The core theme is about cultivating self-love and understanding as the foundation for healthy relationships, emphasizing that readiness for a relationship stems from internal completeness rather than external validation or filling a void.
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What's the difference between wanting a
relationship and being ready for a
relationship? M one of my favorite ways
to frame this uh which I think we can
all relate to is you shouldn't go
grocery shopping when you're starving. >> M
>> M
>> we don't tend to make the best choices.
We grab the first thing we see. We grab
all the things that we want that look
exciting, right? Ooh, that'll taste so
good. I want this. I want that. Not
necessarily what we need. And that, in
my opinion, applies to dating and
relationships as well. When you go out
into the world, you start dating, you're
looking for a relationship, you want to
have a pretty solid understanding of
what it is that you're looking for. You
want to have a pretty solid
understanding of how you love yourself,
how you show up for yourself, the life
you want to create for yourself, the
relationship. That would be an added
bonus to that life that you want to
create. rather than feel like you're
trying to fill a void, you end up
seeking connections from a place of
desperation that that can't be
fulfilling because it's essentially
pouring into a bottomless pit of trying
to fill this this bottomless void. So,
in my opinion, asking yourself those
questions first, really spending time
understanding who you are, what you
want, how you can love yourself, how you
can support yourself, how you can commit
to building a life you like, and the
relationship that could be a bonus. I
also want to add the caveat that it's
not as if you have to go hide away, do
all of those things, and then come out
and find the relationship. It can it can
happen at pretty much the same time with
the focus being on understanding all the
things I just said, who you are, what
you want, etc., and not go looking for
love when you are uh metaphorically starving.
starving.
>> I love that truth bomb. That's that's
huge already. that idea that we're
constantly looking for love when we're
starving rather than being really really
clear and being in a healthy sense of
hunger. Like you have an appetite, >> right?
>> right?
>> But you're not starving because we all
know that when you're starving, you're
so spot on. I I think about all I was I
was literally going through all the bad
decisions I've made
>> at the grocery store.
>> At the grocery store or what I eat when
I'm starving, I will pull up at a gas
station. I will buy two bags of chips, a
Reese's bar. Yeah, totally. Like
everything that you don't want to be having
having
>> and then on the way home you're
regretting it
>> and you love it while you're eating it.
>> It's the best while it's there, right?
And it's, oh, this is everything that I
wanted. And then 10 minutes later,
you're probably hungry again. You're
probably crashed out from the sugar
high. You need a nap. And you feel even
more exhausted and still hungry after
you're done.
>> Yeah. Yeah, I feel like that just
directly applies to the kind of
relationships, the kind of connections
that we choose when we're we're acting
from that place of starvation,
desperation, um emptiness.
>> Yeah. And and the hard part about that
is that it's so real today to feel that
way, to feel lonely, to feel desperate,
to feel not chosen. What do we do with
all those emotions then? Because we're
used to running for the quick solve
because those emotions are so heavy and
hard to sit in. What do you do with all
those emotions when you're not getting
to just curb your craving by getting
some fast food or fast love?
>> Build selfrust.
Selfrust is imperative
for liking who you are, understanding
who you are, making decisions that align
with who you really want to be. And of
course, that pays off in our
relationships. There there are four C's
when it comes to selfrust in my opinion.
First one is curiosity. Are you curious
about who you are, why you do what you
do, the feelings that you feel, um your
motives and intentions behind the
decisions that you make, what you want
out of life. Is there curiosity? You
can't trust yourself if you don't know
yourself. And from curiosity can come
comprehension. So it's really important
that you lead with curiosity. The second
one is capacity. So that's emotional
flexibility, emotional stability. Like
you like you just asked, what do we do
with these big emotions? You build the
capacity to stay anchored in who you are
even when you feel really sad, even when
you feel really helpless or hopeless or
overwhelmed, angry, frustrated. Can you
find an anchor in yourself that you can
support yourself through all of those
emotions? That's capacity. The third one
is compassion. Having humanity for who
you are, having an understanding that
you are a flawed human who makes some
poor decisions sometimes, right? And
being able to meet yourself with a
softness, with a warmth is imperative.
Like absolutely paramount. And we're
talking a lot about relationships here
today. If you aren't compassionate with
yourself, you'll be far less likely to
be compassionate with the people around
you and and your significant other and
such. The changes we want to make don't
typically happen from a place of
rigidity, blame, shame, judgment. They
happen from a place of compassion and
support and love. And then finally, the
fourth one is commitment. The fourth C
is commitment. Your commitment, your
devotion to being who you want to be,
making decisions that really align with
that and building a life that feels so
fulfilling, so good from within. There's
no way around it. You can have the first
three, if you don't have the commitment
to bringing who you want to be to
fruition, to building that life, things
go astray. So, you need that fourth one
as well. No,
>> I like the four C's.
>> Thank you.
>> Yeah. And they feel like they take a lot
of time. I can't imagine doing that in a
month or 3 months. And like you said, I
think I think our idea around doing work
before dating, and you alluded to this
in a healthy sense,
>> we kind of at one point started to
believe we had to be complete before we
met someone. And as someone I've been
married now for nine years and with my
wife for 12, I thought I knew who I was
when we met. And that was a good
foundation. But I have discovered so
much more about myself and grown so much
more in the last 12 years than what I
thought. And so this idea that we have
to be fully formed, fully complete,
fully perfect before we meet someone
doesn't really add up.
>> I would even say any relationship will
change you. Some for the better, some
for the worse, right? If there isn't any
change happening in the relationship,
you probably aren't actually showing up
to it.
>> And more to your point, when you enter a
healthy, safe, loving relationship,
it's going to reflect back to you the
parts of you that you haven't yet seen,
worked on, grown through, grown out of,
grown around. But I believe you have to
be able to discern what is growth versus
what is judgment or a lack of acceptance
or an opportunity for for growth anyway
because Rody could come to you and say,
"Jay, I'm I'm really noticing that you
haven't been present with me and I I
miss you. You know, I I want more time
with you." If you don't have the
awareness that that's probably coming
from a place of love, from a desire to
improve your relationship, if you don't
have a growth mindset, you'll get
defensive. You'll snap back. You won't
listen, and you'll drive a wedge even
further between the two of you. So I I I
think you need to practice some of those
four C's so that you have the awareness
of what growth feels like, what it's
like to meet yourself, so that when
you're in a relationship that is asking
you to grow more, there's already a
familiarity there. I do I do think
that's important.
>> It's so important. But what's so
interesting about your what you're
saying and I'm so glad you've gone in
that direction
is you're saying relationships
take growth and are almost for growth,
but we don't get into them wanting that.
We get into them wanting pleasure or joy
or relief or companionship.
>> And what you just said is,
>> well, no, it's about growth.
Talk to me about that difference between
our expectation and why you think
relationships are actually about growth.
>> As you grow, as you know yourself, like
yourself, all the things we talked
about, you don't need as much from the
relationship itself. You aren't
expecting the person that you're with to
be a validation machine, to meet you in
every way, in every moment, all the
time, so perfectly. you can show up and
actually allow the other person to meet
you in this almost third entity. There's
you, the other person, and then the
relationship that you create together.
And that means I get to bring my
insecurities, you get to bring your
insecurities, I get to bring my good
stuff, you get to bring your goods,
right? And we meet each other there. And
it's it the point of a relationship is
just to relate to another person, right?
to walk alongside them to be a source of
love, encouragement, enthusiasm, and to
grow individually in your own right. But
I agree with you that I think one of the
biggest problems today with people or
for people who haven't really taken the
time to try and meet themselves. It is
what can I get? What can I get? I'm not
getting enough. I need to get more. This
isn't what I wanted. With very little
consideration for the other person in
this third entity that is the
relationship. It's something that I'm
really grappling with as we're talking
about it to try and help people shift
their perspective because we're not
saying that it's growth that is growth
that you
that brings you pain or stress or
>> we're saying it's growth that inspires
you to become better and be better
>> and it may take you a second to make it
inspiring for each other. So in the
start it may rub you the so for example
as you said when Ry comes up to me at
the beginning and says hey I need you to
do this or that my ego is quite high and
I go well why don't you do it for
yourself and then it drives a wedge
between us and then over time you
respect and love so much about this
person that you start to go well wait a
minute maybe they're saying it from the
right place now I've grown to have the
ability to recognize that everything she
says is from a place of love and now
maybe I'll be able to receive it and the
third time she says it I'm almost
noticing I've been not present myself
and I can say, "Hey, I haven't been
present." And now we're not trying to
live in a world where I am always fully
present because that's never going to
happen. That's not realistic.
>> But it goes from her saying it and me
being triggered to her saying it and me
being aware and then me noticing it even
before she says it so that I'm actually
able to explain why I may not be
present. Sometimes I'll say to Radi,
"Hey, you know what? The next week's
really intense for me. Mhm.
>> I think I'm just going to be a bit less
around because I've got some things to
focus on and I just want you to know
it's got nothing to do with you or I've
just got a lot on right now. And I find
that that's really helpful for a relationship
relationship
>> and that's emotional safety. choosing a
partner and building a relationship that
is based in trust, emotional safety,
your your ability to see, hear Rod's
take and trust that she's coming from a
loving place, not from a critical place,
not from a defensive place. That
requires emotional stability, that
requires emotional safety. So, when you
choose a partner, look at this in early
dating is what is the character of the
person that that you're seeing? How do
they treat their friends? How do they
treat their family? Are they a person of
integrity? Are they typically kind and
well-intentioned? Because that's going
to bloom into a relationship with with
that same character, right? Where
>> someone gives you feedback. This person
that you're building a relationship with
gives you feedback. Can you trust that
they're well-intentioned in their
feedback? That what they're asking for
or what they're reflecting back to you
is for the greater good of your
connection, right? um or of simply a
request to love them better, to love
them in the way that they want to be
loved. And assuming you want to be a
person who does that, assuming you want
to be a person who participates in the
emotional safety and the stability, then
you're able to hear that underneath the
request or the feedback, etc., rather
than get defensive. But it it requires
trust and it requires emotional safety. Absolutely.
Absolutely.
>> Yeah. And and how do you know the
difference between someone's request
being inherently good versus
unreasonable? Because I imagine when
people are dating, they may hear quite
often, hey, I don't think you're
present, or you missed my friend's
birthday, or you missed this, you missed
that. And you almost feel like they're
not hearing you. How do you make sense
or decipher between someone's feedback
being inherently good and for the
relationship versus just being an
unreasonable request? If there's too
much black and white thinking, if
someone comes to you and says, "You
skipped my friend's birthday, you didn't
remember that important meeting that I
had last week, and you forgot to take
out the trash. You must not love me. You
don't care about this relationship, and
I I won't stand for it. I won't have
it." That's unreasonable. That's that's
ego speaking. That's an insecurity.
That's not kind. That's not a loving way
to communicate or to think. If someone
can come to you and hold the nuance
there, can see the color. Hey, you've
been really stressed, right? You had a
really busy week. You forgot about my
meeting. You missed my friend's
birthday. You forgot to do the you
forgot to take out the trash like you
said that you would. I know you've been
busy. Can I help support you in some
way? and is there any way that you can
make the event next week with me be
really important, right? So, it's being
able to hold, hey, this hurts. Hey, I
see where you're coming from. You're a
human with finite capacity and I don't
expect you to be a superhero here and
the relationship is important, right?
There's there's so much color in there.
So I think the straightforward answer to
your question is if it's black and
white, if it's demanding, and if it
really only considers one perspective,
one side, then
you might want to consider a different approach.
approach.
>> Yeah. And that's really great awareness
for ourselves as well, >> because
>> because
we all want everyone else to communicate
with us in an emotionally intelligent
way, but then when it comes to us
sharing our needs, and I it's so
interesting when you were saying that,
it resonates so deeply. It makes so much
sense. And then I go, where do people
even learn all of this? Right? Like,
we're doing this podcast so that people
can learn and grow, but I'm listening to
you going, I don't know anyone who
naturally communicates that way because
they didn't see that in their home. They
didn't have that through friends or
family. They didn't have any training,
of course. And so, we all do the other
thing, which is you always choose
yourself. You never show up for me. You
don't love me. We we all do that version.
version. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> And so sometimes you're in a
relationship with someone and you see
that, but then you're like, but I've
been with everyone else and they, you
know, they're worse than you, so I guess
this is it.
>> You hear all the time, love is
consideration, right? Love is an action.
Love is consideration.
Yes. But not consideration beyond
someone's capacity.
Right? People can only meet you as
deeply as they've met themselves. they
can only meet you um given whatever
whatever emotional resources they have
available to them at any given time. And
where we get stuck is expecting someone
to anticipate and meet our needs all the
time uncommunicated. And then there's
this devastating disappointment when
they don't when they don't show up the
way that we want them to. That's not a
lack of love. That's dependency.
>> That's a parent child dynamic. not
having to ask, having all your needs
tended to without you know any
forewarning or insight. That's not an
adult adult partnership. So you you have
to consider the kind of relationship you
want to build and the partner you want
to be as the other half of that because
I'm assuming it's someone who is
patient, who is willing to see the the
limited resources that someone has
available at some time, right? Can can
tolerate a certain amount of
disappointment when you aren't met in
the ways that you want to be met.
someone who's loving and warm in their
communication and their understanding.
When you know you want to be those
things, then you can start practicing.
Even if it wasn't shown to you, you can
take stock of where you aren't showing
up in those ways, where you can be a
little bit better at showing up in those
ways. But I really, really think it
starts with accountability first. Take a
look at your side of the street. When
you've taken a look at your side of the
street, if you're in a relationship,
then bring it to conversation, right?
like, "Hey, let's co-create this thing together."
together."
>> How can we do this together? >> Yeah,
>> Yeah,
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reserve. I feel so many people right
now, I'm sure you hear it all the time,
are burnt out and exhausted with dating.
They're just tired of dating and they've
either developed mindsets like there's
no good men left.
>> All the good men are taken.
Oh, you know, well, she's not quite
right. Whatever it may be, right?
Everyone has their version, but people
are exhausted with dating. Mhm.
>> We talked about what happens when you go
out there starving. What do you do when
you feel exhausted?
>> Well, you have two options.
Number one, you can stop. You can not
date. That's an option. Take a breather.
It doesn't have to be a full-time job.
It doesn't have to feel like a full-time
job. It's good to focus on other things. Or
Or
you can shift your expectations.
not needing to walk into every first
date as if you're interviewing for your
future spouse, for the position of your
future spouse, like such high stakes,
such high pressure. Can you go in and
try to have fun? You know, can can you
change the the energy that you want to
bring to the room where you're just
meeting someone new? You're going to go
grab some dinner. You're going to go
grab coffee. You're going to go grab
drinks. Whatever it is, can I enjoy
myself? Can I have fun with it? and
deciding the energy you want to bring to
the function typically allows you to
enjoy the function more
>> rather than feeling like okay here we go
again another disappointment you know
another let down another waste of time
don't do anything with that with that
mentality with that energy or attitude
um so you can either stop or shift your
energy shift your perspective
>> yeah I was speaking to a friend the
other day and she was saying she goes
she said to me I just wish men realized
how long it takes a girl to get ready
And she was like, "I got ready." She was
like, "I looked real cute." And she was
like, "He didn't say anything." She was
like, "This guy that she went on a first
date with,
>> he said she didn't say I looked lovely.
He didn't say it was nice to see me." He
didn't say it was lovely. He was She was
just like, I didn't feel like he
>> What a bummer.
>> Yeah. And she was so let down. And she
was just like, I I really put effort
into how I,
>> you know, got ready. I was excited about it.
it.
>> And it just felt like it wasn't just
that he didn't notice her visually. He
was she was like the conversation didn't
go either. But I can imagine that that
kind of feeling repetitively gets tiring.
tiring. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> But at the same time, you're so right
that it gets tiring when there's really
high stakes on it every time
>> and it being perfect or being the one or
being the moment.
>> It's almost like
>> it's almost like you made it you made it
harder for yourself
by going out wanting it to be the night.
>> Yes. Whereas if you just gone out and
even if you did put in all that effort
and everything, but you like that about yourself.
yourself.
>> And if you had fun, right? I'm a girl. I
love getting I love my 2hour long
process of getting ready for an event
and you know, the music's playing, the
vibe is good. That's fun. I enjoy that.
I enjoy that.
>> So, I do it more. I do it when when I
want to. It's it's a process that I I
want to engage in. I also think I I'd
like to start a petition to bring back
flirting in general. Like I think we
we've lost the art of flirting because
flirting is fun and not flirting that
has to lead to anything.
>> Not fl you you find someone attractive,
there's a little bit of chemistry, you
share a five minute conversation, it's
flirty and it's fun and it can end there.
there.
>> It can end there. You show up to a first date.
date.
>> Can I tap into that? you know, the the
back and forth, the banter, the fun, the
chemistry with no strings attached just
for the the sake of connection and fun. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> I don't know how we'll start that, but
>> we got to figure it out. Bring backition
bring flirting back.
>> Yes. Bring back flirt.
>> Yeah. I wonder I I feel like it's
disappeared mostly because people aren't
used to speaking in person in the time
that things are flirty. So, most of the
flirting happens over message.
>> Yes. And then by the time you get in
front of each other, you have to have a
real conversation, which is kind of like
a hard shift to go from flirting on the
phone to, you know, through text to them
being interesting in person. >> Absolutely.
>> Absolutely.
>> So, absolutely.
>> Do you do you believe the spark is real
and does it matter?
>> Absolutely. Spark is real and it
matters, but it changes and it fades and
it grows in other in other instances. I
I I think you need to feel an immediate
attraction to someone that you are
romantically interested in. That doesn't
mean you are flooded, overwhelmed, like
hot and sweaty, can't can't catch your
breath. You're
>> doesn't have to be that. But you do need
to think, I'd like to be a little closer
to them, scooch my chair a little bit.
You know, I should figure out a way to
to talk to them, you know?
>> But that's that's not to say that
connection and intimacy and attraction
can't grow over time. They absolutely
do, especially for women. Especially for
women. But you you should find the
person that you're dating attractive.
And there should be a spark of yes, I
want to be physically closer to them,
but I also want to know more about them.
There's some magic here. There's some
some something to work with. I think
there has to be. But
as you get to know a person, as the
novelty wears off, that spark will
change. And that's okay. I don't think
we need to discount anyone if there
isn't some immediate firework. And we
should prepare for that spark to change
if you plan on on starting a long-term relationship.
relationship.
>> Yeah. When when can the spark mislead
us? How does it mislead us?
>> When it feels like you're on a roller
coaster, when you find yourself pining
for someone, there's a I I like to say
we only obsess over people who aren't
fully available to us. And that spark
can really be mistaken or the obsession
can be mistaken for a spark where
there's something we're projecting onto
someone that is so fullon it feels like
an obsession. And there's this this gap
between who they are and who they could
be. The relationship that you could have
and the relationship that you actually
have. And that gap in between is a
reflection of who you would get to be
and how you would get to feel if the
fantasy became a reality. And that can
feel like a spark, can feel like a deep,
overwhelming obsession. Anyone who's
who's been through this knows how
all-consuming it can be. Um, but when
we're projecting a fantasy onto someone,
that spark can can take us away into a
whole other world.
>> Yeah, I fully agree. And and it's so
hard because when you're doing that, you
don't even know you're doing it.
>> Nope. No. I um typically not at first.
If you experience it enough times, it'll
be a pattern. It's probably happened. If
it's happened once, it'll probably
happen again unless you catch it because
you shouldn't feel like you're falling
off a cliff, right? You shouldn't feel
like a freef fall of of adrenaline and anxiety.
anxiety.
You should be excited to see someone.
excited to to be around them, to to get
to know them, but it should not feel
like the the ground falls from
underneath you
>> um when you're with them or not near
them or uncertain about what's going to happen.
happen.
>> What's the difference between chemistry
and compatibility
and what's more important over time?
>> I think compatibility in terms of shared
values and visions of the future. People
optimistic compatibility for similarity
in all aspects, right? I need to find
someone who likes the same movies I
like, listens to the same music, prefers
to eat all the same foods that I do,
goes to sleep at the same time, right?
You don't need an identical copy of you.
In fact, that would probably drive you
crazy. What I think compatib
compatibility really boils down to in a
more important sense is how do you value
your time, attention, and energy when it
comes to the most important things in
your life? If you are someone who values
family, you want children one day, you
want to be married, you want a long-term
partnership with love, honesty, trust,
all those things, you need to find
someone who values family, kids, being
married, um prioritizing
the family above just their own innate
desires, right? You h those values have
to align, otherwise you're headed for a
disaster. Same thing with visions of the
future. If you start dating someone who
wants to live out of a van and travel
around the country and wants to kind of
have this nomadic life and you want to
live two blocks away from your parents
and you know in Iowa and forever and
that that's home for you. I love that
for both of you. You're probably not
meant to be together. That'll be a
really contentious relationship. I I
like to say don't order what's not on
the menu when you meet someone.
If they say work is their most important
priority, that's their top value, don't
get into a relationship expecting to
change that about someone. It's not fair
to them. It's not fair to you. That's
compatibility. Chemistry, in my opinion,
boils down to the magic that you feel
just being around someone. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> It can it's almost palpable.
There's whether that's a quiet intimacy,
like a soft intimacy, you're pulled
towards each other, whether it's banter
and wit, have a similar sense of humor,
whether it is physical attraction, you
just want to jump their bones and you
can't help but kiss them and all the
things. That to me is chemistry. And you
want you want that. But chemistry won't
build the long-term relationship, the
long-term partnership that some people
want. Not everyone. Some people don't. But
But
>> I loved your distinction between
compatibility and similarity
>> because I think that's
to me that's the real hurdle for people
because I I talk about this where me and
my wife are just completely the opposite
people in terms of we don't have a lot
in common when it comes to likes and
dislikes and things like that. But from
a values and vision point of view, we
respect and we don't even have the
directly the same values and vision, but
we respect each other so much that it
allows for a healthy relationship. So my
purpose, my work is my number one
priority. And my wife is her family. But
I love when she spends time with her
family and she loves seeing me pursue my
purpose and therefore there isn't
conflict. Whereas if she said, "Jay, you
have to give up your purpose to be with
my family." Or if I said, "Well, you've
got to give up your family to spend time
with my purpose." That wouldn't work for
us. And I find that to be a really
common thing I hear from people where
the biggest mistake you can make in a
relationship is one of you wants the
other person to change for them and the
other person doesn't want you to change
at all.
>> And the truth is you're both going to
change, but not in the ways the other
person wants you to.
>> You're just going to be become who you
are going to become. And it's so
interesting to me that I meet so many
people who almost want their partner to
play a very specific role in their life,
not realizing that that human is
evolving, growing, and shifting
themselves and is unlikely to do that.
>> There's a real opportunity to see beyond
ourselves. If we find find that dynamic
at play where I need them to show up in
this way, they need to be just so.
That's black and white thinking. That's
right. It's it's limiting to you, it's
limiting to the other person, and it's
limiting to the relationship. That's the
And that's hard to accept because if
you're outsourcing all of your needs,
desires, and wants onto another person,
you're going to be disappointed. And if
you expect to be met in all the ways you
want to be met all the time, you're
going to be disappointed. There has to
be a bit of accountability there.
>> Where am I not taking care of myself?
Where am I not pursuing what I really
want to spend my time, attention, and
energy on? That's there's probably a bit
of that that's lacking because if you
expect someone else to do it for you to
change in all the ways you want, that's
that's a self-centered view.
>> And you can at the very least consider
how important is everything that I'm
asking for right now. Could I live
without this and still be okay and still
be happy? Maybe it's a season. Maybe
it's just a season.
People think love is supposed to carry
them through decades and decades of
relationship. Just love, just the
feeling that it should be peaceful and
restful all of the time. Sometimes it's
work. Some seasons are work where, hey,
I really want this. And they say, I
really don't. And your top value is your
commitment to each other. Then you're
going to figure it out and that's
probably going to be a stormy season.
But no one really likes hearing that
because it means we have to tolerate
some disappointment and take some
accountability which doesn't always feel
very good.
>> Is love enough?
>> Love the feeling or love the action?
>> You tell me.
>> Love the action is because love as an action
action
is willingness.
Willingness to find the color, the
nuance, the balance. Willingness to
learn to love someone how they want to
be loved.
willingness to show up and be loving
when you feel the least loving. You
know, people say,
"I would die for my partner. I love them
more than anything in this world. I
would literally lay down and die for
them." Okay, but would you put your
phone down when they're telling you
about your day? Do you take their hand
when you're walking down the sidewalk
with them? Do you notice when they come
home from work and their mood is a
little off? Do you take the time to stop
and ask them about it? To remember the
little things that they tell you to
care. That's love. That's love as an
action. That's what keeps connection.
Love as a feeling will be fleeting if we
don't follow it. Follow it through.
Follow it up with action.
>> So there is a difference between love
the feeling and love the action.
>> I think so. Do you?
>> Yeah. No, I I agree. No, I never thought
about it like that. I think love the
action requires
so much more emotional intelligence and
maturity than love the feeling. I think
I was in love when I was 16
>> all the time.
>> All the time.
>> Yeah. All the time.
>> And I did not back that up with actions.
I think going back to the piece about
people changing, I think people change
for people because they're so scared
that that person has so many options.
So, I'd rather change to be everything
you want me to be so that you don't
leave me to find someone else. But in
that process, I'll become someone I
don't even recognize
because I didn't want to become that
person at all. And now you'll leave me
anyway because you can tell I'm not
really authentically that person. So, it
almost hurts twice. one in unbecoming
yourself and then in losing the other
person anyway because you didn't become
who they needed you to be. So many
people today feel like there's plenty of
fish in the sea. There's so many
options. What do you do when you meet
someone you like them, but you can tell
that they have some detachment because
they have this idea that there's plenty
of fish in the sea and you're trying to
hold on to them. You can tell you're
trying to hold on to them knowing that
they might ultimately let you go anyway.
>> Do you value commitment?
Do you value someone who also knows what
they want? If you have a if you have a
clear vision of the kind of relationship
you want, the way you want your
relationship to feel, consistent,
reliable, warm, fun, the playful. When
you understand that, it becomes a lot
easier to discern who's for you and
who's not. Someone who's still worried
about all the other fish in the sea,
who's easily distracted, who catches
that catches their eye, that catches
their eye, and you feel like you have to
control them. If it feels like you have
to control them, it's not love. And you
can't build a relationship, a fulfilling
relationship from that place. So, if you
notice that they don't value the same
things you do, they don't value
commitment in the same ways, then
they're probably not for you. Because
the last thing you want to do is chase
after them, try and convince them to
want the same things that you want. And
please, I'll show you how good it'll be
if you'll just choose me. Then you end
up losing yourself in a in the very ways
that you're trying to avoid in the first place.
place.
>> It's always hard. But I always find that
we're willing to tolerate bad behavior
from someone we're really into
>> versus someone we're kind of into.
>> And so when we say we want reliability,
if the person we're really into doesn't
message back, we'll be patient. But if
someone we're kind of into doesn't
message back, we're like, "Oh, red flag."
flag."
>> That was me. That was I mean, that was
that was a childhood childhood wound of
am I lovable? Am I difficult to love?
Who do I have to become to get someone
to choose me, to pay attention to me?
Right? So, you kind of like me. You kind
of are interested. You kind of pay
enough attention. I'm going to get the
other 50% of that attention from you.
I'm going to earn it. I'm going to
tolerate the hurt, the disrespect
because you're giving me a little bit of
what I want and I'm going to prove it.
And then I'd get into relationships,
fully chosen, stable love, very good
people, and I'd test them. No, you
don't. here. Mm-m. I'm going to show you
that I can rebel against this. I'm going
to show you that I'm hard to love so
that then I can come back and earn it
again. That is an that is a childhood
wound that doesn't heal until you take
accountability for it. It wasn't until I
realized the pattern at play. And I got
sick of my own I got sick of the
same hurt, the same anxiety, this the
same cycles. Like, I don't want this.
And then I took accountability and
realized that the stability and the love
that I was looking for was going to
require me to make valuebased decisions
first and foremost and really show up
and support myself and soo myself. When
I wanted to run or when I wanted to beg
or when I wanted to to react, I had to
Little tidbit about me. I was going to
ask you what what did how bad did it
have to get for you to take accountability?
accountability?
>> I really lost myself chasing
Had given up on dreams,
lost all confidence, tolerated
just the worst possible behavior. Just
was a shell of myself really and truly.
And when you reach that that level, when
essentially rock bottom, you either have
to pull yourself out or you realize how
deep and dark it'll feel until you find
the courage. And you don't want to live
like that. I didn't want to live like
that. I knew that there was an option
and I knew it was going to be hard and I
knew that it was going to take a hell of
a lot of time, uh, attention,
understanding, patience for myself. But
one of the best things, one of the best
things I've ever done, a big piece of
what actually got me into this work,
quite frankly.
>> Tell me about that.
>> The pattern I was just talking about,
you know, choose me, see me, what can I
do to earn your attention? That
primarily came from my mother. And my
mother died of cancer
um back in 2019.
that was so devastating
and yet so
healing because of the the way we were
able to repair before she passed. So we
had we got to have these conversations
peel peel back be so honest so honest
and the safety and space it created
feeling seen and chosen and loved in
such a way even though it was the end
there was something about that moment
and obviously the journey of grief that
came after that that changed me to my
core and this was all happening around
the same time the the feeling like I was
at rock bottom the the death of my
mother there was So much going on there
where I realized that I was looking for
evidence to confirm or deny the beliefs
that I had learned in this motheraughter
dynamic growing up that I was hard to
love that I was difficult to love that I
needed to fight to be chosen. I was
looking for evidence to confirm that
everywhere and it felt awful. It felt
awful. So there was a bit of the love
and support and honesty
that I was able to find in these
conversations with my mother and then
the work that I did after she passed to
learn to show up for myself and no
longer tolerate
those beliefs, no longer take those
beliefs as fact. And that was really
where where the work was. That's where
the work came from. First of all, sorry
for your loss because it sounds like a
really difficult time through everything
that you just mentioned.
how useful was it to repair with her?
And could more of us
heal our relationships with our future
partners by repairing our relationships
with our parents in any way.
If you have the option,
if you have the option, it's worth a
try, but you don't need to.
>> You don't need to. And I I was so
blessed and so lucky to be able to
number one have the time before she
passed because she was sick. Um but for
her to also have an open heart and an
open mind to meet me there.
>> I know that that's that's not a luxury
that everyone everyone gets and that's
really hard.
>> If anyone can relate to that, I I just
want to acknowledge how there's a grief
in and of that,
>> you know, that you that you don't have a
parent that will meet you in such a way.
You don't have a person of such
importance that will meet you meet you there.
there.
But there absolutely is a process of
a similar strategy I just explained that
you can do on your own
>> which is meeting yourself in the ways
you wish that parent would meet you.
What what do you wish they would say?
What do you wish they would validate
about you? Because my guess is what you
wish they would validate about you are
the same things you bring into those
romantic relationships. I wish you would
accept me. I wish you would just love. I
wish you would look at me and say, "I'm
so proud of you. I see you." There's
probably a few flavors of that that show
up in in your conflict with your
romantic partner. Right? And if you're
with someone who is safe and loving and
patient romantically, you're you can
have some of these conversations with
them. Hey, I feel this way. You know,
maybe it came from mom or dad, maybe it
didn't. But communicating that, sharing
that, that's how we grow in relationship
is by bringing these beliefs. Hey, what
I'm feeling is this. What I'm hearing in
this conversation, I heard you just say
that you don't love me and you don't
care about this relationship. And they
look at you like, I just told you that
that I that I was going to be home 2
hours late. What do you I didn't what?
Right. That's and that's where the
understanding and the healing and the
reprogramming really comes from. But it
takes a hell of a lot of vulnerability. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> That's not always comfortable, but it's
always worth it. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah. >> Always.
>> Always.
>> Yeah. One of my early experiences of
love was I was overloved and then I was
made to feel guilty for not
reciprocating back at that level. And so
when I first started dating my wife, I
would do exactly the same. I would over
love and then guilt her for not
>> loving me in the same amount back. >> Scoreboard.
>> Scoreboard.
>> Totally. And her reaction
was very human and eventually helpful
because I love her and there were so
many other things that were so worthy of
love that her reaction was just she
pulled away because she didn't
understand. Because at one point she'd
be like, "Well, I didn't ask for you to
over love me."
And then she'd be like, "But I am loving
you, just not exactly perfectly in the
way that you're saying it." Like, and
because I believed her, because I
believe there was truth to it, I
remember the moment the penny dropped
for me where I was like, "Oh my gosh,
like this is exactly me repeating a pattern.
pattern.
>> No wonder no one wants to." And I saw my
sister do the same. And I just I just
noticed how like that was how we were
trained to love.
And I remember the moment I realized
that and I could find all these other
patterns in how I loved my wife in an
unhealthy way, it just transformed our
entire relationship because now there
weren't there wasn't any of that. And
it's so funny because I felt so
righteous in that belief at the time
that I was like, I must be right. Of
course, I'm right. I'm the one who's
doing everything.
Where did it turn?
>> Your realization. When did it was it
something she said? Was it
>> Well, it was it was her pulling away
>> and it was almost like it kind of made
the scoreboard not work. >> Mhm.
>> Mhm.
>> Because in my relationship with love, if
someone did that to me, I just turned up
how they wanted me to turn up.
>> But what was the thing that helped you
realize that it was a a personal
pattern? The the accountability of, oh
that's my stuff to own. I think it
w it ended up if I because it was so
long ago now. I I believe it was
probably ended up being a conversation
>> where I think my wife said something to
me like I just don't know what I could
ever do to make you happy. Like I'm like
I just don't know. Like even if I did
this and I did this and I did that, I
don't even know if it would ever be enough.
enough.
>> And I think when she said that to me and
I thought about it, I was like, "Yeah, I
think she's right. I don't think it
would have even if she did all those
things that I said I wanted >> Yes.
>> Yes.
>> or thought back it would never be enough
because I'd just find something else.
And when I also started to realize that
when I went above and beyond for her, it
was never because she asked for it or
wanted it or even one of the things I
went above and beyond for. So that was
also self-inflicted. And actually, if I
was more present and aware, then maybe
I'd meet her with where she wants and
what she wants
>> almost like you almost. So like you
could get love.
>> Correct. Absolutely. That I felt I had
to earn it. And so you're giving a lot
thinking that's how you get love. Not
realizing love was in the everyday and
the little things and the beautiful
things and the you know the things that
are there. And then and then there was
another conversation that we had. This
was a few years later that was really
illuminating was I said to I feel like
I'm always planning our vacations
and I do all the planning and the detail
and everything and it's almost like I
don't feel like I get the break. And she
was like, "I'm more than happy to plan
it, but the difference is," she was like, "When
like, "When
you plan something, I'll happily do
whatever you plan, but when I plan
something, you'll have a hundred things
you'll find wrong with it, and you'll be
unhappy about it." And that really hit
me because I was like, "God, she's so
right." Like, that's exactly what I
would do. I would I would be upset at
the schedule and the timeline and
everything because I have a viewpoint on
how it should be done. And therefore,
she allows me to plan it because she
knows I'll be happier that way on both
accounts. But so it's so interesting how
so much of it is self-inflicted because
I I've found the more the more I take
responsibility for how I need to change
and the more she takes responsibility
for how she needs to change, the better
our relationship gets rather than her
telling me how I need to change and me
telling her how she needs to change.
>> Well, and what a common I I call it the
criticism and withdrawal loop. One
person says, "I want more." The other
person says, "Why is nothing that I do
ever enough?"
>> And that can quickly spiral.
>> Yeah. taking your taking your story for
example, hey, I always plan these
things. I would love it if if you would
plan the vacations more. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> She could easily say, I I I threw out
this idea last time and you shut me down
and I tried to throw out this idea
before and and you won't go for it.
Nothing I ever do is not Where do you
want me to go with this? >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> And it turns into this spiral and then
after that there's a withdrawal or the
criticism gets louder. I told you you
didn't plan this last vacation and you
know what? You haven't planned any date
nights either. It all falls on me.
What's really being communicated is,
"Hey, can can I share this mental load?
Can I can can we share in in the
emotional labor here a little bit? I can
you show up and can you help? Can I get
some support? Can I feel your
connection?" Right?
>> That would mean a lot to me. And I'm a
little overwhelmed. I feel like I can't
quite find the right words or the right
thing. And it feels like you don't
accept me like you don't like nothing I
do is valued. >> Mhm.
>> Mhm.
>> Same same driving intention very
different ways to approach the conversation.
conversation. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah. >> Right.
>> Right.
>> So our ability to understand why
something is bothering us. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> And communicate that is paramount. Mhm.
>> In addition, being able to listen in for
the intention, even if your partner
can't explicitly communicate it, is also
really important.
>> Maybe you and Rody can give everyone um
a master class. And
>> no, I think we we we both generally
just, you know, it's been I think for us
generally, they've been very healthy
conversations because we both have a
similar understanding of not raising
voices, not getting angry. like we we
both have a good
set of rules that I think we set early
on what we wanted conflict to look like
or disagreements to look like.
>> Did you know to pick someone with such a
temperament? Was it apparent when you
first met each other or was that
something that was communicated
or happened just coincidentally? I think
I got lucky at the start and then
became more conscious of as we got more
serious and have become even more
grateful as years have gone by. >> Mhm.
>> Mhm.
>> And so I think there was a bit of luck
in the beginning and then
>> developing it
>> naturally drawn to her temperament maybe.
maybe.
>> For sure. For sure that way. Yeah,
there's definitely that there was a
natural draw but it was an unconscious
>> experience in the beginning then became
more conscious and focused and developed
and I always think that it's like you
you can get a lot of things right
without not know without knowing but
then once you know it's good to focus on
getting them better. >> Yes.
>> Yes.
>> Um but I wanted to ask you this
question. You say one of my favorite
things that you say. You said in a video
that you can tell how much you love
yourself by the partner that you've chosen.
chosen.
Tell me about that. Well, I pose it as a
question because
if you hear someone say in in the video
I think you're referring to, how would
you feel if someone said that they can
tell how much you love yourself by the
partner that you've chosen? Does that
feel like a compliment or an insult?
And what it that really distills down to
I'm not passing a judgment on your
relationship, but the way you feel about
that question can offer a lot of
insight. Have you tolerated
treatment that
really really doesn't feel great?
>> It doesn't really feel loving. It's not
what someone would put up with if they
loved themselves. Or man, I've chosen a
really patient, loving, incredible
person. you know, some part of me must
like myself enough to choose someone who
loves me in such a way. It's really
really most mostly about reflection.
>> What is it that we're choosing? And am I
am I making decisions, building
relationships, investing in
relationships that reflect love, love
for myself? And and back to the values,
>> you know, am I making decision based on
my values or am I stagnant? Am I
complacent? Am I participating in this
this negative dynamic as well? >> Yes,
>> Yes,
>> it's really about reflection
>> and seeing what comes up for people.
>> Yeah, it's a great reflection. Such a
great question and it's a great way if
you're dating right now to really make
the right shifts and changes.
>> Absolutely. And and if you're married
and you feel like you made the wrong
decision, what would you do if someone's
listening to that and they're going
like I'm listening to you right now, Q,
and that that feels tough
because my partner's not present.
I don't I know they love me, but
you know, I'm not sure we I think we
lost it somewhere along the way. What
would you say to them?
>> I love that distinction, too. I I say
dating is
dating is about discernment. Marriage is
about devotion,
>> not the other way around.
>> Say that again.
>> Dating is about discernment, not
devotion. Devotion is to be saved for
marriage or long-term relationships,
long-term partnerships. That's important
as you're making decisions.
But what I would say to someone
who's realizing that maybe their
relationship dynamic is not as loving as
they would want it to be, first things
first, take a look at your side of the
street. That doesn't mean that doesn't
mean it's your fault. This is not a
blame game, but if you envision the kind
of relationship you want with this this
with your husband, with your wife, with
your partner, what does it consist of?
And how can you add more of that now?
How can you be the first to add to try?
How can you show up as the partner you
want to be? Where's the appreciation for
the ways that they are making effort?
It's really easy to get sucked into the
into a disappointment spiral. Like you
go down the rabbit hole and all you can
see are the things that they aren't
doing, the things they're doing wrong,
the ways that they aren't showing up.
Pull yourself out of that. M
>> if you want your relationship to work,
you have to pull yourself out of that.
>> Even if you choose to leave, don't
choose to leave in the bottom of the
disappointment spiral anyway. You clean
up your side of the street and go first.
>> Great advice. Yeah,
>> that's what I would say. The followup to
that is have a conversation with your
spouse. Hey, I want more of this because
I love you. I feel really distant. I
feel really lonely. We both have a lot
going on. Can we come up with a plan to
reconnect? What do you want more of?
Here's what I want more of. Can we get
on board? It doesn't have to be u so
humrum, you know, negative, oh, we have
to fix this. It can be an exciting thing
if you want it to be. And if you come
with the right energy and if it is the
right person, then they'll at least try
to meet you there.
>> Yeah. What's the difference between
keeping someone accountable and trying
to change them?
>> I don't think you can keep people
accountable. M I don't really believe
that it's possible
>> or hold someone accountable.
>> If you're with someone who's really
lacking consistency, they're not really
following through on their word and
you're thinking, I I I I need a little
bit more here. They they're not taking
initiative. I I can't trust them to do
what they say that they're going to do.
You can bring that up. This is what I'm
noticing. I'm finding it hard to rely on
you because you haven't done the things
that you said that you were going to do.
I mean, can we talk about this? And if
they say, I want to be a more
consistent, reliable person. Thank you
for bringing that to my attention.
Great. Now, they want to make that
change. You've brought it to light. It
is on them to make the change.
>> You can lovingly, hey, again, this thing
didn't get done, but it's the buck stops there.
there. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> You can't be you can't be breathing down
their neck. You definitely don't want to
meet them with criticism or or constant
disappointment. People don't actually
change from that place.
>> So if they want to make the change
themselves, great, beautiful. The onus
is on them. You can be loving and
supportive in the process, but I don't
believe that we can really hold people
accountable and we definitely can't
force them to change.
>> I fully agree and and I think the
hardest part of it is you know how hard
it is to change yourself. So, even when
someone says they want to change
themselves, you got to realize how hard
that is, right? You may have your
partner say to you, "Yeah, I I really do
want to work out and get in the gym
more." And then they're never in the
gym. They're always watching sport.
They're hanging out. Whatever it is, you
know how hard that is to do. And so,
it's such an interesting dynamic because
we almost think change should be really
easy for other people knowing that it's
really hard for ourselves.
And then when they don't change, we're
upset or disappointed in them. And if
you just thought for a second about how
hard it is to change yourself and build
good habits yourself, I think you'd have
more empathy and compassion for someone
else. That's that's how I see it. At least
least
>> we tend to judge ourselves by our our
intentions and we tend to judge others
by their actions or their follow through
or the result of their thing, right? So
I meant to go to the gym 5 days this
week. I really only made it once, but I
intended to. I, you know, I had a lot
going on. My intentions were good. I I
tried. They don't go to the gym five
times a week. They only go once. And
suddenly, it's a reflection of their
character, right? They're unreliable.
They lack discipline. They aren't
motivated. That hold on here. Let's
let's find the color amongst all this
black and white thinking. I totally agree.
agree.
>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's it's it's the
toughest one I see. It's I always just
feel like
and that's why I love that you said
start on your side of the street because
I think a lot of relationship language
and podcasting and conversations right
now are all about how do you spot if
someone's good and I'm just like it's a
dangerous game to play because in that
scenario you're always the detective and
the secret agent and the other person's
always the villain in some way. And
while that can be true in in certain
cases where there's extremes, the
reality is most of us are all flawed and
making mistakes at the same time.
>> And if you want a peaceful, emotionally
intelligent person, right, with all the
all of these traits that are that are
wonderful. I love that for you. You have
to be the other half of that relationship,
relationship,
>> right? You also want to be patient and
calm, slow to conflict, kind with your
words, even when you're frustrated. You
can handle some disappointment and
you're you're you you want to be the
other half of that loving relationship.
It's not going to come from focusing on
all the red flags you need to look out
for and and all the things that the the
specific ways they need to show up to
prove to you that they are who they say
that they are. Focus on your side of the
street. focus on being the other half of
this relationship that you want so badly
rather than trying to figure out the
quick fixes to avoid all of the bad fish
in the sea.
>> It's a waste of time in my opinion.
>> You said in one of your videos, the only
people who are upset with your
boundaries are the very same people who
directly benefit from you not having
any. I love that. Can you explain?
>> Someone who loves you wants you to have boundaries.
boundaries.
Someone who loves you wants there to be
limits on what you will and won't
tolerate, what you have capacity for or
don't have capacity for. That is necessary.
necessary.
>> Someone who loves you, and better yet,
someone you want in your life, we can
argue all day, do they love me or do
they not? If they're disrespecting your
boundaries, you probably don't want them
to have much access to you
energetically, emotionally. At the end
of the day, boundaries aren't designed
to keep people out. They aren't designed
to hurt anyone's feelings. They're
designed to maintain your
finite amount of energy and attention,
right? I I can't say yes to everything.
It it doesn't h I can't say yes to
everything and still show up in the ways
that I want to show up, you know, keep
the character and integrity that I
really like about myself. There's no way
to do that. Someone who loves me is
going to encourage that and respect that. And the people who benefit from
that. And the people who benefit from you not having it, the people who want
you not having it, the people who want to take more from you, who want more and
to take more from you, who want more and more and more, who are more
more and more, who are more self-centered,
self-centered, they won't care.
they won't care. >> They won't care if it's for good for you
>> They won't care if it's for good for you or bad for you or not. They're more
or bad for you or not. They're more focused on themselves. And that's
focused on themselves. And that's disrespectful. That's not loving. And
disrespectful. That's not loving. And that's not someone who should have an
that's not someone who should have an infinite amount of access to you.
infinite amount of access to you. >> How do you set an effective boundary?
>> How do you set an effective boundary? Because I think we've got used to the
Because I think we've got used to the language, but we don't really know how
language, but we don't really know how to do it. We think that a boundary
to do it. We think that a boundary protects you from other people, but
protects you from other people, but really a boundary is something that
really a boundary is something that protects you from yourself and your
protects you from yourself and your natural triggers or ways of behavior.
natural triggers or ways of behavior. >> So, how do we set a behavior that
>> So, how do we set a behavior that protects us rather than trying to keep
protects us rather than trying to keep other people out?
other people out? >> A boundary is I will or won't blank if
>> A boundary is I will or won't blank if blank.
blank. I will or won't blank if blank. So that
I will or won't blank if blank. So that means it is all within your control. I
means it is all within your control. I won't participate in this conversation
won't participate in this conversation if you yell at me again. I won't. Well,
if you yell at me again. I won't. Well, I I'm going to have to walk away.
I I'm going to have to walk away. >> Yeah. And you're not saying that to
>> Yeah. And you're not saying that to them. You need to know that as well.
them. You need to know that as well. Yeah.
Yeah. >> And either or, right? I I don't want to
>> And either or, right? I I don't want to participate in a relationship with
participate in a relationship with someone who lies to me. I won't. I will
someone who lies to me. I won't. I will not. You need to know that for yourself.
not. You need to know that for yourself. Absolutely. You could share these things
Absolutely. You could share these things with other people, right? Back to the
with other people, right? Back to the the um conversation with difficult
the um conversation with difficult parents or contentious relationships
parents or contentious relationships with your parents. You know, I really
with your parents. You know, I really value our relationship, but
value our relationship, but >> I won't stay if you keep talking to me
>> I won't stay if you keep talking to me that way.
that way. >> If you keep bringing up that issue, I'm
>> If you keep bringing up that issue, I'm going to walk away.
going to walk away. >> I will blank if blank is a boundary. Not
>> I will blank if blank is a boundary. Not you can't blank blank blank. Not you
you can't blank blank blank. Not you better not. It's not a threat. It's a
better not. It's not a threat. It's a rule for yourself and your boundaries
rule for yourself and your boundaries are for you to respect.
are for you to respect. >> And that's the hardest part, right? I
>> And that's the hardest part, right? I feel like we compromise our own
feel like we compromise our own boundaries.
boundaries. So, we say things like, "I won't
So, we say things like, "I won't participate in this conversation if you
participate in this conversation if you lie to me, but then we continue to
lie to me, but then we continue to participate because it's not really a
participate because it's not really a boundary. It's hoping they won't lie to
boundary. It's hoping they won't lie to you."
you." >> Right? We're saying it hoping you'll
>> Right? We're saying it hoping you'll stop lying if I threaten you. Yes.
stop lying if I threaten you. Yes. >> But you just said it's not a threat.
>> But you just said it's not a threat. It's a boundary if we recognize I have
It's a boundary if we recognize I have to leave now. So if you're lying, I now
to leave now. So if you're lying, I now have to walk away. But we don't want to
have to walk away. But we don't want to do that because we're hoping they
do that because we're hoping they change.
change. >> Yes.
>> Yes. >> So it's like a secret hidden hope as
>> So it's like a secret hidden hope as opposed to a boundary.
opposed to a boundary. >> The manipulation that you just kind of
>> The manipulation that you just kind of described like I'm going to say that I
described like I'm going to say that I won't tolerate it, but then if you
won't tolerate it, but then if you actually do it, then I will say because
actually do it, then I will say because what I'm really trying to get is is you
what I'm really trying to get is is you to show up for me and trying to get you
to show up for me and trying to get you to love me. So I'm going to mix in this
to love me. So I'm going to mix in this threat. That's that's that's a hell of a
threat. That's that's that's a hell of a lot of manipulation.
lot of manipulation. rather than having your own back. Like
rather than having your own back. Like really respecting yourself enough to say
really respecting yourself enough to say I will not tolerate this. My
I will not tolerate this. My self-respect is not worth the emotional
self-respect is not worth the emotional turmoil that comes from allowing this
turmoil that comes from allowing this kind of behavior. That's really hard.
kind of behavior. That's really hard. >> That's really hard. You have to choose
>> That's really hard. You have to choose your selfrespect over your desire to be
your selfrespect over your desire to be chosen
chosen >> or your desire to not be alone.
>> or your desire to not be alone. That's that's paramount. Absolutely. Is
That's that's paramount. Absolutely. Is there such a thing as the one or a
there such a thing as the one or a soulmate?
soulmate? >> The one is the one that you choose. The
>> The one is the one that you choose. The one
is the person whose natural essence
whose natural essence compliments yours in a way
compliments yours in a way that makes love and growth a little bit
that makes love and growth a little bit easier. A little bit, right? It's a
easier. A little bit, right? It's a little bit sometimes it's still hard,
little bit sometimes it's still hard, but ideally you choose well. You use
but ideally you choose well. You use discernment in the beginning. You admire
discernment in the beginning. You admire someone's integrity. You really respect
someone's integrity. You really respect them. You really cherish them.
them. You really cherish them. You like them, which is often an
You like them, which is often an overlooked one.
overlooked one. You know, it's he's he's this tall and
You know, it's he's he's this tall and he makes this much money, so he he'll be
he makes this much money, so he he'll be the one. Well, okay. But do you like the
the one. Well, okay. But do you like the guy? You know, it's really important.
guy? You know, it's really important. And then you build the relationship from
And then you build the relationship from there, respecting the other person,
there, respecting the other person, respecting yourself, and again creating
respecting yourself, and again creating this third entity. One thing I also
this third entity. One thing I also think is overlooked when it comes to
think is overlooked when it comes to choosing the one
choosing the one and being the one. This is a this is
and being the one. This is a this is this works for both sides. You need to
this works for both sides. You need to be your partner, your person's biggest
be your partner, your person's biggest fan. I I mean that with my whole heart.
fan. I I mean that with my whole heart. You need to be your partner's biggest
You need to be your partner's biggest fan. And if you can't, then you either
fan. And if you can't, then you either need to check in on your insecurities.
need to check in on your insecurities. You either need to pay attention or
You either need to pay attention or you've chosen the wrong person.
you've chosen the wrong person. >> If you don't want their dreams to come
>> If you don't want their dreams to come true, if you don't want them to succeed,
true, if you don't want them to succeed, if you don't want them to be their
if you don't want them to be their happiest, best self,
happiest, best self, do not promise to spend a lifetime with
do not promise to spend a lifetime with them. I really, really think that that's
them. I really, really think that that's important. and and not talked about
important. and and not talked about enough. I don't hear that very much. We
enough. I don't hear that very much. We talk about the conflict stuff, right? We
talk about the conflict stuff, right? We talk about how to handle boundaries and
talk about how to handle boundaries and how to do all of that, but you want
how to do all of that, but you want someone in your corner. You want someone
someone in your corner. You want someone in your corner on your worst days, on
in your corner on your worst days, on your best days, and you want to feel
your best days, and you want to feel like you're on the same team. And I
like you're on the same team. And I deeply believe you need to be your your
deeply believe you need to be your your person's biggest fan. And that
person's biggest fan. And that contributes to them being the one and
contributes to them being the one and building the right relationship. M when
building the right relationship. M when you were saying that it was reminding me
you were saying that it was reminding me of wedding vows
of wedding vows >> and I was thinking about how we spend so
>> and I was thinking about how we spend so long
long planning a wedding and not building a
planning a wedding and not building a marriage
marriage >> and just the discrepancy between the two
>> and just the discrepancy between the two even how long you'll take to write your
even how long you'll take to write your vows but then to live up to those vows
vows but then to live up to those vows takes a whole different set of skills
takes a whole different set of skills and
and we don't really put that much effort
we don't really put that much effort into building those skills and working
into building those skills and working on those parts. maintaining those
on those parts. maintaining those skills.
skills. >> Maintaining maintaining those skills.
>> Maintaining maintaining those skills. >> How do you know if you're in love with
>> How do you know if you're in love with someone or just the idea of them?
someone or just the idea of them? >> How do you know if you're in love with
>> How do you know if you're in love with someone or just the idea of them? Is
someone or just the idea of them? Is there a difference between how you
there a difference between how you wish they would be and how they actually
wish they would be and how they actually are?
are? >> Mhm.
>> Mhm. >> How wide is that gap? How much of
>> How wide is that gap? How much of the relationship do you actually enjoy
the relationship do you actually enjoy >> versus how much time are you spending
>> versus how much time are you spending trying to change them, trying to change
trying to change them, trying to change the dynamic? I like to say if you allow
the dynamic? I like to say if you allow your person to be exactly who they want
your person to be exactly who they want to be without molding them, without
to be without molding them, without controlling them, without micromanaging
controlling them, without micromanaging them, but you allow them to show up just
them, but you allow them to show up just as they are. Does that help you feel
as they are. Does that help you feel more or less like the person you want to
more or less like the person you want to be? Does that feel more or less like the
be? Does that feel more or less like the kind of relationship you want to be in?
kind of relationship you want to be in? >> It doesn't mean it's perfect. Doesn't
>> It doesn't mean it's perfect. Doesn't mean it's all the time.
mean it's all the time. >> But if you It doesn't mean that they
>> But if you It doesn't mean that they won't
won't >> change. Doesn't mean you can't change.
>> change. Doesn't mean you can't change. But if you really allow them to be, if
But if you really allow them to be, if you accept them for exactly who they
you accept them for exactly who they are, does that help or hinder
are, does that help or hinder what you want love to feel like?
what you want love to feel like? >> That's one question to ask. Yeah, it's a
>> That's one question to ask. Yeah, it's a great question. I love that question.
great question. I love that question. It's it's such an important question
It's it's such an important question because that is who you're with
because that is who you're with >> 90% of the time
>> 90% of the time >> and that is what you'll experience. And
>> and that is what you'll experience. And >> yeah, if you're in love with the idea of
>> yeah, if you're in love with the idea of them, then you're absolutely right. Your
them, then you're absolutely right. Your answer to that question will be no.
answer to that question will be no. >> Mhm.
>> Mhm. >> Because I want them to be a bit more
>> Because I want them to be a bit more this, a bit more that, a bit more this.
this, a bit more that, a bit more this. >> And do you need a bit more? Is is that
>> And do you need a bit more? Is is that bit more that you're missing really
bit more that you're missing really really important to you? If it is, by
really important to you? If it is, by all means, do what you got to do.
all means, do what you got to do. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah. >> But I think a lot of times we fool
>> But I think a lot of times we fool ourselves into thinking that the little
ourselves into thinking that the little bits that we're missing
bits that we're missing >> are make or breaks.
>> are make or breaks. And we forget that loving someone is
And we forget that loving someone is such an honor.
such an honor. And this is more so geared towards
And this is more so geared towards long-term relationships, marriages of
long-term relationships, marriages of sorts, but it's a real honor to be able
sorts, but it's a real honor to be able to love someone through several seasons
to love someone through several seasons of their life.
of their life. to be able to be
to be able to be their support system, to be the smiling
their support system, to be the smiling face that picks them up on a day when
face that picks them up on a day when they feel shitty, to be there when they
they feel shitty, to be there when they lose someone that they love or they lose
lose someone that they love or they lose an opportunity or they hit their highest
an opportunity or they hit their highest high to sit with them on a Sunday night
high to sit with them on a Sunday night on the couch every Sunday for years and
on the couch every Sunday for years and years in a row. I mean, it's an honor to
years in a row. I mean, it's an honor to love someone and to be there. And
love someone and to be there. And sometimes I just think we need to
sometimes I just think we need to reframe the way that we view the person
reframe the way that we view the person we're with as
we're with as a whole human all on their own that we
a whole human all on their own that we get the honor to love.
get the honor to love. And that tends that tends to clear out a
And that tends that tends to clear out a lot of the little bits that we aren't
lot of the little bits that we aren't getting.
getting. >> Yeah, that's beautiful.
>> Yeah, that's beautiful. >> You look at that person and you think,
>> You look at that person and you think, "My god, I really do love them.
"My god, I really do love them. >> Look at the way that they do the dishes
>> Look at the way that they do the dishes or tie their shoes. I love the way that
or tie their shoes. I love the way that that they drive, the way they dance to
that they drive, the way they dance to music. I love I love to watch them get
music. I love I love to watch them get ready and put, you know,
ready and put, you know, >> do their morning routine or whatever.
>> do their morning routine or whatever. Like, you just look at that human and
Like, you just look at that human and remember that that it's an honor.
remember that that it's an honor. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah. >> To love them. And maybe that'll clear
>> To love them. And maybe that'll clear out some of the bits that you're
out some of the bits that you're missing.
missing. >> Yeah. What do you wish people asked
>> Yeah. What do you wish people asked themselves before they got married?
themselves before they got married? >> Do I want to be a partner or do I want a
>> Do I want to be a partner or do I want a spouse?
spouse? And the difference there is when you
And the difference there is when you want to be a partner,
want to be a partner, when you want to be
when you want to be someone's support system, when you want
someone's support system, when you want to be the co-creator of the marriage
to be the co-creator of the marriage that you're about to step into, the life
that you're about to step into, the life that you're going to build, there's
that you're going to build, there's accountability and responsibility in
accountability and responsibility in that.
that. And it really allows you to focus on
And it really allows you to focus on what you can control.
what you can control. which is how you show up. Now, assuming
which is how you show up. Now, assuming you're walking to walking to that altar
you're walking to walking to that altar and you know this person pretty damn
and you know this person pretty damn well and you've spent a good long time
well and you've spent a good long time seeing who they are, understanding their
seeing who they are, understanding their heart, really caring for them, all of
heart, really caring for them, all of that, you're going to have to remember
that, you're going to have to remember that sometimes the best you can do is
that sometimes the best you can do is show up as the partner you want to be,
show up as the partner you want to be, that you want to be, even if your
that you want to be, even if your seasons are are misaligned. Um, Matthew
seasons are are misaligned. Um, Matthew McConnA has this great bit in a podcast
McConnA has this great bit in a podcast that he did where he says, "Sometimes
that he did where he says, "Sometimes you're walking and they're running
you're walking and they're running >> and sometimes you're running and they're
>> and sometimes you're running and they're walking
walking >> and you just have to make sure that one
>> and you just have to make sure that one doesn't get too far ahead of the other."
doesn't get too far ahead of the other." >> Mhm.
>> Mhm. >> And I love that.
>> And I love that. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah. >> I love him. Yes.
>> I love him. Yes. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I love that too.
>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I love that too. >> I think that's well said.
>> I think that's well said. >> Yeah. Absolutely. And and I think it's
>> Yeah. Absolutely. And and I think it's about how you communicate when you are
about how you communicate when you are that I I've always thought about it as
that I I've always thought about it as sometimes me and my wife are driving to
sometimes me and my wife are driving to the same event, but we're driving
the same event, but we're driving separately. Mhm.
separately. Mhm. >> She's going to get there early and I'm
>> She's going to get there early and I'm going to be late. And so I'm on the
going to be late. And so I'm on the phone. I'm like, "Hey, I'm going to be
phone. I'm like, "Hey, I'm going to be late." And she's like, "Well, I'm going
late." And she's like, "Well, I'm going to be early." And I'm like, "Okay, well,
to be early." And I'm like, "Okay, well, do you want to wait for me because you
do you want to wait for me because you want to go in together or do you want to
want to go in together or do you want to go in without me and I'll follow you in
go in without me and I'll follow you in there?" And she's like, "No, I want to
there?" And she's like, "No, I want to wait for you to go in there together."
wait for you to go in there together." And it's like, you're both driving
And it's like, you're both driving separately, but you're talking to each
separately, but you're talking to each other the whole time
other the whole time >> about where you're at.
>> about where you're at. >> And that's that conversation that calms
>> And that's that conversation that calms you both down, rather than you have no
you both down, rather than you have no idea what time that person's getting
idea what time that person's getting there. One of the challenges I find is
there. One of the challenges I find is that everyone wants their a lot of what
that everyone wants their a lot of what I hear is people want their partner to
I hear is people want their partner to talk to them more emotionally and tell
talk to them more emotionally and tell them more. And
them more. And there's a lot of people who don't want
there's a lot of people who don't want to do that or don't know how to do that
to do that or don't know how to do that or don't feel the need for it. And the
or don't feel the need for it. And the person who wants to talk kind of gets a
person who wants to talk kind of gets a bit annoyed and frustrated and and upset
bit annoyed and frustrated and and upset that their partner won't talk. What's
that their partner won't talk. What's your advice in that scenario?
your advice in that scenario? >> What's the loving thing to do?
>> What's the loving thing to do? you know, and that that probably
you know, and that that probably requires both sides of the aisle to
requires both sides of the aisle to adjust a little bit. You're not going to
adjust a little bit. You're not going to get perfect words all the time. It's not
get perfect words all the time. It's not going to happen. And you're going to
going to happen. And you're going to have to give imperfect words a lot of
have to give imperfect words a lot of the time.
the time. >> You're going to have to try. The My aunt
>> You're going to have to try. The My aunt and uncle are in their mid70s, early
and uncle are in their mid70s, early 70s. They've been married for 25, 30
70s. They've been married for 25, 30 years, something like that. And we were
years, something like that. And we were just having a conversation the other
just having a conversation the other night. I was asking my uncle John. I
night. I was asking my uncle John. I said, "What is your secret to to this?
said, "What is your secret to to this? What's the magic? How has this
What's the magic? How has this happened?" They're probably the happiest
happened?" They're probably the happiest couple I know. In incredible. And he
couple I know. In incredible. And he said, "She tells me what she wants to
said, "She tells me what she wants to hear and I repeat it back to her."
hear and I repeat it back to her." >> And he meant Jay, he meant it with his
>> And he meant Jay, he meant it with his full chest. I've seen them do it.
full chest. I've seen them do it. >> My aunt Beth will say, "I need you to
>> My aunt Beth will say, "I need you to tell me that this is going to be okay.
tell me that this is going to be okay. You hear me. You've got my back and
You hear me. You've got my back and you've got it covered." And he will
you've got it covered." And he will recite it right back to her word for
recite it right back to her word for word. and they say okay I love you and
word. and they say okay I love you and leave it there and sometime and some
leave it there and sometime and some people will think but if I have to say
people will think but if I have to say it it if I have to tell them what to say
it it if I have to tell them what to say it doesn't matter it's it it erodess the
it doesn't matter it's it it erodess the value and this that and the other
value and this that and the other >> if your person is asking to be loved in
>> if your person is asking to be loved in a specific way
a specific way >> put your stuff aside and show up
>> put your stuff aside and show up >> to the best of your ability
>> to the best of your ability >> it will not be perfect all the time it
>> it will not be perfect all the time it sure as hell won't
sure as hell won't >> but do the loving thing and that is
>> but do the loving thing and that is typically to show up in the ways that
typically to show up in the ways that your partner is explicitly asking you
your partner is explicitly asking you to. If you want bonus points, anticipate
to. If you want bonus points, anticipate some of those needs, right? Pay
some of those needs, right? Pay attention and try to do it without
attention and try to do it without having to be asked, but don't knock the
having to be asked, but don't knock the the direct communication
the direct communication >> and then choosing the loving thing to
>> and then choosing the loving thing to do.
do. >> Yeah. Yeah. How do you
>> Yeah. Yeah. How do you start to trust yourself again when
start to trust yourself again when someone breaks up with you that you
someone breaks up with you that you thought you were going to be with for a
thought you were going to be with for a long time? Well, step one, grieve.
long time? Well, step one, grieve. Yeah, there's an acute phase of
Yeah, there's an acute phase of heartbreak where you don't have to do
heartbreak where you don't have to do anything
anything right or well. You can just be. That's
right or well. You can just be. That's step number one. Especially if it's a a
step number one. Especially if it's a a breakup after a long long relationship.
breakup after a long long relationship. The next step is reflection.
The next step is reflection. You know, right now the story might be
You know, right now the story might be they left me, they didn't love me, all
they left me, they didn't love me, all those years were wasted. How could I
those years were wasted. How could I have done that? I should have known you,
have done that? I should have known you, right? I I must be disposable.
right? I I must be disposable. It's a lot. That's harsh. There's more
It's a lot. That's harsh. There's more color in that story. So, what were some
color in that story. So, what were some of the red flags or some of the even
of the red flags or some of the even just the disconnection, the things that
just the disconnection, the things that weren't working? Take some
weren't working? Take some accountability in that. You know, I I
accountability in that. You know, I I didn't communicate as well as I really
didn't communicate as well as I really wish that I would have or you know what,
wish that I would have or you know what, I stayed way too long cuz I tried to
I stayed way too long cuz I tried to communicate and that person wasn't
communicate and that person wasn't meeting me. That was really difficult.
meeting me. That was really difficult. Take some accountability around how you
Take some accountability around how you may have contributed, what you want in
may have contributed, what you want in your relationship moving forward, and
your relationship moving forward, and more so focusing on who you want to be
more so focusing on who you want to be now that that chapter has closed.
now that that chapter has closed. Because I can tell you one thing, the
Because I can tell you one thing, the person who is for you is the person who
person who is for you is the person who wants to be with you.
wants to be with you. >> If they aren't willing to try, they're
>> If they aren't willing to try, they're definitely not your person. M
definitely not your person. M >> and I think that most things most
>> and I think that most things most relationships can be worked out if
relationships can be worked out if they're if two people are willing
they're if two people are willing >> if you wanted to barring some extreme
>> if you wanted to barring some extreme cases. But if they're not willing,
cases. But if they're not willing, they're not your person. Now, when it
they're not your person. Now, when it comes to moving on specifically,
comes to moving on specifically, I always say stop trying because we
I always say stop trying because we think that if okay, if I just do all of
think that if okay, if I just do all of these steps, I have to do this in the
these steps, I have to do this in the morning and this at night and this is my
morning and this at night and this is my evening routine and then I'll wake up at
evening routine and then I'll wake up at someday and I'll be moved on as if it's
someday and I'll be moved on as if it's a destination.
a destination. I say imagine yourself tomorrow morning
I say imagine yourself tomorrow morning you wake up and you get what you wanted.
you wake up and you get what you wanted. You want to move on. You want to trust
You want to move on. You want to trust yourself again. If you knew for certain
yourself again. If you knew for certain that you would wake up tomorrow and that
that you would wake up tomorrow and that was your reality, what would you do with
was your reality, what would you do with yourself?
yourself? >> Oh, that's such a good question.
>> Oh, that's such a good question. >> What would you think about? How would
>> What would you think about? How would you spend your time? What would you
you spend your time? What would you invest your your energy into? Who would
invest your your energy into? Who would you spend your time with? What would you
you spend your time with? What would you think about? What would you talk about?
think about? What would you talk about? And then just start to do some of those
And then just start to do some of those things.
things. >> Bring the grief with you. It's probably
>> Bring the grief with you. It's probably not going to happen as fast as you want
not going to happen as fast as you want it to, but you want a direction. You
it to, but you want a direction. You want a clearer vision of where you're
want a clearer vision of where you're going so that you can head in that
going so that you can head in that direction.
direction. >> Yeah. So good. That's such a good answer
>> Yeah. So good. That's such a good answer because yeah, all the little tips and
because yeah, all the little tips and tricks to try and move on quick. It
tricks to try and move on quick. It doesn't process like that. And and I
doesn't process like that. And and I love the idea of what would your life
love the idea of what would your life look like if you'd already moved on
look like if you'd already moved on because that's what you're waiting for.
because that's what you're waiting for. You're waiting for that anyway. You're
You're waiting for that anyway. You're waiting for the day you've moved on. And
waiting for the day you've moved on. And you can say, I'm over it and I'm ready
you can say, I'm over it and I'm ready for whatever. What is it? What does that
for whatever. What is it? What does that look like? And start mirroring that
look like? And start mirroring that today. That's brilliant.
today. That's brilliant. >> You want the thing, right? I just want
>> You want the thing, right? I just want to move on. What does that even mean to
to move on. What does that even mean to you? Like, let's define it.
you? Like, let's define it. >> That gives you something to to move
>> That gives you something to to move towards, which is so important. And
towards, which is so important. And moving on doesn't even necessarily mean
moving on doesn't even necessarily mean that you don't care. You might still
that you don't care. You might still care. You might care about that person
care. You might care about that person for the rest of your life.
for the rest of your life. >> Yes.
>> Yes. >> But you want to build whatever your next
>> But you want to build whatever your next chapter is to be as enjoyable and
chapter is to be as enjoyable and intentional as possible.
intentional as possible. >> Yes.
>> Yes. >> And that gives you somewhere to go.
>> And that gives you somewhere to go. >> Yes. And and most of I was I was
>> Yes. And and most of I was I was coaching someone earlier this year and
coaching someone earlier this year and they were going through a breakup and
they were going through a breakup and the first month they broke up they
the first month they broke up they talked about it every day. The second
talked about it every day. The second month after they broke up they talked
month after they broke up they talked about every other day. The third month
about every other day. The third month they talked about it every 3 days. The
they talked about it every 3 days. The fourth month they talked about it once a
fourth month they talked about it once a week.
week. >> Mhm.
>> Mhm. >> And then the fifth month they thought
>> And then the fifth month they thought about it once a month. And I had to
about it once a month. And I had to remind them of that because to them,
remind them of that because to them, every reminder was as sharp as
every reminder was as sharp as remembering it every day.
remembering it every day. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah. >> And I like people to think about it like
>> And I like people to think about it like that. You're not trying to get to a
that. You're not trying to get to a point where tomorrow you don't think
point where tomorrow you don't think about it at all. You're just thinking
about it at all. You're just thinking about it less because your life looks
about it less because your life looks like how you want it to be and what it
like how you want it to be and what it would be like if you were free. And I've
would be like if you were free. And I've always thought about that mindset. Even
always thought about that mindset. Even when I've had even when you think about
when I've had even when you think about physical pain, if you want to wake up
physical pain, if you want to wake up tomorrow and you've had surgery or
tomorrow and you've had surgery or you're hurt or whatever and you want to
you're hurt or whatever and you want to be completely healed, it will never
be completely healed, it will never happen. You'll only ever be 1% better if
happen. You'll only ever be 1% better if you did all the right things.
you did all the right things. >> And as soon as you accept that all I
>> And as soon as you accept that all I need to do is be 1% better today, all of
need to do is be 1% better today, all of a sudden you see that progress. But when
a sudden you see that progress. But when you're looking to be 100% better and you
you're looking to be 100% better and you aren't, now you feel 99% behind
aren't, now you feel 99% behind >> and it just becomes so amplified. And
>> and it just becomes so amplified. And that's what it feels like to be wanting
that's what it feels like to be wanting to heal from a breakup and you're
to heal from a breakup and you're constantly feeling on why haven't I
constantly feeling on why haven't I healed yet? That's that 90%.
healed yet? That's that 90%. >> And often times there are beliefs almost
>> And often times there are beliefs almost almost identities that we find ourselves
almost identities that we find ourselves trying to finding ourselves wrestling
trying to finding ourselves wrestling with when a breakup happens. No one will
with when a breakup happens. No one will choose me. I'm never good enough.
choose me. I'm never good enough. Nothing that I do is good enough. No one
Nothing that I do is good enough. No one will stay. It was all my fault or it was
will stay. It was all my fault or it was all their fault. How could they? And we
all their fault. How could they? And we find these these absolutes that are
find these these absolutes that are really really difficult to do anything
really really difficult to do anything productive with
productive with >> truly. I mean it doesn't it doesn't make
>> truly. I mean it doesn't it doesn't make you feel better emotionally. You you
you feel better emotionally. You you can't really move yourself forward from
can't really move yourself forward from there. And and that's what I say about
there. And and that's what I say about just be be malleable with the story.
just be be malleable with the story. >> Mhm.
>> Mhm. >> For a while for the first month for the
>> For a while for the first month for the first what add a maybe.
first what add a maybe. >> Add a question mark to the end of that.
>> Add a question mark to the end of that. Like I'm difficult to love. work.
Like I'm difficult to love. work. >> Mhm.
>> Mhm. >> Just just
>> Just just don't wrestle with the absolutes.
don't wrestle with the absolutes. >> Give yourself time and space to consider
>> Give yourself time and space to consider another narrative cuz I promise you
another narrative cuz I promise you there's color. There's nuance in that.
there's color. There's nuance in that. >> They didn't leave because you're hard to
>> They didn't leave because you're hard to love.
love. Someone choosing not to love you is not
Someone choosing not to love you is not a reflection of how lovable or unlovable
a reflection of how lovable or unlovable you are. So, you know that. Don't
you are. So, you know that. Don't wrestle with the absolute. Give yourself
wrestle with the absolute. Give yourself time and space would be another piece of
time and space would be another piece of advice. I like the question mark. That's
advice. I like the question mark. That's good. Yeah, it's true. It's true. It's
good. Yeah, it's true. It's true. It's totally true. It's totally true. I love
totally true. It's totally true. I love that.
that. >> Q, have you ever had your heart broken?
>> Q, have you ever had your heart broken? >> Many times in many different ways. Yeah.
>> Many times in many different ways. Yeah. And it's
And it's I have a I have an interesting
I have a I have an interesting relationship with grief now.
relationship with grief now. And in part, of course, my mom is is a
And in part, of course, my mom is is a big part of that, but losing
big part of that, but losing relationships
relationships and growing through heartbreak has
and growing through heartbreak has always been a catalyst for me. And I
always been a catalyst for me. And I don't say that as like I'm so high and
don't say that as like I'm so high and mighty and this is so impressive. No,
mighty and this is so impressive. No, it's usually quite ugly and it's usually
it's usually quite ugly and it's usually quite messy to to really look at
quite messy to to really look at yourself and put the pieces back
yourself and put the pieces back together and and try to move on. But
together and and try to move on. But I've always come out the other side
I've always come out the other side liking myself more.
liking myself more. >> Accepting uglier parts of myself that I
>> Accepting uglier parts of myself that I don't think I accepted previously. Cuz
don't think I accepted previously. Cuz you got to take a real look at why you
you got to take a real look at why you did what you did, how you showed up, the
did what you did, how you showed up, the people that you chose.
people that you chose. And sometimes that means accepting like,
And sometimes that means accepting like, man, I've been I haven't been making the
man, I've been I haven't been making the best choices. And I have to you have to
best choices. And I have to you have to love that. You have to accept that. And
love that. You have to accept that. And it expands your capacity in a way that
it expands your capacity in a way that allows for the emotional flexibility we
allows for the emotional flexibility we were talking about earlier where the
were talking about earlier where the deepest heartbreak, losing my mom,
deepest heartbreak, losing my mom, losing people that I thought I would
losing people that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, losing
spend the rest of my life with, losing that
that makes everything else a little bit
makes everything else a little bit easier to process. If I can survive
easier to process. If I can survive that,
that, >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I can survive a lot.
>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I can survive a lot. >> Yeah.
>> Yeah. >> A lot. And I've been there through all
>> A lot. And I've been there through all of that. I've picked myself back up.
of that. I've picked myself back up. I've built a support system of people
I've built a support system of people who who remind me of that when when I
who who remind me of that when when I forget. Right. That's
forget. Right. That's >> But I really learned to like myself. I
>> But I really learned to like myself. I really learned to trust myself. And I
really learned to trust myself. And I really learned that
really learned that there can be beauty in the mess if you
there can be beauty in the mess if you stay put and go through it long enough
stay put and go through it long enough to find
to find the bigger story, the bigger meaning,
the bigger story, the bigger meaning, the bigger narrative.
the bigger narrative. >> Q, we end every episode of On Purpose
>> Q, we end every episode of On Purpose with a final five. These five questions
with a final five. These five questions have to be answered in one word to one
have to be answered in one word to one sentence maximum. And so Q, these are
sentence maximum. And so Q, these are your final five. The first question is,
your final five. The first question is, what is the best love advice you've ever
what is the best love advice you've ever heard or received?
heard or received? >> Do the loving thing,
>> Do the loving thing, >> comma, and choose appreciation.
>> comma, and choose appreciation. >> I love it. You can do that. That's fine.
>> I love it. You can do that. That's fine. Commas are fine. That was that was very
Commas are fine. That was that was very well done. Uh, second question. What is
well done. Uh, second question. What is the worst love advice you've ever heard
the worst love advice you've ever heard or received?
or received? >> Match their energy.
>> Match their energy. Two wrongs don't make a right.
Two wrongs don't make a right. That's the reality. You don't matching
That's the reality. You don't matching someone's energy means you're handing
someone's energy means you're handing over your power.
over your power. >> Your power is in how you respond.
>> Your power is in how you respond. >> Your power is in your intention. Are you
>> Your power is in your intention. Are you going to add more negativity to a
going to add more negativity to a situation you don't already you already
situation you don't already you already don't like?
don't like? >> Maybe you can choose how you want to
>> Maybe you can choose how you want to respond rather than matching someone's
respond rather than matching someone's energy. And even more so, maybe your
energy. And even more so, maybe your love, your decision to meet them in a
love, your decision to meet them in a way that they can't seem to meet
way that they can't seem to meet themselves in that moment is exactly
themselves in that moment is exactly what they need.
what they need. >> Love that. I always say to people, you
>> Love that. I always say to people, you don't you don't mess up your living room
don't you don't mess up your living room just because someone messy is coming
just because someone messy is coming over.
over. >> Yes.
>> Yes. >> That's just don't do that. Like it's
>> That's just don't do that. Like it's like I'm not going to match that energy
like I'm not going to match that energy because then I'm going to start walking
because then I'm going to start walking over my rugs with my dirty shoes and
over my rugs with my dirty shoes and >> like why would I do that just because
>> like why would I do that just because someone's coming over? It's like no,
someone's coming over? It's like no, they're they're messy person. That's
they're they're messy person. That's fine. That's their mind and their space
fine. That's their mind and their space and I'm not going to mess up my mind
and I'm not going to mess up my mind because
because >> we're interacting.
>> we're interacting. >> It's a very inauthentic way
>> It's a very inauthentic way >> to move through the world to build
>> to move through the world to build relationships.
relationships. >> Absolutely. Uh question number three.
>> Absolutely. Uh question number three. What did you used to believe to be true
What did you used to believe to be true about love and romance that you don't
about love and romance that you don't anymore?
anymore? >> I used to believe that love the feeling
>> I used to believe that love the feeling >> was enough.
>> was enough. >> It's fantastical. It's alluring, right?
>> It's fantastical. It's alluring, right? That someone will show up and your whole
That someone will show up and your whole life will be better. Everything you'll
life will be better. Everything you'll be whisked away by by their love h and
be whisked away by by their love h and live happily ever after. That's not a
live happily ever after. That's not a story that you really want.
story that you really want. You know, you you want to build a
You know, you you want to build a relationship intentionally.
relationship intentionally. >> You want to choose to give love and to
>> You want to choose to give love and to build love and to build this
build love and to build this relationship.
relationship. >> And sometimes it takes those those
>> And sometimes it takes those those shitty moments, those really tough
shitty moments, those really tough moments to remind you how much you value
moments to remind you how much you value the really good moments. And I think if
the really good moments. And I think if love was just a feeling, we would miss a
love was just a feeling, we would miss a lot of that. Love is consideration, the
lot of that. Love is consideration, the action, the willingness to continue
action, the willingness to continue showing up and
showing up and creating more of it.
creating more of it. >> Mhm. Love that. Question number four.
>> Mhm. Love that. Question number four. What's something that you used to value
What's something that you used to value that you don't value anymore?
that you don't value anymore? >> Being understood.
>> Being understood. People can really only meet you as
People can really only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves.
deeply as they've met themselves. which means that some people simply
which means that some people simply won't have the ability to understand
won't have the ability to understand you. And that's okay.
you. And that's okay. >> You don't need to fight
>> You don't need to fight to be heard, to be seen, to be approved
to be heard, to be seen, to be approved of.
of. Sometimes it's just okay to say we don't
Sometimes it's just okay to say we don't agree.
agree. >> Mhm.
>> Mhm. >> I don't think you understand
>> I don't think you understand and let it be.
and let it be. >> Love that. Okay. Fifth and final
>> Love that. Okay. Fifth and final question. We ask this to every guest
question. We ask this to every guest who's ever been on the show. If you
who's ever been on the show. If you could create one law that everyone in
could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it
the world had to follow, what would it be?
to decide for each person individually. Like what
for each person individually. Like what is right to you? What kind of person do
is right to you? What kind of person do you want to be? What is true for you?
you want to be? What is true for you? Your truth. What kind of person do you
Your truth. What kind of person do you strive to be? So much so that it feels
strive to be? So much so that it feels in your bones, in your heart, just
in your bones, in your heart, just right. M
right. M >> I wish it was a law that everyone had to
>> I wish it was a law that everyone had to figure out what that meant to them
figure out what that meant to them >> and then they had to act on it
>> and then they had to act on it >> consistently cuz I I really believe
>> consistently cuz I I really believe that most if not all of us would would
that most if not all of us would would choose to be good people
choose to be good people >> would choose to make value based
>> would choose to make value based decisions, kind decisions, loving
decisions, kind decisions, loving decisions, not
decisions, not fear-based,
fear-based, hurtful, destructive decisions. I really
hurtful, destructive decisions. I really believe that if we were all living
believe that if we were all living within integrity, if we had the courage
within integrity, if we had the courage to understand that for ourselves, that
to understand that for ourselves, that we we would do a lot of good.
we we would do a lot of good. >> Yeah, I love that.
>> Yeah, I love that. >> That would be my
>> That would be my >> Q. Thank you so much. Uh everyone who's
>> Q. Thank you so much. Uh everyone who's been listening and watching, whether
been listening and watching, whether you're walking your dog, whether you're
you're walking your dog, whether you're driving to or from work, whether you're
driving to or from work, whether you're cooking, uh I'm so grateful that you
cooking, uh I'm so grateful that you joined us. Please make sure that you
joined us. Please make sure that you follow Quinnland Welfare on social media
follow Quinnland Welfare on social media uh across platforms. And I want to know
uh across platforms. And I want to know what resonated with you. I want to know
what resonated with you. I want to know what connected with you. So tag us both,
what connected with you. So tag us both, take the clips, post them, let us know
take the clips, post them, let us know what resonated, what really got through
what resonated, what really got through to you. Share this with a friend who may
to you. Share this with a friend who may be going through a breakup issue, maybe
be going through a breakup issue, maybe moving in with someone, maybe a friend's
moving in with someone, maybe a friend's getting married soon. This could be one
getting married soon. This could be one of those episodes that I think you can
of those episodes that I think you can listen to, your friends and family can
listen to, your friends and family can listen to and connect with, no matter
listen to and connect with, no matter where they are on their love and romance
where they are on their love and romance journey. And again, Q, thank you so much
journey. And again, Q, thank you so much for showing up so authentically. Uh, it
for showing up so authentically. Uh, it was so great to just go back and forth
was so great to just go back and forth with you and dissect so many different
with you and dissect so many different themes and topics. I'm so grateful to
themes and topics. I'm so grateful to spend time with you and I can't wait to
spend time with you and I can't wait to have you back.
have you back. >> Thank you, Jay. Such a pleasure.
>> Thank you, Jay. Such a pleasure. Appreciate it.
Appreciate it. >> Hey everyone, if you loved that
>> Hey everyone, if you loved that conversation, go and check out my
conversation, go and check out my episode with the world's leading
episode with the world's leading therapist, Lori Gotautle, where she
therapist, Lori Gotautle, where she answers the biggest questions that
answers the biggest questions that people ask in therapy when it comes to
people ask in therapy when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and
love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating. If you're trying to figure out
dating. If you're trying to figure out that space right now, you won't want to
that space right now, you won't want to miss this conversation. If it's a
miss this conversation. If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands. It's
romantic relationship, hold hands. It's really hard to argue. It actually calms
really hard to argue. It actually calms your nervous systems. Just hold hands as
your nervous systems. Just hold hands as you're having the conversation. It's so
you're having the conversation. It's so lovely.
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