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DOING THIS Makes An Avoidant Apologize for Hurting You
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If you've ever dated or had a close
friend or family member who is a
dismissive avoidant attachment style,
you probably know firsthand that they
may struggle to be vulnerable enough to
actually acknowledge if they hurt you
and apologize. And in today's video, we
are going to break down in the next 7
minutes or so, first and foremost, why
this actually happens. But most
importantly, at the end of this video,
I'm going to talk to you about one thing
you can do that will completely
transform this cycle so that you can
actually have the ability to work
through things with this person in your
life instead of always just feeling
stuck and like your emotions can't be
[Music]
Let's first just talk a little bit about
the context as to why this happens.
Dismissive avoidance do not like
vulnerability. If you've been watching
this channel for 30 seconds, you know
that dismissible women go out of their
way. In fact, their whole persona is
largely based on at a foundational
level. One of the biggest pillars that
their persona is based on is the ability
to avoid being vulnerable. They don't
want to feel their feelings. They like
to repress and compartmentalize. And so,
they definitely don't want to talk about
yours and make space for those because
how could they possibly do that when
they haven't even made beginning space
for their own ability to feel and
regulate their emotions? We're going to
cover like two three things here before
we get to like the one thing you can do.
But on top of that, what you'll also see
is that dismissive avoidance, they often
don't get hurt by other people's
behaviors. Okay? So, if somebody doesn't
call a dismissive avoidant back, they
don't feel hurt by that. They don't
think it's a big deal. And so, what
often happens is because when we're not
super emotionally aware as people, we
tend to assume that everybody would just
feel the way that we feel in a
situation. And so what this means is
that dismissive avoidance will think,
"Oh, well, if I didn't call you back,
that wouldn't even bother me. Why should
I have to apologize for that?" Because
they're lacking the awareness at times
to be like, "Oh, I didn't call you
back." And that hurts you because it
touches a wound within you. It touches
the fear of abandonment or it makes you
feel like I'm not showing up for you.
They struggle to really step outside of
their perception and relate to yours if
theirs would be different from yours in
that exact situation. Now quite honestly
this is quite common for all human
beings in general. In fact every
attachment style does that in various
ways. You'll even see like you know
sometimes anxious attachment styles or
fearful avoidance will be like oh you
said you needed space and if I said that
I would want reassurance and so they
give you reassurance and try to get
closer to you when you just said you
needed space. If you're a dismissive
avoidant that can happen. So we we'll
see different variations of this and
it's it's almost always rooted in
innocence. It's like it's just a lack of
of knowing, a lack of emotional
awareness. But it can be really
meaningful to recognize that people will
feel differently in situations than you
do, whether you're the avoidant or
really anybody. And to really try to
look at situations going, wait, what do
they probably feel in the situation?
Knowing what I know about them instead
of what would I feel in this situation.
And that is my northstar for figuring
out if I did something wrong or if I
should have to apologize. Right? So
people can I really actually can't
stress this enough. one thing that you
do might hurt somebody and you have no
awareness of it because it just wouldn't
hurt you. And that's why it's actually
meaningful to hash out conversations.
Anyways, let's go back to the other
reasons dismissive avoidance don't
apologize and then we'll talk about what
to do. The other big thing is that
dismissive avoidance don't often see the
apology as a repair strategy. So what
they see the apology as this admission
of them being wrong and thus defective.
And because dismissive avoidance have
this huge fear of being defective, it's
a big core wound for them. What ends up
happening is they think like if I
apologize, you just want me to feel
ashamed about myself. And that's how
they often perceive why they're being
requested to apologize. So they'll avoid
that because they think it's like
something against them. And and
furthermore, a lot of dismissive
avoidance end up thinking if you want me
to apologize, you want to change who I
am. Then you're not accepting me as a
person. And so why should I even go down
that path? And again, this is all of
their own ways of perceiving things
based on their own wounds, right? Which
every attachment style has. And we all,
by the way, tend to see and interact
with the world in front of us through
the lens of our past subconscious
wounds. Okay? And so this is true for
every attachment style. Yet again, if
you felt abandoned in the past, if
somebody doesn't call you back, you jump
to the conclusion that you're being
abandoned. If you felt betrayed in the
past or trapped or helpless, and
something happens, you know, maybe
somebody's asking you questions, you're
like, "Oh, you're trying to trap me."
Right? Or if somebody's behavior
changes, you're like, "Oh, you're going
to betray me." And we all tend to jump
to the conclusions of the past, which is
why it is so important to rewire those
core wounds and triggers because those
are honestly your your pieces of
relationship baggage that you're
bringing from one relationship to
another. Which, by the way, before I
tell you what to do to make sure that
dismissal avoidance are actually able to
apologize and honor your feelings, if
you actually want to dive into a course
called the emotional mastery and belief
reprogramming course, it's literally
about rewiring core triggers, attachment
wounds from childhood, leveraging
neuroscience, neuroplasticity, and the
subconscious mind. Really simple
process, really quick course to take.
You can check it out fully for free
using the spin to win promotion down
below where you'll either be able to win
a 7-day trial to PDS, a 14-day trial, a
month-long free membership to PDS to
access all of our courses, or win a
course for life. There's other cool
offers in there, too. So, you can check
that out using the link below. Now, last
thing here, if you want the dismissive
avoidant to actually be able to
apologize, okay, because doing this will
make an avoidant understand how they've
affected you, okay? We use something
that we talk about at PDS called an
asking for empathy statement. And what
this means is essentially you want to be
able to go to the dismissible avoidant
and you can start by saying you can
follow I'll give you these three steps
to put into like a couple of sentences.
Step one, let the dismissible know in
advance it's not about shaming them.
Okay? So you might say, let's say you're
dating the person. Hey, you show up as a
great partner in many many ways and I
appreciate that. So you start off step
one by saying I come in peace. You're
acknowledging what they are doing.
you're appreciating them. And honestly,
this is a great thing to do with anybody
in in conflict communication because it
just lowers somebody's guard right away
when you're trying to hash something
out, which in turn empowers you to get
heard. So, you start with that. Okay.
Hey, I appreciate that you've been a
great partner and are showing up in so
many ways. Of course, you only say that
if it's true, by the way. Like, don't
say that to somebody who you feel like
you you've never had a need met by. But
if this person's trying and working on
the relationship and making an effort,
honor that, right? And then step two,
you say, "And there's something that's
come up for me which although I know you
would probably feel differently in this
situation, actually affects me in in a
really personal way." And it is that
ABC. Okay? So you say, "What happened
that that affected you?" You might say
it is that when you know I didn't hear
from you the other day, it it really
hurt me because it touches this wound of
me of fearing abandonment. Okay? So you
you say what hurt you, but you relate it
back to your own personal truth. And
then you can say, "In order to just feel
like I can let this go and move on, I
just need to hear that you care about
how I feel and that you'll be a little
bit more mindful in the future. I would
really appreciate if you could apologize
and just acknowledge your feelings so
that I could then move on and we could
proceed." And so you're saying that in
all of like three sentences, maybe four
sentences, but what it's doing is it's
hitting all of the things that would
cause a dismissive boy to freeze up and
not be able to apologize to begin with.
You're letting them know in advance, I
come in peace, right? Acknowledging how
they are a good partner. It's not about
shaming or blaming them. You're telling
them, hey, this is personal to me. This
is my experience. It's called an asking
for empathy statement. It's getting
somebody to see your own frame of
reference. You can even say things in
short to people called asking for
empathy statements that we use in the
personal development school. Things
like, hey, knowing what you know about
me, although that wouldn't have hurt you
in the situation, can you see how that
would be sensitive for me? And so,
you're just bringing them back to your
own frame of reference. Okay? And then
you tell the person, "In order to move
on, I just need to hear that you're
sorry. I just need you to honor and see
and understand where I'm coming from and
say sorry, and I'll be ready to let this
go." And what you're doing is you're
saying, "I'm not trying to hash out a
conflict here with you for 7 hours. I'm
not trying to be in a huge conflict for
the rest of the day. I literally just
need you to honor and just recognize how
I'm feeling." Now, some of you, I know
what some of you are going to say. Some
of you are going to be like, "That's too
much work." D. Listen, if you're dating
somebody for 6 weeks and they're already
doing things that are unhealthy, you
don't have to be participating in this,
right? If you're not seeing what you
want in a relationship, it's your job to
actually vet people and not date them
going forward. But if you're on this
video here today and you're in love with
somebody that you've been dating for a
year and a half and you don't want to
walk away from a relationship without at
least trying to change your
communication and you can flip it in
three sentences to actually get your
feelings acknowledged. This is a great
tool that you can use not just with
dismissive avoidance. You can use it
with anybody when they're triggered in a
conflict and not seeing your side.
Family members, friends, romantic
partners, of course, bosses, you know,
in a more succinct way. But you can
really dive in here and just use these
asking for empathy statements to get
seen and heard to get your feelings
honored and acknowledged. And it's a
really easy thing to do in three or four
sentences that just gives you some
degree of control and really ups your
chances on being able to work through
communication in a much easier way.
Okay, so you can use that framework. We
talked about this in the conflict
communication course at PDS with a whole
bunch of other really powerful
frameworks for communicating which also
are included in that spin to win thing
down below if you want to access that
course for free too. But that is it for
today. Okay. Thank you for watching.
Thank you for listening. Let me know
your questions, comments down below. And
I hope you like, share, and subscribe to
this channel if you find this
information valuable. And I will see you
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