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Nothing Like the Movies by Lynn Painter | Romantic Comedy Audiobook | Full Story

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This content is a narrative excerpt from a young adult romance novel, detailing the protagonist's complex feelings and past relationship with Wes Bennett, interwoven with her college experiences and career aspirations in the music industry.

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Simon and Schustster Audio presents

Nothing Like the Movies. Written by Lynn

Painter. Read by Charlie Bushnell and

New Year's Eve.

If my 15-year-old self could see me now,

he would punch me in the dick. Set it up.

up. Wes,

Wes,

this place is packed. Dude, I told you,

Adam said, loading a piece of gum into

his mouth and smirking as we walked into

the party. Loud music was booming from a

speaker somewhere, and everyone appeared

to be talking over the sound. I followed

him and Noah up the stairs and into the

living room where it looked like

everyone I knew from high school was in

attendance. [ __ ] People were

everywhere, sitting on couches and

standing around and I instantly

regretted my decision to go out.

Bennett. Alex ran over from the other

side of the room and wrapped her arms

around me, pulling me down into a hug.

Happy New Year, Benadetti, I said,

swallowing hard as I hugged her back.

How are you?" she asked, and I hated the

way she smiled when she pulled away. It

was one of those pitying smiles, like

she was asking how I was handling the

fact that my life had turned to [ __ ]

"Good," I said, torn between being happy

that my friends were back from college,

holy balls, I have a social life again,

and kind of hating being social. Because

as nice as everyone was, I could tell

they all felt sorry for me. Sorry about

my dad. Sorry about the fact I dropped

out of college. Sorry about the fact I

was no longer playing baseball. I was

one hell of a sorry guy. Since no one

Adam got back, I'd said absolutely not

every time they invited me out. But for

some reason, New Year's Eve made me

cave. The fact that it was a holiday had

softened me apparently, which I was now

regretting because nothing felt the

same. The last time I was with these

people, we all had big plans for our futures.

futures.

And well, they still did. I on the other

hand had pivoted. When my dad died 2

weeks after I moved in at UCLA, I came

home for the funeral and never left,

deciding to bail on school and

everything that the future held for me.

As if I had a choice. Now that it had

been a few months since his heart

attack, I was firmly settled into

full-time employment at the grocery

store with a side hustle as an Uber

driver. Life was [ __ ] great.

Come on. Michael's playing money bet in

the kitchen. Noah said, pointing. It's

too loud over here. Money bet. The new

favorite party game was basically just

dares with money attached. Some guys I

worked with at the store made it up, and

when I mentioned it to Adam and Noah,

they went nuts with it. I followed them

into the kitchen, stopping to grab a

drink before sitting down at the table.

It's about time, Bennett, Michael said

from his spot at the other end of the

table, drawling just enough to let me

know he was already buzzed. You've been

a hermit all break. I gritted my teeth

when I heard the first few notes of that

old song from Fearless playing in the

other room. It just figured that the

party would have that song playing in

the background. It was 100% on brand for

my life lately.

I've been busy, I said, picking up my

cup and downing the entire thing. I

wasn't trying to get drunk, but I wasn't

trying not to either. We'd pregamed a

little at Noah's with his brother, so I

had a nice start. "Money bet 5 says

Bennett can't make it from here," Noah

said, pushing an empty can in front of

me and gesturing toward the kitchen

sink. "Except," I said, then hurled the

can in the direction of the sink,

watching it bounce off the counter and

clatter to the ground. You suck, he

replied. And I pulled a $5 bill out of

my pocket and set it in front of him.

Still better than you. Josh just got

here, Noah said, looking down at a text

with my chicken sandwich. Hell yes. I

said, "Money bet chicken sandwich says

you." I trailed off when I saw her. She

was there. Holy [ __ ] Libby was standing

in the living room. I'd managed to avoid

her for the entire two weeks she'd been

home on break, but now we were at the

same party on New Year's Eve. Are you

kidding me, universe? I'd vetoed three

different parties that night. Parties

where I thought she might show up, but I

assumed this one would be safe. I'm not

sure if things got quiet or loud,

blurry, or hyperfocus. But I know the

universe changed as I looked at Liz,

everything melting into impressionistic

streaks of fuzzy background colors. She

was talking to Joss, smiling, and the

emptiness I felt at the side of her, a

gnawing ache, made it hard for me to

breathe. I hadn't seen her in person

since the day of my dad's funeral. We'

done the long distance thing for a few

weeks after that, but then I ended it. I

had no choice. I can't breathe without

you, but I have to. My fingers itched to

touch her, to go to her, to grab her

hand and pour into the kitchen with me

so we could laugh about money bet and

convince someone to do something

ridiculous. But she wasn't mine to touch

anymore. It felt like a thousand

memories of her smiling at me, laughing

with me, tangled up in my arms in my

dorm room, swirled together, and crashed

into my lungs like a 90 mph fastball.

She was wearing a slouchy sweater, black

and soft and oversized, with the front

tucked into her plaid skirt. She looked

nice, all dark tights and cute boots.

But my eyes focused like lasers on the

sun-kissed shoulder the sweater had

exposed and the inky edge of her tattoo

that was peeking out from underneath,

calling to me. Because I knew that

tattoo better than I knew my own.

Probably because I'd never simply looked

at hers. No, I'd explored hers, traced

hers, kissed hers, studied that inked on

latitude like her body was my map, and

those coordinates were my true north.

You're the only thing I know like the

back of my hand.

God damn it. Money bet 3 says you can't

guess the card. I said to Adam, grabbing

the deck from the middle of the kitchen

table and trying to distract myself. I

was pretty sure I couldn't handle the

memories that were sure to kick my ass

if I continued looking at Liz. And

almost worse than the memories were the

questions that never seemed to go away

when I thought about her. Does she still

go to the beach to read? Has she been to

Ara in-n-out since I left? What songs

has she added to her freshman year playlist?

playlist?

And I didn't even let myself consider

whether or not she was seeing someone. I

was better off not knowing. I deleted my

social media accounts after deciding not

to go back to school. Partially because

I knew I'd spend the rest of my life

creeping on her and partially because

what the hell would I post that

mattered? While my friends were sharing

pics from frat parties and studying for

finals, it'd be wicked cool for me to

post a slice of my life as well, right?

Worked a double shift at the grocery

store today and taught myself how to fix

the blower motor on the furnace. Runs

like a dream now. # blessed.

Except, and it's a queen, he said,

smiling like an ass. I turned over the

jack. So, so wrong, son. We want to

play. Joss walked into the kitchen and

sat in the empty chair between Adam and

Noah, dropping a fast food bag onto the

table as Adam tossed $3 at me. I love

you and this sandwich," Noah said,

tearing into the bag so much. I felt

like my entire body was on alert,

buzzing, knowing Liz wouldn't be far

behind Joss. I kept my eyes on the cards

as Adam said, "All right, Joe." Money

bet 5 says you can't say the pledge of

allegiance backward. There was laughter

and heckling when she started, but I

couldn't hear over the roaring in my

ears as I felt Liz take the empty seat

on the other side of Adam. Red hair and

Chanel number five became my atmosphere.

The mix that I breathed into my lungs

and that seeped in through my pores. I

refused to look at her. I can't [ __ ]

do it. But my face burned as I felt her

eyes on me. [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] I started

shuffling the cards as Joss kept going.

I speared. Bennett, she said quietly,

her voice diving into my bloodstream and

pumping to every part of my body. I

inhaled through my nose and had to look.

I mean, I couldn't ignore her. I raised

my eyes from the cards and then

everything inside me stilled as she

smiled at me because it was the same.

Her smile was the same knee weakening

smile that she given me the first time

she said she loved me in the parking lot

of the animal shelter in Ogalala,

Nebraska. Red lips, twinkling green

eyes, pink cheeks. Holy [ __ ] she

doesn't hate me. I swallowed and didn't

know what to do as a million questions

ran through my head. Why didn't she hate

me? She was crying the last time he

spoke for the love of God. She was

supposed to hate me. What the hell am I

supposed to do now? I didn't realize we

were just staring at each other until

Noah said, "For Christ's sakes, kids,

get a room. Money bet 20 says Liz and

Wes won't kiss." Silence hit the kitchen

with an open hand. the awkward slap

echoing as no one quite knew how to

react. Before I could process that and

find a way to make his words disappear,

Liz raised her chin and said, "Except."

If I were standing, I'm pretty sure I

would have stumbled backward from the

force of that tiny little sixletter word

crashing into my chest like an uppercut.

I heard nothing but my own heartbeat,

pounding like a bass drum in my skull as

I looked at her retrograde red mouth,

smiling and daring me to kiss her.

I clenched my teeth as my mind ran wild

because I never wanted anything more

than I wanted to kiss her at that

moment. I wanted to pull her onto my lap

and lose myself in her kiss in the

warmth I hadn't felt since the day she

waved to me from the security line

before flying back to LA. But if I did,

I knew we'd get back together. No way

was I strong enough to let her go again,

even when it was the best thing for her.

And it was the best thing. So, I

swallowed, pushed back my chair, and

stood as I looked down into her emerald

gaze. "That's a hard pass for me," I

said, a little shocked by how unfeilling

my voice sounded when every cell in my

body was drowning in feelings. I left

the kitchen, not interested in the

[ __ ] that Noah yelled as I walked

away, "Why are you such a dick?" or the

verbal takedown Joss was sure to deliver

the next time she saw me. [ __ ] them all,

I thought as I headed out the back door,

needing to get the hell away from there.

But I knew as I sat alone on the deck at

midnight, staring at the orange tip of a

swisher while everyone inside the house

yelled, "Happy New Year!" that I never

forgive myself for what my words had

Chapter 1. A year and a half later.

I hate you so much that it makes me

sick. 10 things I hate about you, Wes.

Wes.

I shut off my alarm, 6:00 a.m., and sat

up in the dark. AJ, my roommate,

muttered, "A sadistic ass bag." and

rolled over in his bed while I climbed

out of mine and got dressed. We'd been

sent to the same Canadian summer

baseball league and stayed with the same

host family. So, even though it was only

the first day of fall classes, it felt

like we'd lived together for years. I

knew he'd sleep in until 5 minutes

before we had to leave for lifting, but

I wanted to be wide awake and ready to

go hard when we hit Aosta in a couple of

hours. I put in my AirPods and cranked

troubles coming as I took off down the

hill, making my way past dorms whose

names I'd yet to learn. I'd run every

morning since moving and there was just

something about campus in the early

hours before it came alive that I loved.

Seeing the sunrise, listening to the

birds between songs, running past the

green trees on the hill that somehow

felt different from the green trees back

home. I was smitten with California. I

was smitten with UCLA to be precise.

And honestly, my smittenhood probably

had more to do with the fact that it was

where my second chance was happening

than the location itself. Yes, it was a

gorgeous setting, but it was the setting

where my dreams were taking place. That

was the sappy [ __ ] that I felt in my

bones as I slowed to let a scooter zip

past me because I was obsessed with the

possibilities of this place. the

baseball potential, both college and

fingers crossed, MLB,

the educational potential, the other

potential, this spot on the map,

Westwood, was like the starting point of

my everything. I kind of wanted to break

into song as I jogged around a dude with

a hose who was washing out a trash can.

I was that big of a sap. Instead, I gave

him a chin nod and kept running. Good

morning, my dude. AJ might have thought

I was out of my mind for running so

early every day, but he was just a baby.

An 18-year-old who barely had time to

shed the title of prom king before

reporting to school. I, on the other

hand, was a 20-year-old freshman with a

lot to prove. Because 2 years ago, I'd

had everything. Then I lost it all. So

now that I had a second chance to grab

on to that everything, you could bet

your ass I wasn't casually reaching. No,

sir. I was greedily grabbing with both

hands and never letting go. I was

carpedming the crap out of my life,

throwing myself into every single moment

because I knew firsthand how fleeting

those moments could be. I mean, if I was

being honest, I was absurdly giddy about

my first day of school. Like, I didn't

want to spew [ __ ] like today's the

first day of the rest of my life. That

was tragically close to live, laugh,

love, right? But it kind of felt like it

was. And I was so ready. I ran my

three-mile loop, showered, then grabbed

a breakfast burrito with AJ at Acrian

before we took scooters over to Aosta. I

[ __ ] loved the scooters. Since I

hadn't brought a car to college and

didn't own a bike, the bird scooters

that could be found all over campus were

the stuff of my dreams. West Plus

scooters equals HA.

God, I really am an overexited

kindergartener on my first day of

school, aren't I? I was still nerding

out when I got to my first class.

Lifting had done nothing to hack my

buzz. Welcome to civil engineering and

infrastructure. I entered the lecture

hall the second the professor started

speaking, which meant that all

hundredish students in the enormous

classroom turned their eyes away from

him to witness my entrance. Way to go,

[ __ ] I'd completely underestimated

the amount of time it took to get from

Aosta to Bolter Hall. So, my decision to

grab a protein smoothie with AJ after

lifting had been a total mistake. But

I'd been so stoked after being the top

baseball lifter of the day, hell yes,

that it seemed like a brilliant idea at

the time. Why not hang out for a few

extra minutes doing nothing but reveling

in the fact that so far on day one, I'd

yet to screw up. I quickly took an empty

seat in the front, unzipping my backpack

and pulling out a notebook. I was not a

laptop guy when it came to note-taking.

It was an intro course, the introductory

course for civil and environmental

engineering majors. So, the last thing I

needed was to miss any important information.

information.

Instead of going over the syllabus with

you, such a cliche thing to do on the

first day, I'm going to trust that you

are capable of reading it. You look like

a smart bunch. Professor Chargerie, a

tall man with a serious mustache, stood

at the table in front of the hall and

said, "So, let's get started, shall we?"

I pressed on the eraser of my mechanical

pencil, opened the notebook and got

ready to take notes. In this class, we

will be looking at the role of civil

engineers in infrastructure development

and preservation. I started writing as

he launched into the material, still

blown away by the fact that I was taking

an engineering course on the first day

of my first quarter. I'd assumed gen eds

would fill my freshman year, bogging me

down with pointless classes like world

music and anthropology. So, it felt

amazing that I was enrolled in this, as

well as chem and calc. I'd missed math

and science in the two years I'd been

out of school, as crazy as it sounded. I

blamed Mrs. Okun, my 10th grade physics

teacher. She talked me into attending an

engineering camp in Missouri the summer

after my sophomore year. during the two

weeks between summer and fall ball. And

I really hadn't known what to expect.

I'd really only gone because it was a

two-eek getaway from boring Nebraska,

right? I never would have imagined how

much I'd love being around other people

who liked math and science in the same

way that I did. Before camp, I'd been a

good student with no clue what I wanted

to do with my life, aside from being a

major league pitcher, of course. But the

minute I had arrived, it felt like I'd

found my spot. I understood the way

everything worked in that place with

those people. It all made sense. That

camp lit something inside me and made me

feel like I was meant to follow the

engineering path, even though baseball

was my higher priority. So, the fact

that I was finally here in a lecture

hall on my way to making it happen, it

felt huge. I basically wrote down

Chudriy's every word until class ended,

knowing I wouldn't need the majority of

the info, but not really caring. I took

college for granted the first time. The

idea that of course I could go if I

wanted to. But after seeing those

options disappear, I had an entirely

different outlook now. I was cherishing

every [ __ ] piece of it. Bring on the

notes, the study sessions, and the term

papers. I wanted it all. After that, I

went to chem followed by lunch and a

quick nap. I needed rest before

practice. A little quiet time to get my

head right. Because as great as it was

that I killed it at lifting, that didn't

mean dick if I couldn't throw. "You sure

you don't want to hoop?" AJ yelled from

the living room as he and some of the

guys got ready to go shoot for an hour

at the hitch courts. I loved pickup

games, but I needed to save every bit of

my energy for the first practice of my

collegiate career. Nah, I'm good," I

yelled back, setting a timer on my phone

and closing my eyes. But sleep was

elusive because now that I'd made it

here and had officially begun my

educational and athletic career at UCLA,

the time had finally come. It was time

>> Chapter 2.

Before you came into my life, I was

capable of making all kinds of

decisions. Now I can't. I'm addicted. I

have to know what you think. What do you think?

think?

2 weeks notice. Liz.

Liz.

Oh my god. Is that

It was 7:00 and the sun was barely up,

so most of Westwood was still asleep.

But not me. I was out for a run and so

was that guy, Mr. I'm trying to break a

land speed record with the long legs. He

was way in front of me, an

extraordinarily tall dude who was

probably a freshman basketball player,

and I narrowed my eyes.

No, I definitely do not know that giant.

Ever since New York played in my

AirPods, an underrated hairy song and

also in my opinion a total slice of

autumn. Even though it was warm in LA,

my head was already stars holo vibing

because the fall quarter had officially

arrived, which meant my playlists were

buried in musical piles of freshly rad

leaves. Yes, it's a little too early for

a PSL playlist, but I don't care because

the first day of classes felt magical.

It was almost like you could smell the

crisp, unmarred freshness of a new term.

It seemed like anything in the world was

possible, especially this year. After 2

years of applying for meaningless

industry jobs that did nothing to

further my future career except teach me

the easiest way to transport coffee from

store to office, I had an internship.

And not just any internship. It was with

Lilith Grossman.

I realized when I waved to the

groundskeeper who was hosing down the

sidewalk that I was smiling like a

weirdo, but I couldn't help it because I

actually landed a gig for my junior year

that had the potential to pay huge

dividends in my career. And it started

today. Last year, one of my roommates,

Clark, worked for the athletic

department's video production team. I

didn't know anything about most sports,

but he told me they had a part-time paid

opening. So, I thought, "What the hell?"

I applied because I needed money. It

wasn't an internship. It was just a

part-time student job. A job that I fell

in love with. I was just a grunt who

took photos and videos of athletes at

practice, during games, during lifting.

That was my job. I basically just did

whatever they needed me to do. Hauling

equipment to all varieties of athletic

events. At first, I sucked at all of it.

And then I sucked less

because it scratched my creative itch.

Just like music had the power to

transform a moment in film. I realized

that the way I captured an athlete with

my camera had the power to create a

story. Even though I was just a lackey

in the department, I personally got a

lot out of it. So, when the announcement

came that Lilith Grossman, award-winning

documentary producer, was going to be

making a sports documentary at UCLA and

needed an intern, I applied in a

heartbeat, mostly because she worked for

Heft Entertainment.

Not only was she an accomplished video

producer in the sports world, but she

was a producer who had countless

projects with my dream company. Heftaft

Entertainment consisted of Hefta Motion

Pictures and Hefta Television as well as

Hefta Music. Both sides of the company

were huge and worked with the biggest

names in music and film. If they were

winning an Oscar or a Grammy, they were

probably with Heft. So obviously as

someone who wanted to be a music

supervisor for film and television,

getting an internship there was huge. A

lot of my heroes had gotten their starts

there, and now I was going to be one of

them. I still couldn't believe it.

Technically, the internship started

today, but Lilith and I had been working

together for a few weeks now. She'd

reached out to see if I'd be interested

in helping her get things set up on

campus. She'd have an office at Morgan.

The JD Morgan Center was where the staff

and admin for all athletic teams had

their offices for the duration of the

project. And since I had stayed in LA

over the summer when most of my friends

had not, I jumped at the chance, and it

had been the best decision.

I hadn't known what to expect from a

successful producer. I'd kind of assumed

she'd be an [ __ ] to be honest. But

she was the opposite.

She was this incredibly successful woman

who seemed to want to share with me

everything that she knew. She took me to

lunch at a sushi place at the Grove and

she asked me about my goals. And when I

told her, she pulled a pen out of her

handbag and started mapping on a napkin

how best she thought I could achieve

them. And her insight was everything

because my plan had been to get my BA in

music industry with a music supervision

concentration and then pray for a job

somewhere in music supervision. But

Lilith turned me on to the idea of

getting a job in music licensing as a

first step. In licensing, you'll work

with music, but you'll also work with

film and TV. You'll be earning a salary,

very important, that whole money thing.

while creating those valuable

relationships that will ultimately be

the key to getting the job you really want.

want.

Then she went on to list a handful of my

idols who'd apparently gotten their

starts in licensing, and it made so much

sense. Music supervisors worked with

licensing on a daily basis, so how

better to get my foot in the door. Now,

in addition to the courses required for

my degree, I was loading up on

everything licensing related and tacking

on a licensing certification.

It truly felt like a road map to my dreams.

dreams.

I'm smiling again, I realized as I

stopped at the corner to wait on the

light. I was smiling like a damn fool,

jogging in place. But it was impossible

not to because this year was about to be everything.

everything.

Honestly, I was still beaming like a

middle schooler in love when I walked

into my first class.

Are you kidding me right now, Bam?

I grinned even bigger as I headed for

the front of Horus's classroom. What?

What? Horus Hanks, music professor and

my all-time favorite teacher, gestured

in my direction. It's the first day of

class and you don't even bring a

notebook, a backpack, a pencil. I'm

insulted by your lack of school supplies.

supplies.

Come on, [ __ ] I said, sitting down at

the same desk I'd frequented for all

four of his classes I'd previously

taken. You and I both know that you

don't just teach, you perform. I've

learned that the best way to capture

your um brilliance is to record your

class and just rewatch before exams.

I don't hate the sound of that, he said,

scratching his bald head. But my

feelings are still bruised by the disrespect.

disrespect.

"My apologies," I said, pulling out my

phone to make sure it was silenced.

Horus lost his mind when a phone went off.

off.

I hit record when class psychology and

music management began, and the man did

not disappoint. He'd always reminded me

of that drama teacher on Victorious,

which was probably why I liked him so

much, teaching in a wildly unorthodox

manner that was equal parts hilarious

and embarrassing.

One time he'd sung an entire lecture in falsetto.

falsetto.

His methods were bonkers, but somehow

they worked. I always learned so much

from him. My next class was in the same

building, though less entertaining and

more boring. And after that, I headed to

Morgan for my first official internship

meeting. I was nervous, even though

Lilith had been super nice the times

we'd met because she was so amazing that

I didn't want her to see how amazing I wasn't.

wasn't.

I approached her office where I could

see her working at her computer and I

knocked on the open door.

Knock-k knockock. She looked up and

smiled. Come in and sit, Liz. God, the

woman was cool. She had a blonde bob

with razor sharp ends so crisp it looked

like she'd just left the salon. She was

wearing a navy blazer over a white

button-down shirt with the collar

flipped up, ripped jeans, and a pair of

tall red pumps. She had that pulled

together LA look about her like she was

ready to do a photo shoot for Vogue

called Business Casual Chic.

I took a seat in one of her guest chairs

and said, "So, how's it going?"

It was impossible for me not to small

talk when I was nervous.

Great. Actually, she said, giving me a

warm smile. I had a meeting this morning

with the AD and we have a lot of

exciting ideas for this project.

That's fantastic, I said. So excited to

be part of this. Any you can share?

Well, I'll share everything with you

because we're a team. But I want to wait

until they give me the stamp of

approval. I don't want to get your hopes

up for what I think is a brilliant plan

if it doesn't happen. That's fair.

So, here's your first internship

assignment," she said, crossing her arms

and leaning back in her chair. "First of

all, email me your class schedule and

your work schedule so I know when you're

available for networking, but include

which courses you're taking and who your

instructors are." Okay, I said cooly

like I wasn't freaking out that she was

talking about networking.

Your coursework is priority because you

need that degree, but I really think we

need to make the most out of this

internship from a career standpoint,

don't you?

I couldn't be cool when she said things

like that. I mean, Lilith Grossman

saying that to me? Yeah, I couldn't hold

back the thousand watt nerd grin as I nodded.

nodded.

Because Lilith had all the connections I

could ever dream about. My voice was a

little too excited when I nodded and

agreed. Absolutely I do. If you're

willing to devote the time, I say we

lean hard into creating some

foundational business relationships. I'm

definitely willing, I said, regretting

the tiny squeal in my voice.

Perfect. And the second part of your

assignment, she said, glancing at her

watch before abruptly standing and

pushing her chair behind her with the

backs of her knees, is to watch a season

of HBO Hard Knocks. Any season really. I

nodded. Okay. She grabbed a set of keys

from the corner of the desk and put her

phone in her jacket pocket. I have to

head out, but send me the info and watch

a season of the show. I'll be in touch

in the next couple days, hopefully with

all the initial project information.

Sounds great. I very nearly skipped to

Epicuria at Acriman for food after that,

buzzing in anticipation of everything

that was about to happen in my life. It

felt like the sun was shining brighter

that day. The birds were chirping

louder, and I wanted to do cartwheels

across campus after I ordered food and

took it back to the production office. I

felt like I was on the precipice of

everything finally happening and it was

impossible not to hum along to the you

could start a cult, my favorite song at

the moment that was playing in my headphones.

headphones.

When I got to my cubicle upstairs and on

the other side of the building from

Lilith's office, I wolfed down a salad

at my desk and edited some of the

footage I'd taken of the football

players on movein day for a real I was

making. I was still doing the grunt work

job for the athletic department, so that

tiny cube kind of felt like home. "Hey,"

Clark said, dropping his stuff onto his

desk. "I thought you were going to do

the baseball team left this morning." "I

traded with Cody because I had an early

class," I said, not looking up from my

computer. "So now I'm doing their

practice this afternoon."

A lot of new freshmen, he said, and I

heard the tone of his laptop turning on.

"Am I old if I say they all look like

little babies?" "They do, though," I

agreed, thinking back to my freshman

year. "It was all a blur now, thank

God." A fuzzy haze of stress and sad

songs on repeat.

It's bizarre that we were that wideeyed

and adorable just two short years ago.

You can spot him a mile away, too. He

agreed, his keyboard clicking.

It's even in the way they walk to class.

Something about their steps screams,

"This is my first time. It's like they

clench their nervous asses and it gives

them a weird gate." "Do you know if

there's any more ranch in the fridge?" I

asked, taking a drink of water to wash

down my very dry lettuce.

It's all expired.

Damn it. We need to go grocery shopping

for the work fridge because I also

noticed there's no ketchup or horseradish.

horseradish.

I minimized my file to find another image.

image.

Who needs horseradish at work? Who

doesn't? Clark sounded dead serious.

Horseradish is good on everything.

Says you.

We worked like that side by side for a

couple of hours. Barely speaking.

It was always that way with us. Clark

was like my platonic soulmate. I was as

comfortable with him as I was with

myself. And sometimes it felt like we

were just extensions of each other.

Well, except for the horseradish

adoration. That was all him.

Finally, at 3:00, he towered over my

cube and said, "Should we head over to Jackie?"

Jackie?"

Jackie Robinson Stadium was where the

baseball team did their thing. I nodded

and saved my work. So, what do they want

exactly? Just some general baseball

preseason content, he said, shrugging

before raising his hands to adjust his hair.

hair.

Lifting, practicing. A couple reels

showing this year's team. Cool, I said,

closing my laptop and sliding it into

its bag. That should be easy. Yep, no

big deal at all. We headed toward his

truck, nearly getting mowed down by a

couple of bros on scooters while we

walked toward the parking lot. I smiled

in spite of the near miss, though,

because nothing said school was back in

session, like nearly getting run over by

>> Chapter 3.

The moment I saw you downstairs, I knew

my favorite wife. Wes,

Wes,

"You think you can get tickets?" AJ

murmured, stretching his elbow over his

head. He was wearing those stupid

sunglasses that he bought for five bucks

in Canada. But I wasn't judging because

the sun was shining directly into my

shadeless eyes. "For once, I was jealous

of his god-awful style." "Probably,"

Mick answered, leaning into a

hipstretch. But I need to know how many

to ask for. You're in, right, Bennett?

The team was warming up, running through

stretches, but AJ was doing double duty,

trying to get us tickets to an epic

party that was happening Friday night.

Since I didn't know anyone at UCLA yet,

aside from the guys on the field beside

me, I figured I'd just follow along and

see what transpired. "Sure," I replied

as I stretched my hamstring. Partying

wasn't a priority for me, but I wasn't

opposed to being social either.

After the hitters split off for base

running and we, the pitchers, started

working the bands, I heard my name,

Bennett, you're up. I glanced toward the

bullpin and Ross was looking over at me.

He was the pitching coach, but none of

us actually called him coach. He was

just Ross. I jogged over, ready to

throw, even as my stomach had

reservations. "Fucking breathe and calm

down," I told myself. I'd played

baseball for basically my entire life,

so I needed to chill with the nervous

butterflies. It was only practice,

right? To me, it felt like a hell of a

lot more than that. After not being able

to practice for two entire seasons, it

felt huge that I was there, that these

opportunities suddenly existed for me

again after they'd all disappeared. I

saw Woody, bullpen catcher, getting

ready, but when I reached Ross, he

leaned his back against the fence and

casually said, "So, tell me about your

first day." I wasn't sure what he was

looking for when he said it like we were

just two random dudes chatting. I

glanced toward Woody before replying.

"Um, well, come on," Ross said, shaking

his head with a half smile on his face.

The guy had always reminded me of a

young Kevin Cosner, circa Bull Durham,

because he was not your typical coach.

He never yelled and he wasn't intense.

He didn't even seem like an athlete, to

be honest. He was just cool, like he was

simply a decent human who knew a lot

about baseball. He said, "Don't come up

with a [ __ ] answer for the coach.

You and I both know this first day of

school is more than that to you. And I'm

curious how it's gone so far. What do

you think of your classes? Ross was the

one I called when I quit the team 2

years ago, and he was the one I called

when I wanted to come back. He was also

the one who said thanks, but no thanks

the first 10 times I begged. Two seasons

off is just too much, kid. They're

great, I said, meaning it. I mean,

definitely not easy, but at least they

seem interesting. Good, he said, turning

his head to spit. Everything else going

okay for you? I'm sure it's a little

weird after everything. Talk about understatements.

understatements.

Yeah, it's very weird, but in a good

way. Had fat cells yet? Not yet. Well,

don't, he replied, giving me a smirk.

That stuff will clog your arteries and

give you a jiggly ass. Stick to brewing

meal plan [ __ ] I am. I'd heard a lot

about fat cells, but I was too

hyperfocused on performance right now to

put a lot of garbage in my body. I said,

"Everything here is too expensive

anyway, right? [ __ ] LA, man." He gave

his head a shake, straightened, and

said, "You ready to throw a few?" I

followed him and threw bullpens, which

felt amazing. There was nothing in the

world like throwing a fastball when it

hit exactly where it was supposed to.

And all those ridiculous butterflies

disappeared the second my first pitch

smacked into Woody's glove. I was on a

roll. Hell yes. Until I noticed there

was a giant blonde dude filming me. What

the hell? Ignore him, Ross said,

apparently reading my face. They've got

crews filming all the time for social

media. You'll get used to it. Ah, I

said, feeling a twinge of apprehension

in my gut. I was working my ass off to

be chill and not focus on the fact that

how well I performed in preeason could

basically determine my entire baseball

future. So, the last thing I needed was

to have strangers with cameras adding

pressure. It's just Clark, what he

yelled, grinning in the direction of the

Giant. Nobody cares what that [ __ ]

thinks. Oh, your mom cares, the guy.

Clark apparently replied with a laugh,

though he didn't lower the camera to

stop filming me. And she told me to tell

you hi. Tell her hi back, what he said,

pulling his face masks back down. And

ask her if she can get me tickets to

your party. She's pretty exhausted, but

I will, Clark said, which even made me

laugh. Now shut the hell up so this guy

can throw. Thanks, I said, taking a deep

breath. No problem. Clark moved over and

lowered himself to his knees. Trust me,

Chapter 4.

Never let the fear of striking out keep

you from playing the game. A Cinderella story.

story. Liz

Liz Boxy.

Boxy.

I turned and Jimmy Rockford was waving

me over to the dugout with his enormous

arms. He was a senior catcher coming off

of a torn ACL and the guy was built like

a gorilla. A ginger gorilla with a

braided beard. He was a lot to look at,

but that was part of his charm.

Yeah? I asked, pausing my playlist as I

pointed toward the field where it looked

like the outfielders were getting in

their fly ball reps.

I need to get shots, so I can't chat

right now. Any extra tickets for Friday?

My brother wants to come.

As if. His twin brother, Johnny, played

rugby with Clark and was a walking

stereotype. He was huge and rough and

wild, and when he drank, he was prone to

fighting and general destruction. I

liked Johnny, but I wasn't about to

invite him to a party at our adorable

new off-campus apartment.

Sorry, I said as I walked in the other

direction, grateful my roommates and I

had all agreed upon a strict adherence

to the party rule. The three of them

were wildly social. I was less so, and

it just made sense to use tickets to

ensure our parties didn't get too big.

I'm all out. Check with Clark, though.

Clark was over by the bullpen getting

footage of the pictures. I could see the

back of his head. Not tough when he was

6'7 with a blonde man bun. So I unzipped

my camera bag while I approached and

pulled out everything I'd need. "Right

on time," he said to me as he filmed

someone throwing somehow knowing I was

there without looking up. "Heads up,

Johnny Rockford is looking for a

ticket." Clark muttered, "I already told

that [ __ ] no."

10 bucks says he shows up anyway. I set

down my bag, adjusted the camera

settings, then raised it to take shots

of the guy Clark was filming. Clark and

I had gotten good at being invisible.

And since most of the athletes were used

to being filmed, no one even noticed us

there. I looked through the lens at the

tall pitcher as he let loose with a fast

ball. And wow, that was some impressive speed.

speed.

At a glance, he didn't look familiar, so

he was probably a freshman.

Although, technically, I was behind him

and couldn't see his face at all. So, I

guess I meant that his backside didn't

look familiar.

No, his backside just looked like a very

nice baseball backside.

God bless the woman who designed

baseball pants. And yes, it had to be a woman.

woman.

Crap. Do you have a spare battery? I

asked, irritated that I forgot to charge

the camera while I'd been in the office.

The little icon in the corner was

blinking, which meant I was down to only

a couple of minutes.

"My bag," he said, still taking video.

"In the back of the truck." "Okay," I

said, annoyed I'd overlooked the

obvious. "Charge the freaking battery, dumbass.

dumbass.

I guess I'm going back to the truck

then. If you see they've started BP,

would you mind getting some shots? Clark

finally lowered his camera and looked at

me. I have a feeling that's going to be

better content than bands and bullpens.

Sure. I ran back to the truck and after

changing the battery, I spent the next

hour getting shots of batting practice.

It was fun to see a lot of the players

from last year. Mick and Wade were my

favorites and to watch the new guys.

UCLA had the number one recruiting class

in the country, which didn't necessarily

guarantee a good season, but it made

their preseason feel like more than just

training. It felt like a prologue.

I zoomed in on Wade as he did tea

drills, snapping shot after shot of the

seriousness on his never serious face.

God, it's great to be back.

I never would have imagined I could fall

in love with sports, but so help me God,

this job had made it happen. Because in

addition to learning the ropes by doing

things like labeling footage and holding

the film crews stuff, the craziest thing

that had come out of my low-level

production job, I had discovered that in

addition to music, I loved the process

of taking flat footage of athletes in

their habitat and tweaking it into a

compelling story about the human experience.

experience.

Want to go to Ministry of Coffee when

we're done? I lowered the camera and

Clark was standing there, his equipment

all packed up. He said, "I'm bringing

coffee for like half of my night class

tonight, so I could use the extra

hands." "Typical Clark." He knew half

the class, and it was only the first

day. "You're finished already?" I

glanced down at my watch and wow, we'd

already been there for 2 hours.

Yeah, but I can wait if you're not, he

said, running a hand over his hair. I've

got like 10 people I promised tickets to

since we got here, so I can text them

while I wait. I know you're overselling

the party, by the way, I said

accusingly, reaching down to grab my bag.

bag.

But I think I've got enough hitting

shots. Let's go get coffee and figure

out how screwed we are. Sounds good to me.

me.

He pulled out his sunglasses and slid

them up the bridge of his nose.

But the world's not going to end if our

party goes a little big, you know. Says

you. I rolled my eyes and started

walking with him toward the parking lot.

You're not the one who can't sleep when

there are still 60 people in the living

room at 3:00 in the morning.

It definitely wasn't 60, he said,

throwing his arm over my shoulder.

And if you would have just drunk a

little more, sleeping wouldn't have been

a problem.

I had to laugh at that because Clark was

phased by nothing ever. A bomb could go

off in his bedroom and he'd say

something trit like, "Well, I guess the

universe thought it was time for me to redecorate."

redecorate."

Just tell me you didn't promise Woody a

ticket," I said, knowing without a doubt

that he probably had. Every person I

knew loved the bullpen catcher from

Alabama, Mr. Southern Charm, but I did not.

not.

He wasn't a bad guy, but I went on a

date with him last year. It was my one

and only college date before I realized

I no longer believed in romance. when he

a told me he hated cats, b called me red

like that was a universally accepted pet

name for a redhead, and cissed

my neck while we were standing in line

at the movie theater concession stand.

And ever since that ill- fated date,

every time I saw him, I had the pleasure

of answering his 20 questions about why

I never let him take me out again.

I gave some to a couple of the freshman

pitchers, Clark said defensively.

So, I had to give one to Woody. I mean,

he was right there. I had no choice.

I shook my head at my pathetically soft friend.

friend.

Well, if I murder him, I'm making you

bury the body and get rid of the evidence.

evidence.

Deal, he said. I'll even spring for the shovel.

>> Chapter 5.

No matter what happens in the next 5

minutes, I want you to know that when I

open this door, I was so happy to see

you that my heart leapt. It leapt in my

chest. For the love of the game, Wes,

Wes,

the first week flew by. The baseball

part of it, aka hell week, was pretty

intense. Practice, lifting, position,

specific practice, conditioning. I spent

more time suffering with my teammates

than I did with my coursework, which

sent me scootering to the library every

night and attempt to stay ahead of my

studies. POW was the main library on

campus, the one that made sense for me

to use as my studying home base. But I

like to go a little farther and study at

the music library because it was quieter.

quieter.

Okay, that was total [ __ ] I studied

at the quiet music library in hopes of

running into a certain music student who

might also be studying there. A music

student with green eyes, copper hair,

and tattooed daisies on her hip. A music

student I dreamed about nearly every

night, whose voice I could still hear.

Whose perfume I could still smell. I had

yet to see her, but I sensed she was

close. I had a few ideas on how to

accidentally run into her, such as spend

an entire day studying in the lobby of

Shonberg, where all her music classes

were likely held. Ask my teammate Eli's

girlfriend, who worked in the

registars's office, to screenshot Liz's

schedule. Call Mr. Bucks Balam and beg

for intel. Call Helena and beg for

intel, etc. But I needed my life to slow

down in order for me to make it happen.

So on Friday night, as I walked back to

my dorm after a chaotic first week and

zero Liz sightings at the library, I was

really looking forward to going out. Not

to get shitfaced, but just to let loose

with the guys and have an entire evening

where I wasn't thinking about school or

baseball or her. I punched my code into

the keypad and pushed open the door.

It's about [ __ ] time. Wade, first

baseman and one of my sweetmates said

looking like a douche as he stood in the

middle of the shared living room wearing

tight jeans, a white t-shirt, a black

blazer, what the hell, and a goddamn

fedora on his big head. I am ready to

go. He was with Mickey Catcher/ other

sweetmate and AJ who weren't dressed

like Bruno Mars, thank God. And they all

appeared to be waiting on me. Where? To

a costume party? I asked, dropping my

backpack onto the coffee table. Don't be

jealous of my style, Bennett, Wade said,

dusting the front of his jacket like he

was big [ __ ] Oh, I am definitely not

that. Just get yourself together because

we already called an Uber and it's on

the way. AJ said, "If I'm not dancing

soon, I'm going to lose it." "My

favorite thing about AJ was the fact

that he didn't give a damn what anyone

thought about him. And not in an [ __ ]

way, but in a true to himself way. My

boy loved dancing like all out covered

in sweat because he's dancing so hard.

He loved Kdramas and he would argue to

the death the merits of seltzer being

better than beer.

How long? I asked, really wanting a

shower after speeding back to hitch

under the warm California sun. AJ looked

at his phone. It says my driver Lissa is

uh 12 minutes away. I can shower in

three. I went into the bedroom to grab

clean clothes and yelled, "I'm good in

jeans and a t-shirt, right?" "No, you

scrub." Wade replied at the exact second

AJ and Mickey yelled in unison, "Yes."

I ducked into the shower and was ready

just in time to slide into Lissa's ride

with everyone else. AJ started chatting

up Lissa because she was exactly his

type. Dark-haired bombshell with book

quotes tattooed on her arm, but she was

having none of his [ __ ] She dropped

us at an apartment complex that was

swanky as hell, and I was in shock as we

got into the elevator. Wow. I looked at

the illuminated numbers on the elevator

display as the doors closed behind us.

College students live here. I couldn't

even fathom a guess as to how much the

rent would be in a place like this. It

wasn't a building for 20somes. It was a

building for wealthy adults and trust

fund babies. I mean, the door man was

collecting party tickets for God's sake.

What the hell are we doing here? I

pressed the two button. Clark said his

roommate's parents are loaded, Wade

said. And that they bought the condo

just so their kid could rent it from

them every month. Damn, I said. Clark,

the giant at practice with the video

camera. Seemed down to earth and very

chill, so I was surprised he lived with

someone so wealthy. Must be nice, right?

Why don't I have friends like that? AJ

said, finger combing his hair as he

stared at his reflection in the elevator

wall. When the doors opened, we could

immediately hear the music coming from

down the hall. I wasn't sure how anyone

was able to pull off that noise level

without the neighbors calling the cops.

Maybe the units in the building were

insulated so well that they couldn't

hear it. Doubtful. We followed the sound

to 2C. The door was closed, but it was

so loud on the other side that knocking

would be ridiculous. AJ turned the knob,

pushed, and just like that, the party

was upon us. We stepped inside, and holy

balls, I was impressed. Holy, holy

balls. Was this what parties were like

in LA? Or was this unusual?

From our spot in the foyer, we could see

a living room packed full of people.

Some were dancing, some were talking,

but the sound system was what had me

losing my mind. This party sounded like

we were in a club. Like, yes, the music

was loud, but the sound was incredible.

Also, Heaven Angel was a banger I hadn't

heard in way too long. I could see a

huge kitchen off to the right of the

living room where there appeared to be

even more people drinking. It was

controlled chaos, though, in spite of

how huge it was. Unlike the high school

parties back home, where couches

sometimes caught fire and fights were

known to break out, everyone was

actually behaving. How is this possible?

See why I said we had to get tickets?

Wade said, grinning. Insane, right?

Unreal, I shouted, laughing because it

was insane. Are we on a reality show? I

love you, man. AJ yelled to Wade, his

eyes all over the room like he was a

toddler who'd woken up in the middle of

Santa's workshop. I followed his

starruck gaze and noticed that there

were a lot of girls there. A lot. Yet, I

didn't care because I didn't see the

only one who mattered. "Let's go get

some beers," Mickey yelled, pointing

somewhere where I assumed there were

beers. I didn't know where we were

Chapter 6.

I don't know very much about him except

that I love him. It happened one night. Liz,

come get your shot box.

No thanks, I said, yelled rather, giving

a wave to Campbell from my spot in the

corner as the party started getting

crowded. I'm good. You're not good until

we say you're good. She picked up the

four shot glasses from the kitchen

island in front of her, held them over

her head, and made her way toward me

with my other two roommates following

behind her. It was a tradition on house

party nights for the four of us to share

a shot together before things got crazy.

My roommates were as follows. Campbell,

a sophomore soccer player who was

stunningly beautiful and could also

drink anyone. Man, woman, or frat boy

under the table. Clark, a senior who was

as good at rugby as he was at knitting.

And Leonardo, a charming Italian biology

major whose parents were loaded. Hence

the luxury right across from campus

apartment we were renting from them for

next to nothing. So basically it was me,

someone who only socialized when forced

and three engaging humans who lived to entertain.

entertain.

I'd never been into partying. Too loud,

too crowded, too boozy. But after I told

them that, my amazing roommates created

a role that managed to turn me into a

party fiend. I was the DJ at every party

we ever had. Leo built a raised

workstation in the corner of the living

room so I could see everything from my

platform, but I was out of the way so

people didn't really notice me unless

they were trying. I spent the days

before a party curating the perfect

party playlist, timing out the songs to

match the tone of a party's chronology.

chill music when people were mingling at

the beginning. A mix of everything

people liked to sing along and dance to

when they started getting rowdy. And

then I brought out all the bangers.

Clark's word choice, not mine. For when

things were roaring.

There was nothing quite like the rush of

seeing it work, of seeing everyone shout

singing to my musical selections.

I was obsessed with it. obsessed to the

point that I'd become quite the little

party planner just to witness it all go

down over and over again.

Last year, we had one bigish party each

quarter, all with themes. The oh [ __ ]

we're back bash. Tonight was version

2.0. The Christmas sleigh, the anti

Valentine's Day party, and the school's

out for the summer so everyone kiss extravaganza.

extravaganza.

Leo being Leo, invited all our

neighbors, most of whom were grown ass

successful adults, and also gave them

his phone number so they could reach him

if the party got too loud. I thought he

was insane the first time, but they

loved him for it, and we had

trouble-free parties.

Before my madeup role of DJ came to

pass, whenever I was forced to go to a

party, I'd just stand beside whomever I

came with and wait for fun to happen,

which, spoiler, it didn't. As someone

not looking for romance, not a big

drinker, and not incredibly fond of

conversation with strangers, fun wasn't

synonymous with a college party for me.

But not anymore because now I was able

to enjoy my favorite parts without

dreading the rest. I got to do the whole

cute outfit, good makeup thing, which

was the best part of going to a party.

The night I'd found the perfect black

and white dotted dress to go with my red

chucks. I was able to be excited for an

event and have fun with my friends. Yet,

I got to watch from afar while being invisible and doing music. And it helped

invisible and doing music. And it helped that my roommates were stingy with their

that my roommates were stingy with their invites. Campbell's tickets usually went

invites. Campbell's tickets usually went to soccer players and their significant

to soccer players and their significant others. Leo mostly invited scientists

others. Leo mostly invited scientists and a smattering of beautiful girls.

and a smattering of beautiful girls. Clarks went to baseball friends and

Clarks went to baseball friends and rugby players who were hardcore but

rugby players who were hardcore but surprisingly sweet. And mine usually

surprisingly sweet. And mine usually went to random athletes that I knew who

went to random athletes that I knew who asked me for tickets while I was

asked me for tickets while I was working. Bottom line, there weren't many

working. Bottom line, there weren't many strangers at our parties, which made

strangers at our parties, which made them feel safe. Here, Campbell said,

them feel safe. Here, Campbell said, handing me a shot of vodka as Clark and

handing me a shot of vodka as Clark and Leo grabbed theirs.

Leo grabbed theirs. "What's the toast tonight, kiddos?"

"What's the toast tonight, kiddos?" Clark said, his loud voice hard to hear

Clark said, his loud voice hard to hear over the noise as he held up his shot.

over the noise as he held up his shot. His hair was in a high ponytail, which

His hair was in a high ponytail, which looked both ridiculous and amazing on

looked both ridiculous and amazing on him somehow.

him somehow. Work hard, play hard, stay hard," Leo

Work hard, play hard, stay hard," Leo said, raising his glass to Clark's,

said, raising his glass to Clark's, ruining the obnoxiousness of the toast

ruining the obnoxiousness of the toast by giggling his adorable high-pitched

by giggling his adorable high-pitched laugh. "To working hard," Campbell said,

laugh. "To working hard," Campbell said, rolling her eyes and joining the toast.

rolling her eyes and joining the toast. "To all the hardness!" I yelled as we

"To all the hardness!" I yelled as we clinkedked and tossed back our shots. I

clinkedked and tossed back our shots. I glanced toward the door as it opened and

glanced toward the door as it opened and more people came in. Then said, "Now

more people came in. Then said, "Now leave me alone. DJ Lizzy needs to work."

leave me alone. DJ Lizzy needs to work." Wade Brooks walked in as my roommates

Wade Brooks walked in as my roommates dispersed. Wearing that stupid fedora

dispersed. Wearing that stupid fedora that I told him no less than 10 times

that I told him no less than 10 times made him look like a douche. I'd given

made him look like a douche. I'd given him my last few tickets. He and his

him my last few tickets. He and his friends were always fun, and I was glad

friends were always fun, and I was glad I did when I saw Mick follow him in. I

I did when I saw Mick follow him in. I met them last year and they loved to

met them last year and they loved to party. But the baseball guys never got

party. But the baseball guys never got handsy or turned creepy when drunk,

handsy or turned creepy when drunk, which I very much appreciated. Bonus

which I very much appreciated. Bonus points for being better than a large

points for being better than a large portion of the general male population.

portion of the general male population. I took a drink of my Captain Morgan and

I took a drink of my Captain Morgan and Coke as a couple more guys came in

Coke as a couple more guys came in behind them. A short blonde and a tall.

behind them. A short blonde and a tall. Oh my god. Oh my god. I gasped, coughing

Oh my god. Oh my god. I gasped, coughing on my drink as my hand clutched my

on my drink as my hand clutched my chest. I squinted and stared, unable to

chest. I squinted and stared, unable to believe my eyes as I tried to get a

believe my eyes as I tried to get a better look.

better look. Everything in my body, my breath, my

Everything in my body, my breath, my heart, the movement of the blood in my

heart, the movement of the blood in my veins came to a complete and total stop.

veins came to a complete and total stop. I was paralyzed, entirely frozen as I

I was paralyzed, entirely frozen as I watched him laugh at something the

watched him laugh at something the blonde guy said.

blonde guy said. Dear God, it was Wes. Wes Bennett was in

Dear God, it was Wes. Wes Bennett was in my apartment.

my apartment. I was instantly lightheaded as I tried

I was instantly lightheaded as I tried to process his presence. The power of

to process his presence. The power of Wes in the flesh overwhelming after 2

Wes in the flesh overwhelming after 2 years of watered down, diluted memories.

years of watered down, diluted memories. I think I'm going to faint.

I think I'm going to faint. This was impossible. How was he there?

This was impossible. How was he there? Why was he there? Was he visiting

Why was he there? Was he visiting someone?

someone? This can't be happening. My stomach felt

This can't be happening. My stomach felt like a huge knot. A huge knot that was

like a huge knot. A huge knot that was surrounded by a plague of wing flapping

surrounded by a plague of wing flapping moths as I watched Wes Bennett enter my

moths as I watched Wes Bennett enter my living room. Dear God, Wes is in my

living room. Dear God, Wes is in my house.

house. I took a deep breath and tried my

I took a deep breath and tried my hardest to remain calm, to not feel like

hardest to remain calm, to not feel like I was about to pass out or throw up, but

I was about to pass out or throw up, but my heart was beating too fast. He was

my heart was beating too fast. He was grinning and talking to Wade and the

grinning and talking to Wade and the blonde. His smile is exactly the same.

blonde. His smile is exactly the same. And I felt like I couldn't catch my

And I felt like I couldn't catch my breath. I might be having a heart

breath. I might be having a heart attack.

attack. I'd forgotten how tall he was. Maybe I

I'd forgotten how tall he was. Maybe I hadn't,

hadn't, but he looked even bigger now. His

but he looked even bigger now. His shoulders had expanded and his chest

shoulders had expanded and his chest looked wide under his Cubs t-shirt, like

looked wide under his Cubs t-shirt, like he was the professional version of the

he was the professional version of the recreational boy I'd once known.

recreational boy I'd once known. His face looked harder, like he'd lost

His face looked harder, like he'd lost all the excess and was whittleled down

all the excess and was whittleled down into only sharp angles and dark eyes.

into only sharp angles and dark eyes. And the neck I'd always been distracted

And the neck I'd always been distracted by looked somehow more intriguing. Could

by looked somehow more intriguing. Could a neck be muscular?

a neck be muscular? God, how is he still so beautiful?

God, how is he still so beautiful? He threw his head back and laughed. And

He threw his head back and laughed. And even though I couldn't hear it over the

even though I couldn't hear it over the noise, I knew exactly what it sounded

noise, I knew exactly what it sounded like.

like. A laugh I'd recognize anywhere.

A laugh I'd recognize anywhere. God, I hated him for looking that good.

God, I hated him for looking that good. He wasn't allowed to look that good.

He wasn't allowed to look that good. They headed toward the kitchen, probably

They headed toward the kitchen, probably looking for beer. And I tried to take a

looking for beer. And I tried to take a deep breath and get a grip. But it was

deep breath and get a grip. But it was impossible when unbidden, so freaking

impossible when unbidden, so freaking unwelcome,

unwelcome, the memory of the last time I'd spoken

the memory of the last time I'd spoken to him came at me.

to him came at me. New Year's Day, two years ago.

New Year's Day, two years ago. I showed up at his house with questions,

I showed up at his house with questions, positive the rumor couldn't be true.

positive the rumor couldn't be true. And then he looked me in the eye and

And then he looked me in the eye and told me that it was.

told me that it was. Why is he here now after all this time?

Why is he here now after all this time? Does he even know this is my house?

Does he even know this is my house? I lifted my glass and gulped down the

I lifted my glass and gulped down the last of my drink, very aware of the way

last of my drink, very aware of the way my hands were shaking. I wanted to run

my hands were shaking. I wanted to run and hide. Yet at the very same time, I

and hide. Yet at the very same time, I felt like screaming his name just to see

felt like screaming his name just to see his reaction.

his reaction. I needed to get a grip. I needed to calm

I needed to get a grip. I needed to calm down. I needed air.

Chapter 7. I wanted it to be you. I wanted it to be

I wanted it to be you. I wanted it to be you so badly. You've got mail.

you so badly. You've got mail. Wes.

Wes. I think she went outside. I followed

I think she went outside. I followed Wade out the patio door and onto the

Wade out the patio door and onto the huge balcony as he tried finding

huge balcony as he tried finding Campbell someone. Apparently, she lived

Campbell someone. Apparently, she lived here and he was slightly obsessed with

here and he was slightly obsessed with her. So, since I had nothing better to

her. So, since I had nothing better to do, I accompanied him on his search. "It

do, I accompanied him on his search. "It might prove amusing watching Brooks

might prove amusing watching Brooks drool all over himself." "Is that her?"

drool all over himself." "Is that her?" I asked, nodding my head in the

I asked, nodding my head in the direction of a tall blonde in a very

direction of a tall blonde in a very short dress. "There really were a lot of

short dress. "There really were a lot of girls at the party. No wonder he'd been

girls at the party. No wonder he'd been foaming at the mouth to get here." "No,"

foaming at the mouth to get here." "No," Wade said. "But maybe Liz knows. Come

Wade said. "But maybe Liz knows. Come on." I barely had time to register the

on." I barely had time to register the name Liz when I saw her. Oh my god,

name Liz when I saw her. Oh my god, there she is. Libby. Holy [ __ ] She was

there she is. Libby. Holy [ __ ] She was standing there by herself on the balcony

standing there by herself on the balcony looking like everything I'd ever wanted.

looking like everything I'd ever wanted. The sights and sounds of the party, of

The sights and sounds of the party, of the world disappeared as my eyes drank

the world disappeared as my eyes drank her in, desperate and needy after being

her in, desperate and needy after being deprived of the sight of her for way too

deprived of the sight of her for way too long. God, was it weird that I felt a

long. God, was it weird that I felt a little choked up? My throat was tight as

little choked up? My throat was tight as I tried taking a deep breath, but it

I tried taking a deep breath, but it felt impossible

felt impossible because there she was. Finally, she's

because there she was. Finally, she's here. Liz within reach. Holy [ __ ] And

here. Liz within reach. Holy [ __ ] And how is it possible that she'd gotten

how is it possible that she'd gotten prettier? It felt like years and also

prettier? It felt like years and also minutes since I'd last touched her. And

minutes since I'd last touched her. And I clenched all 10 of my fingers, a

I clenched all 10 of my fingers, a little dizzy from the power of my want.

little dizzy from the power of my want. She was wearing a black dress that

She was wearing a black dress that looked amazing on her. But it didn't

looked amazing on her. But it didn't matter. The dress was unnecessary. Like

matter. The dress was unnecessary. Like her clothes weren't important anymore,

her clothes weren't important anymore, which is a weird thing to think, but

which is a weird thing to think, but they didn't matter. clothes were merely

they didn't matter. clothes were merely a distraction because her skin, face,

a distraction because her skin, face, arms, perfect legs had a glow now, like

arms, perfect legs had a glow now, like she'd been in residence with the warm

she'd been in residence with the warm rays of the California sun 24 hours a

rays of the California sun 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, which makes sense

day, 7 days a week, which makes sense since she hasn't been home in 2 years.

since she hasn't been home in 2 years. With her long, loose braayed and slick

With her long, loose braayed and slick nude lips, Libby was a summer siren

nude lips, Libby was a summer siren whose magic had nothing to do with what

whose magic had nothing to do with what she was wearing. She [ __ ] glowed. I

she was wearing. She [ __ ] glowed. I swear to God. And the words Blake Rose

swear to God. And the words Blake Rose was singing through the speakers as Wade

was singing through the speakers as Wade and I approached made the hairs on the

and I approached made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. "Me and you,

back of my neck stand up. "Me and you, we're supposed to be together." "Hey,

we're supposed to be together." "Hey, Buxy, where's your roomie?" Wade asked,

Buxy, where's your roomie?" Wade asked, walking right up to her and pulling on

walking right up to her and pulling on her braid. "What?" Liz blinked and

her braid. "What?" Liz blinked and looked confused as she gave him a vague

looked confused as she gave him a vague smile like he'd pulled her back from a

smile like he'd pulled her back from a million miles away. And then she saw me.

million miles away. And then she saw me. Her smile disappeared, her cheeks

Her smile disappeared, her cheeks flushed, and she swallowed, looking as

flushed, and she swallowed, looking as shocked as I felt. I swear to God, I

shocked as I felt. I swear to God, I heard her gasp. But that might have been

heard her gasp. But that might have been me. Because after haunting my dreams for

me. Because after haunting my dreams for almost 2 years, Libby was suddenly

almost 2 years, Libby was suddenly standing right in front of me, looking

standing right in front of me, looking up at me with those long lashed green

up at me with those long lashed green eyes, looking like everything I'd ever

eyes, looking like everything I'd ever needed. Am I [ __ ] trembling? I could

needed. Am I [ __ ] trembling? I could smell the Chanel number five on her

smell the Chanel number five on her skin, and I wanted to hyperventilate on

skin, and I wanted to hyperventilate on it because holy [ __ ] I was finally

it because holy [ __ ] I was finally close enough to breathe her in. "Hey,

close enough to breathe her in. "Hey, Bucks bomb," I managed, which was

Bucks bomb," I managed, which was ludicrous. There was so much history

ludicrous. There was so much history between us, a million I love yous and a

between us, a million I love yous and a thousand stolen kisses. Yet, the two

thousand stolen kisses. Yet, the two words I managed to piece together in her

words I managed to piece together in her presence were the same words I might use

presence were the same words I might use to say hi to any random stranger who

to say hi to any random stranger who shared her last name. You brilliant,

shared her last name. You brilliant, charming idiot.

charming idiot. Wes. Oh my god. Her voice was scratchy,

Wes. Oh my god. Her voice was scratchy, but I wanted to draw to my knees and beg

but I wanted to draw to my knees and beg her to say it 10 more times. Slow down

her to say it 10 more times. Slow down and say it again, Lib. She blinked fast

and say it again, Lib. She blinked fast and gave me a polite, "How are you?"

and gave me a polite, "How are you?" Cool was impossible. I felt the

Cool was impossible. I felt the ridiculousness of my smile as it became

ridiculousness of my smile as it became my entire personality. I was a clown,

my entire personality. I was a clown, grinning from head to toe, but I

grinning from head to toe, but I couldn't reel it in because it was

couldn't reel it in because it was finally happening. I daydreamed on a

finally happening. I daydreamed on a daily basis about running into Liz since

daily basis about running into Liz since the moment I committed to UCLA. And

the moment I committed to UCLA. And there was just no way for me to disguise

there was just no way for me to disguise my absolute joy in this moment. Better

my absolute joy in this moment. Better now. Her eyes moved all over my face

now. Her eyes moved all over my face like she had a million questions she was

like she had a million questions she was trying to work through. Yeah. Um, focus,

trying to work through. Yeah. Um, focus, Liz, Wade interrupted, snapping his

Liz, Wade interrupted, snapping his fingers, oblivious to the reunion

fingers, oblivious to the reunion happening in front of him. Where is

happening in front of him. Where is Campbell? She shook her head like he was

Campbell? She shook her head like he was ridiculous.

ridiculous. hiding from you probably. Now see, he

hiding from you probably. Now see, he teased, grinning. That's just mean. She

teased, grinning. That's just mean. She was flustered, a wrinkle between her

was flustered, a wrinkle between her brows as she blinked fast. But she

brows as she blinked fast. But she teased him back and necessary. You go

teased him back and necessary. You go too hard. I'd tell Campbell that she's

too hard. I'd tell Campbell that she's beautiful, he said. And she acts like

beautiful, he said. And she acts like I've insulted her. Make it make sense.

I've insulted her. Make it make sense. You tell her she's beautiful when you

You tell her she's beautiful when you remember she exists," Liz corrected,

remember she exists," Liz corrected, giving him a smirk that I felt in my

giving him a smirk that I felt in my knees. "You only think of her when we

knees. "You only think of her when we have a party, and then you follow her

have a party, and then you follow her around like a puppy for the entire

around like a puppy for the entire night." "Because I'm smitten," he said,

night." "Because I'm smitten," he said, grinning like she'd given him a

grinning like she'd given him a compliment. And love struck. "That's not

compliment. And love struck. "That's not actually a thing," she said, rolling her

actually a thing," she said, rolling her eyes. And jealousy hit me hard in the

eyes. And jealousy hit me hard in the gut. "I wanted to tease her and have her

gut. "I wanted to tease her and have her tease me back. That was our thing. I

tease me back. That was our thing. I think I miss that more than I miss

think I miss that more than I miss kissing her. Okay, that's a lie. But

kissing her. Okay, that's a lie. But being Liz's friend was everything. Wade

being Liz's friend was everything. Wade gave his head a shake. "You're the most

gave his head a shake. "You're the most unromantic female I've ever met, Bucks."

unromantic female I've ever met, Bucks." "Thank you," she said off-handedly,

"Thank you," she said off-handedly, barely noticing his comment. "But I felt

barely noticing his comment. "But I felt lost, like I was in a class and missed

lost, like I was in a class and missed something in the assignment." "Because

something in the assignment." "Because Liz Bucksbomb unromantic."

Liz Bucksbomb unromantic." "Not a compliment," Wade said, laughing.

"Not a compliment," Wade said, laughing. and you're not smitten. You're just

and you're not smitten. You're just intrigued because you aren't used to

intrigued because you aren't used to being rejected. She smiled like he was a

being rejected. She smiled like he was a mischievous child absolutely manhandling

mischievous child absolutely manhandling the wildly overconfident first baseman.

the wildly overconfident first baseman. Trust me, Wade, if she treated you like

Trust me, Wade, if she treated you like the baseball god that so many foolish

the baseball god that so many foolish people think you are, you'd be over her

people think you are, you'd be over her in a hot minute. "Oh, there she is," he

in a hot minute. "Oh, there she is," he interrupted. And then he just sprinted

interrupted. And then he just sprinted away from us, running across the balcony

away from us, running across the balcony and back inside.

and back inside. Well, I said as Liz and I watched him

Well, I said as Liz and I watched him disappear into the apartment. There he

disappear into the apartment. There he goes. The vibe changed in an instant.

goes. The vibe changed in an instant. Liz crossed her arms and chewed on the

Liz crossed her arms and chewed on the inside of her cheek, looking like she

inside of her cheek, looking like she wanted to be anywhere but here. Her

wanted to be anywhere but here. Her cheeks were flush, but my face was on

cheeks were flush, but my face was on fire as her eyes moved to a spot just

fire as her eyes moved to a spot just past my shoulder. Like she didn't want

past my shoulder. Like she didn't want to look at me. I cleared my throat and

to look at me. I cleared my throat and said,

said, "So, Liz,

"So, Liz, hi.

hi. Hi. It was absurd. Maybe better than,

Hi. It was absurd. Maybe better than, "Hey, Bucks bomb, but still one casual

"Hey, Bucks bomb, but still one casual syllable, like we were lab partners who

syllable, like we were lab partners who seen each other earlier that day and not

seen each other earlier that day and not two people who'd seen each other. Hi,

two people who'd seen each other. Hi, Wes." She put her hands in her pockets,

Wes." She put her hands in her pockets, and the smile she had for Wade was long

and the smile she had for Wade was long gone. Her face was all tension as she

gone. Her face was all tension as she said, "I um had no idea you were in LA.

said, "I um had no idea you were in LA. Are you here visiting someone or?" She

Are you here visiting someone or?" She trailed off and it was obvious that she

trailed off and it was obvious that she hadn't even considered the idea that I

hadn't even considered the idea that I might be a student. "I'm back,

might be a student. "I'm back, actually," I said, wondering how that

actually," I said, wondering how that week together in LA when we were

week together in LA when we were incoming freshman could feel like two

incoming freshman could feel like two lifetimes ago. I'm restarting the whole

lifetimes ago. I'm restarting the whole freshman year at UCLA thing. If she were

freshman year at UCLA thing. If she were drinking, she would have done a spit

drinking, she would have done a spit take. Her eyes widened and her perfectly

take. Her eyes widened and her perfectly arched brows went all the way up.

arched brows went all the way up. "You're a student here?" I nodded and

"You're a student here?" I nodded and I'm back on the team. Her eyebrows went

I'm back on the team. Her eyebrows went down and crinkled together and she

down and crinkled together and she sounded like she couldn't believe it

sounded like she couldn't believe it when she said, "You're playing baseball

when she said, "You're playing baseball again." Yeah, I can hardly believe it

again." Yeah, I can hardly believe it myself. After my dad died, I couldn't

myself. After my dad died, I couldn't even look at a baseball. So, of course,

even look at a baseball. So, of course, this didn't make sense to her. She'd

this didn't make sense to her. She'd been there well on the other end of the

been there well on the other end of the phone when I freaked out at the thought

phone when I freaked out at the thought of ever pitching again. I am. Oh. Um,

of ever pitching again. I am. Oh. Um, that's really great. She nodded, but her

that's really great. She nodded, but her eyebrows remained scrunched together.

eyebrows remained scrunched together. So, you are a student athlete here at

So, you are a student athlete here at UCLA this year, right now. It would have

UCLA this year, right now. It would have been funny. The difficulty she was

been funny. The difficulty she was having wrapping her mind around it, but

having wrapping her mind around it, but the fact that she looked the opposite of

the fact that she looked the opposite of happy took any humor out of the

happy took any humor out of the situation. Her face left no question

situation. Her face left no question that she didn't want to have this

that she didn't want to have this conversation or any conversation. with

conversation or any conversation. with me. I remembered the last thing she'd

me. I remembered the last thing she'd said to me New Year's Day two years ago.

said to me New Year's Day two years ago. God, I hate you. As I confirmed, "That's

God, I hate you. As I confirmed, "That's correct." "Well, that's really

correct." "Well, that's really fantastic," she said loudly, smiling

fantastic," she said loudly, smiling politely, looking over my shoulder like

politely, looking over my shoulder like she was searching for an escape. "How's

she was searching for an escape. "How's Sarah and your mom?" "Good," I replied,

Sarah and your mom?" "Good," I replied, hating that she was turning to we're

hating that she was turning to we're stranger small talk. I knew what kind of

stranger small talk. I knew what kind of shampoo she used. I knew the color

shampoo she used. I knew the color coding of her book annotations. And I

coding of her book annotations. And I knew the exact spot on her neck where a

knew the exact spot on her neck where a kiss would wreak havoc on her ability to

kiss would wreak havoc on her ability to breathe. God damn it. It was wrong to

breathe. God damn it. It was wrong to pretend we used to sort of know each

pretend we used to sort of know each other and that this moment between us

other and that this moment between us wasn't huge. And Otis, you're seriously

wasn't huge. And Otis, you're seriously asking about my dog. I leaned my head a

asking about my dog. I leaned my head a little closer to hers, needing to mess

little closer to hers, needing to mess with her and cooks the Libby out of her.

with her and cooks the Libby out of her. I think that's as far on the small talk

I think that's as far on the small talk scale as you can go. Bucks bow. You're

scale as you can go. Bucks bow. You're probably right, she said, her green eyes

probably right, she said, her green eyes flashing in irritation.

flashing in irritation. I guess that means we've reached the end

I guess that means we've reached the end of our conversation. That's not what I

of our conversation. That's not what I meant, I said, reaching out to take my

meant, I said, reaching out to take my turn tugging on her braid. I was

turn tugging on her braid. I was referring to your very boring questions.

referring to your very boring questions. Maybe try spicing things up a little,

Maybe try spicing things up a little, like asking how my but I don't care, she

like asking how my but I don't care, she snapped, smacking my hand about how your

snapped, smacking my hand about how your anything is. Ouch. I couldn't help it. I

anything is. Ouch. I couldn't help it. I was grinning again. God, I'd miss this

was grinning again. God, I'd miss this so much. I stepped a little closer and

so much. I stepped a little closer and said, "No need to get snarky, Lib." "And

said, "No need to get snarky, Lib." "And don't call me that," she said, her teeth

don't call me that," she said, her teeth gritted. "My bad," I said, putting up my

gritted. "My bad," I said, putting up my hands. It felt good to get under her

hands. It felt good to get under her skin, so I said. "Maybe we should go

skin, so I said. "Maybe we should go somewhere and catch up." "Lizard." A

somewhere and catch up." "Lizard." A huge dude with a ponytail who looked a

huge dude with a ponytail who looked a lot like a bleach bond Aquaman appeared

lot like a bleach bond Aquaman appeared beside Liz. And it took me a half second

beside Liz. And it took me a half second to realize it was Clark, the guy who'd

to realize it was Clark, the guy who'd been filming at practice and who lived

been filming at practice and who lived there. He said, "Are you ever coming

there. He said, "Are you ever coming back?" He was standing close to her.

back?" He was standing close to her. Close enough that they were clearly

Close enough that they were clearly friends or more. No, probably no. Please

friends or more. No, probably no. Please no. Who the hell was this guy to her? "I

no. Who the hell was this guy to her? "I just needed some fresh air," Liz said,

just needed some fresh air," Liz said, pasting a huge smile on her face as she

pasting a huge smile on her face as she looked at the dude. "But it was so

looked at the dude. "But it was so fake." "Wasn't it?" She wasn't really

fake." "Wasn't it?" She wasn't really that happy to see the giant, was she?

that happy to see the giant, was she? "This is Wes Bennett, my old next door

"This is Wes Bennett, my old next door neighbor," Liz said, waving a hand in my

neighbor," Liz said, waving a hand in my direction like I didn't matter. Like I'd

direction like I didn't matter. Like I'd just been some kid in her neighborhood,

just been some kid in her neighborhood, not the guy who had a tattoo on his arm

not the guy who had a tattoo on his arm that perfectly matched the one on her

that perfectly matched the one on her shoulder. [ __ ] Had she gotten it

shoulder. [ __ ] Had she gotten it removed? She wouldn't have, would she? I

removed? She wouldn't have, would she? I mean, that sort of thing was expensive,

mean, that sort of thing was expensive, wasn't it? It was insane that I was

wasn't it? It was insane that I was focusing on that of all things. But it'd

focusing on that of all things. But it'd break my whole [ __ ] heart if that

break my whole [ __ ] heart if that tattoo was no longer there. We were

tattoo was no longer there. We were childhood buddies, she explained, her

childhood buddies, she explained, her mouth smiling at me while her eyes did

mouth smiling at me while her eyes did the opposite. I tilted my head. Is that

the opposite. I tilted my head. Is that what we were? I hadn't thought it was

what we were? I hadn't thought it was possible, but her cheeks got even redder

possible, but her cheeks got even redder as she met my gaze and bit out. Yep.

as she met my gaze and bit out. Yep. Damn. But I need to kiss her. And this,

Damn. But I need to kiss her. And this, she said to me as she pointed to the guy

she said to me as she pointed to the guy is Clark.

is Clark. Just Clark. No explanatory title like my

Just Clark. No explanatory title like my friend or a jackass or my bodyguard.

friend or a jackass or my bodyguard. Who was Clark to her? Nice to officially

Who was Clark to her? Nice to officially meet you, man, he said, reaching out and

meet you, man, he said, reaching out and shaking my hand. Impressive throwing

shaking my hand. Impressive throwing today. Thanks, I said, unsure how to

today. Thanks, I said, unsure how to behave when this question mark of a

behave when this question mark of a person was being annoyingly nice.

person was being annoyingly nice. There's a lot of buzz around the whole

There's a lot of buzz around the whole number one recruiting class in the

number one recruiting class in the country thing, he said. And I myself am

country thing, he said. And I myself am hardcore ready to fanboy all over that

hardcore ready to fanboy all over that exhibition game in a couple weeks, so

exhibition game in a couple weeks, so consider yourself warned.

consider yourself warned. Exhibition game. I swallowed around what

Exhibition game. I swallowed around what felt like a razor when he uttered those

felt like a razor when he uttered those two words and I lied. Yeah, really

two words and I lied. Yeah, really looking forward to it. I watched film

looking forward to it. I watched film from summer league and your fastball is

from summer league and your fastball is money. Thanks. I looked back at Liz and

money. Thanks. I looked back at Liz and she was watching us with her eyes

she was watching us with her eyes narrowed either an irritation or

narrowed either an irritation or confusion. Maybe both. So I said to her,

confusion. Maybe both. So I said to her, "So did you want to get out of here?"

"So did you want to get out of here?" Oh, I don't think Clark would like that,

Oh, I don't think Clark would like that, she said, going big on that frozen grin

she said, going big on that frozen grin again. Now my eyes narrowed. Because she

again. Now my eyes narrowed. Because she had that conniving little Liz look on

had that conniving little Liz look on her face. Why not? I asked at the exact

her face. Why not? I asked at the exact second Clark looked at her and asked,

second Clark looked at her and asked, "Why not?" Liz blinked fast and said to

"Why not?" Liz blinked fast and said to me while wrapping her arms around the

me while wrapping her arms around the dude's stupid enormous bicep, "Because

dude's stupid enormous bicep, "Because my boyfriend gets very jealous.

Chapter 8. I like this boy and he likes someone

I like this boy and he likes someone else. Well, obviously this boy is a

else. Well, obviously this boy is a complete [ __ ]

complete [ __ ] Clueless.

Clueless. Liz.

Liz. I glanced up at Clark and he wasn't

I glanced up at Clark and he wasn't hiding it. He had zero idea what I was

hiding it. He had zero idea what I was doing.

doing. You get very jealous, I said to Clark in

You get very jealous, I said to Clark in a cheesy singong voice, trying to

a cheesy singong voice, trying to transmit my thoughts with my eyes as I

transmit my thoughts with my eyes as I breezily said, "Even though you think

breezily said, "Even though you think you don't."

you don't." His eyebrows screwed together, and he

His eyebrows screwed together, and he looked confused. "Damn it."

looked confused. "Damn it." "Oh, you guys are together?" Wes asked.

"Oh, you guys are together?" Wes asked. "At least someone got it." And he didn't

"At least someone got it." And he didn't look like he cared at all.

look like he cared at all. He asked it the way someone would ask,

He asked it the way someone would ask, "Do you like the cheese dip?" And

"Do you like the cheese dip?" And something about that stung, even though

something about that stung, even though I was the one who didn't care anymore. I

I was the one who didn't care anymore. I was the one who was over it. "Damn it."

was the one who was over it. "Damn it." "Yes," I said, nodding a little too

"Yes," I said, nodding a little too enthusiastically.

enthusiastically. "We are.

"We are. We are?" Clark asked, still confused.

We are?" Clark asked, still confused. And then it was almost comical, if it

And then it was almost comical, if it wasn't so horrifying, when his eyes got

wasn't so horrifying, when his eyes got huge and he said, "Yes, we are dating.

huge and he said, "Yes, we are dating. We are dating and I am her boyfriend."

We are dating and I am her boyfriend." "Oh, for God's sake," I cleared my

"Oh, for God's sake," I cleared my throat and said around a ridiculous

throat and said around a ridiculous smile. "It's new, so [sighs]

smile. "It's new, so [sighs] new."

new." Wes tilted his head. and looked at me

Wes tilted his head. and looked at me like I just sprouted antlers.

like I just sprouted antlers. Oh my god, how can this be happening?

Oh my god, how can this be happening? I looked at Wes's stupid face, his

I looked at Wes's stupid face, his beautiful, awful, terrible face, and

beautiful, awful, terrible face, and just couldn't believe he was actually

just couldn't believe he was actually there, that he was there and I was doing

there, that he was there and I was doing that.

that. because we've been friends for so long,"

because we've been friends for so long," I said in an oddly high-pitched voice

I said in an oddly high-pitched voice that reminded me of Ross Keller when he

that reminded me of Ross Keller when he said, "I'm fine." in response to Rachel

said, "I'm fine." in response to Rachel and Joey kissing. You know how that can

and Joey kissing. You know how that can be, right?

be, right? So much for pretending you remember

So much for pretending you remember nothing, you idiot.

nothing, you idiot. That made something change in his face.

That made something change in his face. And my eyes were pulled to that hard jaw

And my eyes were pulled to that hard jaw as it clenched and unclenched before he

as it clenched and unclenched before he said. "I do."

said. "I do." "Good.

"Good. I still can't believe it," Clark said,

I still can't believe it," Clark said, raising a hand and pinching my cheek

raising a hand and pinching my cheek while grinning at me so stupidly that I

while grinning at me so stupidly that I would have laughed if again the

would have laughed if again the situation wasn't so horrifying.

situation wasn't so horrifying. One day we were buddies and the next she

One day we were buddies and the next she was all, "Clarky, I have feelings." And

was all, "Clarky, I have feelings." And I was like, "Holy crap, Lizard. I have

I was like, "Holy crap, Lizard. I have feelings, too." And now we're together.

feelings, too." And now we're together. It's like really surreal.

It's like really surreal. So surreal, I agreed, getting a little

So surreal, I agreed, getting a little laugh while wanting to kick Clark's

laugh while wanting to kick Clark's obnoxious ass.

obnoxious ass. A whirlwind. Really?

A whirlwind. Really? It is like a whirlwind,"

It is like a whirlwind," Clark said way too loudly, smiling and

Clark said way too loudly, smiling and pinching my cheek again, followed by two

pinching my cheek again, followed by two little pats.

little pats. I removed his huge hand from my face,

I removed his huge hand from my face, the jackass.

the jackass. And said, "Yeah, so that's the sitch."

And said, "Yeah, so that's the sitch." The sitch? What are you in middle

The sitch? What are you in middle school, you [ __ ]

school, you [ __ ] >> Wow.

>> Wow. Wes looked from my face to Clark's and

Wes looked from my face to Clark's and then he gave me a half smile. Said in

then he gave me a half smile. Said in that teasing tone of his, "Well, you

that teasing tone of his, "Well, you look great together. I mean, the whole

look great together. I mean, the whole she only reaches his armpit thing never

she only reaches his armpit thing never misses.

misses. You guys are adorable."

You guys are adorable." "Yeah," I said, nodding emphatically

"Yeah," I said, nodding emphatically like a lunatic while wanting to throat

like a lunatic while wanting to throat punch him. "You guys are adorable? What

punch him. "You guys are adorable? What the hell was that supposed to mean?

the hell was that supposed to mean? Thanks, Clark agreed, obliviously

Thanks, Clark agreed, obliviously nodding along.

nodding along. Well, Wes said, looking entirely unfased

Well, Wes said, looking entirely unfased by the situation. He scratched his

by the situation. He scratched his eyebrow and said, "Listen, my friends

eyebrow and said, "Listen, my friends are probably wondering where I

are probably wondering where I disappeared to, so I should go find

disappeared to, so I should go find them." "Yeah," I interrupted, nodding

them." "Yeah," I interrupted, nodding once more. "Good seeing you again."

once more. "Good seeing you again." Oh, you too, Lib, he said, giving me a

Oh, you too, Lib, he said, giving me a wink before turning and walking away. A

wink before turning and walking away. A wink. Oh my god.

wink. Oh my god. I watched him cross the balcony and duck

I watched him cross the balcony and duck inside, looking like just another

inside, looking like just another college dude at a party, and I had no

college dude at a party, and I had no idea why I felt so pissed.

idea why I felt so pissed. For some reason, I wanted to drag him

For some reason, I wanted to drag him back outside and force him to like watch

back outside and force him to like watch me kiss Clark with obnoxious tongue or

me kiss Clark with obnoxious tongue or something. anything to make him upset.

something. anything to make him upset. He wasn't allowed to be unaffected by me

He wasn't allowed to be unaffected by me because that was supposed to be my role.

because that was supposed to be my role. Damn it.

Damn it. What the hell was that? Clark stepped in

What the hell was that? Clark stepped in front of me, so I had to look at him.

front of me, so I had to look at him. Have you lost your mind?

Have you lost your mind? Yes, I groaned, rolling my eyes and

Yes, I groaned, rolling my eyes and shaking my head.

shaking my head. Obviously, I've completely lost it.

Obviously, I've completely lost it. Please explain yourself. And here," he

Please explain yourself. And here," he said, holding out his cup. "Drink this.

said, holding out his cup. "Drink this. You look like you need it." "I do. What

You look like you need it." "I do. What is it?" "Who cares?" I mumbled, taking

is it?" "Who cares?" I mumbled, taking his cup and slamming the contents. "No,

his cup and slamming the contents. "No, not whiskey. My throat is on fire."

not whiskey. My throat is on fire." "Jesus, Liz," Clark said, half laughing

"Jesus, Liz," Clark said, half laughing as I handed back the cup and tried not

as I handed back the cup and tried not to gag. "That's $50 bourbon." "It's

to gag. "That's $50 bourbon." "It's awful." I gasped, my eyes literally

awful." I gasped, my eyes literally watering. Oh my god. He walked over to

watering. Oh my god. He walked over to the other side of the balcony, grabbed a

the other side of the balcony, grabbed a bottle of water out of one of the

bottle of water out of one of the coolers, then brought it over.

coolers, then brought it over. So now, what is the story with you and

So now, what is the story with you and Wes Bennett? Other than the fact that

Wes Bennett? Other than the fact that you were childhood buddies, and why the

you were childhood buddies, and why the hell did you tell him I'm your

hell did you tell him I'm your boyfriend?

boyfriend? I grabbed his arm and pulled him toward

I grabbed his arm and pulled him toward the railing, wanting to make sure no one

the railing, wanting to make sure no one could overhear us. I uncapped the water

could overhear us. I uncapped the water and took a long drink before I

and took a long drink before I explained.

explained. It's complicated,

It's complicated, but basically, we dated in high school

but basically, we dated in high school and I haven't seen him since things

and I haven't seen him since things ended.

ended. Let's just say it was a little messy. A

Let's just say it was a little messy. A little my ass. It looked like a lottle.

little my ass. It looked like a lottle. Clark said, "It's ancient history, and

Clark said, "It's ancient history, and I'm totally over it."

I'm totally over it." That was accurate, succinct, and

That was accurate, succinct, and emotionless without a tinge of the rage

emotionless without a tinge of the rage that had sparked in my center when he'd

that had sparked in my center when he'd said, "Is that what we were?"

said, "Is that what we were?" Yes, I definitely still hated him. The

Yes, I definitely still hated him. The lyrics from Congrats whispered through

lyrics from Congrats whispered through my psyche.

my psyche. "You broke my [ __ ] heart. You tore my

"You broke my [ __ ] heart. You tore my world apart.

world apart. But he wanted to go somewhere and catch

But he wanted to go somewhere and catch up," I said, shaking my head and

up," I said, shaking my head and gritting my teeth as I spiraled. "And I

gritting my teeth as I spiraled. "And I just couldn't. I mean, why would he even

just couldn't. I mean, why would he even suggest that? How could he think I'd

suggest that? How could he think I'd want to?" "It's okay," he interrupted,

want to?" "It's okay," he interrupted, giving me a sympathetic smile. "Exes are

giving me a sympathetic smile. "Exes are weird like that, and I totally get it."

weird like that, and I totally get it." "You do?" I said surprised because I

"You do?" I said surprised because I didn't even get it myself. I'd spent

didn't even get it myself. I'd spent years in West Bennett detox and I was a

years in West Bennett detox and I was a healed woman. His presence. Holy [ __ ]

healed woman. His presence. Holy [ __ ] How can he be a student here now? Should

How can he be a student here now? Should be an annoyance at most. So why had

be an annoyance at most. So why had seeing him felt akin to getting an

seeing him felt akin to getting an electric shock and not in a good way at

electric shock and not in a good way at all?

all? Clark took out his ponytail and finger

Clark took out his ponytail and finger combed his curly blonde hair.

combed his curly blonde hair. Here's the thing, though. Fake

Here's the thing, though. Fake boyfriending me is a terrible idea.

boyfriending me is a terrible idea. Why?

Why? My eyes kept roaming behind him, looking

My eyes kept roaming behind him, looking to see if Wes had come back out. If he

to see if Wes had come back out. If he thinks I have a boyfriend who is 7t tall

thinks I have a boyfriend who is 7t tall and freakishly strong, he'll know I'm

and freakishly strong, he'll know I'm over him, and he'll probably steer

over him, and he'll probably steer clear.

clear. And even as I said it, I knew that if

And even as I said it, I knew that if Wes wanted to mess with me, nothing

Wes wanted to mess with me, nothing would stop him. But surely he didn't

would stop him. But surely he didn't want that.

want that. But do you really want everyone to think

But do you really want everyone to think we're dating? Think about it. We live

we're dating? Think about it. We live together and work together. If this gets

together and work together. If this gets out, people are going to think it's

out, people are going to think it's juicy as hell, he said. And he wasn't

juicy as hell, he said. And he wasn't wrong.

wrong. But as I sifted through the pros and

But as I sifted through the pros and cons, there wasn't really anything that

cons, there wasn't really anything that seemed awful about this idea. I didn't

seemed awful about this idea. I didn't date at all, so people thinking I was

date at all, so people thinking I was Clark's girlfriend wasn't going to mess

Clark's girlfriend wasn't going to mess up anything on that front. In fact, it

up anything on that front. In fact, it would be nice for everyone to think that

would be nice for everyone to think that a massive rugby player was my boyfriend.

a massive rugby player was my boyfriend. For once, I wouldn't have to come up

For once, I wouldn't have to come up with excuses as to why I had zero

with excuses as to why I had zero interest in dating anyone ever.

interest in dating anyone ever. Although,

Although, "God, I'm so selfish," I said, realizing

"God, I'm so selfish," I said, realizing the sacrifice it would be for Clark.

the sacrifice it would be for Clark. "This would totally screw up your love

"This would totally screw up your love life if people thought you had a

life if people thought you had a girlfriend, wouldn't it?" "I'm not

girlfriend, wouldn't it?" "I'm not worried about that," he said, shrugging.

worried about that," he said, shrugging. "I mean, I'm assuming we will fake break

"I mean, I'm assuming we will fake break up in the near future once you know how

up in the near future once you know how to handle yourself around him."

to handle yourself around him." Yeah, for sure we will, I said,

Yeah, for sure we will, I said, wondering if I'd ever know how to do

wondering if I'd ever know how to do that.

that. Because I never would have guessed that

Because I never would have guessed that at this point in my life, almost 2 years

at this point in my life, almost 2 years later, I'd feel so shaken by his

later, I'd feel so shaken by his presence. I would have expected a polite

presence. I would have expected a polite reunion with a few lingering unkind

reunion with a few lingering unkind thoughts about him that would disappear

thoughts about him that would disappear the moment he walked away.

the moment he walked away. That was how it was supposed to go.

That was how it was supposed to go. Why aren't I numb by now?

Why aren't I numb by now? Okay, so maybe this, Clark said, getting

Okay, so maybe this, Clark said, getting that patented Clark grin on his face.

that patented Clark grin on his face. That meant he was all in.

That meant he was all in. Let's go with what we just said to

Let's go with what we just said to Bennett, that this is brand new, like we

Bennett, that this is brand new, like we just discovered we have feelings and

just discovered we have feelings and we're just starting to explore it. That

we're just starting to explore it. That way when people act like he's wrong,

way when people act like he's wrong, like no, they're just friends, it makes

like no, they're just friends, it makes sense why no one knows.

sense why no one knows. See, this is why I want to date you, I

See, this is why I want to date you, I teased, feeling a little better.

teased, feeling a little better. You think of all the details, right? I'm

You think of all the details, right? I'm awesome, he said around a smile,

awesome, he said around a smile, pinching my cheek again.

pinching my cheek again. This is going to be kind of fun.

This is going to be kind of fun. I will stab you, I said as I smacked his

I will stab you, I said as I smacked his hand, laughing in spite of everything.

hand, laughing in spite of everything. If you don't keep your enormous pie

If you don't keep your enormous pie plate hands off my face. Got it. Oh,

plate hands off my face. Got it. Oh, lizard,

lizard, he said, giving in to a loud laugh.

he said, giving in to a loud laugh. You're adorable when you huff. Let me

You're adorable when you huff. Let me text our roommates so they know the plan

text our roommates so they know the plan and then let's go get you another drink.

and then let's go get you another drink. Girlfriend of mine.

Girlfriend of mine. We went back into the party after he

We went back into the party after he sent Campbell and Leo the message. And I

sent Campbell and Leo the message. And I was glad I had a buzz when he grabbed my

was glad I had a buzz when he grabbed my hand and led me into the kitchen.

hand and led me into the kitchen. Because there was worse, sitting on the

Because there was worse, sitting on the stool where I ate my yogurt every

stool where I ate my yogurt every morning, grinning and playing cards with

morning, grinning and playing cards with his friends, who were actually my

his friends, who were actually my friends, who'd actually been my friends

friends, who'd actually been my friends first. And he was in my kitchen. What

first. And he was in my kitchen. What the hell? I felt like I needed a timeout

the hell? I felt like I needed a timeout to get my head right because it was all

to get my head right because it was all too much.

too much. Is Buxie actually going to hang with us?

Is Buxie actually going to hang with us? Way teased, his hair a mess since he'd

Way teased, his hair a mess since he'd finally shed the stupid hat. He had a

finally shed the stupid hat. He had a handful of cards in his fists and a few

handful of cards in his fists and a few cans of beer in front of him as he

cans of beer in front of him as he grinned and said, "I thought you only

grinned and said, "I thought you only did music at your parties." "I begged,"

did music at your parties." "I begged," Clark said, pulling me closer and

Clark said, pulling me closer and wrapping his arm around my shoulders.

wrapping his arm around my shoulders. And Lizzy was nice enough to choose me

And Lizzy was nice enough to choose me over music at least for a solid 5

over music at least for a solid 5 minutes. Lizzy

minutes. Lizzy Mickey who was at the other end of the

Mickey who was at the other end of the table said, "What the hell is this Lizzy

table said, "What the hell is this Lizzy [ __ ] Are we allowed to call you that

[ __ ] Are we allowed to call you that now? Because I recall it being expressly

now? Because I recall it being expressly forbidden."

forbidden." >> I really wanted the attention to land on

>> I really wanted the attention to land on anyone else because I could feel Wes

anyone else because I could feel Wes watching this stupid interaction.

watching this stupid interaction. Wes, the only person to ever seriously

Wes, the only person to ever seriously call me Lizzy. I pushed my lips into a

call me Lizzy. I pushed my lips into a smile and said, "Well, only I can call

smile and said, "Well, only I can call her that." Clark interrupted, his voice

her that." Clark interrupted, his voice loudly obnoxious.

loudly obnoxious. "Oh, God." I couldn't bring myself to

"Oh, God." I couldn't bring myself to look at Wes's face. WDE's eyes narrowed.

look at Wes's face. WDE's eyes narrowed. "Did I miss something? Are you guys a

"Did I miss something? Are you guys a thing now?"

thing now?" I sucked at lying, so I just shrugged

I sucked at lying, so I just shrugged and smiled.

and smiled. "Maybe."

"Maybe." "Oh god, Lil Biey's blushing," Mickey

"Oh god, Lil Biey's blushing," Mickey said. And I knew blushing had to be an

said. And I knew blushing had to be an understatement because it felt like my

understatement because it felt like my skin was on fire. "This is adorable."

skin was on fire. "This is adorable." "Shut it," I said, rolling my eyes. "I'm

"Shut it," I said, rolling my eyes. "I'm going back to the music." "Oh, come on,

going back to the music." "Oh, come on, baby.

baby. Clark teased. Don't go yet.

Clark teased. Don't go yet. That made Mick laugh and I wriggled out

That made Mick laugh and I wriggled out from under Clark's arm. As the moment

from under Clark's arm. As the moment passed and the card game moved on, I

passed and the card game moved on, I turned to escape to the living room to

turned to escape to the living room to get away from the kitchen and lose

get away from the kitchen and lose myself in the music, but not before

myself in the music, but not before making eye contact with Wes,

making eye contact with Wes, whose dark eyes were intensely on me,

whose dark eyes were intensely on me, like he was searching for something.

like he was searching for something. That face was impossible to read as I

That face was impossible to read as I held his gaze like a deer in the

held his gaze like a deer in the headlights. Unsure what was passing

headlights. Unsure what was passing between us,

between us, I swallowed and tucked my hair behind my

I swallowed and tucked my hair behind my ears. Get it together, Bucks Bam. And it

ears. Get it together, Bucks Bam. And it felt like my knees might literally give

felt like my knees might literally give out as I exited the kitchen as quickly

out as I exited the kitchen as quickly as possible.

as possible. What the hell, universe?

Chapter nine. I mean, I know it's been awkward as ass,

I mean, I know it's been awkward as ass, but there's no need to leave. Bridget

but there's no need to leave. Bridget Jones's diary.

Jones's diary. Wes,

Wes, I was done. Everyone was still partying,

I was done. Everyone was still partying, but I needed to get the hell out of

but I needed to get the hell out of there. After the Clark bombshell, I'd

there. After the Clark bombshell, I'd sat in the kitchen for a solid hour,

sat in the kitchen for a solid hour, pretending to be into the card game

pretending to be into the card game while my brain kept exploding over and

while my brain kept exploding over and over again.

over again. Liz had a boyfriend. I'd always known it

Liz had a boyfriend. I'd always known it was a possibility, but I guess I hadn't

was a possibility, but I guess I hadn't truly accepted that possibility because

truly accepted that possibility because I felt floored by the revelation. And

I felt floored by the revelation. And before I had a moment to get a grip on

before I had a moment to get a grip on the shittiness of that little morsel, we

the shittiness of that little morsel, we informed me that Clark was her roommate.

informed me that Clark was her roommate. Her room [ __ ] mate.

Her room [ __ ] mate. She lived with her new boyfriend. I felt

She lived with her new boyfriend. I felt sick. My gut was literally churning and

sick. My gut was literally churning and it was very possible I was going to

it was very possible I was going to vomit, so I needed to get out of there

vomit, so I needed to get out of there fast. I'd looked for Liz after she left

fast. I'd looked for Liz after she left the kitchen. God only knows why, but she

the kitchen. God only knows why, but she seemed to have disappeared completely.

seemed to have disappeared completely. I made my way through the packed living

I made my way through the packed living room, bouncing off the jumping people

room, bouncing off the jumping people who all seem to be singing along to DJ

who all seem to be singing along to DJ Goddess Fallen in Love until I reached

Goddess Fallen in Love until I reached AJ's side. I tapped him on the arm and

AJ's side. I tapped him on the arm and shouted, "I'm going to walk back."

shouted, "I'm going to walk back." "What?" He stopped dancing and leaned

"What?" He stopped dancing and leaned closer to hear me, looking at me like I

closer to hear me, looking at me like I was nuts. You're going to walk back now?

was nuts. You're going to walk back now? Yeah. I snapped, absolutely uninterested

Yeah. I snapped, absolutely uninterested in talking about it. Why do you even

in talking about it. Why do you even know how to get back from here? He took

know how to get back from here? He took a drink of his beer before saying, "Why

a drink of his beer before saying, "Why the hell would you want to miss this?"

the hell would you want to miss this?" "I just do. I was going to lose it if I

"I just do. I was going to lose it if I stayed another minute, so I said. I'll

stayed another minute, so I said. I'll see you back home." Wait," he yelled as

see you back home." Wait," he yelled as I walked away, but I needed to leave. I

I walked away, but I needed to leave. I pushed through the people, not even

pushed through the people, not even bothering with, "Excuse me," as I

bothering with, "Excuse me," as I elbowed through the crowd. And I'd made

elbowed through the crowd. And I'd made it to the front door when he grabbed my

it to the front door when he grabbed my arm. "Bennett!" I turned around and it

arm. "Bennett!" I turned around and it was almost comical how sweaty he was and

was almost comical how sweaty he was and how confused he looked. Thankfully, the

how confused he looked. Thankfully, the foyer was quieter than the rest of the

foyer was quieter than the rest of the apartment, so I didn't have to yell

apartment, so I didn't have to yell anymore. "Dude, I have to go," I said,

anymore. "Dude, I have to go," I said, shaking my head. "You okay, though?"

shaking my head. "You okay, though?" Wandering through the streets of LA in

Wandering through the streets of LA in the dark seems like a bad idea. He

the dark seems like a bad idea. He sounded like a worried parent when he

sounded like a worried parent when he said, "I don't know how much you've had,

said, "I don't know how much you've had, but I'll wait for an Uber with you if

but I'll wait for an Uber with you if you want." God, he's such a good dude. I

you want." God, he's such a good dude. I didn't know what to say or how to

didn't know what to say or how to explain my behavior, so I said, "I'm

explain my behavior, so I said, "I'm totally sober. I just can't be here

totally sober. I just can't be here anymore." "Well, maybe we can remember

anymore." "Well, maybe we can remember my ex." He stopped talking and didn't

my ex." He stopped talking and didn't get it for a second, muttering, "No, I

get it for a second, muttering, "No, I don't I don't think so." under his

don't I don't think so." under his breath before saying, "Wait, the the

breath before saying, "Wait, the the redhead from high school." I'd gotten

redhead from high school." I'd gotten hammered one night during summer league

hammered one night during summer league and spilled a lot to AJ, probably more

and spilled a lot to AJ, probably more than I'd ever shared with any other

than I'd ever shared with any other human. We never really discussed it

human. We never really discussed it after that night, but I somehow knew he

after that night, but I somehow knew he remembered all of it. He was just that

remembered all of it. He was just that guy. Yeah. I nodded and said, "Well,

guy. Yeah. I nodded and said, "Well, apparently this is her apartment." What

apparently this is her apartment." What do you mean this is Oh my god. His eyes

do you mean this is Oh my god. His eyes got huge and he said, "Liz, shh," I

got huge and he said, "Liz, shh," I said, looking behind him to make sure no

said, looking behind him to make sure no one was listening. "Shut up, will you?

one was listening. "Shut up, will you? Are you telling me?" He whispered,

Are you telling me?" He whispered, yelled. "That Bxy is your ex?" "Yes," I

yelled. "That Bxy is your ex?" "Yes," I bit out. "And calm your ass down." "But

bit out. "And calm your ass down." "But Bennett," he said, looking at me like I

Bennett," he said, looking at me like I just delivered the world's most shocking

just delivered the world's most shocking news. I don't understand. You didn't

news. I don't understand. You didn't know. I knew she was a student at UCLA,

know. I knew she was a student at UCLA, but I didn't know she lived in this

but I didn't know she lived in this apartment, and I sure as hell didn't

apartment, and I sure as hell didn't know she has a boyfriend.

know she has a boyfriend. Dude,

Dude, AJ tilted his head and looked at me like

AJ tilted his head and looked at me like I was a pathetic puppy. No way did it go

I was a pathetic puppy. No way did it go down like this. Unbelievable, right? I

down like this. Unbelievable, right? I still felt queasy about the whole thing.

still felt queasy about the whole thing. Mostly because I couldn't stop hearing

Mostly because I couldn't stop hearing Clark call her baby. Gross. It was

Clark call her baby. Gross. It was gross, right? Baby was an offensive pet

gross, right? Baby was an offensive pet name in my opinion. [ __ ] Go, AJ said,

name in my opinion. [ __ ] Go, AJ said, pointing at the door. Because your face

pointing at the door. Because your face is getting redder by the minute. Get out

is getting redder by the minute. Get out of here. Clear your head and text me

of here. Clear your head and text me when you get home so I know you made it

when you get home so I know you made it safe. Thanks, man, I said, pulling open

safe. Thanks, man, I said, pulling open the door and exiting the noisy

the door and exiting the noisy apartment. I wasn't looking forward to

apartment. I wasn't looking forward to discussing this with AJ later. That guy

discussing this with AJ later. That guy loved talking about feelings, but at

loved talking about feelings, but at least I knew I could trust him to keep

least I knew I could trust him to keep it to himself. I left the building and

it to himself. I left the building and just started walking, grateful for the

just started walking, grateful for the fresh air and quiet. But it didn't take

fresh air and quiet. But it didn't take long for me to get good and lost. UCLA

long for me to get good and lost. UCLA was a huge school, and during daylight

was a huge school, and during daylight hours, I had the area pretty much

hours, I had the area pretty much figured out. But when it was dark,

figured out. But when it was dark, forget about it. My sense of direction

forget about it. My sense of direction went to [ __ ] I gave my car to my sister

went to [ __ ] I gave my car to my sister because I had a whole team to mides off.

because I had a whole team to mides off. But figuring out where you were on foot

But figuring out where you were on foot was somehow more challenging than when

was somehow more challenging than when you were behind the wheel. I texted AJ.

you were behind the wheel. I texted AJ. I think I'm walking in circles in the

I think I'm walking in circles in the neighborhood by the party. Is there a

neighborhood by the party. Is there a trick to getting out? I looked at my

trick to getting out? I looked at my display and realized I've been walking

display and realized I've been walking for 40 minutes. I was starting to think

for 40 minutes. I was starting to think my GPS was [ __ ] me around. Of course,

my GPS was [ __ ] me around. Of course, the entire time I'd been walking, I was

the entire time I'd been walking, I was picturing Liz and Clark, so the haze of

picturing Liz and Clark, so the haze of jealous rage might have impaired my

jealous rage might have impaired my nighttime navigational skills.

nighttime navigational skills. Yeah, I was insanely jealous. Jealous to

Yeah, I was insanely jealous. Jealous to the nth degree. So jealous it was

the nth degree. So jealous it was choking me, which pissed me off because

choking me, which pissed me off because it was stupid, right? But even though my

it was stupid, right? But even though my brain knew it was logical for her to

brain knew it was logical for her to date someone else, my body wanted to

date someone else, my body wanted to wipe the floor with Clark for being the

wipe the floor with Clark for being the one whose arm she wrapped her hands

one whose arm she wrapped her hands around. Honestly, I should be happy for

around. Honestly, I should be happy for her because the dude seemed nice.

her because the dude seemed nice. Really, really nice, actually. But

Really, really nice, actually. But somehow I just knew he wasn't right for

somehow I just knew he wasn't right for her. I might not be the one, even though

her. I might not be the one, even though I was pretty sure I was. But there was

I was pretty sure I was. But there was no way ponytail was either. She said new

no way ponytail was either. She said new that they were new. So how new? Were we

that they were new. So how new? Were we talking days, weeks? What constituted

talking days, weeks? What constituted new? Had they kissed yet? No, I muttered

new? Had they kissed yet? No, I muttered to myself as I walked. The thought of

to myself as I walked. The thought of that making my stomach churn. I mean,

that making my stomach churn. I mean, it'd been years. Of course, she'd kissed

it'd been years. Of course, she'd kissed someone else by now. I knew that. But

someone else by now. I knew that. But seeing her face again and smelling her

seeing her face again and smelling her perfume and hearing the sound of her

perfume and hearing the sound of her voice made everything feel so close. My

voice made everything feel so close. My phone buzzed in my hand. AJ, airdrop

phone buzzed in my hand. AJ, airdrop your location. I did, and then my phone

your location. I did, and then my phone buzzed again. I expected it to be AJ,

buzzed again. I expected it to be AJ, but it was my sister, which also wasn't

but it was my sister, which also wasn't a surprise. Sarah was in all my business

a surprise. Sarah was in all my business all the time.

all the time. Sarah, how's the epic party? Are you

Sarah, how's the epic party? Are you hardcore kegging? I texted walking home

hardcore kegging? I texted walking home actually. Sarah, so early. I replied,

actually. Sarah, so early. I replied, Liz was there. Almost immediately, she

Liz was there. Almost immediately, she was facetiming me. Damn it. I didn't

was facetiming me. Damn it. I didn't feel like talking about it, but I also

feel like talking about it, but I also knew she wouldn't go away. I knew I

knew she wouldn't go away. I knew I shouldn't have told you, I said as I

shouldn't have told you, I said as I answered, fully aware that I would never

answered, fully aware that I would never not tell her. Sarah had gone from

not tell her. Sarah had gone from annoying little sister to the only

annoying little sister to the only person in the world I could count on

person in the world I could count on after my dad died and my mom had her

after my dad died and my mom had her issues. So, we kind of told each other

issues. So, we kind of told each other everything. "Spoiler! You get really

everything. "Spoiler! You get really close with your siblings when you have

close with your siblings when you have to learn survival together." "Oh my

to learn survival together." "Oh my god," she said like I hadn't spoken.

god," she said like I hadn't spoken. "Did you talk to her?" Sarah had on her

"Did you talk to her?" Sarah had on her glasses, which meant she was ready for

glasses, which meant she was ready for bed. The kid hated glasses and had

bed. The kid hated glasses and had always waited until right before bed

always waited until right before bed before taking out her contacts.

before taking out her contacts. I did, I said, not wanting to rewind

I did, I said, not wanting to rewind that polite small talk nightmare. Oh my

that polite small talk nightmare. Oh my god, Wes, I was right. Sarah the

god, Wes, I was right. Sarah the romantic had wanted me to track down Liz

romantic had wanted me to track down Liz the second I got to LA. This is fate. I

the second I got to LA. This is fate. I just know she was with her boyfriend.

just know she was with her boyfriend. She has a boyfriend. My sister, not one

She has a boyfriend. My sister, not one to be deterred, immediately launched

to be deterred, immediately launched into a factf finding mission. And he was

into a factf finding mission. And he was there. Is it serious? I had the

there. Is it serious? I had the privilege of meeting him and talking to

privilege of meeting him and talking to them together as a couple. No, Kell

them together as a couple. No, Kell Nightmare, she sighed in horror, her

Nightmare, she sighed in horror, her eyes wide. What was he like? I hated

eyes wide. What was he like? I hated him. I hated him so much. Because he

him. I hated him so much. Because he seemed like a really great guy. Oh my

seemed like a really great guy. Oh my god, the worst, she said, groaning and

god, the worst, she said, groaning and shaking her head. What about the time?

shaking her head. What about the time? Do you know how long they've been

Do you know how long they've been talking? That's the weird part, I said,

talking? That's the weird part, I said, leaning back and stretching out my legs.

leaning back and stretching out my legs. Liz said it's new, that they've just

Liz said it's new, that they've just started dating. And then they both said

started dating. And then they both said they're still getting used to it. The

they're still getting used to it. The guy was like, "Oh, yeah, that's right.

guy was like, "Oh, yeah, that's right. I'm your boyfriend." "What?" Sarah must

I'm your boyfriend." "What?" Sarah must have flipped on a light because it was

have flipped on a light because it was brighter now. "They are still getting

brighter now. "They are still getting used to it." "I know," I said, still a

used to it." "I know," I said, still a little confused by that. Like, how?

little confused by that. Like, how? Obviously, it isn't serious then. What

Obviously, it isn't serious then. What else? What else? What? What else

else? What else? What? What else happened with Liz, you [ __ ] What did

happened with Liz, you [ __ ] What did you two say to each other? It was all

you two say to each other? It was all very polite, I said, my gut in a knot as

very polite, I said, my gut in a knot as I replayed the very cordial reunion.

I replayed the very cordial reunion. Like we were total strangers.

Like we were total strangers. Gross, she said almost in a whine. I

Gross, she said almost in a whine. I know. I sighed and tried pushing back

know. I sighed and tried pushing back the disappointment. But even if she was

the disappointment. But even if she was single, Sarah, it probably wouldn't

single, Sarah, it probably wouldn't matter because she still hates me.

matter because she still hates me. She said that? No, but it was obvious.

She said that? No, but it was obvious. It was all over her face when she looked

It was all over her face when she looked at me. Trust me. She leaned closer to

at me. Trust me. She leaned closer to the camera and pointed her finger at me.

the camera and pointed her finger at me. Wesley, you need to tell her the truth.

Wesley, you need to tell her the truth. I mean, how can I when she isn't single?

I mean, how can I when she isn't single? I'd love for her to know the truth, but

I'd love for her to know the truth, but there wasn't a good way to just spit out

there wasn't a good way to just spit out those words. It doesn't exactly come up

those words. It doesn't exactly come up in the conversations we aren't having. I

in the conversations we aren't having. I don't know, but you just have to say it.

don't know, but you just have to say it. Spit out the words. She shrugged and

Spit out the words. She shrugged and said, "Even if it's awkwardly blurted

said, "Even if it's awkwardly blurted out in the middle of the quad. Just get

out in the middle of the quad. Just get the truth out there. I don't think UCLA

the truth out there. I don't think UCLA has a quad." Wesley Sarah Beth. I looked

has a quad." Wesley Sarah Beth. I looked up at the full moon and stood. I

up at the full moon and stood. I honestly don't think that would change

honestly don't think that would change anything. But it could change

anything. But it could change everything, you idiot. She was all fired

everything, you idiot. She was all fired up now, making me actually regret

up now, making me actually regret telling her because I was too exhausted

telling her because I was too exhausted to deal with her attitude.

to deal with her attitude. I'll think about it, I said, dropping to

I'll think about it, I said, dropping to sit on the curb. Why wait? Why think? Go

sit on the curb. Why wait? Why think? Go back to the party and shout it, Wesley.

back to the party and shout it, Wesley. I have to go. Damn it, Wes. You need to

I have to go. Damn it, Wes. You need to strike now while it's new. Don't you see

strike now while it's new. Don't you see that? If you drag your feet, it might

that? If you drag your feet, it might become not new with the boyfriend and

become not new with the boyfriend and then it definitely won't matter. I'll

then it definitely won't matter. I'll call you tomorrow, kid. I said. I'm

call you tomorrow, kid. I said. I'm hanging up now. But I disconnected the

hanging up now. But I disconnected the call. I knew she had the best of

call. I knew she had the best of intentions, but I didn't want to talk

intentions, but I didn't want to talk about this. Not with her or anyone.

about this. Not with her or anyone. No, I'd much rather stew and lose my

No, I'd much rather stew and lose my mind over this all by myself. And she

mind over this all by myself. And she was wrong, by the way, because I knew

was wrong, by the way, because I knew Liz. Giving her the hard press with

Liz. Giving her the hard press with shouted confessions after not speaking

shouted confessions after not speaking for almost two years would only push her

for almost two years would only push her away. It was why I hadn't tracked her

away. It was why I hadn't tracked her down on move in day. I was being

down on move in day. I was being patient. If you were ever going to have

patient. If you were ever going to have a second chance, I needed to convince

a second chance, I needed to convince her to become my friend first, to let me

her to become my friend first, to let me in again, which seemed a hell of a lot

in again, which seemed a hell of a lot more difficult now that she had a

more difficult now that she had a boyfriend. As if on Q, my daily watch

boyfriend. As if on Q, my daily watch alarm went off. It was 12:13 a.m.

alarm went off. It was 12:13 a.m. Seriously, universe, you're hilarious.

Seriously, universe, you're hilarious. [ __ ] me.

[ __ ] me. Liz had teasingly set the alarm for me

Liz had teasingly set the alarm for me the summer we were together, so that

the summer we were together, so that every night I would be forced to stop

every night I would be forced to stop and recognize the anniversary of the

and recognize the anniversary of the moment we'd kissed under the street

moment we'd kissed under the street light on prom night. Silly little love

light on prom night. Silly little love lover. I wasn't sure why I never deleted

lover. I wasn't sure why I never deleted the alarm, to be honest.

the alarm, to be honest. Bennett, you little [ __ ] I heard as a

Bennett, you little [ __ ] I heard as a car slowed beside me. I narrowed my eyes

car slowed beside me. I narrowed my eyes and saw Wade, Mickey, AJ, and a girl I

and saw Wade, Mickey, AJ, and a girl I didn't know all crammed into a silver

didn't know all crammed into a silver Honda that had a silver-haired man

Honda that had a silver-haired man behind the wheel. Mickey rolled down the

behind the wheel. Mickey rolled down the front passenger window and said, "Get

front passenger window and said, "Get in." "I can't believe you're done at the

in." "I can't believe you're done at the party already," I said, putting my phone

party already," I said, putting my phone in my pocket. Campbell said she was

in my pocket. Campbell said she was hungry, AJ said from where he appeared

hungry, AJ said from where he appeared to be squeezed against the door in the

to be squeezed against the door in the back seat. So Brooks called an Uber so

back seat. So Brooks called an Uber so we can go get some food. The girl

we can go get some food. The girl Campbell presumably gave me a wave and a

Campbell presumably gave me a wave and a smile. "Get your sweet ass in the car,"

smile. "Get your sweet ass in the car," Wade said, sticking his head out the

Wade said, sticking his head out the back window. "Cuz we're going to Fat

back window. "Cuz we're going to Fat Salves." I wasn't sure if they were

Salves." I wasn't sure if they were going back to the party after Fat Salves

going back to the party after Fat Salves or not. But at least I could call myself

or not. But at least I could call myself an Uber from there if that was the plan.

an Uber from there if that was the plan. I squeezed into the back seat, wedged

I squeezed into the back seat, wedged between Wade and the door as I slammed

between Wade and the door as I slammed it, and the driver stomped on the gas.

it, and the driver stomped on the gas. "What kind of a dumbass walks home when

"What kind of a dumbass walks home when they don't know where they're going?"

they don't know where they're going?" Mickey asked, giving me a drunk grin.

Mickey asked, giving me a drunk grin. "You had our little AJ all worried about

"You had our little AJ all worried about you?" "I'd worry about you, too, if you

you?" "I'd worry about you, too, if you went wandering around LA in the dark by

went wandering around LA in the dark by yourself," AJ said, which made Wade

yourself," AJ said, which made Wade laugh. "Of course you would," he said,

laugh. "Of course you would," he said, reaching out of hand to pat AJ's knee.

reaching out of hand to pat AJ's knee. "Mama bear, why did you walk?" Campbell

"Mama bear, why did you walk?" Campbell asked, leaning forward to talk to me

asked, leaning forward to talk to me around the way that was between us.

around the way that was between us. Couldn't get an Uber. I got tripped up

Couldn't get an Uber. I got tripped up for a second because this girl was Liz's

for a second because this girl was Liz's roommate, right? I doubted she knew

roommate, right? I doubted she knew anything about me yet because Liz hadn't

anything about me yet because Liz hadn't even know I was here until a few hours

even know I was here until a few hours ago. But I had a weird feeling that I

ago. But I had a weird feeling that I should try to make a good impression.

should try to make a good impression. Something like that, I said, acting like

Something like that, I said, acting like it was a whim instead of me having a

it was a whim instead of me having a full-on meltdown over her roommate's

full-on meltdown over her roommate's current relationship status. I'm Wes, by

current relationship status. I'm Wes, by the way. Campbell, she said, smiling.

the way. Campbell, she said, smiling. And you used to date Liz, right? What

And you used to date Liz, right? What the what? Wade shouted, even though he

the what? Wade shouted, even though he was right next to me. His mouth hung

was right next to me. His mouth hung wide open for a second before he said,

wide open for a second before he said, "You went out with Bxie." Damn it. The

"You went out with Bxie." Damn it. The last thing I wanted was to discuss Liz

last thing I wanted was to discuss Liz and my history with Wade or anyone for

and my history with Wade or anyone for that matter. Well, except for Liz. She

that matter. Well, except for Liz. She was my next door neighbor back home, I

was my next door neighbor back home, I said, trying to downplay it. The girl

said, trying to downplay it. The girl next door, he said, laughing. Woo,

next door, he said, laughing. Woo, Bennett, I got to know more. It was a

Bennett, I got to know more. It was a long time ago, I said, dismissing him

long time ago, I said, dismissing him because I was dying to hear what Liz had

because I was dying to hear what Liz had said to her roommate about me. I turned

said to her roommate about me. I turned back to Campbell and said, "So, yes, I

back to Campbell and said, "So, yes, I did." "That's what Clark said," she

did." "That's what Clark said," she replied. "But no worries, he's super

replied. "But no worries, he's super chill about it.

chill about it. Oh, I said like a dumbass. But I had

Oh, I said like a dumbass. But I had trouble pulling words together because

trouble pulling words together because like did that mean Liz hadn't said

like did that mean Liz hadn't said anything about me? Was her boyfriend the

anything about me? Was her boyfriend the one talking about me? That's good. And

one talking about me? That's good. And why was Clark so chill? Shouldn't he be

why was Clark so chill? Shouldn't he be the slightest bit jealous of our

the slightest bit jealous of our history? And why am I being so neurotic?

history? And why am I being so neurotic? Yeah, she agreed. And Wayade told me all

Yeah, she agreed. And Wayade told me all I could ever need to know about you. Oh,

I could ever need to know about you. Oh, I said, glancing at Brooks's stupid

I said, glancing at Brooks's stupid smirk, wondering what the hell he could

smirk, wondering what the hell he could have said. He said you're a pitcher from

have said. He said you're a pitcher from Nebraska, Oklahoma.

Nebraska, Oklahoma. All those states in the middle of the

All those states in the middle of the country just run together, Wade said

country just run together, Wade said defensively, shrugging. I can't be

defensively, shrugging. I can't be expected to keep track of which one our

expected to keep track of which one our little lefty comes from. Brooks is a

little lefty comes from. Brooks is a shining endorsement of the Texas school

shining endorsement of the Texas school system, don't you think? AJ said to

system, don't you think? AJ said to Campbell. Well, they say everything is

Campbell. Well, they say everything is bigger in Texas, she said.

bigger in Texas, she said. So that's right, honey. Wade

So that's right, honey. Wade interrupted, looking drunk as hell while

interrupted, looking drunk as hell while he beamed at her. I think it's safe to

he beamed at her. I think it's safe to say ignorance is not excluded from that

say ignorance is not excluded from that expression. Campbell grinned at Wade,

expression. Campbell grinned at Wade, her head cockked like she was waiting

her head cockked like she was waiting for his comeback. And it made sense that

for his comeback. And it made sense that she was friends with Liz. They both had

she was friends with Liz. They both had a sweetness about them that was

a sweetness about them that was surrounded by a layer of smart wit, like

surrounded by a layer of smart wit, like they were capable of being kind while

they were capable of being kind while also destroying you if you dared to

also destroying you if you dared to deserve it. WDE's voice was all

deserve it. WDE's voice was all confidence when he said, "Honey, I will

confidence when he said, "Honey, I will [ __ ] label an entire United States

[ __ ] label an entire United States mat for you with every state capital

mat for you with every state capital starred if that will make you like me."

starred if that will make you like me." "Can you do it while you're drunk?" she

"Can you do it while you're drunk?" she asked, sounding like she was trying not

asked, sounding like she was trying not to laugh on a fat S's napkin. Tonight,

to laugh on a fat S's napkin. Tonight, he asked, looking marginally less cocky

he asked, looking marginally less cocky as the car came to a stop across the

as the car came to a stop across the street from the restaurant. Sure, she

street from the restaurant. Sure, she said, and she kept talking as we all got

said, and she kept talking as we all got out of the Uber. I will make a US map

out of the Uber. I will make a US map while we wait in the food line. And then

while we wait in the food line. And then you can show off your geographical

you can show off your geographical knowledge while we eat. This is a

knowledge while we eat. This is a fantastic plan, I said as we got in

fantastic plan, I said as we got in line. Okay, you guys order, Mick said to

line. Okay, you guys order, Mick said to AJ and me, handing me a watt of cash,

AJ and me, handing me a watt of cash, and we'll grab that open table and get

and we'll grab that open table and get started. Yeah, Campbell agreed, holding

started. Yeah, Campbell agreed, holding out her card. I'd like the Stromboli

out her card. I'd like the Stromboli fries, please. Get me the fat brewing,

fries, please. Get me the fat brewing, Mick said. What do you want, Brooks? Fat

Mick said. What do you want, Brooks? Fat Texas and fries, Wade said, still

Texas and fries, Wade said, still wielding that drunk ass smile. And quit

wielding that drunk ass smile. And quit being so excited to see me fail. Can't

being so excited to see me fail. Can't quell this thrill, Mick said, shaking

quell this thrill, Mick said, shaking his head. It's what I live for. As soon

his head. It's what I live for. As soon as the three of them went over to the

as the three of them went over to the one empty table, Fat Cells was crazy

one empty table, Fat Cells was crazy busy on Friday nights. AJ said, "So, how

busy on Friday nights. AJ said, "So, how are you doing?" I'm fine, I said,

are you doing?" I'm fine, I said, glancing back at the patio to make sure

glancing back at the patio to make sure Campbell was way out of earshot. It's

Campbell was way out of earshot. It's fine. Good. He stepped forward when the

fine. Good. He stepped forward when the line moved. I just can't believe it's

line moved. I just can't believe it's Bxy, though. Bxy is your ex? That's

Bxy, though. Bxy is your ex? That's wild. How well do you know her? I asked

wild. How well do you know her? I asked genuinely curious. Now that I was

genuinely curious. Now that I was marginally calmer, only because I was

marginally calmer, only because I was distracted, I wanted to hear all about

distracted, I wanted to hear all about what he knew of California Liz. I don't

what he knew of California Liz. I don't know her at all, he said. But I know of

know her at all, he said. But I know of her from Wade and Mick. They were both

her from Wade and Mick. They were both sophomores.

sophomores. Yeah, I said, impressed by how casual I

Yeah, I said, impressed by how casual I sounded when I really wanted to pull out

sounded when I really wanted to pull out a notebook and write down every detail

a notebook and write down every detail he had pertaining to Liz Bugb. Yeah,

he had pertaining to Liz Bugb. Yeah, apparently Liz works for the video

apparently Liz works for the video production department, so she's always

production department, so she's always around filming and taking photos of

around filming and taking photos of practices and workouts. Her team is the

practices and workouts. Her team is the one that generates the content that the

one that generates the content that the athletic department puts on social

athletic department puts on social media. No way. Liz works in the athletic

media. No way. Liz works in the athletic department. I had not expected that.

department. I had not expected that. Yeah, I guess that's how everyone knows

Yeah, I guess that's how everyone knows her. Everyone knows her. Sounds like.

her. Everyone knows her. Sounds like. The line moved and he stepped forward

The line moved and he stepped forward again. And I asked a few guys about

again. And I asked a few guys about Clark, but apparently this thing with

Clark, but apparently this thing with him and Liz is brand new because no one

him and Liz is brand new because no one seems to think they're anything more

seems to think they're anything more than friends. I see. I felt a little

than friends. I see. I felt a little better hearing that because my chances

better hearing that because my chances were a hell of a lot greater if they

were a hell of a lot greater if they just started dating than if they'd been

just started dating than if they'd been together for a while. "So, what's your

together for a while. "So, what's your plan?" AJ asked. That brought my full

plan?" AJ asked. That brought my full attention to him, to his face as he gave

attention to him, to his face as he gave me a weird look. I'd never once

me a weird look. I'd never once mentioned to him, even when drunk, my

mentioned to him, even when drunk, my intention to ultimately win her back.

intention to ultimately win her back. So, I was a little surprised by the

So, I was a little surprised by the comment, "What do you mean?" I mean that

comment, "What do you mean?" I mean that you're wearing the same [ __ ]

you're wearing the same [ __ ] expression you get on your face when

expression you get on your face when you're trying to sit a batter. You look

you're trying to sit a batter. You look intentional, Bennett. The people in

intentional, Bennett. The people in front of us moved out of line and I

front of us moved out of line and I stepped up to the counter to order.

stepped up to the counter to order. Yeah, that was definitely intentional.

Yeah, that was definitely intentional. Regarding Lizzy, I had all the

Regarding Lizzy, I had all the intentions in the world.

>> Chapter 10. I love that you get a little crinkle

I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at

above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I

me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still

spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I

smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want

love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night

to talk to before I go to sleep at night when Harry met Sally.

when Harry met Sally. Liz,

any questions? I shoved my laptop into my backpack as

I shoved my laptop into my backpack as Elaine Lol, my forensic musiccology

Elaine Lol, my forensic musiccology instructor, waited for questions.

instructor, waited for questions. Questions that would not be coming. I'd

Questions that would not be coming. I'd taken one of her classes before, and she

taken one of her classes before, and she was absolutely brilliant, yet utterly

was absolutely brilliant, yet utterly terrifying.

terrifying. The building could be on fire, and no

The building could be on fire, and no one would dare ask that woman where the

one would dare ask that woman where the extinguishers were. She'd just assigned

extinguishers were. She'd just assigned a huge amount of reading. Reading that

a huge amount of reading. Reading that was sure to put me to sleep.

was sure to put me to sleep. It was important information that I'd

It was important information that I'd definitely be using in the real world,

definitely be using in the real world, but there was only so much a person

but there was only so much a person could read about music copyrights before

could read about music copyrights before their eyelids got droopy.

their eyelids got droopy. I'd probably go to the music library

I'd probably go to the music library later to read the text because my

later to read the text because my roommates were far too noisy to make the

roommates were far too noisy to make the comprehension of boring material

comprehension of boring material possible.

possible. Okay, then you're free to go.

Okay, then you're free to go. I followed the rush to exit and was

I followed the rush to exit and was almost to the door when I heard her say,

almost to the door when I heard her say, "Liz, can you hang back for a sec?"

"Liz, can you hang back for a sec?" "Sure." "Oh [ __ ] Oh [ __ ] Oh shit." I

"Sure." "Oh [ __ ] Oh [ __ ] Oh shit." I swallowed and walked over to the lecture

swallowed and walked over to the lecture podium where she was packing up her

podium where she was packing up her things, wondering what this could

things, wondering what this could possibly be about.

possibly be about. "What's up?"

"What's up?" She smiled, a warm smile, and I was

She smiled, a warm smile, and I was taken aback because I'd never seen her

taken aback because I'd never seen her smile before. She was a highpowered

smile before. She was a highpowered entertainment attorney with that whole I

entertainment attorney with that whole I don't have time for anything vibe. So, I

don't have time for anything vibe. So, I just assumed she didn't know how

just assumed she didn't know how that she'd never cared enough to learn.

that she'd never cared enough to learn. I just wanted to let you know that I'm

I just wanted to let you know that I'm always available for questions and extra

always available for questions and extra discussion. Lilith Gman is a good friend

discussion. Lilith Gman is a good friend of mine and she reached out to let me

of mine and she reached out to let me know her intern is in my class.

know her intern is in my class. Oh, I'd emailed my schedule to Lilith

Oh, I'd emailed my schedule to Lilith like she'd asked, but I hadn't expected

like she'd asked, but I hadn't expected her to look at it and actually interact

her to look at it and actually interact with it or reach out to an industry

with it or reach out to an industry professional to make a connection.

professional to make a connection. Thank you, I said, nodding and smiling,

Thank you, I said, nodding and smiling, basically gushing.

basically gushing. I really appreciate that. I'm positive

I really appreciate that. I'm positive I'll take you up on the offer.

I'll take you up on the offer. You definitely should, she said, still

You definitely should, she said, still smiling.

smiling. I'm happy to help anytime.

I'm happy to help anytime. I left the classroom totally energized.

I left the classroom totally energized. And as I exited Shonenberg and put in my

And as I exited Shonenberg and put in my AirPods, a burst of gratitude popped

AirPods, a burst of gratitude popped through me. The fact that I was even

through me. The fact that I was even there in LA taking music classes in such

there in LA taking music classes in such a gorgeous place, it was more than

a gorgeous place, it was more than enough.

enough. But now I was making connections in my

But now I was making connections in my dream career before I was even a senior.

dream career before I was even a senior. It was huge. I assigned unwritten to

It was huge. I assigned unwritten to this moment. I was always looking for a

this moment. I was always looking for a reason to steal it back from the hills.

reason to steal it back from the hills. Anyway, cranking it as I headed down

Anyway, cranking it as I headed down Bruin walk toward Morgan for my meeting

Bruin walk toward Morgan for my meeting with Lilith. I was visualizing a movie

with Lilith. I was visualizing a movie scene in my head as I walked through the

scene in my head as I walked through the busy crowd of students going to class.

busy crowd of students going to class. the music playing as the protagonist

the music playing as the protagonist crossed the picturesque campus with a

crossed the picturesque campus with a cheesy smile on her face.

cheesy smile on her face. Reaching for something in the distance,

Reaching for something in the distance, so close you can almost taste it on your

so close you can almost taste it on your left.

left. I squeaked and jumped out of the way as

I squeaked and jumped out of the way as a scooter buzzed past me, so close to

a scooter buzzed past me, so close to running me down that I could actually

running me down that I could actually feel the breeze when it passed. Jackass.

feel the breeze when it passed. Jackass. I wasn't surprised to see it was an

I wasn't surprised to see it was an athlete at the helm. I wasn't sure why,

athlete at the helm. I wasn't sure why, but they were the ones I always saw

but they were the ones I always saw using scooters. I watched the guy zip in

using scooters. I watched the guy zip in and out of foot traffic like a NASCAR

and out of foot traffic like a NASCAR driver, fast and unfaced, and I gritted

driver, fast and unfaced, and I gritted my teeth when I saw the height of the

my teeth when I saw the height of the dude and his Bruins baseball backpack.

dude and his Bruins baseball backpack. Are you freaking kidding me? I couldn't

Are you freaking kidding me? I couldn't be positive, but that idiot looked a lot

be positive, but that idiot looked a lot like Wes Bennett from behind.

like Wes Bennett from behind. As if hearing me, the guy suddenly

As if hearing me, the guy suddenly whipped the scooter around and came back

whipped the scooter around and came back in the opposite direction, riding toward

in the opposite direction, riding toward me.

me. Why universe?

Why universe? It was definitely Wes. And he was

It was definitely Wes. And he was wearing his smartass grin as he

wearing his smartass grin as he scootered toward me.

scootered toward me. I cannot believe the slowpoke I almost

I cannot believe the slowpoke I almost flattened as Lizzy Bucks mound, he said,

flattened as Lizzy Bucks mound, he said, turning yet again. So now he was riding

turning yet again. So now he was riding alongside me.

alongside me. believe it, I said, and I just kept

believe it, I said, and I just kept walking, hoping he'd go away.

walking, hoping he'd go away. I'm really sorry for the near miss.

I'm really sorry for the near miss. I glanced over at him. He didn't look

I glanced over at him. He didn't look sorry as he watched me, slow riding on

sorry as he watched me, slow riding on that scooter while wearing the bratty

that scooter while wearing the bratty half smile that brought back a thousand

half smile that brought back a thousand memories I didn't want to remember.

memories I didn't want to remember. Now, he looked amused as his mouth slid

Now, he looked amused as his mouth slid into an even bigger grin.

into an even bigger grin. This is when you say that's okay, Wes.

This is when you say that's okay, Wes. No, this is when I say, "Can you go

No, this is when I say, "Can you go scooter somewhere else, Wes?"

scooter somewhere else, Wes?" His eyes were dancing when he said, "I

His eyes were dancing when he said, "I do have to get to class, so I'm going to

do have to get to class, so I'm going to let that slide." "Oh, joy," I muttered,

let that slide." "Oh, joy," I muttered, walking a little faster.

walking a little faster. But Lib, he said, his voice scratching

But Lib, he said, his voice scratching the part of my brain that used to listen

the part of my brain that used to listen to Bosy on repeat. Don't call me that, I

to Bosy on repeat. Don't call me that, I snapped, nearly speedwalking, even

snapped, nearly speedwalking, even though I knew there was no escaping him.

though I knew there was no escaping him. He sighed dramatically and said, "It was

He sighed dramatically and said, "It was really great seeing you."

really great seeing you." And then he zipped away.

And then he zipped away. It felt like my teeth were going to

It felt like my teeth were going to shatter because I was gritting them so

shatter because I was gritting them so hard as he disappeared from my line of

hard as he disappeared from my line of sight.

sight. Why is this happening to me? I'd spent

Why is this happening to me? I'd spent all of Saturday spiraling, freaking out

all of Saturday spiraling, freaking out about the fact that he was here. Every

about the fact that he was here. Every time I was able to calm down and

time I was able to calm down and convince myself it was no big deal. It's

convince myself it was no big deal. It's been years and we're both different

been years and we're both different people now. I'd picture his face when he

people now. I'd picture his face when he smirkily said, "Is that what we were?"

smirkily said, "Is that what we were?" And the rage was immediately back.

And the rage was immediately back. [ __ ]

[ __ ] because it wasn't fair that he was here.

because it wasn't fair that he was here. This was my place. Damn it. I had a life

This was my place. Damn it. I had a life that I liked at school. A life that came

that I liked at school. A life that came after the ruins of us. A life built

after the ruins of us. A life built because my first attempt had crashed and

because my first attempt had crashed and burned.

burned. So somehow the idea of Wes in close

So somehow the idea of Wes in close proximity to it felt precarious.

proximity to it felt precarious. Like his smartass it was really great

Like his smartass it was really great seeing you presence could ruin all the

seeing you presence could ruin all the little wonderfuls that I'd carefully

little wonderfuls that I'd carefully created. And God, my job and now my

created. And God, my job and now my internship was all about UCLA athletics.

internship was all about UCLA athletics. It was important to me and I was

It was important to me and I was terrified he was going to mess it up or

terrified he was going to mess it up or make me love it less. And in addition to

make me love it less. And in addition to that, how was I supposed to avoid him

that, how was I supposed to avoid him when the primary task of my vocation was

when the primary task of my vocation was to capture athletes on film and he was

to capture athletes on film and he was an athlete?

Somehow he just landed in the center of my million miles away from Omaha world

my million miles away from Omaha world and it wasn't fair.

and it wasn't fair. Clark brushed the whole thing off and

Clark brushed the whole thing off and thought I was totally overreacting.

thought I was totally overreacting. First of all, he thinks you have a

First of all, he thinks you have a boyfriend, so I'm sure he'll stay away

boyfriend, so I'm sure he'll stay away from you because I'm ridiculously

from you because I'm ridiculously intimidating. Second, it's not even

intimidating. Second, it's not even baseball season yet, so we won't do Jack

baseball season yet, so we won't do Jack with the team until spring.

with the team until spring. And if there are baseball assignments,

And if there are baseball assignments, I'll just focus on the pictures and you

I'll just focus on the pictures and you can do the rest. Problem solved.

can do the rest. Problem solved. I took a deep breath and told myself

I took a deep breath and told myself Clark was right. This was a huge school,

Clark was right. This was a huge school, so the odds were in my favor that

so the odds were in my favor that run-ins like the one we just had would

run-ins like the one we just had would be few and far between. And Clark's plan

be few and far between. And Clark's plan for Wes avoidance was totally doable.

for Wes avoidance was totally doable. It was going to be fine. This was no big

It was going to be fine. This was no big deal. A minor irritation at most. And it

deal. A minor irritation at most. And it was totally feasible that I could

was totally feasible that I could absolutely avoid any further

absolutely avoid any further interactions with West Bennett.

I'd like to embed you with the baseball team.

team. My coffee immediately went down the

My coffee immediately went down the wrong tube and I started coughing,

wrong tube and I started coughing, hacking as Lilith patiently waited for

hacking as Lilith patiently waited for me to recover.

me to recover. embed you with the baseball team.

embed you with the baseball team. Dear God, this couldn't be good. As soon

Dear God, this couldn't be good. As soon as I was able to speak, I gasped. What?

as I was able to speak, I gasped. What? She crossed her arms and said, "I'm sure

She crossed her arms and said, "I'm sure you heard that baseball America has

you heard that baseball America has determined UCLA as the number one

determined UCLA as the number one recruiting class in the nation, right?"

recruiting class in the nation, right?" Yes.

Yes. Well, your tiny little social media post

Well, your tiny little social media post of the team's preseason practice on

of the team's preseason practice on Friday got more likes than the football

Friday got more likes than the football content, and they had a game on

content, and they had a game on Saturday.

Saturday. She looked pleased, which made me beyond

She looked pleased, which made me beyond pleased.

pleased. I was also surprised that Lilith was

I was also surprised that Lilith was paying attention to the athletic

paying attention to the athletic department's social media posts, to be

department's social media posts, to be honest. The woman was on top of

honest. The woman was on top of everything.

everything. "People are excited about the baseball

"People are excited about the baseball team," she said. boosters are excited.

team," she said. boosters are excited. Everyone wants to see more of this

Everyone wants to see more of this promising bunch of players.

promising bunch of players. I rubbed the spot between my eyebrows

I rubbed the spot between my eyebrows that was getting a headache.

that was getting a headache. What um what does imbed mean in this

What um what does imbed mean in this instance exactly? I asked, trying my

instance exactly? I asked, trying my hardest to sound like I didn't have

hardest to sound like I didn't have stakes in her answer.

stakes in her answer. Did you watch Hard Knocks yet? Yes.

Did you watch Hard Knocks yet? Yes. Yesterday, I'd binge watched the latest

Yesterday, I'd binge watched the latest season, and it was a fantastic docu

season, and it was a fantastic docu series that covered the day-to-day of an

series that covered the day-to-day of an NFL team during their season. I loved

NFL team during their season. I loved it. Well, good, because that's what we

it. Well, good, because that's what we want to do with the baseball team. We

want to do with the baseball team. We want to brand this team and this

want to brand this team and this content. We haven't finalized the

content. We haven't finalized the verbiage, but I'm leaning toward Bruins

verbiage, but I'm leaning toward Bruins baseball, building a championship team.

baseball, building a championship team. Oh, I said, nodding and trying to focus

Oh, I said, nodding and trying to focus while my mind ran wild.

while my mind ran wild. We want followers to be inundated with

We want followers to be inundated with day in the life of a Bruins baseball

day in the life of a Bruins baseball player content, as well as short player

player content, as well as short player interviews to introduce this year's

interviews to introduce this year's team. I'd like for you to think of

team. I'd like for you to think of yourself as an honorary Bruin teammate

yourself as an honorary Bruin teammate and basically go to class, then

and basically go to class, then baseball, then sleep, rinse and repeat.

baseball, then sleep, rinse and repeat. I'd love to see three or four reels a

I'd love to see three or four reels a week until fall ball ends.

week until fall ball ends. What? No.

What? No. Was she seriously telling me she wanted

Was she seriously telling me she wanted me to dedicate my every waking hour to

me to dedicate my every waking hour to the baseball team? The baseball team

the baseball team? The baseball team that he was a member of. And I would

that he was a member of. And I would have to interview him.

have to interview him. I would absolutely open with the song

I would absolutely open with the song disaster in this scene if my life was a

disaster in this scene if my life was a movie.

movie. This could be a disaster. There's so

This could be a disaster. There's so many factors.

many factors. What do you think, Liz? She asked,

What do you think, Liz? She asked, looking excited.

looking excited. It sounds amazing, I lied, my stomach

It sounds amazing, I lied, my stomach filling with dread.

filling with dread. Um, so is this for the production

Um, so is this for the production department or is this No, this is all

department or is this No, this is all you. She gave me an eyebrow raise and

you. She gave me an eyebrow raise and said,

said, this is your next internship assignment.

this is your next internship assignment. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god.

Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. It's a pretty big time commitment,

It's a pretty big time commitment, though, she said, standing and coming

though, she said, standing and coming around to perch on the edge of her desk.

around to perch on the edge of her desk. I've confirmed that the general schedule

I've confirmed that the general schedule for the team is workouts at 6:30 a.m.

for the team is workouts at 6:30 a.m. every day, followed by morning classes,

every day, followed by morning classes, then position coach practices for

then position coach practices for players after lunch. Those are only

players after lunch. Those are only three times a week, thank God. After

three times a week, thank God. After that, there's actual practice every day,

that, there's actual practice every day, conditioning three times a week, and

conditioning three times a week, and then study hall to make sure the players

then study hall to make sure the players aren't falling behind. The life of a

aren't falling behind. The life of a student athlete is not for the meek.

student athlete is not for the meek. My head was spinning.

My head was spinning. How in the world was I going to do all

How in the world was I going to do all that by myself and keep up with my

that by myself and keep up with my studies and my job? It seemed

studies and my job? It seemed impossible. But I also wasn't about to

impossible. But I also wasn't about to say no. Not to Lilith.

say no. Not to Lilith. Because the thing of it was she'd

Because the thing of it was she'd already become more than a professional

already become more than a professional mentor to me. She was my hero. I didn't

mentor to me. She was my hero. I didn't know exactly how old she was, but she

know exactly how old she was, but she was young for what a powerhouse she was

was young for what a powerhouse she was at heft, as well as the work she did

at heft, as well as the work she did with the NFL. I'd seen hundreds of

with the NFL. I'd seen hundreds of pictures of her getting sideline shots

pictures of her getting sideline shots at important games like the Super Bowl,

at important games like the Super Bowl, and she was such an inspiration that I'd

and she was such an inspiration that I'd rather do almost anything than

rather do almost anything than disappoint her.

disappoint her. Even though this is your internship

Even though this is your internship assignment, it's work that the AD wants

assignment, it's work that the AD wants done. So, you'll be able to loop it

done. So, you'll be able to loop it through your job and have access to your

through your job and have access to your usual resources. He okayed pulling

usual resources. He okayed pulling someone to be your dedicated

someone to be your dedicated counterpart. So, if you have a coworker

counterpart. So, if you have a coworker you prefer teaming up with and they're

you prefer teaming up with and they're interested, let me know who that is and

interested, let me know who that is and I'll pass on the word so I can still

I'll pass on the word so I can still work with Clark. That was a relief, even

work with Clark. That was a relief, even though I was still completely

though I was still completely overwhelmed by what she was proposing.

overwhelmed by what she was proposing. Let me ask him, but I'm pretty sure

Let me ask him, but I'm pretty sure Clark Waters would totally be

Clark Waters would totally be interested. And he's great. Wonderful,

interested. And he's great. Wonderful, she said, picking up her phone to type

she said, picking up her phone to type in Clark's name. The details are still

in Clark's name. The details are still being ironed out, Liz, but it's very

being ironed out, Liz, but it's very likely this little assignment could

likely this little assignment could actually end up in the documentary.

actually end up in the documentary. What?

What? That made all other thoughts cease

That made all other thoughts cease because until now, the only thing I

because until now, the only thing I thought I'd be contributing to a

thought I'd be contributing to a legitimate film documentary was my

legitimate film documentary was my assistants.

assistants. Really? She nodded and looked up from

Really? She nodded and looked up from her phone. Obviously, my hands are the

her phone. Obviously, my hands are the ones that will be all over the film. I'm

ones that will be all over the film. I'm terribly territorial and don't like to

terribly territorial and don't like to share, to be honest. But if this

share, to be honest. But if this preseason content hits the way I think

preseason content hits the way I think it will, it'll be great to have these

it will, it'll be great to have these clips in the first act. Especially the

clips in the first act. Especially the intros.

intros. Yeah. Um, about the intros, I said,

Yeah. Um, about the intros, I said, clearing my throat, unsure exactly what

clearing my throat, unsure exactly what to say.

to say. I feel like there's something I need to

I feel like there's something I need to make you aware of.

make you aware of. >> Oh. Lilith narrowed her eyes and asked,

>> Oh. Lilith narrowed her eyes and asked, "What is it?"

"What is it?" Well, it seems that one of the players

Well, it seems that one of the players and I have a a complicated history, I

and I have a a complicated history, I guess you could say.

guess you could say. My cheeks were warm as I explained.

My cheeks were warm as I explained. I haven't seen him in years, and until

I haven't seen him in years, and until Friday, I had no idea he was even at

Friday, I had no idea he was even at UCLA, much less on the baseball team.

UCLA, much less on the baseball team. But I just feel like I should put it out

But I just feel like I should put it out there before we get started that I used

there before we get started that I used to have a relationship with West

to have a relationship with West Bennett.

Bennett. She tilted her head. The new ace.

She tilted her head. The new ace. Was that how he was being referred to?

Was that how he was being referred to? The new ace?

The new ace? Yes.

Yes. I see.

I see. She crossed her arms.

She crossed her arms. Should I be concerned by the word

Should I be concerned by the word complicated?

complicated? Are there issues I should be aware of?

Are there issues I should be aware of? No. No. I corrected, shaking my head.

No. No. I corrected, shaking my head. Nothing like that. It was totally a

Nothing like that. It was totally a normal high school dating relationship.

normal high school dating relationship. I just thought you should know in case

I just thought you should know in case you thought it was a conflict of

you thought it was a conflict of interest or something.

interest or something. I don't have any issues with it, she

I don't have any issues with it, she said slowly, giving me serious eye

said slowly, giving me serious eye contact.

contact. As long as you can work with him

As long as you can work with him professionally.

professionally. Can you?

Can you? Of course I can, I exclaimed, nodding

Of course I can, I exclaimed, nodding wildly.

wildly. It's ancient history, truly.

It's ancient history, truly. Good, she said, straightening and

Good, she said, straightening and walking back around the desk.

walking back around the desk. So, do you think you can juggle your

So, do you think you can juggle your coursework and hard knocks? How do you

coursework and hard knocks? How do you feel about this assignment?

feel about this assignment? I definitely can't juggle it all. Maybe

I definitely can't juggle it all. Maybe I can, though,

I can, though, I have no idea.

I have no idea. My anxiety riddled brain was running

My anxiety riddled brain was running wild. But when I looked at Lilith, at

wild. But when I looked at Lilith, at this inspiring woman who was all over

this inspiring woman who was all over everything,

everything, I realized that I could be, too. I mean,

I realized that I could be, too. I mean, of course, I could because I wasn't

of course, I could because I wasn't little Liz anymore.

little Liz anymore. I loved where I was in life. I loved my

I loved where I was in life. I loved my friends. I loved my school. And I was

friends. I loved my school. And I was obsessed with my internship.

obsessed with my internship. I could handle my studies and I would

I could handle my studies and I would handle this challenge because if Wes

handle this challenge because if Wes Bennett hadn't showed up a few days ago,

Bennett hadn't showed up a few days ago, I would be screaming over this

I would be screaming over this opportunity and celebrating my

opportunity and celebrating my unbelievable good luck. So, I couldn't

unbelievable good luck. So, I couldn't let someone from my past, someone I

let someone from my past, someone I hadn't seen in years ruin it for me.

hadn't seen in years ruin it for me. I can absolutely handle it, and I can't

I can absolutely handle it, and I can't wait. I smiled, meaning it, and said, "I

wait. I smiled, meaning it, and said, "I think it's time to get embedded."

Chapter 11. People do fall in love. People do belong

People do fall in love. People do belong to each other because that's the only

to each other because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness.

chance anybody's got for real happiness. Breakfast at Tiffany's.

Breakfast at Tiffany's. Wes,

Wes, easy. Woody popped up from his squat

easy. Woody popped up from his squat behind the plate and threw back the 10

behind the plate and threw back the 10 balls that been in the dirt beside him

balls that been in the dirt beside him as Ross said, "Don't give up accuracy

as Ross said, "Don't give up accuracy for speed." What the hell was that,

for speed." What the hell was that, Wesley? I caught each ball and dropped

Wesley? I caught each ball and dropped them by my feet, wiping my forehead with

them by my feet, wiping my forehead with the back of my arm. "Okay, you got this,

the back of my arm. "Okay, you got this, Bennett." Woody dropped back down and

Bennett." Woody dropped back down and held out his glove. "Let's go. Let's

held out his glove. "Let's go. Let's go." I flipped the ball, running my

go." I flipped the ball, running my index finger along the scene before

index finger along the scene before taking a deep breath to clear my head.

taking a deep breath to clear my head. Because even though my dad was dead,

Because even though my dad was dead, it'd been 2 years since he'd had the

it'd been 2 years since he'd had the heart attack in his lazy boy in front of

heart attack in his lazy boy in front of the Cubs Mets game on TV. Every time I

the Cubs Mets game on TV. Every time I pitched, he was right there with me. I

pitched, he was right there with me. I heard his voice with every bullpen I

heard his voice with every bullpen I threw. Occasionally, I heard him when I

threw. Occasionally, I heard him when I was doing well, but mostly he spoke to

was doing well, but mostly he spoke to me when I was struggling, which really

me when I was struggling, which really messed with my ability to power through

messed with my ability to power through because even though his voice was saying

because even though his voice was saying things like, "Throw him the gas." And

things like, "Throw him the gas." And basically growling about how crappy I

basically growling about how crappy I was pitching, it made me miss him so

was pitching, it made me miss him so much, which was nuts, right? How did it

much, which was nuts, right? How did it make me miss him when it reminded me of

make me miss him when it reminded me of what a psycho he'd been about baseball?

what a psycho he'd been about baseball? Wes. Ross looked at me with raised

Wes. Ross looked at me with raised eyebrows. [ __ ]

eyebrows. [ __ ] On it, I said before winding up and

On it, I said before winding up and letting loose with another fast ball.

letting loose with another fast ball. Better, he said as Woody dropped the

Better, he said as Woody dropped the ball he caught and held out his glove to

ball he caught and held out his glove to catch another.

catch another. Better, but you need to throw harder,

Better, but you need to throw harder, kid. Throw him the gas and quit being

kid. Throw him the gas and quit being soft. "Shut up," I said under my breath

soft. "Shut up," I said under my breath as I threw hard, relishing the loud

as I threw hard, relishing the loud smack of the ball hitting Woody's glove.

smack of the ball hitting Woody's glove. Okay, Ross said, taking off his baseball

Okay, Ross said, taking off his baseball cap and putting it on again. I grabbed

cap and putting it on again. I grabbed another ball, refusing to let his voice

another ball, refusing to let his voice into my head. I threw a curve this time,

into my head. I threw a curve this time, watching it drop over the plate. It was

watching it drop over the plate. It was perfect. Hell yes. And then I heard it.

perfect. Hell yes. And then I heard it. Liz's voice, laughing.

Liz's voice, laughing. Was I seriously hearing her voice now,

Was I seriously hearing her voice now, too? Another one just like that. What he

too? Another one just like that. What he said, tossing the ball to his right. I

said, tossing the ball to his right. I grabbed another ball, inhaled through my

grabbed another ball, inhaled through my nose, and let loose with a killer fast

nose, and let loose with a killer fast ball. Hell yes. Let's go, Eli yelled

ball. Hell yes. Let's go, Eli yelled from behind me, which meant the shorts

from behind me, which meant the shorts stops were here for their practice. I

stops were here for their practice. I was about to throw another one when I

was about to throw another one when I heard him say, "Did you guys get that

heard him say, "Did you guys get that curve on camera?" I turned my head and

curve on camera?" I turned my head and holy damn, there was Liz and her

holy damn, there was Liz and her boyfriend.

boyfriend. Clark and his man bun were filming my

Clark and his man bun were filming my pitching again, which bugged the piss

pitching again, which bugged the piss out of me as I stared into his video

out of me as I stared into his video camera and wondered if he could see the

camera and wondered if he could see the annoyance in my eyes. I knew I was going

annoyance in my eyes. I knew I was going to have to get used to random people

to have to get used to random people with cameras popping up to film for

with cameras popping up to film for social media, but something about him

social media, but something about him being there felt intrusive,

being there felt intrusive, irritating as hell. You have my girl.

irritating as hell. You have my girl. Isn't that enough? Liz was standing on a

Isn't that enough? Liz was standing on a step stool near Eli, wearing shorts, a

step stool near Eli, wearing shorts, a Bruins basketball t-shirt, and a pair of

Bruins basketball t-shirt, and a pair of blue hightop Converse with little smiley

blue hightop Converse with little smiley faces all over them. Her hair was pulled

faces all over them. Her hair was pulled up in a ponytail. Her eyes were covered

up in a ponytail. Her eyes were covered with Ray-B bands, and she was looking

with Ray-B bands, and she was looking down, messing with something on the long

down, messing with something on the long lens camera and her hands. Hands with

lens camera and her hands. Hands with perfectly trim blue and yellow

perfectly trim blue and yellow fingernails.

fingernails. God, she's beautiful. I hadn't seen her

God, she's beautiful. I hadn't seen her since my accidental

since my accidental sort of but not really buzzby on the

sort of but not really buzzby on the scooter last week. AJ said she'd been

scooter last week. AJ said she'd been around filming at his BP and infielders

around filming at his BP and infielders practice, but I'd somehow managed to

practice, but I'd somehow managed to miss her until now. Nice sp, Bennett,

miss her until now. Nice sp, Bennett, Ross barked, and I forced my attention

Ross barked, and I forced my attention back to pitching as he muttered. Pay

back to pitching as he muttered. Pay attention. Damn it. I was good at

attention. Damn it. I was good at shutting everything out, so I finished

shutting everything out, so I finished strong. But I didn't like the way it

strong. But I didn't like the way it felt. I used to love when Liz went to my

felt. I used to love when Liz went to my high school games because for someone

high school games because for someone who didn't enjoy sports, she got into

who didn't enjoy sports, she got into it. She wore my alternate jersey to

it. She wore my alternate jersey to every game with a flowery little skirt,

every game with a flowery little skirt, of course, and yelled things like, "You

of course, and yelled things like, "You got this, Bennett." Even though she

got this, Bennett." Even though she didn't know dick about baseball, and she

didn't know dick about baseball, and she had the most incredible feedback. I love

had the most incredible feedback. I love the way you look like you want to kill

the way you look like you want to kill the batter when you release the ball.

the batter when you release the ball. Did you know you spin the ball before

Did you know you spin the ball before every pitch? I made a list of walkup

every pitch? I made a list of walkup songs you should use in college.

songs you should use in college. I could still remember the list because

I could still remember the list because it was all songs she didn't personally

it was all songs she didn't personally enjoy, but that she felt worked for the

enjoy, but that she felt worked for the situation. I took my responsibility very

situation. I took my responsibility very seriously and chose number five, which

seriously and chose number five, which made her happy because it was her

made her happy because it was her favorite as well, even though she said

favorite as well, even though she said she'd never forgive Kanye for what he'd

she'd never forgive Kanye for what he'd done. DNA Kendrick Lamar. Trophies,

done. DNA Kendrick Lamar. Trophies, Young Money, Step into a World, KRS1,

Young Money, Step into a World, KRS1, Welcome to the Jungle, Guns and Roses,

Welcome to the Jungle, Guns and Roses, Power Kanye West.

Power Kanye West. But now I felt unsettled by her

But now I felt unsettled by her presence. Because what did she even see

presence. Because what did she even see now when she watched me? The [ __ ] she

now when she watched me? The [ __ ] she hated. Some random freshman pitcher who

hated. Some random freshman pitcher who was struggling with consistency.

was struggling with consistency. Her annoying childhood next door

Her annoying childhood next door neighbor. She wasn't by the bullpen

neighbor. She wasn't by the bullpen anymore when I grabbed my stuff. She and

anymore when I grabbed my stuff. She and her giant have moved over to film the

her giant have moved over to film the shorts stops from the third baseline.

shorts stops from the third baseline. Which is good, I reminded myself as my

Which is good, I reminded myself as my eyes sought out that shimmery red

eyes sought out that shimmery red ponytail, I don't need the distraction

ponytail, I don't need the distraction because watching them work together now

because watching them work together now that I knew they were dating and living

that I knew they were dating and living together was just too much. No amount of

together was just too much. No amount of mental toughness could keep me focused

mental toughness could keep me focused when that was happening in my line of

when that was happening in my line of sight. I was all about getting closer to

sight. I was all about getting closer to her, but I wanted nothing to do with

her, but I wanted nothing to do with close proximity to them.

close proximity to them. A couple of hours later, I found myself

A couple of hours later, I found myself dealing with it again. "For the love of

dealing with it again. "For the love of God, why are they here?" I asked,

God, why are they here?" I asked, sitting down next to Mickey and

sitting down next to Mickey and unzipping my backpack, watching as Liz

unzipping my backpack, watching as Liz squatted in front of the table where

squatted in front of the table where Wade and AJ were studying, her camera in

Wade and AJ were studying, her camera in front of her face. Her boyfriend was on

front of her face. Her boyfriend was on the other side of the room recording Eli

the other side of the room recording Eli and Luke as they studied, invading my

and Luke as they studied, invading my space with their presence. Dude, Mick

space with their presence. Dude, Mick looked at me like I was a dick. You

looked at me like I was a dick. You don't like Bxy and Clark? Mick had

don't like Bxy and Clark? Mick had gotten so hammered at Liz's party that

gotten so hammered at Liz's party that he seemed to have missed or forgotten

he seemed to have missed or forgotten the news that Liz and I used to date,

the news that Liz and I used to date, and I wasn't about to enlighten him. It

and I wasn't about to enlighten him. It was only a matter of time with Wade's

was only a matter of time with Wade's big mouth, so I just let it unfold

big mouth, so I just let it unfold organically

organically later. No, I mean, they're fine, I said,

later. No, I mean, they're fine, I said, wanting to laugh at the detached way I'd

wanting to laugh at the detached way I'd said the word fine, as if I was talking

said the word fine, as if I was talking about the lighting in the study room or

about the lighting in the study room or something I had absolutely no opinion

something I had absolutely no opinion on. But it seems weird they'd be making

on. But it seems weird they'd be making Tik Toks about a team study hall. Like,

Tik Toks about a team study hall. Like, who wants that [ __ ] on their feed? Oh,

who wants that [ __ ] on their feed? Oh, it's way bigger than that, he whispered,

it's way bigger than that, he whispered, a smug grin landing on his face. They're

a smug grin landing on his face. They're doing a whole big content thing about

doing a whole big content thing about us. Liz and Clark are baseball dedicated

us. Liz and Clark are baseball dedicated now. What? The athletic department, he

now. What? The athletic department, he said quietly, but I could tell he was

said quietly, but I could tell he was excited. Wants to do a pre-season series

excited. Wants to do a pre-season series about the baseball team. So, those two

about the baseball team. So, those two are going to follow us around like all

are going to follow us around like all the time until fall ball ends. Talk

the time until fall ball ends. Talk about a distraction, I said, taking out

about a distraction, I said, taking out my laptop and calmly speaking as if it

my laptop and calmly speaking as if it was no big deal. Even though my brain

was no big deal. Even though my brain was running in a hundred different

was running in a hundred different directions, jumping up and down and

directions, jumping up and down and shouting. Because Liz being around all

shouting. Because Liz being around all the time was huge, like a golden

the time was huge, like a golden opportunity to make some headway with

opportunity to make some headway with her, but not with her boyfriend beside

her, but not with her boyfriend beside her for God's sake. I mean, wasn't it

her for God's sake. I mean, wasn't it enough that I'd given her up and walked

enough that I'd given her up and walked away? Now I was supposed to spend time

away? Now I was supposed to spend time with her every day and watch her work

with her every day and watch her work closely with Clark. Not going to lie, I

closely with Clark. Not going to lie, I won't mind having Liz around all the

won't mind having Liz around all the time. Yeah, that doesn't help either. I

time. Yeah, that doesn't help either. I swallowed and didn't look up as I opened

swallowed and didn't look up as I opened my computer and gave Mick a

my computer and gave Mick a non-committal, "Yeah." There was a smile

non-committal, "Yeah." There was a smile in his voice when he said, "I don't know

in his voice when he said, "I don't know what she was like as a little kid when

what she was like as a little kid when you knew her, but she's cool as hell

you knew her, but she's cool as hell now. What was she like?" For some

now. What was she like?" For some reason, my mind immediately ran to that

reason, my mind immediately ran to that night on the beach two summers ago. The

night on the beach two summers ago. The night that was now permanently hardwired

night that was now permanently hardwired in my brain, the same way breathing and

in my brain, the same way breathing and talking were. I could still feel that

talking were. I could still feel that night in my bones. I swear to God. It

night in my bones. I swear to God. It was 2 days after we arrived in LA, and

was 2 days after we arrived in LA, and we'd been so geeked out about living in

we'd been so geeked out about living in California that we grabbed a blanket,

California that we grabbed a blanket, found a beach where we could make a

found a beach where we could make a fire, and spent hours there that night,

fire, and spent hours there that night, doing nothing but being together on the

doing nothing but being together on the sand. I could still see the glow of the

sand. I could still see the glow of the fire reflected in her eyes, and I could

fire reflected in her eyes, and I could almost hear the waves and the soft music

almost hear the waves and the soft music coming from her Bluetooth speaker. I

coming from her Bluetooth speaker. I remember thinking I had you. She was

remember thinking I had you. She was cool, I said. And she definitely wasn't

cool, I said. And she definitely wasn't always a little kid when I knew her.

always a little kid when I knew her. Isn't that right, Truck Nuts? Mickey

Isn't that right, Truck Nuts? Mickey yelled around a laugh. What's that? Wade

yelled around a laugh. What's that? Wade yelled back from the other side of the

yelled back from the other side of the room. I was telling Bennett here that

room. I was telling Bennett here that Liz is my hero. Wonderful. I was

Liz is my hero. Wonderful. I was positive Liz was looking our way, and

positive Liz was looking our way, and her clerk surely was, too. But I was

her clerk surely was, too. But I was keeping my head down and pretending I

keeping my head down and pretending I had no idea what was going on outside my

had no idea what was going on outside my laptop. WDE said, "Just because our girl

laptop. WDE said, "Just because our girl gave me a garbage nickname doesn't mean

gave me a garbage nickname doesn't mean she's a hero." Says you. I heard Liz

she's a hero." Says you. I heard Liz mumble as she kept filming. "Yeah, says

mumble as she kept filming. "Yeah, says you," Mickey said, grinning. He leaned

you," Mickey said, grinning. He leaned closer to me and said quietly. He tried

closer to me and said quietly. He tried hitting on her last year. And she said

hitting on her last year. And she said he was the human embodiment of plastic

he was the human embodiment of plastic truck nuts. Obnoxious and tryhard is

truck nuts. Obnoxious and tryhard is what she called him. "He didn't get

what she called him. "He didn't get mad?" I asked, my voice almost a

mad?" I asked, my voice almost a whisper, trying to imagine Liz saying

whisper, trying to imagine Liz saying something so ballsy. It seemed way too

something so ballsy. It seemed way too bold for her. How could he when it was

bold for her. How could he when it was her saying it? What do you mean? Because

her saying it? What do you mean? Because she's usually so sweet? I asked, my lips

she's usually so sweet? I asked, my lips barely moving because I didn't want her

barely moving because I didn't want her to think I was talking about her. No, he

to think I was talking about her. No, he said, squinting like that was

said, squinting like that was ridiculous. It was pretty on brand for

ridiculous. It was pretty on brand for her, honestly. Which was why he couldn't

her, honestly. Which was why he couldn't be mad. She's like one of the guys. It'd

be mad. She's like one of the guys. It'd be like you saying it to him. Like one

be like you saying it to him. Like one of the guys. I could tell he didn't mean

of the guys. I could tell he didn't mean it in a sexist, not like other girls

it in a sexist, not like other girls way, but like he legitimately considered

way, but like he legitimately considered her just some dude he knew. "But Liz was

her just some dude he knew. "But Liz was not capable of being one of the guys,

not capable of being one of the guys, was she?" "You're telling me that a girl

was she?" "You're telling me that a girl who looks like that," I said, even

who looks like that," I said, even quieter than before, is thought of as

quieter than before, is thought of as one of the guys. He shrugged. "She

one of the guys. He shrugged. "She doesn't date, doesn't take any crap, is

doesn't date, doesn't take any crap, is hilarious, and she's great at what she

hilarious, and she's great at what she does. She's dating Clark, remember? I

does. She's dating Clark, remember? I still can't believe that. He screwed his

still can't believe that. He screwed his face together like he didn't get it. So,

face together like he didn't get it. So, I guess she didn't date until now. I did

I guess she didn't date until now. I did glance over then, and Clark was standing

glance over then, and Clark was standing next to her, saying something that was

next to her, saying something that was making her smile. The smile that I

making her smile. The smile that I hadn't seen in so long. Her undiluted

hadn't seen in so long. Her undiluted happy smile. God, that smile. I stared,

happy smile. God, that smile. I stared, frozen, just memorizing the curve of her

frozen, just memorizing the curve of her mouth. I felt more than jealousy as she

mouth. I felt more than jealousy as she gifted him that grin. I felt hungry,

gifted him that grin. I felt hungry, desperate, like he was getting a lavish

desperate, like he was getting a lavish buffet of something I was starving for,

buffet of something I was starving for, like he was rolling around in piles of

like he was rolling around in piles of money while I begged for pennies, like

money while I begged for pennies, like he'd won the lottery and was making me

he'd won the lottery and was making me watch him claim the prize. Her eyes

watch him claim the prize. Her eyes shifted, found mine. [ __ ] I winked.

shifted, found mine. [ __ ] I winked. What the hell are you doing, you tool?

What the hell are you doing, you tool? And attempted to go back to studying.

And attempted to go back to studying. Waters," Mickey said, his voice freaking

Waters," Mickey said, his voice freaking loud. "How'd you get Bxie to go out with

loud. "How'd you get Bxie to go out with you?" Every head in the study hall

you?" Every head in the study hall turned in their direction. "Are you

turned in their direction. "Are you kidding me?" I heard Eli say from the

kidding me?" I heard Eli say from the other side of the room. "Bucks and the

other side of the room. "Bucks and the Giant?" Liz blinked fast, those green

Giant?" Liz blinked fast, those green eyes looking guilty as her cheeks got

eyes looking guilty as her cheeks got instantly pink. Clark, on the other

instantly pink. Clark, on the other hand, smiled proudly and put his arm

hand, smiled proudly and put his arm around Liz. Yes, we're talking, but

around Liz. Yes, we're talking, but kindly mind your own business, okay? I

kindly mind your own business, okay? I hate him. I don't care that he's nice. I

hate him. I don't care that he's nice. I [ __ ] hate him. Also, why did he have

[ __ ] hate him. Also, why did he have to hang all over her like that with his

to hang all over her like that with his giant ape arms? Give the girls some

giant ape arms? Give the girls some breathing room. She couldn't like it. I

breathing room. She couldn't like it. I mean, who would want the weight of that

mean, who would want the weight of that ridiculous arm on their shoulders.

ridiculous arm on their shoulders. How long has this been going on? Eli

How long has this been going on? Eli asked undeterred. Bxy. It's new, Liz

asked undeterred. Bxy. It's new, Liz said, shrugging. Now, shut up so I can

said, shrugging. Now, shut up so I can take pictures of you geniuses studying.

take pictures of you geniuses studying. Okay. I used my fingerprint to unlock my

Okay. I used my fingerprint to unlock my Mac and clicked into email, trying to

Mac and clicked into email, trying to get control over the way my gut felt

get control over the way my gut felt when that Neanderthal started laughing

when that Neanderthal started laughing like everything was hilarious.

like everything was hilarious. I needed to be studying, not creepily

I needed to be studying, not creepily watching Liz as she smiled at someone.

watching Liz as she smiled at someone. Focus, you jackass.

Focus, you jackass. I was looking for the email from my

I was looking for the email from my speech professor about our group

speech professor about our group project, but the first message I saw was

project, but the first message I saw was from someone named Lilith Grossman, and

from someone named Lilith Grossman, and the subject was interview. I had no idea

the subject was interview. I had no idea who that was, but when I opened it, I

who that was, but when I opened it, I found out quick. Anger filled my chest

found out quick. Anger filled my chest as I read the message.

as I read the message. From Lilith Grossman, LG Grossman.com.

From Lilith Grossman, LG Grossman.com. Date September 29 at 4:53 p.m. Subject

Date September 29 at 4:53 p.m. Subject interview. Two, W. Bennett at

interview. Two, W. Bennett at athletics.ucla.net.

Hi, Wes. As you know, the production department will be creating a content

department will be creating a content series for the baseball program. I

series for the baseball program. I believe the coaching staff notified the

believe the coaching staff notified the team of my staff's all access pass to

team of my staff's all access pass to all things baseball, and this will also

all things baseball, and this will also include player interviews for a meet the

include player interviews for a meet the team segment, which we will begin

team segment, which we will begin scheduling in the next week. I wanted to

scheduling in the next week. I wanted to reach out to you personally because, as

reach out to you personally because, as I'm sure you're aware, the fans are very

I'm sure you're aware, the fans are very excited to have you at UCLA. Not only

excited to have you at UCLA. Not only are you an amazing athlete with a

are you an amazing athlete with a promising career, but your story is one

promising career, but your story is one that makes people root for you. Please

that makes people root for you. Please let your coaches know your availability.

let your coaches know your availability. We're excited to chat with you, and I

We're excited to chat with you, and I can't wait to dive into this and create

can't wait to dive into this and create a really beautiful story about life,

a really beautiful story about life, loss, and carrying on. Best, Lilith

loss, and carrying on. Best, Lilith Grossman, creative content producer.

Grossman, creative content producer. I felt like I'd been punched in the

I felt like I'd been punched in the chest as I read it again. life loss and

chest as I read it again. life loss and carrying on. Was this Lilith person

carrying on. Was this Lilith person serious? She wanted me to dive into my

serious? She wanted me to dive into my really beautiful story. I wanted to rage

really beautiful story. I wanted to rage as I stared at my computer screen. I

as I stared at my computer screen. I could accept the privacy invasion for

could accept the privacy invasion for something that the entire team was being

something that the entire team was being subjected to. But if she thought I was

subjected to. But if she thought I was going to include my dad's death in my

going to include my dad's death in my intro to bump up her ratings, she had

intro to bump up her ratings, she had another thing coming. The nerve of this

another thing coming. The nerve of this stranger. Screw that, I said under my

stranger. Screw that, I said under my breath. Huh? Mickey said, not looking up

breath. Huh? Mickey said, not looking up from whatever he was working on. I

from whatever he was working on. I gritted my teeth and tried to calm down

gritted my teeth and tried to calm down to not be pissed. But I was just so

to not be pissed. But I was just so tired. Everyone wanted to romanticize my

tired. Everyone wanted to romanticize my story, to act like it was this charming

story, to act like it was this charming story arc that went something like, "Boy

story arc that went something like, "Boy has everything and loses it. Boy works

has everything and loses it. Boy works hard. Boy gets it all back. The end."

hard. Boy gets it all back. The end." But the reality was more like, "Boy does

But the reality was more like, "Boy does something that causes his family to lose

something that causes his family to lose everything. Boy destroys girl in the

everything. Boy destroys girl in the process. Boy goes home because he has no

process. Boy goes home because he has no other choice. Boy hits rock bottom. Boy

other choice. Boy hits rock bottom. Boy works his ass off. Boy gets back. But

works his ass off. Boy gets back. But now can he stay back? That question was

now can he stay back? That question was the stuff of my nightmares. What if I

the stuff of my nightmares. What if I get injured? What if my arm goes out and

get injured? What if my arm goes out and I lose my scholarship before I finish

I lose my scholarship before I finish school? D1 sports were cutthroat. I'd

school? D1 sports were cutthroat. I'd learned that firsthand. If I tanked and

learned that firsthand. If I tanked and a better pitcher was available, they

a better pitcher was available, they wouldn't think twice about telling me

wouldn't think twice about telling me not to return next year. The coaches

not to return next year. The coaches pretended we were all one big happy

pretended we were all one big happy family, but I'd lose my spot so damn

family, but I'd lose my spot so damn fast if I didn't perform.

fast if I didn't perform. Nothing. I clicked into the search

Nothing. I clicked into the search window and typed in my professor's name.

window and typed in my professor's name. The athletic department might require

The athletic department might require the team to let Liz and her boyfriend

the team to let Liz and her boyfriend film everything, but there was no way in

film everything, but there was no way in hell they were going to force me to talk

hell they were going to force me to talk about everything that happened with my

about everything that happened with my father.

Chapter 12. Not that you're not attractive, it's

Not that you're not attractive, it's just that maybe you're not that

just that maybe you're not that attractive to me. Holiday

attractive to me. Holiday Liz.

The federal statute of limitations for music copyright infringement is 3 years,

music copyright infringement is 3 years, but there is a circuit split on whether

but there is a circuit split on whether discovery is taken into consideration

discovery is taken into consideration when the plaintiff becomes aware or

when the plaintiff becomes aware or reasonably should have become aware of

reasonably should have become aware of the infringement.

the infringement. I was trying to read my notes about

I was trying to read my notes about Arnstein versus Porter at one of the

Arnstein versus Porter at one of the tables in the library, but my eyes

tables in the library, but my eyes didn't want to stay open.

didn't want to stay open. It was dark outside, raining, and the

It was dark outside, raining, and the building was pretty empty, which was

building was pretty empty, which was exactly what I needed for concentration,

exactly what I needed for concentration, but didn't exactly help my tiredness.

but didn't exactly help my tiredness. We'd been embedded for a full week now.

We'd been embedded for a full week now. Clark was all in on being my partner,

Clark was all in on being my partner, and tonight he was covering baseball

and tonight he was covering baseball study hall by himself, so I could get

study hall by himself, so I could get some actual studying done.

some actual studying done. Ironically, the study halls that forced

Ironically, the study halls that forced the players to keep up with their

the players to keep up with their coursework were taking up every minute

coursework were taking up every minute of my study time, making me fall behind

of my study time, making me fall behind already. I had a test in the morning

already. I had a test in the morning over text I'd yet to read, which was

over text I'd yet to read, which was never good. I grabbed my Red Bull

never good. I grabbed my Red Bull because it was 8:30, but felt like 2:00

because it was 8:30, but felt like 2:00 a.m. and I was taking a drink when I saw

a.m. and I was taking a drink when I saw him.

him. was

was immediately Everywhere by Nile Horn

immediately Everywhere by Nile Horn queued up in my brain because it was the

queued up in my brain because it was the only song I could possibly assign to

only song I could possibly assign to this moment.

this moment. Feels like every time I turn a corner,

Feels like every time I turn a corner, you're standing right there

you're standing right there because kill me now, Wes was studying at

because kill me now, Wes was studying at a table over by the windows.

a table over by the windows. What the hell is he doing here?

What the hell is he doing here? I liked studying in the music library as

I liked studying in the music library as opposed to Powell because it was small

opposed to Powell because it was small and quiet and lacking in people who

and quiet and lacking in people who might distract me. But why would he be

might distract me. But why would he be there? He wasn't a music student and I

there? He wasn't a music student and I was pretty sure he was a South Campus

was pretty sure he was a South Campus guy if he was still going for

guy if he was still going for engineering.

engineering. In addition to that, I knew he was a

In addition to that, I knew he was a freshman. So, how had he even stumbled

freshman. So, how had he even stumbled upon this spot?

upon this spot? He had on glasses. He only wore those

He had on glasses. He only wore those when his eyes got tired and his blue

when his eyes got tired and his blue baseball cap was on backward, making him

baseball cap was on backward, making him look

look so annoying because what were the odds?

so annoying because what were the odds? How long had he been there? I wanted to

How long had he been there? I wanted to scream because it was ridiculous. How

scream because it was ridiculous. How was it that he'd been entirely absent

was it that he'd been entirely absent from my life for almost 2 years and now

from my life for almost 2 years and now all of a sudden he was popping up every

all of a sudden he was popping up every time I went anywhere?

time I went anywhere? And shouldn't he be at the baseball

And shouldn't he be at the baseball study hall right now?

study hall right now? He was looking in my general area, but

He was looking in my general area, but hopefully he hadn't noticed me because I

hopefully he hadn't noticed me because I still didn't know how to act around him.

still didn't know how to act around him. Clark was a champ and had been doing

Clark was a champ and had been doing most of the filming that was

most of the filming that was Westentered, so I hadn't had any

Westentered, so I hadn't had any one-on-one interactions with him since

one-on-one interactions with him since the day he tried running me down with

the day he tried running me down with his scooter. Thank God. But Lilith

his scooter. Thank God. But Lilith wanted me to help her with the intros

wanted me to help her with the intros next week. So I needed to begin the

next week. So I needed to begin the process of reaching out to the players

process of reaching out to the players to schedule our meetings. Players that

to schedule our meetings. Players that included sigh that guy over there in the

included sigh that guy over there in the glasses.

glasses. When I wasn't near him, I was able to

When I wasn't near him, I was able to think very adulty about the whole thing.

think very adulty about the whole thing. Last night, I lay in bed thinking things

Last night, I lay in bed thinking things like, "It's been 2 years. That was a

like, "It's been 2 years. That was a long time ago." and he doesn't matter to

long time ago." and he doesn't matter to me anymore.

me anymore. We were in the past and he was simply

We were in the past and he was simply someone I used to know.

someone I used to know. But for some reason, the second he

But for some reason, the second he appeared in a room, those thoughts left

appeared in a room, those thoughts left my head. They disappeared. And all I was

my head. They disappeared. And all I was left with was the confusing way it felt

left with was the confusing way it felt like I still hated him.

like I still hated him. I didn't care anymore. So why did his

I didn't care anymore. So why did his face make me want to hurt him?

face make me want to hurt him? It could have something to do with the

It could have something to do with the cocky expression he's always wearing.

cocky expression he's always wearing. I mean, yes, it had been years and we

I mean, yes, it had been years and we were both over the mess of us, but

were both over the mess of us, but shouldn't he at least look like he felt

shouldn't he at least look like he felt the tiniest bit guilty when we ran into

the tiniest bit guilty when we ran into each other?

each other? I went back to staring at my book,

I went back to staring at my book, hoping he'd disappear while I read the

hoping he'd disappear while I read the text,

text, but I read one paragraph before I heard,

but I read one paragraph before I heard, >> "I know you saw me.

>> "I know you saw me. I glanced over and yes, he was talking

I glanced over and yes, he was talking to me. It would have been yelling

to me. It would have been yelling anywhere else, talking to someone from a

anywhere else, talking to someone from a few tables over, but in the nearly empty

few tables over, but in the nearly empty library, he wasn't even raising his

library, he wasn't even raising his voice.

voice. How come you aren't at the study hall? I

How come you aren't at the study hall? I asked, my eyes going back to the book.

asked, my eyes going back to the book. Don't look at his face. His glasses were

Don't look at his face. His glasses were like Medusa's snakes, capable of turning

like Medusa's snakes, capable of turning my already stone heart into something

my already stone heart into something squishy or something [ __ ]

squishy or something [ __ ] I needed a break from all the

I needed a break from all the togetherness.

togetherness. I heard him clear his throat before he

I heard him clear his throat before he asked, "How come you aren't?" "It's none

asked, "How come you aren't?" "It's none of your business," was what I felt like

of your business," was what I felt like screaming.

screaming. But I politely said

But I politely said I needed to study. Clark's there.

I needed to study. Clark's there. Ah, yes, of course, he said, his voice

Ah, yes, of course, he said, his voice thick with sarcasm as I heard him close

thick with sarcasm as I heard him close his book.

his book. Your boyfriend Clark.

Your boyfriend Clark. I rolled my eyes and kept reading, not

I rolled my eyes and kept reading, not wanting to do this or anything. I just

wanting to do this or anything. I just wanted him to disappear.

wanted him to disappear. You said it's new, right? He asked. You

You said it's new, right? He asked. You and Clark are new.

and Clark are new. I sighed and kept my eyes on the page.

I sighed and kept my eyes on the page. Yes.

Yes. How new are we talking a couple days?

How new are we talking a couple days? Couple weeks.

Couple weeks. His voice trailed off as if he expected

His voice trailed off as if he expected me to jump in and answer.

me to jump in and answer. And I was not prepared to do that.

And I was not prepared to do that. Partially because he didn't deserve to

Partially because he didn't deserve to know anything about my life. The dick.

know anything about my life. The dick. And partially because I had no freaking

And partially because I had no freaking idea how long my fake boyfriend and I

idea how long my fake boyfriend and I were supposed to have been fake dating.

I'm not doing this, I said, raising my eyes and glancing his way. I need to

eyes and glancing his way. I need to study.

study. God, those glasses.

God, those glasses. Yeah, he said slow nodding as he put his

Yeah, he said slow nodding as he put his book in his backpack and zipped it up.

book in his backpack and zipped it up. So, you should maybe just answer

So, you should maybe just answer quickly.

quickly. How new?

How new? No, I snapped.

No, I snapped. How did he think he had any right to ask

How did he think he had any right to ask any question about my life?

any question about my life? My love life is none of your business.

My love life is none of your business. Oh, love life? he asked, narrowing his

Oh, love life? he asked, narrowing his eyes as his mouth got that old familiar

eyes as his mouth got that old familiar teasing smirk. He slung his backpack

teasing smirk. He slung his backpack over his shoulder and said,

over his shoulder and said, "You consider him love life material."

"You consider him love life material." I closed my book and shoved it into my

I closed my book and shoved it into my bag, stood because I needed to get out

bag, stood because I needed to get out of there.

of there. I'm going to go study. Have a great

I'm going to go study. Have a great night.

night. I grabbed my backpack and took one step

I grabbed my backpack and took one step before he ran over and grabbed my arm.

before he ran over and grabbed my arm. Wait, Liz, I'm sorry.

Wait, Liz, I'm sorry. I couldn't take a deep breath as he

I couldn't take a deep breath as he looked down at me. So close as his

looked down at me. So close as his fingers burned their impressions into

fingers burned their impressions into the skin he was touching.

the skin he was touching. He smelled the same. How does he smell

He smelled the same. How does he smell the same? And my heart started racing.

the same? And my heart started racing. Dark eyes slid over my face, making me

Dark eyes slid over my face, making me feel weak.

feel weak. Weak. Too weak. Oh god.

Weak. Too weak. Oh god. Before he said in a deep, quiet voice,

Before he said in a deep, quiet voice, "It's none of my business,

"It's none of my business, and I didn't mean to be an asshole."

and I didn't mean to be an asshole." I breathed in through my nose, hating

I breathed in through my nose, hating the way my heart raced as I smelled the

the way my heart raced as I smelled the Altoids on his breath.

Altoids on his breath. Okay,

Okay, you ready, Lizard?

you ready, Lizard? I gasped, jerked out of the moment by

I gasped, jerked out of the moment by Clark, who had somehow appeared out of

Clark, who had somehow appeared out of thin air.

thin air. "Yes," I said, hating the way my voice

"Yes," I said, hating the way my voice wavered as Wes dropped his hand, and I

wavered as Wes dropped his hand, and I stepped away from him and closer to

stepped away from him and closer to Clark.

Clark. Ross was pissed you skipped study hall,

Ross was pissed you skipped study hall, bro. Clark said, grinning at Wes like

bro. Clark said, grinning at Wes like they were besties as water literally

they were besties as water literally dripped from his long hair.

dripped from his long hair. He was all, "Where the hell is Bennett?"

He was all, "Where the hell is Bennett?" I texted him. "We're good," Wes said. A

I texted him. "We're good," Wes said. A crease forming between his eyebrows.

crease forming between his eyebrows. "That's great news because now that

"That's great news because now that we're on your jock 24/7, I don't want

we're on your jock 24/7, I don't want you to get suspended and ruin the fun.

you to get suspended and ruin the fun. Ever since I'd told him that it was fine

Ever since I'd told him that it was fine for him to like Wes, that it wouldn't

for him to like Wes, that it wouldn't bother me in the least if he fanboyed

bother me in the least if he fanboyed over my ex, as long as he kept up our

over my ex, as long as he kept up our charade, because I was totally over him.

charade, because I was totally over him. Clark was an absolute goof. His baseball

Clark was an absolute goof. His baseball obsession made him behave like an

obsession made him behave like an adolescent super fan. "Are you going to

adolescent super fan. "Are you going to In-N-Out?"

In-N-Out?" "What?"

"What?" Wes asked, looking from Clark to me as

Wes asked, looking from Clark to me as if he was confused.

if he was confused. I imagine it seemed a little bonkers

I imagine it seemed a little bonkers that my boyfriend was a Westan and not

that my boyfriend was a Westan and not the least bit jealous of our past.

the least bit jealous of our past. But then our eyes met and held for a

But then our eyes met and held for a second. And I wondered if Wes was

second. And I wondered if Wes was remembering how we once called the

remembering how we once called the In-N-Out closest to campus our In-N-Out.

In-N-Out closest to campus our In-N-Out. Doubtful, I thought, turning my gaze

Doubtful, I thought, turning my gaze toward Clark.

toward Clark. Some of the guys are going to get food,

Some of the guys are going to get food, he explained. So, I was going to grab

he explained. So, I was going to grab Liz and head that way since I drove

Liz and head that way since I drove here. You can catch a ride with us. No,

here. You can catch a ride with us. No, no,

no, I said I kind of wanted to go home now.

I said I kind of wanted to go home now. So, maybe you want me to drop you off?

So, maybe you want me to drop you off? Clark asked, totally missing my attempt

Clark asked, totally missing my attempt for us to ditch Wes.

for us to ditch Wes. "Yeah, if you're too tired, you should

"Yeah, if you're too tired, you should absolutely go home." Wes said, nodding

absolutely go home." Wes said, nodding and looking like he definitely didn't

and looking like he definitely didn't want me to go.

want me to go. He seemed downright smug when he said,

He seemed downright smug when he said, "It's just burgers and fries, Bugs Bomb.

"It's just burgers and fries, Bugs Bomb. You won't miss any exciting moments."

You won't miss any exciting moments." You'd like that, wouldn't you? Actually,

You'd like that, wouldn't you? Actually, I am a little hungry, I said. Not at all

I am a little hungry, I said. Not at all interested in going, but very definitely

interested in going, but very definitely interested in not letting Wes Bennett

interested in not letting Wes Bennett dictate what I was doing. I lifted my

dictate what I was doing. I lifted my chin and said, "I guess we could go for

chin and said, "I guess we could go for a little bit." Awesome,"

a little bit." Awesome," Clark said, beaming, oblivious to the

Clark said, beaming, oblivious to the way Wes smirked at me like he knew what

way Wes smirked at me like he knew what I was thinking and the way I glared back

I was thinking and the way I glared back at him like I was trying to make him

at him like I was trying to make him spontaneously combust with the heat of

spontaneously combust with the heat of my hatred.

my hatred. "Let's go, kids."

"Let's go, kids." As he turned and headed for the door

As he turned and headed for the door without waiting for me, obviously

without waiting for me, obviously forgetting I was his fake girlfriend,

forgetting I was his fake girlfriend, I made the mistake of glancing at Wes,

I made the mistake of glancing at Wes, who was looking at me with a wow, nice

who was looking at me with a wow, nice boyfriend half smile on his face that

boyfriend half smile on his face that made me want to elbow him. "I can't

made me want to elbow him. "I can't believe you're getting the truck so I

believe you're getting the truck so I don't have to walk through the rain,

don't have to walk through the rain, hun," I said in a sweet voice, trying to

hun," I said in a sweet voice, trying to imply that my boyfriend did thoughtful

imply that my boyfriend did thoughtful things like this for me all the time.

things like this for me all the time. Thank you.

Thank you. I swear to God, I heard Wes mockingly

I swear to God, I heard Wes mockingly mutter. Hun. Just before Clark stopped

mutter. Hun. Just before Clark stopped and turned around.

and turned around. He was the worst actor because I watched

He was the worst actor because I watched confusion cross his face

confusion cross his face before a bell went off in his brain and

before a bell went off in his brain and he nodded.

he nodded. Of course, baby girl.

Of course, baby girl. Baby girl. Ew.

Baby girl. Ew. Such a gross pet name. One I was

Such a gross pet name. One I was positive Wes would be laughing at if I

positive Wes would be laughing at if I were to look at him. Don't look at him.

were to look at him. Don't look at him. I inhaled through my nose and calmly

I inhaled through my nose and calmly said. I love the way you're so

said. I love the way you're so thoughtful. I'll just wait at the door

thoughtful. I'll just wait at the door while you go get the truck.

while you go get the truck. Yeah, me too. Wes said. That made my

Yeah, me too. Wes said. That made my head whip toward him in shock. What?

head whip toward him in shock. What? He shrugged and looked positively

He shrugged and looked positively pleased with himself.

pleased with himself. I forgot my umbrella. "You're good,

I forgot my umbrella. "You're good, Bennett. No need for more than one

Bennett. No need for more than one person to get drenched," Clark said,

person to get drenched," Clark said, pushing open the door. "I'll be right

pushing open the door. "I'll be right back, guys."

back, guys." I clutched the shoulder strap of my

I clutched the shoulder strap of my backpack and stared straight ahead,

backpack and stared straight ahead, looking out at the rain while wishing

looking out at the rain while wishing the guy to my right would disappear.

the guy to my right would disappear. This is unbelievable.

This is unbelievable. What were the odds he wouldn't talk? Was

What were the odds he wouldn't talk? Was there a shot that he'd just stand there

there a shot that he'd just stand there and look at his phone like a normal

and look at his phone like a normal human whose presence wasn't welcome?

human whose presence wasn't welcome? >> So, does he know about us?

>> So, does he know about us? >> Yeah, I didn't think so. I sighed and

>> Yeah, I didn't think so. I sighed and tilted my head, trying to crack my very

tilted my head, trying to crack my very tense neck. I didn't want to look at

tense neck. I didn't want to look at him, so I kept my eyes on the door when

him, so I kept my eyes on the door when I said, "What

I said, "What the big guy from your love life out

the big guy from your love life out there?" he said with mockery in his

there?" he said with mockery in his voice.

voice. Does he know about our past?

Does he know about our past? I did look at him then. And I don't know

I did look at him then. And I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't

what I expected, but it wasn't sincerity.

sincerity. Yet there he stood in those damn glasses

Yet there he stood in those damn glasses and his blue Bruins baseball cap,

and his blue Bruins baseball cap, looking at me like he was genuinely

looking at me like he was genuinely curious as to whether or not Clark knew

curious as to whether or not Clark knew about our relationship. Of course he

about our relationship. Of course he does," I said breezily,

does," I said breezily, not really knowing what I was going for

not really knowing what I was going for when I added, "I tell him everything. He

when I added, "I tell him everything. He absolutely knows that we dated for a few

absolutely knows that we dated for a few months in high school."

months in high school." His face lost its softness, his mouth

His face lost its softness, his mouth flattening into a serious line as his

flattening into a serious line as his jaw flexed.

jaw flexed. "Is that seriously how you think of it?"

"Is that seriously how you think of it?" For a second, it all came back. I stared

For a second, it all came back. I stared at his face and felt faint as everything

at his face and felt faint as everything that had ever happened between us rushed

that had ever happened between us rushed at me. Ketchup hearts and raindrop

at me. Ketchup hearts and raindrop kisses,

kisses, Gracie Abrams and tear soaked goodbyes.

Gracie Abrams and tear soaked goodbyes. Noah con on repeat for months.

Noah con on repeat for months. My breath was stuck in my chest as the

My breath was stuck in my chest as the past hit me like a wave.

past hit me like a wave. I don't think of it, I said, shrugging

I don't think of it, I said, shrugging and doing an incredible job of sounding

and doing an incredible job of sounding absolutely unaffected.

absolutely unaffected. Because I wasn't affected.

Because I wasn't affected. Damn it,

Damn it, I said.

I said. It's ancient history.

It's ancient history. His jaw flexed again, but his demeanor

His jaw flexed again, but his demeanor changed

changed like he had an idea. God help me. His

like he had an idea. God help me. His eyes got a teasing glint and he said,

eyes got a teasing glint and he said, "So it's totally water under the bridge

"So it's totally water under the bridge now." I saw the truck pulling up and

now." I saw the truck pulling up and said, "Why wouldn't it be? It's been

said, "Why wouldn't it be? It's been years."

years." "Well, that is excellent news,"

"Well, that is excellent news," I heard him say as I pushed open the

I heard him say as I pushed open the door.

door. I took a step outside, ready to be

I took a step outside, ready to be drenched by the rain. But the second I

drenched by the rain. But the second I exited the building, Wes's backpack was

exited the building, Wes's backpack was over my head.

over my head. I looked to my right and he was holding

I looked to my right and he was holding it over my hair with one hand, his eyes

it over my hair with one hand, his eyes in front of him like he wasn't even

in front of him like he wasn't even thinking about it. He was keeping me dry

thinking about it. He was keeping me dry on autopilot.

on autopilot. "Don't overthink it, Bucks bomb," he

"Don't overthink it, Bucks bomb," he said, still not looking at me while

said, still not looking at me while reading my mind. "I'd do it for anyone."

reading my mind. "I'd do it for anyone." I ignored that and my stupid fluttery

I ignored that and my stupid fluttery stomach as I pulled open the passenger

stomach as I pulled open the passenger door of Clark's old Dodge truck.

door of Clark's old Dodge truck. But as soon as I looked inside, I sighed

But as soon as I looked inside, I sighed yet again because his truck had a bench

yet again because his truck had a bench seat, which meant I'd be squished in the

seat, which meant I'd be squished in the middle of a Wesson Clark front seat

middle of a Wesson Clark front seat sandwich. I'd ridden in his vehicle many

sandwich. I'd ridden in his vehicle many times, but I'd never paid attention to

times, but I'd never paid attention to the logistics of the decades old Dodge.

the logistics of the decades old Dodge. "Until now."

"Until now." "Need a boost?" I heard from behind me.

"Need a boost?" I heard from behind me. No, thank you, I said through gritted

No, thank you, I said through gritted teeth as I climbed into the truck. I

teeth as I climbed into the truck. I scooched as close as I could get to

scooched as close as I could get to Clark without getting between him and

Clark without getting between him and the stick shift on the floor, but it

the stick shift on the floor, but it wasn't enough. When Wes's big body slid

wasn't enough. When Wes's big body slid in beside me, and he closed the door,

in beside me, and he closed the door, his thigh was touching mine.

his thigh was touching mine. His outer left was touching my outer

His outer left was touching my outer right, his soft Nike sweatpants touching

right, his soft Nike sweatpants touching my black leggings.

my black leggings. I could feel the heat of his leg through

I could feel the heat of his leg through the fabric. I swear to God, I looked

the fabric. I swear to God, I looked down and reached for the lap belt, very

down and reached for the lap belt, very aware of how close my fingers were to

aware of how close my fingers were to his waist. Not only that, but his

his waist. Not only that, but his lowered head while he buckled his seat

lowered head while he buckled his seat belt had our faces way too close

belt had our faces way too close together. Altoids

together. Altoids had his hands very nearly touching my

had his hands very nearly touching my waist as he clicked his buckle into

waist as he clicked his buckle into place. I almost headbutted him in my

place. I almost headbutted him in my jerking attempt to back away from him.

jerking attempt to back away from him. He gave me a little smile and I knew I

He gave me a little smile and I knew I looked like a skittish animal, like one

looked like a skittish animal, like one of those cats overreacting to the

of those cats overreacting to the presence of a damn cucumber.

presence of a damn cucumber. I could see in those dark eyes that he

I could see in those dark eyes that he was fully aware of my internal chaos.

was fully aware of my internal chaos. Cool truck, he said, his deep voice

Cool truck, he said, his deep voice startling me. I was a freaking cat, dear

startling me. I was a freaking cat, dear Lord, in the quiet truck cab.

Lord, in the quiet truck cab. Thanks, man, Clark said, putting the

Thanks, man, Clark said, putting the truck in gear and letting out the

truck in gear and letting out the parking brake. It was speaking of cool,

parking brake. It was speaking of cool, Wes interrupted.

Wes interrupted. I looked away from him to stare at the

I looked away from him to stare at the back and forth of the windshield wipers.

back and forth of the windshield wipers. I couldn't look at him anymore. I think

I couldn't look at him anymore. I think it's really cool that you're cool about

it's really cool that you're cool about Liz and me, about our history.

Liz and me, about our history. My mouth fell open for a split second

My mouth fell open for a split second because I couldn't believe he was

because I couldn't believe he was bringing this up to the guy he thought

bringing this up to the guy he thought was my new boyfriend, but I quickly shut

was my new boyfriend, but I quickly shut it before he knew his [ __ ] had gotten

it before he knew his [ __ ] had gotten to me. I couldn't stop myself

to me. I couldn't stop myself [clears throat] from muttering. He just

[clears throat] from muttering. He just said cool three times in one sentence.

said cool three times in one sentence. "Cool,"

"Cool," he muttered back so quiet that I wasn't

he muttered back so quiet that I wasn't even sure he'd said it.

even sure he'd said it. "Why wouldn't I be?" Clark asked,

"Why wouldn't I be?" Clark asked, shrugging and leaning forward to turn up

shrugging and leaning forward to turn up the defroster. The windshield was

the defroster. The windshield was completely fogged over.

completely fogged over. I mean, if Liz says it's ancient

I mean, if Liz says it's ancient history, then I'm totally cool. Jesus

history, then I'm totally cool. Jesus Christ, it's going to be a minute. This

Christ, it's going to be a minute. This [ __ ] is impossible to see through.

[ __ ] is impossible to see through. Wes turned his body a little, so he was

Wes turned his body a little, so he was facing us just the tiniest degree, and

facing us just the tiniest degree, and he said, "It's cool.

he said, "It's cool. Stop saying cool.

Stop saying cool. I'm in no hurry," Wes went on to say.

I'm in no hurry," Wes went on to say. So, I'm cool with waiting it out.

So, I'm cool with waiting it out. The raindrops were loud on the truck

The raindrops were loud on the truck roof, and I felt completely and utterly

roof, and I felt completely and utterly trapped between Nike sweatpants, my

trapped between Nike sweatpants, my lies, and the past. I reached out and

lies, and the past. I reached out and cranked up the volume on the radio, so

cranked up the volume on the radio, so loud that conversation was impossible.

loud that conversation was impossible. And I swear to God, I heard Wes laugh,

And I swear to God, I heard Wes laugh, but I couldn't be sure.

Things didn't get any better when we got to the restaurant because as Clark stood

to the restaurant because as Clark stood beside the big table filming the guys

beside the big table filming the guys over there, mostly seniors, and laughing

over there, mostly seniors, and laughing at their antics, I was attempting to

at their antics, I was attempting to take quality stills and keep it together

take quality stills and keep it together in spite of the fact that the

in spite of the fact that the conversation at the smaller table turned

conversation at the smaller table turned toward me. The smaller table that

toward me. The smaller table that consisted of Wade, AJ, Mickey, Eli, and

consisted of Wade, AJ, Mickey, Eli, and Wes.

Wes. How bad was the hangover after your

How bad was the hangover after your party box? Mick asked, his mouth full of

party box? Mick asked, his mouth full of food. You were pretty slushed when we

food. You were pretty slushed when we left.

left. >> Shut up. I'm working, I said, pasting a

>> Shut up. I'm working, I said, pasting a smile onto my face as I kept taking

smile onto my face as I kept taking photos.

photos. The last thing I needed was for Wes to

The last thing I needed was for Wes to think that my drunkenness had anything

think that my drunkenness had anything to do with his appearance in my house.

to do with his appearance in my house. "Wait, Bucks Bound was hammered?" he

"Wait, Bucks Bound was hammered?" he asked, a smile in his voice. The little

asked, a smile in his voice. The little Liz I used to know was not a drinker.

Liz I used to know was not a drinker. Obviously, I'm no longer little Liz, I

Obviously, I'm no longer little Liz, I snapped, keeping my eyes on AJ through

snapped, keeping my eyes on AJ through the lens as I took photos of him shoving

the lens as I took photos of him shoving French fries into his mouth and grinning

French fries into his mouth and grinning like a child.

like a child. Obviously,

Obviously, wait. Agreed. Which made me flip him

wait. Agreed. Which made me flip him off.

off. And no one says hammeried here, Bennett,

And no one says hammeried here, Bennett, I added grumpily, sounding like a pouty

I added grumpily, sounding like a pouty child. But something about the stupid

child. But something about the stupid word everyone in our high school used to

word everyone in our high school used to use for partying irritated me. I'd been

use for partying irritated me. I'd been gone for years. Hadn't even returned for

gone for years. Hadn't even returned for breaks. So the last thing I wanted was

breaks. So the last thing I wanted was to be reminded of those silly little

to be reminded of those silly little Omaha details.

Omaha details. Why does he always make me revert to

Why does he always make me revert to little Liz? I'm going to start though.

little Liz? I'm going to start though. AJ said, "I like it. I'm going to get

AJ said, "I like it. I'm going to get [ __ ] hammeried next weekend. I was

[ __ ] hammeried next weekend. I was hammeried as [ __ ] last Friday.

hammeried as [ __ ] last Friday. Wade declared, grinning proudly.

Wade declared, grinning proudly. Mick was laughing when he opened his big

Mick was laughing when he opened his big mouth and shared. I don't know if I'd

mouth and shared. I don't know if I'd say she was hammeried, but she was

say she was hammeried, but she was screaming along to every word of

screaming along to every word of sabotage. It was very impressive.

sabotage. It was very impressive. Not doing this, I said, lowering to my

Not doing this, I said, lowering to my knees to get a shot from below the

knees to get a shot from below the table, thankful the camera was in front

table, thankful the camera was in front of my hot face. Because sabotage,

of my hot face. Because sabotage, there was no way Wes was missing that

there was no way Wes was missing that reference. Damn it. I loved that song my

reference. Damn it. I loved that song my senior year and used to crank it in

senior year and used to crank it in Wes's car all the time. We used to sing

Wes's car all the time. We used to sing yell along to every word with all the

yell along to every word with all the windows down.

windows down. So, yes, I'd been absolutely hammeried

So, yes, I'd been absolutely hammeried at my party while I'd screamed the

at my party while I'd screamed the lyrics in an attempt to exercise old

lyrics in an attempt to exercise old demons.

demons. >> I want to hear more about little Liz.

>> I want to hear more about little Liz. Eli said, taking off the lid to his cup

Eli said, taking off the lid to his cup before raising it to his mouth.

before raising it to his mouth. What was Buxy like in high school?

What was Buxy like in high school? I held my breath and waited, wanting to

I held my breath and waited, wanting to disappear.

disappear. I wished the floor would open up and

I wished the floor would open up and swallow me whole as I waited for West

swallow me whole as I waited for West Bennett to mess with what I had here, to

Bennett to mess with what I had here, to poke his finger into the relationships

poke his finger into the relationships and reputation I'd built for myself in

and reputation I'd built for myself in California.

California. Liz was always," he said, pausing like

Liz was always," he said, pausing like he was searching for the right words.

he was searching for the right words. Since he was sitting beside Mick, I was

Since he was sitting beside Mick, I was able to see his face through my camera

able to see his face through my camera without him seeing me watching.

without him seeing me watching. And suddenly, my heart was in my throat

And suddenly, my heart was in my throat because he wasn't wearing the I live to

because he wasn't wearing the I live to mess with you expression anymore. His

mess with you expression anymore. His mouth was relaxed in a soft smile when

mouth was relaxed in a soft smile when he grabbed a fry and said, "Her own

he grabbed a fry and said, "Her own person.

person. She was that girl who didn't follow the

She was that girl who didn't follow the crowd unless they were going to the same

crowd unless they were going to the same place she was already planning to go.

place she was already planning to go. She did her own thing.

She did her own thing. Wade looked directly at me through the

Wade looked directly at me through the camera and teased. But she had braces

camera and teased. But she had braces and glasses, right? I bet Bucks rocked a

and glasses, right? I bet Bucks rocked a retainer in her yearbook photo.

retainer in her yearbook photo. >> I coughed out a little laugh.

>> I coughed out a little laugh. I only wore my retainer at night,

I only wore my retainer at night, [ __ ]

[ __ ] That made everyone laugh.

That made everyone laugh. But suddenly Wes's eyes were on mine.

But suddenly Wes's eyes were on mine. We were both smiling, remembering the

We were both smiling, remembering the night on our road trip when he'd

night on our road trip when he'd discovered I slept in a retainer. And my

discovered I slept in a retainer. And my throat felt impossibly tight. If she was

throat felt impossibly tight. If she was that cool, Eli said, "Then why'd she

that cool, Eli said, "Then why'd she date you, Bennett?"

date you, Bennett?" It felt like he was talking directly to

It felt like he was talking directly to me when he shrugged and said, "I have no

me when he shrugged and said, "I have no idea.

idea. Looks like they're done," AJ said,

Looks like they're done," AJ said, breaking the moment. And I was a little

breaking the moment. And I was a little shaky as I turned my camera to get shots

shaky as I turned my camera to get shots of the guys at the other table as they

of the guys at the other table as they stood and started cleaning up their

stood and started cleaning up their stuff.

stuff. Dinner was apparently over. Thank God.

Dinner was apparently over. Thank God. But hours later, when I was finally

But hours later, when I was finally miles away from Wes and in my comfy

miles away from Wes and in my comfy pajama pants, I was still frazzled. I'd

pajama pants, I was still frazzled. I'd been parked on the couch with my laptop

been parked on the couch with my laptop since getting home from In-N-Out,

since getting home from In-N-Out, working on a reel, and I was pretty sure

working on a reel, and I was pretty sure I was finally done. I hit play, watching

I was finally done. I hit play, watching it one final time.

it one final time. Frank Ocean was the perfect backdrop for

Frank Ocean was the perfect backdrop for the Bruins baseball week 2 piece. I

the Bruins baseball week 2 piece. I would never not be moved by Pink and

would never not be moved by Pink and White, and I knew it was good. As I

White, and I knew it was good. As I saved the file, Lilith was going to love

saved the file, Lilith was going to love it.

it. But how was it fair that I just spent

But how was it fair that I just spent hours hours mining film that had a good

hours hours mining film that had a good amount of West Bennett content in it?

amount of West Bennett content in it? Talk about torture.

Talk about torture. It was obscene that anyone should have

It was obscene that anyone should have to spend hundreds of minutes staring at

to spend hundreds of minutes staring at photos and videos of their ex-boyfriend

photos and videos of their ex-boyfriend looking hot, right? It was as if the

looking hot, right? It was as if the cosmos hated me and was like, "You know

cosmos hated me and was like, "You know what' be funny? Let's make her watch him

what' be funny? Let's make her watch him working out and wearing a baseball

working out and wearing a baseball uniform." Oh, and let's be sure she has

uniform." Oh, and let's be sure she has to stare at shots of him wearing his

to stare at shots of him wearing his glasses and studying, too. That [ __ ]

glasses and studying, too. That [ __ ] will kill her.

will kill her. I sent the file to Lilith and CCed

I sent the file to Lilith and CCed Clark. And then I shut down and went to

Clark. And then I shut down and went to bed.

bed. But sleep was elusive because what the

But sleep was elusive because what the hell, universe?

hell, universe? It just wasn't fair.

Chapter 13. How do you know when it's the right

How do you know when it's the right person? The summer turned pretty.

person? The summer turned pretty. Wes,

Wes, settle your ass down, Benny. Woody threw

settle your ass down, Benny. Woody threw back the ball and pulled down his face

back the ball and pulled down his face mask, dropped to his squat, and waited

mask, dropped to his squat, and waited for me to get my head out of my ass. I

for me to get my head out of my ass. I took a deep breath, trying to find calm.

took a deep breath, trying to find calm. I'm good," I said, desperate to convince

I'm good," I said, desperate to convince him, knowing the coaching staff valued

him, knowing the coaching staff valued his feedback on all things pitching. I

his feedback on all things pitching. I was throwing [ __ ] and I needed to get it

was throwing [ __ ] and I needed to get it together. I took off my cap and wiped my

together. I took off my cap and wiped my forehead because it was hotter than

forehead because it was hotter than hell. And then I gritted my teeth

hell. And then I gritted my teeth because Clark was in my peripheral

because Clark was in my peripheral vision filming my epic meltdown. As if

vision filming my epic meltdown. As if sucking didn't suck enough, Liz's

sucking didn't suck enough, Liz's boyfriend was here to capture the

boyfriend was here to capture the suckitude. Stupendous.

suckitude. Stupendous. because my pitches were all over the

because my pitches were all over the place, no matter what drills we were

place, no matter what drills we were doing. The game was next week and I

doing. The game was next week and I needed to get all of this [ __ ] together.

needed to get all of this [ __ ] together. I tried reminding myself it was only an

I tried reminding myself it was only an exhibition game. But the reminder didn't

exhibition game. But the reminder didn't help. It was only an exhibition game,

help. It was only an exhibition game, just a casual fall ball situation where

just a casual fall ball situation where everybody played. But for me, it was the

everybody played. But for me, it was the most stressful game I'd ever prepared

most stressful game I'd ever prepared for. It was the game that haunted me.

for. It was the game that haunted me. the game that was going to set the tone

the game that was going to set the tone for whether I was actually able to get

for whether I was actually able to get past the nonsense in my head. And I

past the nonsense in my head. And I wanted to get the start so badly, even

wanted to get the start so badly, even though it didn't matter. I flipped the

though it didn't matter. I flipped the ball and ran my finger along the seam,

ball and ran my finger along the seam, heard my father's voice loud and clear

heard my father's voice loud and clear in my head. Damn it, I muttered, then

in my head. Damn it, I muttered, then threw the damn ball. Another wild pitch

threw the damn ball. Another wild pitch that Woody had to chase. "Did you grab

that Woody had to chase. "Did you grab my bag?" I heard Liz say from the

my bag?" I heard Liz say from the direction of the dugout, presumably to

direction of the dugout, presumably to Clark, or is it in the truck. I ground

Clark, or is it in the truck. I ground my teeth together, wondering if Ross had

my teeth together, wondering if Ross had read my message yet. It was just too

read my message yet. It was just too much, having the two of them everywhere.

much, having the two of them everywhere. After witnessing them hugging as I

After witnessing them hugging as I headed into the locker room to change

headed into the locker room to change yesterday, I might have fired off an

yesterday, I might have fired off an email questioning whether it was a good

email questioning whether it was a good idea for the team to constantly be

idea for the team to constantly be distracted by cameras. Was I fully aware

distracted by cameras. Was I fully aware of the fact that if it was anyone else,

of the fact that if it was anyone else, I probably wouldn't care that much?

I probably wouldn't care that much? Absolutely. But this was how it was and

Absolutely. But this was how it was and it was bugging the crap out of me. It

it was bugging the crap out of me. It irritated me as I threw the next pitch.

irritated me as I threw the next pitch. Finally controlled and I was crazy

Finally controlled and I was crazy annoyed while I nailed the pitches that

annoyed while I nailed the pitches that followed. By the time I was finished, I

followed. By the time I was finished, I was ready to rage about their constant

was ready to rage about their constant distracting presence. But I was also

distracting presence. But I was also relieved that I'd stopped tanking, that

relieved that I'd stopped tanking, that my game was back for now, that I'd

my game was back for now, that I'd [ __ ] killed after the initial

[ __ ] killed after the initial hiccups. Praise Jesus.

hiccups. Praise Jesus. Way to work through it, Ross said as he

Way to work through it, Ross said as he walked by, not slowing long enough for

walked by, not slowing long enough for me to mention my latest email. The last

me to mention my latest email. The last set was a lot better. Thanks, I said,

set was a lot better. Thanks, I said, loading my stuff in my bag, so relieved

loading my stuff in my bag, so relieved that I'd finished strong. But as I

that I'd finished strong. But as I walked out of the bullpen area, there

walked out of the bullpen area, there they were again. Liz and Clark were

they were again. Liz and Clark were standing side by side, talking quietly

standing side by side, talking quietly next to the fence right beside me, so

next to the fence right beside me, so there was no way to avoid them. Hey,

there was no way to avoid them. Hey, Wes. Liz squinted in the bright sun,

Wes. Liz squinted in the bright sun, clearing her throat. And when I didn't

clearing her throat. And when I didn't slow, she started walking beside me, her

slow, she started walking beside me, her boyfriend following at a distance while

boyfriend following at a distance while looking down at his phone. I'm starting

looking down at his phone. I'm starting to schedule the meet the team intros,

to schedule the meet the team intros, and I was wondering when you're

and I was wondering when you're available. I kind of wanted to laugh at

available. I kind of wanted to laugh at that because from the sound of it, she'd

that because from the sound of it, she'd been scheduling them for almost a week.

been scheduling them for almost a week. Everyone on the team who I talked to on

Everyone on the team who I talked to on a regular basis was all set up for their

a regular basis was all set up for their intros already.

intros already. I'd been starting to wonder if she was

I'd been starting to wonder if she was planning on skipping me entirely. I'd

planning on skipping me entirely. I'd been hoping because even though Lilith

been hoping because even though Lilith assured me via email that they wouldn't

assured me via email that they wouldn't ask me about my dad, I was nervous. "By

ask me about my dad, I was nervous. "By available, you mean?" I said, unable to

available, you mean?" I said, unable to stop myself. "It was ridiculous how much

stop myself. "It was ridiculous how much I'd miss messing with her." You know

I'd miss messing with her." You know exactly what I mean, she snapped, her

exactly what I mean, she snapped, her eyes narrowed in irritation as she

eyes narrowed in irritation as she looked straight ahead, like she refused

looked straight ahead, like she refused to dignify me with a glance. It won't

to dignify me with a glance. It won't take more than 30 minutes. I'm available

take more than 30 minutes. I'm available now, I said, the smell of her perfume

now, I said, the smell of her perfume making me drunk on the idea of having 30

making me drunk on the idea of having 30 minutes alone with her. Oh. There was a

minutes alone with her. Oh. There was a crinkle between her eyebrows as she

crinkle between her eyebrows as she blinked fast and surprised and stopped.

blinked fast and surprised and stopped. Well, I don't think Clark can because he

Well, I don't think Clark can because he has class. Perfect. I hadn't known that

has class. Perfect. I hadn't known that Clark was going to be a part of it, and

Clark was going to be a part of it, and now he wouldn't have to be. It's

now he wouldn't have to be. It's probably the only time I can squeeze you

probably the only time I can squeeze you in this week. I lied because I'm buried

in this week. I lied because I'm buried in homework. That part wasn't a lie. I

in homework. That part wasn't a lie. I wasn't sure if it was UCLA, college in

wasn't sure if it was UCLA, college in general, or just my chosen field of

general, or just my chosen field of study, but every one of my classes had

study, but every one of my classes had gone from 0 to 100 on homework mere days

gone from 0 to 100 on homework mere days into the quarter. I was swamped.

into the quarter. I was swamped. No, that'll work, Liz, Clark said,

No, that'll work, Liz, Clark said, pulling his keys out of his pocket. We

pulling his keys out of his pocket. We only need one shot filming for these

only need one shot filming for these casual intros, so you can just use your

casual intros, so you can just use your phone. I thought we were going to do

phone. I thought we were going to do two, she said, looking up at him with a

two, she said, looking up at him with a help me look on her face that should

help me look on her face that should have amused me, but it didn't. It made

have amused me, but it didn't. It made me feel like [ __ ] I never would have

me feel like [ __ ] I never would have thought she'd want to be rescued from

thought she'd want to be rescued from me. That was for the interviews, not for

me. That was for the interviews, not for the meet the team intros. He put on a

the meet the team intros. He put on a pair of sunglasses and said, "One will

pair of sunglasses and said, "One will be perfect. Go nail this down and I'll

be perfect. Go nail this down and I'll see you at home." "See you at home?"

see you at home." "See you at home?" That haunted me. I obsessed over it. The

That haunted me. I obsessed over it. The logistics of their situation and my jaw

logistics of their situation and my jaw hurt from the clench as I watched him

hurt from the clench as I watched him walk away. They lived together in the

walk away. They lived together in the same apartment. They were there together

same apartment. They were there together every [ __ ] night. And la. No. Okay,

every [ __ ] night. And la. No. Okay, Liz said, squinting up at me as the warm

Liz said, squinting up at me as the warm sun wrapped around us. I'd missed her

sun wrapped around us. I'd missed her size, the perfect angular distance

size, the perfect angular distance between her eyes and mine when I looked

between her eyes and mine when I looked down at her. She said, "Well, I guess

down at her. She said, "Well, I guess we're doing this now. Let's go to the

we're doing this now. Let's go to the mound." "The mound? I'd picture us going

mound." "The mound? I'd picture us going to a conference room or something." "I

to a conference room or something." "I want to censor the UCLA baseball on the

want to censor the UCLA baseball on the back stop behind you," she said. And I

back stop behind you," she said. And I could tell her mind was all work now as

could tell her mind was all work now as her eyes narrowed on a spot in the

her eyes narrowed on a spot in the distance. "And the lighting's great. Are

distance. "And the lighting's great. Are you good with sitting on the ground for

you good with sitting on the ground for the interview?" "Sure," I said, getting

the interview?" "Sure," I said, getting tripped up by the closeness of her face

tripped up by the closeness of her face under mine, of long lashes and shiny

under mine, of long lashes and shiny lips in pointlank range. As if reading

lips in pointlank range. As if reading my thoughts, her gaze came back to me. A

my thoughts, her gaze came back to me. A moment, maybe two, hovered between us.

moment, maybe two, hovered between us. "God, she's so pretty." At the start of

"God, she's so pretty." At the start of practice, I saw her filming the infield

practice, I saw her filming the infield drills and thought no one had ever

drills and thought no one had ever looked so good in leggings and a Bruins

looked so good in leggings and a Bruins hoodie. Like, the way the blue ribbon in

hoodie. Like, the way the blue ribbon in her hair perfectly matched the UCLA on

her hair perfectly matched the UCLA on the football hoodie was ridiculous.

the football hoodie was ridiculous. Seriously, what the hell was she even

Seriously, what the hell was she even doing? Looking that gorgeous at a

doing? Looking that gorgeous at a practice. And what happened to the

practice. And what happened to the dresses and flowers?

dresses and flowers? I wasn't complaining. God, no. But Liz

I wasn't complaining. God, no. But Liz definitely had a different vibe now. I

definitely had a different vibe now. I didn't think I'd even seen her in a

didn't think I'd even seen her in a pastel yet. She swallowed.

pastel yet. She swallowed. Is she nervous? And tucked her hair

Is she nervous? And tucked her hair behind her ears before saying, "So,

behind her ears before saying, "So, let's go." She turned and started

let's go." She turned and started marching away from me toward the field.

marching away from me toward the field. And I was happy as hell to follow,

And I was happy as hell to follow, clicking behind her in my cleats. Liz

clicking behind her in my cleats. Liz obviously knew her way around Jackie and

obviously knew her way around Jackie and didn't slow until she was on the field,

didn't slow until she was on the field, standing behind the pitcher mound. I'd

standing behind the pitcher mound. I'd like to have you sitting on the mound

like to have you sitting on the mound facing the outfield. Just relaxed, she

facing the outfield. Just relaxed, she said, staring toward home plate with her

said, staring toward home plate with her eyes narrowed. Like I dropped to the

eyes narrowed. Like I dropped to the ground, leaning back on my palms with my

ground, leaning back on my palms with my ankles crossed in front of me, happy to

ankles crossed in front of me, happy to follow her directions. Her eyebrows

follow her directions. Her eyebrows squished together as she looked down at

squished together as she looked down at me. And [clears throat] holy [ __ ] yes.

me. And [clears throat] holy [ __ ] yes. Her mouth quirked. It quirked for the

Her mouth quirked. It quirked for the slightest of seconds, like she wanted to

slightest of seconds, like she wanted to laugh as I rested at her feet with my

laugh as I rested at her feet with my leg stretched out in front of me. that.

leg stretched out in front of me. that. She tilted her head and looked toward

She tilted her head and looked toward the stands. "That might be perfect."

the stands. "That might be perfect." "Why, thank you," I said, giving her a

"Why, thank you," I said, giving her a cheesy grin. She shook her head and

cheesy grin. She shook her head and rolled her eyes, but still looked

rolled her eyes, but still looked slightly amused. "It feels like I've won

slightly amused. "It feels like I've won something." "So, I'm asking everyone the

something." "So, I'm asking everyone the same questions," she said as she lowered

same questions," she said as she lowered to her knees and unzipped her bag. She

to her knees and unzipped her bag. She pulled out a notebook first, opening it

pulled out a notebook first, opening it to a page where her perfect cursive was

to a page where her perfect cursive was looped all over the place. And then she

looped all over the place. And then she got out an extendable tripod and started

got out an extendable tripod and started messing with the height. Very basic

messing with the height. Very basic stuff like where you're from, what

stuff like where you're from, what position you play, etc. I'm recording

position you play, etc. I'm recording the entire thing and making cuts later,

the entire thing and making cuts later, so just let me know if there's something

so just let me know if there's something you want deleted. And if you wouldn't

you want deleted. And if you wouldn't mind, please answer as if we don't know

mind, please answer as if we don't know each other. So, I should call you Ms.

each other. So, I should call you Ms. Bucks Bow and ask for your number.

Bucks Bow and ask for your number. Hilarious, she said, her eyes on the

Hilarious, she said, her eyes on the tripod. I just mean that I'd like you to

tripod. I just mean that I'd like you to answer as if I don't know your story.

answer as if I don't know your story. You don't know my story? I said, then

You don't know my story? I said, then wondered why I even said that. Not all

wondered why I even said that. Not all of it, at least. She didn't look up from

of it, at least. She didn't look up from her equipment, but her hand stilled for

her equipment, but her hand stilled for a second when I said that. They

a second when I said that. They immediately went back to work, and all

immediately went back to work, and all she said was, "True."

she said was, "True." I'd always been obsessed with the way

I'd always been obsessed with the way the sun played with her hair, and that

the sun played with her hair, and that hadn't changed. Direct sunlight made it

hadn't changed. Direct sunlight made it shimmer, I swear to God, and every

shimmer, I swear to God, and every strand looked like copper as she knelt

strand looked like copper as she knelt in the infield grass. She put her phone

in the infield grass. She put her phone on the tripod, raised it slightly, then

on the tripod, raised it slightly, then dropped her hands at her sides. "Okay, I

dropped her hands at her sides. "Okay, I think we're ready." She pressed record,

think we're ready." She pressed record, then picked up the notebook. So, tell me

then picked up the notebook. So, tell me your name, your position, and where

your name, your position, and where you're from. I can handle that one. My

you're from. I can handle that one. My name is Wes Bennett and I'm a

name is Wes Bennett and I'm a left-handed pitcher from Omaha,

left-handed pitcher from Omaha, Nebraska. Perfect, she said quietly, her

Nebraska. Perfect, she said quietly, her eyes on her notebook. What made you want

eyes on her notebook. What made you want to be a Bruin now or the first time? I

to be a Bruin now or the first time? I asked. She looked up from the page,

asked. She looked up from the page, surprised.

surprised. Is the answer different this time? The

Is the answer different this time? The truth was that when I was in high

truth was that when I was in high school, UCLA was my number two choice

school, UCLA was my number two choice until the night Liz told me she was

until the night Liz told me she was going there. That changed everything.

going there. That changed everything. And after that, no other schools even

And after that, no other schools even stood a chance. Yes, I said, not sure

stood a chance. Yes, I said, not sure exactly how to expound upon that. I've

exactly how to expound upon that. I've been a Bruins fan my entire life, but

been a Bruins fan my entire life, but the first time I stepped foot on campus,

the first time I stepped foot on campus, I felt hard for Westwood. So hard that

I felt hard for Westwood. So hard that when I decided to go back to school

when I decided to go back to school after dropping out, there was no

after dropping out, there was no question that UCLA was the only option.

question that UCLA was the only option. I'd rather not play than play anywhere

I'd rather not play than play anywhere else. Good, she said. But there was a

else. Good, she said. But there was a wrinkle between her brows, like

wrinkle between her brows, like something about that answer bothered

something about that answer bothered her. I must have read it wrong, though,

her. I must have read it wrong, though, because she moved on with a very vanilla

because she moved on with a very vanilla question. "What's your major and why?"

question. "What's your major and why?" "I'm majoring in civil engineering with

"I'm majoring in civil engineering with a minor in environmental engineering," I

a minor in environmental engineering," I said, realizing I sounded ridiculously

said, realizing I sounded ridiculously boring. "I can't remember why, to be

boring. "I can't remember why, to be honest, because it's just what I've

honest, because it's just what I've always wanted to do." math nerd," she

always wanted to do." math nerd," she said under her breath. A tiny smile on

said under her breath. A tiny smile on her mouth as her eyes stayed on the

her mouth as her eyes stayed on the page. And I felt that smile in the

page. And I felt that smile in the center of my chest because holy god, Liz

center of my chest because holy god, Liz was teasing me about something from our

was teasing me about something from our past. She'd always thought it was funny

past. She'd always thought it was funny that I liked math. How can someone so

that I liked math. How can someone so unserious be good at math? She sucked at

unserious be good at math? She sucked at math and had somehow pissed her off that

math and had somehow pissed her off that I didn't. Stop being so jealous, Libby.

I didn't. Stop being so jealous, Libby. I teased back, but instantly regretted

I teased back, but instantly regretted it because her smile disappeared the

it because her smile disappeared the minute I used her old nickname.

minute I used her old nickname. Damn it. Okay, next question, she said,

Damn it. Okay, next question, she said, clearing her throat. Which one of your

clearing her throat. Which one of your teammates would you call if you needed a

teammates would you call if you needed a ride at 3:00 in the morning? Powers, I

ride at 3:00 in the morning? Powers, I said without pause. Which of your

said without pause. Which of your teammates would you call if you needed

teammates would you call if you needed help planning a bank heist? Mick, for

help planning a bank heist? Mick, for sure, I said around a laugh. Which of

sure, I said around a laugh. Which of your teammates would you set up with

your teammates would you set up with your little sister? That's not on the

your little sister? That's not on the list. Answer the question.

list. Answer the question. None of them, I said in disgust. Sarah's

None of them, I said in disgust. Sarah's too young to date college guys. She is

too young to date college guys. She is in college, Liz said with a snort, her

in college, Liz said with a snort, her smile back. A freshman? I said

smile back. A freshman? I said defensively. She's not even 18 yet. AJ

defensively. She's not even 18 yet. AJ Powers is an 18-year-old freshman

Powers is an 18-year-old freshman dumbass, she said. And I knew she was

dumbass, she said. And I knew she was forgetting about the interview entirely.

forgetting about the interview entirely. They are basically the same age. Why are

They are basically the same age. Why are you trying to marry my baby sister off

you trying to marry my baby sister off to a baseball player? I asked. Why are

to a baseball player? I asked. Why are you trying to pretend your sister's a

you trying to pretend your sister's a baby? She replied, laughing a little. I

baby? She replied, laughing a little. I think the better question for the record

think the better question for the record would have been, which of your teammates

would have been, which of your teammates would you murder for dating your sister.

would you murder for dating your sister. And the answer to that question would

And the answer to that question would be, she asked. Brooks.

be, she asked. Brooks. Weapon of choice. She asked baseball

Weapon of choice. She asked baseball bat. I thought college pictures didn't

bat. I thought college pictures didn't take BP, she said, and the breeze blew a

take BP, she said, and the breeze blew a few strands of her hair across her

few strands of her hair across her cheek. You really think you could still

cheek. You really think you could still connect? I know I could. So cocky about

connect? I know I could. So cocky about your murderous abilities, she murmured,

your murderous abilities, she murmured, looking back at the notebook. Okay, so

looking back at the notebook. Okay, so tell me your three favorite things about

tell me your three favorite things about UCLA so far. Liz Bucksbound, Liz Bb, and

UCLA so far. Liz Bucksbound, Liz Bb, and Liz Bb. The food, the scooters, and the

Liz Bb. The food, the scooters, and the libraries.

libraries. the libraries. I could see I'd shocked

the libraries. I could see I'd shocked her with that one. There's just

her with that one. There's just something about studying in these

something about studying in these libraries that feels so innately

libraries that feels so innately collegate, right? I really was a little

collegate, right? I really was a little in love with them. Like, you walk into

in love with them. Like, you walk into PAL and it feels like every movie you've

PAL and it feels like every movie you've ever seen about college. The dark wood,

ever seen about college. The dark wood, the desk lamps, the intricate carvings

the desk lamps, the intricate carvings on the arch ceilings. How can you not be

on the arch ceilings. How can you not be inspired to read and learn in a place

inspired to read and learn in a place like that? Liz was staring at me, her

like that? Liz was staring at me, her eyes all over my face like she was

eyes all over my face like she was trying to make sense of something. She

trying to make sense of something. She probably thought I was being a smartass,

probably thought I was being a smartass, but I meant every word. After assuming

but I meant every word. After assuming college was no longer an option for me,

college was no longer an option for me, it was still mind-boggling to be able to

it was still mind-boggling to be able to walk into Powell and spend hours at a

walk into Powell and spend hours at a table with only my studies to worry

table with only my studies to worry about. "And what surprised you most so

about. "And what surprised you most so far about UCLA?" she asked. "Just the

far about UCLA?" she asked. "Just the fact that I get to be here at all." She

fact that I get to be here at all." She had that crinkle between her eyebrows

had that crinkle between her eyebrows again. The one that told me she didn't

again. The one that told me she didn't like my answer. But it was the honest to

like my answer. But it was the honest to God truth. I woke up every day shocked

God truth. I woke up every day shocked as hell that it wasn't a dream. The

as hell that it wasn't a dream. The dream I'd dreamed so many nights during

dream I'd dreamed so many nights during the almost 2 years I'd been away. I

the almost 2 years I'd been away. I really was back. Holy [ __ ] I think

really was back. Holy [ __ ] I think that's it, Liz said, interrupting my

that's it, Liz said, interrupting my thoughts. She stopped recording and

thoughts. She stopped recording and pulled her phone off the tripod. Thanks

pulled her phone off the tripod. Thanks a lot for squeezing me in, Wes. Night or

a lot for squeezing me in, Wes. Night or a day, Lib? No problem.

a day, Lib? No problem. I basically sprinted to class after

I basically sprinted to class after that, very late. My professor gave me

that, very late. My professor gave me the stink eye as I slid in the door,

the stink eye as I slid in the door, sweaty and out of breath, interrupting

sweaty and out of breath, interrupting her lecture because the only available

her lecture because the only available seat was in the center of the lecture

seat was in the center of the lecture hall. I was mortified as I squeezed

hall. I was mortified as I squeezed through everyone. Excuse me. Excuse me,

through everyone. Excuse me. Excuse me, sorry. Plop down and unzipped my

sorry. Plop down and unzipped my backpack. I was mortified, but not

backpack. I was mortified, but not actually sorry.

actually sorry. because somehow it felt like I'd made

because somehow it felt like I'd made progress with Liz that day. She still

progress with Liz that day. She still wasn't happy I was there, but it felt

wasn't happy I was there, but it felt like the ice between us had melted just

like the ice between us had melted just the tiniest bit. It made the idea of

the tiniest bit. It made the idea of something between us seemed possible. I

something between us seemed possible. I felt hopeful,

felt hopeful, but then I didn't see her at all the

but then I didn't see her at all the rest of the week. I heard she was doing

rest of the week. I heard she was doing interviews, but they were always when I

interviews, but they were always when I wasn't around. And Clark was by himself

wasn't around. And Clark was by himself every time my bullpens and workouts were

every time my bullpens and workouts were filmed with no sign of Liz anywhere.

filmed with no sign of Liz anywhere. She'd disappeared again and along with

She'd disappeared again and along with her, my good stuff on the mound had also

her, my good stuff on the mound had also gone missing. I was trying my hardest

gone missing. I was trying my hardest and digging my deepest, but I was

and digging my deepest, but I was painfully inconsistent.

painfully inconsistent. One second, I was throwing nasty pitches

One second, I was throwing nasty pitches that had Woody grinning, and the next he

that had Woody grinning, and the next he was chasing wild [ __ ] and my breaking

was chasing wild [ __ ] and my breaking balls weren't breaking at all. And the

balls weren't breaking at all. And the exhibition game was just around the

exhibition game was just around the corner.

corner. It was a pointless goal to be nabbed to

It was a pointless goal to be nabbed to start in a game that counted for

start in a game that counted for nothing. But for me, that game counted

nothing. But for me, that game counted for everything. And it had been my

for everything. And it had been my primary focus since recommitting to the

primary focus since recommitting to the team. I needed it to exercise some

team. I needed it to exercise some ghosts. I was well aware of the fact

ghosts. I was well aware of the fact that since I was a freshman, I probably

that since I was a freshman, I probably wouldn't start in many actual games this

wouldn't start in many actual games this season, if any. But Ross thought this

season, if any. But Ross thought this one was a possibility. You throw enough

one was a possibility. You throw enough filth to get the start, but you've got

filth to get the start, but you've got to get rid of the [ __ ] kid. I finally

to get rid of the [ __ ] kid. I finally got desperate. And on Saturday morning,

got desperate. And on Saturday morning, I called him. "Ross here," he answered.

I called him. "Ross here," he answered. "Hey, it's Bennett," I said, feeling a

"Hey, it's Bennett," I said, feeling a little weird about calling him, even

little weird about calling him, even though he always said he was available

though he always said he was available 24/7. "Do you have any time for extra

24/7. "Do you have any time for extra workouts this weekend?" "God damn it,"

workouts this weekend?" "God damn it," he said, sounding like he was still in

he said, sounding like he was still in bed. "I've been waiting for you to get

bed. "I've been waiting for you to get your head out of your ass and make this

your head out of your ass and make this call. But did you have to do it when I'm

call. But did you have to do it when I'm hung over? H I said smiling even though

hung over? H I said smiling even though he sounded legit pissed.

he sounded legit pissed. Yes.

Yes. [ __ ] off, he said. And meet me in an

[ __ ] off, he said. And meet me in an hour.

Chapter 14. I think the three of us make a wonderful

I think the three of us make a wonderful pair.

pair. Seems like old times.

Seems like old times. Liz,

good morning, sunshine. I walked into the kitchen and rolled my

I walked into the kitchen and rolled my eyes as Leo grinned at me from where he

eyes as Leo grinned at me from where he was sitting on the counter in Spongebob

was sitting on the counter in Spongebob pajama pants and a hoodie eating a bowl

pajama pants and a hoodie eating a bowl of cereal. The weekend had gone by way

of cereal. The weekend had gone by way too fast, and I wasn't quite ready for

too fast, and I wasn't quite ready for Monday to be here yet. I had spent the

Monday to be here yet. I had spent the weekend editing the player intros and

weekend editing the player intros and making some reals, so I was in desperate

making some reals, so I was in desperate need of another day to catch up on my

need of another day to catch up on my studies.

studies. "How long have you been up?" I asked. "I

"How long have you been up?" I asked. "I liked getting up early to run before

liked getting up early to run before class every day, but Leo liked getting

class every day, but Leo liked getting up at 4:00 a.m. every day because of no

up at 4:00 a.m. every day because of no reason. He simply liked tacking extra

reason. He simply liked tacking extra time onto my morning," he said. which

time onto my morning," he said. which made sense on paper, but not when it

made sense on paper, but not when it came time to crawl out from under comfy

came time to crawl out from under comfy blankets.

blankets. "Since leg 4:15," he said, shrugging.

"Since leg 4:15," he said, shrugging. "Slept in today."

"Slept in today." "Uh-huh."

"Uh-huh." I pressed the power button on the Kurig

I pressed the power button on the Kurig and walked over to the fridge, opening

and walked over to the fridge, opening the door to grab my yogurt. "Did you get

the door to grab my yogurt. "Did you get my rent?" I usually Venmoed my rent

my rent?" I usually Venmoed my rent payment to him, but since my grandma

payment to him, but since my grandma gave me a wad of have fun at college

gave me a wad of have fun at college money when I visited her last month, I

money when I visited her last month, I stuck the cash under his door this time.

stuck the cash under his door this time. Yeah, he said off-handedly, and it still

Yeah, he said off-handedly, and it still blew my mind that it didn't matter to

blew my mind that it didn't matter to him at all. Leo, who was the sweetest,

him at all. Leo, who was the sweetest, most thoughtful human, didn't really

most thoughtful human, didn't really think about money because he'd never had

think about money because he'd never had to.

to. It was bizarre the thought of growing up

It was bizarre the thought of growing up that way. I'd never been poor, but I'd

that way. I'd never been poor, but I'd also been very aware throughout my

also been very aware throughout my childhood that there were a million

childhood that there were a million things we couldn't afford.

things we couldn't afford. Honestly, I still woke up every morning

Honestly, I still woke up every morning and squealled a little that I was

and squealled a little that I was somehow living in a really nice

somehow living in a really nice apartment for the same amount I'd been

apartment for the same amount I'd been paying for the dorms.

paying for the dorms. But for Leo, it was the norm.

But for Leo, it was the norm. I was thinking we should get the cat, he

I was thinking we should get the cat, he said, looking dead serious.

said, looking dead serious. I grabbed the tiny jar of wee and shut

I grabbed the tiny jar of wee and shut the fridge.

the fridge. Isn't this a pet-free building? Come on,

Isn't this a pet-free building? Come on, we all see the dog walkers on the

we all see the dog walkers on the elevators and know it's just for show,

elevators and know it's just for show, he said. I want a fat tabby.

he said. I want a fat tabby. Aren't your raccoons enough? I grabbed a

Aren't your raccoons enough? I grabbed a spoon and climbed onto one of the

spoon and climbed onto one of the stools. Watching them through a window

stools. Watching them through a window is far different than snuggling them, he

is far different than snuggling them, he said. "True," I said, shrugging. "And

said. "True," I said, shrugging. "And I'm game. I miss my cat. You should send

I'm game. I miss my cat. You should send for him," Leo said, his face breaking

for him," Leo said, his face breaking into an excited grin. "Fits pervert can

into an excited grin. "Fits pervert can be besties with Bridget." "You're going

be besties with Bridget." "You're going to name your cat Bridget?" "I will if

to name your cat Bridget?" "I will if Mr. Fitz Ber is coming to live with us.

Mr. Fitz Ber is coming to live with us. "No cats," Campbell said, stumbling into

"No cats," Campbell said, stumbling into the kitchen. Her long curls were

the kitchen. Her long curls were sticking up everywhere, and she was

sticking up everywhere, and she was wearing a cropped shirt that said, "Fuck

wearing a cropped shirt that said, "Fuck it," and a pair of boxers. "They pee on

it," and a pair of boxers. "They pee on your stuff, and the apartment will smell

your stuff, and the apartment will smell like litter." "You Grinch," Leo growled.

like litter." "You Grinch," Leo growled. "But out." "I hate cats," she said,

"But out." "I hate cats," she said, walking toward the Kurig.

walking toward the Kurig. I think I might be allergic.

I think I might be allergic. Liar. I pulled the lid off my yogurt.

Liar. I pulled the lid off my yogurt. Speaking of liars, she said, turning to

Speaking of liars, she said, turning to point her finger at me.

point her finger at me. I thought you said that you and Wes

I thought you said that you and Wes Bennett just casually dated for a couple

Bennett just casually dated for a couple months in high school.

months in high school. Yeah. So, I stuck my spoon into my

Yeah. So, I stuck my spoon into my yogurt.

yogurt. What about it?

What about it? AJ Powers is my lab partner and he

AJ Powers is my lab partner and he assumed that I knew that you and his

assumed that I knew that you and his roommate were madly in love your

roommate were madly in love your freshman year at UCLA.

freshman year at UCLA. What? I didn't even know what to say,

What? I didn't even know what to say, what to think as she looked at me like I

what to think as she looked at me like I was a sneaky liar. How did he know that?

was a sneaky liar. How did he know that? Had Wes said something?

Had Wes said something? What did he say?

What did he say? We were talking about the party and how

We were talking about the party and how fun it was at Fat Sal's afterward when I

fun it was at Fat Sal's afterward when I totally faced Weed with a map of the

totally faced Weed with a map of the United States. She said, opening the

United States. She said, opening the coffee maker and putting a pot inside.

coffee maker and putting a pot inside. And when I mentioned you, he goes, "It's

And when I mentioned you, he goes, "It's wild that they were madly in love their

wild that they were madly in love their freshman year and now they're like

freshman year and now they're like strangers."

strangers." My breath got stopped up in my chest.

My breath got stopped up in my chest. Why does he think we were madly in love?

Why does he think we were madly in love? "Holy crap," Leo said, hopping off the

"Holy crap," Leo said, hopping off the counter and coming closer. "Was Miss

counter and coming closer. "Was Miss Anti-Romance madly in love?" "Sh, what

Anti-Romance madly in love?" "Sh, what else did he say?" I asked, even as my

else did he say?" I asked, even as my logical brain screamed, "It doesn't

logical brain screamed, "It doesn't matter."

matter." Had Wes told his roommate that we'd been

Had Wes told his roommate that we'd been madly in love? Had he said it recently?

madly in love? Had he said it recently? because I was still a little unsettled

because I was still a little unsettled by his interview, by how quickly we'd

by his interview, by how quickly we'd fallen back into what felt like us.

fallen back into what felt like us. The second I let my guard down and

The second I let my guard down and stopped focusing on how much I hated

stopped focusing on how much I hated him,

him, there he was, lying back in the grass

there he was, lying back in the grass and making me laugh.

and making me laugh. Totally unacceptable.

Totally unacceptable. Had I learned nothing from everything

Had I learned nothing from everything that happened?

that happened? Well, I didn't want him to know that he

Well, I didn't want him to know that he knew more than me, Campbell said,

knew more than me, Campbell said, turning around and shrugging.

turning around and shrugging. So, I just kind of said, "Yeah, wild."

So, I just kind of said, "Yeah, wild." And we moved on. "But I want the whole

And we moved on. "But I want the whole story." "Yeah, me, too," Leo agreed,

story." "Yeah, me, too," Leo agreed, nodding. "Tell us the story."

nodding. "Tell us the story." "We all deserve to know," I heard from

"We all deserve to know," I heard from behind me. Apparently, Clerk was up too

behind me. Apparently, Clerk was up too because he said, "Especially me, your

because he said, "Especially me, your boyfriend."

boyfriend." "I don't want to talk about it," I

"I don't want to talk about it," I squealled. No longer hungry for yogurt

squealled. No longer hungry for yogurt or anything.

or anything. The short story is that we dated in high

The short story is that we dated in high school, went away to college together,

school, went away to college together, but then he almost immediately moved

but then he almost immediately moved back home because his dad died and then

back home because his dad died and then we broke up. The end.

we broke up. The end. >> That isn't a short story, Clark said.

>> That isn't a short story, Clark said. raising past me on his way to the fridge

raising past me on his way to the fridge for his daily morning Red Bull. That's a

for his daily morning Red Bull. That's a lame ass run-on sentence. You're going

lame ass run-on sentence. You're going to allow us each three questions or Leo

to allow us each three questions or Leo will evict you.

will evict you. What in God's name are you wearing? I

What in God's name are you wearing? I asked off-handedly because it looked

asked off-handedly because it looked like Clark was wearing an old lady's

like Clark was wearing an old lady's purple house coat. An old lady's purple

purple house coat. An old lady's purple house coat? He replied. It's vintage

house coat? He replied. It's vintage Kmart that I thrifted and am in love

Kmart that I thrifted and am in love with. So, please refrain from

with. So, please refrain from disparaging my garment.

disparaging my garment. Why are you in love with it? Campbell

Why are you in love with it? Campbell asked. And I don't mean that

asked. And I don't mean that disparagingly. I'm just curious.

disparagingly. I'm just curious. I appreciate the clarification, and I

I appreciate the clarification, and I love it because it feels like I'm just

love it because it feels like I'm just walking around in my underpants, yet I'm

walking around in my underpants, yet I'm covered enough that I can drink coffee

covered enough that I can drink coffee on the balcony.

on the balcony. Can I try it? Leo asked, looking

Can I try it? Leo asked, looking intrigued by that description. It'll be

intrigued by that description. It'll be huge on you, Campbell answered. You're

huge on you, Campbell answered. You're like a fudge shorter than him. Yeah,

like a fudge shorter than him. Yeah, hands off my house coat. Clark opened

hands off my house coat. Clark opened the refrigerator, grabbed Red Bull, and

the refrigerator, grabbed Red Bull, and shut the door. Now, my three questions.

shut the door. Now, my three questions. Leo's not going to evict me, I said,

Leo's not going to evict me, I said, rolling my eyes, absolutely unwilling to

rolling my eyes, absolutely unwilling to discuss Wes with them. Just answer the

discuss Wes with them. Just answer the damn questions. Campbell crossed her

damn questions. Campbell crossed her arms and said, "Number one." "I'm

arms and said, "Number one." "I'm first," Clark interrupted, nudging her

first," Clark interrupted, nudging her over with his hip. "Number one, why did

over with his hip. "Number one, why did you break up?" "Yeah, why?" Campbell

you break up?" "Yeah, why?" Campbell repeated, nudging back. "I don't want to

repeated, nudging back. "I don't want to focus on this when I have an entire day

focus on this when I have an entire day in front of me. Damn it." I shrugged and

in front of me. Damn it." I shrugged and said,

said, "I thought we were good, and then one

"I thought we were good, and then one day he just said he didn't want to do

day he just said he didn't want to do the long-distance thing anymore." "So,

the long-distance thing anymore." "So, he broke up with you?" Leo asked,

he broke up with you?" Leo asked, squeezing in front of them both. "His

squeezing in front of them both. "His blue eyes were huge as he said it, like

blue eyes were huge as he said it, like it was impossible to believe."

it was impossible to believe." Yes,

Yes, I swallowed and wasn't going to think

I swallowed and wasn't going to think about it as anything more than a general

about it as anything more than a general we broke up story.

we broke up story. "What an idiot," Campbell said at the

"What an idiot," Campbell said at the same second Clark said. "What a dick."

same second Clark said. "What a dick." But then Leo ruined my ability to

But then Leo ruined my ability to disconnect with his next question. "Oh

disconnect with his next question. "Oh my god," he said, [ __ ] disgusted.

my god," he said, [ __ ] disgusted. Since you were long distance, please

Since you were long distance, please tell me he didn't do it over the phone

tell me he didn't do it over the phone like a total ass weasel.

like a total ass weasel. He did, I said, inhaling through my

He did, I said, inhaling through my nose, trying to remain in the present,

nose, trying to remain in the present, but the comment sent me right back to

but the comment sent me right back to the past

the past because yes, he definitely did it over

because yes, he definitely did it over the phone.

October two years ago.

two years ago. Wes,

Wes, are you home right now? I was sitting at

are you home right now? I was sitting at the desk in my dorm room when he texted

the desk in my dorm room when he texted reading the Awakening for American Lit.

reading the Awakening for American Lit. I got that instant rush of happy

I got that instant rush of happy dopamine when I saw his name on my

dopamine when I saw his name on my phone, Wesy McBennett face, just like I

phone, Wesy McBennett face, just like I did every single day since he'd moved

did every single day since he'd moved home. And I sat down the book and stood.

home. And I sat down the book and stood. Talking to Wes was best when I was

Talking to Wes was best when I was comfy. I ran over to my bed, plopped

comfy. I ran over to my bed, plopped onto my stomach, and texted. I am home

onto my stomach, and texted. I am home and am eagerly awaiting the sight of

and am eagerly awaiting the sight of your face. 3 2 1

your face. 3 2 1 In the weeks since he'd left, we'd

In the weeks since he'd left, we'd fallen into a routine. I went to class

fallen into a routine. I went to class all day and he went to work. And as soon

all day and he went to work. And as soon as he got home, we basically facetimed

as he got home, we basically facetimed with each other all night until one of

with each other all night until one of us or both fell asleep on the call.

us or both fell asleep on the call. I missed him so much and nothing was the

I missed him so much and nothing was the same with him gone. But the fact that I

same with him gone. But the fact that I could still see him all the time and

could still see him all the time and talk to him made it work.

talk to him made it work. But instead of hearing the familiar

But instead of hearing the familiar incoming FaceTime sound, my phone

incoming FaceTime sound, my phone actually started ringing.

actually started ringing. He was calling me. I answered on speaker

He was calling me. I answered on speaker with, "Did you forget how to FaceTime?"

with, "Did you forget how to FaceTime?" "No."

"No." I heard him clear his throat and then he

I heard him clear his throat and then he said, "I just thought it might be better

said, "I just thought it might be better to call you today."

to call you today." "But why?" I teased, rolling onto my

"But why?" I teased, rolling onto my back and looking up at the ceiling.

back and looking up at the ceiling. "I miss out on seeing your dumb face if

"I miss out on seeing your dumb face if we talk on the phone the way our

we talk on the phone the way our ancestors used to. What are we, boomers

ancestors used to. What are we, boomers now?"

now?" >> We need to talk, Liz. And don't you know

>> We need to talk, Liz. And don't you know that you can't use the expression we

that you can't use the expression we need to talk in daily conversation? I

need to talk in daily conversation? I teased.

teased. He sounded stressed, which wasn't

He sounded stressed, which wasn't unusual since his dad died, but I was

unusual since his dad died, but I was good at teasing him into relaxing.

good at teasing him into relaxing. Lately, he seemed distant when I called.

Lately, he seemed distant when I called. But I wasn't taking it personally

But I wasn't taking it personally because life kind of sucked for his

because life kind of sucked for his family at the moment. I joked, "Movies

family at the moment. I joked, "Movies have made those words a no no. Maybe

have made those words a no no. Maybe say, "Guess what?" instead. Or perhaps,

say, "Guess what?" instead. Or perhaps, "Let's have some wonderful discourse,

"Let's have some wonderful discourse, Lizzy. Anything is better than, "We need

Lizzy. Anything is better than, "We need to talk."

to talk." He sighed and it hurt my heart that he

He sighed and it hurt my heart that he was having a rough day.

was having a rough day. But then he snapped. "But we do need to

But then he snapped. "But we do need to talk."

talk." I sat up immediately, knowing this was

I sat up immediately, knowing this was different.

different. He sounded nothing like himself,

He sounded nothing like himself, not like the west he was with me. He

not like the west he was with me. He sounded

sounded detached,

detached, clinical,

clinical, like a stranger.

like a stranger. "Stop overthinking," I told myself,

"Stop overthinking," I told myself, staring down at the flowers on my yellow

staring down at the flowers on my yellow sundress.

sundress. "Things are just tough for him right

"Things are just tough for him right now."

now." But I knew in the back of my mind that

But I knew in the back of my mind that he hadn't even sounded like this on the

he hadn't even sounded like this on the day he'd gotten the call about his dad.

day he'd gotten the call about his dad. He'd been devastated and sad,

He'd been devastated and sad, but he hadn't sounded cold.

but he hadn't sounded cold. "Okay, so let's talk," I said calmly.

"Okay, so let's talk," I said calmly. There was no reason for me to feel the

There was no reason for me to feel the rising panic that had my heart racing.

rising panic that had my heart racing. "What's up?"

"What's up?" I heard him take a deep breath, and then

I heard him take a deep breath, and then he said, "This long-distance thing just

he said, "This long-distance thing just isn't working for me."

isn't working for me." What? I had no idea what he meant by

What? I had no idea what he meant by that.

that. What do you mean?

What do you mean? >> I can't do this anymore with you on the

>> I can't do this anymore with you on the other side of the country and me back

other side of the country and me back here,

here, >> he said, blurting it out like he'd

>> he said, blurting it out like he'd practiced it a thousand times. Like he'd

practiced it a thousand times. Like he'd been thinking about this a lot.

been thinking about this a lot. It just feels like we're delaying the

It just feels like we're delaying the inevitable.

inevitable. What are you saying? What's inevitable?

What are you saying? What's inevitable? Do you want me to move back?

Do you want me to move back? My hands were shaking as I tried keeping

My hands were shaking as I tried keeping up with words that didn't make sense.

up with words that didn't make sense. Last night, we'd fallen asleep together

Last night, we'd fallen asleep together on the phone while watching a friend's

on the phone while watching a friend's marathon. And just the other day, he'd

marathon. And just the other day, he'd randomly texted at 3:00 in the morning

randomly texted at 3:00 in the morning to tell me how much he loved me. So, he

to tell me how much he loved me. So, he definitely wasn't like breaking up with

definitely wasn't like breaking up with me.

me. So, what was he doing?

So, what was he doing? Or are you talking about returning to

Or are you talking about returning to school? I asked. "I don't know if I

school? I asked. "I don't know if I think we should take a break," he

think we should take a break," he interrupted,

interrupted, sounding frustrated.

sounding frustrated. "You do?"

"You do?" I felt all the blood rush from my face,

I felt all the blood rush from my face, and I could hear my heart beating in my

and I could hear my heart beating in my ears as his words kept echoing in my

ears as his words kept echoing in my head.

head. I think we should take a break.

I think we should take a break. It just doesn't work living separate

It just doesn't work living separate lives.

lives. I think it's better if we both just do

I think it's better if we both just do our own thing and move on.

our own thing and move on. >> Move on?

>> Move on? I felt like I couldn't breathe.

I felt like I couldn't breathe. Are you breaking up with me, Wes?

Are you breaking up with me, Wes? Even though it was obvious, I was

Even though it was obvious, I was somehow still utterly shocked when he

somehow still utterly shocked when he said,

said, "Yes."

"Yes." I gasped.

I gasped. "Oh," I managed. incapable of anything

"Oh," I managed. incapable of anything more.

more. My throat was tight as I blinked back

My throat was tight as I blinked back tears as I tried figuring out how this

tears as I tried figuring out how this was happening.

was happening. Wes is breaking up with me.

Wes is breaking up with me. Please know that it isn't you, Lip, he

Please know that it isn't you, Lip, he said, his voice cracking.

said, his voice cracking. You're amazing and perfect,

You're amazing and perfect, but it's just not meant to be for us

but it's just not meant to be for us anymore.

anymore. I wanted to say something to scream,

I wanted to say something to scream, "You're wrong. What are you doing?"

"You're wrong. What are you doing?" But I couldn't speak.

But I couldn't speak. There were a thousand sobs inside me,

There were a thousand sobs inside me, filling my throat and making it too

filling my throat and making it too tight for words.

tight for words. I couldn't see the flowers on my dress

I couldn't see the flowers on my dress anymore. The tears blurring out

anymore. The tears blurring out everything but the California sun that

everything but the California sun that was shining through the window, garishly

was shining through the window, garishly mocking the moment with its brightness.

mocking the moment with its brightness. I'm sorry, Lib,

I'm sorry, Lib, >> he said quietly.

>> he said quietly. >> I'm so sorry.

>> I'm so sorry. >> Through the haze of my shock and

>> Through the haze of my shock and heartbreak,

heartbreak, I saw a reason that made sense.

I saw a reason that made sense. A reason that didn't make it hurt any

A reason that didn't make it hurt any less.

less. But I loved him, so I'd have to accept

But I loved him, so I'd have to accept it.

it. I wiped up my cheeks and tried sounding

I wiped up my cheeks and tried sounding like I was fine.

like I was fine. I know everything's a mess right now, so

I know everything's a mess right now, so it's fine if you want to take a break

it's fine if you want to take a break from us while you're dealing with all of

from us while you're dealing with all of it. I'll still be here as your friend,

it. I'll still be here as your friend, and we can revisit the rest later.

and we can revisit the rest later. No, Liz.

No, Liz. He made a noise like an unhappy laugh or

He made a noise like an unhappy laugh or a groan.

a groan. And then he said,

And then he said, "No,

"No, no,

no, no. Don't you get it?" He sounded upset

no. Don't you get it?" He sounded upset now.

now. I need a clean break

I need a clean break from us.

from us. I felt like I'd been slapped when he

I felt like I'd been slapped when he said that. Like a part of me was being

said that. Like a part of me was being ripped away.

ripped away. You don't even want to be friends.

You don't even want to be friends. I think it's best if we call it done and

I think it's best if we call it done and just walk away.

just walk away. Oh my god, I whispered.

Oh my god, I whispered. I could forgive him for anything after

I could forgive him for anything after what he just gone through.

what he just gone through. But I didn't know how he could do this,

But I didn't know how he could do this, how he could want this.

how he could want this. He was the center of my world. We were

He was the center of my world. We were my center.

my center. How could he be fine with not being in

How could he be fine with not being in my life anymore?

my life anymore? God,

God, he didn't want me in his life anymore.

he didn't want me in his life anymore. Is this why you didn't FaceTime? I said,

Is this why you didn't FaceTime? I said, hating that he could hear I was crying,

hating that he could hear I was crying, but somehow unable to stop myself from

but somehow unable to stop myself from asking.

asking. Because you knew it'd be awkward as hell

Because you knew it'd be awkward as hell when I started crying.

when I started crying. He didn't say anything.

He didn't say anything. I waited, but he didn't say a word.

I waited, but he didn't say a word. "Bes,

"Bes, I have to go now," he said, his voice

I have to go now," he said, his voice thick and quiet. "I just can't."

thick and quiet. "I just can't." And then I watched through tear blurred

And then I watched through tear blurred eyes as the call was dropped and his

eyes as the call was dropped and his name disappeared from my phone's

name disappeared from my phone's display.

Hello. Campbell snapped her fingers in front of

Campbell snapped her fingers in front of my face. Where'd you go, Elizabeth?

my face. Where'd you go, Elizabeth? I blinked and felt like I'd just gone

I blinked and felt like I'd just gone back in time. Literally.

back in time. Literally. I gave my head a shake and said, "Gh,

I gave my head a shake and said, "Gh, [clears throat]

[clears throat] to the bad place."

to the bad place." "So, what happened after that?" Leo

"So, what happened after that?" Leo asked.

asked. He broke up with you and then then I

He broke up with you and then then I baldled my eyes out for a few months and

baldled my eyes out for a few months and moved on, I said as if it had been that

moved on, I said as if it had been that easy.

easy. End of story.

End of story. >> What about him though? Clark asked. He's

>> What about him though? Clark asked. He's back at UCLA.

back at UCLA. How did that happen?

How did that happen? I genuinely have no idea. I admitted

I genuinely have no idea. I admitted really curious about that part of it.

really curious about that part of it. I've stayed in LA every summer to work

I've stayed in LA every summer to work and my dad comes to California for

and my dad comes to California for holidays. So Omaha is like a former life

holidays. So Omaha is like a former life in a way. The only person I keep in

in a way. The only person I keep in touch with is my friend Joss, but she

touch with is my friend Joss, but she pronounced him dead to her when he

pronounced him dead to her when he dumped me, so she's never mentioned him.

dumped me, so she's never mentioned him. I literally know nothing about his life

I literally know nothing about his life after we broke up.

after we broke up. I think we should table the questions

I think we should table the questions for now, Clark said, pushing Campbell

for now, Clark said, pushing Campbell out of the way as he stepped forward to

out of the way as he stepped forward to lean his arms on the counter in front of

lean his arms on the counter in front of me. I don't like your face right now.

me. I don't like your face right now. You okay, kid?

You okay, kid? Of course, I'm good, I said, grateful

Of course, I'm good, I said, grateful for my friends as Clark smiled at me

for my friends as Clark smiled at me with fatherly concern in his eyes.

with fatherly concern in his eyes. I was also grateful that I meant it.

I was also grateful that I meant it. I was good. It had been years. Wes and I

I was good. It had been years. Wes and I were different people and I was fine

were different people and I was fine now.

now. But I kept thinking about it on my run.

But I kept thinking about it on my run. The way I hadn't been fine for a long

The way I hadn't been fine for a long time after the breakup.

time after the breakup. I cried a million tears into the Emerson

I cried a million tears into the Emerson baseball sweatshirt that I didn't give

baseball sweatshirt that I didn't give back. Mourning a loss I couldn't

back. Mourning a loss I couldn't understand.

understand. It had been impossible to accept. Going

It had been impossible to accept. Going from madly in love to utterly alone

from madly in love to utterly alone overnight.

overnight. God, I'd foolishly overthought so many

God, I'd foolishly overthought so many things from that phone call.

things from that phone call. He sounded sad. Did his voice crack at

He sounded sad. Did his voice crack at the end just before he hung up? What if

the end just before he hung up? What if this has everything to do with his dad's

this has everything to do with his dad's death and he still actually loves me?

death and he still actually loves me? Maybe I should call him.

Maybe I should call him. I deluded myself into believing so many

I deluded myself into believing so many things about that conversation

things about that conversation until I went home for Christmas break.

until I went home for Christmas break. Then I learned on New Year's Day the

Then I learned on New Year's Day the real reason why he'd dumped me. It had

real reason why he'd dumped me. It had nothing to do with his father or him

nothing to do with his father or him somehow still loving me and everything

somehow still loving me and everything to do with a beautiful girl named

to do with a beautiful girl named Ashley.

Ashley. I'd been a foolish, sillyhearted little

I'd been a foolish, sillyhearted little love lover back then.

love lover back then. But now I am not.

But now I am not. My brain hit reset when I showered,

My brain hit reset when I showered, thank God. And I spent the rest of the

thank God. And I spent the rest of the day focused on my classes. I had two

day focused on my classes. I had two tests. Aced one and struggled with the

tests. Aced one and struggled with the other before lunch. And then a guest

other before lunch. And then a guest speaker in my last lecture gave me a

speaker in my last lecture gave me a hand cramp from all the copious

hand cramp from all the copious note-taking. By the time Clark pulled up

note-taking. By the time Clark pulled up so we could go to Jackie, I was

so we could go to Jackie, I was exhausted.

exhausted. My phone buzzed.

My phone buzzed. Lilith, can you post another reel today?

Lilith, can you post another reel today? I got into the truck and replied

I got into the truck and replied after practice. She texted back. That's

after practice. She texted back. That's perfect. It's been a couple days and

perfect. It's been a couple days and with the exhibition game around the

with the exhibition game around the corner, we need to be pushing out a lot

corner, we need to be pushing out a lot more. I shot off a quick, of course,

more. I shot off a quick, of course, thrilled that she trusted me to post

thrilled that she trusted me to post content without running it past her

content without running it past her first. I was excited about that as we

first. I was excited about that as we drove toward the field. And when Super

drove toward the field. And when Super Massive Black Hole came up on Clark's

Massive Black Hole came up on Clark's playlist, I knew exactly what I was

playlist, I knew exactly what I was going to do. I loved Muse, especially

going to do. I loved Muse, especially the Resistance album, but it was

the Resistance album, but it was impossible for me not to picture the

impossible for me not to picture the Twilight baseball scene when that song

Twilight baseball scene when that song was playing, which cracked my brain wide

was playing, which cracked my brain wide open when we got to Jackie and the team

open when we got to Jackie and the team was already on the field practicing. I

was already on the field practicing. I swapped equipment with Clark because I

swapped equipment with Clark because I needed a lot of hitting and running

needed a lot of hitting and running footage, which would be perfect to set

footage, which would be perfect to set with the song and do a spin-off take of

with the song and do a spin-off take of the iconic, in my opinion, vampire

the iconic, in my opinion, vampire baseball scene. So, he was taking stills

baseball scene. So, he was taking stills and I was on video. And honestly, it was

and I was on video. And honestly, it was clicking so well and I was so into it

clicking so well and I was so into it that I didn't even notice Wes. I dove in

that I didn't even notice Wes. I dove in the second we got there, thrumming with

the second we got there, thrumming with the buzz of freshly sparked creativity.

the buzz of freshly sparked creativity. I focused first on hitting drills,

I focused first on hitting drills, getting as many long ball shots as I

getting as many long ball shots as I could from every batter. After that, I

could from every batter. After that, I switched to base running, really zooming

switched to base running, really zooming in to capture the snap of the ball as it

in to capture the snap of the ball as it landed in the glove. It wasn't until I

landed in the glove. It wasn't until I decided to get pitching shots, really

decided to get pitching shots, really wanting the long extensions that

wanting the long extensions that accompanied the release of the ball that

accompanied the release of the ball that I actually noticed Wes.

I actually noticed Wes. Of course, he was on the mound, so he

Of course, he was on the mound, so he didn't even know I was there.

didn't even know I was there. He had always been hyperfocused when it

He had always been hyperfocused when it came to baseball. His entire demeanor

came to baseball. His entire demeanor changed when he jogged out of the

changed when he jogged out of the bullpen. The easygoing attitude replaced

bullpen. The easygoing attitude replaced with an intensity that burned white hot

with an intensity that burned white hot in the darkness of his brown eyes. Like

in the darkness of his brown eyes. Like a match had been tossed directly into

a match had been tossed directly into the fuel of his passion.

the fuel of his passion. That jarring contradiction, the

That jarring contradiction, the crackling electrical undercurrent

crackling electrical undercurrent juxtaposed over his quick to laugh

juxtaposed over his quick to laugh carelessness, was a powerful thing to

carelessness, was a powerful thing to behold.

behold. He was that way. 0 to 100 intensity

He was that way. 0 to 100 intensity with a couple other things as well. But

with a couple other things as well. But I sure as hell wasn't going to let my

I sure as hell wasn't going to let my mind wander in that direction.

mind wander in that direction. Focus, Liz. Film, Liz.

Focus, Liz. Film, Liz. And film I did. The more I filmed, the

And film I did. The more I filmed, the more I noticed the tiny details, like

more I noticed the tiny details, like the way he still flipped the ball and

the way he still flipped the ball and trailed the seam with two fingers before

trailed the seam with two fingers before every throw. And the way he still

every throw. And the way he still squeezed the ball and took a big deep

squeezed the ball and took a big deep breath before every pitch.

breath before every pitch. Something about those things felt

Something about those things felt romantic.

romantic. The ritual and habit of his hands on the

The ritual and habit of his hands on the ball.

ball. It was almost as if his fingertips and

It was almost as if his fingertips and those stitches were a comfortable old

those stitches were a comfortable old couple. intimately familiar with every

couple. intimately familiar with every inch of each other after a lifetime of

inch of each other after a lifetime of shared touches.

shared touches. I need to get some up close shots of his

I need to get some up close shots of his hands on the ball. I kept filming.

hands on the ball. I kept filming. And God, he was an artist with the ball.

And God, he was an artist with the ball. He was. The way his face went blank and

He was. The way his face went blank and intense all at once just before he let

intense all at once just before he let loose with a throw that was violent in

loose with a throw that was violent in its speed, slapping into the glove with

its speed, slapping into the glove with brute force, yet incredibly nuanced in

brute force, yet incredibly nuanced in its pinpoint accuracy.

its pinpoint accuracy. His long, lean arm fully extended on

His long, lean arm fully extended on release. The kick of his leg as he fired

release. The kick of his leg as he fired the ball. The rushing exhale of his

the ball. The rushing exhale of his breath when he let it fly.

breath when he let it fly. I was on my knees, on my stomach, on my

I was on my knees, on my stomach, on my tiptoes, and on the stepladder. He was

tiptoes, and on the stepladder. He was giving me every shot I wanted and making

giving me every shot I wanted and making me greedy for better angles, circling

me greedy for better angles, circling like a planet in orbit as I needed more,

like a planet in orbit as I needed more, more, more. Even after he finished

more, more. Even after he finished pitching, I filmed him playing catch

pitching, I filmed him playing catch with Mick and Wade. My camera now fully

with Mick and Wade. My camera now fully obsessed with his left hand and its

obsessed with his left hand and its relationship with the baseball.

relationship with the baseball. Think we got enough,

Think we got enough, huh?

huh? I lowered the video camera and was

I lowered the video camera and was shocked to see Clark, or anyone for that

shocked to see Clark, or anyone for that matter, beside me in the dugout. I'd

matter, beside me in the dugout. I'd been so sucked into the balletike

been so sucked into the balletike mechanics of that ball and its journey

mechanics of that ball and its journey from Wes's hand to the sweet spot of the

from Wes's hand to the sweet spot of the bat that everything else in the world

bat that everything else in the world had ceased to exist.

had ceased to exist. "You are in the zone, Bucks," he said,

"You are in the zone, Bucks," he said, shaking his head. You usually only give

shaking his head. You usually only give me that stupid stare when you're doing

me that stupid stare when you're doing music.

music. I uh I said for some reason out of

I uh I said for some reason out of breath and still not quite there. I was

breath and still not quite there. I was getting amazing vampire baseball footage

getting amazing vampire baseball footage because he was Clark. He knew exactly

because he was Clark. He knew exactly what that meant and he squealled.

what that meant and he squealled. Yes. Super massive colon family. [ __ ]

Yes. Super massive colon family. [ __ ] yes. This reel is going to be amazing,

yes. This reel is going to be amazing, bro.

bro. He was right. It would be. And as I

He was right. It would be. And as I listened to him go on about it, I got

listened to him go on about it, I got even more excited

even more excited because I'd been able to forget

because I'd been able to forget emotionally about my history with Wes

emotionally about my history with Wes when he'd been pitching. The flashback

when he'd been pitching. The flashback from earlier that day was gone, nowhere

from earlier that day was gone, nowhere to be found. As I did my job,

to be found. As I did my job, I Liz Bucksbomb could focus on Wes

I Liz Bucksbomb could focus on Wes Bennett, the ace pitcher, and

Bennett, the ace pitcher, and concentrate on the creative part of my

concentrate on the creative part of my job without falling apart.

job without falling apart. He was just another random athlete at

He was just another random athlete at the university.

the university. This wasn't going to be a big deal at

This wasn't going to be a big deal at all.

Chapter 15. Oh my god, look at your face. You love

Oh my god, look at your face. You love her. Promact,

her. Promact, Wes.

Wes. I stepped under the shower head, turning

I stepped under the shower head, turning my face up and letting the hot water

my face up and letting the hot water pour over me. I was one of the last guys

pour over me. I was one of the last guys there because I'd stayed late to talk to

there because I'd stayed late to talk to Ross after practice, so it was quiet in

Ross after practice, so it was quiet in the locker room. My muscles were sore. I

the locker room. My muscles were sore. I was tired. Yet, I couldn't remember the

was tired. Yet, I couldn't remember the last time I felt this alive because

last time I felt this alive because praise Jesus, after working my ass off

praise Jesus, after working my ass off over the weekend, I was back. I just

over the weekend, I was back. I just spent an entire practice being steady

spent an entire practice being steady freaking Eddie, as consistent as I'd

freaking Eddie, as consistent as I'd ever been in my entire life. Pitching

ever been in my entire life. Pitching actually felt fun again today. Mostly

actually felt fun again today. Mostly because my dad's voice hadn't whispered

because my dad's voice hadn't whispered a single syllable as I threw strike

a single syllable as I threw strike after strike. I hadn't wanted practice

after strike. I hadn't wanted practice to end, especially when Liz was there

to end, especially when Liz was there the entire time filming me. Sure, Clark

the entire time filming me. Sure, Clark was around, but that dude was taking

was around, but that dude was taking random pictures of everyone. Liz, on the

random pictures of everyone. Liz, on the other hand, had been primarily focused

other hand, had been primarily focused on me. I knew she was just doing her

on me. I knew she was just doing her job. But anytime she was in my world, I

job. But anytime she was in my world, I was happier. I got dressed and was

was happier. I got dressed and was almost ready to take off when I saw it.

almost ready to take off when I saw it. The starting lineup. The starting lineup

The starting lineup. The starting lineup for Saturday's exhibition game was taped

for Saturday's exhibition game was taped up by the door. My good mood was

up by the door. My good mood was immediately wiped out by stress as I

immediately wiped out by stress as I slowly walked over. Half the guys

slowly walked over. Half the guys probably hadn't even looked at it

probably hadn't even looked at it because it wasn't a real game. Who cared

because it wasn't a real game. Who cared who was starting? The coaches were going

who was starting? The coaches were going to rotate everyone in and out, so it

to rotate everyone in and out, so it legitimately didn't matter to anyone but

legitimately didn't matter to anyone but me. I inhaled through my nose and

me. I inhaled through my nose and stepped closer, my eyes tracking down

stepped closer, my eyes tracking down the list, looking for the picture. You

the list, looking for the picture. You up for it? I heard from behind me.

up for it? I heard from behind me. "What?" I turned around and Ross was

"What?" I turned around and Ross was leaning against the wall, looking down

leaning against the wall, looking down at his phone. "We've got you down for

at his phone. "We've got you down for the start," he said, his eyes still on

the start," he said, his eyes still on the phone. "And I just want to make sure

the phone. "And I just want to make sure you're ready." "Seriously?"

you're ready." "Seriously?" Normally, I'd try to be cool, but it was

Normally, I'd try to be cool, but it was Ross. I was beaming like a goddamn

Ross. I was beaming like a goddamn toddler as I couldn't stop myself from

toddler as I couldn't stop myself from yelling, "You're not messing with me,

yelling, "You're not messing with me, right? Christ, Bennett, you're

right? Christ, Bennett, you're embarrassing yourself." he said. But the

embarrassing yourself." he said. But the smile on his face was almost as big as

smile on his face was almost as big as mine. "It's just an exhibition game.

mine. "It's just an exhibition game. Settle down." "I can't," I said,

Settle down." "I can't," I said, wondering why my throat was scratchy. "I

wondering why my throat was scratchy. "I know." He gave me a nod like he was

know." He gave me a nod like he was acknowledging that everything that the

acknowledging that everything that the exhibition game meant to me personally,

exhibition game meant to me personally, and said, "Just don't do something

and said, "Just don't do something stupid like busting an ankle or throwing

stupid like busting an ankle or throwing out your arm before Saturday." I won't,

out your arm before Saturday." I won't, I said around a laugh, a little too

I said around a laugh, a little too close to happy tears for my comfort. I

close to happy tears for my comfort. I pretty much sprinted out of there after

pretty much sprinted out of there after ripping the paper off the wall and

ripping the paper off the wall and putting it in my bag because I knew my

putting it in my bag because I knew my mom would want it. Filled with a wild

mom would want it. Filled with a wild energy that gave me the urge to turn

energy that gave me the urge to turn cartwheels all the way back to campus. I

cartwheels all the way back to campus. I swear to God, the second I was outside,

swear to God, the second I was outside, I facetimed Sarah. What? She answered,

I facetimed Sarah. What? She answered, and it looked like she was walking to

and it looked like she was walking to class or from it. She was definitely

class or from it. She was definitely walking somewhere on campus as she said,

walking somewhere on campus as she said, "Why are you bothering me when I'm late

"Why are you bothering me when I'm late to class?" "Because I thought I should

to class?" "Because I thought I should give you a heads up that I'm starting

give you a heads up that I'm starting Saturday just in case you want to ditch

Saturday just in case you want to ditch Stanford to road trip it down here and

Stanford to road trip it down here and catch an exhibition game." "Oh my god!"

catch an exhibition game." "Oh my god!" Sarah screamed, her face swallowed by

Sarah screamed, her face swallowed by that little brat smile of hers. She

that little brat smile of hers. She stopped walking and said, "You're

stopped walking and said, "You're starting? Holy shit." "Right," I said,

starting? Holy shit." "Right," I said, still in shock. "Did you tell mom yet?"

still in shock. "Did you tell mom yet?" she asked, still squealing. I doubt she

she asked, still squealing. I doubt she can come, but she'll want to know. Oh my

can come, but she'll want to know. Oh my god. No, you're the first person I

god. No, you're the first person I called, I said, wondering if I'd ever be

called, I said, wondering if I'd ever be able to stop smiling. As it should be,

able to stop smiling. As it should be, Wesley. She laughed, raising a knuckle

Wesley. She laughed, raising a knuckle to wipe the corner of her eye. "I'm so

to wipe the corner of her eye. "I'm so happy for you." Sarah was one of the

happy for you." Sarah was one of the only people who actually understood why

only people who actually understood why it was so important to me, which made it

it was so important to me, which made it important to her, too. It felt big for

important to her, too. It felt big for the Bennett. After everything, it was a

the Bennett. After everything, it was a chance for a redo. "Thanks," I said,

chance for a redo. "Thanks," I said, swallowing hard. "I'll let you get to

swallowing hard. "I'll let you get to class, and I have some happy skipping to

class, and I have some happy skipping to do that cannot be done properly or

do that cannot be done properly or safely while holding a phone." "Yeah,

safely while holding a phone." "Yeah, you go. Safety first. Later," she said,

you go. Safety first. Later," she said, laughing as she disconnected the call. I

laughing as she disconnected the call. I was on cloud9 for the rest of the week,

was on cloud9 for the rest of the week, feeling like I'd passed some sort of

feeling like I'd passed some sort of test by getting the start. My mother

test by getting the start. My mother baldled like a baby on FaceTime, which

baldled like a baby on FaceTime, which made me get a little choked up. It also

made me get a little choked up. It also made me remember the time I'd avoided

made me remember the time I'd avoided FaceTiming Liz because I didn't want her

FaceTiming Liz because I didn't want her to see me cry. But no way in hell I was

to see me cry. But no way in hell I was looking back at the past right now. Not

looking back at the past right now. Not when there was so much to look forward

when there was so much to look forward to. That forward only vision was the

to. That forward only vision was the main reason I gave a big old hell no to

main reason I gave a big old hell no to Lilith Grossman when she emailed again

Lilith Grossman when she emailed again asking if she could do a follow-up

asking if she could do a follow-up interview to the one Liz had already

interview to the one Liz had already done. She said she'd love to really

done. She said she'd love to really delve into the amazing way I'd overcome

delve into the amazing way I'd overcome adversity.

adversity. No [ __ ] thank you. I'd been a team

No [ __ ] thank you. I'd been a team player and answered Liz's questions like

player and answered Liz's questions like a good boy, but I was hard passing on

a good boy, but I was hard passing on anything more, especially when Liz

anything more, especially when Liz wasn't involved. I pitched lights out at

wasn't involved. I pitched lights out at all the practices leading up to the

all the practices leading up to the game. And by the time Friday night

game. And by the time Friday night rolled around, I had a hard time

rolled around, I had a hard time sleeping because I was so excited. It

sleeping because I was so excited. It was finally here. But the instant I woke

was finally here. But the instant I woke up Saturday morning, I could feel that

up Saturday morning, I could feel that the stress was back. Every ounce of

the stress was back. Every ounce of excitement I'd had was now replaced with

excitement I'd had was now replaced with fear. What if I fail? I laughed with the

fear. What if I fail? I laughed with the guys when we grabbed breakfast at

guys when we grabbed breakfast at Bplate, trying a fake it till you make

Bplate, trying a fake it till you make it attitude as they acted like it was

it attitude as they acted like it was just a regular day, but my stomach was

just a regular day, but my stomach was in a thousand tiny knots as I forced

in a thousand tiny knots as I forced down a brewin scramble in some oatmeal.

down a brewin scramble in some oatmeal. And as we rode to the field in mixed

And as we rode to the field in mixed car, I contributed to their inane

car, I contributed to their inane conversation while trying to shut down

conversation while trying to shut down my inner monologue that went something

my inner monologue that went something like, "Don't screw up. Don't screw up.

like, "Don't screw up. Don't screw up. Don't screw up." I needed to get a grip,

Don't screw up." I needed to get a grip, but it was like my brain was fixated on

but it was like my brain was fixated on all the ways this could go south.

all the ways this could go south. Getting the start had put one of my

Getting the start had put one of my ghosts in the grave. But what if I

ghosts in the grave. But what if I screwed up? What if all I'd accomplished

screwed up? What if all I'd accomplished with the start was to showcase how hard

with the start was to showcase how hard I could choke in a game? What if I

I could choke in a game? What if I proved to the coaching staff that they'd

proved to the coaching staff that they'd been wrong to give me the second chance?

been wrong to give me the second chance? Why so quiet, Bennett? Brooks asked as

Why so quiet, Bennett? Brooks asked as we did stretches on the field. He was

we did stretches on the field. He was relaxed and grinning, his knee planted

relaxed and grinning, his knee planted in the grass. And I was jealous of his

in the grass. And I was jealous of his energy. I don't think I've heard you say

energy. I don't think I've heard you say dick today. Dick, I muttered with a

dick today. Dick, I muttered with a forced grin, working into shoulder

forced grin, working into shoulder rotations while attempting some deep

rotations while attempting some deep breathing. I looked out at the stands

breathing. I looked out at the stands and inhaled slowly through my nose. It

and inhaled slowly through my nose. It was a warm California afternoon with

was a warm California afternoon with barely a breeze and a record number of

barely a breeze and a record number of fans had turned out for the exhibition

fans had turned out for the exhibition game. The packed out vibe at Jackie was

game. The packed out vibe at Jackie was electric with music booming through the

electric with music booming through the speakers as the snap of balls hitting

speakers as the snap of balls hitting gloves was like bonus percussion to the

gloves was like bonus percussion to the party vibe. It was fall ball perfection.

party vibe. It was fall ball perfection. I let out my breath through my mouth,

I let out my breath through my mouth, glancing toward where my sister was

glancing toward where my sister was sitting with her feet propped up on the

sitting with her feet propped up on the seat in front of her, a blue bee painted

seat in front of her, a blue bee painted on her cheek. God, she's a cheese ball,

on her cheek. God, she's a cheese ball, I thought. And seeing her obnoxiousness

I thought. And seeing her obnoxiousness somehow helped. This is what I've been

somehow helped. This is what I've been working toward, and I need to enjoy it.

working toward, and I need to enjoy it. I told myself that as I finished

I told myself that as I finished stretches. But as soon as I grabbed my

stretches. But as soon as I grabbed my glove and started warming up, my dad's

glove and started warming up, my dad's voice was all I could hear. "What was

voice was all I could hear. "What was that, Wesley? Squirrely shit?" I heard

that, Wesley? Squirrely shit?" I heard as I threw high and inside, just as

as I threw high and inside, just as clearly as if he'd been on his feet in

clearly as if he'd been on his feet in the stands the way he'd been at all my

the stands the way he'd been at all my high school games.

high school games. Stop it. I wiped my forehead as Mickey

Stop it. I wiped my forehead as Mickey threw back the ball. It's only warm-ups.

threw back the ball. It's only warm-ups. Chill. But when I threw a wild pitch

Chill. But when I threw a wild pitch that Mick had to chase, I started

that Mick had to chase, I started freaking out a little because I was

freaking out a little because I was going to blow it. No wonder you didn't

going to blow it. No wonder you didn't want me to come to the game last time. I

want me to come to the game last time. I heard my dad yell from the stands. Quit

heard my dad yell from the stands. Quit messing around and throw him the gas.

messing around and throw him the gas. Dear God, he said those words to me.

Dear God, he said those words to me. Quit messing around and throw him the

Quit messing around and throw him the gas. no fewer than three million times

gas. no fewer than three million times over the course of my life. It'd been

over the course of my life. It'd been annoying as [ __ ] when he was alive, but

annoying as [ __ ] when he was alive, but now it was like nails on a chalkboard

now it was like nails on a chalkboard mixed with a blood curdling scream. I

mixed with a blood curdling scream. I was obviously losing my mind when I

was obviously losing my mind when I couldn't stop hearing my dad's voice,

couldn't stop hearing my dad's voice, right? I took a deep breath, trying my

right? I took a deep breath, trying my hardest to concentrate on clearing my

hardest to concentrate on clearing my mind. I closed my eyes and tried to find

mind. I closed my eyes and tried to find calm, but I could only picture his face,

calm, but I could only picture his face, which kind of made it hard to breathe. I

which kind of made it hard to breathe. I threw another pitch. Mickey should punch

threw another pitch. Mickey should punch you in the face for making him chase

you in the face for making him chase that trash. I looked out at the stands

that trash. I looked out at the stands at the spot behind home where he'd

at the spot behind home where he'd always stood, but no one was there. Of

always stood, but no one was there. Of course not, because he's dead, you

course not, because he's dead, you psycho. I was going to blow it. God damn

psycho. I was going to blow it. God damn it.

Chapter 16. I love you. I knew it the minute I met

I love you. I knew it the minute I met you. I'm sorry it took so long for me to

you. I'm sorry it took so long for me to catch up.

catch up. Silver linings playbook.

Silver linings playbook. Liz,

Liz, why does he look like that?

why does he look like that? >> Like what?

>> Like what? >> Clark was on my left filming and I was

>> Clark was on my left filming and I was crouched over by the visitors dugout

crouched over by the visitors dugout with my camera.

with my camera. like he isn't pitching. I said my zoom

like he isn't pitching. I said my zoom fully engaged on Wes's face.

fully engaged on Wes's face. He always looks like he's going to

He always looks like he's going to murder someone when he's throwing, but

murder someone when he's throwing, but today he looks like he needs a nap.

today he looks like he needs a nap. Clark made a noise like he found that

Clark made a noise like he found that funny.

funny. I don't know what that means.

I don't know what that means. I watched as Wes threw another ball that

I watched as Wes threw another ball that Mickey had to chase. and I could sense

Mickey had to chase. and I could sense in the dugout across from me that the

in the dugout across from me that the coaches who appeared to be standing

coaches who appeared to be standing around doing nothing were actually

around doing nothing were actually watching closely.

watching closely. I looked through the camera and could

I looked through the camera and could almost see the doubt about the new

almost see the doubt about the new freshman lefty. It had that vibe like

freshman lefty. It had that vibe like they were watching something fall apart

they were watching something fall apart and didn't quite know what to do.

and didn't quite know what to do. [ __ ]

[ __ ] Regardless of my feelings for him, I

Regardless of my feelings for him, I didn't want him to fail.

didn't want him to fail. It means he needs to find whatever

It means he needs to find whatever always pissed him off on the mound," I

always pissed him off on the mound," I said, feeling panicked as Wes looked

said, feeling panicked as Wes looked nothing like the way he'd looked every

nothing like the way he'd looked every time I'd ever seen him pitch or

time I'd ever seen him pitch or something.

something. I wasn't sure why, but I felt anxious.

I wasn't sure why, but I felt anxious. Like anxious to the point where I wanted

Like anxious to the point where I wanted to talk to him, to find something I

to talk to him, to find something I could say to remind him to chill the

could say to remind him to chill the hell out and just do what he knew how to

hell out and just do what he knew how to do.

do. just pitch Wes.

just pitch Wes. I didn't know him anymore and had no

I didn't know him anymore and had no idea what was going on in his head, but

idea what was going on in his head, but it was obvious that his issue was there.

it was obvious that his issue was there. He still had the talent and mechanics,

He still had the talent and mechanics, but he was clearly sabotaging himself,

but he was clearly sabotaging himself, which honestly wasn't surprising.

which honestly wasn't surprising. Right after his dad died, when his

Right after his dad died, when his coaches wanted to know when he'd be

coaches wanted to know when he'd be coming back to school, Wes kind of lost

coming back to school, Wes kind of lost it. I vividly remember the panic in his

it. I vividly remember the panic in his eyes as he told me on a FaceTime call

eyes as he told me on a FaceTime call that he didn't think he could even look

that he didn't think he could even look at a baseball now that his dad was gone,

at a baseball now that his dad was gone, much less throw one.

much less throw one. The idea of it made him physically ill.

The idea of it made him physically ill. So that had to be what this was, not the

So that had to be what this was, not the actual pitching itself.

actual pitching itself. He had to know that, right? I mean, of

He had to know that, right? I mean, of course he did. But what if he didn't in

course he did. But what if he didn't in this moment?

this moment? I set down the camera, reached into my

I set down the camera, reached into my bag, and ripped a page out of my

bag, and ripped a page out of my notebook. "Can you do me a huge favor?"

notebook. "Can you do me a huge favor?" I asked Clark, digging out a pen. I knew

I asked Clark, digging out a pen. I knew my words probably wouldn't help because

my words probably wouldn't help because he had an entire coaching staff with all

he had an entire coaching staff with all the baseball wisdom in the world to

the baseball wisdom in the world to share with him. But I was compelled to

share with him. But I was compelled to do something to try to help him just in

do something to try to help him just in case. I scrolled out a sentence, then

case. I scrolled out a sentence, then folded the paper in half.

folded the paper in half. >> What do you need? Clark lowered his

>> What do you need? Clark lowered his camera and looked over at me.

camera and looked over at me. I need you to run this over to the

I need you to run this over to the dugout and give it to Wes Bennett when

dugout and give it to Wes Bennett when he comes off the field. It was insane.

he comes off the field. It was insane. Both that I thought my words about

Both that I thought my words about baseball could help and also that I was

baseball could help and also that I was trying to help the jackass who'd broken

trying to help the jackass who'd broken my heart, but I couldn't stop myself.

my heart, but I couldn't stop myself. This wasn't about us after all. It was

This wasn't about us after all. It was about like UCLA sports.

about like UCLA sports. I was going to move over there for the

I was going to move over there for the first pitch. So, sure, he said, his eyes

first pitch. So, sure, he said, his eyes narrowed.

narrowed. But are you sure you want your boyfriend

But are you sure you want your boyfriend to be the one passing notes to your ex?

to be the one passing notes to your ex? It's not a love note, I said, suddenly

It's not a love note, I said, suddenly nervous as hell about what I was about

nervous as hell about what I was about to do. It was a terrible idea reaching

to do. It was a terrible idea reaching out to West Bennett, but I somehow felt

out to West Bennett, but I somehow felt like I needed to.

like I needed to. So, I think it'll be fine.

So, I think it'll be fine. Then I'm on it,"

Then I'm on it," >> he said, taking the paper from my

>> he said, taking the paper from my fingers before walking away. When the

fingers before walking away. When the team started coming off the field, I

team started coming off the field, I pretended to be taking shots while I

pretended to be taking shots while I watched Wes through the camera lens. He

watched Wes through the camera lens. He dropped his glove onto the bench and

dropped his glove onto the bench and grabbed a bottle of water, his face full

grabbed a bottle of water, his face full of tension.

of tension. Where the hell is Clark?

Where the hell is Clark? I kept watching the voyer with the

I kept watching the voyer with the camera as Wes squirted water into his

camera as Wes squirted water into his mouth, his throat moving around a

mouth, his throat moving around a swallow that was wildly distracting.

swallow that was wildly distracting. Why is that distracting?

Why is that distracting? My heart was racing. Oh god. When Clark

My heart was racing. Oh god. When Clark appeared beside him, I couldn't read his

appeared beside him, I couldn't read his lips, but as Clark spoke to Wes, I had

lips, but as Clark spoke to Wes, I had regrets.

regrets. Maybe I shouldn't have sent him into the

Maybe I shouldn't have sent him into the dugout. Wes lowered the bottle and

dugout. Wes lowered the bottle and looked at Clark through narrowed eyes

looked at Clark through narrowed eyes like he didn't quite understand. But

like he didn't quite understand. But Clark just kept talking. And then he

Clark just kept talking. And then he held out the paper. Oh god.

The paper that I had sent over. Oh my god. I felt shaky as I watched Wes's big

god. I felt shaky as I watched Wes's big fingers unfold the note. What was I

fingers unfold the note. What was I thinking? His dark eyes spent a few

thinking? His dark eyes spent a few moments on the paper, and I felt like a

moments on the paper, and I felt like a fool, like a ridiculous, childish [ __ ]

fool, like a ridiculous, childish [ __ ] who thought her inane words about

who thought her inane words about baseball could somehow help a D1 college

baseball could somehow help a D1 college pitcher throw himself out of a funk. My

pitcher throw himself out of a funk. My face was on fire because I was mortified

face was on fire because I was mortified by my impulsivity.

by my impulsivity. Wes looked up from the paper and said,

Wes looked up from the paper and said, "Thanks, man." with a nod before Clark

"Thanks, man." with a nod before Clark turned and walked away.

turned and walked away. But as soon as Clark was gone, I watched

But as soon as Clark was gone, I watched Wes's mouth slide into a slow, wide

Wes's mouth slide into a slow, wide smirk.

smirk. That smirk, dear God.

That smirk, dear God. And then he was looking at me. Even

And then he was looking at me. Even though the camera was between us as well

though the camera was between us as well as the home plate portion of the

as the home plate portion of the infield, his eye contact was intensely

infield, his eye contact was intensely direct as he mouthed the words.

direct as he mouthed the words. Thank you to me.

Thank you to me. I quickly turned my back to him,

I quickly turned my back to him, unwilling to acknowledge what had just

unwilling to acknowledge what had just transpired. My face was scorchingly hot

transpired. My face was scorchingly hot as I started taking shots of the

as I started taking shots of the outfield, of the fans in the stands, of

outfield, of the fans in the stands, of anything that wasn't West Bennett. I was

anything that wasn't West Bennett. I was the world's biggest loser because it was

the world's biggest loser because it was such a little Liz move. Sending a

such a little Liz move. Sending a missive via courier to the pitcher in

missive via courier to the pitcher in the dugout. The little weirdy loved that

the dugout. The little weirdy loved that stuff and I was mad at myself for

stuff and I was mad at myself for accidentally doing something she would

accidentally doing something she would have approved of. But as soon as the

have approved of. But as soon as the game started, I stopped caring. The

game started, I stopped caring. The stadium had a first game of the season

stadium had a first game of the season electricity about it where it seemed

electricity about it where it seemed like every attendee was watching with

like every attendee was watching with baited breath in anticipation of what

baited breath in anticipation of what was about to come.

was about to come. It was sunny and warm without a cloud in

It was sunny and warm without a cloud in the sky. And the whole package was a

the sky. And the whole package was a creator's dream. The perfect setting

creator's dream. The perfect setting with the perfect action.

with the perfect action. I was almost overwhelmed by the wealth

I was almost overwhelmed by the wealth of images in front of me, my hands in a

of images in front of me, my hands in a frenzy to capture as much as I could. My

frenzy to capture as much as I could. My camera and I were all over the place,

camera and I were all over the place, but I froze when power started playing

but I froze when power started playing over the speakers.

over the speakers. I turned just in time to see Wes take

I turned just in time to see Wes take the mound.

the mound. He was all powerful legs and wide chest

He was all powerful legs and wide chest as he walked out, big and imposing in

as he walked out, big and imposing in the pinstriped uniform. He moved like he

the pinstriped uniform. He moved like he was going to get an easy three or kick

was going to get an easy three or kick the crap out of any batter who dared to

the crap out of any batter who dared to make contact.

make contact. And holy holy [ __ ] he was a sight to

And holy holy [ __ ] he was a sight to behold.

behold. Underneath the Bruin blue baseball cap,

Underneath the Bruin blue baseball cap, his face was a mask of rigid

his face was a mask of rigid concentration.

concentration. I was holding my camera but too stunned

I was holding my camera but too stunned by his walk out to do anything but

by his walk out to do anything but stare.

stare. Wes [ __ ] Bennett. Ladies and

Wes [ __ ] Bennett. Ladies and gentlemen,

gentlemen, I had zero interest in him, but

I had zero interest in him, but objectively speaking, he looked like

objectively speaking, he looked like baseball perfection.

baseball perfection. I moved to a better vantage point so I

I moved to a better vantage point so I could get shots of his warm-up throws,

could get shots of his warm-up throws, which were relaxed and accurate.

which were relaxed and accurate. So far so good, I thought. But I was

So far so good, I thought. But I was nervous when the first batter from the

nervous when the first batter from the other team came out. Again, I had no

other team came out. Again, I had no skin in Wes's game, but as a fan of all

skin in Wes's game, but as a fan of all things Bruins, I wanted the team to do

things Bruins, I wanted the team to do well during their first official outing.

well during their first official outing. I watched Wes take a breath and trace

I watched Wes take a breath and trace the seam of the ball and then he kicked

the seam of the ball and then he kicked up that front leg and it was on. He

up that front leg and it was on. He threw a fast ball down the middle, then

threw a fast ball down the middle, then another one, then finished off the first

another one, then finished off the first batter with a curve ball. That was

batter with a curve ball. That was ridiculous.

ridiculous. The fans cheered and I was able to

The fans cheered and I was able to breathe a sigh of relief as Wes

breathe a sigh of relief as Wes readjusted his cap while the next batter

readjusted his cap while the next batter came out. And as I snapped photos of the

came out. And as I snapped photos of the next two hitters that he made light work

next two hitters that he made light work of, I realized that my concern for him

of, I realized that my concern for him was actually a great sign.

was actually a great sign. It was proof, indisputable evidence that

It was proof, indisputable evidence that I was light years away from being the

I was light years away from being the girl he'd once destroyed. Our history

girl he'd once destroyed. Our history was so far in my past that I was

was so far in my past that I was genuinely able to cheer for his success.

Chapter 17. You're in love with me. Why? Beats the

You're in love with me. Why? Beats the [ __ ] out of me. The ugly truth

[ __ ] out of me. The ugly truth was.

was. That felt so damn good. Agreed. I said

That felt so damn good. Agreed. I said to Mickey as we ran toward the dugout

to Mickey as we ran toward the dugout and I felt like I was floating. I would

and I felt like I was floating. I would have liked to be cool and not smile as

have liked to be cool and not smile as the relaxed crowd cheered for us, but

the relaxed crowd cheered for us, but that was impossible because I just

that was impossible because I just pitched a no hitter. Granted, it was a

pitched a no hitter. Granted, it was a one inning no hitter in an exhibition

one inning no hitter in an exhibition game, which didn't mean dick, but it

game, which didn't mean dick, but it felt like 12 innings in the World Series

felt like 12 innings in the World Series to me. Swear to God, I felt lighter now

to me. Swear to God, I felt lighter now than I'd felt since moving to LA. Now

than I'd felt since moving to LA. Now that I'd pitched through the [ __ ]

that I'd pitched through the [ __ ] [ __ ] fire, Bennett," Ross said

[ __ ] fire, Bennett," Ross said without looking at me as I stepped down

without looking at me as I stepped down into the dugout. And those three words

into the dugout. And those three words meant a lot. I wasn't some little kid

meant a lot. I wasn't some little kid who needed a father figure now that I no

who needed a father figure now that I no longer had one. But there was something

longer had one. But there was something about Ross's opinions and respect. That

about Ross's opinions and respect. That mattered a hell of a lot to me.

mattered a hell of a lot to me. "Thanks," I said, throwing down my glove

"Thanks," I said, throwing down my glove and reaching for a water. I felt like I

and reaching for a water. I felt like I could do anything because not only had I

could do anything because not only had I shut down the voices and pitched my

shut down the voices and pitched my game, but Liz tried to help me. Liz

game, but Liz tried to help me. Liz tried to help me. Me. I kind of didn't

tried to help me. Me. I kind of didn't know what to do with that, especially

know what to do with that, especially when her boyfriend had been the one to

when her boyfriend had been the one to bring me the note. But I take it because

bring me the note. But I take it because something about knowing she cared that I

something about knowing she cared that I was struggling felt important. Not for

was struggling felt important. Not for her and me in regard to our past or

her and me in regard to our past or future, but for me. I'd struggled alone

future, but for me. I'd struggled alone through a lot since my dad died. And it

through a lot since my dad died. And it felt good to know she was still there.

felt good to know she was still there. She might be further away, and she might

She might be further away, and she might not love me anymore, but she was still

not love me anymore, but she was still [ __ ] there. And that made me feel

[ __ ] there. And that made me feel closer to whole than I'd felt in years.

closer to whole than I'd felt in years. After that ending, the rest of the game

After that ending, the rest of the game was like a party. I stood in the dugout,

was like a party. I stood in the dugout, leaning on the rail with guys on both

leaning on the rail with guys on both sides of me. And for the first time

sides of me. And for the first time since committing the second time around,

since committing the second time around, it felt like I belonged, like I was

it felt like I belonged, like I was supposed to be there. I realized at the

supposed to be there. I realized at the bottom of the ninth as we beat on the

bottom of the ninth as we beat on the fence when the closer came in that I

fence when the closer came in that I finally didn't feel like the guy who

finally didn't feel like the guy who found a way in, but still wasn't sure if

found a way in, but still wasn't sure if it was going to stick or not. No, it was

it was going to stick or not. No, it was my team and I wasn't going anywhere.

my team and I wasn't going anywhere. After the game, I grabbed a quick dinner

After the game, I grabbed a quick dinner with Sarah before she went to meet up

with Sarah before she went to meet up with friends she had in LA. It was

with friends she had in LA. It was laid-back, the perfect ending to the

laid-back, the perfect ending to the day. And it wouldn't be my sister if she

day. And it wouldn't be my sister if she didn't butt her nose in and say, "I saw

didn't butt her nose in and say, "I saw Liz by the dugout, by the way." "Yeah,"

Liz by the dugout, by the way." "Yeah," I said, rolling my eyes as I finished

I said, rolling my eyes as I finished the last of my steamed rice. I loved the

the last of my steamed rice. I loved the boiling crab. We'd come here with my

boiling crab. We'd come here with my parents on my first college visit, and I

parents on my first college visit, and I basically wanted to lick my plate clean

basically wanted to lick my plate clean every time. "Congratulations on having

every time. "Congratulations on having eyes." Thanks," she said, grinning as

eyes." Thanks," she said, grinning as she lifted her last crab leg. "But what

she lifted her last crab leg. "But what are you waiting for with her, Wes? Why

are you waiting for with her, Wes? Why don't you sh" I interrupted, flicking

don't you sh" I interrupted, flicking her crab leg so it fell onto her plate.

her crab leg so it fell onto her plate. "Save the bossiness for tomorrow. Don't

"Save the bossiness for tomorrow. Don't ruin my moment." "Damn it, Wes," she

ruin my moment." "Damn it, Wes," she said around a laugh as she retrieved the

said around a laugh as she retrieved the leg. The truth was that I doubted

leg. The truth was that I doubted anything could hack the raging buzz I

anything could hack the raging buzz I had from the one-two punch of good

had from the one-two punch of good baseball on Liz Bucks. I was on top of

baseball on Liz Bucks. I was on top of the world. And even though I knew she'd

the world. And even though I knew she'd be excited about it, I couldn't bring

be excited about it, I couldn't bring myself to tell Sarah about the note

myself to tell Sarah about the note because what if she found a way to

because what if she found a way to explain it away? That note was on a

explain it away? That note was on a piece of paper that came from Liz's

piece of paper that came from Liz's notebook. She loved notebooks and

notebook. She loved notebooks and usually had no less than six going at

usually had no less than six going at once. Was folded by Liz's fingers, the

once. Was folded by Liz's fingers, the same ones that had danced magic over

same ones that had danced magic over piano keys while I begged for more and

piano keys while I begged for more and was handed off by Liz's grip that I

was handed off by Liz's grip that I could still feel on my shoulders to be

could still feel on my shoulders to be sent to me. To me. I didn't want it to

sent to me. To me. I didn't want it to make sense to be honest because it felt

make sense to be honest because it felt like a beginning. Fine, but I think

like a beginning. Fine, but I think you're a [ __ ] for not saying anything

you're a [ __ ] for not saying anything when she's right there, she said. She

when she's right there, she said. She took a bite before adding. You are a

took a bite before adding. You are a fool for pressing your nose against the

fool for pressing your nose against the glass when there's still a chance you

glass when there's still a chance you can have that donut. You did not just

can have that donut. You did not just call her a donut. Just because there's

call her a donut. Just because there's another customer inside the bakery with

another customer inside the bakery with your donut in his cart doesn't mean you

your donut in his cart doesn't mean you can't still grab it. Pastries are fair

can't still grab it. Pastries are fair game until they hit the conveyor belt. I

game until they hit the conveyor belt. I I stopped and dropped my fork, shaking

I stopped and dropped my fork, shaking my head. It was hard not to laugh all

my head. It was hard not to laugh all the time when dealing with Sarah because

the time when dealing with Sarah because she was so Sarah.

she was so Sarah. I'm not sure if I should be concerned

I'm not sure if I should be concerned about your intensity for baked goods,

about your intensity for baked goods, horrified you're wielding such terrible

horrified you're wielding such terrible analogies, or focused on straightening

analogies, or focused on straightening you out. All of the above, probably, she

you out. All of the above, probably, she said, shrugging. Also, I have regrets

said, shrugging. Also, I have regrets because I think donut could be a

because I think donut could be a euphemism for something nasty, but I'm

euphemism for something nasty, but I'm not sure. You're an idiot, I laughed,

not sure. You're an idiot, I laughed, reaching for one of her fries.

reaching for one of her fries. After she dropped me off, I decided not

After she dropped me off, I decided not to go out with the guys. I wanted to

to go out with the guys. I wanted to savor the waning hours of the memorable

savor the waning hours of the memorable day. So, instead of hitting a party, I

day. So, instead of hitting a party, I hit the steps outside my dorm. I leaned

hit the steps outside my dorm. I leaned back on my elbows and looked up at the

back on my elbows and looked up at the dark sky, soaking in the warmth of the

dark sky, soaking in the warmth of the Westwood night as the quiet sounds of

Westwood night as the quiet sounds of Saturday night on the hill played around

Saturday night on the hill played around me. I pulled out my phone and scrolled

me. I pulled out my phone and scrolled through my contacts until I got to her.

through my contacts until I got to her. Libby. I had deleted all previous

Libby. I had deleted all previous messages after the breakup, mostly

messages after the breakup, mostly because I knew I'd never stop rereading

because I knew I'd never stop rereading them like a favorite book. I could see

them like a favorite book. I could see myself as an 85-year-old man, no longer

myself as an 85-year-old man, no longer communicating in any language other than

communicating in any language other than recycled bucks bomb if I didn't make it

recycled bucks bomb if I didn't make it disappear. I looked at her name and

disappear. I looked at her name and paused, wondering if I should do it.

paused, wondering if I should do it. "What the hell?" I muttered to myself,

"What the hell?" I muttered to myself, then thumbmed out a message. "Is this

then thumbmed out a message. "Is this still your number, Bucks Balm?"

still your number, Bucks Balm?" I don't know what I expected, but it

I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't immediate conversation bubbles.

wasn't immediate conversation bubbles. Holy [ __ ] I sat up straight, staring at

Holy [ __ ] I sat up straight, staring at the bright phone in the darkness. But

the bright phone in the darkness. But the bubbles disappeared almost

the bubbles disappeared almost immediately.

immediately. Is it her? It has to be her, right?

Is it her? It has to be her, right? People didn't actually get new phone

People didn't actually get new phone numbers, did they? I sat there with my

numbers, did they? I sat there with my phone in my hand for a long time

phone in my hand for a long time waiting, but she never responded. Not

waiting, but she never responded. Not that I'd expected her to. But after the

that I'd expected her to. But after the note, it suddenly felt like anything was

note, it suddenly felt like anything was possible,

possible, which explained why on Monday, the smell

which explained why on Monday, the smell of her perfume had me searching for her

of her perfume had me searching for her in the hallway as I walked out of Chem.

in the hallway as I walked out of Chem. Thousands of people in the world

Thousands of people in the world probably wore that scent, but the second

probably wore that scent, but the second it found my nose, my eyes were on the

it found my nose, my eyes were on the hunt for red hair. And that old song

hunt for red hair. And that old song found my head. You got anesthesia in

found my head. You got anesthesia in your Chanel number five. I squeezed

your Chanel number five. I squeezed around the girl in front of me who was

around the girl in front of me who was slow exiting CS50 while looking down at

slow exiting CS50 while looking down at her phone. And as soon as I cleared her,

her phone. And as soon as I cleared her, holy [ __ ] there she was, Liz. I almost

holy [ __ ] there she was, Liz. I almost didn't believe it. She was actually

didn't believe it. She was actually there. She was standing by the wall on

there. She was standing by the wall on the other side of the doors, watching on

the other side of the doors, watching on tiptoes as the people poured out of the

tiptoes as the people poured out of the lecture hall, like she was looking for

lecture hall, like she was looking for someone. I had to force myself not to

someone. I had to force myself not to grin as I went straight for her.

grin as I went straight for her. Can I help you find someone? Bucks bomb.

Can I help you find someone? Bucks bomb. She hadn't seen me coming, so she looked

She hadn't seen me coming, so she looked at me in surprise.

at me in surprise. Oh, um, hey, Wes. I can't believe you're

Oh, um, hey, Wes. I can't believe you're stalking me already, I said, reaching

stalking me already, I said, reaching out a hand to mess with her hair. And we

out a hand to mess with her hair. And we just reconnected.

just reconnected. Haha, she said, but she didn't roll her

Haha, she said, but she didn't roll her eyes. And she didn't smack my hand. No.

eyes. And she didn't smack my hand. No. Liz tucked her hair behind her ears and

Liz tucked her hair behind her ears and said, "I actually was waiting for you."

said, "I actually was waiting for you." "Oh, what's this?" Something shot

"Oh, what's this?" Something shot through my body. "Happiness, maybe?" as

through my body. "Happiness, maybe?" as I committed to memory the way Liz

I committed to memory the way Liz Bugbomb looked on the day she'd shown up

Bugbomb looked on the day she'd shown up at my building to wait for me. "Long

at my building to wait for me. "Long curls, pink lips, white cardigan, white

curls, pink lips, white cardigan, white jeans. Do you have 5 minutes?" she

jeans. Do you have 5 minutes?" she asked, leaning in a little like she

asked, leaning in a little like she didn't want anyone to hear her. I just

didn't want anyone to hear her. I just need to run something by you really

need to run something by you really quickly. Did I have 5 minutes for Liz?

quickly. Did I have 5 minutes for Liz? My entire life, the answer to that had

My entire life, the answer to that had been something along the lines of hell

been something along the lines of hell [ __ ] yes. Electricity still shot

[ __ ] yes. Electricity still shot through every cell in my body when she

through every cell in my body when she spoke to me. And I was positive that was

spoke to me. And I was positive that was never going to change. For better or for

never going to change. For better or for worse. It's workrelated, she added

worse. It's workrelated, she added breathlessly, as if to make sure I

breathlessly, as if to make sure I didn't think it was personal. It was

didn't think it was personal. It was idiotic that something similar to

idiotic that something similar to disappointment settled in my belly. What

disappointment settled in my belly. What did you expect? That she was going to

did you expect? That she was going to tell you she missed you. I mean, of

tell you she missed you. I mean, of course, it was workrelated.

course, it was workrelated. I have to get to my next class, I said,

I have to get to my next class, I said, injecting boredom into my tone so she

injecting boredom into my tone so she didn't see how pathetic I was, how off

didn't see how pathetic I was, how off I'd been about what her appearance here

I'd been about what her appearance here could mean. Is this something your big

could mean. Is this something your big man can help you with? No, she said, her

man can help you with? No, she said, her eyes flashing with irritation before she

eyes flashing with irritation before she plastered on another madeup smile and

plastered on another madeup smile and said in a weirdly peppy voice. But it's

said in a weirdly peppy voice. But it's 5 minutes, Wes. Surely you can spare

5 minutes, Wes. Surely you can spare five tiny minutes. My next class is at

five tiny minutes. My next class is at Kaplan, I said, curious to know what she

Kaplan, I said, curious to know what she was up to. If you want to walk with me.

was up to. If you want to walk with me. Okay, she said, nodding and adjusting

Okay, she said, nodding and adjusting her backpack. But I could tell that her

her backpack. But I could tell that her mind was going a million miles an hour.

mind was going a million miles an hour. We didn't talk as we walked through the

We didn't talk as we walked through the crowded hallway, but once we stepped

crowded hallway, but once we stepped outside, she cleared her throat and

outside, she cleared her throat and repeated, "Okay."

repeated, "Okay." I glanced over at her, well, down and

I glanced over at her, well, down and over because she seemed shorter all of a

over because she seemed shorter all of a sudden. As we walked on top of the red

sudden. As we walked on top of the red bricks of the courtyard, and something

bricks of the courtyard, and something about the moment slapped me with a

about the moment slapped me with a homesickness so strong, I nearly

homesickness so strong, I nearly stumbled. How was the strength of my

stumbled. How was the strength of my want still so overpowering?

want still so overpowering? I mean, the setting was messing with me

I mean, the setting was messing with me for sure. The tall trees lining the

for sure. The tall trees lining the sidewalk, the stone buildings, the

sidewalk, the stone buildings, the immaculate fall vibes as students walked

immaculate fall vibes as students walked to class in the warm afternoon sun. This

to class in the warm afternoon sun. This was everything we'd experienced the

was everything we'd experienced the first time around. Those Polaroid days

first time around. Those Polaroid days of our first week at UCLA.

of our first week at UCLA. I piggybacked her down this very path

I piggybacked her down this very path when her shoes gave her blisters, and

when her shoes gave her blisters, and she joked that we were like Jess and

she joked that we were like Jess and Rory at Yale. if Jess had wanted to go

Rory at Yale. if Jess had wanted to go to Yale and Yale was hot and had leaves

to Yale and Yale was hot and had leaves that only turned marginally yellow. She

that only turned marginally yellow. She decided in between to what she called

decided in between to what she called our West Liz montage. "Knock it off."

our West Liz montage. "Knock it off." "Thank you for letting me talk to you,"

"Thank you for letting me talk to you," she said politely, looking like she was

she said politely, looking like she was about to launch into a prepared

about to launch into a prepared presentation. "I promised to stay under

presentation. "I promised to stay under 5 minutes." "See that you do," I said,

5 minutes." "See that you do," I said, looking away from her at the space in

looking away from her at the space in front of us as we walked. the damn

front of us as we walked. the damn lyrics ribboning around the campus

lyrics ribboning around the campus trees. He hates it when she's crying. He

trees. He hates it when she's crying. He hates when she's away. Even at their

hates when she's away. Even at their worst, they know they'll still be okay.

worst, they know they'll still be okay. Of course, she said, going even harder

Of course, she said, going even harder on the manners. So, here's the thing. I

on the manners. So, here's the thing. I know Lilith has reached out to you about

know Lilith has reached out to you about doing another interview, and I totally

doing another interview, and I totally understand why you declined. You do? I

understand why you declined. You do? I said calmly, more as a statement than a

said calmly, more as a statement than a question as I struggled to digest what

question as I struggled to digest what she just said. Was she seriously here to

she just said. Was she seriously here to try to talk me into doing Lilith's

try to talk me into doing Lilith's interview? That was what brought her to

interview? That was what brought her to my side of campus to convince me I

my side of campus to convince me I should tell my story of overcoming

should tell my story of overcoming adversity so the athletic department

adversity so the athletic department could get more clicks.

could get more clicks. I mean, I totally get wanting to keep

I mean, I totally get wanting to keep your personal life private, she said.

your personal life private, she said. But she really just wants to talk about

But she really just wants to talk about how you came to be at UCLA and on the

how you came to be at UCLA and on the baseball team. Again, that's not really

baseball team. Again, that's not really so private, is it? I kept walking

so private, is it? I kept walking knowing she was probably right, but

knowing she was probably right, but still feeling apprehensive as hell.

still feeling apprehensive as hell. Because not only did I not want to

Because not only did I not want to revisit that time in my life, but there

revisit that time in my life, but there was also a lot of stuff that went down

was also a lot of stuff that went down in my family that I really didn't want

in my family that I really didn't want to share with the public. In the past,

to share with the public. In the past, when faced with awkward silence, Liz

when faced with awkward silence, Liz tended to ramble. Apparently, my lack of

tended to ramble. Apparently, my lack of response triggered that reaction in her

response triggered that reaction in her because she launched into a babbling

because she launched into a babbling sales pitch, going on and on about how

sales pitch, going on and on about how nice it would be for me to be able to

nice it would be for me to be able to share what happened with the world. When

share what happened with the world. When we got to Kaplan and stopped walking,

we got to Kaplan and stopped walking, she finished with, "It's an incredible

she finished with, "It's an incredible story, the way it all transpired, and I

story, the way it all transpired, and I think it would be really cool for you to

think it would be really cool for you to share it." "What's incredible about it

share it." "What's incredible about it exactly?" I asked. "What?" She looked

exactly?" I asked. "What?" She looked surprised by that question. her eyebrows

surprised by that question. her eyebrows crinkling. "I'm just wondering what you

crinkling. "I'm just wondering what you know about my inspirational story," I

know about my inspirational story," I said as I realized I had no idea what

said as I realized I had no idea what she knew about my return and why you

she knew about my return and why you think it's inspiring at all. She pressed

think it's inspiring at all. She pressed her lips together and looked at me, her

her lips together and looked at me, her eyebrows scrunched as the breeze lifted

eyebrows scrunched as the breeze lifted the tips of her copper hair. "God, I

the tips of her copper hair. "God, I love those freckles." She sighed, pushed

love those freckles." She sighed, pushed at her hair, and admitted, "To be

at her hair, and admitted, "To be honest, I don't know anything, but if

honest, I don't know anything, but if Lilith thinks it's a good story, then

Lilith thinks it's a good story, then it's a good story." So, she'd never been

it's a good story." So, she'd never been curious enough about me to look. Noted.

curious enough about me to look. Noted. Who the hell is Lilith anyway? I asked,

Who the hell is Lilith anyway? I asked, unable to hide the irritation. I don't

unable to hide the irritation. I don't think I've even met her, yet she always

think I've even met her, yet she always seems to be in my inbox. She's my boss.

seems to be in my inbox. She's my boss. I'm her intern. Oh, well, that clears it

I'm her intern. Oh, well, that clears it up. I could tell by the way Liz raised

up. I could tell by the way Liz raised her chin that she didn't feel like

her chin that she didn't feel like elaborating. So, I said, "Well, I

elaborating. So, I said, "Well, I appreciate you crossing campus to do her

appreciate you crossing campus to do her dirty work, but please tell her no thank

dirty work, but please tell her no thank you." "No, thank you." She repeated

you." "No, thank you." She repeated slowly, obviously surprised I didn't

slowly, obviously surprised I didn't cave, she cleared her throat and said,

cave, she cleared her throat and said, "So, no, then you won't consider it at

"So, no, then you won't consider it at all." Nope," I said, allowing myself to

all." Nope," I said, allowing myself to stare into her eyes for a second under

stare into her eyes for a second under the guise of polite eye contact. "My

the guise of polite eye contact. "My happy place." "Why not?" she asked, her

happy place." "Why not?" she asked, her eyebrows going down. "I promise that

eyebrows going down. "I promise that will give you total control during the

will give you total control during the interview, and this will give you the

interview, and this will give you the chance to make your story what you want

chance to make your story what you want it to be." I shrugged, knowing my story

it to be." I shrugged, knowing my story would always be the story I didn't want

would always be the story I didn't want it to be because it centered on my dad's

it to be because it centered on my dad's death. "I just don't. What can I say to

death. "I just don't. What can I say to convince you? She asked, sounding and

convince you? She asked, sounding and looking a little desperate. We'll let

looking a little desperate. We'll let you review the footage. We'll cut

you review the footage. We'll cut anything you want us to cut. We'll

anything you want us to cut. We'll reshoot. I'm not doing it, I

reshoot. I'm not doing it, I interrupted, hoping she'd just accept it

interrupted, hoping she'd just accept it and move on. Why won't you at least

and move on. Why won't you at least consider it? She asked, her pitch rising

consider it? She asked, her pitch rising in frustration. It's one tiny interview,

in frustration. It's one tiny interview, Wes, that I would like to pass on, I

Wes, that I would like to pass on, I repeated. But thank you, God," she said,

repeated. But thank you, God," she said, then continued through clenched teeth.

then continued through clenched teeth. "Why are you so stubborn about this? Why

"Why are you so stubborn about this? Why are you so hellbent on making sure it

are you so hellbent on making sure it happens?" I asked. And as soon as I said

happens?" I asked. And as soon as I said it, I realized that was it. The thing

it, I realized that was it. The thing that I was missing. I seriously doubt

that I was missing. I seriously doubt that you care to hear my making it back

that you care to hear my making it back to LA story, so what's the deal? She

to LA story, so what's the deal? She blinked fast. I just think your

blinked fast. I just think your experience [ __ ] I interrupted. She

experience [ __ ] I interrupted. She blinked faster. "Don't you want to

blinked faster. "Don't you want to tell?" "No," I bit out, running a hand

tell?" "No," I bit out, running a hand over my head. "What's in this for you,

over my head. "What's in this for you, Liz? Why are you trying so hard to talk

Liz? Why are you trying so hard to talk me into it?" "Because I don't want to

me into it?" "Because I don't want to let Lilith down, okay?" she said, her

let Lilith down, okay?" she said, her voice rising as she squinted into the

voice rising as she squinted into the sun. "I don't expect you to care. But

sun. "I don't expect you to care. But Lilith is like a really big deal in the

Lilith is like a really big deal in the industry. She has a million connections

industry. She has a million connections that can mean everything for my career

that can mean everything for my career someday. So, if I have a chance to do

someday. So, if I have a chance to do her a favor, I am going to be hellbent

her a favor, I am going to be hellbent on making it happen. Her cheeks were

on making it happen. Her cheeks were red, her eyes hot, and my chest was

red, her eyes hot, and my chest was burning as I watched her crackle.

burning as I watched her crackle. "Please, just consider starting the

"Please, just consider starting the interview," she said, reaching out her

interview," she said, reaching out her hand and setting it on my arm, squeezing

hand and setting it on my arm, squeezing just the smallest amount, the physical

just the smallest amount, the physical manifestation of her knee to convince

manifestation of her knee to convince me. "Did she even realize she was

me. "Did she even realize she was touching me? If it's too intrusive, you

touching me? If it's too intrusive, you can stop, but at least try.

can stop, but at least try. I still didn't want to do it, but I

I still didn't want to do it, but I couldn't deny Liz what she wanted. I was

couldn't deny Liz what she wanted. I was a weak, weak man. I looked into the eyes

a weak, weak man. I looked into the eyes that I saw every night when I closed my

that I saw every night when I closed my own and said, "Okay,

own and said, "Okay, I'll do it."

Chapter 18. As you wish.

As you wish. the princess bride.

the princess bride. Liz,

what? I wasn't sure I'd heard him right. You seriously will?

You seriously will? I couldn't believe it. When Lilith asked

I couldn't believe it. When Lilith asked me that morning if I'd be willing to

me that morning if I'd be willing to talk to Wes for her to put in a good

talk to Wes for her to put in a good word and convince my old friend to

word and convince my old friend to consent to the interview that he'd

consent to the interview that he'd refused multiple times. Apparently,

refused multiple times. Apparently, I knew it was a terrible idea.

I knew it was a terrible idea. Wes would either mess with me for

Wes would either mess with me for funsies or just straight up refuse.

funsies or just straight up refuse. Either way, I wouldn't get the win for

Either way, I wouldn't get the win for Lilith.

Lilith. But here he stood, his dark eyes serious

But here he stood, his dark eyes serious as he watched me, almost like no one

as he watched me, almost like no one else was there, like he couldn't see the

else was there, like he couldn't see the people going around us and into Kaplan.

people going around us and into Kaplan. And his only thought was on me and our

And his only thought was on me and our conversation.

conversation. He said, "Yes,

He said, "Yes, but under one condition."

but under one condition." I inhaled through my nose, trying to

I inhaled through my nose, trying to snort some patience because here it was.

snort some patience because here it was. Knowing Wes, this condition was going to

Knowing Wes, this condition was going to make my life hell.

make my life hell. I looked up at him and said,

I looked up at him and said, "What's the condition?"

"What's the condition?" He said, "I'll do the interview,

He said, "I'll do the interview, but only if you ask the questions."

but only if you ask the questions." "But that's Lilith's job," I said,

"But that's Lilith's job," I said, ignoring whatever wildness was going on

ignoring whatever wildness was going on in my stomach as Wes spoke to me with

in my stomach as Wes spoke to me with the kind of intense eye contact that

the kind of intense eye contact that would have dropped a weaker version of

would have dropped a weaker version of Liz.

Liz. I let go of his arm. When had I even

I let go of his arm. When had I even grabbed it and said, "I can't do that."

grabbed it and said, "I can't do that." then I can't do the interview," he said,

then I can't do the interview," he said, shrugging as if he didn't care before

shrugging as if he didn't care before turning and walking away from me. "I

turning and walking away from me. "I seriously can't tell my award-winning

seriously can't tell my award-winning filmmaker of a boss that I'm doing the

filmmaker of a boss that I'm doing the interview for her documentary." "Come

interview for her documentary." "Come on," I yelled at his back, trying to

on," I yelled at his back, trying to convince him. "And why would you want

convince him. "And why would you want that? She's way better than I'll ever

that? She's way better than I'll ever be."

be." But I trust you," he said, turning

But I trust you," he said, turning around and walking backward. "I don't

around and walking backward. "I don't want to discuss this with anyone ever.

want to discuss this with anyone ever. But if I have to, I'd choose you over

But if I have to, I'd choose you over anyone else. I trust you."

anyone else. I trust you." It hurt how hard that sentence smacked

It hurt how hard that sentence smacked me because he shouldn't.

me because he shouldn't. He didn't deserve to trust me. I choose

He didn't deserve to trust me. I choose you over anyone else.

you over anyone else. And he hadn't chosen me. Not in the

And he hadn't chosen me. Not in the past. Not when it mattered.

past. Not when it mattered. For some reason, his calm words that

For some reason, his calm words that should have felt nice to hear. Maybe I

should have felt nice to hear. Maybe I guess knocked me a little off my

guess knocked me a little off my foundation,

foundation, making me wobbly.

making me wobbly. It's all in the past, I reminded myself.

It's all in the past, I reminded myself. Now we were just two people who used to

Now we were just two people who used to know each other.

know each other. I took a deep breath and said,

I took a deep breath and said, "I can ask her. I suppose."

"I can ask her. I suppose." "Yeah," he said, nodding. You should do

"Yeah," he said, nodding. You should do that.

that. "Okay.

"Okay. Um

Um I was rattled when I said, "When are you

I was rattled when I said, "When are you available to do it?"

available to do it?" He stopped at the bottom of the stairs

He stopped at the bottom of the stairs and crossed his arms, watching me with

and crossed his arms, watching me with an unreadable expression on his face.

an unreadable expression on his face. I'll have to check and get back to you.

I'll have to check and get back to you. Do you still have the same number?

Do you still have the same number? Oh, God.

Oh, God. We both knew what he was asking. Wes was

We both knew what he was asking. Wes was asking if I'd gotten the text he had

asking if I'd gotten the text he had sent the other night.

sent the other night. "Yes," I said, my voice barely audible.

"Yes," I said, my voice barely audible. because the emotions that had run

because the emotions that had run through me when I'd seen his name on my

through me when I'd seen his name on my phone had been almost too much. Wesy

phone had been almost too much. Wesy McBennett face. It was like getting a

McBennett face. It was like getting a text from a dead person and I'd been

text from a dead person and I'd been offkilter the rest of the weekend

offkilter the rest of the weekend because what could he have possibly

because what could he have possibly wanted?

wanted? Probably to thank me for trying to help

Probably to thank me for trying to help him during the game.

him during the game. That was what I told myself. But the

That was what I told myself. But the part of me that thought things like,

part of me that thought things like, "What if it was something else?" was

"What if it was something else?" was still frazzled days later.

still frazzled days later. I took a deep breath and met his eyes.

I took a deep breath and met his eyes. God,

God, the way he was watching me made

the way he was watching me made butterflies go wild in my stomach

butterflies go wild in my stomach because he looked at me like he knew me

because he looked at me like he knew me better than anyone else in the world.

better than anyone else in the world. Like he was seeing my every thought and

Like he was seeing my every thought and remembering our every moment. His gaze

remembering our every moment. His gaze not only saw through me, but it wrapped

not only saw through me, but it wrapped itself around me like a pair of strong

itself around me like a pair of strong arms.

arms. His gaze was more than familiar.

His gaze was more than familiar. His gaze was home.

His gaze was home. His gaze was backyard bonfires and late

His gaze was backyard bonfires and late night phone calls and cross-country road

night phone calls and cross-country road trips that led to hotel rooms with soft

trips that led to hotel rooms with soft sheets and cool, heavy comforters.

sheets and cool, heavy comforters. Sad songs in a hotel room started in my

Sad songs in a hotel room started in my head as I clenched my fists.

head as I clenched my fists. He had no right to look at me that way

He had no right to look at me that way anymore.

anymore. So I continued, hitting the syllable a

So I continued, hitting the syllable a little loudly as I forced myself to keep

little loudly as I forced myself to keep going, to look away from something that

going, to look away from something that he'd destroyed a long time ago.

he'd destroyed a long time ago. I chose to look at my fingernails when I

I chose to look at my fingernails when I said, "I guess text me your availability

said, "I guess text me your availability and I'll let you know when and where.

and I'll let you know when and where. Is your boyfriend going to be there?

Is your boyfriend going to be there? Who? Clark, I asked, looking up, then

Who? Clark, I asked, looking up, then wanting to kick myself because who else

wanting to kick myself because who else would he be referring to, dumbass?

would he be referring to, dumbass? Do you have other boyfriends at the

Do you have other boyfriends at the moment, Bucks?

moment, Bucks? His eyes were a little squinty, like he

His eyes were a little squinty, like he was amused by my obvious discomfort.

was amused by my obvious discomfort. A herm of giant blonde cameramen.

A herm of giant blonde cameramen. Funny, I muttered under my breath,

Funny, I muttered under my breath, rolling my eyes.

rolling my eyes. I was surprised he was your errand boy

I was surprised he was your errand boy on Saturday.

on Saturday. He was watching me that way again when

He was watching me that way again when he said, "Really interesting

he said, "Really interesting relationship dynamic, by the way, having

relationship dynamic, by the way, having him pass notes to your ex."

him pass notes to your ex." It isn't at all, I said instantly

It isn't at all, I said instantly regretting the defensiveness in my voice

regretting the defensiveness in my voice because the Wes Bennett of my childhood

because the Wes Bennett of my childhood lived for that reaction.

lived for that reaction. I tucked my hair behind my ears and

I tucked my hair behind my ears and said, "I mean, I don't even think he

said, "I mean, I don't even think he considers you my ex because he knows it

considers you my ex because he knows it was just a few forgettable months when I

was just a few forgettable months when I was a teenager."

was a teenager." "Did you know that you always swallow

"Did you know that you always swallow after you tell a lie, Libby?"

after you tell a lie, Libby?" He tilted his head and his mouth slid

He tilted his head and his mouth slid into a slow, wide smirk.

into a slow, wide smirk. That was such a throwback that I felt it

That was such a throwback that I felt it in my toes.

in my toes. You say the untruth,

You say the untruth, then immediately swallow and push your

then immediately swallow and push your hair behind your ears.

hair behind your ears. It's the same tell you had when you were

It's the same tell you had when you were 8 years old.

8 years old. I rolled my eyes again, forcing myself

I rolled my eyes again, forcing myself not to mess with my hair. I wanted to

not to mess with my hair. I wanted to say something biting, something that

say something biting, something that would hurt him, but I still needed his

would hurt him, but I still needed his help. So, I just said, "Okay."

help. So, I just said, "Okay." Which was so unfair. I hated that. I

Which was so unfair. I hated that. I also hated that he was seeing my cheeks

also hated that he was seeing my cheeks get red.

get red. Okay.

Okay. His smile went away, but the light was

His smile went away, but the light was still in his eyes when he said, "And

still in his eyes when he said, "And yes, I'll text you my schedule.

yes, I'll text you my schedule. Thank you, I said, unsure how to behave

Thank you, I said, unsure how to behave when he was giving me what I wanted

when he was giving me what I wanted while also kind of being an [ __ ] I

while also kind of being an [ __ ] I really appreciate this.

really appreciate this. No problem, he said, his eyes meeting

No problem, he said, his eyes meeting mine.

mine. As long as it's you, not Lilith.

As long as it's you, not Lilith. So, we have a deal? I asked, needing

So, we have a deal? I asked, needing confirmation.

confirmation. Yes, ma'am, he said.

Yes, ma'am, he said. his dirty half smile returning.

his dirty half smile returning. Did you want to shake on it or something

Did you want to shake on it or something else?

else? My cheeks caught fire and my mouth kind

My cheeks caught fire and my mouth kind of fell open for a second, momentarily

of fell open for a second, momentarily incapacitated and unable to come up with

incapacitated and unable to come up with a single word of response which made him

a single word of response which made him say oh so quietly.

say oh so quietly. There she is.

There she is. What? Who?

What? Who? little Liz.

little Liz. Before I could respond, he turned and

Before I could respond, he turned and started jogging up the steps, but not

started jogging up the steps, but not before I saw his grin.

before I saw his grin. It wasn't fair the way he still managed

It wasn't fair the way he still managed to get the last word. It was irritating

to get the last word. It was irritating as hell, and it annoyed me the entire

as hell, and it annoyed me the entire trek back to Morgan. I didn't see the

trek back to Morgan. I didn't see the green trees or yellow flowers as I

green trees or yellow flowers as I marched across campus because in my

marched across campus because in my brain I kept seeing his dickish smirk

brain I kept seeing his dickish smirk and hearing his deep voice saying,

and hearing his deep voice saying, "There she is,

"There she is, little Liz."

little Liz." But the irritation dissolved the minute

But the irritation dissolved the minute I stepped into Lilith's office and gave

I stepped into Lilith's office and gave her the news.

her the news. That's wonderful, she said, looking like

That's wonderful, she said, looking like perfection in her white button-down,

perfection in her white button-down, man's necktie, black cigarette pants,

man's necktie, black cigarette pants, and perfectly tailored pink wool blazer.

and perfectly tailored pink wool blazer. She was standing in front of her

She was standing in front of her brainstorming glass dry erase board,

brainstorming glass dry erase board, scrawling illeible notes that only she

scrawling illeible notes that only she could read when she added, "I don't care

could read when she added, "I don't care who asks the questions as long as I get

who asks the questions as long as I get to write them and edit the film." "Thank

to write them and edit the film." "Thank you, Liz."

you, Liz." "You're welcome," I said, relieved. TW's

"You're welcome," I said, relieved. TW's condition wasn't a dealbreaker for

condition wasn't a dealbreaker for Lilith. "I've already drafted the

Lilith. "I've already drafted the interview, so I'll just send you the

interview, so I'll just send you the questions. I've got a direction in

questions. I've got a direction in mind," she said, pushing up her black

mind," she said, pushing up her black glasses. "So, even though some of the

glasses. "So, even though some of the inquiries might seem irrelevant, you'll

inquiries might seem irrelevant, you'll have to trust me that they're leading

have to trust me that they're leading somewhere." "Okay," I said, nodding,

somewhere." "Okay," I said, nodding, entirely confident she knew what she was

entirely confident she knew what she was doing. "I also find it interesting that

doing. "I also find it interesting that young Mr. Bennett requires you

young Mr. Bennett requires you exclusively,"

exclusively," she said with a grin. "But I'm not

she said with a grin. "But I'm not saying a word." "Oh, no, it's not like

saying a word." "Oh, no, it's not like that," I sputtered. "He just Liz, I

that," I sputtered. "He just Liz, I know. It's fine," she said, turning to

know. It's fine," she said, turning to give me her full attention while her

give me her full attention while her smile was almost a laugh. "It doesn't

smile was almost a laugh. "It doesn't matter. I want his story, and you're

matter. I want his story, and you're getting him to give it. Relax.

getting him to give it. Relax. But I just want to make sure you know

But I just want to make sure you know that I do. I promise.

that I do. I promise. She held up a hand and said, "So, when

She held up a hand and said, "So, when is this happening?"

is this happening?" He's going to let me know later today

He's going to let me know later today what time he's available.

what time he's available. Okay.

Okay. She went back to her board, scribbling

She went back to her board, scribbling something impossible to read.

something impossible to read. Lilith was back on her outline and in

Lilith was back on her outline and in her own head when she said, "You can use

her own head when she said, "You can use my office for the interview and I'll

my office for the interview and I'll clear out whenever it's set." "Perfect,"

clear out whenever it's set." "Perfect," I said. And for the first time since my

I said. And for the first time since my conversation with Wes, it hit me the

conversation with Wes, it hit me the fact that I was going to be doing

fact that I was going to be doing another interview.

another interview. I'd been so busy scrambling to get him

I'd been so busy scrambling to get him to agree, then scrambling to get Lilith

to agree, then scrambling to get Lilith okay with his terms that I hadn't had a

okay with his terms that I hadn't had a chance for it to sink in.

chance for it to sink in. I was going to have to sit down with

I was going to have to sit down with Wes.

Wes. That thought hung over me the rest of

That thought hung over me the rest of the day, totally filling me with dread

the day, totally filling me with dread as I went to class and the library

as I went to class and the library because asking him random baseball

because asking him random baseball questions was no big deal. But I was

questions was no big deal. But I was worried about his questions.

worried about his questions. Was he going to ask me about the note

Was he going to ask me about the note about Clark?

about Clark? I just didn't want to deal with the

I just didn't want to deal with the everything that accompanied a

everything that accompanied a conversation with Wes Bennett.

conversation with Wes Bennett. At 10:30 that night, when I was

At 10:30 that night, when I was exhausted and exiting the library, my

exhausted and exiting the library, my phone buzzed. I took it out and my heart

phone buzzed. I took it out and my heart stuttered again at the sight of that

stuttered again at the sight of that stupid contact name.

stupid contact name. Wesy McBennett face. I needed to change

Wesy McBennett face. I needed to change that immediately. I clicked into edit

that immediately. I clicked into edit profile and changed the contact name to

profile and changed the contact name to Wes.

Wes. Wes.

Wes. I have time tomorrow morning after

I have time tomorrow morning after lifting. Does that work for you? I'd

lifting. Does that work for you? I'd make it work. I replied, "Yes. Do you

make it work. I replied, "Yes. Do you know where the Morgan Center is? We can

know where the Morgan Center is? We can do the interview in MC491."

do the interview in MC491." Wes, sounds good.

Wes, sounds good. I texted, "Great. See you then." My

I texted, "Great. See you then." My phone buzzed again. "Wes, wait, wait,

phone buzzed again. "Wes, wait, wait, wait." I looked at the message.

wait." I looked at the message. God, what was he doing?

God, what was he doing? I rolled my eyes and replied, "What?

I rolled my eyes and replied, "What? Wes,

Wes, what are you doing this very second?"

what are you doing this very second?" I replied.

I replied. Besides regretting that you have my

Besides regretting that you have my number.

number. Wes.

Wes. Yes. Besides that.

Yes. Besides that. I don't know why I answered, but I

I don't know why I answered, but I texted

texted just walking out of the library.

just walking out of the library. Wes. Oof. Late night on campus. Which

Wes. Oof. Late night on campus. Which library?

library? I stared at the phone, unsure how to

I stared at the phone, unsure how to proceed.

proceed. I could ignore him, but since I had to

I could ignore him, but since I had to meet him for an interview in the

meet him for an interview in the morning, that seemed stupid, but I

morning, that seemed stupid, but I didn't want to text with him either. We

didn't want to text with him either. We weren't friends.

weren't friends. I replied, "Pow,

I replied, "Pow, I'd gone there specifically because I

I'd gone there specifically because I was afraid of running into Wes if I went

was afraid of running into Wes if I went to the music library."

to the music library." Wes? No [ __ ] AJ's a pow right now. I'm

Wes? No [ __ ] AJ's a pow right now. I'm literally sitting on a bench outside of

literally sitting on a bench outside of Royce, waiting for him.

Royce, waiting for him. Powell and Royce were directly across

Powell and Royce were directly across from each other. The two buildings

from each other. The two buildings literally faced each other, so Wes was

literally faced each other, so Wes was in the vicinity.

in the vicinity. I speedwalked toward the steps, wanting

I speedwalked toward the steps, wanting to get out quickly before I ran into

to get out quickly before I ran into him. I texted, "You didn't have anything

him. I texted, "You didn't have anything to study tonight." Wes, I did, but I

to study tonight." Wes, I did, but I studied at the music library. Just got

studied at the music library. Just got done. Huh? I knew it. I knew he was

done. Huh? I knew it. I knew he was going to be at the music library. I

going to be at the music library. I started down the steps, proud of my mind

started down the steps, proud of my mind readading abilities as I texted.

readading abilities as I texted. Cool. See you tomorrow, Wes. Wes,

Cool. See you tomorrow, Wes. Wes, good night. Bug bomb. Also, Liz, I

good night. Bug bomb. Also, Liz, I texted.

texted. Yeah,

Yeah, Wes, the speed at which you're

Wes, the speed at which you're descending those steps is terrifying.

descending those steps is terrifying. Slow down before you trip.

Slow down before you trip. I cough squeaked a noise as I read his

I cough squeaked a noise as I read his words. God, he was watching me from

words. God, he was watching me from somewhere in the dark and forced myself

somewhere in the dark and forced myself not to look over my shoulder as I

not to look over my shoulder as I replied,

replied, "Good night, creeper."

Chapter 19. I'm scared of walking out of this room

I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole

and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you.

life the way I feel when I'm with you. Dirty dancing.

Dirty dancing. Wes,

Wes, I don't know what you're so nervous

I don't know what you're so nervous about. I don't either, to be honest. I

about. I don't either, to be honest. I probably look like I was talking to

probably look like I was talking to myself as I jog down the hill, talking

myself as I jog down the hill, talking to Sarah on the phone as she joged with

to Sarah on the phone as she joged with me from Stamford. Running together had

me from Stamford. Running together had become a thing with us over the past

become a thing with us over the past couple of years. So even though we were

couple of years. So even though we were at different schools, we still ran

at different schools, we still ran together a few times a week. She said,

together a few times a week. She said, "I think it's probably because aside

"I think it's probably because aside from Dr. Allison, you've never really

from Dr. Allison, you've never really talked about the specifics of that era

talked about the specifics of that era with anyone but me." "That's true," I

with anyone but me." "That's true," I said. Not even Noah had known what

said. Not even Noah had known what things were really like, and I talked to

things were really like, and I talked to him all the time back then. And Michael

him all the time back then. And Michael found out eventually, but even he didn't

found out eventually, but even he didn't know everything. I squinted into the

know everything. I squinted into the bright sunrise and said, "I guess I just

bright sunrise and said, "I guess I just feel unprepared to talk about it." "But

feel unprepared to talk about it." "But maybe look at it this way," she said. It

maybe look at it this way," she said. It felt good to discuss in therapy, right?

felt good to discuss in therapy, right? I went right at the bottom of the hill.

I went right at the bottom of the hill. "It did, but this isn't private." "And

"It did, but this isn't private." "And oh yeah, Liz will be the one asking the

oh yeah, Liz will be the one asking the questions because you requested that,

questions because you requested that, dipshit," she said. And I knew if she

dipshit," she said. And I knew if she were here, she'd be giving me her

were here, she'd be giving me her patented you're an idiot look. But for

patented you're an idiot look. But for real, there's nothing to be afraid of.

real, there's nothing to be afraid of. They want to know how you came back to

They want to know how you came back to baseball. So you just tell them about

baseball. So you just tell them about how it happened. But mom, mom is fine,

how it happened. But mom, mom is fine, she interrupted. Mom has overshared her

she interrupted. Mom has overshared her side of this to anyone who will listen.

side of this to anyone who will listen. Mom tells strangers at the grocery store

Mom tells strangers at the grocery store about how it all shook out. Mom would be

about how it all shook out. Mom would be disappointed if you failed to mention

disappointed if you failed to mention her issues. And you know I'm right. She

her issues. And you know I'm right. She was right. Our mom entered therapy as a

was right. Our mom entered therapy as a broken woman and came out well less

broken woman and came out well less broken and filled with the unstoppable

broken and filled with the unstoppable urge to tell everyone she met about her

urge to tell everyone she met about her experiences,

experiences, even the experiences that didn't paint

even the experiences that didn't paint her in the best light. Just treat this

her in the best light. Just treat this as free therapy. Stop overthinking and

as free therapy. Stop overthinking and talk to Liz like you're telling her the

talk to Liz like you're telling her the story. Do it and be done. Do it and be

story. Do it and be done. Do it and be done. That was a good way to think of

done. That was a good way to think of it. I was going to do it and be done.

it. I was going to do it and be done. Speaking of mother dearest, has she

Speaking of mother dearest, has she confirmed that she's picking us up from

confirmed that she's picking us up from the airport? Yeah, she finally got back

the airport? Yeah, she finally got back to me yesterday. I said the house had

to me yesterday. I said the house had finally sold, so Sarah and I were going

finally sold, so Sarah and I were going home next week to help my mom with the

home next week to help my mom with the closing. Neither of us were looking

closing. Neither of us were looking forward to it, but we couldn't expect

forward to it, but we couldn't expect her to do everything herself.

her to do everything herself. I also kind of wanted to say goodbye to

I also kind of wanted to say goodbye to the house even as I absolutely didn't

the house even as I absolutely didn't want to say goodbye to the house. I went

want to say goodbye to the house. I went back to my dorm and showered and by the

back to my dorm and showered and by the time I was walking into a Costa for the

time I was walking into a Costa for the team lift my hesitancy about the

team lift my hesitancy about the interview was gone or minimized at

interview was gone or minimized at least. I was going to do it and be done.

least. I was going to do it and be done. Check that box and then hopefully never

Check that box and then hopefully never be asked about it again. After jumping

be asked about it again. After jumping on the force plate and going through

on the force plate and going through dynamic warm-ups on the turf, I headed

dynamic warm-ups on the turf, I headed back to the weightlifting racks.

back to the weightlifting racks. "Where's your boyfriend, Lizzy?" I heard

"Where's your boyfriend, Lizzy?" I heard Eli say as I turned the corner. And I

Eli say as I turned the corner. And I froze in my tracks when I saw her. Even

froze in my tracks when I saw her. Even though Liz filming workouts shouldn't

though Liz filming workouts shouldn't have been a surprise.

have been a surprise. There was Eli doing medicine ball

There was Eli doing medicine ball two-way dribbles against the wall while

two-way dribbles against the wall while Liz filmed him. "He has a name," she

Liz filmed him. "He has a name," she said, her attention on her work. and he

said, her attention on her work. and he wanted to get film of the strong guys

wanted to get film of the strong guys today, so that's why I'm on you. Hey,

today, so that's why I'm on you. Hey, why so mean?" he asked, smiling. "You

why so mean?" he asked, smiling. "You called me Lizzy, so you're asking for

called me Lizzy, so you're asking for it, aren't you?" Neither of them noticed

it, aren't you?" Neither of them noticed me, so I took a second to drink her in.

me, so I took a second to drink her in. She was wearing jeans and a black

She was wearing jeans and a black t-shirt, but the dock she had on and the

t-shirt, but the dock she had on and the black bow in the back of her curls made

black bow in the back of her curls made it more than just a t-shirt and jeans.

it more than just a t-shirt and jeans. They made it Liz, even without the

They made it Liz, even without the flowers and pastels.

flowers and pastels. I watched her record him and there was

I watched her record him and there was something about seeing her work that

something about seeing her work that fascinated me. She obviously knew what

fascinated me. She obviously knew what she was doing, but it was also obvious

she was doing, but it was also obvious that she was enjoying herself. Her body

that she was enjoying herself. Her body and her camera were in constant motion

and her camera were in constant motion while she filmed, and her focus reminded

while she filmed, and her focus reminded me of the way she focused on music when

me of the way she focused on music when she was working on a playlist. The rest

she was working on a playlist. The rest of the world existed, but she was

of the world existed, but she was uninterested in anything other than what

uninterested in anything other than what she was working on. God, I love that

she was working on. God, I love that about her. Good to see you made it home

about her. Good to see you made it home okay last night, Bucks Bal," I said,

okay last night, Bucks Bal," I said, needing to see those green eyes on me.

needing to see those green eyes on me. As expected, she whipped around like I'd

As expected, she whipped around like I'd startled her. But just as quickly as she

startled her. But just as quickly as she looked shocked, she covered it up. Liz

looked shocked, she covered it up. Liz swallowed and said, "Of course I did."

swallowed and said, "Of course I did." "I trust you had no problems getting

"I trust you had no problems getting back to your dorm." "I love when you

back to your dorm." "I love when you worry about me, Libby," I said, eating

worry about me, Libby," I said, eating up that frustrated fast blink. "Hell

up that frustrated fast blink. "Hell yes." She rolled her eyes, raised her

yes." She rolled her eyes, raised her chin, and I wanted to drop to my knees.

chin, and I wanted to drop to my knees. I just need you alive for the interview

I just need you alive for the interview this morning. She tilted her head and

this morning. She tilted her head and said, "After that, feel free to fall off

said, "After that, feel free to fall off a cliff." Eli started laughing, and so

a cliff." Eli started laughing, and so did I. Liz's mouth softened like she

did I. Liz's mouth softened like she wanted to smile with us, but wouldn't

wanted to smile with us, but wouldn't allow herself the luxury, and I was

allow herself the luxury, and I was taking that as a win. "Now you seem like

taking that as a win. "Now you seem like ex's," Eli said. Also, Liz, am I allowed

ex's," Eli said. Also, Liz, am I allowed to call you Libby? Not if you want me to

to call you Libby? Not if you want me to answer, she said, borrowing the line

answer, she said, borrowing the line from Pretty Woman. Her lips lost any

from Pretty Woman. Her lips lost any idea of a smile. And she said, "I hate

idea of a smile. And she said, "I hate that nickname." "Oh, you do not," I said

that nickname." "Oh, you do not," I said quietly, teasingly, wishing I could step

quietly, teasingly, wishing I could step closer and lower my face to the spot on

closer and lower my face to the spot on the side of her neck that always smelled

the side of her neck that always smelled ridiculously good. "Lib?"

ridiculously good. "Lib?" I walked away because there were some

I walked away because there were some deadlifts with my name on them. But the

deadlifts with my name on them. But the casual runin with Liz had me

casual runin with Liz had me anticipating our meeting. Not the

anticipating our meeting. Not the interview itself, but because Liz and I

interview itself, but because Liz and I in a room together, even if there was a

in a room together, even if there was a camera and a boyfriend, was still better

camera and a boyfriend, was still better than not being with her. And I was

than not being with her. And I was starting to suspect she didn't like

starting to suspect she didn't like Clark that much. I mean, they seemed

Clark that much. I mean, they seemed happy enough when I saw them together,

happy enough when I saw them together, but I'd spent a lifetime watching her

but I'd spent a lifetime watching her crush on guys. White eyes, pink cheeks,

crush on guys. White eyes, pink cheeks, knowing smiles. Those were her symptoms.

knowing smiles. Those were her symptoms. I'd witnessed them time and again,

I'd witnessed them time and again, hating them at the very same time they

hating them at the very same time they charmed the hell out of me. No one wore

charmed the hell out of me. No one wore loves sick like my Libby. Maybe it was

loves sick like my Libby. Maybe it was wishful thinking, but I'd never seen her

wishful thinking, but I'd never seen her look at Clark that way. I showered after

look at Clark that way. I showered after lifting, putting on a decent shirt and

lifting, putting on a decent shirt and jeans instead of my usual shorts/t-shirt

jeans instead of my usual shorts/t-shirt combo. I didn't know what was expected

combo. I didn't know what was expected of me clothingwise, but I didn't want to

of me clothingwise, but I didn't want to disappoint Liz, so I was airing on the

disappoint Liz, so I was airing on the side of caution. The sun was bright when

side of caution. The sun was bright when I exited the building and walked toward

I exited the building and walked toward Morgan, and for the first time, I

Morgan, and for the first time, I wondered what my dad would think of

wondered what my dad would think of this. I had avoided thinking about him

this. I had avoided thinking about him lately because I didn't want to regress

lately because I didn't want to regress on the field. But I couldn't help it now

on the field. But I couldn't help it now as I prepared to talk on camera about

as I prepared to talk on camera about his death. Part of me thought he

his death. Part of me thought he wouldn't like anyone knowing anything

wouldn't like anyone knowing anything about our life, but I also knew he'd

about our life, but I also knew he'd relish any opportunity for my game to be

relish any opportunity for my game to be under the spotlight. Hell, if he were

under the spotlight. Hell, if he were here, he probably would have already

here, he probably would have already called Lilith to see why we weren't

called Lilith to see why we weren't doing a bigger piece on my pitching.

doing a bigger piece on my pitching. He'd say something like, "Why would you

He'd say something like, "Why would you waste time talking to every mediocre

waste time talking to every mediocre player? Some of them won't ever see the

player? Some of them won't ever see the field when you can showcase a future

field when you can showcase a future star." I kind of wanted to laugh at the

star." I kind of wanted to laugh at the realization and call Sarah because it

realization and call Sarah because it was 1,000% what he would have done. That

was 1,000% what he would have done. That realization actually made me feel better

realization actually made me feel better about the whole thing. When I got to

about the whole thing. When I got to Morgan, I went straight to MC491,

Morgan, I went straight to MC491, even though I was a little early. I

even though I was a little early. I raised my hand to knock on the office

raised my hand to knock on the office door, which was cracked. But then I

door, which was cracked. But then I stopped myself when I saw Liz sitting

stopped myself when I saw Liz sitting behind the desk. My breath kind of got

behind the desk. My breath kind of got trapped in my lungs for a second, to be

trapped in my lungs for a second, to be honest, because I'd never met this

honest, because I'd never met this version of her before. She'd changed

version of her before. She'd changed since lifting, switching out the casual

since lifting, switching out the casual t-shirt for a black blazer, a crisp

t-shirt for a black blazer, a crisp white shirt, and a tangled mass of

white shirt, and a tangled mass of pearly necklaces wrapped around her

pearly necklaces wrapped around her neck. Her eyes were lined, her lips red,

neck. Her eyes were lined, her lips red, and her hair was all pulled back into a

and her hair was all pulled back into a tortoise shell clip. She looked like a

tortoise shell clip. She looked like a force, like she could head a boardroom

force, like she could head a boardroom without a single nerve. and I was hungry

without a single nerve. and I was hungry to know this person. "Hey," I said, my

to know this person. "Hey," I said, my voice cracking like I was a middle

voice cracking like I was a middle schooler talking to his crush for the

schooler talking to his crush for the very first time. She looked up and the

very first time. She looked up and the power of those eyes almost dropped me.

power of those eyes almost dropped me. God, I love her. "Hey," she turned her

God, I love her. "Hey," she turned her retrograde red lips into a polite smile.

retrograde red lips into a polite smile. "You're early." "Is that okay?" I asked.

"You're early." "Is that okay?" I asked. Her eyebrows went up. "Did Wes Bennett

Her eyebrows went up. "Did Wes Bennett just ask permission? I feel like I

just ask permission? I feel like I should check your forehead for a fever

should check your forehead for a fever or something. I feel like you should do

or something. I feel like you should do that, too. I pushed open the door and

that, too. I pushed open the door and walked into the office, pulled to be

walked into the office, pulled to be closer to her, needing less space

closer to her, needing less space between us. Where do you want me? We are

between us. Where do you want me? We are going to do the interview over there,

going to do the interview over there, she said, pointing to a small conference

she said, pointing to a small conference table to the right of the desk. But

table to the right of the desk. But Clark isn't even here yet. So, we're off

Clark isn't even here yet. So, we're off on the right foot then, I teased,

on the right foot then, I teased, smelling her perfume and feeling like a

smelling her perfume and feeling like a blood hound who'd been given the scent.

blood hound who'd been given the scent. I had it, and now it was all I could

I had it, and now it was all I could focus on. Which chair? She got up and

focus on. Which chair? She got up and came around the desk and sweet holy

came around the desk and sweet holy foxhunt, God saved me. She was wearing

foxhunt, God saved me. She was wearing tall black pumps. I was intimidated by

tall black pumps. I was intimidated by Liz as she said, "The one with the

Liz as she said, "The one with the picture behind it." Okay, I said,

picture behind it." Okay, I said, pulling out the chair and sitting. Until

pulling out the chair and sitting. Until now, I'd never given any thought to the

now, I'd never given any thought to the two years between us, educationally

two years between us, educationally speaking. But as I watched her move

speaking. But as I watched her move effortlessly around expensive film

effortlessly around expensive film equipment and stilettos, she very much

equipment and stilettos, she very much seemed like a junior who knew a hell of

seemed like a junior who knew a hell of a lot more than this nervous freshman.

a lot more than this nervous freshman. And those heels, I couldn't stop looking

And those heels, I couldn't stop looking at them. She moved like she'd been born

at them. She moved like she'd been born to wear them, looking a million lighty

to wear them, looking a million lighty years away from the little Liz who'd

years away from the little Liz who'd wobbled around in toy princess shoes.

wobbled around in toy princess shoes. "Please don't be pissed at me for saying

"Please don't be pissed at me for saying this, Liz," I said quietly, very aware

this, Liz," I said quietly, very aware that this was her world. "But I'm kind

that this was her world. "But I'm kind of intimidated by how cool you are now."

Chapter 20. I love you very much. probably more than

I love you very much. probably more than anybody could love another person.

anybody could love another person. 51st dates.

51st dates. Liz,

Liz, you are. I was impressed by how

you are. I was impressed by how unaffected I sounded as I managed a

unaffected I sounded as I managed a two-word response. I think I totally

two-word response. I think I totally pulled off mildly amused. But the truth

pulled off mildly amused. But the truth was that I was kind of having an

was that I was kind of having an internal freak out because over the past

internal freak out because over the past couple of years, every time I imagined

couple of years, every time I imagined running into Wes, I just wanted him to

running into Wes, I just wanted him to think I was cool, confident, successful,

think I was cool, confident, successful, and way over us.

and way over us. Too cool for him.

Too cool for him. Hell, if I was being honest, little Liz

Hell, if I was being honest, little Liz had worked her ass off her entire life

had worked her ass off her entire life in hopes of that jackass next door

in hopes of that jackass next door thinking she was cool.

thinking she was cool. So, it was really jarring to hear him

So, it was really jarring to hear him say the actual words.

say the actual words. "I am," he said, his eyes sweeping over

"I am," he said, his eyes sweeping over me. I felt them everywhere as his mouth

me. I felt them everywhere as his mouth slid into a boyish grin.

slid into a boyish grin. "I tried on two different shirts for

"I tried on two different shirts for today, for [ __ ] sake.

today, for [ __ ] sake. Oh god.

Oh god. I lowered my eyes to the empty chair

I lowered my eyes to the empty chair across from him, pulling it out and

across from him, pulling it out and sitting down. My face was hot as I gave

sitting down. My face was hot as I gave him a nonchalant.

him a nonchalant. That's funny.

That's funny. Those cheeks, he murmured, his voice

Those cheeks, he murmured, his voice deep and quiet.

deep and quiet. "Hey kids," Clark breezed into the

"Hey kids," Clark breezed into the office, dropping his stuff next to

office, dropping his stuff next to Lilith's desk. Am I late?

Lilith's desk. Am I late? >> No, I said my voice a little scratchy.

>> No, I said my voice a little scratchy. Wes was early. Had a boy, Clark said,

Wes was early. Had a boy, Clark said, nodding and grinning before walking over

nodding and grinning before walking over and dropping a peck on the top of my

and dropping a peck on the top of my head.

head. I risked a glance at Wes, expecting a

I risked a glance at Wes, expecting a mocking smirk, but his self-deprecating

mocking smirk, but his self-deprecating grin had been replaced by a clenching

grin had been replaced by a clenching jaw and hard eyes.

jaw and hard eyes. Why does he look like that?

Why does he look like that? Did Lil finally send the questions?

Did Lil finally send the questions? Clark asked as he checked the stationary

Clark asked as he checked the stationary camera I'd already set up on the tripod.

camera I'd already set up on the tripod. The one that would record the entire

The one that would record the entire interview.

interview. She did. And don't call her that, I

She did. And don't call her that, I said, my stomach filled with the

said, my stomach filled with the butterflies that had been tearing me

butterflies that had been tearing me apart since I'd opened her email. Her

apart since I'd opened her email. Her questions were fine, but the thought of

questions were fine, but the thought of asking them to Wes was stressing me out.

asking them to Wes was stressing me out. Somehow, I hadn't walked through just

Somehow, I hadn't walked through just how awkward it was going to be to ask

how awkward it was going to be to ask him about the worst time of his life. I

him about the worst time of his life. I read her questions and wanted to throw

read her questions and wanted to throw up. So, I parlayed that tension into

up. So, I parlayed that tension into finding the most professional outfit I

finding the most professional outfit I had in my closet.

had in my closet. I was going to focus on my job, on

I was going to focus on my job, on getting Lilith the footage she'd be

getting Lilith the footage she'd be proud to put in her film and try to

proud to put in her film and try to pretend I'd never heard this story

pretend I'd never heard this story before.

before. My hands were literally shaking as I

My hands were literally shaking as I grabbed the questions I'd just pulled

grabbed the questions I'd just pulled off the printer before he appeared.

off the printer before he appeared. "And just a reminder, Wes, these are

"And just a reminder, Wes, these are Lilith's questions. I'm just the one

Lilith's questions. I'm just the one asking for her."

asking for her." Got it,"

Got it," >> he said, his face tense as he sat across

>> he said, his face tense as he sat across from me. He was wearing a black pullover

from me. He was wearing a black pullover and jeans, and for some reason, they

and jeans, and for some reason, they looked really good on him. Not to me

looked really good on him. Not to me personally, but as someone conducting an

personally, but as someone conducting an interview, I recognized that my subject

interview, I recognized that my subject presented well on camera.

presented well on camera. "And ignore me, dude," Clark said,

"And ignore me, dude," Clark said, looking down at his camera. I'm just

looking down at his camera. I'm just going to be moving around the room to

going to be moving around the room to get varied shots. Pretend I don't exist.

get varied shots. Pretend I don't exist. I'm trying, Wes said quietly. But it

I'm trying, Wes said quietly. But it isn't easy.

isn't easy. He was looking at me as he said it. And

He was looking at me as he said it. And I wasn't sure why it felt like something

I wasn't sure why it felt like something was hovering between us.

was hovering between us. "Okay," I said abruptly, inhaling

"Okay," I said abruptly, inhaling through my nose and looking down at

through my nose and looking down at Lilis's notes. "Are we ready?"

Lilis's notes. "Are we ready?" Clark hit record on both cameras.

Clark hit record on both cameras. >> Ready?

>> Ready? >> I cleared my throat and said, "Start off

>> I cleared my throat and said, "Start off by telling me some of the things that

by telling me some of the things that made you fall in love with baseball as a

made you fall in love with baseball as a kid."

kid." His eyebrows furrowed together, like he

His eyebrows furrowed together, like he didn't understand the question. And for

didn't understand the question. And for a second, I wondered if I'd asked it

a second, I wondered if I'd asked it wrong somehow.

wrong somehow. God, I don't want to screw this up. I

God, I don't want to screw this up. I was so worried Lilith was going to watch

was so worried Lilith was going to watch the interview and regret sending me. My

the interview and regret sending me. My eyes were frozen on Wes, my brain

eyes were frozen on Wes, my brain begging him to give more than a two-word

begging him to give more than a two-word answer.

answer. "Uh,

"Uh, it was easy for me, I guess," he said,

it was easy for me, I guess," he said, seeming relieved that the first question

seeming relieved that the first question wasn't more difficult.

wasn't more difficult. He looked into the stationary camera,

He looked into the stationary camera, not at me, when he said,

not at me, when he said, "Hitting the ball was fun. Catching the

"Hitting the ball was fun. Catching the ball was fun, and it felt like I'd

ball was fun, and it felt like I'd always been doing it.

always been doing it. I'd go out and swing the bat at my

I'd go out and swing the bat at my little league games, not really even

little league games, not really even trying that hard. And the people in the

trying that hard. And the people in the stands would go crazy because I crushed

stands would go crazy because I crushed the ball every time I was up. But it

the ball every time I was up. But it just happened for me, you know. I fell

just happened for me, you know. I fell in love because I was doing what

in love because I was doing what everyone else was doing, having fun,

everyone else was doing, having fun, trying to hit the ball.

trying to hit the ball. But for me, it was as natural as

But for me, it was as natural as breathing.

breathing. Thank you for giving a good answer, I

Thank you for giving a good answer, I thought, relief spilling through me as I

thought, relief spilling through me as I nodded.

nodded. I could still remember the way he'd run

I could still remember the way he'd run around the neighborhood like he owned

around the neighborhood like he owned it, always laughing.

it, always laughing. It seemed like life had come easily for

It seemed like life had come easily for him back then.

him back then. So, how did those specific things push

So, how did those specific things push you to get where you were? I continued,

you to get where you were? I continued, looking down at the paper as I read

looking down at the paper as I read Lilith's question.

Lilith's question. coming out of high school with nearly

coming out of high school with nearly every school in the country taking their

every school in the country taking their shot at you. I could still remember the

shot at you. I could still remember the first time I learned he was that good.

first time I learned he was that good. We were in the secret area before we

We were in the secret area before we ever dated and he off-handedly mentioned

ever dated and he off-handedly mentioned that he wasn't sure which school's offer

that he wasn't sure which school's offer he was going to take.

he was going to take. Was that the night we smoked Swissers

Was that the night we smoked Swissers together?

together? He made a noise in the back of his

He made a noise in the back of his throat, like a sarcastic laugh, and said

throat, like a sarcastic laugh, and said it was all my dad.

it was all my dad. He pushed me to not just be satisfied

He pushed me to not just be satisfied with what came easy, but to chase what

with what came easy, but to chase what was hard.

was hard. And what was hard? I asked. Mostly

And what was hard? I asked. Mostly because Lilith had mentioned multiple

because Lilith had mentioned multiple times that I should follow his responses

times that I should follow his responses and not just stick to her questions.

and not just stick to her questions. Pitching, he said without a second of

Pitching, he said without a second of consideration.

consideration. He pushed me to pitch, pushed me to

He pushed me to pitch, pushed me to learn more pitches, pushed me to throw

learn more pitches, pushed me to throw more pitches, pushed me to attend every

more pitches, pushed me to attend every pitching clinic on our side of the

pitching clinic on our side of the country. He was a driving force that led

country. He was a driving force that led to it all.

to it all. If I hadn't known his dad, this would

If I hadn't known his dad, this would have seemed like a sweet father-son

have seemed like a sweet father-son sports story.

sports story. But I remembered how hard his dad had

But I remembered how hard his dad had pushed and I knew how much that pressure

pushed and I knew how much that pressure had weighed down on Wes when he started

had weighed down on Wes when he started at UCLA.

at UCLA. So it must have been huge when you got

So it must have been huge when you got the offer to come here. I said to play

the offer to come here. I said to play for one of the best baseball schools in

for one of the best baseball schools in the country.

the country. We were pretty pumped, especially after

We were pretty pumped, especially after I tore out my shoulder.

I tore out my shoulder. He nodded and started talking about his

He nodded and started talking about his senior season, but I got temporarily

senior season, but I got temporarily distracted by his mouth,

distracted by his mouth, by his entire face, actually.

by his entire face, actually. It was an interesting situation to be

It was an interesting situation to be sitting across from your ex and allowed

sitting across from your ex and allowed to stare at the details of them.

to stare at the details of them. Wes had changed, but it was impossible

Wes had changed, but it was impossible to put my finger on a specific thing.

to put my finger on a specific thing. He'd just become the man version of the

He'd just become the man version of the boy that he'd been. It was like

boy that he'd been. It was like everything had been photoshopped to be

everything had been photoshopped to be slightly bigger, slightly harder.

slightly bigger, slightly harder. So, we were definitely thrilled with the

So, we were definitely thrilled with the offer. He finished, his eyes still on

offer. He finished, his eyes still on the stationary camera. I bet. I looked

the stationary camera. I bet. I looked back down at Lilith's questions and

back down at Lilith's questions and wanted to do just about anything other

wanted to do just about anything other than ask the next one.

than ask the next one. I was trying my hardest to listen to his

I was trying my hardest to listen to his story like he was a stranger who I knew

story like he was a stranger who I knew nothing about.

nothing about. But the next question, and his answer

But the next question, and his answer was going to ruin that.

was going to ruin that. There was no way it couldn't.

There was no way it couldn't. I kept my eyes on the paper, my pulse

I kept my eyes on the paper, my pulse pounding in my ears as I asked.

pounding in my ears as I asked. When you initially got to UCLA the first

When you initially got to UCLA the first time, walk me through some of the

time, walk me through some of the feelings early on, especially those

feelings early on, especially those first few days.

first few days. As the words left my mouth, my brain

As the words left my mouth, my brain played an unwelcome montage of our road

played an unwelcome montage of our road trip out to California.

trip out to California. The world had been ours as we'd laughed

The world had been ours as we'd laughed through the mountains and kissed through

through the mountains and kissed through the desert, and neither one of us would

the desert, and neither one of us would have ever guessed how close we were to

have ever guessed how close we were to the end.

the end. Wes made that noise again. The one that

Wes made that noise again. The one that sounded like I was asking him about

sounded like I was asking him about something ridiculous.

something ridiculous. He looked down at his hands and said,

He looked down at his hands and said, "I mean, it was everything an

"I mean, it was everything an 18-year-old baseball player dreams

18-year-old baseball player dreams about. I was at this big time campus and

about. I was at this big time campus and everyone was treating me like I was the

everyone was treating me like I was the man. It was exciting and it felt like I

man. It was exciting and it felt like I was on top of the world with a shiny new

was on top of the world with a shiny new life.

life. It was literally perfection.

It was literally perfection. Every single piece of it.

Every single piece of it. It was, I thought, remembering the day

It was, I thought, remembering the day we'd moved Wes into his dorm. There were

we'd moved Wes into his dorm. There were baseball players all over the place,

baseball players all over the place, laughing and trash talking, and I don't

laughing and trash talking, and I don't think either of us stopped smiling the

think either of us stopped smiling the entire afternoon.

entire afternoon. We walked to In-N-Out for lunch and lost

We walked to In-N-Out for lunch and lost our minds over how cool LA was. Over the

our minds over how cool LA was. Over the surreal amazingness that we were both

surreal amazingness that we were both there together.

there together. It was literal perfection

It was literal perfection for two weeks.

for two weeks. I mean, there was baseball hell week and

I mean, there was baseball hell week and I kept getting lost on campus, he said

I kept getting lost on campus, he said with a little smirk. And it felt like I

with a little smirk. And it felt like I couldn't breathe as I remembered teasing

couldn't breathe as I remembered teasing him about his terrible sense of

him about his terrible sense of direction.

direction. It kind of felt like yesterday,

It kind of felt like yesterday, but I was head over heels in love with

but I was head over heels in love with everything in my life. He was looking

everything in my life. He was looking into the stationary camera, but I

into the stationary camera, but I couldn't stop staring at the brown eyes

couldn't stop staring at the brown eyes that I'd been head over heels in love

that I'd been head over heels in love with.

with. Clark cleared his throat, thank God,

Clark cleared his throat, thank God, pulling me out of my own head. I went

pulling me out of my own head. I went back to the questions, but my stomach

back to the questions, but my stomach dropped when I read the next one.

dropped when I read the next one. The then you got the news of your

The then you got the news of your father's passing, I said, my voice

father's passing, I said, my voice barely there because my mouth didn't

barely there because my mouth didn't want to form the words.

want to form the words. How did you find out initially?

How did you find out initially? Pain crossed his face like a storm. His

Pain crossed his face like a storm. His jaw clenched, his nostrils flared, and

jaw clenched, his nostrils flared, and his Adam's apple moved around a thick

his Adam's apple moved around a thick swallow.

swallow. I wanted to tell him not to answer, that

I wanted to tell him not to answer, that he didn't have to answer, but this was

he didn't have to answer, but this was only the third or fourth question. I

only the third or fourth question. I couldn't.

couldn't. I needed to pull this off for Lilith.

I needed to pull this off for Lilith. My mother called. He said, his voice a

My mother called. He said, his voice a little raspy.

little raspy. We were working on pickoff plays at

We were working on pickoff plays at Jackie the day before our exhibition

Jackie the day before our exhibition game

game when Coach Ross came out to tell me I

when Coach Ross came out to tell me I had an emergency call.

had an emergency call. I couldn't look away from his face even

I couldn't look away from his face even though I knew the story

though I knew the story and she told me he was gone.

and she told me he was gone. He shrugged,

He shrugged, looking out the window like the scene

looking out the window like the scene was playing out on Breuan Walk.

was playing out on Breuan Walk. His voice was hollow. matter of fact.

His voice was hollow. matter of fact. And I felt like he'd forgotten about

And I felt like he'd forgotten about Clark, the camera, and me.

Clark, the camera, and me. Just like that, Wes, your dad is gone.

Just like that, Wes, your dad is gone. I actually asked her where he went like

I actually asked her where he went like an idiot

an idiot because I couldn't comprehend her

because I couldn't comprehend her meaning.

meaning. I mean, I just talked to him that

I mean, I just talked to him that morning.

morning. I didn't know this part.

I didn't know this part. My side of the recollection was of him

My side of the recollection was of him walking into my dorm room when he was

walking into my dorm room when he was supposed to be at practice, of me

supposed to be at practice, of me saying, "What are you doing here?" and

saying, "What are you doing here?" and of him saying, "My dad died."

of him saying, "My dad died." And then breaking down a little.

And then breaking down a little. Honestly, I wasn't sure I'd ever even

Honestly, I wasn't sure I'd ever even known exactly how he found out.

known exactly how he found out. Next question.

Next question. "What?" I said, blinking fast. unaware

"What?" I said, blinking fast. unaware that I drifted away. "What is the next

that I drifted away. "What is the next question?" Wes repeated,

question?" Wes repeated, his face a tight mask, his eyes still

his face a tight mask, his eyes still not on me.

not on me. "Oh, yeah, sorry."

"Oh, yeah, sorry." I inhaled through my nose and looked

I inhaled through my nose and looked down at the sheet, hating myself for

down at the sheet, hating myself for asking him to do this.

asking him to do this. "Um,

"Um, what was it like to process that news?

what was it like to process that news? at that time. "Come on,"

at that time. "Come on," he mumbled,

he mumbled, exhaling and sitting back in the chair.

exhaling and sitting back in the chair. I didn't know what to say, and I didn't

I didn't know what to say, and I didn't think he was going to give me an answer,

think he was going to give me an answer, and I wouldn't blame him for passing.

and I wouldn't blame him for passing. But then he said,

But then he said, um,

um, it was terrible,

it was terrible, but

but processing the news that he was gone

processing the news that he was gone while I was still in LA

while I was still in LA was uh,

was uh, incorrect,

incorrect, I guess you could say. I processed it in

I guess you could say. I processed it in a kid loses his father way. devastated

a kid loses his father way. devastated that he was gone, but the gravity of my

that he was gone, but the gravity of my situation hadn't hit me yet.

situation hadn't hit me yet. It didn't occur to me at all that I

It didn't occur to me at all that I would go home for his funeral and never

would go home for his funeral and never sleep in my dorm room again. You know,

sleep in my dorm room again. You know, I didn't want to do this anymore.

I didn't want to do this anymore. I knew the story. I was there beside him

I knew the story. I was there beside him for this part of the story, but I didn't

for this part of the story, but I didn't think either one of us should revisit it

think either one of us should revisit it together.

together. I opened my mouth to comment because

I opened my mouth to comment because these film packs were supposed to be

these film packs were supposed to be moderately conversational,

moderately conversational, but I couldn't force myself to speak or

but I couldn't force myself to speak or even move on to the next question.

even move on to the next question. It felt like a lie, like we were acting

It felt like a lie, like we were acting out the most depressing play in the

out the most depressing play in the world because I knew the answers before

world because I knew the answers before I asked them.

I asked them. I I don't think I can do this, I heard

I I don't think I can do this, I heard myself say. and I struggled for any

myself say. and I struggled for any rational explanation that would make

rational explanation that would make sense to Clark or Lilith.

sense to Clark or Lilith. Wes was looking at me in confusion, and

Wes was looking at me in confusion, and I felt Clark's eyes on me as I stood and

I felt Clark's eyes on me as I stood and managed to come up with. "I think

managed to come up with. "I think someone who didn't know your family and

someone who didn't know your family and your dad is probably better at I got

your dad is probably better at I got it," Clark interrupted, lowering his

it," Clark interrupted, lowering his camera and coming over to my side. "Why

camera and coming over to my side. "Why don't you take off, Liz, and I'll

don't you take off, Liz, and I'll finish. We can connect afterward.

finish. We can connect afterward. I glanced at Wes and had no idea what he

I glanced at Wes and had no idea what he was thinking or what Clark was doing. I

was thinking or what Clark was doing. I only knew that I couldn't do this. I

only knew that I couldn't do this. I managed to say, "Um, [clears throat]

managed to say, "Um, [clears throat] okay.

okay. Yeah, just go," Clark said, smiling as

Yeah, just go," Clark said, smiling as if this was normal.

if this was normal. "And the three of us can coordinate the

"And the three of us can coordinate the rest later."

rest later." "Um, okay. Thanks.

"Um, okay. Thanks. I turned and walked over to the door and

I turned and walked over to the door and as I pulled it open, Clark asked the

as I pulled it open, Clark asked the next question as if there hadn't been

next question as if there hadn't been the world's biggest hiccup.

the world's biggest hiccup. What made you understand that it wasn't

What made you understand that it wasn't the right time to be playing? How did

the right time to be playing? How did you decide to pack up and leave?

you decide to pack up and leave? I didn't know if Wes would answer him at

I didn't know if Wes would answer him at first, but when I looked back over my

first, but when I looked back over my shoulder,

shoulder, he swallowed and looked at Clark.

he swallowed and looked at Clark. For the first time since the interview

For the first time since the interview began,

began, he was speaking to someone when he said,

he was speaking to someone when he said, "When my mom left and wouldn't come

"When my mom left and wouldn't come home."

Chapter 21. No matter what happens to us, every day

No matter what happens to us, every day with you is the best day of my life. The

with you is the best day of my life. The notebook.

notebook. Wes.

Wes. Clark lowered himself to the empty chair

Clark lowered himself to the empty chair and set down his camera. Where did she

and set down his camera. Where did she go? For half a second, I thought he was

go? For half a second, I thought he was talking about Liz. But then I realized

talking about Liz. But then I realized he meant my mother. I looked at his face

he meant my mother. I looked at his face and God help me. I wanted to keep going.

and God help me. I wanted to keep going. It didn't make sense, but maybe Sarah

It didn't make sense, but maybe Sarah was right. Maybe it had been too long

was right. Maybe it had been too long since I talked about it. Or maybe enough

since I talked about it. Or maybe enough time had passed where it was becoming a

time had passed where it was becoming a story instead of something that cut me

story instead of something that cut me open and made me bleed. Even weirder

open and made me bleed. Even weirder than that was the fact that I was glad

than that was the fact that I was glad Liz was gone. Something about telling

Liz was gone. Something about telling her the story felt wrong. Probably

her the story felt wrong. Probably because she'd been there. I'd seen it on

because she'd been there. I'd seen it on her face as I answered the second she

her face as I answered the second she started remembering. And I didn't want

started remembering. And I didn't want her to have to sit across from me and be

her to have to sit across from me and be reminded of a time that brought her

reminded of a time that brought her pain. Wait, getting ahead of things,

pain. Wait, getting ahead of things, Clark said. And as much as I wanted to

Clark said. And as much as I wanted to hate the dude, he was just so nice that

hate the dude, he was just so nice that I couldn't, and I hated that. Why don't

I couldn't, and I hated that. Why don't you talk about what happened when you

you talk about what happened when you got home? I let out my breath and closed

got home? I let out my breath and closed my eyes for a second, remembering what

my eyes for a second, remembering what happened when I got home. Obviously,

happened when I got home. Obviously, everyone was grieving, but it didn't

everyone was grieving, but it didn't take very long for me to realize that my

take very long for me to realize that my mom wasn't handling the loss very well,

mom wasn't handling the loss very well, that she needed help.

that she needed help. understatement of the century. She

understatement of the century. She couldn't stop crying, couldn't eat,

couldn't stop crying, couldn't eat, couldn't drive, couldn't work. My mother

couldn't drive, couldn't work. My mother was a mess.

was a mess. But you were 18, Clark said. What could

But you were 18, Clark said. What could you do? Everything that needed to be

you do? Everything that needed to be done, I guess. I shrugged and said, "She

done, I guess. I shrugged and said, "She tried, but she was the one who found

tried, but she was the one who found him. And she just never got over that, I

him. And she just never got over that, I think. Is that part of why you left

think. Is that part of why you left school?" Clark asked. obviously no

school?" Clark asked. obviously no longer reading prepared questions

longer reading prepared questions because your mom couldn't take care of

because your mom couldn't take care of things. How was I supposed to answer

things. How was I supposed to answer that? My mom tried to find a way to

that? My mom tried to find a way to cope, but for her that meant not being

cope, but for her that meant not being in the house where he died, which was

in the house where he died, which was understandable, but Sarah was still in

understandable, but Sarah was still in high school and needed a place to live,

high school and needed a place to live, a guardian. She wanted my mom to come

a guardian. She wanted my mom to come home, but my mother couldn't bring

home, but my mother couldn't bring herself to leave her sister's house. I

herself to leave her sister's house. I just said she did her best, and I stuck

just said she did her best, and I stuck around to help.

around to help. The reality had been slightly more

The reality had been slightly more nightmarish. No life insurance, coupled

nightmarish. No life insurance, coupled with my mom not being healthy enough to

with my mom not being healthy enough to go back to work, left me no choice but

go back to work, left me no choice but to work two jobs to keep the house out

to work two jobs to keep the house out of foreclosure. Thank God for the

of foreclosure. Thank God for the therapy that eventually brought her back

therapy that eventually brought her back to us. Clark asked. So, at what point

to us. Clark asked. So, at what point did you realize you were done with

did you realize you were done with school? I'm not sure to be honest. That

school? I'm not sure to be honest. That was a lie. I remember the exact moment.

was a lie. I remember the exact moment. Liz came home for the funeral. All my

Liz came home for the funeral. All my friends had. And the night before they

friends had. And the night before they were heading back to school. Everyone

were heading back to school. Everyone was meeting up at Liz's to hang out. I

was meeting up at Liz's to hang out. I was getting ready to stop over when my

was getting ready to stop over when my mom called and asked when I was going

mom called and asked when I was going back. I was a little surprised that she

back. I was a little surprised that she was calling as opposed to just coming

was calling as opposed to just coming over since she was going to have to come

over since she was going to have to come back soon. But that surprise turned into

back soon. But that surprise turned into total disbelief when she asked me who

total disbelief when she asked me who was going to take Sarah to school and

was going to take Sarah to school and make her dinner after I left. Because my

make her dinner after I left. Because my mother had no plans to come home. She'd

mother had no plans to come home. She'd started crying, telling me she couldn't

started crying, telling me she couldn't handle being in the house where she

handle being in the house where she found my dad and that she couldn't

found my dad and that she couldn't handle looking at my sister without

handle looking at my sister without remembering that day. I tried everything

remembering that day. I tried everything I could think of to get through to her

I could think of to get through to her and make her listen. Sarah needs you,

and make her listen. Sarah needs you, but I finally gave up when the

but I finally gave up when the conversation stopped, and the only thing

conversation stopped, and the only thing I can hear over the phone was the sound

I can hear over the phone was the sound of her sobs.

of her sobs. I didn't go to Liz's that night. I sat

I didn't go to Liz's that night. I sat in the kitchen drinking my dad's beers

in the kitchen drinking my dad's beers and tearing apart the desk, looking at

and tearing apart the desk, looking at bills and bank statements and trying to

bills and bank statements and trying to figure out how I was going to cover for

figure out how I was going to cover for my mom while she was out because we

my mom while she was out because we didn't have some big extended family who

didn't have some big extended family who would jump in and save us. My aunt

would jump in and save us. My aunt Claire was my mom's only sibling and she

Claire was my mom's only sibling and she was already struggling to make ends meet

was already struggling to make ends meet as a single mom with a deadbeat ex.

as a single mom with a deadbeat ex. And my mom didn't get along with her

And my mom didn't get along with her parents. So, the fact that they didn't

parents. So, the fact that they didn't come to the funeral showed just how

come to the funeral showed just how helpful they might be. and my dad's

helpful they might be. and my dad's parents died before I was born. So, as

parents died before I was born. So, as badly as I wanted to return to my life

badly as I wanted to return to my life and go back to LA, how could I? When I

and go back to LA, how could I? When I waved goodbye to Liz at the airport the

waved goodbye to Liz at the airport the next morning, I could barely manage a

next morning, I could barely manage a fake smile as the oppressive weight of

fake smile as the oppressive weight of everything lowered its every crushing

everything lowered its every crushing pound on top of me. "Okay." Clark looked

pound on top of me. "Okay." Clark looked down at the paper and read, "How did the

down at the paper and read, "How did the coaching staff respond when you told

coaching staff respond when you told them you were quitting school?"

them you were quitting school?" Uh, they were cool, I said, realizing

Uh, they were cool, I said, realizing that I'd been so mentally done with

that I'd been so mentally done with baseball at the time that I barely

baseball at the time that I barely remembered their reactions. They said

remembered their reactions. They said they understood that I needed to do what

they understood that I needed to do what was best for my family. Did they try to

was best for my family. Did they try to change your mind or tell you that you

change your mind or tell you that you could come back? No, I said, remembering

could come back? No, I said, remembering a lot of incoming calls that I'd

a lot of incoming calls that I'd intentionally ignored, but I made it

intentionally ignored, but I made it very clear that I was done with

very clear that I was done with baseball. Clark looked surprised at

baseball. Clark looked surprised at that. You didn't see a path back because

that. You didn't see a path back because of your responsibilities?

of your responsibilities? I didn't want a path back, I corrected,

I didn't want a path back, I corrected, scratching my chin. I never wanted to

scratching my chin. I never wanted to touch a baseball again after my dad

touch a baseball again after my dad died. Tell me about that, he said. And I

died. Tell me about that, he said. And I knew that question wasn't on his paper.

knew that question wasn't on his paper. I swallowed and just said he was always

I swallowed and just said he was always the center of my baseball world, so I

the center of my baseball world, so I couldn't imagine playing without him.

couldn't imagine playing without him. Okay. Clark cleared his throat and read

Okay. Clark cleared his throat and read the next question.

the next question. Did you keep in contact with your UCLA

Did you keep in contact with your UCLA friends after you went back? I did for

friends after you went back? I did for probably a month, I said, remembering

probably a month, I said, remembering feeling so godamn alone, like I was on

feeling so godamn alone, like I was on this deserted island that no one else

this deserted island that no one else knew existed. But our lives were so

knew existed. But our lives were so different that after a while, I just

different that after a while, I just couldn't. They were experiencing new

couldn't. They were experiencing new things like parties and dorm life, while

things like parties and dorm life, while I was experiencing new things like

I was experiencing new things like enrolling in health insurance plans and

enrolling in health insurance plans and trying to understand an escro statement.

trying to understand an escro statement. They were studying so they wouldn't fail

They were studying so they wouldn't fail their exams and I was learning how to

their exams and I was learning how to rewire the thermostat on our furnace

rewire the thermostat on our furnace because we couldn't afford an HVAC

because we couldn't afford an HVAC repair man. I remember trying so hard

repair man. I remember trying so hard when Liz called to make it sound like

when Liz called to make it sound like life was normal for me back home because

life was normal for me back home because I didn't want her to feel guilty for not

I didn't want her to feel guilty for not being there.

being there. So what changed last year? Clark asked.

So what changed last year? Clark asked. What made you start throwing again?

What made you start throwing again? Finally, we reached the part of the

Finally, we reached the part of the story that I liked. a mean as hell

story that I liked. a mean as hell friend. One of my buddies swung by the

friend. One of my buddies swung by the house to say hi and he found me

house to say hi and he found me shitfaced and home alone. "You were

shitfaced and home alone. "You were drinking a lot?" he asked, and I

drinking a lot?" he asked, and I wondered if I should have kept that to

wondered if I should have kept that to myself. Although, screw it. It was the

myself. Although, screw it. It was the truth. Until Michael stepped in,

truth. Until Michael stepped in, pounding beers while listening to Noah

pounding beers while listening to Noah Con on repeat was my go-to. I said I got

Con on repeat was my go-to. I said I got hammered whenever I could as long as

hammered whenever I could as long as Sarah was in bed because underage

Sarah was in bed because underage drinking is illegal, you know, and I

drinking is illegal, you know, and I wouldn't want to be a bad role model.

wouldn't want to be a bad role model. Clark smiled. Of course. I was a mess to

Clark smiled. Of course. I was a mess to be honest, I admitted. So, Michael

be honest, I admitted. So, Michael screamed at me and pushed me into a

screamed at me and pushed me into a wall, asked me what the hell I was doing

wall, asked me what the hell I was doing with my life. "Did you hit him?" Clark

with my life. "Did you hit him?" Clark asked, grinning. "No," I said, shaking

asked, grinning. "No," I said, shaking my head. I broke down and cried like a

my head. I broke down and cried like a baby. "No," Clark said empathetically.

baby. "No," Clark said empathetically. "Oh, yes," I said, smiling at the

"Oh, yes," I said, smiling at the memory. "You can ask Michael." I was

memory. "You can ask Michael." I was very pathetic. But instead of feeling

very pathetic. But instead of feeling bad for me, he shoved my drunk ass in

bad for me, he shoved my drunk ass in his car and drove me to the baseball

his car and drove me to the baseball field, flipped on the lights, and tried

field, flipped on the lights, and tried to force me to play catch with him.

to force me to play catch with him. "Forced you?" Well, at first he asked,

"Forced you?" Well, at first he asked, but when I refused to even put on the

but when I refused to even put on the glove, the dick just started throwing

glove, the dick just started throwing baseballs at me. Seriously? Clark

baseballs at me. Seriously? Clark started laughing. For real? Hard as

started laughing. For real? Hard as hell. He pummeled me with baseballs

hell. He pummeled me with baseballs until I had to put on the glove to

until I had to put on the glove to protect myself because those baseballs

protect myself because those baseballs [ __ ] hurt. And once I had the glove

[ __ ] hurt. And once I had the glove on, he physically hauled me out to the

on, he physically hauled me out to the mound, dragged me literally, and forced

mound, dragged me literally, and forced me to throw a pitch. And did it feel

me to throw a pitch. And did it feel good? Clark asked. No, I said, letting

good? Clark asked. No, I said, letting out a big exhale. I threw up all over

out a big exhale. I threw up all over the mound and kind of wanted to die,

the mound and kind of wanted to die, but he made me give him 10 pitches

but he made me give him 10 pitches before he'd take me home. And by the

before he'd take me home. And by the time I was done, I realized that

time I was done, I realized that pitching made me feel something I hadn't

pitching made me feel something I hadn't felt in a long time. What's that? Clark

felt in a long time. What's that? Clark asked. Control.

asked. Control. Since my dad died, I'd had zero control

Since my dad died, I'd had zero control of anything in my life. But that ball in

of anything in my life. But that ball in my hand was under my power and it felt

my hand was under my power and it felt good. Is this when you started trying?

good. Is this when you started trying? He asked. When did the switch officially

He asked. When did the switch officially flip? When my mom got better and my

flip? When my mom got better and my genius sister started getting full ride

genius sister started getting full ride offers to great schools. Michael

offers to great schools. Michael convinced me to reach out to my UCLA

convinced me to reach out to my UCLA coaches and and I made some calls and

coaches and and I made some calls and sent some emails. They were nice and

sent some emails. They were nice and sent a few responses back, but when I

sent a few responses back, but when I mentioned the possibility of throwing

mentioned the possibility of throwing for them or getting a try out, they

for them or getting a try out, they ghosted me. I couldn't reach anyone

ghosted me. I couldn't reach anyone anymore, which I absolutely understood.

anymore, which I absolutely understood. A pitcher who takes 2 years off? That's

A pitcher who takes 2 years off? That's an absurd gamble. I would have done the

an absurd gamble. I would have done the same thing. So, what' you do? How'd you

same thing. So, what' you do? How'd you get them to finally respond to you?

get them to finally respond to you? Clark asked. I started texting every

Clark asked. I started texting every staff member, all of them, every single

staff member, all of them, every single day, sending them timestamp videos of my

day, sending them timestamp videos of my pitching practice. I confessed, grinning

pitching practice. I confessed, grinning at the memory. I even emailed the ad

at the memory. I even emailed the ad every damn day. My high school coach let

every damn day. My high school coach let me use the gun, so I just spam texted

me use the gun, so I just spam texted them all videos of me throwing 100 mph

them all videos of me throwing 100 mph fast balls that were right in the zone.

fast balls that were right in the zone. Clark was laughing when he asked, "So,

Clark was laughing when he asked, "So, did they fly you in for a try out after

did they fly you in for a try out after all the spamming?" "Oh, no," I said.

all the spamming?" "Oh, no," I said. They told me that if I was ever going to

They told me that if I was ever going to be in LA to reach out and they let me

be in LA to reach out and they let me throw for them. I'd never say it on

throw for them. I'd never say it on camera, but Ross was the only one who'd

camera, but Ross was the only one who'd been honest with me. He'd called me one

been honest with me. He'd called me one afternoon and said in that minimalist

afternoon and said in that minimalist cowboy way of his, "I like you, kid. So,

cowboy way of his, "I like you, kid. So, I'm going to tell you what you need to

I'm going to tell you what you need to hear. It's been too long and you need to

hear. It's been too long and you need to move on. Knock this crap off before you

move on. Knock this crap off before you ruin your life wishing." Clark asked.

ruin your life wishing." Clark asked. So, you flew there, right? I couldn't

So, you flew there, right? I couldn't afford to fly. Are you kidding me? I

afford to fly. Are you kidding me? I laughed at that. Able to laugh now at

laughed at that. Able to laugh now at how impulsive I'd been. No, I left that

how impulsive I'd been. No, I left that night and drove my shitty car straight

night and drove my shitty car straight to campus with Sarah sleeping in the

to campus with Sarah sleeping in the back seat when she wasn't taking turns

back seat when she wasn't taking turns driving. How long of a drive is that? 22

driving. How long of a drive is that? 22 hours.

hours. Wow, Clark replied, his voice loud. Were

Wow, Clark replied, his voice loud. Were they happy to see you? between you and

they happy to see you? between you and me," I said. I think they were pissing

me," I said. I think they were pissing themselves like, "Oh no, he actually

themselves like, "Oh no, he actually came." Clark threw his head back and

came." Clark threw his head back and started cackling. He half yelled, "And

started cackling. He half yelled, "And how was the try out?" "Better than I

how was the try out?" "Better than I could have ever hoped for." Two coaches

could have ever hoped for." Two coaches begrudgingly letting me throw, even

begrudgingly letting me throw, even though it was obvious they weren't

though it was obvious they weren't considering me. Lots of hush

considering me. Lots of hush conversation and awkward tension. Ross

conversation and awkward tension. Ross shaking his head when he saw me. an

shaking his head when he saw me. an obnoxious little sister loudly cheering

obnoxious little sister loudly cheering me on from the empty stands. A slight

me on from the empty stands. A slight anxiety attack as I took the mound and

anxiety attack as I took the mound and got ready to throw the first pitch. And

got ready to throw the first pitch. And then perfection.

then perfection. Strike after strike after strike. More

Strike after strike after strike. More coaches watching. One with the gun. Ross

coaches watching. One with the gun. Ross grinning. More strikes. Faster pitches.

grinning. More strikes. Faster pitches. Ridiculous changeups. Badass breaking

Ridiculous changeups. Badass breaking balls. It'd been better than the movies.

balls. It'd been better than the movies. I swear to God.

I swear to God. When we finished the interview, Clark

When we finished the interview, Clark hugged me. Bring it in, man. And it

hugged me. Bring it in, man. And it pissed me off because it made me feel

pissed me off because it made me feel like an [ __ ] I mean, it was an

like an [ __ ] I mean, it was an [ __ ] move to be in love with someone

[ __ ] move to be in love with someone else's girlfriend, right? Especially

else's girlfriend, right? Especially when he was kind of starting to feel

when he was kind of starting to feel like a friend. Like, how the hell had he

like a friend. Like, how the hell had he done that? Become something similar to a

done that? Become something similar to a friend. I didn't want to like the guy,

friend. I didn't want to like the guy, damn it. Because it was unfair for me to

damn it. Because it was unfair for me to feel guilty for wanting her. She was

feel guilty for wanting her. She was mine first.

mine first. As soon as I left the office, I checked

As soon as I left the office, I checked my phone and saw a message from my

my phone and saw a message from my sister.

sister. So, how'd it go? I quickly fired off.

So, how'd it go? I quickly fired off. Shockingly well. I spilled everything

Shockingly well. I spilled everything and don't regret it yet. Sarah, proud of

and don't regret it yet. Sarah, proud of you, kid. I replied, "Gee, thanks, Ma."

you, kid. I replied, "Gee, thanks, Ma." "Sarah, so how did Liz react?" I wasn't

"Sarah, so how did Liz react?" I wasn't sure how to explain it, so I just texted

sure how to explain it, so I just texted late to class. I'll call later. That was

late to class. I'll call later. That was actually not a lie. So, I found an

actually not a lie. So, I found an escooter and hold ass toward Kaplan

escooter and hold ass toward Kaplan because we had a test that day that I

because we had a test that day that I couldn't miss. But as I flew across

couldn't miss. But as I flew across campus, I was kind of a [ __ ] show of

campus, I was kind of a [ __ ] show of feelings and not the ones I'd expected.

feelings and not the ones I'd expected. I felt like I could cry, literally,

I felt like I could cry, literally, because I just talked through the entire

because I just talked through the entire nightmare and hadn't wanted to rage. I

nightmare and hadn't wanted to rage. I also wanted to cry with relief because I

also wanted to cry with relief because I hadn't felt like crying. Talking about

hadn't felt like crying. Talking about it hadn't gutted me, which felt like a

it hadn't gutted me, which felt like a win. I finally had closure, it seemed.

win. I finally had closure, it seemed. But it was the idea of that, having

But it was the idea of that, having closure, that made me emo as hell.

>> Chapter 22. You were my new dream, Tangled.

You were my new dream, Tangled. Liz,

Liz, I was pacing around the production

I was pacing around the production office when I heard the door open.

office when I heard the door open. >> "That is quite the story," Clark said,

>> "That is quite the story," Clark said, walking over to his desk and dropping

walking over to his desk and dropping his gear. "Finally," I said, so happy to

his gear. "Finally," I said, so happy to see him. I'd blown off my class to wait

see him. I'd blown off my class to wait for him, and it had been killing me. I'd

for him, and it had been killing me. I'd been pacing like a caged animal,

been pacing like a caged animal, wondering if he was asking Lilith

wondering if he was asking Lilith questions properly, if Wes was answering

questions properly, if Wes was answering him, and if Lilith was going to kill me

him, and if Lilith was going to kill me for my unprofessionalism.

for my unprofessionalism. "Oh my god, tell me everything that

"Oh my god, tell me everything that happened, and I'm so sorry for falling

happened, and I'm so sorry for falling apart." "Don't apologize.

apart." "Don't apologize. I get it now," he said, taking the

I get it now," he said, taking the scrunchie off his wrist and pulling his

scrunchie off his wrist and pulling his hair up.

hair up. The entire time I walked down here, I've

The entire time I walked down here, I've been thinking about how poor little

been thinking about how poor little freshman lizard must have been so sad.

freshman lizard must have been so sad. Wait, did he mention me? I asked, scared

Wait, did he mention me? I asked, scared of the answer.

of the answer. Oh, no. He was very careful about that.

Oh, no. He was very careful about that. Clark crossed his arms and said

Clark crossed his arms and said he never even mentioned he had a

he never even mentioned he had a girlfriend when his dad died.

girlfriend when his dad died. Oh, good, I said, relieved.

Oh, good, I said, relieved. Now, tell me everything he said.

Now, tell me everything he said. I don't have time, he said, glancing

I don't have time, he said, glancing down at his watch. I'm late as it is,

down at his watch. I'm late as it is, but you're going to die when you hear

but you're going to die when you hear the story. Just pull the card and watch

the story. Just pull the card and watch it yourself.

it yourself. Okay. Thank you so much, by the way, I

Okay. Thank you so much, by the way, I said, standing to hug him.

said, standing to hug him. I really appreciate you saving my ass.

I really appreciate you saving my ass. What are boyfriends for? He teased,

What are boyfriends for? He teased, hugging me back. I think Lilith is going

hugging me back. I think Lilith is going to love what your boy gave us. He's not

to love what your boy gave us. He's not my boy, I said defensively, irritated

my boy, I said defensively, irritated that he'd say that.

that he'd say that. The way you're focusing on that and not

The way you're focusing on that and not what I said about Lilith speaks volumes.

what I said about Lilith speaks volumes. Clark stepped away from me and grabbed

Clark stepped away from me and grabbed his backpack from under his cubicle.

his backpack from under his cubicle. Text me what you think.

Text me what you think. >> I'll probably show it to Lilis and then

>> I'll probably show it to Lilis and then text you, I said, dreading the fact that

text you, I said, dreading the fact that I was going to have to show her what an

I was going to have to show her what an absolute unprofessional I was. She was

absolute unprofessional I was. She was going to have video proof that I'd lied

going to have video proof that I'd lied when I said I could be professional with

when I said I could be professional with Wes.

Wes. Cool. Cool. He said, and then he was

Cool. Cool. He said, and then he was gone.

gone. I took a deep breath, for some reason,

I took a deep breath, for some reason, ridiculously nervous to watch the

ridiculously nervous to watch the interview.

interview. I'd purposely avoided filling in the

I'd purposely avoided filling in the blanks via internet research once I knew

blanks via internet research once I knew I'd be interviewing Wes, so I still

I'd be interviewing Wes, so I still didn't know the logistics of how he came

didn't know the logistics of how he came back. I was dying to find out, but for

back. I was dying to find out, but for some reason, the thought of watching him

some reason, the thought of watching him tell the story filled me with dread.

tell the story filled me with dread. I sighed and loaded the drive, knowing

I sighed and loaded the drive, knowing with absolute certainty that I was going

with absolute certainty that I was going to hate what I saw. But it wasn't just

to hate what I saw. But it wasn't just bad. It was awful.

bad. It was awful. The worst thing I'd ever seen because it

The worst thing I'd ever seen because it couldn't have been more than 30 minutes

couldn't have been more than 30 minutes of content with only a few questions I

of content with only a few questions I hadn't seen on the list. But so many of

hadn't seen on the list. But so many of his answers seemed wrong,

his answers seemed wrong, weren't they?

weren't they? They couldn't be right because I'd been

They couldn't be right because I'd been there at the time and had known nothing

there at the time and had known nothing about the things he was saying.

about the things he was saying. In my recollection, he found out his dad

In my recollection, he found out his dad died and after the funeral, he decided

died and after the funeral, he decided to take the semester off because he

to take the semester off because he missed his dad too much to play

missed his dad too much to play baseball. It had gutted him realizing

baseball. It had gutted him realizing that he literally couldn't touch a ball

that he literally couldn't touch a ball without feeling physically ill, but I

without feeling physically ill, but I told him it was fine because it was. I

told him it was fine because it was. I didn't care if he ever played baseball

didn't care if he ever played baseball again.

again. He took a job at HY so he'd be able to

He took a job at HY so he'd be able to afford school second semester in Omaha.

afford school second semester in Omaha. And I used to talk to him every night

And I used to talk to him every night when he got off work.

when he got off work. So where in that did these things he

So where in that did these things he said to Clark fit in? Had his mother had

said to Clark fit in? Had his mother had a breakdown and Wes had to take care of

a breakdown and Wes had to take care of his family? And if the answer to that

his family? And if the answer to that was yes, why hadn't he told me?

was yes, why hadn't he told me? And my heart was in my throat when he

And my heart was in my throat when he answered the question about his friends

answered the question about his friends back at UCLA

back at UCLA because I couldn't help but wonder.

because I couldn't help but wonder. Was he talking about me?

Was he talking about me? It felt like he was.

It felt like he was. Had it really been like that for him?

Had it really been like that for him? I'd loved texting and facetiming every

I'd loved texting and facetiming every day, and I thought he had too. We used

day, and I thought he had too. We used to joke that there was something kind of

to joke that there was something kind of fun about it, even while it sucked. And

fun about it, even while it sucked. And we laughed that when he got back to

we laughed that when he got back to school the next fall, we'd probably miss

school the next fall, we'd probably miss little things about it,

little things about it, like the way he always took a screenshot

like the way he always took a screenshot of our FaceTime calls before we hung up.

of our FaceTime calls before we hung up. I'd felt bad for him that he wasn't in

I'd felt bad for him that he wasn't in school and had to work. But in my

school and had to work. But in my wildest dreams,

wildest dreams, I hadn't imagined that he was the one

I hadn't imagined that he was the one taking care of his family.

taking care of his family. Escrow statements and rewiring the

Escrow statements and rewiring the thermostat.

thermostat. He hadn't been able to trust me. Was

He hadn't been able to trust me. Was that it? He'd felt like he couldn't tell

that it? He'd felt like he couldn't tell me that his world had collapsed.

me that his world had collapsed. I remembered him celebrating my tiny

I remembered him celebrating my tiny school victories via FaceTime, seeming

school victories via FaceTime, seeming excited when I shared little anecdotes

excited when I shared little anecdotes from my music classes.

from my music classes. Was that a factor?

Was that a factor? Had I made him embarrassed?

Had I made him embarrassed? Had I been too obtuse?

Had I been too obtuse? Should I have known?

Should I have known? When the video stopped, I took it out

When the video stopped, I took it out and went up to Lilith's office.

and went up to Lilith's office. Clark was right. She was going to love

Clark was right. She was going to love Wes's interview. His story about begging

Wes's interview. His story about begging for a try out, then driving cross

for a try out, then driving cross country all night with his sister. Even

country all night with his sister. Even I loved that part because wow, what a

I loved that part because wow, what a gamble. What a perfect ending.

gamble. What a perfect ending. It also made me miss Sarah, who I hadn't

It also made me miss Sarah, who I hadn't thought of in ages.

thought of in ages. Lilith's door was closed when I got to

Lilith's door was closed when I got to her office, and I was nervous to knock.

her office, and I was nervous to knock. There was no doubt she'd love the

There was no doubt she'd love the interview,

interview, but that didn't mean she wasn't going to

but that didn't mean she wasn't going to lose total respect for me, given the

lose total respect for me, given the fact that I'd choked.

fact that I'd choked. I took a deep breath and knocked,

I took a deep breath and knocked, feeling like a naughty child when she

feeling like a naughty child when she said, "Come in." And I nervously opened

said, "Come in." And I nervously opened the door.

the door. "Do you have a sec?" "Of course. Come

"Do you have a sec?" "Of course. Come in. What's up?

in. What's up? I took another deep breath and started

I took another deep breath and started talking as I entered.

talking as I entered. We finished Wes Bennett's interview and

We finished Wes Bennett's interview and I wanted you to take a look. Now I Ooh,

I wanted you to take a look. Now I Ooh, give me, she said, standing and reaching

give me, she said, standing and reaching for the drive in my hand. Thank you so

for the drive in my hand. Thank you so much for making it a priority.

much for making it a priority. Yeah. Um, here's the thing, I said,

Yeah. Um, here's the thing, I said, handing it to her, unsure how to even

handing it to her, unsure how to even explain what happened.

explain what happened. I started the interview, but we didn't

I started the interview, but we didn't get very far before I stepped out and

get very far before I stepped out and Clark stepped in with the questions.

Clark stepped in with the questions. She looked at me over the top of her

She looked at me over the top of her glasses.

glasses. Was he out of line? No, I corrected.

Was he out of line? No, I corrected. Nothing like that. He was helping me.

Nothing like that. He was helping me. Okay. Well, let's watch it. No worries.

Okay. Well, let's watch it. No worries. It took Lilith no time to have the

It took Lilith no time to have the interview loaded up and playing on her

interview loaded up and playing on her wall monitor.

wall monitor. She stapled her fingers under her chin

She stapled her fingers under her chin and watched without a word, her face

and watched without a word, her face unreadable.

unreadable. I squirmed in my chair when it got to

I squirmed in my chair when it got to the part where I stood up and sounded

the part where I stood up and sounded like an unprofessional teenager with my

like an unprofessional teenager with my whole I can't do this thing. But

whole I can't do this thing. But Lilith's expression didn't change.

Lilith's expression didn't change. And this time I watched Wes watching me

And this time I watched Wes watching me freak out, which made my stomach flip.

freak out, which made my stomach flip. A wrinkle formed between his eyebrows,

A wrinkle formed between his eyebrows, and he looked up at me from his

and he looked up at me from his conference room chair with a million

conference room chair with a million questions in his eyes, almost as if he

questions in his eyes, almost as if he was asking how it was that I couldn't do

was asking how it was that I couldn't do it when he was the one who' lived it.

it when he was the one who' lived it. Yeah, fair.

Yeah, fair. Lilis sat perfectly still until the

Lilis sat perfectly still until the interview ended.

interview ended. My armpits were sweaty and I knew my

My armpits were sweaty and I knew my cheeks were beat red.

cheeks were beat red. "Wow," she finally said, looking across

"Wow," she finally said, looking across the desk at me. "I already knew the

the desk at me. "I already knew the general story, but I am still blown

general story, but I am still blown away."

away." "Great interview."

"Great interview." "Thanks," I said, waiting for the rest.

"Thanks," I said, waiting for the rest. And I have thoughts about Clark's

And I have thoughts about Clark's unexpected onscreen appearance.

unexpected onscreen appearance. And here it is.

And here it is. Obviously, you were struggling. So, your

Obviously, you were struggling. So, your intuition with Clark

intuition with Clark was spot on. It gets so much better when

was spot on. It gets so much better when they're talking.

they're talking. She was nodding while she said. I'm not

She was nodding while she said. I'm not sure if Wes opens up better with a guy

sure if Wes opens up better with a guy or maybe it has to do with the fact that

or maybe it has to do with the fact that the two of you dated, but it's like a

the two of you dated, but it's like a night and day difference, don't you

night and day difference, don't you think?

think? Yes, I do, I agreed. Relief flooding me

Yes, I do, I agreed. Relief flooding me that she wasn't mad.

that she wasn't mad. Okay, great, Lilis said, grabbing a pen

Okay, great, Lilis said, grabbing a pen and writing something in her planner. I

and writing something in her planner. I have a million ideas now that are

have a million ideas now that are bouncing through my brain, so I need to

bouncing through my brain, so I need to organize them before they disappear.

organize them before they disappear. However, before you go, I wanted to tell

However, before you go, I wanted to tell you that I watched the real you sent

you that I watched the real you sent over, and I love it. Post it already.

over, and I love it. Post it already. My voice was a little too high pitched,

My voice was a little too high pitched, but Lilith's glowing endorsement was too

but Lilith's glowing endorsement was too fantastic for my voice to remain at

fantastic for my voice to remain at normal human decel range. "It's

normal human decel range. "It's perfection. Don't change a thing."

perfection. Don't change a thing." "Thank you," I said, beaming like a kid

"Thank you," I said, beaming like a kid who'd just given her art project to

who'd just given her art project to mommy.

mommy. Lilith's praise had me buzzing as I

Lilith's praise had me buzzing as I scrambled to make it to my next class on

scrambled to make it to my next class on time.

time. It's perfection.

It's perfection. Don't change a thing.

Don't change a thing. I was at a near run towards Shoenberg

I was at a near run towards Shoenberg Hall when I remembered that I told Clark

Hall when I remembered that I told Clark I'd text him. I pulled out my phone

I'd text him. I pulled out my phone without slowing, but when I unlocked it,

without slowing, but when I unlocked it, I had an unread text from Wes.

I had an unread text from Wes. I stumbled to a stop, making people go

I stumbled to a stop, making people go around me as I tapped the message. I was

around me as I tapped the message. I was frozen in place because why would he be

frozen in place because why would he be texting me?

texting me? Wes,

Wes, you okay?

you okay? I blinked and definitely wasn't okay.

I blinked and definitely wasn't okay. Not now.

Not now. Because why would he send me a message

Because why would he send me a message like that?

like that? I glanced at the time of the text and

I glanced at the time of the text and he'd obviously sent it sometime after I

he'd obviously sent it sometime after I left him in Clark's interviewing hands.

left him in Clark's interviewing hands. I had a meltdown and left, which made

I had a meltdown and left, which made him send me a text, asking if I was

him send me a text, asking if I was okay.

okay. I knew I should probably respond with

I knew I should probably respond with something like, "I'm good, but how are

something like, "I'm good, but how are you?" Or maybe, "I am. Thanks for

you?" Or maybe, "I am. Thanks for checking." because he was being nice,

checking." because he was being nice, thoughtful.

thoughtful. But as I kept rereading those two words,

But as I kept rereading those two words, hearing them in his voice, I hated all

hearing them in his voice, I hated all the feelings they elicited. I didn't

the feelings they elicited. I didn't have feelings about him anymore. Damn

have feelings about him anymore. Damn it. I put the phone away and went to

it. I put the phone away and went to class, irritated that I was irritated

class, irritated that I was irritated after Lilith had been happy with my

after Lilith had been happy with my reel. I should be skipping across

reel. I should be skipping across campus. But as I took my seat in the

campus. But as I took my seat in the lecture hall and rifled for a pencil, I

lecture hall and rifled for a pencil, I realized that Wes's thoughtfulness had

realized that Wes's thoughtfulness had really ruined my mood. So that night

really ruined my mood. So that night when I was sitting on the couch eating

when I was sitting on the couch eating beef top ramen straight from the pot in

beef top ramen straight from the pot in front of Gilmore Girls, I wanted to

front of Gilmore Girls, I wanted to scream when Clark dared to plop down

scream when Clark dared to plop down beside me and say, "How would you feel

beside me and say, "How would you feel about me being friends with your ex?"

about me being friends with your ex?" I slurped up the noodles while glaring

I slurped up the noodles while glaring at him. What does that even mean? Has he

at him. What does that even mean? Has he offered you a spot in his posi or

offered you a spot in his posi or something?

something? He sighed patiently, staring directly at

He sighed patiently, staring directly at the curly noodles disappearing into my

the curly noodles disappearing into my mouth while Kirk performed the journey

mouth while Kirk performed the journey of man on the TV.

of man on the TV. It just means I really like the guy and

It just means I really like the guy and don't want you to be pissed that I do.

don't want you to be pissed that I do. Yeah, well, he's a really likable guy.

Yeah, well, he's a really likable guy. Had anyone ever not liked Wes? I wasn't

Had anyone ever not liked Wes? I wasn't a child and I couldn't tell Clark who he

a child and I couldn't tell Clark who he could be friends with, but it annoyed me

could be friends with, but it annoyed me at that particular moment.

at that particular moment. So are a lot of people. I mean, do

So are a lot of people. I mean, do whatever you want as long as I'm still

whatever you want as long as I'm still number one.

number one. Don't pout. Of course you are, he said,

Don't pout. Of course you are, he said, putting his feet up on the coffee table.

putting his feet up on the coffee table. But hear me out about something. You

But hear me out about something. You should maybe forgive him for breaking

should maybe forgive him for breaking your heart. It was a long time ago and

your heart. It was a long time ago and he was going through a lot at the time.

he was going through a lot at the time. What? I kind of yelled at. Are you

What? I kind of yelled at. Are you serious right now? I just like sense he

serious right now? I just like sense he wants to be your friend.

wants to be your friend. Oh, so you're high right now? I

Oh, so you're high right now? I corrected, insulted by the way he was

corrected, insulted by the way he was butdding his nose into a path he knew

butdding his nose into a path he knew nothing about.

nothing about. For the love of God, Liz, I just felt it

For the love of God, Liz, I just felt it this morning. Okay. Like, I could see it

this morning. Okay. Like, I could see it in his eyes when he looked at you. Yeah.

in his eyes when he looked at you. Yeah. Well, those eyes cheated on me, so no. I

Well, those eyes cheated on me, so no. I gritted my teeth, stealing myself

gritted my teeth, stealing myself against the anger that was supposed to

against the anger that was supposed to be gone by now, and said, "I have no ill

be gone by now, and said, "I have no ill will regarding Wes, and I wish him the

will regarding Wes, and I wish him the best, but I'm content to stay very far

best, but I'm content to stay very far away from him. Thank you."

away from him. Thank you." He cheated.

He cheated. Now, Clark was the one kind of yelling,

Now, Clark was the one kind of yelling, his eyes huge in his face. He cheated on

his eyes huge in his face. He cheated on you. I didn't know that.

you. I didn't know that. Yeah, well, it's not my favorite thing

Yeah, well, it's not my favorite thing to discuss.

to discuss. I can't believe that, he said, shaking

I can't believe that, he said, shaking his head slowly as if I just told him

his head slowly as if I just told him Wes was an actual vampire.

Wes was an actual vampire. Right.

Right. It's just so hard to believe, he said,

It's just so hard to believe, he said, looking shocked.

looking shocked. He just doesn't seem the type.

He just doesn't seem the type. Trust me, I know, I replied, really

Trust me, I know, I replied, really wanting him to shut up about it.

wanting him to shut up about it. Are you sure? He asked, his eyes

Are you sure? He asked, his eyes narrowing.

narrowing. I mean, it's just impossible to believe.

I mean, it's just impossible to believe. Oh my god, I don't want to talk about

Oh my god, I don't want to talk about this. Okay. I dropped the silver pot on

this. Okay. I dropped the silver pot on the coffee table and stood. Be his

the coffee table and stood. Be his friend. I don't care, but please just

friend. I don't care, but please just stop talking about him.

stop talking about him. I went into my room and slammed the

I went into my room and slammed the door, so frustrated that I wanted to

door, so frustrated that I wanted to throw something. After a long day of

throw something. After a long day of shutting out unwelcome emotions

shutting out unwelcome emotions regarding Wes, I just wanted to come

regarding Wes, I just wanted to come home and escape, to watch comfort TV and

home and escape, to watch comfort TV and think about nothing.

think about nothing. Instead, I was treated to my best friend

Instead, I was treated to my best friend asking me if I was sure Wes had cheated

asking me if I was sure Wes had cheated on me. Was I sure? What kind of question

on me. Was I sure? What kind of question was that?

was that? Wes Bennett had looked me in the eye on

Wes Bennett had looked me in the eye on New Year's Day and told me that he had.

>> Chapter 23. I can't figure out the mathematics of

I can't figure out the mathematics of this. I just know I love you. The

this. I just know I love you. The holiday.

holiday. Wes.

Wes. Knock knock knock. I stood at Ross'

Knock knock knock. I stood at Ross' office door, clueless as to why he'd

office door, clueless as to why he'd asked me to see him after practice. I

asked me to see him after practice. I had thrown well and had been on top of

had thrown well and had been on top of my [ __ ] during PFPs. So, unless he

my [ __ ] during PFPs. So, unless he wanted to kiss my ass for being awesome,

wanted to kiss my ass for being awesome, which Ross did not normally do,

which Ross did not normally do, something was probably wrong. Bennett,

something was probably wrong. Bennett, he was sitting behind his desk looking

he was sitting behind his desk looking annoyed. Come in. I stepped inside and

annoyed. Come in. I stepped inside and when I did, I noticed the blonde. She

when I did, I noticed the blonde. She was probably in her early 30s. LA

was probably in her early 30s. LA beautiful, wearing smart girl glasses

beautiful, wearing smart girl glasses and shiny black high heels that you

and shiny black high heels that you could see a reflection in. She was

could see a reflection in. She was sitting in one of the chairs by his

sitting in one of the chairs by his desk, smiling like she knew me, while

desk, smiling like she knew me, while Ross glared like he didn't want to know

Ross glared like he didn't want to know her. Interesting. "What's up? This is

her. Interesting. "What's up? This is Lilith Grossman," he said, looking

Lilith Grossman," he said, looking pissed about it. "She's a film. We've

pissed about it. "She's a film. We've met, though not in person," she

met, though not in person," she interrupted, standing and coming over,

interrupted, standing and coming over, holding out her hand.

holding out her hand. You've been kind enough not to tell me

You've been kind enough not to tell me to go to hell when I've since you've

to go to hell when I've since you've wanted to. Nice to meet you, I said,

wanted to. Nice to meet you, I said, shaking her hand and giving into a laugh

shaking her hand and giving into a laugh because I liked her honesty. And you're

because I liked her honesty. And you're welcome. That made her laugh. And she

welcome. That made her laugh. And she said, I'd like to talk to you for a

said, I'd like to talk to you for a second. She'd like to pitch something to

second. She'd like to pitch something to you is what she means, Ross said. She

you is what she means, Ross said. She gave a little shrug. He's actually not

gave a little shrug. He's actually not wrong for once. Do you have 5 minutes?

wrong for once. Do you have 5 minutes? Before the interview the other day, I

Before the interview the other day, I would have said no. I would have treated

would have said no. I would have treated her exactly the way Ross was treating

her exactly the way Ross was treating her, but it hadn't been too bad, and she

her, but it hadn't been too bad, and she sent a thank you email after that was

sent a thank you email after that was really sweet. Apparently, she lost her

really sweet. Apparently, she lost her dad when she was in high school, so she

dad when she was in high school, so she said a lot of things that hit really

said a lot of things that hit really close to home. Add that to the fact that

close to home. Add that to the fact that Liz worshiped her and Ross seemed to

Liz worshiped her and Ross seemed to hate her, and she was definitely the

hate her, and she was definitely the most interesting person in the building.

most interesting person in the building. Sure, I said following her over to the

Sure, I said following her over to the chairs. Before she pressures you, Ross

chairs. Before she pressures you, Ross said, feel free to say no. I fully

said, feel free to say no. I fully support your no on this. Thank you for

support your no on this. Thank you for that, Ross. She said with a smile.

that, Ross. She said with a smile. Anytime, Lil, he drawled. And I was

Anytime, Lil, he drawled. And I was dying to know what was up with those

dying to know what was up with those two. You know, if you want to go throw

two. You know, if you want to go throw some balls or guzzle protein powder, I

some balls or guzzle protein powder, I can let you know when we're done with

can let you know when we're done with your office, she said. and her smile was

your office, she said. and her smile was deadly this time. "No need for you to

deadly this time. "No need for you to stick around. It's okay. I'm happy to do

stick around. It's okay. I'm happy to do it," he said. "Okay,

it," he said. "Okay, Wes." She turned her chair toward mine

Wes." She turned her chair toward mine and scooted a little closer. "You gave

and scooted a little closer. "You gave such a fantastic interview the other

such a fantastic interview the other day, giving us a peek into your

day, giving us a peek into your inspirational journey back to UCLA. I

inspirational journey back to UCLA. I was blown away by the picture you

was blown away by the picture you painted of your life back home,

painted of your life back home, juxtaposed against your college baseball

juxtaposed against your college baseball life here. I can almost picture it." So,

life here. I can almost picture it." So, when I heard from Clark that you're

when I heard from Clark that you're going home to help your mom close

going home to help your mom close everything out, I had an idea. Buckle

everything out, I had an idea. Buckle up, Bennett. Ross growled. She rolled

up, Bennett. Ross growled. She rolled her eyes. Now, I promise you, I'm not

her eyes. Now, I promise you, I'm not trying to capitalize or throw a camera

trying to capitalize or throw a camera on your tragedy, but as a filmmaker, I

on your tragedy, but as a filmmaker, I know that getting some shots of the

know that getting some shots of the house that you grew up in and the high

house that you grew up in and the high school field where you pitched a no-

school field where you pitched a no- hitter could really add to the human

hitter could really add to the human side of your story. You repeating what

side of your story. You repeating what you already told us while walking

you already told us while walking through your empty house would add such

through your empty house would add such a lovely detail to the story. My stomach

a lovely detail to the story. My stomach sank as I listened, not necessarily

sank as I listened, not necessarily because of what she was trying to sell,

because of what she was trying to sell, but because she reminded me that it was

but because she reminded me that it was almost time for me to walk through the

almost time for me to walk through the house for the very last time. Now, she

house for the very last time. Now, she continued, holding up a hand like she

continued, holding up a hand like she was expecting my immediate refusal. I

was expecting my immediate refusal. I absolutely understand if you don't want

absolutely understand if you don't want us there. Frankly, I'm expecting you to

us there. Frankly, I'm expecting you to say no. But I would be remiss if I

say no. But I would be remiss if I didn't throw it out there. Just on the

didn't throw it out there. Just on the off chance that you don't mind having

off chance that you don't mind having Liz get a little film while you're in

Liz get a little film while you're in town. Liz,

town. Liz, you want to send Liz? I asked. To Omaha?

you want to send Liz? I asked. To Omaha? She nodded. And I wondered what that

She nodded. And I wondered what that would look like. Because even though I

would look like. Because even though I couldn't imagine having her and probably

couldn't imagine having her and probably Clark following me around while we moved

Clark following me around while we moved out the last of my mom's stuff, the idea

out the last of my mom's stuff, the idea of Liz being nearby while I said goodbye

of Liz being nearby while I said goodbye felt right somehow. or at least the

felt right somehow. or at least the thought of it did. Uh, can I think about

thought of it did. Uh, can I think about it and get back to you? I asked, wanting

it and get back to you? I asked, wanting to talk to Sarah and figure out why I

to talk to Sarah and figure out why I wasn't totally opposed to the idea.

wasn't totally opposed to the idea. Because I should be, right? Of course,

Because I should be, right? Of course, Livith said. And I didn't miss the way

Livith said. And I didn't miss the way she looked directly at Ross with a smug

she looked directly at Ross with a smug smile. Just let me know as soon as

smile. Just let me know as soon as possible so I can book flights if it's a

possible so I can book flights if it's a deal. Sounds good. I left the building a

deal. Sounds good. I left the building a little weirded out by the fact that I

little weirded out by the fact that I felt calm. It was surreal that this was

felt calm. It was surreal that this was happening, that Liz and company would be

happening, that Liz and company would be joining me in Omaha, but I felt pretty

joining me in Omaha, but I felt pretty okay about it. Although, to be fair, I

okay about it. Although, to be fair, I was a Liz junkie, always looking for my

was a Liz junkie, always looking for my next fix. And this scenario assured me

next fix. And this scenario assured me that one would be coming soon. I forced

that one would be coming soon. I forced myself to go straight to the library

myself to go straight to the library because I had a paper to write and I

because I had a paper to write and I didn't trust myself at home anymore.

didn't trust myself at home anymore. Lately, every time I went back to my

Lately, every time I went back to my dorm room, I ended up hooping with the

dorm room, I ended up hooping with the guys instead of studying. It was great

guys instead of studying. It was great living right next to basketball courts,

living right next to basketball courts, but not so great for my studying. I slid

but not so great for my studying. I slid into a spot at a table, flipping on the

into a spot at a table, flipping on the table lamp before pulling out my

table lamp before pulling out my computer. I put on my headphones and got

computer. I put on my headphones and got to work, but two things were messing

to work, but two things were messing with my concentration. The first was the

with my concentration. The first was the guy at the table across from me, who

guy at the table across from me, who appeared to be attempting to completely

appeared to be attempting to completely gnaw off his fingernails. I didn't know

gnaw off his fingernails. I didn't know why he caught my eye, but I couldn't

why he caught my eye, but I couldn't stop checking every few minutes to see

stop checking every few minutes to see if he was still doing it. Read a

if he was still doing it. Read a paragraph, then look over. Yep, still

paragraph, then look over. Yep, still chewing. Write some sentences, then

chewing. Write some sentences, then check to see. Yep, still chewing. Focus,

check to see. Yep, still chewing. Focus, Bennett. But the other thing was Liz. Of

Bennett. But the other thing was Liz. Of course, she was all over my brain, stuck

course, she was all over my brain, stuck in multiple scenarios and places, and I

in multiple scenarios and places, and I couldn't shake her. I was either

couldn't shake her. I was either thinking about the way she looked ready

thinking about the way she looked ready to cry during our interview, the way

to cry during our interview, the way she'd run down the steps outside the

she'd run down the steps outside the library in the dark to avoid me the

library in the dark to avoid me the other night, or the idea of having her

other night, or the idea of having her with me in my dad's house. By the time I

with me in my dad's house. By the time I got back to my dorm, I decided to give

got back to my dorm, I decided to give Lilith the green light. And when I

Lilith the green light. And when I talked to Sarah about it, she was all

talked to Sarah about it, she was all in. I suspected it was still her trying

in. I suspected it was still her trying to get Liz and me together, but she also

to get Liz and me together, but she also made a lot of sense.

made a lot of sense. Since you've already given them the

Since you've already given them the interview, what's the big deal about

interview, what's the big deal about letting them get a couple pictures at

letting them get a couple pictures at the house? I punched in the code and

the house? I punched in the code and opened the front door. Hey, we're

opened the front door. Hey, we're getting pizza. Wade and AJ were each in

getting pizza. Wade and AJ were each in front of their gaming setups on opposite

front of their gaming setups on opposite sides of the living room playing the

sides of the living room playing the show. WDE said, "Order it, [ __ ] What

show. WDE said, "Order it, [ __ ] What if I don't want pizza?" I did. I mean,

if I don't want pizza?" I did. I mean, who didn't want pizza? But my sweetmates

who didn't want pizza? But my sweetmates all had way more discretionary income

all had way more discretionary income than I did. Their parents loaded their

than I did. Their parents loaded their debit cards with all kinds of fun money,

debit cards with all kinds of fun money, whereas I was holding tight to the money

whereas I was holding tight to the money I'd worked my ass off to put into

I'd worked my ass off to put into savings. When it was gone, I was out.

savings. When it was gone, I was out. "It's free," AJ said. Brooks complained

"It's free," AJ said. Brooks complained last time he found a long hair in his

last time he found a long hair in his cheese, so they gave him a coupon. It's

cheese, so they gave him a coupon. It's on the mini fridge. "Do you want to

on the mini fridge. "Do you want to order from a place that has hairy

order from a place that has hairy pizza?" I asked Wade. "I think it might

pizza?" I asked Wade. "I think it might have been mine, but I wasn't sure."

have been mine, but I wasn't sure." "You're an idiot," AJ said, laughing.

"You're an idiot," AJ said, laughing. I know, Wade. Agreed. Which is why I'm

I know, Wade. Agreed. Which is why I'm willing to give them another chance. Big

willing to give them another chance. Big of you, I said, dropping my backpack on

of you, I said, dropping my backpack on the couch and grabbing the coupon from

the couch and grabbing the coupon from the front of the mini fridge. Free XL

the front of the mini fridge. Free XL one topper. Pepperoni? Nah, just cheese.

one topper. Pepperoni? Nah, just cheese. Weey said their pepperoni tastes like

Weey said their pepperoni tastes like fungus. Because you know what fungus

fungus. Because you know what fungus tastes like? AJ muttered. Are you sure

tastes like? AJ muttered. Are you sure we should order from a place with hair

we should order from a place with hair and fungus problems? I laughed, pulling

and fungus problems? I laughed, pulling out my phone because it was free. Of

out my phone because it was free. Of course, we were going to order it. Their

course, we were going to order it. Their attention was on the game until the

attention was on the game until the pizza arrived. But as soon as the box

pizza arrived. But as soon as the box was open, they were at the table and

was open, they were at the table and back to being aware of their

back to being aware of their surroundings. "Why'd you have to stay

surroundings. "Why'd you have to stay after practice?" Wade asked, grabbing

after practice?" Wade asked, grabbing three pieces and dropping them onto a

three pieces and dropping them onto a paper towel. "I didn't really know what

paper towel. "I didn't really know what to say, so I just told the truth." "They

to say, so I just told the truth." "They want to send someone with a camera to

want to send someone with a camera to Omaha this weekend to get pictures in my

Omaha this weekend to get pictures in my house in my high school field.

house in my high school field. What the [ __ ] Wade asked looking

What the [ __ ] Wade asked looking offended. How come no one wants to go to

offended. How come no one wants to go to my hometown with a camera? I'm a better

my hometown with a camera? I'm a better player than you and I'm not from

player than you and I'm not from Nebraska.

Nebraska. You are not better. AJ said, shoving

You are not better. AJ said, shoving pizza into his mouth. [ __ ] Wade

pizza into his mouth. [ __ ] Wade made a face and said, "Well, I'm as good

made a face and said, "Well, I'm as good at least." Wade was funny because he was

at least." Wade was funny because he was obnoxious and cocky. Only he wasn't. He

obnoxious and cocky. Only he wasn't. He was all douchy attitude and I would have

was all douchy attitude and I would have hated him if that was truly who he was.

hated him if that was truly who he was. But he was in fact a really decent guy

But he was in fact a really decent guy who thought it was hilarious to behave

who thought it was hilarious to behave like a jackass.

like a jackass. Regardless of the fact that I'm better

Regardless of the fact that I'm better than you, it's only because during my

than you, it's only because during my interview I talked about having to go

interview I talked about having to go home when my dad died and then come

home when my dad died and then come back. So it's just because they like the

back. So it's just because they like the story has nothing to do with my game.

story has nothing to do with my game. The entire team knew my story, but no

The entire team knew my story, but no one had ever spoken about it. Not with

one had ever spoken about it. Not with me. Everyone just pretended I was a

me. Everyone just pretended I was a freshman the same as every other

freshman the same as every other freshman. And I preferred it that way. I

freshman. And I preferred it that way. I kind of suspected that one of the

kind of suspected that one of the coaches made some sort of an

coaches made some sort of an announcement when I committed because it

announcement when I committed because it was odd that no one brought it up, but

was odd that no one brought it up, but I'd also never asked. "Who are they

I'd also never asked. "Who are they sending?" AJ asked, getting up to grab a

sending?" AJ asked, getting up to grab a beer from the fridge. He had zero issues

beer from the fridge. He had zero issues drinking during the week, but I like to

drinking during the week, but I like to avoid hangovers when I had homework to

avoid hangovers when I had homework to do. Is it going to be Liz? I think so.

do. Is it going to be Liz? I think so. I'm not sure. Of course, it's going to

I'm not sure. Of course, it's going to be Liz. Wade ripped off his crust, then

be Liz. Wade ripped off his crust, then rolled it into a ball. She's from there,

rolled it into a ball. She's from there, so she'll know all the spots. I wonder

so she'll know all the spots. I wonder if she'll bring waters. I still can't

if she'll bring waters. I still can't believe they're a thing, AJ said,

believe they're a thing, AJ said, looking at me and shaking his head. He's

looking at me and shaking his head. He's a cool dude, and I like him, but they

a cool dude, and I like him, but they seem more like brother and sister than a

seem more like brother and sister than a couple.

couple. Yeah, that is weird. Wade took a bite

Yeah, that is weird. Wade took a bite out of his crust ball like it was an

out of his crust ball like it was an apple. like they're always together, but

apple. like they're always together, but they have always been always together.

they have always been always together. You sound smart, I muttered. [ __ ] right

You sound smart, I muttered. [ __ ] right off. You know what I mean? He said,

off. You know what I mean? He said, "They don't act any differently than

"They don't act any differently than they've ever acted together. Last year,

they've ever acted together. Last year, she told me he's her platonic soulmate.

she told me he's her platonic soulmate. So now he's more like when he puts his

So now he's more like when he puts his arm around her, it looks no different

arm around her, it looks no different than my dad putting his arm around my

than my dad putting his arm around my sister. Can we not talk about this?" "I

sister. Can we not talk about this?" "I don't give a [ __ ] about the

don't give a [ __ ] about the relationship," I said, sounding harsher

relationship," I said, sounding harsher than I'd meant to. Oh, it sounds to me

than I'd meant to. Oh, it sounds to me like you really do. Wade reached over

like you really do. Wade reached over and pulled off another crust and started

and pulled off another crust and started rolling. And I get it. Same. AJ nodded.

rolling. And I get it. Same. AJ nodded. Like she's cute, but that's not the

Like she's cute, but that's not the thing. It's the way she's so damn chill,

thing. It's the way she's so damn chill, right? Dating someone that cool about

right? Dating someone that cool about everything would make everyone else seem

everything would make everyone else seem like too much. I took a bite of pizza,

like too much. I took a bite of pizza, blown away that that was how they saw

blown away that that was how they saw her, as a super chill, cool girl. And

her, as a super chill, cool girl. And they weren't wrong.

they weren't wrong. That was exactly who she was now. But it

That was exactly who she was now. But it was wild because she'd been chill about

was wild because she'd been chill about nothing back in the day. I [ __ ] loved

nothing back in the day. I [ __ ] loved it how quickly she got riled up. I loved

it how quickly she got riled up. I loved it. Yet my new obsession was the

it. Yet my new obsession was the confident content producer with the

confident content producer with the quiet oneliners.

quiet oneliners. I was dying to get to know her better. I

I was dying to get to know her better. I have to think that after dating Liz, you

have to think that after dating Liz, you would forever care about her

would forever care about her relationships. Wade took a bite of his

relationships. Wade took a bite of his crust ball and said, "How the hell do

crust ball and said, "How the hell do you get over someone like her?

you get over someone like her? Yeah, that was a loaded question. I

Yeah, that was a loaded question. I grabbed a Gatorade out of the fridge and

grabbed a Gatorade out of the fridge and absolutely knew the answer. You don't

absolutely knew the answer. You don't was the answer. You don't get over her.

Chapter 24. She gave me a pen. I gave her my heart

She gave me a pen. I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen.

and she gave me a pen. Say anything.

Say anything. Liz.

Hey guys. I looked up from my screen and there was Lilith standing beside our

there was Lilith standing beside our cubicles with a big smile on her face.

cubicles with a big smile on her face. "Hey," I said, surprised to see her.

"Hey," I said, surprised to see her. "Hey, Lil," Clark said, and I quickly

"Hey, Lil," Clark said, and I quickly shot a glance at her to see if she was

shot a glance at her to see if she was going to kill him for that. She looked

going to kill him for that. She looked like she hadn't even noticed.

like she hadn't even noticed. I am here to ask a favor, and I'm a

I am here to ask a favor, and I'm a little nervous."

little nervous." She looked anything but nervous in her

She looked anything but nervous in her black leather jacket, jeans, and Mary

black leather jacket, jeans, and Mary jeans with 3-in heels.

jeans with 3-in heels. "We are your humble servants," Clark

"We are your humble servants," Clark said. "Ask away."

said. "Ask away." She crossed her arms over her chest and

She crossed her arms over her chest and said, "Want to go to Omaha tomorrow?"

said, "Want to go to Omaha tomorrow?" "What?"

"What?" I looked from Lilith to Clark, wondering

I looked from Lilith to Clark, wondering if I'd heard her right.

if I'd heard her right. Omaha.

Omaha. Consider me already packing, Clark said.

Consider me already packing, Clark said. I mean, of course I'm down, I said,

I mean, of course I'm down, I said, trying to keep up with Clark's

trying to keep up with Clark's enthusiasm.

enthusiasm. But why? I mean, Omaha isn't usually

But why? I mean, Omaha isn't usually anywhere that people go.

anywhere that people go. I would love a free trip home,

I would love a free trip home, especially when I knew Wes wouldn't be

especially when I knew Wes wouldn't be next door, but why on earth would Lilith

next door, but why on earth would Lilith want to send us there? It had to do with

want to send us there? It had to do with him, though, right? That was the only

him, though, right? That was the only thing that made sense, maybe.

thing that made sense, maybe. Here's the thing. She said, "Wes Bennett

Here's the thing. She said, "Wes Bennett is headed home because his mother sold

is headed home because his mother sold their house and he's helping move

their house and he's helping move everything out.

everything out. I would like for us to get footage of

I would like for us to get footage of the house and his high school field to

the house and his high school field to accompany your interview.

accompany your interview. Oh. I tried keeping my face calm when

Oh. I tried keeping my face calm when every part of me was flinching at the

every part of me was flinching at the thought. I mean, I wasn't even sure what

thought. I mean, I wasn't even sure what I was freaking out about more. The fact

I was freaking out about more. The fact that Lilith wanted me to go back home

that Lilith wanted me to go back home and follow West to all the old places

and follow West to all the old places I'd avoided for years, or the fact that

I'd avoided for years, or the fact that the Bennets weren't going to be living

the Bennets weren't going to be living next door anymore.

next door anymore. "Are you sure about this?" Clark asked,

"Are you sure about this?" Clark asked, running his hand over his chin as he

running his hand over his chin as he looked at Lilith like he was unhappy.

looked at Lilith like he was unhappy. "I imagine this isn't going to be easy

"I imagine this isn't going to be easy for him, so it feels a little ghoulish

for him, so it feels a little ghoulish for us to show up with cameras. No

for us to show up with cameras. No offense, of course. Good point, clerk.

offense, of course. Good point, clerk. Listen to him, Lilith.

Listen to him, Lilith. None taken, she said, nodding. He said

None taken, she said, nodding. He said it's fine. He did? Clark asked. He did?

it's fine. He did? Clark asked. He did? I said at the same time.

I said at the same time. Yes, she repeated, looking amused by our

Yes, she repeated, looking amused by our matching reactions.

matching reactions. I fully expected a no, but he said okay.

I fully expected a no, but he said okay. I stared at her, shocked.

I stared at her, shocked. I'd like to see if his sister or mother

I'd like to see if his sister or mother will consider an interview, she said. I

will consider an interview, she said. I know it's obviously a tricky issue, but

know it's obviously a tricky issue, but it's been a couple years, so they might

it's been a couple years, so they might be ready to talk.

be ready to talk. I'm sure Sarah will. Clark said,

I'm sure Sarah will. Clark said, nodding. From what Bennett told me,

nodding. From what Bennett told me, they're close and she's kind of a

they're close and she's kind of a smartass.

smartass. The mom, though, I'm not so sure about

The mom, though, I'm not so sure about her. the mom.

her. the mom. It was beyond weird that we were

It was beyond weird that we were discussing Mrs. Bennett from next door.

discussing Mrs. Bennett from next door. Yeah, me either, Lilith said. But we

Yeah, me either, Lilith said. But we might as well try. Listen, the closing

might as well try. Listen, the closing is Friday afternoon, so I was thinking

is Friday afternoon, so I was thinking if we fly out tomorrow after classes, we

if we fly out tomorrow after classes, we can all get a good night's sleep and

can all get a good night's sleep and then walk through the house with Wes

then walk through the house with Wes first thing the following morning before

first thing the following morning before the closing. Hopefully afterward Wes

the closing. Hopefully afterward Wes will let us get some footage around town

will let us get some footage around town and at the ball fields.

and at the ball fields. I don't have any classes on Fridays, so

I don't have any classes on Fridays, so that's perfect. Clark said, "Was it me

that's perfect. Clark said, "Was it me or was he being a kissup? I'd apologized

or was he being a kissup? I'd apologized for snapping at him the other night, and

for snapping at him the other night, and he'd apologized for trying to get me to

he'd apologized for trying to get me to forgive Wes, but his Wes love still

forgive Wes, but his Wes love still rubbed me the wrong way."

rubbed me the wrong way." What about you, Liz? Do you think you

What about you, Liz? Do you think you can make it work?

can make it work? Lilith put her hands in her pockets and

Lilith put her hands in her pockets and said, "We only go if you go."

said, "We only go if you go." "I mean, my parents would love it," I

"I mean, my parents would love it," I said as I tried to mentally work through

said as I tried to mentally work through what the weekend would entail,

what the weekend would entail, and I'm sure I can talk to my teachers

and I'm sure I can talk to my teachers about missing my classes.

about missing my classes. "But what about you?" she asked, looking

"But what about you?" she asked, looking concerned.

concerned. I want to make sure you're comfortable

I want to make sure you're comfortable with this. If you're not, we scrap it.

with this. If you're not, we scrap it. I could tell by her face that she was

I could tell by her face that she was genuinely asking, and I felt a rush of

genuinely asking, and I felt a rush of gratitude that she was willing to

gratitude that she was willing to abandon this idea if I wasn't okay with

abandon this idea if I wasn't okay with it. That tiny bit of understanding was

it. That tiny bit of understanding was probably what allowed me to take a step

probably what allowed me to take a step away from my own feelings, to recognize

away from my own feelings, to recognize that if Wes was willing, the imagery

that if Wes was willing, the imagery would definitely add to his story.

would definitely add to his story. I think it's a great idea.

I think it's a great idea. After that, we went into brainstorming

After that, we went into brainstorming mode, talking through the content she

mode, talking through the content she hoped for. It would be a nice supplement

hoped for. It would be a nice supplement to see the inside of the house he grew

to see the inside of the house he grew up in and juxtapose it with locking the

up in and juxtapose it with locking the door for the very last time.

It' also be gorgeous to get some early morning sunlight shots of Emerson Field,

morning sunlight shots of Emerson Field, the place where he'd become a superstar

the place where he'd become a superstar pitcher.

pitcher. Is this really happening?

Is this really happening? It was surreal that the project we were

It was surreal that the project we were talking through and the plans we were

talking through and the plans we were making would send us to Teal Street and

making would send us to Teal Street and my old high school. I loved that place,

my old high school. I loved that place, but I'd purposely taken summer classes

but I'd purposely taken summer classes and suggested family holiday getaways

and suggested family holiday getaways with my parents because I wasn't sure

with my parents because I wasn't sure how to handle being there next door to

how to handle being there next door to him.

him. I'd never intended to stay away for

I'd never intended to stay away for nearly 2 years, but I always just kind

nearly 2 years, but I always just kind of found something else to do every time

of found something else to do every time there was a break.

there was a break. But now I was going home

But now I was going home to his house

to his house with him.

with him. Is this really happening?

Apparently, it was because 24 hours later, I was disembarking from a plane

later, I was disembarking from a plane at the Omaha airport.

at the Omaha airport. "This is the airport," Clark said,

"This is the airport," Clark said, looking around the small terminal like

looking around the small terminal like he couldn't believe his eyes. "Where are

he couldn't believe his eyes. "Where are the stores? Where is the Starbucks?"

the stores? Where is the Starbucks?" "You can get a mini Godfather's Pizza

"You can get a mini Godfather's Pizza over there," I said, heading for the

over there," I said, heading for the baggage claim area while pointing to the

baggage claim area while pointing to the right. It felt good being there, walking

right. It felt good being there, walking into a place I'd known my entire life

into a place I'd known my entire life and where I knew exactly which direction

and where I knew exactly which direction I was going. And there's a scooters

I was going. And there's a scooters right under that sign.

right under that sign. What in God's name is a scooters?

What in God's name is a scooters? Clark looked disgusted as he walked

Clark looked disgusted as he walked beside me, dragging his carry-on behind

beside me, dragging his carry-on behind him. It's coffee, I said, surprised he

him. It's coffee, I said, surprised he didn't know. Was that only a Midwestern

didn't know. Was that only a Midwestern thing? I loved scooters.

thing? I loved scooters. Just say okay, clerk, Lilith said,

Just say okay, clerk, Lilith said, smiling. I'm sure we can find decent

smiling. I'm sure we can find decent coffee by the hotel. Wait, they do have

coffee by the hotel. Wait, they do have decent coffee here, right, Liz? Of

decent coffee here, right, Liz? Of course, we have decent coffee, I said

course, we have decent coffee, I said defensively, walking toward the hall

defensively, walking toward the hall that led to the baggage claim area.

that led to the baggage claim area. I think Omaha has close to a million

I think Omaha has close to a million people. It's not in the prairie, for

people. It's not in the prairie, for God's sake.

God's sake. I'll be the judge of that," Clark said.

I'll be the judge of that," Clark said. I was walking faster as I led them

I was walking faster as I led them through the terminal, so excited to see

through the terminal, so excited to see my parents. I texted my dad when we

my parents. I texted my dad when we landed, so he should be waiting. My dad

landed, so he should be waiting. My dad and Helena, my stepmom, freaked out when

and Helena, my stepmom, freaked out when I called last night. As much as they'd

I called last night. As much as they'd been happy to come to California to

been happy to come to California to visit me during breaks, apparently me

visit me during breaks, apparently me coming home was much better. Helena

coming home was much better. Helena screamed through the phone when I shared

screamed through the phone when I shared the news and my dad sounded suspiciously

the news and my dad sounded suspiciously like someone who was weepy.

like someone who was weepy. I couldn't wait to see them. But when we

I couldn't wait to see them. But when we came down the escalator and there they

came down the escalator and there they were standing beside the baggage claim

were standing beside the baggage claim carousel, I was hit with all the

carousel, I was hit with all the emotion.

emotion. No matter how fast I blinked, I couldn't

No matter how fast I blinked, I couldn't keep in the tears.

keep in the tears. Something about being here and seeing

Something about being here and seeing them felt different.

them felt different. I was coming home after what felt like a

I was coming home after what felt like a very long time away.

very long time away. I tried keeping it together, but when I

I tried keeping it together, but when I stepped off the escalator and my dad

stepped off the escalator and my dad jogged over and wrapped me in a hug, I

jogged over and wrapped me in a hug, I was done.

was done. The smell of him, the laundry detergent

The smell of him, the laundry detergent on his shirt and the lotion he used for

on his shirt and the lotion he used for his dry skin and the cologne from the8s

his dry skin and the cologne from the8s that he still thought smelled good even

that he still thought smelled good even though it was crazy strong. took me back

though it was crazy strong. took me back to every loving hug from my childhood.

to every loving hug from my childhood. "It's about damn time," Helena said,

"It's about damn time," Helena said, smiling at us with tears in her eyes.

smiling at us with tears in her eyes. "You little shit."

"You little shit." That made me laugh, even as I cried, and

That made me laugh, even as I cried, and I pulled away from my dad to get my

I pulled away from my dad to get my emotions in check. I introduced

emotions in check. I introduced everyone, and Lilith and Clark, both

everyone, and Lilith and Clark, both seemed rightly so, to fall in love with

seemed rightly so, to fall in love with my parents instantly.

my parents instantly. If you're too tired and you just want to

If you're too tired and you just want to go to your hotel, we understand," Helena

go to your hotel, we understand," Helena said as we pulled away from the airport.

said as we pulled away from the airport. "But we'd love to have you guys over to

"But we'd love to have you guys over to the house for dinner. It's warm for

the house for dinner. It's warm for October, so we picked up some T-bones to

October, so we picked up some T-bones to throw on the grill. This is warm." Clark

throw on the grill. This is warm." Clark laughed, shaking his head. He was a

laughed, shaking his head. He was a California boy through and through, and

California boy through and through, and his reaction to 48° with a stiff north

his reaction to 48° with a stiff north wind was akin to someone being set loose

wind was akin to someone being set loose naked in Antarctica.

naked in Antarctica. "Fall is my favorite time to grill," my

"Fall is my favorite time to grill," my dad said, smiling at us in the rearview

dad said, smiling at us in the rearview mirror. "I'd loan you a sweater, Clark,

mirror. "I'd loan you a sweater, Clark, but I think it'll be a crop top." "That

but I think it'll be a crop top." "That sounds lovely," Lilis said, looking

sounds lovely," Lilis said, looking charmed by my nerdy dad.

charmed by my nerdy dad. the steak dinner, that is, not the crop

the steak dinner, that is, not the crop top. The four of them chatted non-stop

top. The four of them chatted non-stop on the way home, but I couldn't keep

on the way home, but I couldn't keep myself from just staring out the window.

myself from just staring out the window. I felt hungry to see it all, to lay my

I felt hungry to see it all, to lay my eyes upon every single place I hadn't

eyes upon every single place I hadn't seen in nearly 2 years.

seen in nearly 2 years. I was smiling like it was my first time

I was smiling like it was my first time in a car as the freeway took us past

in a car as the freeway took us past Charles Schwab Field, the downtown

Charles Schwab Field, the downtown skyline, Dinkers Hamburgers, the Denny's

skyline, Dinkers Hamburgers, the Denny's on 84th where Jos and I used to get

on 84th where Jos and I used to get pancakes on Friday nights. And the Sap

pancakes on Friday nights. And the Sap Brothers coffee pot sign that I thought

Brothers coffee pot sign that I thought was a rocket when I was 10 years old.

was a rocket when I was 10 years old. And the leaves I hadn't realized how

And the leaves I hadn't realized how much I'd missed the colors. The

much I'd missed the colors. The cottonwoods were bright yellow. The

cottonwoods were bright yellow. The sugar maples that perfect shade of

sugar maples that perfect shade of pinkish orange and the oaks were

pinkish orange and the oaks were currently doing all the hues in that

currently doing all the hues in that continuously changing until the lastly

continuously changing until the lastly falls way they had about them.

falls way they had about them. Damn, it's good to be back.

Damn, it's good to be back. I avoided looking at the house next door

I avoided looking at the house next door when we got home, even though I knew I

when we got home, even though I knew I was going to have to go inside it

was going to have to go inside it tomorrow because I just wanted to relax

tomorrow because I just wanted to relax and enjoy being home with my dad and

and enjoy being home with my dad and Helena before everything else happened.

Helena before everything else happened. >> "Hand me your bag, sweetie,"

>> "Hand me your bag, sweetie," >> my dad said. And as I walked up the

>> my dad said. And as I walked up the steps with him on my left and Helena on

steps with him on my left and Helena on my right, I wanted to soak up every

my right, I wanted to soak up every second of this homecoming.

second of this homecoming. I regretted not doing it sooner.

I regretted not doing it sooner. Clark kept my dad company on the deck

Clark kept my dad company on the deck while he grilled and I stayed inside

while he grilled and I stayed inside with Lilith and Helena and showered poor

with Lilith and Helena and showered poor Mr. Fitz pervert with attention that he

Mr. Fitz pervert with attention that he absolutely did not want. Helena bought

absolutely did not want. Helena bought Fitz a blue and yellow bow tie for our

Fitz a blue and yellow bow tie for our visit, which reminded me of just how

visit, which reminded me of just how perfect of a stepmom she actually was.

perfect of a stepmom she actually was. And as I sat between my dad and Lilith

And as I sat between my dad and Lilith at dinner, I realized that my face was

at dinner, I realized that my face was getting tired from all the happy

getting tired from all the happy smiling.

smiling. "This pasta salad is amazing," Clark

"This pasta salad is amazing," Clark said, wolfing down bite after bite like

said, wolfing down bite after bite like he was racing someone. "He was chewing

he was racing someone. "He was chewing when he said, "I think I'm in love with

when he said, "I think I'm in love with you now, Helena."

you now, Helena." "Actually, it's Bert Langenfarker you're

"Actually, it's Bert Langenfarker you're in love with," she corrected, picking up

in love with," she corrected, picking up her wine glass.

her wine glass. He's the guy at the deli who makes the

He's the guy at the deli who makes the sides. Is he single? He asked, not even

sides. Is he single? He asked, not even pausing in his food inhalation.

pausing in his food inhalation. He is not? Helena replied with a grin.

He is not? Helena replied with a grin. But I heard his wife's Facebook profile

But I heard his wife's Facebook profile says it's complicated, so there's a

says it's complicated, so there's a chance. Plot twist, Lilis said before

chance. Plot twist, Lilis said before finishing her glass of rosé. Hell yes,"

finishing her glass of rosé. Hell yes," Clark said, nodding while still chewing

Clark said, nodding while still chewing a giant mouthful of food. "I'll take

a giant mouthful of food. "I'll take complicated if it means ingesting this

complicated if it means ingesting this twirly goodness every night."

twirly goodness every night." Helena and Clark were two peas in a pod,

Helena and Clark were two peas in a pod, like a his and her comedy team that kept

like a his and her comedy team that kept the rest of us laughing the entire time.

the rest of us laughing the entire time. Lilith just kind of took it all in,

Lilith just kind of took it all in, seeming completely comfortable hanging

seeming completely comfortable hanging out at my house in her stocking feet.

out at my house in her stocking feet. and it felt like a perfect night.

and it felt like a perfect night. So, I was a little disappointed when it

So, I was a little disappointed when it was time for Clark and Lilith to go back

was time for Clark and Lilith to go back to the hotel.

to the hotel. Apparently, he wanted to swim and she

Apparently, he wanted to swim and she still needed to put in some time on the

still needed to put in some time on the treadmill. So, they said their goodbyes.

treadmill. So, they said their goodbyes. We made a plan to meet at 9 the next

We made a plan to meet at 9 the next morning. And then they drove off in the

morning. And then they drove off in the minivan my dad was letting them borrow

minivan my dad was letting them borrow while in town.

while in town. I love them, Helena said, closing the

I love them, Helena said, closing the door behind Lilith and Clark.

door behind Lilith and Clark. It makes me so happy you have good

It makes me so happy you have good people around you out there.

people around you out there. Right? I said, leaning down to scoop up

Right? I said, leaning down to scoop up Fitz. He made a

Fitz. He made a noise like he was unhappy, but I knew

noise like he was unhappy, but I knew he'd been waiting for me. They're the

he'd been waiting for me. They're the best.

best. We went into the kitchen and cleaned up

We went into the kitchen and cleaned up with the TV on. So, we were moving at

with the TV on. So, we were moving at half speed, really into the old episode

half speed, really into the old episode of Monk that we'd seen multiple times.

of Monk that we'd seen multiple times. It felt like the old days when Helena

It felt like the old days when Helena used to get take out and the three of us

used to get take out and the three of us would sit hunched over our food at the

would sit hunched over our food at the center island watching mindless reruns.

center island watching mindless reruns. And the entire evening had somehow made

And the entire evening had somehow made me homesick while I was home.

me homesick while I was home. nonsensical much, which of course made

nonsensical much, which of course made me want to go see my mom.

me want to go see my mom. I think I'm going to go for a quick run,

I think I'm going to go for a quick run, I said, wiping down the counter as my

I said, wiping down the counter as my dad started the dishwasher.

dad started the dishwasher. I know it's dark, but I've got my pepper

I know it's dark, but I've got my pepper spray, and I know the route by heart.

spray, and I know the route by heart. Keep the music quiet, then, he said with

Keep the music quiet, then, he said with an eyebrow raise. So, you're aware of

an eyebrow raise. So, you're aware of your surroundings.

your surroundings. I know. I said, "I will."

I know. I said, "I will." And for once, I actually ran with no

And for once, I actually ran with no music.

music. Usually, I hated that, but I didn't want

Usually, I hated that, but I didn't want to miss out on the sounds of my

to miss out on the sounds of my neighborhood. I hadn't realized how much

neighborhood. I hadn't realized how much I'd missed them, or even that they were

I'd missed them, or even that they were a thing at all. But I was all warm

a thing at all. But I was all warm fuzzies as my ears drank in the

fuzzies as my ears drank in the cacophony of suburban instruments.

cacophony of suburban instruments. The random leaf blower, the Thursday

The random leaf blower, the Thursday night football game playing in the

night football game playing in the garage of the old guy down the street,

garage of the old guy down the street, the barking of a big dog in an unseen

the barking of a big dog in an unseen backyard.

backyard. It was the soundtrack of my wonder

It was the soundtrack of my wonder years, the comforting white noise that

years, the comforting white noise that had lulled me to sleep on countless warm

had lulled me to sleep on countless warm nights.

nights. And when I got to my mom's headstone,

And when I got to my mom's headstone, where bright yellow Mums were in their

where bright yellow Mums were in their full autuminal glory, yes, I used my

full autuminal glory, yes, I used my phone light to check on them in the

phone light to check on them in the dark.

dark. I wondered

I wondered how I'd ever stayed away for so long.

Chapter 25. Because the first time that I saw these

Because the first time that I saw these hands, I couldn't imagine not being able

hands, I couldn't imagine not being able to hold them. Definitely. Maybe.

to hold them. Definitely. Maybe. Wes,

Wes, I wish I believed in ghosts. I sat there

I wish I believed in ghosts. I sat there on the one remaining chair in the secret

on the one remaining chair in the secret area, wishing I could feel my dad's

area, wishing I could feel my dad's presence. It was the last time I'd ever

presence. It was the last time I'd ever be out there in the dark by the fire.

be out there in the dark by the fire. The last night I'd ever see the inside

The last night I'd ever see the inside of that house. And I knew if I were in a

of that house. And I knew if I were in a movie, I'd find his old steeltoed boots

movie, I'd find his old steeltoed boots and somehow know he was proud of me,

and somehow know he was proud of me, that he forgave me for what I'd done.

that he forgave me for what I'd done. But no, it was just me and the quiet as

But no, it was just me and the quiet as I said my goodbyes. The secret area had

I said my goodbyes. The secret area had been taken over by thistles and milkweed

been taken over by thistles and milkweed and moles, apparently, I thought as I

and moles, apparently, I thought as I looked down at the dug up dirt beside

looked down at the dug up dirt beside the overgrown bush. It felt like some

the overgrown bush. It felt like some sort of depressing analogy for my former

sort of depressing analogy for my former life. as I pressed the soil back down

life. as I pressed the soil back down with my shoe. But I chose not to

with my shoe. But I chose not to overthink it as I chucked a few more

overthink it as I chucked a few more sticks into the fire. It was childish my

sticks into the fire. It was childish my plan to spend the night in the house.

plan to spend the night in the house. But I couldn't resist. I was a

But I couldn't resist. I was a sentimental [ __ ] who wanted one final

sentimental [ __ ] who wanted one final sleep in my childhood bedroom before

sleep in my childhood bedroom before someone else lived there. Noah offered

someone else lived there. Noah offered to come over because he was that kind of

to come over because he was that kind of friend. But I prefer to be alone. If it

friend. But I prefer to be alone. If it was Sarah, I would have said yes because

was Sarah, I would have said yes because she'd been a part of this teal street

she'd been a part of this teal street life. But anyone else would just feel

life. But anyone else would just feel like an intrusion. And my mom had zero

like an intrusion. And my mom had zero interest. Finding my dad in the living

interest. Finding my dad in the living room had destroyed the house for both of

room had destroyed the house for both of them. I opened Spotify and scrolled for

them. I opened Spotify and scrolled for something that my dad would have liked,

something that my dad would have liked, but nothing sentimental enough to make

but nothing sentimental enough to make me cry. I was already on the edge.

me cry. I was already on the edge. Bingo. Food fighters. The guy's guilty

Bingo. Food fighters. The guy's guilty pleasure. I clicked on the deepest blues

pleasure. I clicked on the deepest blues are black and wondered when the hell had

are black and wondered when the hell had gotten so cold. I'd only left a few

gotten so cold. I'd only left a few weeks ago, but this breeze was packed

weeks ago, but this breeze was packed with autumn's chill, which seemed

with autumn's chill, which seemed appropriate. Saying goodbye to a

appropriate. Saying goodbye to a lifetime of memories was an activity

lifetime of memories was an activity meant to be wrapped in bone chilling

meant to be wrapped in bone chilling cold, right? My fingers were freezing

cold, right? My fingers were freezing when I left my house keys with my dad an

when I left my house keys with my dad an hour ago. The new owners were rekeying

hour ago. The new owners were rekeying the place, so they only needed one set

the place, so they only needed one set of copies to get them in tomorrow. And

of copies to get them in tomorrow. And it felt wrong to just toss the keys I'd

it felt wrong to just toss the keys I'd had since I was 7 or 8 years old. So I

had since I was 7 or 8 years old. So I gave them to stew. I felt like the

gave them to stew. I felt like the keychain would have made him happy. You

keychain would have made him happy. You know, as happy as a dead man can be. It

know, as happy as a dead man can be. It was asinine, the way I felt when I

was asinine, the way I felt when I visited his grave. It had become a habit

visited his grave. It had become a habit that was somehow comforting, even though

that was somehow comforting, even though it was like the polar opposite of how

it was like the polar opposite of how Liz had once explained her daily visits

Liz had once explained her daily visits to her mother's grave. When Liz used to

to her mother's grave. When Liz used to visit her mom, she would sit down beside

visit her mom, she would sit down beside the headstone and talk to her mother

the headstone and talk to her mother like she was talking to her best friend.

like she was talking to her best friend. She told her what was going on in her

She told her what was going on in her life, and I remember Liz saying it made

life, and I remember Liz saying it made her feel like her mom was still involved

her feel like her mom was still involved in her world, even though she was gone.

in her world, even though she was gone. My trips to the cemetery were a little

My trips to the cemetery were a little different. I pretty much just sat down

different. I pretty much just sat down on the grass beside the Stor Herald

on the grass beside the Stor Herald Bennett headstone and stared into space,

Bennett headstone and stared into space, thinking things and assuming somehow the

thinking things and assuming somehow the ghosts of old Stew could drill into my

ghosts of old Stew could drill into my thoughts. I knew it was absurd. But I

thoughts. I knew it was absurd. But I also knew that I always felt a little

also knew that I always felt a little better when I left. I'd spent so many

better when I left. I'd spent so many panicked hours there at the beginning,

panicked hours there at the beginning, right after his massive heart attack

right after his massive heart attack rocked our world, desperately seeking

rocked our world, desperately seeking guidance from the grave because his

guidance from the grave because his headstone was the only place I could

headstone was the only place I could turn. There was no one else to tell me

turn. There was no one else to tell me how to make enough money to pay the

how to make enough money to pay the mortgage, what I was supposed to do when

mortgage, what I was supposed to do when my mom wouldn't come home, or how the

my mom wouldn't come home, or how the hell to install a new starter so I

hell to install a new starter so I didn't have to take my car to a garage

didn't have to take my car to a garage that we couldn't afford. So, I left it

that we couldn't afford. So, I left it at Stew's feet. Sometimes, like earlier

at Stew's feet. Sometimes, like earlier tonight, I just found a Cubs game on my

tonight, I just found a Cubs game on my phone and put it on speaker. I didn't

phone and put it on speaker. I didn't necessarily believe in the romanticized

necessarily believe in the romanticized notion of dead relatives hanging out

notion of dead relatives hanging out with us, but I also knew there was

with us, but I also knew there was something about listening to a game

something about listening to a game there that made me feel closer to my

there that made me feel closer to my dad. But whenever I allowed myself to

dad. But whenever I allowed myself to feel closer, to let all the memories

feel closer, to let all the memories rush in, the voice in my head whispered

rush in, the voice in my head whispered the reminder that always made me want to

the reminder that always made me want to run and hide.

run and hide. You're responsible.

You're responsible. Because I was. It was just a fact. I

Because I was. It was just a fact. I leaned my head back and remembered that

leaned my head back and remembered that phone call like it was yesterday. It'd

phone call like it was yesterday. It'd been 2 days before the exhibition game,

been 2 days before the exhibition game, my first freshman year, and I told him,

my first freshman year, and I told him, "I don't think you should come." Save

"I don't think you should come." Save it, Wesley," he said dismissively. "Your

it, Wesley," he said dismissively. "Your mom and I are leaving in a few hours.

mom and I are leaving in a few hours. The cars gassed up and everything." I

The cars gassed up and everything." I remember taking a deep breath and

remember taking a deep breath and powering through the words, forcing

powering through the words, forcing myself to do it. I didn't want to hear

myself to do it. I didn't want to hear him lose his [ __ ] but I needed it for

him lose his [ __ ] but I needed it for my mental health. I'd said, "Please

my mental health. I'd said, "Please don't come. It's just an exhibition

don't come. It's just an exhibition game, Dad. I don't want you to spend the

game, Dad. I don't want you to spend the money for a game that doesn't count." "A

money for a game that doesn't count." "A game that doesn't count?" he'd come back

game that doesn't count?" he'd come back with sounding agitated. Do you know who

with sounding agitated. Do you know who you sound like right now? Like a pitcher

you sound like right now? Like a pitcher who's going to blow it in the exhibition

who's going to blow it in the exhibition game. This game counts the most because

game. This game counts the most because it's your first time on the mound in

it's your first time on the mound in college. I'd been so stressed at the

college. I'd been so stressed at the time, so nervous I was going to let

time, so nervous I was going to let everyone down that I kind of snapped. Do

everyone down that I kind of snapped. Do you think I don't know that? He wasn't

you think I don't know that? He wasn't even there yet. And he was making me

even there yet. And he was making me more stressed about a game that I was

more stressed about a game that I was already out of my mind stressed about

already out of my mind stressed about and had been too much. I'm just saying

and had been too much. I'm just saying you guys don't need to drive 20 hours

you guys don't need to drive 20 hours for it. If I don't make the drive, kid,

for it. If I don't make the drive, kid, he'd insisted. Who's going to make sure

he'd insisted. Who's going to make sure you're ready? Not your coaches. They've

you're ready? Not your coaches. They've got you doing yoga and writing in

got you doing yoga and writing in goddamn journals instead of throwing the

goddamn journals instead of throwing the baseball. Dad. And not you? No. You'll

baseball. Dad. And not you? No. You'll be playing grab ass with the redhead

be playing grab ass with the redhead instead of focusing. I don't want you to

instead of focusing. I don't want you to come. I blurted yelling over the phone

come. I blurted yelling over the phone even though I never yelled at him. Okay.

even though I never yelled at him. Okay. I'm already stressed about this game.

I'm already stressed about this game. So, the last thing I need is you in my

So, the last thing I need is you in my head. Just stay home for this one.

head. Just stay home for this one. Please. Listen, kid. You've got to

Please. Listen, kid. You've got to channel that psychological nonsense and

channel that psychological nonsense and stop being a [ __ ] Do you think just

stop being a [ __ ] Do you think just stay away? Okay, Dad. I rubbed the back

stay away? Okay, Dad. I rubbed the back of my neck and stared into the fire.

of my neck and stared into the fire. Still able to hear the argument like it

Still able to hear the argument like it just happened. I sounded exactly like

just happened. I sounded exactly like him when I shouted, "You're the worst

him when I shouted, "You're the worst part of baseball for me, and I dread

part of baseball for me, and I dread seeing your face in the stands. Is that

seeing your face in the stands. Is that what you want me to say? because it's

what you want me to say? because it's the truth. I don't want you there." It

the truth. I don't want you there." It was dead quiet after I said that, and my

was dead quiet after I said that, and my heart had been pounding out of my chest.

heart had been pounding out of my chest. He was going to go apeshit on me for

He was going to go apeshit on me for talking to him like that, but he didn't.

talking to him like that, but he didn't. He didn't say anything. I could hear the

He didn't say anything. I could hear the TV in the background, so I knew he was

TV in the background, so I knew he was still there, but he didn't say a word.

still there, but he didn't say a word. And then the call was disconnected.

And then the call was disconnected. Screw this. I stood and poured water on

Screw this. I stood and poured water on the fire, my gut roing as sweat beated

the fire, my gut roing as sweat beated on my forehead in the cold breeze. I

on my forehead in the cold breeze. I didn't drink anymore. Not really. But

didn't drink anymore. Not really. But tonight was an emergency.

Chapter 26. I'm the exception.

I'm the exception. You are my exception.

You are my exception. He's just not that into you,

He's just not that into you, Liz.

Liz. I promise I'll come back sooner this

I promise I'll come back sooner this time. I sat beside the moms, wiping away

time. I sat beside the moms, wiping away my tears. The tears that wouldn't stop.

my tears. The tears that wouldn't stop. I had never meant to stay away for so

I had never meant to stay away for so long.

long. After I'd come home for Christmas my

After I'd come home for Christmas my freshman year, and everything terrible

freshman year, and everything terrible happened with Wes. I had jumped at the

happened with Wes. I had jumped at the chance to go on spring break with my

chance to go on spring break with my roommate a few months later.

roommate a few months later. The thought of seeing Wes had been

The thought of seeing Wes had been unbearable and thankfully my parents had

unbearable and thankfully my parents had been cool with the trip.

been cool with the trip. Then I decided to take summer classes.

Then I decided to take summer classes. Then last year I found a Verbbo in

Then last year I found a Verbbo in Colorado where my parents and I spent

Colorado where my parents and I spent Christmas break. And then I begged them

Christmas break. And then I begged them to let me go on spring break with Leo

to let me go on spring break with Leo and Campbell. Rinse and repeat with

and Campbell. Rinse and repeat with summer classes.

summer classes. My goal had never been to stay gone

My goal had never been to stay gone forever, but the anxiety I'd felt at the

forever, but the anxiety I'd felt at the thought of returning home led me to

thought of returning home led me to desperately grab on to any method of

desperately grab on to any method of avoidance every single time.

avoidance every single time. I'd been surprisingly okay with not

I'd been surprisingly okay with not being able to visit my mom's grave. I

being able to visit my mom's grave. I had grown up, it seemed, because I was

had grown up, it seemed, because I was now able to talk to my mom pretty much

now able to talk to my mom pretty much every day without being in close

every day without being in close proximity to her headstone.

proximity to her headstone. So, it didn't make sense that the moment

So, it didn't make sense that the moment I touched the letters of her name

I touched the letters of her name tonight, engraved in the cold marble,

tonight, engraved in the cold marble, I fell apart.

I fell apart. I was a mess.

I was a mess. I'd been sitting on the ground on top of

I'd been sitting on the ground on top of a pile of leaves, sobbing my eyes out as

a pile of leaves, sobbing my eyes out as I told my mother every tiny thing that

I told my mother every tiny thing that had happened to me since I'd left for

had happened to me since I'd left for college 2 years ago.

college 2 years ago. It was mostly good stuff, the happy

It was mostly good stuff, the happy accounting of the nice things in my

accounting of the nice things in my life. But telling her about it was

life. But telling her about it was making me miss her so much that it was

making me miss her so much that it was painful.

painful. What is wrong with me?

What is wrong with me? On top of that, the thought of leaving

On top of that, the thought of leaving her again felt just as awful as it had

her again felt just as awful as it had the first time.

the first time. Perhaps I was never going to get over

Perhaps I was never going to get over it, never be past it.

it, never be past it. I climbed to my feet and dusted off my

I climbed to my feet and dusted off my leggings.

leggings. It was really dark now and I needed to

It was really dark now and I needed to get home. I walked up the road, the road

get home. I walked up the road, the road I'd sprinted so many times over the

I'd sprinted so many times over the years, and it seemed like a lifetime

years, and it seemed like a lifetime ago.

ago. Who was that girl who jogged to the

Who was that girl who jogged to the cemetery on a daily basis?

cemetery on a daily basis? I couldn't remember.

I couldn't remember. Ironically, the last time I'd been here,

Ironically, the last time I'd been here, I hadn't even visited my mother's grave.

I hadn't even visited my mother's grave. It had been for Mr. Bennett's funeral.

It had been for Mr. Bennett's funeral. What a terrible day.

What a terrible day. It hadn't been cold for Nebraska, but it

It hadn't been cold for Nebraska, but it had rained hard the entire day.

had rained hard the entire day. I'd been with Wes in the big funeral

I'd been with Wes in the big funeral car, holding his hand while his mother

car, holding his hand while his mother sobbed uncontrollably,

sobbed uncontrollably, and his sister looked like a lost little

and his sister looked like a lost little bird, staring into space the entire day.

bird, staring into space the entire day. He'd been stoic, very unwestlike,

He'd been stoic, very unwestlike, while he behaved as the head of the

while he behaved as the head of the family, ushering his mom to her seat

family, ushering his mom to her seat under the makeshift awning, answering

under the makeshift awning, answering the pastor's questions,

the pastor's questions, watching his father's casket be lowered

watching his father's casket be lowered into the ground.

into the ground. "No," I muttered under my breath,

"No," I muttered under my breath, walking faster as the autumn breeze

walking faster as the autumn breeze picked up and blew my hair in front of

picked up and blew my hair in front of my face.

my face. The last thing I needed to be doing was

The last thing I needed to be doing was thinking about Wes or how awful that day

thinking about Wes or how awful that day had been. So, it didn't make any sense

had been. So, it didn't make any sense that I was walking toward Mr. Bennett's

that I was walking toward Mr. Bennett's grave.

grave. But, I just had to see it.

But, I just had to see it. It was illogical, but I felt the need to

It was illogical, but I felt the need to visit him while I was there, to at the

visit him while I was there, to at the very least say hello.

very least say hello. I knew I was nuts when it came to

I knew I was nuts when it came to cemeteries, but I didn't like the

cemeteries, but I didn't like the thought of no one visiting him, even if

thought of no one visiting him, even if he had been a bit of a jerk 75% of the

he had been a bit of a jerk 75% of the time.

time. I went straight to the cottonwood tree

I went straight to the cottonwood tree it was under, the biggest tree in the

it was under, the biggest tree in the cemetery and my absolute favorite.

cemetery and my absolute favorite. Its leaves were probably bright yellow

Its leaves were probably bright yellow by now, but it was impossible to tell in

by now, but it was impossible to tell in the darkness.

the darkness. I ducked underneath its lowest branch

I ducked underneath its lowest branch and knelt at the grave marker I could

and knelt at the grave marker I could barely see.

barely see. Stuart Harold Bennett.

Stuart Harold Bennett. I burrowed my chin into the collar of

I burrowed my chin into the collar of the jacket as the name Wesley Harold

the jacket as the name Wesley Harold Bennett whispered through my ears.

Bennett whispered through my ears. And before I could process that, I saw

And before I could process that, I saw the baseballs.

the baseballs. I got out my phone again and turned on

I got out my phone again and turned on the flashlight because maybe I was

the flashlight because maybe I was seeing things.

seeing things. only. Nope. They were baseballs.

only. Nope. They were baseballs. At the base of the headstone, there were

At the base of the headstone, there were no fewer than 15 baseballs. Each one

no fewer than 15 baseballs. Each one burrowed into the mud and dirt just

burrowed into the mud and dirt just enough so they stayed put.

enough so they stayed put. I set a finger on one of them, wondering

I set a finger on one of them, wondering if Wes had left them, while knowing it

if Wes had left them, while knowing it had to have been him.

had to have been him. I leaned down to dust a few leaves off

I leaned down to dust a few leaves off the top of the marble when I saw a key

the top of the marble when I saw a key ring on the ground, the metal glinting

ring on the ground, the metal glinting in the light of the flashlight.

in the light of the flashlight. I picked it up and it was a Bruins

I picked it up and it was a Bruins baseball keychain with a few keys on it.

baseball keychain with a few keys on it. They had to be Wes's keys, right?

They had to be Wes's keys, right? I picked them up and put them in my

I picked them up and put them in my pocket. He was probably freaking out

pocket. He was probably freaking out trying to find them, especially when the

trying to find them, especially when the closing was tomorrow.

closing was tomorrow. As soon as I got back to the house, I'd

As soon as I got back to the house, I'd figure out how to get them to him. I

figure out how to get them to him. I could text him, but maybe I'd give them

could text him, but maybe I'd give them to Clark to give to him instead.

to Clark to give to him instead. I didn't want to be thinking about Wes

I didn't want to be thinking about Wes right now, even as I knelt at his

right now, even as I knelt at his father's grave.

father's grave. I looked down at the baseballs, blinking

I looked down at the baseballs, blinking back more tears.

back more tears. What the hell is wrong with me tonight?

What the hell is wrong with me tonight? As I said, hey, Mr. Bennett, sorry I've

As I said, hey, Mr. Bennett, sorry I've never come to see you."

never come to see you." I pictured his face, handsome like

I pictured his face, handsome like Wes's, but not as kind.

Wes's, but not as kind. And I just started rambling

And I just started rambling about how well Wes pitched at the

about how well Wes pitched at the exhibition game.

exhibition game. It was what he'd want to hear if he was

It was what he'd want to hear if he was alive. So, I assumed his preferences

alive. So, I assumed his preferences hadn't changed.

hadn't changed. I told him how hard his son had thrown,

I told him how hard his son had thrown, and I told him how no one had been able

and I told him how no one had been able to hit off him.

to hit off him. I even said he really threw him the gas,

I even said he really threw him the gas, Mr. Bennett's favorite expression.

Mr. Bennett's favorite expression. By the time I was finished talking to

By the time I was finished talking to ghosts at the cemetery, I was frozen.

ghosts at the cemetery, I was frozen. I ran home, took a long, hot shower, and

I ran home, took a long, hot shower, and after hanging out with my dad and Helena

after hanging out with my dad and Helena for an hour, I finally went up to bed.

for an hour, I finally went up to bed. But before I could sleep, I needed to

But before I could sleep, I needed to tell Wes about his keys.

tell Wes about his keys. I think I found your keys.

I think I found your keys. Nope. I backspaced, not wanting him to

Nope. I backspaced, not wanting him to know I'd visited his dad's grave.

know I'd visited his dad's grave. I typed. Your keys were on the ground at

I typed. Your keys were on the ground at the cemetery.

Backspaced again. Why was I overthinking this? I just

Why was I overthinking this? I just needed to tell him I found his keys. No

needed to tell him I found his keys. No big deal. I texted.

big deal. I texted. I found some keys that I think might be

I found some keys that I think might be yours. I'll drop them in your mailbox.

yours. I'll drop them in your mailbox. Send.

Send. Finally.

Finally. I'd been randomly looking out the window

I'd been randomly looking out the window since I got back from my run. Yep. The

since I got back from my run. Yep. The silver car I saw him get out of earlier

silver car I saw him get out of earlier is still there.

is still there. But there weren't any lights on inside

But there weren't any lights on inside his house.

his house. It looked vacant and asleep.

It looked vacant and asleep. So maybe he'd left the car there or

So maybe he'd left the car there or something.

something. My phone started ringing in my hand,

My phone started ringing in my hand, startling me. God. I looked down and Wes

startling me. God. I looked down and Wes was calling me.

was calling me. Why?

Why? I took a deep breath then raised the

I took a deep breath then raised the phone to my ear. Hello.

phone to my ear. Hello. Kiss.

Kiss. Wes's voice sounded weird, like it was

Wes's voice sounded weird, like it was too close to the phone or something.

too close to the phone or something. What keys?

What keys? >> Um, there are a couple keys on a Bruins

>> Um, there are a couple keys on a Bruins baseball keychain, I said mildly

baseball keychain, I said mildly confused by his tone.

confused by his tone. I just assumed they were yours.

I just assumed they were yours. Did my dad give them to you? He asked,

Did my dad give them to you? He asked, sounding wildly confused.

sounding wildly confused. How the hell did you get them?

How the hell did you get them? His dad?

His dad? What? No, I found them on the ground.

What? No, I found them on the ground. The ground,

The ground, he said, dragging out the words.

he said, dragging out the words. The ground? Where?

The ground? Where? The chemary.

The chemary. Are you back?

Are you back? Only it sounded a little like cemetery.

Only it sounded a little like cemetery. Yes. Are you drunk?

Yes. Are you drunk? Little bit, he replied.

Little bit, he replied. his words slower than his usual

his words slower than his usual fast-paced rate of snappy sarcasm.

fast-paced rate of snappy sarcasm. But that doesn't change the fact that

But that doesn't change the fact that like, did you visit my dad's grave?

like, did you visit my dad's grave? Or did one of those [ __ ] squirrels

Or did one of those [ __ ] squirrels run off with the keys? They used to take

run off with the keys? They used to take the stuff I left all the goddamn time.

the stuff I left all the goddamn time. Little [ __ ]

Little [ __ ] >> Definitely drunk.

>> Definitely drunk. I was walking by his grave. I lied,

I was walking by his grave. I lied, dumbruck by his intoxication

dumbruck by his intoxication and happened to see them lying there.

and happened to see them lying there. I left him the keys

I left him the keys because it was his house, you know, he

because it was his house, you know, he said kind of mumbling.

said kind of mumbling. He should have them.

He should have them. I didn't know what to say because I was

I didn't know what to say because I was having trouble processing all this.

having trouble processing all this. Is Michael there with you?

Is Michael there with you? No one is with me, he said, sounding

No one is with me, he said, sounding distracted.

distracted. I couldn't have anyone over for the last

I couldn't have anyone over for the last night at the Bennett house. Are you

night at the Bennett house. Are you kidding?

kidding? He'd hate that.

He'd hate that. His dad.

His dad. Maybe you shouldn't be alone, Wes. I

Maybe you shouldn't be alone, Wes. I said, looking out the window, but only

said, looking out the window, but only seeing darkness from his house.

seeing darkness from his house. Why was he alone? Why was he alone and

Why was he alone? Why was he alone and drunk? Was he sitting on the floor in

drunk? Was he sitting on the floor in the dark all by himself with a bottle of

the dark all by himself with a bottle of booze?

booze? I wasn't sure why, but I felt like I

I wasn't sure why, but I felt like I should call someone. It seemed dangerous

should call someone. It seemed dangerous for him to be drunk and by himself in an

for him to be drunk and by himself in an empty house.

empty house. My throat was tight when I suggested.

My throat was tight when I suggested. Can you call someone?

Can you call someone? No,

No, cuz I'm going to sleep now. Lib, he

cuz I'm going to sleep now. Lib, he said. and his subconscious use of my old

said. and his subconscious use of my old nickname made that throat tension even

nickname made that throat tension even worse.

worse. I'm so tired.

I'm so tired. I'm so tired.

I'm so tired. Something about that statement was

Something about that statement was worrisome and I wondered if I should try

worrisome and I wondered if I should try to find Sarah's number.

to find Sarah's number. "Okay,"

"Okay," I said, not knowing what to say. I knew

I said, not knowing what to say. I knew he had to be hurting, but I wasn't the

he had to be hurting, but I wasn't the person to be helping him anymore.

person to be helping him anymore. Right.

Right. I swallowed and said, "Well, good night

I swallowed and said, "Well, good night was."

was." "I miss our good nights," he mumbled to

"I miss our good nights," he mumbled to himself, it seemed. And then the call

himself, it seemed. And then the call ended.

ended. I sat there with the phone in my hand,

I sat there with the phone in my hand, frozen in place, not sure what to do.

frozen in place, not sure what to do. My stomach hurt as I pictured him drunk

My stomach hurt as I pictured him drunk and alone in an empty house.

and alone in an empty house. But he wasn't mine to worry about

But he wasn't mine to worry about anymore. He was just my old neighbor, a

anymore. He was just my old neighbor, a guy I'd dated for a few months, and our

guy I'd dated for a few months, and our lives had moved on, right?

lives had moved on, right? It wasn't my business if he was sad. But

It wasn't my business if he was sad. But as I turned out my light and went to

as I turned out my light and went to bed, I couldn't stop thinking about him.

bed, I couldn't stop thinking about him. I kept picturing his dark eyes full of

I kept picturing his dark eyes full of tears at the funeral

tears at the funeral and his slurred voice when he said, "Did

and his slurred voice when he said, "Did my dad give them to you?"

my dad give them to you?" I tossed and turned. Wes on my mind when

I tossed and turned. Wes on my mind when I was awake and when I was asleep

I was awake and when I was asleep then my worries switched to the alcohol

then my worries switched to the alcohol and his aloneeness. How much had he

and his aloneeness. How much had he consumed? What if he'd been drinking

consumed? What if he'd been drinking straight from a bottle all night?

straight from a bottle all night? At 2:15, I reached for my phone, texted,

At 2:15, I reached for my phone, texted, "Are you okay?"

"Are you okay?" 20 minutes later, he still hadn't

20 minutes later, he still hadn't responded.

responded. "Damn it." I sat up and flipped on my

"Damn it." I sat up and flipped on my lamp. Realizing I had no choice.

Just knock on the door, make sure he's alive, say goodbye.

alive, say goodbye. I knocked on the front door of his

I knocked on the front door of his house. nervous because it was the middle

house. nervous because it was the middle of the night and I was prowling around

of the night and I was prowling around outside.

outside. This is stupid.

This is stupid. There were still no lights on inside.

There were still no lights on inside. Zero black space in every window. Not a

Zero black space in every window. Not a single light to be seen. Yet, Wes's car

single light to be seen. Yet, Wes's car was still in the driveway. Part of me

was still in the driveway. Part of me wanted to just run back home, but I had

wanted to just run back home, but I had to make sure he was okay.

to make sure he was okay. I looked behind me toward the street,

I looked behind me toward the street, but it was quiet except for the chilly

but it was quiet except for the chilly fall breeze and the sounds of the dry

fall breeze and the sounds of the dry leaves blowing in the wind.

leaves blowing in the wind. Very creepy.

Very creepy. I knocked again and then I heard it. Foo

I knocked again and then I heard it. Foo fighters coming from inside his house.

fighters coming from inside his house. The deeper the blues, the more I see

The deeper the blues, the more I see black.

black. Loud.

Loud. Wes. I knocked harder, a little

Wes. I knocked harder, a little irritated. I wasn't sure if he was even

irritated. I wasn't sure if he was even inside, but I wanted to be finished with

inside, but I wanted to be finished with the standing alone in the dark outside

the standing alone in the dark outside portion of the evening, especially since

portion of the evening, especially since my dad and Helena were sound asleep. If

my dad and Helena were sound asleep. If I disappeared, no one would even know

I disappeared, no one would even know I'd left the house until morning.

I'd left the house until morning. After another 10 seconds, I said, "Screw

After another 10 seconds, I said, "Screw it."

it." I stuck the key that was obviously a

I stuck the key that was obviously a house key into the lock, turned the door

house key into the lock, turned the door knob, and pushed in the door.

knob, and pushed in the door. Wes,

Wes, it's Liz.

it's Liz. I stepped inside, letting the screen

I stepped inside, letting the screen door close behind me. I quietly shut the

door close behind me. I quietly shut the front door and wondered what the hell I

front door and wondered what the hell I was even doing.

was even doing. The music sounded like it was coming

The music sounded like it was coming from the living room, so I went up the

from the living room, so I went up the five steps that led from the entryway to

five steps that led from the entryway to the main level.

the main level. I walked slowly because it was so

I walked slowly because it was so incredibly dark in there. Suddenly, this

incredibly dark in there. Suddenly, this seemed like the worst idea I'd ever had.

seemed like the worst idea I'd ever had. Wes.

Wes. I looked to my left, and it was a little

I looked to my left, and it was a little easier to see. The front curtains were

easier to see. The front curtains were wide open, so the bright moon and street

wide open, so the bright moon and street lights illuminated the very empty living

lights illuminated the very empty living room.

room. Not a picture, not a piece of furniture,

Not a picture, not a piece of furniture, not a single familiar item remained from

not a single familiar item remained from the Bennett's former home.

the Bennett's former home. I could see the glow of the tiny red

I could see the glow of the tiny red light on the Bluetooth speaker that was

light on the Bluetooth speaker that was playing the Foo Fighters, but no one was

playing the Foo Fighters, but no one was in that room.

in that room. Damn it. I hit the wall switch and the

Damn it. I hit the wall switch and the recessed light above the fireplace

recessed light above the fireplace turned on, confirming the room's

turned on, confirming the room's emptiness.

emptiness. I started down the hallway, walking in

I started down the hallway, walking in the direction of the bedrooms, my heart

the direction of the bedrooms, my heart pounding in my chest.

pounding in my chest. I didn't know what I was doing, but it

I didn't know what I was doing, but it seemed very stupid.

seemed very stupid. "Wes," I said quietly, not wanting to

"Wes," I said quietly, not wanting to scare him.

scare him. I walked past his room and Sarah's room,

I walked past his room and Sarah's room, which were both dark and quiet.

which were both dark and quiet. Then I heard a sound coming from his

Then I heard a sound coming from his parents' room at the end of the hall,

parents' room at the end of the hall, like someone was talking.

like someone was talking. "Thank God." I'd pictured him

"Thank God." I'd pictured him unconscious in a puddle of his own

unconscious in a puddle of his own vomit.

vomit. "Not," I heard him mumble,

"Not," I heard him mumble, but then he made a weird noise,

but then he made a weird noise, like a whimper,

like a whimper, like a moan.

like a moan. "Oh my god, is he with someone?"

"Oh my god, is he with someone?" I turned on the halllight, my heart

I turned on the halllight, my heart pounding in my chest as I crept closer

pounding in my chest as I crept closer to the bedroom.

to the bedroom. "Wes," I whispered, and when I reached

"Wes," I whispered, and when I reached the bedroom door, I could see him lying

the bedroom door, I could see him lying shirtless on the floor of the empty

shirtless on the floor of the empty room.

room. There was a sweatshirt under his head,

There was a sweatshirt under his head, and he was facing the other direction,

and he was facing the other direction, but he was agitated in his sleep.

but he was agitated in his sleep. He was thrashing, his head moving as he

He was thrashing, his head moving as he made a sound that sounded a lot like a

made a sound that sounded a lot like a sob. "Oh my god, is he crying

sob. "Oh my god, is he crying in his sleep?"

in his sleep?" "Wes," I said a little louder, wanting

"Wes," I said a little louder, wanting to wake him up but not scare him.

to wake him up but not scare him. "Help me," he muttered, his sleeping

"Help me," he muttered, his sleeping voice infused with panic.

voice infused with panic. "Do something.

"Do something. Wake up, Wes," I said, feeling panicked

Wake up, Wes," I said, feeling panicked as I dropped to my knees beside him and

as I dropped to my knees beside him and touched his arm. I didn't want to scare

touched his arm. I didn't want to scare him, but he needed to wake up. "Wes,

him, but he needed to wake up. "Wes, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. So sorry,"

So sorry," he mumbled,

he mumbled, and my heart broke for him as his voice

and my heart broke for him as his voice cracked.

cracked. Wes. I lightly slapped at his cheeks, my

Wes. I lightly slapped at his cheeks, my heart in my throat, as desperation to

heart in my throat, as desperation to wake him from the nightmare clawed at

wake him from the nightmare clawed at me. I didn't know what was going on in

me. I didn't know what was going on in his subconscious, but I knew he needed

his subconscious, but I knew he needed to escape it. Wake up. Suddenly, he

to escape it. Wake up. Suddenly, he sucked in a huge gasp of air, sounding

sucked in a huge gasp of air, sounding like someone who'd just come up from

like someone who'd just come up from being held underwater.

being held underwater. His eyes flew open, and he looked

His eyes flew open, and he looked completely disoriented.

completely disoriented. "Help me!"

"Help me!" He gasped, sitting up, turning his head

He gasped, sitting up, turning his head to look down the hall. "We have to do

to look down the hall. "We have to do CPR," "Wes," I said, setting my hands on

CPR," "Wes," I said, setting my hands on his shoulders, trying to calm him while

his shoulders, trying to calm him while he woke up, empathy burning in my chest

he woke up, empathy burning in my chest for the raw anguish I could see on his

for the raw anguish I could see on his face. "It's okay. You were dreaming."

face. "It's okay. You were dreaming." No, though, he said, his voice panicked,

No, though, he said, his voice panicked, his eyes glistening with tears in the

his eyes glistening with tears in the darkness. He's by his chair and needs

darkness. He's by his chair and needs us. It was a dream, I interrupted,

us. It was a dream, I interrupted, wanting so badly to get him back from

wanting so badly to get him back from whatever terrible place had him. Wes,

whatever terrible place had him. Wes, sh, it's okay. It's not okay. It's my

sh, it's okay. It's not okay. It's my fault. His chest was rising and falling

fault. His chest was rising and falling like he was breathing too much and

like he was breathing too much and couldn't catch his breath. He shrugged

couldn't catch his breath. He shrugged off my hands and climbed to his feet. I

off my hands and climbed to his feet. I have to go help [clears throat] my dad.

have to go help [clears throat] my dad. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I thought having no idea how to help him.

thought having no idea how to help him. Should I shout the truth that his dad is

Should I shout the truth that his dad is dead? That didn't seem like a great

dead? That didn't seem like a great idea, but he needed to snap out of this,

idea, but he needed to snap out of this, right? What am I supposed to do here?

right? What am I supposed to do here? Your dad is gone,

Your dad is gone, I said in a voice so quiet it was almost

I said in a voice so quiet it was almost a whisper.

a whisper. I looked up at him,

I looked up at him, a little scared, but not even sure of

a little scared, but not even sure of what and hated having to say.

what and hated having to say. What?

What? He's gone.

He's gone. No, he said, shaking his head as the

No, he said, shaking his head as the light from the hallway showed me the

light from the hallway showed me the tears on his cheeks.

tears on his cheeks. He turned and stumbled toward the living

He turned and stumbled toward the living room's hang.

room's hang. I have to fix him.

I have to fix him. Wes.

Wes. Dear God, how drunk was he? And I

Dear God, how drunk was he? And I desperately wanted this to be

desperately wanted this to be drunkenness because if it wasn't, what

drunkenness because if it wasn't, what was this pain?

was this pain? I grieved my mother every day. But this

I grieved my mother every day. But this was very different.

was very different. I stood and went after him. And when I

I stood and went after him. And when I got to the living room, he was staring

got to the living room, he was staring at the spot in the corner where his

at the spot in the corner where his dad's recliner used to sit.

dad's recliner used to sit. Just staring into space as the Foo

Just staring into space as the Foo Fighters screamed against the walls,

Fighters screamed against the walls, shaking like the thunder.

shaking like the thunder. I blinked back tears as he fell to his

I blinked back tears as he fell to his knees, like the reality of the moment

knees, like the reality of the moment was just too much for him to take while

was just too much for him to take while standing.

standing. Wes.

Wes. I knelt beside him and put my hand on

I knelt beside him and put my hand on his back, desperately needing to find a

his back, desperately needing to find a way to help to somehow lessen whatever

way to help to somehow lessen whatever this pain was.

this pain was. Even if this was a drunken stouper, I'd

Even if this was a drunken stouper, I'd never seen him or anyone hurt quite this

never seen him or anyone hurt quite this much.

much. He looked at me through lost, tearfilled

He looked at me through lost, tearfilled eyes,

eyes, and he shook his head.

and he shook his head. I can't fix it.

I can't fix it. I know.

I know. I pushed back the hair on his sweaty

I pushed back the hair on his sweaty forehead and had trouble seeing him

forehead and had trouble seeing him through my tears.

through my tears. But it's okay.

But it's okay. It's not okay, he said.

It's not okay, he said. And I felt the anguish in his unsteady

And I felt the anguish in his unsteady voice.

voice. I could smell the alcohol in his breath,

I could smell the alcohol in his breath, but I suspected this had very little to

but I suspected this had very little to do with that fact.

do with that fact. It's my fault.

It's my fault. Just calm down, I said quietly because

Just calm down, I said quietly because his chest was rising and falling too

his chest was rising and falling too fast, like he couldn't catch his breath.

fast, like he couldn't catch his breath. "No,

"No, you don't get it," he said, shaking his

you don't get it," he said, shaking his head. And yeah, he was definitely

head. And yeah, he was definitely breathing too hard. As someone who'd

breathing too hard. As someone who'd dealt with her own panic attacks, I

dealt with her own panic attacks, I recognized the familiar.

recognized the familiar. West Bennett, look at me now.

>> Chapter 27. I propose we not make plans. I propose

I propose we not make plans. I propose we give this thing a chance and let it

we give this thing a chance and let it work out how it works out. So, what do

work out how it works out. So, what do you say? Do you want to not make plans

you say? Do you want to not make plans with me? Leap year.

I couldn't breathe again. My heart was racing and my breath was coming too fast

racing and my breath was coming too fast as it all screamed back at me. This

as it all screamed back at me. This happened sometimes after the nightmares,

happened sometimes after the nightmares, but this was the first time it was

but this was the first time it was happening in front of somebody else.

happening in front of somebody else. [ __ ] awesome.

[ __ ] awesome. Wes. Liz's face was suddenly all I could

Wes. Liz's face was suddenly all I could see as she moved closer. "Eyes on me." I

see as she moved closer. "Eyes on me." I nodded and tried to catch my breath.

nodded and tried to catch my breath. "Deep breath through your nose," she

"Deep breath through your nose," she said, setting her hands on my chest.

said, setting her hands on my chest. "Come on." Her eyes became my whole

"Come on." Her eyes became my whole world. I inhaled, feeling her fingertips

world. I inhaled, feeling her fingertips on my skin, and she nodded. "Good. Now

on my skin, and she nodded. "Good. Now listen to me." She moved her hands to my

listen to me." She moved her hands to my jaw, grabbing my cheeks and pulling my

jaw, grabbing my cheeks and pulling my face closer to hers. It was dark, but I

face closer to hers. It was dark, but I saw the shimmer of tears as she spoke

saw the shimmer of tears as she spoke loud and slow. "It wasn't your fault." I

loud and slow. "It wasn't your fault." I stared into her eyes, desperate to

stared into her eyes, desperate to believe her, wanting so badly to just

believe her, wanting so badly to just let the words manipulate reality and

let the words manipulate reality and make it all go away. Her fingers flexed

make it all go away. Her fingers flexed on my skin, squeezing like she was

on my skin, squeezing like she was demanding my attention. I don't know how

demanding my attention. I don't know how you could think that, but it isn't true.

you could think that, but it isn't true. But I said, Wes. She set her forehead on

But I said, Wes. She set her forehead on mine, her tone soothing as her gentle

mine, her tone soothing as her gentle fingers warm my skin. Her voice was

fingers warm my skin. Her voice was sweet and breathy, a melatonin cloud as

sweet and breathy, a melatonin cloud as she insisted, "You need to forgive

she insisted, "You need to forgive yourself for whatever this is." Okay. I

yourself for whatever this is." Okay. I felt a little lightheaded as I closed my

felt a little lightheaded as I closed my eyes. I'd never forgive myself. I opened

eyes. I'd never forgive myself. I opened my eyes and lingered, reveling in Liz's

my eyes and lingered, reveling in Liz's hands on my face, her forehead on mine.

hands on my face, her forehead on mine. She was right there with me, my Libby. I

She was right there with me, my Libby. I raised my hands and pushed back her

raised my hands and pushed back her hair, sliding all 10 fingers into the

hair, sliding all 10 fingers into the soft, thick curls that always smelled

soft, thick curls that always smelled like Friia. She was watching me with

like Friia. She was watching me with damp eyes, her lips sweet and soft. And

damp eyes, her lips sweet and soft. And the magnitude of my longing was like a

the magnitude of my longing was like a punch to the solar plexus. "Lib," I

punch to the solar plexus. "Lib," I whispered, lowering my head and kissing

whispered, lowering my head and kissing away a tear. I could feel her long,

away a tear. I could feel her long, jagged inhalation as I tilted her head

jagged inhalation as I tilted her head with my hands as I went back for the

with my hands as I went back for the tear on her other cheek. My hands were

tear on her other cheek. My hands were shaking as I slid them lower, so my

shaking as I slid them lower, so my palms were on her warm throat. My

palms were on her warm throat. My fingers buried underneath the back of

fingers buried underneath the back of her hair. She didn't move, didn't speak.

her hair. She didn't move, didn't speak. We were in slow motion, quicksand, and

We were in slow motion, quicksand, and the only thing I knew was that we were

the only thing I knew was that we were about to kiss. Liz's eyes dipped down to

about to kiss. Liz's eyes dipped down to my mouth, and I was done fighting it.

my mouth, and I was done fighting it. Need flamed up like sizzling oil on a

Need flamed up like sizzling oil on a dancing flame. Her fingertips tightened

dancing flame. Her fingertips tightened on my jaw as I lowered my mouth to hers.

on my jaw as I lowered my mouth to hers. But just as our lips touched, I

But just as our lips touched, I remembered she had a boyfriend. Why does

remembered she had a boyfriend. Why does she have to have a boyfriend? I wanted

she have to have a boyfriend? I wanted to ignore it so damn badly to put it out

to ignore it so damn badly to put it out of my head and slide into the only thing

of my head and slide into the only thing I'd ever needed. I wanted to forget that

I'd ever needed. I wanted to forget that everyone and everything existed except

everyone and everything existed except for my mouth and Liz Bucks bow.

for my mouth and Liz Bucks bow. Especially when those green eyes slid

Especially when those green eyes slid shut. Every molecule in my body buzzed

shut. Every molecule in my body buzzed and every cell came alive as I felt the

and every cell came alive as I felt the softness of her sigh and the offering of

softness of her sigh and the offering of her mouth. My entire existence roared to

her mouth. My entire existence roared to attention and wanted so damn badly.

attention and wanted so damn badly. "Dear Lord, it hurt to want that much."

"Dear Lord, it hurt to want that much." My heart was pounding in my chest as I

My heart was pounding in my chest as I forced myself not to be an [ __ ]

forced myself not to be an [ __ ] "Thank you, Lib," I whispered against

"Thank you, Lib," I whispered against her lips, selfishly dragging my teeth

her lips, selfishly dragging my teeth over her bottom lip for a split second

over her bottom lip for a split second before pulling back. I couldn't kiss

before pulling back. I couldn't kiss her. Not now. But I was too starved for

her. Not now. But I was too starved for a bite not to steal a sample. Her eyes

a bite not to steal a sample. Her eyes fluttered open, and the expectation in

fluttered open, and the expectation in her gaze was torture, so much that I had

her gaze was torture, so much that I had to close my eyes for a second if I was

to close my eyes for a second if I was going to be strong enough to resist

going to be strong enough to resist being a prick. 1 2 [clears throat]

being a prick. 1 2 [clears throat] 3. I dropped a barely there peck on her

3. I dropped a barely there peck on her lips, a soft brush that was more of a

lips, a soft brush that was more of a breath than a kiss. And it didn't make

breath than a kiss. And it didn't make sense the way I brought the tightness

sense the way I brought the tightness back to my throat and made something in

back to my throat and made something in my chest pinch so hard it burned.

my chest pinch so hard it burned. It wasn't even a kiss. Of course, she

It wasn't even a kiss. Of course, she whispered a tiny wrinkle on her forehead

whispered a tiny wrinkle on her forehead as she looked up at me. And damn it, I

as she looked up at me. And damn it, I could still feel the fullness of her

could still feel the fullness of her lower lip between my teeth. Missing her

lower lip between my teeth. Missing her was normal, like my default nowadays.

was normal, like my default nowadays. But the way I felt as I pushed the hair

But the way I felt as I pushed the hair away from her face and stared into her

away from her face and stared into her eyes was like missing her, but to the

eyes was like missing her, but to the nth degree. I don't deserve you. what

nth degree. I don't deserve you. what you did for me, I said, my fingers

you did for me, I said, my fingers sliding through her silky curls. After

sliding through her silky curls. After everything, I didn't do anything. Yes,

everything, I didn't do anything. Yes, you did, I said, watching my hands as

you did, I said, watching my hands as they slipped through her hair. I woke

they slipped through her hair. I woke you from a bad dream, she said in a near

you from a bad dream, she said in a near whisper, closing her eyes and leaning

whisper, closing her eyes and leaning into my touch, offering up her hair to

into my touch, offering up her hair to my hands. That's all, lib, I said. It

my hands. That's all, lib, I said. It was a lot more than that, was it? She

was a lot more than that, was it? She opened her eyes and a thousand

opened her eyes and a thousand butterflies went wild in my stomach

butterflies went wild in my stomach because the way she was looking at me.

because the way she was looking at me. God, it was just God, all I could ever

God, it was just God, all I could ever want in the world. But it disappeared in

want in the world. But it disappeared in an instant because I saw her remember. I

an instant because I saw her remember. I watched as she recalled my sins. She

watched as she recalled my sins. She jerked away from me and sat up straight,

jerked away from me and sat up straight, clearing her throat and sucking her hair

clearing her throat and sucking her hair behind her ears. Um, all the soft

behind her ears. Um, all the soft vulnerability left her face, replaced by

vulnerability left her face, replaced by a raised chin and a hard swallow. I

a raised chin and a hard swallow. I flexed my fingers, still feeling the

flexed my fingers, still feeling the tangle of her hair's softness wrapped

tangle of her hair's softness wrapped around them. And I sat up straighter,

around them. And I sat up straighter, too. I'm sorry about the whole nightmare

too. I'm sorry about the whole nightmare freak out. By the way,

freak out. By the way, u, she said, shaking her head but not

u, she said, shaking her head but not looking at me. I'm the one who let

looking at me. I'm the one who let myself in. I'd been so disoriented that

myself in. I'd been so disoriented that I hadn't even registered the logistics

I hadn't even registered the logistics of her presence. My eyes swept over her

of her presence. My eyes swept over her and I only just now realized that she

and I only just now realized that she was wearing pink flannel pajama pants

was wearing pink flannel pajama pants like she'd been roused from her bed.

like she'd been roused from her bed. Yeah. Uh why did you do that? I mean,

Yeah. Uh why did you do that? I mean, I'm glad you did because you dragged me

I'm glad you did because you dragged me out of a whopper of a nightmare.

out of a whopper of a nightmare. But did you need something?

But did you need something? Well, she said, shrugging like she was

Well, she said, shrugging like she was embarrassed. I guess I just wanted to

embarrassed. I guess I just wanted to make sure you weren't succumbing to

make sure you weren't succumbing to alcohol poisoning since you were

alcohol poisoning since you were drinking alone. So, she thinks I'm

drinking alone. So, she thinks I'm pathetic.

pathetic. Ah, I said, nodding. Pictured me

Ah, I said, nodding. Pictured me drowning in my own vomit, did you?

drowning in my own vomit, did you? Exactly, she agreed, also nodding. [ __ ]

Exactly, she agreed, also nodding. [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] I am a pathetic drunk loser.

[ __ ] [ __ ] I am a pathetic drunk loser. Perfect.

Perfect. Well, thanks for checking on me. I

Well, thanks for checking on me. I gritted my teeth, mortified that she

gritted my teeth, mortified that she witnessed my [ __ ] show. It was very

witnessed my [ __ ] show. It was very thoughtful. "Of course," she said,

thoughtful. "Of course," she said, climbing to her feet. "Are you going to

climbing to her feet. "Are you going to be okay now?" "I'm a little disappointed

be okay now?" "I'm a little disappointed by how sober I've become," I said,

by how sober I've become," I said, trying hard to sound casual. "But yes."

trying hard to sound casual. "But yes." "Okay, well then, I'm going to take

"Okay, well then, I'm going to take off," she said, nodding her head and

off," she said, nodding her head and keeping her eyes away from mine. I moved

keeping her eyes away from mine. I moved to Stan to walk her out, but she held up

to Stan to walk her out, but she held up a hand and said, "No need. I'll see you

a hand and said, "No need. I'll see you tomorrow." I watched from my spot on the

tomorrow." I watched from my spot on the floor as she left, taking those stairs

floor as she left, taking those stairs as quickly as she possibly could, and I

as quickly as she possibly could, and I felt it in my gut when the front door

felt it in my gut when the front door slammed behind her. "What the hell?" I

slammed behind her. "What the hell?" I said, the words echoing off the walls of

said, the words echoing off the walls of the empty living room. If it wasn't for

the empty living room. If it wasn't for the faint scent of her perfume and the

the faint scent of her perfume and the way I could still feel her bottom lip

way I could still feel her bottom lip between my teeth, I might think it just

between my teeth, I might think it just been a dream. But hell no, it wasn't a

been a dream. But hell no, it wasn't a dream. I climbed to my feet and went

dream. I climbed to my feet and went over to the window, the one with the

over to the window, the one with the perfect view of the Bucks Bomb house. It

perfect view of the Bucks Bomb house. It was dark over there, as if everyone was

was dark over there, as if everyone was sound asleep. But I knew she wasn't. She

sound asleep. But I knew she wasn't. She was probably towing off her shoes in the

was probably towing off her shoes in the dark entryway and petting Fitz, second

dark entryway and petting Fitz, second guessing her impulsive move to check on

guessing her impulsive move to check on me. I wonder if she's thinking about

me. I wonder if she's thinking about that almost kiss. She had to be, I

that almost kiss. She had to be, I thought, because that almost kiss

thought, because that almost kiss between us felt like so much more than

between us felt like so much more than so many full-on kisses between other

so many full-on kisses between other people. I'd barely been awake, but I

people. I'd barely been awake, but I could have been in a coma and it

could have been in a coma and it wouldn't have mattered. I didn't need to

wouldn't have mattered. I didn't need to be conscious to know that Liz's mouth

be conscious to know that Liz's mouth was underneath mine, a breath away, and

was underneath mine, a breath away, and her eyes were on my lips, like she'd

her eyes were on my lips, like she'd wanted me to kiss her. Want. What a

wanted me to kiss her. Want. What a ridiculous word. Because the want that I

ridiculous word. Because the want that I felt when she lifted her lips to me like

felt when she lifted her lips to me like an offering was so much greater than

an offering was so much greater than four pathetic letters. I mean, people

four pathetic letters. I mean, people wanted things like coffee and new cars,

wanted things like coffee and new cars, right? How could the same word be used

right? How could the same word be used for what I felt when she looked at my

for what I felt when she looked at my mouth? It couldn't. The English language

mouth? It couldn't. The English language had yet to create a word that could

had yet to create a word that could capture my level of frenzied, desperate

capture my level of frenzied, desperate need. The feel of her full lower lip

need. The feel of her full lower lip between my teeth was like like holding a

between my teeth was like like holding a freshly grilled steak up to the mouth of

freshly grilled steak up to the mouth of a starving man. Okay, shitty analogy,

a starving man. Okay, shitty analogy, but I swear to God that every one of my

but I swear to God that every one of my fingers clenched, every muscle in my

fingers clenched, every muscle in my body trembled, and every instinct in my

body trembled, and every instinct in my being reared up and wanted to feast.

being reared up and wanted to feast. God, the way I want everything with her.

God, the way I want everything with her. Liz's bedroom light flipped on as I

Liz's bedroom light flipped on as I looked out the window, and I imagined

looked out the window, and I imagined her climbing into bed and pulling up the

her climbing into bed and pulling up the covers. Good night, Lib. I sighed,

covers. Good night, Lib. I sighed, regretting my decision to be a decent

regretting my decision to be a decent human because I was a starving man when

human because I was a starving man when it came to her, which made me an idiot

it came to her, which made me an idiot for not filling up when I had the

for not filling up when I had the chance, right? I sat there lost in want

chance, right? I sat there lost in want and regret until I finally saw her room

and regret until I finally saw her room go dark. Then I drove myself crazy in a

go dark. Then I drove myself crazy in a multitude of ways. I paced the main

multitude of ways. I paced the main level of the house, continuing to

level of the house, continuing to torture myself by replaying the almost

torture myself by replaying the almost kiss and the way she looked at me in

kiss and the way she looked at me in that moment. Dear God, the way she

that moment. Dear God, the way she looked at me. I did push-ups as I

looked at me. I did push-ups as I revisited my half-sober recollection of

revisited my half-sober recollection of my freak out over and over again. And

my freak out over and over again. And then I lay on the kitchen floor as I

then I lay on the kitchen floor as I tried to figure out what exactly I told

tried to figure out what exactly I told her about my guilt regarding my father

her about my guilt regarding my father because the alcohol and exhaustion were

because the alcohol and exhaustion were really messing with my recall. I was

really messing with my recall. I was pretty sure I'd only alluded to my

pretty sure I'd only alluded to my culpability falling short of actually

culpability falling short of actually confessing the details. Which, thank

confessing the details. Which, thank God, because if she'd looked at me like

God, because if she'd looked at me like I was a pathetic loser from my drunk

I was a pathetic loser from my drunk freak out, I could only imagine how she

freak out, I could only imagine how she would have looked at me if she

would have looked at me if she discovered I'd been a monster to my dad

discovered I'd been a monster to my dad on top of everything else.

on top of everything else. I wasn't sure how I was going to get her

I wasn't sure how I was going to get her to forget about the mess I'd been. But

to forget about the mess I'd been. But I'd find a way just as soon as we were

I'd find a way just as soon as we were back in LA. I had to because I was going

back in LA. I had to because I was going to die from this want if I didn't get

to die from this want if I didn't get her back soon.

her back soon. I was happy to see the sun come up a few

I was happy to see the sun come up a few hours later. And after showering and

hours later. And after showering and packing up all my stuff, so the place

packing up all my stuff, so the place was ready for the new owners, I texted

was ready for the new owners, I texted Sarah. What time are you coming over?

Sarah. What time are you coming over? Sarah, mom and I are on the way. That

Sarah, mom and I are on the way. That wasn't what I expected. I looked out the

wasn't what I expected. I looked out the window at the place next door and

window at the place next door and texted, "She wants to come to the

texted, "She wants to come to the house." Because even though therapy had

house." Because even though therapy had helped my mom get okay enough to return

helped my mom get okay enough to return home for my sister's sake, she'd always

home for my sister's sake, she'd always hated the house after my dad died.

hated the house after my dad died. Sarah, she wants to take pictures of the

Sarah, she wants to take pictures of the house. That made me smile in spite of

house. That made me smile in spite of everything else because I'd really come

everything else because I'd really come to appreciate my weird new mom. It was

to appreciate my weird new mom. It was bizarre how much she changed. She was

bizarre how much she changed. She was just mom for my first 18 years. The

just mom for my first 18 years. The woman who made dinner, put band-aids on

woman who made dinner, put band-aids on my scrapes, and kissed me good night

my scrapes, and kissed me good night after the sun went down. But when my dad

after the sun went down. But when my dad died, she disappeared.

died, she disappeared. She became this unreachable person, a

She became this unreachable person, a shell of the mother I'd grown up with.

shell of the mother I'd grown up with. If she wasn't crying, she pretty much

If she wasn't crying, she pretty much wasn't doing anything at all.

wasn't doing anything at all. Part of me had hated her at the time,

Part of me had hated her at the time, even though I felt like a jerk for

even though I felt like a jerk for thinking that, because her PTSD had

thinking that, because her PTSD had forced me to take on a role I'd never

forced me to take on a role I'd never wanted. But now, she was like an

wanted. But now, she was like an entirely different version of herself.

entirely different version of herself. She was funny, self-deprecating about

She was funny, self-deprecating about her issues, and the woman who'd once

her issues, and the woman who'd once been relatively private was now the most

been relatively private was now the most open book anyone had ever met. It was

open book anyone had ever met. It was annoying a lot of the [clears throat]

annoying a lot of the [clears throat] time to be honest, the way she'd tell

time to be honest, the way she'd tell anyone anything, but I take it because

anyone anything, but I take it because she was alive again. Hearing her laugh

she was alive again. Hearing her laugh again was something I'd never grow tired

again was something I'd never grow tired of. Although, I was really secondguing

of. Although, I was really secondguing that sentiment an hour later because as

that sentiment an hour later because as Lilith, Clark, and Liz did their thing,

Lilith, Clark, and Liz did their thing, hauling equipment around the house while

hauling equipment around the house while randomly asking me baseball questions

randomly asking me baseball questions that didn't involve my dad's death,

that didn't involve my dad's death, thank God. My mom kept filling them in

thank God. My mom kept filling them in on information no one needed to know.

on information no one needed to know. "So, this is where it started, huh?"

"So, this is where it started, huh?" Clark asked, throwing the baseball to me

Clark asked, throwing the baseball to me while Lilith filmed. "Wow, Clark, such

while Lilith filmed. "Wow, Clark, such hard-hitting questions," Sarah quipped

hard-hitting questions," Sarah quipped from where she was sitting on the

from where she was sitting on the railing of the deck watching. "Yeah, she

railing of the deck watching. "Yeah, she is definitely team Wes and being a

is definitely team Wes and being a little brat," I thought as I squeezed

little brat," I thought as I squeezed the ball in my glove. Listen, Tiny

the ball in my glove. Listen, Tiny Bennett. When I want your feedback, I

Bennett. When I want your feedback, I will ask for it," he said, grinning like

will ask for it," he said, grinning like he'd been waiting all morning for her to

he'd been waiting all morning for her to mess with him. We were playing catch in

mess with him. We were playing catch in the backyard, and it was totally cheesy.

the backyard, and it was totally cheesy. But I was always more comfortable when

But I was always more comfortable when the ball was in my hand, so I was okay

the ball was in my hand, so I was okay with it. I threw him the ball, and as he

with it. I threw him the ball, and as he caught it, he asked, "Is this where your

caught it, he asked, "Is this where your dad taught you to throw a baseball?"

dad taught you to throw a baseball?" "Ah, another one?" Sarah [clears throat]

"Ah, another one?" Sarah [clears throat] muttered. I guess it is, I replied, very

muttered. I guess it is, I replied, very aware of Liz as she recorded us with a

aware of Liz as she recorded us with a smaller camera. We used to spend hours

smaller camera. We used to spend hours back here when I was in Little League.

back here when I was in Little League. Did your sister shag balls to help?

Did your sister shag balls to help? Clark asked, throwing. Or just deliver

Clark asked, throwing. Or just deliver smartass comments like some kind of

smartass comments like some kind of stock side character from a Disney show.

stock side character from a Disney show. Wow, Sarah yelled, laughing. Did you

Wow, Sarah yelled, laughing. Did you just call me a Disney character? All

just call me a Disney character? All Zuri, no Jesse, he said. which was a

Zuri, no Jesse, he said. which was a reference I didn't even get, but

reference I didn't even get, but apparently my sister did because she

apparently my sister did because she pointed at him and said, "Zuri was a

pointed at him and said, "Zuri was a little badass, so thank you." He glanced

little badass, so thank you." He glanced over at her, shaking his head. "Can you

over at her, shaking his head. "Can you zip it so I can ask a few questions?"

zip it so I can ask a few questions?" "I'll zip it," she said. "But I'm not

"I'll zip it," she said. "But I'm not sure you can actually ask any decent

sure you can actually ask any decent questions." "Sarah isn't good at quiet,"

questions." "Sarah isn't good at quiet," my mom said. Her fourth grade teacher

my mom said. Her fourth grade teacher moved her desk into the hallway because

moved her desk into the hallway because she wouldn't shut up. So on brand for

she wouldn't shut up. So on brand for our Missouri, Clark said, grinning. Then

our Missouri, Clark said, grinning. Then he asked me. So Liz was next door when

he asked me. So Liz was next door when you were playing catchback here with

you were playing catchback here with your dad. That's so funny to me. Those

your dad. That's so funny to me. Those two used to hate each other. My mom said

two used to hate each other. My mom said sounding happy as she leaned against the

sounding happy as she leaned against the fence and explained. Liz was this quiet

fence and explained. Liz was this quiet little thing who was easily ruffled. And

little thing who was easily ruffled. And Wesy's favorite thing in the world was

Wesy's favorite thing in the world was to ruffle anyone and everyone. I glanced

to ruffle anyone and everyone. I glanced at Liz, who met my gaze for a second

at Liz, who met my gaze for a second before quickly looking down at her

before quickly looking down at her camera. She'd pretty much pretended I

camera. She'd pretty much pretended I didn't exist since they showed up on my

didn't exist since they showed up on my doorstep, keeping her eyes on everything

doorstep, keeping her eyes on everything but me. Tension hung between us, the

but me. Tension hung between us, the color of her cheeks telling me she

color of her cheeks telling me she remembered every little thing that had

remembered every little thing that had transpired mere hours before. And I

transpired mere hours before. And I couldn't stop staring at her lips.

couldn't stop staring at her lips. so close. She used to get so irritated

so close. She used to get so irritated when Aaron throws interrupted her

when Aaron throws interrupted her playtime. I said calmly like I wasn't

playtime. I said calmly like I wasn't totally struggling to focus on

totally struggling to focus on conversation while being hyper aware of

conversation while being hyper aware of Liz's every movement. No, I got

Liz's every movement. No, I got irritated when my obnoxious neighbor

irritated when my obnoxious neighbor jumped the fence and harassed me. She

jumped the fence and harassed me. She was filming her attention on the camera,

was filming her attention on the camera, but her tiny smile was mine when she

but her tiny smile was mine when she added. "He might seem nice now, but

added. "He might seem nice now, but Bennett was a menace." "Fucking yes.

Bennett was a menace." "Fucking yes. Tease me, Bucks bomb." "Okay, so I think

Tease me, Bucks bomb." "Okay, so I think I've got everything I wanted from the

I've got everything I wanted from the house," Lilith said to Liz, lowering her

house," Lilith said to Liz, lowering her camera. "The living room, uh Wes's

camera. "The living room, uh Wes's bedroom, and the backyard where he

bedroom, and the backyard where he learned to play catch. Can you think of

learned to play catch. Can you think of anything else we should get here?" It

anything else we should get here?" It was obvious Lilith valued Liz's opinion,

was obvious Lilith valued Liz's opinion, and I could tell by the brightness in

and I could tell by the brightness in her eyes that it made Liz happy. "Um, I

her eyes that it made Liz happy. "Um, I think we're good," she said, lowering

think we're good," she said, lowering the camera. "Excellent."

the camera. "Excellent." Lilith looked satisfied with that and

Lilith looked satisfied with that and went back inside with Sarah and my mom

went back inside with Sarah and my mom following. So, I seized the moment

following. So, I seized the moment before it was gone. "Can I talk to you

before it was gone. "Can I talk to you for a quick second, Liz?" I blurted, not

for a quick second, Liz?" I blurted, not exactly sure what I was going to say to

exactly sure what I was going to say to be honest, but needing to clear the air.

be honest, but needing to clear the air. It's about uh someone we went to high

It's about uh someone we went to high school with. Her eyebrows furrowed

school with. Her eyebrows furrowed together. Who?

together. Who? Who?

Who? Uh I glanced toward Clark, who didn't

Uh I glanced toward Clark, who didn't seem to be listening, and said, "Dean

seem to be listening, and said, "Dean Forester."

Forester." Yeah, that only made those eyebrows

Yeah, that only made those eyebrows scrumps together even harder. Dean

scrumps together even harder. Dean Forester.

Forester. I don't know if Clark heard or not, but

I don't know if Clark heard or not, but he walked over to the patio and started

he walked over to the patio and started packing up his equipment, his back to

packing up his equipment, his back to us. Okay. Uh, it's maybe not about Dean,

us. Okay. Uh, it's maybe not about Dean, I said, stepping a little closer to her

I said, stepping a little closer to her and lowering my voice. You don't say,

and lowering my voice. You don't say, she murmured, giving me a duh look. I

she murmured, giving me a duh look. I just want to apologize for last night. I

just want to apologize for last night. I drank too much and was a mess, I said

drank too much and was a mess, I said quietly, rubbing the spot over my right

quietly, rubbing the spot over my right eye where a headache was raging. You

eye where a headache was raging. You were really cool when you didn't have to

were really cool when you didn't have to be. It's fine. Her eyes traveled all

be. It's fine. Her eyes traveled all over my face. She swallowed, bit down on

over my face. She swallowed, bit down on her bottom lip before saying, "I'm glad

her bottom lip before saying, "I'm glad you weren't alone."

you weren't alone." My eyes got stuck on her mouth as my

My eyes got stuck on her mouth as my brain delivered instant replay, bringing

brain delivered instant replay, bringing back the hot slide of that full lip

back the hot slide of that full lip between my teeth for review. So close.

between my teeth for review. So close. That was apparently my dismissal as she

That was apparently my dismissal as she turned her attention to her camera. God,

turned her attention to her camera. God, she's so pretty. I knew she had to be

she's so pretty. I knew she had to be exhausted after taking care of me in the

exhausted after taking care of me in the middle of the night. But those green

middle of the night. But those green eyes were clear, her cheeks pink under a

eyes were clear, her cheeks pink under a few escape tendrils from her ponytail as

few escape tendrils from her ponytail as she started breaking down her equipment.

she started breaking down her equipment. She was wearing a fisherman sweater with

She was wearing a fisherman sweater with a brown skirt. And the thick socks she

a brown skirt. And the thick socks she wore with her docks did amazing things

wore with her docks did amazing things for her legs. Holy crap, those legs,

for her legs. Holy crap, those legs, dude. Huh? I looked at Clark and he was

dude. Huh? I looked at Clark and he was watching me watch Liz.

watching me watch Liz. [ __ ] I could tell by the expression on

[ __ ] I could tell by the expression on his face that he'd seen it, that he knew

his face that he'd seen it, that he knew I was learing at his girlfriend. He

I was learing at his girlfriend. He didn't look mad, though. His eyes were a

didn't look mad, though. His eyes were a little narrowed, like he was processing,

little narrowed, like he was processing, but he seemed relaxed when he said,

but he seemed relaxed when he said, "Thanks again for being cool about us

"Thanks again for being cool about us being here." "I am such an asshole."

being here." "I am such an asshole." "Yeah," I said, focusing on not

"Yeah," I said, focusing on not following Liz with my eyes. "Of course.

following Liz with my eyes. "Of course. So, we're going to let you go to the

So, we're going to let you go to the closing, and you're still cool with

closing, and you're still cool with meeting at Emerson Field in a couple

meeting at Emerson Field in a couple hours? For sure, I said, feeling guilty

hours? For sure, I said, feeling guilty for thinking about his girlfriend 23.95

for thinking about his girlfriend 23.95 hours a day. Great, he said, his face

hours a day. Great, he said, his face being swallowed by his huge grin.

being swallowed by his huge grin. Thanks, man. Everyone left then. My mom

Thanks, man. Everyone left then. My mom and Sarah were meeting me at the bank,

and Sarah were meeting me at the bank, and the second I shut the door behind

and the second I shut the door behind them, the finality of everything reared

them, the finality of everything reared its ugly head. I wandered through the

its ugly head. I wandered through the rooms of the house, my footsteps loud on

rooms of the house, my footsteps loud on hollow laminate flooring as a million

hollow laminate flooring as a million memories from my childhood flooded my

memories from my childhood flooded my brain. It was a strange mashup, the

brain. It was a strange mashup, the combination of childhood nostalgia and

combination of childhood nostalgia and traumatic grief. I could close my eyes

traumatic grief. I could close my eyes and smell my mom's spaghetti sauce, the

and smell my mom's spaghetti sauce, the one that used to cook for 6 hours on the

one that used to cook for 6 hours on the Sunday stove. But I could also look at

Sunday stove. But I could also look at that same stove and remember the night I

that same stove and remember the night I set off the smoke alarms, attempting to

set off the smoke alarms, attempting to make pork chops for Sarah a few days

make pork chops for Sarah a few days after coming home for the funeral. I

after coming home for the funeral. I straightened and grabbed my backpack

straightened and grabbed my backpack from the counter. There was no reason

from the counter. There was no reason for me to stay any longer. Sarah was

for me to stay any longer. Sarah was right. The bad memories were too bad and

right. The bad memories were too bad and only managed to stay in what remained of

only managed to stay in what remained of the good. I needed to drive away from

the good. I needed to drive away from Teal Street and never look back. But as

Teal Street and never look back. But as I unlocked the rental car, I did. I

I unlocked the rental car, I did. I looked back at the house one final time.

looked back at the house one final time. Only this time, I remembered the note

Only this time, I remembered the note Liz left on the porch for me after prom.

Liz left on the porch for me after prom. I could still picture it after all these

I could still picture it after all these days. And I could still feel the hope

days. And I could still feel the hope that had settled into my body when I

that had settled into my body when I realized she'd been waiting for me in

realized she'd been waiting for me in the secret area, that she'd made that CD

the secret area, that she'd made that CD for me.

for me. Thank God that memory isn't stained, I

Thank God that memory isn't stained, I thought. And then I got in the car and

thought. And then I got in the car and drove away from my childhood.

drove away from my childhood. But not before taking a moment to pull

But not before taking a moment to pull into the spot one final time.

Chapter 28. I would have stayed for 2,000. I would

I would have stayed for 2,000. I would have paid for Pretty Woman.

have paid for Pretty Woman. Liz.

Okay, here's the plan. Sarah put her hands on her hips as we exited Emerson

hands on her hips as we exited Emerson Field and announced Clark is going to

Field and announced Clark is going to ride with me and Mom. Wes is going to

ride with me and Mom. Wes is going to ride with Michael and Liz is going to

ride with Michael and Liz is going to take Lilith and the equipment back to

take Lilith and the equipment back to the hotel and then meet us at Nicholas.

the hotel and then meet us at Nicholas. Michael had shown up at Emerson while we

Michael had shown up at Emerson while we filmed, which thrilled Lilith because it

filmed, which thrilled Lilith because it gave her more interview content to play

gave her more interview content to play with as he and Wes reminisced. And by

with as he and Wes reminisced. And by the time we were done, Michael had

the time we were done, Michael had organized an impromptu dinner meet up

organized an impromptu dinner meet up with some of Wes's friends, the ones

with some of Wes's friends, the ones who'd stayed local for college.

who'd stayed local for college. I was over the moon excited to see

I was over the moon excited to see everyone because it had been way too

everyone because it had been way too long.

long. So freaking bossy, Clark said, looking

So freaking bossy, Clark said, looking at Wes's sister like he'd never met

at Wes's sister like he'd never met anyone like her, which was fair for

anyone like her, which was fair for sure.

sure. So freaking boss, you mean? she said,

So freaking boss, you mean? she said, then laughed when he groaned at how lame

then laughed when he groaned at how lame it was. "Go dump your gear in the van

it was. "Go dump your gear in the van before we leave without you." "Oh, we

before we leave without you." "Oh, we won't leave," Wes's mom said. "She's

won't leave," Wes's mom said. "She's just being a snot."

just being a snot." "She's good at that, isn't she? She was

"She's good at that, isn't she? She was born that way." "Why are you assigning

born that way." "Why are you assigning carpools exactly?" Wes said, but I

carpools exactly?" Wes said, but I didn't look at him because I couldn't.

didn't look at him because I couldn't. Meeting his eyes was beyond difficult

Meeting his eyes was beyond difficult after last night. I can still feel him

after last night. I can still feel him kissing away my tears.

kissing away my tears. I'd lost my mind, swept up in the moment

I'd lost my mind, swept up in the moment of trying to help an old friend. And I'd

of trying to help an old friend. And I'd almost kissed him. It was fine because

almost kissed him. It was fine because it was simply the product of exhaustion

it was simply the product of exhaustion and emotion. But I didn't want to look

and emotion. But I didn't want to look in his eyes and see that he thought it

in his eyes and see that he thought it was more. that he'd seen how much I'd

was more. that he'd seen how much I'd wanted in that vulnerable moment for him

wanted in that vulnerable moment for him to kiss me.

to kiss me. "Because she's clearly a leader," Lilith

"Because she's clearly a leader," Lilith said, smiling as she looked down at her

said, smiling as she looked down at her phone. "She's clearly something," Clark

phone. "She's clearly something," Clark replied. "But I'm too hungry to debate.

replied. "But I'm too hungry to debate. Let's go."

Let's go." Clark, Lilith, and I were walking across

Clark, Lilith, and I were walking across the parking lot, and the second Lilith

the parking lot, and the second Lilith answered a call, Clark said to me, "He's

answered a call, Clark said to me, "He's not over you." "What?"

not over you." "What?" My head whipped around to gawk at him.

My head whipped around to gawk at him. And then I glanced to see if Lilith was

And then I glanced to see if Lilith was listening. She wasn't, thank God.

listening. She wasn't, thank God. "Who?" I asked, even though I knew damn

"Who?" I asked, even though I knew damn well what he was saying. "You know damn

well what he was saying. "You know damn well who," he said quietly.

well who," he said quietly. his gaze spearing me with total

his gaze spearing me with total accusation as we approached the minivan.

accusation as we approached the minivan. I know what you told me, but it's

I know what you told me, but it's obvious there's unresolved stuff between

obvious there's unresolved stuff between you two. The dude looks at you like he

you two. The dude looks at you like he knows he's going blind in an hour and

knows he's going blind in an hour and he's trying to memorize every detail of

he's trying to memorize every detail of your face.

your face. My stomach flipped and I remembered the

My stomach flipped and I remembered the way he'd looked at me on the floor of

way he'd looked at me on the floor of his living room.

his living room. No, I wasn't going to revisit it. It was

No, I wasn't going to revisit it. It was all about grief and had nothing to do

all about grief and had nothing to do with other emotions.

with other emotions. Nothing.

Nothing. I calmly said, "He does not. He does,

I calmly said, "He does not. He does, and it makes me feel like trash."

and it makes me feel like trash." I darted a glance at Lilith, who was

I darted a glance at Lilith, who was nodding her head and looking in the

nodding her head and looking in the other direction as she listened to the

other direction as she listened to the caller.

caller. "There are thick undertones when you two

"There are thick undertones when you two are together," he insisted, looking a

are together," he insisted, looking a little mad at me.

little mad at me. His barely visible blonde eyebrows were

His barely visible blonde eyebrows were furrowed when he said, "And I don't like

furrowed when he said, "And I don't like the way our dating line makes me feel."

the way our dating line makes me feel." "How does it make you feel?" I asked,

"How does it make you feel?" I asked, hitting the button on the remote that

hitting the button on the remote that opened the back of the minivan.

opened the back of the minivan. He glanced over his shoulder like he was

He glanced over his shoulder like he was making sure no one else was close enough

making sure no one else was close enough to hear. "Like I'm hurting Bennett," he

to hear. "Like I'm hurting Bennett," he said. Then he pointed at me and said,

said. Then he pointed at me and said, "And don't be flip about how sentimental

"And don't be flip about how sentimental I am. I think he's into you, which means

I am. I think he's into you, which means our lie is probably causing him pain."

our lie is probably causing him pain." "But we haven't even faked dated very

"But we haven't even faked dated very much." "Not really," I said defensively,

much." "Not really," I said defensively, because it was totally true. "I doubt he

because it was totally true. "I doubt he even remembers I said that." "Oh, he

even remembers I said that." "Oh, he remembers," he insisted. And it appeared

remembers," he insisted. And it appeared Lilith was ending her call. Clark looked

Lilith was ending her call. Clark looked guilt-stricken when he muttered.

guilt-stricken when he muttered. I can see it in his eyes when he talks

I can see it in his eyes when he talks to me.

to me. >> Hey, Gigantor.

>> Hey, Gigantor. Sarah pulled up with her mom, honking

Sarah pulled up with her mom, honking the horn. Cut the chatter and get in.

the horn. Cut the chatter and get in. Look, it's my ride, he said to us, his

Look, it's my ride, he said to us, his mouth curving into a big smile as he

mouth curving into a big smile as he dumped his equipment in the back of the

dumped his equipment in the back of the van. Have a good time in your room, Liil

van. Have a good time in your room, Liil and Liz. I'll see you at the meatballs.

and Liz. I'll see you at the meatballs. I was torn between wanting to roll my

I was torn between wanting to roll my eyes and laugh out loud when he climbed

eyes and laugh out loud when he climbed into the back of the car and Sarah took

into the back of the car and Sarah took off. His door was barely closed before

off. His door was barely closed before she stomped on the gas and he let out a

she stomped on the gas and he let out a howl. "That's obviously the fun car,"

howl. "That's obviously the fun car," Lilith said, loading her equipment in

Lilith said, loading her equipment in the back and closing the door.

the back and closing the door. "Right."

"Right." Lilith and I talked about the footage we

Lilith and I talked about the footage we had grabbed the entire way to her hotel,

had grabbed the entire way to her hotel, and it was obvious she was excited about

and it was obvious she was excited about the content. I was, too. Everyone had

the content. I was, too. Everyone had been incredibly generous. But as excited

been incredibly generous. But as excited as I was, it felt like a relief to drop

as I was, it felt like a relief to drop her off and to not think about it

her off and to not think about it anymore

anymore because I wanted to focus on seeing old

because I wanted to focus on seeing old friends and enjoying my last night at

friends and enjoying my last night at home before going back.

home before going back. Wes would be there, too, but I wasn't

Wes would be there, too, but I wasn't going to let the night be about him.

going to let the night be about him. After I dropped her off, I parked at a

After I dropped her off, I parked at a meter spot in the old market and walked

meter spot in the old market and walked to the Italian restaurant. I heard

to the Italian restaurant. I heard Noah's loud voice before I even got to

Noah's loud voice before I even got to the corner. He was yelling something

the corner. He was yelling something about Louisville football. Of course, it

about Louisville football. Of course, it was impossible not to smile as I

was impossible not to smile as I strolled down Jackson Street. The crisp

strolled down Jackson Street. The crisp autumn evening providing the perfect

autumn evening providing the perfect backdrop for a long overdue reunion.

backdrop for a long overdue reunion. Nicholas had an amazing outdoor dining

Nicholas had an amazing outdoor dining area with strings of lights illuminating

area with strings of lights illuminating the corner patio. And when I got close

the corner patio. And when I got close to 13th Street, there they were.

to 13th Street, there they were. Gathered around the biggest table out

Gathered around the biggest table out there were my old friends. And it was

there were my old friends. And it was like a snapshot of the before. My brain

like a snapshot of the before. My brain grabbed the chorus of old days and

grabbed the chorus of old days and wrapped it around the moment.

wrapped it around the moment. Wes was leaning back in his chair,

Wes was leaning back in his chair, laughing with Noah about something Gigi,

laughing with Noah about something Gigi, the restaurant owner's daughter, was

the restaurant owner's daughter, was saying to them, and I was happy to see

saying to them, and I was happy to see they were still close. Noah was the

they were still close. Noah was the biggest smartass I'd ever met, the kind

biggest smartass I'd ever met, the kind of person who would debate virtually

of person who would debate virtually anything until he was proclaimed the

anything until he was proclaimed the winner. And I'd missed his sarcastic

winner. And I'd missed his sarcastic grin.

grin. No matter how I felt about Wes, I was

No matter how I felt about Wes, I was glad he still had Noah in his corner.

glad he still had Noah in his corner. Michael, my former crush, was holding

Michael, my former crush, was holding out his phone while Jos, my high school

out his phone while Jos, my high school bestie, stood behind him and watched

bestie, stood behind him and watched over his shoulder. And Wes's cousin

over his shoulder. And Wes's cousin Charlie was drawing something on a

Charlie was drawing something on a napkin that was making his girlfriend

napkin that was making his girlfriend Bailey fullon belly laugh.

Bailey fullon belly laugh. I miss the us from the old days.

I miss the us from the old days. Lizard.

Lizard. Clark was sitting at a smaller table

Clark was sitting at a smaller table with Sarah, and he raised his hand so

with Sarah, and he raised his hand so I'd see him. His booming voice made

I'd see him. His booming voice made everyone look in my direction.

everyone look in my direction. Holy [ __ ] you finally came home.

Holy [ __ ] you finally came home. Joss yelled when she saw me, then ran

Joss yelled when she saw me, then ran over and threw her arms around me. I was

over and threw her arms around me. I was overwhelmed by how much I'd missed my

overwhelmed by how much I'd missed my friend, and we were both a little

friend, and we were both a little tearary when we finally pulled apart.

tearary when we finally pulled apart. She wiped her eyes and said, "I hate LA

She wiped her eyes and said, "I hate LA for stealing you from us. Come sit by

for stealing you from us. Come sit by me." I followed her to the table. "But

me." I followed her to the table. "But now you have more time to devote to

now you have more time to devote to Noah." "Yeah, thanks for that, Boxbomb,"

Noah." "Yeah, thanks for that, Boxbomb," he muttered. But his eyes were all over,

he muttered. But his eyes were all over, Joss. They were one of those couples

Joss. They were one of those couples whose love language was sarcastic

whose love language was sarcastic roasting. I swear to God.

roasting. I swear to God. "Why are you over there?" I said to

"Why are you over there?" I said to Sarah and Clark, even though they were

Sarah and Clark, even though they were so close, they were basically within

so close, they were basically within touching range. because I didn't want to

touching range. because I didn't want to sit with my brother's stupid friends, so

sit with my brother's stupid friends, so I borrowed your boy toy for company."

I borrowed your boy toy for company." Clark was looking at her face as she

Clark was looking at her face as she spoke, and he looked a little

spoke, and he looked a little interested.

interested. Interesting.

Interesting. Cool.

Cool. I sat down between Jos and Michael, and

I sat down between Jos and Michael, and I could feel Wes watching.

I could feel Wes watching. I didn't look in his direction, but I

I didn't look in his direction, but I knew.

knew. This is the best Italian in the city, I

This is the best Italian in the city, I said to Clark, trying my hardest to act

said to Clark, trying my hardest to act unaffected when I knew that absurdly

unaffected when I knew that absurdly longlashed brown eyes were on me. "So,

longlashed brown eyes were on me. "So, choose your dinner carefully." "I always

choose your dinner carefully." "I always choose my dinner carefully," he replied,

choose my dinner carefully," he replied, looking at the menu.

looking at the menu. I felt awkward for the first 5 minutes

I felt awkward for the first 5 minutes when I ran through all the what are you

when I ran through all the what are you up to questions with my former friends,

up to questions with my former friends, but then it was like we'd never been

but then it was like we'd never been apart. I mean, it was different being

apart. I mean, it was different being with them when I wasn't with Wes. I

with them when I wasn't with Wes. I connected with most of them because of

connected with most of them because of him. But time and good food had a way of

him. But time and good food had a way of mellowing everything.

mellowing everything. Dinner was great. Even though Clark

Dinner was great. Even though Clark turned on his camera and recorded the

turned on his camera and recorded the casual hangout, it felt like a

casual hangout, it felt like a comfortable old cardigan, warm and

comfortable old cardigan, warm and soothing and something I'd needed for a

soothing and something I'd needed for a long time.

long time. Clark asked a few interview questions

Clark asked a few interview questions while he inhaled porttoello ravioli, but

while he inhaled porttoello ravioli, but they were so braided into the friendly

they were so braided into the friendly meal that we barely noticed them. Even

meal that we barely noticed them. Even when he mentioned Mr. Bennett's passing.

when he mentioned Mr. Bennett's passing. It felt like old friends recalling their

It felt like old friends recalling their memories as opposed to a formal

memories as opposed to a formal interview.

interview. "Remember how he never got my name

"Remember how he never got my name right?" Noah said, grinning at Wes as he

right?" Noah said, grinning at Wes as he shoved a meatball into his mouth. "The

shoved a meatball into his mouth. "The man called me Isaac for half my life."

man called me Isaac for half my life." "Well, they were both biblical names,"

"Well, they were both biblical names," Wes said, laughing. "Almost the same.

Wes said, laughing. "Almost the same. Can you blame the man?" Yes, Noah loudly

Can you blame the man?" Yes, Noah loudly insisted. Because we became friends in

insisted. Because we became friends in the third grade. I'm pretty sure Stu was

the third grade. I'm pretty sure Stu was just messing with me. Oh, for sure he

just messing with me. Oh, for sure he was. Wes agreed. Then he added, "He

was. Wes agreed. Then he added, "He thought you were a smartass little

thought you were a smartass little shit."

shit." Which made Jos say he wasn't wrong about

Which made Jos say he wasn't wrong about that, Isaac.

that, Isaac. Everything was perfect

Everything was perfect until the lemon cake, which for the

until the lemon cake, which for the record was always perfect. But I just

record was always perfect. But I just shoveled a huge bite of delicious cake

shoveled a huge bite of delicious cake into my mouth when Clark asked Jos and

into my mouth when Clark asked Jos and Noah. So, did you guys check on Wes a

Noah. So, did you guys check on Wes a lot after he quit school since your

lot after he quit school since your college is so close?

college is so close? They went to UNL, which was an hour

They went to UNL, which was an hour away.

away. I did, Noah said. But Joss was so pissed

I did, Noah said. But Joss was so pissed at him about New Year's that she

at him about New Year's that she wouldn't even let me say his name. "Oh

wouldn't even let me say his name. "Oh god." The cake turned to cement in my

god." The cake turned to cement in my mouth as I heard them talking like it

mouth as I heard them talking like it was in slow motion.

was in slow motion. "It's true," Jaws said, throwing me a

"It's true," Jaws said, throwing me a wink. "He was dead to me." "Shut up.

wink. "He was dead to me." "Shut up. Shut up. Shut up," I thought, wanting to

Shut up. Shut up," I thought, wanting to disappear, wanting everyone to stop

disappear, wanting everyone to stop talking.

talking. I felt queasy as panic shot through me

I felt queasy as panic shot through me as I dreaded every possible word that

as I dreaded every possible word that was about to be spoken. We were having a

was about to be spoken. We were having a fabulous time. Why the hell did we have

fabulous time. Why the hell did we have to go back to this? Why the hell did it

to go back to this? Why the hell did it always go back to this?

always go back to this? Wes was on the other side of the table

Wes was on the other side of the table and my cheeks burned at the thought of

and my cheeks burned at the thought of looking at him. I reached for my water

looking at him. I reached for my water because I didn't know what else to do.

because I didn't know what else to do. What happened on New Year's? Clark

What happened on New Year's? Clark asked, sounding amused, like he expected

asked, sounding amused, like he expected a funny story.

a funny story. Everyone slept late, the end, Sarah

Everyone slept late, the end, Sarah said. And I did look at her. We

said. And I did look at her. We exchanged a knowing gaze, H remembering

exchanged a knowing gaze, H remembering that morning, and I felt a little

that morning, and I felt a little lightheaded

lightheaded and queasier.

and queasier. "Oh, come on," Clark said, his instincts

"Oh, come on," Clark said, his instincts just as bad as ever. I need to hear this

just as bad as ever. I need to hear this story.

story. Nothing happened, Wes said, a warning in

Nothing happened, Wes said, a warning in his voice. I got drunk and acted like a

his voice. I got drunk and acted like a jackass.

jackass. Is that what we're calling cheating now?

Is that what we're calling cheating now? Jos said, and it was clear that she

Jos said, and it was clear that she still hadn't forgiven him either.

still hadn't forgiven him either. That seems like Joss, I interrupted.

That seems like Joss, I interrupted. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Desperate for

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Desperate for a subject change.

a subject change. Let's not. Let's just pretend he's not

Let's not. Let's just pretend he's not the reason you stayed away for years. Oh

the reason you stayed away for years. Oh my god, I bit out, my heart racing as I

my god, I bit out, my heart racing as I refused to look at Clark or was. I felt

refused to look at Clark or was. I felt embarrassed and angry all at the same

embarrassed and angry all at the same time. But I put on a fake smile and

time. But I put on a fake smile and said, "I think we should really be

said, "I think we should really be talking about the way Michael checked in

talking about the way Michael checked in on Wes and kicked his ass into shape."

on Wes and kicked his ass into shape." What? Michael looked at Wes and said,

What? Michael looked at Wes and said, "How does she know about that?"

"How does she know about that?" >> I did look at Wes then, and he was

>> I did look at Wes then, and he was watching me closely like he was trying

watching me closely like he was trying to read my mind. His eyes stayed on my

to read my mind. His eyes stayed on my face as he said to Michael, "I told

face as he said to Michael, "I told everyone the way you threw baseballs at

everyone the way you threw baseballs at me and made me vomit on the mound."

me and made me vomit on the mound." I looked down because the intensity in

I looked down because the intensity in that direct gaze was too much. "For

that direct gaze was too much. "For real?" Michael said, cracking up. I

real?" Michael said, cracking up. I thought it was our [clears throat]

thought it was our [clears throat] secret.

secret. The moment kind of passed as Michael

The moment kind of passed as Michael shared his side of the story, but Wes

shared his side of the story, but Wes got quiet after that. And so did Clark,

got quiet after that. And so did Clark, who kept looking at me like he was

who kept looking at me like he was thinking hard, and he stayed that way,

thinking hard, and he stayed that way, silently introspective as we closed out

silently introspective as we closed out our tab and left the restaurant. He

our tab and left the restaurant. He looked downright pensive when we started

looked downright pensive when we started walking.

walking. Where did you park? I asked Joss as we

Where did you park? I asked Joss as we headed down Jackson Street. At the pay

headed down Jackson Street. At the pay lot by upstream, she said, "Walk with us

lot by upstream, she said, "Walk with us and we can get ice cream on the way."

and we can get ice cream on the way." "Oh," I turned to Clark on my other side

"Oh," I turned to Clark on my other side and said, "Ted and Wallally is on the

and said, "Ted and Wallally is on the way." "I'm always down for ice cream,"

way." "I'm always down for ice cream," he said. But he was still looking at me

he said. But he was still looking at me in a very weird way, like he was

in a very weird way, like he was thinking, processing,

thinking, processing, conspiring.

conspiring. I didn't know what to make of it because

I didn't know what to make of it because Clark was usually the easiest person on

Clark was usually the easiest person on the planet to read, but maybe I was just

the planet to read, but maybe I was just overthinking because I was exhausted.

overthinking because I was exhausted. We started walking toward the ice cream

We started walking toward the ice cream shop as a group, and as everyone talked

shop as a group, and as everyone talked and laughed, I wished I wasn't leaving

and laughed, I wished I wasn't leaving so soon.

so soon. Even after the awkward moment, I wanted

Even after the awkward moment, I wanted to stay.

to stay. "Are you coming?" Charlie said to

"Are you coming?" Charlie said to Bailey, who was walking behind him.

Bailey, who was walking behind him. "These shoes are uncomfortable,"

"These shoes are uncomfortable," she whined, pointing to her adorable

she whined, pointing to her adorable chunky boots that laced all the way up

chunky boots that laced all the way up the back. "They aren't broken in yet."

the back. "They aren't broken in yet." "So cute, though," Sarah said. "What

"So cute, though," Sarah said. "What size are they?" You're not borrowing

size are they?" You're not borrowing them because you're in California,

them because you're in California, Bailey said in a way that made it clear

Bailey said in a way that made it clear Sarah had overborrowed from Bailey in

Sarah had overborrowed from Bailey in the past. Also, they'll destroy your

the past. Also, they'll destroy your feet.

feet. Come on, glasses, Charlie said, stopping

Come on, glasses, Charlie said, stopping and looking at Bailey over his shoulder.

and looking at Bailey over his shoulder. You know I'm always willing to volunteer

You know I'm always willing to volunteer for piggybacking duty. Get on.

for piggybacking duty. Get on. She smiled and in a second was sprinting

She smiled and in a second was sprinting and jumping on his back. "You liar," he

and jumping on his back. "You liar," he said as she wrapped herself around him.

said as she wrapped herself around him. "If you can run up on me like that, you

"If you can run up on me like that, you little [ __ ] you can probably walk."

little [ __ ] you can probably walk." "But why would I walk when I can bury my

"But why would I walk when I can bury my cold nose in your warm collar?"

cold nose in your warm collar?" I looked away from them because

I looked away from them because something about the way they were

something about the way they were together felt familiar.

together felt familiar. >> "We need to talk, Liz.

>> "We need to talk, Liz. Clark said as we approached the ice

Clark said as we approached the ice cream shop.

cream shop. "What?"

"What?" He grabbed my elbow, stopping me,

He grabbed my elbow, stopping me, pulling me away from Joss and the rest

pulling me away from Joss and the rest of the group. He gave me a wink before

of the group. He gave me a wink before he loudly said, "I can't do this

he loudly said, "I can't do this anymore." "Do what?" I said, having no

anymore." "Do what?" I said, having no idea what he was talking about. "This,"

idea what he was talking about. "This," he said, sounding frustrated.

he said, sounding frustrated. us. It just isn't working.

us. It just isn't working. Us? I said,

Us? I said, and then I wondered,

and then I wondered, is he fake breaking up with me?

is he fake breaking up with me? Clark, I bit out, looking toward my

Clark, I bit out, looking toward my friends, who'd stopped by the door and

friends, who'd stopped by the door and appeared to be watching us. "Can we talk

appeared to be watching us. "Can we talk about this in the car?" No, he said,

about this in the car?" No, he said, driving his hands into his hair and

driving his hands into his hair and dramatically exclaiming, "Because I

dramatically exclaiming, "Because I can't take another minute of this. I

can't take another minute of this. I can't, Lizard."

can't, Lizard." Dear God, he was. But why? Why would he

Dear God, he was. But why? Why would he be doing this without talking to me

be doing this without talking to me first and in front of my friends?

first and in front of my friends? Of um what? I said, unsure if I was

Of um what? I said, unsure if I was supposed to play along or what I should

supposed to play along or what I should do. I'd never had a fake boyfriend dump

do. I'd never had a fake boyfriend dump me before, so this was new territory.

me before, so this was new territory. A feeling nothing from you, he said,

A feeling nothing from you, he said, putting his hands over his heart.

putting his hands over his heart. You looked at your pizza with more

You looked at your pizza with more emotion than you look at me. "Dude,

emotion than you look at me. "Dude, chill," I heard Noah say, sounding

chill," I heard Noah say, sounding annoyed. "Oh my god," Sarah said, and I

annoyed. "Oh my god," Sarah said, and I could see her covering her face in my

could see her covering her face in my peripheral vision.

peripheral vision. And just like that, I was irritated.

And just like that, I was irritated. Why wouldn't he talk to me first? My

Why wouldn't he talk to me first? My face was on fire, and I said the only

face was on fire, and I said the only thing I could think of.

thing I could think of. I had the penny ragu with meatballs.

I had the penny ragu with meatballs. Charlie snorted.

Charlie snorted. When was the last time you felt anything

When was the last time you felt anything at all, Liz? Clark asked me

at all, Liz? Clark asked me dramatically, and his eyes were

dramatically, and his eyes were twinkling.

twinkling. It was Clark clerking, fully committed,

It was Clark clerking, fully committed, and I wasn't sure whether to laugh or

and I wasn't sure whether to laugh or throat punch him. I grabbed his tree

throat punch him. I grabbed his tree trunk arm and tried moving him. "Can we

trunk arm and tried moving him. "Can we at least go around the corner and

at least go around the corner and discuss this where we aren't on a busy

discuss this where we aren't on a busy street?" "No," he said with flourish,

street?" "No," he said with flourish, throwing my hand from his arm like a

throwing my hand from his arm like a tantruming toddler. "I'm done." "Whoa,"

tantruming toddler. "I'm done." "Whoa," Wes said, stepping toward Clark. His

Wes said, stepping toward Clark. His face was normal, but his voice was tense

face was normal, but his voice was tense when he said, "No need to manhandle her,

when he said, "No need to manhandle her, waters." "He's not," I said, watching

waters." "He's not," I said, watching him watch Clark, wondering what he was

him watch Clark, wondering what he was thinking while looking so intense.

thinking while looking so intense. Yeah, I'm not, Clark repeated.

Yeah, I'm not, Clark repeated. I'm just ending things while we're still

I'm just ending things while we're still friends.

friends. Oh, is that what you're doing? I said

Oh, is that what you're doing? I said dryly.

dryly. Dude, ever heard of privacy?

Dude, ever heard of privacy? Charlie muttered.

Charlie muttered. Joss. Um, will you order me a chocolate

Joss. Um, will you order me a chocolate malt? I said, needing to end this

malt? I said, needing to end this spectacle.

spectacle. We'll be inside in just a sec.

We'll be inside in just a sec. Yes, I will. She understood and said to

Yes, I will. She understood and said to the group, "Let's go order, guys."

the group, "Let's go order, guys." Everyone followed, thank God. And as

Everyone followed, thank God. And as soon as the door closed behind them, I

soon as the door closed behind them, I whirled on him. "What the hell, Clark?

whirled on him. "What the hell, Clark? Why wouldn't you tell me before you took

Why wouldn't you tell me before you took it upon yourself to fake dump me?" "I'm

it upon yourself to fake dump me?" "I'm sorry," he said. "But it just happened,

sorry," he said. "But it just happened, Liz. I was already feeling guilty about

Liz. I was already feeling guilty about Wes. You know that." And then I rode

Wes. You know that." And then I rode with his sister and mom to the

with his sister and mom to the restaurant, and after listening to them,

restaurant, and after listening to them, I just couldn't do it anymore.

I just couldn't do it anymore. Well, you could have given me a little

Well, you could have given me a little warning, Liz. He grabbed my upper arms

warning, Liz. He grabbed my upper arms and squeezed, looking more intense than

and squeezed, looking more intense than Clark ever looked. He didn't really do

Clark ever looked. He didn't really do intensity.

intensity. There are things you need to know.

There are things you need to know. Things I am positive you're unaware of

Things I am positive you're unaware of about Wes? I asked. He obviously thought

about Wes? I asked. He obviously thought this was important, but I was already on

this was important, but I was already on Wes overload after last night. I

Wes overload after last night. I couldn't handle more Wes information.

couldn't handle more Wes information. Yes, he said. Sarah said, I don't care.

Yes, he said. Sarah said, I don't care. I interrupted. There is nothing I need

I interrupted. There is nothing I need to know. He cut me off by putting his

to know. He cut me off by putting his hand over my mouth and giving me stern

hand over my mouth and giving me stern dad eyes. Yes, there is.

dad eyes. Yes, there is. Can you please shut up for 10 seconds so

Can you please shut up for 10 seconds so I can speak?

I can speak? I sighed and nodded. Do you trust me? I

I sighed and nodded. Do you trust me? I nodded again and he dropped his hand and

nodded again and he dropped his hand and said,

said, "So, here's the thing. I started

"So, here's the thing. I started interviewing Sarah and her mom in the

interviewing Sarah and her mom in the car, but decided to scrap it because the

car, but decided to scrap it because the mom has verbal diarrhea and overshared a

mom has verbal diarrhea and overshared a lot that I don't think Bennett would

lot that I don't think Bennett would want in the dock."

want in the dock." Okay.

Okay. I wondered what she'd shared, but I also

I wondered what she'd shared, but I also knew I was better off not knowing.

knew I was better off not knowing. But like it was insane stuff. Stuff that

But like it was insane stuff. Stuff that you need to see. He unlocked his phone

you need to see. He unlocked his phone and held it out to me. Watch it. It's

and held it out to me. Watch it. It's only like 4 minutes long.

only like 4 minutes long. I am dying to, but I can't.

I am dying to, but I can't. Clark, I don't want I'm going to go

Clark, I don't want I'm going to go inside and smooth things over so your

inside and smooth things over so your friends don't kill me, he said, setting

friends don't kill me, he said, setting his phone in my hands as he spoke over

his phone in my hands as he spoke over me yet again.

me yet again. The company line will be that you and I

The company line will be that you and I have agreed we're better as friends and

have agreed we're better as friends and all is well. You're on a phone call and

all is well. You're on a phone call and we'll be in in a couple minutes. Got it.

we'll be in in a couple minutes. Got it. I looked down at his phone and wondered

I looked down at his phone and wondered what I was going to see.

what I was going to see. Okay.

Okay. The worst that can happen is that

The worst that can happen is that nothing changes, he said quietly,

nothing changes, he said quietly, reaching out a big hand to grab my

reaching out a big hand to grab my shoulder and start pushing me toward the

shoulder and start pushing me toward the bench on the other side of the building.

bench on the other side of the building. He gently pushed me to a sit and my

He gently pushed me to a sit and my hair, but I feel like it's important for

hair, but I feel like it's important for you to see this.

you to see this. I watched him walk away. And after he

I watched him walk away. And after he went inside the ice cream shop, it felt

went inside the ice cream shop, it felt still outside,

still outside, like everything in the universe was on

like everything in the universe was on pause.

pause. I stared at the phone in my hand and

I stared at the phone in my hand and didn't know what to do.

didn't know what to do. The best move would be to not watch it.

The best move would be to not watch it. Their words were for Clark, not me. So,

Their words were for Clark, not me. So, I had no business eavesdropping.

I had no business eavesdropping. I'd be doing the right thing by moving

I'd be doing the right thing by moving it into the trash file and forgetting

it into the trash file and forgetting what Clark told me. I mean, what could

what Clark told me. I mean, what could Wes's mom possibly say that would be

Wes's mom possibly say that would be that important for me to see? I barely

that important for me to see? I barely knew the guy anymore, aside from a weak

knew the guy anymore, aside from a weak moment on a living room floor that my

moment on a living room floor that my brain would just not let go of. We were

brain would just not let go of. We were merely acquaintances now.

merely acquaintances now. So, why am I about to watch it?

So, why am I about to watch it? My fingers were shaking as I took a deep

My fingers were shaking as I took a deep breath and started the video.

breath and started the video. Clark was in the front seat and he was

Clark was in the front seat and he was filming Wes's mom, who was in the back

filming Wes's mom, who was in the back seat behind Sarah.

seat behind Sarah. She was looking directly at the camera

She was looking directly at the camera as Clark asked her, "What do you think

as Clark asked her, "What do you think makes Wes's story so special?"

makes Wes's story so special?" From off camera, Sarah said, "He has a

From off camera, Sarah said, "He has a sister who's cool as hell."

sister who's cool as hell." >> Oh, I haven't met her yet.

>> Oh, I haven't met her yet. Clark said under his breath, but the

Clark said under his breath, but the camera stayed trained on Wes's mom. She

camera stayed trained on Wes's mom. She crossed her arms and said, "The fact

crossed her arms and said, "The fact that he survived everything that was

that he survived everything that was thrown at him, like literally the fact

thrown at him, like literally the fact that he's not in a gutter somewhere is a

that he's not in a gutter somewhere is a triumph, right?"

triumph, right?" That made me want to smile. Her flare

That made me want to smile. Her flare for the dramatic.

for the dramatic. Like, everyone just thinks his dad died,

Like, everyone just thinks his dad died, so he came home to help out and managed

so he came home to help out and managed to make it back to baseball. They think

to make it back to baseball. They think that's the story, but that's not the

that's the story, but that's not the story, kid.

story, kid. Ma, Sarah said. Maybe don't.

Ma, Sarah said. Maybe don't. What is the story in your opinion? Clark

What is the story in your opinion? Clark asked. She tilted her head and narrowed

asked. She tilted her head and narrowed her eyes, like she could see it playing

her eyes, like she could see it playing out.

out. For starters, he felt like Stu's death

For starters, he felt like Stu's death was his fault. So, from the get-go, he's

was his fault. So, from the get-go, he's had to deal with a lot of guilt.

had to deal with a lot of guilt. I felt my breath catch and my eyes were

I felt my breath catch and my eyes were fixated on the screen, dying to know

fixated on the screen, dying to know more because I'd seen firsthand that

more because I'd seen firsthand that something haunted him. Some kind of

something haunted him. Some kind of heavy grief was eating away at him.

heavy grief was eating away at him. Clark sounded shocked when he asked,

Clark sounded shocked when he asked, "Why would he think that?"

"Why would he think that?" She gave her head a shake like it was a

She gave her head a shake like it was a sad story.

sad story. He called home and they had an argument.

He called home and they had an argument. Stu was bullheaded and pushy as hell

Stu was bullheaded and pushy as hell when it came to baseball. So got mad and

when it came to baseball. So got mad and said a lot of terrible things that he

said a lot of terrible things that he didn't mean, including telling Stu he

didn't mean, including telling Stu he didn't want him at his exhibition game,

didn't want him at his exhibition game, which we were already packed and ready

which we were already packed and ready to drive across the country for.

to drive across the country for. I watched frozen, dreading the rest,

I watched frozen, dreading the rest, because his dad died before the

because his dad died before the exhibition game.

exhibition game. So Stu hung up on him, sat down to watch

So Stu hung up on him, sat down to watch a ball game, and had a heart attack an

a ball game, and had a heart attack an hour later.

hour later. Oh my god.

Oh my god. My hand covered my mouth, and I

My hand covered my mouth, and I swallowed, blinking back tears as I

swallowed, blinking back tears as I tried to imagine how anyone would handle

tried to imagine how anyone would handle the guilt of that. "Oh, God," Clark

the guilt of that. "Oh, God," Clark said. "He thinks he killed his dad."

said. "He thinks he killed his dad." Yes, sir," she said, shaking her head

Yes, sir," she said, shaking her head with tears in her eyes.

with tears in her eyes. And when he came home for the funeral, I

And when he came home for the funeral, I was dealing with my own PTSD,

was dealing with my own PTSD, though I didn't know it at the time.

though I didn't know it at the time. I'd completely checked out, but instead

I'd completely checked out, but instead of going back to school, Wesie got two

of going back to school, Wesie got two full-time jobs because I couldn't work.

full-time jobs because I couldn't work. He paid the mortgage and the rest of the

He paid the mortgage and the rest of the bills every month while also making sure

bills every month while also making sure Sarah got to school every day and had

Sarah got to school every day and had what she needed.

what she needed. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. I stood and

Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. I stood and wiped at my cheeks, staring at the phone

wiped at my cheeks, staring at the phone in the darkness.

in the darkness. I started pacing around the Ted and

I started pacing around the Ted and Wallally's parking lot as I realized

Wallally's parking lot as I realized Mrs. Bennett hadn't been melodramatic at

Mrs. Bennett hadn't been melodramatic at all.

all. It was a triumph that he had survived

It was a triumph that he had survived those hits.

those hits. "Enough, Mom," Sarah said, sounding

"Enough, Mom," Sarah said, sounding angry.

angry. "Dear God, how can this be true? How did

"Dear God, how can this be true? How did I not know?

I not know? Why didn't he tell me?"

Why didn't he tell me?" Wes was the one who insisted I see a

Wes was the one who insisted I see a therapist.

therapist. So, he saved my life by being stubborn,"

So, he saved my life by being stubborn," she said, coughing out a laugh while

she said, coughing out a laugh while wiping her eyes.

wiping her eyes. Like, what kind of a teenager does all

Like, what kind of a teenager does all of that? He gave up everything he'd ever

of that? He gave up everything he'd ever dreamed of. School, baseball, dating

dreamed of. School, baseball, dating to take care of us.

to take care of us. Don't use this. Okay, Clark.

Don't use this. Okay, Clark. Clark swung the camera over to Sarah and

Clark swung the camera over to Sarah and she looked upset.

she looked upset. Her brown eyes, so much like Wes's, were

Her brown eyes, so much like Wes's, were bright with unshed tears. And she shook

bright with unshed tears. And she shook her head.

her head. I think it would kill him for people to

I think it would kill him for people to hear this.

hear this. I won't, I heard Clark say. I'll delete

I won't, I heard Clark say. I'll delete it all. But why wouldn't he want people

it all. But why wouldn't he want people to know how selfless he was?

to know how selfless he was? She shrugged.

She shrugged. If he thinks he's the one who caused it

If he thinks he's the one who caused it all, it probably doesn't feel like

all, it probably doesn't feel like selflessness, does it?

selflessness, does it? you okay? He asked Sarah and then the

you okay? He asked Sarah and then the video ended.

video ended. I stood there staring down at the phone,

I stood there staring down at the phone, its silent screen jarring after what I

its silent screen jarring after what I just watched.

just watched. I looked around at the dark downtown

I looked around at the dark downtown night,

night, and it felt like everything had changed.

and it felt like everything had changed. People were still walking around, smells

People were still walking around, smells of delicious food swirling in the air.

of delicious food swirling in the air. But it had become a different place.

But it had become a different place. It was now the setting of a

It was now the setting of a heartbreaking plot twist.

heartbreaking plot twist. How was it possible?

How was it possible? My mind was racing through memories,

My mind was racing through memories, comparing what I had with what I now

comparing what I had with what I now knew. The silly, light-hearted Wes who'd

knew. The silly, light-hearted Wes who'd facetimed me every night back then had

facetimed me every night back then had been going through that. And it was

been going through that. And it was tough to decide what the worst part of

tough to decide what the worst part of the story was. Was it Wes thinking he

the story was. Was it Wes thinking he was responsible for his dad's death,

was responsible for his dad's death, that his harsh words had literally

that his harsh words had literally killed his father? Or Wes having the

killed his father? Or Wes having the weight of the world resting on his

weight of the world resting on his 18-year-old shoulders?

18-year-old shoulders? Liz. I gasped and turned around in time

Liz. I gasped and turned around in time to see the door to the ice cream shop

to see the door to the ice cream shop closing behind Wes. He zipped his jacket

closing behind Wes. He zipped his jacket and walked toward me. I wiped up my

and walked toward me. I wiped up my cheeks, but it was no use as I saw him

cheeks, but it was no use as I saw him watching me like he could see the

watching me like he could see the mascara tracks.

mascara tracks. "Are you okay?" he asked, his eyebrows

"Are you okay?" he asked, his eyebrows furrowed together.

furrowed together. Clark was an [ __ ] too. "Why didn't

Clark was an [ __ ] too. "Why didn't you tell me, Wes?"

you tell me, Wes?" I heard myself ask, my voice cracking.

I heard myself ask, my voice cracking. What? He narrowed his eyes. "Tell you

What? He narrowed his eyes. "Tell you what?

what? Why didn't you tell me about everything

Why didn't you tell me about everything you were dealing with after your dad

you were dealing with after your dad died?" I asked, abandoning any hope of

died?" I asked, abandoning any hope of keeping it together. I couldn't hold

keeping it together. I couldn't hold back the tears as I imagined the way he

back the tears as I imagined the way he must have felt. And I wanted so badly to

must have felt. And I wanted so badly to be able to go back in time and know the

be able to go back in time and know the truth. so I could help him.

truth. so I could help him. Why didn't you let me help you?"

Why didn't you let me help you?" His mouth opened like he was going to

His mouth opened like he was going to speak, but he didn't.

speak, but he didn't. He closed his mouth and squinted like he

He closed his mouth and squinted like he was trying to figure out what he was

was trying to figure out what he was supposed to say.

supposed to say. "We talked every day, Wes," I said,

"We talked every day, Wes," I said, grieving for him two years too late.

grieving for him two years too late. My voice was thick when I said, "And you

My voice was thick when I said, "And you never said a word about any of it. You

never said a word about any of it. You told me you were working a lot to save

told me you were working a lot to save money for school. Were you seriously

money for school. Were you seriously working two jobs to pay all of your

working two jobs to pay all of your family's bills?"

family's bills?" "Someone had to do it." "It wasn't a big

"Someone had to do it." "It wasn't a big deal," he said, looking uncomfortable.

deal," he said, looking uncomfortable. "It wasn't a big deal?" I asked, my

"It wasn't a big deal?" I asked, my voice a high-pitched squeal. God, why

voice a high-pitched squeal. God, why wouldn't you say something? I could have

wouldn't you say something? I could have helped you.

helped you. How? He asked, shrugging like he was

How? He asked, shrugging like he was embarrassed.

embarrassed. How could you have helped? You were a

How could you have helped? You were a teenager away at college. What could you

teenager away at college. What could you have done? I could have been there for

have done? I could have been there for you, I said, hiccoping out a sob that

you, I said, hiccoping out a sob that should have embarrassed me, but I was

should have embarrassed me, but I was too emotional to care.

too emotional to care. I could have supported you while you

I could have supported you while you dealt with all of it. God, was I so

dealt with all of it. God, was I so self-centered, you couldn't tell me?

self-centered, you couldn't tell me? I said it more to myself than to him,

I said it more to myself than to him, honestly.

honestly. Was I so tied up in what I was doing at

Was I so tied up in what I was doing at school that you felt like you couldn't

school that you felt like you couldn't say anything?

say anything? No, he insisted, stubbing a little

No, he insisted, stubbing a little closer to me, shaking his head.

closer to me, shaking his head. That wasn't it at all. I was dealing

That wasn't it at all. I was dealing with so much [ __ ] spiraling and hating

with so much [ __ ] spiraling and hating who I was every [ __ ] day. And I

who I was every [ __ ] day. And I didn't want to take you down with me.

didn't want to take you down with me. But you wouldn't have, I said, shaking

But you wouldn't have, I said, shaking my head as grief shook me. Grief for the

my head as grief shook me. Grief for the boy he'd been and the people we'd been

boy he'd been and the people we'd been together.

together. You said it yourself that I was away at

You said it yourself that I was away at college. You couldn't have taken me

college. You couldn't have taken me down. It was already happening, Liz. He

down. It was already happening, Liz. He snapped.

snapped. What? No, it wasn't. I argued, irritated

What? No, it wasn't. I argued, irritated by whatever case he was trying to make

by whatever case he was trying to make because there was no reason he couldn't

because there was no reason he couldn't have told me. Maybe it was a guilty

have told me. Maybe it was a guilty conscience, but I felt defensive for

conscience, but I felt defensive for some reason.

some reason. Oh, really?

Oh, really? He raised his eyebrows and said,

He raised his eyebrows and said, "Remember Jack Antonoff."

"Remember Jack Antonoff." "What?"

"What?" I looked up at him like he was crazy

I looked up at him like he was crazy because what the hell did that mean?

because what the hell did that mean? "You were invited to an industry event

"You were invited to an industry event at Antino's house," he said, looking

at Antino's house," he said, looking angry now. "Do you remember that?"

angry now. "Do you remember that?" "Yeah, sort of.

"Yeah, sort of. I did remember that I was invited, but I

I did remember that I was invited, but I couldn't remember why I hadn't gone.

couldn't remember why I hadn't gone. Why wouldn't I have gone?

Why wouldn't I have gone? You and your roommate Bushra were

You and your roommate Bushra were invited.

invited. She went, but you stayed home because

She went, but you stayed home because you said you'd rather talk to me.

you said you'd rather talk to me. Okay, I said unsure of the point he was

Okay, I said unsure of the point he was making. I was also surprised I would

making. I was also surprised I would have done that to be honest.

have done that to be honest. He looked pissed that I didn't remember.

He looked pissed that I didn't remember. His voice was a little louder when he

His voice was a little louder when he said, "You had this incredible

said, "You had this incredible opportunity to do something that could

opportunity to do something that could help your career, but you chose to stay

help your career, but you chose to stay home and talk to your grocery stocking

home and talk to your grocery stocking boyfriend in [ __ ] Nebraska on the

boyfriend in [ __ ] Nebraska on the phone instead."

phone instead." "So I said, unsure why we were kind of

"So I said, unsure why we were kind of yelling at each other now." "Unsure,

yelling at each other now." "Unsure, yet it was right. I was full of rage and

yet it was right. I was full of rage and sadness and angst about everything that

sadness and angst about everything that had ever happened with us. And it was

had ever happened with us. And it was boiling over as he spoke like freshman

boiling over as he spoke like freshman Liz had been a lovesick idiot.

Liz had been a lovesick idiot. So I was already taking you down, don't

So I was already taking you down, don't you see?

you see? His voice was loud with frustration when

His voice was loud with frustration when he said, "God, Liz, you blew off Jack

he said, "God, Liz, you blew off Jack [ __ ] Antinoff from me." "Oh, come on,

[ __ ] Antinoff from me." "Oh, come on, Wes. Seriously, he said, cutting me off.

Wes. Seriously, he said, cutting me off. His dark eyes were flashing when he

His dark eyes were flashing when he added, "Who does that? Who has the

added, "Who does that? Who has the chance to meet their idol, but chooses

chance to meet their idol, but chooses to take a nothing phone call instead?"

to take a nothing phone call instead?" "Are you mad at me for not going to Jack

"Are you mad at me for not going to Jack Antonov's party?" I asked, confused by

Antonov's party?" I asked, confused by why this recollection from back then

why this recollection from back then seemed to anger him. Yes.

seemed to anger him. Yes. I looked up at raging Wes and had no

I looked up at raging Wes and had no idea what to say.

idea what to say. Don't you see?

Don't you see? That was why? He bit out in frustration,

That was why? He bit out in frustration, shaking his head back and forth while

shaking his head back and forth while his eyes were hot.

his eyes were hot. That was when I knew I had to brea. His

That was when I knew I had to brea. His mouth snapped shut. He stopped talking

mouth snapped shut. He stopped talking and scratched his eyebrow.

and scratched his eyebrow. Had to what? I said, watching him censor

Had to what? I said, watching him censor himself.

himself. Nothing, he said, his Adam's apple

Nothing, he said, his Adam's apple moving around a big swallow.

moving around a big swallow. I just know, Wes. What were you going to

I just know, Wes. What were you going to say?

say? My heart raced as I asked the question

My heart raced as I asked the question that I suddenly knew the answer to. That

that I suddenly knew the answer to. That was when you knew you had to.

was when you knew you had to. His jaw flexed and unflexed, his eyes on

His jaw flexed and unflexed, his eyes on me before he said.

me before he said. That was when I knew I had to break up

That was when I knew I had to break up with you.

Chapter 29. Last night should have been the biggest

Last night should have been the biggest night of my life, and it wasn't. It

night of my life, and it wasn't. It wasn't because you weren't there. So, I

wasn't because you weren't there. So, I just wanted to tell you, not to change

just wanted to tell you, not to change your mind or keep you from going, but

your mind or keep you from going, but just so you know that I know that I do

just so you know that I know that I do need you for the love of the game,

need you for the love of the game, Wes.

Wes. But her green eyes looked huge as she

But her green eyes looked huge as she gazed up at me like I just hit her. The

gazed up at me like I just hit her. The Antinoff party was right after you moved

Antinoff party was right after you moved home. Yeah, I said, not sure where this

home. Yeah, I said, not sure where this was going. And so we didn't break up for

was going. And so we didn't break up for weeks," she said, her eyebrows

weeks," she said, her eyebrows furrowing. "Because I wasn't strong

furrowing. "Because I wasn't strong enough to let you go, Lib."

enough to let you go, Lib." I'd known it was the best thing for her,

I'd known it was the best thing for her, and I was determined to do it. But every

and I was determined to do it. But every night, I was too weak. As soon as I

night, I was too weak. As soon as I heard the sound of her incoming

heard the sound of her incoming FaceTime, I'd tell myself one more time

FaceTime, I'd tell myself one more time and get lost in Liz for one more

and get lost in Liz for one more conversation.

conversation. "Was that why you were so distant?" she

"Was that why you were so distant?" she asked. You were trying to get rid of me.

asked. You were trying to get rid of me. I had to, I said, feeling weak from the

I had to, I said, feeling weak from the recollection.

recollection. I loved you. That flipped the switch. As

I loved you. That flipped the switch. As soon as I said I loved you, her face

soon as I said I loved you, her face went from sad and confused to straight

went from sad and confused to straight up angry. "No, you were cheating on me,"

up angry. "No, you were cheating on me," she said through gritted teeth. "Don't

she said through gritted teeth. "Don't you dare act like you loved me, Wes."

you dare act like you loved me, Wes." But I did, I yelled, because that was

But I did, I yelled, because that was the only truth I'd ever known. I always

the only truth I'd ever known. I always loved you. Shut up, she snapped. But her

loved you. Shut up, she snapped. But her tears lessened the aggression as she

tears lessened the aggression as she shook her head and hiccuped out a little

shook her head and hiccuped out a little sob. I felt it in the center of my chest

sob. I felt it in the center of my chest when she said, "I hate that you suffered

when she said, "I hate that you suffered and I hate what you went through, but

and I hate what you went through, but that doesn't erase what you did." "I

that doesn't erase what you did." "I didn't, though," I said, ready to

didn't, though," I said, ready to finally confess. I didn't cheat on you,

finally confess. I didn't cheat on you, Lib. She took a step back, putting her

Lib. She took a step back, putting her hands on top of her head and looking at

hands on top of her head and looking at me like I was out of my mind. Her eyes

me like I was out of my mind. Her eyes were huge when she said, "You can't lie

were huge when she said, "You can't lie about this now, Wes. Because you were

about this now, Wes. Because you were the one who told me that you did."

the one who told me that you did." Remember?

Remember? Yeah. How could I ever forget?

Yeah. How could I ever forget? New Year's Day, two years ago.

New Year's Day, two years ago. I was lying in bed, hung over and

I was lying in bed, hung over and depressed, when the doorbell started

depressed, when the doorbell started ringing. The first time it was a

ringing. The first time it was a singular ring. Since Sarah and I never

singular ring. Since Sarah and I never answered the door unless we were

answered the door unless we were expecting someone, we both ignored it.

expecting someone, we both ignored it. And when it rang again, he responded in

And when it rang again, he responded in the same way. But then whoever was at

the same way. But then whoever was at the door lost their ever loving mind and

the door lost their ever loving mind and started lying on the bell. Ringing that

started lying on the bell. Ringing that thing over and over and over again like

thing over and over and over again like a psycho. "Go away," I muttered,

a psycho. "Go away," I muttered, covering my head with my pillow. "Just

covering my head with my pillow. "Just being awake was bad enough. I definitely

being awake was bad enough. I definitely wasn't interested in engaging with

wasn't interested in engaging with another human." But then I heard Sarah

another human." But then I heard Sarah run down the stairs and open the door.

run down the stairs and open the door. Idiot. It was probably those people who

Idiot. It was probably those people who sold pest control door to door. But in

sold pest control door to door. But in an instant, everything inside me roared

an instant, everything inside me roared awake and my heart started pounding hard

awake and my heart started pounding hard in my chest because I heard her voice. I

in my chest because I heard her voice. I heard Liz say, "I need to talk to your

heard Liz say, "I need to talk to your brother." I wanted to scream no to lock

brother." I wanted to scream no to lock my door and hide under the bed because

my door and hide under the bed because there was no possible way I was strong

there was no possible way I was strong enough to be alone with her and not beg

enough to be alone with her and not beg her to love me forever. "I think he's

her to love me forever. "I think he's still asleep," Sarah said. I knew my

still asleep," Sarah said. I knew my sister liked Liz, so the odds weren't in

sister liked Liz, so the odds weren't in my favor that she'd slam the door and

my favor that she'd slam the door and throw the dead bull. In his room, Liz

throw the dead bull. In his room, Liz asked, "Please don't come up here.

asked, "Please don't come up here. Please don't come up here." I looked

Please don't come up here." I looked around like a fool, trying to find some

around like a fool, trying to find some way to escape, but there was nothing.

way to escape, but there was nothing. Nothing but the sound of her footsteps

Nothing but the sound of her footsteps on the stairs, coming down the hallway

on the stairs, coming down the hallway toward my bedroom. I closed my eyes and

toward my bedroom. I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep like a total

pretended to be asleep like a total coward, clueless as to what the hell I

coward, clueless as to what the hell I was supposed to do. She knocked on my

was supposed to do. She knocked on my door. "Please go away, Lib." But then I

door. "Please go away, Lib." But then I heard her step into the room. "Wes," she

heard her step into the room. "Wes," she said, and my heart seized in my chest at

said, and my heart seized in my chest at the sound of her voice so close. "Wake

the sound of her voice so close. "Wake up." I opened my eyes and instantly

up." I opened my eyes and instantly regretted it because somehow she looked

regretted it because somehow she looked more wounded than she had last night.

more wounded than she had last night. when I'd intentionally hurt her. Her

when I'd intentionally hurt her. Her cheeks were pink and her eyes were red,

cheeks were pink and her eyes were red, and I wanted to pull her down on the bed

and I wanted to pull her down on the bed and kiss her until she forgave me.

and kiss her until she forgave me. Instead, I scratched my head and said,

Instead, I scratched my head and said, "Liz," I sat up, pretending I was half

"Liz," I sat up, pretending I was half awake and confused when all I really was

awake and confused when all I really was was a dick. "Tell me about you and

was a dick. "Tell me about you and Ashley," she said, her voice cracking.

Ashley," she said, her voice cracking. "Damn it." As I'd been pouting on the

"Damn it." As I'd been pouting on the deck at the party the night before, Ash

deck at the party the night before, Ash laid a peck on me at midnight. There had

laid a peck on me at midnight. There had been nothing to it. It was only because

been nothing to it. It was only because of New Year's, and I was surprised Liz

of New Year's, and I was surprised Liz had heard about it at all. I wished I

had heard about it at all. I wished I could make her feel better so [ __ ]

could make her feel better so [ __ ] badly. But I shrugged and said, "It was

badly. But I shrugged and said, "It was New Year's Eve, Bucksbound. I'm not

New Year's Eve, Bucksbound. I'm not talking about last night." She snapped,

talking about last night." She snapped, looking like she wanted to hit me or

looking like she wanted to hit me or ball her eyes out. I hated both.

ball her eyes out. I hated both. She took in a breath and said, "People

She took in a breath and said, "People are saying that you and Ashley were

are saying that you and Ashley were hanging out in October when you and I

hanging out in October when you and I were still together." Of course not.

were still together." Of course not. There was no one for me but you, Lib. In

There was no one for me but you, Lib. In October, I was too busy missing you to

October, I was too busy missing you to notice other humans.

notice other humans. It obviously wasn't true. I worked with

It obviously wasn't true. I worked with Ashley and that was it. But people in

Ashley and that was it. But people in this town loved starting rumors. I

this town loved starting rumors. I didn't know what to say as she watched

didn't know what to say as she watched me, gnawing on her bottom lip. I wanted

me, gnawing on her bottom lip. I wanted to reassure her more than I wanted to

to reassure her more than I wanted to breathe, but maybe this idiotic rumor

breathe, but maybe this idiotic rumor was exactly what I needed. I said, "Is

was exactly what I needed. I said, "Is that right?" She nodded and asked, "Is

that right?" She nodded and asked, "Is it true?" "No, it's not true. God, Lib,

it true?" "No, it's not true. God, Lib, do you really think I could ever do

do you really think I could ever do that?" I took a deep breath, staring

that?" I took a deep breath, staring into her eyes, and managed to sound

into her eyes, and managed to sound bored when I said, "Does it really

bored when I said, "Does it really matter now?" "Yes, it matters," she

matter now?" "Yes, it matters," she said, blinking back tears I wanted to

said, blinking back tears I wanted to kiss away. "Of course it matters." "Did

kiss away. "Of course it matters." "Did you cheat on me, Wes?" I dragged a hand

you cheat on me, Wes?" I dragged a hand down my face, down the beard that

down my face, down the beard that belonged to an unfamiliar person, and I

belonged to an unfamiliar person, and I said, "I don't know. It's a blur." Okay.

said, "I don't know. It's a blur." Okay. I can't remember exactly when one thing

I can't remember exactly when one thing ended and another began. You know, my

ended and another began. You know, my throat hurt. It was burning as I forced

throat hurt. It was burning as I forced it to speak these ridiculous lies.

it to speak these ridiculous lies. "Bullshit," she said, a hiccup in her

"Bullshit," she said, a hiccup in her voice. "Just admit it." "Seriously." I

voice. "Just admit it." "Seriously." I felt nauseous as she looked up at me,

felt nauseous as she looked up at me, and I forced myself to groan like she

and I forced myself to groan like she was a total pain in the ass. "Okay, I

was a total pain in the ass. "Okay, I guess I admit it." I looked down, unable

guess I admit it." I looked down, unable to look at her or anything because I was

to look at her or anything because I was a half a second from falling apart. I

a half a second from falling apart. I reached out and grabbed my phone from

reached out and grabbed my phone from the nightstand as if I was so

the nightstand as if I was so uninterested in our conversation that I

uninterested in our conversation that I needed something to look at. But she

needed something to look at. But she broke my heart when she said in the

broke my heart when she said in the smallest voice. Why?

smallest voice. Why? I did look at her then because I

I did look at her then because I realized at that moment I'd probably

realized at that moment I'd probably never be that close to her again.

never be that close to her again. I wanted to ball as I looked into her

I wanted to ball as I looked into her eyes and said, "Because she was here and

eyes and said, "Because she was here and you weren't."

you weren't." "God,

"God, I hate you," she whispered before

I hate you," she whispered before running out of the room. "And I knew

running out of the room. "And I knew we'd never be okay again."

we'd never be okay again." "I took a deep breath and forced myself

"I took a deep breath and forced myself back to the present. But it's true," I

back to the present. But it's true," I said. "I only said I cheated to get you

said. "I only said I cheated to get you to move on." Her face became impossible

to move on." Her face became impossible to read as she said, "Explain what the

to read as she said, "Explain what the hell that could mean." I took a deep

hell that could mean." I took a deep breath and just dove in. When you showed

breath and just dove in. When you showed up on New Year's Eve, I expected you to

up on New Year's Eve, I expected you to hate me for breaking up with you. I was

hate me for breaking up with you. I was positive you had moved on, but then you

positive you had moved on, but then you smiled at me. Her eyes narrowed and I

smiled at me. Her eyes narrowed and I wasn't sure if she was glaring or

wasn't sure if she was glaring or listening intently.

listening intently. You smiled at me and even took the kiss

You smiled at me and even took the kiss bat. I realized when you looked at me

bat. I realized when you looked at me that even though we weren't together,

that even though we weren't together, you still hadn't moved on. She made a

you still hadn't moved on. She made a noise in the back of her throat, almost

noise in the back of her throat, almost a growl, but I kept going. And you

a growl, but I kept going. And you needed to because it was for the best,

needed to because it was for the best, so I was an [ __ ] at the party on

so I was an [ __ ] at the party on purpose. And when you accused me of

purpose. And when you accused me of cheating the next morning, I took the

cheating the next morning, I took the easy out. But everyone said you and

easy out. But everyone said you and Ashley had been we worked together after

Ashley had been we worked together after I moved back and we commiscerated a lot

I moved back and we commiscerated a lot because we both had crappy home lives.

because we both had crappy home lives. So people saw us together and made

So people saw us together and made assumptions.

assumptions. I stepped closer to Liz needing her to

I stepped closer to Liz needing her to believe me. But we were always just

believe me. But we were always just friends because there was never anyone

friends because there was never anyone else for me but you. She growled again,

else for me but you. She growled again, then said, "So, you broke up with me

then said, "So, you broke up with me because you loved me so much, and then

because you loved me so much, and then said you cheated on me because you

said you cheated on me because you needed me to move on, but knew I

needed me to move on, but knew I wouldn't unless you did something

wouldn't unless you did something terrible." I knew something wasn't right

terrible." I knew something wasn't right in that, but I said, "Yes,

in that, but I said, "Yes, and this is the absolute truth," she

and this is the absolute truth," she asked, her eyes everywhere on my face.

asked, her eyes everywhere on my face. "Swear on my life," I said, feeling

"Swear on my life," I said, feeling relieved because she looked like she

relieved because she looked like she believed me.

believed me. Dear God, I cannot believe the ego. Liz

Dear God, I cannot believe the ego. Liz shook her head, her eyes wide as she

shook her head, her eyes wide as she yelled, "How can you be so incredibly

yelled, "How can you be so incredibly arrogant?" "Arrogant? I was truly

arrogant?" "Arrogant? I was truly confused. I was a lot of things, but

confused. I was a lot of things, but arrogant wasn't one of them." "Yes.

arrogant wasn't one of them." "Yes. Are you God? Are you my dad? How would

Are you God? Are you my dad? How would it ever be your place to decide what's

it ever be your place to decide what's best for me without my input?" "It

best for me without my input?" "It wasn't like that. Come on, I said,

wasn't like that. Come on, I said, rubbing the side of my neck, wishing I

rubbing the side of my neck, wishing I could make her understand. But I know

could make her understand. But I know you, Lib, I knew you'd stay with me no

you, Lib, I knew you'd stay with me no matter how big of a loser I became. And

matter how big of a loser I became. And I couldn't let you do that. For

I couldn't let you do that. For starters, do you realize how insulting

starters, do you realize how insulting it is that you think I'm like so

it is that you think I'm like so childish or lovesick or freaking

childish or lovesick or freaking enamored with you that I would just stay

enamored with you that I would just stay like a loyal retriever no matter what?

like a loyal retriever no matter what? She was full-on yelling now, her eyes

She was full-on yelling now, her eyes blazing.

blazing. You infantilized me by assuming you knew

You infantilized me by assuming you knew best. God save me from this ego. There

best. God save me from this ego. There was no ego involved. I argued a little

was no ego involved. I argued a little pissed because I might have screwed up,

pissed because I might have screwed up, but my entire life was a pile of [ __ ] at

but my entire life was a pile of [ __ ] at the time. For God's sake, Lib, you have

the time. For God's sake, Lib, you have no idea what it was like. Just put

no idea what it was like. Just put yourself in my shoes for 5 seconds. I

yourself in my shoes for 5 seconds. I don't know how to be in the shoes of

don't know how to be in the shoes of God, Wes. And can you take a half a

God, Wes. And can you take a half a second to recognize the fact that I

second to recognize the fact that I never cheated on you? Can I at least get

never cheated on you? Can I at least get a reprieve for that? No, you guys.

a reprieve for that? No, you guys. What? Liz and I yelled in unison. I

What? Liz and I yelled in unison. I looked to my right and Sarah was

looked to my right and Sarah was standing there watching us with her

standing there watching us with her eyebrows raised. We need to leave for

eyebrows raised. We need to leave for the airport, she said sheepishly,

the airport, she said sheepishly, holding the keys to my mom's car as she

holding the keys to my mom's car as she looked back and forth between the two of

looked back and forth between the two of us. I need 5 more minutes, I said. Not

us. I need 5 more minutes, I said. Not even close to finished. "No, I'm done,"

even close to finished. "No, I'm done," Liz said, pushing her hair behind her

Liz said, pushing her hair behind her ears. "Safe travel, Sarah." She marched

ears. "Safe travel, Sarah." She marched away from me and toward the ice cream

away from me and toward the ice cream shop, her rage whipping like a breeze

shop, her rage whipping like a breeze behind her. I stared as she went inside,

behind her. I stared as she went inside, and I could see through the windows as

and I could see through the windows as she walked up to Joss and started

she walked up to Joss and started talking. "God, I love the way she talks

talking. "God, I love the way she talks with her hands when she's pissed.

with her hands when she's pissed. I'm really sorry." What? Sarah was

I'm really sorry." What? Sarah was looking at me like a worried parent,

looking at me like a worried parent, like she was afraid I was going to break

like she was afraid I was going to break down.

down. I feel like this is my fault. It's not

I feel like this is my fault. It's not your fault. I put my hands in my pockets

your fault. I put my hands in my pockets and kept watching Liz through the

and kept watching Liz through the window. You didn't force me to lie. No,

window. You didn't force me to lie. No, but I've been telling you for forever

but I've been telling you for forever that you needed to be honest with Liz.

that you needed to be honest with Liz. Now you finally listened and it

Now you finally listened and it backfired. How do you figure? I watched

backfired. How do you figure? I watched as Josh shook her head and put her hands

as Josh shook her head and put her hands on her hips. "Um,

on her hips. "Um, all the yelling," Sarah replied, her

all the yelling," Sarah replied, her voice full of sarcasm. "I hadn't

voice full of sarcasm. "I hadn't imagined it would go off the rails quite

imagined it would go off the rails quite like that. I actually think it's good."

like that. I actually think it's good." I looked back at my sister and felt

I looked back at my sister and felt relaxed all of a sudden. The air has

relaxed all of a sudden. The air has finally been cleared. "Huh?" she said,

finally been cleared. "Huh?" she said, looking at me suspiciously.

looking at me suspiciously. I would not have pictured you responding

I would not have pictured you responding this calmly. "Well, you don't know

this calmly. "Well, you don't know everything, do you, Stanford?" I teased,

everything, do you, Stanford?" I teased, then looked up at the sky. It was a

then looked up at the sky. It was a clear night, so clear that I could see a

clear night, so clear that I could see a few stars in spite of the downtown

few stars in spite of the downtown lights. And it felt like something.

lights. And it felt like something. Rewrite the stars started playing in my

Rewrite the stars started playing in my head as I thought about the fact that

head as I thought about the fact that Sarah was right. It didn't make sense

Sarah was right. It didn't make sense that I wasn't more upset right now. But

that I wasn't more upset right now. But two things had just come into my head.

two things had just come into my head. Realizations as clear as those tiny

Realizations as clear as those tiny stars in the night sky. And they were

stars in the night sky. And they were making me really [ __ ] happy. The

making me really [ __ ] happy. The first, Liz was single now. She was

first, Liz was single now. She was finally available. And she didn't seem

finally available. And she didn't seem to be all that broken up about losing

to be all that broken up about losing Clark. All she'd screamed about was me.

Clark. All she'd screamed about was me. Us. And that was the second thing. Her

Us. And that was the second thing. Her rage. Liz was livid. angrier than I'd

rage. Liz was livid. angrier than I'd ever seen her. And that was, well, kind

ever seen her. And that was, well, kind of fantastic

of fantastic because it meant she hadn't moved on.

because it meant she hadn't moved on. She wasn't over us at all. Something

She wasn't over us at all. Something that felt a hell of a lot like hope was

that felt a hell of a lot like hope was buzzing through me as I looked up at

buzzing through me as I looked up at those stars and pictured her face when

those stars and pictured her face when she'd yelled, "I don't know how to be in

she'd yelled, "I don't know how to be in the shoes of God, Wes." Because instead

the shoes of God, Wes." Because instead of the measured looks I'd gotten used to

of the measured looks I'd gotten used to from her, where it felt like her

from her, where it felt like her feelings were locked up tight, she'd

feelings were locked up tight, she'd looked at me with flushed cheeks and

looked at me with flushed cheeks and flashing green eyes, as if she was

flashing green eyes, as if she was engulfed in the white hot flames of her

engulfed in the white hot flames of her blazing anger. Toward me. There really

blazing anger. Toward me. There really was a fine line between love and hate.

was a fine line between love and hate. And Libbyy's rage fueled me to burn that

And Libbyy's rage fueled me to burn that line to the ground.

line to the ground. What if we rewrite the stars? Say you

What if we rewrite the stars? Say you were made to be mine.

Chapter 30. I can't see anything I don't like about

I can't see anything I don't like about you. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless

you. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,

Mind, Liz.

Liz. I drank my malt and hung out with my

I drank my malt and hung out with my friends after that. But it wasn't the

friends after that. But it wasn't the same.

same. I felt emotionally drained and didn't

I felt emotionally drained and didn't know what to do with all the thoughts

know what to do with all the thoughts that were going on in my head.

that were going on in my head. I could tell everyone wanted to know

I could tell everyone wanted to know what had just happened,

what had just happened, but I didn't want to talk about it. I

but I didn't want to talk about it. I mean, how could I talk about it when I

mean, how could I talk about it when I couldn't even make sense of it?

couldn't even make sense of it? When I took Clark back to his hotel, he

When I took Clark back to his hotel, he tried mentioning the video, but I

tried mentioning the video, but I wouldn't let him. which was ironic in

wouldn't let him. which was ironic in that when I tried going to sleep, that

that when I tried going to sleep, that video was on repeat in my head.

video was on repeat in my head. I lay there in my childhood bedroom, the

I lay there in my childhood bedroom, the same room where I'd experienced so many

same room where I'd experienced so many emotions regarding Wes over the years,

emotions regarding Wes over the years, and I heard his words over and over

and I heard his words over and over again.

again. I didn't cheat on you, Li.

I didn't cheat on you, Li. I don't know why, but sometime around

I don't know why, but sometime around midnight, I was compelled to go sit in a

midnight, I was compelled to go sit in a secret area with my wouldn't be silenced

secret area with my wouldn't be silenced thoughts.

thoughts. I knew it didn't belong to the Bennett

I knew it didn't belong to the Bennett anymore, but I also knew the new people

anymore, but I also knew the new people hadn't moved in yet, so I wasn't going

hadn't moved in yet, so I wasn't going to get arrested for being back there.

to get arrested for being back there. I quietly slipped out the patio door and

I quietly slipped out the patio door and ran through the backyard the way I'd

ran through the backyard the way I'd done so many times to meet Wes the

done so many times to meet Wes the summer after my senior year and I

summer after my senior year and I climbed over the fence.

climbed over the fence. But I wasn't ready for what I saw.

But I wasn't ready for what I saw. Oh my god.

Oh my god. Overgrown didn't even begin to describe

Overgrown didn't even begin to describe it. It was impossible to believe it was

it. It was impossible to believe it was the same place to be honest.

the same place to be honest. It was like it had reverted to its

It was like it had reverted to its former self. The wild place that lent

former self. The wild place that lent itself to epic games of hideand seek.

itself to epic games of hideand seek. It was so overgrown that it took me a

It was so overgrown that it took me a minute to even find where the fire pit

minute to even find where the fire pit was.

was. Where the space used to be an oasis, it

Where the space used to be an oasis, it was now just a crooked fire pit with a

was now just a crooked fire pit with a lawn chair sitting beside it. The

lawn chair sitting beside it. The fountain, the flowers,

fountain, the flowers, they were long forgotten.

they were long forgotten. I wasn't sure if they'd been removed or

I wasn't sure if they'd been removed or just swallowed by nature. I reached down

just swallowed by nature. I reached down and grabbed an empty bottle of Corona

and grabbed an empty bottle of Corona off the ground, wondering if that was

off the ground, wondering if that was what Wes had been drinking last night.

what Wes had been drinking last night. God, was that really only last night.

God, was that really only last night. The universe had shifted since then.

The universe had shifted since then. There was a big piece of wood in the

There was a big piece of wood in the fire pit, and I pulled the matches and

fire pit, and I pulled the matches and lighter fluid I had snagged from the

lighter fluid I had snagged from the kitchen out of my pocket.

kitchen out of my pocket. I lit a tiny fire, for some reason

I lit a tiny fire, for some reason needing the ceremonial feeling of ritual

needing the ceremonial feeling of ritual as I soaked in the dark knight.

as I soaked in the dark knight. Because I was feeling melancholy, I

Because I was feeling melancholy, I scrolled through Spotify until I found

scrolled through Spotify until I found the OG playlist,

the OG playlist, the one from senior year.

the one from senior year. I hadn't let myself get in my feels

I hadn't let myself get in my feels about Wes in a long time, but there was

about Wes in a long time, but there was no avoiding it that night.

no avoiding it that night. I turned on Adele and leaned my head

I turned on Adele and leaned my head back, looking up at the sky.

back, looking up at the sky. The night was clear. The stars were

The night was clear. The stars were bright

bright and I was utterly lost.

and I was utterly lost. Hey, kiddo.

Hey, kiddo. I looked up and my dad was climbing over

I looked up and my dad was climbing over the fence in his stupid banana pajama

the fence in his stupid banana pajama pants and Luke Steiner t-shirt.

pants and Luke Steiner t-shirt. I don't know why, but seeing him and

I don't know why, but seeing him and hearing his voice made my eyes get a

hearing his voice made my eyes get a little misty.

little misty. Tell me what happened, he said, coming

Tell me what happened, he said, coming over and dropping to the ground beside

over and dropping to the ground beside me. We could tell when you got home that

me. We could tell when you got home that you were upset, but we decided to leave

you were upset, but we decided to leave you alone.

you alone. What changed? I asked,

What changed? I asked, amused by the wonderful way my dad was

amused by the wonderful way my dad was always the same.

always the same. When I heard you sneak out the back

When I heard you sneak out the back door, I figured you needed to talk to

door, I figured you needed to talk to someone.

someone. I thought I'd volunteer as tribute.

I thought I'd volunteer as tribute. So, what happened with Wes?

So, what happened with Wes? How do you know this is about Wes? I

How do you know this is about Wes? I asked, sniffling.

asked, sniffling. He just said, "It's always about Wes,

He just said, "It's always about Wes, honey."

honey." "I don't even know where to start," I

"I don't even know where to start," I said, shaking my head.

said, shaking my head. Just start at the beginning, he said,

Just start at the beginning, he said, leaning back on his arms. I don't have

leaning back on his arms. I don't have any plans.

any plans. Okay, I said, and I just took off.

Okay, I said, and I just took off. I told him everything, then rambled to

I told him everything, then rambled to him about the way it was impossible for

him about the way it was impossible for me to reconcile my feelings.

me to reconcile my feelings. I'd had two massive revelations that

I'd had two massive revelations that night, and each brought out opposing

night, and each brought out opposing feelings.

feelings. Every time I thought about poor Wes and

Every time I thought about poor Wes and what he'd gone through, my heart was

what he'd gone through, my heart was broken for him. I was so sad for

broken for him. I was so sad for everything he'd lost. And equally sad

everything he'd lost. And equally sad that he hadn't been able to tell me. I

that he hadn't been able to tell me. I felt like somehow I failed him. That

felt like somehow I failed him. That obviously there was some reason he

obviously there was some reason he hadn't been able to open up to me.

hadn't been able to open up to me. But as soon as I think that, I get so

But as soon as I think that, I get so frustrated over what we lost because we

frustrated over what we lost because we didn't have to lose it, right?

didn't have to lose it, right? It's probably unfair to be mad at him

It's probably unfair to be mad at him for doing something he considered

for doing something he considered selfless, that he thought he was doing

selfless, that he thought he was doing for me, but it was just such a waste.

for me, but it was just such a waste. It didn't have to end.

It didn't have to end. Instead of trusting me, he made the

Instead of trusting me, he made the executive decision that I couldn't be

executive decision that I couldn't be trusted and he walked away.

trusted and he walked away. And the lie about Ashley pissed me off.

And the lie about Ashley pissed me off. I didn't feel guilty about being mad at

I didn't feel guilty about being mad at him for that because it just felt so

him for that because it just felt so childish, so arrogant that he thought I

childish, so arrogant that he thought I would never get over him unless I

would never get over him unless I thought he cheated.

thought he cheated. "So, did he apologize?"

"So, did he apologize?" my dad asked, lifting his hands to warm

my dad asked, lifting his hands to warm them by the fire. "No," I said. Or he

them by the fire. "No," I said. Or he might have said it during the fight, but

might have said it during the fight, but it wasn't an apology apology,

it wasn't an apology apology, had he? I really didn't think so.

had he? I really didn't think so. >> Did you tell him you were going to get

>> Did you tell him you were going to get back to him about this or something?

back to him about this or something? >> He asked.

>> He asked. "No," I yelled at him and left.

"No," I yelled at him and left. That made him smile a little, but he

That made him smile a little, but he said, "So then, who cares?

said, "So then, who cares? Who cares about your conflicted

Who cares about your conflicted feelings? It's okay for them to not make

feelings? It's okay for them to not make sense, and it's okay to be sad about him

sense, and it's okay to be sad about him and pissed off at him all at the same

and pissed off at him all at the same time.

time. He grabbed a stick and tossed it into

He grabbed a stick and tossed it into the fire pit. It's fine to have no idea

the fire pit. It's fine to have no idea what you think about any of it. Don't

what you think about any of it. Don't you see?

you see? You can say, "I don't know what I feel

You can say, "I don't know what I feel about him."

about him." And then just let it go.

And then just let it go. If you don't have to get back to him

If you don't have to get back to him with an answer on something, like he's

with an answer on something, like he's not asking you out or proposing

not asking you out or proposing marriage, just be confused.

marriage, just be confused. You don't have to figure this one out.

You don't have to figure this one out. "Oh my god, are you right?" I asked,

"Oh my god, are you right?" I asked, shocked that his words were somehow

shocked that his words were somehow making a lot of sense.

making a lot of sense. "I have my moments," he teased.

"I have my moments," he teased. Could I really just shrug and not come

Could I really just shrug and not come to a conclusion on my West Bennett

to a conclusion on my West Bennett feelings?

feelings? My dad hung out with me for a few more

My dad hung out with me for a few more minutes after that, but then I think he

minutes after that, but then I think he sensed I needed to be alone and he went

sensed I needed to be alone and he went inside,

inside, which left me to stare into the fire and

which left me to stare into the fire and picture Wes's face when he had said,

picture Wes's face when he had said, "There was never anyone else for me but

"There was never anyone else for me but you."

you." Q. anyone else by Joshua Basset.

Q. anyone else by Joshua Basset. He'd looked so old school Wes. The Wes

He'd looked so old school Wes. The Wes of before, the Wes who'd been my

of before, the Wes who'd been my everything.

everything. I was still in shock that he hadn't

I was still in shock that he hadn't stopped loving me and he hadn't cheated

stopped loving me and he hadn't cheated on me.

on me. I just I couldn't believe it.

I just I couldn't believe it. I knew now what he'd been going through

I knew now what he'd been going through at the time, so technically I understood

at the time, so technically I understood his motivations.

his motivations. And if I were watching this plot in a

And if I were watching this plot in a Netflix movie, I'd probably be yelling

Netflix movie, I'd probably be yelling at my TV, "He did it because he loved

at my TV, "He did it because he loved you." But it wasn't a Netflix movie. And

you." But it wasn't a Netflix movie. And I just couldn't get past the fact that

I just couldn't get past the fact that he'd completely shut down.

he'd completely shut down. Not once during our endless text

Not once during our endless text conversations and daily multiple calls

conversations and daily multiple calls did he mention his concerns.

did he mention his concerns. He told me about work and his sister and

He told me about work and his sister and his dog. And he told me he loved me, but

his dog. And he told me he loved me, but he'd never said he was worried about

he'd never said he was worried about anything at all.

anything at all. I thought everything was perfectly fine

I thought everything was perfectly fine until he dumped me out of the blue.

until he dumped me out of the blue. It's just not meant to be for us

It's just not meant to be for us anymore.

anymore. But even then, as I baldled my eyes out,

But even then, as I baldled my eyes out, I hadn't been mad.

I hadn't been mad. He'd lost his dad, and his entire world

He'd lost his dad, and his entire world had changed. Of course, our relationship

had changed. Of course, our relationship wasn't his priority.

wasn't his priority. I'd been devastated, yes,

I'd been devastated, yes, and surprised by how cold he'd sounded,

and surprised by how cold he'd sounded, but in my heart, I'd known it wasn't

but in my heart, I'd known it wasn't permanent.

permanent. Eventually, we'd find our way back to

Eventually, we'd find our way back to each other again.

each other again. I'd been certain of it.

I'd been certain of it. Silly little love lover.

Silly little love lover. And then I learned he'd been cheating on

And then I learned he'd been cheating on me with Ashley.

me with Ashley. I'd hated him for that for so long that

I'd hated him for that for so long that it felt like it was part of me now.

it felt like it was part of me now. My name's Liz. I have red hair and I

My name's Liz. I have red hair and I hate Wes Bennett.

hate Wes Bennett. So now I was supposed to not only be

So now I was supposed to not only be done with hating him, but accept the

done with hating him, but accept the fact that he treated me that way to save

fact that he treated me that way to save me from myself.

me from myself. On paper, it sounded possible, but I

On paper, it sounded possible, but I wasn't sure that it was

wasn't sure that it was because it hurt my feelings if I was

because it hurt my feelings if I was being honest. That he hadn't been able

being honest. That he hadn't been able to talk to me. That he'd been going

to talk to me. That he'd been going through hell on the down low.

through hell on the down low. Had he faked our every exchange after he

Had he faked our every exchange after he went home then when we were laughing

went home then when we were laughing together on FaceTime and talking about

together on FaceTime and talking about how we couldn't wait until I came home

how we couldn't wait until I came home for Christmas.

for Christmas. Was it all an act on his part? Like a

Was it all an act on his part? Like a put on a brave face so the kids won't

put on a brave face so the kids won't know type of situation.

know type of situation. It also stung that he obviously saw me

It also stung that he obviously saw me as someone who'd just abandon all her

as someone who'd just abandon all her goals and aspirations in the name of

goals and aspirations in the name of love. I'd always assumed he saw me as

love. I'd always assumed he saw me as strong,

strong, as someone with a little drive, but

as someone with a little drive, but apparently he saw me as a wideeyed,

apparently he saw me as a wideeyed, lovesick girl who'd blindly follow him

lovesick girl who'd blindly follow him around for the rest of my life until I

around for the rest of my life until I was stopped. And man, had he stopped me.

was stopped. And man, had he stopped me. I was still driving myself crazy with

I was still driving myself crazy with this emotional loop when I finally went

this emotional loop when I finally went to sleep.

to sleep. But I felt better about everything in

But I felt better about everything in the morning, thank God.

the morning, thank God. My dad's simple statement changed my

My dad's simple statement changed my entire outlook

entire outlook because he was right. I didn't have to

because he was right. I didn't have to understand my feelings about Wes.

understand my feelings about Wes. Technically, they didn't even matter. We

Technically, they didn't even matter. We weren't dating. We weren't really even

weren't dating. We weren't really even friends. So, it was okay to be

friends. So, it was okay to be conflicted.

conflicted. There was no one waiting for me to pass

There was no one waiting for me to pass down my final decision to render my

down my final decision to render my judgment on West Bennett's sins.

judgment on West Bennett's sins. It was okay for me to ache for what he

It was okay for me to ache for what he went through. And it was okay for me to

went through. And it was okay for me to want to punch him for giving up on us.

want to punch him for giving up on us. Really, my dad was right.

Really, my dad was right. Nobody cares.

Nobody cares. Helena went on a crispy cream run while

Helena went on a crispy cream run while I showered. So, I got to wolf down a

I showered. So, I got to wolf down a couple of donuts before we left for the

couple of donuts before we left for the airport. We picked up Clark and Lilith

airport. We picked up Clark and Lilith on the way. And when I hugged my dad

on the way. And when I hugged my dad goodbye in the departure drop off lane,

goodbye in the departure drop off lane, he solidified my okayess by repeating

he solidified my okayess by repeating his statement, but in a different font.

his statement, but in a different font. Remember, you don't have to overanalyze

Remember, you don't have to overanalyze the past. Just live your now life.

the past. Just live your now life. I love you, I said, squeezing him while

I love you, I said, squeezing him while wishing we could have stayed longer.

wishing we could have stayed longer. Love you too, kiddo, he said.

Love you too, kiddo, he said. You're coming home for Christmas, you

You're coming home for Christmas, you little snot," Helena said with a smile

little snot," Helena said with a smile while she cried. "So don't even try to

while she cried. "So don't even try to get out of it." "I won't," I said,

get out of it." "I won't," I said, wrapping her in a hug while knowing I'd

wrapping her in a hug while knowing I'd never want to stay away again.

never want to stay away again. Clark tried bringing up Wes on the

Clark tried bringing up Wes on the plane, but he was cool when I told him I

plane, but he was cool when I told him I didn't want to talk about it. All my

didn't want to talk about it. All my roommates seemed to respect my need for

roommates seemed to respect my need for privacy on this after I got back, which

privacy on this after I got back, which was surprising when they were usually

was surprising when they were usually all over my business.

all over my business. I was able to spend the rest of the

I was able to spend the rest of the weekend getting caught up on my studies,

weekend getting caught up on my studies, and it was wonderful.

and it was wonderful. But on Sunday, as I sat at a table on

But on Sunday, as I sat at a table on the Kirchoff patio, trying my damnedest

the Kirchoff patio, trying my damnedest to study for my copyright law exam, Wes

to study for my copyright law exam, Wes was back on my mind.

was back on my mind. It was a gorgeous day. The trees giving

It was a gorgeous day. The trees giving me the perfect amount of shade as the

me the perfect amount of shade as the patio buzzed with students. And I should

patio buzzed with students. And I should have been having one of those top 10

have been having one of those top 10 studying on campus kinds of days. It was

studying on campus kinds of days. It was like a damn postcard for fall semester

like a damn postcard for fall semester out there.

out there. But I wasn't seeing any of it. Not

But I wasn't seeing any of it. Not really.

really. Because Wes kept popping into my head.

Because Wes kept popping into my head. There was never anyone else for me but

There was never anyone else for me but you.

you. I thought you were studying.

I thought you were studying. Campbell sat down with a coffee and

Campbell sat down with a coffee and said, "It looks like you're just staring

said, "It looks like you're just staring into space with your mouth wide open."

into space with your mouth wide open." "What?" I blinked slow on the uptake.

"What?" I blinked slow on the uptake. "Oh, no. I was just thinking."

"Oh, no. I was just thinking." Hey, has Wade asked you for my number

Hey, has Wade asked you for my number yet?

yet? She was actually kind of interested in

She was actually kind of interested in the mildly obnoxious first baseman, but

the mildly obnoxious first baseman, but she refused to engage until he took the

she refused to engage until he took the time to get her number from me and

time to get her number from me and actually call for a date. She said she

actually call for a date. She said she didn't have time for boys who only chase

didn't have time for boys who only chase me at parties where they think they

me at parties where they think they might score. And so far, she was making

might score. And so far, she was making the right call

the right call because he never asked me about her when

because he never asked me about her when he was sober.

he was sober. Nope, I said. I saw him at practice

Nope, I said. I saw him at practice earlier, but he was busy. Sorry.

earlier, but he was busy. Sorry. It's fine, she said, taking out her

It's fine, she said, taking out her laptop and acting like she didn't care,

laptop and acting like she didn't care, even though I knew she was disappointed.

even though I knew she was disappointed. For someone who was beautiful and smart

For someone who was beautiful and smart and ridiculously talented on a soccer

and ridiculously talented on a soccer field, she was shy when it came to guys.

field, she was shy when it came to guys. I'm pretty sure he's an [ __ ] Anyway,

I'm pretty sure he's an [ __ ] Anyway, my phone buzzed and when I picked it up

my phone buzzed and when I picked it up off the table, I couldn't believe my

off the table, I couldn't believe my eyes. It was Wes.

eyes. It was Wes. Wes.

Wes. Hi.

Hi. I stared at the message, my brain

I stared at the message, my brain misfiring and shooting screaming

misfiring and shooting screaming fireworks out my ears as I struggled to

fireworks out my ears as I struggled to figure out what to even say.

figure out what to even say. How did he expect me to respond to his

How did he expect me to respond to his stupid hi message? I mean, what even was

stupid hi message? I mean, what even was that? Hi. Like we were pals and he would

that? Hi. Like we were pals and he would just text me hi whenever he wanted to.

just text me hi whenever he wanted to. Hi.

Hi. Another buzz.

Another buzz. Wes,

Wes, obviously you don't know how to respond

obviously you don't know how to respond and that's fine.

and that's fine. Wes, I just wanted to say hi because

Wes, I just wanted to say hi because you're on my mind.

you're on my mind. Wes, have a great day. Also, I just

Wes, have a great day. Also, I just listened to You Could Start a Cult by

listened to You Could Start a Cult by Lizzy and Nile, and if you haven't

Lizzy and Nile, and if you haven't heard, it seems like a book bomb song,

heard, it seems like a book bomb song, and he dropped a link.

and he dropped a link. Damn him. How could he possibly know? I

Damn him. How could he possibly know? I grated my teeth and texted.

grated my teeth and texted. A little too sweet for my tastes, but

A little too sweet for my tastes, but thanks.

thanks. But because it was Wes, my message

But because it was Wes, my message stopped nothing.

stopped nothing. Wes,

Wes, it's a gorgeous song. Are you kidding me

it's a gorgeous song. Are you kidding me right now? I replied,

right now? I replied, I didn't say it isn't a good song. I

I didn't say it isn't a good song. I said it's not for me.

said it's not for me. Wes,

Wes, liar.

liar. I absolutely was lying. But it irked me

I absolutely was lying. But it irked me the way he acted like he knew what I

the way he acted like he knew what I liked when there was no way that he

liked when there was no way that he could.

could. Alexa, play Hate That You Know Me by

Alexa, play Hate That You Know Me by Bleachers.

Bleachers. I texted.

I texted. I'm kind of busy right now. Did you need

I'm kind of busy right now. Did you need something?

something? The phone buzzed almost immediately. And

The phone buzzed almost immediately. And when I looked down, butterflies went

when I looked down, butterflies went wild in my stomach.

wild in my stomach. Wes.

Wes. Oh, honey. You have no idea.

Oh, honey. You have no idea. My head was about to explode as I read

My head was about to explode as I read it. Then read it again, wondering why it

it. Then read it again, wondering why it was so hot in there and then realizing I

was so hot in there and then realizing I was outside.

was outside. Thankfully, I didn't have to respond

Thankfully, I didn't have to respond because he added,

because he added, "But for now, I'll leave you alone."

"But for now, I'll leave you alone." Later, Lib

Chapter 31. I was born to kiss you. Only you.

I was born to kiss you. Only you. Wes,

Wes, stop laughing. I can't, though. Mickey

stop laughing. I can't, though. Mickey popped up from his squat behind home

popped up from his squat behind home plate and threw back the 10 balls that

plate and threw back the 10 balls that been in the dirt beside him, shaking his

been in the dirt beside him, shaking his head with his stupid grin on his face.

head with his stupid grin on his face. She's going to destroy you. No, she's

She's going to destroy you. No, she's not. Yeah, she probably was, but not for

not. Yeah, she probably was, but not for the reasons he thought. I caught each

the reasons he thought. I caught each ball and dropped them on the mound by my

ball and dropped them on the mound by my feet, wiping my forehead with the back

feet, wiping my forehead with the back of my arm. It was already hot and humid,

of my arm. It was already hot and humid, and it wasn't even 9:00 yet. I'd

and it wasn't even 9:00 yet. I'd convinced Mick to break into the high

convinced Mick to break into the high school field down the street with me,

school field down the street with me, even though it was Sunday, because I

even though it was Sunday, because I wanted to test myself.

wanted to test myself. And so far, so good. I have a full-scale

And so far, so good. I have a full-scale offensive plan that is guaranteed to get

offensive plan that is guaranteed to get me in the door. I informed him, so ready

me in the door. I informed him, so ready to go hard with this. A brilliant,

to go hard with this. A brilliant, carefully crafted plan that is

carefully crafted plan that is failproof.

failproof. He dropped back down and held out his

He dropped back down and held out his glove. Sounds stupid. You sounds stupid.

glove. Sounds stupid. You sounds stupid. I flipped the ball, running my index

I flipped the ball, running my index finger along the seam before taking a

finger along the seam before taking a deep breath. Seriously, you're going to

deep breath. Seriously, you're going to try too hard. The thing is, I know Liz

try too hard. The thing is, I know Liz because we grew up together, I said

because we grew up together, I said before winding up and letting loose with

before winding up and letting loose with a fast ball. I know what she likes and

a fast ball. I know what she likes and how she thinks because I've known her

how she thinks because I've known her since kindergarten. And I know that if I

since kindergarten. And I know that if I go big on the romantic gestures, it's

go big on the romantic gestures, it's only a matter of time before she goes

only a matter of time before she goes out with me. "Dude," he said, dropping

out with me. "Dude," he said, dropping the ball he'd caught and holding out his

the ball he'd caught and holding out his glove to catch another. "She must have

glove to catch another. "She must have changed since you knew her, because no

changed since you knew her, because no way would Bxy like that romantic

way would Bxy like that romantic bullshit."

bullshit." I threw hard, relishing the smack of the

I threw hard, relishing the smack of the ball-hitting mixed glove. And though he

ball-hitting mixed glove. And though he might have a point, obviously we'd both

might have a point, obviously we'd both changed over the course of two years, I

changed over the course of two years, I was confident her romantic side was

was confident her romantic side was still alive and kicking, just buried

still alive and kicking, just buried underneath the surface. "No offense," I

underneath the surface. "No offense," I said as I grabbed another ball. "But I

said as I grabbed another ball. "But I know what I'm doing." "My apologies," he

know what I'm doing." "My apologies," he said, sounding anything but sorry. "So

said, sounding anything but sorry. "So tell me about this brilliant plan,

tell me about this brilliant plan, Einstein." I threw a curveball, watching

Einstein." I threw a curveball, watching it drop over the plate. For starters,

it drop over the plate. For starters, I'm going to need to borrow your car

I'm going to need to borrow your car tomorrow night. No way, he said as he

tomorrow night. No way, he said as he caught it. I'll drive you somewhere, but

caught it. I'll drive you somewhere, but no one borrows Alice. Do I want to know

no one borrows Alice. Do I want to know why your car has an old lady name? Don't

why your car has an old lady name? Don't bismerch my ride, you dick. He pushed up

bismerch my ride, you dick. He pushed up his mask. Where do you need to go? I

his mask. Where do you need to go? I started telling him my plan, the perfect

started telling him my plan, the perfect romantic plan to sweep Liz off her feet,

romantic plan to sweep Liz off her feet, and he started laughing again. hard, as

and he started laughing again. hard, as in so hard that he couldn't stay upright

in so hard that he couldn't stay upright and ended up sitting on his ass in the

and ended up sitting on his ass in the dirt, cracking up. "You're an asshole,"

dirt, cracking up. "You're an asshole," I said, even though I was laughing, too.

I said, even though I was laughing, too. "An [ __ ] who can't wait to drive you

"An [ __ ] who can't wait to drive you to Liz's," he said, wiping his eyes.

to Liz's," he said, wiping his eyes. "This is going to be the most

"This is going to be the most entertaining spectacle I've ever

entertaining spectacle I've ever witnessed." I flipped him off unfazed

witnessed." I flipped him off unfazed because I had confidence.

because I had confidence. I didn't know much, but I knew Liz. I

I didn't know much, but I knew Liz. I knew if I was ever going to have a

knew if I was ever going to have a chance at getting her back, I needed to

chance at getting her back, I needed to apologize and show her that I could

apologize and show her that I could still be the guy she fell in love with 2

still be the guy she fell in love with 2 years ago. That I was the same guy. And

years ago. That I was the same guy. And what better way to apologize to

what better way to apologize to Elizabeth Bucksbomb than with hundreds

Elizabeth Bucksbomb than with hundreds of flowers?

of flowers? I mean, did I discover the following day

I mean, did I discover the following day that 200 daisies were a hell of a lot

that 200 daisies were a hell of a lot more than I'd pictured? Yes. Did I look

more than I'd pictured? Yes. Did I look like an idiot wheeling a cart

like an idiot wheeling a cart overflowing with flowers down Gaye

overflowing with flowers down Gaye Avenue? Also, yes. But I didn't care

Avenue? Also, yes. But I didn't care because I knew it would work. It

because I knew it would work. It wouldn't win her over, but it would work

wouldn't win her over, but it would work to soften her. It had to work. "How the

to soften her. It had to work. "How the hell do you think we're going to fit

hell do you think we're going to fit those in here?" Mick yelled, getting out

those in here?" Mick yelled, getting out and coming around the back of his Mazda.

and coming around the back of his Mazda. "Pop the trunk. We're going to jam them

"Pop the trunk. We're going to jam them in," I said. "Won't that crush them?" I

in," I said. "Won't that crush them?" I only need the pedals, I said, gesturing

only need the pedals, I said, gesturing for him to open the trunk. So, it's fine

for him to open the trunk. So, it's fine for them to get smooshed.

for them to get smooshed. You've officially lost it, he laughed,

You've officially lost it, he laughed, reaching into the cart and grabbing an

reaching into the cart and grabbing an armful of daisies.

armful of daisies. After getting the flowers crammed in the

After getting the flowers crammed in the trunk, we had to stop at two different

trunk, we had to stop at two different dollar stores for a crap ton of candles.

dollar stores for a crap ton of candles. They didn't have enough at the first

They didn't have enough at the first one. And by the time we got back to the

one. And by the time we got back to the dorms, he notified Wade, Eli, and AJ,

dorms, he notified Wade, Eli, and AJ, who were all waiting in my room with

who were all waiting in my room with cameras and mockery. "Well, would you

cameras and mockery. "Well, would you look at little Wessie?" Wade yelled as I

look at little Wessie?" Wade yelled as I came inside and dropped a few bunches of

came inside and dropped a few bunches of flowers onto the table. "Is he the

flowers onto the table. "Is he the sweetest or what?" "Screw you," I said,

sweetest or what?" "Screw you," I said, going back out to get more flowers. "I

going back out to get more flowers. "I can't believe this is for Buxy," Eli

can't believe this is for Buxy," Eli said, shaking his head. Where are you

said, shaking his head. Where are you going to put all those things? Bend over

going to put all those things? Bend over and I'll show you. I said, quoting Clark

and I'll show you. I said, quoting Clark Griswald as I hold in the rest of the

Griswald as I hold in the rest of the daisies. It's like a prom posal up in

daisies. It's like a prom posal up in here. I heard Wade say to AJ. I can't

here. I heard Wade say to AJ. I can't believe what I'm seeing. I couldn't

believe what I'm seeing. I couldn't either, to be honest. But the joke was

either, to be honest. But the joke was on them because I didn't give a damn. I

on them because I didn't give a damn. I was bringing everything I had and

was bringing everything I had and leaving it all on the field or on the

leaving it all on the field or on the balcony in this instance.

balcony in this instance. Once I'd unloaded all the daisies, I put

Once I'd unloaded all the daisies, I put on headphones and cranked the playlist

on headphones and cranked the playlist Liz made for me after prom as I sat on

Liz made for me after prom as I sat on the floor and started plucking pedals.

the floor and started plucking pedals. Feel you now was suddenly like my

Feel you now was suddenly like my crafting pumpup music. And it also

crafting pumpup music. And it also served to tune out my friends who were

served to tune out my friends who were taking photos as I worked and calling me

taking photos as I worked and calling me sweetheart.

sweetheart. They promised not to post them until

They promised not to post them until after I swept her off her feet, so it

after I swept her off her feet, so it was fine. By the time I was done, I had

was fine. By the time I was done, I had a few gallonsized baggies full of white

a few gallonsized baggies full of white pedals, a few gallonsized baggies full

pedals, a few gallonsized baggies full of yellow petals, marker stained

of yellow petals, marker stained fingers, and a stomach full of nerves.

fingers, and a stomach full of nerves. So, yeah, I was ready. Once it was dark

So, yeah, I was ready. Once it was dark outside, I loaded everything except the

outside, I loaded everything except the bouquet of hot pink Gerber daisies into

bouquet of hot pink Gerber daisies into my biggest backpack. And Mick drove me

my biggest backpack. And Mick drove me to Liz's apartment building. I knew

to Liz's apartment building. I knew exactly which balcony was theirs. I'd

exactly which balcony was theirs. I'd staked it out with Mick on the way to

staked it out with Mick on the way to Flowers, and I also knew it was an easy

Flowers, and I also knew it was an easy climb up to the second floor. Thank God

climb up to the second floor. Thank God the fancy building had garden level

the fancy building had garden level apartments because that meant the second

apartments because that meant the second floor wasn't so high that I was risking

floor wasn't so high that I was risking my life. I was merely risking broken

my life. I was merely risking broken bones.

bones. AJ had a class with Campbell apparently,

AJ had a class with Campbell apparently, so he helped me out by texting, "I need

so he helped me out by texting, "I need a favor, no questions asked." To which

a favor, no questions asked." To which Campbell responded, "Tell me what I'm

Campbell responded, "Tell me what I'm doing." She'd agreed to make sure Liz's

doing." She'd agreed to make sure Liz's drapes would be closed while I worked.

drapes would be closed while I worked. And then as soon as I finished, Liz

And then as soon as I finished, Liz would be sent out onto the balcony,

would be sent out onto the balcony, wherein she would see my display. Then

wherein she would see my display. Then she'd looked down and see me standing

she'd looked down and see me standing below with my Love Actually knockoff

below with my Love Actually knockoff posters. My Sharpie words weren't

posters. My Sharpie words weren't necessarily romcom worthy sentiments,

necessarily romcom worthy sentiments, but I felt like they were us, and I

but I felt like they were us, and I wanted to make her soften more than I

wanted to make her soften more than I wanted to breathe. Mick parked the car,

wanted to breathe. Mick parked the car, so I strapped on the backpack and

so I strapped on the backpack and grabbed the bouquet. "You sure about

grabbed the bouquet. "You sure about this, Bennett?" he asked, half smiling

this, Bennett?" he asked, half smiling like he still couldn't believe I was

like he still couldn't believe I was doing it. "Yes," I said. "You can take

doing it. "Yes," I said. "You can take off." "And thanks, by the way. And you

off." "And thanks, by the way. And you don't want me to stay?" He eyeballed me

don't want me to stay?" He eyeballed me like I was making a big mistake. "Just

like I was making a big mistake. "Just in case uh anything goes wrong." Nah,

in case uh anything goes wrong." Nah, I'm good, I said, hoping that was true,

I'm good, I said, hoping that was true, hoping she'd let me in after the big

hoping she'd let me in after the big moment so he could talk and I could

moment so he could talk and I could apologize.

apologize. Okay, then. He gave me a little smile

Okay, then. He gave me a little smile and said, "Good luck, man." I watched

and said, "Good luck, man." I watched him pull away and then it hit me that it

him pull away and then it hit me that it was a little nerve-wracking actually

was a little nerve-wracking actually doing it. The back of the building was

doing it. The back of the building was dark and quiet, like everyone had

dark and quiet, like everyone had already gone to bed, and I sincerely

already gone to bed, and I sincerely hoped I wouldn't die, get my ass kicked,

hoped I wouldn't die, get my ass kicked, or get mauled by an angry Rottweiler.

or get mauled by an angry Rottweiler. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a guy

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a guy on the garden floor of the other

on the garden floor of the other building doing something outside his

building doing something outside his sunken patio. "Go to bed, dude." He

sunken patio. "Go to bed, dude." He looked like he was watering plants,

looked like he was watering plants, maybe. He seemed focused on his work,

maybe. He seemed focused on his work, unaware of my presence. So hopefully he

unaware of my presence. So hopefully he stayed on task and didn't notice the

stayed on task and didn't notice the [ __ ] scaling the building next to his.

[ __ ] scaling the building next to his. I looked up at Liz's balcony. O, it

I looked up at Liz's balcony. O, it definitely looked higher when you were

definitely looked higher when you were about to climb up to it. I took a deep

about to climb up to it. I took a deep breath, said a little prayer, then got

breath, said a little prayer, then got to work. I walked over to the garden

to work. I walked over to the garden apartment that was below Liz's, and

apartment that was below Liz's, and stepped on the railing. My shoe made a

stepped on the railing. My shoe made a noise, the ring of hollow rot iron being

noise, the ring of hollow rot iron being kicked, and I quickly grabbed the gutter

kicked, and I quickly grabbed the gutter and stepped onto the limestone that

and stepped onto the limestone that jutted out from the building's facade.

jutted out from the building's facade. I definitely didn't want to linger in

I definitely didn't want to linger in front of someone's balcony after dark

front of someone's balcony after dark and get accused of being a peeping tom

and get accused of being a peeping tom or worse. What the? I glanced down when

or worse. What the? I glanced down when I heard those words, but I couldn't see

I heard those words, but I couldn't see anyone. So hopefully that was just the

anyone. So hopefully that was just the sound of someone talking inside their

sound of someone talking inside their apartment with the window open. My heart

apartment with the window open. My heart started pounding as I climbed farther up

started pounding as I climbed farther up the limestone, using the gutter for

the limestone, using the gutter for balance. When I got close enough to kick

balance. When I got close enough to kick a leg out onto Liz's balcony, I damn

a leg out onto Liz's balcony, I damn near had a heart attack when I looked

near had a heart attack when I looked below because I'd miscalculated.

below because I'd miscalculated. I was definitely high enough to fall to

I was definitely high enough to fall to my death. [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] I threw my

my death. [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] I threw my weight over and landed on her balcony a

weight over and landed on her balcony a little harder than I would have liked,

little harder than I would have liked, but thankfully it had a concrete pad

but thankfully it had a concrete pad that absorbed the sound. pulse pounding,

that absorbed the sound. pulse pounding, I took off the backpack, unzipped it,

I took off the backpack, unzipped it, and started getting busy. I set out the

and started getting busy. I set out the candles one by one, lining them up to

candles one by one, lining them up to form a heart, and then a larger heart

form a heart, and then a larger heart around it. Once I finished that, I

around it. Once I finished that, I opened the daisy petals and sprinkled

opened the daisy petals and sprinkled the white inside the smaller heart and

the white inside the smaller heart and the yellow inside the bigger heart. I

the yellow inside the bigger heart. I stood back to look, and dear Lord, it

stood back to look, and dear Lord, it looked good. "Liz will love this," I

looked good. "Liz will love this," I thought as I took a quick photo and put

thought as I took a quick photo and put my phone away.

my phone away. The nerves were still there, but now

The nerves were still there, but now they were joined by excitement. It's

they were joined by excitement. It's going to work. I pulled the big lighter

going to work. I pulled the big lighter from the backpack, leaned down, and

from the backpack, leaned down, and started lighting the votives, which

started lighting the votives, which looked amazing in the darkness. What are

looked amazing in the darkness. What are you doing up there?

you doing up there? [ __ ]

[ __ ] I glanced down and the guy from the

I glanced down and the guy from the garden level was looking up at me from

garden level was looking up at me from below with a scowl on his face and

below with a scowl on his face and something in his hand. Is that a hose?

something in his hand. Is that a hose? It was too dark to tell from where I

It was too dark to tell from where I was. "Sh," I said, holding up my hand.

was. "Sh," I said, holding up my hand. "He's trying to start a fire," the guy

"He's trying to start a fire," the guy yelled, and I realized the lighter was

yelled, and I realized the lighter was in my hand, the orange tip flickering in

in my hand, the orange tip flickering in the dark. "No, I'm not." I released the

the dark. "No, I'm not." I released the button on the lighter, trying to yell

button on the lighter, trying to yell down at the guy while also being quiet.

down at the guy while also being quiet. Something with a motor was humming now,

Something with a motor was humming now, so I felt like he couldn't hear me, but

so I felt like he couldn't hear me, but I also didn't want to alert Liz to my

I also didn't want to alert Liz to my presence. Christ, I'm My words were

presence. Christ, I'm My words were stopped by his pressure washer. His

stopped by his pressure washer. His [ __ ] pressure washer. That was the

[ __ ] pressure washer. That was the humming.

humming. The guy pointed up with his pressure

The guy pointed up with his pressure washer and sprayed me, the deck, the

washer and sprayed me, the deck, the candles. [ __ ]

candles. [ __ ] It was nearly impossible for me to see

It was nearly impossible for me to see as he exfoliated my [ __ ] head. But

as he exfoliated my [ __ ] head. But that highressured water wiped out the

that highressured water wiped out the flower petals and blew out the candles.

flower petals and blew out the candles. "Will you stop it?" I whisper yelled,

"Will you stop it?" I whisper yelled, trying to see while getting my face

trying to see while getting my face waterboarded by a [ __ ] with a

waterboarded by a [ __ ] with a pressure hose. I stumbled, kicking over

pressure hose. I stumbled, kicking over candles, trying to shield my eyes with

candles, trying to shield my eyes with my hand as I said, I'm not trying to

my hand as I said, I'm not trying to What's going on? A woman appeared beside

What's going on? A woman appeared beside him, squinting up at the balcony while

him, squinting up at the balcony while holding out her phone. "Is there another

holding out her phone. "Is there another possum?" "There's an arsonist!" he

possum?" "There's an arsonist!" he yelled. "Yeah, I was pretty sure I was

yelled. "Yeah, I was pretty sure I was having a heart attack as my entire body

having a heart attack as my entire body went numb. [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] This was

went numb. [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] This was not going the way I had imagined. I had

not going the way I had imagined. I had imagined falling to my death, but hadn't

imagined falling to my death, but hadn't imagined getting fingered for arson.

imagined getting fingered for arson. I needed to get the hell out of there.

I needed to get the hell out of there. House on fire. Smartass mental playlist

House on fire. Smartass mental playlist [ __ ] Screamed through my head as I

[ __ ] Screamed through my head as I threw my backpack over one shoulder,

threw my backpack over one shoulder, climbed over to the gutter, and turned

climbed over to the gutter, and turned sideways so I was partially hidden by

sideways so I was partially hidden by the corner of the building. It was no

the corner of the building. It was no use, though, because they were staring

use, though, because they were staring at me. She was filming for the love of

at me. She was filming for the love of God as I navigated that gutter like I

God as I navigated that gutter like I actually was a possum. The building had

actually was a possum. The building had a security light that was serving as my

a security light that was serving as my spotlight and I wasn't sure how this

spotlight and I wasn't sure how this could get much worse. But then my foot

could get much worse. But then my foot slipped. My foot slipped and I started

slipped. My foot slipped and I started falling. Thankfully, I landed in an

falling. Thankfully, I landed in an overgrown bush so I didn't die. But my

overgrown bush so I didn't die. But my ankle killed as I scrambled to my feet

ankle killed as I scrambled to my feet and started sprinting down the street,

and started sprinting down the street, running away like the criminal I was. I

running away like the criminal I was. I didn't stop for at least three blocks,

didn't stop for at least three blocks, hop running on a wrecked ankle until I

hop running on a wrecked ankle until I hit a busy intersection where I felt

hit a busy intersection where I felt safe enough to call Mick to come pick me

safe enough to call Mick to come pick me up. By the time he got there, my ankle

up. By the time he got there, my ankle had swelled to an ugly size. "Thanks for

had swelled to an ugly size. "Thanks for coming, man," I said, opening his

coming, man," I said, opening his passenger door. "What the hell happened

passenger door. "What the hell happened to you?" he asked, his eyes huge as he

to you?" he asked, his eyes huge as he looked at my ankle, the scratches all

looked at my ankle, the scratches all over my legs from the bush's thorns, my

over my legs from the bush's thorns, my wet clothes, and my soaked hair. You

wet clothes, and my soaked hair. You wouldn't believe it, I said, climbing

wouldn't believe it, I said, climbing inside and shutting the door. Did Liz do

inside and shutting the door. Did Liz do this to you? He asked, turning down the

this to you? He asked, turning down the radio. No, I said, but I have a feeling

radio. No, I said, but I have a feeling she would have enjoyed the spectacle.

she would have enjoyed the spectacle. I was in a crap mood for the rest of the

I was in a crap mood for the rest of the night after my plan imploded. But I

night after my plan imploded. But I realized, as the guys mocked me

realized, as the guys mocked me incessantly for being a lovesick [ __ ]

incessantly for being a lovesick [ __ ] that it was nice to fail with friends.

that it was nice to fail with friends. After a couple years of being alone

After a couple years of being alone while also being proverbally pressure

while also being proverbally pressure washed by life, it sucked a little less

washed by life, it sucked a little less when you had friends to mock you for it.

when you had friends to mock you for it. The next morning, after I finished

The next morning, after I finished lifting and getting chewed out by

lifting and getting chewed out by multiple coaches for screwing around and

multiple coaches for screwing around and spraining my ankle and was headed for

spraining my ankle and was headed for the exit, I saw her. I'd never be sure

the exit, I saw her. I'd never be sure if she was my type. Have I always had a

if she was my type. Have I always had a fondness for red heads with green eyes?

fondness for red heads with green eyes? Or if she created my type?

Or if she created my type? She was the prototype.

She was the prototype. There was only her. She was walking

There was only her. She was walking toward the door, her eyes on her phone,

toward the door, her eyes on her phone, and she almost ran into me. And I

and she almost ran into me. And I totally would have let her. Run me down,

totally would have let her. Run me down, Lib. She sort of glanced up, muttering,

Lib. She sort of glanced up, muttering, "Excuse me." under her breath. But then

"Excuse me." under her breath. But then her eyes snapped to focus on me. "In a

her eyes snapped to focus on me. "In a hurry, Lib," I said, my hand slightly

hurry, Lib," I said, my hand slightly brushing over her arm to steady her so

brushing over her arm to steady her so she didn't stumble. Yeah, she said,

she didn't stumble. Yeah, she said, looking like she had a lot of thoughts

looking like she had a lot of thoughts running around in her head. She had a

running around in her head. She had a crinkle between her eyebrows, and I

crinkle between her eyebrows, and I wondered what she knew about my epic

wondered what she knew about my epic fail last night. Did she know anything

fail last night. Did she know anything at all, or had she not even opened her

at all, or had she not even opened her blind since I'd taken a dive off the

blind since I'd taken a dive off the building? I didn't know, but I didn't

building? I didn't know, but I didn't want to. See you later, then, I said,

want to. See you later, then, I said, walking toward the door. The entire

walking toward the door. The entire exchange had lasted 3 seconds. Four max.

exchange had lasted 3 seconds. Four max. So why did I feel so alive? Like the

So why did I feel so alive? Like the world was spinning faster now that we'd

world was spinning faster now that we'd had contact. Wes, wait. Any other time

had contact. Wes, wait. Any other time the sound of Liz calling me back would

the sound of Liz calling me back would have made me ecstatic. But I just knew

have made me ecstatic. But I just knew this couldn't be good. Yeah, I said

this couldn't be good. Yeah, I said casually as if last night hadn't

casually as if last night hadn't happened. How does she have such perfect

happened. How does she have such perfect lips?

lips? She looked down at my wrapped ankle.

She looked down at my wrapped ankle. "What happened to your ankle?" "What do

"What happened to your ankle?" "What do you mean?" I asked. "That's brilliant,

you mean?" I asked. "That's brilliant, you dipshit." "It's wrapped," she said,

you dipshit." "It's wrapped," she said, her green eyes full of calling me out as

her green eyes full of calling me out as she looked up at me. "Had she gotten

she looked up at me. "Had she gotten shorter, or had I grown?" "It was a

shorter, or had I grown?" "It was a ludicrous thought, but the way we fit

ludicrous thought, but the way we fit was second nature to me, like memory

was second nature to me, like memory foam, and her head was tilted back a

foam, and her head was tilted back a fraction more than it used to be.

fraction more than it used to be. Did you injure yourself?

Did you injure yourself? Hell, yes, I'd injured myself. But what

Hell, yes, I'd injured myself. But what was I supposed to say? What does she

was I supposed to say? What does she know?

know? I fell, I said lamely, shrugging like it

I fell, I said lamely, shrugging like it was a common occurrence for me to just

was a common occurrence for me to just [ __ ] fall on the regular. Yeah, she

[ __ ] fall on the regular. Yeah, she said, narrowing her eyes. It seems like

said, narrowing her eyes. It seems like there's a lot of that going around. Last

there's a lot of that going around. Last night, the weirdest thing happened at my

night, the weirdest thing happened at my apartment. Here it comes. Really? Yeah,

apartment. Here it comes. Really? Yeah, she said, rubbing her lips together as

she said, rubbing her lips together as she looked up at me. So, our crazy

she looked up at me. So, our crazy neighbor came to the door and said there

neighbor came to the door and said there was someone on our balcony trying to

was someone on our balcony trying to start a fire. [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] No [ __ ]

start a fire. [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] No [ __ ] She tilted her head, her eyes still

She tilted her head, her eyes still accusing me. No [ __ ] There was no one

accusing me. No [ __ ] There was no one out there, and this guy is kind of known

out there, and this guy is kind of known as bonkers anyway, right? There was no

as bonkers anyway, right? There was no way she didn't know, right? I mean, was

way she didn't know, right? I mean, was there a chance she was just telling me

there a chance she was just telling me about it and had no idea it was me? No

about it and had no idea it was me? No way could I be that lucky. But then

way could I be that lucky. But then Bonker's wife says she has a video.

Bonker's wife says she has a video. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, really. She bit down on her lip and I

really. She bit down on her lip and I swear to God it looked like she wanted

swear to God it looked like she wanted to smile when she said, "Really? It's a

to smile when she said, "Really? It's a video of some guy falling off the

video of some guy falling off the gutter." She knew. I knew she knew. Yet

gutter." She knew. I knew she knew. Yet I still said weird. Her lips turned up

I still said weird. Her lips turned up into a tiny grin and she shook her head.

into a tiny grin and she shook her head. What's even weirder is that he looks

What's even weirder is that he looks young, like my age, and he's got a

young, like my age, and he's got a Bruins baseball bag strapped to his

Bruins baseball bag strapped to his back.

back. That is weird. Come on. Maybe he was

That is weird. Come on. Maybe he was trying to pull off some amazing romantic

trying to pull off some amazing romantic gesture.

gesture. Maybe he was acting like an immature

Maybe he was acting like an immature jackass, she said, the smile

jackass, she said, the smile disappearing.

disappearing. I would think that you would appreciate

I would think that you would appreciate the romantic angle, I said, breathing in

the romantic angle, I said, breathing in the smell of her perfume as I realized

the smell of her perfume as I realized this plan might be more challenging than

this plan might be more challenging than I thought. Little Liz loved that stuff.

I thought. Little Liz loved that stuff. Little Liz has been gone a long time,"

Little Liz has been gone a long time," she said, breaking my heart with those

she said, breaking my heart with those words as she cleared her throat and

words as she cleared her throat and readjusted the bag on her shoulder. I

readjusted the bag on her shoulder. I just hope that guy learned his lesson

just hope that guy learned his lesson before someone gets hurt. I stepped

before someone gets hurt. I stepped closer so she filled the space between

closer so she filled the space between my body and the wall as I lowered my

my body and the wall as I lowered my head so my mouth was closer to her ear.

head so my mouth was closer to her ear. Aosta was loud as hell and I needed her

Aosta was loud as hell and I needed her to hear me when I said, "You know, I

to hear me when I said, "You know, I don't think he gives a [ __ ] Lib,

don't think he gives a [ __ ] Lib, because everyone's already been her.

because everyone's already been her. He's got nothing to lose and everything

He's got nothing to lose and everything he's always wanted to gain. So, you

he's always wanted to gain. So, you should probably brace yourself." She

should probably brace yourself." She turned her head a fraction, so her eyes

turned her head a fraction, so her eyes were on mine. "Brace myself?" she asked,

were on mine. "Brace myself?" she asked, trying to sound bored. But the

trying to sound bored. But the breathiness of her voice gave her away

breathiness of her voice gave her away when she said, "For what exactly?"

when she said, "For what exactly?" I looked into those green eyes and said,

I looked into those green eyes and said, "The hard press."

Chapter 32. I'm glad he's single because I'm going

I'm glad he's single because I'm going to climb that like a tree.

to climb that like a tree. bridesmaids.

bridesmaids. Liz,

Liz, the hard press.

the hard press. Why couldn't I stop thinking about what

Why couldn't I stop thinking about what he'd said? About the way he had said it.

he'd said? About the way he had said it. You should probably brace yourself.

You should probably brace yourself. It had been hours since he said it, and

It had been hours since he said it, and I was still blushing and butterflying

I was still blushing and butterflying like the moment had just passed.

like the moment had just passed. "So, Liz," Wade said, grinning. Anything

"So, Liz," Wade said, grinning. Anything interesting happened on your balcony

interesting happened on your balcony last night?

last night? I lowered the camera. You know about

I lowered the camera. You know about that?

that? A bunch of the guys were hooping at the

A bunch of the guys were hooping at the courts behind Hitch, so Clark and I were

courts behind Hitch, so Clark and I were filming, although Clark was way on the

filming, although Clark was way on the other end. Mickey was dribbling the

other end. Mickey was dribbling the basketball, giving me a stupid smile.

basketball, giving me a stupid smile. While Eli and Wade laughed knowingly

While Eli and Wade laughed knowingly from the lane, like they had the keys to

from the lane, like they had the keys to the vault or something. I still didn't

the vault or something. I still didn't know the specifics of what exactly Wes

know the specifics of what exactly Wes had been doing out there, and I was

had been doing out there, and I was dying to find out. Shut up, man, Mickey

dying to find out. Shut up, man, Mickey said. But he was still beaming when he

said. But he was still beaming when he said. Just because he's not here doesn't

said. Just because he's not here doesn't mean we should. It's not a secret,

mean we should. It's not a secret, though. Wade interrupted, reaching in

though. Wade interrupted, reaching in and stealing the ball. He saw us taking

and stealing the ball. He saw us taking pictures and only said to shut up until

pictures and only said to shut up until after he was done. He never asked us to

after he was done. He never asked us to be silent forever.

be silent forever. True,

True, >> Eli said. Will you please fill me in? I

>> Eli said. Will you please fill me in? I snapped. All I know is that he climbed

snapped. All I know is that he climbed onto the balcony and then fell off the

onto the balcony and then fell off the building into a rose bush. Wade

building into a rose bush. Wade volunteered, looking like he was

volunteered, looking like he was thoroughly enjoying the spilling of this

thoroughly enjoying the spilling of this tea as he drove the lane. "Like an

tea as he drove the lane. "Like an idiot." "Stop,"

idiot." "Stop," Mickey said, putting up a hand but

Mickey said, putting up a hand but failing to get the block as Wade's shot

failing to get the block as Wade's shot went in.

went in. He wasn't trying to be an idiot, Liz. He

He wasn't trying to be an idiot, Liz. He wants to ask you out, and he thought

wants to ask you out, and he thought that climbing on your balcony and

that climbing on your balcony and creating a whole romantic scene would

creating a whole romantic scene would help his chances. "What kind of romantic

help his chances. "What kind of romantic scene?" I asked, still trying to process

scene?" I asked, still trying to process the fact that not only had Wes climbed

the fact that not only had Wes climbed up the side of my building, idiot could

up the side of my building, idiot could have been killed, but he told his

have been killed, but he told his friends he was going to do it.

friends he was going to do it. Like, there was only water and broken

Like, there was only water and broken glass out there when I saw it.

glass out there when I saw it. Guys, let me," Eli said, grinning as he

Guys, let me," Eli said, grinning as he walked off the court toward me, pulling

walked off the court toward me, pulling out his phone.

out his phone. "These are photos of Wesley preparing to

"These are photos of Wesley preparing to woo you."

woo you." "Why was my heart racing?" I leaned

"Why was my heart racing?" I leaned closer as he held out the phone, hoping

closer as he held out the phone, hoping I seemed chill as I looked at the

I seemed chill as I looked at the display.

display. This is him coming back from the flower

This is him coming back from the flower shop, he said, using his finger to flip

shop, he said, using his finger to flip through multiple pictures of Wes

through multiple pictures of Wes carrying flowers. God, they were

carrying flowers. God, they were daisies. Into his suite. He scrolled

daisies. Into his suite. He scrolled through pictures. It was a lot of

through pictures. It was a lot of daisies. And I swallowed hard.

daisies. And I swallowed hard. What the hell, Bennett?

What the hell, Bennett? Now these are my favorite, he said.

Now these are my favorite, he said. where he is working hard on his little

where he is working hard on his little cupidity art project.

cupidity art project. I leaned even closer, my throat a little

I leaned even closer, my throat a little tight as I stared at a photo of Wes

tight as I stared at a photo of Wes sitting on the floor of their suite,

sitting on the floor of their suite, wearing headphones and bagging up flower

wearing headphones and bagging up flower petals.

petals. The lyric from that Abe Parker song, "I

The lyric from that Abe Parker song, "I miss your stupid face," whispered into

miss your stupid face," whispered into me as Eli slid his finger across the

me as Eli slid his finger across the screen, showing another dorm picture of

screen, showing another dorm picture of Wes, this time writing on poster board

Wes, this time writing on poster board with a Sharpie. The only word he'd

with a Sharpie. The only word he'd written at that point was two.

written at that point was two. What had he written? What the hell had

What had he written? What the hell had he written? And what had he planned to

he written? And what had he planned to do with the poster?

do with the poster? He'd been right. Little Liz would have

He'd been right. Little Liz would have loved this.

loved this. Thank God she was long gone.

Thank God she was long gone. Little Liz can't come to the phone right

Little Liz can't come to the phone right now. Why? Oh, cuz she's dead.

now. Why? Oh, cuz she's dead. Okay, don't be an [ __ ] Strauss, Mick

Okay, don't be an [ __ ] Strauss, Mick said. Then he walked over and said to

said. Then he walked over and said to me, "The finished product really was

me, "The finished product really was amazing, even though your neighbor

amazing, even though your neighbor destroyed it."

destroyed it." Now he pulled out his phone and held it

Now he pulled out his phone and held it out to me. And I was pretty sure I

out to me. And I was pretty sure I didn't look chill at all anymore because

didn't look chill at all anymore because Wes took a selfie on my balcony. It was

Wes took a selfie on my balcony. It was my balcony in the picture, but it had

my balcony in the picture, but it had been absolutely transformed with flowers

been absolutely transformed with flowers and candles by Wes into something the

and candles by Wes into something the old me would have loved.

old me would have loved. Wow. I managed, blinking fast, feeling

Wow. I managed, blinking fast, feeling unsettled.

unsettled. That's uh Wow.

That's uh Wow. So

So WDE waggled his eyebrows and grinned.

WDE waggled his eyebrows and grinned. Are you going to go out with him? Like

Are you going to go out with him? Like I'm going to discuss my personal life

I'm going to discuss my personal life with you, I said, rolling my eyes as my

with you, I said, rolling my eyes as my insides rolled with turmoil.

insides rolled with turmoil. He'd climbed a building to set up

He'd climbed a building to set up flowers and candles for me.

flowers and candles for me. What the hell, Bennett?

What the hell, Bennett? I sounded very detached and turmoil free

I sounded very detached and turmoil free when I quipped. You can't even remember

when I quipped. You can't even remember to ask me about Campbell when you're

to ask me about Campbell when you're sober.

sober. That made Eli laugh. But Mick wasn't

That made Eli laugh. But Mick wasn't going to be distracted.

going to be distracted. Ben's a good guy, though. You should

Ben's a good guy, though. You should give him a chance.

give him a chance. Yeah, Bye. Wade agreed. He risked his

Yeah, Bye. Wade agreed. He risked his life to sweep you off your feet.

life to sweep you off your feet. Wes chose that moment to appear casually

Wes chose that moment to appear casually dribbling a basketball, which did

dribbling a basketball, which did nothing to help my insides

nothing to help my insides because he was wearing those glasses

because he was wearing those glasses again. The prick.

again. The prick. Then he looked over as if sensing our

Then he looked over as if sensing our conversation. But instead of even

conversation. But instead of even registering the way his friends were

registering the way his friends were grinning, his gaze landed on me and he

grinning, his gaze landed on me and he smiled.

smiled. It was big and wildly intimate.

It was big and wildly intimate. The kind of smile that stole the breath

The kind of smile that stole the breath from my body and my face instantly

from my body and my face instantly burned.

burned. "You should go ask him out," Mick said,

"You should go ask him out," Mick said, sounding excited and totally blow his

sounding excited and totally blow his mind.

mind. "I have work to do," I said, grabbing my

"I have work to do," I said, grabbing my camera and raising it to my eyes. Partly

camera and raising it to my eyes. Partly because I had work to do and partly

because I had work to do and partly because I was desperate to cover my face

because I was desperate to cover my face so no one could see how confused and

so no one could see how confused and utterly lost I felt all of a sudden.

utterly lost I felt all of a sudden. Hey Boxy Wade yelled. Can I get

Hey Boxy Wade yelled. Can I get Campbell's number before you leave?

Campbell's number before you leave? What?

What? I lowered the camera and loved that Wade

I lowered the camera and loved that Wade Brooks looked sincere for once in his

Brooks looked sincere for once in his life. You seriously want it? I'm

life. You seriously want it? I'm suddenly inspired by romantic idiots, he

suddenly inspired by romantic idiots, he said, grinning sheepishly.

said, grinning sheepishly. What can I say?

Chapter 33. You can't live a fairy tale.

You can't live a fairy tale. Kate and Leopold.

Kate and Leopold. Wes,

Wes, let me see what the group chat thinks.

let me see what the group chat thinks. What? I rubbed my forehead and needed to

What? I rubbed my forehead and needed to ditch my sister. Normally, I look

ditch my sister. Normally, I look forward to talking to her on the phone,

forward to talking to her on the phone, but I had a paper to write. "What group

but I had a paper to write. "What group chat?" She usually only talked about her

chat?" She usually only talked about her roommate, so it was nice to hear that

roommate, so it was nice to hear that she had other friends at college. "The

she had other friends at college. "The one I have with Noah, Adam, and

one I have with Noah, Adam, and Michael," she said casually. "What?" I

Michael," she said casually. "What?" I couldn't believe it, but at the same

couldn't believe it, but at the same time, it made perfect sense. "You guys

time, it made perfect sense. "You guys have a group chat? add me to the chat

have a group chat? add me to the chat now. As if, she said, sounding amused by

now. As if, she said, sounding amused by my discomfort, which was totally on

my discomfort, which was totally on brand for her. The last thing I want is

brand for her. The last thing I want is you on there. No offense. What do you

you on there. No offense. What do you guys talk about? Is it just about me? I

guys talk about? Is it just about me? I asked, irritated and amused at the same

asked, irritated and amused at the same time. God, the ego, she said cheekily.

time. God, the ego, she said cheekily. We rarely talk about you. Actually, I

We rarely talk about you. Actually, I just like your dumb friends. You know

just like your dumb friends. You know what? We're going to have a fiveway

what? We're going to have a fiveway FaceTime group chat right now. Call me

FaceTime group chat right now. Call me back when everyone's on, I demanded,

back when everyone's on, I demanded, standing to pace around the room. The

standing to pace around the room. The rest of my sweetmates weren't home, so

rest of my sweetmates weren't home, so it was nice and quiet. Oh, God. She

it was nice and quiet. Oh, God. She laughed, and she was still laughing when

laughed, and she was still laughing when I disconnected the call. 3 minutes

I disconnected the call. 3 minutes later, I was looking at the faces of my

later, I was looking at the faces of my friends on my MacBook. Seriously though,

friends on my MacBook. Seriously though, dumbest lines in a song ever. Noah was

dumbest lines in a song ever. Noah was saying, looking disgusted. You know

saying, looking disgusted. You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,

Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Bliten,

Comet and Cupid and Donner and Bliten, but do you recall the most famous

but do you recall the most famous reindeer of all? Like, if you know the

reindeer of all? Like, if you know the rest of them, obviously you know the

rest of them, obviously you know the most famous of all of them. Stupid

most famous of all of them. Stupid freaking question, dude. It's unamerican

freaking question, dude. It's unamerican to slander Rudolph, you [ __ ] Adam

to slander Rudolph, you [ __ ] Adam said. Blasphemous. Really? Michael

said. Blasphemous. Really? Michael agreed. Can you stop being stupid for 5

agreed. Can you stop being stupid for 5 seconds? Sarah asked them. Why do we

seconds? Sarah asked them. Why do we have to? Noah replied, obviously

have to? Noah replied, obviously confused by the change of topic. Because

confused by the change of topic. Because Wes is wondering if he should push

Wes is wondering if he should push forward with his plan to romance Liz,

forward with his plan to romance Liz, Sarah said, smiling like I was a toddler

Sarah said, smiling like I was a toddler who amused her with my nonsensical

who amused her with my nonsensical adorability, or if he should pump the

adorability, or if he should pump the brakes since his first attempt didn't

brakes since his first attempt didn't work.

work. pump," Noah said without pause. "It's

pump," Noah said without pause. "It's not going to work." "It is too," Sarah

not going to work." "It is too," Sarah said defensively. "You don't know." Jos

said defensively. "You don't know." Jos said Liz was super pissed about Wes's

said Liz was super pissed about Wes's whole I didn't cheat confession. He

whole I didn't cheat confession. He argued there is no way she's going to

argued there is no way she's going to find cheesy romance from him to be

find cheesy romance from him to be charming. I said, "Well, I Yeah, but Liz

charming. I said, "Well, I Yeah, but Liz is Liz." Adam interrupted knowingly like

is Liz." Adam interrupted knowingly like he had it all figured out. She loves

he had it all figured out. She loves that stuff, right? Not anymore, Noah

that stuff, right? Not anymore, Noah said. According to Joss, she's like

said. According to Joss, she's like anti-romance now. [ __ ] I said. Have

anti-romance now. [ __ ] I said. Have to myself because I refuse to believe

to myself because I refuse to believe that. Regardless, he needs to try. My

that. Regardless, he needs to try. My sister said, "What does he have to

sister said, "What does he have to lose?" My phone buzzed and the last

lose?" My phone buzzed and the last thing I expected to see was a text from

thing I expected to see was a text from Liz. Liz, I have a question for you. I

Liz. Liz, I have a question for you. I have never texted as quickly as I

have never texted as quickly as I texted. Continue. Who are you texting?

texted. Continue. Who are you texting? Sarah asked forever nosy. Liz, so shut

Sarah asked forever nosy. Liz, so shut up, I muttered, staring at the

up, I muttered, staring at the conversation bubbles on my phone. Liz,

conversation bubbles on my phone. Liz, the last time we spoke before yesterday

the last time we spoke before yesterday in the wait room, we were yelling at

in the wait room, we were yelling at each other. So, why would you think it

each other. So, why would you think it was a good idea to climb a balcony with

was a good idea to climb a balcony with flowers after that?

flowers after that? That was not the question I'd expected

That was not the question I'd expected her to ask. What is she saying? Michael

her to ask. What is she saying? Michael asked from my laptop screen. Yeah, Wes,

asked from my laptop screen. Yeah, Wes, Sarah said. What'd she say? She wants to

Sarah said. What'd she say? She wants to know why I'd bring her flowers on the

know why I'd bring her flowers on the balcony when we were fighting a few days

balcony when we were fighting a few days ago, I mumbled, trying to think of a

ago, I mumbled, trying to think of a good answer. Fair question, Noah said. I

good answer. Fair question, Noah said. I texted. Just because we were yelling

texted. Just because we were yelling doesn't mean my feelings have changed.

doesn't mean my feelings have changed. What'd you say? Sarah prodded. None of

What'd you say? Sarah prodded. None of your damn business. I snapped, wanting

your damn business. I snapped, wanting them to go away now. Sh.

them to go away now. Sh. Liz feelings. That is ridiculous. Is

Liz feelings. That is ridiculous. Is that what the poster was about too?

that what the poster was about too? Feelings?

Feelings? Was she trying to find out what the

Was she trying to find out what the poster said? It was probably my wishful

poster said? It was probably my wishful thinking, but I texted like that was

thinking, but I texted like that was what she wanted. Yes, there were

what she wanted. Yes, there were multiple posters. Actually, the first

multiple posters. Actually, the first one said, "To me, you aren't perfect."

one said, "To me, you aren't perfect." Liz, um, okay, humbling.

Liz, um, okay, humbling. I took it as a good sign that she was

I took it as a good sign that she was making a joke. I texted the second one

making a joke. I texted the second one said, "To me, you are everything."

said, "To me, you are everything." I didn't expect a quick response because

I didn't expect a quick response because I imagined her squealing or kicking her

I imagined her squealing or kicking her feet or texting a friend. But she

feet or texting a friend. But she immediately texted, "That is asinine,

immediately texted, "That is asinine, Wes. No offense, but you don't even know

Wes. No offense, but you don't even know me. How could I be everything?" "Why are

me. How could I be everything?" "Why are you scowlling?" Sarah asked. What did

you scowlling?" Sarah asked. What did she say? Tell us, Adam said. We're dying

she say? Tell us, Adam said. We're dying over here. I reached over and

over here. I reached over and disconnected the FaceTime call. And then

disconnected the FaceTime call. And then I dialed Liz's number. I didn't expect

I dialed Liz's number. I didn't expect her to answer, so I was surprised when I

her to answer, so I was surprised when I heard, "Hello." I stood and started

heard, "Hello." I stood and started walking around the room, pacing as I

walking around the room, pacing as I said, "I know you. Come on, Liz." "No,

said, "I know you. Come on, Liz." "No, you don't." She replied very matterof

you don't." She replied very matterof factly. We haven't had a real

factly. We haven't had a real conversation in years. How could you

conversation in years. How could you think that we know each other at all?

think that we know each other at all? Because we just do, I said, aware that

Because we just do, I said, aware that it made zero sense, but also it did make

it made zero sense, but also it did make sense for us. Oh, really? Okay, then.

sense for us. Oh, really? Okay, then. What is my new favorite show to watch on

What is my new favorite show to watch on the weekends? What? I cleared my throat

the weekends? What? I cleared my throat and thought hard. Um, that's a trick

and thought hard. Um, that's a trick question because you still like to watch

question because you still like to watch Gilmore Girls and Norah Efron movies.

Gilmore Girls and Norah Efron movies. Wrong. It's football, she said, sounding

Wrong. It's football, she said, sounding happy I'd gotten it wrong. Wait, what? I

happy I'd gotten it wrong. Wait, what? I love to watch football. College and the

love to watch football. College and the NFL. See? You know nothing about me now.

NFL. See? You know nothing about me now. Well, I want to know you, I said,

Well, I want to know you, I said, sitting down on my bed and turning my

sitting down on my bed and turning my body so I could lean back against the

body so I could lean back against the wall. I knew she was proving a point to

wall. I knew she was proving a point to me that I didn't want proven, but even

me that I didn't want proven, but even in spite of that, it was nice to be

in spite of that, it was nice to be talking to her on the phone again. "You

talking to her on the phone again. "You should go out with me and we can get to

should go out with me and we can get to know each other all over again." She

know each other all over again." She immediately said, "No, thank you. What

immediately said, "No, thank you. What about as friends?" I said just as

about as friends?" I said just as quickly, needing to keep her on the

quickly, needing to keep her on the phone. "Can't we do that? It doesn't

phone. "Can't we do that? It doesn't have to be a date date. We can just eat

have to be a date date. We can just eat food and catch up. I'd at least like to

food and catch up. I'd at least like to be your friend again. What are you doing

be your friend again. What are you doing Friday night? I have plans, she said,

Friday night? I have plans, she said, striking me down. Nick Starks ski

striking me down. Nick Starks ski masquerade.

masquerade. Everyone was talking about the Halloween

Everyone was talking about the Halloween party where you wore a costume and a ski

party where you wore a costume and a ski mask. The only rule was no exposed

mask. The only rule was no exposed faces. I'm going too, I said way too

faces. I'm going too, I said way too excitedly. It was impossible for me to

excitedly. It was impossible for me to be cool when Liz Bucks bomb was

be cool when Liz Bucks bomb was involved, but especially when we were

involved, but especially when we were going to be in the same place.

going to be in the same place. We can hang out at the party, but you

We can hang out at the party, but you won't be able to find me," she said, a

won't be able to find me," she said, a smile in her voice. "Because I'll be in

smile in her voice. "Because I'll be in a costume with a ski mask over my head."

a costume with a ski mask over my head." "Trust me, Lib," I said, picturing her

"Trust me, Lib," I said, picturing her lips. "In a crowd of a million ski

lips. "In a crowd of a million ski masks, I'd still be able to find you."

masks, I'd still be able to find you." "There is no way you'll know who I am.

"There is no way you'll know who I am. No way." I wanted to wrap myself up in

No way." I wanted to wrap myself up in the warm, breathlessness of her voice.

the warm, breathlessness of her voice. Want to make a bet? I asked knowing I

Want to make a bet? I asked knowing I was going to win. If I find you, you go

was going to win. If I find you, you go on a date with me Saturday.

on a date with me Saturday. What happened to just going for

What happened to just going for friendship? She asked, sounding a little

friendship? She asked, sounding a little amused. Though that could also just be

amused. Though that could also just be my wishful thinking. If we're making a

my wishful thinking. If we're making a bet, I'm going bigger, Bucks Bomb, I

bet, I'm going bigger, Bucks Bomb, I said, feeling like an unbelievable

said, feeling like an unbelievable opportunity was presenting itself. You

opportunity was presenting itself. You win? No, she said. But I could tell she

win? No, she said. But I could tell she was smiling. I don't know how I knew,

was smiling. I don't know how I knew, but I did. Oh, come on. Are you

but I did. Oh, come on. Are you seriously going to force me to make the

seriously going to force me to make the noise? I asked. The noise? The back

noise? I asked. The noise? The back chicken noise because you're scared to

chicken noise because you're scared to take the bet. You know I know you too

take the bet. You know I know you too well and will find you, I teased,

well and will find you, I teased, confident as she wouldn't be able to

confident as she wouldn't be able to resist the challenge. And then you'll be

resist the challenge. And then you'll be forced to endure a delightful evening

forced to endure a delightful evening with the charming Wesley Harold Bennett

with the charming Wesley Harold Bennett as punishment for losing. Save your

as punishment for losing. Save your bcking. I'll take the bet. I wondered if

bcking. I'll take the bet. I wondered if she was in her room ready for bed or if

she was in her room ready for bed or if she was studying somewhere. But there

she was studying somewhere. But there have to be rules. You can't just walk up

have to be rules. You can't just walk up to someone and say Liz because then you

to someone and say Liz because then you can lock into winning. Fair. I love her

can lock into winning. Fair. I love her mind. How about we have a code word that

mind. How about we have a code word that I have to shout when I see you? A code

I have to shout when I see you? A code word? She repeated slowly, like she was

word? She repeated slowly, like she was really considering the idea. I like it.

really considering the idea. I like it. How about you have to yell, I am a huge

How about you have to yell, I am a huge jackass when you see the person that

jackass when you see the person that you'll think is me, but actually won't

you'll think is me, but actually won't be. I'm happy to say that, you little

be. I'm happy to say that, you little [ __ ] I agreed, leaning my head back

[ __ ] I agreed, leaning my head back against the wall and picturing her face.

against the wall and picturing her face. But you will definitely be the person

But you will definitely be the person I'm saying it to. In your dreams,

I'm saying it to. In your dreams, Bennett, she teased. Every damn night,

Bennett, she teased. Every damn night, Buckbelm, I replied, wanting to beg her

Buckbelm, I replied, wanting to beg her to spend the rest of her life on the

to spend the rest of her life on the phone with me. Her voice was soft and

phone with me. Her voice was soft and sleepy when she said, "I have to go

sleepy when she said, "I have to go study." "See you Friday, even though you

study." "See you Friday, even though you won't see me."

won't see me." "I love you. See you Friday, Lib, I

"I love you. See you Friday, Lib, I said, terrified by the hope that was

said, terrified by the hope that was pumping through every one of my veins.

pumping through every one of my veins. Good night. After she hung up, I sat

Good night. After she hung up, I sat there with the phone in my hand for the

there with the phone in my hand for the longest time, just staring into space.

longest time, just staring into space. Liz suddenly felt possible again, like

Liz suddenly felt possible again, like something could actually happen with us.

something could actually happen with us. And that kind of possibility was the

And that kind of possibility was the scariest thing in the world. Eventually,

scariest thing in the world. Eventually, I got my head out of the clouds enough

I got my head out of the clouds enough to write my paper, and I was in the

to write my paper, and I was in the middle of formatting the god-forsaken

middle of formatting the god-forsaken worksited page. Why did I struggle so

worksited page. Why did I struggle so much with those when my phone started

much with those when my phone started ringing? I picked it up and was shocked

ringing? I picked it up and was shocked when I saw the name on the caller ID.

when I saw the name on the caller ID. Helena Bucksbomb.

Helena Bucksbomb. Why would she be calling me? I'd only

Why would she be calling me? I'd only spoken to her on the phone once in my

spoken to her on the phone once in my life, and that was a couple of years

life, and that was a couple of years ago.

ago. It was right after Liz and I broke up

It was right after Liz and I broke up and I'd seen the 402 area code and took

and I'd seen the 402 area code and took the call, assuming it was some kind of

the call, assuming it was some kind of bill that needed to be paid. It would

bill that needed to be paid. It would forever go down as the coolest phone

forever go down as the coolest phone call I'd ever received. Shut up and

call I'd ever received. Shut up and don't say a word. I hate you for hurting

don't say a word. I hate you for hurting Liz and the West Bennett that was her

Liz and the West Bennett that was her boyfriend is dead to me. However, I want

boyfriend is dead to me. However, I want to let West Bennett, the neighbor kid,

to let West Bennett, the neighbor kid, know that we're always here next door,

know that we're always here next door, no matter what. if he should ever need

no matter what. if he should ever need anything that has nothing to do with our

anything that has nothing to do with our daughter. Okay, bye.

daughter. Okay, bye. There were very few people in the world

There were very few people in the world I respected as much as I respected

I respected as much as I respected Helena.

Helena. Hello, I answered a little nervous.

Hello, I answered a little nervous. Oh, hey Wes. Um, it's Helena Bugbomb. I

Oh, hey Wes. Um, it's Helena Bugbomb. I can't believe you answered the phone,

can't believe you answered the phone, she said, sounding shocked. I thought

she said, sounding shocked. I thought only old people answered incoming calls.

only old people answered incoming calls. I fully expected the voicemail. I saw it

I fully expected the voicemail. I saw it was you, I said. So, I had to pick up.

was you, I said. So, I had to pick up. Do you have 2 seconds? I don't want to

Do you have 2 seconds? I don't want to interrupt a kegger or anything. That

interrupt a kegger or anything. That made me smile and relax. I've got all

made me smile and relax. I've got all the time in the world, and I'm

the time in the world, and I'm shockingly free of kegggers at the

shockingly free of kegggers at the moment. What's up? Okay, so the lady who

moment. What's up? Okay, so the lady who moved into your old house, Mrs. Edgars.

moved into your old house, Mrs. Edgars. Yeah, she seems like a type A lunatic,

Yeah, she seems like a type A lunatic, by the way. But it appears she found

by the way. But it appears she found some things in the house that the

some things in the house that the Bennets left behind. What? I'd

Bennets left behind. What? I'd personally checked every single surface

personally checked every single surface of the place before leaving. What did

of the place before leaving. What did she find? Homies.

she find? Homies. I waited for more, but when she said

I waited for more, but when she said nothing else, I asked, "I'm sorry. Did

nothing else, I asked, "I'm sorry. Did you say homies?" Helena laughed as she

you say homies?" Helena laughed as she said, "Oh, I did." and she gave them to

said, "Oh, I did." and she gave them to me, your homies. She found one taped up

me, your homies. She found one taped up in the back of every single closet. "May

in the back of every single closet. "May I text you a photo?" "Yeah, of course,"

I text you a photo?" "Yeah, of course," I said, still clueless. "Sending," she

I said, still clueless. "Sending," she said. And when the text came through, I

said. And when the text came through, I completely lost it. I'd forgotten all

completely lost it. I'd forgotten all about the homies. The gas station down

about the homies. The gas station down the hill used to have a gumball machine

the hill used to have a gumball machine full of homies. Little plastic dudes you

full of homies. Little plastic dudes you could buy for a quarter. Sarah bought

could buy for a quarter. Sarah bought them all the time when we were kids

them all the time when we were kids because they were the only thing she

because they were the only thing she could afford. And it appeared she'd

could afford. And it appeared she'd saved them. Saved them so she could tape

saved them. Saved them so she could tape one in the back of each closet when we

one in the back of each closet when we moved out of the house. I looked at the

moved out of the house. I looked at the photo and shook my head because there

photo and shook my head because there was a tiny note attached to each little

was a tiny note attached to each little guy that said, "Homie is watching you,

guy that said, "Homie is watching you, Edgars." "Are you kidding me?" I said,

Edgars." "Are you kidding me?" I said, giving into a laugh as I looked at the

giving into a laugh as I looked at the picture. I wondered why Sarah wanted to

picture. I wondered why Sarah wanted to say goodbye to every bedroom in the

say goodbye to every bedroom in the house. Mrs. Edgars was a little freaked

house. Mrs. Edgars was a little freaked out until I told her that the Bennets

out until I told her that the Bennets were clowns. She said, "Your sister is

were clowns. She said, "Your sister is my freaking hero. I swear to God, mine,

my freaking hero. I swear to God, mine, too." So, whenever either of you are

too." So, whenever either of you are back in town, feel free to swing by for

back in town, feel free to swing by for the homies. Helena cleared her throat

the homies. Helena cleared her throat and said, "We'd love to see you." Same.

and said, "We'd love to see you." Same. I said, "Thanks for calling about the

I said, "Thanks for calling about the homies when I'm dead to you." "No,

homies when I'm dead to you." "No, you're Jesus, Wes." She said, "Back from

you're Jesus, Wes." She said, "Back from the dead because apparently you didn't

the dead because apparently you didn't cheat on Liz." "Right," I said, having

cheat on Liz." "Right," I said, having no idea what exactly Helena knew about

no idea what exactly Helena knew about all that. "Good.

all that. "Good. So, come by anytime," she said, and it

So, come by anytime," she said, and it sounded like she meant it. Either way, I

sounded like she meant it. Either way, I have the nicest memory of your dad, of

have the nicest memory of your dad, of the last time I talked to him. Would you

the last time I talked to him. Would you like to hear it or will it hurt? I'd

like to hear it or will it hurt? I'd love to hear it, I said, leaning back in

love to hear it, I said, leaning back in the desk chair. Okay, so I was having a

the desk chair. Okay, so I was having a bad day because Liz and I got in an

bad day because Liz and I got in an argument, right? This was right after

argument, right? This was right after she went away to school. I took out the

she went away to school. I took out the trash and Stu was taking his out, too.

trash and Stu was taking his out, too. Now, I didn't really ever talk to your

Now, I didn't really ever talk to your dad aside from a "Hey, Stuart" whenever

dad aside from a "Hey, Stuart" whenever we saw each other in our respective

we saw each other in our respective driveways, but he looked at me and asked

driveways, but he looked at me and asked if I was okay. He did. I was shocked to

if I was okay. He did. I was shocked to hear this because the guy hadn't been

hear this because the guy hadn't been particularly social

particularly social at all. Yeah. Weird, right? And I was in

at all. Yeah. Weird, right? And I was in such a funk that I actually spilled to

such a funk that I actually spilled to him about the way I thought Liz was

him about the way I thought Liz was ignoring my calls and that she asked me

ignoring my calls and that she asked me to give her some space. I rambled all

to give her some space. I rambled all over the place like the empty neester I

over the place like the empty neester I suddenly was.

suddenly was. Yeah, I'm sure my dad loved the lady

Yeah, I'm sure my dad loved the lady next door getting all emotional.

next door getting all emotional. Probably referred to her as batshit

Probably referred to her as batshit crazy neighbor after that. But instead

crazy neighbor after that. But instead of grunting at me, your dad gave me a

of grunting at me, your dad gave me a hug. Impossible.

hug. Impossible. You're kidding, right? No. I couldn't

You're kidding, right? No. I couldn't believe it either. And I'll never forget

believe it either. And I'll never forget what he said to me. Wes. He hugged me

what he said to me. Wes. He hugged me and said, "Here's the thing about kids,

and said, "Here's the thing about kids, lady. And I honestly don't think he knew

lady. And I honestly don't think he knew my name, by the way. I was lady." I

my name, by the way. I was lady." I coughed out a laugh while my chest

coughed out a laugh while my chest pinched a little. All women were. But he

pinched a little. All women were. But he goes, "Here's the thing about kids,

goes, "Here's the thing about kids, lady. They're stupid with words. They

lady. They're stupid with words. They say [ __ ] all the time they don't mean.

say [ __ ] all the time they don't mean. They're wrong or they're being emotional

They're wrong or they're being emotional little shits. Basically, you have to

little shits. Basically, you have to understand that what they say isn't what

understand that what they say isn't what they mean. I tried swallowing, but my

they mean. I tried swallowing, but my throat was too tight. He said that. He

throat was too tight. He said that. He did, she said, sounding serious all of a

did, she said, sounding serious all of a sudden. He basically mansplained to me

sudden. He basically mansplained to me that our kids love us even when they act

that our kids love us even when they act like little [ __ ] And then he

like little [ __ ] And then he informed me they're going to grow out of

informed me they're going to grow out of it and take it all back once they stop

it and take it all back once they stop being stupid. I barked out another

being stupid. I barked out another laugh, but my eyes were scratchy. Good

laugh, but my eyes were scratchy. Good old Stew. I just thought since your dad

old Stew. I just thought since your dad was intense a lot of the time that you

was intense a lot of the time that you might enjoy hearing about him being kind

might enjoy hearing about him being kind and giving me probably the best parental

and giving me probably the best parental advice I ever received.

advice I ever received. Little [ __ ] is the best advice, I

Little [ __ ] is the best advice, I teased, my voice a little choked by

teased, my voice a little choked by emotion. Come on, Helena. Your dad knew,

emotion. Come on, Helena. Your dad knew, Wes, she said, her voice quiet. He knew

Wes, she said, her voice quiet. He knew what his kids really felt, even when

what his kids really felt, even when their words said otherwise. I took in a

their words said otherwise. I took in a deep, jagged breath, wondering if she

deep, jagged breath, wondering if she might actually be right. Thank you,

might actually be right. Thank you, Helena. You're really incredible. I

Helena. You're really incredible. I know. she interrupted, sounding like she

know. she interrupted, sounding like she too was a little choked up. And you're

too was a little choked up. And you're welcome. Now, let's get back to our

welcome. Now, let's get back to our kekers, shall we? Yeah, we probably

kekers, shall we? Yeah, we probably should, I agreed, clearing my throat.

should, I agreed, clearing my throat. Take care, kid, she said. And I'll see

Take care, kid, she said. And I'll see you at Christmas break. You will? She's

you at Christmas break. You will? She's probably forgetting we're no longer

probably forgetting we're no longer neighbors. You want these homies, don't

neighbors. You want these homies, don't you? She said, and something about her

you? She said, and something about her mothering was really getting to me.

mothering was really getting to me. especially when she added, "I'll be

especially when she added, "I'll be pissed if you don't come get them."

pissed if you don't come get them." "Then I will make it a priority." "Later

"Then I will make it a priority." "Later then, Wesley," she said. "Later then,

then, Wesley," she said. "Later then, Helena," I replied, staying on until the

Helena," I replied, staying on until the call dropped. It was probably a random

call dropped. It was probably a random coincidence, but that night, for the

coincidence, but that night, for the first time in years, I had a long night

first time in years, I had a long night of deep sleep without a nightmare to be

of deep sleep without a nightmare to be found.

Chapter 34. Look, I guarantee there will be tough

Look, I guarantee there will be tough times. I guarantee that at some point

times. I guarantee that at some point one or both of us is going to want to

one or both of us is going to want to get out of this thing. But I also

get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be

guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my

mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life because I know in my heart you're

life because I know in my heart you're the only one for me.

the only one for me. Runaway bride.

Runaway bride. Liz,

I cannot wear this. Why not? Campbell stood behind me,

Why not? Campbell stood behind me, looking at my reflection in the mirror

looking at my reflection in the mirror over my shoulder. If you want to trick

over my shoulder. If you want to trick him, this is the way. He's going to be

him, this is the way. He's going to be looking for a Lizcoed costume, so he

looking for a Lizcoed costume, so he will never even consider that this is

will never even consider that this is you.

you. My stomach was full of nervous

My stomach was full of nervous butterflies. It was all well and good

butterflies. It was all well and good what my dad said about me not having to

what my dad said about me not having to worry about my confusing Wes feelings,

worry about my confusing Wes feelings, but it made things feel precarious when

but it made things feel precarious when I was preparing to go to a party that

I was preparing to go to a party that could end with me having to go on a date

could end with me having to go on a date with him tomorrow.

with him tomorrow. Did I want to? Definitely not. But his

Did I want to? Definitely not. But his idiotic balcony attempt had left me

idiotic balcony attempt had left me shaken. I wasn't little Liz anymore, but

shaken. I wasn't little Liz anymore, but I wasn't unaffected by the lengths he'd

I wasn't unaffected by the lengths he'd gone to either.

gone to either. I looked at my reflection and wanted to

I looked at my reflection and wanted to cover myself with a cardigan. I was

cover myself with a cardigan. I was wearing Campbell's costume, which was a

wearing Campbell's costume, which was a black latex Batgirl dress paired with

black latex Batgirl dress paired with thigh high black boots. The dress was

thigh high black boots. The dress was short and showed some cleavage. But the

short and showed some cleavage. But the part that had me feeling like I looked

part that had me feeling like I looked obscene was how tight it was. Skint

obscene was how tight it was. Skint tight, shiny black. No room for secrets.

tight, shiny black. No room for secrets. Yeah, but it's so I trailed off, turning

Yeah, but it's so I trailed off, turning around and making sure it covered my

around and making sure it covered my ass.

ass. Watch yourself before I'm offended.

Watch yourself before I'm offended. Campbell said, crossing her arms. You

Campbell said, crossing her arms. You look hot, and your face will be covered.

look hot, and your face will be covered. No one will know it's you unless you

No one will know it's you unless you want them to.

want them to. I looked at my reflection again.

I looked at my reflection again. No one will know it's me.

No one will know it's me. Just enjoy it and have fun. She tilted

Just enjoy it and have fun. She tilted her head. Feel sorry for me that I'm

her head. Feel sorry for me that I'm stuck wearing the cat costume.

stuck wearing the cat costume. The costume from Cats the Musical is

The costume from Cats the Musical is cute though. I defended.

cute though. I defended. You look adorable.

You look adorable. Yeah, adorable isn't hot, but I'll make

Yeah, adorable isn't hot, but I'll make it work. She grinned, which made me

it work. She grinned, which made me worry for her. She'd stayed up all night

worry for her. She'd stayed up all night talking to Wade on the phone, and she

talking to Wade on the phone, and she was downright smitten.

was downright smitten. I liked how happy she was, but I was

I liked how happy she was, but I was nervous she'd end up hurt. Even with a

nervous she'd end up hurt. Even with a good guy, things could change quickly,

good guy, things could change quickly, but with a cocky dude like Wade, it was

but with a cocky dude like Wade, it was worrisome.

worrisome. She said, "I'm going to go change, then

She said, "I'm going to go change, then let's do a shot before we go." Okay. We

let's do a shot before we go." Okay. We did a couple of shots and Leo fed the

did a couple of shots and Leo fed the raccoons before we locked up and loaded

raccoons before we locked up and loaded into an Uber. Campbell was dressed as

into an Uber. Campbell was dressed as Bombolina, Taylor's character in Cats.

Bombolina, Taylor's character in Cats. Clark was Thor and Leo was Cupid. He'd

Clark was Thor and Leo was Cupid. He'd sewn a confetti pocket into his toga

sewn a confetti pocket into his toga thing and was very excited to randomly

thing and was very excited to randomly toss love confetti at people.

toss love confetti at people. "Okay, remember if you need to talk to

"Okay, remember if you need to talk to me, do it quietly," I said, my buzz

me, do it quietly," I said, my buzz making me excited about the challenge of

making me excited about the challenge of not being discovered.

not being discovered. All Wes has to do is follow Thor around

All Wes has to do is follow Thor around and he'll find me in a second. Like I'm

and he'll find me in a second. Like I'm going to be hanging out near you, he

going to be hanging out near you, he said. I have my own person I'm trying to

said. I have my own person I'm trying to find.

find. What? Campbell said, making the Uber

What? Campbell said, making the Uber driver look at us in the rearview

driver look at us in the rearview mirror. Who are you looking for? He just

mirror. Who are you looking for? He just shrugged.

shrugged. I haven't decided yet.

I haven't decided yet. What does that mean? Leo asked. "It

What does that mean? Leo asked. "It means a world of interesting people are

means a world of interesting people are awaiting us at the party," Clark said in

awaiting us at the party," Clark said in that very clarky way of his, where it

that very clarky way of his, where it seemed like he was being ironic, but he

seemed like he was being ironic, but he actually was not. We rolled up our ski

actually was not. We rolled up our ski masks, decorated to match our costumes,

masks, decorated to match our costumes, of course, on the ride there. But when

of course, on the ride there. But when we pulled up in front of Nick's house,

we pulled up in front of Nick's house, we lowered them over our faces.

we lowered them over our faces. It's go time," Campbell said, opening

It's go time," Campbell said, opening the door. We probably terrified the Uber

the door. We probably terrified the Uber driver as we climbed out with our faces

driver as we climbed out with our faces covered. And when we got inside, the

covered. And when we got inside, the party was already wild, which wasn't a

party was already wild, which wasn't a surprise. Everyone loved the ski

surprise. Everyone loved the ski masquerade, so it was packed. The house,

masquerade, so it was packed. The house, a guest house in Bair, was brimming with

a guest house in Bair, was brimming with people, all in ridiculously decorated

people, all in ridiculously decorated ski masks. But even over the loud noise,

ski masks. But even over the loud noise, I heard Wes's laugh right after we

I heard Wes's laugh right after we arrived.

arrived. I couldn't see him, but his laugh was

I couldn't see him, but his laugh was unmistakable.

unmistakable. I could close my eyes and be so many

I could close my eyes and be so many places with that laugh. That laugh was

places with that laugh. That laugh was the cohesive thread, the little

the cohesive thread, the little recurring melody that showed up in so

recurring melody that showed up in so many scenes of my life, like Mia and

many scenes of my life, like Mia and Sebastian's theme in La La Land.

Sebastian's theme in La La Land. Always there playing in the background.

Always there playing in the background. My eyes searched the crowded living room

My eyes searched the crowded living room and it seemed like it should have taken

and it seemed like it should have taken me longer, but I found him in a quick

me longer, but I found him in a quick minute.

minute. Wes was Batman.

Wes was Batman. Talk about ironic.

Talk about ironic. He was wearing black baseball pants, a

He was wearing black baseball pants, a yellow belt, and a long-sleeved black

yellow belt, and a long-sleeved black under arour workout shirt that had a

under arour workout shirt that had a yellow bat made of paper taped across

yellow bat made of paper taped across the front.

the front. He was laughing hard at whatever the

He was laughing hard at whatever the horse beside him was saying. And I

horse beside him was saying. And I realized as I watched him that I

realized as I watched him that I probably would have found him even if he

probably would have found him even if he hadn't been laughing

hadn't been laughing because no one else moved like was.

because no one else moved like was. I mean, of course, there was the

I mean, of course, there was the tallness, the long arms and legs that

tallness, the long arms and legs that hinted at his identity, but it was more

hinted at his identity, but it was more than that.

than that. The back tilt of his head when he

The back tilt of his head when he laughed, the prominent Adam's apple on

laughed, the prominent Adam's apple on that neck just below where the mask

that neck just below where the mask ended, and the relaxed way he moved his

ended, and the relaxed way he moved his body, like he could just as easily pop

body, like he could just as easily pop out silly boy band choreography as he

out silly boy band choreography as he could bench press a car.

could bench press a car. It was like Wes was his own brand of

It was like Wes was his own brand of human.

human. Also, it looked like he was wearing one

Also, it looked like he was wearing one of those padded with fake muscles

of those padded with fake muscles costumes, only it was his actual body.

costumes, only it was his actual body. "I need a drink," I said, pulling

"I need a drink," I said, pulling Campbell with me toward the keg as I

Campbell with me toward the keg as I wondered three things. "Would be able to

wondered three things. "Would be able to recognize me. Did I want him to?

recognize me. Did I want him to? Was I actually going to go out with him

Was I actually going to go out with him if he did?

Chapter 35. You love me. Real or not? The Hunger

You love me. Real or not? The Hunger Games.

Games. Wes,

Wes, I have to find her. I was listening to

I have to find her. I was listening to AJ, but my eyes were everywhere. I

AJ, but my eyes were everywhere. I needed to find Liz and win the bet. So,

needed to find Liz and win the bet. So, she's wearing a long robe like she's a

she's wearing a long robe like she's a wizard or royalty or something. This

wizard or royalty or something. This chick isn't showing a bit of her body.

chick isn't showing a bit of her body. like I'm I'm not even sure it is a girl.

like I'm I'm not even sure it is a girl. Could be a man or or a tall child or a

Could be a man or or a tall child or a short yeti. But Mick looked at her and

short yeti. But Mick looked at her and was like, "I'll be right back." "Yeah,"

was like, "I'll be right back." "Yeah," I said, turning my body to look at the

I said, turning my body to look at the people on the other side of the room.

people on the other side of the room. "Yeah, he's been gone for like an hour."

"Yeah, he's been gone for like an hour." AJ shook his head and said, "So, I'm not

AJ shook his head and said, "So, I'm not sure if he's getting action or getting

sure if he's getting action or getting murdered. I mean, who can really say,

murdered. I mean, who can really say, right?" I muttered. Are you even

right?" I muttered. Are you even listening to me? AJ asked, sounding

listening to me? AJ asked, sounding annoyed behind his mask. No. I glanced

annoyed behind his mask. No. I glanced toward the kitchen. I'm trying to find

toward the kitchen. I'm trying to find Liz. Bugsy, he said, grinning and

Liz. Bugsy, he said, grinning and shaking his head. I love this whole bet

shaking his head. I love this whole bet thing. You have to find her because I'll

thing. You have to find her because I'll be bored when your adventure ends. So

be bored when your adventure ends. So glad I can entertain you. What about

glad I can entertain you. What about that one? he said, pointing toward the

that one? he said, pointing toward the person in the cat costume. It was a

person in the cat costume. It was a costume Liz would wear. She would know

costume Liz would wear. She would know the name of the cat's cat for sure. But

the name of the cat's cat for sure. But as I watched, I just knew it wasn't her.

as I watched, I just knew it wasn't her. Not because I'd know the curves of her

Not because I'd know the curves of her body in a lineup. Come on. But I would

body in a lineup. Come on. But I would or anything like that, but because of

or anything like that, but because of her hands. Is it weird to love someone's

her hands. Is it weird to love someone's hands? The cat had average hands with

hands? The cat had average hands with long pink fingernails, but they weren't

long pink fingernails, but they weren't Liz's hands. I had watched her play

Liz's hands. I had watched her play piano so many times, and I'd always been

piano so many times, and I'd always been distracted by the sight of her long,

distracted by the sight of her long, graceful fingers moving over the keys.

graceful fingers moving over the keys. With perfectly clipped and almost always

With perfectly clipped and almost always polished fingernails, her hands were

polished fingernails, her hands were capable of so much. I'm losing it when

capable of so much. I'm losing it when her hands make me want to ride a haiku,

her hands make me want to ride a haiku, right? I searched like a man on a

right? I searched like a man on a mission. but no one was her. An hour

mission. but no one was her. An hour later, I was starting to panic. What if

later, I was starting to panic. What if she wasn't there? Or what if she was,

she wasn't there? Or what if she was, but I was failing? I hadn't even

but I was failing? I hadn't even considered the possibility of not

considered the possibility of not winning. I was stressing out when I went

winning. I was stressing out when I went upstairs to look for Mick. And then I

upstairs to look for Mick. And then I found her. The hallway was full of

found her. The hallway was full of people, and I was about to give up when

people, and I was about to give up when I caught a whiff of her perfume. I froze

I caught a whiff of her perfume. I froze looking around. There was a person

looking around. There was a person dressed as a Pop-Tart. Not Liz. Someone

dressed as a Pop-Tart. Not Liz. Someone wearing a latex backirl costume,

wearing a latex backirl costume, definitely not Liz. A Cupid whose hairy

definitely not Liz. A Cupid whose hairy chest totally ruled out the Liz

chest totally ruled out the Liz possibility. And a Scooby-Doo whose feet

possibility. And a Scooby-Doo whose feet were way too big to belong to Bucks Bow.

were way too big to belong to Bucks Bow. I was getting very impatient. I was

I was getting very impatient. I was about to go downstairs when Batirl

about to go downstairs when Batirl turned sideways talking to the Cupid. It

turned sideways talking to the Cupid. It was too loud for me to hear her voice,

was too loud for me to hear her voice, but blue eyes, not green, were looking

but blue eyes, not green, were looking out from the ski mask. her lips, though.

out from the ski mask. her lips, though. I looked closer and her slick, wet,

I looked closer and her slick, wet, shiny red lips were turned up in a smile

shiny red lips were turned up in a smile that I knew better than my own

that I knew better than my own reflection. Those were Liz's lips.

reflection. Those were Liz's lips. Holy balls.

Holy balls. My eyes went back to the costume, and I

My eyes went back to the costume, and I damn near swallowed my tongue. Those

damn near swallowed my tongue. Those boots, those legs. Dear God. My gaze

boots, those legs. Dear God. My gaze traveled up her body, taking its time

traveled up her body, taking its time over black latex that made me weak in

over black latex that made me weak in the knees. And when it got to her ski

the knees. And when it got to her ski mask, I couldn't believe what I saw. She

mask, I couldn't believe what I saw. She was wearing colored contacts. The little

was wearing colored contacts. The little [ __ ] I wanted to laugh my ass off at

[ __ ] I wanted to laugh my ass off at that blue-eyed hustster for being so

that blue-eyed hustster for being so devious. And I wanted to laugh manically

devious. And I wanted to laugh manically and howl at the moon because praise

and howl at the moon because praise Jesus, I'd won. I'd won. And I was going

Jesus, I'd won. I'd won. And I was going to have Backroll all to myself for an

to have Backroll all to myself for an evening. in the very near future. I

evening. in the very near future. I moved through the crowded hallway and

moved through the crowded hallway and when I was finally behind her, she still

when I was finally behind her, she still hadn't seen me amongst all the people. I

hadn't seen me amongst all the people. I took a hit of her perfume before quietly

took a hit of her perfume before quietly saying into her ear, "I am a huge

saying into her ear, "I am a huge jackass."

jackass." I heard the gas before her head came

I heard the gas before her head came around and she stared up at me with big

around and she stared up at me with big blue eyes, "That lipstick.

blue eyes, "That lipstick. If her hands drive me to distraction,

If her hands drive me to distraction, her mouth drives me to madness.

her mouth drives me to madness. I can't believe you found me," she said

I can't believe you found me," she said in a breathy voice, her eyes wide with

in a breathy voice, her eyes wide with shock. The Cupid leaned closer to Liz

shock. The Cupid leaned closer to Liz and said something into her ear, which

and said something into her ear, which took her eyes away from me as she

took her eyes away from me as she listened. Who the hell was this guy? He

listened. Who the hell was this guy? He was smallalish, but a little too

was smallalish, but a little too shredded in my opinion. And standing a

shredded in my opinion. And standing a little too close to Liz.

little too close to Liz. I cry foul on the contacts, by the way,

I cry foul on the contacts, by the way, I said, unwilling to let a damn Cupid

I said, unwilling to let a damn Cupid steal her attention. You little cheater.

steal her attention. You little cheater. It's part of the costume, she replied,

It's part of the costume, she replied, shrugging, which did things that made it

shrugging, which did things that made it difficult to be a gentleman. My eyes

difficult to be a gentleman. My eyes definitely wanted to roam, but I kept

definitely wanted to roam, but I kept them trained on red lips and curled

them trained on red lips and curled black lashes because I wasn't an

black lashes because I wasn't an [ __ ] You're telling me that Batgirl

[ __ ] You're telling me that Batgirl has blue eyes, Buckbelm? That you know

has blue eyes, Buckbelm? That you know this to be a fact? Everyone knows that,"

this to be a fact? Everyone knows that," the Cupid said, and I watched him grin

the Cupid said, and I watched him grin at Liz through his stupid pink ski mask.

at Liz through his stupid pink ski mask. "That's a very punchable mouth." "So, we

"That's a very punchable mouth." "So, we should probably schedule our date," I

should probably schedule our date," I said, lightly, grabbing her elbow,

said, lightly, grabbing her elbow, feeling a jolt as my fingertips slid

feeling a jolt as my fingertips slid over soft Lizzy's skin. "Now," she said,

over soft Lizzy's skin. "Now," she said, irritation in her tone, which irritated

irritation in her tone, which irritated me a little. do it later," Cupid said,

me a little. do it later," Cupid said, waving a hand like it was silliness that

waving a hand like it was silliness that could wait. "And that irritated me a

could wait. "And that irritated me a lot." Then he reached into his

lot." Then he reached into his half-dress and threw pink dust in my

half-dress and threw pink dust in my face. "I wasn't talking to you," I said

face. "I wasn't talking to you," I said through gritted teeth, looking around

through gritted teeth, looking around for an escape. "For somewhere, anywhere

for an escape. "For somewhere, anywhere where Liz and I weren't with the goddamn

where Liz and I weren't with the goddamn Cupid, which was ironic, right? Weren't

Cupid, which was ironic, right? Weren't Cupid supposed to be shooting arrows of

Cupid supposed to be shooting arrows of love at us? This guy sucked at his job.

love at us? This guy sucked at his job. I reached for the knob on the door

I reached for the knob on the door beside us and it turned. "Yes,

beside us and it turned. "Yes, here," I said, pushing open the end of

here," I said, pushing open the end of the hallway door. "Just give me 2

the hallway door. "Just give me 2 minutes." She was blinking fast as I

minutes." She was blinking fast as I sort of moved her gently toward that

sort of moved her gently toward that door. "Wes,

door. "Wes, she'll be right back," I said to the

she'll be right back," I said to the Cupid, who tilted his head but didn't

Cupid, who tilted his head but didn't say a word. "That's right, Cupid. Shut

say a word. "That's right, Cupid. Shut up."

up." We walked through the door, but as soon

We walked through the door, but as soon as it closed behind us, I couldn't find

as it closed behind us, I couldn't find a wall switch. And it was dark. "Wes,"

a wall switch. And it was dark. "Wes," she exclaimed, jerking out of my hands.

she exclaimed, jerking out of my hands. "What the hell?" "I just need a minute

"What the hell?" "I just need a minute without Cupid butting in." "Where are

without Cupid butting in." "Where are the lights?" I said under my breath,

the lights?" I said under my breath, moving my hand over the surface of the

moving my hand over the surface of the wall. "Oh, this is perfect," Liz

wall. "Oh, this is perfect," Liz muttered. And then her phone's

muttered. And then her phone's flashlight lit up the darkness. She

flashlight lit up the darkness. She gasped. "Oh my god. Oh my god, indeed. I

gasped. "Oh my god. Oh my god, indeed. I agreed, freezing as my eyes took in all

agreed, freezing as my eyes took in all the creepiness of the rickety staircase

the creepiness of the rickety staircase in front of us, of the boxes of God only

in front of us, of the boxes of God only knows what that were piled beside the

knows what that were piled beside the steps. "You shoved me into an attic,"

steps. "You shoved me into an attic," she said in a whisper scream as if she

she said in a whisper scream as if she thought someone was in there with us. "I

thought someone was in there with us. "I didn't know," I said, reaching for the

didn't know," I said, reaching for the door knob. "This is spooky as hell.

door knob. "This is spooky as hell. Understatement of the year," she agreed.

Understatement of the year," she agreed. But the doornob wouldn't turn. I applied

But the doornob wouldn't turn. I applied pressure, but that thing wasn't budging

pressure, but that thing wasn't budging at all. Okay, don't freak out, Bucks

at all. Okay, don't freak out, Bucks bounc, but we're kind of maybe locked

bounc, but we're kind of maybe locked in. What? Her hand covered mine and

in. What? Her hand covered mine and tried turning the doororknob, but it was

tried turning the doororknob, but it was very stuck. Oh my god. It's okay, I said

very stuck. Oh my god. It's okay, I said calmly, taking off my ski mask. I'll

calmly, taking off my ski mask. I'll text AJ and he'll come let us out. I'll

text AJ and he'll come let us out. I'll text Campbell, too," she said, pulling

text Campbell, too," she said, pulling off her ski mask and swiping into

off her ski mask and swiping into messages. We each sent a text, our

messages. We each sent a text, our screens bright in the creepy darkness.

screens bright in the creepy darkness. But I wasn't freaked out. I mean, the

But I wasn't freaked out. I mean, the party was so loud that no one would hear

party was so loud that no one would hear us if we started knocking, but we had

us if we started knocking, but we had fully charged phones. And I was with

fully charged phones. And I was with Liz. Even a terrifying dark attic seemed

Liz. Even a terrifying dark attic seemed like a perfect place all of a sudden.

like a perfect place all of a sudden. There were butterflies going wild inside

There were butterflies going wild inside me as I stood next to her in the

me as I stood next to her in the darkness.

darkness. She's so close. It was the last thing I

She's so close. It was the last thing I should be thinking about, but my body

should be thinking about, but my body was hyper aware of the smell of her and

was hyper aware of the smell of her and the way those tall black boots were

the way those tall black boots were close enough to touch. My phone lit up

close enough to touch. My phone lit up when AJ responded. I'm on my way. So is

when AJ responded. I'm on my way. So is Campbell, she said as her phone also lit

Campbell, she said as her phone also lit up. I'm sorry I dragged you in here. I

up. I'm sorry I dragged you in here. I wasn't sorry to be locked in the dark

wasn't sorry to be locked in the dark with her. That was a total lie. But I

with her. That was a total lie. But I was sorry if she was unhappy to be in

was sorry if she was unhappy to be in the dark attic with me. I expected a

the dark attic with me. I expected a snappy comeback, but all she said was,

snappy comeback, but all she said was, "Why do college guys even have an attic

"Why do college guys even have an attic that looks like this?" She held out her

that looks like this?" She held out her phone, illuminating the cobweb covered

phone, illuminating the cobweb covered boxes and blurred shapes that were

boxes and blurred shapes that were packed in the small area. "Because

packed in the small area. "Because they're serial killers, obviously," I

they're serial killers, obviously," I said. But my eyes were stuck on the way

said. But my eyes were stuck on the way her hair looked in the darkness, the

her hair looked in the darkness, the perfection of her profile in the dim

perfection of her profile in the dim light of the phone. Obviously, she

light of the phone. Obviously, she agreed, watching me watch her before

agreed, watching me watch her before quickly looking away. There was a noise

quickly looking away. There was a noise like someone was messing with the

like someone was messing with the doororknob, but I set my hand on it and

doororknob, but I set my hand on it and it wasn't turning at all. Powers, I

it wasn't turning at all. Powers, I yelled, putting my mouth next to the

yelled, putting my mouth next to the door. I could hear male voices, but

door. I could hear male voices, but there was too much noise for me to make

there was too much noise for me to make out what they were saying. My phone lit

out what they were saying. My phone lit up. AJ, there's a tiny problem. Uh, I

up. AJ, there's a tiny problem. Uh, I started to say, but then Liz said,

started to say, but then Liz said, Campbell said the door knob isn't

Campbell said the door knob isn't budging. They're going to find Stark and

budging. They're going to find Stark and see if he's got a key. A key? I bent my

see if he's got a key. A key? I bent my knees and raised my phone so I could see

knees and raised my phone so I could see the knob. I don't see a lock on this

the knob. I don't see a lock on this side at all. This is freaking great, she

side at all. This is freaking great, she said, sounding annoyed. I'm sure he's

said, sounding annoyed. I'm sure he's got a key, I said, trying to reassure

got a key, I said, trying to reassure her. You said yourself that it doesn't

her. You said yourself that it doesn't look like there's a lock, she snapped,

look like there's a lock, she snapped, her voice thick with frustration.

her voice thick with frustration. Relax, Bucks Bomb. It's going to be

Relax, Bucks Bomb. It's going to be okay, I said, wondering if this was

okay, I said, wondering if this was about the closet or if it was about me.

about the closet or if it was about me. Are you claustrophobic?

Are you claustrophobic? No, she bit out. I just don't want to be

No, she bit out. I just don't want to be here. So, it was about me. They're

here. So, it was about me. They're probably going to find our bloated,

probably going to find our bloated, spider bitten corpses when they finally

spider bitten corpses when they finally get in, she said. And it reminded me so

get in, she said. And it reminded me so much of little Liz that the

much of little Liz that the disappointment took a backseat to

disappointment took a backseat to amusement.

amusement. Christ, that's a little dark. Well,

Christ, that's a little dark. Well, something made all of these webs, right?

something made all of these webs, right? I choose not to think about it. I turned

I choose not to think about it. I turned my head and said, "I wonder what it's

my head and said, "I wonder what it's like up the stairs.

like up the stairs. A graveyard of demented dolls and

A graveyard of demented dolls and mannequins, I would guess." I heard

mannequins, I would guess." I heard Liz's phone buzz, saw the screen light

Liz's phone buzz, saw the screen light up, and she said, "It's Campbell." I

up, and she said, "It's Campbell." I watched her as she read the message.

watched her as she read the message. "No, no, no, no, no, no." She whed,

"No, no, no, no, no, no." She whed, looking up at me. Her face was

looking up at me. Her face was illuminated by the phone. That slick

illuminated by the phone. That slick mouth all lit up, and something about it

mouth all lit up, and something about it made my pulse speed up. Look. She held

made my pulse speed up. Look. She held out the phone so I could read the

out the phone so I could read the message. Apparently, Nick's landlord had

message. Apparently, Nick's landlord had a key, but the guy was 30 minutes away.

a key, but the guy was 30 minutes away. Campbell and Leo were going to go get

Campbell and Leo were going to go get it, but we'd have to wait until they

it, but we'd have to wait until they returned. I knew I shouldn't be happy,

returned. I knew I shouldn't be happy, especially when it was obvious Liz

especially when it was obvious Liz wasn't. But how could I not be? I'd just

wasn't. But how could I not be? I'd just been given the gift of 30 uninterrupted

been given the gift of 30 uninterrupted minutes with Liz. I was going to make

minutes with Liz. I was going to make the most of this situation and try to

the most of this situation and try to nudge us past this place we were stuck

nudge us past this place we were stuck in. I know exactly what we can do while

in. I know exactly what we can do while we wait, I said. Her expression was

we wait, I said. Her expression was priceless, like she seriously thought I

priceless, like she seriously thought I was suggesting we get after it in a

was suggesting we get after it in a creepy attic full of spiderw webs. I was

creepy attic full of spiderw webs. I was half laughing when I said, "Get your

half laughing when I said, "Get your mind out of the gutter, Bucks Bomb. I

mind out of the gutter, Bucks Bomb. I only meant that we can play 20 questions

only meant that we can play 20 questions and get to know each other." "I thought

and get to know each other." "I thought you already know me better than anyone,"

you already know me better than anyone," she said in a mocking voice. "Well, then

she said in a mocking voice. "Well, then now is my chance to prove it," I said,

now is my chance to prove it," I said, wondering if it were possible to

wondering if it were possible to hyperventilate on someone's perfume.

hyperventilate on someone's perfume. "Because I can never quite stop myself

"Because I can never quite stop myself from taking little sipping sniffs

from taking little sipping sniffs whenever I was near her." But let's see

whenever I was near her." But let's see what's up the stairs first. "Are you

what's up the stairs first. "Are you kidding me?" she said in a high-pitched

kidding me?" she said in a high-pitched voice. "No way. I am going up those

voice. "No way. I am going up those rickety steps." "Oh, come on, Lib," I

rickety steps." "Oh, come on, Lib," I said, turning on my flashlight and

said, turning on my flashlight and stepping closer to the stairs. "Where's

stepping closer to the stairs. "Where's your sense of adventure? That's what the

your sense of adventure? That's what the next victim says in every horror movie."

next victim says in every horror movie." "She wasn't wrong, but as I put my foot

"She wasn't wrong, but as I put my foot on the bottom step, I saw it. There's a

on the bottom step, I saw it. There's a window up here. So Chucky can push us to

window up here. So Chucky can push us to our deaths, she quipped, sounding

our deaths, she quipped, sounding hesitant. Grab the back of my shirt, I

hesitant. Grab the back of my shirt, I said. And follow me. I will slay any

said. And follow me. I will slay any villains who come for you. I promise.

villains who come for you. I promise. Yeah, but what if you're the villain?

Yeah, but what if you're the villain? Luring you to the creepy attic after

Luring you to the creepy attic after making sure there's no key to the door?

making sure there's no key to the door? I asked, wanting to grunt in

I asked, wanting to grunt in satisfaction when I felt her fingers

satisfaction when I felt her fingers grab onto the bottom of my shirt. Then

grab onto the bottom of my shirt. Then I'd say I'm really incredibly brilliant.

I'd say I'm really incredibly brilliant. Yeah, and I know you're not that. She

Yeah, and I know you're not that. She teased and it felt like a win. Teasing

teased and it felt like a win. Teasing was one of the ways we'd always

was one of the ways we'd always communicated, so it felt closer to right

communicated, so it felt closer to right with us when she forgot herself and

with us when she forgot herself and mocked me. I started up the stairs and

mocked me. I started up the stairs and she fisted the back of my shirt

she fisted the back of my shirt following. I honestly hadn't expected

following. I honestly hadn't expected her to do it, to touch me, so I was kind

her to do it, to touch me, so I was kind of in no hurry to get those stairs

of in no hurry to get those stairs climbed. And when we got to the top, it

climbed. And when we got to the top, it was surprisingly

was surprisingly empty. Where's all the stuff? I shined

empty. Where's all the stuff? I shined the light around and the big open attic

the light around and the big open attic was almost completely vacant of things,

was almost completely vacant of things, aside from a few random small boxes and

aside from a few random small boxes and a rocking chair. The antithesis of the

a rocking chair. The antithesis of the area down the steps. The ghosts have to

area down the steps. The ghosts have to live up here, Liz said, her hands still

live up here, Liz said, her hands still on my lower back. So they Marie Condoed

on my lower back. So they Marie Condoed the space. Makes sense," I said, walking

the space. Makes sense," I said, walking over to the window. I tried sliding it

over to the window. I tried sliding it open, and after a moment of sticking, it

open, and after a moment of sticking, it came free. And hell yes, I saw exactly

came free. And hell yes, I saw exactly what I'd been hoping for. "Come on," I

what I'd been hoping for. "Come on," I said, unwilling to turn around because I

said, unwilling to turn around because I didn't want her to let go of my shirt.

didn't want her to let go of my shirt. "This is perfect." I stepped through the

"This is perfect." I stepped through the window opening and out onto the roof,

window opening and out onto the roof, which thankfully was the perfect kind of

which thankfully was the perfect kind of roof to sit on. It didn't have a crazy

roof to sit on. It didn't have a crazy pitch, and there was a flat area just

pitch, and there was a flat area just outside the window, as if the space was

outside the window, as if the space was created especially for Midnight's Under

created especially for Midnight's Under the Stars. "I'm not sure we should go on

the Stars. "I'm not sure we should go on the roof," she said, following me

the roof," she said, following me through the window. "And then I heard

through the window. "And then I heard her breathe a startled." "Oh,

her breathe a startled." "Oh, I did look back at her then and she

I did look back at her then and she smiled." "Right," I said, and she let go

smiled." "Right," I said, and she let go of my shirt. "Not too bad for being

of my shirt. "Not too bad for being locked in an attic. Those doling

locked in an attic. Those doling ganganger kids would have loved this.

ganganger kids would have loved this. Sit, I said, pointing to the flat spot

Sit, I said, pointing to the flat spot just outside the window that had a

just outside the window that had a wooden ledge instead of shingles. And

wooden ledge instead of shingles. And who the hell are the doling ganganger

who the hell are the doling ganganger kids from flowers in the attic? She

kids from flowers in the attic? She looked at me like she thought that would

looked at me like she thought that would make sense as she tucked her dress. Good

make sense as she tucked her dress. Good god, that dress underneath her and sat

god, that dress underneath her and sat down on the roof. The book? Never heard

down on the roof. The book? Never heard of it, I said, sitting down beside her.

of it, I said, sitting down beside her. probably for the best. It doesn't hold

probably for the best. It doesn't hold up well to analysis.

up well to analysis. She looked out at the night sky and

She looked out at the night sky and said, "This is a little incredible."

said, "This is a little incredible." "Wow," I said, resting my arms on my

"Wow," I said, resting my arms on my knees and looking down. Not only could

knees and looking down. Not only could we see the stars, but we had a nice

we see the stars, but we had a nice vantage point over the streets of the

vantage point over the streets of the neighborhood. I hadn't planned to get

neighborhood. I hadn't planned to get locked in an attic with Liz, but this

locked in an attic with Liz, but this was a spectacular setup. So, question

was a spectacular setup. So, question number one. I never agreed to 20

number one. I never agreed to 20 questions, she said. For the record, let

questions, she said. For the record, let the record show Miss Bucks Bomb is

the record show Miss Bucks Bomb is answering under duress. Question number

answering under duress. Question number one, what is your current favorite food?

one, what is your current favorite food? And why did you pretend Clark was your

And why did you pretend Clark was your boyfriend? She looked surprised that I

boyfriend? She looked surprised that I knew about the fake dating thing. Clark,

knew about the fake dating thing. Clark, overcome with guilt, had confessed the

overcome with guilt, had confessed the first time I saw him in LA after the

first time I saw him in LA after the Omaha trip, but not upset. She shrugged

Omaha trip, but not upset. She shrugged and said, "I panicked when I saw you,

and said, "I panicked when I saw you, and it just happened." "And I've been

and it just happened." "And I've been all about the tacos lately. The street

all about the tacos lately. The street taco scene in LA is ridiculous."

taco scene in LA is ridiculous." "Interesting," I said, thinking yet

"Interesting," I said, thinking yet again how much she'd changed. "I haven't

again how much she'd changed. "I haven't actually had a taco in LA yet."

actually had a taco in LA yet." She was looking out at the city when she

She was looking out at the city when she asked, "What are you waiting for,

asked, "What are you waiting for, Bennett?" "For them to be free," I

Bennett?" "For them to be free," I admitted. "Onampus food cost me nothing,

admitted. "Onampus food cost me nothing, so basically Bplate and rendevu are my

so basically Bplate and rendevu are my new favorite restaurants." "Smart," she

new favorite restaurants." "Smart," she said, looking over at me, and I wondered

said, looking over at me, and I wondered what she was thinking. Somehow, I knew

what she was thinking. Somehow, I knew her brain was drilling into that into

her brain was drilling into that into the reality of my financial situation.

the reality of my financial situation. So, my question number one asked under

So, my question number one asked under duress is where the hell is Otis living

duress is where the hell is Otis living these days? That made me laugh because

these days? That made me laugh because she'd always pretended to find my dog

she'd always pretended to find my dog annoying while sneaking him table food

annoying while sneaking him table food through the backyard fence when I wasn't

through the backyard fence when I wasn't looking. He is now the adopted son of

looking. He is now the adopted son of one Michael Young. "Shut up," she said

one Michael Young. "Shut up," she said with wide eyes, forgetting all about the

with wide eyes, forgetting all about the way she didn't know how to act around

way she didn't know how to act around me. "Really?" I nodded and said, "Sarah

me. "Really?" I nodded and said, "Sarah and I couldn't bring him with us to

and I couldn't bring him with us to school, and I was afraid he'd be ignored

school, and I was afraid he'd be ignored if he lived with my mom. So, Michael is

if he lived with my mom. So, Michael is now his father, and we have FaceTime

now his father, and we have FaceTime visitations once a week." "No way," she

visitations once a week." "No way," she said, smiling in spite of herself. "You

said, smiling in spite of herself. "You were absolutely right when Michael moved

were absolutely right when Michael moved back, and you thought he walked on

back, and you thought he walked on water," I said, nudging her shoulder

water," I said, nudging her shoulder with mine. "He does. I swear to God. I'm

with mine. "He does. I swear to God. I'm glad I was right. she said, nudging

glad I was right. she said, nudging back. And I knew she was acknowledging

back. And I knew she was acknowledging the way he'd helped me last year.

the way he'd helped me last year. Question two, asked under duress, of

Question two, asked under duress, of course. It's my turn, I said, scowlling

course. It's my turn, I said, scowlling at her while wanting to do a goddamn

at her while wanting to do a goddamn happy dance because she leaned her

happy dance because she leaned her shoulder into mine. And she wanted to

shoulder into mine. And she wanted to ask me questions.

ask me questions. Please, God, don't let this be a dream.

Please, God, don't let this be a dream. Don't care, she replied. Question two,

Don't care, she replied. Question two, how did you recognize me? I must have

how did you recognize me? I must have forgotten some tiny detail and I need to

forgotten some tiny detail and I need to know what it was. Was there a way to

know what it was. Was there a way to answer that wasn't a verbal vomit of my

answer that wasn't a verbal vomit of my obsession with her? I was looking for

obsession with her? I was looking for your perfect fingernails was psycho

your perfect fingernails was psycho enough to require a restraining order.

enough to require a restraining order. Still, what was the point of lying? I

Still, what was the point of lying? I didn't want to lie to her anymore. Your

didn't want to lie to her anymore. Your smell, I said, and of course, my voice

smell, I said, and of course, my voice cracked like I was a lovesick teenager.

cracked like I was a lovesick teenager. I smelled your perfume and then I saw

I smelled your perfume and then I saw your mouth. My mouth? She repeated,

your mouth. My mouth? She repeated, scoffing like it was a silly accident.

scoffing like it was a silly accident. Libby, I don't know if you know this,

Libby, I don't know if you know this, but I am obsessed with your mouth. I

but I am obsessed with your mouth. I admitted knowing I should back off, but

admitted knowing I should back off, but I felt bold as she started fast

I felt bold as she started fast blinking. I've never seen anything as

blinking. I've never seen anything as beautiful as the way your lips slide

beautiful as the way your lips slide into a smile. So that slick red lipstick

into a smile. So that slick red lipstick served as like a matador's cape.

served as like a matador's cape. Please don't call yourself a bull, she

Please don't call yourself a bull, she interrupted. To this bull right here, I

interrupted. To this bull right here, I said, unable to look at anything but her

said, unable to look at anything but her mouth. God save me, she sighed, her

mouth. God save me, she sighed, her voice light as a breath. From a boy who

voice light as a breath. From a boy who refers to himself as a dangerous boine.

refers to himself as a dangerous boine. Dangerous boine? I looked into her eyes

Dangerous boine? I looked into her eyes so close and didn't even know what we

so close and didn't even know what we were talking about because her lips were

were talking about because her lips were so close to my lips. You really know how

so close to my lips. You really know how to make a guy feel uncool? She shrugged.

to make a guy feel uncool? She shrugged. Any guy comparing himself to a raging

Any guy comparing himself to a raging bull is uncool.

bull is uncool. So mean. I shook my head and my eyes

So mean. I shook my head and my eyes were back on her mouth on those slick

were back on her mouth on those slick lips. I can't keep my eyes off your

lips. I can't keep my eyes off your mouth for real, though. She swallowed

mouth for real, though. She swallowed but didn't say anything. And I wasn't

but didn't say anything. And I wasn't sure if that was a good sign or a bad

sure if that was a good sign or a bad sign. Can I ask you a question? I said

sign. Can I ask you a question? I said my gaze on hers as an invisible string

my gaze on hers as an invisible string pulled me closer. That's the game, she

pulled me closer. That's the game, she said. But it came out as almost a

said. But it came out as almost a whisper. If you and I were just a random

whisper. If you and I were just a random Batman and Backro at a Halloween party

Batman and Backro at a Halloween party with zero history and we were locked in

with zero history and we were locked in an attic and taking refuge on the roof.

an attic and taking refuge on the roof. I managed, feeling like I was drugged as

I managed, feeling like I was drugged as she watched me with interest in those

she watched me with interest in those eyes. Yeah, she replied, and it was a

eyes. Yeah, she replied, and it was a whisper this time.

whisper this time. And I did this, I said, lowering my head

And I did this, I said, lowering my head and sipping at her breath with my own.

and sipping at her breath with my own. Would you let me kiss you? In that

Would you let me kiss you? In that scenario, she said, her lips almost

scenario, she said, her lips almost touching mine. Probably yes. My head

touching mine. Probably yes. My head exploded.

exploded. That's not who we are, though, she

That's not who we are, though, she whispered, her eyes heavy-litted.

whispered, her eyes heavy-litted. But I ran my knuckle over her cheekbone,

But I ran my knuckle over her cheekbone, my hand shaking as she watched me, as

my hand shaking as she watched me, as she didn't pull back. What if we

she didn't pull back. What if we pretend? She swallowed and said nothing.

pretend? She swallowed and said nothing. But she still didn't pull back. It felt

But she still didn't pull back. It felt like we were both leaning toward each

like we were both leaning toward each other, hovering, waiting for the

other, hovering, waiting for the decision to be made for us. So, I

decision to be made for us. So, I lowered my head and played the part of a

lowered my head and played the part of a random Batman. "Come on, Batgirl." Um,"

random Batman. "Come on, Batgirl." Um," she whispered, then slid her fingers

she whispered, then slid her fingers through the sides of my hair, pulling my

through the sides of my hair, pulling my mouth to hers.

mouth to hers. Time shifted because everything went

Time shifted because everything went slow motion at first as I felt her hands

slow motion at first as I felt her hands on me as my mouth met those slick lips.

on me as my mouth met those slick lips. Every nerve ending in my body crackled,

Every nerve ending in my body crackled, every hair stood on end as the awareness

every hair stood on end as the awareness of Liz overwhelmed my senses. And then

of Liz overwhelmed my senses. And then it detonated and sped out of control.

it detonated and sped out of control. Suddenly, my mouth was opening her

Suddenly, my mouth was opening her mouth, my palms sliding up the smooth

mouth, my palms sliding up the smooth skin of her face as I held her in place.

skin of her face as I held her in place. I felt weak when she angled her head and

I felt weak when she angled her head and opened her lips underneath mine. Her

opened her lips underneath mine. Her fingers flexing in my hair as her tongue

fingers flexing in my hair as her tongue slid inside my mouth. It was

slid inside my mouth. It was outrageously hot the way she licked into

outrageously hot the way she licked into me and everything in my head exploded as

me and everything in my head exploded as she made a noise in her throat,

she made a noise in her throat, impatient. That left all indecision

impatient. That left all indecision behind. I forgot everything. Where we

behind. I forgot everything. Where we were, how to be chill, and devoured her

were, how to be chill, and devoured her mouth, desperately taking every kiss she

mouth, desperately taking every kiss she was willing to feed me. Liz was in

was willing to feed me. Liz was in control, her teeth driving me wild,

control, her teeth driving me wild, while her busy tongue wormed me with its

while her busy tongue wormed me with its hunger. And it felt like my chest was

hunger. And it felt like my chest was too tight. Am I having a heart attack?

too tight. Am I having a heart attack? She'd always kissed like some sort of a

She'd always kissed like some sort of a mythological sex goddess, demanding

mythological sex goddess, demanding everything while delivering more. And

everything while delivering more. And holy [ __ ] praise the Lord. That hadn't

holy [ __ ] praise the Lord. That hadn't changed a bit. My heart was racing as

changed a bit. My heart was racing as one thought. This is Liz. This is Liz,

one thought. This is Liz. This is Liz, yelled through my mind. My hands found

yelled through my mind. My hands found her waist and pulled her closer me on

her waist and pulled her closer me on that roof, wrapping around her and

that roof, wrapping around her and squeezing her body tighter against mine.

squeezing her body tighter against mine. Home. Home. Home. Home. As I ate at her

Home. Home. Home. Home. As I ate at her sweet mouth like it was a delicacy I'd

sweet mouth like it was a delicacy I'd beg for and knew I'd never get again. I

beg for and knew I'd never get again. I wanted to hold her there and never let

wanted to hold her there and never let her go.

her go. I consumed her, dipping into everything

I consumed her, dipping into everything I could get as I felt her arms snake

I could get as I felt her arms snake around my shoulders, taking everything

around my shoulders, taking everything she was willing to give and pulling it

she was willing to give and pulling it deep inside me. Her breathing was

deep inside me. Her breathing was erratic, and I loved it because it

erratic, and I loved it because it mirrored my own. I could hear noises

mirrored my own. I could hear noises from the street below, and I didn't care

from the street below, and I didn't care about anything other than Liz

about anything other than Liz Bucksbound. A stadium full of priests

Bucksbound. A stadium full of priests watching wouldn't have stopped me at

watching wouldn't have stopped me at that moment. Literally, they wouldn't.

that moment. Literally, they wouldn't. Feast your eyes on this, fathers. I

Feast your eyes on this, fathers. I opened my eyes, somehow needing

opened my eyes, somehow needing confirmation that it was actually Liz

confirmation that it was actually Liz and that she was actually back in my

and that she was actually back in my arms. And her bright eyes fluttered open

arms. And her bright eyes fluttered open at the same moment. Something was

at the same moment. Something was exchanged in the look. Questions maybe.

exchanged in the look. Questions maybe. But we didn't stop kissing. Our mouths

But we didn't stop kissing. Our mouths turned slow and languid, tracing tongues

turned slow and languid, tracing tongues and nipping teeth. And it was somehow

and nipping teeth. And it was somehow even hotter than the wild, hungry

even hotter than the wild, hungry kisses.

kisses. It felt like so many other times. Stolen

It felt like so many other times. Stolen kisses and quiet moments. Her dorm room,

kisses and quiet moments. Her dorm room, my dorm room, the beach at sunset. Back

my dorm room, the beach at sunset. Back before I lost my mind and lost her

before I lost my mind and lost her completely.

completely. She blinked. Blinked again. And a tiny

She blinked. Blinked again. And a tiny crinkle formed between her eyebrows. I

crinkle formed between her eyebrows. I lifted my mouth and whispered against

lifted my mouth and whispered against her lips, "You okay, Lib?"

>> Chapter 36. It isn't like I don't like you, Susan,

It isn't like I don't like you, Susan, because after all, in moments of quiet,

because after all, in moments of quiet, I'm strangely drawn toward you. But,

I'm strangely drawn toward you. But, well, there haven't been any quiet

well, there haven't been any quiet moments.

moments. Bringing up baby

Bringing up baby Liz,

was I okay? That depends.

That depends. On the one hand, I was hot and cold and

On the one hand, I was hot and cold and feeling more alive than I'd felt in

feeling more alive than I'd felt in years. Two years to be exact.

years. Two years to be exact. But on the other hand, I felt queasy as

But on the other hand, I felt queasy as I looked at him, because this felt like

I looked at him, because this felt like such a terrible idea. That handsome face

such a terrible idea. That handsome face was the one I'd pictured while I cried a

was the one I'd pictured while I cried a thousand tears. And even though he

thousand tears. And even though he hadn't cheated, my brain couldn't change

hadn't cheated, my brain couldn't change the fact that he was the avatar of my

the fact that he was the avatar of my heartbreak.

heartbreak. God, was I seriously trying to do this

God, was I seriously trying to do this again with him? I was an idiot, right? A

again with him? I was an idiot, right? A big huge foolish idiot who kind of just

big huge foolish idiot who kind of just wanted to stay here and keep being an

wanted to stay here and keep being an idiot.

idiot. I nodded, looking into his brown eyes

I nodded, looking into his brown eyes and wondering how to feel safe with

and wondering how to feel safe with this.

this. He was watching me, his face impossible

He was watching me, his face impossible to read as his fingers stroked along my

to read as his fingers stroked along my lower back.

lower back. And I said, "I can't believe Otis lives

And I said, "I can't believe Otis lives with Michael now."

with Michael now." His eyes lowered a little, like he was

His eyes lowered a little, like he was confused by my words

confused by my words or like he didn't like them.

or like he didn't like them. He probably expected we'd talk after the

He probably expected we'd talk after the kiss because we definitely weren't a

kiss because we definitely weren't a random Batman and Batgirl at a party, no

random Batman and Batgirl at a party, no matter how badly we wanted to pretend.

matter how badly we wanted to pretend. Random superheroes didn't kiss like

Random superheroes didn't kiss like that.

that. Everything about the kiss had felt like

Everything about the kiss had felt like coming home, like a reunion,

coming home, like a reunion, like some kind of agreement had been

like some kind of agreement had been reached.

reached. That kiss had been the heroine and hero

That kiss had been the heroine and hero running toward each other while the

running toward each other while the music crescendoed.

music crescendoed. That kiss had been Elizabeth Bennett

That kiss had been Elizabeth Bennett telling Darcy that his hands were cold.

telling Darcy that his hands were cold. That kiss,

That kiss, God help me, had been the one that lets

God help me, had been the one that lets you know the characters are finally

you know the characters are finally going to end up together.

going to end up together. But no agreement had been reached.

But no agreement had been reached. And I wasn't ready to talk because I had

And I wasn't ready to talk because I had no idea how I felt or what I wanted.

no idea how I felt or what I wanted. Yeah. And he loves it.

Yeah. And he loves it. Wes kept his hands on my lower back

Wes kept his hands on my lower back holding me in place. And I could feel

holding me in place. And I could feel the press of all 10 fingers.

the press of all 10 fingers. His dark eyes were intense, so directly

His dark eyes were intense, so directly on me that it seemed like he could see

on me that it seemed like he could see my every thought when he said,

my every thought when he said, "So, we just kissed lip."

"So, we just kissed lip." I swallowed and looked out at the night

I swallowed and looked out at the night below, mostly because I needed to avoid

below, mostly because I needed to avoid his gaze. Looking at Wes made me so

his gaze. Looking at Wes made me so confused.

confused. We were pretending, remember?

We were pretending, remember? He made a noise in his throat. Come on.

He made a noise in his throat. Come on. What? I said lightly as if it was no big

What? I said lightly as if it was no big deal. As if that kiss hadn't just

deal. As if that kiss hadn't just scrambled my brain.

scrambled my brain. Don't wipe me, he said half smiling, but

Don't wipe me, he said half smiling, but his voice was dead serious.

his voice was dead serious. That wasn't pretend, Liz.

That wasn't pretend, Liz. Leo's voice came from inside the attic.

Leo's voice came from inside the attic. Out here, I yelled, jumping away from

Out here, I yelled, jumping away from Wes and awkwardly climbing to my feet. I

Wes and awkwardly climbing to my feet. I stumbled in the stiletto boots, but

stumbled in the stiletto boots, but Wes's hand was just there, steadying me,

Wes's hand was just there, steadying me, like that was where it belonged.

like that was where it belonged. "You sure you're okay?" he asked

"You sure you're okay?" he asked quietly, watching me with an unreadable

quietly, watching me with an unreadable expression.

expression. "I'm fine," I managed,

"I'm fine," I managed, looking into those dark eyes just before

looking into those dark eyes just before Leo popped his head through the window.

Leo popped his head through the window. "You're free," he said.

"You're free," he said. and Campbell was beside him holding an

and Campbell was beside him holding an actual flashlight.

actual flashlight. Their ski masks were a little jarring

Their ski masks were a little jarring now because I'd been a million miles

now because I'd been a million miles away in a land where nothing existed

away in a land where nothing existed except West Bennett and the stars.

except West Bennett and the stars. "Thank you," I said, ducking to climb

"Thank you," I said, ducking to climb back inside. "For going to get the key."

back inside. "For going to get the key." "Of course, sweets," Leo said, helping

"Of course, sweets," Leo said, helping me in. "Was it terrible?"

me in. "Was it terrible?" I sensed Wes climbing inside behind me,

I sensed Wes climbing inside behind me, waiting for my answer.

waiting for my answer. Now, it wasn't terrible at all.

Now, it wasn't terrible at all. That was what was so confusing.

That was what was so confusing. Being with him was never terrible. I

Being with him was never terrible. I could be locked inside a creepy spider

could be locked inside a creepy spider attic, forced to take refuge on a roof,

attic, forced to take refuge on a roof, yet somehow still have a great time, and

yet somehow still have a great time, and be kissed like that, like he was leaving

be kissed like that, like he was leaving for war and knew he'd never kiss again.

for war and knew he'd never kiss again. No, I managed, realizing my hands were

No, I managed, realizing my hands were shaking. I was with Batman, so it was

shaking. I was with Batman, so it was okay.

okay. "Hey, Wes,"

"Hey, Wes," Campbell said, smiling at him and then

Campbell said, smiling at him and then giving me a holy [ __ ] look. "If you're

giving me a holy [ __ ] look. "If you're really Batman, how come you couldn't

really Batman, how come you couldn't break out of here?" "Maybe I didn't want

break out of here?" "Maybe I didn't want to," he said in that deep voice. And

to," he said in that deep voice. And dear God, there was no way I could look

dear God, there was no way I could look at him. Leo giggled, which made Wes say,

at him. Leo giggled, which made Wes say, "Who are you?"

"Who are you?" And he said it in the same tone he'd

And he said it in the same tone he'd used if he were asking Leo why he'd just

used if he were asking Leo why he'd just soiled himself. Like he was disgusted.

soiled himself. Like he was disgusted. "I am Cupid, the god of love," Leo said

"I am Cupid, the god of love," Leo said dramatically, tossing a handful of

dramatically, tossing a handful of confetti at Wes. Let's go do shots, bad

confetti at Wes. Let's go do shots, bad boy.

boy. Man, it's Batman.

Man, it's Batman. Wes growled, which made Leo and Campbell

Wes growled, which made Leo and Campbell burst into laughter.

burst into laughter. We all exited the attic room, and the

We all exited the attic room, and the second we stepped into the hallway, we

second we stepped into the hallway, we were back in loud chaos. The party was

were back in loud chaos. The party was even more crowded than before. And after

even more crowded than before. And after I followed Leo downstairs, embarrassed

I followed Leo downstairs, embarrassed because I'd lost my ski mask so everyone

because I'd lost my ski mask so everyone could see that latex batgirl was Liz

could see that latex batgirl was Liz Bucks,

Bucks, I looked behind me and realized he was

I looked behind me and realized he was gone.

gone. I scanned the packed party, but I

I scanned the packed party, but I couldn't see him anywhere, which

couldn't see him anywhere, which immediately made me panic. Was he

immediately made me panic. Was he avoiding me now? Was he mad?

avoiding me now? Was he mad? I hated how insecure he made me feel

I hated how insecure he made me feel after everything that had happened. Like

after everything that had happened. Like things could shift at any given moment.

things could shift at any given moment. But then my phone buzzed.

But then my phone buzzed. Wes, three things. Bucks.

Wes, three things. Bucks. I'm more obsessed with your mouth now

I'm more obsessed with your mouth now than ever before.

than ever before. AJ almost got in a fight, so we're

AJ almost got in a fight, so we're leaving before he does something stupid.

leaving before he does something stupid. I'll pick you up tomorrow at 7:00.

Chapter 37. I will never stop trying because when

I will never stop trying because when you find the one, you never give up.

you find the one, you never give up. Crazy stupid love.

Crazy stupid love. Wes.

Wes. Oh my god. Would you look at our boy? I

Oh my god. Would you look at our boy? I did a spin as I walked into the living

did a spin as I walked into the living room, grinning at AJ and Wade as they

room, grinning at AJ and Wade as they mocked my jacket and tie. I knew it was

mocked my jacket and tie. I knew it was probably overkill for a date, but this

probably overkill for a date, but this wasn't just any date. This was the date

wasn't just any date. This was the date that had the power to change everything.

that had the power to change everything. So, yes, I spent some extra time on my

So, yes, I spent some extra time on my appearance. Is Mick in his room? I

appearance. Is Mick in his room? I asked, anxious to get going. He'd agreed

asked, anxious to get going. He'd agreed to let me borrow Alice for the night

to let me borrow Alice for the night after much begging. So, I was ready to

after much begging. So, I was ready to get the keys and take off.

get the keys and take off. Yeah, Wade said, but I think he's on the

Yeah, Wade said, but I think he's on the phone. I knocked on the door before

phone. I knocked on the door before pushing it open and saying, "Kease,

pushing it open and saying, "Kease, please." Mickey looked up from his

please." Mickey looked up from his computer. "You ready to go?" "Hi, Wes."

computer. "You ready to go?" "Hi, Wes." His mom said from the screen, smiling.

His mom said from the screen, smiling. He talked to her every day, the little

He talked to her every day, the little mama's boy. And I'd be lying if I said I

mama's boy. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little jealous of how close

wasn't a little jealous of how close they were. "How's your ankle?" I glanced

they were. "How's your ankle?" I glanced at Mick, who shrugged and said, "It's a

at Mick, who shrugged and said, "It's a funny story I had to tell her. It's

funny story I had to tell her. It's better, Mrs. Solomon, I said. Thank you.

better, Mrs. Solomon, I said. Thank you. Nice, Sue. She gestured with her hands

Nice, Sue. She gestured with her hands for me to do a spin. Tonight's the big

for me to do a spin. Tonight's the big date. Christ, did he tell you everything

date. Christ, did he tell you everything about my life? I said, laughing in spite

about my life? I said, laughing in spite of my nervousness as I spun around. Of

of my nervousness as I spun around. Of course I did, because she likes to know

course I did, because she likes to know what my little pals are up to. Mick

what my little pals are up to. Mick pulled his keyring out of his pocket and

pulled his keyring out of his pocket and tossed it over. Be gentle with Alice.

tossed it over. Be gentle with Alice. She's fragile. I will. Thanks a lot,

She's fragile. I will. Thanks a lot, man. No problem. Good night, Mrs.

man. No problem. Good night, Mrs. Solomon. I said, waving to his mother on

Solomon. I said, waving to his mother on the FaceTime screen. Good night and good

the FaceTime screen. Good night and good luck, Wesley.

luck, Wesley. As soon as I closed the door to his room

As soon as I closed the door to his room and he started talking again, I put on

and he started talking again, I put on my shoes. Of course, it was hard to tie

my shoes. Of course, it was hard to tie them while flipping off AJ and Mick for

them while flipping off AJ and Mick for taking photos like they were my parents,

taking photos like they were my parents, and I was going to prom. I was laughing

and I was going to prom. I was laughing my ass off as they yelled to me from the

my ass off as they yelled to me from the stairs. And it wasn't until I was in the

stairs. And it wasn't until I was in the car and driving toward Liz's place that

car and driving toward Liz's place that I got insanely nervous. Not to be with

I got insanely nervous. Not to be with her because that was the easiest thing

her because that was the easiest thing in the world to be. No, I was nervous

in the world to be. No, I was nervous about how hopeful I was. It was so

about how hopeful I was. It was so close, finally within reach, that I was

close, finally within reach, that I was terrified it was going to disappear,

terrified it was going to disappear, which explained why I could barely speak

which explained why I could barely speak when Liz opened the door and said, "Hi."

when Liz opened the door and said, "Hi." I couldn't think of a response or any

I couldn't think of a response or any words at all. So, I parided Liz while my

words at all. So, I parided Liz while my heart rate skyrocketed.

heart rate skyrocketed. Hi. She was standing there in her

Hi. She was standing there in her apartment doorway looking like a

apartment doorway looking like a goddess. And I was reduced to a caveman

goddess. And I was reduced to a caveman who just stared with his mouth hanging

who just stared with his mouth hanging wide open. But she was wearing this

wide open. But she was wearing this frothy gauzy black dress that exposed

frothy gauzy black dress that exposed her bare shoulders and a lot of leg that

her bare shoulders and a lot of leg that was supported by black high heels that

was supported by black high heels that had criss-cross ties around her ankles.

had criss-cross ties around her ankles. Hella distracting those. I feel like

Hella distracting those. I feel like it's cliche to say this as I arrived for

it's cliche to say this as I arrived for a date, I said, lost in the way her long

a date, I said, lost in the way her long curls framed her face. But you are so

curls framed her face. But you are so stunning, it hurts, Bugs Bow. The arch

stunning, it hurts, Bugs Bow. The arch of her eyebrows, the high flush on her

of her eyebrows, the high flush on her cheeks, the clear gloss on her mouth.

cheeks, the clear gloss on her mouth. Would I ever get tired of looking at

Would I ever get tired of looking at her? Her face was the only thing my eyes

her? Her face was the only thing my eyes ever wanted to see. I swear to God. And

ever wanted to see. I swear to God. And she smelled incredible. Thanks, she

she smelled incredible. Thanks, she said. her lips turning up into a tiny

said. her lips turning up into a tiny smile. "You look good in a suit,

smile. "You look good in a suit, Bennett. Quit hitting on me. I just got

Bennett. Quit hitting on me. I just got here," I said, trying to calm my nerves.

here," I said, trying to calm my nerves. But tonight felt important for us, like

But tonight felt important for us, like a gateway to the possibility of

a gateway to the possibility of something. I had no margin for error, no

something. I had no margin for error, no wiggle room, so I was determined to make

wiggle room, so I was determined to make it count. "Sorry I'm so aggressive," she

it count. "Sorry I'm so aggressive," she teased. "My bad." You've got to ease

teased. "My bad." You've got to ease into it, I said, loving her tiny smirk

into it, I said, loving her tiny smirk as she tilted her head and pretended to

as she tilted her head and pretended to be annoyed by me. Stick with me and I'll

be annoyed by me. Stick with me and I'll teach you how to have game. That's what

teach you how to have game. That's what I'm afraid of. Neither of us spoke as we

I'm afraid of. Neither of us spoke as we took the elevator downstairs, but I was

took the elevator downstairs, but I was impressed by my ability to appear

impressed by my ability to appear relaxed in spite of the fact that my

relaxed in spite of the fact that my chest was tight and my heart rate was

chest was tight and my heart rate was elevated to what was surely an unhealthy

elevated to what was surely an unhealthy tripledigit readout. So far, so good.

tripledigit readout. So far, so good. Mickey let me borrow his car and I

Mickey let me borrow his car and I vacuumed it out, but she's pretty rough,

vacuumed it out, but she's pretty rough, I said as we walked outside. Alice and I

I said as we walked outside. Alice and I are old friends, so it's fine, she said.

are old friends, so it's fine, she said. And I was still amazed that she was

And I was still amazed that she was already friends with the teammates who

already friends with the teammates who are my new friends. At least she's

are my new friends. At least she's running. True, I agreed. And I was glad

running. True, I agreed. And I was glad she seemed nervous. Hopefully, it meant

she seemed nervous. Hopefully, it meant that she saw this night as important,

that she saw this night as important, too. The good thing was that we both

too. The good thing was that we both seemed nervous, yet it wasn't an

seemed nervous, yet it wasn't an awkwardness that was heavy on tension.

awkwardness that was heavy on tension. It was like typical first date jitters.

It was like typical first date jitters. But then I started the car and things

But then I started the car and things got weird. She was buckling her seat

got weird. She was buckling her seat belt as I pulled away from the curb and

belt as I pulled away from the curb and she was humming a little. 3 seconds

she was humming a little. 3 seconds later, she asked, "Is this City of

later, she asked, "Is this City of Stars?" I kept my eyes on the road, not

Stars?" I kept my eyes on the road, not wanting to seem too self- congratulatory

wanting to seem too self- congratulatory as I said. It is.

as I said. It is. Wow, she said, sounding confused as the

Wow, she said, sounding confused as the song from La La Land swirled around us

song from La La Land swirled around us and mixed piece of crap car. Confused

and mixed piece of crap car. Confused instead of charmed. I haven't heard that

instead of charmed. I haven't heard that in ages. I had intentionally turned it

in ages. I had intentionally turned it on because she used to love that movie,

on because she used to love that movie, so I was shocked as hell when she hit

so I was shocked as hell when she hit the arrow to forward to the next song.

the arrow to forward to the next song. Okay.

Okay. Unfortunately, my music was on shuffle.

Unfortunately, my music was on shuffle. So, the next song that came on was Club

So, the next song that came on was Club Sandwich, which meant that instead of

Sandwich, which meant that instead of romantic date music, Alice's interior

romantic date music, Alice's interior was now being soiled with a punk rap

was now being soiled with a punk rap song about eating a sandwich in the

song about eating a sandwich in the club. Great running song, but not so

club. Great running song, but not so great for a date. What is this? She

great for a date. What is this? She asked, and when I glanced over, she

asked, and when I glanced over, she looked like she was fighting back a

looked like she was fighting back a smile, which made everything okay. Club

smile, which made everything okay. Club sandwich? I replied around a laugh

sandwich? I replied around a laugh because it was ridiculous that my

because it was ridiculous that my perfect date song had been replaced by

perfect date song had been replaced by Joey Valance in Bray. It's a great

Joey Valance in Bray. It's a great lifting song. I'm not sure I believe

lifting song. I'm not sure I believe you, she teased, a smile finally curving

you, she teased, a smile finally curving her lips. I'm in the club with my

her lips. I'm in the club with my sandwich. Yo, call that a club sandwich.

sandwich. Yo, call that a club sandwich. Yeah, I get that, I said. But kudos to

Yeah, I get that, I said. But kudos to me for finding a song Liz Bucks Bomb

me for finding a song Liz Bucks Bomb doesn't know, right? Sure, she said,

doesn't know, right? Sure, she said, deafly stealing the Bluetooth connection

deafly stealing the Bluetooth connection with her phone. Here, pallet cleanser. I

with her phone. Here, pallet cleanser. I knew it from the first note, even though

knew it from the first note, even though she probably assumed I didn't. I'd

she probably assumed I didn't. I'd listened to a lot of Laney in the secret

listened to a lot of Laney in the secret area when I was depressingly alone in

area when I was depressingly alone in Omaha. And cowboy in LA had been one of

Omaha. And cowboy in LA had been one of my favorite ways to pick at the ironic

my favorite ways to pick at the ironic scab that had been my new life. "Where

scab that had been my new life. "Where are you taking me, by the way?" she

are you taking me, by the way?" she asked, her eyes out the window. I

asked, her eyes out the window. I thought I'd selected the perfect place,

thought I'd selected the perfect place, but her knee-jerk deletion of what I'd

but her knee-jerk deletion of what I'd considered the perfect date song had me

considered the perfect date song had me second-guessing my decision. So, I said,

second-guessing my decision. So, I said, "It's a surprise."

"It's a surprise." When we moved to LA 2 years ago, we'd

When we moved to LA 2 years ago, we'd always said we were going to go on a

always said we were going to go on a date to the restaurant from La La Land.

date to the restaurant from La La Land. So, my thinking for tonight had been,

So, my thinking for tonight had been, what better place to take her for dinner

what better place to take her for dinner while her favorite song from the

while her favorite song from the soundtrack played on the way. She didn't

soundtrack played on the way. She didn't say anything when the restaurant came

say anything when the restaurant came into sight, and I worried I'd gotten it

into sight, and I worried I'd gotten it wrong. I wanted to give her the perfect

wrong. I wanted to give her the perfect romantic night, a new beginning to the

romantic night, a new beginning to the version 2.0 of our story, and I honestly

version 2.0 of our story, and I honestly thought I'd killed it. I didn't know why

thought I'd killed it. I didn't know why it was wrong, but I could tell it wasn't

it was wrong, but I could tell it wasn't right. "Is that okay?" I asked. "No,

right. "Is that okay?" I asked. "No, that's great," she said, pushing up a

that's great," she said, pushing up a very fake smile. "I'm excited."

very fake smile. "I'm excited." It wasn't. And I suspected she wasn't.

It wasn't. And I suspected she wasn't. But why

But why did she hate La La Land now? God, she

did she hate La La Land now? God, she used to love that movie, even though it

used to love that movie, even though it made her cry every time. I hate not

made her cry every time. I hate not knowing her like I used to. I was

knowing her like I used to. I was fascinated by the person she'd become.

fascinated by the person she'd become. But tonight felt like one of those times

But tonight felt like one of those times when I needed to nail the correct

when I needed to nail the correct answers. So, I wasn't happy when, as I

answers. So, I wasn't happy when, as I pulled up to the valet stand, the car

pulled up to the valet stand, the car made a weird noise. It sounded like a

made a weird noise. It sounded like a cough. Then it sputtered and then it

cough. Then it sputtered and then it turned off. "No, no, no, no. That's not

turned off. "No, no, no, no. That's not good," I murmured, turning the key and

good," I murmured, turning the key and giving it gas. But the car just worred

giving it gas. But the car just worred and wouldn't catch. "Come on, Alice."

and wouldn't catch. "Come on, Alice." "Shit."

"Shit." "Good evening, sir," the valet said,

"Good evening, sir," the valet said, pulling my door open as the man looked

pulling my door open as the man looked at the car like it was going to be

at the car like it was going to be physically painful for him to have

physically painful for him to have contact with it. Miss, I heard another

contact with it. Miss, I heard another fancy employee say from the other side

fancy employee say from the other side of the car as he opened Liz's door.

of the car as he opened Liz's door. Hang on for a sec, I said, trying again

Hang on for a sec, I said, trying again to get it to start. It just needs a

to get it to start. It just needs a minute. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Liz

minute. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Liz got out and stepped onto the curb while

got out and stepped onto the curb while I kept trying the same things to get the

I kept trying the same things to get the car to start, even though they weren't

car to start, even though they weren't working. Insane much? I could feel the

working. Insane much? I could feel the valet glaring at me from his spot beside

valet glaring at me from his spot beside the car. I don't know what the problem

the car. I don't know what the problem is, I said repeatedly turning the key

is, I said repeatedly turning the key like an idiot.

like an idiot. Sir, uh, we need this car out of the

Sir, uh, we need this car out of the valet lane. The valet, Greor, according

valet lane. The valet, Greor, according to his name tag, said, "Oh, no shit."

to his name tag, said, "Oh, no shit." "I'm trying, buddy," I snapped, wanting

"I'm trying, buddy," I snapped, wanting him to disappear. We cannot have it

him to disappear. We cannot have it stalled here. The valet looked over the

stalled here. The valet looked over the top of the car and gestured to Liz like

top of the car and gestured to Liz like she had the power to make it magically

she had the power to make it magically start again. "Neither can we," she said,

start again. "Neither can we," she said, her voice loud. "We're doing our best

her voice loud. "We're doing our best here." "Sir, you're going to have to

here." "Sir, you're going to have to push it out of the way," the guy said to

push it out of the way," the guy said to me, pointing to a spot farther down the

me, pointing to a spot farther down the street. "Over there, and then you can

street. "Over there, and then you can have it towed." I could sense the eyes

have it towed." I could sense the eyes of other customers on me as well as

of other customers on me as well as Liz's, and I was mortified. She was

Liz's, and I was mortified. She was probably so embarrassed to be seen with

probably so embarrassed to be seen with me with all this. "Well, I'm going to

me with all this. "Well, I'm going to need your help then," I growled at valet

need your help then," I growled at valet dude, gritting my teeth and wanting to

dude, gritting my teeth and wanting to rage. "Can you at least get in the car

rage. "Can you at least get in the car and steer while I push?" "That's against

and steer while I push?" "That's against policy, I'm afraid," he said, looking

policy, I'm afraid," he said, looking very happy with that fact. "Yeah, you

very happy with that fact. "Yeah, you should be afraid, you dick." "I will,"

should be afraid, you dick." "I will," Liz said, coming around the car. But I

Liz said, coming around the car. But I have to say, you are very not helpful,

have to say, you are very not helpful, Greor. I would have laughed at that, but

Greor. I would have laughed at that, but I was too busy climbing out of the car

I was too busy climbing out of the car and being up close and personal with all

and being up close and personal with all the onlookers who were staring. I could

the onlookers who were staring. I could see in my peripheral vision that my tie

see in my peripheral vision that my tie was wonky, and my face burned as I said

was wonky, and my face burned as I said to Liz, "I'll call Mickey because you

to Liz, "I'll call Mickey because you are not helping while dressed like

are not helping while dressed like that." "Yes, I am," she said, rolling

that." "Yes, I am," she said, rolling her eyes as if she thought not helping

her eyes as if she thought not helping was ludicrous.

was ludicrous. No, you're not, I repeated, rolling my

No, you're not, I repeated, rolling my eyes. Shut up and push, Bennett, while I

eyes. Shut up and push, Bennett, while I steer, she said, putting her hands on my

steer, she said, putting her hands on my chest and giving me a little push out of

chest and giving me a little push out of the way. And quit looking so grumpy.

the way. And quit looking so grumpy. God, I love her. I looked down into her

God, I love her. I looked down into her stubborn face and said, "Fine." She

stubborn face and said, "Fine." She climbed into the car and put it in

climbed into the car and put it in neutral. And when I yelled, "Go," she

neutral. And when I yelled, "Go," she steered while I pushed. It was a warm

steered while I pushed. It was a warm evening, so I was sweating my ass off

evening, so I was sweating my ass off when the car was finally parked and Liz

when the car was finally parked and Liz got out. "I am so sorry about this," I

got out. "I am so sorry about this," I said, taking the keys and setting my

said, taking the keys and setting my hand on her lower back, guiding her

hand on her lower back, guiding her toward the sidewalk in front of the

toward the sidewalk in front of the restaurant. "It doesn't matter," she

restaurant. "It doesn't matter," she shrugged and said. "It's not even your

shrugged and said. "It's not even your car." I called the tow truck and once it

car." I called the tow truck and once it was arranged, I held out the keys to

was arranged, I held out the keys to Gregor. That [ __ ] We have a reservation

Gregor. That [ __ ] We have a reservation inside and the tow truck will be here in

inside and the tow truck will be here in an hour for the car. Here are the keys.

an hour for the car. Here are the keys. Greor looked at the keys like they were

Greor looked at the keys like they were filthy. I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have

filthy. I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stay with the car until the driver

to stay with the car until the driver arrives. But we'll miss our reservation,

arrives. But we'll miss our reservation, I said calmly, refusing to let my anger

I said calmly, refusing to let my anger get the best of me. I already told the

get the best of me. I already told the driver to get the keys from the valet.

driver to get the keys from the valet. It's company policy. You have to stay

It's company policy. You have to stay with the car. Can we change our

with the car. Can we change our reservation? Liz asked. We'll be in as

reservation? Liz asked. We'll be in as soon as the car is picked up.

soon as the car is picked up. I'm sorry, miss, but we are booked this

I'm sorry, miss, but we are booked this evening, so we cannot make any changes.

evening, so we cannot make any changes. I'll leave the keys in the car then, I

I'll leave the keys in the car then, I said, wanting to lose it, wanting to

said, wanting to lose it, wanting to throw a temper tantrum because why the

throw a temper tantrum because why the hell was this happening on the night

hell was this happening on the night where I was supposed to be pulling off

where I was supposed to be pulling off the perfect date. Sir, you have to stay

the perfect date. Sir, you have to stay with your car until the tow arrives. I

with your car until the tow arrives. I looked at Liz, then said to Greor, "What

looked at Liz, then said to Greor, "What if I don't? It's not like this is the

if I don't? It's not like this is the airport where cars aren't allowed to be

airport where cars aren't allowed to be parked for God's sake. We will have your

parked for God's sake. We will have your car towed if it's left unattended.

car towed if it's left unattended. Unfortunately, because this is private

Unfortunately, because this is private property." "Well, that's perfect, isn't

property." "Well, that's perfect, isn't it? Because it's already being towed," I

it? Because it's already being towed," I said through clenched teeth, wanting to

said through clenched teeth, wanting to hurt Gregor the [ __ ] "We're going to go

hurt Gregor the [ __ ] "We're going to go eat, Greg." I grabbed Liz's hand and

eat, Greg." I grabbed Liz's hand and tried to lead her toward the restaurant,

tried to lead her toward the restaurant, but she wasn't budging. She gave me a

but she wasn't budging. She gave me a look and said, "Wes, it's Mix's car.

look and said, "Wes, it's Mix's car. It's Alice. We can't have it end up at

It's Alice. We can't have it end up at some random impound lot." I dragged a

some random impound lot." I dragged a hand through my hair and felt the

hand through my hair and felt the perfect date slipping away. "But we have

perfect date slipping away. "But we have a reservation.

a reservation. I'm not even hungry," she said,

I'm not even hungry," she said, shrugging, then added in a very loud

shrugging, then added in a very loud voice. and I heard the food here sucks.

voice. and I heard the food here sucks. Marry me, Bucks bomb. She squeezed my

Marry me, Bucks bomb. She squeezed my hand and said, "Let's just wait for the

hand and said, "Let's just wait for the tow truck to get Alice and then we'll

tow truck to get Alice and then we'll come up with a plan B." I sighed and

come up with a plan B." I sighed and looked for disappointment in her green

looked for disappointment in her green eyes, but I couldn't find it. "You

eyes, but I couldn't find it. "You sure?" "I'm positive," she said,

sure?" "I'm positive," she said, nodding. "Plan B's are always more fun."

Chapter 38. My nightmares are usually about losing

My nightmares are usually about losing you. I'm okay once I realize you're

you. I'm okay once I realize you're here.

here. Catching fire.

Catching fire. Liz,

is he looking? I glanced toward the valet, my abs seriously sore from

valet, my abs seriously sore from laughing so hard. Oh, yeah. He wants to

laughing so hard. Oh, yeah. He wants to kill us.

kill us. Perfect.

Perfect. Wes grinned and climbed on top of the

Wes grinned and climbed on top of the trunk beside me, on top of the red and

trunk beside me, on top of the red and white plastic tablecloth that he draped

white plastic tablecloth that he draped over the trunk. When I'd said the words

over the trunk. When I'd said the words plan B to Wes, he got that twinkle in

plan B to Wes, he got that twinkle in his eye and then it was on. Wes Bennett

his eye and then it was on. Wes Bennett was supercharged in a way that only Wes

was supercharged in a way that only Wes became supercharged. He clicked into his

became supercharged. He clicked into his Door Dash app, placed a few orders, and

Door Dash app, placed a few orders, and now a mere 20 minutes later, we were

now a mere 20 minutes later, we were having a trunk top candle lit dinner.

having a trunk top candle lit dinner. The tablecloth, candle, and battery

The tablecloth, candle, and battery operated disco ball were from CVS, the

operated disco ball were from CVS, the food from McDonald's.

food from McDonald's. We were sitting there eating Big Macs on

We were sitting there eating Big Macs on top of the trunk while Mick's car stereo

top of the trunk while Mick's car stereo blared the song [ __ ] You by Lily Allen

blared the song [ __ ] You by Lily Allen on repeat.

on repeat. Nice musical selection, Bucks," he said,

Nice musical selection, Bucks," he said, lifting his burger to his mouth. And I

lifting his burger to his mouth. And I realized I was having a very hard time

realized I was having a very hard time looking away from him. It had been that

looking away from him. It had been that way since he'd picked me up because he'd

way since he'd picked me up because he'd always been an attractive person, but

always been an attractive person, but now he'd become something more,

now he'd become something more, bigger, stronger, harder.

bigger, stronger, harder. He was almost too gorgeous to look at.

He was almost too gorgeous to look at. and the suit amped his gorgeousness to

and the suit amped his gorgeousness to an impossible degree. I'd nearly inhaled

an impossible degree. I'd nearly inhaled my gum when he showed up at my door.

my gum when he showed up at my door. The Lily Allen version felt somehow

The Lily Allen version felt somehow classier than CEO Greens, I said. Glad

classier than CEO Greens, I said. Glad it was too dark for him to notice my

it was too dark for him to notice my cheeks.

cheeks. "And this is why you're the expert," he

"And this is why you're the expert," he said, taking a bite. "Unmatched

said, taking a bite. "Unmatched elegance."

elegance." I started laughing again, glad the car

I started laughing again, glad the car had broken down

had broken down because it felt safer with West when we

because it felt safer with West when we were far removed from our past.

were far removed from our past. Sitting here eating on the trunk of a

Sitting here eating on the trunk of a car in front of a famous Burbank

car in front of a famous Burbank restaurant was like a different us.

restaurant was like a different us. It felt like we were two UCLA students

It felt like we were two UCLA students on a date, not two exes with a pile of

on a date, not two exes with a pile of historical baggage.

historical baggage. And I could somehow handle that.

And I could somehow handle that. It was almost like our past was too

It was almost like our past was too exhausting and confusing to my heart.

exhausting and confusing to my heart. Like a complex algebra equation on a

Like a complex algebra equation on a test where it seemed safer to skip it

test where it seemed safer to skip it and just move on to the next question.

and just move on to the next question. Like yes, it was an important problem,

Like yes, it was an important problem, but how could I finish the exam when I

but how could I finish the exam when I didn't even know where to start with

didn't even know where to start with that question?

that question? It was too overwhelming.

It was too overwhelming. When I'd heard City of Stars on the way

When I'd heard City of Stars on the way to the restaurant, I couldn't stop my

to the restaurant, I couldn't stop my brain from remembering the times we'd

brain from remembering the times we'd watched that movie together. Wes used to

watched that movie together. Wes used to think it was adorable, the way it was

think it was adorable, the way it was impossible for me to not cry when Mia

impossible for me to not cry when Mia sees Sebastian at the club. And he used

sees Sebastian at the club. And he used to make it his mission to kiss the cry

to make it his mission to kiss the cry out of me.

out of me. So, the fact that he got us a

So, the fact that he got us a reservation at the club from the movie,

reservation at the club from the movie, the one we talked about visiting on a

the one we talked about visiting on a date during our first time together at

date during our first time together at UCLA,

UCLA, God, I struggled to keep my eyes from

God, I struggled to keep my eyes from tearing up as he proudly told me his

tearing up as he proudly told me his amazingly romantic plan.

amazingly romantic plan. Too overwhelming reconciling all that.

Too overwhelming reconciling all that. But as I sat there with him on the trunk

But as I sat there with him on the trunk of the car, it felt different enough

of the car, it felt different enough that I could relax a little. The part of

that I could relax a little. The part of me that was dying to be with Wes wanted

me that was dying to be with Wes wanted to go that route

to go that route to just pretend the past didn't exist

to just pretend the past didn't exist for a night.

for a night. It was nonsensical, but it kind of felt

It was nonsensical, but it kind of felt like a cheat code, like a skip to the

like a cheat code, like a skip to the good part card.

good part card. So, this internship with Lilith, he

So, this internship with Lilith, he said, picking up his coke, how's it

said, picking up his coke, how's it going? I Googled her and she's like

going? I Googled her and she's like super legit, right?

super legit, right? Yeah, I said, grabbing a fry. She's the

Yeah, I said, grabbing a fry. She's the real deal and it's kind of amazing.

real deal and it's kind of amazing. I went off then because it was

I went off then because it was impossible not to fan girl over Lilith.

impossible not to fan girl over Lilith. I told him all about her work and the

I told him all about her work and the ideas she had for my career and he asked

ideas she had for my career and he asked all the right questions.

all the right questions. So, you get a job in music licensing and

So, you get a job in music licensing and you've got a 9 to5 with a salary and

you've got a 9 to5 with a salary and benefits, but while you do this, your

benefits, but while you do this, your entire job is working with and helping

entire job is working with and helping out all the people you want to work with

out all the people you want to work with as a supervisor. No way. That's genius,

as a supervisor. No way. That's genius, right? I said. And she volunteers all

right? I said. And she volunteers all this helpful stuff to me on a daily

this helpful stuff to me on a daily basis. It's insane how much I've already

basis. It's insane how much I've already gotten out of the internship and it's

gotten out of the internship and it's still new.

still new. Is the constant baseball driving you

Is the constant baseball driving you crazy though? He reached out and grabbed

crazy though? He reached out and grabbed my pickle, then paused.

my pickle, then paused. Wait, can I have

Wait, can I have That made me laugh.

That made me laugh. Yeah, I still hate them. Go ahead.

Yeah, I still hate them. Go ahead. >> Sweet,

>> Sweet, >> he said, tossing it into his mouth.

>> he said, tossing it into his mouth. And the baseball thing is driving me

And the baseball thing is driving me crazy, but only because it's hard to

crazy, but only because it's hard to find time to study. I wiped my fingers

find time to study. I wiped my fingers on a napkin and said, "I actually really

on a napkin and said, "I actually really like producing sports content, believe

like producing sports content, believe it or not." "I forgot to tell you, Lib

it or not." "I forgot to tell you, Lib the super massive black hole reel was so

the super massive black hole reel was so good," he said, grabbing a few fries

good," he said, grabbing a few fries from his plate.

from his plate. I think I watched it a hundred times.

I think I watched it a hundred times. Only because it showcases your pitching,

Only because it showcases your pitching, egoomaniac,

egoomaniac, I teased, feeling something in the

I teased, feeling something in the center of my chest turned to hot liquid

center of my chest turned to hot liquid when he left.

when he left. His eyes were squinty, his dimples

His eyes were squinty, his dimples popping, and I wanted to stay there on

popping, and I wanted to stay there on the trunk of the car laughing with him

the trunk of the car laughing with him forever.

forever. Okay, you did make me look good, he

Okay, you did make me look good, he said, nodding in agreement. But the song

said, nodding in agreement. But the song choice, the camera angles, the way you

choice, the camera angles, the way you paired my release with the perfect spot

paired my release with the perfect spot in the song, it was like a short film.

in the song, it was like a short film. Swear to God.

Swear to God. Thanks, I said, looking down because it

Thanks, I said, looking down because it was embarrassing how much I liked his

was embarrassing how much I liked his praise.

praise. I needed to change the subject away from

I needed to change the subject away from me. So, I asked, "What about you?

me. So, I asked, "What about you? How do you handle all that math and

How do you handle all that math and science when your whole life is

science when your whole life is baseball?"

baseball?" "Do you want the truth?" he said, giving

"Do you want the truth?" he said, giving me that little boy half smile of his.

me that little boy half smile of his. "Or should I try to sound cool?" "Truth

"Or should I try to sound cool?" "Truth only," I said, genuinely curious.

only," I said, genuinely curious. The truth is that I probably love my

The truth is that I probably love my math and science classes as much as I

math and science classes as much as I love baseball. Finding time is hard, he

love baseball. Finding time is hard, he said. But my classes challenge me in a

said. But my classes challenge me in a fun way.

fun way. God, you're such a nerd, I teased,

God, you're such a nerd, I teased, shaking my head. And you're still doing

shaking my head. And you're still doing civil engineering?

civil engineering? He nodded. I was going to do

He nodded. I was going to do architectural until I realized that

architectural until I realized that would only have me designing things like

would only have me designing things like HVAC and lighting, whereas I like to be

HVAC and lighting, whereas I like to be a little more creative. It was weird to

a little more creative. It was weird to think this when we were the same age,

think this when we were the same age, but I was so proud of him as he sat

but I was so proud of him as he sat there telling me about his career goals.

there telling me about his career goals. He wanted to go into water engineering,

He wanted to go into water engineering, like designing dams and focusing on

like designing dams and focusing on watershed management. I didn't even know

watershed management. I didn't even know what that meant. and he was so intent

what that meant. and he was so intent and purposeful that it was a little

and purposeful that it was a little inspiring.

inspiring. Wes Bennett had his [ __ ] together.

Wes Bennett had his [ __ ] together. His phone lit up and Wade's name popped

His phone lit up and Wade's name popped up on the screen. "Come on," he said,

up on the screen. "Come on," he said, grinning as he looked at the message.

grinning as he looked at the message. "Look,

"Look, Wade, text us a selfie. After much

Wade, text us a selfie. After much discourse, we no longer believe that Bxy

discourse, we no longer believe that Bxy would go out with you."

would go out with you." I should say no, I said laughing at the

I should say no, I said laughing at the thought. And let your friends think

thought. And let your friends think you're a liar.

you're a liar. But you won't, he said, leaning closer

But you won't, he said, leaning closer and holding out his phone. Smile, Bucks

and holding out his phone. Smile, Bucks bomb.

bomb. He took the picture, and we both shared

He took the picture, and we both shared a stupid smile as we looked at it

a stupid smile as we looked at it because it was a great picture of two

because it was a great picture of two overdressed people eating fast food on

overdressed people eating fast food on the trunk of a car.

the trunk of a car. He's going to give me so much crap about

He's going to give me so much crap about this fancy dinner, he said, sending the

this fancy dinner, he said, sending the photo.

photo. Yeah, he is. I agreed. How can he be so

Yeah, he is. I agreed. How can he be so obnoxious yet still lovable?

obnoxious yet still lovable? It's a special gift.

It's a special gift. After that, the conversation shifted to

After that, the conversation shifted to Wade and Campbell, which added to my

Wade and Campbell, which added to my enjoyment because they were friends that

enjoyment because they were friends that had nothing to do with our past. He told

had nothing to do with our past. He told me that Wade really did like my roommate

me that Wade really did like my roommate to the point that he was too nervous to

to the point that he was too nervous to ask her out. "Your tow truck!" Greor

ask her out. "Your tow truck!" Greor yelled from where he'd been stationed,

yelled from where he'd been stationed, shooting glares in our direction is

shooting glares in our direction is here.

here. "Thank you to Greor,"

"Thank you to Greor," Wes said loudly, lifting his large

Wes said loudly, lifting his large McDonald's coke. to Greor," I repeated,

McDonald's coke. to Greor," I repeated, tapping my cup against his. The flashing

tapping my cup against his. The flashing yellow lights on the tow truck lit up

yellow lights on the tow truck lit up the darkness, and I was honestly a

the darkness, and I was honestly a little sad to see it because I was

little sad to see it because I was having a great time.

Chapter 39. I'd say it was fate, but you probably

I'd say it was fate, but you probably chose to be 4 minutes late. Love at

chose to be 4 minutes late. Love at first sight.

first sight. Wes,

Wes, I don't want this night to end. It had

I don't want this night to end. It had been a wildly imperfect date, but Liz

been a wildly imperfect date, but Liz didn't seem to mind. Even crammed in the

didn't seem to mind. Even crammed in the front seat of the tow truck between me

front seat of the tow truck between me and the driver, she was grinning.

and the driver, she was grinning. I need more time.

I need more time. Which was why when we pulled up to a red

Which was why when we pulled up to a red light beside the high school that was

light beside the high school that was just up the street from campus, the one

just up the street from campus, the one Mick and I hopped the fence at multiple

Mick and I hopped the fence at multiple times, I came up with a crazy idea. Can

times, I came up with a crazy idea. Can we get out here? I asked the tow truck

we get out here? I asked the tow truck driver. You can just set the car down

driver. You can just set the car down anywhere in the hitch parking lot. The

anywhere in the hitch parking lot. The old guy looked at me like I was nuts.

old guy looked at me like I was nuts. You want to get out here? Liz, on the

You want to get out here? Liz, on the other hand, just narrowed her eyes and

other hand, just narrowed her eyes and looked at me like she was waiting for

looked at me like she was waiting for the details. I need to grab my bag out

the details. I need to grab my bag out of the back seat before you pull away. I

of the back seat before you pull away. I told the driver. Would you mind? He

told the driver. Would you mind? He looked in the rear view mirror and

looked in the rear view mirror and shrugged.

shrugged. There's no one behind me, so go for it.

There's no one behind me, so go for it. I looked at Liz. Are you up for more of

I looked at Liz. Are you up for more of this date night? She made me the

this date night? She made me the happiest guy on the planet when she

happiest guy on the planet when she rolled her eyes, then said, "I don't

rolled her eyes, then said, "I don't have anything else going on." I opened

have anything else going on." I opened the door and we got out of the truck,

the door and we got out of the truck, then ran back to the car to get my bag

then ran back to the car to get my bag before he pulled away. And once he did,

before he pulled away. And once he did, we were suddenly surrounded by the

we were suddenly surrounded by the silence of the residential neighborhood

silence of the residential neighborhood after dark. "Wow, it's so quiet," she

after dark. "Wow, it's so quiet," she said, her voice nearly a whisper as we

said, her voice nearly a whisper as we stood on the sidewalk. "So, what's the

stood on the sidewalk. "So, what's the plan?" "I thought we'd take some BP."

plan?" "I thought we'd take some BP." I'd noticed that Liz always seemed super

I'd noticed that Liz always seemed super engaged during batting practice. She was

engaged during batting practice. She was all over the place, taking a million

all over the place, taking a million shots and looking mesmerized. "So why

shots and looking mesmerized. "So why not hit some balls?" "The school is

not hit some balls?" "The school is closed, dumbass," she said. Her eyes

closed, dumbass," she said. Her eyes narrowed as she looked at the dark,

narrowed as she looked at the dark, deserted baseball field. "If I recall,

deserted baseball field. "If I recall, you know how to climb a fence." She made

you know how to climb a fence." She made a noise that sounded like a cross

a noise that sounded like a cross between a laugh and a groan. True, but I

between a laugh and a groan. True, but I wasn't wearing 4-in wedges at the time.

wasn't wearing 4-in wedges at the time. "I'll throw you over." I volunteered.

"I'll throw you over." I volunteered. "No, thank you," she said, making a face

"No, thank you," she said, making a face like I was ridiculous, but her mouth was

like I was ridiculous, but her mouth was sliding into a smile. "God, I love her."

sliding into a smile. "God, I love her." "I will piggyback climb you," I offered.

"I will piggyback climb you," I offered. "That doesn't even make sense." "Yes, it

"That doesn't even make sense." "Yes, it does," I said, walking close enough to

does," I said, walking close enough to the outfield fence to throw my bag over.

the outfield fence to throw my bag over. "Get on my back, hold on tight, and I'll

"Get on my back, hold on tight, and I'll climb the fence for both of us." Her

climb the fence for both of us." Her eyes got squinty and she said, "I don't

eyes got squinty and she said, "I don't think that will work." "I think it will,

think that will work." "I think it will, Libby. Come on," I urged, bending my

Libby. Come on," I urged, bending my knees and smacking my ass. "Get on." She

knees and smacking my ass. "Get on." She gave a laugh and shook her head. "I

gave a laugh and shook her head. "I think this sounds like a terrible idea."

think this sounds like a terrible idea." "Untie those shoes, though," I said,

"Untie those shoes, though," I said, looking at her feet. "Those shoes made

looking at her feet. "Those shoes made her legs look incredible, but they

her legs look incredible, but they weren't made for climbing fences. I

weren't made for climbing fences. I don't want you breaking your ankle when

don't want you breaking your ankle when we land.

we land. When we land, she said, laughing harder.

When we land, she said, laughing harder. So, you're acknowledging we're going to

So, you're acknowledging we're going to fall. Land is a word that encompasses

fall. Land is a word that encompasses all landings on foot or on ass. I

all landings on foot or on ass. I clarified. Take off your shoes,

clarified. Take off your shoes, sunshine, and let's do this. You're such

sunshine, and let's do this. You're such a bully, she teased. I said, you're such

a bully, she teased. I said, you're such a chicken. Don't Don't make me make the

a chicken. Don't Don't make me make the noise, I taunted, distracted by the

noise, I taunted, distracted by the twinkle in her eyes. Spare me your Bach

twinkle in her eyes. Spare me your Bach box, Bennett, she said, kneeling down

box, Bennett, she said, kneeling down and untying her left shoe. Also, how am

and untying her left shoe. Also, how am I going to see the ball in the dark? I

I going to see the ball in the dark? I have portable lights in my bag. Is that

have portable lights in my bag. Is that a normal baseball thing? She asked,

a normal baseball thing? She asked, untying her right shoe. To carry around

untying her right shoe. To carry around lights. No, but I'm not a normal

lights. No, but I'm not a normal baseball player. That tracks? She

baseball player. That tracks? She stepped out of her shoes and held them

stepped out of her shoes and held them in her hand. Okay, what now? Now, I

in her hand. Okay, what now? Now, I said, grabbing her shoes and throwing

said, grabbing her shoes and throwing them over the fence. You climb on me

them over the fence. You climb on me like a good girl. I'm going to pretend

like a good girl. I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that. Oh, I'm going

you didn't just say that. Oh, I'm going to pretend you secretly loved it. She

to pretend you secretly loved it. She started laughing again, and I bent down

started laughing again, and I bent down so she could jump on my back. Just focus

so she could jump on my back. Just focus on holding on and I'll get us over. Heat

on holding on and I'll get us over. Heat rushed through me as she wrapped her

rushed through me as she wrapped her arms around my neck and jumped as my

arms around my neck and jumped as my hands grabbed the back of those smooth

hands grabbed the back of those smooth legs. "Are you good?" she asked, her

legs. "Are you good?" she asked, her breath warm on the side of my neck.

breath warm on the side of my neck. Baby, I've never been better.

Chapter 40. No matter what happens tomorrow or for

No matter what happens tomorrow or for the rest of my life, I'm happy now

the rest of my life, I'm happy now because I love you.

because I love you. Groundhog Day.

Groundhog Day. Liz,

Liz, I'd like one in the strike zone this

I'd like one in the strike zone this time, Bennett.

time, Bennett. I've been giving you meatballs, Bucks

I've been giving you meatballs, Bucks mam. Wes, who'd stripped down to his

mam. Wes, who'd stripped down to his white undershirt and suitpants made a

white undershirt and suitpants made a face as he hollered at me from the

face as he hollered at me from the pitchers mound. Come on,

pitchers mound. Come on, meatballs that are high and outside. I

meatballs that are high and outside. I hollered back, dissolving into giggles

hollered back, dissolving into giggles when he moved like he was going to hurl

when he moved like he was going to hurl the ball at me. We'd been playing for at

the ball at me. We'd been playing for at least an hour, and I was fairly certain

least an hour, and I was fairly certain neither of us were ever going to quit.

neither of us were ever going to quit. He'd given me his white dress shirt so I

He'd given me his white dress shirt so I could wear it over my dress to avoid a

could wear it over my dress to avoid a wardrobe malfunction, and his jacket was

wardrobe malfunction, and his jacket was lying on the grass in the dark outfield

lying on the grass in the dark outfield right on top of my shoes.

right on top of my shoes. We were a disheveled mess with only home

We were a disheveled mess with only home plate and the pitchers mound

plate and the pitchers mound illuminated,

illuminated, and it was wonderful.

and it was wonderful. I'd been with Wes for hours and had

I'd been with Wes for hours and had completely managed to forget about the

completely managed to forget about the past, to stop overthinking everything.

past, to stop overthinking everything. Tonight had just been fun.

Tonight had just been fun. "Get ready," he yelled, giving me

"Get ready," he yelled, giving me intense eye contact. "Oh, I was born

intense eye contact. "Oh, I was born ready," I said, digging my bare feet

ready," I said, digging my bare feet into the dirt around home plate.

into the dirt around home plate. Wes threw the ball, totally giving me a

Wes threw the ball, totally giving me a baby pitch, but I nailed this one. The

baby pitch, but I nailed this one. The aluminum bat clinkedked, music to my

aluminum bat clinkedked, music to my ears, and I screamed and took off for

ears, and I screamed and took off for first base. Since it was only the two of

first base. Since it was only the two of us, we had imaginary rules in place. The

us, we had imaginary rules in place. The runner had to keep running until the

runner had to keep running until the outfielder caught the ball or was 6 ft

outfielder caught the ball or was 6 ft away from a ball on the ground. Only

away from a ball on the ground. Only then were you allowed to stop at a base.

then were you allowed to stop at a base. Wes caught it but dropped the ball,

Wes caught it but dropped the ball, obviously on purpose, and I kept running

obviously on purpose, and I kept running until he had control as per our rules.

until he had control as per our rules. "You don't seriously think you can make

"You don't seriously think you can make it home, do you?" I heard him yell when

it home, do you?" I heard him yell when I didn't stop at third, sounding like he

I didn't stop at third, sounding like he was sprinting toward me. I just SCREAMED

was sprinting toward me. I just SCREAMED [screaming] and ran as fast as I could

[screaming] and ran as fast as I could toward home plate. I felt him bearing

toward home plate. I felt him bearing down on me. And then I felt him tag me

down on me. And then I felt him tag me with the ball. No,

with the ball. No, I yelled. But his arm came around my

I yelled. But his arm came around my waist to hold me steady so he wouldn't

waist to hold me steady so he wouldn't knock me over. And then he lifted me off

knock me over. And then he lifted me off the ground, wrapping both his arms

the ground, wrapping both his arms around my waist. Bennett, I squealled,

around my waist. Bennett, I squealled, cackling. Put me down.

cackling. Put me down. Not until you take back the high and

Not until you take back the high and outside comment, he said, his voice deep

outside comment, he said, his voice deep and growly in my ear.

and growly in my ear. I won't, I said, breathing heavy from

I won't, I said, breathing heavy from the sprint. You know I won't.

the sprint. You know I won't. Well then, he said, setting my feet on

Well then, he said, setting my feet on the ground and somehow managing to spin

the ground and somehow managing to spin me so I was facing him without letting

me so I was facing him without letting me out of his arms. Guess I'm going to

me out of his arms. Guess I'm going to have to teach you a lesson.

have to teach you a lesson. Oh, big man, I said, my breath coming

Oh, big man, I said, my breath coming fast.

fast. But now it was because of the heat in

But now it was because of the heat in his dark eyes as he looked at me. Please

his dark eyes as he looked at me. Please teach me. His mouth cut me off.

teach me. His mouth cut me off. One minute I was speaking, the next his

One minute I was speaking, the next his lips were on mine, his tongue in my

lips were on mine, his tongue in my mouth, my whimper in his.

mouth, my whimper in his. Dear God, I thought as his arms pulled

Dear God, I thought as his arms pulled me closer, where I was pressed against

me closer, where I was pressed against every inch of him and my eyes closed

every inch of him and my eyes closed automatically.

automatically. It feels good to be back in his arms.

Chapter 41. There I was standing there in the church

There I was standing there in the church and for the first time in my whole life,

and for the first time in my whole life, I realized I totally and utterly loved

I realized I totally and utterly loved one person. And it wasn't the person

one person. And it wasn't the person next to me in the veil. It's the person

next to me in the veil. It's the person standing opposite me now in the rain.

standing opposite me now in the rain. Four weddings in a funeral.

Four weddings in a funeral. Wes.

Wes. The minute my lips landed on hers, the

The minute my lips landed on hers, the teasing torture was left behind. And all

teasing torture was left behind. And all that remained was want. I kissed her

that remained was want. I kissed her mouth the only way I knew how. Obsessed,

mouth the only way I knew how. Obsessed, crazed, needy, and she returned the

crazed, needy, and she returned the favor, delivering hot suction that drove

favor, delivering hot suction that drove me wild. I squeezed her waist, not

me wild. I squeezed her waist, not caring about anything but the way she

caring about anything but the way she kissed me back like she didn't want to

kissed me back like she didn't want to ever stop. I could feel every inch of

ever stop. I could feel every inch of her body against me. And when her finger

her body against me. And when her finger slipped under the back of my t-shirt, I

slipped under the back of my t-shirt, I growled like an animal. She made me

growled like an animal. She made me feral for her. I dropped the ball and

feral for her. I dropped the ball and pulled her tighter against me. my body

pulled her tighter against me. my body pressing into hers from memory like a

pressing into hers from memory like a key into the only lock that would ever

key into the only lock that would ever fit. I cursed into her mouth when I felt

fit. I cursed into her mouth when I felt her legs wrap around me. My knees

her legs wrap around me. My knees literally weak from the intensity of my

literally weak from the intensity of my want. I put my hands underneath her and

want. I put my hands underneath her and started walking away from home plate and

started walking away from home plate and toward the dugout. And the way she

toward the dugout. And the way she tightened her long bare legs around me

tightened her long bare legs around me set me on fire. It got quieter as we

set me on fire. It got quieter as we entered the dugout, and I didn't stop

entered the dugout, and I didn't stop walking until her back was against the

walking until her back was against the wall in the darkness. Until I was

wall in the darkness. Until I was pinning her body against it as we kissed

pinning her body against it as we kissed like we were about to die, and this was

like we were about to die, and this was our last moment together. I had missed

our last moment together. I had missed her for what felt like my entire life.

her for what felt like my entire life. And she was in my arms kissing me, like

And she was in my arms kissing me, like she'd missed me for her entire life. It

she'd missed me for her entire life. It gutted me to be honest. Finally having

gutted me to be honest. Finally having her in my arms, meeting me kiss for kiss

her in my arms, meeting me kiss for kiss after we'd spent the past few hours

after we'd spent the past few hours together felt terrifyingly perfect. Like

together felt terrifyingly perfect. Like each and every wish I'd made upon a

each and every wish I'd made upon a lifetime of stars was coming true all at

lifetime of stars was coming true all at once. This was my Liz finally back in my

once. This was my Liz finally back in my arms. "God, I love you," I said against

arms. "God, I love you," I said against her mouth. Every part of me lost in what

her mouth. Every part of me lost in what was finally found. I leaned into her,

was finally found. I leaned into her, breathing in her perfume as her fingers

breathing in her perfume as her fingers gripped my shoulders. I've missed you so

gripped my shoulders. I've missed you so much. Wes, she breathed, her eyes still

much. Wes, she breathed, her eyes still closed as she whispered into me. Don't

closed as she whispered into me. Don't what? I lifted my mouth, breathing

what? I lifted my mouth, breathing heavy, looking down into sleepy green

heavy, looking down into sleepy green eyes that fluttered open like butterfly

eyes that fluttered open like butterfly wings. She gave her head a shake. Don't

wings. She gave her head a shake. Don't say that. Don't say what. I lowered my

say that. Don't say what. I lowered my head and rubbed my nose against her

head and rubbed my nose against her sweet freckles, flexing my fingers

sweet freckles, flexing my fingers against the softness in my palms. "That

against the softness in my palms. "That you love me," she said, blinking at me

you love me," she said, blinking at me with a wrinkle between her eyebrows.

with a wrinkle between her eyebrows. "Why not?" "Because you can't," she

"Why not?" "Because you can't," she said, shaking her head. "It's too soon."

said, shaking her head. "It's too soon." "Too soon?" I wanted to laugh at that

"Too soon?" I wanted to laugh at that because how in the hell could it be too

because how in the hell could it be too soon? Did you seriously just say that?

soon? Did you seriously just say that? It's like our first date. She dropped

It's like our first date. She dropped her hands from my shoulders and rubbed

her hands from my shoulders and rubbed her lips together, finding her feet

her lips together, finding her feet stepping back from me. You can't love me

stepping back from me. You can't love me already. I felt the distance between us

already. I felt the distance between us grow inches that felt like miles as my

grow inches that felt like miles as my hands became empty. I watched her

hands became empty. I watched her retreat as I said, "Well, I do." "No,

retreat as I said, "Well, I do." "No, you don't," she said emphatically,

you don't," she said emphatically, passionately, almost as if we were

passionately, almost as if we were arguing. She put a little smile on her

arguing. She put a little smile on her face like she was kidding, but it was

face like she was kidding, but it was forced. "Please help me understand

forced. "Please help me understand what's happening here, Lib," I said, a

what's happening here, Lib," I said, a weight settling in my stomach as the

weight settling in my stomach as the thing I thought had returned to me back

thing I thought had returned to me back farther away. "Because I've never

farther away. "Because I've never stopped loving you." She shook her head

stopped loving you." She shook her head back and forth, tucking her hair behind

back and forth, tucking her hair behind her ears and biting down on her lower

her ears and biting down on her lower lip. She looked haunted. Haunted? as she

lip. She looked haunted. Haunted? as she insisted. "No, let's not talk about

insisted. "No, let's not talk about that. I don't want to talk about the

that. I don't want to talk about the past." "I'm not. What the hell is

past." "I'm not. What the hell is happening?" I looked into her green eyes

happening?" I looked into her green eyes and explained, "I'm not talking about

and explained, "I'm not talking about the past, Liz. I'm talking about my

the past, Liz. I'm talking about my feelings for you, Wes." She said it

feelings for you, Wes." She said it through gritted teeth, like she was

through gritted teeth, like she was trying to hold on to her patience or

trying to hold on to her patience or something. I don't want us to do that.

something. I don't want us to do that. Let's just go forward, okay? Let's just

Let's just go forward, okay? Let's just like pretend this is new. You're a

like pretend this is new. You're a freshman who took me out on a date

freshman who took me out on a date tonight. A really great date. Can't we

tonight. A really great date. Can't we just be that for now?

just be that for now? Pain? Was it pain? Pinched in my chest

Pain? Was it pain? Pinched in my chest as she said those words. Because the

as she said those words. Because the whole time I thought we'd been coming

whole time I thought we'd been coming back to each other. Had she been trying

back to each other. Had she been trying to pretend I was someone else? To forget

to pretend I was someone else? To forget everything she'd ever known about me? Is

everything she'd ever known about me? Is that what she has to do to be okay with

that what she has to do to be okay with me? I swallowed and tried to come up

me? I swallowed and tried to come up with words, but the only one that came

with words, but the only one that came to me was, "No." Her eyebrows furrowed

to me was, "No." Her eyebrows furrowed together. "No, we aren't that, Lib. You

together. "No, we aren't that, Lib. You can't pretend that I'm some guy you just

can't pretend that I'm some guy you just met." "Why not? If it means we're able

met." "Why not? If it means we're able to move on," she interrupted, looking

to move on," she interrupted, looking frustrated and almost desperate to

frustrated and almost desperate to convince me. Because you shouldn't have

convince me. Because you shouldn't have to mentally split a person in two in

to mentally split a person in two in order to love them, I replied a little

order to love them, I replied a little too loudly with a voice that was

too loudly with a voice that was cracked. But [ __ ] don't you get it? You

cracked. But [ __ ] don't you get it? You either love me or you don't, I said, not

either love me or you don't, I said, not wanting to face the truth of that

wanting to face the truth of that statement. Because I'm not the kid next

statement. Because I'm not the kid next door or the [ __ ] who broke your heart

door or the [ __ ] who broke your heart or the goddamn freshman who took you out

or the goddamn freshman who took you out on a date tonight. I took a deep breath

on a date tonight. I took a deep breath and proceeded to tell her what she

and proceeded to tell her what she apparently never wanted to hear.

apparently never wanted to hear. I am just Wes [ __ ] Bennett lib. The

I am just Wes [ __ ] Bennett lib. The guy who can't remember a single day in

guy who can't remember a single day in his life when he didn't love you. She

his life when he didn't love you. She watched me with wide eyes, frozen in

watched me with wide eyes, frozen in place, probably thinking I was

place, probably thinking I was absolutely unhinged. I felt like I

absolutely unhinged. I felt like I should add something like just kidding

should add something like just kidding or that's totally fine. But it wasn't

or that's totally fine. But it wasn't fine. Do you know how many 1213s I've

fine. Do you know how many 1213s I've watched pass without you? Tonight it'll

watched pass without you? Tonight it'll be the 720th. I said, the words burning

be the 720th. I said, the words burning my throat. The last thing in the world I

my throat. The last thing in the world I want is to say something that makes that

want is to say something that makes that number infinite. But I also can't let

number infinite. But I also can't let you erase our history. I don't want to

you erase our history. I don't want to remember the bad parts, but I refuse to

remember the bad parts, but I refuse to forget the good. I looked into the only

forget the good. I looked into the only eyes I'd ever loved and confessed

eyes I'd ever loved and confessed because our good moments were the crumbs

because our good moments were the crumbs that fed me for 719 1213s when I was

that fed me for 719 1213s when I was alone. God, Wes. She wiped her eyes and

alone. God, Wes. She wiped her eyes and stepped closer. When you told me the

stepped closer. When you told me the truth the other day, I was so mad at you

truth the other day, I was so mad at you for giving up on us and for not talking

for giving up on us and for not talking to me before you made the decision to

to me before you made the decision to end us that I couldn't think beyond

end us that I couldn't think beyond those facts. I knew you'd been trying to

those facts. I knew you'd been trying to do the right thing. But I also knew that

do the right thing. But I also knew that my heart would never recover from the

my heart would never recover from the loss. Right. That made my stomach hurt

loss. Right. That made my stomach hurt the way it always had when I thought

the way it always had when I thought about how much I'd hurt her. So, my

about how much I'd hurt her. So, my anger made me kind of blind, I guess, to

anger made me kind of blind, I guess, to your sacrifice.

your sacrifice. I was so mad that you did it that I

I was so mad that you did it that I didn't take the time to think about what

didn't take the time to think about what it must have been like for you to do it.

it must have been like for you to do it. I wanted to touch her so badly, but I

I wanted to touch her so badly, but I was too afraid of where this was going.

was too afraid of where this was going. And in my wildest dreams, she said, her

And in my wildest dreams, she said, her voice thick. I never would have imagined

voice thick. I never would have imagined that while I was crying through so many

that while I was crying through so many 1213s,

1213s, you were too.

you were too. You have no idea, Lib. But here's my

You have no idea, Lib. But here's my honest confession, she said, her eyes

honest confession, she said, her eyes bright as she looked up at me. I've

bright as she looked up at me. I've loved you and I've missed you and I've

loved you and I've missed you and I've hated you and regretted you, but I've

hated you and regretted you, but I've never forgiven or forgotten you. So, I

never forgiven or forgotten you. So, I just Excuse me. A bright flashlight

just Excuse me. A bright flashlight shown directly into our faces as a deep

shown directly into our faces as a deep voice said, "Do you two have permission

voice said, "Do you two have permission to be here?" My eyes adjusted to the

to be here?" My eyes adjusted to the garish brightness, and I could see a cop

garish brightness, and I could see a cop staring at us from just outside the

staring at us from just outside the dugout. A cop with his cruiser lights

dugout. A cop with his cruiser lights flashing in the parking lot. I looked at

flashing in the parking lot. I looked at Liz as she stared into the light, her

Liz as she stared into the light, her eyes enormous.

eyes enormous. Oh [ __ ]

Chapter 42. I'm always going to love you. La La

I'm always going to love you. La La Land.

Land. Liz,

Liz, keep going.

keep going. It was 7:00. The sun was in my eyes, and

It was 7:00. The sun was in my eyes, and I just wasn't feeling the run today.

I just wasn't feeling the run today. But I was going to keep going. Usually

But I was going to keep going. Usually running calmed my thoughts, but all it

running calmed my thoughts, but all it had done so far was make me more

had done so far was make me more stressed out as I replayed last night

stressed out as I replayed last night over and over again in my head. It had

over and over again in my head. It had been perfect.

been perfect. Then it wasn't. And then the cop showed

Then it wasn't. And then the cop showed up. How is that the way the night ended?

up. How is that the way the night ended? I thought in mental screaming form as I

I thought in mental screaming form as I ran past the sculpture garden. One

ran past the sculpture garden. One minute we'd been on fire in the dugout,

minute we'd been on fire in the dugout, the next we were fighting, and then we

the next we were fighting, and then we were being questioned by the officials

were being questioned by the officials for breaking and entering. Officer

for breaking and entering. Officer Narata had lectured us about sneaking

Narata had lectured us about sneaking onto the field, told us that he could

onto the field, told us that he could charge us if he wanted to, but he

charge us if he wanted to, but he didn't. And then he proceeded to drive

didn't. And then he proceeded to drive Wes and me home like naughty children.

Wes and me home like naughty children. Since Hitch was closer than my place, he

Since Hitch was closer than my place, he dropped Wes off first. And by the time I

dropped Wes off first. And by the time I got out of the cruiser at my apartment,

got out of the cruiser at my apartment, He had already sent a text.

He had already sent a text. Wes, can I come over and talk to you?

Wes, can I come over and talk to you? I stared at that message for the next 20

I stared at that message for the next 20 minutes trying to figure out what I

minutes trying to figure out what I wanted my answer to be, which had driven

wanted my answer to be, which had driven Clark crazy because he was 100% team

Clark crazy because he was 100% team west. Now, why not talk to him? You're

west. Now, why not talk to him? You're going to leave him on red? You're a

going to leave him on red? You're a monster?

monster? Because if I was being honest, yes, I

Because if I was being honest, yes, I still had huge feelings for Wes. Maybe

still had huge feelings for Wes. Maybe they'd never left, or maybe he'd

they'd never left, or maybe he'd successfully wooed them back. But last

successfully wooed them back. But last night with him, that felt a lot like

night with him, that felt a lot like love.

love. And that was the problem.

And that was the problem. Even though I had those feelings, I

Even though I had those feelings, I still wasn't sure I necessarily wanted

still wasn't sure I necessarily wanted to follow them.

to follow them. There was a very loud voice in my brain

There was a very loud voice in my brain that kept telling me it was safer to

that kept telling me it was safer to just move on from Wes forever. It was

just move on from Wes forever. It was good to know he'd never cheated and

good to know he'd never cheated and wasn't a jerk, but that didn't mean it

wasn't a jerk, but that didn't mean it was good for me to go back to him now.

was good for me to go back to him now. So, when he called three times after I

So, when he called three times after I ignored his text, I turned off my phone.

ignored his text, I turned off my phone. Clark disgustedly went to bed at that

Clark disgustedly went to bed at that point.

point. But I needed to think. Even though I

But I needed to think. Even though I knew it was an irrational thought,

knew it was an irrational thought, something had occurred to me last night

something had occurred to me last night while I sat on the sofa and binge

while I sat on the sofa and binge watched Friends until around 2.

watched Friends until around 2. I knew Wes was sorry he'd hurt me, and

I knew Wes was sorry he'd hurt me, and obviously he'd been going through hell

obviously he'd been going through hell at the time and had done what he thought

at the time and had done what he thought was best.

was best. But would he behave differently if

But would he behave differently if something happened again?

something happened again? If he threw out his shoulder or lost his

If he threw out his shoulder or lost his scholarship and had to quit school,

scholarship and had to quit school, would we deal with it together or would

would we deal with it together or would he walk away from me this time, too?

he walk away from me this time, too? It was an unlikely scenario, but my

It was an unlikely scenario, but my cautious brain couldn't stop asking the

cautious brain couldn't stop asking the question.

question. I was still pondering this idea while I

I was still pondering this idea while I finished my run. I was still pondering

finished my run. I was still pondering it while I showered, and I was still

it while I showered, and I was still pondering it when I let myself into

pondering it when I let myself into Morgan to upload some footage and check

Morgan to upload some footage and check out equipment for the scrimmage that was

out equipment for the scrimmage that was later that day. Would history repeat

later that day. Would history repeat itself?

itself? I really didn't want to see Wes until I

I really didn't want to see Wes until I figured out my own thoughts. So, the

figured out my own thoughts. So, the timing of the scrimmage really sucked

timing of the scrimmage really sucked because there was no way for me to get

because there was no way for me to get out of going without looking like a

out of going without looking like a total coward.

total coward. When I got to my cubicle, I distracted

When I got to my cubicle, I distracted myself by editing film until Clark

myself by editing film until Clark showed up. "So," Clark said, dropping

showed up. "So," Clark said, dropping his stuff onto his desk. "Did you talk

his stuff onto his desk. "Did you talk to him?" "No," I said, not looking up

to him?" "No," I said, not looking up from my computer. "You're a dick," he

from my computer. "You're a dick," he said grumpily, and I heard the tone of

said grumpily, and I heard the tone of his laptop turning on. "At least

his laptop turning on. "At least respond."

respond." I can't though, I said, dragging a hand

I can't though, I said, dragging a hand through my hair. He's going to want to

through my hair. He's going to want to talk, and I don't know how I feel, so I

talk, and I don't know how I feel, so I can't actually have that conversation.

can't actually have that conversation. You can, too. He disagreed, his keyboard

You can, too. He disagreed, his keyboard clicking.

clicking. I don't know what your problem is, Liz.

I don't know what your problem is, Liz. As long as I've known you, you've always

As long as I've known you, you've always been levelheaded, like not dramatic at

been levelheaded, like not dramatic at all. But for some reason, you're acting

all. But for some reason, you're acting like an emotional teenager about this.

like an emotional teenager about this. No, I'm not, I argued, turning my chair

No, I'm not, I argued, turning my chair and wheeling it back a foot so I could

and wheeling it back a foot so I could glare at him. This isn't as simple as

glare at him. This isn't as simple as you want to make it. Yes, it is. No,

you want to make it. Yes, it is. No, it's not. For God's sake, it is, too, he

it's not. For God's sake, it is, too, he said, looking at me through ridiculous

said, looking at me through ridiculous round fashion glasses that had blue

round fashion glasses that had blue Bruins all over them.

Bruins all over them. Bennett loves you, is sorry for hurting

Bennett loves you, is sorry for hurting you, and wants another chance. If you

you, and wants another chance. If you have feelings for him, why wouldn't you

have feelings for him, why wouldn't you give it a shot?

give it a shot? I sighed.

I sighed. It's not that easy.

It's not that easy. It is, [clears throat] but whatever. He

It is, [clears throat] but whatever. He stood and said, "I'm going to get a

stood and said, "I'm going to get a coffee, and don't even ask me to grab

coffee, and don't even ask me to grab one for you because I won't." Clark,

one for you because I won't." Clark, totally serious.

totally serious. He turned and left the production

He turned and left the production office, leaving me alone in the quiet

office, leaving me alone in the quiet that I wanted nothing to do with as the

that I wanted nothing to do with as the door clicked shut behind him.

door clicked shut behind him. Wonderful.

Wonderful. I stood, knowing I should probably go

I stood, knowing I should probably go talk to him. So, when the door squeaked

talk to him. So, when the door squeaked open a minute later, I said without

open a minute later, I said without turning around, "I knew you couldn't

turning around, "I knew you couldn't stay mad." But then I heard the sound of

stay mad." But then I heard the sound of a familiar throat clearing and I smelled

a familiar throat clearing and I smelled him.

him. I took in a deep breath and wondered if

I took in a deep breath and wondered if my imagination was running wild.

my imagination was running wild. Lip.

Lip. His voice was deep and scratchy, like he

His voice was deep and scratchy, like he hadn't really used it yet. When Wes said

hadn't really used it yet. When Wes said from behind me, "Can we please talk?"

from behind me, "Can we please talk?" My heart was instantly racing as I

My heart was instantly racing as I turned around.

turned around. He was standing beside Clark's empty

He was standing beside Clark's empty cubicle a step away, looking down at me

cubicle a step away, looking down at me with a seriousness I almost never saw on

with a seriousness I almost never saw on that face.

that face. His glasses amplified the intensity

His glasses amplified the intensity somehow as his dark eyes watched me from

somehow as his dark eyes watched me from behind the lenses.

behind the lenses. The tips of his hair looked damp, like

The tips of his hair looked damp, like he'd showered, but the walk across

he'd showered, but the walk across campus hadn't completely dried the curly

campus hadn't completely dried the curly ends. and he was wearing gray sweatpants

ends. and he was wearing gray sweatpants with a white Bruins hoodie.

with a white Bruins hoodie. He looked like he'd woken up, thrown on

He looked like he'd woken up, thrown on clothes, and rushed right over.

clothes, and rushed right over. "Um, here's the thing," I said, feeling

"Um, here's the thing," I said, feeling shaky as I met his gaze, clueless how to

shaky as I met his gaze, clueless how to communicate all the things I'd been

communicate all the things I'd been thinking since last night. The sight of

thinking since last night. The sight of him made all my reservations impossible

him made all my reservations impossible to remember,

to remember, so I just said, "I'd rather not."

so I just said, "I'd rather not." His jaw flexed and his eyebrows furrowed

His jaw flexed and his eyebrows furrowed together. "You'd rather not?"

together. "You'd rather not?" I nodded and tucked my hair behind my

I nodded and tucked my hair behind my ears. Nodded again.

ears. Nodded again. "Yeah. Um, I think I just need some time

"Yeah. Um, I think I just need some time to think

to think alone.

Chapter 43. I felt so peaceful and safe because I

I felt so peaceful and safe because I knew that no matter what happened from

knew that no matter what happened from that day on, nothing can ever be that

that day on, nothing can ever be that bad because I had you

bad because I had you 17 again.

17 again. Wes,

Wes, time alone to think.

time alone to think. Why though? I asked stepping closer. I

Why though? I asked stepping closer. I mean, we've had 2 years of thinking

mean, we've had 2 years of thinking alone. Don't you think it might be nice

alone. Don't you think it might be nice to think about this together? She rubbed

to think about this together? She rubbed her forehead with two fingers, looking

her forehead with two fingers, looking somewhere just past me, like she'd

somewhere just past me, like she'd rather do anything than meet my gaze.

rather do anything than meet my gaze. Her voice was quiet when she said, "I

Her voice was quiet when she said, "I just I don't know. I just can't right

just I don't know. I just can't right now. I don't want to pressure you," I

now. I don't want to pressure you," I said, trying my best to sound calm when

said, trying my best to sound calm when I was freaking out. I'd been freaking

I was freaking out. I'd been freaking out since the minute the cops showed up

out since the minute the cops showed up last night and Liz stopped responding to

last night and Liz stopped responding to me because it was impossible to accept

me because it was impossible to accept that we'd come this close and now we

that we'd come this close and now we were going backward again. I touched her

were going backward again. I touched her chin, watching my finger settle on the

chin, watching my finger settle on the delicate dimple, desperate for her to

delicate dimple, desperate for her to stay with me and talk. But I think we

stay with me and talk. But I think we should, Lib, I think we need to so we

should, Lib, I think we need to so we can finally move forward. So much time

can finally move forward. So much time and circumstances happened. But when

and circumstances happened. But when we're together, just the two of us,

we're together, just the two of us, everything is the same, right? I know

everything is the same, right? I know you feel it, too. So, let's talk through

you feel it, too. So, let's talk through the [ __ ] so we can finally be there

the [ __ ] so we can finally be there at that. But I don't know if I want to

at that. But I don't know if I want to be at that, she said, gnawing on her

be at that, she said, gnawing on her lower lip and blinking fast. It felt

lower lip and blinking fast. It felt like somebody cracked me across the

like somebody cracked me across the chest with a board. I might have

chest with a board. I might have flinched as I searched her face for the

flinched as I searched her face for the lie. You don't know if you want to. Her

lie. You don't know if you want to. Her voice was even quieter when she angled

voice was even quieter when she angled her face so I was no longer touching her

her face so I was no longer touching her and said, "I mean, it's all just

and said, "I mean, it's all just happening really fast. A month ago, I

happening really fast. A month ago, I thought you were living on the other

thought you were living on the other side of the country and and none of that

side of the country and and none of that matters, Lib." I interrupted, taking a

matters, Lib." I interrupted, taking a deep breath. So frustrated, I wanted to

deep breath. So frustrated, I wanted to bang my head against the wall. I'd

bang my head against the wall. I'd walked away because I thought it was

walked away because I thought it was best for her. And then when I finally

best for her. And then when I finally made it back, I'd committed myself to

made it back, I'd committed myself to being patient, to going slow, making her

being patient, to going slow, making her my friend first, taking whatever I could

my friend first, taking whatever I could get until she eventually came back to

get until she eventually came back to me. But patient wasn't working at all. I

me. But patient wasn't working at all. I cleared my throat and tried again. We

cleared my throat and tried again. We can re-examine everything that's

can re-examine everything that's happened and we can debate whether or

happened and we can debate whether or not we really know each other anymore

not we really know each other anymore and if we can get past the past. But if

and if we can get past the past. But if we're being honest, when you and I were

we're being honest, when you and I were alone in the same room, we are the same

alone in the same room, we are the same together. I am the same for you and with

together. I am the same for you and with you, as I always have been.

you, as I always have been. She was looking up at me, listening with

She was looking up at me, listening with her eyebrows scrunched together like I'd

her eyebrows scrunched together like I'd completely lost it. You're looking at me

completely lost it. You're looking at me like I'm nuts, honey. And you're right.

like I'm nuts, honey. And you're right. I am. I am out of my mind when it comes

I am. I am out of my mind when it comes to you, I said, shrugging because it was

to you, I said, shrugging because it was a fact. When I'm near you, the way I

a fact. When I'm near you, the way I feel steals the breath from my body.

feel steals the breath from my body. It's like I breathe for you, like I

It's like I breathe for you, like I exist to exist alongside of you. I know

exist to exist alongside of you. I know those feelings are probably too big and

those feelings are probably too big and too scary and put way too much pressure

too scary and put way too much pressure on you. And I'm sorry for that, truly.

on you. And I'm sorry for that, truly. But it's the way I feel, the way I've

But it's the way I feel, the way I've always felt. I needed to change her face

always felt. I needed to change her face to find the perfect words to clear away

to find the perfect words to clear away the doubt in her eyes. But all my mind

the doubt in her eyes. But all my mind was giving me was, "I love you," which I

was giving me was, "I love you," which I knew she didn't want to hear, and random

knew she didn't want to hear, and random lovesick lines from songs. How can I

lovesick lines from songs. How can I convince her? I dragged my desperate

convince her? I dragged my desperate hands through my hair and barked out a

hands through my hair and barked out a laugh, even though nothing was funny. My

laugh, even though nothing was funny. My voice cracked when I said, "And you've

voice cracked when I said, "And you've screwed me up, Lib. Because now I'm

screwed me up, Lib. Because now I'm thinking in lyrics instead of original

thinking in lyrics instead of original thoughts. I'm looking at you and trying

thoughts. I'm looking at you and trying to find the words to convince you to be

to find the words to convince you to be with me. And do you know what comes into

with me. And do you know what comes into my head? You showed me colors, you know,

my head? You showed me colors, you know, I can't see with anyone else. They

I can't see with anyone else. They aren't my words. I don't even know what

aren't my words. I don't even know what song or album they're from for God's

song or album they're from for God's sake, but it's exactly how I feel. And

sake, but it's exactly how I feel. And you taught me a secret language I can't

you taught me a secret language I can't speak with anyone else. Like I can't

speak with anyone else. Like I can't remember who wrote that, but I feel it

remember who wrote that, but I feel it down to the marrow in my bones. Being

down to the marrow in my bones. Being with you has changed the threads of my

with you has changed the threads of my existence. I swear to God. So now being

existence. I swear to God. So now being without you makes everything quieter,

without you makes everything quieter, dimmer, and duller,

dimmer, and duller, so much smaller, and I [ __ ] hate it.

so much smaller, and I [ __ ] hate it. She opened her mouth to speak, but I

She opened her mouth to speak, but I couldn't bear to have her cut me off

couldn't bear to have her cut me off with closure, so I cut her off first.

with closure, so I cut her off first. You can take time alone to think, Lib,

You can take time alone to think, Lib, and you can put space between us and

and you can put space between us and decide I'm not worth the risk, I said,

decide I'm not worth the risk, I said, lowering my forehead to hers for the

lowering my forehead to hers for the briefest of seconds before stepping

briefest of seconds before stepping back. There's nothing I can do to stop

back. There's nothing I can do to stop you from that. But just know that no

you from that. But just know that no matter what you decide, and no matter

matter what you decide, and no matter what happens, I will feel this way about

what happens, I will feel this way about you for the rest of my life. I got you

you for the rest of my life. I got you one, even though Clark walked into the

one, even though Clark walked into the office with two coffees in his hands,

office with two coffees in his hands, nearly mowing me down. Oh, hey Wes. I

nearly mowing me down. Oh, hey Wes. I looked into her eyes, ignoring Clark, my

looked into her eyes, ignoring Clark, my chest burning as I said. There will

chest burning as I said. There will never be anyone else for me. Hard stop.

never be anyone else for me. Hard stop. So go have your think and do what you

So go have your think and do what you need to do. But Lizzy, we are worth the

need to do. But Lizzy, we are worth the risk. We always will be. I'm not sure

risk. We always will be. I'm not sure how I forced myself to step away from

how I forced myself to step away from her, but I did. I pushed past Clark and

her, but I did. I pushed past Clark and left the production office without

left the production office without looking back. mostly because I wasn't

looking back. mostly because I wasn't sure I could handle whatever came next.

sure I could handle whatever came next. The rest of the morning was a blur. I

The rest of the morning was a blur. I went through the motions with the guys,

went through the motions with the guys, getting breakfast and riding over to

getting breakfast and riding over to Jackie and putting on my uniform. But I

Jackie and putting on my uniform. But I felt numb, like the world was spinning

felt numb, like the world was spinning around me, but I was frozen in place

around me, but I was frozen in place because I was losing her, if I ever came

because I was losing her, if I ever came remotely close to having her at all. And

remotely close to having her at all. And it felt like there was nothing I could

it felt like there was nothing I could do to change that fact.

do to change that fact. I stood in front of my locker before the

I stood in front of my locker before the scrimmage, trying my hardest to shut

scrimmage, trying my hardest to shut down the noise in my brain and focus on

down the noise in my brain and focus on baseball. But on top of everything else,

baseball. But on top of everything else, my dad's voice was back in my head. If

my dad's voice was back in my head. If you're thinking about the redhead on

you're thinking about the redhead on game day, Wesley, you're going to screw

game day, Wesley, you're going to screw up. Guaranteed.

up. Guaranteed. Wonderful. That's very helpful. Thank

Wonderful. That's very helpful. Thank you, Dad.

you, Dad. But I couldn't stop. Liz was on my mind

But I couldn't stop. Liz was on my mind as we took the field, and she stayed

as we took the field, and she stayed there during warm-ups. My ability to

there during warm-ups. My ability to tune out the world was failing because

tune out the world was failing because all I could think about was her and us.

all I could think about was her and us. And if we were finished before we ever

And if we were finished before we ever had a chance to get started.

had a chance to get started. I glanced toward the stands as I played

I glanced toward the stands as I played catch with Mick. And almost as if my

catch with Mick. And almost as if my brain had conjured her up, there she

brain had conjured her up, there she was. Instead of being on the field or

was. Instead of being on the field or working just outside the dugout, Liz was

working just outside the dugout, Liz was sitting behind home plate a few rows

sitting behind home plate a few rows back with a long lens camera in her lap

back with a long lens camera in her lap and she was watching me. Our eyes met.

and she was watching me. Our eyes met. Please, Libby. And I tried reading her

Please, Libby. And I tried reading her face. I searched for any sign that might

face. I searched for any sign that might give me hope. The tilt of her head, the

give me hope. The tilt of her head, the curve of her lips, the squint of her

curve of her lips, the squint of her eyes. I sifted through it all but came

eyes. I sifted through it all but came away with nothing.

away with nothing. And then she lowered her eyes to the

And then she lowered her eyes to the camera as if she didn't want me to see

camera as if she didn't want me to see her at all. What the heck, Bennett? I

her at all. What the heck, Bennett? I looked away from her only to see Mick

looked away from her only to see Mick with his hand raised like he was waiting

with his hand raised like he was waiting to throw me the ball. He shook his head

to throw me the ball. He shook his head and grinned like I was hilarious. Maybe

and grinned like I was hilarious. Maybe pay attention, you love sick piece of

pay attention, you love sick piece of [ __ ] "Shut up and throw," I muttered,

[ __ ] "Shut up and throw," I muttered, embarrassed now on top of everything

embarrassed now on top of everything else. "Wesley, you're going to screw up.

else. "Wesley, you're going to screw up. Guaranteed.

Chapter 44. I feel like I've known you my whole

I feel like I've known you my whole life. And did I mention I'm in love with

life. And did I mention I'm in love with you? Descendants 3.

you? Descendants 3. Liz,

Liz, I want to go home.

I want to go home. I watched Wes go back to playing catch,

I watched Wes go back to playing catch, and my stomach was so full of nerves

and my stomach was so full of nerves that I was pretty sure I could vomit on

that I was pretty sure I could vomit on command because the way he'd looked at

command because the way he'd looked at me from the field after everything he

me from the field after everything he had said to me in the office was just

had said to me in the office was just too overwhelming.

too overwhelming. >> Perfect day, the guy behind me said, and

>> Perfect day, the guy behind me said, and he wasn't wrong.

he wasn't wrong. It was sunny and warm without a cloud in

It was sunny and warm without a cloud in the sky. And since it was the last

the sky. And since it was the last scrimmage before fall ball ended, the

scrimmage before fall ball ended, the place was packed.

place was packed. I didn't care though because I couldn't

I didn't care though because I couldn't think about anything but the pitcher.

think about anything but the pitcher. I will feel this way about you for the

I will feel this way about you for the rest of my life.

rest of my life. Dear God, who said things like that?

Dear God, who said things like that? Clark had been extraordinarily nice to

Clark had been extraordinarily nice to me on the way over, mostly because I'd

me on the way over, mostly because I'd burst into tears after Wes left the

burst into tears after Wes left the office, but that somehow made it worse.

office, but that somehow made it worse. I needed to forget everything and work.

I needed to forget everything and work. So when we got to the field and Lilith

So when we got to the field and Lilith was waiting for us, I was relieved. She

was waiting for us, I was relieved. She was in producer mode, all geared up and

was in producer mode, all geared up and immediately asked for a favor. "What's

immediately asked for a favor. "What's up?" I'd asked, reaching into the pocket

up?" I'd asked, reaching into the pocket of my bag to pull out my sunglasses. "Do

of my bag to pull out my sunglasses. "Do you think you can sit in the stands and

you think you can sit in the stands and get some shots of the fans?"

get some shots of the fans?" She turned and pointed her arm in the

She turned and pointed her arm in the direction of home plate. And I want some

direction of home plate. And I want some stills from the stands, like a fans eye

stills from the stands, like a fans eye view of the game. Can you do that?

view of the game. Can you do that? Could I do that? Could I put myself in a

Could I do that? Could I put myself in a position to not have to engage with Wes

position to not have to engage with Wes or the entire team? She couldn't have

or the entire team? She couldn't have asked for a more wonderful favor that

asked for a more wonderful favor that day. Of course, I'd said, nodding. Tell

day. Of course, I'd said, nodding. Tell me everything you need.

me everything you need. Instead of being near the dugout, she

Instead of being near the dugout, she wanted me with the crowd. So, I wandered

wanted me with the crowd. So, I wandered around before the game taking photos of

around before the game taking photos of fans as they bought concessions and

fans as they bought concessions and basically looked like walking

basically looked like walking advertisements for UCLA baseball.

advertisements for UCLA baseball. It was escapism from the stress of

It was escapism from the stress of figuring out what to do about Wes. Thank

figuring out what to do about Wes. Thank God. The only problem was that once he

God. The only problem was that once he took the field for warm-ups, he was my

took the field for warm-ups, he was my focal point. If I looked straight ahead,

focal point. If I looked straight ahead, there he was, the center point of my

there he was, the center point of my sighteline.

sighteline. and it was impossible for me to tear my

and it was impossible for me to tear my eyes away.

eyes away. I'd always been obsessed with the way he

I'd always been obsessed with the way he looked when he was playing baseball.

looked when he was playing baseball. But that afternoon, after everything he

But that afternoon, after everything he just said to me, I couldn't stop looking

just said to me, I couldn't stop looking at him.

at him. I exist to exist alongside of you.

I exist to exist alongside of you. But then he saw me. I gasped and looked

But then he saw me. I gasped and looked away, but not before meeting stormy

away, but not before meeting stormy brown eyes that felt like they could

brown eyes that felt like they could read my very soul.

read my very soul. The game started and I sat in my seat

The game started and I sat in my seat behind home plate about eight rows back,

behind home plate about eight rows back, capturing the action from the center of

capturing the action from the center of the stance. My peripheral vision was

the stance. My peripheral vision was always aware of where the tall pitcher

always aware of where the tall pitcher in the number 32 jersey was, but I

in the number 32 jersey was, but I refused to focus on him

refused to focus on him until he took the mount.

until he took the mount. It was a laid-back scrimmage where

It was a laid-back scrimmage where everyone played, and apparently the

everyone played, and apparently the fourth inning was his.

fourth inning was his. I watched as he came out, and the sight

I watched as he came out, and the sight of his intense face brought back

of his intense face brought back memories of him kissing me against the

memories of him kissing me against the dugout wall,

dugout wall, of him knowing exactly how many 1213s

of him knowing exactly how many 1213s we'd been apart.

we'd been apart. 719.

719. Of him saying, "I exist to exist

Of him saying, "I exist to exist alongside of you."

alongside of you." His eyes found mine through the long

His eyes found mine through the long lens, and he swallowed and clenched that

lens, and he swallowed and clenched that hard jaw. I felt like I couldn't

hard jaw. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I had no idea what that look

breathe. I had no idea what that look was. Anger, sadness,

was. Anger, sadness, but I felt it in my belly as we watched

but I felt it in my belly as we watched each other.

each other. And then it was gone because he was

And then it was gone because he was throwing the ball.

throwing the ball. The first pitch was a fast ball that the

The first pitch was a fast ball that the hitter didn't even swing at. Damn, he

hitter didn't even swing at. Damn, he was good.

was good. He caught the ball when Mick threw it

He caught the ball when Mick threw it back, gave it a flip, trailed his

back, gave it a flip, trailed his fingers over the seam before bringing it

fingers over the seam before bringing it in for the next windup.

in for the next windup. He took a deep breath, kicked his front

He took a deep breath, kicked his front leg, and threw what looked like a

leg, and threw what looked like a slider. I still wasn't good at

slider. I still wasn't good at identifying pitches. The batter got a

identifying pitches. The batter got a piece of that one, sending a line drive

piece of that one, sending a line drive into the infield. Only it came back at

into the infield. Only it came back at Wes. The ball hit him in the center of

Wes. The ball hit him in the center of his chest before it bounced onto the

his chest before it bounced onto the field.

field. The first baseman ran over and grabbed

The first baseman ran over and grabbed it, sprinting back to base to get the

it, sprinting back to base to get the out. And it happened so fast that it

out. And it happened so fast that it almost seemed like it didn't bother us.

almost seemed like it didn't bother us. But then he put his hand on his chest

But then he put his hand on his chest and grimaced, took a few steps like he

and grimaced, took a few steps like he was going to walk it off and collapsed

was going to walk it off and collapsed onto the grass. Wes. I leapt to my feet,

onto the grass. Wes. I leapt to my feet, my heart in my throat as I watched him

my heart in my throat as I watched him roll onto his side. A collective gasp

roll onto his side. A collective gasp went up from the stands as coaches ran

went up from the stands as coaches ran over and players, but it was hard to see

over and players, but it was hard to see as they crowded around him and he was

as they crowded around him and he was facing the other way. Move. I wanted to

facing the other way. Move. I wanted to scream to every person who was blocking

scream to every person who was blocking my view. I couldn't see Wes, and I

my view. I couldn't see Wes, and I needed to know if his eyes were open.

needed to know if his eyes were open. Are his eyes open?

Are his eyes open? Is he conscious? I yelled to no one and

Is he conscious? I yelled to no one and everyone, staring at his legs, looking

everyone, staring at his legs, looking for any sign of movement.

for any sign of movement. But there wasn't any. His long legs,

But there wasn't any. His long legs, white baseball pants and tall blue socks

white baseball pants and tall blue socks were still as he lay on the ground.

were still as he lay on the ground. Please, God, let him be okay. Please,

Please, God, let him be okay. Please, please, please, please. Fear clutched at

please, please, please. Fear clutched at my chest and I stood on my tiptoes

my chest and I stood on my tiptoes trying to see, but I couldn't see

trying to see, but I couldn't see anything because everyone in front of me

anything because everyone in front of me was on their feet. "Excuse me," I said

was on their feet. "Excuse me," I said loudly, grabbing my stuff. "I need out."

loudly, grabbing my stuff. "I need out." I pushed past the people in my rope,

I pushed past the people in my rope, blinded by tears as I scrambled to get

blinded by tears as I scrambled to get free. I bumped off of everyone with my

free. I bumped off of everyone with my arms full of gear, rushing to get closer

arms full of gear, rushing to get closer to Wes. He has to be okay. Please,

to Wes. He has to be okay. Please, please be okay.

please be okay. When I finally reached the end of the

When I finally reached the end of the row, I ran down the steps to get closer

row, I ran down the steps to get closer to the field, watching from behind the

to the field, watching from behind the net as Coach Ross crouched beside him,

net as Coach Ross crouched beside him, saying something I couldn't hear.

saying something I couldn't hear. Please sit up, Wes. God, please sit up.

Please sit up, Wes. God, please sit up. The seconds ticked by like hours as the

The seconds ticked by like hours as the only boy I'd ever loved lay on his side

only boy I'd ever loved lay on his side in the middle of the baseball field. I

in the middle of the baseball field. I wanted to tell him. I wanted to shout

wanted to tell him. I wanted to shout the words I should have already said so

the words I should have already said so badly as I gripped the net and waited to

badly as I gripped the net and waited to see any sign that he was going to be

see any sign that he was going to be fine. I needed to see his face, to see

fine. I needed to see his face, to see his smile because my brain was only

his smile because my brain was only showing me the unhappy look we'd

showing me the unhappy look we'd exchanged a few minutes ago.

exchanged a few minutes ago. There will never be anyone for me but

There will never be anyone for me but you. So, you need to be okay,

you. So, you need to be okay, Liz. I looked to my right and Clark was

Liz. I looked to my right and Clark was jogging toward me. And when he reached

jogging toward me. And when he reached my side, he wrapped his huge arms around

my side, he wrapped his huge arms around me. "He's going to be okay, Lizard." "Is

me. "He's going to be okay, Lizard." "Is he?" I said, crying into his shirt

he?" I said, crying into his shirt before quickly pulling away to go back

before quickly pulling away to go back to watching the field. "Because he still

to watching the field. "Because he still hasn't moved." "At least he's awake,

hasn't moved." "At least he's awake, though," Clark said. "That's the He is."

though," Clark said. "That's the He is." I put my hand over my heart, scared to

I put my hand over my heart, scared to believe him.

believe him. Are you sure?

Are you sure? Positive, he said, nodding.

Positive, he said, nodding. I think they're being super careful with

I think they're being super careful with him in case he's got broken ribs or

him in case he's got broken ribs or something. Broken ribs.

something. Broken ribs. Just as Clark said that, Wes slowly sat

Just as Clark said that, Wes slowly sat up. "Oh, thank God," I whispered, wiping

up. "Oh, thank God," I whispered, wiping at the tears that were obstructing my

at the tears that were obstructing my view.

view. Relief flooded me as Ross and another

Relief flooded me as Ross and another coach helped West to his feet. but his

coach helped West to his feet. but his face didn't look right. He looked out of

face didn't look right. He looked out of it and he looked like he was in pain as

it and he looked like he was in pain as the coaches helped him off the field.

the coaches helped him off the field. I stood there in shock for a few minutes

I stood there in shock for a few minutes as the fans clapped for him and the

as the fans clapped for him and the scrimmage started up again, but then I

scrimmage started up again, but then I couldn't wait anymore. I needed to get

couldn't wait anymore. I needed to get to him. "Come on," I said, pointing in

to him. "Come on," I said, pointing in Wes's direction. "He's not okay, Liz."

Wes's direction. "He's not okay, Liz." Lilith grabbed my sleeve. I hadn't even

Lilith grabbed my sleeve. I hadn't even registered she was standing next to me.

registered she was standing next to me. "Listen," she said, leaning closer and

"Listen," she said, leaning closer and lowering her voice, looking around to

lowering her voice, looking around to make sure no one else could hear.

make sure no one else could hear. "They're taking Wes by ambulance to

"They're taking Wes by ambulance to Ronald Reagan. Ross thinks he's okay,

Ronald Reagan. Ross thinks he's okay, but they want to get some X-rays and

but they want to get some X-rays and stuff to rule out broken ribs or a

stuff to rule out broken ribs or a punctured lung." "Is that a

punctured lung." "Is that a possibility?" I asked, feeling a little

possibility?" I asked, feeling a little lightaded.

lightaded. by ambulance,

by ambulance, punctured lung. I heard sirens in the

punctured lung. I heard sirens in the distance and felt nauseous. "Dear God,

distance and felt nauseous. "Dear God, please let him be okay." "He throws 90

please let him be okay." "He throws 90 mph pitches, so it's definitely

mph pitches, so it's definitely possible," she said, reaching out to

possible," she said, reaching out to take the camera from my hands. "Clark, I

take the camera from my hands. "Clark, I need you to drive Liz to the hospital.

need you to drive Liz to the hospital. Can you do that for me?" "Of course." He

Can you do that for me?" "Of course." He looked down at me and smiled softly.

looked down at me and smiled softly. Lilith was giving me such a motherly

Lilith was giving me such a motherly stare that the tears were instantly

stare that the tears were instantly back.

back. I swallowed and said, "Thank you." Clark

I swallowed and said, "Thank you." Clark and I started jogging toward the car,

and I started jogging toward the car, but just before I opened the door, I

but just before I opened the door, I heard Lilith yell, "Go get him, Bucks

heard Lilith yell, "Go get him, Bucks Bomb."

When Clark finally pulled up in front of the ER entrance, I threw open the door

the ER entrance, I threw open the door and ran inside.

and ran inside. I'm going to go park," he yelled out the

I'm going to go park," he yelled out the window. "I'll find you when I get

window. "I'll find you when I get inside."

inside." But when I went in, the woman at the

But when I went in, the woman at the desk wouldn't tell me anything and

desk wouldn't tell me anything and wouldn't let me go through the locked

wouldn't let me go through the locked doors that led to Wes because I wasn't

doors that led to Wes because I wasn't family, even when I begged with tears

family, even when I begged with tears and whining.

and whining. So, I had no choice but to wait.

So, I had no choice but to wait. Once he's stabilized and the doctor has

Once he's stabilized and the doctor has seen him, then I can call the nurse and

seen him, then I can call the nurse and see if someone can take you back.

see if someone can take you back. The lady looked at me like I was the

The lady looked at me like I was the most annoying person on the planet. For

most annoying person on the planet. For now, just take a seat.

now, just take a seat. I can't sit, I said to myself, stepping

I can't sit, I said to myself, stepping away from the desk.

away from the desk. There was a waiting room full of chairs,

There was a waiting room full of chairs, but I couldn't just plop down in between

but I couldn't just plop down in between strangers and sit still like everything

strangers and sit still like everything was fine. Nothing is fine.

was fine. Nothing is fine. I looked around searching for a place to

I looked around searching for a place to pace without driving the other way nuts.

pace without driving the other way nuts. But then I heard Liz. I turned around

But then I heard Liz. I turned around and Coach Ross was walking toward me. I

and Coach Ross was walking toward me. I didn't know the guy and we'd never

didn't know the guy and we'd never spoken, so it was a little jarring

spoken, so it was a little jarring hearing him say my name. He had a

hearing him say my name. He had a reputation for being well hot. But I saw

reputation for being well hot. But I saw nothing but the crease between his

nothing but the crease between his eyebrows and the serious expression on

eyebrows and the serious expression on his face. "How is he?" I asked, running

his face. "How is he?" I asked, running to meet him. "Is he okay?"

to meet him. "Is he okay?" He looked past me at the other people in

He looked past me at the other people in the waiting room before saying, "Why

the waiting room before saying, "Why don't you come back with me?

don't you come back with me? My stomach clenched when he said that

My stomach clenched when he said that because he said it like he didn't want

because he said it like he didn't want to have to tell me bad news in front of

to have to tell me bad news in front of strangers.

strangers. He put his hand on my lower back and led

He put his hand on my lower back and led me through the locked doors which the

me through the locked doors which the desk lady unlocked for him with a smile

desk lady unlocked for him with a smile and I wanted to scream.

and I wanted to scream. As soon as we cleared the doors, he

As soon as we cleared the doors, he gestured toward a tiny waiting room.

gestured toward a tiny waiting room. Lilith called and told me you were on

Lilith called and told me you were on the way, so I thought you might prefer

the way, so I thought you might prefer waiting back here.

waiting back here. >> "We can't go see him?" I asked, craning

>> "We can't go see him?" I asked, craning my neck to see down the hallway of exam

my neck to see down the hallway of exam rooms, not wanting to go into some empty

rooms, not wanting to go into some empty little room where Wes wasn't.

little room where Wes wasn't. They gave him some pain meds, so he's

They gave him some pain meds, so he's resting while they wait on the blood

resting while they wait on the blood work results. "Bood work?" I pushed back

work results. "Bood work?" I pushed back my hair. Why would they need to do blood

my hair. Why would they need to do blood work? He smiled at me like he thought I

work? He smiled at me like he thought I was funny and said, "Jesus, will you

was funny and said, "Jesus, will you relax?

relax? He's going to be fine." "He is?" I

He's going to be fine." "He is?" I stared at him and couldn't tell if he

stared at him and couldn't tell if he was messing with me or not. "Really?

was messing with me or not. "Really? He's got some bruised ribs and doesn't

He's got some bruised ribs and doesn't particularly enjoy taking deep breaths

particularly enjoy taking deep breaths right now, but he's okay," Ross said,

right now, but he's okay," Ross said, smirking like he'd been amused by Wes's

smirking like he'd been amused by Wes's discomfort.

discomfort. The blood work is just to make sure his

The blood work is just to make sure his heart is functioning properly, but

heart is functioning properly, but everything looks good on the X-rays and

everything looks good on the X-rays and CT scan. They're just going to keep him

CT scan. They're just going to keep him overnight for observation.

overnight for observation. "Oh, thank God," I said, feeling so

"Oh, thank God," I said, feeling so relieved. I was actually laded.

relieved. I was actually laded. I blinked fast, not wanting to ball

I blinked fast, not wanting to ball anymore and needed to sit, even though

anymore and needed to sit, even though there was no way in hell I was going to

there was no way in hell I was going to sit. I have to see him. I promise not to

sit. I have to see him. I promise not to wake him up or anything, but I really

wake him up or anything, but I really cannot wait. Room 8, he interrupted,

cannot wait. Room 8, he interrupted, tilting his head and looking at me like

tilting his head and looking at me like I was downright pathetic.

I was downright pathetic. At the end of the hall,

chapter 45. The truth is, I gave my heart away a

The truth is, I gave my heart away a long time ago, my whole heart. And I

long time ago, my whole heart. And I never really got it back. Sweet home,

never really got it back. Sweet home, Alabama.

Alabama. Wes.

Wes. I clenched my jaw and closed my eyes,

I clenched my jaw and closed my eyes, trying my damnedest to function without

trying my damnedest to function without breathing because every time I took a

breathing because every time I took a breath, it felt like I was being kicked

breath, it felt like I was being kicked in the chest. The nurse gave me

in the chest. The nurse gave me something for the pain before leaving to

something for the pain before leaving to get my transfer paperwork going. But so

get my transfer paperwork going. But so far, I wasn't doing a thing, and I

far, I wasn't doing a thing, and I needed to use the facilities.

needed to use the facilities. Now, I knew if I hit the call button for

Now, I knew if I hit the call button for help, as per my nurse's instructions,

help, as per my nurse's instructions, not only would that lady be holding my

not only would that lady be holding my hand for the hallway stroll, but she'd

hand for the hallway stroll, but she'd also be joining me in the men's room for

also be joining me in the men's room for the entire urinal visit. Yes, it was her

the entire urinal visit. Yes, it was her job, but I just wasn't in the mood for

job, but I just wasn't in the mood for that kind of uplose and personal. So, I

that kind of uplose and personal. So, I gritted my teeth and sat up, swinging my

gritted my teeth and sat up, swinging my legs over the side of the bed. [ __ ]

legs over the side of the bed. [ __ ] I literally saw stars as the pain in my

I literally saw stars as the pain in my chest burned and I put my hand on the

chest burned and I put my hand on the spot in an attempt to absorb the

spot in an attempt to absorb the pressure when I kept going, forcing my

pressure when I kept going, forcing my body into a standing position. "Oh, holy

body into a standing position. "Oh, holy shit," I bit out, leaning down and

shit," I bit out, leaning down and putting both hands over the spot as pain

putting both hands over the spot as pain stabbed at me like a hot knife. I was

stabbed at me like a hot knife. I was still shocked the hit hadn't shattered

still shocked the hit hadn't shattered each and every one of my ribs because it

each and every one of my ribs because it felt like the ball had been shot out of

felt like the ball had been shot out of a cannon. For a solid 30 seconds after

a cannon. For a solid 30 seconds after I'd fallen down, I was terrified I was

I'd fallen down, I was terrified I was going into cardiac arrest because it had

going into cardiac arrest because it had been that hard to breathe. Thank God

been that hard to breathe. Thank God Ross had been there to talk me through

Ross had been there to talk me through it. I was careful to be quiet as I

it. I was careful to be quiet as I slipped out of my room, hunched over and

slipped out of my room, hunched over and shuffling like a 100-year-old man and

shuffling like a 100-year-old man and ducked into the restroom just across the

ducked into the restroom just across the hall. Everything hurt when I stood, but

hall. Everything hurt when I stood, but it was worse when I leaned down to wash

it was worse when I leaned down to wash my hands. And then I thought about Liz,

my hands. And then I thought about Liz, which made my heart ache in addition to

which made my heart ache in addition to my chest. Does she know? Does she care?

my chest. Does she know? Does she care? It was totally emo for me to think of

It was totally emo for me to think of that at this moment. But I couldn't help

that at this moment. But I couldn't help it. It seemed I was destined to spend

it. It seemed I was destined to spend the rest of my life thinking about the

the rest of my life thinking about the girl who wasn't sure if she wanted to

girl who wasn't sure if she wanted to think about me at all. So when I came

think about me at all. So when I came out and crossed the hall, I couldn't

out and crossed the hall, I couldn't quite believe my ears. It was her.

quite believe my ears. It was her. So, just keep resting while I talk.

So, just keep resting while I talk. Okay. What the [ __ ] I thought as I

Okay. What the [ __ ] I thought as I heard her voice. Am I dead? Because that

heard her voice. Am I dead? Because that sure as hell sounded like Libby. I

sure as hell sounded like Libby. I stepped into the doorway of my room,

stepped into the doorway of my room, narrowed my eyes to a squint, and holy

narrowed my eyes to a squint, and holy balls, yes, that was definitely Liz's

balls, yes, that was definitely Liz's hair. Either I was dead in heaven was a

hair. Either I was dead in heaven was a hospital room, or she was standing there

hospital room, or she was standing there talking to the privacy curtain that was

talking to the privacy curtain that was pulled closed around my bed. I can't

pulled closed around my bed. I can't wait another second to say this, Wes.

wait another second to say this, Wes. So, if you're asleep, I'll just repeat

So, if you're asleep, I'll just repeat it all after you wake up. She thinks I'm

it all after you wake up. She thinks I'm in there. I knew I should tell her I

in there. I knew I should tell her I wasn't, that I was wide awake and

wasn't, that I was wide awake and listening to her every word, but I

listening to her every word, but I didn't want to interrupt. I put a hand

didn't want to interrupt. I put a hand on the door frame for support, suddenly

on the door frame for support, suddenly able to ignore the pain in my chest.

able to ignore the pain in my chest. Last night, after we got picked up by

Last night, after we got picked up by the cop, I thought I was conflicted over

the cop, I thought I was conflicted over my feelings. this morning too. I thought

my feelings. this morning too. I thought I was confused about everything. But I

I was confused about everything. But I was such an idiot, Wes," she said. And

was such an idiot, Wes," she said. And her voice was thick, like she was

her voice was thick, like she was emotional. "Because when I saw you get

emotional. "Because when I saw you get hit and you were lying on the field,"

hit and you were lying on the field," her voice cracked and she stopped like

her voice cracked and she stopped like she was trying to keep it together,

she was trying to keep it together, which made me struggle to keep my [ __ ]

which made me struggle to keep my [ __ ] together because [ __ ] Liz was here in

together because [ __ ] Liz was here in my hospital room. And it sure sounded

my hospital room. And it sure sounded like she hadn't enjoyed me taking a line

like she hadn't enjoyed me taking a line drive to the chest. That was a pretty

drive to the chest. That was a pretty low bar, I had to admit. But I held my

low bar, I had to admit. But I held my breath and waited for more.

breath and waited for more. She's here. When I saw you get hit, I

She's here. When I saw you get hit, I realized there isn't anything confusing

realized there isn't anything confusing about it at all. I love you. Of course,

about it at all. I love you. Of course, I love you. You're Wes.

I love you. You're Wes. You are the only boy I've ever loved in

You are the only boy I've ever loved in my entire life. I think I've loved you

my entire life. I think I've loved you without stopping since you set me on the

without stopping since you set me on the trunk of my car after prom and kissed me

trunk of my car after prom and kissed me at 12:13.

at 12:13. I felt like I couldn't breathe, but this

I felt like I couldn't breathe, but this time it had nothing to do with baseball

time it had nothing to do with baseball slamming into my ribs. I put my fist

slamming into my ribs. I put my fist over my mouth to keep myself from

over my mouth to keep myself from speaking as I listened to her say what I

speaking as I listened to her say what I daydreamed about her saying for nearly 2

daydreamed about her saying for nearly 2 years. Hell, what I daydreamed about her

years. Hell, what I daydreamed about her saying for forever.

saying for forever. You are the only boy I've ever loved in

You are the only boy I've ever loved in my entire life. It was killing me not to

my entire life. It was killing me not to be able to see her face, but I was

be able to see her face, but I was terrified that a word from me would make

terrified that a word from me would make her and this moment disappear.

her and this moment disappear. And I'd do anything to keep this moment

And I'd do anything to keep this moment from disappearing.

from disappearing. So, I don't want to waste any more time

So, I don't want to waste any more time trying to figure things out with us

trying to figure things out with us because they're already figured out,

because they're already figured out, right? She took in a shaky breath and

right? She took in a shaky breath and said, "There will never be anyone else

said, "There will never be anyone else for me. Hard stop. So, let's get on with

for me. Hard stop. So, let's get on with us. I want us to start immediately,

us. I want us to start immediately, like 0 to 60. Let's get to the good part

like 0 to 60. Let's get to the good part where we're back in a continuous text

where we're back in a continuous text conversation about something stupid like

conversation about something stupid like raccoon memes. I opened my mouth to

raccoon memes. I opened my mouth to respond because I desperately needed to

respond because I desperately needed to look into those emerald eyes while her

look into those emerald eyes while her perfect mouth spoke those perfect words.

perfect mouth spoke those perfect words. But then I took a deep breath. [ __ ]

But then I took a deep breath. [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] That hurts, making it

[ __ ] [ __ ] That hurts, making it impossible to speak. I put my hands over

impossible to speak. I put my hands over my ribs and clenched my teeth to keep me

my ribs and clenched my teeth to keep me from making a noise. But how can my

from making a noise. But how can my chest hurt so much when my heart was

chest hurt so much when my heart was finally [ __ ] healed?

finally [ __ ] healed? And it's incredibly ironic, by the way,

And it's incredibly ironic, by the way, that you used the lyrics from elicit

that you used the lyrics from elicit affairs on me because I actually

affairs on me because I actually banished that song from my life. Wes, I

banished that song from my life. Wes, I did. I deleted it after we broke up

did. I deleted it after we broke up because two specific lines, the very two

because two specific lines, the very two that you quoted, were so painfully

that you quoted, were so painfully perfect for us that they broke me every

perfect for us that they broke me every time I heard them. I tried swallowing,

time I heard them. I tried swallowing, but my throat was too tight. Of course,

but my throat was too tight. Of course, I randomly quoted to her a pair of

I randomly quoted to her a pair of lyrics that she'd already associated

lyrics that she'd already associated with us. The universe was in on it. The

with us. The universe was in on it. The mastermind, I swear to God, because I

mastermind, I swear to God, because I never stopped loving you either, she

never stopped loving you either, she said. and I needed to cut her off and

said. and I needed to cut her off and force her to repeat that sentence a h

force her to repeat that sentence a h 100 times and then a thousand more. I

100 times and then a thousand more. I never stopped loving you. She made a

never stopped loving you. She made a little laugh sound in the back of her

little laugh sound in the back of her throat and said, "Although technically,

throat and said, "Although technically, for the record, it probably started the

for the record, it probably started the day you fixed my bloody nose with your

day you fixed my bloody nose with your shirt, not prom night, but we can figure

shirt, not prom night, but we can figure that out later." That was it. I couldn't

that out later." That was it. I couldn't stay silent another second. Liz was

stay silent another second. Liz was here. Liz was mine. And 1 second more

here. Liz was mine. And 1 second more was 1 second too many. My pulse was

was 1 second too many. My pulse was hammering, pounding in my ears as I

hammering, pounding in my ears as I said, "That's total [ __ ] and you

said, "That's total [ __ ] and you know it."

Chapter 46. No measure of time with you will be long

No measure of time with you will be long enough, but let's start with forever.

enough, but let's start with forever. Breaking Dawn, part one.

Breaking Dawn, part one. Liz.

Liz. Oh my god. I gasped and turned around,

Oh my god. I gasped and turned around, covering my heart with my hands, and

covering my heart with my hands, and there was Wes. Instead of lying on the

there was Wes. Instead of lying on the bed behind the curtain, he was standing

bed behind the curtain, he was standing behind me in the doorway of the exam

behind me in the doorway of the exam room. His hair was a mess. He was

room. His hair was a mess. He was clutching his ribs with his left hand.

clutching his ribs with his left hand. And Wes Bennett was wearing a baby blue

And Wes Bennett was wearing a baby blue hospital gown with bright yellow grippy

hospital gown with bright yellow grippy socks on his feet.

socks on his feet. I didn't want to cry again. But seeing

I didn't want to cry again. But seeing him upright looking so beautifully

him upright looking so beautifully ridiculous made me feel like balling all

ridiculous made me feel like balling all over again.

over again. Thank you, God.

Thank you, God. I pointed to the curtain and stupidly

I pointed to the curtain and stupidly said, "I thought you were in there."

said, "I thought you were in there." He slid the door closed behind him, his

He slid the door closed behind him, his mouth a hard line as he looked at me and

mouth a hard line as he looked at me and said, "I went down the hall, and when I

said, "I went down the hall, and when I came back to my room, there you were."

came back to my room, there you were." His face was impossible to read.

His face was impossible to read. He didn't look mad, but he didn't look

He didn't look mad, but he didn't look happy either,

happy either, which was scary because I'd just bared

which was scary because I'd just bared my soul to him. My heart was pounding.

my soul to him. My heart was pounding. My hands were shaking. And my face was

My hands were shaking. And my face was on fire as I wondered what he was

on fire as I wondered what he was thinking.

thinking. I said, "So you heard um what I I heard

I said, "So you heard um what I I heard everything."

everything." He said, his jaw flexing

He said, his jaw flexing and I call [ __ ]

and I call [ __ ] What?

What? I've been so desperate to tell him I

I've been so desperate to tell him I loved him that I hadn't considered he

loved him that I hadn't considered he might not believe me.

might not believe me. Which part are you calling [ __ ]

Which part are you calling [ __ ] Well, come here first, he said, his

Well, come here first, he said, his voice kind of growly.

voice kind of growly. Because I'm going to die if I don't

Because I'm going to die if I don't touch you soon.

touch you soon. I crossed the room in a second,

I crossed the room in a second, basically running to him on shaky legs

basically running to him on shaky legs as hot brown eyes burned me with their

as hot brown eyes burned me with their attention.

attention. God, I love him.

God, I love him. When I stopped in front of him, tilting

When I stopped in front of him, tilting my head back to look up at him,

my head back to look up at him, butterflies went wild in my stomach.

butterflies went wild in my stomach. "The dates are total BS, Box Bump," he

"The dates are total BS, Box Bump," he said, putting his big hands on my waist

said, putting his big hands on my waist and turning us, maneuvering me so my

and turning us, maneuvering me so my back was suddenly pressed against the

back was suddenly pressed against the closed door. "It wasn't prom or the Mrs.

closed door. "It wasn't prom or the Mrs. Potato at night."

Potato at night." No, I said, my heart going soft as those

No, I said, my heart going soft as those dark eyes went playful.

dark eyes went playful. Every bit of worry melted away as he

Every bit of worry melted away as he looked down at me like he wanted to

looked down at me like he wanted to laugh.

laugh. "Oh, hell no!" he grinned, his mouth in

"Oh, hell no!" he grinned, his mouth in that wide, unapologetic smile that felt

that wide, unapologetic smile that felt like home.

like home. His voice was low and rumbly,

His voice was low and rumbly, so intimate. as he said.

so intimate. as he said. >> You fell for me in third grade. The day

>> You fell for me in third grade. The day you punched me in the face.

you punched me in the face. Admit it.

Admit it. The day you told everyone at recess that

The day you told everyone at recess that I had unicorns on my underpants.

I had unicorns on my underpants. I set my palms on his chest, careful to

I set my palms on his chest, careful to stay above where he'd been head, and

stay above where he'd been head, and said, "Hardly.

said, "Hardly. I hated you." That day

I hated you." That day I awoke the passion in you that day,"

I awoke the passion in you that day," he teased, wrapping his long fingers

he teased, wrapping his long fingers around my wrists, the thin line between

around my wrists, the thin line between lemonade.

lemonade. "Is that what that was?" I asked, my

"Is that what that was?" I asked, my smile melting away as he gave me a

smile melting away as he gave me a scorching look.

scorching look. "That's what it's always been," he said,

"That's what it's always been," he said, and then he lowered his mouth.

and then he lowered his mouth. Dear God, I thought, my knees weak as

Dear God, I thought, my knees weak as his lips sipped at mine, his eyes open,

his lips sipped at mine, his eyes open, teasing nips, tracing legs.

teasing nips, tracing legs. Wes Bennett had been born knowing what

Wes Bennett had been born knowing what he was doing. I swear to God,

he was doing. I swear to God, I watched him, my entire body shaking as

I watched him, my entire body shaking as his mouth played,

his mouth played, and then my eyes wouldn't stay open any

and then my eyes wouldn't stay open any longer.

longer. Bloom by Aiden bet started playing in my

Bloom by Aiden bet started playing in my head.

head. All of the roads led me to you.

All of the roads led me to you. I flexed my fingers against his chest

I flexed my fingers against his chest and as if that was his signal or

and as if that was his signal or something, everything instantly changed.

something, everything instantly changed. He made a noise, angled his head, and

He made a noise, angled his head, and went deep with the kiss, his hungry

went deep with the kiss, his hungry mouth ferocious.

mouth ferocious. He pinned my hands against the door

He pinned my hands against the door beside my head as the attack

beside my head as the attack intensified.

intensified. I raised my face and gave him all of my

I raised my face and gave him all of my mouth, rearing up to welcome the

mouth, rearing up to welcome the onslaught as he leaned into me,

onslaught as he leaned into me, sandwiching my body between the hardness

sandwiching my body between the hardness of his and the door at my back.

of his and the door at my back. He lifted his head and looked down at

He lifted his head and looked down at me, his dark eyes flashing with

me, his dark eyes flashing with intensity.

intensity. "See it again." [clears throat] I

"See it again." [clears throat] I swallowed as his hands pressed mine into

swallowed as his hands pressed mine into the door.

the door. I looked into his eyes and I said, "I

I looked into his eyes and I said, "I love you

love you again." He growled, his voice quiet, his

again." He growled, his voice quiet, his eyes dark.

eyes dark. He leaned his weight more heavily onto

He leaned his weight more heavily onto his palms and his body into me, his

his palms and his body into me, his throat moving around a swallow as he

throat moving around a swallow as he watched me.

watched me. I love you, West Bennett, I confessed,

I love you, West Bennett, I confessed, wondering how I'd ever thought it was

wondering how I'd ever thought it was possible to deny this.

possible to deny this. I can't remember a time in my life when

I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't love you.

I didn't love you. His jaw flexed and unflexed.

His jaw flexed and unflexed. And then he said so quietly,

And then he said so quietly, "God, please let this be real."

"God, please let this be real." "It's real," I said, pressing a kiss to

"It's real," I said, pressing a kiss to his chin.

his chin. And I'm so sorry for every moment you

And I'm so sorry for every moment you had to deal with things alone.

had to deal with things alone. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you.

I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm the one who's sorry, Lib," he said,

I'm the one who's sorry, Lib," he said, a streak of red on his cheeks as he

a streak of red on his cheeks as he clenched and unclenched his jaw,

clenched and unclenched his jaw, his voice barely above a whisper as he

his voice barely above a whisper as he rubbed his nose over my cheek. "For

rubbed his nose over my cheek. "For every tear, you cried because of me."

every tear, you cried because of me." I blinked fast and breathed in the

I blinked fast and breathed in the closeness of him, trying not to cry any

closeness of him, trying not to cry any more tears.

more tears. "It wasn't you, I don't think or me. I

"It wasn't you, I don't think or me. I think it was just life that made us

think it was just life that made us cry."

cry." "Damn it," he said through gritted

"Damn it," he said through gritted teeth, closing his eyes and releasing my

teeth, closing his eyes and releasing my hands.

hands. "What?" I asked, my eyes searching his

"What?" I asked, my eyes searching his face. What's wrong?

face. What's wrong? I just He bit out, giving his head a

I just He bit out, giving his head a shake. Need a second.

shake. Need a second. And just like that, it hit me. My eyes

And just like that, it hit me. My eyes traveled over him, and I saw the sweat

traveled over him, and I saw the sweat on his forehead, the way every muscle in

on his forehead, the way every muscle in his face was clenched, and the way his

his face was clenched, and the way his left hand was gripping his chest.

left hand was gripping his chest. "Wes," I put my hands on his cheeks. "Oh

"Wes," I put my hands on his cheeks. "Oh my gosh, are you in pain?

my gosh, are you in pain? You have no idea, Lib, he said on an

You have no idea, Lib, he said on an exhale. His words a near groan. Just

exhale. His words a near groan. Just give me like 2 minutes and I'll be

give me like 2 minutes and I'll be ready. 2 minutes? Was he serious?

ready. 2 minutes? Was he serious? You need to rest. Are you kidding?

You need to rest. Are you kidding? No. He whed, biting out the syllable

No. He whed, biting out the syllable like it was physically painful to speak.

like it was physically painful to speak. This is our moment. Damn it.

This is our moment. Damn it. I wanted to laugh, but I forced it down

I wanted to laugh, but I forced it down to a smile as I took his arm and

to a smile as I took his arm and carefully led him toward the bed while

carefully led him toward the bed while his breath hissed through his teeth and

his breath hissed through his teeth and he pressed both hands against his ribs.

he pressed both hands against his ribs. "I said I don't want our moment to be

"I said I don't want our moment to be one where you're whimpering in pain,

one where you're whimpering in pain, Bennett." "I'm not whimpering," he

Bennett." "I'm not whimpering," he whimpered.

whimpered. "Did it hurt this much when you were in

"Did it hurt this much when you were in bed?" I asked.

bed?" I asked. "No," he said tightly, like he was

"No," he said tightly, like he was trying not to breathe. "It's better when

trying not to breathe. "It's better when I lay flat." "But you've stayed on your

I lay flat." "But you've stayed on your feet this entire time to kiss me. How

feet this entire time to kiss me. How could I ever love anyone but this

could I ever love anyone but this stupid, selfless, amazing boy?"

stupid, selfless, amazing boy?" I pointed and said, "Get in bed."

I pointed and said, "Get in bed." I don't want to, he said, taking one

I don't want to, he said, taking one hand off his injury to tug on my hair

hand off his injury to tug on my hair before immediately bringing it back to

before immediately bringing it back to hold over his ribs.

hold over his ribs. I'm scared if I stop touching you,

I'm scared if I stop touching you, you'll disappear.

you'll disappear. I won't, I said, pulling back the

I won't, I said, pulling back the curtain and moving the blanket out of

curtain and moving the blanket out of the way. I can't because you're the only

the way. I can't because you're the only one who knows our secret language.

one who knows our secret language. remember?

remember? How could I forget? He said quietly,

How could I forget? He said quietly, looking down at me in a way that made me

looking down at me in a way that made me want to cry again. So I said, "Well, I

want to cry again. So I said, "Well, I mean, you forgot that song was from

mean, you forgot that song was from folklore, so

folklore, so you're really going to give me [ __ ] when

you're really going to give me [ __ ] when I just almost died?" He said around a

I just almost died?" He said around a laugh, which made him grunt. Son of a

laugh, which made him grunt. Son of a [ __ ] Before getting back on the bed.

[ __ ] Before getting back on the bed. I don't think you almost died," I said

I don't think you almost died," I said under my breath, ecstatic to be us

under my breath, ecstatic to be us again.

again. I reached down to touch his hair as I

I reached down to touch his hair as I fell into a lovesick smile.

fell into a lovesick smile. "Now lie down."

"Now lie down." It took a few minutes of non-stop

It took a few minutes of non-stop cursing from Wes for him to finally be

cursing from Wes for him to finally be lying flat, and I dragged a chair over

lying flat, and I dragged a chair over to the side of the bed so I could hold

to the side of the bed so I could hold his hand.

his hand. I'm kind of scared to stop touching him,

I'm kind of scared to stop touching him, too.

too. As if reading my mind, he said, "Promise

As if reading my mind, he said, "Promise this is real."

this is real." I nodded so happy that it felt a little

I nodded so happy that it felt a little painful.

painful. "I promise

"I promise if we were in a movie, the first notes

if we were in a movie, the first notes of the closing song would be starting

of the closing song would be starting this very minute." "Oh yeah," he said,

this very minute." "Oh yeah," he said, smiling as he squeezed my hand. "What

smiling as he squeezed my hand. "What song would it be, Boxb?"

song would it be, Boxb?" One and only by Adele," I said without

One and only by Adele," I said without missing a beat.

missing a beat. It was so perfect for the scene. The two

It was so perfect for the scene. The two main characters finally coming together

main characters finally coming together in er room number eight. That song was

in er room number eight. That song was made for this moment.

made for this moment. "You'll never know if you never try to

"You'll never know if you never try to forget your past and simply be mine."

forget your past and simply be mine." "Good choice," he said, his eyes

"Good choice," he said, his eyes squinting around a smile.

squinting around a smile. Hey Siri, play one and only by Adele.

Hey Siri, play one and only by Adele. I wasn't sure how his phone heard that,

I wasn't sure how his phone heard that, but from somewhere on the other side of

but from somewhere on the other side of the room, I heard the first few notes

the room, I heard the first few notes begin to play.

begin to play. Impressive.

Impressive. I am, aren't I?

I am, aren't I? He released my hand, grinning the west

He released my hand, grinning the west grin that warmed me from the inside as

grin that warmed me from the inside as he lifted his palm to my jaw and cradled

he lifted his palm to my jaw and cradled my face.

my face. So, what would the big closing line be

So, what would the big closing line be in our movie?

in our movie? It was hard to think of words when he

It was hard to think of words when he was looking at me like that, but his

was looking at me like that, but his thumb was stroking over my chin.

thumb was stroking over my chin. [sighs]

[sighs] Maybe something about how you've always

Maybe something about how you've always wanted to be Elizabeth Bennett, and

wanted to be Elizabeth Bennett, and I'm the only guy who can give you that,"

I'm the only guy who can give you that," he asked, tugging on my hair.

he asked, tugging on my hair. Oo, that's good, I said, my soul happy

Oo, that's good, I said, my soul happy as I watched him wrap my hair around his

as I watched him wrap my hair around his fist.

fist. But technically, there are other Mr.

But technically, there are other Mr. Bennett in the world.

Bennett in the world. Not for you, he said, tugging a little

Not for you, he said, tugging a little harder.

harder. I'm your one and only.

I'm your one and only. That's a little heavy-handed, don't you

That's a little heavy-handed, don't you think? I teased.

think? I teased. But perfect, right?

But perfect, right? >> I looked at that face, at those dark

>> I looked at that face, at those dark laughing eyes and said,

laughing eyes and said, "The most perfect

epilogue." Omaha, 6ish months later, College World

Omaha, 6ish months later, College World Series championship game.

Series championship game. You're perfect. You and the ball and the

You're perfect. You and the ball and the diamond. You're this perfectly beautiful

diamond. You're this perfectly beautiful thing. You can win or lose the game all

thing. You can win or lose the game all by yourself. You don't need me.

by yourself. You don't need me. For love of the game,

For love of the game, Wes.

Wes. All right, Bennett, go pick up Bento.

All right, Bennett, go pick up Bento. I gave a nod, took a deep breath, and

I gave a nod, took a deep breath, and left the bullpen. Second inning with the

left the bullpen. Second inning with the bases loaded. Not exactly how I had

bases loaded. Not exactly how I had anticipated entering the final game of

anticipated entering the final game of the series, but when did anything ever

the series, but when did anything ever go as planned?

go as planned? Ben Aventto was usually money, but today

Ben Aventto was usually money, but today his pitches were all over the place. And

his pitches were all over the place. And we gone from being up 2 to being down

we gone from being up 2 to being down 3-2 with the bases loaded. Zero outs.

3-2 with the bases loaded. Zero outs. LSU's bats were on fire and the packed

LSU's bats were on fire and the packed out stadium was loud and electric. I

out stadium was loud and electric. I headed for the mound as Benny headed for

headed for the mound as Benny headed for the dugout, and I tried shutting

the dugout, and I tried shutting everything out as I heard the beginning

everything out as I heard the beginning of power start to play, and the stadium

of power start to play, and the stadium got even louder. I'd become a master at

got even louder. I'd become a master at quieting the world during a game. It was

quieting the world during a game. It was my superpower. My dad always thought he

my superpower. My dad always thought he was responsible for my fastball and my

was responsible for my fastball and my cutter. But the truth was that his

cutter. But the truth was that his legacy was my focus. He'd crammed

legacy was my focus. He'd crammed baseball first down my throat for so

baseball first down my throat for so many years that as long as I was able to

many years that as long as I was able to shut his voice down, everything else

shut his voice down, everything else went silent when I stepped up to pitch.

went silent when I stepped up to pitch. But this week was testing me because the

But this week was testing me because the media, ESPN, KEV, Fox Sports, had a hard

media, ESPN, KEV, Fox Sports, had a hard on for my story. Not only was I the

on for my story. Not only was I the hometown kid returning to Omaha to pitch

hometown kid returning to Omaha to pitch in the CWS championship, but I was the

in the CWS championship, but I was the hometown kid who dropped out of school 2

hometown kid who dropped out of school 2 years ago to support my family after my

years ago to support my family after my dad died. They were eating it up, which

dad died. They were eating it up, which was fine. I got it. It was a great

was fine. I got it. It was a great story. But there was a twinge of

story. But there was a twinge of pressure on my shoulders that usually

pressure on my shoulders that usually wasn't there. A what if I disappoint

wasn't there. A what if I disappoint them doubt in my head that usually

them doubt in my head that usually didn't exist because everyone I'd ever

didn't exist because everyone I'd ever known was at the game. My high school

known was at the game. My high school friends, my calc teacher, Mrs.

friends, my calc teacher, Mrs. Scarrapelli from down the street who'd

Scarrapelli from down the street who'd been wearing a t-shirt with my face on

been wearing a t-shirt with my face on it throughout the entire tournament. My

it throughout the entire tournament. My mom, my cousins, my friends from Hi,

mom, my cousins, my friends from Hi, Liz's parents, my little league coaches.

Liz's parents, my little league coaches. It was everyone from my past.

It was everyone from my past. In addition to the Bruins fans, my

In addition to the Bruins fans, my teammates families, and oh yeah, MLB

teammates families, and oh yeah, MLB reps,

reps, the place was full of my heart and my

the place was full of my heart and my dreams. I inhaled through my nose,

dreams. I inhaled through my nose, trying to memorize the moment as Kanye's

trying to memorize the moment as Kanye's voice growled out the words, "No one man

voice growled out the words, "No one man should have all that power." I wanted to

should have all that power." I wanted to capture every detail, even as I tried my

capture every detail, even as I tried my best to act like it was just another

best to act like it was just another game. I stepped onto the mound, looking

game. I stepped onto the mound, looking toward the LSU dugout as I went through

toward the LSU dugout as I went through my mental checklist, envisioning the way

my mental checklist, envisioning the way I was going to sit those batters one by

I was going to sit those batters one by one. It'd been a long season. I pictured

one. It'd been a long season. I pictured the road to Omaha wall back at Jackie,

the road to Omaha wall back at Jackie, and we were there to finish the job. We

and we were there to finish the job. We were there to win. But I couldn't deny

were there to win. But I couldn't deny myself a quick look, a one-second

myself a quick look, a one-second distraction when I heard it. Liz's

distraction when I heard it. Liz's whistle. And yes, I could tell hers

whistle. And yes, I could tell hers apart from a stadium of thousands. She

apart from a stadium of thousands. She created it specifically so I would. She

created it specifically so I would. She was so proud of the fact that she

was so proud of the fact that she learned to whistle loud as hell around

learned to whistle loud as hell around her fingers. And to make sure I could

her fingers. And to make sure I could differentiate hers from anyone else's,

differentiate hers from anyone else's, she did five quick whistles right in a

she did five quick whistles right in a row. It was silly and smart and

row. It was silly and smart and effective, just like Liz. I glanced

effective, just like Liz. I glanced toward first base and immediately saw

toward first base and immediately saw her four rows back. the seat she'd been

her four rows back. the seat she'd been in for the entire series. But today, she

in for the entire series. But today, she looked different. They were the same

looked different. They were the same sunglasses and the same blue ribbon was

sunglasses and the same blue ribbon was tied around her curls, but she was

tied around her curls, but she was wearing a UCLA jersey. That alone was

wearing a UCLA jersey. That alone was remarkable because she was firmly rooted

remarkable because she was firmly rooted in the opinion that wearing a jersey

in the opinion that wearing a jersey when you weren't a player was stupid.

when you weren't a player was stupid. But holy [ __ ] her jersey had my number

But holy [ __ ] her jersey had my number on it.

on it. It looked authentic with a 32 sewn just

It looked authentic with a 32 sewn just underneath the curse of UCLA that

underneath the curse of UCLA that stretched across her chest. And then,

stretched across her chest. And then, God help me, she did a quick spin, as if

God help me, she did a quick spin, as if she knew I was looking and could see

she knew I was looking and could see exactly what I was thinking. Bennett was

exactly what I was thinking. Bennett was stitched across her shoulders, the last

stitched across her shoulders, the last tea resting right around the spot where

tea resting right around the spot where her tattoo still was. Elizabeth [ __ ]

her tattoo still was. Elizabeth [ __ ] Bennett, ladies and gentlemen. Bbomb.

Bennett, ladies and gentlemen. Bbomb. Elizabeth [ __ ] Bucksbomb.

Elizabeth [ __ ] Bucksbomb. I flipped the ball, running my index

I flipped the ball, running my index finger along the seam before taking a

finger along the seam before taking a deep breath. And as I got set to throw,

deep breath. And as I got set to throw, I heard my dad's voice for the first

I heard my dad's voice for the first time in months. Only this time, he

time in months. Only this time, he wasn't yelling. This time, instead of

wasn't yelling. This time, instead of shouting, "Throw him the gas," or

shouting, "Throw him the gas," or something critical, he repeated the

something critical, he repeated the words Liz had sent to the dugout during

words Liz had sent to the dugout during the first exhibition game so many months

the first exhibition game so many months ago. His voice was calm, almost

ago. His voice was calm, almost reassuring when I heard him say, "Just

reassuring when I heard him say, "Just pitch, Bennett. You've got this, kid."

pitch, Bennett. You've got this, kid." And I did.

And I did. Exterior Charles Schwab Field Day.

Exterior Charles Schwab Field Day. The first notes of Dreamland begin

The first notes of Dreamland begin playing as we see Wes throw the pitch

playing as we see Wes throw the pitch and hear the roar of the crowd. The

and hear the roar of the crowd. The camera follows a green leaf in the

camera follows a green leaf in the outfield as it lifts up and floats away

outfield as it lifts up and floats away from Charles Schwab Field.

from Charles Schwab Field. The leaf cartwheels through the summer

The leaf cartwheels through the summer sky, dancing over and past the downtown

sky, dancing over and past the downtown Omaha skyline, dipping down to briefly

Omaha skyline, dipping down to briefly land on the Stella's neon sign before

land on the Stella's neon sign before lifting again. We continue blowing

lifting again. We continue blowing through the blue sky on the leaf until

through the blue sky on the leaf until we reach Oaklan Cemetery and move down

we reach Oaklan Cemetery and move down to street level. The leaf lands beside a

to street level. The leaf lands beside a cardinal that's sitting on top of a

cardinal that's sitting on top of a headstone before lifting yet again. This

headstone before lifting yet again. This time tumbling over Teal Street. The leaf

time tumbling over Teal Street. The leaf slowly dances down toward the ground,

slowly dances down toward the ground, fluttering between two houses before

fluttering between two houses before finally settling underneath the

finally settling underneath the windshield wiper of Liz's car, which is

windshield wiper of Liz's car, which is parked on the street between the two

parked on the street between the two houses.

houses. Fade out.

The soundtrack of Wes and Liz version 2.0 available on Spotify.

2.0 available on Spotify. Troubles coming. Royal Blood. Ever since

Troubles coming. Royal Blood. Ever since New York, Harry Styles, Congrats, Laney,

New York, Harry Styles, Congrats, Laney, Heaven, Angel, The Driver Era, Ross

Heaven, Angel, The Driver Era, Ross Lynch, Rocky, Use Me, Blake Rose,

Lynch, Rocky, Use Me, Blake Rose, Disaster, Conan Gray, August, Taylor

Disaster, Conan Gray, August, Taylor Swift, Everywhere, Ny Horin, Pink Plus

Swift, Everywhere, Ny Horin, Pink Plus White, Frank Ocean, Super Massive Black

White, Frank Ocean, Super Massive Black Hole, Muse, Chanel Number Five, Ah, sad

Hole, Muse, Chanel Number Five, Ah, sad songs in a hotel room. Joshua Basset.

songs in a hotel room. Joshua Basset. Everywhere, everything. Noah Khan,

Everywhere, everything. Noah Khan, Gracie Abrams. The deepest blues are

Gracie Abrams. The deepest blues are black. Food fighters. Old days. New

black. Food fighters. Old days. New rules. Rewrite the stars. Jess and

rules. Rewrite the stars. Jess and Gabriel. Anyone else? Joshua Basset.

Gabriel. Anyone else? Joshua Basset. Feel you now. The Driver era. House on

Feel you now. The Driver era. House on fire. Hembrey.

fire. Hembrey. Stupid face. Abe Parker. You could start

Stupid face. Abe Parker. You could start a cult. Nyall Horin. Lizzie McAlpine.

a cult. Nyall Horin. Lizzie McAlpine. Hate that you know me. Bleachers. City

Hate that you know me. Bleachers. City of Stars from La La Land soundtrack.

of Stars from La La Land soundtrack. Ryan Gosling. Emma Stone. Club Sandwich.

Ryan Gosling. Emma Stone. Club Sandwich. Joey Valance and Bray. Cowboy in LA.

Joey Valance and Bray. Cowboy in LA. Laney. [ __ ] you. Lily Allen. Second

Laney. [ __ ] you. Lily Allen. Second Nature. Joseph Tilly. Elicit Affairs,

Nature. Joseph Tilly. Elicit Affairs, Taylor Swift, Mastermind, Taylor Swift,

Taylor Swift, Mastermind, Taylor Swift, Bloom, Aiden Bisset, One and Only,

Bloom, Aiden Bisset, One and Only, Adele, Dreamland, Alexis French, James

Adele, Dreamland, Alexis French, James Morgan, Royal Liverpool Philarmonic

Morgan, Royal Liverpool Philarmonic Orchestra.

Nothing Like the Movies was written by Lynn Painter and read by Charlie

Lynn Painter and read by Charlie Bushnell and Jesse Valinsky.

Bushnell and Jesse Valinsky. Charlie Bushnell was directed by Randy

Charlie Bushnell was directed by Randy Dolick.

Dolick. Editing and post-prouction by like

Editing and post-prouction by like 2,000.

2,000. This has been a presentation of Simon

This has been a presentation of Simon and Schustster Audio.

Nothing like the movies is available in print from Simon and Schustster books

print from Simon and Schustster books for young readers. Also available from

for young readers. Also available from Simon and Schustster audio. Better than

Simon and Schustster audio. Better than the Movies written by Lynn Painter and

the Movies written by Lynn Painter and read by Jesse Valinsky.

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Nothing Like the Movies by Lynn Painter | Romantic Comedy Audiobook | Full Story