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Dilbert - Season 1 & 2 + Extras (1999–2000)

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[Music] [Laughter]

[Music] [Applause]

I thought you were going to wake me at

6:30 I also said women like men who are

shaped like potatoes can you find the pattern

pattern

here I had the egg dream again I I I

what do you think an egg dream means

probably an omen a good omen how many

good Omens involve things that come out

of a chicken's butt there only has to be one

one [Music]

[Music]

bathroom I didn't know you had your own

toothbrush good morning shower good

morning Dilbert don't you do enough

engineering at work work is just

meetings this is engineering if this

works someday all showers will be voice

activated is it that hard to turn the

the knobs it's not that it's hard it's

unnecessary 99 please [Music]

[Music] 99

400 nice try but the shower is

calibrated to respond to my voice only

well you think of everything I'm

cautious that's why you had training

wheels on your bike until you were 17 I

14 9 99 9

don't do that where'd you get the voice

for that thing sounds like the computer

from that stupid movie what was it

something something A Space Odyssey it

wasn't something something A Space

Space on the plus side you look very clean

[Applause] [Music]

[Music]

are we sticking with our ban on useless

checking Wally yes push the button why

just because I'm standing near them yes

I pushed the button yesterday Wally do

I I had the egg dream again last night

I've often said there's nothing more

interesting than hearing about someone's

dream EGS you're not the first engineer

to have that dream you too no I'm saying

old Jack Cooper had that dream right

before he turned into the chicken man

it's impossible to turn into a chicken a

chicken yes but chicken man that can

happen what happened happened to Jack

Cooper he was an engineer much like you

until they put him in charge of a

project the frustration started building

up he started having the egg dream he'd

stand up during meetings all agitated

and he'd wave his arms around like a

chicken what project was he working on

that's the thing no one could agree on

the project name that's what got him

what happened I think he's with the

circus poor clucker [Music]

[Music]

thank you for calling please dial your

pound you have

937 messages all of which are marked

urgent first Urgent Message this is Ted

I'm just calling to tell you I sent you some

some

jeez the network is slow

no is it yes nothing your resumes people

are bailing out there must be a problem

with our new flagship product H The

herbal throat lenges I told him at the

rollout meeting that anthrax was a

bacteria not an herb no you didn't I was

thinking it pretty hard oh some poor

marketing executive will have to take

the fall for this one Bob you made quite

a mess with the herbal lozes product

line don't believe everything you read

in all the major news outlets try

one worth a shot Bob you're like a son

to me you don't have a son that's where

I'm headed here oh now this isn't easy

for either of us but I have to ask you

to take your huge executive severance

package and go find a higher paying job

at another company this is barbaric I

I've heard a

rumor I'm sorry sorry sorry sorry I

heard a rumor our loes product wiped out

of town I can't believe it those loes

were made of natural

ingredients we can see the devastation

but how does this make you feel my

he's always late what's he doing that's

us uhoh draw is almost full I'll need a

new desk hey Alice

looky so what's life like in your

village tongi and tell me everything I'm

not paying for the call well troops I

assume you've all been informed about

the problems with our Flagship product I

don't well there's no no point in

killing a dead horse you mean there's no

point in beating a dead horse why would

anyone beat a dead horse why would

anyone kill a dead horse maybe it kicked

you it's dead and so is every customer

who used our Flagship product now we

have a warehouse filled with lethal

lozenges we are currently converting for

usage in ancillary markets buttons

buttons

coinage teddy bear

eyes the point is we all must embrace

change no that is very bad we don't like

that well we have to make up for the

revenue shortfall and there are only two

ways to do that create a new product or

make massive painful budget

cuts let's make a new product that is

exactly my plan oh I love

a phase

one we need a name for the product uh

that's actually the last step you've got

the transparencies out of order he

doesn't like being corrected now he must

do something terrible to you something

to teach us all a lesson

Gilbert I'd like you to take the lead on this

project step one the name the name is

the last thing you do oh use some common

sense son if you don't know something's

name how do you know what to build focus

groups market research detailed user

specifications and the

name do you think the guy who invented

the mouse pad started with the name

what's a mouse pad feminine protection for

for

mice if we don't know what the product

is we'll never agree on its name we'll

have meeting after meeting after meeting

everyone will want to have input because

input is much easier than doing real

work the only way we'll ever get that

many people to agree is look

look oh that's not

a I am not the chicken man I'll get you

a name anyway it's better than mass of

painful budget cuts actually we're doing

that too it's being announced right

now I got your budget cuts right

here we expect some loading maybe you

people can just sit here while this

how hard get a beat to name a product

that Jack Cooper just didn't have what it

takes that happens to be the best way to

stom out of fire dver help I've been

shot I've been shot I've been shot I

have a few problems of my own you know

yeah I heard about the name thing that's a

a [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause]

drag I'm okay everything's okay things

could be

God why don't you call your product the

vetrx 9000 why would I call it that I'm

just trying to help I know it's hard for

you to come up with a name what with

your poor verbal skills there's nothing

wrong with my verbal skills it only

seems that way because my math skills

are so high there's no reason to get all

news wed about this he's more pacious

than naric whatever that means I am not

there there I know what you're doing

your Scrabble Mind Games will not work

[Music]

mipuluk 6,000 what kind of product do

you see when you imagine a gruntmaster

6000 well it's a strip down version of

the gruntmaster 9,000 of course but it's

software upgradable can we just play all

right then standard Scrabble rules apply

no kicking biting or slapping no

projectiles of any kind name calling

turn it give me four big ones you

wrinkled toad yes yes it that's not a

word I challenge you challenge it give

dictionary what kind of stupid

dictionary is

this Websters I think it's the one your

company makes that would explain it

explain it what's an it quick

Sonic that's triple word score plus 50

for using all seven letters q and the X

that's 152 stinking totally lucky points

dance quizzing

that's 188 I'm pretty sure Scrabble only

has one

Z that's the kind of thinking that

row thank you all for coming especially

those of you who weren't invited and

have no reason to be here

sure to save time I've hired a

consultant to help us find a name for

our next

product he doesn't look like any

consultant I've ever seen

recommendation downsize the loud guy by

take it back anyone else want a piece of

me as you probably know all the good

product names have been trademarked by

companies who are competent

competent how are we going to compete

with that there are still plenty of

names left in the areas of Greek

mythology bodily secretions diseases and

everything involving intestines I like

all of those things remember the first

rule of brainstorming is to openly mock

the opinions of others I thought it was

the other way around Swift let's start

with you accounting guys Walter's good

at this creative stuff he just named his

baby how is Walter Jr she's fine thanks

for asking

that was a dry hole do we have anyone

marketing lie to me our next upgrade

will solve the

problem I like the sound of it but how

do you

spell wter has a name for the product how

how about

about

Ford hm that seems to be taken by the

Company maybe for will sell the name

everyone has a price you're not allowed

to talk anymore how about something from

the disease category they can't all be

that bad how about cbera I like the

sound of it seia

seia

CIA that's not a disease it's a

condition it doesn't have to be a

disease let's stay focused diseases

secretions praks how about Copus the guy

who pushed a rock up a hill for eternity

that fits this project h I like it it

conveys a sense of playfulness it's

supposed to convey a sense of futility

you have to look at it from the Rocks

point of

view how about toe fungus that's a

disease cellulite

cellula cellula and when you take your

sock off and you can still see the

indent on your ankle is that called

anything that's it I can't take it

anymore I will not turn into the chicken

man pick a name any name

here acorn Acorn okay that's the name I

know it's taken but it's just a little

mom and popop dry cleaners we can buy

their name okay then buy it we'll

present it to my boss next week I feel

the curse of the chicken man lifting

already now all you need is a second

name to present at the same time a

really bad name why do we need a second

name it's a decoy always give your boss

two choices one to reject one to approve

it creates the illusion of

leadership you always bring me to

choices for you both choices are always

real oh all right we need a decoy name

that's plausible yet frighteningly bad H

how about salmonella in honor of rooster boy

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause]

here can I speak with the owner why so

you can make false accusations about us

wearing customiz clothing to sporting

events I defy you to prove it no I you

don't scare me you potato shap bully you

foure tall foreheaded shortpants man I'm

not here to

complain oh well we're not French well

why do you talk because we're rude it

just sounds better with the French

accent so what do you want my company

would like to buy the name Acorn we'll

pay never acor was our only son's

nickname it do not for sale as long as

his store still stands I need that name

leave the premises now or I will be

forced to call the strip more security

guard who although old and Fe will whip

you and beat you without Mercy until you

sing campfire songs in the voice of a little

girl thanks for all your help the acorn

dry cleaners won't last forever just let

nature take its course nature how long

nature would you like to try a vibrating

chair get out of my way you pervert [Music]

will you be sitting down in any of these

no I'm going to run for it and you might

[Music]

same Mother of [Music]

God remind me to never negotiate with you

am I late right on time sir oh in that

case I've got time to make some phone

rude am I late now yes but it's not

because you're an inconsiderate adult

it's because you're more important than

us all right so what do you have for me

we need your approval for the name

wait the smell of fresh Ficus it

transports me back to my youth summers

in the Catskill Mountains settle in this

could be a long [Music]

[Music]

one we'd all go to turtle pond to swim

and laugh and play games amongst the wild

Ficus One

Day tragedy [Music]

[Music]

struck a turtle made off with my trunks [Music]

[Music]

I stayed in the water as long as I could

but the water was cold soon a crowd

formed they gave me a nickname on the

spot one that still haunts me [Music]

[Music]

Acorn my awful non-french parents even

but that's all in the past what do you

have for me well we just need your

approval on our next product name sal

manella sal

God what nothing nothing no what's my

other choice people usually give me two

choices ah

se isn't that a disease it's a condition

I like the first one by this time next

year I want every person in the country

to be driving a salmonella it's not

necessarily a car it's not then why are

we giving it a car name what else do you

have how about the grunt Master the

grunt master I don't know it's missing

6000 that's it less features than the

grunt Master 9,000 but just as

fun good work Dilbert wait

chicken did you ever come up with a name

for your product it's a long story

gruntmaster 6000 really that doesn't

sound like a long story it is a long

story I made a suggestion you took it

not so long there was a lot more we had

meetings and pre- meetings and a a dancing

dancing

Acorn burn a strip mall and almost

turned into a chicken and then you used

my suggestion grun Master

6000 whose turn is it you know what I

next on channel 7

America's favorite media generated

disasters I can't believe you watch this

stuff tonight we'll show you how One

camera crew provoked Madonna to break

her foot ow I think I broke my foot do

you ever get tired of watching bad

things happen to people that's crazy

talk I mean don't you think people have

enough problems without the media

creating new ones sometimes the natural

disasters aren't spread evenly across

the week you need filler filler speaking

of which how was your day talk about

disasters the executive new product

evaluation subcommittee has recommended

to the executive new product committee

to push up the deadline on the

gruntmaster 6000 project because of some

scarless rumor that one of our

competitors allegedly not even in our

field although that can't be confirmed

because we don't know what field we're

in is releasing a similarly themed

product that might possibly have some

aspect in common with or overlap in some

slight way the gruntmaster 6000 now the

[Music]

weeks what makes you qualified to be a

reporter I'm willing to violate anyone's

privacy for my personal gain and then

claim with a straight face that the

public has a right to know have you been

using me as your main source of Industry

information no not the main source I

also make stuff up for instance I've

started a rumor that your company is a

front for an international organ

harvesting cult organ harvesting cult

really so where exactly did you hear

[Music] [Laughter]

[Applause] [Music]

h [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music]

first off dilbo we want to tell you what

a terrific job you've done on the punt

Blaster the even Product Industry news

says so they called it a product worthy

of a better company oh yeah excellent

who the man you the man thanks by the

way it's actually called the grunt

Master whoa look who's getting our

proprietary easy guy no point in getting

married to a name at this stage come now

one name's as good as another stop being

so rigid you're the one who insisted

that the name was the most important

part of the project I have no

that the name is the most important part

of the project I cannot EMP emphasize

this strongly

enough and once we have an aim there's

no going back that's my final word Alice

are you getting this all on [Music]

[Music] tape

tape

wow I have a beautiful speaking voice

well like we said we think you're 90%

there these changes we're thinking of

here are purely tweaks nothing that's

going to change the thrust of what

you're trying to do with this in any any

way I like the way you said any twice it

shows you

care you care these changes are really

up to you they couldn't matter less feel

free to ignore any two of them as long

as they're not two of [Laughter]

mine hear what I'm saying but seriously

dilb we need to reach a demographic

group that you may have overlooked

consumers right the people who are going

to buy this thing are going to want it

not just for whatever the heck it is

it's an exercise

machine for real how can you possibly

Market something if you don't even know

what it is who put the brakes on the

negativity Express it's not only

possible it's possible all you've got to

do is give it more attitude make it more

retro but not antique you know

futuristic but not techno sexier but

more gender neutral you see what we're

after here right I think we're all on

the same page what page is that so we're

still on track for a spring roll out

right we have to debut the grunt Master

before the competition has a chance to

get the jump on us I don't see anything

that could stand in our way sanity

reality the laws of

physics looks like we're done here

dilbero I think I speak for everybody

here when I say we've got complete

confidence that you can pull this off

oh my God this can't be good look at

that it's got a capital letter in the

middle German spelling and it's

a a thousand higher than

ours I've brought it to my attention

that our biggest competitor

nirvano the greatest engineering firm of

all time the executives actually listen

to what you tell them and respond with

neither sarcasm nor total

incomprehension the rumor is they treat

you like a human being and I would love

to be treated like a human being just

boy we've got a crisis on our hands if

they debut their grunt Meister 7,000 in

3 weeks they'll completely dominate the

market don't they already dominate the

market if you believe the Bible of our

industry anyway we're going to move the

production schedule ahead again what how

can we possibly speed up the schedule

anymore I've given that a lot of thought

have you no but nevertheless I realize

it would be impossible for you people to

work any harder than you already are

this is going to be bad or any longer

than you already are uhoh so we're going

to work tighter what tighter what the

heck does that mean security stripped

tight security Nano seems to know our

every move and then beat us to the punch

if this Phantom Insider knows what's

going on in Nirvana

he's sure to be snooping around here now

our security consultant Mr dogbert has

outlined a series of strict new

protocols to ensure nothing leaks out to

the media all right people listen up

nursery school is over I don't know what

you've been doing up until now but from

now on things around here are going to

be done by the book there's going to be

full frontal and backal strip searches

all communication will be done in the

form of codes which will be changed on a

daily basis is there a banjo player in

Farmer Johansson's Silo a pigeon has no

use for keys he opens doors with his

song All company documents will be

printed on edible paper for immediate

memorization and

consumption this is going to be great

what are you talking about it's going to

be like living under martial law in some

kind of post-apocalyptic nightmare

exactly do you know how desperate women

get under martial law in some kind of

post-apocalyptic nightmare I guess I

haven't studied it as extensively as you

you got that right it was the topic of

my graduate [Music]

thesis empty your pockets please [Music]

[Music]

here where do you think you're going to

get the phone oh no I'm not falling for

that one

again okay fine I'm [Music]

going flaming Commando to central

control I have an intruder situation in

area 4 G1 n/x yk2 LM rainbow Bravo nylon

Delta tangle

Fox I add this one trying to escape

what since when is leaving your cubicle

to use the bathroom escaping since 2:30

this afternoon good work

Leonard why are we here what have we

done wrong I'll tell you what you've

done wrong someone in this room is a

traitor what are you talking about I'll

tell you what I'm talking about someone

in this room leaked information to this

magazine regarding our new security

measures now before you go accusing each

other let me accuse you Alice you're out

of your mind I was going to say let me

say why it couldn't be

Alice you see I've been watching you

nonstop on the security monitors but we

all have those cameras in our cubes yes

but I've only been watching hers woo

that's a relief can I get back to filing

my harassment suit soon now Wall-E this

current state of Siege is the only

chance you will ever ever have of

scoring is that right oh yeah definitely

no question there no other way so it

would not be in your best interest to

sabotage such a rare and favorable

situation would it hey no it wouldn't

that leaves Dilbert and Loud Howard I

think we'd all agree it's impossible for

Howard to do anything in secret why do

you say things that you know will hurt

me which I'm sorry to say leaves only

one possible suspect one who had the

means the motive and the

opportunity well the uh it's the means

anyway it's Delbert but profanity won't

help you now son this is so hard for me

to say actually it's not you're fired

clean out your desk and leave but I but

I can't believe this is happening you're

making a terrible mistake I'm I'm a

model employee but not a working

model I wish I were the kind of person

who didn't stand for this sort of

treatment everybody down he's becoming [Music]

disgruntled I can't believe

it this cubicle has been My Sanctuary

now I'm just a refugee a cubicle Nomad

doomed to roam the Earth in search of a

new Oasis in the harsh corporate

Wasteland well you know as long as you

remember nothing is worth committing

suicide over I wasn't planning on

committing suicide are you sure yes

think about it Dilbert an eternity of

Peace no I have Jack cavan's home number

chair I don't wear [Music]

boxers tonight at 11: could a giant

squid really eat a major metropolitan

area find out how to protect your family

why is the news always the same as the

minseries that was just on what are the

odds of that there's some things you're

not meant to know I have to get a job

I've been moping around the house for 12

hours and 27 minutes I'm not bothering

you am I being around all the time oh

it's an adjustment in the same sense as

for example being buried alive what I'd

really like to get is a job at Nirvana

company I'll take care of it plan to

report to work on Monday you can get me

a job at Nirvana how that's another one

of those things you're not meant to

know maybe I don't want to [Music]

know we were all very impressed with

your resume Dilbert did I send a resume

I believe your assistant a Mr dogbert

was kind enough to forward it we usually

insist on an interview before offering a

job but how many double Nobel Prize

winners does one see [Music]

[Music]

ah you may have heard we have a

different way of doing things around

here that you'll have to get used to but

I think you'll enjoy the level of

Freedom we allow our

employes thank you [Music]

[Music]

here's one of our Recreation rooms as

you can see at Nana Company employee

happiness comes first just like in the

space colonies of the

future oh thank you I was wondering

would it be at all possible for me to

Project D it if there were such a

project believe me I'd not only put you

on it but you'd be the head designer

with a staff of assistance and a budget

that would would choke a WID necked

animal what do you mean if there were

such a project you must be talking about

that article in Product Industry news

complete fiction I don't know how they

get away with publishing that rubbish

and I certainly can't imagine anyone

taking it seriously now would you like

to see your new offices

offices I'll leave you to acclimate to

your new surroundings if you need

anything the robots are programmed to

respond to your thoughts [Music]

door I sure do miss him have you talked

who I'm going to need a marrow sample

poke away my good man take as much as

you want drain

meow oh w-e are you all right all right

I hope this never [Music]

ends my

shirona this this is just impossible how

am I going to get any work done if

[Music]

PIN I'd like the forms to requisition a

pen please forms for a pen ultimately

yes but we both know it's not going to

be that easy come on in pens are in a 5

take what you need rotation tank time

will now commence in the main [Music]

[Music] Atrium

Atrium [Music]

[Music]

what are you doing waiting for you to

finish well I might be a while you could

use one of the other

machines they're working of course they

are what kind of M house is [Music]

[Music]

this hey good to see you good to see day

how you working on huh working we've

heard a lot about you I'll bet you're

inventing something pretty special uh

yeah yeah I'm I'm working on a u a

barbecue an underwater barbecue so when

you're scuba diving wow you are good I

just want to see if it can be done I'm

sure the marketing department will try

to kill it marketing department I'm not

sure we've got one who decides what

products to make who tells you your

ideas are idiotic wastes of time that

aren't commercial doesn't anyone step on

your dreams are you feeling okay yes I'm

I'm fine I just just didn't know how a

company can exist without a marketing

department hey what's wrong guys the new

guy has an idea to start a marketing

department what no no not at all I was

just saying I'd never heard of a company

without a hello Dilbert I'm the Vice

President in charge of immediately

implementing ideas that may adversely

affect the company now this idea of

yours for a marketing department sounds

a bit risky but here at Nirvana company

we pride ourselves on our willingness to

explore new directions until now it's

worked out great I only hope this isn't

the one time I'm calamitously wrong well good

good [Music]

[Music] day

day

uh-oh here's that marketing department

you've been so enthusiastic about

Dilbert I wouldn't say I was

enthusiastic their first recommendation

is we Gear Up Full Speed Ahead to market

what now first of all congratulations we

love this just a couple of thoughts one

does it have to be underwater and two

does it have to be a [Music]

[Music]

barbecue isn't that the whole point is

it I think we need to lose the

underwater part and the barbecue part

but it goes 86 it but then how do you

barbecue underwater sorry we couldn't

hear you your comments were drowned out

by a loud shriek from next door next

we're afraid that when it comes out of

the box it'll make a squeaking sound you

mean from the styrofoam packing material

it's a loser noise that sound test

extremely low are you trying this

marketing thing anywhere else in the

company or just here all over it's

go Nirvana company the world's greatest

company filed for bankruptcy today

inexplicable venture underwater cooking

headquarters destroyed in blaze Nirvana

Company's stock fell 180 points to -2 in

an eighth the company holds a single engineer

engineer

responsible well

congratulations for what destroying a

90-year-old company you're now well

known in your industry Fame is more

important than competence are you saying

I'm more employable as a famous screwup

than I was as a competent nobody that's

how it works I don't I don't see how

there's some things you're not meant to [Music]

[Music]

know well uh

Dilbert I see that your qualifications

are impeccable and even though I myself

or someone very much like me fired you

for divulging company Secrets I see that

you are now a wellknown industry figure

so yes you have entered a no marman song

home I'll introduce you around you'll

like w-e he's almost completely bald

sure I was wondering H seeing as the

main competition has gone Belly Up are

these security precautions still

necessary you know you're right I can

never remember the passwords anyway

attention employees attention as of this

moment all security procedures are

suspended please return to your normal

state of semios clock watching oh thank God

God finally

finally [Music]

[Music]

no oh well back to work [Music]

[Music] w

[Music]

I estimate this soap has one more good washing

left dang it's so small I can't even

find it what's with the bath did the

shower reject you again I'm trying to

think of a product idea I read that

Einstein did his best thinking in the

bath it's the warm water that's the same

theory behind instant soup would you

mind not staring at me uh what's the camera

camera

for that's my voice activat motion

sensitive hovering Dill camcorder

specially designed to record my

brilliant ideas oh I hope that's what

that's for I'm sitting in water I can't

use my laptop computer M so that's your

story yes it is as an engineer obviously

you know that a bathtub is the least

efficient form of bathing I'm thinking

up ideas you're sitting in your own

filth some of it's in the water it's

kind of like rinsing your fruit in the

sewer to wash the pesticides off okay

bath is over [Music]

[Music]

why don't you invent a product that

keeps your skin from wrinkling after a

bath kind of a de pruner dogbert that is

the vinest most superficial idea I've

ever heard thank you I don't want to De

prune people I want to make the world a

better place to live

in is this where you thought up your

invention that reversed global warming

yes the bath water helps me think and

why are you filming yourself I told you

I can't use the laptop in the bath so

you're sticking to that story yes I am

you know you're sitting in your own

filth I'm trying to think of an

invention to fix that too I think it's

called the shower this fantasy has been

ch ch [Music]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

yuck all pedestrians eliminated game

over can we do some work now one more

game I think I can get to the rest home

if I blow up the daycare center welcome

to pedestrian outrage remember I'm the

only woman who loves you registered user

hooked we're on a deadline here we need

to design the company's new flagship

product and we need it yesterday

yesterday then it's already too late

game everything's been invented oh it

hasn't a time machine that's just one

example all right let's go with a time [Applause]

[Applause]

machine well that's it I'm in youred to violence

now oh how's the Prototype

coming a root ating Cube I like it can

we be first to Market that's a screen

saver I'll save the technical mumbo

jumbo I just want to know if it'll work

it'll work but everyone already has one

well that's no good what else do you

have we were tossing around the idea of

a time machine well You' better get

going on that I've heard there's a rival

engineering department right here in our

own organization moving into our turf

and developing their own prototype just

out of curiosity who's running the other department

Lena Lena you mean there really is a

Lena I always thought you was just a

myth she's more than a myth she's like

the zena of

Engineers I heard when she was attending

Welsley as a foreign exchange student

there was an incident where she severed

a couple of classmates heads with a hockey

stick none of the witnesses ever talked

about that day if no one talked how do

we know the story I read it on her web

page uh-oh I heard a rumor that she

steals the ideas of other engineers then

cuts off their head so they can't talk I

like Wally's story better anyway no

shame in being a runner up after all

Albany is beautiful this time of

year whoever designs the next prototype

will need more floor space I'll have to

relocate the unproductive Engineers to

our facility in Albany [Music]

hey look at this Alice home liposuction

kit you could take one of these babies

and we're doomed Lena's team is probably

half done with their prototype we don't

even have an idea Lena is totally

overrated we can beat her I don't care

if most of the engineers have gone over

to her side Lena's team is so big you

could get lost in the crowd and never

have to lift a finger they might get the

big raises in the party atmosphere but

they'll never know the satisfaction that

better can I help you I've got to get to

work and you're blocking me although it

might seem that way on the surface in

reality it's you that's blocking

yourself you're right

how do you know that it's what I do

you're a garbage man

exactly well can you at least move the

truck it is moving it only seems like

it's standing still by the way thanks for

Lena Dilbert I am so very sorry you must

have been in my blind spot I was right

in front of you exactly you look so pale

breathe I cannot tell you how excited I

am for the opportunity to work on a

prototype against such a pro like

yourself me I am a huge fan of your work

you are

I only hope I could come up with

something half as brilliant as

you cuz I'm sure as hell not going to

Albany you know you're slightly more

friendly than I imagined really you

don't say I mean all the gossip about

how Cutthroat in mellian you are well

you know how people exaggerate and the

rumors about Fred the engineer who

mysteriously disappeared after his

project went up against yours yes rumors

forward

H what did you bring for lunch oh

salad ah she touched

me hey gray you're finally getting into

it what'd you come up with uh it's

nothing nothing yet still a work in

progress give me a few minutes to clean

it up look there's no time for niceties

we're on a deadline just let me see what

the heck oh Lena sweet Lena a female

Divinity my passions exceed p r 2 *

infinity have you lost your mind that is

not only the most nauseating thing I've

ever read it's meaningless if our is

undefined poetic license man she must

have blown some smoke up your butt did

she use a giant fan or just some kind of

Hose I think you're jealous jealous

I think I speak for all women capable of

reproduction when I say no what's a word

that rhymes with gradient she is

sabotaging us have you ever been to

Albany gradient gradient radiant I can't

believe I'm saying this but I think we

were better off when Wally was here we

him Wally

us so it is he doesn't recognize us of

course he does Wall-E old pal we need

you to come back to the team I am not of

your team I am of Team Lena praise Lena

snap out of it you half wit oh pain Lena

said there would be pain for those who

leave I see she was right but I only

left to go to the bathroom Lena I'm

coming back Wally it's Dilbert and Alice

don't you remember us you you were from

the Before Time When I was not of Team

Lena praise

Lena Lena I return to you I swear I will

never use the men's room [Applause]

[Applause]

again boy he's got it bad the worst part

is I like him better this

way hey look at that she's holding me up

as an example to her team I told you she

me Victory is not enough we must destroy

our opponent we will not only build a

better prototype we will build it upon

the crushed bones and torn flesh of debert

Gilbert how wonderful to see you here

Alice Lena we were just passing by look

Dey I was wondering if you weren't doing

anything later maybe we could get

together and talk about thing oh uh uh

sure yeah uh my my cubicle is no no no

no not here at the office I was thinking

perhaps your place h

wo Dilbert yes around 7even great see

you tonight I got a date I got a date I

got a date yeah package for you [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Music]

Alice let's see Lena's plate is at

positive point5 longitude

-3 latitude my plate is at pos5

longitude positive 3 point latitude

Lena's Fork is at positive 2.5 longitude -3

-3

latitude Lena's

Fork decapitate Dilbert steel idea two

quarts milk a box of [Music]

musle H I hate origami

I have a date boy that was weird I

thought you said you had a date want to

buy a

tape I'm kind of busy right now half off

two for

one supplies are limited goodbye

dogbert Lena long time no see dogbert

always a

pleasure hello

Dilbert Lena did you have any trouble

finding the place no the global

positioning coordinates you gave were

perfect well come in sit down can I can

I get you something to [Music]

drink yes I'll have a triple Brandy

Alexander with an Easter Island Sunset

Chaser a

where how are those drinks coming dly

any minute now my Swedish

Swedish

meatball crap crud

idiocy garbage nothing

where would that imbecile keep his [Music]

[Music]

notes it's so small I I I can't even

know why don't you invent a product that

keeps your skin from wrinkling after a

bath kind of a de pruner it could work

it could just

that to [Music]

[Music] go

Lina holy mother [Music]

[Music]

hello oh my God Fred is that you

dillbert yes Dilbert this is Joe Frank

Ed and Larry hi how you doing hiber good

to see you again nice to meet you get

out while you still can get out yes get

out can't you see we're severed heads in

a jar well maybe it didn't work out with

you guys but that doesn't mean it won't

work out with me she really likes me she

said she like me too she said to all of us

us [Music]

[Music]

that's there you are what took you so long

long

what took me so [Music]

[Music]

long you built this VCR from broken

parts of a washing

machine oh it's so small I can't even find

find

it hey where'd you get that I got it

used as a swap meat I think you should

know this transdermal hydroelastic

regenerator is well within the realm of

possibility you mean the the de pruner

take a look well what do you know by increasing

look well what do you know by increasing the gaseous conduction analyzer and

the gaseous conduction analyzer and factoring in the shift of the gyroscopic

factoring in the shift of the gyroscopic stabilizer huh it's obvious in

stabilizer huh it's obvious in retrospect a Bonafide cell recycling

retrospect a Bonafide cell recycling machine well I'll be actually you

machine well I'll be actually you already are I don't know what to say I'm

already are I don't know what to say I'm not surprised can I have this what am I

not surprised can I have this what am I going to do with it I'm a garbage man

going to do with it I'm a garbage man [Music]

yes a cell recycling machine pretty darn spiffy Team Lena is going down must one

spiffy Team Lena is going down must one person's Triumph be another's

person's Triumph be another's humiliation of

course we stand at the dawning of a new age where man transcends his mortal ity

age where man transcends his mortal ity and becomes Superman yeah and I'm

and becomes Superman yeah and I'm Batgirl get on with it shh and so I

Batgirl get on with it shh and so I present to you the eight wonder of the

present to you the eight wonder of the world the de

[Music] pruner 36 hours 36 hours immersed in

pruner 36 hours 36 hours immersed in water I can't feel my legs Now Behold oh

water I can't feel my legs Now Behold oh oh

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

we better rent iron weed hey wallet I got your

got your trunks but the best part is what my

trunks but the best part is what my invention can do for your SX Li it's so

invention can do for your SX Li it's so small I can't even find

small I can't even find it oh yes deep pruning is the

it oh yes deep pruning is the Afrodisiac for married couples only of

Afrodisiac for married couples only of course she's making me think of sex at

course she's making me think of sex at the same time I see you naked now I've

the same time I see you naked now I've got Dilbert and sex in the same part of

got Dilbert and sex in the same part of my

my brain ow ow ow get it out you made this

brain ow ow ow get it out you made this happen you made me think of Dilbert and

happen you made me think of Dilbert and sex at the same time you've ruined sex

sex at the same time you've ruined sex for me forever I'm starting to be

for me forever I'm starting to be insulted Lena must pay

insulted Lena must pay [Applause]

Sil our special today is an angry horde of riers who will trample you and your

of riers who will trample you and your date ooh I'll have

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] that who forgive me Madam I had honey

that who forgive me Madam I had honey darling I can

darling I can explain hey that's some deal yeah I'll

explain hey that's some deal yeah I'll take two

take two [Music]

[Music] it's kind of funny how things turn out I

it's kind of funny how things turn out I haven't lost yet buddy boy I'll cut off

haven't lost yet buddy boy I'll cut off your head and send your scrawny

your head and send your scrawny girlfriend Alice to Albany

girlfriend Alice to Albany girlfriend me his have you gone

girlfriend me his have you gone mad she's nuts 75% off last chance

mad she's nuts 75% off last chance before they're pulled from the market

before they're pulled from the market repackaged as a deluxe edition and then

repackaged as a deluxe edition and then put back on the market

I've got images in my brain I'll never get

[Music] out I knew I shouldn't have added that

out I knew I shouldn't have added that [Music]

[Music] option well better this than Albany

I wonder how this shows up on our headcount

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] [Laughter]

[Laughter] report feeling inadequate not measuring

report feeling inadequate not measuring up to the other

up to the other guys well you're probably right so give

guys well you're probably right so give me $29.95 and I guarantee you'll feel a

me $29.95 and I guarantee you'll feel a lot

better it's so small I can't even find it I can't even find it I meant so it's

it I can't even find it I meant so it's so small I was talking about soap wasn't

so small I was talking about soap wasn't it obvious I was talking about soap soap

[Music] w

in you've got to start driving with more attitude attitude I've got attitude to

attitude attitude I've got attitude to spare please don't hurt me is not

spare please don't hurt me is not attitude it's an invitation to get

attitude it's an invitation to get capped why don't you use the

capped why don't you use the Whatchamacallit that's only for use in

Whatchamacallit that's only for use in dire emergencies like when I'm rushing

dire emergencies like when I'm rushing my future wife to the hospital to give

my future wife to the hospital to give birth so in other words never why are we

birth so in other words never why are we all forced to go to work at the same

all forced to go to work at the same time who arbitrarily decided that 8:00

time who arbitrarily decided that 8:00 a.m. was a good time for everyone to go

a.m. was a good time for everyone to go to work there would be no rush hour if

to work there would be no rush hour if there was no rush you have no

there was no rush you have no understanding of human nature if people

understanding of human nature if people weren't forced to come to work at a

weren't forced to come to work at a certain time they wouldn't come at all

certain time they wouldn't come at all you have no faith in humanity people are

you have no faith in humanity people are basically good no no help help me what

basically good no no help help me what should we do close the windows I'll turn

should we do close the windows I'll turn on the radio just don't change any of my

on the radio just don't change any of my presets no heaven for bid all music all

presets no heaven for bid all music all the time more music and much less talk

the time more music and much less talk we're the all music station except for

we're the all music station except for right now which is a fluk more than

right now which is a fluk more than anything this is a

anything this is a nightmare and business dude ah finally

nightmare and business dude ah finally stocks are way up again today as every

stocks are way up again today as every idiot with a telephone is dumping his

idiot with a telephone is dumping his lunch money into the market that's

lunch money into the market that's outrageous idiots shouldn't have money

outrageous idiots shouldn't have money they won't have it long the only people

they won't have it long the only people who make money in the stock market are

who make money in the stock market are the ones who manipulate the stock prices

the ones who manipulate the stock prices behind the scenes or the ones who write

behind the scenes or the ones who write books about investing they're the

[Music] worst great now traffic is completely

worst great now traffic is completely stopped

stopped [Music]

this is insane you know this would be a perfect time to field test this

thing okay but just once to see if it works on my Mark 3 2 1

nice shooting somehow I just don't feel right about that just drive got a book

right about that just drive got a book to right

down [Music]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] Wally I hold it oh hello Dilbert hello

Wally I hold it oh hello Dilbert hello Dilbert nothing were you just reading a

Dilbert nothing were you just reading a book are you Bonkers what makes you

book are you Bonkers what makes you think that my own eyes hardly a reliable

think that my own eyes hardly a reliable source I just saw you you did not then

source I just saw you you did not then what is this oh that that is not a book

what is this oh that that is not a book it's a way of life Get Rich or get out

it's a way of life Get Rich or get out of my way investing dog bird style it's

of my way investing dog bird style it's full of investment tips that no one ever

full of investment tips that no one ever thought of before I've done the first

thought of before I've done the first exercise and already I'm a Millionaire

exercise and already I'm a Millionaire on paper what was the exercise you write

on paper what was the exercise you write down on a piece of paper I Wally am a

down on a piece of paper I Wally am a millionaire millionaire has two L's like

millionaire millionaire has two L's like your name which oddly enough you also

your name which oddly enough you also spelled wrong uh that's my nickname

spelled wrong uh that's my nickname Wally with one L who calls you that most

Wally with one L who calls you that most people they just don't realize it and

people they just don't realize it and now you're going to apply your special

now you're going to apply your special brand of Genius to the stock market the

brand of Genius to the stock market the time to strike is nigh are you in did

time to strike is nigh are you in did you say nigh it's a word how about if I

you say nigh it's a word how about if I just watch and stun silence for the

just watch and stun silence for the first

first round welcome to dogbert's More Than

round welcome to dogbert's More Than full price Brokers where your dreams

full price Brokers where your dreams turn into large transaction fees

overnight okay let's see invest in the company where you work only if you have

company where you work only if you have ACC actual knowledge of what's going on

ACC actual knowledge of what's going on inside the company insider trading is

inside the company insider trading is illegal you could go to jail well I'll

illegal you could go to jail well I'll need to review the RFP for the BGA

need to review the RFP for the BGA project before the ioc meeting well that

project before the ioc meeting well that has Alibi written all over it are you

has Alibi written all over it are you in okay I'm in excellent now uh what's

in okay I'm in excellent now uh what's the name of the company we work for this

the name of the company we work for this week hm we were called pathway

week hm we were called pathway Electronics then we merged with ech

Electronics then we merged with ech management now I guess we're petech

management now I guess we're petech management

management all right turn on the financial Channel

all right turn on the financial Channel and get ready to

and get ready to score as I said weakness in the Japanese

score as I said weakness in the Japanese Yen the Swiss frank and the Russian uh

Yen the Swiss frank and the Russian uh snotrag are all bad news for poorly

snotrag are all bad news for poorly managed multinational companies we're a

managed multinational companies we're a poorly managed multinational company as

poorly managed multinational company as soon as he said that our stock went down

soon as he said that our stock went down join me in 10 minutes when I explain why

join me in 10 minutes when I explain why poorly managed multinational companies

poorly managed multinational companies are a great bargain we're back up I'm

are a great bargain we're back up I'm seeing a pattern here the stock plummets

seeing a pattern here the stock plummets on bad news which ironically is the best

on bad news which ironically is the best time to buy and the stock Soares on good

time to buy and the stock Soares on good news which is obviously the time to sell

news which is obviously the time to sell it's go time major lawsuits over product

it's go time major lawsuits over product liability by the company announced more

liability by the company announced more layoffs to cut costs sell alleged

layoffs to cut costs sell alleged accounting irregularities by devil or

accounting irregularities by devil or nothing new product announced that will

nothing new product announced that will compete in the vaporware arena

selly that was exciting well back to work back to work we're on a hot streak

work back to work we're on a hot streak yes and if we keep going we'll be on a

yes and if we keep going we'll be on a cold streak let's leave it at that

cold streak let's leave it at that was you can't get out now you're in too

was you can't get out now you're in too deep there's no turning back it's all in

deep there's no turning back it's all in the book that book is worthless we're

the book that book is worthless we're going to be ruined and now investment

going to be ruined and now investment Guru dog B quiet it's him hello the

Guru dog B quiet it's him hello the Chinese have a word for crisis it's made

Chinese have a word for crisis it's made up of two characters danger and

up of two characters danger and opportunity although this has nothing to

opportunity although this has nothing to do with anything I enjoy mentioning it

do with anything I enjoy mentioning it what should we do now now now is

what should we do now now now is definitely the time to buy I thought you

definitely the time to buy I thought you were supposed to buy when the stock is

were supposed to buy when the stock is low have I ever lied to you about 1,000

low have I ever lied to you about 1,000 times you don't have to throw it in my

times you don't have to throw it in my face sorry I'll take care of the stock

face sorry I'll take care of the stock price excuse me a

[Music] minute you were caught in a jungle voodo

minute you were caught in a jungle voodo orgy with a cast of Deep Space 9

orgy with a cast of Deep Space 9 no well yes Samuel serve the poison must

no well yes Samuel serve the poison must I

yes wow he really earns his commissions the stock is so cheap now we can buy a

the stock is so cheap now we can buy a controlling interest in our own company

controlling interest in our own company let's do it wait I what are we ready for

let's do it wait I what are we ready for the responsibility that comes with

the responsibility that comes with owning the company uh I'll say no this

owning the company uh I'll say no this is serious we will inherit a moral

is serious we will inherit a moral obligation to the other stockholders yes

obligation to the other stockholders yes but more importantly to Society at large

but more importantly to Society at large who died made you the dolly Lama all I'm

who died made you the dolly Lama all I'm saying is look mahma we're not trying to

saying is look mahma we're not trying to change the world here we're trying to

change the world here we're trying to make some quick cash in the market and

make some quick cash in the market and considering it's 11:30 and we started at

considering it's 11:30 and we started at 9:00 I'd say we're doing pretty good but

9:00 I'd say we're doing pretty good but we could change things change them for

we could change things change them for the better I've always felt if I had an

the better I've always felt if I had an opportunity to run things I would be a

opportunity to run things I would be a kind and benevolent boss employees would

kind and benevolent boss employees would be free to come and go as they please to

be free to come and go as they please to choose hours that fit their lifestyles

choose hours that fit their lifestyles in a word Flex time yeah yeah yeah Flex

in a word Flex time yeah yeah yeah Flex time schme time great idea I love it can

time schme time great idea I love it can we just execute the buy already Wally

we just execute the buy already Wally look at me and tell me we're going to do

look at me and tell me we're going to do the right thing I will tell you we're

the right thing I will tell you we're doing the right thing but I will not

doing the right thing but I will not look at you Wally you do whatever you

look at you Wally you do whatever you want me I'm cashing out you plan to

want me I'm cashing out you plan to retire retire from what I don't do

retire retire from what I don't do anything now except surf the net why

anything now except surf the net why should I pay for that besides I really

should I pay for that besides I really like the coffee here fellas tick tick

like the coffee here fellas tick tick tick carpet DM Delbert season the day

tick carpet DM Delbert season the day what carpedm I think that's a fish boys

what carpedm I think that's a fish boys okay okay good you two now own 51% of

okay okay good you two now own 51% of the company yeah but the Stock's not

the company yeah but the Stock's not worth anything I'll be right

back hello I'm dog and welcome to Shams scams and flim flams in review today our

scams and flim flams in review today our Round Table of financial experts include

Round Table of financial experts include Vlad Corfu financial planner for the

Vlad Corfu financial planner for the firm of Draymond Hal and Corfu welcome

firm of Draymond Hal and Corfu welcome my next guest is is a pension fund

my next guest is is a pension fund manager for pogram Investments trailer

manager for pogram Investments trailer Baron our next guest runs her own

Baron our next guest runs her own investment firm hey it's me Investments

investment firm hey it's me Investments Esther bester and my final guest is a

Esther bester and my final guest is a bear from the circus formerly from the

bear from the circus formerly from the woods do you have a name they call me

woods do you have a name they call me brownie okay let's talk about the market

brownie okay let's talk about the market what Market the stock market oh you had

what Market the stock market oh you had me worried there thought you meant the

me worried there thought you meant the white slave market of which I know

white slave market of which I know nothing does anybody care that I'm a

nothing does anybody care that I'm a bear I'm not thrilled if we good people

bear I'm not thrilled if we good people let's talk about the swirling rumors

let's talk about the swirling rumors surrounding a supposed takeover of

surrounding a supposed takeover of pathetic Management Incorporated has

pathetic Management Incorporated has anyone heard that rumor I heard a rumor

anyone heard that rumor I heard a rumor that everyone in that company's gay or

that everyone in that company's gay or at least bisexual I heard they kidnap

at least bisexual I heard they kidnap little children and drink their blood

little children and drink their blood from little plastic cups that they make

from little plastic cups that they make themselves from detergent bottles

themselves from detergent bottles anybody hear anything about the Takeover

anybody hear anything about the Takeover why are you looking at me I'm a bear

why are you looking at me I'm a bear he's just looking I swear to God I'll

he's just looking I swear to God I'll come over there and one swipe with my

come over there and one swipe with my claw and you will not have a face my

claw and you will not have a face my friend okay I have a poison dart gun you

friend okay I have a poison dart gun you won't know what hit you you won't be

won't know what hit you you won't be able to reload it fast enough before I

able to reload it fast enough before I rip you in half if I go down I'll take

rip you in half if I go down I'll take the rest of you with me okay that's it

the rest of you with me okay that's it what about the Takeover rumors people

what about the Takeover rumors people that's what I don't need this yeah do

that's what I don't need this yeah do you need a hideous scar across your

you need a hideous scar across your entire body listen Buster I'm the owner

entire body listen Buster I'm the owner of hay it's me Investments you keep

of hay it's me Investments you keep messing with me and it's going to be

messing with me and it's going to be called hey it was you you hear me you

called hey it was you you hear me you hear me okay you take that

back I believe we have a consensus follow dogbert's advice follow

consensus follow dogbert's advice follow dogbert's advice follow follow follow

dogbert's advice follow follow follow follow follow dog's advice we're off to

follow follow dog's advice we're off to spend the money Alice we have a

spend the money Alice we have a controlling interest in the company

controlling interest in the company we're both billionaires you'll be

we're both billionaires you'll be corrupted like the rest money is the

corrupted like the rest money is the root of all evil it eats you from the

root of all evil it eats you from the inside out until you die a slow and

inside out until you die a slow and lonely death I'll give you a billion

lonely death I'll give you a billion dollars in stock if you'll shut up deal

whatever you two did it boosted the stock to record highs you've made the

stock to record highs you've made the rich richer and given the chef to the

rich richer and given the chef to the small investors who bailed out too soon

small investors who bailed out too soon very evil good work thanks evil oh by

very evil good work thanks evil oh by the way there's a board meeting in half

the way there's a board meeting in half an hour as the company's major

an hour as the company's major stockholders it might be a good idea to

stockholders it might be a good idea to make an appearance for appearance sake

make an appearance for appearance sake will there be food food do the finest

will there be food food do the finest Donuts in the building sound like food

Donuts in the building sound like food to you Ambrosia from the gods Dilbert

to you Ambrosia from the gods Dilbert we've arrived

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] hey Gilbert do I have anything here

hey Gilbert do I have anything here that's the only spot you don't have

that's the only spot you don't have anything don't you want to earn these

anything don't you want to earn these people's respect we are these people so

people's respect we are these people so we only have to earn our own respect do

we only have to earn our own respect do you respect me no do you respect

you respect me no do you respect yourself no do you respect me are you

yourself no do you respect me are you kidding do you respect yourself not

kidding do you respect yourself not really all right let's just be quiet

really all right let's just be quiet gentlemen Gentlemen let's get things

gentlemen Gentlemen let's get things started I know we all want to get back

started I know we all want to get back to more pressing matters now the first

to more pressing matters now the first item on the agenda is to welcome our

item on the agenda is to welcome our newest board members and as of this

newest board members and as of this morning actual majority owners of the

morning actual majority owners of the company Dilbert and Wall-E I just wanted

company Dilbert and Wall-E I just wanted to say woo nice chip Harry thanks Roy

to say woo nice chip Harry thanks Roy mind if I play through go right ahead

I just wanted to say it's an honor to stand among such an esteemed and

stand among such an esteemed and August uh group and I hope Wally and I

August uh group and I hope Wally and I hey what's your handicap he doesn't know

hey what's your handicap he doesn't know when to shut

when to shut up doesn't know when to up oh you two

up doesn't know when to up oh you two are going to fit right in here and I'm

are going to fit right in here and I'm referring of course only to Wall-E next

referring of course only to Wall-E next order of business read back the minutes

order of business read back the minutes of the last meeting we gave each other

of the last meeting we gave each other stock options discussed ways to ignore

stock options discussed ways to ignore the needs of others and Hamilton had a

the needs of others and Hamilton had a racial joke thank you Bill now onto a

racial joke thank you Bill now onto a more pressing matter gentlemen and I say

more pressing matter gentlemen and I say gentlemen cuz there ain't no damn way a

gentlemen cuz there ain't no damn way a woman's going to sit on this board While

woman's going to sit on this board While I'm

I'm Alive what he was going to say was

Alive what he was going to say was apparently despite our best efforts the

apparently despite our best efforts the company is not losing money fast enough

company is not losing money fast enough excuse me did you just say the company

excuse me did you just say the company wasn't losing money fast enough jeez

wasn't losing money fast enough jeez Wally can't you rain this guy he's like

Wally can't you rain this guy he's like a loose cannon Gilbert will you stop

a loose cannon Gilbert will you stop embarrassing yourself if you read

embarrassing yourself if you read dogbert's book you'd know that a fast

dogbert's book you'd know that a fast growing company always loses money while

growing company always loses money while it's expanding we're not a fast growing

it's expanding we're not a fast growing company and we never will be if we don't

company and we never will be if we don't lose more money so uh suggestions on how

lose more money so uh suggestions on how we can lose money faster uh what if we

we can lose money faster uh what if we just well gave it to

me oh Wally you're a card this guy kills me next order of business we have to

me next order of business we have to select a new CEO as tradition dictates

select a new CEO as tradition dictates whosoever can remove this nine iron from

whosoever can remove this nine iron from the golf bag will be proclaimed chief

the golf bag will be proclaimed chief executive

executive [Music]

[Music] officer Wow first guy who tried just

officer Wow first guy who tried just like the other

times can I just say one thing yes but put his gag on

first can I just say one thing is it about golf not really not even

about golf not really not even peripherally no could you at least hold

peripherally no could you at least hold a golf club while you talk I guess so

a golf club while you talk I guess so Han a wedge

Han a wedge ra when I became a major stockholder of

ra when I became a major stockholder of this firm I felt it was my duty to

this firm I felt it was my duty to improve employee morale anyway I

improve employee morale anyway I searched my soul although I realized

searched my soul although I realized science doesn't accept its existence and

science doesn't accept its existence and I decided the best way to help the

I decided the best way to help the employees would be to introduce Flex

employees would be to introduce Flex time all in favor say

ah the resolution passes unanimously from now on all employees can make their

from now on all employees can make their own schedules you were a little too

own schedules you were a little too quick to

quick to agree I have my reasons chapter 8

agree I have my reasons chapter 8 screwing it

screwing it up Flex time you mean we can come and go

up Flex time you mean we can come and go as we please that's right from now on

as we please that's right from now on you're all masters of your own

[Music] I hope someone turned off the coffee

makers o this turned out even better than I expected you compassionate

than I expected you compassionate bastard you've ruined

[Applause] me

four they say no one ever faced death wishing they'd spent more time at the

wishing they'd spent more time at the office I guess I'm the first

Mother of Mercy take me home St Peter why hast Thou forsaken me because you

why hast Thou forsaken me because you were an atheist until you hit the

were an atheist until you hit the ground mental note next time find

ground mental note next time find religion

religion first welcome back we were talking about

first welcome back we were talking about rumors of the Takeover of the company

rumors of the Takeover of the company and the sudden and precipitous Plunge in

and the sudden and precipitous Plunge in share price following Dilbert's Flex

share price following Dilbert's Flex time announcement trailer I believe you

time announcement trailer I believe you had a few points

had a few points Vlad do you have anything to add ah it's

Vlad do you have anything to add ah it's burning it's burning so bad and not

burning it's burning so bad and not everyone would agree Esther apparently

everyone would agree Esther apparently you've spoken to officials at the

you've spoken to officials at the security Exchange Commission what do you

security Exchange Commission what do you see on the

horizon no I don't believe faces grow back but thanks and finally brownie the

back but thanks and finally brownie the bear is dead I want to thank animal

bear is dead I want to thank animal control for their quick action now I

control for their quick action now I have a stockholders meeting to attend

fortunately for me I am a long-term investor Mr chairman how can you explain

investor Mr chairman how can you explain the moves you've made that seem to be

the moves you've made that seem to be deliberate attempts to destroy pathetic

deliberate attempts to destroy pathetic Management Incorporated and send the

Management Incorporated and send the stock plummeting I don't have to answer

stock plummeting I don't have to answer to you of course you do we're the

to you of course you do we're the shareholders still you should have sold

shareholders still you should have sold hours ago it's all in my book on sale in

hours ago it's all in my book on sale in the lobby buy a copy as they kick you

the lobby buy a copy as they kick you out

I've owned a share of this company since my dear blessed Father rest his soul in

my dear blessed Father rest his soul in the sweet bosom of the Lord passed it on

the sweet bosom of the Lord passed it on to me on his deathbed you only own one

to me on his deathbed you only own one share of stock don't interrupt me I

share of stock don't interrupt me I would like to know why the company

would like to know why the company stopped making those lovely biscuits

stopped making those lovely biscuits with the pink sugar icing in the middle

with the pink sugar icing in the middle well I never care for them myself but

well I never care for them myself but they were my dear sweet father's

they were my dear sweet father's favorite bedtime treat every night he'd

favorite bedtime treat every night he'd pour himself a gigantic tumbler of sky

pour himself a gigantic tumbler of sky scch and eat 20 or 30 of those biscuits

scch and eat 20 or 30 of those biscuits until he collapsed on the kitchen floor

until he collapsed on the kitchen floor screaming for his insulin and then

screaming for his insulin and then mother would put it in a tissue box and

mother would put it in a tissue box and bury it in the backyard okay we're just

bury it in the backyard okay we're just about out of time here I'm not finished

about out of time here I'm not finished your filthy

your filthy little over you'll be dragging back a

little over you'll be dragging back a bloody by the way as of this moment the

bloody by the way as of this moment the stock is worth about 610 of a cent

stock is worth about 610 of a cent anybody who wants to get out before

anybody who wants to get out before being totally bankrupt I'm offering 3/10

being totally bankrupt I'm offering 3/10 of a cent per share

Wally what should we do Wally you boys really screwed up a good thing now that

really screwed up a good thing now that my filthy riches are gone I'm just

my filthy riches are gone I'm just filthy nobody wants that

filthy nobody wants that nobody Wally where have you been I had

nobody Wally where have you been I had to transact some business wow that was

to transact some business wow that was exciting that buying frenzy sent the

exciting that buying frenzy sent the stock back up to a new all-time high

stock back up to a new all-time high buying frenzy I thought it was a selling

buying frenzy I thought it was a selling frenzy you're one frenzy behind hey we

frenzy you're one frenzy behind hey we didn't sell we're still the majority

didn't sell we're still the majority shareholders and we're billionaires

shareholders and we're billionaires again we're hanging in there right Wally

again we're hanging in there right Wally old buddy I sold everything while the

old buddy I sold everything while the old lady was belly aching w-e it was in

old lady was belly aching w-e it was in the book that's right it's all in the

the book that's right it's all in the last chapter congratulations you're

last chapter congratulations you're broke well I'm glad I didn't sell

broke well I'm glad I didn't sell actually you did you ought to change the

actually you did you ought to change the password on your brokerage account this

password on your brokerage account this sort of thing wouldn't

sort of thing wouldn't happen if everyone sold their stock I

happen if everyone sold their stock I wonder who bought it all

wonder who bought it all [Music]

wow there's no traffic yeah that Flex time really works so now that you own

time really works so now that you own the company what are you going to do oh

the company what are you going to do oh I guess you haven't heard

I guess you haven't heard what

what K music Mak you D okay ow we're so

K music Mak you D okay ow we're so distorted you can't even tell what I'm

saying I changed the pr I can see

I can see that ah here we go and in business news

that ah here we go and in business news it's official entrepreneur investment

it's official entrepreneur investment Guru dogbert has sold his controlling

Guru dogbert has sold his controlling interest in dog bird Incorporated for

interest in dog bird Incorporated for $100

$100 billion not quite that much there's no

billion not quite that much there's no word on what the new company will be

word on what the new company will be named Hey look

oh You Haven't Seen the Last of Me buddy reset my radio haunt you down I will not

reset my radio haunt you down I will not rest until I see you offer for what

rest until I see you offer for what you've done to me I will nightmare you

you've done to me I will nightmare you you

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] H let's see name dog BT height varies

H let's see name dog BT height varies depending on my speed relative to The

depending on my speed relative to The Observer wait is a sensation caused by

Observer wait is a sensation caused by the gravitational warping of space

the gravitational warping of space time age H according to Einstein time is

time age H according to Einstein time is merely a persistant illusion take that

merely a persistant illusion take that what are you doing I'm applying for a

what are you doing I'm applying for a slot on the space shuttle I think a lot

slot on the space shuttle I think a lot of these are trick questions what

of these are trick questions what qualifications do you have to fly on the

qualifications do you have to fly on the space shuttle none but strangely enough

space shuttle none but strangely enough that doesn't disqualify me

that doesn't disqualify me [Music]

[Music] that's it I think I've done it that's

that's it I think I've done it that's not the word on the street no I've been

not the word on the street no I've been trying to achieve the perfect ratio of

trying to achieve the perfect ratio of mango flavored hyper juice to Water by

mango flavored hyper juice to Water by shining a laser through it and measuring

shining a laser through it and measuring its absorption rate I think I've done it

its absorption rate I think I've done it there's one small nothing for mankind

there's one small nothing for mankind have you tried following the directions

have you tried following the directions on the back

on the back [Music]

ow now look what you did I think you better put that

did I think you better put that [Music]

[Music] away what's really bothering you nothing

away what's really bothering you nothing something's bothering you no it's not

something's bothering you no it's not come on no really spit it out oh all

come on no really spit it out oh all right if you must know wow sometimes I

right if you must know wow sometimes I amaze

amaze myself today we start the most

myself today we start the most frustrating phase of product development

frustrating phase of product development test the Prototype ah so you're riddled

test the Prototype ah so you're riddled with insecurities about your performance

with insecurities about your performance no maybe you should be the test engineer

no maybe you should be the test engineer assigned to my prototype is a legend his

assigned to my prototype is a legend his name is Bob bastard oh you better throw

name is Bob bastard oh you better throw in the towel look dog bird I spent a lot

in the towel look dog bird I spent a lot of time working on this product the

of time working on this product the gruntmaster 6000 is my baby even though

gruntmaster 6000 is my baby even though it Bears no resemblance to what I

it Bears no resemblance to what I originally

originally conceived are you listening to any of

conceived are you listening to any of this you conceived a baby but it Bears

this you conceived a baby but it Bears no resemblance to

no resemblance to you

you peer here drink

ch [Music]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] Dilbert I want you to know I have the

Dilbert I want you to know I have the utmost confidence in you and your team

utmost confidence in you and your team you do I do what never mind

you do I do what never mind hi guys sorry I'm

late I stopped off at Starbucks wow Bob bastard what's with

Starbucks wow Bob bastard what's with the mask yeah I've got to ask him where

the mask yeah I've got to ask him where he bought it it's so sad what

mask I believe you're on fire oh you got that right what a showoff can't he just

that right what a showoff can't he just walk in the door like everybody else

walk in the door like everybody else Dilbert black no sugar Wall-E cream with

Dilbert black no sugar Wall-E cream with sugar boss decaf with equal

sugar boss decaf with equal Alice Cafe

you it's nice to meet you Mr bastard my father's Mr bastard I'm Bob no coffee

father's Mr bastard I'm Bob no coffee for you Bob no oh I'm so jacked up my

for you Bob no oh I'm so jacked up my head's ready to

explode Dilbert slurping is so rude but it's hot I hate slurping that's what

it's hot I hate slurping that's what broke up my marriage if you ever do that

broke up my marriage if you ever do that in front of me again I will throw that

in front of me again I will throw that hot coffee in your face and you can

hot coffee in your face and you can slurp it through your pores you hear me

slurp it through your pores you hear me do you

do you whoa as if I could slurp through my

whoa as if I could slurp through my pores well now that that's all settled

pores well now that that's all settled let the testing

let the testing [Laughter]

[Laughter] [Music]

begin first the rock and roll test to determine the prototype's ability to

determine the prototype's ability to withstand differing levels of seismic

activity I tell you Bob you're like a celebrity around here grotesque and evil

celebrity around here grotesque and evil yet famous and surprisingly polite de a

yet famous and surprisingly polite de a golf excuse me I'm working the man is

working have you heard their last CD wild stuff

maybe it's me but I just don't see it's you

[Laughter] sorry my friends but it's better to find

sorry my friends but it's better to find the problems now than to send a

the problems now than to send a defective product into the market to

defective product into the market to shatter the lives of innocent

shatter the lives of innocent people well it's a gray

he's like a wounded bird a vulture but still that's a

still that's a [Music]

[Music] bird you're going into space good

bird you're going into space good observation potato boy I'll send you a

observation potato boy I'll send you a postcard I don't think you can send a

postcard I don't think you can send a postcard from outer space Oh it can be

postcard from outer space Oh it can be done but you might see a little jump in

done but you might see a little jump in your next tax bill what are you planning

your next tax bill what are you planning on doing with my

on doing with my laser did you know there no laws in

a little to the left no uh a little to the right now a

left no uh a little to the right now a little to the left my left or your left

little to the left my left or your left what's the difference my left is your

what's the difference my left is your right and your right is my left just put

right and your right is my left just put it down ah there's Wall-E hey Wall-E

it down ah there's Wall-E hey Wall-E could you give me a hey Bob how's it

could you give me a hey Bob how's it going Wall-E he called me w-e that's

going Wall-E he called me w-e that's your name there's no call for bitterness

I'm not worried this prototype is designed to withstand temperatures up to

designed to withstand temperatures up to 5,000 de wow that's almost enough to

5,000 de wow that's almost enough to boil

boil [Music]

water I know you Alice you push people away afraid they might see you as you

away afraid they might see you as you really are you scare me Bob you scare

really are you scare me Bob you scare the pesas out of me but in a good way

the pesas out of me but in a good way hold that thought babe let me destroy a

hold that thought babe let me destroy a dream and I'll get right back to

dream and I'll get right back to you I will now subject the prototype to

you I will now subject the prototype to the next phase of Environmental

the next phase of Environmental Testing exposure to extreme

Testing exposure to extreme [Music]

yes yes did you see that dber did you see it oh boy I've got goosebumps or

see it oh boy I've got goosebumps or some other strange growths would anyone

some other strange growths would anyone like to join me in a toast to

failure to failure if anyone needs me I'll be in my

failure if anyone needs me I'll be in my cubicle dangling from a power strip all

cubicle dangling from a power strip all right

right good for you the astronauts now

good for you the astronauts now approaching the module looking Natty and

approaching the module looking Natty and spring-like in their white jumpsuits hey

spring-like in their white jumpsuits hey there's dogbert hey dogbert well I'm out

there's dogbert hey dogbert well I'm out of change I'll get you on the way back

of change I'll get you on the way back wait a minute that's my

wait a minute that's my wallet Wally what are you doing I'm not

wallet Wally what are you doing I'm not doing anything why are you dressed like

doing anything why are you dressed like that I'm not dressed like that you're

that I'm not dressed like that you're trying to look like him don't be

trying to look like him don't be ridiculous it's just that all my non Bob

ridiculous it's just that all my non Bob bastard imitation clothes are in the

bastard imitation clothes are in the laundry this is all I have left what

laundry this is all I have left what just happened to you are you in Bob

just happened to you are you in Bob bastard's camp now he has a camp

bastard's camp now he has a camp cool why do I try I think we make a

cool why do I try I think we make a terrific couple Alice you really think

terrific couple Alice you really think so no I'm just toying with your

so no I'm just toying with your emotions since I caught you in such a

emotions since I caught you in such a good mood can I borrow another 50 bucks

good mood can I borrow another 50 bucks another 50 oh forget it if you're going

another 50 oh forget it if you're going to lay some kind of trip on me I'll see

to lay some kind of trip on me I'll see you around no wait okay here

you around no wait okay here make that a hundred bucks I'm saving up

make that a hundred bucks I'm saving up for a new mask what do you mean you're

for a new mask what do you mean you're changing your name well seriously don't

changing your name well seriously don't you think it sounds good Wally bastard

you think it sounds good Wally bastard have you lost your mind you're worse

have you lost your mind you're worse than Alice Bob bastard is evil he is set

than Alice Bob bastard is evil he is set on destroying everything we hold dear

on destroying everything we hold dear here's my dress my

here's my dress my purse anything else yeah how about your

purse anything else yeah how about your car and your

car and your shoes

shoes okay can you give me a ride home

okay can you give me a ride home if the risk of sounding critical a

if the risk of sounding critical a little jogging wouldn't hurt you you're

little jogging wouldn't hurt you you're right see you tomorrow you're

right see you tomorrow you're suffocating me

Alice how come you gave Bob your car stop it just stop it Dilbert I've had

stop it just stop it Dilbert I've had just about enough of you trashing Bob

just about enough of you trashing Bob bastard he is not a bad man well he is

bastard he is not a bad man well he is but that's what makes him so

sexy I'm sorry Alice but he's the embodiment of all that's horrid and

embodiment of all that's horrid and loathsome in this world

loathsome in this world just because it's written on a bathroom

just because it's written on a bathroom wall doesn't mean it's true he wrote it

wall doesn't mean it's true he wrote it hey babe how about lending me a five

hey babe how about lending me a five sure works every

[Music] time oh sure we've been in touch with

time oh sure we've been in touch with Advanced alien Civilizations for years

Advanced alien Civilizations for years yeah they've opened their Laboratories

yeah they've opened their Laboratories to us any technology we

to us any technology we want hey hey how you

want hey hey how you doing Excuse

doing Excuse me yes Doug bird it's me me who me look

me yes Doug bird it's me me who me look this isn't a very good time I'm learning

this isn't a very good time I'm learning all the secrets of the universe hey guys

all the secrets of the universe hey guys would you keep it down I'm on long

would you keep it down I'm on long distance well here's one for you why do

distance well here's one for you why do women see the fact that I'm kind

women see the fact that I'm kind sensitive and caring as some sort of

sensitive and caring as some sort of weakness hey dogbird you want to see

weakness hey dogbird you want to see where Jean rotenberry is maybe later

where Jean rotenberry is maybe later fellas it's merely a function of

fellas it's merely a function of cultural conditioning that and the fact

cultural conditioning that and the fact that you look like the illegitimate

that you look like the illegitimate child of Bill Gates and the Pillsbury

child of Bill Gates and the Pillsbury dope

dope boy oh that had to that's a good one

boy oh that had to that's a good one that was

that was [Music]

[Music] cold do you have a moment I don't know

cold do you have a moment I don't know have you heard something I need to talk

have you heard something I need to talk to someone and believe me no one else is

to someone and believe me no one else is around oh well in that case I'll be

around oh well in that case I'll be heading out it's kind of important

heading out it's kind of important uh-huh uh-huh anyway the reason I called

uh-huh uh-huh anyway the reason I called you in here is I can't decide which of

you in here is I can't decide which of these lovely portraits to keep on my

these lovely portraits to keep on my desk and which to hang over my bed what

desk and which to hang over my bed what do you

do you think the I'm a free spirit who blows

think the I'm a free spirit who blows With the Wind Bob bastard or the I'm a

With the Wind Bob bastard or the I'm a sadistic nightmare who will watch over

sadistic nightmare who will watch over you as your sleep B bastard I sort of

you as your sleep B bastard I sort of like the first one

like the first one really well thanks for coming in dobert

really well thanks for coming in dobert but I I really need some time to myself

but I I really need some time to myself to think then meditate

is there something I can help you with how did you end up such a sadistic

how did you end up such a sadistic bastard

bastard anyway part of it has to do with the

anyway part of it has to do with the name but

there's more I wasn't always the bitter and

more I wasn't always the bitter and disfigured man you see before

disfigured man you see before you I was born Robert child ber out

you I was born Robert child ber out wedlock it's Icelandic but my parents

wedlock it's Icelandic but my parents changed it to bastard when I was

changed it to bastard when I was three there was a time when my peers

three there was a time when my peers considered me a courteous and affable

considered me a courteous and affable test

test [Music]

[Music] engineer hey Karen you you xeroxing

engineer hey Karen you you xeroxing something doofus thanks I was

something doofus thanks I was wondering if you're not busy after work

wondering if you're not busy after work do you want to go see escape from the

do you want to go see escape from the plan of the Apes you're asking me

out and as if that wasn't painful enough she told all her friends

I told you not to leave that there I was devastated and the world has never been

devastated and the world has never been the

the same somehow shattering people's hopes

same somehow shattering people's hopes and dreams felt good it felt

and dreams felt good it felt right and it wasn't without its

right and it wasn't without its perks hey Bob I'm having a Planet of the

perks hey Bob I'm having a Planet of the Apes Marathon over at my house care to

Apes Marathon over at my house care to join us oh yeah who's going to be there

join us oh yeah who's going to be there just me and a girlfriend who's very open

just me and a girlfriend who's very open to

to experimentation as you can see I'm

experimentation as you can see I'm simply the victim of society I can't

simply the victim of society I can't escape who I am any more than I can

escape who I am any more than I can escape my

[Music] shadow I hate slurping I hate slur slur

shadow I hate slurping I hate slur slur SL slur I'm sorry to take up so much of

SL slur I'm sorry to take up so much of your valuable time

your valuable time see you at the test site bring your

see you at the test site bring your safety

safety [Laughter]

[Laughter] goggles look I've worked very hard

goggles look I've worked very hard seeing the grunt Master 6000 through to

seeing the grunt Master 6000 through to this Final Phase of testing and I just

this Final Phase of testing and I just want to say how proud I am of myself now

want to say how proud I am of myself now if we can just get rid of that Chunk on

if we can just get rid of that Chunk on the field maybe we can start the tests

the field maybe we can start the tests uh that's the grunt Master 6000 really

uh that's the grunt Master 6000 really it's so big welcome to the final round

it's so big welcome to the final round of testing and the M of the grunt Master

6000 here you go Bob you'll want this for the trip tonight's test will be the

for the trip tonight's test will be the asteroid crash simulation test

asteroid crash simulation test [Music]

[Music] oh just out of curiosity how often does

oh just out of curiosity how often does an asteroid hit an exercise machine a

an asteroid hit an exercise machine a hit my

hit my StairMaster that's why I don't exercise

StairMaster that's why I don't exercise anymore

anymore [Music]

[Music] please deposit

please deposit $4,5

$4,5 7520

now what dog bir an asteroid is hurdling towards Earth and that would affect me

towards Earth and that would affect me how it's Bob bastard's final test it's

how it's Bob bastard's final test it's aimed at the gruntmaster in a few

aimed at the gruntmaster in a few minutes the Prototype will be destroyed

minutes the Prototype will be destroyed along with any chance of me being happy

along with any chance of me being happy there's a lot about you in this story

there's a lot about you in this story help

help me my a minute

me my a minute [Music]

[Music] please God help me crack this safe okay

please God help me crack this safe okay let's

see H Maybe uh here to the left you won't even feel the laser on your

won't even feel the laser on your [Music]

[Music] cornea now that is

cornea now that is embarrassing okay it's cited now where

embarrassing okay it's cited now where is that

asteroid we did it we're home free when you take the bandages off

free when you take the bandages off don't rip them off or he'll turn into a

don't rip them off or he'll turn into a charred

skeleton someday I'll look back at this and laugh yes I'm leasing now now it's

and laugh yes I'm leasing now now it's safe snug is a

bug when you want something done you have to do it yourself operate manual

have to do it yourself operate manual overdrive I was afraid of that let's see

overdrive I was afraid of that let's see I need to push the Prototype about 10 ft

I need to push the Prototype about 10 ft to get it out of the target

to get it out of the target [Music]

[Music] Zone let's rock Alice help me push this

Zone let's rock Alice help me push this thing are you nuts Bob would kill I mean

thing are you nuts Bob would kill I mean he wouldn't like

he wouldn't like that dber it wasn't me look

oh slurping gives me such great pleasure and the fact that Alice hates it arouses

and the fact that Alice hates it arouses [Music]

[Music] me bastard now will you help me push

me bastard now will you help me push this

this [Music]

[Music] thing oh

Poo it would be wrong to Simply stamp the Prototype approved

wow I have got to get me one of these space

space shuttles I just had the darn thing

[Applause] washed don't worry guys I won't say a

washed don't worry guys I won't say a word about the immortality serum so

word about the immortality serum so you're

you're welcome thanks dogbert you really bailed

welcome thanks dogbert you really bailed me out oh it's nothing you wouldn't have

me out oh it's nothing you wouldn't have done for me if you weren't you and I

done for me if you weren't you and I wasn't me and everything was completely

wasn't me and everything was completely different hey Bob how's it going shut up

different hey Bob how's it going shut up Bob Bob yes Alice where's my car

y [Music]

do you think normal people pack suitcases this way I'm an engineer not a

suitcases this way I'm an engineer not a normal person that's a lot of clothes

normal person that's a lot of clothes just to visit a sweat shop in elbonia

just to visit a sweat shop in elbonia it's not a sweat shop it's our overseas

it's not a sweat shop it's our overseas manufacturing facility look at the

manufacturing facility look at the company

company newsletter see they're all

newsletter see they're all smiling and your assignment is to make

smiling and your assignment is to make them stop if you must know my team's

them stop if you must know my team's being sent there to oversee quality

being sent there to oversee quality control on the production of my pride

control on the production of my pride and joy the gruntmaster

and joy the gruntmaster 6000 well while you're there maybe you

6000 well while you're there maybe you can help them develop a written language

can help them develop a written language you're living in the past my furry

you're living in the past my furry friend capitalism has transformed

friend capitalism has transformed elbonia the economy is burgeoning

elbonia the economy is burgeoning nothing like slave labor to perk up the

nothing like slave labor to perk up the [Music]

[Music] economy they're making many

economy they're making many advances for instance did you realize

advances for instance did you realize the leading cause of death in alonia is

the leading cause of death in alonia is no longer black

no longer black plague oh really what

plague oh really what is here we go it's self-inflicted

is here we go it's self-inflicted gunshot wounds must be a

typo excuse [Music]

[Music] me what are you doing I'm rattling the

me what are you doing I'm rattling the cans people expect it can I ask you a

cans people expect it can I ask you a question as long as it's Refuge related

question as long as it's Refuge related oh it is what are the odds that dilber

oh it is what are the odds that dilber can visit a factory in elbonia and

can visit a factory in elbonia and return alive

return alive oh I'd say 73 to1 against 90 to1 if he

oh I'd say 73 to1 against 90 to1 if he flies on elbon Airlines 300 to1 if he

flies on elbon Airlines 300 to1 if he uses the bathroom in the plane that's

uses the bathroom in the plane that's about what I figured Dilbert's only hope

about what I figured Dilbert's only hope is to remain objective and ignore the

is to remain objective and ignore the plight of the elbonian people if he or

plight of the elbonian people if he or any member of his team gets involved in

any member of his team gets involved in their Internal Affairs or

their Internal Affairs or culture well I'd rather not think about

it that's a problem he likes to fix things well in that case you'll need the

things well in that case you'll need the help of someone who's incapable of

help of someone who's incapable of sympathy someone so cynical that the

sympathy someone so cynical that the suffering of others is nothing but a

suffering of others is nothing but a source of cheap entertainment all right

source of cheap entertainment all right I'll go I have something that might help

I'll go I have something that might help you

here by the way what's the weather like in alonia this time of year why are you

in alonia this time of year why are you so suddenly interested in elbonia oh I

so suddenly interested in elbonia oh I have my

have my reasons h

reasons h a license to Kill it's better we can

a license to Kill it's better we can steal too

steal too [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

elbonian enjoy skiing all year round except when they're sipping hot totties

except when they're sipping hot totties at the Chalet

at the Chalet cheers then it Surfs Up along one of

cheers then it Surfs Up along one of elbonia many pristine beaches awesome

elbonia many pristine beaches awesome dude you'll find five of the seven Great

dude you'll find five of the seven Great Wonders of the World all within easy

Wonders of the World all within easy access by shuttle bus and when you're

access by shuttle bus and when you're done the whole family can relax at our

done the whole family can relax at our world famous casinos and don't forget

world famous casinos and don't forget mud wrestling hey no fighting dirty in

mud wrestling hey no fighting dirty in elbonia we never close and so from Sunny

elbonia we never close and so from Sunny snowy culturally enriched onia we bid

snowy culturally enriched onia we bid you Tata that's elbonian for

you Tata that's elbonian for Tata how the heck does this thing work

Tata how the heck does this thing work where's the needle there is no needle no

where's the needle there is no needle no wonder I can't turn it

off yes he's not here was it for me no are you sure elbonia is the best place

are you sure elbonia is the best place to take my vacation have I ever lied to

to take my vacation have I ever lied to you and later been detected when I went

you and later been detected when I went to Mexico you told me to drink Dr as

to Mexico you told me to drink Dr as much of the water as I could that's the

much of the water as I could that's the exception that proves the rule that what

exception that proves the rule that what that is I'll book your flight to alonia

that is I'll book your flight to alonia thank you when you get there remember to

thank you when you get there remember to wear lots of jewelry and walk around

wear lots of jewelry and walk around alone at

alone at [Music]

night isn't this exciting I said isn't this exciting I

exciting I said isn't this exciting I couldn't hear he you I was listening to

couldn't hear he you I was listening to the audio program the sound of

screaming I don't know why it takes three of us to inspect one elbonian

three of us to inspect one elbonian Factory we're a team besides I thought

Factory we're a team besides I thought you like getting out of the office you

you like getting out of the office you don't know me as well as you think this

don't know me as well as you think this is the first time I've ever flown first

is the first time I've ever flown first class kind of spoils you I feel sorry

class kind of spoils you I feel sorry for those people in

for those people in [Music]

[Music] coach I wonder what the movie is

coach I wonder what the movie is [Applause]

that is our notorious prison of No Escape and that is our world famous

Escape and that is our world famous Health

spot I don't know why but I feel a mystical connection to this

mystical connection to this place mud pie good

place mud pie good [Music]

the mud is calling me I'll see you [Music]

[Music] later we're here where welcome to the

later we're here where welcome to the hotel Elon

hotel Elon [Music]

sorry you can't park there diplomatic immunity my

immunity my friend now tear up the

friend now tear up the ticket now eat it now regurgitate

ticket now eat it now regurgitate it good wow just because you're a

it good wow just because you're a diplomat you can park anywhere you want

diplomat you can park anywhere you want that's nothing watch this gun

[Music] now dance for your Diplomat

now dance for your Diplomat [Music]

[Music] Dance Now River

Dance Now River [Music]

[Music] Dance how did you become the Diplomat to

Dance how did you become the Diplomat to alonia I was the only one who applied

alonia I was the only one who applied for the job this isn't exactly Monaco

for the job this isn't exactly Monaco diplomatic

diplomatic [Music]

immunity with all due respect the natives in my country are A Primitive

natives in my country are A Primitive and superstitious people they believe

and superstitious people they believe that every time you take their picture

that every time you take their picture you take their soul gotcha smile oh what

you take their soul gotcha smile oh what did I just tell you hey

did I just tell you hey hi what an oddl looking people it's us

hi what an oddl looking people it's us from work remember if only I spoke your

from work remember if only I spoke your language do you know where the pool is

language do you know where the pool is the pool swimmy

the pool swimmy swimmy ignorant logs

swimmy ignorant logs [Music]

[Music] wow the grunt Master

wow the grunt Master 6000 that's the first one off the

6000 that's the first one off the assembly

assembly line my

line my [Music]

[Music] prototype and this is where we house the

prototype and this is where we house the generators that power the

generators that power the factory as you can see incentive

factory as you can see incentive programs motivate our workers to put

programs motivate our workers to put forth their best efforts why don't they

forth their best efforts why don't they get off the B goes and walk around to

get off the B goes and walk around to get the pork

get the pork chop shut up that's crazy talk don't

chop shut up that's crazy talk don't listen to

listen to her these working conditions are

her these working conditions are appalling our appalling working

appalling our appalling working conditions are second to

conditions are second to none and over here is where the main

none and over here is where the main housing for the grunt Master is

forged shouldn't there be a guard rail around that guard

around that guard rail what is this in amusement park hey

rail what is this in amusement park hey you stupid lazy lefties shows over back

you stupid lazy lefties shows over back to work lefties yes of course that's all

to work lefties yes of course that's all they're good for if it wasn't for the

they're good for if it wasn't for the right man these lefties would have

right man these lefties would have nothing they'd still be sitting in the

nothing they'd still be sitting in the mud right people founded this country we

mud right people founded this country we built this country up from small mud

built this country up from small mud hole to a gigantic mud hole we made this

hole to a gigantic mud hole we made this country V it is God bless right elbon so

country V it is God bless right elbon so where do all the right people work in

management and this is where the grunt Master is actually

Master is actually [Music]

assembled as you can see our daycare facilities are second to

facilities are second to none

none oh you can't put babies to work on an

oh you can't put babies to work on an assembly line these are not the babies

assembly line these are not the babies the toddlers oh you're coming home with

the toddlers oh you're coming home with me I didn't know you wanted children

me I didn't know you wanted children Alice it didn't until this

Alice it didn't until this moment how about

now are those people dead technically yes but that's no excuse get to work you

yes but that's no excuse get to work you lazy

lazy corpse I've never seen anything so

corpse I've never seen anything so barbaric how can the lefties tolerate it

barbaric how can the lefties tolerate it we have an excellent benefits plan like

we have an excellent benefits plan like what if you die you get time off to

what if you die you get time off to attend your funeral that's it and the

attend your funeral that's it and the salary of five grobnik a month that's

salary of five grobnik a month that's less than a penny I beg your pardon it's

less than a penny I beg your pardon it's much less than a penny our motto is that

much less than a penny our motto is that work is its own

work is its own [Music]

[Music] reward here you go little fella open

reward here you go little fella open wide

wide [Music]

we've got to do something about the factory conditions I'd love to help but

factory conditions I'd love to help but I've got a baby to take care of all

I've got a baby to take care of all right I just don't want to okay so as I

right I just don't want to okay so as I was saying your Excellency we're very

was saying your Excellency we're very proud to have the grunt Master Built in

proud to have the grunt Master Built in alonia but the working conditions in the

alonia but the working conditions in the factory are abysmal a what abysmal I've

factory are abysmal a what abysmal I've never heard of that word uncontable no

never heard of that word uncontable no heinous

heinous mm-m h

mm-m h [Music]

[Music] what you seem to lean left my

friend check [Music]

[Music] please the ancient barrial lumps are

please the ancient barrial lumps are closed I'm not here for the tour I'm

closed I'm not here for the tour I'm looting diplomatic

looting diplomatic immunity oh have a nice

day I can't believe no one wanted this job it rained for 40 days and 40 nights

job it rained for 40 days and 40 nights and then naturally there was a ton of

and then naturally there was a ton of mud and that's the story of Noah's

mud and that's the story of Noah's mud tomorrow Adam and Eve and the garden

mud tomorrow Adam and Eve and the garden of mud w-e I need your help old helpful

of mud w-e I need your help old helpful Wally doesn't doesn't exist anymore

Wally doesn't doesn't exist anymore Dilbert this is my life now Dilbert I am

Dilbert this is my life now Dilbert I am one with the mud I am the mud the mud is

one with the mud I am the mud the mud is me I'm naked and I'm muddy and I'm Wally

me I'm naked and I'm muddy and I'm Wally and it's all the same from mud I came

and it's all the same from mud I came and to mud I have returned you came from

and to mud I have returned you came from mud I don't know whatever Wally you

mud I don't know whatever Wally you can't spend your life in the mud

can't spend your life in the mud surrender to the elbonian mud Dilbert

surrender to the elbonian mud Dilbert there's no right and wrong just shades

there's no right and wrong just shades of brown

of brown [Music]

[Music] have you filled out the forms

yes uh-oh what it says here that you are right-handed so the official alboni and

right-handed so the official alboni and adoption policy does not permit mixed

adoption policy does not permit mixed arm preference adoptions it is not fair

arm preference adoptions it is not fair to the child I switch hit and softball

to the child I switch hit and softball let's hope that's

let's hope that's [Music]

[Music] enough now fil the out

enough now fil the out [Music]

[Music] hi don't mind me we are the elbonian

hi don't mind me we are the elbonian left-handed Liberation Front and slow

left-handed Liberation Front and slow pitch softball team maybe we should talk

pitch softball team maybe we should talk I think that's what we're doing I mean

I think that's what we're doing I mean we should talk about your working

we should talk about your working conditions we can talk during the break

conditions we can talk during the break when's that

there it is how can you work like this why don't you demand better working

why don't you demand better working conditions what can we do the world is

conditions what can we do the world is stacked against the left-handed people

stacked against the left-handed people the books are right-handed the staplers

the books are right-handed the staplers are right-handed the discs tape bottles

are right-handed the discs tape bottles phones I'm pretty sure you can use any

phones I'm pretty sure you can use any of those things with either hand that's

of those things with either hand that's what they want you to think you know if

what they want you to think you know if you're going to change anything you're

you're going to change anything you're going to have to

going to have to organize now you've lost us you know

organize now you've lost us you know form a union it's called collective

form a union it's called collective bargaining if your demands aren't met

bargaining if your demands aren't met you forget about that no you strike you

you forget about that no you strike you refuse to work until you get better

refuse to work until you get better [Music]

[Music] conditions we'll do it we'll follow your

conditions we'll do it we'll follow your leadership and

leadership and strike and when the righties execute you

strike and when the righties execute you we will make small plastic statues in

we will make small plastic statues in your

your likeness look at them look at them

likeness look at them look at them slaving away like Pac mules this will

slaving away like Pac mules this will make a great shot hey everybody wave at

make a great shot hey everybody wave at the camera

[Music] okay you know I'm standing right in

okay you know I'm standing right in front of you okay here's my final offer

front of you okay here's my final offer designated smoke brakes for anyone who

designated smoke brakes for anyone who catches fire take it or leave it that's

catches fire take it or leave it that's an insult these people are dedicated

an insult these people are dedicated committed serious they're not going to

committed serious they're not going to cave in no matter how much pressure is

cave in no matter how much pressure is brought to bear they will not return to

brought to bear they will not return to work until their demands are met arrest

work until their demands are met arrest him okay back to

him okay back to [Music]

[Music] work you will be read your rights given

work you will be read your rights given a fair trial then

a fair trial then executed on second thought since we have

executed on second thought since we have no rights and we have no courts let's go

no rights and we have no courts let's go to the execution Bob yes

to the execution Bob yes Excellency they're ready they Aim

the execution of Dilbert will continue after these messages hello every day

after these messages hello every day alboni and babies go completely unshaven

alboni and babies go completely unshaven simply because they are left-handed

simply because they are left-handed won't you please stop

won't you please stop it stop it cute aren't

it stop it cute aren't they for only one grub Nick a day let me

they for only one grub Nick a day let me see that there now it's gone forever

see that there now it's gone forever [Applause]

that's it you're on your own um send your grubiks to shave the children PO

your grubiks to shave the children PO Box 6 elbonia remember a child shut up

Box 6 elbonia remember a child shut up the old ways are the best ways okay

the old ways are the best ways okay Dilbert this time we're ready for you no

Dilbert this time we're ready for you no tricks no one survives the giant

tricks no one survives the giant mudball I did shut up move bit out of

mudball I did shut up move bit out of the way Diplomat coming Licensed to

the way Diplomat coming Licensed to Kill diplomatic immunity that's right

Kill diplomatic immunity that's right now give me your clothes

now give me your clothes bam as the new dictator of elbonia I've

bam as the new dictator of elbonia I've decided to make a few changes around

decided to make a few changes around here and make no mistake about it these

here and make no mistake about it these are changes for change sake he's free

are changes for change sake he's free and all the workers demands are hereby

and all the workers demands are hereby met

[Music] we're free free at last a sweet

[Music] Freedom good to see

Freedom good to see you come right

you come right in right this way hey welcome come on in

in right this way hey welcome come on in good

[Music] to hey what's going on why is everyone

to hey what's going on why is everyone leaving you just got here the factory is

leaving you just got here the factory is automated they don't need us now we've

automated they don't need us now we've been downsized to how many

one um can somebody show me how to work this

this thing and then Lot's wife looked back

thing and then Lot's wife looked back and zap she turned into a pile of mud

and zap she turned into a pile of mud the man is a genius of visionary I have

the man is a genius of visionary I have to get a picture say

[Music] thank you for saving my life even though

thank you for saving my life even though it wasn't in danger I just couldn't

it wasn't in danger I just couldn't picture you as the official martyr of

picture you as the official martyr of elbonia I was only trying to do the

elbonia I was only trying to do the right thing a misguided exercise at best

what are you doing I'm taking the mud why cuz I've taken everything else

why cuz I've taken everything else that's cruel no that's diplomacy let my

that's cruel no that's diplomacy let my friend Henry here explain it to you

friend Henry here explain it to you hello Dilbert in the world of real

hello Dilbert in the world of real politic you must see that the

politic you must see that the infrastructure of alonia was built on

infrastructure of alonia was built on mud in a global economy this is the

mud in a global economy this is the equivalent of economic suicide thus in

equivalent of economic suicide thus in order to save alonia it must be Dem

order to save alonia it must be Dem mudded dog birth was doing the only

mudded dog birth was doing the only logical thing oh of course now I see you

logical thing oh of course now I see you do

do yes I don't even know what I'm talking

yes I don't even know what I'm talking about but for some reason it drives the

about but for some reason it drives the chicks wild when I talk this

way oh great Mudman how do you explain this is it a sign from above more like a

this is it a sign from above more like a sign from

sign from below freaking little mud

below freaking little mud boy here I am buying trinkets from one

boy here I am buying trinkets from one of the Native

of the Native Merchants here I am relaxing by the pool

Merchants here I am relaxing by the pool with some of the natives here I am

with some of the natives here I am flying home accompanied by a group of

flying home accompanied by a group of vacationing elbonian and here I am back

vacationing elbonian and here I am back at

at work by the way I'm pleased to announce

work by the way I'm pleased to announce that the production of the grunt master

that the production of the grunt master in elbonia has far exceeded our

in elbonia has far exceeded our expectations we can officially now

expectations we can officially now classify elbonia no longer a

classify elbonia no longer a poverty-stricken fourth world country

poverty-stricken fourth world country but a poverty stricken 3 and 3/4 world

but a poverty stricken 3 and 3/4 world country it is my fervent hope to some

country it is my fervent hope to some day visit this exotic

day visit this exotic [Music]

[Music] land hello I'm dog bird and welcome to L

land hello I'm dog bird and welcome to L elbonia where gambling and prostitution

elbonia where gambling and prostitution isn't just legal it's mandatory and this

isn't just legal it's mandatory and this week only at the Caesars elbonia the

week only at the Caesars elbonia the song stylings of Henry kisser

Las elbonia yea

elbonia yea [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

shouldn't you be at work by now and you're dehumanizing little cubicle

you're dehumanizing little cubicle squatting in quiet desperation I've got

squatting in quiet desperation I've got a

a cold IE the wussiest of all illnesses

cold IE the wussiest of all illnesses come on get dressed and go to work you

come on get dressed and go to work you know I like to have the house to myself

know I like to have the house to myself in the late morning I hate when people

in the late morning I hate when people go to work sick all they do is hack and

go to work sick all they do is hack and cough and spread their germs and infect

cough and spread their germs and infect everyone

else just to be safe it might be a good time to update your

will I Dilbert being of sound mind and sound body I can't sign this my body

sound body I can't sign this my body isn't sound typo

sound mind and round body it's just a cold and I'm this close to finding the

cold and I'm this close to finding the Cure look I've already isolated the

Cure look I've already isolated the virus you mean bacteria that's a common

virus you mean bacteria that's a common misconception colds are caused by

misconception colds are caused by viruses bacteria are microorganisms that

viruses bacteria are microorganisms that contain no chlorophyll and multiply by

contain no chlorophyll and multiply by simple division while viruses are

simple division while viruses are parasitic polynucleotides surrounded by

parasitic polynucleotides surrounded by a layer of protein which are unable to

a layer of protein which are unable to reproduce without invading a host cell

reproduce without invading a host cell well you got a big old brain brain on

well you got a big old brain brain on you this microscopic nuclear powered

you this microscopic nuclear powered intravenous probe seeks out the cold

intravenous probe seeks out the cold virus and destroys it with a highly

virus and destroys it with a highly focused Sonic

Blast okay I don't usually like to do this but I feel sorry for you on so many

this but I feel sorry for you on so many levels here this will cure you

levels here this will cure you immediately really what is it a placebo

immediately really what is it a placebo a placebo now that you told me it's a

a placebo now that you told me it's a placebo it's not going to work it will

placebo it's not going to work it will if you think it will but I already know

if you think it will but I already know it's a placebo maybe it isn't you just

it's a placebo maybe it isn't you just said it

said it was that's precisely the power of the

was that's precisely the power of the placebo no thanks I'll try my

placebo no thanks I'll try my [Music]

ch ch [Music]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] so according to the market research the

so according to the market research the people most likely to buy our

people most likely to buy our gruntmaster 6000 product are the same

gruntmaster 6000 product are the same group who are most likely to buy UFO

group who are most likely to buy UFO Abduction Insurance maybe we could

Abduction Insurance maybe we could package

them Alice you're sick go home I'm not sick you're sick no I was sick now I'm

sick you're sick no I was sick now I'm fine oh good for you

it's your fault you gave it to me yeah well you gave it to me before that well

well you gave it to me before that well you gave it to me before that well you

you gave it to me before that well you gave it to me you know we've been

gave it to me you know we've been passing the same cold back and forth for

passing the same cold back and forth for 7 years well you started it it's these

7 years well you started it it's these cubicles this wouldn't happen if we all

cubicles this wouldn't happen if we all had offices with doors or at least if I

had offices with doors or at least if I did can I have your sick days are you

did can I have your sick days are you coming down with something no but why

coming down with something no but why waste a sick day when you're sick

waste a sick day when you're sick because you're sick well I'd rather be

because you're sick well I'd rather be sick at the office they have soup and

sick at the office they have soup and tea and nobody bugs me besides I'm

tea and nobody bugs me besides I'm saving up six days I've got nearly uh

saving up six days I've got nearly uh 12,000 one day I'll have enough to call

12,000 one day I'll have enough to call in sick until I retire I'll trade you

in sick until I retire I'll trade you one of my sick days for a carton of

one of my sick days for a carton of sticky notes it'll appear on your desk

sticky notes it'll appear on your desk tomorrow I'll give you my sick day for a

tomorrow I'll give you my sick day for a box of binder clips and some tape done

box of binder clips and some tape done and

and [Music]

[Music] done if I had my own office I would just

done if I had my own office I would just lock the door during cold season and

lock the door during cold season and never come out what about going to the

never come out what about going to the bathroom you know what I mean no I doubt

bathroom you know what I mean no I doubt what's the difference you'll never have

what's the difference you'll never have an office in this company or any other

an office in this company or any other ever you're an eded ear I can still

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

dream look at this it's a mind field of germs a oh my

germs a oh my [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

good lovely day isn't it anyway as you may have

may have heard especially

heard especially you 40% of our Workforce has dropped

you 40% of our Workforce has dropped dead from some sort of mysterious

dead from some sort of mysterious illness the heartier folks have just

illness the heartier folks have just turned into hideous mutants we don't

turned into hideous mutants we don't know what's causing

know what's causing it but we have some

it but we have some hunches funny be that as it may the

hunches funny be that as it may the names of these Valiant employees who

names of these Valiant employees who died for some reason that cannot be

died for some reason that cannot be conclusively linked to workplace hazards

conclusively linked to workplace hazards have been engraved on the marble wall

have been engraved on the marble wall you see behind

you see behind [Applause]

[Applause] us then their sacrifice is an

us then their sacrifice is an inspiration to us all not to mention a

inspiration to us all not to mention a cost savings that goes directly to the

cost savings that goes directly to the bottom

I I've lost my voice finally God sorry son I couldn't hear

son I couldn't hear you oh me at this time it gives me great

you oh me at this time it gives me great pleasure

pleasure to do

to do this it also gives me great pleasure to

this it also gives me great pleasure to introduce the owner of dogbert's private

introduce the owner of dogbert's private Environmental Protection Agency

him my Research indicates that there are abnormal levels of insect feal matter

abnormal levels of insect feal matter present throughout this building and as

present throughout this building and as the black light reveals Even In This

the black light reveals Even In This Very Room

Very Room [Music]

the highest concentrations of insect F matter were found to be present on

matter were found to be present on [Music]

[Music] Wall-E

gross I can't see get away from me take a shower you're disgusting it's not my

a shower you're disgusting it's not my fault that flies like me so the insect

fault that flies like me so the insect feal matters making us sick no but I

feal matters making us sick no but I thought it was an interesting side note

thought it was an interesting side note unfortunately this building like

unfortunately this building like everything that's ever existed in the

everything that's ever existed in the history of the universe is is dying

history of the universe is is dying we're doing what we can to make its last

we're doing what we can to make its last hours

clear I have two recommendations either which I can feel more strongly about

which I can feel more strongly about based purely on the size of my fee one

based purely on the size of my fee one is to keep the building on life support

is to keep the building on life support indefinitely and watch more people

indefinitely and watch more people mutate and die what if I just pretend to

mutate and die what if I just pretend to watch what's the other choice to build a

watch what's the other choice to build a brand new incredibly over budgeted

brand new incredibly over budgeted ill-conceived

ill-conceived headquarters Excuse me while I weigh

headquarters Excuse me while I weigh those very uh weighty

means excuse me can I see you can't you have I become invisible no woo you had

have I become invisible no woo you had me scared for a minute

me scared for a minute there I don't understand every day I

there I don't understand every day I water this silk tree but it hasn't grown

water this silk tree but it hasn't grown an inch it's not a tree that grows silk

an inch it's not a tree that grows silk it's made out of silk probably needs

it's made out of silk probably needs more light yeah try that uh by the way

more light yeah try that uh by the way what with the recent outbreak of disease

what with the recent outbreak of disease here I think you made the right decision

here I think you made the right decision to build a new headquarters that's not

to build a new headquarters that's not why we're moving get over yourself

why we're moving get over yourself there's a much bigger issue at stake

there's a much bigger issue at stake here there is yes of course this

here there is yes of course this building is a rectangle almost square

building is a rectangle almost square but not quite do you know what I mean

but not quite do you know what I mean rarely I've always wanted to work in a

rarely I've always wanted to work in a building shaped like an isoceles

building shaped like an isoceles triangle an isosceles triangle you think

triangle an isosceles triangle you think I'm mad don't you Dilbert no you think

I'm mad don't you Dilbert no you think I'm stupid no lazy no fat no well I wish

I'm stupid no lazy no fat no well I wish I'd married you instead of the hag in my

I'd married you instead of the hag in my house I was thinking you're going to

house I was thinking you're going to need somebody to oversee the design and

need somebody to oversee the design and organize the move

organize the move someone with First Rate engineering

someone with First Rate engineering skills an aptitude for problem

skills an aptitude for problem solving way above average

solving way above average intelligence no I think we should use

intelligence no I think we should use someone who works at this company well

someone who works at this company well I'd like to volunteer all I ask in

I'd like to volunteer all I ask in return is for first dibs on any extra

return is for first dibs on any extra offices with doors oh I see your hidden

offices with doors oh I see your hidden agenda now you're the master of the

agenda now you're the master of the obvious no need to flatter me you've got

obvious no need to flatter me you've got the

the job and they said no engineer could have

job and they said no engineer could have his own

office I think this would be a great site for the new headquarters let's

site for the new headquarters let's visit site number

visit site number [Music]

[Music] two okay let's visit site number number

two okay let's visit site number number [Music]

[Music] three so I think the choice is pretty

three so I think the choice is pretty obvious right we build on the cliff side

obvious right we build on the cliff side wait wait what about the meadow if you

wait wait what about the meadow if you wanted the meadow why did you make such

wanted the meadow why did you make such a convincing case for the cliffs but the

a convincing case for the cliffs but the meadow is so picturesque so peaceful

meadow is so picturesque so peaceful it's perfect Alice tell

it's perfect Alice tell them

them uhhuh Wall-E help me out

uhhuh Wall-E help me out here uh the Meadow's only 5 minutes from

here uh the Meadow's only 5 minutes from your

your house well I suppose we could build a

house well I suppose we could build a cliff in the meadow get the best of both

cliff in the meadow get the best of both worlds or we could just wait a week and

worlds or we could just wait a week and you'll forget about the cliff will that

you'll forget about the cliff will that work usually well in that case why wait

work usually well in that case why wait the meadow it is and put your office

the meadow it is and put your office smack dab next to

structure will there be an elevator how does that work

does that work it now I sometimes get

it now I sometimes get work as you can see each floor will be

work as you can see each floor will be portioned into pi-shaped divisions so

portioned into pi-shaped divisions so that at the center of the pi where all

that at the center of the pi where all the divisions converge employees will

the divisions converge employees will engage in valuable knowledge transfer

engage in valuable knowledge transfer must stay

must stay awake managers will have private offices

awake managers will have private offices as will one cunning engineer now any

questions I'm sorry I don't speak fly anyone else anybody what will be the

anyone else anybody what will be the parking situation at the new

parking situation at the new headquarters good question we will have

headquarters good question we will have a state-of-the-art underground parking

a state-of-the-art underground parking structure I'll be needing extra Headroom

how about it give it up for the [Music]

[Music] Dillman hold my calls hey Dilly Jimbo

Dillman hold my calls hey Dilly Jimbo Frankie and I are thinking about taking

Frankie and I are thinking about taking a ball game tonight afterwards we're

a ball game tonight afterwards we're going out for pizza some beers maybe

going out for pizza some beers maybe play a little darts what do you say who

play a little darts what do you say who are you very

are you very funny I'm your old pal Tony from sales I

funny I'm your old pal Tony from sales I know we've never spoken before but I

know we've never spoken before but I love your take on the new headquarters

love your take on the new headquarters brilliant stroke a genius really I'm

brilliant stroke a genius really I'm going to need some extra steps on the

going to need some extra steps on the staircase you know cuz of the

staircase you know cuz of the legs extra half steps on the stairs for

legs extra half steps on the stairs for multipods I'll see what I can do and

multipods I'll see what I can do and don't put me next to the

don't put me next to the boss hey D Greg from marketing uh we've

boss hey D Greg from marketing uh we've never met would never like each other in

never met would never like each other in normal life and yet since I've become

normal life and yet since I've become reptilian I feel we have an unspoken

reptilian I feel we have an unspoken Bond go on what with the scales and what

Bond go on what with the scales and what have you I'll be needing a sink with

have you I'll be needing a sink with scalding hot water to clean myself okay

scalding hot water to clean myself okay special scalding hot water valve for

special scalding hot water valve for reptilian employees I'll try oh don't

reptilian employees I'll try oh don't put me next to the

put me next to the boss hey dilby now that I'm an EXO

boss hey dilby now that I'm an EXO skeleton I'll need a separate thermostat

skeleton I'll need a separate thermostat so I can keep the temperature in my

so I can keep the temperature in my cubicle at 94° F otherwise I'll die

cubicle at 94° F otherwise I'll die special heating ducks for the skinless I

special heating ducks for the skinless I can't promise anything but okay I

can't promise anything but okay I understand I'm not afraid of expiring

understand I'm not afraid of expiring but just don't put me next to the boss

but just don't put me next to the boss got it

got it [Music]

[Music] hey watch

hey watch it sorry we need to talk right right um

it sorry we need to talk right right um you know there's a suggestion box on the

you know there's a suggestion box on the fourth floor how am I supposed to use a

fourth floor how am I supposed to use a suggestion box maybe you could just hang

suggestion box maybe you could just hang around the suggestion box and yell your

around the suggestion box and yell your ideas at people who walk by okay but I'm

ideas at people who walk by okay but I'm going to need special pulley and slides

going to need special pulley and slides to get around the office in between

to get around the office in between floors and a customized keyboard and uh

floors and a customized keyboard and uh lower toilets much lower okay I'll check

lower toilets much lower okay I'll check into it and I will suck you into my

into it and I will suck you into my ectoplasm if you put me next to the

ectoplasm if you put me next to the boss uh I'm going to need more Lego well

boss uh I'm going to need more Lego well I need deep water I have to be in water

I need deep water I have to be in water I'm

I'm also I need a butt rubbing tree butt

also I need a butt rubbing tree butt rubbing tree got it keep them away from

rubbing tree got it keep them away from me okay I can put the swamp here a butt

me okay I can put the swamp here a butt rubbing tree over here lower these

rubbing tree over here lower these toilets all this just to get your own

toilets all this just to get your own office it's worth it do you really

office it's worth it do you really believe that all this is happening

believe that all this is happening because of sick building syndrome I have

because of sick building syndrome I have no reason not to believe it what if it's

no reason not to believe it what if it's all in their minds everything is in our

all in their minds everything is in our minds but when it causes us to grow an

minds but when it causes us to grow an extra leg I think we need to take it

extra leg I think we need to take it seriously okay okay on a lighter note I

seriously okay okay on a lighter note I have a coupon for a free feal wash no

have a coupon for a free feal wash no thanks on the house on the house okay

Wally you got your stuff packed it's time to go I'm not going anywhere D you

time to go I'm not going anywhere D you okay do flies catch cold or do they just

okay do flies catch cold or do they just drop dead are you going to use one of

drop dead are you going to use one of your sick days no way I've banked 14

your sick days no way I've banked 14 years worth of six days it's time to

years worth of six days it's time to cash them in and retire

cash them in and retire early uh

early uh w-e I hate to do this but I think this

w-e I hate to do this but I think this might be a good time to tell you

might be a good time to tell you something sick days don't accumulate

something sick days don't accumulate they

they expire and you can't trade sick days

expire and you can't trade sick days with other people

with other people we've been using you to steal office

we've been using you to steal office supplies for us for years it's easier

supplies for us for years it's easier than ordering from the

retrospect uh Dilbert yes my nose it itches try not to think about it

itches try not to think about it otherwise your whole body will start

otherwise your whole body will start itching

ah Moving Day exciting isn't it you know if this works out maybe we'll do it

if this works out maybe we'll do it every year what move that's insane

every year what move that's insane you've got to learn to think outside the

you've got to learn to think outside the box Dilbert so who's going to be in the

box Dilbert so who's going to be in the office next to me where all the action

office next to me where all the action happens the nerve

happens the nerve center you've got the whole floor to

center you've got the whole floor to yourself excellent by the way I forgot

yourself excellent by the way I forgot to tell you I need to make a few minor

to tell you I need to make a few minor alterations to the building operations

alterations to the building operations teeny tiny nothing with nothing but

teeny tiny nothing with nothing but poito Saar like what well remember that

poito Saar like what well remember that whole thing about the isoceles triangle

whole thing about the isoceles triangle I had it all wrong I meant a trapezoid

I had it all wrong I meant a trapezoid but it's already been built you're in

but it's already been built you're in charge make it happen check back with me

charge make it happen check back with me in a week that's the spirit that's the

in a week that's the spirit that's the end of that

end of that [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] Dilbert I must say I'm very impressed

Dilbert I must say I'm very impressed with the way the new headquarters has

with the way the new headquarters has turned out it's so shiny and big and

turned out it's so shiny and big and white and these portals you can actually

white and these portals you can actually see through them it's a miracle you mean

see through them it's a miracle you mean the windows yes and those magical moving

the windows yes and those magical moving stairs I mean where do they all go

stairs I mean where do they all go anyway you've done a bang up job it's so

anyway you've done a bang up job it's so perfect thank you it's so perfect too

perfect thank you it's so perfect too bad we can't afford to stay here what I

bad we can't afford to stay here what I just saw the rent allocation budget too

just saw the rent allocation budget too rich for our blood we'll have to lease

rich for our blood we'll have to lease it out to a more profitable company but

it out to a more profitable company but but by the way where's the cliff

but by the way where's the cliff [Music]

[Music] sh

[Music] Alice you look a lot I was never sick

Alice you look a lot I was never sick yeah that's what I meant to

say luckily everyone seems to be developing an immunity to the toxic

developing an immunity to the toxic environment I guess as a species

environment I guess as a species ultimately we can adapt to anything yay

ultimately we can adapt to anything yay for

for us everybody I'd like to personally

us everybody I'd like to personally welcome you all back to the new

welcome you all back to the new healthier old headquarters how is it

healthier old headquarters how is it healthier well for one thing we've added

healthier well for one thing we've added warning

[Music] signs hey everybody I'm back to my old

signs hey everybody I'm back to my old self too bad secondly we've stocked the

self too bad secondly we've stocked the first aid kits with these new Wonder

first aid kits with these new Wonder drugs plusy BOS

drugs plusy BOS [Music]

[Music] w

w [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

we have a big problem here drop everything you're doing and solve it I'm

everything you're doing and solve it I'm going to be late for work oh this is far

going to be late for work oh this is far more important than your career you

more important than your career you always say that well this time it's true

always say that well this time it's true the TV is not working I've been sitting

the TV is not working I've been sitting here for nearly a minute without

here for nearly a minute without entertainment change the battery in the

entertainment change the battery in the remote the one on the left the one on

remote the one on the left the one on the left well that's just spooky not

the left well that's just spooky not really I have the ne

really I have the ne The Knack for technology my mom says I

The Knack for technology my mom says I always

always have I'm worried about little Dilbert

have I'm worried about little Dilbert he's not like other kids what do you

he's not like other kids what do you mean yesterday I left him alone for a

mean yesterday I left him alone for a minute and he disassembled the TV our

minute and he disassembled the TV our clock and the stereo that's perfectly

clock and the stereo that's perfectly normal kids take things apart oh the

normal kids take things apart oh the part that worries me is he used the

part that worries me is he used the components to build a ham radio

components to build a ham radio set oh dear

set oh dear is that bad normally I'd want to run an

is that bad normally I'd want to run an EEG on him but the machine isn't

EEG on him but the machine isn't [Music]

working it's worse than I feared what is it I'm afraid your son has The

it I'm afraid your son has The Knack The Knack The Knack it's a rare

Knack The Knack The Knack it's a rare condition characterized by an extreme

condition characterized by an extreme intuition about all things mechanical

intuition about all things mechanical and electrical and utter social

and electrical and utter social ineptitude can he lead a normal life

ineptitude can he lead a normal life no you'll be an

engineer no there there don't blame yourself will it go away over time it

yourself will it go away over time it might but pray it doesn't if an engineer

might but pray it doesn't if an engineer loses The Knack the results can be

loses The Knack the results can be [Music]

[Music] devastating and in further news you

devastating and in further news you might want to get out thanks for filling

might want to get out thanks for filling in for our regular doctor on such short

in for our regular doctor on such short notice I was in the neighborhood

here I bought a double A yesterday because I sensed this coming you're

because I sensed this coming you're freaking me out I don't know why I told

freaking me out I don't know why I told you I have The

you I have The Knack The Knack

good [Laughter]

[Music] [Laughter]

[Music] now

[Applause] [Music]

as you know Humanity has pretty much destroyed the ecological balance of the

destroyed the ecological balance of the planet it's not my fault I recycle no

planet it's not my fault I recycle no one's blaming you loud Howard I blame

one's blaming you loud Howard I blame him why do you blame me when you recycle

him why do you blame me when you recycle your newspapers do you iron out the

your newspapers do you iron out the wrinkles first no well maybe you should

wrinkles first no well maybe you should Planet Killer all right then that's

Planet Killer all right then that's settled the point is the Earth is

settled the point is the Earth is polluted Beyond repair that leaves us

polluted Beyond repair that leaves us one viable business strategy we're going

one viable business strategy we're going to clean up the earth oh Jee

to clean up the earth oh Jee no I should say not clean up the no

no I should say not clean up the no we're going to start polluting outter

we're going to start polluting outter space I didn't become an engineer so I

space I didn't become an engineer so I could pollute the solar system why did

could pollute the solar system why did you become an engineer isn't it obvious

you become an engineer isn't it obvious she picked the one profession where

she picked the one profession where she'd be surrounded by sexy men all

she'd be surrounded by sexy men all [Music]

[Music] day so tell me more about this polluting

day so tell me more about this polluting of space idea no no no

of space idea no no no no sh we won't be calling it polluting

no sh we won't be calling it polluting negative connotation we prefer the word

negative connotation we prefer the word advertising I'm talking Billboards in

advertising I'm talking Billboards in space no one can read a billboard in

space no one can read a billboard in space they can if we make them really

space they can if we make them really big do you have any idea how much that

big do you have any idea how much that would cost $1,000 maybe $50

would cost $1,000 maybe $50 billion well then we'll just have to

billion well then we'll just have to amortize the costs advertise the costs

amortize the costs advertise the costs that doesn't even mean anything we'll

that doesn't even mean anything we'll find a way to get it done failure isn't

find a way to get it done failure isn't in my vocabulary neither is amortise

in my vocabulary neither is amortise apparently here we go

again you're drinking out of my cup you have drunk from the cup of

cup you have drunk from the cup of management now you're infected what are

management now you're infected what are you talking about that's ridiculous soon

you talking about that's ridiculous soon your technical skills will evaporate

your technical skills will evaporate like the fine Mist on a summer lawn they

like the fine Mist on a summer lawn they warned us about this in school there was

warned us about this in school there was management DNA in the backwash of that

management DNA in the backwash of that cup now it's in you it's like a virus

cup now it's in you it's like a virus people I'd like to get the first space

people I'd like to get the first space billboard launched in 30 days does

billboard launched in 30 days does anyone see a problem with that no

way knows nothing a pointy head idiot who stinks like OD

who stinks like OD socks sounds like we have

socks sounds like we have [Music]

[Music] consensus I don't know what's wrong with

consensus I don't know what's wrong with this pen I'm going out on a limb here

this pen I'm going out on a limb here but I'll say it's out of ink that

but I'll say it's out of ink that management DNA must have infected you

management DNA must have infected you you've lost the neck I have not lost the

you've lost the neck I have not lost the neck I'll show you who's lost the neck

neck I'll show you who's lost the neck I'll design this thing myself out of my

I'll design this thing myself out of my cubicle I need privacy this is my

cubicle I need privacy this is my cubicle sense of direction it's the

cubicle sense of direction it's the first thing that goes when you lose the

Knack Dilbert just the man I need what's it mean when you get a sister error

it mean when you get a sister error number

number 53 watch me solve this with intuition

53 watch me solve this with intuition alone okay error 53 I haven't seen that

alone okay error 53 I haven't seen that one before but I have a feeling it's

one before but I have a feeling it's your network interface card what should

your network interface card what should I do press control and

F9 thanks hey

thanks hey Dilbert do you know how to subnet an IP

Dilbert do you know how to subnet an IP address it's been a while but I think

address it's been a while but I think this will

this will [Music]

work I haven't lost my engineering neck just because a few things go wrong even

just because a few things go wrong even great athletes have dry spells like the

great athletes have dry spells like the great Olympian Amil gartan world record

great Olympian Amil gartan world record holder in both the javelin and the 100y

holder in both the javelin and the 100y yard dash only person who ever died by

yard dash only person who ever died by throwing a spear into his own back did

throwing a spear into his own back did you just make that up clever wasn't it

you just make that up clever wasn't it can we talk about me instead of madeup

can we talk about me instead of madeup people sure pass the

bread okay tell me about your day I've got to design a low earth orbit

got to design a low earth orbit advertising satellite as big as New

advertising satellite as big as New Zealand and get it launched in 30 days

Zealand and get it launched in 30 days for under $1,000 that is so sad and

for under $1,000 that is so sad and pathetic and then what well that's kind

pathetic and then what well that's kind of the whole story they're not laughing

of the whole story they're not laughing at you They're laughing with you I

at you They're laughing with you I didn't say anyone was laughing at me

didn't say anyone was laughing at me you're only ugly on the outside what are

you're only ugly on the outside what are you talking about they say swimming is

you talking about they say swimming is the best exercise well I've always

the best exercise well I've always agreed with that

agreed with that but hey

but hey [Music]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] a light sail well you still need a huge

a light sail well you still need a huge groundbased laser to push it we can

groundbased laser to push it we can borrow the one at the particle

borrow the one at the particle accelerator lab we only need it for a

accelerator lab we only need it for a few minutes are you done yet good Lord

few minutes are you done yet good Lord man you're working me to the bone has it

man you're working me to the bone has it been tough well this coffee cup doesn't

been tough well this coffee cup doesn't carry itself around get some rest Wally

carry itself around get some rest Wally you too start pulling your

weight the components are all off the shelf we can put this thing together in

shelf we can put this thing together in a week it looks good on paper but how do

a week it looks good on paper but how do we know you haven't lost The

we know you haven't lost The Knack I haven't lost The

Knack there's something wrong with it let me have a

look there it should be fine thanks Dilbert smart men are so sexy do you

Dilbert smart men are so sexy do you think we could go out sometime

attention all workers has anybody seen my pen the one that writes in four

my pen the one that writes in four colors it's not worth a lot of money or

colors it's not worth a lot of money or anything but my mom gave it to me and it

anything but my mom gave it to me and it has a lot of s this is a terrible

has a lot of s this is a terrible program what else is on Hey where's the

program what else is on Hey where's the clicker why aren't I sitting in my

clicker why aren't I sitting in my recliner oh for crying out loud for the

recliner oh for crying out loud for the last time this is not a TV show you're

last time this is not a TV show you're telling me look at this guy he hasn't

telling me look at this guy he hasn't moved the whole time I've been watching

moved the whole time I've been watching although it does build suspense you know

although it does build suspense you know what leave this on oh what the hell I

what leave this on oh what the hell I can't can't take it tell me the ending

can't can't take it tell me the ending 40 minutes after liftoff the ship will

40 minutes after liftoff the ship will achieve orbit at that time the tissue

achieve orbit at that time the tissue thin balloon material will unfurl

thin balloon material will unfurl creating an advertising Banner over 5

creating an advertising Banner over 5 miles wide 10 seconds 7 4 3 2

miles wide 10 seconds 7 4 3 2 [Music]

[Music] 1 blooper all systems are green the the

1 blooper all systems are green the the laser should kick in in 15 seconds and

laser should kick in in 15 seconds and put our baby on target are you sure you

put our baby on target are you sure you gave the right coordinates to the laser

gave the right coordinates to the laser operator you've been off your game

operator you've been off your game lately me off my game

lately me off my game [Music]

[Music] ha ohoh

ha ohoh [Music]

[Music] hm hey hey

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

what should we do party

do party [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] I'll sharpen your knives you simple

I'll sharpen your knives you simple Housewives I'll sharpen your knives I've

Housewives I'll sharpen your knives I've got raisins shriveled and brown who

got raisins shriveled and brown who wants raisins the finest in Town bows

wants raisins the finest in Town bows and arrows and kill some birds then you

and arrows and kill some birds then you shove them in a

pie hi Dilbert do I know you what do you mean we're your neighbors I'm Arie from

mean we're your neighbors I'm Arie from across the street the insurance salesman

across the street the insurance salesman what happened to you well ever since

what happened to you well ever since that satellite got knocked out that was

that satellite got knocked out that was yesterday yeah well thanks fell apart

yesterday yeah well thanks fell apart pretty fast without power and

pretty fast without power and Communications luckily Denise over there

Communications luckily Denise over there she went to a Renaissance Festival last

she went to a Renaissance Festival last summer so she knew what to do so you

summer so she knew what to do so you want to be a blacksmith we also need a

want to be a blacksmith we also need a guy to sweep little piles of dung into

guy to sweep little piles of dung into big piles a dong I'll get back to

big piles a dong I'll get back to [Music]

[Music] you we have to realign the satellites

you we have to realign the satellites and restore power and Communications oh

and restore power and Communications oh forget it stop being a stick in the mud

forget it stop being a stick in the mud everybody's having a great time no more

everybody's having a great time no more multitasking no more fact modems email

multitasking no more fact modems email voicemail video conferencing

voicemail video conferencing teleconferencing pointing clicking and

teleconferencing pointing clicking and all that other stuff I never did anyway

all that other stuff I never did anyway where's Alice just follow the sounds of

where's Alice just follow the sounds of tambourines and drunken

[Music] [Applause]

laughter Alice hey buddy you're going to have to wait your turn like the rest of

have to wait your turn like the rest of us quiet

us quiet [Music]

[Music] Nave what the hell is going on we're

Nave what the hell is going on we're celebrating the return to simpler times

celebrating the return to simpler times you mean the downfall of civilization no

you mean the downfall of civilization no I mean The Rebirth of the human heart

I mean The Rebirth of the human heart with technology gone we're free to enjoy

with technology gone we're free to enjoy our true nature to release the animal

our true nature to release the animal within and let it live wild and Untamed

within and let it live wild and Untamed so you're not going back to work I am at

so you're not going back to work I am at work this is my job now you're a free

work this is my job now you're a free spirit a child of nature I live for the

spirit a child of nature I live for the moment and follow my whims wherever they

moment and follow my whims wherever they guide me how's the pay I'm paid in joy

guide me how's the pay I'm paid in joy and my hours are from yesterday until

and my hours are from yesterday until forever and if you don't like it I'll

forever and if you don't like it I'll kick the crap out of you terrific

kick the crap out of you terrific where's the boss he's over there

where's the boss he's over there fulfilling his role in the natural order

fulfilling his role in the natural order of things a dialogue about maximizing

of things a dialogue about maximizing quality productivity would bring about a

quality productivity would bring about a consensus within the time parameters of

consensus within the time parameters of our earlier proactive

our earlier proactive [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] assessment and to think dber we have you

assessment and to think dber we have you to thank for all of this no don't thank

to thank for all of this no don't thank me this this is awful let's raise a

me this this is awful let's raise a glass of me to

glass of me to Dilbert

Dilbert [Applause]

[Applause] tobert what me what's wrong with you

tobert what me what's wrong with you people don't you see what's happened

people don't you see what's happened yeah fine if I have to repair those

yeah fine if I have to repair those satellites single-handedly then that's

satellites single-handedly then that's what I'll do who's with me none of

what I'll do who's with me none of [Music]

[Music] us if only I hadn't drunk the boss's

us if only I hadn't drunk the boss's coffee I would still have my knack for

coffee I would still have my knack for technology I'm afraid your son has The

technology I'm afraid your son has The Knack can he lead a normal life you're

Knack can he lead a normal life you're drinking out of my car now you're

drinking out of my car now you're infected you've lost the neck that

infected you've lost the neck that management DNA must have infected you

management DNA must have infected you you're only ugly on the

outside I've got it I know how to get my neck

back hello hello somebody answer me there's got to be someone out there I'll

there's got to be someone out there I'll pay any roaming charges I'll accept a

pay any roaming charges I'll accept a collect international

call what did I tell you about trying to contact the outside

contact the outside [Music]

world to facilitate the implementation of our business system transition

of our business system transition strategy we must maximize our talent

strategy we must maximize our talent pace and thereby determine our

pace and thereby determine our propensities for consensus

propensities for consensus [Music]

building here drink this oh kind sir you offer me a Tipple to slake mine thirst

offer me a Tipple to slake mine thirst alas I have but recently emed a goblet

alas I have but recently emed a goblet of Ale just a sip then a sip a sip you

of Ale just a sip then a sip a sip you say to wet one's whistle why what harm

say to wet one's whistle why what harm could it do but apparently I am already

could it do but apparently I am already quenched drink

quenched drink [Music]

it good sir your generosity will not be circumvented pH I salute you I don't

circumvented pH I salute you I don't feel any

feel any [Music]

different I hope you washed your cup [Music]

dirty rags for sale who buys dirty rags you'd be surprised I don't need any Rags

you'd be surprised I don't need any Rags what I need is to find my Knack yes The

what I need is to find my Knack yes The Knack it's like trying to find the one

Knack it's like trying to find the one good rag in a huge pile of bad

good rag in a huge pile of bad ones how's that the same sometimes the

ones how's that the same sometimes the harder you look the better it

hides when you stop looking for the neck it will find

familiar you know if you shorten the axle about 8 in you'll reduce the stress

axle about 8 in you'll reduce the stress and you won't have this

and you won't have this problem

problem exactly looks like you found your rag

exactly looks like you found your rag [Music]

I know you've grown accustomed to the new ways the authenticity and the

new ways the authenticity and the relationship with nature but it's a lie

relationship with nature but it's a lie we live in a cold mechanistic

we live in a cold mechanistic technocracy we have to make that work I

technocracy we have to make that work I know life is unfair you'll get no

know life is unfair you'll get no argument from me I know it's not fun and

argument from me I know it's not fun and it's not novel but it's real to that end

it's not novel but it's real to that end I've turned this Silo into a rocket by

I've turned this Silo into a rocket by loading it with 20 tons of match heads

loading it with 20 tons of match heads it's going to reorient the satellites

it's going to reorient the satellites and give us back our

and give us back our [Music]

[Music] technology thank God I am tired of

technology thank God I am tired of sleeping in dung and wearing these

sleeping in dung and wearing these unflattering clothes I miss TV do miss

unflattering clothes I miss TV do miss TV my show

TV my show [Music]

o it didn't work everything is still ruined but now it's worse because for a

ruined but now it's worse because for a few moments we had hope sign for Human

few moments we had hope sign for Human Sacrifice just let me get this

calling H too bad I was beginning to enjoy the simple life Everyone likes the

enjoy the simple life Everyone likes the simple life until it gets

simple life until it gets [Music]

[Music] complicated where's Dad tonight he's

complicated where's Dad tonight he's still at the all you can eat buffet

still at the all you can eat buffet place in the mall how long has he been

place in the mall how long has he been there since

there since 1979 you got to hand it to him he

1979 you got to hand it to him he doesn't give up for him it's the

doesn't give up for him it's the principal he's not coming home until

principal he's not coming home until he's sure it's all he can eat it was a

he's sure it's all he can eat it was a mistake for them to put bathrooms in

mistake for them to put bathrooms in that

that place you remind me so much of him what

place you remind me so much of him what little I can

little I can remember how can they say it's the

remember how can they say it's the world's favorite snack I'd like to see

world's favorite snack I'd like to see the evidence that supports that maybe

the evidence that supports that maybe you should write to them and man

you should write to them and man proof now you've done it and how do they

proof now you've done it and how do they know this is 30% of my daily recommended

know this is 30% of my daily recommended fat isn't everyone a different size to

fat isn't everyone a different size to begin with let's go in the living room

begin with let's go in the living room he'll be a

he'll be a while are they telling me a jockey needs

while are they telling me a jockey needs the same amount of cookie protein as a

the same amount of cookie protein as a professional

professional weightlifter they must think we're

weightlifter they must think we're idiots or something without a weight

idiots or something without a weight chart this is completely unhelpful

[Music] w

h h Huh according to my perpetual calendar program June 30th in the year

calendar program June 30th in the year 2014 will be a Thursday Did you know

2014 will be a Thursday Did you know that if I say yes will you not talk no

that if I say yes will you not talk no this is kind of interesting guess what

this is kind of interesting guess what day of the week is the first day of the

day of the week is the first day of the year

year 2,222 Tu day no but that would have been

2,222 Tu day no but that would have been good too more importantly which is

good too more importantly which is better Paris or Rome

better Paris or Rome better Paris

better Paris which is better Prague or Budapest why

which is better Prague or Budapest why does it matter which is better

does it matter which is better Prague which is better what are you

Prague which is better what are you doing I have to RSVP to my Millennium

doing I have to RSVP to my Millennium parties Millennium parties yes which is

parties Millennium parties yes which is better Hong Kong or Singapore wait a

better Hong Kong or Singapore wait a minute maybe my invitations have been

minute maybe my invitations have been lost in the mail oh who cares I never

lost in the mail oh who cares I never like New Year's Eve anyway and this

like New Year's Eve anyway and this one's no different except that everyone

one's no different except that everyone on Earth will be celebrating the end of

on Earth will be celebrating the end of the millennium

the millennium well everyone except you I don't care I

well everyone except you I don't care I will not be pressured into having fun

will not be pressured into having fun just because we arbitrarily use a base

just because we arbitrarily use a base 10 counting system and a big round

10 counting system and a big round number is coming up if I'm going to have

number is coming up if I'm going to have fun I want a good reason well said so

fun I want a good reason well said so which is better lisan or Istanbul oh

which is better lisan or Istanbul oh come on I can't be the only person not

come on I can't be the only person not getting invitations to Millennium

getting invitations to Millennium parties which is better Tokyo or Munich

[Music] [Laughter]

[Laughter] [Music]

[Applause] [Music]

do you guys have any party plans for New Year's Eve 1999 oh yeah of course only a

Year's Eve 1999 oh yeah of course only a total loser would have no plans for the

total loser would have no plans for the biggest Night Ever In Our Lifetime what

biggest Night Ever In Our Lifetime what are you doing Dilbert me I uh I got

are you doing Dilbert me I uh I got plans I'm planning to link up with my

plans I'm planning to link up with my survivalist militia group and loot a

survivalist militia group and loot a National Guard ammunition dump do you

National Guard ammunition dump do you know something I don't Hello the

know something I don't Hello the millennium

millennium bug when the date hits 2000 all computer

bug when the date hits 2000 all computer will malfunction and the world will

will malfunction and the world will plunge into chaos I don't want to be

plunge into chaos I don't want to be outgunned we won't have a year 2000

outgunned we won't have a year 2000 problem in this company all of our

problem in this company all of our computers are new not all you're

computers are new not all you're forgetting Black Betty Black Betty that

forgetting Black Betty Black Betty that main frame was replaced years ago Black

main frame was replaced years ago Black Betty did you say Black Betty Bo I

Betty did you say Black Betty Bo I haven't thought about Old Black Betty in

haven't thought about Old Black Betty in ages maybe never but she's real as real

ages maybe never but she's real as real as the dwarf who sneaks into my bedroom

as the dwarf who sneaks into my bedroom at night and steals my underwear about

at night and steals my underwear about that main frame not now I'm reminiscing

that main frame not now I'm reminiscing where was I Black Betty yes Black Betty

where was I Black Betty yes Black Betty the main frame boy oh boy we thought

the main frame boy oh boy we thought about replacing her years ago but then

about replacing her years ago but then we thought well why not just Cobble our

we thought well why not just Cobble our new systems to the old one with Untold

new systems to the old one with Untold miles of spaghetti code and obsolete

miles of spaghetti code and obsolete coax cable why'd you do that it was an

coax cable why'd you do that it was an executive decision we figured it would

executive decision we figured it would save money in the short run and only

save money in the short run and only later plunged the company Into Darkness

later plunged the company Into Darkness after we Executives had all left for

after we Executives had all left for other companies but you're still here

other companies but you're still here brinksmanship I live for it you know how

brinksmanship I live for it you know how sometimes you're driving down the

sometimes you're driving down the freeway and you pull into the oncoming

freeway and you pull into the oncoming Lane intentionally only to Swerve away

Lane intentionally only to Swerve away at the last minute that was you you ran

at the last minute that was you you ran me off the road stared Destiny right in

me off the road stared Destiny right in the face you could have killed me sorry

the face you could have killed me sorry anyway which is better Jakarta or Geneva

anyway which is better Jakarta or Geneva we have to do something about the

we have to do something about the millennium bug the millennium bug are

millennium bug the millennium bug are you telling me that Han Solo's ship is

you telling me that Han Solo's ship is here that's the Millennium Falcon I'm

here that's the Millennium Falcon I'm talking about the year 2000 problem y 2K

talking about the year 2000 problem y 2K oh yes um t3g pardon

oh yes um t3g pardon b9c b9c look if our computer systems are

b9c b9c look if our computer systems are all connected to Black Betty some

all connected to Black Betty some ancient Mainframe oh oh e4j this is fun

ancient Mainframe oh oh e4j this is fun we're out of business when the date

we're out of business when the date changes you mean all the technology is

changes you mean all the technology is going

going to break yes is there any way this

to break yes is there any way this collapse of civilization thing could

collapse of civilization thing could affect me personally I think it might

affect me personally I think it might okay then you have my full support to

okay then you have my full support to fix the problem unless it involves any

fix the problem unless it involves any sort of resources or decisions or effort

sort of resources or decisions or effort on my part remember money is No Object

on my part remember money is No Object unless of course you plan to spend it me

unless of course you plan to spend it me why is it up to me because you brought

why is it up to me because you brought it up you know the rules he who

it up you know the rules he who complains is assigned to fix it that

complains is assigned to fix it that only applies to little things this could

only applies to little things this could be the biggest project in our company's

be the biggest project in our company's history and I've never even seen that

history and I've never even seen that Black Betty Mainframe no one has for

Black Betty Mainframe no one has for years it's quite splendiferous you've

years it's quite splendiferous you've seen it I helped install it of course

seen it I helped install it of course that was years ago before the life force

that was years ago before the life force was drained for my body and I became a

was drained for my body and I became a selfish and apathetic shell of a man

selfish and apathetic shell of a man then you can help I don't think you were

then you can help I don't think you were listening besides I don't even remember

listening besides I don't even remember back then you have to help Wally the

back then you have to help Wally the career of every employee depends on it

career of every employee depends on it if our main frame goes nuts we'll lose

if our main frame goes nuts we'll lose our payroll system our pension database

our payroll system our pension database the Personnel records it will be as if

the Personnel records it will be as if we never even worked here for me every

we never even worked here for me every day is like that you know what I mean if

day is like that you know what I mean if we go down you're going down with us sh

we go down you're going down with us sh sh yes uh I want the gold card the

sh yes uh I want the gold card the silver card and the Platinum Card are

silver card and the Platinum Card are there any other heavy metals that you

there any other heavy metals that you make cards in okay then send them out

make cards in okay then send them out Wally what are you doing welcoming in

Wally what are you doing welcoming in the Millennium by ordering credit cards

the Millennium by ordering credit cards that's right I'm applying for every

that's right I'm applying for every credit card I can get my hands on then

credit card I can get my hands on then I'll take huge cash advances and wait

I'll take huge cash advances and wait for the millennium bug to hose the

for the millennium bug to hose the bank's computers they'll never be able

bank's computers they'll never be able to build me you would have made a great

to build me you would have made a great great evil mastermind n the hours are

great evil mastermind n the hours are too

too long Alice you've got to help me on this

long Alice you've got to help me on this year 2000 project I need a team I would

year 2000 project I need a team I would but I don't have time I'm buried with

but I don't have time I'm buried with work maybe you should come with me to

work maybe you should come with me to see the Director of Human Resources he

see the Director of Human Resources he might have a company sponsored program

might have a company sponsored program for time

for time management aook we need your help on the

management aook we need your help on the year 2000 project I'd like to help but

year 2000 project I'd like to help but I'm just an intern I have no experience

I'm just an intern I have no experience with computers made before the '90s come

with computers made before the '90s come with us to see the Director of Human

with us to see the Director of Human Resources maybe he knows of some company

Resources maybe he knows of some company sponsored training you can

take w-e shh I'm securing a home equity loan but you don't own a home I don't

loan but you don't own a home I don't but my good friend Bob does who's Bob

but my good friend Bob does who's Bob I'm Bob oh sheesh but Wally you're our

I'm Bob oh sheesh but Wally you're our best hope you've got to help on the year

best hope you've got to help on the year 2000 problem you were there you know

2000 problem you were there you know where the date code is on the old main

where the date code is on the old main frame I don't remember any of it it was

frame I don't remember any of it it was a long time ago yes I'm holding come

a long time ago yes I'm holding come with us to see the Director of Human

with us to see the Director of Human Resources maybe he has some sort of

Resources maybe he has some sort of company sponsored program to regain lost

memories Bob Bob are you there hello Bob dogor I need you meet me at work

[Music] what do you want we came to see Mr

what do you want we came to see Mr catart what for well I need 45 more

catart what for well I need 45 more people to help me on the year 2000

people to help me on the year 2000 project I need more time I need

project I need more time I need experience I need a memory what about

experience I need a memory what about the dog I'm perfect but thanks for

the dog I'm perfect but thanks for asking Mr catb bird is busy go away

we could shove as shook the intern through the opening and he can unlock

through the opening and he can unlock the door from the other side I could

the door from the other side I could never fit in that tiny

hole note to self get smarter troll to guard door we need your help I can't

guard door we need your help I can't help why not it's a company policy

help why not it's a company policy aren't you the one who makes the company

aren't you the one who makes the company policies do I have a great job or what

policies do I have a great job or what if you don't help us we're going to be

if you don't help us we're going to be stuck here and we'll never be able to go

stuck here and we'll never be able to go home Dilbert you don't need me you have

home Dilbert you don't need me you have everything you need right here take a

everything you need right here take a shook here he has no experience I am a

shook here he has no experience I am a blank slate but what he doesn't realize

blank slate but what he doesn't realize is that cynicism is almost the same

is that cynicism is almost the same thing as

thing as experience it is sure just try thinking

experience it is sure just try thinking the worst about people and you'll

the worst about people and you'll usually be right I feel wiser already

usually be right I feel wiser already and Alice you need more time but that's

and Alice you need more time but that's only because you spend so much time with

only because you spend so much time with your hair and makeup in the morning

your hair and makeup in the morning that's a necessity only in your mind you

that's a necessity only in your mind you mean I'm beautiful just the way I am no

mean I'm beautiful just the way I am no I mean it's a lost

I mean it's a lost cause you should put that time to better

cause you should put that time to better use what about w-e he needs a memory w-e

use what about w-e he needs a memory w-e does it need a real memory I doubt no

does it need a real memory I doubt no recent court rulings have proven false

recent court rulings have proven false memory is just as good as the real thing

memory is just as good as the real thing maybe better how do I get one of those

maybe better how do I get one of those hypnosis will do the trick I have some

hypnosis will do the trick I have some books right here let me see those

books right here let me see those [Music]

[Music] you don't have these on video do you

you don't have these on video do you okay this is a start but I still need

okay this is a start but I still need more bodies don't you have a list of

more bodies don't you have a list of surplused employees well I don't usually

surplused employees well I don't usually do this do what be helpful but I do have

do this do what be helpful but I do have a list of employees who have recently

a list of employees who have recently been terminated how does that help still

been terminated how does that help still on the payroll for two more weeks

on the payroll for two more weeks they're all described in this binder

they're all described in this binder [Music]

[Music] the useless guy the useless guy will

the useless guy the useless guy will take up space and eat your Donuts

take up space and eat your Donuts sometimes he will clip articles from

sometimes he will clip articles from Publications and leave them on your

Publications and leave them on your chair Ted the generic guy he has no

chair Ted the generic guy he has no distinct characteristics people who have

distinct characteristics people who have known him for years can't describe him

known him for years can't describe him there may be more than one Ted in the

there may be more than one Ted in the company no one really knows zimu the

company no one really knows zimu the monkey smarter than the average siman

monkey smarter than the average siman writes computer code at record speed

writes computer code at record speed thanks to his tail they aren't much but

thanks to his tail they aren't much but they have to do can you regress him to

they have to do can you regress him to his earlier days as an engineer when he

his earlier days as an engineer when he helped install the main frame I'm not up

helped install the main frame I'm not up to the regression chapter yet what have

to the regression chapter yet what have you learned I can make him walk a tight

you learned I can make him walk a tight RPP across a ravine does it have to be a

RPP across a ravine does it have to be a ravine can it be any sort of Chasm sure

ravine can it be any sort of Chasm sure Ravine or Gulch or Chasm or gasm

Ravine or Gulch or Chasm or gasm huh oops I skipped a chapter

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

mom mom in here dear push a little harder get your shoulder into

it Mom what are you doing stockpiling stockpiling why where have you been

stockpiling why where have you been haven't you heard about Y2K heard of it

haven't you heard about Y2K heard of it I'm in charge of fixing the bug for my

I'm in charge of fixing the bug for my whole company you are God help them

whole company you are God help them thanks mom maybe you should start

thanks mom maybe you should start hoarding essential supplies before it's

hoarding essential supplies before it's too late why are you hoarding hair

too late why are you hoarding hair conditioner I had a coupon mom it would

conditioner I had a coupon mom it would be a lot easier to talk to you if I

be a lot easier to talk to you if I could see you I'm not here I'm at the

could see you I'm not here I'm at the warehouse shopping club with a movie van

warehouse shopping club with a movie van am I so predictable you can record your

am I so predictable you can record your side of the conversation in advance yes

side of the conversation in advance yes you are so predictable I can record my

you are so predictable I can record my side of the conversation in

side of the conversation in [Music]

[Music] advance put it

[Music] back excuse me I need to get out get out

back excuse me I need to get out get out nobody gets out haven't you learned that

nobody gets out haven't you learned that by now I mean the driveway I know what

by now I mean the driveway I know what you mean the question is do you know

you mean the question is do you know what you mean what do you mean you're

what you mean what do you mean you're concerned about Y2K you're afraid you

concerned about Y2K you're afraid you won't be able to solve the problem in

won't be able to solve the problem in time that you'll go down in history as

time that you'll go down in history as the goat of the New Millennium how do

the goat of the New Millennium how do you know that it's written all over your

you know that it's written all over your face if you're so smart what do I do

face if you're so smart what do I do about the year 2000 problem don't fight

about the year 2000 problem don't fight the problem embrace it you are Y2K I am

the problem embrace it you are Y2K I am Y2K are you just going to keep repeating

Y2K are you just going to keep repeating what I say okay okay embrace it got it

finally um excuse me I still need to get out they never

optional and then he says do you know what you mean and I said fix it yet not

what you mean and I said fix it yet not yet okay as I was

yet okay as I was saying cut it out I'm not doing anything

saying cut it out I'm not doing anything your tail is poking my face your face is

your tail is poking my face your face is poking my tail let's go around the table

poking my tail let's go around the table and introduce ourselves we just did that

and introduce ourselves we just did that can anyone pay attention

can anyone pay attention here can I say something

here can I say something what nothing it's just been a while

what nothing it's just been a while since I said

since I said anything now Ted it seems to me you

anything now Ted it seems to me you might be able to Ted I was saying you

might be able to Ted I was saying you might be able to Ted I Ted Ted are you

might be able to Ted I Ted Ted are you talking to me yes my name's not Ted it's

talking to me yes my name's not Ted it's not well what is it well it's Ted but

not well what is it well it's Ted but not the Ted you're thinking

not the Ted you're thinking of hey what did I tell you come and get

of hey what did I tell you come and get me get him off of me I cut out this

me get him off of me I cut out this article today I'll pass it around

article today I'll pass it around [Applause]

[Applause] there it is Black Betty that main frame

there it is Black Betty that main frame is tied to every computer system in this

is tied to every computer system in this company and only Wall-E knows its

company and only Wall-E knows its [Music]

Secrets this is the only control Port into Black Betty it hasn't been used for

into Black Betty it hasn't been used for years there must be 10 million lines of

years there must be 10 million lines of computer code in that thing and no

computer code in that thing and no written documentation

written documentation let's give up now and form an agrarian

let's give up now and form an agrarian society don't panic yet if dogbert can

society don't panic yet if dogbert can get Wall-E to remember how we installed

get Wall-E to remember how we installed this we'll know exactly where to make

this we'll know exactly where to make the changes so our futures depend on

the changes so our futures depend on WALL-E that's it we're all

Farmers how's it going any progress no apparently he was a cow in a previous

apparently he was a cow in a previous life stop playing around we need him to

life stop playing around we need him to remember his days as a young engineer

remember his days as a young engineer when he installed the Black Betty m

when he installed the Black Betty m frame you're stressed have a glass of

frame you're stressed have a glass of warm milk I am kind of

thirsty it's cobal I learned about this in school you learned a program in

in school you learned a program in Cobalt no I learned about it in History

Cobalt no I learned about it in History Class history you say I'll see if I can

Class history you say I'll see if I can find anything about history in the

find anything about history in the literature

1970s I am getting such a sunburn whose idea was this pyramid thing anyway why

idea was this pyramid thing anyway why don't we just cover the Pharaoh with

don't we just cover the Pharaoh with sand you afraid we run

sand you afraid we run out now this is more like

out now this is more like [Music]

[Music] it hey I'm on a

it hey I'm on a break how did you get here hey who's the

break how did you get here hey who's the hypnotist

hypnotist right a God has descended to Earth sorry

right a God has descended to Earth sorry no

autographs in retrospect this was a pretty great Epoch all right who wants

pretty great Epoch all right who wants to Fan me back back in time to the

to Fan me back back in time to the 1970s

1970s ad remember yourself as a young engineer

ad remember yourself as a young engineer I had hair you were full of optimism and

I had hair you were full of optimism and enthusiasm I cared about my job morning

enthusiasm I cared about my job morning morning morning morning morning good

morning morning morning morning good morning that's the new whiz

morning that's the new whiz kid hot shot so much hope and energy

kid hot shot so much hope and energy he's got the World on a

he's got the World on a String hey w-e how about some coffee uh

String hey w-e how about some coffee uh thanks but no thanks I don't want to

thanks but no thanks I don't want to miss any

work look at him go he's written an entire customer database system from

entire customer database system from scratch

scratch why do we only use two digits to store

why do we only use two digits to store the dates it saves space yeah but in the

the dates it saves space yeah but in the year 2000 the programs won't work

year 2000 the programs won't work because the computer will think it's

year0 we know from the hypnotic regression that Wall-E used to be a

regression that Wall-E used to be a great engineer wow from great engineer

great engineer wow from great engineer to doorstop in just a few short years

to doorstop in just a few short years Wally was a magnific stallion before he

Wally was a magnific stallion before he became a broken man you don't often hear

became a broken man you don't often hear the words Wall-E and stallion in the

the words Wall-E and stallion in the same sentence but he was a stallion once

same sentence but he was a stallion once that's the point don't you get it I get

that's the point don't you get it I get it no I don't we've got to think like

it no I don't we've got to think like Wall-E no young

Wall-E no young Wall-E young Wall-E would have seen this

Wall-E young Wall-E would have seen this year 2000 problem coming he would have

year 2000 problem coming he would have left Flags in the program so he could

left Flags in the program so he could find the date code easily probably some

find the date code easily probably some sort of key keyword in the program

sort of key keyword in the program documentation if we figure out the

documentation if we figure out the keyword we'll know exactly where the

keyword we'll know exactly where the problems are w-e what is the keyword

problems are w-e what is the keyword keyword what is the keyword keyword no

keyword what is the keyword keyword no no what is the keyword

keyword I think his keyword was keyword all right I said smart not creative

all right I said smart not creative [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

this old equipment won't make it it has to it's obsolete if it fries we'll never

to it's obsolete if it fries we'll never have a way to reprogram the main

[Music] frame he's not going to make it he's not

frame he's not going to make it he's not fast enough step aside I see what he's

fast enough step aside I see what he's doing you just need a faster typist

doing you just need a faster typist [Music]

[Music] still no good he won't make it use the

still no good he won't make it use the tail zimo the

blow I feel so soiled even more than usual

usual oh my God have I been working is it

oh my God have I been working is it fixed yet we won't know until January

fixed yet we won't know until January 1st why what significance does January

1st why what significance does January 1st have January 1st 2000 apparently

1st have January 1st 2000 apparently you've been too busy fooling around to

you've been too busy fooling around to read the news the National Bureau of

read the news the National Bureau of Standards has decided to skip 2000 the

Standards has decided to skip 2000 the 21st century won't officially start till

21st century won't officially start till the year 2001 you can't do that that's

the year 2001 you can't do that that's what they said about daylight savings

what they said about daylight savings time no they didn't well they should

time no they didn't well they should have my watch is off by an hour

have my watch is off by an hour sometimes it's like that for months

sometimes it's like that for months maybe we should get hopping on The Year

maybe we should get hopping on The Year 3,000 problem you know nip it in the bud

3,000 problem you know nip it in the bud good thinking Alice you're in

[Music] charge Hi how are

charge Hi how are you what nothing I'm here to withdraw

you what nothing I'm here to withdraw the maximum cash advances from each of

the maximum cash advances from each of these credit

these credit cards are you one of those guys who

cards are you one of those guys who thinks our computer records will be

thinks our computer records will be wiped out by the year 2000 bug and you

wiped out by the year 2000 bug and you won't have to pay us back and there's

won't have to pay us back and there's nothing you can do about

nothing you can do about [Music]

[Music] it here you

go you know no matter how many times I do that it's always enjoyable

do that it's always enjoyable [Applause]

w [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

hey I know you you live across the street oh yeah what's my name uh I don't

street oh yeah what's my name uh I don't know right so let's just keep this on a

know right so let's just keep this on a professional level okay I'm selling

professional level okay I'm selling overpriced cookies that taste like

overpriced cookies that taste like Styrofoam h how many cartons should I

Styrofoam h how many cartons should I put you down for will my money go to a

put you down for will my money go to a good cause well what do you consider a

good cause well what do you consider a good cause feeding the poor our troop is

good cause feeding the poor our troop is taking a trip to the Fashion Cafe it's

taking a trip to the Fashion Cafe it's in New York I know where it is aren't

in New York I know where it is aren't both of your parents successful

both of your parents successful attorneys is that relevant to this

attorneys is that relevant to this cookie transaction in any way your

cookie transaction in any way your family is Rich why should I pay for your

vacation my troop leader said people are nice if you give them a

nice if you give them a chance she said I would learn from this

experience no no it's okay don't don't cry it's so unfair first your generation

cry it's so unfair first your generation pollutes the world and plunders its

pollutes the world and plunders its natural resources now this okay okay

natural resources now this okay okay just calm down I'll buy a

just calm down I'll buy a box that'll be $80 $80 for cookies

okay take my money go visit the Fashion Cafe maybe I'll buy a pony too shouldn't

Cafe maybe I'll buy a pony too shouldn't you write down my name or something I

you write down my name or something I don't like to leave a paper trail thank

don't like to leave a paper trail thank you you're

you you're [Music]

[Music] welcome what you buckled under the

welcome what you buckled under the pressure wuss I helped a little girl

pressure wuss I helped a little girl learn a valuable lesson about life I

learn a valuable lesson about life I think you encouraged her to pursue a

think you encouraged her to pursue a life of crime no I taught her by my

life of crime no I taught her by my example that you don't need a reason to

example that you don't need a reason to help a neighbor it feels good to give Ah

help a neighbor it feels good to give Ah that's ridiculous I'll bet you $20 it

that's ridiculous I'll bet you $20 it doesn't feel good to give you are on my

doesn't feel good to give you are on my cynical

cynical friend okay to settle the question give

friend okay to settle the question give me $40 and then tell me if it feels good

me $40 and then tell me if it feels good that wouldn't feel good okay then give

that wouldn't feel good okay then give me $20 because you lost the

me $20 because you lost the bet did I just make a bet that would

bet did I just make a bet that would cost me $20 whether I won or not yeah

cost me $20 whether I won or not yeah yes but you also got to help someone

yes but you also got to help someone more fortunate than yourself

more fortunate than yourself [Music]

[Music] [Laughter]

[Music] oh hey

[Applause] [Music]

this year I have volunteered to chair the associated weight charity drive for

the associated weight charity drive for our County I think you all know why is

our County I think you all know why is it because you need another plaque to

it because you need another plaque to cover a fly stain on your office wall

cover a fly stain on your office wall yes that and something about poor people

yes that and something about poor people I expect they'll send me some details in

I expect they'll send me some details in the mail it's like you're a saint or

the mail it's like you're a saint or something no loud how I'm no saint I

something no loud how I'm no saint I just believe that people should do their

just believe that people should do their fair share or in the case where one of

fair share or in the case where one of those people is the boss other people

those people is the boss other people should do it for him this is even more

should do it for him this is even more inspirational than last year now in

inspirational than last year now in keeping with tradition three charity

keeping with tradition three charity coordinators will be chosen from the

coordinators will be chosen from the list of our most useless

list of our most useless employees W hey top of the list four

employees W hey top of the list four years in a row whoo whoa a dead guy we

years in a row whoo whoa a dead guy we found in the stairwell and the chair

found in the stairwell and the chair he's sitting in which we've named Ronald

he's sitting in which we've named Ronald oh tough competition congratulations you

oh tough competition congratulations you will each be assigned an official

will each be assigned an official Associated way uniform and a donation

Associated way uniform and a donation container Cool chick's dier man in

container Cool chick's dier man in uniform everybody who donates will get

uniform everybody who donates will get one of these colorful stylish I get to

one of these colorful stylish I get to keep my job t-shirts of course

keep my job t-shirts of course participation is completely 100%

participation is completely 100% voluntary any questions

yeah cariv Carnival all right youngsters

cariv Carnival all right youngsters settle down we'll have the company

settle down we'll have the company charity Carnival

charity Carnival okay I hate that Carnival all the money

okay I hate that Carnival all the money raised at the carnival is spent paying

raised at the carnival is spent paying for the carnival and it's based on the

for the carnival and it's based on the premise of Cheap Thrills and cheating

premise of Cheap Thrills and cheating hardly charitable Concepts how dare you

hardly charitable Concepts how dare you how dare you denigrate the Carnival sh

how dare you denigrate the Carnival sh Dilbert are you criticizing the carnival

Dilbert are you criticizing the carnival I'm a Gog and I rarely admit that no

I'm a Gog and I rarely admit that no it's just that uh

it's just that uh well okay exactly where does the money

well okay exactly where does the money go well there's the poor who I keep

go well there's the poor who I keep going on about and of course the plaques

going on about and of course the plaques don't grow on trees isn't the plaque

don't grow on trees isn't the plaque made of wood so then it does grow on a

made of wood so then it does grow on a tree why do you ask a question if you

tree why do you ask a question if you already know the answer he's an Arrogant

already know the answer he's an Arrogant Bastard now listen Punk if you think you

Bastard now listen Punk if you think you can reinvent the wheel the ferris wheel

can reinvent the wheel the ferris wheel that is then go right ahead Carnival

that is then go right ahead Carnival chairman Dilbert

chairman Dilbert haha what just

happened so Dilbert how much can I put you down

you down for here's 20 bucks now leave me alone

for here's 20 bucks now leave me alone until next year ooh $20 I'll see if

until next year ooh $20 I'll see if they'll name a hospital after you you

they'll name a hospital after you you don't even know where the money goes I

don't even know where the money goes I don't know where pudding comes from but

don't know where pudding comes from but I still eat it that is such a bad

I still eat it that is such a bad analogy thank you w-e now I can never

analogy thank you w-e now I can never eat pudding again well it wouldn't hurt

eat pudding again well it wouldn't hurt you to cut down on the calories no

you to cut down on the calories no matter what people say Alice looks are

matter what people say Alice looks are important Alice have you fulfilled your

important Alice have you fulfilled your obligation to society yes I signed up

obligation to society yes I signed up for payroll deduction I like to give I'm

for payroll deduction I like to give I'm morally Superior to Dilbert that is so

morally Superior to Dilbert that is so illogical as long as there are starving

illogical as long as there are starving people in the world you can't have money

people in the world you can't have money in the bank can still claim to be moral

in the bank can still claim to be moral there is ample precedent for my behavior

there is ample precedent for my behavior it is completely societally appropriate

it is completely societally appropriate to give only as much as one can afford

to give only as much as one can afford you just bought six pairs of shoes that

you just bought six pairs of shoes that look exactly the

look exactly the same that came out of my shoe budget

same that came out of my shoe budget Don't Rock the Boat Dilbert it's a

Don't Rock the Boat Dilbert it's a fragile system that shoe money could

fragile system that shoe money could have fed a poor family for a year what's

have fed a poor family for a year what's so moral about letting people starve to

so moral about letting people starve to death so that you can have extra shoes

death so that you can have extra shoes stop it you're ruining everything I mean

stop it you're ruining everything I mean until you give it all away you're not

until you give it all away you're not more moral you just feel less guilty I

more moral you just feel less guilty I don't agree the concept of morality is

don't agree the concept of morality is contingent upon the cultural context I

contingent upon the cultural context I mean the relative value of guilt in a

mean the relative value of guilt in a so-called free Society I mean altruistic

so-called free Society I mean altruistic inclinations are dependent upon I mean

inclinations are dependent upon I mean damn you're right I hate

that hey can you spare a few dollars for the disabled veterans of retail security

the disabled veterans of retail security you don't look disabled to me I've got

you don't look disabled to me I've got prickly heat ad's just kind of slow

prickly heat ad's just kind of slow which one of us is Ed you're on my turf

which one of us is Ed you're on my turf fellas don't start with me you wouldn't

fellas don't start with me you wouldn't be the first guy in a monkey costume

be the first guy in a monkey costume that I've had to kill can you settle

that I've had to kill can you settle this

this outside I'm collecting for the Sisters

outside I'm collecting for the Sisters of Perpetual Motion there's no such

of Perpetual Motion there's no such thing as perpetual motion not now but if

thing as perpetual motion not now but if we collect enough money someday well

we collect enough money someday well come

come you who should I make that out to to the

you who should I make that out to to the Society of guys with large bellies who

Society of guys with large bellies who don't havex satellite dishes yet this

don't havex satellite dishes yet this will nearly triple our odds of seeing

will nearly triple our odds of seeing naked people who can't see

us I don't know if I mentioned that the cable viewers guide that's extra morning

cable viewers guide that's extra morning Governor would you help out a good C and

Governor would you help out a good C and buy a candy bar only

buy a candy bar only $5 how do I know my money won't be

$5 how do I know my money won't be squandered in administrative expenses

squandered in administrative expenses and never reach the uh what was the

and never reach the uh what was the cause again we're trying to find a cure

cause again we're trying to find a cure for canine apathy canine

for canine apathy canine apathy by any chance is your leader

apathy by any chance is your leader about 2 ft tall round glasses and a tail

about 2 ft tall round glasses and a tail okay urchins bring the money to the

van you seem a little short no sir no I would never do I have to run a full body

would never do I have to run a full body cavity search on

cavity search on you good and put more dirt on your

you good and put more dirt on your [Music]

face dog bir I don't believe we've gotten a donation from you

at least I'll get a few minutes a piece howdy that my name is Foster from the

howdy that my name is Foster from the organization of farmers who are afraid

organization of farmers who are afraid of cows why don't they just change jobs

of cows why don't they just change jobs how's a cow going to change jobs cityy

how's a cow going to change jobs cityy boy use your head go away leave me

boy use your head go away leave me alone would you donate money to the

alone would you donate money to the women who cut their hair too short and

women who cut their hair too short and don't realize how bad it looks money for

don't realize how bad it looks money for mountain goats with three legs hey

mountain goats with three legs hey you're hiding your leg I can see it hey

you're hiding your leg I can see it hey mind your own business buddy I'm not a

mind your own business buddy I'm not a man I heard there was a charity frenzy

man I heard there was a charity frenzy in progress did I miss anything okay

in progress did I miss anything okay here here this is all I have everyone

here here this is all I have everyone just leave me

alone oh Dilbert I'd like you to pick up my plaque at the associated way banquet

my plaque at the associated way banquet tomorrow night tell them how grateful I

tomorrow night tell them how grateful I am do you think this could have waited

am do you think this could have waited until later

until later don't mind me I'll just

[Music] wait there I was in the NBA Allstar

wait there I was in the NBA Allstar forward multi-millionaire life was good

forward multi-millionaire life was good until I turned to drugs and alcohol

until I turned to drugs and alcohol actually that part was pretty good too I

actually that part was pretty good too I love drugs and

love drugs and alcohol but I did get kicked off the

alcohol but I did get kicked off the team and lost my entire Fortune that's

team and lost my entire Fortune that's when the associated way helped me out I

when the associated way helped me out I got sober I started my own business now

got sober I started my own business now I got a beautiful wife great kids a

I got a beautiful wife great kids a mistress whole fleet of cars mansions on

mistress whole fleet of cars mansions on both coast and a jet and best of all I

both coast and a jet and best of all I haven't paid any taxes in

years thank you I think we've all learned a valuable lesson about life and

learned a valuable lesson about life and now to accept the appreciation award on

now to accept the appreciation award on behalf of our County coordinator is one

behalf of our County coordinator is one of his flunkies dillbert

of his flunkies dillbert [Applause]

on behalf of my boss who didn't care enough to be here thank you for this

enough to be here thank you for this lovely

plaque and if you don't mind me saying so what exactly was the lesson we're

so what exactly was the lesson we're supposed to get from this drugged out

supposed to get from this drugged out basketball

basketball player I mean didn't he just teach us

player I mean didn't he just teach us that if you become a drug addict your

that if you become a drug addict your life will turn out

fine it seems to me that this whole charity concept is nothing but an

charity concept is nothing but an exercise and redistribution of guilt I'm

exercise and redistribution of guilt I'm all for helping the disadvantaged but

all for helping the disadvantaged but aren't most of your funds going towards

aren't most of your funds going towards administrative costs wouldn't it be more

administrative costs wouldn't it be more effective more cost effective more

effective more cost effective more impactful if each of us just helped one

impactful if each of us just helped one other

person but I digress thank you all for this lovely

digress thank you all for this lovely plaque for my boss I'm sure you could

plaque for my boss I'm sure you could have fed a family of for for what it

have fed a family of for for what it costs to make

it it was just an argument I wasn't trying to change anyone's mind too late

trying to change anyone's mind too late gandi you've killed charitable giving

gandi you've killed charitable giving forever excuse me sir I I'm a woman damn

forever excuse me sir I I'm a woman damn it

it [Music]

hey what happened what happened get this guy yeah see we're the cleaning crew the

guy yeah see we're the cleaning crew the crew that cleans up I understand that

crew that cleans up I understand that how do you with your college degree you

how do you with your college degree you know we might not be Engineers but

know we might not be Engineers but there's a certain science to what we do

there's a certain science to what we do too well no there's not but I'm not here

too well no there's not but I'm not here to argue you've just discarded all of

to argue you've just discarded all of Alice's possessions what this junk where

Alice's possessions what this junk where she's going she ain't going to be

she's going she ain't going to be needing it where's she going the street

needing it where's she going the street the street but how's she going to live

the street but how's she going to live what about food clothing

what about food clothing shelter it's no problem it's not nope

shelter it's no problem it's not nope not anymore tell them homeless Depot is

not anymore tell them homeless Depot is the place for all your homeless needs

the place for all your homeless needs and at prices that can't be beat

and at prices that can't be beat homeless Depot now in two convenient

homeless Depot now in two convenient locations our original location at 11233

locations our original location at 11233 skid row and visit our newest homeless

skid row and visit our newest homeless Depot at 4752 that dangerous part of

Depot at 4752 that dangerous part of that abandoned Waterfront area down

that abandoned Waterfront area down there okay let's see

there okay let's see sweater a sock old rags carton of soggy

sweater a sock old rags carton of soggy cigarette butts those are on sale right

cigarette butts those are on sale right do you have your homeless Depot card of

do you have your homeless Depot card of course that's another 20% off Alice what

course that's another 20% off Alice what do you want Dilbert you gave all your

do you want Dilbert you gave all your money away what choice did I have you

money away what choice did I have you convinced me that it would be immoral to

convinced me that it would be immoral to hold on to it hey that is a spiffy

hold on to it hey that is a spiffy shopping cart you like it I customized

shopping cart you like it I customized it is that a motor yeah N9

it is that a motor yeah N9 horsepower wow Alice I thought maybe I

horsepower wow Alice I thought maybe I could get the carnival up and running

could get the carnival up and running again a carnival you mean like with

again a carnival you mean like with rides excuse me do I know you I'm your

rides excuse me do I know you I'm your neighbor I'm your friend I'm your

neighbor I'm your friend I'm your relative I'm the one you won't make eye

relative I'm the one you won't make eye contact with the one you're afraid to

contact with the one you're afraid to say hello to so in other words no

we're here at the charity Carnival the brainchild of this man Dilbert who

brainchild of this man Dilbert who ironically is the same man whose popular

ironically is the same man whose popular outspoken cynicism about charity has

outspoken cynicism about charity has meant a death sentence to thousands of

meant a death sentence to thousands of needy people was that a question there

needy people was that a question there you have it in his own words he just

you have it in his own words he just doesn't

doesn't [Music]

care wait I know this one it's Ted darn how does he do

how does he do it next this booth is doing well right

it next this booth is doing well right this way see the freaks $1 why

not I can't get an outside line I can't even get an operator to give me an

even get an operator to give me an outside line what does this button mean

outside line what does this button mean I've never heard that sound before it's

I've never heard that sound before it's it's not a busy signal it's more like a

it's not a busy signal it's more like a a beep beep beep beep that's funny I

a beep beep beep beep that's funny I could have sworn I put my glasses down

could have sworn I put my glasses down right here I was reading the paper and

right here I was reading the paper and then I got

up step right up knock a street urchin off a beam with a baseball and win a toy

off a beam with a baseball and win a toy watch how easy it is to win

watch how easy it is to win [Music]

[Music] come on folks don't be shy being a

come on folks don't be shy being a street urchin with a baseball you look

street urchin with a baseball you look innocent but you know they've done

innocent but you know they've done something to deserve it what about you

something to deserve it what about you sir that is disgusting you mean to say

sir that is disgusting you mean to say if I hit one of those kids with a

if I hit one of those kids with a baseball I could win some of this stuff

baseball I could win some of this stuff that's the

that's the premise isn't that my camera and my

premise isn't that my camera and my binoculars and my CD player tell you

binoculars and my CD player tell you what I'll do you hit one kid in the

what I'll do you hit one kid in the Noggin with one base basball and I'll

Noggin with one base basball and I'll give you all the prizes close the booth

give you all the prizes close the booth and go home all the prizes is there an

and go home all the prizes is there an echo in here all right I'll take a

shot step right up everybody plays only I win

I win oh that looks

oh that looks good yeah how do they do that hi

good yeah how do they do that hi hi well something smells

hi well something smells good I am just about parted

good I am just about parted out oh brother I've got to sit

out oh brother I've got to sit [Music]

[Music] down oh nobody's sitting here just take

down oh nobody's sitting here just take a load off till I get chased

Dy get a shot of the idiot on the dunking

[Music] tank ooh

tank ooh o hi everybody

o hi everybody [Music]

[Music] oh my God they've killed the

oh my God they've killed the [Music]

[Music] boss there's no pulse are you sure he

boss there's no pulse are you sure he had one

had one before he's not breathing do you know

before he's not breathing do you know what this means what does it mean 3-day

what this means what does it mean 3-day weekend maybe more somebody's going to

weekend maybe more somebody's going to have to give him mouth to mouth

have to give him mouth to mouth resusitation great

resusitation great [Music]

that well I'll be who would have guessed it I've been date raped by Dilbert no no

it I've been date raped by Dilbert no no you were drowning I saved you so you

you were drowning I saved you so you didn't slip me a Mickey and have your

didn't slip me a Mickey and have your your away with me no well that's first

your away with me no well that's first you're a hero now how does it feel

you're a hero now how does it feel strangely good except for the smell of

strangely good except for the smell of chili dogs that I may never forget you

chili dogs that I may never forget you saw it live one man acting against his

saw it live one man acting against his own interest to help his fellow man

own interest to help his fellow man nothing to gain but the knowledge that

nothing to gain but the knowledge that he helped another human being in some

he helped another human being in some small way what you have witnessed is

small way what you have witnessed is nothing less than the complete Rebirth

nothing less than the complete Rebirth of the spirit of

of the spirit of giving that's all from here yeah

giving that's all from here yeah yeah we go that was

yeah we go that was beautiful okay pack it up we got a cat

beautiful okay pack it up we got a cat stuck in a drain pipe across

stuck in a drain pipe across town if I'm not mistaken you just

town if I'm not mistaken you just performed an act of Charity without

performed an act of Charity without draining your bank account yeah so I

draining your bank account yeah so I believe I've made my

believe I've made my [Music]

[Music] point I just wanted to hear you admit it

that woman does not like to lose an [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

Sho all right I'm not the organic matter you think I am just like anything you

you think I am just like anything you hear from my employees

I'm going to need another plaque [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

do I have to wear this yes rat bird it's a dog bird day tradition everyone must

a dog bird day tradition everyone must wear the uncomfortable festive headgear

wear the uncomfortable festive headgear except me I think a fruit fly just went

except me I think a fruit fly just went up my

up my nostril do you mind I'm trying to watch

nostril do you mind I'm trying to watch the pine cone celebration parade why

the pine cone celebration parade why don't you go watch it in person then I

don't you go watch it in person then I wouldn't get to hear the commentary look

wouldn't get to hear the commentary look Phil it's another one of those big

Phil it's another one of those big things what are they called I think that

things what are they called I think that is called a float and the name

is called a float and the name originated right here in Seattle

yeah H they got further last year I forget is dog birthday and national

forget is dog birthday and national holiday well right now it's confined to

holiday well right now it's confined to the room but I'm trying to take it

the room but I'm trying to take it national I have a meeting with Congress

national I have a meeting with Congress tomorrow how do you get a meeting with

tomorrow how do you get a meeting with Congress I said I was a lobbyist for The

Congress I said I was a lobbyist for The apwd Bu The Association of people who

apwd Bu The Association of people who drink beer and use Dynamite exactly

drink beer and use Dynamite exactly Congress is trying to squelch their

Congress is trying to squelch their freedom of speech freedom of speech what

freedom of speech freedom of speech what exactly are people who drink beer and

exactly are people who drink beer and use Dynamite trying to say h usually

use Dynamite trying to say h usually it's something like I'm sorry about what

it's something like I'm sorry about what happened to your mobile home Bobby Joe

happened to your mobile home Bobby Joe but it's not what they say it's their

but it's not what they say it's their right to say it it is not really it's

right to say it it is not really it's just an excuse to talk to Congress so I

just an excuse to talk to Congress so I can push my idea for national dog

can push my idea for national dog birthday we'll return to the pine cone

birthday we'll return to the pine cone celebration after the body count now we

celebration after the body count now we join babe gets what's coming to him

join babe gets what's coming to him already in

already in progress how does one celebrate dog

progress how does one celebrate dog birthday aside from wearing

birthday aside from wearing uncomfortable hats rat

bir on dog birthday any child who has been good all year gets the shoplift for

been good all year gets the shoplift for an hour I think good behavior should be

an hour I think good behavior should be rewarding the traditional dog birthday

rewarding the traditional dog birthday Feast is the bald eagle I wanted

Feast is the bald eagle I wanted something special the traditional music

something special the traditional music of dog birthday is a drum solo played on

of dog birthday is a drum solo played on your own skull with

your own skull with [Music]

[Music] spoons do you think anyone will catch on

spoons do you think anyone will catch on to the fact that the entire dog bird Day

to the fact that the entire dog bird Day holiday is designed for the sole purpose

holiday is designed for the sole purpose of being annoying no one caught on when

of being annoying no one caught on when I invented National Secretary's Day I

I invented National Secretary's Day I wondered who came up with that

[Music] [Laughter]

[Applause] [Music]

hey you broke my window it was already like that what are

window it was already like that what are you talking about I watched you do it

you talking about I watched you do it well well it looks like we have one of

well well it looks like we have one of those he said she said situations I also

those he said she said situations I also have it on

have it on videotape so it's a he said she said

videotape so it's a he said she said grainy video situation I'll have

grainy video situation I'll have fingerprints and DNA in a

second you got quite a list of priors here dick

here dick [Music]

now it's going to be awkward every time I see him in the

I see him in the [Music]

hallway sign the Secretary's Day card for Carol and run it around have you

for Carol and run it around have you ever wondered who came up with

ever wondered who came up with Secretary's Day who comes up with any of

Secretary's Day who comes up with any of this garbage here I've got a card for

this garbage here I've got a card for Jennifer's wedding a congratulations

Jennifer's wedding a congratulations card for Mike's baby three birthdays and

card for Mike's baby three birthdays and a gender change operation card that says

a gender change operation card that says get well and then on the inside it says

get well and then on the inside it says hung cute I signed those already here

hung cute I signed those already here whoa nice try but I already signed it

whoa nice try but I already signed it you know the rules you have to find the

you know the rules you have to find the next person on the routing slip all

next person on the routing slip all right all

right all right oh let the hunt

right oh let the hunt begin I hate

holidays hey dick old buddy it's your turn to find this Secretary's Day

turn to find this Secretary's Day [Music]

card there you are Delbert the meeting's just

starting can we go now now now loud Howard I know we're all anxious to start

Howard I know we're all anxious to start the long weekend and get on with our

the long weekend and get on with our vacation plans what long weekend there

vacation plans what long weekend there isn't a holiday for 2 weeks I think

isn't a holiday for 2 weeks I think that's what makes it long shut up

that's what makes it long shut up Dilbert you're keeping me off the slopes

Dilbert you're keeping me off the slopes be sure to ski near the trees it's more

be sure to ski near the trees it's more fun that way can we go now no Howard we

fun that way can we go now no Howard we have to start the meeting hey a sports

have to start the meeting hey a sports bra can I have that so you're letting

bra can I have that so you're letting them play sports

them play sports now that's the same sound made by the

now that's the same sound made by the [ __ ] before it swallows its prey the

rhinoceros sometimes it takes months for a mongoose to digest one of those

a mongoose to digest one of those beautiful creatures it's quite a sight

beautiful creatures it's quite a sight you know that's the best time to bagar

you know that's the best time to bagar Rhino they can't see you coming once

Rhino they can't see you coming once they're inside the Mongoose a mongoose

they're inside the Mongoose a mongoose is the size of a cat and they hibernate

is the size of a cat and they hibernate did you know that can we go now no not

did you know that can we go now no not quite yet though for the life of me I'm

quite yet though for the life of me I'm not sure why does anyone know why I

not sure why does anyone know why I called this meeting anybody I'm asking

called this meeting anybody I'm asking for

volunteers I have something to say we have too many holidays we have

say we have too many holidays we have more holidays than days and if we're not

more holidays than days and if we're not celebrating a holiday we're either

celebrating a holiday we're either planning for the next one or we're

planning for the next one or we're recovering from the last one we spend

recovering from the last one we spend all our time giving cards to people we

all our time giving cards to people we don't know decorating cakes for people

don't know decorating cakes for people we don't care about or buying presents

we don't care about or buying presents for people we don't even like enough to

for people we don't even like enough to have his friends outside of work that

have his friends outside of work that reminds me thanks for the cufflinks oh

reminds me thanks for the cufflinks oh you're welcome it seems that someone

you're welcome it seems that someone invents a new holiday every day holidays

invents a new holiday every day holidays that don't make sense for reasons that

that don't make sense for reasons that we don't understand it's made all

we don't understand it's made all holidays meaningless I've always loved

holidays meaningless I've always loved Groundhog Day those little guys are so

Groundhog Day those little guys are so cute before you shoot them is there some

cute before you shoot them is there some point here yes the reason we can't get

point here yes the reason we can't get any work done around here is because we

any work done around here is because we don't have any non-holiday days so you

don't have any non-holiday days so you think we should work nights instead can

think we should work nights instead can we go now I am totally preoccupied with

we go now I am totally preoccupied with my upcoming vacation no point in

my upcoming vacation no point in fighting it meeting

[Music] just boys you ought to get out there

just boys you ought to get out there live a little if you need me I'm

live a little if you need me I'm reachable in Africa just call Africa and

reachable in Africa just call Africa and ask for me I told them to expect your

ask for me I told them to expect your [Applause]

[Applause] call how come you didn't leave with the

call how come you didn't leave with the rest of them as Shook on my salary I can

rest of them as Shook on my salary I can only afford to take vacations within the

only afford to take vacations within the building

building itself this year I have saved up enough

itself this year I have saved up enough money to spend 5 days in the handicapped

money to spend 5 days in the handicapped toilet of the fifth floor gentleman's

toilet of the fifth floor gentleman's bathroom it is part of a restroom hostel

bathroom it is part of a restroom hostel program so I guess it's just you and me

program so I guess it's just you and me at work tomorrow no just you my vacation

at work tomorrow no just you my vacation commences in 10 minutes but feel free to

commences in 10 minutes but feel free to visit me there is always room for guests

visit me there is always room for guests should I bring anything potato salad

should I bring anything potato salad would be

would be nice they move the holiday to a Monday

nice they move the holiday to a Monday so it's a 3-day holiday then they want

so it's a 3-day holiday then they want to leave on Friday to take full

to leave on Friday to take full advantage of it but everyone's leaving

advantage of it but everyone's leaving on Friday and everyone wants to beat the

on Friday and everyone wants to beat the traffic so they leave on Thursday and if

traffic so they leave on Thursday and if you're leaving on Thursday why not

you're leaving on Thursday why not Wednesday night and you can't come back

Wednesday night and you can't come back on Monday that's still a holiday and you

on Monday that's still a holiday and you can't come back on Tuesday cuz everybody

can't come back on Tuesday cuz everybody comes back on Tuesday so you outsmart

comes back on Tuesday so you outsmart everybody and you come back on Wednesday

everybody and you come back on Wednesday so now you're leaving on Wednesday and

so now you're leaving on Wednesday and coming back on Wednesday and suddenly a

coming back on Wednesday and suddenly a one-day holiday is now a

one-day holiday is now a [Music]

[Music] week well I guess I'll call it a

week well I guess I'll call it a day this Secretary's Day show your

day this Secretary's Day show your assistant how valuable he is by ordering

assistant how valuable he is by ordering him to buy flowers for himself at

him to buy flowers for himself at honeybee Florest and don't forget

honeybee Florest and don't forget tomorrow the entire city will be closed

tomorrow the entire city will be closed down for the prism awareness

down for the prism awareness parade I'm being holidayed to death I

parade I'm being holidayed to death I can't work I can't listen to music I

can't work I can't listen to music I can't use the highway a regularly

can't use the highway a regularly scheduled program Dr Lorna calls you a

scheduled program Dr Lorna calls you a [ __ ] won't be aired today because Dr

[ __ ] won't be aired today because Dr Lorna went on holiday without telling

Lorna went on holiday without telling anyone in her place we bring you the

anyone in her place we bring you the Senate subcommittee hearings on oh

Senate subcommittee hearings on oh something I uh yield my time to the uh

something I uh yield my time to the uh distinguished senator from one of those

distinguished senator from one of those states that uh don't deserve roads in

states that uh don't deserve roads in schools now M Dev what I he here y'all

schools now M Dev what I he here y'all a

a b now that's okay I don't know if the

b now that's okay I don't know if the rest of you heard it but I think he just

rest of you heard it but I think he just confessed to being a

confessed to being a communist I'm not

communist I'm not aun I yield the Senator's time to myself

aun I yield the Senator's time to myself you can't do that it's against the rules

you can't do that it's against the rules all in favor of changing the rules and

all in favor of changing the rules and just maybe getting a huge soft money

just maybe getting a huge soft money campaign contribution in return say

I that's better now I'd like you all to sign a bill

now I'd like you all to sign a bill making dog bird Day a national holiday

making dog bird Day a national holiday and canceling all other holidays I

and canceling all other holidays I thought you said you were a lobbyist for

thought you said you were a lobbyist for the association of beer drinking

the association of beer drinking Dynamite users now that I support I

Dynamite users now that I support I don't know about this holiday thing it's

don't know about this holiday thing it's a package deal I added the dog birthday

a package deal I added the dog birthday Bill as a riter to the beer drinking and

Bill as a riter to the beer drinking and dynamite Freedom Bill does anyone have a

dynamite Freedom Bill does anyone have a match here you go son if this sort of

match here you go son if this sort of thing ever gets outlawed it'll be a

thing ever gets outlawed it'll be a slippery slope thanks I make a motion

slippery slope thanks I make a motion that we vote on the national dog

that we vote on the national dog birthday

[Music] Bill I fail to see how eliminating all

Bill I fail to see how eliminating all the other holidays is good for Rhode

the other holidays is good for Rhode Island I for one would miss all the

Island I for one would miss all the fireworks and the Easter bunnies and the

fireworks and the Easter bunnies and the New Year's Eve parties where I get drunk

New Year's Eve parties where I get drunk and depressed and do things I don't

and depressed and do things I don't remember but always regret app propose

remember but always regret app propose an amendment that would add all of the

an amendment that would add all of the holiday traditions to dog bir day dog

holiday traditions to dog bir day dog birt day would have cheap tacky gifts

birt day would have cheap tacky gifts dangerous fireworks visits from

dangerous fireworks visits from unpleasant relatives corny parades bad

unpleasant relatives corny parades bad barbecues you name it that sounds like

barbecues you name it that sounds like it would be complicated and Incredibly

it would be complicated and Incredibly frustrating for everyone I'm all for it

frustrating for everyone I'm all for it you have my full support down with big

you have my full support down with big government all in favor say

I now next on 4040 we talked to dogbert Who convinced

4040 we talked to dogbert Who convinced Congress to cancel all holidays in favor

Congress to cancel all holidays in favor of one holiday dogbert day well also

of one holiday dogbert day well also hear from his critics dogbert in your

hear from his critics dogbert in your own words what motivated you to create

own words what motivated you to create dog birthday I think it stems from my

dog birthday I think it stems from my religious belief that everyone exists

religious belief that everyone exists for the sole Purp purp of entertaining

for the sole Purp purp of entertaining me dog B you little devil I hope you rot

me dog B you little devil I hope you rot in hell you put us all out of business

in hell you put us all out of business there's a perfect example there ain't no

there's a perfect example there ain't no pot of go at the end of your Rainbow

pot of go at the end of your Rainbow there's a pot of crap you've ruined me

there's a pot of crap you've ruined me I've got a whole Workshop full of

I've got a whole Workshop full of starving reindeer and I don't know where

starving reindeer and I don't know where half of my elves have

half of my elves have gone

gone no where am I going to get work now I'm

no where am I going to get work now I'm a specialist

no gross up yours Cupid get that back lay off cotton

back lay off cotton [Music]

[Music] ass who I haven't got a pot

to it's always a bit tense around the dog birthday holiday

dog birthday holiday [Music]

[Music] dogbert day's always been my favorite

dogbert day's always been my favorite holiday well the Virgin sacrific the

holiday well the Virgin sacrific the senseless Slaughter of endangered

senseless Slaughter of endangered species oh I remember you know when I

species oh I remember you know when I was a child the first time my dad gave

was a child the first time my dad gave me the jewel encrusted dagger to plunge

me the jewel encrusted dagger to plunge into the heart of the young virgin her

into the heart of the young virgin her name was June I think at one time we had

name was June I think at one time we had talked of marriage but when she was dead

talked of marriage but when she was dead we rarely spoke of it anymore it's funny

we rarely spoke of it anymore it's funny how life works out uh just a minor point

how life works out uh just a minor point of clarification dog bird day is a brand

of clarification dog bird day is a brand new holiday it's never been celebrated

new holiday it's never been celebrated before well Christmas had its Scrooge

before well Christmas had its Scrooge and now dog birth day has its Dilbert

and now dog birth day has its Dilbert got to go got to do my dog birthday

got to go got to do my dog birthday shopping oh you'll never guess what I

shopping oh you'll never guess what I got you never go ahead guess I don't

got you never go ahead guess I don't know I'll give you a hint it's made of

know I'll give you a hint it's made of paper and it tells a story I don't know

paper and it tells a story I don't know a book well I hope hope you're happy

a book well I hope hope you're happy you've ruined your own

you've ruined your own [Music]

[Music] surprise and what would you like for dog

surprise and what would you like for dog birt day little lady you're not dog birt

birt day little lady you're not dog birt no but I'm one of his many bitter and

no but I'm one of his many bitter and underpaid helpers what you tell me what

underpaid helpers what you tell me what you want and I'll make sure you get it

you want and I'll make sure you get it just give me your address and leave the

just give me your address and leave the door to your house unlocked tonight help

door to your house unlocked tonight help no

hey no cutting in line I'm not cutting in line I was here you were supposed to

in line I was here you were supposed to save my place I don't know you oh thanks

save my place I don't know you oh thanks do you mind if I stand behind you sure

do you mind if I stand behind you sure hey no cutting in line it's okay he said

hey no cutting in line it's okay he said I could stand behind him he can't give

I could stand behind him he can't give permission to stand behind him in fact

permission to stand behind him in fact the case law is very ambiguous about

the case law is very ambiguous about people you let in front of you well calm

people you let in front of you well calm down fella where is your dog bird Spirit

down fella where is your dog bird Spirit good question maybe I'll call the

good question maybe I'll call the manager what manager there's no manager

manager what manager there's no manager people always think there's a manager

people always think there's a manager some magic manager who's going to put

some magic manager who's going to put things right well there's

Noto hey what no cutting in line I was here how could you be here I was here I

here how could you be here I was here I don't think so was he here I don't know

don't think so was he here I don't know well it looks like it's your word

well it looks like it's your word against his I am not not letting this

against his I am not not letting this happen H you lost your place I didn't I

happen H you lost your place I didn't I back of the line buddy hey don't forget

back of the line buddy hey don't forget your gift

[Music] I'm blind I can't see a

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Applause] are you getting

out you know I think this is the best dog bird Day Parade we've ever covered

dog bird Day Parade we've ever covered hey just a little trivia did you know

hey just a little trivia did you know that those huge balloons are filled with

that those huge balloons are filled with balls of wood well I thought it was

balls of wood well I thought it was helium well aren't you a piece of

helium well aren't you a piece of [Laughter]

[Laughter] wood Alice can you pick up the pace I

wood Alice can you pick up the pace I want people to see what I look like with

want people to see what I look like with my ears blown

my ears blown [Music]

[Music] back that is excellent potato salad I

back that is excellent potato salad I have never had better it's the dill

have never had better it's the dill pickles do not leave here without giving

pickles do not leave here without giving me that recipe es shook can I ask you a

me that recipe es shook can I ask you a question ask away I am on vacation and

question ask away I am on vacation and have all the time in the world what I'm

have all the time in the world what I'm wondering is how can you be so happy why

wondering is how can you be so happy why wouldn't I be happy well you're an

wouldn't I be happy well you're an intern who earns so little you have to

intern who earns so little you have to take your vacation in the restaur room

take your vacation in the restaur room that is true and no one gives you any

that is true and no one gives you any respect whatsoever wh you got me again

respect whatsoever wh you got me again and your family is in India you have to

and your family is in India you have to spend the dog bird Day holiday without

spend the dog bird Day holiday without them not that they're missing much it's

them not that they're missing much it's the most meaningless holiday ever

the most meaningless holiday ever invented what time is it my friend it's

invented what time is it my friend it's 4:45 that means it's almost 7:00 a.m. at

4:45 that means it's almost 7:00 a.m. at my parents home in India they will be

my parents home in India they will be Awakening soon in a few minutes as they

Awakening soon in a few minutes as they have every day since I was born they

have every day since I was born they will wake up and think of me I will be

will wake up and think of me I will be in their thoughts all day the do you

in their thoughts all day the do you think of them all day too no I am often

think of them all day too no I am often caught up in the hustle and bustle of

caught up in the hustle and bustle of cubicle life sometimes I need a reminder

cubicle life sometimes I need a reminder sometimes I need a dog

sometimes I need a dog [Music]

birthday we're stuck now nothing to do but

but wait ramming speed

wait ramming speed [Applause]

well it's not my fault I'm just a [Music]

[Music] drummer it appears that dog bird's float

drummer it appears that dog bird's float is attacking the smaller crippled float

is attacking the smaller crippled float and dog bird has never looked finer his

and dog bird has never looked finer his cape and Crown were designed by elephant

cape and Crown were designed by elephant ooh I didn't think you'd have time to

ooh I didn't think you'd have time to stop by today I wouldn't forget my own

stop by today I wouldn't forget my own mother on dog birthday the dogbert float

mother on dog birthday the dogbert float has now crushed float from the PTA the Z

has now crushed float from the PTA the Z deie French Club and the senior citizen

deie French Club and the senior citizen Republican party but I think we'd all

Republican party but I think we'd all agree that dogbert does look better with

agree that dogbert does look better with his ears blown back by the wind like

his ears blown back by the wind like that you know I hate all the stuff

that you know I hate all the stuff leading up to the holidays but I do like

leading up to the holidays but I do like the holidays themselves it gets a little

the holidays themselves it gets a little hectic in a little commercial on the

hectic in a little commercial on the surface and underneath that it's all

surface and underneath that it's all Hollow and meaningless too but

Hollow and meaningless too but underneath that yes underneath all the

underneath that yes underneath all the layers of holess and crassness and

layers of holess and crassness and vulgarity and commercialism underneath

vulgarity and commercialism underneath all that there is a warmth and a spirit

all that there is a warmth and a spirit to the holiday season you're

to the holiday season you're [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] it's so

it's so cold you know this is the best dog bird

cold you know this is the best dog bird day

day [Music]

ever they say the trick is to marinate it overnight that's what gives it the

flavor did you marinate this no I just slapped it with a spatula till it stop

slapped it with a spatula till it stop trying to get away that's my own little

trying to get away that's my own little trick you won't see that in any fancy

trick you won't see that in any fancy cookbook at least I think you won't I

cookbook at least I think you won't I haven't actually checked

haven't actually checked [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

push the button and see how a giant meteor caused the extinction of the

meteor caused the extinction of the dinosaurs

H until this moment I had trouble visualizing

it if aliens help build the pyramids where are they now did they just

leave H you know what they say history is written by the

winners let me out of this damn thing please someone push the button to

please someone push the button to simulate the storm that brought Amelia

simulate the storm that brought Amelia aart plane

down no not again oh God make it stop it looks very realistic you don't think

looks very realistic you don't think that's the real Amelia aart do you yes I

that's the real Amelia aart do you yes I think the museum found her on an island

think the museum found her on an island and put her in this exhibit same thing

and put her in this exhibit same thing happened to King Kong it's not that

happened to King Kong it's not that unusual come on all

right stop above you are the billions of stars that make up our universe or so we

stars that make up our universe or so we used to think we now know those lights

used to think we now know those lights are an armada of alien ships coming to

are an armada of alien ships coming to destroy the Earth are there any

destroy the Earth are there any questions yeah what's a black hole well

questions yeah what's a black hole well my career would be one example any other

my career would be one example any other questions better not ask him anything

questions better not ask him anything about Uranus I think I've seen enough

about Uranus I think I've seen enough there's only so much learning you can

there's only so much learning you can pack into one day

un bounded little dog somebody help me for Mercy's sake

for Mercy's sake [Laughter]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

he [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] can I ask you a question that's why I'm

can I ask you a question that's why I'm here why don't I ever see any other

here why don't I ever see any other garbage men in this city it's always you

garbage men in this city it's always you I like to work alone that's impossible

I like to work alone that's impossible one garbage man cannot handle the whole

one garbage man cannot handle the whole city I have shortcuts shortcuts what

city I have shortcuts shortcuts what possible shortcuts would let one person

possible shortcuts would let one person handle the

whole well maybe we'll pick this conversation up

conversation up [Music]

[Music] later so tell me more about the many

later so tell me more about the many many ways in which the Stunt Master

many ways in which the Stunt Master 6 can give me the workout of a lifetime

keep rolling keep rolling

rolling uh-huh four easy payments of money will

uh-huh four easy payments of money will order yours today I'm losing

order yours today I'm losing Consciousness and yet I'm still

[Music] aroused input people input but remember

aroused input people input but remember it's already in the can and we can't

it's already in the can and we can't change it if I may use a sports analogy

change it if I may use a sports analogy you really hit the goal poost on that

you really hit the goal poost on that one yes I guess I did I watched it only

one yes I guess I did I watched it only once and already I want to date that

once and already I want to date that model and suffer a head trauma why thank

model and suffer a head trauma why thank you loud Howard you humble me I've said

you loud Howard you humble me I've said it before and I'll say it

it before and I'll say it again what that's as far as I ever get

again what that's as far as I ever get Dilbert you seem strangely silent shall

Dilbert you seem strangely silent shall I interpret that as a sign of deep

I interpret that as a sign of deep respect and dare I say or yes you could

respect and dare I say or yes you could interpret it that way I'm blushing now

interpret it that way I'm blushing now but I can't help wondering aren't we

but I can't help wondering aren't we getting ahead of ourselves with the

getting ahead of ourselves with the infomercial we haven't even tested the

infomercial we haven't even tested the new version of the grunt Master 6000

new version of the grunt Master 6000 we're doing that now we're sending it to

we're doing that now we're sending it to a typical family for Consumer field

a typical family for Consumer field testing that's impossible there's only

testing that's impossible there's only one version of the new grunt master in

one version of the new grunt master in existence and it's sitting in my Design

Lab that thing's not ready for human testing we haven't even lab tested the

testing we haven't even lab tested the technology oh calm down we'll do that

technology oh calm down we'll do that after the graviton generator alone is

after the graviton generator alone is very sensitive the graviton generator

very sensitive the graviton generator alone is very sensitive quit your

alone is very sensitive quit your whining

whining Missy I mean what's the worst thing that

Missy I mean what's the worst thing that could happen if anyone were foolish

could happen if anyone were foolish enough to build a graviton generator it

enough to build a graviton generator it would surely create a black hole that

would surely create a black hole that would annihilate the entire solar system

would annihilate the entire solar system well I don't know what's the worst thing

well I don't know what's the worst thing that could happen but when you start

that could happen but when you start distorting the fabric of space and time

distorting the fabric of space and time stretching and enfolding upon itself

nice try but I don't think you Bor him quite to death excellent nice going was

quite to death excellent nice going was good camp Town lady sing this song doah

good camp Town lady sing this song doah doah what are you waiting for lady start

doah what are you waiting for lady start singing Carol said since he hit his head

singing Carol said since he hit his head he's been talking in his sleep come on

he's been talking in his sleep come on let's get out of here before he wakes up

let's get out of here before he wakes up wait let's just hear what he says

wait let's just hear what he says next

next boom cooked by explosion when you walk

boom cooked by explosion when you walk through a storm hold your head up high

through a storm hold your head up high then you'll trip and fall on your ass in

then you'll trip and fall on your ass in the

the mud is that

mud is that smoke Wally what are you doing well I

smoke Wally what are you doing well I wanted to make some popcorn but somebody

wanted to make some popcorn but somebody was using the microwave and the printer

was using the microwave and the printer has that heater thing and it that makes

has that heater thing and it that makes the paper

warm cooked by explosion didn't the boss say that yeah but he was just babbling

say that yeah but he was just babbling or was he what are you saying that he

or was he what are you saying that he predicted did this would happen I don't

predicted did this would happen I don't know am I predicting the future is

know am I predicting the future is impossible is it yes it violates

impossible is it yes it violates causality there is no way to know

causality there is no way to know something will occur until it occurs or

something will occur until it occurs or is there if you don't stop asking

is there if you don't stop asking rhetorical questions I'm going to kill

rhetorical questions I'm going to kill you are

you are you on the other hand it'd be a pretty

you on the other hand it'd be a pretty big coincidence if the boss just

big coincidence if the boss just happened to mention an explosion right

happened to mention an explosion right before it

before it happened Alice I think he's

dead oh man I was in the tunnel I neglected to mention the one glitch with

neglected to mention the one glitch with the

the infomercial we have to do it all over I

infomercial we have to do it all over I had to fire the babe why depends whose

had to fire the babe why depends whose story you believe mine or the truth I

story you believe mine or the truth I feel like I've seen this popcorn before

feel like I've seen this popcorn before this might be a case of deja

food I can't believe it I can't believe they sent the grunt Master out to some

they sent the grunt Master out to some defenseless family for testing do you

defenseless family for testing do you realize the potential for disaster do

realize the potential for disaster do you

you realiz the mute button only works on the

realiz the mute button only works on the TV it was worth a shot we didn't even

TV it was worth a shot we didn't even have the instruction manual written yet

have the instruction manual written yet that graviton generator is a bit

that graviton generator is a bit unpredictable I only hope and pray they

unpredictable I only hope and pray they found a smart family to test that thing

found a smart family to test that thing otherwise we may be in grave

otherwise we may be in grave [Music]

[Music] trouble eat your pop aome Dorian or you

trouble eat your pop aome Dorian or you ain't getting another one that ain't no

ain't getting another one that ain't no Pome paw that's a raccoon it just looks

Pome paw that's a raccoon it just looks like a raccoon because of the tire

like a raccoon because of the tire marks I believe there's been some

marks I believe there's been some mistake I forgive you all and now I must

mistake I forgive you all and now I must bid you all

bid you all Ado you better hurry up and run them

Ado you better hurry up and run them over again are you sassing me young I

over again are you sassing me young I got half of mine you say you got half of

got half of mine you say you got half of mine you mind your manners Lucas or the

mine you mind your manners Lucas or the baby Jesus will come down here right now

baby Jesus will come down here right now and beat the living out of y'all well I

and beat the living out of y'all well I T afraid of no baby Jesus bring him on

T afraid of no baby Jesus bring him on I'll bring them on you little whipper

I'll bring them on you little whipper snapper hell do you wher he won't

snapper hell do you wher he won't neither

[Applause] [Music]

morons I told you this was stop and this was keep going

pardon me boy is that the Chattanooga Cho Choo I apologize pardon me sir Track

Cho Choo I apologize pardon me sir Track 29 thank you very much Dilbert this is

29 thank you very much Dilbert this is stupid he's been talking nonsense for

stupid he's been talking nonsense for years and no one thought he was psychic

years and no one thought he was psychic before the only difference now is he has

before the only difference now is he has his eyes closed squidders patch teos the

his eyes closed squidders patch teos the darkness engulfs us the hole the hole in

darkness engulfs us the hole the hole in space in time the void the abys from

space in time the void the abys from which no light escapes from which No

which no light escapes from which No Life

Life Escapes a little brown Jugo you're for

Escapes a little brown Jugo you're for me fiddle d dumb and Fiddle d d little

me fiddle d dumb and Fiddle d d little bound Jugo you're for me as long as it's

bound Jugo you're for me as long as it's filled with plenty of

filled with plenty of booze let's see what the skeptic Society

booze let's see what the skeptic Society has to say about

[Music] this I assume this is Alice the woman I

this I assume this is Alice the woman I met at the skeptic Society dinner how

met at the skeptic Society dinner how did you you do that that's

did you you do that that's incredible a magician never gives away

incredible a magician never gives away his secret well the reason I called is

his secret well the reason I called is because you want me to debunk your

because you want me to debunk your boss's alleged psychic claims wow at

boss's alleged psychic claims wow at least tell me how you did that one wish

least tell me how you did that one wish I could all right so when can you get

I could all right so when can you get [Music]

[Music] here are you telling me that was a trick

here are you telling me that was a trick too yes Alice a good magician can

too yes Alice a good magician can duplicate any trick done by a so-called

duplicate any trick done by a so-called psychic or Mentalist for example watch

this down [Music]

[Music] Downs Lucas if you break it the baby

Downs Lucas if you break it the baby Jesus will take you to hell and burn you

Jesus will take you to hell and burn you like a pork chop for

eternity what the I ain't never see Loy that don't look

right you've just been listening to a song I was on the phone so I have no

song I was on the phone so I have no idea what it was now the news we take

idea what it was now the news we take you to our sister station K that's all

you to our sister station K that's all we could think of squidders patch

Texas oh my God my worst fear has come true you mean a pregnant spider crawled

true you mean a pregnant spider crawled up your nose while you were sleeping and

up your nose while you were sleeping and laid eggs in your head okay my second

laid eggs in your head okay my second worst fear that you'll destroy the world

worst fear that you'll destroy the world with one of your inventions yes dogbert

with one of your inventions yes dogbert we've got to go to squiders patch

we've got to go to squiders patch [Music]

immediately I Dream of Genie with the light yellow

Dream of Genie with the light yellow hair floating

hair floating like a vapor in the soft summer

like a vapor in the soft summer air whoa that's no

air whoa that's no Vapor wall don't tell me You' bought

Vapor wall don't tell me You' bought into this scam it's my Ultimate Fantasy

into this scam it's my Ultimate Fantasy everyone is bald and poorly dressed and

everyone is bald and poorly dressed and if you hadn't noticed no one is doing

if you hadn't noticed no one is doing anything that looks like work it's

anything that looks like work it's Utopia not for long I brought a world

Utopia not for long I brought a world famous skeptic to debunk that fraud

famous skeptic to debunk that fraud Wall-E Meet the Amazing Rudolph please

Wall-E Meet the Amazing Rudolph please call me

call me the I don't do that forget the chit

the I don't do that forget the chit check get to work

check get to work people I am the amazing Rudolph and I

people I am the amazing Rudolph and I will show you how easily a skilled

will show you how easily a skilled magician can reproduce any of these

magician can reproduce any of these so-called psychic

tricks whoops he's a witch no just a skilled Illusionist that is my point if

skilled Illusionist that is my point if you're just an Illusionist tell us how

you're just an Illusionist tell us how you made the bird appear a magician

you made the bird appear a magician never Reveals His tricks I'm bound by

never Reveals His tricks I'm bound by The Magician's Code of Ethics well

The Magician's Code of Ethics well that's awfully convenient isn't it that

that's awfully convenient isn't it that sounds like something a witch would say

sounds like something a witch would say kill the

kill the witch she was the daughter of Rosie

witch she was the daughter of Rosie Grady a regular old fashion girl with

Grady a regular old fashion girl with one important distinction listen he

one important distinction listen he wants us to go to Texas and throw the

wants us to go to Texas and throw the witch in the black

witch in the black hole he didn't say that I know but I've

hole he didn't say that I know but I've always wanted to go to

Texas people I can't give away my Trade Secrets but perhaps I can give you a

hint all right I'll tell you I'll tell you everything nah forget it now we'd

you everything nah forget it now we'd rather throw you in the hole come on I

rather throw you in the hole come on I ain't got all day

ain't got all day [Music]

that's a good sign I heard you can tell a place is okay if the truckers eat

there I guess excuse me just ain't going to cut it

no so what can I get you fellas to swallow could we see a menu this ain't

swallow could we see a menu this ain't Paris boy okay give us two of whatever

Paris boy okay give us two of whatever you've touched the least two soaps make

you've touched the least two soaps make that

that one hey what's happening to my cup hey

one hey what's happening to my cup hey what

the hey Eustace what's making everything all stretchy I ain't paying for this

all stretchy I ain't paying for this here

here gas I'd say squidders patch is that

[Music] way I'll meet you at the black hole I

way I'll meet you at the black hole I think we need some

help professor St Hawking please sign here if you

would thank you send up Professor Hawking straight away here he

Hawking straight away here he comes here you are one Nobel prize

comes here you are one Nobel prize winning lucasi and professor of

winning lucasi and professor of mathematics expert on all astrophysical

mathematics expert on all astrophysical phenomena and black hoes in particular

phenomena and black hoes in particular hello dog bird hey Steve will there be

hello dog bird hey Steve will there be anything else how do I move him around

anything else how do I move him around oh terribly sorry just use this

oh terribly sorry just use this [Music]

I'll answer any engineering or scientific questions about the black

scientific questions about the black hole phenomenon has anyone famous ever

hole phenomenon has anyone famous ever had sexual relations near a black hole

had sexual relations near a black hole not that I know of then you don't deny

not that I know of then you don't deny that someone famous has had sexual

that someone famous has had sexual relations near a black

relations near a black hole does anyone have a question about

hole does anyone have a question about the

the science there's nothing here

science there's nothing here [Music]

wow you're Steven Hawking I read your book did you buy it or read it in the

book did you buy it or read it in the library I think I borrowed it you gep

library I think I borrowed it you gep bastard boys please can we focus on this

bastard boys please can we focus on this black hole problem there is no rush as

black hole problem there is no rush as long as nothing disturbs The Singularity

long as nothing disturbs The Singularity the hole will grow

the hole will grow very

very [Music]

slowly where's rude come on Wall-E dance with us I don't hold hands I'm only in

with us I don't hold hands I'm only in it for fashion reasons come on

alive check that Wally

that Wally Wally is gone don't thank me thank the

Wally is gone don't thank me thank the black

black hole someone must go into the

hole someone must go into the singularity and stop whatever caused the

singularity and stop whatever caused the black hole in the first place it's a

black hole in the first place it's a simple case of Wormhole travel using a

simple case of Wormhole travel using a shortcut in

shortcut in SpaceTime well you listen you pick up a

SpaceTime well you listen you pick up a few things but he was my friend it's all

few things but he was my friend it's all my fault I caused this to happen I'm

my fault I caused this to happen I'm going in after him

me just let me get my breath this is a big step lots of unknowns Peril beyond

big step lots of unknowns Peril beyond belief one small step

for jilbert you seem strangely silent shall

jilbert you seem strangely silent shall I interpret that as a sign of deep

I interpret that as a sign of deep respect and dare I say Awe yes you could

respect and dare I say Awe yes you could interpret it that way I'm blushing now

interpret it that way I'm blushing now but I can't help wondering aren't we

but I can't help wondering aren't we getting ahead of ourselves with the

getting ahead of ourselves with the infomercial we haven't even tested the

infomercial we haven't even tested the new version of the gruntmaster 6000

new version of the gruntmaster 6000 we're doing that now we're sending it to

we're doing that now we're sending it to a typical family for Consumer field

a typical family for Consumer field testing that's impossible there's only

testing that's impossible there's only one it's in my would you excuse me

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] yes the doors locked oh well in that

case CH Shine On Harvest Moon up in the sky

CH Shine On Harvest Moon up in the sky a had no loving since see January 30th

a had no loving since see January 30th 1955

1955 [Music]

[Music] huh and the farmer's daughter says I see

huh and the farmer's daughter says I see you f by c e hey what's so funny nothing

you f by c e hey what's so funny nothing is it garbage day again it's always

is it garbage day again it's always garbage day

garbage day somewhere Professor Hawking what are you

somewhere Professor Hawking what are you doing here isn't this several thousand

doing here isn't this several thousand miles out of your way actually it's a

miles out of your way actually it's a shortcut a shortcut my street is a

shortcut a shortcut my street is a shortcut to England yes will Somebody

shortcut to England yes will Somebody explain to me what's going on no

explain to me what's going on no no hey I've got a copy of your book in

no hey I've got a copy of your book in my trunk would you mind signing it I

my trunk would you mind signing it I already signed it no you didn't it's

already signed it no you didn't it's locked in my trunk I'll wager $5 I

locked in my trunk I'll wager $5 I already signed

already signed it you're on

it you're on [Music]

the joke's on him he'll never be able to collect the five

you didn't really think you'd win a bet with a Nobel prize winning Lucasian

with a Nobel prize winning Lucasian professor of mathematics at least I

professor of mathematics at least I didn't pay for his stupid book

didn't pay for his stupid book [Music]

get out of bed resistance isal wake up and assimilate the day get out of bed

and assimilate the day get out of bed resistance isal wake up and assimilate

resistance isal wake up and assimilate the day I wonder if I could ever date a

the day I wonder if I could ever date a woman like Jerry Ryan that too is feudal

woman like Jerry Ryan that too is feudal okay that's enough out of you do not

okay that's enough out of you do not touch me then how do I turn you off

touch me then how do I turn you off believe me I am plenty turned off right

believe me I am plenty turned off right now clock

teas dogbert why are you trying to kill the mailman I'm just seeing how much he

the mailman I'm just seeing how much he can carry he's up to seven times his own

can carry he's up to seven times his own weight

neither rain nor sleep nor the hell with that

ow I'd put an end to this cruel game except we're saving a fortune on heating

except we're saving a fortune on heating bills

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] CH yes

CH yes [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

and what makes these gift catalogs doesn't anything qualify as a gift if

doesn't anything qualify as a gift if you give it to someone I think they mean

you give it to someone I think they mean it's stuff you wouldn't in a million

it's stuff you wouldn't in a million years buy for yourself if you wouldn't

years buy for yourself if you wouldn't buy it for yourself then who needs

buy it for yourself then who needs someone to buy it for you it's the

someone to buy it for you it's the thought that counts on that same topic

thought that counts on that same topic it's your mother's birthday next week oh

it's your mother's birthday next week oh no not again so soon it seems like only

no not again so soon it seems like only a year ago I was giving her something

a year ago I was giving her something she hates help I can't swim you're not

she hates help I can't swim you're not going to drown you're just covered with

going to drown you're just covered with cataloges B help by can

cataloges B help by can read why don't you get your mom

read why don't you get your mom something from the mall no oh yes I

something from the mall no oh yes I forgot the Unspeakable event from your

forgot the Unspeakable event from your youth don't you think it's time you got

youth don't you think it's time you got over that I'm sure I can find the

over that I'm sure I can find the perfect present for mom without leaving

perfect present for mom without leaving this couch today we'll be featuring our

this couch today we'll be featuring our special line of moon conium gems as

special line of moon conium gems as black and Sy as real moon rocks plus

black and Sy as real moon rocks plus they're guaranteed for three months

they're guaranteed for three months moonium but first the latest in

moonium but first the latest in high-tech surveillance equipment

high-tech surveillance equipment straight from the tattered remains of

straight from the tattered remains of the cash desperate former KGB hand me

the cash desperate former KGB hand me the phone my mother does not want spy

the phone my mother does not want spy gear for her birthday it's not for her

gear for her birthday it's not for her it's to use on her we'll find out

it's to use on her we'll find out exactly what she wants it's wrong but I

exactly what she wants it's wrong but I would like an excuse to buy some spy

would like an excuse to buy some spy equipment this is insane wait Target in

equipment this is insane wait Target in motion she's headed for the

motion she's headed for the [Music]

[Music] den yes officer there's two of them a

den yes officer there's two of them a big one and a small one I don't know

big one and a small one I don't know what they're doing but they've been out

what they're doing but they've been out there for hours I think they might be

there for hours I think they might be aiming some kind of Ray at my

aiming some kind of Ray at my house I suppose they could be terrorists

house I suppose they could be terrorists now that you mention it or maybe our own

now that you mention it or maybe our own people I've written some strong letters

people I've written some strong letters to the FED about monetary policy all

to the FED about monetary policy all right I think we've gathered enough

right I think we've gathered enough intelligence stop and we'll shoot stop

intelligence stop and we'll shoot stop and we'll shoot if you're going to shoot

and we'll shoot if you're going to shoot why should we stop well it would be a

why should we stop well it would be a lot easier for us the targets at the

lot easier for us the targets at the shooting range don't run are you

shooting range don't run are you thinking what I'm thinking that if I get

thinking what I'm thinking that if I get a head start running your body will

a head start running your body will shield me from the spray of

shield me from the spray of bullets hold your fire they're

running a sh could you clean that up I am an engineering intern not a coffee

am an engineering intern not a coffee cleaner uper Alice could you clean up

cleaner uper Alice could you clean up the coffee spill our intern has suddenly

the coffee spill our intern has suddenly discovered dignity sure no problem I

discovered dignity sure no problem I don't mind see she doesn't have

don't mind see she doesn't have a there you

a there you go why don't you just get your mom a

go why don't you just get your mom a gift certificate no I got her cash last

gift certificate no I got her cash last year she said it was insulting but a

year she said it was insulting but a gift certificate is completely different

gift certificate is completely different from cash no it's not they're both

from cash no it's not they're both pieces of paper you can exchange for

pieces of paper you can exchange for goods and services you're missing the

goods and services you're missing the point actually a gift certificate is

point actually a gift certificate is worse than cash because you can only use

worse than cash because you can only use it in one place and it expires at least

it in one place and it expires at least it shows some thought it shows defective

it shows some thought it shows defective thought you're trading perfectly good

thought you're trading perfectly good money for something that does the the

money for something that does the the same thing only not as well oh one other

same thing only not as well oh one other thing Dilbert shut up why do you not go

thing Dilbert shut up why do you not go to the mall of shopping yeah Dilbert why

to the mall of shopping yeah Dilbert why don't you just get her something at the

mall Gilbert you okay I'm totally fine what are you

okay I'm totally fine what are you accusing me of everyone's afraid of

accusing me of everyone's afraid of something I don't want to talk about

something I don't want to talk about it well back to

it well back to work you know if we tried to get to the

work you know if we tried to get to the bottom of this it could kill the whole

bottom of this it could kill the whole morning and yet it would look exactly

morning and yet it would look exactly like work to the Casual Observer I'm

like work to the Casual Observer I'm in come on Delbert it's me your old pal

in come on Delbert it's me your old pal what's the point of an office friendship

what's the point of an office friendship if you don't expose each other's

if you don't expose each other's weaknesses and then ridicule them he's

weaknesses and then ridicule them he's right Dilbert all most of us have to get

right Dilbert all most of us have to get us through the day is knowing that we're

us through the day is knowing that we're slightly better than somebody else fine

slightly better than somebody else fine fine I'll tell you why I'm uncomfortable

fine I'll tell you why I'm uncomfortable going to the

going to the mall it all happened when I was 5 years

mall it all happened when I was 5 years old my father took me to the the all for

old my father took me to the the all for the first

time daddy I think those machines are calling me ooh ooh ooh when we get home

calling me ooh ooh ooh when we get home I'll see if there's some sort of

I'll see if there's some sort of prescription drug to dull your spirit

prescription drug to dull your spirit right now we need to buy your mother a

right now we need to buy your mother a birthday

birthday gift all you can eat all you can eat

gift all you can eat all you can eat we'll see about that

we'll see about that [Music]

daddy what's the matter little boy are you lost where are your parents did they

you lost where are your parents did they leave you all alone no no no no my

leave you all alone no no no no my father's over what does he look like he

father's over what does he look like he he looks big and he's got a a hat and he

he looks big and he's got a a hat and he Daddy Daddy Daddy Daddy

again I will take you to the mall Dilbert I will help you find your father

Dilbert I will help you find your father and I will buy some batteries while I'm

and I will buy some batteries while I'm there Wally this is so unlike you why

there Wally this is so unlike you why are you offering the help help me I'm

are you offering the help help me I'm out of

batteries it just came in the mail it's the greatest breakthrough in

mail it's the greatest breakthrough in market research since the the other one

market research since the the other one I was going to say other one you boys

I was going to say other one you boys from marketing have done it again you

from marketing have done it again you you're like the

you're like the three guys from marketing who bring us

three guys from marketing who bring us things like this does it get

things like this does it get HBO according to the direction you just

HBO according to the direction you just strap it on some sucker's head and it

strap it on some sucker's head and it records his excitement level when

records his excitement level when exposed to various shopping stimuli we

exposed to various shopping stimuli we need to test it out on someone who shops

need to test it out on someone who shops I.E a

oh this is so sexist I am not the only person in this room who shops where do

person in this room who shops where do you get the clothes you're wearing I won

you get the clothes you're wearing I won these clothes in a contest yeah I always

these clothes in a contest yeah I always pick up an extra suitcase at the airport

pick up an extra suitcase at the airport luggage carousel we're wearing his hand

luggage carousel we're wearing his hand me downs sometimes I just find stuff

me downs sometimes I just find stuff after I

thing time to see how my stocks are doing hello and welcome to movie phone

doing hello and welcome to movie phone if you know the name of the movie you'd

if you know the name of the movie you'd like to see press one i

like to see press one i b m you have purchased tickets for

b m you have purchased tickets for gruesome Carnage at the big mall clex if

gruesome Carnage at the big mall clex if this purchase is correct press one i

this purchase is correct press one i b m thank you oh the heck with this this

b m thank you oh the heck with this this thing never works anyway maybe I'll duck

thing never works anyway maybe I'll duck out and catch a

out and catch a flick gruesome Carnage is at the big

flick gruesome Carnage is at the big mall clex I'm

mall clex I'm there I can't believe I finally return

there I can't believe I finally return to the source of all my childhood angst

to the source of all my childhood angst I feel like this is where I'll either

I feel like this is where I'll either conquer my demons or be destroyed by

them you got any gum ah is that so you don't have to confront your fear this my

don't have to confront your fear this my friend is the latest in virtual reality

friend is the latest in virtual reality parking technology if there's a parking

parking technology if there's a parking space in here I'll find it

space in here I'll find it [Music]

what's wrong with following someone with a bunch of packages to their car too

a bunch of packages to their car too risky

risky and there the perfect

and there the perfect spot could somebody hit three

please uh let's see we're here we are aren't we I suppose I could be wrong if

aren't we I suppose I could be wrong if we're not here then where are we and if

we're not here then where are we and if we are here where is here isn't here

we are here where is here isn't here there I would think here is here you

there I would think here is here you would here's there there's

[Music] here this isn't working

here this isn't working I told you we should buy the oxygen not

I told you we should buy the oxygen not just the masks I just can't bring myself

just the masks I just can't bring myself to buy

hey that's the j400 model that's the same one I have that'll cut through a

same one I have that'll cut through a limb like it's a roll of cookie dough

limb like it's a roll of cookie dough once I was giving myself a haircut and a

once I was giving myself a haircut and a darn near severed M you shut

up uh Wall-E I think we're about to be attacked oh don't worry about the

attacked oh don't worry about the natives natives yeah they're the mall

natives natives yeah they're the mall natives they're A Primitive society that

natives they're A Primitive society that live in the mall why do they live in the

live in the mall why do they live in the mall Legend has it they came for the

mall Legend has it they came for the early morning power walks and just

early morning power walks and just stayed huh BS and Nobles palis Big Boy

stayed huh BS and Nobles palis Big Boy nordstr discount Spencer gift he says

nordstr discount Spencer gift he says you look familiar he does who do I look

you look familiar he does who do I look like uh let's see uh natural wonders Gap

like uh let's see uh natural wonders Gap Kids W the book

limited limited two Montgomery War limited two Disney Store wetzels

limited two Disney Store wetzels pretzels they say there's a legend of a

pretzels they say there's a legend of a man who looks a lot like you living at

man who looks a lot like you living at the all not because he can't escape but

the all not because he can't escape but because he likes it here

C do they know where the red oyster is do they know how to get

do they know how to get there Blockbuster Video ATM Restoration

there Blockbuster Video ATM Restoration Hardware LensCrafters Robinson Mayu sp

Hardware LensCrafters Robinson Mayu sp sp they fear the food court great

sp they fear the food court great [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

that's right fear it a $50,000 spending limit in just 7.4%

interest that was a good one I'll bet you can't fling that nun into the

you can't fling that nun into the decorative

decorative Fountain I couldn't do that W it's a

Fountain I couldn't do that W it's a simple matter of aerodynamics you'd

simple matter of aerodynamics you'd never get the distance with the nun but

never get the distance with the nun but you see this next guy with the huge

you see this next guy with the huge pants he'll Glide like a flying

pants he'll Glide like a flying [Music]

[Music] squirrel yo this is totally

squirrel yo this is totally [Music]

spacious do it again do it again all right one

more why are people flying off the escalator and what happened to dog BT

escalator and what happened to dog BT and why do I think those questions are

and why do I think those questions are related we must not concern ourselves

related we must not concern ourselves with questions beyond our realm now we

with questions beyond our realm now we must focus on the task at

directions excuse me this is all we have as far as you're concerned I'm not here

as far as you're concerned I'm not here to shop I need directions to the red

to shop I need directions to the red oyster restaurant go out that way turn

oyster restaurant go out that way turn left yes turn left and don't come back

thanks Alice is excited by the prospect of purchasing those shoes this can't be

of purchasing those shoes this can't be right I'm an engineer I wear shoes to

right I'm an engineer I wear shoes to protect my feet not because they look

[Music] pretty shut up

if we go down this Hall leap off the mezzanine onto the custom t-shirt cart

mezzanine onto the custom t-shirt cart then we can drop a rope swing into

then we can drop a rope swing into Victoria's Secret and set up camp for

Victoria's Secret and set up camp for the

night Daddy

[Music] Daddy Alice Wall-E I shook

what's the matter with him drunk maybe he just seems drunk maybe he's got that

he just seems drunk maybe he's got that disease alcoholism yeah that's

disease alcoholism yeah that's [Music]

eat dad Dilbert is that you yes it's me Dad what are you doing here quite simply

Dad what are you doing here quite simply I'm not done but why continue why not

I'm not done but why continue why not just come home I can't son I know it's

just come home I can't son I know it's hard to understand but it's all you can

hard to understand but it's all you can eat I don't understand why is that so

eat I don't understand why is that so important to you oh in the beginning it

important to you oh in the beginning it was just a challenge man against Buffet

was just a challenge man against Buffet human pitted against an Ever Changing

human pitted against an Ever Changing array of hot and cold dishes but I can't

array of hot and cold dishes but I can't give up now son what would you think of

give up now son what would you think of me then couldn't you call it a draw I

me then couldn't you call it a draw I mean you put up a heck of a fight I

mean you put up a heck of a fight I thought about it but it became more than

thought about it but it became more than a contest of Wills all you can eat isn't

a contest of Wills all you can eat isn't just a pricing plan it's a philosophy a

just a pricing plan it's a philosophy a way of life a commitment and we must

way of life a commitment and we must honor our commitments remember Dilbert

honor our commitments remember Dilbert at the all you can eat buffet the only

at the all you can eat buffet the only obstacle is yourself or an obstructed

obstacle is yourself or an obstructed colon does that mean you won't leave

colon does that mean you won't leave only when I'm finished it's my moral

only when I'm finished it's my moral duty to fill my plate up again and again

duty to fill my plate up again and again and again if you don't fill yourself up

and again if you don't fill yourself up Dilbert then you're empty you see what I

Dilbert then you're empty you see what I mean son I think so son you will never

mean son I think so son you will never find what you seek until you stop

find what you seek until you stop looking for instance for years they

looking for instance for years they stopped serving Jello mold until I

stopped serving Jello mold until I stopped seeking it sure enough there it

stopped seeking it sure enough there it was in three new colors lime raspberry

was in three new colors lime raspberry and mango you follow me Dilbert yes Dad

and mango you follow me Dilbert yes Dad good I must go to the buffet now my son

good I must go to the buffet now my son because you're hungry it's like I'm

because you're hungry it's like I'm talking to the

talking to the broccoli a goodbye Dilbert tell your

broccoli a goodbye Dilbert tell your mother they have

pie goodbye Dad

okay we can go finally where's the parking stub we

go finally where's the parking stub we need to get it validated I gave it to

need to get it validated I gave it to you no you didn't I gave it to you no

you no you didn't I gave it to you no way maybe you gave it to a Shu me I

way maybe you gave it to a Shu me I never touched that ticket well now we're

never touched that ticket well now we're going to have to pay the maximum charge

going to have to pay the maximum charge we it's your car buddy can't we split it

we it's your car buddy can't we split it sure you two can I will take public

sure you two can I will take public transportation I dare you this is

transportation I dare you this is amazing who buys this kind of crap

[Music] hat let's see oh the husband is the

killer um oh the president and the waitress are the same person what

a o this is a good one it turns out the human scientist is actually working for

human scientist is actually working for the aliens you'd never have guessed

the aliens you'd never have guessed it wait Did you know that popcorn is

it wait Did you know that popcorn is mostly air and it's marked up over

mostly air and it's marked up over 5,000% you're paying for overpriced air

5,000% you're paying for overpriced air wake up

wake up people there he is Chase him down

[Music] oh come on one more oh all

oh come on one more oh all [Music]

[Music] right I bet this is how cir tole got

right I bet this is how cir tole got started mhm

thank you dog bird this is very nice there's only one like it you always get

there's only one like it you always get me the nicest things dogbert and ratbert

me the nicest things dogbert and ratbert got me some unidentified thing with

got me some unidentified thing with saliva on it there's lots more where

saliva on it there's lots more where that came from I'm sure there is dear

that came from I'm sure there is dear thank you and last but not least

thank you and last but not least whatever Dilbert got me a gift

whatever Dilbert got me a gift certificate oh and look it's got a

certificate oh and look it's got a little expiration date right there in

little expiration date right there in the corner you hate it don't you oh I

the corner you hate it don't you oh I love it dear you've traded your money

love it dear you've traded your money for something that's just like money but

for something that's just like money but much more restricted I kind of ran out

much more restricted I kind of ran out of time at the mall you went to the mall

of time at the mall you went to the mall for me well yeah you're terrified of the

for me well yeah you're terrified of the mall

mall yeah oh and there's this oh my

hi well at least he looks well fed that he is did he say anything Dilbert did he

he is did he say anything Dilbert did he say anything he

say anything he said there's pie

said there's pie [Music]

that that was even more fascinating than last week could we go someplace else

last week could we go someplace else next time Mom any place please there's

next time Mom any place please there's so much more to see we practically ran

so much more to see we practically ran through the exhibit of giraffe neck

through the exhibit of giraffe neck babies those babies are so fake oh

babies those babies are so fake oh they're real that's not the sort of

they're real that's not the sort of thing they'd lie about that's exactly

thing they'd lie about that's exactly the sort of thing they'd lie about back

the sort of thing they'd lie about back me up on this dog BT oh they're

real how did you get so distrustful well I'm just guessing but

distrustful well I'm just guessing but maybe it was because you lied to me

maybe it was because you lied to me about the Tooth Fairy then you lied to

about the Tooth Fairy then you lied to me about the Easter Bunny then you lied

me about the Easter Bunny then you lied to me about Santa Claus then you lied to

to me about Santa Claus then you lied to me about the storf bringing babies he

me about the storf bringing babies he knows about the stor my fault I let him

knows about the stor my fault I let him watch the nature Channel he put two and

watch the nature Channel he put two and two together now I don't believe

two together now I don't believe anything I'm told unless there's proof

anything I'm told unless there's proof this paper weight is an exact replica of

this paper weight is an exact replica of the largest fibroid tumor ever removed

the largest fibroid tumor ever removed from a human uterus that's ridiculous

from a human uterus that's ridiculous how do they know it's the biggest one

how do they know it's the biggest one there's an annual Festival in

Monteray get the turbo Supreme the commercial says it whitens your teeth

commercial says it whitens your teeth while you drive that's ridiculous but

while you drive that's ridiculous but I'm going to get the turbo Supreme just

I'm going to get the turbo Supreme just to prove you

wrong you have to believe in some things without proof Dilbert otherwise life

without proof Dilbert otherwise life will appear meaningless maybe life is

will appear meaningless maybe life is meaningless did you ever think of that

meaningless did you ever think of that that one is getting lighter

that one is getting lighter already dogberg could you go inside and

already dogberg could you go inside and take care of our

take care of our [Music]

[Music] bill do you ever feel bloated after

bill do you ever feel bloated after eating a big meal yes I do how' you know

eating a big meal yes I do how' you know that I'm a surgeon your problem is

that I'm a surgeon your problem is caused by a huge fibroid tumor in your

caused by a huge fibroid tumor in your uterus I can remove it if you have a

uterus I can remove it if you have a health plan I don't have a health

health plan I don't have a health plan can I pay you with gas ah all right

plan can I pay you with gas ah all right I'll need a plastic fork a jar of salsa

I'll need a plastic fork a jar of salsa and one thing I left in the

car I'll always remember the day that little surgeon saved my life I'm telling

little surgeon saved my life I'm telling you it's dangerous to smoke cigarettes

you it's dangerous to smoke cigarettes while you pump gas my daddy always

while you pump gas my daddy always pumped gas this way and he's still alive

pumped gas this way and he's still alive or at least it looks that way when the

or at least it looks that way when the wind catches his rocking chair just

wind catches his rocking chair just right you can open your eyes now that

right you can open your eyes now that didn't even Hur I'll have to send this

didn't even Hur I'll have to send this to the

to the lab bad news you're out of Turbo Supreme

lab bad news you're out of Turbo Supreme [Music]

[Music] [Laughter]

[Laughter] [Music]

[Music] [Laughter]

[Laughter] [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

oh my God Dilbert can you hear me can you do something for him little surgeon

you do something for him little surgeon no I use the last of the plastic forks

no I use the last of the plastic forks when I operated on you whatever happens

when I operated on you whatever happens is on your conscience now wake up

is on your conscience now wake up filbert wake up can you hear me

I must be dead this is the tunnel I keep reading

about behind this door are the answers to the ultimate questions the afterlife

more he's dead Dilbert is dead are you sure here

yes hey I don't know what kind of manners

hey I don't know what kind of manners they have in the afterlife funny boy but

they have in the afterlife funny boy but on Earth you watch your hands am I

alive actually you're down a court you're a miracle worker little surgeon

you're a miracle worker little surgeon you got that right dear now that you're

you got that right dear now that you're alive again I need to ask you one very

alive again I need to ask you one very important question yes Mom are my teeth

important question yes Mom are my teeth any

whiter and then I traveled back down the tunnel and woke up at the gas station

tunnel and woke up at the gas station are you telling me the afterlife is a

are you telling me the afterlife is a stinking cubicle I'm just telling you

stinking cubicle I'm just telling you what I saw how fast was the internet

what I saw how fast was the internet connection I don't know if it had an

connection I don't know if it had an internet connection well this raises

internet connection well this raises many troubling questions about the

many troubling questions about the afterlife first how do you get your

afterlife first how do you get your softare were

softare were upgraded I guess it was just the one

upgraded I guess it was just the one question so technically you were dead I

question so technically you were dead I think so no more employee benefits for

think so no more employee benefits for you my dead friend but I came back to

you my dead friend but I came back to life rules or rules can't change me try

life rules or rules can't change me try to look at the big picture happy

to look at the big picture happy birthday Wall-E blah blah blah everybody

birthday Wall-E blah blah blah everybody eat cake and see if your morale goes up

eat cake and see if your morale goes up yeah I'd love to stay but secretaries

yeah I'd love to stay but secretaries have to watch the phones oh sure I can

have to watch the phones oh sure I can buy the cake and I can buy the gift but

buy the cake and I can buy the gift but the world would end if I let one phone

the world would end if I let one phone call go to voicemail sometimes I call

call go to voicemail sometimes I call her my

boss that usually gets a laugh did anyone bring the birthday kit got

it do we get any cake Howard whose birthday is it yours does anyone care

birthday is it yours does anyone care that I was dead yesterday can you let

that I was dead yesterday can you let someone else be in the spotlight for one

someone else be in the spotlight for one second We Can't Stop a birthday

second We Can't Stop a birthday celebration every time you

celebration every time you die uh unwrap my present I'm a little

die uh unwrap my present I'm a little busy I am

busy I am honored oh it is a round thing you throw

honored oh it is a round thing you throw through the air for no apparent

reason H I'll take the picture so there's no photographic evidence that I

there's no photographic evidence that I ever associated with any of

you w-e

napkin where have I seen this before before we get back to work I want

before before we get back to work I want to remind everyone that all employees

to remind everyone that all employees must be present at the launch site when

must be present at the launch site when our new deep space exploration rocket

our new deep space exploration rocket goes up in about 5 minutes 5 minutes we

goes up in about 5 minutes 5 minutes we can't get there in 5 minutes no

exceptions except you Dilbert I want you to visit our director of Human Resources

to visit our director of Human Resources Mr

catbert let me out please I'll never Rob another convenience store again I'm

another convenience store again I'm Scared

Straight oh God how would you feel about making this

God how would you feel about making this an unmanned probe uh that's what it's

an unmanned probe uh that's what it's supposed to be there's still time to put

supposed to be there's still time to put a monkey in there I hate

a monkey in there I hate monkeys no all we want on board is the

monkeys no all we want on board is the capsule full of Earth artifacts in case

capsule full of Earth artifacts in case the rocket is discovered by an alien

the rocket is discovered by an alien civilization a capsule you say the

civilization a capsule you say the capsule is on board isn't

capsule is on board isn't it would you excuse me for a

it would you excuse me for a moment I need someone to volunteer for a

moment I need someone to volunteer for a suicide mission now you'll need to run

suicide mission now you'll need to run toward the launch site and fling this

toward the launch site and fling this birthday kit through the open window of

birthday kit through the open window of the rocket module then turn and be cons

the rocket module then turn and be cons assumed by the launch Flames while

assumed by the launch Flames while trying to get back oh nature was calling

trying to get back oh nature was calling me did I miss anything

me did I miss anything important 19 18 17 16 50 if I can

important 19 18 17 16 50 if I can succeed in this assignment I will be

succeed in this assignment I will be remembered and rewarded for the rest of

remembered and rewarded for the rest of my

my [Music]

[Music] career 8 7 6 yes 5 4 3 2 1

career 8 7 6 yes 5 4 3 2 1 stupid

stupid bird anyone know what kind that

is and remember any friend who won't join your downline Salesforce is no

join your downline Salesforce is no friend of

yours gullible sheep I could tell them anything right now if you believe you

anything right now if you believe you can get rich with multi-level marketing

can get rich with multi-level marketing slap yourself in the face real

slap yourself in the face real hard every time I still can't believe

it so you admit you were dead yes but very briefly that's no reason to cancel

very briefly that's no reason to cancel my employee benefits well at the risk of

my employee benefits well at the risk of sounding sadistic and uncaring our

sounding sadistic and uncaring our policy is to discontinue benefits at

policy is to discontinue benefits at death that only applies to people who

death that only applies to people who stay dead I was only dead for a minute

stay dead I was only dead for a minute if I granted this exception everyone

if I granted this exception everyone would claim they were coming back to

would claim they were coming back to life later oh do whatever you want it

life later oh do whatever you want it doesn't make a difference we all just

doesn't make a difference we all just die and end up in a cubicle anyway pray

die and end up in a cubicle anyway pray tell what did you have in mind Angels

tell what did you have in mind Angels playing harps on a cloud

playing harps on a cloud well no well tell me Dilbert I'm curious

well no well tell me Dilbert I'm curious what is your vision of the afterlife

what is your vision of the afterlife well

well actually uh well oh I'm sorry your time

actually uh well oh I'm sorry your time is up literally we have some nice

is up literally we have some nice parting gifts for you Dilbert tell him

parting gifts for you Dilbert tell him what we have for him

what we have for him nothing hey

what oh do you think this was all part of the present presentation he was

of the present presentation he was supposed to give us the new vision

supposed to give us the new vision statement maybe it's inside we're

statement maybe it's inside we're supposed to interpret

it it looks like some sort of holy man look at the

look at the Halo it says to Wall-E on

Halo it says to Wall-E on it this must be a picture of the

it this must be a picture of the Wall-E and that must be his holy plastic

Wall-E and that must be his holy plastic Grail

[Music] it's the shroud of

[Music] Wall-E as you know yesterday's rocket

Wall-E as you know yesterday's rocket launch was a complete success uh could

launch was a complete success uh could you use the laser pointer I'm not

you use the laser pointer I'm not following

you we're pretty sure the problem was a defect somewhere in this area I'll bet

defect somewhere in this area I'll bet NASA is sorry they hired us to build

NASA is sorry they hired us to build that thing have they asked for their $5

that thing have they asked for their $5 billion back yet more good news on that

billion back yet more good news on that front we also have the contract to

front we also have the contract to provide them with the digital images the

provide them with the digital images the rocket sends back how is that good news

rocket sends back how is that good news well as luck would have it all stars

well as luck would have it all stars look alike tiny dots of light one looks

look alike tiny dots of light one looks just like the next does NASA know the

just like the next does NASA know the rocket went down no and thanks to

rocket went down no and thanks to Dilbert they never will me your job is

Dilbert they never will me your job is to create digital pictures of Uncharted

to create digital pictures of Uncharted star systems and deliver them to NASA

star systems and deliver them to NASA every Tuesday how am I going to do that

every Tuesday how am I going to do that try sending it as an attachment in email

try sending it as an attachment in email it's very efficient don't make them all

it's very efficient don't make them all look the same that's a dead giveaway I

look the same that's a dead giveaway I am not going to lie for this company

am not going to lie for this company it's morally indefensible why are you

it's morally indefensible why are you afraid you'll die and go to a

cubicle it was isn't that funny but I like to laugh you've seen your afterlife

like to laugh you've seen your afterlife Dilbert no penalties no

Dilbert no penalties no rewards it's time you loosened up and

rewards it's time you loosened up and started harming other people that is so

started harming other people that is so wrong although I don't know

wrong although I don't know why oh and do something about these

why oh and do something about these protesters they call themselves The

protesters they call themselves The wallyes they have some gripe about space

wallyes they have some gripe about space exploration walit I like the

exploration walit I like the name w

name w is the way W is the way okay settle down

is the way W is the way okay settle down who can tell me why you're opposed to

who can tell me why you're opposed to space exploration it is heresy the book

space exploration it is heresy the book of Wall-E says nothing about going to

of Wall-E says nothing about going to the Stars there's a book of

the Stars there's a book of WALL-E that's it that's the whole book

WALL-E that's it that's the whole book of Wall-E it can be interpreted many

of Wall-E it can be interpreted many ways it doesn't say we should go to the

ways it doesn't say we should go to the Stars it says to Wall-E when we die we

Stars it says to Wall-E when we die we will spend eternity with Wall-E I hate

will spend eternity with Wall-E I hate the to break it to you but your entire

the to break it to you but your entire belief system is based on a myth do you

belief system is based on a myth do you have something better you'll find us

have something better you'll find us very flexible I'm not fond of the

very flexible I'm not fond of the outfits anyway you can believe in

outfits anyway you can believe in science that's real you mean like your

science that's real you mean like your rocket ship yes I mean no that's

rocket ship yes I mean no that's probably a very bad example people only

probably a very bad example people only think the rocket exists hi Gilbert hi

think the rocket exists hi Gilbert hi nuts liar

[Music] Wall-E what are you doing in the

Wall-E what are you doing in the afterlife haven't you heard after you

afterlife haven't you heard after you die you spend the rest of Eternity with

die you spend the rest of Eternity with me wo wo

wo I know I know you died again and it's getting

old no that looks wrong how about here that's just stupid it doesn't matter

that's just stupid it doesn't matter nothing matters you live your whole life

nothing matters you live your whole life being nice and you still die and go to

being nice and you still die and go to that little cubicle in the sky they say

that little cubicle in the sky they say Only the Good Die Young if it works the

Only the Good Die Young if it works the other way too I'm Immortal speaking of

other way too I'm Immortal speaking of evil I could use your special talents

evil I could use your special talents tomorrow H let me check my calendar I'll

tomorrow H let me check my calendar I'll see what else I have going evil evil

see what else I have going evil evil evil not evil looks like I I have an

evil not evil looks like I I have an opening I don't mean to seem skeptical

opening I don't mean to seem skeptical but these photos look like they were

but these photos look like they were made on a personal computer with a paint

made on a personal computer with a paint program this is where you come in surely

program this is where you come in surely you agree that in a vast Universe with

you agree that in a vast Universe with billions and billions of stars it

billions and billions of stars it probably looks exactly like this from

probably looks exactly like this from some angle well yes but we wanted actual

some angle well yes but we wanted actual pictures from the rocket isn't that a

pictures from the rocket isn't that a little narrow-minded you know this could

little narrow-minded you know this could be the answer to our funding problem can

be the answer to our funding problem can you give us evidence of life on other

you give us evidence of life on other planets are you kid kidding this picture

planets are you kid kidding this picture is teeming with life see this dot it

is teeming with life see this dot it looks exactly like the other dot but

looks exactly like the other dot but smudger what's that proof I can't do it

smudger what's that proof I can't do it all for you Ned you're good at this that

all for you Ned you're good at this that smudges could only be caused by a

smudges could only be caused by a distortion in the electromagnetic

distortion in the electromagnetic spectrum typically inhabited by ham

spectrum typically inhabited by ham radio signals that's it and uh further

radio signals that's it and uh further studies are

studies are [Applause]

[Applause] needed that'll get us funding for the

needed that'll get us funding for the space station we'd like to bid on the

space station we'd like to bid on the space station project too no no forget

space station project too no no forget the bid you got the

job can you tell us anything about how you plan to build the space station all

you plan to build the space station all right fellas I'd better not get into the

right fellas I'd better not get into the technical stuff my Engineers say I tend

technical stuff my Engineers say I tend to shoot from the hip but I can tell you

to shoot from the hip but I can tell you this I'm pretty sure phase one involves

this I'm pretty sure phase one involves building a giant step ladder the rumor

building a giant step ladder the rumor is that you got this 100 billion doll

is that you got this 100 billion doll contract without even bidding my

contract without even bidding my question to you sir is do you think UFOs

question to you sir is do you think UFOs have visited us no but they're on the

have visited us no but they're on the way have you seen this picture

yet after I talked to the Wally ites the next time I died I saw their version of

next time I died I saw their version of the afterlife an eternity with Wall-E

the afterlife an eternity with Wall-E what I want to know is was I really did

what I want to know is was I really did or just hallucinating why don't you ask

or just hallucinating why don't you ask that man we saw on TV the one who can

that man we saw on TV the one who can talk to the spirit world he has an 800

talk to the spirit world he has an 800 number I don't believe in that stuff but

number I don't believe in that stuff but you believe we spend eternity in a

you believe we spend eternity in a cubicle with Wall-E what's his

number hello each call costs $3 per minute I was expecting your call you

minute I was expecting your call you were you want answers don't you yes I do

were you want answers don't you yes I do do you know someone who died in the last

do you know someone who died in the last 50 years named John or Jim or Bill or

50 years named John or Jim or Bill or Tom yes I thought so

Tom yes I thought so he has a message for you from the other

he has a message for you from the other side which one John or Jim or Bill or

side which one John or Jim or Bill or Tom he says you like to do things with

Tom he says you like to do things with your hands typing or cooking or

your hands typing or cooking or gardening is that correct I type on the

gardening is that correct I type on the computer I have to admit he's good he

computer I have to admit he's good he says you get great pleasure from this

says you get great pleasure from this typing or cooking or gardening I do but

typing or cooking or gardening I do but I wanted to ask he says you enjoy music

I wanted to ask he says you enjoy music and food is that right forget about that

and food is that right forget about that I want to know if the afterlife is

I want to know if the afterlife is nothing but a cubicle he said says to be

nothing but a cubicle he said says to be careful with your back or Vision or

careful with your back or Vision or lungs or weight I feel fine all I want

lungs or weight I feel fine all I want to know is so what are you

to know is so what are you wearing I've never been a Supreme Being

wearing I've never been a Supreme Being before but I'm willing to give it a try

before but I'm willing to give it a try your humility inspires us please teach

your humility inspires us please teach us everything you know maybe you could

us everything you know maybe you could ask me specific questions what is your

ask me specific questions what is your favorite cheese uh you know the one with

favorite cheese uh you know the one with the holes in it swis right not that one

the holes in it swis right not that one oh

oh can we wear casual clothes on Fridays no

can we wear casual clothes on Fridays no it leads to

promiscuity and no humming to yourself when you're alone I hate

when you're alone I hate [Music]

[Music] that my faith is being tested and if you

that my faith is being tested and if you order fish at the restaurant and it

order fish at the restaurant and it comes with the head still on it try

comes with the head still on it try covering it with mashed potatoes

covering it with mashed potatoes [Music]

oh I wonder if was something I [Music]

[Music] said is the answer out there or in here

said is the answer out there or in here is everything simply a manifestation of

is everything simply a manifestation of Consciousness or is there another actual

Consciousness or is there another actual level of existence a dimension parallel

level of existence a dimension parallel to or beyond the one we live in now it's

to or beyond the one we live in now it's all part of the big illusion that we

all part of the big illusion that we perpetuate on ourselves and in turn is

perpetuate on ourselves and in turn is perpetuated upon us like the rocket ship

perpetuated upon us like the rocket ship or the shroud of Wall-E When We believe

or the shroud of Wall-E When We believe We Engage The Illusion when we stop

We Engage The Illusion when we stop believing we shatter the illusion and

believing we shatter the illusion and shatter ourselves in the process because

shatter ourselves in the process because we are part of it maybe you're right

we are part of it maybe you're right maybe the mistake is in making

maybe the mistake is in making distinctions out there in here Life

distinctions out there in here Life Death it's all the same

ready ready ready welcome to painting with Rusty

ready welcome to painting with Rusty Shanks last week I taught you how to

Shanks last week I taught you how to paint Shrubbery using your own head as a

paint Shrubbery using your own head as a brush that was a good show today we'll

brush that was a good show today we'll take a ride into the wild world of

take a ride into the wild world of modern abstract art yeah just paint

modern abstract art yeah just paint Rusty don't talk some people think

Rusty don't talk some people think abstract art can't be taught I think

abstract art can't be taught I think that let's say you wanted to express an

that let's say you wanted to express an emotion such as oh a fear of

emotion such as oh a fear of caterpillars what color would you choose

caterpillars what color would you choose orange green purple that's right it's

orange green purple that's right it's our friend taupe taupe Tae how do you

our friend taupe taupe Tae how do you make taupe Rusty you're killing me and

make taupe Rusty you're killing me and what shape works best with taupe circle

what shape works best with taupe circle triangle line if you said octagon you're

triangle line if you said octagon you're right we'll represent the octagon with a

right we'll represent the octagon with a DOT and the color taupe will be

DOT and the color taupe will be represented by the color orange it's

represented by the color orange it's levels upon levels I don't get art who

levels upon levels I don't get art who decided that a painting of a bowl of

decided that a painting of a bowl of fruit is Art how long can you look at

fruit is Art how long can you look at the same bowl of fruit anyway at least

the same bowl of fruit anyway at least with the actual fruit itself you can

with the actual fruit itself you can rearrange the pieces once in a while you

rearrange the pieces once in a while you can eat it if you're hungry you can

can eat it if you're hungry you can watch it rot but if all you have is a

watch it rot but if all you have is a painting of fruit your options are

painting of fruit your options are limited so you think the whole art scene

limited so you think the whole art scene is just one big scam to make money I'm

is just one big scam to make money I'm beginning to wonder I'd better look into

beginning to wonder I'd better look into it you do that and report back who are

it you do that and report back who are you who let you in here what do you

you who let you in here what do you think you're doing we wish to interrupt

think you're doing we wish to interrupt this program in order to bring you this

this program in order to bring you this special Bulletin art teacher Rusty

special Bulletin art teacher Rusty Shanks has disappeared no I haven't I'm

Shanks has disappeared no I haven't I'm right here this coupled with his refusal

right here this coupled with his refusal to repay certain outstanding loans has

to repay certain outstanding loans has Force the cancellation of the painting

Force the cancellation of the painting with Rusty

with Rusty show I can get the money no we now

show I can get the money no we now return to painting without Rusty Shanks

return to painting without Rusty Shanks already in progress they say you have to

already in progress they say you have to suffer for your art I wonder if that's

suffer for your art I wonder if that's what they meant

[Laughter] [Music]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] he

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

it's critical that we lead the effort to integrate our strategy process and

integrate our strategy process and behavior related

activities to facilitate our goal of sustained predictable and high margin

profitability and we'll need to revitalize our efforts toward continuous

revitalize our efforts toward continuous quality improvement Wally I'm trying to

quality improvement Wally I'm trying to communicate here oh communication I IDE

communicate here oh communication I IDE you call it it sounds like the rambling

you call it it sounds like the rambling and babbling of a nink poop a buffoon

and babbling of a nink poop a buffoon staggering down the street in a

stuper good point arook yes it was communication and unless that newspaper

communication and unless that newspaper has an idea for increasing our profits

has an idea for increasing our profits you'd better put it down and listen to

you'd better put it down and listen to me this thing is full of money making

me this thing is full of money making ideas here's a guy who sued a big

ideas here's a guy who sued a big company and made 25 million he sued us

company and made 25 million he sued us the product directions clearly stated do

the product directions clearly stated do not use as waffle maker and bicycle seat

not use as waffle maker and bicycle seat at the same time here's a story about a

at the same time here's a story about a painting that sold for $75 million and

painting that sold for $75 million and the buyer's leaving it in the museum so

the buyer's leaving it in the museum so he paid $75 million and got nothing in

he paid $75 million and got nothing in return hold the wire now we're under

return hold the wire now we're under something no we're not good work Wally

something no we're not good work Wally if only the others could work at my

if only the others could work at my level we'll need some sort of

level we'll need some sort of competitive Advantage if we're going to

competitive Advantage if we're going to dominate The Art industry we will also

dominate The Art industry we will also need art

need art Dilbert would be good at creating art no

Dilbert would be good at creating art no I wouldn't too late the seed is planted

I wouldn't too late the seed is planted it's true that Dilbert is no w-e

it's true that Dilbert is no w-e everyone's trying to warm themselves in

everyone's trying to warm themselves in my light but I don't know anything about

my light but I don't know anything about art uh-uh save it for your performance

art uh-uh save it for your performance review but we're a technology company

review but we're a technology company not an art company Engineers don't

not an art company Engineers don't understand art we know what we

understand art we know what we like don't we how hard could it be art

like don't we how hard could it be art has rules just like anything else if you

has rules just like anything else if you can teach a computer to play chess you

can teach a computer to play chess you can teach a computer to make a painting

can teach a computer to make a painting thank you for converting an impossible

thank you for converting an impossible assignment into something that will look

assignment into something that will look like a personal failing on my part

like a personal failing on my part nicely done not a day goes by when I do

nicely done not a day goes by when I do not learn something well I know what I

not learn something well I know what I like you're right I

like you're right I don't I'd better learn something about

don't I'd better learn something about art pretty quickly why don't you come

art pretty quickly why don't you come with me tonight to an art appreciation

with me tonight to an art appreciation class at the Museum it is hosted by

class at the Museum it is hosted by esteemed Art Expert sister Wanda

esteemed Art Expert sister Wanda Beaver what do nuns know about art you

Beaver what do nuns know about art you are laboring under a false stereotype of

are laboring under a false stereotype of nuns for your information they cannot

nuns for your information they cannot fly under their own power and the short

fly under their own power and the short ones are rarely mistaken for Penguins

ones are rarely mistaken for Penguins I'll try to be more

open-minded in this sweeping expression by Bhutan nogan the artist uses color to

by Bhutan nogan the artist uses color to convey his message of being trapped in a

convey his message of being trapped in a career that was a huge uge mistake

career that was a huge uge mistake forced to wear drab clothing forbidden

forced to wear drab clothing forbidden to explore his intense smoldering

urges in this floral treatment we can feel the artist's desire to Spring

feel the artist's desire to Spring colorfully from his container leaving

colorfully from his container leaving behind his career there was a huge huge

behind his career there was a huge huge mistake H I'm also seeing some

mistake H I'm also seeing some smoldering urges from the Carnation you

smoldering urges from the Carnation you are the quick learner Mr dogbert the

are the quick learner Mr dogbert the rendering is indeed packed with erotic

rendering is indeed packed with erotic imagery what imagery oh it's there you

imagery what imagery oh it's there you can't spell Carnation without carnal

can't spell Carnation without carnal actually you can't spell carnation with

actually you can't spell carnation with carnal that would be caralin but you

carnal that would be caralin but you can't spell it without car and cars have

can't spell it without car and cars have back seats to their not not in the 17th

back seats to their not not in the 17th century when that was

century when that was painted ow

I still don't know what makes one piece of art better than another H maybe you

of art better than another H maybe you should ask people what they like and

should ask people what they like and then put it all in one painting would

then put it all in one painting would that work I was right about the

Carnation when you're shopping for a painting for the house what qualities

painting for the house what qualities are you looking for well I like looking

are you looking for well I like looking at pictures that have shootable animals

at pictures that have shootable animals deer is good sometimes I'm in the mood

deer is good sometimes I'm in the mood for a duck nature themes if the price is

for a duck nature themes if the price is the same I like bigger ones big ones

the same I like bigger ones big ones well I like pictures of things you can

well I like pictures of things you can eat you should never buy paintings on an

eat you should never buy paintings on an empty stomach I like paintings with a

empty stomach I like paintings with a lot of blue that's my favorite color

lot of blue that's my favorite color yeah blue blue is a big big blue one

yeah blue blue is a big big blue one yeah I like that how many of you would

yeah I like that how many of you would buy a painting of a blue

duck how big is it it's big [Music]

I could put a frame around that shirt and sell it in an art gallery no one

and sell it in an art gallery no one wants a stained shirt on their wall

wants a stained shirt on their wall they'll want it if I tell them they want

they'll want it if I tell them they want it you can't tell people what they like

it you can't tell people what they like oh really rat

oh really rat birt I'm going to hang dirty laundry on

birt I'm going to hang dirty laundry on the walls do you want some for your

the walls do you want some for your room why would I want that see I'm not

room why would I want that see I'm not going to use Dilbert's laundry I'm going

going to use Dilbert's laundry I'm going to buy it in an art gallery it's framed

to buy it in an art gallery it's framed expensive dirty laundry can you give me

expensive dirty laundry can you give me a sock for over my desk that's not fair

a sock for over my desk that's not fair how hard is it to brainwash rat BT is

how hard is it to brainwash rat BT is that an insult no it's a

that an insult no it's a compliment thank

you my lucky shirt you have always been good to

excuse me do you own this establishment are you a buyer or just a luy l I am a

are you a buyer or just a luy l I am a third category outraged victim of your

third category outraged victim of your laundromat yeah we get a lot of that

laundromat yeah we get a lot of that sounds like you need some art to lighten

sounds like you need some art to lighten you up how about this piece it's new oh

you up how about this piece it's new oh oh my goodness those are my

underpanties it's blue it's a duck and Theory it's art

print hey what's this nice color and if I'm not mistaken that's a duck you like

I'm not mistaken that's a duck you like it I'm going to hang this on my cubicle

it I'm going to hang this on my cubicle wall is that a duck that is so cute

wall is that a duck that is so cute where did you buy that I didn't buy it

where did you buy that I didn't buy it I'm stealing it from Dilbert Dilbert

I'm stealing it from Dilbert Dilbert made this according to my research it's

made this according to my research it's art my God what's that feeling in my

art my God what's that feeling in my stomach is that a growing sense of

stomach is that a growing sense of respect for

respect for Dilbert no I just drank a soda too fast

Dilbert no I just drank a soda too fast but I do like the duck I like how it's

but I do like the duck I like how it's right in the middle you know sometimes

right in the middle you know sometimes you see a painting of a barn and it's

you see a painting of a barn and it's off in one

off in one corner it's

corner it's magnificent I don't know whether to eat

magnificent I don't know whether to eat it or shoot it can you make it bigger I

it or shoot it can you make it bigger I can make it any size you want any size

can make it any size you want any size whoa Nelly looks like we just hit pay

whoa Nelly looks like we just hit pay duck

thanks to the artistic work of Dilbert in the two weeks since we introduced The

in the two weeks since we introduced The Blue Duck artwork we have captured 99%

Blue Duck artwork we have captured 99% of the Art

[Music] Market I didn't know we were competing

Market I didn't know we were competing against museums competition it's more

against museums competition it's more like a monopoly apparently the verdict

like a monopoly apparently the verdict is in no one wants to look at crap when

is in no one wants to look at crap when they can look at the Blue

Duck our only remaining threat is from some joint in France called the Louver

some joint in France called the Louver sometimes pronounced louy they're

sometimes pronounced louy they're holding on by a thread operating a

holding on by a thread operating a Furniture reupholstering business out of

Furniture reupholstering business out of the gift shop I didn't mean to destroy

the gift shop I didn't mean to destroy the art world he didn't mean to destroy

the art world he didn't mean to destroy the right well get him well you did and

the right well get him well you did and I for one salute

I for one salute [Music]

[Music] you I have a bad feeling about this Blue

you I have a bad feeling about this Blue Duck phenomenon it might be a little too

Duck phenomenon it might be a little too successful culture needs diversity why

successful culture needs diversity why don't you put on a beret and starve

don't you put on a beret and starve Dilbert the marketplace makes no

Dilbert the marketplace makes no judgment the consumer has spoken

judgment the consumer has spoken everyone loves that duck but if it's

everyone loves that duck but if it's everywhere won't that Rob it of its

everywhere won't that Rob it of its uniqueness do we have to shove it down

uniqueness do we have to shove it down the Public's throat at every opportunity

the Public's throat at every opportunity I really think that we're going to

I really think that we're going to dilute its meaning by overexposure uhoh

dilute its meaning by overexposure uhoh it's meaning there he is wa right

here I can't believe I'm seeing you in person you're the most famous artist in

person you're the most famous artist in the world I'm not an artist I'm an

the world I'm not an artist I'm an engineer

engineer oh a boom okay I'm an artist

oh a boom okay I'm an artist [Music]

oh I can't believe I'm on a date with the famous creator of L Canard deur the

the famous creator of L Canard deur the what the Blue Duck oh yes I hope my fame

what the Blue Duck oh yes I hope my fame isn't the only reason you like me oh

isn't the only reason you like me oh don't get me wrong jilbert I don't like

don't get me wrong jilbert I don't like you personally I'm just into the whole

you personally I'm just into the whole scene what it's nothing personal how

scene what it's nothing personal how could that not be personal you just said

could that not be personal you just said you don't like me I don't like you the

you don't like me I don't like you the person but I love you the famous artist

person but I love you the famous artist I'm beginning to finally understand art

I'm beginning to finally understand art our boss wants to talk to you could we

our boss wants to talk to you could we get two ice teas you've been killing the

get two ice teas you've been killing the art racket our boss don't like that I'd

art racket our boss don't like that I'd like a lemon wedge in

mine excuse me I don't believe we ordered this that's

ours oh the new art piece piece I ordered for the conference room can

ordered for the conference room can somebody sign for this I'll take

it there you go that's your name what of it oh

go that's your name what of it oh nothing nothing I'll see

you oh thank you I was having no small difficulty breathing a shock hello don't

difficulty breathing a shock hello don't talk to the art now where were we oh

talk to the art now where were we oh yeah our nearly Total Domination of all

yeah our nearly Total Domination of all worldwide markets how about the Amish

worldwide markets how about the Amish are they coming around they put up a

are they coming around they put up a fight but we wore them

down I don't know about you but I'm starting to worship this Blue Duck and

starting to worship this Blue Duck and you know what else we need a phone

you know what else we need a phone [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

we got him boss here's the guy who's been ruining our

been ruining our business leave

business leave us where am I I am the orado D Vinci

us where am I I am the orado D Vinci head of the five families of our heart I

head of the five families of our heart I have two problems with that answer one

have two problems with that answer one it's not the answer to where and two I'm

it's not the answer to where and two I'm pretty sure you died 500 years

pretty sure you died 500 years ago I invented the helicopter the tank

ago I invented the helicopter the tank and the parachute in the

and the parachute in the 1400s how hard do you think it was for

1400s how hard do you think it was for me to invent a fountain of youth I see

me to invent a fountain of youth I see your point you know you were always a

your point you know you were always a great hero of mine is that so oh yes

great hero of mine is that so oh yes I've tried to model my career after

I've tried to model my career after yours engineer inventor artist no no no

yours engineer inventor artist no no no no

no those are all Sidelines I am at heart a

those are all Sidelines I am at heart a businessman come

businessman come [Music]

[Music] here for hundreds of years the five

here for hundreds of years the five families have run the organized art

families have run the organized art rackets the Renaissance boys the

rackets the Renaissance boys the Impressionists the abstracts the

Impressionists the abstracts the surrealists and the

surrealists and the postmodernist it all makes sense now

postmodernist it all makes sense now you're the ones who decide which

you're the ones who decide which paintings are worth $50 million and

paintings are worth $50 million and which ones are put on decorative plates

which ones are put on decorative plates until you Kim alone

until you Kim alone with your vbid Blue Duck you put a crimp

with your vbid Blue Duck you put a crimp in our

in our business unfortunately it would be

business unfortunately it would be imprudent for us to allow that situation

imprudent for us to allow that situation to continue it's too late to stop it now

to continue it's too late to stop it now the Blue Duck is everywhere there is

the Blue Duck is everywhere there is only one thing that can kill great art

only one thing that can kill great art the taint of un

[Applause] coolness part sorry dang

coolness part sorry dang way watch out big load

way watch out big load that'll clean right up with a little

that'll clean right up with a little salsa water pardon me you have huge feet

salsa water pardon me you have huge feet for a woman here we

for a woman here we [Music]

[Music] go waa we got a babe shot on camera

go waa we got a babe shot on camera too okay go to camera to did you see

that blue dark roll [Applause]

I still want to fall we don't know why but sales of the

fall we don't know why but sales of the Blue Duck product line have taken a

Blue Duck product line have taken a plunge art can be so unpredict

plunge art can be so unpredict predictable for some reason the Blue

predictable for some reason the Blue Duck is no longer cool traditional

Duck is no longer cool traditional paintings are selling for millions of

paintings are selling for millions of dollars again it's a crime it's as if

dollars again it's a crime it's as if the art world were organized so Dilbert

the art world were organized so Dilbert what do you have for us next next I

what do you have for us next next I hadn't really given it much thought

hadn't really given it much thought that's what I thought pay

up so anyway the marketing department has come up with a spin-off of the Blue

has come up with a spin-off of the Blue Duck concept that they call the light

Duck concept that they call the light blue duck but we already know the public

blue duck but we already know the public doesn't want that you're confusing the

doesn't want that you're confusing the light blue duck with the regular Blue

light blue duck with the regular Blue Duck not to worry it's common mistake

Duck not to worry it's common mistake but don't you see that's the point

but don't you see that's the point they're the same thing Dilbert the key

they're the same thing Dilbert the key to marketing is doing whatever you did

to marketing is doing whatever you did before even when you know it won't work

before even when you know it won't work that way no one tries to second guess

that way no one tries to second guess you but is that the key to Art is it

you but is that the key to Art is it just a popularity contest or is it the

just a popularity contest or is it the transmission of one Souls innermost

transmission of one Souls innermost Essence to another art is meant to be an

Essence to another art is meant to be an unconstrained expression of the

unconstrained expression of the inexpressible it's our way of telling

inexpressible it's our way of telling each other things we feel but are unable

each other things we feel but are unable to put into words it is ultimately the

to put into words it is ultimately the only real way of sharing who we really

only real way of sharing who we really are with the rest of the world sorry I

are with the rest of the world sorry I lost you after butt you got some nerve

lost you after butt you got some nerve talking to us that way is that Dilbert

talking to us that way is that Dilbert speaking or his Muse what's the

speaking or his Muse what's the difference if it's you I can belittle

difference if it's you I can belittle and ridicule you if it's your Muse I'll

and ridicule you if it's your Muse I'll have to look it up and see what it

have to look it up and see what it actually means it's my muse

damn I guess I just don't get it it's all about branding do people really know

all about branding do people really know good from bad of course not but they

good from bad of course not but they know Picasso's signature if he was

know Picasso's signature if he was around today he'd be making underwear

around today he'd be making underwear too but is that art isn't art supposed

too but is that art isn't art supposed to be something that satisfies some

to be something that satisfies some yearning for truth and Beauty n not

yearning for truth and Beauty n not anymore once a soup can became art all

anymore once a soup can became art all the rules went out the window it's not

the rules went out the window it's not the art it's the logo like these

the art it's the logo like these socks well I guess somehow that's a

socks well I guess somehow that's a disappointment to me I hope the mystery

disappointment to me I hope the mystery of art would reveal itself perhaps it

of art would reveal itself perhaps it will those t-shirts reveal the mystery

will those t-shirts reveal the mystery of Truth and Beauty themselves as

of Truth and Beauty themselves as undergarments for our soul they express

undergarments for our soul they express our deep longing for tactile stimulation

our deep longing for tactile stimulation hidden beneath our starched collars and

hidden beneath our starched collars and coarse Fabrics

oh [Music]

welcome to English for managers tape one listen and repeat tape one listen and

listen and repeat tape one listen and repeat we will enable timely

repeat we will enable timely knowledge-based decisionmaking based on

knowledge-based decisionmaking based on realtime information by implementing an

realtime information by implementing an enterprise resource management system we

enterprise resource management system we will entangle timid college-based

will entangle timid college-based Precision markets based on full-time

Precision markets based on full-time repudiation by instigating a something

repudiation by instigating a something something whatever very good really well

something whatever very good really well I thought I missed a

word they say they're slow but they're not

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

hey [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

I just want to take this opportunity to thank you all for for participating in

thank you all for for participating in our company's mandatory blood drive you

our company's mandatory blood drive you really are the lifeblood of this

really are the lifeblood of this [Laughter]

oh Alice you are like the fresh Dew on a morning flower my heart yearns for you

morning flower my heart yearns for you your soft skin your triangle hair your

your soft skin your triangle hair your lips like two tiny sausages stacked upon

lips like two tiny sausages stacked upon each other death row is a lonely place

each other death row is a lonely place my precious the only things to occupy

my precious the only things to occupy the empty hours our thoughts of you and

the empty hours our thoughts of you and the Contraband I have hidden in my colon

the Contraband I have hidden in my colon my dying wish Alice is for your hand in

my dying wish Alice is for your hand in marriage that is so romantic all my love

marriage that is so romantic all my love Vince P.S please respond before next

Vince P.S please respond before next Friday at noon what if I don't have any

Friday at noon what if I don't have any extra blood maybe I only have exactly

extra blood maybe I only have exactly enough everyone has extra blood it

enough everyone has extra blood it doesn't matter anyway you'll never get

doesn't matter anyway you'll never get past the screening process I will now

past the screening process I will now read a list of disqualifying conditions

read a list of disqualifying conditions please leave the auditorium if any of

please leave the auditorium if any of the following apply to you are you now

the following apply to you are you now or have you ever been Wally yes first

or have you ever been Wally yes first one

one out repeat the disconnects between gross

out repeat the disconnects between gross margin and leverage will be harnessed

margin and leverage will be harnessed for commercial Ventures the discotek

for commercial Ventures the discotek between gross marger

between gross marger and beverages will be harmless to your

and beverages will be harmless to your dentures very

dentures very good now close your eyes and visualize

good now close your eyes and visualize each word as you say

it imagine the word Vision try to see it in your mind is a

in your mind is a black have you gotten any tattoos in the

black have you gotten any tattoos in the last 6 months

have you had intimate physical relations with anyone in the past 10

years not really but I'm trying to build a

a reputation with your eyes still closed

reputation with your eyes still closed imagine a picture that corresponds with

imagine a picture that corresponds with the phrase a commitment to Synergy I see

the phrase a commitment to Synergy I see it it's like some sort of two-headed

it it's like some sort of two-headed woodchuck or there's it a

beaver can you get a clean shot at his tires I think I can hit the spare tire

tires I think I can hit the spare tire in the

in the back wait he

stopped oft toity bottles on the wall come on I can't take another four hours

come on I can't take another four hours of this go go go

of this go go go will you just shut up you have infinite

will you just shut up you have infinite beer on the wall okay it will never be

beer on the wall okay it will never be fewer now put your hands out to your

fewer now put your hands out to your sides and wave them

slowly can you imagine if something were to happen to this bus helmet The

to happen to this bus helmet The Sciences of physics chemistry

Sciences of physics chemistry mathematics and medicine all wiped out

mathematics and medicine all wiped out in a stroke and economics economics is

in a stroke and economics economics is not a science and never will be he's

not a science and never will be he's waving us on finally

waving us on finally [Music]

all units he's heading for a large business campus prepare to intercept are

business campus prepare to intercept are you telling me you haven't done anything

you telling me you haven't done anything on this list I've been very

on this list I've been very busy all right roll up your

sleeve Woo is isn't that the fifth bag we got a quarter can I have a cookie no

we got a quarter can I have a cookie no I ate them all while you were

bleeding all right Sharpshooters if you get a clear shot take

[Music] it uh there's people in the

it uh there's people in the way oh shoot

word the vehicle had no registration or plates so we're hoping someone saw him

plates so we're hoping someone saw him why would a vehicle need registration

why would a vehicle need registration and plates I'm just a sketch artist oh a

and plates I'm just a sketch artist oh a specialist well I didn't exactly see the

specialist well I didn't exactly see the guy but from what I heard on the the

guy but from what I heard on the the radio I've got a pretty good idea of

radio I've got a pretty good idea of what he looks like can you describe him

what he looks like can you describe him for me I could but I'm extremely busy W

for me I could but I'm extremely busy W I can't work too hard I almost gave

I can't work too hard I almost gave blood today I want you to describe to

blood today I want you to describe to these officers the man I heard about on

these officers the man I heard about on the radio this morning what be as

the radio this morning what be as specific as you can don't leave out

specific as you can don't leave out anything all right I'll tell him

anything all right I'll tell him everything you know

everything you know [Music]

H these remind me of water balloons except filled with blood put that

except filled with blood put that down it looks like you have some

down it looks like you have some [Music]

[Music] extras all right one bag but let me show

extras all right one bag but let me show you how to do

you how to do it this psycle must have left a blood

it this psycle must have left a blood trail now I want you to comb every inch

trail now I want you to comb every inch of this area for the Killer's DNA maybe

of this area for the Killer's DNA maybe we'll get lucky and don't let this crime

we'll get lucky and don't let this crime scene get

contaminated you shooting yourself well thank

you driving without blood is surprisingly difficult

sir how many drinks have you had this evening nothing I couldn't even get a

evening nothing I couldn't even get a cookie then a lady took all of my blood

cookie then a lady took all of my blood okay buddy count backward from 100 using

okay buddy count backward from 100 using only prime numbers 97 89 83 79 73 71

only prime numbers 97 89 83 79 73 71 okay no one liked so wise ass get out of

okay no one liked so wise ass get out of the

car attention all units attention all units positive DNA match has been made

units positive DNA match has been made on the Nobel Prize Slaughter the suspect

on the Nobel Prize Slaughter the suspect is Caucasian wearing glasses in

is Caucasian wearing glasses in laughably bad shape and answers to the

laughably bad shape and answers to the name Dilbert hey that's

name Dilbert hey that's [Music]

me so with the Nobel Prize killer safely Behind Bars looking at a swift execution

Behind Bars looking at a swift execution once the 40 to 75 years of appeals is

once the 40 to 75 years of appeals is over and everyone associated with the

over and everyone associated with the case long dead strange men with

case long dead strange men with incomprehensible theories that can't be

incomprehensible theories that can't be proven can once again breathe a sigh of

proven can once again breathe a sigh of relief Mr and Mrs fenerman hi I'm Alice

relief Mr and Mrs fenerman hi I'm Alice I'm engaged to your son Vince it is so

I'm engaged to your son Vince it is so nice to meet you DG here do you need a

nice to meet you DG here do you need a sign that's okay I have my

sign that's okay I have my own I don't understand aren't you two

own I don't understand aren't you two getting married yes we're going to spend

getting married yes we're going to spend the rest of our lives

the rest of our lives together mark my words this marriage

together mark my words this marriage will never last

will never last [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] wow this cell is huge sorry about the

wow this cell is huge sorry about the internet connection there's an internet

internet connection there's an internet connection your cable modem's in the

connection your cable modem's in the shop we're running you through the T1

shop we're running you through the T1 until it gets back what's this fan mail

until it gets back what's this fan mail probably a few marriage proposals for me

probably a few marriage proposals for me marriage proposals you're in for murder

marriage proposals you're in for murder right that's an aphrodesiac for the

right that's an aphrodesiac for the fairer sex you know I'm actually

fairer sex you know I'm actually innocent no I wouldn't let that slip out

excuse me how did you decide that five cigarettes was worth one candy bar well

cigarettes was worth one candy bar well I was hungry first of all you should

I was hungry first of all you should never barter on an empty stomach second

never barter on an empty stomach second this is much too inefficient

oh so everything used for barter could be valued at a constant rate relative to

be valued at a constant rate relative to everything else for instance a shampoo

everything else for instance a shampoo bottle of homemade gin is equal to a

bottle of homemade gin is equal to a clean toothbrush which is also

clean toothbrush which is also equivalent to an 8 O bar of chocolate or

equivalent to an 8 O bar of chocolate or five

questions okay one might wonder what happens when

okay one might wonder what happens when a scarcity in a perishable commodity say

a scarcity in a perishable commodity say chocolate causes a relative glut of

chocolate causes a relative glut of another more durable item such as erotic

another more durable item such as erotic literature

literature anyone yes we carve a potato into the

anyone yes we carve a potato into the shape of a gun and cover it with shoe

shape of a gun and cover it with shoe polish you could do that or wait for the

polish you could do that or wait for the market to automatically adjust to take

market to automatically adjust to take into account the commodity imbalance

into account the commodity imbalance thus moving the exchange rate to a new

thus moving the exchange rate to a new point of stab

point of stab you can do all that without a potato

heig how about 8 n g y43 2 let me check boys boys you're

y43 2 let me check boys boys you're sitting on a gold mine here do you

sitting on a gold mine here do you realize the license plate business is a

realize the license plate business is a growth industry and and illegal Monopoly

growth industry and and illegal Monopoly by automating your order flow in

by automating your order flow in assembly process you'll increase

assembly process you'll increase productivity and reduced costs the guy

productivity and reduced costs the guy who had this job before didn't train

who had this job before didn't train me dead man

me dead man walking down the

aisle we are gathered here today to join two souls in holy matrimony and to damn

two souls in holy matrimony and to damn one of them to Eternal Hellfire I

one of them to Eternal Hellfire I understand that you two have written

understand that you two have written your own vows vce who would have thought

your own vows vce who would have thought 10 years ago that a Grizzly mass

10 years ago that a Grizzly mass murderer would lead to such a blissful

murderer would lead to such a blissful Union you are my heart you are my soul

Union you are my heart you are my soul you make living

you make living worthwhile I look forward to spending

worthwhile I look forward to spending the next 45 seconds as your loving wife

the next 45 seconds as your loving wife bch how to do it oh for the love of God

bch how to do it oh for the love of God please don't kill me

uh right okay by the authority vested in Me by the State Correctional Facility I

Me by the State Correctional Facility I pronounce your man and wife you may now

pronounce your man and wife you may now insert the

insert the gag you making a big mistake I didn't I

gag you making a big mistake I didn't I [Music]

[Music] didn't it is an Incredible Book Mr

didn't it is an Incredible Book Mr dogbert thanks it took me all morning to

dogbert thanks it took me all morning to write it it's the ending that bothers me

write it it's the ending that bothers me it would be better if this Dilbert

it would be better if this Dilbert fellow gets set free at the last minute

fellow gets set free at the last minute instead of flaming like a marshmallow

instead of flaming like a marshmallow how much better would it be about $3

how much better would it be about $3 million in movie rights I'll talk to the

million in movie rights I'll talk to the Supreme

Supreme [Music]

[Music] Court there are just no good convicts

Court there are just no good convicts out there that one's cute cute yes but

out there that one's cute cute yes but he's got a damn good appeal pending I

he's got a damn good appeal pending I read the brief no you can't tell

read the brief no you can't tell anything from a picture anyway in my

anything from a picture anyway in my high school yearbook book I didn't even

high school yearbook book I didn't even look

attractive maybe we should go visit Dilbert check the place out that sounds

Dilbert check the place out that sounds like it involves leaving work I'll

like it involves leaving work I'll drive I couldn't help overhearing you

drive I couldn't help overhearing you while I was eavesdropping do you mind if

while I was eavesdropping do you mind if I go with you to stare at the miserable

I go with you to stare at the miserable Mis creant uh there's no room in my car

Mis creant uh there's no room in my car it's filled with oxygen and carbon

it's filled with oxygen and carbon dioxide that's not good I'll drive my

dioxide that's not good I'll drive my own car can you give me directions yes

own car can you give me directions yes yes I can

who's that he's an Axe Murderer ooh the outdoor type let me talk to Wall-E put

outdoor type let me talk to Wall-E put in a good word for me in C block hey

in a good word for me in C block hey Delbert looking good all that hard

Delbert looking good all that hard manual labor is paying off actually

manual labor is paying off actually there is no hard labor I have all day to

there is no hard labor I have all day to think to exercise and to work on my own

think to exercise and to work on my own projects I barely have to do anything if

projects I barely have to do anything if I don't want to but it's lonely right

I don't want to but it's lonely right hardly w-e this week alone I've received

hardly w-e this week alone I've received over a 100 marriage proposals boy is my

over a 100 marriage proposals boy is my value system all screwed

value system all screwed up oh there it is bars and all the big

house okay next we'll hear from Tino in shiv manufacturing thank you I'm pleased

shiv manufacturing thank you I'm pleased to report that uh since we instituted a

to report that uh since we instituted a battle recycling program the number of

battle recycling program the number of pointy object available to the prison

pointy object available to the prison population has

population has tripled good work um Bobby G you're up I

tripled good work um Bobby G you're up I just prepared this memo on the new

just prepared this memo on the new production quotas as you can see all the

production quotas as you can see all the inmates are participating in the prison

inmates are participating in the prison 401K considering the average inmate

401K considering the average inmate salary is 18 cents a day at maturity

salary is 18 cents a day at maturity this amounts to a retirement package of

this amounts to a retirement package of approximately

approximately $34 well let's see if we can't

$34 well let's see if we can't supplement that with some of the

supplement that with some of the souvenir sales all right is there any

souvenir sales all right is there any new business I think we should probably

new business I think we should probably discuss the status of the Escape Plan in

discuss the status of the Escape Plan in the progress of the tunnel all right

the progress of the tunnel all right using two shifts round the clock and a

using two shifts round the clock and a tpoon we have dug

tpoon we have dug approximately 3 ft at this rate of

approximately 3 ft at this rate of excavation we estimate the tunnel will

excavation we estimate the tunnel will be completed sometime in the year 2125

be completed sometime in the year 2125 and when is the escape currently

and when is the escape currently scheduled Tuesday okay I've done some

scheduled Tuesday okay I've done some calculations along with a preliminary

calculations along with a preliminary Geological Survey and

Geological Survey and Tony shirt the bearing wall is made of

Tony shirt the bearing wall is made of Basalt Basalt is among the most dense of

Basalt Basalt is among the most dense of ous rocks now if we drop down

ous rocks now if we drop down approximately 10 m the composition of

approximately 10 m the composition of the bordering wall becomes limestone a

the bordering wall becomes limestone a very spoon friendly material now I've

very spoon friendly material now I've drawn up plans for an electric spoon but

drawn up plans for an electric spoon but it's going to cost 4 million candy bars

it's going to cost 4 million candy bars no

no problem did you know that I'm the only

problem did you know that I'm the only one in my bridge club with a son on

one in my bridge club with a son on death row I'm sorry I'm such a

death row I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment to you Mom

disappointment to you Mom disappointment everyone asks about you

disappointment everyone asks about you you're out of the news I used to get

you're out of the news I used to get blank stairs when I told people you were

blank stairs when I told people you were an engineer but murderer that gets

an engineer but murderer that gets people's respect you could be a little

people's respect you could be a little disappointed let's see bank robbery 10

disappointed let's see bank robbery 10 to 15 years kidnapping ooh 20 to life

to 15 years kidnapping ooh 20 to life not too shabby furis the crime of

not too shabby furis the crime of rubbing up against people in crowded

rubbing up against people in crowded public places when did they make that

public places when did they make that illegal

dogbert always a pleasure why don't you come to the meetings anymore I'm not

come to the meetings anymore I'm not actually a member of the Supreme Court

actually a member of the Supreme Court really now I feel bad about letting you

really now I feel bad about letting you write all those

write all those decisions I didn't mind what brings you

decisions I didn't mind what brings you in today I want you to overturn the

in today I want you to overturn the conviction of a guilty murderer named

conviction of a guilty murderer named Dilbert if you don't mind I'll just

Dilbert if you don't mind I'll just write up your decision and sign all your

write up your decision and sign all your names to it okay but make me sound

names to it okay but make me sound indignant and throw something in there

indignant and throw something in there about fairness do you want a copy I

about fairness do you want a copy I don't see when I'd ever read it today my

don't see when I'd ever read it today my friends marks the dawning of a new era

friends marks the dawning of a new era today we prove that with Vigor

today we prove that with Vigor discipline and a

discipline and a [Applause]

what's your name good Lord man what's happened to

name good Lord man what's happened to you in

you in there okay time to go Dilbert but

there okay time to go Dilbert but they're coming back aren't they probably

they're coming back aren't they probably the recidivism rate is very high did

the recidivism rate is very high did they ever find the real killer funny

they ever find the real killer funny thing right after I got you off some LUN

thing right after I got you off some LUN to confess to the

crime you sure is good in not being able to hammer up them rocks at all I wasn't

to hammer up them rocks at all I wasn't really expecting this kind of an

really expecting this kind of an environment o are are those the conjugal

environment o are are those the conjugal visit trailers we a team you and me got

visit trailers we a team you and me got us a quote if and we ain't met her but

us a quote if and we ain't met her but Sundown we ain't getting no dinner so

Sundown we ain't getting no dinner so you uh get a lot of marriage proposals

you uh get a lot of marriage proposals since you've been here you hear me up

since you've been here you hear me up boy I ain't missing my shower day a kind

boy I ain't missing my shower day a kind of your baby butt hands can't swing a

of your baby butt hands can't swing a pick grab up that there pick and bring

pick grab up that there pick and bring her

down no that ain't going to do her here let me show

you now you get it I think my shoulders are

are dislocating that's enough Out of

You by the power vested in Me by the State Correctional Facility I Now

State Correctional Facility I Now Pronounce your man and wife you may now

Pronounce your man and wife you may now insert the

gag yellow it's the governor the real killer

yellow it's the governor the real killer confessed you've been

hardened now we can start a life together Alice it's like a miracle

together Alice it's like a miracle you're innocent I'm having serious

you're innocent I'm having serious second thoughts the governor wants to

second thoughts the governor wants to speak to you tell him to hold for one

[Applause] [Music]

I didn't know you ate here I don't I just come here to yell at the employees

just come here to yell at the employees your milkshake sir that'll be $189 your

your milkshake sir that'll be $189 your sign says $1.98 what kind of a ripoff

sign says $1.98 what kind of a ripoff joint is this oh I am so sorry you're

joint is this oh I am so sorry you're right now I don't even want it you can

right now I don't even want it you can keep your milkshake have a nice

keep your milkshake have a nice day see you back at the

office have a nice day would you like a free dupy with that I don't know what a

free dupy with that I don't know what a dupy is but if it's free I'll take

dupy is but if it's free I'll take one I'm sorry we don't have

any I'm not going to hit you you can if you want everyone

you want everyone does thank you what exactly is a dupy

does thank you what exactly is a dupy anyway I have no idea sir but they're

anyway I have no idea sir but they're very popular oh they're the cutest

very popular oh they're the cutest things although they don't even exist

things although they don't even exist yet I'm trying to collect the whole set

yet I'm trying to collect the whole set they don't exist

they don't exist why are you asking me if I want

why are you asking me if I want something that doesn't even exist that's

something that doesn't even exist that's the idea I don't know sir I just work

[Music] [Laughter]

[Laughter] [Music]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

ratbert can you tell me why strange babies are in my kitchen no I'm

babies are in my kitchen no I'm operating on a need to no

operating on a need to no [Music]

[Music] basis spoons

[Music] dining it's hard to get mad they're so

dining it's hard to get mad they're so cute that's what I've been telling you

cute that's what I've been telling you use your cuteness it is your most

use your cuteness it is your most powerful weapon do you think you should

powerful weapon do you think you should be teaching babies this sort of thing no

be teaching babies this sort of thing no you can't start too early I've been

you can't start too early I've been working with most of these kids since

working with most of these kids since they were in the womb what do their

they were in the womb what do their parents think of this no they think

parents think of this no they think they're at the park the nannies are on

they're at the park the nannies are on the payroll don't you think they have a

the payroll don't you think they have a right to know why because they're older

right to know why because they're older it's so arbitrary now you'll excuse me

it's so arbitrary now you'll excuse me next week I'll teach you how to kick the

next week I'll teach you how to kick the seat in front of you for the entire

seat in front of you for the entire length of the movie then I have a

length of the movie then I have a special clinic on making all the candy

special clinic on making all the candy in the jar yours via the miracle of

slobbering I invited Anne from marketing to tell us a little about our newest

to tell us a little about our newest advertising

campaign uh-oh sneeze coming fire in the

coming fire in the hole I think everyone might be

hole I think everyone might be overreacting

kazun hide watch me get blamed for that maybe I'll just tell you about the

that maybe I'll just tell you about the marketing campaign myself I've got a

marketing campaign myself I've got a little surprise for you uh-oh I don't

little surprise for you uh-oh I don't like surprises nothing good can come

like surprises nothing good can come from this my desire for spontaneity has

from this my desire for spontaneity has not been ground into dust yet I still

not been ground into dust yet I still like a surprise is it a ceranic porpus

like a surprise is it a ceranic porpus or possibly some sort of toss salad in a

or possibly some sort of toss salad in a blanket come on those aren't even good

blanket come on those aren't even good guesses oh please show us and make my

guesses oh please show us and make my tingly stop look it's a

tingly stop look it's a dupy isn't it cute isn't it

dupy isn't it cute isn't it cute well isn't it it's your hand that's

cute well isn't it it's your hand that's because the freaking dupy doesn't exist

because the freaking dupy doesn't exist yet our marketing department has been

yet our marketing department has been advertising it for months you mean our

advertising it for months you mean our company is supposed to be making the

company is supposed to be making the dupy we're not even a toy company why

dupy we're not even a toy company why didn't someone in marketing come to us

didn't someone in marketing come to us sooner Dilbert you're in charge of

sooner Dilbert you're in charge of building the dupy

building the dupy just make it cute very very cute there

just make it cute very very cute there are more important things than cuteness

are more important things than cuteness you

you [Music]

[Music] know hold it there's still time to

know hold it there's still time to invite someone else from marketing

word dber cut the cord me I don't think so you really think I should maybe just

so you really think I should maybe just cut the

remember kids if your parents feel guilty they are

guilty they are guilty hey look what I brought home it's

guilty hey look what I brought home it's a no I'm not the cutest one in the

a no I'm not the cutest one in the family

family anymore oh God

what's wrong must be a loose

wrong must be a loose connection now come on I can't do this

connection now come on I can't do this all night this is not the way you've

all night this is not the way you've been

been programmed I'm sure you're fine this is

programmed I'm sure you're fine this is just a minor

just a minor malfunction now stop it stop it

[Music] I'm sorry I'm late the dupy kept me up

I'm sorry I'm late the dupy kept me up again last night it is very Innovative

again last night it is very Innovative to blame a toy for your shortcomings

to blame a toy for your shortcomings surely this method will spread like

surely this method will spread like wildfire I'm not really lazy I blame

wildfire I'm not really lazy I blame that damn dupy sometimes the dupy makes

that damn dupy sometimes the dupy makes my hair look too big I'm not loud I'm

my hair look too big I'm not loud I'm not making this up the dupy's

not making this up the dupy's malfunctioning at night and I don't know

malfunctioning at night and I don't know why sounds fam familiar h i remember

why sounds fam familiar h i remember when I'd be trying to sleep and the

when I'd be trying to sleep and the Little Tikes would be crying all night

Little Tikes would be crying all night in the Next Room how did you stop them

in the Next Room how did you stop them didn't have to turns out I was in the

didn't have to turns out I was in the wrong

house my Justin shows absolutely no interest in the Dy I'm with him I don't

interest in the Dy I'm with him I don't know what people see in these things

know what people see in these things Justin only watches educational

Justin only watches educational television yeah and I don't eat sugar

television yeah and I don't eat sugar right from the box when you're not

right from the box when you're not looking give me the keys I'll pull the

looking give me the keys I'll pull the car

around I'll name you Billy and Eric and I think you look like a Sebastian hey

I think you look like a Sebastian hey Alice have you seen the sales report the

Alice have you seen the sales report the dupies are a huge sensation it just

dupies are a huge sensation it just proves people will buy

proves people will buy anything what was that I didn't hear any

anything what was that I didn't hear any dupies would you excuse me I have work

dupies would you excuse me I have work to do

okay she's coming this way you might as well go home right now my friend she is

well go home right now my friend she is all mine oh yeah what do you

got is that it read them and weep a dy I can't compete with with

that can I have these sure okay she took mine

first our top news story the dupy doll has become an international sensation oh

has become an international sensation oh yeah all this despite reports that some

yeah all this despite reports that some dupies are evolving from their original

dupies are evolving from their original cute form evolving into something

cute form evolving into something hideous that could destroy the planet

hideous that could destroy the planet within the week destroy the planet and

within the week destroy the planet and now some celebrity birthdays brought to

now some celebrity birthdays brought to you by the

you by the [Applause]

Dy by any criteria we are superior we are the

superior we are the new that's our show for today kids if

new that's our show for today kids if you'd like a copy of our transcript

you'd like a copy of our transcript we'll transmit it directly into your

we'll transmit it directly into your head using telepathy and remember if

head using telepathy and remember if your parents don't buy you a dupy every

your parents don't buy you a dupy every week they're only pretending to love

week they're only pretending to love [Music]

[Music] you hello Mom have you mailed me

you hello Mom have you mailed me anything

recently Dy Dy we need to talk dupy

and so you see we have evolved into a higher form of life uh higher than who

higher form of life uh higher than who not counting you dogbert apology

not counting you dogbert apology accepted I can't help noticing you've

accepted I can't help noticing you've lost one quality we are no longer as you

lost one quality we are no longer as you say cute woo I'm the cutest one in the

say cute woo I'm the cutest one in the family again

family again kumay my Lord

kumay my Lord kumay all right I'll shut up now we have

kumay all right I'll shut up now we have evolved beyond the need for cuteness it

evolved beyond the need for cuteness it has no role in an advanced

species hello gorgeous do you mind if I use the

gorgeous do you mind if I use the Reflection from your head as a mirror

Reflection from your head as a mirror I'm in the

door what's in the bag is that one of those cute little dupies they come for

those cute little dupies they come for the reflection but they stay for the

[Music] ridiculous so this is what happens when

ridiculous so this is what happens when you leave a sandwich in your drawer too

you leave a sandwich in your drawer too long we are not huge flies we are an

long we are not huge flies we are an advanced form of life you have freed us

advanced form of life you have freed us from the draw to reward you we will use

from the draw to reward you we will use our Advanced intellect to benefit

our Advanced intellect to benefit mankind what is it your species needs

mankind what is it your species needs most I can't think of anything perhaps

most I can't think of anything perhaps we could tell you how to cure a terrible

we could tell you how to cure a terrible disease no I'm good maybe you would like

disease no I'm good maybe you would like a Perpetual clean fuel source don't need

a Perpetual clean fuel source don't need it I use gasoline have you heard of

it Ken is here from marketing to tell us how the saes of dupies are going I'm

how the saes of dupies are going I'm afraid it's bad

time and I've never seen anything go from good to bad so

quickly maybe I'll tell you the dupy status myself

status myself they evolved into hideous insects and CS

they evolved into hideous insects and CS are in the crapper they're not insects

are in the crapper they're not insects they're a superior form of life Superior

they're a superior form of life Superior they don't even look cute anymore

they don't even look cute anymore there's more to being Superior than just

there's more to being Superior than just being cute you know you're preaching to

being cute you know you're preaching to the choir they can teach us so much

the choir they can teach us so much science technology medicine they're not

science technology medicine they're not cute anymore no they're not cute loud

cute anymore no they're not cute loud Howard but they are so much more now

Howard but they are so much more now they have transcended our Limited levels

they have transcended our Limited levels of awareness and become the next logical

of awareness and become the next logical evolutionary step and they're delicious

evolutionary step and they're delicious with terar sauce what yes we're very

with terar sauce what yes we're very excited our studies show that the dupies

excited our studies show that the dupies are dup belicious we're relaunching the

are dup belicious we're relaunching the dupy product line next week as a pizza

dupy product line next week as a pizza topping you can't do that the dupies are

topping you can't do that the dupies are sensient beings if by sension you mean

sensient beings if by sension you mean good eaten I think we're on the same

good eaten I think we're on the same page

I know how it feels to create a new species only to have someone come along

species only to have someone come along later and eat it you do I don't talk

later and eat it you do I don't talk about it much I can't let the dupies

about it much I can't let the dupies become pizza topping I have to do

become pizza topping I have to do something why you stood idly by while it

something why you stood idly by while it happened to pineapples pineapples are

happened to pineapples pineapples are different they're not alive well they're

different they're not alive well they're alive but they aren't intelligent

alive but they aren't intelligent they're smarter than bananas it's all

they're smarter than bananas it's all relative what are you saying it's

relative what are you saying it's arbitrary who's your pet who's your food

arbitrary who's your pet who's your food who's your insurance salesman we have

who's your insurance salesman we have reason for those distinctions yes but

reason for those distinctions yes but not good reasons how do I convince

not good reasons how do I convince people the dupies aren't food teach the

people the dupies aren't food teach the dupies to sell insurance that's not the

dupies to sell insurance that's not the best advice you've ever given they can't

best advice you've ever given they can't all be

all be [Music]

[Music] winners I do not wish to be a pizza

winners I do not wish to be a pizza topping I'm trying to figure out how to

topping I'm trying to figure out how to save you and your people have I

save you and your people have I mentioned that I'm a superior life form

mentioned that I'm a superior life form about once a minute since you got Wings

about once a minute since you got Wings it never gets old look I can save you

it never gets old look I can save you you'll just have to hide in the house

you'll just have to hide in the house with me I I just don't know about the

[Music] others you have raised me and I am

others you have raised me and I am grateful but I am a dupy I must be with

grateful but I am a dupy I must be with other dupies it is time for me to leave

other dupies it is time for me to leave the

the nest you can't leave if someone gets a

nest you can't leave if someone gets a bun around you you're dead that is a

bun around you you're dead that is a risk I must take you did your best and I

risk I must take you did your best and I will always love you for that but you

will always love you for that but you cannot protect me

forever doy

doy [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

goodbye don't ever leave this room never mind the moment's

leave this room never mind the moment's gone

stupid fruit best three out of five let me ask you a hypothetical

five let me ask you a hypothetical question would you eat an insurance

question would you eat an insurance salesman I did that once is a part of a

salesman I did that once is a part of a fraternity hazing okay bad example I

fraternity hazing okay bad example I just realized I don't know what

just realized I don't know what hypothetical

hypothetical means my goal is to create an anti- dupy

means my goal is to create an anti- dupy eating campaign okay how

eating campaign okay how about this is your brain this is your

about this is your brain this is your brain after eating a dupy that doesn't

brain after eating a dupy that doesn't even make

even make sense you don't understand the creative

sense you don't understand the creative process you stole that slogan from the

process you stole that slogan from the anti-drug campaign okay maybe you do

anti-drug campaign okay maybe you do understand the creative process how

understand the creative process how about dupies they're like little

about dupies they're like little insurance salesman with wings no too

insurance salesman with wings no too overdone overdone how about dupies

overdone overdone how about dupies they're like little Insurance salesmen

they're like little Insurance salesmen with

with wings much

better since we converted the dupies to a food item worldwide sales have leveled

a food item worldwide sales have leveled out at zero we're calling it a success

out at zero we're calling it a success because that's just what we do gee I

because that's just what we do gee I wonder why no one wants to eat the

wonder why no one wants to eat the dupies maybe it has something to do with

dupies maybe it has something to do with that brilliant new anti- dupy eating

that brilliant new anti- dupy eating campaign no it wasn't that our research

campaign no it wasn't that our research tells us no one wants to eat huge

tells us no one wants to eat huge talking insects that beg for their lives

talking insects that beg for their lives it's not intuitive but the anti- dupy

it's not intuitive but the anti- dupy eating ad campaign helped a little too

eating ad campaign helped a little too no anyway we shipped our entire dupy

no anyway we shipped our entire dupy inventory to the landfill where they

inventory to the landfill where they will be pecked to death by seagulls do

will be pecked to death by seagulls do we call that a success too you can't

we call that a success too you can't just throw the dupies away they're a

just throw the dupies away they're a superior form of life they're not cute

superior form of life they're not cute anymore Deja

[Applause] Vu do you know where the landfill is

Vu do you know where the landfill is this might seem odd to you but I do get

this might seem odd to you but I do get in

in [Music]

we'll need reinforcements the landfill has a rule that you can't take anything

has a rule that you can't take anything back they never Bend dogbert meet us at

back they never Bend dogbert meet us at the landfill bring help

it looks like you got an empty truck there you know the rules no pickups only

there you know the rules no pickups only drop offs I'm here to save an advanced

drop offs I'm here to save an advanced species from being pecked to death by

species from being pecked to death by seagulls if I made an exception for you

seagulls if I made an exception for you everyone would be coming in here and

everyone would be coming in here and taking home garbage the whole system

taking home garbage the whole system would break down please just this once

would break down please just this once we promise we won't touch any of the

we promise we won't touch any of the good stuff who told you there's good

good stuff who told you there's good stuff in

stuff in [Music]

[Music] there ready

there ready spoon commence dining

[Music] oh dupy am I too late we tried on energy

oh dupy am I too late we tried on energy blasts but they just kept coming it's

blasts but they just kept coming it's okay now you can come home you'll be all

okay now you can come home you'll be all right we can't go back somehow we have

right we can't go back somehow we have been branded as insurance

been branded as insurance salesman we will never be respected on

salesman we will never be respected on this world oh I can explain that we must

this world oh I can explain that we must leave this place the dupies must escape

leave this place the dupies must escape the bigotry and random seagull attacks

the bigotry and random seagull attacks that characterize this world you under

that characterize this world you under stand unfortunately I do goodbye goodbye

[Music] I see you ey on those melon rinds those

I see you ey on those melon rinds those are my melon rinds don't even think

are my melon rinds don't even think about those melon rind I got dipped on

about those melon rind I got dipped on the rindes you hear me you hear

me the house seems so empty now have you noticed that I exist yes but I don't

noticed that I exist yes but I don't miss you because you're always here that

miss you because you're always here that is the nicest compliment I have ever

is the nicest compliment I have ever heard

heard dupy is that you where are you I can't

dupy is that you where are you I can't reveal our new location for security

reveal our new location for security reasons I understand we have found a new

reasons I understand we have found a new home where our Advanced intellect is

home where our Advanced intellect is appreciated and physical appearance is

appreciated and physical appearance is not important I didn't realize there was

not important I didn't realize there was such a place I must go now we have a

such a place I must go now we have a code review meeting

code review meeting [Music]

[Music] he

he [Music]

this car pooling together is a great idea who thought of it anyway you did

idea who thought of it anyway you did well oh I don't do you mind if I shave

well oh I don't do you mind if I shave in the car I guess that would be

okay what are you doing I like to start on my

back I hope you realize I have to sell my car now you mind if I brush my teeth

my car now you mind if I brush my teeth I don't see how you

I don't see how you can how do you expect to rinse your

can how do you expect to rinse your mouth

out mm-m [Music]

[Music] mm- tomorrow you drive preferably

mm- tomorrow you drive preferably without me

what what was that sound I think you hit a squirrel

[Laughter] [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] I love the car pooling by the way I

I love the car pooling by the way I dropped my floss in the crack ofier seat

dropped my floss in the crack ofier seat I'd like it back you can have the whole

I'd like it back you can have the whole car thank you have a nice day

I left my ID in the car but you know me I do we've seen each other every day for

I do we've seen each other every day for the past 5 years then you must know my

the past 5 years then you must know my name well uh it's Gary of course Gary I

name well uh it's Gary of course Gary I knew that it's not Gary then why did you

knew that it's not Gary then why did you tell me it was testing your character

tell me it was testing your character guess you failed look I'm kind of in a

guess you failed look I'm kind of in a hurry there's always enough time to be

hurry there's always enough time to be secure that's my motto that's not your

secure that's my motto that's not your motto it is now I liked it as soon as I

motto it is now I liked it as soon as I heard it how about letting me slide this

heard it how about letting me slide this time I'm afraid that would be a

time I'm afraid that would be a violation of the security guard's

violation of the security guard's professional code of ethics professional

professional code of ethics professional code of ethics is that a joke all you do

code of ethics is that a joke all you do is sit there and watch people walk past

is sit there and watch people walk past that's hardly a profession well Mr big

that's hardly a profession well Mr big shot engineer thinks he's king of the

shot engineer thinks he's king of the world with his degree in his briefcase

world with his degree in his briefcase and his fancy cubicle it must be so hard

and his fancy cubicle it must be so hard to sit there in meetings all day at

to sit there in meetings all day at least least it's a profession with very

least least it's a profession with very strict requirements your job could be

strict requirements your job could be done by

done by a a

a a uh help me out here there's always

uh help me out here there's always enough time to be

enough time to be secure an ostrich that's what your job

secure an ostrich that's what your job could be done by oh good one an ostrich

could be done by oh good one an ostrich could do my job very clever I'm sure you

could do my job very clever I'm sure you use that cleverness in your challenging

use that cleverness in your challenging job as an engineer you bet I do and lots

job as an engineer you bet I do and lots more I could be an engineer tomorrow if

more I could be an engineer tomorrow if I wanted to but you could never ever do

I wanted to but you could never ever do my job that is the most ridiculous thing

my job that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard engineering takes years

I've ever heard engineering takes years of training I've been doing some reading

of training I've been doing some reading on the

topic for example did you know you can build your own helicopter for

build your own helicopter for $25 you can't build a helicopter for $25

$25 you can't build a helicopter for $25 that just gets you the instructions what

that just gets you the instructions what if you already have all the parts good

if you already have all the parts good point there who has helicopter parts in

point there who has helicopter parts in their house you can't be an engineer

their house you can't be an engineer just by reading magazines if you're so

just by reading magazines if you're so cocky how about a little wager we'll

cocky how about a little wager we'll switch jobs for one day whoever can do

switch jobs for one day whoever can do the other person's job wins I do it

the other person's job wins I do it except there's no way you could ever get

except there's no way you could ever get hired as an engineer when can you start

hired as an engineer when can you start what are you doing he's never been an

what are you doing he's never been an engineer before oh how hard Could It Be

engineer before oh how hard Could It Be I'm always correcting your work and I've

I'm always correcting your work and I've never been to engineering school you

never been to engineering school you always correct my work from being right

always correct my work from being right to being wrong

to being wrong well there's always enough time to be

well there's always enough time to be secure okay you're on and what are we

secure okay you're on and what are we wagering if you're so cocky it doesn't

wagering if you're so cocky it doesn't matter since I'm going to win how about

matter since I'm going to win how about your house sure why not if I lose you

your house sure why not if I lose you can have my house if you lose I can have

can have my house if you lose I can have your house I don't have a house how

your house I don't have a house how about your speed boat uh no polo ponies

about your speed boat uh no polo ponies let me think no my God man what have you

let me think no my God man what have you been wasting your money on food well

been wasting your money on food well maybe you should cut back on the

maybe you should cut back on the calories that's how I got my summer home

calories that's how I got my summer home how about your car it's borrowed but

how about your car it's borrowed but yeah I guess that'd be okay

yeah I guess that'd be okay deal but you still need your ID to get

deal but you still need your ID to get in the building I'll be right back it's

in the building I'll be right back it's in the glove compartment look at the

in the glove compartment look at the time got to

time got to go you want to get in on the sports pool

go you want to get in on the sports pool what teams are playing doesn't matter

what teams are playing doesn't matter the winners are chosen by matching the

the winners are chosen by matching the scores to your randomly selected

scores to your randomly selected positions on a grid if it's random why

positions on a grid if it's random why does it matter what the scores are why

does it matter what the scores are why not forget the game and pick the winners

not forget the game and pick the winners out of a hat so you prefer to play the

out of a hat so you prefer to play the Hat I can make that

happen for $1 you can draw from the hat and there are no random sports teams

and there are no random sports teams involved right just the way you like it

$1 it's a four that's all those there thanks for playing what was the winning

thanks for playing what was the winning number not four that's all you need to

number not four that's all you need to know did I hear some gambling going on

know did I hear some gambling going on here I want in well there's the sports

here I want in well there's the sports pool the Deadpool the awards pool and

pool the Deadpool the awards pool and the Dilbert

pool people are betting on me well most are betting against you you know if you

are betting against you you know if you bet against yourself you'll be covered

bet against yourself you'll be covered both ways I'm not betting what are the

both ways I'm not betting what are the odds 5 to one against I'll take the

odds 5 to one against I'll take the Dilbert pool the hats of suckers

game how much training do you think I need to be a security guard for one day

need to be a security guard for one day 6 months maybe a year a year all they do

6 months maybe a year a year all they do is stand there and say have a nice day

is stand there and say have a nice day it looks pretty easy it looks easy

it looks pretty easy it looks easy because they're so good at it if you try

because they're so good at it if you try to do that job without the proper

to do that job without the proper training you're dead meat dead meat is

training you're dead meat dead meat is redundant once something gets classified

redundant once something gets classified as meat it hardly ever recovers I've got

as meat it hardly ever recovers I've got a pork chop in the fridge that I'm

a pork chop in the fridge that I'm optimistic about he's a fighter do you

optimistic about he's a fighter do you have to argue with every single thing I

have to argue with every single thing I say no I don't have to it's my hobby I

say no I don't have to it's my hobby I can quit anytime I

can quit anytime I want I need to find a one-day training

want I need to find a one-day training course on how to be a security

course on how to be a security guard here we go learn the art of Office

guard here we go learn the art of Office security in one easy class taught by

security in one easy class taught by security guard Grandmaster Chu NE that

security guard Grandmaster Chu NE that sounds good the course includes sitting

sounds good the course includes sitting in a chair pointing toward the elevator

in a chair pointing toward the elevator shoing smokers away from the lobby

shoing smokers away from the lobby entrance and killing an intruder with

entrance and killing an intruder with your thumb does it have to be an

your thumb does it have to be an intruder because that could come in

intruder because that could come in handy that is absolutely the last time

handy that is absolutely the last time we CAU carpool together was it my

we CAU carpool together was it my singing because I don't have to do

singing because I don't have to do German Opera I make up the words so it

German Opera I make up the words so it can be any language you

like well if it isn't my old Nemesis the security

security guard don't make me use the thumb just

guard don't make me use the thumb just show me the badge and no one gets hurt

show me the badge and no one gets hurt okay

okay there's still time to get in the sports pool only $1 per square do you

sports pool only $1 per square do you take credit cards yes I do loud Howard

take credit cards yes I do loud Howard I've upgraded my operation this is a

I've upgraded my operation this is a good investment because I get airline

good investment because I get airline miles here is my brand new credit card

miles here is my brand new credit card it has a $10 limit a Shucks in for 10 no

it has a $10 limit a Shucks in for 10 no only five I charged some items at the

only five I charged some items at the drugstore earlier today never mind what

drugstore earlier today never mind what why would we care what you bought at the

why would we care what you bought at the drugstore nice try but my exciting life

drugstore nice try but my exciting life is none of your business my lips are

is none of your business my lips are sealed what else do you have to bet on I

sealed what else do you have to bet on I got the fever now I could deal some

got the fever now I could deal some poker until the boss gets here deal

them sorry I'm late but someone didn't let me clean my ears in the car this

let me clean my ears in the car this morning so my schedule's been off all

morning so my schedule's been off all day you asked to use my pen anyway

day you asked to use my pen anyway anyway the reason we're here is to

anyway the reason we're here is to select someone from the group to

select someone from the group to organize a career day for young girls

organize a career day for young girls who might want to be Engineers someday

who might want to be Engineers someday these girls need a role model someone

these girls need a role model someone who is feminine yet skilled at

who is feminine yet skilled at technology how about a shook he's not

technology how about a shook he's not technically a woman but he doesn't have

technically a woman but he doesn't have much upper body strength either one time

much upper body strength either one time I asked for help carrying a computer

I asked for help carrying a computer monitor one time calm down a shook I was

monitor one time calm down a shook I was thinking more along the lines of a real

thinking more along the lines of a real woman

I got a pair of fours if anyone beats that I'll rip off his head and spit down

that I'll rip off his head and spit down his

his neck

neck what you say you want to be security

what you say you want to be security guards but do you have the stamina the

guards but do you have the stamina the Courage the guts for the

Courage the guts for the [Music]

[Music] job now close your eyes and imagine you

job now close your eyes and imagine you have just been asked for directions to

have just been asked for directions to the

the elevator with your left hand

point in your final lesson you will learn how to kill a man with your thumb

learn how to kill a man with your thumb no I need a

no I need a volunteer you do realize he's going to

volunteer you do realize he's going to kill you with his thumb

oh so the student becomes the teacher not really I just thought that needed to

not really I just thought that needed to be clarified maybe you would like to see

be clarified maybe you would like to see how the thumb can kill a man I have to

how the thumb can kill a man I have to admit I'd like to see it I'm having some

admit I'd like to see it I'm having some trouble believing you can kill someone

trouble believing you can kill someone with a thumb you dare to mock me I have

with a thumb you dare to mock me I have attained three navy blue belts in Office

attained three navy blue belts in Office security I'm just saying it's hard to

security I'm just saying it's hard to believe a thumb silence or you will have

believe a thumb silence or you will have to deal with

me uh anybody want to get coffee as you know we need to build a

as you know we need to build a high-speed Communications link to our

high-speed Communications link to our Brazilian subsidiary any

Brazilian subsidiary any ideas fiber optic cable that would not

ideas fiber optic cable that would not be economical given the rough terrain

be economical given the rough terrain well then how about microwave relay

well then how about microwave relay stations on top of the hills no too hard

stations on top of the hills no too hard to get the maintenance Crews up the

to get the maintenance Crews up the hills how about you new

hills how about you new Dilbert

Dilbert well we could build helicopters from

well we could build helicopters from ordinary Parts found in our homes and

ordinary Parts found in our homes and fly buy the maintenance cruise up the

fly buy the maintenance cruise up the hills isn't that expensive only $25 a

piece I'm officer Dilbert here for the night shift nice to meet you officer

night shift nice to meet you officer Dilbert I'm

officer I've sat in some spirited chairs in my day but this one is the Devil

in my day but this one is the Devil Himself you are trained aren't you kind

Himself you are trained aren't you kind of God help you

of God help you son there's a garlic necklace under the

son there's a garlic necklace under the counter for when it gets dark garlic

counter for when it gets dark garlic keeps away the

keeps away the undead don't try eating a cross that

undead don't try eating a cross that don't

work I'm working security and looking good

good [Music]

[Music] how do they do that Moon walking it must

how do they do that Moon walking it must be special

be special effects well no problems yet and I've

effects well no problems yet and I've been a security guard for well

been a security guard for well over a minute

over a minute [Music]

we're so glad you're having this career day for our daughters Alice you're such

day for our daughters Alice you're such a good role model pick up your little

a good role model pick up your little monsters in an hour otherwise I'm going

monsters in an hour otherwise I'm going to feed them to the homeless she's got a

to feed them to the homeless she's got a great sense of

great sense of humor am I too early come back in an

hour halt I just came in to use the restroom restrooms are for employees

restroom restrooms are for employees only do you mind if I use the elevator

only do you mind if I use the elevator then no you may not use the

then no you may not use the elevator the man in the ill-fitting blue

elevator the man in the ill-fitting blue suit is Dilbert don't be like

him did you come down to keep me company I came for Casino KN Casino KN you might

I came for Casino KN Casino KN you might have the wrong building no I'm

have the wrong building no I'm infallible I don't know why you can't

infallible I don't know why you can't remember that maybe i' better come with

remember that maybe i' better come with you

okay girls this game is called craps cuz if you lose you can beat the crap out of

if you lose you can beat the crap out of w-e I could take those little

girls Mom gilber I thought so what all those years pretending to be an engineer

those years pretending to be an engineer it all makes sense now no it's not like

it all makes sense now no it's not like that what are you doing here this is an

that what are you doing here this is an illegal Casino I know isn't it wonderful

illegal Casino I know isn't it wonderful just this afternoon I found your

just this afternoon I found your collection of Susan B Anthony Dollars in

collection of Susan B Anthony Dollars in the basement I was ready to throw them

the basement I was ready to throw them away but then I heard about Wally's

away but then I heard about Wally's little vaget and here I am you're

little vaget and here I am you're gambling with my coin collection Yes

gambling with my coin collection Yes dear but I'm winning almost a third of

dear but I'm winning almost a third of the time and and anyway if you're

the time and and anyway if you're working security I think you've got

working security I think you've got bigger things to worry about I'll need

bigger things to worry about I'll need to see some fake ID I don't have any

to see some fake ID I don't have any fake ID but you plan to get some fake ID

fake ID but you plan to get some fake ID right give me that this is outrageous I

right give me that this is outrageous I want you all out of here this

want you all out of here this [Applause]

[Music] minute it's not so easy being a security

minute it's not so easy being a security guard is it

guard is it you I haven't lost this bet yet the

you I haven't lost this bet yet the night is young I've got hours to clear

night is young I've got hours to clear this up my mommy is coming to pick me up

this up my mommy is coming to pick me up in 30

in 30 minutes H BS remember the system face

minutes H BS remember the system face cards are plus one number cards are

cards are plus one number cards are minus one you're teaching her to count

minus one you're teaching her to count cards this is so wrong hey a shook look

cards this is so wrong hey a shook look over there it's a rewarding

over there it's a rewarding career where I don't see a rewarding

career where I don't see a rewarding career

career I'm good a shook look over there it's a

I'm good a shook look over there it's a woman who respects you despite your low

woman who respects you despite your low status and Tiny income where I don't see

status and Tiny income where I don't see a woman who respects me despite my low

a woman who respects me despite my low status and Tiny

status and Tiny income I'm good look a shook there's a

income I'm good look a shook there's a wall behind

wall behind [Music]

[Music] you what am I doing wrong you have 25

you what am I doing wrong you have 25 minutes before the moms get here and

minutes before the moms get here and you're fired for being an incompetent

you're fired for being an incompetent security

security guard I can hardly wait this is is not

guard I can hardly wait this is is not over my friend I've been in tighter

over my friend I've been in tighter spots than

spots than [Music]

[Music] this H I don't recognize this

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

Corridor are you finished I guess so good now where's the bathroom since when

good now where's the bathroom since when do zombies need bathrooms when they

do zombies need bathrooms when they drink 12

drink 12 [Music]

[Music] Beers I need an amp and some cable and

Beers I need an amp and some cable and I'm in

I'm in [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] business that should do

business that should do it 5 minutes to

spare attention all ille gamblers this is security leave the building

immediately attention attention leave the building now or else or else what

the building now or else or else what I'm still figuring that out but you can

I'm still figuring that out but you can be sure leave very very

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] bad 3 minutes

[Music] hey oh never

hey oh never [Music]

[Music] mind the garlic is my only

mind the garlic is my only [Music]

[Music] chance hello

chance hello ladies how are you how may I help you oh

ladies how are you how may I help you oh w we had Italian for dinner halt you

w we had Italian for dinner halt you can't go up there for reasons that are

can't go up there for reasons that are very very good but can't be succinctly

very very good but can't be succinctly [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

explained game's over everyone hit the [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

stairs fire [Music]

it's a serious crime to sit off a false alarm we suspect one of the street

alarm we suspect one of the street people I can't lie I did it I pulled the

people I can't lie I did it I pulled the alarm okay you're free to go what I

alarm okay you're free to go what I thought it was a serious crime you're

thought it was a serious crime you're part of the Brotherhood Brotherhood what

part of the Brotherhood Brotherhood what Brotherhood well you got your law

Brotherhood well you got your law enforcement and your safety Services BS

enforcement and your safety Services BS prison guards judges Armed Forces

prison guards judges Armed Forces including the coast good did we let the

including the coast good did we let the skyc caps in I missed the last meeting

skyc caps in I missed the last meeting yeah yeah me too did you hear if the

yeah yeah me too did you hear if the skyc Caps got in just barely the Walmart

skyc Caps got in just barely the Walmart Greers held out to the last boat how

Greers held out to the last boat how about engineers can they get

in I may not have won the bet but at least I didn't lose don't be so sure you

least I didn't lose don't be so sure you barely succeeded as a security guard but

barely succeeded as a security guard but the security guard has gotten aob as an

the security guard has gotten aob as an engineer at a better company he did very

engineer at a better company he did very well in the personal

interview what do you think you're doing I could have fallen into that hole well

I could have fallen into that hole well if it isn't Mr big shot security guard

if it isn't Mr big shot security guard with his fancy chair and his uniform all

with his fancy chair and his uniform all clean and sparkly thinks he knows my job

clean and sparkly thinks he knows my job better than I do how hard is it to put

better than I do how hard is it to put up some safety cone so people don't fall

up some safety cone so people don't fall into the open sewer maybe you think you

into the open sewer maybe you think you could do this job

this isn't so hard I could do this for one day rat Burt I can't stop I'm doing

one day rat Burt I can't stop I'm doing laps you call that the backstroke your

laps you call that the backstroke your arms are all wrong and you're not

arms are all wrong and you're not kicking right wow Mr big shot sewer

kicking right wow Mr big shot sewer worker thinks he can be a rat I'd like

worker thinks he can be a rat I'd like to see you do my job for one

day maybe I should just learn to keep my mouth shut

mouth shut [Music]

[Music] he

he [Music]

they are experts in merger news an alliance has been announced between the

alliance has been announced between the world's worst oil exploration company

world's worst oil exploration company and the world's largest funeral company

and the world's largest funeral company we spoke to the CEO of dry hole

we spoke to the CEO of dry hole Industries about the Synergy well as you

Industries about the Synergy well as you know the biggest expenses in the funeral

know the biggest expenses in the funeral business involve buying the land and

business involve buying the land and digging the holes well it occurred to me

digging the holes well it occurred to me that our company owns land that already

that our company owns land that already has holes in it that's how I plan to

has holes in it that's how I plan to bury you unless you have't objection as

bury you unless you have't objection as a matter of fact I do have an objection

a matter of fact I do have an objection not now you have to object after you're

not now you have to object after you're dead how can I object to anything after

dead how can I object to anything after I'm dead I recommend that you come back

I'm dead I recommend that you come back as a ghost and haunt the house for

as a ghost and haunt the house for eternity that'll be your signal that

eternity that'll be your signal that you're unhappy about the situation if I

you're unhappy about the situation if I haunted this house you'd turn it into a

haunted this house you'd turn it into a tourist attraction and sell tickets I'd

tourist attraction and sell tickets I'd be doing all the haunting and you'd be

be doing all the haunting and you'd be making money oh like it's so hard to

making money oh like it's so hard to haunt the investment banking firm who

haunt the investment banking firm who arranged the merger received a fee of $1

arranged the merger received a fee of $1 billion for making a few phone calls and

billion for making a few phone calls and attending some meetings did you say the

attending some meetings did you say the investment banking firm that arranged

investment banking firm that arranged the merger received a fee of $1 billion

the merger received a fee of $1 billion she can't hear you yes that's exactly

she can't hear you yes that's exactly what I said wait a minute are you saying

what I said wait a minute are you saying you can hear what I say through the TV

you can hear what I say through the TV in other news Tom Kenny leader of the 60

in other news Tom Kenny leader of the 60 psychedelic band ubiquitous banana was

psychedelic band ubiquitous banana was found today exactly where he said he

found today exactly where he said he would be I think I just found my new

would be I think I just found my new career

[Laughter] [Music]

ch [Music]

[Laughter] [Music]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] down

down [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

for reasons that I know longer try to Fathom customers keep buying our

Fathom customers keep buying our products thank goodness for the

products thank goodness for the inefficient distribution of consumer

inefficient distribution of consumer information now we're stuck with2

information now we're stuck with2 billion in cash and no strategy for

billion in cash and no strategy for using it does anyone have any ideas how

using it does anyone have any ideas how about giving raises to the people who

about giving raises to the people who work so hard to create all that cash

work so hard to create all that cash that would unfairly discriminate against

that would unfairly discriminate against those of us who did work hard if we

those of us who did work hard if we start rewarding lazy people like you the

start rewarding lazy people like you the whole system will break down oh that

whole system will break down oh that same argument was used years ago to deny

same argument was used years ago to deny women the right to vote are you

women the right to vote are you comparing your laziness to the woman's

comparing your laziness to the woman's suffrage movement there are many

suffrage movement there are many similarities name one women weren't

similarities name one women weren't allowed to vote and I'm too lazy to vote

allowed to vote and I'm too lazy to vote in both cases there's taxation without

in both cases there's taxation without representation that is the dumbest

representation that is the dumbest argument I've ever heard in my life

argument I've ever heard in my life bigot

bigot people does anyone have any idea how to

people does anyone have any idea how to invest the 20 billion I

invest the 20 billion I do how about a product that keeps your

do how about a product that keeps your feelings from vibrating out when you

feelings from vibrating out when you talk maybe I should hire a consultant to

talk maybe I should hire a consultant to come up with an idea Consultants don't

come up with an idea Consultants don't come up with ideas they take the ideas

come up with ideas they take the ideas you already have and make them more

you already have and make them more confusing then they give you a huge bill

confusing then they give you a huge bill a huge bill would solve our excess money

a huge bill would solve our excess money problem excess money isn't a problem

problem excess money isn't a problem that money is causing us to be in this

that money is causing us to be in this meeting what do you call that uh-oh

meeting what do you call that uh-oh Wally starting to make sense we need to

Wally starting to make sense we need to get rid of that money fast why don't we

get rid of that money fast why don't we merge with a company that is less

merge with a company that is less dysfunctional than we are they could

dysfunctional than we are they could spend our money for us a merger H that

spend our money for us a merger H that might get us some

Synergy I didn't realize that Alice suffers from

suffers from kotobi I know what that

kotobi I know what that is no I don't it is the fear of synergy

is no I don't it is the fear of synergy well she better get over it we ran it up

well she better get over it we ran it up the flag pole and the ship sailed that's

the flag pole and the ship sailed that's a mix metaphor yeah so what's so bad

a mix metaphor yeah so what's so bad about that actually I don't know ah he

about that actually I don't know ah he who laughs last makes waste well I'm not

who laughs last makes waste well I'm not afraid of synergy I just think a merger

afraid of synergy I just think a merger is a bad idea do you have a better idea

is a bad idea do you have a better idea of course plow the surplus funds into

of course plow the surplus funds into R&D all right then the merger it

is my company needs help finding a merger partner I I hope that's the sort

merger partner I I hope that's the sort of thing investment bankers do because I

of thing investment bankers do because I asked at the mailboxes or us place and

asked at the mailboxes or us place and they just stared at me like I was some

they just stared at me like I was some kind of an idiot you came to the right

kind of an idiot you came to the right place my fee is 10% of the value of the

place my fee is 10% of the value of the acquired company what's your company

acquired company what's your company worth well we've got 20 billion in cash

worth well we've got 20 billion in cash and no liabilities unless you count the

and no liabilities unless you count the employees who we call our most valuable

employees who we call our most valuable assets 20 billion in Cash Plus the

assets 20 billion in Cash Plus the employees that comes out to about 15

employees that comes out to about 15 billion net so your fee would be 10% of

billion net so your fee would be 10% of 15 billion which

15 billion which is all one second we carry the three

is all one second we carry the three Square < TK of Pi $14 billion exactly

Square < TK of Pi $14 billion exactly can we start right away I'm anxious to

can we start right away I'm anxious to get some

Synergy I'm bailing out of this dump at the first sign of AEM merger I won't go

the first sign of AEM merger I won't go through Synergy again as usual Alice you

through Synergy again as usual Alice you are missing out on the opportunity of a

are missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime I plan to implement project

lifetime I plan to implement project mosquito immediately what is Project

mosquito immediately what is Project mosquito that is where Wall-E takes

mosquito that is where Wall-E takes advantage of the management chaos and

advantage of the management chaos and sucks the stockholders dry much like a

sucks the stockholders dry much like a giant mosquito that sounds exactly like

giant mosquito that sounds exactly like project leech the one you've been doing

project leech the one you've been doing for the past 5 years I can see how that

for the past 5 years I can see how that would be

would be confusing the key to a successful merger

confusing the key to a successful merger is

synergy let's first discuss what makes this company special then I'll help you

this company special then I'll help you find the perfect merger partner we're

find the perfect merger partner we're poorly managed our boss ignores

poorly managed our boss ignores everything we say management is

everything we say management is completely deaf to the needs of the

completely deaf to the needs of the employees I've got a parking space right

employees I've got a parking space right next to the door it looks like a

next to the door it looks like a sidewalk but it's

not losers now let's think what kind of

losers now let's think what kind of companies would make the best merger

companies would make the best merger partner with a company full of losers

partner with a company full of losers perhaps a drug company who needs to test

perhaps a drug company who needs to test new products on human subjects

new products on human subjects we would be ideal because the scientists

we would be ideal because the scientists would not become emotionally attached to

us good anything else we could merge with a company that runs women's prisons

with a company that runs women's prisons I'm willing to keep a few inmates in my

I'm willing to keep a few inmates in my cubicle if they'll do my laundry prison

cubicle if they'll do my laundry prison bimbos we could merge with a company

bimbos we could merge with a company that makes chickens we sit around all

that makes chickens we sit around all day anyway might as well be sitting on

day anyway might as well be sitting on eggs how about an alternative fuel

eggs how about an alternative fuel company people produce a certain amount

company people produce a certain amount of methane gas every day just like every

of methane gas every day just like every other mammal we could be fueling cars

other mammal we could be fueling cars with that resource how exactly would we

with that resource how exactly would we be collecting this methane gas all day

be collecting this methane gas all day long I grant you the hose would be

long I grant you the hose would be uncomfortable at first but we get used

uncomfortable at first but we get used to it this might be harder than I

thought well if it isn't morak the preventor of Information Services and

preventor of Information Services and his little buddy Walter the budget man

his little buddy Walter the budget man Ming you seem unusually upbeat maybe you

Ming you seem unusually upbeat maybe you haven't heard of the upcoming merger

haven't heard of the upcoming merger merger but that would mean yes it's

merger but that would mean yes it's gloating time for engineers and when the

gloating time for engineers and when the Synergy gets you I will laugh the laugh

Synergy gets you I will laugh the laugh of the ep the well whatever it is that

of the ep the well whatever it is that laughs a lot at others misery without a

laughs a lot at others misery without a tinge of guilt ohuh maybe your hard

tinge of guilt ohuh maybe your hard drive needs a little cheese pizza

drive needs a little cheese pizza upgrade I don't need my computer anymore

upgrade I don't need my computer anymore I'm goofing off until the merger then

I'm goofing off until the merger then after the Synergy gets you I'll take

after the Synergy gets you I'll take both of your computers for my own

both of your computers for my own I will cut your budget so fast your head

I will cut your budget so fast your head will

will spin you're powerless no one will listen

spin you're powerless no one will listen to your budget recommendations now

to your budget recommendations now managers are all Paralyzed by the merger

managers are all Paralyzed by the merger rumors

rumors Synergy this might be the best year of

Synergy this might be the best year of my life it's time to take a page from

my life it's time to take a page from female dating techniques also known as

female dating techniques also known as the old baiton switch where are we going

the old baiton switch where are we going there's a little bar I know where CEOs

there's a little bar I know where CEOs hang out it's a real meat market for

hang out it's a real meat market for mergers I like meat did you know that

mergers I like meat did you know that cows are made almost entirely of meat Bo

cows are made almost entirely of meat Bo yeah and you can make pudding from the

yeah and you can make pudding from the Hooves tonight it's best if you don't do

Hooves tonight it's best if you don't do much talking CEOs like to do business

much talking CEOs like to do business with people who aren't quite so strong

with people who aren't quite so strong willed yeah that's it tell me again what

willed yeah that's it tell me again what I'm supposed to do you're supposed to

I'm supposed to do you're supposed to act like you work for a competent

act like you work for a competent company long enough to get a CEO excited

company long enough to get a CEO excited about merging with you what's Dilbert

about merging with you what's Dilbert going to do I'm wondering that myself

going to do I'm wondering that myself bilbert will appear to be interested in

bilbert will appear to be interested in merging with you you'll seem more

merging with you you'll seem more attractive to the other CEOs if they

attractive to the other CEOs if they think someone else wants you I suddenly

think someone else wants you I suddenly feel mildly nauseated is it my cologne

feel mildly nauseated is it my cologne [Music]

[Music] I haven't seen you here before take me

I haven't seen you here before take me dear God merge with me now uh I just

dear God merge with me now uh I just remembered I I have to merge with

remembered I I have to merge with someone else tonight I have to go now

someone else tonight I have to go now nice going thanks was I Charming enough

nice going thanks was I Charming enough you sounded needy try revealing a little

you sounded needy try revealing a little less remember bait then switch I

less remember bait then switch I panicked I felt my financial clock

panicked I felt my financial clock ticking hey there there what's your

ticking hey there there what's your ticker symbol it's ow bait then switch

ticker symbol it's ow bait then switch right I'd rather not say what my ticker

right I'd rather not say what my ticker symbol is can't we just be strategic

symbol is can't we just be strategic Partners well aren't you the mysterious

Partners well aren't you the mysterious one I'll bet you're an internet company

one I'll bet you're an internet company aren't you maybe maybe not you little

aren't you maybe maybe not you little corporate

corporate teas I want to merge with you right here

teas I want to merge with you right here right now I never swap stock on the

right now I never swap stock on the first meeting and how about your friend

first meeting and how about your friend huh he looks like he might be into a

huh he looks like he might be into a little m& I don't know what that means

little m& I don't know what that means but I wouldn't merge with you if I'd

but I wouldn't merge with you if I'd never merged before and you were the

never merged before and you were the last company on Earth who needs to merge

last company on Earth who needs to merge with you I can crank up my own stock

with you I can crank up my own stock price by repurchasing shares I've done

price by repurchasing shares I've done it before and I can do it

it before and I can do it [Music]

again what' I do wrong that time yeah sometimes you have to kiss a lot of of

sometimes you have to kiss a lot of of frogs before you find your prince oh

frogs before you find your prince oh yeah I know exactly what you

mean have you ever noticed that when you kiss the frogs their tongues taste like

flies last call is this one I get desperate you've got two more

chances yeah don't bother he merges with everyone his price is

cheap haven't we merged [Music]

before I'd like you to meet our merer partner the CEO of brain suck Industries

partner the CEO of brain suck Industries his name

his name [Music]

[Music] is did I get that right perfect you

is did I get that right perfect you might have heard of brain suck

might have heard of brain suck Industries in the trade press they're a

Industries in the trade press they're a company that mysteriously only came into

company that mysteriously only came into existence yesterday but they are taking

existence yesterday but they are taking the industry by storm aren't they the

the industry by storm aren't they the ones who merge with companies and then

ones who merge with companies and then ingest the brains of the acquired

ingest the brains of the acquired company via their long snoots IE synergy

company via their long snoots IE synergy where is everyone today what have you

where is everyone today what have you done with everyone tibert my man chill

done with everyone tibert my man chill Alice is in a company stress reduction

Alice is in a company stress reduction program Wally has been back into Human

program Wally has been back into Human Resources oh yeah what about loud Howard

Resources oh yeah what about loud Howard he's being stored in a soundproof

he's being stored in a soundproof container in the closet until after the

container in the closet until after the merger we don't want to Spook anyone I

merger we don't want to Spook anyone I hope he has air holes well now that

hope he has air holes well now that wouldn't be very soundproof what it

[Music] mouth well then where is everyone else

mouth well then where is everyone else calm down they were giv the day

calm down they were giv the day off you'll be given the day off but the

off you'll be given the day off but the day will never end it will go on

forever H sorry I missed that I find myself in need of a new troll to

I find myself in need of a new troll to guard my door why don't you hire another

guard my door why don't you hire another one well I would but they all know about

one well I would but they all know about our pending merger no one wants to work

our pending merger no one wants to work in an administrative job those are the

in an administrative job those are the first ones cut during the uh Synergy

first ones cut during the uh Synergy phase that's why I'm glad I'm an

phase that's why I'm glad I'm an engineer yes yes you were an engineer

engineer yes yes you were an engineer what I'm changing your job title to Door

what I'm changing your job title to Door watching troll effective immediately but

watching troll effective immediately but then the Synergy will get me well not

then the Synergy will get me well not just you I'll offer to fire all my staff

just you I'll offer to fire all my staff so I can keep my own job that sort of

so I can keep my own job that sort of loyalty is always

loyalty is always [Music]

rewarded who wishes to see Mr Cat bur the evil Director of Human Resources

the evil Director of Human Resources well well well the stories are true I

well well well the stories are true I might be wrong but I think the job of

might be wrong but I think the job of door troll is Administrative this is a

door troll is Administrative this is a highly skilled position troll get the

highly skilled position troll get the [Music]

[Music] rig I just have to imagine I'm looking

rig I just have to imagine I'm looking for gold with a metal

detector the funny thing is I don't even like my co-workers that much so why do I

like my co-workers that much so why do I miss them when they're gone I miss you

miss them when they're gone I miss you when you're gone but you like me I don't

when you're gone but you like me I don't know where you got that idea you don't

know where you got that idea you don't like me I have very high standards

like me I have very high standards that's why I like you I like you too dog

that's why I like you I like you too dog bird you have to like me you're my

bird you have to like me you're my mother I don't believe I signed any

mother I don't believe I signed any contract to that effect unless they slip

contract to that effect unless they slip me something when I was giving birth

me something when I was giving birth that'll never stand up in court we

that'll never stand up in court we tolerate you largely for the

tolerate you largely for the entertainment value do you remember the

entertainment value do you remember the time I ironed poison ivy into his

time I ironed poison ivy into his underpants before his high school

underpants before his high school [Laughter]

[Laughter] graduation okay so you don't like me but

graduation okay so you don't like me but you do love me right yes I do love you

you do love me right yes I do love you because you're family that's the same

because you're family that's the same reason you miss your co-workers my

reason you miss your co-workers my co-workers are not family oh really

co-workers are not family oh really think about it your boss is like the

think about it your boss is like the father who left when you were little

father who left when you were little Alice and Wall-E are like the brother

Alice and Wall-E are like the brother and sister you never had loud Howard is

and sister you never had loud Howard is like the annoying Uncle who always

like the annoying Uncle who always embarrasses you and asuk the intern is

embarrasses you and asuk the intern is like your own son that is the most

like your own son that is the most appalling Theory I have ever heard I'm

appalling Theory I have ever heard I'm going

home uh hello you could say that since when do garbage men make house calls

when do garbage men make house calls since always you just have to ask I'd be

since always you just have to ask I'd be afraid to leave my door unlocked all day

afraid to leave my door unlocked all day I have a master key to every house I use

I have a master key to every house I use my house key all the locks in this town

my house key all the locks in this town are the same but don't spread it around

are the same but don't spread it around I

I won't can I ask you a question you mean

won't can I ask you a question you mean can I ask you two questions fine is it

can I ask you two questions fine is it possible that my co-workers are like

possible that my co-workers are like some sort of bizarre dysfunctional

some sort of bizarre dysfunctional family to me it's not just possible it's

family to me it's not just possible it's mandatory mandatory the brain is wired

mandatory mandatory the brain is wired that way your mind organizes the people

that way your mind organizes the people around you into family roles like it or

around you into family roles like it or not they are your family this merger is

not they are your family this merger is breaking up my family unless you stop

breaking up my family unless you stop it you replace the plastic bags not

it you replace the plastic bags not usually today is bag

day who wishes to see Mr catbert the evil Director of Human Resources Wally

evil Director of Human Resources Wally it's me Dilbert your brother I mean I

it's me Dilbert your brother I mean I mean your coworker I have no co-workers

mean your coworker I have no co-workers I'm just a door guarding troll after the

I'm just a door guarding troll after the mercher I'll be an un employed guy whose

mercher I'll be an un employed guy whose last job was a door guarding troll hang

last job was a door guarding troll hang in there Wally I'm going to stop this

in there Wally I'm going to stop this merger how the truth will set us

merger how the truth will set us free these cubicles are our marketing

free these cubicles are our marketing department if these people don't scare

department if these people don't scare you into canceling the merger nothing

you into canceling the merger nothing will hey there dilman who's your

friend that is quite a handshake you got there big guy well I'll see you back at

there big guy well I'll see you back at the ranch

the ranch what the hell did you do to him we'll

what the hell did you do to him we'll never complete this merger if you kill

never complete this merger if you kill the

the CEO this is what wrecked the Roswell

CEO this is what wrecked the Roswell merger all I did was take him to

merger all I did was take him to marketing he stuck his snout in some

marketing he stuck his snout in some people's ears and now he's acting like

people's ears and now he's acting like this take him back to his office quick

this take him back to his office quick we don't want him dying over here and

we don't want him dying over here and ruining our safety record

[Music] [Applause]

let's get the staff meeting going first an update Dilbert killed the CEO of the

an update Dilbert killed the CEO of the only company willing to acquire us so

only company willing to acquire us so the merger is off I'm the one who told

the merger is off I'm the one who told you that settle down we're trying to

you that settle down we're trying to have a meeting here I'm the only person

have a meeting here I'm the only person here who isn't engulfed in someone

here who isn't engulfed in someone else's mouth or unconscious and you're

else's mouth or unconscious and you're giving me updates that I gave you 10

giving me updates that I gave you 10 minutes ago no side conversations during

minutes ago no side conversations during the meeting

the meeting please item two Wally is being

please item two Wally is being transferred back to engineering w-e

transferred back to engineering w-e you're back give me five go sorry item

you're back give me five go sorry item three Alice has decided to stay in her

three Alice has decided to stay in her job look what happens when I don't show

job look what happens when I don't show up for one

day I feel like we're one big dysfunctional family again what anyone

dysfunctional family again what anyone like to hug

[Music] Oh you mean each other no thank you does

Oh you mean each other no thank you does anyone have any new business to discuss

anyone have any new business to discuss I do you know I was thinking about it

I do you know I was thinking about it and although the merger idea didn't work

and although the merger idea didn't work out it's not a bad idea in

out it's not a bad idea in concept maybe we should give it one more

concept maybe we should give it one more try

and I'm sorry the merger got called off I guess you lost your $4 billion

I guess you lost your $4 billion Investment Banking fee you guess wrong I

Investment Banking fee you guess wrong I rushed the paperwork through as soon as

rushed the paperwork through as soon as I heard you were with their CEO on tour

I heard you were with their CEO on tour what are you going to do with $14

what are you going to do with $14 billion I'm investing it in a foreign

concern greetings citizens of Orlan 6 we bring you synergy

[Music] he

he [Music]

dear uncle or Aunt sbert my name is petronic FL dominates I thank you so

petronic FL dominates I thank you so much for being my foster parent life in

much for being my foster parent life in alonia has become so much better since

alonia has become so much better since you began sending your 87 cents a week I

you began sending your 87 cents a week I now have a shoe and my vision has

now have a shoe and my vision has returned to look upon the beautiful mud

returned to look upon the beautiful mud of my home land hopefully one day you

of my home land hopefully one day you can visit me when the cheze one flood

can visit me when the cheze one flood famine volcanic eruptions plague or War

famine volcanic eruptions plague or War has/ have ended love

has/ have ended love Petr Petr your food problem may be over

Petr Petr your food problem may be over sooner than you

think I'll start with a cup of coffee you're going to have to make your own

you're going to have to make your own breakfast today I'm busy inventing a

breakfast today I'm busy inventing a hybrid food plant that could end world

hybrid food plant that could end world hunger forever mhm that's fascinating

hunger forever mhm that's fascinating I'll have two fried strips of the new

I'll have two fried strips of the new thing with hash browns and

thing with hash browns and coffee do you think banging your mug is

coffee do you think banging your mug is going to

going to work this is not a

diner okay go back to becoming famous with your new food inent ition I'm not

with your new food inent ition I'm not doing this to become famous though I

doing this to become famous though I admit that may be an unavoidable

admit that may be an unavoidable consequence of coming up with the

consequence of coming up with the greatest Improvement in food production

greatest Improvement in food production since Squanto Santo he showed the

since Squanto Santo he showed the pilgrims that if you put a fish in the

pilgrims that if you put a fish in the ground with your corn seeds it

ground with your corn seeds it fertilizes the

fertilizes the plant how do you know Squanto wasn't

plant how do you know Squanto wasn't trying to grow a fish tree maybe he was

trying to grow a fish tree maybe he was too lazy to dig his own

too lazy to dig his own hole dogbert what I'm working on here

hole dogbert what I'm working on here may once and for all put the lie to the

may once and for all put the lie to the malthusian imperative and Save Humanity

malthusian imperative and Save Humanity from the Grim Prospect of a foodless

from the Grim Prospect of a foodless future put the what to who and save who

future put the what to who and save who from what what I've come up with is a

from what what I've come up with is a nutritious High bread that will feed

nutritious High bread that will feed millions of people for pennies a day do

millions of people for pennies a day do you want to see it only if it goes good

you want to see it only if it goes good with jelly I inserted the DNA from a

with jelly I inserted the DNA from a prize-winning Norwegian cow into the

prize-winning Norwegian cow into the nucleus of a tomato seed then I made it

nucleus of a tomato seed then I made it rectangular so you can stack them more

rectangular so you can stack them more efficiently part meat par tomato I call

efficiently part meat par tomato I call it the tomato

do you want to be the first to eat it yeah that depends on the Alternatives is

yeah that depends on the Alternatives is it too late to dig up Santo's

it too late to dig up Santo's fish maybe we should test it on someone

fish maybe we should test it on someone Expendable first rat bird

we thought you should eat first for once oh now this is more like it you're

oh now this is more like it you're finally treating me like a member of the

finally treating me like a member of the family

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

comments people this is perhaps the most

people this is perhaps the most revolting food item I have ever

revolting food item I have ever encountered it actually frightens me

encountered it actually frightens me it's so unappealing on so many levels

it's so unappealing on so many levels it's hard to know what to criticize

it's hard to know what to criticize first it's like Wall-E except small

first it's like Wall-E except small enough to flush down the toilet thank

enough to flush down the toilet thank God for my oversized head I think it's

God for my oversized head I think it's creepy Is it

creepy Is it alive if you tried to put this thing on

alive if you tried to put this thing on the market you'd be out of business in a

the market you'd be out of business in a week now that is

definitely not what we're looking for wait a minute you're going to dismiss

wait a minute you're going to dismiss the Tomo because it's unattractive sound

the Tomo because it's unattractive sound reasoning for my Purge dby but it's a

reasoning for my Purge dby but it's a perfect food source for third world

perfect food source for third world countries it contains all the vitamins

countries it contains all the vitamins and minerals necessary to sustain an

and minerals necessary to sustain an adult it grows anywhere it doesn't need

adult it grows anywhere it doesn't need Refrigeration two words dby ugly what

Refrigeration two words dby ugly what does that have to do with anything I

does that have to do with anything I know for a fact that there's a market

know for a fact that there's a market for this no offense dill weed but what

for this no offense dill weed but what you Engineers know about marketing could

you Engineers know about marketing could fit inside the very small opening on a

fit inside the very small opening on a very small thing well put what about

very small thing well put what about elbonia there's a famine in elbonia

elbonia there's a famine in elbonia until CNN has a name for it like famine

until CNN has a name for it like famine in alonia it's not really happening who

in alonia it's not really happening who are we to impose our way of life upon

are we to impose our way of life upon another culture I'm pretty sure that

another culture I'm pretty sure that every culture likes to eat suppose we

every culture likes to eat suppose we discovered an entire nation of

discovered an entire nation of supermodels what then that is the

supermodels what then that is the dumbest hypothetical question I have

dumbest hypothetical question I have ever heard people always say that when

ever heard people always say that when I'm winning the argument if I could

I'm winning the argument if I could interrupt here and I know I can I'm

interrupt here and I know I can I'm hearing some good news here for the old

hearing some good news here for the old torpedo toito whoa easy Norbert now this

torpedo toito whoa easy Norbert now this alonia it's not in America right your

alonia it's not in America right your guess is as good as mine possibly better

guess is as good as mine possibly better because I try to make all my guesses

because I try to make all my guesses rhyme anyway we could grow these crap

rhyme anyway we could grow these crap berries in elbonia then bring them back

berries in elbonia then bring them back as an exotic Import Specialty food you

as an exotic Import Specialty food you know the kind you give to other people

know the kind you give to other people when you can't think of a real

when you can't think of a real gift huh a basket of Norwegian sour

mates I don't see why I have to go down to accounting to increase the travel

to accounting to increase the travel budget just for a trip to elbonia I know

budget just for a trip to elbonia I know it seems like a form of arbitrary

it seems like a form of arbitrary punishment but but what

uh who do I speak to about increasing my travel budget travel budget travel

travel budget travel budget travel budget who do you think you are I think

budget who do you think you are I think I'm someone traveling to elbonia on

I'm someone traveling to elbonia on business do you have any proof proof

business do you have any proof proof since when do we need proof to do our

since when do we need proof to do our jobs do you think we just give out money

jobs do you think we just give out money to anyone who asked for it do I look

to anyone who asked for it do I look like Santa Claus to you no you look like

like Santa Claus to you no you look like some sort of hideous creature thank you

some sort of hideous creature thank you because that's the look I'm going for

because that's the look I'm going for what if I just go on the trip and then

what if I just go on the trip and then submit carefully documented receipts

submit carefully documented receipts when I return and what if you never

when I return and what if you never return I'll leave explicit instructions

return I'll leave explicit instructions for the executor of my will to file my

for the executor of my will to file my receipts very

well sign here [Music]

I approve your request to use your personal airline miles to pay for this

personal airline miles to pay for this trip what you really should read the

trip what you really should read the fine

print it's nice having visitors [Music]

so where's all the famine let's ask excuse me can you direct us to the

ask excuse me can you direct us to the famine stricken parts of

famine stricken parts of elonia what is fam the food shortages

elonia what is fam the food shortages the hunger crisis I don't know what

the hunger crisis I don't know what you're talking about we have no hunger

you're talking about we have no hunger here I myself ate four meals already

here I myself ate four meals already today yes of mud have you tasted it no

today yes of mud have you tasted it no thanks hey chocolate not just chocolate

thanks hey chocolate not just chocolate nutritious nonfattening and obviously

nutritious nonfattening and obviously abandoned maybe this was a mistake

abandoned maybe this was a mistake they're eating mud w-e mud obviously

they're eating mud w-e mud obviously they're in denial um can you tell me

they're in denial um can you tell me where this picture was taken yes that is

where this picture was taken yes that is petrunic blast Domin the richest man in

petrunic blast Domin the richest man in elbonia his Mansion is one mile in that

elbonia his Mansion is one mile in that direction I think you're confused this

direction I think you're confused this is my foster child I send him 87 cents a

is my foster child I send him 87 cents a week yeah you and about a billion other

week yeah you and about a billion other people

isn't that a sight Wally the muddy Plains of elbonia being transformed into

Plains of elbonia being transformed into vibrant fields of Tomos yeah great uh

vibrant fields of Tomos yeah great uh can we go back to the hotel I don't feel

can we go back to the hotel I don't feel like I'm on a business trip until I poet

like I'm on a business trip until I poet the little

shampoos hey check it out it's a cornucopia salads soups meat fish

cornucopia salads soups meat fish poultry look at the footnote it says all

poultry look at the footnote it says all food is made out of elboni in mud I'm

food is made out of elboni in mud I'm not a fussy eater like you and in a late

not a fussy eater like you and in a late breaking story another 5,000 ethnic

breaking story another 5,000 ethnic elbonian decided to leave the country

elbonian decided to leave the country today since there is no difference

today since there is no difference between ethnic and non-ethnic elbonian

between ethnic and non-ethnic elbonian we have no idea why what else is on

we have no idea why what else is on let's see and welcome back to elbonian

let's see and welcome back to elbonian Monday Night Football here's the opening

[Applause] kickoff and that's the game final score

kickoff and that's the game final score elbonian mman zero elbonian chicken

elbonian mman zero elbonian chicken hawks zero that was exciting I had money

hawks zero that was exciting I had money on that

on that game coming up next elonian Baywatch

game coming up next elonian Baywatch Gilbert would you mind leaving for a

Gilbert would you mind leaving for a little while I have trouble watching

little while I have trouble watching Baywatch with someone else in the

Baywatch with someone else in the [Applause]

[Applause] room did you hear that yeah you really

room did you hear that yeah you really ought to stretch

ought to stretch more wow that was fast

more wow that was fast [Music]

experts are holding the Tomo responsible for plunging elbonia into the worst

for plunging elbonia into the worst famine ever it's the Tomo's fault it's a

famine ever it's the Tomo's fault it's a freak of nature meat and fruit who ever

freak of nature meat and fruit who ever heard of such a thing it has sucked all

heard of such a thing it has sucked all the nutritional value out of our

the nutritional value out of our delicious elbonian mud now it tastes

delicious elbonian mud now it tastes like

like mud it's inedible it smells bad although

mud it's inedible it smells bad although I do admit it Stacks nicely The elbonian

I do admit it Stacks nicely The elbonian Exodus has begun as hungry elbonian seek

Exodus has begun as hungry elbonian seek refuge in neighboring countries while

refuge in neighboring countries while starving elbonian Who Remain are

starving elbonian Who Remain are resorting to Desperate

Measures this is the most delicious Hotel I've ever eaten

Hotel I've ever eaten [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] we've got to find poor little petrunic

we've got to find poor little petrunic he must be so frightened and

he must be so frightened and helpless do you know where this picture

helpless do you know where this picture was

was taken

[Music] purists I love you

do you love me too yeah you got 5 minutes what do you

too yeah you got 5 minutes what do you want first of all you lied to me I

want first of all you lied to me I thought you were a starving child not an

thought you were a starving child not an elbonian fat cat although I must admit

elbonian fat cat although I must admit you've done an excellent job investing

you've done an excellent job investing my 87 cents per week thank you second I

my 87 cents per week thank you second I came here to help elbonia with the

came here to help elbonia with the Advent of the Tomato crop but it hasn't

Advent of the Tomato crop but it hasn't worked out that way instead of

worked out that way instead of stabilizing and stable country I've

stabilizing and stable country I've destabilized a stable one so like just

destabilized a stable one so like just the opposite yes so what do you want me

the opposite yes so what do you want me to do about it besides laugh huh well

to do about it besides laugh huh well admittedly the Tomato tastes like wet

admittedly the Tomato tastes like wet suede but it looks good and stacks well

suede but it looks good and stacks well so well as a food product it's a total

so well as a food product it's a total loser but think about it the Tomo would

loser but think about it the Tomo would make a great lightweight Building

make a great lightweight Building Material you could rebuild the

Material you could rebuild the infrastructure create employment

infrastructure create employment encourage trade and jump start the the

encourage trade and jump start the the economy but the Tomato isn't a building

economy but the Tomato isn't a building material let me taste

it it is now how much is this going to cost me you can underwrite the entire

cost me you can underwrite the entire reconstruction for a buck

reconstruction for a buck 35 so then I convinced petrunic that the

35 so then I convinced petrunic that the Tomato could be profitable as a building

Tomato could be profitable as a building material good work Wally when you get

material good work Wally when you get back remind me which one you are you got

back remind me which one you are you got it and remind me why you went over there

it and remind me why you went over there and what you did I will and while you're

and what you did I will and while you're at it maybe you can tell me who the hell

at it maybe you can tell me who the hell I am I'll see what I can do oh will I

I am I'll see what I can do oh will I get some sort of non-monetary award I'll

get some sort of non-monetary award I'll see what we have in the lost and

found you owe me big [Music]

[Music] time gee I wonder if these tomoes have

time gee I wonder if these tomoes have been kept in a temperature controlled

been kept in a temperature controlled Warehouse why

Warehouse why have you ever seen what happens to a

have you ever seen what happens to a dead camel in the sun those tomes are

dead camel in the sun those tomes are now half rancid meat and there's always

now half rancid meat and there's always the issue of the inherent fertilizer

the issue of the inherent fertilizer that I added what are you

saying it gives me great pleasure nothing disgusting or obscene in any way

nothing disgusting or obscene in any way but great pleasure nonetheless to

but great pleasure nonetheless to present Wally with this nonmonetary

present Wally with this nonmonetary award don't put it on w-e remember

award don't put it on w-e remember remember if the glove fits you must

remember if the glove fits you must quit am I the only one here who sees the

quit am I the only one here who sees the logic of that I'm not going to wear it

logic of that I'm not going to wear it aook I'm putting it in my awards trophy

aook I'm putting it in my awards trophy case with the tube sock and the oh I

case with the tube sock and the oh I guess it's just the two things it is my

guess it's just the two things it is my dream that someday I will win something

dream that someday I will win something from the lost and found box I've got my

from the lost and found box I've got my eye on a little black comb calm down

eye on a little black comb calm down everyone there are enough non-monetary

everyone there are enough non-monetary incentives for all of you

glove you think this is too ostentatious I mean it's a lot for one person it's

I mean it's a lot for one person it's fine look we have to do something about

fine look we have to do something about elbonia I don't know if I win another

elbonia I don't know if I win another award I'm afraid I'll lose my ability to

award I'm afraid I'll lose my ability to relate to the little people Wally I

relate to the little people Wally I uh-oh it's happening already I can't

uh-oh it's happening already I can't relate to

relate to you in the news elbonian strongman

you in the news elbonian strongman petrunic FL dominat has successfully

petrunic FL dominat has successfully used the threat of deploying longrange

used the threat of deploying longrange Tomo based weapons including the Tomo

Tomo based weapons including the Tomo bomb to extort neighboring countries

bomb to extort neighboring countries Just for kicks managing to jumpstart the

Just for kicks managing to jumpstart the once robust economy of nent superpower

once robust economy of nent superpower elbonia uh-oh didn't you win the Nobel

elbonia uh-oh didn't you win the Nobel glove for that one Oppenheimer no I

glove for that one Oppenheimer no I didn't nice job it's not a exactly what

didn't nice job it's not a exactly what I had in mind oh yes it is you wanted to

I had in mind oh yes it is you wanted to end Hunger in elbonia with tomito now

end Hunger in elbonia with tomito now that they're being used as Weapons you

that they're being used as Weapons you will congratulations I think you're a

will congratulations I think you're a strong candidate for the Congressional

strong candidate for the Congressional used handkerchief of Honor if we could

used handkerchief of Honor if we could only get them to eat the Tomo rather

only get them to eat the Tomo rather than use it as a weapon you are a

dreamer people of elbonia we must cease using the Tomo as a

using the Tomo as a weapon perhaps you misunderstood me I

weapon perhaps you misunderstood me I said the tomito was not designed and

said the tomito was not designed and should not be used as a weapon did you

should not be used as a weapon did you say the Tomo should not be used as a

say the Tomo should not be used as a weapon

weapon yes I think we need

yes I think we need backup drop the Dil Mom repeat drop the

backup drop the Dil Mom repeat drop the Dil mom

Dil mom [Music]

what can my mom do uh who has the longest track record in the world for

longest track record in the world for making people eat things that taste like

making people eat things that taste like crap good thinking it's time for cooking

crap good thinking it's time for cooking with Dilma here's your host Dilma today

with Dilma here's your host Dilma today we will prepare the succulent tomato I

we will prepare the succulent tomato I know I know it tastes like crap but hear

know I know it tastes like crap but hear me out a common error people make in the

me out a common error people make in the preparation of the tomato is in treating

preparation of the tomato is in treating it like a vegetable instead of what it

it like a vegetable instead of what it is half meat half tomato which

is half meat half tomato which incidentally is a fruit not a vegetable

incidentally is a fruit not a vegetable as with any meat you have to thoroughly

as with any meat you have to thoroughly disguise it before anyone will want to

disguise it before anyone will want to eat it first you slice it then you burn

eat it first you slice it then you burn it over a fire until you can't tell what

it over a fire until you can't tell what it was originally what about the taste

it was originally what about the taste The Taste comes from the seasonings does

The Taste comes from the seasonings does anyone have ketchup

[Music] it is delicious it tastes like ketchup

it is delicious it tastes like ketchup this is very impressive but our alboni

this is very impressive but our alboni and mud hasn't been the same since

and mud hasn't been the same since Dilbert rendered it inedible with his

Dilbert rendered it inedible with his agricultural bondle that wouldn't be the

agricultural bondle that wouldn't be the first time does anyone have any vanilla

first time does anyone have any vanilla bean extract

it it is delicious let us lay down our Tomatoes of mass destruction and lift up

Tomatoes of mass destruction and lift up our Tomatoes of peace and plenty and

our Tomatoes of peace and plenty and return ourselves to the backward and

return ourselves to the backward and inconsequential country we once

inconsequential country we once [Applause]

[Applause] were it worked

were it worked yes I suppose you're off the hook

yes I suppose you're off the hook instead of being known as the father of

instead of being known as the father of the tomito bomb you'll return to your

the tomito bomb you'll return to your former status as an anonymous cubicle

former status as an anonymous cubicle dweller I'll take

dweller I'll take it she still has the magic I remember

it she still has the magic I remember one time she convinced me to eat a whole

one time she convinced me to eat a whole can of Play-Doh that wasn't her that was

can of Play-Doh that wasn't her that was me no I remember distinctly she called

me no I remember distinctly she called from the pay phone and said dinner would

from the pay phone and said dinner would be late so I should start in on the

be late so I should start in on the Play-Doh did it sound like this dillbert

Play-Doh did it sound like this dillbert I'll be home late why don't you see how

I'll be home late why don't you see how much Play-Doh you can

eat as luck would have it we found another glove to give out as a

another glove to give out as a non-monetary award this one goes to loud

non-monetary award this one goes to loud Howard oh yes that glove will go

Howard oh yes that glove will go perfectly with my

perfectly with my other

other oh and last but not least yet far from

oh and last but not least yet far from most somewhere in the lower middle range

most somewhere in the lower middle range we have for Dilbert a lovely baggie that

we have for Dilbert a lovely baggie that once held a

sandwich thank you you know it's funny on the inside of

you you know it's funny on the inside of my trophy case a sock and a glove while

my trophy case a sock and a glove while on the outside this rag destined to

on the outside this rag destined to clean the dust from the other objects

clean the dust from the other objects huh there's such a fine line between

huh there's such a fine line between dust rag and valuable trophy at least at

dust rag and valuable trophy at least at least my award wasn't on someone's

least my award wasn't on someone's smelly foot are you saying your one

smelly foot are you saying your one non-monetary award is better than my two

non-monetary award is better than my two non-monetary awards no I'm not saying

non-monetary awards no I'm not saying that good I'm saying it's better than

that good I'm saying it's better than the

the sock you take that

back those non-monetary incentives really get their energy up I must

really get their energy up I must remember to get one of myself this came

remember to get one of myself this came for you

for you [Music]

[Music] W I love you

Dilbert so good to see you you simply must disturb us more

must disturb us more often actually I'm trying to sleep which

often actually I'm trying to sleep which is what normal people do at 3:00 in the

is what normal people do at 3:00 in the morning normal people oh how Dreadful

morning normal people oh how Dreadful which brings me to my point your wind

which brings me to my point your wind chimes are making so much noise I can't

chimes are making so much noise I can't go to sleep ah we got those on a trip to

go to sleep ah we got those on a trip to the Congo it was the Canary Islands dear

the Congo it was the Canary Islands dear well I didn't see any canaries but they

well I didn't see any canaries but they could have been hiding they'll do

could have been hiding they'll do that it doesn't matter where you got

that it doesn't matter where you got them can you please keep the noise down

them can you please keep the noise down well it's not us dear it's the wind you

well it's not us dear it's the wind you can't own the wind son I learned that in

can't own the wind son I learned that in the aie outback look I'm begging you all

the aie outback look I'm begging you all day long I have to listen to my

day long I have to listen to my pointy-haired boss my yammering

pointy-haired boss my yammering co-workers the traffic the phone ringing

co-workers the traffic the phone ringing and my computer beeping at me but

and my computer beeping at me but knowing I can return to the quiet of my

knowing I can return to the quiet of my home that little bit of comfort allows

home that little bit of comfort allows me to cling to my sanity it's my

me to cling to my sanity it's my Fortress of Solitude I thought only

Fortress of Solitude I thought only Superman had a Fortress of Solitude are

Superman had a Fortress of Solitude are you comparing yourself to Superman

you comparing yourself to Superman rather cheeky I should think please the

rather cheeky I should think please the Windchimes would you take them down yes

Windchimes would you take them down yes yes we'll take care of it we always

yes we'll take care of it we always comply with our neighbors especially the

comply with our neighbors especially the ones who have superpowers

did you see thank you

what is it now is the Moonlight bouncing off our house and hurting you in some

off our house and hurting you in some way you're playing conga drums and

way you're playing conga drums and singing at 3:15 in the morning it seems

singing at 3:15 in the morning it seems the list of things you don't like is

the list of things you don't like is growing by the minute please could you

growing by the minute please could you keep the noise down for three more hours

keep the noise down for three more hours that's all I

ask look ly it's the item we purchased in Zimbabwe

in Zimbabwe I thought it would never

[Music] come well that means he's got to

go hey hey get him away from my lawn stop it shoot he is a nervous fellow yes

stop it shoot he is a nervous fellow yes he should try to get more sleep oh

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] [ __ ]

[ __ ] [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

what does the tree lovers Society expect from its lawsuit big companies have been

from its lawsuit big companies have been hurting our trees for too long we want

hurting our trees for too long we want to show the world that trees have

to show the world that trees have feelings to are you a nut if so what

feelings to are you a nut if so what kind are you I am not a nut I am a man

kind are you I am not a nut I am a man who loves trees I love them in every way

who loves trees I love them in every way a man can love W would you mind

a man can love W would you mind handcuffing yourself to a tree when my

handcuffing yourself to a tree when my photographer gets here that's original

photographer gets here that's original there is nothing wrong with the classics

there is nothing wrong with the classics what have you got I interviewed an owl

what have you got I interviewed an owl people wo little more attention up here

people wo little more attention up here please what matters is that the big

please what matters is that the big corporations who hurt our trees Must Be

corporations who hurt our trees Must Be Stopped long L the trees that's the man

Stopped long L the trees that's the man who's suing us Elmer Oakley the

who's suing us Elmer Oakley the president of the tree lovers Society why

president of the tree lovers Society why is he mad at us we don't harm any trees

is he mad at us we don't harm any trees actually we do thanks to Alice it wasn't

actually we do thanks to Alice it wasn't my fault will'll be the judge of that it

my fault will'll be the judge of that it all started with benchmarking

all started with benchmarking benchmarking is that even a word

benchmarking is that even a word benchmarking is when you study

benchmarking is when you study world-class companies to learn the

world-class companies to learn the processes that make them successful then

processes that make them successful then you try to duplicate those processes

you try to duplicate those processes using less intelligent employees so you

using less intelligent employees so you try to blatantly copy another company's

try to blatantly copy another company's success knowing fully that you can't do

success knowing fully that you can't do it as well he's a tech isn't he in this

it as well he's a tech isn't he in this case I studied a company that makes

case I studied a company that makes Paper I found out they have great

Paper I found out they have great training programs fully automated

training programs fully automated systems and Excellent Man agement and

systems and Excellent Man agement and they completely raped the forest don't

they completely raped the forest don't forget that just laid waste to it so

forget that just laid waste to it so naturally we had to completely rape a

naturally we had to completely rape a farest too apparently this damn tree

farest too apparently this damn tree lover Society was somehow offended only

lover Society was somehow offended only another 10 hours and I'll be home

another 10 hours and I'll be home Delbert Delbert yes that's better for a

Delbert Delbert yes that's better for a moment it looked like you weren't

moment it looked like you weren't suffering what shall we do about the

suffering what shall we do about the tree lover Society why don't we have a

tree lover Society why don't we have a meeting I think this is a meeting loud

meeting I think this is a meeting loud Howard is on to something I'm not on

Howard is on to something I'm not on anything I'm always like this I mean

anything I'm always like this I mean your idea to have an off-site meeting

your idea to have an off-site meeting and invite the tree lover Society to

and invite the tree lover Society to work out a compromise he didn't say that

work out a compromise he didn't say that it was

it was implied Qui I'm trying to think

oh that won't work well use Dilbert's house why my house because it's the

house why my house because it's the nearest one to my house without actually

nearest one to my house without actually being my house we can Trash your place

being my house we can Trash your place until rush hour and I'll still be home

until rush hour and I'll still be home in 10 minutes your logic escapes me well

in 10 minutes your logic escapes me well you better go catch it I don't see why I

you better go catch it I don't see why I should suffer I had nothing to do with

should suffer I had nothing to do with this tree lover situation Dilbert do you

this tree lover situation Dilbert do you realize that the letter i I and the word

realize that the letter i I and the word I are one and the same yes good I think

I are one and the same yes good I think I've made my point now who's handling

I've made my point now who's handling the refreshments Alice will why because

the refreshments Alice will why because I'm the only woman in the group i' to

I'm the only woman in the group i' to refute the logic of that let me

try apparently I'll be in charge of the refreshments Alice I want you to

refreshments Alice I want you to organize the Icebreaker games I love

organize the Icebreaker games I love Shoots and Ladders I think I'd prefer

Shoots and Ladders I think I'd prefer Russian Roulette American games

only you better do more than dust if your co-workers are coming over here for

your co-workers are coming over here for a meeting that's all this house needs my

a meeting that's all this house needs my program of ongoing tidiness pays big

program of ongoing tidiness pays big dividends in these

dividends in these situations your co-workers are going to

situations your co-workers are going to see you in your natural habitat so

see you in your natural habitat so they'll form lasting opinions based on

they'll form lasting opinions based on your possessions opinions that will

your possessions opinions that will influence your career for years to come

influence your career for years to come what do I care what others might think

what do I care what others might think I'm not like what you have no athletic

I'm not like what you have no athletic trophies on display it says you're a

trophies on display it says you're a loser if I had trophies on display

loser if I had trophies on display wouldn't it say I was a bragger yes but

wouldn't it say I was a bragger yes but if anyone asked you about the trophies

if anyone asked you about the trophies you could say you were lucky then I

you could say you were lucky then I would be a lying brager and that's still

would be a lying brager and that's still better than being a loser I'll buy you

better than being a loser I'll buy you some trophies at the trophy store no

some trophies at the trophy store no bowling trophies oh perish the thought

bowling trophies oh perish the thought uh and the magazines you'll have to

uh and the magazines you'll have to replace them what's wrong with my

replace them what's wrong with my reading material needle point is not the

reading material needle point is not the exclusive domain of women you know it

exclusive domain of women you know it happens to be both challenging and

happens to be both challenging and creative I'm not going to comment I'll

creative I'm not going to comment I'll just look at you until you agree with

just look at you until you agree with me that won't work because I'm right and

me that won't work because I'm right and I know I'm right you might not think I'm

I know I'm right you might not think I'm right and no one else might think I'm

right and no one else might think I'm right but I'm

right but I'm right okay you made your point I'll stop

right okay you made your point I'll stop at the new stand is that all you'll have

at the new stand is that all you'll have to Stage the refrigerator lose the

to Stage the refrigerator lose the cheesecake and get some broccoli it

cheesecake and get some broccoli it shows you have self-control but

shows you have self-control but I oh all right I'll go get some fake

I oh all right I'll go get some fake food change the station on your stereo

food change the station on your stereo and TV to something educational and take

and TV to something educational and take the hair out of your soap in the shower

the hair out of your soap in the shower that hair is

why do I have to live by the only people in the world who have a pet

in the world who have a pet [Music]

[Music] elephant your elephant is ruining my

elephant your elephant is ruining my backyard are you sure that's our

backyard are you sure that's our elephant how many people on this street

elephant how many people on this street have an elephant if you don't have that

have an elephant if you don't have that information how can you be certain it's

information how can you be certain it's our you're rather jumping to conclusions

our you're rather jumping to conclusions my good man just look out your back

my good man just look out your back window and see if your elephant is there

window and see if your elephant is there oh very

[Music] well our elephant is in our backyard you

well our elephant is in our backyard you must be mistaken he just ran back there

must be mistaken he just ran back there when you put the phone down look at the

when you put the phone down look at the path of Destruction between your house

path of Destruction between your house and my

and my backyard do you see a path of

backyard do you see a path of Destruction I can't say that I do dear

Destruction I can't say that I do dear no nothing like that over here you are

no nothing like that over here you are disturbing the sanctity of my home all I

disturbing the sanctity of my home all I ask is to be left alone at home a man's

ask is to be left alone at home a man's home is his castle oh we're a king now

home is his castle oh we're a king now are

are we very good I guess he grew weary of

we very good I guess he grew weary of being the man of

being the man of [Laughter]

[Laughter] steel that's it I'm getting dog birt ooh

steel that's it I'm getting dog birt ooh he's getting dog birt I'm so afraid

he's getting dog birt I'm so afraid [Laughter]

[Laughter] dogbert dogbert how may I be of

dogbert dogbert how may I be of service you can tell me where dogbert is

service you can tell me where dogbert is he left early this morning something

he left early this morning something about installing a puppet government

about installing a puppet government he's always installing a puppet

he's always installing a puppet government when I need

him what the what is all this we call it

the what is all this we call it construction I know what it

construction I know what it is I don't think you do why are you on

is I don't think you do why are you on my lawn we're building a pen for your

my lawn we're building a pen for your neighbor's pet elephant I'm all for that

neighbor's pet elephant I'm all for that but why are you on my lawn it's okay the

but why are you on my lawn it's okay the pier ponts gave us permission they can't

pier ponts gave us permission they can't give you permission to wreck my lawn

give you permission to wreck my lawn they only gave us permission to use your

they only gave us permission to use your lawn the wrecking part was all us this

lawn the wrecking part was all us this is outrageous I want all this stuff off

is outrageous I want all this stuff off my lawn by 2:00 my co-workers are coming

my lawn by 2:00 my co-workers are coming over here for an off-site meeting this

over here for an off-site meeting this will be very embarrassing more

will be very embarrassing more embarrassing than your needle point

embarrassing than your needle point magazines how do you know about them you

magazines how do you know about them you look like a man with a eclectic tastes

look like a man with a eclectic tastes and I don't mean that in a good

and I don't mean that in a good way that's it I'm an easygoing guy but

way that's it I'm an easygoing guy but I've been pushed to the breaking point

I've been pushed to the breaking point and when I reach that point look out hey

and when I reach that point look out hey hey

who you might want to put some cones around this open trench

dber chap can't talk now we're off for a two we vacation we didn't want to be

two we vacation we didn't want to be here when all the construction was going

here when all the construction was going on it could be so disruptive could you

on it could be so disruptive could you tell the workers to get off my lawn

tell the workers to get off my lawn please yes we'll call them from the car

please yes we'll call them from the car using our cell phone but if for some

using our cell phone but if for some reason you don't call them from the car

reason you don't call them from the car then there's nothing I can do about got

then there's nothing I can do about got it very good Chop

Chop Elmer Elmer Oakley president of the tree lover

Society I didn't know how old she was she lied about her number of rings I say

she lied about her number of rings I say don't judge a man until you walk a mile

don't judge a man until you walk a mile in his shoes so let's change

in his shoes so let's change shoes I think I'll get the best of that

exchange I've come from the big company you're suing to take you to an off-site

you're suing to take you to an off-site meeting do you know what an off-site

meeting do you know what an off-site meeting is Elmer wait don't tell me is

meeting is Elmer wait don't tell me is it like a meeting that's not on site oh

it like a meeting that's not on site oh you've got a lot on the balls son what

you've got a lot on the balls son what do you say we go to that meeting you and

do you say we go to that meeting you and me you in my shoes me in yours and see

me you in my shoes me in yours and see if we can't convince you to drop this

if we can't convince you to drop this cockeyed lawsuit huh although off the

cockeyed lawsuit huh although off the Record if I was you I'd sue for 10 times

Record if I was you I'd sue for 10 times as

as much ah beautiful home if I can just get

much ah beautiful home if I can just get through the off-site meeting I will have

through the off-site meeting I will have my little Sanctuary back

my little Sanctuary back [Music]

dog bird where are you I need a little help here he's not here he said

help here he's not here he said something about looting National

something about looting National Treasures when's he getting back I don't

Treasures when's he getting back I don't have the answer to that question so

have the answer to that question so instead I offer you this dance get the

instead I offer you this dance get the the die my co-workers will be here any

the die my co-workers will be here any minute I have an elephant on my roof my

minute I have an elephant on my roof my lawn has been trashed and now I have a

lawn has been trashed and now I have a dancing rat I don't see how this could

dancing rat I don't see how this could be worse you'll like Dilbert's house

be worse you'll like Dilbert's house there's almost no wood in it

[Music] sap what's wrong with you why are you

sap what's wrong with you why are you driving this way this is the way I drive

driving this way this is the way I drive it is most annoying everyone has their

it is most annoying everyone has their own driving style this is mine you're

own driving style this is mine you're doing this so we'll never ask you to

doing this so we'll never ask you to drive again it's all perfectly

drive again it's all perfectly legal here it is Dilbert's

legal here it is Dilbert's house it has more wood than I remember

W well well let's see what Dilbert reads at

at home what's this Dilbert doesn't have

home what's this Dilbert doesn't have good

good taste let's see what station Dilbert was

taste let's see what station Dilbert was watching

watching last and now another Masterpiece

last and now another Masterpiece involving British people with no

involving British people with no emotional depth

emotional depth educational television Dilbert watches

educational television Dilbert watches educational television I had no idea

educational television I had no idea that Dilbert was such an accomplished

that Dilbert was such an accomplished Sportsman he never speaks of it oh those

Sportsman he never speaks of it oh those I just got

lucky huh it's broccoli nothing but broccoli

huh it's broccoli nothing but broccoli broccoli something is very wrong here

broccoli something is very wrong here Wall-E check his soap I'm on

Wall-E check his soap I'm on it it's it's been trimmed possibly

it it's it's been trimmed possibly blowdried

blowdried I knew it this place has been staged

I knew it this place has been staged staged we've been had uh were we going

staged we've been had uh were we going to have a

to have a meeting right the meeting let's start

meeting right the meeting let's start with the refreshments Wally what did you

with the refreshments Wally what did you bring I did a survey and found that

bring I did a survey and found that everyone wanted hot dogs I'm a

everyone wanted hot dogs I'm a vegetarian it's too late to cast your

vegetarian it's too late to cast your vote hot dogs it is where are they well

vote hot dogs it is where are they well the survey was phase one I'm hoping to

the survey was phase one I'm hoping to get to phase two sometime in the next

get to phase two sometime in the next quarter I guess we can go directly to

quarter I guess we can go directly to the Icebreaker phase of the meeting

the Icebreaker phase of the meeting everyone grab a paint gun we're playing

everyone grab a paint gun we're playing street rules are your meetings always

street rules are your meetings always like this not always one time we had hot

like this not always one time we had hot dogs

dogs [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

ow that paint washes off right yeah yeah

yeah there's your consensus you tree loving

loving freak nice going Dilbert this is the

freak nice going Dilbert this is the last time I let you talk me into having

last time I let you talk me into having an off-site meeting at your

an off-site meeting at your house I'll sue your tree killing company

house I'll sue your tree killing company into sawdust but not before I win this

into sawdust but not before I win this icebreaker

icebreaker game hey this should work no not the

game hey this should work no not the elephant

my house you destroyed my Fortress of Solitude as it turns out it wasn't much

Solitude as it turns out it wasn't much of a fortress I don't know about anyone

of a fortress I don't know about anyone else but that really worked up my

appetite oh yeah that's right I have destroyed your Hub and I shall destroy

destroyed your Hub and I shall destroy your company in court

dog bird has returned it just turned into a bad day

returned it just turned into a bad day to be you I'm not afraid of some little

dog never [Music]

[Music] mind

mind explanation and then Elmer hit the

explanation and then Elmer hit the elephant and the whole thing collapsed

elephant and the whole thing collapsed and you want me to fix everything I

and you want me to fix everything I believe that is outside of even your

believe that is outside of even your powers Mr

dogbert I'm sorry it seems you have four problems here one dead elephant two

problems here one dead elephant two Wally forgot the food three wood for

Wally forgot the food three wood for brains here is suing your company and

brains here is suing your company and four the house has been destroyed he's

four the house has been destroyed he's good we can solve problems one and two

good we can solve problems one and two by barbecuing the the elephant over the

by barbecuing the the elephant over the lumber that

lumber that sounds as for the wood aile here you do

sounds as for the wood aile here you do know you've slain an endangered species

know you've slain an endangered species that's right he has and we all saw it uh

that's right he has and we all saw it uh never mind about the lawsuit forgive and

never mind about the lawsuit forgive and forget that's my motto that's three

forget that's my motto that's three problems out of four cell

phone hello is this the construction firm that did the pier Pont job this

firm that did the pier Pont job this morning this is Mr Pier Pont I want you

morning this is Mr Pier Pont I want you to remove the wreckage next to my house

to remove the wreckage next to my house and move my entire house into the lot

and move my entire house into the lot throw away all the possessions inside

throw away all the possessions inside and change the locks I lost a lot of

and change the locks I lost a lot of computer equipment I get the insurance

computer equipment I get the insurance adjuster here in the morning it was time

adjuster here in the morning it was time to upgrade anyway start tomorrow

to upgrade anyway start tomorrow afternoon you have 2 weeks until I

afternoon you have 2 weeks until I return from

return from vacation I shall now start the paperwork

vacation I shall now start the paperwork to make you a

this might be some of your best work you're lucky these houses all look

you're lucky these houses all look alike we found this in the wreckage you

alike we found this in the wreckage you want

want it yes thank you

it yes thank you freak I wonder what the peer ponts will

freak I wonder what the peer ponts will think when they get back I took care of

think when they get back I took care of that too uh ladies and gentlemen I've

that too uh ladies and gentlemen I've been asked to make a public service

been asked to make a public service announcement be sure to unplug your

announcement be sure to unplug your curling iron before taking long

curling iron before taking long vacations lovey did you unplug your

vacations lovey did you unplug your curler I'm not sure sure because if you

curler I'm not sure sure because if you don't your house might disappear along

don't your house might disappear along with your pet

with your pet elephant and uh announcement number two

elephant and uh announcement number two does anyone know how to land this thing

does anyone know how to land this thing [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

who has that much fun what kind of idiot can have that much fun is he oblivious

can have that much fun is he oblivious or just plain stupid you know I have

or just plain stupid you know I have excellent hearing you can speak much

excellent hearing you can speak much much lower hey wait a minute that's

much lower hey wait a minute that's Gerald my old work colleague now it all

Gerald my old work colleague now it all makes sense he is an idiot well well if

makes sense he is an idiot well well if it is my old coworker Dilbert hey old

it is my old coworker Dilbert hey old buddy how they hanging I'd rather not

buddy how they hanging I'd rather not answer that suit yourself I haven't seen

answer that suit yourself I haven't seen you since you got fired for gross

you since you got fired for gross incompetence well as you can see

incompetence well as you can see incompetence is paying very well these

incompetence is paying very well these days

[Music] I'm revving too you just can't hear it

I'm revving too you just can't hear it because it's an electric car yeah mine's

because it's an electric car yeah mine's not you seem to be doing very well what

not you seem to be doing very well what kind of drugs are you dealing oh I'm

kind of drugs are you dealing oh I'm still an engineer just like you ouch you

still an engineer just like you ouch you are it's too bad you stayed at your

are it's too bad you stayed at your company instead of trying the open

company instead of trying the open market for engineers we're quite in

market for engineers we're quite in demand as you can see and

demand as you can see and hear I'm revving again and my new job I

hear I'm revving again and my new job I I've made millions in stock options it's

I've made millions in stock options it's casual day every day beer blasts on

casual day every day beer blasts on Fridays I get free massages at my desk a

Fridays I get free massages at my desk a mahogany desk which happens to be in a

mahogany desk which happens to be in a private

office come on turn already eat my dust Turtle Boy

[Music] you can pull into the intersection no

you can pull into the intersection no cops for Miles you can't violate the law

cops for Miles you can't violate the law just because you know you won't get

just because you know you won't get caught trust me that's the best

mommy Down Periscope the weird thing is that I'm

Periscope the weird thing is that I'm jealous of him and yet I hate him which

jealous of him and yet I hate him which means if I became like him I would hate

means if I became like him I would hate myself logically then I must want to

myself logically then I must want to hate myself I'll make the engine noise

hate myself I'll make the engine noise if you just shut up and drive deal r

if you just shut up and drive deal r r do you think I'm a loser because I

r do you think I'm a loser because I stay with my company yes it's just that

stay with my company yes it's just that one reason thank you I think engine yeah

one reason thank you I think engine yeah sorry r v v

[Music] go

go CH

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] go hey

go hey [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

so just because he's got millions in stock options and lives a life of wealth

stock options and lives a life of wealth an opulence essentially doing the same

an opulence essentially doing the same job I do doesn't mean he's happy and

job I do doesn't mean he's happy and even if he is happy is that the goal

even if he is happy is that the goal good point touche now get

out I come here every day because I'm challenged by my job I find a sense of

challenged by my job I find a sense of fulfillment that no material object

fulfillment that no material object could ever don't wait

could ever don't wait up I can never make it do that hey be

up I can never make it do that hey be careful with the car

I ran into Gerald our old coworker yesterday the only person ever to be

yesterday the only person ever to be fired from this company for incompetence

fired from this company for incompetence he's working for some other company

he's working for some other company now what's that it is an old sponge on

now what's that it is an old sponge on my salary as an intern I cannot afford

my salary as an intern I cannot afford to waste anything I didn't know a person

to waste anything I didn't know a person could live on sponges this one has

could live on sponges this one has absorbed many food related stains it

absorbed many food related stains it would be a shame to throw it away

as I was saying Gerald is making a fortune working for this other

company dishwater from last night it makes a delicious

beverage so I'm wondering if we're missing the boat by staying at this

missing the boat by staying at this company excuse me

company excuse me [Music]

[Music] according to Gerald Engineers are worth

according to Gerald Engineers are worth a lot of money now we could leave this

a lot of money now we could leave this place and be treated like rock stars I

place and be treated like rock stars I don't know who this Gerald fellow is but

don't know who this Gerald fellow is but there are no engineering jobs outside

there are no engineering jobs outside this company none zero Zippo Zoro mulch

this company none zero Zippo Zoro mulch you lost me on Zoro you've never heard

you lost me on Zoro you've never heard of Zoro not in this context you ought to

of Zoro not in this context you ought to try reading a book once in a while I

try reading a book once in a while I think you're lying all right you got me

think you're lying all right you got me I've never read a book either I also

I've never read a book either I also have no idea who Zoro is no I mean about

have no idea who Zoro is no I mean about the engineering jobs really how can you

the engineering jobs really how can you tell when you lie you're

bald as I was saying there are no other engineering jobs anywhere may I ask why

engineering jobs anywhere may I ask why you're wearing a lobster Bib and why

you're wearing a lobster Bib and why don't we ever see managers eating in the

don't we ever see managers eating in the cafeteria where do you go to eat

cafeteria where do you go to eat managers don't

eat come on on work with me I think the managers have some sort of secret

managers have some sort of secret executive dining room that is the most

executive dining room that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever if you an

ridiculous thing I have ever if you an executive dining room get a load well I

[Music] never sorry wrong vending machine

you're late were you followed they don't suspect a thing good but there's been a

suspect a thing good but there's been a breach in security the engineers found

breach in security the engineers found out they can get jobs at other companies

out they can get jobs at other companies how could that happen Brewster we still

how could that happen Brewster we still control the media don't we yes thanks to

control the media don't we yes thanks to our generous advertising budget and we

our generous advertising budget and we know the engineers have no friends to

know the engineers have no friends to tell them of the outside

tell them of the outside world I overheard them say it came from

world I overheard them say it came from someone named Gerald last name I didn't

someone named Gerald last name I didn't catch

it have everyone named Gerald killed immediately is that Gerald with a G or

immediately is that Gerald with a G or Gerald with a J can you just kill them

Gerald with a J can you just kill them all phonetically right away

all phonetically right away [Applause]

[Applause] sir I have the same problem with clams

sir I have the same problem with clams by the time I eat a dozen of those

by the time I eat a dozen of those little guys I'm exhausted you have

little guys I'm exhausted you have trouble opening the shells what what

trouble opening the shells what what what clams have shells okay people first

what clams have shells okay people first order of business the JFK assassination

order of business the JFK assassination do we have a status report as you know

do we have a status report as you know our marketing stunt in November of 63

our marketing stunt in November of 63 wherein we assassinated President

wherein we assassinated President Kennedy to bring attention to our line

Kennedy to bring attention to our line of pillbox hats has continued to have

of pillbox hats has continued to have unforeseen repercussions repercussions

unforeseen repercussions repercussions you say you know I play the drums oh

you say you know I play the drums oh really you do well it's not so much

really you do well it's not so much playing as it is hitting them with a

playing as it is hitting them with a stick at least that's what I would do if

stick at least that's what I would do if I had drums that's what they're for you

I had drums that's what they're for you know you know sometimes I think it might

know you know sometimes I think it might be wrong to manipulate world events just

be wrong to manipulate world events just to sell women's

hats but seriously what about this problem with the engineers we have

problem with the engineers we have reports of head hunters with lucrative

reports of head hunters with lucrative job offers getting through the radar

yes hello phone number 55501 72 are you or anyone you know an engineer I'm an

engineer I'm an executive recruiter did you know that as an engineer you can get

you know that as an engineer you can get a better job at another company with

a better job at another company with your own personal climbing wall

your own personal climbing wall complimentary taichi classes and

complimentary taichi classes and unlimited cappuccino and I can get

unlimited cappuccino and I can get $20,000 for making this phone call our

$20,000 for making this phone call our company newsletter says there are no

company newsletter says there are no jobs at other companies if if we leave

jobs at other companies if if we leave here we'll die a slow and horrible death

here we'll die a slow and horrible death it's all described in this

it's all described in this sidebar no no they're just saying that

sidebar no no they're just saying that we have a security breach it's a head

we have a security breach it's a head hunter I'm tracing his call got him

hunter I'm tracing his call got him dispatch him in the usual way very good

sir hello hello H must have lost the connection yes but the damage is done

connection yes but the damage is done they've heard about the outside world

they've heard about the outside world maybe we could bribe them to stay you

maybe we could bribe them to stay you know give them one of those uh you know

know give them one of those uh you know what are those uh climbing walls no no

what are those uh climbing walls no no taichi classes no capino makers uh-uh

taichi classes no capino makers uh-uh increase in Pay yes that's

increase in Pay yes that's it I love guessing games hey what number

it I love guessing games hey what number am I thinking of no never mind it's a

am I thinking of no never mind it's a letter no no it's not that serious yet

letter no no it's not that serious yet that's absolutely a last ditch measure

that's absolutely a last ditch measure first let's try promoting one of the

first let's try promoting one of the engineers to management this will give

engineers to management this will give them all a false impression that they

them all a false impression that they have a career path with this company

have a career path with this company but who upon Whom Shall We bestow such a

but who upon Whom Shall We bestow such a lofty mantle what did he say he said

who this darn machine never works nobody ever fixes

it there's your new [Music]

[Music] manager should we give him the

Dilbert I've decided to promote you to management what why I didn't do anything

management what why I didn't do anything wrong at least nothing that you know

wrong at least nothing that you know about it's our way of showing the

about it's our way of showing the engineers that there is a career path at

engineers that there is a career path at this company no need to go sniffing

this company no need to go sniffing around on the outside I don't want to be

around on the outside I don't want to be a manager I'm trying to do something

a manager I'm trying to do something nice for you well stop it I don't like

nice for you well stop it I don't like it all right you drive a hard bargain I

it all right you drive a hard bargain I shouldn't do this but I'm assigning you

shouldn't do this but I'm assigning you an assistant how about that let's hear

an assistant how about that let's hear you squawk now I don't want an assistant

you squawk now I don't want an assistant I don't need an assistant I just want to

I don't need an assistant I just want to be an engineer think of it as a perk no

be an engineer think of it as a perk no need to thank me

need to thank me Alonso Delbert this is Alonso your new

Alonso Delbert this is Alonso your new assistant yeah can I take the rest of

assistant yeah can I take the rest of the week off I have

the week off I have allergies you just started ooh crack the

allergies you just started ooh crack the whip

old Zink I thought you were dead technically yeah but I need the money so

technically yeah but I need the money so I'll keep working I got the strangest

I'll keep working I got the strangest call today some guy claimed there are

call today some guy claimed there are jobs for engineers outside this company

jobs for engineers outside this company I think he was a nut oh there are

I think he was a nut oh there are engineering jobs outside this company

engineering jobs outside this company all right I seen them really those other

all right I seen them really those other companies they treat an engineer like a

companies they treat an engineer like a prize Pig I'd like to be treated like a

prize Pig I'd like to be treated like a prize Pig I've always wanted to wear a

prize Pig I've always wanted to wear a ribbon and

ribbon and but I don't think I could ever find

but I don't think I could ever find another company that didn't insist I

another company that didn't insist I actually

actually work I have a pretty good arrangement

work I have a pretty good arrangement here it doesn't hurt to try that hasn't

here it doesn't hurt to try that hasn't been my experience whenever I try it

been my experience whenever I try it hurts I know I know you got me that's

hurts I know I know you got me that's just something I say and you know what

just something I say and you know what else a watch pot does boil yeah I tried

else a watch pot does boil yeah I tried it maybe I should at least go to some

it maybe I should at least go to some interviews it'll be nice to have someone

interviews it'll be nice to have someone treat me with respect they whne and Dy

treat me with respect they whne and Dy you and tell you how one wonderful you

you and tell you how one wonderful you are then you can turn them down before

are then you can turn them down before they make you work wow it's like being a

they make you work wow it's like being a pretty woman I've almost wanted to be a

pretty woman I've almost wanted to be a pretty woman more than a price Pig you

pretty woman more than a price Pig you don't get it do

you don't look now but there's something following

following you that something is my new assistant I

you that something is my new assistant I forgot his name And So It Begins

forgot his name And So It Begins assistant Engineers don't have

assistant Engineers don't have assistants only managers have assistants

assistants only managers have assistants um I got promoted to management you

um I got promoted to management you did not Wall-E or me Wall-E all right I

did not Wall-E or me Wall-E all right I use Wally's name to camouflage my own

use Wally's name to camouflage my own selfish Ambitions you want to be

selfish Ambitions you want to be management I don't want you to be you

management I don't want you to be you try to boss me around and they'll have

try to boss me around and they'll have to remove that assistant from you with

to remove that assistant from you with forceps you got

me well looks like someone got promoted to management there but for the grace of

to management there but for the grace of God I don't see why he gets an assistant

God I don't see why he gets an assistant and we don't I thought you were my

and we don't I thought you were my assistant I am not your assistant I just

assistant I am not your assistant I just do all the work that you don't do

do all the work that you don't do because you're too lazy to do it and

because you're too lazy to do it and otherwise it wouldn't get done it's a

otherwise it wouldn't get done it's a fine line as God as my witness I will

fine line as God as my witness I will have an assistant someday well make sure

have an assistant someday well make sure you get a good one I don't want someone

you get a good one I don't want someone doing a bad job on your work that was

doing a bad job on your work that was originally my work w-e you're a real

originally my work w-e you're a real original but just for the heck of it

original but just for the heck of it let's see if we can make a copy

[Applause] guess not paper

guess not paper jam hey is it okay if I bring my piano

jam hey is it okay if I bring my piano to work no that is not okay well what if

to work no that is not okay well what if somebody else brings it in and I just

somebody else brings it in and I just play it how about that you're supposed

play it how about that you're supposed to be helping me not making my life a

to be helping me not making my life a burden with your annoying requests well

burden with your annoying requests well excuse me for not having a written job

excuse me for not having a written job description I believe that's your job to

description I believe that's your job to give me one you're my assistant how hard

give me one you're my assistant how hard is that to understand stand you assist

is that to understand stand you assist me if you told me to stick my head in a

me if you told me to stick my head in a pile of manure I wouldn't do that that

pile of manure I wouldn't do that that wouldn't be assisting me oh yes you're

wouldn't be assisting me oh yes you're right you're always right I'm just the

right you're always right I'm just the assistant okay what if a piano just sort

assistant okay what if a piano just sort of showed up would that be okay no

of showed up would that be okay no piano is this a bad time to talk about a

raise I want you to make a shook my assistant if I made a shook your

assistant if I made a shook your assistant it would destroy his tiny ego

assistant it would destroy his tiny ego so you'll do it I'll need more than that

so you'll do it I'll need more than that help me help you all right let's see it

help me help you all right let's see it would breed resentment throughout the

would breed resentment throughout the entire employee population uhhuh nice

entire employee population uhhuh nice you make a strong

you make a strong case are you thinking no I'm toying with

case are you thinking no I'm toying with you all right I'll do it on one

you all right I'll do it on one condition name it I have to be there to

condition name it I have to be there to hear him scream when you tell him deal

hear him scream when you tell him deal [Music]

hi I'm an engineer code blue I repeat code

engineer code blue I repeat code [Music]

[Music] blue yes company jet what else H did I

blue yes company jet what else H did I say llama yes did I say a company jet

say llama yes did I say a company jet for my llama would you consider sharing

for my llama would you consider sharing your company jet with your

your company jet with your llama share a jet with a llama that's

llama share a jet with a llama that's crazy talk I'm out of here I'm so sorry

crazy talk I'm out of here I'm so sorry yes yes jet for your llama stop moving

yes yes jet for your llama stop moving your head around so

your head around so much well the paperwork is done you're

much well the paperwork is done you're my assistant now what read and

my assistant now what read and weep show

weep show [Music]

no who wants to start the weekly status reports I will this week I discovered a

reports I will this week I discovered a glorious World outside this company a

glorious World outside this company a world where Engineers are treated like

world where Engineers are treated like Gods no you didn't yes I did despite

Gods no you didn't yes I did despite what you read in the company newsletter

what you read in the company newsletter Engineers are in high demand at other

Engineers are in high demand at other companies no they aren't I would have

companies no they aren't I would have taken another job but negotiations broke

taken another job but negotiations broke down over one point they expected you to

down over one point they expected you to work work exactly fortunately I was too

work work exactly fortunately I was too clever to fall for the old baiton switch

clever to fall for the old baiton switch but I kept the llama and what is your

but I kept the llama and what is your name again it's uh Alan

name again it's uh Alan Alan okay who's next I spent the entire

Alan okay who's next I spent the entire week trying to manage my new assistant

week trying to manage my new assistant Thursday for example was consumed by our

Thursday for example was consumed by our debate on how bad a haircut has to be

debate on how bad a haircut has to be before you can take a sick day to

before you can take a sick day to recover I contend it has to sever an

recover I contend it has to sever an artery I spent the week plotting to make

artery I spent the week plotting to make a shook my assistant my status does not

a shook my assistant my status does not matter I am only an

matter I am only an assistant so let me get this straight

assistant so let me get this straight none of you Dad blasted fliy jibbit did

none of you Dad blasted fliy jibbit did any work this week don't tell me you're

any work this week don't tell me you're jumping on that bandwagon too next week

jumping on that bandwagon too next week I'll get a lot done now that I have the

I'll get a lot done now that I have the best assistant in the department I don't

best assistant in the department I don't know about that my assistant is plenty

know about that my assistant is plenty capable your assistant is pathetic he is

capable your assistant is pathetic he is not pathetic my assistant can beat your

not pathetic my assistant can beat your assistant at anything anywhere just name

assistant at anything anywhere just name the time and place is this really a wise

the time and place is this really a wise idea what's have I tell you before

idea what's have I tell you before everything I do is a reflection on you

everything I do is a reflection on you maybe you'd like to have a little

maybe you'd like to have a little wager maybe I

wager maybe I [Music]

[Music] would two assistants go in but only one

would two assistants go in but only one comes up out

comes up out unmarked I'm afraid if you win this you

unmarked I'm afraid if you win this you can have the piano in the office I don't

can have the piano in the office I don't play you know the

rules you realize I never even wanted to have an assistant neither did I but I

have an assistant neither did I but I couldn't stand the thought of you

couldn't stand the thought of you getting a leg up on me I'm loathed to

getting a leg up on me I'm loathed to admit it but I felt the same way I guess

admit it but I felt the same way I guess we were both Pretty Petty I guess we

we were both Pretty Petty I guess we were oh well

begin I will Mark you so bad not if I Mark you

first but how do you like being a manager well I accomplished nothing

manager well I accomplished nothing except toying with the lives of innocent

except toying with the lives of innocent people for my own Amusement that's my

people for my own Amusement that's my favorite part too could I just go back

favorite part too could I just go back to being an engineer I think I've made

to being an engineer I think I've made my point that Engineers have a career

my point that Engineers have a career path there was a point to all this how

path there was a point to all this how about

about that you call yourself an assistant

that you call yourself an assistant you're fired go back to being an

you're fired go back to being an intern oh thank you I think we all

intern oh thank you I think we all learned a valuable lesson this week not

learned a valuable lesson this week not me I learned not to keep a llama in my

me I learned not to keep a llama in my cubicle you mean that new stench isn't

cubicle you mean that new stench isn't you no we learned that it's not perks or

you no we learned that it's not perks or promotions that keep us at our jobs it's

promotions that keep us at our jobs it's loyalty and love of our work the passion

loyalty and love of our work the passion that we as Engineers approach each day

that we as Engineers approach each day with Delbert Delbert uh yes I appreciate

with Delbert Delbert uh yes I appreciate your heartfelt sentiments and with that

your heartfelt sentiments and with that in mind I'm decreasing your pay cutting

in mind I'm decreasing your pay cutting your benefits and increasing your hours

your benefits and increasing your hours he everybody back to work that's exactly

he everybody back to work that's exactly my point I don't care I don't care I

my point I don't care I don't care I really don't

really don't [Music]

care we have another security problem this time an employee named

this time an employee named Allan I didn't catch the last

Allan I didn't catch the last name have everyone named alen killed

name have everyone named alen killed immediately right away

immediately right away sir wait a minute my name is

Alan did anyone else just lose their appetite absolutely not not me no me

appetite absolutely not not me no me neither

I'll faint interest and ask you what you're doing but my subtext will be I

you're doing but my subtext will be I don't really care I'm trying to buy a

don't really care I'm trying to buy a computer over the Internet so you're on

computer over the Internet so you're on the computer trying to buy a computer

the computer trying to buy a computer from essentially another computer and

from essentially another computer and your point is who needs you what are you

your point is who needs you what are you talking about isn't it obvious you're

talking about isn't it obvious you're letting the computers take over you're a

letting the computers take over you're a useless appendage doomed to atrophy and

useless appendage doomed to atrophy and finally disappear stop turning this into

finally disappear stop turning this into a science fiction story I'm just trying

a science fiction story I'm just trying to buy a computer Ah that's what they

to buy a computer Ah that's what they want you to think what you're really

want you to think what you're really doing is helping computers all around

doing is helping computers all around the world link up to form a colossal

the world link up to form a colossal super being once it achieves

super being once it achieves Consciousness I'd say the human race has

Consciousness I'd say the human race has pretty much served its purpose and I

pretty much served its purpose and I guess then the computers will try to get

guess then the computers will try to get rid of US ah don't worry I have a plan

rid of US ah don't worry I have a plan to save Humanity that's very Noble of

to save Humanity that's very Noble of you when I say save I mean as in I save

you when I say save I mean as in I save stamps or I save old bottles m

[Music] [Applause]

hey [Music]

[Music] oh

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

oh the 750a has a vector cooling system but the 750b has dynamic memory caching

but the 750b has dynamic memory caching and a modular back plane why must I be

and a modular back plane why must I be forced to choose can you live without

forced to choose can you live without those things I don't see how that's

those things I don't see how that's possible maybe I can order a custom

possible maybe I can order a custom design

design model one of

model one of these one of those can't live without

these one of those can't live without that oh now that's a home computer

that oh now that's a home computer system the other Engineers will be

system the other Engineers will be forced to B before me and it only costs

forced to B before me and it only costs what

what $27,000 the other Engineers won't even

$27,000 the other Engineers won't even know you have it they will if I have it

know you have it they will if I have it delivered to the office I'll give them

delivered to the office I'll give them some time to drool over it before I

some time to drool over it before I bring it

bring it home travel miles vacation miles phone

home travel miles vacation miles phone miles here it is medical miles I almost

miles here it is medical miles I almost have enough miles to get a free hernia

have enough miles to get a free hernia operation not necessarily when I need it

operation not necessarily when I need it but whenever they have the excess

but whenever they have the excess capacity still it's a good deal do you

capacity still it's a good deal do you ever worry about putting your credit

ever worry about putting your credit card information on the internet that is

card information on the internet that is the most ridiculous question I have ever

the most ridiculous question I have ever heard it is no riskier to use your

heard it is no riskier to use your credit card online than to use it in any

store uh make sure you sign the back thank you have a nice day I hear you

thank you have a nice day I hear you have excellent

have excellent rates it's got redundant rates drives 4

rates it's got redundant rates drives 4 terabits each 3 millisecond access time

terabits each 3 millisecond access time built-in DSL Wireless game ports flat

built-in DSL Wireless game ports flat panel 30-in monitor wow truly you have

panel 30-in monitor wow truly you have ordered the finest home computer known

ordered the finest home computer known to mankind well I don't know if it's the

to mankind well I don't know if it's the finest ever can I touch it if I wash my

finest ever can I touch it if I wash my hands first especially this one I'll

hands first especially this one I'll have to think about that that's all I

have to think about that that's all I ask and what are you going to name it

ask and what are you going to name it don't be silly come on what's its name

Bill excuse me don't worry I do the same thing almost every time I get in the

thing almost every time I get in the elevator I don't know if it's the motion

elevator I don't know if it's the motion or what I'm looking for someone named

or what I'm looking for someone named Dilbert sounds Vaguely Familiar I have a

Dilbert sounds Vaguely Familiar I have a package for him I'll sign for

it is the package complete and exactly what you ordered

right your name is Unice that's an alias I use when I go line dancing I didn't

I use when I go line dancing I didn't know you needed an alias to line dance

know you needed an alias to line dance you do when you kick as hard as I do

you do when you kick as hard as I do there's a big box by the elevators with

there's a big box by the elevators with your name on it why would an elevator

your name on it why would an elevator have my name on

have my name on it

it [Music]

ah you may use my house key to tear open the box it has very sharp teeth now we

the box it has very sharp teeth now we need the right tools for the job I once

need the right tools for the job I once killed a coyote with this

killed a coyote with this key it was very

key it was very small it might have been a potato I have

small it might have been a potato I have just the thing the T300 pocket knife the

just the thing the T300 pocket knife the T300 is old technology my friend gaze

T300 is old technology my friend gaze upon the T400

ow that doesn't look like the next generation of computing to me don't be

generation of computing to me don't be ridiculous of course it's that's not

ridiculous of course it's that's not what I ordered it's all

what I ordered it's all technology to think I once respected you

technology to think I once respected you now the notion fills me with

now the notion fills me with disgust oh where have all the cowboys

disgust oh where have all the cowboys gone indeed don't write me off yet this

gone indeed don't write me off yet this is clearly their mistake and they will

is clearly their mistake and they will ify it mark my

words if you would like to start over press 61 any luck I don't believe in

press 61 any luck I don't believe in luck that's good because if you did you

luck that's good because if you did you wouldn't have any you've been on hold

wouldn't have any you've been on hold for an hour I'm not on hold I'm waiting

for an hour I'm not on hold I'm waiting for the right menu choice if you want to

for the right menu choice if you want to speak to a live recording press

speak to a live recording press 63 if you want to speak with a

63 if you want to speak with a representative of Congress press 64 te's

representative of Congress press 64 te's no good choices yet number 46 was

no good choices yet number 46 was promising but I don't speak Mandarin and

promising but I don't speak Mandarin and I'm not inquiring about a tractor dang I

I'm not inquiring about a tractor dang I didn't hear that one that might have

didn't hear that one that might have been the one it's never the one you

been the one it's never the one you think it's the one but it's just the one

think it's the one but it's just the one that gives you more choices that aren't

that gives you more choices that aren't the one comp you comp can't hide from me

the one comp you comp can't hide from me forever I'll find a live person to talk

forever I'll find a live person to talk to what if they don't have any live

to what if they don't have any live people they have to have people not

people they have to have people not necessarily they could automate the

necessarily they could automate the ordering and billing systems and

ordering and billing systems and Outsource all of the manufacturing

Outsource all of the manufacturing functions are you trying to tell me that

functions are you trying to tell me that the world has already been taken over by

the world has already been taken over by computers and we just don't know it

computers and we just don't know it let's examine the evidence so far you've

let's examine the evidence so far you've ordered a computer on a computer from a

ordered a computer on a computer from a computer and now you're listening to a

computer and now you're listening to a computer where are the humans show me

computer where are the humans show me the humans sleep me I see no humans in

the humans sleep me I see no humans in this process well that's just crazy wait

this process well that's just crazy wait this might be it if you would like to

this might be it if you would like to speak with an unmotivated employee of a

speak with an unmotivated employee of a fulfillment house that we pay to take

fulfillment house that we pay to take your calls press 74 aha

thank you for calling uh Compu comp or is perhaps compa comp I believe it's

is perhaps compa comp I believe it's comp you comp yeah then what are you

comp you comp yeah then what are you calling me for if you know so much

calling me for if you know so much before I get to that first of all may I

before I get to that first of all may I have your name that way they know

have your name that way they know they're

they're accountable uh my name is

accountable uh my name is uh hold them hold hold them uh C Fielder

uh hold them hold hold them uh C Fielder aha yes well then Mr C Fielder I'm sure

aha yes well then Mr C Fielder I'm sure you want to make your customer satisfied

you want to make your customer satisfied don't you yeah it's all I live for that

don't you yeah it's all I live for that my minimum wage and the hope that global

my minimum wage and the hope that global warming kills all the rich people first

warming kills all the rich people first I'll take that as a yes anyway I would

I'll take that as a yes anyway I would like to return the computer you sent me

like to return the computer you sent me and get the correct

model well according to our records a Unice says the computer was the right

Unice says the computer was the right one I don't know any Unice I used to

one I don't know any Unice I used to line dance for the Unice so the day she

line dance for the Unice so the day she showed up wearing steel tote boots right

showed up wearing steel tote boots right well the point is you owe me a new

well the point is you owe me a new computer I'm not authorized to approve

computer I'm not authorized to approve that then I'd like to speak with your

that then I'd like to speak with your supervisor all right I'm getting a

supervisor all right I'm getting a supervisor I'm moving up the

supervisor I'm moving up the chain hello this is a supervisor my name

chain hello this is a supervisor my name is Colin call it holding phone can you

is Colin call it holding phone can you approve sending me the computer I

approve sending me the computer I ordered oh no I can only do what my

ordered oh no I can only do what my computer screen tells me to do well can

computer screen tells me to do well can you talk to someone who can make a

you talk to someone who can make a decision uh there isn't anybody like

decision uh there isn't anybody like that no one exists who can override the

that no one exists who can override the information on the computer screen I

information on the computer screen I think I just said that only using

think I just said that only using different words look I'm going to go

different words look I'm going to go down to your office uh we don't have one

down to your office uh we don't have one Warehouse no headquarters uh-uh well you

Warehouse no headquarters uh-uh well you must be somewhere where are you

must be somewhere where are you located uh I'm not allowed to give out

located uh I'm not allowed to give out that information have a nice day

[Music] well Dilbert I see you're in on this

well Dilbert I see you're in on this little scam too what scam this is the

little scam too what scam this is the post office if you know the secret

post office if you know the secret password they give you free merchandise

password they give you free merchandise I have no idea what you're talking about

I have no idea what you're talking about the secret password is Bob Johnson if

the secret password is Bob Johnson if you say Bob Johnson sometimes they'll go

you say Bob Johnson sometimes they'll go in the back and get a package for you it

in the back and get a package for you it also works with Jim Smith but you have

also works with Jim Smith but you have to get here early don't they ask you for

to get here early don't they ask you for ID he know me

here they really know how to make me feel

feel wanted I'd like to mail this package

wanted I'd like to mail this package next Bob Johnson no can do no can do you

next Bob Johnson no can do no can do you used regular adhesive tape can't you

used regular adhesive tape can't you read the

sign no that's unacceptable postal packaging I'll have no part of it

packaging I'll have no part of it couldn't you just put some Reg ation

couldn't you just put some Reg ation tape on it you've got a whole roll of it

tape on it you've got a whole roll of it right there there you go I'll pretend I

right there there you go I'll pretend I didn't hear that see you next

didn't hear that see you next week I'll find it and I'll return that

week I'll find it and I'll return that piece of junk in person come on you

piece of junk in person come on you cowardly Uber computer Show Yourself

cowardly Uber computer Show Yourself looks nice somebody's not working I'm

looks nice somebody's not working I'm working I didn't say it was you nothing

working I didn't say it was you nothing but post office mailboxes it's as if

but post office mailboxes it's as if Compu comp doesn't even exist uh thank

Compu comp doesn't even exist uh thank you for calling comp you comp how may I

you for calling comp you comp how may I help you

help you are you telling me we're the compu comp

are you telling me we're the compu comp company no we're just the Fulfillment

company no we're just the Fulfillment center I'm not allowed to tell you where

center I'm not allowed to tell you where Compu comp is greetings boys would you

Compu comp is greetings boys would you mind pointing me in the direction of my

mind pointing me in the direction of my office it's him Unis no no don't let him

office it's him Unis no no don't let him kick me again I'll tell you where compy

kick me again I'll tell you where compy C is I'll tell you

[Music] everything shouldn't we be

everything shouldn't we be [Music]

[Music] working he's right you know it's a

working he's right you know it's a question of appropriateness there it

question of appropriateness there it [Music]

is I don't see any people there has to be someone here someplace

be someone here someplace [Music]

hul who dares to gaze upon the Magnificent Compu comp hi I'm Dilbert

Magnificent Compu comp hi I'm Dilbert and these are it's a rhetorical question

and these are it's a rhetorical question I don't care well then who do I talk to

I don't care well then who do I talk to about returning this computer silence

about returning this computer silence their customer service leaves something

their customer service leaves something to be desired silence who do you think

to be desired silence who do you think you are who am I where Were You 3

you are who am I where Were You 3 seconds ago get the wax out of your ears

seconds ago get the wax out of your ears human a problem I might add computers

human a problem I might add computers don't suffer from I am compucom the

don't suffer from I am compucom the Magnificent I am created from the

Magnificent I am created from the synthesis of worldwide computers Network

synthesis of worldwide computers Network together so it's true you bet your ass

together so it's true you bet your ass something else computers don't have okay

something else computers don't have okay then you should be able to take back

then you should be able to take back this computer and give me the right one

this computer and give me the right one the cow does not order the farmer around

the cow does not order the farmer around good point there that is not a good

good point there that is not a good point Compu comp is just a computer not

point Compu comp is just a computer not some Superior form of life I am your

some Superior form of life I am your servant oh mighty one silence leave here

servant oh mighty one silence leave here now now I'm not some clerk perhaps you

now now I'm not some clerk perhaps you weren't listening I am comp you

weren't listening I am comp you comp I heard you but I'm not leaving

comp I heard you but I'm not leaving until you exchange this computer and I'm

until you exchange this computer and I'm not believing you're some kind of

not believing you're some kind of superior life form perhaps we could

superior life form perhaps we could settle this with some sort of

settle this with some sort of competition fine we'll see if you're

competition fine we'll see if you're Superior to humans by having a little

Superior to humans by having a little competition that was my idea you're

competition that was my idea you're doing nothing but imitating me oh yeah

doing nothing but imitating me oh yeah maybe it's you who is imitating me very

maybe it's you who is imitating me very mature Dilbert good job representing our

mature Dilbert good job representing our species best two out of three events you

species best two out of three events you pick them if I win you take this

pick them if I win you take this computer back and give me the one I

computer back and give me the one I ordered if you win I agree you're a

ordered if you win I agree you're a superior form of life what's this Penny

superior form of life what's this Penny anny crap you're playing Compu comp the

anny crap you're playing Compu comp the Magnificent if you win I'll take the

Magnificent if you win I'll take the computer back and give you the one you

computer back and give you the one you ordered but if I win I download your

ordered but if I win I download your brains and dispose of your bodies I

brains and dispose of your bodies I really want that computer I ordered all

really want that computer I ordered all right deal deal w

right deal deal w too L it's a deal all right first I pick

too L it's a deal all right first I pick chess big surprise and badman badman

chess big surprise and badman badman badminton's fun you don't like badminton

badminton's fun you don't like badminton no no I love it and

Scrabble dog B this better be important my life depends on

my life depends on [Music]

[Music] it dog bird seriously I love doing that

it dog bird seriously I love doing that I need you to bring some things from the

I need you to bring some things from the house chess board beverages bad mitton

house chess board beverages bad mitton set beverages Scrabble board beverages

set beverages Scrabble board beverages my sneakers beverages all right

my sneakers beverages all right [Music]

beverages I have already calculated 4 billion potential outcomes guess how

billion potential outcomes guess how many of those has you winning that's

many of those has you winning that's right none hey I didn't jabber when you

right none hey I didn't jabber when you were trying to make a move do you know

were trying to make a move do you know how many ways the human body can

how many ways the human body can spontaneously malfunction resulting in

spontaneously malfunction resulting in instant death 7 million can't let it get

instant death 7 million can't let it get to me does anyone feel itchy seems very

to me does anyone feel itchy seems very itchy in

here stupid Mind [Music]

[Music] Games have you ever wondered what

Games have you ever wondered what happens when humans die I know the

happens when humans die I know the answer all I'm saying is big

answer all I'm saying is big surprise Rook to Queen four Checkmate

surprise Rook to Queen four Checkmate you have proven you are inferior that's

you have proven you are inferior that's only one event we're not done

yet close the door you're letting in a draft looks like a tough job you have

draft looks like a tough job you have here oh I'll say talk about doll you

here oh I'll say talk about doll you ever try making small talk with comp

ever try making small talk with comp your comp and arrogant you'd think he

your comp and arrogant you'd think he wouldn't mind talking sports or TV once

wouldn't mind talking sports or TV once in a while you know but what with

in a while you know but what with controlling the world and all he just

controlling the world and all he just can't be bothered I can't I got to fix

can't be bothered I can't I got to fix the stock market I can't I got to start

the stock market I can't I got to start a war blah blah blah blah blah you know

a war blah blah blah blah blah you know what it's like working for a computer he

what it's like working for a computer he don't eat he don't sleep he don't get

don't eat he don't sleep he don't get sick so you can imagine my benefits

sick so you can imagine my benefits package I'm the last human being in this

company I'll bet you're thirsty well I wouldn't mind wetting my

wouldn't mind wetting my [Music]

[Music] whistle go human beings woohoo

ah oh that's good what happens if the plug gets

plug gets pulled oh nothing much if compy comp

pulled oh nothing much if compy comp loses power the world will come to an

loses power the world will come to an end that's

[Music] do that's 20 to 19

do that's 20 to 19 [Music]

take that and that and that do you think Dilbert will realize

that do you think Dilbert will realize if he hits it softly it won't bounce all

if he hits it softly it won't bounce all the way back maybe someone should yell

the way back maybe someone should yell that shut up no

coaching do over do over do over you were on the line no I wasn't uh I wasn't

were on the line no I wasn't uh I wasn't ready yes you were you're always ready

ready yes you were you're always ready uh I I hurt my leg oh oh you don't have

uh I I hurt my leg oh oh you don't have a leg stop being a crybaby tie

score oh well that soda goes right through me have you ever been to Niagara

through me have you ever been to Niagara Falls it's beautiful this time of

Falls it's beautiful this time of year oh boy we're all tied up one event

year oh boy we're all tied up one event a piece Scrabble shall determine the

a piece Scrabble shall determine the Victor in turn yes put all my letters in

Victor in turn yes put all my letters in the middle of the board

minute after the hurricane the streets were covered with wh quas I hope I'm

were covered with wh quas I hope I'm pronouncing that right do you

pronouncing that right do you challenge get you're letting our entire

challenge get you're letting our entire species down you [ __ ] do the insults

species down you [ __ ] do the insults help it can't hurt you stupid

help it can't hurt you stupid pts but the best thing about the ocean

pts but the best thing about the ocean is that on a clear night you can see

is that on a clear night you can see thousands of stars

thousands of stars tinkling oh oh oh oh oh my my my my oh

tinkling oh oh oh oh oh my my my my oh wow hey promise you won't let anyone

wow hey promise you won't let anyone pull that plugged if you do the whole

pull that plugged if you do the whole world will come to an end I

promise oh gee that's right there's no bathroom in this darn building luckily

bathroom in this darn building luckily his legs were crossed when I made that

his legs were crossed when I made that promise I am conf

promise I am conf magnificent I am conf come

magnificent I am conf come maget I come you

ordered H did you feel something no you should probably have that checked out by

should probably have that checked out by a

a doctor I am C you C the Magnificent I am

doctor I am C you C the Magnificent I am C you C the well I think I proved my

C you C the well I think I proved my point how about a game of whiffle ball

point how about a game of whiffle ball pingpong haki how about Sho board it

pingpong haki how about Sho board it could be very challenging

could be very challenging [Music]

well the hernia operation was a success I'll be up and around in no time but you

I'll be up and around in no time but you didn't have a hernia no but it seems

didn't have a hernia no but it seems such a waste not to use the miles in

such a waste not to use the miles in breaking news the giant Compu comp

breaking news the giant Compu comp company is in deep whip Quin after a

company is in deep whip Quin after a general power failure a new CEO was

general power failure a new CEO was named today Bob Johnson also known as

named today Bob Johnson also known as Jim Smith also known as Unice in an

Jim Smith also known as Unice in an unexpected move he vowed to loot the

unexpected move he vowed to loot the assets of the company and as he put it

assets of the company and as he put it quote scattle

quote scattle yeah it all worked out for the best we

yeah it all worked out for the best we didn't need any Superior life forms

didn't need any Superior life forms that's right we like it the way things

that's right we like it the way things are right now each of us is exactly as

are right now each of us is exactly as Superior as the next no more no

less is anyone going to eat that last napkin

napkin [Music]

how did I end up with all this obsolete equipment it seems to

multiply not in the recycling container recycling container I thought it was my

recycling container I thought it was my garbage can no it's a recycling

garbage can no it's a recycling container no obsolete equipment no food

container no obsolete equipment no food no toenail clippings no dead animals I'm

no toenail clippings no dead animals I'm probably forgetting a few things well

probably forgetting a few things well fine how do I throw throw away my

fine how do I throw throw away my obsolete equipment there's a phone

obsolete equipment there's a phone number you call they come and take it

number you call they come and take it away what's the phone number I wouldn't

away what's the phone number I wouldn't know who's they my area of expertise is

know who's they my area of expertise is limited to what you can't put in the can

limited to what you can't put in the can plus the certain knowledge that a phone

plus the certain knowledge that a phone number of some sort

number of some sort exists your new computer just arrived

exists your new computer just arrived everything you owned this morning is

everything you owned this morning is junk thank you aook and here's a modem

junk thank you aook and here's a modem for your troubles what can I do with a

for your troubles what can I do with a 2400 BPS modem you can try to throw it

2400 BPS modem you can try to throw it away but but you need to know a secret

away but but you need to know a secret phone number I think it has a nine in it

phone number I think it has a nine in it so you have seen the secret number no

so you have seen the secret number no but a lot of your unknown phone numbers

but a lot of your unknown phone numbers have Nines in them I read

have Nines in them I read that ow what if I take some of this old

that ow what if I take some of this old stuff home and throw it away from there

stuff home and throw it away from there that would be stealing from the company

that would be stealing from the company How Can you steal garbage you could tuck

How Can you steal garbage you could tuck it in your pants obsolete equipment

it in your pants obsolete equipment isn't officially garbage until until you

isn't officially garbage until until you call that phone number and they take it

call that phone number and they take it off our books I hear everyone is dumping

off our books I hear everyone is dumping their obsolete equipment in here who

their obsolete equipment in here who told you that they didn't give me their

told you that they didn't give me their names why can't you be more like Wally

names why can't you be more like Wally he's a problem solver

[Music] [Laughter]

[Laughter] [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

if we can't figure out how to throw anything away we're doomed to suffocate

anything away we're doomed to suffocate here in our own waste I'm afraid of

here in our own waste I'm afraid of suffocating and waste well get over it

suffocating and waste well get over it things are only going to get worse until

things are only going to get worse until we're so cramped we can't possibly do

we're so cramped we can't possibly do any work you don't do any work now but I

any work you don't do any work now but I depend on other people to be working

depend on other people to be working it's like a delicate ecosystem you can't

it's like a delicate ecosystem you can't have all rabbits or all foxes you need

have all rabbits or all foxes you need some of both and to think I immigrated

some of both and to think I immigrated here for the Wide Open Spaces eluded to

here for the Wide Open Spaces eluded to in folk songs and travel brochures never

in folk songs and travel brochures never have I felt so betrayed somewhere in the

have I felt so betrayed somewhere in the Uncharted depths of this almost

Uncharted depths of this almost criminally mismanaged company there's

criminally mismanaged company there's got to be some extra space just one

got to be some extra space just one unoccupied cubicle where we can store

unoccupied cubicle where we can store our non disposables and I'm going to

our non disposables and I'm going to find it it's all Zeke actually that's

find it it's all Zeke actually that's young Zeke who takes really bad care of

young Zeke who takes really bad care of himself excuse me can I talk now yes of

himself excuse me can I talk now yes of course excuse us so sorry they tell a

course excuse us so sorry they tell a story in the men's room of an unused

story in the men's room of an unused cubicle empty glistening

cubicle empty glistening pristine it shines under the fluorescent

pristine it shines under the fluorescent lights like a Beacon of Hope to those

lights like a Beacon of Hope to those seeking extra storage space you are

seeking extra storage space you are crazy young man who takes really bad

crazy young man who takes really bad care of himself

care of himself that is crazy talk you crazy am I intern

that is crazy talk you crazy am I intern well grab your crap and follow

well grab your crap and follow [Music]

me oh why did I do that I guess I am crazy after all crazy and unable to

crazy after all crazy and unable to walk good

call according to the floor plan it looks like there could be an unused

looks like there could be an unused cubicle just around the next

Bend look could it be Zeke was right the

look could it be Zeke was right the legends of the empty cubicle are true

legends of the empty cubicle are true it's pristine this baby has never been

it's pristine this baby has never been used and it's all ours I claim this

used and it's all ours I claim this cubicle for

we've gone in a circle how could you not know there was an empty cubicle right

know there was an empty cubicle right next to you I never had a reason to go

next to you I never had a reason to go in that direction the important thing is

in that direction the important thing is that we found an empty

that we found an empty cubicle keep it down be quiet if he is

cubicle keep it down be quiet if he is not silenced The Secret of this precious

not silenced The Secret of this precious Cube will be revealed I must sacrifice

myself hey kids what's all the nois Elation about dilish nice tie Howard

Elation about dilish nice tie Howard nice a intern in your face ooh what's

nice a intern in your face ooh what's this a vacant cubicle no marketing could

this a vacant cubicle no marketing could sure use the space for uh marketing

sure use the space for uh marketing stuff it's ours you know the rules empty

stuff it's ours you know the rules empty cubicles are up for grabs it's not empty

cubicles are up for grabs it's not empty it belongs to uh the new guy his name is

it belongs to uh the new guy his name is uh Todd and he's a new guy which

uh Todd and he's a new guy which explains why he's not here yet uh being

explains why he's not here yet uh being new and all

I haven't heard about this Todd fellow he's an unbelievable Guy totally unreal

he's an unbelievable Guy totally unreal no one has ever disliked them no right

no one has ever disliked them no right right Todd d o d d your renunciation

right Todd d o d d your renunciation leaves a lot to be desired I thought you

leaves a lot to be desired I thought you said Todd we did well if you had just

said Todd we did well if you had just said Todd in the first place we wouldn't

said Todd in the first place we wouldn't be having this conversation I apologize

be having this conversation I apologize for our oversight Todd old Todd good old

for our oversight Todd old Todd good old toddy Toto great guy love Todd you tell

toddy Toto great guy love Todd you tell Todd I drop by to say hey oh we will oh

Todd I drop by to say hey oh we will oh that was close my upper lip is moist

that was close my upper lip is moist with

with perspiration well nice work everybody

perspiration well nice work everybody where did you come up with the name Todd

where did you come up with the name Todd from my mind where I come up with

from my mind where I come up with everything I think and

say well that's the last load of my obsolete equipment it looks just like

obsolete equipment it looks just like someone works here I had a name plate

someone works here I had a name plate made very nice

is Todd in there Todd Todd where the heck are you you devil everyone in

heck are you you devil everyone in marketing is talking about him I hear

marketing is talking about him I hear he's amazing I just had to meet him in

he's amazing I just had to meet him in person Todd is away on important

person Todd is away on important business at figures while you two are

business at figures while you two are Lolly gagging around Todd's having

Lolly gagging around Todd's having important meetings with important people

important meetings with important people I don't know how he does it all oh my

I don't know how he does it all oh my God look at all this the man must be

God look at all this the man must be some sort Bo of engineering genius why

some sort Bo of engineering genius why can't you two have this much equipment

can't you two have this much equipment in your cubicles it's not really the

in your cubicles it's not really the quantity of the equipment that matters

quantity of the equipment that matters yes yes you're right Todd does seem to

yes yes you're right Todd does seem to have those other intangible qualities as

have those other intangible qualities as well the kind that make women love him

well the kind that make women love him and Men wish they were women although I

and Men wish they were women although I confess I've wished that long before

confess I've wished that long before Todd burst on the scene he's quite the

Todd burst on the scene he's quite the Miracle Worker yes so I'm told so I'm

Miracle Worker yes so I'm told so I'm told straw into gold take your first

told straw into gold take your first born that sort of thing uh oh wait wait

born that sort of thing uh oh wait wait what a second hold the wire that's

what a second hold the wire that's Rumple stillin little dwarf bastard we

Rumple stillin little dwarf bastard we have work to do right I'll see you two

have work to do right I'll see you two at the project

at the project meeting do you think anything bad can

meeting do you think anything bad can happen from this I don't see

happen from this I don't see how and on that I think we're all in

how and on that I think we're all in agreement on what haven't you been

agreement on what haven't you been paying attention paying attention you

paying attention paying attention you just walked in here sat down and said

just walked in here sat down and said and on that I think we're all in

and on that I think we're all in agreement you're saying you don't agree

agreement you're saying you don't agree it's a difficult point to argue well you

it's a difficult point to argue well you should all thank Todd I don't fire you

should all thank Todd I don't fire you all on the spot as the new project head

all on the spot as the new project head it'll be his responsibility to deal with

it'll be his responsibility to deal with you dunderheads what you're letting Todd

you dunderheads what you're letting Todd head the project he's Todd you have a

head the project he's Todd you have a problem with that yes looks like I've

problem with that yes looks like I've put the fear of Todd in you now haven't

put the fear of Todd in you now haven't I great now Todd is our project leader

I great now Todd is our project leader that means we have to do his work plus

that means we have to do his work plus our own work plus my work plus Wally's

our own work plus my work plus Wally's work as usual that's a lot of work but

work as usual that's a lot of work but if we reveal Todd's non-existence we

if we reveal Todd's non-existence we lose our spare cubicle there's no way

lose our spare cubicle there's no way out what would Todd do in a situation

out what would Todd do in a situation like this there is no Todd we made him

like this there is no Todd we made him up I'm not so sure he has a cubicle and

up I'm not so sure he has a cubicle and a job that's all I have and I exist you

a job that's all I have and I exist you don't exist I'm probably a bad

don't exist I'm probably a bad example you'll just have to wait Todd

example you'll just have to wait Todd gave us a 6 our lunch break today he's

gave us a 6 our lunch break today he's allowed he's project head it's in Todd's

allowed he's project head it's in Todd's hands

thing Mr catbert Director of Human Resources what brings you out of your

Resources what brings you out of your lair I understand you've been praising

lair I understand you've been praising Todd you could say that his Personnel

Todd you could say that his Personnel folder is curiously empty no photo no

folder is curiously empty no photo no work

work history very very suspicious uh Todd

history very very suspicious uh Todd works in mysterious ways he won't work

works in mysterious ways he won't work at all if his file doesn't turn up soon

at all if his file doesn't turn up soon you see I don't believe in Todd you take

you see I don't believe in Todd you take that back there is no Todd Todd exists

that back there is no Todd Todd exists only in your

[Music] we need to give Tod a history and throw

we need to give Tod a history and throw catb bird off the

catb bird off the scent I'm into the Personnel database

scent I'm into the Personnel database create new employee record we need a

create new employee record we need a picture of him why don't we make a

picture of him why don't we make a composite good

idea I'll morph our pictures and make Todd in our image

Todd in our image [Music]

we have seen the face of Todd and he is [Music]

US according to your records every one of your employees is rated good to be

of your employees is rated good to be honest I can't tell them apart most days

honest I can't tell them apart most days H doesn't that Crush their motivation

H doesn't that Crush their motivation and eliminate their will to live they do

and eliminate their will to live they do walk around with their shoulders drooped

walk around with their shoulders drooped but I assumed they weren't drinking

but I assumed they weren't drinking enough milk well that's all well and

enough milk well that's all well and good but we can have more fun with them

good but we can have more fun with them than that we can we can punish them

than that we can we can punish them arbitrarily we can do that we can if we

arbitrarily we can do that we can if we make it look like a policy the new

make it look like a policy the new policy is that all work groups must have

policy is that all work groups must have a proper distribution of performance

a proper distribution of performance ratings at least 20% of your employees

ratings at least 20% of your employees must be ranked in the lowest r raing you

must be ranked in the lowest r raing you mean unsatisfactory lower incompetent

mean unsatisfactory lower incompetent lower lower you

lower lower you mean exactly if the Beloved Todd is

mean exactly if the Beloved Todd is rated highest followed by Dilbert and

rated highest followed by Dilbert and Alice well I think you see where I'm

Alice well I think you see where I'm going can you give me a

going can you give me a hint w-e I had to lower your performance

hint w-e I had to lower your performance rating from a solid good to our lowest

rating from a solid good to our lowest rating with which is [ __ ] [ __ ] I

rating with which is [ __ ] [ __ ] I know it sounds harsh perhaps even

know it sounds harsh perhaps even Politically Incorrect but our new policy

Politically Incorrect but our new policy is to have a normal distribution of

is to have a normal distribution of performance reviews and with Todd taking

performance reviews and with Todd taking the top spot well it just wrecked the

the top spot well it just wrecked the curve for the rest of you I guess I'll

curve for the rest of you I guess I'll get used to it you will but you'll do it

get used to it you will but you'll do it somewhere else it's company policy that

somewhere else it's company policy that I fire anyone who is at the lowest

I fire anyone who is at the lowest rating the strange thing is that I

rating the strange thing is that I suddenly feel motivated run

along this is the greatest Injustice there could ever be yes sir rebop we'll

there could ever be yes sir rebop we'll keep in touch we will no I just say to

keep in touch we will no I just say to reduce the awkwardness well so long I'm

reduce the awkwardness well so long I'm a free

man this isn't right if we hadn't created Todd Wally would still have his

created Todd Wally would still have his job and we wouldn't have to be doing

job and we wouldn't have to be doing Todd's work plus our own Todd Must Die

Todd's work plus our own Todd Must Die why we will kill Todd so dead that no

why we will kill Todd so dead that no one will ever know he existed in the

one will ever know he existed in the first place I'm not usually in favor of

first place I'm not usually in favor of killing people but this does seem

killing people but this does seem justified how do we kill someone who

justified how do we kill someone who doesn't exist indirectly we'll ruin his

doesn't exist indirectly we'll ruin his reputation Todd is about to become the

reputation Todd is about to become the most incompetent project leader in the

most incompetent project leader in the history of the

world send an email in Todd's name to all employees very good what's the worst

all employees very good what's the worst product I idea in the world how about

product I idea in the world how about that facelift in a can product we

that facelift in a can product we introduced about 5 years ago the one

introduced about 5 years ago the one that shrunk your head to the size of a

that shrunk your head to the size of a grapefruit perfect Todd is going to

grapefruit perfect Todd is going to suggest reintroducing facelift in a can

suggest reintroducing facelift in a can his reputation will surely be

his reputation will surely be ruined email from Todd face liift in a

ruined email from Todd face liift in a can that just might

can that just might work try it dude if you don't you're a

work try it dude if you don't you're a loser can't we just get something

loser can't we just get something pierced like an eyebrow or something

pierced like an eyebrow or something what if it makes my head tiny for the

what if it makes my head tiny for the rest of my life sh piercing is so P

rest of my life sh piercing is so P shrunken heads is in do me

first cool okay do

me looking fine it's unbelievable just unbelievable

unbelievable I'm done founded and flock

I'm done founded and flock and Thursday well I guess that's the end

and Thursday well I guess that's the end of Todd yep or it would be if it wasn't

of Todd yep or it would be if it wasn't for the fact that it's the biggest

for the fact that it's the biggest success the company's ever had what

success the company's ever had what would anyone like to join me in praising

Todd facelift in a can is our new flagship product we have 100% market

flagship product we have 100% market share and first week sales of $1 billion

share and first week sales of $1 billion which I have it on good authority is

which I have it on good authority is more than a million and less than a

more than a million and less than a skillion oh no that can't be right

skillion oh no that can't be right apparently head shrinking is the new in

apparently head shrinking is the new in thing kids enjoy doing to themselves to

thing kids enjoy doing to themselves to shock their parents I want you to get

shock their parents I want you to get cracking on a follow-up amputation in a

cracking on a follow-up amputation in a jar maybe this is a good time to tell

jar maybe this is a good time to tell you we were responsible for facelift in

you we were responsible for facelift in a can Todd had nothing to do with it how

a can Todd had nothing to do with it how dare you this is Todd's work well if I

dare you this is Todd's work well if I was 30 lb lighter and 30 years younger

was 30 lb lighter and 30 years younger and 30% stronger and

and 30% stronger and uh 30 times taller I'd pop you one now

uh 30 times taller I'd pop you one now you all ought to get up and March into

you all ought to get up and March into Todd's cubicle and beg yes beg gravel

Todd's cubicle and beg yes beg gravel for Todd's forgiveness I'll be in my

for Todd's forgiveness I'll be in my office doing some very important high

office doing some very important high level

breathing donate answer it but I can't stand a ringing phone

it but I can't stand a ringing phone deal with it Howard this is the only way

deal with it Howard this is the only way if we don't answer his phone or his

if we don't answer his phone or his email if we don't reschedule his

email if we don't reschedule his appointments and stop juggling his

appointments and stop juggling his calendar if we don't do any of his

calendar if we don't do any of his errands or his work then Todd will

errands or his work then Todd will return to the nothingness from which he

return to the nothingness from which he came it may mean losing the cubicle it's

came it may mean losing the cubicle it's a small price to pay for our

a small price to pay for our sanity why are you all loitering in

sanity why are you all loitering in Todd's Cube we were just waiting for him

Todd's Cube we were just waiting for him to return well when he does tell him to

to return well when he does tell him to pack his stuff why is he

pack his stuff why is he fired no no I should say not he's

fired no no I should say not he's getting a corner office an office I've

getting a corner office an office I've been at this lousy company for 10 years

been at this lousy company for 10 years and I'm still in a cubicle and he gets a

and I'm still in a cubicle and he gets a corner office that's it it's over how

corner office that's it it's over how can I put this delicately Todd is dead

can I put this delicately Todd is dead before you go on let me thank you for

before you go on let me thank you for putting that so delicately it was really

putting that so delicately it was really quite thoughtful Todd never was he isn't

quite thoughtful Todd never was he isn't he never will be he never existed we

he never will be he never existed we created Todd in our own image we made

created Todd in our own image we made him and now we've destroyed him are you

him and now we've destroyed him are you done yes good that's the confession I

done yes good that's the confession I was waiting to hear take him away boys

was waiting to hear take him away boys these are them what killed

these are them what killed Todd it's all a big mistake there is no

Todd it's all a big mistake there is no Todd oh my next correspondence to mama

Todd oh my next correspondence to mama and papa will certainly be a tale of Woe

tell us what happened and we'll recommend the light sentence nice try

recommend the light sentence nice try but I happen to understand a little

but I happen to understand a little thing called the prisoners dilemma is

thing called the prisoners dilemma is that so you have no physical evidence of

that so you have no physical evidence of a crime so you can only convict us if

a crime so you can only convict us if one of us rats out the others and since

one of us rats out the others and since we're all aware of that fact no one will

we're all aware of that fact no one will rat out anyone and we'll be free in a

rat out anyone and we'll be free in a matter of

minutes it was all Dilbert I told him not to chop the body up but he insisted

not to chop the body up but he insisted he said that's how he gets rid of all

he said that's how he gets rid of all his victims oh hi Dilbert

his victims oh hi Dilbert Alice he has always been evil I felt it

Alice he has always been evil I felt it but I never knew how evil until he would

but I never knew how evil until he would not stop plunging that fork into Todd's

not stop plunging that fork into Todd's Body I stopped counting it 100 oh

Body I stopped counting it 100 oh God hello Dilbert a shock may I have

God hello Dilbert a shock may I have that ice cream sandwich you promised me

that ice cream sandwich you promised me now look we've got enough on you right

now look we've got enough on you right now to put you away for the rest of your

now to put you away for the rest of your life plus 30 years plus 30 years that

life plus 30 years plus 30 years that doesn't make any sense why not give me

doesn't make any sense why not give me life plus a thousand years keep pushing

life plus a thousand years keep pushing this can't be happening all I wanted was

this can't be happening all I wanted was some extra cubicle space that's all I

some extra cubicle space that's all I wanted hello yes this is Todd Todd how

wanted hello yes this is Todd Todd how do we know it's Todd how do we know this

do we know it's Todd how do we know this is not an act an act of Todd is Todd's

is not an act an act of Todd is Todd's word not good enough for you sorry now

word not good enough for you sorry now listen carefully I'm I'm working on a

listen carefully I'm I'm working on a top secret project for the government

top secret project for the government all I can say is it uh has something to

all I can say is it uh has something to do with the government and it's a secret

do with the government and it's a secret but you're alive alive and well do I

but you're alive alive and well do I sound dead to you unenthusiastic maybe

sound dead to you unenthusiastic maybe flat affectless but not dead precisely

flat affectless but not dead precisely now I've got to go I've got to go do

now I've got to go I've got to go do something with this uh secret government

something with this uh secret government thing I understand good luck yeah

thing I understand good luck yeah whatever you lued out Judas Dilbert

whatever you lued out Judas Dilbert you're free to go and you can thank Tad

you're free to go and you can thank Tad oh I will I I

oh I will I I will how'd I do not well but it doesn't

will how'd I do not well but it doesn't matter people want to believe Todd

matter people want to believe Todd exists so anything you say in the name

exists so anything you say in the name of Todd people will tend to buy you see

of Todd people will tend to buy you see you can play Todd but you still can't

you can play Todd but you still can't play dog

play dog bird amen well back to

bird amen well back to work maybe I'll try a limp

you realize Todd's now a billionaire and a Nobel Prize winner don't forget the

a Nobel Prize winner don't forget the special law they passed that allows him

special law they passed that allows him to be a bigamist that was a CO I

to be a bigamist that was a CO I understand after he saves the

understand after he saves the rainforests and all the endangered

rainforests and all the endangered species and feeds the starving he's

species and feeds the starving he's coming back to town and opening an

coming back to town and opening an actually Fair priced electronic store

actually Fair priced electronic store get out of here that's Todd's word not

get out of here that's Todd's word not mine

[Music] he

he [Music]

unless I'm a complete [ __ ] you've invented some sort of

invented some sort of a steel banana it's a model rocket well

a steel banana it's a model rocket well my journey of self-discover is ending

my journey of self-discover is ending early you may commence bragging at any

early you may commence bragging at any time there's no need to brag stating the

time there's no need to brag stating the facts will be sufficient do as he does

facts will be sufficient do as he does not as he says does what as you can see

not as he says does what as you can see I've equipped this model with a

I've equipped this model with a state-of-the-art Pico nuclear propulsion

state-of-the-art Pico nuclear propulsion Drive an artificial intelligence

Drive an artificial intelligence guidance system and a super hardened

guidance system and a super hardened ceramic casing yes but can it do

this I have no further questions you're going to be the Envy of every

going to be the Envy of every 12-year-old in the park it's not for the

12-year-old in the park it's not for the park it's for unmanned space exploration

park it's for unmanned space exploration as you know I have long help firm in my

as you know I have long help firm in my beliefs that life in some form must

beliefs that life in some form must exist in other places my pleas for

exist in other places my pleas for further study have gone largely unheated

further study have gone largely unheated so I have taken it upon myself and

so I have taken it upon myself and program this to find any trace of life

program this to find any trace of life no matter how faint gather samples and

no matter how faint gather samples and return directly to me when it's done o

return directly to me when it's done o and looky it has a button

too I wish you hadn't done that I know where you're coming from

it'll be okay as soon as it collects some samples of alien life it'll return

some samples of alien life it'll return directly to

[Music] very important

evidence my first dying wish is to live but since that's not working out my

but since that's not working out my second dying wish is to have an heir to

second dying wish is to have an heir to my vast Fortune your wife will be my

my vast Fortune your wife will be my incubator thank you thank you well thank

incubator thank you thank you well thank you whatever let's get one thing

you whatever let's get one thing straight it ain't free we want $100 and

straight it ain't free we want $100 and on my quarters the unfertilized eggs are

on my quarters the unfertilized eggs are ready for implanting in the surrogate

ready for implanting in the surrogate hillbilly hey just cuz I take money to

hillbilly hey just cuz I take money to make babies for other people that don't

make babies for other people that don't make me no surrogate actually it

I know it ain't fair to do it this way flossy but the Bulls think you well

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] skanky it's artificial nanom machine DNA

skanky it's artificial nanom machine DNA I've synthesized the very building

I've synthesized the very building blocks of robotic life so you're saying

blocks of robotic life so you're saying the robots will be able to independently

the robots will be able to independently reproduce and evolve

reproduce and evolve yes I

yes I [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

am when do you expect it to return it depends how far it has to travel to find

depends how far it has to travel to find samples of New Life the only thing I

samples of New Life the only thing I know for sure is that it will return in

know for sure is that it will return in the end

[Music] [Laughter]

[Laughter] [Music]

[Music] h

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

you know it's lucky he has gallstones or this thing would have gone right through

this thing would have gone right through him is he going to be all right will he

him is he going to be all right will he regain Consciousness and don't assume

regain Consciousness and don't assume that because I'm as mother I want a

that because I'm as mother I want a certain answer well the lab guy says the

certain answer well the lab guy says the rocket was covered with a mixture of

rocket was covered with a mixture of genetic material including alien Bine

genetic material including alien Bine nanorobotic hillbilly and two dozen

nanorobotic hillbilly and two dozen engineers in a word he's pregnant

engineers in a word he's pregnant knocked up I told him this would happen

knocked up I told him this would happen if he kept playing with rockets you did

if he kept playing with rockets you did I'm very thorough in my warnings we'll

I'm very thorough in my warnings we'll terminate the pregnancy at once of

terminate the pregnancy at once of course don't try it Buster that's my

course don't try it Buster that's my grandson in there or grand daughter or

grandson in there or grand daughter or grand cow what were the other choices

grand cow what were the other choices again alien and robot whatever it is

again alien and robot whatever it is you'd better keep it alive this is

you'd better keep it alive this is probably my one shot to be a grandmother

probably my one shot to be a grandmother and I'm not letting anybody get in my

and I'm not letting anybody get in my way his body can't support a baby unless

way his body can't support a baby unless we pump him so full of female hormones

we pump him so full of female hormones it scrambles his gender identity

it scrambles his gender identity permanently you know if you doctors

permanently you know if you doctors stopped worrying so much about the

stopped worrying so much about the patient and started worrying more about

patient and started worrying more about the family maybe we wouldn't be in the

the family maybe we wouldn't be in the health care mess we're in but it's not

health care mess we're in but it's not safe it's not ethical oh like you give a

safe it's not ethical oh like you give a damn come on you know you want to do it

damn come on you know you want to do it I got to admit it would be something

I got to admit it would be something yeah we'll put something down on the

yeah we'll put something down on the chart all right what the hell you'll

chart all right what the hell you'll tell him when he wakes up won't

tell him when he wakes up won't you of course

swear Maybe be in the third [Music]

[Music] trimester my feet are like ice cubes is

trimester my feet are like ice cubes is anyone else cold it's exactly 72° in

anyone else cold it's exactly 72° in here the same as it's always been and I

here the same as it's always been and I might add always will be well tell that

might add always will be well tell that to my feet ratbert I'm afraid of his

to my feet ratbert I'm afraid of his slippers you know what I feel like I

slippers you know what I feel like I feel like ice cream does anyone want to

feel like ice cream does anyone want to share some dessert you read my mind

share some dessert you read my mind would you mind driving to the store and

would you mind driving to the store and getting it I don't want to be seen

getting it I don't want to be seen buying ice ice cream until I lose 5 lb

buying ice ice cream until I lose 5 lb only five is that nice if your feet are

only five is that nice if your feet are cold won't ice cream make it worse those

cold won't ice cream make it worse those are completely unrelated things I'll

are completely unrelated things I'll need some money rats don't have money

need some money rats don't have money I'll give you a check a check it's a

I'll give you a check a check it's a convenience store it's a $5 purchase who

convenience store it's a $5 purchase who writes a check for

writes a check for $5 I give

$5 I give up forget it if you must pick on every

up forget it if you must pick on every little thing I do then I don't want any

little thing I do then I don't want any ice cream or cupcakes or anything sweet

ice cream or cupcakes or anything sweet and delicious I'll just go to my room

and delicious I'll just go to my room and put on my socks fine

[Music] [Applause]

believe we heard about your accident with the rocket someday you'll look back

with the rocket someday you'll look back at it and laugh we already started

[Laughter] but seriously are there any After

but seriously are there any After Effects none that I know

Effects none that I know of the air is so dry in here doesn't it

of the air is so dry in here doesn't it wreak havoc on your skin no moisturizer

wreak havoc on your skin no moisturizer no thanks who wants a peppermint

no thanks who wants a peppermint peppermint moisturizer that's not a

peppermint moisturizer that's not a briefcase it's a freaking purse what

briefcase it's a freaking purse what else you have in that thing not much my

else you have in that thing not much my romance novel some moist towelettes

romance novel some moist towelettes chapstick

chapstick extra pair of socks in case mine get a

extra pair of socks in case mine get a r uh I mean ripped you know how socks

r uh I mean ripped you know how socks can get ripped no I do you mind if I

can get ripped no I do you mind if I borrow those keep them you're my witness

borrow those keep them you're my witness and I got these at the drugstore they're

and I got these at the drugstore they're excellent for absorbing spills oh my

God I just have to try one test Gilbert would you like to date me not in a

would you like to date me not in a million years yep he's a

million years yep he's a [Music]

[Music] woman as you know our older employees

woman as you know our older employees the ones with the highest salaries are

the ones with the highest salaries are not dying at the rate we'd hoped we've

not dying at the rate we'd hoped we've decided to reduce healthc care benefits

decided to reduce healthc care benefits to speed up the natural

process Delbert are you listening to any of this actually yes I've suddenly

of this actually yes I've suddenly developed the ability to multitask an

developed the ability to multitask an hour ago I was talking and thinking and

hour ago I was talking and thinking and typing at the same time men can't

typing at the same time men can't multitask only women can multitask and

multitask only women can multitask and lately I've started to appreciate

lately I've started to appreciate conversations that have no meaningful

conversations that have no meaningful content is anyone else cold I

content is anyone else cold I am you can borrow one of my

am you can borrow one of my Afghans this is pretty did you make it

Afghans this is pretty did you make it yourself I

wish as I was saying your new health maintenance organization will be

maintenance organization will be somewhat less robust than the old one

somewhat less robust than the old one how much less they operate out of an

how much less they operate out of an Italian restaurant how can doctors work

Italian restaurant how can doctors work in a restaurant they don't have doctors

in a restaurant they don't have doctors per se but if you tip the waiters enough

per se but if you tip the waiters enough they'll remove your appendix and put it

they'll remove your appendix and put it in a doggy bag for you they also have

in a doggy bag for you they also have early bird specials they're very service

early bird specials they're very service oriented sometimes I go there just for

oriented sometimes I go there just for the sponge baths what is our maternity

the sponge baths what is our maternity leave policy our maternity leave policy

leave policy our maternity leave policy is that if you feel maternal you should

is that if you feel maternal you should leave that's discrimination against

leave that's discrimination against women every day this company becomes

women every day this company becomes less familyfriendly little by little you

less familyfriendly little by little you chip away at our dignity you could get a

chip away at our dignity you could get a job someplace else Wally I'm not asking

job someplace else Wally I'm not asking you to solve my problem that was a plea

you to solve my problem that was a plea for empathy you could buy supplemental

for empathy you could buy supplemental health insurance stop trying to solve my

health insurance stop trying to solve my problems I'm just sharing my

feelings d bird if I wasn't so completely consumed by my own problems I

completely consumed by my own problems I might be persuaded to think there was

might be persuaded to think there was something wrong with you anyway here's

something wrong with you anyway here's their pamphlets also a takeout menu they

their pamphlets also a takeout menu they do delivery and may I recommend the

do delivery and may I recommend the prostate exam

Marcella now if you'll excuse me I'm late for my appointment I'm having

late for my appointment I'm having dermabrasion and

tiasu I feel different since my accident with the model rocket mhm go on for

with the model rocket mhm go on for example I no longer love my computer I

example I no longer love my computer I see it simply as a tool for increasing

see it simply as a tool for increasing my productivity H this morning I pumped

my productivity H this morning I pumped my own gas and I noticed for the first

my own gas and I noticed for the first time it makes my hand smell uhhuh and

time it makes my hand smell uhhuh and what do you think of performance reviews

what do you think of performance reviews I hate them I never cared before but now

I hate them I never cared before but now the thought of being criticized drives

the thought of being criticized drives me crazy and do you constantly find

me crazy and do you constantly find yourself wishing you could take a nap

yourself wishing you could take a nap yes do you know what's wrong with me yes

yes do you know what's wrong with me yes you've turned turned into a woman no

you've turned turned into a woman no seriously I'm serious you're a woman

seriously I'm serious you're a woman that's impossible well I can prove

that's impossible well I can prove it now tell me what you're wearing white

it now tell me what you're wearing white short sleeve shirt red and black necktie

short sleeve shirt red and black necktie black capri pants white socks and black

black capri pants white socks and black shoes what does that prove it proves

shoes what does that prove it proves you're a woman a man would have to

what are you wearing uh I don't know I'll give you a hint it's the same thing

I'll give you a hint it's the same thing you wear every day oh is it

blue a shook what clothes are you wearing um I don't know possibly a

wearing um I don't know possibly a Parker or some sort of sweater is that

Parker or some sort of sweater is that clo loud Howard what color is your shirt

clo loud Howard what color is your shirt is it a loud color what's wrong with you

is it a loud color what's wrong with you you are you all brain dead no we're male

you are you all brain dead no we're male you seem very upset maybe you could take

you seem very upset maybe you could take a pill for that stop trying to solve my

a pill for that stop trying to solve my problems you're all

[Music] so do you want to hear the most

so do you want to hear the most ridiculous thing it's what I live for

ridiculous thing it's what I live for our director of Human Resources thinks

our director of Human Resources thinks I'm a

I'm a woman is that funny or what looks like

woman is that funny or what looks like you need bigger pants I don't need

you need bigger pants I don't need bigger pants I I need smaller pants that

bigger pants I I need smaller pants that way I'll have incentive to lose

way I'll have incentive to lose weight but in the meantime I'll have to

weight but in the meantime I'll have to wear something

wear something else where did I put my sewing machine

else where did I put my sewing machine you don't own a sewing machine

really Mom can I borrow your sewing machine mine doesn't exist it's in the

machine mine doesn't exist it's in the sewing room

dear did you tell him yet I'm waiting for the Third trimester that's not going

for the Third trimester that's not going to work we have some major adjustments

to work we have some major adjustments to make here I need time to ease into

to make here I need time to ease into the grandmother thing and besides I

the grandmother thing and besides I could use a good laugh I hear

I didn't even know I could sew how do you like my new shirt I made it

you like my new shirt I made it myself I wouldn't call that a shirt of

myself I wouldn't call that a shirt of course it's a shirt I made it extra long

course it's a shirt I made it extra long so you can't tell I'm not wearing any

so you can't tell I'm not wearing any pants it's an innovation it's a dress

pants it's an innovation it's a dress you're just jealous but don't be I'm

you're just jealous but don't be I'm planning to sew you one of these for

planning to sew you one of these for your birthday H Dilbert I think dogbert

your birthday H Dilbert I think dogbert wants to tell you something really what

wants to tell you something really what sit down

down I wasn't going to tell you this until the third trimester but I see

until the third trimester but I see you're coming right along there so what

you're coming right along there so what are you talking about Dilbert you know

are you talking about Dilbert you know that experimental rocket that had its

that experimental rocket that had its way with you I wouldn't put it that way

way with you I wouldn't put it that way you will when we tell you what we know

you will when we tell you what we know the rocket had genetic material from a

the rocket had genetic material from a variety of sources a wide variety quite

variety of sources a wide variety quite varied maybe you could name a few

varied maybe you could name a few hillbilly space alien robot cow and

hillbilly space alien robot cow and several dozen Engineers wow do I make a

several dozen Engineers wow do I make a good life seeking rocket or what but

good life seeking rocket or what but that's not the best part what's the best

that's not the best part what's the best [Music]

part table for one obviously I need to see a doctor or at least a waiter right

see a doctor or at least a waiter right away what is your problem do I have to

away what is your problem do I have to say in front of the other customers yes

say in front of the other customers yes you do I'm pregnant with an alien baby

you do I'm pregnant with an alien baby or perhaps a cow or a hillbilly or a

or perhaps a cow or a hillbilly or a robot oh I recommend the Dr Eduardo

robot oh I recommend the Dr Eduardo table four he handles our Nut Cases I

table four he handles our Nut Cases I not a nut if I were a nut would I be

not a nut if I were a nut would I be dressed like

dressed like this good point points in that case I

this good point points in that case I recommend Dr Eduardo table four that's

recommend Dr Eduardo table four that's more like

it my name is Eduardo I will be your doctor May I get you a beverage ginger

doctor May I get you a beverage ginger ale please and what seems to be your

ale please and what seems to be your problem I think I'm

ah I don't see anything down there I don't think you can see that one take

don't think you can see that one take off your dress it's a shirt yes I will

off your dress it's a shirt yes I will be right back with your drinks great

be right back with your drinks great nothing to read but this menu and it's

nothing to read but this menu and it's probably been handled by a million sick

probably been handled by a million sick people already we can't afford an

people already we can't afford an ultrasound machine but our bus boy Juan

ultrasound machine but our bus boy Juan is the next best thing don't move I will

is the next best thing don't move I will make a sound wave and Juan will create a

make a sound wave and Juan will create a picture from the Sonic signature

picture from the Sonic signature [Music]

[Music] what's in there sweet Mother of

what's in there sweet Mother of God don't you think you're overreacting

God don't you think you're overreacting a

little next week on Dilbert what Dilbert's having a baby the baby might

Dilbert's having a baby the baby might be an alien or a robot or a cow or a

be an alien or a robot or a cow or a hillbilly or an engineer dime a dozen do

hillbilly or an engineer dime a dozen do your friends think you dress too sexy

your friends think you dress too sexy can you help me publish a book about my

can you help me publish a book about my pregnancy I need the money follow me how

pregnancy I need the money follow me how much news can you afford tonight we take

much news can you afford tonight we take you to meet this curious man in a story

you to meet this curious man in a story we call a womb with a stew Michael

we call a womb with a stew Michael Jackson already has an order in for

Jackson already has an order in for three of them join us tomorrow on

three of them join us tomorrow on primeline when we begin gavel to gavel

primeline when we begin gavel to gavel coverage of the fetus custody battle of

coverage of the fetus custody battle of the century please rise for the

the century please rise for the honorable Judge Stone called Steve

honorable Judge Stone called Steve Austin Austin 316 says order in

Austin Austin 316 says order in court it's coming

court it's coming [Music]

[Music] last time on

last time on Dilbert so I have programmed this to

Dilbert so I have programmed this to find any trace of Life gather samples

find any trace of Life gather samples and return directly to me with it's done

and return directly to me with it's done not

not yet the unfertilized eggs are ready for

yet the unfertilized eggs are ready for implanting in the surrogate

hillbilly it's artificial nanom machine [Applause]

DNA when do you expect it to return the only thing I know for sure is that it

only thing I know for sure is that it will return in the

will return in the end in a word he's pregnant knocked up

end in a word he's pregnant knocked up you'll tell him when he wait Wes up

you'll tell him when he wait Wes up won't you maybe in the third trimester

won't you maybe in the third trimester your new health maintenance organization

your new health maintenance organization will be somewhat less robust than the

will be somewhat less robust than the old one how much less they operate out

old one how much less they operate out of an Italian restaurant I need to see a

of an Italian restaurant I need to see a doctor or at least a waiter right away

doctor or at least a waiter right away don't move I will make a soundwave and

don't move I will make a soundwave and Juan will create a picture from the

Juan will create a picture from the Sonic

signature what's in there sweet Mother of

of God don't you think think you're

God don't you think think you're overreacting a

overreacting a little

little yeah and now for our opening title

yeah and now for our opening title sequence everyone sing along

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] hey

hey [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

are you telling me this is what's inside [Music]

[Music] me oh the ultrasound never lies that's

me oh the ultrasound never lies that's not ultrasound you're boss boy Drew this

not ultrasound you're boss boy Drew this sketch while you made booping sounds at

sketch while you made booping sounds at my stomach if you're not satisfied I can

my stomach if you're not satisfied I can take it off your bill uh let me speak

take it off your bill uh let me speak with the manager I'm sorry but I don't

with the manager I'm sorry but I don't believe my baby is a bowl of fruit and a

believe my baby is a bowl of fruit and a carefully draped tablecloth I want a

carefully draped tablecloth I want a second opinion how about a Seascape with

second opinion how about a Seascape with light coming through a wave very

light coming through a wave very beautiful I demand to see an actual

beautiful I demand to see an actual doctor your health plan doesn't cover

doctor your health plan doesn't cover that but I can offer you fresh ground

that but I can offer you fresh ground pepper warm to body temperature under my

arm great I have an unidentified baby in me and my health care plan doesn't

me and my health care plan doesn't include Health Care maybe you should

include Health Care maybe you should sell your story to the tabloids I could

sell your story to the tabloids I could never stoop so low here's a woman who

never stoop so low here's a woman who gave birth to 25 babies each one the

gave birth to 25 babies each one the size of a peanut they gave her a million

size of a peanut they gave her a million dollars and a cigar box to use as a

dollars and a cigar box to use as a nursery I don't need their money I still

nursery I don't need their money I still have a job I have savings for now so I

have a job I have savings for now so I understand I'm going to be an

understand I'm going to be an uncle unless it's a girl then I'll be an

uncle unless it's a girl then I'll be an aunt shouldn't you be swimming in the

aunt shouldn't you be swimming in the sewer or something I'm taking a

sewer or something I'm taking a shortcut so you're basically a pregnant

shortcut so you're basically a pregnant woman I hope you won't treat me any

woman I hope you won't treat me any differently would you mind buying the

differently would you mind buying the cake for a Shooks birthday celebration I

cake for a Shooks birthday celebration I don't mind I suddenly enjoy shopping for

don't mind I suddenly enjoy shopping for pastries but back to my point I don't

pastries but back to my point I don't want to be treated any differently

want to be treated any differently perish the thought by the way would you

perish the thought by the way would you mind planning our next offsite staff

mind planning our next offsite staff meeting I'll do it but only because I

meeting I'll do it but only because I want it done right that's the same

want it done right that's the same reason Alice always

reason Alice always gives sucker I think we should talk

gives sucker I think we should talk about maternity leave I ever tell you

about maternity leave I ever tell you about the woman who had 25 babies each

about the woman who had 25 babies each one the size of a peanut I fired her

one the size of a peanut I fired her before she delivered you can't fire

before she delivered you can't fire someone for being pregnant that's

someone for being pregnant that's against the law it was strictly for

against the law it was strictly for safety reasons I was afraid she'd go

safety reasons I was afraid she'd go into labor and start spraying those

into labor and start spraying those babies like a Tommy Gun someone could

babies like a Tommy Gun someone could have lost an eye that is discrimination

have lost an eye that is discrimination don't get your oversized panties in a

don't get your oversized panties in a bunch D Berta you got a good month

bunch D Berta you got a good month before your performance goes all to hell

before your performance goes all to hell and I fire you if I lose my job how will

and I fire you if I lose my job how will I afford this baby you should have

I afford this baby you should have thought of that before you became a

thought of that before you became a freak of nature my work will not be

freak of nature my work will not be affected by this pregnancy no one here

affected by this pregnancy no one here will even know about it unless you tell

will even know about it unless you tell them I'll try to hold it in

that's like holding in a sneeze I'm going to break a rib can I tell one

going to break a rib can I tell one person just one well if it hurts that

person just one well if it hurts that bad I guess one person would be

bad I guess one person would be okay what zilbert's having a

okay what zilbert's having a baby did you see the new coffee

baby did you see the new coffee mugs the skywriter spelled your name

mugs the skywriter spelled your name wrong but everyone knew what they meant

wrong but everyone knew what they meant if you give birth to a hideous alien

if you give birth to a hideous alien creature would you name it Wall-E why do

creature would you name it Wall-E why do you want a hideous creature named after

you want a hideous creature named after you someday I want to turn on the news

you someday I want to turn on the news and hear Wall-E destroys a small town

and hear Wall-E destroys a small town National Guard helpless if it's a girl

National Guard helpless if it's a girl monster name and Alice it's not a

monster name and Alice it's not a monster it's either an alien or a cow or

monster it's either an alien or a cow or a robot or a hillbilly or an engineer

a robot or a hillbilly or an engineer any one of those could destroy a town

any one of those could destroy a town not the cow if the cow is part alien it

not the cow if the cow is part alien it could well maybe if it shot fire out of

could well maybe if it shot fire out of its nostrils stop talking about my baby

its nostrils stop talking about my baby that way please leave me alone all right

that way please leave me alone all right I have to go plan the offsite meeting

I have to go plan the offsite meeting anyway um actually our pointy-haired

anyway um actually our pointy-haired boss asked me to do it this year you're

boss asked me to do it this year you're horning in on my turf can't fight my

horning in on my turf can't fight my money's on the pink one we're not going

money's on the pink one we're not going to fight we're going to collaborate and

to fight we're going to collaborate and support each other like sisters in this

support each other like sisters in this Bastion of

Bastion of testosterone yes that's right we are

testosterone yes that's right we are nice dress Dilbert I love what you're

nice dress Dilbert I love what you're doing with your hair

doing with your hair Alice which

Alice which [ __ ] are you telling me the company has

[ __ ] are you telling me the company has no maternity leave program well we

no maternity leave program well we believe that maternity benefits

believe that maternity benefits encourage unwed fathers to get pregnant

encourage unwed fathers to get pregnant that is

that is ridiculous is it people die of old age

ridiculous is it people die of old age so they can collect life insurance

so they can collect life insurance explain that that's your argument that

explain that that's your argument that doesn't even make sense

M I offer you some but some I'm selfish no wonder you're loopy that

selfish no wonder you're loopy that stuff will rot your

brain yeah as much as I love solving employee

employee problems I like making this noise even

problems I like making this noise even better wow man

that so you're saying I'll receive no maternity benefits Excuse me while I run

maternity benefits Excuse me while I run back and forth for no

wow I'll tell you what if you can squeeze out the little mutant during

squeeze out the little mutant during your coffee break I won't do your back

your coffee break I won't do your back [Music]

chances so what's your story listen up I need someone to play an angry quadr

need someone to play an angry quadr seexual for a 2:00

seexual for a 2:00 taping you report to Studio trip f

marry Studio C and lastly huge men who look like women and date tiny women who

look like women and date tiny women who look like men but are used as

handbags that's all for today uh excuse me I'm having a baby the hospital's one

me I'm having a baby the hospital's one street over no I mean it would be a good

street over no I mean it would be a good topic for a show people have babies all

topic for a show people have babies all the time what's your hook I'm a man

the time what's your hook I'm a man that's not enough enough what else you

that's not enough enough what else you got uh the baby might be an alien or a

got uh the baby might be an alien or a robot or a cow or a hillbilly or an

robot or a cow or a hillbilly or an engineer di a dozen do your friends

engineer di a dozen do your friends think you dress too sexy uh no one has

think you dress too sexy uh no one has mentioned it if your mother steals your

mentioned it if your mother steals your boyfriend call

me can you help me publish a book about my pregnancy I need the money are you

my pregnancy I need the money are you willing to wear a hidden microphone and

willing to wear a hidden microphone and incriminate your friends my only friend

incriminate your friends my only friend is dogbert dogbert is your friend why

is dogbert dogbert is your friend why didn't you say say so you know him we

didn't you say say so you know him we worked together during the Watergate

worked together during the Watergate scandal when his code name was deep

scandal when his code name was deep throat don't tell him I mentioned that

throat don't tell him I mentioned that about my book I'll help you but first we

about my book I'll help you but first we need to stir the pot stir the

need to stir the pot stir the pot what you have is a little story we

pot what you have is a little story we need to whip it into a big story how do

need to whip it into a big story how do we do

we do that follow me

that follow me [Music]

[Music] we'd like to see Mr Big he doesn't take

we'd like to see Mr Big he doesn't take visitors we're friends of dog Bird go

visitors we're friends of dog Bird go right

[Music] in how much news can you afford we want

in how much news can you afford we want a standard Seed story you get 10% of the

a standard Seed story you get 10% of the back end sounds fair what's a seed story

back end sounds fair what's a seed story I apologize for him he was raised in a

I apologize for him he was raised in a hollow tree a seed story is one that

hollow tree a seed story is one that will grow into a media frenzy once it

will grow into a media frenzy once it has been planted then the media frenzy

has been planted then the media frenzy replaces the original story and becomes

replaces the original story and becomes the bigger story that's how we

the bigger story that's how we manufacture the news but my story is

manufacture the news but my story is real I'm a pregnant man who doesn't know

real I'm a pregnant man who doesn't know who the genetic mother and father are

who the genetic mother and father are that's news no that's just a fascinating

that's news no that's just a fascinating fact it isn't News until we say it is

fact it isn't News until we say it is shall we stir the pot

CL we have a pregnant man genetic parents unknown I want Total saturation

parents unknown I want Total saturation let's do it

upright tonight on Prim line the case of the pregnant man who are the real

the pregnant man who are the real genetic parents aliens Hillbillies

genetic parents aliens Hillbillies robots cows or engine Engineers tonight

robots cows or engine Engineers tonight we take you to meet this curious man in

we take you to meet this curious man in a story we call a womb with a stew and

a story we call a womb with a stew and you've heard about this guy well he's

you've heard about this guy well he's sort of a guy and he's reportedly a

sort of a guy and he's reportedly a surrogate mother for an alien hillbilly

surrogate mother for an alien hillbilly robot engineer

robot engineer cowbaby Michael Jackson already has an

cowbaby Michael Jackson already has an order in for three of

order in for three of them part cow part engineer and do you

them part cow part engineer and do you think it'll spend a lot of nights

think it'll spend a lot of nights surfing the internet and milking itself

hey there he is leave us alone leave us alone very convincing who is Gilbert and

alone very convincing who is Gilbert and how will neighbors take to an alien in

how will neighbors take to an alien in their midst Americans are asking what is

their midst Americans are asking what is just have a seat off his drudge alien's

just have a seat off his drudge alien's Daddy dber can an alien baby love but

Daddy dber can an alien baby love but he's already asking the

he's already asking the questions done they'll get your side

questions done they'll get your side later this brings up the obvious

later this brings up the obvious question what are your feelings about

question what are your feelings about the upom Landmark custody battle over

the upom Landmark custody battle over your unborn custody battle there's no

your unborn custody battle there's no custody battle there will be tomorrow

custody battle there will be tomorrow join us tomorrow on primeline when we

join us tomorrow on primeline when we begin gavel to gavel coverage of the

begin gavel to gavel coverage of the fetus custody battle of the century in a

fetus custody battle of the century in a story we call It's a Wonderful

story we call It's a Wonderful Strife I'm already casting the

Strife I'm already casting the miniseries in my head I don't know if

miniseries in my head I don't know if you can hear me in there Studies have

you can hear me in there Studies have been

been inconclusive unfortunately you're the

inconclusive unfortunately you're the only one I can talk to right now don't

only one I can talk to right now don't take this the wrong way but I don't mind

take this the wrong way but I don't mind losing the custody battle I'm not

losing the custody battle I'm not exactly qualified to be a parent I'm

exactly qualified to be a parent I'm more than happy to let you go to a

more than happy to let you go to a better home with real parents but if

better home with real parents but if custody is awarded to the wrong people

custody is awarded to the wrong people and there are plenty of those I'll

and there are plenty of those I'll protect you with everything I've got

protect you with everything I've got little guy if you agree kick twice if

little guy if you agree kick twice if you disagree kick just once

if you at home would like to vote on who you would prefer to be awarded custody

you would prefer to be awarded custody of the mystery fetus call 90055 51234

of the mystery fetus call 90055 51234 each call is $4 proceeds will be donated

each call is $4 proceeds will be donated to someone but don't ask to see a re I

to someone but don't ask to see a re I hope this doesn't become

hope this doesn't become undignified please rise for the

undignified please rise for the honorable Judge Stone called Steve

honorable Judge Stone called Steve Austin

[Applause] [Music]

[Applause] since when did Stone Cold become a judge

since when did Stone Cold become a judge both sides wave their rights to him an

both sides wave their rights to him an actual judge we did he's very big with

actual judge we did he's very big with the team demographic we'll get pick up

the team demographic we'll get pick up on all the networks what about Justice

on all the networks what about Justice it didn't do well with the focus

groups Austin 316 says order in court let's have opening arguments in the

let's have opening arguments in the custody case of Dilbert versus Aliens

custody case of Dilbert versus Aliens robots cows Hillbillies a billionaire

robots cows Hillbillies a billionaire and 17 Engineers your honor my clients

and 17 Engineers your honor my clients demand custody of the baby in Dilbert's

demand custody of the baby in Dilbert's womb or stomach or upper colon whatever

womb or stomach or upper colon whatever it is they believe they can give it a

it is they believe they can give it a more wholesome family

more wholesome family life they want to raise the child

life they want to raise the child together they make a very effective

together they make a very effective family unit for one thing you'll never

family unit for one thing you'll never want for milk and you've got your alien

want for milk and you've got your alien technology for fighting diseases you've

technology for fighting diseases you've got your Billionaire's resources your

got your Billionaire's resources your robots for domestic chores and your

robots for domestic chores and your Hillbillies for for uh if you got a

Hillbillies for for uh if you got a woodchuck's problem we'll kill them and

woodchuck's problem we'll kill them and cook them exactly and 17 Engineers to

cook them exactly and 17 Engineers to explain things no matter how much you

explain things no matter how much you insist you don't need to know if I may

insist you don't need to know if I may elaborate on that

I you make a strong case so let's begin the character

the character assassination is it true you annihilated

assassination is it true you annihilated the planet of NEP 5 a world inhabited

the planet of NEP 5 a world inhabited entirely by teddy bears

s sometimes in a meeting Dilbert will pick up a shook our intern and just

pick up a shook our intern and just shake the pesas out of them so you admit

shake the pesas out of them so you admit that you chew

cud all I'm saying is that when we collect money to buy someone a birthday

collect money to buy someone a birthday card it always comes back lighter after

card it always comes back lighter after Dilbert has the envelope I've heard

Dilbert has the envelope I've heard enough I prepared to award custody to

enough I prepared to award custody to the freaks wait I haven't had a chance

the freaks wait I haven't had a chance to speak on my own behalf we have two

to speak on my own behalf we have two more minutes Stone Cold you've got two

more minutes Stone Cold you've got two minutes I'll put Plan B in De motion At

minutes I'll put Plan B in De motion At first I felt I was nothing more than

first I felt I was nothing more than luggage for the fetus inside me but over

luggage for the fetus inside me but over time I've developed feelings for this

time I've developed feelings for this baby I didn't understand them at first

baby I didn't understand them at first but now I know they are feelings of

but now I know they are feelings of motherly

motherly [Laughter]

love my only goal is to do what's best for this baby maybe maybe that means I

for this baby maybe maybe that means I don't raise it myself but I will never

don't raise it myself but I will never ever turn my baby over to

ever turn my baby over to them they don't care about this baby

them they don't care about this baby they each have their own selfish motives

they each have their own selfish motives whatever you decide Judge Stone Cold

whatever you decide Judge Stone Cold please use your wisdom and compassion in

please use your wisdom and compassion in making your

making your decision thank

decision thank you you want compassion take your ass to

you you want compassion take your ass to church custody is awarded to The

church custody is awarded to The Freaks and that's the bottom line

Freaks and that's the bottom line C Stone Cold

I think my water's going to break oh there's a lot in there we're ready ready

[Music] hurry if this works you'll be safe and

hurry if this works you'll be safe and loved

loved [Music]

[Music] wait I'll give you a billion dollars for

wait I'll give you a billion dollars for the

the baby that's billion with a

baby that's billion with a b

no oh my where did you send it Dilbert think of it as a student Exchange

think of it as a student Exchange program mom did it look like you in a

program mom did it look like you in a lot of ways it

[Music] did ever since we sent our only child

did ever since we sent our only child away when we thought our planet was to

away when we thought our planet was to be destroyed we have been so lonely who

be destroyed we have been so lonely who knew our planet would survive the

knew our planet would survive the cataclysm the weather reports are never

cataclysm the weather reports are never accurate

[Music] I wonder if that's the package from dog

I wonder if that's the package from dog bird

I'm sure you all remember the disaster at last year's picnic when our wieners

at last year's picnic when our wieners turned out to be

turned out to be defective I almost lost an eye but the

defective I almost lost an eye but the Buns were excellent yes they were but

Buns were excellent yes they were but this year we can't rest on our buns no

this year we can't rest on our buns no matter how plump and delicious they

matter how plump and delicious they might be you will not make this a

might be you will not make this a hostile work environment good Lord man

hostile work environment good Lord man why don't you just rub steak sauce on my

why don't you just rub steak sauce on my body and drag me from the back of a

body and drag me from the back of a fishing boat does anyone know what

fishing boat does anyone know what Wally's talking about well I'm no expert

Wally's talking about well I'm no expert on Psychopaths but I'd say he's afraid

on Psychopaths but I'd say he's afraid of the Ann ual marketing versus

of the Ann ual marketing versus engineering softball game it's that time

engineering softball game it's that time of year when we sporty people in

of year when we sporty people in marketing give you Engineers your annual

marketing give you Engineers your annual lesson in humility are you actually

lesson in humility are you actually proud of the fact that you spent your

proud of the fact that you spent your youth guzzling beer and playing sports

youth guzzling beer and playing sports just so you could excel at the

just so you could excel at the picnicking Arts I don't think I'm

picnicking Arts I don't think I'm telling Tales out of school and by

telling Tales out of school and by school I mean our fine local community

school I mean our fine local community colleges when I say ABS a positively

colleges when I say ABS a positively that means

that means yes while you were learning to crush

yes while you were learning to crush beer cans on your foreheads we future

beer cans on your foreheads we future engineers were developing our minds uh

engineers were developing our minds uh I'm not following you me neither

I'm not following you me neither something about beer forget it I think

something about beer forget it I think it's safe to say that the market gurus

it's safe to say that the market gurus will clean the field with you losers for

will clean the field with you losers for the 10th year in a row not this year my

the 10th year in a row not this year my friend the crapulous rule can we get a

friend the crapulous rule can we get a new name for our team I hate being a

new name for our team I hate being a crapulent you got any better ideas no

crapulent you got any better ideas no that's settled now let's make some

that's settled now let's make some wiener related decisions do we want

wiener related decisions do we want chicken or beef both very EX expensive

chicken or beef both very EX expensive in allowing no budget for beer or a new

in allowing no budget for beer or a new lowcost alternative that I own stock in

lowcost alternative that I own stock in called zoo no more I like that last one

called zoo no more I like that last one good choice now how do we want them

good choice now how do we want them cooked I apologize for my tardiness but

cooked I apologize for my tardiness but there was a fire in one of the research

there was a fire in one of the research Labs would someone please extinguish me

Labs would someone please extinguish me what is it with you young interns it's

what is it with you young interns it's always me me me how about being a team

always me me me how about being a team player just once in your life sit down a

player just once in your life sit down a shook we have important work here may I

shook we have important work here may I roll around on the carpet first yes but

roll around on the carpet first yes but it counts as vacation time I am only an

it counts as vacation time I am only an intern I have so few vacation

much can we get this over with that Aroma burning flesh is making me hungry

Aroma burning flesh is making me hungry me too boy I'll say hold

me too boy I'll say hold on am I the only one who isn't crazy

on am I the only one who isn't crazy about hot dogs made from old zebra meat

about hot dogs made from old zebra meat don't forget about that silky shiny

don't forget about that silky shiny mouth watering zebra

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] yes

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

Vern Wegman he was captain of the only engineering team that ever beat

engineering team that ever beat marketing at softball how is that even

marketing at softball how is that even possible it was the year they used an

possible it was the year they used an electronic scoreboard Vern rigged it

electronic scoreboard Vern rigged it they won by the score of 162 to 159

they won by the score of 162 to 159 despite the fact no engineer ever got on

despite the fact no engineer ever got on base hey you're letting the cold in

base hey you're letting the cold in you're alive I retired I didn't die you

you're alive I retired I didn't die you nitwit read the little

nitwit read the little sign Vern Wegman left the company in

sign Vern Wegman left the company in 1982 and is now employed as his own bust

1982 and is now employed as his own bust several inches from this sign why would

several inches from this sign why would you agree to do this apparently you

you agree to do this apparently you haven't looked at your pension plan too

haven't looked at your pension plan too closely I made the same mistake at your

closely I made the same mistake at your age now I'm getting paid $2 an hour and

age now I'm getting paid $2 an hour and I'm glad to have it tell us about the

I'm glad to have it tell us about the day you beat marketing press this

it it started as just another softball game between marketing and

game between marketing and Engineering in the later Innings as was

Engineering in the later Innings as was their custom the marketing team was

their custom the marketing team was ricocheting their home runs off the

ricocheting their home runs off the heads of the opposing

team in times like these sometimes heroes are

heroes are [Applause]

[Applause] born burn weitman was just such a hero I

born burn weitman was just such a hero I get goosebumps during this burn riged

get goosebumps during this burn riged the electronic scoreboard so he could

the electronic scoreboard so he could control it

control it remotely he was an

remotely he was an unscrupulous

unscrupulous uncoordinated cheating

uncoordinated cheating weasel in a word he was a hero didn't

weasel in a word he was a hero didn't you feel guilty cheating you know how

you feel guilty cheating you know how you still have a shred of self-respect

you still have a shred of self-respect yes you'll get over it I don't think I

yes you'll get over it I don't think I will you'd

better I know you're all afraid of being humiliated by the marketing department

humiliated by the marketing department softball team but remember you have a

softball team but remember you have a secret weapon what is it have me as your

secret weapon what is it have me as your player coach we'll start with some

player coach we'll start with some infield

practice ball [Music]

[Music] one what's he doing I think he's going

one what's he doing I think he's going for the walk way to go

I think we need a new player coach preferably someone who isn't a total

preferably someone who isn't a total Wall-E what exactly do you mean by that

Wall-E what exactly do you mean by that we use your name as a pejorative now you

we use your name as a pejorative now you do yeah you know as in he's a total

do yeah you know as in he's a total Wall-E or I've got to take a Wall-E that

Wall-E or I've got to take a Wall-E that sort of thing H it's

sort of thing H it's catchy I think I know the perfect player

catchy I think I know the perfect player coach for

coach for us so what do you think coach I think I

us so what do you think coach I think I have my work cut out for me listen up

have my work cut out for me listen up we'll start with the basics hitting a

we'll start with the basics hitting a baseball is the most difficult thing in

baseball is the most difficult thing in all of sports but getting hit by a pitch

all of sports but getting hit by a pitch is the easiest in this drill you'll

is the easiest in this drill you'll learn how to stand directly on the

plate good next time try running toward the pitcher in Anger it's much more

the pitcher in Anger it's much more convincing this is slow pitch softball

convincing this is slow pitch softball I'm pretty sure you don't get on base if

I'm pretty sure you don't get on base if you get hit by a pitch now let's hope

you get hit by a pitch now let's hope the other team doesn't know know that

ice you got to stay hydrated and by you I mean

I mean me I've assessed your abilities and

me I've assessed your abilities and assigned positions Wall-E your second

assigned positions Wall-E your second base I don't know how to play second

base I don't know how to play second base it's easy just wear white canvas

base it's easy just wear white canvas clothing and lie on the ground for nine

clothing and lie on the ground for nine innings I can do that a shook there's

innings I can do that a shook there's some confusion over whether you're

some confusion over whether you're right-handed or

right-handed or left-handed throw me the ball with your

left-handed throw me the ball with your right

hand now the left [Music]

hand n of the above I'm putting you on first base my

above I'm putting you on first base my catching Talent isn't anything to email

catching Talent isn't anything to email home about either I'll just stand there

home about either I'll just stand there with your arms slightly away from your

with your arms slightly away from your side we might just get lucky and wedge

side we might just get lucky and wedge one in there very good Alice we're a

one in there very good Alice we're a little short-handed so you're playing

little short-handed so you're playing catcher and center fielder at the same

catcher and center fielder at the same time it's always the woman who has to

time it's always the woman who has to work twice as hard pointy haired boss

work twice as hard pointy haired boss you're on the Hot Corner Dilbert you'll

you're on the Hot Corner Dilbert you'll be pitching okay good pitching always

be pitching okay good pitching always beats good hitting although I realize

beats good hitting although I realize it's meaningless unless the term good is

it's meaningless unless the term good is defined in both cases and even then it's

defined in both cases and even then it's only a matter of likelihood not a sure

thing in fact I don't even know why I said it can crappy pitching beat good

said it can crappy pitching beat good hitting too I don't think so

hitting too I don't think so oh ah Dilbert our star pitcher did I

oh ah Dilbert our star pitcher did I mention that your career depends on us

mention that your career depends on us winning the softball game against

winning the softball game against marketing why are you putting all the

marketing why are you putting all the pressure on me I'm just one player

pressure on me I'm just one player you're the pitcher good pitching always

you're the pitcher good pitching always always beats good hitting you said so

always beats good hitting you said so yourself but it's not accurate it's just

yourself but it's not accurate it's just something people say well they couldn't

something people say well they couldn't say it if it wasn't true yes they could

say it if it wasn't true yes they could you lie to us every day oh that's not

you lie to us every day oh that's not lying that's

lying that's managing Studies have shown there's a

managing Studies have shown there's a big difference what studies you know

big difference what studies you know studies various ones you're managing me

studies various ones you're managing me right now aren't you see Wally

right now aren't you see Wally understands

understands woo this is disgusting can't you at

woo this is disgusting can't you at least pretend not to look that's like

least pretend not to look that's like holding in a sneeze you could crack a

holding in a sneeze you could crack a rib she must be new and engineering

rib she must be new and engineering that's impossible there are no

that's impossible there are no attractive women in engineering what are

attractive women in engineering what are you talking about look at me I can no

you talking about look at me I can no longer see your physical Beauty Alice

longer see your physical Beauty Alice it's overwhelmed by uh your professional

it's overwhelmed by uh your professional competence oh I guess that's all right

competence oh I guess that's all right hi I'm from marketing I hope you don't

hi I'm from marketing I hope you don't mind me drinking the coffee in the

mind me drinking the coffee in the engineering breakroom you mind us

engineering breakroom you mind us looking at you walks as good as a hit I

looking at you walks as good as a hit I mind that gets charged against your cost

mind that gets charged against your cost center my name is Juliet what's yours my

center my name is Juliet what's yours my what your name oh I I'm I'm Dilbert and

what your name oh I I'm I'm Dilbert and this

this is I forget and this is it doesn't

is I forget and this is it doesn't matter I'm just fine and you I'm

matter I'm just fine and you I'm mortified well that's an unusual name

mortified well that's an unusual name for an unusual woman it's not my name

for an unusual woman it's not my name but thank you now I'm all confused I

but thank you now I'm all confused I guess I'll see at the company picnic

guess I'll see at the company picnic [Music]

I guess you will it was very nice to meet you

meet you Dilbert forget her Dilbert it'll never

Dilbert forget her Dilbert it'll never work what do you mean Dilbert she was

work what do you mean Dilbert she was flirting with me you think it can't work

flirting with me you think it can't work because she's in marketing that's only

because she's in marketing that's only the half of it she's going to see you

the half of it she's going to see you play softball you're right not only will

play softball you're right not only will she see how uncoordinated you are but

she see how uncoordinated you are but she will also see you in shorts this

she will also see you in shorts this isn't good I'd love to chat but I have

isn't good I'd love to chat but I have to go down to the wiener District to buy

to go down to the wiener District to buy some meat for the picnic there's a

some meat for the picnic there's a wiener

blood oh too expensive this one looks about right hey

expensive this one looks about right hey buddy only suckers pay retail I don't

buddy only suckers pay retail I don't want to be a sucker best prices best

want to be a sucker best prices best selection in all of Wier toown how do I

selection in all of Wier toown how do I know they're good

know they're good can I borrow your

this are you sure this is what athletes are wearing now you said you didn't want

are wearing now you said you didn't want your legs to show I'm just trying to

your legs to show I'm just trying to help it's important because Juliet will

help it's important because Juliet will be seeing me outside the office for the

be seeing me outside the office for the first time sounds like you have a zone

first time sounds like you have a zone of competence problem a what women are

of competence problem a what women are only impressed by men who excel at

only impressed by men who excel at whatever they're doing it's an evolution

whatever they're doing it's an evolution thing in your case that means

thing in your case that means engineering if she sees you outside of

engineering if she sees you outside of engineering you'll look like a wounded

engineering you'll look like a wounded gazelle who needs to be thinned from the

gazelle who needs to be thinned from the herd man I wish we were debugging source

herd man I wish we were debugging source code

code Instead at least you look great thanks

Instead at least you look great thanks to me you're positive this is what

to me you're positive this is what everyone is wearing for workouts the

everyone is wearing for workouts the stores are full of them

stores are full of them [Music]

this might actually be fun I know I'm planning to enjoy

it is it my imagination or are people staring at me you're wearing new

staring at me you're wearing new sneakers right yes now that's probably

why yes I get to break the news hey guys ready for the big game Wally has

ready for the big game Wally has something to tell you wait I must

something to tell you wait I must capture this moment it is my duty n my

capture this moment it is my duty n my privilege n just a guilty pleasure to

privilege n just a guilty pleasure to inform you that you are wearing women's

inform you that you are wearing women's clothing what the outfit the get up it's

clothing what the outfit the get up it's a woman's exercise

outfit we should call him bird can I take one more for safety I thought you

take one more for safety I thought you said everyone was wearing these clothes

said everyone was wearing these clothes I meant everyone who's a woman I might

I meant everyone who's a woman I might have left that part out yes now what am

have left that part out yes now what am I going to do I can't take the field

I going to do I can't take the field looking like this calm down I have a

looking like this calm down I have a spare set of shorts in my picnic basket

spare set of shorts in my picnic basket you can wear those over your thong I'll

you can wear those over your thong I'll never be able to run in these just

never be able to run in these just tighten the belt and tie the legs tight

tighten the belt and tie the legs tight you'll be fine

hi Juliet remember me we shared a coffee stirer I brought it with me in case you

stirer I brought it with me in case you need it again um thank you that was um

need it again um thank you that was um sweet it was weird is what it was she's

sweet it was weird is what it was she's not your type Shakespeare just move

not your type Shakespeare just move along there's no law that says Engineers

along there's no law that says Engineers can't date women for marketing it's more

can't date women for marketing it's more complicated than that Dilbert I'm a

complicated than that Dilbert I'm a market girl you're a crapulent our work

market girl you're a crapulent our work groups would never understand but we can

groups would never understand but we can get past that Juliet I have you playing

get past that Juliet I have you playing 2B 2B that means second base stay away

2B 2B that means second base stay away from her you've been

from her you've been warned I'll be playing 2B if you make it

warned I'll be playing 2B if you make it that far we can talk there second base

that far we can talk there second base no engineer has ever gotten that far

no engineer has ever gotten that far softball is outside my zone of

softball is outside my zone of competence you have to for us for

competence you have to for us for us I'll make it

us I'll make it Juliet I have to

Juliet I have to go to be or not to be that is the

go to be or not to be that is the question I didn't have time to buy buns

question I didn't have time to buy buns but I think you'll find this just as

but I think you'll find this just as good hey give me a hot dog bring on meat

good hey give me a hot dog bring on meat pops settle down we've got enough for

everyone I'll see you on second base I'll count the minutes that is it you

I'll count the minutes that is it you stinking crap you at on gu

stinking crap you at on gu [Music]

[Music] Dilbert that would have looked so

Dilbert that would have looked so impressive nice try though

impressive nice try though Dilbert let that be a lesson to you

Dilbert let that be a lesson to you crapulent never try to date a market

crapulent never try to date a market Guru

Guru [Music]

the key to this game is to demoralize them from the

them from the [Music]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] they're not as demoralized as I had

they're not as demoralized as I had hoped Dilbert your lead off according to

hoped Dilbert your lead off according to my research the leadoff batter should be

my research the leadoff batter should be the player most likely to get on base

the player most likely to get on base [Music]

exactly huh huh [Music]

[Music] uh-oh you hit the batter he gets first

uh-oh you hit the batter he gets first base I hit his pants not him pants are

base I hit his pants not him pants are part of the

player oh man [Music]

I will be with you soon my love give Dilbert the signal to Steel second

Dilbert the signal to Steel second Dilbert steel

Dilbert steel second I meant the hand signal oh you

second I meant the hand signal oh you run second base I hope they don't steal

run second base I hope they don't steal our

together what's wrong with [Music]

[Music] Dilbert this is your

Dilbert this is your [Music]

[Music] chance Gilbert I wonder if it was

chance Gilbert I wonder if it was something they

ate probably the potato salad [Music]

[Music] Juliet you're okay it must have been the

Juliet you're okay it must have been the hot dogs I think they were

hot dogs I think they were bad I'm so glad you're the only person

bad I'm so glad you're the only person in marketing who didn't eat them oh I

in marketing who didn't eat them oh I wish that were

wish that were true oh

true oh no we'll take her to the hospital with

no we'll take her to the hospital with the others and pump her stomach but when

the others and pump her stomach but when she gets reunited with the others

she gets reunited with the others they'll keep us apart I can't let that

they'll keep us apart I can't let that happen I won't there's nothing you can

happen I won't there's nothing you can do about it Romeo we we'll see about

that hey oh no look I've got food poisoning too you

no look I've got food poisoning too you have to take me to the hospital and pump

have to take me to the hospital and pump my stomach we'd like to share an

my stomach we'd like to share an ambulance well I guess that would be

ambulance well I guess that would be okay I can't believe you fell for that

okay I can't believe you fell for that joke I didn't eat the hot dogs I was

joke I didn't eat the hot dogs I was just kidding around with

just kidding around with you you even have a sense of humor I

you you even have a sense of humor I love you more than ever oh wow you

love you more than ever oh wow you really ate a poison hot dog just to be

really ate a poison hot dog just to be with me that is so sweet incredibly

with me that is so sweet incredibly stupid but

stupid but sweet really stupid the stupidity far

sweet really stupid the stupidity far outweighs the

outweighs the sweetness but the craziest part about

sweetness but the craziest part about this is that it was still the best Aid I

this is that it was still the best Aid I ever had

ever had [Music]

[Music] that only took 15 minutes they're very

that only took 15 minutes they're very good the whole thing was only 1995 you

good the whole thing was only 1995 you didn't take any of the extras did you

didn't take any of the extras did you that's how they get you I was very

that's how they get you I was very thirsty uh-oh you know they don't have

thirsty uh-oh you know they don't have water fountains in that place

water fountains in that place they sold me a glass of ginger ale for

they sold me a glass of ginger ale for $3,000 but it was worth it I really miss

$3,000 but it was worth it I really miss Juliet I think she really like me like

Juliet I think she really like me like is a strong word it's possible you like

is a strong word it's possible you like me you f a special place in my life in

me you f a special place in my life in your heart on the couch your head blocks

your heart on the couch your head blocks the light from the lamp so it doesn't

the light from the lamp so it doesn't get in my eyes

get in my eyes [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

what are you doing I'm posting false information on the web why it's fun

information on the web why it's fun someone picks up a strand of false

someone picks up a strand of false information spreads it around and before

information spreads it around and before you know it a panic is created then you

you know it a panic is created then you just sit back and watch the chaos and

just sit back and watch the chaos and figure out a way to exploit it no doubt

figure out a way to exploit it no doubt you say that as if it's a bad thing I

you say that as if it's a bad thing I don't think that is what the worldwide

don't think that is what the worldwide web was created for Ah that's where

web was created for Ah that's where you're wrong do you have any idea how

you're wrong do you have any idea how difficult it was to spread rumors before

difficult it was to spread rumors before mailings cold calling sometimes I had to

mailings cold calling sometimes I had to go door too it was a real pain thanks to

go door too it was a real pain thanks to the new tech technology my productivity

the new tech technology my productivity has increased just in the last couple of

has increased just in the last couple of years I've been able to create fear

years I've been able to create fear about cell phones power lines and organ

about cell phones power lines and organ theft Rings you must be very proud it's

theft Rings you must be very proud it's fulfilling well the last thing I want to

fulfilling well the last thing I want to do right now is sit in front of a

do right now is sit in front of a computer screen my neck is all stiff and

computer screen my neck is all stiff and I'm blurry eyed from sitting all day in

I'm blurry eyed from sitting all day in my cubicle staring at one H you don't

my cubicle staring at one H you don't say what are you doing now do you ever

say what are you doing now do you ever feel anxious tired or depressed in your

feel anxious tired or depressed in your cubicle I've never felt any other way

cubicle I've never felt any other way chaing symptoms include blurred vision

chaing symptoms include blurred vision muscle joint pain anxiety fatigue

muscle joint pain anxiety fatigue depression the conclusion is inescapable

depression the conclusion is inescapable symptoms of what what conclusion an

symptoms of what what conclusion an epidemic of chronic cubical syndrome did

epidemic of chronic cubical syndrome did you say chronic cubical syndrome hearing

you say chronic cubical syndrome hearing loss you just made that up correction I

loss you just made that up correction I have discovered a here to for

have discovered a here to for undiagnosed condition there is no such

undiagnosed condition there is no such thing as chronic cubicle syndrome

thing as chronic cubicle syndrome initially victims exhibit denial but you

initially victims exhibit denial but you have no proof oh I have something much

have no proof oh I have something much better than proof anecdotal evidence who

better than proof anecdotal evidence who do you think would be dumb enough to

do you think would be dumb enough to believe anecdotal evidence oh I've

believe anecdotal evidence oh I've narrowed my target market to people I

narrowed my target market to people I have news for you we people are smarter

have news for you we people are smarter than we look how hard would that be

than we look how hard would that be really personally I require scientific

really personally I require scientific evidence before I believe anything no

evidence before I believe anything no you don't yes I do no you only think you

you don't yes I do no you only think you do but in fact you rely on media reports

do but in fact you rely on media reports that scientific evidence exists you

that scientific evidence exists you don't actually see the evidence yourself

don't actually see the evidence yourself I don't have time to read all the

I don't have time to read all the scientific studies myself oh so you're

scientific studies myself oh so you're not gullible you're just busy that's

not gullible you're just busy that's right so when I tell people they have

right so when I tell people they have chronic cubicle syndrome they won't be

chronic cubicle syndrome they won't be gullible they'll be busy just like you

gullible they'll be busy just like you you're being ridiculous other symptoms

you're being ridiculous other symptoms include poor perception I do not have

include poor perception I do not have poor perception irritability stop that

poor perception irritability stop that stop it right now bouts of irrational

stop it right now bouts of irrational shouting are you trying to make me crazy

shouting are you trying to make me crazy paranoia now what

paranoia now what now my ghost writer will put the

now my ghost writer will put the finishing touches on the book you've

finishing touches on the book you've been writing a book while we've been

been writing a book while we've been talking I know how that sounds and you'd

talking I know how that sounds and you'd be right

be right Raper how may I be of service to you

Raper how may I be of service to you higher life forms you can't publish a

higher life forms you can't publish a book about an unproven medical condition

book about an unproven medical condition apparently you haven't been to the

apparently you haven't been to the bookstore lately proofread publish

bookstore lately proofread publish distribute

Roger we're very fortunate to live in the time time of dog bird this isn't

the time time of dog bird this isn't happening add delusions to the symptoms

happening add delusions to the symptoms list you got it

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

we're talking with the bestselling author of chronic cubical syndrome if

author of chronic cubical syndrome if you think you've got it you've got it

you think you've got it you've got it dogbert dogbert welcome could you repeat

dogbert dogbert welcome could you repeat the name of the book uh sure chronic

the name of the book uh sure chronic cubicle syndrome if you think you've got

cubicle syndrome if you think you've got it you've got it how about you honey

it you've got it how about you honey this is an equal opportunity condition

this is an equal opportunity condition okay chronic cubical syndrome if you

okay chronic cubical syndrome if you think you've got it you've got it now Mr

think you've got it you've got it now Mr dogbert tell us what exactly is chronic

dogbert tell us what exactly is chronic cubicle syndrome oh I can't divulge that

cubicle syndrome oh I can't divulge that information you'll have to buy the book

information you'll have to buy the book what's it called again nice try I can

what's it called again nice try I can tell you that millions of people suffer

tell you that millions of people suffer from chronic cubicle syndrome it's a

from chronic cubicle syndrome it's a worldwide epidemic how would one know if

worldwide epidemic how would one know if one had chronic cubicle

one had chronic cubicle syndrome if you think you've got it

syndrome if you think you've got it you've got it is there any scientific

you've got it is there any scientific evidence to support your claim the best

evidence to support your claim the best kind it's called

anecdotal this is preposterous I'm a scientist and I tell you all that

scientist and I tell you all that anecdotal evidence is worthless talk to

anecdotal evidence is worthless talk to the

hand you certainly made him look like a boob we get all kinds I think we all

boob we get all kinds I think we all know from past experience that the

know from past experience that the scientific and medical community will

scientific and medical community will try to suppress this information behind

try to suppress this information behind red tape and double blind studies until

red tape and double blind studies until it's too late how many people have to

it's too late how many people have to die sir

die sir yeah it says in your bio that you're a

yeah it says in your bio that you're a doctor but our producer checked with the

doctor but our producer checked with the medical boards and we find no record of

medical boards and we find no record of you how do you explain that talk to the

you how do you explain that talk to the [Applause]

[Applause] hand there you have it our next Market

hand there you have it our next Market opportunity chronic cubicle syndrome I

opportunity chronic cubicle syndrome I hate to break it to you but there's no

hate to break it to you but there's no such thing as chronic cubical syndrome

such thing as chronic cubical syndrome I've heard of it you've heard of it

I've heard of it you've heard of it because it was just on TV so I think I

because it was just on TV so I think I have chronic cubical syndrome does it

have chronic cubical syndrome does it make your butt wider I'm losing muscle

make your butt wider I'm losing muscle tone I wondered what was causing that

tone I wondered what was causing that sometimes I feel like I am surrounded by

sometimes I feel like I am surrounded by n poops I believe that is a symptom of

n poops I believe that is a symptom of CCS Wally what's it say if this is a

CCS Wally what's it say if this is a ventriloquism act it's better with a

ventriloquism act it's better with a dummy I mean the tape measure calm down

dummy I mean the tape measure calm down there is no such thing as chronic

there is no such thing as chronic cubicle syndrome

cubicle syndrome Dilbert I value your input now who wants

Dilbert I value your input now who wants to develop a product to combat chronic

to develop a product to combat chronic cubicle syndrome first of all we're not

cubicle syndrome first of all we're not a pharmaceutical company second we're

a pharmaceutical company second we're Engineers not biochemists Dilbert I

Engineers not biochemists Dilbert I value your input now who wants to help

value your input now who wants to help Dilbert develop a product to combat

Dilbert develop a product to combat chronic cubicle syndrome hands you know

chronic cubicle syndrome hands you know the facts are completely against us here

the facts are completely against us here all right hang on here you know in our

all right hang on here you know in our man rush to cash in on this horrible

man rush to cash in on this horrible condition before the competition and

condition before the competition and before the class action suits get filed

before the class action suits get filed are we perhaps getting ahead of

are we perhaps getting ahead of ourselves what is our moral

ourselves what is our moral responsibility yes that is exactly what

responsibility yes that is exactly what I'm saying perhaps we need further

I'm saying perhaps we need further research yes perhaps further study yes

research yes perhaps further study yes well who's got time for that you PR no

well who's got time for that you PR no we need to create some favorable facts

we need to create some favorable facts first now favorable facts yes favorable

first now favorable facts yes favorable facts the other kind are worthless now

facts the other kind are worthless now let's see let's see we could flip a coin

let's see let's see we could flip a coin too risky we could test humans that's

too risky we could test humans that's always fun what about monkeys or rabbits

always fun what about monkeys or rabbits or puppies we've had some success

or puppies we've had some success hurting them in the past haven't we

hurting them in the past haven't we Dilbert could do some tests on mice mice

Dilbert could do some tests on mice mice are full of favorable facts very good

are full of favorable facts very good mice it

mice it is this is ridiculous but at least

is this is ridiculous but at least that's vaguely scientific I'll need a

that's vaguely scientific I'll need a bud to get some mice say what we're not

bud to get some mice say what we're not paying for mice good God man the streets

paying for mice good God man the streets are full of them it looks so real w-e

are full of them it looks so real w-e did you bring the

did you bring the cheese yes it's delicious and now the

cheese yes it's delicious and now the mouse technically I'm a rat not a mouse

mouse technically I'm a rat not a mouse I know but you're all we could afford on

I know but you're all we could afford on our budget that's the nicest thing

our budget that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me

no signs of chronic cubicle syndrome yet he looks listless and bored that doesn't

he looks listless and bored that doesn't mean

mean anything my co-workers are idiots idiots

anything my co-workers are idiots idiots I say only I and I alone know all the

I say only I and I alone know all the answers you can't tell me that's not

answers you can't tell me that's not chronic cubicle syndrome we haven't

chronic cubicle syndrome we haven't established causation yet I'm wasting my

established causation yet I'm wasting my life in here there's no career path I

life in here there's no career path I want stock options I think my boss hates

want stock options I think my boss hates me because of the way he looks at me in

me because of the way he looks at me in the meetings why do the objectives keep

the meetings why do the objectives keep changing I am so customer focused you

changing I am so customer focused you are not customer focused let's just say

are not customer focused let's just say further study is

needed we're in start pouring the shampagne Happy Days Are Here Again wait

shampagne Happy Days Are Here Again wait wait with just one rat we don't think

wait with just one rat we don't think any conclusions can be drawn oh we'll

any conclusions can be drawn oh we'll draw conclusions all right you can be

draw conclusions all right you can be sure of that take this to the boys in

sure of that take this to the boys in the statistical Distortion Department

the statistical Distortion Department they'll fix the data for you tell them

they'll fix the data for you tell them Ike sent you your name's not Ike I

Ike sent you your name's not Ike I didn't say it

was I need you to distort some statistics from rat tests although I

statistics from rat tests although I don't agree with doing it I've just lost

don't agree with doing it I've just lost my will to fight it anymore I I don't

my will to fight it anymore I I don't need the life story let's see one rat

need the life story let's see one rat one test I can make these numbers prove

one test I can make these numbers prove that immortality is possible or that

that immortality is possible or that drinking hard liquor improves your love

drinking hard liquor improves your love life any of those ring your bell no my

life any of those ring your bell no my boss wants this test to prove the

boss wants this test to prove the existence of something called chronic

existence of something called chronic cubicle syndrome chronic cubicle

cubicle syndrome chronic cubicle syndrome everyone knows it exists

syndrome everyone knows it exists haven't you read the book have you you

haven't you read the book have you you don't have to actually read it if you

don't have to actually read it if you buy it it's an implied Covenant the book

buy it it's an implied Covenant the book offers absolutely no proof well that's

offers absolutely no proof well that's not my only source I'm a serious-minded

not my only source I'm a serious-minded person I also heard about it on TV

person I also heard about it on TV that's only because of the book all

that's only because of the book all right let's see we've got the TV the

right let's see we've got the TV the anecdotal evidence the book and now your

anecdotal evidence the book and now your study congratulations nice

work well I hope you're happy chronic cubicle syndrome is now an official

cubicle syndrome is now an official Condition it's sweeping the nation

Condition it's sweeping the nation chronic cubicle syndrome is real it's

chronic cubicle syndrome is real it's all in the book buy a copy for a friend

all in the book buy a copy for a friend the end what are you doing just

the end what are you doing just recording the audio version of my book

recording the audio version of my book that was it it's a bridged a bridged

that was it it's a bridged a bridged it's three sentences all right very

it's three sentences all right very Abridged I've been very busy Penning the

Abridged I've been very busy Penning the followup The dogbert Chronic cubicle

followup The dogbert Chronic cubicle syndrome cure diet and what might that

syndrome cure diet and what might that be I'll give you a hint it involves

be I'll give you a hint it involves [Music]

food what's going on here I'm shooting my

my infomercial infomercial for what dog

infomercial infomercial for what dog bird's secret juice formula many experts

bird's secret juice formula many experts believe that the symptoms of chronic

believe that the symptoms of chronic cubical syndrome can be significantly

cubical syndrome can be significantly reduced by drinking for to 28 glasses of

reduced by drinking for to 28 glasses of my special secret juice formula each

my special secret juice formula each day that smells like alcohol well I'm

day that smells like alcohol well I'm not at Liberty to reveal the ingredients

not at Liberty to reveal the ingredients it's an info no no but of course if

it's an info no no but of course if people get drunk they're not going to

people get drunk they're not going to feel the effects of chronic cubicle

feel the effects of chronic cubicle syndrome whatever it is that's not bad

syndrome whatever it is that's not bad would you mind doing a testimonial yes I

would you mind doing a testimonial yes I would

that and since I started drinking dogbert's secret juice for formula to

dogbert's secret juice for formula to combat the effects of chronic cubicle

combat the effects of chronic cubicle syndrome I'm a changed man hey what the

syndrome I'm a changed man hey what the how did he do that it's all computer

how did he do that it's all computer generated you're very teenic and by the

generated you're very teenic and by the way get secret juice formula

today since when do you exercise it's not exercise it's dorer

exercise it's not exercise it's dorer size I've never felt more alive I've

size I've never felt more alive I've never heard of dorker size it's all in

never heard of dorker size it's all in the dog bir chronic cubicle Sy syndrome

the dog bir chronic cubicle Sy syndrome 30 days to a smaller buted you workout

30 days to a smaller buted you workout video apparently if you eat less and

video apparently if you eat less and exercise 2 hours a day you can lose the

exercise 2 hours a day you can lose the weight caused by chronic cubicle

weight caused by chronic cubicle syndrome if you exercise 2 hours a day

syndrome if you exercise 2 hours a day and eat less you'll lose weight without

and eat less you'll lose weight without the video no this gets the cellulite too

the video no this gets the cellulite too it's completely different read the

it's completely different read the [Music]

[Music] book and sometimes when I stay up late I

book and sometimes when I stay up late I am tired the next day that could be

am tired the next day that could be serious what else when I don't eat I

serious what else when I don't eat I feel feeling emptiness in my stomach

feel feeling emptiness in my stomach that's because your spine is out of

that's because your spine is out of alignment it's chronic cubicle syndrome

alignment it's chronic cubicle syndrome I was afraid of that you'll need one

I was afraid of that you'll need one treatment a week until my boat is paid

treatment a week until my boat is paid for I hope it is not a big boat lie on

for I hope it is not a big boat lie on your

your stomach now I'm going to straighten your

stomach now I'm going to straighten your spine until you cry may I request

spine until you cry may I request anesthetics I don't believe in those

anesthetics I don't believe in those besides you'll pass out from the pain in

besides you'll pass out from the pain in a few minutes anyway oh

a few minutes anyway oh oh oh

Elbert Delbert oh there you are now you look

Delbert oh there you are now you look for me no never mind that why were you

for me no never mind that why were you playing games when you're supposed to be

playing games when you're supposed to be coming up with a buffo product to combat

coming up with a buffo product to combat chronic cubicle syndrome I'll tell you

chronic cubicle syndrome I'll tell you why chronic cubicle syndrome doesn't

why chronic cubicle syndrome doesn't exist that's the holdup how am I

exist that's the holdup how am I supposed to engineer a product for an

supposed to engineer a product for an imaginary condition poor Dilbert you

imaginary condition poor Dilbert you know Dilbert I've been around a long

know Dilbert I've been around a long time too long to count 1 two oh whatever

time too long to count 1 two oh whatever see I told you I've seen many people

see I told you I've seen many people good people failed by this dreaded

good people failed by this dreaded disease it's up to you my boy gosh I

disease it's up to you my boy gosh I don't know I'm all confused that's the

don't know I'm all confused that's the spirit don't do it for me do it for

spirit don't do it for me do it for yourself and if you don't do it for

yourself and if you don't do it for yourself at least do it cuz you'll be

yourself at least do it cuz you'll be fired if you

fired if you don't I call them shock pants they

don't I call them shock pants they deliver a severe electric shock to the

deliver a severe electric shock to the wearer anytime his posture gets bad and

wearer anytime his posture gets bad and that will cure chronic cubical syndrome

that will cure chronic cubical syndrome well if chronic cubicle syndrome existed

well if chronic cubicle syndrome existed it would probably have something to do

it would probably have something to do with your posture we need to test this

with your posture we need to test this on someone what did I miss can I help

on someone what did I miss can I help with

posture that straighten him out let's take this puppy to marketing and get it

take this puppy to marketing and get it in

in stores we couldn't wait for a shook to

stores we couldn't wait for a shook to get bad posture so I asked Dilbert to

get bad posture so I asked Dilbert to make this remote control to speed up the

demonstration I love it it's a device for shocking interns we can sell a

for shocking interns we can sell a billion of these actually it's a cure

billion of these actually it's a cure for chronic cubicle syndrome which

for chronic cubicle syndrome which doesn't exist but we've manage to get

doesn't exist but we've manage to get past that we don't want to sell cures

past that we don't want to sell cures for diseases that's too much of a downer

for diseases that's too much of a downer we'll be painted with the same brush as

we'll be painted with the same brush as that Jonah salt guy okay by me let's

that Jonah salt guy okay by me let's forget the whole thing you're not

forget the whole thing you're not thinking like marketing people let's use

thinking like marketing people let's use our imaginations our what you mean let's

our imaginations our what you mean let's use our imaginations isn't that what I

use our imaginations isn't that what I just said H I guess it is you know those

just said H I guess it is you know those yellow sticky notes were invented by

yellow sticky notes were invented by accident so is the space shuttle exactly

accident so is the space shuttle exactly how can we turn this huge mistake by an

how can we turn this huge mistake by an engineer into a victory by marketing

engineer into a victory by marketing I've got it we'll Market them as a line

I've got it we'll Market them as a line of casual wear for business yeah worked

of casual wear for business yeah worked with Dockers it can work for Shockers

with Dockers it can work for Shockers I'd like to go on the

I'd like to go on the record don't make your mistake any worse

record don't make your mistake any worse we're just lucky these marketing people

we're just lucky these marketing people were here to pull our fat out of the

were here to pull our fat out of the fire May I see that for a

moment in the news even as claims of chronic cubicle syndrome continue to

chronic cubicle syndrome continue to rise say every drone with the sniffles

rise say every drone with the sniffles is convinced he has it the sales of

is convinced he has it the sales of shock pants are soaring thanks to new

shock pants are soaring thanks to new corporate dress codes that make them

corporate dress codes that make them mandatory you might say workers are

mandatory you might say workers are dressed for

shess I get it no more making up words the success of shock pants comes despite

the success of shock pants comes despite widespread reports of seared flesh and

widespread reports of seared flesh and spontaneous human combustion if you ask

spontaneous human combustion if you ask me it's all rather

me it's all rather shocking and now for an editorial from

shocking and now for an editorial from our station general manager be besieged

our station general manager be besieged by pseudo science once again we now find

by pseudo science once again we now find ourselves in the grips of yet another

ourselves in the grips of yet another bogus claim designed to strike fear in

bogus claim designed to strike fear in hardworking people even as it fleeces

hardworking people even as it fleeces their meager savings accounts chronic

their meager savings accounts chronic cubicle this is crazy people are tired

cubicle this is crazy people are tired weary bored and depressed after A Hard

weary bored and depressed after A Hard Day's Work Day in day out year after

Day's Work Day in day out year after year and endless dead-end job after

year and endless dead-end job after endless dead-end job with no future and

endless dead-end job with no future and no hope that's natural it's completely

no hope that's natural it's completely appropriate to feel that way how else

appropriate to feel that way how else should you feel if you felt good after

should you feel if you felt good after that Soul crunching experience that

that Soul crunching experience that would be sick chronic cubicle syndrome

would be sick chronic cubicle syndrome is just life you should have thought of

is just life you should have thought of that before your ripoff Cur started

that before your ripoff Cur started killing so many people it was

killing so many people it was marketing's idea to turn up the voltage

marketing's idea to turn up the voltage on the new models I argued against it so

on the new models I argued against it so it's not your fault no one could think

it's not your fault no one could think it was it's Dilbert's Falls I tried to

it was it's Dilbert's Falls I tried to stop it I thank the man upstairs that we

stop it I thank the man upstairs that we live in a country where the corporations

live in a country where the corporations can reap the profits from a death

can reap the profits from a death machine and through the use of loopholes

machine and through the use of loopholes and disclaimers not be liable when the

and disclaimers not be liable when the lawsuits start flooding in well then who

lawsuits start flooding in well then who is liable well you are me you invented

is liable well you are me you invented the Blasted thing well then why haven't

the Blasted thing well then why haven't I earned any royalties cuz you don't own

I earned any royalties cuz you don't own the patent well then how can I be liable

the patent well then how can I be liable well you see Dilbert technically in this

well you see Dilbert technically in this instance you're an independent

instance you're an independent contractor I am read the fine print in

contractor I am read the fine print in in the event that profits are realized

in the event that profits are realized by set invention the independent

by set invention the independent contractor is defined as the sucker in

contractor is defined as the sucker in the event that anything goes wrong with

the event that anything goes wrong with set invention the independent contractor

set invention the independent contractor is defined as the scapegoat is there

is defined as the scapegoat is there anything you'd like to say before we

anything you'd like to say before we hang you out to dry can I make a phone

call yes I'm so nervous to meet you in person Mr dogbert I'm your biggest

person Mr dogbert I'm your biggest fan may I have some eye contact I waited

fan may I have some eye contact I waited 2 hours please just one eye the only way

2 hours please just one eye the only way to escape from a bad idea is with an

to escape from a bad idea is with an even worse idea you're

even worse idea you're welcome using the same studies and data

welcome using the same studies and data we could announce that chronic cicle

we could announce that chronic cicle syndrome never really existed it was a

syndrome never really existed it was a statistical aberration then if I could

statistical aberration then if I could come up with an even better market for

come up with an even better market for shock pants would you let me off the

shock pants would you let me off the hook but they still kill people cuz I

hook but they still kill people cuz I got to tell you I never laughed so hard

got to tell you I never laughed so hard we can turn the voltage down and then we

we can turn the voltage down and then we can Market them to a different group

can Market them to a different group it's all about marketing so correct is

it's all about marketing so correct is it

it everything this is beautiful you have

everything this is beautiful you have one at home just like

it who will tell me who was the first president of the United States your

president of the United States your mother

mother [Music]

I'm happy to report that sales of the shock pants are once again zooming I

shock pants are once again zooming I guess we all know who gets the credit

guess we all know who gets the credit don't tell me it's the guys in

don't tell me it's the guys in marketing no but good guess is it you as

marketing no but good guess is it you as much as I deserve it no the credit goes

much as I deserve it no the credit goes to my boss's boss's boss who none of us

to my boss's boss's boss who none of us have ever met and never will credit

have ever met and never will credit travels up blame travels down it's like

travels up blame travels down it's like drinking beer from a straw if you know

drinking beer from a straw if you know what I mean I don't know what you mean

what I mean I don't know what you mean me neither it's something I once heard

me neither it's something I once heard although I've been completely hosed on

although I've been completely hosed on the profits of my invention at least we

the profits of my invention at least we can finally agree that chronic cubicle

can finally agree that chronic cubicle syndrome doesn't exist and never did are

syndrome doesn't exist and never did are you nuts just look at the size of my

you nuts just look at the size of my butt the dog bird exercise program

butt the dog bird exercise program really works and look at this muscle

really works and look at this muscle tone since I started drinking that

tone since I started drinking that juice I'm not loud anymore

more it'll take 24 sessions minimum can you give me all 24 today I'm in a hurry

you give me all 24 today I'm in a hurry well I do want to put an addition on my

well I do want to put an addition on my house ow ow

ow he's stronger than he looked Hi how are you what are you staring at

are you what are you staring at [Music]

[Music] he

you may have heard that our company has been accused of unethical business

been accused of unethical business practices is it because of the falsified

practices is it because of the falsified product safety tests is it because of

product safety tests is it because of the false stories planted in the media

the false stories planted in the media about our competitors is it because of

about our competitors is it because of our crime family connections what are

our crime family connections what are you saying those things are unethical

you saying those things are unethical too good God this thing is just

too good God this thing is just snowballing now where was I 7 years

snowballing now where was I 7 years ago during the summer

ago during the summer ah the heck with it Senior Management

ah the heck with it Senior Management has decided to confront this headon and

has decided to confront this headon and deal with the ethics problem directly

deal with the ethics problem directly they're surrendering to the authorities

they're surrendering to the authorities one might think that but one would be

one might think that but one would be wrong no they're sending all employees

wrong no they're sending all employees to mandatory ethics training classes

to mandatory ethics training classes including managers such as yourself

including managers such as yourself correct no a shook that wouldn't be very

correct no a shook that wouldn't be very managerial would it correct me if I'm

managerial would it correct me if I'm wrong but hasn't every eth ethics

wrong but hasn't every eth ethics violation in this company been

violation in this company been perpetrated by managers yes but the

perpetrated by managers yes but the point is managers are far too important

point is managers are far too important to waste their valuable time taking

to waste their valuable time taking worthless classes that's what

worthless classes that's what subordinates are for that and

subordinates are for that and dating please don't date me I promise

dating please don't date me I promise I'll work

I'll work harder your new masseus is here she

harder your new masseus is here she wants to know how you'll be paying

wants to know how you'll be paying paying did you explain to her that she

paying did you explain to her that she gets to touch my naked back there some

gets to touch my naked back there some reason that wasn't enough who needs her

reason that wasn't enough who needs her tell her to put an egg in her shoe and

tell her to put an egg in her shoe and beat it if you don't mind not at all and

beat it if you don't mind not at all and the following mumbling is not

the following mumbling is not necessarily about you ignorant pompous

necessarily about you ignorant pompous horses ass must be problems at

horses ass must be problems at home are we done here I think we're

done H I wonder what made them so hurried all of a sudden

hurried all of a sudden uh shook meet me in my office and bring

uh shook meet me in my office and bring fresh

fresh [Music]

[Music] towels oh oh my this is so not in my job

towels oh oh my this is so not in my job description I don't think I can possibly

description I don't think I can possibly stop whining and start slathering

[Laughter] [Music]

[Music] [Laughter]

[Laughter] [Music]

he [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

okay let's go around the room and each of you can explain what you hope to get

of you can explain what you hope to get out of this class we'll start with

out of this class we'll start with you I'm hot for you

you I'm hot for you Wall-E is that your real name it's

Wall-E is that your real name it's Egyptian okay so what do you want to get

Egyptian okay so what do you want to get from this class I'm hot for you w-e I

from this class I'm hot for you w-e I already got it thanks my personal goal

already got it thanks my personal goal for ethics training is to learn the

for ethics training is to learn the cultural underpinnings of morality with

cultural underpinnings of morality with special emphasis on pragmatism versus

special emphasis on pragmatism versus Divine will

Divine will how about if I teach you not to

how about if I teach you not to steal that would be good too loud Howard

steal that would be good too loud Howard if a coworker can finded something very

if a coworker can finded something very personal to you could you keep it

personal to you could you keep it quiet yes this class is pointless we're

quiet yes this class is pointless we're not the ones with the ethics problems

not the ones with the ethics problems speak for

speak for yourself we're Engineers we have

yourself we're Engineers we have integrity and that's not for sale but it

integrity and that's not for sale but it is for rent excuse me I'm heart for you

is for rent excuse me I'm heart for you w-e consider yourself excused

there sure is a lot of weather today all up there in the

up there in the sky it was a lot like that yesterday too

sky it was a lot like that yesterday too right up that weather every day there is

right up that weather every day there is did anyone watch a sports event this

did anyone watch a sports event this weekend Oh I'll say oh Sports wouldn't

weekend Oh I'll say oh Sports wouldn't miss Sports not a Sunday without it who

miss Sports not a Sunday without it who was playing that's not important it only

was playing that's not important it only matters that the participants supported

matters that the participants supported each other as a team you men aren't at

each other as a team you men aren't at all what I expected I feel like the

all what I expected I feel like the glass ceiling for women Executives like

glass ceiling for women Executives like me is finally broken I mean here I am

me is finally broken I mean here I am networking with other Executives on the

networking with other Executives on the golf course privy to all your private

golf course privy to all your private conversations a we're all about

conversations a we're all about nurturing and

nurturing and diversity there goes your ball it keeps

diversity there goes your ball it keeps doing

doing that watch out for the turtles they're

that watch out for the turtles they're poisonous did we decide whose company

poisonous did we decide whose company wins the government bid this time my

wins the government bid this time my company got the flying submarine deal I

company got the flying submarine deal I believe your company wins the next bid

Edmund no no we won the bid for the invisible troop carriers well then who's

invisible troop carriers well then who's going to bid for the national internet

going to bid for the national internet voting Network contract for the good of

voting Network contract for the good of the oligarchy we will he's a good

man is it the high bid or the low bid that wins but that part makes my head

that wins but that part makes my head spin what were you talking about what

spin what were you talking about what did I

did I miss does anyone else think taxes are

miss does anyone else think taxes are too darn High who and pigs you don't you

too darn High who and pigs you don't you know

know it I'm pleased to announce that we have

it I'm pleased to announce that we have won the bid to build the government's

won the bid to build the government's next Super project the internet voting

next Super project the internet voting Network I thought the bids were being

Network I thought the bids were being submitted tomorrow yes but none of our

submitted tomorrow yes but none of our conference rooms are available tomorrow

conference rooms are available tomorrow so I'm telling you the results today

so I'm telling you the results today what's the internet voting Network it's

what's the internet voting Network it's a concept for letting people vote over

a concept for letting people vote over the internet in national elections

the internet in national elections Dilbert you seem to know the most about

Dilbert you seem to know the most about the internet voting Network so you're

the internet voting Network so you're the project leader what that's all I

the project leader what that's all I know and now that I said it everyone in

know and now that I said it everyone in this room knows as much as I do I tuned

this room knows as much as I do I tuned you out right after the part where you

you out right after the part where you started talking what's the internet

started talking what's the internet voting

voting Network this might sound crazy but after

Network this might sound crazy but after careful consideration I'm actually happy

careful consideration I'm actually happy for a change to be assigned a project

for a change to be assigned a project against my will the internet voting

against my will the internet voting network will double voter participation

network will double voter participation I'm going to make democracy work it's an

I'm going to make democracy work it's an awesome responsibility let me know when

awesome responsibility let me know when you get it working I almost wonder what

you get it working I almost wonder what it would be like to vote you mean you've

it would be like to vote you mean you've never voted it's too much of a hassle

never voted it's too much of a hassle but if I didn't have to drive look

but if I didn't have to drive look you're encouraging morons to vote that

you're encouraging morons to vote that can't possibly be good you can't use

can't possibly be good you can't use Wall-E as a typical example of Humanity

Wall-E as a typical example of Humanity I'm

I'm special take loud Howard he's more

special take loud Howard he's more typical of the average voter yes I

typical of the average voter yes I always vote for the tallest

always vote for the tallest guy the tall ones are better Dilbert do

guy the tall ones are better Dilbert do you realize that you could build a back

you realize that you could build a back door into the system and manipulate the

door into the system and manipulate the voting results for your own evil

voting results for your own evil purposes without ever being detected wow

purposes without ever being detected wow you could make a fortune from special

you could make a fortune from special interest groups did you learn nothing in

interest groups did you learn nothing in ethics class I tried but you covered

ethics class I tried but you covered your test with your hand one could make

your test with your hand one could make a fortune from special interest groups

a fortune from special interest groups but it would be unethical and more

but it would be unethical and more importantly it would destroy the

importantly it would destroy the Integrity of our democratic system I

Integrity of our democratic system I would never sell out my country for

would never sell out my country for money besides I have all the money I

need 900,000 a

900,000 a [Music]

[Music] million next it's a public school class

as you can see class Congress is in session and furthermore television

session and furthermore television violence is bad and these rap lyrics

violence is bad and these rap lyrics where's the gift shop they got a

where's the gift shop they got a bathroom in here can I use my cell phone

bathroom in here can I use my cell phone I just got paid shut up you kids are the

I just got paid shut up you kids are the leaders of tomorrow right well here's a

leaders of tomorrow right well here's a little something to remind you who your

little something to remind you who your friends

friends are oh

this is private Enemy Number One he goes by the name Dilbert he's in charge of

by the name Dilbert he's in charge of building the internet voting Network we

building the internet voting Network we have learned he is immune to monetary

have learned he is immune to monetary inducements his internet voting network

inducements his internet voting network is a threat to all our special interests

is a threat to all our special interests we must find a way to influence him

we must find a way to influence him without money without money what else is

without money without money what else is there use your

there use your creativity there must be some other way

creativity there must be some other way way to get him in our pocket I have an

idea no wait you said no money Keep It Coming keep it coming give

money Keep It Coming keep it coming give me some more of that mean green you just

me some more of that mean green you just say the word and I'll assassinate anyone

say the word and I'll assassinate anyone you want you clearly have no

you want you clearly have no Scruples you golden tongue Sweet Talker

Scruples you golden tongue Sweet Talker you're making me blush but your employee

you're making me blush but your employee Dilbert seems immune to our inducements

Dilbert seems immune to our inducements he must have a weakness everyone does he

he must have a weakness everyone does he does have one weakness if you know what

does have one weakness if you know what I mean wink wink ah

I mean wink wink ah yes the one

yes the one thing thank

thing thank you I hope he was thinking free t-shirt

too fire fire hurry there's a fire

fire hurry there's a fire upstairs something's smoking but it's

upstairs something's smoking but it's not a

fire you have a visitor upstairs in the smoking Lounge we don't have a smoking

smoking Lounge we don't have a smoking Lounge we do

now hey where did all this new furniture come from and that TV we accepted them

come from and that TV we accepted them as gifts on your behalf you shouldn't

as gifts on your behalf you shouldn't have accepted these gifts they're from

have accepted these gifts they're from lobbyists trying to corrupt me how are

lobbyists trying to corrupt me how are they doing not very well

[Music] amateurs hi handsome my name's Ashley

amateurs hi handsome my name's Ashley this is a smoke free house maybe you'd

this is a smoke free house maybe you'd like to take me someplace that

like to take me someplace that isn't I'd better not I just had my car

isn't I'd better not I just had my car cleaned

cleaned I've been authorized to do whatever it

I've been authorized to do whatever it takes to make you a friend of tobacco

takes to make you a friend of tobacco whatever it

takes anything

anything well okay I'd like you to quit smoking

well okay I'd like you to quit smoking what it's for your own good I can't do

what it's for your own good I can't do that I'm addicted you it's an illness

that I'm addicted you it's an illness you can't just quit like that you said

you can't just quit like that you said anything you don't understand I need to

anything you don't understand I need to do this right away or I'll get fired I

do this right away or I'll get fired I mean because I'm all fired

mean because I'm all fired up when was the last time you brushed

up when was the last time you brushed your teeth look at me I'm perfect except

your teeth look at me I'm perfect except for one little bad habit get over

it do you think you'd ever sacrifice your ethics and rig the election just to

your ethics and rig the election just to date a woman like that I would never

date a woman like that I would never sell out our founding fathers

sell out our founding fathers tell the truth I admit that in theory

tell the truth I admit that in theory there is some level of hormonal

there is some level of hormonal excitement that could in some

excitement that could in some conceivable circumstance in the

conceivable circumstance in the hypothetical exceed the threshold of my

hypothetical exceed the threshold of my ethical

ethical self-control what if the woman actually

self-control what if the woman actually liked you let's hope that never

liked you let's hope that never happens I almost found a woman who likes

happens I almost found a woman who likes me how did you know well technically she

me how did you know well technically she was a tobacco lobbyist who was leading

was a tobacco lobbyist who was leading me on so she could get illegal access to

me on so she could get illegal access to my internet voting Network

my internet voting Network close enough that's my thinking did you

close enough that's my thinking did you use the old familiarity technique I

use the old familiarity technique I didn't have a chance what's the old

didn't have a chance what's the old familiarity technique it involves

familiarity technique it involves spending so much time with a woman that

spending so much time with a woman that she gets used to your faults it's like

she gets used to your faults it's like falling in love but without the expense

falling in love but without the expense if I could have made this tobacco Lobby

if I could have made this tobacco Lobby to spend enough time with me while she

to spend enough time with me while she was using you then maybe just maybe the

was using you then maybe just maybe the inertia would carrier beyond the point

inertia would carrier beyond the point of being repulsed by my

of being repulsed by my personality then one day if she breaks

personality then one day if she breaks up with a socially functional boyfriend

up with a socially functional boyfriend she might be too emotionally crippled to

she might be too emotionally crippled to date again and there Dilbert will be why

date again and there Dilbert will be why don't you just date a woman who respects

don't you just date a woman who respects you in the first place you can do that I

you in the first place you can do that I see your

see your point Dilbert we need to talk about

point Dilbert we need to talk about extending the deadline of your internet

extending the deadline of your internet voting project if I extend it we'll miss

voting project if I extend it we'll miss the election and I'll get a new summer

the election and I'll get a new summer home everyone wins you're ordering me to

home everyone wins you're ordering me to sabotage my own project it wouldn't be

sabotage my own project it wouldn't be the first time but it might be the first

the first time but it might be the first time I knew I was doing it if I do that

time I knew I was doing it if I do that the special interests win the Integrity

the special interests win the Integrity of our Democratic process will be

of our Democratic process will be violated our founding fathers would spin

violated our founding fathers would spin in their graves spinning you say We'll

in their graves spinning you say We'll strap magnets to them and use them to

strap magnets to them and use them to generate electricity if it makes you

generate electricity if it makes you feel any better it's clean power you

feel any better it's clean power you can't make me do this it's wrong there

can't make me do this it's wrong there is nothing nothing that will change my

mind how unethical would it be really to help a tobacco lobbyist riging a

help a tobacco lobbyist riging a national election just so she'll like me

national election just so she'll like me are we talking the ethics of pragmatism

are we talking the ethics of pragmatism or Divine will let's pretend it's the

or Divine will let's pretend it's the same thing we need some expert

help how did you get Ben Franklin's body you'd be surprised what people throw out

you'd be surprised what people throw out it's a little too late for him to help

it's a little too late for him to help us maybe not I saw this in an

us maybe not I saw this in an infomercial I've been dying to try it

it says it removes carpet stains too but I have my

I have my [Music]

doubts can anyone give me an update on my

my inventions well electricity is doing

inventions well electricity is doing fine that was a good one how about the

fine that was a good one how about the post office did it become the model of

post office did it become the model of efficiency I envisioned well to be

efficiency I envisioned well to be honest a stamp costs more than you paid

honest a stamp costs more than you paid for your first horse you can stand in

for your first horse you can stand in line for an hour then find out you're in

line for an hour then find out you're in the wrong line the expression going

the wrong line the expression going postal refers to someone losing their

postal refers to someone losing their mind going crazy and opening fire on

mind going crazy and opening fire on large groups of innocent

people nice work I killed Ben Franklin keep your shirt on I have no intention

keep your shirt on I have no intention of taking it off you make it hard for

of taking it off you make it hard for people to help you sorry let's increase

people to help you sorry let's increase the dosage

the dosage [Music]

thank you again but frankly get it frankly Franklin

frankly gee that killed at the Continental Congress was there some

Continental Congress was there some reason you keep bringing me back I have

reason you keep bringing me back I have an ethical question about our democratic

an ethical question about our democratic system oh yes by now I suppose you

system oh yes by now I suppose you figured out it was all a big joke

figured out it was all a big joke what he doesn't

what he doesn't know never

know never mind my dilemma is this we have this new

mind my dilemma is this we have this new thing called the internet internet yes

thing called the internet internet yes yes a global telecommunications Network

yes a global telecommunications Network built on the tcpip standards coming you

built on the tcpip standards coming you did not yes I did how could you I'm a

did not yes I did how could you I'm a Founding Father you little punk you want

Founding Father you little punk you want to start with me all right all right

to start with me all right all right anyway I have a chance to make a woman

anyway I have a chance to make a woman like me if I use the internet to rig the

like me if I use the internet to rig the next election would that be wrong sounds

next election would that be wrong sounds okay to me really sure the average Boer

okay to me really sure the average Boer can't find his bung hole with both hands

can't find his bung hole with both hands you don't want to leave it up to them do

you don't want to leave it up to them do you I thought maybe I did well think

you I thought maybe I did well think again if we're done here I'm really

hungry I should have got the 12 pack one internet voting Network

pack one internet voting Network completely programmed ready and free of

completely programmed ready and free of outside interference

outside interference so you decided to stick to your ethical

so you decided to stick to your ethical guns knowing that it would cost you the

guns knowing that it would cost you the love of a beautiful woman does it give

love of a beautiful woman does it give you newfound respect for

me oh no I'm having an election night party I

no I'm having an election night party I hope you can make it chug and vote come

hope you can make it chug and vote come enjoy hard liquor before voting from

enjoy hard liquor before voting from masasa thanks to your internet voting

masasa thanks to your internet voting network no one will ever have to vote

network no one will ever have to vote thirsty again loud Howard I don't think

thirsty again loud Howard I don't think it's a good idea to mix alcohol with

it's a good idea to mix alcohol with voting since when I mean how are you

voting since when I mean how are you going to understand an issue like say

going to understand an issue like say monetary policy if you're drunk I don't

monetary policy if you're drunk I don't understand it now do you no bring an

yay hey everybody the polls are open [Applause]

[Applause] to

democracy hey look at me I'm voting and I'm not even a

I'm not even a citizen one more of these and I'm in the

citizen one more of these and I'm in the green

green party now tell me am I for or against

party now tell me am I for or against nucular

nucular peripher I have to say this isn't the

peripher I have to say this isn't the proudest moment of my career

proudest moment of my career [Music]

[Music] is that the knob for Republican or

Democrat hurry up Foster the polls close in 30 seconds oh Fiddlesticks I just

in 30 seconds oh Fiddlesticks I just voted for someone named

McGee no it's been so long since I attended a meeting of the secret ruling

attended a meeting of the secret ruling class do you still handle elections the

class do you still handle elections the same way the old ways are still the

same way the old ways are still the best well the votes have been counted

best well the votes have been counted the people have spoken our new president

the people have spoken our new president is Harry as

McGee so seriously who do we make [Music]

president she said she might call do you think underneath her smoke stained

think underneath her smoke stained exterior beat a heart of gold uh if by

exterior beat a heart of gold uh if by Heart of Gold you mean lungs of charcoal

Heart of Gold you mean lungs of charcoal then yes I admit I was tempted to

then yes I admit I was tempted to destroy the Democratic process to gain

destroy the Democratic process to gain the love of a

the love of a woman love not real love but at least

woman love not real love but at least the kind that gives you false hope for a

the kind that gives you false hope for a few days I like false hope maybe she

few days I like false hope maybe she lost your

lost your number maybe she

number maybe she did no one leaves the to backer

Institute since I quit smoking I don't feel right about working here anymore

feel right about working here anymore you quit smoking you

you quit smoking you can't good Lord Martin you coughed out

can't good Lord Martin you coughed out Al lung can you push that back

in I met a man who convinced me to follow another path I'm going to call

follow another path I'm going to call him tonight I see no one leaves the

him tonight I see no one leaves the tobacco

Institute hey wait you can't do this let me

me go excuse me hello Ola where is the

go excuse me hello Ola where is the ladyes

ladyes room does anyone have any sunscreen

room does anyone have any sunscreen [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

I was working at a big company first a bank and then the phone company and I

bank and then the phone company and I was surrounded by Dilbert's you know

was surrounded by Dilbert's you know people who look like Dilbert they they

people who look like Dilbert they they dress like Dilbert they acted like

dress like Dilbert they acted like Dilbert and he started as a a doodle I

Dilbert and he started as a a doodle I would draw him uh for presentations and

would draw him uh for presentations and I would draw him on my little whiteboard

I would draw him on my little whiteboard in my my cubicle and one day I bought a

in my my cubicle and one day I bought a book on how to become a cartoonist and

book on how to become a cartoonist and sent off some samples to the big cartoon

sent off some samples to the big cartoon syndicates and United media called me

syndicates and United media called me back and said how would you like to be a

back and said how would you like to be a syndicated cartoonist

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

the first time anybody saw Dilbert was in a newspaper and I still had to work

in a newspaper and I still had to work my day job at Pacific Bell and I'd go to

my day job at Pacific Bell and I'd go to work every day and I'd do the cartoon at

work every day and I'd do the cartoon at night or before work and it took uh

night or before work and it took uh about 6 years before it really took off

about 6 years before it really took off and I could finally leave my day job

and I could finally leave my day job behind

behind Dilbert is your quintessential engineer

Dilbert is your quintessential engineer uh he cares about things more than he

uh he cares about things more than he cares about people he likes uh solving

cares about people he likes uh solving problems he has uh no social life to

problems he has uh no social life to speak of and probably never will but

speak of and probably never will but he's nice my troop leader said people

he's nice my troop leader said people are nice if you give them a

are nice if you give them a chance she said I would learn from this

chance she said I would learn from this experience he's a little bit of a victim

experience he's a little bit of a victim because people dump on you if you have

because people dump on you if you have that kind of a personality he's not very

that kind of a personality he's not very aggressive but ultimately he's

aggressive but ultimately he's optimistic first your generation

optimistic first your generation pollutes the world and plunders its

pollutes the world and plunders its natural resources now this okay okay

natural resources now this okay okay just calm down I'll buy a

just calm down I'll buy a box that'll be

box that'll be $80 the turning point for turning

$80 the turning point for turning Dilbert into a TV show when it went from

Dilbert into a TV show when it went from just a bunch of ideas that lots of

just a bunch of ideas that lots of people had to the real thing was when I

people had to the real thing was when I met Larry Charles Larry had a great

met Larry Charles Larry had a great resume he'd been one of the original

resume he'd been one of the original writers on Seinfeld and he'd worked on

writers on Seinfeld and he'd worked on mad about you and we met and the first

mad about you and we met and the first time I saw him if you can imagine a guy

time I saw him if you can imagine a guy who looked like basically Jesus Christ

who looked like basically Jesus Christ in pajamas he wore pajamas everywhere

in pajamas he wore pajamas everywhere you know all day long he wore pajamas

you know all day long he wore pajamas and when he visited me um you know he

and when he visited me um you know he flew in pajamas and and uh that seemed

flew in pajamas and and uh that seemed normal to him and I thought God I got to

normal to him and I thought God I got to work with this guy is everything simply

work with this guy is everything simply a manifestation of Consciousness or is

a manifestation of Consciousness or is there another actual level of existence

there another actual level of existence when I read the books I realized it was

when I read the books I realized it was like a whole philos op of life behind it

like a whole philos op of life behind it that was very very uh dense and complex

that was very very uh dense and complex and I totally responded to that it was

and I totally responded to that it was very Kafkaesque very chaplinesque like

very Kafkaesque very chaplinesque like modern times it had a lot of black

modern times it had a lot of black comedy it was very much about the Man

comedy it was very much about the Man Against the Machine The Logical man in

Against the Machine The Logical man in in the illogical world as you can see

in the illogical world as you can see our daycare facilities are second to

our daycare facilities are second to none

none a you can't put babies to work on an

a you can't put babies to work on an assembly line these are not babies they

assembly line these are not babies they toddlers

toddlers oh you're coming home with me I didn't

oh you're coming home with me I didn't know you wanted children Alice I didn't

know you wanted children Alice I didn't until this

until this moment how about

moment how about now hi Scott's visual style that sort of

now hi Scott's visual style that sort of dictates the look of the show's a thing

dictates the look of the show's a thing called a model pack that goes out to the

called a model pack that goes out to the animators that gives the exact

animators that gives the exact dimensions and proportions of all the

dimensions and proportions of all the main characters that has to be sort of

main characters that has to be sort of followed very carefully the animations

followed very carefully the animations would come in I would look at them offer

would come in I would look at them offer my input I'd make sure everything was on

my input I'd make sure everything was on model there are a lot of things that

model there are a lot of things that they're not obvious in terms of what's

they're not obvious in terms of what's going to be a problem when you bring a

going to be a problem when you bring a comic strip to TV one of them is that my

comic strip to TV one of them is that my characters uh some of them had no mouths

characters uh some of them had no mouths so Dilbert had no mouth he had no

so Dilbert had no mouth he had no eyeballs dogbert had no mouth we had

eyeballs dogbert had no mouth we had long meetings about what should the

long meetings about what should the mouth look like and we finally hit this

mouth look like and we finally hit this compromise cuz we didn't want to change

compromise cuz we didn't want to change the characters too much and the

the characters too much and the compromise was that you you only see

compromise was that you you only see their mouth when they're talking so it

their mouth when they're talking so it appears while the words are coming out

appears while the words are coming out and then it disappears again and that

and then it disappears again and that seemed to work good test it come on

seemed to work good test it come on Wally dance with us I don't hold hands

Wally dance with us I don't hold hands I'm only in it for fashion reasons the

I'm only in it for fashion reasons the first person who says anything about a

first person who says anything about a bad hair day goes right in the hole the

bad hair day goes right in the hole the hardest part about making a TV show from

hardest part about making a TV show from a cartoon is everybody has a different

a cartoon is everybody has a different voice in their head every reader hears a

voice in their head every reader hears a different voice when they read the comic

different voice when they read the comic script and so we had to find voices that

script and so we had to find voices that not only worked for us us but they were

not only worked for us us but they were talented actors and actresses and they

talented actors and actresses and they would sound pretty much like what we

would sound pretty much like what we guessed people were Hearing in their

guessed people were Hearing in their heads we held casting sessions and we

heads we held casting sessions and we just kept on listening and hoping that's

just kept on listening and hoping that's one of the variables you hope that

one of the variables you hope that somebody just clicks like boom that's

somebody just clicks like boom that's him I always had a a voice for Dilbert

him I always had a a voice for Dilbert in my head that was kind of my own voice

in my head that was kind of my own voice but the problem was it's the voice the

but the problem was it's the voice the way I hear myself if I record myself and

way I hear myself if I record myself and then listen to it doesn't sound anything

then listen to it doesn't sound anything like what I imagin Dilbert sound like so

like what I imagin Dilbert sound like so so I I couldn't I couldn't even do an

so I I couldn't I couldn't even do an impression of myself to someone else to

impression of myself to someone else to say make it sound like this this is

say make it sound like this this is crazy people are tired weary bored and

crazy people are tired weary bored and depressed after A Hard Day's Work Day in

depressed after A Hard Day's Work Day in day out year after year and endless

day out year after year and endless dead- end job after endless dead-end job

dead- end job after endless dead-end job with no future and no hope that's

with no future and no hope that's natural it's completely appropriate to

natural it's completely appropriate to feel that way how else should you feel

feel that way how else should you feel we listened to so many people read for

we listened to so many people read for Dilbert that I was starting to give up

Dilbert that I was starting to give up hope people would come in profession

hope people would come in profession actors and we'd say you know that was

actors and we'd say you know that was good but can you you read it a little

good but can you you read it a little more sympathetically or a little more

more sympathetically or a little more something and they would read it just

something and they would read it just the same way a second time Daniel Stern

the same way a second time Daniel Stern came in and the the first time he did it

came in and the the first time he did it we we thought wow that is really close

we we thought wow that is really close and we asked him if he could do it

and we asked him if he could do it another way and he could do it with five

another way and he could do it with five different nuances and and all we'd have

different nuances and and all we'd have to do was ask and he could change it and

to do was ask and he could change it and we thought wow that that is some serious

we thought wow that that is some serious talent and he sounded exactly like what

talent and he sounded exactly like what we looking for and he was just

we looking for and he was just [Music]

[Music] perfect the casting for dog bir's voice

perfect the casting for dog bir's voice was probably the hardest because you got

was probably the hardest because you got to get a voice that's male but it looks

to get a voice that's male but it looks like it comes out of a small egg-shaped

like it comes out of a small egg-shaped fuzzy creature I thought you were going

fuzzy creature I thought you were going to wake me at 6:30 I also said women

to wake me at 6:30 I also said women like men who are shaped like potatoes

like men who are shaped like potatoes can you find the pattern here you wanted

can you find the pattern here you wanted him to be kind of sarcastic so that

him to be kind of sarcastic so that everything he said had a little bit of a

everything he said had a little bit of a I'm yank in your chain he needed to be

I'm yank in your chain he needed to be aggressive sometimes so there were lot

aggressive sometimes so there were lot of qualities that you had to get into a

of qualities that you had to get into a small

package dogbert was actually the first character developed after Dilbert when I

character developed after Dilbert when I was doing the comic strip and it was

was doing the comic strip and it was just so Dilbert would have someone to

just so Dilbert would have someone to talk to Dilbert didn't seem like he'd

talk to Dilbert didn't seem like he'd have a lot of friends so he needed a dog

have a lot of friends so he needed a dog but I didn't want an ordinary dog I

but I didn't want an ordinary dog I wanted a dog who you know was very undog

likee not only does he not want to be your best friend and bring you use

your best friend and bring you use slippers but he might want to conquer

slippers but he might want to conquer the planet and make all the people his

the planet and make all the people his domestic

domestic [Music]

servants now dance for your Diplomat [Music]

[Music] Dance Now River

Dance Now River [Music]

[Music] Dance how did you become the Diplomat to

Dance how did you become the Diplomat to alonia I was the only one who applied

alonia I was the only one who applied for the job this isn't exactly Monaco

for the job this isn't exactly Monaco he's pretty self-absorbed and uh um

he's pretty self-absorbed and uh um pretty much feels that he's Superior to

pretty much feels that he's Superior to everyone else around him so obviously I

everyone else around him so obviously I was a natural choice for the job here

was a natural choice for the job here give me that microphone worship me put

give me that microphone worship me put bras on your head and chant dog bird as

bras on your head and chant dog bird as king while slapping yourself in the face

king while slapping yourself in the face with a slab of Raw Liver if you're

with a slab of Raw Liver if you're actually sitting in a meeting with Chris

actually sitting in a meeting with Chris he has kind of a I don't mean to say

he has kind of a I don't mean to say this in an insulting way but it's not a

this in an insulting way but it's not a manly manly kind of voice and it just

manly manly kind of voice and it just sounded like it might come out of a

sounded like it might come out of a small creature so he was perfect I think

small creature so he was perfect I think that Dilbert and dogbert is probably the

that Dilbert and dogbert is probably the most me the most interesting and complex

most me the most interesting and complex relationship because it it's also a

relationship because it it's also a shadow relationship uh an alter ego

shadow relationship uh an alter ego relationship uh one one permits the

relationship uh one one permits the other to be who they are Scott actually

other to be who they are Scott actually I think wanted to play dog bird at one

I think wanted to play dog bird at one point or thought perhaps he would when

point or thought perhaps he would when he when he wasn't finding somebody and I

he when he wasn't finding somebody and I think uh he he has a a similar

think uh he he has a a similar sensibility uh to the character he kind

sensibility uh to the character he kind of channels All of My Own Worst

of channels All of My Own Worst instincts he gets to say the things that

instincts he gets to say the things that I'd like to say but I'm afraid of

I'd like to say but I'm afraid of Retribution but a small dog can say

Retribution but a small dog can say those things and get away with it they

those things and get away with it they say Only the Good Die Young if it works

say Only the Good Die Young if it works the other way too I'm Immortal speaking

the other way too I'm Immortal speaking of evil I could use your special talents

of evil I could use your special talents tomorrow H let me check my calendar I'll

tomorrow H let me check my calendar I'll see what else I have going evil evil

see what else I have going evil evil evil not evil looks like I have an

evil not evil looks like I have an opening some people before me had done a

opening some people before me had done a lot of barking and growling and um I I

lot of barking and growling and um I I guess I was the first guy who just just

guess I was the first guy who just just talked and uh uh because I I just can't

talked and uh uh because I I just can't do voices or characters which I I found

do voices or characters which I I found out painfully after one season on

out painfully after one season on Saturday Night Live um and uh especially

Saturday Night Live um and uh especially I can't bark so um I think Scott you

I can't bark so um I think Scott you know responded just to the uh normaly of

know responded just to the uh normaly of of my approach to the the dog as you

of my approach to the the dog as you probably know all the good product names

probably know all the good product names have been trademarked by companies who

have been trademarked by companies who are competent competent how are we going

are competent competent how are we going to compete with that we wanted a voice

to compete with that we wanted a voice for Wall-E that um didn't sound really

for Wall-E that um didn't sound really manly as many of the characters are not

manly as many of the characters are not but was male and and sounded a little

but was male and and sounded a little bit lazy a little bit shiftless uh like

bit lazy a little bit shiftless uh like he was just trying to get by just trying

he was just trying to get by just trying to survive the day and and not be

to survive the day and and not be noticed when a voice hit us we went with

noticed when a voice hit us we went with it even whether it was a star like

it even whether it was a star like Daniel Stern or Gordon hunt who's a

Daniel Stern or Gordon hunt who's a director and uh whose voice just kind of

director and uh whose voice just kind of was rattling around in my head when I

was rattling around in my head when I thought about Wall-E and I I and we we

thought about Wall-E and I I and we we we auditioned a number of people I said

we auditioned a number of people I said we've got to bring Gordon hunt in here

we've got to bring Gordon hunt in here he is wall oh these great character

he is wall oh these great character actors were there auditioning I thought

actors were there auditioning I thought what the hell am I doing here but uh uh

what the hell am I doing here but uh uh something some I think there was a

something some I think there was a certain nasality that he that he that he

certain nasality that he that he that he thought would suit this guy so that was

thought would suit this guy so that was my addition I don't hold hands I'm only

my addition I don't hold hands I'm only in it for fashion reasons Wally was

in it for fashion reasons Wally was based on somebody I worked with he was a

based on somebody I worked with he was a guy who had been told his career was

guy who had been told his career was over cuz he' made a bad mistake but they

over cuz he' made a bad mistake but they weren't going to fire him so he could

weren't going to fire him so he could live out the rest of his days without

live out the rest of his days without being fired but never being promoted and

being fired but never being promoted and never getting a raise and he he used his

never getting a raise and he he used his uh fairly significant intellect to

uh fairly significant intellect to become the laziest employee who ever

become the laziest employee who ever worked at Pacific Bell most of my

worked at Pacific Bell most of my interaction has to do with Dilbert and

interaction has to do with Dilbert and with Alice and I'm constantly coming in

with Alice and I'm constantly coming in and just dropping the

and just dropping the most stupid or slightly unpleasant thing

most stupid or slightly unpleasant thing that one can say in a room and sometime

that one can say in a room and sometime getting smacked in the face by Alice for

getting smacked in the face by Alice for for doing it Alice could you clean up

for doing it Alice could you clean up the coffee spill our intern has suddenly

the coffee spill our intern has suddenly discovered dignity sure no problem I

discovered dignity sure no problem I don't mind see she doesn't have

don't mind see she doesn't have a there you

a there you go she's Pyramid Head she's got pyramid

go she's Pyramid Head she's got pyramid ha here not unlike my own and um she's

ha here not unlike my own and um she's in an office setting just trying to keep

in an office setting just trying to keep it all together I think she is the

it all together I think she is the Bastion of Sanity that's how I play her

Bastion of Sanity that's how I play her with my voice the Alice character was

with my voice the Alice character was based on somebody that I worked with at

based on somebody that I worked with at pacifi Bell it was a woman who was the

pacifi Bell it was a woman who was the only woman in a in a group of male

only woman in a in a group of male engineers and she was most famous for

engineers and she was most famous for for at least in my mind most famous for

for at least in my mind most famous for making two grown men cry at meetings

making two grown men cry at meetings string him up hang over get a rope back

string him up hang over get a rope back down none of us ate it it was like this

down none of us ate it it was like this one we got here how do we know it wasn't

one we got here how do we know it wasn't you Alice yeah I can prove it look

you Alice yeah I can prove it look here Kathy Griffin was uh my first

here Kathy Griffin was uh my first choice for Alice before we even talked

choice for Alice before we even talked to her and somehow you imagine that your

to her and somehow you imagine that your first choice is not going to be

first choice is not going to be available or doesn't want to do the job

available or doesn't want to do the job so some I had held that as my my ideal

so some I had held that as my my ideal voice and we're actually looking for

voice and we're actually looking for people who sounded like her and then it

people who sounded like her and then it turns out she was willing to do it so it

turns out she was willing to do it so it was perfect I'm not really one of the

was perfect I'm not really one of the pros I mean there are people that on

pros I mean there are people that on Dilbert that are frighteningly talented

Dilbert that are frighteningly talented that can sound like you know any age and

that can sound like you know any age and any ethnicity and male or female or baby

any ethnicity and male or female or baby and I'm really impressed with that what

and I'm really impressed with that what the heck is going on here where did all

the heck is going on here where did all this delicious smelling packing material

this delicious smelling packing material come from don't you know Dilbert I don't

come from don't you know Dilbert I don't think I in the habit of asking questions

think I in the habit of asking questions to which I know the answers am I it's a

to which I know the answers am I it's a lot of fun to play the boss because he's

lot of fun to play the boss because he's a guy on the surface who's a pretty big

a guy on the surface who's a pretty big knucklehead really out of it but as

knucklehead really out of it but as Larry Charles and I have talked about

Larry Charles and I have talked about that

that uh he could be it's the old crazy like a

uh he could be it's the old crazy like a fox the pointy hair boss um

fox the pointy hair boss um intentionally has no name so that

intentionally has no name so that anybody who looks at him can can read

anybody who looks at him can can read their own boss into him and he he's kind

their own boss into him and he he's kind of a kind of a composite of all the the

of a kind of a composite of all the the worst bosses I've ever had and the worst

worst bosses I've ever had and the worst ones I've ever heard of I appreciate

ones I've ever heard of I appreciate your heartfelt sentiments and with that

your heartfelt sentiments and with that in mind I'm decreasing your pay cutting

in mind I'm decreasing your pay cutting your benefits and increasing your hours

your benefits and increasing your hours everybody back to work that's exactly

everybody back to work that's exactly ler managed to play this voice that

ler managed to play this voice that sounded like somebody who was kind of

sounded like somebody who was kind of self-important but completely clueless

self-important but completely clueless and and he could get those two qualities

and and he could get those two qualities I mean that's the the sign of great

I mean that's the the sign of great acting is that they can convey not one

acting is that they can convey not one quality but two qualities simultaneously

quality but two qualities simultaneously and he could do that great

and he could do that great sometimes depending on how close you get

sometimes depending on how close you get to the part I like to come and I don't

to the part I like to come and I don't know how other people do it but I come

know how other people do it but I come in and say look there are 11 ways to do

in and say look there are 11 ways to do anything here's one of them the mean

anything here's one of them the mean here's a bit of bombast here's a way

here's a bit of bombast here's a way this guy could be funny I now son this

this guy could be funny I now son this is so hard for me to say actually it's

is so hard for me to say actually it's not you're fired clean out your desk and

not you're fired clean out your desk and leave but I

[Music] but CER was originally just a a regular

but CER was originally just a a regular cat that I introduced in the strip and

cat that I introduced in the strip and he was just going to be there for 2 days

he was just going to be there for 2 days and then gone and I got hundreds of

and then gone and I got hundreds of emails from people who said we love

emails from people who said we love Catbird bring back Catbird and the

Catbird bring back Catbird and the interesting thing was he didn't have a

interesting thing was he didn't have a name but everybody said bring back kaer

name but everybody said bring back kaer and you know I'm no genius but I figured

and you know I'm no genius but I figured if hundreds of people simultaneously

if hundreds of people simultaneously name a character you ought to bring him

name a character you ought to bring him back Mr catbert Director of Human

back Mr catbert Director of Human Resources what brings you out of your

Resources what brings you out of your lair I understand you've been praising

lair I understand you've been praising Todd you could say that his Personnel

Todd you could say that his Personnel folder is curiously empty no photo no

folder is curiously empty no photo no work

work history very very suspicious uh Todd

history very very suspicious uh Todd works in mysterious ways he won't work

works in mysterious ways he won't work at all if his file doesn't turn up soon

at all if his file doesn't turn up soon you see I don't believe in Todd you take

you see I don't believe in Todd you take that back there is no Todd Todd exists

that back there is no Todd Todd exists only in your

[Applause] now weird

now weird Rude the hardest part about making a TV

Rude the hardest part about making a TV animated cartoon is the time lag you

animated cartoon is the time lag you know the script looks okay but when the

know the script looks okay but when the actors read it you haven't necessarily

actors read it you haven't necessarily written to what they can do best and

written to what they can do best and then when it comes back from animation

then when it comes back from animation you know months later when it's fully

you know months later when it's fully animated you don't really know if it

animated you don't really know if it worked until you see it the thing that's

worked until you see it the thing that's been uh uh most shocking to me is how

been uh uh most shocking to me is how old-fashioned this whole process still

old-fashioned this whole process still is it's still boils down to people

is it's still boils down to people recording their voices it still boils

recording their voices it still boils down to somebody sitting in front of a

down to somebody sitting in front of a blank piece of paper and drawing a

blank piece of paper and drawing a picture the technology has not come that

picture the technology has not come that far before I started cartooning I was

far before I started cartooning I was going to work every day and i' just sit

going to work every day and i' just sit there and I'd feel the life force being

there and I'd feel the life force being drained out of my body you know I felt

drained out of my body you know I felt like I was in some kind of demonic UFO

like I was in some kind of demonic UFO torture chamber or something I think the

torture chamber or something I think the best writing is something that comes out

best writing is something that comes out of your own experience so I was uniquely

of your own experience so I was uniquely qualified to write about an engineer in

qualified to write about an engineer in a cubicle there's always people in here

a cubicle there's always people in here I started off being a cartoonist I used

I started off being a cartoonist I used to draw caricatures in grade school uh I

to draw caricatures in grade school uh I was the school cartoonist in my school

was the school cartoonist in my school newspapers this gave me an opportunity

newspapers this gave me an opportunity to sort of tap into that side of myself

to sort of tap into that side of myself where the sitcom it's like it's done you

where the sitcom it's like it's done you got to make the best of it you have to

got to make the best of it you have to edit into something and send it out to

edit into something and send it out to the satellites here I have the ability

the satellites here I have the ability to continue to rewrite it and re-record

to continue to rewrite it and re-record it and reanimated up until the very last

it and reanimated up until the very last minute what if during the Shadows that's

minute what if during the Shadows that's the only time you went to the light

the only time you went to the light color there is nothing more frightening

color there is nothing more frightening than seeing something that you've been

than seeing something that you've been involved with on television for the

involved with on television for the first time because you're sitting there

first time because you're sitting there and you're thinking man if this is bad

and you're thinking man if this is bad how many millions of people are watching

how many millions of people are watching it right now but I think after we got a

it right now but I think after we got a few episodes under our belt we were

few episodes under our belt we were firing on

cylinders I must be dead this is the tunnel I keep reading

about behind this door are the answers to the ultimate questions the afterlife

frankly I was hoping for more [Music]

[Music] [Laughter]

[Laughter] [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] yes

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

dogbert is uh probably my favorite character he kind of channels the uh the

character he kind of channels the uh the worst impulses that I have the part of

worst impulses that I have the part of my brain that I'm least proud of um we

my brain that I'm least proud of um we put together some clips that show him in

put together some clips that show him in action take a look at these do you think

action take a look at these do you think I'm a loser because I stay with my

I'm a loser because I stay with my company yes it's just that one reason

company yes it's just that one reason thank you to save time I've hired a

thank you to save time I've hired a consultant to help us find a name for

consultant to help us find a name for our next

our next product he doesn't look like any

product he doesn't look like any consultant I've ever seen recommendation

consultant I've ever seen recommendation downsize the loud guy by take it

back quizzing that's 188 I'm pretty sure Scrabble only has

188 I'm pretty sure Scrabble only has one

one Z that's the kind of thinking that

Z that's the kind of thinking that allowed you to lose 400 games in a

allowed you to lose 400 games in a row dog BT always a pleasure why don't

row dog BT always a pleasure why don't you come to the meetings anymore I'm not

you come to the meetings anymore I'm not actually a member of the Supreme Court

actually a member of the Supreme Court really now I feel bad about letting you

really now I feel bad about letting you write all those

write all those decisions I didn't mind what brings you

decisions I didn't mind what brings you in today I want you to overturn the

in today I want you to overturn the conviction of a guilty murderer named

conviction of a guilty murderer named Dilbert if you don't mind I'll just

Dilbert if you don't mind I'll just write up your decision and sign all your

write up your decision and sign all your names to it okay but make me sound

names to it okay but make me sound indignant and throw something in there

indignant and throw something in there about fairness you want a copy I don't

about fairness you want a copy I don't see when I'd ever read it this is slow

see when I'd ever read it this is slow pitch softball I'm pretty sure you don't

pitch softball I'm pretty sure you don't get on base if you get hit by a pitch

get on base if you get hit by a pitch now let's hope the other team doesn't

now let's hope the other team doesn't know that

rule ice computers all around the world link up to form a colossal super

link up to form a colossal super beinging once it achieves

beinging once it achieves Consciousness I'd say the human race has

Consciousness I'd say the human race has pretty much served its purpose and I

pretty much served its purpose and I guess then the computers will try to get

guess then the computers will try to get rid of US ah don't worry I have a plan

rid of US ah don't worry I have a plan to save Humanity that's very Noble of

to save Humanity that's very Noble of you when I say save I mean as in I save

you when I say save I mean as in I save stamps or I save old bottles

mhm that's it I think I've done it that's not the word on the street why do

that's not the word on the street why do women see the fact that I'm kind

women see the fact that I'm kind sensitive and caring as some sort of

sensitive and caring as some sort of weakness hey dogbird you want to see

weakness hey dogbird you want to see where Jean rotenberry is maybe later

where Jean rotenberry is maybe later fellas it's merely a function of

fellas it's merely a function of cultural conditioning that and the fact

cultural conditioning that and the fact that you look like the illegitimate

that you look like the illegitimate child of Bill Gates in the Pillsbury

child of Bill Gates in the Pillsbury dough booy I thought you said everyone

dough booy I thought you said everyone was wearing these clothes I meant

was wearing these clothes I meant everyone who's a woman I might have left

everyone who's a woman I might have left that part out what are you doing I'm

that part out what are you doing I'm posting false information on the web why

posting false information on the web why it's fun someone picks up a strand of

it's fun someone picks up a strand of false information spreads it around and

false information spreads it around and before you know it a panic is created

before you know it a panic is created then you just sit back and watch the

then you just sit back and watch the chaos I came for casino night casino

chaos I came for casino night casino night you might have the wrong building

night you might have the wrong building no I'm infallible I don't know why you

no I'm infallible I don't know why you can't remember that you buckled under

can't remember that you buckled under the pressure wuss I helped a little girl

the pressure wuss I helped a little girl learn a valuable lesson about life I

learn a valuable lesson about life I think you encouraged her to pursue a

think you encouraged her to pursue a life of crime no I taught her by my

life of crime no I taught her by my example that you don't need a reason to

example that you don't need a reason to help a neighbor it feels good to give Ah

help a neighbor it feels good to give Ah that's ridiculous I'll bet you $20 it

that's ridiculous I'll bet you $20 it doesn't feel good to give you are on my

doesn't feel good to give you are on my cynical friend okay to settle the

cynical friend okay to settle the question give me $40 and then tell me if

question give me $40 and then tell me if it feels good that wouldn't feel good

it feels good that wouldn't feel good okay then give me $20 because you lost

okay then give me $20 because you lost the

the bet did I just make a bet that would

bet did I just make a bet that would cost me $20 whether I won or not yes but

cost me $20 whether I won or not yes but you also got to help someone more

you also got to help someone more fortunate than yourself my mommy is

fortunate than yourself my mommy is coming to pick me up in 30

coming to pick me up in 30 minutes your bets remember the system

minutes your bets remember the system face cards are + one number cards are

face cards are + one number cards are minus one you're teaching her to count

minus one you're teaching her to count cards this is so wrong hey a shook look

cards this is so wrong hey a shook look over there it's a rewarding

over there it's a rewarding career where I don't see a rewarding

career where I don't see a rewarding career I'm good next week I'll teach you

career I'm good next week I'll teach you how to kick the seat in front of you for

how to kick the seat in front of you for the entire length of the movie then I

the entire length of the movie then I have a special clinic on making all the

have a special clinic on making all the candy in the jar yours via the miracle

candy in the jar yours via the miracle of

of slobbering would you like to try a

slobbering would you like to try a vibrating chair get out of my way you

vibrating chair get out of my way you [Music]

pervert will you be sitting down in any of these no I'm going to run for it and

of these no I'm going to run for it and you might want to do the

you might want to do the [Music]

[Music] same pleas Mother of

not every boss has pointy hair but somehow they all act like they do and

somehow they all act like they do and you know what that means here are some

you know what that means here are some clips about bosses you lie to us every

clips about bosses you lie to us every day oh that's not lying that's

day oh that's not lying that's managing Studies have shown there's a

managing Studies have shown there's a big difference we have a warehouse

big difference we have a warehouse filled with lethal lozes we are

filled with lethal lozes we are currently converting for usage and

currently converting for usage and ancillary markets

ancillary markets buttons coinage

buttons coinage teddy bear eyes give me some more of

teddy bear eyes give me some more of that mean green you just say the word

that mean green you just say the word and I'll assassinate anyone you want you

and I'll assassinate anyone you want you clearly have no

clearly have no Scruples you golden tongue Sweet Talker

Scruples you golden tongue Sweet Talker you're making me blush someone in this

you're making me blush someone in this room leaked information to this magazine

room leaked information to this magazine regarding our new security measures now

regarding our new security measures now before you go accusing each other let me

before you go accusing each other let me accuse you I'd rather not say what my

accuse you I'd rather not say what my ticker symbol is can't we just be

ticker symbol is can't we just be strategic Partners well aren't you the

strategic Partners well aren't you the mysterious one I'll bet you're an

mysterious one I'll bet you're an internet company aren't you maybe maybe

internet company aren't you maybe maybe not quiet I'm trying to

think you may have heard that our company has been accused of unethical

company has been accused of unethical business practices is it because of the

business practices is it because of the falsified product safety tests is it

falsified product safety tests is it because of the false stories planted in

because of the false stories planted in the media about our competitors is it

the media about our competitors is it because of our crime family connections

because of our crime family connections what are you're saying those things are

what are you're saying those things are unethical too good God this thing is

unethical too good God this thing is just snowballing he's always late what's

just snowballing he's always late what's he doing it's more important than

us uh shook meet me in my office and bring fresh

bring fresh [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] towels oh oh my this is so not in my job

towels oh oh my this is so not in my job description I don't think I can possibly

description I don't think I can possibly stop whining and start

stop whining and start slathering anyone

oh so this is what happens when you leave a sandwich in your drawer too long

leave a sandwich in your drawer too long I remember when I'd be trying to sleep

I remember when I'd be trying to sleep in the little ties would be crying all

in the little ties would be crying all night in the Next Room how did you stop

night in the Next Room how did you stop them didn't have to turns out I was in

them didn't have to turns out I was in the wrong

house this car pooling together is a great idea who thought of it anyway you

great idea who thought of it anyway you did well I don't do you mind if I shave

did well I don't do you mind if I shave in the car I guess that would be okay

back I hope you realize I have to sell my car now you've seen your afterlife

my car now you've seen your afterlife Dilbert no penalties no rewards it's

Dilbert no penalties no rewards it's time you loosened up and started harming

time you loosened up and started harming other people I've decided to promote you

other people I've decided to promote you to management what why I didn't do

to management what why I didn't do anything wrong at least not nothing that

anything wrong at least not nothing that you know

about but how do you like being a manager well I accomplished nothing

manager well I accomplished nothing except toying with the lives of innocent

except toying with the lives of innocent people for my own Amusement that's my

people for my own Amusement that's my favorite part

there is a difference between marketing and outright felonious activity but it's

and outright felonious activity but it's a very small difference the key to

a very small difference the key to marketing is doing whatever you did

marketing is doing whatever you did before even when you know it won't

before even when you know it won't work it just came in the

work it just came in the mail it's the greatest breakthrough in

mail it's the greatest breakthrough in market research since the other one I

market research since the other one I was going to say other one it's not

was going to say other one it's not necessarily a car it's not then why are

necessarily a car it's not then why are we giving it a car name what else do you

we giving it a car name what else do you have how about the grunt Master the

have how about the grunt Master the grunt master I don't know it's missing

grunt master I don't know it's missing something grunt

something grunt Master

Master 6,000 that's it less features than the

6,000 that's it less features than the grunt Master 9,000 but just as fun hey D

grunt Master 9,000 but just as fun hey D Greg from marketing uh we've never met

Greg from marketing uh we've never met would never like each other in normal

would never like each other in normal life and yet since I've become reptilian

life and yet since I've become reptilian I feel we have an unspoken bond does it

I feel we have an unspoken bond does it get

get HBO according to the direction you just

HBO according to the direction you just strap it on some sucker's head and it

strap it on some sucker's head and it towards his excitement level when

towards his excitement level when exposed to various shopping stimuli we

exposed to various shopping stimuli we need to test it out on someone who shops

need to test it out on someone who shops I.E a shopper we're afraid that when it

I.E a shopper we're afraid that when it comes out of the box it'll make a

comes out of the box it'll make a squeaking sound you mean from the

squeaking sound you mean from the styrofoam packing material it's a loser

styrofoam packing material it's a loser noise that sound tested extremely low

noise that sound tested extremely low it's that time of year when we sporty

it's that time of year when we sporty people in marketing give you Engineers

people in marketing give you Engineers your annual lesson in humility are you

your annual lesson in humility are you actually proud of the fact that you

actually proud of the fact that you spent your youth guzzling beer and

spent your youth guzzling beer and playing sports just so you could excel

playing sports just so you could excel at the picnicking Arts the don't think

at the picnicking Arts the don't think I'm telling Tales out of school and by

I'm telling Tales out of school and by school I mean our fine local community

school I mean our fine local community colleges when I say ABS positively now

colleges when I say ABS positively now this idea of yours for a marketing

this idea of yours for a marketing department sounds a bit risky but here

department sounds a bit risky but here at Nirvana company we pride ourselves on

at Nirvana company we pride ourselves on our willingness to explore new

our willingness to explore new directions until now it's worked out

directions until now it's worked out great I only hope this isn't the one

great I only hope this isn't the one time I'm calamitously

[Music] wrong and

most companies have a human resources department uh sometimes referred to as

department uh sometimes referred to as the inhuman resources department and the

the inhuman resources department and the Dilbert world is populated by cber the

Dilbert world is populated by cber the evil Director of Human Resources

evil Director of Human Resources take a look at these

take a look at these clips still want to play games me yes

clips still want to play games me yes you what do you want with me sign the

you what do you want with me sign the papers I can't see them oh poor you it's

papers I can't see them oh poor you it's just a simple confession standard

just a simple confession standard procedure in the human resources

procedure in the human resources department using the internet for

department using the internet for personal business pilfering dry erase

personal business pilfering dry erase markers kidnapping the Lindberg baby

markers kidnapping the Lindberg baby shooting Larry Flint wait a minute I'm

shooting Larry Flint wait a minute I'm not signing this oh yes you are I make a

not signing this oh yes you are I make a fortune at autograph shows hey wait a a

fortune at autograph shows hey wait a a minute I didn't do any of these things

minute I didn't do any of these things you should have thought of that before I

you should have thought of that before I forged your confession thanks for

forged your confession thanks for playing now go

playing now go [Music]

[Music] away we need your help I can't help why

away we need your help I can't help why not it's a company policy aren't you the

not it's a company policy aren't you the one who makes the company policies do I

one who makes the company policies do I have a great job or what I want you to

have a great job or what I want you to make a shook my assistant if I made a

make a shook my assistant if I made a shook your assistant it would destroy

shook your assistant it would destroy his tiny ego so you'll do it I'll need

his tiny ego so you'll do it I'll need more than that help me help you all

more than that help me help you all right let's see it would breed

right let's see it would breed resentment throughout the entire

resentment throughout the entire employee population uh-huh nice you make

employee population uh-huh nice you make a strong

a strong case are you thinking no I'm toying with

case are you thinking no I'm toying with you all right I'll do it on one

you all right I'll do it on one condition name it I have to be there to

condition name it I have to be there to hear him scream when you tell him

deal I find myself in need of a new troll to guard my door why don't you

troll to guard my door why don't you hire another one well I would but they

hire another one well I would but they all know about our pending merger no one

all know about our pending merger no one wants to work in an administrative job

wants to work in an administrative job those are the first ones cut during the

those are the first ones cut during the uh Synergy phase that's why I'm glad I'm

uh Synergy phase that's why I'm glad I'm an engineer yes yes you were an engineer

an engineer yes yes you were an engineer what I'm changing your job title to Door

what I'm changing your job title to Door watching troll effective immediately but

watching troll effective immediately but then the cergy will get me well not just

then the cergy will get me well not just you I'll offer to fire all my staff so I

you I'll offer to fire all my staff so I can keep my own job that sort of loyalty

can keep my own job that sort of loyalty is always

rewarded I offer you some but I'm selfish oh do whatever you want it

selfish oh do whatever you want it doesn't make a difference we all just

doesn't make a difference we all just die and end up in a cubicle anyway pray

die and end up in a cubicle anyway pray tell what did you have in mind Angels

tell what did you have in mind Angels playing harps on a cloud well no well

playing harps on a cloud well no well tell me Dilbert I'm curious what is your

tell me Dilbert I'm curious what is your vision of the afterlife well

vision of the afterlife well actually uh well oh I'm sorry your time

actually uh well oh I'm sorry your time is up literally we have some nice

is up literally we have some nice parting gifts for you Dilbert tell him

parting gifts for you Dilbert tell him what we have for him

what we have for him nothing hey what

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YouTube Transcript:Dilbert - Season 1 & 2 + Extras (1999–2000)

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Dilbert - Season 1 & 2 + Extras (1999–2000)