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Dr K Reveals SHOCKING Relationships Truths | The Diary Of A CEO Clips | YouTubeToText
YouTube Transcript: Dr K Reveals SHOCKING Relationships Truths
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I have come to learn that I am most
aroused when I'm not stressed in any
way. But I don't just mean stressed as
in like oh stressed. I mean if it's
Friday night and I've just come back
from work and I've got home at 9:00 p.m.
after a really really long day and week,
I am not aroused typically. So what
tends to happen and like we know this in
my relationship and it's the same for
same for my partner is on like Saturday
once I've had time to relax and I've
like chilled down and I've all those
kind of things then I'm then I get
aroused. Um and there is this I think
misunderstanding between men and women
because we get aroused in different ways.
ways.
Absolutely. Once again, like we're
seeing so many problems in
relationships, so many problems in
dating. And and you know what happens is
like women will get branded as all kinds
of she's an ice queen or whatever she
won't put out. And like there's a lot of
like toxic misogyny there. And then men
will also get branded as like oh men
only want one thing and they're they're
you know so horny which can somewhat be
true. But I I think this is the kind of
thing where once you understand you know
how does the male body work, how does
the female body work, what are the ways
because the majority of is actually very
similar. like the what separates men and
women is less than what we share.
Um so if you look at for example like
how to create romantic attraction on a
first date like that's there's a lot of
good like neuroscience data about things
to do and it's not surprising at all
because if you look at what's the trend
in dates everyone is doing the wrong
things now dates are turning into like
interviews right where it's like I don't
know I don't want I need to know if I'm
going to waste my time or not. So we're
going to sit down at a table. Oh do you
want kids? What do you want this? How
much do you like to travel? How many
trips per year? it almost becomes a
negotiation and if you look at the
science of how human beings fall in love
it's completely different
what is that relationship between
because as you're describing that dating
process I just in my head I thought god
that sounds stressful and then I thought
of how expectation generally creates
stress so whether it's in the bedroom
having an expectation that we're going
to [ __ ] tonight cuz it's Thursday and
it's date night or having an expectation
when you go on a date the impact that
that stress has on your dopamine and
your ability to be like open and receptive.
receptive.
Yeah. So, it's it's it's so interesting,
right? So, like I know it sounds kind of
weird, but let's use your example of
it's Thursday and we're going to [ __ ]
tonight. So, that can be stressful or
like I don't know if you've been in a
relationship like this, it can be
awesome, right? So, like if I haven't
seen you all week and you haven't seen
me all week and it's like Thursday and
this is the time we've set aside and
like we're finally meeting and we both
are like we're going to [ __ ] tonight,
then it's great. Like, you know what I
mean? Or not so much or I don't know.
Yeah. Right. So, like this is the key
thing that a lot of people don't
understand. So attraction is not about
whether we're going to have sex tonight
or not. It's that we you and I need to
be on the same page. So there's a really
fascinating study that looked at first
dates on bridges. Okay? So one bridge is
a stone bridge. One bridge is a rickety
wooden bridge that's wobbly. And what
the study found is that when you have a
date on a stone bridge,
it's le people feel less attracted to
each other than when you're on a rickety
bridge. Now what's the difference? on
the rickety bridge. I'm a little bit
scared and you're a little bit scared.
So, what what really the the foundation
of romantic attraction is actually
empathic resonance. When I feel the same
things that you feel, when we both feel,
it doesn't even have to be good. It can
be negative things. It can be good
things. We just need to both be feeling
the same thing. That's what creates
attraction. This is also why people fall
in love in rehab. Like literally at the
rehabs that I've worked at, like we have
to like almost have a rule, right? We
can't technically control them, but
we're like, "Hey, no [ __ ] in rehab."
So, this is going to we're going to have
and because people will trauma bond,
right? We're sharing all of this deep
emotional stuff. You can be honest, you
can be authentic, and there's someone
else in the group who's also honest and
authentic, and you feel connected. What
is the nature of that connection? It's
shared empathic resonance. So, one of
the biggest things that I tell people
who are, you know, struggling to succeed
in dating is like, what are the emotions
that you're bringing to the table? What
are the emotions they're bringing to the
table? And if those emotions are not
aligned, how can you do some kind of
experience that creates an emotion? So,
this is also where like movies aren't
necessarily good or bad. The question
is, do you guys like the same kind of
movies? If you'all like the same kind of
movies and you both laugh a lot, that's
a great date. You don't need to talk.
You just need empathic resonance. So,
whatever you can do to get empathic
resonance will create a connection.
My brain went in two directions then.
first question that popped into my head
was about the role oxytocin's playing in
all of that because I've heard about
this chemical called oxytocin which is
there to help us bond etc. Um, and I
remember Simon Synynic saying to me that
when like cities have earthquakes, it's
crazy how much the city comes together
and that's he pointed at oxytocin as
much of the reason for that sort of
shared struggle thinking about your
rickety bridge scenario. Life sometimes
becomes a rickety bridge and people bond
because of that. So should I be taking
my dates to theme parks for example to
terrify the [ __ ] out of them or watch
only if you're equally terrified.
Okay. So that's why it's so important,
right, for you to figure out like what
is something that is going to give us a
shared emotional experience.
Ah, okay. So you've got Okay, we've got
to both have the same emotion. Absolutely.
Absolutely.
So if I'm not scared by it and she's terrified,
terrified,
then that's generally speaking not good.
Now there are other versions of that. So
like you can demonstrate caring, right?
So if I'm terrified and you take care of
me, then that can feel good in a
different way. But generally speaking,
like what gets us like I'm into this
person is that we feel an emotional
connection, right? That's what I'm like
into this person. They're like like what
is the nature the emotional connection
is shared emotion. So oxytocin is
another phase of the relationship. So
oxytocin forms emotional bonds. So when
we feel like not this and this is what's
so interesting, there's different parts
of the brain, different neurotransmitters.
neurotransmitters.
So oxytocin is what we get from
cuddling, what we get from different
kinds of touch. Something like a massage
can form oxytocin. Hugging, holding
hands, all this kind of stuff triggers
oxytocin. And oxytocin will form an
emotional bond, will alleviate feelings
of loneliness. I think one of the
reasons that men are so lonely now is
because we don't feel bonded to each other.
other.
So oxytocin is more about forming
emotional bonds.
And the other way my brain went when we
were talking about that is a question
I've asked a lot of sex therapists I've
spoken to, which is should we be
scheduling sex? This is such a tangent
from where we started, but um based on
what you said, Thursday night, date
night, etc., should we be scheduling
sex? When I ask sex experts this, they
they go in two different directions. One
group says yes, one group is so
passionately saying no because it kills
that spontaneity, they say. Um and that,
you know,
right? So, so I think this is a good
example of like this is exactly what I'm
talking about where we know so much more
about physiology and neuroscience now
that the right answer to that question
depends on the science.
So you can schedule sex. It's just make
sure that you do the things. Are you
killing some degree of spontaneity?
Potentially. Um and but at the same time
like so what is it about the
spontaneity? Like let's let's tunnel
down. I think this is exactly what we
need to do. What is it that makes
spontaneous sex fun, Stephen?
Oh gosh. Uh [ __ ] Um what makes
spontaneous sex fun? It is
exciting, novel. It is
Hold on. Who's excited by spontaneous sex?
sex? Me.
Me.
So, and is it going to happen if your
partner is not equally excited?
Well, I think most couples would say
that they much of the reason why their
sex life is not great is because it's
became become boring and predictable and
sy. So this sort of spontaneity element
adds a bit of surprise and intrigue and
now hold on a second. Okay, great. So
this is we're gonna we're going to
figure out an answer when things become
sy. So if I watch like what's your
favorite movie, Stephen?
H the pursuit of happiness.
Okay, so if I watch Pursuit of Happiness
the first time, how am I going to feel emotionally?
emotionally?
Oh, it was profound the first time I saw it.
it.
Second time you watch it?
You know, interesting.
Fourth time, fifth time. So the more
that we get exposed to something what
changes within us
our emotional
the emotions change right so the first
time I do something
emotions are activated when it becomes
habitual emotions no longer become activated
activated
so this is the problem of
non-spontaneous or spontaneous sex is it
it has to do with that emotional empathy
that emotional connection that leads to attraction
attraction
so this is exactly what I'm talking
about when we look at problems in life
should couples do this or should couples
not do this let's understand the
mechanisms at play and then if we can
activate those mechanisms in the right
way then it'll work. So the the issue
about spontaneity is is like you know if
you feel like having spontaneous sex but
your partner doesn't that's not going to
work because y'all aren't emotionally I
mean they can accommodate you and that
can be fine but generally speaking what
spontaneity adds is more of that
emotional connection. So when I work
with um you know patients who are
exhibitionistic right so like why do
they like exhibitionism
what's exhibitionism
having sex in public places okay
okay
so um it's a it's a kind of fetish right
can get you into trouble that's
sometimes how they end up in my office
but so so what what if you really look
at it like what what it's about is
emotional resonance so if I'm having sex
in a public place that's going to
activate me emotionally in some way it's
going to activate my partner emotionally
in the same way that's why we do So it
all comes down to emotional resonance.
So the second thing is that if you're
going to have scheduled sex, so like
spontaneous is great, but if you're
going to have scheduled sex, that's
still fine, too. It doesn't kill the
spark. You just need to figure out how
to activate it, right? So this is where
activation of the parasympathetic
nervous system. Do something like, you
know, give a massage or even like the
sex should come after some kind of
emotional resonance. Let's go out and
watch a movie together or let's do
something that we both find emotionally
engaging. Then once you're emotionally
connected, the sex will be it'll be a
lot easier.
I have a friend who has been trying for
a baby.
I'm trying for a baby as well, by the
way. But this is not about me. This is
not me like asking for a friend. He
lives in America and he has just had the
news that he's having a baby. Very very
happy. And I saw him recently and I was
asking him him about the process of you
know timing the sex around your
partner's cycle. And they had gone for I
think 3 years trying to have a baby. So
it got increasingly more difficult all
of the complicated emotions. And he was
saying to me, he was like, "Honestly,
bro, like sometimes we were having to
have sex like three or four times a
day." And I was like, "Bro, how how do
you keep an like when it becomes a job
in that in that context? You're doing it
because you need to try and hit this
egg. How did you arouse yourself?" And
he was like, "No, I couldn't." He was
like, "I I really struggled. I'd lose my
erection all the time." Um um and he
literally said to me, yeah, he was he
was having sex 40, 50 times a month to
join and he was basically being ordered
to have sex with her. Like these are the
five days you better have sex with me.
That you know that that is maybe the
extreme case of total dissipation of
emotional resonance as it relates to sex.
sex. Yeah.
Yeah.
And the other case the other end of that
poll would be pursuing someone for the
first time. I guess a stranger for the
first time. And I guess the job for
people in their relationships is how do
you keep that emotional resonance?
So I I think that that's that's exactly
the kind of question. And I think the
first thing is that's half the answer is
that a lot of people don't realize. So
like when people get bored sexually in a
relationship, right? So we have two
populations of people. Some people will
get married
and they'll continue to have healthy sex
lives like well into their 70s. Like one
of the craziest things that I remember
encountering in med school was like, you
know, when I meet a 70-year-old, I don't
think about sexual health counseling.
And it's one of the biggest mistakes we
make as doctors. Like, you know, when
you have these retirement communities
and stuff, no one's worried about
getting pregnant. You can get outbreaks
of like syphilis and gorrhea that'll
tear through the community like like
COVID. Like, it's crazy. Like, we just
don't but sexual desire doesn't
necessarily decrease with age. I know
it's crazy but we you know so the then
the question becomes okay how do you
maintain a healthy sexy sex sexual
relationship over time so at the very
beginning there are things like phalomic
inputs right so what you see ex arouses
you there's some amount of novelty which
is also like new emotions right so then
the 10th time we watch the same movie
our emotional connection is less to the
movie but then this is also how couples
have sex over successfully over time is
that they do have emotional connection
actions. So they as you continue to bond
with your partner over the new
experiences that your relationship has.
So I think having kids is a great
example where like having kids will
destroy your sex drive for some amount
of time.
They say what two years or something
on on average. But even within that it's
amazing because you'll find these
moments where like you sort of forget
right like how good sex with your
partner is and then the stars align and
you have sex and it's actually like
incredibly fantastic. It's like, "Oh, we
should do that more, right?" Like that's
that's like what kind of starts to
happen. So over time, what we want to do
is really lean into still that shared
emotional connection. Oh my god, I had
such a like I can't believe that our
kids like finally like they're the
fever's gone. They're relaxing. We're
going to sleep and then at like 2 a.m.
you're going to wake up and you're you
know it's going to be great, right? But
like and so as long as you maintain that
bond, it's totally fine. And when we
think about the mechanisms in
neuroscience that drive our behavior
once we're in a relationship and even if
it's a platonic relationship um how do we
we
keep the relationship thriving? like how
do we what are the mechanisms I need to
be aware of in the brain and in
neuroscience that are going to enable my
relationship to be strong and thriving
whether it's platonic or romantic you
know because we talk about loneliness a
lot and there's so many people that are
struggling with loneliness and it's and
you know the reasons that we often
attribute to that are the way we're
living our lives or we're behind screens
or social media but you know you it was
really illuminating to me that you're
able to point to a mechanism in um
smartphones and social media that is
actually inhibiting us forming
relationship ships and I wondered if the
same mechanisms might inhibit us keeping
the relationships that we have.
Yeah. So I think there are so many
things that are going on there. So one
is like how is technology negatively
impacting our relationships and the
second is how do you maintain a healthy
relationship over time. So there's like
two different things that make sense
like what gets in the way
and how do you how do you keep your tire
nice and full of air versus how do you
uh fix it if a nail punctures it.
So let's start with like what technology
is doing. So this is what technology is
basically doing to our social
connections. There is a whole scale
social skills atrophy and a
deconditioning of certain parts of the
brain when we use technology. So the
first thing to understand about the
brain this beautiful thing about the
human body inanimate objects the more
you use them the worse they get. But the
moment that you have biology the human
brain doesn't wear out it rusts. So
inactivity of the human brain is
actually what causes problems. Okay,
that's number one. So we can look at
studies of like dementia prevention and
what we know is that encouraging
neuroplasticity through things like
learning how to play the piano at the
age of 60 will protect us from dementia.
So we need to utilize our brain to make
it the strongest.
This is also where you can look at the
physical body, right? So when I when I
think about what causes muscle atrophy
and what causes muscle growth, the more
I use my muscles, the more they grow.
The more you use your brain, the more it
grows. So when we look at connections,
if you actually look at human
communication, words are maybe I would
say 25 to 50% of communication at most.
So you can walk into a room and without
even hearing a single thing that's said,
you can know there's tension in the air.
Something is wrong. You can even like I
remember when I was a kid I used to get
bullied a lot, right? And I would walk
into a room and I immediately knew that
they were making fun of me.
Like all the conversation would stop and
everyone would look at like one person
would look at me, I'd see alarm in their
face, they would all see everyone else
would see the alarm in their face and
they'd look over and they'd see me and
no, everyone would stop talking. I know
I'm being made fun of. So body language,
tone, volume. This is really
interesting. So, there are even video
game companies that are starting to ban
people over voicecoms.
So, how do you know if someone is
toxically communicating or not? What we
used to do is use like words, right? So,
if you say some kind of racial slur in
chat, like if you type it out, the game
knows to scan for that. And then people
will start to get around that. They'll
use an at sign instead of an a. So, now
what they're doing over voicecoms is
measuring tone. So depending on the
volume of what you're saying, right?
Like that's how they're actually
detecting toxicity because that's where
toxicity exists. It's not, "Oh, hey
Stephen, you're a real loser. I really
dislike you." It's like, "Steven, bro,
you're such a loser, man. Oh my god."
And even if I say that, right, it's not
negative at all. Even though I'm using
negative words. There's another quick
aside. So men are really specific for
using the negative expression of a
positive affection. This is something
that's different about men. So what
we'll do is we'll actually say negative
things to a friend of ours to express
approval. Like when someone gets engaged
or gets married, it's like, "Oh man,
like it's the old ball and chain. We're
going to lose you. You're whipped." But
everyone's smiling, everyone's
congratulating you, but we just express
it in a negative way. Yeah.
Yeah.
So so much of our communication is tone,
is body language, is volume. Now what's
happening is everyone is texting. So
then the brain does something very that
it's designed to do. It's like, "Hey,
we're not using this thing. let's lose
it. So if you don't speak a language,
our brain forgets it. So as you this is
what a lot of people don't realize is
that there's a rise in social anxiety.
Why is there a rise in social anxiety?
It's because the parts of our brain that
reassure us in social situations are
starting to atrophy. So when we don't
pay attention to body language, when we
don't pay attention to tone, those parts
of the brain shut off. And then when I
go into a social situation, those parts
of the brain are inactive. So they can't
reassure me. Now what happens is I go to
a party that I was invited to or I go to
dinner with my friends that I was
invited to. I'm kind of sitting at the
end of the table. No one's really
talking to me and I'm like, "Oh, like I
really shouldn't be here. These people
just invited me out of politeness. They
don't really care about me." But if your
brain is functioning well, you're able
to read all of this non-verbal
communication that's reassuring. So when
it comes to platonic friends and why
this is hard, we are atrophying a lot of
the social skills, a lot of these brain
regions that allow us to form
connections, allow us to feel reassured,
allow us to feel safe right now, I kind
of feel like, oh, my friends are
inviting me, but I'm bothering them by
going. Like all these kinds of things
we're seeing more and more of.
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