0:25 let's work our way up shall we
0:27 this footage was taken on what was
0:32 probably my angriest day of 2019 this is
0:36 going to sound stupid and very well poor
0:39 little rich girl of me but here we go
0:42 anyway I had blood all of my little
0:44 frustrations about my old day job bottle
0:46 up for months planned too much to do for
0:48 YouTube on my unpredictable schedule was
0:50 already way behind on my projects and
0:51 then on a day when I'd planned to film
0:53 all day and make up for lost time I
0:55 ended up having my plans derailed
0:57 because of my day job again getting
0:59 asked to work remotely on things I had
1:02 already explained I would not do but I
1:04 caved and did anyway despite having to
1:06 cancel my shoot because I felt bad
1:10 saying no which was the real reason I
1:11 was angry
1:13 not because my silly little day job had
1:15 interrupted my silly little hashtag
1:18 youtuber schedule but because I have
1:20 done a lot of things because I felt bad
1:24 saying no the only person I seemed to
1:29 not mind saying no to it all is myself I
1:32 spent a lot of 20:19 waiting around for
1:33 my day job to settle into routine again
1:35 and stop screwing up my other schedule
1:39 entirely far too long I should have left
1:40 much earlier because while the hours
1:42 themselves were not a huge problem the
1:44 unpredictable and spontaneous nature of
1:47 it all was it meant I could never
1:49 schedule out the rest of my work and
1:50 that was an issue that kept me rather
1:52 stressed and made me miss deadlines and
1:55 made me resent a job I used to like and
1:56 mostly it just made me angry with myself
1:59 for not valuing my own time enough to
2:04 just say no I have work to do because
2:08 creative work isn't real work it feels
2:10 easily dismissable by people I've worked
2:14 for by myself but I have worked for
2:15 three different small businesses since
2:17 graduating college and I've often put in
2:19 a lot of effort some surprise 10-hour
2:21 days cancelling and rearranging my own
2:23 projects as needed working late for
2:27 someone else's dream when I didn't
2:29 really have to but I felt like I was
2:31 supposed to
2:33 I have spent a lot of time working
2:38 towards other people's ideas my problem
2:40 is never a shortage of wild ideas I have
2:45 plenty of those of my own my problem is
2:47 time because I need more of it than
2:49 there is and yet I've still wasted a
2:52 decade of it somehow I've been trying to
2:53 ignore this whole end-of-the-decade
2:55 phenomenon thing going on right now
2:58 because 2019 marks the end of a lost
3:00 decade for me ten years ago I graduated
3:03 high school and now 10 years later I
3:06 live in the same house in the same
3:08 neighborhood with the same bank balance
3:10 with a whole lot of student loan debt
3:12 and a different but equally unrealistic
3:18 and selfish dream what are you going to
3:23 do with your one wild and precious life
3:28 as Mary Oliver I'm an incredibly lucky
3:31 person I have a family that supports me
3:34 and can and I have benefited from a lot
3:36 of privilege in my life still do and
3:38 will and because I want even more
3:40 because I want the impossible dream
3:44 I feel quite guilty always with these
3:48 advantages and all of this yes time why
3:49 have I got absolutely nothing to show
3:53 for it if I fail it will be despite all
3:55 of my advantages and if I ever succeed
3:59 it will only be because of them so what
4:03 am i doing what the hell am I supposed
4:06 to be doing I have the rare and
4:08 remarkable chance to keep pursuing my
4:10 dreams instead of doing what I'm
4:13 supposed to whatever that is but
4:14 ruminating on that often leaves me
4:17 hanging in between between my guilts
4:19 telling me to go work for the man and
4:22 give up out of pursuit of some pride and
4:24 giving myself permission to fully give
4:26 in to my one-in-a-million chance to do
4:31 what I love and nothing else so a decade
4:32 later I remain a burden [Music]
4:34 [Music]
4:37 and I write when I can when I allow
4:41 myself there are many things I do not
4:46 allow myself I am not worthy yet I have
4:46 not earned it
4:50 the rest literally and figuratively and
4:53 I feel like a total greedy bastard
4:55 sometimes and I get angry for not giving
4:57 myself over to what society says I'm
4:59 supposed to do and I get angry with
5:00 myself for not giving over my but my
5:02 ideas tell me to do and I get angry with
5:04 myself for still being so stuffed
5:05 between my heart and my head when I know
5:07 only choosing it properly cleared
5:09 pathway forward will let me get moving
5:13 and that was why I was angry this day
5:16 and instead of pushing away all I felt
5:18 bubbling up instead of curling my hair
5:20 and trying to make something of a bad
5:22 day instead of leaning into the voice in
5:24 my head that says either you are
5:26 productive every day or you are
5:32 worthless I ran away into the mountains
5:35 rather strange I'm not really a nature
5:38 person or a runaway person or a let
5:40 myself feel what I feel when I'm feeling
5:45 it person but I needed a reset a tantrum
5:48 almost and a day doing something I
5:50 wouldn't really do seemed as good a
5:53 solution as any other so I drove for a
5:54 good while and then stopped to walk
5:57 around this little reservoir and I took
5:58 some pictures of the ice on the surface
6:01 of the water and I bought myself a fancy
6:02 coffee at a small local shop and walked
6:04 around alone around the tiny very old
6:08 mountain town and said to myself you
6:10 don't need to prove you're worthy of
6:22 it's still not something I really
6:29 believe but I want to sometimes I wonder
6:33 what anxiety feels like sometimes I even
6:36 wonder if this is what anxiety feels
6:40 like in my 20 19 goals video I mentioned
6:43 wanting to look into therapy clearly I
6:45 didn't make that a priority like I could
7:41 [Music]
7:45 I could have just started here and
7:48 pretended that bad day those bad nights
7:51 didn't happen but I haven't I may end up
7:53 regretting that but this is my diary and
7:55 I guess I'll do what I want
7:59 what were my goals for 2019
8:03 well my goals for my blog the closing
8:04 historian blog that is how this all
8:06 started for those of you who don't know
8:10 my goal was to keep using it which sorta
8:13 I only posted about 45 times this year
8:15 and most of those we're sharing videos
8:18 over there from over here but I'll say
8:20 that was about what I expected and
8:22 planned so I guess I hit this goal okay
8:25 good this one I guess is fine then then
8:28 I had some goals about releasing sewing
8:31 patterns which wow that was bit
8:33 pie-in-the-sky my goal was to launch
8:36 patterns and obviously that did not
8:38 happen I do feel like I have done a much
8:40 better job of sharing pattern drafting
8:42 stuff here on the channel though so
8:45 that's something at least but this is a
8:47 goal that I did not even make time for
8:50 in the least so you know well that'll be
8:53 a trend YouTube my goal was to get to
8:56 50,000 subscribers which as of today the
8:59 channel is about 23,000 so thank you to
9:01 all of you who subscribed this year it's
9:02 always strange to make number goals
9:04 especially when you know it treats
9:07 people as a number which isn't cool to
9:11 do in any case ever anyway so but you
9:14 know I wanted my goal was less about
9:16 having tons of subscribers which is not
9:20 something I really care about when I
9:22 think about you know people following
9:24 what I do I'm not really you know I
9:27 don't wish for Fame I suppose which is
9:28 not a thing for youtuber to say I guess
9:32 but I would like a channel large enough
9:35 to sustain me like financially is what I
9:37 really want there and to me 50,000
9:38 sounded like a good goal in that
9:41 direction but no we're getting there a
9:45 little bit it's just you know
9:46 my goal was to turn on monetization
9:49 which I did so hurray for being able to
9:51 pay my bills at least a little bit less
9:54 of a burden not completely useless it is
9:58 good you know I had a goal to make two
10:00 videos a week which didn't always work
10:03 out for me but I did make 77 videos this
10:06 year so that's good I guess
10:09 that's a number I like I suppose now
10:11 that I look back on it that does seem
10:15 like a lot for a year I'm not saying all
10:18 those videos were good let's be real but
10:20 you know and then we have fiction
10:23 writing my goal was to get a literary
10:26 agent and nope it ended up that I didn't
10:30 even try I submitted a total of zero
10:34 query letters in 2019 so yeah this was
10:36 supposed to be my biggest focus and it
10:38 ended up being the thing I ignore the
10:41 most and of course the thing that I feel
10:44 worst about I because in this case I
10:47 didn't even try and of course you have
10:49 no hope of succeeding if you don't even
10:51 put yourself out there I think one of my
10:55 biggest failures of 2019 was staying
10:58 choosing comfort always and constancy
11:02 over the unknown and over growth almost
11:09 you know I chose comfort and in some
11:11 ways that I may go into in a second year
11:14 I needed to because there were other
11:15 things in my life that were
11:16 uncomfortable and something had to stay
11:19 constant and if that could be my you
11:23 know day off routine then maybe that's
11:26 what it needed to be I feel like my
11:28 goals last year were in the context
11:31 clues around these numbers and
11:35 suggestions I had laid out my goal was
11:39 to get a lot closer to financial
11:43 independence and I'm not a lot closer
11:49 but I am a little closer and my biggest
11:56 area of opportunity as ever is patience [Music]
12:12 [Music]
12:16 like I said we're start you know on the
12:18 bottom and kind of work our way up in
12:22 this video as far as I don't know mood
12:25 and lack of general cheer so we kind of
12:29 started with me whining but you know
12:32 this is my diary part of this whole
12:35 thing the the vlog part of the video
12:39 blog channel sort of I don't do a lot of
12:41 vlogging as we know it's mostly reserved
12:43 to these side hustling videos and a lot
12:46 of times I feel free to say almost
12:48 whatever I want here because they don't
12:49 get many views so those of you who have
12:51 watched especially to this point in this
12:55 video you are a rare breed and I
12:57 appreciate you extra for sticking
13:01 through these rambling vlog entries as
13:03 opposed to you know my much more usual
13:06 style of video but these making these
13:08 this series helps me context conception
13:11 today contextualize Wow
13:14 helps me contextualize my own
13:16 experiences in some ways helps me
13:20 catalog what I'm doing helps me to look
13:22 over what I haven't have not
13:24 accomplished and that is what I'm going
13:25 to finish with today in this video today
13:28 the things that I accomplished in 2019
13:30 as opposed to what I perceive as my
13:32 shortcomings from the past year so I
13:34 want to end on a higher note so I want
13:37 to talk about the things that I did in
13:40 2019 that I am proud of or that made me
13:44 happy what a wild idea I know so I do
13:46 have notes here and I will be you know
13:49 referencing those but let's see here
13:52 biggest accomplishments is the title of
13:54 the list here the first one is being I
13:57 wrote a book I mentioned this in my side
14:00 hustling video from August I wrote the
14:02 sequel to the other book I've written
14:04 basically which is kind of a spoiler
14:06 alert situation but when and if I ever
14:08 get a book published you won't know
14:10 which one of the ones I have written II
14:12 I will have written by that time it is
14:15 so to be fair it's not that much of a
14:16 spoiler to say that I have written a
14:18 sequel and that's what I did this year
14:21 and like I said in that video it is even
14:22 longer than the first book in that series
14:23 series
14:26 which Yanks I I really I'm sure when I
14:28 go back to it I've actually been doing
14:31 pretty well at keeping away from that
14:33 drafts and not going in there and
14:35 editing it I'm trying to let it sit like
14:37 I've said so that I can come back to
14:40 with fresher eyes but it's hard to be
14:43 away from my book children um my books
14:46 are everything to me and they are what
14:48 bring me the greatest happiness and joy
14:50 is being in the thick of it writing so
14:52 it's hard when I'm not doing that
14:55 because I'm like I forget what it's like
14:59 to have that hi which I don't and have
15:03 not ever really been a drug person but I
15:06 assume it must feel sort of that great
15:08 and why would I be when I can just sit
15:10 and write and it's much more exciting
15:13 evening for me but I digress so
15:14 definitely writing that book was the
15:17 highlight of my 20 19 the best days I
15:19 had were working on that the best
15:22 moments I had working on that book they
15:24 brought me the greatest joy out of
15:27 anything of my year which you know I
15:29 love people I'm sure have people who
15:32 bring them joy I have fictional people
15:35 who bring me joy which you know I should
15:37 probably work on that balance a little
15:39 bit but we'll get into that in the goals
15:40 video won't we something else I feel
15:42 like was an accomplishment this year is
15:44 I think I really did step up my videos
15:45 here on the channel
15:47 not necessarily these sinus alone ones
15:48 because they're just kind of the same
15:50 rambles as usual but I think my other
15:52 videos I try to really step up the
15:54 quality of my look books of what I can
15:56 do basically from home in some ways
15:59 because it's easy to easier to shoot
16:02 look books outside when it's nice other
16:03 than the fact that you have to like rope
16:04 someone else and usually I haven't
16:05 figured out how to shoot a lookbook
16:08 remotely out in the out in the wild with
16:10 just the camera and not a friend helping
16:14 me or something but or a mom usually so
16:15 I needed something I need a solution for
16:18 when the outside cuz for a lot of the
16:20 year here in Colorado outside is kind of
16:21 like dead plants and dirty snow and
16:23 that's just not attractive so I needed a
16:27 solution of where I could film by myself
16:29 just with me and my tripod any day I
16:31 wanted to no matter the weather and so
16:34 my set that I built this year has been
16:36 the solution for that and I'm really
16:38 proud that I pushed through and got that
16:40 done and spent the money on that really
16:43 invested in that and in the time to make
16:45 it because it's been so much more useful
16:47 as much as I've stressed myself out by
16:48 trying to make tons of look books this
16:50 past fall it was amazing that I could
16:53 just do it any day I needed to get it
16:54 done I could because my set was just
16:56 there waiting for me so that was cool
16:58 and I am proud of a lot of the videos I
17:01 made this year probably mostly of I
17:04 really like the Haunted Mansion inspired
17:06 like spooky wanna put up on Halloween
17:09 I always put things up on like these
17:11 epic date like dates like I put
17:12 something up on Halloween and I put
17:14 something up on New Year's and I think
17:16 oh that'll do what why people are not on
17:18 the internet on those days I'm so silly
17:21 like it seems like a good idea to post
17:22 them on holidays or post them on the day
17:26 that they correspond to but like people
17:28 are busy on those days silly me but you
17:30 know I really like that feel that I did
17:31 on Halloween and I like my Star Wars
17:33 lookbook video of course most of you
17:36 disgust because I put so much work into
17:38 that that if I didn't like it god that
17:41 would really really be a bummer so those
17:42 probably the videos I'm most proud of
17:45 from this year and I'm glad that some of
17:47 the sewing videos really took off or the
17:49 sewing like diary patterning videos did
17:50 really well and that has been really
17:52 encouraging because it shows me that
17:53 there is a desire for that sort of
17:55 content and hopefully you know as I make
17:56 more videos like that I will get better
17:59 at them I've had some people like
18:02 comment on those videos as if it's like
18:04 you know scripted and a production team
18:06 or almost like behind and it's like it's
18:08 just me so like yeah I'm gonna be
18:10 repetitive and it's sort of stream of
18:11 consciousness as I go through those
18:13 videos but that's just cuz it's just me
18:15 filming on my phone in the sewing room
18:19 it's not like I script my sewing videos
18:21 in any way or this video in any quelle
18:23 nice crib with some parts in this video
18:24 obviously at the beginning I scripted of
18:26 this video but here at the end I'm just
18:28 rambling to you as usual you're welcome
18:30 something else I'm excited to have done
18:33 in 2019 was reopening my Etsy shop I was
18:35 like much more stressed about this
18:38 beforehand and then when I did kind of
18:40 restock the shop and sort of relaunch it
18:43 a little bit with that first round of
18:45 thrifted fines I was really pleasantly
18:48 surprised at how the response to it in general
18:49 general
18:51 and how all so much fun I had doing all
18:55 that it is a lot of work both you know
18:57 going out and thrifting and you're tired
18:58 at the end of the day if you're doing
19:01 like outsourcing clothes all day or
19:04 items it's tiring but super fulfilling
19:06 the the shopping itself is really fun
19:08 like finding gems out in the wild is
19:10 super fun it always has been that's why
19:12 I knew I would you know not mine picking
19:14 up extra things to pass on to people who
19:16 have less fruitful thrift stores as I
19:20 always say but the like laundering
19:22 photographing listing process isn't the
19:23 most fun thing but like it's super
19:25 gratifying when people leave reviews and
19:27 say like everything fit and they really
19:30 like the item that's really really quite
19:33 like encouraging and cool and something
19:36 I wasn't expecting so I think I will be
19:37 leaning into working on the a3 shop a
19:38 little bit more in this next year
19:41 because I thought it was gonna be very
19:44 much like a very side-side-side hustle a
19:46 thing that I really you know didn't set
19:48 aside extra time for that was just going
19:50 to try and tack on but it turned out
19:51 that it requires a lot of time so if I
19:53 want to do it I am gonna have to carve
19:55 time aside for it and I do want to do it
19:57 so that was what I learned from that
19:59 experience and I'm happy to have reopen
20:00 the shop and I am excited because I have
20:01 a bunch of stock that I just got
20:03 recently to go through it all wash
20:05 everything photograph everything and get
20:07 that up soon for those of you who want
20:10 to shop my finds or kind of like shop my
20:12 tastes of stuff I'm really I do try and
20:14 be quite picky when I'm out buying
20:17 things through the store because I don't
20:18 want to buy anything for the shop that I
20:21 wouldn't wear myself I find things that
20:23 aren't my size so I can't wear them but
20:26 like I if it was my size would I buy
20:27 this and wear it myself and if the
20:28 answer is no then I leave it behind so I
20:30 have left a couple things behind because
20:31 maybe they were great but there was like
20:33 a little bit of a condition issue or
20:35 things like that but I think that's
20:37 what's allowing me to feel good about
20:39 the shop still is that it really is just
20:41 more thing Mark Moore finds that I would
20:43 totally have in my own closet that I'm
20:45 just making available to other people to
20:47 put in there so I suppose something else
20:48 I almost consider an accomplishment this
20:52 year was I left my day job finally I've
20:55 had like as I said on videos in this
20:56 series before I've had many different
20:59 jobs since graduating college several
21:01 years ago now some of them full-time I
21:03 had like a full time managerial position at
21:03 at
21:05 point and then I've had like part-time
21:08 jobs I've had retail jobs I interned at
21:09 the Denver Art Museum for a little while
21:10 which was fun
21:12 I've been lots of different things since
21:15 I graduated college none of them have
21:17 allowed me to move out of here which it
21:19 is a nice room we can all agree but um I
21:21 would like to have my own place of
21:26 course and my own life but leaving this
21:27 day job felt a little different because
21:30 I was leaving it with the idea that
21:33 YouTube was now my day job my part-time
21:37 job as it is I've spent oh there's often
21:39 weeks where I spend full-time time on
21:41 YouTube videos definitely a lot of the
21:43 time as we can see in my last video I
21:46 spend a lot of time on that Star Wars
21:48 set for example for one you know ten
21:49 minute video I spent a couple of weeks
21:52 on it getting everything together and
21:53 putting everything together at the end
21:55 but it's gonna be so much easier now not
21:57 having to schedule all my creative work
22:00 for YouTube writing blogging whatever I
22:03 need to get done around going to a
22:05 part-time job and I'm super super lucky
22:06 to be in this position where I don't
22:09 have to have a day job anymore that
22:11 YouTube can be my day job for now
22:13 because I do have such like low bills
22:16 because I live at home my you know bills
22:18 are nowhere near where a normal adult
22:22 humans are and like of course now the
22:26 quest is to build from this sort of
22:28 part-time income I make online into an
22:30 actual income I can then live off of and
22:33 can do the whole moving out having my
22:35 own place having my own everything
22:38 situation I think Western culture and
22:40 like American culture specifically at
22:43 least it seems to me very much places a
22:45 large value on you know pulling yourself
22:47 up by your own bootstraps and paying
22:49 your own way and making your own way and
22:51 everything being very individual and not
22:53 relying on anybody else and so of course
22:56 part of me a lot of me that's what I I
22:59 want I want to be completely independent
23:02 especially financially but it's just
23:04 gonna clearly take a lot longer than I
23:06 ever thought it would but I have to
23:09 learn to be okay with that because my
23:12 family are which is extremely kind of
23:14 them and again I feel guilty all the
23:17 time for this so I should learn
23:19 to be okay with it - because stressing
23:20 about it doesn't help me get anything
23:22 done as I've said here on the channel
23:24 before as well but anyway no more day
23:27 job YouTube is the day job more news on
23:29 this front soon and then another more
23:31 personal sort of thing that I
23:34 accomplished in 2019 it doesn't really
23:36 feel like an accomplishment but it kind
23:39 of does so here it is is that I sort of
23:42 wreak a mout to my parents for those of
23:44 you who don't know I identify as asexual
23:47 and queer I have a video about that here
23:49 on the channel it's a little outdated
23:52 now which I would like to talk to about
23:54 this in a video in general I would like
23:57 to talk about questioning your sexuality
23:59 as an adult in a video in general
24:01 because I think in a lot of ways you
24:03 people don't give themselves permission
24:07 to which leads to a lot of like stress I
24:11 know I you know never I don't give
24:12 myself permission for a lot of things
24:15 but to look inward sometimes it's like
24:17 you don't have time to figure your
24:20 out so just let's just ignore it and put
24:22 everything in the back of your mind
24:25 stuff I mean mmm I'll replace that with
24:27 stuff I don't want to curse on my
24:30 channel this is not a family-friendly
24:31 channel though because God knows we
24:32 can't deal with that mess anymore but
24:35 yeah I kind of had to or I felt I had to
24:40 reaffirm my queerness to my family I
24:45 felt like as much as my asexuality was
24:47 understood it was understood to be like
24:49 the end all and be all which I think at
24:50 one point I thought too
24:54 but I am more interested in possibly
24:56 dating and finding a companion than I
24:58 ever have been or ever realized I have
25:00 been in my life and it's been an
25:02 interesting discovery but I just felt I
25:06 needed to reaffirm everything about who
25:09 I was so that I could be more free and
25:11 open to be Who I am around the people
25:15 who love me and I loved most so I didn't
25:17 happen the way I wanted it to really
25:20 come it came out and a messy time anyway
25:22 um but it was just one of those things
25:24 where I was like God we need to put
25:25 everything on the frigging table so let
25:28 me just come out with this as well why
25:30 not we're piling it on we were having a
25:30 week where we are calling
25:33 on here and I was like also this because
25:35 you know we're just gonna get it all out
25:38 and it is a relief for me to have it out
25:41 because now it is no longer sort of my
25:44 stress my problem I don't have to think
25:45 about it in the same way anymore
25:48 I don't have to worry about it but I
25:50 mean even if you have the chillest
25:53 family in the world and you live in like
25:57 you know a liberal area and you you
25:58 don't feel unsafe ever or anything like
26:00 that work for me I mean I don't really
26:03 like I don't think people code me as
26:05 queer when I go anywhere because I'm so
26:08 femme and I don't also go anywhere she
26:11 says in her pajamas um so I you know you
26:12 would think you don't have to worry
26:15 about being out and being who you are
26:18 but it still is extremely nerve-wracking
26:20 to say those things I don't know you
26:23 mean you you don't want whatever
26:24 internalized homophobia reason you just
26:25 don't want to say to your parents like
26:27 hey by the way I'm gonna date girls
26:29 maybe it's like you're nearly 30
26:32 Esposito get it together um so again I
26:33 will probably talk about this more in
26:35 another video here on the channel
26:37 eventually I would like to start making
26:41 kind of more personal videos it's just I
26:43 don't I feel like it's so much easier to
26:45 make content where I am being more
26:47 instructional or you know talk about
26:49 sewing talking about spin to style
26:51 things I know a lot about and that are
26:53 much more educational almost videos not
26:56 that I'm an expert but it's obviously
26:58 easier to do educational or even like
27:01 halls and style content than it is to
27:03 talk about more personal stuff but I
27:05 think you know I love YouTube channels
27:07 where people talk about their opinions
27:11 their life experience their you know not
27:13 necessarily advice but like their
27:16 experiences because it helps me as a
27:18 viewer feel less alone and helps me feel
27:19 a kinship with them even though I may
27:22 never meet them and if I could be in any
27:25 way a friend a digital friend to anyone
27:26 else out there through my videos I think
27:29 I would like to be um whenever people
27:30 ask like why did you make this
27:31 asexuality video people comment
27:32 sometimes on that video and say like
27:33 this has nothing to do with rest your
27:35 content and I have just as many comments
27:37 as say that but for every one of those I
27:40 have two that say like thank you for
27:41 making this video representation is
27:43 really important and it's nice to see
27:44 someone else
27:47 talk about this so I do think it is
27:49 important to talk about different life
27:52 experiences sometimes and be the voice
27:53 when sometimes there aren't many voices
27:56 out there anyway that got really serious
27:59 and like I said earlier in this video I
28:01 think when I biggest failings to 2019
28:03 was staying comfortable and you know
28:04 that's what I was saying like sometimes
28:07 I think I needed a comfortable constant
28:10 when I had like some other drama going
28:15 on or was stressed about other things it
28:17 was nice to have kind of like okay well
28:19 at least I'm not getting you know at
28:20 least I'm not worried about my family
28:22 rejecting me for being queer and
28:24 worrying about getting like three actual
28:25 rejection letters in my email inbox
28:28 because like sometimes you can only deal
28:29 with so much rejection at once and I was
28:31 worried about different types of
28:33 rejection this year and I just could
28:35 only handle a little bit of a time so I
28:37 didn't you know have rejection letters
28:40 coming in for queries because I was
28:41 worried about a different kind of
28:42 rejection basically and I think
28:45 subconsciously I was like I need to just
28:48 be comfortable or more comfortable this
28:51 year then I thought I was going to but
28:52 of course now I have the problem of
28:55 needing to query again and so that is
28:57 something I will be working on here in
28:59 2020 and I'll talk about that and I have
29:00 separate goals video coming up later
29:01 this week so I'll talk about that then
29:04 and so I do want to push myself to be
29:07 more vulnerable and more uncomfortable
29:11 and more spontaneous in 2020 it's done
29:13 I'm really not a spontaneous person at
29:15 all people who know I could have ever
29:16 tried to make friends in my life who
29:18 have ever tried to make make plans with
29:21 me but it's like they're like on Monday
29:22 they'll say if you want to hang out on
29:23 Thursday I'm like whoa whoa whoa
29:25 that is way too soon and they're like
29:26 it's literally days away but no no I
29:28 can't that'll even that has to be
29:30 spontaneous for me so I'm gonna work on
29:31 that hopefully a little bit because I
29:34 think I need to like you do they say you
29:36 only grow when you're pushed out of your
29:39 comfort zone and so I need to get out of
29:41 my zone a little bit including when it
29:43 comes to things like making new friends
29:47 hopefully and possibly even dating Oh God
29:49 God
29:53 so we'll see I just know that like and
29:54 I'll be talking about this in my next
29:57 video like Jo March I love writing but sometimes
29:58 sometimes
30:01 get lonely so I'm gonna try and work on
30:03 that and yes I have been to see little
30:04 women twice already it's actually
30:07 January 9th as I am filming this
30:08 sit-down portion of this video and
30:10 actually a lot of this video I recorded
30:11 the voiceovers for the rest of this
30:13 today everything recorded today footage
30:16 in the beginning however um a different
30:18 day back in November where I was not
30:21 feeling so great um but I've already
30:23 been to the movie theater twice in 2020
30:25 they're only not even 10 days in and I
30:27 saw a little woman twice and I have no
30:29 regrets I would go again although you
30:31 know I know now to wear no makeup and
30:33 bring lots of tissues because that's a
30:35 movie about being in love with writing
30:37 and like fighting through the creative
30:41 process and so no wonder I'm I feel like
30:44 I can relate a little but anyway I am
30:45 rambling again thank you as always for
30:48 tuning in to this video here thank you
30:50 for tuning into side hustling it means a
30:53 lot to me that anyone listens to my
30:56 diary entries I'm glad it's not a ton of
30:58 people though if I'll follow my
31:00 subscribers watch these videos I might
31:01 have to be a little bit more careful and
31:04 less open but I think there is some
31:08 value in recording a journal entry for
31:11 future me hopefully and I'll see you all
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