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The following is a fan based parody.
"Sword Art Online" is owned by A-1 Pictures,
Aniplex USA, and Reki Kawahara.
Please support the official release.
(Suguha sobs, gentle music)
♪ Can we live a real life, real life ♪
♪ Do we even know what that ♪
♪ Means ♪
*Cicada buzzing of foreshadowed heartbreak*
- [Suguha] Woohoo! - Huh?
- [Suguha] I'm having so much fun right now!
Man, kendo sure is the best.
Look at me go, swinging my big old stick!
Who would ever wanna stop doing something so cool and fun?
Wee, whoo!
- Ayo, what it do, Schmidt heads?
It's your boy, Schmidt!!!
And we're still here waiting in line to pick up a copy
of the game that's sure to change EVERYTHING!
"Sword Art Online!"
- [Crowd Member] Ah, fuck, asshole.
- I was personally invited
to join the beta test a few months back and,
Let me tell you, y'all ain't ready.
-[Schmitt] When you're full diving, that's what us beta testers call it, - [Suguha] Hey, shit nerd!
-[Schmitt] - [Kazuto] Huh?
-[Schmitt] beta testers call it, by the way, when you’re Full Diving, - [Suguha] There's no room in the display case
- [Schmitt] this Schmitt feels so real, you can actually smell it! - [Suguha] for my new trophy, Imma stick it in your room, okay?
- [Suguha] It'll really brighten up the place,
- [Schmitt] You really just can’t - [Suguha] what with your lack of accomplishments
- [Schmitt] understand until you experience yourself. - [Suguha] or pictures of loved ones.
- [Schmitt] Oh? Looks like everyone’s favorite butthurt little baby bitch, - [Suguha] You know, really any personality whatsoever.
- [Schmitt] Johnny Black, - [Suguha] Did you know your face
- [Schmitt] is at it again in the chat! - [Suguha] looks like a lot of other people's faces?
- [Schmitt] Meat toboggan? - [Suguha] You ever think about that?
- [Schmitt] Now you’re just making up words. - [Suguha] You are beige as a person.
- [Suguha] Don't you fuckin' ignore me!
Ugh, you're probably off in your weird VR
porn world again, aren't you?
You're fucking pathetic, you know that?
You're gonna die in there one day
and trust me, nobody will fucking care!
- [Kazuto] Link start.
- [Suguha] And for Christ's sake,
can you clean your room a bit?
The jizz smell is starting to attract raccoons!
*Reverberations of Raccoon Attraction*
*Notification Bloop*
- Huh?
*Leafa Sigh of Absolute Dejection*
- [Recon] Why so glum, princess?
- Huh?
Bah! Recon, what're you doing here?
I thought the Salamanders had you.
- Oh, they did for a time.
But I exploited an... opening. To make my daring escape.
- Oh yeah?
And that was?
- They didn't see me as a threat.
- That tracks.
- But enough about me.
What's bothering you?
- What?
Oh, it's nothing.
I just got in a big fight with my--
The queen! (Sakuya, Praise Be)
Uhh-- 'Cause she was being a butthead
and refusing to buy me a unicorn.
Ha, she was all like, "Do you have any idea
how much loot boxes cost?"
(Leafa laughs)
It was dumb.
Don't even worry about it.
- Please stop that.
Suguha!
You don't have to be so strong all the time.
You can lean on me.
Let me be more than just your fudge boy.
- What?
Ohh.
- You keep trying to hide away your tender side,
like it's something to be ashamed of, but you're wrong!
It's a part of you, a beautiful part
that makes beautiful potpurri.
- It's not like I enjoy it!
It's survival!
The dojo smells like stale ball sack.
- That's hooey and you know it!
The look on your face as you dehydrated those petunias
was pure bliss.
It's the same look you get whenever you win
a kendo tournament
or shred a man's pride with only your words.
All of those things make you who you are.
You're tough, and you're sweet, and everything in between.
I love you, Suguha, all of you.
And I just want you to know,
that you're awesome,
and worthy of spiders!
- Nagata, I don't know what to--
Wait, what was that last part?
*Recon Screams of Spider Infestation*
- Spiders!
They're in my skin!
LAYING THEIR EGGS!!!
*Leafa Punch of Spider Slaying*
(Recon groans)
- Eugh...
(Recon groans)
*Bowel Blaster*
*Recon Groan of Bodily Harm*
- Thank... you...
- Yeah, any time.
Bold move ambushing me with feelings like that.
You know I'm gonna come out swinging.
- Yeah, I know, but it seemed like you needed to hear it.
- And where do you get off saying I bottle stuff up,
mister my Nerve Gear breaks my brain and that's just dandy?
- What, no, that's different.
- Throw that thing away!
I'll buy you a new one.
After all, I wouldn't be a very good...
girlfriend...
if I kept letting you use that piece of junk.
- Oh, I couldn't ask you to--
Wait, did you just--?
[Rizzlord Recon] Yesss!
- [Leafa] Ha, you dork.
*Leafa Wing Swoosh of Rapid Approach*
*Tiny Ding of Wing Dismissal*
- [Leafa] Hey, I got your text.
- Suguha, I don't even know how to--
- Hold it.
You picked the location.
So if we're doing this, I am picking the terms.
*Sword Clang of Conflict Initiation Followed by Metal Slide of Sword Removal*
- Weird vibe, but I'm game.
*The Black Swordsman That's Not Guts Has Entered The Chat*
- Yes, that's right.
Come into my parfait, said the slider to the rye.
- You uh, skipped lunch to be here, huh?
- Shut up!
HAJIME!!!
- Huh?
You are being so weird right now!
Are you mad at me or what?
(Leafa laughs)
- Oh, I was pretty heckin' steamed.
But I had a really good talk with Recon, you know?
I think he might be my boyfriend now?
- Uh, congrats?
Did-- Did he tell you to fight me?
- Not exactly, but he made me realize
I've gotta take some big steps.
- Oh yeah, like what?
*Leafa Lunge of Languished Leaping*
Huh?!
- Huh?
- What the heck are you doing?
- I'm trying to apologize, but you ruined it
by not taking the shot, you dingus!!
- Oh short, I'm sorry.
- [Leafa] Stop that!
You have nothing to apologize for.
- What do you mean?
You were crying out for help,
and I was too selfish to notice.
- [Leafa] You were eight!
Of course you were more interested in video games than me,
especially when I was lashing out at you all the time
instead of just talking about it.
- No one could blame you for that.
Grandpa divorced Grandma because she suggested
he eat an orange ONE TIME, so that he wouldn't get SCURVY!
It makes sense he'd make you think feelings were a weakness,
and I just left you alone with that monster.
- How many times do I gotta say it?
You were fudging eight!
Even if you understood what was happening,
what were you gonna do about it?
Challenge him to single combat?
I've seen you fight.
It would not have gone well.
Ah shrimp, that was mean.
I'm sorry.
This is a terrible apology.
*Kirito Sibling Sigh*
- Tell you what, how about we both just agree
that we messed up?
We're sorry, we miss each other,
and that Grandpa is a gaping ash-hole.
- [Leafa] Well, was.
- [Kirito] Was?
- Well yeah, I mean--
Ah, oh, right, you weren't.
Yeah, he died.
- What?
Why didn't anyone tell me?
- Iunno, never came up.
*Kirito Sigh of Survivaln't*
- [Kirito] Okay, I feel awful asking, but I GOTTA know.
- [Leafa] Yeah it was scurvy.
- [Kirito] Figures.
- [Recon] I'm sorry, I still don't think I follow...
- *sigh* Once again, this xvx_k1r1t0_xvx_killme is my brother, Kazuto.
And the three of us are going to beat
this unbeatable dungeon in order to save
his online wife from a real life version
of that rich dude from Titanic.
- Cal Hockley.
- Gesundheit.
- So, are you honestly trying to tell me
that THAT'S your brother?!
- By jove, I think he's got it.
- Wait, so when you made that Tweet
about the guy, that was this?
Oh my gosh, oh my gosh,
I gotta tell EVERYBODY!!!!
*Frenzied Tweeting Ensues*
- Cool, cool.
Suppose all we need now
is to have the general sign off on this.
Ah, general?
- General Yui reporting for--
Hmm.
Colonel Daddy, may I have a quick word?
- Of course, sweetie.
What is it?
- [Yui] Are you fudging serious?
This is the crack team that's going to rescue Mommy?
- Yeah, well, I know they don't look like much,
and they aren't, but we're kind of out of options here.
For better or worse, this is our army.
- This is not an army!
This is an empty-headed bimbo
and some green haired invalid!
- Man, she's really got my number, huh?
Ah!
- Stop letting people abuse you, gosh darnit!
*Itty Bitty Yui sigh*
- Very well.
It seems we must make do.
I suppose cannon fodder does have its uses.
- That's the spirit!
- Hey bro, I know I basically did everything I could
to keep you from getting here,
but I just want you to know, I've got your back
from here on out.
Ride or die.
- Wait, so you actually were sabotaging me?
(Leafa laughs)
- Hands in, go team!
*Recon Sounds of Stimulating Solidarity*
- Yeah.
- Hmm.
All right guys, here's the, quote-unquote, "plan".
Fighting those mobs is pretty much pointless,
so I'm just gonna avoid that entirely
and rush straight for the exit again.
Get out of my way, you stupid--
I said get out of my WAY!!!
I was able to get pretty close on my own,
so between the three of us, I think we've got a solid chance
of making it through.
I mean, assuming the spawn rate doesn't change.
Great Baldur's Breakfast,
they just keep coming!
Even still, they're bound to get a few lucky shots in.
But as long as you guys focus
on keeping my health topped up,
it'll be pretty manageable.
*Horrid Sounds of Unmanageable Violence*
- We can't keep up with this!
They're making wounds faster than we can heal them!
- Karma, you vindictive bench!
Now is not the time!
Okay, I think that about covers it.
Any thoughts?
- I’m touching hiiiiim…
- [Kirito] Alright. Cool.
I feel good about this.
This is the worst!
Guys, guys, one of the swords they hit me with
never come back out!
I think it's my pancreas now!
Nope, wait, no, that bad boy's definitely in spleen country.
- We've been ping ponging him between life and death
for three hours now.
I don't know how much more of this his mind can take!
- [Kirito] Don't worry, Olive Oil!
Popeye is coming to save you!
Just as soon as I get at this can of spinach.
- [Yui] Daddy no, that is not!
*Metallic Munching Noises as Kirito attempts to eat one of the robots*
- Yeah we need a new plan.
I'm gonna get in there.
You stay here where it's safe.
- [Recon] Babe wait!
- Huh?
Did you just call me babe?
- I did.
Oh gosh, sorry.
Was that weird?
- Yeah but keep going.
Whatever this is, it is working for me~
- Oh, well...
Listen here, princess~
- [Leafa] Ohh.
- You're always the one getting down and dirty.
But this time, you're gonna let a man take care of you~
I-if that's okay!
- Oh that's very, VERY okay.
What're you...
What're you gonna do~?
- I'M GONNA CAST A MAGIC SPELL AND FIGHT SOME ROBOTS!!!
- [Leafa] Not where I thought
this was heading, but go off, king!
Get 'em!
- A toll for the living, a toll for the lost,
a toll for the wise ones who tally the cost!
*Recon Wreckin'*
- Goodness, Nagata!
Someone's earning themselves an audience
with my brown flower tonight~
- [Kirito] Cheese and crackers,
there are other people here, you know?
- Oh shush you.
Run Spot run.
(Kirito gasps)
(Leafa gasps)
- You will not lay a hand on my princess.
- Nagata, PLEASE!
I can only be so moist!
What brought this on?
- Well, you see, I just had kind of a crazy idea.
So crazy, it just... might...
Spiders.
- What're you--
Oh my gosh, you madlad, no!
- I must not fear.
Fear is the mind killer.
Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration.
- That's mind killer, a spell that gets more powerful
the more afraid you are.
- [Kirito] Of course that's in the kid's game!
Rated E for everyone.
- To see its path.
Where the fear is gone, there will be nothing.
Only I will remain!
*Rizzlord Recon Spell of Utter Annihilation*
*Rogers Getting Rogered*
- You idiot!
You well hung fool!
You didn't need to go that far!
But you may have just given Kazuto the opening he needs to--
*Kirito Grunt of Openings Closing*
(Leafa gasps)
- No one tell him.
If he asks, his sacrifice was totally worth it.
- [Recon's Fucking Ghost] That's sweet sir, but I'm actually still here.
- [Kirito] Nooo...
- [Droid #2398546] Clean yourself up.
- Come on, come on.
You've gotta hang in there, bro.
I swear I'm not gonna let youuuuuu...
Uh.
Escape!
Yeah, I got him, fellas.
Hail Greivous! ...ha.
Am I right?
- [Offscreen Crowd] *Battle Cries* Huh?
- Uh-oh.
*Deus Ex Machina Reinforcements Arrive Faster Than You Can Say Asspull*
- Huh, what're those guys doing here?
- Right?
What happened to, "Good luck with your suicide mission?"
- Lucky for you, a young squire unearthed
some heretofore unseen--
- Brian, get to the fudging point!
- Recon linked us your brother's Tweet.
You see, you see how much less fun that is, Leafa?
- And I thought I was the catty one, nya.
- Oh shut up, Denise.
- My Tweet?
The one about Sugou?
Why would that have mattered?
- How could it nyat?
Everyone here knows someone who was trapped in SAO.
Friends, family, you saved their lives, nyan!
- I can't believe you didn't tell us
you were the real deal!
Has anyone ever told you that you're too humble
for your own good?
- They have not, and how dare they.
- All right, catvalry.
Let's show Kirito our nyando.
OUR NYANJA WAY!!
DATTEBAYMEOW!!
- Ugh, for the hero of Aincrad!
For the one true Kirito!
- [Catvalry] For Kirito! (one guy shouts: For Gondor!)
*Dramatic Music Plays As The Extras Show What They Can Do*
- This is amazing!
I can't believe you guys are actually working together.
- Yes, your brother's bravery has achieved
the long held dream that that cowardly Travis
was so desperate to destroy: True everlasting peace
between the races.
- Wow.
So does that mean that the Salamanders are coming too?
- Oh uh, ha ha.
We tried to get a hold of them,
but they uh, they had a personal thing?
*Cut to a graveyard where a priest is delivering a eulogy*
- It is with heavy hearts that we gather here today
to say goodbye to our dearly departed Squeaker.
Beloved husband, builder of orphanages,
9/11 first responder.
He truly gave everything he had to his community
and asked nothing in return.
His only regret was that he leaves behind
his dear wife, Zelda, and their two beautiful children,
Nathaniel and Superfly.
*Salamander Eugooglizer Tears Up a Little*
Sorry, I'm getting emotional.
Please, Private Big Ol' Nuts, if you would,
Play dear Squeaker to his rest.
*Mournful Bagpipe Rendition of Darude Sandstorm*
*Agonizing high pitch bat cries of unspeakable bat heartbreak, which, incidentally, allow for echolocation*
*Leafa Slash of Bot Deletion*
- Whoa! Thanks!
- Gotchu, boi!
- You think we got enough guys?
- You kidding?! We only needed the two.
- [Recon's Fucking Ghost] Yeah you do!
- [Droid #974365] Intruder alert.
*Droid gets parried like a filthy casual*
*Bot Reported*
*Kirito Slash of Wedded Wrath*
- [Sakuya] Dragons! Kerpraw!!!
- [Dragons] KERPRAW!!!
- Leeeet’s GOOOOOOO!!!
- *gasp* Head’s up! Power Up!
*Sword Spin of Infinite Buffing*
*Sword Glow of Divine Retribution*
*Numbers going higher than ever before*
*Bot Swarm of Futility*
*Kirito Grunt of Combination Cutting*
*Holy Lance of Bot Battery, The Blade That Is a Beam*
*Droids compress into the Kirito Singularity*
- Get get her, bro.
Plunge that clunge.
GOOOOO!!!
*Kirito Enters Beast Mode, Screaming All The Way*
*Resonant Ping of Admin-less Privileges*
- Huh?
What the fudge is this?!
No, no, this- this is wrong!
This is all wrong!
Sugu! Sugu help!
We've made a huge mistake!
*Bots encircle Kirito*
*Silence*
- And with that, our debt is repaid.
Fall back, everyone!
Chardonnay and Meow Mix at my place!
*Soldiers put their hands up because someone has begun playing their song whilst the butterflies fly away*
- I... I'm sure he's got this...
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