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THIS One Question Determines if An Avoidant Will Progress the Relationship
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so maybe you've been dating somebody for
a while and you find yourself holding
out hope about whether or not they're
going to open up and you wonder is this
going to be something that builds
momentum or we just going to be stuck in
this limbo kind of gray area forever
where we spend time together we hang out
but we never have conversations about
where this is going or what the future
holds and maybe you're just not seeing
the progress you'd like to see in this
relationship well there tends to be one
specific question that I'll tell you I
would ask myself when I was seeing
couples in my own practice that really
determines whether or not somebody is
going to open up over time especially if
they are in avoidant and the recipe to
being able to really get a clear answer
from this question is not just to ask
the question but to properly vet what
followup is done so in today's video I'm
going to take you through one particular
question but also a follow-up process
that will really help you to determine
whether or not somebody is going to open
up over time time if they are going to
end up creating progress in the
relationship and my hope is that if
you're listening to this here today you
are going to be able to ask this
question yourself but know exactly what
to do after you ask it and for what
extended period of time so that you can
truly see whether or not there will be
progress with an avoidant in your life
and also make sure that you are not
getting stuck in a cycle of
self-abandonment and investing in
somebody who may not at this time be
so I want to share with you first a
little bit of a story here and this is
about when I was in practice so the
first year that I would work with people
you know I was working primarily with
individuals and over time as as time
went on I started to work more with
couples as well and sort of a
combination of the two and as I really
dove in later on into my practice into
the attachment style work and
relationship oriented work I realized
there really wasn't a big correlation
between whether or not people healed and
what their attachment style was that
wasn't the key indicator that I was
going to look for in other words it
wasn't like oh because this person's an
anxious attachment style or dismissive
avoidant or fearful avoidant that there
was more or less of a chance that
somebody was going to heal and I was
tracking this by the way quite closely
because I would see 40 or so clients a
week for a very long period of time and
I was really getting clear on the sort
of patterns and themes that were
emerging and over time the realization
that I came to when I would first start
working with a new couple for example
and they would come in on day one to my
office and have a conversation the
number one thing that I was looking for
was not what their attachment style was
was not how much trauma they had in
their past in their background was not
about anything related to that it was
about are both people willing to do the
work because if both people were willing
to show up and actually you know have
the hard conversations apply the tools
that I was giving that really targeted
their painful attachment patterns at a
subconscious level right so that we
could rewire and become securely
attached if people were willing to do
the work the relationship would
completely transform but if one person
was there as an ultimatum was kind of in
halfway in halfway out and really wasn't
willing to try to communicate
differently or apply the tools or make
an effort to try to mend their
relationship if they were just there
going through the motions that is when
there was going to be tremendous amounts
of challenge so I'll tell you like how
to ask this question but the most
importantly what follows okay so let's
say you're sitting and you're dating
somebody and maybe you've been dating
them for five years and you're trying to
see real progress into something much
more serious maybe you've been dating
them for six months and you're just
trying to see some sort of commitment or
see if there's momentum that can be
picked up in the relationship Dynamic
well one of the first things if you're
not feeling good about where the
relationship currently is is you have to
determine is this person going to be
willing to work on progress with me and
that actually requires you to be able to
have a conversation about what you're
looking for in a relationship and
generally this goes like you saying to
somebody hey I'm enjoying the connection
with you I really do want to see where
this goes but it's also important that I
value and care for my own time and I
need to see progress in this
relationship and I'm curious to hear are
you somebody who's in a position where
you're willing to progress things and
work on some things in this relationship
and that looks like and maybe you say A
and B one or two things you know
communicating our needs better or you
know being more open and more vulnerable
in this relationship sharing more deeply
making plans for the future whatever it
is that's where you get to say like what
you feel like is not progressing okay no
that's not the end of this conversation
it's only the the tip of the iceberg
here after you have that conversation
you are going to do a couple of things
number one if somebody says no I'm not
willing to make any effort I'm not
willing to progress you have to take
them at face value like if somebody's
saying I'm not willing to do any work
they're probably not going to change
their mind if they couldn't even get
through a conversation they're probably
not going to have continued
conversations about needs or progress or
things like that that is going to be
what you're looking for from a
relationship now I know a lot of you are
you know watching this video going well
then I'm scared to ask that question I
don't want to push the person away but I
promise you if you if you can't have
conversations like this all that is
happening is you are on a One trck path
to the relationship not working out
anyways and you're just extending the
time frame
from which it's you know clearly not
going to work out because the person's
not willing to try to progress things or
put in the effort you're just it's
almost like you're extending the
suffering you're just going to stay in
that gray area for longer until
eventually things hit this critical
threshold and maybe it's six months
later maybe it's a year later but then
things are inevitably not going to go
anywhere anyways so you have to be
honest with yourself like it may be
scary and vulnerable to have that
conversation but isn't it better to know
and not be wasting my time on somebody
who may not be in a place where they're
willing or able to inv best okay so
that's the first part there's a lot more
to this there's three other things I
want to go through let's say instead
that somebody says yeah I am open I am
willing to do that does that mean that
the conversation is now over and as I
really dove in later on into my practice
into the attachment style work and
relationship oriented work I realized
opened a Gateway into growth that it's a
great sign there's a good green flag
there but now what we have to do is we
have to set a
deadline for how long we are going to
invest in this person and we need to get
clear about what our standards are for
things that we want to see that would
change okay so for example if you see
that this person isn't vulnerable and
they're not willing to communicate about
conflict with you and hash things out
and you say like that's really important
to me the person says okay I'm willing
to work on that we can't just say okay
we're going to now wait for it to happen
forever we need to set a clear timeline
so this could look like you saying you
know what I'm going to work with this
person for three months on this and I'm
going to see if the needle moves in this
3-month period because this is really
important to me and during this 3
months it doesn't matter how much the
person says they want to work on
something you have to be able to invest
and vet their actions and not their
words okay so their words and the
confirmation that they're willing to do
this is great it's opening the Gateway
it's progress but what matters after is
what are those person's actions telling
you what are they showing you do they
actually even if they're not perfect at
it do they try to have a conversation
around conflict do they try to say okay
I see your perspective I see why that
hurt you here's mine are they open to
having that conversation differently or
are they open to if you needed more
validation or more effort do you see
those actions following what the what
the conversation was or did you just
hear the words once and nothing else
ever changed so you need to then set a
timeline and then you need to vet now I
want to say one thing to you if you try
to have this conversation I still have
one other really important piece to
share with you but if you try to have
this conversation and you're only having
the conversation without knowing your
needs and not really knowing what your
standards are what you're truly looking
for in the relationship you're also not
going to be successful at this and if
you want to go deeper in knowing your
standards and your needs and your
non-negotiables which to be honest you
must know in order to intentionally date
and you must know if you're in a
position where you're not sure if you're
in the right relationship right now or
you're not sure what kind of progress
you're looking for you need to know
these answers to these questions because
without understanding you're just moving
through everything on autopilot so I
will share with you there's a course you
can check out fully for free for a
limited time using the link down below
and it's all about how to know your
needs and standards and non-negotiables
in dating and then how to communicate
them in a healthy way where the person's
not going to feel that it's abrasive or
pressuring or like an ultimatum it's an
open dialogue and conversation it's easy
so I that is fully for free just for a
limited time down below but then the
last piece here is that if you do know
these things right and you set the
timeline you need to know that if the
person's making an effort it is
sustained effort over time that matters
why is this because if somebody goes
from not meeting your needs and then you
start communicating your needs and the
way I like to think of a relationship
between people with different attachment
Styles is it's almost like you know you
sit down and you want to play a game
with somebody you want to play a board
game and you sit down and you're so
excited and you're playing the board
game and all of a sudden there's all of
this chaos you're not agreeing on
anything or the way the rules are
supposed to work and then you come to
find out oh my gosh we're sitting down
to play a board game and you have the
rules for Monopoly and they have the
rules for Scrabble well of course
there's going to be all this unnecessary
friction and confusion in the board game
because you have different rules for how
the game is supposed to work and what
our attachment style really is is it's
our subconscious set of rules these
these rules that we've learned about
love and connection and what it should
look like and what we should need and
how we should rely on each other and so
if you haven't been in a position where
you can communicate about your needs
communicate about your expect ations
then you're just going to get caught
playing the board game with different
rules and having no idea why things are
so hard so what we need to see is that
when you share okay I'm looking for
Progress you share what it is that
progress means to you what needs you
specifically have and you ask that
question and then you set the timeline
and then you watch is there sustained
effort over time am I actually seeing
through their actions not their words
that they are progressing it doesn't
mean the person has to be perfect it
doesn't mean that because you
communicated a need once they have to
get it right 10 out of 10 times but if
you're seeing you communicated a need
and they got it right eight out of 10
times seven out of 10 times n out of 10
times they're making that effort that
sustained over time actually fires and
wires new neural Pathways in a person's
brain as they try to take these new
actions which turn them into habits they
make them become subconscious over time
the more we fire and wire things because
we rinse and repeat them and we practice
them and eventually that becomes your
new normal that becomes your set point
eventually these rules that you had that
were different you communicated you
found a healthy compromise in the middle
you practiced doing things in this new
way it became your new normal together
and you know what that does that is the
very thing that takes you out of the
power struggle stage of relationship so
if you didn't know we have different
stages we have the dating stage the
honeymoon stage and then we have the
power struggle and it's statistically
where most relationships end and this
the secret ingredient to moving out of
that that stage and having a thriving
relationship and building beyond that is
being able to truly know what your needs
are what the other person's needs are
and find the way to communicate through
those things practice that sustained
effort over time now that's your new
normal and you know how to relate to
each other with your new set of rules
you've developed together and in case
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style from insecurely attached to
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lives and have a weight list of people
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thriving and busy practice you can sign
up using a link down below the video and
I can't wait to see you there so those
are the major things that you need to
see in terms of okay is somebody
actually willing to do the work because
if this person's going to become
emotionally available in time or not
it's going to depend on your
communication directly you knowing your
needs and then you being able to vet for
their actions and behaviors not for if
they had the conversation just said said
yes in the moment with their words so I
hope that makes sense if you want to go
deeper into the topic there's that free
course for you down below um that's
really easy to get through really fast
we'll really give you a lot of insight
and um if you enjoyed this video please
like share and subscribe to this Channel
and I can't wait to see you in future
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