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Why am I the ONLY ONE who sees the narcissist's behavior? | DoctorRamani | YouTubeToText
YouTube Transcript: Why am I the ONLY ONE who sees the narcissist's behavior?
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So, I got an email from someone
who subscribes to this channel. It was a
was a little while ago who was raised by
narcissistic parents
and shared that she was always part of a
system where nobody else sees the
parents behavior. And while she trusts
what she sees, she wanted to find out if
she was the only one in this situation
where nobody else was seeing. Well, I
hope whoever you are who watch this
question, who submitted this question, I
hope you're watching because this is for
you because my guess is she's not alone.
Have you ever felt that way? Whether it
is your parents, a spouse, a partner, a
sibling, a boss, a friend, that you see
it, you really see it and have gotten
past the self gaslighting
and you don't question it. like you
really you're very clear on the
unhealthy patterns and it's real and yet
nobody else seems to get it almost
unanimously. The people around you
either don't see a problem
with this person or with these people or
may even think that these narcissistic
people in your life they're just great
or they make excuses when their bad
behavior shows up.
In the old story, which many of you
heard as children, of the emperor's new
clothes, the vain emperor, who
apparently loved to do fashion parades
for the people in his land, then gets
scammed by a sort of old-fashioned
grifter stylist who takes his money and
tells him, "Darling, you look fabulous."
While the emperor stands there naked,
the emperor then walks down the street
buck naked and everyone ooze and a over
him. Oh, emperor, what a grand outfit.
What grand robes.
And the only one who calls him out is a
little boy, truth teller, truth seer,
who says, "Whoa, the emperor is naked.
Listen, it is lonely
to be the one who sees it when others
don't. Now, why would this happen?
There's a few reasons.
because you're dealing with a communal
narcissistic person or people.
People with these communal narcissistic
vibes, they do lots of stuff for other
people. And as long as everyone is
praising them and the narcissistic
people get to do the things for the
other people on the schedule that works
for the narcissist and get to do the
things they want to do, well then they
can really really seem generous and
everyone just goes along and you may
even seem like a jerk for being
suspicious or being turned off by the
communal narcissist. Okay, so that's one
version of why people don't see it and
you do. Number two, it could be that
you're dealing with a grandiose
narcissism that the other people don't
see sort of the dark side of that as
much. A grandiose narcissistic person in
smaller doses can actually be kind of
fun and charming. And others may see
this grandiose narcissist as the life of
the party, as fun, as generous,
extroverted, charming, attentive,
curious, compelling. The more time that
you spend with a grandiose narcissist,
the more you see their vulnerable side,
the manipulations, the entitlement, the
low empathy, the anger, the selfishness,
but a little bit of a grandiose narcissist
narcissist
can kind of feel like a theme park. I
mean, nobody wants to live in a theme
park, but it is a bit of escapism
once in a while and now and then.
Number three, the narcissistic person.
The reason, the number three reason that
people don't always see it when you do
is because the narcissistic person holds
a lot of power, control, or maybe even
stirs fear in the other people around
you. In the story of the emperor, it
seems that the people in the emperor's
land were in some kind of old-fashioned
cult. You had to praise the leader
unquestioningly, or else maybe you were
going to get in trouble.
In some family systems, we can witness a
similar dynamic. If you were to
critique, for example, the narcissistic
person in charge, you will get in
trouble. And that fear can result in an
almost collective fawn response.
And just like we witness in cultic
systems the willingness to throw other
people under the bus and that may
mean that these other people in the
system will literally
go to the head of that system whomever
it is to tell them a rule that you broke
or something you did. or will just
maintain the stance that this tyrannical
person is great
and has everyone's interests at heart
and if you have any problem with that
with them then that's something that's
wrong with you.
The number four reason but no one else
seems to see it but you do are the good
old enablers
and that overlaps with these other three
reasons I've listed too.
But the enablers can be why it seems
like other people don't get it. The
enablers are invested in the status quo.
How they benefit from the system. The
enablers may be a little narcissistic
themselves and especially in family
systems. They may be the ones
who are more concerned with how the group
group
is viewed by the world or how the group
functions or the collective than they
are with the health and well-being of
the individual people within that
system. Enablers do tend to stick by the
person who allows their lives to carry
on the way the enablers want their lives
to carry on, which is usually with as
little change and mus and hassle and
keeping things as they have always been.
A number five reason why other people
often don't see this is people don't get this.
this.
Studying how narcissistic relationships
affect people is my life. So for me it's
a whole I see dead people thing that's
happening for me. But many people don't.
It's not what most people study. There's
not a day that goes by when I meet
someone who does not get it. Now I'd
like to think that to greater or lesser
degree all of you watching this video,
watching this channel get it or want to
get it or have been through it and are
willing to see it for what it is.
But there was a time when you didn't get
it. There was a time
when I didn't get it. Honestly, in fact,
even when I was in graduate school and
in my clinical rotations after graduate
school, that was when I first started to
get it. But the professors and a lot of
the training doctors around me actually
didn't want to engage the discussion
despite all of their knowledge.
Back in the 1990s, people didn't really
get this. And so, when other people
don't get it,
they don't see it. They can't see it.
But that takes us to another issue. And
that is number six.
People don't want to get this.
It sucks to get this. It can feel like a
loss of hope and a loss of innocence and
even in a sense that the world kind of
sucks. Radical acceptance it won't
change. Not everyone can change enough
to make a difference. That doesn't feel
very nice. The idea that some folks just
couldn't be healthy parents or healthy
spouses or healthy partners or healthy
siblings or healthy friends
and forgiveness
isn't really going to fix it. to really
get this
is an acknowledgment
that even the safest corners of our worlds
worlds
are a little more dangerous than we
think. Who wants to get that?
I have even survivors who get through it
and then want to put it all behind them.
You can't put this behind you. Healing
over time
means that you integrate this knowing
It does mean that the fear lifts.
It does mean that you stop calling your
wisdom cynicism because it's not cynicism.
cynicism.
It's seeing things clearly
so you can be more discerning and you
stop blaming yourself. And sadly, that
is not the stance that most people take.
So yeah,
in some families, in some workplaces,
friend groups, other social or organized
groups like a a church or a local
community organization or local
political group, I don't know, even
something like the local parent teacher
group. Yes, you in fact may be the one
person who sees it. People don't like
change. We are homeostatic creatures. We
like it to be steady. We human beings, I
think all mammals are like that. And
steady is again something that people
like. Not all but most.
And to see narcissism in your midst
means that you're questioning power,
Concepts like love your parents no
matter what. Stoic selfharming philosoph
philosophies like suck it up, stiff
upper lip, let it go, move on, etc. You
can move on, but you can only move on if
you can understand and integrate what
happened to you.
When we are the only person who sees
something, no one else around us seems
to get it. We doubt ourselves.
And being through a narcissistic
relationship means we already doubt ourselves.
ourselves.
It is courageous to honor what you know
and it is courageous to honor
that you know what you're seeing even
when others around you don't. That's why
those of you in that truth seeer or
trutht teller role are often inherently
courageous people even though it's very
uncomfortable. So what do we do?
We have to recognize that the
not seers
are limited people and we may need to be cautious
cautious
and not try to convince them or to stop
keep explaining ourselves to them or
wasting our energy. We also have to
ensure that maybe we don't engage with
these people at times when we are having
a crisis of faith or just feeling rund
down or vulnerable. It's important to
cultivate other supports that see it and
know that these other people who don't
see it
can be what can magnify the harms of the
narcissistic relationship for you. Maya
Angelou said it first
and she said it best.
When someone shows you who they are,
believe them.
And that applies to the people who don't
see it as well.
So we can do a bit of a riff on Dr.
Angelou's words and try it this way.
When people don't see it,
don't try to convince them.
Thanks so much for the question.
Keep them coming. But again, it can feel
very lonely when you're only when you're
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