This content shares profound life lessons learned over the past year, emphasizing self-respect, authentic connection, and intentional living through practical insights on boundaries, attention, and personal growth.
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You think saying no will let the other
person down. Well, guess what? When you
say yes when you don't want to, you let
yourself down and you let that person
down. And in the long term, you actually
end up building resentment. It's better
to say no and continue to have a
relationship than say yes and resent the relationship.
relationship.
>> The number one health and wellness podcast,
podcast,
>> J Shetty. J Shetty,
>> the one, the only J Shetty.
>> Hey everyone, it's J Shetty. Welcome
back to On Purpose. It blows my mind
that millions of you tune in every
single day to listen and to watch. Make
sure you've subscribed to my YouTube
channel so that you never miss a video.
And make sure you've subscribed on
Apple, Spotify, iHeart, or wherever you
get your podcasts so that you don't miss
a drop. I've got so many exciting things
coming your way. Now, it's a very
special episode today because tomorrow,
if you're listening to this on the 5th
of September, 2025, tomorrow, the 6th of
September, is my birthday. And every
year, I love to do a reflection
introspection episode. Today I'm going
to share with you lessons I've learned
in the last 12 months. They're about
life, people, relationships.
I'm going to give you the biggest ones
that I've taken away. These are real
lessons that have come from lived
experience, come from my own mistakes,
come from my own challenges and
struggles. And I love doing this episode
for you every year because it really
gets me into my own heart and mind, and
I get to open up about it with all of
you. I always find that birthdays become
about parties. They become about gifts.
They become about presents and time with
the people you love. And those are all
really beautiful things. But for me,
they're also a time of taking stock,
evaluating, auditing, and looking at my
life, making sure that I'm moving in the
direction that I want, that I'm serving
my mission and purpose in the way that I
want, and that I'm showing up for myself
and the people I love, in the way that I
want. It's a beautiful annual ritual
that I love to do, and I'm so glad I get
to share it with you all on the podcast.
So, here are the top 10 lessons I've
learned in the last 12 months.
The first one is helping less can
actually help more.
This one is so hard to say as a coach.
It's so hard to say as someone who's
always trying to help others. It's so
hard to admit as someone who wants to
see others grow. And I'm sure you're the
same. When you love someone, when you
care about them, you want to help them,
you want to be there for them, you want
to show up for them, you want to solve
all their problems, you want to fix
everything. But here's what I've
learned. Often when you try to help
others, you can actually end up hurting
them. You hurt them not because of you
helping, but because you're helping ends
up enabling them. It ends up making them dependent.
dependent.
It makes them feel that they're
inadequate to make the change
themselves. It makes them feel that they
can't depend on themselves. They have to
depend on you. It makes them feel that
if you're not around, they might not
know the answer.
Really powerful leaders make people
believe in themselves.
You're not trying to get people to
believe in your advice, to think that
you're a great person because you're
always around. You want people to
reconnect with their own intuition,
their own gut instinct. And when you're
busy solving, fixing, and helping everything,
everything,
they never get the opportunity to do that.
that.
Ask yourself when you're helping
someone, are you giving them the
opportunity to help themselves or are
you taking it away? When you're trying
to support someone, are you assisting or
are you trying to solve everything for
them? When you're trying to be present
for someone, are you actually trying to
fix and control everything
or are you just there for a helping
hand? It's so counterintuitive, but it's
true. Overhelping creates dependency.
Studies on learned helplessness show
that if you rescue people too often,
they stop building resilience. If you
always rescue someone when they're in
danger, they don't develop the skills
themselves. If you always fix things for
people when they're struggling, they
don't learn to fix it themselves. If
you're always rushing to help someone
when they're going through a challenge,
they may lose the ability to help
themselves and you may hurt them instead.
instead.
Your best intention
could actually cause someone long-term
pain. Sometimes the kindest thing you
can do is step back and let someone stumble.
stumble.
Real coaching isn't carrying someone up
the mountain. It's reminding them they
have legs. We think helping people is
always noble. But sometimes help is just
disguised control. Think about that for
a second. When you jump in too quickly,
you teach people that they can't handle
life without you. When you carry their
load, they never build the muscle to
carry it themselves.
When you do everything for someone,
they develop learned helplessness.
When people stop trying because someone
else always steps in. Your rescuing can
rob them of resilience. Your fixing can
steal their chance to figure it out.
Your guidance can block them from
developing their own inner compass.
Helping someone can actually hurt them.
Trying to fix someone can actually make
them feel more broken. When you rush to
solve, you send the hidden message. You
can't do this without me. It can turn
love into pity. It can turn care into control.
control.
Support doesn't mean solving. Love
doesn't mean fixing. Compassion doesn't
mean control.
Helping someone can hurt them. Fixing
someone can break them. Carrying someone
can weaken them. Protecting someone
can trap them. Saving someone can
silence them. People don't grow when you
do it for them. They grow when you
believe they can do it themselves. They
don't need your rescue. They need your
trust. They don't need a fixer. They
need a witness. someone to say, "I saw
you do that and I'm here to watch you do
it again. I'm here to give you a helping
hand if that's what you need right now."
But realizing that you don't want to
take away their opportunity. It's almost
like saying, "Hey, I'll be with you at
the gym, but I'll lift the weights for
you." That wouldn't make any sense,
right? I can be with you at the gym, but
I can't lift the weights for you. I'll
be with you by your side, but I'm going
to do the diet for you. It doesn't work
that way. You can't transfer your
sacrifice into someone else's success.
You can't transfer your discipline
into someone else's desire. You can't
transfer your work into someone else's worth.
worth.
It doesn't work that way. They have to
have the discipline. They have to do the
work. They have to make the sacrifice.
You can be there by their side, but you
can't do it for them. This is a huge
lesson that I've learned this year. And
I've realized it's a painful one because
my nature is to want to see people reach
their potential. And I want to speed it
up for them. I want to solve it for
them. I want to accelerate it for them.
But I've seen time and time again that
when I step back, when I'm present, when
I'm there,
that person builds a confidence like
they never could have if I did it for
them. And that's actually more beautiful
to watch and observe. And I've seen it
this year and I've actually said it to
people. Hey, I am ready to help you with
whatever you need. But one thing I've
learned about growth is that I believe
you genuinely have the ability to grow
yourself. You don't need my advice. You
don't need me to tell you what to do.
You actually already know it inside of
you. I want you to connect with that.
And watch how empowered they feel.
Make people believe in them, not in you.
That's the goal. Lesson number two is
something that I've heard this year that
really resonated with me. Saying no is a
full sentence. We think yes keeps
relationships alive. But research on
boundaries shows the opposite. People
who can say no clearly are more trusted
and more respected. Every yes that
betrays yourself erodess connection.
Every no that protects your truth
deepens it. No isn't rejection. It's
honesty in its purest form. Now, we all
struggle saying no. Think about the last
time you struggled saying no. Saying no
is so hard because it triggers the fear
of rejection. Humans are wired for
belonging. Evolutionary psychology shows
rejection once meant literal death.
Exiled from the tribe, you've been
kicked out. That wiring hasn't
disappeared. Saying no feels dangerous
because our brain interprets it as
risking disconnection. Another reason
why we struggle to say no is something
known as the guilt reflex. When you say
no, and think about this the next time
you do it, especially to people close to
you, your brain actually releases the
stress hormone cortisol that mimic the
discomfort of guilt. This is why so many
people, all of us, we overexlain or we
apologize, right? We're soothing our own
nervous system, not just the other
person, because we're now feeling a
sense of guilt. But here's what happens
when you say no.
It builds self-respect.
Studies on assertiveness training show
people who practice saying no report
higher self-esteem and lower anxiety.
Every no is a small vote of confidence
that your time, energy, and needs
actually matter. This happened to me the
other day. I was actually with a friend.
I hadn't seen them for a long time and
they were telling me about some really
deep struggles they were having in their
life and someone wonderful came up to
the table who wanted a picture and to
say hello and I said, "Hey, I would love
to do it right afterwards, but I just
need to be present with this person
right now." And my heart sank. I didn't
want to say no. I get so happy when I
bump into you all at airports,
restaurants, wherever I am. I I love it.
I really enjoy seeing you all. And I
felt so bad saying, "Hey, you know what?
I'll do it later, but I can't right now
because the person I was talking to was
sharing some really emotional, difficult
stuff that they were going through, and
I wanted to be present for them. But
having done that, I could tell how much
it meant to the person with me. And I
really hope the other person understood.
It wasn't that I was being mean. It's
not that I didn't want to do it. It was
just that I was trying to draw a
boundary that was important to me. And
it's really hard. It's really hard. Nine
out of 10 times I would say yes immediately.
immediately.
But learning to say no was so important.
The other thing is that when we say yes
without alignment, it actually breeds
resentment. Think about this for a
second. When your friend asks you for
something and you want to say no, but
you say yes to people, please. You say
yes because you don't want to let them
down. You say yes because you know they
might overreact. What ends up happening
in the long term? You end up thinking,
"God, I hate this person. I've got to go
do this thing for them today. I've got
to get through this thing today. Oh my
god, I got to do this thing." It's made
into resentment. If you say yes without
alignment, it actually breeds
resentment. Social psychologists find
that when people say yes out of
obligation, it leads to cognitive
dissonance, a clash between values and
actions. Over time, this erodess
relationships more than an honest no
ever could. You think saying no will let
the other person down. Well, guess what?
When you say yes when you don't want to,
you let yourself down and you let that
person down. And in the long term, you
actually end up building resentment.
It's better to say no and continue to
have a relationship than say yes and
resent the relationship. By saying no,
you protect the quality of your future
yes. People begin to trust your yes more
because it's no longer automatic.
Boundaries create credibility. A woman
my mom worked with once told me she had
spent her entire life saying yes. Yes to
family. Yes to her kids. Yes to her
community. She was the person everyone
leaned on. Birthdays, last minute
babysitting, emotional support, loaning
money, cooking meals, you name it. If
someone asked, she said yes. But behind
the yes, she was exhausted. She felt
invisible in her own life. She told me,
"I didn't even know what I liked
anymore. I only knew what everyone else
wanted. One day, her daughter asked her
to watch the grandkids again. After she
had already cancelled plan twice that
week to help. Something inside her broke
for the first time in 30 years. She
said, "No, not today. I need rest." Her
daughter was shocked, upset, even
guilted her. And that old fear came
flooding in. What if she loved me less?
What if I'm needed less? But something
surprising happened. The world didn't
fall apart. Her daughter figured it out.
And for the first time, she spent the
day doing something just for herself,
reading, walking, and sleeping without
apology. And later her daughter
admitted, "At first I was mad, but then
I realized you've never said no to me.
You deserve to." That single no rewired
the entire family dynamic. Her daughter
stopped assuming she'd always be
available. Her grandchildren learned by
example that boundaries are normal. And
the woman herself, she told me that no
felt more like love than all the yeses I
gave for decades. Saying yes constantly
had made her resentful.
Saying no finally made her relationships
more honest.
Sometimes the most loving thing you can
do for others is to stop betraying yourself.
yourself.
Learn to say no.
Learn to say not now. Learn to say this
doesn't work for me. Learn to say I
can't carry that today. Learn to say I
need space.
Learn to say I've changed my mind. Learn
to say I deserve better.
Learn to say yes only when your whole
self agrees. Because every fake yes is a
quiet betrayal and every honest no is an
act of respect for you and for them.
Lesson number three that I've learned in
the last 12 months is your attention is
your real bank account. I noticed a few
years ago how when I started using Tik
Tok, my attention started to diminish
and it took a lot of effort to bring it
back. I was someone who loved reading
books. I was someone who loved getting
into deep journals and articles. And all
of a sudden, I saw myself looking for 8
seconds of joy, entertainment, and speed
of consumption. And I started to realize
my attention is my real bank account.
Because what makes or breaks your life
is where you spend your attention.
Cognitive psychology calls this
attentional control. And it predicts
success better than IQ. Think about it.
Billionaires go bankrupt. But someone
who can direct their focus can rebuild.
Your attention isn't just currency. It's
compound interest. Neuroscientists call
our attention a limited resource. Every
time you focus, you spend mental energy.
Like money. You can invest it, waste it,
or lose it. Unlike money, you can never
get it back. Psychologists have found
that people who learn to direct their
attention intentionally, what they read,
what they notice, who they give time to
predict life satisfaction more than
income or IQ. Stop wasting your
attention on people who don't value yours.
yours.
Stop wasting your attention on problems
you can't control. Stop wasting your
attention on scrolling through strangers
lives. Stop wasting your attention. It
is your greatest wealth. When I think
about my attention, I think about it
like my bank balance. There's only a
limited amount you have to spend.
How are you going to use it? How are you
going to direct it? How are you going to
focus it? How are you going to allow
yourself to not be consumed by
unnecessary things? Let's say someone
did something really bad to you. Let's
say someone wronged you. How much time
do I want to waste trying to solve that?
How much energy do I want to spend
trying to get an apology? How much time
am I willing to give away and never get
back hoping that person will realize
what they did was wrong? We waste hours,
days, weeks of our life on things that
won't make a difference. The next time
you're upset by something, ask yourself,
do I really care?
Even if I get the result I want, will it
really matter? Or is there a better use
of my time? Is there a better use of my
energy? Lesson number four is that
achievement without alignment feels like failure.
failure.
We think success guarantees fulfillment.
But psychology shows when your
achievements don't match your values,
they feel hollow. That's why people hit
milestones, the promotion, the house,
the wedding, and feel emptier than ever.
It's not that the house, the wedding, or
the milestone wasn't important. It's
that did you connect it to your values?
Success without alignment isn't success.
When actions and values don't match, the
brain experiences internal conflict. For
example, I value family, but I spend all
my time at work. I value creativity, but
my role only rewards efficiency. This
dissonance, this distance creates
stress, anxiety, and eventually burnout,
even in successful people. This is what
I've learned this year that really blew
my mind. I want you to remember this.
You'll become successful
by what you get. You will become happy
by what you lose. When you get a new
job, a promotion, a
new level, you'll feel successful. But
you'll only feel happy when you lose.
When you lose envy, when you lose ego,
when you lose greed. It's when we lose
that we become happy. Because for years,
I used to hear people say, "Money
doesn't buy happiness." And I used to
think to myself, well, it's really easy
because the people who often say that
are the ones with money. And so that
didn't make sense to me. And also, I saw
people with money who were happy. I saw
people without money who were happy. So
I said, "Okay, well that doesn't make
sense either." So what was it? What I
saw is that it didn't matter what you
did have or didn't have
in terms of things, in terms of success,
but it did matter what you did or didn't
have internally. So, if you had money,
but you had envy, you weren't happy. And
if you had money, but you didn't have
envy, you could be happy. It was the
lack of envy and the lack of ego that
guaranteed happiness. no matter what
position you were in. Because those were
the two traits that pushed away love and relationships.
relationships.
If you're egotistical, you turn people
off because now they don't want to be
around you. And if you're envious, you
get turned off by people that you don't
want to be around. When you have
arrogance and ego and bravado, you push
people away. When you have envy, you do
the same thing. You can't be friends
with someone you're envious of. And no
one wants to be friends with you when
you're egotistical. You lose the most
valuable part of human life, which is
human connection and relationships. When
these two qualities take over your life,
as much as we're working on what we get,
we have to work on what we want to lose.
Mastering ego and mastering envy are a
daily practice. They're a daily habit.
You will be so much happier if you
reduce your envy. You'll be so much
happier if you reduce your ego, not just
increase your output, not just increase
your productivity, not just increase
your efficiency.
I promise you, give attention to that
part of your life. I focus on that part
of my life a lot. I call it the seeds
and weeds. I think about envy and ego
like weeds in the garden of my life that
I have to uproot that I have to take out
that I have to purify
and you feel so much better for it.
Lesson number five, the people who
frustrate you teach you the most about
you. Annoyances aren't random.
Psychologists call it projective
identification. The traits we can't
stand in others often mirrors parts of
ourselves we haven't accepted.
That controlling boss, maybe it reflects
your own fear of letting go. People are
mirrors, not just irritants. It doesn't
mean that they don't have that problem
and what you're seeing isn't real. It's
that you may have it, too. Your triggers
are your teachers.
Your jealousy is your guide. Your anger
is your mirror. Your irritation shows
you your wounds. Your defensiveness
reveals your fear. Your impatience
exposes your expectations.
Your sadness highlights your values.
Every reaction is a revelation.
Every trigger is a teacher.
Life will keep sending you the same lesson
lesson
until you learn from it. Lesson number six,
six,
kindness is remembered longer than
achievement. Ask people about their
mentors or loved ones and they rarely
recall accomplishments.
I doubt you'll end up at a funeral and
hear about someone's accomplishments. I
doubt you'll end up at a 70th birthday
and hear about someone's
accomplishments. I was actually just at
a dear family friend's 70th birthday a
couple of weeks ago.
No one talked about his achievements.
And he has plenty. They recalled moments
of kindness.
They recalled moments of genuine,
sincere connection. Behavioral science
shows emotional memory outlasts factual
memory. People forget what you achieved.
They don't forget how affectionate you
were. People will remember when you were
kind. People will remember when you were
caring. People will remember when you
listened without rushing them. People
will remember when you showed up when no
one else did. People will remember when
you forgave them at their lowest.
People will remember when you believed
in them before anyone else did. People
will remember when you stayed calm while
they fell apart. People will remember
when you gave them dignity instead of judgment.
judgment.
They may forget your wins. They may
forget your work, but they won't forget
your energy. And even if they do forget
all of those things, there'll be one
that remembers.
And the most important thing, you will
have lived a clean, energetic life.
We don't do those things to be
remembered for those things. We do those
things so that we can go to sleep
peacefully. You clean your energy
internally so that you can live in a
clean place. Right? You don't clean your
home just cuz people are coming over.
You clean it so that you can live in a
clean home. You don't clean your mind
for everyone else. You do it because you
want to live in a clean place.
It's a huge one. Lesson number seven.
People change more from being understood
than being corrected. We think people
need better arguments. In truth, people
need better listeners. Studies on
motivational interviewing show people
change when they feel heard, not when
they're lectured.
Understanding opens the door that
correction keeps locked. Sometimes the
best people get the worst of us and the
worst people get the best of us. The
kindest people get our pain and the
meanest people get our joy. The real
ones get our silence and the fake ones
get our performance. The loyal ones get
our doubts and the disloyal ones get our
trust. The ones who stay get our
frustration and the ones who leave get
our patience. We give our apologies to
strangers and our harshest words to the
ones closest. We hide our tenderness
from the safe ones and hand out our
smiles to the ones who've hurt us.
That's the tragedy of human behavior. We
misplace our best energy. What I've
realized is that we all lecture the
people closest to us. We think if we
tell them what to do, they'll finally
get it right. The reality is people are
looking to be validated, heard, and
seen. You may say, "I know what they're
going through." But have you ever asked them,
them,
have you ever talked to your partner and
just said, "I want to hear from your
side how this feels.
I want to know why it is that you keep
struggling with this." Not in a
demanding way, in a curious way, in a
genuine way. Remember, people change
more from being understood than being
corrected. People change more from being
loved than from being hated. People
change more from being validated
than pushed and judged. Lesson number
eight. This one blew my mind. And it's
from one of my favorite authors of all
time. We remember endings
more than middles. It sounds obvious,
but stay with me for how it applies to
life. Psychologist Daniel Connean has a
rule called his peak end rule and it
shows that we judge experiences not by
how long they lasted but by the peak
moment and the ending moment. That's why
a single kind goodbye or one cruel exit
defines the whole relationship in our
memory. The peak end rule is a
psychological principle discovered by
Nobel Prize-winning psychologist Daniel
Connean and his colleague Amos Trerski.
It says we don't judge an experience by
its average or total duration. We judge
it by two moments. One, the peak, the
most intense part, whether good or bad,
and number two, the end. How the
experience concluded.
everything else fades into the
background. So, Connean did a famous
cold water experiment that proved this.
Participants put their hand in painfully
cold water for 60 seconds. In a second
trial, they put their hand in cold water
for 90 seconds, but in the last 30
seconds, the water was made slightly
warmer. It was still cold, but a little
less painful. Logically, the second
trial should be worse, 90 seconds of
pain instead of 60. But most people
preferred the longer trial because the
ending was less painful. The brain
didn't remember the full timeline. It
remembered the peak and the end. Now,
what does this mean for us in our life
and our relationships? One cruel goodbye
can overshadow years of love. I'm sure
there's someone that you loved on, that
you cared about, that you did so much
for, but because you didn't end on good
terms, they hate you. Right? Because you
didn't end on good terms, they talk bad
about you. Because you didn't end on
good terms, they say hurtful things
about you to everyone else,
right? I'm sure you can relate. And one
kind act at the end of someone's life
can heal decades of distance. We don't
carry the full record. We carry the peak
and the ending. Now, how does this apply
to work? People rarely remember the
dozens of average meetings. They
remember the one inspiring keynote and
how they felt when they left the
company. And what about daily
experiences? Whether it's vacations,
weddings, concerts, people remember the
highlight moment and the final moments.
A bad flight home can sour the whole
vacation. We think life is measured in
hours and days. But memory measures life
in moments and endings. End things well.
Always leave people and places better
and happier than you find them.
Don't let things end on a bad note.
Number two, design peaks. Don't aim to
make everything perfect. Create
intentional moments. A surprise note, an
unexpected thank you, one unforgettable
experience. Peaks matter more than
perfection. Number three, manage endings
in conflict. Even if a conversation is
hard, end it with respect.
Simply by saying, "I care about you,"
even if we disagree, can change how the
entire interaction is remembered. So
there you have it. Those are the lessons
that I have learned in the last 12
months. And as every important teacher
has said before, you repeat what you
don't repair. You repeat what you don't
reflect on. You repeat what you don't release.
release.
You repeat what you don't reveal. You
repeat what you don't reframe.
You repeat what you don't respect in yourself
yourself
and you repeat what you don't take
responsibility for.
Patterns don't disappear with time, they
disappear with work. So, I hope you
always remember
to try and do that on your birthday.
Take a moment to do it. I hope these
have helped. Thank you so much for
listening and watching. Remember, I'm
forever in your corner and I'm always
rooting for you. If you love this
podcast, you'll love my episode with
Lewis Hamilton. Lewis and I talk about
why you should stop chasing society's
definition of success and how to be more
intentional with your goals. You don't
want to miss it.
>> Like, it's not about being perfect. It's
about just every day, one step at a
time, trying to be better, trying to do
more. I'm learning a lot about myself. I
had to break myself down in order to be
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