0:01 so maybe you've been dating somebody for
0:03 a while and you find yourself holding
0:04 out hope about whether or not they're
0:07 going to open up and you wonder is this
0:08 going to be something that builds
0:10 momentum or we just going to be stuck in
0:13 this limbo kind of gray area forever
0:14 where we spend time together we hang out
0:16 but we never have conversations about
0:18 where this is going or what the future
0:20 holds and maybe you're just not seeing
0:22 the progress you'd like to see in this
0:24 relationship well there tends to be one
0:27 specific question that I'll tell you I
0:29 would ask myself when I was seeing
0:31 couples in my own practice that really
0:34 determines whether or not somebody is
0:36 going to open up over time especially if
0:39 they are in avoidant and the recipe to
0:42 being able to really get a clear answer
0:44 from this question is not just to ask
0:48 the question but to properly vet what
0:51 followup is done so in today's video I'm
0:53 going to take you through one particular
0:55 question but also a follow-up process
0:57 that will really help you to determine
0:59 whether or not somebody is going to open
1:01 up over time time if they are going to
1:03 end up creating progress in the
1:06 relationship and my hope is that if
1:07 you're listening to this here today you
1:08 are going to be able to ask this
1:10 question yourself but know exactly what
1:13 to do after you ask it and for what
1:15 extended period of time so that you can
1:17 truly see whether or not there will be
1:19 progress with an avoidant in your life
1:21 and also make sure that you are not
1:22 getting stuck in a cycle of
1:24 self-abandonment and investing in
1:26 somebody who may not at this time be
1:34 so I want to share with you first a
1:37 little bit of a story here and this is
1:38 about when I was in practice so the
1:40 first year that I would work with people
1:41 you know I was working primarily with
1:43 individuals and over time as as time
1:44 went on I started to work more with
1:46 couples as well and sort of a
1:48 combination of the two and as I really
1:50 dove in later on into my practice into
1:51 the attachment style work and
1:55 relationship oriented work I realized
1:57 there really wasn't a big correlation
2:00 between whether or not people healed and
2:02 what their attachment style was that
2:03 wasn't the key indicator that I was
2:05 going to look for in other words it
2:06 wasn't like oh because this person's an
2:08 anxious attachment style or dismissive
2:10 avoidant or fearful avoidant that there
2:11 was more or less of a chance that
2:12 somebody was going to heal and I was
2:14 tracking this by the way quite closely
2:16 because I would see 40 or so clients a
2:18 week for a very long period of time and
2:20 I was really getting clear on the sort
2:21 of patterns and themes that were
2:24 emerging and over time the realization
2:25 that I came to when I would first start
2:27 working with a new couple for example
2:29 and they would come in on day one to my
2:32 office and have a conversation the
2:35 number one thing that I was looking for
2:38 was not what their attachment style was
2:41 was not how much trauma they had in
2:44 their past in their background was not
2:46 about anything related to that it was
2:50 about are both people willing to do the
2:53 work because if both people were willing
2:55 to show up and actually you know have
2:58 the hard conversations apply the tools
3:00 that I was giving that really targeted
3:01 their painful attachment patterns at a
3:03 subconscious level right so that we
3:04 could rewire and become securely
3:07 attached if people were willing to do
3:08 the work the relationship would
3:11 completely transform but if one person
3:14 was there as an ultimatum was kind of in
3:17 halfway in halfway out and really wasn't
3:19 willing to try to communicate
3:21 differently or apply the tools or make
3:22 an effort to try to mend their
3:24 relationship if they were just there
3:27 going through the motions that is when
3:28 there was going to be tremendous amounts
3:31 of challenge so I'll tell you like how
3:32 to ask this question but the most
3:34 importantly what follows okay so let's
3:35 say you're sitting and you're dating
3:37 somebody and maybe you've been dating
3:39 them for five years and you're trying to
3:41 see real progress into something much
3:42 more serious maybe you've been dating
3:43 them for six months and you're just
3:45 trying to see some sort of commitment or
3:47 see if there's momentum that can be
3:48 picked up in the relationship Dynamic
3:50 well one of the first things if you're
3:52 not feeling good about where the
3:55 relationship currently is is you have to
3:57 determine is this person going to be
4:00 willing to work on progress with me and
4:02 that actually requires you to be able to
4:04 have a conversation about what you're
4:05 looking for in a relationship and
4:07 generally this goes like you saying to
4:10 somebody hey I'm enjoying the connection
4:12 with you I really do want to see where
4:14 this goes but it's also important that I
4:16 value and care for my own time and I
4:17 need to see progress in this
4:20 relationship and I'm curious to hear are
4:21 you somebody who's in a position where
4:24 you're willing to progress things and
4:25 work on some things in this relationship
4:28 and that looks like and maybe you say A
4:30 and B one or two things you know
4:32 communicating our needs better or you
4:35 know being more open and more vulnerable
4:37 in this relationship sharing more deeply
4:39 making plans for the future whatever it
4:40 is that's where you get to say like what
4:43 you feel like is not progressing okay no
4:45 that's not the end of this conversation
4:47 it's only the the tip of the iceberg
4:51 here after you have that conversation
4:52 you are going to do a couple of things
4:54 number one if somebody says no I'm not
4:55 willing to make any effort I'm not
4:57 willing to progress you have to take
4:58 them at face value like if somebody's
5:00 saying I'm not willing to do any work
5:01 they're probably not going to change
5:02 their mind if they couldn't even get
5:04 through a conversation they're probably
5:05 not going to have continued
5:07 conversations about needs or progress or
5:09 things like that that is going to be
5:10 what you're looking for from a
5:12 relationship now I know a lot of you are
5:14 you know watching this video going well
5:16 then I'm scared to ask that question I
5:18 don't want to push the person away but I
5:20 promise you if you if you can't have
5:23 conversations like this all that is
5:25 happening is you are on a One trck path
5:27 to the relationship not working out
5:29 anyways and you're just extending the
5:30 time frame
5:33 from which it's you know clearly not
5:34 going to work out because the person's
5:35 not willing to try to progress things or
5:36 put in the effort you're just it's
5:37 almost like you're extending the
5:38 suffering you're just going to stay in
5:40 that gray area for longer until
5:42 eventually things hit this critical
5:44 threshold and maybe it's six months
5:46 later maybe it's a year later but then
5:47 things are inevitably not going to go
5:48 anywhere anyways so you have to be
5:50 honest with yourself like it may be
5:52 scary and vulnerable to have that
5:55 conversation but isn't it better to know
5:56 and not be wasting my time on somebody
5:58 who may not be in a place where they're
6:00 willing or able to inv best okay so
6:01 that's the first part there's a lot more
6:02 to this there's three other things I
6:05 want to go through let's say instead
6:07 that somebody says yeah I am open I am
6:09 willing to do that does that mean that
6:12 the conversation is now over and as I
6:14 really dove in later on into my practice
6:16 into the attachment style work and
6:19 relationship oriented work I realized
6:21 opened a Gateway into growth that it's a
6:22 great sign there's a good green flag
6:24 there but now what we have to do is we
6:26 have to set a
6:29 deadline for how long we are going to
6:33 invest in this person and we need to get
6:34 clear about what our standards are for
6:36 things that we want to see that would
6:38 change okay so for example if you see
6:40 that this person isn't vulnerable and
6:41 they're not willing to communicate about
6:43 conflict with you and hash things out
6:45 and you say like that's really important
6:46 to me the person says okay I'm willing
6:49 to work on that we can't just say okay
6:51 we're going to now wait for it to happen
6:54 forever we need to set a clear timeline
6:55 so this could look like you saying you
6:56 know what I'm going to work with this
6:58 person for three months on this and I'm
7:00 going to see if the needle moves in this
7:01 3-month period because this is really
7:04 important to me and during this 3
7:06 months it doesn't matter how much the
7:08 person says they want to work on
7:11 something you have to be able to invest
7:14 and vet their actions and not their
7:17 words okay so their words and the
7:18 confirmation that they're willing to do
7:19 this is great it's opening the Gateway
7:22 it's progress but what matters after is
7:25 what are those person's actions telling
7:26 you what are they showing you do they
7:28 actually even if they're not perfect at
7:30 it do they try to have a conversation
7:32 around conflict do they try to say okay
7:33 I see your perspective I see why that
7:36 hurt you here's mine are they open to
7:37 having that conversation differently or
7:39 are they open to if you needed more
7:41 validation or more effort do you see
7:44 those actions following what the what
7:46 the conversation was or did you just
7:48 hear the words once and nothing else
7:50 ever changed so you need to then set a
7:53 timeline and then you need to vet now I
7:55 want to say one thing to you if you try
7:56 to have this conversation I still have
7:58 one other really important piece to
8:00 share with you but if you try to have
8:02 this conversation and you're only having
8:04 the conversation without knowing your
8:05 needs and not really knowing what your
8:07 standards are what you're truly looking
8:08 for in the relationship you're also not
8:09 going to be successful at this and if
8:11 you want to go deeper in knowing your
8:12 standards and your needs and your
8:15 non-negotiables which to be honest you
8:17 must know in order to intentionally date
8:19 and you must know if you're in a
8:20 position where you're not sure if you're
8:22 in the right relationship right now or
8:23 you're not sure what kind of progress
8:25 you're looking for you need to know
8:27 these answers to these questions because
8:28 without understanding you're just moving
8:30 through everything on autopilot so I
8:31 will share with you there's a course you
8:33 can check out fully for free for a
8:34 limited time using the link down below
8:36 and it's all about how to know your
8:38 needs and standards and non-negotiables
8:40 in dating and then how to communicate
8:42 them in a healthy way where the person's
8:44 not going to feel that it's abrasive or
8:46 pressuring or like an ultimatum it's an
8:49 open dialogue and conversation it's easy
8:51 so I that is fully for free just for a
8:53 limited time down below but then the
8:55 last piece here is that if you do know
8:56 these things right and you set the
9:00 timeline you need to know that if the
9:02 person's making an effort it is
9:04 sustained effort over time that matters
9:07 why is this because if somebody goes
9:09 from not meeting your needs and then you
9:11 start communicating your needs and the
9:13 way I like to think of a relationship
9:14 between people with different attachment
9:17 Styles is it's almost like you know you
9:19 sit down and you want to play a game
9:20 with somebody you want to play a board
9:22 game and you sit down and you're so
9:24 excited and you're playing the board
9:25 game and all of a sudden there's all of
9:27 this chaos you're not agreeing on
9:28 anything or the way the rules are
9:29 supposed to work and then you come to
9:31 find out oh my gosh we're sitting down
9:32 to play a board game and you have the
9:34 rules for Monopoly and they have the
9:36 rules for Scrabble well of course
9:37 there's going to be all this unnecessary
9:39 friction and confusion in the board game
9:41 because you have different rules for how
9:42 the game is supposed to work and what
9:44 our attachment style really is is it's
9:46 our subconscious set of rules these
9:48 these rules that we've learned about
9:49 love and connection and what it should
9:51 look like and what we should need and
9:53 how we should rely on each other and so
9:55 if you haven't been in a position where
9:58 you can communicate about your needs
10:00 communicate about your expect ations
10:01 then you're just going to get caught
10:02 playing the board game with different
10:04 rules and having no idea why things are
10:06 so hard so what we need to see is that
10:08 when you share okay I'm looking for
10:10 Progress you share what it is that
10:12 progress means to you what needs you
10:14 specifically have and you ask that
10:15 question and then you set the timeline
10:17 and then you watch is there sustained
10:20 effort over time am I actually seeing
10:22 through their actions not their words
10:24 that they are progressing it doesn't
10:26 mean the person has to be perfect it
10:27 doesn't mean that because you
10:29 communicated a need once they have to
10:30 get it right 10 out of 10 times but if
10:32 you're seeing you communicated a need
10:33 and they got it right eight out of 10
10:36 times seven out of 10 times n out of 10
10:37 times they're making that effort that
10:40 sustained over time actually fires and
10:43 wires new neural Pathways in a person's
10:45 brain as they try to take these new
10:46 actions which turn them into habits they
10:48 make them become subconscious over time
10:50 the more we fire and wire things because
10:52 we rinse and repeat them and we practice
10:54 them and eventually that becomes your
10:56 new normal that becomes your set point
10:58 eventually these rules that you had that
10:59 were different you communicated you
11:01 found a healthy compromise in the middle
11:03 you practiced doing things in this new
11:05 way it became your new normal together
11:07 and you know what that does that is the
11:09 very thing that takes you out of the
11:11 power struggle stage of relationship so
11:12 if you didn't know we have different
11:14 stages we have the dating stage the
11:15 honeymoon stage and then we have the
11:16 power struggle and it's statistically
11:18 where most relationships end and this
11:20 the secret ingredient to moving out of
11:22 that that stage and having a thriving
11:24 relationship and building beyond that is
11:27 being able to truly know what your needs
11:29 are what the other person's needs are
11:31 and find the way to communicate through
11:32 those things practice that sustained
11:35 effort over time now that's your new
11:36 normal and you know how to relate to
11:38 each other with your new set of rules
11:40 you've developed together and in case
11:42 you missed it you can now reserve your
11:45 spot and get more than a 50% early bird
11:48 discount for our live relationship coach
11:50 certification program this 12we program
11:52 gives you the opportunity to build a new
11:55 career create your own thriving coaching
11:58 practice help your community and secure
11:59 your financial future future full of
12:01 abundance with a growing weight list of
12:03 clients and the best part is that you
12:04 get to spend a whole bunch of time with
12:07 me as I teach you exclusive subconscious
12:09 reprogramming tools and help you learn
12:11 how to change somebody's attachment
12:13 style from insecurely attached to
12:16 securely attached so that you can truly
12:18 help create transformation in people's
12:20 lives and have a weight list of people
12:22 waiting to work with you we also have an
12:24 entire business week about how to build
12:26 funnels systems and to really build a
12:28 thriving and busy practice you can sign
12:30 up using a link down below the video and
12:33 I can't wait to see you there so those
12:34 are the major things that you need to
12:36 see in terms of okay is somebody
12:39 actually willing to do the work because
12:40 if this person's going to become
12:42 emotionally available in time or not
12:44 it's going to depend on your
12:47 communication directly you knowing your
12:49 needs and then you being able to vet for
12:53 their actions and behaviors not for if
12:54 they had the conversation just said said
12:56 yes in the moment with their words so I
12:58 hope that makes sense if you want to go
12:59 deeper into the topic there's that free
13:01 course for you down below um that's
13:03 really easy to get through really fast
13:04 we'll really give you a lot of insight
13:07 and um if you enjoyed this video please
13:09 like share and subscribe to this Channel
13:11 and I can't wait to see you in future
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