True romance, in the sense of fostering lasting love, requires setting clear boundaries and expectations early on, even if it means stating a willingness to leave if mistreatment occurs, rather than relying on conventionally romantic phrases.
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There are plenty of options that press
themselves forward for consideration as
the most romantic phrase we could ever
utter to someone. I will never leave
you. I feel utterly seen by you. You are
incomparably beautiful. But we may need
to go down another more surprising
sterner route to really honor the
inquiry. If we define romantic in an
effective sense, meaning helpful to the
survival and enhancement of love, then
we may need a very different approach,
we may need a sentence like, "If you
ever stop being nice to me, I will leave
you in short order. It may sound brutal
on first reading, bitter, paranoid, a
bit jumpy, far from what we imagine
romantic to mean. There must be a mistake."
mistake."
But with a few ghastly experiences
behind us, we'll know that this is
precisely what we may need to say in a
kindly but confident voice if the
qualities on display in a sweet opening
moments of love, tenderness, kindness,
consideration, thoughtfulness,
politeness are not to give way in time
to scratchiness, irritability, neglect,
and infidelity.
It's a bitter truth that other people
treat us more or less exactly in line
with the way we imply that we can bear
to be treated. Lovers sense one
another's limits and will push
relentlessly forward until they reach
them. If we send out signals that we
will reluctantly but passively take
mystery, take unfair accusations, take a
lack of effort, take cancelled plans,
and take the constant intrusions of a
gang of mean-minded friends. Then cruy,
this is precisely what we will end up
having to deal with. Our furniture will
be scratched, our fridge emptied, our
patients exhausted. The human animal, in
all its perversity and sinfulness,
subtly, intuitively adjusts to precisely
the expectations placed upon it by its
partners. We do as much as, and not a
jot more than we're called upon to do.
We'll do manners when manners have been
insisted upon, and we'll do casual
impedent disrespect when they haven't.
We'll do apologies when these have been
set as the price of peace, and otherwise
we'll sulk and throw blame around. As
teachers with impeccably behaved
classrooms have long known, the audience
adjusts itself to whatever expectations
have been defined. Those who signal big
consequences seldom have to meet them
out. Surprisingly, though such
intentions may sound harsh, no one
especially minds. They may even feel
immensely grateful and more loved. It
can be profoundly reassuring to be in
the presence of people who promise to
protect us against our own sloppiness,
who restrain our temptations to
decadence, who are on the side of our
more exigent hopes for ourselves. No
child actually likes an adult who will
let them do anything, and nor does a lover.
lover.
Half the population have known all this
in their bones from the start. The
wisdom began on the first day of school.
Don't let them mess around with you for
a moment. If they touch a hair on you,
they won't know what hit them. Those who
were protected by other people, grow
into native experts at protecting themselves.
themselves.
But the rest of us, the ones who may
have wasted a decade or two in
shenanigans with sweet-faced monsters,
we need to learn the lessons the hard
way. from waking up in appalled wonder
after our bank account has been emptied
or our partner vanishes with someone
they had an affair with online. Those
with a bad childhood must suffer twice.
The first time in the childhood itself,
the second from the expectations of ill
treatment that they silently bring to
bear upon their adult relationships.
The next time we begin a love story, we
must be immensely kind. Of course, we
must listen. We must invite them out. We
must remember special occasions and send
sensitive messages.
But we must also defend ourselves with a
lion's strength against their and our
own temptations to cruelty. We will only
make love truly flourish by insisting
very tenderly, very early on, that we
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