0:03 So, I got an email from someone
0:08 who subscribes to this channel. It was a
0:10 was a little while ago who was raised by
0:12 narcissistic parents
0:16 and shared that she was always part of a
0:19 system where nobody else sees the
0:21 parents behavior. And while she trusts
0:25 what she sees, she wanted to find out if
0:26 she was the only one in this situation
0:29 where nobody else was seeing. Well, I
0:30 hope whoever you are who watch this
0:32 question, who submitted this question, I
0:34 hope you're watching because this is for
0:37 you because my guess is she's not alone.
0:40 Have you ever felt that way? Whether it
0:43 is your parents, a spouse, a partner, a
0:46 sibling, a boss, a friend, that you see
0:50 it, you really see it and have gotten
0:53 past the self gaslighting
0:55 and you don't question it. like you
0:57 really you're very clear on the
1:01 unhealthy patterns and it's real and yet
1:03 nobody else seems to get it almost
1:07 unanimously. The people around you
1:10 either don't see a problem
1:13 with this person or with these people or
1:16 may even think that these narcissistic
1:18 people in your life they're just great
1:21 or they make excuses when their bad
1:23 behavior shows up.
1:26 In the old story, which many of you
1:28 heard as children, of the emperor's new
1:31 clothes, the vain emperor, who
1:34 apparently loved to do fashion parades
1:37 for the people in his land, then gets
1:40 scammed by a sort of old-fashioned
1:45 grifter stylist who takes his money and
1:49 tells him, "Darling, you look fabulous."
1:52 While the emperor stands there naked,
1:56 the emperor then walks down the street
2:00 buck naked and everyone ooze and a over
2:05 him. Oh, emperor, what a grand outfit.
2:08 What grand robes.
2:10 And the only one who calls him out is a
2:13 little boy, truth teller, truth seer,
2:19 who says, "Whoa, the emperor is naked.
2:23 Listen, it is lonely
2:26 to be the one who sees it when others
2:28 don't. Now, why would this happen?
2:31 There's a few reasons.
2:36 because you're dealing with a communal
2:40 narcissistic person or people.
2:42 People with these communal narcissistic
2:44 vibes, they do lots of stuff for other
2:46 people. And as long as everyone is
2:49 praising them and the narcissistic
2:51 people get to do the things for the
2:54 other people on the schedule that works
2:55 for the narcissist and get to do the
2:58 things they want to do, well then they
3:01 can really really seem generous and
3:04 everyone just goes along and you may
3:07 even seem like a jerk for being
3:09 suspicious or being turned off by the
3:12 communal narcissist. Okay, so that's one
3:14 version of why people don't see it and
3:16 you do. Number two, it could be that
3:19 you're dealing with a grandiose
3:22 narcissism that the other people don't
3:24 see sort of the dark side of that as
3:27 much. A grandiose narcissistic person in
3:30 smaller doses can actually be kind of
3:33 fun and charming. And others may see
3:36 this grandiose narcissist as the life of
3:39 the party, as fun, as generous,
3:42 extroverted, charming, attentive,
3:45 curious, compelling. The more time that
3:49 you spend with a grandiose narcissist,
3:52 the more you see their vulnerable side,
3:55 the manipulations, the entitlement, the
3:59 low empathy, the anger, the selfishness,
4:02 but a little bit of a grandiose narcissist
4:03 narcissist
4:05 can kind of feel like a theme park. I
4:07 mean, nobody wants to live in a theme
4:10 park, but it is a bit of escapism
4:13 once in a while and now and then.
4:16 Number three, the narcissistic person.
4:18 The reason, the number three reason that
4:20 people don't always see it when you do
4:22 is because the narcissistic person holds
4:26 a lot of power, control, or maybe even
4:27 stirs fear in the other people around
4:31 you. In the story of the emperor, it
4:33 seems that the people in the emperor's
4:36 land were in some kind of old-fashioned
4:39 cult. You had to praise the leader
4:40 unquestioningly, or else maybe you were
4:42 going to get in trouble.
4:47 In some family systems, we can witness a
4:49 similar dynamic. If you were to
4:51 critique, for example, the narcissistic
4:53 person in charge, you will get in
4:57 trouble. And that fear can result in an
5:00 almost collective fawn response.
5:03 And just like we witness in cultic
5:07 systems the willingness to throw other
5:11 people under the bus and that may
5:14 mean that these other people in the
5:17 system will literally
5:20 go to the head of that system whomever
5:24 it is to tell them a rule that you broke
5:27 or something you did. or will just
5:31 maintain the stance that this tyrannical
5:34 person is great
5:37 and has everyone's interests at heart
5:39 and if you have any problem with that
5:41 with them then that's something that's
5:44 wrong with you.
5:46 The number four reason but no one else
5:49 seems to see it but you do are the good
5:51 old enablers
5:54 and that overlaps with these other three
5:56 reasons I've listed too.
6:01 But the enablers can be why it seems
6:04 like other people don't get it. The
6:08 enablers are invested in the status quo.
6:11 How they benefit from the system. The
6:14 enablers may be a little narcissistic
6:17 themselves and especially in family
6:21 systems. They may be the ones
6:25 who are more concerned with how the group
6:27 group
6:29 is viewed by the world or how the group
6:32 functions or the collective than they
6:34 are with the health and well-being of
6:36 the individual people within that
6:40 system. Enablers do tend to stick by the
6:43 person who allows their lives to carry
6:46 on the way the enablers want their lives
6:48 to carry on, which is usually with as
6:52 little change and mus and hassle and
6:55 keeping things as they have always been.
6:57 A number five reason why other people
7:00 often don't see this is people don't get this.
7:01 this.
7:03 Studying how narcissistic relationships
7:07 affect people is my life. So for me it's
7:09 a whole I see dead people thing that's
7:12 happening for me. But many people don't.
7:15 It's not what most people study. There's
7:18 not a day that goes by when I meet
7:21 someone who does not get it. Now I'd
7:23 like to think that to greater or lesser
7:25 degree all of you watching this video,
7:27 watching this channel get it or want to
7:29 get it or have been through it and are
7:32 willing to see it for what it is.
7:35 But there was a time when you didn't get
7:38 it. There was a time
7:41 when I didn't get it. Honestly, in fact,
7:43 even when I was in graduate school and
7:45 in my clinical rotations after graduate
7:48 school, that was when I first started to
7:51 get it. But the professors and a lot of
7:53 the training doctors around me actually
7:57 didn't want to engage the discussion
8:00 despite all of their knowledge.
8:02 Back in the 1990s, people didn't really
8:06 get this. And so, when other people
8:08 don't get it,
8:11 they don't see it. They can't see it.
8:14 But that takes us to another issue. And
8:17 that is number six.
8:21 People don't want to get this.
8:24 It sucks to get this. It can feel like a
8:27 loss of hope and a loss of innocence and
8:29 even in a sense that the world kind of
8:32 sucks. Radical acceptance it won't
8:34 change. Not everyone can change enough
8:36 to make a difference. That doesn't feel
8:40 very nice. The idea that some folks just
8:42 couldn't be healthy parents or healthy
8:45 spouses or healthy partners or healthy
8:48 siblings or healthy friends
8:50 and forgiveness
8:53 isn't really going to fix it. to really
8:56 get this
8:58 is an acknowledgment
9:01 that even the safest corners of our worlds
9:03 worlds
9:04 are a little more dangerous than we
9:08 think. Who wants to get that?
9:10 I have even survivors who get through it
9:13 and then want to put it all behind them.
9:17 You can't put this behind you. Healing
9:19 over time
9:22 means that you integrate this knowing
9:25 It does mean that the fear lifts.
9:27 It does mean that you stop calling your
9:29 wisdom cynicism because it's not cynicism.
9:30 cynicism.
9:33 It's seeing things clearly
9:35 so you can be more discerning and you
9:38 stop blaming yourself. And sadly, that
9:40 is not the stance that most people take.
9:42 So yeah,
9:45 in some families, in some workplaces,
9:49 friend groups, other social or organized
9:52 groups like a a church or a local
9:54 community organization or local
9:56 political group, I don't know, even
9:58 something like the local parent teacher
10:02 group. Yes, you in fact may be the one
10:06 person who sees it. People don't like
10:10 change. We are homeostatic creatures. We
10:13 like it to be steady. We human beings, I
10:15 think all mammals are like that. And
10:18 steady is again something that people
10:22 like. Not all but most.
10:25 And to see narcissism in your midst
10:28 means that you're questioning power,
10:35 Concepts like love your parents no
10:39 matter what. Stoic selfharming philosoph
10:41 philosophies like suck it up, stiff
10:44 upper lip, let it go, move on, etc. You
10:48 can move on, but you can only move on if
10:50 you can understand and integrate what
10:51 happened to you.
10:54 When we are the only person who sees
10:56 something, no one else around us seems
10:59 to get it. We doubt ourselves.
11:01 And being through a narcissistic
11:03 relationship means we already doubt ourselves.
11:05 ourselves.
11:09 It is courageous to honor what you know
11:12 and it is courageous to honor
11:14 that you know what you're seeing even
11:17 when others around you don't. That's why
11:19 those of you in that truth seeer or
11:21 trutht teller role are often inherently
11:23 courageous people even though it's very
11:27 uncomfortable. So what do we do?
11:30 We have to recognize that the
11:33 not seers
11:36 are limited people and we may need to be cautious
11:38 cautious
11:42 and not try to convince them or to stop
11:43 keep explaining ourselves to them or
11:46 wasting our energy. We also have to
11:48 ensure that maybe we don't engage with
11:50 these people at times when we are having
11:52 a crisis of faith or just feeling rund
11:55 down or vulnerable. It's important to
11:58 cultivate other supports that see it and
12:01 know that these other people who don't
12:03 see it
12:06 can be what can magnify the harms of the
12:09 narcissistic relationship for you. Maya
12:12 Angelou said it first
12:15 and she said it best.
12:20 When someone shows you who they are,
12:22 believe them.
12:26 And that applies to the people who don't
12:29 see it as well.
12:32 So we can do a bit of a riff on Dr.
12:37 Angelou's words and try it this way.
12:41 When people don't see it,
12:45 don't try to convince them.
12:48 Thanks so much for the question.
12:51 Keep them coming. But again, it can feel
12:53 very lonely when you're only when you're
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