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The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People - Stephen R. Covey

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This content introduces the foundational principles behind Stephen Covey's "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People," emphasizing that true effectiveness stems from aligning with timeless principles and developing character, rather than relying on superficial techniques.

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hello this is stephen r covey

i can hardly believe that it has been 20 years

years

since we first published the seven

habits of highly effective people

since the book first hit stores in 1989

the seven habits book has sold more than

20 million copies

has been translated into 38 different

languages and was named as the number

one most influential business book of

the 20th century our little consulting

company called covey leadership has now

grown from a handful of associates to

become franklin covey

the global leader in effectiveness

training for organizations

teams and individuals in 123 countries

around the world

the success

that we have been blessed with is all

based on aligning ourselves and our

organization with foundational

principles of effectiveness

we have learned by centering our lives

on timeless

unchanging principles we create

fundamental paradigms

or ways of thinking

that helps us live our lives more effectively

effectively

principles are the center

that put all other areas of life in perspective

perspective

while we are free to choose our actions

we are not free to choose the

consequences of those actions

principles do

this video program will teach you what i

call the foundational principles which

the seven habits of highly effective

people are built upon

in this program you will see me teaching

each of these foundational principles to

various groups we have worked with over

the past 20 years

while my hairstyle and looks may have

changed these past 20 years

the principles of effectiveness have not

changed nor will they throughout all of

man's existence

i hope you will pay close attention

take notes and teach your loved ones

what you will be learning

if you learn and apply these principles

in your life

and the lives of your family friends and

business associates

you too will experience the power of

proven principles

in conclusion just remember this everyone

everyone

chooses one of two roads in life

whether they're young or old

rich or poor

men and women alike

one road

is the broad well-traveled road to mediocrity

mediocrity

the other the road to greatness and meaning

meaning

the range of possibilities that exist

within each of these two destinations

is as wide as the diversity of gifts and

personalities in the human family

but the contrast between the two destinations

destinations is

as the night

i'm delighted to welcome each of you to

the seven habits of highly effective people

people

i believe that your involvement with

this material can be one of the most

exciting learning experiences of your life

life

the essential purpose of the seven

habits of highly effective people

is to learn how to lead your life in a

truly effective way

to describe what the seven habits

material is let me share with you what

it is not

it is not a quick fix program

it is not a program of the month

it is a process of personal and

interpersonal growth and development

that will require not only your

continuing best efforts but also your patience

patience

as we all know real growth and

development cannot take place overnight

you must pay the price over an extended

period of time to reap the benefits of

implementing the seven habits will be an

upward personal climb like a journey up

a steep mountain it won't be easy it

will be a challenge

as you ascend the mountain so to speak

with this seven habits material you'll

become acutely aware of the loose gravel

you know the loose rocks in your life

you may slip occasionally maybe even

fall back a time or two

you will feel the gravity pull of old

habits working against you

but i'll assure you as you continue in

your climb

and endure in your efforts

you will begin to feel a level of exhilaration

exhilaration

and of attaining entirely new heights in

your life

higher and higher levels of effectiveness

effectiveness

by applying this effort

you can expect to increase your capacity

to achieve your personal and

professional goals

and to develop better working

relationships with your associates

and all of your loved ones

in short you can expect to become more effective

effective

let me suggest that the best way to get

the most out of the seven habits

is to be very open-minded to be open to self-discovery

self-discovery

participate really get involved look for

ways to apply and to implement these

habits in your life

you see our habits form our character

you may have heard the quote

so a thought

reap an action

sow an action reap a habit

sow a habit reap a character

so a character reap a destiny

for our purposes we will define a habit

as the intersection of knowledge skill

and desire

you see knowledge is the theoretical

component that is the what to do and the

why to do it

skill is the practical side of how to do it

and desire is the motivation side the

want to do it

in order to make something a habit in

our lives we literally must have all

habits are powerful factors in our lives

they constantly express our character

they determine the level of our

effectiveness or our ineffectiveness

in the words of an english poet

we first make our habits then our habits

make us

the seven habits are simply common sense

common sense organized

but remember what is common sense is not

always common practice

so i encourage you to make the

investment put forth the time and effort

focus on the kinds of changes you can make

make

consistently and over time

the development of the seven habits

began with a study i completed in 1976

i wanted to study the success idea in

america and how it

evolved so i got into the popular

success literature going back for 200 years

years

this included many many books magazine

articles annotated bibliographies

summaries reviews

i literally tapped into thousands and

thousands of sources either directly or indirectly

indirectly

as i worked i started to sense a pattern

as soon as i sensed this pattern i

looked for evidence of it

and the evidence was everywhere

the basic finding was this

for the first 150 years almost the

entire focus

of the literature was on character on principles

principles

on what we might call the character ethic

ethic

attributes such as integrity fidelity

courage compassion

contribution responsibility justice

these findings became the basis for

writing the seven habits of highly

effective people

and then because of many many societal forces

forces

the emphasis gradually shifted

in the early nineteen hundreds

particularly in the twenties and the thirties

thirties

away from the character ethic

to what we might call the personality ethic

ethic

which focused more on techniques

than on principles

you're probably familiar with many books

that illustrate the literature of the

personality ethic

they basically deal with how to take

care of yourself

how to look good how to dress in

particular ways

how to create the right image

in other words the personality ethic

focuses on how to appear to be

many of these techniques have real merit however

however

if they don't have their roots in the

character ethic

if they don't have their roots and principles

principles

they won't have the power to create

for example

what if people learn techniques of

influencing others

but they're fundamentally duplicitous or

deceitful in their character

what if they really wanted to use people

to build their own economic success

they might develop smoothness in their relationships

relationships

so that they can have their own personal

ends achieved money fame glory whatever

they really couldn't care less about

contribution or service purpose

adding value helping others

how much trust would you have in them

how willing would you be to follow them

or to rely upon them when things get tough

tough

you know one time i had a student come

to me

and say how am i doing in your class

i looked him in the eye and said

you really know how you're doing don't

you a lot better than i do

and he kind of looked down squeamishly well

well

not too good i guess i just had kind of

a rough time lately and

maybe i haven't applied myself as much

you really came to find out

how well you'd psyched me out

how well you'd psyched out the system is

that right

when in fact you kind of know in your

heart how you're doing

well how am i doing he said

how are you doing

let's focus on what's really happening

you see this whole personality ethic

with its technique focus

is like the tip of an iceberg

the tip or that part which is seen on

the surface by others it's above the water

water

the character ethic is like the great

mass of the iceberg under the water

people often do no work in the

foundation where the great mass is where

the greatest long-term impact is

too many people give all their energy

and focus to the tip of the iceberg

that is to learning techniques that

others can see

you see this even in organizations not

just individuals

you see programs change

practices change

principles do not change

if we help individuals

and organizations to internalize principles

principles

they will know how to adapt the practices

practices

to address specific situations

let me emphasize that techniques have

their place they're very important i

really mean that i mean you want

good human relations techniques public

relations techniques communication techniques

techniques

management techniques but when we use

techniques to cover our own lack of character

character

they become manipulative

they undermine trust and confidence

you see what we really need

is the character ethic

and that's essentially what the seven

habits is about

this material is based on an inside out

approach meaning we give our first

energies to our own character development

development

before we focus on techniques or how to

be more effective with others

gandhi beautifully demonstrated this

principle once a mother came to him and said

said

would you help my child reduce the

amount of sugar he is eating

and answered well

talk to me in a week

a week later the mother asked him again

and he talked to the boy and the boy agreed

agreed

and the mother said why didn't you talk

with him last week

gandhi smiled and said

you don't understand

unless we work on our character we will

not develop trustworthiness

and trustworthiness is built by the

combination of both character and competency

competency

we can have all of the ability in the world

world

but if we don't have the basic character

to be reliable

to take responsibility

others will soon learn to distrust us

they're fearing that we're just trying

to meet our own ends perhaps at their expense

expense

in my opinion unless we return to the

character ethic

we won't have the basic foundation of trustworthiness

trustworthiness

that's what leads to trust

which is needed to build effective

in the final analysis

what we are

communicates far more eloquently than

anything we say or do

i love the quote of henry david thoreau

for every thousand hacking at the leaves

of evil

there is one striking at the root

in other words

let's work primarily on the roots to

begin with

and build a foundation of trustworthiness

trustworthiness

this is one of the key areas of focus in

the seven habits

to build character and competence

and to restore trustworthiness and trust

in our lives

in the lives of our families our organizations

organizations

trust and trustworthiness

really are the basis of personal and

interpersonal leadership

it's the foundation of all through effectiveness

now before i go into the habits i would

like to stand back and look at the basic structure

structure

the basic framework of the seven habits

as a whole

you see they're organized in a

particular way for a reason

they're all interrelated in fact the

relationships and the sequence among the habits

habits

are the key to their overall power

to help us visualize the sequential and

progressive nature of the seven habits

i'd like to use a simple diagram i call

the maturity continuum

maturity refers to a process

leading to growth and development and

continuum refers to the continuous

incremental nature

of growth and progression

if you were to see a maturity continuum

line from low maturity to high maturity

there would be three basic levels to it

the first level is dependence

the second level is independence

and the third and the highest level is interdependence

interdependence

let me define these three terms very briefly

briefly

dependence basically means you need

others to get what you want

you see all of us began life as an

infant dependent on others for nurturing

and sustenance

i may be intellectually dependent on

other people's thinking

i may be emotionally dependent on other

people's affirmation and validation of me

dependence is the attitude of you you

take care of me

you come through for me

or you don't come through i blame you

for the results

independence basically means you are

pretty much free from the external

influence the control and the support of others

others

you think you act for yourself

you're validated from within

you're inner directed you're self-reliant

self-reliant

you get what you want through your own effort

effort

like dependence it is possible to be

independent in various areas

physically financially intellectually

emotionally while not being independent

in other areas

independence is the attitude of i

i can do it

i'm responsible

i am self-reliant

i can choose

true independence of character

empowers us to act

rather than to be acted upon

it frees us from our dependence on

circumstances and other people

it is the avowed goal of many

individuals and also many social movements

movements

to enthrone independence

as the highest level of achievement

but it is not the ultimate goal in

effective living

there is a far more mature more advanced level

level

the third and highest level in the

maturity continuum is interdependence

if people were interdependent

what would they be

they would be very much like a marriage

a family

an executive team where they need to

cooperate together in order to

accomplish what i want what you want

what we want together

in fact we live in an interdependent reality

reality

interdependence is essential for good leaders

leaders

good team players for success in

marriage for family life and organizations

organizations

interdependence is the attitude of we

we can cooperate we can be a team

we can combine our talents our abilities

our best efforts to achieve our highest success

now here is the basic insight

think on this

until you and i

are independent

we cannot be interdependent

let me say that again

until you and i are independent we

cannot be interdependent

in other words we can't do calculus

before we understand algebra we can't

run before we learn to walk

we neither can learn to work

cooperatively with other people if we

don't have internal self-mastery

that's why the first three habits be

proactive begin with the end in mind and

put first things first

deal with self-mastery self-control

self-control self-dominion

self-dominion

they form the deepest part of our character

character

they constitute what i call the private

victory the victory over self

you see

private victories must precede public

victories to lead others effectively we

first must be able to lead ourselves effectively

effectively

for example when i make a commitment to

get up early and exercise and i

literally carry it out i feel better i

feel better about myself i have greater

emotional strength i have better

physical energy

you see what that means a private victory

victory

as a result i do better in all my

relationships with others

that's the public victory however

have you ever noticed the tendency to be

irritable with others after failing to

keep a commitment to yourself

i know speaking for myself

i can usually trace my weaknesses my

failures in dealing with others

to some flaw some failure to win my own

private victory

these first three habits

lead us from dependence to independence

then once people have control over

themselves and have a measure of independence

independence

they're ready to deal with the next

three habits

think win win

seek first to understand then to be understood

understood

and synergize

all of which helps us in our

relationships with others

enabling us to be successful with people

habits four five and six develop what i call

call

the public victory effectiveness with

others it's based on teamwork

on cooperation

and communication

habits four five and six utilize our personality

personality

they're more skill based

and they lead us from independence to

interdependence that is the attitude of we

where we cooperate to accomplish desired results

results

then habit seven sharpen the saw is the

habit of renewal

of regular balanced renewal in all of

the dimensions of our life

it surrounds and encompasses all of the

other habits

it is the habit of continuous

improvement that creates an upward spiral

spiral

of growth and development

now interdependence is a choice

that only independent people can make

for instance let's say you're my

supervisor and i'm very dependent upon

your opinion of me

i'm also dependent financially and

intellectually upon you

but let's say you have some blind spots

in your performance and you really need feedback

feedback

i'm aware of your blind spots i also

have enough skill to give you feedback

but would i do it

i wouldn't

i'm too dependent upon you

i'm too angry at you

i'm mad because those blind spots hurt me

i have what's often called a love-hate relationship

relationship

you see the person you're dependent upon

also controls you

if you don't get what you want it makes

you mad

so i wouldn't possibly give you honest feedback

feedback

i don't want to rupture my relationship

with you

so what do i do i talk to others and

then they share their experiences and

they validate me and we bad-mouth you

we're simply not interdependent

if i were truly interdependent that

means if i'm first of all independent

i could go to you and i could say could

we have a visit

i would like to share some of my concerns

concerns

but if you

were dependent yourself

and used to borrowing strength from your

position power you might try to

intimidate me

you might say well what is it stephen

let's get to it right now what are your concerns

concerns

on the other hand if i'm emotionally and

intellectually independent from you

i could be courageous and kind at the

same time

i'm patient

i don't give up but i don't give in

i could say

we need a little more time

where we're not going to be interrupted

let's do it at our mutual convenience

you would sense that you're dealing with

a person of integrity a power of

strength of courage

you would also know from my professional

development opportunities

and the way i have exercised them

i've got about 10 other jobs i could go

to at any time

you probably also know i'm the only one

in your crew that isn't badmouthing you

i have no need to bad mouth i have no

energy around your weaknesses

i don't want to do something to hurt you

i want to do something to help you to

overcome your weaknesses or perhaps help

you compensate for the deficiency in

some way

so i most positive person on your entire

team i'm almost almost indispensable to you

now the first three habits develop that

kind of strength courage and capacity

the next three habits help me know how

to work effectively with you

so that my strength does not intimidate you

you

i can empathize with you

i can read the needs of the situation

and figure out the best way to make the presentation

presentation

so that the two of us can cooperate

together and solve the problem

you would see me as the best source of

problem solving on your entire team

interdependence is where real freedom is

that's where excitement is that's where

adventure is

their very best comes to the fore

that's the maturity continuum the

adventure of building powerful

interdependent relationships

i'm going to attempt to give

a brief overview

of each of the habits

it's like getting a kind of airplane

view of the whole mountain range

before we go down to explore the detail

habit one

be proactive

basically means

that your life

is a product of your values

not your feelings

that your life

or the organization's life

is a product

of your decisions

not your conditions

the opposite

of being proactive

is to be reactive

which basically means

that your life

is a function

of your feelings

your moods

your impulses

other people's treatment

the underlying principle

of habit one be proactive

is to take responsibility

the concept is

you and i

have the capacity

capacity

to choose our response

habit two

begin with the end in mind

basically means

that all things are created twice

and habit two is the first creation

habit two

begin with the end in mind means

means

that you get a mental image a picture

of where you want to end up

in this meeting

in this relationship

this year

in your life

to accompany it is the vision it has

of its future

it is the creation of that vision

habit two

is based on the principle of vision

of purpose

of meaning

of mission

habit three

to put first things first

is the second creation

to put first things first means

means

you decided what the first things were

in habit two

now you have the discipline and the commitment

commitment

to keep them first

the opposite of putting first things

first is to put second or third or

fourth things first

that's why many people

really deeply value

their family relationships

their health

their personal integrity

but they get caught up

in the

powerful social value systems

timetables and agendas

of their

culture never question it

so that

the first creation has already been done

for them

done to them in the form of programs

scripts that they never question

then they get on this ladder of success

and they arrive at the top rung

only then to realize

the latter is leaning against the wrong wall

wall

they come to realize

that no one on their deathbed

ever wished they spent more time at the office

office

as gerta put it

things which matter most must never

be at the mercy of things which matter least

least

habit four think win-win

is the habit of mutual benefit

the underlying paradigm

or principle

is abundance

there is plenty out there and to spare

so you don't have to

be threatened by the strengths of other people

people

you can nurture competency around you

higher than your own

it doesn't threaten you

you can share knowledge

you can share recognition gain profit

the opposite is scarcity

not abundance

it's like a piece of pie there's only so much

much

if you get the recognition i may not get it

if i share gain or profit with you

i we will have less

habit for to think win win

comes from the principle of

abundance not scarcity meaning the pie

habit five seek first to understand

then to be understood is the habit of

empathic communication

meaning you always seek to understand

first the teacher diagnoses pre-assesses

before teaching

the doctor diagnoses before prescribing

the attorney does discovery before

developing his or her own

case or brief

understand first before you seek to be

understood before you seek to contribute

before you take action before you have

the basis for judgment

habit six synergize

is the habit of creative cooperation

seeking to understand

we create something that was not there before

before

that takes high levels of cooperation

the principle

behind habit six

is the principle that one plus one

can equal three

four ten twenty a thousand

it's the principle of putting two boards

together that are stronger

in total

than adding the sum of the boards separate

separate

it's the principle of valuing differences

differences not

not

tolerating differences

not accepting differences

celebrating differences

habit seven is called

sharpen the saw

is the principle of renewal

the principle of continuous learning

continuous improvement

getting better constantly

it's based on the principle

that we have the capability

of charging our own battery

the opposite of habit

seven sharpen the saw

to let the mind atrophy

to let the body lose its tone and its vitality

vitality through

through

junk food and

and

no exercise

and trying to live a life of hedonism

hedonism

pleasure seeking

rather than one of contribution

and service

now simply

simply

the three-person process is this

the best way to learn something

is to teach it

how many have learned that

how many have learned that when you

in five minutes

you will be teaching

what i'm teaching you in the next five minutes

see yourself now as a teacher

i'm going to briefly describe the

three-person process

and the four benefits that come from the

three-person process now

now

see you don't see yourself

as a kind of

passive learner

you see yourself

as an active teacher

you're just preparing to teach

and that significantly increases your learning

learning

that is the first benefit the first

person teaches the second person first captures

captures understands

understands

then evaluates to see if it makes sense

thinks about application and then

teaches the third person

then that person teaches another person

this way you can take material and

cascade it through an entire organization

organization

when you teach you significantly

increase the likelihood

of application

for instance if you're teaching

people to be better listeners

isn't it probable

that you'll try to be a better listener yourself

yourself

see the real

most foundational learning

teaching may give you more intellectual understanding

understanding

but the internalization of the ideas

comes in the application of those ideas

that's even a higher level of learning

third benefit

when you teach you significantly improve communication

communication

notice the three-person process there

why do you think

communication would be significantly improved

improved

notice the first person teaches

and what does the second person do

first captures or understands

before evaluating

what is the number one obstacle

in the field of communication

people do not listen

they do not capture accurately

they evaluate

while they're listening

but if people are trained to capture accurately

accurately completely

completely

before they judge you can listen for purpose

purpose

main points

how each point is proven or validated

how each point is illustrated or applied

and value

the fourth benefit

when these things happen i'm talking about

about

it is very bonding to the relationship

the relationship gets steeper and

stronger why

there's so much authenticity there's so

much sincerity

there is so much empathy

and creativity being manifested in the

communication processes when you do this

with your children

you will learn better

the next time you send somebody

to a convention to some training activity

activity

to some association meeting before they

when you return

you will have the privilege of

distilling the essence of what you

learned to the assembled staff for half

you'll find they'll attend the meeting sober

they'll take notes from the moment you

give that assignment

seriously they'll go to work all eight

cylinders will go to work

it's the single most powerful thing i

have ever learned in the field of education

education

use the three-person process

and you will double

quadruple the impact and you will see

those four benefits happen

it's the essence of the process that we use

use

when we get into the seven habits material

material

we have to realize

that it is all based upon principles

upon natural laws

that is why we are presenting this

foundational material first

we need to understand

the concept of a principle

and the concept of a paradigm

and also how to define effectiveness

then we'll look at the seven habits

i suggest that principles are not only

natural laws objective

objective factual

factual

external to ourself

i suggest they are also self-evident

how would we know that

we have found

that if you can get enough people

interacting freely and synergistically

who are informed

all the value systems are the same

we find

that regardless of one's background religion

religion culture

culture nationality

nationality race

race gender

gender

regardless of the level in the organization

organization

regardless of the industry or the profession

profession

same underlying values

values

are universal

they represent what we could call principles

principles

there is

consensus that surrounds them such as integrity

integrity service

service contribution

contribution

the growth and development of people

kindness how you treat people dignity

dignity fairness

fairness

these are universals

every one of the habits

represents a principle

a fundamental natural law

now let me just give an illustration of

the difference between a social value and

and principles

principles

captain captain

what is it

sorry to awaken you sir but we have a

serious problem

and we've tried to solve it and can't

what's the problem

there's a ship in our ceiling about 20

miles away that refuses to move

what do you mean there if you just tell

them to move

we have sir that's the problem they

won't respond

i'll tell them

the city goes out

move starboard 20 degrees

the signal comes back

moves starboard 20 degrees yourself

what arrogance

who is this guy

he doesn't know who i am let him know

a captain is giving the command

the scene that goes out

this is captain horatio hornblower the

16th move starboard 20 degrees at once

the cinder comes back this is seaman

carl jones the third

move starboard 20 degrees at once

yourself this is a command

a seaman commanding me a captain

i can't believe this what is going on

let him know who we're a battleship we

could just blow them up the signal goes out

out

this is the mighty missouri

flagship of the seventh fleet signal returns

returns this

this

is the lighthouse [Laughter]

[Laughter]

you see lighthouses

are like principles

we don't break them

we break ourselves against them

this is why humility

is the mother of all other virtues openness

openness teachability

teachability humility

humility

awareness of external realities

if you can cultivate that

and apply it with other people

you'll change the whole nature of the culture

culture

it'll become a principle centered culture

culture

not one driven by social values

i had a friend of mine who said our

company is value driven

i said every company is value driven

hitler was value driven

the question is are the values in

alignment with principles

that is a humbling question

are my values and my habits in alignment

with principles

with natural laws

now when principles and values

are aligned

then you could use the words interchangeably

interchangeably

you could call it values or principles

so you don't want to get hung up semantically

semantically

on the difference

but if

if they are not aligned

then it's better to see what the

principle is and what the established

it's constantly an effort to understand principles

principles

the law of gravity

gradually the whole world has come to

accept that

the apple falling out of the tree and

simple observation

observation

the law of gravity governs

what if you had a legislature

a principle is the actual reality like

the law

of gravity

the way things are

how many here when you were in school

be honest now

how many got really good at it

how many here have ever worked on the farm

farm

i don't mean just work hard at the end

to bring in the harvest

i mean

forget the plant in the spring flake off

all summer and then really work hard in

well

it's patently foolish we know that why

because a farm is a natural system and

is governed by what principles

or social values principles

principles

what about

the development of our mind what would

you say

the development of the mind

not the getting of a degree

you can't fake it

the development of the minds based on

principles the law the harvest not on

social values however popular

what about the body

what would you say social values or principles

principles

our health

physical mental spiritual emotional is

governed by the law of the harvest

by principles

not by social values

now let's have a little fun for a second

you look strong and healthy and i'm sure

he'll pass the test

okay now what we want

are 20 straight back

push-ups if you get into the push-up position

position please

please okay

all right we're going to cheer you on

we're going to count for you too

[Applause]

those people are uh keeping the peace okay

okay

we'll count and cheer you on how many am

i doing just 20. straight back

6 7

7 8

8 9

9 10

10 11

11 12

12 13

13 14

14 15

15 16.

i sat next to him at lunch

and uh

we looked at this cheesecake out in front

front

i ate it you ate it

i told you you'd live with the consequences

everything that i've been talking about

is not easily achievable

it takes continuous effort

you can't fake for instance the ability

to do 20 push-ups

you can't fake it

you have to pay the price

next time i come back he literally i'm

convinced could do 25 even

even

50. but he'd have to pay a price to do it

it stirs up an awareness that

we're dealing with realities out there

particularly principles that ultimately

will govern

we are not in control

see the traditional concept is get in control

control

we are not in control

principles control

we control our actions but the

consequences that flow from those

actions are controlled by principles

as abraham lincoln once put it

people will pass away but principles

never will

they endure

this is why we believe so much in the eastern

eastern statement

statement

give a man a fish you feed him for the

day teach him how to fish you feed him

for a lifetime

see even though you may teach someone a

practice always try to teach the

principal which underlies it

because the situation may change in the

practice no longer applies

the principle will be constant

principles are

universal natural laws self-evident

self-evident self-validating

self-validating

they govern ultimately values don't govern

govern

a paradigm

comes from the greek root paradigma

it basically means a pattern

a model

a representation

something that stands for something else

it comes from

the mental image you have in your mind

of the way things are out there and the

images we carry in our heads of the way

things are of reality

come basically from our own backgrounds

our own experiences

all of us think we see the world as it is

in fact

we see the world as we are

we project

onto the outside world

our environment the people we associate with

with including

including

how we see ourselves we project

out of our own conditioning experiences

our background

a certain

representation a certain model a certain

set of expectations a certain

assumption on that reality out there

and we think that's the way it is

i might describe myself or you or a situation

situation

as if i am describing it as it is

in fact i am describing myself that is

my perceptions my frame of reference my worldview

worldview

my value system my autobiography

and i'm projecting it

upon the outside

now let me get a very simple layman's

way of looking at a paradigm

it is a map

like a map of this hotel

i'll ask

what would you do if you came here

to portland

and you have no information at all about

this place

and you were given a map where you

rented the car

and it was a map of seattle

but on the top

it said portland

what would you do

so you don't know otherwise

never been here you have no other source

of information

i would hopefully ask for a little bit

more direction other than just what's on

that map maybe have them start me out

the person at the desk said sorry sir

that's all we have and it's late at

night good luck to you here's the keys

to your car it's right across the street

it's in

number 14.

and if you follow this map you'll be

able to find this hotel that you want to

get to can i just assume that you call

your buddy here up on the phone

and he knows that you've got that map

and he says to you what's your first name

name keith

keith

so now you double your speed what's

going to happen i'm going to get nowhere

you call him back in a state of total

despair and discouragement and you say

to him i have never been so confused and

so lost in my life and i am following

this map to the hilt and i have doubled

my speed i'm lost twice as fast

he senses you're discouraged

you read it down you're almost ready to

give up it's despairing

and he says to you

he gets you just jazzed right out of

your gourd i mean he says you can do

this thing rise to the occasion

do it

i do it

that'll do it

now you don't even care you're lost

right that's right i'm a happy boss

that's what a paradigm is

you see

a paradigm is the map you have in your mind

mind

once you have an accurate map then your

behavior and your attitude matter see

what we call maps are usually assumptions

assumptions

assumptions of the way things are represent

represent just

just

that's what reality is

you don't question that

i remember

i was giving a speech a little while

back and

there was someone on the front row just

constantly talking to another person

my mother was two rows behind

and she was so upset

upset

that here her precious son was being so ignored

ignored

so blatantly so openly

constantly and would not end

from the very moment

i began to the end my speech this

constant talking

and it just totally discombobulated her

own listening and she

felt like

taking her purse and reaching two rows ahead

anyway she went up afterwards to the

person that was

running the conference and

did you see that did you see what was

happening can you believe that right

there on the front of it

she's korean

i was on a subway

very very large metropolitan city

a bunch of young kids running to the subway

subway

father follows

he sits near me the kids just go crazy

on that subway running up and down turning

turning

people's papers aside just raucous and rude

rude

i'm sitting there oh i can't believe this

this

he does nothing i look at my attitude

see attitude and try to control

but look what i could see

after a few minutes attitude went into behavior

behavior sir

sir

do you think you could control your

children a little they're very upsetting

to people

oh yeah he lifted his head as if to come

to an awareness of what was happening yeah

i don't know i just

guess i should we just left the hospital

their mother died just about an hour ago and

and

i guess they don't know how to take it

imagine the paradigm shift that took

place there

imagine now what the attitude and the

behavior would be based upon that paradigm

paradigm

can you see why paradigms are deeper

than attitude or behavior

and you know even though we're talking

here in personal and interpersonal ways

the same thing takes place throughout

our whole society

thomas kuhn in his brilliant book the

structure of scientific revolutions

out so powerfully and consistently

all the significant breakthroughs

were break with old ways of thinking

einstein who rewrote physics

he made this brilliant statement

these significant problems we face

cannot be solved at the same level of

thinking we were at when we created them

you see it causes us to be reflective

and introspective to explore our own paradigms

paradigms

most people focus upon behavior and upon attitude

attitude

and both of those are of course very important

important

but far more fundamental

than either behavior

behavior

or attitude

paradigm how many here have ever been to uh

well what if that was the only source of

this weird caricature

i mean it showed me without any hair if

see most people's self maps

are a function of the social mirror

they live out of the social mirror

a mother the other day said to me i

cannot believe my child

all of a sudden she turned 17

and she's like a different person

i have never seen anyone so uncooperative

uncooperative

so rebellious so angry so unwilling to

do anything to help us at home

or to even be

open to influence at all

now what is happening to

the map or the paradigm in her head

and what do you do when you have that

you act upon it

that is the image that you have in your head

head

of this person it's the map you have of

this person

now someone could say to you just as i

did here

but as long as a person carries that map

that image of this other person

in their head

they're going to treat them that way

as soon as they treat them that way the tendency

tendency

is for people to respond accordingly

it's called the self-fulfilling prophecy

people live up

to the social mirror that surrounds them now

now

notice how you see your daughter well

well

it's not how i see her it's the way she is

potentially

is she capable of so much more oh yes i

know that why don't you see her in terms

of her potential

is not her potential part of the reality

of her life

isn't it really the larger part

where the present manifestation as she

goes through

say the emotional ups and downs of her

teenage so-called identity crisis

you could live out of your imagination

and out of a map a paradigm a view based upon her potential which you

based upon her potential which you deeply really believe in

deeply really believe in yeah but what do i do with all this

yeah but what do i do with all this behavior and

behavior and the totally unwillingness to cooperate

the totally unwillingness to cooperate to do her part

to do her part observe your paradigm observe the map

observe your paradigm observe the map you have of her

you have of her i remember i was in a situation like

i remember i was in a situation like that

that one of our teenage sons just

one of our teenage sons just between the grade school and junior high

between the grade school and junior high was

was just not performing

just not performing it wasn't adequate in any area

it wasn't adequate in any area athletically

athletically people would fall apart with laughter

people would fall apart with laughter watching

watching you know almost swinging the bat before

you know almost swinging the bat before the ball was pitched

the ball was pitched academically

academically not only

not only wouldn't do well on tests couldn't even

wouldn't do well on tests couldn't even begin to take them

begin to take them socially

socially sometimes very embarrassing

sometimes very embarrassing now look at the evidence we have

and sandra and i my wife i would talk about this

about this well maybe every family deserves their

well maybe every family deserves their one

but we cared about this boy and we

and we were very worried and i remember one

were very worried and i remember one time

time talking about the same subject in armonk

talking about the same subject in armonk new york

new york and i was talking about a

and i was talking about a study

study which opened up the whole field of

which opened up the whole field of what's called

what's called the self-fulfilling prophecy

the self-fulfilling prophecy where a computer in england

where a computer in england called the bright group

dumb essentially here's the teachers

here's the teachers it's the bright group over here

it's the bright group over here we've got a hundred and

we've got a hundred and twenty hundred thirty iq

twenty hundred thirty iq i love education they love learning

you'll really enjoy them this group here

this group here you can kind of tell when you just look

you can kind of tell when you just look at their faces

this group they're very fine people too but they don't have the same candle

but they don't have the same candle power and

power and you have to respect that

you have to respect that now notice what's happening

now notice what's happening i'm talking as if i'm describing reality

i'm talking as if i'm describing reality right

right this is the way they are

this is the way they are and they buy it

and they buy it and they act on it for a period of

and they act on it for a period of several months

several months in other words it becomes

in other words it becomes their view their paradigm

their view their paradigm but you know what

but you know what several months later

several months later they discovered

they discovered there was a computer mistake of some

there was a computer mistake of some kind and the two groups were switched

kind and the two groups were switched they immediately tested

they immediately tested without telling anything to anybody

without telling anything to anybody this group here went up something like

this group here went up something like 18 points

18 points this group went down 14 points

this group went down 14 points the self-fulfilling prophecy

the self-fulfilling prophecy our self maps are self paradigms

our self maps are self paradigms so much a function of the social mirror

so much a function of the social mirror a reversal

a reversal based upon

based upon expectancy paradigms

expectancy paradigms the mental representation the maps held

the mental representation the maps held by these people

by these people that is the significance of paradigms

that is the significance of paradigms and you notice how behavior and attitude

and you notice how behavior and attitude flow out of

flow out of how you see

how you see well anyway i was literally teaching

well anyway i was literally teaching this like i'm teaching you right now

this like i'm teaching you right now and in my mind i was thinking

and in my mind i was thinking of my boy

of my boy is it possible

is it possible that

that the problem

the problem is in my paradigm

that the problem is with me not my boy

not my boy well i talked with my wife when i

well i talked with my wife when i returned home from that trip and i said

returned home from that trip and i said you know i'm just wondering if

you know i'm just wondering if the social mirror from you and i are not

the social mirror from you and i are not major contributors

major contributors to these difficulties and these problems

to these difficulties and these problems this lack of ability to cope

this lack of ability to cope we found that we were to some degree

we found that we were to some degree trying to get social mileage out of our

trying to get social mileage out of our kids good behavior

kids good behavior see that was part of our motive

see that was part of our motive of what people thought of us about our

of what people thought of us about our children we liked the way they would

children we liked the way they would speak well of us because of the

speak well of us because of the performance of our children we worried

performance of our children we worried what would happen if they didn't live up

what would happen if they didn't live up to it

to it we see what we seek

so we explored our motives and said this is not what we seek

we began to see him differently as a person precious in his own right

as a person precious in his own right not to be compared with anyone else

not to be compared with anyone else not to get into the social mirror of

not to get into the social mirror of comparison against timetable

comparison against timetable social agenda

social agenda he could easily be a late bloomer with

he could easily be a late bloomer with tremendous potentialities

tremendous potentialities that does not test out well in some

that does not test out well in some areas we don't know it's just a whole

areas we don't know it's just a whole big area of potential and we were trying

big area of potential and we were trying to put labels upon it you see what i

to put labels upon it you see what i mean by the tendency is to project out

mean by the tendency is to project out of our own experiences

like a home movie to project onto someone else

movie to project onto someone else and to label but we never explored our

and to label but we never explored our own motive we never became reflective

own motive we never became reflective and introspective

and introspective things were going well with the others

things were going well with the others but all of a sudden something threw us

but all of a sudden something threw us out of our standard operating procedure

out of our standard operating procedure and we couldn't just easily gloss over

and we couldn't just easily gloss over by psyching them up with pma stuff come

by psyching them up with pma stuff come on think

on think positively you know keep your eye on the

positively you know keep your eye on the ball when it comes now

ball when it comes now all right now then you swing that's okay

all right now then you swing that's okay son don't worry about it

son don't worry about it get off his back you know you made

get off his back you know you made mistakes okay you're all fine son and

mistakes okay you're all fine son and privately we talk with each other see oh

privately we talk with each other see oh what have we got here

unprincipled as if he had no intrinsic merit and

as if he had no intrinsic merit and worth

worth that was the hardest part of the therapy

that was the hardest part of the therapy was dealing with self exploring our own

was dealing with self exploring our own paradigms

paradigms loosening them up but when you try to

loosening them up but when you try to have people

have people to possess them to own them

to possess them to own them and to have their performance reflect on

and to have their performance reflect on your reputation

your reputation your basic motive structure drives the

your basic motive structure drives the paradigm of how you see that person

paradigm of how you see that person because you'll see them through this

because you'll see them through this social mere

social mere frame of reference and then you get into

frame of reference and then you get into the self-fulfilling prophecy

the self-fulfilling prophecy hopefully

hopefully our humility

our humility our willingness

our willingness to surface the assumptions

to surface the assumptions we make about life

we make about life and to challenge them

and to challenge them has been stirred up

has been stirred up particularly when it comes to our maps

particularly when it comes to our maps of our self

of our self of our loved ones of our boss

of our loved ones of our boss of our

of our work associates

work associates of other people

of other people and then

and then out of that humility

out of that humility to say to the other person

to say to the other person how do you see it

how do you see it what is your view

what is your view what is your perspective

what is your perspective what is your frame of reference what is

what is your frame of reference what is your opinion

your opinion and you constantly get a better better

and you constantly get a better better sense of the way things are

sense of the way things are you get a better and better paradigm

the seven habits of highly effective people

highly effective not mediocre

not mediocre effectiveness

effectiveness not low level effectiveness

not low level effectiveness high effectiveness

high effectiveness quantum leaps in effectiveness

quantum leaps in effectiveness what do we mean by effectiveness

what do we mean by effectiveness what is effectiveness

we could use the word success you know but

you know but that word carries so much of the old

that word carries so much of the old social value connotation of having it

social value connotation of having it all

that's why we use the word effectiveness seven habits of highly effective people

you know about isa and his famous tales

and his famous tales about this poor farmer you know really

about this poor farmer you know really down on his luck

down on his luck and the farmer

and the farmer visits his favorite goose

visits his favorite goose and he notices one day

and he notices one day there is a large egg

there is a large egg a golden egg by the side of that goose

a golden egg by the side of that goose he thinks someone has tricked him

he thinks someone has tricked him so he throws it away

so he throws it away second thought

second thought he decides to test it and finds out

he decides to test it and finds out indeed it is pure gold

indeed it is pure gold pure gold and he's been so poor for so

pure gold and he's been so poor for so long

long and the next day

and the next day another one

another one and the next day another one

and the next day another one every day there's another golden egg

every day there's another golden egg he becomes so wealthy so fabulously

he becomes so wealthy so fabulously wealthy

wealthy but he also becomes

but he also becomes very impatient and very greedy he wants

very impatient and very greedy he wants them all

them all he wants them all now

he wants them all now so he kills that goose

so he kills that goose reaches inside to get them all and of

reaches inside to get them all and of course finds none

now in that little fable is the essence

is the essence of the definition of effectiveness

it's made up basically of two things getting what you want

getting what you want and second

and second getting what you want in a way that

getting what you want in a way that enables you to get what you want again

enables you to get what you want again and again

and again and

and again we call it the ppc

again we call it the ppc balance

balance p stands for production of desired

p stands for production of desired results

results pc stands for

pc stands for production capability

production capability in other words the capability of the

in other words the capability of the asset to continue to produce the results

asset to continue to produce the results you can apply this to any field of human

you can apply this to any field of human endeavor

endeavor any field

any field how many here have had a ppc imbalance

how many here have had a ppc imbalance with regard to the way you take care of

with regard to the way you take care of your physical assets

your physical assets your car

your car your lawnmower

your lawnmower how many sometimes just run that over

how many sometimes just run that over and over and not properly maintained how

and over and not properly maintained how many have had that experience

many have had that experience why it takes time to give attention time

why it takes time to give attention time and money to attend to pc production

and money to attend to pc production capability

capability and people who are in a rush and who

and people who are in a rush and who want what they want now they'll go ahead

want what they want now they'll go ahead and just run that machine or that car

and just run that machine or that car with no thought to its maintenance

with no thought to its maintenance really no pc attention at all

really no pc attention at all eventually

eventually no more golden eggs

no more golden eggs the goose dies

let me ask you what you would do if you were in a situation

were in a situation inside a company

inside a company you're in charge of this machine

you're in charge of this machine the machine is

the machine is producing well

producing well and you want to really impress those

and you want to really impress those people upstairs

people upstairs with the way you can produce

with the way you can produce and there's very quick upward mobility

and there's very quick upward mobility so you're really only interested

so you're really only interested short-term production results what would

short-term production results what would you do with that machine move into high

you do with that machine move into high gear

gear high gear

run it all the time no pc

no pc no maintenance why that's downtime

no maintenance why that's downtime that's costs

that's costs just keep that baby running constantly

just keep that baby running constantly more and more and more golden eggs

more and more and more golden eggs now you're promoted because there is

now you're promoted because there is such quick upward mobility the growth is

such quick upward mobility the growth is just enormous in that organization

just enormous in that organization then the next new manager of the machine

then the next new manager of the machine comes

comes on the scene

on the scene by this time

by this time the machine is broken down

the machine is broken down because of no pc

because of no pc so he's got to do pc work maintenance

so he's got to do pc work maintenance work repair work

work repair work so his costs go like this

so his costs go like this and his production goes like this

and his production goes like this my cost went like this

my cost went like this and my production went like that

and my production went like that i wrote black ink he wrote red ink

i wrote black ink he wrote red ink what do we say about my successor

what do we say about my successor yeah what a loser

yeah what a loser really

really i mean while you were there

i mean while you were there profitable

profitable as soon as you left unprofitable

as soon as you left unprofitable what about

what about our bodies

how many here have the regular practice of

of a good exercise program

a good exercise program how many know you should

well ultimately what will happen immune system could be weakened make you

immune system could be weakened make you vulnerable to all kinds of other

vulnerable to all kinds of other diseases

diseases what about the mind

what about the mind what about the development of the mind

what about the development of the mind constant learning

constant learning you can become so obsolete so fast

you can become so obsolete so fast if you don't pay the price on a daily

if you don't pay the price on a daily basis

basis to stay abreast of your own field

to stay abreast of your own field and at least some working conceptual

and at least some working conceptual knowledge of how that relates to the

knowledge of how that relates to the other fields out there

other fields out there can you see why effectiveness with one's

can you see why effectiveness with one's self

self with body mind and spirit is a pepc

with body mind and spirit is a pepc balance

balance with any physical assets with even

with any physical assets with even financial assets

financial assets how many have gone for the golden eggs

how many have gone for the golden eggs from time to time in your life

from time to time in your life where you started to spend the principle

where you started to spend the principle instead of the interest

how many have ever done that that is you want to live a little higher on the hog

want to live a little higher on the hog so you dip into the principle the fun

so you dip into the principle the fun see the investment

see the investment rather than living on the interest

rather than living on the interest so you can have more of what you want

so you can have more of what you want now

now the whole idea of

the whole idea of denying yourself of subordinating it

denying yourself of subordinating it of the discipline it takes to say before

of the discipline it takes to say before you spend

you spend instead of to spend and then be forced

instead of to spend and then be forced to save and that can then be a seed bed

to save and that can then be a seed bed to other human interaction problems or

to other human interaction problems or to in-law problems

to in-law problems or any other tender sensitive areas

or any other tender sensitive areas that's when you start to realize the

that's when you start to realize the goose has died

goose has died or is dying it's sick

or is dying it's sick the same thing in a marriage

the same thing in a marriage relationship

relationship you may have

you may have a situation like i saw

a situation like i saw a while back with the young president's

a while back with the young president's organization and their families

organization and their families very successful person

very successful person went from nothing to worth hundreds of

went from nothing to worth hundreds of millions of dollars

millions of dollars and had a totally bankrupt family

and had a totally bankrupt family and the question was asked

and the question was asked was this person truly successful

was this person truly successful to use our language effective

to use our language effective well

well in the business sense maybe you'd say

in the business sense maybe you'd say yes

yes but in the total sense

but in the total sense in terms of what really matters on one's

in terms of what really matters on one's deathbed

deathbed you'd probably say no

you'd probably say no pc production capability was utterly

pc production capability was utterly neglected

neglected in the marriage or in the family

in the marriage or in the family can you see why effectiveness

can you see why effectiveness at home is a ppc balance

what about business what happens when you neglect the pc of

what happens when you neglect the pc of business

business say with a customer

think you lose that customer

you lose that customer okay

that customer's going to tell others and you're going to lose

you're going to lose everyone that

everyone that she or he has influence over it's why

she or he has influence over it's why you cannot afford to lose a customer

you cannot afford to lose a customer without any question the most powerful

without any question the most powerful advertising is word of mouth

advertising is word of mouth people just accept it like that that

people just accept it like that that doesn't mean that you just give the

doesn't mean that you just give the customer everything

customer everything it means that you try to create a

it means that you try to create a win-win situation

win-win situation so that on balance

so that on balance what the customer wants and your

what the customer wants and your capacity to keep producing for that

capacity to keep producing for that customer your pc

customer your pc is in alignment

is in alignment and they're balanced together

and they're balanced together i remember a clam chatter house that

i remember a clam chatter house that literally was so

literally was so popular that you could hardly get near

popular that you could hardly get near the place from about 11 o'clock in the

the place from about 11 o'clock in the morning till 2 o'clock people would not

morning till 2 o'clock people would not only buy it for their lunch they would

only buy it for their lunch they would buy a big

buy a big bucket of it for their dinner and take

bucket of it for their dinner and take it home it was so good it was just so

it home it was so good it was just so popular new management came in no one

popular new management came in no one knew about the change of management

knew about the change of management same name and everything else but they

same name and everything else but they watered down the clam chowder

watered down the clam chowder now the bottom line guess what happened

now the bottom line guess what happened for

for a month or so it just zoomed like this

a month or so it just zoomed like this why

why they save all that cost

they save all that cost all that expense and the quality put

all that expense and the quality put into the clam chowder

into the clam chowder but eventually

but eventually it liquidated

it liquidated the loyalty of their customer base

the loyalty of their customer base liquidated it little by little the goose

liquidated it little by little the goose died

died they tried to recover it but by that

they tried to recover it but by that time

time there was a violation that had taken

there was a violation that had taken place with the public

place with the public many would not even go back they didn't

many would not even go back they didn't trust him anymore they wouldn't even

trust him anymore they wouldn't even believe those who said it was the same

believe those who said it was the same clam chowder as before

clam chowder as before they felt violated

they felt violated so often the case in human organizations

so often the case in human organizations that you can liquidate human resources

that you can liquidate human resources by practices that focus on

by practices that focus on desired results production of desired

desired results production of desired results but neglects production

results but neglects production capability

capability what about the employee

what about the employee who serves the customer

who serves the customer how can you neglect the pc with that

how can you neglect the pc with that person

person cut out training cut out institutional

cut out training cut out institutional advertising cut out research and

advertising cut out research and development any form of people

development any form of people development i mean you can just about

development i mean you can just about double quadruple the bottom line of any

double quadruple the bottom line of any organization you want by cutting out pc

organization you want by cutting out pc and for a quarter or two

and for a quarter or two what's it going to look like

what's it going to look like look at the golden egg just absolutely

look at the golden egg just absolutely raking in

raking in always treat your people

always treat your people exactly as you want them to treat your

exactly as you want them to treat your finest customers

finest customers and they will in most cases they will

and they will in most cases they will it's a fundamental principle of pc in

it's a fundamental principle of pc in business

business focus on every stakeholder

focus on every stakeholder and ask

and ask how well

how well is the relationship with this

is the relationship with this stakeholder

stakeholder sustaining the capacity to produce what

sustaining the capacity to produce what we want from that stakeholder whether it

we want from that stakeholder whether it be a supplier

be a supplier the community

the community the environment out there

the environment out there distributors

distributors dealers as well as the obvious

dealers as well as the obvious stakeholders

stakeholders of customers owners and employees

of customers owners and employees you really have to ask that question

you really have to ask that question the ultimate ppc balance

the ultimate ppc balance is to

is to fight

fight to increase the economic well-being

to increase the economic well-being and quality of life of all stakeholders

and quality of life of all stakeholders you neglect one stakeholder it will have

you neglect one stakeholder it will have a negative domino effect upon all the

a negative domino effect upon all the rest

rest that's why this ppc balance is so

that's why this ppc balance is so foundational

now i'd like to introduce you to a concept called the emotional bank

to a concept called the emotional bank account

account you know what a financial bank account

you know what a financial bank account is

is if you were my banker and i were to make

if you were my banker and i were to make many many deposits into this bank

many many deposits into this bank account

account it would gradually get larger and larger

it would gradually get larger and larger i could even take withdrawals from it

i could even take withdrawals from it but i have great reserve capacity

but i have great reserve capacity an emotional bank account is like that

an emotional bank account is like that as well

as well you could make many many deposits

you could make many many deposits over a period of time

over a period of time which would build my reserve capacity

which would build my reserve capacity with you

with you if i make a mistake

that is a small withdrawal and the trust is so high i still have a huge reserve

is so high i still have a huge reserve capacity

capacity if i make a huge mistake

if i make a huge mistake that violates

that violates in the deepest sense

in the deepest sense or agreement it may cause

or agreement it may cause the emotional bank account to be

the emotional bank account to be overdrawn all at one time see

overdrawn all at one time see the concept of the emotional bank

the concept of the emotional bank account is the production capability

account is the production capability side

side of human relationships

of human relationships of human interaction

of human interaction now any metaphor if pushed far enough

now any metaphor if pushed far enough will tend to break down

will tend to break down including this one you don't make

including this one you don't make deposits in order to take withdrawals

deposits in order to take withdrawals nevertheless

nevertheless if you have a high emotional bank

if you have a high emotional bank account if the quality of that

account if the quality of that relationship is so good and the trust is

relationship is so good and the trust is so high

so high you can in fact

you can in fact make mistakes you can take withdrawals

make mistakes you can take withdrawals not on purpose

not on purpose but

but often unwittingly

often unwittingly unknowingly because of insensitivity

unknowingly because of insensitivity or whatever

or whatever but people understand just to illustrate

but people understand just to illustrate how many have a high emotional bank

how many have a high emotional bank account with somebody

account with somebody a trust relationship with someone think

a trust relationship with someone think of that person

of that person that it is so high

that it is so high you can communicate with them almost

you can communicate with them almost without words

without words can you think of people

can you think of people how many have such a high emotional bank

how many have such a high emotional bank account that you can even make mistakes

account that you can even make mistakes in your communication

in your communication and they'll still get your meaning

why they know your heart

they know your heart they know what you represent

they know what you represent now the opposite how many have a

now the opposite how many have a relationship with someone that is really

relationship with someone that is really strained where the trust isn't there

strained where the trust isn't there where the emotional bank account is

where the emotional bank account is overdrawn

overdrawn how many have had that in your life or

how many have had that in your life or now have one of those in your life

now have one of those in your life now what happens when you communicate

now what happens when you communicate what happens when you are very clear in

what happens when you are very clear in your communication

your communication it won't take

it won't take they're always looking for the hidden

they're always looking for the hidden agendas

agendas they're reading between the lines what's

they're reading between the lines what's going on here really

going on here really and if you make a small mistake boy that

and if you make a small mistake boy that thing can be blown all out of proportion

thing can be blown all out of proportion talk about drowning in a puddle

talk about drowning in a puddle talk about exacerbating some small

talk about exacerbating some small little weakness into a major character

little weakness into a major character flaw or something like that

flaw or something like that what originally began as just simple

what originally began as just simple misunderstandings

misunderstandings are exacerbated until they become major

are exacerbated until they become major communication breakdowns

some people even call them personality conflicts

i was doing a seminar one time on the oregon coastline

oregon coastline it was so beautiful

it was so beautiful that we actually held our meetings

that we actually held our meetings outside

outside people just wanted to be immersed in

people just wanted to be immersed in this nature

this nature a lovely day it was warm

a lovely day it was warm one man came up to me afterwards and

one man came up to me afterwards and said oh boy

said oh boy i wish i could enjoy these things that

i wish i could enjoy these things that i just can't what's the problem

i just can't what's the problem well

well i don't know my wife just grills me like

i don't know my wife just grills me like you can't believe i mean she just

you can't believe i mean she just doesn't trust me and

doesn't trust me and she constantly uh

she constantly uh you know examines every part of my life

you know examines every part of my life where have you been what did you do who

where have you been what did you do who did you go with

did you go with what did you do tonight who'd you go to

what did you do tonight who'd you go to dinner with and who can i call to check

dinner with and who can i call to check up on all this

up on all this and then we talked a little while and

and then we talked a little while and then he said

then he said of course i guess she has

of course i guess she has good reason for all

good reason for all these misgivings i mean

these misgivings i mean i met her when i was on one of these

i met her when i was on one of these trips when i was married to someone else

trips when i was married to someone else [Laughter]

[Laughter] and i remember saying to him

and i remember saying to him you cannot talk yourself

you cannot talk yourself out of problems

out of problems you behave yourself into

you behave yourself into there is no shortcut

there is no shortcut there is no quick fix

there is no quick fix the law of the harvest

the law of the harvest governs

let me share with you a few examples of deposits and withdrawals into the

deposits and withdrawals into the emotional bank account

emotional bank account the first and most important deposit

the first and most important deposit kindness and courtesy

kindness and courtesy the opposite of course would be

the opposite of course would be unkinus and discourtesy

unkinus and discourtesy a second deposit

a second deposit make and keep promises

make and keep promises the opposite of that is

the opposite of that is don't make promises

don't make promises or

or make them and break them

make them and break them to make and keep a promise

to make and keep a promise essentially lets the other person know

essentially lets the other person know you can be counted upon

you can be counted upon you're dependable

you're dependable you will come through

there is no ability like dependability you gave your word you kept it

you gave your word you kept it the circumstances changed you kept it

the circumstances changed you kept it the mood changed you kept it

the mood changed you kept it you come through

you come through if the circumstances change to the point

if the circumstances change to the point that it would be unwise to keep that

that it would be unwise to keep that promise

promise you immediately communicate

you immediately communicate and get them to understand those new

and get them to understand those new circumstances

circumstances so that they will relieve you of the

so that they will relieve you of the promise

promise be very careful before you ever make a

be very careful before you ever make a promise

promise particularly if it's about a promise

particularly if it's about a promise dealing with something that's terribly

dealing with something that's terribly important to another

important to another that is

that is of jugular importance be very careful

of jugular importance be very careful the withdrawal is not to make any

the withdrawal is not to make any promises at all though

promises at all though because you create no hope

because you create no hope that is a withdrawal as well

that is a withdrawal as well not as big though as making one in order

not as big though as making one in order to placate someone to kind of have them

to placate someone to kind of have them be satisfied right now

be satisfied right now and then to break it downstream

and then to break it downstream because your mood has changed or the

because your mood has changed or the circumstances have altered

circumstances have altered or you just don't want to keep it and

or you just don't want to keep it and you just made it because you wanted to

you just made it because you wanted to please them at the time

please them at the time insecure people make promises freely and

insecure people make promises freely and quickly all of the time

quickly all of the time another very powerful deposit

another very powerful deposit is the way that you

is the way that you manage expectations

manage expectations you want to make sure that expectations

you want to make sure that expectations are clear

are clear and unambiguous

and unambiguous some people particularly if they're

some people particularly if they're rather immature and insecure

rather immature and insecure will read an expectation as a promise

will read an expectation as a promise so you have to be very explicit to

so you have to be very explicit to manage expectations

manage expectations if you sense that people implicitly are

if you sense that people implicitly are projecting expectations upon you

projecting expectations upon you sometimes you have to say

sometimes you have to say let me clarify the expectations

let me clarify the expectations so that people are at peace

so that people are at peace the withdrawal

the withdrawal is to have unclear expectations

is to have unclear expectations unidentified expectations

unidentified expectations ambiguous expectations

ambiguous expectations unacknowledged expectations

unacknowledged expectations that lie implicit inside people

that lie implicit inside people our frustrations are a product of our

our frustrations are a product of our expectations

expectations and we control our expectations

and we control our expectations therefore we indirectly control

therefore we indirectly control our frustration or our satisfaction

another extremely powerful deposit strikes at such a deep tendency that

strikes at such a deep tendency that many of us have

many of us have having to do with being a judge

having to do with being a judge i call this deposit

i call this deposit loyalty

loyalty to the absent

to the absent the withdrawal of course would be

the withdrawal of course would be disloyalty

disloyalty and duplicity

and duplicity always be loyal to those who are not

always be loyal to those who are not present

present speak about them

speak about them as if they were present

as if they were present if you're critical

if you're critical the spirit is one of constructive

the spirit is one of constructive criticism

criticism one of helpfulness

one of helpfulness or understanding

or understanding you see

you see the moment the two of us

the moment the two of us sit and bad-mouth

sit and bad-mouth our supervisor here

our supervisor here what do you know i'm doing

what do you know i'm doing when there's a strain on our

when there's a strain on our relationship

relationship what am i doing what do you think i'm

what am i doing what do you think i'm doing

doing well if there's a strain in our

well if there's a strain in our relationship and i'm talking to him

relationship and i'm talking to him about you

about you what am i doing

what am i doing doing the same thing exactly that he and

doing the same thing exactly that he and i did

i did about him

about him you see

you see it is not principle centered

it is not principle centered he knows it

he knows it he knows my tendency

he knows my tendency so that when we speak about the one who

so that when we speak about the one who is absent in a way

is absent in a way that would show respect for him even if

that would show respect for him even if we're critical of him but in a

we're critical of him but in a constructive positive way

constructive positive way what does he know

what does he know i'm saying when visiting with him who is

i'm saying when visiting with him who is critical of him

critical of him that i would do the same thing

in other words if you want to retain those who are

if you want to retain those who are present

present be loyal to those who are absent

be loyal to those who are absent now when the sun is shining

now when the sun is shining and you sit and kind of bad-mouth

and you sit and kind of bad-mouth somebody it kind of unites you doesn't

somebody it kind of unites you doesn't it

it kind of cement your relationship because

kind of cement your relationship because see you have a common

see you have a common enemy as it were or someone that you

enemy as it were or someone that you both agree on and you can tear into see

both agree on and you can tear into see kind of unites you and you look for

kind of unites you and you look for evidence and

evidence and then you have breaks and talk about the

then you have breaks and talk about the person and maybe even have lunch over

person and maybe even have lunch over that person's sins and share each

that person's sins and share each other's stories

make your mind up and if you're into team building if

and if you're into team building if you're into culture building if you're

you're into culture building if you're into family building

into family building make a commitment

make a commitment everybody if there's any difficulty

everybody if there's any difficulty with another person what do you do

with another person what do you do go directly to the person

go directly to the person you don't talk behind their back

i was failing this one time

failing this one time complaining to the university president

complaining to the university president of a university that i was a visiting

of a university that i was a visiting professor at

professor at about

about his housing director

his housing director who had given us such a bad housing

who had given us such a bad housing situation contrary to our agreement and

situation contrary to our agreement and expectation

and i was really cutting into the guy his competency

his competency and the president said stephen i'm so

and the president said stephen i'm so sorry to hear about this housing

sorry to hear about this housing situation you're in

the housing director is such a fine competent person

competent person why don't we have income on over here

why don't we have income on over here and we'll solve the problem together

i don't want to be involved see i didn't say that because that would be obviously

say that because that would be obviously so irresponsible

so irresponsible but oh that's how i felt inside

but oh that's how i felt inside i don't want to talk to him

i don't want to talk to him i want to talk about him

this president he just was matter-of-fact and

president he just was matter-of-fact and pleasant and

pleasant and as the gentleman was coming across

as the gentleman was coming across campus to the president's office

campus to the president's office i was going through this internal

i was going through this internal dialogue

dialogue what have i got myself into now

i'm probably responsible for part of the miscommunication

miscommunication maybe we got what was agreed i don't

maybe we got what was agreed i don't know what the situation is honestly i

know what the situation is honestly i was so humbled

was so humbled by the time he arrived there

by the time he arrived there you know how are you

you know how are you good to see uh

good to see uh the president could see my duplicity i

the president could see my duplicity i mean ten minutes before

mean ten minutes before what incompetence there's just no carry

what incompetence there's just no carry through with the original commitment how

through with the original commitment how are ya

are ya [Laughter]

[Laughter] double-minded person is unstable in all

double-minded person is unstable in all his ways

his ways duplicity

duplicity another major deposit

another major deposit if you blow

if you blow any of the above

any of the above learn to apologize

learn to apologize the withdrawal

the withdrawal is pride

is pride learn to apologize

learn to apologize i was wrong

i was wrong that was unkind

i saw my son the other day cutting into this little sister for

cutting into this little sister for cleaning up his desk he had it all

cleaning up his desk he had it all organized to do his project

organized to do his project took him a long time

took him a long time she came in

she came in intending to help her brother and

intending to help her brother and organizes it and cleans it up for him

she thought that was a deposit to him it was withdrawal

was withdrawal he starts

he starts really

really laying into her and in the middle of his

laying into her and in the middle of his criticism he caught himself

criticism he caught himself oh

i shouldn't take my frustrations out on you

you i'm sorry

i'm sorry i know you meant well and i watched that

i know you meant well and i watched that and i thought

and i thought that takes real presence

that takes real presence that takes real maturity

that takes real maturity real

real respect

respect a lot of personal security

a lot of personal security he can in the middle of his anger take

he can in the middle of his anger take control over it

control over it the ability to apologize

the ability to apologize to forget and forgive to let go

to forget and forgive to let go of resentment

of resentment one of the most liberating and freeing

one of the most liberating and freeing things possible

things possible but it's also an enormous deposit

but it's also an enormous deposit to another person

let me share with you a few thoughts and challenges to encourage you in the

challenges to encourage you in the process of developing these habits

process of developing these habits one of the most important things you can

one of the most important things you can do

do is to share these ideas with others

is to share these ideas with others with your family with your friends and

with your family with your friends and associates

associates don't just retail what you've learned

don't just retail what you've learned but talk about the insights you've

but talk about the insights you've acquired

acquired and the ideas that you want to implement

and the ideas that you want to implement because that's where the real learning

because that's where the real learning takes place it is in the teaching and in

takes place it is in the teaching and in the sharing

the sharing get with a coach or someone who is also

get with a coach or someone who is also working on these habits

working on these habits set a specific time to get together and

set a specific time to get together and keep that date

keep that date share insights into what has worked for

share insights into what has worked for you and what is not

you and what is not discover together how you can overcome

discover together how you can overcome the challenges you face in developing

the challenges you face in developing all of these habits

all of these habits set goals to improve in specific areas

set goals to improve in specific areas focus on a single habit look over your

focus on a single habit look over your materials

materials read and reflect on how you can improve

read and reflect on how you can improve in this habit

in this habit revisit the commitments you've made to

revisit the commitments you've made to yourself throughout the course

yourself throughout the course don't try to change everything all at

don't try to change everything all at once

once listen with your heart determine those

listen with your heart determine those things that are most important for you

things that are most important for you to work on right now

to work on right now remember

remember don't give up

don't give up be patient

be patient a strong character is not developed

a strong character is not developed overnight

overnight choose to live your life based upon

choose to live your life based upon correct principles

correct principles all of the seven habits are based on

all of the seven habits are based on universal principles which have endured

universal principles which have endured throughout the ages

throughout the ages live the habits

live the habits work within your circle of influence and

work within your circle of influence and become a transition figure in your work

become a transition figure in your work your community and your family

your community and your family set aside time to go to a quiet place to

set aside time to go to a quiet place to really think about your mission what is

really think about your mission what is it you stand for what is your purpose

it you stand for what is your purpose what are your values

what are your values keep working through your mission

keep working through your mission statement until it inspires you then

statement until it inspires you then live by your mission

live by your mission choose to put first things first

choose to put first things first search for a win-win in every situation

search for a win-win in every situation learn to stop and listen to others first

learn to stop and listen to others first listen with your heart

listen with your heart value differences

value differences look at differences as the springboard

look at differences as the springboard to finding the third alternative

to finding the third alternative finally

finally remember to always sharpen the saw

remember to always sharpen the saw to renew yourself in a very balanced way

to renew yourself in a very balanced way the power of these habits is in the

the power of these habits is in the doing

doing in the living

in the living in the continuous day-by-day

in the continuous day-by-day improvements

improvements it's a constant effort

it's a constant effort we need to make these habits and these

we need to make these habits and these principles a part of our very life

principles a part of our very life we must pay the price by actually living

we must pay the price by actually living them

them rather than just understanding them

rather than just understanding them intellectually

intellectually i love the quote from t.s eliot

i love the quote from t.s eliot think about this

think about this he once said

he once said we must never cease

we must never cease from exploring

from exploring and the end of our exploring

and the end of our exploring will be to arrive where we began

will be to arrive where we began and know the place for the first time

and know the place for the first time you see

you see in a very real sense

in a very real sense you already know these habits in your

you already know these habits in your heart

the exciting thing is to embark on a lifelong adventure an exciting time

lifelong adventure an exciting time of literally internalizing them and

of literally internalizing them and living them and experiencing the

living them and experiencing the magnificent fruits that come in the

magnificent fruits that come in the totality of our lives

totality of our lives i hope you've enjoyed watching and

i hope you've enjoyed watching and learning more about foundational

learning more about foundational principles of the seven habits

principles of the seven habits i recommend that you go back and watch

i recommend that you go back and watch this video several more times because

this video several more times because real learning

real learning is spaced repetition

is spaced repetition i highly recommend that you teach this

i highly recommend that you teach this material to your work associates

material to your work associates and to your loved ones so that you will

and to your loved ones so that you will better live these principles

better live these principles this is what i call the inside out

this is what i call the inside out approach

approach so if you want to have a happy marriage

so if you want to have a happy marriage be the kind of person who generates

be the kind of person who generates positive energy and sidesteps negative

positive energy and sidesteps negative energy

energy rather than empowering it

rather than empowering it in short be a light not a judge a model

in short be a light not a judge a model not a critic

not a critic if you want to have a more pleasant

if you want to have a more pleasant cooperative teenager

cooperative teenager be a more understanding empathic

be a more understanding empathic consistent loving parent

consistent loving parent if you want to have more freedom more

if you want to have more freedom more latitude in your job

latitude in your job be more responsible

be more responsible be more helpful a more contributing

be more helpful a more contributing employee

employee if you want to be trusted

if you want to be trusted be trustworthy

be trustworthy if you want the secondary greatness of

if you want the secondary greatness of recognized talent

recognized talent focus first on the primary greatness of

focus first on the primary greatness of character

character hence character and principles are the

hence character and principles are the keys to success

keys to success effectiveness and happiness in life

effectiveness and happiness in life principles are the guidelines for human

principles are the guidelines for human conduct

conduct that are proven to have enduring

that are proven to have enduring permanent value

permanent value one way to quickly grasp the

one way to quickly grasp the self-evident nature of principles is to

self-evident nature of principles is to simply consider the absurdity

simply consider the absurdity of attempting to live an effective life

of attempting to live an effective life based on their opposites i mean i doubt

based on their opposites i mean i doubt that anyone would seriously consider

that anyone would seriously consider unfairness deceit

unfairness deceit basedness uselessness mediocrity or

basedness uselessness mediocrity or degeneration to be a solid foundation

degeneration to be a solid foundation for lasting happiness and success

for lasting happiness and success being effective is learning to do

being effective is learning to do that which produces the desired result

that which produces the desired result if you want to be extremely successful

if you want to be extremely successful in business

in business we're very happy in life or to achieve

we're very happy in life or to achieve some large goal

some large goal then being effective

then being effective is consistently doing the things that

is consistently doing the things that will bring about the results you are

will bring about the results you are after

after in conclusion

in conclusion if you'd like to learn more about the

if you'd like to learn more about the seven habits

seven habits may i invite you to visit me at my

may i invite you to visit me at my website

website stephencovey.com

stephencovey.com or our company

or our company franklincovey.com

franklincovey.com i wish each of you all the best

i wish each of you all the best on your journey

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YouTube Transcript:The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People - Stephen R. Covey

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The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People - Stephen R. Covey