Tantrums in young children are not acts of manipulation or defiance, but rather biological responses stemming from an underdeveloped brain and overwhelmed nervous system, requiring co-regulation from caregivers rather than traditional discipline.
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Imagine it's 5:00 p.m. You've had a long
day. You're exhausted. And you finally
sit down for a moment of peace. You hand
your toddler a banana, but it breaks in
half. Suddenly, the world ends. The
screaming starts, the arching back, the
inconsolable tears. In that moment, it
feels like they are manipulating you,
being spoiled, or just being difficult
for the sake of it. But what if I told
you that biologically your child is
physically incapable of being bad in
that moment? Most tantrums aren't
actually about misbehavior. They are a
cry for help in a language your child
hasn't learned to speak yet. Before we
dive into the deep science behind this,
hit that like button and subscribe to
join our parenting community. When a
child screams because they got the blue
cup instead of the red one, it looks
like a power struggle to the adult eye.
It looks dramatic, disruptive, and
frankly irrational. However, there is a
massive gap between how we perceive the
event and what the child is actually
experiencing. If we look under the hood
of the developing brain, we see a
completely different story. What we
perceive as defiance is actually a state
of total internal disorganization.
We see a bratty behavior. The brain is
actually screaming that it has
encountered a neurological emergency.
The child isn't trying to give you a
hard time. They are having a hard time.
To understand why this happens, we have
to look at the architecture of the human
brain. Think of the brain as a two-story
house. The upstairs brain or the
preffrontal cortex is the library. It's
where logic, empathy, planning, and
impulse control live. This is the part
of the brain we want our children to
use. Then there is the downstairs brain,
the lyic system and the brain stem. This
is the cellar where our fight, flight,
or freeze response lives. It's
responsible for survival and strong
emotions. In a young child, the stairs
connecting these two floors haven't been
built yet. Brain development is a slow
process that isn't fully complete until
the mid20s. When a child is overwhelmed
by a broken banana or a lost toy, they
flip their lid. This means the upstairs
brain goes completely offline. The
stairs are gone. You cannot reason with
a child whose upstairs brain is
disconnected. Asking a screaming
toddler, "Why did you do that?" or don't
you see I'm tired is like asking a
person underwater to explain a complex
math problem. They literally do not have
access to the parts of the brain
required to process your logic. As
parents, our first instinct is to use
logic, shame, or authority to regain
control. We say it's just a banana or
stop crying right now or no dessert. But
here is the scientific catch. When we
meet their emotional chaos with our own
anger, loud voice, or cold logic, their
amygdala, the brain smoke detector,
senses a threat. Because the child is
already in a state of downstairs brain
arousal, our frustration acts as fuel.
This triggers what psychologists call a
stress response loop. They feel
disconnected from their safe person,
you, which makes them feel even less
safe, causing the nervous system to ramp
up. The tantrum grows louder because the
body is flooded with cortisol and
adrenaline. They aren't fighting you
because they want to win. They're
fighting because their nervous system
thinks it's fighting for survival in an
internal storm.
Beyond just brain structure, we must
consider sensory processing. Young
children lack sensory filters. To an
adult, a crowded grocery store is just a
chore. To a toddler, the bright
fluorescent lights, the humming
refrigerators, the towering shelves, and
the rustling bags are a sensory
bombardment. Often, a tantrum at the
checkout line isn't about the candy bar
you said no to. The candy bar was simply
the final drop of water that caused the
bucket to overflow. Their nervous system
was already at 99% capacity. When we
understand that the behavior is a result
of a biological system crash, our
empathy naturally replaces our irritation.
irritation.
So, how do we handle this without losing
our minds? We move from discipline to
co-regulation with the three-step
co-regulation strategy. Step one, check
your own matter. You cannot be the
anchor in their storm if you are caught
in the waves. Before you speak, take one
deep, conscious breath. Your nervous
system is scanning yours to see if the
environment is safe. Your calm is
contagious, but so is your chaos. If you
are screaming, "Calm down!" you are
sending a double message that confuses
their brain. Step two, validate the
emotion, not the action. You don't have
to agree with the reason for the tantrum
to acknowledge the feeling of the
moment. You're not giving in to the
demand for the red cup. You're
acknowledging the frustration of the
moment. Try saying, "You really wanted
the whole banana. You're feeling so sad
that it broke." This signals to their
amygdala, "I am seen. I am safe. I don't
have to fight anymore." Step three, the
quiet presence. Sometimes words are too
much for a flipped lid. Just sit near
them. This is what psychologists call
holding space. you are proving that
their big emotions aren't too much for
you to handle. This presence is what
eventually builds the stairs between
their downstairs and upstairs brain.
When we handle tantrums this way, we are
playing the long game. We're not just
looking for immediate silence. We're
teaching emotional intelligence. Every
time you stay calm and present during
their meltdown, you are literally
helping wire their brain to handle
stress better in adulthood. You are
teaching them that emotions aren't scary
or bad. They're just information. By not
punishing the emotion, you teach them to
trust their own internal experience. A
calm presence won't stop a tantrum
instantly, and that's okay. The goal
isn't to stop the tantrum. It's to
support the child through it. This tells
the child, "You're not alone while this
passes." That message of secure
attachment builds more resilience and
self-regulation than any timeout or
punishment ever could. Parenting isn't
about being perfect. It's about being
present. It's about recognizing that
underneath the screaming and the kicking
is a tiny human whose brain is still
under construction. Tomorrow, when the
blue cup crisis happens, take a breath
and remember they aren't being a
problem. They're having a problem. You
are their biological anchor. I'd love to
hear from you. What is the most random
or tiny thing that has triggered a
massive meltdown in your house lately?
Was it the way a sandwich was cut or a
sock that felt too tight? Share your
situations in the comments below. Let's
realize we're not alone and support each
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