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A Deadly Assumption People Make About Narcissist’s! | The Wizard of Radical Self-Respect | YouTubeToText
YouTube Transcript: A Deadly Assumption People Make About Narcissist’s!
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foreign [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
so the other thing you made me think of
is This I know I was guilty of thinking
of it and what you would consider the
traditional psychology way where all
these problematic people narcissistic
people character disordered people they
must be doing what they do because deep
down they have an insecurity and deep
down they're in denial that can be true
right that can be true yes the deadly
assumption is that it's always true
that's the deadly assumption
yeah and by the way more often than not
yeah and by the way
if you're loving in the calling out of
the maladaptive Behavior
and if you're proposing something better
and that's something better will fix things
things
so what
a person will have to face their demons
and they'll have to work them through
and you can help them with that right
but you don't have to devote one
minute's attention to the underpinnings
the underpinnings of the disturbance
it doesn't deserve even it it maybe
deserves some understanding on your part
some empathy if there are deep roots to
it you know maybe an abusive childhood
experience etc etc
it maybe warrants your understanding
it has no real place in the turnaround
it's somebody owns somebody else's own
internal business and you can help them
with that and they will have to reckon
with it if you focus on the behavior right
right
I think as you would call a lot of
neurotic people I think it gives them a
sense of ease when they think oh okay
they must just be like me full of
exactly and it makes them feel better to
say oh they must be covering up an
insecurity they must have really low
self-esteem and it helps them to see the
character disordered person or
narcissistic person in a different kind
of light and it gives them hope that
with enough love or with enough
attention or enough understanding things
will get better and there's the problem
there's the problem right there how's
that working for you you've been you've
been doing that for 20 years right and
the therapist has been doing the same
thing how's that working right and I was
reading a book from a therapist just
yesterday where that's exactly what she
was proposing to oh just be very
understanding right and like that'll get
them to see the light if you're just
understanding enough you don't get
sucked into their Madness it'll all come
to it'll all be okay yeah and I was like
nah Dr Simon wouldn't like that yeah and
the way you also described it though too
it made me think that a lot of the
character disordered people it's almost
like they've manipulated a lot of the
therapists out there
to get them to think oh yeah we're just
covering up an insecurity and it helps
them to kind of pull the wool over their
eyes a little bit sometimes right now
yeah you know these dynamics that have
to do let's just take the dynamic of
self-esteem and narcissism the Dynamics
can work either way
for example I might develop a a
braggadocious kind of self-presentation
a Bravado as a compensation for
underlying feelings of insecurity that
can happen but it can work the other way
too I also could have so chronically
overestimated my worth because I was so
overly praised and so overly indulged
and spoiled rotten as a child that I
developed no legitimate self-respect at
all it can work that way too but both of
those things are irrelevant to the issue
of what has to change
and what has to change is the behavior
and when it starts to change then the
person has to work on what's been
underneath it because all of a sudden
their usual way of coping has been
stymied and now they have to figure out
what am I going to do to solve this
problem whatever its Origins whether I
was overly pampered and indulged and
spoiled rotten or I didn't get enough
attention or
affirmation or whatever the case may be
what am I going to do now to
to
properly satisfy these needs and desires
and that's where all the magic happens
therapists do the same thing
relationship Partners do by and large
they waste time and energy trying to get
people to see and understand what they
probably already see and understand
better than you do right
right
and I know you had a good example in
your book character disturbance about a
teenage kid that went into a facility
and almost instantly he had a list a
laundry list of all these things true
taken out but yes right and one of the
head uh clinicians there I was like oh
he must be covering up some sort of
insecurity that he has to do all this
and it's like well no that's kind of
leading you down the wrong path but I
like the way you say it the behaviors
focus on the behaviors it doesn't matter
if they're covering up an insecurity or
they really just do have that much of a
entitled sense of self it doesn't matter
and when I say that it doesn't matter
I'm not saying that the two aren't
connected what I'm saying is that's the
individual's work
and they will actually do the work
they will actually do the work for example
example
if if a young child really is determined
really is determined to have that piece
of candy first try is pitching a fit
Stomps their feet screams and the parent
just lovingly says
ain't happening this way
just not happening right
eventually they might modify their approach
approach
to the point
where they can get some reinforcement
and that's how we learn
not this way but that okay
okay
okay that's a good example they work it out
out
they're not stupid
they're not stupid it's the and it's
theirs to work out and in that process
they're gaining so much more of the
right kind of awareness
don't do their work for them
don't lay it all out for them
and and don't do the detective work and
try to tell them that this is why you
are the way you are right
what's the point what is the point I
think many times it's for the
therapist's own edification
same thing as you were mentioning
earlier for the relationship partners
for their own edification it helps
quiet down all the disquiet they feel
dealing with this person that hasn't
grown up right
yeah I think yeah it is for their
benefit it is for the person dealing
with them's benefit to see it that way
and I liked what you also said yet
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