[Music] [Laughter]
[Music] [Applause]
I thought you were going to wake me at
6:30 I also said women like men who are
shaped like potatoes can you find the pattern
pattern
here I had the egg dream again I I I
what do you think an egg dream means
probably an omen a good omen how many
good Omens involve things that come out
of a chicken's butt there only has to be one
one [Music]
[Music]
bathroom I didn't know you had your own
toothbrush good morning shower good
morning Dilbert don't you do enough
engineering at work work is just
meetings this is engineering if this
works someday all showers will be voice
activated is it that hard to turn the
the knobs it's not that it's hard it's
unnecessary 99 please [Music]
[Music] 99
99
400 nice try but the shower is
calibrated to respond to my voice only
well you think of everything I'm
cautious that's why you had training
wheels on your bike until you were 17 I
14 9 99 9
don't do that where'd you get the voice
for that thing sounds like the computer
from that stupid movie what was it
something something A Space Odyssey it
wasn't something something A Space
Space on the plus side you look very clean
[Applause] [Music]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music]
are we sticking with our ban on useless
checking Wally yes push the button why
just because I'm standing near them yes
I pushed the button yesterday Wally do
I I had the egg dream again last night
I've often said there's nothing more
interesting than hearing about someone's
dream EGS you're not the first engineer
to have that dream you too no I'm saying
old Jack Cooper had that dream right
before he turned into the chicken man
it's impossible to turn into a chicken a
chicken yes but chicken man that can
happen what happened happened to Jack
Cooper he was an engineer much like you
until they put him in charge of a
project the frustration started building
up he started having the egg dream he'd
stand up during meetings all agitated
and he'd wave his arms around like a
chicken what project was he working on
that's the thing no one could agree on
the project name that's what got him
what happened I think he's with the
circus poor clucker [Music]
[Music]
thank you for calling please dial your
pound you have
937 messages all of which are marked
urgent first Urgent Message this is Ted
I'm just calling to tell you I sent you some
some
jeez the network is slow
no is it yes nothing your resumes people
are bailing out there must be a problem
with our new flagship product H The
herbal throat lenges I told him at the
rollout meeting that anthrax was a
bacteria not an herb no you didn't I was
thinking it pretty hard oh some poor
marketing executive will have to take
the fall for this one Bob you made quite
a mess with the herbal lozes product
line don't believe everything you read
in all the major news outlets try
one worth a shot Bob you're like a son
to me you don't have a son that's where
I'm headed here oh now this isn't easy
for either of us but I have to ask you
to take your huge executive severance
package and go find a higher paying job
at another company this is barbaric I
I've heard a
rumor I'm sorry sorry sorry sorry I
heard a rumor our loes product wiped out
of town I can't believe it those loes
were made of natural
ingredients we can see the devastation
but how does this make you feel my
he's always late what's he doing that's
us uhoh draw is almost full I'll need a
new desk hey Alice
looky so what's life like in your
village tongi and tell me everything I'm
not paying for the call well troops I
assume you've all been informed about
the problems with our Flagship product I
don't well there's no no point in
killing a dead horse you mean there's no
point in beating a dead horse why would
anyone beat a dead horse why would
anyone kill a dead horse maybe it kicked
you it's dead and so is every customer
who used our Flagship product now we
have a warehouse filled with lethal
lozenges we are currently converting for
usage in ancillary markets buttons
buttons
coinage teddy bear
eyes the point is we all must embrace
change no that is very bad we don't like
that well we have to make up for the
revenue shortfall and there are only two
ways to do that create a new product or
make massive painful budget
cuts let's make a new product that is
exactly my plan oh I love
a phase
one we need a name for the product uh
that's actually the last step you've got
the transparencies out of order he
doesn't like being corrected now he must
do something terrible to you something
to teach us all a lesson
Gilbert I'd like you to take the lead on this
project step one the name the name is
the last thing you do oh use some common
sense son if you don't know something's
name how do you know what to build focus
groups market research detailed user
specifications and the
name do you think the guy who invented
the mouse pad started with the name
what's a mouse pad feminine protection for
for
mice if we don't know what the product
is we'll never agree on its name we'll
have meeting after meeting after meeting
everyone will want to have input because
input is much easier than doing real
work the only way we'll ever get that
many people to agree is look
look oh that's not
a I am not the chicken man I'll get you
a name anyway it's better than mass of
painful budget cuts actually we're doing
that too it's being announced right
now I got your budget cuts right
here we expect some loading maybe you
people can just sit here while this
how hard get a beat to name a product
that Jack Cooper just didn't have what it
takes that happens to be the best way to
stom out of fire dver help I've been
shot I've been shot I've been shot I
have a few problems of my own you know
yeah I heard about the name thing that's a
a [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause]
drag I'm okay everything's okay things
could be
God why don't you call your product the
vetrx 9000 why would I call it that I'm
just trying to help I know it's hard for
you to come up with a name what with
your poor verbal skills there's nothing
wrong with my verbal skills it only
seems that way because my math skills
are so high there's no reason to get all
news wed about this he's more pacious
than naric whatever that means I am not
there there I know what you're doing
your Scrabble Mind Games will not work
[Music]
mipuluk 6,000 what kind of product do
you see when you imagine a gruntmaster
6000 well it's a strip down version of
the gruntmaster 9,000 of course but it's
software upgradable can we just play all
right then standard Scrabble rules apply
no kicking biting or slapping no
projectiles of any kind name calling
turn it give me four big ones you
wrinkled toad yes yes it that's not a
word I challenge you challenge it give
dictionary what kind of stupid
dictionary is
this Websters I think it's the one your
company makes that would explain it
explain it what's an it quick
Sonic that's triple word score plus 50
for using all seven letters q and the X
that's 152 stinking totally lucky points
dance quizzing
that's 188 I'm pretty sure Scrabble only
has one
Z that's the kind of thinking that
row thank you all for coming especially
those of you who weren't invited and
have no reason to be here
sure to save time I've hired a
consultant to help us find a name for
our next
product he doesn't look like any
consultant I've ever seen
recommendation downsize the loud guy by
take it back anyone else want a piece of
me as you probably know all the good
product names have been trademarked by
companies who are competent
competent how are we going to compete
with that there are still plenty of
names left in the areas of Greek
mythology bodily secretions diseases and
everything involving intestines I like
all of those things remember the first
rule of brainstorming is to openly mock
the opinions of others I thought it was
the other way around Swift let's start
with you accounting guys Walter's good
at this creative stuff he just named his
baby how is Walter Jr she's fine thanks
for asking
that was a dry hole do we have anyone
marketing lie to me our next upgrade
will solve the
problem I like the sound of it but how
do you
spell wter has a name for the product how
how about
about
Ford hm that seems to be taken by the
Company maybe for will sell the name
everyone has a price you're not allowed
to talk anymore how about something from
the disease category they can't all be
that bad how about cbera I like the
sound of it seia
seia
CIA that's not a disease it's a
condition it doesn't have to be a
disease let's stay focused diseases
secretions praks how about Copus the guy
who pushed a rock up a hill for eternity
that fits this project h I like it it
conveys a sense of playfulness it's
supposed to convey a sense of futility
you have to look at it from the Rocks
point of
view how about toe fungus that's a
disease cellulite
cellula cellula and when you take your
sock off and you can still see the
indent on your ankle is that called
anything that's it I can't take it
anymore I will not turn into the chicken
man pick a name any name
here acorn Acorn okay that's the name I
know it's taken but it's just a little
mom and popop dry cleaners we can buy
their name okay then buy it we'll
present it to my boss next week I feel
the curse of the chicken man lifting
already now all you need is a second
name to present at the same time a
really bad name why do we need a second
name it's a decoy always give your boss
two choices one to reject one to approve
it creates the illusion of
leadership you always bring me to
choices for you both choices are always
real oh all right we need a decoy name
that's plausible yet frighteningly bad H
how about salmonella in honor of rooster boy
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause]
here can I speak with the owner why so
you can make false accusations about us
wearing customiz clothing to sporting
events I defy you to prove it no I you
don't scare me you potato shap bully you
foure tall foreheaded shortpants man I'm
not here to
complain oh well we're not French well
why do you talk because we're rude it
just sounds better with the French
accent so what do you want my company
would like to buy the name Acorn we'll
pay never acor was our only son's
nickname it do not for sale as long as
his store still stands I need that name
leave the premises now or I will be
forced to call the strip more security
guard who although old and Fe will whip
you and beat you without Mercy until you
sing campfire songs in the voice of a little
girl thanks for all your help the acorn
dry cleaners won't last forever just let
nature take its course nature how long
nature would you like to try a vibrating
chair get out of my way you pervert [Music]
will you be sitting down in any of these
no I'm going to run for it and you might
[Music]
same Mother of [Music]
God remind me to never negotiate with you
am I late right on time sir oh in that
case I've got time to make some phone
rude am I late now yes but it's not
because you're an inconsiderate adult
it's because you're more important than
us all right so what do you have for me
we need your approval for the name
wait the smell of fresh Ficus it
transports me back to my youth summers
in the Catskill Mountains settle in this
could be a long [Music]
[Music]
one we'd all go to turtle pond to swim
and laugh and play games amongst the wild
Ficus One
Day tragedy [Music]
[Music]
struck a turtle made off with my trunks [Music]
[Music]
I stayed in the water as long as I could
but the water was cold soon a crowd
formed they gave me a nickname on the
spot one that still haunts me [Music]
[Music]
Acorn my awful non-french parents even
but that's all in the past what do you
have for me well we just need your
approval on our next product name sal
manella sal
God what nothing nothing no what's my
other choice people usually give me two
choices ah
se isn't that a disease it's a condition
I like the first one by this time next
year I want every person in the country
to be driving a salmonella it's not
necessarily a car it's not then why are
we giving it a car name what else do you
have how about the grunt Master the
grunt master I don't know it's missing
6000 that's it less features than the
grunt Master 9,000 but just as
fun good work Dilbert wait
chicken did you ever come up with a name
for your product it's a long story
gruntmaster 6000 really that doesn't
sound like a long story it is a long
story I made a suggestion you took it
not so long there was a lot more we had
meetings and pre- meetings and a a dancing
dancing
Acorn burn a strip mall and almost
turned into a chicken and then you used
my suggestion grun Master
6000 whose turn is it you know what I
next on channel 7
America's favorite media generated
disasters I can't believe you watch this
stuff tonight we'll show you how One
camera crew provoked Madonna to break
her foot ow I think I broke my foot do
you ever get tired of watching bad
things happen to people that's crazy
talk I mean don't you think people have
enough problems without the media
creating new ones sometimes the natural
disasters aren't spread evenly across
the week you need filler filler speaking
of which how was your day talk about
disasters the executive new product
evaluation subcommittee has recommended
to the executive new product committee
to push up the deadline on the
gruntmaster 6000 project because of some
scarless rumor that one of our
competitors allegedly not even in our
field although that can't be confirmed
because we don't know what field we're
in is releasing a similarly themed
product that might possibly have some
aspect in common with or overlap in some
slight way the gruntmaster 6000 now the
[Music]
weeks what makes you qualified to be a
reporter I'm willing to violate anyone's
privacy for my personal gain and then
claim with a straight face that the
public has a right to know have you been
using me as your main source of Industry
information no not the main source I
also make stuff up for instance I've
started a rumor that your company is a
front for an international organ
harvesting cult organ harvesting cult
really so where exactly did you hear
[Music] [Laughter]
[Applause] [Music]
h [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music]
first off dilbo we want to tell you what
a terrific job you've done on the punt
Blaster the even Product Industry news
says so they called it a product worthy
of a better company oh yeah excellent
who the man you the man thanks by the
way it's actually called the grunt
Master whoa look who's getting our
proprietary easy guy no point in getting
married to a name at this stage come now
one name's as good as another stop being
so rigid you're the one who insisted
that the name was the most important
part of the project I have no
that the name is the most important part
of the project I cannot EMP emphasize
this strongly
enough and once we have an aim there's
no going back that's my final word Alice
are you getting this all on [Music]
[Music] tape
tape
wow I have a beautiful speaking voice
well like we said we think you're 90%
there these changes we're thinking of
here are purely tweaks nothing that's
going to change the thrust of what
you're trying to do with this in any any
way I like the way you said any twice it
shows you
care you care these changes are really
up to you they couldn't matter less feel
free to ignore any two of them as long
as they're not two of [Laughter]
mine hear what I'm saying but seriously
dilb we need to reach a demographic
group that you may have overlooked
consumers right the people who are going
to buy this thing are going to want it
not just for whatever the heck it is
it's an exercise
machine for real how can you possibly
Market something if you don't even know
what it is who put the brakes on the
negativity Express it's not only
possible it's possible all you've got to
do is give it more attitude make it more
retro but not antique you know
futuristic but not techno sexier but
more gender neutral you see what we're
after here right I think we're all on
the same page what page is that so we're
still on track for a spring roll out
right we have to debut the grunt Master
before the competition has a chance to
get the jump on us I don't see anything
that could stand in our way sanity
reality the laws of
physics looks like we're done here
dilbero I think I speak for everybody
here when I say we've got complete
confidence that you can pull this off
oh my God this can't be good look at
that it's got a capital letter in the
middle German spelling and it's
a a thousand higher than
ours I've brought it to my attention
that our biggest competitor
nirvano the greatest engineering firm of
all time the executives actually listen
to what you tell them and respond with
neither sarcasm nor total
incomprehension the rumor is they treat
you like a human being and I would love
to be treated like a human being just
boy we've got a crisis on our hands if
they debut their grunt Meister 7,000 in
3 weeks they'll completely dominate the
market don't they already dominate the
market if you believe the Bible of our
industry anyway we're going to move the
production schedule ahead again what how
can we possibly speed up the schedule
anymore I've given that a lot of thought
have you no but nevertheless I realize
it would be impossible for you people to
work any harder than you already are
this is going to be bad or any longer
than you already are uhoh so we're going
to work tighter what tighter what the
heck does that mean security stripped
tight security Nano seems to know our
every move and then beat us to the punch
if this Phantom Insider knows what's
going on in Nirvana
he's sure to be snooping around here now
our security consultant Mr dogbert has
outlined a series of strict new
protocols to ensure nothing leaks out to
the media all right people listen up
nursery school is over I don't know what
you've been doing up until now but from
now on things around here are going to
be done by the book there's going to be
full frontal and backal strip searches
all communication will be done in the
form of codes which will be changed on a
daily basis is there a banjo player in
Farmer Johansson's Silo a pigeon has no
use for keys he opens doors with his
song All company documents will be
printed on edible paper for immediate
memorization and
consumption this is going to be great
what are you talking about it's going to
be like living under martial law in some
kind of post-apocalyptic nightmare
exactly do you know how desperate women
get under martial law in some kind of
post-apocalyptic nightmare I guess I
haven't studied it as extensively as you
you got that right it was the topic of
my graduate [Music]
thesis empty your pockets please [Music]
[Music]
[Music]
here where do you think you're going to
get the phone oh no I'm not falling for
that one
again okay fine I'm [Music]
going flaming Commando to central
control I have an intruder situation in
area 4 G1 n/x yk2 LM rainbow Bravo nylon
Delta tangle
Fox I add this one trying to escape
what since when is leaving your cubicle
to use the bathroom escaping since 2:30
this afternoon good work
Leonard why are we here what have we
done wrong I'll tell you what you've
done wrong someone in this room is a
traitor what are you talking about I'll
tell you what I'm talking about someone
in this room leaked information to this
magazine regarding our new security
measures now before you go accusing each
other let me accuse you Alice you're out
of your mind I was going to say let me
say why it couldn't be
Alice you see I've been watching you
nonstop on the security monitors but we
all have those cameras in our cubes yes
but I've only been watching hers woo
that's a relief can I get back to filing
my harassment suit soon now Wall-E this
current state of Siege is the only
chance you will ever ever have of
scoring is that right oh yeah definitely
no question there no other way so it
would not be in your best interest to
sabotage such a rare and favorable
situation would it hey no it wouldn't
that leaves Dilbert and Loud Howard I
think we'd all agree it's impossible for
Howard to do anything in secret why do
you say things that you know will hurt
me which I'm sorry to say leaves only
one possible suspect one who had the
means the motive and the
opportunity well the uh it's the means
anyway it's Delbert but profanity won't
help you now son this is so hard for me
to say actually it's not you're fired
clean out your desk and leave but I but
I can't believe this is happening you're
making a terrible mistake I'm I'm a
model employee but not a working
model I wish I were the kind of person
who didn't stand for this sort of
treatment everybody down he's becoming [Music]
disgruntled I can't believe
it this cubicle has been My Sanctuary
now I'm just a refugee a cubicle Nomad
doomed to roam the Earth in search of a
new Oasis in the harsh corporate
Wasteland well you know as long as you
remember nothing is worth committing
suicide over I wasn't planning on
committing suicide are you sure yes
think about it Dilbert an eternity of
Peace no I have Jack cavan's home number
chair I don't wear [Music]
boxers tonight at 11: could a giant
squid really eat a major metropolitan
area find out how to protect your family
why is the news always the same as the
minseries that was just on what are the
odds of that there's some things you're
not meant to know I have to get a job
I've been moping around the house for 12
hours and 27 minutes I'm not bothering
you am I being around all the time oh
it's an adjustment in the same sense as
for example being buried alive what I'd
really like to get is a job at Nirvana
company I'll take care of it plan to
report to work on Monday you can get me
a job at Nirvana how that's another one
of those things you're not meant to
know maybe I don't want to [Music]
know we were all very impressed with
your resume Dilbert did I send a resume
I believe your assistant a Mr dogbert
was kind enough to forward it we usually
insist on an interview before offering a
job but how many double Nobel Prize
winners does one see [Music]
[Music]
ah you may have heard we have a
different way of doing things around
here that you'll have to get used to but
I think you'll enjoy the level of
Freedom we allow our
employes thank you [Music]
[Music]
here's one of our Recreation rooms as
you can see at Nana Company employee
happiness comes first just like in the
space colonies of the
future oh thank you I was wondering
would it be at all possible for me to
Project D it if there were such a
project believe me I'd not only put you
on it but you'd be the head designer
with a staff of assistance and a budget
that would would choke a WID necked
animal what do you mean if there were
such a project you must be talking about
that article in Product Industry news
complete fiction I don't know how they
get away with publishing that rubbish
and I certainly can't imagine anyone
taking it seriously now would you like
to see your new offices
offices I'll leave you to acclimate to
your new surroundings if you need
anything the robots are programmed to
respond to your thoughts [Music]
door I sure do miss him have you talked
who I'm going to need a marrow sample
poke away my good man take as much as
you want drain
meow oh w-e are you all right all right
I hope this never [Music]
ends my
shirona this this is just impossible how
am I going to get any work done if
[Music]
PIN I'd like the forms to requisition a
pen please forms for a pen ultimately
yes but we both know it's not going to
be that easy come on in pens are in a 5
take what you need rotation tank time
will now commence in the main [Music]
[Music] Atrium
Atrium [Music]
[Music]
what are you doing waiting for you to
finish well I might be a while you could
use one of the other
machines they're working of course they
are what kind of M house is [Music]
[Music]
this hey good to see you good to see day
how you working on huh working we've
heard a lot about you I'll bet you're
inventing something pretty special uh
yeah yeah I'm I'm working on a u a
barbecue an underwater barbecue so when
you're scuba diving wow you are good I
just want to see if it can be done I'm
sure the marketing department will try
to kill it marketing department I'm not
sure we've got one who decides what
products to make who tells you your
ideas are idiotic wastes of time that
aren't commercial doesn't anyone step on
your dreams are you feeling okay yes I'm
I'm fine I just just didn't know how a
company can exist without a marketing
department hey what's wrong guys the new
guy has an idea to start a marketing
department what no no not at all I was
just saying I'd never heard of a company
without a hello Dilbert I'm the Vice
President in charge of immediately
implementing ideas that may adversely
affect the company now this idea of
yours for a marketing department sounds
a bit risky but here at Nirvana company
we pride ourselves on our willingness to
explore new directions until now it's
worked out great I only hope this isn't
the one time I'm calamitously wrong well good
good [Music]
[Music] day
day
uh-oh here's that marketing department
you've been so enthusiastic about
Dilbert I wouldn't say I was
enthusiastic their first recommendation
is we Gear Up Full Speed Ahead to market
what now first of all congratulations we
love this just a couple of thoughts one
does it have to be underwater and two
does it have to be a [Music]
[Music]
barbecue isn't that the whole point is
it I think we need to lose the
underwater part and the barbecue part
but it goes 86 it but then how do you
barbecue underwater sorry we couldn't
hear you your comments were drowned out
by a loud shriek from next door next
we're afraid that when it comes out of
the box it'll make a squeaking sound you
mean from the styrofoam packing material
it's a loser noise that sound test
extremely low are you trying this
marketing thing anywhere else in the
company or just here all over it's
go Nirvana company the world's greatest
company filed for bankruptcy today
inexplicable venture underwater cooking
headquarters destroyed in blaze Nirvana
Company's stock fell 180 points to -2 in
an eighth the company holds a single engineer
engineer
responsible well
congratulations for what destroying a
90-year-old company you're now well
known in your industry Fame is more
important than competence are you saying
I'm more employable as a famous screwup
than I was as a competent nobody that's
how it works I don't I don't see how
there's some things you're not meant to [Music]
[Music]
know well uh
Dilbert I see that your qualifications
are impeccable and even though I myself
or someone very much like me fired you
for divulging company Secrets I see that
you are now a wellknown industry figure
so yes you have entered a no marman song
home I'll introduce you around you'll
like w-e he's almost completely bald
sure I was wondering H seeing as the
main competition has gone Belly Up are
these security precautions still
necessary you know you're right I can
never remember the passwords anyway
attention employees attention as of this
moment all security procedures are
suspended please return to your normal
state of semios clock watching oh thank God
God finally
finally [Music]
[Music]
no oh well back to work [Music]
[Music] w
[Music]
I estimate this soap has one more good washing
left dang it's so small I can't even
find it what's with the bath did the
shower reject you again I'm trying to
think of a product idea I read that
Einstein did his best thinking in the
bath it's the warm water that's the same
theory behind instant soup would you
mind not staring at me uh what's the camera
camera
for that's my voice activat motion
sensitive hovering Dill camcorder
specially designed to record my
brilliant ideas oh I hope that's what
that's for I'm sitting in water I can't
use my laptop computer M so that's your
story yes it is as an engineer obviously
you know that a bathtub is the least
efficient form of bathing I'm thinking
up ideas you're sitting in your own
filth some of it's in the water it's
kind of like rinsing your fruit in the
sewer to wash the pesticides off okay
bath is over [Music]
[Music]
why don't you invent a product that
keeps your skin from wrinkling after a
bath kind of a de pruner dogbert that is
the vinest most superficial idea I've
ever heard thank you I don't want to De
prune people I want to make the world a
better place to live
in is this where you thought up your
invention that reversed global warming
yes the bath water helps me think and
why are you filming yourself I told you
I can't use the laptop in the bath so
you're sticking to that story yes I am
you know you're sitting in your own
filth I'm trying to think of an
invention to fix that too I think it's
called the shower this fantasy has been
ch ch [Music]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
ew
yuck all pedestrians eliminated game
over can we do some work now one more
game I think I can get to the rest home
if I blow up the daycare center welcome
to pedestrian outrage remember I'm the
only woman who loves you registered user
hooked we're on a deadline here we need
to design the company's new flagship
product and we need it yesterday
yesterday then it's already too late
game everything's been invented oh it
hasn't a time machine that's just one
example all right let's go with a time [Applause]
[Applause]
machine well that's it I'm in youred to violence
now oh how's the Prototype
coming a root ating Cube I like it can
we be first to Market that's a screen
saver I'll save the technical mumbo
jumbo I just want to know if it'll work
it'll work but everyone already has one
well that's no good what else do you
have we were tossing around the idea of
a time machine well You' better get
going on that I've heard there's a rival
engineering department right here in our
own organization moving into our turf
and developing their own prototype just
out of curiosity who's running the other department
Lena Lena you mean there really is a
Lena I always thought you was just a
myth she's more than a myth she's like
the zena of
Engineers I heard when she was attending
Welsley as a foreign exchange student
there was an incident where she severed
a couple of classmates heads with a hockey
stick none of the witnesses ever talked
about that day if no one talked how do
we know the story I read it on her web
page uh-oh I heard a rumor that she
steals the ideas of other engineers then
cuts off their head so they can't talk I
like Wally's story better anyway no
shame in being a runner up after all
Albany is beautiful this time of
year whoever designs the next prototype
will need more floor space I'll have to
relocate the unproductive Engineers to
our facility in Albany [Music]
hey look at this Alice home liposuction
kit you could take one of these babies
and we're doomed Lena's team is probably
half done with their prototype we don't
even have an idea Lena is totally
overrated we can beat her I don't care
if most of the engineers have gone over
to her side Lena's team is so big you
could get lost in the crowd and never
have to lift a finger they might get the
big raises in the party atmosphere but
they'll never know the satisfaction that
better can I help you I've got to get to
work and you're blocking me although it
might seem that way on the surface in
reality it's you that's blocking
yourself you're right
how do you know that it's what I do
you're a garbage man
exactly well can you at least move the
truck it is moving it only seems like
it's standing still by the way thanks for
Lena Dilbert I am so very sorry you must
have been in my blind spot I was right
in front of you exactly you look so pale
breathe I cannot tell you how excited I
am for the opportunity to work on a
prototype against such a pro like
yourself me I am a huge fan of your work
you are
I only hope I could come up with
something half as brilliant as
you cuz I'm sure as hell not going to
Albany you know you're slightly more
friendly than I imagined really you
don't say I mean all the gossip about
how Cutthroat in mellian you are well
you know how people exaggerate and the
rumors about Fred the engineer who
mysteriously disappeared after his
project went up against yours yes rumors
forward
H what did you bring for lunch oh
salad ah she touched
me hey gray you're finally getting into
it what'd you come up with uh it's
nothing nothing yet still a work in
progress give me a few minutes to clean
it up look there's no time for niceties
we're on a deadline just let me see what
the heck oh Lena sweet Lena a female
Divinity my passions exceed p r 2 *
infinity have you lost your mind that is
not only the most nauseating thing I've
ever read it's meaningless if our is
undefined poetic license man she must
have blown some smoke up your butt did
she use a giant fan or just some kind of
Hose I think you're jealous jealous
I think I speak for all women capable of
reproduction when I say no what's a word
that rhymes with gradient she is
sabotaging us have you ever been to
Albany gradient gradient radiant I can't
believe I'm saying this but I think we
were better off when Wally was here we
him Wally
us so it is he doesn't recognize us of
course he does Wall-E old pal we need
you to come back to the team I am not of
your team I am of Team Lena praise Lena
snap out of it you half wit oh pain Lena
said there would be pain for those who
leave I see she was right but I only
left to go to the bathroom Lena I'm
coming back Wally it's Dilbert and Alice
don't you remember us you you were from
the Before Time When I was not of Team
Lena praise
Lena Lena I return to you I swear I will
never use the men's room [Applause]
[Applause]
again boy he's got it bad the worst part
is I like him better this
way hey look at that she's holding me up
as an example to her team I told you she
me Victory is not enough we must destroy
our opponent we will not only build a
better prototype we will build it upon
the crushed bones and torn flesh of debert
Gilbert how wonderful to see you here
Alice Lena we were just passing by look
Dey I was wondering if you weren't doing
anything later maybe we could get
together and talk about thing oh uh uh
sure yeah uh my my cubicle is no no no
no not here at the office I was thinking
perhaps your place h
wo Dilbert yes around 7even great see
you tonight I got a date I got a date I
got a date yeah package for you [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Music]
Alice let's see Lena's plate is at
positive point5 longitude
-3 latitude my plate is at pos5
longitude positive 3 point latitude
Lena's Fork is at positive 2.5 longitude -3
-3
latitude Lena's
Fork decapitate Dilbert steel idea two
quarts milk a box of [Music]
musle H I hate origami
I have a date boy that was weird I
thought you said you had a date want to
buy a
tape I'm kind of busy right now half off
two for
one supplies are limited goodbye
dogbert Lena long time no see dogbert
always a
pleasure hello
Dilbert Lena did you have any trouble
finding the place no the global
positioning coordinates you gave were
perfect well come in sit down can I can
I get you something to [Music]
drink yes I'll have a triple Brandy
Alexander with an Easter Island Sunset
Chaser a
where how are those drinks coming dly
any minute now my Swedish
Swedish
meatball crap crud
idiocy garbage nothing
where would that imbecile keep his [Music]
[Music]
notes it's so small I I I can't even
know why don't you invent a product that
keeps your skin from wrinkling after a
bath kind of a de pruner it could work
it could just
that to [Music]
[Music] go
Lina holy mother [Music]
[Music]
hello oh my God Fred is that you
dillbert yes Dilbert this is Joe Frank
Ed and Larry hi how you doing hiber good
to see you again nice to meet you get
out while you still can get out yes get
out can't you see we're severed heads in
a jar well maybe it didn't work out with
you guys but that doesn't mean it won't
work out with me she really likes me she
said she like me too she said to all of us
us [Music]
[Music]
that's there you are what took you so long
long
what took me so [Music]
[Music]
long you built this VCR from broken
parts of a washing
machine oh it's so small I can't even find
find
it hey where'd you get that I got it
used as a swap meat I think you should
know this transdermal hydroelastic
regenerator is well within the realm of
possibility you mean the the de pruner
take a look well what do you know by increasing
look well what do you know by increasing the gaseous conduction analyzer and
the gaseous conduction analyzer and factoring in the shift of the gyroscopic
factoring in the shift of the gyroscopic stabilizer huh it's obvious in
stabilizer huh it's obvious in retrospect a Bonafide cell recycling
retrospect a Bonafide cell recycling machine well I'll be actually you
machine well I'll be actually you already are I don't know what to say I'm
already are I don't know what to say I'm not surprised can I have this what am I
not surprised can I have this what am I going to do with it I'm a garbage man
going to do with it I'm a garbage man [Music]
yes a cell recycling machine pretty darn spiffy Team Lena is going down must one
spiffy Team Lena is going down must one person's Triumph be another's
person's Triumph be another's humiliation of
course we stand at the dawning of a new age where man transcends his mortal ity
age where man transcends his mortal ity and becomes Superman yeah and I'm
and becomes Superman yeah and I'm Batgirl get on with it shh and so I
Batgirl get on with it shh and so I present to you the eight wonder of the
present to you the eight wonder of the world the de
[Music] pruner 36 hours 36 hours immersed in
pruner 36 hours 36 hours immersed in water I can't feel my legs Now Behold oh
water I can't feel my legs Now Behold oh oh
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
we better rent iron weed hey wallet I got your
got your trunks but the best part is what my
trunks but the best part is what my invention can do for your SX Li it's so
invention can do for your SX Li it's so small I can't even find
small I can't even find it oh yes deep pruning is the
it oh yes deep pruning is the Afrodisiac for married couples only of
Afrodisiac for married couples only of course she's making me think of sex at
course she's making me think of sex at the same time I see you naked now I've
the same time I see you naked now I've got Dilbert and sex in the same part of
got Dilbert and sex in the same part of my
my brain ow ow ow get it out you made this
brain ow ow ow get it out you made this happen you made me think of Dilbert and
happen you made me think of Dilbert and sex at the same time you've ruined sex
sex at the same time you've ruined sex for me forever I'm starting to be
for me forever I'm starting to be insulted Lena must pay
insulted Lena must pay [Applause]
Sil our special today is an angry horde of riers who will trample you and your
of riers who will trample you and your date ooh I'll have
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] that who forgive me Madam I had honey
that who forgive me Madam I had honey darling I can
darling I can explain hey that's some deal yeah I'll
explain hey that's some deal yeah I'll take two
take two [Music]
[Music] it's kind of funny how things turn out I
it's kind of funny how things turn out I haven't lost yet buddy boy I'll cut off
haven't lost yet buddy boy I'll cut off your head and send your scrawny
your head and send your scrawny girlfriend Alice to Albany
girlfriend Alice to Albany girlfriend me his have you gone
girlfriend me his have you gone mad she's nuts 75% off last chance
mad she's nuts 75% off last chance before they're pulled from the market
before they're pulled from the market repackaged as a deluxe edition and then
repackaged as a deluxe edition and then put back on the market
I've got images in my brain I'll never get
[Music] out I knew I shouldn't have added that
out I knew I shouldn't have added that [Music]
[Music] option well better this than Albany
I wonder how this shows up on our headcount
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Laughter]
[Laughter] report feeling inadequate not measuring
report feeling inadequate not measuring up to the other
up to the other guys well you're probably right so give
guys well you're probably right so give me $29.95 and I guarantee you'll feel a
me $29.95 and I guarantee you'll feel a lot
better it's so small I can't even find it I can't even find it I meant so it's
it I can't even find it I meant so it's so small I was talking about soap wasn't
so small I was talking about soap wasn't it obvious I was talking about soap soap
[Music] w
in you've got to start driving with more attitude attitude I've got attitude to
attitude attitude I've got attitude to spare please don't hurt me is not
spare please don't hurt me is not attitude it's an invitation to get
attitude it's an invitation to get capped why don't you use the
capped why don't you use the Whatchamacallit that's only for use in
Whatchamacallit that's only for use in dire emergencies like when I'm rushing
dire emergencies like when I'm rushing my future wife to the hospital to give
my future wife to the hospital to give birth so in other words never why are we
birth so in other words never why are we all forced to go to work at the same
all forced to go to work at the same time who arbitrarily decided that 8:00
time who arbitrarily decided that 8:00 a.m. was a good time for everyone to go
a.m. was a good time for everyone to go to work there would be no rush hour if
to work there would be no rush hour if there was no rush you have no
there was no rush you have no understanding of human nature if people
understanding of human nature if people weren't forced to come to work at a
weren't forced to come to work at a certain time they wouldn't come at all
certain time they wouldn't come at all you have no faith in humanity people are
you have no faith in humanity people are basically good no no help help me what
basically good no no help help me what should we do close the windows I'll turn
should we do close the windows I'll turn on the radio just don't change any of my
on the radio just don't change any of my presets no heaven for bid all music all
presets no heaven for bid all music all the time more music and much less talk
the time more music and much less talk we're the all music station except for
we're the all music station except for right now which is a fluk more than
right now which is a fluk more than anything this is a
anything this is a nightmare and business dude ah finally
nightmare and business dude ah finally stocks are way up again today as every
stocks are way up again today as every idiot with a telephone is dumping his
idiot with a telephone is dumping his lunch money into the market that's
lunch money into the market that's outrageous idiots shouldn't have money
outrageous idiots shouldn't have money they won't have it long the only people
they won't have it long the only people who make money in the stock market are
who make money in the stock market are the ones who manipulate the stock prices
the ones who manipulate the stock prices behind the scenes or the ones who write
behind the scenes or the ones who write books about investing they're the
[Music] worst great now traffic is completely
worst great now traffic is completely stopped
stopped [Music]
this is insane you know this would be a perfect time to field test this
thing okay but just once to see if it works on my Mark 3 2 1
nice shooting somehow I just don't feel right about that just drive got a book
right about that just drive got a book to right
down [Music]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] Wally I hold it oh hello Dilbert hello
Wally I hold it oh hello Dilbert hello Dilbert nothing were you just reading a
Dilbert nothing were you just reading a book are you Bonkers what makes you
book are you Bonkers what makes you think that my own eyes hardly a reliable
think that my own eyes hardly a reliable source I just saw you you did not then
source I just saw you you did not then what is this oh that that is not a book
what is this oh that that is not a book it's a way of life Get Rich or get out
it's a way of life Get Rich or get out of my way investing dog bird style it's
of my way investing dog bird style it's full of investment tips that no one ever
full of investment tips that no one ever thought of before I've done the first
thought of before I've done the first exercise and already I'm a Millionaire
exercise and already I'm a Millionaire on paper what was the exercise you write
on paper what was the exercise you write down on a piece of paper I Wally am a
down on a piece of paper I Wally am a millionaire millionaire has two L's like
millionaire millionaire has two L's like your name which oddly enough you also
your name which oddly enough you also spelled wrong uh that's my nickname
spelled wrong uh that's my nickname Wally with one L who calls you that most
Wally with one L who calls you that most people they just don't realize it and
people they just don't realize it and now you're going to apply your special
now you're going to apply your special brand of Genius to the stock market the
brand of Genius to the stock market the time to strike is nigh are you in did
time to strike is nigh are you in did you say nigh it's a word how about if I
you say nigh it's a word how about if I just watch and stun silence for the
just watch and stun silence for the first
first round welcome to dogbert's More Than
round welcome to dogbert's More Than full price Brokers where your dreams
full price Brokers where your dreams turn into large transaction fees
overnight okay let's see invest in the company where you work only if you have
company where you work only if you have ACC actual knowledge of what's going on
ACC actual knowledge of what's going on inside the company insider trading is
inside the company insider trading is illegal you could go to jail well I'll
illegal you could go to jail well I'll need to review the RFP for the BGA
need to review the RFP for the BGA project before the ioc meeting well that
project before the ioc meeting well that has Alibi written all over it are you
has Alibi written all over it are you in okay I'm in excellent now uh what's
in okay I'm in excellent now uh what's the name of the company we work for this
the name of the company we work for this week hm we were called pathway
week hm we were called pathway Electronics then we merged with ech
Electronics then we merged with ech management now I guess we're petech
management now I guess we're petech management
management all right turn on the financial Channel
all right turn on the financial Channel and get ready to
and get ready to score as I said weakness in the Japanese
score as I said weakness in the Japanese Yen the Swiss frank and the Russian uh
Yen the Swiss frank and the Russian uh snotrag are all bad news for poorly
snotrag are all bad news for poorly managed multinational companies we're a
managed multinational companies we're a poorly managed multinational company as
poorly managed multinational company as soon as he said that our stock went down
soon as he said that our stock went down join me in 10 minutes when I explain why
join me in 10 minutes when I explain why poorly managed multinational companies
poorly managed multinational companies are a great bargain we're back up I'm
are a great bargain we're back up I'm seeing a pattern here the stock plummets
seeing a pattern here the stock plummets on bad news which ironically is the best
on bad news which ironically is the best time to buy and the stock Soares on good
time to buy and the stock Soares on good news which is obviously the time to sell
news which is obviously the time to sell it's go time major lawsuits over product
it's go time major lawsuits over product liability by the company announced more
liability by the company announced more layoffs to cut costs sell alleged
layoffs to cut costs sell alleged accounting irregularities by devil or
accounting irregularities by devil or nothing new product announced that will
nothing new product announced that will compete in the vaporware arena
selly that was exciting well back to work back to work we're on a hot streak
work back to work we're on a hot streak yes and if we keep going we'll be on a
yes and if we keep going we'll be on a cold streak let's leave it at that
cold streak let's leave it at that was you can't get out now you're in too
was you can't get out now you're in too deep there's no turning back it's all in
deep there's no turning back it's all in the book that book is worthless we're
the book that book is worthless we're going to be ruined and now investment
going to be ruined and now investment Guru dog B quiet it's him hello the
Guru dog B quiet it's him hello the Chinese have a word for crisis it's made
Chinese have a word for crisis it's made up of two characters danger and
up of two characters danger and opportunity although this has nothing to
opportunity although this has nothing to do with anything I enjoy mentioning it
do with anything I enjoy mentioning it what should we do now now now is
what should we do now now now is definitely the time to buy I thought you
definitely the time to buy I thought you were supposed to buy when the stock is
were supposed to buy when the stock is low have I ever lied to you about 1,000
low have I ever lied to you about 1,000 times you don't have to throw it in my
times you don't have to throw it in my face sorry I'll take care of the stock
face sorry I'll take care of the stock price excuse me a
[Music] minute you were caught in a jungle voodo
minute you were caught in a jungle voodo orgy with a cast of Deep Space 9
orgy with a cast of Deep Space 9 no well yes Samuel serve the poison must
no well yes Samuel serve the poison must I
yes wow he really earns his commissions the stock is so cheap now we can buy a
the stock is so cheap now we can buy a controlling interest in our own company
controlling interest in our own company let's do it wait I what are we ready for
let's do it wait I what are we ready for the responsibility that comes with
the responsibility that comes with owning the company uh I'll say no this
owning the company uh I'll say no this is serious we will inherit a moral
is serious we will inherit a moral obligation to the other stockholders yes
obligation to the other stockholders yes but more importantly to Society at large
but more importantly to Society at large who died made you the dolly Lama all I'm
who died made you the dolly Lama all I'm saying is look mahma we're not trying to
saying is look mahma we're not trying to change the world here we're trying to
change the world here we're trying to make some quick cash in the market and
make some quick cash in the market and considering it's 11:30 and we started at
considering it's 11:30 and we started at 9:00 I'd say we're doing pretty good but
9:00 I'd say we're doing pretty good but we could change things change them for
we could change things change them for the better I've always felt if I had an
the better I've always felt if I had an opportunity to run things I would be a
opportunity to run things I would be a kind and benevolent boss employees would
kind and benevolent boss employees would be free to come and go as they please to
be free to come and go as they please to choose hours that fit their lifestyles
choose hours that fit their lifestyles in a word Flex time yeah yeah yeah Flex
in a word Flex time yeah yeah yeah Flex time schme time great idea I love it can
time schme time great idea I love it can we just execute the buy already Wally
we just execute the buy already Wally look at me and tell me we're going to do
look at me and tell me we're going to do the right thing I will tell you we're
the right thing I will tell you we're doing the right thing but I will not
doing the right thing but I will not look at you Wally you do whatever you
look at you Wally you do whatever you want me I'm cashing out you plan to
want me I'm cashing out you plan to retire retire from what I don't do
retire retire from what I don't do anything now except surf the net why
anything now except surf the net why should I pay for that besides I really
should I pay for that besides I really like the coffee here fellas tick tick
like the coffee here fellas tick tick tick carpet DM Delbert season the day
tick carpet DM Delbert season the day what carpedm I think that's a fish boys
what carpedm I think that's a fish boys okay okay good you two now own 51% of
okay okay good you two now own 51% of the company yeah but the Stock's not
the company yeah but the Stock's not worth anything I'll be right
back hello I'm dog and welcome to Shams scams and flim flams in review today our
scams and flim flams in review today our Round Table of financial experts include
Round Table of financial experts include Vlad Corfu financial planner for the
Vlad Corfu financial planner for the firm of Draymond Hal and Corfu welcome
firm of Draymond Hal and Corfu welcome my next guest is is a pension fund
my next guest is is a pension fund manager for pogram Investments trailer
manager for pogram Investments trailer Baron our next guest runs her own
Baron our next guest runs her own investment firm hey it's me Investments
investment firm hey it's me Investments Esther bester and my final guest is a
Esther bester and my final guest is a bear from the circus formerly from the
bear from the circus formerly from the woods do you have a name they call me
woods do you have a name they call me brownie okay let's talk about the market
brownie okay let's talk about the market what Market the stock market oh you had
what Market the stock market oh you had me worried there thought you meant the
me worried there thought you meant the white slave market of which I know
white slave market of which I know nothing does anybody care that I'm a
nothing does anybody care that I'm a bear I'm not thrilled if we good people
bear I'm not thrilled if we good people let's talk about the swirling rumors
let's talk about the swirling rumors surrounding a supposed takeover of
surrounding a supposed takeover of pathetic Management Incorporated has
pathetic Management Incorporated has anyone heard that rumor I heard a rumor
anyone heard that rumor I heard a rumor that everyone in that company's gay or
that everyone in that company's gay or at least bisexual I heard they kidnap
at least bisexual I heard they kidnap little children and drink their blood
little children and drink their blood from little plastic cups that they make
from little plastic cups that they make themselves from detergent bottles
themselves from detergent bottles anybody hear anything about the Takeover
anybody hear anything about the Takeover why are you looking at me I'm a bear
why are you looking at me I'm a bear he's just looking I swear to God I'll
he's just looking I swear to God I'll come over there and one swipe with my
come over there and one swipe with my claw and you will not have a face my
claw and you will not have a face my friend okay I have a poison dart gun you
friend okay I have a poison dart gun you won't know what hit you you won't be
won't know what hit you you won't be able to reload it fast enough before I
able to reload it fast enough before I rip you in half if I go down I'll take
rip you in half if I go down I'll take the rest of you with me okay that's it
the rest of you with me okay that's it what about the Takeover rumors people
what about the Takeover rumors people that's what I don't need this yeah do
that's what I don't need this yeah do you need a hideous scar across your
you need a hideous scar across your entire body listen Buster I'm the owner
entire body listen Buster I'm the owner of hay it's me Investments you keep
of hay it's me Investments you keep messing with me and it's going to be
messing with me and it's going to be called hey it was you you hear me you
called hey it was you you hear me you hear me okay you take that
back I believe we have a consensus follow dogbert's advice follow
consensus follow dogbert's advice follow dogbert's advice follow follow follow
dogbert's advice follow follow follow follow follow dog's advice we're off to
follow follow dog's advice we're off to spend the money Alice we have a
spend the money Alice we have a controlling interest in the company
controlling interest in the company we're both billionaires you'll be
we're both billionaires you'll be corrupted like the rest money is the
corrupted like the rest money is the root of all evil it eats you from the
root of all evil it eats you from the inside out until you die a slow and
inside out until you die a slow and lonely death I'll give you a billion
lonely death I'll give you a billion dollars in stock if you'll shut up deal
whatever you two did it boosted the stock to record highs you've made the
stock to record highs you've made the rich richer and given the chef to the
rich richer and given the chef to the small investors who bailed out too soon
small investors who bailed out too soon very evil good work thanks evil oh by
very evil good work thanks evil oh by the way there's a board meeting in half
the way there's a board meeting in half an hour as the company's major
an hour as the company's major stockholders it might be a good idea to
stockholders it might be a good idea to make an appearance for appearance sake
make an appearance for appearance sake will there be food food do the finest
will there be food food do the finest Donuts in the building sound like food
Donuts in the building sound like food to you Ambrosia from the gods Dilbert
to you Ambrosia from the gods Dilbert we've arrived
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] hey Gilbert do I have anything here
hey Gilbert do I have anything here that's the only spot you don't have
that's the only spot you don't have anything don't you want to earn these
anything don't you want to earn these people's respect we are these people so
people's respect we are these people so we only have to earn our own respect do
we only have to earn our own respect do you respect me no do you respect
you respect me no do you respect yourself no do you respect me are you
yourself no do you respect me are you kidding do you respect yourself not
kidding do you respect yourself not really all right let's just be quiet
really all right let's just be quiet gentlemen Gentlemen let's get things
gentlemen Gentlemen let's get things started I know we all want to get back
started I know we all want to get back to more pressing matters now the first
to more pressing matters now the first item on the agenda is to welcome our
item on the agenda is to welcome our newest board members and as of this
newest board members and as of this morning actual majority owners of the
morning actual majority owners of the company Dilbert and Wall-E I just wanted
company Dilbert and Wall-E I just wanted to say woo nice chip Harry thanks Roy
to say woo nice chip Harry thanks Roy mind if I play through go right ahead
I just wanted to say it's an honor to stand among such an esteemed and
stand among such an esteemed and August uh group and I hope Wally and I
August uh group and I hope Wally and I hey what's your handicap he doesn't know
hey what's your handicap he doesn't know when to shut
when to shut up doesn't know when to up oh you two
up doesn't know when to up oh you two are going to fit right in here and I'm
are going to fit right in here and I'm referring of course only to Wall-E next
referring of course only to Wall-E next order of business read back the minutes
order of business read back the minutes of the last meeting we gave each other
of the last meeting we gave each other stock options discussed ways to ignore
stock options discussed ways to ignore the needs of others and Hamilton had a
the needs of others and Hamilton had a racial joke thank you Bill now onto a
racial joke thank you Bill now onto a more pressing matter gentlemen and I say
more pressing matter gentlemen and I say gentlemen cuz there ain't no damn way a
gentlemen cuz there ain't no damn way a woman's going to sit on this board While
woman's going to sit on this board While I'm
I'm Alive what he was going to say was
Alive what he was going to say was apparently despite our best efforts the
apparently despite our best efforts the company is not losing money fast enough
company is not losing money fast enough excuse me did you just say the company
excuse me did you just say the company wasn't losing money fast enough jeez
wasn't losing money fast enough jeez Wally can't you rain this guy he's like
Wally can't you rain this guy he's like a loose cannon Gilbert will you stop
a loose cannon Gilbert will you stop embarrassing yourself if you read
embarrassing yourself if you read dogbert's book you'd know that a fast
dogbert's book you'd know that a fast growing company always loses money while
growing company always loses money while it's expanding we're not a fast growing
it's expanding we're not a fast growing company and we never will be if we don't
company and we never will be if we don't lose more money so uh suggestions on how
lose more money so uh suggestions on how we can lose money faster uh what if we
we can lose money faster uh what if we just well gave it to
me oh Wally you're a card this guy kills me next order of business we have to
me next order of business we have to select a new CEO as tradition dictates
select a new CEO as tradition dictates whosoever can remove this nine iron from
whosoever can remove this nine iron from the golf bag will be proclaimed chief
the golf bag will be proclaimed chief executive
executive [Music]
[Music] officer Wow first guy who tried just
officer Wow first guy who tried just like the other
times can I just say one thing yes but put his gag on
first can I just say one thing is it about golf not really not even
about golf not really not even peripherally no could you at least hold
peripherally no could you at least hold a golf club while you talk I guess so
a golf club while you talk I guess so Han a wedge
Han a wedge ra when I became a major stockholder of
ra when I became a major stockholder of this firm I felt it was my duty to
this firm I felt it was my duty to improve employee morale anyway I
improve employee morale anyway I searched my soul although I realized
searched my soul although I realized science doesn't accept its existence and
science doesn't accept its existence and I decided the best way to help the
I decided the best way to help the employees would be to introduce Flex
employees would be to introduce Flex time all in favor say
ah the resolution passes unanimously from now on all employees can make their
from now on all employees can make their own schedules you were a little too
own schedules you were a little too quick to
quick to agree I have my reasons chapter 8
agree I have my reasons chapter 8 screwing it
screwing it up Flex time you mean we can come and go
up Flex time you mean we can come and go as we please that's right from now on
as we please that's right from now on you're all masters of your own
[Music] I hope someone turned off the coffee
makers o this turned out even better than I expected you compassionate
than I expected you compassionate bastard you've ruined
[Applause] me
four they say no one ever faced death wishing they'd spent more time at the
wishing they'd spent more time at the office I guess I'm the first
Mother of Mercy take me home St Peter why hast Thou forsaken me because you
why hast Thou forsaken me because you were an atheist until you hit the
were an atheist until you hit the ground mental note next time find
ground mental note next time find religion
religion first welcome back we were talking about
first welcome back we were talking about rumors of the Takeover of the company
rumors of the Takeover of the company and the sudden and precipitous Plunge in
and the sudden and precipitous Plunge in share price following Dilbert's Flex
share price following Dilbert's Flex time announcement trailer I believe you
time announcement trailer I believe you had a few points
had a few points Vlad do you have anything to add ah it's
Vlad do you have anything to add ah it's burning it's burning so bad and not
burning it's burning so bad and not everyone would agree Esther apparently
everyone would agree Esther apparently you've spoken to officials at the
you've spoken to officials at the security Exchange Commission what do you
security Exchange Commission what do you see on the
horizon no I don't believe faces grow back but thanks and finally brownie the
back but thanks and finally brownie the bear is dead I want to thank animal
bear is dead I want to thank animal control for their quick action now I
control for their quick action now I have a stockholders meeting to attend
fortunately for me I am a long-term investor Mr chairman how can you explain
investor Mr chairman how can you explain the moves you've made that seem to be
the moves you've made that seem to be deliberate attempts to destroy pathetic
deliberate attempts to destroy pathetic Management Incorporated and send the
Management Incorporated and send the stock plummeting I don't have to answer
stock plummeting I don't have to answer to you of course you do we're the
to you of course you do we're the shareholders still you should have sold
shareholders still you should have sold hours ago it's all in my book on sale in
hours ago it's all in my book on sale in the lobby buy a copy as they kick you
the lobby buy a copy as they kick you out
I've owned a share of this company since my dear blessed Father rest his soul in
my dear blessed Father rest his soul in the sweet bosom of the Lord passed it on
the sweet bosom of the Lord passed it on to me on his deathbed you only own one
to me on his deathbed you only own one share of stock don't interrupt me I
share of stock don't interrupt me I would like to know why the company
would like to know why the company stopped making those lovely biscuits
stopped making those lovely biscuits with the pink sugar icing in the middle
with the pink sugar icing in the middle well I never care for them myself but
well I never care for them myself but they were my dear sweet father's
they were my dear sweet father's favorite bedtime treat every night he'd
favorite bedtime treat every night he'd pour himself a gigantic tumbler of sky
pour himself a gigantic tumbler of sky scch and eat 20 or 30 of those biscuits
scch and eat 20 or 30 of those biscuits until he collapsed on the kitchen floor
until he collapsed on the kitchen floor screaming for his insulin and then
screaming for his insulin and then mother would put it in a tissue box and
mother would put it in a tissue box and bury it in the backyard okay we're just
bury it in the backyard okay we're just about out of time here I'm not finished
about out of time here I'm not finished your filthy
your filthy little over you'll be dragging back a
little over you'll be dragging back a bloody by the way as of this moment the
bloody by the way as of this moment the stock is worth about 610 of a cent
stock is worth about 610 of a cent anybody who wants to get out before
anybody who wants to get out before being totally bankrupt I'm offering 3/10
being totally bankrupt I'm offering 3/10 of a cent per share
Wally what should we do Wally you boys really screwed up a good thing now that
really screwed up a good thing now that my filthy riches are gone I'm just
my filthy riches are gone I'm just filthy nobody wants that
filthy nobody wants that nobody Wally where have you been I had
nobody Wally where have you been I had to transact some business wow that was
to transact some business wow that was exciting that buying frenzy sent the
exciting that buying frenzy sent the stock back up to a new all-time high
stock back up to a new all-time high buying frenzy I thought it was a selling
buying frenzy I thought it was a selling frenzy you're one frenzy behind hey we
frenzy you're one frenzy behind hey we didn't sell we're still the majority
didn't sell we're still the majority shareholders and we're billionaires
shareholders and we're billionaires again we're hanging in there right Wally
again we're hanging in there right Wally old buddy I sold everything while the
old buddy I sold everything while the old lady was belly aching w-e it was in
old lady was belly aching w-e it was in the book that's right it's all in the
the book that's right it's all in the last chapter congratulations you're
last chapter congratulations you're broke well I'm glad I didn't sell
broke well I'm glad I didn't sell actually you did you ought to change the
actually you did you ought to change the password on your brokerage account this
password on your brokerage account this sort of thing wouldn't
sort of thing wouldn't happen if everyone sold their stock I
happen if everyone sold their stock I wonder who bought it all
wonder who bought it all [Music]
wow there's no traffic yeah that Flex time really works so now that you own
time really works so now that you own the company what are you going to do oh
the company what are you going to do oh I guess you haven't heard
I guess you haven't heard what
what K music Mak you D okay ow we're so
K music Mak you D okay ow we're so distorted you can't even tell what I'm
saying I changed the pr I can see
I can see that ah here we go and in business news
that ah here we go and in business news it's official entrepreneur investment
it's official entrepreneur investment Guru dogbert has sold his controlling
Guru dogbert has sold his controlling interest in dog bird Incorporated for
interest in dog bird Incorporated for $100
$100 billion not quite that much there's no
billion not quite that much there's no word on what the new company will be
word on what the new company will be named Hey look
oh You Haven't Seen the Last of Me buddy reset my radio haunt you down I will not
reset my radio haunt you down I will not rest until I see you offer for what
rest until I see you offer for what you've done to me I will nightmare you
you've done to me I will nightmare you you
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] H let's see name dog BT height varies
H let's see name dog BT height varies depending on my speed relative to The
depending on my speed relative to The Observer wait is a sensation caused by
Observer wait is a sensation caused by the gravitational warping of space
the gravitational warping of space time age H according to Einstein time is
time age H according to Einstein time is merely a persistant illusion take that
merely a persistant illusion take that what are you doing I'm applying for a
what are you doing I'm applying for a slot on the space shuttle I think a lot
slot on the space shuttle I think a lot of these are trick questions what
of these are trick questions what qualifications do you have to fly on the
qualifications do you have to fly on the space shuttle none but strangely enough
space shuttle none but strangely enough that doesn't disqualify me
that doesn't disqualify me [Music]
[Music] that's it I think I've done it that's
that's it I think I've done it that's not the word on the street no I've been
not the word on the street no I've been trying to achieve the perfect ratio of
trying to achieve the perfect ratio of mango flavored hyper juice to Water by
mango flavored hyper juice to Water by shining a laser through it and measuring
shining a laser through it and measuring its absorption rate I think I've done it
its absorption rate I think I've done it there's one small nothing for mankind
there's one small nothing for mankind have you tried following the directions
have you tried following the directions on the back
on the back [Music]
ow now look what you did I think you better put that
did I think you better put that [Music]
[Music] away what's really bothering you nothing
away what's really bothering you nothing something's bothering you no it's not
something's bothering you no it's not come on no really spit it out oh all
come on no really spit it out oh all right if you must know wow sometimes I
right if you must know wow sometimes I amaze
amaze myself today we start the most
myself today we start the most frustrating phase of product development
frustrating phase of product development test the Prototype ah so you're riddled
test the Prototype ah so you're riddled with insecurities about your performance
with insecurities about your performance no maybe you should be the test engineer
no maybe you should be the test engineer assigned to my prototype is a legend his
assigned to my prototype is a legend his name is Bob bastard oh you better throw
name is Bob bastard oh you better throw in the towel look dog bird I spent a lot
in the towel look dog bird I spent a lot of time working on this product the
of time working on this product the gruntmaster 6000 is my baby even though
gruntmaster 6000 is my baby even though it Bears no resemblance to what I
it Bears no resemblance to what I originally
originally conceived are you listening to any of
conceived are you listening to any of this you conceived a baby but it Bears
this you conceived a baby but it Bears no resemblance to
no resemblance to you
you peer here drink
ch [Music]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] Dilbert I want you to know I have the
Dilbert I want you to know I have the utmost confidence in you and your team
utmost confidence in you and your team you do I do what never mind
you do I do what never mind hi guys sorry I'm
late I stopped off at Starbucks wow Bob bastard what's with
Starbucks wow Bob bastard what's with the mask yeah I've got to ask him where
the mask yeah I've got to ask him where he bought it it's so sad what
mask I believe you're on fire oh you got that right what a showoff can't he just
that right what a showoff can't he just walk in the door like everybody else
walk in the door like everybody else Dilbert black no sugar Wall-E cream with
Dilbert black no sugar Wall-E cream with sugar boss decaf with equal
sugar boss decaf with equal Alice Cafe
you it's nice to meet you Mr bastard my father's Mr bastard I'm Bob no coffee
father's Mr bastard I'm Bob no coffee for you Bob no oh I'm so jacked up my
for you Bob no oh I'm so jacked up my head's ready to
explode Dilbert slurping is so rude but it's hot I hate slurping that's what
it's hot I hate slurping that's what broke up my marriage if you ever do that
broke up my marriage if you ever do that in front of me again I will throw that
in front of me again I will throw that hot coffee in your face and you can
hot coffee in your face and you can slurp it through your pores you hear me
slurp it through your pores you hear me do you
do you whoa as if I could slurp through my
whoa as if I could slurp through my pores well now that that's all settled
pores well now that that's all settled let the testing
let the testing [Laughter]
[Laughter] [Music]
begin first the rock and roll test to determine the prototype's ability to
determine the prototype's ability to withstand differing levels of seismic
activity I tell you Bob you're like a celebrity around here grotesque and evil
celebrity around here grotesque and evil yet famous and surprisingly polite de a
yet famous and surprisingly polite de a golf excuse me I'm working the man is
working have you heard their last CD wild stuff
maybe it's me but I just don't see it's you
[Laughter] sorry my friends but it's better to find
sorry my friends but it's better to find the problems now than to send a
the problems now than to send a defective product into the market to
defective product into the market to shatter the lives of innocent
shatter the lives of innocent people well it's a gray
he's like a wounded bird a vulture but still that's a
still that's a [Music]
[Music] bird you're going into space good
bird you're going into space good observation potato boy I'll send you a
observation potato boy I'll send you a postcard I don't think you can send a
postcard I don't think you can send a postcard from outer space Oh it can be
postcard from outer space Oh it can be done but you might see a little jump in
done but you might see a little jump in your next tax bill what are you planning
your next tax bill what are you planning on doing with my
on doing with my laser did you know there no laws in
a little to the left no uh a little to the right now a
left no uh a little to the right now a little to the left my left or your left
little to the left my left or your left what's the difference my left is your
what's the difference my left is your right and your right is my left just put
right and your right is my left just put it down ah there's Wall-E hey Wall-E
it down ah there's Wall-E hey Wall-E could you give me a hey Bob how's it
could you give me a hey Bob how's it going Wall-E he called me w-e that's
going Wall-E he called me w-e that's your name there's no call for bitterness
I'm not worried this prototype is designed to withstand temperatures up to
designed to withstand temperatures up to 5,000 de wow that's almost enough to
5,000 de wow that's almost enough to boil
boil [Music]
water I know you Alice you push people away afraid they might see you as you
away afraid they might see you as you really are you scare me Bob you scare
really are you scare me Bob you scare the pesas out of me but in a good way
the pesas out of me but in a good way hold that thought babe let me destroy a
hold that thought babe let me destroy a dream and I'll get right back to
dream and I'll get right back to you I will now subject the prototype to
you I will now subject the prototype to the next phase of Environmental
the next phase of Environmental Testing exposure to extreme
Testing exposure to extreme [Music]
yes yes did you see that dber did you see it oh boy I've got goosebumps or
see it oh boy I've got goosebumps or some other strange growths would anyone
some other strange growths would anyone like to join me in a toast to
failure to failure if anyone needs me I'll be in my
failure if anyone needs me I'll be in my cubicle dangling from a power strip all
cubicle dangling from a power strip all right
right good for you the astronauts now
good for you the astronauts now approaching the module looking Natty and
approaching the module looking Natty and spring-like in their white jumpsuits hey
spring-like in their white jumpsuits hey there's dogbert hey dogbert well I'm out
there's dogbert hey dogbert well I'm out of change I'll get you on the way back
of change I'll get you on the way back wait a minute that's my
wait a minute that's my wallet Wally what are you doing I'm not
wallet Wally what are you doing I'm not doing anything why are you dressed like
doing anything why are you dressed like that I'm not dressed like that you're
that I'm not dressed like that you're trying to look like him don't be
trying to look like him don't be ridiculous it's just that all my non Bob
ridiculous it's just that all my non Bob bastard imitation clothes are in the
bastard imitation clothes are in the laundry this is all I have left what
laundry this is all I have left what just happened to you are you in Bob
just happened to you are you in Bob bastard's camp now he has a camp
bastard's camp now he has a camp cool why do I try I think we make a
cool why do I try I think we make a terrific couple Alice you really think
terrific couple Alice you really think so no I'm just toying with your
so no I'm just toying with your emotions since I caught you in such a
emotions since I caught you in such a good mood can I borrow another 50 bucks
good mood can I borrow another 50 bucks another 50 oh forget it if you're going
another 50 oh forget it if you're going to lay some kind of trip on me I'll see
to lay some kind of trip on me I'll see you around no wait okay here
you around no wait okay here make that a hundred bucks I'm saving up
make that a hundred bucks I'm saving up for a new mask what do you mean you're
for a new mask what do you mean you're changing your name well seriously don't
changing your name well seriously don't you think it sounds good Wally bastard
you think it sounds good Wally bastard have you lost your mind you're worse
have you lost your mind you're worse than Alice Bob bastard is evil he is set
than Alice Bob bastard is evil he is set on destroying everything we hold dear
on destroying everything we hold dear here's my dress my
here's my dress my purse anything else yeah how about your
purse anything else yeah how about your car and your
car and your shoes
shoes okay can you give me a ride home
okay can you give me a ride home if the risk of sounding critical a
if the risk of sounding critical a little jogging wouldn't hurt you you're
little jogging wouldn't hurt you you're right see you tomorrow you're
right see you tomorrow you're suffocating me
Alice how come you gave Bob your car stop it just stop it Dilbert I've had
stop it just stop it Dilbert I've had just about enough of you trashing Bob
just about enough of you trashing Bob bastard he is not a bad man well he is
bastard he is not a bad man well he is but that's what makes him so
sexy I'm sorry Alice but he's the embodiment of all that's horrid and
embodiment of all that's horrid and loathsome in this world
loathsome in this world just because it's written on a bathroom
just because it's written on a bathroom wall doesn't mean it's true he wrote it
wall doesn't mean it's true he wrote it hey babe how about lending me a five
hey babe how about lending me a five sure works every
[Music] time oh sure we've been in touch with
time oh sure we've been in touch with Advanced alien Civilizations for years
Advanced alien Civilizations for years yeah they've opened their Laboratories
yeah they've opened their Laboratories to us any technology we
to us any technology we want hey hey how you
want hey hey how you doing Excuse
doing Excuse me yes Doug bird it's me me who me look
me yes Doug bird it's me me who me look this isn't a very good time I'm learning
this isn't a very good time I'm learning all the secrets of the universe hey guys
all the secrets of the universe hey guys would you keep it down I'm on long
would you keep it down I'm on long distance well here's one for you why do
distance well here's one for you why do women see the fact that I'm kind
women see the fact that I'm kind sensitive and caring as some sort of
sensitive and caring as some sort of weakness hey dogbird you want to see
weakness hey dogbird you want to see where Jean rotenberry is maybe later
where Jean rotenberry is maybe later fellas it's merely a function of
fellas it's merely a function of cultural conditioning that and the fact
cultural conditioning that and the fact that you look like the illegitimate
that you look like the illegitimate child of Bill Gates and the Pillsbury
child of Bill Gates and the Pillsbury dope
dope boy oh that had to that's a good one
boy oh that had to that's a good one that was
that was [Music]
[Music] cold do you have a moment I don't know
cold do you have a moment I don't know have you heard something I need to talk
have you heard something I need to talk to someone and believe me no one else is
to someone and believe me no one else is around oh well in that case I'll be
around oh well in that case I'll be heading out it's kind of important
heading out it's kind of important uh-huh uh-huh anyway the reason I called
uh-huh uh-huh anyway the reason I called you in here is I can't decide which of
you in here is I can't decide which of these lovely portraits to keep on my
these lovely portraits to keep on my desk and which to hang over my bed what
desk and which to hang over my bed what do you
do you think the I'm a free spirit who blows
think the I'm a free spirit who blows With the Wind Bob bastard or the I'm a
With the Wind Bob bastard or the I'm a sadistic nightmare who will watch over
sadistic nightmare who will watch over you as your sleep B bastard I sort of
you as your sleep B bastard I sort of like the first one
like the first one really well thanks for coming in dobert
really well thanks for coming in dobert but I I really need some time to myself
but I I really need some time to myself to think then meditate
is there something I can help you with how did you end up such a sadistic
how did you end up such a sadistic bastard
bastard anyway part of it has to do with the
anyway part of it has to do with the name but
there's more I wasn't always the bitter and
more I wasn't always the bitter and disfigured man you see before
disfigured man you see before you I was born Robert child ber out
you I was born Robert child ber out wedlock it's Icelandic but my parents
wedlock it's Icelandic but my parents changed it to bastard when I was
changed it to bastard when I was three there was a time when my peers
three there was a time when my peers considered me a courteous and affable
considered me a courteous and affable test
test [Music]
[Music] engineer hey Karen you you xeroxing
engineer hey Karen you you xeroxing something doofus thanks I was
something doofus thanks I was wondering if you're not busy after work
wondering if you're not busy after work do you want to go see escape from the
do you want to go see escape from the plan of the Apes you're asking me
out and as if that wasn't painful enough she told all her friends
I told you not to leave that there I was devastated and the world has never been
devastated and the world has never been the
the same somehow shattering people's hopes
same somehow shattering people's hopes and dreams felt good it felt
and dreams felt good it felt right and it wasn't without its
right and it wasn't without its perks hey Bob I'm having a Planet of the
perks hey Bob I'm having a Planet of the Apes Marathon over at my house care to
Apes Marathon over at my house care to join us oh yeah who's going to be there
join us oh yeah who's going to be there just me and a girlfriend who's very open
just me and a girlfriend who's very open to
to experimentation as you can see I'm
experimentation as you can see I'm simply the victim of society I can't
simply the victim of society I can't escape who I am any more than I can
escape who I am any more than I can escape my
[Music] shadow I hate slurping I hate slur slur
shadow I hate slurping I hate slur slur SL slur I'm sorry to take up so much of
SL slur I'm sorry to take up so much of your valuable time
your valuable time see you at the test site bring your
see you at the test site bring your safety
safety [Laughter]
[Laughter] goggles look I've worked very hard
goggles look I've worked very hard seeing the grunt Master 6000 through to
seeing the grunt Master 6000 through to this Final Phase of testing and I just
this Final Phase of testing and I just want to say how proud I am of myself now
want to say how proud I am of myself now if we can just get rid of that Chunk on
if we can just get rid of that Chunk on the field maybe we can start the tests
the field maybe we can start the tests uh that's the grunt Master 6000 really
uh that's the grunt Master 6000 really it's so big welcome to the final round
it's so big welcome to the final round of testing and the M of the grunt Master
6000 here you go Bob you'll want this for the trip tonight's test will be the
for the trip tonight's test will be the asteroid crash simulation test
asteroid crash simulation test [Music]
[Music] oh just out of curiosity how often does
oh just out of curiosity how often does an asteroid hit an exercise machine a
an asteroid hit an exercise machine a hit my
hit my StairMaster that's why I don't exercise
StairMaster that's why I don't exercise anymore
anymore [Music]
[Music] please deposit
please deposit $4,5
$4,5 7520
now what dog bir an asteroid is hurdling towards Earth and that would affect me
towards Earth and that would affect me how it's Bob bastard's final test it's
how it's Bob bastard's final test it's aimed at the gruntmaster in a few
aimed at the gruntmaster in a few minutes the Prototype will be destroyed
minutes the Prototype will be destroyed along with any chance of me being happy
along with any chance of me being happy there's a lot about you in this story
there's a lot about you in this story help
help me my a minute
me my a minute [Music]
[Music] please God help me crack this safe okay
please God help me crack this safe okay let's
see H Maybe uh here to the left you won't even feel the laser on your
won't even feel the laser on your [Music]
[Music] cornea now that is
cornea now that is embarrassing okay it's cited now where
embarrassing okay it's cited now where is that
asteroid we did it we're home free when you take the bandages off
free when you take the bandages off don't rip them off or he'll turn into a
don't rip them off or he'll turn into a charred
skeleton someday I'll look back at this and laugh yes I'm leasing now now it's
and laugh yes I'm leasing now now it's safe snug is a
bug when you want something done you have to do it yourself operate manual
have to do it yourself operate manual overdrive I was afraid of that let's see
overdrive I was afraid of that let's see I need to push the Prototype about 10 ft
I need to push the Prototype about 10 ft to get it out of the target
to get it out of the target [Music]
[Music] Zone let's rock Alice help me push this
Zone let's rock Alice help me push this thing are you nuts Bob would kill I mean
thing are you nuts Bob would kill I mean he wouldn't like
he wouldn't like that dber it wasn't me look
oh slurping gives me such great pleasure and the fact that Alice hates it arouses
and the fact that Alice hates it arouses [Music]
[Music] me bastard now will you help me push
me bastard now will you help me push this
this [Music]
[Music] thing oh
Poo it would be wrong to Simply stamp the Prototype approved
wow I have got to get me one of these space
space shuttles I just had the darn thing
[Applause] washed don't worry guys I won't say a
washed don't worry guys I won't say a word about the immortality serum so
word about the immortality serum so you're
you're welcome thanks dogbert you really bailed
welcome thanks dogbert you really bailed me out oh it's nothing you wouldn't have
me out oh it's nothing you wouldn't have done for me if you weren't you and I
done for me if you weren't you and I wasn't me and everything was completely
wasn't me and everything was completely different hey Bob how's it going shut up
different hey Bob how's it going shut up Bob Bob yes Alice where's my car
y [Music]
do you think normal people pack suitcases this way I'm an engineer not a
suitcases this way I'm an engineer not a normal person that's a lot of clothes
normal person that's a lot of clothes just to visit a sweat shop in elbonia
just to visit a sweat shop in elbonia it's not a sweat shop it's our overseas
it's not a sweat shop it's our overseas manufacturing facility look at the
manufacturing facility look at the company
company newsletter see they're all
newsletter see they're all smiling and your assignment is to make
smiling and your assignment is to make them stop if you must know my team's
them stop if you must know my team's being sent there to oversee quality
being sent there to oversee quality control on the production of my pride
control on the production of my pride and joy the gruntmaster
and joy the gruntmaster 6000 well while you're there maybe you
6000 well while you're there maybe you can help them develop a written language
can help them develop a written language you're living in the past my furry
you're living in the past my furry friend capitalism has transformed
friend capitalism has transformed elbonia the economy is burgeoning
elbonia the economy is burgeoning nothing like slave labor to perk up the
nothing like slave labor to perk up the [Music]
[Music] economy they're making many
economy they're making many advances for instance did you realize
advances for instance did you realize the leading cause of death in alonia is
the leading cause of death in alonia is no longer black
no longer black plague oh really what
plague oh really what is here we go it's self-inflicted
is here we go it's self-inflicted gunshot wounds must be a
typo excuse [Music]
[Music] me what are you doing I'm rattling the
me what are you doing I'm rattling the cans people expect it can I ask you a
cans people expect it can I ask you a question as long as it's Refuge related
question as long as it's Refuge related oh it is what are the odds that dilber
oh it is what are the odds that dilber can visit a factory in elbonia and
can visit a factory in elbonia and return alive
return alive oh I'd say 73 to1 against 90 to1 if he
oh I'd say 73 to1 against 90 to1 if he flies on elbon Airlines 300 to1 if he
flies on elbon Airlines 300 to1 if he uses the bathroom in the plane that's
uses the bathroom in the plane that's about what I figured Dilbert's only hope
about what I figured Dilbert's only hope is to remain objective and ignore the
is to remain objective and ignore the plight of the elbonian people if he or
plight of the elbonian people if he or any member of his team gets involved in
any member of his team gets involved in their Internal Affairs or
their Internal Affairs or culture well I'd rather not think about
it that's a problem he likes to fix things well in that case you'll need the
things well in that case you'll need the help of someone who's incapable of
help of someone who's incapable of sympathy someone so cynical that the
sympathy someone so cynical that the suffering of others is nothing but a
suffering of others is nothing but a source of cheap entertainment all right
source of cheap entertainment all right I'll go I have something that might help
I'll go I have something that might help you
here by the way what's the weather like in alonia this time of year why are you
in alonia this time of year why are you so suddenly interested in elbonia oh I
so suddenly interested in elbonia oh I have my
have my reasons h
reasons h a license to Kill it's better we can
a license to Kill it's better we can steal too
steal too [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
elbonian enjoy skiing all year round except when they're sipping hot totties
except when they're sipping hot totties at the Chalet
at the Chalet cheers then it Surfs Up along one of
cheers then it Surfs Up along one of elbonia many pristine beaches awesome
elbonia many pristine beaches awesome dude you'll find five of the seven Great
dude you'll find five of the seven Great Wonders of the World all within easy
Wonders of the World all within easy access by shuttle bus and when you're
access by shuttle bus and when you're done the whole family can relax at our
done the whole family can relax at our world famous casinos and don't forget
world famous casinos and don't forget mud wrestling hey no fighting dirty in
mud wrestling hey no fighting dirty in elbonia we never close and so from Sunny
elbonia we never close and so from Sunny snowy culturally enriched onia we bid
snowy culturally enriched onia we bid you Tata that's elbonian for
you Tata that's elbonian for Tata how the heck does this thing work
Tata how the heck does this thing work where's the needle there is no needle no
where's the needle there is no needle no wonder I can't turn it
off yes he's not here was it for me no are you sure elbonia is the best place
are you sure elbonia is the best place to take my vacation have I ever lied to
to take my vacation have I ever lied to you and later been detected when I went
you and later been detected when I went to Mexico you told me to drink Dr as
to Mexico you told me to drink Dr as much of the water as I could that's the
much of the water as I could that's the exception that proves the rule that what
exception that proves the rule that what that is I'll book your flight to alonia
that is I'll book your flight to alonia thank you when you get there remember to
thank you when you get there remember to wear lots of jewelry and walk around
wear lots of jewelry and walk around alone at
alone at [Music]
night isn't this exciting I said isn't this exciting I
exciting I said isn't this exciting I couldn't hear he you I was listening to
couldn't hear he you I was listening to the audio program the sound of
screaming I don't know why it takes three of us to inspect one elbonian
three of us to inspect one elbonian Factory we're a team besides I thought
Factory we're a team besides I thought you like getting out of the office you
you like getting out of the office you don't know me as well as you think this
don't know me as well as you think this is the first time I've ever flown first
is the first time I've ever flown first class kind of spoils you I feel sorry
class kind of spoils you I feel sorry for those people in
for those people in [Music]
[Music] coach I wonder what the movie is
coach I wonder what the movie is [Applause]
that is our notorious prison of No Escape and that is our world famous
Escape and that is our world famous Health
spot I don't know why but I feel a mystical connection to this
mystical connection to this place mud pie good
place mud pie good [Music]
the mud is calling me I'll see you [Music]
[Music] later we're here where welcome to the
later we're here where welcome to the hotel Elon
hotel Elon [Music]
sorry you can't park there diplomatic immunity my
immunity my friend now tear up the
friend now tear up the ticket now eat it now regurgitate
ticket now eat it now regurgitate it good wow just because you're a
it good wow just because you're a diplomat you can park anywhere you want
diplomat you can park anywhere you want that's nothing watch this gun
[Music] now dance for your Diplomat
now dance for your Diplomat [Music]
[Music] Dance Now River
Dance Now River [Music]
[Music] Dance how did you become the Diplomat to
Dance how did you become the Diplomat to alonia I was the only one who applied
alonia I was the only one who applied for the job this isn't exactly Monaco
for the job this isn't exactly Monaco diplomatic
diplomatic [Music]
immunity with all due respect the natives in my country are A Primitive
natives in my country are A Primitive and superstitious people they believe
and superstitious people they believe that every time you take their picture
that every time you take their picture you take their soul gotcha smile oh what
you take their soul gotcha smile oh what did I just tell you hey
did I just tell you hey hi what an oddl looking people it's us
hi what an oddl looking people it's us from work remember if only I spoke your
from work remember if only I spoke your language do you know where the pool is
language do you know where the pool is the pool swimmy
the pool swimmy swimmy ignorant logs
swimmy ignorant logs [Music]
[Music] wow the grunt Master
wow the grunt Master 6000 that's the first one off the
6000 that's the first one off the assembly
assembly line my
line my [Music]
[Music] prototype and this is where we house the
prototype and this is where we house the generators that power the
generators that power the factory as you can see incentive
factory as you can see incentive programs motivate our workers to put
programs motivate our workers to put forth their best efforts why don't they
forth their best efforts why don't they get off the B goes and walk around to
get off the B goes and walk around to get the pork
get the pork chop shut up that's crazy talk don't
chop shut up that's crazy talk don't listen to
listen to her these working conditions are
her these working conditions are appalling our appalling working
appalling our appalling working conditions are second to
conditions are second to none and over here is where the main
none and over here is where the main housing for the grunt Master is
forged shouldn't there be a guard rail around that guard
around that guard rail what is this in amusement park hey
rail what is this in amusement park hey you stupid lazy lefties shows over back
you stupid lazy lefties shows over back to work lefties yes of course that's all
to work lefties yes of course that's all they're good for if it wasn't for the
they're good for if it wasn't for the right man these lefties would have
right man these lefties would have nothing they'd still be sitting in the
nothing they'd still be sitting in the mud right people founded this country we
mud right people founded this country we built this country up from small mud
built this country up from small mud hole to a gigantic mud hole we made this
hole to a gigantic mud hole we made this country V it is God bless right elbon so
country V it is God bless right elbon so where do all the right people work in
management and this is where the grunt Master is actually
Master is actually [Music]
assembled as you can see our daycare facilities are second to
facilities are second to none
none oh you can't put babies to work on an
oh you can't put babies to work on an assembly line these are not the babies
assembly line these are not the babies the toddlers oh you're coming home with
the toddlers oh you're coming home with me I didn't know you wanted children
me I didn't know you wanted children Alice it didn't until this
Alice it didn't until this moment how about
now are those people dead technically yes but that's no excuse get to work you
yes but that's no excuse get to work you lazy
lazy corpse I've never seen anything so
corpse I've never seen anything so barbaric how can the lefties tolerate it
barbaric how can the lefties tolerate it we have an excellent benefits plan like
we have an excellent benefits plan like what if you die you get time off to
what if you die you get time off to attend your funeral that's it and the
attend your funeral that's it and the salary of five grobnik a month that's
salary of five grobnik a month that's less than a penny I beg your pardon it's
less than a penny I beg your pardon it's much less than a penny our motto is that
much less than a penny our motto is that work is its own
work is its own [Music]
[Music] reward here you go little fella open
reward here you go little fella open wide
wide [Music]
we've got to do something about the factory conditions I'd love to help but
factory conditions I'd love to help but I've got a baby to take care of all
I've got a baby to take care of all right I just don't want to okay so as I
right I just don't want to okay so as I was saying your Excellency we're very
was saying your Excellency we're very proud to have the grunt Master Built in
proud to have the grunt Master Built in alonia but the working conditions in the
alonia but the working conditions in the factory are abysmal a what abysmal I've
factory are abysmal a what abysmal I've never heard of that word uncontable no
never heard of that word uncontable no heinous
heinous mm-m h
mm-m h [Music]
[Music] what you seem to lean left my
friend check [Music]
[Music] please the ancient barrial lumps are
please the ancient barrial lumps are closed I'm not here for the tour I'm
closed I'm not here for the tour I'm looting diplomatic
looting diplomatic immunity oh have a nice
day I can't believe no one wanted this job it rained for 40 days and 40 nights
job it rained for 40 days and 40 nights and then naturally there was a ton of
and then naturally there was a ton of mud and that's the story of Noah's
mud and that's the story of Noah's mud tomorrow Adam and Eve and the garden
mud tomorrow Adam and Eve and the garden of mud w-e I need your help old helpful
of mud w-e I need your help old helpful Wally doesn't doesn't exist anymore
Wally doesn't doesn't exist anymore Dilbert this is my life now Dilbert I am
Dilbert this is my life now Dilbert I am one with the mud I am the mud the mud is
one with the mud I am the mud the mud is me I'm naked and I'm muddy and I'm Wally
me I'm naked and I'm muddy and I'm Wally and it's all the same from mud I came
and it's all the same from mud I came and to mud I have returned you came from
and to mud I have returned you came from mud I don't know whatever Wally you
mud I don't know whatever Wally you can't spend your life in the mud
can't spend your life in the mud surrender to the elbonian mud Dilbert
surrender to the elbonian mud Dilbert there's no right and wrong just shades
there's no right and wrong just shades of brown
of brown [Music]
[Music] have you filled out the forms
yes uh-oh what it says here that you are right-handed so the official alboni and
right-handed so the official alboni and adoption policy does not permit mixed
adoption policy does not permit mixed arm preference adoptions it is not fair
arm preference adoptions it is not fair to the child I switch hit and softball
to the child I switch hit and softball let's hope that's
let's hope that's [Music]
[Music] enough now fil the out
enough now fil the out [Music]
[Music] hi don't mind me we are the elbonian
hi don't mind me we are the elbonian left-handed Liberation Front and slow
left-handed Liberation Front and slow pitch softball team maybe we should talk
pitch softball team maybe we should talk I think that's what we're doing I mean
I think that's what we're doing I mean we should talk about your working
we should talk about your working conditions we can talk during the break
conditions we can talk during the break when's that
there it is how can you work like this why don't you demand better working
why don't you demand better working conditions what can we do the world is
conditions what can we do the world is stacked against the left-handed people
stacked against the left-handed people the books are right-handed the staplers
the books are right-handed the staplers are right-handed the discs tape bottles
are right-handed the discs tape bottles phones I'm pretty sure you can use any
phones I'm pretty sure you can use any of those things with either hand that's
of those things with either hand that's what they want you to think you know if
what they want you to think you know if you're going to change anything you're
you're going to change anything you're going to have to
going to have to organize now you've lost us you know
organize now you've lost us you know form a union it's called collective
form a union it's called collective bargaining if your demands aren't met
bargaining if your demands aren't met you forget about that no you strike you
you forget about that no you strike you refuse to work until you get better
refuse to work until you get better [Music]
[Music] conditions we'll do it we'll follow your
conditions we'll do it we'll follow your leadership and
leadership and strike and when the righties execute you
strike and when the righties execute you we will make small plastic statues in
we will make small plastic statues in your
your likeness look at them look at them
likeness look at them look at them slaving away like Pac mules this will
slaving away like Pac mules this will make a great shot hey everybody wave at
make a great shot hey everybody wave at the camera
[Music] okay you know I'm standing right in
okay you know I'm standing right in front of you okay here's my final offer
front of you okay here's my final offer designated smoke brakes for anyone who
designated smoke brakes for anyone who catches fire take it or leave it that's
catches fire take it or leave it that's an insult these people are dedicated
an insult these people are dedicated committed serious they're not going to
committed serious they're not going to cave in no matter how much pressure is
cave in no matter how much pressure is brought to bear they will not return to
brought to bear they will not return to work until their demands are met arrest
work until their demands are met arrest him okay back to
him okay back to [Music]
[Music] work you will be read your rights given
work you will be read your rights given a fair trial then
a fair trial then executed on second thought since we have
executed on second thought since we have no rights and we have no courts let's go
no rights and we have no courts let's go to the execution Bob yes
to the execution Bob yes Excellency they're ready they Aim
the execution of Dilbert will continue after these messages hello every day
after these messages hello every day alboni and babies go completely unshaven
alboni and babies go completely unshaven simply because they are left-handed
simply because they are left-handed won't you please stop
won't you please stop it stop it cute aren't
it stop it cute aren't they for only one grub Nick a day let me
they for only one grub Nick a day let me see that there now it's gone forever
see that there now it's gone forever [Applause]
that's it you're on your own um send your grubiks to shave the children PO
your grubiks to shave the children PO Box 6 elbonia remember a child shut up
Box 6 elbonia remember a child shut up the old ways are the best ways okay
the old ways are the best ways okay Dilbert this time we're ready for you no
Dilbert this time we're ready for you no tricks no one survives the giant
tricks no one survives the giant mudball I did shut up move bit out of
mudball I did shut up move bit out of the way Diplomat coming Licensed to
the way Diplomat coming Licensed to Kill diplomatic immunity that's right
Kill diplomatic immunity that's right now give me your clothes
now give me your clothes bam as the new dictator of elbonia I've
bam as the new dictator of elbonia I've decided to make a few changes around
decided to make a few changes around here and make no mistake about it these
here and make no mistake about it these are changes for change sake he's free
are changes for change sake he's free and all the workers demands are hereby
and all the workers demands are hereby met
[Music] we're free free at last a sweet
[Music] Freedom good to see
Freedom good to see you come right
you come right in right this way hey welcome come on in
in right this way hey welcome come on in good
[Music] to hey what's going on why is everyone
to hey what's going on why is everyone leaving you just got here the factory is
leaving you just got here the factory is automated they don't need us now we've
automated they don't need us now we've been downsized to how many
one um can somebody show me how to work this
this thing and then Lot's wife looked back
thing and then Lot's wife looked back and zap she turned into a pile of mud
and zap she turned into a pile of mud the man is a genius of visionary I have
the man is a genius of visionary I have to get a picture say
[Music] thank you for saving my life even though
thank you for saving my life even though it wasn't in danger I just couldn't
it wasn't in danger I just couldn't picture you as the official martyr of
picture you as the official martyr of elbonia I was only trying to do the
elbonia I was only trying to do the right thing a misguided exercise at best
what are you doing I'm taking the mud why cuz I've taken everything else
why cuz I've taken everything else that's cruel no that's diplomacy let my
that's cruel no that's diplomacy let my friend Henry here explain it to you
friend Henry here explain it to you hello Dilbert in the world of real
hello Dilbert in the world of real politic you must see that the
politic you must see that the infrastructure of alonia was built on
infrastructure of alonia was built on mud in a global economy this is the
mud in a global economy this is the equivalent of economic suicide thus in
equivalent of economic suicide thus in order to save alonia it must be Dem
order to save alonia it must be Dem mudded dog birth was doing the only
mudded dog birth was doing the only logical thing oh of course now I see you
logical thing oh of course now I see you do
do yes I don't even know what I'm talking
yes I don't even know what I'm talking about but for some reason it drives the
about but for some reason it drives the chicks wild when I talk this
way oh great Mudman how do you explain this is it a sign from above more like a
this is it a sign from above more like a sign from
sign from below freaking little mud
below freaking little mud boy here I am buying trinkets from one
boy here I am buying trinkets from one of the Native
of the Native Merchants here I am relaxing by the pool
Merchants here I am relaxing by the pool with some of the natives here I am
with some of the natives here I am flying home accompanied by a group of
flying home accompanied by a group of vacationing elbonian and here I am back
vacationing elbonian and here I am back at
at work by the way I'm pleased to announce
work by the way I'm pleased to announce that the production of the grunt master
that the production of the grunt master in elbonia has far exceeded our
in elbonia has far exceeded our expectations we can officially now
expectations we can officially now classify elbonia no longer a
classify elbonia no longer a poverty-stricken fourth world country
poverty-stricken fourth world country but a poverty stricken 3 and 3/4 world
but a poverty stricken 3 and 3/4 world country it is my fervent hope to some
country it is my fervent hope to some day visit this exotic
day visit this exotic [Music]
[Music] land hello I'm dog bird and welcome to L
land hello I'm dog bird and welcome to L elbonia where gambling and prostitution
elbonia where gambling and prostitution isn't just legal it's mandatory and this
isn't just legal it's mandatory and this week only at the Caesars elbonia the
week only at the Caesars elbonia the song stylings of Henry kisser
Las elbonia yea
elbonia yea [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
shouldn't you be at work by now and you're dehumanizing little cubicle
you're dehumanizing little cubicle squatting in quiet desperation I've got
squatting in quiet desperation I've got a
a cold IE the wussiest of all illnesses
cold IE the wussiest of all illnesses come on get dressed and go to work you
come on get dressed and go to work you know I like to have the house to myself
know I like to have the house to myself in the late morning I hate when people
in the late morning I hate when people go to work sick all they do is hack and
go to work sick all they do is hack and cough and spread their germs and infect
cough and spread their germs and infect everyone
else just to be safe it might be a good time to update your
will I Dilbert being of sound mind and sound body I can't sign this my body
sound body I can't sign this my body isn't sound typo
sound mind and round body it's just a cold and I'm this close to finding the
cold and I'm this close to finding the Cure look I've already isolated the
Cure look I've already isolated the virus you mean bacteria that's a common
virus you mean bacteria that's a common misconception colds are caused by
misconception colds are caused by viruses bacteria are microorganisms that
viruses bacteria are microorganisms that contain no chlorophyll and multiply by
contain no chlorophyll and multiply by simple division while viruses are
simple division while viruses are parasitic polynucleotides surrounded by
parasitic polynucleotides surrounded by a layer of protein which are unable to
a layer of protein which are unable to reproduce without invading a host cell
reproduce without invading a host cell well you got a big old brain brain on
well you got a big old brain brain on you this microscopic nuclear powered
you this microscopic nuclear powered intravenous probe seeks out the cold
intravenous probe seeks out the cold virus and destroys it with a highly
virus and destroys it with a highly focused Sonic
Blast okay I don't usually like to do this but I feel sorry for you on so many
this but I feel sorry for you on so many levels here this will cure you
levels here this will cure you immediately really what is it a placebo
immediately really what is it a placebo a placebo now that you told me it's a
a placebo now that you told me it's a placebo it's not going to work it will
placebo it's not going to work it will if you think it will but I already know
if you think it will but I already know it's a placebo maybe it isn't you just
it's a placebo maybe it isn't you just said it
said it was that's precisely the power of the
was that's precisely the power of the placebo no thanks I'll try my
placebo no thanks I'll try my [Music]
ch ch [Music]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] so according to the market research the
so according to the market research the people most likely to buy our
people most likely to buy our gruntmaster 6000 product are the same
gruntmaster 6000 product are the same group who are most likely to buy UFO
group who are most likely to buy UFO Abduction Insurance maybe we could
Abduction Insurance maybe we could package
them Alice you're sick go home I'm not sick you're sick no I was sick now I'm
sick you're sick no I was sick now I'm fine oh good for you
it's your fault you gave it to me yeah well you gave it to me before that well
well you gave it to me before that well you gave it to me before that well you
you gave it to me before that well you gave it to me you know we've been
gave it to me you know we've been passing the same cold back and forth for
passing the same cold back and forth for 7 years well you started it it's these
7 years well you started it it's these cubicles this wouldn't happen if we all
cubicles this wouldn't happen if we all had offices with doors or at least if I
had offices with doors or at least if I did can I have your sick days are you
did can I have your sick days are you coming down with something no but why
coming down with something no but why waste a sick day when you're sick
waste a sick day when you're sick because you're sick well I'd rather be
because you're sick well I'd rather be sick at the office they have soup and
sick at the office they have soup and tea and nobody bugs me besides I'm
tea and nobody bugs me besides I'm saving up six days I've got nearly uh
saving up six days I've got nearly uh 12,000 one day I'll have enough to call
12,000 one day I'll have enough to call in sick until I retire I'll trade you
in sick until I retire I'll trade you one of my sick days for a carton of
one of my sick days for a carton of sticky notes it'll appear on your desk
sticky notes it'll appear on your desk tomorrow I'll give you my sick day for a
tomorrow I'll give you my sick day for a box of binder clips and some tape done
box of binder clips and some tape done and
and [Music]
[Music] done if I had my own office I would just
done if I had my own office I would just lock the door during cold season and
lock the door during cold season and never come out what about going to the
never come out what about going to the bathroom you know what I mean no I doubt
bathroom you know what I mean no I doubt what's the difference you'll never have
what's the difference you'll never have an office in this company or any other
an office in this company or any other ever you're an eded ear I can still
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
dream look at this it's a mind field of germs a oh my
germs a oh my [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
good lovely day isn't it anyway as you may have
may have heard especially
heard especially you 40% of our Workforce has dropped
you 40% of our Workforce has dropped dead from some sort of mysterious
dead from some sort of mysterious illness the heartier folks have just
illness the heartier folks have just turned into hideous mutants we don't
turned into hideous mutants we don't know what's causing
know what's causing it but we have some
it but we have some hunches funny be that as it may the
hunches funny be that as it may the names of these Valiant employees who
names of these Valiant employees who died for some reason that cannot be
died for some reason that cannot be conclusively linked to workplace hazards
conclusively linked to workplace hazards have been engraved on the marble wall
have been engraved on the marble wall you see behind
you see behind [Applause]
[Applause] us then their sacrifice is an
us then their sacrifice is an inspiration to us all not to mention a
inspiration to us all not to mention a cost savings that goes directly to the
cost savings that goes directly to the bottom
I I've lost my voice finally God sorry son I couldn't hear
son I couldn't hear you oh me at this time it gives me great
you oh me at this time it gives me great pleasure
pleasure to do
to do this it also gives me great pleasure to
this it also gives me great pleasure to introduce the owner of dogbert's private
introduce the owner of dogbert's private Environmental Protection Agency
him my Research indicates that there are abnormal levels of insect feal matter
abnormal levels of insect feal matter present throughout this building and as
present throughout this building and as the black light reveals Even In This
the black light reveals Even In This Very Room
Very Room [Music]
the highest concentrations of insect F matter were found to be present on
matter were found to be present on [Music]
[Music] Wall-E
gross I can't see get away from me take a shower you're disgusting it's not my
a shower you're disgusting it's not my fault that flies like me so the insect
fault that flies like me so the insect feal matters making us sick no but I
feal matters making us sick no but I thought it was an interesting side note
thought it was an interesting side note unfortunately this building like
unfortunately this building like everything that's ever existed in the
everything that's ever existed in the history of the universe is is dying
history of the universe is is dying we're doing what we can to make its last
we're doing what we can to make its last hours
clear I have two recommendations either which I can feel more strongly about
which I can feel more strongly about based purely on the size of my fee one
based purely on the size of my fee one is to keep the building on life support
is to keep the building on life support indefinitely and watch more people
indefinitely and watch more people mutate and die what if I just pretend to
mutate and die what if I just pretend to watch what's the other choice to build a
watch what's the other choice to build a brand new incredibly over budgeted
brand new incredibly over budgeted ill-conceived
ill-conceived headquarters Excuse me while I weigh
headquarters Excuse me while I weigh those very uh weighty
means excuse me can I see you can't you have I become invisible no woo you had
have I become invisible no woo you had me scared for a minute
me scared for a minute there I don't understand every day I
there I don't understand every day I water this silk tree but it hasn't grown
water this silk tree but it hasn't grown an inch it's not a tree that grows silk
an inch it's not a tree that grows silk it's made out of silk probably needs
it's made out of silk probably needs more light yeah try that uh by the way
more light yeah try that uh by the way what with the recent outbreak of disease
what with the recent outbreak of disease here I think you made the right decision
here I think you made the right decision to build a new headquarters that's not
to build a new headquarters that's not why we're moving get over yourself
why we're moving get over yourself there's a much bigger issue at stake
there's a much bigger issue at stake here there is yes of course this
here there is yes of course this building is a rectangle almost square
building is a rectangle almost square but not quite do you know what I mean
but not quite do you know what I mean rarely I've always wanted to work in a
rarely I've always wanted to work in a building shaped like an isoceles
building shaped like an isoceles triangle an isosceles triangle you think
triangle an isosceles triangle you think I'm mad don't you Dilbert no you think
I'm mad don't you Dilbert no you think I'm stupid no lazy no fat no well I wish
I'm stupid no lazy no fat no well I wish I'd married you instead of the hag in my
I'd married you instead of the hag in my house I was thinking you're going to
house I was thinking you're going to need somebody to oversee the design and
need somebody to oversee the design and organize the move
organize the move someone with First Rate engineering
someone with First Rate engineering skills an aptitude for problem
skills an aptitude for problem solving way above average
solving way above average intelligence no I think we should use
intelligence no I think we should use someone who works at this company well
someone who works at this company well I'd like to volunteer all I ask in
I'd like to volunteer all I ask in return is for first dibs on any extra
return is for first dibs on any extra offices with doors oh I see your hidden
offices with doors oh I see your hidden agenda now you're the master of the
agenda now you're the master of the obvious no need to flatter me you've got
obvious no need to flatter me you've got the
the job and they said no engineer could have
job and they said no engineer could have his own
office I think this would be a great site for the new headquarters let's
site for the new headquarters let's visit site number
visit site number [Music]
[Music] two okay let's visit site number number
two okay let's visit site number number [Music]
[Music] three so I think the choice is pretty
three so I think the choice is pretty obvious right we build on the cliff side
obvious right we build on the cliff side wait wait what about the meadow if you
wait wait what about the meadow if you wanted the meadow why did you make such
wanted the meadow why did you make such a convincing case for the cliffs but the
a convincing case for the cliffs but the meadow is so picturesque so peaceful
meadow is so picturesque so peaceful it's perfect Alice tell
it's perfect Alice tell them
them uhhuh Wall-E help me out
uhhuh Wall-E help me out here uh the Meadow's only 5 minutes from
here uh the Meadow's only 5 minutes from your
your house well I suppose we could build a
house well I suppose we could build a cliff in the meadow get the best of both
cliff in the meadow get the best of both worlds or we could just wait a week and
worlds or we could just wait a week and you'll forget about the cliff will that
you'll forget about the cliff will that work usually well in that case why wait
work usually well in that case why wait the meadow it is and put your office
the meadow it is and put your office smack dab next to
structure will there be an elevator how does that work
does that work it now I sometimes get
it now I sometimes get work as you can see each floor will be
work as you can see each floor will be portioned into pi-shaped divisions so
portioned into pi-shaped divisions so that at the center of the pi where all
that at the center of the pi where all the divisions converge employees will
the divisions converge employees will engage in valuable knowledge transfer
engage in valuable knowledge transfer must stay
must stay awake managers will have private offices
awake managers will have private offices as will one cunning engineer now any
questions I'm sorry I don't speak fly anyone else anybody what will be the
anyone else anybody what will be the parking situation at the new
parking situation at the new headquarters good question we will have
headquarters good question we will have a state-of-the-art underground parking
a state-of-the-art underground parking structure I'll be needing extra Headroom
how about it give it up for the [Music]
[Music] Dillman hold my calls hey Dilly Jimbo
Dillman hold my calls hey Dilly Jimbo Frankie and I are thinking about taking
Frankie and I are thinking about taking a ball game tonight afterwards we're
a ball game tonight afterwards we're going out for pizza some beers maybe
going out for pizza some beers maybe play a little darts what do you say who
play a little darts what do you say who are you very
are you very funny I'm your old pal Tony from sales I
funny I'm your old pal Tony from sales I know we've never spoken before but I
know we've never spoken before but I love your take on the new headquarters
love your take on the new headquarters brilliant stroke a genius really I'm
brilliant stroke a genius really I'm going to need some extra steps on the
going to need some extra steps on the staircase you know cuz of the
staircase you know cuz of the legs extra half steps on the stairs for
legs extra half steps on the stairs for multipods I'll see what I can do and
multipods I'll see what I can do and don't put me next to the
don't put me next to the boss hey D Greg from marketing uh we've
boss hey D Greg from marketing uh we've never met would never like each other in
never met would never like each other in normal life and yet since I've become
normal life and yet since I've become reptilian I feel we have an unspoken
reptilian I feel we have an unspoken Bond go on what with the scales and what
Bond go on what with the scales and what have you I'll be needing a sink with
have you I'll be needing a sink with scalding hot water to clean myself okay
scalding hot water to clean myself okay special scalding hot water valve for
special scalding hot water valve for reptilian employees I'll try oh don't
reptilian employees I'll try oh don't put me next to the
put me next to the boss hey dilby now that I'm an EXO
boss hey dilby now that I'm an EXO skeleton I'll need a separate thermostat
skeleton I'll need a separate thermostat so I can keep the temperature in my
so I can keep the temperature in my cubicle at 94° F otherwise I'll die
cubicle at 94° F otherwise I'll die special heating ducks for the skinless I
special heating ducks for the skinless I can't promise anything but okay I
can't promise anything but okay I understand I'm not afraid of expiring
understand I'm not afraid of expiring but just don't put me next to the boss
but just don't put me next to the boss got it
got it [Music]
[Music] hey watch
hey watch it sorry we need to talk right right um
it sorry we need to talk right right um you know there's a suggestion box on the
you know there's a suggestion box on the fourth floor how am I supposed to use a
fourth floor how am I supposed to use a suggestion box maybe you could just hang
suggestion box maybe you could just hang around the suggestion box and yell your
around the suggestion box and yell your ideas at people who walk by okay but I'm
ideas at people who walk by okay but I'm going to need special pulley and slides
going to need special pulley and slides to get around the office in between
to get around the office in between floors and a customized keyboard and uh
floors and a customized keyboard and uh lower toilets much lower okay I'll check
lower toilets much lower okay I'll check into it and I will suck you into my
into it and I will suck you into my ectoplasm if you put me next to the
ectoplasm if you put me next to the boss uh I'm going to need more Lego well
boss uh I'm going to need more Lego well I need deep water I have to be in water
I need deep water I have to be in water I'm
I'm also I need a butt rubbing tree butt
also I need a butt rubbing tree butt rubbing tree got it keep them away from
rubbing tree got it keep them away from me okay I can put the swamp here a butt
me okay I can put the swamp here a butt rubbing tree over here lower these
rubbing tree over here lower these toilets all this just to get your own
toilets all this just to get your own office it's worth it do you really
office it's worth it do you really believe that all this is happening
believe that all this is happening because of sick building syndrome I have
because of sick building syndrome I have no reason not to believe it what if it's
no reason not to believe it what if it's all in their minds everything is in our
all in their minds everything is in our minds but when it causes us to grow an
minds but when it causes us to grow an extra leg I think we need to take it
extra leg I think we need to take it seriously okay okay on a lighter note I
seriously okay okay on a lighter note I have a coupon for a free feal wash no
have a coupon for a free feal wash no thanks on the house on the house okay
Wally you got your stuff packed it's time to go I'm not going anywhere D you
time to go I'm not going anywhere D you okay do flies catch cold or do they just
okay do flies catch cold or do they just drop dead are you going to use one of
drop dead are you going to use one of your sick days no way I've banked 14
your sick days no way I've banked 14 years worth of six days it's time to
years worth of six days it's time to cash them in and retire
cash them in and retire early uh
early uh w-e I hate to do this but I think this
w-e I hate to do this but I think this might be a good time to tell you
might be a good time to tell you something sick days don't accumulate
something sick days don't accumulate they
they expire and you can't trade sick days
expire and you can't trade sick days with other people
with other people we've been using you to steal office
we've been using you to steal office supplies for us for years it's easier
supplies for us for years it's easier than ordering from the
retrospect uh Dilbert yes my nose it itches try not to think about it
itches try not to think about it otherwise your whole body will start
otherwise your whole body will start itching
ah Moving Day exciting isn't it you know if this works out maybe we'll do it
if this works out maybe we'll do it every year what move that's insane
every year what move that's insane you've got to learn to think outside the
you've got to learn to think outside the box Dilbert so who's going to be in the
box Dilbert so who's going to be in the office next to me where all the action
office next to me where all the action happens the nerve
happens the nerve center you've got the whole floor to
center you've got the whole floor to yourself excellent by the way I forgot
yourself excellent by the way I forgot to tell you I need to make a few minor
to tell you I need to make a few minor alterations to the building operations
alterations to the building operations teeny tiny nothing with nothing but
teeny tiny nothing with nothing but poito Saar like what well remember that
poito Saar like what well remember that whole thing about the isoceles triangle
whole thing about the isoceles triangle I had it all wrong I meant a trapezoid
I had it all wrong I meant a trapezoid but it's already been built you're in
but it's already been built you're in charge make it happen check back with me
charge make it happen check back with me in a week that's the spirit that's the
in a week that's the spirit that's the end of that
end of that [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] Dilbert I must say I'm very impressed
Dilbert I must say I'm very impressed with the way the new headquarters has
with the way the new headquarters has turned out it's so shiny and big and
turned out it's so shiny and big and white and these portals you can actually
white and these portals you can actually see through them it's a miracle you mean
see through them it's a miracle you mean the windows yes and those magical moving
the windows yes and those magical moving stairs I mean where do they all go
stairs I mean where do they all go anyway you've done a bang up job it's so
anyway you've done a bang up job it's so perfect thank you it's so perfect too
perfect thank you it's so perfect too bad we can't afford to stay here what I
bad we can't afford to stay here what I just saw the rent allocation budget too
just saw the rent allocation budget too rich for our blood we'll have to lease
rich for our blood we'll have to lease it out to a more profitable company but
it out to a more profitable company but but by the way where's the cliff
but by the way where's the cliff [Music]
[Music] sh
[Music] Alice you look a lot I was never sick
Alice you look a lot I was never sick yeah that's what I meant to
say luckily everyone seems to be developing an immunity to the toxic
developing an immunity to the toxic environment I guess as a species
environment I guess as a species ultimately we can adapt to anything yay
ultimately we can adapt to anything yay for
for us everybody I'd like to personally
us everybody I'd like to personally welcome you all back to the new
welcome you all back to the new healthier old headquarters how is it
healthier old headquarters how is it healthier well for one thing we've added
healthier well for one thing we've added warning
[Music] signs hey everybody I'm back to my old
signs hey everybody I'm back to my old self too bad secondly we've stocked the
self too bad secondly we've stocked the first aid kits with these new Wonder
first aid kits with these new Wonder drugs plusy BOS
drugs plusy BOS [Music]
[Music] w
w [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
we have a big problem here drop everything you're doing and solve it I'm
everything you're doing and solve it I'm going to be late for work oh this is far
going to be late for work oh this is far more important than your career you
more important than your career you always say that well this time it's true
always say that well this time it's true the TV is not working I've been sitting
the TV is not working I've been sitting here for nearly a minute without
here for nearly a minute without entertainment change the battery in the
entertainment change the battery in the remote the one on the left the one on
remote the one on the left the one on the left well that's just spooky not
the left well that's just spooky not really I have the ne
really I have the ne The Knack for technology my mom says I
The Knack for technology my mom says I always
always have I'm worried about little Dilbert
have I'm worried about little Dilbert he's not like other kids what do you
he's not like other kids what do you mean yesterday I left him alone for a
mean yesterday I left him alone for a minute and he disassembled the TV our
minute and he disassembled the TV our clock and the stereo that's perfectly
clock and the stereo that's perfectly normal kids take things apart oh the
normal kids take things apart oh the part that worries me is he used the
part that worries me is he used the components to build a ham radio
components to build a ham radio set oh dear
set oh dear is that bad normally I'd want to run an
is that bad normally I'd want to run an EEG on him but the machine isn't
EEG on him but the machine isn't [Music]
working it's worse than I feared what is it I'm afraid your son has The
it I'm afraid your son has The Knack The Knack The Knack it's a rare
Knack The Knack The Knack it's a rare condition characterized by an extreme
condition characterized by an extreme intuition about all things mechanical
intuition about all things mechanical and electrical and utter social
and electrical and utter social ineptitude can he lead a normal life
ineptitude can he lead a normal life no you'll be an
engineer no there there don't blame yourself will it go away over time it
yourself will it go away over time it might but pray it doesn't if an engineer
might but pray it doesn't if an engineer loses The Knack the results can be
loses The Knack the results can be [Music]
[Music] devastating and in further news you
devastating and in further news you might want to get out thanks for filling
might want to get out thanks for filling in for our regular doctor on such short
in for our regular doctor on such short notice I was in the neighborhood
here I bought a double A yesterday because I sensed this coming you're
because I sensed this coming you're freaking me out I don't know why I told
freaking me out I don't know why I told you I have The
you I have The Knack The Knack
good [Laughter]
[Music] [Laughter]
[Music] now
[Applause] [Music]
as you know Humanity has pretty much destroyed the ecological balance of the
destroyed the ecological balance of the planet it's not my fault I recycle no
planet it's not my fault I recycle no one's blaming you loud Howard I blame
one's blaming you loud Howard I blame him why do you blame me when you recycle
him why do you blame me when you recycle your newspapers do you iron out the
your newspapers do you iron out the wrinkles first no well maybe you should
wrinkles first no well maybe you should Planet Killer all right then that's
Planet Killer all right then that's settled the point is the Earth is
settled the point is the Earth is polluted Beyond repair that leaves us
polluted Beyond repair that leaves us one viable business strategy we're going
one viable business strategy we're going to clean up the earth oh Jee
to clean up the earth oh Jee no I should say not clean up the no
no I should say not clean up the no we're going to start polluting outter
we're going to start polluting outter space I didn't become an engineer so I
space I didn't become an engineer so I could pollute the solar system why did
could pollute the solar system why did you become an engineer isn't it obvious
you become an engineer isn't it obvious she picked the one profession where
she picked the one profession where she'd be surrounded by sexy men all
she'd be surrounded by sexy men all [Music]
[Music] day so tell me more about this polluting
day so tell me more about this polluting of space idea no no no
of space idea no no no no sh we won't be calling it polluting
no sh we won't be calling it polluting negative connotation we prefer the word
negative connotation we prefer the word advertising I'm talking Billboards in
advertising I'm talking Billboards in space no one can read a billboard in
space no one can read a billboard in space they can if we make them really
space they can if we make them really big do you have any idea how much that
big do you have any idea how much that would cost $1,000 maybe $50
would cost $1,000 maybe $50 billion well then we'll just have to
billion well then we'll just have to amortize the costs advertise the costs
amortize the costs advertise the costs that doesn't even mean anything we'll
that doesn't even mean anything we'll find a way to get it done failure isn't
find a way to get it done failure isn't in my vocabulary neither is amortise
in my vocabulary neither is amortise apparently here we go
again you're drinking out of my cup you have drunk from the cup of
cup you have drunk from the cup of management now you're infected what are
management now you're infected what are you talking about that's ridiculous soon
you talking about that's ridiculous soon your technical skills will evaporate
your technical skills will evaporate like the fine Mist on a summer lawn they
like the fine Mist on a summer lawn they warned us about this in school there was
warned us about this in school there was management DNA in the backwash of that
management DNA in the backwash of that cup now it's in you it's like a virus
cup now it's in you it's like a virus people I'd like to get the first space
people I'd like to get the first space billboard launched in 30 days does
billboard launched in 30 days does anyone see a problem with that no
way knows nothing a pointy head idiot who stinks like OD
who stinks like OD socks sounds like we have
socks sounds like we have [Music]
[Music] consensus I don't know what's wrong with
consensus I don't know what's wrong with this pen I'm going out on a limb here
this pen I'm going out on a limb here but I'll say it's out of ink that
but I'll say it's out of ink that management DNA must have infected you
management DNA must have infected you you've lost the neck I have not lost the
you've lost the neck I have not lost the neck I'll show you who's lost the neck
neck I'll show you who's lost the neck I'll design this thing myself out of my
I'll design this thing myself out of my cubicle I need privacy this is my
cubicle I need privacy this is my cubicle sense of direction it's the
cubicle sense of direction it's the first thing that goes when you lose the
Knack Dilbert just the man I need what's it mean when you get a sister error
it mean when you get a sister error number
number 53 watch me solve this with intuition
53 watch me solve this with intuition alone okay error 53 I haven't seen that
alone okay error 53 I haven't seen that one before but I have a feeling it's
one before but I have a feeling it's your network interface card what should
your network interface card what should I do press control and
F9 thanks hey
thanks hey Dilbert do you know how to subnet an IP
Dilbert do you know how to subnet an IP address it's been a while but I think
address it's been a while but I think this will
this will [Music]
work I haven't lost my engineering neck just because a few things go wrong even
just because a few things go wrong even great athletes have dry spells like the
great athletes have dry spells like the great Olympian Amil gartan world record
great Olympian Amil gartan world record holder in both the javelin and the 100y
holder in both the javelin and the 100y yard dash only person who ever died by
yard dash only person who ever died by throwing a spear into his own back did
throwing a spear into his own back did you just make that up clever wasn't it
you just make that up clever wasn't it can we talk about me instead of madeup
can we talk about me instead of madeup people sure pass the
bread okay tell me about your day I've got to design a low earth orbit
got to design a low earth orbit advertising satellite as big as New
advertising satellite as big as New Zealand and get it launched in 30 days
Zealand and get it launched in 30 days for under $1,000 that is so sad and
for under $1,000 that is so sad and pathetic and then what well that's kind
pathetic and then what well that's kind of the whole story they're not laughing
of the whole story they're not laughing at you They're laughing with you I
at you They're laughing with you I didn't say anyone was laughing at me
didn't say anyone was laughing at me you're only ugly on the outside what are
you're only ugly on the outside what are you talking about they say swimming is
you talking about they say swimming is the best exercise well I've always
the best exercise well I've always agreed with that
agreed with that but hey
but hey [Music]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] a light sail well you still need a huge
a light sail well you still need a huge groundbased laser to push it we can
groundbased laser to push it we can borrow the one at the particle
borrow the one at the particle accelerator lab we only need it for a
accelerator lab we only need it for a few minutes are you done yet good Lord
few minutes are you done yet good Lord man you're working me to the bone has it
man you're working me to the bone has it been tough well this coffee cup doesn't
been tough well this coffee cup doesn't carry itself around get some rest Wally
carry itself around get some rest Wally you too start pulling your
weight the components are all off the shelf we can put this thing together in
shelf we can put this thing together in a week it looks good on paper but how do
a week it looks good on paper but how do we know you haven't lost The
we know you haven't lost The Knack I haven't lost The
Knack there's something wrong with it let me have a
look there it should be fine thanks Dilbert smart men are so sexy do you
Dilbert smart men are so sexy do you think we could go out sometime
attention all workers has anybody seen my pen the one that writes in four
my pen the one that writes in four colors it's not worth a lot of money or
colors it's not worth a lot of money or anything but my mom gave it to me and it
anything but my mom gave it to me and it has a lot of s this is a terrible
has a lot of s this is a terrible program what else is on Hey where's the
program what else is on Hey where's the clicker why aren't I sitting in my
clicker why aren't I sitting in my recliner oh for crying out loud for the
recliner oh for crying out loud for the last time this is not a TV show you're
last time this is not a TV show you're telling me look at this guy he hasn't
telling me look at this guy he hasn't moved the whole time I've been watching
moved the whole time I've been watching although it does build suspense you know
although it does build suspense you know what leave this on oh what the hell I
what leave this on oh what the hell I can't can't take it tell me the ending
can't can't take it tell me the ending 40 minutes after liftoff the ship will
40 minutes after liftoff the ship will achieve orbit at that time the tissue
achieve orbit at that time the tissue thin balloon material will unfurl
thin balloon material will unfurl creating an advertising Banner over 5
creating an advertising Banner over 5 miles wide 10 seconds 7 4 3 2
miles wide 10 seconds 7 4 3 2 [Music]
[Music] 1 blooper all systems are green the the
1 blooper all systems are green the the laser should kick in in 15 seconds and
laser should kick in in 15 seconds and put our baby on target are you sure you
put our baby on target are you sure you gave the right coordinates to the laser
gave the right coordinates to the laser operator you've been off your game
operator you've been off your game lately me off my game
lately me off my game [Music]
[Music] ha ohoh
ha ohoh [Music]
[Music] hm hey hey
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
what should we do party
do party [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] I'll sharpen your knives you simple
I'll sharpen your knives you simple Housewives I'll sharpen your knives I've
Housewives I'll sharpen your knives I've got raisins shriveled and brown who
got raisins shriveled and brown who wants raisins the finest in Town bows
wants raisins the finest in Town bows and arrows and kill some birds then you
and arrows and kill some birds then you shove them in a
pie hi Dilbert do I know you what do you mean we're your neighbors I'm Arie from
mean we're your neighbors I'm Arie from across the street the insurance salesman
across the street the insurance salesman what happened to you well ever since
what happened to you well ever since that satellite got knocked out that was
that satellite got knocked out that was yesterday yeah well thanks fell apart
yesterday yeah well thanks fell apart pretty fast without power and
pretty fast without power and Communications luckily Denise over there
Communications luckily Denise over there she went to a Renaissance Festival last
she went to a Renaissance Festival last summer so she knew what to do so you
summer so she knew what to do so you want to be a blacksmith we also need a
want to be a blacksmith we also need a guy to sweep little piles of dung into
guy to sweep little piles of dung into big piles a dong I'll get back to
big piles a dong I'll get back to [Music]
[Music] you we have to realign the satellites
you we have to realign the satellites and restore power and Communications oh
and restore power and Communications oh forget it stop being a stick in the mud
forget it stop being a stick in the mud everybody's having a great time no more
everybody's having a great time no more multitasking no more fact modems email
multitasking no more fact modems email voicemail video conferencing
voicemail video conferencing teleconferencing pointing clicking and
teleconferencing pointing clicking and all that other stuff I never did anyway
all that other stuff I never did anyway where's Alice just follow the sounds of
where's Alice just follow the sounds of tambourines and drunken
[Music] [Applause]
laughter Alice hey buddy you're going to have to wait your turn like the rest of
have to wait your turn like the rest of us quiet
us quiet [Music]
[Music] Nave what the hell is going on we're
Nave what the hell is going on we're celebrating the return to simpler times
celebrating the return to simpler times you mean the downfall of civilization no
you mean the downfall of civilization no I mean The Rebirth of the human heart
I mean The Rebirth of the human heart with technology gone we're free to enjoy
with technology gone we're free to enjoy our true nature to release the animal
our true nature to release the animal within and let it live wild and Untamed
within and let it live wild and Untamed so you're not going back to work I am at
so you're not going back to work I am at work this is my job now you're a free
work this is my job now you're a free spirit a child of nature I live for the
spirit a child of nature I live for the moment and follow my whims wherever they
moment and follow my whims wherever they guide me how's the pay I'm paid in joy
guide me how's the pay I'm paid in joy and my hours are from yesterday until
and my hours are from yesterday until forever and if you don't like it I'll
forever and if you don't like it I'll kick the crap out of you terrific
kick the crap out of you terrific where's the boss he's over there
where's the boss he's over there fulfilling his role in the natural order
fulfilling his role in the natural order of things a dialogue about maximizing
of things a dialogue about maximizing quality productivity would bring about a
quality productivity would bring about a consensus within the time parameters of
consensus within the time parameters of our earlier proactive
our earlier proactive [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] assessment and to think dber we have you
assessment and to think dber we have you to thank for all of this no don't thank
to thank for all of this no don't thank me this this is awful let's raise a
me this this is awful let's raise a glass of me to
glass of me to Dilbert
Dilbert [Applause]
[Applause] tobert what me what's wrong with you
tobert what me what's wrong with you people don't you see what's happened
people don't you see what's happened yeah fine if I have to repair those
yeah fine if I have to repair those satellites single-handedly then that's
satellites single-handedly then that's what I'll do who's with me none of
what I'll do who's with me none of [Music]
[Music] us if only I hadn't drunk the boss's
us if only I hadn't drunk the boss's coffee I would still have my knack for
coffee I would still have my knack for technology I'm afraid your son has The
technology I'm afraid your son has The Knack can he lead a normal life you're
Knack can he lead a normal life you're drinking out of my car now you're
drinking out of my car now you're infected you've lost the neck that
infected you've lost the neck that management DNA must have infected you
management DNA must have infected you you're only ugly on the
outside I've got it I know how to get my neck
back hello hello somebody answer me there's got to be someone out there I'll
there's got to be someone out there I'll pay any roaming charges I'll accept a
pay any roaming charges I'll accept a collect international
call what did I tell you about trying to contact the outside
contact the outside [Music]
world to facilitate the implementation of our business system transition
of our business system transition strategy we must maximize our talent
strategy we must maximize our talent pace and thereby determine our
pace and thereby determine our propensities for consensus
propensities for consensus [Music]
building here drink this oh kind sir you offer me a Tipple to slake mine thirst
offer me a Tipple to slake mine thirst alas I have but recently emed a goblet
alas I have but recently emed a goblet of Ale just a sip then a sip a sip you
of Ale just a sip then a sip a sip you say to wet one's whistle why what harm
say to wet one's whistle why what harm could it do but apparently I am already
could it do but apparently I am already quenched drink
quenched drink [Music]
it good sir your generosity will not be circumvented pH I salute you I don't
circumvented pH I salute you I don't feel any
feel any [Music]
different I hope you washed your cup [Music]
dirty rags for sale who buys dirty rags you'd be surprised I don't need any Rags
you'd be surprised I don't need any Rags what I need is to find my Knack yes The
what I need is to find my Knack yes The Knack it's like trying to find the one
Knack it's like trying to find the one good rag in a huge pile of bad
good rag in a huge pile of bad ones how's that the same sometimes the
ones how's that the same sometimes the harder you look the better it
hides when you stop looking for the neck it will find
familiar you know if you shorten the axle about 8 in you'll reduce the stress
axle about 8 in you'll reduce the stress and you won't have this
and you won't have this problem
problem exactly looks like you found your rag
exactly looks like you found your rag [Music]
I know you've grown accustomed to the new ways the authenticity and the
new ways the authenticity and the relationship with nature but it's a lie
relationship with nature but it's a lie we live in a cold mechanistic
we live in a cold mechanistic technocracy we have to make that work I
technocracy we have to make that work I know life is unfair you'll get no
know life is unfair you'll get no argument from me I know it's not fun and
argument from me I know it's not fun and it's not novel but it's real to that end
it's not novel but it's real to that end I've turned this Silo into a rocket by
I've turned this Silo into a rocket by loading it with 20 tons of match heads
loading it with 20 tons of match heads it's going to reorient the satellites
it's going to reorient the satellites and give us back our
and give us back our [Music]
[Music] technology thank God I am tired of
technology thank God I am tired of sleeping in dung and wearing these
sleeping in dung and wearing these unflattering clothes I miss TV do miss
unflattering clothes I miss TV do miss TV my show
TV my show [Music]
o it didn't work everything is still ruined but now it's worse because for a
ruined but now it's worse because for a few moments we had hope sign for Human
few moments we had hope sign for Human Sacrifice just let me get this
calling H too bad I was beginning to enjoy the simple life Everyone likes the
enjoy the simple life Everyone likes the simple life until it gets
simple life until it gets [Music]
[Music] complicated where's Dad tonight he's
complicated where's Dad tonight he's still at the all you can eat buffet
still at the all you can eat buffet place in the mall how long has he been
place in the mall how long has he been there since
there since 1979 you got to hand it to him he
1979 you got to hand it to him he doesn't give up for him it's the
doesn't give up for him it's the principal he's not coming home until
principal he's not coming home until he's sure it's all he can eat it was a
he's sure it's all he can eat it was a mistake for them to put bathrooms in
mistake for them to put bathrooms in that
that place you remind me so much of him what
place you remind me so much of him what little I can
little I can remember how can they say it's the
remember how can they say it's the world's favorite snack I'd like to see
world's favorite snack I'd like to see the evidence that supports that maybe
the evidence that supports that maybe you should write to them and man
you should write to them and man proof now you've done it and how do they
proof now you've done it and how do they know this is 30% of my daily recommended
know this is 30% of my daily recommended fat isn't everyone a different size to
fat isn't everyone a different size to begin with let's go in the living room
begin with let's go in the living room he'll be a
he'll be a while are they telling me a jockey needs
while are they telling me a jockey needs the same amount of cookie protein as a
the same amount of cookie protein as a professional
professional weightlifter they must think we're
weightlifter they must think we're idiots or something without a weight
idiots or something without a weight chart this is completely unhelpful
[Music] w
h h Huh according to my perpetual calendar program June 30th in the year
calendar program June 30th in the year 2014 will be a Thursday Did you know
2014 will be a Thursday Did you know that if I say yes will you not talk no
that if I say yes will you not talk no this is kind of interesting guess what
this is kind of interesting guess what day of the week is the first day of the
day of the week is the first day of the year
year 2,222 Tu day no but that would have been
2,222 Tu day no but that would have been good too more importantly which is
good too more importantly which is better Paris or Rome
better Paris or Rome better Paris
better Paris which is better Prague or Budapest why
which is better Prague or Budapest why does it matter which is better
does it matter which is better Prague which is better what are you
Prague which is better what are you doing I have to RSVP to my Millennium
doing I have to RSVP to my Millennium parties Millennium parties yes which is
parties Millennium parties yes which is better Hong Kong or Singapore wait a
better Hong Kong or Singapore wait a minute maybe my invitations have been
minute maybe my invitations have been lost in the mail oh who cares I never
lost in the mail oh who cares I never like New Year's Eve anyway and this
like New Year's Eve anyway and this one's no different except that everyone
one's no different except that everyone on Earth will be celebrating the end of
on Earth will be celebrating the end of the millennium
the millennium well everyone except you I don't care I
well everyone except you I don't care I will not be pressured into having fun
will not be pressured into having fun just because we arbitrarily use a base
just because we arbitrarily use a base 10 counting system and a big round
10 counting system and a big round number is coming up if I'm going to have
number is coming up if I'm going to have fun I want a good reason well said so
fun I want a good reason well said so which is better lisan or Istanbul oh
which is better lisan or Istanbul oh come on I can't be the only person not
come on I can't be the only person not getting invitations to Millennium
getting invitations to Millennium parties which is better Tokyo or Munich
[Music] [Laughter]
[Laughter] [Music]
[Applause] [Music]
[Applause] [Music]
do you guys have any party plans for New Year's Eve 1999 oh yeah of course only a
Year's Eve 1999 oh yeah of course only a total loser would have no plans for the
total loser would have no plans for the biggest Night Ever In Our Lifetime what
biggest Night Ever In Our Lifetime what are you doing Dilbert me I uh I got
are you doing Dilbert me I uh I got plans I'm planning to link up with my
plans I'm planning to link up with my survivalist militia group and loot a
survivalist militia group and loot a National Guard ammunition dump do you
National Guard ammunition dump do you know something I don't Hello the
know something I don't Hello the millennium
millennium bug when the date hits 2000 all computer
bug when the date hits 2000 all computer will malfunction and the world will
will malfunction and the world will plunge into chaos I don't want to be
plunge into chaos I don't want to be outgunned we won't have a year 2000
outgunned we won't have a year 2000 problem in this company all of our
problem in this company all of our computers are new not all you're
computers are new not all you're forgetting Black Betty Black Betty that
forgetting Black Betty Black Betty that main frame was replaced years ago Black
main frame was replaced years ago Black Betty did you say Black Betty Bo I
Betty did you say Black Betty Bo I haven't thought about Old Black Betty in
haven't thought about Old Black Betty in ages maybe never but she's real as real
ages maybe never but she's real as real as the dwarf who sneaks into my bedroom
as the dwarf who sneaks into my bedroom at night and steals my underwear about
at night and steals my underwear about that main frame not now I'm reminiscing
that main frame not now I'm reminiscing where was I Black Betty yes Black Betty
where was I Black Betty yes Black Betty the main frame boy oh boy we thought
the main frame boy oh boy we thought about replacing her years ago but then
about replacing her years ago but then we thought well why not just Cobble our
we thought well why not just Cobble our new systems to the old one with Untold
new systems to the old one with Untold miles of spaghetti code and obsolete
miles of spaghetti code and obsolete coax cable why'd you do that it was an
coax cable why'd you do that it was an executive decision we figured it would
executive decision we figured it would save money in the short run and only
save money in the short run and only later plunged the company Into Darkness
later plunged the company Into Darkness after we Executives had all left for
after we Executives had all left for other companies but you're still here
other companies but you're still here brinksmanship I live for it you know how
brinksmanship I live for it you know how sometimes you're driving down the
sometimes you're driving down the freeway and you pull into the oncoming
freeway and you pull into the oncoming Lane intentionally only to Swerve away
Lane intentionally only to Swerve away at the last minute that was you you ran
at the last minute that was you you ran me off the road stared Destiny right in
me off the road stared Destiny right in the face you could have killed me sorry
the face you could have killed me sorry anyway which is better Jakarta or Geneva
anyway which is better Jakarta or Geneva we have to do something about the
we have to do something about the millennium bug the millennium bug are
millennium bug the millennium bug are you telling me that Han Solo's ship is
you telling me that Han Solo's ship is here that's the Millennium Falcon I'm
here that's the Millennium Falcon I'm talking about the year 2000 problem y 2K
talking about the year 2000 problem y 2K oh yes um t3g pardon
oh yes um t3g pardon b9c b9c look if our computer systems are
b9c b9c look if our computer systems are all connected to Black Betty some
all connected to Black Betty some ancient Mainframe oh oh e4j this is fun
ancient Mainframe oh oh e4j this is fun we're out of business when the date
we're out of business when the date changes you mean all the technology is
changes you mean all the technology is going
going to break yes is there any way this
to break yes is there any way this collapse of civilization thing could
collapse of civilization thing could affect me personally I think it might
affect me personally I think it might okay then you have my full support to
okay then you have my full support to fix the problem unless it involves any
fix the problem unless it involves any sort of resources or decisions or effort
sort of resources or decisions or effort on my part remember money is No Object
on my part remember money is No Object unless of course you plan to spend it me
unless of course you plan to spend it me why is it up to me because you brought
why is it up to me because you brought it up you know the rules he who
it up you know the rules he who complains is assigned to fix it that
complains is assigned to fix it that only applies to little things this could
only applies to little things this could be the biggest project in our company's
be the biggest project in our company's history and I've never even seen that
history and I've never even seen that Black Betty Mainframe no one has for
Black Betty Mainframe no one has for years it's quite splendiferous you've
years it's quite splendiferous you've seen it I helped install it of course
seen it I helped install it of course that was years ago before the life force
that was years ago before the life force was drained for my body and I became a
was drained for my body and I became a selfish and apathetic shell of a man
selfish and apathetic shell of a man then you can help I don't think you were
then you can help I don't think you were listening besides I don't even remember
listening besides I don't even remember back then you have to help Wally the
back then you have to help Wally the career of every employee depends on it
career of every employee depends on it if our main frame goes nuts we'll lose
if our main frame goes nuts we'll lose our payroll system our pension database
our payroll system our pension database the Personnel records it will be as if
the Personnel records it will be as if we never even worked here for me every
we never even worked here for me every day is like that you know what I mean if
day is like that you know what I mean if we go down you're going down with us sh
we go down you're going down with us sh sh yes uh I want the gold card the
sh yes uh I want the gold card the silver card and the Platinum Card are
silver card and the Platinum Card are there any other heavy metals that you
there any other heavy metals that you make cards in okay then send them out
make cards in okay then send them out Wally what are you doing welcoming in
Wally what are you doing welcoming in the Millennium by ordering credit cards
the Millennium by ordering credit cards that's right I'm applying for every
that's right I'm applying for every credit card I can get my hands on then
credit card I can get my hands on then I'll take huge cash advances and wait
I'll take huge cash advances and wait for the millennium bug to hose the
for the millennium bug to hose the bank's computers they'll never be able
bank's computers they'll never be able to build me you would have made a great
to build me you would have made a great great evil mastermind n the hours are
great evil mastermind n the hours are too
too long Alice you've got to help me on this
long Alice you've got to help me on this year 2000 project I need a team I would
year 2000 project I need a team I would but I don't have time I'm buried with
but I don't have time I'm buried with work maybe you should come with me to
work maybe you should come with me to see the Director of Human Resources he
see the Director of Human Resources he might have a company sponsored program
might have a company sponsored program for time
for time management aook we need your help on the
management aook we need your help on the year 2000 project I'd like to help but
year 2000 project I'd like to help but I'm just an intern I have no experience
I'm just an intern I have no experience with computers made before the '90s come
with computers made before the '90s come with us to see the Director of Human
with us to see the Director of Human Resources maybe he knows of some company
Resources maybe he knows of some company sponsored training you can
take w-e shh I'm securing a home equity loan but you don't own a home I don't
loan but you don't own a home I don't but my good friend Bob does who's Bob
but my good friend Bob does who's Bob I'm Bob oh sheesh but Wally you're our
I'm Bob oh sheesh but Wally you're our best hope you've got to help on the year
best hope you've got to help on the year 2000 problem you were there you know
2000 problem you were there you know where the date code is on the old main
where the date code is on the old main frame I don't remember any of it it was
frame I don't remember any of it it was a long time ago yes I'm holding come
a long time ago yes I'm holding come with us to see the Director of Human
with us to see the Director of Human Resources maybe he has some sort of
Resources maybe he has some sort of company sponsored program to regain lost
memories Bob Bob are you there hello Bob dogor I need you meet me at work
[Music] what do you want we came to see Mr
what do you want we came to see Mr catart what for well I need 45 more
catart what for well I need 45 more people to help me on the year 2000
people to help me on the year 2000 project I need more time I need
project I need more time I need experience I need a memory what about
experience I need a memory what about the dog I'm perfect but thanks for
the dog I'm perfect but thanks for asking Mr catb bird is busy go away
we could shove as shook the intern through the opening and he can unlock
through the opening and he can unlock the door from the other side I could
the door from the other side I could never fit in that tiny
hole note to self get smarter troll to guard door we need your help I can't
guard door we need your help I can't help why not it's a company policy
help why not it's a company policy aren't you the one who makes the company
aren't you the one who makes the company policies do I have a great job or what
policies do I have a great job or what if you don't help us we're going to be
if you don't help us we're going to be stuck here and we'll never be able to go
stuck here and we'll never be able to go home Dilbert you don't need me you have
home Dilbert you don't need me you have everything you need right here take a
everything you need right here take a shook here he has no experience I am a
shook here he has no experience I am a blank slate but what he doesn't realize
blank slate but what he doesn't realize is that cynicism is almost the same
is that cynicism is almost the same thing as
thing as experience it is sure just try thinking
experience it is sure just try thinking the worst about people and you'll
the worst about people and you'll usually be right I feel wiser already
usually be right I feel wiser already and Alice you need more time but that's
and Alice you need more time but that's only because you spend so much time with
only because you spend so much time with your hair and makeup in the morning
your hair and makeup in the morning that's a necessity only in your mind you
that's a necessity only in your mind you mean I'm beautiful just the way I am no
mean I'm beautiful just the way I am no I mean it's a lost
I mean it's a lost cause you should put that time to better
cause you should put that time to better use what about w-e he needs a memory w-e
use what about w-e he needs a memory w-e does it need a real memory I doubt no
does it need a real memory I doubt no recent court rulings have proven false
recent court rulings have proven false memory is just as good as the real thing
memory is just as good as the real thing maybe better how do I get one of those
maybe better how do I get one of those hypnosis will do the trick I have some
hypnosis will do the trick I have some books right here let me see those
books right here let me see those [Music]
[Music] you don't have these on video do you
you don't have these on video do you okay this is a start but I still need
okay this is a start but I still need more bodies don't you have a list of
more bodies don't you have a list of surplused employees well I don't usually
surplused employees well I don't usually do this do what be helpful but I do have
do this do what be helpful but I do have a list of employees who have recently
a list of employees who have recently been terminated how does that help still
been terminated how does that help still on the payroll for two more weeks
on the payroll for two more weeks they're all described in this binder
they're all described in this binder [Music]
[Music] the useless guy the useless guy will
the useless guy the useless guy will take up space and eat your Donuts
take up space and eat your Donuts sometimes he will clip articles from
sometimes he will clip articles from Publications and leave them on your
Publications and leave them on your chair Ted the generic guy he has no
chair Ted the generic guy he has no distinct characteristics people who have
distinct characteristics people who have known him for years can't describe him
known him for years can't describe him there may be more than one Ted in the
there may be more than one Ted in the company no one really knows zimu the
company no one really knows zimu the monkey smarter than the average siman
monkey smarter than the average siman writes computer code at record speed
writes computer code at record speed thanks to his tail they aren't much but
thanks to his tail they aren't much but they have to do can you regress him to
they have to do can you regress him to his earlier days as an engineer when he
his earlier days as an engineer when he helped install the main frame I'm not up
helped install the main frame I'm not up to the regression chapter yet what have
to the regression chapter yet what have you learned I can make him walk a tight
you learned I can make him walk a tight RPP across a ravine does it have to be a
RPP across a ravine does it have to be a ravine can it be any sort of Chasm sure
ravine can it be any sort of Chasm sure Ravine or Gulch or Chasm or gasm
Ravine or Gulch or Chasm or gasm huh oops I skipped a chapter
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
mom mom in here dear push a little harder get your shoulder into
it Mom what are you doing stockpiling stockpiling why where have you been
stockpiling why where have you been haven't you heard about Y2K heard of it
haven't you heard about Y2K heard of it I'm in charge of fixing the bug for my
I'm in charge of fixing the bug for my whole company you are God help them
whole company you are God help them thanks mom maybe you should start
thanks mom maybe you should start hoarding essential supplies before it's
hoarding essential supplies before it's too late why are you hoarding hair
too late why are you hoarding hair conditioner I had a coupon mom it would
conditioner I had a coupon mom it would be a lot easier to talk to you if I
be a lot easier to talk to you if I could see you I'm not here I'm at the
could see you I'm not here I'm at the warehouse shopping club with a movie van
warehouse shopping club with a movie van am I so predictable you can record your
am I so predictable you can record your side of the conversation in advance yes
side of the conversation in advance yes you are so predictable I can record my
you are so predictable I can record my side of the conversation in
side of the conversation in [Music]
[Music] advance put it
[Music] back excuse me I need to get out get out
back excuse me I need to get out get out nobody gets out haven't you learned that
nobody gets out haven't you learned that by now I mean the driveway I know what
by now I mean the driveway I know what you mean the question is do you know
you mean the question is do you know what you mean what do you mean you're
what you mean what do you mean you're concerned about Y2K you're afraid you
concerned about Y2K you're afraid you won't be able to solve the problem in
won't be able to solve the problem in time that you'll go down in history as
time that you'll go down in history as the goat of the New Millennium how do
the goat of the New Millennium how do you know that it's written all over your
you know that it's written all over your face if you're so smart what do I do
face if you're so smart what do I do about the year 2000 problem don't fight
about the year 2000 problem don't fight the problem embrace it you are Y2K I am
the problem embrace it you are Y2K I am Y2K are you just going to keep repeating
Y2K are you just going to keep repeating what I say okay okay embrace it got it
finally um excuse me I still need to get out they never
optional and then he says do you know what you mean and I said fix it yet not
what you mean and I said fix it yet not yet okay as I was
yet okay as I was saying cut it out I'm not doing anything
saying cut it out I'm not doing anything your tail is poking my face your face is
your tail is poking my face your face is poking my tail let's go around the table
poking my tail let's go around the table and introduce ourselves we just did that
and introduce ourselves we just did that can anyone pay attention
can anyone pay attention here can I say something
here can I say something what nothing it's just been a while
what nothing it's just been a while since I said
since I said anything now Ted it seems to me you
anything now Ted it seems to me you might be able to Ted I was saying you
might be able to Ted I was saying you might be able to Ted I Ted Ted are you
might be able to Ted I Ted Ted are you talking to me yes my name's not Ted it's
talking to me yes my name's not Ted it's not well what is it well it's Ted but
not well what is it well it's Ted but not the Ted you're thinking
not the Ted you're thinking of hey what did I tell you come and get
of hey what did I tell you come and get me get him off of me I cut out this
me get him off of me I cut out this article today I'll pass it around
article today I'll pass it around [Applause]
[Applause] there it is Black Betty that main frame
there it is Black Betty that main frame is tied to every computer system in this
is tied to every computer system in this company and only Wall-E knows its
company and only Wall-E knows its [Music]
Secrets this is the only control Port into Black Betty it hasn't been used for
into Black Betty it hasn't been used for years there must be 10 million lines of
years there must be 10 million lines of computer code in that thing and no
computer code in that thing and no written documentation
written documentation let's give up now and form an agrarian
let's give up now and form an agrarian society don't panic yet if dogbert can
society don't panic yet if dogbert can get Wall-E to remember how we installed
get Wall-E to remember how we installed this we'll know exactly where to make
this we'll know exactly where to make the changes so our futures depend on
the changes so our futures depend on WALL-E that's it we're all
Farmers how's it going any progress no apparently he was a cow in a previous
apparently he was a cow in a previous life stop playing around we need him to
life stop playing around we need him to remember his days as a young engineer
remember his days as a young engineer when he installed the Black Betty m
when he installed the Black Betty m frame you're stressed have a glass of
frame you're stressed have a glass of warm milk I am kind of
thirsty it's cobal I learned about this in school you learned a program in
in school you learned a program in Cobalt no I learned about it in History
Cobalt no I learned about it in History Class history you say I'll see if I can
Class history you say I'll see if I can find anything about history in the
find anything about history in the literature
1970s I am getting such a sunburn whose idea was this pyramid thing anyway why
idea was this pyramid thing anyway why don't we just cover the Pharaoh with
don't we just cover the Pharaoh with sand you afraid we run
sand you afraid we run out now this is more like
out now this is more like [Music]
[Music] it hey I'm on a
it hey I'm on a break how did you get here hey who's the
break how did you get here hey who's the hypnotist
hypnotist right a God has descended to Earth sorry
right a God has descended to Earth sorry no
autographs in retrospect this was a pretty great Epoch all right who wants
pretty great Epoch all right who wants to Fan me back back in time to the
to Fan me back back in time to the 1970s
1970s ad remember yourself as a young engineer
ad remember yourself as a young engineer I had hair you were full of optimism and
I had hair you were full of optimism and enthusiasm I cared about my job morning
enthusiasm I cared about my job morning morning morning morning morning good
morning morning morning morning good morning that's the new whiz
morning that's the new whiz kid hot shot so much hope and energy
kid hot shot so much hope and energy he's got the World on a
he's got the World on a String hey w-e how about some coffee uh
String hey w-e how about some coffee uh thanks but no thanks I don't want to
thanks but no thanks I don't want to miss any
work look at him go he's written an entire customer database system from
entire customer database system from scratch
scratch why do we only use two digits to store
why do we only use two digits to store the dates it saves space yeah but in the
the dates it saves space yeah but in the year 2000 the programs won't work
year 2000 the programs won't work because the computer will think it's
year0 we know from the hypnotic regression that Wall-E used to be a
regression that Wall-E used to be a great engineer wow from great engineer
great engineer wow from great engineer to doorstop in just a few short years
to doorstop in just a few short years Wally was a magnific stallion before he
Wally was a magnific stallion before he became a broken man you don't often hear
became a broken man you don't often hear the words Wall-E and stallion in the
the words Wall-E and stallion in the same sentence but he was a stallion once
same sentence but he was a stallion once that's the point don't you get it I get
that's the point don't you get it I get it no I don't we've got to think like
it no I don't we've got to think like Wall-E no young
Wall-E no young Wall-E young Wall-E would have seen this
Wall-E young Wall-E would have seen this year 2000 problem coming he would have
year 2000 problem coming he would have left Flags in the program so he could
left Flags in the program so he could find the date code easily probably some
find the date code easily probably some sort of key keyword in the program
sort of key keyword in the program documentation if we figure out the
documentation if we figure out the keyword we'll know exactly where the
keyword we'll know exactly where the problems are w-e what is the keyword
problems are w-e what is the keyword keyword what is the keyword keyword no
keyword what is the keyword keyword no no what is the keyword
keyword I think his keyword was keyword all right I said smart not creative
all right I said smart not creative [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
this old equipment won't make it it has to it's obsolete if it fries we'll never
to it's obsolete if it fries we'll never have a way to reprogram the main
[Music] frame he's not going to make it he's not
frame he's not going to make it he's not fast enough step aside I see what he's
fast enough step aside I see what he's doing you just need a faster typist
doing you just need a faster typist [Music]
[Music] still no good he won't make it use the
still no good he won't make it use the tail zimo the
blow I feel so soiled even more than usual
usual oh my God have I been working is it
oh my God have I been working is it fixed yet we won't know until January
fixed yet we won't know until January 1st why what significance does January
1st why what significance does January 1st have January 1st 2000 apparently
1st have January 1st 2000 apparently you've been too busy fooling around to
you've been too busy fooling around to read the news the National Bureau of
read the news the National Bureau of Standards has decided to skip 2000 the
Standards has decided to skip 2000 the 21st century won't officially start till
21st century won't officially start till the year 2001 you can't do that that's
the year 2001 you can't do that that's what they said about daylight savings
what they said about daylight savings time no they didn't well they should
time no they didn't well they should have my watch is off by an hour
have my watch is off by an hour sometimes it's like that for months
sometimes it's like that for months maybe we should get hopping on The Year
maybe we should get hopping on The Year 3,000 problem you know nip it in the bud
3,000 problem you know nip it in the bud good thinking Alice you're in
[Music] charge Hi how are
charge Hi how are you what nothing I'm here to withdraw
you what nothing I'm here to withdraw the maximum cash advances from each of
the maximum cash advances from each of these credit
these credit cards are you one of those guys who
cards are you one of those guys who thinks our computer records will be
thinks our computer records will be wiped out by the year 2000 bug and you
wiped out by the year 2000 bug and you won't have to pay us back and there's
won't have to pay us back and there's nothing you can do about
nothing you can do about [Music]
[Music] it here you
go you know no matter how many times I do that it's always enjoyable
do that it's always enjoyable [Applause]
w [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
hey I know you you live across the street oh yeah what's my name uh I don't
street oh yeah what's my name uh I don't know right so let's just keep this on a
know right so let's just keep this on a professional level okay I'm selling
professional level okay I'm selling overpriced cookies that taste like
overpriced cookies that taste like Styrofoam h how many cartons should I
Styrofoam h how many cartons should I put you down for will my money go to a
put you down for will my money go to a good cause well what do you consider a
good cause well what do you consider a good cause feeding the poor our troop is
good cause feeding the poor our troop is taking a trip to the Fashion Cafe it's
taking a trip to the Fashion Cafe it's in New York I know where it is aren't
in New York I know where it is aren't both of your parents successful
both of your parents successful attorneys is that relevant to this
attorneys is that relevant to this cookie transaction in any way your
cookie transaction in any way your family is Rich why should I pay for your
vacation my troop leader said people are nice if you give them a
nice if you give them a chance she said I would learn from this
experience no no it's okay don't don't cry it's so unfair first your generation
cry it's so unfair first your generation pollutes the world and plunders its
pollutes the world and plunders its natural resources now this okay okay
natural resources now this okay okay just calm down I'll buy a
just calm down I'll buy a box that'll be $80 $80 for cookies
okay take my money go visit the Fashion Cafe maybe I'll buy a pony too shouldn't
Cafe maybe I'll buy a pony too shouldn't you write down my name or something I
you write down my name or something I don't like to leave a paper trail thank
don't like to leave a paper trail thank you you're
you you're [Music]
[Music] welcome what you buckled under the
welcome what you buckled under the pressure wuss I helped a little girl
pressure wuss I helped a little girl learn a valuable lesson about life I
learn a valuable lesson about life I think you encouraged her to pursue a
think you encouraged her to pursue a life of crime no I taught her by my
life of crime no I taught her by my example that you don't need a reason to
example that you don't need a reason to help a neighbor it feels good to give Ah
help a neighbor it feels good to give Ah that's ridiculous I'll bet you $20 it
that's ridiculous I'll bet you $20 it doesn't feel good to give you are on my
doesn't feel good to give you are on my cynical
cynical friend okay to settle the question give
friend okay to settle the question give me $40 and then tell me if it feels good
me $40 and then tell me if it feels good that wouldn't feel good okay then give
that wouldn't feel good okay then give me $20 because you lost the
me $20 because you lost the bet did I just make a bet that would
bet did I just make a bet that would cost me $20 whether I won or not yeah
cost me $20 whether I won or not yeah yes but you also got to help someone
yes but you also got to help someone more fortunate than yourself
more fortunate than yourself [Music]
[Music] [Laughter]
[Music] oh hey
[Applause] [Music]
this year I have volunteered to chair the associated weight charity drive for
the associated weight charity drive for our County I think you all know why is
our County I think you all know why is it because you need another plaque to
it because you need another plaque to cover a fly stain on your office wall
cover a fly stain on your office wall yes that and something about poor people
yes that and something about poor people I expect they'll send me some details in
I expect they'll send me some details in the mail it's like you're a saint or
the mail it's like you're a saint or something no loud how I'm no saint I
something no loud how I'm no saint I just believe that people should do their
just believe that people should do their fair share or in the case where one of
fair share or in the case where one of those people is the boss other people
those people is the boss other people should do it for him this is even more
should do it for him this is even more inspirational than last year now in
inspirational than last year now in keeping with tradition three charity
keeping with tradition three charity coordinators will be chosen from the
coordinators will be chosen from the list of our most useless
list of our most useless employees W hey top of the list four
employees W hey top of the list four years in a row whoo whoa a dead guy we
years in a row whoo whoa a dead guy we found in the stairwell and the chair
found in the stairwell and the chair he's sitting in which we've named Ronald
he's sitting in which we've named Ronald oh tough competition congratulations you
oh tough competition congratulations you will each be assigned an official
will each be assigned an official Associated way uniform and a donation
Associated way uniform and a donation container Cool chick's dier man in
container Cool chick's dier man in uniform everybody who donates will get
uniform everybody who donates will get one of these colorful stylish I get to
one of these colorful stylish I get to keep my job t-shirts of course
keep my job t-shirts of course participation is completely 100%
participation is completely 100% voluntary any questions
yeah cariv Carnival all right youngsters
cariv Carnival all right youngsters settle down we'll have the company
settle down we'll have the company charity Carnival
charity Carnival okay I hate that Carnival all the money
okay I hate that Carnival all the money raised at the carnival is spent paying
raised at the carnival is spent paying for the carnival and it's based on the
for the carnival and it's based on the premise of Cheap Thrills and cheating
premise of Cheap Thrills and cheating hardly charitable Concepts how dare you
hardly charitable Concepts how dare you how dare you denigrate the Carnival sh
how dare you denigrate the Carnival sh Dilbert are you criticizing the carnival
Dilbert are you criticizing the carnival I'm a Gog and I rarely admit that no
I'm a Gog and I rarely admit that no it's just that uh
it's just that uh well okay exactly where does the money
well okay exactly where does the money go well there's the poor who I keep
go well there's the poor who I keep going on about and of course the plaques
going on about and of course the plaques don't grow on trees isn't the plaque
don't grow on trees isn't the plaque made of wood so then it does grow on a
made of wood so then it does grow on a tree why do you ask a question if you
tree why do you ask a question if you already know the answer he's an Arrogant
already know the answer he's an Arrogant Bastard now listen Punk if you think you
Bastard now listen Punk if you think you can reinvent the wheel the ferris wheel
can reinvent the wheel the ferris wheel that is then go right ahead Carnival
that is then go right ahead Carnival chairman Dilbert
chairman Dilbert haha what just
happened so Dilbert how much can I put you down
you down for here's 20 bucks now leave me alone
for here's 20 bucks now leave me alone until next year ooh $20 I'll see if
until next year ooh $20 I'll see if they'll name a hospital after you you
they'll name a hospital after you you don't even know where the money goes I
don't even know where the money goes I don't know where pudding comes from but
don't know where pudding comes from but I still eat it that is such a bad
I still eat it that is such a bad analogy thank you w-e now I can never
analogy thank you w-e now I can never eat pudding again well it wouldn't hurt
eat pudding again well it wouldn't hurt you to cut down on the calories no
you to cut down on the calories no matter what people say Alice looks are
matter what people say Alice looks are important Alice have you fulfilled your
important Alice have you fulfilled your obligation to society yes I signed up
obligation to society yes I signed up for payroll deduction I like to give I'm
for payroll deduction I like to give I'm morally Superior to Dilbert that is so
morally Superior to Dilbert that is so illogical as long as there are starving
illogical as long as there are starving people in the world you can't have money
people in the world you can't have money in the bank can still claim to be moral
in the bank can still claim to be moral there is ample precedent for my behavior
there is ample precedent for my behavior it is completely societally appropriate
it is completely societally appropriate to give only as much as one can afford
to give only as much as one can afford you just bought six pairs of shoes that
you just bought six pairs of shoes that look exactly the
look exactly the same that came out of my shoe budget
same that came out of my shoe budget Don't Rock the Boat Dilbert it's a
Don't Rock the Boat Dilbert it's a fragile system that shoe money could
fragile system that shoe money could have fed a poor family for a year what's
have fed a poor family for a year what's so moral about letting people starve to
so moral about letting people starve to death so that you can have extra shoes
death so that you can have extra shoes stop it you're ruining everything I mean
stop it you're ruining everything I mean until you give it all away you're not
until you give it all away you're not more moral you just feel less guilty I
more moral you just feel less guilty I don't agree the concept of morality is
don't agree the concept of morality is contingent upon the cultural context I
contingent upon the cultural context I mean the relative value of guilt in a
mean the relative value of guilt in a so-called free Society I mean altruistic
so-called free Society I mean altruistic inclinations are dependent upon I mean
inclinations are dependent upon I mean damn you're right I hate
that hey can you spare a few dollars for the disabled veterans of retail security
the disabled veterans of retail security you don't look disabled to me I've got
you don't look disabled to me I've got prickly heat ad's just kind of slow
prickly heat ad's just kind of slow which one of us is Ed you're on my turf
which one of us is Ed you're on my turf fellas don't start with me you wouldn't
fellas don't start with me you wouldn't be the first guy in a monkey costume
be the first guy in a monkey costume that I've had to kill can you settle
that I've had to kill can you settle this
this outside I'm collecting for the Sisters
outside I'm collecting for the Sisters of Perpetual Motion there's no such
of Perpetual Motion there's no such thing as perpetual motion not now but if
thing as perpetual motion not now but if we collect enough money someday well
we collect enough money someday well come
come you who should I make that out to to the
you who should I make that out to to the Society of guys with large bellies who
Society of guys with large bellies who don't havex satellite dishes yet this
don't havex satellite dishes yet this will nearly triple our odds of seeing
will nearly triple our odds of seeing naked people who can't see
us I don't know if I mentioned that the cable viewers guide that's extra morning
cable viewers guide that's extra morning Governor would you help out a good C and
Governor would you help out a good C and buy a candy bar only
buy a candy bar only $5 how do I know my money won't be
$5 how do I know my money won't be squandered in administrative expenses
squandered in administrative expenses and never reach the uh what was the
and never reach the uh what was the cause again we're trying to find a cure
cause again we're trying to find a cure for canine apathy canine
for canine apathy canine apathy by any chance is your leader
apathy by any chance is your leader about 2 ft tall round glasses and a tail
about 2 ft tall round glasses and a tail okay urchins bring the money to the
van you seem a little short no sir no I would never do I have to run a full body
would never do I have to run a full body cavity search on
cavity search on you good and put more dirt on your
you good and put more dirt on your [Music]
face dog bir I don't believe we've gotten a donation from you
at least I'll get a few minutes a piece howdy that my name is Foster from the
howdy that my name is Foster from the organization of farmers who are afraid
organization of farmers who are afraid of cows why don't they just change jobs
of cows why don't they just change jobs how's a cow going to change jobs cityy
how's a cow going to change jobs cityy boy use your head go away leave me
boy use your head go away leave me alone would you donate money to the
alone would you donate money to the women who cut their hair too short and
women who cut their hair too short and don't realize how bad it looks money for
don't realize how bad it looks money for mountain goats with three legs hey
mountain goats with three legs hey you're hiding your leg I can see it hey
you're hiding your leg I can see it hey mind your own business buddy I'm not a
mind your own business buddy I'm not a man I heard there was a charity frenzy
man I heard there was a charity frenzy in progress did I miss anything okay
in progress did I miss anything okay here here this is all I have everyone
here here this is all I have everyone just leave me
alone oh Dilbert I'd like you to pick up my plaque at the associated way banquet
my plaque at the associated way banquet tomorrow night tell them how grateful I
tomorrow night tell them how grateful I am do you think this could have waited
am do you think this could have waited until later
until later don't mind me I'll just
[Music] wait there I was in the NBA Allstar
wait there I was in the NBA Allstar forward multi-millionaire life was good
forward multi-millionaire life was good until I turned to drugs and alcohol
until I turned to drugs and alcohol actually that part was pretty good too I
actually that part was pretty good too I love drugs and
love drugs and alcohol but I did get kicked off the
alcohol but I did get kicked off the team and lost my entire Fortune that's
team and lost my entire Fortune that's when the associated way helped me out I
when the associated way helped me out I got sober I started my own business now
got sober I started my own business now I got a beautiful wife great kids a
I got a beautiful wife great kids a mistress whole fleet of cars mansions on
mistress whole fleet of cars mansions on both coast and a jet and best of all I
both coast and a jet and best of all I haven't paid any taxes in
years thank you I think we've all learned a valuable lesson about life and
learned a valuable lesson about life and now to accept the appreciation award on
now to accept the appreciation award on behalf of our County coordinator is one
behalf of our County coordinator is one of his flunkies dillbert
of his flunkies dillbert [Applause]
on behalf of my boss who didn't care enough to be here thank you for this
enough to be here thank you for this lovely
plaque and if you don't mind me saying so what exactly was the lesson we're
so what exactly was the lesson we're supposed to get from this drugged out
supposed to get from this drugged out basketball
basketball player I mean didn't he just teach us
player I mean didn't he just teach us that if you become a drug addict your
that if you become a drug addict your life will turn out
fine it seems to me that this whole charity concept is nothing but an
charity concept is nothing but an exercise and redistribution of guilt I'm
exercise and redistribution of guilt I'm all for helping the disadvantaged but
all for helping the disadvantaged but aren't most of your funds going towards
aren't most of your funds going towards administrative costs wouldn't it be more
administrative costs wouldn't it be more effective more cost effective more
effective more cost effective more impactful if each of us just helped one
impactful if each of us just helped one other
person but I digress thank you all for this lovely
digress thank you all for this lovely plaque for my boss I'm sure you could
plaque for my boss I'm sure you could have fed a family of for for what it
have fed a family of for for what it costs to make
it it was just an argument I wasn't trying to change anyone's mind too late
trying to change anyone's mind too late gandi you've killed charitable giving
gandi you've killed charitable giving forever excuse me sir I I'm a woman damn
forever excuse me sir I I'm a woman damn it
it [Music]
hey what happened what happened get this guy yeah see we're the cleaning crew the
guy yeah see we're the cleaning crew the crew that cleans up I understand that
crew that cleans up I understand that how do you with your college degree you
how do you with your college degree you know we might not be Engineers but
know we might not be Engineers but there's a certain science to what we do
there's a certain science to what we do too well no there's not but I'm not here
too well no there's not but I'm not here to argue you've just discarded all of
to argue you've just discarded all of Alice's possessions what this junk where
Alice's possessions what this junk where she's going she ain't going to be
she's going she ain't going to be needing it where's she going the street
needing it where's she going the street the street but how's she going to live
the street but how's she going to live what about food clothing
what about food clothing shelter it's no problem it's not nope
shelter it's no problem it's not nope not anymore tell them homeless Depot is
not anymore tell them homeless Depot is the place for all your homeless needs
the place for all your homeless needs and at prices that can't be beat
and at prices that can't be beat homeless Depot now in two convenient
homeless Depot now in two convenient locations our original location at 11233
locations our original location at 11233 skid row and visit our newest homeless
skid row and visit our newest homeless Depot at 4752 that dangerous part of
Depot at 4752 that dangerous part of that abandoned Waterfront area down
that abandoned Waterfront area down there okay let's see
there okay let's see sweater a sock old rags carton of soggy
sweater a sock old rags carton of soggy cigarette butts those are on sale right
cigarette butts those are on sale right do you have your homeless Depot card of
do you have your homeless Depot card of course that's another 20% off Alice what
course that's another 20% off Alice what do you want Dilbert you gave all your
do you want Dilbert you gave all your money away what choice did I have you
money away what choice did I have you convinced me that it would be immoral to
convinced me that it would be immoral to hold on to it hey that is a spiffy
hold on to it hey that is a spiffy shopping cart you like it I customized
shopping cart you like it I customized it is that a motor yeah N9
it is that a motor yeah N9 horsepower wow Alice I thought maybe I
horsepower wow Alice I thought maybe I could get the carnival up and running
could get the carnival up and running again a carnival you mean like with
again a carnival you mean like with rides excuse me do I know you I'm your
rides excuse me do I know you I'm your neighbor I'm your friend I'm your
neighbor I'm your friend I'm your relative I'm the one you won't make eye
relative I'm the one you won't make eye contact with the one you're afraid to
contact with the one you're afraid to say hello to so in other words no
we're here at the charity Carnival the brainchild of this man Dilbert who
brainchild of this man Dilbert who ironically is the same man whose popular
ironically is the same man whose popular outspoken cynicism about charity has
outspoken cynicism about charity has meant a death sentence to thousands of
meant a death sentence to thousands of needy people was that a question there
needy people was that a question there you have it in his own words he just
you have it in his own words he just doesn't
doesn't [Music]
care wait I know this one it's Ted darn how does he do
how does he do it next this booth is doing well right
it next this booth is doing well right this way see the freaks $1 why
not I can't get an outside line I can't even get an operator to give me an
even get an operator to give me an outside line what does this button mean
outside line what does this button mean I've never heard that sound before it's
I've never heard that sound before it's it's not a busy signal it's more like a
it's not a busy signal it's more like a a beep beep beep beep that's funny I
a beep beep beep beep that's funny I could have sworn I put my glasses down
could have sworn I put my glasses down right here I was reading the paper and
right here I was reading the paper and then I got
up step right up knock a street urchin off a beam with a baseball and win a toy
off a beam with a baseball and win a toy watch how easy it is to win
watch how easy it is to win [Music]
[Music] come on folks don't be shy being a
come on folks don't be shy being a street urchin with a baseball you look
street urchin with a baseball you look innocent but you know they've done
innocent but you know they've done something to deserve it what about you
something to deserve it what about you sir that is disgusting you mean to say
sir that is disgusting you mean to say if I hit one of those kids with a
if I hit one of those kids with a baseball I could win some of this stuff
baseball I could win some of this stuff that's the
that's the premise isn't that my camera and my
premise isn't that my camera and my binoculars and my CD player tell you
binoculars and my CD player tell you what I'll do you hit one kid in the
what I'll do you hit one kid in the Noggin with one base basball and I'll
Noggin with one base basball and I'll give you all the prizes close the booth
give you all the prizes close the booth and go home all the prizes is there an
and go home all the prizes is there an echo in here all right I'll take a
shot step right up everybody plays only I win
I win oh that looks
oh that looks good yeah how do they do that hi
good yeah how do they do that hi hi well something smells
hi well something smells good I am just about parted
good I am just about parted out oh brother I've got to sit
out oh brother I've got to sit [Music]
[Music] down oh nobody's sitting here just take
down oh nobody's sitting here just take a load off till I get chased
Dy get a shot of the idiot on the dunking
[Music] tank ooh
tank ooh o hi everybody
o hi everybody [Music]
[Music] oh my God they've killed the
oh my God they've killed the [Music]
[Music] boss there's no pulse are you sure he
boss there's no pulse are you sure he had one
had one before he's not breathing do you know
before he's not breathing do you know what this means what does it mean 3-day
what this means what does it mean 3-day weekend maybe more somebody's going to
weekend maybe more somebody's going to have to give him mouth to mouth
have to give him mouth to mouth resusitation great
resusitation great [Music]
that well I'll be who would have guessed it I've been date raped by Dilbert no no
it I've been date raped by Dilbert no no you were drowning I saved you so you
you were drowning I saved you so you didn't slip me a Mickey and have your
didn't slip me a Mickey and have your your away with me no well that's first
your away with me no well that's first you're a hero now how does it feel
you're a hero now how does it feel strangely good except for the smell of
strangely good except for the smell of chili dogs that I may never forget you
chili dogs that I may never forget you saw it live one man acting against his
saw it live one man acting against his own interest to help his fellow man
own interest to help his fellow man nothing to gain but the knowledge that
nothing to gain but the knowledge that he helped another human being in some
he helped another human being in some small way what you have witnessed is
small way what you have witnessed is nothing less than the complete Rebirth
nothing less than the complete Rebirth of the spirit of
of the spirit of giving that's all from here yeah
giving that's all from here yeah yeah we go that was
yeah we go that was beautiful okay pack it up we got a cat
beautiful okay pack it up we got a cat stuck in a drain pipe across
stuck in a drain pipe across town if I'm not mistaken you just
town if I'm not mistaken you just performed an act of Charity without
performed an act of Charity without draining your bank account yeah so I
draining your bank account yeah so I believe I've made my
believe I've made my [Music]
[Music] point I just wanted to hear you admit it
that woman does not like to lose an [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
Sho all right I'm not the organic matter you think I am just like anything you
you think I am just like anything you hear from my employees
I'm going to need another plaque [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
do I have to wear this yes rat bird it's a dog bird day tradition everyone must
a dog bird day tradition everyone must wear the uncomfortable festive headgear
wear the uncomfortable festive headgear except me I think a fruit fly just went
except me I think a fruit fly just went up my
up my nostril do you mind I'm trying to watch
nostril do you mind I'm trying to watch the pine cone celebration parade why
the pine cone celebration parade why don't you go watch it in person then I
don't you go watch it in person then I wouldn't get to hear the commentary look
wouldn't get to hear the commentary look Phil it's another one of those big
Phil it's another one of those big things what are they called I think that
things what are they called I think that is called a float and the name
is called a float and the name originated right here in Seattle
yeah H they got further last year I forget is dog birthday and national
forget is dog birthday and national holiday well right now it's confined to
holiday well right now it's confined to the room but I'm trying to take it
the room but I'm trying to take it national I have a meeting with Congress
national I have a meeting with Congress tomorrow how do you get a meeting with
tomorrow how do you get a meeting with Congress I said I was a lobbyist for The
Congress I said I was a lobbyist for The apwd Bu The Association of people who
apwd Bu The Association of people who drink beer and use Dynamite exactly
drink beer and use Dynamite exactly Congress is trying to squelch their
Congress is trying to squelch their freedom of speech freedom of speech what
freedom of speech freedom of speech what exactly are people who drink beer and
exactly are people who drink beer and use Dynamite trying to say h usually
use Dynamite trying to say h usually it's something like I'm sorry about what
it's something like I'm sorry about what happened to your mobile home Bobby Joe
happened to your mobile home Bobby Joe but it's not what they say it's their
but it's not what they say it's their right to say it it is not really it's
right to say it it is not really it's just an excuse to talk to Congress so I
just an excuse to talk to Congress so I can push my idea for national dog
can push my idea for national dog birthday we'll return to the pine cone
birthday we'll return to the pine cone celebration after the body count now we
celebration after the body count now we join babe gets what's coming to him
join babe gets what's coming to him already in
already in progress how does one celebrate dog
progress how does one celebrate dog birthday aside from wearing
birthday aside from wearing uncomfortable hats rat
bir on dog birthday any child who has been good all year gets the shoplift for
been good all year gets the shoplift for an hour I think good behavior should be
an hour I think good behavior should be rewarding the traditional dog birthday
rewarding the traditional dog birthday Feast is the bald eagle I wanted
Feast is the bald eagle I wanted something special the traditional music
something special the traditional music of dog birthday is a drum solo played on
of dog birthday is a drum solo played on your own skull with
your own skull with [Music]
[Music] spoons do you think anyone will catch on
spoons do you think anyone will catch on to the fact that the entire dog bird Day
to the fact that the entire dog bird Day holiday is designed for the sole purpose
holiday is designed for the sole purpose of being annoying no one caught on when
of being annoying no one caught on when I invented National Secretary's Day I
I invented National Secretary's Day I wondered who came up with that
[Music] [Laughter]
[Applause] [Music]
[Applause] [Music]
hey you broke my window it was already like that what are
window it was already like that what are you talking about I watched you do it
you talking about I watched you do it well well it looks like we have one of
well well it looks like we have one of those he said she said situations I also
those he said she said situations I also have it on
have it on videotape so it's a he said she said
videotape so it's a he said she said grainy video situation I'll have
grainy video situation I'll have fingerprints and DNA in a
second you got quite a list of priors here dick
here dick [Music]
now it's going to be awkward every time I see him in the
I see him in the [Music]
hallway sign the Secretary's Day card for Carol and run it around have you
for Carol and run it around have you ever wondered who came up with
ever wondered who came up with Secretary's Day who comes up with any of
Secretary's Day who comes up with any of this garbage here I've got a card for
this garbage here I've got a card for Jennifer's wedding a congratulations
Jennifer's wedding a congratulations card for Mike's baby three birthdays and
card for Mike's baby three birthdays and a gender change operation card that says
a gender change operation card that says get well and then on the inside it says
get well and then on the inside it says hung cute I signed those already here
hung cute I signed those already here whoa nice try but I already signed it
whoa nice try but I already signed it you know the rules you have to find the
you know the rules you have to find the next person on the routing slip all
next person on the routing slip all right all
right all right oh let the hunt
right oh let the hunt begin I hate
holidays hey dick old buddy it's your turn to find this Secretary's Day
turn to find this Secretary's Day [Music]
card there you are Delbert the meeting's just
starting can we go now now now loud Howard I know we're all anxious to start
Howard I know we're all anxious to start the long weekend and get on with our
the long weekend and get on with our vacation plans what long weekend there
vacation plans what long weekend there isn't a holiday for 2 weeks I think
isn't a holiday for 2 weeks I think that's what makes it long shut up
that's what makes it long shut up Dilbert you're keeping me off the slopes
Dilbert you're keeping me off the slopes be sure to ski near the trees it's more
be sure to ski near the trees it's more fun that way can we go now no Howard we
fun that way can we go now no Howard we have to start the meeting hey a sports
have to start the meeting hey a sports bra can I have that so you're letting
bra can I have that so you're letting them play sports
them play sports now that's the same sound made by the
now that's the same sound made by the [ __ ] before it swallows its prey the
rhinoceros sometimes it takes months for a mongoose to digest one of those
a mongoose to digest one of those beautiful creatures it's quite a sight
beautiful creatures it's quite a sight you know that's the best time to bagar
you know that's the best time to bagar Rhino they can't see you coming once
Rhino they can't see you coming once they're inside the Mongoose a mongoose
they're inside the Mongoose a mongoose is the size of a cat and they hibernate
is the size of a cat and they hibernate did you know that can we go now no not
did you know that can we go now no not quite yet though for the life of me I'm
quite yet though for the life of me I'm not sure why does anyone know why I
not sure why does anyone know why I called this meeting anybody I'm asking
called this meeting anybody I'm asking for
volunteers I have something to say we have too many holidays we have
say we have too many holidays we have more holidays than days and if we're not
more holidays than days and if we're not celebrating a holiday we're either
celebrating a holiday we're either planning for the next one or we're
planning for the next one or we're recovering from the last one we spend
recovering from the last one we spend all our time giving cards to people we
all our time giving cards to people we don't know decorating cakes for people
don't know decorating cakes for people we don't care about or buying presents
we don't care about or buying presents for people we don't even like enough to
for people we don't even like enough to have his friends outside of work that
have his friends outside of work that reminds me thanks for the cufflinks oh
reminds me thanks for the cufflinks oh you're welcome it seems that someone
you're welcome it seems that someone invents a new holiday every day holidays
invents a new holiday every day holidays that don't make sense for reasons that
that don't make sense for reasons that we don't understand it's made all
we don't understand it's made all holidays meaningless I've always loved
holidays meaningless I've always loved Groundhog Day those little guys are so
Groundhog Day those little guys are so cute before you shoot them is there some
cute before you shoot them is there some point here yes the reason we can't get
point here yes the reason we can't get any work done around here is because we
any work done around here is because we don't have any non-holiday days so you
don't have any non-holiday days so you think we should work nights instead can
think we should work nights instead can we go now I am totally preoccupied with
we go now I am totally preoccupied with my upcoming vacation no point in
my upcoming vacation no point in fighting it meeting
[Music] just boys you ought to get out there
just boys you ought to get out there live a little if you need me I'm
live a little if you need me I'm reachable in Africa just call Africa and
reachable in Africa just call Africa and ask for me I told them to expect your
ask for me I told them to expect your [Applause]
[Applause] call how come you didn't leave with the
call how come you didn't leave with the rest of them as Shook on my salary I can
rest of them as Shook on my salary I can only afford to take vacations within the
only afford to take vacations within the building
building itself this year I have saved up enough
itself this year I have saved up enough money to spend 5 days in the handicapped
money to spend 5 days in the handicapped toilet of the fifth floor gentleman's
toilet of the fifth floor gentleman's bathroom it is part of a restroom hostel
bathroom it is part of a restroom hostel program so I guess it's just you and me
program so I guess it's just you and me at work tomorrow no just you my vacation
at work tomorrow no just you my vacation commences in 10 minutes but feel free to
commences in 10 minutes but feel free to visit me there is always room for guests
visit me there is always room for guests should I bring anything potato salad
should I bring anything potato salad would be
would be nice they move the holiday to a Monday
nice they move the holiday to a Monday so it's a 3-day holiday then they want
so it's a 3-day holiday then they want to leave on Friday to take full
to leave on Friday to take full advantage of it but everyone's leaving
advantage of it but everyone's leaving on Friday and everyone wants to beat the
on Friday and everyone wants to beat the traffic so they leave on Thursday and if
traffic so they leave on Thursday and if you're leaving on Thursday why not
you're leaving on Thursday why not Wednesday night and you can't come back
Wednesday night and you can't come back on Monday that's still a holiday and you
on Monday that's still a holiday and you can't come back on Tuesday cuz everybody
can't come back on Tuesday cuz everybody comes back on Tuesday so you outsmart
comes back on Tuesday so you outsmart everybody and you come back on Wednesday
everybody and you come back on Wednesday so now you're leaving on Wednesday and
so now you're leaving on Wednesday and coming back on Wednesday and suddenly a
coming back on Wednesday and suddenly a one-day holiday is now a
one-day holiday is now a [Music]
[Music] week well I guess I'll call it a
week well I guess I'll call it a day this Secretary's Day show your
day this Secretary's Day show your assistant how valuable he is by ordering
assistant how valuable he is by ordering him to buy flowers for himself at
him to buy flowers for himself at honeybee Florest and don't forget
honeybee Florest and don't forget tomorrow the entire city will be closed
tomorrow the entire city will be closed down for the prism awareness
down for the prism awareness parade I'm being holidayed to death I
parade I'm being holidayed to death I can't work I can't listen to music I
can't work I can't listen to music I can't use the highway a regularly
can't use the highway a regularly scheduled program Dr Lorna calls you a
scheduled program Dr Lorna calls you a [ __ ] won't be aired today because Dr
[ __ ] won't be aired today because Dr Lorna went on holiday without telling
Lorna went on holiday without telling anyone in her place we bring you the
anyone in her place we bring you the Senate subcommittee hearings on oh
Senate subcommittee hearings on oh something I uh yield my time to the uh
something I uh yield my time to the uh distinguished senator from one of those
distinguished senator from one of those states that uh don't deserve roads in
states that uh don't deserve roads in schools now M Dev what I he here y'all
schools now M Dev what I he here y'all a
a b now that's okay I don't know if the
b now that's okay I don't know if the rest of you heard it but I think he just
rest of you heard it but I think he just confessed to being a
confessed to being a communist I'm not
communist I'm not aun I yield the Senator's time to myself
aun I yield the Senator's time to myself you can't do that it's against the rules
you can't do that it's against the rules all in favor of changing the rules and
all in favor of changing the rules and just maybe getting a huge soft money
just maybe getting a huge soft money campaign contribution in return say
I that's better now I'd like you all to sign a bill
now I'd like you all to sign a bill making dog bird Day a national holiday
making dog bird Day a national holiday and canceling all other holidays I
and canceling all other holidays I thought you said you were a lobbyist for
thought you said you were a lobbyist for the association of beer drinking
the association of beer drinking Dynamite users now that I support I
Dynamite users now that I support I don't know about this holiday thing it's
don't know about this holiday thing it's a package deal I added the dog birthday
a package deal I added the dog birthday Bill as a riter to the beer drinking and
Bill as a riter to the beer drinking and dynamite Freedom Bill does anyone have a
dynamite Freedom Bill does anyone have a match here you go son if this sort of
match here you go son if this sort of thing ever gets outlawed it'll be a
thing ever gets outlawed it'll be a slippery slope thanks I make a motion
slippery slope thanks I make a motion that we vote on the national dog
that we vote on the national dog birthday
[Music] Bill I fail to see how eliminating all
Bill I fail to see how eliminating all the other holidays is good for Rhode
the other holidays is good for Rhode Island I for one would miss all the
Island I for one would miss all the fireworks and the Easter bunnies and the
fireworks and the Easter bunnies and the New Year's Eve parties where I get drunk
New Year's Eve parties where I get drunk and depressed and do things I don't
and depressed and do things I don't remember but always regret app propose
remember but always regret app propose an amendment that would add all of the
an amendment that would add all of the holiday traditions to dog bir day dog
holiday traditions to dog bir day dog birt day would have cheap tacky gifts
birt day would have cheap tacky gifts dangerous fireworks visits from
dangerous fireworks visits from unpleasant relatives corny parades bad
unpleasant relatives corny parades bad barbecues you name it that sounds like
barbecues you name it that sounds like it would be complicated and Incredibly
it would be complicated and Incredibly frustrating for everyone I'm all for it
frustrating for everyone I'm all for it you have my full support down with big
you have my full support down with big government all in favor say
I now next on 4040 we talked to dogbert Who convinced
4040 we talked to dogbert Who convinced Congress to cancel all holidays in favor
Congress to cancel all holidays in favor of one holiday dogbert day well also
of one holiday dogbert day well also hear from his critics dogbert in your
hear from his critics dogbert in your own words what motivated you to create
own words what motivated you to create dog birthday I think it stems from my
dog birthday I think it stems from my religious belief that everyone exists
religious belief that everyone exists for the sole Purp purp of entertaining
for the sole Purp purp of entertaining me dog B you little devil I hope you rot
me dog B you little devil I hope you rot in hell you put us all out of business
in hell you put us all out of business there's a perfect example there ain't no
there's a perfect example there ain't no pot of go at the end of your Rainbow
pot of go at the end of your Rainbow there's a pot of crap you've ruined me
there's a pot of crap you've ruined me I've got a whole Workshop full of
I've got a whole Workshop full of starving reindeer and I don't know where
starving reindeer and I don't know where half of my elves have
half of my elves have gone
gone no where am I going to get work now I'm
no where am I going to get work now I'm a specialist
no gross up yours Cupid get that back lay off cotton
back lay off cotton [Music]
[Music] ass who I haven't got a pot
to it's always a bit tense around the dog birthday holiday
dog birthday holiday [Music]
[Music] dogbert day's always been my favorite
dogbert day's always been my favorite holiday well the Virgin sacrific the
holiday well the Virgin sacrific the senseless Slaughter of endangered
senseless Slaughter of endangered species oh I remember you know when I
species oh I remember you know when I was a child the first time my dad gave
was a child the first time my dad gave me the jewel encrusted dagger to plunge
me the jewel encrusted dagger to plunge into the heart of the young virgin her
into the heart of the young virgin her name was June I think at one time we had
name was June I think at one time we had talked of marriage but when she was dead
talked of marriage but when she was dead we rarely spoke of it anymore it's funny
we rarely spoke of it anymore it's funny how life works out uh just a minor point
how life works out uh just a minor point of clarification dog bird day is a brand
of clarification dog bird day is a brand new holiday it's never been celebrated
new holiday it's never been celebrated before well Christmas had its Scrooge
before well Christmas had its Scrooge and now dog birth day has its Dilbert
and now dog birth day has its Dilbert got to go got to do my dog birthday
got to go got to do my dog birthday shopping oh you'll never guess what I
shopping oh you'll never guess what I got you never go ahead guess I don't
got you never go ahead guess I don't know I'll give you a hint it's made of
know I'll give you a hint it's made of paper and it tells a story I don't know
paper and it tells a story I don't know a book well I hope hope you're happy
a book well I hope hope you're happy you've ruined your own
you've ruined your own [Music]
[Music] surprise and what would you like for dog
surprise and what would you like for dog birt day little lady you're not dog birt
birt day little lady you're not dog birt no but I'm one of his many bitter and
no but I'm one of his many bitter and underpaid helpers what you tell me what
underpaid helpers what you tell me what you want and I'll make sure you get it
you want and I'll make sure you get it just give me your address and leave the
just give me your address and leave the door to your house unlocked tonight help
door to your house unlocked tonight help no
hey no cutting in line I'm not cutting in line I was here you were supposed to
in line I was here you were supposed to save my place I don't know you oh thanks
save my place I don't know you oh thanks do you mind if I stand behind you sure
do you mind if I stand behind you sure hey no cutting in line it's okay he said
hey no cutting in line it's okay he said I could stand behind him he can't give
I could stand behind him he can't give permission to stand behind him in fact
permission to stand behind him in fact the case law is very ambiguous about
the case law is very ambiguous about people you let in front of you well calm
people you let in front of you well calm down fella where is your dog bird Spirit
down fella where is your dog bird Spirit good question maybe I'll call the
good question maybe I'll call the manager what manager there's no manager
manager what manager there's no manager people always think there's a manager
people always think there's a manager some magic manager who's going to put
some magic manager who's going to put things right well there's
Noto hey what no cutting in line I was here how could you be here I was here I
here how could you be here I was here I don't think so was he here I don't know
don't think so was he here I don't know well it looks like it's your word
well it looks like it's your word against his I am not not letting this
against his I am not not letting this happen H you lost your place I didn't I
happen H you lost your place I didn't I back of the line buddy hey don't forget
back of the line buddy hey don't forget your gift
[Music] I'm blind I can't see a
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Applause] are you getting
out you know I think this is the best dog bird Day Parade we've ever covered
dog bird Day Parade we've ever covered hey just a little trivia did you know
hey just a little trivia did you know that those huge balloons are filled with
that those huge balloons are filled with balls of wood well I thought it was
balls of wood well I thought it was helium well aren't you a piece of
helium well aren't you a piece of [Laughter]
[Laughter] wood Alice can you pick up the pace I
wood Alice can you pick up the pace I want people to see what I look like with
want people to see what I look like with my ears blown
my ears blown [Music]
[Music] back that is excellent potato salad I
back that is excellent potato salad I have never had better it's the dill
have never had better it's the dill pickles do not leave here without giving
pickles do not leave here without giving me that recipe es shook can I ask you a
me that recipe es shook can I ask you a question ask away I am on vacation and
question ask away I am on vacation and have all the time in the world what I'm
have all the time in the world what I'm wondering is how can you be so happy why
wondering is how can you be so happy why wouldn't I be happy well you're an
wouldn't I be happy well you're an intern who earns so little you have to
intern who earns so little you have to take your vacation in the restaur room
take your vacation in the restaur room that is true and no one gives you any
that is true and no one gives you any respect whatsoever wh you got me again
respect whatsoever wh you got me again and your family is in India you have to
and your family is in India you have to spend the dog bird Day holiday without
spend the dog bird Day holiday without them not that they're missing much it's
them not that they're missing much it's the most meaningless holiday ever
the most meaningless holiday ever invented what time is it my friend it's
invented what time is it my friend it's 4:45 that means it's almost 7:00 a.m. at
4:45 that means it's almost 7:00 a.m. at my parents home in India they will be
my parents home in India they will be Awakening soon in a few minutes as they
Awakening soon in a few minutes as they have every day since I was born they
have every day since I was born they will wake up and think of me I will be
will wake up and think of me I will be in their thoughts all day the do you
in their thoughts all day the do you think of them all day too no I am often
think of them all day too no I am often caught up in the hustle and bustle of
caught up in the hustle and bustle of cubicle life sometimes I need a reminder
cubicle life sometimes I need a reminder sometimes I need a dog
sometimes I need a dog [Music]
birthday we're stuck now nothing to do but
but wait ramming speed
wait ramming speed [Applause]
well it's not my fault I'm just a [Music]
[Music] drummer it appears that dog bird's float
drummer it appears that dog bird's float is attacking the smaller crippled float
is attacking the smaller crippled float and dog bird has never looked finer his
and dog bird has never looked finer his cape and Crown were designed by elephant
cape and Crown were designed by elephant ooh I didn't think you'd have time to
ooh I didn't think you'd have time to stop by today I wouldn't forget my own
stop by today I wouldn't forget my own mother on dog birthday the dogbert float
mother on dog birthday the dogbert float has now crushed float from the PTA the Z
has now crushed float from the PTA the Z deie French Club and the senior citizen
deie French Club and the senior citizen Republican party but I think we'd all
Republican party but I think we'd all agree that dogbert does look better with
agree that dogbert does look better with his ears blown back by the wind like
his ears blown back by the wind like that you know I hate all the stuff
that you know I hate all the stuff leading up to the holidays but I do like
leading up to the holidays but I do like the holidays themselves it gets a little
the holidays themselves it gets a little hectic in a little commercial on the
hectic in a little commercial on the surface and underneath that it's all
surface and underneath that it's all Hollow and meaningless too but
Hollow and meaningless too but underneath that yes underneath all the
underneath that yes underneath all the layers of holess and crassness and
layers of holess and crassness and vulgarity and commercialism underneath
vulgarity and commercialism underneath all that there is a warmth and a spirit
all that there is a warmth and a spirit to the holiday season you're
to the holiday season you're [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] it's so
it's so cold you know this is the best dog bird
cold you know this is the best dog bird day
day [Music]
ever they say the trick is to marinate it overnight that's what gives it the
flavor did you marinate this no I just slapped it with a spatula till it stop
slapped it with a spatula till it stop trying to get away that's my own little
trying to get away that's my own little trick you won't see that in any fancy
trick you won't see that in any fancy cookbook at least I think you won't I
cookbook at least I think you won't I haven't actually checked
haven't actually checked [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
push the button and see how a giant meteor caused the extinction of the
meteor caused the extinction of the dinosaurs
H until this moment I had trouble visualizing
it if aliens help build the pyramids where are they now did they just
leave H you know what they say history is written by the
winners let me out of this damn thing please someone push the button to
please someone push the button to simulate the storm that brought Amelia
simulate the storm that brought Amelia aart plane
down no not again oh God make it stop it looks very realistic you don't think
looks very realistic you don't think that's the real Amelia aart do you yes I
that's the real Amelia aart do you yes I think the museum found her on an island
think the museum found her on an island and put her in this exhibit same thing
and put her in this exhibit same thing happened to King Kong it's not that
happened to King Kong it's not that unusual come on all
right stop above you are the billions of stars that make up our universe or so we
stars that make up our universe or so we used to think we now know those lights
used to think we now know those lights are an armada of alien ships coming to
are an armada of alien ships coming to destroy the Earth are there any
destroy the Earth are there any questions yeah what's a black hole well
questions yeah what's a black hole well my career would be one example any other
my career would be one example any other questions better not ask him anything
questions better not ask him anything about Uranus I think I've seen enough
about Uranus I think I've seen enough there's only so much learning you can
there's only so much learning you can pack into one day
un bounded little dog somebody help me for Mercy's sake
for Mercy's sake [Laughter]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
he [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] can I ask you a question that's why I'm
can I ask you a question that's why I'm here why don't I ever see any other
here why don't I ever see any other garbage men in this city it's always you
garbage men in this city it's always you I like to work alone that's impossible
I like to work alone that's impossible one garbage man cannot handle the whole
one garbage man cannot handle the whole city I have shortcuts shortcuts what
city I have shortcuts shortcuts what possible shortcuts would let one person
possible shortcuts would let one person handle the
whole well maybe we'll pick this conversation up
conversation up [Music]
[Music] later so tell me more about the many
later so tell me more about the many many ways in which the Stunt Master
many ways in which the Stunt Master 6 can give me the workout of a lifetime
keep rolling keep rolling
rolling uh-huh four easy payments of money will
uh-huh four easy payments of money will order yours today I'm losing
order yours today I'm losing Consciousness and yet I'm still
[Music] aroused input people input but remember
aroused input people input but remember it's already in the can and we can't
it's already in the can and we can't change it if I may use a sports analogy
change it if I may use a sports analogy you really hit the goal poost on that
you really hit the goal poost on that one yes I guess I did I watched it only
one yes I guess I did I watched it only once and already I want to date that
once and already I want to date that model and suffer a head trauma why thank
model and suffer a head trauma why thank you loud Howard you humble me I've said
you loud Howard you humble me I've said it before and I'll say it
it before and I'll say it again what that's as far as I ever get
again what that's as far as I ever get Dilbert you seem strangely silent shall
Dilbert you seem strangely silent shall I interpret that as a sign of deep
I interpret that as a sign of deep respect and dare I say or yes you could
respect and dare I say or yes you could interpret it that way I'm blushing now
interpret it that way I'm blushing now but I can't help wondering aren't we
but I can't help wondering aren't we getting ahead of ourselves with the
getting ahead of ourselves with the infomercial we haven't even tested the
infomercial we haven't even tested the new version of the grunt Master 6000
new version of the grunt Master 6000 we're doing that now we're sending it to
we're doing that now we're sending it to a typical family for Consumer field
a typical family for Consumer field testing that's impossible there's only
testing that's impossible there's only one version of the new grunt master in
one version of the new grunt master in existence and it's sitting in my Design
Lab that thing's not ready for human testing we haven't even lab tested the
testing we haven't even lab tested the technology oh calm down we'll do that
technology oh calm down we'll do that after the graviton generator alone is
after the graviton generator alone is very sensitive the graviton generator
very sensitive the graviton generator alone is very sensitive quit your
alone is very sensitive quit your whining
whining Missy I mean what's the worst thing that
Missy I mean what's the worst thing that could happen if anyone were foolish
could happen if anyone were foolish enough to build a graviton generator it
enough to build a graviton generator it would surely create a black hole that
would surely create a black hole that would annihilate the entire solar system
would annihilate the entire solar system well I don't know what's the worst thing
well I don't know what's the worst thing that could happen but when you start
that could happen but when you start distorting the fabric of space and time
distorting the fabric of space and time stretching and enfolding upon itself
nice try but I don't think you Bor him quite to death excellent nice going was
quite to death excellent nice going was good camp Town lady sing this song doah
good camp Town lady sing this song doah doah what are you waiting for lady start
doah what are you waiting for lady start singing Carol said since he hit his head
singing Carol said since he hit his head he's been talking in his sleep come on
he's been talking in his sleep come on let's get out of here before he wakes up
let's get out of here before he wakes up wait let's just hear what he says
wait let's just hear what he says next
next boom cooked by explosion when you walk
boom cooked by explosion when you walk through a storm hold your head up high
through a storm hold your head up high then you'll trip and fall on your ass in
then you'll trip and fall on your ass in the
the mud is that
mud is that smoke Wally what are you doing well I
smoke Wally what are you doing well I wanted to make some popcorn but somebody
wanted to make some popcorn but somebody was using the microwave and the printer
was using the microwave and the printer has that heater thing and it that makes
has that heater thing and it that makes the paper
warm cooked by explosion didn't the boss say that yeah but he was just babbling
say that yeah but he was just babbling or was he what are you saying that he
or was he what are you saying that he predicted did this would happen I don't
predicted did this would happen I don't know am I predicting the future is
know am I predicting the future is impossible is it yes it violates
impossible is it yes it violates causality there is no way to know
causality there is no way to know something will occur until it occurs or
something will occur until it occurs or is there if you don't stop asking
is there if you don't stop asking rhetorical questions I'm going to kill
rhetorical questions I'm going to kill you are
you are you on the other hand it'd be a pretty
you on the other hand it'd be a pretty big coincidence if the boss just
big coincidence if the boss just happened to mention an explosion right
happened to mention an explosion right before it
before it happened Alice I think he's
dead oh man I was in the tunnel I neglected to mention the one glitch with
neglected to mention the one glitch with the
the infomercial we have to do it all over I
infomercial we have to do it all over I had to fire the babe why depends whose
had to fire the babe why depends whose story you believe mine or the truth I
story you believe mine or the truth I feel like I've seen this popcorn before
feel like I've seen this popcorn before this might be a case of deja
food I can't believe it I can't believe they sent the grunt Master out to some
they sent the grunt Master out to some defenseless family for testing do you
defenseless family for testing do you realize the potential for disaster do
realize the potential for disaster do you
you realiz the mute button only works on the
realiz the mute button only works on the TV it was worth a shot we didn't even
TV it was worth a shot we didn't even have the instruction manual written yet
have the instruction manual written yet that graviton generator is a bit
that graviton generator is a bit unpredictable I only hope and pray they
unpredictable I only hope and pray they found a smart family to test that thing
found a smart family to test that thing otherwise we may be in grave
otherwise we may be in grave [Music]
[Music] trouble eat your pop aome Dorian or you
trouble eat your pop aome Dorian or you ain't getting another one that ain't no
ain't getting another one that ain't no Pome paw that's a raccoon it just looks
Pome paw that's a raccoon it just looks like a raccoon because of the tire
like a raccoon because of the tire marks I believe there's been some
marks I believe there's been some mistake I forgive you all and now I must
mistake I forgive you all and now I must bid you all
bid you all Ado you better hurry up and run them
Ado you better hurry up and run them over again are you sassing me young I
over again are you sassing me young I got half of mine you say you got half of
got half of mine you say you got half of mine you mind your manners Lucas or the
mine you mind your manners Lucas or the baby Jesus will come down here right now
baby Jesus will come down here right now and beat the living out of y'all well I
and beat the living out of y'all well I T afraid of no baby Jesus bring him on
T afraid of no baby Jesus bring him on I'll bring them on you little whipper
I'll bring them on you little whipper snapper hell do you wher he won't
snapper hell do you wher he won't neither
[Applause] [Music]
morons I told you this was stop and this was keep going
pardon me boy is that the Chattanooga Cho Choo I apologize pardon me sir Track
Cho Choo I apologize pardon me sir Track 29 thank you very much Dilbert this is
29 thank you very much Dilbert this is stupid he's been talking nonsense for
stupid he's been talking nonsense for years and no one thought he was psychic
years and no one thought he was psychic before the only difference now is he has
before the only difference now is he has his eyes closed squidders patch teos the
his eyes closed squidders patch teos the darkness engulfs us the hole the hole in
darkness engulfs us the hole the hole in space in time the void the abys from
space in time the void the abys from which no light escapes from which No
which no light escapes from which No Life
Life Escapes a little brown Jugo you're for
Escapes a little brown Jugo you're for me fiddle d dumb and Fiddle d d little
me fiddle d dumb and Fiddle d d little bound Jugo you're for me as long as it's
bound Jugo you're for me as long as it's filled with plenty of
filled with plenty of booze let's see what the skeptic Society
booze let's see what the skeptic Society has to say about
[Music] this I assume this is Alice the woman I
this I assume this is Alice the woman I met at the skeptic Society dinner how
met at the skeptic Society dinner how did you you do that that's
did you you do that that's incredible a magician never gives away
incredible a magician never gives away his secret well the reason I called is
his secret well the reason I called is because you want me to debunk your
because you want me to debunk your boss's alleged psychic claims wow at
boss's alleged psychic claims wow at least tell me how you did that one wish
least tell me how you did that one wish I could all right so when can you get
I could all right so when can you get [Music]
[Music] here are you telling me that was a trick
here are you telling me that was a trick too yes Alice a good magician can
too yes Alice a good magician can duplicate any trick done by a so-called
duplicate any trick done by a so-called psychic or Mentalist for example watch
this down [Music]
[Music] Downs Lucas if you break it the baby
Downs Lucas if you break it the baby Jesus will take you to hell and burn you
Jesus will take you to hell and burn you like a pork chop for
eternity what the I ain't never see Loy that don't look
right you've just been listening to a song I was on the phone so I have no
song I was on the phone so I have no idea what it was now the news we take
idea what it was now the news we take you to our sister station K that's all
you to our sister station K that's all we could think of squidders patch
Texas oh my God my worst fear has come true you mean a pregnant spider crawled
true you mean a pregnant spider crawled up your nose while you were sleeping and
up your nose while you were sleeping and laid eggs in your head okay my second
laid eggs in your head okay my second worst fear that you'll destroy the world
worst fear that you'll destroy the world with one of your inventions yes dogbert
with one of your inventions yes dogbert we've got to go to squiders patch
we've got to go to squiders patch [Music]
immediately I Dream of Genie with the light yellow
Dream of Genie with the light yellow hair floating
hair floating like a vapor in the soft summer
like a vapor in the soft summer air whoa that's no
air whoa that's no Vapor wall don't tell me You' bought
Vapor wall don't tell me You' bought into this scam it's my Ultimate Fantasy
into this scam it's my Ultimate Fantasy everyone is bald and poorly dressed and
everyone is bald and poorly dressed and if you hadn't noticed no one is doing
if you hadn't noticed no one is doing anything that looks like work it's
anything that looks like work it's Utopia not for long I brought a world
Utopia not for long I brought a world famous skeptic to debunk that fraud
famous skeptic to debunk that fraud Wall-E Meet the Amazing Rudolph please
Wall-E Meet the Amazing Rudolph please call me
call me the I don't do that forget the chit
the I don't do that forget the chit check get to work
check get to work people I am the amazing Rudolph and I
people I am the amazing Rudolph and I will show you how easily a skilled
will show you how easily a skilled magician can reproduce any of these
magician can reproduce any of these so-called psychic
tricks whoops he's a witch no just a skilled Illusionist that is my point if
skilled Illusionist that is my point if you're just an Illusionist tell us how
you're just an Illusionist tell us how you made the bird appear a magician
you made the bird appear a magician never Reveals His tricks I'm bound by
never Reveals His tricks I'm bound by The Magician's Code of Ethics well
The Magician's Code of Ethics well that's awfully convenient isn't it that
that's awfully convenient isn't it that sounds like something a witch would say
sounds like something a witch would say kill the
kill the witch she was the daughter of Rosie
witch she was the daughter of Rosie Grady a regular old fashion girl with
Grady a regular old fashion girl with one important distinction listen he
one important distinction listen he wants us to go to Texas and throw the
wants us to go to Texas and throw the witch in the black
witch in the black hole he didn't say that I know but I've
hole he didn't say that I know but I've always wanted to go to
Texas people I can't give away my Trade Secrets but perhaps I can give you a
hint all right I'll tell you I'll tell you everything nah forget it now we'd
you everything nah forget it now we'd rather throw you in the hole come on I
rather throw you in the hole come on I ain't got all day
ain't got all day [Music]
that's a good sign I heard you can tell a place is okay if the truckers eat
there I guess excuse me just ain't going to cut it
no so what can I get you fellas to swallow could we see a menu this ain't
swallow could we see a menu this ain't Paris boy okay give us two of whatever
Paris boy okay give us two of whatever you've touched the least two soaps make
you've touched the least two soaps make that
that one hey what's happening to my cup hey
one hey what's happening to my cup hey what
the hey Eustace what's making everything all stretchy I ain't paying for this
all stretchy I ain't paying for this here
here gas I'd say squidders patch is that
[Music] way I'll meet you at the black hole I
way I'll meet you at the black hole I think we need some
help professor St Hawking please sign here if you
would thank you send up Professor Hawking straight away here he
Hawking straight away here he comes here you are one Nobel prize
comes here you are one Nobel prize winning lucasi and professor of
winning lucasi and professor of mathematics expert on all astrophysical
mathematics expert on all astrophysical phenomena and black hoes in particular
phenomena and black hoes in particular hello dog bird hey Steve will there be
hello dog bird hey Steve will there be anything else how do I move him around
anything else how do I move him around oh terribly sorry just use this
oh terribly sorry just use this [Music]
I'll answer any engineering or scientific questions about the black
scientific questions about the black hole phenomenon has anyone famous ever
hole phenomenon has anyone famous ever had sexual relations near a black hole
had sexual relations near a black hole not that I know of then you don't deny
not that I know of then you don't deny that someone famous has had sexual
that someone famous has had sexual relations near a black
relations near a black hole does anyone have a question about
hole does anyone have a question about the
the science there's nothing here
science there's nothing here [Music]
wow you're Steven Hawking I read your book did you buy it or read it in the
book did you buy it or read it in the library I think I borrowed it you gep
library I think I borrowed it you gep bastard boys please can we focus on this
bastard boys please can we focus on this black hole problem there is no rush as
black hole problem there is no rush as long as nothing disturbs The Singularity
long as nothing disturbs The Singularity the hole will grow
the hole will grow very
very [Music]
slowly where's rude come on Wall-E dance with us I don't hold hands I'm only in
with us I don't hold hands I'm only in it for fashion reasons come on
alive check that Wally
that Wally Wally is gone don't thank me thank the
Wally is gone don't thank me thank the black
black hole someone must go into the
hole someone must go into the singularity and stop whatever caused the
singularity and stop whatever caused the black hole in the first place it's a
black hole in the first place it's a simple case of Wormhole travel using a
simple case of Wormhole travel using a shortcut in
shortcut in SpaceTime well you listen you pick up a
SpaceTime well you listen you pick up a few things but he was my friend it's all
few things but he was my friend it's all my fault I caused this to happen I'm
my fault I caused this to happen I'm going in after him
me just let me get my breath this is a big step lots of unknowns Peril beyond
big step lots of unknowns Peril beyond belief one small step
for jilbert you seem strangely silent shall
jilbert you seem strangely silent shall I interpret that as a sign of deep
I interpret that as a sign of deep respect and dare I say Awe yes you could
respect and dare I say Awe yes you could interpret it that way I'm blushing now
interpret it that way I'm blushing now but I can't help wondering aren't we
but I can't help wondering aren't we getting ahead of ourselves with the
getting ahead of ourselves with the infomercial we haven't even tested the
infomercial we haven't even tested the new version of the gruntmaster 6000
new version of the gruntmaster 6000 we're doing that now we're sending it to
we're doing that now we're sending it to a typical family for Consumer field
a typical family for Consumer field testing that's impossible there's only
testing that's impossible there's only one it's in my would you excuse me
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] yes the doors locked oh well in that
case CH Shine On Harvest Moon up in the sky
CH Shine On Harvest Moon up in the sky a had no loving since see January 30th
a had no loving since see January 30th 1955
1955 [Music]
[Music] huh and the farmer's daughter says I see
huh and the farmer's daughter says I see you f by c e hey what's so funny nothing
you f by c e hey what's so funny nothing is it garbage day again it's always
is it garbage day again it's always garbage day
garbage day somewhere Professor Hawking what are you
somewhere Professor Hawking what are you doing here isn't this several thousand
doing here isn't this several thousand miles out of your way actually it's a
miles out of your way actually it's a shortcut a shortcut my street is a
shortcut a shortcut my street is a shortcut to England yes will Somebody
shortcut to England yes will Somebody explain to me what's going on no
explain to me what's going on no no hey I've got a copy of your book in
no hey I've got a copy of your book in my trunk would you mind signing it I
my trunk would you mind signing it I already signed it no you didn't it's
already signed it no you didn't it's locked in my trunk I'll wager $5 I
locked in my trunk I'll wager $5 I already signed
already signed it you're on
it you're on [Music]
the joke's on him he'll never be able to collect the five
you didn't really think you'd win a bet with a Nobel prize winning Lucasian
with a Nobel prize winning Lucasian professor of mathematics at least I
professor of mathematics at least I didn't pay for his stupid book
didn't pay for his stupid book [Music]
get out of bed resistance isal wake up and assimilate the day get out of bed
and assimilate the day get out of bed resistance isal wake up and assimilate
resistance isal wake up and assimilate the day I wonder if I could ever date a
the day I wonder if I could ever date a woman like Jerry Ryan that too is feudal
woman like Jerry Ryan that too is feudal okay that's enough out of you do not
okay that's enough out of you do not touch me then how do I turn you off
touch me then how do I turn you off believe me I am plenty turned off right
believe me I am plenty turned off right now clock
teas dogbert why are you trying to kill the mailman I'm just seeing how much he
the mailman I'm just seeing how much he can carry he's up to seven times his own
can carry he's up to seven times his own weight
neither rain nor sleep nor the hell with that
ow I'd put an end to this cruel game except we're saving a fortune on heating
except we're saving a fortune on heating bills
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] CH yes
CH yes [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Applause] [Music]
and what makes these gift catalogs doesn't anything qualify as a gift if
doesn't anything qualify as a gift if you give it to someone I think they mean
you give it to someone I think they mean it's stuff you wouldn't in a million
it's stuff you wouldn't in a million years buy for yourself if you wouldn't
years buy for yourself if you wouldn't buy it for yourself then who needs
buy it for yourself then who needs someone to buy it for you it's the
someone to buy it for you it's the thought that counts on that same topic
thought that counts on that same topic it's your mother's birthday next week oh
it's your mother's birthday next week oh no not again so soon it seems like only
no not again so soon it seems like only a year ago I was giving her something
a year ago I was giving her something she hates help I can't swim you're not
she hates help I can't swim you're not going to drown you're just covered with
going to drown you're just covered with cataloges B help by can
cataloges B help by can read why don't you get your mom
read why don't you get your mom something from the mall no oh yes I
something from the mall no oh yes I forgot the Unspeakable event from your
forgot the Unspeakable event from your youth don't you think it's time you got
youth don't you think it's time you got over that I'm sure I can find the
over that I'm sure I can find the perfect present for mom without leaving
perfect present for mom without leaving this couch today we'll be featuring our
this couch today we'll be featuring our special line of moon conium gems as
special line of moon conium gems as black and Sy as real moon rocks plus
black and Sy as real moon rocks plus they're guaranteed for three months
they're guaranteed for three months moonium but first the latest in
moonium but first the latest in high-tech surveillance equipment
high-tech surveillance equipment straight from the tattered remains of
straight from the tattered remains of the cash desperate former KGB hand me
the cash desperate former KGB hand me the phone my mother does not want spy
the phone my mother does not want spy gear for her birthday it's not for her
gear for her birthday it's not for her it's to use on her we'll find out
it's to use on her we'll find out exactly what she wants it's wrong but I
exactly what she wants it's wrong but I would like an excuse to buy some spy
would like an excuse to buy some spy equipment this is insane wait Target in
equipment this is insane wait Target in motion she's headed for the
motion she's headed for the [Music]
[Music] den yes officer there's two of them a
den yes officer there's two of them a big one and a small one I don't know
big one and a small one I don't know what they're doing but they've been out
what they're doing but they've been out there for hours I think they might be
there for hours I think they might be aiming some kind of Ray at my
aiming some kind of Ray at my house I suppose they could be terrorists
house I suppose they could be terrorists now that you mention it or maybe our own
now that you mention it or maybe our own people I've written some strong letters
people I've written some strong letters to the FED about monetary policy all
to the FED about monetary policy all right I think we've gathered enough
right I think we've gathered enough intelligence stop and we'll shoot stop
intelligence stop and we'll shoot stop and we'll shoot if you're going to shoot
and we'll shoot if you're going to shoot why should we stop well it would be a
why should we stop well it would be a lot easier for us the targets at the
lot easier for us the targets at the shooting range don't run are you
shooting range don't run are you thinking what I'm thinking that if I get
thinking what I'm thinking that if I get a head start running your body will
a head start running your body will shield me from the spray of
shield me from the spray of bullets hold your fire they're
running a sh could you clean that up I am an engineering intern not a coffee
am an engineering intern not a coffee cleaner uper Alice could you clean up
cleaner uper Alice could you clean up the coffee spill our intern has suddenly
the coffee spill our intern has suddenly discovered dignity sure no problem I
discovered dignity sure no problem I don't mind see she doesn't have
don't mind see she doesn't have a there you
a there you go why don't you just get your mom a
go why don't you just get your mom a gift certificate no I got her cash last
gift certificate no I got her cash last year she said it was insulting but a
year she said it was insulting but a gift certificate is completely different
gift certificate is completely different from cash no it's not they're both
from cash no it's not they're both pieces of paper you can exchange for
pieces of paper you can exchange for goods and services you're missing the
goods and services you're missing the point actually a gift certificate is
point actually a gift certificate is worse than cash because you can only use
worse than cash because you can only use it in one place and it expires at least
it in one place and it expires at least it shows some thought it shows defective
it shows some thought it shows defective thought you're trading perfectly good
thought you're trading perfectly good money for something that does the the
money for something that does the the same thing only not as well oh one other
same thing only not as well oh one other thing Dilbert shut up why do you not go
thing Dilbert shut up why do you not go to the mall of shopping yeah Dilbert why
to the mall of shopping yeah Dilbert why don't you just get her something at the
mall Gilbert you okay I'm totally fine what are you
okay I'm totally fine what are you accusing me of everyone's afraid of
accusing me of everyone's afraid of something I don't want to talk about
something I don't want to talk about it well back to
it well back to work you know if we tried to get to the
work you know if we tried to get to the bottom of this it could kill the whole
bottom of this it could kill the whole morning and yet it would look exactly
morning and yet it would look exactly like work to the Casual Observer I'm
like work to the Casual Observer I'm in come on Delbert it's me your old pal
in come on Delbert it's me your old pal what's the point of an office friendship
what's the point of an office friendship if you don't expose each other's
if you don't expose each other's weaknesses and then ridicule them he's
weaknesses and then ridicule them he's right Dilbert all most of us have to get
right Dilbert all most of us have to get us through the day is knowing that we're
us through the day is knowing that we're slightly better than somebody else fine
slightly better than somebody else fine fine I'll tell you why I'm uncomfortable
fine I'll tell you why I'm uncomfortable going to the
going to the mall it all happened when I was 5 years
mall it all happened when I was 5 years old my father took me to the the all for
old my father took me to the the all for the first
time daddy I think those machines are calling me ooh ooh ooh when we get home
calling me ooh ooh ooh when we get home I'll see if there's some sort of
I'll see if there's some sort of prescription drug to dull your spirit
prescription drug to dull your spirit right now we need to buy your mother a
right now we need to buy your mother a birthday
birthday gift all you can eat all you can eat
gift all you can eat all you can eat we'll see about that
we'll see about that [Music]
daddy what's the matter little boy are you lost where are your parents did they
you lost where are your parents did they leave you all alone no no no no my
leave you all alone no no no no my father's over what does he look like he
father's over what does he look like he he looks big and he's got a a hat and he
he looks big and he's got a a hat and he Daddy Daddy Daddy Daddy
again I will take you to the mall Dilbert I will help you find your father
Dilbert I will help you find your father and I will buy some batteries while I'm
and I will buy some batteries while I'm there Wally this is so unlike you why
there Wally this is so unlike you why are you offering the help help me I'm
are you offering the help help me I'm out of
batteries it just came in the mail it's the greatest breakthrough in
mail it's the greatest breakthrough in market research since the the other one
market research since the the other one I was going to say other one you boys
I was going to say other one you boys from marketing have done it again you
from marketing have done it again you you're like the
you're like the three guys from marketing who bring us
three guys from marketing who bring us things like this does it get
things like this does it get HBO according to the direction you just
HBO according to the direction you just strap it on some sucker's head and it
strap it on some sucker's head and it records his excitement level when
records his excitement level when exposed to various shopping stimuli we
exposed to various shopping stimuli we need to test it out on someone who shops
need to test it out on someone who shops I.E a
oh this is so sexist I am not the only person in this room who shops where do
person in this room who shops where do you get the clothes you're wearing I won
you get the clothes you're wearing I won these clothes in a contest yeah I always
these clothes in a contest yeah I always pick up an extra suitcase at the airport
pick up an extra suitcase at the airport luggage carousel we're wearing his hand
luggage carousel we're wearing his hand me downs sometimes I just find stuff
me downs sometimes I just find stuff after I
thing time to see how my stocks are doing hello and welcome to movie phone
doing hello and welcome to movie phone if you know the name of the movie you'd
if you know the name of the movie you'd like to see press one i
like to see press one i b m you have purchased tickets for
b m you have purchased tickets for gruesome Carnage at the big mall clex if
gruesome Carnage at the big mall clex if this purchase is correct press one i
this purchase is correct press one i b m thank you oh the heck with this this
b m thank you oh the heck with this this thing never works anyway maybe I'll duck
thing never works anyway maybe I'll duck out and catch a
out and catch a flick gruesome Carnage is at the big
flick gruesome Carnage is at the big mall clex I'm
mall clex I'm there I can't believe I finally return
there I can't believe I finally return to the source of all my childhood angst
to the source of all my childhood angst I feel like this is where I'll either
I feel like this is where I'll either conquer my demons or be destroyed by
them you got any gum ah is that so you don't have to confront your fear this my
don't have to confront your fear this my friend is the latest in virtual reality
friend is the latest in virtual reality parking technology if there's a parking
parking technology if there's a parking space in here I'll find it
space in here I'll find it [Music]
what's wrong with following someone with a bunch of packages to their car too
a bunch of packages to their car too risky
risky and there the perfect
and there the perfect spot could somebody hit three
please uh let's see we're here we are aren't we I suppose I could be wrong if
aren't we I suppose I could be wrong if we're not here then where are we and if
we're not here then where are we and if we are here where is here isn't here
we are here where is here isn't here there I would think here is here you
there I would think here is here you would here's there there's
[Music] here this isn't working
here this isn't working I told you we should buy the oxygen not
I told you we should buy the oxygen not just the masks I just can't bring myself
just the masks I just can't bring myself to buy
hey that's the j400 model that's the same one I have that'll cut through a
same one I have that'll cut through a limb like it's a roll of cookie dough
limb like it's a roll of cookie dough once I was giving myself a haircut and a
once I was giving myself a haircut and a darn near severed M you shut
up uh Wall-E I think we're about to be attacked oh don't worry about the
attacked oh don't worry about the natives natives yeah they're the mall
natives natives yeah they're the mall natives they're A Primitive society that
natives they're A Primitive society that live in the mall why do they live in the
live in the mall why do they live in the mall Legend has it they came for the
mall Legend has it they came for the early morning power walks and just
early morning power walks and just stayed huh BS and Nobles palis Big Boy
stayed huh BS and Nobles palis Big Boy nordstr discount Spencer gift he says
nordstr discount Spencer gift he says you look familiar he does who do I look
you look familiar he does who do I look like uh let's see uh natural wonders Gap
like uh let's see uh natural wonders Gap Kids W the book
limited limited two Montgomery War limited two Disney Store wetzels
limited two Disney Store wetzels pretzels they say there's a legend of a
pretzels they say there's a legend of a man who looks a lot like you living at
man who looks a lot like you living at the all not because he can't escape but
the all not because he can't escape but because he likes it here
C do they know where the red oyster is do they know how to get
do they know how to get there Blockbuster Video ATM Restoration
there Blockbuster Video ATM Restoration Hardware LensCrafters Robinson Mayu sp
Hardware LensCrafters Robinson Mayu sp sp they fear the food court great
sp they fear the food court great [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
that's right fear it a $50,000 spending limit in just 7.4%
interest that was a good one I'll bet you can't fling that nun into the
you can't fling that nun into the decorative
decorative Fountain I couldn't do that W it's a
Fountain I couldn't do that W it's a simple matter of aerodynamics you'd
simple matter of aerodynamics you'd never get the distance with the nun but
never get the distance with the nun but you see this next guy with the huge
you see this next guy with the huge pants he'll Glide like a flying
pants he'll Glide like a flying [Music]
[Music] squirrel yo this is totally
squirrel yo this is totally [Music]
spacious do it again do it again all right one
more why are people flying off the escalator and what happened to dog BT
escalator and what happened to dog BT and why do I think those questions are
and why do I think those questions are related we must not concern ourselves
related we must not concern ourselves with questions beyond our realm now we
with questions beyond our realm now we must focus on the task at
directions excuse me this is all we have as far as you're concerned I'm not here
as far as you're concerned I'm not here to shop I need directions to the red
to shop I need directions to the red oyster restaurant go out that way turn
oyster restaurant go out that way turn left yes turn left and don't come back
thanks Alice is excited by the prospect of purchasing those shoes this can't be
of purchasing those shoes this can't be right I'm an engineer I wear shoes to
right I'm an engineer I wear shoes to protect my feet not because they look
[Music] pretty shut up
if we go down this Hall leap off the mezzanine onto the custom t-shirt cart
mezzanine onto the custom t-shirt cart then we can drop a rope swing into
then we can drop a rope swing into Victoria's Secret and set up camp for
Victoria's Secret and set up camp for the
night Daddy
[Music] Daddy Alice Wall-E I shook
what's the matter with him drunk maybe he just seems drunk maybe he's got that
he just seems drunk maybe he's got that disease alcoholism yeah that's
disease alcoholism yeah that's [Music]
eat dad Dilbert is that you yes it's me Dad what are you doing here quite simply
Dad what are you doing here quite simply I'm not done but why continue why not
I'm not done but why continue why not just come home I can't son I know it's
just come home I can't son I know it's hard to understand but it's all you can
hard to understand but it's all you can eat I don't understand why is that so
eat I don't understand why is that so important to you oh in the beginning it
important to you oh in the beginning it was just a challenge man against Buffet
was just a challenge man against Buffet human pitted against an Ever Changing
human pitted against an Ever Changing array of hot and cold dishes but I can't
array of hot and cold dishes but I can't give up now son what would you think of
give up now son what would you think of me then couldn't you call it a draw I
me then couldn't you call it a draw I mean you put up a heck of a fight I
mean you put up a heck of a fight I thought about it but it became more than
thought about it but it became more than a contest of Wills all you can eat isn't
a contest of Wills all you can eat isn't just a pricing plan it's a philosophy a
just a pricing plan it's a philosophy a way of life a commitment and we must
way of life a commitment and we must honor our commitments remember Dilbert
honor our commitments remember Dilbert at the all you can eat buffet the only
at the all you can eat buffet the only obstacle is yourself or an obstructed
obstacle is yourself or an obstructed colon does that mean you won't leave
colon does that mean you won't leave only when I'm finished it's my moral
only when I'm finished it's my moral duty to fill my plate up again and again
duty to fill my plate up again and again and again if you don't fill yourself up
and again if you don't fill yourself up Dilbert then you're empty you see what I
Dilbert then you're empty you see what I mean son I think so son you will never
mean son I think so son you will never find what you seek until you stop
find what you seek until you stop looking for instance for years they
looking for instance for years they stopped serving Jello mold until I
stopped serving Jello mold until I stopped seeking it sure enough there it
stopped seeking it sure enough there it was in three new colors lime raspberry
was in three new colors lime raspberry and mango you follow me Dilbert yes Dad
and mango you follow me Dilbert yes Dad good I must go to the buffet now my son
good I must go to the buffet now my son because you're hungry it's like I'm
because you're hungry it's like I'm talking to the
talking to the broccoli a goodbye Dilbert tell your
broccoli a goodbye Dilbert tell your mother they have
pie goodbye Dad
okay we can go finally where's the parking stub we
go finally where's the parking stub we need to get it validated I gave it to
need to get it validated I gave it to you no you didn't I gave it to you no
you no you didn't I gave it to you no way maybe you gave it to a Shu me I
way maybe you gave it to a Shu me I never touched that ticket well now we're
never touched that ticket well now we're going to have to pay the maximum charge
going to have to pay the maximum charge we it's your car buddy can't we split it
we it's your car buddy can't we split it sure you two can I will take public
sure you two can I will take public transportation I dare you this is
transportation I dare you this is amazing who buys this kind of crap
[Music] hat let's see oh the husband is the
killer um oh the president and the waitress are the same person what
a o this is a good one it turns out the human scientist is actually working for
human scientist is actually working for the aliens you'd never have guessed
the aliens you'd never have guessed it wait Did you know that popcorn is
it wait Did you know that popcorn is mostly air and it's marked up over
mostly air and it's marked up over 5,000% you're paying for overpriced air
5,000% you're paying for overpriced air wake up
wake up people there he is Chase him down
[Music] oh come on one more oh all
oh come on one more oh all [Music]
[Music] right I bet this is how cir tole got
right I bet this is how cir tole got started mhm
thank you dog bird this is very nice there's only one like it you always get
there's only one like it you always get me the nicest things dogbert and ratbert
me the nicest things dogbert and ratbert got me some unidentified thing with
got me some unidentified thing with saliva on it there's lots more where
saliva on it there's lots more where that came from I'm sure there is dear
that came from I'm sure there is dear thank you and last but not least
thank you and last but not least whatever Dilbert got me a gift
whatever Dilbert got me a gift certificate oh and look it's got a
certificate oh and look it's got a little expiration date right there in
little expiration date right there in the corner you hate it don't you oh I
the corner you hate it don't you oh I love it dear you've traded your money
love it dear you've traded your money for something that's just like money but
for something that's just like money but much more restricted I kind of ran out
much more restricted I kind of ran out of time at the mall you went to the mall
of time at the mall you went to the mall for me well yeah you're terrified of the
for me well yeah you're terrified of the mall
mall yeah oh and there's this oh my
hi well at least he looks well fed that he is did he say anything Dilbert did he
he is did he say anything Dilbert did he say anything he
say anything he said there's pie
said there's pie [Music]
that that was even more fascinating than last week could we go someplace else
last week could we go someplace else next time Mom any place please there's
next time Mom any place please there's so much more to see we practically ran
so much more to see we practically ran through the exhibit of giraffe neck
through the exhibit of giraffe neck babies those babies are so fake oh
babies those babies are so fake oh they're real that's not the sort of
they're real that's not the sort of thing they'd lie about that's exactly
thing they'd lie about that's exactly the sort of thing they'd lie about back
the sort of thing they'd lie about back me up on this dog BT oh they're
real how did you get so distrustful well I'm just guessing but
distrustful well I'm just guessing but maybe it was because you lied to me
maybe it was because you lied to me about the Tooth Fairy then you lied to
about the Tooth Fairy then you lied to me about the Easter Bunny then you lied
me about the Easter Bunny then you lied to me about Santa Claus then you lied to
to me about Santa Claus then you lied to me about the storf bringing babies he
me about the storf bringing babies he knows about the stor my fault I let him
knows about the stor my fault I let him watch the nature Channel he put two and
watch the nature Channel he put two and two together now I don't believe
two together now I don't believe anything I'm told unless there's proof
anything I'm told unless there's proof this paper weight is an exact replica of
this paper weight is an exact replica of the largest fibroid tumor ever removed
the largest fibroid tumor ever removed from a human uterus that's ridiculous
from a human uterus that's ridiculous how do they know it's the biggest one
how do they know it's the biggest one there's an annual Festival in
Monteray get the turbo Supreme the commercial says it whitens your teeth
commercial says it whitens your teeth while you drive that's ridiculous but
while you drive that's ridiculous but I'm going to get the turbo Supreme just
I'm going to get the turbo Supreme just to prove you
wrong you have to believe in some things without proof Dilbert otherwise life
without proof Dilbert otherwise life will appear meaningless maybe life is
will appear meaningless maybe life is meaningless did you ever think of that
meaningless did you ever think of that that one is getting lighter
that one is getting lighter already dogberg could you go inside and
already dogberg could you go inside and take care of our
take care of our [Music]
[Music] bill do you ever feel bloated after
bill do you ever feel bloated after eating a big meal yes I do how' you know
eating a big meal yes I do how' you know that I'm a surgeon your problem is
that I'm a surgeon your problem is caused by a huge fibroid tumor in your
caused by a huge fibroid tumor in your uterus I can remove it if you have a
uterus I can remove it if you have a health plan I don't have a health
health plan I don't have a health plan can I pay you with gas ah all right
plan can I pay you with gas ah all right I'll need a plastic fork a jar of salsa
I'll need a plastic fork a jar of salsa and one thing I left in the
car I'll always remember the day that little surgeon saved my life I'm telling
little surgeon saved my life I'm telling you it's dangerous to smoke cigarettes
you it's dangerous to smoke cigarettes while you pump gas my daddy always
while you pump gas my daddy always pumped gas this way and he's still alive
pumped gas this way and he's still alive or at least it looks that way when the
or at least it looks that way when the wind catches his rocking chair just
wind catches his rocking chair just right you can open your eyes now that
right you can open your eyes now that didn't even Hur I'll have to send this
didn't even Hur I'll have to send this to the
to the lab bad news you're out of Turbo Supreme
lab bad news you're out of Turbo Supreme [Music]
[Music] [Laughter]
[Laughter] [Music]
[Music] [Laughter]
[Laughter] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
oh my God Dilbert can you hear me can you do something for him little surgeon
you do something for him little surgeon no I use the last of the plastic forks
no I use the last of the plastic forks when I operated on you whatever happens
when I operated on you whatever happens is on your conscience now wake up
is on your conscience now wake up filbert wake up can you hear me
I must be dead this is the tunnel I keep reading
about behind this door are the answers to the ultimate questions the afterlife
more he's dead Dilbert is dead are you sure here
yes hey I don't know what kind of manners
hey I don't know what kind of manners they have in the afterlife funny boy but
they have in the afterlife funny boy but on Earth you watch your hands am I
alive actually you're down a court you're a miracle worker little surgeon
you're a miracle worker little surgeon you got that right dear now that you're
you got that right dear now that you're alive again I need to ask you one very
alive again I need to ask you one very important question yes Mom are my teeth
important question yes Mom are my teeth any
whiter and then I traveled back down the tunnel and woke up at the gas station
tunnel and woke up at the gas station are you telling me the afterlife is a
are you telling me the afterlife is a stinking cubicle I'm just telling you
stinking cubicle I'm just telling you what I saw how fast was the internet
what I saw how fast was the internet connection I don't know if it had an
connection I don't know if it had an internet connection well this raises
internet connection well this raises many troubling questions about the
many troubling questions about the afterlife first how do you get your
afterlife first how do you get your softare were
softare were upgraded I guess it was just the one
upgraded I guess it was just the one question so technically you were dead I
question so technically you were dead I think so no more employee benefits for
think so no more employee benefits for you my dead friend but I came back to
you my dead friend but I came back to life rules or rules can't change me try
life rules or rules can't change me try to look at the big picture happy
to look at the big picture happy birthday Wall-E blah blah blah everybody
birthday Wall-E blah blah blah everybody eat cake and see if your morale goes up
eat cake and see if your morale goes up yeah I'd love to stay but secretaries
yeah I'd love to stay but secretaries have to watch the phones oh sure I can
have to watch the phones oh sure I can buy the cake and I can buy the gift but
buy the cake and I can buy the gift but the world would end if I let one phone
the world would end if I let one phone call go to voicemail sometimes I call
call go to voicemail sometimes I call her my
boss that usually gets a laugh did anyone bring the birthday kit got
it do we get any cake Howard whose birthday is it yours does anyone care
birthday is it yours does anyone care that I was dead yesterday can you let
that I was dead yesterday can you let someone else be in the spotlight for one
someone else be in the spotlight for one second We Can't Stop a birthday
second We Can't Stop a birthday celebration every time you
celebration every time you die uh unwrap my present I'm a little
die uh unwrap my present I'm a little busy I am
busy I am honored oh it is a round thing you throw
honored oh it is a round thing you throw through the air for no apparent
reason H I'll take the picture so there's no photographic evidence that I
there's no photographic evidence that I ever associated with any of
you w-e
napkin where have I seen this before before we get back to work I want
before before we get back to work I want to remind everyone that all employees
to remind everyone that all employees must be present at the launch site when
must be present at the launch site when our new deep space exploration rocket
our new deep space exploration rocket goes up in about 5 minutes 5 minutes we
goes up in about 5 minutes 5 minutes we can't get there in 5 minutes no
exceptions except you Dilbert I want you to visit our director of Human Resources
to visit our director of Human Resources Mr
catbert let me out please I'll never Rob another convenience store again I'm
another convenience store again I'm Scared
Straight oh God how would you feel about making this
God how would you feel about making this an unmanned probe uh that's what it's
an unmanned probe uh that's what it's supposed to be there's still time to put
supposed to be there's still time to put a monkey in there I hate
a monkey in there I hate monkeys no all we want on board is the
monkeys no all we want on board is the capsule full of Earth artifacts in case
capsule full of Earth artifacts in case the rocket is discovered by an alien
the rocket is discovered by an alien civilization a capsule you say the
civilization a capsule you say the capsule is on board isn't
capsule is on board isn't it would you excuse me for a
it would you excuse me for a moment I need someone to volunteer for a
moment I need someone to volunteer for a suicide mission now you'll need to run
suicide mission now you'll need to run toward the launch site and fling this
toward the launch site and fling this birthday kit through the open window of
birthday kit through the open window of the rocket module then turn and be cons
the rocket module then turn and be cons assumed by the launch Flames while
assumed by the launch Flames while trying to get back oh nature was calling
trying to get back oh nature was calling me did I miss anything
me did I miss anything important 19 18 17 16 50 if I can
important 19 18 17 16 50 if I can succeed in this assignment I will be
succeed in this assignment I will be remembered and rewarded for the rest of
remembered and rewarded for the rest of my
my [Music]
[Music] career 8 7 6 yes 5 4 3 2 1
career 8 7 6 yes 5 4 3 2 1 stupid
stupid bird anyone know what kind that
is and remember any friend who won't join your downline Salesforce is no
join your downline Salesforce is no friend of
yours gullible sheep I could tell them anything right now if you believe you
anything right now if you believe you can get rich with multi-level marketing
can get rich with multi-level marketing slap yourself in the face real
slap yourself in the face real hard every time I still can't believe
it so you admit you were dead yes but very briefly that's no reason to cancel
very briefly that's no reason to cancel my employee benefits well at the risk of
my employee benefits well at the risk of sounding sadistic and uncaring our
sounding sadistic and uncaring our policy is to discontinue benefits at
policy is to discontinue benefits at death that only applies to people who
death that only applies to people who stay dead I was only dead for a minute
stay dead I was only dead for a minute if I granted this exception everyone
if I granted this exception everyone would claim they were coming back to
would claim they were coming back to life later oh do whatever you want it
life later oh do whatever you want it doesn't make a difference we all just
doesn't make a difference we all just die and end up in a cubicle anyway pray
die and end up in a cubicle anyway pray tell what did you have in mind Angels
tell what did you have in mind Angels playing harps on a cloud
playing harps on a cloud well no well tell me Dilbert I'm curious
well no well tell me Dilbert I'm curious what is your vision of the afterlife
what is your vision of the afterlife well
well actually uh well oh I'm sorry your time
actually uh well oh I'm sorry your time is up literally we have some nice
is up literally we have some nice parting gifts for you Dilbert tell him
parting gifts for you Dilbert tell him what we have for him
what we have for him nothing hey
what oh do you think this was all part of the present presentation he was
of the present presentation he was supposed to give us the new vision
supposed to give us the new vision statement maybe it's inside we're
statement maybe it's inside we're supposed to interpret
it it looks like some sort of holy man look at the
look at the Halo it says to Wall-E on
Halo it says to Wall-E on it this must be a picture of the
it this must be a picture of the Wall-E and that must be his holy plastic
Wall-E and that must be his holy plastic Grail
[Music] it's the shroud of
[Music] Wall-E as you know yesterday's rocket
Wall-E as you know yesterday's rocket launch was a complete success uh could
launch was a complete success uh could you use the laser pointer I'm not
you use the laser pointer I'm not following
you we're pretty sure the problem was a defect somewhere in this area I'll bet
defect somewhere in this area I'll bet NASA is sorry they hired us to build
NASA is sorry they hired us to build that thing have they asked for their $5
that thing have they asked for their $5 billion back yet more good news on that
billion back yet more good news on that front we also have the contract to
front we also have the contract to provide them with the digital images the
provide them with the digital images the rocket sends back how is that good news
rocket sends back how is that good news well as luck would have it all stars
well as luck would have it all stars look alike tiny dots of light one looks
look alike tiny dots of light one looks just like the next does NASA know the
just like the next does NASA know the rocket went down no and thanks to
rocket went down no and thanks to Dilbert they never will me your job is
Dilbert they never will me your job is to create digital pictures of Uncharted
to create digital pictures of Uncharted star systems and deliver them to NASA
star systems and deliver them to NASA every Tuesday how am I going to do that
every Tuesday how am I going to do that try sending it as an attachment in email
try sending it as an attachment in email it's very efficient don't make them all
it's very efficient don't make them all look the same that's a dead giveaway I
look the same that's a dead giveaway I am not going to lie for this company
am not going to lie for this company it's morally indefensible why are you
it's morally indefensible why are you afraid you'll die and go to a
cubicle it was isn't that funny but I like to laugh you've seen your afterlife
like to laugh you've seen your afterlife Dilbert no penalties no
Dilbert no penalties no rewards it's time you loosened up and
rewards it's time you loosened up and started harming other people that is so
started harming other people that is so wrong although I don't know
wrong although I don't know why oh and do something about these
why oh and do something about these protesters they call themselves The
protesters they call themselves The wallyes they have some gripe about space
wallyes they have some gripe about space exploration walit I like the
exploration walit I like the name w
name w is the way W is the way okay settle down
is the way W is the way okay settle down who can tell me why you're opposed to
who can tell me why you're opposed to space exploration it is heresy the book
space exploration it is heresy the book of Wall-E says nothing about going to
of Wall-E says nothing about going to the Stars there's a book of
the Stars there's a book of WALL-E that's it that's the whole book
WALL-E that's it that's the whole book of Wall-E it can be interpreted many
of Wall-E it can be interpreted many ways it doesn't say we should go to the
ways it doesn't say we should go to the Stars it says to Wall-E when we die we
Stars it says to Wall-E when we die we will spend eternity with Wall-E I hate
will spend eternity with Wall-E I hate the to break it to you but your entire
the to break it to you but your entire belief system is based on a myth do you
belief system is based on a myth do you have something better you'll find us
have something better you'll find us very flexible I'm not fond of the
very flexible I'm not fond of the outfits anyway you can believe in
outfits anyway you can believe in science that's real you mean like your
science that's real you mean like your rocket ship yes I mean no that's
rocket ship yes I mean no that's probably a very bad example people only
probably a very bad example people only think the rocket exists hi Gilbert hi
think the rocket exists hi Gilbert hi nuts liar
[Music] Wall-E what are you doing in the
Wall-E what are you doing in the afterlife haven't you heard after you
afterlife haven't you heard after you die you spend the rest of Eternity with
die you spend the rest of Eternity with me wo wo
wo I know I know you died again and it's getting
old no that looks wrong how about here that's just stupid it doesn't matter
that's just stupid it doesn't matter nothing matters you live your whole life
nothing matters you live your whole life being nice and you still die and go to
being nice and you still die and go to that little cubicle in the sky they say
that little cubicle in the sky they say Only the Good Die Young if it works the
Only the Good Die Young if it works the other way too I'm Immortal speaking of
other way too I'm Immortal speaking of evil I could use your special talents
evil I could use your special talents tomorrow H let me check my calendar I'll
tomorrow H let me check my calendar I'll see what else I have going evil evil
see what else I have going evil evil evil not evil looks like I I have an
evil not evil looks like I I have an opening I don't mean to seem skeptical
opening I don't mean to seem skeptical but these photos look like they were
but these photos look like they were made on a personal computer with a paint
made on a personal computer with a paint program this is where you come in surely
program this is where you come in surely you agree that in a vast Universe with
you agree that in a vast Universe with billions and billions of stars it
billions and billions of stars it probably looks exactly like this from
probably looks exactly like this from some angle well yes but we wanted actual
some angle well yes but we wanted actual pictures from the rocket isn't that a
pictures from the rocket isn't that a little narrow-minded you know this could
little narrow-minded you know this could be the answer to our funding problem can
be the answer to our funding problem can you give us evidence of life on other
you give us evidence of life on other planets are you kid kidding this picture
planets are you kid kidding this picture is teeming with life see this dot it
is teeming with life see this dot it looks exactly like the other dot but
looks exactly like the other dot but smudger what's that proof I can't do it
smudger what's that proof I can't do it all for you Ned you're good at this that
all for you Ned you're good at this that smudges could only be caused by a
smudges could only be caused by a distortion in the electromagnetic
distortion in the electromagnetic spectrum typically inhabited by ham
spectrum typically inhabited by ham radio signals that's it and uh further
radio signals that's it and uh further studies are
studies are [Applause]
[Applause] needed that'll get us funding for the
needed that'll get us funding for the space station we'd like to bid on the
space station we'd like to bid on the space station project too no no forget
space station project too no no forget the bid you got the
job can you tell us anything about how you plan to build the space station all
you plan to build the space station all right fellas I'd better not get into the
right fellas I'd better not get into the technical stuff my Engineers say I tend
technical stuff my Engineers say I tend to shoot from the hip but I can tell you
to shoot from the hip but I can tell you this I'm pretty sure phase one involves
this I'm pretty sure phase one involves building a giant step ladder the rumor
building a giant step ladder the rumor is that you got this 100 billion doll
is that you got this 100 billion doll contract without even bidding my
contract without even bidding my question to you sir is do you think UFOs
question to you sir is do you think UFOs have visited us no but they're on the
have visited us no but they're on the way have you seen this picture
yet after I talked to the Wally ites the next time I died I saw their version of
next time I died I saw their version of the afterlife an eternity with Wall-E
the afterlife an eternity with Wall-E what I want to know is was I really did
what I want to know is was I really did or just hallucinating why don't you ask
or just hallucinating why don't you ask that man we saw on TV the one who can
that man we saw on TV the one who can talk to the spirit world he has an 800
talk to the spirit world he has an 800 number I don't believe in that stuff but
number I don't believe in that stuff but you believe we spend eternity in a
you believe we spend eternity in a cubicle with Wall-E what's his
number hello each call costs $3 per minute I was expecting your call you
minute I was expecting your call you were you want answers don't you yes I do
were you want answers don't you yes I do do you know someone who died in the last
do you know someone who died in the last 50 years named John or Jim or Bill or
50 years named John or Jim or Bill or Tom yes I thought so
Tom yes I thought so he has a message for you from the other
he has a message for you from the other side which one John or Jim or Bill or
side which one John or Jim or Bill or Tom he says you like to do things with
Tom he says you like to do things with your hands typing or cooking or
your hands typing or cooking or gardening is that correct I type on the
gardening is that correct I type on the computer I have to admit he's good he
computer I have to admit he's good he says you get great pleasure from this
says you get great pleasure from this typing or cooking or gardening I do but
typing or cooking or gardening I do but I wanted to ask he says you enjoy music
I wanted to ask he says you enjoy music and food is that right forget about that
and food is that right forget about that I want to know if the afterlife is
I want to know if the afterlife is nothing but a cubicle he said says to be
nothing but a cubicle he said says to be careful with your back or Vision or
careful with your back or Vision or lungs or weight I feel fine all I want
lungs or weight I feel fine all I want to know is so what are you
to know is so what are you wearing I've never been a Supreme Being
wearing I've never been a Supreme Being before but I'm willing to give it a try
before but I'm willing to give it a try your humility inspires us please teach
your humility inspires us please teach us everything you know maybe you could
us everything you know maybe you could ask me specific questions what is your
ask me specific questions what is your favorite cheese uh you know the one with
favorite cheese uh you know the one with the holes in it swis right not that one
the holes in it swis right not that one oh
oh can we wear casual clothes on Fridays no
can we wear casual clothes on Fridays no it leads to
promiscuity and no humming to yourself when you're alone I hate
when you're alone I hate [Music]
[Music] that my faith is being tested and if you
that my faith is being tested and if you order fish at the restaurant and it
order fish at the restaurant and it comes with the head still on it try
comes with the head still on it try covering it with mashed potatoes
covering it with mashed potatoes [Music]
oh I wonder if was something I [Music]
[Music] said is the answer out there or in here
said is the answer out there or in here is everything simply a manifestation of
is everything simply a manifestation of Consciousness or is there another actual
Consciousness or is there another actual level of existence a dimension parallel
level of existence a dimension parallel to or beyond the one we live in now it's
to or beyond the one we live in now it's all part of the big illusion that we
all part of the big illusion that we perpetuate on ourselves and in turn is
perpetuate on ourselves and in turn is perpetuated upon us like the rocket ship
perpetuated upon us like the rocket ship or the shroud of Wall-E When We believe
or the shroud of Wall-E When We believe We Engage The Illusion when we stop
We Engage The Illusion when we stop believing we shatter the illusion and
believing we shatter the illusion and shatter ourselves in the process because
shatter ourselves in the process because we are part of it maybe you're right
we are part of it maybe you're right maybe the mistake is in making
maybe the mistake is in making distinctions out there in here Life
distinctions out there in here Life Death it's all the same
ready ready ready welcome to painting with Rusty
ready welcome to painting with Rusty Shanks last week I taught you how to
Shanks last week I taught you how to paint Shrubbery using your own head as a
paint Shrubbery using your own head as a brush that was a good show today we'll
brush that was a good show today we'll take a ride into the wild world of
take a ride into the wild world of modern abstract art yeah just paint
modern abstract art yeah just paint Rusty don't talk some people think
Rusty don't talk some people think abstract art can't be taught I think
abstract art can't be taught I think that let's say you wanted to express an
that let's say you wanted to express an emotion such as oh a fear of
emotion such as oh a fear of caterpillars what color would you choose
caterpillars what color would you choose orange green purple that's right it's
orange green purple that's right it's our friend taupe taupe Tae how do you
our friend taupe taupe Tae how do you make taupe Rusty you're killing me and
make taupe Rusty you're killing me and what shape works best with taupe circle
what shape works best with taupe circle triangle line if you said octagon you're
triangle line if you said octagon you're right we'll represent the octagon with a
right we'll represent the octagon with a DOT and the color taupe will be
DOT and the color taupe will be represented by the color orange it's
represented by the color orange it's levels upon levels I don't get art who
levels upon levels I don't get art who decided that a painting of a bowl of
decided that a painting of a bowl of fruit is Art how long can you look at
fruit is Art how long can you look at the same bowl of fruit anyway at least
the same bowl of fruit anyway at least with the actual fruit itself you can
with the actual fruit itself you can rearrange the pieces once in a while you
rearrange the pieces once in a while you can eat it if you're hungry you can
can eat it if you're hungry you can watch it rot but if all you have is a
watch it rot but if all you have is a painting of fruit your options are
painting of fruit your options are limited so you think the whole art scene
limited so you think the whole art scene is just one big scam to make money I'm
is just one big scam to make money I'm beginning to wonder I'd better look into
beginning to wonder I'd better look into it you do that and report back who are
it you do that and report back who are you who let you in here what do you
you who let you in here what do you think you're doing we wish to interrupt
think you're doing we wish to interrupt this program in order to bring you this
this program in order to bring you this special Bulletin art teacher Rusty
special Bulletin art teacher Rusty Shanks has disappeared no I haven't I'm
Shanks has disappeared no I haven't I'm right here this coupled with his refusal
right here this coupled with his refusal to repay certain outstanding loans has
to repay certain outstanding loans has Force the cancellation of the painting
Force the cancellation of the painting with Rusty
with Rusty show I can get the money no we now
show I can get the money no we now return to painting without Rusty Shanks
return to painting without Rusty Shanks already in progress they say you have to
already in progress they say you have to suffer for your art I wonder if that's
suffer for your art I wonder if that's what they meant
[Laughter] [Music]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] he
[Music] [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
it's critical that we lead the effort to integrate our strategy process and
integrate our strategy process and behavior related
activities to facilitate our goal of sustained predictable and high margin
profitability and we'll need to revitalize our efforts toward continuous
revitalize our efforts toward continuous quality improvement Wally I'm trying to
quality improvement Wally I'm trying to communicate here oh communication I IDE
communicate here oh communication I IDE you call it it sounds like the rambling
you call it it sounds like the rambling and babbling of a nink poop a buffoon
and babbling of a nink poop a buffoon staggering down the street in a
stuper good point arook yes it was communication and unless that newspaper
communication and unless that newspaper has an idea for increasing our profits
has an idea for increasing our profits you'd better put it down and listen to
you'd better put it down and listen to me this thing is full of money making
me this thing is full of money making ideas here's a guy who sued a big
ideas here's a guy who sued a big company and made 25 million he sued us
company and made 25 million he sued us the product directions clearly stated do
the product directions clearly stated do not use as waffle maker and bicycle seat
not use as waffle maker and bicycle seat at the same time here's a story about a
at the same time here's a story about a painting that sold for $75 million and
painting that sold for $75 million and the buyer's leaving it in the museum so
the buyer's leaving it in the museum so he paid $75 million and got nothing in
he paid $75 million and got nothing in return hold the wire now we're under
return hold the wire now we're under something no we're not good work Wally
something no we're not good work Wally if only the others could work at my
if only the others could work at my level we'll need some sort of
level we'll need some sort of competitive Advantage if we're going to
competitive Advantage if we're going to dominate The Art industry we will also
dominate The Art industry we will also need art
need art Dilbert would be good at creating art no
Dilbert would be good at creating art no I wouldn't too late the seed is planted
I wouldn't too late the seed is planted it's true that Dilbert is no w-e
it's true that Dilbert is no w-e everyone's trying to warm themselves in
everyone's trying to warm themselves in my light but I don't know anything about
my light but I don't know anything about art uh-uh save it for your performance
art uh-uh save it for your performance review but we're a technology company
review but we're a technology company not an art company Engineers don't
not an art company Engineers don't understand art we know what we
understand art we know what we like don't we how hard could it be art
like don't we how hard could it be art has rules just like anything else if you
has rules just like anything else if you can teach a computer to play chess you
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