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Have you experienced narcissistic ‘kindness"?

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What do you do about the narcissistic

person who might do something nice but

isn't nice? Let's take a look at another

twist to the trauma bond.

I'm going to set this up with some examples.

examples.

A narcissistic person is in your life.

The narcissistic person does something

that you have needed done for a long

time. They moved a piece of furniture.

They fixed the car. They've finally

given you a document you need. but

they're a jerk about it. The thing gets done

done

and you asked them to do it for a while

and then like I said, one day you look

up, it gets done.

Another example is the narcissistic

person does what looks like the right

thing on paper. For example,

they will always pick up out of town

guests from the airport. They're willing

to go. Won't make them take a taxi or

anything. Or they will always make sure

that they get the thank you card out

exactly on time or remember to send the

birthday gifts or wedding gifts, or

they'll even wake up at 3:00 a.m. to

take you to the airport.

Or the narcissistic person has routines,

pretty rigidly set routines that mean

that things do get done.

They keep the cars maintained. They walk

the dog like clockwork. They always get

the financial documents like the taxes

dealt with. Another example, the

narcissistic person is able to conduct themselves

themselves

sort of culturally right and with good

manners with family members or business

associates or clients. They do

everything right. They learn all the

nuances and they do it in a way that

makes everyone look good.

Or it is a special occasion. I don't

know, an anniversary, a birthday,

holiday, other celebratory day, and they

get it just right. The gift is wrapped

just right, the reservation at the right

place, the bottle of champagne, I don't

know, in the hotel room, the gift you want.

want.

So, that's the behavior that happens.

Good, right? They do the thing. They may

even do the thing really well, but

but

they are not nice about it. You're

think, "What do you mean? What do you

mean they're not nice about it? I mean

that they may do these things that I

listed and they're cold about it.

They're dismissive.

They may ultimately hold these things

against you, that they did them, and

then hold them against you. They may do

these things, for example, always get

those family members from the airport,

but then they aren't very nice to them.

Or they may do something that is not

what needs to be done right now.

For example, they will paint the

bathroom on the day the fridge broke and

that needs to be the focus and will tell

you that you're being ungrateful for not

appreciating their bathroom painting.

And meanwhile, you got $400 worth of

groceries spoiling on the counter.

They will complain the entire time they

do the thing to the point that you

think, "Oh, damn. I think living with

those delivery boxes in the front of the

house would have actually been easier

than getting them to move them.

But when we get down to it,

whether they are nice or not nice about

the helpful or maybe useful thing they

did, they did do something that is

helpful to you.

This concept of intention

gets really tricky here because you may

be wondering,

did they do that thing to be nice? Are

they nice?

Did they do it because it works for

them? Why did they do it? And you're

spinning around in a million directions wondering,

wondering,

but ultimately

you're like, well, the thing they did

was useful. It wasn't nice. It might

have even been special. And if you are

not accustomed to getting help or support

support

because of being in this relationship,

them doing something, especially if it

is something you cannot do alone, like

moving a heavy piece of furniture or

getting a particular document taken care

of or signed.

We may find ourselves becoming overly grateful

grateful

both voluntarily and involuntarily fawny

and even more trauma bonded.

It really messes with our heads when

they do these helpful nice things

because one thing we talk about

is that behavior is what matters above

all else.

For example, we often talk about how

narcissistic people can have

performative empathy. They can seem

empathic in front of other people.

So, we focus on behavior as where the

rubber meets the road.

But when the behavior is useful,

helpful, what we needed, maybe even

special, then isn't that what matters?

Okay, so they were mean about that

airport pickup for my sister. Or maybe

they were really snarling and ra about

having to move the piece of furniture.

Or they made some really nasty digs to

you about how you are a gold digger or

selfish when they gave you the gift that

you had hoped for. They did the nice thing.

thing.

So does it matter if they aren't nice?

Some of you may even have thought, can I

really expect everything?

That kind of thinking is what has messed

with people's heads throughout these relationships.

relationships.

Many people will say,

"I really was getting my head around

this narcissism thing. I was getting it.

I could see how these patterns were

showing up and the toll it was taking,

but it didn't seem to fit my

relationship because even though they're

always saying grumpy and sometimes

downright mean things to me and they

gaslight me and they do treat me with a

lot of contempt,

they do do what needs to be done. They

run the errands. They plow the driveway.

They cut the grass. They make the

dinner. They get the groceries. They

balance the books.

So folks in these situations will say,

"But Dr. Romney, the behavior is sort of right

right

even though it isn't right.

They do the thing and they're mean about

it. So you don't know what to do with it."

it."

This gets even heavier

when it involves betrayal.

The heavier stuff that can happen,

whether that is habitual lying,

cheating, breaking your confidences,

breaking promises

because you may get lost in betrayed me

and you're really angry

and then they say, "Let me take the kids

for a whole day so you can make a

deadline." and then they even make

dinner and put the kids to bed. Or maybe

they lie to you about something

and then there's a lovely dinner or

weekend away.

Or they don't follow through on

something important that they said they would

would

and they get mad at you and you are mad,

but then two weeks later they do that

thing and they do it well.

Is that enough? Too late?

These things are what take what feels

like it should be black and white in

these narcissistic relationships and

make it very muddy and gray.

The other challenge is that people

aren't even sure how they should respond

in these circumstances. People will say

when they do the thing I hoped for or

that was just a nice thing to do or even

sort of special. I find myself almost

like being effusive and overly thankful.

Oh my gosh, thank you. This is amazing.

Thank you. Thank you. Because if I don't

thank them enough,

then I'm judged to be ungrateful.

But if I ask them something or ask for

too much, then I'm demanding.

So when they do the thing, when it

happens, I'm sometimes so relieved, I

respond in this excessive, overly

grateful way, but I kind of have to.

So you have to remember a key tenant in

these relationships

is, and you know the answer, you can't win.

win.

So if a person does useful or nice

things but is still manipulative, mean, invalidating,

invalidating, dismissive,

dismissive,

can it still be narcissism? Yes. The

manipulation, the meanness, the

invalidation are all consistent with low

empathy. And there's an entitlement to

this idea of I can treat you how I want

and you have nothing to say about it.

And the manipulation

can come from the idea that hey I do all

the things that need to be done. What

more do you want?

Or basically people feel silenced

in relationships that work this way

because I guess things are getting done.

This is even more challenging if the

thing that they are doing feels like a

nicer special thing. They remember to

get your favorite muffin. They cook

something you enjoy when you're had a

tough day. They make a reservation at a

restaurant you like. But in this case,

they behave terribly at dinner or they

grumble about making the dinner. They

give you a gift you cherish.

Each of these gifts, though, can start

to feel like a poisoned cup after a while.

while.

There is a unique trauma bond amplifier

here. You are stuck between the

intermittent reinforcement, if you want

to call it that, the inconsistent

rewards, between them being sullen or

angry or mean or dismissive, and then

also getting things done or even doing

nice things for you.

You may feel that you are asking too

much for there to be no anger or no

dismissiveness or no sulleness or that

you're asking too much if you ask to be

respected or not be gaslighted.

If at the same time things are getting

done or that nice things show up from

time to time,

what's the middle ground?

What do you do?

I'm going to give you an unsatisfying answer,

answer,

but the answer is it depends.

It depends on your tolerances and that

more than one thing can be true at the

same time. Yes. Yes, they do things that

need to get done or ultimately do the

thing that needed to be done despite

fighting you on it for weeks until you

are exhausted. And yes, they do special

things from time to time. And

they are manipulative, cold, distant,

passive aggressive, active aggressive,

gaslighty, angry, contemptuous,

or even betraying.

And and and not.

not. And

And

don't ask yourself the question, is it

enough? is a cut lawn and a plowed

driveway and a fixed washing machine and

a lobster dinner. Are these things

enough to offset the emotional abuse

that goes along with them? Folks, that's

Really, what you should be asking

yourself is,

can I clearly see what this is? Can I

recognize that emotional abuse is not okay?

okay?

and painting the bathroom is not an

offset to calling me stupid about the

refrigerator. And can I see that I am

not in the wrong for recognizing

that some some if not many of the things

that they're doing in this relationship

are not okay. And I'm telling you

recognizing that doesn't mean you have

to get up and go or leave. But it does

mean that you can recognize that you

don't deserve that. A new sofa doesn't

buy someone six months of having

contempt for you. It's not a trade.

And the confusion that comes

when someone does a nice thing for you

in a contemptuous way, someone sort of

tossing a gift at you. here. You said

you wanted this and you open it and yes,

you wanted it.

But to have it thrown at you,

does that make the gift less?

Yeah, it does. Process matters.

This confusion of they do nice things

but they do it in a mean way can not

only keep people stuck in an ambivalent

and confused space

but it can also leave people feeling as

though they're the problem in the

relationship that you are the problem in

the relationship at a minimum.

At a minimum, it is crucial to break out

of that. Having a gift thrown at you, a

person saying, "So, are you happy now? I

took you to dinner and I got you the

most expensive damn thing on the menu."

Or, "Stop complaining. The stupid

driveway is done." Or tossing a file

folder on your desk and saying, "Okay,

so why am I off the hook now?"

It's easy to see why survivors often

want to do things themselves or try to

do everything themselves because there

is a point at which the thing getting

done starts to make us feel sick. Gifts

feel icky and we live in perpetual guilt.

guilt.

Trauma bonds heal

when we can tease this apart.

Behavior is layered.

It's not as simple as the task or chore

or even the special thing.

The intention, the behavior around it,

the words and safety, they're all part

of it, too.

Something getting done

doesn't entitle someone

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YouTube Transcript:
Have you experienced narcissistic ‘kindness"?