, but because they are afraid to be
bad, but because they are afraid to be themselves, and instead of irritation,
themselves, and instead of irritation, compassion appears." Berne wrote:
compassion appears." Berne wrote: "A liberated person does not judge those
"A liberated person does not judge those who play. He remembers that he himself was in
who play. He remembers that he himself was in their place. Sometimes a free person
their place. Sometimes a free person becomes a mirror for others. No
becomes a mirror for others. No preaching, no advice, just my
preaching, no advice, just my state. He doesn't demand change, but when you're around
state. He doesn't demand change, but when you're around him, it becomes easier to change.
him, it becomes easier to change. Berne recounted a case where a woman,
Berne recounted a case where a woman, after a long period of therapy, said, "I
after a long period of therapy, said, "I don't try to please people anymore. And you know
don't try to please people anymore. And you know what's surprising? They're more interested in me now
what's surprising? They're more interested in me now ." Bern laughed: "Of course,
." Bern laughed: "Of course, when a person is real, you want
when a person is real, you want to be with them. The game is tiring. But authenticity is
to be with them. The game is tiring. But authenticity is invigorating.
invigorating. Sometimes, being free in the world of players is
Sometimes, being free in the world of players is simply the ability to stay balanced,
simply the ability to stay balanced, not to react automatically, not to take on
not to react automatically, not to take on other people's emotions, not to prove, not to
other people's emotions, not to prove, not to save. You see fear, resentment, fatigue behind the words
save. You see fear, resentment, fatigue behind the words and respond not to the role,
and respond not to the role, but to the person behind it. Ber called this
but to the person behind it. Ber called this contact through the mask. When you don’t
contact through the mask. When you don’t argue with the one who shouts, but speak
argue with the one who shouts, but speak quietly to the one who is afraid inside.
quietly to the one who is afraid inside. He once told a patient: “When you are
He once told a patient: “When you are scolded, don’t listen to the words, listen to the pain
scolded, don’t listen to the words, listen to the pain that is behind them.” He tried. After a
that is behind them.” He tried. After a while, he said: “I began to hear people
while, he said: “I began to hear people differently, even those I didn’t like.”
differently, even those I didn’t like.” Bern replied: “That’s maturity. You
Bern replied: “That’s maturity. You see the game, but you feel the person."
see the game, but you feel the person." Sometimes it's hard to be free in a world of players
Sometimes it's hard to be free in a world of players . Sometimes loneliness overwhelms you
. Sometimes loneliness overwhelms you because you want to meet someone
because you want to meet someone who doesn't play either. Berne understood this. He
who doesn't play either. Berne understood this. He wrote: "A free person first
wrote: "A free person first feels loneliness, then
feels loneliness, then peace, then quiet joy, and
peace, then quiet joy, and then finds those who have also chosen to be
then finds those who have also chosen to be alive." He compared it to a lighthouse. A lighthouse
alive." He compared it to a lighthouse. A lighthouse doesn't chase ships, it simply
doesn't chase ships, it simply shines, and those who seek the way see its
shines, and those who seek the way see its light. Late one evening, sitting in his
light. Late one evening, sitting in his office, Berne wrote: "When a person is
office, Berne wrote: "When a person is free, his presence becomes
free, his presence becomes a gift. He doesn't change measures, he just
a gift. He doesn't change measures, he just lives for real. and this changes everything
lives for real. and this changes everything around. He put his pen down and thought.
around. He put his pen down and thought. Perhaps this is what he wanted to convey,
Perhaps this is what he wanted to convey, that true strength does not come from struggle, but from
that true strength does not come from struggle, but from calm authenticity. But what
calm authenticity. But what happens when a free man
happens when a free man meets another free man? When two
meets another free man? When two living people, without masks, without games, without
living people, without masks, without games, without protection, meet each other's eyes and understand
protection, meet each other's eyes and understand that they can walk together, this is no longer just
that they can walk together, this is no longer just intimacy, it is a union. And Berne wrote about this
intimacy, it is a union. And Berne wrote about this with particular warmth. And what
with particular warmth. And what is born between two free souls
is born between two free souls when fear disappears and only
when fear disappears and only trust remains? Sometimes two people meet
trust remains? Sometimes two people meet not for the first time, but as if they are seeing each other for the first time
not for the first time, but as if they are seeing each other for the first time . Without armor, without words, without
. Without armor, without words, without fear of being ridiculous. They just
fear of being ridiculous. They just look and understand: here he is, a living
look and understand: here he is, a living person, and not someone else’s role.
person, and not someone else’s role. Byrne said: "True love
Byrne said: "True love begins where the game ends."
begins where the game ends." He talked about a couple who came to
He talked about a couple who came to him after a long period of work on themselves.
him after a long period of work on themselves. Their names were En and Michael. They had been through
Their names were En and Michael. They had been through all sorts of scenes: grievances, complaints,
all sorts of scenes: grievances, complaints, silence, tears, but now they sat in front of
silence, tears, but now they sat in front of Bern and held hands calmly, without
Bern and held hands calmly, without tension. "
tension. " We're not trying to fix each
We're not trying to fix each other anymore," Ann said. "We're trying
other anymore," Ann said. "We're trying to listen." Michael added: "Sometimes I see the
to listen." Michael added: "Sometimes I see the old parent in me kicking in, and
old parent in me kicking in, and I want to tell her what to do, but
I want to tell her what to do, but now I stop and ask
now I stop and ask myself, 'Is that me talking, or is it my fear?'
myself, 'Is that me talking, or is it my fear?' Burn smiled.
Burn smiled. "Now you're meeting each
"Now you're meeting each other, not your scripts."
other, not your scripts." He often repeated that in a healthy relationship,
He often repeated that in a healthy relationship, both people
both people return to their games from time to time, but they laugh
return to their games from time to time, but they laugh at them rather than drown in them. She might
at them rather than drown in them. She might say, "It looks like I'm playing the
say, "It looks like I'm playing the victim again." He: "And I turned on the lifeguard." And
victim again." He: "And I turned on the lifeguard." And they laugh. Laughter is a sign that freedom
they laugh. Laughter is a sign that freedom remains with them.
remains with them. Berne called this kind of love
Berne called this kind of love adult-adult contact, when both can be
adult-adult contact, when both can be themselves, but do not lose each other. When
themselves, but do not lose each other. When a parent cares internally but does not
a parent cares internally but does not control, the child feels but does not
control, the child feels but does not manage.
manage. And an adult builds a bridge between two
And an adult builds a bridge between two worlds. He wrote: "Mature love is
worlds. He wrote: "Mature love is when you are free to leave, but choose to
when you are free to leave, but choose to stay."
stay." One day, a man named Harry came to a session
One day, a man named Harry came to a session . He said, "Doctor, I love my wife,
. He said, "Doctor, I love my wife, but I feel cramped. I feel like I have to
but I feel cramped. I feel like I have to be with her all the time, otherwise she'll be
be with her all the time, otherwise she'll be offended."
offended." Berna asked, "What are you afraid of?
Berna asked, "What are you afraid of? That she'll think I'm leaving her?
That she'll think I'm leaving her? And if you tell her honestly, will she be
And if you tell her honestly, will she be offended? Maybe so, but otherwise you'll be
offended? Maybe so, but otherwise you'll be living in a prison of love. A
living in a prison of love. A week later, Harry returned.
week later, Harry returned. I told her, she cried at first, and then
I told her, she cried at first, and then said, "I'm also tired of pretending
said, "I'm also tired of pretending that I always want to be together.
that I always want to be together. Now we have a rest from each other, and it’s
Now we have a rest from each other, and it’s easier for us.”
easier for us.” Berne smiled.
Berne smiled. This is the union of two free people.
This is the union of two free people. He liked to say: “Love doesn’t glue
He liked to say: “Love doesn’t glue people together, it helps them walk
people together, it helps them walk side by side.”
side by side.” Two people in such a union don’t lose themselves, but
Two people in such a union don’t lose themselves, but complement each other. One may be quieter, the other
complement each other. One may be quieter, the other brighter, but between them there is space where
brighter, but between them there is space where everyone can breathe.
Berne observed how relationships change when games disappear. He described it this
when games disappear. He described it this way: “Before, masks met, now
way: “Before, masks met, now faces meet.” And these faces sometimes
faces meet.” And these faces sometimes cry, sometimes laugh, sometimes get angry.
cry, sometimes laugh, sometimes get angry. But it’s all honest.
But it’s all honest. Once Berne asked his students:
Once Berne asked his students: “How do you know that love between people is
“How do you know that love between people is alive, and not a game?”
alive, and not a game?” One answered: “When they don’t
One answered: “When they don’t blame anyone?”
blame anyone?” Another: “When are they allowed to be silent?
Another: “When are they allowed to be silent? The third is when they are not afraid to show
The third is when they are not afraid to show their weakness.
their weakness. Burn smiled.
Burn smiled. Everyone is right.
Everyone is right. Love is not the absence of conflict, but
Love is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to stay in touch
the ability to stay in touch during it.
during it. He gave the example of a woman who
He gave the example of a woman who had been afraid of quarrels all her life. She responded to every no with
had been afraid of quarrels all her life. She responded to every no with silence.
silence. When she began to understand the games, she decided
When she began to understand the games, she decided one day not to remain silent, but to say: “I’m angry,
one day not to remain silent, but to say: “I’m angry, but I still love you.”
but I still love you.” It was new and awkward, but her husband came up
It was new and awkward, but her husband came up and hugged her because for the first time in
and hugged her because for the first time in years he heard not a role, but a person.
years he heard not a role, but a person. Berne called this mutual growth,
Berne called this mutual growth, when each partner
when each partner gets to know themselves better through the other. Sometimes through joy,
gets to know themselves better through the other. Sometimes through joy, sometimes through pain, but always through
sometimes through pain, but always through awareness.
awareness. He laughed, saying that single couples
He laughed, saying that single couples sometimes argue until the morning, but not about who is
sometimes argue until the morning, but not about who is right, but about how to understand each other.
right, but about how to understand each other. This is no longer a game, it is a dance between two living
This is no longer a game, it is a dance between two living people.
Sometimes the love between such people is as quiet as the water in a morning lake. There are no storms, no
water in a morning lake. There are no storms, no flashes, but there is depth.
flashes, but there is depth. They can walk down the street, be silent, and still
They can walk down the street, be silent, and still know that everything is okay,
know that everything is okay, because in that silence there is no fear.
because in that silence there is no fear. Each one knows that the other one will not disappear,
Each one knows that the other one will not disappear, even if he or she steps away for a while.
even if he or she steps away for a while. Berne wrote:
Berne wrote: "The love of two free people is not a
"The love of two free people is not a coupling,
coupling, but a parallel movement.
but a parallel movement. They walk side by side, looking in the same direction.
Sometimes people who had already found such love came to him. He asked:
found such love came to him. He asked: "What are you afraid of now?" They answered:
"What are you afraid of now?" They answered: "To lose this feeling."
"To lose this feeling." Berne smiled. If it is real, it
Berne smiled. If it is real, it cannot be lost, because it is not
cannot be lost, because it is not between you, it is in you.
between you, it is in you. He believed that the meeting of two conscious
He believed that the meeting of two conscious people is the highest expression of
people is the highest expression of human nature. Not power, not
human nature. Not power, not success, not playing at being great or being a victim, but a
success, not playing at being great or being a victim, but a simple state: "I see you, you
simple state: "I see you, you see me, and we live."
Once at an evening seminar, Berne was asked: "How do you know that you have found
was asked: "How do you know that you have found your person?"
your person?" He answered: "When you remain yourself next to him
He answered: "When you remain yourself next to him , and when he remains
, and when he remains himself next to you, everything else is
himself next to you, everything else is secondary."
secondary." Late in the evening, writing down his
Late in the evening, writing down his observations, Berne wrote: "Two go
observations, Berne wrote: "Two go together not to become one, but
together not to become one, but to walk together."
to walk together." He looked up and smiled to himself. That's the
He looked up and smiled to himself. That's the miracle—to preserve yourself while
miracle—to preserve yourself while allowing another to be near.
allowing another to be near. But life doesn't stand still. Even
But life doesn't stand still. Even free people face trials,
free people face trials, old age, losses, new beginnings.
old age, losses, new beginnings. And the question arises differently: how to maintain
And the question arises differently: how to maintain your purpose, meaning, inspiration
your purpose, meaning, inspiration when the games are behind you, and the same old
when the games are behind you, and the same old life, only the honest
life, only the honest morning, lies ahead. The sun rises slowly, and
morning, lies ahead. The sun rises slowly, and the light falls softly on the windows. A person
the light falls softly on the windows. A person wakes up without the usual internal
wakes up without the usual internal noise, without the feeling of need, just
noise, without the feeling of need, just lies and breathes. Nothing special. But in
lies and breathes. Nothing special. But in this simplicity lies peace. This is what life looks like
this simplicity lies peace. This is what life looks like after games. Berne said: "When a person
after games. Berne said: "When a person stops playing, life does not become
stops playing, life does not become different. He simply begins to see it
different. He simply begins to see it clearly."
clearly." He often observed how people who had gone a
He often observed how people who had gone a long way towards awareness became quieter.
long way towards awareness became quieter. They did not run after ideals, did not prove they were
They did not run after ideals, did not prove they were right. They did not need loud words about
right. They did not need loud words about happiness. It became part of breathing. Berne
happiness. It became part of breathing. Berne wrote: "Happiness is not a state, but a
wrote: "Happiness is not a state, but a way of being." One day, a
way of being." One day, a woman with whom he had worked for several
woman with whom he had worked for several years came to him. She said: "You know, doctor, I
years came to him. She said: "You know, doctor, I thought that when I finished therapy,
thought that when I finished therapy, life would become brighter."
life would become brighter." And she became calmer. But now I see
And she became calmer. But now I see how beautiful every day is. Berne smiled.
how beautiful every day is. Berne smiled. That is the brightness, not external, but
That is the brightness, not external, but internal.
internal. Life after games is not a performance, but
Life after games is not a performance, but a walk. You walk, you look,
a walk. You walk, you look, you feel. The world ceases to be an arena of
you feel. The world ceases to be an arena of struggle and becomes a meeting place. You
struggle and becomes a meeting place. You can speak without proving, listen
can speak without proving, listen without defending yourself,
without defending yourself, love without losing yourself. And this is the depth.
love without losing yourself. And this is the depth. Berne noticed that even the gait of such people changes
Berne noticed that even the gait of such people changes . They walk a little slower,
. They walk a little slower, look straight ahead, smile more often, Not
look straight ahead, smile more often, Not because they want to please, but because
because they want to please, but because they simply feel good being with themselves.
they simply feel good being with themselves. Sometimes life after games seems
Sometimes life after games seems boring to some. There are no storms, no eternal salvations,
boring to some. There are no storms, no eternal salvations, no tragedies, but behind this boredom lies a
no tragedies, but behind this boredom lies a surprising fullness. It's like the silence in
surprising fullness. It's like the silence in the forest. It seems like nothing is happening,
the forest. It seems like nothing is happening, but in fact, everything is living, breathing,
but in fact, everything is living, breathing, growing. Berne wrote: "Where there are no games,
growing. Berne wrote: "Where there are no games, creativity begins." And indeed,
creativity begins." And indeed, people who stop playing start
people who stop playing start creating." Some start a business,
creating." Some start a business, some paint, some just
some paint, some just make their home more comfortable. Not because they
make their home more comfortable. Not because they have to, but because they want to share
have to, but because they want to share themselves with the world. He recalled a man
themselves with the world. He recalled a man who had lived his whole life according to the script: "Be the
who had lived his whole life according to the script: "Be the best." When he realized this and
best." When he realized this and let it go, the elder discovered that he
let it go, the elder discovered that he liked to grow a garden. Just a garden. Not
liked to grow a garden. Just a garden. Not for praise, not for meaning. He said to
for praise, not for meaning. He said to Bern: "I now understand that happiness
Bern: "I now understand that happiness smells like earth after rain." Bern nodded.
smells like earth after rain." Bern nodded. And before, you looked for it in applause.
And before, you looked for it in applause. The man smiled. Yes, now I have
The man smiled. Yes, now I have enough silence. Bern often repeated:
enough silence. Bern often repeated: "The main prize of life without games is not success, but
"The main prize of life without games is not success, but peace." Peace is not detachment, not coldness,
peace." Peace is not detachment, not coldness, but clarity, in which there is no need to fight
but clarity, in which there is no need to fight with oneself. Once at a lecture he
with oneself. Once at a lecture he was asked: "Doctor, how do you know that you are
was asked: "Doctor, how do you know that you are really living and not playing at
really living and not playing at life?" He answered: "If you no longer
life?" He answered: "If you no longer need "Pretending to be happy
need "Pretending to be happy means you're living." He loved to watch
means you're living." He loved to watch how people who stopped playing became
how people who stopped playing became softer towards the world. They don't look for enemies, don't
softer towards the world. They don't look for enemies, don't resent fate, they simply
resent fate, they simply accept it. When it rains, they rejoice
accept it. When it rains, they rejoice that they can listen to the drops. When it's sunny, they
that they can listen to the drops. When it's sunny, they thank you for the warmth.
thank you for the warmth. When there's pain, they don't hide, but live it
When there's pain, they don't hide, but live it honestly. And each time, through this honesty,
honestly. And each time, through this honesty, they return to themselves. Berne said:
they return to themselves. Berne said: "Freedom without love becomes pride,
"Freedom without love becomes pride, love without freedom becomes dependence, and
love without freedom becomes dependence, and together they become life." This is
together they become life." This is his formula for maturity: to love without losing
his formula for maturity: to love without losing yourself, to be yourself without distancing yourself from
yourself, to be yourself without distancing yourself from others. He told about an old
others. He told about an old patient who once said:
patient who once said: "Doctor, I used to think that the main thing is
"Doctor, I used to think that the main thing is to be strong. Now I understand that the
to be strong. Now I understand that the main thing is to be alive." Bern nodded quietly.
main thing is to be alive." Bern nodded quietly. The strong are afraid to fall. The living know they
The strong are afraid to fall. The living know they can get up. Life after games is not
can get up. Life after games is not hopelessness, but flexibility. When
hopelessness, but flexibility. When you fall, you don't blame, you learn. When
you fall, you don't blame, you learn. When you rejoice, you don't hide. When you lose, you don't
you rejoice, you don't hide. When you lose, you don't close your heart. And even pain ceases
close your heart. And even pain ceases to be an enemy. It becomes part of the
to be an enemy. It becomes part of the living breath, a reminder of what you
living breath, a reminder of what you feel. Sometimes Bern wrote
feel. Sometimes Bern wrote short phrases in his diary, like prayers. To be
short phrases in his diary, like prayers. To be human means to play less,
human means to play less, to feel more. Life is simple when
to feel more. Life is simple when you stop complicating it with scenarios.
you stop complicating it with scenarios. No game can replace a real
No game can replace a real perspective. He believed that a person who
perspective. He believed that a person who has lived this path from a blinded player
has lived this path from a blinded player to a free, feeling one becomes a
to a free, feeling one becomes a quiet source of warmth for others. He does not
quiet source of warmth for others. He does not teach, does not instruct, simply lives. And with
teach, does not instruct, simply lives. And with this, like a fire, he warms those who are
this, like a fire, he warms those who are still searching for themselves. Late in the evening, already
still searching for themselves. Late in the evening, already in old age, Bern sat by the fireplace in
in old age, Bern sat by the fireplace in his house and said to his friends: "People
his house and said to his friends: "People think happiness is a reward, but I
think happiness is a reward, but I think it's just a side effect
think it's just a side effect when you stop playing." The fire
when you stop playing." The fire crackled, snow fell outside, and in
crackled, snow fell outside, and in that silence, it seemed he was speaking not
that silence, it seemed he was speaking not just about psychology, but about life itself. And
just about psychology, but about life itself. And then he added, gazing into the flames: "We all
then he added, gazing into the flames: "We all wrote a play as children to survive,
wrote a play as children to survive, but one day comes the time to go on stage
but one day comes the time to go on stage without a script, and that's when the
without a script, and that's when the real thing begins." This is what life looks like after
real thing begins." This is what life looks like after playing. Not loud, not heroic, but
playing. Not loud, not heroic, but warm, clear, simple, where every day is
warm, clear, simple, where every day is n't a repeat, but a new touch to
n't a repeat, but a new touch to life. You're no longer an actor, you're a person. And
life. You're no longer an actor, you're a person. And this, in the words of Eric Berne, is the most
this, in the words of Eric Berne, is the most beautiful role of all. And
beautiful role of all. And now I want to ask you specifically. Which
now I want to ask you specifically. Which audiobook should I review next? Write in
audiobook should I review next? Write in the comments, and I'll make a video just
the comments, and I'll make a video just for you, viewers of the philosophy of success. If
for you, viewers of the philosophy of success. If you enjoyed this video, give it a
you enjoyed this video, give it a like to support the channel, and be
like to support the channel, and be sure to subscribe.
sure to subscribe. Dozens more inspiring stories await.
Dozens more inspiring stories await. See you in the next issue.
Click on any text or timestamp to jump to that moment in the video
Share:
Most transcripts ready in under 5 seconds
One-Click Copy125+ LanguagesSearch ContentJump to Timestamps
Paste YouTube URL
Enter any YouTube video link to get the full transcript
Transcript Extraction Form
Most transcripts ready in under 5 seconds
Get Our Chrome Extension
Get transcripts instantly without leaving YouTube. Install our Chrome extension for one-click access to any video's transcript directly on the watch page.
