YouTube Transcript: Goodbye 2019 // SIDE HUSSELEN no. 12
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let's work our way up shall we
this footage was taken on what was
probably my angriest day of 2019 this is
going to sound stupid and very well poor
little rich girl of me but here we go
anyway I had blood all of my little
frustrations about my old day job bottle
up for months planned too much to do for
YouTube on my unpredictable schedule was
already way behind on my projects and
then on a day when I'd planned to film
all day and make up for lost time I
ended up having my plans derailed
because of my day job again getting
asked to work remotely on things I had
already explained I would not do but I
caved and did anyway despite having to
cancel my shoot because I felt bad
saying no which was the real reason I
was angry
not because my silly little day job had
interrupted my silly little hashtag
youtuber schedule but because I have
done a lot of things because I felt bad
saying no the only person I seemed to
not mind saying no to it all is myself I
spent a lot of 20:19 waiting around for
my day job to settle into routine again
and stop screwing up my other schedule
entirely far too long I should have left
much earlier because while the hours
themselves were not a huge problem the
unpredictable and spontaneous nature of
it all was it meant I could never
schedule out the rest of my work and
that was an issue that kept me rather
stressed and made me miss deadlines and
made me resent a job I used to like and
mostly it just made me angry with myself
for not valuing my own time enough to
just say no I have work to do because
creative work isn't real work it feels
easily dismissable by people I've worked
for by myself but I have worked for
three different small businesses since
graduating college and I've often put in
a lot of effort some surprise 10-hour
days cancelling and rearranging my own
projects as needed working late for
someone else's dream when I didn't
really have to but I felt like I was
supposed to
I have spent a lot of time working
towards other people's ideas my problem
is never a shortage of wild ideas I have
plenty of those of my own my problem is
time because I need more of it than
there is and yet I've still wasted a
decade of it somehow I've been trying to
ignore this whole end-of-the-decade
phenomenon thing going on right now
because 2019 marks the end of a lost
decade for me ten years ago I graduated
high school and now 10 years later I
live in the same house in the same
neighborhood with the same bank balance
with a whole lot of student loan debt
and a different but equally unrealistic
and selfish dream what are you going to
do with your one wild and precious life
as Mary Oliver I'm an incredibly lucky
person I have a family that supports me
and can and I have benefited from a lot
of privilege in my life still do and
will and because I want even more
because I want the impossible dream
I feel quite guilty always with these
advantages and all of this yes time why
have I got absolutely nothing to show
for it if I fail it will be despite all
of my advantages and if I ever succeed
it will only be because of them so what
am i doing what the hell am I supposed
to be doing I have the rare and
remarkable chance to keep pursuing my
dreams instead of doing what I'm
supposed to whatever that is but
ruminating on that often leaves me
hanging in between between my guilts
telling me to go work for the man and
give up out of pursuit of some pride and
giving myself permission to fully give
in to my one-in-a-million chance to do
what I love and nothing else so a decade
later I remain a burden [Music]
[Music]
and I write when I can when I allow
myself there are many things I do not
allow myself I am not worthy yet I have
not earned it
the rest literally and figuratively and
I feel like a total greedy bastard
sometimes and I get angry for not giving
myself over to what society says I'm
supposed to do and I get angry with
myself for not giving over my but my
ideas tell me to do and I get angry with
myself for still being so stuffed
between my heart and my head when I know
only choosing it properly cleared
pathway forward will let me get moving
and that was why I was angry this day
and instead of pushing away all I felt
bubbling up instead of curling my hair
and trying to make something of a bad
day instead of leaning into the voice in
my head that says either you are
productive every day or you are
worthless I ran away into the mountains
rather strange I'm not really a nature
person or a runaway person or a let
myself feel what I feel when I'm feeling
it person but I needed a reset a tantrum
almost and a day doing something I
wouldn't really do seemed as good a
solution as any other so I drove for a
good while and then stopped to walk
around this little reservoir and I took
some pictures of the ice on the surface
of the water and I bought myself a fancy
coffee at a small local shop and walked
around alone around the tiny very old
mountain town and said to myself you
don't need to prove you're worthy of
it's still not something I really
believe but I want to sometimes I wonder
what anxiety feels like sometimes I even
wonder if this is what anxiety feels
like in my 20 19 goals video I mentioned
wanting to look into therapy clearly I
didn't make that a priority like I could
[Music]
I could have just started here and
pretended that bad day those bad nights
didn't happen but I haven't I may end up
regretting that but this is my diary and
I guess I'll do what I want
what were my goals for 2019
well my goals for my blog the closing
historian blog that is how this all
started for those of you who don't know
my goal was to keep using it which sorta
I only posted about 45 times this year
and most of those we're sharing videos
over there from over here but I'll say
that was about what I expected and
planned so I guess I hit this goal okay
good this one I guess is fine then then
I had some goals about releasing sewing
patterns which wow that was bit
pie-in-the-sky my goal was to launch
patterns and obviously that did not
happen I do feel like I have done a much
better job of sharing pattern drafting
stuff here on the channel though so
that's something at least but this is a
goal that I did not even make time for
in the least so you know well that'll be
a trend YouTube my goal was to get to
50,000 subscribers which as of today the
channel is about 23,000 so thank you to
all of you who subscribed this year it's
always strange to make number goals
especially when you know it treats
people as a number which isn't cool to
do in any case ever anyway so but you
know I wanted my goal was less about
having tons of subscribers which is not
something I really care about when I
think about you know people following
what I do I'm not really you know I
don't wish for Fame I suppose which is
not a thing for youtuber to say I guess
but I would like a channel large enough
to sustain me like financially is what I
really want there and to me 50,000
sounded like a good goal in that
direction but no we're getting there a
little bit it's just you know
my goal was to turn on monetization
which I did so hurray for being able to
pay my bills at least a little bit less
of a burden not completely useless it is
good you know I had a goal to make two
videos a week which didn't always work
out for me but I did make 77 videos this
year so that's good I guess
that's a number I like I suppose now
that I look back on it that does seem
like a lot for a year I'm not saying all
those videos were good let's be real but
you know and then we have fiction
writing my goal was to get a literary
agent and nope it ended up that I didn't
even try I submitted a total of zero
query letters in 2019 so yeah this was
supposed to be my biggest focus and it
ended up being the thing I ignore the
most and of course the thing that I feel
worst about I because in this case I
didn't even try and of course you have
no hope of succeeding if you don't even
put yourself out there I think one of my
biggest failures of 2019 was staying
choosing comfort always and constancy
over the unknown and over growth almost
you know I chose comfort and in some
ways that I may go into in a second year
I needed to because there were other
things in my life that were
uncomfortable and something had to stay
constant and if that could be my you
know day off routine then maybe that's
what it needed to be I feel like my
goals last year were in the context
clues around these numbers and
suggestions I had laid out my goal was
to get a lot closer to financial
independence and I'm not a lot closer
but I am a little closer and my biggest
area of opportunity as ever is patience [Music]
[Music]
like I said we're start you know on the
bottom and kind of work our way up in
this video as far as I don't know mood
and lack of general cheer so we kind of
started with me whining but you know
this is my diary part of this whole
thing the the vlog part of the video
blog channel sort of I don't do a lot of
vlogging as we know it's mostly reserved
to these side hustling videos and a lot
of times I feel free to say almost
whatever I want here because they don't
get many views so those of you who have
watched especially to this point in this
video you are a rare breed and I
appreciate you extra for sticking
through these rambling vlog entries as
opposed to you know my much more usual
style of video but these making these
this series helps me context conception
today contextualize Wow
helps me contextualize my own
experiences in some ways helps me
catalog what I'm doing helps me to look
over what I haven't have not
accomplished and that is what I'm going
to finish with today in this video today
the things that I accomplished in 2019
as opposed to what I perceive as my
shortcomings from the past year so I
want to end on a higher note so I want
to talk about the things that I did in
2019 that I am proud of or that made me
happy what a wild idea I know so I do
have notes here and I will be you know
referencing those but let's see here
biggest accomplishments is the title of
the list here the first one is being I
wrote a book I mentioned this in my side
hustling video from August I wrote the
sequel to the other book I've written
basically which is kind of a spoiler
alert situation but when and if I ever
get a book published you won't know
which one of the ones I have written II
I will have written by that time it is
so to be fair it's not that much of a
spoiler to say that I have written a
sequel and that's what I did this year
and like I said in that video it is even
longer than the first book in that series
series
which Yanks I I really I'm sure when I
go back to it I've actually been doing
pretty well at keeping away from that
drafts and not going in there and
editing it I'm trying to let it sit like
I've said so that I can come back to
with fresher eyes but it's hard to be
away from my book children um my books
are everything to me and they are what
bring me the greatest happiness and joy
is being in the thick of it writing so
it's hard when I'm not doing that
because I'm like I forget what it's like
to have that hi which I don't and have
not ever really been a drug person but I
assume it must feel sort of that great
and why would I be when I can just sit
and write and it's much more exciting
evening for me but I digress so
definitely writing that book was the
highlight of my 20 19 the best days I
had were working on that the best
moments I had working on that book they
brought me the greatest joy out of
anything of my year which you know I
love people I'm sure have people who
bring them joy I have fictional people
who bring me joy which you know I should
probably work on that balance a little
bit but we'll get into that in the goals
video won't we something else I feel
like was an accomplishment this year is
I think I really did step up my videos
here on the channel
not necessarily these sinus alone ones
because they're just kind of the same
rambles as usual but I think my other
videos I try to really step up the
quality of my look books of what I can
do basically from home in some ways
because it's easy to easier to shoot
look books outside when it's nice other
than the fact that you have to like rope
someone else and usually I haven't
figured out how to shoot a lookbook
remotely out in the out in the wild with
just the camera and not a friend helping
me or something but or a mom usually so
I needed something I need a solution for
when the outside cuz for a lot of the
year here in Colorado outside is kind of
like dead plants and dirty snow and
that's just not attractive so I needed a
solution of where I could film by myself
just with me and my tripod any day I
wanted to no matter the weather and so
my set that I built this year has been
the solution for that and I'm really
proud that I pushed through and got that
done and spent the money on that really
invested in that and in the time to make
it because it's been so much more useful
as much as I've stressed myself out by
trying to make tons of look books this
past fall it was amazing that I could
just do it any day I needed to get it
done I could because my set was just
there waiting for me so that was cool
and I am proud of a lot of the videos I
made this year probably mostly of I
really like the Haunted Mansion inspired
like spooky wanna put up on Halloween
I always put things up on like these
epic date like dates like I put
something up on Halloween and I put
something up on New Year's and I think
oh that'll do what why people are not on
the internet on those days I'm so silly
like it seems like a good idea to post
them on holidays or post them on the day
that they correspond to but like people
are busy on those days silly me but you
know I really like that feel that I did
on Halloween and I like my Star Wars
lookbook video of course most of you
disgust because I put so much work into
that that if I didn't like it god that
would really really be a bummer so those
probably the videos I'm most proud of
from this year and I'm glad that some of
the sewing videos really took off or the
sewing like diary patterning videos did
really well and that has been really
encouraging because it shows me that
there is a desire for that sort of
content and hopefully you know as I make
more videos like that I will get better
at them I've had some people like
comment on those videos as if it's like
you know scripted and a production team
or almost like behind and it's like it's
just me so like yeah I'm gonna be
repetitive and it's sort of stream of
consciousness as I go through those
videos but that's just cuz it's just me
filming on my phone in the sewing room
it's not like I script my sewing videos
in any way or this video in any quelle
nice crib with some parts in this video
obviously at the beginning I scripted of
this video but here at the end I'm just
rambling to you as usual you're welcome
something else I'm excited to have done
in 2019 was reopening my Etsy shop I was
like much more stressed about this
beforehand and then when I did kind of
restock the shop and sort of relaunch it
a little bit with that first round of
thrifted fines I was really pleasantly
surprised at how the response to it in general
general
and how all so much fun I had doing all
that it is a lot of work both you know
going out and thrifting and you're tired
at the end of the day if you're doing
like outsourcing clothes all day or
items it's tiring but super fulfilling
the the shopping itself is really fun
like finding gems out in the wild is
super fun it always has been that's why
I knew I would you know not mine picking
up extra things to pass on to people who
have less fruitful thrift stores as I
always say but the like laundering
photographing listing process isn't the
most fun thing but like it's super
gratifying when people leave reviews and
say like everything fit and they really
like the item that's really really quite
like encouraging and cool and something
I wasn't expecting so I think I will be
leaning into working on the a3 shop a
little bit more in this next year
because I thought it was gonna be very
much like a very side-side-side hustle a
thing that I really you know didn't set
aside extra time for that was just going
to try and tack on but it turned out
that it requires a lot of time so if I
want to do it I am gonna have to carve
time aside for it and I do want to do it
so that was what I learned from that
experience and I'm happy to have reopen
the shop and I am excited because I have
a bunch of stock that I just got
recently to go through it all wash
everything photograph everything and get
that up soon for those of you who want
to shop my finds or kind of like shop my
tastes of stuff I'm really I do try and
be quite picky when I'm out buying
things through the store because I don't
want to buy anything for the shop that I
wouldn't wear myself I find things that
aren't my size so I can't wear them but
like I if it was my size would I buy
this and wear it myself and if the
answer is no then I leave it behind so I
have left a couple things behind because
maybe they were great but there was like
a little bit of a condition issue or
things like that but I think that's
what's allowing me to feel good about
the shop still is that it really is just
more thing Mark Moore finds that I would
totally have in my own closet that I'm
just making available to other people to
put in there so I suppose something else
I almost consider an accomplishment this
year was I left my day job finally I've
had like as I said on videos in this
series before I've had many different
jobs since graduating college several
years ago now some of them full-time I
had like a full time managerial position at
at
point and then I've had like part-time
jobs I've had retail jobs I interned at
the Denver Art Museum for a little while
which was fun
I've been lots of different things since
I graduated college none of them have
allowed me to move out of here which it
is a nice room we can all agree but um I
would like to have my own place of
course and my own life but leaving this
day job felt a little different because
I was leaving it with the idea that
YouTube was now my day job my part-time
job as it is I've spent oh there's often
weeks where I spend full-time time on
YouTube videos definitely a lot of the
time as we can see in my last video I
spend a lot of time on that Star Wars
set for example for one you know ten
minute video I spent a couple of weeks
on it getting everything together and
putting everything together at the end
but it's gonna be so much easier now not
having to schedule all my creative work
for YouTube writing blogging whatever I
need to get done around going to a
part-time job and I'm super super lucky
to be in this position where I don't
have to have a day job anymore that
YouTube can be my day job for now
because I do have such like low bills
because I live at home my you know bills
are nowhere near where a normal adult
humans are and like of course now the
quest is to build from this sort of
part-time income I make online into an
actual income I can then live off of and
can do the whole moving out having my
own place having my own everything
situation I think Western culture and
like American culture specifically at
least it seems to me very much places a
large value on you know pulling yourself
up by your own bootstraps and paying
your own way and making your own way and
everything being very individual and not
relying on anybody else and so of course
part of me a lot of me that's what I I
want I want to be completely independent
especially financially but it's just
gonna clearly take a lot longer than I
ever thought it would but I have to
learn to be okay with that because my
family are which is extremely kind of
them and again I feel guilty all the
time for this so I should learn
to be okay with it - because stressing
about it doesn't help me get anything
done as I've said here on the channel
before as well but anyway no more day
job YouTube is the day job more news on
this front soon and then another more
personal sort of thing that I
accomplished in 2019 it doesn't really
feel like an accomplishment but it kind
of does so here it is is that I sort of
wreak a mout to my parents for those of
you who don't know I identify as asexual
and queer I have a video about that here
on the channel it's a little outdated
now which I would like to talk to about
this in a video in general I would like
to talk about questioning your sexuality
as an adult in a video in general
because I think in a lot of ways you
people don't give themselves permission
to which leads to a lot of like stress I
know I you know never I don't give
myself permission for a lot of things
but to look inward sometimes it's like
you don't have time to figure your
out so just let's just ignore it and put
everything in the back of your mind
stuff I mean mmm I'll replace that with
stuff I don't want to curse on my
channel this is not a family-friendly
channel though because God knows we
can't deal with that mess anymore but
yeah I kind of had to or I felt I had to
reaffirm my queerness to my family I
felt like as much as my asexuality was
understood it was understood to be like
the end all and be all which I think at
one point I thought too
but I am more interested in possibly
dating and finding a companion than I
ever have been or ever realized I have
been in my life and it's been an
interesting discovery but I just felt I
needed to reaffirm everything about who
I was so that I could be more free and
open to be Who I am around the people
who love me and I loved most so I didn't
happen the way I wanted it to really
come it came out and a messy time anyway
um but it was just one of those things
where I was like God we need to put
everything on the frigging table so let
me just come out with this as well why
not we're piling it on we were having a
week where we are calling
on here and I was like also this because
you know we're just gonna get it all out
and it is a relief for me to have it out
because now it is no longer sort of my
stress my problem I don't have to think
about it in the same way anymore
I don't have to worry about it but I
mean even if you have the chillest
family in the world and you live in like
you know a liberal area and you you
don't feel unsafe ever or anything like
that work for me I mean I don't really
like I don't think people code me as
queer when I go anywhere because I'm so
femme and I don't also go anywhere she
says in her pajamas um so I you know you
would think you don't have to worry
about being out and being who you are
but it still is extremely nerve-wracking
to say those things I don't know you
mean you you don't want whatever
internalized homophobia reason you just
don't want to say to your parents like
hey by the way I'm gonna date girls
maybe it's like you're nearly 30
Esposito get it together um so again I
will probably talk about this more in
another video here on the channel
eventually I would like to start making
kind of more personal videos it's just I
don't I feel like it's so much easier to
make content where I am being more
instructional or you know talk about
sewing talking about spin to style
things I know a lot about and that are
much more educational almost videos not
that I'm an expert but it's obviously
easier to do educational or even like
halls and style content than it is to
talk about more personal stuff but I
think you know I love YouTube channels
where people talk about their opinions
their life experience their you know not
necessarily advice but like their
experiences because it helps me as a
viewer feel less alone and helps me feel
a kinship with them even though I may
never meet them and if I could be in any
way a friend a digital friend to anyone
else out there through my videos I think
I would like to be um whenever people
ask like why did you make this
asexuality video people comment
sometimes on that video and say like
this has nothing to do with rest your
content and I have just as many comments
as say that but for every one of those I
have two that say like thank you for
making this video representation is
really important and it's nice to see
someone else
talk about this so I do think it is
important to talk about different life
experiences sometimes and be the voice
when sometimes there aren't many voices
out there anyway that got really serious
and like I said earlier in this video I
think when I biggest failings to 2019
was staying comfortable and you know
that's what I was saying like sometimes
I think I needed a comfortable constant
when I had like some other drama going
on or was stressed about other things it
was nice to have kind of like okay well
at least I'm not getting you know at
least I'm not worried about my family
rejecting me for being queer and
worrying about getting like three actual
rejection letters in my email inbox
because like sometimes you can only deal
with so much rejection at once and I was
worried about different types of
rejection this year and I just could
only handle a little bit of a time so I
didn't you know have rejection letters
coming in for queries because I was
worried about a different kind of
rejection basically and I think
subconsciously I was like I need to just
be comfortable or more comfortable this
year then I thought I was going to but
of course now I have the problem of
needing to query again and so that is
something I will be working on here in
2020 and I'll talk about that and I have
separate goals video coming up later
this week so I'll talk about that then
and so I do want to push myself to be
more vulnerable and more uncomfortable
and more spontaneous in 2020 it's done
I'm really not a spontaneous person at
all people who know I could have ever
tried to make friends in my life who
have ever tried to make make plans with
me but it's like they're like on Monday
they'll say if you want to hang out on
Thursday I'm like whoa whoa whoa
that is way too soon and they're like
it's literally days away but no no I
can't that'll even that has to be
spontaneous for me so I'm gonna work on
that hopefully a little bit because I
think I need to like you do they say you
only grow when you're pushed out of your
comfort zone and so I need to get out of
my zone a little bit including when it
comes to things like making new friends
hopefully and possibly even dating Oh God
God
so we'll see I just know that like and
I'll be talking about this in my next
video like Jo March I love writing but sometimes
sometimes
get lonely so I'm gonna try and work on
that and yes I have been to see little
women twice already it's actually
January 9th as I am filming this
sit-down portion of this video and
actually a lot of this video I recorded
the voiceovers for the rest of this
today everything recorded today footage
in the beginning however um a different
day back in November where I was not
feeling so great um but I've already
been to the movie theater twice in 2020
they're only not even 10 days in and I
saw a little woman twice and I have no
regrets I would go again although you
know I know now to wear no makeup and
bring lots of tissues because that's a
movie about being in love with writing
and like fighting through the creative
process and so no wonder I'm I feel like
I can relate a little but anyway I am
rambling again thank you as always for
tuning in to this video here thank you
for tuning into side hustling it means a
lot to me that anyone listens to my
diary entries I'm glad it's not a ton of
people though if I'll follow my
subscribers watch these videos I might
have to be a little bit more careful and
less open but I think there is some
value in recording a journal entry for
future me hopefully and I'll see you all
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