The content explains the "abandonment schema," a deeply ingrained belief system formed in early life that leads individuals to fear rejection and loss, often resulting in self-sabotaging behaviors in relationships.
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Does one or more of these sentences sound familiar to you?
I worry too much that the people I love will eventually leave me or die
. Sometimes I stay away from people for fear that they will abandon me.
When there is a possibility of starting a new relationship, I prefer not to start at all
, thinking that it will leave me anyway.
Or, on the contrary, I may be too insistent.
I can stick. I'm terrified of being alone in the end, and secretly I think it's my destiny to be
alone in the end .
I am alone and have no one.
I am extremely jealous and possessive.
If you usually think or feel this way, you may also have an abandonment schema
. So what is this abandonment scheme and how can we deal with it?
Details are in this video.
[Music]
The concept of schema is a concept in cognitive psychology that we learn in the early years of life,
describing our rigid beliefs about ourselves,
others, and the world. Schemas can also be roughly
defined as windows that
determine how we see the outside world, OTHERS, and ourselves .
Through these windows we see the outside world, we see ourselves, we see and evaluate others, and these schemas that we have formed since childhood
affect our perceptions, thoughts, feelings and behaviors.
Some schemas that we develop with our experiences in childhood and our limited consciousness
can negatively affect our lives and cause us to experience some recurring problems in adulthood
. For example,
one of the schemas that can negatively affect life at work, such as
experiencing the same problem in every relationship or being repeatedly
exposed to similar problems,
is the abandonment schema. Individuals with this schema have a very basic belief that the
people they love will leave them and they will be alone
forever . The people they love will either leave them or die, or drive them away from
themselves , and the person will be alone in the end.
He thinks this is his inevitable destiny.
Schemas are so powerful that we consider them a fundamental criterion when perceiving the outside world,
and we place everything we perceive in the outside world as evidence against them.
In other words, if you have an abandonment scheme, you will watch the behavior of the other party from this
perspective and you will actually evaluate everything they do according to
this. In fact, even if the other party does not have such an intention, you have the slightest
doubt, see?
You can interpret it as leaving me, moving away from me.
This scheme gives you a sense of hopelessness about love.
Even though things seem to be going well, you secretly
believe
that this relationship will end eventually . Even if your relationship is a consistent one, it is
difficult to trust the other party and
believe that he will never leave you and will always be there for you.
For most people, brief breakups or arguments in their relationships don't affect them too much . Because they believe that the relationship
will continue after these arguments or these separations . However, for an individual with an abandonment schema, these, namely
the alienation of the other person from him, short separations or arguments are
like death . Therefore, sometimes individuals with this schema in romantic relationships
can become very attached to the other party in such situations and can be overwhelming.
Sometimes, individuals with this schema may prefer to avoid relationships in order to protect
themselves from abandonment and death because separation seems like death to them .
So how come we have this schema?
Oh Miss Ozlem ah! I was not like this.
Shame on those who made me this way!
Don't say. Because this schema is mostly in the first years of life.
It develops before it even learns to speak.
In some people, it may develop as a result of some losses and traumas experienced later.
Let's look at a few of the ways this schema has evolved.
For example, in one of these, in the first years of life, if the child has a parent who is
physically there but not there spiritually .
In other words, if the mother is present but does not exist, then she may feel abandoned and develop this schema
. For example, the mother may be depressed and unable to take care of her child.
The mother may be sick.
The mother may be forced to work hard, or the mother may preferentially put work
ahead of her child's needs.
In any case, if the child does not receive enough attention and care, he or she may
develop a feeling of abandonment from the mother in the first years of life and this schema
may appear in adulthood.
You don't necessarily have to have an unrelated mother or father or a caregiver to develop this schema
Sometimes the opposite parents lead to this schema.
What do I mean? I mean overprotective, caring parents.
Taking care of the child's every need for him.
Parents, who do not allow the child to experience difficulties in any way and
protect their children excessively , cause a belief in their children that they are not talented
enough to do their own work, that they are not strong enough
to take care of their own business, that is, they are not strong enough to exist alone in
this life .
Sometimes the inconsistent approach of the child's parents can cause this.
For example, a mother or father or caregiver is very interested in a day.
But other days are completely unrelated, so unstable, inconsistent relationships can somehow
lead to the development of this schema.
Sometimes, the frequently changing, caring figure can lead to this schema.
For example, the caregiver who changes frequently.
Especially in the first years of life, frequent changing caregivers or changing nursery
teachers may also cause a schema to be abandoned in the child
. People with extreme abandonment schemas may react to even the simplest of breakups
with the feelings of a young abandoned child.
In other words, even at the slightest separation, he is hopeless, alone, like
a little child abandoned by his parents .
If you feel like you have a void on the edge of such a cliff, this
scheme could be you too
. Most people with this schema may view any breakup signal as a sign of abandonment and overreact
even though there is actually no real threat of abandonment
. For example, why didn't he reply to my message?
Why hasn't he called all these hours?
He's definitely getting away from me, he's definitely leaving me.
He wanted to be alone.
So he may have thoughts like he doesn't love me anymore.
If you have this schema, you are drawn towards problematic relationships that are likely to leave you
Such relationships are very attractive to you.
For example, the other party may be married or a frequent business traveler or a workaholic
. For this reason, there may be a person who can not spend a lot of time with you, in fact, with whom you
cannot have a healthy relationship .
He may be an emotionally unstable person.
For example, one day he treats you well, the next he treats you badly.
It is as if one day he loves you very much.
But the next day it's like he never wanted you in his life.
Therefore, such unstable situations, unstable people are more attractive to you.
Your withdrawal towards these people who are likely to be abandoned is called
schema chemistry . So why do people with this schema prefer it?
Why do they even call it wish?
Why does schema chemistry work?
Schemas provide a framework for what should be like in a world full of uncertainties in our children's minds
Unconsciousness is bad, dangerous.
He doesn't know how to keep you alive in an environment of obscurity.
However, it is a familiar, familiar environment, even if it is bad in reality.
A familiar, familiar situation feels safe.
That's why I cling to the firm belief that I developed in my childhood mind
, even if it is maladaptive, even if it causes negativity in my life .
These beliefs we develop with our children's minds, even if they are faulty
about life, relationships, and ourselves , these beliefs we develop with our children's minds
become so solid after a while that they become so strong that after a while, you are who you are,
and giving up on it means giving up on yourself.
If you don't have that belief, you don't know what to do.
That's why you cling to this belief even if it hurts you as an adult.
While this belief is destructive, it is a familiar consciousness.
That's why it strangely makes you feel at home.
That's why almost everyone repeats these negative patterns they developed in their
childhood without realizing it throughout their lives.
For example, if you grew up with a belief that you are flawed, you
are almost drawn to people or environments that
will make you feel flawed . Have you grown up with the belief that you will be abandoned and you
are drawn to people who are more
likely to leave you . Even if there are no such people, if you treat them in such a way that after a while, you will bring the
relationship to that point.
In other words, you experience that feeling that you are familiar with from your childhood, over and over again.
Freud calls this the "repetition compulsion".
According to him, we constantly repeat our childhood pains.
For example, the child of an alcoholic father will marry an alcoholic in the future, or
a child who has been abused may become an abuser himself in the future.
Thus, an unstable love affair is both painful and familiar and secure
on the other .
Because this is what you know, familiar with, familiar to you from childhood.
This is emotion. That's why this scheme gets stronger the more it's triggered.
In other words, your schema starts to get stronger as you get together with people who will trigger this schema
. Well, there is such a thing as a good, beautiful, pleasant abandonment scheme, and let's say we have
this scheme , what should we do?
What's the solution? Sir, most of the time these schemas are actually schemas that need to be resolved with an expert
. Because the basic dynamics underlying them, your predisposition,
your past experiences, all these are issues that can be listened to and evaluated by an expert and
dealt with in a much healthier way in the presence of an expert.
So if you've noticed this, I suggest you work with an expert clinical psychologist.
He has received a lot of therapy training, especially schema therapy.
An experienced, expert clinical psychologist who can look at events holistically
will be helpful to you. So what can we do other than that?
Let me give you a few small suggestions again.
Sir, when our first step is to notice and face, to realize, when you watch this video
, maybe we may have noticed if we have such a scheme.
So it's nice to notice.
Noticing is actually the first step to change something.
Often not experiencing what we
believe to be
our destiny when our abandonment schema is triggered . In other words , we do our best to be alone and not to encounter the
deadly feelings of being alone .
So we run from this situation, we run from these feelings.
When we run away from these feelings, sometimes we do it by avoiding relationships, and sometimes
we live the relationship.
However, we cling too much so as not to lose the person in front of us.
In other words, we can show an overwhelming interest in the other party.
We can scrutinize the relationship.
So it might be a good idea to actually stop running from this thing and see
that the thing we're actually running from isn't so terrible after all.
So what is that thing I'm afraid of?
Being alone, realizing that being alone is not really a bad thing, that it is not the end of life
, and that it can even be a pleasant thing can make me feel better again
. For example, try to be alone.
Do fun things during these lonely times.
Try to enjoy the moment.
As you start to enjoy the moment and maybe get used to being alone,
you will experience that it is not such a terrible thing, and this
anxiety will begin to decrease a little more than before.
Sir, an awareness exercise that we can do to see the patterns related to the abandonment scheme in our lives is
a work that can be done with paper and pencil. In this study , make a list of people in
front of you with a pen and a pen and the people who have come into your life
or with whom you feel something in some way, or the people you are in a relationship with, and
take a look at these people.
Do these people have anything in common?
For example, are these people often inconsistent?
For example, are these people usually more likely to leave?
So what went wrong in your relationships in general?
In other words, what were the reasons for the end of your relationships in general?
Are there any common points between the relationships you have had, the problems you have experienced in relationships and the people you have chosen
?
Consider all these answers to these questions.
Write it down and realize that when we put something on paper
, it can be easier to see when we look at it from a bird's eye view.
Try to stay away from inconsistent spouses and inconsistent people who cannot connect.
I know they sound very appealing to you, they are appealing, but what really happens is schema chemistry
, a withdrawal where you live with people who are likely to leave you if your schema is triggered
Find a consistent mate and when you do, trust him.
Even if people with this schema find a consistent mate, they have a lot of difficulty
trusting and believing him . So when you have a consistent relationship, when you find
a consistent partner , try to trust him to believe.
Because this is one of the basic requirements for a healthy relationship.
Sir, prepare coping cards to be able to take them out of our purse and use in emergencies in order not
to cling to the other party, not to hurt them with our overly jealous and possessive attitudes,
and to manage ourselves .
So what can we write on these cards?
For this, I will read you a sample card, which also includes the book “Rediscover Life” by Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko
This book is also one of the resources I used while preparing this video.
Especially if this topic interests you and you can notice other schemas in your life.
I suggest if you want to be able to.
a beautiful book for example, a sample left to cope card to be.
when we wrote the author?
Right now I feel very devastated.
Because Richard is away from me and I'm starting
to feel angry and myself in need. However, it's the schemes and the scheme to my left
just retreat I know you're triggered by the slightest bit of evidence. I
have to remember that people in good relationships pull back and that withdrawal
is part of the natural rhythm of good relationships.
If you act angry and clinging, I'll push Richard further away.
Richard has the right to walk away from time to time .
I have to do, look at the relationship in terms of our long-term perspective Abilene I have to
work with my thoughts.
My feelings are not real.
He can endure the pain of my feelings.
Looking at the big picture, Richard and I are still connected and we have a good relationship.
This is just a short break.
The best help I can do to myself is to turn my attention to my own life and ways of
improving myself . The better I am alone, the better I will be in a relationship
. Yes, I told you so.
First of all, you have to learn to spend time alone.
The healthier the better time I have alone , the better the quality of this relationship
when I have a relationship.
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