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Uninventing the modern family: Nicole Letourneau at TEDxWhitehorse | TEDx Talks | YouTubeToText
YouTube Transcript: Uninventing the modern family: Nicole Letourneau at TEDxWhitehorse
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Summary
Core Theme
Modern families are failing to meet their fundamental evolutionary and societal functions due to a shift towards individualism and isolation, leading to detrimental effects on children, parents, and the elderly, necessitating a return to multigenerational, supportive family structures.
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today I want to answer the question are
modern families working and I want to
persuade you that they're not working
and that I know the real reasons why
not but first I want to share a quick
example of the day of a day in the Modern
Modern
Family perhaps you're a parent of a
school-aged child perhaps your children
will reach that age soon or perhaps
that's aent memory perhaps you're a
grandparent of school-aged children
whatever the case put yourself in the
place of a parent of a school-aged child
day you wake abruptly to your radio
alarm you swing out of bed you get
showered scrubbed brushed and dressed in
a hurry you dash down the hall hurry
hurry you push Brew in the coffee maker
you whip up cereal and eggs you prepare
school lunches you dash upstairs you
coax and pull your sleepy children from
bed you dash downstairs fill the
dishwasher feed the cat check a few
emails leave an important one unanswered
because you just don't have time shout
for kids come to the table the kids arri
and you Swig coffee you help locate
socks homework backpacks coats mitts
cell phones make sure the kids hair is
combed teeth are brushed clothes are
clean you nudge the kids into their
coats you push and pull on their boots
and the just found mitts and you make
sure all the lights are off the doors
are locked and you slam the back door
familiar I believe that today's families
are isolated harried and very often
overwhelmed with the multiple demands
from careers making ends Meat House hous
work and caring for
children I also believe that the family
but especially children are suffering for
it statistics Canada data tell us that a
quarter of Canadian children have
developmental delays at school entry
that will likely haunt them throughout
their school lives and affect their Career
Career
Success behavioral and emotional
problems are rampant in children and way
too many children are medicated for
ADHD we don't even know the long-term
effects of this treatment but early data
tell us that it's not so good to be on
ADHD medications over the long
term for parents postp parent depression
affects 15% of mothers and 10% of
fathers that's between 1 in seven and 1
in 10 new parents my own research has
demonstrated that depression never
really goes away for many women with
symptoms persisting at least over the
next 12 years and it doesn't end there
suicide rates in the elderly are on the
rise in Canada and the US elderly man
are the number one suicide risk today
and I believe that all these factors
cause but to really answer the question
are modern families working we have to
think about what families are for I
think it's pretty clear families are for
raising and nurturing children mainly
but also for supporting all family
members to have good lives families meet
our Dee rooted ancient need for social
affiliation and I call this family type
family version
1.0 in prehistorical times you didn't
survive alone groups provided strength
and numbers against the vast threats to
survival over time our brains evolved to
make sure that we stayed close to loved
ones the ones who helped us to
survive it happened this way humans that
Affiliated and stayed close to the group
or tribe survived to pass their genes on
to us the the loners were much more
likely to perish in the cold due to
predation by animals or from Hunger
they were much less likely to reproduce
in any case so they didn't pass on their
loner genes so I guess really loners
sexy so for the rest of the survivors
social affiliation becomes more and more
deeply embedded in our genetics our
deepest physiological impulses and our
behaviors and over time to be alone and
apart from the group becomes stressful
families serve the dual function of
reducing our stress associated with
aloneness it's programmed into our very
genetic code for how our brains and
bodies develop and mature and families
provide group members with the loving
attention each of us needs to survive and
and
thrive we know children's brains do not
develop well when deprived of loving
attention from group members and we call this
neglect like unw like untended unwatered
fruit neglected children and neglected
children's brains Wither on the vine
adults deprived of social support in the
face of stress will struggle too not
just mentally but also physically
Neuroscience has shown us how stress
faced alone without loved ones plays
havoc with our brains and our bodies not
only mental disorders but common
physical ailments like diabetes and
heart disease are linked to stress in
the absence of support from loved
ones it's worst of all for the adults
who are faced with too much stress and
not enough love and attention in both
childhood and adulthood loving adult
relationships can help overcome a lot of
the problems of childhood but not all
today without predators and other
threats we Remain the product of our
Evolution we need each other not for
survival but for good
lives families that love and nurture
each other help make sure that all
family members reach their potential and
contribute to society cared for family
members are less likely to suffer from
chronic diseases that affect productivity
productivity
families that work are the social engine
of society families that work ensure
that children grow up to be financially
independent contributing citizens
families that work ensure that children
grow up to find a lifemate and ideally
have their own children who will also
grow up to be financially independent
contributing citizens success today
means paying taxes and ultimately
contributing to a country's wealth the
gross domestic product and when family
members have grown old families that work
work
families that love and care enough about
their elderly will look after them into
their old
age when you've been cared for so well
by someone how else could you leave them
all alone in their old age when they
were there for you reliably over the
years how can you return their kindness
with indifference and families that work
think in these terms so I told you how
we evolved in groups anthropological
data suggests we lived in groups of 20
to 30 extended family members classical
past family version 1.0 fames also had
many more children because child
mortality was very high until recently
children were cared for by parents
supported by extended family and
siblings clearly today's families of one
or two parents caring for one or two
children are a historical anomaly it's a
new version of the
family that I call Family
2.0 in other words what's normal
today is really not normal in the span
of human history and
evolution today today children need to
be raised for the new knowledge economy
to be educated adapted adaptable and
cognitively flexible knowledge workers
this requires family environments rich
in lots of lovering nurturing care and
stimulation you know play they need
attention they need something to listen
to someone to listen to them they need
time then they need people who have the
time for them in other words the
historical anomal of having one or two
parents during one or two children was
inadequate for ancient families and I
believe even more so today when children
need more rather than less attention to
Sur to
thrive we need the extended kin network
members more than ever in human history
but where are those family members
now for many families now there just
aren't enough responsible adults around
to get all the jobs done let alone
nurture children toward
success and they need this to be
successful and independent how did this
happen and I think it began gradually as
early as the colonization of North America
America
families were split as some immigrated
and some stayed and family and social
isolation became the new normal but by
far the biggest event that contributed
to the Modern Family of one or two
parents caring for one or two children
was likely the second world war when
Soldier husbands and fathers went to war
women became accustomed to Parenting
alone to working to support a family
alone when the war ended the Boomers
were born and were held up by their
parents and later themselves as the greatest
greatest
generation Boomers were born to parents
who had been through hell and wanted
nothing more than to forget and live the
rest of their lives in pleasure of
course they wanted their children to
have pleasurable lives and to create a
new world of peace love and harmony and
this attitude spilled over to their
adored children who learned the lesson
well live for
today other modern advancements
certainly contributed like birth control
with birth control you now have free
love no strings
attached taken together so many birds
sing the same song to a generation of
baby boomers live for yourself live for
pleasure become the me
generation and I just have this quote
from wikkipedia the baby boomers born
during the 1946 to 1964 Baby Boom were
dubbed the me Generation by writer Tom
Wolf during the 70s Chris lash was
another writer who commented on the rise
of a culture of narcissism among the
younger generation the phrase caught on
with the general public at a time when
self-realization and self- fulfillment
were cultural aspirations among young
people who considered them far more
responsibility the Boomers also enjoyed
a prolonged period of economic
Prosperity enabling them to sell for
wealthy retirements and continue to
enjoy the fruits of their labors
thankfully removed of responsibility for their
their
families not so much for their children
unlike the Boomers who generally found
work and were able to enjoy relative
Prosperity their grown children and the
shadow of the Boomers today must
typically move for work and far away
from their
families in Canada everyone knows that
the countless families who have left
grandparents behind in the maritimes or
somewhere in the East for greener
pastures in the west but it happens
everywhere Ral communities are empting
out to grow today's cities in today's
normal now the Boomer's grandchildren
learned the lessons well from two
generations grandparents who live for themselves
themselves
and parents who moved to make better
lives for themselves no surprise we now
have the Millennials also known as the
me me me generation or the second
greatest Generation take your pick
whatever the name it's not getting any
better it's getting worse by all
accounts and unlike the suggestion made
on the cover unless this generation are
able to undo Millennia of evolution that
has been the very reason for our
survival and our success unless they're
able to dispense with their ancestral
need for social affiliation with
families as the most recognizable
example I think our culture and our
society are in trouble we need to do
something in
soon all of these historical events
cultural shifts towards narcissism and
scientific advances have created The
Perfect Storm rather than boomer me
generation and now the millennial me me
me generation we need a we generation we
3.0 as a society we must return to our
ancient understanding that we are in
this life together or you suffer the
consequences alone our society are very
social fabric families families will no
longer serve their evolutionary
functions if we fail to recognize this
ancient knowledge we'll have lost the
social machine we've relied on forever
to nurture and raise children and
provide a Haven for from stress for
members so they can all contribute
meaningfully to
society and due to the demands of the
new knowledge economy and what it takes
to turn it a high functioning citizen
today we need more nurtur adults than
ever to help kids meet their potential
and Thrive today so to answer the
question of whether modern families are
working I emphatically say no modern
families are not working they're not
doing what they're designed to do and
the new demands on families required us
to find a solution in family version 3.0
so what can be done about
it we have to perform a cultural trick
we need to re-engage the Boomers and the
Millennials or really we need to work to
reestablished multigenerational families
of parents grandparents and children at
least we can start with the Boomer me
generation ideally re-engaging Boomers
will serve as a wakeup call to the
millennial M me me Generation by all
accounts boomers are still having a ball
with Freedom 55 they have the freedom to
take care of their health and enjoy the
activities they love the opportunity to
win them back to make them see that
there's more Delights in living for me is
is
now I don't think it'll be hard to nudge
the inet the parents I guess I could
speak to that as they will generally
benefit from the help and attention but
it'll be hard for them to get used to
likely to do this we need three
things social pressure slick marketing
and policy changes but more than a trick
it's a hot trick first we need social
pressure to address
narcissism we need to change social
conditions so it's not cool to be
narcissistic like living only for
yourself and for today because it's
hurting everyone just like second hands
smoke much like it's not cool to smoke
in public places or indoors anymore
narcissists need to be sent outside and
Out of Doors in the rain or the snow to
do the narcissism and lack of social responsibility
responsibility
alone for example when people first meet
at dinner parties or other Gatherings
new introductory questions need to be
added along with the standard what do
you do for a living people need to ask
questions that gauge the leveled
narcissism and social responsibility
like when did you last see your parents
or your grandchildren and when the
answer is last year your response should be
be
a a gas of
dismay as though you whipped out a cigar
in a non-smoking
restaurant people need to learn to
become embarrassed to admit how little
they see and support their family
members but first we need to ask the
questions a little shame and blame may
be motivating the alternative is to
pretend there's no problem with the
modern family and that won't hurt won't
help anyone
we also need second slick marketing from
cradle to grave we need more than public
health campaigns we need marketing
campaigns like McDonald's we had the
expectation of family members being
there for family members woven into our
social fabric like so many Brands who
figured out what so many of us are
missing their names instantly conjure up
emotional themes that speak to the
functions that families should
provide families shouldn't lie to you
just like Coke won't after all C's the
real thing and like families makes you
smile or McDonald's you deserve a break
today or I'm loving it the notion of
your family your family should conjure
up similar responses families today need
a sck marketing
policies I know love that we had to put
that in we need social public and work
rated policies and even tax incentives
we will still need a social safety net
because there will always be exceptions
like orphan children but families should
be woven into our social and
work-related policies and as important
as our freedoms and our democracy we
could provide tax rebates for
grandparents who travel to visit
grandchildren and Grand and children and
provide short-term help with child care
we could have policies to support family
reunification in Canada like tax
incentives or grandparents to move near
their grown children or vice versa I
would bet that grandparents see their
children more are more engaged and live
longer healthier lives
workplace policies that enable grown
children to connect regularly with their
aging parents would also be helpful in
the past you needed to leave your family
for work and now with the internet you
can remain with your family and work
remotely no
problem in fact this could be made a
requirement like vacation time after all
all the evidence suggests that spending
time with loving and nurturing and
supporting family me support of family
members is good for you and this would
give family vacation a whole new meaning
Health and Social Services agencies
could do more to engage families and
caring for their own focusing more on
supporting families to be independent
than stepping in and doing for them
Health and Social Services professionals
will remain busy they can help families
support each other through guiding
grandparents and parents with the best
strategies to help kids reach their
potential they can help families by
helping parents understand and work with
their own parents through family therapy
and counseling as needed it will be very
hard at first to become family version
3.0 the Wii generation and a risk for
families that have been that close
before but it's got to start somewhere
or really it's the end of something that
sustained our species since before time
and I'm not ready to jump into that
Abyss are you so let's revisit our early
morning scenario with the wi generation
morning this time you wake to your radio
alarm you swing out of bed you get
showered scrubbed brushed and dressed
you walk down the hall to the kitchen
you whip up cereal and eggs and coffee
you find the kids lunches that Grandpa
helped prepare last night in the fridge
and put them in the backpacks you wonder
what the kids at school will think of
Sardine sandwiches but laugh at how they
all laughed making them you think back
on the fun evening Grandpa and Grandma
spent with the kids and us you think so
nice they that they are here to help
what a difference that makes to our
morning tonight I'll drop by their place
after the kids music class to thank them
and see how they are I hope Dad's
arthritis is a bit better then you walk
upstairs to coax and pull sleepy
children from beds you think my emails
can wait because I'll arrive at work on
Grandpa so I believe there's a huge and
mostly missed opportunity for the Boomer
me generation to be more present in the
lives of their children and
grandchildren we all need to set
examples for the millennial me me me
generation we need to take the best of
Family version 1.0 of large extended
families caring for children and each
other merge it with family 2.0 and
create a new version family 3.0
family members working and caring for
each other together in the we generation
thank you [Applause]
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