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Family Guy 2025 - Peter Becomes 007 | Family Guy FUNNIEST MOMENTS #52

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[Music]

Hey, Stewie. You got a minute for your

daddy? Get out of here, you spineless

oaf. Oh, and by the way, I faked all

those bowel movements. Brian, I feel

awful. Stewie and I were getting along

so good and now he hates me. How do I

get him to like me again? Well, that

depends. Do you really want my advice or

you're just asking random questions

again? What's a hypotenuse? Where do you

think you're going? You're my dog.

You're not going anywhere. Besides, I

need you, boy now more than ever. I

think my wife is cheating on me.

Hey, Tori, it's Brian. I'm getting the

Chinese food for us. I think I'm going

to order some mi like bang

ho. That's not a real thing. I'm talking

about six. All right, I'll be there in

5. Happy birthday, Brian. We bought you

a cake with the groceries, so I got

smashed by a jug of Tide in the car.

Open your presents. Yeah, you got one

from Rammy Malik, star of Mr. Robot.

Wow, he gave me the dark circles around

his eyes.

Ah, cool. Did he also include his dead

soul monotone? No, I don't. Oh. Oh,

wait. Hang on. I didn't see it at first

because it was under some tissue paper.

You know, there's a beautiful spot

outside of town where they dump all the

foreskins. You can sit on top and watch

the sunset. Oh, great. And maybe we

could slaughter a lamb and light it on

fire so that it rains. Listen, I'll see

you later. Okay. I've got to go sit in a

circle with the other women and stare

off into the fields. All right. You got

a date? Yeah. Just hope it goes better

than my last one. Wow, Joseph, that was

great. Yeah. I got to say, I'm a little

disappointed. When you said I could do

you in your mud hut, I thought you meant

something else. I was born into a real

tennis family. On my first birthday, my

mother gave me a little

head. I wanted to be the first male

cheerleader for tennis. I cheer on two

occasions, day and night.

Tennis. And when that was weird, I

decided to just play tennis. Yeah, once.

But this So, this whole persona is just

a publicity stunt. Publicity is what

keeps this franchise running. Brian,

we're even using state-of-the-art

computer animation to create a fake sex

tape with me and Bill Cosby. Now you

will get ready for the zim zam and the

babbidity bib and you will take off your

clothes like voom and voom and get ready

for the most splendifferous pudding pop

you have ever seen. And I'm sorry I

caused such problems in your marriage.

Truth is I was faking it as a

therapist. I've been back almost a year

and I still got nothing going on. Hey,

cheer up Cleveland. I mean Joe doesn't

have a job either. What are you talking

about? I'm a cop. Oh, wait. That's real.

I thought that was like a Make a Wish

thing.

[Music]

Oh, Lois, here comes the best part.

And have a wonderful time.

Is that it? Oh, no. No. It's a and

something something all day, right? Oh,

man. I've lost all faith in mankind.

Music is dead to me now.

I'm serious. You have to stop smoking.

Have you looked in the mirror? You look

terrible. And what do you care? It's not

like you have to look at my face when we

have sex. Not since we started role

playing. Peter, I'm ready. Okay, now put

yours. Wow. Isn't it weird that we both

pick Mario Lopez? Yes, Peter. It's very

weird. Yeah, it shows that we both go

Latino, but soft. Stewie was really

laying in the me about something. Yeah,

it was Stewie. Definitely Stewie. Oh, so

now everyone understands me. Look, Meg,

we're just worried about you. Well,

don't. I can take care of myself. I'll

be out of here by the end of the week.

Punch yourself in the face.

All right. He doesn't know what he's

doing. You fat. So, punch your baby in

the face. I did good. Meg. Shut up.

Lois, thanks again for letting me stay

here. You can't imagine how it feels to

have your heart broken so many times.

Aunt Carol, mom says you'd make a great

Florida [ __ ] What does that mean?

Oh, Chris, I I said that about Kate

Hudson. You know, I always thought I'd

be a good Florida

[ __ ] Thanks to you, my hair stays like

this when we stop. Chris, are Brian and

your father back yet? No. And why are

you saying the dog's name before dad's?

It's weird. That is weird. You're right.

Well, they better get here soon. I can't

host this Thanksgiving dinner on my own.

Hear that? This thing's all on you.

What? What are you talking about? Well,

the fat man's never going to get back in

time. And with him gone, that makes you

the man of the house. I sentence you to

death. So, what's going on here? Just

having dinner. That's Dad's chair. He's

going to be mad. Wow, Brian, you sure

have been doing a lot of jogging lately.

It's called running, Lois. Why don't you

have some food? Oh, you mean fuel? No,

no offense, Lois, but that stuff is

nothing but chemicals and empty

calories. Okay, I'll m much some up and

put it on the floor next to the trash if

you get hungry. So, uh you got uh you

got my money, huh? Oh, yeah. I'll I'll

pay you soon. Yeah. Well, um here's a

suggestion. Um have the money by

tomorrow and there won't be any

problems. Why? What happens in 24 hours?

I don't know. Not psychic, man. I'm just

saying it would probably be better for

everybody if you had the money tomorrow.

Yeah. All right. I'll see what I can do.

Sweet. Sweet. Great. Uh how's everything

else going? Good. All right. All right.

See you later. Don't forget. Nah, you're

not going to forget.

Good morning, Griffin. Griffin, Griffin,

and Griffin. Huh? I thought our letter

had had five Griffins on it, Meg. But

you were right to leave one of them off

because you're fired.

Dad, what are you doing in here? Oh,

hey, Chris. I just figured now that I'm

Justin, I should start a sweet news wall

for stuff I think is totally sweet. Big

puffy clouds are very sweet. Big

hamburgers. Small hamburgers, too.

Sliders, I think they're called. Ranch.

Here's just a picture of a vest. Pretty

sweet. Palm trees are very sweet cuz

like the beach. This is my room, Dad. We

find Peter Griffin guilty of murder in

the first degree. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no.

Oh no. Oh no. Oh yeah.

Okay. Can I ask everyone to please stop

saying oh no in this courtroom cuz the

[ __ ] Kool-Aid guy is going to keep

showing up. Thank you. Ah, the office

party. Raw broccoli and shecake. I like

when the universe gives me easy choices.

Thank you for coming. If you haven't

already, please don't forget to Venmo $4

to James for the broccoli and sheetcake.

And I want to thank Paula from HR for

saving us a little money by squeeze

farting the last three bottles of ranch

dressing onto a paper plate.

What the? Where is

[Music]

it? Boy, I tell you, no better way to

start your day than a morning dump in a

neighbor's yard. Come on, Brian. It was

a soft steamer, almost impossible to

pick up.

pervert. Oh. Oh, don't flatter yourself,

honey. I don't have any sweat glands.

But you, you were phenomenal. You really

think so? Here, have a look. I think

these turned out great.

Wait, Ben, are they all of my feet?

Well, me, the thing is, my name's Evan,

by the way. A lot of people will pay

good money for pictures of sexy feet.

Foot fetish porn sites are a huge

business. And so, gentlemen, in

baseball, three strikes and you're out.

But three lucky strikes and you're in.

Nice try, Don, but I'm afraid we're

going to have to take our business

elsewhere. Oh, I don't think so.

[Music]

What the hell was that?

And now back to the

I'm your number one

fan. Who Who are you? I'm Stewie Wilks.

I saved your life. You were in a

terrible car accident and you broke both

your legs. I taste lipstick. Am I

wearing lipstick? Not anymore. But what

are these formulas for? For these.

[Music]

Oh my god. You've got a weapons room,

too. And look at the size of it. It's

amazing. Yes. Although sometimes I think

it's too big. It takes the cleaning

woman forever to clean it.

[Music]

Tinkle Fairy. Hey, Grunt. You know,

there's something I always wanted to ask

you. When you know you have single

coverage, do you give a hand signal to

Brady or is it just eye contact? I don't

know. Want to see me dance? Well, no. I

asked because sometimes you're being

covered by a little guy and then you and

Brady look at each other and am I am I

supposed to touch you? What What am I

What am I doing here? Oh, I'm sorry,

bro. What was the question? I just I

just want to know if you and Brady have

like a like a secret hand signal or

something. That is top secret. But lean

in and I'll tell you.

Hey ladies, you mind if I park here?

I'll only be a few minutes. Stewie, what

is that on your lip? I drew a pencil

mustache. Come here. I'll take care of

that, sweetie.

It's got spit all over it. Now I know

what it feels like to have dinner with

Martin Landau. What people forget about

Palansky is Palansky wasn't a

perfectionist. and pedophile or not, he

he was a perfectly professional person.

Dad, I'm gonna eat meat on Fridays, golf

on Sundays, laugh at Jewish comedians,

and yes, sleep with my Protestant wife,

but I won't enjoy it, and she hates it.

Well, we can't both go on a trip at the

same time. I'm sorry, Peter, but I

already have a taxi waiting. All right,

I'll go tell the guys I'm not going. Why

is he taking his suitcase to tell the

guys? You guys, come on. We got to go

now. Let's go. Move it. I'm in the

shower. It doesn't matter. was stealing

Lois's camp.

Son of a And the idiot took my suitcase.

A He was taking me with him. What are

you doing, OJ? Well, I got no money left

to pay off my civil suit debt. So, I'm

making a god's eye to send to Fred

Goldman.

It's kind of nice, right? Better than

nothing. He's got money to buy tongue

depressors and yarn, but not enough to

pay us back. You know how much mustache

cream that could have bought? I don't

like the mustache, Fred. Nobody likes

the mustache. That's why we lost the

trial. That's not true.

I just thought of a way to get the

Gumbles back on the air. All right, Dad.

All we got to do is tell a little white

lie. Just go with it. Is this a Grant

the Dream Foundation? My son Chris is

dying. Holy crap. No. Oh my god. That

was the lie.

Oh, you sly boots. Okay, let's do this.

Hey.

Wow. Is that Harrison Ford? Yeah, it

said in the brochure that he assists

with all the jumps. Get off my plane.

Get off my plane. Get off my plane. Oh,

look. He even brought Kalista Flockheart

with him. Yeah, Peter. I think that's

just a piece of paper. Good, cuz she

looks fat. Get off my plane. Get off my

plane. Get off my plane. So, what do you

think of the house, Brian? As far as

Chadley knows, this is where I live.

Stewie, who owns this place? Oh, just

some rich idiot I saw bragging about his

vacation on Instagram. He posted a

picture of his feet in sand. You're a

guy. Don't do that. What a dick. Hey,

I'll swallow his dental floss. You pull

it out of me and put it back on the

roll. Good girl. Ah, that must be

Chadley.

Stand up. You're going to break that

thermometer.

[Music]

My god, it it's extraordinary. They all

seem to be completely unaware that

anything is a miss. Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa. Not a chance. I like your house

better. I got nothing to hold on to when

I poop at home. You have no idea how

many shower curtains I've ripped down.

Now get inside. No, I'm not going to do

that. Oh, yes you are. Get away from me,

you son of a [ __ ]

What the hell, Joe? Don't take that from

him.

[Music]

Short fight. Going to get you. You got a

funny little wiener, but you're a nice

guy. Meg. This is great, Dad. I know.

I'm having even more fun than when I I

mean, than when we went Fiona apple

picking.

Dad, they're all bruised and filthy.

Yeah, these might be throwing at buses

apples, not eating apples. See, Meg, you

can be in the flashback cuz we're

friends now. What's that, Dad? It's my

new meth distribution system. I've

trained this carrier pigeon to do all my

deliveries for me. Fly away,

Benjamin. Ah, perfect.

Perfect. Now, this is the money I owe

Peter. I want you to take it back to

him. Do you understand?

[Applause]

I know it's been you cyberbullying me. I

didn't mean to get you expelled, but now

I'm glad I did. You're a very

disrespectful young lady. At least I'll

have a paper towel with the power to

take on any spell. Okay, that's it.

You'll pay for this. Connie, you better

watch your step.

Oh, a lion bar. I'm sorry. Did I say a

piece of candy? More like British candy

for the whole class. Hello. Show and

tell National Championships in Debb,

Illinois. I have a nominee for you. Damn

it. I'm sick of being oneuped by Doug.

Hurts. Hurts worse than a trip to the

barber shop.

This is what babies think happens in

[Music]

haircuts. Thank you. That That was um me

farting by by

Shopan. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you

very So Olivia, beautiful day. You're

not going to fart again, are you? Well,

I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a

total [ __ ]

Well, look at your fine ass. Are you

talking to me? Damn right. I've been

looking around this whole house for

something to nibble on. I think I just

found it. So many confusing feelings.

Dead. Sex. Black woman. Historically low

mortgage rates. I got to go buy a house.

Lois was right. I'm not a writer. I'm a

joke. I'm one big fat ridiculous joke.

Well, maybe you just didn't try hard

enough, Brian. You know what, father

from Family Circus? All you do is judge

other people. Every day in the funnies,

all you do is judge. Why don't you shut

your mouth for once and go home and your

wife in the face?

You know what? That's exactly what I'm

going to do.

What's all this? Oh, hey guys. Sadly, my

uncle Ray passed away last week, but he

left me his vintage sports car. Joe,

that's amazing that your uncle died. But

I'm really sorry to hear about the car.

He means that the other way around.

Hey, quick, put these on. You're not

going to throw a veteran in jail. Is

this some kind of joke to you? No, it

was a sincere idea. Real servicemen and

women have made real sacrifices for this

country. And you, you're an actual

veteran. You should know better. I'm

sorry. You made a mockery of our whole

family, Glenn. Now, everywhere I go,

it's like people are staring at me and

whispering. Hey guys, so I'm in my own

trunk. Uh, I think I'm going to get

murdered. Uh, but before I do, I forgot

I'm supposed to mention Triscuits.

Really, all the Nabiscoco products.

They're they're solid. You know, like on

the back of Triscuits when they give you

the recipes for those snacks, like the

the mini pizzas. I swear to God, make

those little pizzas. # it triscuit life

hacks. Go ahead and check it out. Recipe

in biome. Step. Uhhuh. Step. Step. Step.

Step. Okay, Peter. Whatever you do,

don't look down the

hole. Oh god, I look down the hole. Oh,

I got a sense of what's down there.

Okay. Okay. All right. You can still

save this. Just don't

smell. Oh god, I smelled everything. Oh,

it's so deep in my nose.

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

Med Griffin, we need to have a talk.

Oh my god, you kids were doing it in the

ear. Hey, my sandwich tastes funny. Is

there something wrong with the Smuckers?

Yeah, it's been on my crutch.

And now to exhibit the only power I have

in this world. Stop.

Hey, stop. He's not stopping. You're

supposed to stop for my hand. You're

supposed to stop for my hand.

You know I envy you, Stewie. I used to

be innocent like you. I've killed

people. Then I lost my virginity at six

to our strangely female plumber.

Respect. I know you're just a baby, but

I feel like you really understand me. I

can understand you,

dude. Ah, it's late. You must be tired.

[Music]

There you go, little buddy.

[Music]

Release the virus. No, I was thinking we

could spend the whole day in bed. Oh,

that's a great idea. Permission to begin

a day of epic love making, sexy lady.

Permission granted, sir. And if I need

help, I'll just fantasize about that

Victorian

stripper. Yeah, you [ __ ] Doth the

magistrate know what you're doing

tonight? Good. Now, undo the top six

buttons of your hundred button shoes.

Good morning, class. Morning, Dad. We're

going to need a few things for this

class. An eagerness to learn, a thirst

for knowledge, but one thing we won't

need is this. That's right. I know

you're all used to teachers wearing

tuxedos and Dracula capes, but not this

one. There will be no pretense in this

classroom. There will only be open minds

and new horizons.

If only they knew.

[Music]

Yeah, it's my boy.

Hi. Uh-oh. Do you own a gray Honda

Accord? No. Okay, good. Good. My name is

Becky and this is my son TJ. You're the

single dad whose wife is two feet under.

Yes. The shallow graves were cheaper. I

was wondering if you wanted our kids to

have a playd date. I know how hard it

can be being a single parent. I can make

some lunch. Fire up the bounce house.

We'll do it. We'll do it. He's going all

the way to Vermont for cat gifts and

whatnot. You can get a scratching post

down at Walmart for $2. Pair of Lee

jeans for $9. You know they got seats

for children now. You put them right in

your car. Supposed to make them safer.

Only problem is you can't lean your seat

all the way back. Oh.

[Music]

Man, look at this. Look at that.

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

Oh, that was amazing. Congrat.

This is mine. This is where my babies

come from.

Dad, what are we going to do? You think

it's too early to tie our shirts around

our heads to show we're going insane? I

mean it, Dad. This is serious. I did

pants instead.

I don't feel so hot. What is wrong with

me? Have you taken a break since you

started drinking? Not until right now.

Do you feel like lying on the couch

rubbing your eyes while listening to Lou

Reed's Perfect Day? Yes. Then I'll tell

you what's wrong with you. You got a

hangover. Peter, as far as the US

government is concerned, you're an

illegal Mexican immigrant. Holy

crap. Looks like I've got myself in a

bind. How will I get out of this one?

Stick around cuz we've got Cleveland and

Quagmar and Joe and Mort and all your

cartoon pals.

Cleveland, I think this beautiful woman

would like to say something to you. You

told me this was Lois's intervention.

Nice. Cleveland. Loretta, what you did

was unforgivable. This marriage is over.

Well, that's just fine, Cleveland, cuz I

am through being your wife. Well, I may

not be perfect, but I deserve better

than you. Look at that, Lois. As

beautiful as an HBO minority fairy tale.

If I can just escape this quarantine and

make it to the next town, I'll be able

to get that vaccine I need.

Stewie, I'm you from the future. You've

got to get the hell out of town before

you get sick. Yeah, I know. That's what

I'm doing. Okay, I'm really here because

I know you have glue. Give me the glue.

Stewie, listen to me. Never ever do this

great thing I love.

[Music]

Peter, don't. It's suicide.

No, no, no, no. I don't think so. It

It's not that I have ideological

differences. I'm I'm just not a hat

person. Hey, look. I didn't know the

principal of Make School was Jewish.

Hey, there's Bill Nye, a science guy,

and half of Lenny Kravitz. Optimus

Prime. He's Jewish.

[Music]

You know what? We had such a great time.

I'm just going to book another visit to

that

house. Huh? That's weird. I can't book

it. What the hell? The owner of the

house gave us a zero star review. She

She said we stole

something. I'm banned from Airbnb.

Ooh, tough break for the Pelican. Who?

This is just a phone number. I know. I

know. It's my phone number. Oh, yeah.

What do you think of that? Um, I'm not

sure. Well, you know, I'm sure for you.

Oh, yeah. I see. Yeah. I'm a little

creeped out. Hey, congratulations.

Somebody famous now hates you.

Okay, so that's enough autographs, I

think. Who is it? It's the bird. We're

here to beat you up.

What aren't you lying to yourself about?

Okay, you want to know the truth, Brian?

Brian the dog. I love her. You hear me?

Love. This is priceless. Haven't had

this much fun since I went to that

graveyard. Yeah. How do you like how

this sounds, huh? Try cleaning up this

mess while you're burning hell. Peter,

are you ready to go? Almost. Oh, what do

you mean you don't like that? Just try

it. Maybe you will. Now that Angela's no

longer with us, we will be your new

bosses. We're splitting the job because

one of the shareholders favorite songs

was Ebony and Ivory. So, here we are.

Now, we know it's difficult to remember

two new names. So, to make things

easier, you can call us Bea or Shirt.

Boy, I bet you she's a handful in the

bedroom.

So, how's the job hunt going? Yeah, it's

awful. Cleveland quagmire blew every gig

we got him. Guys, the only thing I know

how to do is fly a plane. That's what I

was born for. And I'll never be happy

unless I can do it again. And that's the

only answer. Somehow we've got to get

Quagmire his job back. Fellas, I think I

have an idea. Hello, operator. Hello. Oh

god, that's right. You have to punch in

the numbers

nowadays. I should know this. Oh yes.

8675309. That's it. No, wait. That's not

it. Damn you, Tommy Two

Tone. Only one thing to do.

1111. Lois. Damn.

11112. Lois. Damn.

[Music]

11113. It's beautiful. Ah. I just wish

my hot girlfriend were here to see it.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. You have a girlfriend?

What's her name?

Girly Frenston. Girly Frenston. Nice

try, Stewie. Well, looks like the whole

neighborhood's out here. Yeah. Just hope

that weird albino up the street doesn't

show up. That guy creeps me out. Hello,

Peter. Hey. Hey, Bill. Uh, what are you

doing out here in all this snow? Just

taking my rabbit to the vet.

Well, I'm all done shoveling your walk,

Mr. Herbert. Thanks, Chris. But there's

some in here, too.

Oh, it was so sweet of you to plan this

picnic, Ivan. But why are we in a

cemetery? Meg, I brings you here because

cemetery is very special place. It is

here where you can finally meet my

parents.

Your parents are dead. Oh, Ivan, I'm so

sorry. It's okay. They died peacefully

being ripped apart by dogs.

Chris, did you put a [ __ ] skinin cap on

Stewie? No. Why?

They look like little robbers.

What's going on? Peter paid the

villagers to reenact the contest episode

of Seinfeld. I am out. Huh? I am out. I

have pleasured myself.

Don't bowl. Dad, I have had enough of

you taking advantage of these people.

For God's sake, the woman playing Elaine

is a high priestess. You can't spare one

square. My race isn't for a few days, so

we should have plenty of time to hang

out. Anyone want to grab some food?

Sorry, Magg. I can't. I'm trying to land

you some endorsements, and I have a lead

with a very popular IBS medication.

Quick, say, I never let travelers

diarrhea keep me grounded. No. Well,

then you're just hand in this thing

right to John Croc.

Hey, Chris. Hector found two rocks

outside that look like boobs. You in?

Ah, who needs rocks when you've got

these? Check it out.

You'd be surprised at what people lie

about. Cleveland claims he likes Miller

Light because it tastes great. It does.

It's less filling. Tastes great. Less

filling.

The great American beer conflict.

Brother fought brother, mother fought

daughter, father fought son. A nation

divided over which was the least trashy

quality of a crappy domestic river beer.

I'm a Yankee doodle dy 8 lb Yankee

doodle do or die 129 a big one. Real

life nephew of my uncle Sam. Born on the

4th of

July.£3. Someone couldn't wait to be

here.

[Music]

That was

incredible. And hey, sorry I barked when

you took your pants off. I thought it

was a squirrel. Ready to go again? Oh, I

need time. I'm still recovering from

that one thing you did that was so

obscene it couldn't even be described on

lame dying network TV. Have you always

been so freaky? No, but when I got my

diagnosis, I made a bucket list of wild

sex stuff I want to try. Georgie, Uncle

Rush, you are getting heavy. I know. I'm

64 and 3/4. You sure are a slugger. Hey,

you got one for me? What? What are you

talking about? Oh, come on, Uncle Rush.

I I don't know what you're talking

about, really. Come on. Oh, wait a

second.

Yay! Yippee! Thanks, Uncle Rush. Don't

tell my dad. Wow, what a day. Please

don't comment. Oh, look at you. Did you

get a job, [ __ ] Did I get a job? Um,

this ain't a life vest, sister. It's a

work vest from a little place called

Mega Hardware. Cuz that's basically what

I am now. Just an everyday workingass

Joe. Well, good for you.

No, no, Brian. This doesn't feel right

today.

Yes. Hey there, cutie. Oh, hey. How's it

going? Um, are you a friend of my mom's?

Yeah, I'm your mom's friend, Mrs.

Robinson. I don't I don't get that. Is

that a reference to something? Ah, okay.

Uh, I'm uh Oh, I'm Stifler's mom. Still

no idea. Okay, just get your pants off,

hun. Chris, are you sure this is

Isabella's village? This place looks

pretty rough. Yeah, this is it. Santa

Terribly. Look, there she is.

Chris, what in the mind of Mensia are

you doing here? My babies. Isabella, I

missed you so much. Hi, Grace. I missed

you, too. Look, Isabella, you shouldn't

be separated from your children. So,

we've brought them to you. We wish you

all the best. Say goodbye, Chris.

Well, let's take the old boy out for a

spin. Eyes open. Voice test. I'm Chris.

I'm Chris. Eviscerate the proletariat.

Eviscerate the proletariat. Putting on

the rats.

Not my bit, but still funny. System

off. Splendid.

Hey, you want to see me run up that

slide? Sure.

Oh, damn it. I think my belt buckle cut

my gut. Hey, Peter, can I ask you

something? You're not just hanging out

with me because I I can buy you alcohol,

right? What? Of course not. We're

friends. Yeah. No, I I know. That's

that's that's what I thought. And also,

you bring me dead birds. I know Lois

gets mad about it, but I like using them

to point at things. Everybody, my tax

refund is here. I'm going to buy us

something we've always wanted. A cat? A

stereo? A pool? Oh. Oh, I'm I'm sorry.

It is a pool. Oh, Joy. I'll beat it and

take care of it. Oh my god, it's better

than I thought. An Audi. I'm getting a

car. Uh, Peter, there's a T in there

that that says audit. No, Brian, it's a

foreign car. The T is silent. Sweet. I'm

getting an Audi. I have an any.

Oh my

god, I can see. Oh god. But if anybody

finds out, it'll ruin my I see you.

Brand Peter told me he'd been doing

laundry. And now I'm even wondering if

he lost those 75 lbs like he said.

What's that, Lois? I'm just on the spin

bike. Got a good sweat going. Boy,

you're right. Sarah loves those hills.

You will be worked harder than you have

ever been work in your miserable,

pathetic lives. and play harder, right?

I bet. Step forward, maggot.

Next time that'll be you. Well, why

wasn't it him this time? Oh, I'm so

scared.

Peter, stop it. Yeah, you're real big

when you got that stick. Ain't you Okay,

I'll stop now. Lois, where's the first

aid kit? I tried to put a ilios in the

oven and I burnt my head. Top of the

closet. Oh, that little case. I've been

taking that to work to look like a

businessman. Hold the elevator. Hold the

elevator.

Sorry. Can someone push any button,

please? I don't work here. I'm just

being silly.

Mayor West, here's the gay marriage ban

for your approval. Excellent. This is so

important. I'm going to sign it with all

capital letters. It's going to say Adam

West. That's what it's going to say.

You'll see.

Okay. Before you do anything else, I'm

deathly allergic to pineapple, pork,

rum, macadamia nuts, stupid tiny

guitars, overpriced golf, sentimental

military stuff, lava, people who I can't

tell are black or Asian, apostrophes,

anyone twirling flames, second weddings,

and linen pants. Is there anything

you're not allergic to? Yeah, the Epcot

Center where I wanted to go. So, Peter.

Oh, big surprise. Take her side, why

don't you? Peter, let's take a breath.

We're just here to talk. So Lois tells

me you don't like doing everything in

the bedroom.

Robert, my transporter is complete. If

my calculations are correct, the cast of

Star Trek: The Next Generation will soon

be here to answer all my questions.

Wait a minute. Something's wrong.

All right, you girls ready for

something? What's going on?

Don't you laugh at it.

I uh I I don't think I'm in the right

place. I I'm looking for a guy to come

entertain the kids at my son's birthday.

Oh, sure. I can do that. You do

children's parties? Oh, yeah. I can do

like a handstand or somersaults. Maybe I

I can make pretend like the children are

little bugs in my web.

Man, Meg being pregnant is almost as bad

as when that other lady was pregnant.

Remember the lady with the loose baked

eggs rack? Remember her, Peter? That was

me. And no way was I worse than this.

Well, maybe this will turn out better

than you think. Like eating edible

underwear in nonsexual situations.

I can't believe you chose this for your

last meal. Well, I guess we're both

shocked today. Okay, fellas, light me

up.

[Music]

You can't believe grandpa's dead. Well,

he did kind of treat us like crap, but

yes, it is a tragedy. It is a tragedy.

Excuse us. Yeah, we'll be right back.

We're all going to miss him. Tragic. You

know what the worst part is? All I

wanted was for my dad to tell me he

loved me, but instead he called me a

fat, stinking drunk.

Joe, thank God. We need to get to the

Wikipog in fast. Can you drive us? No.

No. Oh god. Joe's swapped bodies with

Canuela. That must mean the whole town

swapped bodies. Damn it. I was going to

say the whole town. You're right, Brian.

Apparently, this is a universe where

everyone has to take a poop right just

now.

Okay, Bill, you got those numbers? Yeah.

Yeah. Okay, just leave them on my desk.

Okay, that works out fine for me.

Where's your desk? Doug knows where my

desk is. Craig, are you good with this?

Yeah, that should work out pretty good

for me, too. All right, men. This

obstacle course represents the final

test of your trading. Almost all of you

have completed it in the allotted time.

But as you know, as a unit, you either

all graduate or none of you graduate.

Griffin, it's up to you. Okay, good

luck. And go.

You did it, Brian. You did it.

[Music]

Hey, do you know where I can get a

pacifier in this place? I'm jonesing.

Anyone hears you say that in here,

you'll get your ass kicked. You're the

something on your shirt, kid, right? How

did you know? Well, I make it my

business to know. You got pretty lips.

Why, thank you. It's a new serum. Move

over, lip balms. The secret is retinol.

Let's talk later.

There it is. The Crawford Ranch. I can't

believe we're actually doing this. What

a bonding adventure for the two of us.

Settle down, Magg. Okay, I see old man

Cheney guarding the place.

[Music]

I knew you were awake.

You

[Music]

You are in my power. No. Damn you. Damn

you. Let me go.

Excellent.

Stewie body. Anna, please just give me

another chance. Gosh, he doesn't look so

good. I know, but you do.

You know, I get off at 4:00. I might

just be up for a

[Music]

movie. Okay, somebody really needs to

help me here.

Up next is Papa John dying his eyebrows.

I sleep with him to find out, though I

am fairly confident the answer is yes.

And we're clear. What? What's going on?

I finished my investigation. I don't

understand. And I I thought we were in

love. I only let you think that. I'm

sorry. It's time for me to go.

Chris. Hi, Grandpa. I got an internship.

You mean you've been working for Trisha?

[Music]

Meme. Not a meme.

Meme. Not a

meme. Where am I? Let me out. Let me

out.

Hello, Peter.

This is your god, a woman. Well, she's

the founder of our faith. Oh, really?

So, with this book from the 1800s, you

can pray away paralysis or terminal

illness. Yes, we would pray for anyone

who's afflicted. Well, and I'll tell you

who you should really be praying for.

Out of work clowns.

Well, I didn't get it. They gave Bizzy B

to Frederick.

Frederick, I'm not going to hit you. So,

relax. Anyway, the point is, it's not

working anymore, Robert. I can't focus.

I can't concentrate. Clearly, my work is

suffering. Look, we're both adults. We

can split custody of Simon. I guess I

better tell him.

Simon, you know mommy and daddy love you

very much. You all right? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. In fact, I was just about to melt

some cheese on chips if you want to stay

for a sad single guy dinner. You going

oven or microwave? Uh, microwave. I

don't know how to turn on the oven.

Those uh chips are going to be chewy.

Peter

Stewie, you got a letter from the

Makea-Wish Foundation.

Oh my god, they've accepted my

application. I'm going to get my final

wish granted. I get to meet the

Philadelphia Flyers mascot, Gritty.

Gritty. Gritty. Gritty. I'm not going to

pee in a cup for you, so stop asking.

This was supposed to be my day, and

you're ruining it.

You'll Venmo me for this, too, I

suppose.

[Music]

Look at you two tuxes in a nightclub.

God, you're more out of place than

Prince was on the prices, right? And

what's your bid on the dining room set,

Prince? 350. I'm sorry. 350. Can you

speak up, please? 350. All right. And

the actual retail price of the dining

room set is $350.

Yay.

Where is the Stewie you came with? Oh,

well, these these thugs came to shoot

you and I tried to throw myself in front

of the bullet, but it must have gone

like under my armpit or something cuz it

it exploded your face. Wait, what about

the other me? Oh, it was so sad. You

took your own life. I I tried like hell

to talk you out of it, but you jumped

off a balcony. People keep coming back

every hour because they think it's a

regular show, like like the volcano or

or the pirate ship thing.

Dad, I'm sorry I have to say this, but

you're a fat ass who's completely

incapable of performing the simplest

tasks. But you're also my father, and

you're the only one I'll ever have. So,

I'm not going to fire you. Mr.

Penisburg, I quit. Meg, that was a

wonderful thing you just did for me. I

can't believe this is coming out of my

mouth. But I'm too tough to cry, but I'm

going to miss you, too.

Safe travels, buddy, and keep in touch.

will. Goodbye, Chip. Bye. Come back

soon. Okay. But Chip never did come

back. He became the new young funny kid

on ABC's The Middle. Good morning,

family. And before anyone asks, I

brought this owl from home. I did not

take it from the enclosed owlery. Just

want to make that clear. Home brought

owl. Peta, what did the two of you talk

about last night? Who? Yeah, who? You

can see why I stole this from the

owlery. I I mean brought her from home.

Damn it. Okay, I feel all of you looking

at me. So, here goes. Meg, wherever you

are, I hope that you're with Bubba. And

I want you to know that Lieutenant Dan

is walking around. Is this from Forest

Gump? I miss you, Meg.

Stop it, Ryan. Stop your crying. Stop

it. Please stop. Stop. Stop it. Stop

crying. Stop crying. Stop crying. Stop.

God, these high school students are

lame. I'm a freaking baby and I'm cooler

than they are. What the hell do you know

about high school? Are you kidding?

These kids today are so easy to

manipulate. If you plopped me in the

middle of a high school, I could be the

most popular kid there in a week.

Really? Would you care to place a wager

on that? Absolutely. What are the

stakes? Okay, if I win and you can't do

it, you have to put your nose in Meg's

hat and take an 8-second inhale. Brain

tumor? How is that possible? As a father

in a hospital getting bad news, I am

going to sadly slide down the wall and

take my hat

off. I forgot the hat. Hey, Chris, give

me the juice.

[Music]

Peter, there's there's water and glass

and it's a disaster in here. Well, Lois,

why don't you put down your ginger ale

and red book and get to work, lazy?

You're not helping. Look, don't come

near the house. Go do something else.

Well, well, well. As you can tell by the

Well, well, well, he's the bad guy.

Looks like we got us some new employees.

That's right, Curly. I hired him this

morning. Well, tell him to get out. This

is where I practice my karate cuz I'm a

dick. Sam, can I talk to you? Sure, but

why aren't you looking at me? Well,

that's the thing. Um, I'm no good at

talking to girls. That's why I ran away

from you. Well, you didn't have trouble

talking to me when you thought I was a

boy. Yeah, that's true. Just pretend I'm

a boy. Okay. You want to go down to the

old town bridge and make out? Yes, sir.

[Music]

I can't open it. There's too much water

pushing from the other side. So, we're

stuck. Yeah, unless we can somehow tip

the boat. Maybe we can. What are you

talking about, Michael McDonald? The

tamber in my voice allows me to

communicate with whales. Maybe they can

help. But, Grandpa, I don't even want

the money. See, this is exactly why you

should get it. So refreshing. Well, I I

don't want it either. Good, cuz you're

not getting it. Come on. What are you

doing? Listen, Cat. You take me out of

your will, I'm taking you out of mine,

Peter. That wasn't your will. That was

your birth certificate. Oh,

no. There's no light. There's only fire.

Sir, about your bill. Oh, don't worry,

Cash. There's ample gratuitity on there

for you. Ah, well actually sir, your

card has been declined. Oh, really?

Well, I'm sure a brief call to my

accountant will resolve this to our

mutual satisfaction.

[Music]

Hello, Schnazenstein. This is Peter

Griffin. There seems to be some issue

with our credit. I told Cares you'd set

everything straight. What do you mean

I'm broke? Come on, Stewie. Check your

damn

messages. God, that must be where they

do the deed. I hope it's at least

peaceful and humane.

Oh boy.

And Eli Manning. Oh, I didn't know that

about Eli Manning. Oh yeah, I'm a real

idiot psychopath.

And I'll thank you to quiet down. I'm

playing action figures. Prepare to be

bested on the battlefield, Liono. Oh, I

don't think so, He-Man. Ow. Oh, I'm

sorry. Did I punch you too hard? Yes. I

suppose you don't know your own

strength. I mean, look at your muscles.

Oh, stop it. You're the one with the

sick abs. God, my mouth is watering just

looking at you. Yeah, that's right. You

buy your kids ridiculously homoerotic

dolls and then ask what happened. Yep.

Your gay son is on you, buddy. Explain

that to your god. Principal Shepherd,

what's it going to take to get me into a

college? If Mega has any chance at all,

she's going to need a little extra help.

We'll do anything. Whatever it takes.

Good. Now, you do understand how this

works.

We understand. I guess I'll uh I'll meet

you in the car. He didn't mean you have

to sleep with him. There are a few

options. Well, don't look at me. I lost

my license thanks to you. Look, I I know

what I did was wrong, but you're the

only one I can turn to. So, I'm asking

you as a man with no more

options. Will you take a look in my ass?

All right, drop your pants.

Oh, well, this is nothing. Just a little

swelling. Probably a minor infection.

Looks like there's some blockage. What

the devil is that? Hello. He didn't

realize how lucky he was. Stay on me,

camera one, to have you back in his

life. And now he feels like he's lost

you all over again. But how do I know he

won't just hurt me again? You don't. You

never know that. But isn't taking a risk

better than not having a dad? Yeah, I

guess you're right. You're damn right I

am.

Cut. You know, I don't know where any of

that came from, but I liked it. Dad's

just like silly putty. Look what I can

do to marry Word's smug sense of

self-satisfaction.

That's right, son. Take her down a peg.

Well, I guess we could all adjust to

this. Look, I'm making an angel. See,

Lois, everything's going to be fine.

Now, smile while I write my name in you.

Let go. You want your money? Fine. I

hope you all kill each other.

All right, I know how to settle this.

Whoever wants the money, raise your

hand. You're smarter than I thought.

Give yourselves a round of applause.

Damn. Frank invited me back this

evening. I tell you, I feel more

exhilarated than Peter did when he swam

with the bulls.

[Music]

Uh, Mr. Quagmire, can I use your

toothpaste?

Oh my god. Excuse me. Hey, no problem,

Meg. You probably bought me another 3

minutes. Giggity giggity giggity

giggity.

[Music]

Stop riffing.

Jump, Forest. Jump. Must be a leap year.

Huh?

[Applause]

[Music]

Time to lose some weight, deary. No more

comedy. All right, Cleveland. One thing

that always bonds women is healing an

abused animal. So, I got us an injured

bald eagle. Somebody puts cigarettes out

all over them. Peter, that's a symbol of

our country. This particular eagle is a

dick. Everything out of its mouth is a

taunt. Peter, you're being ridiculous.

And you need to release that eagle out

into what that eagle

say. Lock the door.

Oh my god, he's alive. Just I've got to

get to him. I'll help you, but only if I

can go with you. If I stay here, the

king will execute me for telling you all

this. Well, okay, but how are we going

to get there? We'll hitch a ride on one

of the slave ships tomorrow night after

an allnew shoving

buddies, followed by an allnew slowly

rotating black

man. Hey, you know this old woman who

lived in a shoe? She had so many

children she didn't know what to do. I

got something she could do. Get your

tubes tied, you cook. Hey, how you doing

on that chocolate milk? You need a

little freshen up? This my little

sweetie. Are you ready to go home,

Stewie? You stupid fat bastard. How

could you tell her I had an affair? We

had a deal. Look, I I think you're

blowing this out of proportion, Katic.

She's divorcing me. Besides, I forgot my

wallet. Well, that's okay. I'll just

open up a tab. Wait a minute. What the

hell's a tab? Does that mean I don't got

to pay? Well, not right now, but a

sweet. Hey, while I'm at it, give me all

these copies of Marie Cla, you know, in

case I want to rub out that easy one

before I get Lois in the bed tonight.

Kathleen Turner's on page 45. Kathleen

Turner. Let's see how she looks. Oh,

that's a shame. Oh, here's what I think

of this orange

juice. I can't I can't I can't go right

now with everybody watching, but but I

presume you understand the disrespect I

intended. Oh my god, he's having a

meltdown. You don't suppose this has

anything to do with the sleep

deprivation and narcotics? Oh, Peter,

what have we been thinking? It's us.

We're the ones who turned him into this.

Get this kid out of here. He's fired.

Peter, I'm telling you, get yourself a

secret credit card. You save yourself a

lot of stress. Thanks, Cleveland. Oh,

this is going to make my life so much

better. Like when I used to make fart

balloon animals. All right, who's next?

Can you make me a giraffe? Coming right

up.

[Music]

There you go. Don't pop that. You'll

throw up.

Nice work, Lieutenant. Very festive. Uh,

actually, sir, each of those lights

represents a missile launching by

itself. The pattern is just a

coincidence. Oh, well, now that you

mention it, the Y is a little misshapen.

Still, it's pretty amazing.

[Applause]

Oh, what the hell? Come here, Hillary.

Hey, guys, check it out. Cat legs. Cats

arise, guys. It's working.

[Music]

I'm not

dead. Kitty. Kitty. Come on down. Nice

and easy. That's a good kitty. Hey, how

come you're still setting a place for

Brian? Because when he comes home, I

want him to know he never left our

thoughts. I know you're thinking about

him, too, Peter. Look, Lois, he broke

his promise to me. Besides, we have a

new pet and we love our fluffy kitty.

The year

1752. The man Benjamin Franklin. He

owned two slaves. A detail that is both

important and not important. A simple

gust of wind stands between him and an

electric discovery.

That was my glass eye, but it's still a

tremendous inconvenience. Good morning.

How may I help you? Hello.

Good morning. I'm staying here with my

son, the Guinness record holder for

longest. Hello. We were just wondering

where's your breakfast buffet. Just

through those doors. Thank

[Music]

you. What is it? Nothing. It's

just This job is so cool.

Oh, look who decided to show up. Hey,

Lois, that was some night. You'll be

happy to know I was able to perform on a

4-in thick futon in front of three

roommates. You know, the hotel sent

champagne up for us last night. Oh, why

didn't you send it to me and Jenna?

Well, no sense wasting it.

What the hell are you doing? I'm cutting

it. It's easier to eat. It's not

supposed to be easy to eat. Half of it

is supposed to fall onto your plate when

you squeeze it, and the rest goes onto

your shirt. How's everything going over

here? Terrible. Go away. See, look. Now

I have to be even more ridiculous to

make up for what you guys aren't doing.

Silverware, put them on. Salt shaker,

whatever. Ice from soda, get on that

burger, Peter. People are staring. Yeah,

they're saying, "Look at the creative

guy. Look at King Fuddrucker over

there." Stewie, you've taken this mini

fridge thing too far. I'm moving this

thing out of here. Oh, be careful, Bry.

Not a good idea. You don't want to piss

off Ghee. Yesterday, he crow hopped a

dip tin and knocked a guy out. Oh, wow.

Did he really? Well, now I'm so very

scared of ghee.

All right, that is it. I don't care how

hot you are. I don't much like being

treated this way. You know, I used to

hear that people with Down syndrome were

different than the rest of us. But

you're not. You're not different at all.

You're just a bunch of like everyone

else. I got bad news for you, buddy. You

just blew it. Get out of my house now.

Look, I I'm not insensitive, Lois, but I

I just don't see why we got to cancel

our cruise just cuz the dog's a

cokehead. We're not going on vacation

while Brian's in rehab. We'll just have

to wait till next year. Oh, man. Look,

Peter, I I'll make it up to you. I have

a cousin who works at Club Med. Me mind

on fire. Me soul on fire. Feeling hot,

hot, hot. Very good, Jimmy.

Trying to watch the History Channel

here. Try it

again. Not talking to myself. You're

good enough to tackle a Beethoven

sonata. Let me grab the sheet music.

Keep

[Music]

playing. I got them in. Oh my god.

Jimmy, what happened? Yes. Jimmy, what

happened?

fell. Jesse, is this really happening?

You're going down, old man. I ain't the

one going down. You're going down. No

way. I'm going to pound your ass. You're

seeming kind of cocky, and I hate cocky.

Boo cocky.

Shut up,

Meg. Shut up, Meg. Hey, you're back.

Yay.

Jim, your name is Jim. Close enough,

Peta. Come on, you guys. Let's go home.

[Music]

Is she Is she letting him drive in?

Hello,

son. Dad, fathers and sons have one of

the trickier relationships historically.

We talk about that all the time on the

pod. Hey, you're Joe from Joe's Gold.

Guilty is charged. Your HelloFresh promo

code doesn't work. No, we don't have any

sponsors. I just made that up. And what

do you think about fire?

Anyway, after the lightning strike, I

climbed into your trunk and that's where

I've been living the past week. So,

whenever I heard your voice, that was

just you in the trunk. That's right. Why

would you go to all that trouble? Peter,

I told you I wasn't going to let you be

my first failure. We don't need a key.

I'll just yank on the desk drawer until

it opens. Strength over brains.

Yes, this fat head is already paying

dividends.

Okay,

now listen up. When you hear your name,

I want you to sound off smartly and move

out. Kappo. Yes, sir. Sar. Yes, sir.

Griffin.

Chris Griffith. Yes, sir.

I didn't think this through. Hey, where

are you going? What's the matter with

you? I said put your duffel bag right

there.

Also found in the mayor's residence was

a blackmail note from the victim

threatening to expose the mayor in a

corruption scandal unless the victim was

paid off. You can put a picture of a

note above my shoulder anytime now,

Tony. No, that's the Rose Bowl parade.

That's the pumpkin festival. Okay. Okay.

You think that humiliates me? You I I

don't care. Oscar de la Hoya does it.

Okay. I'm off to the grocery store. So,

what'd you do with the gun? Gun? Yeah.

My father gave me a gun as a present

yesterday. Where was that during

birthday sex? Maybe I would have

finished. Unlike you, guns can actually

fire. I don't think this marriage needs

a gun. Anyway, I hid the gun someplace

safe until I can figure out how to

properly dispose of it. So, don't get

any ideas.

Mr. Griffin, do you have anything to say

in your defense? Your honor, I would

like to call to the stand my surprise

witness, the ghost that never lies. You

better be going somewhere with this, Mr.

Griffin. Thank you, your honor. Ghost

that never lies. Did you witness the

events that took place on that fateful

day? You did? Well, how interesting.

Well, would you kindly point him or them

out for this court?

Don't point at me, you

[Music]

jackass.

[Music]

You saved me. Why? Because I hate you.

Every day I wake up not knowing if

you're going to come out of nowhere and

punch me in the face. So, I didn't save

your life because I like you. I saved it

because because I hate you. I hate you

too, Peter Griffin. All right, that's

it.

We're done. Do you hear me? I quit.

This is my time. Don't ever talk to me

during my time.

Wow, kids. Happy Thanksgiving. I wish

dad was here. Me, could you zip up your

fly? That that's kind of wafting over

here. All right. Looks like we're going

to Russia. Russia? We can't go there.

They're at war with Ukraine. They are?

Wa. Crazy. I say we do it. We're really

going to go to a country at war and we

couldn't go to my business meeting on

Fire Island. What business meeting? I

sell bikini swimsuits for men of size.

You mean a fat guys? No. No. No. No. No.

No. No.

This sucks. Can you believe I'm stuck

with Meg driving me around? Dad, it's

just you and me in the car. Yeah, don't

remind me. It's bad enough I got a

suspended license. I got to ride around

town with stinky MC poop pants. I want

apple juice. Dad, you left your apple

juice at home. I want apple

juice. You're a

jerk. Karen, what the hell was that?

That's his stutter. And whenever he

stutters, he usually pees his pants. I

don't know what the kids are complaining

about. This ain't so bad. I know. This

is fun. I haven't been to a pep rally in

years. Do you have school spirit? Yeah.

Do you have school spirit? Yeah. Who's

got the most school spirit? I do. Show

me your school spirit.

The players will remember this while

they're playing. Chris, why don't you

want to take your shirt off?

cuz I'm fat. Oh, honey. No one thinks

you're fat. I'm sorry, sir. You can't

park your van on the diving board. This

is my son. Oh, my apologies. Hey, Tom.

He's not a van. He's just a fat kid.

Don't listen to him, Crush. I'm going to

go get you a soda. You wait

here. Artisal. What is it? Pretzels? Is

it artezal pretzels? Has that been done?

Does anyone know if artisal pretzels is

a thing? It seems so obvious, yet I

don't think I've ever seen them. I

better do millennial CPR. One, whatever.

Two, whatever. Three, I'm going to let

my parents take care of this.

Dad, Mr. Goldman never drank his insure.

Can I have it even though it's dinner

time? Sure, Chris. Drinking sure as a

meal or in between meals or when you're

on the go. Everyone in the tribe gets a

share of the casino's profits. What did

you just say? I'm sorry, Peter. After

that, I feel so foolish. Casino's

profits. Before that, everyone in the

tribe, not a whole thing. Everyone in

the tribe gets to share with the

casino's profits. That's it. Let's go.

Huh. I guess Peter made it to the

bathroom cuz I can't feel him walking

anymore. I know. F, right?

Oh, and what about those drugstore

glasses? These aren't drugstore glasses.

They came from a doctor to Halloween

costume. All right, we're out of here.

Okay, Stewie's going to the party. Yeah,

but where's Chris going? I have no idea.

He's completely off the grid. Damn it.

He can't hide forever.

Where are you?

[Music]

Well, look at that. Six summers at Lasso

camp. finally paid off. That's where you

learned to use the ropes. No, it was Ted

Lasso camp. That's where I learned to be

nice. Funny. Sometimes comedy is

building people up. I know. I know. It's

hard to change. Well, if we're going to

hide out here in Asian Town, we have to

find a place to live. Yes. And we should

do nothing to draw attention to

ourselves as outsiders. Oh my god, it's

Jackie Chan. Oh my god, it's Jackie

Chan. Oh my god, it's Jackie Chan. Hi

there. Always nice to meet a fan of my

movies. Oh my god, you're Ethan Hawk.

Uh, no I'm not. Sorry, my mistake. Oh my

god, it's Ethan Hawk. Mom, can we go get

some food? Oh my god, it's Malcolm in

middle. I'm not a boy. Yes, you are.

Okay, Charmese, here we go. Are you sure

you want to watch this? I'm just warning

you, you're in the splash zone. If I get

anything out, I'll be happy. Get on with

it. Uh,

okay. Here, let me stroke your hair.

Thank you. I want to do gay things for

you. I I crave your groin. Yes. And I

cannot wait to intertwine our bodies and

make each other's fingers smell

terrible. All right, Brian, you can do

this. You can dump her because once it's

done, never again will you have to

listen to her talk like this.

Oh, hey, Oie. Oh, you look tense. Well,

uh, Jillian, there's something we need

to talk about.

What the hell? It took you 3 hours to

break up with her? Uh, not exactly.

Well, what were you doing in there? Hi,

this is Vin Diesel. Oh, man. Did your

friend kill your other friend? That's

betrayal. That's not strong. Danny Tjo

is strong.

Come on, guys. This is getting

embarrassing.

What did I tell you, Brian? It's a

nightmare in here. Oh my god.

Oh, what happened to that kid? He fell

off a stool trying to turn off Mory

Povich. This is awful. Remember fishing

was my not at all memorable job for 2

years? No. You don't remember my fishing

boat? You don't remember Santos and

Pasqual? Not even a little. They were

like male consuelers. It was a mistake

making them Portuguese, though. People

don't even know what a Portuguese is.

That's what I thought a Portuguese was.

Me and my brain, huh? And we're just

getting started. Good morning, Mr. Book

Pro. So, I'm turning 21 tomorrow and my

parents are throwing me a miserable

spinster party. Care to attend? No

thanks, Miss Patm. Me and my vaudeville

group have a show, but if you maybe want

to stop by. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Say cream cheese. We hadn't realized

that just cheese would work. Good news

about the Yankees. I hate the Yankees.

Pack of cheaters. That's what they are.

I love your tie. I hate this tie. It's

awful. It's gotty. It's got to go. And I

hate myself. I hate you, too. You make

me sick. You fat sack of crap. But I'm

the president. The best there is. But

you just said you hated me. But not you

the president. The you who said you

hated you. You who love hate Yankees.

Cloud. I'll have that fixed for you

tomorrow. Sir. Chris, are you gay? What?

No, I'm not gay. Well, then why didn't

you go out with that girl? Why would I?

I have everything I need in that

department on my computer.

You have 28 windows of porn playing

simultaneously. Sometimes I pretend I'm

at the security desk at the mall and

everyone at the mall is banging each

other. I'm going to that party. Elton,

if you leave me right now, it's a big

deal because this is the time of the

story where that's a big deal. What' you

say? I couldn't hear you over the sound

of snorting. Have fun getting home

without a tripick. Trip dick. Well,

looks like Elton learned how to write.

Peter, I think you may have had one too

many. Maybe it's time to ease off. Huh?

What are you talking about, Lois? Dad's

getting drunk on Thanksgiving is a

holiday tradition. I work hard to put a

cordicopio on this table and you're out

showing your lower ankle to every Tom

and other Tom in our village. Don't talk

to mother in like fashion. That's it.

The belt is coming off.

Excuse me, sir. What's the next stop for

this train?

I hate when they let the infirm ride on

the train. Next stop

station. Sir, you owe an apology to me

and all the good people of

It's nice of the locals to act as their

own train crossings.

[Music]

Let's see. We got soda, purple stuff.

Oh, Sunny D. All right,

we now return to the Smurfs. Hey, you

have you have a good time last night?

Smurftacular. Yeah, I saw you leave with

Smurfett. Oh, man. As soon as we got out

of the bar, she started smurfing me.

Shut the Smurf up. Yeah, right in the

Smurf in parking lot. Smurf. Yeah. Oh,

that is freaking Smurf. You smurf it.

That is freaking Smurf. The language

they're speaking is a language of

subtlety. Something you don't

understand. I love The Money Pit. That

is my answer to that statement. Exactly.

Well, there you go. Whatever. I like

that movie, too.

Thank God you guys are okay. Wow. You

saved our lives, Mr. Swanson. We've

captured the burglars. Oh, thank God.

Unfortunately, they're pressing sexual

harassment charges against your

daughter. That's a nice bag of candy you

got. Oh, thank you. You know, it's

actually a pillow case. They're they're

sort of thrifty around my house, you

know. Well, now it's ours. Uh, well, no,

but how about this? You could have the

apple and the raisins and the cheese and

crackers with a little red stick. I

don't I don't know how that's candy, but

thanks, duck boy.

Oh my god, Pearl. Brian, I don't have

much time. God, I never should have made

you leave the house. This is all my

fault. I only wish we could have a

little more time together. We can.

[Music]

Hey, who wants to see a dead body?

[Music]

Oh my god, I'm so sorry. What's your

name, dude? Me. Griffin. 3:00 Friday. I

will destroy you.

Chris, you have my back, right? I don't

know. Let me check. Yeah. Okay. I'm

going to need it for the fight.

Stewie, I know it was you.

Your potato joke was terrible. I can't

believe you drove my car. You You could

have gotten yourself killed. I'm going

to have to tell Peter and Lois. No. No,

you can't tell them. I'll be in so much

trouble. Stewie, I have to. All right. I

have covered for you plenty of times

before, but not this time. This is very

dangerous, and I have to make sure you

never do it again. I won't. I swear.

Tell those kids if they ever want to see

their parents again, they'll make the

shoes. Do you know who you're dealing

with? My husband is the son of a felon

who went to prison for blackmailing his

brother-in-law by entrapping him with a

prostitute and then mailing a copy of

the tape to his own sister.

[Music]

Hang on, I got another call. Hello,

Lois. I'm at the gym. I hate it here. I

want to come home. Everybody's so mean.

And there's this one guy who follows me

around and calls me fat. Well, I suppose

I Hang on, honey. I'm getting another

call. Hello. Hey, is fat ass home yet?

Put him on. I want to talk to him. This

is I say about it's a clam. I love it.

I was just going to That's exactly Hey,

I remember I remember remember when I

remember when I remember when Quick Time

here passed out in the in the booth this

booth and we did stuff to him that you

do to ladies and we promise we never

tell you

what to

cl your hair looks stupid.

[Music]

All right, I got him. Pull me up,

Peta. We can't do it. You're too heavy.

Keep going. You're almost there.

[Music]

I found a rock. I like Oh, Daddy, I sort

of lost Tatum. You what? I swear it was

an accident. Don't worry, Lois. We'll

split up and look for her. On it.

Damn it, Chris. Now that's going to be

in our Fox promo. Sorry, Dad. Tonight on

Fox, Chris Griffin meets Chris Griffin.

Ah, there it goes. Sorry, Peter. It's

not a good idea to be putting these

flyers all over town. People are going

to think you're crazy. Hey, how'd you

like to lose a bunch of teeth? I'm

sorry, Lois. That was way more than what

was called for, but that's what happens

when you challenge someone's faith. I

don't think anyone's going to want to

worship the FS. Is this the Church of

the F? Yes, it is. I read your flyer.

Finally, a religion that makes sense to

me. Hey everyone, I found him over here.

Hey kids, meet Saggy Naggie. Real nice

lady, huh? No. What can I do for you,

Saggy Naggie? You can stop having fun.

But we like fun, don't we, kids? Yes.

Well, too bad, cuz you're all going to

eat your vegetables, listen to long

stories about my cousins, and help me

fold sheets. And you you're going to

help around the house, take out the

garbage, and give Stewie his bottle. It

was a moving scene today at Hatch Pond

as six members of the Pucket Fire

Department struggled valiantly to save

the life of a fish trapped under the

frozen ice. Rescue workers managed to

get the fish out of the water, but

unfortunately, it died shortly after.

All right, Meg, stay incredibly still.

I'm going to whip that cigarette out of

your mouth and maybe not slice your face

in half. Dad, I don't want to do this.

Stay still.

Okay, that's pretty cool, too. Hey, Dad,

that's a cool whip.

I thought you couldn't understand me.

Oh, yeah. I seen that pudding billboard.

It's the one that says CBS Outdoor

Advertising on it. Yeah. Yeah, but right

above that is like a big guy eating

pudding. I don't remember none of that.

I just remember CBS Outdoor Advertising

on the bottom and three pigeons sitting

on top. You're bad at looking at

billboards. Hey, we should go check it

out right now. Ordinarily, I'd say no,

but that adult kickball league is coming

in for drinks, so let's get out of here.

Okay, Peter, your turn.

Why are you looking at your navigation

chart when we're still at the beginning

of the first build phase? You know what

I like to do when I play games? Ask

people when they were born. Pete, you go

first. Oh, that's an easy question.

19 Yeah.

911. I was born on 911.

Where are you going, Dad? Out. Now that

I'm living as a woman, I can say

whatever I want to men and they can't

hit me.

Oh, hey, Peter. Sully could have made it

to an airport. You shut your mouth. That

man is a hero. Woman. Well, it's

definitely true that I respect the

boundaries of women. Oh, hey, Sher. Uh,

just just get in the fireplace. I'll

I'll spit down the chimney. All right,

come on, everyone. Go get dressed. It's

ballet night.

Lois, don't freaking put me through this

again. Peter, a little culture is good

for this family. Besides, you liked the

Nutcracker, didn't you? No, Lois, I did

not. The Nutcracker had zero physical

comedy. And and with a name like the

Nutcracker, I thought, "Oh, this will be

worth a few yucks." But no, Lois, that

title wrote a check that those queers on

stage refused to cash. Peter, we're

going. There you go, Sheamus. Thanks.

I'll put it right on my shelf.

Hey, thanks so much for coming, Stewie.

Of course. What a night. I mean, most

authors wouldn't have read the whole

book. Yeah, I just felt it from the

crowd, you know. Anyway, it means

everything to have you here. So, thanks

again. Oh, another hand for Brian

Griffin. And if the eight of you could

somehow buy a quarter of a million

dollars worth of books, tomorrow I won't

have to marry a man I've never loved.

Peta, if you're not satisfied, then be

more assertive. Invite Mr. Weed over for

dinner and show him what you have to

offer the company. Yeah, I guess I

could. I just hope it goes okay. We've

had some bad luck with dinner guests.

You remember when Marggo Kidd was here?

Oh, we loved you in the Superman movies.

You were just wonderful.

[Applause]

That was so humiliating. I I mean, look

at all the stuff I put myself through

just to get laid. Well, don't worry, my

friend. One day you'll find your

soulmate. The sad thing is I already did

years ago. Tracy Flanigan. She was the

greatest girl I ever met and I blew it.

Oh, you should look her up. Oh, am I

boring you? No, it's just long day.

Well, I suppose I could look her up. I

just wonder if she'd even want to see

me. I wasn't exactly the nicest guy in

the world.

Brian, there's no more graham crackers.

They're in the cabinet. I don't see

them. They're right in front of you.

Which cabinet are you looking at? Can't

you just come in here? No, I'm busy.

no. Oh no. Brian. Peter, when is Lois's

birthday? Uh, let's see. When is

Hitler's birthday? April 20th. Wow.

Okay. Null. Yikes. Joe, what is Bonnie's

favorite food? Well, she must like

ground glass because I keep finding it

in my food. Cleveland pass. Quagmire.

What color are Kimmy's eyes? Shaved.

Sorry. What? What? What is it? What's

the question?

What's wrong with me? I got to be crazy

to think I can kill that man eating

fish. I mean, what the hell am I doing?

Hey, hey, hey. Come on, Peter. What kind

of talk is that? Yeah, you can do it.

Who's my big brave boy? Huh? Me. Who's

my big brave boy? Me.

Oh boy, this is going to be fun. I

haven't made a crank call in

years. Quiet. Quiet. It's ringing.

Hello. Hello. Is this Linda trip? Yes.

You shouldn't have talked, you stupid

[ __ ] I hope you die.

Boy, that uh that that wasn't really a

crank call. That was That was just

unpleasant. Sorry about that. I don't

like eggnog. Drink the nog, Carter. I

don't I don't want to take it, Carter.

Take all the

nog. No. Yeah, you like that nog. Don't

spit the nog out. Now look at the camera

for a POV shot. Say thank you with a nog

in your mouth. Thank you. Louder. Thank

you. Good. Now go down to the hotel

lobby and check out with no all over

your face. All right. You know, I still

don't like Christmas, but I kind of like

what we just did. Let's go. Keep it

moving. Get to class. Hey, you you

salute that flag when you walk by, kid.

Loads of people fought for that thing,

including yours truly. You were in the

service. I may have misunderstood what

yours truly means. Uh, Big Fat Paulie,

there's something I got to tell you.

Um, you ever stare up at the night sky

and wonder if someone might be looking

back at you? No, but just in case, look

at this, you freaking aliens.

Oh. Uh, hi Barney. This is my friend Big

Fat Paulie. And, uh, this is his big fat

ass. I'm not good with confrontation.

Like when I got stuck behind that

giraffe at the ball game. Yeah, nice

hit. Frozen rope. Awesome. What just

happened? Crown rule double.

I couldn't even see it. Yeah, it was

something. Ducks on a pond. Let's bring

them in. Could you please sit down? I am

sitting down. You sit up. I am sitting

up, but I still can't see a thing. Yeah,

it sounds like a you problem. Let's go,

Socks. I mean, Chris is doing better in

school, and Meg even went on a date with

the announcer from the Super Friends.

Meanwhile, under Me Griffin's bra. Fine.

Fine. I can see I'm not wanted here.

Maybe I'll just find my own place. I

don't need your sympathy. I don't need

anything. You know what? Maybe I'll just

go take up my old job as a construction

worker in New York. Although, I never

did get the cat calling right.

Yeah, baby. I want a piece of that. You

suck. Bunga bunga. No way. This is why

Zillow estimates our house at $4. The

hell is unabunga? Two guys run at each

other with mattresses and um that's kind

of it. Stop explaining it to the dog.

Let's do this. Yeah.

Stop it. I'm trying to watch my program.

Well, Chris, look. Mom's naked. Where?

You creep.

Peter, what's going on? And and you

could pretend to be a cowboy. Okay. Oh,

Lois. Make your voice deeper. Oh, Lois.

Deeper. Oh, Lois. Good. Now, say beef.

It's what's for dinner. I I don't say

it. Beef. Oh, yes. It's what's for

dinner. Oh, yes. Oh, wild west. Wild

West. What? Peter, what the hell are you

wearing? I went a different direction,

cowboy wise. But don't change the

subject. Griffin, get the hell out of my

building. Holy crap, Mr. Punishment,

you're okay. You're damn right I'm okay.

And I'm here to reassume charge of my

company. Maybe I don't want to leave.

Maybe I like being a fat cat. What are

you saying? I'm saying it's my company

now and it's better than it ever was

when you were running it. Security, we

have a situation in the conference room.

I'll give you a situation, you fat turd.

Gentlemen, please remove this man from

the building. What the? into a Hollywood

hospital where I was hooked up to a

17-year-old

Anjenu. And in accordance with Hollywood

law, her life force was infused into me,

bringing me back from the dead.

What happened to the girl? I threw her

out a car window at Norah Efron.

Stop making Jack Nicholson a pansy.

You're thinking of Nancy Meyers. You're

the same thing. Would you like to add

chips and a drink? Here we go again.

[Music]

All right, Ruth. Here we go.

Well, I'm not dead, but I do have a

boner. So, that is something new about

Stewie. What are you looking at? Go push

your buttons. My husband will kick your

ass. Stop saying I'm your husband. Oh,

Brian, I need you to take me to the

hospital. Why? My water just broke. Oh

my god. It's okay. Don't panic. Call the

doula. Brian, you've got to call the

dueler. Dueler? I I don't even know what

that is. It's a divorced woman who knows

about lady pots and cheers you on. Let's

go. Here I go again, filling up our

ears. What's going on here, you two?

You're being very rude. Lois spent all

day over cooking this meal. We

accidentally wore each other's

underwear.

I can't believe you wore each other's

unies. This is hysterical. Shut up. Oh,

it's not even Wednesday. It's Tuesday

night. That's part of it. Hi, Peter. Hi,

Scott.

Guess what? I have a welcome home

surprise for you. Dish, dish, dish.

Remember how you told me your ultimate

fantasy was to have an 11way? Oh my god,

yes I do. And you so did not even. Oh,

but I did. Yoohoo, guys.

[Music]

All right, we'll see you guys Sunday.

Okay, now you heard mom say I'm in

charge. So, I just want to lay a few

ground rules. Well, I promise we're

going to have fun, but there will be a

schedule just to keep everything

running. And I may assign a chore, too,

because it's actually more

fun in Hey, by the way,

I'm going to flush your retainer down

the toilet,

Heather. Oh my god. I'm sorry, Chris.

You You did this. I did. I took your

doll because it's not a natural or

healthy thing for a boy your age to

have. It looks like you stabbed her like

50 times. I was kind of jealous of it.

So, I guess I went a little crazy. Oh my

gosh. Wow. This is so exciting. Excuse

me. It's really you. We recognize you

from your book. Ah, you've read Faster

than the Speed of Love. Be careful with

that thing. It might accidentally change

your life.

I don't know that book. I'm talking

about this one.

Flunky the Dumb White Dog by Griffin

Stewart. All right, almost done here,

Glenn. There we are. All

finished. Look at this. Look what

happened. Well, by the laws of comedy,

you and I have to be roommates now.

That's hilarious, Doc. All right, here

we go. Now, I'm going to prescribe a

course of antibiotics and some

painkillers. And Hey, Elmer.

Hey, she sucks. Peter, I am so wasted.

All I want to do is make cookies. Oh my

god, I have a great idea. Let's make

cookies. We don't have to, Lois. Look,

there's a magical land of desserts right

behind you.

[Music]

[Laughter]

[Music]

I love relaxing here with that dry

ceiling. Huh. Wonder if the weather

called for living room rain. Next up,

Connecticut, your living room forecast.

Dry, dry, dry. That can only mean one

thing. Totally. God, I can't believe you

noticed this stuff, too. Oh, you mean

like how if a pair of her underpants

goes missing, she can't just let it go

and move on. Exactly.

Well, sounds like bonding to me. Looks

like somebody worked some pretty good

mom magic.

Where the hell are all my underpants?

New Brian is such a tool. I mean, he's

he's so damn sweet and saccharine and

perfect and and he's turning the family

into a bunch of douches. Well, big deal.

You always told me I was a douche. Yeah,

but you were my douche, Brian. My

douche. Come back and be my douche

again. Hi. I'm looking for Glenn. Oh,

what happened to your leg?

[Laughter]

Damn it, Brian.

[Music]

Is that your little one there? Oh, no.

It's It's just the way I'm sitting. Ah,

nothing like a day at the park

surrounded by overcompensating divorced

dads. Wow, look how high you're going.

What an amazing day this is. Is mommy

spending $2,500 a month on you? Because

that's what I'm sending mommy. Oh my

god, it's only been 5 minutes and I'm

already bored out of my mind. I love the

time of year. You know, Chris, you and

your stillborn twin, Miss were named

after Christmas. I see the kids put

their gifts under the tree. Brian, I

don't think you've put yours there yet.

Well, as we know, the true spirit of the

holiday is one of giving. So, I've

signed all of us up to volunteer

tomorrow at a homeless shelter. That's

your present. What? Last year, you wrote

us a freaking poem. And now this. I

thought the poem was lovely. Okay. My

great uncle wears a ski hat all the

time. Griffin will be followed by Nick

Nol's handkerchief, followed by Japanese

Abe Lincoln, and then Monkey Rabbi. Hey,

where's the monkey rabbi? Here's your

Torah. You'll be here on Tuesday at

9:00. Check in with Shirley. You're

going to need me this week? Uh, maybe.

Maybe Friday. Uh, now where are the

gays? Over here. No, no, no. The really

cartoony

gays. There you are. We're going to need

you guys all week.

I don't know. I mean, I I think I want

to have kids someday. Oh, I love kids.

Oh, I just love them. I can't get enough

of those little buggers, let me tell

you. You know, it's it's like I tell the

other volunteers down at the adoption

center. Uh my god, you know, if I could

just take all the orphans in the world

and just, you know, buy a farm somewhere

and and let them all run free, you know,

just let them do little macaroni art

pictures of their dead parents. Good

afternoon, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. Get

that enormous thing out of my face. I'll

be your loan, officer, so why don't you

have a seat and tell me about your

business? Our business is cookies. Now,

let me ask you a question. You ever

heard of money? Yes. Good. Good. We're

on the same page. Now sir, let me ask

you something else. Can you name one

successful company that isn't cookie

based? Microsoft. Lisa, get get away

from him. He's a Nazi. I I know Jews is

bad, but Dems is worse. Sit down. Stop

locking the screen, you jerk. I don't

think I don't think you heard me, buddy.

Step away from the young lady.

All right, I am Zaring. You asked for

it.

Ralph. God, I can't believe Mike Pence

came out of the closet just before he

hung himself in prison.

Bonjovi family. Morning, Dad. Are things

going to change now that you're a

godfather? Good question, Chris. And

yes, quite a bit. I'll be touching faces

a lot more than I used to. My boy Lois,

I don't understand why I got to sit

through a chick flick. Peter, you

promised you'd come with me to see

Autumn's piano. Besides, you owe me big

after the way you embarrassed me in

front of Sandra O.

Oh my god, Sandra O. We loved you in

Sideways. Thank you. We see you in many

movies. I think about you while having

sex with my wife. I thank you with $1.

That's a lot of money to them.

[Music]

Peta, isn't this wonderful? The place is

packed. Uh, Lois, uh, aren't you a

little freaked out by this? Why?

Everybody's having a great time.

Besides, think of the money we're

making. I don't care about that. I

wanted a cool restaurant, not the

cafeteria at the Veterans Hospital.

Guys, this is the best dirty bookstore

in town. Family-owned, great hours, and

lots of parking in the rear. Get it?

Wow. You usually expect these places to

be dirty. Nah, it's pretty clean. What

you staring at, Joe? These dolls all

look really surprised for some reason. I

What? You never seen a handicap man

before? They're polyurethane sex toys,

Joe. Well, it's wonderful to meet you.

We've had so many nice things. Yes,

indeed. So, how long have you been a

prostitute? No, Doug. I will not lift up

her shirt. Chris, we have company. So,

you uh you ever been with a woman? Um,

no. Hey, what?

There. Are you happy, Doug? This is

ridiculous. Evil Stewie could be

anywhere. You know, this really is all

your fault. If you hadn't told me I was

going soft, I wouldn't have created evil

Stewie, he wouldn't have escaped, and we

wouldn't be trying to track down a

murderer. For all we know, he could be

killing someone else right now. Oh no.

Oh no. Oh no. Oh

yeah. All

right, come on, guys. She's going to be

here any minute. You got to get out of

here. Why do we have to leave, Dad? Cuz

your daddy's going to have a three-way

with your mother and her friend. Isn't

that nice about daddy's three-way? I had

a one-way one time. That was

amazing. Sorry I farted in the middle.

Hey, what's the matter, Brian? Have you

fallen and can't get up? Turns out still

using that joke is a felony. Guess I

better not drop the soap. That one's the

death penalty.

[Music]

You were very lucky. We managed to pump

your stomach just in time. Oh, thank

God. I just see him walking around with

his hands down his pants all day and

he's just so fat and weird. So, we feel

bad. Yeah. Last year we did the burnt up

kid, so this was a slam dunk. Oh my god.

They just elected him out of pity

because they think he's mentally

challenged. Kind of like we did with

George W. Bush. Huh?

Right. I guess I guess, Brian. I I don't

I don't know. Let's Let's just watch

some commercials. Okay, Bonnie. One,

two, three. Push.

[Music]

My god, I can walk. It's a mirror.

Sorry, Dad. Just get the chair.

Oh my god, Stewie. What are you doing in

the toilet with the lid closed? Ted R

says this is where a piece of crap has

to live. This is terrible. Those robots

are not your friends. Yeah, well, at

least they don't steal from me. Well,

Chris and I sure learned a lot this

week, huh? You think you learned a lot?

I had quite an adventure. You know what,

guys? We only got like 15 seconds left.

We're going to have to do these at the

same time. Let's race and go. So I

learned maybe it's okay to run away but

try not to get carried

from it so much but I am done messing

around with neighbors wives invitation

to Hey let me see that same old man and

the winner is nobody especially not you.

Good night. All right let me just get

into character. I'm a bit distracted. I

wasn't expecting we do this today in

light of the circumstances. What

circumstances? Oh dear god. Didn't you

hear the bomb? The bomb that went off in

Time Square. All those poor people dead.

Oh my god. My cousin works in Times

Square. Well, your cousin is fine

because I was acting. That's impressive.

Risky. Very risky. So, what can I get

for you sexy teens? Um, how's the

vegetarian lasagna? Terrible. Even at

the best restaurants. We'll have five of

those. It just doesn't make sense. Who

would want to kill Meg? Um, can we all

be quiet? We've been asked to nod our

heads while the band plays the song our

parent company is aggressively

marketing. Peter, that's enough. It is

time to get out of What the hell? Oh,

yeah. We put Joe in Stewie's old jolly

jumper. You told me this was a

paratroopers harness. Shut up, baby man.

That's it. This is our home, not some

frat house for you and your friends.

Now, I want you out of this attic now.

No way. We ain't leaving. We're having

too much fun up here. Quagmire just

showed us his Eric McCormack impression.

Peta, isn't there something you'd like

to say to Mr. Washiwashy?

No. Peta. Fine. Mr. Washiwashy, I'm

sorry I was rude at your store. It's

okay. I accept your bad apology. Good.

Now, give me back my shirt. Peter, I

don't have your shirt. You Yes. Have my

shirt. Enough. You all been from my

store. Bing bong. Great, Peter. Nice

going. This dinner was a disaster. Dang

it, Peter. This is work, not a

sleepover. Now, would you please get out

of here? My 10:00 meeting is about to

start. Your meeting? But I thought we

were going to work together. Yeah, well,

I thought I'd tackle this one on my own.

But maybe you can get us some

coffee. Touch

base. Circle back. Put a pin in it. But

that's Monday's problem.

Goat meat. Get your goat meat here.

Cleveland. Are those? Yeah, I have dibs

on whatever silliness Peter loses

interest in. Remember this? To the

Cleveland copter.

[Music]

The mustache obscures my

view. All right, fat guy. Fight rules.

We grab at each other's shirts until

we're out of breath and then a 3minut

break. Got it. Should we just take a

3minut break now? Agreed.

It turned into a pudding break. Wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I didn't

get to lick the lid. All right, Peter,

we're closing in. Get ready to fire.

[Music]

Brian, how'd it go? Well, Lois, I I

think I have a little bit of me work to

do. You know, like most other people, I

used to think therapy was only for

crazies and nut jobs. Isn't that silly?

Hey, Lois. I Hey, Brian. How you doing?

They let you out already? Peter, I was

in a therapy session, not a lunatic

asylum. Hey, hey, calm down. Lots of

crazy people have gone on to lead

normal, successful lives. Do you know

what the big bang theory is? Yeah, the

theory that the universe started with a

massive outward explosion from a

singularity of infinite mass and

infinite density. Check out the big

brain on Brian. Good. Now, take a look.

The universe's cosmic background

radiation, a kind of echo of the Big

Bang, precisely matches the energy

spectrum of my return pad. What does

that mean? It means my return pads

explosion was the big bang.

Holy crap. A hundred bucks. Hey, nice

going, Chris.

Wow, look how proud my dad is. Oh my

god, you're

duck. It was a

trap. And then he went into the kitchen,

slowly opened the refrigerator, and it

was empty. So then the man, weak with

hunger, raced from the refrigerator to

the counter to look for a delivery menu.

But all he could find was one for a

vegan place.

Vegan places aren't real, right? No,

they're not real. Or are they? Ah,

salad.

[Applause]

Nice. Brian, what are you doing? Oh,

jeez. Stewie scare the crap out of me.

What you got there?

Okay, I'll tell you, but you can't tell

anyone. Art, you have to be really cool

about this. Yeah, of course. These are

mushrooms. It's a psychedelic drug.

Makes you see weird things and feel

happy for a few hours. I figure we're

going to be stuck inside for a while

with a storm, so it'll be a fun way to

pass the time.

Okay, coming up, dinner. But first, I

turn my back to a dangerous murderer.

[Music]

Oh, hey Sarge. Your wife called and said

it was urgent. Oh. Uh, okay. Yeah, she

sounded very not happy. You need to call

her back ASAP. Got it. Thanks. Starting

to think I did this guy a favor. You

people at the Industrial Adhesives

Corporation certainly know how to make a

tasty glue. Well then. Whoa. Whoa. What

the hell are you doing? Don't eat that.

For God's sake, don't be such a nerd.

You can let go of my hand now. You can

let go of mine.

[Applause]

[Music]

Oh crap.

Peter, your comic in this morning's

paper is really offensive.

That's not funny, Peter. Ah, you're just

not getting it, Lois. See, his wife

washed dishes for him. Oh, for Pete's

sake.

There you go. I can't believe it. This

is horrible. What am I going to do? Come

on now. Keep that enormous chin up,

Glenn. There's lots you can do. You can

devote your life to Christ or become a

unic. Cleveland, why don't you sit this

one out? Listen, Quagmire, I got just a

way for you to embrace your new life

without a penis. I've had this computer

blocked so you can discover all the

other exciting things on the internet

besides porn. Like what? Well, uh, this,

uh, here, Donna, I got you your 10year

anniversary present. Suntan lotion, but

we live in the Northeast. That's right.

We do. Unless we were moving to

California. He must have got the part.

When he going to meet Avita, not every

play is Evita. Oh, no. I feel terrible.

Why don't you want to go? No, I got you

a parka.

[Applause]

Those two are never on the same page.

All right, Fox News auditions, take one.

And even though this Iraqi veteran lost

his hands, he didn't lose his ability to

feel. I'm Lois Griffin for Fox News.

Great story, Lois. Thanks. I just made

it up. You know, I've been doing this

job a long time, and I think you've got

what it takes. All right, I'll do it.

Great. Here's your contract.

[Music]

Well, we are going to do something about

it. We are going to figure out a way to

induce labor and make Barney have that

baby. Yeah, the sooner that kid comes

out, the sooner we get Joe back. Yeah,

we're not complete without Joe. You

remember when he bailed on us for that

trip to the spa and we had to find

another handicapped guy? God, Sheamus,

I've uh never seen you this naked. Ah,

it's good to let the old midsection

breathe. What? Uh, how the hell are you

alive? Hammock life is the best life,

Chris. Now to drink lemonade with a

southern draw. Chip. Chip. Governor.

Shrimp on the barbie. You sound like

Colonel Sanders.

Damn it. Oh no. The neighbor's sprinkler

ruined whatever this is. Not so fast,

Chris. I don't give up that easy. Good

for you, Dad. Go knock on the neighbor's

door and have a mildly uncomfortable

conversation. I give up.

[Music]

Yeah, we did it.

Oh, what's this? What's this? It says

right here, "We won. We won. You dicks.

You suck." Um, excuse me. Would you mind

keeping it down? We're having my son's

birthday party over here. Yeah, sure,

sure, sure, honey. What's his name?

Mikey. Happy birthday, Mikey. Yeah.

[Music]

Peter, what is it? What's going on out

here? Clear the way. I'm a cop. Oh. Oh

my god. I thought the safety was on. I'm

so sorry. That's okay, son. It's your

right as an American citizen. Oh,

what's that thumping noise? It's your

tail. Stop wagging your tail. I can't

help it. Do

something. Damn it. I meant hold it, not

cut it off. You weren't specific. I've

never done this before. Are you okay,

Brian? Yeah, I'm just so happy to meet

you both.

What the hell are you cauterizing your

tail? Trust me, I'm a nurse.

Okay, so we just need the ending. Who

was the murderer? Oh, I have no idea.

It's a cold case. That's what makes them

cold. No one knows how to solve them.

Well, how do we finish our novel if we

don't know what happened in real life?

Ghost Cup. No. Do you know what this

means? We're going to put on our

Sherlock Holmes hats and solve the

murder ourselves. Dear stalker hats,

Joe. But yes, stupid non brighter.

[Music]

Lois, there's no presents under the

tree. What?

Oh my god. Joe, did you get any

Christmas presents? No. Me neither. I

got eight mediocre things.

Howdy, neighbors. Come on in. Hello. As

Peter and Molly are here, Chris, say hi

to Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. Hi, Mr.

Griffin. How's it going, man? Chris

Stewie. Oh my god.

Me, stop staring at Mr. Griffin. I'm

sorry, Peta. I'm afraid she's got her

father's libido. What can I say? I'm a

vegetarian. It is my hope that you will

agree to be my wife, but the choice is

yours. If you say no, I will have you

flown back to your family on our private

jet. But if you say yes, I will spend

the rest of my days making your every

wish come true. Will you be my wife,

Princess Meg? Oh,

yes. No.

Do we make There they are. Team Peters.

Say, where's your husband? Or as I call

him, my

son-in-law. Snap. Snap. Oh, I'm sure

he'll be along, daddy. Aoy, Mr.

Pewishmid. Peter, what the hell are you

doing in my bathtub? Oh, this is not a

bathtub. This is the SS Pew Schmidt

kicker. This is ridiculous. I won't have

a member of my family racing in a

bathtub. Well, Daddy, you didn't want

Peter in your boat, so team Griffin is

going to give you a run for your money.

[Music]

All right, this is the place. We got to

see if we can find Briggs's girl. Hey,

we're looking for a stripper named

Tanya. Is she here tonight? Yeah, she's

working the champagne room. Follow me.

Hey, Quagmire. You uh you ever been to

Atlantic City before? Once about 20

years ago. Why? All right. All right.

All right. All right. Intergalactic

protonpowered electrical tentacled

advertising droids. Intergalactic

protonpowered electrical tentacled

advertising droids. Intergalactic

protonpowered electrical tentacled

advertising droids. Hi, I'm Darth

Harrington of Darth Harrington's

intergalactic protonpowered electrical

tentacled advertising droids emporium

and moon base due to a garbled subspace

transmission. I am currently overstocked

on all intergalactic protonpowered

electrical tentacle advertising droids

and I am passing the savings on to you.

She said,

"Look, this has gone a little too far. I

I like you. I think you're great, but

what happened at the dance was I mean,

that kiss was just a mistake. I'm going

to grab Stewie and then we can go."

What's that, Brian? Oh, you were just

kidding. I know you were. I love you,

too, Brian. And you love me. So Raul

gave me a job at his pet store, but I

still needed money. One day I was

cleaning a bird cage and a porn producer

came in and well the rest, you know, I

kind of feel like the part that we

should have seen. You know what? Never

mind. It works. Good lord. Am I a porn

baby? No, Stewie. Come on. I I doubt it.

I mean, maybe. Yeah, probably. Yes.

Oh, you made me love

you. I love you. Love you, Lois.

Let me finish the story, fellas. You

don't want to be up all night. Or do

you? Or do you? She's a smoking little

pistol, isn't she? Are you a woman? No.

The kid was an honor student. He just

applied to Sunni Albany. He just got

into Sunni Albany. Oh, this is too much,

Stewie. I can't take it. Oh my god, it's

working. Hey, Vinnie. Bobby Lomaduro's

kid just got out of the hospital. He

beat the cancer. Oh, thank heavens. Big

man in the sky knows what he's doing.

Chris, what are you doing? Call me a

creep, you piece of crap.

Hi, when you go to vote for mayor

tomorrow, please vote for Lois Griffin.

That's right. I work at a deli and I

know bologn. And that's exactly what

you'll get with Mayor Adam West.

[Music]

Shnap.

Hey, what's going

on? Not really sure what I'm supposed to

do with

you. There's some frozen steaks in the

freezer. Bathroom's down the hall to the

right. Uh, if you ever come home and

there's a tie on the door, it means I'm

frogging someone. So, give me at least a

couple

hours. You smoke?

I'm here with rides a 10-speed

everywhere guy. Sir, why are you riding

your 10-speed in the rain? I don't mind.

A little drizzle never hurt anybody. Uh,

I like riding the 10-speed because it's

fun. Uh, it gives me energy, and it's a

great way to stay in shape. How long

have you lived in Khog? Well, I used to

live in the city, but I decided moving

here would be a little more relaxing, a

little more manageable, and it's a great

way to stay in shape. Could you tell me

when you're leaving to go back in time?

I was talking to a robe on the coat rack

for 20 minutes before I realized you

weren't in it. Ah, for God's sake, leave

me alone. I'm working. Don't yell at

your mother. If you yell at your mother,

a hen will lay eggs in your tummy. Oh,

this must be your lovely wife.

Oh. Uh-uh. I've been waiting for this

for years.

I want to be your pinky ring.

Death mates.

My god, what what just happened to me?

It's those sirens. They had us all

completely under their spell like that

hypnotist at the airport Hilton

and three. Oh, wow. Were we just

hypnotized? Oh, that's incredible. I

don't remember a thing. Why do I taste

crutch? I must unlock the secret to

their mind control powers.

We now return to Jag.

Hey everybody. I'm just here to let

y'all know that movie night's been moved

to Joe's place. What? But we always do

it here. Movie night at the Griffin

House is a tradition. Yeah, but Joe just

finished putting in his new home

theater. It's going to be tight, y'all.

You were my boy. We were like family.

Yeah, I know. I messed up bad. I'm

really sorry, Jerome.

We cool, Peter. We cool. But listen,

there is something I got to fess up to.

While I was living with y'all, I had

myself lots of nasty ass sex with me. I

don't care about that. What the hell was

I thinking anyway? I must be some kind

of idiot.

What was that?

[Music]

Holy crap, Lois. It's the treasure. Oh

my god. Pina, you were right. Oh no,

it's the one kid who also followed the

treasure map.

[Music]

Amazing.

Wow, it's William Defoe. That's right.

Since William Defoe has more bones in

his face than most people have in their

entire body, he's perfect for carving

cuz the angles are so sharp. It's

beautiful, Peter. Yeah, I just love

William Defoe. It's not William, it's

William. Yeah, that's what I said.

William. He was in Spider-Man with

Kristen Dunst. Kirsten Dunst, right?

Kirsten Dunce. It's not Dunce, it's Dun.

Hey, Mom. My period started on the

couch.

You wanted to have a family. You wanted

this life. My shoes are on the roof. Get

them.

Come on. Move your arm. Other arm.

Almost done. Move your thumb. Move your

fut.

[Music]

Get down on your hands and knees, fatty.

Yeah. Yes, sir.

Look at me, Griffin. I'm milking me a

cow. Move for me. Louder. Louder.

Louder.

All right, that's it. You want to fight?

You got one. Now you get your hands off

my man before I break them off.

Time to terrorize the terrorists. You

prepared catchphrases for yourself? No,

not necessarily.

Mohamad ought to stayed home. Nobody

knows that guy's name yet. You're using

information that nobody knows.

Houston, we have a solution. Houston's

for space, not everyday air travel.

Hey, I need more cheese puffs, Manny.

Looks like Oprah's off the wagon again.

And skip the toothpick. She'll just hurt

herself. Hey, Bri, did you hear about

Jason? Paramount bought his script. They

bought Death Spares, not the Tiger. 100

grand. Pretty good, huh? Jeez, he's been

in LA how long? Unbelievable. You know,

he actually called the main character

John Everyman. Come on. Well, good for

him.

Mr. Griffin, this is unbelievably

humiliating. Hey. Hey. Lois wants me to

go to the store and the car is low on

gas.

Oh crap. This is truly a sight to

behold. An awesome spectacle. Petina

Griffin, a once great champion of the

Motor Speedway, now a study in

mobishness. The hell I

am. Yeah.

[Music]

It doesn't feel like a Wednesday.

Peter, move. We need the TV. Is this Is

this a coven? No, we're watching the

news now. Get out of the way. We had a

bottle of wine in a joint at Bonnie's

house and we want to watch Dallas

Portland before the buzz wears off. You

chicken heads are out of

control. Tom. Tom. Tucker. Tom. The news

isn't funny. It's not supposed to be

funny. Tom, who are you having dinner

with in there? Was it a guy? Are you

gay? Someone said you were gay. It was

me. Are the rumors I'm making up true?

Ignore me if you're gay.

Hey, Stewie. What are you watching? The

most glorious website of all time. You

too. I only hope the site doesn't run

out of content for me to watch. You

know, you should really be careful on

YouTube, Stewie. You never know what's

going to pop up next. I mean, there's

some wild stuff out there. Okay, boomer.

I'm not a boomer. I'm Gen X. Brian, you

save back issues of Costco magazine. Uh,

it's called the Costco connection, and

it's how I get good deals on cruises.

Yeah, you're not helping yourself here,

Dad. It looks like some girl sent you a

picture of her privates. Oh crap, Lois,

I don't have the phone. Stop sending

pictures. I already sent four more.

Chris, put down the phone. Don't look at

those. Wait a minute. That's both her

hands. Who the hell is taking the

pictures? All right, give me that phone

and get back to work. And before you

judge your mother, you did most of that

damage. Now batting for Boston, Xander

Bogarts.

All right, Dad. I've got my ball ready

in case Xander hits a glove our way.

Okay. Got to talk more sports with you.

[Applause]

Yeah.

What is this? What's happening to me? Oh

my god, Stewie. It's got to be from

wearing that damn brace all the time.

Your neck must have atrophied so much it

can no longer support your head. You've

got to take me to the hospital.

Absolutely. Let me just watch Jennifer's

body and we'll go right there. Brian,

there's no nudity in that movie. Take me

to the hospital. What? So, it's rated R

for curses? God, this country. Peter,

listen. I've found the woman who I'd

like to lose my virginity to. It's

someone who understands me and someone I

feel very close to. Oh, wow. Jesus,

that's great. Hey, is it Carrie

Underwood? Somebody told me you guys

went out once. Yeah, we did, but it was

a disaster. Actually, Peter, I want my

first time to be with Lois. Lois, my

partner at the law firm? No, Peter, it's

your Lois. Lois Griffin. What? And

Stewie's favorite bedtime story is Good

Night Moon. And Meg's real father's name

is Dan Thompson.

I've heard enough. I do believe that

Brian would be a successful parent.

However, if he was to repeat his actions

at the dog track, he would be setting a

bad example for his puppies. Therefore,

I grant Brian custody with the condition

that he be neutered first. Yeah, you did

it, buddy. Oh,

congratulations. Oh, man. What does

neuted mean? Wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait a second. You're telling me I

flew all the way to Kentucky to get some

of your fried chicken and and a colonel

isn't even working today? He ain't

really. He dead. What? I say he dead.

Is Mr. Sanders in? What wrong with you?

I say you he dead.

The

[Music]

Colonel Glen. She'll be back soon. I

can't believe the guy with the ponytail

and the facial tattoo at the front desk

would let this happen. Well, what's

this? We got company. Hold it right

there. Please. Do you think I'm afraid

of you? Boy, if you were ever going to

stand, this would be the time, Joe.

Everybody just shut up. Oh my god.

Peter, you bought the statue of David?

No, no, no. I just rented it. Ain't they

going to be ticked though? The penis

broke off while I was loaded into the

car.

[Music]

I shall call you Eduardo. We now return

to the Terminator. I've been sent here

from the future. I have to have sex with

your housekeeper to save humanity. What?

Bring me your housekeeper. I have to

have sex with the now. I'm the

Terminator. I don't have a housekeeper.

And I think you're just present day

Arnold Schwarzenegger. No, I am a

machine. Every second I'm not having sex

with a housekeeper. Robots are killing

people in the future. Okay, I finished

for the day. You lied to me. You do have

a housekeeper. Let's go make a large

face, boy. Hey, can you teach me to sell

drugs? Hold up. Are you wearing the

wire? No. I need money for sympathetic

reasons, and I have no other option than

crime. I mean, I could sell stuff on

eBay, but shipping. Well, I am pulling a

heist at a meth lab. I suppose I could

use the help. Great. You won't regret

this. When it comes to selling drugs,

you and me will be a better team than

the old lady's eyeballs on Downtown

Abbey. I'm looking way over in this

direction and I'm looking Lois, it's

time. Oh, Peter, I'm going to miss you

so much.

I see a white light. There are others

inside of it. Adam West, Carrie Fischer,

Ricardo Montelborn, Phyllis Diller.

Heaven is filled with every actor who

ever died. No, this is actually just the

ones who did our show right before they

died. Crazy, right?

Hey. Hey. Where's that pinky going? Huh?

Where's he going? What's What's he do?

Get back here. There you go. Yeah. Look

at Quagmire hitting on that skank. You

know he's going to close the deal.

Peter, that skank is your daughter. Oh

my god. You're right. You know, me, I'd

love to see you without your hat on.

Okay, I'm telling you, Brian, nothing

changes. These blue beards still treat

me like scum just cuz I'm not loaded.

Well, I got news for them. I am as

elegant as anyone in this room. Peter,

we have to meet with Aunt Margarit's

lawyer tomorrow. She left us something

in her will. Holy crap. Oh, you sweet

old broad. I love you. Hey.

Oh my god, she's dead. Oh, Peter, I'm so

glad you're finally doing something

positive for your health. What do you

think about this treadmill? Yeah, this

one's good. Let me ask a salesperson for

help. Like a complete beta. Excuse me,

sir. Oh. Oh, you're helping someone

else. I'll be with you in one second.

Yeah. No, no, you're busy. I see. Help

him, then help her, then whoever's after

them. I'll just wait here and feel the

running shirts.

Sir, do you need help? I'm waiting for

Josh.

[Music]

Done. Wow, Dad, that was pretty cool.

Can I try some Red Bull? I'm Can you try

some Red Bull, Chris? I'd take it as an

insult if you didn't. Here you go. Have

some cans. 1 2 3 4 5

1. That's what Woody Woodpecker says.

All right, I'm going to go outside and

milk the cow. Here's one. If you were

gay and you had to have sex with either

John Foresight or Shan Connory, who

would it be? Oh, that's easy. John

Foresight. Yeah, John Foresight. John

Foresight. Absolutely. That's so funny.

I would also say John Forsight. I was

just curious. Yeah, I mean Sean Connory

is just so Uhoh. Oh god, I am so sorry.

It's too late. The damn it. And then I

said something random that suggested a

whole crazy story.

Oh god, that's hilarious. Lois, I could

listen to you talk all night. Yeah, but

we got to get going. Carter's our

babysitter, and if he's with the kids

too long, they start saying racisms. Oh,

I wish the fun didn't have to end. I

always enjoy spending time with you,

too.

[Music]

They want

[Music]

to open as

if he didn't know that every dog had his

date until he seen his.

Hey, listen. Thanks for not laying into

me like everybody else. I don't care

enough about you to lay into you, but

now that you mention it, your face looks

like a used condom. Yeah, I know.

Oh, come on, Brian. Don't do that. Don't

cry. Be a man. I'm not crying. Oh,

Peter. I'm so glad we were able to

discover this new level of intimacy.

I've never felt so connected to you. Me

either. And I never knew your biggest

fantasy was to do it as a cat from a

children's book.

For most of the night, Peter goed on her

flumpus. She crumpled his wanzit. He

boobbled her bump kissus. The bangle

bong lasted till first break of day.

I'll ask these fellas. Maybe they seen

him. Excuse me. Have you seen Oh, hold

on a second. I'm trying. Hold on a sec.

Hey, pal. Stop talking while I'm

talking. All right. You want a sandwich

full of knuckles? Do you? All right,

that's it. Cleveland, you take

Cleveland. Joe, you take Joe. Quagmire,

you take Quagmire. And I'll get Fatty

Mloud mouth.

It's no use, Peter. Thanks for the ride,

Brian. Yeah, and thanks for the lecture

on what real music is, Mr. Griffin.

Jeez, how many Snickers could they eat

in a five-minute car ride? Ah, crap.

Somebody left their gym

bag. God, it would have been real easy

to bring a gun in here. Where the hell

did they go?

Oh my god, it's perfect. Hello. Yeah,

merry Christmas. Uh, listen. Peter, can

you turn down those lights? I'm in bed

with a three, and um, extra light is not

her friend. Oh my god. Stewie doesn't

have a jacket on, but other than that,

he has done it.

Yeah. Oh, you're going to get it. You

like it rough, don't you? Oops. Wrong

room. Sorry. We're excited. My wife just

killed herself. Lois, you're the only

woman for me. He cheated on you. No

daughter of mine is going to marry a

cheater. Daddy's right. Peta, I'm sorry,

but you blew it. I was in love with you

too, but then you cheated on me. You

kissed Daisy Fuentes.

Correction. The next composition is

cars.

[Music]

1877 Cars for Kids. K A R S Cars for

Kids. 1877 Cars for Kids. Donate your

car today.

[Music]

I lost my virginity to this

song. Now, where can I hide an old

banged up car where it'll just blend

right in?

[Applause]

I knew this would work, especially after

that last flight I took. Spirit Airlines

is now boarding group whatever. Just

start punching until you're on an

airplane.

I was all alone on an uncharted island.

What could I do? Definitely not spear a

fish with a handsharpened stick, cuz

remember that was a complete non-starter

for me. If I wanted to make it back to

my Helen, I'd need to find a way to

survive. Luckily, I had a whole plane's

worth of FedEx parcels I could open and

use. Oh, please be food. Please be food.

Oh, thank God. I'm saved. Peanut

brittle from Peter Griffin.

Gotcha. Continue. I'll tell you what my

problem is. I'm doing all the work and

you're just riding my coattails. What

are you talking about? I'm just as big a

part of this group as you are. Oh,

really? You're writing about all your

authentic baby experiences? You asked me

to do this with you. Why are you being

such a dick? Because I lost the baby.

What was that? I don't know. He saw that

in a movie or something.

Good morning class. I'm your substitute

teacher, Brian Griffin. Good morning,

Mr. Griffin.

Please, please call me Brian. Mr.

Griffin is my father. I thought your

father's name was Coco and he was hit by

a milk truck. All right. Our goal here

is to gain a command of the English

language so you can be successful

writers like Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.

Hey, Peter. Good news. Bonnie's out of

town, so I have an extra ticket for

Tuesday night bingo down at the Allenale

Mill. Why the hell would I want to go to

bingo? Oh, it's a blast. There's the

thrill of the game. People bring snacks.

Plus, you'll hear some pretty unfiltered

opinions about those jokers in

Washington. Yeah, that sounds perfectly

terrible. Oh my god, Brian, you're

right. Peter, I'm joking. What did you

say to me? Peter, what are you doing?

Get off my plane. That's not even the

same. What the hell? Not going to talk

to me like that in my bar. Not a bar.

Okay, boys. This is it. Bottom of the

ninth. We just need a bleep, a bloop, a

walk, a buck, another buck, and of

course, a little bingo. Let's go.

That's it, boys. Walk-off home run. Get

out there and tear his clothes off. He

just won for us. Get him.

Yeah. Punch him. Good. Curve him,

Peter. What the hell is this? This Lois

is my new food truck specializing in all

the delicious unhealthy foods that you

won't let me eat cuz you don't let me

eat what I want to eat. And and uh I am

super dizzy and there might be a gas

leak in this thing.

[Music]

A damn it. Yeah. No, no, no, no. You're

not a complete jackass. Yeah. Oh, hey,

nice t-shirt. Fresh. And it And it's

spelled with a ph. Oh, that's fun. Cuz

it's usually spelled with an F. Yeah.

Oh, and you got a little tear in your

pants there. Oh, that's on purpose,

though, isn't it? Uh, you're a bad boy.

You're a bad boy. Society wants your

pants to be intact. But you're just not

going to listen, are you? My god, this

is ridiculous. I'm sorry. I'm going to

have to kill you. Now, God only brings

natural disasters to places that have

too much butt stuff going on.

God, if you stop this rain, I promise

I'll never do butt stuff. God, if you

stop this rain, I'll never do butt stuff

again.

Let it pour. I'm John Wayne at the first

Thanksgiving, pilgrims. Happy

Thanksgiving, pilgrims.

[Laughter]

Oh my. Oh my god, Peter. Yeah, I'll tell

you. And I'm your friend. And I'll be

honest with you, that's funny. That is

funny. And you know what I appreciate

about your joke, Peter? It's clean. It's

clean funny.

Yeah. Well, what' you want? Uh, you

called me, right? Oh, no. No, I wasn't

calling you.

Oh. Oh. Oh, this is funny to you. Yeah.

Listen, uh, uh, mister, we don't want

any trouble here. I don't fly, you know.

I take the subway like everybody else.

Oh, and people don't stare. You make me

puke, [ __ ] Brian, have you ever heard

of Lou Garri's disease? Oh, no. Well,

you have Mickey Mantel's disease. Now,

the most obvious step would simply be to

stop drinking

or well, we do have these pills that may

correct the enzyme imbalance in your

liver. Yeah, that one. Okay, I'll be in

the waiting room barking at the fish in

the tank. Could not. Could too. Could

not.

Ew, gross, man.

You okay? Whoa. Everything's so

significant, dude. You got to try this.

Not even. It's got your germs on it. Not

this end.

Okay, Bryant. The snowbird has nothing

to do with time or fate. Well, I

disagree. Look, there's only one way to

settle this. Only the artist knows the

true meaning of their

art. Now, Miss O'Keeffe, the flowers in

your paintings, what do they represent?

Oh, wow. That's a really good question.

[Music]

Coming up, handsome mustachioed man

recaps news in pleasing baritone. Stay

tuned for this and more. But first,

Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa is on

hand for the opening of Manhattan's

newest luxury hotel. Diane, I'm standing

outside the Park Bington Hotel because

they don't allow Asians inside. Fancy

place. Boy, that'll make some second

honeymoon, huh?

Loretta. Hello, Cleveland. What are you

doing here? Cleveland, I've been doing

some thinking lately about how much I

miss you. I'm sorry for hurting you. I

want us to be together again as a

family, and I promise I'll never betray

you again. I love you, Cleveland. Uh,

I'm no meteorologist, but I'm pretty

sure it's raining [ __ ] Well, that

didn't work. Don't worry, Brian. We've

still got the spring musical.

One man likes to push a plow. The other

likes to chase a cow, but there's no

reason why they can't be

friends. Territory folks should stick

together. Territory folks should all be

pals. Cowboys dance with farmers

daughters. Farmers dance with the

ranchers.

Hello. Hello. Hello. What's all this

then? I can't believe you left dead. I

have needs that he didn't satisfy. And

I'm still a young woman, Peter. 82 is

the new 74. I'm putting my fine ass back

on the market. Boy, this is really going

to upset my evil brother,

Thaddius. This will surely affect my

inheritance.

How was everything? Delicious. The prime

rib was mostly fat. Should I charge it

to your room? No, I had to check out

even though my flight's not until

midnight. Now, how does one with no

money get to the airport?

[Music]

All right. Well, since Brian's not

coming back, I I guess you and I should

try to develop our own comedic patter.

Guess so. Oh, hey, can I get some of

that pie and cool whip? What did you

say? We can't have pie without Cool

Whip. That's not how you're supposed to

say it. You said it weird. Whoa, buddy.

It was just a joke. Somehow this is at

my expense. I know it. That's because

you lack the passion of a true Italian.

Mia,

Peta, stop it. Speak with your heart,

not your mouth.

Damn it, Peta. You mean

Petro? Well, by the laws of Italy, I

must now kiss myself passionately.

Pea, are you all right? Are you kidding?

I'm great bouncing around Italia cuz I'm

a little bald. Maybe if I sit in his

chair, I can get a reading on his

energy. I mean, if he's an Aquarius, a

rebirth would not be unexpected. That's

enough, Stephanie. You know, it's like

when I did Glenn Starch,

did the did the cork hit me?

[Applause]

Brian, it's working. How much longer?

Sorry, I didn't realize it was such a

chore. What about now? Almost. Brian,

keep kissing.

Oh, he got both of us. Oh god, my life

is over. I am the biggest loser I know.

Oh, I know just how you feel, Pumpkin.

I've had my share of disappointments,

too. It's a girl. Can Can you Can you

check again? Yes. Peta, where the hell

have you been? On a magical journey to

Gillette Stadium and Beck. You remember

last night when you called me the lowest

class alcoholic in the world? Well, I

found one rung lower. I'm a party bus

guy now. That's got to be way better

than when I drove a Fiat.

Okay, I'm going to go heat up your

bottles, Stewie. I'll be right back.

Hey, how was your date? It's still

going. I'm pretty close to done with

this. When we parked the car, she did

that thing where she leaned over and

unbuckled me from my car seat. And she

took a little extra time fishing around

for that bottom safety belt. You know

what that means? Please stop.

You seem like a very lonely little boy.

Oh my god, I am. I'm so lonely.

You can see inside my

soul.

[Music]

[Laughter]

God, thank you. Thank you, Barbara. Now,

it won't be perfect. Some of our

representatives may end up being

bastards. But you know what? That's okay

cuz later we're going to have more

elections and we can use those elections

to get rid of the bad guys and replace

them with good guys and then the system

will just keep going on and on just like

that.

So, who's with me?

Will you join me in trying this new

crazy thing?

Lois couldn't find the swearer, nor

could she remove the voice of the

grading Caillou narrator from her head.

Make it stop. Not until you kill them

all, Lois.

Oh crap. It's the lady with the baby who

cussed. Turn off the lights. Shh. Quiet.

Quiet.

Hello. Hello. I know you're in there.

We're closed. Now, I don't want to pat

myself on the back, but I worked all day

getting them just right. Holy crap. Oh

my god. Then that

means And that also means

You know what, Peter? You tried hard and

you still earned that wine.

[Music]

Cinderella, I am your fairy godmother.

Fairy in the magical sense, not about

kissing guys. Oh my god. I want that

[ __ ] Snow White to just admit she had

an abortion. Whoa. Whoa. I was thinking

more like a new dress for the party or a

bunch of chew toys. Your choice. Chew

toys. Take the chew toys. A new dress.

Well, that means I could go to the ball.

Tina, why did you just lie to the guys?

Guys, I got plans with Striker. I don't

want them to embarrass me. I get where

he's coming from. That's why I never

introduce you to my friends. What

friends? Like the guys in my photography

club. Dear Gary, Glitter, Jeffrey Jones,

and Jared from Subway. I feel like I'm

the only one sending pics. I love all

the positive feedback, but maybe you

guys send a pick. Anyway, here's more

pics. We now return to Lady and the

[ __ ] and Michael Vic.

Hello,

family. Does anyone need the remote? Oh

my god, what the hell happened to

Stewie? Yeah. Looks good, doesn't he?

Let's see that lessbo Susie Swanson beat

him up now.

[Music]

Hike. Uh-oh. Look who's on the loose.

I'm going to get you. I'm going to get

you. Oh no. I missed you by total

accident. Yeah, six points, [ __ ] I

could have you arrested for breaking in

here. Carter, you've discovered the holy

grail of modern medicine. Why the hell

would you keep it buried like this? I'll

tell you why. Because there's far more

money to be made in treating a disease

than in curing it. Why cure someone of

cancer in a day if we can treat them for

a lifetime and bill them every step

along the way. What? That's insane.

Brian, it's so cold in here. Look how

big my nips are. They're almost like a

woman's. Oh, look. I'm tugging at them

and they're getting even bigger. I spent

the whole morning trying to teach you

one simple thing. Give me

paw. Paw. Good. Other

paw. No other paw. No, we practice this.

You're gonna make me look bad in front

of the other guys. Other paw.

Finally. You know, this actually reminds

me of a quote by Milton. Shut the up.

And then I got pulled over for speeding.

License and registration, please. Oh, I

lost my wallet, so I kind of don't have

my license. Well, I'm sorry, sir. You

know what that means.

I don't understand why I got to do

dishes at your house just cuz I keep

washing. Seems like more of a restaurant

thing. Keep washing. Oh, shalom Jews.

Wow. Dad, where did you get all that

glistening chest hair? It came with my

Star David. Peter, what is all this?

Look, this is my way of letting you know

that I'm embracing who you are. Oh, and

I don't respond to Peter. From now on, I

want you to use my Hebrew name.

Well, I I caution you. Uh

Guys, guys, stop. Stop. Look at us.

We're shivering each other on

Thanksgiving. Oh, wait. No one shived

Cleveland. But what are we doing? What

are all of us doing? Fighting in here

amongst ourselves while Brooks is out

there waiting for all of us, bagging

groceries, adapting to this new world

seamlessly. Brooks hug himself. Oh my

stars. I I don't get it. You thought

this was going to be the flea circus

from Coraline, didn't you? I'm cursed

with optimism.

Oh, he's got a good eye. That there's a

little Miss Wedgewood set.

This is my handle. This is my spout.

Well, all the parts seem to be in the

right places. I'll take it.

Lois, last night was amazing. It was,

wasn't it? Fat sex is the hottest sex

we've ever had. There were so many

boobs. I don't know whose boobs I was

grabbing. Your boobs or my boobs. I

know. It was amazing. Much better than

that night you pretended your penis was

Danny a yellow. Now come here, my fat

concubine. Hey, I'm not even hungry. I

want you bigger. I want you fatter. It

will please me.

[Music]

Hey Doc, you uh got a minute? What you

want, dog? Uh, yeah. So, uh, hey, uh,

check it out. Uh, Stewie and I have

been, uh, working on some, uh, stuff of

our own, and, uh, we thought there might

be a place for us to sing on the next

album. Hey, uh, cool. You're busy. No

sweat. Boy, Benson was a funny

show. I'll talk to you

later.

[Music]

Here it is, guys. This is where kids

would come every Friday night and see

their teacher wearing jeans. Dad, who's

Christian Slater? Some actors never made

it out of Blockbuster. Chris.

God, I'm really freaking out over this

audition. What if I blow it? Quagmire,

when I agreed to come to this, I didn't

know it would require this level of

emotional support. You Glenn Quagmire.

I'm Carson, the producer of the show.

Peter Griffin. I should be at work.

Okay, let's see what you've got.

Our husbands couldn't have done this.

Yeah, Cleveland can't even light the

damn habachi on the 4th of July. Excuse

me. Do you know where I can find Nigel

Pinchley? I'm from Khog Insurance, and I

have a check for him. $5 million. Yeah,

lucky fella took out a huge policy the

day before the fire. Doesn't that strike

you as a little suspicious? No, not

really. In fact, it seems to happen all

the time.

Damn, Joe. What are you staring at? Pull

him off me.

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

Oh my god, Joe. When did you start

running and jumping and skydancing? He

ain't sky dancing. He fell asleep.

Hey, are you here for the time magazines

with some of the letters cut out? Uh,

no. I No, I saw that you have an

apartment for rent. Okay. Here.

Apartment 23. Oh, okay. I just have one

rule here. No kissing the mailman. I

don't think that's going to be a

problem. You haven't seen him, so don't

say that yet. Mail's here. Wow.

I say, "Constable, I'd like to report

the theft of my tricycle." Oh, look at

the little baby. Aren't you cute?

Where's your mommy? How dare you

condescend to me. I demand justice. I'm

here to turn myself in. I have a

dismembered Baltic hooker bleeding

through the tarp in my trunk. Oh, look

at the little baby. Aren't you cute?

Where's your mommy?

Well, this is just great, Peter.

Everyone in town hates us now. The

cashier at the grocery store told her to

push on and then she snapped her fingers

and now I think she's my new favorite

lady in the world. I don't understand.

I'm not a racist. It's well documented

that my dream freeway is

[Music]

especially saved enough money to go on a

couple's vacation together. We haven't

traveled in years. That's not true. You

made us drive to Toronto to confront

that sex worker I facetime with. Yeah,

that wasn't a vacation. And that was an

ultimatum. And after an insultingly long

pause, I chose you. We're going on a

trip, Peter.

Why are you doing this? What did I do to

you that was so bad? You abandoned me.

You promised we'd be there for each

other forever. Then the minute Peter

Griffin came along, you just got in his

car and left me. I was going to come

back and get you and and then and then

Trump happened and and all that. Liar.

I've wanted to cut your balls off for

years. But the fact that you're choosing

to do it yourself is so much more

satisfying. But I'm not choosing to do

it myself.

What? What just happened?

I'll have what she's having. Okay. She

had six well done hamburger patties

jammed into a hard taco shell. Oh, I

just want to feel like that. Okay. I

mean, I can get it for you, but it's a

weird order. The chef was not happy

about it. Hey, Lois. Let's go outside

and see if we can find some great tits.

Cuz there certainly ain't any in here.

Remember those two we saw last night?

One was bigger than the other. Yeah. And

the bigger one had a hair sticking out

of that pointy thing. What What do you

call that pointy thing again? The beak.

Okay. Come on, Dad. Maybe we can get the

birds to act out the Benson where a

scheduling snafu forces the governor to

decide between meeting the president or

going to Katie's school

play. Scatterbrain governor. Well, I

suppose I could talk to Barington.

Really? Oh, Peter, you don't know what

this means to me. Oh, you know, I was so

desperate there for a while, I even

tried a Jewish club. Ah, you don't want

to get involved with them religious

groups. They believe in all kinds of

weird stuff. If I believe in Jesus hard

enough, I will not die. If I believe in

snake Jesus hard enough, he will die. If

I believe in tree Jesus hard enough,

both of them will die.

Yay. Thank you, tree Jesus. Hey, you

know what we should do? We should put on

some 80s music and then like every few

minutes have them come out of there as a

different sex and we'll

go and then like the fifth or sixth sex

we'll go like this.

This is not a joke, Peter. Okay. They're

cutting off his penis in there. All

right. All right. I mean, this is my dad

we're talking about. Okay. Okay.

What are you going to name it? Hh. What

are you going to name your he father?

Knock it off. You're not going to get

away with this, Mr. Google search. Oh,

but I think that I will. You two know my

secret. I must be sure no one ever finds

out the truth. Well, so what? Are you

going to kill us? Perhaps, Mr. Griffin.

I have not yet decided. Well, you might

want to do something about that first.

What?

[Music]

Hey, stupid deaf guy. Well, I've gotten

the results back. He is deaf. This is

horrible. This must be because of all

that loud blaring music he's been

playing in those nightclubs. What's

going on? Can he fix it in time for me

to DJ at the music festival? No. What?

No.

What? Are you sure? Yes.

What? Have a good life.

That was wonderful. Who said that? Oh,

hey Lois. I'm starving. How about a

sandwich?

Glad to have you back, Peter. Lois, less

taky, more fetchy. I'm just going to

assume that's Chinese for I love you.

Chris, I will not have your comic strip

anger cluttering up my house. It's

negative and it ruins my joy. Get it out

of here. Now you've done it. You've made

me 1930s work whistle angry.

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Family Guy 2025 - Peter Becomes 007 | Family Guy FUNNIEST MOMENTS #52