This content reframes a partner's declaration of wanting a divorce not as an end, but as a critical opportunity for growth and rebuilding emotional safety, by shifting one's perspective and response from fear-driven avoidance to radical acceptance and understanding.
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Your partner looks you in the eyes and
says, "I want a divorce. I haven't been
happy for a long time and there's really
nothing left to do, nothing left to say.
I'm leaving and I'm not changing my
mind." And for most men, they hear those
words and they assume that the story is
already written, that it is actually
over. And they don't realize though how
much power they still actually have. Or
they react in ways that often seem
right, seem logical at the surface that
actually makes the whole situation 10
times worse. So, here's my goal for you
for the next 20 minutes. I'm going to
show you a whole new way of looking at
this event in a way that no one in the
industry has probably taught you. And I
want to show you the key secrets as to
why our clients have gotten so much more
success than any others in the industry.
Over the past 10 years, I've used the
same thought process and the same
paradigm shift to help men and women in
this exact [music] situation and
actually use this precise moments where
most people and most professionals would
write off as a guaranteed loss and
actually find the opportunity to show up
and begin rebuilding emotional safety
and connection. So, we're going to cover
three very crucial points here. First,
your partner wanting a divorce is
terrifying. I get it. But here,
suppressing or avoiding that fear and
all the other emotions that come with
this event will only make things worse.
Second, I'll show you how your mindset
and your responses to the same event can
have drastically different outcomes.
Third, I'm going to show you what real
power looks like when your partner
already decided that the relationship is
dead and how to respond in this I want a
divorce moment in a way that builds
massive emotional safety instead of
totally destroying it. So now let's
first imagine a volcano and for this
volcano the past five years there is
pressure that's been slowly building
beneath that surface pressure of lava
and it's bu building in a way that seems
unnoticed like you can't see it from the
surface and you can imagine that lava
building pressure is wanting to be
released then one day the ground begins
to rumble here and all the signs are
there that this cataclysmic explosion
Krakatawa style is going to happen is
happening right now in fact and then the
volcano erupts. Hot lava lights up the
sky, threatens everything around it. Now
what do most people do at this point?
Most people panic. They see this
explosion as something they need to fear
to avoid to run away from. So right now,
right, looking at that exploding volcano
is like your partner throwing that dcut
around. And don't think they're dirty
here. The dcut around I'm talking about
is divorce. Okay? And so your partner
throwing the divorce card around can be
really scary. And that fear can be
paralyzing and it stops your mind from
looking for solutions, from taking
action early, from doing the hard work
to reduce or eliminate the risk of
explosion. But what if I told you here
that your fear, your avoidance, and you
running away from this lava right now is
what actually caused the volcano to
erupt in the first place. I know it
sounds weird, but think about it for a
sec with me. In your relationship, for
example, how many times in the past five
years has your partner said things like,
"I just wish you just listened to me for
once." And whenever she says something
like that, how many times have you tried
to pretend that it's not there, that
it's not important, to suppress it, to
avoid it, to remove it, to change it, to
tell her that, "Hey, it's not a big
deal." Or maybe you said things like,
"Why are you even overreacting right
now?" or you know it's not such a big
deal. Can you make not make such a big
deal out of it? You got so much. You
have so much. I give you so much in the
relationship. Why are you so unhappy
for? You're being too emotional. You're
being too dramatic. You don't understand
how hard this is for me too. And so when
you respond like that, that right there,
what you may not realize is that that is
you plugging the hole. That is exactly
what caused that pressure to continue to
build in the first place. And if you're
thinking right now, wow, like Jeff, are
you seriously trying to say that this is
my fault? I mean, she's the one being
emotional. She's the one exploding right
now, and I'm the one trying to keep
everything held together, and I'm the
one trying to save this relationship. If
you're saying that, if you're thinking
that, you're kind of making my point for
me. Aren't these the same thoughts you
use to justify why you are allowed and
have the right to keep plugging those
holes, to keep, you know, um,
suppressing those emotion, to suppress
whatever expressions your partner has.
And I want you to see here just how
insidious these thoughts and mindsets
can be. It's a paradox. You think you're
making things better, but you actually
have been the one setting up the
pressure to build until all hell finally
breaks loose and the volcano explodes.
So the key point from this first section
is quite simple really. Right now, I get
that you seeing this massive eruption
from your partner and getting the
divorce card is scary and that fear will
want to make you pretend that it's not
there to suppress it, to avoid it, to
remove it or change it. But just don't
follow what those feelings are trying to
get you to do. And crucial point here
again, I never want anyone watching my
videos to think I'm telling you to
reject your feelings or that your
feelings are wrong. What we teach is
radical acceptance of those feelings.
figuring out what bad programming is
causing them and attack that instead. So
now that we understand here that you
know that fear that you feel when your
partner gives you the divorce card is
actually the same thing is bred from the
same thing that actually caused the
divorce card to come up in the first
place because you've been using that to
basically plug the holes and let the
pressure build over time instead of
letting it out in gentle streams. Let us
try to reprogram now how we see lava,
how we interpret lava. And I want you to
be able to see it like I do. Because
honestly, like in our program, we have
the term post-traumatic growth because
trauma aka the lava in this example. Me
and my clients and my coaches, we would
bathe in it if we could. That's our
mindset. We love trauma. We don't get
scared of trauma because trauma equals
opportunity. So now imagine this, okay?
You come home from a long day. On your
way in, you walk past the trash can,
right? It's full, but you're not really
paying attention because you're tired.
You're preoccupied, just like most men
are, right? Me, too. After a long
workday. So, you drop your stuff and you
sit on the couch. You veg out. And your
partner comes out of the kitchen here
stressed and says to you, "Really, Jeff?
You didn't even take out the [ __ ]
trash. I've been here maintaining the
house all day, and you can't even be
bothered to do one small thing that I
ask you. You don't think I want to sit
around and relax all day either?" So,
let's pause here. This right here, what
just happened is what we call a lava
moment. This is a trauma moment. So, I'm
going to show you right now exactly how
your response can massively build or
systematically break safety depending on
your mindsets. So, let's look at three
different clients here in the exact same
moment. So, client one responds to this
by saying, "Well, why why didn't you
just take it out earlier then? If it
bothers you so much, then just take it
out yourself. I worked all day too, you
know." So this guy right by responding
this way he's doing a good job of
explaining and defending himself. This
is basically him in his mind trying to
change her feelings and basically here
in the example suppressing the lava
plugging the holes by trying to win the
argument or win the moment. But what do
you think is the long-term outcome of an
environment like this when you respond
like this? Does this create more safety
in a relationship or does this make
things worse over time? Again, pause the
video if you have to and let this just
sink in for a bit. Now, the second
client here says, "Yeah, I'm sorry. I
forgot." He gets up, takes the trash
out, comes back to the couch without
another word. No harm, no follow, right?
I mean, you did take out the trash in
the first place. Now, let's look at the
second scenario. What do you think is
the long-term outcome of an environment
like this? Does this create more safety
in the relationship or does this make
things worse over time? Now, let's talk
about the magic of the program that I've
created and that no one else is teaching
and the kind of environment the
thousands of clients I've worked with
have been able to provide for their
partners over the years. So, client
three here sees this as an opportunity,
not an attack. And client three here
loves Lava. He says, for example, hey,
um, thanks for reminding me. You're
right. I clearly missed taking out the
trash this time um, and a few other
times. So, let me take it out right now.
He handles the trash, comes back in,
turns off the TV, and says, "You know
what, wife? I can see you're frustrated,
[music] and honestly, I understand why
you would be so frustrated right now.
Uh, I want you to know that I understand
that your frustration here is not just
about the trash, but that you often feel
like you have to nag at me before I do
something simple." Right? I want you to
know that I hear you loud and clear, and
I'm actually trying to work on this
issue with myself. I don't know why my
my brain just defaults to forgetting all
these things. And I want you to know too
that I don't take offense to you getting
frustrated or showing your frustration
right now because it helps me become
aware of where I'm going wrong faster
and it honestly hones me and myself
better in a better way as well. So I
don't want you to feel guilty or like
feel bad for expressing your true
feelings here. So for client three here,
it's not just about the trash, but he
sees the thing behind the thing. It's a
moment that he can use to
post-traumatically grow and strengthen
emotional safety. So, client three here
uses this to understand how she's
actually experiencing the relationship
and to also practice responding in a way
that naturally reduces the pressure
instead of plugging holes and causing it
to build into a volcanic eruption down
the road. So, let's look at the three
responses here to the same trauma event
and let's look at the three outcomes
here. So, with the first guy, most
likely when he responds that way, that
guy is going to be arguing with his wife
for the next three hours or she's going
to shut down and just walks away. With
the second client, the one that's just
takes out the trash and says nothing.
Most likely, she might still say, "Thank
you." But inside, she'll still be
wondering, right? Like, why why the heck
do I keep having to nag at this guy
before he does anything? Like, I hate
nagging, but I have to do it because it
makes me feel like he doesn't care. And
a third guy, most likely based on
observing thousands of my clients try
this approach. This usually opens up a
lot of safety. It plants a lot of seeds
here. It makes your partner feel very
understood, feel very valued, feel
validated because here, not only are you
just taking out the trash, but you're
also acknowledging the thing behind the
thing, the thing behind the trash in
this case. And you're acknowledging the
deeper issues and you're showing a lot
of humility. And with that you're
showing a lot of trajectory and you know
path to changes and things getting
better in the future. Here what's
interesting is that we have the exact
same traumatic event, the exact same
circumstance for all three clients. But
the only thing that changes, the only
thing that is different in this three
scenarios is how you interpret how the
three clients interpret trauma. And how
they interpret trauma will then
determine their actions. and their
actions will then determine the three
very different outcomes
that those three clients have. And this
is the key takeaway I want you to get
from this section. Right? Stop seeing
lava spewing out. So your partner
expressing her true feelings, even the
negative ones, the difficult to hear
ones, as a bad thing. But I want you to
start seeing it as a good thing, as a
good opportunity to get you closer
together. So basically here what we're
saying is whatever resistance you get,
whatever lava you get, including I want
a divorce is a neutral. It doesn't mean
that is your relationship is good, bad,
whatever it is, it's it doesn't mean
it's a good thing or bad thing. It's a
neutral. How your beliefs and how you
see that, interpret that and how you
respond to that will then turn this
neutral into either a negative or a
positive. Just like with the three
examples that I gave you. And this
approach of seeing lava or trauma as an
opportunity like this is what makes our
program so special and why we have been
able to create massive success and a
much higher success rate than any others
in this industry. From thousands of
cases of partners saying I want a
divorce. You know other programs they
teach you very surface level
conversational tactics. We teach the
change in a deep internal way.
Responding like client three is a
default pattern that is genuinely
aligned with how you feel. And I really
want you to see how powerful that is to
be able to show up that way without even
having to think about it. So what now?
Right? Uh you're in a position right now
where your partner said, "I want a
divorce. You have made me miserable and
I am done and I cannot and will not do
this with you anymore. I am out." So
this right here in the example that we
gave is the massive volcanic eruption
that basically will affect right now is
affecting your whole nervous system.
This is the visible breaking point after
years of pressure quietly building due
to the smaller lava leaks, the gentle
leaks and cracks that you did not treat
as important that you have been
unknowingly plugging all these years.
Now the thing is again you are here and
you are where you are. You cannot undo
those years where you've been plugging
those holes and and just ignoring the
lava cracks. So you cannot rewind your
moment right now. What you can decide
right now is whether this moment becomes
pure collapse or the point where you
finally respond differently. So again,
most men either collapse here and say
it's over. I give up. There's no hope
for me anymore. Or they fight. But their
fighting is using a lot of panic, a lot
of begging, bargaining, or maybe through
a lot of anger, indifference,
withdrawal, whatever it is. However, you
have to understand this here. If this is
how you respond to trauma, you will
deepen that damage and confirm to her
that being with you and sharing her true
feelings with you is not emotionally
safe. So, similar to that trash can
scenario, again, just on a much bigger
scale. So what does it look like then to
respond from real power? So one key
question that I first tell my clients to
ask themselves first is I want you to
get to a mind state of asking yourself
what would get me to feel do or say
exactly like my wife did. So in this
case it would be what would get me to
want to get out of this marriage as
badly as she does right now. So when you
keep this question in mind there's two
very important rules when you answer
this question. One, we cannot just have
one context answers, but instead we have
to build a set of context here. We have
to remember that human beings are
three-dimensional beings. We don't do
things because of one thing, one reason,
one cause, effect. Same for yourself,
right? The reason why you do anything is
because of an ecosystem of context. So
what are some examples of these contexts
here? It could be, for example, past
experiences. So for example, what
happened the last time I shared my
emotions? What happened the last time I
tried to express the true feelings of my
uncomfortable truth of what I feel? It
could be societal influences. So for
example, your partner could be watching
how her partner resolve conflicts or
seeing how people in social media,
television or the media in general
handle trauma in a relationship. It
could be because of some future context.
For example, she might be fearing how
the children maybe are going to be
impacted or how miserable one of her
friends are by staying in their
unhealthy relationship. Don't limit
yourself here is the point. Everything
in the human experience makes up this
context. Okay. The second rule is that
the answers here cannot be
characterdriven, but they must be
environmental or system driven. So when
you're asking, for example, what would
get me to do, think, or say exactly the
same thing that my partner is saying
right now? And if you're saying right
now, for example, well, I would have to
be this nagging [ __ ] And that's how
you answer the question, that answer is
a very character-driven one. But saying,
well, for example, if I experienced an
environment where, let's say, the
relationship where I have to nag and nag
and nag before anything gets done, then
I would have also learned that's what I
have to do to make this happen.
That is also an answer to that question,
but that is an environmental or
systemdriven one that is much more
productive and starts to reveal the
things you can change about yourself,
the culture to start providing this
emotionally safe and healthy environment
for the relationship. And this right
here, this question might seem like a
small deal to you right now, but this is
really a cheat code. And I'm going to
show you why it's really a cheat code to
life that all our clients learn in the
program. So maybe you're starting to see
in the client three example here with
the trash before and how he was able to
come up with that response to that
moment. Now let's try to apply this to
the I want a divorce scenario. So let's
say your partner comes to you and says I
want a divorce and you ask yourself in
your mind. Well, what would get me me
right now to feel do or say exactly like
my wife did? And if you follow the two
rules when you're answering that
question, you might find these contexts.
For one, for example, is you know what?
For me to get to that position, I would
have to feel very unhappy. I would have
to feel very unheard, like I'm playing
maybe second fiddle to my husband, to my
spouse, like this feeling of like my
whole existence is just to make my
husband happy. Like I feel like I'm
servant. And maybe the second one would
be, you know, my mom had the same type
of relationship. And look at how
miserable she is because she chose to
stay with a guy like that. because she
chose to stay in a relationship that
made the woman feel like a servant for
the guy who's like the high and mighty.
And maybe the third context here, you
might think, you know what, I can't even
talk about how I feel with my husband
because every time I try, he labels me
as someone ungrateful, someone dramatic,
that I have no right to complain because
my husband gives me so much. You have
three contexts here. It's just an
example. You could find more. But once
you have this, then you may be able to
finally start to understand and be able
to come up with a response that is more
filled with compassion. Then maybe you
can say something like, "You know what?
Hearing that you want to leave, it does
hurt. I'm not going to lie. I'm not
going to pretend it does not hurt." At
the same time, you know, I if I'm
honest, I I'm not surprised. I'm not
offended that you said that. In fact,
right now, I just want to commend you a
bit for showing and expressing how you
truly feel. And I know it can be scary
because of how I reacted to you in the
past when [music] you express these
things. So, I can see that this is your
reality right now. And you know what?
I'm going to just right now respect you
enough to not argue with that. You know,
if I put myself in your shoes, I can
really see how you think that the only
way out now is divorce. For example, one
of the big issues you told me both
directly and indirectly that I haven't
been listening to is how badly your dad
made home life feel for you growing up
and how you know looking back I realized
I never take the time to actually deeply
understand this feeling to deeply create
that culture for you in an environment
that's safety for you where you know
you're craving and worse you know I
think if I look back whenever you do
express in the many ways indirectly and
the many hints you give me that you
don't you haven't been feeling that
safety for the past 5 years. I wouldn't
say this right but I would do a lot of
things and respond in a lot of ways that
would brush it off. I would try to
gaslight myself out of the real problem
here. I would call you ungrateful. I
would call you like you're being
dramatic and I would kind of say to you
what you want to hear at that point but
then nothing would happen. And if I was
in that spot right I would feel like
divorce was the only way out too. So
here right now like I cannot change the
past but what I want to do is you know I
don't want you to feel guilty for saying
that but I want to use this as a sign
for me to take responsibility for myself
for my part in this. I want to change
how I show up from this point forward to
become a place where emotions are safe
to express. And to do that I'm going to
start right now by again not judging you
for expressing that you want to get out
of here. I'm not going to place labels
on you. I'm not going to you know gossip
about you to my friends. Instead, I kind
of just want to to open up this space, I
guess, maybe for you to express more of
what you want to express, more of how
you feel, what you're thinking, and so
on. Because I'm sure there's a lot more
to this I want a divorce thing, then
maybe what you're letting on right now.
Or maybe not. I don't know. And again,
if that's too much, if me asking you to
just open up more is too much right now,
that's okay. If you don't want to,
right? That's perfectly fine, too. Now,
this could be one example of a response
that you give. But notice how this
response was bred from the thinking that
I did by asking that first question. If
I were her, what would get me to do,
feel, and think exactly how she's
thinking right now? And when you say
something like this, your partner might
respond well to it and might not respond
well to it. For example, she might say
something like, you know, I don't
believe you here. I've heard this
before. You say this charming things to
make me think like you understand what I
feel. you change for a week and you go
back to the same thing again and I'm
completely just freaking over it. I
don't care anymore. So again, when you
get that response, so here initial
response, initial trauma comes, you
respond to that trauma in a
post-traumatically growing way. You get
the second response to that. Well,
again, you have the choice here. You
could come either from that weak place
again where you begin defending yourself
or you could realize that the exact same
process here needs to continue to play.
So again here your partner tells you I
don't believe your changes. Ask yourself
again well what context past, present,
future would have to be true for me to
feel and do and think like my partner is
saying right now. And this is the game
that my clients learn to play is that
when you get trauma, you respond to it
with the PTG, post-traumatically growth response,
response,
if that gets taken, well, keep doubling
down on that. If that doesn't cause more
trauma, good. That's fine. Let's PTG
that because the second trauma when that
comes out is revealing again more of the
same confirmation biases, the same
issues that's been plaguing the
relationship no matter whether you're
aware of it or not. So the fact that
it's out right now is a good thing. The
fact that it's out right now gives you
power to actually deal with it to to to
respond to it. But if it keeps stays
hidden, you can never respond to it. So
if you hide it, if you suppress it, it
gives you this illusion that things are
okay, things are good, but things are
not good. And once you do this enough
times, you realize that a matter of
reconciliation becomes when and no
longer if. Because when you're given no
trauma, when you're given good
responses, good, you double down. But
when you're given resistance, you use
that as a bigger even bigger opportunity
for you to catapult even higher. And
this is just one of the key [music]
processes that I teach in my program.
And one of the ways that my clients are
able to take any trauma, whether that's
I want a divorce, I had an affair, or
whatever, and turn every moment into a
post-traumatic growth conversation where
you can deepen bonds, plant seeds, and
actually make this a positive moment
rather than a negative one. The same
moment that a lot of professionals and
other people would write off, we turn
that into a growth moment. And that's
why again once you understand the skills
to post-traumatically grow PTG you
realize that and [music] my clients
realize this too you cannot lose guys.
It's like you try to cut off one head
you grow two heads. How do you kill
something like that? And it's also why
we have such a high success rate because
again if the lava tries to cut off a
head your mind is programmed to find a
way to grow two heads. How do you defeat
someone like that? So let's tie this
back to the volcano again. The big
catastrophic eruption has happened. Are
you going to let this turn into a barren
wasteland where everything dies? Or do
you want to learn the tools to take this
volcano and turn it into a Hawaiian
paradise? Hawaii can never be Hawaii
[music] without those volcanoes. So, if
you want to learn how to actually turn
traumatic events into post-t trauma
growth by learning to recognize that
even the small eye rolls your partner
gives, the small complaints or maybe
even the sharp comments, all those are
extremely important moments to shape
that emotional safety. So instead of
using those as things you want to brush
off, if you want to learn how to see
every trauma event, big or small, as a
massive opportunity [music] to reduce
that pressure in the relationship, to
create safety and become the kind of man
who even when she says she's done, can
see the opportunity to stay grounded,
[music] understand her emotional
reality, and respond in a way that
builds safety instead of adding more
nails to the coffin. Then [music] I
invite you to apply to join our program
using the link below. We'll walk you
step by step through this journey, not
with generic advice you [music] get out
there, but with a comprehensive program
that teaches you down to the identity
level with world-class coaching with a
private community filled with men and
women who are either exactly where you
are right now or already where you want
to be. and watch this video next where
you'll meet one of the clients I'm
talking about here where there was a
member who did not even see any hope who
thought it was not worth trying who
nearly gave up but after doing this work
[music] he's engaged to the woman he's
now engaged to the woman that he thought
he had lost forever and now they're
actually starting a family together
they're going to have a baby together
but for now guys hope that was helpful
and made you some made some light bulbs
um you know go off in your heads I'll
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