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the week before i left my family and

florida and the rest of my minor life to

go to boarding school in alabama

my mother insisted on throwing me a

going away party

to say that i had low expectations would

be to underestimate the matter dramatically

dramatically

although i was more or less forced to

invite all my school

friends i.e the ragtag bunch of drama

people and english

geeks i sat with by social necessity in

the cavernous cafeteria of my public school

school

i knew they wouldn't come still my

mother persevered

awash in the delusion that i had kept my

popularity secret from her all these years

years

she cooked a small mountain of artichoke

dip she festooned our living room in

green and yellow streamers the colors of

my new school

she bought two dozen champagne poppers

and placed them around the edge of our

coffee table

and when that final friday came when my

packing was mostly done

she sat with my dad and me on the living

room couch at 4

56 p.m and patiently awaited the arrival

of the

goodbye to miles cavalry said cavalry

consisted of exactly two people

marie lawson a tiny blonde with

rectangular glasses

and her chunky to put it charitably

boyfriend will

hey miles marie said as she sat down

hey i said how was your summer

will asked okay yours

good we did jesus christ superstar i

helped with the sets

marie did lights said will that's cool

i nodded knowingly and that about

exhausted our conversational topics i

might have asked a question about jesus

christ superstar except that

one i didn't know what it was and two i

didn't care to learn and

three i never really excelled at small talk

talk

my mom however can talk small for hours

and so she extended the awkwardness by

asking them about their rehearsal

schedule and how the show had gone and

whether it was a success

i guess it was marie said a lot of

people came i guess

marie was the sort of person to guess a lot

lot

finally will said well we just dropped

by to say goodbye

i've got to get marie home by six have

fun at boarding school miles

thanks i answered relieved the only

thing worse than having a party that

no one attends is having a party

attended only by two

vastly deeply uninteresting people

they left and so i sat with my parents

and stared at the blank tv

and wanted to turn it on but knew i

shouldn't i could feel them both

looking at me waiting for me to burst

into tears or something

as if i hadn't known all along that it

would go precisely like this

but i had known i could feel their pity

as they scooped artichoke dip with chips

intended for my imaginary friends

but they needed pity more than i did i

wasn't disappointed

my expectations had been met

is this why you want to leave miles mom asked

asked

i molded over for a moment careful not

to look at her

uh no i said well then why

she asked this was not the first time

she had posed the question

mom was not particularly keen on letting

me go to boarding school and had made no

secret of it

because of me my dad asked he had

attended culver creek

the same boarding school to which i was

headed as had both of his brothers and

all of their kids

i think he liked the idea of me

following in his footsteps

my uncles had told me stories about how

famous my dad had been on campus

for having simultaneously raised hell

and aced all his classes

that sounded like a better life than the

one i had in florida

but no it wasn't because of dad not exactly

exactly

hold on i said i went into dad's study

and found his biography of francois rabelais

rabelais

i liked reading biographies of writers

even if as was the case with monsieur rabbi

rabbi

i'd never read any of their actual

writing i flipped to the back

and found the highlighted quote never

use a highlighter in my

books my dad had told me a thousand

times but how else are you supposed to

find what you're looking for

so this guy i said standing in the

doorway of the living room francois rabale

rabale

he was this poet and his last words were

i go to seek a great perhaps

that's why i'm going so i don't have to

wait until i die

to start seeking a great perhaps and

that quieted them i was

after a great perhaps and they knew as

well as i did that i wasn't going to

find it with the likes of will and marie

i sat back down on the couch between my

mom and my dad and my dad put his arm

around me

and we stayed there like that quiet on

the couch together for a long time

until it seemed okay to turn on the tv

and then we ate artichoke dip for dinner

and watched the history channel and as

going away parties go

florida was plenty hot certainly and

humid too

hot enough that your clothes stuck to

you like scotch tape and sweat

dripped like tears from your forehead

into your eyes but it was only hot

outside and generally i only went

outside to walk from one air-conditioned

location to another

this did not prepare me for the unique

sort of heat that one encounters 15

miles south of birmingham alabama

at culver creek preparatory school my

parents suv was parked in the grass just

a few feet outside my dorm room

room 43 but each time i took those few steps

steps

to and from the car to unload what now

seemed like far too much stuff

the sun burned through my clothes and

into my skin with a vicious ferocity

that made me genuinely fear hellfire

between mom and dad and me it only took

a few minutes to unload the car

but my unair-conditioned dorm room

although blessedly out of the sunshine

was only modestly cooler the room

surprised me

i'd pictured plush carpet wood paneled walls

walls

victorian furniture aside from one luxury

luxury

a private bathroom i got a box with

cinder block walls coated

thick with layers of white paint and a

green and white

checkered linoleum floor the place

looked more like a hospital than the

dorm room of my fantasies

a bunk bed of unfinished wood with vinyl mattresses

mattresses

was pushed against the room's back

window the desks and dressers and

bookshelves were all attached to the walls

walls

in order to prevent creative floor planning

planning

and no air conditioning

i sat on the lower bunk while mom opened

the trunk grabbed a stack of the

biographies my dad had agreed to part with

with

and placed them on the bookshelves i can

unpack mom

i said my dad stood he was ready to go

let me at least make your bed mom said no

no

really i can do it it's okay because you simply

simply

cannot draw these things out forever at

some point you just

pull off the band-aid and it hurts but

then it's over and you're relieved

god will miss you mom said suddenly

stepping through the minefield of

suitcases to get to the bed

i stood and hugged her my dad walked

over too

and we formed a sort of huddle it was

too hot

and we were too sweaty for the hug to

last terribly long

i knew i ought to cry but i'd lived with

my parents for 16 years and a trial

separation seemed overdue

don't worry i smiled eyes are going to

learn how to talk rat southern

mom laughed don't do anything

stupid my dad said okay

no drugs no drinking no cigarettes

as an alumnus of culver creek he had

done the things i had only heard about

the secret parties streaking through hay fields

fields

he always whined about how it was all

boys back then drugs

drinking and cigarettes it had taken him

a while to kick smoking

but his bad ass days were now well

behind him

i love you they both blurted out simultaneously

simultaneously

it needed to be said but the words made

the whole thing horribly uncomfortable

like watching your grandparents kiss

i love you too i'll call every sunday

our rooms had no phone lines but my

parents had requested i'd be placed in a

room near one of culver creek's five pay phones

phones

they hugged me again mom then dad and it

was over

out the back window i watched them drive

the winding road off campus

i should have felt a gooey sentimental

sadness perhaps but mostly i just wanted

to cool

off so i grabbed one of the desk chairs

and sat down outside my door in the

shade of the overhanging eaves

waiting for a breeze that never arrived

the air outside

sat as still and oppressive as the air inside

inside

i stared out over my new digs six

one-story buildings each with 16 dorm

rooms were arranged in a hexagram

around a large circle of grass it looked

like an

oversized old motel everywhere boys and

girls hugged and smiled and walked together

together

i vaguely hoped that someone would come

up and talk to me

i imagined the conversation hey is this

your first year

yeah yeah i'm from florida that's cool

so you're used to the heat

i wouldn't be used to this heat if i

were from hades a joke

i'd make a good first impression oh he's

funny that guy miles is a riot

that didn't happen of course things

never happened like i imagined them

bored i went back inside took off my

shirt laid down on the heat soaked vinyl

of the lower bunk mattress

and closed my eyes i'd never been

born again with the baptism and weeping

and all that

but it couldn't feel much better than

being born again

as a guy with no known past

i thought of the people i'd read about

john f kennedy

james joyce humphrey bogart who went to

boarding school

and their adventures kennedy for example loved

loved

pranks i thought of the great perhaps

and the things that might happen and the

people i might meet and who my roommate

might be i'd gotten a letter a few weeks

before they gave me his name

chip martin but no other information

whoever chip martin was

i hoped to god he would bring an arsenal

of high-powered fans

because i hadn't packed even one and i

could already feel my sweat

pooling on the vinyl mattress which

disgusted me so much that i stopped

thinking and got off my ass to find a

towel to wipe up the sweat with

and then i thought well before the adventure

adventure

comes the unpacking i managed to tape a

map of the world to the wall

and get most of my clothes into drawers

before i noticed that the hot moist air

made even the walls sweat

and i decided that now was not the time

for manual labor

now was the time for a magnificently

cold shower

the small bathroom contained a huge

full-length mirror behind the door

and so i could not escape the reflection

of my naked self as i leaned in to turn

on the shower faucet

my skinniness always surprised me my thin

thin

arms didn't seem to get much bigger as

they moved from wrist to shoulder

my chest lacked any hint of either fat

or muscle

and i felt embarrassed and wondered if

something could be done about the mirror

i pulled open the plain white shower

curtain and ducked into the stall

unfortunately the shower seemed to have

been designed for someone approximately

three feet seven inches tall

so the cold water hit my lower rib cage

with all the force of a dripping faucet

to wet my sweat soaked face i had to

spread my legs and squat significantly

surely john f kennedy who was six feet

tall according to his biography my

height exactly

did not have to squat at his boarding school

school

no this was a different beast entirely

and as the dribbling shower slowly

soaked my body

i wondered whether i could find a great

perhaps here at

all or whether i had made a grand miscalculation

miscalculation

when i opened the bathroom door after my

shower a towel wrapped around my waist

i saw a short muscular guy with a shock

of brown hair

he was hauling a gigantic army green

duffel bag through the door of my room

he stood five feet and nothing but was

well built

like a scale model of adonis and with

him arrived the stink of stale cigarette smoke

smoke

great i thought i'm meeting my roommate naked

naked

he heed the duffle into the room closed

the door and walked over to me

i'm chip martin he announced in a deep voice

voice

the voice of a radio dj before i could

respond he added

i'd shake your hand but i think you

should hold on damn tight to that towel

till you can get some clothes on

i laughed and nodded my head at him

that's cool right the nod

and said i'm miles halter nice to meet you

you

miles as in to go before i sleep he

asked me

huh it's a robert frost poem

you've never read him i shook my head no

consider yourself lucky he smiled

i grabbed some clean underwear a pair of

blue adidas soccer shorts and a white t-shirt

t-shirt

mumbled that i'd be back in a second and

ducked back into the bathroom

so much for a good first impression

so where are your parents i asked from

the bathroom

my parents the fathers in california

right now may be sitting in his lazy boy

maybe driving his truck either way he's drinking

drinking

my mother is probably just now turning

off campus

oh i said dressed now not sure how to

respond to such personal information

i shouldn't have asked i guess if i

didn't want to know

chip grabbed some sheets and tossed them

onto the top bunk

i'm a top bunk man hope that doesn't

bother you

uh no whatever is fine i see you've

decorated the place

he said gesturing toward the world map i

like it

and then he started naming countries he

spoke in a monotone as if he'd done it a

thousand times before

afghanistan albania algeria

american samoa andorra and so on

he got through the a's before looking up

and noticing my incredulous stare

i could do the rest but it'd probably

bore you something i learned over the summer

summer

god you can't imagine how boring new

hope alabama

is in the summertime like watching

soybeans grow

where are you from by the way florida i said

said

never been that's pretty amazing the

country's thing i said

yeah everybody's got a talent i can

memorize things

and you can um

i know a lot of people's last words it

was an indulgence learning last words

other people had chocolate i had dying declarations

declarations

example i like henrik ibsens

he was a playwright i knew a lot about

ibsen but i'd never read any of his plays

plays

i don't like reading plays i liked

reading biographies

yeah i know who he was said chip

right well he'd been sick for a while

and his nurse said to him

you seem to be feeling better this

morning and ibsen looked at her and said

on the contrary and then he died

chip laughed that's morbid but i like it

he told me he was in his third year at

culver creek he had started in ninth

grade the first year at the school and

was now a junior like me

a scholarship kid he said got a full ride

ride

he'd heard it was the best school in

alabama so he wrote his application

essay about how he wanted to go to a

school where he could read

long books the problem he said in the essay

essay

was that his dad would always hit him

with the books in his house

so chip kept his books short and

paperback for his own safety

his parents got divorced his sophomore

year he liked

the creek as he called it but you have

to be careful here

with students and with teachers and i do hate

hate

being careful he smirked

i hated being careful too or wanted to

at least he told me this while ripping

through his duffel bag throwing clothes

into drawers with reckless abandon

chip did not believe in having a sock

drawer or a t-shirt drawer

he believed that all drawers were

created equal and filled each with

whatever fit

my mother would have died as soon as he finished

finished

unpacking chip hit me roughly on the

shoulder said

i hope you're stronger than you look and

walked out the door leaving it open

behind him

he peeked his head back in a few seconds

later and saw me standing still

well come on miles to go halter we've

got to do

we made our way to the tv room which

according to chip contained the only

cable tv on campus

over the summer it served as a storage

unit packed nearly to the ceiling with

couches fridges and rolled up carpets

the tv room

undulated with kids trying to find and

haul away their stuff

chip said hello to a few people but

didn't introduce me

as he wandered through the couch stocked

maze i stood near the room's entrance

trying my best not to block pairs of

roommates as they maneuvered furniture

through the narrow front door

it took 10 minutes for chip to find his

stuff and an hour more for us to make

four trips back and forth across the

dorm circle between the tv room and room 43

43

by the end i wanted to crawl into chip's

mini fridge and sleep for a thousand years

years

but chip seemed immune to both fatigue

and heat stroke

i sat down on his couch i found it lying

on a curb in my neighborhood a couple

years ago

he said of the couch as he worked on

setting up my playstation 2 on top of

his foot locker

i know the leather's got some cracks but

come on that's a damn nice couch

the leather had more than a few cracks

it was about thirty percent

baby blue faux leather and seventy

percent foam

but it felt damn good to me anyway

all right he said we're about done

he walked over to his desk and pulled a

roll of duct tape from a drawer

we just need your trunk i got up

pulled the trunk out from under the bed

and chip situated it between the couch

and the playstation 2

and started tearing off thin strips of

duct tape

he applied them to the trunk so that

they spelled out coffee table

there he said he sat down and put his

feet up on the

uh coffee table done

i sat down next to him and he looked

over at me and suddenly said

listen i'm not gonna be your entree to

culver creek social life

uh okay i said but i could hear the

words catching my throat

i just carried this guy's couch beneath

a white hot sun and now he didn't like me

me

basically you've got two groups here he

explained speaking with increasing urgency

urgency

you've got the regular borders like me

and then you've got the weekday warriors

they board here but they're all rich

kids who live in birmingham and go home

to their parents air-conditioned

mansions every

weekend those are the cool kids

i don't like them and they don't like me

so if you came here thinking that you

were hot at public schools so

you'll be hot here

you'd best not be seen with me you did

go to public school didn't you

uh i said absent-mindedly i began

picking at the cracks in the couch's leather

leather

digging my fingers into the foamy whiteness

whiteness

right you did probably because if you

had gone to a private school your

freaking shorts would fit

he laughed i wore my shorts just below

my hips which i thought was cool

finally i said yeah i went to public

school but i wasn't hot there

chip i was regular ha

that's good and don't call me chip call

me the colonel

i stifled a laugh the colonel

yeah the colonel and we'll call you

hmm pudge huh

pudge the colonel said because you're

skinny it's called irony pudge

heard of it now let's go get some cigarettes

cigarettes

and start this year off right

he walked out of the room again just

assuming i'd follow and this time i did

mercifully the sun was descending toward

the horizon

we walked five doors down to room 48 a

dry erase board was taped to the door

using duct tape

in blue marker it read alaska has a

single the colonel explained to me that

one this was alaska's room and that two

she had a single room because the girl

who was supposed to be her roommate got

kicked out at the end of last year

and that three alaska had cigarettes

although the colonel neglected to ask

whether four

i smoked which five i didn't he knocked once

once

loudly through the door a voice screamed

oh my god come in you short little man

because i have the best

story we walked in

i turned to close the door behind me and

the colonel shook his head and said

after seven you have to leave the door

open if you're in a girl's room

but i barely heard him because the hottest

hottest

girl in all of human history was

standing before me in cut off jeans on a

peach tank top

and she was talking over the colonel

talking loud and fast

so first day of summer i'm in grand old

mine station with his boy named justin

and we're at his house watching tv on

the couch and mind you i'm already

dating jake

actually i'm still dating him

miraculously enough but justin is a

friend of mine from when i was a kid

and so we're watching tv and literally

chatting about the sats or something

and justin puts his arm around me and i

think oh that's

nice we've been friends for so long and this

this

is totally comfortable and we're just

chatting and then i'm in the middle of a

sentence about analogies or something

and like a hawk he reaches down

and he honks my boob honk

a much too firm two to three second honk

and the first thing i thought was okay

how do i extricate this claw from my

boob before it leaves permanent marks

and the second thing i thought was god i

can't wait to tell takumi and the colonel

colonel

the colonel laughed i stared stunned

partly by the force of the voice

emanating from the petite but

god curvy girl and partly by the

gigantic stacks of

books that lined her walls her library

filled her bookshelves

and then overflowed into waist-high

stacks of books everywhere

piled haphazardly against the walls if just

just

one of them moved i thought the domino

effect could engulf the three of us in

an asphyxiating mass of literature

who's the guy that's not laughing at my

very funny story

she asked oh right alaska this is pudge

pudge memorizes people's last words

pudge this is alaska

she got her boob honked over the summer

she walked over to me with her hand extended

extended

then made a quick move downward at the

last moment and pulled down my

shorts those are the biggest shorts in

the state of alabama

i like them baggy i said embarrassed and

pulled them up

they had been cool back home in florida

so far in our relationship pudge i've

seen your chicken legs entirely too

often the colonel deadpan so alaska

sell us some cigarettes and then somehow

the colonel talked me into paying five

dollars for a pack of marlboro lights i

had no intention of ever smoking

he asked alaska to join us but she said

i have to find takumi and tell him about

the honk

she turned to me and asked have you seen him

him

i had no idea whether i'd seen takumi

since i had no idea who he was

i just shook my head all right meech at

the lake in a few minutes then

the colonel nodded at the edge of the lake

lake

just before the sandy and the colonel

told me fake

beach we sat down in an adirondack swing

i made the obligatory joke don't grab

my boob the colonel gave an obligatory laugh

laugh

then asked wanna smoke i had never

smoked a cigarette but

when in rome is it safe here

not really he said then lit a cigarette

and handed it to me i inhaled

coughed wheezed gasped for breath

coughed again considered vomiting

grabbed the swinging bench head

spinning and threw the cigarette to the

ground and stomped on it

convinced my great perhaps did not

involve cigarettes

smoke much he laughed then pointed to a

white speck across the lake and said

see that yeah i said what is that

a bird it's the swan he said

wow a school with a swan wow

that swan is the spawn of satan

never get closer to it than we are now

why it has some issues with people

it was abused or something it'll rip you

to pieces

the eagle put it there to keep us from

walking around the lake to smoke

the eagle mr starnes code name

the eagle the dean of students most of

the teachers live on campus

and they'll all bust you but only the

eagle lives in the dorm circle and he

sees all

he can smell a cigarette from like five miles

miles

isn't his house back there i asked

pointing to it

i could see the house quite clearly

despite the darkness so

it followed he could probably see us

yeah but he doesn't really go into

blitzkrieg mode until classes start

chip said nonchalantly god if i get in trouble

trouble

my parents will kill me i said i suspect

you're exaggerating

but look you're going to get in trouble 99

99

of the time your parents never have to

know though the school doesn't want your

parents to think you became a up

here any more than you want your parents

to think you're a up

he blew a thin stream of smoke

forcefully toward the lake

i had to admit he looked cool doing it taller

taller

somehow anyway when you get into trouble

just don't tell on anyone i mean i hate

the rich snots here with a fervent

passion i usually reserve only for

dental work and my father but that

doesn't mean i would rat them out

pretty much the only important thing is

never never never

never rat okay

i said although i wondered if someone

punches me in the face i'm supposed to

insist that i ran into a door

it seemed a little stupid how do you

deal with bullies and if you

can't get them into trouble

i didn't ask chip though all right

pudge we have reached the point in the

evening when i'm obliged to go and find

my girlfriend

so give me a few of those cigarettes

you'll never smoke anyway and i'll see

you later

i decided to hang out on the swing for a

while half because the heat had finally

dissipated into a pleasant if muggy

eighty something

and half because i thought alaska might

show up

but almost as soon as the colonel left

the bugs encroached

no seems which for the record you can see

see

and mosquitoes hovered around me in such

numbers that the tiny noise of their

rubbing wings

sounded cacophonous and then i decided

to smoke

now i did think the smoke will drive the

bugs away

and to some degree it did i'd be lying

though if i claimed i became a smoker to

ward off insects

i became a smoker because one i was on

an adirondack swing by myself and

two i had cigarettes and three i figured

that if everyone else could smoke a

cigarette without coughing

i could damn well too in short

i didn't have a very good reason so yeah

let's just say that four it was the bugs

i made it through three entire drags

before i felt nauseous and dizzy

and only semi-pleasantly buzzed i got up

to leave

as i stood a voice behind me said

so do you really memorize last words

she ran up beside me and grabbed my

shoulder and pushed me back onto the

porch swing

yeah i said and then hesitantly i added

you want to quiz me jfk

she said that's obvious i answered

oh is it now she asked no

those were his last words someone said

mr president you can't say dallas

doesn't love you

and then he said that's obvious and then

he got shot

she laughed god that's awful i shouldn't

laugh but i will

and then she laughed again okay mr

famous last words boy i have one for you

she reached into her overstuffed

backpack and pulled out a book

gabrielle garcia marquez the general in

his labyrinth

absolutely one of my favorites it's

about simone bolivar

i didn't know who simone bolivar was but

she didn't give me time to ask

it's a historical novel so i don't know

if this is true but in the book

do you know what his last words are no

you don't but i am about to tell you

senor parting remarks and then she lit a

cigarette and sucked on it

so hard for so long that i thought the

entire thing might burn off in one drag

she exhaled and read to me he that's

simone bolivar

was shaken by the overwhelming

revelation that the headlong race

between his misfortunes and his dreams

was at that moment reaching the finish

line the rest was darkness

damn it he sighed how will i ever get

out of this labyrinth i

knew great last words when i heard them

and i made a mental note to get a hold

of a biography of this simone bolivar fellow

fellow

beautiful last words but i didn't quite understand

understand

so what's the labyrinth i asked her

and now is as good a time as any to say that

that

she was beautiful in the dark beside me

she smelled of sweat and sunshine and vanilla

vanilla

and on that thin moon night i could see

little more than her silhouette

except for when she smoked when the

burning cherry of the cigarette

washed her face in pale red light but

even in the dark i could see her eyes

fierce emeralds she had the kind of eyes

that predisposed you to supporting her

every endeavor

and not just beautiful but hot too with

her breasts

straining against her tight tank top her

curved legs swinging back and forth

beneath the swing

flip-flops dangling from her electric

blue painted toes

it was right then between when i asked

about the labyrinth and when she

answered me

that i realized the importance of curves

of the thousand places where girls

bodies ease from one place to another

from arc of the foot to ankle to calf

from calf to hip to waist to breast to

neck to ski

slope nose to forehead to shoulder to

the concave arch of the back to the

butt to the etc i'd noticed curves

before of course

but i had never quite apprehended their significance

significance

her mouth close enough to me that i

could feel her breath warmer than the air

air

she said that's the mystery isn't it

is the labyrinth living or dying

which is he trying to escape the world

or the end of it

i waited for her to keep talking but

after a while it became obvious she

wanted an answer

uh i don't know i said finally

have you really read all those books in

your room

she laughed oh god no i've maybe read a

third of them

but i'm going to read them all i call it

my life's library

every summer since i was little i've

gone to garage sales and bought all the

books that looked interesting

so i always have something to read but

there's so much to do

cigarettes to smoke sex to have swings

to swing on

i'll have more time for reading when i'm

old and boring

she told me that i reminded her of the

colonel when he came to culver creek

they were freshmen together she said

both scholarship kids with as she put it

a shared interest in booze and mischief

the phrase booze and mischief left me

worrying i'd stumbled into what my

mother referred to as

the wrong crowd but for the wrong crowd

they both seemed awfully smart

as she lit a new cigarette off the butt

of her previous one

she told me that the colonel was smart

but hadn't done much living when he got

to the creek

i got rid of that problem quickly she smiled

smiled

by november i'd gotten his first

girlfriend a perfectly nice

non-weekday warrior named janice he

dumped her after a month because she was

too rich for his poverty soaked blood

but whatever

we pulled our first prank that year we

filled classroom four with a thin

layer of marbles we've progressed some

since then of course

she laughed so chip became the colonel

the military-style planner of their

pranks and alaska was ever alaska

the larger-than-life creative force

behind them

you're smart like him she said quieter though

though

and cuter but i didn't even just say

that because i love my boyfriend

yeah you're not bad either i said

overwhelmed by her compliment

but i didn't just say that because i

love my girlfriend

oh wait right i don't have one

she laughed yeah don't worry pudge

if there's one thing i can get you it's

a girlfriend

let's make a deal you figure out what

the labyrinth is

and how to get out of it and i'll get

you laid

deal we shook on it

later i walked toward the dorm circle

beside alaska

the cicadas hummed their one note song

just as they had at home in florida

she turned to me as we made our way

through the darkness and said

when you're walking at night do you ever

get creeped out

and even though it's silly and

embarrassing you just want to run home

it seemed too secret and personal to

admit to a virtual stranger

but i told her yeah totally

for a moment she was quiet then she

grabbed my hand

whispered run run run run run

127 days before

early the next afternoon i blinked sweat

from my eyes as i taped a van gogh

poster to the back of the door

the colonel sat on the couch judging

whether the poster was level

and fielding my endless questions about

alaska what's her story

she's from vine station you could drive

past it without noticing

and from what i understand you ought to

her boyfriend's at vanderbilt on scholarship

scholarship

plays bass in some band don't know much

about her family

so she really likes him i guess she

hasn't cheated on him which is a first

and so on all morning i've been unable

to care about anything else

not the van gogh poster and not video

games and not even my class schedule

which the eagle had brought by that morning

morning

he introduced himself to welcome to

culver creek mr halter

you're given a large measure of freedom

here if you abuse it

you'll regret it you seem like a nice

young man i'd hate to have to bid you farewell

farewell

and then he stared at me in a manner

that was either serious or

seriously malicious alaska calls that

the look of doom

the colonel told me after the eagle left

the next time you see that

you're busted okay pudge

the colonel said as i stepped away from

the poster not entirely level but close enough

enough

enough with the alaska already by my

account there are 92 girls at this

school and every last one of them is

less crazy than alaska

who i might add already has a boyfriend

i'm going to lunch it's buffrido day

he walked out leaving the door open

feeling like an over

infatuated idiot i got up to close the door

door

the colonel already halfway across the

dorm circle turned around

you can say a lot of bad things about

alabama but you can't say that alabamans

as a people

are unduly afraid of deep friars

in that first week at the creek the

cafeteria served fried chicken

chicken fried steak and fried okra which

marked my first foray into the delicacy

that is the fried vegetable

i half expected them to fry the iceberg lettuce

lettuce

but nothing matched the bafrido a dish

created by maureen

the amazingly and understandably obese

culver creek cook

a deep-fried bean burrito the buffrido

proved beyond the shadow of a doubt that

frying always

improves the food sitting with the

colonel and five guys i didn't know at a

circular table in the cafeteria that afternoon

afternoon

i sank my teeth into the crunchy shell

of my first bafrido

and experienced a culinary orgasm

my mom cooked okay but i immediately

wanted to bring maureen home with me

over thanksgiving

the colonel introduced me as pudge to

the guys at the wobbly wooden table

but i only registered the name takumi

whom alaska had mentioned yesterday

a thin japanese guy only a few inches

taller than the colonel

takumi talked with his mouth full as i

chewed slowly

savoring the beanie crunch

god takumi said to me there's nothing

like watching a man eat his first buffrto

buffrto

i didn't say much partly because no one

asked me any questions

and partly because i just wanted to eat

as much as i could

but takumi felt no such modesty he could

and did

eat and chew and swallow while talking

the lunch discussion centered on the

girl who was supposed to have been

alaska's roommate mariah and her

boyfriend paul

who had been a weekday warrior they'd

gotten kicked out in the last weeks of

the previous school year i learned

for what the colonel called the trifecta

they were caught committing three of

culver creek's expellable offenses

at once lying naked in bed together

genital contact being offense number one

already drunk

number two they were smoking a joint

number three

when the eagle burst in on them rumors

had it that someone had ratted them out

and takumi seemed intent on finding out

who intent enough anyway

to shout about it with his mouth

jam-packed with buffrito

paul was an the colonel said i

wouldn't have ratted on them but anyone

who shacks

up with a jaguar driving weekday warrior

like paul deserves what she gets

dude takumi responded your girlfriend

and then he swallowed a bite of food is

a weekday warrior

true the colonel laughed much to my

chagrin that is an

incontestable fact but she is not as big an

an

as paul not quite

takumi smirked the colonel laughed again

and i wondered why he wouldn't stand

up for his girlfriend i wouldn't have

cared if my girlfriend was a jaguar

driving cyclops with a beard

i have been grateful just to have

someone to make out with

that evening when the colonel dropped by

room 43 to pick up the cigarettes

he seemed to have forgotten that they

were technically mine i didn't really

care when he didn't invite me out with

him in public school

i'd known plenty of people who made it a

habit to hate this kind

person or that kind the geeks hated the

preps etc

and it always seemed like a big waste of

time to me the colonel didn't tell me

where he'd spent the afternoon

or where he was going to spend the

evening but he closed the door behind

him when he left so i guessed i wasn't welcome

welcome

just as well i spent the night surfing

the web no

porn i swear and reading the final days

a book about richard nixon and watergate

for dinner i microwaved a refrigerated buffrto

buffrto

the colonel had snuck out of the

cafeteria it reminded me of nights in florida

florida

except with better food and no air conditioning

conditioning

lying in bed and reading felt pleasantly familiar

familiar

i decided to heed what i'm sure would

have been my mother's advice

and get a good night's sleep before my

first day of classes

french 2 started at 8 10 and figuring it

couldn't take more than

eight minutes to put on some clothes and

walk to the classrooms i set my alarm

for 802.

i took a shower and then lay in bed

waiting for sleep to save me from the heat

heat

around 11 o'clock i realized that the

tiny fan clipped to my bunk

might make more of a difference if i

took off my shirt and i finally fell

asleep on top of the sheets wearing just boxers

boxers

a decision i found myself regretting

some hours later

when i awoke to two sweaty meaty hands

shaking the holy hell out of me

i woke up completely and instantly

sitting up straight in

bed terrified and i couldn't understand

the voices for some reason

couldn't understand why there were any

voices at all and what the hell time was

it anyway

and finally my head cleared enough to

hear come on kid

don't make us kick your ass just get up

and then from the top bunk i heard

cries pudge just get up

so i got up and saw for the first time

three shadowy figures

two of them grabbed me one with a hand

on each of my upper arms

and walked me out of the room on the way

out the colonel mumbled

have a good time go easy on him kevin

they led me almost at a jog behind my

dorm building and then across the soccer field

field

the ground was grassy but gravely too

and i wondered why no one had shown the

common courtesy to tell me to put on shoes

shoes

and why was i out there in my underwear

chicken legs exposed to the world

a thousand humiliations crossed my mind

there's the new junior miles halter

handcuffed to the soccer goal wearing

only his boxers

i imagine them taking me into the woods

where we now seemed headed

and beating the out of me so that i

looked great for my first day of school

and the whole time i just stared at my

feet because i didn't want to look at them

them

and i didn't want to fall so i watched

my steps trying to avoid the bigger rocks

rocks

i felt the fight fight-or-flight reflex

swell up in me

over and over again but i knew that

neither fight nor flight had ever worked

for me before

they took me a roundabout way to the

fake beach

and then i knew what would happen a good old-fashioned

old-fashioned

dunking in the lake and i calmed down i

could handle that

when we reached the beach they told me

to put my arms at my sides

and the beefiest guy grabbed two rolls

of duct tape from the sand

with my arms flat against my sides like

a soldier at attention

they mummified me from my shoulders to

my wrists

then they threw me to the ground the

sand from the fake

beach cushioning the landing but i still

hit my head

two of them pulled my legs together well

the other one kevin

i'd figured out put his angular strong

jawed face

up so close to mine that the gel-soaked

spikes of hair pointing out from his

forehead poked at my face

and told me this is for the colonel you

shouldn't hang out with that

they taped my legs together from ankles

to thighs

i looked like a silver mummy i said

please guys

don't just before they taped my mouth

shut then they picked me up

and hurled me into the water sinking

sinking but instead of feeling panic or

anything else

i realized that please guys don't

were terrible last words but then

the great miracle of the human species

our buoyancy came through

and as i felt myself floating toward the

surface i twisted and turned as best i could

could

so that the warm night air hit my nose

first and i breathed

i wasn't dead and i wasn't going to die

well i thought that wasn't so bad

but there was still the small matter of

getting to shore before the sun rose

first to determine my position vis-a-vis

the shoreline

if i tilted my head too much i felt my

whole body start to roll

and on the long list of unpleasant ways

to die face down in soaking wet white boxers

boxers

is pretty high up there so instead i

rolled my

eyes and craned my neck back my eyes

almost under water

until i saw that the shore not ten feet

away was directly behind my head

i began to swim and armless silver

mermaid using only my hips to generate motion

motion

until finally my ass scraped against the

lake's mucky bottom

i turned them and used my hips and waist

to roll three times

until i came ashore near a ratty green towel

towel

they'd left me a towel how thoughtful

the water had seeped under the duct tape

and loosened the adhesives grip on my skin

skin

but the tape was wrapped around me three

layers deep in places

which necessitated wiggling like a fish

out of water

finally it loosened enough for me to

slip my left hand up and out against my chest

chest

and rip the tape off i wrapped myself in

the sandy towel

i didn't want to go back to my room and

see chip because i had no idea what

kevin had

meant maybe if i went back to the room

they'd be waiting for me

and they'd get me for real maybe i

needed to show them

okay got your message he's just my

roommate not my friend

and anyway i didn't feel terribly

friendly toward the colonel

have a good time he'd said yeah i thought

thought

i had a ball so i went to alaska's room

i didn't know what time it was but i

could see a faint light underneath her door

door

i knocked softly yeah

she said and i came in wet and sandy and

wearing only a towel and soaking boxers

this was not obviously how you want the

world's hottest girl to see you

but i figured she could explain to me

what had just happened

she put down a book and got out of bed

with a sheet wrapped around her shoulders

shoulders

for a moment she looked concerned she

looked like the girl i met yesterday

the girl who said i was cute and who

bubbled over with energy and silliness

and intelligence

and then she left guess she went for a

swim huh

and she said it was such casual malice

that i felt that everyone had known

and i wondered why the whole damn school

agreed in advance to possibly drown

miles halter but alaska liked the colonel

colonel

and in the confusion of the moment i

just looked at her blankly

unsure even of what to ask

give me a break she said come on you

know what there are people with real problems

problems

i've got real problems mommy ain't here

so buck up big guy

i left without saying a word to her and

went to my room

slamming the door behind me waking the

colonel and stomping into the bathroom

i got in the shower to wash the algae

and the lake off me

but the ridiculous faucet of a shower

had failed spectacularly

and how could alaska and kevin and those

other guys already dislike me

after i finished the shower i dried off

and went into the room to find some clothes

clothes

so he said what took you so long got

lost on your way home

they said it was because of you i said

and my voice betrayed a hint of annoyance

annoyance

they said i shouldn't hang out with you what

what

no it happens to everybody the colonel

said it happened to me

they throw you in the lake you swim out

you walk home

i couldn't just swim out i said softly

pulling on a pair of jean shorts beneath

my towel

they duct taped me i couldn't even move really

really

wait wait he said and hopped out of his bunk

bunk

staring at me through the darkness they

taped you

how and i showed him i stood like a

mummy with my feet together and my hands

at my sides

and showed him how they'd wrapped me up

and then i plopped down onto the couch christ

christ

you could have drowned they're just

supposed to throw you in the water in

your underwear and run

he shouted what the hell were they

thinking who was it kevin richmond and

who else do you remember their faces

yeah i think why the hell would they do that

that

he wondered did you do something to them i

i

asked no but i'm sure as gonna do

something to him now

we'll get them it wasn't a big deal i

got out fine

you could have died and i could have i suppose

suppose

but i didn't well maybe i should just go

to the eagle tomorrow and tell him

i said absolutely not he answered

he walked over to his crumpled shorts

lying on the floor and pulled out a pack

of cigarettes

he lit two and handed one to me i smoked

the whole goddamn thing

you're not he continued because that's

not how gets dealt with here

and besides you really don't want to get

a reputation for ratting

but we will deal with those bastards

pudge i promise you

they will regret messing with one of my friends

friends

and if the colonel thought that calling

me his friend would make me stand by him

well he was right alaska was kind of

mean to me tonight i said

i leaned over opened an empty desk

drawer and used it as a makeshift ashtray

ashtray

like i said she's moody

i went to bed wearing a t-shirt shorts

and socks

no matter how miserably hot it got i

resolved i would sleep in my clothes

every night at the creek

feeling probably for the first time in

my life the fear

and excitement of living in a place

where you never know what's going to happen

happen

126 days before

well now it's war the colonel shouted

the next morning

i rolled over and looked at the clock 752

752

my first culvert creek class french

started in eighteen minutes

i blinked a couple times and looked up

at the colonel who was standing between

the couch and the coffee table

holding his well-worn once white tennis

shoes by the laces

for a long time he stared at me and i

stared at him

and then almost in slow motion a grin

crept across the colonel's face i've got

to hand it to them

he said finally that was pretty clever

what i asked last night before they woke

you up i guess

they pissed in my shoes are you sure i

said trying not to laugh

do you care to smell he asked holding

the shoes toward me

because i went ahead and smelled them

and yes i am sure

if there's one thing i know it's when

i've just stepped in another man's piss

it's like my mom always says you think

he's a walking on water but it turns out

you just got piss in your shoes

point those guys out to me if you see

them today he added

because we need to figure out why

they're so uh pissed

at me and then we need to go ahead and

start thinking about

how we're going to ruin their miserable

when i received the culver creek

handbook over the summer and noticed

happily that the dress code section

contained only two words

casual modesty it never occurred to me

that girls would show up for class

half asleep in cotton pajama shorts

t-shirts and flip-flops

modest i guess and casual and there was

something about girls wearing pajamas

even if modest

which might have made french at 8 10 in

the morning bearable

if i'd had any idea what madame o'malley

was talking about

como ditu oh my god i don't know nearly

my french one class back in florida did

not prepare me

for madame o'malley who skipped the how

was your summer pleasantries

and dove directly into something called

the passe composer

which is apparently a verb tense alaska

sat directly across from me in the

circle of desks

but she didn't look at me once the

entire class even though i could notice

little but her

maybe she could be mean but the way she

talked that first night about getting

out of a labyrinth

so smart and the way her mouth curled up

on the right side all the time

like she was preparing to smirk like

she'd mastered the right half of the

mona lisa's inimitable smile

from my room the student population

seemed manageable

but it overwhelmed me in the classroom

area which was a single long building

just beyond the dorm circle the building

was split into 14 rooms facing out

toward the lake

kids crammed the narrow sidewalks in

front of the classrooms

and even though finding my classes

wasn't hard even with my poor sense of

direction i could get from french in

room 3 to pre-calc in room 12

i felt unsettled all day

i didn't know anyone and couldn't even

figure out whom i should be trying to know

know

and the classes were hard even on the

first day

my dad had told me i'd have to study and

now i believed him

the teachers were serious and smart and

a lot of them went by doctor

and so when the time came from my last

class before lunch

world religions i felt tremendous relief

a vestige from when culver creek was a

christian boys school

i figured the world religions class

required of every junior and senior

might be an easy a it was my

only class all day where the desks

weren't arranged either in a square or a circle

circle

so not wanting to seem eager i sat down

in the third row at 1103

i was seven minutes early partly because

i like to be punctual

and partly because i didn't have anyone

to chat with out in the halls

shortly thereafter the colonel came in

with takumi and they sat down on

opposite sides of me

i heard about last night takumi said

alaska's pissed

that's weird since she was such a

last night i blurted out

takumi just shook his head yeah well she

didn't know the whole story

and people are moody dude you gotta get

used to living with people

you could have worse friends than the

colonel cut him off

enough with the psychobabble mcdr phil

let's talk

counter insurgency people were starting

to file into class

so the colonel leaned in toward me and

whispered if any of them are in this class

class

let me know okay just here just put x's

where they're sitting

and he ripped a sheet of paper out of

his notebook and drew a square for each desk

desk

as people filed in i saw one of them the

tall one with immaculately spiky hair

kevin kevin stared down the kernel as he

walked past

but in trying to stare he forgot to

watch his step

and bumped his thigh against a desk the

colonel laughed

one of the other guys the one who was

either a little fat or worked out too much

much

came in behind kevin sporting pleated

khaki pants and a short sleeved black

polo shirt

as they sat down i crossed through the

appropriate squares on the colonel's diagram

diagram

and handed it to him just then the old man

man

shuffled in he breathed slowly and with

great labor through his wide open mouth

he took tiny steps toward the lectern

his heels not moving much past his toes

the colonel nudged me and pointed

casually to his notebook which read

the old man only has one lung and i did not

not

doubt it his audible almost desperate

breaths reminded me of my grandfather

when he was dying of lung cancer

barrel chested and ancient the old man

it seemed to me

might die before he ever reached the podium

podium

name he said is dr

hyde i have a first

name of course so far as you are

concerned it is

doctor your parents pay a great deal of money

money

so that you can attend school here and

i expect that you will offer them some return

return

on their investment by reading what i

tell you to read when i tell you to read it

it

and consistently attending this class

and when you are here you will listen

to what i say

clearly not an easy a

this year we'll be studying three religious

religious

traditions islam christianity

and buddhism we'll tackle three more

traditions next year

and in my classes i

will talk most of the time and you

will listen most of the time

because you may be smart

but i've been smart longer

i'm sure some of you do not like

lecture classes but as you have probably

noted i'm not as young as i used to be

i would love to spend my remaining

breath chatting with you about the finer

points of islamic history

but our time together is short

i must talk and you must listen

for we are engaged here in the most

important pursuit in history the search

for meaning what is the nature of being

a person what is the best way to go about

about

being a person how did we come

to be and what will become of us when we

are no longer in short

what are the rules of this game

and how might we best play it

the nature of the labyrinth i scribbled

into my spiral notebook

and the way out of it this teacher rocked

rocked

i hated discussion classes i hated

talking and i hated listening to

everyone else stumble on their words and

try to phrase things in the vaguest

possible ways so they wouldn't sound

dumb and i hated how it was all just a game

game of trying to figure out what the teacher

of trying to figure out what the teacher wanted to hear and then saying it

wanted to hear and then saying it i'm in class so teach me

i'm in class so teach me and teach me he did in those 50 minutes

and teach me he did in those 50 minutes the old man made me take religion

the old man made me take religion seriously

seriously i'd never been religious but he told us

i'd never been religious but he told us that religion is important whether or

that religion is important whether or not

not we believed in one in the same way that

we believed in one in the same way that historical events are important whether

historical events are important whether or not you personally lived through them

or not you personally lived through them and then he assigned us 50 pages of

and then he assigned us 50 pages of reading for the next day

reading for the next day from a book called religious studies

from a book called religious studies that afternoon

that afternoon i had two classes and two free periods

i had two classes and two free periods we had nine

we had nine fifty minute class periods each day

fifty minute class periods each day which means that most everyone had three

which means that most everyone had three study periods

study periods except for the colonel who had an extra

except for the colonel who had an extra independent study math class on account

independent study math class on account of being an extra special genius

of being an extra special genius the colonel and i had biology together

the colonel and i had biology together where i pointed out the other guy who

where i pointed out the other guy who duct taped me the night before in the

duct taped me the night before in the top corner of his notebook

top corner of his notebook the colonel wrote long-willed chase

the colonel wrote long-willed chase senior

senior w day warrior friends with sarah

w day warrior friends with sarah weird it took me a minute to remember

weird it took me a minute to remember who sarah was

who sarah was the colonel's girlfriend i spent my free

the colonel's girlfriend i spent my free periods in my room

periods in my room trying to read about religion i learned

trying to read about religion i learned that

that myth doesn't mean a lie it means a

myth doesn't mean a lie it means a traditional story

traditional story that tells you something about people

that tells you something about people and their worldview and what they hold

and their worldview and what they hold sacred

sacred interesting i also learned that after

interesting i also learned that after the events of the previous night i was

the events of the previous night i was far too tired to care about

far too tired to care about myths or anything else so i slept on top

myths or anything else so i slept on top of the covers for most of the afternoon

of the covers for most of the afternoon until i awoke to alaska singing wake up

until i awoke to alaska singing wake up little pudgy

little pudgy directly into my left ear canal i held

directly into my left ear canal i held the religion book close up against my

the religion book close up against my chest like a small paperback security

chest like a small paperback security blanket

blanket that was terrible i said what do i need

that was terrible i said what do i need to do to ensure

to do to ensure that never happens to me again nothing

that never happens to me again nothing you can do

you can do she said excitedly i'm unpredictable god

she said excitedly i'm unpredictable god don't you hate dr hyde don't you he's so

don't you hate dr hyde don't you he's so condescending i sat up and said

condescending i sat up and said i think he's a genius partly because i

i think he's a genius partly because i thought it was true and partly because i

thought it was true and partly because i just felt like disagreeing with her

just felt like disagreeing with her she sat down on the bed do you always

she sat down on the bed do you always sleep in your clothes

sleep in your clothes yup funny she said you weren't wearing

yup funny she said you weren't wearing much last night

much last night i just glared at her come on pudge i'm

i just glared at her come on pudge i'm teasing you have to be tough here i

teasing you have to be tough here i didn't know how bad it was and i'm sorry

didn't know how bad it was and i'm sorry and they'll regret it but you have to be

and they'll regret it but you have to be tough and then she left that was all she

tough and then she left that was all she had to say on the subject

had to say on the subject she's cute i thought but you don't need

she's cute i thought but you don't need to like a girl who treats you like your

to like a girl who treats you like your ten

ten you've already got a mom

122 days before after my last class of my first week at

after my last class of my first week at culver creek

culver creek i entered room 43 to an unlikely site

i entered room 43 to an unlikely site the diminutive and shirtless colonel

the diminutive and shirtless colonel hunched over an ironing board attacking

hunched over an ironing board attacking a pink button-down shirt

a pink button-down shirt sweat trickled down his forehead and

sweat trickled down his forehead and chest as he ironed with great enthusiasm

chest as he ironed with great enthusiasm his right arm pushing the iron across

his right arm pushing the iron across the length of the shirt was such

the length of the shirt was such vigor that his breathing nearly

vigor that his breathing nearly duplicated dr hyde's

duplicated dr hyde's i have a date he explained this is an

i have a date he explained this is an emergency

emergency he paused to catch his breath do you

he paused to catch his breath do you know

know how to iron i walked over to the pink

how to iron i walked over to the pink shirt

shirt it was wrinkled like an old woman who'd

it was wrinkled like an old woman who'd spent her youth sunbathing

spent her youth sunbathing if only the colonel didn't ball up his

if only the colonel didn't ball up his every belonging and stuff it into random

every belonging and stuff it into random dresser drawers

dresser drawers i think you just turn it on and press it

i think you just turn it on and press it against the shirt right

against the shirt right i said i don't know i didn't even know

i said i don't know i didn't even know we had an iron

we had an iron we don't it's takumi's but takumi

we don't it's takumi's but takumi doesn't know how to iron either

doesn't know how to iron either and when i asked alaska she started

and when i asked alaska she started yelling you're not going to impose the

yelling you're not going to impose the patriarchal paradigm on me

patriarchal paradigm on me oh god i need to smoke i need to smoke

oh god i need to smoke i need to smoke but i can't reek when i see sarah's

but i can't reek when i see sarah's parents

parents okay screw it we're going to smoke in

okay screw it we're going to smoke in the bathroom with the shower on

the bathroom with the shower on the shower has steam steam gets rid of

the shower has steam steam gets rid of wrinkles right

wrinkles right by the way he said as i followed him

by the way he said as i followed him into the bathroom if you want to smoke

into the bathroom if you want to smoke inside during the day

inside during the day just turn on the shower the smoke

just turn on the shower the smoke follows the steam of the vents

follows the steam of the vents though this made no scientific sense it

though this made no scientific sense it seemed to work

seemed to work the shower's shortage of water pressure

the shower's shortage of water pressure and low shower head made it all but

and low shower head made it all but useless for showering

useless for showering but it worked great as a smokescreen

but it worked great as a smokescreen sadly it made a poor iron

sadly it made a poor iron the colonel tried ironing the shirt once

the colonel tried ironing the shirt once more i'm just gonna push

more i'm just gonna push really hard and see if that helps and

really hard and see if that helps and finally put it on wrinkled

finally put it on wrinkled he matched the shirt with a blue tie

he matched the shirt with a blue tie decorated with horizontal lines of

decorated with horizontal lines of little pink flamingos

little pink flamingos the one thing my lousy father taught me

the one thing my lousy father taught me the colonel said as his hands nimbly

the colonel said as his hands nimbly threaded the tie into a perfect knot

threaded the tie into a perfect knot was how to tie a tie which is odd since

was how to tie a tie which is odd since i can't imagine when he ever had to wear

i can't imagine when he ever had to wear one

one just then sarah knocked on the door i'd

just then sarah knocked on the door i'd seen her once or twice before but the

seen her once or twice before but the colonel never introduced me to her

colonel never introduced me to her and didn't have a chance to that night

and didn't have a chance to that night oh

oh my god can't you at least press your

my god can't you at least press your shirt

shirt she asked even though the colonel was

she asked even though the colonel was standing in front of the ironing board

standing in front of the ironing board we are going out with my parents

we are going out with my parents sarah looked awfully nice in her blue

sarah looked awfully nice in her blue summer dress

summer dress her long pale blonde hair was pulled up

her long pale blonde hair was pulled up into a twist

into a twist with a strand of hair falling down each

with a strand of hair falling down each side of her face

side of her face she looked like a movie star a

she looked like a movie star a one

one look i did my best we don't all have

look i did my best we don't all have maids to do our ironing

maids to do our ironing chip that chip on your shoulder makes

chip that chip on your shoulder makes you look even shorter

you look even shorter christ can't we get out the door without

christ can't we get out the door without fighting

fighting i'm just saying it's the opera it's a

i'm just saying it's the opera it's a big deal to my parents

big deal to my parents whatever let's go i felt like leaving

whatever let's go i felt like leaving but it seemed stupid to hide in the

but it seemed stupid to hide in the bathroom

bathroom and sarah was standing in the doorway

and sarah was standing in the doorway one hand cocked on her hip

one hand cocked on her hip and the other fiddling with her car keys

and the other fiddling with her car keys as if to say let's go

as if to say let's go i could wear a tuxedo and your parents

i could wear a tuxedo and your parents would still hate me

would still hate me he shouted that's not my fault you

he shouted that's not my fault you antagonize them

antagonize them she held up the car keys in front of him

she held up the car keys in front of him look we're going now or we're not going

look we're going now or we're not going it i'm not going anywhere with you

it i'm not going anywhere with you the colonel said

the colonel said fine have a great night sarah slammed

fine have a great night sarah slammed the door so hard that a sizeable

the door so hard that a sizeable biography of leo tolstoy

biography of leo tolstoy last words the truth is i care a great

last words the truth is i care a great deal what they

deal what they fell off my bookshelf and landed with a

fell off my bookshelf and landed with a thud on our checkered floor

thud on our checkered floor like an echo of the slamming door

like an echo of the slamming door he screamed so that's sarah

he screamed so that's sarah i said yes she seems nice

i said yes she seems nice the colonel laughed knelt down next to

the colonel laughed knelt down next to the mini fridge and pulled out a gallon

the mini fridge and pulled out a gallon of milk

of milk he opened it took a swig winced half

he opened it took a swig winced half coughed and sat down on the couch with

coughed and sat down on the couch with the milk between his legs

the milk between his legs is it sour or something oh i should have

is it sour or something oh i should have mentioned that earlier

mentioned that earlier this isn't milk it's five parts milk in

this isn't milk it's five parts milk in one part vodka

one part vodka i call it ambrosia drink of the gods you

i call it ambrosia drink of the gods you can barely smell the vodka in the milk

can barely smell the vodka in the milk so the eagle can't catch me unless he

so the eagle can't catch me unless he actually takes a sip

actually takes a sip the downside is that it tastes like sour

the downside is that it tastes like sour milk and rubbing alcohol but it's friday

milk and rubbing alcohol but it's friday night

night pudge and my girlfriend is a want

pudge and my girlfriend is a want some

some i think i'll pass aside from a few sips

i think i'll pass aside from a few sips of champagne on new year's under the

of champagne on new year's under the watchful eye of my parents

watchful eye of my parents i'd never really drunk any alcohol and

i'd never really drunk any alcohol and ambrosia didn't seem like the drink with

ambrosia didn't seem like the drink with which to start

which to start outside i heard the pay phone ring given

outside i heard the pay phone ring given the fact that 190 borders

the fact that 190 borders shared five pay phones i was amazed at

shared five pay phones i was amazed at how infrequently it rang

how infrequently it rang we weren't supposed to have cell phones

we weren't supposed to have cell phones but i'd noticed that some of the weekday

but i'd noticed that some of the weekday warriors carried them surreptitiously

warriors carried them surreptitiously and most non-warriors called their

and most non-warriors called their parents as i did on a regular basis

parents as i did on a regular basis so parents only called when their kids

so parents only called when their kids forgot

forgot are you going to get that the colonel

are you going to get that the colonel asked me

asked me i didn't feel like being bossed around

i didn't feel like being bossed around by him but i also didn't feel like

by him but i also didn't feel like fighting

fighting through a buggy twilight i walked to the

through a buggy twilight i walked to the pay phone which was drilled into the

pay phone which was drilled into the wall between rooms 44 and 45

wall between rooms 44 and 45 on both sides of the phone dozens of

on both sides of the phone dozens of phone numbers and esoteric notes were

phone numbers and esoteric notes were written in pen and marker

written in pen and marker 205 555-1584 tommy to airport 420

773-573-6521 jg cuffs calling the pay phone required

jg cuffs calling the pay phone required a great deal of patience

a great deal of patience i picked up on about the ninth ring

i picked up on about the ninth ring can you get chip for me sarah asked it

can you get chip for me sarah asked it sounded like she was on a cell phone

sounded like she was on a cell phone yeah hold on i turned and he was already

yeah hold on i turned and he was already behind me as if he knew it would be her

behind me as if he knew it would be her i handed him the receiver and walked

i handed him the receiver and walked back to the room

back to the room a minute later three words made their

a minute later three words made their way to our room through the thick still

way to our room through the thick still air of alabama at almost night

air of alabama at almost night screw you too the colonel shouted

screw you too the colonel shouted back in the room he sat down with his

back in the room he sat down with his ambrosia and told me

ambrosia and told me she says i ratted out paul and mariah

she says i ratted out paul and mariah that's what the warriors are saying that

that's what the warriors are saying that i ratted them out

i ratted them out me that's why the piss in the shoes

me that's why the piss in the shoes that's why the nearly killing you

that's why the nearly killing you because you live with me and they say

because you live with me and they say i'm a rat

i'm a rat i tried to remember who paul and mariah

i tried to remember who paul and mariah were

were the names were familiar but i'd heard so

the names were familiar but i'd heard so many names in the last week

many names in the last week and i couldn't match paul and mariah

and i couldn't match paul and mariah with faces

with faces and then i remembered why i'd never seen

and then i remembered why i'd never seen them

them they got kicked out the year before

they got kicked out the year before having committed the trifecta

having committed the trifecta how long have you been dating her i

how long have you been dating her i asked nine months

asked nine months we never got along i mean i didn't even

we never got along i mean i didn't even briefly like her

briefly like her like my mom and my dad my dad would get

like my mom and my dad my dad would get pissed and then he would beat the

pissed and then he would beat the out of my mom

out of my mom and then my dad would be all nice and

and then my dad would be all nice and they'd have like a honeymoon period

they'd have like a honeymoon period but with sarah there's never a honeymoon

but with sarah there's never a honeymoon period

period god how could she think i was a rat

god how could she think i was a rat i know i know why don't we break up he

i know i know why don't we break up he ran a hand through his hair clutching a

ran a hand through his hair clutching a fistful of it atop his head

fistful of it atop his head and said i guess i stay with her because

and said i guess i stay with her because she stays with me and that's not an easy

she stays with me and that's not an easy thing to do

thing to do i'm a bad boyfriend she's a bad

i'm a bad boyfriend she's a bad girlfriend

girlfriend we deserve each other but i can't

we deserve each other but i can't believe they think that

believe they think that he said as he walked to the bookshelf

he said as he walked to the bookshelf and pulled down the almanac

and pulled down the almanac he took a long pull off his ambrosia

he took a long pull off his ambrosia goddamn weekday warriors

goddamn weekday warriors it was probably one of them that ratted

it was probably one of them that ratted out paul and mariah and then

out paul and mariah and then blamed me to cover their tracks anyway

blamed me to cover their tracks anyway it's a good night for staying in staying

it's a good night for staying in staying in with

in with pudge and ambrosia i still

pudge and ambrosia i still i said wanting to say that i didn't

i said wanting to say that i didn't understand how you could kiss someone

understand how you could kiss someone who believed you were a rat if being a

who believed you were a rat if being a rat was the worst thing in the world but

rat was the worst thing in the world but the colonel cut me off

the colonel cut me off not another word about it you know what

not another word about it you know what the capital of sierra leone is

the capital of sierra leone is no me neither he said

no me neither he said but i intend to find out and with that

but i intend to find out and with that he stuck his nose in the almanac and the

he stuck his nose in the almanac and the conversation was over

110 days before keeping up with my classes proved easier

keeping up with my classes proved easier than i'd expected

than i'd expected my general predisposition to spending a

my general predisposition to spending a lot of time inside reading

lot of time inside reading gave me a distinct advantage over the

gave me a distinct advantage over the average culver creek student

average culver creek student by the third week of classes plenty of

by the third week of classes plenty of kids had been sunburned to a buffrito

kids had been sunburned to a buffrito like golden brown from days spent

like golden brown from days spent chatting outside in the shadeless dorm

chatting outside in the shadeless dorm circle during free periods

circle during free periods but i was barely pink i studied

but i was barely pink i studied and i listened in class too but on that

and i listened in class too but on that wednesday morning

wednesday morning when dr hyde started talking about how

when dr hyde started talking about how buddhists believe that

buddhists believe that all things are interconnected i found

all things are interconnected i found myself staring out the window

myself staring out the window i was looking at the wooded slow sloping

i was looking at the wooded slow sloping hill beyond the lake

hill beyond the lake and from hyde's classroom things did

and from hyde's classroom things did seem connected

seem connected the trees seemed to clothe the hill

the trees seemed to clothe the hill and just as i would never think to

and just as i would never think to notice a particular cotton thread in the

notice a particular cotton thread in the magnificently tight

magnificently tight orange tank top alaska wore that day i

orange tank top alaska wore that day i couldn't see the trees for the forest

couldn't see the trees for the forest everything so intricately woven together

everything so intricately woven together that it made no sense to think of one

that it made no sense to think of one tree as independent from that hill and

tree as independent from that hill and then i heard my name

then i heard my name and i knew i was in trouble mr

and i knew i was in trouble mr halter the old man said here

halter the old man said here i am straining my lungs for your

i am straining my lungs for your edification

edification and yet something out there seems to

and yet something out there seems to have caught your

have caught your fancy in a way that i've been unable to

fancy in a way that i've been unable to do

do pray tell what have you discovered

pray tell what have you discovered out there now i felt my own breath

out there now i felt my own breath shortened

shortened the whole class watching me thanking god

the whole class watching me thanking god they weren't me

they weren't me dr hyde had already done this three

dr hyde had already done this three times kicking kids out of class for not

times kicking kids out of class for not paying attention or writing notes to one

paying attention or writing notes to one another

another um i was just looking outside at the uh

um i was just looking outside at the uh at the hill and thinking about um the

at the hill and thinking about um the trees

trees and the forest like you were saying

and the forest like you were saying earlier about the way

earlier about the way the old man who obviously did not

the old man who obviously did not tolerate vocalized rambling cut me off

tolerate vocalized rambling cut me off i'm going to ask you to leave class

i'm going to ask you to leave class mr holter so that you can go out there

mr holter so that you can go out there and discover the relationship between

and discover the relationship between the

the um trees and the uh forest

um trees and the uh forest and tomorrow when you're ready to take

and tomorrow when you're ready to take this class

this class seriously i will welcome you

seriously i will welcome you back i sat still my pen

back i sat still my pen resting in my hand my notebook open my

resting in my hand my notebook open my face

face flushed and my jaw jutting out into an

flushed and my jaw jutting out into an underbite

underbite an old trick i had to keep from looking

an old trick i had to keep from looking sad or scared

sad or scared two rows behind me i heard a chair move

two rows behind me i heard a chair move and turned around to see alaska standing

and turned around to see alaska standing up

up slinging her backpack over one arm i'm

slinging her backpack over one arm i'm sorry but that's

sorry but that's you can't just throw him out of class

you can't just throw him out of class you drone on and on for an hour every

you drone on and on for an hour every day and we're not allowed to glance out

day and we're not allowed to glance out the window

the window the old man stared back at alaska like a

the old man stared back at alaska like a bull at a matador

bull at a matador then raised a hand to his sagging face

then raised a hand to his sagging face and slowly rubbed the white stubble on

and slowly rubbed the white stubble on his cheek

his cheek for 50 minutes a day

for 50 minutes a day five days a week you abide

five days a week you abide by my rules or you

by my rules or you fail the choice is yours

fail the choice is yours both of you leave i stuffed my notebook

both of you leave i stuffed my notebook into my backpack and walked out

into my backpack and walked out humiliated

humiliated as the door shut behind me i felt a tap

as the door shut behind me i felt a tap on my left shoulder

on my left shoulder i turned but there was no one there then

i turned but there was no one there then i turned the other way

i turned the other way and alaska was smiling at me the skin

and alaska was smiling at me the skin between her eyes and

between her eyes and temple crinkled into a starburst the

temple crinkled into a starburst the oldest trick in the book

oldest trick in the book she said but everybody falls for it i

she said but everybody falls for it i tried to smile

tried to smile but i couldn't stop thinking about dr

but i couldn't stop thinking about dr hyde it was worse than the duct tape

hyde it was worse than the duct tape incident

incident because i always knew that the kevin

because i always knew that the kevin richmonds of the world didn't like me

richmonds of the world didn't like me but my teachers had always been card

but my teachers had always been card carrying members of the miles halter fan

carrying members of the miles halter fan club

club i told you he was an she said

i told you he was an she said i still think he's a genius he's right i

i still think he's a genius he's right i wasn't listening

wasn't listening right but he didn't need to be a jerk

right but he didn't need to be a jerk about it like he needs to prove his

about it like he needs to prove his power by humiliating you

power by humiliating you anyway she said the only real geniuses

anyway she said the only real geniuses are artists

are artists yates picasso garcia marquez

yates picasso garcia marquez geniuses dr hyde bitter old man

geniuses dr hyde bitter old man and then she announced that we were

and then she announced that we were going to look for four leaf clovers

going to look for four leaf clovers until class

until class ended and we could go smoke with the

ended and we could go smoke with the colonel and takumi both of whom

colonel and takumi both of whom she added are big time for not

she added are big time for not marching out of class right behind us

marching out of class right behind us when alaska young is sitting with her

when alaska young is sitting with her legs crossed in a brittle

legs crossed in a brittle periodically green clover patch leaning

periodically green clover patch leaning forward in search of four-leaf clovers

forward in search of four-leaf clovers the pale skin

the pale skin of her sizable cleavage clearly visible

of her sizable cleavage clearly visible it is a plain fact of human physiology

it is a plain fact of human physiology that it becomes impossible to join in

that it becomes impossible to join in her clover search

her clover search i'd gotten in enough trouble already for

i'd gotten in enough trouble already for looking where i wasn't supposed to but

looking where i wasn't supposed to but still after perhaps two minutes of

still after perhaps two minutes of combing through a clover patch with her

combing through a clover patch with her long dirty fingernails

long dirty fingernails alaska grabbed a clover with three

alaska grabbed a clover with three full-sized petals and an

full-sized petals and an undersized runt of a fourth then looked

undersized runt of a fourth then looked up at me

up at me barely giving me time to avert my eyes

barely giving me time to avert my eyes even though you were clearly not doing

even though you were clearly not doing your part in the clover search

your part in the clover search perv she said riley i really would

perv she said riley i really would give you this clover except luck is for

give you this clover except luck is for suckers

suckers she pinched the runt petal between the

she pinched the runt petal between the nails of her thumb and finger and

nails of her thumb and finger and plucked it

plucked it there she said to the clover as she

there she said to the clover as she dropped it on the ground

dropped it on the ground now you're not a genetic freak anymore

now you're not a genetic freak anymore uh thanks i said the bell rang and

uh thanks i said the bell rang and takumi and the colonel were first out

takumi and the colonel were first out the door

the door alaska stared at them what

alaska stared at them what asked the colonel but she just rolled

asked the colonel but she just rolled her eyes and started walking

her eyes and started walking we followed in silence through the dorm

we followed in silence through the dorm circle and then across the soccer field

circle and then across the soccer field we ducked into the woods following the

we ducked into the woods following the faint path around the lake until we came

faint path around the lake until we came to a dirt road

to a dirt road the colonel ran up to alaska and they

the colonel ran up to alaska and they started fighting about something quietly

started fighting about something quietly enough that i couldn't hear the words so

enough that i couldn't hear the words so much as the mutual annoyance

much as the mutual annoyance and i finally asked akumi where we were

and i finally asked akumi where we were headed

headed this road dead ends into the barn he

this road dead ends into the barn he said so maybe there

said so maybe there but probably the smoking hole you'll see

but probably the smoking hole you'll see from here the woods were a totally

from here the woods were a totally different creature than from dr hyde's

different creature than from dr hyde's classroom

classroom the ground was thick with fallen

the ground was thick with fallen branches decaying pine needles and

branches decaying pine needles and brambly green bushes

brambly green bushes the path wound past pine trees sprouting

the path wound past pine trees sprouting tall

tall and thin their stubbly needles providing

and thin their stubbly needles providing a lace of shade from another sunburned

a lace of shade from another sunburned day

day and the smaller oak and maple trees

and the smaller oak and maple trees which from dr hyde's classroom had been

which from dr hyde's classroom had been invisible beneath the more majestic

invisible beneath the more majestic pines

pines showed hints of an as yet thermally

showed hints of an as yet thermally unforeseeable

unforeseeable fall their still green leaves were

fall their still green leaves were beginning to droop

beginning to droop we came to a rickety wooden bridge just

we came to a rickety wooden bridge just thick plywood laid over a concrete

thick plywood laid over a concrete foundation

foundation over culver creek the winding rivulet

over culver creek the winding rivulet that doubled back

that doubled back over and over again through the

over and over again through the outskirts of campus

outskirts of campus on the far side of the bridge there was

on the far side of the bridge there was a tiny path leading down a steep slope

a tiny path leading down a steep slope not even a path so much as a series of

not even a path so much as a series of hints a broken branch here a patch of

hints a broken branch here a patch of stomp down grass there

stomp down grass there that people had come this way before as

that people had come this way before as we walked down single file

we walked down single file alaska the colonel and takumi each held

alaska the colonel and takumi each held back

back a thick maple branch for one another

a thick maple branch for one another passing it along until i

passing it along until i last in line let it snap back into place

last in line let it snap back into place behind me

behind me and there beneath the bridge an oasis

and there beneath the bridge an oasis a slab of concrete three feet wide and

a slab of concrete three feet wide and ten feet long

ten feet long with blue plastic chairs stolen long ago

with blue plastic chairs stolen long ago from some classroom

from some classroom cooled by the creek and the shade of the

cooled by the creek and the shade of the bridge i felt unhot for the first time

bridge i felt unhot for the first time in weeks

in weeks the colonel dispensed the cigarettes

the colonel dispensed the cigarettes takumi passed the rest of us lit up

takumi passed the rest of us lit up he has no right to condescend to us is

he has no right to condescend to us is all i'm saying

all i'm saying alaska said continuing her conversation

alaska said continuing her conversation with the colonel

with the colonel pudge is done with staring out the

pudge is done with staring out the window and i'm done with going on

window and i'm done with going on tirades about it but

tirades about it but he's a terrible teacher and you won't

he's a terrible teacher and you won't convince me otherwise

convince me otherwise fine the colonel said just don't make

fine the colonel said just don't make another scene

another scene christ you nearly killed the poor old

christ you nearly killed the poor old bastard

bastard seriously you'll never win by crossing

seriously you'll never win by crossing hide takumi said

hide takumi said he'll eat you alive you out and

he'll eat you alive you out and then piss on his dump

then piss on his dump which by the way is what we should be

which by the way is what we should be doing to whoever ratted on mariah

doing to whoever ratted on mariah has anyone heard anything it must have

has anyone heard anything it must have been some weekday warrior

been some weekday warrior alaska said but apparently they think it

alaska said but apparently they think it was the colonel so

was the colonel so who knows maybe the eagle just got lucky

who knows maybe the eagle just got lucky she was stupid she got caught she got

she was stupid she got caught she got expelled it's over

expelled it's over that's what happens when you're stupid

that's what happens when you're stupid and you get caught

and you get caught alaska made an o with her lips moving

alaska made an o with her lips moving her mouth like a goldfish

her mouth like a goldfish eating trying unsuccessfully to blow

eating trying unsuccessfully to blow smoke rings

smoke rings wow takumi said if i ever get kicked out

wow takumi said if i ever get kicked out remind me to even the score myself since

remind me to even the score myself since i sure can't count on you

i sure can't count on you don't be ridiculous she responded not

don't be ridiculous she responded not angry so much as dismissive

angry so much as dismissive i don't understand why you're so

i don't understand why you're so obsessed with figuring out everything

obsessed with figuring out everything that happens here

that happens here like we have to unravel every mystery

like we have to unravel every mystery god it's over

god it's over takumi you gotta stop stealing other

takumi you gotta stop stealing other people's problems and get some of your

people's problems and get some of your own

own takumi started up again but alaska

takumi started up again but alaska raised her hand as if to swap the

raised her hand as if to swap the conversation away

conversation away i said nothing i hadn't known mariah in

i said nothing i hadn't known mariah in any way

any way listening quietly was my general social

listening quietly was my general social strategy

strategy anyway alaska said to me i thought the

anyway alaska said to me i thought the way he treated you was just awful i

way he treated you was just awful i wanted to cry

wanted to cry i just wanted to kiss you and make it

i just wanted to kiss you and make it better

better shame you didn't i deadpanned and they

shame you didn't i deadpanned and they laughed

laughed you're adorable she said and i felt the

you're adorable she said and i felt the intensity of her eyes on me and looked

intensity of her eyes on me and looked away nervously

away nervously too bad i love my boyfriend i stared at

too bad i love my boyfriend i stared at the knotted roots of the trees on the

the knotted roots of the trees on the creek bank

creek bank trying hard not to look like i'd just

trying hard not to look like i'd just been called adorable

been called adorable takumi couldn't believe it either and he

takumi couldn't believe it either and he walked over to me

walked over to me tussling my hair with his hand and

tussling my hair with his hand and started rapping to alaska

started rapping to alaska yeah pudge is adorable but you want

yeah pudge is adorable but you want cordial so jake is more durable because

cordial so jake is more durable because he's so

he's so damn damn i almost had four rhymes on

damn damn i almost had four rhymes on adorable

adorable but all i could think of was unflourable

but all i could think of was unflourable which isn't even

which isn't even a word alaska laughed

a word alaska laughed that made me not be mad at you anymore

that made me not be mad at you anymore god rapping is sexy

god rapping is sexy pudge did you even know that you're in

pudge did you even know that you're in the presence of the sickest mc in

the presence of the sickest mc in alabama

alabama um no drop a beat

um no drop a beat colonel catastrophe takumi said and i

colonel catastrophe takumi said and i laughed at the idea that a guy as short

laughed at the idea that a guy as short and dorky as the colonel could have a

and dorky as the colonel could have a rap name

rap name the colonel cupped his hands around his

the colonel cupped his hands around his mouth and started making some

mouth and started making some absurd noises that i supposed were

absurd noises that i supposed were intended to be beats

the kumi laughed right here by the river you want me to kick it if your smoke was

you want me to kick it if your smoke was a popsicle i'd surely lick it

a popsicle i'd surely lick it my ramen is old school sort of like the

my ramen is old school sort of like the ancient romans the colonel's beat is sad

ancient romans the colonel's beat is sad like arthur miller's willie lohmann

like arthur miller's willie lohmann sometimes i'm accused of being a showman

sometimes i'm accused of being a showman i can rhyme fast and i can rhyme

i can rhyme fast and i can rhyme slow man he paused took a breath

slow man he paused took a breath and then finished like emily dickinson i

and then finished like emily dickinson i ain't afraid of slant rhyme

ain't afraid of slant rhyme and that's the end of this verse mc's

and that's the end of this verse mc's out on a high

out on a high i didn't know slant rhyme from regular

i didn't know slant rhyme from regular rhyme but i was suitably impressed

rhyme but i was suitably impressed we gave takumi a soft round of applause

we gave takumi a soft round of applause alaska finished her cigarette

alaska finished her cigarette and flicked it into the river why do you

and flicked it into the river why do you smoke so damn

smoke so damn fast i asked she looked at me and smiled

fast i asked she looked at me and smiled widely

widely and such a wide smile on her narrow face

and such a wide smile on her narrow face might have looked goofy

might have looked goofy were it not for the unimpeachably

were it not for the unimpeachably elegant green in her eyes

elegant green in her eyes she smiled at me with all the delight of

she smiled at me with all the delight of a kid on christmas morning and said

a kid on christmas morning and said y'all smoke to enjoy it i smoke to die

109 days before dinner in the cafeteria the next night

dinner in the cafeteria the next night was meatloaf one of the rare dishes that

was meatloaf one of the rare dishes that didn't arrive deep fried

didn't arrive deep fried and perhaps as a result meatloaf was

and perhaps as a result meatloaf was maureen's greatest

maureen's greatest failure a stringy gravy soaked

failure a stringy gravy soaked concoction that did not much resemble a

concoction that did not much resemble a loaf

loaf and did not much taste like meat

and did not much taste like meat although i'd never ridden in it

although i'd never ridden in it alaska apparently had a car and she

alaska apparently had a car and she offered to drive the colonel in me to

offered to drive the colonel in me to mcdonald's but the colonel didn't have

mcdonald's but the colonel didn't have any money

any money and i didn't have much either what with

and i didn't have much either what with constantly paying for his extravagant

constantly paying for his extravagant cigarette habit

cigarette habit so instead the colonel and i reheated

so instead the colonel and i reheated two day old buffritos

two day old buffritos unlike say french fries a microwave

unlike say french fries a microwave boffrito lost nothing of its taste

boffrito lost nothing of its taste or its satisfying crunch after which the

or its satisfying crunch after which the colonel insisted on attending the

colonel insisted on attending the creek's first

creek's first basketball game of the season basketball

basketball game of the season basketball in the fall i asked the colonel i don't

in the fall i asked the colonel i don't know much about sports but

know much about sports but isn't that when you play football the

isn't that when you play football the schools in our league are too small to

schools in our league are too small to have football teams

have football teams so we play basketball in the fall

so we play basketball in the fall although man

although man the culver creek football team would be

the culver creek football team would be a thing of beauty

a thing of beauty your scrawny ass could probably start at

your scrawny ass could probably start at linemen

linemen anyway the basketball games are great

anyway the basketball games are great i hated sports i hated sports and i

i hated sports i hated sports and i hated people who played them

hated people who played them and i hated people who watched them and

and i hated people who watched them and i hated people who didn't hate people

i hated people who didn't hate people who watched or played them

who watched or played them in third grade the very last year that

in third grade the very last year that one could play

one could play t-ball my mother wanted me to make

t-ball my mother wanted me to make friends so she forced me onto the

friends so she forced me onto the orlando pirates

orlando pirates i made friends all right with a bunch of

i made friends all right with a bunch of kindergartners

kindergartners which didn't really bolster my social

which didn't really bolster my social standing with my peers

standing with my peers primarily because i towered over the

primarily because i towered over the rest of the players i nearly made it

rest of the players i nearly made it onto the t-ball

onto the t-ball all-star team that year the kid who beat

all-star team that year the kid who beat me clay wertzel

me clay wertzel had one arm i was an unusually tall

had one arm i was an unusually tall third grader with two arms and i got

third grader with two arms and i got beat out by kindergartner

beat out by kindergartner clay wertzel and it wasn't some pity the

clay wertzel and it wasn't some pity the one-armed kid thing either

one-armed kid thing either clay wurtzel could flat out hit whereas

clay wurtzel could flat out hit whereas i sometimes

i sometimes struck out even with the ball sitting on

struck out even with the ball sitting on the tee

the tee one of the things that appealed to me

one of the things that appealed to me most about culver creek

most about culver creek was that my dad assured me there was no

was that my dad assured me there was no p

p e requirement there is only one time

e requirement there is only one time when i put aside my passionate hatred

when i put aside my passionate hatred for the weekday warriors and their

for the weekday warriors and their country club

country club the colonel told me and that's when they

the colonel told me and that's when they pump up the air conditioning in the gym

pump up the air conditioning in the gym for a little old-fashioned culver creek

for a little old-fashioned culver creek basketball

basketball you can't miss the first game of the

you can't miss the first game of the year

year as we walk toward the airplane hangar of

as we walk toward the airplane hangar of a gym which i had seen but never even

a gym which i had seen but never even thought to approach the colonel

thought to approach the colonel explained to me the most important thing

explained to me the most important thing about our basketball team

about our basketball team they were not very good the star of the

they were not very good the star of the team the colonel said

team the colonel said was a senior named hank walston who

was a senior named hank walston who played power forward despite being five

played power forward despite being five foot eight

foot eight hank's primary claim to campus fame i

hank's primary claim to campus fame i already knew

already knew was that he always had weed and the

was that he always had weed and the colonel told me that for four years

colonel told me that for four years hank started every game without ever

hank started every game without ever once playing sober

once playing sober he loves weed like alaska loves sex the

he loves weed like alaska loves sex the colonel said

colonel said this is a man who once constructed a

this is a man who once constructed a bong using only the barrel of an air

bong using only the barrel of an air rifle

rifle a ripe pair and an 8 by 10 glossy

a ripe pair and an 8 by 10 glossy photograph

photograph of anna kournikova not the brightest gem

of anna kournikova not the brightest gem in the jewelry shop but you've got to

in the jewelry shop but you've got to admire his single-minded dedication to

admire his single-minded dedication to drug abuse

drug abuse from hank the colonel told me it went

from hank the colonel told me it went downhill

downhill until you reached wilson carbod the

until you reached wilson carbod the starting center who was

starting center who was almost six feet tall we're so bad

almost six feet tall we're so bad the colonel said we don't even have a

the colonel said we don't even have a mascot i call us the culver

mascot i call us the culver creek nothings so they just

creek nothings so they just suck i asked i didn't quite understand

suck i asked i didn't quite understand the point of watching your terrible team

the point of watching your terrible team get

get walloped though the air conditioning was

walloped though the air conditioning was reason enough for me

reason enough for me oh they suck the colonel replied but we

oh they suck the colonel replied but we always beat the out of the deaf and

always beat the out of the deaf and blind school

blind school apparently basketball wasn't a big

apparently basketball wasn't a big priority at the alabama school for the

priority at the alabama school for the deaf and blind

deaf and blind and so we usually came out of the season

and so we usually came out of the season with a single victory

with a single victory when we arrived the gym was packed with

when we arrived the gym was packed with most every culver creek student

most every culver creek student i noticed for instance the creek's three

i noticed for instance the creek's three goth girls reapplying their eyeliner as

goth girls reapplying their eyeliner as they sat in the top row of the gyms

they sat in the top row of the gyms bleachers

bleachers i'd never attended a school basketball

i'd never attended a school basketball game back home but i doubted the crowds

game back home but i doubted the crowds there were quite so inclusive

there were quite so inclusive even so i was surprised when none other

even so i was surprised when none other than kevin richmond sat down on the

than kevin richmond sat down on the bleacher directly in front of me

bleacher directly in front of me while the opposing schools cheerleading

while the opposing schools cheerleading team their unfortunate school colors

team their unfortunate school colors were mud

were mud brown and dehydrated piss yellow tried

brown and dehydrated piss yellow tried to fire up the small visitors section in

to fire up the small visitors section in the crowd

the crowd kevin turned around and stared at the

kevin turned around and stared at the colonel

colonel like most of the other guy warriors

like most of the other guy warriors kevin dressed preppy

kevin dressed preppy looking like a lawyer who enjoys golfing

looking like a lawyer who enjoys golfing waiting to happen

waiting to happen and his hair a blonde mop short on the

and his hair a blonde mop short on the sides and spiky on top

sides and spiky on top was always soaked through with so much

was always soaked through with so much gel that it looked perennially wet

gel that it looked perennially wet i didn't hate him like the colonel did

i didn't hate him like the colonel did of course because the colonel hated him

of course because the colonel hated him on principle

on principle and principled hate is a hell of a lot

and principled hate is a hell of a lot stronger than boy i wish you hadn't

stronger than boy i wish you hadn't mummified me and thrown me into the lake

mummified me and thrown me into the lake hate

hate still i tried to stare at him

still i tried to stare at him intimidatingly as he looked at the

intimidatingly as he looked at the kernel

kernel but it was hard to forget that this guy

but it was hard to forget that this guy had seen my skinny ass and nothing but

had seen my skinny ass and nothing but boxers a couple weeks ago

boxers a couple weeks ago you ratted out paul and mariah we got

you ratted out paul and mariah we got you back truce

you back truce kevin asked i didn't wrap them out

kevin asked i didn't wrap them out pudge here certainly didn't rat them out

pudge here certainly didn't rat them out but you brought him in on your fun

but you brought him in on your fun truce hmm let me take a poll real quick

truce hmm let me take a poll real quick the cheerleaders sat down holding their

the cheerleaders sat down holding their pom poms close to their chest as if

pom poms close to their chest as if praying

praying hey pudge the colonel said what do you

hey pudge the colonel said what do you think of a truce

think of a truce it reminds me of when the germans

it reminds me of when the germans demanded that the u.s surrender at the

demanded that the u.s surrender at the battle of the bulge

battle of the bulge i said i guess i'd say to this truth's

i said i guess i'd say to this truth's offer

offer what general mcauliffe said to that one

what general mcauliffe said to that one nuts

nuts why would you try to kill this guy kevin

why would you try to kill this guy kevin he's a genius

he's a genius nuts to your truce come on dude

nuts to your truce come on dude i know you ratted them out and we had to

i know you ratted them out and we had to defend our friend and now it's over

defend our friend and now it's over let's end it he seemed very sincere

let's end it he seemed very sincere perhaps due to the colonel's reputation

perhaps due to the colonel's reputation for pranking

for pranking i'll make you a deal you pick one dead

i'll make you a deal you pick one dead american president

american president if pudge doesn't know that guy's last

if pudge doesn't know that guy's last words truce

words truce if he does you spend the rest of your

if he does you spend the rest of your life lamenting the day you pissed in my

life lamenting the day you pissed in my shoes

shoes that's alright no truce

that's alright no truce the colonel shot back fine millard

the colonel shot back fine millard fillmore

fillmore kevin said the colonel looked at me

kevin said the colonel looked at me hurriedly

hurriedly his eyes saying was that guy a president

his eyes saying was that guy a president i just smiled

when fillmore was dying he was super hungry but his doctor was trying to

hungry but his doctor was trying to starve his fever or whatever

starve his fever or whatever fillmore wouldn't shut up about wanting

fillmore wouldn't shut up about wanting to eat though so finally the doctor gave

to eat though so finally the doctor gave him a tiny teaspoon of soup and all

him a tiny teaspoon of soup and all sarcastic fillmore said

sarcastic fillmore said the nourishment is palatable and then

the nourishment is palatable and then died no truce

died no truce kevin rolled his eyes and walked away

kevin rolled his eyes and walked away and it occurred to me that

and it occurred to me that i could have made up any last words for

i could have made up any last words for millard fillmore and kevin probably

millard fillmore and kevin probably would have believed me if i'd used that

would have believed me if i'd used that same tone of voice

same tone of voice the colonel's confidence rubbing off on

the colonel's confidence rubbing off on me

me that was your first badass moment the

that was your first badass moment the colonel laughed

colonel laughed now it's true that i gave you an easy

now it's true that i gave you an easy target but still well done

target but still well done unfortunately for the culver creek

unfortunately for the culver creek nothings we weren't playing the deaf and

nothings we weren't playing the deaf and blind school

blind school we were playing some christian school

we were playing some christian school from downtown birmingham

from downtown birmingham a team stocked with huge gargantuan ape

a team stocked with huge gargantuan ape men with thick beards

men with thick beards and a strong distaste for turning the

and a strong distaste for turning the other cheek

other cheek at the end of the first quarter twenty

at the end of the first quarter twenty to four

to four and that's when the fun started the

and that's when the fun started the colonel led

colonel led all of the cheers cornbread

all of the cheers cornbread he screamed chicken the crowd responded

he screamed chicken the crowd responded rice peas and then all together

rice peas and then all together we got higher sats hip hip hooray

we got higher sats hip hip hooray the colonel cried you'll be working for

the colonel cried you'll be working for us someday

us someday the opposing team's cheerleaders tried

the opposing team's cheerleaders tried to answer our cheers with

to answer our cheers with the roof the roof the roof is on fire

the roof the roof the roof is on fire hell is in your future if you give in to

hell is in your future if you give in to desire

desire but we could always do them one better

but we could always do them one better buy

buy sell trade barter

sell trade barter you're much bigger but we are smarter

you're much bigger but we are smarter when the visitors shoot a free throw on

when the visitors shoot a free throw on most every court in the country

most every court in the country the fans make a lot of noise screaming

the fans make a lot of noise screaming and stomping their feet

and stomping their feet it doesn't work because players learn to

it doesn't work because players learn to tune out white noise

tune out white noise at culver creek we had a much better

at culver creek we had a much better strategy

strategy at first everyone yelled and screamed

at first everyone yelled and screamed like in a normal game

like in a normal game but then everyone said and there was

but then everyone said and there was absolute silence

absolute silence just as our hated opponent stopped

just as our hated opponent stopped dribbling and prepared for his shot

dribbling and prepared for his shot the colonel stood up and screamed

the colonel stood up and screamed something like

something like for the love of god please shave your

for the love of god please shave your back hair

back hair or i need to be saved can you minister

or i need to be saved can you minister to me after you're shot toward the end

to me after you're shot toward the end of the third quarter

of the third quarter the christian school coach called a

the christian school coach called a timeout and complained to the ref about

timeout and complained to the ref about the colonel

the colonel pointing at him angrily we were down

pointing at him angrily we were down 56-13

56-13 the colonel stood up what you have a

the colonel stood up what you have a problem with me

problem with me the coach screamed you're bothering my

the coach screamed you're bothering my players

players that's the point sherlock the colonel

that's the point sherlock the colonel screamed back

screamed back the ref came over and kicked him out of

the ref came over and kicked him out of the gym i followed him

the gym i followed him i've gotten thrown out of 37 straight

i've gotten thrown out of 37 straight games

games he said damn yeah once or twice i've had

he said damn yeah once or twice i've had to go

to go really crazy i ran onto the court with

really crazy i ran onto the court with 11 seconds left once and stole the ball

11 seconds left once and stole the ball from the other team

from the other team it wasn't pretty but you know i have a

it wasn't pretty but you know i have a streak to maintain

streak to maintain the colonel ran ahead of me gleeful at

the colonel ran ahead of me gleeful at his ejection and i jogged after him

his ejection and i jogged after him trailing in his wake

trailing in his wake i wanted to be one of those people who

i wanted to be one of those people who have streaks to maintain

have streaks to maintain who scorched the ground with their

who scorched the ground with their intensity but for now

intensity but for now at least i knew such people and they

at least i knew such people and they needed me

needed me just like comets need tails

the next day dr hyde asked me to stay after class

after class standing before him i realized for the

standing before him i realized for the first time how hunched his shoulders

first time how hunched his shoulders were

were and he seemed suddenly sad and kind of

and he seemed suddenly sad and kind of old

old you like this class don't you he asked

you like this class don't you he asked yes sir you've got a lifetime to mull

yes sir you've got a lifetime to mull over the buddhist understanding of

over the buddhist understanding of interconnectedness

interconnectedness he spoke every sentence as if he'd

he spoke every sentence as if he'd written it down memorized it and was now

written it down memorized it and was now reciting it

reciting it but while you were looking out the

but while you were looking out the window you missed the chance to explore

window you missed the chance to explore the

the equally interesting buddhist belief in

equally interesting buddhist belief in being present for

being present for every facet of your daily life of being

every facet of your daily life of being truly

truly present be present in this

present be present in this class and then when it's over

class and then when it's over be present out there he said

be present out there he said nodding toward the lake and beyond

nodding toward the lake and beyond yes sir

on the first morning of october i knew something was wrong as soon as i woke up

something was wrong as soon as i woke up enough to turn off the alarm clock

enough to turn off the alarm clock the bed didn't smell right and i didn't

the bed didn't smell right and i didn't feel right

feel right it took me a groggy minute before i

it took me a groggy minute before i realized i felt

realized i felt cold well at the very least the small

cold well at the very least the small fan clipped to my bunk seemed suddenly

fan clipped to my bunk seemed suddenly unnecessary

unnecessary it's cold i shouted oh

it's cold i shouted oh god what time is it i heard above me

god what time is it i heard above me 804 i said the colonel who didn't have

804 i said the colonel who didn't have an alarm clock but

an alarm clock but almost always woke up to take a shower

almost always woke up to take a shower before mine went off

before mine went off swung his short legs over the side of

swung his short legs over the side of the bed jumped down and dashed to his

the bed jumped down and dashed to his dresser

dresser i suppose i missed my window of

i suppose i missed my window of opportunity to shower he said as he put

opportunity to shower he said as he put on a green cobra creek basketball

on a green cobra creek basketball t-shirt

t-shirt and a pair of shorts oh well there's

and a pair of shorts oh well there's always tomorrow

always tomorrow and it's not cold it's probably eighty

and it's not cold it's probably eighty grateful to have slept fully dressed i

grateful to have slept fully dressed i just put on shoes

just put on shoes and the colonel and i jogged to the

and the colonel and i jogged to the classrooms i slid into my seat with 20

classrooms i slid into my seat with 20 seconds to spare

seconds to spare halfway through class madame o'malley

halfway through class madame o'malley turned around to write something in

turned around to write something in french on the blackboard

french on the blackboard and alaska passed me a note nice bed

and alaska passed me a note nice bed head

head study at mcdonald's for lunch our first

study at mcdonald's for lunch our first significant pre-calc

significant pre-calc test was only two days away so alaska

test was only two days away so alaska grabbed the six pre-calc kids she did

grabbed the six pre-calc kids she did not consider weekday warriors

not consider weekday warriors and piled us into her tiny blue two door

and piled us into her tiny blue two door by happy coincidence a cute sophomore

by happy coincidence a cute sophomore named

named lara ended up sitting on my lap laura

lara ended up sitting on my lap laura had been born in

had been born in russia or someplace and she spoke with a

russia or someplace and she spoke with a slight accent

slight accent since we were only four layers of

since we were only four layers of clothes from doing it

clothes from doing it i took the opportunity to introduce

i took the opportunity to introduce myself

myself i know who you are she smiled you're

i know who you are she smiled you're alaska's friend from florida

alaska's friend from florida yep get ready for a lot of dumb

yep get ready for a lot of dumb questions because i suck at pre-calc i

questions because i suck at pre-calc i said

said she started to answer but then she was

she started to answer but then she was thrown back against me as alaska

thrown back against me as alaska shot out of the parking lot kids

shot out of the parking lot kids meet blue citrus so name because she is

meet blue citrus so name because she is a lemon

a lemon alaska said blue citrus meet the kids if

alaska said blue citrus meet the kids if you can find them you might want to

you can find them you might want to fasten your seat belts

fasten your seat belts pudge you might want to serve as a seat

pudge you might want to serve as a seat belt for lara

belt for lara what the car lacked in speed alaska made

what the car lacked in speed alaska made up for

up for by refusing to move her foot from the

by refusing to move her foot from the accelerator damn the consequences

accelerator damn the consequences before we even got off campus lara was

before we even got off campus lara was lurching helplessly whenever alaska took

lurching helplessly whenever alaska took hard turns

hard turns so i took alaska's advice and wrapped my

so i took alaska's advice and wrapped my arms around lara's waist

arms around lara's waist thanks she said almost inaudibly after a

thanks she said almost inaudibly after a fast if reckless three miles to

fast if reckless three miles to mcdonald's

mcdonald's we ordered seven large french fries to

we ordered seven large french fries to share and then went outside and sat on

share and then went outside and sat on the lawn

the lawn we sat in a circle around the trays of

we sat in a circle around the trays of fries and alaska taught class

fries and alaska taught class smoking while she ate like any good

smoking while she ate like any good teacher

teacher she tolerated little dissension she

she tolerated little dissension she smoked and talked and ate for an

smoked and talked and ate for an hour without stopping and i scribbled in

hour without stopping and i scribbled in my notebook as the muddy waters of

my notebook as the muddy waters of tangents and cosines began to clarify

tangents and cosines began to clarify but

but not everyone was so fortunate as alaska

not everyone was so fortunate as alaska zipped through something obvious about

zipped through something obvious about linear equations

linear equations stoner baller hank walston said wait

stoner baller hank walston said wait wait i don't get it that's because you

wait i don't get it that's because you have eight functioning brain cells

have eight functioning brain cells studies show that marijuana is better

studies show that marijuana is better for your health than those

for your health than those cigarettes hank said alaska swallowed a

cigarettes hank said alaska swallowed a mouthful of french fries

mouthful of french fries took a drag on her cigarette and blew

took a drag on her cigarette and blew smoke at hank

smoke at hank i may die young she said but at least

i may die young she said but at least i'll die smart

i'll die smart now back to tangents

100 days before not to ask the obvious question but why

not to ask the obvious question but why alaska

alaska i asked i've just gotten my pre-calc

i asked i've just gotten my pre-calc test back

test back and i was awash with admiration for

and i was awash with admiration for alaska since her tutoring had paved my

alaska since her tutoring had paved my way to a b

way to a b plus she and i sat alone in the tv

plus she and i sat alone in the tv lounge watching mtv on a drearily cloudy

lounge watching mtv on a drearily cloudy saturday

saturday furnished with couches left behind by

furnished with couches left behind by previous generations of culver creek

previous generations of culver creek students

students the tv room had the musty air of dust

the tv room had the musty air of dust and mildew

and mildew and perhaps for that reason was almost

and perhaps for that reason was almost perennially unoccupied

perennially unoccupied alaska took a sip of mountain dew and

alaska took a sip of mountain dew and grabbed my hand in hers

grabbed my hand in hers always comes up eventually alright so

always comes up eventually alright so my mom was something of a hippie when i

my mom was something of a hippie when i was a kid you know wore oversized

was a kid you know wore oversized sweaters

sweaters she knitted herself smoked a lot of pod

she knitted herself smoked a lot of pod etc

etc and my dad was a real republican type

and my dad was a real republican type and so when i was born

and so when i was born my mom wanted to name me harmony springs

my mom wanted to name me harmony springs young and my dad

young and my dad wanted to name me mary frances young as

wanted to name me mary frances young as she talked

she talked she bobbed her head back and forth to

she bobbed her head back and forth to the mtv music even though the song was

the mtv music even though the song was the kind of manufactured pop ballad she

the kind of manufactured pop ballad she professed to hate

professed to hate so instead of naming me harmony or mary

so instead of naming me harmony or mary they agreed to let me decide

they agreed to let me decide so when i was little they called me mary

so when i was little they called me mary i mean they called me sweetie or

i mean they called me sweetie or whatever but like on school forms and

whatever but like on school forms and stuff they wrote mary young

stuff they wrote mary young and then on my seventh birthday my

and then on my seventh birthday my present was that i got to pick my name

present was that i got to pick my name cool huh so i spent the whole day

cool huh so i spent the whole day looking at my dad's globe for a really

looking at my dad's globe for a really cool name

cool name and so my first choice was chad like the

and so my first choice was chad like the country in africa but then my dad said

country in africa but then my dad said that was a boy's name

that was a boy's name so i picked alaska i wish my parents had

so i picked alaska i wish my parents had let me pick my name

let me pick my name but they went ahead and picked the only

but they went ahead and picked the only name first-born male halters have had

name first-born male halters have had for a century

for a century but why alaska i asked her

but why alaska i asked her she smiled with the right side of her

she smiled with the right side of her mouth well

mouth well later i found out what it means it's

later i found out what it means it's from an elute word

from an elute word alieska it means that which the sea

alieska it means that which the sea breaks against and i love that but at

breaks against and i love that but at the time i just saw alaska up there and

the time i just saw alaska up there and it was

it was big just like i wanted to be and it was

big just like i wanted to be and it was damn far away from vine station alabama

damn far away from vine station alabama just like i wanted to be

just like i wanted to be i laughed and now you're all grown up

i laughed and now you're all grown up and fairly far away from home i said

and fairly far away from home i said smiling so congratulations she stopped

smiling so congratulations she stopped the head bobbing and let go of my

the head bobbing and let go of my unfortunately sweaty hand

getting out isn't that easy she said seriously

seriously her eyes on mine like i knew the way out

her eyes on mine like i knew the way out and wouldn't tell her

and wouldn't tell her and then she seemed to switch

and then she seemed to switch conversational horses in midstream

conversational horses in midstream like after college know what i want to

like after college know what i want to do teach disabled kids

do teach disabled kids i'm a good teacher right if i can

i'm a good teacher right if i can teach you pre-calc i can teach anybody

teach you pre-calc i can teach anybody like maybe kids with autism she talked

like maybe kids with autism she talked softly and thoughtfully

softly and thoughtfully like she was telling me a secret and i

like she was telling me a secret and i leaned in toward her suddenly

leaned in toward her suddenly overwhelmed with the feeling that we

overwhelmed with the feeling that we must kiss that we ought to kiss right

must kiss that we ought to kiss right now on the dusty orange couch with its

now on the dusty orange couch with its cigarette burns and its decades of

cigarette burns and its decades of collected dust

collected dust and i would have i would have kept

and i would have i would have kept leaning toward her until it became

leaning toward her until it became necessary to tilt my face so as to miss

necessary to tilt my face so as to miss her ski slope nose

her ski slope nose and i would have felt the shock of her

and i would have felt the shock of her so soft lips

so soft lips i would have but then she snapped out of

i would have but then she snapped out of it

it no she said and i couldn't tell at first

no she said and i couldn't tell at first whether she was reading my kiss-obsessed

whether she was reading my kiss-obsessed mind or responding to herself

mind or responding to herself out loud she turned away from me and

out loud she turned away from me and softly maybe to herself said

softly maybe to herself said jesus i'm not gonna be one of those

jesus i'm not gonna be one of those people who sits around talking about

people who sits around talking about what they're gonna do

what they're gonna do i'm just gonna do it imagining the

i'm just gonna do it imagining the future is a

future is a kind of nostalgia huh

kind of nostalgia huh i asked you spend your whole life stuck

i asked you spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth

in the labyrinth thinking about how you'll escape it one

thinking about how you'll escape it one day and how awesome it'll be

day and how awesome it'll be and imagining that future keeps you

and imagining that future keeps you going but you never do it

going but you never do it you just use the future to escape the

you just use the future to escape the present

present i guess that made sense i had imagined

i guess that made sense i had imagined that life at the creek would be a bit

that life at the creek would be a bit more exciting than it was

more exciting than it was in reality there had been more homework

in reality there had been more homework than adventure but if i hadn't imagined

than adventure but if i hadn't imagined it

it i would never have gotten to the creek

i would never have gotten to the creek at all she turned back to the tv

at all she turned back to the tv a commercial for a car now and made a

a commercial for a car now and made a joke about blue citrus needing its own

joke about blue citrus needing its own car commercial

car commercial mimicking the deep voiced passion of the

mimicking the deep voiced passion of the commercial voiceovers

commercial voiceovers she said it's small it's slow and it's

she said it's small it's slow and it's shitty but it runs

shitty but it runs sometimes blue citrus see your local

sometimes blue citrus see your local used car dealer

used car dealer but i wanted to talk more about her and

but i wanted to talk more about her and vine station

vine station and the future sometimes i don't get you

and the future sometimes i don't get you i said she didn't even glance at me

i said she didn't even glance at me she just smiled toward the television

she just smiled toward the television and said you never

and said you never get me that's the whole point

i spent most of the next day lying in bed immersed in the miserably

bed immersed in the miserably uninteresting fictional world of ethan

uninteresting fictional world of ethan from while the colonel sat at his desk

from while the colonel sat at his desk unraveling the secrets of differential

unraveling the secrets of differential equations or something

equations or something although we tried to ration our smoke

although we tried to ration our smoke breaks amid the shower's steam

breaks amid the shower's steam we ran out of cigarettes before dark

we ran out of cigarettes before dark necessitating a trip to alaska's room

necessitating a trip to alaska's room she lay on the floor holding a book over

she lay on the floor holding a book over her head

her head let's go smoke he said you're out of

let's go smoke he said you're out of cigarettes aren't you

cigarettes aren't you she asked without looking up well yes

she asked without looking up well yes got five bucks she asked nope

got five bucks she asked nope pudge she asked yeah

pudge she asked yeah all right i fished a five out of my

all right i fished a five out of my pocket and alaska handed me a pack of 20

pocket and alaska handed me a pack of 20 marlboro lights

marlboro lights i knew i'd smoke maybe five of them but

i knew i'd smoke maybe five of them but so long as i subsidized the colonel's

so long as i subsidized the colonel's smoking

smoking he couldn't really attack me for being

he couldn't really attack me for being another rich kid a weekday warrior who

another rich kid a weekday warrior who just didn't happen to live in birmingham

just didn't happen to live in birmingham we grabbed takumi and walked down to the

we grabbed takumi and walked down to the lake hiding behind a few trees

lake hiding behind a few trees laughing the colonel blew smoke rings

laughing the colonel blew smoke rings and takumi called them pretentious

and takumi called them pretentious while alaska followed the smoke rings

while alaska followed the smoke rings with her fingers stabbing at them like a

with her fingers stabbing at them like a kid

kid trying to pop bubbles and then we heard

trying to pop bubbles and then we heard a branch break

a branch break it might have been a deer but the

it might have been a deer but the colonel busted out anyway

colonel busted out anyway a voice directly behind us said don't

a voice directly behind us said don't run chipper and the colonel stopped

run chipper and the colonel stopped turned around and returned to us

turned around and returned to us sheepishly

sheepishly the eagle walked toward us slowly his

the eagle walked toward us slowly his lips

lips pursed in disgust he wore a white shirt

pursed in disgust he wore a white shirt and a black tie like always

and a black tie like always he gave each of us in turn the look of

he gave each of us in turn the look of doom

doom [Music]

[Music] you all smell like a north carolina

you all smell like a north carolina tobacco field in a wildfire

tobacco field in a wildfire he said we stood silent i felt

he said we stood silent i felt disproportionately terrible

disproportionately terrible like i had just been caught fleeing the

like i had just been caught fleeing the scene of a murder

scene of a murder would he call my parents i'll see you in

would he call my parents i'll see you in jury tomorrow at five

jury tomorrow at five he announced and then walked away alaska

he announced and then walked away alaska crouched down

crouched down picked up the cigarette she had thrown

picked up the cigarette she had thrown away and started smoking again

away and started smoking again the eagle wheeled around his sixth sense

the eagle wheeled around his sixth sense detecting insubordination to authority

detecting insubordination to authority figures

figures alaska dropped the cigarette and stepped

alaska dropped the cigarette and stepped on it the eagle shook his head

on it the eagle shook his head and even though he must have been crazy

and even though he must have been crazy mad i swear to god

mad i swear to god he smiled he loves me

he smiled he loves me alaska told me as we walked back to the

alaska told me as we walked back to the dorm circle he loves you all too

dorm circle he loves you all too he just loves the school more that's the

he just loves the school more that's the thing he thinks busting us is good for

thing he thinks busting us is good for the school

the school and good for us it's the eternal

and good for us it's the eternal struggle pudge the good versus the

struggle pudge the good versus the naughty

naughty you're awfully philosophical for a girl

you're awfully philosophical for a girl that just got busted

that just got busted i told her sometimes you lose a battle

i told her sometimes you lose a battle but mischief always wins the war

98 days before one of the unique things about culver creek was the jury

about culver creek was the jury every semester the faculty elected 12

every semester the faculty elected 12 students three from each class to serve

students three from each class to serve on the jury

on the jury the jury meted out punishment for

the jury meted out punishment for non-expellable offenses

non-expellable offenses for everything from staying out past

for everything from staying out past curfew to smoking

curfew to smoking usually it was smoking or being in a

usually it was smoking or being in a girl's room after seven

girl's room after seven so you went to the jury you made your

so you went to the jury you made your case and they punished you

case and they punished you the eagle served as the judge and he had

the eagle served as the judge and he had the right to overturn the jury's verdict

the right to overturn the jury's verdict just like in the real american court

just like in the real american court system but he almost never did

system but he almost never did i made my way to classroom 4 right after

i made my way to classroom 4 right after my last class 40 minutes early just to

my last class 40 minutes early just to be safe

be safe i sat in the hall with my back against

i sat in the hall with my back against the wall and read my american history

the wall and read my american history textbook

textbook kind of remedial reading for me to be

kind of remedial reading for me to be honest until alaska showed up and sat

honest until alaska showed up and sat down next to me

down next to me she was chewing on her bottom lip and i

she was chewing on her bottom lip and i asked whether she was nervous

asked whether she was nervous well yeah listen just sit tight and

well yeah listen just sit tight and don't

don't talk she told me you don't need to be

talk she told me you don't need to be nervous

nervous but this is the seventh time i've been

but this is the seventh time i've been caught smoking i just don't want

caught smoking i just don't want whatever i just don't want to upset my

whatever i just don't want to upset my dad

dad does your mom smoke or something i asked

does your mom smoke or something i asked not anymore alaska said it's fine you'll

not anymore alaska said it's fine you'll be fine

be fine i didn't start to worry until it got to

i didn't start to worry until it got to be 4 50 and the colonel and takumi were

be 4 50 and the colonel and takumi were still unaccounted for

still unaccounted for the members of the jury filed in one by

the members of the jury filed in one by one walking past us without any eye

one walking past us without any eye contact which made me feel worse

contact which made me feel worse i counted all 12 by 456 plus the eagle

i counted all 12 by 456 plus the eagle at 4 58 the colonel and takumi rounded

at 4 58 the colonel and takumi rounded the corner toward the classrooms

the corner toward the classrooms i never saw anything like it takumi wore

i never saw anything like it takumi wore a starched white shirt with a red tie

a starched white shirt with a red tie and a black paisley print

and a black paisley print the colonel wore his wrinkled pink

the colonel wore his wrinkled pink button down and flamingo tie

button down and flamingo tie they walked in step heads up and

they walked in step heads up and shoulders back like some kind of action

shoulders back like some kind of action movie heroes

movie heroes i heard alaska sigh the colonel's doing

i heard alaska sigh the colonel's doing his napoleon walk

his napoleon walk it's all good the colonel told me just

it's all good the colonel told me just don't say

don't say anything we walked in two of us wearing

anything we walked in two of us wearing ties and two of us wearing ratty

ties and two of us wearing ratty t-shirts

t-shirts and the eagle banged an honest-to-god

and the eagle banged an honest-to-god gavel against the podium in front of him

gavel against the podium in front of him the jury sat in a line behind a

the jury sat in a line behind a rectangular table

rectangular table at the front of the room by the

at the front of the room by the blackboard were four chairs we sat down

blackboard were four chairs we sat down and the colonel explained exactly what

and the colonel explained exactly what happened

happened alaska and i were smoking down by the

alaska and i were smoking down by the lake we usually go off campus but we

lake we usually go off campus but we forgot

forgot we're sorry it won't happen again i

we're sorry it won't happen again i didn't know what was going on

didn't know what was going on but i knew my job sit tight and shut up

but i knew my job sit tight and shut up one of the kids looked at the kumi and

one of the kids looked at the kumi and asked what about you and halter

asked what about you and halter we were keeping them company takumi said

we were keeping them company takumi said calmly

calmly the kid turned to the eagle then and

the kid turned to the eagle then and asked did you see anyone smoking

asked did you see anyone smoking i only saw alaska but chip ran away

i only saw alaska but chip ran away which struck me as cowardly as does

which struck me as cowardly as does miles and takumi's awe

miles and takumi's awe shucks routine the eagle said giving me

shucks routine the eagle said giving me the look of doom

the look of doom i didn't want to look guilty but i

i didn't want to look guilty but i couldn't hold his stare so i just looked

couldn't hold his stare so i just looked down at my hands

down at my hands the colonel gritted his teeth like it

the colonel gritted his teeth like it pained him to lie

pained him to lie it is the truth sir the eagle asked if

it is the truth sir the eagle asked if any of us wanted to say anything

any of us wanted to say anything and then asked if there were any more

and then asked if there were any more questions and then sent us outside

questions and then sent us outside what the hell was that i asked akumi

what the hell was that i asked akumi when we got outside

when we got outside just sit tight pudge why have alaska

just sit tight pudge why have alaska confess when she'd already been in

confess when she'd already been in trouble so many times

trouble so many times why the colonel who literally couldn't

why the colonel who literally couldn't afford to get in serious trouble

afford to get in serious trouble why not me i'd never been busted for

why not me i'd never been busted for anything i had the least to lose

anything i had the least to lose after a couple minutes the eagle came

after a couple minutes the eagle came out and motioned for us to come back

out and motioned for us to come back inside

inside alaska and chip a member of the jury

alaska and chip a member of the jury said you get 10 work hours

said you get 10 work hours doing dishes in the cafeteria and you're

doing dishes in the cafeteria and you're both officially one

both officially one problem away from a phone call home

problem away from a phone call home takumi and miles

takumi and miles there's nothing in the rules about

there's nothing in the rules about watching someone smoke

watching someone smoke but the jury will remember your story if

but the jury will remember your story if you break the rules again

you break the rules again fair fair alaska said quickly obviously

fair fair alaska said quickly obviously relieved

relieved on my way out the eagle spun me around

on my way out the eagle spun me around don't abuse your privileges at this

don't abuse your privileges at this school young man

school young man or you will regret it i nodded

89 days before we found you a girlfriend alaska said to me still no one had

alaska said to me still no one had explained to me what happened the week

explained to me what happened the week before with the jury

before with the jury it didn't seem to have affected alaska

it didn't seem to have affected alaska though who was one

though who was one in our room after dark with the door

in our room after dark with the door closed and two smoking a cigarette

closed and two smoking a cigarette as she sat on the mostly foam couch she

as she sat on the mostly foam couch she had stuffed a towel into the bottom of

had stuffed a towel into the bottom of our door and insisted it was safe but i

our door and insisted it was safe but i worried

worried about the cigarette and the girlfriend

about the cigarette and the girlfriend all i have to do now she said is

all i have to do now she said is convince you to like her

convince you to like her and convince her to like you

and convince her to like you tasks the colonel pointed out he lay on

tasks the colonel pointed out he lay on the top bunk reading for his english

the top bunk reading for his english class

class moby dick how can you read and talk at

moby dick how can you read and talk at the same time

the same time i asked well i usually can't but

i asked well i usually can't but neither the book nor the conversation is

neither the book nor the conversation is particularly intellectually challenging

particularly intellectually challenging i like that book alaska said

i like that book alaska said yes the colonel smiled and leaned over

yes the colonel smiled and leaned over to look at her from his top bunk

to look at her from his top bunk you would big white whale is a metaphor

you would big white whale is a metaphor for everything you live for pretentious

for everything you live for pretentious metaphors

metaphors alaska was unfazed so pudge

alaska was unfazed so pudge what's your feeling on the former soviet

what's your feeling on the former soviet bloc

bloc um i'm in favor of it she flicked the

um i'm in favor of it she flicked the ashes of her cigarette into my pencil

ashes of her cigarette into my pencil holder

holder i almost protested but why bother

i almost protested but why bother you know that girl in our precalc class

you know that girl in our precalc class alaska said

alaska said soft voice says these not this know that

soft voice says these not this know that girl

girl yeah lara she sat on my lap on the way

yeah lara she sat on my lap on the way to mcdonald's

to mcdonald's right i know and she liked you you

right i know and she liked you you thought she was quietly discussing

thought she was quietly discussing pre-calc when she was clearly talking

pre-calc when she was clearly talking about having hot sex with you

about having hot sex with you which is why you need me she has

which is why you need me she has great breasts the colonel said without

great breasts the colonel said without looking up from the whale

looking up from the whale do not objectify women's bodies alaska

do not objectify women's bodies alaska shouted

shouted now he looked up sorry

now he looked up sorry perky breasts that's not any better

perky breasts that's not any better sure it is he said great is a judgment

sure it is he said great is a judgment on a woman's body

on a woman's body perky is merely an observation they are

perky is merely an observation they are perky i mean christ

perky i mean christ you're hopeless she said so she thinks

you're hopeless she said so she thinks you're cute

you're cute pudge nice it doesn't mean anything

pudge nice it doesn't mean anything problem with you is that if you talk to

problem with you is that if you talk to her you'll uh um

her you'll uh um uh your way to disaster don't be so hard

uh your way to disaster don't be so hard on him the colonel interrupted as if he

on him the colonel interrupted as if he was my mom

was my mom god i understand whale anatomy can we

god i understand whale anatomy can we move

move on now herman so jake is going to be in

on now herman so jake is going to be in birmingham this weekend and we're going

birmingham this weekend and we're going on a triple date

on a triple date well triple and a half since takumi will

well triple and a half since takumi will be there too very low pressure you won't

be there too very low pressure you won't be able to screw up because i'll be

be able to screw up because i'll be there the whole time

there the whole time okay who's my date the colonel asked

okay who's my date the colonel asked your girlfriend is your date all right

your girlfriend is your date all right he said and then deadpanned

he said and then deadpanned but we don't get along very well so

but we don't get along very well so friday do you have plans for friday

friday do you have plans for friday and then i laughed because the colonel

and then i laughed because the colonel and i didn't have plans for this friday

and i didn't have plans for this friday or for any other friday for the rest of

or for any other friday for the rest of our lives

our lives i didn't think so she smiled now we

i didn't think so she smiled now we gotta go do dishes in the cafeteria

gotta go do dishes in the cafeteria chipper

chipper god the sacrifices i make

87 days before our triple and a half date started off

our triple and a half date started off well enough i was in alaska's room for

well enough i was in alaska's room for the sake of getting me a girlfriend

the sake of getting me a girlfriend she'd agreed to iron a green button-down

she'd agreed to iron a green button-down shirt for me

shirt for me when jake showed up with blonde hair to

when jake showed up with blonde hair to his shoulders

his shoulders dark stubble on his cheeks and the kind

dark stubble on his cheeks and the kind of faux ruggedness that gets you a

of faux ruggedness that gets you a career as a catalog model

career as a catalog model jake was every bit as good looking as

jake was every bit as good looking as you'd expect alaska's boyfriend to be

you'd expect alaska's boyfriend to be she jumped onto him and wrapped her legs

she jumped onto him and wrapped her legs around him

around him god forbid anyone ever does that to me i

god forbid anyone ever does that to me i thought i'll fall over

thought i'll fall over i'd heard alaska talk about kissing but

i'd heard alaska talk about kissing but i'd never seen her kiss until then

i'd never seen her kiss until then as he held her by her waist she leaned

as he held her by her waist she leaned forward her pouty lips parted

forward her pouty lips parted her head just slightly tilted and

her head just slightly tilted and enveloped his mouth with such

enveloped his mouth with such passion that i felt i should look away

passion that i felt i should look away but couldn't a good

but couldn't a good while later she untangled herself from

while later she untangled herself from jake and introduced me

jake and introduced me this is pudge she said jake and i shook

this is pudge she said jake and i shook hands

hands i've heard a lot about you he spoke with

i've heard a lot about you he spoke with a slight southern accent one of the few

a slight southern accent one of the few i'd heard outside of mcdonald's

i'd heard outside of mcdonald's i hope your date works out tonight

i hope your date works out tonight because i wouldn't want you stealing

because i wouldn't want you stealing alaska out from under me

alaska out from under me god you're so adorable alaska said

god you're so adorable alaska said before i could answer

before i could answer kissing him again i'm sorry she laughed

kissing him again i'm sorry she laughed i just can't seem to stop kissing my

i just can't seem to stop kissing my boyfriend

boyfriend i put on my freshly starched green shirt

i put on my freshly starched green shirt and the three of us gathered up the

and the three of us gathered up the colonel

colonel sarah lara and takumi and then walked to

sarah lara and takumi and then walked to the gym to watch the culver creek

the gym to watch the culver creek nothings take on harsdon academy

nothings take on harsdon academy a private day school in mountain brook

a private day school in mountain brook birmingham's richest suburb

birmingham's richest suburb the colonel's hatred for harsdon burned

the colonel's hatred for harsdon burned with the fire of a thousand sons

with the fire of a thousand sons the only thing i hate more than rich

the only thing i hate more than rich people he told me as we walked to the

people he told me as we walked to the gym

gym is stupid people and all the kids at

is stupid people and all the kids at hearthstone are rich

hearthstone are rich and they're all too stupid to get into

and they're all too stupid to get into the creek

the creek since we were supposed to be on a date

since we were supposed to be on a date and all i thought i'd sit next to lara

and all i thought i'd sit next to lara at the game

at the game but as i tried to walk past a seated

but as i tried to walk past a seated alaska on my way to lara

alaska on my way to lara alaska shot me a look and patted the

alaska shot me a look and patted the empty spot next to her on the bleachers

empty spot next to her on the bleachers i'm not allowed to sit next to my date i

i'm not allowed to sit next to my date i asked

asked pudge one of us has been a girl her

pudge one of us has been a girl her whole life the other of us has never

whole life the other of us has never gotten to second base if i were you

gotten to second base if i were you i'd sit down look cute and be your

i'd sit down look cute and be your pleasantly aloof self

pleasantly aloof self okay whatever you say

okay whatever you say jake said that's pretty much my strategy

jake said that's pretty much my strategy for pleasing alaska

for pleasing alaska oh she said so sweet pudge did i tell

oh she said so sweet pudge did i tell you that jake is recording an album with

you that jake is recording an album with his band

his band they're fantastic they're like radiohead

they're fantastic they're like radiohead meets the flaming lips

meets the flaming lips did i tell you that i came up with their

did i tell you that i came up with their name hickman territory

name hickman territory and then realizing she was being silly

and then realizing she was being silly did i tell you that jake is hung like a

did i tell you that jake is hung like a horse and a beautiful sensual lover

horse and a beautiful sensual lover baby jesus jake smiled not in front of

baby jesus jake smiled not in front of the kids

the kids i wanted to hate jake of course but as i

i wanted to hate jake of course but as i watched them together

watched them together smiling and fumbling all over each other

smiling and fumbling all over each other i didn't hate him

i didn't hate him i wanted to be him sure but i tried to

i wanted to be him sure but i tried to remember i was ostensibly on a date with

remember i was ostensibly on a date with someone else

someone else hearthstone academy's star player was a

hearthstone academy's star player was a six foot seven goliath named travis

six foot seven goliath named travis eastman that everyone even his mother i

eastman that everyone even his mother i suspect

suspect called the beast the first time the

called the beast the first time the beast got to the free throw line

beast got to the free throw line the colonel could not keep himself from

the colonel could not keep himself from swearing while he taunted

swearing while he taunted you owe everything to your daddy you

you owe everything to your daddy you stupid redneck bastard

stupid redneck bastard the beast turned around and glared and

the beast turned around and glared and the colonel almost got kicked out after

the colonel almost got kicked out after the first free throw

the first free throw but he smiled at the ref and said sorry

but he smiled at the ref and said sorry i want to stay around for a good part of

i want to stay around for a good part of this one he said to me

this one he said to me at the start of the second half with the

at the start of the second half with the creek down by a surprisingly slim margin

creek down by a surprisingly slim margin of 24 points

of 24 points and the beast at the foul line the

and the beast at the foul line the colonel looked at takumi

colonel looked at takumi and said it's time takumi and the

and said it's time takumi and the colonel

colonel stood up as the crowd went shh

stood up as the crowd went shh i don't know if this is the best time to

i don't know if this is the best time to tell you this

tell you this the colonel shouted at the beast but

the colonel shouted at the beast but takumi here hooked up with your

takumi here hooked up with your girlfriend just before the game

girlfriend just before the game that made everyone laugh except the

that made everyone laugh except the beast who turned from the free throw

beast who turned from the free throw line

line and walked calmly with the ball toward

and walked calmly with the ball toward us

us i think we run now takumi said

i think we run now takumi said i haven't gotten kicked out the colonel

i haven't gotten kicked out the colonel answered

answered later takumi said i don't know whether

later takumi said i don't know whether it was the general anxiety of being on a

it was the general anxiety of being on a date

date albeit one with my would-be date sitting

albeit one with my would-be date sitting five people away from me

five people away from me or the specific anxiety of having the

or the specific anxiety of having the beast stare in my direction

beast stare in my direction but for some reason i took off running

but for some reason i took off running after takumi

after takumi i thought we were in the clear as we

i thought we were in the clear as we began to round the corner of the

began to round the corner of the bleachers

bleachers but then i saw out of the corner of my

but then i saw out of the corner of my eye a cylindrical orange object

eye a cylindrical orange object getting bigger and bigger like a fast

getting bigger and bigger like a fast approaching sun

approaching sun i thought i think that is going to hit

i thought i think that is going to hit me

me i thought i should duck but

i thought i should duck but in the time between when something gets

in the time between when something gets thought and when it gets done

thought and when it gets done the ball hit me square across the side

the ball hit me square across the side of the face

of the face i fell the back of my head slamming

i fell the back of my head slamming against the gym floor

against the gym floor i then stood up immediately as if on

i then stood up immediately as if on hurt and left the gym

hurt and left the gym pride had gotten me off the floor of the

pride had gotten me off the floor of the gym but as soon as i was outside i sat

gym but as soon as i was outside i sat down

down i am concussed i announced entirely sure

i am concussed i announced entirely sure of my self-diagnosis

of my self-diagnosis you're fine takumi said as he jogged

you're fine takumi said as he jogged back toward me

back toward me let's get out of here before we're

let's get out of here before we're killed i'm sorry

killed i'm sorry i said but i can't get up i have

i said but i can't get up i have suffered

suffered a mild concussion lara ran out and sat

a mild concussion lara ran out and sat down next to me

down next to me are you okay i am concussed

are you okay i am concussed i said takumi sat down with me and

i said takumi sat down with me and looked me in the eye

looked me in the eye do you know what happened to you the

do you know what happened to you the beast

beast got me do you know where you are

got me do you know where you are i'm on a triple and a half date you're

i'm on a triple and a half date you're fine

fine takumi said let's go and then i leaned

takumi said let's go and then i leaned forward

forward and threw up onto lara's pants i can't

and threw up onto lara's pants i can't say why i didn't lean backward or to the

say why i didn't lean backward or to the side

side i leaned forward and aimed my mouth

i leaned forward and aimed my mouth toward her jeans

toward her jeans a nice butt flattering pair of jeans the

a nice butt flattering pair of jeans the kind of pants a girl wears when she

kind of pants a girl wears when she wants to look nice but

wants to look nice but not look like she's trying to look nice

not look like she's trying to look nice and i threw up

and i threw up all over them mostly peanut butter but

all over them mostly peanut butter but also

also clearly some corn oh

clearly some corn oh she said surprised and slightly

she said surprised and slightly horrified

horrified oh god i said i'm so sorry

oh god i said i'm so sorry i think you might have a concussion

i think you might have a concussion takumi said as if the idea had never

takumi said as if the idea had never been suggested

been suggested i am suffering from the nausea and

i am suffering from the nausea and dizziness typically associated with a

dizziness typically associated with a mild concussion

mild concussion i recited while takumi went to get the

i recited while takumi went to get the eagle and lara

eagle and lara changed pants i lay on the concrete

changed pants i lay on the concrete sidewalk

sidewalk the eagle came back with the school

the eagle came back with the school nurse who diagnosed me with

nurse who diagnosed me with get this a concussion and then takumi

get this a concussion and then takumi drove me to the hospital with lara

drove me to the hospital with lara riding shotgun

riding shotgun apparently i lay in the back and slowly

apparently i lay in the back and slowly repeated the words

repeated the words the symptoms generally associated

the symptoms generally associated with concussion so i spent my date at

with concussion so i spent my date at the hospital with lara and takumi

the hospital with lara and takumi the doctor told me to go home and sleep

the doctor told me to go home and sleep a lot but to make sure

a lot but to make sure and have someone wake me up every four

and have someone wake me up every four hours or so

hours or so i vaguely remember laura standing in the

i vaguely remember laura standing in the doorway

doorway the room dark and the outside dark and

the room dark and the outside dark and everything mild and comfortable

everything mild and comfortable but sort of spinny the world pulsing as

but sort of spinny the world pulsing as if from a heavy base beat

if from a heavy base beat and i vaguely remember laura smiling at

and i vaguely remember laura smiling at me from the doorway

me from the doorway the glittering ambiguity of a girl's

the glittering ambiguity of a girl's smile which seems to promise an

smile which seems to promise an answer to the question but never gives

answer to the question but never gives it the

it the question the one we've all been asking

question the one we've all been asking since girls

since girls stopped being gross the question that is

stopped being gross the question that is too simple to be uncomplicated

too simple to be uncomplicated does she like me or like me

does she like me or like me and then i fell deeply endlessly asleep

and then i fell deeply endlessly asleep and slept until three in the morning

and slept until three in the morning when the colonel woke me up

when the colonel woke me up she dumped me he said i

she dumped me he said i am concussed i responded so i heard

am concussed i responded so i heard hence my

hence my waking you up video game okay

waking you up video game okay but keep it on mute my head hurts

but keep it on mute my head hurts yeah heard you puked on lara very suave

yeah heard you puked on lara very suave dumped i asked getting up yeah

dumped i asked getting up yeah sarah told jake that i had a hard-on for

sarah told jake that i had a hard-on for alaska

alaska those words in that order and i was like

those words in that order and i was like well

well i don't have a hard-on for anything at

i don't have a hard-on for anything at this moment

this moment you can check if you'd like and sarah

you can check if you'd like and sarah thought i was being too

thought i was being too glib i suppose because then she said she

glib i suppose because then she said she knew for a fact i'd hooked up with

knew for a fact i'd hooked up with alaska

alaska which incidentally is ridiculous i don't

which incidentally is ridiculous i don't cheat

cheat he said and finally the game finished

he said and finally the game finished loading and i half

loading and i half listened as i drove a stock car in

listened as i drove a stock car in circles around a silent track in

circles around a silent track in talladega

talladega the circles nauseated me but i kept at

the circles nauseated me but i kept at it

it so alaska went ballistic basically

so alaska went ballistic basically he affected alaska's voice then making

he affected alaska's voice then making it more shrill and headache inducing

it more shrill and headache inducing than it actually was

than it actually was no woman should ever lie about another

no woman should ever lie about another woman you've violated the sacred

woman you've violated the sacred covenant between women

covenant between women how will stabbing one another in the

how will stabbing one another in the back help women to rise above

back help women to rise above patriarchal oppression

patriarchal oppression and so on and then jake came to alaska's

and so on and then jake came to alaska's defense

defense saying that she would never cheat

saying that she would never cheat because she loved him

because she loved him and then i was like don't worry about

and then i was like don't worry about sarah she just likes bullying people

sarah she just likes bullying people and then sarah asked me why i never

and then sarah asked me why i never stood up for her and

stood up for her and somewhere in there i called her a crazy

somewhere in there i called her a crazy which didn't go over particularly

which didn't go over particularly well

well and then the waitress asked us to leave

and then the waitress asked us to leave and so we were standing in the parking

and so we were standing in the parking lot and she said

lot and she said i've had enough and i just stared at her

i've had enough and i just stared at her and she said

and she said our relationship is over

our relationship is over he stopped talking then our relationship

he stopped talking then our relationship is over

is over i repeated i felt very spacey

i repeated i felt very spacey and thought it was just best to repeat

and thought it was just best to repeat the last phrase of whatever the colonel

the last phrase of whatever the colonel said so he could keep talking yeah

said so he could keep talking yeah so that's it you know what's lame pudge

so that's it you know what's lame pudge i really care about her i mean we were

i really care about her i mean we were hopeless

hopeless badly matched but still i mean i said i

badly matched but still i mean i said i loved her

loved her i lost my virginity to her you lost your

i lost my virginity to her you lost your virginity to her

virginity to her yeah yeah i never told you that she's

yeah yeah i never told you that she's the only girl i've slept with

the only girl i've slept with i don't know even though we fought like

i don't know even though we fought like 94 percent of the time

94 percent of the time i'm really sad you're really sad

i'm really sad you're really sad sadder than i thought i'd be anyway i

sadder than i thought i'd be anyway i mean i knew it was inevitable we haven't

mean i knew it was inevitable we haven't had a pleasant moment this whole year

had a pleasant moment this whole year ever since i got here i mean we were

ever since i got here i mean we were just on each other relentlessly

just on each other relentlessly i should have been nicer to her i don't

i should have been nicer to her i don't know

know it's sad it is sad

it's sad it is sad i repeated i mean it's stupid to miss

i repeated i mean it's stupid to miss someone you didn't even get along with

someone you didn't even get along with but i don't know it was nice you know

but i don't know it was nice you know having someone you could always

having someone you could always fight with fighting i said

fight with fighting i said and then confused barely able to drive i

and then confused barely able to drive i added

added is nice right i don't know what i'll do

is nice right i don't know what i'll do now

now i mean it was nice to have her i'm a mad

i mean it was nice to have her i'm a mad guy pudge what do i do with that

guy pudge what do i do with that you can fight with me i said i put my

you can fight with me i said i put my controller down and leaned back on our

controller down and leaned back on our foam couch

foam couch and was asleep as i drifted off i heard

and was asleep as i drifted off i heard the colonel say

the colonel say i can't be mad at you you harmless

i can't be mad at you you harmless skinny bastard

84 days before three days later the rain began

three days later the rain began my head still hurt and the sizeable knot

my head still hurt and the sizeable knot above my left temple looked the colonel

above my left temple looked the colonel thought

thought like a miniaturized topographical map of

like a miniaturized topographical map of macedonia

macedonia which i had not previously known was a

which i had not previously known was a place let alone a country

place let alone a country and as the colonel and i walked over the

and as the colonel and i walked over the parched half dead grass that monday

parched half dead grass that monday i said i suppose we could use some rain

i said i suppose we could use some rain and the colonel looked up at the low

and the colonel looked up at the low clouds coming in fast and threatening

clouds coming in fast and threatening and then he said well use it or not

and then he said well use it or not we're sure as gonna get some

we're sure as gonna get some and we sure as did 20 minutes into

and we sure as did 20 minutes into french class

french class madame o'malley was conjugating the verb

madame o'malley was conjugating the verb to believe in the subjunctive

she said it over and over like it wasn't a verb so much as a buddhist mantra

what a funny thing to say over and over again i would believe

again i would believe you would believe he or she would

you would believe he or she would believe

believe believe what i thought and right then

believe what i thought and right then the rain came it came all at once

the rain came it came all at once and in a furious torrent like god was

and in a furious torrent like god was mad and wanted to flood us out

mad and wanted to flood us out day after day night after night it

day after day night after night it rained

rained it rained so that i couldn't see across

it rained so that i couldn't see across the dorm circle so that the lake swelled

the dorm circle so that the lake swelled up

up and lapped against the adirondack swing

and lapped against the adirondack swing swallowing half of the fake beach

swallowing half of the fake beach by the third day i abandoned my umbrella

by the third day i abandoned my umbrella entirely and walked around in a

entirely and walked around in a perpetual state of wetness

perpetual state of wetness everything at the cafeteria tasted like

everything at the cafeteria tasted like the minor acid of rain water

the minor acid of rain water and everything stank of mildew and

and everything stank of mildew and showers became ludicrously inappropriate

showers became ludicrously inappropriate because the whole goddamn world had

because the whole goddamn world had better water pressure than the showers

better water pressure than the showers and the rain made hermits of us all the

and the rain made hermits of us all the colonel spent every not in class moment

colonel spent every not in class moment sitting on the couch

sitting on the couch reading the almanac and playing video

reading the almanac and playing video games and i wasn't sure whether he

games and i wasn't sure whether he wanted to talk

wanted to talk or whether he just wanted to sit on the

or whether he just wanted to sit on the white foam and drink his ambrosia in

white foam and drink his ambrosia in peace

peace after the disaster that was our date i

after the disaster that was our date i felt it best not to speak to laura under

felt it best not to speak to laura under any circumstances

any circumstances lest i suffer a concussion and or an

lest i suffer a concussion and or an attack of puking

attack of puking even though she told me in pre-calc the

even though she told me in pre-calc the next day that it was no big deal

next day that it was no big deal and i saw alaska only in class and could

and i saw alaska only in class and could never talk to her

never talk to her because she came to every class late and

because she came to every class late and left the moment the bell rang before i

left the moment the bell rang before i could even cap my pen and close my

could even cap my pen and close my notebook

notebook on the fifth evening of the rain i

on the fifth evening of the rain i walked into the cafeteria fully prepared

walked into the cafeteria fully prepared to go back to my room and eat a reheated

to go back to my room and eat a reheated buffrto for dinner if alaska and or

buffrto for dinner if alaska and or takumi weren't eating

takumi weren't eating i knew full well the colonel was in room

i knew full well the colonel was in room 43 dining on milk and vodka

43 dining on milk and vodka but i stayed because i saw alaska

but i stayed because i saw alaska sitting alone her back to a rain

sitting alone her back to a rain streaked window

streaked window i grabbed a heaping plate of fried okra

i grabbed a heaping plate of fried okra and sat down next to her

and sat down next to her god it's like it'll never end i said

god it's like it'll never end i said referring to the rain

referring to the rain indeed she said her wet hair hung from

indeed she said her wet hair hung from her head and mostly covered her face

her head and mostly covered her face i ate some she ate some

i ate some she ate some have you been i finally asked i'm really

have you been i finally asked i'm really not

not up for answering any questions that

up for answering any questions that start with how when

start with how when where why or what what's wrong

where why or what what's wrong i asked that's a what i'm not doing

i asked that's a what i'm not doing what's right now

what's right now all right i should go she pursed her

all right i should go she pursed her lips and exhaled slowly like the way the

lips and exhaled slowly like the way the colonel blew out smoke

colonel blew out smoke what then i stopped myself and reworded

what then i stopped myself and reworded did i do something i asked she gathered

did i do something i asked she gathered her tray and stood up before answering

her tray and stood up before answering of course not sweetie her sweetie felt

of course not sweetie her sweetie felt condescending not romantic

condescending not romantic like a boy and during his first biblical

like a boy and during his first biblical rainstorm couldn't possibly understand

rainstorm couldn't possibly understand her

her problems whatever they were it took a

problems whatever they were it took a sincere effort not to roll my eyes at

sincere effort not to roll my eyes at her

her though she wouldn't have even noticed as

though she wouldn't have even noticed as she walked out of the cafeteria with her

she walked out of the cafeteria with her hair

hair dripping over her face

76 days before i feel better the colonel told me on the

i feel better the colonel told me on the ninth day of the rainstorm

ninth day of the rainstorm as he sat down next to me in religion

as he sat down next to me in religion class i had an epiphany

class i had an epiphany do you remember that night when she came

do you remember that night when she came to the room and was a complete and

to the room and was a complete and total yeah the opera the flamingo

total yeah the opera the flamingo tie

tie right what about it i asked

right what about it i asked the colonel pulled out a spiral notebook

the colonel pulled out a spiral notebook the top half of which was soaking wet

the top half of which was soaking wet and slowly pulled the pages apart until

and slowly pulled the pages apart until he found his place

he found his place that was the epiphany she's a complete

that was the epiphany she's a complete and total hyde hobbled in

and total hyde hobbled in leaning heavily on a black cane as he

leaning heavily on a black cane as he made his way toward his chair

made his way toward his chair he dryly noted my trick knee

he dryly noted my trick knee is warning me that we might have some

is warning me that we might have some rain

rain so prepare yourselves he stood in front

so prepare yourselves he stood in front of his chair

of his chair leaned back cautiously grabbed it with

leaned back cautiously grabbed it with both hands and collapsed into the chair

both hands and collapsed into the chair with a series of quick

with a series of quick shallow breaths like a woman in labor

shallow breaths like a woman in labor although it isn't due for more than two

although it isn't due for more than two months

months you'll be receiving your paper topic for

you'll be receiving your paper topic for this semester today

this semester today now i'm quite sure that you've all read

now i'm quite sure that you've all read the syllabus for this class

the syllabus for this class with such frequency and seriousness that

with such frequency and seriousness that by now you've committed it to memory

by now you've committed it to memory he smirked but a reminder

he smirked but a reminder this paper is 50 of your grade

this paper is 50 of your grade i encourage you to take it seriously

i encourage you to take it seriously now about this jesus fellow

now about this jesus fellow hyde talked about the gospel of mark

hyde talked about the gospel of mark which i hadn't read until the day before

which i hadn't read until the day before even though i was a christian i guess

even though i was a christian i guess i'd been to church uh like four times

i'd been to church uh like four times which is more frequently than i'd been

which is more frequently than i'd been to a mosque or a synagogue

to a mosque or a synagogue he told us that in the first century

he told us that in the first century around the time of jesus

around the time of jesus some of the roman coins had a picture of

some of the roman coins had a picture of the emperor augustus on them

the emperor augustus on them and that beneath his picture were

and that beneath his picture were inscribed the words

inscribed the words filius day the son of god

filius day the son of god we are speaking he said of a

we are speaking he said of a time in which gods had sons

time in which gods had sons it was not so unusual to be a son of god

it was not so unusual to be a son of god the miracle at least in that time

the miracle at least in that time and in that place was that jesus

and in that place was that jesus a peasant a jew a nobody in an

a peasant a jew a nobody in an empire ruled exclusively by somebodies

empire ruled exclusively by somebodies was the son of that god the all-powerful

was the son of that god the all-powerful god of abraham

god of abraham and moses that god's

and moses that god's son was not an emperor not even a

son was not an emperor not even a trained rabbi

trained rabbi a peasant and a jew a nobody

a peasant and a jew a nobody like you while the buddha was special

like you while the buddha was special because

because he abandoned his wealth and noble birth

he abandoned his wealth and noble birth to seek enlightenment

to seek enlightenment jesus was special because he lacked

jesus was special because he lacked wealth and noble birth

wealth and noble birth but inherited the ultimate nobility

but inherited the ultimate nobility king of kings

class over you can pick up a copy of your final exam

your final exam on the way out stay dry

on the way out stay dry it wasn't until i stood up to leave that

it wasn't until i stood up to leave that i noticed alaska had skipped class

i noticed alaska had skipped class how could she skip the only class worth

how could she skip the only class worth attending

attending i grabbed a copy of the final for her

i grabbed a copy of the final for her the final exam

the final exam what is the most important question

what is the most important question human beings must answer

human beings must answer choose your question wisely and then

choose your question wisely and then examine how islam

examine how islam buddhism and christianity attempt to

buddhism and christianity attempt to answer it

answer it i hope that poor bastard lives the rest

i hope that poor bastard lives the rest of the school year

of the school year the colonel said as we jogged home

the colonel said as we jogged home through the rain because i'm sure

through the rain because i'm sure starting to enjoy that class

starting to enjoy that class what's your most important question

what's your most important question after thirty seconds of running i was

after thirty seconds of running i was already winded

already winded what happens to us when we die

what happens to us when we die christ pudge if you don't stop running

christ pudge if you don't stop running you're gonna find out

you're gonna find out he slowed to a walk my question is

he slowed to a walk my question is why do good people get rotten lots in

why do good people get rotten lots in life

life holy is that alaska

holy is that alaska she was running at us full speed and she

she was running at us full speed and she was screaming

was screaming but i couldn't hear her over the

but i couldn't hear her over the pounding rain until she was so close to

pounding rain until she was so close to us that i could see her spit flying

us that i could see her spit flying the flooded my room they ruined

the flooded my room they ruined like a hundred

like a hundred of my books goddamn piss ant weak they

of my books goddamn piss ant weak they wore your

wore your colonel they poked a hole in the gutter

colonel they poked a hole in the gutter and connected a plastic tube from the

and connected a plastic tube from the gutter

gutter down through my back window into my room

down through my back window into my room the whole place is soaking wet

the whole place is soaking wet my copy of the general in his labyrinth

my copy of the general in his labyrinth is absolutely ruined

is absolutely ruined that's pretty good the colonel said like

that's pretty good the colonel said like an artist admiring another's work

an artist admiring another's work hey she shouted sorry

hey she shouted sorry don't worry dude he said god will punish

don't worry dude he said god will punish the wicked

the wicked and before he does we will

67 days before so this is how noah felt you wake up one

so this is how noah felt you wake up one morning

morning and god has forgiven you and you walk

and god has forgiven you and you walk around squinting all day

around squinting all day because you've forgotten how sunlight

because you've forgotten how sunlight feels warm and rough against your skin

feels warm and rough against your skin like a kiss on the cheek from your dad

like a kiss on the cheek from your dad and the whole world is brighter and

and the whole world is brighter and cleaner than ever before

cleaner than ever before like central alabama has been put in the

like central alabama has been put in the washing machine for two weeks

washing machine for two weeks and cleaned with extra super strength

and cleaned with extra super strength detergent with color brightener

detergent with color brightener and now the grass is greener and the

and now the grass is greener and the buffritos are crunchier

buffritos are crunchier i stayed by the classrooms that

i stayed by the classrooms that afternoon lying on my stomach in the

afternoon lying on my stomach in the newly dry grass and reading for american

newly dry grass and reading for american history

history the civil war or as it was known around

the civil war or as it was known around these parts the war between the states

these parts the war between the states to me it was the war that spawned a

to me it was the war that spawned a thousand good last words

thousand good last words like general albert sidney johnston who

like general albert sidney johnston who when asked if he was injured answered

when asked if he was injured answered yes and i fear seriously or robert e lee

yes and i fear seriously or robert e lee who many years after the war in a dying

who many years after the war in a dying delirium announced

delirium announced strike the tent i was mulling over why

strike the tent i was mulling over why the confederate generals had better last

the confederate generals had better last words than the union ones

words than the union ones ulysses s grant's last word water was

ulysses s grant's last word water was pretty lame

pretty lame when i noticed a shadow blocking me from

when i noticed a shadow blocking me from the sun

the sun it had been some time since i'd seen a

it had been some time since i'd seen a shadow and it startled me a bit

shadow and it startled me a bit i looked up i brought you a snack takumi

i looked up i brought you a snack takumi said dropping an oatmeal cream pie onto

said dropping an oatmeal cream pie onto my book

my book very nutritious i smiled

very nutritious i smiled you've got your oats you've got your

you've got your oats you've got your meal you've got your cream

meal you've got your cream it's a food pyramid hell yeah it

it's a food pyramid hell yeah it is

is and then i didn't know what to say

and then i didn't know what to say takumi knew a lot

takumi knew a lot about hip hop i knew a lot about last

about hip hop i knew a lot about last words and video games

words and video games finally i said i can't believe those

finally i said i can't believe those guys flooded alaska's room

guys flooded alaska's room yeah takumi said not looking at me well

yeah takumi said not looking at me well they had their reasons

they had their reasons you have to understand that would like

you have to understand that would like everybody even the weekday warriors

everybody even the weekday warriors alaska is famous for pranking i mean

alaska is famous for pranking i mean last year we put a volkswagen beetle in

last year we put a volkswagen beetle in the library

the library so if they have a reason to try and

so if they have a reason to try and one-up or they'll try

one-up or they'll try and that's pretty ingenious to divert

and that's pretty ingenious to divert water from the gutter to her room

water from the gutter to her room i mean i don't want to admire it

i mean i don't want to admire it i laughed yeah that will be tough to top

i laughed yeah that will be tough to top i unwrapped the cream pie and bit into

i unwrapped the cream pie and bit into it mmm

it mmm hundreds of delicious calories per bite

hundreds of delicious calories per bite she'll think of something he said

she'll think of something he said pudge he said hmm pudge you need a

pudge he said hmm pudge you need a cigarette

cigarette let's go for a walk i felt

let's go for a walk i felt nervous as i invariably do when someone

nervous as i invariably do when someone says my name

says my name twice with a hmm in between but i got up

twice with a hmm in between but i got up leaving my books behind and walked

leaving my books behind and walked toward the smoking hole

toward the smoking hole but as soon as we got to the edge of the

but as soon as we got to the edge of the woods takumi turned away from the dirt

woods takumi turned away from the dirt road

road not sure the hole is safe he said

not sure the hole is safe he said not safe i thought it's the safest place

not safe i thought it's the safest place to smoke a cigarette in the known

to smoke a cigarette in the known universe

universe but i just followed him through the

but i just followed him through the thick brush weaving through pine trees

thick brush weaving through pine trees and threatening chest high brambly

and threatening chest high brambly bushes

bushes after a while he just sat down i cupped

after a while he just sat down i cupped my hand around my lighter to protect the

my hand around my lighter to protect the flame from the slight breeze and lit up

flame from the slight breeze and lit up alaska ratted out mariah he said

alaska ratted out mariah he said so the eagle might know about the

so the eagle might know about the smoking hole too

smoking hole too i don't know i've never seen him down

i don't know i've never seen him down that way but

that way but who knows what she told him wait how do

who knows what she told him wait how do you

you know i asked dubious well for one thing

know i asked dubious well for one thing i figured it

i figured it out and for another alaska admitted it

out and for another alaska admitted it she told me at least part of the truth

she told me at least part of the truth that right at the end of school last

that right at the end of school last year

year she tried to sneak off campus one night

she tried to sneak off campus one night after lights out to go visit jake

after lights out to go visit jake and then got busted she said she was

and then got busted she said she was careful no headlights or anything

careful no headlights or anything but the eagle caught her and she had a

but the eagle caught her and she had a bottle of wine in her car so she was

bottle of wine in her car so she was

and the eagle took her into his house and gave her the same offer he gives to

and gave her the same offer he gives to everyone when they get

everyone when they get fatally busted either tell me everything

fatally busted either tell me everything you know or go to your room and pack up

you know or go to your room and pack up your stuff

your stuff so alaska broke and told him that mariah

so alaska broke and told him that mariah and paul were drunk and in her room

and paul were drunk and in her room right then

right then and then she told him god knows what

and then she told him god knows what else and so the eagle let her go

else and so the eagle let her go because he needs rats to do his job she

because he needs rats to do his job she was smart really to rat on one of her

was smart really to rat on one of her friends

friends because no one ever thinks to blame the

because no one ever thinks to blame the friends that's why the colonel is so

friends that's why the colonel is so sure it was kevin and his boys i didn't

sure it was kevin and his boys i didn't believe it could be alaska either

believe it could be alaska either until i figured out that she was the

until i figured out that she was the only person on campus who could have

only person on campus who could have known what mariah was doing

known what mariah was doing i suspected paul's roommate longwell one

i suspected paul's roommate longwell one of the guys who pulled the armless

of the guys who pulled the armless mermaid bit on you

mermaid bit on you turns out he was at home that night his

turns out he was at home that night his aunt had died i checked the obit in the

aunt had died i checked the obit in the paper

paper hollis burness chase hell of a name for

hollis burness chase hell of a name for a woman

a woman so the colonel doesn't know i asked

so the colonel doesn't know i asked stunned

stunned i put out my cigarette even though i

i put out my cigarette even though i wasn't quite finished because i felt

wasn't quite finished because i felt spooked i'd never suspected alaska could

spooked i'd never suspected alaska could be disloyal

be disloyal moody yes but not a rat

moody yes but not a rat no and he can't know because he'll go

no and he can't know because he'll go crazy and get her expelled

crazy and get her expelled the colonel takes all this honor and

the colonel takes all this honor and loyalty pretty seriously if you

loyalty pretty seriously if you haven't noticed

haven't noticed i've noticed takumi shook his head his

i've noticed takumi shook his head his hands pushing aside leaves to dig into

hands pushing aside leaves to dig into the still wet dirt beneath

the still wet dirt beneath i just don't get why she'd be so afraid

i just don't get why she'd be so afraid of getting expelled

of getting expelled i'd hate to get expelled but you have to

i'd hate to get expelled but you have to take your lumps

take your lumps i don't get it well she obviously

i don't get it well she obviously doesn't like home

doesn't like home true she only goes home over christmas

true she only goes home over christmas in the summer when jake is there

in the summer when jake is there but whatever i don't like home either

but whatever i don't like home either but i'd never give the eagle the

but i'd never give the eagle the satisfaction

satisfaction takumi picked up a twig and dug it into

takumi picked up a twig and dug it into the soft red dirt

the soft red dirt listen pudge i don't know what kind of

listen pudge i don't know what kind of prank alaska and the colonel are going

prank alaska and the colonel are going to come up with to end this

to come up with to end this but i'm sure we'll both be involved i'm

but i'm sure we'll both be involved i'm telling you all this so you can know

telling you all this so you can know what you're getting into

what you're getting into because if you get caught you would

because if you get caught you would better take it

better take it i thought of florida of my school

i thought of florida of my school friends and realized for the first time

friends and realized for the first time how much i would miss the creek if i

how much i would miss the creek if i ever had to leave it

ever had to leave it i stared down at takumi's twig sticking

i stared down at takumi's twig sticking erect out of the mud

erect out of the mud and said i swear to god i won't rat i

and said i swear to god i won't rat i finally understood that day at the jury

finally understood that day at the jury alaska wanted to show us that we could

alaska wanted to show us that we could trust her

trust her survival at culver creek meant loyalty

survival at culver creek meant loyalty and she had ignored that

and she had ignored that but then she'd shown me the way she and

but then she'd shown me the way she and the colonel had taken the fall for me

the colonel had taken the fall for me to show me how it was done so i would

to show me how it was done so i would know what to do

know what to do when the time came

58 days before about a week later i woke up at 6 30 6

about a week later i woke up at 6 30 6 30 on a saturday

30 on a saturday to the sweet melody of decapitation

to the sweet melody of decapitation automatic gunfire blasted out above the

automatic gunfire blasted out above the menacing base heavy background music of

menacing base heavy background music of the video game

the video game i rolled over and saw alaska pulling the

i rolled over and saw alaska pulling the controller

controller up and to the right as if that would

up and to the right as if that would help her escape certain death

help her escape certain death i had the same bad habit can you at

i had the same bad habit can you at least

least mute it pudge she said faux

mute it pudge she said faux condescending

condescending the sound is an integral part of the

the sound is an integral part of the artistic experience of this video game

artistic experience of this video game muting decapitation would be like

muting decapitation would be like reading only every other word of jane

reading only every other word of jane eyre

eyre the colonel woke up about half an hour

the colonel woke up about half an hour ago he seemed a little annoyed so i told

ago he seemed a little annoyed so i told him to go sleep in my room

him to go sleep in my room maybe i'll join him i said groggoli

maybe i'll join him i said groggoli then she remarked so i heard takumi told

then she remarked so i heard takumi told you

you yeah i ratted out mariah and i'm sorry

yeah i ratted out mariah and i'm sorry and i'll never do it again

and i'll never do it again in other news are you staying here for

in other news are you staying here for thanksgiving because i am

thanksgiving because i am i rolled back toward the wall and pulled

i rolled back toward the wall and pulled the comforter over my head

the comforter over my head i didn't know whether to trust alaska

i didn't know whether to trust alaska and i'd certainly had enough of her

and i'd certainly had enough of her unpredictability

unpredictability cold one day sweet the next irresistibly

cold one day sweet the next irresistibly flirty one moment resistably obnoxious

flirty one moment resistably obnoxious the next i preferred the colonel at

the next i preferred the colonel at least when he was cranky he had a reason

least when he was cranky he had a reason in a testament to the power of fatigue i

in a testament to the power of fatigue i managed to fall asleep

managed to fall asleep quickly convinced that the shrieking of

quickly convinced that the shrieking of dying monsters and alaska's delighted

dying monsters and alaska's delighted squeals upon killing them

squeals upon killing them were nothing more than a pleasant

were nothing more than a pleasant soundtrack by which to dream

soundtrack by which to dream i woke up half an hour later when she

i woke up half an hour later when she sat down on my bed her butt against my

sat down on my bed her butt against my hip

hip her underwear her jeans the comforter

her underwear her jeans the comforter my corduroys and my boxers between us i

my corduroys and my boxers between us i thought

thought five layers and yet i felt it the

five layers and yet i felt it the nervous warmth of touching

nervous warmth of touching a pale reflection of the fireworks of

a pale reflection of the fireworks of one mouth on another but a reflection

one mouth on another but a reflection nonetheless

nonetheless and in the almostness of the moment i

and in the almostness of the moment i cared at least enough

cared at least enough i wasn't sure whether i liked her and i

i wasn't sure whether i liked her and i doubted whether i could trust her

doubted whether i could trust her but i cared at least enough to try to

but i cared at least enough to try to find out

find out her on my bed wide green eyes staring

her on my bed wide green eyes staring down at me

down at me the enduring mystery of her sly almost

the enduring mystery of her sly almost smirking smile

smirking smile five layers between us she continued as

five layers between us she continued as if i hadn't been asleep

if i hadn't been asleep jake has to study so he doesn't want me

jake has to study so he doesn't want me in nashville

in nashville says he can't pay attention to

says he can't pay attention to musicology while staring at me

musicology while staring at me i said i would wear a burqa but he

i said i would wear a burqa but he wasn't convinced so i'm staying here

wasn't convinced so i'm staying here i'm sorry i said oh don't be i'll have

i'm sorry i said oh don't be i'll have loads to do there's a prank to plan

loads to do there's a prank to plan but i was thinking you should stay here

but i was thinking you should stay here too in fact

too in fact i have composed a list a list

i have composed a list a list she reached into her pocket and pulled

she reached into her pocket and pulled out a heavily folded piece of notebook

out a heavily folded piece of notebook paper and began to read

paper and began to read why pudge should stay at the creek for

why pudge should stay at the creek for thanksgiving a list

thanksgiving a list by alaska young one because he is a very

by alaska young one because he is a very conscientious student

conscientious student pudge has been deprived of many

pudge has been deprived of many wonderful culver creek experiences

wonderful culver creek experiences including but not limited to a drinking

including but not limited to a drinking wine with me in the woods

wine with me in the woods and b getting up early on a saturday to

and b getting up early on a saturday to eat breakfast at mickey and edible

eat breakfast at mickey and edible and then driving through the greater

and then driving through the greater birmingham area smoking cigarettes and

birmingham area smoking cigarettes and talking about how pathetically boring

talking about how pathetically boring the greater birmingham area

the greater birmingham area is and also see going out late at night

is and also see going out late at night and lying in the dewey soccer field and

and lying in the dewey soccer field and reading a kurt vonnegut book by

reading a kurt vonnegut book by moonlight

moonlight 2. although she certainly does not excel

2. although she certainly does not excel at endeavors such as teaching the french

at endeavors such as teaching the french language

language madame o'malley makes a mean stuffing

madame o'malley makes a mean stuffing and she invites all the students who

and she invites all the students who stay on campus to thanksgiving dinner

stay on campus to thanksgiving dinner which is usually just me and the south

which is usually just me and the south korean exchange student but whatever

korean exchange student but whatever page would be welcome

page would be welcome three i don't really have a three but

three i don't really have a three but one and two were awfully good

one and two were awfully good one and two appealed to me certainly but

one and two appealed to me certainly but mostly

mostly i like the idea of just her and just me

i like the idea of just her and just me on campus

on campus i'll talk to my parents once they wake

i'll talk to my parents once they wake up i said

up i said she coaxed me onto the couch and we

she coaxed me onto the couch and we played decapitation together until she

played decapitation together until she abruptly dropped the controller

abruptly dropped the controller i'm not flirting i'm just tired she said

i'm not flirting i'm just tired she said kicking off her flip-flops

kicking off her flip-flops she pulled her feet onto the foam couch

she pulled her feet onto the foam couch tucking them behind a cushion

tucking them behind a cushion and scooted up to put her head in my lap

and scooted up to put her head in my lap my corduroys my boxers two

my corduroys my boxers two layers i could feel the warmth of her

layers i could feel the warmth of her cheek on my thigh

cheek on my thigh there are times when it's appropriate

there are times when it's appropriate even preferable

even preferable to get an erection when someone's face

to get an erection when someone's face is in close proximity to your penis

is in close proximity to your penis this was not one of those times so i

this was not one of those times so i stopped thinking about the layers and

stopped thinking about the layers and the warmth

the warmth muted the tv and focused on decapitation

muted the tv and focused on decapitation at 8 30 i turned off the game and

at 8 30 i turned off the game and scooted out from underneath alaska

scooted out from underneath alaska she turned onto her back still asleep

she turned onto her back still asleep the lines of my corduroy pants imprinted

the lines of my corduroy pants imprinted on her cheek

on her cheek i usually only called my parents on

i usually only called my parents on sunday afternoons

sunday afternoons so when my mom heard my voice she

so when my mom heard my voice she instantly overreacted

instantly overreacted what's wrong miles are you okay i'm fine

what's wrong miles are you okay i'm fine mom

mom i think if it's okay with you i think i

i think if it's okay with you i think i might stay here for thanksgiving

might stay here for thanksgiving a lot of my friends are staying lie

a lot of my friends are staying lie and i have a lot of work to do double

and i have a lot of work to do double lie

lie i had no idea how hard the classes would

i had no idea how hard the classes would be mom

be mom truth oh sweetie

truth oh sweetie we miss you so much and there's a big

we miss you so much and there's a big thanksgiving turkey waiting for you

thanksgiving turkey waiting for you and all the cranberry sauce you can eat

and all the cranberry sauce you can eat i hated cranberry sauce but for some

i hated cranberry sauce but for some reason my mom persisted in her lifelong

reason my mom persisted in her lifelong belief that it was my very favorite food

belief that it was my very favorite food even though every single thanksgiving i

even though every single thanksgiving i politely declined to include it on my

politely declined to include it on my plate

plate i know mom i miss you guys too but i

i know mom i miss you guys too but i really want to do well here

really want to do well here truth and plus it's really nice to have

truth and plus it's really nice to have like

like friends truth

friends truth i knew that playing the friend card

i knew that playing the friend card would sell her on the idea and it did

would sell her on the idea and it did so i got her blessing to stay on campus

so i got her blessing to stay on campus after promising to hang out with them

after promising to hang out with them for every minute of christmas break

for every minute of christmas break as if i had other plans i spent the

as if i had other plans i spent the morning at the computer flipping back

morning at the computer flipping back and forth between my religion and

and forth between my religion and english papers

english papers there were only two weeks of classes

there were only two weeks of classes before exams the coming one and the one

before exams the coming one and the one after thanksgiving

after thanksgiving and so far the best personal answer i

and so far the best personal answer i had to what happens to people after they

had to what happens to people after they die was

die was well something maybe

well something maybe the colonel came in at noon his thick

the colonel came in at noon his thick uber math book

uber math book cradled in his arms i just saw sarah

cradled in his arms i just saw sarah he said how'd that work out for you

he said how'd that work out for you bad she said she still loved me

bad she said she still loved me god i love you really is the gateway

god i love you really is the gateway drug of breaking up

drug of breaking up saying i love you while you're walking

saying i love you while you're walking across the dorm circle inevitably leads

across the dorm circle inevitably leads to saying i love you while you're doing

to saying i love you while you're doing it

it so i just bolted i laughed he pulled out

so i just bolted i laughed he pulled out a notebook and sat down at his desk

a notebook and sat down at his desk yeah ha ha so alaska says you're staying

yeah ha ha so alaska says you're staying here

here yeah i feel a little guilty about

yeah i feel a little guilty about ditching my parents though

ditching my parents though yeah well if you're staying here in

yeah well if you're staying here in hopes of making out with alaska i sure

hopes of making out with alaska i sure wish you wouldn't

wish you wouldn't if you unmoor her from the rock that is

if you unmoor her from the rock that is jake

jake god have mercy on us all that would be

god have mercy on us all that would be some drama indeed and as a rule i like

some drama indeed and as a rule i like to avoid

to avoid drama it's not because i want to make

drama it's not because i want to make out with her

out with her hold on he grabbed a pencil and scrawled

hold on he grabbed a pencil and scrawled excitedly at the paper as if he just

excitedly at the paper as if he just made a mathematical breakthrough

made a mathematical breakthrough and then looked back up at me i just did

and then looked back up at me i just did some calculations

some calculations and i've been able to determine that

and i've been able to determine that you're full of

and he was right how could i abandon my parents

parents who were nice enough to pay for my

who were nice enough to pay for my education at culber creek

education at culber creek my parents who had always loved me just

my parents who had always loved me just because i maybe

because i maybe liked some girl with a boyfriend how

liked some girl with a boyfriend how could i leave them alone with a giant

could i leave them alone with a giant turkey and mounds of inedible cranberry

turkey and mounds of inedible cranberry sauce

sauce so during third period i called my mom

so during third period i called my mom at work

at work i wanted her to say it was okay i guess

i wanted her to say it was okay i guess for me to stay at the creek for

for me to stay at the creek for thanksgiving

thanksgiving but i didn't quite expect her to

but i didn't quite expect her to excitedly tell me that she and dad had

excitedly tell me that she and dad had bought plane tickets to england

bought plane tickets to england immediately after i called

immediately after i called and were planning to spend thanksgiving

and were planning to spend thanksgiving in a castle on their second honeymoon

in a castle on their second honeymoon oh that that's awesome i said

oh that that's awesome i said and then quickly got off the phone

and then quickly got off the phone because i did not want her to hear me

because i did not want her to hear me cry

cry i guess alaska heard me slam down the

i guess alaska heard me slam down the phone from her room

phone from her room because she opened the door as i turned

because she opened the door as i turned away but said nothing

away but said nothing i walked across the dorm circle and then

i walked across the dorm circle and then straight through the soccer fields

straight through the soccer fields bushwhacking through the woods

bushwhacking through the woods until i ended up on the banks of culver

until i ended up on the banks of culver creek just down from the bridge

creek just down from the bridge i sat with my butt on a rock and my feet

i sat with my butt on a rock and my feet in the dark dirt of the creek bed

in the dark dirt of the creek bed and tossed pebbles into the clear

and tossed pebbles into the clear shallow water and they landed with an

shallow water and they landed with an empty plop barely audible over the

empty plop barely audible over the rumbling of the creek

rumbling of the creek as it danced its way south the light

as it danced its way south the light filtered through the leaves and pine

filtered through the leaves and pine needles above as if through lace

needles above as if through lace the ground spotted in shadow i thought

the ground spotted in shadow i thought of the one thing about home that i

of the one thing about home that i missed

missed my dad's study with its built-in

my dad's study with its built-in floor-to-ceiling

floor-to-ceiling shelves sagging with thick biographies

shelves sagging with thick biographies and the black leather chair that kept me

and the black leather chair that kept me just uncomfortable enough to keep from

just uncomfortable enough to keep from falling asleep

falling asleep as i read it was stupid to feel as upset

as i read it was stupid to feel as upset as i did

as i did i ditched them but it felt the other way

i ditched them but it felt the other way around

around still i felt unmistakably homesick

still i felt unmistakably homesick i looked up toward the bridge and saw

i looked up toward the bridge and saw alaska sitting on one of the blue chairs

alaska sitting on one of the blue chairs at the smoking hole

at the smoking hole and though i thought i wanted to be

and though i thought i wanted to be alone i found myself saying

alone i found myself saying hey then when she did not turn to me i

hey then when she did not turn to me i screamed

screamed alaska she walked over

alaska she walked over i was looking for you she said joining

i was looking for you she said joining me on the rock

me on the rock hey i'm really sorry pudge

hey i'm really sorry pudge she said and put her arms around me

she said and put her arms around me resting her head against my shoulder

resting her head against my shoulder it occurred to me that she didn't even

it occurred to me that she didn't even know what had happened

know what had happened but she still sounded sincere

but she still sounded sincere what am i gonna do you'll spend

what am i gonna do you'll spend thanksgiving with me silly

thanksgiving with me silly here so why don't you go home for

here so why don't you go home for vacations i asked

vacations i asked i'm just scared of ghosts pudge and home

i'm just scared of ghosts pudge and home is full of them

after everyone left after the colonel's mom showed up in a beat-up hatchback and

mom showed up in a beat-up hatchback and he threw his giant duffel bag into the

he threw his giant duffel bag into the back seat

back seat and after he said i'm not much for

and after he said i'm not much for saying goodbye

saying goodbye i'll see you in a week don't do anything

i'll see you in a week don't do anything i wouldn't do

i wouldn't do and after a green limousine arrived for

and after a green limousine arrived for lara whose father was the only doctor in

lara whose father was the only doctor in some small town in southern alabama

some small town in southern alabama and after i joined alaska on a harrowing

and after i joined alaska on a harrowing we don't need no stinking breaks drive

we don't need no stinking breaks drive to the airport to drop

to the airport to drop off takumi and after the campus settled

off takumi and after the campus settled into an eerie quiet with no doors

into an eerie quiet with no doors slamming and no music playing and no one

slamming and no music playing and no one laughing

laughing and no one's screaming after all that

and no one's screaming after all that we made our way down to the soccer field

we made our way down to the soccer field and she took me to the edge of the field

and she took me to the edge of the field where the woods start

where the woods start the same steps i'd walked on my way to

the same steps i'd walked on my way to being thrown into the lake

being thrown into the lake beneath the full moon she cast a shadow

beneath the full moon she cast a shadow and you could see the curve from her

and you could see the curve from her waist to her hips in the shadow

waist to her hips in the shadow and after a while she stopped and said

and after a while she stopped and said dig and i said dig

dig and i said dig and she said dig and we went on like

and she said dig and we went on like that for a bit

that for a bit and then i got on my knees and dug

and then i got on my knees and dug through the soft black dirt at the edge

through the soft black dirt at the edge of the woods

of the woods and before i could get very far my

and before i could get very far my fingers scratched glass

fingers scratched glass and i dug around the glass until i

and i dug around the glass until i pulled out a bottle of pink

pulled out a bottle of pink wine strawberry hill it was called

wine strawberry hill it was called i suppose because if it had not tasted

i suppose because if it had not tasted like vinegar with a dash of maple syrup

like vinegar with a dash of maple syrup it might have tasted like strawberries

it might have tasted like strawberries i have a fake id she said but it sucks

i have a fake id she said but it sucks so every time i go to the liquor store i

so every time i go to the liquor store i try to buy 10 bottles of this and some

try to buy 10 bottles of this and some vodka for the colonel

vodka for the colonel and so when it finally works i'm covered

and so when it finally works i'm covered for a semester

for a semester and then i give the colonel his vodka

and then i give the colonel his vodka and he puts it wherever he puts it

and he puts it wherever he puts it and i take mine and bury it because

and i take mine and bury it because you're a pirate

you're a pirate i said aye matey precisely

i said aye matey precisely although wine consumption has risen a

although wine consumption has risen a bit this semester so we'll need to take

bit this semester so we'll need to take a trip tomorrow

a trip tomorrow this is the last bottle she unscrewed

this is the last bottle she unscrewed the cap no

the cap no corks here sipped and handed it to me

corks here sipped and handed it to me don't worry about the eagle tonight she

don't worry about the eagle tonight she said he's just happy most everyone's

said he's just happy most everyone's gone

gone he's probably masturbating for the first

he's probably masturbating for the first time in a month

time in a month i worried about it for a moment as i

i worried about it for a moment as i held the bottle by the neck

held the bottle by the neck but i wanted to trust her and so i did

but i wanted to trust her and so i did i took a minor sip and as soon as i

i took a minor sip and as soon as i swallowed i felt my body rejecting the

swallowed i felt my body rejecting the stinging syrup of it

stinging syrup of it it washed back up my esophagus but i

it washed back up my esophagus but i swallowed hard and

swallowed hard and there yes i did it i was

there yes i did it i was drinking on campus so we lay in the tall

drinking on campus so we lay in the tall grass between the soccer field and the

grass between the soccer field and the woods

woods passing the bottle back and forth and

passing the bottle back and forth and tilting our heads up to sip the

tilting our heads up to sip the winds inducing wine as promised in the

winds inducing wine as promised in the list

list she brought a kurt vonnegut book cat's

she brought a kurt vonnegut book cat's cradle and she read aloud to me

cradle and she read aloud to me her soft voice mingling with the frogs

her soft voice mingling with the frogs croaking and the grasshoppers landing

croaking and the grasshoppers landing softly around us

softly around us i did not hear her words so much as the

i did not hear her words so much as the cadence of her voice

cadence of her voice she'd obviously read the book many times

she'd obviously read the book many times before and so she read flawlessly and

before and so she read flawlessly and confidently

confidently and i could hear her smile in the

and i could hear her smile in the reading of it and the sound of that

reading of it and the sound of that smile made me think that

smile made me think that maybe i would like novels better if

maybe i would like novels better if alaska young read them to me

alaska young read them to me after a while she put down the book and

after a while she put down the book and i felt warm but not drunk with the

i felt warm but not drunk with the bottle resting between us

bottle resting between us my chest touching the bottle and her

my chest touching the bottle and her chest touching the bottle

chest touching the bottle but us not touching each other and then

but us not touching each other and then she placed her hand on my leg

she placed her hand on my leg her hand just above my knee the palm

her hand just above my knee the palm flat

flat and soft against my jeans and her index

and soft against my jeans and her index finger making slow

finger making slow lazy circles that crept toward the

lazy circles that crept toward the inside of my thigh

inside of my thigh and with one layer between us god

and with one layer between us god i wanted her and lying there amid the

i wanted her and lying there amid the tall

tall still grass and beneath the star drunk

still grass and beneath the star drunk sky

sky listening to the just this side of

listening to the just this side of inaudible sound of her rhythmic

inaudible sound of her rhythmic breathing

breathing and the noisy silence of the bullfrogs

and the noisy silence of the bullfrogs the grasshoppers

the grasshoppers the distant cars rushing endlessly on

the distant cars rushing endlessly on i-65

i-65 i thought it might be a fine time to say

i thought it might be a fine time to say the three little words

the three little words and i steeled myself to say them as i

and i steeled myself to say them as i stared up at that starriest night

stared up at that starriest night convinced myself that she felt it too

convinced myself that she felt it too that her hand

that her hand so alive and vivid against my leg was

so alive and vivid against my leg was more than playful

more than playful and lara and jake because i do

and lara and jake because i do alaska young i do love you and what else

alaska young i do love you and what else matters but that

matters but that and my lips parted to speak and before i

and my lips parted to speak and before i could even begin to breathe out the

could even begin to breathe out the words she said

words she said it's not life or death the labyrinth

it's not life or death the labyrinth um okay so what is it

um okay so what is it suffering she said doing wrong and

suffering she said doing wrong and having wrong things happen to you

having wrong things happen to you that's the problem bolivar was talking

that's the problem bolivar was talking about the pain

about the pain not about the living or dying how do you

not about the living or dying how do you get out of the labyrinth of suffering

get out of the labyrinth of suffering what's wrong i asked and i felt the

what's wrong i asked and i felt the absence of her hand on me

absence of her hand on me nothing's wrong but there's always

nothing's wrong but there's always suffering pudge

suffering pudge homework or malaria or having a

homework or malaria or having a boyfriend who lives far away when

boyfriend who lives far away when there's a good looking boy lying next to

there's a good looking boy lying next to you

you suffering is universal it's the one

suffering is universal it's the one thing buddhists christians and muslims

thing buddhists christians and muslims are all worried about

are all worried about i turned to her oh so maybe dr hyde's

i turned to her oh so maybe dr hyde's class

class isn't total and both of us

isn't total and both of us lying on our sides

lying on our sides she smiled our nose is almost touching

she smiled our nose is almost touching my unblinking eyes on hers

my unblinking eyes on hers her face blushing from the wine and i

her face blushing from the wine and i opened my mouth again

opened my mouth again but this time not to speak and she

but this time not to speak and she reached up

reached up and put a finger to my lips and said shh

and put a finger to my lips and said shh shh don't ruin it

51 days before the next morning i didn't hear the

the next morning i didn't hear the knocking if there was any

knocking if there was any i just heard up do you know what time it

i just heard up do you know what time it is i looked at the clock and groggily

is i looked at the clock and groggily muttered

muttered it's 7 36. no pudge it's party time

it's 7 36. no pudge it's party time we've only got seven days left before

we've only got seven days left before everyone comes back

everyone comes back oh god i can't even tell you how nice it

oh god i can't even tell you how nice it is to have you here

is to have you here last thanksgiving i spent the whole time

last thanksgiving i spent the whole time constructing one massive candle using

constructing one massive candle using the wax from all my little candles

the wax from all my little candles god it was boring accounting the ceiling

god it was boring accounting the ceiling tiles

tiles 67 down 84 across talk about

67 down 84 across talk about suffering absolute torture

suffering absolute torture i'm really tired i i said

i'm really tired i i said and then she cut me off poor pudge oh

and then she cut me off poor pudge oh poor poor pudge

poor poor pudge do you want me to climb into bed with

do you want me to climb into bed with you and cuddle

you and cuddle well if you're offering no up now

well if you're offering no up now she took me behind a wing of weekday

she took me behind a wing of weekday warrior rooms

warrior rooms 50 to 59 and stopped in front of a

50 to 59 and stopped in front of a window placed her palms flat against it

window placed her palms flat against it and pushed up until the window was half

and pushed up until the window was half open then crawled inside

open then crawled inside i followed what do you see pudge

i followed what do you see pudge i saw a dorm room the same cinder block

i saw a dorm room the same cinder block walls

walls the same dimensions even the same layout

the same dimensions even the same layout as my own

as my own their couch was nicer and they had an

their couch was nicer and they had an actual coffee table

actual coffee table instead of a trunk labeled coffee table

instead of a trunk labeled coffee table they had two posters on the wall

they had two posters on the wall one featured a huge stack of hundred

one featured a huge stack of hundred dollar bills with the caption

dollar bills with the caption the first million is the hardest on the

the first million is the hardest on the opposite wall

opposite wall a poster of a red ferrari uh

a poster of a red ferrari uh i see a dorm room you're not looking

i see a dorm room you're not looking pudge

pudge when i go into your room i see a couple

when i go into your room i see a couple of guys who love video games

of guys who love video games when i look at my room i see a girl who

when i look at my room i see a girl who loves books

loves books she walked over to the couch and picked

she walked over to the couch and picked up a plastic soda bottle

up a plastic soda bottle look at this she said and i saw that it

look at this she said and i saw that it was half filled with a brackish brown

was half filled with a brackish brown liquid

liquid dip spit so they dip and they obviously

dip spit so they dip and they obviously aren't hygienic about it

aren't hygienic about it so are they going to care if we pee on

so are they going to care if we pee on their toothbrushes they won't care

their toothbrushes they won't care enough that's for sure

enough that's for sure look tell me what these guys love

look tell me what these guys love they love money i said pointing to the

they love money i said pointing to the poster she threw up her hands

poster she threw up her hands exasperated

exasperated they all love money pudge okay go into

they all love money pudge okay go into the bathroom

the bathroom tell me what you see there the game was

tell me what you see there the game was annoying me a little but i went into the

annoying me a little but i went into the bathroom as she sat down on that

bathroom as she sat down on that inviting couch inside the shower i found

inviting couch inside the shower i found a dozen bottles of shampoo and

a dozen bottles of shampoo and conditioner

conditioner in the medicine cabinet i found a

in the medicine cabinet i found a cylindrical bottle of something called

cylindrical bottle of something called rewind i opened it the bluish gel

rewind i opened it the bluish gel smelled like flowers and rubbing alcohol

smelled like flowers and rubbing alcohol like a fancy hair salon

like a fancy hair salon under the sink i also found a tub of

under the sink i also found a tub of vaseline so

vaseline so big that it could have only one possible

big that it could have only one possible use which i didn't care to dwell on

use which i didn't care to dwell on i came back into the room and excitedly

i came back into the room and excitedly said they love their hair

said they love their hair precisely she shouted look on the top

precisely she shouted look on the top bunk

bunk perilously positioned on the thin wooden

perilously positioned on the thin wooden headboard of the bed

headboard of the bed a bottle of stay wet gel kevin doesn't

a bottle of stay wet gel kevin doesn't just

just wake up with that spiky bed head look

wake up with that spiky bed head look pudge he works for it

pudge he works for it he loves that hair they leave their hair

he loves that hair they leave their hair products here

products here pudge because they have duplicates at

pudge because they have duplicates at home

home all those boys do and do you know why

all those boys do and do you know why because they're compensating for their

because they're compensating for their tiny little penises

tiny little penises i asked haha no that's why they're macho

i asked haha no that's why they're macho they love their hair because

they love their hair because they aren't smart enough to love

they aren't smart enough to love something more interesting

something more interesting so we hit them where it hurts the scalp

so we hit them where it hurts the scalp okay i said unsure of

okay i said unsure of how exactly to prank someone's scalp

how exactly to prank someone's scalp she stood up and walked to the window

she stood up and walked to the window and bent over to shimmy out

and bent over to shimmy out don't look at my ass she said and so i

don't look at my ass she said and so i looked at her ass

looked at her ass spreading out wide from her thin waist

spreading out wide from her thin waist she effortlessly somersaulted out the

she effortlessly somersaulted out the half opened window

half opened window i took the feet first approach and once

i took the feet first approach and once i got my feet on the ground

i got my feet on the ground i limbo'ed my upper body out the window

i limbo'ed my upper body out the window well she said that looked awkward let's

well she said that looked awkward let's go to the smoking hole

go to the smoking hole she shuffled her feet to kick up dry

she shuffled her feet to kick up dry orange dirt on the road to the bridge

orange dirt on the road to the bridge seeming not to walk so much as cross

seeming not to walk so much as cross country ski

country ski as we followed the almost trail down

as we followed the almost trail down from the bridge to the hole

from the bridge to the hole she turned around and looked back at me

she turned around and looked back at me stopping

stopping i wonder how one would go about

i wonder how one would go about acquiring industrial strength

acquiring industrial strength blue die she said and then held a tree

blue die she said and then held a tree branch back for me

forty nine days before two days later monday the first real day

two days later monday the first real day of vacation

of vacation i spent the morning working on my

i spent the morning working on my religion final and went to alaska's room

religion final and went to alaska's room in the afternoon

in the afternoon she was reading in bed auden

she was reading in bed auden she announced what were his last words

she announced what were his last words don't know

don't know never heard of him never heard of him

never heard of him never heard of him you poor illiterate boy here read this

you poor illiterate boy here read this line

line i walked over and looked down at her

i walked over and looked down at her index finger

index finger you shall love your crooked neighbor

you shall love your crooked neighbor with your crooked heart

with your crooked heart i read aloud yeah that's pretty good i

i read aloud yeah that's pretty good i said

said pretty good sure and bufritos are pretty

pretty good sure and bufritos are pretty good

good sex is pretty fun the sun is pretty hot

sex is pretty fun the sun is pretty hot jesus it says so much about love and

jesus it says so much about love and brokenness it's perfect

brokenness it's perfect i nodded unenthusiastically you're

i nodded unenthusiastically you're hopeless

hopeless wanna go porn hunting huh

wanna go porn hunting huh we can't love our neighbors till we know

we can't love our neighbors till we know how crooked their hearts are don't you

how crooked their hearts are don't you like porn

like porn she asked smiling um

she asked smiling um i answered the truth was that i hadn't

i answered the truth was that i hadn't seen much porn

seen much porn but the idea of looking at porn with

but the idea of looking at porn with alaska had a certain appeal

alaska had a certain appeal we started with the fifties wing of

we started with the fifties wing of dorms and made our way backward around

dorms and made our way backward around the hexagon

the hexagon she pushed open the back windows while i

she pushed open the back windows while i looked out and made sure no one was

looked out and made sure no one was walking by

walking by i'd never been in most people's rooms

i'd never been in most people's rooms after three months i knew most people

after three months i knew most people but i regularly talked to very few

but i regularly talked to very few just the colonel and alaska and takumi

just the colonel and alaska and takumi really but

really but in a few hours i got to know my

in a few hours i got to know my classmates quite well

classmates quite well wilson carbot the center for the culver

wilson carbot the center for the culver creek nothings had hemorrhoids

creek nothings had hemorrhoids or at least he kept hemorrhoidal cream

or at least he kept hemorrhoidal cream secreted away in the bottom drawer of

secreted away in the bottom drawer of his desk

his desk chandra kylers a cute girl who loved

chandra kylers a cute girl who loved math a little too much

math a little too much and who alaska believed was the

and who alaska believed was the colonel's future girlfriend

colonel's future girlfriend collected cabbage patch kids i don't

collected cabbage patch kids i don't mean that she collected cabbage patch

mean that she collected cabbage patch kids when she was like five

kids when she was like five she collected them now dozens of them

she collected them now dozens of them black white

black white latino and asian boys and girls babies

latino and asian boys and girls babies dressed like farm hands and budding

dressed like farm hands and budding businessmen

businessmen a senior weekday warrior named holly

a senior weekday warrior named holly moser sketched

moser sketched nude self portraits in charcoal pencil

nude self portraits in charcoal pencil portraying her rotund form in all its

portraying her rotund form in all its girth

girth i was stunned by how many people had

i was stunned by how many people had booze

booze even the weekday warriors who got to go

even the weekday warriors who got to go home every weekend had beer and liquor

home every weekend had beer and liquor stashed everywhere from toilet tanks to

stashed everywhere from toilet tanks to the bottoms of dirty clothes hampers

the bottoms of dirty clothes hampers god i could have ratted out anyone

god i could have ratted out anyone alaska said softly as she unearthed a 40

alaska said softly as she unearthed a 40 ounce bottle of magnum malt liquor from

ounce bottle of magnum malt liquor from longwell chase's closet

longwell chase's closet i wondered then why she had chosen paul

i wondered then why she had chosen paul and mariah

and mariah alaska found everyone's secrets so fast

alaska found everyone's secrets so fast that i suspected she'd done this before

that i suspected she'd done this before but she couldn't possibly have had

but she couldn't possibly have had advanced knowledge of the secrets of

advanced knowledge of the secrets of ruth and margot blauker

ruth and margot blauker ninth grade twin sisters who were new

ninth grade twin sisters who were new and seemed to socialize even less than i

and seemed to socialize even less than i did

did after crawling into their room alaska

after crawling into their room alaska looked around for a moment then walked

looked around for a moment then walked to the bookshelf

to the bookshelf she stared at it then pulled out the

she stared at it then pulled out the king james bible

king james bible and there a purple bottle of maui wowie

and there a purple bottle of maui wowie wine

wine cooler how clever she said as she

cooler how clever she said as she twisted off the cap

twisted off the cap she drank it down in two long sips and

she drank it down in two long sips and then proclaimed

then proclaimed maui wowie they'll know you were here

maui wowie they'll know you were here i shouted her eyes widened oh no

i shouted her eyes widened oh no you're right pudge she said maybe

you're right pudge she said maybe they'll go to the eagle and tell him

they'll go to the eagle and tell him that someone stole their wine

that someone stole their wine cooler she laughed and leaned out the

cooler she laughed and leaned out the window

window throwing the empty bottle onto the grass

throwing the empty bottle onto the grass and we found plenty of porn magazines

and we found plenty of porn magazines haphazardly stuffed in between

haphazardly stuffed in between mattresses and box springs

mattresses and box springs it turns out that hank walston did like

it turns out that hank walston did like something other than basketball and pot

something other than basketball and pot he liked jugs but we didn't find a movie

he liked jugs but we didn't find a movie until room 32 occupied by a couple of

until room 32 occupied by a couple of guys from mississippi named joe and

guys from mississippi named joe and marcus

marcus they were in our religion class and

they were in our religion class and sometimes sat with the colonel and me at

sometimes sat with the colonel and me at lunch but

lunch but i didn't know them well alaska read the

i didn't know them well alaska read the sticker on the top of the video the

sticker on the top of the video the of madison county well ain't

of madison county well ain't that just a light fall

that just a light fall we ran with it to the tv room closed the

we ran with it to the tv room closed the blinds

blinds locked the door and watched the movie it

locked the door and watched the movie it opened with a woman

opened with a woman standing on a bridge with her legs

standing on a bridge with her legs spread while a guy knelt in front of her

spread while a guy knelt in front of her giving her oral sex

giving her oral sex no time for dialogue i suppose by the

no time for dialogue i suppose by the time they started doing it alaska

time they started doing it alaska commenced with her righteous indignation

commenced with her righteous indignation they just don't make sex look fun for

they just don't make sex look fun for women

women the girl is just an object look look at

the girl is just an object look look at that

that i was already looking needless to say

i was already looking needless to say a woman crouched on her hands and knees

a woman crouched on her hands and knees while a guy knelt behind her

while a guy knelt behind her she kept saying give it to me and

she kept saying give it to me and moaning

moaning and though her eyes brown and blank

and though her eyes brown and blank betrayed her lack of interest

betrayed her lack of interest i couldn't help but take mental notes

i couldn't help but take mental notes hands on her shoulders

hands on her shoulders i noted fast but not too fast or it's

i noted fast but not too fast or it's going to be over

going to be over fast keep your grunting to a minimum

fast keep your grunting to a minimum as if reading my mind she said god pudge

as if reading my mind she said god pudge never do it that hard that would hurt

never do it that hard that would hurt that looks like torture and all she can

that looks like torture and all she can do is just sit there and take it

do is just sit there and take it this is not a man and a woman it's a

this is not a man and a woman it's a penis and a vagina what's erotic about

penis and a vagina what's erotic about that where's the kissing

that where's the kissing given their position i don't think they

given their position i don't think they can kiss right now

can kiss right now i noted that's my point just by virtue

i noted that's my point just by virtue of how they're doing it it's

of how they're doing it it's objectification

objectification he can't even see her face this is what

he can't even see her face this is what can happen to women pudge

can happen to women pudge that woman is someone's daughter this is

that woman is someone's daughter this is what you make us

what you make us do for money well not me

do for money well not me i said defensively i mean not

i said defensively i mean not technically i don't like produce porn

technically i don't like produce porn movies

movies look me in the eye and tell me this

look me in the eye and tell me this doesn't turn you on pudge

doesn't turn you on pudge i couldn't she laughed it was fine she

i couldn't she laughed it was fine she said

said healthy and then she got up stopped the

healthy and then she got up stopped the tape lay down on her stomach across

tape lay down on her stomach across the couch and mumbled something what did

the couch and mumbled something what did you say

you say i asked walking to her putting my hand

i asked walking to her putting my hand on the small of her back

on the small of her back she said i'm sleeping

she said i'm sleeping just like that from 100 miles an hour to

just like that from 100 miles an hour to a sleep in a nano second

a sleep in a nano second i wanted so badly to lie down next to

i wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch

her on the couch to wrap my arms around her and sleep not

to wrap my arms around her and sleep not like in those movies not even have

like in those movies not even have sex

sex just sleep together in the most innocent

just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the phrase

sense of the phrase but i lacked the courage and she had a

but i lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and

boyfriend and i was gawky and she was gorgeous and i

i was gawky and she was gorgeous and i was hopelessly boring and she was

was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating

endlessly fascinating so i walked back to my room and

so i walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk

collapsed on the bottom bunk thinking that if people were rain i was

thinking that if people were rain i was drizzle

drizzle when she was a hurricane

47 days before on wednesday morning i woke up with a stuffy nose to an

woke up with a stuffy nose to an entirely new alabama

entirely new alabama a crisp and cold one as i walked to

a crisp and cold one as i walked to alaska's room that morning

alaska's room that morning the frosty grass of the dorm circle

the frosty grass of the dorm circle crunched beneath my shoes

crunched beneath my shoes you don't run into frost much in florida

you don't run into frost much in florida and i jumped up and down like i was

and i jumped up and down like i was stomping on bubble wrap

stomping on bubble wrap crunch crunch crunch alaska was holding

crunch crunch crunch alaska was holding a burning green candle in her hand

a burning green candle in her hand upside down

upside down dripping the wax onto a larger homemade

dripping the wax onto a larger homemade candle

candle that looked a bit like a technicolor

that looked a bit like a technicolor middle school science project volcano

middle school science project volcano don't burn yourself i said as the flame

don't burn yourself i said as the flame crept up toward her hand

crept up toward her hand night falls fast today is in the past

night falls fast today is in the past she said without looking up

she said without looking up wait i've read that before what is that

wait i've read that before what is that i asked

i asked with her free hand she grabbed a book

with her free hand she grabbed a book and tossed it toward me

and tossed it toward me it landed at my feet poem she said

it landed at my feet poem she said edna saint vincent malay you've read

edna saint vincent malay you've read that i'm stunned

that i'm stunned oh i read her biography didn't have her

oh i read her biography didn't have her last words in it though

last words in it though i was a little bitter all i remember is

i was a little bitter all i remember is that she had a lot of sex

that she had a lot of sex i know she's my hero alaska said without

i know she's my hero alaska said without a trace of irony

a trace of irony i laughed but she didn't notice does it

i laughed but she didn't notice does it seem at all

seem at all odd to you that you enjoy biographies of

odd to you that you enjoy biographies of great writers a lot more than you enjoy

great writers a lot more than you enjoy their actual writing

their actual writing nope i announced just because they were

nope i announced just because they were interesting people doesn't mean i care

interesting people doesn't mean i care to hear their musings on night time

to hear their musings on night time it's about depression dumbass

it's about depression dumbass oh really well geez then it's brilliant

oh really well geez then it's brilliant i answered

i answered she sighed all right the snow may be

she sighed all right the snow may be falling in the winter of my discontent

falling in the winter of my discontent but at least i've got sarcastic company

but at least i've got sarcastic company sit down will you

sit down will you i sat down next to her with my legs

i sat down next to her with my legs crossed and our knees touching

crossed and our knees touching she pulled a clear plastic crate filled

she pulled a clear plastic crate filled with dozens of candles out from

with dozens of candles out from underneath her bed

underneath her bed she looked at it for a moment then

she looked at it for a moment then handed me a white one and a lighter

handed me a white one and a lighter we spent all morning burning candles

we spent all morning burning candles well

well and occasionally lighting cigarettes off

and occasionally lighting cigarettes off the burning candles after we stuffed a

the burning candles after we stuffed a towel into the crack at the bottom of

towel into the crack at the bottom of her door

her door over the course of two hours we added a

over the course of two hours we added a full foot to the summit of her

full foot to the summit of her polychrome candle volcano

polychrome candle volcano mount saint helens on acid she said

mount saint helens on acid she said at 12 30 after two hours of me begging

at 12 30 after two hours of me begging for a ride to mcdonald's

for a ride to mcdonald's alaska decided it was time for lunch as

alaska decided it was time for lunch as we began to walk to the student parking

we began to walk to the student parking lot

lot i saw a strange car a small green car

i saw a strange car a small green car a hatchback i've seen that car i thought

a hatchback i've seen that car i thought where have i seen the car and then the

where have i seen the car and then the colonel

colonel jumped out and ran to meet us rather

jumped out and ran to meet us rather than like

than like i don't know hello or something the

i don't know hello or something the colonel began

colonel began i have been instructed to invite you to

i have been instructed to invite you to thanksgiving dinner at shea martin

thanksgiving dinner at shea martin alaska whispered into my ear and then i

alaska whispered into my ear and then i laughed and said

laughed and said i have been instructed to accept your

i have been instructed to accept your invitation

invitation so we walked over to the eagles house

so we walked over to the eagles house told him we were going to eat turkey

told him we were going to eat turkey trailer park style

trailer park style and sped away in a hatchback the colonel

and sped away in a hatchback the colonel explained it to us on the two-hour car

explained it to us on the two-hour car ride south

ride south i was crammed into the back seat because

i was crammed into the back seat because alaska had called shotgun

alaska had called shotgun she usually drove but when she didn't

she usually drove but when she didn't she was shotgun calling queen of the

she was shotgun calling queen of the world

world the colonel's mother heard that we were

the colonel's mother heard that we were on campus and couldn't bear the thought

on campus and couldn't bear the thought of leaving us family-less for

of leaving us family-less for thanksgiving

thanksgiving the colonel didn't seem too keen on the

the colonel didn't seem too keen on the whole idea i'm gonna have to sleep in a

whole idea i'm gonna have to sleep in a tent he said and i laughed

tent he said and i laughed except it turns out he did have to sleep

except it turns out he did have to sleep in a tent

in a tent a nice four-person green outfit shaped

a nice four-person green outfit shaped like half an egg but

like half an egg but still a tent the colonel's mom lived in

still a tent the colonel's mom lived in a trailer

a trailer as in the kind of thing you might see

as in the kind of thing you might see attached to a large pickup truck

attached to a large pickup truck except this particular one was old and

except this particular one was old and falling apart on its cinder blocks

falling apart on its cinder blocks and probably couldn't have been hooked

and probably couldn't have been hooked up to a truck without disintegrating

up to a truck without disintegrating it wasn't even a particularly big

it wasn't even a particularly big trailer i could just barely stand up to

trailer i could just barely stand up to my full height without scraping the

my full height without scraping the ceiling

ceiling now i understood why the colonel was

now i understood why the colonel was short he couldn't afford to be any

short he couldn't afford to be any taller

taller the place was really one long room with

the place was really one long room with a full-size bed in the front

a full-size bed in the front a kitchenette and a living area in the

a kitchenette and a living area in the back with a tv in a small bathroom

back with a tv in a small bathroom so small that in order to take a shower

so small that in order to take a shower you pretty much had to sit on the toilet

you pretty much had to sit on the toilet it ain't much the colonel's mom that's

it ain't much the colonel's mom that's dolores not miss martin

dolores not miss martin told us but y'all's gonna have a turkey

told us but y'all's gonna have a turkey the size of the kitchen

the size of the kitchen she laughed the colonel ushered us out

she laughed the colonel ushered us out of the trailer immediately after our

of the trailer immediately after our brief tour

brief tour and we walked through the neighborhood a

and we walked through the neighborhood a series of trailers and mobile homes on

series of trailers and mobile homes on dirt roads

dirt roads well now you get why i hate rich people

well now you get why i hate rich people and i did i couldn't fathom how the

and i did i couldn't fathom how the colonel grew

colonel grew up in such a small place the entire

up in such a small place the entire trailer was smaller than our dorm room

trailer was smaller than our dorm room i didn't know what to say to him how to

i didn't know what to say to him how to make him feel less embarrassed

make him feel less embarrassed i'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable

i'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable he said

he said i know it's probably foreign not to me

i know it's probably foreign not to me alaska piped up well you don't live in a

alaska piped up well you don't live in a trailer he told her

trailer he told her poor is poor i suppose

poor is poor i suppose the colonel said alaska decided to go

the colonel said alaska decided to go help dolores with dinner

help dolores with dinner she said that it was sexist to leave the

she said that it was sexist to leave the cooking to the women

cooking to the women but better to have good sexist food than

but better to have good sexist food than crappy boy prepared food

crappy boy prepared food so the colonel and i sat on the pull out

so the colonel and i sat on the pull out couch in the living room playing video

couch in the living room playing video games and talking about school

games and talking about school i finished my religion paper but i have

i finished my religion paper but i have to type it up on your computer when we

to type it up on your computer when we get back

get back i think i'm ready for finals which is

i think i'm ready for finals which is good since we have an

good since we have an anc pray to and play your mom doesn't

anc pray to and play your mom doesn't know pig latin

know pig latin i smirked not if i talk fast christ be

i smirked not if i talk fast christ be quiet

quiet the food fried okra steamed corn on the

the food fried okra steamed corn on the cob and pot roast that was so

cob and pot roast that was so tender it fell right off the plastic

tender it fell right off the plastic fork convinced me that dolores was an

fork convinced me that dolores was an even better cook than maureen

even better cook than maureen culver creek's okra had more grease less

culver creek's okra had more grease less crunch

crunch delores was also the funniest mom i'd

delores was also the funniest mom i'd ever met

ever met when alaska asked her what she did for

when alaska asked her what she did for work she smiled and said i'm a culinary

work she smiled and said i'm a culinary engineer

engineer that's a short order cook at the waffle

that's a short order cook at the waffle house to y'all

house to y'all best waffle house in alabama the colonel

best waffle house in alabama the colonel smiled

smiled and then i realized he wasn't

and then i realized he wasn't embarrassed by his mom at all

embarrassed by his mom at all he was just scared that we would act

he was just scared that we would act like condescending boarding school

like condescending boarding school snobs i'd always found the colonel's i

snobs i'd always found the colonel's i hate the rich routine a little

hate the rich routine a little overwrought

overwrought until i saw him with his mom he was the

until i saw him with his mom he was the same colonel but in a totally different

same colonel but in a totally different context

context it made me hope that one day i could

it made me hope that one day i could meet alaska's family too

meet alaska's family too dolores insisted that alaska and i

dolores insisted that alaska and i shared the bed

shared the bed and she slept on the pull out while the

and she slept on the pull out while the colonel was out in his tent

colonel was out in his tent i worried he would get cold but frankly

i worried he would get cold but frankly i wasn't about to give up my bed with

i wasn't about to give up my bed with alaska

alaska we had separate blankets and they were

we had separate blankets and they were never fewer than three layers between us

never fewer than three layers between us but the possibilities kept me up half

but the possibilities kept me up half the night

46 days before best thanksgiving food i'd ever had no

best thanksgiving food i'd ever had no crappy cranberry sauce

crappy cranberry sauce just huge slabs of moist white meat

just huge slabs of moist white meat corn green beans cooked in enough bacon

corn green beans cooked in enough bacon fat to make them taste like they weren't

fat to make them taste like they weren't good for you

good for you biscuits with gravy pumpkin pie for

biscuits with gravy pumpkin pie for dessert and a glass of red wine for each

dessert and a glass of red wine for each of us

of us i believe dolores said that you're

i believe dolores said that you're supposed to drink

supposed to drink white with turkey but now i don't know

white with turkey but now i don't know about y'all

about y'all but i don't suppose i give a we

but i don't suppose i give a we laughed and drank our wine

laughed and drank our wine and then after the meal we each listed

and then after the meal we each listed our gratitudes

our gratitudes my family always did that before the

my family always did that before the meal and we all just rushed through it

meal and we all just rushed through it to get to the food

to get to the food so the four of us sat around the table

so the four of us sat around the table and shared our blessings

and shared our blessings i was thankful for the fine food and the

i was thankful for the fine food and the fine company

fine company for having a home on thanksgiving a

for having a home on thanksgiving a trailer at least

trailer at least dolores joked okay my turn alaska said

dolores joked okay my turn alaska said i'm grateful for having just had my best

i'm grateful for having just had my best thanksgiving in a

thanksgiving in a decade then the colonel said

decade then the colonel said i'm just grateful for you mom and

i'm just grateful for you mom and dolores laughed and said

dolores laughed and said that dog won't hunt boy i didn't exactly

that dog won't hunt boy i didn't exactly know what that phrase meant

know what that phrase meant but it apparently meant that was

but it apparently meant that was inadequate because then the colonel

inadequate because then the colonel expanded his list

expanded his list to acknowledge that he was grateful to

to acknowledge that he was grateful to be the smartest human being

be the smartest human being in this trailer park and dolores laughed

in this trailer park and dolores laughed and said

and said good enough and dolores

good enough and dolores she was grateful that her phone was back

she was grateful that her phone was back on that her boy was home

on that her boy was home that alaska helped her cook and that i

that alaska helped her cook and that i had kept the kernel out of her hair

had kept the kernel out of her hair that her job was steady and her

that her job was steady and her co-workers were nice that she had a

co-workers were nice that she had a place to sleep

place to sleep and a boy who loved her i sat in the

and a boy who loved her i sat in the back of the hatchback on the drive home

back of the hatchback on the drive home and that is how i thought of it home and

and that is how i thought of it home and fell asleep

fell asleep to the highway's monotonous lullaby

to the highway's monotonous lullaby forty four days before

forty four days before kusa liquors entire business model is

kusa liquors entire business model is built around selling cigarettes to

built around selling cigarettes to minors and alcohol to adults

minors and alcohol to adults alaska looked at me with disconcerting

alaska looked at me with disconcerting frequency when she drove

frequency when she drove particularly since we were winding

particularly since we were winding through a narrow hilly highway south of

through a narrow hilly highway south of school

school headed to the aforementioned cusa

headed to the aforementioned cusa liquors it was saturday

liquors it was saturday our last day of real vacation which is

our last day of real vacation which is great if all you need is cigarettes but

great if all you need is cigarettes but we need booze and they card for booze

we need booze and they card for booze and my id

and my id blows but i'll flirt my way through she

blows but i'll flirt my way through she made a sudden and unsignaled left turn

made a sudden and unsignaled left turn pulling onto a road that dropped

pulling onto a road that dropped precipitously down a hill

precipitously down a hill with fields on either side and she

with fields on either side and she gripped the steering wheel tight as we

gripped the steering wheel tight as we accelerated

accelerated and she waited until the last possible

and she waited until the last possible moment to break just before we reached

moment to break just before we reached the bottom of the hill

the bottom of the hill there stood a plywood gas station that

there stood a plywood gas station that no longer sold gas

no longer sold gas with a faded sign bolted to the roof

with a faded sign bolted to the roof kuso liquors

kuso liquors we cater to your spiritual needs

we cater to your spiritual needs alaska went in alone and walked out the

alaska went in alone and walked out the door five minutes later

door five minutes later weighed down by two paper bags filled

weighed down by two paper bags filled with contraband

with contraband three cartons of cigarettes five bottles

three cartons of cigarettes five bottles of wine and a fifth of vodka for the

of wine and a fifth of vodka for the colonel

colonel on the way home alaska said you like

on the way home alaska said you like knock knock jokes

knock knock jokes knock knock jokes i asked you mean like

knock knock jokes i asked you mean like knock knock who's there replied alaska

knock knock who's there replied alaska who who who what are you an owl

who who who what are you an owl i finished lame

i finished lame that was brilliant said alaska i have

that was brilliant said alaska i have one you start

one you start okay knock knock who's there said alaska

okay knock knock who's there said alaska i looked at her blankly about a minute

i looked at her blankly about a minute later i got it and laughed my mom told

later i got it and laughed my mom told me that joke when i was six

me that joke when i was six it's still funny

so i could not have been more surprised when she showed up

when she showed up sobbing at room 43 just as i was putting

sobbing at room 43 just as i was putting the finishing touches on my final paper

the finishing touches on my final paper for english

for english she sat down on the couch her every

she sat down on the couch her every exhalation a mix of

exhalation a mix of whimper and scream i'm sorry

whimper and scream i'm sorry she said heaving snot was dribbling down

she said heaving snot was dribbling down her chin

her chin what's wrong i asked she picked up a

what's wrong i asked she picked up a kleenex from the coffee table and wiped

kleenex from the coffee table and wiped at her face

at her face i don't she started and then a sob came

i don't she started and then a sob came like a tsunami

like a tsunami her cry so loud and childlike that it

her cry so loud and childlike that it scared me and i got up

scared me and i got up sat down next to her and put my arm

sat down next to her and put my arm around her she turned away

around her she turned away pushing her head into the foam of the

pushing her head into the foam of the couch i don't understand why i screw

couch i don't understand why i screw everything up

everything up she said what like with mariah

she said what like with mariah maybe you were just scared scared isn't

maybe you were just scared scared isn't a good excuse

a good excuse she shouted into the couch scared is the

she shouted into the couch scared is the excuse

excuse everyone has always used i didn't know

everyone has always used i didn't know who everyone was or when

who everyone was or when always was and as much as i wanted to

always was and as much as i wanted to understand her ambiguities

understand her ambiguities the slyness was growing annoying why are

the slyness was growing annoying why are you upset about this

you upset about this now it's not just that it's everything

now it's not just that it's everything but i told the colonel in the car she

but i told the colonel in the car she sniffled

sniffled but seemed done with the sobs while you

but seemed done with the sobs while you were sleeping in the back

were sleeping in the back and he said he'd never let me out of his

and he said he'd never let me out of his sight during pranks

sight during pranks that he couldn't trust me on my own and

that he couldn't trust me on my own and i don't blame him

i don't blame him i don't even trust me it took guts to

i don't even trust me it took guts to tell him

tell him i said i have guts just not when it

i said i have guts just not when it counts

counts will you um and she sat up straight

will you um and she sat up straight and then moved toward me and i raised my

and then moved toward me and i raised my arm as she collapsed into my skinny

arm as she collapsed into my skinny chest and cried

chest and cried i felt bad for her but she'd done it to

i felt bad for her but she'd done it to herself

herself she didn't have to rat

i don't want to upset you but maybe you just need to tell us all

just need to tell us all why you told on mariah were you scared

why you told on mariah were you scared of

of going home or something she pulled away

going home or something she pulled away from me and gave me a look of

from me and gave me a look of doom that would have made the eagle

doom that would have made the eagle proud and i felt like she hated me

proud and i felt like she hated me or my question or both and then she

or my question or both and then she looked away out the window toward the

looked away out the window toward the soccer field

soccer field and said there's no home

and said there's no home well you have a family i backpedaled

well you have a family i backpedaled she'd talked to me about her mom just

she'd talked to me about her mom just that morning

that morning how could the girl who told that joke

how could the girl who told that joke three hours before become a sobbing mess

three hours before become a sobbing mess still staring at me she said i try

still staring at me she said i try not to be scared you know but i still

not to be scared you know but i still ruin

ruin everything i still up

everything i still up okay i told her it's okay

okay i told her it's okay i didn't even know what she was talking

i didn't even know what she was talking about anymore one vague notion after

about anymore one vague notion after another don't you know who you love

another don't you know who you love pudge you love the girl who makes you

pudge you love the girl who makes you laugh and shows you porn and drinks wine

laugh and shows you porn and drinks wine with you

with you you don't love the crazy sullen

you don't love the crazy sullen and there was something to that truth be

and there was something to that truth be told

christmas we all went home for christmas break

break even purportedly homeless alaska i got a

even purportedly homeless alaska i got a nice

nice watch and a new wallet grown-up gifts my

watch and a new wallet grown-up gifts my dad called them

dad called them but mostly i just studied for those two

but mostly i just studied for those two weeks

weeks christmas vacation wasn't really a

christmas vacation wasn't really a vacation on account of how it was our

vacation on account of how it was our last chance to study for exams which

last chance to study for exams which started the day after we got back

started the day after we got back i focused on pre-calc and biology the

i focused on pre-calc and biology the two classes that most deeply threatened

two classes that most deeply threatened my goal of a 3.4 gpa

my goal of a 3.4 gpa i wish i could say i was in it for the

i wish i could say i was in it for the thrill of learning

thrill of learning but mostly i was in it for the thrill of

but mostly i was in it for the thrill of getting into a worthwhile college

getting into a worthwhile college so yeah i spent a lot of my time at home

so yeah i spent a lot of my time at home studying math and memorizing french

studying math and memorizing french vocab

vocab just like i had before culver creek

just like i had before culver creek really

really being at home for two weeks was just

being at home for two weeks was just like my entire life before culver creek

like my entire life before culver creek except my parents were more emotional

except my parents were more emotional they talked very little about their trip

they talked very little about their trip to london

to london i think they felt guilty that's a funny

i think they felt guilty that's a funny thing about parents

thing about parents even though i pretty much stayed at the

even though i pretty much stayed at the creek over thanksgiving because i wanted

creek over thanksgiving because i wanted to

to my parents still felt guilty it's nice

my parents still felt guilty it's nice to have people who will feel guilty for

to have people who will feel guilty for you

you although i could have lived without my

although i could have lived without my mom crying during every single family

mom crying during every single family dinner

dinner she would say i'm a bad mother and my

she would say i'm a bad mother and my dad and i would immediately reply

dad and i would immediately reply no you're not even my dad

no you're not even my dad who was affectionate but not like

who was affectionate but not like sentimental

sentimental randomly while we were watching the

randomly while we were watching the simpsons said he missed me

simpsons said he missed me i said i missed him too and i did

i said i missed him too and i did sort of they're such nice people

sort of they're such nice people we went to the movies and played card

we went to the movies and played card games and i told them the stories i

games and i told them the stories i could tell them without horrifying them

could tell them without horrifying them and they listened my dad who sold real

and they listened my dad who sold real estate for a living but read more books

estate for a living but read more books than anyone i knew

than anyone i knew talked with me about the books i was

talked with me about the books i was reading for english class and my mom

reading for english class and my mom insisted that i sit with her in the

insisted that i sit with her in the kitchen and learn how to make simple

kitchen and learn how to make simple dishes

dishes macaroni scrambled eggs now that i was

macaroni scrambled eggs now that i was living on my own

living on my own never mind that i didn't have or want a

never mind that i didn't have or want a kitchen

kitchen never mind that i didn't like eggs or

never mind that i didn't like eggs or macaroni and cheese

macaroni and cheese by new year's day i could make them

by new year's day i could make them anyway

anyway when i left they both cried my mom

when i left they both cried my mom explaining that it was just

explaining that it was just empty nest syndrome that they were just

empty nest syndrome that they were just so proud of me

so proud of me that they loved me so much that put a

that they loved me so much that put a lump in my throat

lump in my throat and i didn't care about thanksgiving

and i didn't care about thanksgiving anymore

anymore i had a family

eight days before alaska walked in on the first day back from christmas break

the first day back from christmas break and sat beside the colonel on the couch

and sat beside the colonel on the couch the colonel was hard at work breaking a

the colonel was hard at work breaking a land speed record on the playstation

land speed record on the playstation she didn't say she missed us or that she

she didn't say she missed us or that she was glad to see us

was glad to see us she just looked at the couch and said

she just looked at the couch and said you really need a new couch

you really need a new couch please don't address me when i'm racing

please don't address me when i'm racing the colonel said

the colonel said god does jeff gordon have to put up with

god does jeff gordon have to put up with this

this i've got an idea she said it's great

i've got an idea she said it's great what we need

what we need is a pre prank that coincides with an

is a pre prank that coincides with an attack on kevin

attack on kevin and his minions she said i was sitting

and his minions she said i was sitting on the bed reading the textbook in

on the bed reading the textbook in preparation for my american history exam

preparation for my american history exam the next day

the next day a pre prank i asked

a pre prank i asked a prank designed to lull the

a prank designed to lull the administration into a false sense of

administration into a false sense of security

security the colonel answered annoyed by the

the colonel answered annoyed by the distraction

distraction after the pre-prank the eagle will think

after the pre-prank the eagle will think the junior class has done its prank and

the junior class has done its prank and won't be waiting for it when it actually

won't be waiting for it when it actually comes

comes every year the junior and senior classes

every year the junior and senior classes pulled off a prank at some point in the

pulled off a prank at some point in the year

year usually something lame like roman

usually something lame like roman candles in the dorm circle at five in

candles in the dorm circle at five in the morning on a sunday

the morning on a sunday is there always a pre-prank i asked no

is there always a pre-prank i asked no you idiot the colonel said if there was

you idiot the colonel said if there was always a pre-prank then the eagle would

always a pre-prank then the eagle would expect

expect two pranks the last time a pre-prank was

two pranks the last time a pre-prank was used hmm

used hmm oh right 1987 when the pre-prank was

oh right 1987 when the pre-prank was cutting off electricity to campus and

cutting off electricity to campus and then the actual prank

then the actual prank was putting 500 live crickets in the

was putting 500 live crickets in the heating ducts of the classrooms

heating ducts of the classrooms sometimes you can still hear the

sometimes you can still hear the chirping

chirping your rote memorization is like so

your rote memorization is like so impressive i said

impressive i said you guys are like an old married couple

you guys are like an old married couple alaska smiled

alaska smiled in a creepy way you don't know the half

in a creepy way you don't know the half of it the colonel said

of it the colonel said you should see this kid try to crawl

you should see this kid try to crawl into bed with me at night

into bed with me at night hey let's get on subject alaska said

hey let's get on subject alaska said pre-prank this weekend since there's a

pre-prank this weekend since there's a new moon

new moon we're staying at the barn you me the

we're staying at the barn you me the colonel takumi and as a special gift to

colonel takumi and as a special gift to you pudge

you pudge lara butterskaya the lara buddha skya i

lara butterskaya the lara buddha skya i puked on she's just shy she still likes

puked on she's just shy she still likes you

you alaska laughed puking made you look

alaska laughed puking made you look vulnerable

vulnerable very perky boobs the colonel said are

very perky boobs the colonel said are you bringing to kumi for me

you bringing to kumi for me you need to be single for a while true

you need to be single for a while true enough

enough the colonel said just spend a few more

the colonel said just spend a few more months playing video games

months playing video games she said that hand eye coordination will

she said that hand eye coordination will come in handy when you get to third base

come in handy when you get to third base gosh i haven't heard the bass system in

gosh i haven't heard the bass system in so long i think i've forgotten third

so long i think i've forgotten third base the colonel responded

base the colonel responded i would roll my eyes at you but i can't

i would roll my eyes at you but i can't afford to look away from the screen

afford to look away from the screen french feel finger it's like you

french feel finger it's like you skipped third grade

skipped third grade alaska said i did skip third grade

alaska said i did skip third grade the colonel answered so i said what's

the colonel answered so i said what's our pre-prank

our pre-prank the colonel and i will work that out no

the colonel and i will work that out no need to get you into trouble

need to get you into trouble yet oh okay

yet oh okay um i'm gonna go for a cigarette then

um i'm gonna go for a cigarette then i left it wasn't the first time alaska

i left it wasn't the first time alaska had left me out of the loop certainly

had left me out of the loop certainly but after we'd been together so much

but after we'd been together so much over thanksgiving it seemed ridiculous

over thanksgiving it seemed ridiculous to plan the prank with the colonel but

to plan the prank with the colonel but without me

without me whose t-shirts were wet with her tears

whose t-shirts were wet with her tears mine

mine who'd listened to her reed vonnegut me

who'd listened to her reed vonnegut me who'd been the butt of the world's worst

who'd been the butt of the world's worst knock knock joke me i walked to the

knock knock joke me i walked to the sunny convenience kiosk across from

sunny convenience kiosk across from school and smoked

school and smoked this never happened to me in florida

this never happened to me in florida this oso high school angst about

this oso high school angst about who likes whom more and i hated myself

who likes whom more and i hated myself for letting it happen now

for letting it happen now you don't have to care about her i told

you don't have to care about her i told myself

myself screw her

four days before the colonel wouldn't tell me a word about the pre-prank

tell me a word about the pre-prank except that it was to be called barn

except that it was to be called barn night and that when i packed

night and that when i packed i should pack for two days monday

i should pack for two days monday tuesday and wednesday were torture the

tuesday and wednesday were torture the colonel was

colonel was always with alaska and i was never

always with alaska and i was never invited

invited so i spent an inordinate amount of time

so i spent an inordinate amount of time studying for finals

studying for finals which helped my gpa considerably and i

which helped my gpa considerably and i finally

finally finished my religion paper my answer to

finished my religion paper my answer to the question was straightforward enough

the question was straightforward enough really

really most christians and muslims believe in a

most christians and muslims believe in a heaven and a hell

heaven and a hell though there's a lot of disagreement

though there's a lot of disagreement within both religions over what exactly

within both religions over what exactly will get you into one afterlife or the

will get you into one afterlife or the other

other buddhists are more complicated because

buddhists are more complicated because of the buddha's doctrine of

of the buddha's doctrine of anata which basically says that people

anata which basically says that people don't have eternal souls

don't have eternal souls instead they have a bundle of energy and

instead they have a bundle of energy and that bundle of energy

that bundle of energy is transitory migrating from one body to

is transitory migrating from one body to another

another reincarnating endlessly until it

reincarnating endlessly until it eventually reaches enlightenment

eventually reaches enlightenment i never liked writing concluding

i never liked writing concluding paragraphs to papers

paragraphs to papers where you just repeat what you've

where you just repeat what you've already said with phrases like in

already said with phrases like in summation and

summation and to conclude i didn't do that instead

to conclude i didn't do that instead i talked about why i thought it was an

i talked about why i thought it was an important question

important question people i thought wanted security they

people i thought wanted security they couldn't bear the idea of death being a

couldn't bear the idea of death being a big black nothing

big black nothing couldn't bear the thought of their loved

couldn't bear the thought of their loved ones not existing

ones not existing and couldn't even imagine themselves not

and couldn't even imagine themselves not existing

existing i finally decided that people believed

i finally decided that people believed in an afterlife

in an afterlife because they couldn't bear not to

because they couldn't bear not to three days before on friday

three days before on friday after a surprisingly successful pre-calc

after a surprisingly successful pre-calc exam that brought my first set of culver

exam that brought my first set of culver creek finals to a close

creek finals to a close i packed clothes think new york trendy

i packed clothes think new york trendy the colonel advised

the colonel advised think black think sensible comfortable

think black think sensible comfortable but warm

but warm and my sleeping bag into a backpack and

and my sleeping bag into a backpack and we picked up takumi in his room

we picked up takumi in his room and walked to the eagle's house the

and walked to the eagle's house the eagle was wearing his

eagle was wearing his only outfit and i wondered whether he

only outfit and i wondered whether he just had 30 identical white button-down

just had 30 identical white button-down shirts and 30 identical black ties in

shirts and 30 identical black ties in his closet

his closet i pictured him waking up in the morning

i pictured him waking up in the morning staring at his closet and thinking

staring at his closet and thinking hmm how about a white shirt and a black

hmm how about a white shirt and a black tie

tie talk about a guy who could use a wife

talk about a guy who could use a wife i'm taking miles and takumi home for the

i'm taking miles and takumi home for the weekend to new hope

weekend to new hope the colonel told him miles liked his

the colonel told him miles liked his taste of new hope that much

taste of new hope that much the eagle asked me yee haw

the eagle asked me yee haw there's gonna be a hoe down at the

there's gonna be a hoe down at the trailer park

trailer park the colonel said he could actually have

the colonel said he could actually have a southern accent when he wanted to

a southern accent when he wanted to although like most everyone at culver

although like most everyone at culver creek he didn't usually speak with one

creek he didn't usually speak with one hold on a moment while i call your mom

hold on a moment while i call your mom the eagle said to the colonel takumi

the eagle said to the colonel takumi looked at me with poorly disguised panic

looked at me with poorly disguised panic and i felt lunch fried chicken rising in

and i felt lunch fried chicken rising in my stomach

my stomach but the colonel just smiled sure thing

but the colonel just smiled sure thing chip and miles and takumi will be at

chip and miles and takumi will be at your house this weekend

your house this weekend yes ma'am okay

yes ma'am okay bye now the eagle looked up at the

bye now the eagle looked up at the colonel

colonel your mom is a wonderful woman the eagle

your mom is a wonderful woman the eagle smiled

smiled you're telling me the colonel grinned

you're telling me the colonel grinned see you on sunday as we walk toward the

see you on sunday as we walk toward the gym parking lot the colonel said

gym parking lot the colonel said i called her yesterday and asked her to

i called her yesterday and asked her to cover for me and she didn't even ask

cover for me and she didn't even ask why she just said i sure trust you son

why she just said i sure trust you son and hot damn she does

and hot damn she does once out of sight of the eagle's house

once out of sight of the eagle's house we took a sharp right

we took a sharp right into the woods we walked on the dirt

into the woods we walked on the dirt road over the bridge and back to the

road over the bridge and back to the school's barn

school's barn a dilapidated leak-prone structure that

a dilapidated leak-prone structure that looked more like a long abandoned log

looked more like a long abandoned log cabin than a barn they still stored hay

cabin than a barn they still stored hay there

there although i don't know what for it wasn't

although i don't know what for it wasn't like we had an equestrian program or

like we had an equestrian program or anything

anything the colonel takumi and i got there first

the colonel takumi and i got there first setting up our sleeping bags on the

setting up our sleeping bags on the softest bales of hay

softest bales of hay it was six thirty alaska came shortly

it was six thirty alaska came shortly after

after having told the eagles she was spending

having told the eagles she was spending the weekend with jake

the weekend with jake the eagle didn't check that story

the eagle didn't check that story because alaska spent at least one

because alaska spent at least one weekend there every month

weekend there every month and he knew that her parents never cared

and he knew that her parents never cared lara showed up half an hour later

lara showed up half an hour later she'd told the eagle that she was

she'd told the eagle that she was driving to atlanta to see an old friend

driving to atlanta to see an old friend from romania

from romania the eagle called lara's parents to make

the eagle called lara's parents to make sure that they knew she was spending a

sure that they knew she was spending a weekend off campus

weekend off campus and they didn't mind they trust me

and they didn't mind they trust me she smiled you don't sound like you have

she smiled you don't sound like you have an accent sometimes i said

an accent sometimes i said which was pretty stupid but a darn sight

which was pretty stupid but a darn sight better than throwing up on her

better than throwing up on her it's only soft eyes no soft eyes in

it's only soft eyes no soft eyes in russian

russian i asked romanian she corrected me

i asked romanian she corrected me turns out romanian is a language who

turns out romanian is a language who knew

knew my cultural sensitivity quotient was

my cultural sensitivity quotient was going to have to drastically increase

going to have to drastically increase if i was going to share a sleeping bag

if i was going to share a sleeping bag with lara anytime soon

with lara anytime soon everybody was sitting on sleeping bags

everybody was sitting on sleeping bags alaska smoking with flagrant disregard

alaska smoking with flagrant disregard for the overwhelming flammability of the

for the overwhelming flammability of the structure

structure when the colonel pulled out a single

when the colonel pulled out a single piece of computer paper and read from it

piece of computer paper and read from it the point of this evening's festivities

the point of this evening's festivities is to prove

is to prove once and for all that we are to pranking

once and for all that we are to pranking what the weekday warriors are to sucking

what the weekday warriors are to sucking but we'll also have the opportunity to

but we'll also have the opportunity to make life unpleasant for the

make life unpleasant for the eagle which is always a welcome pleasure

eagle which is always a welcome pleasure and so

and so he said pausing as if for a drum roll we

he said pausing as if for a drum roll we fight tonight

fight tonight a battle on three fronts front one

a battle on three fronts front one the pre-prank we will as it were light a

the pre-prank we will as it were light a fire

fire under the eagle's ass front two

under the eagle's ass front two operation baldy wherein lara flies solo

operation baldy wherein lara flies solo in a retaliatory mission so elegant and

in a retaliatory mission so elegant and cruel that it could only have been the

cruel that it could only have been the brainchild of

brainchild of well me hey alaska interrupted

well me hey alaska interrupted it was my idea okay fine it was alaska's

it was my idea okay fine it was alaska's idea

idea he laughed and finally front three the

he laughed and finally front three the progress reports

progress reports we're going to hack into the faculty

we're going to hack into the faculty computer network

computer network and use their grading database to send

and use their grading database to send out letters to kevin at

out letters to kevin at all's families saying that they are

all's families saying that they are failing some of their classes

failing some of their classes we are definitely going to get expelled

we are definitely going to get expelled i said

i said i hope you didn't bring the asian kid

i hope you didn't bring the asian kid along thinking he's a computer genius

along thinking he's a computer genius because

because i am not takumi said we're not going to

i am not takumi said we're not going to get expelled and

get expelled and i'm the computer genius the rest of you

i'm the computer genius the rest of you are muscle

are muscle and distraction we won't get expelled

and distraction we won't get expelled even if we get caught

even if we get caught because there are no expellable offenses

because there are no expellable offenses here

here well except for the five bottles of

well except for the five bottles of strawberry hill in alaska's backpack and

strawberry hill in alaska's backpack and that will be well hidden

that will be well hidden we're just you know wreaking a little

we're just you know wreaking a little havoc

havoc plan was laid out and it left no room

plan was laid out and it left no room for error

for error the colonel relied so heavily on perfect

the colonel relied so heavily on perfect synchronicity

synchronicity that if one of us messed up even

that if one of us messed up even slightly the endeavor would collapse

slightly the endeavor would collapse entirely

entirely he had printed up individual itineraries

he had printed up individual itineraries for each of us including times exact to

for each of us including times exact to the second

the second our watch is synchronized our clothes

our watch is synchronized our clothes black our backpacks on

black our backpacks on our breath visible in the cold our minds

our breath visible in the cold our minds filled with the minute details of the

filled with the minute details of the plan

plan our hearts racing we walked out of the

our hearts racing we walked out of the barn together once it was completely

barn together once it was completely dark

dark around seven the five of us walking

around seven the five of us walking confidently in a row

confidently in a row had never felt cooler the great perhaps

had never felt cooler the great perhaps was upon us

was upon us and we were invincible the plan may have

and we were invincible the plan may have had faults

had faults but we did not after five minutes we

but we did not after five minutes we split up to go to our destinations

split up to go to our destinations i stuck with the kumi we were the

i stuck with the kumi we were the distraction

distraction where the marines he said first

where the marines he said first to fight

to fight first to die i agreed nervously hell yes

first to die i agreed nervously hell yes he stopped and opened his bag not here

he stopped and opened his bag not here dude

dude i said we have to go to the eagles i

i said we have to go to the eagles i know

know i know just hold on he pulled out a

i know just hold on he pulled out a thick headband

thick headband it was brown with a plush fox head on

it was brown with a plush fox head on the front

the front he put it on his head i laughed what the

he put it on his head i laughed what the hell

hell is that it's my fox hat

is that it's my fox hat your fox hat yeah pudge my fox hat

your fox hat yeah pudge my fox hat why are you wearing your fox hat i asked

why are you wearing your fox hat i asked because no one can catch the

because no one can catch the fox

fox two minutes later we were crouching

two minutes later we were crouching behind the trees fifty feet from the

behind the trees fifty feet from the eagle's back door

eagle's back door my heart thumped like a techno drum beat

my heart thumped like a techno drum beat 30 seconds takumi whispered and i felt

30 seconds takumi whispered and i felt the same spooked nervousness that i'd

the same spooked nervousness that i'd felt that first night with alaska

felt that first night with alaska when she grabbed my hand and whispered

when she grabbed my hand and whispered run run run run

run run run run run but i stayed put i thought

run but i stayed put i thought we are not close enough i thought he

we are not close enough i thought he will not hear it

will not hear it i thought he will hear it and be out so

i thought he will hear it and be out so fast that we will have no

fast that we will have no chance i thought 20 seconds

chance i thought 20 seconds i was breathing hard and fast

i was breathing hard and fast hey pudge takumi whispered you can do

hey pudge takumi whispered you can do this dude

this dude it's just running right

it's just running right just running my knees are good my lungs

just running my knees are good my lungs are fair

are fair it's just running five he said

it's just running five he said four three two one

four three two one light it light it light it

light it light it light it it lit with a sizzle that reminded me of

it lit with a sizzle that reminded me of every july 4th with my family

every july 4th with my family we stood still for a nanosecond staring

we stood still for a nanosecond staring at the fuse making sure it was lit

at the fuse making sure it was lit and now i thought now

and now i thought now run run run run run but my body

run run run run run but my body didn't move until i heard takumi shout

didn't move until i heard takumi shout whisper

whisper go go and we went

go go and we went three seconds later a huge burst of pops

three seconds later a huge burst of pops it sounded to me like the automatic

it sounded to me like the automatic gunfire and decapitation except

gunfire and decapitation except louder we were 20 steps away already and

louder we were 20 steps away already and i thought my eardrums would burst

i thought my eardrums would burst i thought well he will certainly hear it

i thought well he will certainly hear it we ran past the soccer field and into

we ran past the soccer field and into the woods running up hill

the woods running up hill and with only the vaguest sense of

and with only the vaguest sense of direction in the dark

direction in the dark fallen branches and moss covered rocks

fallen branches and moss covered rocks appeared at the last possible second

appeared at the last possible second and i slipped and fell repeatedly and

and i slipped and fell repeatedly and worried that the eagle would catch up

worried that the eagle would catch up but i just kept getting up and running

but i just kept getting up and running beside takumi away from the classrooms

beside takumi away from the classrooms in the dorm circle

in the dorm circle we ran like we had golden shoes i ran

we ran like we had golden shoes i ran like a cheetah

like a cheetah well like a cheetah that smoked too much

well like a cheetah that smoked too much and then after precisely one minute of

and then after precisely one minute of running

running takumi stopped and ripped open his

takumi stopped and ripped open his backpack my turn to count down

backpack my turn to count down staring at my watch terrified by now he

staring at my watch terrified by now he was surely out

was surely out he was surely running he wondered if he

he was surely running he wondered if he was fast he was old

was fast he was old but he'd be mad five four three

but he'd be mad five four three two 1 and the sizzle we didn't pause

two 1 and the sizzle we didn't pause that time just ran

that time just ran still west breath heaving i wondered if

still west breath heaving i wondered if i could do this for 30 minutes

i could do this for 30 minutes the firecrackers exploded the pops ended

the firecrackers exploded the pops ended and the voice cried out

and the voice cried out stop right now but we did not stop

stop right now but we did not stop stopping was not in the plan i'm the

stopping was not in the plan i'm the fox

fox takumi whispered both to himself and to

takumi whispered both to himself and to me

me no one can catch the fox a minute later

no one can catch the fox a minute later i was on the ground takumi counted down

i was on the ground takumi counted down the fuse lit

the fuse lit we ran but it was a dud

we ran but it was a dud we had prepared for one dud bringing an

we had prepared for one dud bringing an extra string of firecrackers

extra string of firecrackers another though would cost the colonel in

another though would cost the colonel in alaska a minute

alaska a minute takumi crouched down on the ground lit

takumi crouched down on the ground lit the fuse and ran

the fuse and ran the popping started the fireworks bang

the popping started the fireworks bang bang banged in sync with my heartbeat

bang banged in sync with my heartbeat when the firecrackers finished i heard

when the firecrackers finished i heard stop or i'll call the police

stop or i'll call the police and though the voice was distant i could

and though the voice was distant i could feel his look of doom

feel his look of doom bearing down on me the pigs can't stop

bearing down on me the pigs can't stop the fox i'm too quick

the fox i'm too quick takumi said to himself i can rhyme while

takumi said to himself i can rhyme while i run

i run i'm that slick the colonel warned us

i'm that slick the colonel warned us about the police threat

about the police threat told us not to worry the eagle didn't

told us not to worry the eagle didn't like to bring the police to campus

like to bring the police to campus bad publicity so we ran over and under

bad publicity so we ran over and under and through

and through all manner of trees and bushes and

all manner of trees and bushes and branches

branches we fell we got up we ran if he couldn't

we fell we got up we ran if he couldn't follow us with the firecrackers

follow us with the firecrackers he could sure as hell follow the sound

he could sure as hell follow the sound of our whispered shits

of our whispered shits as we tripped over dead logs and fell

as we tripped over dead logs and fell into briar bushes

into briar bushes one minute i knelt down lit the fuse ran

one minute i knelt down lit the fuse ran bang then we turned north thinking we'd

bang then we turned north thinking we'd gotten past the lake

gotten past the lake this was key to the plan the farther we

this was key to the plan the farther we got while still staying on campus

got while still staying on campus the farther the eagle would follow us

the farther the eagle would follow us the farther he followed us

the farther he followed us the farther he would be from the

the farther he would be from the classrooms where the colonel and alaska

classrooms where the colonel and alaska were working their magic

were working their magic and then we planned to loop back near

and then we planned to loop back near the classrooms and swing east along the

the classrooms and swing east along the creek until we came to the bridge over

creek until we came to the bridge over our smoking hole

our smoking hole where we would rejoin the road and walk

where we would rejoin the road and walk back to the barn triumphant

back to the barn triumphant but here's the thing we made a slight

but here's the thing we made a slight error in navigation

error in navigation we weren't past the lake instead we were

we weren't past the lake instead we were staring at a field

staring at a field and then the lake too close to the

and then the lake too close to the classrooms to run

classrooms to run anywhere but along the lakefront i

anywhere but along the lakefront i looked over at takumi who was running

looked over at takumi who was running with me stride for stride

with me stride for stride and he just said drop one now

and he just said drop one now so i dropped down lit the fuse and we

so i dropped down lit the fuse and we ran

ran we were running through a clearing now

we were running through a clearing now and if the eagle was behind us

and if the eagle was behind us he could see us we got to the south

he could see us we got to the south corner of the lake and started running

corner of the lake and started running along the shore

along the shore the lake wasn't all that big maybe a

the lake wasn't all that big maybe a quarter mile long so we didn't have far

quarter mile long so we didn't have far to go

to go when i saw it the swamp

when i saw it the swamp swimming toward us like a swan possessed

swimming toward us like a swan possessed wings flapping

wings flapping furiously as it came and then it was on

furiously as it came and then it was on the shore in front of us making a noise

the shore in front of us making a noise that sounded like nothing else in this

that sounded like nothing else in this world

world like all the worst parts of a dying

like all the worst parts of a dying rabbit plus all the worst parts of a

rabbit plus all the worst parts of a crying baby

crying baby and there was no other way so we just

and there was no other way so we just ran i hit the swan at a full run

ran i hit the swan at a full run and felt it bite into my ass and then i

and felt it bite into my ass and then i was running with a noticeable limp

was running with a noticeable limp because my ass was on fire and i thought

because my ass was on fire and i thought to myself

to myself what the hell is in swan saliva that

what the hell is in swan saliva that burns so

burns so badly the 23rd string was a dud

badly the 23rd string was a dud costing us one minute at that point i

costing us one minute at that point i wanted a minute i was

wanted a minute i was dying the burning sensation in my left

dying the burning sensation in my left buttock had dulled to an intense

buttock had dulled to an intense aching magnified each time i landed on

aching magnified each time i landed on my left leg

my left leg so i was running like an injured gazelle

so i was running like an injured gazelle trying to evade a pride of lions

trying to evade a pride of lions our speed needless to say had slowed

our speed needless to say had slowed considerably

considerably we hadn't heard the eagle since we got

we hadn't heard the eagle since we got across the lake but i didn't think he

across the lake but i didn't think he had turned around

had turned around he was trying to lull us into

he was trying to lull us into complacency but it would not work

complacency but it would not work tonight we were invincible exhausted

tonight we were invincible exhausted we stopped with three strings left and

we stopped with three strings left and hoped we'd given the colonel enough time

hoped we'd given the colonel enough time we ran for a few more minutes until we

we ran for a few more minutes until we found the bank of the creek

found the bank of the creek it was so dark and so still that the

it was so dark and so still that the tiny stream of water seemed to roar

tiny stream of water seemed to roar but i could still hear our hard fast

but i could still hear our hard fast breaths as we collapsed on wet clay and

breaths as we collapsed on wet clay and pebbles beside the creek

pebbles beside the creek only when we stopped did i look at the

only when we stopped did i look at the kumi his face and arms were scratched

kumi his face and arms were scratched the fox head now directly over his left

the fox head now directly over his left ear

ear looking at my own arms i noticed blood

looking at my own arms i noticed blood dripping from the deeper cuts

dripping from the deeper cuts there were i remembered now some wicked

there were i remembered now some wicked briar patches

briar patches but i was feeling no pain takumi picked

but i was feeling no pain takumi picked thorns out of his leg

thorns out of his leg the fox is tired he said and

the fox is tired he said and laughed

laughed the swan bit my ass i told him

the swan bit my ass i told him i saw he smiled is it bleeding

i saw he smiled is it bleeding i reached my hand into my pants to check

i reached my hand into my pants to check no blood

no blood so i smoked to celebrate mission

so i smoked to celebrate mission accomplished i said

accomplished i said pudge my friend we are in the

pudge my friend we are in the instructable

instructable we couldn't figure out where we were

we couldn't figure out where we were because the creek doubles back so many

because the creek doubles back so many times through the campus

times through the campus so we followed the creek for about 10

so we followed the creek for about 10 minutes figuring we walked half as fast

minutes figuring we walked half as fast as we ran

as we ran and then turned left left you think

and then turned left left you think takumi asked i'm pretty lost i said

takumi asked i'm pretty lost i said the fox is pointing left so left and

the fox is pointing left so left and sure enough

sure enough the fox took us right back to the barn

the fox took us right back to the barn you're okay lara said as we walked up

you're okay lara said as we walked up i was worried i saw the eagle run out of

i was worried i saw the eagle run out of his house

his house he was wearing pajamas he sure looked

he was wearing pajamas he sure looked mad

mad i said well if he was mad then i

i said well if he was mad then i wouldn't want to see him now

wouldn't want to see him now what took you so long she asked me

what took you so long she asked me we took the long way home takumi said

we took the long way home takumi said plus

plus pudge is walking like an old lady with

pudge is walking like an old lady with hemorrhoids because the swan bit him on

hemorrhoids because the swan bit him on the ass

the ass where's alaska in the colonel i don't

where's alaska in the colonel i don't know

know lara said and then we heard footsteps in

lara said and then we heard footsteps in the distance

the distance mutters and cracking branches in a flash

mutters and cracking branches in a flash takumi grabbed our sleeping bags and

takumi grabbed our sleeping bags and backpacks

backpacks and hid them behind bales of hay the

and hid them behind bales of hay the three of us ran through the back of the

three of us ran through the back of the barn and into the waist high grass and

barn and into the waist high grass and laid down

laid down he tracked us back to the barn i thought

he tracked us back to the barn i thought we everything up

we everything up but then i heard the colonel's voice

but then i heard the colonel's voice distinct and very annoyed saying

distinct and very annoyed saying because it narrows the list of possible

because it narrows the list of possible suspects by 23

suspects by 23 why couldn't you just follow the plan

why couldn't you just follow the plan christ where is everybody

christ where is everybody we walked back to the barn a bit

we walked back to the barn a bit sheepish from having overreacted

sheepish from having overreacted the colonel sat down on a bale of hay

the colonel sat down on a bale of hay his elbows on his knees his head bowed

his elbows on his knees his head bowed his palms against his forehead

his palms against his forehead thinking well we haven't been caught yet

thinking well we haven't been caught yet anyway okay first he said without

anyway okay first he said without looking up

looking up tell me everything else went all right

tell me everything else went all right lara

lara she started talking yes good

she started talking yes good can i have some more detail please i did

can i have some more detail please i did like your paper

like your paper said i stayed behind the eagle's house

said i stayed behind the eagle's house until i saw him run after miles and

until i saw him run after miles and takumi

takumi and then i ran behind the dorms and then

and then i ran behind the dorms and then i went through the window into kevin's

i went through the window into kevin's room

room then i put this stuff in the gel and the

then i put this stuff in the gel and the conditioner

conditioner and then i did the same thing in jeff

and then i did the same thing in jeff and longwell's room

and longwell's room the stuff i asked undiluted industrial

the stuff i asked undiluted industrial strength

strength blue number five hair dye alaska said

blue number five hair dye alaska said which i bought with your cigarette money

which i bought with your cigarette money apply it to wet hair and it won't wash

apply it to wet hair and it won't wash out for months

out for months we dyed their hair blue well

we dyed their hair blue well technically the colonel said still

technically the colonel said still speaking into his lap

speaking into his lap they're gonna die their own hair blue

they're gonna die their own hair blue but we have certainly made it easier for

but we have certainly made it easier for them

them i know you and takumi did all right

i know you and takumi did all right because we're here and you're here so

because we're here and you're here so you did your job

you did your job and the good news is that the three

and the good news is that the three who had the gall to prank

who had the gall to prank us have progress reports coming saying

us have progress reports coming saying they are failing three classes

they are failing three classes oh what's the bad news lara asked

oh what's the bad news lara asked oh come on alaska said the other good

oh come on alaska said the other good news is that while the colonel was

news is that while the colonel was worried he'd heard something and ran

worried he'd heard something and ran into the woods i saw to it that 20 other

into the woods i saw to it that 20 other weekday warriors

weekday warriors also have progress reports coming i

also have progress reports coming i printed out reports for all of them

printed out reports for all of them stuffed them into metered school

stuffed them into metered school envelopes and then put them in the

envelopes and then put them in the mailbox

mailbox she turned to the colonel you were sure

she turned to the colonel you were sure gone a long time

gone a long time she said the widdle colonel so scared of

she said the widdle colonel so scared of getting expelled

getting expelled the colonel stood up towering over the

the colonel stood up towering over the rest of us as we sat

rest of us as we sat that is not good news that was not

that is not good news that was not in the plan that means there are 23

in the plan that means there are 23 people who the eagle can eliminate as

people who the eagle can eliminate as suspects 23 people who might figure out

suspects 23 people who might figure out it was

it was us and rat if that

us and rat if that happens alaska said very seriously

happens alaska said very seriously i'll take the fall right the colonel

i'll take the fall right the colonel side

side like you took the fall for paul and

like you took the fall for paul and mariah

mariah you'll say that while you were traiping

you'll say that while you were traiping through the woods lighting firecrackers

through the woods lighting firecrackers you were simultaneously hacking into the

you were simultaneously hacking into the faculty network and printing out false

faculty network and printing out false progress reports on school stationery

progress reports on school stationery because i'm sure that will fly with the

because i'm sure that will fly with the eagle

eagle relax dude takumi said first off

relax dude takumi said first off we're not going to get caught second off

we're not going to get caught second off if we do

if we do i'll take the fall with alaska you've

i'll take the fall with alaska you've got more to lose than any of us

got more to lose than any of us the colonel just nodded it was an

the colonel just nodded it was an undeniable fact

undeniable fact the colonel would have no chance at a

the colonel would have no chance at a scholarship to a good school if he got

scholarship to a good school if he got expelled from the creek

expelled from the creek knowing that nothing cheered up the

knowing that nothing cheered up the kernel like acknowledging his brilliance

kernel like acknowledging his brilliance i asked so how'd you hack the network

i asked so how'd you hack the network i climbed in the window of dr hyde's

i climbed in the window of dr hyde's office booted up his computer

office booted up his computer and i typed in his password he said

and i typed in his password he said smiling

smiling you guessed it no on tuesday i went into

you guessed it no on tuesday i went into his office and asked him to print me a

his office and asked him to print me a copy of the recommended reading list

copy of the recommended reading list and then i watched him type the password

c j3 y l n h y d 3. well takumi said i could have done

well takumi said i could have done that

that sure but then you wouldn't have gotten

sure but then you wouldn't have gotten to wear that sexy hat

to wear that sexy hat the colonel said laughing takumi took

the colonel said laughing takumi took off the headband and put it in his bag

off the headband and put it in his bag kevin is going to be pissed about his

kevin is going to be pissed about his hair

hair i said yeah well i'm really pissed about

i said yeah well i'm really pissed about my waterlogged library

my waterlogged library kevin is a blow up doll alaska said

kevin is a blow up doll alaska said prick us we bleed prick him he pops

prick us we bleed prick him he pops it's true said takumi the guy is a dick

it's true said takumi the guy is a dick he kind of tried to kill you after all

he kind of tried to kill you after all yeah i guess i acknowledged

yeah i guess i acknowledged there are a lot of people here like that

there are a lot of people here like that alaska went on still fuming

alaska went on still fuming you know blow up to all rich

you know blow up to all rich kids

kids but even though kevin had sort of tried

but even though kevin had sort of tried to kill me and all

to kill me and all he really didn't seem worth hating

he really didn't seem worth hating hating the cool kids takes an

hating the cool kids takes an awful lot of energy and i'd given up on

awful lot of energy and i'd given up on it a long time ago

it a long time ago for me the prank was just a response to

for me the prank was just a response to a previous prank

a previous prank just a golden opportunity to as the

just a golden opportunity to as the colonel said

colonel said wreak a little havoc but to alaska it

wreak a little havoc but to alaska it seemed to be something else

seemed to be something else something more i wanted to ask her about

something more i wanted to ask her about it but she laid back down behind the

it but she laid back down behind the piles of hay

piles of hay invisible again alaska was done talking

invisible again alaska was done talking and when she was done talking that was

and when she was done talking that was it we didn't coax her out for two hours

it we didn't coax her out for two hours until the colonel unscrewed a bottle of

until the colonel unscrewed a bottle of wine we passed around the bottle till i

wine we passed around the bottle till i could feel it in my stomach

could feel it in my stomach sour and warm i wanted to like booze

sour and warm i wanted to like booze more than i actually

more than i actually did which is more or less the precise

did which is more or less the precise opposite of how i felt about alaska

opposite of how i felt about alaska but that night the booze felt great as

but that night the booze felt great as the warmth of the wine in my stomach

the warmth of the wine in my stomach spread through my body i didn't like

spread through my body i didn't like feeling stupid or out of control

feeling stupid or out of control but i liked the way it made everything

but i liked the way it made everything laughing crying peeing in front of your

laughing crying peeing in front of your friends

friends easier why did we drink for me it was

easier why did we drink for me it was just

just fun particularly since we were risking

fun particularly since we were risking expulsion

expulsion the nice thing about the constant threat

the nice thing about the constant threat of expulsion at culver creek is that it

of expulsion at culver creek is that it lends excitement to every moment of

lends excitement to every moment of illicit pleasure

illicit pleasure the bad thing of course is that there is

the bad thing of course is that there is always the possibility of actual

always the possibility of actual expulsion

two days before i woke up early the next morning

morning my lips dry and my breath visible in the

my lips dry and my breath visible in the crisp air

crisp air takumi had brought a camp stove in his

takumi had brought a camp stove in his backpack and the colonel was huddled

backpack and the colonel was huddled over it heating instant coffee

over it heating instant coffee the sun shone bright but could not

the sun shone bright but could not combat the cold

combat the cold and i sat with the colonel and sipped

and i sat with the colonel and sipped the coffee

the coffee the thing about instant coffee is that

the thing about instant coffee is that it smells pretty good

it smells pretty good but it tastes like stomach pile the

but it tastes like stomach pile the colonel said

colonel said and then one by one takumi lara and

and then one by one takumi lara and alaska woke up

alaska woke up and we spent the day hiding out but

and we spent the day hiding out but loudly

loudly hiding out loud at the barn that

hiding out loud at the barn that afternoon

afternoon takumi decided we needed to have a

takumi decided we needed to have a freestyle contest

freestyle contest you start paj takumi said colonel

you start paj takumi said colonel catastrophe you're our beat box

catastrophe you're our beat box dude i can't rap i pled that's okay the

dude i can't rap i pled that's okay the colonel can't drop beats either

colonel can't drop beats either just try and rhyme a little and then

just try and rhyme a little and then send it over to me

send it over to me with his hand cupped over his mouth the

with his hand cupped over his mouth the colonel started to make absurd noises

colonel started to make absurd noises that sounded more like

that sounded more like farting than bass beats and i uh

farting than bass beats and i uh rapped um we're sitting in the barn and

rapped um we're sitting in the barn and the sun's going down

the sun's going down when i was a kid that burger king i wore

when i was a kid that burger king i wore a crown

a crown dude i can't rhyme for so i'll let

dude i can't rhyme for so i'll let my boy takumi rip it

my boy takumi rip it takumi took over without pausing damn

takumi took over without pausing damn pudge i'm not sure i'm quite ready but

pudge i'm not sure i'm quite ready but like nightmare and elm street's freddy

like nightmare and elm street's freddy i've always got the goods to rip

i've always got the goods to rip up last night i drank wine it was like

up last night i drank wine it was like hiccup

hiccup the colonel's beats are sick like

the colonel's beats are sick like malaria when i rock the mic the ladies

malaria when i rock the mic the ladies suffer hysteria

suffer hysteria i represent japan as well as birmingham

i represent japan as well as birmingham when i was a kid they called me yellow

when i was a kid they called me yellow man but i

man but i ain't ashamed of my skin color and

ain't ashamed of my skin color and neither are the countless that

neither are the countless that call me lover

call me lover alaska jumped in oh did you just

alaska jumped in oh did you just diss the feminine gender

diss the feminine gender i'll pummel your ass and stick you in a

i'll pummel your ass and stick you in a blender you think i like tori and ani so

blender you think i like tori and ani so i can't rhyme but i got flow like

i can't rhyme but i got flow like ghostbusters

ghostbusters got slime objectify women and it's

got slime objectify women and it's on you'll be dead and gone like

on you'll be dead and gone like ancient babylon

ancient babylon takumi picked it up again if my eye

takumi picked it up again if my eye offends me i will pluck it out

offends me i will pluck it out i got props for girls like old men got

i got props for girls like old men got gout oh now my rhyming got all

gout oh now my rhyming got all whack

whack lara help me out and pick up the slack

lara help me out and pick up the slack lara rhymed quietly and nervously

lara rhymed quietly and nervously and with even more flagrant disregard

and with even more flagrant disregard for the beat than me

for the beat than me my name's lara and i'm from romania

my name's lara and i'm from romania this is pretty hard um i once visited

this is pretty hard um i once visited albania

albania i love riding in alaska's geo my two

i love riding in alaska's geo my two best vowels in english are eo

best vowels in english are eo i'm not so good with the little eyes but

i'm not so good with the little eyes but they make me sound cosmopolitan right

they make me sound cosmopolitan right oh takumi i think i'm done and this

oh takumi i think i'm done and this came with some fun i dropped bombs like

came with some fun i dropped bombs like hiroshima or better yet nagasaki when

hiroshima or better yet nagasaki when girls hear me float they think that i'm

girls hear me float they think that i'm rocky to represent my homeland i still

rocky to represent my homeland i still drink sake

drink sake the kids don't get my rhyming so

the kids don't get my rhyming so sometimes they mock me my build ain't

sometimes they mock me my build ain't small but i wouldn't call it stocky

small but i wouldn't call it stocky then again unlike pudge i'm not super

then again unlike pudge i'm not super cocky i'm the fox and this

cocky i'm the fox and this is my crew our freestyle's infused with

is my crew our freestyle's infused with funk like my gym shoes

funk like my gym shoes and were out the colonel wrapped it up

and were out the colonel wrapped it up with freestyle

with freestyle beat boxing and we gave ourselves a

beat boxing and we gave ourselves a round of applause

round of applause you ripped it up alaska takumi says

you ripped it up alaska takumi says laughing

laughing i do what i can to represent the ladies

i do what i can to represent the ladies lara had my back

lara had my back yeah i did and then alaska decided that

yeah i did and then alaska decided that although it wasn't nearly dark yet

although it wasn't nearly dark yet it was time for us to get shit-faced

it was time for us to get shit-faced two nights in a rose may be pushing our

two nights in a rose may be pushing our luck takumi said as alaska opened the

luck takumi said as alaska opened the wine

wine luck is for suckers she smiled and put

luck is for suckers she smiled and put the bottle to her lips

the bottle to her lips we had saltines and a hunk of cheddar

we had saltines and a hunk of cheddar cheese provided by the colonel for

cheese provided by the colonel for dinner

dinner and sipping the warm pink wine out of

and sipping the warm pink wine out of the bottle with our cheese and saltines

the bottle with our cheese and saltines made for a fine dinner

made for a fine dinner and when we ran out of cheese well all

and when we ran out of cheese well all the more room for strawberry hill

the more room for strawberry hill we have to slow down or i'll puke i

we have to slow down or i'll puke i remarked after we finished the first

remarked after we finished the first bottle

bottle i'm sorry pudge i wasn't aware that

i'm sorry pudge i wasn't aware that someone was holding open your throat and

someone was holding open your throat and pouring wine down

pouring wine down it the colonel responded tossing me a

it the colonel responded tossing me a bottle of mountain dew

bottle of mountain dew it's a little charitable to call this

it's a little charitable to call this wine takumi cracked

wine takumi cracked and then as if out of nowhere alaska

and then as if out of nowhere alaska announced

announced best day worst day huh i asked

best day worst day huh i asked we are all going to puke if we just

we are all going to puke if we just drink so we'll slow it down with a

drink so we'll slow it down with a drinking game best day worst day

drinking game best day worst day never heard of it the colonel said

never heard of it the colonel said because i just made it up

because i just made it up she smiled she lay on her side across

she smiled she lay on her side across two bales of hay

two bales of hay the afternoon light brightening the

the afternoon light brightening the green in her eyes her tan skin the last

green in her eyes her tan skin the last memory of fall

memory of fall with her mouth half open it occurred to

with her mouth half open it occurred to me that she must already be drunk

me that she must already be drunk as i noticed the far-off look in her

as i noticed the far-off look in her eyes the thousand-yard stare of

eyes the thousand-yard stare of intoxication i thought

intoxication i thought and as i watched her with an idol

and as i watched her with an idol fascination it occurred to me that

fascination it occurred to me that yeah i was a little drunk too

yeah i was a little drunk too fun what are the rules lara asked

fun what are the rules lara asked everybody tells the story of their best

everybody tells the story of their best day the best storyteller doesn't have to

day the best storyteller doesn't have to drink

drink then everybody tells the story of their

then everybody tells the story of their worst day and the best storyteller

worst day and the best storyteller doesn't have to drink

doesn't have to drink then we keep going second best day

then we keep going second best day second worst day until one of y'all

second worst day until one of y'all quits

quits how do you know it'll be one of us

how do you know it'll be one of us takumi asked

takumi asked because i'm the best drinker and the

because i'm the best drinker and the best storyteller

best storyteller she answered hard to disagree with that

she answered hard to disagree with that logic

logic you start pudge best day of your life

you start pudge best day of your life um can i take a minute to think of one

um can i take a minute to think of one couldn't have been that good if you have

couldn't have been that good if you have to think about it the colonel said

to think about it the colonel said you dude touchy

you dude touchy best day of my life was today i said

best day of my life was today i said and the story is that i woke up next to

and the story is that i woke up next to a very pretty hungarian girl

a very pretty hungarian girl and it was cold but not too cold and i

and it was cold but not too cold and i had a cup of lukewarm instant coffee and

had a cup of lukewarm instant coffee and ate

ate cheerios without milk and then walked

cheerios without milk and then walked through the woods with alaska and takumi

through the woods with alaska and takumi we skipped stones across the creek which

we skipped stones across the creek which sounds dumb but it wasn't

sounds dumb but it wasn't i don't know like the way the sun is

i don't know like the way the sun is right now with the long shadows and that

right now with the long shadows and that kind of bright soft light you get when

kind of bright soft light you get when the sun isn't quite setting

the sun isn't quite setting that's the light that makes everything

that's the light that makes everything better everything prettier

better everything prettier and today everything just seemed to be

and today everything just seemed to be in that light

in that light i mean i didn't do anything but just

i mean i didn't do anything but just sitting here even if i'm watching the

sitting here even if i'm watching the colonel whittle or whatever

colonel whittle or whatever whatever great day today best day of my

whatever great day today best day of my life

life you think i'm pretty lara said and

you think i'm pretty lara said and laughed bashful

laughed bashful i thought it'd be good to make eye

i thought it'd be good to make eye contact with her now

contact with her now but i couldn't and i'm romanian

but i couldn't and i'm romanian that story ended up being a hell of a

that story ended up being a hell of a lot better than i thought it would be

lot better than i thought it would be alaska said but i've still got you beat

alaska said but i've still got you beat bring it on baby i said

bring it on baby i said a breeze picked up the tall grass

a breeze picked up the tall grass outside the barn tilting away from it

outside the barn tilting away from it and i pulled my sleeping bag over my

and i pulled my sleeping bag over my shoulders to stay warm

shoulders to stay warm best day of my life was january 9 1997

best day of my life was january 9 1997 i was eight years old and my mom and i

i was eight years old and my mom and i went to the zoo on a class trip

went to the zoo on a class trip i liked the bears she liked the monkeys

i liked the bears she liked the monkeys best day ever end of story

best day ever end of story that's it the colonel said that's the

that's it the colonel said that's the best day of your whole life

best day of your whole life yep i liked it lara said

yep i liked it lara said i like the monkeys too lame

i like the monkeys too lame said the colonel i didn't think it was

said the colonel i didn't think it was lame so much as more of alaska's

lame so much as more of alaska's intentional vagueness

intentional vagueness another example of her furthering her

another example of her furthering her own mysteriousness

own mysteriousness but still even though i knew it was

but still even though i knew it was intentional i couldn't help but wonder

intentional i couldn't help but wonder what's so great about the zoo

what's so great about the zoo but before i could ask

but before i could ask lara spoke okay my turn said lara

lara spoke okay my turn said lara it's easy the day i came here

it's easy the day i came here i knew english and my parents didn't

i knew english and my parents didn't and we came off the airplane and my

and we came off the airplane and my relatives were here

relatives were here aunts and uncles i had not ever seen in

aunts and uncles i had not ever seen in the airport

the airport and my parents were so happy i was 12

and my parents were so happy i was 12 and i had always been the little baby

and i had always been the little baby but that was the first day

but that was the first day that my parents needed me and treated me

that my parents needed me and treated me like a grown-up

like a grown-up because they did not know the language

because they did not know the language right they need me to order

right they need me to order food and to translate tax and

food and to translate tax and immigration forms and everything else

immigration forms and everything else and that was the day they stopped

and that was the day they stopped treating me like a kid

treating me like a kid also in romania we were poor and here

also in romania we were poor and here we're

we're kinda rich she laughed

kinda rich she laughed alright takumi smiled grabbing the

alright takumi smiled grabbing the bottle of wine

bottle of wine i lose because the best day of my life

i lose because the best day of my life was the day i lost my virginity and if

was the day i lost my virginity and if you think i'm gonna tell you that story

you think i'm gonna tell you that story you're gonna have to get me drunker than

you're gonna have to get me drunker than this

this not bad the colonel said that's not

not bad the colonel said that's not bad wanna know my best day

bad wanna know my best day that's the game chip alaska said clearly

that's the game chip alaska said clearly annoyed

annoyed this day of my life hasn't happened yet

this day of my life hasn't happened yet but i know it

but i know it i see it every day the best day of my

i see it every day the best day of my life

life is the day i buy my mom a huge

is the day i buy my mom a huge house

house and not just like out in the woods but

and not just like out in the woods but in the middle of mountain brook

in the middle of mountain brook with all the weekday warriors parents

with all the weekday warriors parents with all y'alls parents

with all y'alls parents and i'm not buying it with a mortgage

and i'm not buying it with a mortgage either i'm buying it with cash money and

either i'm buying it with cash money and i'm driving my mom there

i'm driving my mom there and i'm going to open her side of the

and i'm going to open her side of the car door and she'll get out and look at

car door and she'll get out and look at this

this house this house is like picket fence

house this house is like picket fence and two stories and everything you know

and two stories and everything you know and i'm gonna hand her the keys to her

and i'm gonna hand her the keys to her house and i'll say

house and i'll say thanks man she helped me fill out my

thanks man she helped me fill out my application to this place

application to this place and she let me come here and that's no

and she let me come here and that's no easy thing when you come from where we

easy thing when you come from where we do

do to let your son go away to school so

to let your son go away to school so that's the best day of my life takumi

that's the best day of my life takumi tilted the bottle up and swallowed a few

tilted the bottle up and swallowed a few times

times then handed it to me i drank and so did

then handed it to me i drank and so did lara

lara and then alaska put her head back and

and then alaska put her head back and turned the bottle upside down quickly

turned the bottle upside down quickly downing the last quarter of the bottle

downing the last quarter of the bottle as she unscrewed the next bottle alaska

as she unscrewed the next bottle alaska smiled at the colonel

smiled at the colonel you won that round now what's your worst

you won that round now what's your worst day

day worst day was when my dad left he's old

worst day was when my dad left he's old he's like

he's like 70 now and he was old when he married my

70 now and he was old when he married my mom

mom and he still cheated on her and she

and he still cheated on her and she caught him and she got pissed so he hit

caught him and she got pissed so he hit her

her then she kicked him out and he left i

then she kicked him out and he left i was here and my mom called

was here and my mom called she didn't tell me the whole story with

she didn't tell me the whole story with the cheating and everything and the

the cheating and everything and the hitting until later

hitting until later she just said that he was gone and not

she just said that he was gone and not coming back

coming back and i haven't seen him since all that

and i haven't seen him since all that day i kept waiting for him to call me

day i kept waiting for him to call me and explain it but he never did

and explain it but he never did he never called at all i at least

he never called at all i at least thought he'd say goodbye or something

thought he'd say goodbye or something that was the worst day you got me

that was the worst day you got me beat again

beat again i said my worst day was in seventh grade

i said my worst day was in seventh grade when tommy hewitt pissed on my gym

when tommy hewitt pissed on my gym clothes

clothes and then the gym teacher said i had to

and then the gym teacher said i had to wear my uniform or i'd fail the class

wear my uniform or i'd fail the class seventh grade gym right there were worse

seventh grade gym right there were worse things to fail

things to fail but it was a big deal then and i was

but it was a big deal then and i was crying and trying to explain to the

crying and trying to explain to the teacher what happened but it was so

teacher what happened but it was so embarrassing

embarrassing and he just yelled and yelled and yelled

and he just yelled and yelled and yelled until i put on these piss-soaked shorts

until i put on these piss-soaked shorts and t-shirt

and t-shirt that was the day i stopped caring what

that was the day i stopped caring what people did i just never cared anymore

people did i just never cared anymore about being a loser or not having

about being a loser or not having friends or any of that

friends or any of that so i guess it was good for me in a way

so i guess it was good for me in a way but that moment was awful

but that moment was awful i mean imagine me playing volleyball or

i mean imagine me playing volleyball or whatever in

whatever in peace gym clothes while tommy hewitt

peace gym clothes while tommy hewitt tells everyone what he did

tells everyone what he did that was the worst day laura was

that was the worst day laura was laughing

laughing i'm sorry miles all good

i'm sorry miles all good i said just tell me yours so i can laugh

i said just tell me yours so i can laugh at your pain

at your pain and i smiled and we laughed together

and i smiled and we laughed together my worst day was probably the same as my

my worst day was probably the same as my best

best because i left everything i mean it

because i left everything i mean it sounds

sounds dumb but my childhood too because most

dumb but my childhood too because most 12 year olds do not you know have to

12 year olds do not you know have to figure out w-2

figure out w-2 forms what's a w-2 form i asked

forms what's a w-2 form i asked that's my point it's for taxes so

that's my point it's for taxes so same day lara had always needed to talk

same day lara had always needed to talk for her parents

for her parents i thought and so maybe she never learned

i thought and so maybe she never learned how to talk for herself

how to talk for herself and i wasn't great at talking for myself

and i wasn't great at talking for myself either we had something important in

either we had something important in common then

common then a personality quirk i didn't share with

a personality quirk i didn't share with alaska or anybody else

alaska or anybody else although almost by definition lara and i

although almost by definition lara and i couldn't express it to each other

couldn't express it to each other so maybe it was just the way the not yet

so maybe it was just the way the not yet setting sun

setting sun shone against her lazy dark curls but at

shone against her lazy dark curls but at that moment

that moment i wanted to kiss her and we did not need

i wanted to kiss her and we did not need to talk in order to kiss

to talk in order to kiss and the puking on her jeans and the

and the puking on her jeans and the months of mutual avoidance

months of mutual avoidance melted away it's your turn takumi

melted away it's your turn takumi worst day in my life takumi said june 9

worst day in my life takumi said june 9 2000 my grandmother died in japan

2000 my grandmother died in japan she died in a car accident and i was

she died in a car accident and i was supposed to leave to go see her two days

supposed to leave to go see her two days later

later and i was going to spend the whole

and i was going to spend the whole summer with her and my grandfather but

summer with her and my grandfather but instead

instead i flew over for her funeral and the only

i flew over for her funeral and the only time i really saw what she looked like i

time i really saw what she looked like i mean

mean other than in pictures was at her

other than in pictures was at her funeral she had a buddhist funeral

funeral she had a buddhist funeral and they cremated her but before they

and they cremated her but before they did she was on this like

did she was on this like well it's not really buddhist i mean

well it's not really buddhist i mean religion is complicated there so it's a

religion is complicated there so it's a little buddhist and a little shinto but

little buddhist and a little shinto but y'all don't care

y'all don't care point being that she was on this like

point being that she was on this like funeral pyre or whatever

funeral pyre or whatever that's the only time i ever saw her was

that's the only time i ever saw her was just before they

just before they burned her up that was the worst day

burned her up that was the worst day the colonel lit a cigarette threw it to

the colonel lit a cigarette threw it to me and lit one of his own

me and lit one of his own it was eerie that he could tell when i

it was eerie that he could tell when i wanted a cigarette

wanted a cigarette we were like an old married couple for a

we were like an old married couple for a moment i thought

moment i thought it's massively unwise to throw lit

it's massively unwise to throw lit cigarettes around a barn full of hay

cigarettes around a barn full of hay but then the moment of caution passed

but then the moment of caution passed and i just made a sincere effort not to

and i just made a sincere effort not to flick ash onto any hay

flick ash onto any hay no clear winner yet the colonel said the

no clear winner yet the colonel said the field is wide open

field is wide open your turn buddy alaska lay on her back

your turn buddy alaska lay on her back her hands locked behind her head

her hands locked behind her head she spoke softly and quickly but the

she spoke softly and quickly but the quiet day was becoming a quieter night

quiet day was becoming a quieter night the bugs gone now with the arrival of

the bugs gone now with the arrival of winter and we could hear her clearly

the day after my mom took me to the zoo where she liked the monkeys and i liked

where she liked the monkeys and i liked the bears it was a friday

the bears it was a friday i came home from school she gave me a

i came home from school she gave me a hug and told me to go do my homework in

hug and told me to go do my homework in my room

my room so i could watch tv later i went into my

so i could watch tv later i went into my room

room and she sat down at the kitchen table i

and she sat down at the kitchen table i guess and then she screamed and i ran

guess and then she screamed and i ran out and she had fallen over

out and she had fallen over she was lying on the floor holding her

she was lying on the floor holding her head and jerking

head and jerking and i freaked out i should have called

and i freaked out i should have called 9-1-1 but i just started screaming and

9-1-1 but i just started screaming and crying until finally she stopped jerking

crying until finally she stopped jerking and i thought she had fallen asleep and

and i thought she had fallen asleep and that whatever had hurt didn't hurt

that whatever had hurt didn't hurt anymore

anymore so i just sat there on the floor with

so i just sat there on the floor with her until my dad got home an hour later

her until my dad got home an hour later and he's screaming why didn't you call

and he's screaming why didn't you call 9-1-1 and trying to give her cpr but

9-1-1 and trying to give her cpr but by then she was plenty dead aneurysm

by then she was plenty dead aneurysm worst day i win you drink and so we did

worst day i win you drink and so we did no one talked for a minute and then

no one talked for a minute and then takumi asked

takumi asked your dad blamed you well

your dad blamed you well not after that first moment but yeah how

not after that first moment but yeah how could he not

could he not well you were a little kid takumi argued

well you were a little kid takumi argued i was too surprised and uncomfortable to

i was too surprised and uncomfortable to talk trying to fit this into what i knew

talk trying to fit this into what i knew about alaska's family

about alaska's family her mom told her the knock knock joke

her mom told her the knock knock joke when alaska was six

when alaska was six her mom used to smoke but didn't anymore

her mom used to smoke but didn't anymore obviously

obviously yeah i was a little kid little kids can

yeah i was a little kid little kids can dial 9-1-1 they do it all the time

dial 9-1-1 they do it all the time give me the wine she said deadpan and

give me the wine she said deadpan and emotionless

emotionless she drank without lifting her head from

she drank without lifting her head from the hay

the hay i'm sorry takumi said

i'm sorry takumi said why didn't you ever tell me the colonel

why didn't you ever tell me the colonel asked his voice soft

asked his voice soft it never came up and then we stopped

it never came up and then we stopped asking questions

asking questions what the hell do you say in the long

what the hell do you say in the long quiet that followed

quiet that followed as we passed around the wine and slowly

as we passed around the wine and slowly became drunker

became drunker i found myself thinking about president

i found myself thinking about president william mckinley the third american

william mckinley the third american president to be assassinated

president to be assassinated he lived for several days after he was

he lived for several days after he was shot and toward the end

shot and toward the end his wife started crying and screaming i

his wife started crying and screaming i want to go to

want to go to i want to go to and with his last

i want to go to and with his last measure of strength

measure of strength mckinley turned to her and spoke his

mckinley turned to her and spoke his last words

last words we are all going

it was the central moment of alaska's life

life when she cried and told me that she

when she cried and told me that she everything up i knew what she

everything up i knew what she meant now

meant now and when she said she failed everyone i

and when she said she failed everyone i knew whom she meant

knew whom she meant it was the everything and the everyone

it was the everything and the everyone of her life

of her life and so i could not help but imagine it i

and so i could not help but imagine it i imagined a scrawny eight-year-old with

imagined a scrawny eight-year-old with dirty fingers

dirty fingers looking down at her mother convulsing so

looking down at her mother convulsing so she sat down with her

she sat down with her dead or maybe not mother who i imagine

dead or maybe not mother who i imagine was not breathing by them

was not breathing by them but wasn't yet cold either and in the

but wasn't yet cold either and in the time between dying

time between dying and death a little alaska sat with her

and death a little alaska sat with her mother in silence

mother in silence and then through the silence and my

and then through the silence and my drunkenness i caught a glimpse of her as

drunkenness i caught a glimpse of her as she might have been

she might have been she must have come to feel so powerless

she must have come to feel so powerless i thought that the one thing she might

i thought that the one thing she might have done

have done pick up the phone and call an ambulance

pick up the phone and call an ambulance never even occurred to her

never even occurred to her there comes a time when we realize that

there comes a time when we realize that our parents cannot save themselves or

our parents cannot save themselves or save us

save us that everyone who wades through time

that everyone who wades through time eventually gets dragged out to sea by

eventually gets dragged out to sea by the undertow

the undertow that in short we are all going

that in short we are all going so she became impulsive scared by her

so she became impulsive scared by her inaction into perpetual action

inaction into perpetual action when the eagle confronted her with

when the eagle confronted her with expulsion maybe she blurted out mariah's

expulsion maybe she blurted out mariah's name because it was the first that came

name because it was the first that came to mind

to mind because in that moment she didn't want

because in that moment she didn't want to get expelled and couldn't think past

to get expelled and couldn't think past that moment

that moment she was scared sure but more importantly

she was scared sure but more importantly maybe

maybe she'd been scared of being paralyzed by

she'd been scared of being paralyzed by fear again

fear again we are all going mckinley said to his

we are all going mckinley said to his wife and we sure

wife and we sure are there's your labyrinth of suffering

are there's your labyrinth of suffering we are

we are all going find your way out of that maze

all going find your way out of that maze none of which i said out loud to her not

none of which i said out loud to her not then

then and not ever we never said another word

and not ever we never said another word about it

about it instead it became just another worst day

instead it became just another worst day albeit the worst of the bunch

albeit the worst of the bunch and his night fell fast we continued on

and his night fell fast we continued on drinking and joking

later that night after alaska stuck her finger down her throat and made herself

finger down her throat and made herself puke in front of all of us because she

puke in front of all of us because she was too drunk to walk into the woods

was too drunk to walk into the woods i laid down in my sleeping bag lara was

i laid down in my sleeping bag lara was lying beside me in her bag

lying beside me in her bag which was almost touching mine i moved

which was almost touching mine i moved my arm to the edge of my bag and pushed

my arm to the edge of my bag and pushed it

it so it slightly overlapped with hers i

so it slightly overlapped with hers i pressed my hand against hers

pressed my hand against hers i could feel it although there were two

i could feel it although there were two sleeping bags between us

sleeping bags between us my plan which struck me as very slick

my plan which struck me as very slick was to pull my

was to pull my arm out of my sleeping bag and put it

arm out of my sleeping bag and put it into hers and then hold her hand

into hers and then hold her hand it was a good plan but when i tried to

it was a good plan but when i tried to actually get my arm out of the mummy bag

actually get my arm out of the mummy bag i flailed around like a fish out of

i flailed around like a fish out of water and nearly dislocated my shoulder

water and nearly dislocated my shoulder she was laughing and not with me at me

she was laughing and not with me at me but we still didn't speak

but we still didn't speak having passed the point of no return i

having passed the point of no return i slid my hand into her sleeping bag

slid my hand into her sleeping bag anyway

anyway and she stifled a giggle as my fingers

and she stifled a giggle as my fingers traced a line from her elbow to her

traced a line from her elbow to her wrist

wrist that tickles she whispered so much for

that tickles she whispered so much for me being sexy

me being sexy sorry i whispered no it's a nice tickle

sorry i whispered no it's a nice tickle she said and held my hand she laced her

she said and held my hand she laced her fingers in mine and squeezed

fingers in mine and squeezed and then she rolled over and kissed me i

and then she rolled over and kissed me i am sure that she tasted like stale booze

am sure that she tasted like stale booze but i did not notice

but i did not notice and i'm sure i tasted like stale booze

and i'm sure i tasted like stale booze and cigarettes but she didn't notice

and cigarettes but she didn't notice we were kissing i thought

we were kissing i thought this is good i thought

this is good i thought i am not bad at this kissing not bad at

i am not bad at this kissing not bad at all

all i thought i am clearly the greatest

i thought i am clearly the greatest kisser in the history of the universe

kisser in the history of the universe suddenly she laughed and pulled away

suddenly she laughed and pulled away from me she wiggled a hand out of her

from me she wiggled a hand out of her sleeping bag and wiped her face

sleeping bag and wiped her face you slobbered on my nose she said and

you slobbered on my nose she said and laughed

laughed i laughed too trying to give her the

i laughed too trying to give her the impression that my nose slobbering

impression that my nose slobbering kissing style was intended to be funny

kissing style was intended to be funny i'm sorry to borrow the base system from

i'm sorry to borrow the base system from alaska

alaska i hadn't hit more than five singles in

i hadn't hit more than five singles in my entire life so i tried to chalk it up

my entire life so i tried to chalk it up to inexperience

to inexperience i'm a bit new at this i said it was a

i'm a bit new at this i said it was a nice slobbering

nice slobbering she said laughed and kissed me again

she said laughed and kissed me again soon we were entirely out of our

soon we were entirely out of our sleeping bags making out quietly

sleeping bags making out quietly she lay on top of me and i held her

she lay on top of me and i held her small waist in my hands

small waist in my hands i could feel her breasts against my

i could feel her breasts against my chest and she moved slowly on top of me

chest and she moved slowly on top of me her legs straddling me

her legs straddling me you feel nice she said you're beautiful

you feel nice she said you're beautiful i said and smiled at her in the dark i

i said and smiled at her in the dark i could make out the outline of her face

could make out the outline of her face and her large round eyes blinking down

and her large round eyes blinking down at me

at me her eyelashes almost fluttering against

her eyelashes almost fluttering against my forehead

my forehead could the two people who are making out

could the two people who are making out please be quiet

please be quiet the colonel asked loudly from his

the colonel asked loudly from his sleeping bag those of us who are

sleeping bag those of us who are not making out are drunk and tired

not making out are drunk and tired mostly drunk alaska said slowly as if

mostly drunk alaska said slowly as if enunciation required great effort

enunciation required great effort we had almost never talked lara and i

we had almost never talked lara and i and we didn't get a chance to talk

and we didn't get a chance to talk anymore because of the colonel

anymore because of the colonel so we kissed quietly and laughed softly

so we kissed quietly and laughed softly with our mouths and our eyes

with our mouths and our eyes after so much kissing that it almost

after so much kissing that it almost started to get boring i whispered

started to get boring i whispered do you want to be my girlfriend and she

do you want to be my girlfriend and she said

said yes please and smiled

yes please and smiled we slept together in her sleeping bag

we slept together in her sleeping bag which felt a little crowded to be honest

which felt a little crowded to be honest but was still nice i had never felt

but was still nice i had never felt another person against me as i slept

another person against me as i slept it was a fine end to the best day of my

it was a fine end to the best day of my life

the next morning a term i use loosely since it was

since it was not yet dawn the colonel shook me awake

not yet dawn the colonel shook me awake lara was wrapped in my arms folded into

lara was wrapped in my arms folded into my body

my body we gotta go pudge time to roll up dude

we gotta go pudge time to roll up dude sleeping you can sleep after we check

sleeping you can sleep after we check in it's time to go he shouted

in it's time to go he shouted all right all right no screaming

all right all right no screaming head hurts and it did i could feel last

head hurts and it did i could feel last night's wine in my throat and my head

night's wine in my throat and my head throbbed like it had the morning after

throbbed like it had the morning after my concussion

my concussion my mouth tasted like a skunk had crawled

my mouth tasted like a skunk had crawled into my throat and died

into my throat and died i made an effort not to exhale near lara

i made an effort not to exhale near lara as she groggily extricated herself from

as she groggily extricated herself from the sleeping bag

the sleeping bag we packed everything quickly through our

we packed everything quickly through our empty bottles into the tall grass of the

empty bottles into the tall grass of the field

field littering was an unfortunate necessity

littering was an unfortunate necessity at the creek since no one wanted to

at the creek since no one wanted to throw an empty bottle of booze in a

throw an empty bottle of booze in a campus trash can

campus trash can and walked away from the barn lara

and walked away from the barn lara grabbed my hand and then shyly let go

grabbed my hand and then shyly let go alaska looked like a train wreck but

alaska looked like a train wreck but insisted on pouring the last few sips of

insisted on pouring the last few sips of strawberry hill into her cold instant

strawberry hill into her cold instant coffee before chucking the bottle behind

coffee before chucking the bottle behind her

her hair the dog she said how you doing

hair the dog she said how you doing the colonel asked her i've had better

the colonel asked her i've had better mornings

mornings hungover like an alcoholic preacher on

hungover like an alcoholic preacher on sunday morning

sunday morning maybe you shouldn't drink so much i

maybe you shouldn't drink so much i suggested

suggested pudge she shook her head and sipped the

pudge she shook her head and sipped the cold coffee and wine

cold coffee and wine pudge what you must understand about me

pudge what you must understand about me is that i

is that i am a deeply unhappy person

we walked side by side down the washed out dirt road on our way back to campus

out dirt road on our way back to campus just after we reached the bridge takumi

just after we reached the bridge takumi stopped said

stopped said uh-oh got in his hands and knees and

uh-oh got in his hands and knees and puked a volcano of yellow and pink

puked a volcano of yellow and pink let it out alaska said you'll be fine he

let it out alaska said you'll be fine he finished

finished stood up and said i finally found

stood up and said i finally found something that can stop the fox

something that can stop the fox the fox cannot summit strawberry hill

the fox cannot summit strawberry hill alaska and lara walk to their rooms

alaska and lara walk to their rooms planning to check in with the eagle

planning to check in with the eagle later in the day

later in the day while takumi and i stood behind the

while takumi and i stood behind the colonel as he knocked on the eagle's

colonel as he knocked on the eagle's door at nine am

door at nine am y'all are home early have fun

y'all are home early have fun yes sir the colonel said how's your mom

yes sir the colonel said how's your mom chip she's doing well sir she's in good

chip she's doing well sir she's in good shape

shape she feeds y'all well oh yes sir i said

she feeds y'all well oh yes sir i said she tried to fatten me up you need it

she tried to fatten me up you need it y'all have a good day

well i don't think he suspected anything the colonel said on our way back to room

the colonel said on our way back to room 43

43 so maybe we actually pulled it off

so maybe we actually pulled it off i thought about going over to see lara

i thought about going over to see lara but i was pretty tired

but i was pretty tired so i just went to bed and slept through

so i just went to bed and slept through my hangover

my hangover it was not an eventful day i should have

it was not an eventful day i should have done extraordinary things

done extraordinary things i should have sucked the marrow out of

i should have sucked the marrow out of life but on that day

life but on that day i slept 18 hours out of a possible 24.

the next morning the first monday of the new semester the colonel came out of the

new semester the colonel came out of the shower just as my alarm went off

shower just as my alarm went off as i pulled on my shoes kevin knocked

as i pulled on my shoes kevin knocked once and then opened the door stepping

once and then opened the door stepping inside

inside you're looking good the colonel said

you're looking good the colonel said casually

casually kevin now sported a crew cut a small

kevin now sported a crew cut a small patch of short blue hair on each side of

patch of short blue hair on each side of his head just above the ear

his head just above the ear his lower lip jutted out the morning's

his lower lip jutted out the morning's first dip

first dip he walked over to our coffee table

he walked over to our coffee table picked up a can of coke

picked up a can of coke and spit into it you almost didn't get

and spit into it you almost didn't get me

me i noticed it in my conditioner and got

i noticed it in my conditioner and got right back in the shower

right back in the shower but i didn't notice it in my gel it

but i didn't notice it in my gel it didn't show up in jeff's hair at all

didn't show up in jeff's hair at all but longwell and me we had to go with

but longwell and me we had to go with the marine look thank god i have

the marine look thank god i have clippers

clippers it suits you i said although it didn't

it suits you i said although it didn't the short hair accentuated his features

the short hair accentuated his features specifically his two close together

specifically his two close together beady eyes which did not stand up well

beady eyes which did not stand up well to accentuation

to accentuation the colonel was trying hard to look

the colonel was trying hard to look tough ready for whatever kevin might do

tough ready for whatever kevin might do but it's hard to look tough when you're

but it's hard to look tough when you're only wearing an orange towel

only wearing an orange towel truce well your troubles aren't over

truce well your troubles aren't over i'm afraid the colonel said referring to

i'm afraid the colonel said referring to the mailed but not yet received progress

the mailed but not yet received progress reports

reports all right if you say so we'll talk when

all right if you say so we'll talk when it's over i guess

it's over i guess i guess so the colonel said as kevin

i guess so the colonel said as kevin walked out

walked out the colonel said take the can you spit

the colonel said take the can you spit in you unhygienic

in you unhygienic kevin just closed the door behind him

kevin just closed the door behind him the colonel grabbed the can

the colonel grabbed the can opened the door and threw it at kevin

opened the door and threw it at kevin missing him by a good margin

missing him by a good margin jeez go easy on the guy

jeez go easy on the guy no truce yet pudge

no truce yet pudge i spent that afternoon with lara we were

i spent that afternoon with lara we were very

very cutesy even though we didn't know the

cutesy even though we didn't know the first thing about each other and barely

first thing about each other and barely talked

talked but we made out she grabbed my butt at

but we made out she grabbed my butt at one point

one point and i sort of jumped i was lying down

and i sort of jumped i was lying down but i did the best version of jumping

but i did the best version of jumping that one can do lying down

that one can do lying down and she said sorry and i said no

and she said sorry and i said no it's okay it's just a little sore from

it's okay it's just a little sore from the swan

the swan we walked to the tv room together and i

we walked to the tv room together and i locked the door

locked the door we were watching the brady bunch which

we were watching the brady bunch which she had never seen

she had never seen the episode where the bradys visit the

the episode where the bradys visit the gold mining ghost town and they all get

gold mining ghost town and they all get locked up in a one room jail by some

locked up in a one room jail by some crazy old gold panner with a scraggly

crazy old gold panner with a scraggly white beard

white beard was especially horrible and gave us a

was especially horrible and gave us a lot to laugh about

lot to laugh about which is good since we didn't have much

which is good since we didn't have much to talk about

to talk about just as the bradys were getting locked

just as the bradys were getting locked in jail lara randomly asked me

in jail lara randomly asked me have you ever gotten a um

have you ever gotten a um that's out of the blue i said the blue

that's out of the blue i said the blue like you know out of left field left

like you know out of left field left field

field like in baseball like out of nowhere i

like in baseball like out of nowhere i mean what made you think of that

mean what made you think of that i've just never given one she answered

i've just never given one she answered her little voice dripping with

her little voice dripping with seductiveness it was so brazen

seductiveness it was so brazen i thought i would explode i never

i thought i would explode i never thought i mean from alaska hearing that

thought i mean from alaska hearing that stuff was one thing

stuff was one thing but to hear her sweet little romanian

but to hear her sweet little romanian voice go so sexy all of a sudden

voice go so sexy all of a sudden no i said i never have think it would be

no i said i never have think it would be fun do i i thought

fun do i i thought um yeah i mean you don't have to

um yeah i mean you don't have to i think i want to she said and we kissed

i think i want to she said and we kissed a little

a little and then and then with me sitting

and then and then with me sitting watching the brady bunch watching marsha

watching the brady bunch watching marsha marcia marcia up to her brady antics

marcia marcia up to her brady antics laura unbuttoned my pants and pulled my

laura unbuttoned my pants and pulled my boxers down a little

boxers down a little and pulled out my penis wow

and pulled out my penis wow she said what she looked up at me but

she said what she looked up at me but didn't move

didn't move her face nanometers away from my penis

her face nanometers away from my penis it's weird what do you mean weird

it's weird what do you mean weird just big i guess

just big i guess i could live with that kind of weird and

i could live with that kind of weird and then she wrapped her hand around it

then she wrapped her hand around it and put it into her mouth and waited

and put it into her mouth and waited we were both very still she did not move

we were both very still she did not move a muscle

a muscle in her body and i did not move a muscle

in her body and i did not move a muscle in mine

in mine i knew at this point something else was

i knew at this point something else was supposed to happen but i wasn't quite

supposed to happen but i wasn't quite sure what

sure what she stayed still i could feel her

she stayed still i could feel her nervous breath

nervous breath for minutes for as long as it took the

for minutes for as long as it took the bradys to steal the key and unlock

bradys to steal the key and unlock themselves from the ghost town jail she

themselves from the ghost town jail she lay there stock still with my penis in

lay there stock still with my penis in her mouth

her mouth and i sat there waiting and then she

and i sat there waiting and then she took it out of her mouth and looked up

took it out of her mouth and looked up at me quizzically

at me quizzically should i do something um

should i do something um i don't know i said everything i learned

i don't know i said everything i learned from watching porn with alaska suddenly

from watching porn with alaska suddenly exited my brain

exited my brain i thought maybe she should move her head

i thought maybe she should move her head up and down but wouldn't that choke her

up and down but wouldn't that choke her so i just stayed quiet should i

so i just stayed quiet should i like bite don't bite

like bite don't bite i mean i don't think i think i mean that

i mean i don't think i think i mean that felt good that was nice i don't know if

felt good that was nice i don't know if there's something else

there's something else i mean you didn't um

i mean you didn't um maybe we should ask alaska so we went to

maybe we should ask alaska so we went to her room and asked alaska

her room and asked alaska she laughed and laughed sitting on her

she laughed and laughed sitting on her bed she laughed until she cried

bed she laughed until she cried she walked into the bathroom returned

she walked into the bathroom returned with a tube of toothpaste and

with a tube of toothpaste and showed us in detail never

showed us in detail never have i so wanted to be crest complete

have i so wanted to be crest complete laura and i went back to her room where

laura and i went back to her room where she did exactly what alaska told her to

she did exactly what alaska told her to do

do and i did exactly what alaska said i

and i did exactly what alaska said i would do which was die

would do which was die a hundred little ecstatic deaths my

a hundred little ecstatic deaths my fists clenched my body shaking

fists clenched my body shaking it was my first orgasm with a girl and

it was my first orgasm with a girl and afterward i was embarrassed and nervous

afterward i was embarrassed and nervous and

and so clearly was laura who finally broke

so clearly was laura who finally broke the silence by asking

the silence by asking so do you want to do some homework

so do you want to do some homework there was little to do on the first day

there was little to do on the first day of the semester but she read for her

of the semester but she read for her english class

english class i picked up a biography of argentinian

i picked up a biography of argentinian revolutionary che guevara

revolutionary che guevara whose face adorned a poster on the wall

whose face adorned a poster on the wall that lara's roommate had on her

that lara's roommate had on her bookshelf

bookshelf then i lay down next to lara on the

then i lay down next to lara on the bottom bunk

bottom bunk i began at the end as i sometimes did

i began at the end as i sometimes did with biographies i had no intention of

with biographies i had no intention of reading all the way through

reading all the way through and found his last words without too

and found his last words without too much searching

much searching captured by the bolivian army guevara

captured by the bolivian army guevara said

said shoot coward you are only going to kill

shoot coward you are only going to kill a man

a man i thought back to simone bolivar's last

i thought back to simone bolivar's last words in garcia marquez's novel

words in garcia marquez's novel how will i ever get out of this

how will i ever get out of this labyrinth south american revolutionaries

labyrinth south american revolutionaries it would seem died with flare

it would seem died with flare i read the last words out loud to lara

i read the last words out loud to lara she turned on her side

she turned on her side placing her head on my chest why

placing her head on my chest why do you like last ward so much

do you like last ward so much strange as it might seem i'd never

strange as it might seem i'd never really thought about why

really thought about why i don't know i said placing my hand

i don't know i said placing my hand against the small of her back

against the small of her back sometimes just because they're funny

sometimes just because they're funny like in the civil war

like in the civil war a general named sedgwick said they

a general named sedgwick said they couldn't hit an elephant from this dis

couldn't hit an elephant from this dis and then he got shot she laughed but a

and then he got shot she laughed but a lot of times

lot of times people die how they live and so last

people die how they live and so last words tell me a lot about who people

words tell me a lot about who people were and why they became the sort of

were and why they became the sort of people biographies get written about

people biographies get written about does that make sense yeah she said

does that make sense yeah she said yeah just yeah yeah

yeah just yeah yeah she said and then went back to reading

she said and then went back to reading i didn't know how to talk to her and i

i didn't know how to talk to her and i was frustrated with trying

was frustrated with trying so after a little while i got up to go i

so after a little while i got up to go i kissed her goodbye

kissed her goodbye i could do that at least

i picked up alaska and the colonel at our room and we walked down to the

our room and we walked down to the bridge

bridge where i repeated in embarrassing detail

where i repeated in embarrassing detail the fellatio fiasco

the fellatio fiasco i can't believe she went down on you

i can't believe she went down on you twice in one day

twice in one day the colonel said only technically really

the colonel said only technically really just once

just once alaska corrected still i mean

alaska corrected still i mean still pudge got his hog smoked

still pudge got his hog smoked the poor colonel alaska said with a

the poor colonel alaska said with a rueful smile

rueful smile i'd give you a pity blow but i really am

i'd give you a pity blow but i really am attached to jake

attached to jake that's just creepy the colonel said

that's just creepy the colonel said you're only supposed to flirt with pudge

you're only supposed to flirt with pudge but pudge has a girlfriend

but pudge has a girlfriend she laughed that night

she laughed that night the colonel and i walked down to

the colonel and i walked down to alaska's room to celebrate our barn

alaska's room to celebrate our barn night success

night success she and the colonel had been celebrating

she and the colonel had been celebrating a lot the past couple days and i didn't

a lot the past couple days and i didn't feel up to climbing strawberry hill

feel up to climbing strawberry hill so i sat and munched on pretzels while

so i sat and munched on pretzels while alaska and the colonel drank wine from

alaska and the colonel drank wine from paper cups with flowers on them

paper cups with flowers on them we ain't drinking out the bottle tonight

we ain't drinking out the bottle tonight hun the colonel said

hun the colonel said we classing it up it's an old time

we classing it up it's an old time southern drinking contest

southern drinking contest alaska responded weezy gonna treat pudge

alaska responded weezy gonna treat pudge to an evening a real southern living

to an evening a real southern living we gonna match each other dixie cup for

we gonna match each other dixie cup for dixie cup till the lesser drinker falls

dixie cup till the lesser drinker falls and that is pretty much what they did

and that is pretty much what they did pausing only to turn out the lights at

pausing only to turn out the lights at 11 so the eagle wouldn't drop by

11 so the eagle wouldn't drop by they chatted some but mostly they drank

they chatted some but mostly they drank and i drifted out of the conversation

and i drifted out of the conversation and ended up squinting through the dark

and ended up squinting through the dark looking at the book spines in alaska's

looking at the book spines in alaska's life library

life library even minus the books she'd lost in the

even minus the books she'd lost in the mini flood i could have stayed up until

mini flood i could have stayed up until morning reading through haphazard stacks

morning reading through haphazard stacks of titles

of titles a dozen white tulips in a plastic base

a dozen white tulips in a plastic base were precariously perched atop one of

were precariously perched atop one of the book stacks

the book stacks and when i asked her about them she just

and when i asked her about them she just said

said jake and mai's anniversary and i didn't

jake and mai's anniversary and i didn't care to continue that line of dialogue

care to continue that line of dialogue so i went back to scanning titles

so i went back to scanning titles and i was just wondering how i could go

and i was just wondering how i could go about learning edgar allan poe's last

about learning edgar allan poe's last words

words for the record lord help my poor soul

for the record lord help my poor soul when i heard alaska say

when i heard alaska say pudge isn't even listening to us and i

pudge isn't even listening to us and i said

said i'm listening we were just talking about

i'm listening we were just talking about truth or dare

truth or dare played out in seventh grade or still

played out in seventh grade or still cool

cool never played it i said no friends in

never played it i said no friends in seventh grade

seventh grade well that does it she shouted

well that does it she shouted a bit too loud given the late hour and

a bit too loud given the late hour and also given the fact that she was openly

also given the fact that she was openly drinking wine in the room

drinking wine in the room truth or dare all right i agreed but i'm

truth or dare all right i agreed but i'm not

not making out with the colonel the colonel

making out with the colonel the colonel sat slumped in the corner

sat slumped in the corner can't make out too drunk

can't make out too drunk alaska started truth or

alaska started truth or dare pudge dare

dare pudge dare hook up with me so i did

hook up with me so i did it was that quick i laughed looked

it was that quick i laughed looked nervous

nervous and she leaned in and tilted her head to

and she leaned in and tilted her head to the side

the side and we were kissing zero layers between

and we were kissing zero layers between us

us our tongues dancing back and forth in

our tongues dancing back and forth in each other's mouth until there was no

each other's mouth until there was no her mouth in my mouth but only our

her mouth in my mouth but only our mouths intertwined

mouths intertwined she tasted like cigarettes and mountain

she tasted like cigarettes and mountain dew and wine and chapstick

dew and wine and chapstick her hand came to my face and i felt her

her hand came to my face and i felt her soft fingers tracing the line of my jaw

soft fingers tracing the line of my jaw we laid down as we kissed she on top of

we laid down as we kissed she on top of me and i began to move beneath her

me and i began to move beneath her i pulled away for a moment to say what

i pulled away for a moment to say what is going on here

is going on here and she put one finger to her lips and

and she put one finger to her lips and we kissed again

we kissed again a hand grabbed one of mine and she

a hand grabbed one of mine and she placed it on her stomach

placed it on her stomach i moved slowly on top of her and felt

i moved slowly on top of her and felt her arching her back fluidly beneath me

her arching her back fluidly beneath me i pulled away again what about laura

i pulled away again what about laura jake again she shushed me

jake again she shushed me less tongue more lips she said and i

less tongue more lips she said and i tried my best

tried my best i thought the tongue was the whole point

i thought the tongue was the whole point but she was the expert

but she was the expert christ the colonel said quite loudly

christ the colonel said quite loudly that wretched beast drama draws an eye

that wretched beast drama draws an eye but we paid no attention

but we paid no attention she moved my hand from her waist to her

she moved my hand from her waist to her breast and i felt

breast and i felt cautiously my fingers moving slowly

cautiously my fingers moving slowly under her shirt but over her bra

under her shirt but over her bra tracing the outline of her breasts and

tracing the outline of her breasts and then cupping one in my hand

then cupping one in my hand squeezing softly you're good at that

squeezing softly you're good at that she whispered her lips never left mine

she whispered her lips never left mine as she spoke

as she spoke we moved together my body between her

we moved together my body between her legs

legs this is so fun she whispered

this is so fun she whispered but i'm so sleepy to be

but i'm so sleepy to be continued she kissed me for another

continued she kissed me for another moment

moment my mouth straining to stay near hers and

my mouth straining to stay near hers and then she moved from beneath me

then she moved from beneath me placed her head on my chest and fell

placed her head on my chest and fell asleep instantly

asleep instantly we didn't have sex we never got naked i

we didn't have sex we never got naked i never touched her bare breast and her

never touched her bare breast and her hands never got lower than my hips

hands never got lower than my hips it didn't matter as she slept i

it didn't matter as she slept i whispered

whispered i love you alaska young just as i was

i love you alaska young just as i was falling asleep

falling asleep the colonel spoke dude

the colonel spoke dude did you just make out with alaska

did you just make out with alaska yeah this is going to

yeah this is going to end poorly he said to himself

end poorly he said to himself and then i was asleep that deep can

and then i was asleep that deep can still taste her in my mouth sleep

still taste her in my mouth sleep that sleep that's not particularly

that sleep that's not particularly restful but is difficult to wake from

restful but is difficult to wake from all the same

all the same and then i heard the phone ring i think

and then i heard the phone ring i think and i think although i can't know that i

and i think although i can't know that i felt

felt alaska get up i think i heard her leave

alaska get up i think i heard her leave i think

i think how long she was gone is impossible to

how long she was gone is impossible to know

know but the colonel and i both woke up when

but the colonel and i both woke up when she returned whenever that was

she returned whenever that was because she slammed the door she was

because she slammed the door she was sobbing like that post thanksgiving

sobbing like that post thanksgiving morning but worse

morning but worse i have to get out of here she cried

i have to get out of here she cried what's wrong

what's wrong i asked i forgot god how many times can

i asked i forgot god how many times can i

i up she said i didn't even have time to

up she said i didn't even have time to wonder what

wonder what she forgot before she screamed i just

she forgot before she screamed i just have to go help me get out of here

have to go help me get out of here where do you need to go she sat down and

where do you need to go she sat down and put her head between her legs

put her head between her legs sobbing just please distract the eagle

sobbing just please distract the eagle right now so i can go

right now so i can go please the colonel and i at the same

please the colonel and i at the same moment equal in our guilt said

moment equal in our guilt said okay just don't turn on your lights

okay just don't turn on your lights the colonel said just drive slow and

the colonel said just drive slow and don't turn on your lights are you sure

don't turn on your lights are you sure you're okay

you're okay she said just get rid of the eagle

she said just get rid of the eagle for me

for me she said her sobs child like half

she said her sobs child like half screams

screams god oh god i'm so sorry okay

god oh god i'm so sorry okay colonel said start the car when you hear

colonel said start the car when you hear the second string

the second string we left we did not say

we left we did not say don't drive you're drunk we did not say

don't drive you're drunk we did not say we aren't letting you in that car when

we aren't letting you in that car when you are upset

you are upset we did not say we insist on going with

we did not say we insist on going with you

you we did not say this can wait until

we did not say this can wait until tomorrow anything everything

tomorrow anything everything can wait we walked to our bathroom

can wait we walked to our bathroom grabbed the three strings of leftover

grabbed the three strings of leftover firecrackers from beneath the sink

firecrackers from beneath the sink and ran to the eagles we weren't sure

and ran to the eagles we weren't sure that it would work again but it worked

that it would work again but it worked well enough

well enough the eagle tore out of his house as soon

the eagle tore out of his house as soon as the first string of firecrackers

as the first string of firecrackers started popping

started popping he was waiting for us i suppose and we

he was waiting for us i suppose and we headed for the woods

headed for the woods and got him in deeply enough that he

and got him in deeply enough that he never heard her drive away

never heard her drive away the colonel and i doubled back waiting

the colonel and i doubled back waiting through the creek to save time

through the creek to save time slipped in through the back window of

slipped in through the back window of room 43 and slept

room 43 and slept like babies

the day after the colonel slept the not restful sleep of the drunk

slept the not restful sleep of the drunk and i lay on my back

and i lay on my back on the bottom bunk my mouth tingling and

on the bottom bunk my mouth tingling and alive as if still kissing

alive as if still kissing and we would have likely slept through

and we would have likely slept through our morning classes

our morning classes had the eagle not awoken us at eight

had the eagle not awoken us at eight o'clock with three quick

o'clock with three quick knocks i rolled over as he opened the

knocks i rolled over as he opened the door

door and the morning light rushed into the

and the morning light rushed into the room

room i need y'all to go to the gym he said

i need y'all to go to the gym he said i squinted toward him the eagle himself

i squinted toward him the eagle himself backlit into invisibility by the two

backlit into invisibility by the two bright sun

bright sun now he added and i knew it

now he added and i knew it we were done for caught

we were done for caught too many progress reports too much

too many progress reports too much drinking in too short a time

drinking in too short a time why did they have to drink last night

why did they have to drink last night and then i could taste her again

and then i could taste her again the wine and the cigarette smoke and the

the wine and the cigarette smoke and the chapstick and alaska

chapstick and alaska and i wondered if she had kissed me

and i wondered if she had kissed me because she was drunk

because she was drunk don't expel me i thought don't i have

don't expel me i thought don't i have just

just begun to kiss her and as if answering my

begun to kiss her and as if answering my prayers

prayers the eagle said you're not in any trouble

the eagle said you're not in any trouble but you need to go to the gym now

but you need to go to the gym now i heard the colonel rolling over above

i heard the colonel rolling over above me what's wrong

me what's wrong something terrible has happened the

something terrible has happened the eagle said

eagle said and then closed the door as he grabbed a

and then closed the door as he grabbed a pair of jeans lying on the floor

pair of jeans lying on the floor the colonel said this happened a couple

the colonel said this happened a couple years ago

years ago when hyde's wife died i guess it's the

when hyde's wife died i guess it's the old man himself

old man himself now poor bastard really didn't have many

now poor bastard really didn't have many breasts left

breasts left he looked up at me his half open eyes

he looked up at me his half open eyes bloodshot and yawned

bloodshot and yawned you look a little hung over i observed

you look a little hung over i observed he closed his eyes well then i'm putting

he closed his eyes well then i'm putting up a good front pudge because i'm

up a good front pudge because i'm actually

actually a lot hungover i kissed alaska

a lot hungover i kissed alaska yeah i wasn't that drunk let's go

yeah i wasn't that drunk let's go we walked across the dorm circle to the

we walked across the dorm circle to the gym i sported baggy jeans a sweatshirt

gym i sported baggy jeans a sweatshirt with no shirt underneath and a bad case

with no shirt underneath and a bad case of bed head

of bed head all the teachers were in the dorm circle

all the teachers were in the dorm circle knocking on doors but

knocking on doors but i didn't see dr hyde i imagined him

i didn't see dr hyde i imagined him lying dead in his house wondering who

lying dead in his house wondering who had found him

had found him how they even knew he was missing before

how they even knew he was missing before he failed to show up for class

he failed to show up for class i don't see dr hyde i told the colonel

i don't see dr hyde i told the colonel poor bastard the gym was half full by

poor bastard the gym was half full by the time we arrived

the time we arrived a podium had been set up in the middle

a podium had been set up in the middle of the basketball court close to the

of the basketball court close to the bleachers

bleachers i sat in the second row with the colonel

i sat in the second row with the colonel directly in front of me

directly in front of me my thoughts were split between sadness

my thoughts were split between sadness for dr hyde

for dr hyde an excitement about alaska remembering

an excitement about alaska remembering the up close

the up close sight of her mouth whispering to be

sight of her mouth whispering to be continued

continued and it did not occur to me not even when

and it did not occur to me not even when dr

dr hyde shuffled into the gym taking tiny

hyde shuffled into the gym taking tiny slow steps toward the colonel and me

slow steps toward the colonel and me i tapped the kernel on the shoulder and

i tapped the kernel on the shoulder and said hides here

said hides here and the colonel said oh

and the colonel said oh and i said what and he said

and i said what and he said where's alaska and i said

where's alaska and i said no and he said pudge is she here or not

no and he said pudge is she here or not and then we both stood up and scanned

and then we both stood up and scanned the faces in the gym

the faces in the gym the eagle walked to the podium and said

the eagle walked to the podium and said is everyone here

is everyone here no i said to him alaska isn't here

no i said to him alaska isn't here the eagle looked down is everyone else

the eagle looked down is everyone else here alaska isn't here

here alaska isn't here okay miles thank you we can't start

okay miles thank you we can't start without alaska

without alaska the eagle looked at me he was crying

the eagle looked at me he was crying noiselessly

noiselessly tears just rolled from his eyes to his

tears just rolled from his eyes to his chin and then fell onto his corduroy

chin and then fell onto his corduroy pants

pants he stared at me but it was not the look

he stared at me but it was not the look of doom

of doom his eyes blinking the tears down his

his eyes blinking the tears down his face the eagle looked for all the world

face the eagle looked for all the world sorry please sir i said can we please

sorry please sir i said can we please wait for alaska i felt all of them

wait for alaska i felt all of them staring at us trying to understand what

staring at us trying to understand what i now

i now knew but didn't quite believe the eagle

knew but didn't quite believe the eagle looked down and bit his lower lip

looked down and bit his lower lip last night alaska young was in a

last night alaska young was in a terrible

terrible accident his tears came faster then

accident his tears came faster then and she was killed alaska has passed

and she was killed alaska has passed away

away for a moment everyone in the gym was

for a moment everyone in the gym was silent and the place had never been so

silent and the place had never been so quiet

quiet not even in the moments before the

not even in the moments before the colonel ridiculed opponents at the free

colonel ridiculed opponents at the free throw stripe

throw stripe i stared down at the back of the

i stared down at the back of the colonel's head i just stared

colonel's head i just stared looking at his thick and bushy hair for

looking at his thick and bushy hair for a moment it was so quiet

a moment it was so quiet that you could hear the sound of not

that you could hear the sound of not breathing the vacuum created by 190

breathing the vacuum created by 190 students

students shocked out of air i thought

shocked out of air i thought it's all my fault i thought

it's all my fault i thought i don't feel very good i thought

i don't feel very good i thought i'm gonna throw up i stood up and ran

i'm gonna throw up i stood up and ran outside

outside i made it to a trash can outside the gym

i made it to a trash can outside the gym five feet from the double doors

five feet from the double doors and heaved toward gatorade bottles and

and heaved toward gatorade bottles and half-eaten mcdonald's

half-eaten mcdonald's but nothing much came out i just heaved

but nothing much came out i just heaved my stomach muscles tightening and my

my stomach muscles tightening and my throat opening in a gasping

throat opening in a gasping guttural black going through the motions

guttural black going through the motions of vomiting over and over again

of vomiting over and over again in between gags and coughs i sucked air

in between gags and coughs i sucked air in hard her mouth

in hard her mouth her dead cold mouth

her dead cold mouth to not be continued i knew

to not be continued i knew she was drunk upset obviously you don't

she was drunk upset obviously you don't let someone drive drunk

let someone drive drunk and pissed off obviously and

and pissed off obviously and christ miles what the hell is wrong with

christ miles what the hell is wrong with you

you and then comes the puke finally

and then comes the puke finally splashing onto the trash

splashing onto the trash and here is whatever of her i had left

and here is whatever of her i had left in my mouth

in my mouth here in this trash can and then it comes

here in this trash can and then it comes again more

again more and then okay calm down okay seriously

and then okay calm down okay seriously she's not

she's not dead she's not dead she's alive she's

dead she's not dead she's alive she's alive somewhere

alive somewhere she's in the woods alaska is hiding in

she's in the woods alaska is hiding in the woods and she's not

the woods and she's not dead she's just hiding she's playing a

dead she's just hiding she's playing a trick on us

trick on us this is just an alaska young prank

this is just an alaska young prank extraordinaire

extraordinaire it's alaska being alaska funny and

it's alaska being alaska funny and playful and not knowing when or

playful and not knowing when or how to put on the brakes and then i felt

how to put on the brakes and then i felt much better

much better because she had not died at all i walked

because she had not died at all i walked back into the gym

back into the gym and everyone seemed to be in various

and everyone seemed to be in various stages of disintegration

stages of disintegration it was like something you see on tv like

it was like something you see on tv like a national geographic special on funeral

a national geographic special on funeral rituals

rituals i saw takumi standing over lara his

i saw takumi standing over lara his hands on her shoulders

hands on her shoulders i saw kevin with his crew cut his head

i saw kevin with his crew cut his head buried between his knees

buried between his knees a girl named molly tan who'd studied

a girl named molly tan who'd studied with us for pre-calc

with us for pre-calc wailed beating bald fists against her

wailed beating bald fists against her thighs

thighs all these people i sort of knew and sort

all these people i sort of knew and sort of didn't and

of didn't and all of them disintegrating and then i

all of them disintegrating and then i saw the colonel

saw the colonel his knees tucked into his chest lying on

his knees tucked into his chest lying on his side on the bleachers

his side on the bleachers madame o'malley sitting next to him

madame o'malley sitting next to him reaching toward his shoulder but not

reaching toward his shoulder but not actually touching it

actually touching it the colonel was screaming he would

the colonel was screaming he would inhale

inhale and then scream inhale scream

and then scream inhale scream inhale scream

inhale scream i thought at first that it was only

i thought at first that it was only yelling

yelling but after a few breaths i noticed a

but after a few breaths i noticed a rhythm

rhythm and after a few more i realized that the

and after a few more i realized that the colonel was saying

colonel was saying words he was screaming i'm so

words he was screaming i'm so sorry madam o'malley grabbed his hand

sorry madam o'malley grabbed his hand you've got nothing to be sorry for chip

you've got nothing to be sorry for chip there was nothing you could have done

there was nothing you could have done but if only she knew and i just stood

but if only she knew and i just stood there

there looking at the scene thinking about her

looking at the scene thinking about her not dead

not dead and i felt a hand on my shoulder and

and i felt a hand on my shoulder and turned around to see the eagle

turned around to see the eagle and i said i think she's playing a dumb

and i said i think she's playing a dumb prank

prank and he said no miles no

and he said no miles no i'm sorry and i felt the heat in my

i'm sorry and i felt the heat in my cheeks and said she's really good she

cheeks and said she's really good she could pull this off

could pull this off and he said i saw her

and he said i saw her i'm sorry what happened

i'm sorry what happened somebody was setting off firecrackers in

somebody was setting off firecrackers in the woods

the woods he said i closed my eyes tight the

he said i closed my eyes tight the ineluctable fact of the matter at hand

ineluctable fact of the matter at hand i had killed her i went out after them

i had killed her i went out after them and i guess she drove off campus

and i guess she drove off campus it was late she was on i-65 just south

it was late she was on i-65 just south of downtown

of downtown a truck had jackknifed blocking both

a truck had jackknifed blocking both lanes a police car had just gotten to

lanes a police car had just gotten to the scene

the scene she hit the cruiser without ever

she hit the cruiser without ever swerving

swerving i believe she must have been very

i believe she must have been very intoxicated the police said they smelled

intoxicated the police said they smelled alcohol

alcohol how do you know i asked i saw

how do you know i asked i saw her miles i talked to the police

her miles i talked to the police it was instant the steering wheel hit

it was instant the steering wheel hit her chest

her chest i'm so sorry and i said you saw her and

i'm so sorry and i said you saw her and he said yes

he said yes and i said how did she look and he said

and i said how did she look and he said just a bit of blood coming out of her

just a bit of blood coming out of her nose

nose and i sat down on the floor of the gym i

and i sat down on the floor of the gym i could hear the colonel still screaming

could hear the colonel still screaming and i could feel hands on my back as i

and i could feel hands on my back as i hunched forward

hunched forward but i could only see her lying naked on

but i could only see her lying naked on a metal table

a metal table a small trickle of blood falling out of

a small trickle of blood falling out of her half teardrop nose

her half teardrop nose her green eyes open staring off into the

her green eyes open staring off into the distance

distance her mouth turned up just enough to

her mouth turned up just enough to suggest the idea of a smile

suggest the idea of a smile and she had felt so warm against me her

and she had felt so warm against me her mouth

mouth soft and warm on mine

the colonel and i are walking back to our dorm room in silence

our dorm room in silence i am staring at the ground beneath me i

i am staring at the ground beneath me i cannot

cannot stop thinking that she is dead and i

stop thinking that she is dead and i cannot stop thinking that she cannot

cannot stop thinking that she cannot possibly be dead

possibly be dead people do not just die i can't catch my

people do not just die i can't catch my breath

breath i feel afraid like someone has told me

i feel afraid like someone has told me they're gonna kick my ass after school

they're gonna kick my ass after school and it's now sixth period and i know

and it's now sixth period and i know full well what's coming

full well what's coming it's so cold today literally freezing

it's so cold today literally freezing and i imagine running to the creek and

and i imagine running to the creek and diving in headfirst

diving in headfirst the creek so shallow that my hands

the creek so shallow that my hands scrape against the rocks

scrape against the rocks and my body slides into the cold water

and my body slides into the cold water the shock of the cold giving way to

the shock of the cold giving way to numbness

numbness and i would stay there float down with

and i would stay there float down with that water

that water first to the cahaba river then to the

first to the cahaba river then to the alabama river

alabama river then to mobile bay in the gulf of mexico

then to mobile bay in the gulf of mexico i want to melt into the brown crunchy

i want to melt into the brown crunchy grass that the colonel and i step on as

grass that the colonel and i step on as we silently make our way back to our

we silently make our way back to our room

room his feet are so large too large for his

his feet are so large too large for his short body

short body and the new generic tennis shoes he

and the new generic tennis shoes he wears since his old ones were pissed in

wears since his old ones were pissed in look

look almost like clown shoes i think of

almost like clown shoes i think of alaska's flip-flops clinging to her blue

alaska's flip-flops clinging to her blue toes as we swung on the swing down by

toes as we swung on the swing down by the lake

the lake will the casket be open can a mortician

will the casket be open can a mortician recreate her smile

recreate her smile i could still hear her saying this is so

i could still hear her saying this is so fun but i'm so sleepy to be continued

19th century preacher henry ward beecher's last words were

beecher's last words were now comes the mystery the poet dylan

now comes the mystery the poet dylan thomas

thomas who liked a good drink at least as much

who liked a good drink at least as much as alaska said

as alaska said i've had 18 straight whiskeys i do

i've had 18 straight whiskeys i do believe that's a record

believe that's a record before dying alaska's favorite was

before dying alaska's favorite was playwright eugene o'neill

playwright eugene o'neill born in a hotel room and god damn it

born in a hotel room and god damn it died in a hotel room

died in a hotel room even car accident victims sometimes have

even car accident victims sometimes have time for last words princess diana said

time for last words princess diana said oh god what's happened movie star james

oh god what's happened movie star james dean said

dean said they've got to see us just before

they've got to see us just before slamming his porsche into another car

slamming his porsche into another car i know so many last words but

i know so many last words but i will never know hers i am several

i will never know hers i am several steps in front of him before i realize

steps in front of him before i realize that the colonel has fallen down

that the colonel has fallen down i turn around and he is lying on his

i turn around and he is lying on his face

face we have to get up chip we have to get up

we have to get up chip we have to get up we just have to get to the room

we just have to get to the room the colonel turns his face from the

the colonel turns his face from the ground to me and looks me dead in the

ground to me and looks me dead in the eye and says

eye and says i can't breathe

i can't breathe but he can breathe and i know this

but he can breathe and i know this because he is hyperventilating

because he is hyperventilating breathing as if trying to blow air back

breathing as if trying to blow air back into the dead

into the dead i pick him up and he grabs on to me and

i pick him up and he grabs on to me and starts sobbing

starts sobbing again saying i'm so sorry over and over

again saying i'm so sorry over and over again

again we have never hugged before me in the

we have never hugged before me in the colonel and there is nothing much to say

colonel and there is nothing much to say because he ought to be sorry and i just

because he ought to be sorry and i just put my hand on the back of his head and

put my hand on the back of his head and say the only

say the only true thing i'm sorry too

i didn't sleep that night dawn was slow in coming

in coming and even when it did the sun shining

and even when it did the sun shining bright through the blinds

bright through the blinds the rickety radiator couldn't keep us

the rickety radiator couldn't keep us warm so the colonel and i sat wordlessly

warm so the colonel and i sat wordlessly on the couch he read the almanac

on the couch he read the almanac the night before i'd braved the cold to

the night before i'd braved the cold to call my parents

call my parents and this time when i said hey it's miles

and this time when i said hey it's miles and my mom answered with what's wrong is

and my mom answered with what's wrong is everything okay

everything okay i could safely tell her no everything

i could safely tell her no everything was not

was not okay my dad picked up the line then

okay my dad picked up the line then what's wrong he asked don't yell my

what's wrong he asked don't yell my mother said

mother said i'm not yelling it's just the phone well

i'm not yelling it's just the phone well talk

talk quieter she said and so it took some

quieter she said and so it took some time before i could say anything

time before i could say anything and then once i could it took some time

and then once i could it took some time to say the words in order

to say the words in order my friend alaska died in a car crash

my friend alaska died in a car crash i stared at the numbers and messages

i stared at the numbers and messages scrawled on the wall by the phone

scrawled on the wall by the phone oh miles mom said i'm

oh miles mom said i'm so sorry miles do you want to come home

so sorry miles do you want to come home no i said i want to be here

no i said i want to be here i can't believe it which was still

i can't believe it which was still partly true

partly true that's just awful my dad said

that's just awful my dad said her poor parents poor parent

her poor parents poor parent i thought and wondered about her dad i

i thought and wondered about her dad i couldn't even imagine what my parents

couldn't even imagine what my parents would do if i died

would do if i died driving drunk god if her father ever

driving drunk god if her father ever found out he would disembowel the

found out he would disembowel the colonel

colonel and me what can we do for you right now

and me what can we do for you right now my mom

my mom asked i just needed you to pick up

asked i just needed you to pick up i just needed you to answer the phone

i just needed you to answer the phone and you did

and you did i heard a sniffle behind me from cold or

i heard a sniffle behind me from cold or grief i don't know

grief i don't know and told my parents someone's waiting

and told my parents someone's waiting for the phone

for the phone i gotta go all night i felt paralyzed

i gotta go all night i felt paralyzed into silence

into silence terrorized what was i so afraid of

terrorized what was i so afraid of anyway

anyway the thing had happened she was dead she

the thing had happened she was dead she was warm and soft against my skin

was warm and soft against my skin my tongue in her mouth and she was

my tongue in her mouth and she was laughing trying to teach me

laughing trying to teach me make me better promising to be continued

make me better promising to be continued and now and now she was colder by the

and now and now she was colder by the hour

hour more dead with every breath i took

more dead with every breath i took i thought that is the fear i have lost

i thought that is the fear i have lost something important

something important and i cannot find it and i need it it is

and i cannot find it and i need it it is fear like if someone lost his glasses

fear like if someone lost his glasses and went to the glasses store and they

and went to the glasses store and they told him that the world had run out of

told him that the world had run out of glasses

glasses and he would just have to do without

just before eight in the morning the colonel announced to no one in

colonel announced to no one in particular

particular i think there are buffritos at lunch

i think there are buffritos at lunch today

today yeah i said are you hungry

yeah i said are you hungry god no but she named them you know

god no but she named them you know they were called fried burritos when we

they were called fried burritos when we got here and alaska started calling them

got here and alaska started calling them befritos

befritos and then everyone did and then finally

and then everyone did and then finally maureen officially changed the name

maureen officially changed the name he paused i don't know what to do miles

he paused i don't know what to do miles yeah i know i finished

yeah i know i finished memorizing the capitals he said

memorizing the capitals he said of the states no that was fifth grade

of the states no that was fifth grade of the countries name a country

of the countries name a country canada i said something hard

canada i said something hard um uzbekistan tashkent

um uzbekistan tashkent he didn't even take a moment to think it

he didn't even take a moment to think it was just there at the tip of his tongue

was just there at the tip of his tongue as if he'd been waiting for me to say

as if he'd been waiting for me to say uzbekistan all along

uzbekistan all along let's smoke we walked to the bathroom

let's smoke we walked to the bathroom and turned on the shower and the colonel

and turned on the shower and the colonel pulled a pack of matches from his jeans

pulled a pack of matches from his jeans and struck a match against the matchbook

and struck a match against the matchbook it didn't light again he tried and

it didn't light again he tried and failed and again

failed and again smacking the matchbook with a

smacking the matchbook with a crescendoing fury until he finally threw

crescendoing fury until he finally threw the matches to the ground and screamed

the matches to the ground and screamed god

god damn it it's okay i said reaching into

damn it it's okay i said reaching into my pocket for a lighter

my pocket for a lighter no pudge it's not he said throwing down

no pudge it's not he said throwing down his cigarette and standing up

his cigarette and standing up suddenly pissed god damn it

suddenly pissed god damn it god how did this happen how could she be

god how did this happen how could she be so stupid

so stupid she just never thought anything through

she just never thought anything through so goddamned impulsive

so goddamned impulsive christ it is not okay i can't believe

christ it is not okay i can't believe she was so stupid we should have stopped

she was so stupid we should have stopped her

her i said he reached into the stall to turn

i said he reached into the stall to turn off the dribbling shower

off the dribbling shower and then pounded an open palm against

and then pounded an open palm against the tile wall

the tile wall yeah i know we should have stopped her

yeah i know we should have stopped her damn it

damn it i am sure keenly aware that we

i am sure keenly aware that we should have stopped her

should have stopped her but we shouldn't have had to you had to

but we shouldn't have had to you had to watch her like a three-year-old

watch her like a three-year-old you do one thing wrong and then she just

you do one thing wrong and then she just dies christ i'm losing it

dies christ i'm losing it i'm going on a walk okay

i'm going on a walk okay i answered trying to keep my voice calm

i answered trying to keep my voice calm i'm sorry he said i feel so screwed up

i'm sorry he said i feel so screwed up i feel like i might die you might

i feel like i might die you might i said yeah yeah i might

i said yeah yeah i might you never know it's just it's like poof

you never know it's just it's like poof and you're gone i followed him into the

and you're gone i followed him into the room

room he grabbed the almanac from his bunk

he grabbed the almanac from his bunk zipped his jacket

zipped his jacket closed the door and poof

closed the door and poof he was gone

with mourning came visitors an hour after the colonel left

after the colonel left resident stoner hank walston dropped by

resident stoner hank walston dropped by to offer me some weed which i graciously

to offer me some weed which i graciously turned down

turned down hank hugged me and said at least it was

hank hugged me and said at least it was instant

instant at least there wasn't any pain

at least there wasn't any pain i knew he was only trying to help but he

i knew he was only trying to help but he didn't get it

didn't get it there was pain a dull

there was pain a dull endless pain in my gut that wouldn't go

endless pain in my gut that wouldn't go away even when i knelt on the stingingly

away even when i knelt on the stingingly frozen tile of the bathroom

frozen tile of the bathroom dry heaving and what is an

dry heaving and what is an instant death anyway how long is an

instant death anyway how long is an instant

instant is it one second ten the

is it one second ten the pain of those seconds must have been

pain of those seconds must have been awful as her heart

awful as her heart burst and her lungs collapsed and there

burst and her lungs collapsed and there was no air and no blood to her brain and

was no air and no blood to her brain and only raw

only raw panic what the hell is instant

panic what the hell is instant nothing is instant instant rice takes

nothing is instant instant rice takes five minutes

five minutes instant pudding an hour i doubt that an

instant pudding an hour i doubt that an instant of blinding pain

instant of blinding pain feels particularly instantaneous

feels particularly instantaneous was there time for her life to flash

was there time for her life to flash before her eyes

before her eyes was i there was jake and she

was i there was jake and she promised i remembered she promised to be

promised i remembered she promised to be continued

continued but i knew too that she was driving

but i knew too that she was driving north when she died

north when she died north toward nashville toward jake

north toward nashville toward jake maybe it hadn't meant anything to her

maybe it hadn't meant anything to her had been nothing more than another grand

had been nothing more than another grand impulsivity

impulsivity and as hank stood in the doorway i just

and as hank stood in the doorway i just looked past him

looked past him looking across the two quiet dorm circle

looking across the two quiet dorm circle wondering if it had mattered to her and

wondering if it had mattered to her and i can only tell myself that

i can only tell myself that of course yes she had promised

of course yes she had promised to be continued lara came next

to be continued lara came next her eyes heavy with swelling what

her eyes heavy with swelling what happened

happened she asked me as i held her standing on

she asked me as i held her standing on my tiptoes so i could place my chin

my tiptoes so i could place my chin on top of her head i don't know i said

on top of her head i don't know i said did you see her that night she asked

did you see her that night she asked speaking into my collarbone

speaking into my collarbone she got drunk i told her the colonel and

she got drunk i told her the colonel and i went to sleep

i went to sleep and i guess she drove off campus and

and i guess she drove off campus and that became the standard lie

that became the standard lie i felt lara's fingers wet with her tears

i felt lara's fingers wet with her tears press against my palm

press against my palm and before i could think better of it i

and before i could think better of it i pulled my hand away

pulled my hand away i'm sorry i said it's okay

i'm sorry i said it's okay she said i'll be in my room if you want

she said i'll be in my room if you want to come by

to come by i did not drop by i didn't know what to

i did not drop by i didn't know what to say to her

say to her i was caught in a love triangle with one

i was caught in a love triangle with one dead side that afternoon

dead side that afternoon we all filed into the gym again for a

we all filed into the gym again for a town meeting

town meeting the eagle announced that the school

the eagle announced that the school would charter a bus on sunday to the

would charter a bus on sunday to the funeral in vine station

funeral in vine station as we got up to leave i noticed takumi

as we got up to leave i noticed takumi and lara walking toward me

and lara walking toward me lara caught my eye and smiled warmly

lara caught my eye and smiled warmly i smiled back but quickly turned and hid

i smiled back but quickly turned and hid myself amid the mass of mourners filing

myself amid the mass of mourners filing out of the gym

i am sleeping and alaska flies into the room she is naked

room she is naked and intact her breasts which i felt only

and intact her breasts which i felt only very briefly and in the dark

very briefly and in the dark are luminously full as they hang down

are luminously full as they hang down from her body

from her body she hovers inches above me her breath

she hovers inches above me her breath warm and sweet against my face like a

warm and sweet against my face like a breeze

breeze passing through tall grass hi

passing through tall grass hi i say i've missed you

i say i've missed you you look good pudge so do you

you look good pudge so do you i'm so naked she says and laughs

i'm so naked she says and laughs how did i get so naked i just

how did i get so naked i just want you to stay i say

want you to stay i say no she says and her weight falls

no she says and her weight falls dead on me crushing my chest stealing

dead on me crushing my chest stealing away my breath

away my breath and she is cold and wet like melting ice

and she is cold and wet like melting ice her head is split in half and a pink

her head is split in half and a pink gray sludge oozes from the fracture in

gray sludge oozes from the fracture in her skull and drips down onto my face

her skull and drips down onto my face and she stinks of formaldehyde and

and she stinks of formaldehyde and rotting meat a

rotting meat a gag and push her off me terrified

gag and push her off me terrified i woke up falling and landed with a thud

i woke up falling and landed with a thud on the floor

on the floor thank god i'm a bottom bunk man i had

thank god i'm a bottom bunk man i had slept for 14 hours

slept for 14 hours it was morning wednesday i thought her

it was morning wednesday i thought her funeral sunday

funeral sunday i wondered if the colonel would get back

i wondered if the colonel would get back by then where

by then where he was he had to come back for the

he was he had to come back for the funeral because i could not go alone

funeral because i could not go alone and going with anyone other than the

and going with anyone other than the colonel would amount to alone

colonel would amount to alone the cold wind buffeted against the door

the cold wind buffeted against the door and the trees outside the back window

and the trees outside the back window shook with such

shook with such force that i could hear it from our room

force that i could hear it from our room and i

and i sat in my bed and thought of the colonel

sat in my bed and thought of the colonel out there

out there somewhere his head down his teeth

somewhere his head down his teeth clenched

clenched walking into the wind

four days after it was five in the morning

morning and i was reading a biography of the

and i was reading a biography of the explorer meriwether lewis of and clark

explorer meriwether lewis of and clark fame

fame and trying to stay awake when the door

and trying to stay awake when the door opened and the colonel walked in

opened and the colonel walked in his pale hands shook and the almanac he

his pale hands shook and the almanac he held looked like a puppet dancing

held looked like a puppet dancing without strings

without strings are you cold i asked he nodded slipped

are you cold i asked he nodded slipped off his sneakers

off his sneakers and climbed into my bed on the bottom

and climbed into my bed on the bottom bunk pulling up the covers

bunk pulling up the covers his teeth chattered like morse code

his teeth chattered like morse code jesus are you all right better now

jesus are you all right better now warmer

warmer he said a small ghost white hand

he said a small ghost white hand appeared from beneath the comforter

appeared from beneath the comforter hold my hand will you all right but

hold my hand will you all right but that's it

that's it no kissing the quilt shook with his

no kissing the quilt shook with his laughter

laughter where have you been i walked to

where have you been i walked to montevallo

montevallo 40 miles 42

40 miles 42 he corrected me well 42 there 42 back

he corrected me well 42 there 42 back 82 miles no 84 yes 84 miles

82 miles no 84 yes 84 miles in 45 hours what the hell's in

in 45 hours what the hell's in montevallo

montevallo i asked not much i just walked till i

i asked not much i just walked till i got too cold

got too cold and then i turned around you didn't

and then i turned around you didn't sleep

sleep no the dreams are terrible in my dreams

no the dreams are terrible in my dreams she doesn't even look like herself

she doesn't even look like herself anymore i don't even remember what she

anymore i don't even remember what she looked like

looked like i let go of his hand grabbed last year's

i let go of his hand grabbed last year's yearbook

yearbook and found her picture in the black and

and found her picture in the black and white photograph

white photograph she's wearing her orange tank top and

she's wearing her orange tank top and cut off jeans that stretch halfway down

cut off jeans that stretch halfway down her skinny thighs

her skinny thighs her mouth open wide in a frozen laugh as

her mouth open wide in a frozen laugh as her left arm holds takumi in a headlock

her left arm holds takumi in a headlock her hair falls over her face just enough

her hair falls over her face just enough to obscure her cheeks

to obscure her cheeks right the colonel said yeah

right the colonel said yeah i was so tired of her getting upset for

i was so tired of her getting upset for no reason

no reason the way she would get sulky and make

the way she would get sulky and make references to the freaking oppressive

references to the freaking oppressive weight of

weight of tragedy or whatever but then never said

tragedy or whatever but then never said what was wrong

what was wrong never have any goddamn reason to be sad

never have any goddamn reason to be sad and i just think you ought to have a

and i just think you ought to have a reason

reason my girlfriend dumped me so i'm sad i got

my girlfriend dumped me so i'm sad i got caught smoking so i'm pissed off

caught smoking so i'm pissed off my head hurts so i'm cranky she never

my head hurts so i'm cranky she never had a reason

had a reason pudge i was just so tired of putting up

pudge i was just so tired of putting up with her drama

with her drama and i just let her go

and i just let her go christ her moodiness had annoyed me too

christ her moodiness had annoyed me too sometimes

sometimes but not that night that night i let her

but not that night that night i let her go

go because she told me to it was that

because she told me to it was that simple for me

simple for me and that's stupid the colonel's hand was

and that's stupid the colonel's hand was so

so little and i grabbed it tight his cold

little and i grabbed it tight his cold seeping into me and my warmth into him

seeping into me and my warmth into him i memorized the populations he said

i memorized the populations he said uzbekistan twenty four million

uzbekistan twenty four million seven hundred fifty five thousand five

seven hundred fifty five thousand five hundred nineteen

hundred nineteen cameroon i said but it was too late

cameroon i said but it was too late he was asleep his hand limp and mine

he was asleep his hand limp and mine i placed it back under the quilt and

i placed it back under the quilt and climbed up into his bed

climbed up into his bed a top bunk man for this night at least

a top bunk man for this night at least i fell asleep listening to his slow even

i fell asleep listening to his slow even breaths

breaths his stubbornness finally melting away in

his stubbornness finally melting away in the face of

the face of insurmountable fatigue

six days after that sunday i got up after three hours of sleep and

i got up after three hours of sleep and showered for the first time in a long

showered for the first time in a long while

while i put on my only suit i almost hadn't

i put on my only suit i almost hadn't brought

brought it but my mom insisted that you never

it but my mom insisted that you never know when you're gonna need a suit

know when you're gonna need a suit and sure enough the colonel did not own

and sure enough the colonel did not own a suit

a suit and by virtue of his stature could not

and by virtue of his stature could not borrow one from anyone at the creek

borrow one from anyone at the creek so he wore black slacks and a grey

so he wore black slacks and a grey button down

button down i don't suppose i can wear the flamingo

i don't suppose i can wear the flamingo tie he said as he pulled on black socks

tie he said as he pulled on black socks it's a bit festive given the occasion i

it's a bit festive given the occasion i responded

responded can't wear it to the opera said the

can't wear it to the opera said the colonel almost smiling

colonel almost smiling can't wear it to a funeral can't use it

can't wear it to a funeral can't use it to hang myself it's a bit useless as

to hang myself it's a bit useless as ties go

ties go i gave him a tie the school had

i gave him a tie the school had chartered buses to ferry students north

chartered buses to ferry students north to alaska's hometown of vine station

to alaska's hometown of vine station but lara the colonel takumi and i drove

but lara the colonel takumi and i drove into kumi's suv

into kumi's suv taking the back roads so we didn't have

taking the back roads so we didn't have to drive past the spot on the highway

to drive past the spot on the highway i stared out the window watching as the

i stared out the window watching as the suburban sprawl surrounding birmingham

suburban sprawl surrounding birmingham faded into the slow sloping hills and

faded into the slow sloping hills and fields of northern alabama

fields of northern alabama up front takumi told lara about the time

up front takumi told lara about the time alaska got her boob honked over the

alaska got her boob honked over the summer

summer and lara laughed that was the first time

and lara laughed that was the first time i had seen her

i had seen her and now we were coming to the last more

and now we were coming to the last more than anything

than anything i felt the unfairness of it the

i felt the unfairness of it the inarguable

inarguable injustice of loving someone who might

injustice of loving someone who might have loved you back but can't

have loved you back but can't due to deadness and then i leaned

due to deadness and then i leaned forward

forward my forehead against the back of takumi's

my forehead against the back of takumi's headrest and i cried

headrest and i cried whimpering and i didn't even feel

whimpering and i didn't even feel sadness so much as

sadness so much as pain it hurt and that is not a euphemism

pain it hurt and that is not a euphemism it hurt like a beating

merryweather lewis's last words were i am not

am not a coward but i am so strong

a coward but i am so strong so hard to die i don't doubt that it is

so hard to die i don't doubt that it is but it cannot be much harder than being

but it cannot be much harder than being left behind

left behind i thought of lewis as i followed laura

i thought of lewis as i followed laura into the a-frame chapel attached to the

into the a-frame chapel attached to the single-story funeral home in vine

single-story funeral home in vine station alabama

station alabama a town every bit as depressed and

a town every bit as depressed and depressing as alaska had always made it

depressing as alaska had always made it out to be

out to be the place smelled of mildew and

the place smelled of mildew and disinfectant and the yellow wallpaper in

disinfectant and the yellow wallpaper in the foyer was peeling at the corners

the foyer was peeling at the corners are y'all here from ms young a guy asked

are y'all here from ms young a guy asked the colonel

the colonel and the colonel nodded we were led to a

and the colonel nodded we were led to a large room with rows of folding chairs

large room with rows of folding chairs populated by only one man

populated by only one man he knelt before a coffin at the front of

he knelt before a coffin at the front of the chapel the coffin was closed

the chapel the coffin was closed closed never going to see her

closed never going to see her again can't kiss her forehead

again can't kiss her forehead can't see her one last time

can't see her one last time but i needed to i needed to see her and

but i needed to i needed to see her and much too loud i asked why is it closed

much too loud i asked why is it closed and the man whose pot belly pushed out

and the man whose pot belly pushed out from his too tight suit turned around

from his too tight suit turned around and walked toward me her mother

and walked toward me her mother he said her mother had an open casket

he said her mother had an open casket and alaska told me

and alaska told me don't ever let them see me dead daddy

don't ever let them see me dead daddy and so that's that anyway son

and so that's that anyway son she's not in there she's with the lord

she's not in there she's with the lord and he put his hands on my shoulders

and he put his hands on my shoulders this man who had grown fat since he'd

this man who had grown fat since he'd last had to wear a suit

last had to wear a suit and i couldn't believe what i had done

and i couldn't believe what i had done to him

to him his eyes glittering green like alaska's

his eyes glittering green like alaska's but sunk

but sunk deep into dark sockets like a green eyed

deep into dark sockets like a green eyed still breathing ghost

still breathing ghost and don't no don't don't die alaska

and don't no don't don't die alaska don't die and i walked out of his

don't die and i walked out of his embrace and passed laura and takumi to

embrace and passed laura and takumi to her casket

her casket and knelt before it and placed my hands

and knelt before it and placed my hands on the finished wood

on the finished wood the dark mahogany the color of her hair

the dark mahogany the color of her hair i felt the colonel's small hands on my

i felt the colonel's small hands on my shoulders and a tear dripped onto my

shoulders and a tear dripped onto my head

head and for a few moments it was just the

and for a few moments it was just the three of us the buses of students hadn't

three of us the buses of students hadn't arrived

arrived and takumi and laura had faded away and

and takumi and laura had faded away and it was

it was just the three of us three bodies and

just the three of us three bodies and two people

two people the three who knew what had happened and

the three who knew what had happened and too

too many layers between all of us too much

many layers between all of us too much keeping us from one another

keeping us from one another the colonel said i just want to save her

the colonel said i just want to save her so bad

so bad and i said chip she's gone

and i said chip she's gone and he said i thought i'd feel her

and he said i thought i'd feel her looking down on us but

looking down on us but you're right she's just gone

you're right she's just gone and i said oh god alaska i love you

and i said oh god alaska i love you i love you and the colonel whispered

i love you and the colonel whispered i'm so sorry pudge i know you did

i'm so sorry pudge i know you did and i said no not past tense

and i said no not past tense she wasn't even a person anymore just

she wasn't even a person anymore just flesh rotting

flesh rotting but i loved her present tense the

but i loved her present tense the colonel knelt down beside me

colonel knelt down beside me and put his lips to the coffin and

and put his lips to the coffin and whispered i am

whispered i am sorry alaska you deserved a better

sorry alaska you deserved a better friend

friend is it so hard to die mr lewis is that

is it so hard to die mr lewis is that labyrinth really worse than this one

seven days after i spent the next day in our room

our room playing football on mute at once unable

playing football on mute at once unable to do nothing and

to do nothing and unable to do anything much it was martin

unable to do anything much it was martin luther king day

luther king day our last day before classes started

our last day before classes started again and i could think of

again and i could think of nothing but having killed her the

nothing but having killed her the colonel spent the morning with me

colonel spent the morning with me but then decided to go to the cafeteria

but then decided to go to the cafeteria for meatloaf

for meatloaf let's go he said not hungry

let's go he said not hungry you have to eat wanna bet i said without

you have to eat wanna bet i said without looking up from the game

looking up from the game christ fine he sighed and left

christ fine he sighed and left slamming the door behind him he's still

slamming the door behind him he's still very angry i found myself thinking with

very angry i found myself thinking with a bit of pity

a bit of pity no reason to be angry anger just

no reason to be angry anger just distracts from the all-encompassing

distracts from the all-encompassing sadness

sadness the frank knowledge that you killed her

the frank knowledge that you killed her and robbed her of a future and a life

and robbed her of a future and a life getting pissed wouldn't fix it damn it

getting pissed wouldn't fix it damn it how's the meatloaf i asked the colonel

how's the meatloaf i asked the colonel when he returned

when he returned about as you remember it neither meaty

about as you remember it neither meaty nor loafy

nor loafy the colonel sat down next to me the

the colonel sat down next to me the eagle ate with me

eagle ate with me he wanted to know if we set off the

he wanted to know if we set off the fireworks

fireworks i paused the game and turned to him with

i paused the game and turned to him with one hand he picked at one of the last

one hand he picked at one of the last remaining pieces of blue vinyl on our

remaining pieces of blue vinyl on our foam couch

foam couch and you said i asked i didn't

and you said i asked i didn't rat anyway he said her aunt or something

rat anyway he said her aunt or something is coming tomorrow to clean out her room

is coming tomorrow to clean out her room so if there's anything that's ours or

so if there's anything that's ours or anything her aunt wouldn't want to find

anything her aunt wouldn't want to find i turned back to the game and said i'm

i turned back to the game and said i'm not up for it today

not up for it today then i'll do it alone he answered he

then i'll do it alone he answered he turned and walked outside

turned and walked outside leaving the door open and the bitter

leaving the door open and the bitter remnants of the cold snap

remnants of the cold snap quickly overwhelmed the radiator so i

quickly overwhelmed the radiator so i paused the game and stood up to close

paused the game and stood up to close the door

the door and when i peeked around the corner to

and when i peeked around the corner to see if the colonel had entered her room

see if the colonel had entered her room he was standing there

he was standing there just outside our door and he grabbed

just outside our door and he grabbed onto my sweatshirt smiled and said

onto my sweatshirt smiled and said i knew you wouldn't make me do that

i knew you wouldn't make me do that alone i knew it

alone i knew it i shook my head and rolled my eyes but

i shook my head and rolled my eyes but followed him down the sidewalk

followed him down the sidewalk past the pay phone and into her room

past the pay phone and into her room i hadn't thought of her smell since she

i hadn't thought of her smell since she died

died but when the colonel opened the door i

but when the colonel opened the door i caught the edge of her scent

caught the edge of her scent wet dirt and grass and cigarette smoke

wet dirt and grass and cigarette smoke and beneath that

and beneath that the vestiges of vanilla scented skin

the vestiges of vanilla scented skin lotion

lotion she flooded into my present and only

she flooded into my present and only tact kept me from burying my face in the

tact kept me from burying my face in the dirty laundry overfilling the hamper by

dirty laundry overfilling the hamper by her dresser

her dresser it looked as i remembered it hundreds of

it looked as i remembered it hundreds of books stacked against the walls

books stacked against the walls her lavender comforter crumpled at the

her lavender comforter crumpled at the foot of her bed a precarious stack of

foot of her bed a precarious stack of books on her bedside table

books on her bedside table her volcanic candle just peeking out

her volcanic candle just peeking out from beneath the bed

from beneath the bed it looked as i knew it would but the

it looked as i knew it would but the smell unmistakably her

smell unmistakably her shocked me i stood in the center of the

shocked me i stood in the center of the room my eyes shut

room my eyes shut inhaling slowly through my nose the

inhaling slowly through my nose the vanilla and the uncut autumn grass

vanilla and the uncut autumn grass but with each slow breath the smell

but with each slow breath the smell faded as i became accustomed to it

faded as i became accustomed to it and soon she was gone again

and soon she was gone again this is unbearable i said

this is unbearable i said matter-of-factly

matter-of-factly because it was god these books she'll

because it was god these books she'll never read

never read her life's library bought at garage

her life's library bought at garage sales and now probably destined for

sales and now probably destined for another one

another one ashes to ashes garage sale to garage

ashes to ashes garage sale to garage sale i said

sale i said right okay down to business get anything

right okay down to business get anything her aunt wouldn't want to find

her aunt wouldn't want to find the colonel said and i saw him kneeling

the colonel said and i saw him kneeling at her desk the drawer beneath

at her desk the drawer beneath her computer pulled open his small

her computer pulled open his small fingers pulling out groups of stapled

fingers pulling out groups of stapled papers

papers christ she kept every paper she ever

christ she kept every paper she ever wrote moby dick

wrote moby dick ethan from i reached between her

ethan from i reached between her mattress and box spring for the condoms

mattress and box spring for the condoms i knew she hid for jake's visits

i knew she hid for jake's visits i pocketed them and then went over to

i pocketed them and then went over to her dresser searching through her

her dresser searching through her underwear for hidden bottles of liquor

underwear for hidden bottles of liquor or sex toys or god knows what

or sex toys or god knows what i found nothing and then i settled on

i found nothing and then i settled on the books

the books staring at them stacked on their sides

staring at them stacked on their sides spines out

spines out the haphazard collection of literature

the haphazard collection of literature that was alaska

that was alaska there was one book i wanted to take with

there was one book i wanted to take with me but i couldn't find it

me but i couldn't find it the colonel was sitting on the floor

the colonel was sitting on the floor next to her bed his head bent toward the

next to her bed his head bent toward the floor looking under her bed frame

floor looking under her bed frame she sure didn't leave any booze did she

she sure didn't leave any booze did she he asked

he asked and i almost said she buried it in the

and i almost said she buried it in the woods out by the soccer field

woods out by the soccer field but i realized that the colonel didn't

but i realized that the colonel didn't know that she never took him to the edge

know that she never took him to the edge of the woods and told him to dig for

of the woods and told him to dig for buried treasure

buried treasure that she and i had shared that alone and

that she and i had shared that alone and i kept it for myself like a keepsake

i kept it for myself like a keepsake as if sharing the memory might lead to

as if sharing the memory might lead to its dissipation

its dissipation do you see the general in his labyrinth

do you see the general in his labyrinth anywhere i asked while scanning the

anywhere i asked while scanning the titles on the book spines

titles on the book spines it has a lot of green on the cover i

it has a lot of green on the cover i think it's a paperback and it got

think it's a paperback and it got flooded so the pages are probably

flooded so the pages are probably bloated but

bloated but i don't think she and then he cut me off

i don't think she and then he cut me off with yeah it's right here and i turned

with yeah it's right here and i turned around

around and he was holding it the pages fanned

and he was holding it the pages fanned out like an accordion

out like an accordion from longwell jeff and kevin's prank and

from longwell jeff and kevin's prank and i walked over to him and took it

i walked over to him and took it and sat down on her bed the places she'd

and sat down on her bed the places she'd underlined and the little notes she'd

underlined and the little notes she'd written

written had all been blurred out by the soaking

had all been blurred out by the soaking but the book was still mostly readable

but the book was still mostly readable and i was thinking i would take it back

and i was thinking i would take it back to my room and try to read it even

to my room and try to read it even though it wasn't a biography

though it wasn't a biography when i flipped to that page toward the

when i flipped to that page toward the back

back he was shaken by the overwhelming

he was shaken by the overwhelming revelation that the headlong race

revelation that the headlong race between his misfortunes and his dreams

between his misfortunes and his dreams was at that moment

was at that moment reaching the finish line the rest was

reaching the finish line the rest was darkness

darkness damn it he sighed how will i ever get

damn it he sighed how will i ever get out of this labyrinth the whole passage

out of this labyrinth the whole passage was underlined in bleeding water soaked

was underlined in bleeding water soaked black ink

black ink but there was another ink this one a

but there was another ink this one a crisp blue post flood

crisp blue post flood and an arrow led from how will i ever

and an arrow led from how will i ever get out of this labyrinth

get out of this labyrinth to a margin note written in her loop

to a margin note written in her loop heavy cursive

heavy cursive straight and fast hey

straight and fast hey she wrote something in here after the

she wrote something in here after the flood i said

flood i said but it's weird look page 192

but it's weird look page 192 i tossed the book to the colonel and he

i tossed the book to the colonel and he flipped to the page and then looked up

flipped to the page and then looked up at me

at me straight and fast he said

straight and fast he said yeah weird huh the way out of the

yeah weird huh the way out of the labyrinth i guess

labyrinth i guess wait how did it happen what happened

wait how did it happen what happened and because there was only one it i knew

and because there was only one it i knew to what he was referring

to what he was referring i told you what the eagle told me a

i told you what the eagle told me a truck jackknifed on the road a cop car

truck jackknifed on the road a cop car showed up to stop traffic and she ran

showed up to stop traffic and she ran into the cop car

into the cop car she was so drunk she didn't even swerve

she was so drunk she didn't even swerve so

so drunk so drunk the cop car would have

drunk so drunk the cop car would have had its lights on

had its lights on pudge she ran into a cop car that had

pudge she ran into a cop car that had its lights on

its lights on he said hurriedly straight and fast

he said hurriedly straight and fast straight and fast out of the labyrinth

straight and fast out of the labyrinth no i said but even as i said it i could

no i said but even as i said it i could see it

see it i could see her drunk enough and pissed

i could see her drunk enough and pissed off enough

off enough about what about cheating on jake about

about what about cheating on jake about hurting me

hurting me about wanting me and not him still

about wanting me and not him still pissed about ratting out mariah

pissed about ratting out mariah i could see her staring down the cop car

i could see her staring down the cop car and aiming for it not giving a

and aiming for it not giving a about anyone else

about anyone else not thinking of her promise to me not

not thinking of her promise to me not thinking of her father or

thinking of her father or anyone and that that

anyone and that that she killed herself but no

she killed herself but no no that was not her no she

no that was not her no she said to be continued of course

said to be continued of course no yeah you're probably right

no yeah you're probably right the colonel said he dropped the book sat

the colonel said he dropped the book sat down on the bed next to me

down on the bed next to me and put his forehead in his hands who

and put his forehead in his hands who drives

drives six miles off campus to kill herself

six miles off campus to kill herself doesn't make any sense

doesn't make any sense but straight and fast bit of an odd

but straight and fast bit of an odd premonition isn't it

premonition isn't it and we still don't really know what

and we still don't really know what happened if you think about it

happened if you think about it where she was going why who called

where she was going why who called someone

someone called right or did i make and the

called right or did i make and the colonel kept talking

colonel kept talking puzzling it out while i picked up the

puzzling it out while i picked up the book and found my way to that page where

book and found my way to that page where the general's headlong race came to its

the general's headlong race came to its end

end and we were both stuck in our heads the

and we were both stuck in our heads the distance between us

distance between us unbridgeable and i could not listen to

unbridgeable and i could not listen to the colonel because i was busy trying to

the colonel because i was busy trying to get the last hints of her smell

get the last hints of her smell busy telling myself that of course she

busy telling myself that of course she hadn't done it

hadn't done it it was me i had done it and so had the

it was me i had done it and so had the colonel

colonel he could try to puzzle his way out of it

he could try to puzzle his way out of it but i knew better

but i knew better knew that we could never be anything but

knew that we could never be anything but holy unforgivably

holy unforgivably guilty

eight days after tuesday we had school for the first time madame

we had school for the first time madame o'malley

o'malley had a moment of silence at the beginning

had a moment of silence at the beginning of french class a class that was always

of french class a class that was always punctuated with long moments of silence

punctuated with long moments of silence and then asked us how we were feeling

and then asked us how we were feeling awful

awful a girl said oh francais madam o'malley

a girl said oh francais madam o'malley replied on francais

replied on francais everything looked the same but more

everything looked the same but more still

still the weekday warriors still sat on the

the weekday warriors still sat on the benches outside the library but their

benches outside the library but their gossip was quiet

gossip was quiet understated the cafeteria clamored with

understated the cafeteria clamored with the sounds of plastic trays against

the sounds of plastic trays against wooden tables

wooden tables and forks scraping plates but any

and forks scraping plates but any conversations were muted

conversations were muted but more than the noiselessness of

but more than the noiselessness of everyone else was the silence where she

everyone else was the silence where she should have been

should have been the bubbling bursting storytelling

the bubbling bursting storytelling alaska

alaska but instead it felt like those times

but instead it felt like those times when she had withdrawn into herself

when she had withdrawn into herself like she was refusing to answer how or

like she was refusing to answer how or why questions

why questions only this time for good

only this time for good the colonel sat down next to me in

the colonel sat down next to me in religion class sighed and said

religion class sighed and said you reek of smoke pudge ask me if i give

you reek of smoke pudge ask me if i give a

a dr hyde shuffled into class then our

dr hyde shuffled into class then our final exams stacked underneath one arm

final exams stacked underneath one arm he sat down took a series of labored

he sat down took a series of labored breaths and began to talk

breaths and began to talk it is a law that parents should not have

it is a law that parents should not have to bury their

to bury their children he said and someone should

children he said and someone should enforce it

enforce it this semester we're going to continue

this semester we're going to continue studying the religious traditions to

studying the religious traditions to which you were introduced

which you were introduced this fall but there's no doubting

this fall but there's no doubting that the questions we'll be asking have

that the questions we'll be asking have more immediacy now than they did just a

more immediacy now than they did just a few days ago

few days ago what happens to us after we die for

what happens to us after we die for instance

instance is no longer a question of idle

is no longer a question of idle philosophical interest

philosophical interest which is a question we must ask about

which is a question we must ask about our classmates

our classmates and how to live in the shadow of grief

and how to live in the shadow of grief is not something nameless buddhists

is not something nameless buddhists christians and muslims have to explore

christians and muslims have to explore the questions of religious thought have

the questions of religious thought have become

become i suspect personal

i suspect personal he shuffled through our exams pulling

he shuffled through our exams pulling one out from the pile before him

one out from the pile before him i have here alaska's final

i have here alaska's final you'll recall that you were asked what

you'll recall that you were asked what the most important

the most important question facing people is and

question facing people is and how the three traditions we're studying

how the three traditions we're studying this year

this year address that question this was

address that question this was alaska's question with a sigh

alaska's question with a sigh he grabbed hold of his chair and lifted

he grabbed hold of his chair and lifted himself out of it

himself out of it then wrote on the blackboard how will we

then wrote on the blackboard how will we ever get

ever get out of this labyrinth of suffering a y

out of this labyrinth of suffering a y i'm going to leave that up for the rest

i'm going to leave that up for the rest of the semester

of the semester he said because everybody who has ever

he said because everybody who has ever lost their way

lost their way in life has felt the nagging insistence

in life has felt the nagging insistence of that question

of that question at some point we all look up and realize

at some point we all look up and realize we are lost in a maze

we are lost in a maze and i don't want us to forget alaska

and i don't want us to forget alaska and i don't want to forget that even

and i don't want to forget that even when the material we

when the material we study seems boring we're trying to

study seems boring we're trying to understand how

understand how people have answered that question

people have answered that question and the questions each of you posed in

and the questions each of you posed in your papers

your papers how different traditions have come to

how different traditions have come to terms with what

terms with what chip in his final called people's

chip in his final called people's rotten lots in life

rotten lots in life hyde sat down so

hyde sat down so how are you guys doing

how are you guys doing the colonel and i said nothing while a

the colonel and i said nothing while a bunch of people who didn't know alaska

bunch of people who didn't know alaska extolled her virtues and professed to be

extolled her virtues and professed to be devastated

devastated and at first it bothered me i didn't

and at first it bothered me i didn't want the people she didn't know and the

want the people she didn't know and the people she didn't like

people she didn't like to be sad they'd never cared about her

to be sad they'd never cared about her and now they were carrying on as if she

and now they were carrying on as if she were a sister

were a sister but i guess i didn't know her completely

but i guess i didn't know her completely either

either if i had i'd have known what she meant

if i had i'd have known what she meant by

by to be continued and if i had cared about

to be continued and if i had cared about her as i should have as i thought i did

her as i should have as i thought i did how could i have let her go so they

how could i have let her go so they didn't bother me really

didn't bother me really but next to me the colonel breathed

but next to me the colonel breathed slowly and deeply through his nose like

slowly and deeply through his nose like a bull about to charge

a bull about to charge he actually rolled his eyes when weekday

he actually rolled his eyes when weekday warrior brooke blakely

warrior brooke blakely whose parents had received a progress

whose parents had received a progress report courtesy of alaska said

report courtesy of alaska said i'm just sad i never told her i loved

i'm just sad i never told her i loved her

her i just don't understand why

i just don't understand why that's such the colonel said as

that's such the colonel said as we walk to lunch

we walk to lunch as if brooke blakely gives two shits

as if brooke blakely gives two shits about alaska

about alaska if brooke blakely died wouldn't you be

if brooke blakely died wouldn't you be sad i asked

sad i asked i guess but i wouldn't bemoan the fact

i guess but i wouldn't bemoan the fact that i never told her i loved her i

that i never told her i loved her i don't love her she's an idiot

don't love her she's an idiot i thought everyone else had a better

i thought everyone else had a better excuse to grieve than we did

excuse to grieve than we did after all they hadn't killed her but i

after all they hadn't killed her but i knew better than to try to talk to the

knew better than to try to talk to the colonel when he was mad

colonel when he was mad nine days after i've got a

nine days after i've got a theory the colonel said as i walked in

theory the colonel said as i walked in the door after a miserable day of

the door after a miserable day of classes

classes the cold had begun to let up but word

the cold had begun to let up but word had not spread to whoever ran the

had not spread to whoever ran the furnaces

furnaces so the classrooms were all stuffy and

so the classrooms were all stuffy and overheated and i just wanted to crawl

overheated and i just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep until the time came

into bed and sleep until the time came to do it all over again

to do it all over again missed you in class today i noted as i

missed you in class today i noted as i sat down on my bed

sat down on my bed the colonel sat at his desk hunched over

the colonel sat at his desk hunched over a notebook

a notebook i laid down on my back and pulled the

i laid down on my back and pulled the covers up over my head

covers up over my head but the colonel was undiscouraged right

but the colonel was undiscouraged right well

well i was busy coming up with the theory

i was busy coming up with the theory which isn't terribly likely admittedly

which isn't terribly likely admittedly but it's plausible so listen

but it's plausible so listen she kisses you that night someone calls

she kisses you that night someone calls jake i imagine they have a fight about

jake i imagine they have a fight about cheating

cheating or about something else who knows so

or about something else who knows so she's upset

she's upset and she wants to go see him she comes

and she wants to go see him she comes back to the room crying

back to the room crying and she tells us to help her get off

and she tells us to help her get off campus and she's freaked out

campus and she's freaked out because i don't know let's say because

because i don't know let's say because if she can't go

if she can't go visit him jake will break up with her

visit him jake will break up with her that's just a hypothetical reason

that's just a hypothetical reason so she gets off campus drunk and all

so she gets off campus drunk and all pissed off and she's furious at herself

pissed off and she's furious at herself over

over whatever it is and she's driving along

whatever it is and she's driving along and she sees the cop car

and she sees the cop car and then in a flash everything comes

and then in a flash everything comes together

together and the end to her labyrinthine mystery

and the end to her labyrinthine mystery is staring her right in the face

is staring her right in the face and she just does it straight and fast

and she just does it straight and fast just aims at the cop car and never

just aims at the cop car and never swerves

swerves not because she's drunk but because she

not because she's drunk but because she killed herself

killed herself that's ridiculous she wasn't thinking

that's ridiculous she wasn't thinking about jake

about jake or fighting with jake she was making out

or fighting with jake she was making out with me

with me i tried to bring up the whole jake thing

i tried to bring up the whole jake thing but she just shushed me

but she just shushed me so who called her i kicked off my

so who called her i kicked off my comforter and

comforter and my fist bald smashed my hand against the

my fist bald smashed my hand against the wall with each syllable as i said

wall with each syllable as i said i don't know and you know what it

i don't know and you know what it doesn't matter she's dead

doesn't matter she's dead is the brilliant colonel going to figure

is the brilliant colonel going to figure out something that's going to make her

out something that's going to make her less

less freaking dead but it did matter of

freaking dead but it did matter of course

course which is why i kept pounding at our

which is why i kept pounding at our cinderblock walls and why the questions

cinderblock walls and why the questions had floated beneath the surface for a

had floated beneath the surface for a week

week who'd called what was wrong why did she

who'd called what was wrong why did she leave

leave jake had not gone to her funeral nor had

jake had not gone to her funeral nor had he called us to say he was sorry or to

he called us to say he was sorry or to ask us what happened

ask us what happened he had just disappeared and of course i

he had just disappeared and of course i had wondered

had wondered i had wondered if she had any intention

i had wondered if she had any intention of keeping her promise that we would be

of keeping her promise that we would be continued i had wondered who called and

continued i had wondered who called and why

why and what made her so upset but i'd

and what made her so upset but i'd rather wonder

rather wonder than get answers i couldn't live with

maybe she was driving there to break up with jake then the colonel said

with jake then the colonel said his voice suddenly edgeless he sat down

his voice suddenly edgeless he sat down on the corner of my bed

on the corner of my bed i don't know i don't really want to know

i don't know i don't really want to know yeah well he said i want to know

yeah well he said i want to know because if she knew what she was doing

because if she knew what she was doing pudge she made

pudge she made us accomplices and i hate her for that

us accomplices and i hate her for that i mean god look at us we can't even talk

i mean god look at us we can't even talk to anyone anymore

to anyone anymore so listen i wrote out a game plan one

so listen i wrote out a game plan one talk to eyewitnesses

talk to eyewitnesses 2. figure out how drunk she was

2. figure out how drunk she was 3. figure out where she was going and

3. figure out where she was going and why

why i don't want to talk to jake i said

i don't want to talk to jake i said half-heartedly already resigned to the

half-heartedly already resigned to the colonel's incessant planning

colonel's incessant planning if he knows i definitely don't want to

if he knows i definitely don't want to talk to him and if he doesn't

talk to him and if he doesn't i don't want to pretend like it didn't

i don't want to pretend like it didn't happen the colonel

happen the colonel stood up inside you know what pudge

stood up inside you know what pudge i feel bad for you i do i know you

i feel bad for you i do i know you kissed her and i know you're broken up

kissed her and i know you're broken up about it

about it but honestly shut up if jake knows

but honestly shut up if jake knows you're not gonna make it any worse and

you're not gonna make it any worse and if he doesn't he won't find out

if he doesn't he won't find out so just stop worrying about your goddamn

so just stop worrying about your goddamn self for one minute and think about your

self for one minute and think about your dead friend

dead friend sorry long day it's fine

sorry long day it's fine i said pulling the covers back over my

i said pulling the covers back over my head

head it's fine i repeated and

it's fine i repeated and whatever it was fine it had to be

whatever it was fine it had to be i couldn't afford to lose the colonel

because our main source of vehicular transportation was interred in vine

transportation was interred in vine station alabama

station alabama the colonel and i were forced to walk to

the colonel and i were forced to walk to the pelham police department to search

the pelham police department to search for eyewitnesses

for eyewitnesses we left after eating dinner in the

we left after eating dinner in the cafeteria the night falling fast and

cafeteria the night falling fast and early and trudged up highway 119 for a

early and trudged up highway 119 for a mile and a half

mile and a half before coming to a single story stucco

before coming to a single story stucco building situated between a waffle house

building situated between a waffle house and a gas station

and a gas station inside a long desk that rose to the

inside a long desk that rose to the colonel's solar plexus separated us from

colonel's solar plexus separated us from the police station proper

the police station proper which seemed to consist of three

which seemed to consist of three uniformed officers sitting at three

uniformed officers sitting at three desks

desks all of them talking on the phone i'm

all of them talking on the phone i'm alaska young's brother

alaska young's brother the colonel announced brazenly and i

the colonel announced brazenly and i want to talk to the cop who saw her die

want to talk to the cop who saw her die a pale thin man with a reddish blonde

a pale thin man with a reddish blonde beard spoke quickly into the phone

beard spoke quickly into the phone and then hung up i seen her

and then hung up i seen her he said she hit my cruiser

he said she hit my cruiser can we talk to you outside the colonel

can we talk to you outside the colonel asked

asked yep the cop grabbed a coat and walked

yep the cop grabbed a coat and walked toward us

toward us and as he approached i could see the

and as he approached i could see the blue veins through the translucent skin

blue veins through the translucent skin of his face

of his face for a cop he didn't seem to get out much

for a cop he didn't seem to get out much once outside the colonel lit a cigarette

once outside the colonel lit a cigarette year 19 the cop asked in alabama you can

year 19 the cop asked in alabama you can get married at 18

get married at 18 14 with mom and dad's permission but you

14 with mom and dad's permission but you have to be 19 to smoke

have to be 19 to smoke so find me i just need to know what you

so find me i just need to know what you saw

saw i almost always work from six to

i almost always work from six to midnight but i was covering the

midnight but i was covering the graveyard shift

graveyard shift we got a call about a jackknifed truck

we got a call about a jackknifed truck and i was only about a mile away so i

and i was only about a mile away so i headed over and i

headed over and i just pulled up i was still in my cruiser

just pulled up i was still in my cruiser and i seen out the corner of my eye the

and i seen out the corner of my eye the headlights

headlights and my lights was on and i turned the

and my lights was on and i turned the siren on

siren on but the lights just kept coming straight

but the lights just kept coming straight at me son and i got out quick

at me son and i got out quick and run off and she just barreled into

and run off and she just barreled into me

me i seen plenty but i've never seen that

i seen plenty but i've never seen that she didn't turn

she didn't turn she didn't break she just hit it i won

she didn't break she just hit it i won more than 10 feet from the cruiser when

more than 10 feet from the cruiser when she hit it i thought i'd die

she hit it i thought i'd die but here i am for the first time

but here i am for the first time the colonel's theory seemed plausible

the colonel's theory seemed plausible she didn't hear the siren

she didn't hear the siren she didn't see the lights she was sober

she didn't see the lights she was sober enough to kiss well i thought

enough to kiss well i thought surely she was sober enough to swerve

surely she was sober enough to swerve did you see her face before she hit the

did you see her face before she hit the car was she asleep

car was she asleep the colonel asked that i can't tell you

the colonel asked that i can't tell you i didn't see her there wasn't much time

i didn't see her there wasn't much time i understand she was dead when you got

i understand she was dead when you got to the car

to the car he asked i i did everything i could

he asked i i did everything i could i run right up to her but the steering

i run right up to her but the steering wheel

wheel well i reached in there thought if i

well i reached in there thought if i could get the steering wheel loose

could get the steering wheel loose but there wasn't no getting her out of

but there wasn't no getting her out of that car alive

that car alive it fairly well crushed her chest see

it fairly well crushed her chest see i winced at the image did she say

i winced at the image did she say anything

anything i asked she was passed on

i asked she was passed on son he said shaking his head and my last

son he said shaking his head and my last hope of last words

hope of last words faded do you think it was an accident

faded do you think it was an accident the colonel asked as i stood beside him

the colonel asked as i stood beside him my shoulders slouching

my shoulders slouching wanting a cigarette but nervous to be as

wanting a cigarette but nervous to be as audacious as him

audacious as him i've been an officer here 26 years and

i've been an officer here 26 years and i've seen more drunks than you can count

i've seen more drunks than you can count and i

and i never seen someone so drunk they can't

never seen someone so drunk they can't swerve

swerve but i don't know the coroner said it was

but i don't know the coroner said it was an accident and maybe it was

an accident and maybe it was that ain't my field you know i suppose

that ain't my field you know i suppose that's between her and the lord now

that's between her and the lord now how drunk was she i asked like did they

how drunk was she i asked like did they test her

test her yeah her bal was .24 that's drunk

yeah her bal was .24 that's drunk certainly that's a powerful drunk

certainly that's a powerful drunk was there anything in the car the

was there anything in the car the colonel asked

colonel asked anything like unusual that you remember

anything like unusual that you remember i remember them brochures from colleges

i remember them brochures from colleges places in maine and ohio and texas

places in maine and ohio and texas and i thought to myself that girl must

and i thought to myself that girl must be from culver creek

be from culver creek and that was mighty sad see a girl like

and that was mighty sad see a girl like that looking to go to college

that looking to go to college that's a goddamn shame and these flowers

that's a goddamn shame and these flowers they was flowers in her backseat like

they was flowers in her backseat like from a florist

from a florist tulips tulips i thought immediately of

tulips tulips i thought immediately of the tulips jake had sent her

the tulips jake had sent her were they white i asked they sure was

were they white i asked they sure was the cop answered why would she have

the cop answered why would she have taken his tulips with her

taken his tulips with her but the cop wouldn't have an answer for

but the cop wouldn't have an answer for that one

that one i hope y'all find out whatever y'all's

i hope y'all find out whatever y'all's looking for

looking for i have thought it over some because i

i have thought it over some because i never seen nothing like that before

never seen nothing like that before i've thought hard on it wondered if i'd

i've thought hard on it wondered if i'd have started up the cruiser real quick

have started up the cruiser real quick and drove it off if she'd been alright

and drove it off if she'd been alright there might have been time no knowing

there might have been time no knowing now

now but it don't matter to my mind whether

but it don't matter to my mind whether it were an accident or it weren't it's a

it were an accident or it weren't it's a god damn

god damn shame either way there was nothing you

shame either way there was nothing you could have done

could have done the colonel said softly you did your job

the colonel said softly you did your job and we appreciate it well thanks

and we appreciate it well thanks y'all go long now and take care let me

y'all go long now and take care let me know if you have any other questions

know if you have any other questions this is my card if you need anything

this is my card if you need anything the colonel put the card in his fake

the colonel put the card in his fake leather wallet and we walked towards

leather wallet and we walked towards home

home white tulips i said jake's tulips why

white tulips i said jake's tulips why one time last year she and takumi and i

one time last year she and takumi and i were at the smoking hole

were at the smoking hole and there was this little white daisy on

and there was this little white daisy on the bank of the creek and all of a

the bank of the creek and all of a sudden she just

sudden she just jumped waist deep into the water and

jumped waist deep into the water and waded across and grabbed it

waded across and grabbed it she put it behind her ear and when i

she put it behind her ear and when i asked her about it

asked her about it she told me that her parents always put

she told me that her parents always put white flowers in her hair when she was

white flowers in her hair when she was little

little maybe she wanted to die with white

maybe she wanted to die with white flowers

flowers maybe she was going to return them to

maybe she was going to return them to jake i said

jake i said maybe but that cup just sure

maybe but that cup just sure convinced me that it might have been a

convinced me that it might have been a suicide

suicide maybe we should just let her be dead i

maybe we should just let her be dead i said frustrated

said frustrated it seemed to me that nothing we might

it seemed to me that nothing we might find out would make anything any better

find out would make anything any better and i could not get the image of the

and i could not get the image of the steering wheel careening into her chest

steering wheel careening into her chest out of my mind

out of my mind her chest fairly well crushed while she

her chest fairly well crushed while she sucked for a last

sucked for a last breath that would never come and no this

breath that would never come and no this was not making anything better

was not making anything better what if she did do it i asked the

what if she did do it i asked the colonel we're not any less guilty

colonel we're not any less guilty all it does is make her into this awful

all it does is make her into this awful selfish

selfish christ pudge do you even remember the

christ pudge do you even remember the person she actually was

person she actually was do you remember how she could be a

do you remember how she could be a selfish

selfish that was part of her and you used to

that was part of her and you used to know it it's like now you only care

know it it's like now you only care about the alaska you made up

about the alaska you made up i sped up walking ahead of the colonel

i sped up walking ahead of the colonel silent

silent and he couldn't know because he wasn't

and he couldn't know because he wasn't the last person she kissed

the last person she kissed because he hadn't been left with an

because he hadn't been left with an unkeepable promise

unkeepable promise because he wasn't me screw this

because he wasn't me screw this i thought and for the first time i

i thought and for the first time i imagined just going back home

imagined just going back home ditching the great perhaps for the old

ditching the great perhaps for the old comforts of school friends

comforts of school friends whatever their faults i'd never known my

whatever their faults i'd never known my school friends in florida to die

school friends in florida to die on me after a considerable distance

on me after a considerable distance the colonel jogged up to me and said i

the colonel jogged up to me and said i just want it to be normal again

just want it to be normal again you and me normal fun just normal

you and me normal fun just normal and i feel like if we knew okay fine i

and i feel like if we knew okay fine i cut him off

cut him off fine we'll keep looking the colonel

fine we'll keep looking the colonel shook his head

shook his head but then he smiled i have always

but then he smiled i have always appreciated your enthusiasm pudge

appreciated your enthusiasm pudge and i'm just going to go ahead and

and i'm just going to go ahead and pretend you still have it

pretend you still have it until it comes back now let's go home

until it comes back now let's go home and find out why people off themselves

warning signs of suicide the colonel and i found on the web

i found on the web previous suicide attempts verbally

previous suicide attempts verbally threatening suicide

threatening suicide giving away prized possessions

giving away prized possessions collecting and discussing methods of

collecting and discussing methods of suicide

suicide expressions of hopelessness and anger at

expressions of hopelessness and anger at oneself and or the world

oneself and or the world writing talking reading and drawing

writing talking reading and drawing about death and or depression

about death and or depression suggesting that the person would not be

suggesting that the person would not be missed if he she were

missed if he she were gone self-injury

gone self-injury recent loss of a friend or family member

recent loss of a friend or family member through death or suicide

through death or suicide sudden and dramatic decline in academic

sudden and dramatic decline in academic performance

performance eating disorders sleeplessness excessive

eating disorders sleeplessness excessive sleeping chronic headaches

sleeping chronic headaches use or increased use of mind altering

use or increased use of mind altering substances

substances loss of interest in sex hobbies and

loss of interest in sex hobbies and other activities previously enjoyed

other activities previously enjoyed alaska displayed two of those warning

alaska displayed two of those warning signs

signs she had lost although not recently her

she had lost although not recently her mother and her drinking

mother and her drinking always pretty steady had definitely

always pretty steady had definitely increased in the last month of her life

increased in the last month of her life she did talk about dying but it always

she did talk about dying but it always seemed to be at least half kidding

seemed to be at least half kidding i make jokes about death all the time

i make jokes about death all the time the colonel said

the colonel said i made a joke last week about hanging

i made a joke last week about hanging myself with my tie

myself with my tie and i'm not going to off myself so that

and i'm not going to off myself so that doesn't count

doesn't count and she didn't give anything away and

and she didn't give anything away and she sure as hell didn't lose interest in

she sure as hell didn't lose interest in sex one would have to like sex an

sex one would have to like sex an awful lot to make out with your scrawny

awful lot to make out with your scrawny ass

ass funny i said i know god i'm a genius

funny i said i know god i'm a genius and her grades were good and i don't

and her grades were good and i don't recall her talking about killing herself

recall her talking about killing herself once with the cigarettes remember you

once with the cigarettes remember you smoked to enjoy it i smoked to die

smoked to enjoy it i smoked to die that was a joke but when prodded by the

that was a joke but when prodded by the colonel

colonel maybe to prove to him that i could

maybe to prove to him that i could remember alaska as she really was and

remember alaska as she really was and not just as i wanted her to be

not just as i wanted her to be i kept returning the conversation to

i kept returning the conversation to those times when she would be mean and

those times when she would be mean and moody

moody when she didn't feel like answering how

when she didn't feel like answering how when why who or what questions

when why who or what questions she could seem so angry i thought out

she could seem so angry i thought out loud

loud what and i can't the colonel retorted

what and i can't the colonel retorted i'm plenty angry pudge

i'm plenty angry pudge and you haven't been the picture of

and you haven't been the picture of placidity of late either and you aren't

placidity of late either and you aren't going to off yourself

going to off yourself wait are you no i said

wait are you no i said and maybe it was only because alaska

and maybe it was only because alaska couldn't hit the brakes and i couldn't

couldn't hit the brakes and i couldn't hit the accelerator

hit the accelerator maybe she just had an odd kind of

maybe she just had an odd kind of courage that i lacked

courage that i lacked but no good to know

but no good to know so yeah she was up and down from fire

so yeah she was up and down from fire and brimstone to smoke and ashes

and brimstone to smoke and ashes but partly this year at least it was the

but partly this year at least it was the whole mariah thing

whole mariah thing look pudge she obviously wasn't thinking

look pudge she obviously wasn't thinking about killing herself when she was

about killing herself when she was making out with you

making out with you after that she was asleep until the

after that she was asleep until the phone rang so

phone rang so she decided to kill herself at some

she decided to kill herself at some point between that ringing phone

point between that ringing phone and crashing or it was an accident

and crashing or it was an accident but why wait until you're six miles off

but why wait until you're six miles off campus to die

campus to die i asked he sighed and shook his head

i asked he sighed and shook his head she did like being mysterious maybe she

she did like being mysterious maybe she wanted it like this

wanted it like this i laughed then and the colonel said what

i laughed then and the colonel said what i was just thinking why do you run

i was just thinking why do you run head-on into a cop car with

head-on into a cop car with its lights on and then i thought well

its lights on and then i thought well she hated authority figures

she hated authority figures the colonel laughed hey look at that

the colonel laughed hey look at that pudge made of funny it felt almost

pudge made of funny it felt almost normal and then my distance from the

normal and then my distance from the event itself seemed to

event itself seemed to evaporate and i found myself back in the

evaporate and i found myself back in the gym hearing the news for the first time

gym hearing the news for the first time the eagles tears dripping onto his pants

the eagles tears dripping onto his pants and i looked over at the colonel

and i looked over at the colonel and thought of all the hours we'd spent

and thought of all the hours we'd spent on this foam couch in the past two weeks

on this foam couch in the past two weeks everything she'd ruined too pissed off

everything she'd ruined too pissed off to cry i said

to cry i said this is only making me hate her i don't

this is only making me hate her i don't want to hate her

want to hate her and what's the point if that's all it's

and what's the point if that's all it's making me do

making me do still refusing to answer how and why

still refusing to answer how and why questions still

questions still insisting on an aura of mystery

insisting on an aura of mystery i leaned forward head between my knees

i leaned forward head between my knees and the colonel placed a hand on my

and the colonel placed a hand on my upper back

upper back the point is that there are always

the point is that there are always answers

answers pudge and then he pushed air out between

pudge and then he pushed air out between his pursed lips

his pursed lips and i could hear the angry quiver in his

and i could hear the angry quiver in his voice as he repeated

voice as he repeated there are always answers we just have to

there are always answers we just have to be smart enough

be smart enough the web says that suicides usually

the web says that suicides usually involve carefully thought out

involve carefully thought out plans so clearly she did not commit

plans so clearly she did not commit suicide

suicide i felt embarrassed to be still falling

i felt embarrassed to be still falling apart two weeks later

apart two weeks later when the colonel could take his medicine

when the colonel could take his medicine so stoically and i sat up

so stoically and i sat up okay fine i answered it wasn't suicide

okay fine i answered it wasn't suicide although it sure doesn't make sense as

although it sure doesn't make sense as an accident the colonel said

an accident the colonel said i laughed we sure are making progress

i laughed we sure are making progress we were interrupted by holly moser the

we were interrupted by holly moser the senior i knew

senior i knew primarily from viewing her nude self

primarily from viewing her nude self portraits over thanksgiving with alaska

portraits over thanksgiving with alaska holly hung with the weekday warriors

holly hung with the weekday warriors which explains why i'd previously said

which explains why i'd previously said about two words to her in my life

about two words to her in my life but she just came in without knocking

but she just came in without knocking and said she'd had a mystical indicator

and said she'd had a mystical indicator of alaska's presence

of alaska's presence i was in the waffle house and suddenly

i was in the waffle house and suddenly all the lights went off

all the lights went off except for like the light over my booth

except for like the light over my booth which started flashing

which started flashing it would be like on for a second and

it would be like on for a second and then off for a while and then

then off for a while and then on for a couple of seconds and then off

on for a couple of seconds and then off and i realized you know it was alaska

and i realized you know it was alaska i think she was trying to talk to me in

i think she was trying to talk to me in morse code but like i don't know morse

morse code but like i don't know morse code

code she probably didn't know that anyway

she probably didn't know that anyway i thought you guys should know thanks

i thought you guys should know thanks i said curtly and she stood for a while

i said curtly and she stood for a while looking at us

looking at us her mouth opening as if to speak but the

her mouth opening as if to speak but the colonel was staring at her through half

colonel was staring at her through half closed eyes

closed eyes his jaw jutting out and his distaste

his jaw jutting out and his distaste uncontained

uncontained i understood how he felt i didn't

i understood how he felt i didn't believe in ghosts who used morse code to

believe in ghosts who used morse code to communicate with people they'd never

communicate with people they'd never liked and i disliked the possibility

liked and i disliked the possibility that alaska would give someone else

that alaska would give someone else peace but not me god

peace but not me god people like that shouldn't be allowed to

people like that shouldn't be allowed to live he said after she left

live he said after she left it was pretty stupid it's not just

it was pretty stupid it's not just stupid pudge

stupid pudge i mean as if alaska would talk to holly

i mean as if alaska would talk to holly moser god i can't stand these fake

moser god i can't stand these fake grievers

grievers stupid i almost told him that

stupid i almost told him that alaska wouldn't want him to call

alaska wouldn't want him to call any woman a but there was no use

any woman a but there was no use fighting with the colonel

20 days after it was sunday and the colonel and i decided against

and the colonel and i decided against the cafeteria for dinner

the cafeteria for dinner instead walking off campus and across

instead walking off campus and across highway 119 to the sunny convenience

highway 119 to the sunny convenience kiosk

kiosk where we indulged in a well-balanced

where we indulged in a well-balanced meal of two oatmeal cream pies apiece

meal of two oatmeal cream pies apiece 700 calories enough energy to sustain a

700 calories enough energy to sustain a man for half a day

man for half a day we sat on the curb in front of the store

we sat on the curb in front of the store and i finished dinner in four bites

and i finished dinner in four bites gonna call jake tomorrow just so you

gonna call jake tomorrow just so you know i got his phone number from takumi

know i got his phone number from takumi fine i said i heard a bell jangle behind

fine i said i heard a bell jangle behind me

me and turned toward the opening door

and turned toward the opening door y'all's loitering

y'all's loitering said the woman who'd just sold us dinner

said the woman who'd just sold us dinner were

were eating the colonel answered the woman

eating the colonel answered the woman shook her head and ordered as if to a

shook her head and ordered as if to a dog

dog get so we walked behind the store and

get so we walked behind the store and sat by the stinking fetid dumpster

sat by the stinking fetid dumpster enough with the fines already pudge

enough with the fines already pudge that's ridiculous

that's ridiculous i'm going to call jake and i'm going to

i'm going to call jake and i'm going to write down everything he says

write down everything he says and then we're going to sit down

and then we're going to sit down together and try and figure out what

together and try and figure out what happened

happened no you're on your own with that i don't

no you're on your own with that i don't want to know what happened between her

want to know what happened between her and jake

and jake the colonel sighed and pulled a pack of

the colonel sighed and pulled a pack of pudge-fund cigarettes out of his jeans

pudge-fund cigarettes out of his jeans pocket

pocket why not because i don't want to do i

why not because i don't want to do i have to provide you with an in-depth

have to provide you with an in-depth analysis of every decision i make

analysis of every decision i make the colonel lit the cigarette with a

the colonel lit the cigarette with a lighter i'd paid for and took a drag

lighter i'd paid for and took a drag whatever it needs to be figured out and

whatever it needs to be figured out and i need your help to do it

i need your help to do it because between the two of us we knew

because between the two of us we knew her pretty well so that's that

her pretty well so that's that i stood up and stared down at him

i stood up and stared down at him sitting smugly

sitting smugly and he blew a thin stream of smoke at my

and he blew a thin stream of smoke at my face and i'd had

face and i'd had enough i'm tired of following orders

enough i'm tired of following orders

i'm not going to sit with you and discuss the finer points of her

discuss the finer points of her relationship with jake god

relationship with jake god damn it i can't say it any clearer i

damn it i can't say it any clearer i don't want to know about them

don't want to know about them i already know what she told me and

i already know what she told me and that's all i need to know

that's all i need to know and you can be a condescending prick as

and you can be a condescending prick as long as you'd like but i'm not going to

long as you'd like but i'm not going to sit around and chat with you about how

sit around and chat with you about how goddamn much she loved jake

goddamn much she loved jake now give me my cigarettes the colonel

now give me my cigarettes the colonel threw the pack on the ground and was

threw the pack on the ground and was up in a flash a fistful of my sweater in

up in a flash a fistful of my sweater in his hand

his hand trying but failing to pull me down to

trying but failing to pull me down to his height

his height you don't even care about her he shouted

you don't even care about her he shouted all that matters is you

all that matters is you and your precious fantasy that

and your precious fantasy that you and alaska had this goddamn secret

you and alaska had this goddamn secret love affair

love affair and she was gonna leave jake for you and

and she was gonna leave jake for you and you'd live happily ever after

you'd live happily ever after but she kissed a lot of guys pudge and

but she kissed a lot of guys pudge and if she were here

if she were here we both know that she would still be

we both know that she would still be jake's girlfriend

jake's girlfriend and that there'd be nothing but drama

and that there'd be nothing but drama between the two of you not love

between the two of you not love not sex just you pining after her and

not sex just you pining after her and her like your cute pudge but i love jake

her like your cute pudge but i love jake if she loved you so much why did she

if she loved you so much why did she leave you that night

leave you that night and if you loved her so much why'd you

and if you loved her so much why'd you help her go

help her go i was drunk what's your excuse

i was drunk what's your excuse the colonel let go of my sweater and i

the colonel let go of my sweater and i reached down and picked up the

reached down and picked up the cigarettes

cigarettes not screaming not through clenched teeth

not screaming not through clenched teeth not with the veins

not with the veins pulsing in my forehead but calmly calmly

pulsing in my forehead but calmly calmly they looked down at the colonel and said

they looked down at the colonel and said you

the vein pulsing screaming came later after i had jogged across highway 119

after i had jogged across highway 119 and through the dorm circle and across

and through the dorm circle and across the soccer field and down the dirt road

the soccer field and down the dirt road to the bridge

to the bridge when i found myself at the smoking hole

when i found myself at the smoking hole i picked up a blue chair and threw it

i picked up a blue chair and threw it against the concrete wall

against the concrete wall and the clang of plastic on concrete

and the clang of plastic on concrete echoed beneath the bridge

echoed beneath the bridge as the chair fell limpy on its side and

as the chair fell limpy on its side and then i lay on my back

then i lay on my back with my knees hanging over the precipice

with my knees hanging over the precipice and screamed

and screamed i screamed because the colonel was a

i screamed because the colonel was a self-satisfied condescending bastard

self-satisfied condescending bastard and i screamed because he was right for

and i screamed because he was right for i did want to believe that i'd had a

i did want to believe that i'd had a secret love affair with alaska

secret love affair with alaska did she love me would she have left jake

did she love me would she have left jake for me

for me or was it just another impulsive alaska

or was it just another impulsive alaska moment

moment it was not enough to be the last guy she

it was not enough to be the last guy she kissed i wanted to be the last one she

kissed i wanted to be the last one she loved

loved and i knew i wasn't i knew it and i

and i knew i wasn't i knew it and i hated her for it

hated her for it i hated her for not caring about me i

i hated her for not caring about me i hated her for leaving that night and i

hated her for leaving that night and i hated myself too

hated myself too not only because i let her go but

not only because i let her go but because if i had been enough for her

because if i had been enough for her she wouldn't have even wanted to leave

she wouldn't have even wanted to leave she would have just laying with me and

she would have just laying with me and talked and cried and i would have

talked and cried and i would have listened and kissed at her tears as they

listened and kissed at her tears as they pulled in her eyes

pulled in her eyes i turned my head and looked at one of

i turned my head and looked at one of the little blue plastic chairs on its

the little blue plastic chairs on its side

side i wondered if there would ever be a day

i wondered if there would ever be a day when i didn't think about alaska

when i didn't think about alaska wondered whether i should hope for a

wondered whether i should hope for a time when she would be a distant memory

time when she would be a distant memory recalled only on the anniversary of her

recalled only on the anniversary of her death or maybe a couple of weeks after

death or maybe a couple of weeks after remembering only after having forgotten

remembering only after having forgotten i knew that i would know more dead

i knew that i would know more dead people the bodies would pile up could

people the bodies would pile up could there be a space in my memory for each

there be a space in my memory for each of them

of them or would i forget a little of alaska

or would i forget a little of alaska every day for the rest of my life

every day for the rest of my life once early on in the year she and i had

once early on in the year she and i had walked down to the smoking hole

walked down to the smoking hole and she jumped into culver creek with

and she jumped into culver creek with her flip-flops still on

her flip-flops still on she stepped across the creek picking her

she stepped across the creek picking her steps carefully over the mossy rocks

steps carefully over the mossy rocks and grabbed a waterlogged stick from the

and grabbed a waterlogged stick from the creek bank

creek bank as i sat on the concrete my feet

as i sat on the concrete my feet dangling toward the water

dangling toward the water she overturned rocks with the stick and

she overturned rocks with the stick and pointed out the skittering crawfish

pointed out the skittering crawfish you boil them then suck the heads out

you boil them then suck the heads out she said excitedly that's where all the

she said excitedly that's where all the good stuff is the heads

good stuff is the heads she taught me everything i knew about

she taught me everything i knew about crawfish and kissing and pink wine and

crawfish and kissing and pink wine and poetry

poetry she made me different i lit a cigarette

she made me different i lit a cigarette and spit into the creek

and spit into the creek you can't just make me different and

you can't just make me different and then leave i said out loud to her

then leave i said out loud to her because i was fine before alaska i was

because i was fine before alaska i was fine with just me

fine with just me and last words and school friends and

and last words and school friends and you can't just make me different

you can't just make me different and then die for she had embodied

and then die for she had embodied the great perhaps she had proved to me

the great perhaps she had proved to me that it was worth it to leave behind my

that it was worth it to leave behind my minor

minor life for grander maybes and now she was

life for grander maybes and now she was gone

gone and with her my faith in perhaps

and with her my faith in perhaps i could call everything the colonel said

i could call everything the colonel said and did fine

and did fine i could try to pretend that i didn't

i could try to pretend that i didn't care anymore but it could never be true

care anymore but it could never be true again

again you can't just make yourself matter and

you can't just make yourself matter and then die alaska

then die alaska because now i am irretrievably different

because now i am irretrievably different and i'm sorry i let you go yes but you

and i'm sorry i let you go yes but you made the choice

made the choice you left me perhaps less stuck in your

you left me perhaps less stuck in your goddamned labyrinth

goddamned labyrinth and now i don't even know if you chose

and now i don't even know if you chose the straight and fast way out

the straight and fast way out if you left me like this on purpose

if you left me like this on purpose and so i never knew you did i i can't

and so i never knew you did i i can't remember

remember because i never knew and as i stood up

because i never knew and as i stood up to walk home

to walk home and make my peace with the colonel i

and make my peace with the colonel i tried to imagine her in that chair

tried to imagine her in that chair but i could not remember whether she

but i could not remember whether she crossed her legs i could still see her

crossed her legs i could still see her smiling at me with half of mona lisa's

smiling at me with half of mona lisa's smirk

smirk but i couldn't picture her hands well

but i couldn't picture her hands well enough to see her holding a cigarette

enough to see her holding a cigarette i needed i decided to really know her

i needed i decided to really know her because i needed more to remember

because i needed more to remember before i could begin the shameful

before i could begin the shameful process of forgetting the how and the

process of forgetting the how and the why of her living and dying

why of her living and dying i needed to learn it how

i needed to learn it how why when where

why when where what at room 43

what at room 43 after quickly offered and accepted

after quickly offered and accepted apologies the colonel said

apologies the colonel said we've made a tactical decision to push

we've made a tactical decision to push back calling jake

back calling jake we're going to pursue some other avenues

we're going to pursue some other avenues first

21 days after as dr hyde shuffled into class the next

as dr hyde shuffled into class the next morning takumi sat down next to me and

morning takumi sat down next to me and wrote a note on the edge of his notebook

wrote a note on the edge of his notebook lunch at mick inedible it read i

lunch at mick inedible it read i scribbled okay on my own notebook

scribbled okay on my own notebook and then turned to a blank page as dr

and then turned to a blank page as dr hyde started talking about sufism

hyde started talking about sufism the mystical sect of islam i'd only scan

the mystical sect of islam i'd only scan through the reading

through the reading i'd been studying only enough not to

i'd been studying only enough not to fail but in my scanning

fail but in my scanning i'd come across great last words

i'd come across great last words this poor sufi dressed in rags walked

this poor sufi dressed in rags walked into a jewelry store owned by a rich

into a jewelry store owned by a rich merchant

merchant and asked him do you know how you're

and asked him do you know how you're going to die

going to die the merchant answered no no one knows

the merchant answered no no one knows how they're going to die

how they're going to die and the sufi said i do how

and the sufi said i do how asked the merchant and the sufi lay down

asked the merchant and the sufi lay down crossed his arms

crossed his arms said like this and died

said like this and died whereupon the merchant promptly gave up

whereupon the merchant promptly gave up his store to live a life of poverty

his store to live a life of poverty in pursuit of the kind of spiritual

in pursuit of the kind of spiritual wealth the dead sufi had acquired

wealth the dead sufi had acquired but dr hyde was telling a different

but dr hyde was telling a different story one that i'd skipped

story one that i'd skipped karl marx famously called religion the

karl marx famously called religion the opiates of the masses

opiates of the masses buddhism particularly as it is popularly

buddhism particularly as it is popularly practiced

practiced promises improvement through karma

promises improvement through karma islam and christianity promise eternal

islam and christianity promise eternal paradise to the faithful

paradise to the faithful and that is a powerful opiate certainly

and that is a powerful opiate certainly the hope of a better life to come but

the hope of a better life to come but there's a sufi story that challenges the

there's a sufi story that challenges the notion that people believe

notion that people believe only because they need an opiate rabia

only because they need an opiate rabia al-adha a great woman saint of sufism

al-adha a great woman saint of sufism was seen running through the streets of

was seen running through the streets of her hometown

her hometown basra carrying a torch in one hand and a

basra carrying a torch in one hand and a bucket of water in the other

bucket of water in the other when someone asked her what she was

when someone asked her what she was doing

doing she answered i am going to take this

she answered i am going to take this bucket of water

bucket of water and pour it on the flames of hell and

and pour it on the flames of hell and then

then i am going to use this torch to burn

i am going to use this torch to burn down the gates of paradise

down the gates of paradise so that people will not love god for

so that people will not love god for wants

wants of heaven or fear of hell but

of heaven or fear of hell but because he is god

because he is god a woman so strong she burns heaven and

a woman so strong she burns heaven and drenches hell

drenches hell alaska would have liked this rabia woman

alaska would have liked this rabia woman i wrote in my notebook

i wrote in my notebook but even so the afterlife mattered to me

but even so the afterlife mattered to me heaven and hell and reincarnation as

heaven and hell and reincarnation as much as i wanted to know how alaska had

much as i wanted to know how alaska had died

died i wanted to know where she was now if

i wanted to know where she was now if anywhere

anywhere i liked to imagine her looking down on

i liked to imagine her looking down on us still aware of us

us still aware of us but it seemed like a fantasy and i never

but it seemed like a fantasy and i never really felt it

really felt it just as the colonel had said at the

just as the colonel had said at the funeral that she wasn't there

funeral that she wasn't there she wasn't anywhere i couldn't honestly

she wasn't anywhere i couldn't honestly imagine her as anything but

imagine her as anything but dead her body rotting in vine station

dead her body rotting in vine station the rest of her just a ghost alive only

the rest of her just a ghost alive only in our remembering

in our remembering like rabia i didn't think people should

like rabia i didn't think people should believe in god because of heaven and

believe in god because of heaven and hell

hell but i didn't feel a need to run around

but i didn't feel a need to run around with a torch you can't burn

with a torch you can't burn down a made up place

down a made up place after class as takumi picked through his

after class as takumi picked through his fries at mick and edible

fries at mick and edible eating only the crunchiest i felt the

eating only the crunchiest i felt the total loss of her

total loss of her still reeling from the idea that she was

still reeling from the idea that she was not only gone from this world

not only gone from this world but from all of them how have you been

but from all of them how have you been i asked ah he said with a mouthful of

i asked ah he said with a mouthful of fries

fries not good you not good

not good you not good i took a bite of cheeseburger i'd gotten

i took a bite of cheeseburger i'd gotten a plastic stock car with my happy meal

a plastic stock car with my happy meal and it sat overturned on the table i

and it sat overturned on the table i spun the wheels

spun the wheels i miss her takumi said pushing away his

i miss her takumi said pushing away his tray

tray uninterested in the remaining soggy

uninterested in the remaining soggy fries

fries yeah i do too

yeah i do too i'm sorry takumi and i meant it in the

i'm sorry takumi and i meant it in the largest possible way

largest possible way i was sorry we ended up like this

i was sorry we ended up like this spinning wheels at a mcdonald's

spinning wheels at a mcdonald's sorry the person who had brought us

sorry the person who had brought us together now lay dead between us

together now lay dead between us i was sorry i let her die

i was sorry i let her die sorry i haven't talked to you because

sorry i haven't talked to you because you couldn't know the truth about the

you couldn't know the truth about the colonel in me

colonel in me and i hated being around you and having

and i hated being around you and having to pretend that my grief is this

to pretend that my grief is this uncomplicated thing

uncomplicated thing pretending that she died and i miss her

pretending that she died and i miss her instead of that she died

instead of that she died because of me i thought me too

because of me i thought me too you're not dating laura anymore are you

you're not dating laura anymore are you i don't think so okay

i don't think so okay she was kinda wondering i had been

she was kinda wondering i had been ignoring her

ignoring her but by then she had begun to ignore me

but by then she had begun to ignore me back

back so i figured it was over but maybe not

so i figured it was over but maybe not well i told takumi i just can't

well i told takumi i just can't i don't know man that's pretty

i don't know man that's pretty complicated sure

complicated sure she'll understand sure all good

she'll understand sure all good okay listen pudge i

okay listen pudge i uh i don't know

uh i don't know it sucks huh yeah 27 days after

it sucks huh yeah 27 days after six days later four sundays after the

six days later four sundays after the last sunday

last sunday the colonel and i were trying to shoot

the colonel and i were trying to shoot each other with paintball guns

each other with paintball guns while turning nine hundreds in a half

while turning nine hundreds in a half pipe

pipe we need booze and we need to borrow the

we need booze and we need to borrow the eagle's breathalyzer

eagle's breathalyzer borrow it do you know where it is yeah

borrow it do you know where it is yeah he's never made you take one um no

he's never made you take one um no he thinks i'm a nerd you are a nerd

he thinks i'm a nerd you are a nerd pudge

pudge but you're not going to let a detail

but you're not going to let a detail like that keep you from drinking

like that keep you from drinking actually i hadn't drunk since that night

actually i hadn't drunk since that night and didn't feel particularly inclined to

and didn't feel particularly inclined to ever take it up ever again

ever take it up ever again then i nearly elbowed the kernel in the

then i nearly elbowed the kernel in the face

face swinging my arms wildly as if contorting

swinging my arms wildly as if contorting my body in the right ways mattered as

my body in the right ways mattered as much as pressing the right buttons at

much as pressing the right buttons at the right moments

the right moments the same video game playing delusion

the same video game playing delusion that had always gripped alaska

that had always gripped alaska but the colonel was so focused on the

but the colonel was so focused on the game he didn't even notice

game he didn't even notice do you have a plan for how exactly we're

do you have a plan for how exactly we're going to steal the breathalyzer from

going to steal the breathalyzer from inside the eagle's house the colonel

inside the eagle's house the colonel looked over at me and said

looked over at me and said do you suck at this game and then

do you suck at this game and then without turning back to the screen shot

without turning back to the screen shot my skater in the balls with a blue paint

my skater in the balls with a blue paint blast

blast but first we got to get some liquor

but first we got to get some liquor because the ambrosia's sour

because the ambrosia's sour and my booze connection is poof

and my booze connection is poof gone i finished when i opened his door

gone i finished when i opened his door takumi was sitting at his desk boxy

takumi was sitting at his desk boxy headphones surrounding his entire head

headphones surrounding his entire head bouncing his head to the beat he seemed

bouncing his head to the beat he seemed oblivious to us

oblivious to us hey i said nothing

hey i said nothing takumi nothing takumi

takumi nothing takumi he turned around and pulled off his

he turned around and pulled off his headphones i closed the door behind me

headphones i closed the door behind me and said

and said you got any alcohol why he asked

you got any alcohol why he asked uh because we want to get drunk the

uh because we want to get drunk the colonel answered

colonel answered great i'll join you takumi the colonel

great i'll join you takumi the colonel said

said this is we need to do this alone

this is we need to do this alone no i've had enough of that takumi

no i've had enough of that takumi stood up walked into his bathroom

stood up walked into his bathroom and came out with a gatorade bottle

and came out with a gatorade bottle filled with clear liquid

filled with clear liquid i keep it in the medicine cabinet takumi

i keep it in the medicine cabinet takumi said on account of how it's medicine

said on account of how it's medicine he pocketed the bottle and then walked

he pocketed the bottle and then walked out of the room leaving

out of the room leaving the door open behind him a moment later

the door open behind him a moment later he peeked his head back in and

he peeked his head back in and brilliantly mimicking the colonel's

brilliantly mimicking the colonel's bossy base voice said

bossy base voice said christ you're coming or what sakumi

christ you're coming or what sakumi the colonel said okay look what we're

the colonel said okay look what we're doing is a little dangerous

doing is a little dangerous and i don't want you caught up in it

and i don't want you caught up in it honestly but

honestly but listen we'll tell you everything

listen we'll tell you everything starting tomorrow

starting tomorrow i'm tired of all this secret she

i'm tired of all this secret she was my friend too

was my friend too tomorrow honestly

tomorrow honestly he pulled the bottle out of his pocket

he pulled the bottle out of his pocket and tossed it to me

and tossed it to me tomorrow he said

tomorrow he said i don't really want him to know i said

i don't really want him to know i said as we walked back to the room

as we walked back to the room the gatorade bottle stuffed in the

the gatorade bottle stuffed in the pocket of my sweatshirt

pocket of my sweatshirt he'll hate us yeah well he'll hate us

he'll hate us yeah well he'll hate us more if we keep pretending he doesn't

more if we keep pretending he doesn't exist

exist the colonel answered fifteen minutes

the colonel answered fifteen minutes later

later i stood at the eagles doorstep he opened

i stood at the eagles doorstep he opened the door with a spatula in hand

the door with a spatula in hand smiled and said miles come in

smiled and said miles come in i was just making an egg sandwich want

i was just making an egg sandwich want one

one no thanks i said following the eagle

no thanks i said following the eagle into his kitchen

into his kitchen my job was to keep him out of his living

my job was to keep him out of his living room for thirty seconds

room for thirty seconds so the colonel could get the

so the colonel could get the breathalyzer undetected

breathalyzer undetected i coughed loudly to let the colonel know

i coughed loudly to let the colonel know the coast was clear

the coast was clear the eagle picked up his egg sandwich and

the eagle picked up his egg sandwich and took a bite

took a bite to what do i owe the pleasure of your

to what do i owe the pleasure of your visit

visit he asked i just wanted to tell you that

he asked i just wanted to tell you that the colonel i mean chip martin he's my

the colonel i mean chip martin he's my roommate you know

roommate you know he's having a tough time in latin well

he's having a tough time in latin well he's not

he's not attending the class from what i

attending the class from what i understand which can make it very

understand which can make it very difficult to learn the language

difficult to learn the language he walked toward me i coughed again and

he walked toward me i coughed again and backpedaled

backpedaled the eagle and i tangling our way toward

the eagle and i tangling our way toward his living room

his living room right well he's up all night every night

right well he's up all night every night thinking about alaska

thinking about alaska i said standing up straight and tall

i said standing up straight and tall trying to block the eagle's view of the

trying to block the eagle's view of the living room with my none too wide

living room with my none too wide shoulders

shoulders they were very close you know i know

they were very close you know i know that he said

that he said and in the living room the colonel's

and in the living room the colonel's sneakers squeaked against the hardwood

sneakers squeaked against the hardwood floor

floor the eagle looked at me quizzically and

the eagle looked at me quizzically and sidestepped me

sidestepped me i quickly said is that burner on and

i quickly said is that burner on and pointed toward the frying pan

pointed toward the frying pan the eagle wheeled around looked at the

the eagle wheeled around looked at the clearly not

clearly not on burner then dashed into the living

on burner then dashed into the living room

room empty he turned back to me

empty he turned back to me are you up to something miles

are you up to something miles no sir honestly i just wanted to talk

no sir honestly i just wanted to talk about chip

about chip he arched his eyebrows skeptical well i

he arched his eyebrows skeptical well i understand that this is a devastating

understand that this is a devastating loss for alaska's close friends

loss for alaska's close friends it's just awful there's no comfort to

it's just awful there's no comfort to this grief is there

this grief is there no sir i'm sympathetic to chip's

no sir i'm sympathetic to chip's troubles

troubles but school is important alaska would

but school is important alaska would have wanted i'm sure for chip's studies

have wanted i'm sure for chip's studies to continue

to continue unimpeded i'm sure i thought

unimpeded i'm sure i thought i thanked the eagle and he promised me

i thanked the eagle and he promised me an egg sandwich at some point in the

an egg sandwich at some point in the future which made me nervous that he

future which made me nervous that he would just show up at our room one

would just show up at our room one afternoon with an egg sandwich in hand

afternoon with an egg sandwich in hand to find us

to find us a illegally smoking while the colonel b

a illegally smoking while the colonel b illegally drank milk and vodka out of a

illegally drank milk and vodka out of a gallon jug

gallon jug halfway across the dorm circle the

halfway across the dorm circle the colonel ran up to me

colonel ran up to me that was smooth with the is that burner

that was smooth with the is that burner on

on if you hadn't pulled that i was toast

if you hadn't pulled that i was toast although i guess i'll have to start

although i guess i'll have to start going to latin

going to latin stupid latin did you get it

stupid latin did you get it i asked yeah he said yeah

i asked yeah he said yeah god i hope he doesn't go looking for it

god i hope he doesn't go looking for it tonight although

tonight although really he could never suspect anything

really he could never suspect anything why would someone steal a breathalyzer

why would someone steal a breathalyzer at two o'clock in the morning the

at two o'clock in the morning the colonel took his sixth

colonel took his sixth shot of vodka grimaced then frantically

shot of vodka grimaced then frantically motioned with his hand toward the bottle

motioned with his hand toward the bottle of mountain dew i was drinking

of mountain dew i was drinking i handed it to him and he took a long

i handed it to him and he took a long pull on it

pull on it i don't think i'll be able to go to

i don't think i'll be able to go to latin tomorrow

latin tomorrow he said his words were slightly slurred

he said his words were slightly slurred as if his tongue were swollen

as if his tongue were swollen one more i pleaded okay

one more i pleaded okay this is it though he poured a sip of

this is it though he poured a sip of vodka into a dixie cup

vodka into a dixie cup swallowed pursed his lips and squeezed

swallowed pursed his lips and squeezed his hands into tight little fists

his hands into tight little fists oh god this is bad

oh god this is bad it's so much better with milk this

it's so much better with milk this better be 0.24

better be 0.24 we have to wait for 15 minutes after

we have to wait for 15 minutes after your last drink before we test it

your last drink before we test it i said having downloaded instructions

i said having downloaded instructions for the breathalyzer off the internet

for the breathalyzer off the internet do you feel drunk if drunk or cookies

do you feel drunk if drunk or cookies i'd be famous amoth we laughed

i'd be famous amoth we laughed chips ahoy would have been funnier i

chips ahoy would have been funnier i said

said forgive me not at my best

forgive me not at my best i held the breathalyzer in my hand a

i held the breathalyzer in my hand a sleek silver gadget about the size of a

sleek silver gadget about the size of a small remote control

small remote control beneath an lcd screen was a small hole

beneath an lcd screen was a small hole i blew into it to test it 0.00 it read

i blew into it to test it 0.00 it read i figured it was working after 15

i figured it was working after 15 minutes i handed it to the colonel

minutes i handed it to the colonel blow really hard into it for at least

blow really hard into it for at least two seconds i said

two seconds i said he looked up at me is that what you told

he looked up at me is that what you told laura in the tv room

laura in the tv room because see pudge they only call it a

because see pudge they only call it a

shut up and blow i said his cheeks puffed out

puffed out and the kernel blew into the hole hard

and the kernel blew into the hole hard and long his face turning red

and long his face turning red 0.16 oh no

0.16 oh no the colonel said oh god

the colonel said oh god you're two-thirds of the way there i

you're two-thirds of the way there i said encouragingly

said encouragingly yeah but i'm like three-fourths of the

yeah but i'm like three-fourths of the way to puken

way to puken well obviously it's possible she did it

well obviously it's possible she did it come on you can out drink a girl can't

come on you can out drink a girl can't you

you give me the mountain dew he said

give me the mountain dew he said stoically

stoically and then i heard footsteps outside

and then i heard footsteps outside footsteps

footsteps we'd waited till one o'clock to turn on

we'd waited till one o'clock to turn on the lights figuring everyone would be

the lights figuring everyone would be long asleep

long asleep it was a school night after all but

it was a school night after all but footsteps

footsteps and as the colonel looked at me

and as the colonel looked at me confused i grabbed the breathalyzer from

confused i grabbed the breathalyzer from him and stuffed it between the foam

him and stuffed it between the foam cushions of the couch

cushions of the couch and grabbed the dixie cup and the

and grabbed the dixie cup and the gatorade bottle of vodka and stashed

gatorade bottle of vodka and stashed them behind the coffee table

them behind the coffee table and in one motion i grabbed a cigarette

and in one motion i grabbed a cigarette from a pack and lit it hoping the smell

from a pack and lit it hoping the smell of smoke would cover up the smell of

of smoke would cover up the smell of booze

booze i puffed the cigarette without inhaling

i puffed the cigarette without inhaling trying to smoke up the room

trying to smoke up the room and i was almost back to the couch when

and i was almost back to the couch when the three quick knocks came against the

the three quick knocks came against the door

door and the colonel looked at me his eyes

and the colonel looked at me his eyes wide his suddenly unpromising future

wide his suddenly unpromising future flashing before his eyes and i whispered

flashing before his eyes and i whispered cry

cry as the eagle turned the knob the colonel

as the eagle turned the knob the colonel hunched forward

hunched forward his head between his knees and his

his head between his knees and his shoulders shaking and i put my arm

shoulders shaking and i put my arm around him as the eagle came in

around him as the eagle came in i'm sorry i said before the eagle could

i'm sorry i said before the eagle could say anything

say anything he's having a tough night are you

he's having a tough night are you smoking the eagle asked in your room

smoking the eagle asked in your room four hours after lights out

four hours after lights out i dropped the cigarette into a half

i dropped the cigarette into a half empty coke camp

empty coke camp i'm sorry sir i'm just trying to stay

i'm sorry sir i'm just trying to stay awake with him

awake with him the eagle walked up toward the couch and

the eagle walked up toward the couch and i felt the kernel start to rise but i

i felt the kernel start to rise but i held his shoulders down firmly

held his shoulders down firmly because if the eagle smelled the

because if the eagle smelled the colonel's breath we were done for sure

colonel's breath we were done for sure miles the eagle said i understand that

miles the eagle said i understand that this is a difficult time for you

this is a difficult time for you but you will respect the rules of this

but you will respect the rules of this school or you will matriculate someplace

school or you will matriculate someplace else

else i'll see you in jury tomorrow

i'll see you in jury tomorrow is there anything i can do for you chip

is there anything i can do for you chip without looking up the colonel answered

without looking up the colonel answered in a quivering tear-soaked voice

in a quivering tear-soaked voice no sir i'm just glad i have miles

no sir i'm just glad i have miles well i am too the eagle said

well i am too the eagle said perhaps you should encourage him to live

perhaps you should encourage him to live within the confines of our rules

within the confines of our rules lest he risk his place on this campus

lest he risk his place on this campus yes sir the colonel said y'all can leave

yes sir the colonel said y'all can leave your lights on until you're ready to go

your lights on until you're ready to go to bed

to bed i'll see you tomorrow miles good night

i'll see you tomorrow miles good night sir

sir i said imagining the colonel sneaking

i said imagining the colonel sneaking the breathalyzer back into the eagle's

the breathalyzer back into the eagle's house while i got harangued at jury

house while i got harangued at jury as the eagle closed the door behind him

as the eagle closed the door behind him the colonel shot up

the colonel shot up smiling at me and still nervous that the

smiling at me and still nervous that the eagle might be outside whispered

eagle might be outside whispered that was a thing of beauty i learned

that was a thing of beauty i learned from the best i said now drink

from the best i said now drink an hour later the gatorade bottle mostly

an hour later the gatorade bottle mostly empty

empty the kernel hit .24 thank you jesus

the kernel hit .24 thank you jesus he exclaimed and then added this is

he exclaimed and then added this is awful this

awful this is not fun drunk i got up and cleared

is not fun drunk i got up and cleared the coffee table out of the way so the

the coffee table out of the way so the colonel could walk the length of the

colonel could walk the length of the room without hitting any obstacles

room without hitting any obstacles and said okay can you stand

and said okay can you stand the colonel pushed his arms into the

the colonel pushed his arms into the foam of the couch and began to rise

foam of the couch and began to rise but then fell backward onto the couch

but then fell backward onto the couch lying on his back

lying on his back spinning room he observed gonna puke

spinning room he observed gonna puke don't puke that will ruin everything

don't puke that will ruin everything i decided to give him a field sobriety

i decided to give him a field sobriety test like the cops do

test like the cops do okay get over here and try to walk a

okay get over here and try to walk a straight line

straight line he rolled off the couch and fell to the

he rolled off the couch and fell to the floor and i caught him beneath his

floor and i caught him beneath his armpits and held him up

armpits and held him up i positioned him in between two tiles of

i positioned him in between two tiles of the linoleum floor

the linoleum floor follow that line of tiles walk straight

follow that line of tiles walk straight toe to heel

toe to heel he raised one leg and immediately leaned

he raised one leg and immediately leaned to the left his arms windmilling

to the left his arms windmilling he took a single unsteady step sort of a

he took a single unsteady step sort of a waddle

waddle as his feet were seemingly unable to

as his feet were seemingly unable to land directly in front of each other

land directly in front of each other he regained his balance briefly then

he regained his balance briefly then took a step backward and landed on the

took a step backward and landed on the couch

couch i fail he said matter of factly

i fail he said matter of factly okay how's your depth perception

okay how's your depth perception my what for watching look at me is there

my what for watching look at me is there one of me

one of me are there two of me could you

are there two of me could you accidentally drive into me if i were a

accidentally drive into me if i were a cop car

cop car everything's very spinny but i don't

everything's very spinny but i don't think so

think so this is bad was she really like this

this is bad was she really like this apparently could you drive like this oh

apparently could you drive like this oh god no

god no no she was really drunk huh

no she was really drunk huh yeah we were really stupid

yeah we were really stupid yeah i'm spinning but

yeah i'm spinning but no no cop car i can see

no no cop car i can see so there's your evidence maybe she fell

so there's your evidence maybe she fell asleep i feel awfully sleepy

asleep i feel awfully sleepy we'll find out i said trying to play the

we'll find out i said trying to play the role that the colonel had always played

role that the colonel had always played for me

for me not tonight he answered tonight we're

not tonight he answered tonight we're gonna throw up a little

gonna throw up a little and then we are going to sleep through

and then we are going to sleep through our hangover

our hangover don't forget about latin right

don't forget about latin right latin

28 days after the colonel made it to latin the next

the colonel made it to latin the next morning

morning i feel awesome right now because i'm

i feel awesome right now because i'm still drunk

still drunk but god help me in a couple of hours and

but god help me in a couple of hours and i took a french test for which i had

i took a french test for which i had studied all patipa

studied all patipa i did all right on the multiple choice

i did all right on the multiple choice which verb tense makes sense here type

which verb tense makes sense here type questions but the essay question in

questions but the essay question in le petit pass what is the significance

le petit pass what is the significance of the rose

of the rose through me a bit had i read the little

through me a bit had i read the little prince in english or

prince in english or french i suspect this question might

french i suspect this question might have been quite easy unfortunately

have been quite easy unfortunately i'd spent the evening getting the

i'd spent the evening getting the colonel drunk

colonel drunk so i answered el sambalis la mour

so i answered el sambalis la mour it symbolizes love madame o'malley had

it symbolizes love madame o'malley had left us with an entire page to answer

left us with an entire page to answer the question

the question but i figured i'd covered it nicely in

but i figured i'd covered it nicely in three words

three words i'd kept up in my classes well enough to

i'd kept up in my classes well enough to get b minuses and not worry my parents

get b minuses and not worry my parents but i didn't really care much anymore

but i didn't really care much anymore the significance of the rose

the significance of the rose i thought who gives a what's the

i thought who gives a what's the significance of the white

significance of the white tulips there was a question worth

tulips there was a question worth answering

answering after i'd gotten a lecture and 10 work

after i'd gotten a lecture and 10 work hours at jury

hours at jury i came back to room 43 to find the

i came back to room 43 to find the colonel telling takumi

colonel telling takumi everything well everything except the

everything well everything except the kiss

kiss i walked into the colonel saying so we

i walked into the colonel saying so we helped her go

helped her go you set off the fireworks he said

you set off the fireworks he said how'd you know about the fireworks i've

how'd you know about the fireworks i've been doing a bit of investigating

been doing a bit of investigating takumi answered well anyway that was

takumi answered well anyway that was dumb you shouldn't have done it

dumb you shouldn't have done it but we all let her go really he said

but we all let her go really he said and i wondered what the hell he meant by

and i wondered what the hell he meant by that but i didn't have time to ask

that but i didn't have time to ask before he said to me

before he said to me so you think it was a suicide maybe

so you think it was a suicide maybe i said i don't see how she could have

i said i don't see how she could have hit the cop car by accident unless she

hit the cop car by accident unless she was asleep

was asleep maybe she was going to visit her father

maybe she was going to visit her father takumi said

takumi said vine station is on the way maybe

vine station is on the way maybe i said everything's a maybe isn't it

i said everything's a maybe isn't it the colonel reached in his pocket for a

the colonel reached in his pocket for a pack of cigarettes

pack of cigarettes well here's another one maybe jake has

well here's another one maybe jake has the answers

the answers he said we've exhausted other strategies

he said we've exhausted other strategies so i'm calling him tomorrow

so i'm calling him tomorrow okay i wanted answers now

okay i wanted answers now too but not to some questions

too but not to some questions yeah okay i said but listen don't tell

yeah okay i said but listen don't tell me anything that's not relevant

me anything that's not relevant i don't want to know anything unless

i don't want to know anything unless it's going to help me know where she was

it's going to help me know where she was going

going and why me neither actually

and why me neither actually takumi said i feel like maybe some of

takumi said i feel like maybe some of that should stay private

that should stay private the colonel stuffed the towel under the

the colonel stuffed the towel under the door lit a cigarette and said

door lit a cigarette and said fair enough kids will work on a need to

fair enough kids will work on a need to know basis

know basis 29 days after as i walked home from

29 days after as i walked home from classes the next day

classes the next day i saw the colonel sitting on the bench

i saw the colonel sitting on the bench outside the pay phone

outside the pay phone scribbling into a notebook balanced on

scribbling into a notebook balanced on his knees as he cradled the phone

his knees as he cradled the phone between his ear and shoulder

between his ear and shoulder i hurried into room 43 where i found

i hurried into room 43 where i found takumi playing the racing game on mute

takumi playing the racing game on mute how long has he been on the phone i

how long has he been on the phone i asked dunno

asked dunno he was on when i got here 20 minutes ago

he was on when i got here 20 minutes ago he must have skipped smart boy math

he must have skipped smart boy math why are you scared jake's gonna drive

why are you scared jake's gonna drive down here and kick your ass for letting

down here and kick your ass for letting her go

her go whatever i said thinking this is

whatever i said thinking this is precisely why we shouldn't have told him

precisely why we shouldn't have told him i walked into the bathroom turned on the

i walked into the bathroom turned on the shower and lit a cigarette

shower and lit a cigarette takumi came in not long after what's up

takumi came in not long after what's up he said nothing i just want to know what

he said nothing i just want to know what happened to her

happened to her like you really want to know the truth

like you really want to know the truth or like you want to find out that she

or like you want to find out that she fought with him and was on her way to

fought with him and was on her way to break up with him and was going to come

break up with him and was going to come back here and fall into your arms and

back here and fall into your arms and you were going to make hot sweet love

you were going to make hot sweet love and have

and have genius babies who memorized last words

genius babies who memorized last words and poetry

and poetry if you're pissed at me just say so i'm

if you're pissed at me just say so i'm not pissed at you for letting her go

not pissed at you for letting her go but i'm tired of you acting like you

but i'm tired of you acting like you were the only guy who ever wanted her

were the only guy who ever wanted her like you had some monopoly on liking her

like you had some monopoly on liking her takumi answered i stood up lifted the

takumi answered i stood up lifted the toilet seat

toilet seat and flushed my unfinished cigarette

and flushed my unfinished cigarette i stared at him for a moment and then

i stared at him for a moment and then said

said i kissed her that night and i've got a

i kissed her that night and i've got a monopoly on that

monopoly on that what he stammered i kissed her

what he stammered i kissed her his mouth opened as if to speak but he

his mouth opened as if to speak but he said nothing

said nothing we stared at each other for a while and

we stared at each other for a while and i felt ashamed of myself for what

i felt ashamed of myself for what amounted to bragging

amounted to bragging and finally i said i look you know how

and finally i said i look you know how she was

she was she wanted to do something and she did

she wanted to do something and she did it i was probably just the guy who

it i was probably just the guy who happened to be there

happened to be there yeah well i was never that guy he said

yeah well i was never that guy he said i well pudge god knows i can't blame you

i well pudge god knows i can't blame you don't tell lara he was nodding as we

don't tell lara he was nodding as we heard the three quick

heard the three quick knocks on the front door that meant the

knocks on the front door that meant the eagle and i thought

eagle and i thought caught twice in a week and takumi

caught twice in a week and takumi pointed into the shower

pointed into the shower and so we jumped in together and pulled

and so we jumped in together and pulled the curtain shut the two low shower

the curtain shut the two low shower heads spitting water onto us from rib

heads spitting water onto us from rib cage down

cage down forced to stand closer together than

forced to stand closer together than seemed entirely necessary

seemed entirely necessary we stayed there silent the sputtering

we stayed there silent the sputtering shower slowly soaking our t-shirts and

shower slowly soaking our t-shirts and jeans for a few long minutes

jeans for a few long minutes while we waited for the steam to lift

while we waited for the steam to lift the smoke into the vents

the smoke into the vents but the eagle never knocked on the

but the eagle never knocked on the bathroom door and eventually takumi

bathroom door and eventually takumi turned off the shower

turned off the shower i opened the bathroom door a crack and

i opened the bathroom door a crack and peeked out to see the colonel sitting on

peeked out to see the colonel sitting on the foam couch

the foam couch his feet propped up on the coffee table

his feet propped up on the coffee table finishing takumi's nascar race

finishing takumi's nascar race i opened the door and takumi and i

i opened the door and takumi and i walked out fully clothed and dripping

walked out fully clothed and dripping wet

wet well there's some you don't see every

well there's some you don't see every day the colonel said nonchalantly

day the colonel said nonchalantly what the hell i asked i knocked like the

what the hell i asked i knocked like the eagle to scare you

eagle to scare you he smiled but if you all need

he smiled but if you all need privacy just leave a note on the door

privacy just leave a note on the door next time

next time takumi and i laughed and then takumi

takumi and i laughed and then takumi said

said yeah pudge and i were getting a little

yeah pudge and i were getting a little testy but man ever since we showered

testy but man ever since we showered together pudge i feel really close to

together pudge i feel really close to you

you so how'd it go i asked i sat down on the

so how'd it go i asked i sat down on the coffee table

coffee table and takumi plopped down on the couch

and takumi plopped down on the couch next to the colonel both of us

next to the colonel both of us wet and vaguely cold but more concerned

wet and vaguely cold but more concerned with the colonel's talk with jake than

with the colonel's talk with jake than with getting dry

with getting dry it was interesting here's what you need

it was interesting here's what you need to know

to know he gave her those flowers like we

he gave her those flowers like we thought they didn't

thought they didn't fight he just called because he had

fight he just called because he had promised to call at the exact moment of

promised to call at the exact moment of their eight-month anniversary

their eight-month anniversary which happened to be 302 in the am which

which happened to be 302 in the am which let's agree is a little ridiculous and i

let's agree is a little ridiculous and i guess somehow she heard the phone

guess somehow she heard the phone ringing

ringing so they talked about nothing for like

so they talked about nothing for like five minutes and then completely out of

five minutes and then completely out of nowhere

nowhere she freaked out completely out of

she freaked out completely out of nowhere

nowhere takumi asked allow me to consult my

takumi asked allow me to consult my notes

notes the colonel flipped through his notebook

the colonel flipped through his notebook okay

okay jake says did you have a nice

jake says did you have a nice anniversary

anniversary and then alaska says i had a splendid

and then alaska says i had a splendid anniversary

anniversary and i could hear in the colonel's

and i could hear in the colonel's reading the excitement of her voice

reading the excitement of her voice the way she leaped onto certain words

the way she leaped onto certain words like splendid and

like splendid and fantastic and absolutely

fantastic and absolutely then it's quiet then jake says what are

then it's quiet then jake says what are you doing

you doing and alaska says nothing just doodling

and alaska says nothing just doodling and then she says oh god and then she

and then she says oh god and then she says

says and start sobbing and

and start sobbing and told him she had to go but she'd talk to

told him she had to go but she'd talk to him later

him later but she didn't say she was driving to

but she didn't say she was driving to see him and jake doesn't think she was

see him and jake doesn't think she was he doesn't know where she was going but

he doesn't know where she was going but he says that she always

he says that she always asked if she could come up to see him

asked if she could come up to see him and she didn't ask so she must not have

and she didn't ask so she must not have been coming

been coming hold on let me find the quote he flipped

hold on let me find the quote he flipped a page in the notebook

a page in the notebook okay here she said she'd talk to me

okay here she said she'd talk to me later not

later not that she'd see me she tells me

that she'd see me she tells me to be continued and tells jake she'll

to be continued and tells jake she'll talk to him later

talk to him later i observed yes noted planning for a

i observed yes noted planning for a future

future admittedly inconsistent with suicide so

admittedly inconsistent with suicide so then she comes back into her room

then she comes back into her room screaming about forgetting something

screaming about forgetting something and then her headlong race comes to its

and then her headlong race comes to its end so

end so no answers really well we know where she

no answers really well we know where she wasn't going

wasn't going unless she was feeling particularly

unless she was feeling particularly impulsive takumi said

impulsive takumi said he looked at me and from the sound of

he looked at me and from the sound of things she

things she was feeling rather impulsive that night

was feeling rather impulsive that night the colonel looked over at me curiously

the colonel looked over at me curiously and i nodded

and i nodded yeah takumi said i know

yeah takumi said i know okay then and you were pissed but then

okay then and you were pissed but then you took a shower with pudge and it's

you took a shower with pudge and it's all good excellent

all good excellent so so that night the colonel continued

so so that night the colonel continued and we tried to resurrect the

and we tried to resurrect the conversation that last night as best we

conversation that last night as best we could for takumi

could for takumi but neither of us remembered it terribly

but neither of us remembered it terribly well partly because the colonel was

well partly because the colonel was drunk and i wasn't paying attention

drunk and i wasn't paying attention until she brought up truth or dare

until she brought up truth or dare and anyway we didn't know how much it

and anyway we didn't know how much it might mean

might mean last words are always harder to remember

last words are always harder to remember when no one knows that someone's about

when no one knows that someone's about to die

to die i mean the colonel said i think she and

i mean the colonel said i think she and i were talking about how much i adored

i were talking about how much i adored skateboarding on the computer but how it

skateboarding on the computer but how it would never even occur to me to try and

would never even occur to me to try and step on a skateboard in real life

step on a skateboard in real life and then she said let's play truth or

and then she said let's play truth or dare and then you her

dare and then you her wait you her in front of the

wait you her in front of the colonel

colonel takumi cried i didn't her

takumi cried i didn't her calm down guys the colonel said throwing

calm down guys the colonel said throwing up his hands

up his hands it's a euphemism for what takumi asked

it's a euphemism for what takumi asked kissing brilliant euphemism

kissing brilliant euphemism takumi rolled his eyes am i the only one

takumi rolled his eyes am i the only one who thinks that

who thinks that might be significant yeah

might be significant yeah that never occurred to me before i

that never occurred to me before i deadpanned

deadpanned but now i don't know she didn't tell

but now i don't know she didn't tell jake

jake it couldn't have been that important

it couldn't have been that important maybe she was racked with guilt

maybe she was racked with guilt he said jake said she seemed normal on

he said jake said she seemed normal on the phone

the phone before she freaked out the colonel said

before she freaked out the colonel said but it must have been that phone call

but it must have been that phone call something happened that we aren't seeing

something happened that we aren't seeing the colonel ran his hands through his

the colonel ran his hands through his thick hair frustrated

thick hair frustrated christ something something inside of her

christ something something inside of her and now we just have to figure out what

and now we just have to figure out what that was

that was so we just have to read the mind of a

so we just have to read the mind of a dead person takumi said

dead person takumi said easy enough precisely want to get

easy enough precisely want to get shit-faced the colonel asked

shit-faced the colonel asked i don't feel like drinking i said the

i don't feel like drinking i said the colonel reached into the foam recesses

colonel reached into the foam recesses of the couch and pulled out takumi's

of the couch and pulled out takumi's gatorade bottle

gatorade bottle takumi didn't want any either but the

takumi didn't want any either but the colonel just smirked and said

colonel just smirked and said more for me and chugged

37 days after the next wednesday i ran into lara after

the next wednesday i ran into lara after religion class

religion class literally i'd seen her of course i'd

literally i'd seen her of course i'd seen her almost every day

seen her almost every day in english or sitting in the library

in english or sitting in the library whispering to her roommate katie

whispering to her roommate katie i saw her at lunch and dinner at the

i saw her at lunch and dinner at the cafeteria and i probably would have seen

cafeteria and i probably would have seen her at breakfast if i'd ever gotten up

her at breakfast if i'd ever gotten up for it

for it and surely she saw me as well but we

and surely she saw me as well but we hadn't until that morning

hadn't until that morning looked at each other simultaneously by

looked at each other simultaneously by now

now i assumed she'd forgotten me after all

i assumed she'd forgotten me after all we only dated for about a day

we only dated for about a day albeit an eventful one but when i plowed

albeit an eventful one but when i plowed right into her left shoulder as i

right into her left shoulder as i hustled toward pre-calc

hustled toward pre-calc she spun around and looked up at me

she spun around and looked up at me angry and not

angry and not because of the bump i'm sorry i blurted

because of the bump i'm sorry i blurted out and she just squinted at me like

out and she just squinted at me like someone about to either fight or cry

someone about to either fight or cry and disappeared silently into a

and disappeared silently into a classroom

classroom first two words i'd said to her in a

first two words i'd said to her in a month

month i wanted to talk to her i knew i'd been

i wanted to talk to her i knew i'd been awful

awful imagine i kept telling myself if you

imagine i kept telling myself if you were lara with a dead friend and a

were lara with a dead friend and a silent ex-boyfriend

silent ex-boyfriend but i only had room for one true want

but i only had room for one true want and she was dead

and she was dead and i wanted to know the how and why of

and i wanted to know the how and why of it and lara couldn't tell me

it and lara couldn't tell me and that was all that mattered

45 days after for weeks the colonel and i had relied

for weeks the colonel and i had relied on charity to support our cigarette

on charity to support our cigarette habit

habit we'd gotten free or cheap packs from

we'd gotten free or cheap packs from everyone from molly tan

everyone from molly tan to the once crew cutted longwell chase

to the once crew cutted longwell chase it was as if people wanted to help

it was as if people wanted to help and couldn't think of a better way but

and couldn't think of a better way but by the end of february

by the end of february we ran out of charity just as well

we ran out of charity just as well really

really i never felt right taking people's gifts

i never felt right taking people's gifts because they did not

because they did not know that we'd loaded the bullets and

know that we'd loaded the bullets and put the gun in our hand

put the gun in our hand so after our classes takumi drove us to

so after our classes takumi drove us to kusa we cater to your spiritual needs

kusa we cater to your spiritual needs liquors

liquors that afternoon takumi and i had learned

that afternoon takumi and i had learned the disheartening results of our first

the disheartening results of our first major pre-calc test of the semester

major pre-calc test of the semester possibly because alaska was no longer

possibly because alaska was no longer available to teach us pre-calc over a

available to teach us pre-calc over a pile of mcing edible french fries

pile of mcing edible french fries and possibly because neither of us had

and possibly because neither of us had really studied we were both in danger of

really studied we were both in danger of getting progress reports sent home

getting progress reports sent home the thing is that i just don't find

the thing is that i just don't find pre-calc very interesting

pre-calc very interesting takumi said matter-of-factly it might be

takumi said matter-of-factly it might be hard to explain that to the director of

hard to explain that to the director of admissions at harvard

admissions at harvard the colonel responded i don't know i

the colonel responded i don't know i said

said i find it pretty compelling and we

i find it pretty compelling and we laughed

laughed but the laughs drifted into a thick

but the laughs drifted into a thick pervasive silence

pervasive silence and i knew we were all thinking of her

and i knew we were all thinking of her dead and laughless

dead and laughless cold no longer alaska

cold no longer alaska the idea that alaska didn't exist still

the idea that alaska didn't exist still stunned me every time i thought about it

stunned me every time i thought about it she's rotting underground in vine

she's rotting underground in vine station alabama

station alabama i thought but even that wasn't quite it

i thought but even that wasn't quite it her body

her body was there but she was nowhere nothing

was there but she was nowhere nothing poof the times that were the most fun

poof the times that were the most fun seemed always to be followed by sadness

seemed always to be followed by sadness now because it was when life started to

now because it was when life started to feel like it did when she was with us

feel like it did when she was with us that we realized how utterly totally

that we realized how utterly totally gone she was

gone she was i bought the cigarettes i'd never

i bought the cigarettes i'd never entered kusa liquors

entered kusa liquors but it was every bit as desolate as

but it was every bit as desolate as alaska described

alaska described the dusty wooden floor creaked as i made

the dusty wooden floor creaked as i made my way to the counter

my way to the counter and i saw a large barrel filled with

and i saw a large barrel filled with brackish water that purported to contain

brackish water that purported to contain live

live bait but in fact contained a veritable

bait but in fact contained a veritable school of dead

school of dead floating minnows the woman behind the

floating minnows the woman behind the counter smiled at me with all four of

counter smiled at me with all four of her teeth

her teeth when i asked her for a carton of

when i asked her for a carton of marlboro lights

marlboro lights you go to culver creek she asked me and

you go to culver creek she asked me and i did not know whether to respond

i did not know whether to respond truthfully

truthfully since no high school student was likely

since no high school student was likely to be 19

to be 19 but she grabbed the carton of cigarettes

but she grabbed the carton of cigarettes from beneath her and put it on the

from beneath her and put it on the counter without asking for an id

counter without asking for an id so i said yes ma'am has school

so i said yes ma'am has school she asked pretty good i answered heard

she asked pretty good i answered heard y'all had a death up there

y'all had a death up there yes some i say eyes awful sorry to hear

yes some i say eyes awful sorry to hear it

it yes i'm the woman whose name i did not

yes i'm the woman whose name i did not know because this was not the sort of

know because this was not the sort of commercial establishment to waste money

commercial establishment to waste money on name tags

on name tags had one long white hair growing from a

had one long white hair growing from a mole on her left cheek

mole on her left cheek it wasn't disgusting exactly but i

it wasn't disgusting exactly but i couldn't stop glancing at it and then

couldn't stop glancing at it and then looking away

looking away back in the car i handed a pack of

back in the car i handed a pack of cigarettes to the colonel

cigarettes to the colonel we rolled down the windows although the

we rolled down the windows although the february cold bit at my face

february cold bit at my face and the loud wind made conversation

and the loud wind made conversation impossible

impossible i sat in my quarter of the car and

i sat in my quarter of the car and smoked wondering

smoked wondering why the old woman at cusa liquors didn't

why the old woman at cusa liquors didn't just pull that one hair out of her mole

just pull that one hair out of her mole the wind blew through takumi's rolled

the wind blew through takumi's rolled down window in front of me and against

down window in front of me and against my face

my face i scooted to the middle of the back seat

i scooted to the middle of the back seat and looked up at the colonel sitting

and looked up at the colonel sitting shotgun

shotgun smiling his face turned to the wind

smiling his face turned to the wind blowing in through his window

i didn't want to talk to lara but the next day at lunch

next day at lunch takumi pulled the ultimate guilt trip

takumi pulled the ultimate guilt trip how do you think alaska would feel about

how do you think alaska would feel about this he asked as he stared across

this he asked as he stared across the cafeteria at lara

the cafeteria at lara she was sitting three tables away from

she was sitting three tables away from us with her roommate katie

us with her roommate katie who was telling some story and laura

who was telling some story and laura smiled whenever katie laughed at one of

smiled whenever katie laughed at one of her own jokes

her own jokes lara scooped up a fork full of canned

lara scooped up a fork full of canned corn and held it above her plate

corn and held it above her plate moving her mouth to it and bowing her

moving her mouth to it and bowing her head toward her lap as she took the bite

head toward her lap as she took the bite from the fork

from the fork a quiet eater she could talk to me

a quiet eater she could talk to me i told takumi takumi shook his head

i told takumi takumi shook his head his open mouth gooey with mashed

his open mouth gooey with mashed potatoes he said

potatoes he said yeah he swallowed

yeah he swallowed let me ask you a question pudge when

let me ask you a question pudge when you're old and gray and your

you're old and gray and your grandchildren are sitting on your knee

grandchildren are sitting on your knee and look up at you and say grandpappy

and look up at you and say grandpappy who gave you your first

who gave you your first do you want to have to tell them it was

do you want to have to tell them it was some girl you spent the rest of high

some girl you spent the rest of high school ignoring

school ignoring no he smiled you want to say my dear

no he smiled you want to say my dear friend

friend lara buruskaya lovely girl prettier than

lara buruskaya lovely girl prettier than your grandma by a wide margin

your grandma by a wide margin i laughed so yeah okay

i laughed so yeah okay i had to talk to lara after classes

i had to talk to lara after classes i walked over to lara's room and knocked

i walked over to lara's room and knocked and

and then she stood in the doorway looking

then she stood in the doorway looking like what

like what what now you've done the damage you

what now you've done the damage you could pudge

could pudge and i looked past her into the room i'd

and i looked past her into the room i'd only entered once

only entered once where i learned that kissing or no i

where i learned that kissing or no i couldn't talk to her

couldn't talk to her and before the silence could get too

and before the silence could get too uncomfortable i talked

uncomfortable i talked i'm sorry i said for what

i'm sorry i said for what she asked still looking toward me but

she asked still looking toward me but not quite at me

not quite at me for ignoring you for everything i said

for ignoring you for everything i said you didn't have to be my boyfriend

you didn't have to be my boyfriend she looked so pretty her big eyes

she looked so pretty her big eyes blinking fast

blinking fast her cheeks soft and round and still the

her cheeks soft and round and still the roundness could only remind me of

roundness could only remind me of alaska's

alaska's thin face and her high cheekbones but i

thin face and her high cheekbones but i could live with it and anyway

could live with it and anyway i had to you could have just

i had to you could have just been my friend she said i know

been my friend she said i know i screwed up i'm sorry

i screwed up i'm sorry don't forget that katie cried

don't forget that katie cried from inside the room

from inside the room i forgive you lara smiled and hugged me

i forgive you lara smiled and hugged me her hands tight around the small of my

her hands tight around the small of my back i wrapped my arms around her

back i wrapped my arms around her shoulders

shoulders and smelled violets in her hair i

and smelled violets in her hair i don't forgive you katie said appearing

don't forgive you katie said appearing in the doorway

in the doorway and although katie and i were not well

and although katie and i were not well acquainted she felt comfortable enough

acquainted she felt comfortable enough to

to knee me in the balls she smiled then

knee me in the balls she smiled then and as i crumpled into a bow katie said

and as i crumpled into a bow katie said now i forgive you

now i forgive you lara and i took a walk to the lake sans

lara and i took a walk to the lake sans katie

katie and we talked we talked about alaska and

and we talked we talked about alaska and about the past month

about the past month about how she had to miss me and miss

about how she had to miss me and miss alaska while i only had to miss alaska

alaska while i only had to miss alaska which was true enough

which was true enough i told her as much of the truth as i

i told her as much of the truth as i could from the firecrackers to the

could from the firecrackers to the pelham police department and the white

pelham police department and the white tulips

tulips i loved her i said and laura said she

i loved her i said and laura said she loved her too

loved her too and i said i know but that's why

and i said i know but that's why i loved her and after she died i

i loved her and after she died i couldn't think about anything else

couldn't think about anything else it felt like dishonest like cheating

it felt like dishonest like cheating that's not a good reason she said

that's not a good reason she said i know i answered she laughed softly

i know i answered she laughed softly well good then as long as you know

well good then as long as you know i knew i wasn't going to erase that

i knew i wasn't going to erase that anger but we were

anger but we were talking as darkness spread that evening

talking as darkness spread that evening the frogs croaked and a few newly

the frogs croaked and a few newly resurrected insects buzzed about campus

resurrected insects buzzed about campus and the four of us takumi lara the

and the four of us takumi lara the colonel and i walked through the cold

colonel and i walked through the cold grey light of a full moon to the smoking

grey light of a full moon to the smoking hole

hole hey colonel why do you call it the

hey colonel why do you call it the smoking hole

smoking hole lara asked it's like a tunnel

lara asked it's like a tunnel it's like a fishing hole the colonel

it's like a fishing hole the colonel said like

said like if we fished we'd fish here but we smoke

if we fished we'd fish here but we smoke i don't know i think alaska named it the

i don't know i think alaska named it the colonel pulled a cigarette out of his

colonel pulled a cigarette out of his pack and threw it into the water

pack and threw it into the water what the hell i asked for her

what the hell i asked for her he said i half smiled and followed his

he said i half smiled and followed his lead

lead throwing in a cigarette of my own i

throwing in a cigarette of my own i handed takumi and lara cigarettes and

handed takumi and lara cigarettes and they followed suit

they followed suit the smokes bounced and danced in the

the smokes bounced and danced in the stream for a few moments

stream for a few moments and then they floated out of sight i was

and then they floated out of sight i was not religious but i liked rituals

not religious but i liked rituals i liked the idea of connecting an action

i liked the idea of connecting an action with remembering

with remembering in china the old man had told us there

in china the old man had told us there are days reserved for grave cleaning

are days reserved for grave cleaning where you make gifts to the dead and i

where you make gifts to the dead and i imagine that alaska would want to smoke

imagine that alaska would want to smoke and so it seemed to me that the colonel

and so it seemed to me that the colonel had begun an excellent ritual

had begun an excellent ritual the colonel spit into the stream and

the colonel spit into the stream and broke the silence

broke the silence funny thing talking to ghosts he said

funny thing talking to ghosts he said you can't tell if you're making up their

you can't tell if you're making up their answers

answers or if they're really talking to you

or if they're really talking to you i say we make a list takumi said

i say we make a list takumi said steering clear of introspective talk

steering clear of introspective talk what kind of proof do we have of suicide

what kind of proof do we have of suicide the colonel pulled out his omnipresent

the colonel pulled out his omnipresent notebook

notebook she never hit the breaks i said and the

she never hit the breaks i said and the colonel started scribbling

colonel started scribbling and she was awfully upset about

and she was awfully upset about something although she'd been awfully

something although she'd been awfully upset without committing suicide many

upset without committing suicide many times before

times before we considered that maybe the flowers

we considered that maybe the flowers were some kind of memorial to herself

were some kind of memorial to herself like a funeral arrangement or something

like a funeral arrangement or something but that didn't seem very alaskan to us

but that didn't seem very alaskan to us she was cryptic sure but if you're going

she was cryptic sure but if you're going to plan your suicide down to the flowers

to plan your suicide down to the flowers you probably have a plan as to how

you probably have a plan as to how you're actually going to die

you're actually going to die and alaska had no way of knowing a

and alaska had no way of knowing a police car was going to present itself

police car was going to present itself on i-65 for the occasion

on i-65 for the occasion and the evidence suggesting an accident

and the evidence suggesting an accident she was really drunk so she could have

she was really drunk so she could have thought she wasn't going to hit the cop

thought she wasn't going to hit the cop although i don't know how takumi said

although i don't know how takumi said she could have fallen asleep lara

she could have fallen asleep lara offered

offered yeah we've thought about that i said but

yeah we've thought about that i said but i don't think you keep driving straight

i don't think you keep driving straight if you fall asleep

if you fall asleep i can't think of a way to find out that

i can't think of a way to find out that does not put our lives in considerable

does not put our lives in considerable danger

danger the colonel deadpan anyway she didn't

the colonel deadpan anyway she didn't show

show warning signs of suicide i mean she

warning signs of suicide i mean she didn't talk about wanting to die or give

didn't talk about wanting to die or give away her stuff or anything

away her stuff or anything that's too drunk and no plans to die

that's too drunk and no plans to die takumi said this wasn't going anywhere

takumi said this wasn't going anywhere just a different dance with the same

just a different dance with the same question what we needed wasn't more

question what we needed wasn't more thinking

thinking we needed more evidence we have to find

we needed more evidence we have to find out where she was going

out where she was going the colonel said the last people she

the colonel said the last people she talked to were me

talked to were me you and jake i said to him and we don't

you and jake i said to him and we don't know

know so how the hell are we going to find out

so how the hell are we going to find out takumi looked over at the colonel inside

takumi looked over at the colonel inside i don't think it would help to know

i don't think it would help to know where she was going

where she was going i think that would make it worse for us

i think that would make it worse for us just a gut feeling

just a gut feeling well my gut wants to know laura said

well my gut wants to know laura said and only then did i realize what takumi

and only then did i realize what takumi meant the day we'd showered together

meant the day we'd showered together i may have kissed her but i really

i may have kissed her but i really didn't have a monopoly on alaska

didn't have a monopoly on alaska the colonel and i weren't the only ones

the colonel and i weren't the only ones who cared about her

who cared about her and weren't alone in trying to figure

and weren't alone in trying to figure out how she died

out how she died and why well regardless said the colonel

and why well regardless said the colonel we're at a dead end so one of you think

we're at a dead end so one of you think of something to do because i'm out of

of something to do because i'm out of investigative tools

investigative tools he flicked his cigarette butt into the

he flicked his cigarette butt into the creek stood up and left

creek stood up and left we followed him even in defeat he was

we followed him even in defeat he was still the colonel

still the colonel 51 days after the investigation stalled

51 days after the investigation stalled i took to reading for religion class

i took to reading for religion class again which seemed to please the old man

again which seemed to please the old man whose pop quizzes i'd been failing

whose pop quizzes i'd been failing consistently for a solid six weeks

consistently for a solid six weeks we had one that wednesday morning share

we had one that wednesday morning share an example of a buddhist

an example of a buddhist cohen a cohen is like a riddle that's

cohen a cohen is like a riddle that's supposed to help you toward

supposed to help you toward enlightenment in zen buddhism

enlightenment in zen buddhism for my answer i wrote about this guy

for my answer i wrote about this guy banzan

banzan he was walking through the market one

he was walking through the market one day when he overheard someone ask a

day when he overheard someone ask a butcher for his best piece of meat

butcher for his best piece of meat the butcher answered everything in my

the butcher answered everything in my shop is the best

shop is the best you cannot find a piece of meat that is

you cannot find a piece of meat that is not the best

not the best upon hearing this banzan realized that

upon hearing this banzan realized that there is no best and no worst

there is no best and no worst that those judgments have no real

that those judgments have no real meaning because there is only what

meaning because there is only what is and poof he reached enlightenment

is and poof he reached enlightenment reading it the night before i'd wondered

reading it the night before i'd wondered if it would be like that

if it would be like that for me if in one moment i would finally

for me if in one moment i would finally understand her

understand her know her and understand the role i'd

know her and understand the role i'd played in her dying

played in her dying but i wasn't convinced enlightenment

but i wasn't convinced enlightenment struck like lightning

struck like lightning after we'd passed our quizzes the old

after we'd passed our quizzes the old man sitting

man sitting grabbed his cane and motioned toward

grabbed his cane and motioned toward alaska's fading question on the

alaska's fading question on the blackboard

blackboard let's look at one sentence on page 94

let's look at one sentence on page 94 of this very entertaining introduction

of this very entertaining introduction to zen

to zen that i had you read this week everything

that i had you read this week everything that comes together

that comes together falls apart the old man said

falls apart the old man said everything the chair i'm sitting on

everything the chair i'm sitting on it was built and so it will fall apart

it was built and so it will fall apart i'm going to fall apart probably before

i'm going to fall apart probably before this chair

this chair and you're going to fall apart the cells

and you're going to fall apart the cells and organs and systems that make you

and organs and systems that make you you they came together grew together

you they came together grew together and so must fall apart the buddha

and so must fall apart the buddha knew one thing science didn't prove for

knew one thing science didn't prove for millennia after his death

millennia after his death entropy increases things

entropy increases things fall apart we are

fall apart we are all going i thought and it applies to

all going i thought and it applies to turtles and turtlenecks

turtles and turtlenecks alaska the girl and the last of the

alaska the girl and the last of the place because nothing can last

place because nothing can last not even the earth itself the buddha

not even the earth itself the buddha said that suffering was caused by desire

said that suffering was caused by desire we'd learned

we'd learned and that the cessation of desire meant

and that the cessation of desire meant the cessation of suffering

the cessation of suffering when you stopped wishing things wouldn't

when you stopped wishing things wouldn't fall apart you'd stop

fall apart you'd stop suffering when they did someday

suffering when they did someday no one will remember that she ever

no one will remember that she ever existed i wrote in my notebook

existed i wrote in my notebook and then or that i did because memories

and then or that i did because memories fall apart too

fall apart too and then you're left with nothing left

and then you're left with nothing left not even with a ghost but with its

not even with a ghost but with its shadow

shadow in the beginning she had haunted me

in the beginning she had haunted me haunted my dreams

haunted my dreams but even now just weeks later she was

but even now just weeks later she was slipping away

slipping away falling apart in my memory and everyone

falling apart in my memory and everyone else's dying again

else's dying again the colonel who had driven the

the colonel who had driven the investigation from the start who had

investigation from the start who had cared about what happened to her when i

cared about what happened to her when i only cared if she loved me

only cared if she loved me had given up on it answerless and i

had given up on it answerless and i didn't like what answers i had

didn't like what answers i had she hadn't even cared enough about what

she hadn't even cared enough about what happened between us to tell jake

happened between us to tell jake instead she had just talked cute with

instead she had just talked cute with him giving

him giving him no reason to think that minutes

him no reason to think that minutes before i'd tasted her boozy breath

before i'd tasted her boozy breath and then something invisible snapped

and then something invisible snapped inside her

inside her and that which had come together

and that which had come together commenced to fall apart

commenced to fall apart and maybe that was the only answer we'd

and maybe that was the only answer we'd ever have she fell apart because

ever have she fell apart because that's what happens the colonel seemed

that's what happens the colonel seemed resigned to that

resigned to that but if the investigation had once been

but if the investigation had once been his idea

his idea it was now the thing that held me

it was now the thing that held me together and i still hoped for

together and i still hoped for enlightenment

62 days after the next sunday i slept in until the

the next sunday i slept in until the late morning sunlight slivered through

late morning sunlight slivered through the blinds and found its way to my face

the blinds and found its way to my face i pulled the comforter over my head but

i pulled the comforter over my head but the air got hot and stale

the air got hot and stale so i got up to call my parents miles

so i got up to call my parents miles my mom said before i even said hello we

my mom said before i even said hello we just got caller identification

just got caller identification does it magically know it's me calling

does it magically know it's me calling from the pay phone

from the pay phone she laughed no it just says pay phone in

she laughed no it just says pay phone in the area code so i deduced

the area code so i deduced how are you she asked a warm concern in

how are you she asked a warm concern in her voice

her voice i'm doing okay i kinda screwed up some

i'm doing okay i kinda screwed up some of my classes for a while but i'm back

of my classes for a while but i'm back to studying now so it should be fine

to studying now so it should be fine i said and that was mostly true i know

i said and that was mostly true i know it's been hard on you buddy

it's been hard on you buddy she said oh guess who your dad and i saw

she said oh guess who your dad and i saw at a party last night

at a party last night mrs forrester your fourth grade teacher

mrs forrester your fourth grade teacher remember

remember she remembered you perfectly and spoke

she remembered you perfectly and spoke very highly of you

very highly of you and we just talked and while i was

and we just talked and while i was pleased to know that mrs forrester held

pleased to know that mrs forrester held my fourth grade self in high regard

my fourth grade self in high regard i only half listened as i read the

i only half listened as i read the scribbled notes on the white painted

scribbled notes on the white painted pine wall on either side of the phone

pine wall on either side of the phone looking for any new ones i might be able

looking for any new ones i might be able to decode

to decode lacy's friday 10 were the when and where

lacy's friday 10 were the when and where of a weekday warrior party i figured

of a weekday warrior party i figured and we had lunch with the johnstons last

and we had lunch with the johnstons last night and i'm afraid that dad had too

night and i'm afraid that dad had too much

much wine we played charades and he was just

wine we played charades and he was just awful

awful she laughed and i felt so tired but

she laughed and i felt so tired but someone had dragged the bench away from

someone had dragged the bench away from the pay phone

the pay phone so i sat my bony butt down on the hard

so i sat my bony butt down on the hard concrete pulling the silver cord of the

concrete pulling the silver cord of the phone taught

phone taught and preparing for a serious soliloquy

and preparing for a serious soliloquy from my mom

from my mom and then down below all the other notes

and then down below all the other notes and scribbles i saw a drawing of a

and scribbles i saw a drawing of a flower

flower 12 oblong petals around a filled in

12 oblong petals around a filled in circle against the daisy white paint

circle against the daisy white paint and daisies white daisies and i could

and daisies white daisies and i could hear her saying

hear her saying what do you see pudge look and i could

what do you see pudge look and i could see her sitting drunk on the phone

see her sitting drunk on the phone with jake talking about nothing and what

with jake talking about nothing and what are you doing

are you doing and she says nothing just doodling

and she says nothing just doodling just doodling and then

just doodling and then oh god miles

oh god miles yeah sorry mom sorry chips here

yeah sorry mom sorry chips here we gotta go study i gotta go will you

we gotta go study i gotta go will you call us later then i'm sure dad wants to

call us later then i'm sure dad wants to talk to you

talk to you yeah mom yeah of course i love you okay

yeah mom yeah of course i love you okay okay i gotta go i think i found

okay i gotta go i think i found something i shouted at the colonel

something i shouted at the colonel invisible beneath his blanket

invisible beneath his blanket but the urgency in my voice and the

but the urgency in my voice and the promise of something anything

promise of something anything found woke the colonel up instantly and

found woke the colonel up instantly and he jumped from his bunk to the linoleum

he jumped from his bunk to the linoleum before i could say anything he grabbed

before i could say anything he grabbed yesterday's jeans and sweatshirt from

yesterday's jeans and sweatshirt from the floor

the floor pulled them on and followed me outside

pulled them on and followed me outside look

look i pointed and he squatted down beside

i pointed and he squatted down beside the phone and said

the phone and said yeah she drew that she was always

yeah she drew that she was always doodling those flowers

doodling those flowers and just doodling remember jake asked

and just doodling remember jake asked her what she was doing and she said

her what she was doing and she said just doodling and then she said oh god

just doodling and then she said oh god and freaked out

and freaked out she looked at the doodle and remembered

she looked at the doodle and remembered something

something good memory pudge he acknowledged and i

good memory pudge he acknowledged and i wondered why the colonel wouldn't just

wondered why the colonel wouldn't just get excited about it

get excited about it and then she freaked out i repeated and

and then she freaked out i repeated and went and got the tulips while we were

went and got the tulips while we were getting the fireworks

getting the fireworks she saw the doodle remembered whatever

she saw the doodle remembered whatever she'd forgotten and then freaked out

she'd forgotten and then freaked out maybe he said still staring at the

maybe he said still staring at the flower

flower trying perhaps to see it as she had he

trying perhaps to see it as she had he stood up finally and said

stood up finally and said it's a solid theory pudge and reached up

it's a solid theory pudge and reached up and patted my shoulder

and patted my shoulder like a coach complimenting a player but

like a coach complimenting a player but we still don't know

we still don't know what she forgot

69 days after a week after the discovery of the doodle flower

of the doodle flower i'd resigned myself to its

i'd resigned myself to its insignificance i wasn't

insignificance i wasn't banzan in the meat market after all and

banzan in the meat market after all and as the maples around campus

as the maples around campus began to hint of resurrection and the

began to hint of resurrection and the maintenance crew began mowing the grass

maintenance crew began mowing the grass in the dorm circle again

in the dorm circle again it seemed to me we had finally lost her

it seemed to me we had finally lost her the colonel and i walked into the woods

the colonel and i walked into the woods down by the lake that afternoon

down by the lake that afternoon and smoked a cigarette in the precise

and smoked a cigarette in the precise spot where the eagle had caught us so

spot where the eagle had caught us so many months before

many months before we'd just come from a town meeting where

we'd just come from a town meeting where the eagle announced that the school was

the eagle announced that the school was going to build a playground by the lake

going to build a playground by the lake in memory of alaska she did like swings

in memory of alaska she did like swings i guess but

i guess but a playground lara stood up at the

a playground lara stood up at the meeting

meeting surely a first for her and said they

surely a first for her and said they should do something funnier

should do something funnier something alaska herself would have done

something alaska herself would have done now by the lake

now by the lake sitting on a mossy half rotten log the

sitting on a mossy half rotten log the colonel said to me

colonel said to me lara was right we should do something

lara was right we should do something for her

for her a prank something she would have loved

a prank something she would have loved like a memorial prank exactly

like a memorial prank exactly the alaska young memorial prank we can

the alaska young memorial prank we can make it an annual event

make it an annual event anyway she came up with this idea last

anyway she came up with this idea last year

year but she wanted to save it to be our

but she wanted to save it to be our senior prank but it's good

senior prank but it's good it's really good it's historic

it's really good it's historic are you gonna tell me i asked thinking

are you gonna tell me i asked thinking back to the time when he in alaska had

back to the time when he in alaska had left me out of prank planning for barn

left me out of prank planning for barn night

night sure he said the prank is entitled

sure he said the prank is entitled subverting the patriarchal paradigm

subverting the patriarchal paradigm and he told me and i have to say alaska

and he told me and i have to say alaska left us

left us with the crown jewel of pranks the mona

with the crown jewel of pranks the mona lisa of high school hilarity

lisa of high school hilarity the culmination of generations of culver

the culmination of generations of culver creek pranking

creek pranking and if the colonel could pull it off it

and if the colonel could pull it off it would be etched in the memory of

would be etched in the memory of everyone at the creek

everyone at the creek and alaska deserved nothing less best of

and alaska deserved nothing less best of all

all it did not technically involve any

it did not technically involve any expellable offenses

expellable offenses the colonel got up and dusted the dirt

the colonel got up and dusted the dirt and moss off his pants

and moss off his pants i think we owe her that and i agreed

i think we owe her that and i agreed but still she owed us an explanation

but still she owed us an explanation if she was up there down there out there

if she was up there down there out there somewhere

somewhere maybe she would laugh and maybe just

maybe she would laugh and maybe just maybe

maybe she would give us the clue we needed

83 days after two weeks later the colonel returned

two weeks later the colonel returned from spring break with two notebooks

from spring break with two notebooks filled with the minutia of prank

filled with the minutia of prank planning

planning sketches of various locations and a

sketches of various locations and a forty page two column list of

forty page two column list of problems that might crop up and their

problems that might crop up and their solutions

solutions he calculated all times to a tenth of a

he calculated all times to a tenth of a second and all distances to the inch

second and all distances to the inch and then he recalculated as if he could

and then he recalculated as if he could not bear the thought of failing her

not bear the thought of failing her again

again and then on that sunday the colonel woke

and then on that sunday the colonel woke up late and rolled over

up late and rolled over i was reading the sound and the fury

i was reading the sound and the fury which i was supposed to have read in mid

which i was supposed to have read in mid february

february and i looked up as i heard the rustling

and i looked up as i heard the rustling in the bed

in the bed and the colonel said let's get the band

and the colonel said let's get the band back together

back together and so i ventured out into the overcast

and so i ventured out into the overcast spring and woke up

spring and woke up lara and takumi and brought them back to

lara and takumi and brought them back to room 43

room 43 the barn knight crew was intact or as

the barn knight crew was intact or as close as it ever would be

close as it ever would be for the alaska young memorial prank

for the alaska young memorial prank the three of us sat on the couch while

the three of us sat on the couch while the colonel stood in front of us

the colonel stood in front of us outlining the plan and our parts in it

outlining the plan and our parts in it with an excitement i hadn't seen in him

with an excitement i hadn't seen in him since

since before when he finished he asked any

before when he finished he asked any questions

questions yeah takumi said is that seriously gonna

yeah takumi said is that seriously gonna work well

work well first we gotta find a stripper and

first we gotta find a stripper and second pudge has to work some magic with

second pudge has to work some magic with his dad

his dad all right then takumi said let's get to

all right then takumi said let's get to work

84 days after every spring culver creek took one friday afternoon

culver creek took one friday afternoon off from classes

off from classes and all the students faculty and staff

and all the students faculty and staff were required to go to the gym

were required to go to the gym for speaker day speaker day featured two

for speaker day speaker day featured two speakers

speakers usually small-time celebrities or

usually small-time celebrities or small-time politicians or small-time

small-time politicians or small-time academics

academics the kind of people who would come and

the kind of people who would come and speak at a school for the measly three

speak at a school for the measly three hundred bucks the school budgeted

hundred bucks the school budgeted the junior class picked the first

the junior class picked the first speaker and the seniors the second

speaker and the seniors the second and anyone who had ever attended a

and anyone who had ever attended a speaker day agreed that they were

speaker day agreed that they were torturously boring we planned to shake

torturously boring we planned to shake speaker day

speaker day up a bit all we needed to do was to

up a bit all we needed to do was to convince the eagle to let dr william

convince the eagle to let dr william morse a friend of my dad's and a

morse a friend of my dad's and a preeminent scholar of deviant sexuality

preeminent scholar of deviant sexuality and adolescence

and adolescence be the junior classes speaker so i

be the junior classes speaker so i called my dad at work and his secretary

called my dad at work and his secretary paul asked me if everything was all

paul asked me if everything was all right and i wondered why everyone

right and i wondered why everyone everyone asked me if everything was all

everyone asked me if everything was all right when i called at any time other

right when i called at any time other than sunday morning

than sunday morning yeah i'm fine my dad picked up

yeah i'm fine my dad picked up hey miles is everything all right i

hey miles is everything all right i laughed and spoke quietly into the phone

laughed and spoke quietly into the phone since people were milling about yeah dad

since people were milling about yeah dad everything is fine hey remember when you

everything is fine hey remember when you stole the school bell and buried it in

stole the school bell and buried it in the cemetery

the cemetery greatest culver creek prank ever he

greatest culver creek prank ever he responded proudly

responded proudly it was dad it was so

it was dad it was so listen i wonder if you'd help out with

listen i wonder if you'd help out with the new greatest culver creek prank

the new greatest culver creek prank ever oh i don't know about that

ever oh i don't know about that miles i don't want you getting in any

miles i don't want you getting in any trouble well

trouble well i won't the whole junior class is

i won't the whole junior class is planning it

planning it and it's not like anyone is going to get

and it's not like anyone is going to get hurt or anything because

hurt or anything because well remember speaker day god that was

well remember speaker day god that was boring

boring that was almost worse than class yeah

that was almost worse than class yeah well

well i need you to pretend to be our speaker

i need you to pretend to be our speaker dr william morse a professor of

dr william morse a professor of psychology at the university of central

psychology at the university of central florida

florida and an expert in adolescent

and an expert in adolescent understandings of sexuality

understandings of sexuality he was quiet for a long time and i

he was quiet for a long time and i looked down at alaska's last

looked down at alaska's last daisy and waited for him to ask what the

daisy and waited for him to ask what the prank was

prank was and i would have told him but i just

and i would have told him but i just heard him breathe slowly into the phone

heard him breathe slowly into the phone and then he said i won't even ask

and then he said i won't even ask hmm he sighed swear to god you'll never

hmm he sighed swear to god you'll never tell your mother

tell your mother i swear to god i paused it took me a

i swear to god i paused it took me a second to remember the eagle's real name

second to remember the eagle's real name mr starnes is going to call you in about

mr starnes is going to call you in about 10 minutes

10 minutes okay my name is dr william morse and

okay my name is dr william morse and i'm a psychology professor and

i'm a psychology professor and adolescent sexuality yep you're the best

adolescent sexuality yep you're the best dad

dad i just want to see if you can top me he

i just want to see if you can top me he said laughing

said laughing although it killed the colonel to do it

although it killed the colonel to do it the prank could not work without the

the prank could not work without the assistance of the weekday warriors

assistance of the weekday warriors specifically junior class president

specifically junior class president longwell chase

longwell chase who by now had grown his silly surfer

who by now had grown his silly surfer mop back

mop back but the warriors loved the idea so i met

but the warriors loved the idea so i met longwell in his room

longwell in his room and said let's go longwell chase and i

and said let's go longwell chase and i had nothing to talk about and no desire

had nothing to talk about and no desire to pretend otherwise

to pretend otherwise so we walked silently to the eagles

so we walked silently to the eagles house the eagle came to the door before

house the eagle came to the door before we even

we even knocked he cocked his head a little when

knocked he cocked his head a little when he saw us looking confused and indeed we

he saw us looking confused and indeed we made an

made an odd couple with long wells pressed and

odd couple with long wells pressed and pleated khaki pants

pleated khaki pants and my i keep meaning to do the laundry

and my i keep meaning to do the laundry blue jeans

blue jeans the speaker we picked is a friend of

the speaker we picked is a friend of miles's dad

miles's dad long well said dr william morse he's a

long well said dr william morse he's a professor at a university down in

professor at a university down in florida and he studies adolescent

florida and he studies adolescent sexuality

sexuality aiming for controversy are we oh no

aiming for controversy are we oh no i said i've met dr morse he's

i said i've met dr morse he's interesting but he's not controversial

interesting but he's not controversial he just studies the uh the way that

he just studies the uh the way that adolescents understanding of sex is

adolescents understanding of sex is still changing and growing

still changing and growing i mean he's opposed to premarital sex

i mean he's opposed to premarital sex well

well what's his phone number i gave the eagle

what's his phone number i gave the eagle a piece of paper

a piece of paper and he walked to a phone on the wall and

and he walked to a phone on the wall and dialed

dialed yes hello i'm calling to speak with dr

yes hello i'm calling to speak with dr morse

morse okay thanks hello dr morse

okay thanks hello dr morse i have miles halter here in my home and

i have miles halter here in my home and he tells me

he tells me great wonderful well i was wondering

great wonderful well i was wondering the eagle paused twisting the cord

the eagle paused twisting the cord around his finger

around his finger wondering i guess whether you just so

wondering i guess whether you just so long as you understand that these are

long as you understand that these are impressionable young people we wouldn't

impressionable young people we wouldn't want explicit discussions

want explicit discussions excellent excellent i'm glad you

excellent excellent i'm glad you understand

understand you too sir see you soon

you too sir see you soon the eagle hung up the phone smiling and

the eagle hung up the phone smiling and said good

said good choice he seems like a very interesting

choice he seems like a very interesting man

man oh yeah longwell said very seriously

oh yeah longwell said very seriously i think he will be extraordinarily

i think he will be extraordinarily interesting

my father played dr william morse on the phone but the man playing him in real

phone but the man playing him in real life

life went by the name of max with two exes

went by the name of max with two exes except that his name was actually stan

except that his name was actually stan except on speaker day his name was

except on speaker day his name was obviously dr william morse

obviously dr william morse he was a veritable existential identity

he was a veritable existential identity crisis

crisis a male stripper with more aliases than a

a male stripper with more aliases than a covert

covert cia agent the first four

cia agent the first four agencies the colonel called turned us

agencies the colonel called turned us down it wasn't until we got to the bees

down it wasn't until we got to the bees in the entertainment section of the

in the entertainment section of the yellow pages

yellow pages that we found bachelorette parties are

that we found bachelorette parties are us

us the owner of the aforementioned

the owner of the aforementioned establishment liked the idea a great

establishment liked the idea a great deal

deal but he said max is going to love that

but he said max is going to love that but no nudity not in front of the kids

but no nudity not in front of the kids we agreed with some reluctance

we agreed with some reluctance to ensure that none of us would get

to ensure that none of us would get expelled takumi and i collected five

expelled takumi and i collected five dollars from every junior at culver

dollars from every junior at culver creek to cover dr william morse's

creek to cover dr william morse's appearance fee

appearance fee since we doubted the eagle would be keen

since we doubted the eagle would be keen on paying him after witnessing the uh

on paying him after witnessing the uh speech i paid the colonels five bucks

speech i paid the colonels five bucks i feel that i have earned your charity

i feel that i have earned your charity he said

he said gesturing to the spiral notebooks he'd

gesturing to the spiral notebooks he'd filled with plans

filled with plans as i sat through my classes that morning

as i sat through my classes that morning i could think of nothing else

i could think of nothing else every junior in the school had known for

every junior in the school had known for two weeks and so far not even the

two weeks and so far not even the faintest rumor had leaked out

faintest rumor had leaked out but the creek was rife with gossips

but the creek was rife with gossips particularly the weekday warriors

particularly the weekday warriors and if just one person told one friend

and if just one person told one friend who told one friend who told one friend

who told one friend who told one friend who told the eagle

who told the eagle everything would fall apart

the creeks don't rat ethos withstood the test

test nicely but when max stan dr morse didn't

nicely but when max stan dr morse didn't show up by 11

show up by 11 50 that morning i thought the colonel

50 that morning i thought the colonel would lose his

would lose his he sat on the bumper of a car in the

he sat on the bumper of a car in the student parking lot his head bowed his

student parking lot his head bowed his hands running through his thick mop of

hands running through his thick mop of dark hair

dark hair over and over again as if he were trying

over and over again as if he were trying to find something in there

to find something in there max had promised to arrive by 11 40 20

max had promised to arrive by 11 40 20 minutes before the official start of

minutes before the official start of speaker day

speaker day giving him time to learn the speech and

giving him time to learn the speech and everything i stood next to the colonel

everything i stood next to the colonel worried but quiet waiting we'd sent

worried but quiet waiting we'd sent takumi to call

takumi to call the agency and learn the whereabouts of

the agency and learn the whereabouts of the performer

the performer of all the things i thought could go

of all the things i thought could go wrong this was not

wrong this was not one of them we have no solution for this

one of them we have no solution for this takumi ran up careful not to speak to us

takumi ran up careful not to speak to us until he was near

until he was near kids were starting to file into the gym

kids were starting to file into the gym late

late late late late we asked so little of our

late late late we asked so little of our performer really

performer really we had written his speech we had planned

we had written his speech we had planned everything for him

everything for him all max had to do was show up with his

all max had to do was show up with his outfit on and yet

outfit on and yet the agency said takumi says the

the agency said takumi says the performer is on his way

performer is on his way on his way the colonel said clawing at

on his way the colonel said clawing at his hair with a new vigor

his hair with a new vigor on his way he's already laid they said

on his way he's already laid they said he should be and then suddenly our

he should be and then suddenly our worries disappeared

worries disappeared as a blue minivan rounded the corner

as a blue minivan rounded the corner toward the parking lot

toward the parking lot and i saw a man inside wearing a suit

and i saw a man inside wearing a suit that had better be max the colonel said

that had better be max the colonel said as the car parked

as the car parked he jogged up to the front door and max

he jogged up to the front door and max the guy said upon opening the door i am

the guy said upon opening the door i am a nameless and faceless representative

a nameless and faceless representative of the junior class

of the junior class the colonel answered shaking max's hand

the colonel answered shaking max's hand he was

he was 30-ish tan and wide-shouldered with a

30-ish tan and wide-shouldered with a strong jaw

strong jaw and a dark close-cropped goatee we gave

and a dark close-cropped goatee we gave max a copy of his speech and he read

max a copy of his speech and he read through it quickly

through it quickly any questions i asked uh yeah

any questions i asked uh yeah given the nature of this event i think

given the nature of this event i think y'all should pay me in advance

y'all should pay me in advance he struck me as very articulate even

he struck me as very articulate even professorial and i felt a supreme

professorial and i felt a supreme confidence as if alaska had found the

confidence as if alaska had found the best male stripper in central alabama

best male stripper in central alabama and let us write to him

and let us write to him takumi popped the trunk of his suv and

takumi popped the trunk of his suv and grabbed a paper grocery bag with three

grabbed a paper grocery bag with three hundred twenty dollars in it

hundred twenty dollars in it here you go max he said okay pudge here

here you go max he said okay pudge here is gonna sit down there with you

is gonna sit down there with you because you are friends with pudgy's dad

because you are friends with pudgy's dad that's in the speech

that's in the speech but uh we're hoping that if you get

but uh we're hoping that if you get interrogated when this is all over

interrogated when this is all over you can find it in your heart to say

you can find it in your heart to say that the whole junior class

that the whole junior class called on a conference call to hire you

called on a conference call to hire you because we wouldn't want pudge here to

because we wouldn't want pudge here to get in any trouble

get in any trouble he laughed sounds good to me i took this

he laughed sounds good to me i took this gig because i thought it was hilarious

gig because i thought it was hilarious wish i'd thought of this in high school

wish i'd thought of this in high school as i walked into the gym max dr william

as i walked into the gym max dr william morse at my side

morse at my side takumi and the colonel trailing a good

takumi and the colonel trailing a good bit behind me i knew

bit behind me i knew i was more likely to get busted than

i was more likely to get busted than anyone else but i've been reading the

anyone else but i've been reading the culver creek handbook pretty closely the

culver creek handbook pretty closely the last couple weeks

last couple weeks and i reminded myself of my two-pronged

and i reminded myself of my two-pronged defense in the event i got in trouble

defense in the event i got in trouble one there is not technically a rule

one there is not technically a rule against paying a stripper to dance in

against paying a stripper to dance in front of the school

front of the school two it cannot be proven that i was

two it cannot be proven that i was responsible for the incident

responsible for the incident it can only be proven that i brought a

it can only be proven that i brought a person onto campus who i presumed to be

person onto campus who i presumed to be an expert on sexual deviancy and

an expert on sexual deviancy and adolescence

adolescence and who turned out to be an actual

and who turned out to be an actual sexual deviant

sexual deviant i sat down with dr william morris in the

i sat down with dr william morris in the middle of the front row of bleachers

middle of the front row of bleachers some ninth graders sat behind me but

some ninth graders sat behind me but when the colonel walked up with laura a

when the colonel walked up with laura a moment later

moment later he politely told them thanks for holding

he politely told them thanks for holding our seats and ushered them away

our seats and ushered them away as per the plan takumi was in the supply

as per the plan takumi was in the supply room on the second floor connecting his

room on the second floor connecting his stereo equipment to the gyms

stereo equipment to the gyms loudspeakers

loudspeakers i turned to dr morrison said we should

i turned to dr morrison said we should look at each other with great interest

look at each other with great interest and talk

and talk like you're friends with my parents he

like you're friends with my parents he smiled and nodded his head

smiled and nodded his head he is a great man your father and your

he is a great man your father and your mother

mother so beautiful i rolled my eyes a bit

so beautiful i rolled my eyes a bit disgusted

disgusted still i liked this stripper fellow the

still i liked this stripper fellow the eagle came in at noon

eagle came in at noon on the nose greeted the senior class

on the nose greeted the senior class speaker a former alabama state attorney

speaker a former alabama state attorney general

general and then came over to dr morse who stood

and then came over to dr morse who stood with great applause and half

with great applause and half bowed as he shook the eagle's hand maybe

bowed as he shook the eagle's hand maybe too formal

too formal and the eagle said we're certainly very

and the eagle said we're certainly very glad to have you

glad to have you here and max replied thank you i hope i

here and max replied thank you i hope i don't disappoint

don't disappoint i wasn't worried about getting expelled

i wasn't worried about getting expelled i wasn't even worried about getting the

i wasn't even worried about getting the kernel expelled though maybe i should

kernel expelled though maybe i should have been

have been i was worried that it wouldn't work

i was worried that it wouldn't work because alaska hadn't planned it

because alaska hadn't planned it maybe no prank worthy of her could be

maybe no prank worthy of her could be pulled off without her the eagle stood

pulled off without her the eagle stood behind the podium

behind the podium this is a day of historic significance

this is a day of historic significance at culver creek

at culver creek it was the vision of our founder philip

it was the vision of our founder philip garden that you

garden that you as students and we as faculty might take

as students and we as faculty might take one afternoon a year to benefit from the

one afternoon a year to benefit from the wisdom of voices outside the school

wisdom of voices outside the school and so we meet here annually to learn

and so we meet here annually to learn from them to see the world as others see

from them to see the world as others see it

it today our junior class speaker is dr

today our junior class speaker is dr william morse

william morse a professor of psychology at the

a professor of psychology at the university of central florida and a

university of central florida and a widely respected scholar

widely respected scholar he is here today to talk about teenagers

he is here today to talk about teenagers and sexuality a topic i'm sure you will

and sexuality a topic i'm sure you will find considerably

find considerably interesting so please help me welcome dr

interesting so please help me welcome dr moss to the podium

moss to the podium we applauded my heart beat in my chest

we applauded my heart beat in my chest like it wanted to applaud too

like it wanted to applaud too as max walked up to the podium laura

as max walked up to the podium laura leaned down to me and whispered

leaned down to me and whispered he is really hot

he is really hot thank you mr starnes max smiled and

thank you mr starnes max smiled and nodded to the eagle

nodded to the eagle then straightened his papers and placed

then straightened his papers and placed them on the podium even i almost

them on the podium even i almost believed he was a professor of

believed he was a professor of psychology

psychology i wondered if maybe he was an actor

i wondered if maybe he was an actor supplementing his income

supplementing his income he read directly from the speech without

he read directly from the speech without looking up but he read with the

looking up but he read with the confident airy

confident airy tone of a slightly snooty academic i'm

tone of a slightly snooty academic i'm here today to talk with you about the

here today to talk with you about the fascinating subject of teenage sexuality

fascinating subject of teenage sexuality my research is in the field of sexual

my research is in the field of sexual linguistics

linguistics specifically the way that young people

specifically the way that young people discuss sex and related questions

discuss sex and related questions so for instance i'm interested in why am

so for instance i'm interested in why am i saying the word

i saying the word arm might not make you laugh but my

arm might not make you laugh but my saying the word

saying the word vagina might and indeed there were some

vagina might and indeed there were some nervous titters from the audience

nervous titters from the audience the way young people speak about one

the way young people speak about one another's bodies

another's bodies says a great deal about our society in

says a great deal about our society in today's world

today's world boys are much more likely to objectify

boys are much more likely to objectify girls bodies than the other way around

girls bodies than the other way around boys will say amongst themselves that

boys will say amongst themselves that so-and-so has a nice rack

so-and-so has a nice rack while girls will more likely say that a

while girls will more likely say that a boy is cute

boy is cute a term that describes both physical and

a term that describes both physical and emotional characteristics

emotional characteristics this has the effect of turning girls

this has the effect of turning girls into mere objects

into mere objects while boys are seen by girls as whole

while boys are seen by girls as whole people and then lara stood up and in her

people and then lara stood up and in her delicate innocent accent

delicate innocent accent cut dr william morse off you're

cut dr william morse off you're so hot i wish you'd shut up and take off

so hot i wish you'd shut up and take off your clothes

your clothes the students laughed but all of the

the students laughed but all of the teachers turned around

teachers turned around and looked at her stunned silent she sat

and looked at her stunned silent she sat down

down what's your name dear lara she said

what's your name dear lara she said now lara max said looking down at his

now lara max said looking down at his paper to remember the line

paper to remember the line what we have here is a very interesting

what we have here is a very interesting case study

case study a female objectifying me a male

a female objectifying me a male it's so unusual that i can only assume

it's so unusual that i can only assume you're making an attempt at humor

you're making an attempt at humor lara stood up again and shouted i'm not

lara stood up again and shouted i'm not kidding

kidding take off your clothes he nervously

take off your clothes he nervously looked down at the paper

looked down at the paper and then looked up at all of us smiling

and then looked up at all of us smiling well

well it is certainly important to subvert the

it is certainly important to subvert the patriarchal

patriarchal paradigm and i suppose this is a way

paradigm and i suppose this is a way all right then he said stepping to the

all right then he said stepping to the left of the podium

left of the podium and then he shouted loud enough that

and then he shouted loud enough that takumi could hear him upstairs

takumi could hear him upstairs this one's for alaska young

this one's for alaska young as the fast pumping base of prince's get

as the fast pumping base of prince's get off started from the loudspeakers

off started from the loudspeakers dr william morris grabbed the leg of his

dr william morris grabbed the leg of his pants with one hand

pants with one hand and the lapel of his coat with the other

and the lapel of his coat with the other and the velcro parted and his stage

and the velcro parted and his stage costume came apart

costume came apart revealing max with two x's a stunningly

revealing max with two x's a stunningly muscular man with an eight pack in his

muscular man with an eight pack in his stomach and

stomach and bulging pec muscles and max stood before

bulging pec muscles and max stood before us

us smiling wearing only briefs that were

smiling wearing only briefs that were surely tidy but not

surely tidy but not whitey black leather his feet in place

whitey black leather his feet in place max swayed his arms to the music and the

max swayed his arms to the music and the crowd erupted with laughter and

crowd erupted with laughter and deafening sustained applause the largest

deafening sustained applause the largest ovation by a good measure in speaker day

ovation by a good measure in speaker day history the eagle was

history the eagle was up in a flash and as soon as he stood

up in a flash and as soon as he stood max stopped dancing

max stopped dancing but he flexed his pec muscles so that

but he flexed his pec muscles so that they jumped up and down

they jumped up and down quickly in time to the music before the

quickly in time to the music before the eagle not smiling but sucking his lips

eagle not smiling but sucking his lips in as if not smiling required

in as if not smiling required effort indicated with a thumb that max

effort indicated with a thumb that max should go on home

should go on home and max did my eyes followed max out the

and max did my eyes followed max out the door

door and i saw takumi standing in the doorway

and i saw takumi standing in the doorway fists raised in the air in triumph

fists raised in the air in triumph before he ran back upstairs to cut the

before he ran back upstairs to cut the music i was glad he'd gotten to see at

music i was glad he'd gotten to see at least a bit of the show

least a bit of the show takumi had plenty of time to get his

takumi had plenty of time to get his equipment out because the laughing and

equipment out because the laughing and talking went on for several minutes

talking went on for several minutes while the eagle kept repeating

while the eagle kept repeating okay okay let's settle down now

okay okay let's settle down now settle down y'all let's settle down

settle down y'all let's settle down the senior class speaker spoke next he

the senior class speaker spoke next he blew

blew and as we left the gym non-juniors

and as we left the gym non-juniors crowded around us

crowded around us asking was it you and i just smiled and

asking was it you and i just smiled and said no

said no for it had not been me or the colonel or

for it had not been me or the colonel or takumi or lara or longwell chase or

takumi or lara or longwell chase or anyone else in that gym

anyone else in that gym it had been alaska's prank through and

it had been alaska's prank through and through

through the hardest part about pranking alaska

the hardest part about pranking alaska told me once

told me once is not being able to confess but i could

is not being able to confess but i could confess on her behalf

confess on her behalf now and as i slowly made my way out of

now and as i slowly made my way out of the gym

the gym i told anyone who would listen no it

i told anyone who would listen no it wasn't us

wasn't us it was alaska the four of us returned to

it was alaska the four of us returned to room 43 a glow in the success of it

room 43 a glow in the success of it convinced that the creek would never

convinced that the creek would never again see such a prank

again see such a prank and it didn't even occur to me that i

and it didn't even occur to me that i might get in trouble until the eagle

might get in trouble until the eagle opened the door to our room and stood

opened the door to our room and stood above us and shook his head disdainfully

above us and shook his head disdainfully i know it was y'all said the eagle

i know it was y'all said the eagle we looked at him silently he often

we looked at him silently he often bluffed maybe he was bluffing

bluffed maybe he was bluffing don't ever do anything like that

don't ever do anything like that again he said but

again he said but lord subverting the patriarchal paradigm

lord subverting the patriarchal paradigm it's like she wrote the speech

it's like she wrote the speech he smiled and closed the door

114 days after a week and a half later i walked back

a week and a half later i walked back from my afternoon classes

from my afternoon classes the sun bearing down on my skin in a

the sun bearing down on my skin in a constant reminder that spring in alabama

constant reminder that spring in alabama had come

had come and gone in a matter of hours and now

and gone in a matter of hours and now early may

early may summer had returned for a six-month

summer had returned for a six-month visit and i felt the sweat dribble down

visit and i felt the sweat dribble down my back

my back and longed for the bitter winds of

and longed for the bitter winds of january

january when i got to my room i found takumi

when i got to my room i found takumi sitting on the couch

sitting on the couch reading my biography of tolstoy

reading my biography of tolstoy uh hi i said he closed the book and

uh hi i said he closed the book and placed it beside him and said january

placed it beside him and said january 10th what i asked

10th what i asked january 10th that date ring a bell

january 10th that date ring a bell yeah it's the day alaska died

yeah it's the day alaska died technically she died three hours into

technically she died three hours into january 11th

january 11th but it was still to us anyway monday

but it was still to us anyway monday night january 10th

night january 10th yeah but something else pudge january

yeah but something else pudge january 9th

9th alaska's mom took her to the zoo

alaska's mom took her to the zoo wait no how do you know that she told us

wait no how do you know that she told us at barn night remember

at barn night remember of course i didn't remember if i could

of course i didn't remember if i could remember numbers i wouldn't be

remember numbers i wouldn't be struggling toward a c-plus in pre-calc

struggling toward a c-plus in pre-calc holy i said as the colonel walked

holy i said as the colonel walked in

in what the colonel asked january 9th

what the colonel asked january 9th 1997 i told him alaska liked the bears

1997 i told him alaska liked the bears her mom liked the monkeys

her mom liked the monkeys the colonel looked at me blankly for a

the colonel looked at me blankly for a moment and then took off his backpack

moment and then took off his backpack and slung it across the room in a single

and slung it across the room in a single motion

motion holy he said why the hell didn't i

holy he said why the hell didn't i think of that

think of that within a minute the colonel had the best

within a minute the colonel had the best solution either of us would ever come up

solution either of us would ever come up with

with okay she's sleeping jake calls and she

okay she's sleeping jake calls and she talks to him

talks to him and she's doodling and she looks at her

and she's doodling and she looks at her white

white flower and oh god my mom liked white

flower and oh god my mom liked white flowers and put them in my hair when i

flowers and put them in my hair when i was little

was little and then she flips out she comes back

and then she flips out she comes back into her room

into her room and starts screaming at us that she

and starts screaming at us that she forgot forgot about her mom of course

forgot forgot about her mom of course so she takes the flowers drives off

so she takes the flowers drives off campus

campus on her way to what he looked at me

on her way to what he looked at me what her mom's grave and i said

what her mom's grave and i said yeah probably yeah so

yeah probably yeah so she gets into the car and she just wants

she gets into the car and she just wants to get to her mom's grave

to get to her mom's grave but there's this jackknifed truck and

but there's this jackknifed truck and the cops there and she's drunk and

the cops there and she's drunk and pissed off and she's in a hurry so she

pissed off and she's in a hurry so she thinks she can squeeze past the cop car

thinks she can squeeze past the cop car and she's not even thinking straight but

and she's not even thinking straight but she has to get to her mom

she has to get to her mom and she thinks she can get past it

and she thinks she can get past it somehow and poof

somehow and poof takumi nods slowly thinking and then

takumi nods slowly thinking and then says

says or she gets into the car with the

or she gets into the car with the flowers

flowers but she's already missed the anniversary

but she's already missed the anniversary she's probably thinking that she screwed

she's probably thinking that she screwed things up with her mom again

things up with her mom again first she doesn't call freaking 911

first she doesn't call freaking 911 and she's furious and she hates herself

and she's furious and she hates herself and she decides that's it i'm doing it

and she decides that's it i'm doing it and she sees the cop car and there's her

and she sees the cop car and there's her chance

chance and she just floors it the colonel

and she just floors it the colonel reached into his pocket

reached into his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes

and pulled out a pack of cigarettes tapping it upside down against the

tapping it upside down against the coffee table

coffee table well he said that clears things up

well he said that clears things up nicely

118 days after so we gave up i'd finally had enough of

so we gave up i'd finally had enough of chasing after a ghost who did not want

chasing after a ghost who did not want to be discovered

to be discovered we'd failed maybe but some mysteries

we'd failed maybe but some mysteries aren't meant to be solved

aren't meant to be solved i still did not know her as i wanted to

i still did not know her as i wanted to but i never could

but i never could she made it impossible for me and the

she made it impossible for me and the acts aside

acts aside the suident would never be anything else

the suident would never be anything else and i was left to ask did i help you

and i was left to ask did i help you toward the fate you didn't want alaska

toward the fate you didn't want alaska or did i just assist in your willful

or did i just assist in your willful self destruction

self destruction because they are different crimes and i

because they are different crimes and i didn't know whether to feel

didn't know whether to feel angry at her for making me part of her

angry at her for making me part of her suicide or just to feel angry at myself

suicide or just to feel angry at myself for letting her go but we knew what

for letting her go but we knew what could be

could be found out and in finding it out she had

found out and in finding it out she had made us closer

made us closer the colonel and takumi and me anyway and

the colonel and takumi and me anyway and that was it

that was it she didn't leave me enough to discover

she didn't leave me enough to discover her but she left me enough

her but she left me enough to rediscover the great perhaps

to rediscover the great perhaps there's one more thing we should do the

there's one more thing we should do the colonel said

colonel said as we played a video game together with

as we played a video game together with the sound on just the two of us

the sound on just the two of us like in the first days of the

like in the first days of the investigation there's nothing more we

investigation there's nothing more we can do i want to drive through it

can do i want to drive through it he said like she did

he said like she did we couldn't risk leaving campus in the

we couldn't risk leaving campus in the middle of the night like she had

middle of the night like she had so we left about 12 hours earlier at

so we left about 12 hours earlier at three in the afternoon

three in the afternoon with the colonel behind the wheel of

with the colonel behind the wheel of takumi's suv

takumi's suv we asked lara and takumi to come along

we asked lara and takumi to come along but they were tired of chasing ghosts

but they were tired of chasing ghosts and besides

and besides finals were coming it was a bright

finals were coming it was a bright afternoon

afternoon and the sun bore down on the asphalt so

and the sun bore down on the asphalt so that the ribbon of road before us

that the ribbon of road before us quivered with heat

quivered with heat we drove a mile down highway 119 and

we drove a mile down highway 119 and then merged onto i-65 northbound

then merged onto i-65 northbound heading toward the accident scene and

heading toward the accident scene and vine station

vine station the colonel drove fast and we were quiet

the colonel drove fast and we were quiet staring straight ahead

staring straight ahead i tried to imagine what she might have

i tried to imagine what she might have been thinking trying again to see

been thinking trying again to see through time and space

through time and space to get inside her head just for a moment

to get inside her head just for a moment an ambulance

an ambulance lights and sirens blaring sped past us

lights and sirens blaring sped past us going in the opposite direction towards

going in the opposite direction towards school

school and for an instant i felt a nervous

and for an instant i felt a nervous excitement and thought

excitement and thought it could be someone i know i almost

it could be someone i know i almost wished it was

wished it was someone i knew to give new form and

someone i knew to give new form and depth to the sadness i still felt

depth to the sadness i still felt the silence broke sometimes i liked it

the silence broke sometimes i liked it i said sometimes i liked it that she was

i said sometimes i liked it that she was dead

dead you mean it felt good no i don't know it

you mean it felt good no i don't know it felt

felt pure yeah he said dropping his usual

pure yeah he said dropping his usual eloquence

eloquence yeah i know me too it's natural i mean

yeah i know me too it's natural i mean it must be natural

it must be natural it always shocked me when i realized

it always shocked me when i realized that i wasn't the only person in the

that i wasn't the only person in the world who thought and felt such strange

world who thought and felt such strange and awful things

and awful things five miles north of school the colonel

five miles north of school the colonel moved into the left lane of the

moved into the left lane of the interstate and began to accelerate

interstate and began to accelerate i gritted my teeth and then before us

i gritted my teeth and then before us broken glass glittered in the blare of

broken glass glittered in the blare of the sun like the road was wearing

the sun like the road was wearing jewelry

jewelry and that spot must be the spot he was

and that spot must be the spot he was still accelerating

still accelerating i thought this would not be a bad way to

i thought this would not be a bad way to go

go i thought straight and fast maybe she

i thought straight and fast maybe she just decided at the last second

just decided at the last second and poof we are through the moment of

and poof we are through the moment of her death

her death we are driving through the place that

we are driving through the place that she could not drive through

she could not drive through passing onto asphalt she never saw and

passing onto asphalt she never saw and we are not dead

we are not dead we are not dead we are breathing and we

we are not dead we are breathing and we are crying

are crying and now slowing down and moving back

and now slowing down and moving back into the right lane

into the right lane we got off at the next exit quietly and

we got off at the next exit quietly and switching drivers we walked in front of

switching drivers we walked in front of the car

the car we met and i held him my hands balled

we met and i held him my hands balled into tight fists around his shoulders

into tight fists around his shoulders and he wrapped his short arms around me

and he wrapped his short arms around me and squeezed tight

and squeezed tight so that i felt the heaves of his chest

so that i felt the heaves of his chest as we realized

as we realized over and over again that we were still

over and over again that we were still alive

alive i realized it in waves and we held on to

i realized it in waves and we held on to each other

each other crying and i thought god we must look so

crying and i thought god we must look so lame

lame but it doesn't much matter when you have

but it doesn't much matter when you have just now

just now realized all the time later that you

realized all the time later that you are still alive

119 days after the colonel and i threw ourselves into

the colonel and i threw ourselves into school once we gave up

school once we gave up knowing that we'd need to ace our finals

knowing that we'd need to ace our finals to achieve our gpa goals

to achieve our gpa goals i wanted a 3.0 and the colonel wouldn't

i wanted a 3.0 and the colonel wouldn't settle for even a 3.98

settle for even a 3.98 our room became study central for the

our room became study central for the four of us with takumi and lara over

four of us with takumi and lara over till

till all hours of the night talking about the

all hours of the night talking about the sound and the fury

sound and the fury and meiosis and the battle of the bulge

and meiosis and the battle of the bulge the colonel taught us a semester's worth

the colonel taught us a semester's worth of pre-calc

of pre-calc although he was too good at math to

although he was too good at math to teach it very well

teach it very well of course it makes sense just trust me

of course it makes sense just trust me christ is not that hard

christ is not that hard and i missed alaska and when i could not

and i missed alaska and when i could not catch up

catch up i cheated takumi and i shared copies of

i cheated takumi and i shared copies of cliff's notes for things fall apart

cliff's notes for things fall apart and a farewell to arms those things are

and a farewell to arms those things are just too damn

just too damn long he exclaimed at one point we didn't

long he exclaimed at one point we didn't talk much

talk much but we didn't need to

122 days after a cool breeze had beaten back the

a cool breeze had beaten back the onslaught of summer

onslaught of summer and on the morning the old man gave us

and on the morning the old man gave us our final exams he suggested we have

our final exams he suggested we have class outside

class outside i wondered why we could have an entire

i wondered why we could have an entire class outside

class outside when i'd been kicked out of class last

when i'd been kicked out of class last semester for merely glancing outside

semester for merely glancing outside but the old man wanted to have class

but the old man wanted to have class outside so we did

outside so we did the old man sat in a chair that kevin

the old man sat in a chair that kevin richmond carried out for him and we sat

richmond carried out for him and we sat on the grass

on the grass my notebook at first perched awkwardly

my notebook at first perched awkwardly in my lap

in my lap and then against the thick green grass

and then against the thick green grass and the bumpy ground did not lend itself

and the bumpy ground did not lend itself to writing

to writing and the gnats hovered we were too close

and the gnats hovered we were too close to the lake for comfortable sitting

to the lake for comfortable sitting really

really but the old man seemed happy i have here

but the old man seemed happy i have here your

your final exam last semester i gave you

final exam last semester i gave you nearly two months to complete your final

nearly two months to complete your final paper

paper this time you get two weeks he paused

this time you get two weeks he paused well nothing to be done about that i

well nothing to be done about that i guess

guess he laughed to be honest i just decided

he laughed to be honest i just decided once and for all to use this paper topic

once and for all to use this paper topic last night it rather goes against my

last night it rather goes against my nature

nature anyway pass these around when the pile

anyway pass these around when the pile came to me

came to me i read the question how will you

i read the question how will you you personally ever get out of this

you personally ever get out of this labyrinth of suffering

labyrinth of suffering now that you've wrestled with three

now that you've wrestled with three major religious traditions

major religious traditions apply your newly enlightened mind to

apply your newly enlightened mind to alaska's question

after the exams had been passed out the old man said

old man said you need not specifically discuss the

you need not specifically discuss the perspectives of different religions in

perspectives of different religions in your essay

your essay so no research is necessary

so no research is necessary your knowledge or lack thereof has been

your knowledge or lack thereof has been established in the quizzes you've taken

established in the quizzes you've taken this semester

this semester i am interested in how you are able to

i am interested in how you are able to fit the uncontestable fact of

fit the uncontestable fact of suffering into your understanding of the

suffering into your understanding of the world

world and how you hope to navigate through

and how you hope to navigate through life in spite of it

life in spite of it next year assuming my lungs hold out

next year assuming my lungs hold out we'll study taoism hinduism

we'll study taoism hinduism and judaism together the old man

and judaism together the old man coughed and then started to laugh which

coughed and then started to laugh which caused him to cough again

caused him to cough again lord maybe i won't last

lord maybe i won't last but about the three traditions we've

but about the three traditions we've studied

studied this year i'd like to say one thing

this year i'd like to say one thing islam christianity and buddhism

islam christianity and buddhism each have founder figures muhammad

each have founder figures muhammad jesus and the buddha respectively and

jesus and the buddha respectively and in thinking about these founder figures

in thinking about these founder figures i believe we must finally conclude that

i believe we must finally conclude that each

each brought a message of radical hope

brought a message of radical hope to 7th century arabia muhammad brought

to 7th century arabia muhammad brought the promise that anyone could find

the promise that anyone could find fulfillment

fulfillment and everlasting life through allegiance

and everlasting life through allegiance to the one true god

to the one true god the buddha held out hope that suffering

the buddha held out hope that suffering could be transcended

could be transcended jesus brought the message that the last

jesus brought the message that the last shall be first that even the tax

shall be first that even the tax collectors and lepers the outcasts had

collectors and lepers the outcasts had cause

cause for hope and so that is the question i

for hope and so that is the question i leave you with

leave you with in this final what is

in this final what is your cause for hope

back at room 43 the colonel was smoking in the room

in the room even though i still had one evening left

even though i still had one evening left of washing dishes in the cafeteria to

of washing dishes in the cafeteria to work off my smoking conviction

work off my smoking conviction we didn't much fear the eagle we had 15

we didn't much fear the eagle we had 15 days left

days left and if we got caught we'd just have to

and if we got caught we'd just have to start senior year with some work hours

start senior year with some work hours so how will we ever get out of this

so how will we ever get out of this labyrinth colonel

labyrinth colonel i asked if only i knew he said

i asked if only i knew he said that's probably not going to get you an

that's probably not going to get you an a also it doesn't do much to put my soul

a also it doesn't do much to put my soul to rest

to rest nor hers i said right

nor hers i said right i'd forgotten about her he shook his

i'd forgotten about her he shook his head

head that keeps happening well you have to

that keeps happening well you have to write something i argued

write something i argued after all this time it still seems to me

after all this time it still seems to me like

like straight and fast is the only way out

straight and fast is the only way out but i choose the labyrinth the labyrinth

but i choose the labyrinth the labyrinth blows

blows but i choose it

136 days after two weeks later i still hadn't finished

two weeks later i still hadn't finished my final for the old man and the

my final for the old man and the semester was just 24 hours from ending

semester was just 24 hours from ending i was walking home from my final test a

i was walking home from my final test a difficult but ultimately i hoped

difficult but ultimately i hoped successful battle with pre-calculus that

successful battle with pre-calculus that would win me the b

would win me the b minus i so richly desired it was

minus i so richly desired it was genuinely hot

genuinely hot out again warm like she was and i felt

out again warm like she was and i felt okay

okay tomorrow my parents would come and load

tomorrow my parents would come and load up my stuff and we'd watch

up my stuff and we'd watch graduation and then go back to florida

graduation and then go back to florida the colonel was going home to his mother

the colonel was going home to his mother to spend the summer watching the

to spend the summer watching the soybeans grow

soybeans grow but i could call him long distance so

but i could call him long distance so we'd be in touch plenty

we'd be in touch plenty takumi was going to japan for the summer

takumi was going to japan for the summer and laura was again

and laura was again to be driven home by a green limo

to be driven home by a green limo i was just thinking that it was all

i was just thinking that it was all right not to know quite where alaska was

right not to know quite where alaska was and quite where she was going that night

and quite where she was going that night when i opened the door to my room

when i opened the door to my room and noticed a folded slip of paper on

and noticed a folded slip of paper on the linoleum floor

the linoleum floor it was a single piece of lime green

it was a single piece of lime green stationary

stationary at the top it read in calligraphy from

at the top it read in calligraphy from the desk of takumi hikohito

the desk of takumi hikohito pudge slash kernel i am sorry that i

pudge slash kernel i am sorry that i have not

have not talked to you before i'm not staying for

talked to you before i'm not staying for graduation

graduation i leave for japan tomorrow morning for a

i leave for japan tomorrow morning for a long time

long time i was mad at you the way you cut me out

i was mad at you the way you cut me out of everything hurt me

of everything hurt me and so i kept what i knew to myself but

and so i kept what i knew to myself but then

then even after i wasn't mad anymore i still

even after i wasn't mad anymore i still didn't say anything

didn't say anything and i don't even really know why pudge

and i don't even really know why pudge had that kiss

had that kiss i guess and i had this secret

i guess and i had this secret you've mostly figured this out but the

you've mostly figured this out but the truth is that i

truth is that i saw her that night i stayed up late with

saw her that night i stayed up late with laura and some people

laura and some people and then i was falling asleep and i

and then i was falling asleep and i heard her crying outside my back window

heard her crying outside my back window it was like 3 15 that morning maybe and

it was like 3 15 that morning maybe and i walked

i walked out there and saw her walking through

out there and saw her walking through the soccer field

the soccer field i tried to talk to her but she was in a

i tried to talk to her but she was in a hurry she told me that her mother was

hurry she told me that her mother was dead

dead eight years that day and that she always

eight years that day and that she always put flowers on her mother's grave on the

put flowers on her mother's grave on the anniversary but she forgot that year

anniversary but she forgot that year she was out there looking for flowers

she was out there looking for flowers but it was too early too wintery

but it was too early too wintery that's how i knew about january tenth i

that's how i knew about january tenth i still have no idea whether it was

still have no idea whether it was suicide

suicide she was so sad and i didn't know what to

she was so sad and i didn't know what to say or do

say or do i think she counted on me to be the one

i think she counted on me to be the one person who would always say and do the

person who would always say and do the right things to help her

right things to help her but i couldn't i just thought she was

but i couldn't i just thought she was looking for flowers

looking for flowers i didn't know she was going to go she

i didn't know she was going to go she was drunk

was drunk just trash drunk and i really didn't

just trash drunk and i really didn't think she would drive or anything i

think she would drive or anything i thought she would just cry herself to

thought she would just cry herself to sleep

sleep and then drive to visit her mom the next

and then drive to visit her mom the next day or something

day or something she walked away and then i heard a car

she walked away and then i heard a car start

start i don't know what i was thinking so

i don't know what i was thinking so i let her go too and i'm sorry

i let her go too and i'm sorry i know you loved her it was hard not to

takumi i ran out of the room like i'd never

i ran out of the room like i'd never smoked a cigarette

smoked a cigarette like i ran with takumi on barn night

like i ran with takumi on barn night across the dorm circle to his room but

across the dorm circle to his room but takumi was gone his bunk was bare vinyl

takumi was gone his bunk was bare vinyl his desk empty an outline of dust where

his desk empty an outline of dust where his stereo had been

his stereo had been he was gone and i did not have time to

he was gone and i did not have time to tell him what i had just now realized

tell him what i had just now realized that i forgave him and that she forgave

that i forgave him and that she forgave us

us and that we had to forgive to survive in

and that we had to forgive to survive in the labyrinth

the labyrinth there were so many of us who would have

there were so many of us who would have to live with things done and things left

to live with things done and things left undone

undone that day things that did not go right

that day things that did not go right things that seemed okay at the time

things that seemed okay at the time because we could not see the future

because we could not see the future if only we could see the endless string

if only we could see the endless string of consequences that result from our

of consequences that result from our smallest actions

smallest actions but we can't know better until knowing

but we can't know better until knowing better is useless

better is useless and as i walked back to give takumi's

and as i walked back to give takumi's note to the colonel

note to the colonel i saw that i would never know i would

i saw that i would never know i would never know

never know her well enough to know her thoughts in

her well enough to know her thoughts in those last minutes

those last minutes would never know if she left us on

would never know if she left us on purpose

purpose but the not knowing would not keep me

but the not knowing would not keep me from caring

from caring and i would always love alaska young my

and i would always love alaska young my crooked neighbor

crooked neighbor with all my crooked heart i got back to

with all my crooked heart i got back to room 43

room 43 but the colonel wasn't home yet so i

but the colonel wasn't home yet so i left the note on the top bunk

left the note on the top bunk and sat down at the computer and i wrote

and sat down at the computer and i wrote my way out of the labyrinth

my way out of the labyrinth like this before i got here

like this before i got here i thought for a long time that the way

i thought for a long time that the way out of the labyrinth was to pretend that

out of the labyrinth was to pretend that it did not exist

it did not exist to build a small self-sufficient world

to build a small self-sufficient world in a back corner of the endless maze

in a back corner of the endless maze and to pretend that i was not lost but

and to pretend that i was not lost but home

home but that only led to a lonely life

but that only led to a lonely life accompanied only by the last words of

accompanied only by the last words of the already dead

the already dead so i came here looking for a great

so i came here looking for a great perhaps for real friends

perhaps for real friends and a more than minor life and then i

and a more than minor life and then i screwed up

screwed up and the colonel screwed up and takumi

and the colonel screwed up and takumi screwed up and she slipped through our

screwed up and she slipped through our fingers

fingers and there's no sugar coating it she

and there's no sugar coating it she deserved better friends

deserved better friends when she up all those years ago

when she up all those years ago just a little girl

just a little girl terrified into paralysis she collapsed

terrified into paralysis she collapsed into the enigma of herself

into the enigma of herself and i could have done that but i saw

and i could have done that but i saw where it led for her

where it led for her so i still believe in the great perhaps

so i still believe in the great perhaps and i can believe in it in spite of

and i can believe in it in spite of having lost her

having lost her because i will forget her yes that which

because i will forget her yes that which came together will

came together will fall apart imperceptibly slowly and i

fall apart imperceptibly slowly and i will forget

will forget but she will forgive my forgetting just

but she will forgive my forgetting just as i forgive her for forgetting me

as i forgive her for forgetting me and the colonel and everyone but herself

and the colonel and everyone but herself and her mom in those last moments she

and her mom in those last moments she spent as a person

spent as a person i know now that she forgives me for

i know now that she forgives me for being dumb and scared and doing the dumb

being dumb and scared and doing the dumb and scared thing

and scared thing i know she forgives me just as her

i know she forgives me just as her mother forgives her

mother forgives her and here's how i know i thought at first

and here's how i know i thought at first that she was just dead just darkness

that she was just dead just darkness just a body being eaten by bugs

just a body being eaten by bugs i thought about her a lot like that as

i thought about her a lot like that as something's meal

something's meal what was her green eyes half a smirk

what was her green eyes half a smirk the soft curves of her legs would soon

the soft curves of her legs would soon be nothing

be nothing just the bones i never saw i thought

just the bones i never saw i thought about the slow

about the slow process of becoming bone and then fossil

process of becoming bone and then fossil and then coal that will in millions of

and then coal that will in millions of years be mined by humans of the future

years be mined by humans of the future and how they would heat their homes with

and how they would heat their homes with her and then she would be smoke

her and then she would be smoke billowing out of the smokestack coating

billowing out of the smokestack coating the atmosphere

the atmosphere i still think that sometimes think that

i still think that sometimes think that maybe the afterlife is just something we

maybe the afterlife is just something we made up to ease the pain of loss

made up to ease the pain of loss to make our time in the labyrinth

to make our time in the labyrinth bearable

bearable maybe she was just matter and matter

maybe she was just matter and matter gets recycled

gets recycled but ultimately i do not believe that she

but ultimately i do not believe that she was only matter

was only matter the rest of her must be recycled too i

the rest of her must be recycled too i believe now that we are greater than the

believe now that we are greater than the sum of our parts

sum of our parts if you take alaska's genetic code and

if you take alaska's genetic code and you add her life experiences

you add her life experiences and the relationships she had with

and the relationships she had with people and then you take the size and

people and then you take the size and shape of her body

shape of her body you do not get her there is something

you do not get her there is something else

else entirely there is a part of her greater

entirely there is a part of her greater than the sum of her knowable parts

than the sum of her knowable parts and that part has to go somewhere

and that part has to go somewhere because it cannot be destroyed

because it cannot be destroyed although no one will ever accuse me of

although no one will ever accuse me of being much of a science student

being much of a science student one thing i learned from science classes

one thing i learned from science classes is that energy is never created

is that energy is never created and never destroyed and if alaska took

and never destroyed and if alaska took her own life

her own life that is the hope i wish i could have

that is the hope i wish i could have given her

given her forgetting her mother failing her mother

forgetting her mother failing her mother and her friends and herself

and her friends and herself those are awful things but she did not

those are awful things but she did not need to fold into

need to fold into herself and self-destruct those awful

herself and self-destruct those awful things are survivable

things are survivable because we are as indestructible as we

because we are as indestructible as we believe ourselves to be

believe ourselves to be when adults say teenagers think they are

when adults say teenagers think they are invincible with that sly stupid smile on

invincible with that sly stupid smile on their faces

their faces they don't know how right they are we

they don't know how right they are we need never

need never be hopeless because we can never be

be hopeless because we can never be irreparably broken

irreparably broken we think that we are invincible because

we think that we are invincible because we are

we are we cannot be born and we cannot die

we cannot be born and we cannot die like all energy we can only change

like all energy we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations

shapes and sizes and manifestations they forget that when they get old they

they forget that when they get old they get scared of losing and failing

get scared of losing and failing but that part of us greater than the sum

but that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin

of our parts cannot begin and cannot end and so it cannot fail

and cannot end and so it cannot fail so i know she forgives me just as i

so i know she forgives me just as i forgive her

forgive her thomas edison's last words were it's

thomas edison's last words were it's very beautiful over there

very beautiful over there i don't know where there is but i

i don't know where there is but i believe it's somewhere

believe it's somewhere and i hope it's beautiful

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