This content tells the story of Gabriel Johnson, a high school student who, feeling ostracized and frustrated by rising vending machine prices and perceived injustices, resorts to petty theft, leading to a series of misadventures that ultimately highlight his desire for belonging and recognition.
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shortly before midnight on June 15th
Gabriel Johnson was apprehended outside
the Minn Kota Lake High School John's possessed
possessed
17.75 in small bills and change which he
confirmed had been taken from a vending
machine inside the school
okay so first of all ripping off the
vending machine last night it it was not
supposed to be funny okay it was my duty
to all the Geeks and oddballs in this
school because that machine sucks
I mean ripping it off was totally
serious business I mean it was 18.
okay it was 1775 I I lost a quarter when
officer McCoy roughed me up oh hey hey
look at it look
look
I have scrapes and I may be dying
why are we talking about this shouldn't
we be talking about how you're gonna
like keep me out of jail or something
because I'm
I've been kind of worried about that
well I guess I'm uh here to tell you my story
story
local high school the purchasers of
these sodas are members of a non-elite
squad known as the high school marching band
this is their story
Fatboy versus the cheerleaders by Jeff herbach
herbach
so here's the Scoop purchasers a pop at
the manakota Lake High School are fat
kids trailer park kids and chicks who
dozens of these kids go back for seconds
like me you know man you drink a lot of
Pop man Justin Cornell my best friend
just saying man
you're fat [Applause]
[Applause]
yeah yeah I mean kids call me fat um you
know it's actually mainly chunk actually
um and Justin was the first person to
call me chunk because he said I reminded
him of a kid from an 80s movie
anyway I knew pop was part of my um
issue but what also thought it was part
of My Success you see the money from the
vending machine went to fund the band
I love band
I love band so much I mean I'm a
trombone player now that is one sexy instrument
self by drinking all that pop you know
winning it huge
anyway then Wednesday morning happened
two two twenty
nah Whoa man
what pop prices the prices change from a
dollar fifty to 225. no longer did I
have the proper coinage for three Code
Red Mountain Dews
seriously Justin and I ran the
okay furiously Justin and I walked to
the principal's office
without my minimum three code Reds I was um
um
all right all right all right [Applause]
Whoa man no
we're just wondering why the sun
increase in pop prizes man
all right all right all right we know it
is right we see it's inflation okay so
you got your money right you got your
money right here and it's just gonna
all of mine has gone back in the
programming all right wait what about
the band I was suspended the band what
Chung Chung Chung chunk all of mine is
going back in the programming all right
Justice [Music]
yeah like I said I'm a little weird
okay so the next day I tried to
compensate by overdosing on the Dew
I robbed my grandpa 20 bucks which is
really sad because part of the reason my
grandpa lives with me is because he's poor
it hurts
turns out that money wasn't even going
to my band
I was sitting at a table in the
cafeteria then dance
Kaylee couch
cheerleader y-e-s the rumors are true
thank you for supporting the new dance
let me put this out there for you I used
to love her
you still
I mean back in elementary school we were
like best friends nah I'd say we were
like more than best friends we were like
like little husband and wife
I mean
I was Luke Skywalker
oh I don't think we knew they were
brethrans that's not the point the point
is is that I hate her now and and she is
the enemy this is fraud we've been we've
been bamboozled just to relax man
Bamboozled Justin no man relax
ing so my hands were shaking at that
hands are weird
anyway my hands were shaking at that
point then I just started to think
wait a minute no I'm losing my band to
pay for that that that that that
stripper team
thank you
This Means War
choo choo
so I issued this declaration of war but
um I didn't really know what I was
fighting for no I was just super pissed
but then I realized I was fighting for
my life
because he banned
has sort of been like my life
I mean where would I be without it
nothing without my horn playing I really
have no consistent claim to love in my life
anyway
then a thought established itself in my
head I started to think about the band
and the pop machine and I thought this
isn't about the band or the pop machine
this is about me no no you know what
this is about
Kaylee Kaus yeah you know what let's
talk about Kaylee cows for a second I
think part of the crack were sold to by
the man
it's the whole idea of Kaylee Kaus
her hair smells like lilacs because she
puts crap in her hair and it smells like
lilacs I mean it's not like her hair
wakes up every morning saying oh I'm
gonna smell like a fresh spring morning
no it doesn't
she puts crab in her hair that smells
like lilacs
and I'm 100 certain that I'm losing my
band to pay for that dance team
and I'm getting my money back
so here's the plan the plan was that I
was gonna go breaking the door outside
um
go up the stairs into the vending
Kaylee freaking cows Gabe
no no no no no no no no no no wait get
gate don't go um
um
is not game
uh is is not Gabe okay bye
Gabe I'm sorry what what what what
you're you're I'm sorry I didn't mean to
take your band away I am the worst best
friend ever I mean yeah we're not no
we're best friends I mean we've always
been best friends I want to help you you
you you do Gabe Skywalker we can use the force
force
that's not
I have a key so um what just do that okay
okay [Music]
[Music]
okay let's stop this is the police crap
I started running
the 18
jingling in my pocket I started making
it to the front door then Dave Johnson
stop oh thank God
I did it
I took the money I did it arrest me now
you took what [Music]
[Music]
crap yeah the cops were looking for me
because I broke into the vending machine
they were looking for me because I never
called my grandpa to tell him I'd be late
late
so I'm grounded now
but that makes sense I did some pretty
groundable stuff I mean I stayed out late
late
oh hey do you see the front page of the
paper batboy versus the cheerleaders now
that is a sexy headline
and not what I told the reporters
I told the reporters that it's
not fun being called names and and even
if you think those people don't care they
they
they sometimes do I mean I didn't enjoy
being called chunk did you know that
Kaylee was the only person to call me Gabe
Gabe
oops
that's the story I told the story of a
young inflatable lovable boy who who
never caused any harm and only brought like
like
joy and stuff
oh and a lot of Mountain Dew
it's sort of a big deal foreign
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