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Estrangement: What To Do When Your Kids Won’t Talk to You | Kenny Weiss | YouTubeToText
YouTube Transcript: Estrangement: What To Do When Your Kids Won’t Talk to You
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Video Transcript
welcome back
in today's video i'm going to talk about
something really difficult estrangement
and what to do when your child doesn't
want to have anything to do with you
anymore whether that's talking to you or
seeing you or whatever it may be and to
do that i'm going to get very vulnerable
about my own life situation
and in my experience as a parent
i've had periods where all of my
children have not i've been estranged
from right now there are two of them that
that
don't want to have anything to do with me
me
and i'm doing this because
of what i believe in what i really teach
are truth and responsibility and that
requires being vulnerable
and sharing truth and owning
responsibility now for some people
this is uncomfortable when i do this
they don't like me bringing up such
personal information one they expect me
or want me to be perfect and have
everything figured out and i can
appreciate that i'd like to be perfect
too and have all the answers to
everything but i don't and i think it's
imperative for someone in my position to
to be honest about that
that's one thing also some people don't
like it because
it means i might bring up other people
involved in the situation and they don't
think that's right and i i could see that
that
again my philosophy is truth and
responsibility and this is something i
had to learn in my own journey that you
know when people would say things about
me from my past that i didn't like you
know my mentor taught me well wait a
minute kenny do you realize
you're responsible if you don't want
people to know these things about you
you could have made a different choice
and so
if the other people involved in my
situations don't like that inadvertently
their you know their
their decisions might be discussed well
they could have chosen a different
choice see we're all responsible
personally and that's my
the reason i do this is we all struggle
because most teachers and the world in general
general advocates
advocates
that we live in self-deception blame
blame
and projection we put everything else on
somebody else we play the victim that's
how we're rewarded
we don't teach truth and responsibility
and and there's a huge and that's why
everyone struggles and so
that's why i'm doing this and you may
disagree with all of those points and i
want you to disagree if you do i want
you to hold on to your reality and what
works best for you
and i'm just teaching from the platform
that i've decided has the
most people will benefit from and it
brings the most joy into people's lives
the other way doesn't work and that's
why i've chosen this so it's what works
for me so
so
if you are going through this and you're
estranged from your child
it's been my experience there are kind
of three situations where this happens there's
there's
the single parent who is just overwhelmed
overwhelmed
there is the divorced or separated you
know the dissolved relationship and usually
usually
like say you're the estranged one and
you're blaming the other side
and or there is the intact relationship
and there is blame going on about the
other parent in my experience there you
know there are always subtleties but
that's where the estrangement comes from
and what i've noticed is the primary problem
problem
is the blaming of the other parent
now i'm not going to deny
that the other parent isn't a problem
but there's some fundamental truths
we must take
responsibility for
that then put the responsibility back on
us and this is why we are estranged we
are not taking responsibility for our
part not enough we may say yeah i take
responsibility kenny
but you're estranged because you haven't
taken enough responsibility okay
and that's just tough to say like this
is going to be a tough video for you
because truth is difficult to absorb
when you have a world advocating the
opposite and responsibility is difficult
to absorb when we again we haven't been
shown how but i'm i'm really encouraging
you to stick with me to the end and
that's also why i'm going to use my
story because
it's my
when you see that it's possible it gives
you hope and that's really what i want
you to get from this video is hope not judgment
judgment
not blame or criticism what i'm really
teaching in this video is tremendous hope
hope
and tremendous opportunity now to get
there to live in that hope and live in
that opportunity we are going to have to
go head first into some really dark
difficult truths and responsibilities
which create feelings we're not used to navigating
navigating
and this is you know the deep
granularity of emotional mastery which
i'm trying to impart and and that's why
i'm doing this so
do you see the overwhelming
responsibility if you're a single parent
except in the rare case where somebody
forced themselves on you
you picked that person
and they may have disappeared and
they've had nothing to do
with this child and you were overwhelmed
by the responsibility did the best you
could but you made a lot obviously we
all make mistakes and your child's
estranged from you you
part of the response the problem is the
other parent was never there you're not
responsible for that
and you are responsible
for picking
and and
conceiving a child with somebody
that would not be around i know you're
thinking well i didn't know that would
happen and that's true
but do you see why that's true because
we didn't take responsibility to learn
how relationships happen how attractions
happen we are responsible we can't
outrun those truths
and so if we are the sole parent we have
to take ownership i played a huge part
in picking a partner that would end up
forcing me to raise this child on my own
that's me
that's real that's a lot of me
same holds true
if you have you know a relationship
that's ended
and this other one is really toxic and i
would agree they're probably
a thousand times
more imperfect than you and more
destructive than you
but the lack of recognition that if they
are that destructive that's a mirror
into how dysfunctional my views of
relationships and attraction are that i
picked that and was attracted and
allowed that near me and again
i didn't take responsibility to go learn
about attraction go learn about relationships
relationships
to learn that we become our childhood
that that's why we picked this i didn't
know that like there's all these things
i'm responsible for that that's truth i
have to let that in
or number three
that i'm in a relationship
and maybe maybe both of us are just completely
completely astonished
astonished
that our child or children want don't
want to have anything to do with us
and if that's the case there is a level
of detachment from truth and reality
that is so far beyond comprehension
those are two parents
that must see themselves as gods
because they can't see that they're
imperfect and they can't even
acknowledge and admit their mistakes or
they may say they haven't but they
aren't that big of a deal they're
minimizing them
and and that's the problem i
i
this is this is really hard to say and i
i'm doing my best to be really kind and
empathetic about this and and i know i'm
not going to do this as well as i would like
from a place
that doesn't hurt
and that's what i'm trying to do here but
but
do you realize
if a child runs away
what that says
that the one place
where they are supposed to have complete
safety the home
their mother and father
they deem that so unsafe that they leave
it that's what the child who's running
away is saying
directly or indirectly
that's a reflection
on us now not completely
not we aren't solely responsible and i'm
not saying we should shame ourselves and
belittle ourselves for these
imperfections but we do need to take ownership
ownership
and here's part of why
do you realize also that a child leaves
because they don't know how to resolve conflict
conflict well
well
who teaches them
how to resolve conflict us
us
if you're a single parent
you obviously didn't know how to resolve conflict
conflict
if you're in a divorced relationship or
relationship that's ended you didn't
know how to resolve it if you're in a
marriage where you don't see
what's going on between the two of you
and your children you aren't present
enough to resolve conflict
now this is where i use my life story
to lighten the burden because that's
what i want to do is let you know
because it can be hard as you're looking
at this and and you're probably fighting
letting in the truth but you also don't
quite know where to look so i want to
i guess you you know i don't consider it
throwing myself under the bus i just
consider it truth and responsibility but
i had a marriage where i was physically
and verbally abused and i didn't leave
what message am i sending
the children and
child that won't speak to me comes from
that i couldn't protect myself
so how would my child know how to
protect themselves
i didn't model it right
right
i didn't know how to resolve conflict
i didn't stand up for myself this person also
also
was incredibly controlling of me
and wouldn't allow me to parent now do
you see the the
word choice i chose those words specifically
specifically
controlling of me wouldn't allow me to
parent do you see how that play that's
the victim role and places
responsibility on the other person
nobody controls me unless i allow it
nobody stops me from parenting unless i
allow it
see i didn't know how not to allow that
and so
my child who doesn't speak to me doesn't
know either
it was never modeled i'm responsible for that
that
the only way i knew how to defend myself
was to be passive aggressive well
well
what is somebody who leaves because this
this child has not told me why they
won't speak to me well that's passive aggressive
aggressive
well where'd they learn that
i didn't know how to defend myself so
i'd make snarky comments i'll never
forget one one of the times was i was
holding this child who doesn't speak to
me i was holding them and
and
their mother
i said you're a drug addict which is true
true
and they hit me while i was holding the
child well instead of
getting help instead of leaving do you
see how passive aggressive my comment is
i'm not dealing with the situation i'm
not dealing with conflict i'm initiating
i'm playing a part i'm not condoning no
i don't care what anyone says it's not
okay to respond the way she did like
don't misunderstand me that's
the people who want to stay the victim
are going to try and justify
you know go well what they did is worse
well maybe okay
okay
okay you're right
but the problem you're having is you
aren't seeing the part you played and
that's why i'm telling these stories
these aren't to throw my former partner
under the bus and say they're terrible
we are equal
we are both perfectly imperfect neither
one of us
is demonstrating how to navigate
conflict in a healthy way
she's doing it in her way but i'm doing
it in my way now some people may judge
and go well my way's better and you may
be saying that about yourself well i
don't know that that's true
all i know is
both are imperfect and that's what
matters not grading who's better than
the other
because i can't control them but i can
control me and the only way this gets
better is if i control me
and so my child is acting passively
aggressively because right there in my
arms got a great picture of what it
looks like
i caught her that
we also went through five counselors
during the marriage
each time
we'd go because i was the problem and
legitimately i there were yeah look i
was passive aggressive i was so immature and
and
i had so many i just i was such a little boy
boy
a poor woman
i was such a little boy i was in my 30s
no idea who i was what i wanted no i had
no clue how to navigate life you know as
a result of this marriage ending i
went back into counseling but i got
lucky i finally got a good one and as i
told him i don't know how to be a man so
i didn't know how to be a man and i'm
with this woman all right so we'd go
into counseling and there were some
legitimate concerns a lot of projection
too but we'd spend the first i don't
know three to six weeks
fixing kenny
well i would do the work
and after a period of time the counselor
would shift and because they would
notice things in my ex and
and they'd bring that up and always on
the drive home they actually i don't
like this therapist we need a new one
and so we'd move on to the next there
was no
ability for them to take ownership of
their part
well i allowed that
i didn't put my foot down i didn't step
up for myself stand up for myself
i didn't know how to handle conflict
we'll neither
do these children
that's why they're not around me that's
the part i play
eventually the only way i can reconcile
this is this is how decrepid
i don't i should i call myself decrepit no
no
and just doing the best i could with the
information a bit to our society doesn't
teach this we don't know
and so i'm not really to blame it just
it is sad and heartbreaking but the only
way i could end the relationship was to
have an affair and do it in a way that
i'd get caught that was how i could say no
no
but i did took me almost 10 years
of non-stop poor treatment before i
could even get to that place see my my
daughter sucked while she wasn't alive
for 10 years of it but six years of
of
here's the model
of how to handle relationship
i picked her
the thing to remember is
our children become our emotional
condition if you don't know that that's
part of the problem parents
parents
the second problem is parents
drastically overestimate and
over inflate how good they are as a
parent it's natural
because we're all taught to deny the
trauma we experienced as a child
how we brought all of that trauma into
our adult relationships we don't know
that our adult relationships are just a
reflection of our unhealed trauma in
childhood and if you don't know this
like these aren't arguable facts these
are facts that are not arguable the only
reason you may have discomfort with them
or disagree with them is because you
don't oh god i see it i'm not trying to
be condescending i'm trying to be
honest and truthful but if you disagree
with it it's just because you lack the
information it's like someone the other
day was arguing with me that we think
before we feel well that's
so wrong
we've known neuroscientifically
we feel before we think and she brought
up a personal development program that's
very popular that's all based on
thinking well
they're teaching a model that isn't even right
right
it's old science
science
but she believes in the model and i
don't want to strip her of her belief of
this model like they're trying to do
great things don't get me wrong but it's
just wrong
every person i've ever met who's been
through that program has limited success
success
because they've never dealt with the
underlying emotional conditions they try
and use thought on top of everything
well you can't you have to heal the emotions
emotions but
but
their program doesn't teach that it
avoids it and that's okay
you get great benefits from it but she's
not in reality and so when i bring this
stuff up people that don't know it or
get upset with me it's because they're
not in reality they don't have the
information they haven't done what i
always talk about go become an expert
none of us are taught how to be a parent
none of us are taught how to have a
relationship we are just winging it
everything in life we go learn
how to do we're not allowed to drive
there are all these things we have to
satisfy these conditions like imagine
i talk about this in my book
to cut somebody's hair
something that no matter how badly it
gets butchered grows back perfectly fine
on its own like
like
we care more about our hair than we do
learning about how to be a parent or how
to fall in love and have a healthy
relationship the government demands we
need a license to cut hair
and then the denial comes up and then
the people listening they don't do the work
work
they just okay watch a couple videos
but why are you on a daily basis
studying doing exercises like that's
what this requires that's being responsible
responsible
and that's what's not happening in your
the irony in all of this is what is
ultimately what is my job and this i get
to this because this is your solution
i'm a father figure or a mother figure
for everyone that watches me or hires me
isn't that ironic
like i'm teaching them the things they
didn't learn as a child i'm teaching
them how to heal what happened to them
as a child i'm nurturing them out of
that state into adulthood
that's all this is
and and why am i doing that
because when i went into my counselor's
office after allowing all of this behavior
behavior
i knew i the ramifications on my children
children
and i still made a ton of mistakes there
was there was and still is so much to learn
learn
and so since that moment
for 20 years
i've been dedicating myself to learn how
to be a parent
and so what a lot of people don't know is
is
this may this
i may lose all my following now but you
is maybe someday my kids will want to
know me
because i
the way things are now there's not i'm
i'm not in relationship and most of
their lives i haven't been not from a
lack of effort i went bankrupt fighting
for them you know i've done as many
things as i can
but the secret is this what remember
what i said our kids become our
emotional condition so i've spent 20
years working on my emotional condition
trying to be the father that they
deserved that i wasn't
when they were kids that i'm responsible for
for
i have spent my life
trying to learn how to be the father i
wasn't and so i now have a career where
i'm a father to everyone but them not
everyone but many people but them and
that's okay
the only thing i can control is me
and because i know scientifically that
children become their parents emotional
condition the best thing i can do is
grow children we model our parents
right and so this is part i didn't say
this in the beginning but this is part
of why i share my story i'm modeling for
those who follow me
and see me whether they recognize it or
not those who follow me do see me as a
in a parental role
i'm modeling
what it's like
i'm modeling vulnerability i'm modeling
transparency i'm modeling truth i'm
modeling responsibility i don't do it perfectly
perfectly i'm
i'm
you see throughout my videos i screw up
all the time and i say things that are
incorrect and you know misspeak and i
leave them in to show that it's okay to
be perfectly imperfect
that the key
remember our kids don't know how to
handle conflict we need to learn to
handle conflict inside ourselves and so
i put this material out and many people
and it is not comfortable to deal with
that conflict but i put myself in that
position because why
i need to model for my children what i
didn't model for them when they were children
children
i am forcing myself into an incredibly
uncomfortable position
where my imperfections
get noticed and seen and all my
skeletons come out so that i can learn
to navigate the conflict i avoided which
created my part in the estrangement that
we have is there an aspect that their
act their their parent
of course there is but i can't control that
that
my kids deserve at least one parent
who's willing to do the work
that's my job
that's my responsibility as a parent and
it's yours as well
and so if you are not working on
becoming an expert and healing the pain
from the past from your own childhood
of learning about how to be a parent how
to be vulnerable how to be transparent
how to take ownership and face your
denial and self-deception on a moment a
minute-by-minute basis
you are playing a part in the continued estrangement
estrangement
you are responsible for that and i say
that with love
truth is love
and that's what i hope you hear is not
condemnation not judgment but i'm trying
to to model what love is that we speak
to each other with truth
we are all imperfect and here's the thing
thing ultimately
ultimately
our kids are hurting from the
estrangement just as much as we are
and they feel tremendous guilt and shame
over it
but they're stuck in their denial and
their shame
because ultimately they can't forgive
themselves for the part they're playing
they're immature immature in part
because we didn't teach them about how
healthy relationships work so they're
just doing the best they can too
but deep down as they mature they'll
they'll feel it they'll recognize that
much of the estrangement is a lack of
forgiveness for themselves and how they
made snap judgments that were less than
perfect and they can't see that now and
so it is our job
to show them
what self-forgiveness
looks like so that we open the door for
the day that they're ready they know
what it looks like and that's why i do
this is i'm trying to model look
look
i've been
in many cases an incredibly wonderful parent
parent
and in many cases an awful parent
i have been perfect and imperfect
and both are okay
i can forgive myself
because i'm doing the work that's
that's
that's where self-forgiveness comes from
is have you put a plan in place and
taken action
on healing the pain that you played a
part in creating
if you aren't doing those first two you
can't let go
and that's become my life
is a teaching and learning processes and
plans and then sharing them with others
and working on within like all of this
stuff i do on myself and then i teach it
i'm not saying you have to do it that
way but you have to find your own method
your own way of modeling the forgiveness
and so to solve this problem
with your children requires three things
you need
to develop the skills and tools you were
never taught about relationships and parenting
parenting
and healing the pain from your past
you will not create
a truly healthy loving attached
relationship with your children unless
you go learn how to do that and none of
us have learned i don't care who you are
and what you used to think your
childhood was like it wasn't what it
you're capable of we are capable of so
much more than we achieve
and so we must get into reality of that
truth number two
we need community and connections
we need to learn how to be vulnerable
and develop
relationships because the models we saw
for relationships were obviously
perfectly imperfect and dysfunctional
because we then recreated those in our
own relationships with adults and our child
child
we need to put ourselves in a position
to repeatedly hit up against that wall
and fail
miserably and learn the process of developing
developing
relationship it is a learned skill it is
not innate in us
because of the worst day cycle because
we are all so dysfunctional
we have to go learn how to heal all this
and develop relationship and finally
we need a guide and mentor we need the
parent we've never had now
now
all of us require
somebody to model
what it looks like
to be
the adult
in the relationship to be the parent in
the relationship to be that for
ourselves and for our children
and we don't know how to do that that is obvious
obvious
because we are estranged from our child
we played a part in that and we must
focus on the part we can't control
now if you don't know where that is i
offer all
three my complete emotional mastery
teaches you the skills and tools to heal
the pain from the past to become the
adult you need to be the develop the
relationship skills you were never taught
taught
and to forgive yourself for being
perfectly imperfect i have my perfectly
imperfect private group
which is all about community and
connection and you get coaching from me
as well
and that teaches you to get in there be
vulnerable be transparent in front of
other people share your skeletons on a
smaller you don't have to get on youtube
and facebook and share it like i do and
i don't know if what i'm doing is the
right way it seems like at least where i
am in my journey right now it seems like
the best way for me to do it i may grow
into something else and go wow that was
very childish i don't know right now it
seems very adult and healthy but i'm
open to the possibility that everything
i'm doing is wrong
i'm always open to the possibility that
i am never ever right
because that allows for relationship if
i pigeonhole myself and say only i have
the right way which you've seen me say
many times
showing my dysfunction
just ignore me and go there's kenny the
child the broken little child demanding
to be seen and heard and he feels so
insecure and insignificant he has to be
right just humor me in those moments and
forgive me or
but just recognize the truth
and recognize that when i get back into
the adult me i see it too and i take
responsibility for how the child in me
pops up
but we do need that connection and that intimacy
intimacy
and then finally i offer the one-on-one
coaching i mentor you and that's what
but you can do that by watching my
videos somewhat
ultimately it's a process that needs to
be it's a relationship
we need to form a relationship with a
guide and mentor and you can't do that
through watching videos that's a lived experience
experience
now you don't have to i may not be the
one that you want but find one you need one
one
you need that parent figure you didn't
have that left the hole so that you can
learn how to be the parent for yourself
that's what i've done
i reconciled how my parents couldn't be
there and until i could be there for
myself and then
i was able to let them go
and love them for
what they did bring me
because look do you realize
as so-called bad as my parents were
they were just perfectly imperfect
but all of the pain i have suffered
at their hands has also made me a pretty
damn good parent
because that's what i do
you can call me a life coach or
emotional all these different things but
i'm just a
parent in the first place is i learned
and when i do that when i model what
that's like i give the best chance
for me to resurrect the relationships
with my children
and i hope i do that i
i
i hope that happens and if it doesn't
happen then i know there's a bigger
reason for it
and they're doing what's best for them
but my responsibility as their father
is to be an expert in trying to heal that
that
and that's all i'm encouraging you to do
go become an expert
learn the skills and tools be part of a group
group
that fosters connection and intimacy and vulnerability
vulnerability
and work with a mentor
and that's the best thing you can do to
heal this dynamic so
if you know somebody who's estranged
from their child
and you think this will help them
please help them if you want me
to teach you the skills and tools and be
a part of my group or be your mentor i
will leave you the links and you can
investigate them and get in touch with
me personally so
just remember forgive yourself this is
the process to self-forgiveness
and as you work through it i promise you
will find peace
and you will find a level of connection
with yourself and others
that brings you the peace we all deserve
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