The core theme is that personal transformation and freedom are achieved by taking responsibility for one's internal experience, particularly through self-inquiry and questioning limiting beliefs, rather than seeking external change.
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still so special to be with you in our
home. So, thank you for inviting us in
your home. You know, Sage is well, she's
my wife, but that's you could say I'm
partial. She one of the smartest, most
spiritual, most beautiful humans I know
on earth. I think the gift that God has
given me for helping millions of people
is I got this woman as my wife and love
and partner.
>> Thank you, honey. One of the beautiful
gifts in this space between our love,
our relationship is we both have an
utter commitment to take responsibility
for our suffering. Asking questions,
inquiry is a path through that bound
stuck energy of an internal nightmare. A
lot of times so innocently mind is
looking externally. You know, well, he
changes. If she does this, when she does
that, then I'll be happy. I don't know
about you, but I haven't found a human
being on the planet that I've been able
to change yet. [laughter]
through our love, but not through the
expectation or the demand that I need
you to behave differently
in order for me to feel more
comfortable. That's crazy. This is
actually where we all meet in this human
journey. It transcends every religion,
every race. We all meet in this internal
experience of mind that can be beautiful
and expanded and freeing or it can be
bound and restricting.
>> We have a dear friend named Byron Katy. >> Yes.
>> Yes.
>> And if you haven't picked up some of her
books, one of the first books was called
the work.
>> And what we have in common is we believe
that the only way things change is by
inquiry. In other words, things stay the
same unless you question them. That's
all inquiry is, right?
>> And so I have a lot of questions. mind.
Pearl has a lot of questions. Yes.
>> But Byron Katie uh went through this
experience where she literally felt she
lost her mind. Literally, she was having
a mental breakdown and then she began to
realize I'm only having these feelings
because I'm believing these ridiculous
thoughts. We all have thoughts. It's
when you believe a thought that it takes
control of you. So, in order to get
beyond that and come up with a new
thought, she came up with what she calls
four questions and a turnaround. So, I'm
going to give it to you real quick. I
I'm going to chunk it the way I do it. I
make it three questions just to simplify
it a little bit. So the first step if
you're going to make a change besides
getting enough reasons to do it having a
big enough why enough leverage is you
have to break the pattern. So you got to
interrupt the pattern. So if somebody
says Suz's a so- and so she and it's a
derogatory term or John's a jerkoff
whatever the term [laughter] is her
first respond is response or I can't do
this or it's impossible to grow my
business or I don't have the capital or
whatever limiting belief you have her
first question she asks is it true I go
a little bit beyond that because
sometimes when you say is it true people
yes it is true it's just a reflex is it
true could this be a misinterpretation
or misperception about Susan or about
myself, about my business, about my
resources, about the econom, whatever it
is. Do we have all the possible
information necessary to know exactly
what this means? So, do you really know
what's going on with Susie? Do you know
if she's having an illness? Is there
somebody in her family that's being
hurt? Can we really know everything to
know that Suz's a B? You know, and if
you keep asking this question, most of
the time, if you're honest, you go,
"Well, no, we don't have all the
information know exactly what's true.
It's possible it's missation." The
moment you see it's possible that a
limiting belief is no longer true, that
starts to break the pattern. Second
question, now that we start to break the
pattern is now we got to get what I call leverage.
leverage.
>> Change is never a matter of ability.
It's always a matter of motivation.
Meaning, if you said, "I can't stop
smoking." And somebody came up from the
mafia and said, "I got a gun. I'm going
to kill all of your children. You ever
touch another cigarette and we're going
to monitor you 24/7." Yeah, it sounds
horrific, but I bet you could stop
smoking. It's never can you. It's will
you and the only reason you will is you
got strong enough reasons and it's
designed in my view to get leverage. And
what she asks is what do you feel when
you say I can't grow my business or the
economy is out of control. What do you
feel when you say I can never lose
weight? When you believe that thought,
what does it do to you? And a person may
say I feel pissed off or I feel
frustrated or I feel overwhelmed or I
don't have space in myself to even feel
alive. And what that does is it makes
people find what they don't want. It
gives them a reason to change. Third
question you're going to be asking
throughout there is you want to
annihilate the old belief. And the
simple way in which she does this is she
asked this question. She says, "If that
thought never existed, if you never
thought Susie was a bee, never thought
you weren't sexy, what would you be like
if you didn't have that thought
constantly in your mind?" And so what
this does now is we've gone beyond
leverage. Now we're starting to make a
change. And a person will say, "Well, I
feel happy if I didn't think Susie was
mean to me or Johnny was a jerk or
whatever." It puts you in a state beyond
the limiting belief. And then the
turnarounds are simply what we're doing
with these first three questions is
we're taking those legs, those
references that say, "I'm not attractive
enough. Susie's horrible. I can't grow
my business." Whatever. And we're taking
the legs out. Now that they're out
though, we want to make sure they stay
out. So she does a turnaround. And her
turnaround is what's the opposite of
it's impossible to grow my business?
Well, it's totally possible to grow my
business. And that's the second part.
You do the opposite. So, it can't be
done. It can be done. That's a simple
turnaround. It must be done. I will do
it. When I'm judging Susie, how do I
treat her? I'm a I'm a bastard.
I'm a jerk. Oh my god. That starts to
really change the game. And then she
asks you to come up with what are three
ways that you know that you have been
terrible to Susie or what are three ways
you know you could grow your business?
Three ways you know you're you're truly
attractive. Well, I love people. I love
to please people. I whatever. and you
come up with three reasons and now you
built a new belief, a new tabletop. Now
I've done that at hypers speed, but how
many get a feel for that if it makes
some sense to you, make some noise so I
know you're getting it there. [cheering] [applause]
[applause]
>> And so you can do this whenever you have
a limiting belief and it's a really
beautiful format and it really works.
Sage's question has been one of the most
beautiful things for her has always been
where's the good in this
>> and no matter what it is, once she can
find the good in it, the pain
disappears. Yeah. So that's been her
base. But why don't you share some of
the questions? I know you asked, did you
write them down the other day?
>> Yes, of course. You know, there's
certain questions that I find helpful.
One is okay, say if I'm feeling
resistance or if I'm feeling stuck, what
might I be missing right now? And
usually what I'm missing is the other's
perception, the other's experience. And
once again, if you're asking that
question without receptivity, but if
there's a willingness, it's like, okay,
what am I missing right now? Say if I
walked in and Tony was really focused on
something and >> refocus.
>> refocus.
>> So his face is, you know, he's he's
maybe less emotive emotive and I I mean
like a really loving, happy gesture. And
I walk in and as a younger version of
myself, I I misinterpreted. I would see
him in a certain state and I would
think, gosh, he's upset with me. He's
he's he's mad at me at times as life
went on. And if I was believing that
thought, then when I would see him the
next time, that thought is like an
overlay on reality. I'm not seeing
beautiful man who's walking into the
kitchen. Hey hun, hey babe, let's have
dinner. I'm not experiencing that
because one hour earlier if I'm
believing the thought that he's upset
with me. And so now I I really just in
real time is it true is definitely an
ongoing but and and and another one a
complimentary one is okay what are you
missing gosh what am I missing you know
what I remember earlier today Tony
mentioned that his shoulder was really
bothering him what else am I missing you
know he's prepping for this event he's
got 10,000 people for an event in a half
hour he's probably maybe a little
stressed for time nothing to do with me
and so that question for myself It helps
me to walk in the other's shoes and to
see beyond the story or to see beyond
the belief an internal one. This is just
for my own body. I'll ask myself many
times a day, okay, how can I bless my
body? Sometimes I might have a drink of
water. Sometimes I might pop outside and
I'll ask myself, how can I bless my body
right now? Or how can I bless my being?
And my being is different than my body.
My being a lot of times wants to slow
down. I might close my eyes. I call it
like 60 seconds of grace. I'll just call
close my eyes and invite my awareness,
my attention inward. That's nurturing
for me. We all know that what it feels
like to be out in the world and you walk
in your home and there's that feeling of
inquiry invites us home. And by the way,
life is offering all of us challenges.
health challenges, life challenges,
losing jobs, this that and the other,
COVID, all of the things that life is
offering us, how we respond to that, how
we react to that. That's each of our
responsibility. That's our business. And
so in our own relationship, it's so
beautiful because it's two human beings
taking responsibility. You're taking
responsibility of your own feelings and
beliefs. In other words, whatever pain
or frustration or upset or suffering you
may have, it's like it's all internally
created. We we want to say it's the
outside world. You triggered me. That's
the new famous.
>> You made this not a safe space.
>> You'll never be able to control the
external world to be exactly how you
want it to be. You'll never be safe
doing that. You have to create the
safety inside yourself because you want
the answers. My wife is so beautiful in
wanting to see what she's not seeing
within herself. I try to do the same
thing. And that's why we go in with the
purest intent. Yeah. To get to a deeper
truth because we know that'll give us
freedom. And that freedom allow us to
love more, share more, create more, and
be closer to each other and to everybody
else that we love in our lives. It's
such an unbelievable powerful tool uh to
notice to appreciate and to just uproot
what's clunky and what's no longer
serving and to uh transcend and to
transform that through the power of
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