the first time, how am I going to feel emotionally?
emotionally?
Oh, it was profound the first time I saw it.
it.
Second time you watch it?
You know, interesting.
Fourth time, fifth time. So the more
that we get exposed to something what
changes within us
our emotional
the emotions change right so the first
time I do something
emotions are activated when it becomes
habitual emotions no longer become activated
activated
so this is the problem of
non-spontaneous or spontaneous sex is it
it has to do with that emotional empathy
that emotional connection that leads to attraction
attraction
so this is exactly what I'm talking
about when we look at problems in life
should couples do this or should couples
not do this let's understand the
mechanisms at play and then if we can
activate those mechanisms in the right
way then it'll work. So the the issue
about spontaneity is is like you know if
you feel like having spontaneous sex but
your partner doesn't that's not going to
work because y'all aren't emotionally I
mean they can accommodate you and that
can be fine but generally speaking what
spontaneity adds is more of that
emotional connection. So when I work
with um you know patients who are
exhibitionistic right so like why do
they like exhibitionism
what's exhibitionism
having sex in public places okay
okay
so um it's a it's a kind of fetish right
can get you into trouble that's
sometimes how they end up in my office
but so so what what if you really look
at it like what what it's about is
emotional resonance so if I'm having sex
in a public place that's going to
activate me emotionally in some way it's
going to activate my partner emotionally
in the same way that's why we do So it
all comes down to emotional resonance.
So the second thing is that if you're
going to have scheduled sex, so like
spontaneous is great, but if you're
going to have scheduled sex, that's
still fine, too. It doesn't kill the
spark. You just need to figure out how
to activate it, right? So this is where
activation of the parasympathetic
nervous system. Do something like, you
know, give a massage or even like the
sex should come after some kind of
emotional resonance. Let's go out and
watch a movie together or let's do
something that we both find emotionally
engaging. Then once you're emotionally
connected, the sex will be it'll be a
lot easier.
I have a friend who has been trying for
a baby.
I'm trying for a baby as well, by the
way. But this is not about me. This is
not me like asking for a friend. He
lives in America and he has just had the
news that he's having a baby. Very very
happy. And I saw him recently and I was
asking him him about the process of you
know timing the sex around your
partner's cycle. And they had gone for I
think 3 years trying to have a baby. So
it got increasingly more difficult all
of the complicated emotions. And he was
saying to me, he was like, "Honestly,
bro, like sometimes we were having to
have sex like three or four times a
day." And I was like, "Bro, how how do
you keep an like when it becomes a job
in that in that context? You're doing it
because you need to try and hit this
egg. How did you arouse yourself?" And
he was like, "No, I couldn't." He was
like, "I I really struggled. I'd lose my
erection all the time." Um um and he
literally said to me, yeah, he was he
was having sex 40, 50 times a month to
join and he was basically being ordered
to have sex with her. Like these are the
five days you better have sex with me.
That you know that that is maybe the
extreme case of total dissipation of
emotional resonance as it relates to sex.
sex. Yeah.
Yeah.
And the other case the other end of that
poll would be pursuing someone for the
first time. I guess a stranger for the
first time. And I guess the job for
people in their relationships is how do
you keep that emotional resonance?
So I I think that that's that's exactly
the kind of question. And I think the
first thing is that's half the answer is
that a lot of people don't realize. So
like when people get bored sexually in a
relationship, right? So we have two
populations of people. Some people will
get married
and they'll continue to have healthy sex
lives like well into their 70s. Like one
of the craziest things that I remember
encountering in med school was like, you
know, when I meet a 70-year-old, I don't
think about sexual health counseling.
And it's one of the biggest mistakes we
make as doctors. Like, you know, when
you have these retirement communities
and stuff, no one's worried about
getting pregnant. You can get outbreaks
of like syphilis and gorrhea that'll
tear through the community like like
COVID. Like, it's crazy. Like, we just
don't but sexual desire doesn't
necessarily decrease with age. I know
it's crazy but we you know so the then
the question becomes okay how do you
maintain a healthy sexy sex sexual
relationship over time so at the very
beginning there are things like phalomic
inputs right so what you see ex arouses
you there's some amount of novelty which
is also like new emotions right so then
the 10th time we watch the same movie
our emotional connection is less to the
movie but then this is also how couples
have sex over successfully over time is
that they do have emotional connection
actions. So they as you continue to bond
with your partner over the new
experiences that your relationship has.
So I think having kids is a great
example where like having kids will
destroy your sex drive for some amount
of time.
They say what two years or something
on on average. But even within that it's
amazing because you'll find these
moments where like you sort of forget
right like how good sex with your
partner is and then the stars align and
you have sex and it's actually like
incredibly fantastic. It's like, "Oh, we
should do that more, right?" Like that's
that's like what kind of starts to
happen. So over time, what we want to do
is really lean into still that shared
emotional connection. Oh my god, I had
such a like I can't believe that our
kids like finally like they're the
fever's gone. They're relaxing. We're
going to sleep and then at like 2 a.m.
you're going to wake up and you're you
know it's going to be great, right? But
like and so as long as you maintain that
bond, it's totally fine. And when we
think about the mechanisms in
neuroscience that drive our behavior
once we're in a relationship and even if
it's a platonic relationship um how do we
we
keep the relationship thriving? like how
do we what are the mechanisms I need to
be aware of in the brain and in
neuroscience that are going to enable my
relationship to be strong and thriving
whether it's platonic or romantic you
know because we talk about loneliness a
lot and there's so many people that are
struggling with loneliness and it's and
you know the reasons that we often
attribute to that are the way we're
living our lives or we're behind screens
or social media but you know you it was
really illuminating to me that you're
able to point to a mechanism in um
smartphones and social media that is
actually inhibiting us forming
relationship ships and I wondered if the
same mechanisms might inhibit us keeping
the relationships that we have.
Yeah. So I think there are so many
things that are going on there. So one
is like how is technology negatively
impacting our relationships and the
second is how do you maintain a healthy
relationship over time. So there's like
two different things that make sense
like what gets in the way
and how do you how do you keep your tire
nice and full of air versus how do you
uh fix it if a nail punctures it.
So let's start with like what technology
is doing. So this is what technology is
basically doing to our social
connections. There is a whole scale
social skills atrophy and a
deconditioning of certain parts of the
brain when we use technology. So the
first thing to understand about the
brain this beautiful thing about the
human body inanimate objects the more
you use them the worse they get. But the
moment that you have biology the human
brain doesn't wear out it rusts. So
inactivity of the human brain is
actually what causes problems. Okay,
that's number one. So we can look at
studies of like dementia prevention and
what we know is that encouraging
neuroplasticity through things like
learning how to play the piano at the
age of 60 will protect us from dementia.
So we need to utilize our brain to make
it the strongest.
This is also where you can look at the
physical body, right? So when I when I
think about what causes muscle atrophy
and what causes muscle growth, the more
I use my muscles, the more they grow.
The more you use your brain, the more it
grows. So when we look at connections,
if you actually look at human
communication, words are maybe I would
say 25 to 50% of communication at most.
So you can walk into a room and without
even hearing a single thing that's said,
you can know there's tension in the air.
Something is wrong. You can even like I
remember when I was a kid I used to get
bullied a lot, right? And I would walk
into a room and I immediately knew that
they were making fun of me.
Like all the conversation would stop and
everyone would look at like one person
would look at me, I'd see alarm in their
face, they would all see everyone else
would see the alarm in their face and
they'd look over and they'd see me and
no, everyone would stop talking. I know
I'm being made fun of. So body language,
tone, volume. This is really
interesting. So, there are even video
game companies that are starting to ban
people over voicecoms.
So, how do you know if someone is
toxically communicating or not? What we
used to do is use like words, right? So,
if you say some kind of racial slur in
chat, like if you type it out, the game
knows to scan for that. And then people
will start to get around that. They'll
use an at sign instead of an a. So, now
what they're doing over voicecoms is
measuring tone. So depending on the
volume of what you're saying, right?
Like that's how they're actually
detecting toxicity because that's where
toxicity exists. It's not, "Oh, hey
Stephen, you're a real loser. I really
dislike you." It's like, "Steven, bro,
you're such a loser, man. Oh my god."
And even if I say that, right, it's not
negative at all. Even though I'm using
negative words. There's another quick
aside. So men are really specific for
using the negative expression of a
positive affection. This is something
that's different about men. So what
we'll do is we'll actually say negative
things to a friend of ours to express
approval. Like when someone gets engaged
or gets married, it's like, "Oh man,
like it's the old ball and chain. We're
going to lose you. You're whipped." But
everyone's smiling, everyone's
congratulating you, but we just express
it in a negative way. Yeah.
Yeah.
So so much of our communication is tone,
is body language, is volume. Now what's
happening is everyone is texting. So
then the brain does something very that
it's designed to do. It's like, "Hey,
we're not using this thing. let's lose
it. So if you don't speak a language,
our brain forgets it. So as you this is
what a lot of people don't realize is
that there's a rise in social anxiety.
Why is there a rise in social anxiety?
It's because the parts of our brain that
reassure us in social situations are
starting to atrophy. So when we don't
pay attention to body language, when we
don't pay attention to tone, those parts
of the brain shut off. And then when I
go into a social situation, those parts
of the brain are inactive. So they can't
reassure me. Now what happens is I go to
a party that I was invited to or I go to
dinner with my friends that I was
invited to. I'm kind of sitting at the
end of the table. No one's really
talking to me and I'm like, "Oh, like I
really shouldn't be here. These people
just invited me out of politeness. They
don't really care about me." But if your
brain is functioning well, you're able
to read all of this non-verbal
communication that's reassuring. So when
it comes to platonic friends and why
this is hard, we are atrophying a lot of
the social skills, a lot of these brain
regions that allow us to form
connections, allow us to feel reassured,
allow us to feel safe right now, I kind
of feel like, oh, my friends are
inviting me, but I'm bothering them by
going. Like all these kinds of things
we're seeing more and more of.
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