This episode of "The Cozy English" explores the profound and often challenging journey of learning to love oneself, emphasizing that true self-love is about care, respect, and kindness, rather than ego or perfection. It highlights the importance of becoming one's own safe place by cultivating inner peace, setting boundaries, and practicing self-compassion.
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The Cozy English learn English slowly.
>> Hi everyone and welcome back to the Cozy
English. I'm Emma
>> and I'm Daniel. It's so nice to be here
again with all of you.
>> Yes, it really is. Before we begin, I
just want to say a big thank you to you,
our listener.
Every day you choose to spend a few
quiet minutes with us, learning,
reflecting, and growing. That means a lot.
lot.
>> Yeah, truly. It feels like we're all
sitting together just having a cozy
little chat about life.
>> Exactly. And today our topic is
something that sounds simple, but it's
one of the hardest lessons for many of
us. Learning to love yourself more than
anyone else.
>> H, that sounds deep, but also a little
confusing, right? I mean, what does it
really mean to love yourself more than
anyone else? Isn't that kind of selfish?
>> That's such a good question. And I think
that's where many people get stuck. When
we hear love yourself, we often think it
means being proud or putting yourself
first all the time. But real self-love,
it's not about ego. It's about care,
respect, and kindness toward your own heart.
heart.
>> So, not about saying I'm the best, but
more like saying I'm enough.
>> Exactly. Loving yourself means accepting
that you're human, imperfect, sometimes
messy, sometimes lost, but still worthy
of love and peace.
>> That actually feels comforting.
But I have to admit, I find it hard to
love myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm
not doing enough or I'm not good enough.
>> Oh, Daniel, I think most of us feel that
way. Society often teaches us to look
for love and approval outside of
ourselves from parents, teachers,
partners, friends. But when that's all
we depend on, our worth becomes fragile.
>> Yeah. Like if someone doesn't like us or
if we fail at something, it suddenly
feels like we're not worthy anymore.
>> Right. But the truth is, no one else can
give you the kind of love that fills the
empty space inside.
That's your job.
You know, I remember once I was trying
to learn something new and I got so
frustrated because I couldn't get it
right. I told myself, "You're so
stupid." Later, I realized I'd never say
that to a friend.
>> That's such a good example, Daniel. We
often forget that the voice inside our
head becomes the home we live in. If
that home is full of criticism, we'll
never feel safe.
>> Wow, that's true.
>> So today, maybe we can start by simply
noticing how we talk to ourselves and
ask, would I say this to someone I love?
>> H, I like that. It's a gentle start.
Yes, gentle is the right word because
loving yourself isn't a race. It's more
like learning to walk home to yourself.
>> I like that image. Walking home to yourself.
yourself.
>> Then let's keep walking together.
>> You know, Emma, after what we talked
about earlier, I started thinking, why
is it so hard to be kind to ourselves?
Like I can forgive other people so
easily, but when it comes to me, I'm the
harshest critic.
>> That's a question I've asked myself many
times, too. I think it starts early.
When we were children, we learned to
earn love by being good, doing well,
making people proud.
Over time, we started believing that our
worth depends on how much we achieve.
>> Yeah. Like love was a reward, not
something natural.
>> Exactly. And when we grow up, that voice
stays in our head. The one that says,
"You should do better." >> Fear.
>> Fear.
>> Mhm. The fear of not being accepted, of
being left behind, of not being loved.
So we judge ourselves harshly because
deep down we think that's how we'll stay
good enough for the world. Wow, that
hits hard. I think that's me. Always
trying to be good enough for everyone.
>> I understand. I used to do that, too. I
remember when I first started teaching,
I was obsessed with being perfect. I'd
replay every mistake in my head after
class. A word I said wrong, a moment.
Exactly. And when we forget that, we
start believing there's something wrong
with us. So our inner critic gets louder
telling us to do more, be more, fix
more. But in reality, what we need is
less judgment, more compassion.
>> H So judging myself doesn't really help
me grow. It just keeps me stuck.
>> Yes. Because when you're always
criticizing yourself, you stop feeling
safe enough to try again. It's like
trying to bloom while someone is yelling
at you.
>> That's such a good image. Flowers don't
grow under pressure. They grow under care.
care.
>> Exactly. The same goes for people.
Growth happens when we feel accepted,
not when we're constantly punished.
>> But how do we unlearn that? I mean, it's
not easy to just stop judging yourself overnight.
overnight.
>> True. You can't silence that voice in
one day, but you can begin noticing it.
When that inner critic speaks, pause and
say, "Thank you for trying to protect
me, but I'm safe now."
>> Wait, thank it.
>> Yes. Because that critical voice is
actually trying to protect you. It
believes that if you do everything
right, you won't get hurt. But it's
working too hard. So you don't fight it,
you soothe it.
>> That actually makes sense. Like
comforting a scared child, not arguing
with them.
>> Exactly. When you start responding to
yourself with calm understanding, your
mind begins to trust that it's okay to
rest, to try to be imperfect.
>> You know, I think I'll start practicing
that next time I catch myself judging.
I'll say, "Hey, Daniel, it's okay.
You're trying your best."
>> That's beautiful, Daniel. That's the
beginning of healing. Learning to be
your own comfort.
>> Yeah, maybe that's how we learn to love
ourselves, by forgiving the parts we
once judged.
>> Yes, that's where real love begins. Not
in perfection, but in gentle acceptance. Huh?
Huh?
You know, Emma, I've been thinking about
what you said earlier about forgiving
yourself and speaking kindly to yourself.
yourself.
>> Well, I'll tell you a story. A few years
ago, I was going through a stressful
time. Too much work, not enough rest. I
kept pushing myself, saying, "You have
to do more."
Then one day, I just stopped and made a
cup of tea. I sat by the window and said
to myself, "You're tired. It's okay to rest."
rest."
That tiny act, just listening to myself,
made me cry.
>> Wow, that sounds so gentle
and so human.
>> It was the first time I treated myself
the way I'd treat someone I loved.
That's the quiet power of kindness.
It doesn't shout, it heals.
>> You know, I usually tell myself to just
get over it when I feel down. But maybe
what I need is to say, "Hey, it's okay
to feel this."
>> Yes, exactly. Kindness starts with
permission. Permission to feel, to rest,
to be human.
>> It's funny. When I'm kind to others, I
feel good. But when I try to be kind to
myself, I feel guilty, like I'm being lazy.
lazy.
>> Many people feel that way. But kindness
isn't laziness. It's nourishment.
Think of it like watering a plant. If
you never water it because you think it
should survive on its own, it will wither.
wither.
>> So, you're saying, "I've been letting my
inner plant die of thirst."
>> Maybe just a little. But the good news
is plants and people can come back to
life with a bit of care.
>> That's a nice thought, but sometimes I
don't even know what kindness looks
like. Like, what do I actually do?
>> That's a great question. Kindness
doesn't always mean big changes. It's in
small choices. Going to bed earlier,
taking a deep breath before replying to
a stressful message, writing something
you're grateful for. It can even be
saying no when you're too tired.
>> So, it's not about being selfish. It's
about being honest with yourself.
>> Exactly. When you start being honest
about what you need, you stop abandoning
yourself. That's self-love in action.
>> I like that. Stop abandoning yourself.
It feels powerful. It really is because
every time you choose kindness, you send
your heart a message. You matter. You
are worth care.
And slowly that becomes your truth.
>> I think I've been waiting for other
people to send me that message.
>> We all do, Daniel. But the moment you
realize you can give that message to
yourself, that's when you become free.
You know, I remember once I failed an
English test. I was so disappointed. But
instead of encouraging myself, I just
kept saying, "You're so bad at this."
Maybe if I had been kinder, I would have
tried again sooner.
>> Probably because kindness gives courage.
It tells you you can try again. That's
why it's so powerful. It doesn't just
make you feel better, it helps you grow.
>> That makes me want to treat myself differently.
differently.
Not just when things go well,
but especially when they don't.
>> That's the real test of self-love.
How you treat yourself on your bad days.
>> I think I'll start small. Maybe tonight
instead of scrolling through my phone
and feeling behind, I'll just make tea
like you did and tell myself, "You did
enough today."
>> That sounds perfect because loving
yourself isn't about doing more. It's
about being gentle enough to rest in
your own heart.
>> That's beautiful, Emma.
>> It's simple, but life-changing.
Kindness is quiet, but it's the
strongest kind of love.
>> You know, Emma, I've been thinking.
Sometimes I say yes to things even when
I really don't want to, like helping a
friend when I'm exhausted, or joining an
event I don't enjoy, just because I
don't want to disappoint anyone.
>> Oh, Daniel, I think many of us do that.
We confuse kindness with pleasing everyone.
everyone.
But true kindness, especially to
yourself, often means saying no when
something doesn't feel right.
>> That's the hard part, though. When I say
no, I feel guilty, like I'm being
selfish or letting people down.
>> Yes, that guilt is familiar to a lot of people.
people.
We're taught that good people always
help, always say yes, always put others first.
first.
But the truth is, when you never set
boundaries, you slowly disappear from
your own life.
>> Disappear from your own life.
That sounds so true, but also kind of sad.
sad.
>> It is sad because boundaries aren't
walls, they're doors. They don't push
people away. They teach others how to
walk in gently.
>> That's a beautiful image. But how do I
start setting boundaries without feeling
like a bad person?
>> Well, think of it this way. When you say
yes to everything, your yes loses its
meaning. But when you say it only when
you truly want to, it becomes honest,
powerful, and full of love.
>> H So saying no sometimes actually makes
my yes more real.
>> Exactly. When you protect your time and
energy, you're not rejecting people.
You're simply respecting yourself.
>> I like that idea. But I think my problem
is I'm afraid people will think I don't
care about them if I say no.
>> I understand. But think about this. If
someone only values you when you say
yes, then they don't really value you.
They value your usefulness.
And that's not real connection.
>> O, that hits deep.
>> I know it's a hard truth. But setting
boundaries is an act of self-respect.
And people who truly love you, they'll understand.
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