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How to Stop Time (2017) by Matt Haig; read by Tom Hollander

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Summary

Core Theme

The narrative explores the life of an immortal man, Tom, who ages at an incredibly slow rate, grappling with profound loneliness, the loss of loved ones, and the constant threat of discovery by an organization that monitors and controls individuals like him.

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[Music]

I am

old. That is the first thing to tell

you. The thing you are least likely to

believe. If you saw me, you'd probably

think I was about 40, but you'd be very

wrong. I am old.

old in the way that a tree or a quah

hook clam or a Renaissance painting is [Music]

[Music]

old. To give you an idea, I was born

well over 400 years ago on the 3rd of

March 1581 in my parents' room on the

third floor of a small French chat that

used to be my home. It was a warm day

apparently for the time of year and my

mother had asked her nurse to open all

the windows.

God smiled on you," my mother said,

though I think she might have added that

should he exist, the smile had been a

frown ever

since. My mother died a very long time

ago. I, on the other hand, did

not. You see, I have a condition, a rare

one, but not unique. The first respected

doctor to give it a name back in the

1890s called it angeria, but for reasons

that will become clear, that never

became public knowledge.

The condition develops around puberty.

Initially, the sufferer of the condition

won't notice they have it. After all,

every day, people wake up and see the

same face they saw in the mirror

yesterday. But as time goes by, at

birthdays or other annual markers,

people begin to notice you aren't

getting any older. The truth is though,

the individual hasn't stopped aging.

They age exactly the same way, just much slower.

slower.

The speed of aging amongst those with

angeria fluctuates a little, but

generally it's a 1:15 ratio. Though I

have to say it can feel like you're

stuck forever when, according to your

appearance, only a decade passes between

the death of Napoleon and the first man

on the

moon. One of the reasons people don't

know about us is that most people aren't

prepared to believe it. Another is that

we're protected by a kind of

organization. Anyone who does discover

our secret and believes it tends to find

their short lives are cut even

shorter. Hrik was in Los Angeles. He

hadn't lived there since the 1920s, so

he assumed that no one was alive who

would remember him from

before. He had a large house in

Brentwood that served as the

headquarters for the Albatross

Society. Brentwood was perfect for him.

a geranium scented land of large houses

tucked behind high fences and walls and

hedges where the streets were free from

pedestrians and everything, even the

trees, looked perfect to the point of

sterile. I was quite shocked on seeing

Hrik sitting beside his large pool on a

sun lounger, laptop on knee. Normally,

Henrik looked pretty much the same, but

I couldn't help notice the change.

He looked

younger, still old and arthritic, but

well, better than he'd done in a

century. "Hi, Henrik," I said. "You look

good." He nodded as if this wasn't new information.

information.

Botox and a brow

lift. He studied me for a while as if I

was an artwork with a hidden meaning.

What's the matter, Tom? Was Iceland that

bad? I'd been living in Iceland for 8 years.

years.

It was

lonely. I thought you wanted lonely

after your time in Toronto. You said the

real loneliness was being surrounded by

people. And besides, that's what we are,

Tom. We're all

loners. I inhaled as if the next

sentence was something to swim under. I

don't want to be that anymore. I want

out. He didn't bat an eye. There is no

out, Tom. You know that. You're an

albatross. You're not a mayfly. You're an

albatross. The idea behind the names was

simple. Albatrosses back in the day were

thought to be very long living

creatures. Reality is they only live to

about 60 or so, far less than, say, the

Greenland sharks that lived to 400 or

the quahog clam scientists called Ming

because it was born at the time of the

Ming dynasty over 500 years ago. But

anyway, we were albatrosses or albers

for short, and every other human on

Earth was dismissed as a

mayfly. I was finding Henrik's

terminology increasingly ridiculous.

Albatrosses, may flies, the silliness of

it. I find it disrespectful, to be

honest with you, he told me after all

I've done for

you. I appreciate what you've done for

me, I hesitated. What exactly had he

done for me? The thing he promised to do

hadn't happened. Do you realize what the

modern world is like, Tom? It's not like

the old days. You can't just move

address and add your name to the parish

to pay to keep you and the other members

safe? Well, then I could save you some

money. I was always very clear. We have

a deal. I will give you the exact life

you want. any life at all. But every

eight years, as usual, you'll get a

call, and before you choose your next

identity, I'll ask you to do

something." I'd heard all this before,

of course, and my response, too, was

more than familiar to his ears. Is there

any news of her? No. But listen, we're

finding new people at an incredible

rate, over 70 last year.

If you still want to find her, you'd be

mad to want out

now. He had me and he knew it. Any life

I want. Any life you

want. I had been thinking about this and

I knew what to say. I want to go back to London.

London.

London. She probably isn't there, you

know. I know. I just want to be back

there to feel like I'm home again. And I

want to be a teacher, a history teacher.

I think that would be a good thing to [Music]

do. London, the first week of my new

life. I'm trying to seem normal. The

head teacher of Oakfield School, Daphne

Bellow, is wearing orange hoop earrings.

She has a few white hairs amid the

black. She's smiling at me. It's a

wistful smile. The kind of smile no one

is capable of before the age of 40. The

kind that contains sadness and defiance

and amusement all at

once. I've been here a long while.

Really? I say. Outside a distant police

siren fades into

nothing. Time, she says, is a strange

thing, isn't it?

She delicately holds the brim of her

paper cup of coffee as she places it

down next to her computer. The

strangest. I

agree. I like Daphne. I like this whole

interview. I like being back here in

London, back in Tower Hamlets, and to be

in an interview for an ordinary job.

It's so wonderful to feel well, ordinary

for once.

I look out of the window and see a woman

with a gaggle of school kids in uniform

head onto the playing field. She stops,

turns to them, and I see her face as she

speaks unheard words. She is wearing

glasses and jeans and a long cardigan

that flaps gently in the wind, and she

pulls her hair behind her ear. She's

laughing now at something a pupil is

saying. The laugh lights up her face,

and I am momentarily mesmerized.

Ah, Daphne says to my embarrassment when

she sees where I'm looking. That's

Camille, our French teacher. The kids

love her. Alfresco French lessons. It's

that kind of

school. I understand you've done a lot

of great things here. I say I try. It's

sometimes a losing battle, though.

That's my only concern about your

application. Your references are

amazing, and I've had them all checked,

but this isn't a rural comprehensive in

Suffukk. This is London. This is Tower

Hamlet. Many students here struggle hard

enough with the present, let alone with

history. How would you make history come

alive? There was no easier question in

the world. History isn't something you

need to bring to life. History already

is alive. We are history. History isn't

politicians or kings and queens. History

is everyone. It is everything. It's that

coffee. You could explain much of the

whole history of capitalism and empire

and slavery just by talking about

coffee. The amount of blood and misery

that has taken place for us to sit here

and sip coffee out of paper cups is

incredible. History is people. Everyone loves

loves

history. Dafany looks at me

doubtfully. Are you sure about that? I

offer a small nod. It's just making them

realize that everything they say and do

and see is only what they say and do and

see because of what has gone

before. I look out of the window.

We're on the third floor and have quite

a view even in the gray London

drizzle. I see an old Georgian building

I've walked past many times. That place,

that place over there, the one with all

the chimneys, that used to be an asylum.

And over there, I point to another lower

brick building was the old storehouse.

They used to take all the old bones and

make porcelain from them. If we'd walked

past it 200 years ago, we'd have heard

the whales coming from the people

society declared mad on one side and the

cattle on the other. Daphne writes

something down. And you play music, I

see. Guitar, piano, and violin. And the

loot, I don't say. And the mandolin, and

the sitern, and the tin

pipe. Yes. You put Martin to shame.

Martin, our music teacher. He's

hopeless. Poor

Martin. Well, I love music. I love

playing music, but I've always found it

hard to talk about music. Unlike

history. Unlike

history. Dafany shakes her head and

laughs. Well, Tom, I am quite impressed

by you in this application. I must say,

you tick all the boxes. But even if you

didn't, you'd be getting the job. Oh,

really? Why? She raises her eyebrows.

There's no other

applicant. We both laugh a little at

that, but the laugh dies faster than a

mayfly because then she says, "I live on

Chapel Street. I wonder if you know

anything about

that." And of course I do know about

that. And the question wakes me like a

I have been in love only once in my

life. I suppose that makes me a romantic

in a sense. The idea that you have one

true love that no one else will compare

after they've

gone. It's a sweet idea, but the reality

is terror

itself. To be faced with all those

lonely years after to exist when the

point of view has

gone. And my point for a while was

Rose. But after she was gone, so many of

the good memories were clouded by the

final day I had with her. Because it is

this day, the one where I headed to

Chapel Street to see her, that has

defined so many over the centuries.

centuries.

So I was standing outside her door. I

had knocked and waited and knocked

again. The watchman who I had passed at

the corner of the street was now

approaching. It's a marked house, lad.

It's unsafe. I held up my hand. Stand

back. I'm cursed with it, too. Do not

get any

closer. This was a lie, of course, but

an effective one. The watchman stepped

back from me with considerable haste.

Rose, I said through the door. It's me,

Tom. It took a while, but I heard her

voice from inside.

Tom. It had been years since I'd heard

that voice. Oh, Rose, open the door. I

need to see you. I can't, Tom. I am

sick. I know, but I won't catch it. I

have been around many plague sufferers

these last months, and I have had not so

much as a cold. Come on, Rose. Open the

door. She did

so, and she was

there, a woman.

We were the same age near enough, but

now she looked like she was nearing 50,

while I still seemed a [Music]

teenager. Rose's skin was gray. She

could hardly stand up.

I felt guilty that I had made her leave

her bed, but she seemed pleased to see

me. She talked semicoherently as I

helped her back into bed. You look so young

young

still. You're still a young man, a boy

almost. I held her hand. I'm sorry, she

said. I'm sorry I told you to leave. It

was the right thing. Just my existence

was a danger to you.

The illness was taking further hold

almost by the minute. She was now the

opposite of me. While for me life

stretched out towards an almost

infinitely distant point in the future,

for Rose the end was now galloping

closer. It's all right, Rose. It's all

right. I leaned over and kissed her

brow. Careful, she said. It is safe. In

truth, I didn't know for certain if that

was true, but I didn't care. Life had

lost its value in the years away from

her. We were happy, weren't we, Tom? We

were. I love you,

Rose. I love you so much. I could see

she was in so much pain that she just

wanted to die now. But I didn't know

what that would mean. I didn't know how

the world would stay

together. Sweetheart, where is Marion? I

asked. She stared at me a long time. I

readed myself for some terrible

news. She fled.

fled.

What? She was like

you. It took a moment to sink

in. She stopped growing

old. She spoke slowly between size and

coughs and

whimpers. Yes.

And people started to notice when the

years went by and she didn't

change. I have no idea where she went or

if she is

safe. You must try to find her. You must

try to look after her.

Pray. Be strong now,

Tom. I had never felt weaker. And yet I

was ready to give her anything, even the

myth of my strength and future happiness.

happiness.

I will be strong, my rose. I will look for

Marion. She closed her eyes as if she

had heard the final thing she had wanted to

hear. I pleaded with God. I asked and

begged and bargained, but God did not

bargain. God was stubborn and deaf and

oblivious. and she

died. And I lived and a hole opened up

dark and bottomless. And I fell down and

centuries. I feel weak. My head throbs.

I walk. I think it will help ease the

memories of Chapel Street. I walked to

the antidote, Hackne, where Rose and I

first lived together before the years of

misery and separation and plague took

over. The spot where we must have lived

is now a windowless red brick building

with a blue and white sign outside.

Hackne Pet Rescue Services. I cross the

street and go inside. Every other dog in

the place is barking, but this one is

just lying in its undersized basket. It

is a strange gray creature with sapphire

eyes. What breed is it? I ask the dog

shelter volunteer name badge Lou. She

scratches the eczema on her arm. He's an

Aikita, she says.

Japanese. This is the spot as far as I

can tell. This kennel, this one with

this beautiful sadl looking dog inside

is where the room used to be. The room

we slept in. What's his name? We call him

him

Abraham. Abraham stands up, comes over

to me, and stares up with those light

blue eyes as if trying to tell me

something. I hadn't intended to get a

dog. That hadn't been part of today's

plan. And yet, here I am saying, "This

is the one. I'd like to take him

home." I noticed the blotched skin on

Lou's arm, and in my mind, it was that

cold winter's day in Dr. Hutchinson's

waiting room in 1860. As I nervously

waited for a

diagnosis, Dr. Hutchinson was working at

the London Cutaneous Institution for

Treatment and Cure of Non-infectious

Diseases of the Skin. Quite a catchy

name by Victorian

standards. I had contacted Dr.

Hutchinson because of his work

discovering and researching a similar

albeit opposite affliction known as

Progeria, premature old age.

Essentially, I had been struggling

recently. I had spent most of the last

200 years searching London and the rest

of the country looking for Marian. There

were many times I'd lost all hope in my

search. A search not just for a lost

person, but for that other thing I had

lost meaning. For years after Rose died,

I would often catch myself in

apothecaries contemplating a purchase of

arsenic. And recently I was back in that

state, standing on bridges, dreaming of

non-existence. and I possibly would have

gone through with it were it not for the

promises I had made to Rose and my

mother. Dr. Hutchinson studied me

carefully. Where is your problem? Before

I speak, I must have assurance that I

can remain

unidentified. Of course, you've aroused

my curiosity. Tell me what is your

problem. I am old, I said simply. Older

than is meant to

be. It took a second, but then he seemed

to absorb it. How

old? I was born on the 3rd of March in

the year 1581. I am 271 years

old. I expected him to laugh, but he

didn't. He stared at me for a long, long

time. His eyes widened and he pinched

his lower lip between his fingers and

then he said, "Well, now I can give you

a diagnosis." I smiled. This was good. A

diagnosis was precisely what I was

after. But for proper help, you will

need to go to

Bethlehem. I remembered passing the

place, hearing the dull screams from

inside. Bethlem Hospital, as in

Bedum? The very same. But that's a place

for lunatics. It is an asylum. Yes.

Please, I recommend that you visit. It

will help with your delusions.

The most fashionable philosopher at this

time was the German Arthur

Schoppenhower, who was still just alive.

I had been reading a lot of him, which

was probably inadvisable. Reading

Shopenhau when you felt melancholy was

like taking off your clothes when you

felt cold, but a line of his came back

to me. Every man takes the limits of his

own field of vision for the limits of

the world. I had thought in coming to

Dr. Hutchinson. I was coming to the man

with the broadest field of scientific

vision, the one most likely to

understand my condition, and having this

belief slip away felt like a kind of

grief. As a result, I became quite

animated. I pulled a coin from my

pocket. Look at this. Look at this

penny. It is Elizabeth. And look, look.

My daughter gave it me when I had to go

away. That is an antique coin. I have a

friend who has a silver coin from the

reign of Henry VIII. And I assure you,

my friend was not born in the age of the

Tudtor. I am not deluded. I promise you,

I have been alive for a long time. I was

there when the British found Tahiti. I

knew Captain Cook. I worked for the Lord

Chamberlain's men. Please, sir, you must

tell me. Has anyone else been to see

you? A girl, a woman. Her name was

Marian, but she could have called

herself something else. In order to

survive, we need to Dr. Hutchinson look

worried now. If you don't see yourself

out, I will call for help and the police

will come and take you

away. There were tears in my eyes. I

stood up and nodded and left and kept

myself and my history a secret for

years. After that first meeting with Dr.

Hutchinson, I slipped into a state

beyond my usual grief and restlessness

and anxiety and despair, one of not

feeling anything at all. And when I felt

nothing, I almost became nostalgic for

the grief. At least when you felt pain,

you knew you were still

alive. One baking hot August day in

1880, I walked from White Chapel to St.

Alburn's. London was too much for me.

Too many memories, too many ghosts. It

was time to be someone else again. I

found work as a farrier. But in St.

Orbins, things became worse. I would

sometimes lose myself completely and

just stare into the orange heat of the

forge. Once when I was on my own, I took

a desperate action in the pursuit of

feeling. I pulled up my sleeve, took a

searing piece of iron curved into a

horseshoe from the flames, and pushed it

against the top of my left forearm. I

held it there as my skin hissed and

cooked beneath it and I clenched my jaw

and my eyes tight and contained the

scream. I still have that scar like a

half smile, and I get a strange comfort

when I look at it, though it is another

thing I have to conceal. A

distinguishing mark interfering with my anonymity.

It worked. I suppose I had to exist. I

realized because for pain to be felt,

there must be a living presence, a me to

feel it. And there was a reassurance in

that knowledge, that proof of my own

reality. But I still thought proof that

I wasn't

mad. Then one day, a thought occurred to

me. The thought was this. Maybe I did

have the proof. I myself was the

evidence, and time was the proof.

And so it was that I decided to take

that evidence one final time to Dr.

Hutchinson. The London Cutaneous

Institution for the Treatment and Cure

of Non-infectious Diseases of the Skin

was now called the London Skin Clinic,

but otherwise everything was still much

as I remembered. Dr. Hutchinson had aged

far ahead of his environment. He was an

ordinary human, and time was doing its

work. So, Mr. Winters. I don't seem to

have any notes for

you. The last time I came to see you, I

did so under the name of Edward Cribs.

Do you remember that name? You advised

me to go to the lunatic

asylum. He stood up out of his leather

chair and came over to me. He stood 10

in from my nose. A whisper.

whisper.

No. You remember, don't you? You do. I

can see. 31 years

ago. He was out of breath. as if the

realization was a hill he had climbed.

No, no, no, no. It can't be. I must have

taken leave of my senses. I assure you

that you haven't. My condition, the

condition of holding back the tide of

years is real. I am real. My life is

real. This is very

real. His hand reached out to touch my face.

face.

What was the date of your

birth? I was born on the 3rd of March in

1581. You were 85 years old when the

great fire of London I felt its heat.

Its sparks singed my skin.

Well, well, well, well. This changes everything.

everything.

Everything. Tell me, are you the only

one? Have you ever known anyone else

like you with this

this

condition? Yes, I said. There was a man

I met once during Captain Cook's second

voyage, a man from the Pacific Islands.

His name was Oh my. He became the rarest

of things, a friend to me, and also my

daughter, Marian.

I have not seen her since she was a

girl. Her mother told me that she had

inherited my condition, that she stopped

aging normally around 11 years of

age. Dr. Hutchinson smiled. This is a

gigantic thing to

comprehend. And I smiled too and felt

the soul anchoring joy of being understood.

understood.

And this joy stayed inside me right up

until Dr. Hutchinson's body was found

floating in the tempames 13 days [Music]

[Music]

later. I have a

headache sometimes. it's almost not

there. While at other times that is all

there is and the pain always coincides

with memories. It is less a headache and

more a memory ache, a life

ache. No matter what I do, it never goes

completely. I've taken ibuprofen, drunk

liters of water, had lavender scented

baths, slow breathed and listened to the

sound of waves on a beach, watched brain

dead TV, stopped drinking caffeine,

turned the brightness down on my laptop,

but still the headache stays as stubborn

as a

shadow. The one thing I hadn't properly

tried is sleep. I have a trouble with

sleep that has been growing over the

decades. I am lucky these days if I

manage 3

hours. In the old days, I used to take

quieting syrup, a kind of cough mixture

recommended by Hendrik, but quieting

syrup contained morphine, and so they

stopped making it when they prohibited

opiates a 100 years ago. I should have

gone to the doctor, of course, but I

didn't. It was a rule of the Albatross

Society. No doctors, not for anything.

And it was easy, after my guilt over Dr.

Hutchinson, to follow this through.

I start looking at lesson plans for the

year 7s and the first topic to appear on

the dimlit screen is witch trials in

TUDA England which I already know is

integral to the

syllabus. I realize there's a reason I'm

doing this why I want to become a

history teacher. I need to tame the

past. That is what history is. The

teaching and telling of it. It is a way

to control it and order it, to turn it

into a pet. But history you have lived

is different to history you read in a

book or on a

screen. And some things in the past

can't be

tamed. My brain suddenly hurts. I rise

and walk kitchen wood and find myself

making a bloody Mary. Basic, no stick of

celery. I play some music simply because

music sometimes helps. I remember the

poignant French se Mamo used to sing,

the ones she chose after we'd moved out

to England. And I think, as the headache

continues, how the pain in John Gford's

head all that time ago must have been a

whole infinity

worse. And I close my eyes and feel

those early memories come rolling back

with the power to thin the air. SuffK

SuffK

1599. This is what I

remember. My mother sat beside my bed

singing in French and playing her

cherrywood loot. Her fingers running

fast across the strings as if escaping

something. She was staring at me with

that vertical crease in her forehead. It

was the crease that always appeared

whenever she thought about father or the

trouble in France. She stopped

playing. You do not change. There is not

a hair on your face. You are 18 now, but

you still look as though you did 5 years

ago. Memo, I cannot help the way I look.

It is as though time has stopped for

you. I tried to hide my own worry and

reassure her. Time hasn't stopped. The

sun still sets and rises. Summer still

follows spring. I've been working as

hard as anyone my

age. Mother stroked my hair. She could

see only the child I still seemed to be.

I don't want more bad things to happen.

I will be fine. I know the money from

thatching is good, but maybe you should

stop working for Mr. Carter. Everyone

can see you up on the Gford's roof

thatching and they talk. Everyone is

talking now. It's a

village. The irony was that during my

first 13 years of life, I aged quickly.

Not unnaturally quickly, but certainly

quicker than average. This was why Mr.

Carter had recruited me. I had been

young so he could pay me cheap, but I

had been tall and broad and strong armed

for a

13-year-old. After such fast

development, to suddenly slow to what

seemed like no change at all must have

made it more

noticeable. There was a sound

outside, a terrible

wailing. I quickly put on my trousers

and shoes and went to the door. No, son.

Stay inside. Someone is hurt, I told

her. better see. I ran out and the day

was at that last point before night

after sunset when the skies a fragile

finch egg

blue. I kept running and I saw him. John

Gford. He was a long way off, but he was

easy to recognize. He was as large as a

haystack. He was walking along with his

arms hanging by his sides in a strange

fashion, as if they were dead things

attached to him. By the time he'd made

it to the green, the whole of Edward

stone seemed to be there. We could see

the blood now pouring out of his ears,

and after a cough, it streamed out of

his mouth and his nose too, flowing into

his beard.

Lucifer's work, said wideeyed Walter

Ernshaw, the knife grinder.

John Gford was still now lying face up

except for a shaking in his arms which

became less and

less. And then he died right there on

the green on the black blood soden

grass. While Alice collapsed on top of

him, the sudden grief convulsing out of

her, the villagers just stood there by

and large in a numb kind of silence. It

felt wrong being witnessed to such

private pain, so I turned away. But as I

walked past the familiar faces, I saw

the baker's wife, Best Small, staring

right at me with accusing

eyes. Yes, Thomas Hazard. Mind you, stay away

now. Witches, I say in the voice of a

teacher, that is a voice that isn't

really heard. Why do you think people

400 years ago wanted to believe in

witches? I survey the room. The faces

are smirking or embarrassed or checking

their phones or all three. It is 9:35

a.m. We are only 5 minutes into the

lesson. It is going badly. So, I answer

my own question. People believed in

witches because it made things easier.

People don't just need an enemy. They

need an explanation. And it's often

useful in unsettled times where

ignorance is everywhere for people to

believe in witches. Almost everybody

believed in witches, and there were

witchinders who traveled around the

country finding. There is a sharp pain,

an intensifying of the headache

radiating from my inner brain, causing

me to hesitate dangerously mid-sentence.

The yawning girl on the front row now

looks concerned. Are you all right, sir?

Yes, I've just got a bit of a headache.

I'll be fine. How did they find out if

someone was a witch or not? What did

they do? And the question flaps around

my head like a crow in a darkened room.

What did they do? What did they

do? What did they

do? The witchfinder, the pricker, as his

job was known, was called William

Manning. He was a tall, solid,

square-faced man from London, thinning

hair, but broad- shouldered and strong

with thick butcher's hands. He was half

blind, or appeared to be, on account of

the cataract over his left eye. The

justice of the piece, Mr. Noah, was

dressed in fine clothes, and fancied

himself a

gentleman. William Manning grabbed my

wrist. He had a tough grip. He pointed

with his free hand to a small pink

blotch on my skin, but was careful not

to touch it. The devil spot, Manning

said with grim triumph. Mark there, Mr.

Noah. Mr. Noah looked. I see it most

sinister. I laughed. I was scared. No, I

told him. It's a flea

bite. Manning glowed at me. But then his

attention turned to my mother.

Undress yourself," he said, his voice

quiet and stern. "No," I said. My mother was

was

confused. Then, when she understood, she

said no and insulted them in French.

Manning was an ignorant man masquerading

as a man of learning and had no idea of

the language she was speaking. "Marker,

she speaks like a devil. She's invoking foul

foul

spirits." I stood between Manning and my

mother. Manning pulled out a dagger and

held it at my

throat. Mother

undressed. She cried. I felt my eyes

warm up, too. Fear and guilt. This was

all my fault. The fault of my physical

strangeness, of my body's inability to age.

age.

My mother was naked there by the table

and the tin pottage bowls. And I saw

Manning's eyes feast on her, hating her

for his own

temptation. He stuck the tip of his

dagger against her skin and pricricked

her. First on her shoulder, then her

forearm, then near her navl. Little

bulbs of

blood. Look at the darkness of the

blood, Mr.

Noah. Mr. Noah

looked. The blood was blood color

because it was ordinary human blood. But

Mr. Noah saw something else in it or

imagined he did as he was impressed by

Manning's air of authority. Yes, it is most

most

dark. People only see what they've

decided to see. I've learned this lesson

100 times over, but it was still new to

me then. My mother winced every time

that dagger touched her, but to Manning

she was faking it. See her cunning. Mark

the counterfeit of pain on her face.

She's made some kind of trade. It would

appear. The most unusual death of John

Gford appears to be the price of her

son's eternal

youth. You might imagine that in the

16th century witch trials were a regular

occurrence. They were not. Not really.

They were a rare entertainment and

people came from miles around to watch

and jeer and feel safe in a world where

evil could be explained and found and

killed. William Manning stared at the

darkening sky, his expression severe.

There was something theatrical about

him, as if this was just a show. This

was very much the nature of the times,

this era of Marlo and Johnson and

Shakespeare, everything was theater.

Even justice, even death, especially

that Manning spoke to me, but also the

crowd. He was an actor. He could have

been one of the Lord Chamberlain's

men. Your fate will be decided by your

mother. If she drowns, her innocence

shall be shown, and you shall live. If

she lives and survives the stool, then

you as the progeny of a witch will be

sent to the gallows alongside your

mother and dealt with there. Do you

understand? I stood by my mother on the

grassy bank of the river Lark with my

legs and wrists in irons just as hers

were. She was shaking and shivering like

a wet cat despite the warm day. I wanted

to talk to her to comfort her, but knew

any communication between us would be

seen as a plot or a plan to conjure malevolent

malevolent

forces. Only when they pulled her closer

to the riverbank, closer to the stool,

did words burst out of my mouth. I'm

sorry, mother. It's not your fault. I'm

sorry. It is mine. We should never have

come to this

place. Mother, I love you. I love you,

too. she said, a sudden defiance

bursting fast out of her even as she

cried. I love you, too. You must be

strong. I want you to promise. You must

stay alive. Whatever happens, you must

stay alive. God made you this way for a

purpose. You must find your purpose. Do

you promise to live? I promise, mother. I

promise. They fastened her into the

wooden chair. She wriggled and screamed

as the metal strap was fixed across the

seat. I didn't watch as they raised her

in the air, but when she reached the

highest point, I looked and saw my

mother against that hard blue

sky. Her head dropped and she looked

down at

me. And I can still see those terrified

eyes all these centuries

later. She died because of me.

And I stayed alive because of

her. And for years I regretted the

promise I had [Music]

[Music]

made. Here I am. I'm in the car park.

I've finished my second day at Oakfield

School and I'm in the process of

unlocking my bicycle which is attached

to a metal fence next to the staff car

park. I ride a bike because I've never

trusted cars. I've ridden a bike now for

a hundred years and I think they're one

of the truly great human

inventions. I see the French teacher

head to her car, the one Daphne had told

me about. She's wearing red cotton

trousers and a black polar neck and

shiny patent flat shoes. Her hair is

pulled back, a confident civilized look.

She smiles. Hi there. Oh, hi. I'm

Camille. Camille Geran. I'm French. I

mean, that's my subject. Was also my

nationality too, though. Who lets

nationality define

them? I don't know why, but I say

recklessly. I was born in France. Do you

outdated. She tilts her head back,

recognition. Where have I seen you? It's

probably a doppelganger. I smile. This

conversation can't really go anywhere but

but

trouble. When were you last in France? A

long time ago, I say, doubting she's old

enough to remember me from the 1920s. My

tomorrow. Later at home, Hrik

calls. So, how is London? He

asks. I'm sitting staring at the

Elizabeth and penny I've been carrying

around for centuries. I normally just

keep it in my wallet in its little

sealed polytheine bag, but now I have it

out on my desk. I stare at the fading

coat of arms and remember Marian's fists

tight around it. It's fine and the job.

Are you settling in? Listen, Henrik,

forgive me, but it's getting late here

and I'd really like to go to bed now if

that's it. Could be seen as ungrateful.

You know what? Good. Your recent

attitude. I place the coin back in the

bag and seal it. It's not an attitude.

There's no attitude.

I've been thinking a lot lately about

what? The beginning. When I first met you.

you. 1891.

1891.

Tchaikovski, Harlem, hot dogs,

champagne, all of that. I made every day your

your

birthday. I still could if you weren't

so obsessed with living the most mundane

kind of life on offer. if you could get

over your obsession with finding

Marion. She's my daughter and it's

understandable, but look at what you've

had. Look at the lives I've given you. I

don't mean to be rude, but why are you

calling? I call you when I want to call

you and you answer. Or I will get

worried and you know that you don't want

me to get anxious because then I will

have to do something. Remember 1891,

Tom, keep it in

mind. When the phone call ends, I do

what he instructs. I think back to

1891. I think of that moment when my

life stopped being one thing and started

being another, and I try to understand

it. I was alone by the forge, watching

the metals. It glowed red, then orange.

When I placed it over the anvil to begin

to strike it, I realized someone was standing

standing

there. I can still picture her vividly

the way I first saw her. She looked

about 40 years old, dressed in a long

skirt and blouse, both black, and her

face was shaded by a broadbrimmed hat.

She was wearing a jet black silk eye

patch over her left eye. Hello there.

How can I help you? You will find it is

the other way around.

What do you mean? She shook her head. No

questions. You must come with me. The

next thing I knew, she was pointing a

small wooden pistol straight at my

chest. The heat of the forge often made

being in there a kind of delirium, a

fever dream. For a moment, I thought

this was a waking

dream. "Dr. Hutchinson is dead," she

said. "Murdered."

She let the words stay in the air with

nothing but the sound of the roaring

fire for company. Who buy? You made a

mistake. You should never have gone to

see him about your condition. He had

written a paper on you. It would very

possibly have been published, and that

wouldn't do. Not at all. So, I'm afraid

the society had no other recourse. He

had to die. You killed him? Yes, I

killed him to save lives. Now, come with

me. There's a coach waiting outside.

It's ready to take us to Plymouth. I

don't understand. Who are you? My name

is Agnes. From Plymouth, we head to

America. You will find every answer you

have ever wanted. And she walked out

word. We were on the top floor of the

Dakota building with Central Park spread

beneath us. "I try to pretend it's my

garden," said the tall, lean, bald,

sharpuited man at the window. He held a

cane which he clutched tightly. As much

for show as for his arthritis which

hadn't yet taken him over. It's a very

impressive view, I told him. Yes, and

these buildings grow by the day. Please sit

sit

down. Elegant was the word. There was an

elegant Steinway piano and beside it an

elegant, expensive looking leather sofa,

standing lamps, a mahogany desk, a chandelier.

chandelier.

Agnes made herself comfortable on the

sofa and gestured to a chair near the

desk. Meanwhile, Hrix stayed staring at

Central Park. "How have you survived,

Tom?" He turned to face me. He was old.

I realized if he'd been an ordinary

human, you would have guessed his age at

70. "You have lived such a long

time, and from what I hear, you haven't

been doing so in the best circumstances.

What stopped you from jumping off a

bridge? What drives you? I didn't want

to say the real reason. If Mariam was

alive, I didn't want Hendrickk knowing

about her. I didn't trust anyone. Come

on, we're here to help you. You were

born in a chatau. You were made for fine

things, Tom. We will restore you to that

life and to your

daughter. I felt things contract around

me. my daughter. I read Dr. Hutchinson's

report about

Marion. Don't worry, we will search for

her. I promise you, if she's alive, we

will find her. We will find all of us.

And as new generations emerge, we will

find them,

too. I was scared, but also, I confess,

a little thrilled at the idea that I

could get help in my search for Marion.

I felt suddenly less alone. There was a

decanter of whiskey on his desk and

three glasses. He poured a round of

whiskey without asking if we wanted one.

As it happened, I did to calm my nerves.

He sat down behind the vast mahogany

desk. Pleasure. That is the aim, isn't

it? To enjoy the finer

things. There is no other meaning than

that I've discovered. There is nothing else.

else.

Love, I

said. Hendrick smiled at Agnes. When the

smile returned to me, there was a menace

to it. I have no idea why you took it

upon yourself to visit a doctor about

your condition. Maybe you thought now

superstitions like witchcraft aren't so

prevalent that it was a safe time to do

so. I thought it would help people,

people like us, to have a medical

explanation. I'm sure Agnes has already

indicated why this was naive. A little,

yes. The truth is this. There is more

danger now than there ever has been.

Scientists, he said the word as if it

tasted of sulfur. Are the new

witchinders. You know about

witchfinders, don't you? I know you

do. He knows about witchfinders. Assured Agnes.

Agnes.

Your daughter could be in danger. We all

could. We need to work together. You

understand? I

do. Who is Oh my. Sorry. Dr. Hutchinson

wrote about him from the South Pacific.

Who is he? I laughed

nervously. It was strange having someone

know your biggest

secret. He was an old friend. I knew him

back in the last century. He came to

London for a while, but he doesn't want

to be found. I haven't seen him in over

a hundred

years. Fine, he said.

Fine. Then Hendrickk opened his jacket

and pulled out two beige tickets from

the inside pocket. He handed me

one.Chaikovski tonight. The Chamber

Music Hall. Hottest ticket in town. You

need to see the bigger picture, Tom. all

this time alive and you still can't see

it, but you will. You will. For the sake

of your daughter, for the sake of

yourself. Trust me, you will." He leaned

in and grinned. "And if not, well, you

might find yourself out of time altogether."

altogether."

I realized even at the time that the

visit to the chamber music hall was all

part of the sales technique, Hendrick's

way of getting me inside. Not only would

he find my daughter, I would have a good

life in the process. I didn't yet

understand what I was really being sold,

but by the time that became clear, I had

already bought in. I had been sold in

reality since he first mentioned Marian.

But now I was starting to believe Hrik's

hype that the Albatross Society was a

way not just to find my daughter but also

also

myself. The next day in Hendrick's

apartment as we finished our champagne

breakfast, the conversation happened.

The one I always think of. The first

rule is that you don't fall in love, he

said, wiping a waffle crumb off the

table with his finger before lighting a cigar.

cigar.

There are other rules too, but that is

the main one. No falling in love, no

staying in love, no daydreaming of love.

If you stick to this, you will just

about be

okay. I stared through the curving smoke

of his cigar. I doubt I will ever love

again. Good.

You are of course allowed to love food

and music and champagne and rare sunny

afternoons in October. You can love the

sight of waterfalls and the smell of old

books, but the love of people is off

limits. Do you hear me?

Don't attach yourself to people and try

to feel as little as you possibly can

for those you do meet because otherwise

you will slowly lose your

mind. He paused for a while. 8 years,

that's a rule. That's the most an Alba

can stay anywhere before things get

really tricky. That's the 8-year rule.

You have a nice life for 8 years, then I

send you on a task, and then you have a

new life with no

ghosts. I believed him. How could I not?

Hadn't I lost myself after

Rose? Wasn't I still in a sense waiting

to find myself

again? A nice life, maybe it was

possible with a structure, with

something to belong to.

with a

purpose. How do you see yourself, Tom?

Are you someone who watches life or

someone who

participates? Both, I suppose. Watching,

participating. He nodded. What are you

capable of? Where have you been

morally? What have you done? How many

lines have you crossed?

Why are you asking me that? Because

within the structure of the rules, you

need to be

free. What do we need to be free to do? He

smiled. We live long lives, Tom. We live

long lives. Long and secret

[Music]

Bow near London

1599. I had been walking near

continuously for 3 days. I've been told

that if I was heading into London, I

would pass by the Green Goose Fair at

Fairfield Road in Bow, and there would

be food there and various madness. And

now here I was. It was chaos. There were

so many people, so many strangers.

Laughter flapped out of people like bats

from a cave. A girl, no more than 10,

carrying a basket full of cherries.

Roast goose stalls on both sides of the

road. Lame beggars. a woman coming in

close to a random stranger, grabbing

between his legs and whispering a

drunken offer. I walked over towards one

of the goose stalls. I stood there

inhaling the roast meat. How much is the

goose? Three shillings, lad. I didn't

have any money at all. I staggered

backwards, stood on a man's foot, and

that is when things began to spin.

Mammo, I muttered deliriously. mammal. I

felt like I could die. And in that

moment, I was perfectly fine with that.

But then I saw her. She was standing

holding a basket of fruit, frowning at

me. She was about my age, but looked it.

She had long dark hair and eyes that

shone like pebbles in a

stream. I walked towards her, staring in

wonder at the plums and damsons in the

basket. Can I have a plum? I asked her.

She held open her palm. I don't I I

closed my eyes. I wobbled a little as

the street sped in circles. "Steady

thyself," said the fruit seller. Those

were her first words to me. But I

couldn't steady

myself. Things went very light and then

very dark. The next thing I knew was

that I was lying flat on my front, half

my face in a muddy puddle, surrounded by

plums and damsons. Most of them were in

the mud, too. I slowly got to my feet.

The girl was scrabbling around on her

knees trying to salvage any plums she

could. "I'm sorry," I said. I picked up

a muddy plum and walked away. "Oh, hey.

Oh, you." She grabbed my shoulder. Her

nostrils were flaring with rage. "Look

what you've done." I thought I was going

to faint again and decided to keep

moving so I didn't do any more damage.

Stop walking. You can't just walk away.

I bit into the muddied plum. She grabbed

it out of my hand, fast as a bird, and

threw it on the ground. That basket was

a week's money, a good week. Now I have

to pay Mr. Sharp for fruit I never sold.

Mr. Sharp, so you can pay me now. I have

no money. She was red-faced with

humiliation and anger. That, she said,

pointing to the loot on my back. Give me

that. That can be your payment. No. She

picked up a rock. Well, I shall break it

then, the way you broke my basket. I

raised my hands. No, no. She must have

seen something in my face that made her

think twice. You have no food, but

you're worried about a

loot. It was my mother's. Her face

softened, went from anger back to

confusion. Where is your mother? She

died 3 days ago. She nodded. Death was

nothing remarkable. So, who do you have?

I have myself. And where do you live?

Nowhere now. Do you play? She pointed to

the loot on my back. I do. Then she said

resolutely. You will come and live with

us. A young girl came and stood next to

her with an identical but unbroken

basket. It was the cherry cellar I'd

seen further along the street. Sisters

clearly the same dark hair and fierce

stare. This is Grace, the older girl

explained. and I am Rose

Claybrook. And that is how my second life

life

began. They lived on Well Lane in the

village of Hackne. Their cottage was a

timber and plaster affair. It was

nothing at all to what I'd known in

France, but it was a more advanced kind

of lodging to the one I'd known in

Edwardstone. This is my house, Rose

explained. And the lease has passed to

me now. My parents have died. So, so

long as you live here, you must live by

my rules. And the first rule is that

you'll pay us what you owe. And after

that, you can pay us two shillings a

week as long as you stay here and help

us fetch the

water as long as you stay here. But if

you cause any mischief, if you bring us

into any disrepute, and if you refuse to

pay, you'll be out on your ass covered

in said little Grace. Sorry, Tom.

Grace is her name, not a description.

I like these two. They were a comfort

amid the silent howl of

grief. Bankside in those days was made

up of liberties. A liberty was a

designated area outside the city walls

where normal laws didn't apply. In fact,

no laws applied. Anything went. Any kind

of trade could be pied. Any

entertainment was allowed, however

disreputable. prostitution, bear

baiting, street performance, theater,

you name it, it was

there. Playing music in public in both

France and here in England was something

you didn't do if you were from a noble background. For the son of a French

background. For the son of a French count and countest to be there, playing

count and countest to be there, playing music in the least cubrious part of

music in the least cubrious part of Bankside would have been something of a

Bankside would have been something of a disgrace. And yet I played. At the end

disgrace. And yet I played. At the end of the first day, I had made enough to

of the first day, I had made enough to pay for the basket of fruit. By the end

pay for the basket of fruit. By the end of the week, I'd paid for a new basket.

of the week, I'd paid for a new basket. I had duly paid my first two weeks

I had duly paid my first two weeks lodging. By the following Tuesday, and

lodging. By the following Tuesday, and from that moment on, I was an equal in

from that moment on, I was an equal in the cottage and part of the

the cottage and part of the family. One evening, around the

family. One evening, around the beginning of autumn, Rose came into my

beginning of autumn, Rose came into my room. She sat on the bed and asked if I

room. She sat on the bed and asked if I could teach her to play the loot. She

could teach her to play the loot. She said if I taught her how to play, she

said if I taught her how to play, she would lower the rent by 5.

would lower the rent by 5. I said yes, not so much because of the

I said yes, not so much because of the rent, but because I welcomed the excuse

rent, but because I welcomed the excuse to sit next to her a while. I got her to

to sit next to her a while. I got her to play two strings back and forth,

play two strings back and forth, plucking at a quickening pace along with

plucking at a quickening pace along with my

my heart. Music is about time, I told her.

heart. Music is about time, I told her. It's about controlling

It's about controlling time. When she stopped playing, she

time. When she stopped playing, she looked thoughtful for a moment and said

looked thoughtful for a moment and said something like, I sometimes want to stop

something like, I sometimes want to stop time. I sometimes want in a happy moment

time. I sometimes want in a happy moment for a church bell never to ring again.

for a church bell never to ring again. But we're all at the mercy of time.

But we're all at the mercy of time. We're all the strings, aren't

We're all the strings, aren't we? Rose was too good for picking fruit.

we? Rose was too good for picking fruit. Rose was a philosopher. Really? She was

Rose was a philosopher. Really? She was the wisest person I ever

the wisest person I ever knew. I want you to stay, Tom. Oh, Grace

knew. I want you to stay, Tom. Oh, Grace likes having you

likes having you here. And I do,

here. And I do, too. Very much

too. Very much so. Well, I like being here.

so. Well, I like being here. Good. A moment of

Good. A moment of stillness. Bird

stillness. Bird song. Have you ever been kissed, Tom? A

song. Have you ever been kissed, Tom? A proper

proper kiss. My silence was the embarrassing

kiss. My silence was the embarrassing answer. A kiss, she said, is like

answer. A kiss, she said, is like music. It stops time.

music. It stops time. If you feel for someone, just one single

If you feel for someone, just one single kiss can stop the sparrows, they say. Do

kiss can stop the sparrows, they say. Do you think that can

you think that can happen? And she placed the loot beside

happen? And she placed the loot beside her on the bed and kissed me. And I

her on the bed and kissed me. And I closed my eyes, and the rest of the

closed my eyes, and the rest of the world

world faded. There was nothing

faded. There was nothing else. Nothing but

her. I had been playing the loot in Soduk all summer and into the autumn. I

Soduk all summer and into the autumn. I often worked late till after they closed

often worked late till after they closed the city gates and had to walk the long

the city gates and had to walk the long way home, which could take over an

way home, which could take over an hour. Now the weather had turned and the

hour. Now the weather had turned and the crowds were thinning out. I went around

crowds were thinning out. I went around all the inns asking for work, but they

all the inns asking for work, but they didn't have any room for me. Being an in

didn't have any room for me. Being an in musician was seen as a far better thing

musician was seen as a far better thing than to be a random street performer.

than to be a random street performer. The trouble was, though, that there was

The trouble was, though, that there was a band of musicians, Pembrook's men, who

a band of musicians, Pembrook's men, who had the market pretty much sewn up. And

had the market pretty much sewn up. And having heard I was after a job, one of

having heard I was after a job, one of them, a giant bearded fiddler, known

them, a giant bearded fiddler, known locally as Woolston the tree, on account

locally as Woolston the tree, on account of his size, came up to me outside the

of his size, came up to me outside the cardinal's hat just as it was getting

cardinal's hat just as it was getting dark. He grabbed me by the neck and

dark. He grabbed me by the neck and slammed me hard against a wall. "Leave

slammed me hard against a wall. "Leave him be," said Elsa, a friendly

him be," said Elsa, a friendly flame-haired prostitute I always spoke

flame-haired prostitute I always spoke to on the way home. "Shut up, Wench."

to on the way home. "Shut up, Wench." Then he turned to me. You ain't playing

Then he turned to me. You ain't playing music in any in this side of Bishop's

music in any in this side of Bishop's gay lad. He grabbed the neck of the

gay lad. He grabbed the neck of the loot. Get off that. I'm going to break

loot. Get off that. I'm going to break this first and then your fingers. He

this first and then your fingers. He swung the loot high behind him, ready to

swung the loot high behind him, ready to swing it and smash it against the wall.

swing it and smash it against the wall. Then came a voice, a grand, deep

Then came a voice, a grand, deep theatrical kind of voice. Stop there,

theatrical kind of voice. Stop there, Woolston. It was Richard Burbage, who

Woolston. It was Richard Burbage, who even I knew was the most famous actor in

even I knew was the most famous actor in London. He was quite formidable looking

London. He was quite formidable looking at the time. He was not an Errol Flynn

at the time. He was not an Errol Flynn or a Tyrone Power or a Paul Newman or a

or a Tyrone Power or a Paul Newman or a Ryan Gosling. His hair was thin and

Ryan Gosling. His hair was thin and mousy and his face as lumpy and

mousy and his face as lumpy and misshapen as Rembrandt. But he had

misshapen as Rembrandt. But he had something else, something Elizabethans

something else, something Elizabethans recognized in a way people in the 21st

recognized in a way people in the 21st century no longer do. an

century no longer do. an aura, something strong and

aura, something strong and metaphysical, a soul sense, a presence,

metaphysical, a soul sense, a presence, a

a power. A splendid evening to you, Mr.

power. A splendid evening to you, Mr. Burbage, sir, said the tree, lowering

Burbage, sir, said the tree, lowering the loot. But not, it would appear, to

the loot. But not, it would appear, to everyone, said

everyone, said Burbage. I noticed the other two men.

Burbage. I noticed the other two men. One was as round as a barrel, and with

One was as round as a barrel, and with an impressive beard, neater than

an impressive beard, neater than Woolston's. He was sneering so

Woolston's. He was sneering so dramatically I guessed he was another

dramatically I guessed he was another actor. He seemed quite drunk. The third

actor. He seemed quite drunk. The third man was slim and quite handsome, albeit

man was slim and quite handsome, albeit with a small mouth and long hair combed

with a small mouth and long hair combed back ill

back ill advisedly. "Fi, look at this. Hell is

advisedly. "Fi, look at this. Hell is empty and all the devils are here on

empty and all the devils are here on bankside," he said in a resigned but

bankside," he said in a resigned but bitter kind of way.

bitter kind of way. Shakespeare, for it was he, smiled the

Shakespeare, for it was he, smiled the smallest of smiles. "Give me my loot," I

smallest of smiles. "Give me my loot," I told Woolston, and this time he knew the

told Woolston, and this time he knew the night was against him. He placed the

night was against him. He placed the loot in my hands and sloped off.

loot in my hands and sloped off. Shakespeare came over to me. Woolston is

Shakespeare came over to me. Woolston is a beast. Yes, Mr.

a beast. Yes, Mr. Shakespeare. He smelled of ale and

Shakespeare. He smelled of ale and tobacco and cloves. It is a shame to see

tobacco and cloves. It is a shame to see the tree being himself.

the tree being himself. So, lad, do you play well? I suppose,

So, lad, do you play well? I suppose, sir, he leaned in closer. How old are

sir, he leaned in closer. How old are you? 16, sir, I said, keeping my age

you? 16, sir, I said, keeping my age consistent with what Rose thought. You

consistent with what Rose thought. You look 2 years less than that at least,

look 2 years less than that at least, but also 2 years more. Your face is a

but also 2 years more. Your face is a riddle. I have 16 years, sir. No matter.

riddle. I have 16 years, sir. No matter. No matter. He wobbled slightly and

No matter. He wobbled slightly and rested his hand on my chest as if for

rested his hand on my chest as if for support. He was as drunk as the others,

support. He was as drunk as the others, I realized, but he straightened himself

I realized, but he straightened himself up. We, the shareholders of the Lord

up. We, the shareholders of the Lord Chamberlain's men, are currently looking

Chamberlain's men, are currently looking for

for musicians. I have written a new play, As

musicians. I have written a new play, As You Like It, and it requires music.

You Like It, and it requires music. There are a lot of songs, and we need a

There are a lot of songs, and we need a loot. You see, we had a lutist, but the

loot. You see, we had a lutist, but the pox has taken

pox has taken him. I stared at Shakespeare. His eyes

him. I stared at Shakespeare. His eyes contained two golden fires reflecting a

contained two golden fires reflecting a nearby burning

nearby burning torch. Play now, he said, nodding at the

torch. Play now, he said, nodding at the loot. Now, while the iron is

loot. Now, while the iron is hot. So I closed my eyes and played a

hot. So I closed my eyes and played a tune I'd recently been playing and

tune I'd recently been playing and thought of Rose as I did

thought of Rose as I did so. All the day the sun that lends me

so. All the day the sun that lends me shine by frowns do cause me

shine by frowns do cause me pine and feeds me with

pine and feeds me with delay. A smiles my springs that makes my

delay. A smiles my springs that makes my joys to grow.

joys to grow. her frowns, the winters of my

woe. When I stopped singing, I looked at the four faces staring silently at me.

the four faces staring silently at me. "You play well," said Shakespeare. "Be

"You play well," said Shakespeare. "Be at the Globe Theater tomorrow,

at the Globe Theater tomorrow, 11:00. 12 shillings a week.

[Music] 12 shillings a week. Rose couldn't

12 shillings a week. Rose couldn't believe it. It was morning. We were out

believe it. It was morning. We were out fetching water before work. Yes. 12

fetching water before work. Yes. 12 shillings a week. Working for Mr.

shillings a week. Working for Mr. Shakespeare. The Lord Chamberlain's men.

Shakespeare. The Lord Chamberlain's men. Yes, Tom. That is joy. She hugged me

Yes, Tom. That is joy. She hugged me like a sister. more than a sister. And

like a sister. more than a sister. And then a cloud of sadness fell across her

then a cloud of sadness fell across her face as she picked up her bucket again.

face as she picked up her bucket again. What? I expect we won't be seeing much

What? I expect we won't be seeing much more of you then. Your life will be too

more of you then. Your life will be too colorful for a dull market girl. You're

colorful for a dull market girl. You're not dull, Rose. And you're not a stair,

not dull, Rose. And you're not a stair, Tom. You ran from France. And you ran

Tom. You ran from France. And you ran from Suffukk. You will run from here.

from Suffukk. You will run from here. You do not settle. Since we kiss, even

You do not settle. Since we kiss, even your eyes fear settling on mine.

your eyes fear settling on mine. Just as we were reaching the cottage, we

Just as we were reaching the cottage, we saw a woman Rose knew from White Chapel

saw a woman Rose knew from White Chapel Market. Mary Peters. Mary kept on

Market. Mary Peters. Mary kept on walking down Well Lane towards us. Rose,

walking down Well Lane towards us. Rose, I noticed, seemed to tighten a little at

I noticed, seemed to tighten a little at the sight of her. Good morning, Mary.

the sight of her. Good morning, Mary. Mary smiled briefly. She looked at me.

Mary smiled briefly. She looked at me. Is this your Tom? Yes. Yes, it is. Rose

Is this your Tom? Yes. Yes, it is. Rose blushed a little. Mary nodded, took it

blushed a little. Mary nodded, took it in. I shall see you

in. I shall see you later. Rose said that she'd come to the

later. Rose said that she'd come to the area a few years ago and was a very

area a few years ago and was a very private person. She's a kind woman, but

private person. She's a kind woman, but she is a mystery, much as you are. We

she is a mystery, much as you are. We kissed and I closed my eyes and inhaled

kissed and I closed my eyes and inhaled lavender and her, and I felt so

lavender and her, and I felt so terrified and so in love that I realized

terrified and so in love that I realized that they, the terror, the love, were

that they, the terror, the love, were one and the same thing.

One Thursday, I came home and found Grace crying and Rose hugging her. It

Grace crying and Rose hugging her. It turned out that Mr. Willow had given

turned out that Mr. Willow had given their space in the market to a woman who

their space in the market to a woman who gave him sexual favors. He tried it on

gave him sexual favors. He tried it on with Rose, too, and had strong words for

with Rose, too, and had strong words for both her and Grace. It'll be all right.

both her and Grace. It'll be all right. We can still work there, just not in the

We can still work there, just not in the spot we had. I felt such rage. A burning

spot we had. I felt such rage. A burning anger devoured me. The next day, before

anger devoured me. The next day, before heading to Soduk, I went to the market,

heading to Soduk, I went to the market, and I found Mr. Willow. and in my

and I found Mr. Willow. and in my juvenile stupidity ended up hitting him

juvenile stupidity ended up hitting him and shoving him into the spice stall. He

and shoving him into the spice stall. He fell in an orange cloud of exotic new

fell in an orange cloud of exotic new world

world aromas. Grace and Rose were now banned

aromas. Grace and Rose were now banned from the market completely, and it was

from the market completely, and it was only the knowledge that we knew about

only the knowledge that we knew about his desire for sexual favors that

his desire for sexual favors that prevented him from taking further action

prevented him from taking further action against us. Rose cursed my

against us. Rose cursed my hot-headedness, even as she fired back

hot-headedness, even as she fired back her own in my direction. It was our

her own in my direction. It was our first argument. I remember the fury more

first argument. I remember the fury more than the words. I remember her worry

than the words. I remember her worry about what she would tell Mr. Sharp. We

about what she would tell Mr. Sharp. We can't just pick fruit, Tom. We have to

can't just pick fruit, Tom. We have to sell it. Where will we sell it? I will

sell it. Where will we sell it? I will mend this. I broke this. I will mend it,

mend this. I broke this. I will mend it, Rose. I

Rose. I promise. The night I told Rose that she

promise. The night I told Rose that she and Grace could work at the Globe

and Grace could work at the Globe because Mr. Shakespeare made it so. Was

because Mr. Shakespeare made it so. Was a happy one. We sat all night laughing

a happy one. We sat all night laughing and singing and eating pies from Old

and singing and eating pies from Old Street and drinking more ale than usual.

Street and drinking more ale than usual. conversation turned to how Grace was

conversation turned to how Grace was looking more like a woman. And then

looking more like a woman. And then Grace said to me in the straight as an

Grace said to me in the straight as an arrow, truthful way that was the essence

arrow, truthful way that was the essence of Grace, "I'll pass you by soon." And

of Grace, "I'll pass you by soon." And she laughed because she'd drunk too much

she laughed because she'd drunk too much ale. But Rose didn't

ale. But Rose didn't laugh. It's true. You haven't aged a

laugh. It's true. You haven't aged a day. "It's cuz I'm happy," I said

day. "It's cuz I'm happy," I said weakly. "I have no worries to line my

weakly. "I have no worries to line my face, though, of course, the reality was

face, though, of course, the reality was that I had a sea of them. But it would

that I had a sea of them. But it would be decades before a single line

be decades before a single line appeared. I used to watch Rose between

appeared. I used to watch Rose between the musical interludes, and she used to

the musical interludes, and she used to observe me too in the

observe me too in the gallery. What was it about those silent

gallery. What was it about those silent exchanges in a crowded place? There was

exchanges in a crowded place? There was a magic to them, like a secret

a magic to them, like a secret shared. The crowds, however, seemed to

shared. The crowds, however, seemed to be getting rowdier as the season went

be getting rowdier as the season went on. On opening night, with the queen and

on. On opening night, with the queen and her court in attendance, there hadn't

her court in attendance, there hadn't been a single scuffle. Towards the

been a single scuffle. Towards the season's end, there was always at any

season's end, there was always at any time some skirmish going on amid the

time some skirmish going on amid the groundlings in the pit. Once, for

groundlings in the pit. Once, for instance, a man sliced another man's ear

instance, a man sliced another man's ear off with an oyster shell over one of the

off with an oyster shell over one of the prostitutes who was always there. I

prostitutes who was always there. I worried about the girls being down

worried about the girls being down there, while I was safely up in the

there, while I was safely up in the rarified air of the gallery, but

rarified air of the gallery, but generally they were all right, and

generally they were all right, and enjoyed selling four times as much fruit

enjoyed selling four times as much fruit as they would have sold at White Chapel

as they would have sold at White Chapel Market.

Market. But then one afternoon under a sky full

But then one afternoon under a sky full of stone gray

of stone gray rainclouds,

rainclouds, trouble. I was midway through the tune

trouble. I was midway through the tune of what shall he have that killed the

of what shall he have that killed the deer when I noticed something. Someone

deer when I noticed something. Someone had stolen a pippin from Grace and was

had stolen a pippin from Grace and was biting into it as she asked him for the

biting into it as she asked him for the penny it cost. He tried to batter away

penny it cost. He tried to batter away like a fly, but Grace was Grace, so she

like a fly, but Grace was Grace, so she stood her ground. She was shouting words

stood her ground. She was shouting words I couldn't hear, but knowing Grace, I

I couldn't hear, but knowing Grace, I could guess them. As she was standing in

could guess them. As she was standing in the way of another man, she was now

the way of another man, she was now getting into broader bother. This man

getting into broader bother. This man pushed Grace to the floor, sending her

pushed Grace to the floor, sending her apples flying to the ground amid the

apples flying to the ground amid the sand and the nut and oyster shells,

sand and the nut and oyster shells, triggering a memory of all those

triggering a memory of all those scattered plums on Fairfield

scattered plums on Fairfield Road. Grace got to her feet, and the

Road. Grace got to her feet, and the first man, the apple thief, then grabbed

first man, the apple thief, then grabbed her and made a gargoyle of his face,

her and made a gargoyle of his face, shoving his tongue in her ear. I had, by

shoving his tongue in her ear. I had, by this point, stopped playing. I spied

this point, stopped playing. I spied Rose, leaving her basket and rushing

Rose, leaving her basket and rushing back through the pit. She reached Grace,

back through the pit. She reached Grace, who was still having trouble with the

who was still having trouble with the earlicker, when the apple thief's

earlicker, when the apple thief's companion made a grab at her, pulling up

companion made a grab at her, pulling up her skirt and reaching his hand beneath

her skirt and reaching his hand beneath it. I didn't know what happened next

it. I didn't know what happened next because I was climbing over the oakwood

because I was climbing over the oakwood rail of the balcony, holding my loot

rail of the balcony, holding my loot like a club, and to the sound of a

like a club, and to the sound of a thousand gasps, jumping down onto the

thousand gasps, jumping down onto the stage. I landed on top of Will Kemp,

stage. I landed on top of Will Kemp, then shouldered past a shocked

then shouldered past a shocked Shakespeare himself as I lunged forward

Shakespeare himself as I lunged forward and leapt off the stage to reach Rose

and leapt off the stage to reach Rose and Grace. I ran around the side of the

and Grace. I ran around the side of the pit and pushed my way through as nuts

pit and pushed my way through as nuts and ale and apples were thrown in my

and ale and apples were thrown in my direction from the angry crowd. The play

direction from the angry crowd. The play went on behind me, as the play always

went on behind me, as the play always did, but I doubt if even those in the

did, but I doubt if even those in the five penny seats could hear a word that

five penny seats could hear a word that was being said. Such was the commotion

was being said. Such was the commotion now in the pit and around the benches.

now in the pit and around the benches. Even in the balconies, people were

Even in the balconies, people were roaring and jeering and raining their

roaring and jeering and raining their theater food down on

theater food down on me. Rose was fine now. She'd broken free

me. Rose was fine now. She'd broken free of her leerous asalent, and between us,

of her leerous asalent, and between us, we managed to get Grace free. I grabbed

we managed to get Grace free. I grabbed the sister's hands and urged them, "We

the sister's hands and urged them, "We have to go." But there was potentially

have to go." But there was potentially an even bigger problem now. One of the

an even bigger problem now. One of the men from the expensive seats was now

men from the expensive seats was now standing in our path as we tried to get

standing in our path as we tried to get out of the theater. He stood tall and

out of the theater. He stood tall and strong and solid, better dressed than

strong and solid, better dressed than I'd seen him last. "So said Manning,

I'd seen him last. "So said Manning, looking down at me with his one good

looking down at me with his one good eye. You made it to London. How long is

eye. You made it to London. How long is it since I saw you last? It seems only

it since I saw you last? It seems only yesterday. You haven't changed in the

yesterday. You haven't changed in the slightest. But then you don't, do you? I

slightest. But then you don't, do you? I see you've made some friends." "No," I

see you've made some friends." "No," I said, as if a word could cancel a

said, as if a word could cancel a reality.

reality. He surveyed a confused Grace and rose.

He surveyed a confused Grace and rose. "No, they're not my friends," I said,

"No, they're not my friends," I said, determined he knew as little about the

determined he knew as little about the sisters as possible or their connection

sisters as possible or their connection to me. "I've never seen them before this

to me. "I've never seen them before this day." I gestured with my eyes for Rose

day." I gestured with my eyes for Rose to leave, but she wouldn't. Ah, and

to leave, but she wouldn't. Ah, and still he lies. Well, be aware of this,

still he lies. Well, be aware of this, girls, for he's not what he seems. is an

girls, for he's not what he seems. is an unnatural malevolence,

unnatural malevolence, incarnate, a witch's boy. My mother died

incarnate, a witch's boy. My mother died an innocent woman. She died because of

an innocent woman. She died because of you. Her last charm for all God knows.

you. Her last charm for all God knows. Perhaps she changed form. Perhaps she

Perhaps she changed form. Perhaps she stands among us now. He stared at Rose,

stands among us now. He stared at Rose, then Grace. The crowd around us was

then Grace. The crowd around us was becoming still, but watching Manning

becoming still, but watching Manning more than the stage. So I implored Rose,

more than the stage. So I implored Rose, "We must leave.

"We must leave. I will kill thee 150 ways. Therefore,

I will kill thee 150 ways. Therefore, tremble and

tremble and depart. But then even the actors fell

depart. But then even the actors fell quiet as Manning grabbed a handful of

quiet as Manning grabbed a handful of Grace's hair. This one? Manning shouted.

Grace's hair. This one? Manning shouted. How many years is she? She looks like a

How many years is she? She looks like a child, but we know of other deceptions,

child, but we know of other deceptions, don't we? Grace punched him hard in the

don't we? Grace punched him hard in the groin. But it seemed no good. The crowd

groin. But it seemed no good. The crowd was with Manning and against us.

was with Manning and against us. Accusations of witchcraft and devilry

Accusations of witchcraft and devilry would follow. I had endangered Rose and

would follow. I had endangered Rose and Grace. The only thing that could have

Grace. The only thing that could have saved us right at that moment was the

saved us right at that moment was the one thing that

one thing that did. Pray. Get thy hands off that young

did. Pray. Get thy hands off that young girl. It was Shakespeare himself. Front

girl. It was Shakespeare himself. Front of stage and out of character, Manning

of stage and out of character, Manning held on. I am William Manning. I am the

held on. I am William Manning. I am the I care not, said Shakespeare. These

I care not, said Shakespeare. These players care not. This globe cares not.

players care not. This globe cares not. Unhand her and free her and her friends

Unhand her and free her and her friends before we end this play. The threat of

before we end this play. The threat of no more of the performance was enough.

no more of the performance was enough. Even then it was clear that the masses

Even then it was clear that the masses wanted something far more than justice.

wanted something far more than justice. They wanted entertainment, and

They wanted entertainment, and Shakespeare knew that as well as anyone.

Shakespeare knew that as well as anyone. The whole theater was now jeering at

The whole theater was now jeering at William Manning. Oyster shells were

William Manning. Oyster shells were flung at his reening face. He let go of

flung at his reening face. He let go of Grace. We clutched onto her as we made

Grace. We clutched onto her as we made our way towards the side of the

our way towards the side of the building, our feet crunching the

building, our feet crunching the detritus in the

detritus in the sand. I knew we could never return to

sand. I knew we could never return to the globe or bankside ever

the globe or bankside ever [Music]

again. Hackne, the conversation headed where I

Hackne, the conversation headed where I knew it would. Manning said your mother

knew it would. Manning said your mother was a witch. What was his meaning? He

was a witch. What was his meaning? He must have been confused. He must have

must have been confused. He must have mistaken me for somebody else. Rose's

mistaken me for somebody else. Rose's green eyes glared at me, alive with

green eyes glared at me, alive with quiet fury. Do you take me for a fool,

quiet fury. Do you take me for a fool, Tom? Grace was now asleep in her room,

Tom? Grace was now asleep in her room, so I kept my voice low but urgent. You

so I kept my voice low but urgent. You need to find someone else. Look at me.

need to find someone else. Look at me. Look at me, Rose. I'm too young for you.

Look at me, Rose. I'm too young for you. Two years, Tom. That's not such a

Two years, Tom. That's not such a difference. The difference will grow.

difference. The difference will grow. She looked confused. How can it? What

She looked confused. How can it? What can you mean, Tom? How can a difference

can you mean, Tom? How can a difference grow? You're not making sense. I'm no

grow? You're not making sense. I'm no use to you now. I can't go back to

use to you now. I can't go back to Suffach. Use

Suffach. Use use. You have my heart, Tom. I exhaled

use. You have my heart, Tom. I exhaled heavily. I wanted to sigh away

heavily. I wanted to sigh away reality. I wanted the tear that was in

reality. I wanted the tear that was in her eye never to fall. I wanted her to

her eye never to fall. I wanted her to hate me. I wanted not to love

hate me. I wanted not to love her. Well, he gave it to the wrong

her. Well, he gave it to the wrong person. Tell me about your mother, Tom.

person. Tell me about your mother, Tom. The

The truth. Her eyes wouldn't let me

truth. Her eyes wouldn't let me lie. The reason they killed her is

lie. The reason they killed her is me. What? There is something most

me. What? There is something most strange about me,

strange about me, Rose. What is it? I am not growing

Rose. What is it? I am not growing older. Look at me.

older. Look at me. Time

Time passes, but not on my

passes, but not on my face. I'm in love with you. I am. I

face. I'm in love with you. I am. I truly

truly am. And what use is that? I'm like a boy

am. And what use is that? I'm like a boy trying to climb a tree, but the branches

trying to climb a tree, but the branches keep getting higher and

keep getting higher and higher. She was so dumbfounded by what I

higher. She was so dumbfounded by what I was saying, she could only

was saying, she could only utter, "I'm not a

utter, "I'm not a tree. You will look 50 years old, and I

tree. You will look 50 years old, and I will still look like this.

will still look like this. It is best you leave

It is best you leave me. It is best I

me. It is best I go. It is best

go. It is best I kissed me

I kissed me then simply because she wanted me to

then simply because she wanted me to stop

stop talking. And she could only half believe

talking. And she could only half believe it. For days she thought I was insane.

it. For days she thought I was insane. But as the weeks and months passed by

But as the weeks and months passed by she realized it was true.

she realized it was true. It was something she couldn't

It was something she couldn't comprehend. Yet there it

comprehend. Yet there it was. There it

was. There it was. My

was. My [Music]

truth. Paris, 1928. I was on my own. Walking the long

1928. I was on my own. Walking the long walk home from the grand hotel where I'd

walk home from the grand hotel where I'd been doing my shift, playing the piano

been doing my shift, playing the piano for the rich Americans and Europeans who

for the rich Americans and Europeans who were enjoying tea or cocktails. I needed

were enjoying tea or cocktails. I needed to be around people to mask the

to be around people to mask the loneliness inside myself, so I headed

loneliness inside myself, so I headed into the thronging buzz of Harry's bar.

into the thronging buzz of Harry's bar. I found a place next to a glamorous

I found a place next to a glamorous couple with matching center partings.

couple with matching center partings. The man looked at me and maybe sensed my

The man looked at me and maybe sensed my loneliness.

loneliness. Try the Bloody Mary, he said. What's

Try the Bloody Mary, he said. What's that? It's the thing. A cocktail. Z

that? It's the thing. A cocktail. Z loves it, don't you, sweetheart? The

loves it, don't you, sweetheart? The woman looked at me with sad, heavy eyes.

woman looked at me with sad, heavy eyes. She was either drunk or ready for sleep,

She was either drunk or ready for sleep, or both. They both looked pretty drunk

or both. They both looked pretty drunk now that I thought about it. I ordered

now that I thought about it. I ordered the Bloody Mary. I was surprised to see

the Bloody Mary. I was surprised to see it involved tomato juice. The man held

it involved tomato juice. The man held out his hand. Scott Fitzgerald and this

out his hand. Scott Fitzgerald and this is Zelda. They invented it here, you

is Zelda. They invented it here, you know, said

know, said Zelda. I sipped the strange drink. Did

Zelda. I sipped the strange drink. Did they really? And then Scott said, tell

they really? And then Scott said, tell us what do you do? I play piano at

us what do you do? I play piano at Cherros. As in the Paris churros, he

Cherros. As in the Paris churros, he asked. Rudenu, how wonderful. You win

asked. Rudenu, how wonderful. You win already. Zelda offered me a cigarette

already. Zelda offered me a cigarette and then placed one in Scots mouth and

and then placed one in Scots mouth and another in her own. A kind of wild

another in her own. A kind of wild despair flared suddenly in her eyes as

despair flared suddenly in her eyes as she struck the match. "Grow up or crack

she struck the match. "Grow up or crack up," she said after the first inhale.

up," she said after the first inhale. "The divine choices we have." "If only

"The divine choices we have." "If only we could find a way to stop time," said

we could find a way to stop time," said her husband. "That's what we need to

her husband. "That's what we need to work on. You know, for when a moment of

work on. You know, for when a moment of happiness floats along, we could swing

happiness floats along, we could swing our net and catch it like a butterfly

our net and catch it like a butterfly and have that moment forever.

and have that moment forever. Zelda was now looking across the crowded

Zelda was now looking across the crowded bar. She seemed to be looking for

bar. She seemed to be looking for someone. Oh, look. It's Gertude and

someone. Oh, look. It's Gertude and Alice. And within moments they

Alice. And within moments they disappeared through the packed room with

disappeared through the packed room with their cocktails. Though they made it

their cocktails. Though they made it perfectly clear I could join them, I

perfectly clear I could join them, I stayed there with nothing but vodka and

stayed there with nothing but vodka and tomato juice for company, staying in the

tomato juice for company, staying in the safe shadows of

history. But why couldn't the League of Nations stop Mussolini from entering

Nations stop Mussolini from entering Abiscinia?

Abiscinia? I'm giving a lesson on the causes of the

I'm giving a lesson on the causes of the Second World War. Trying to go back from

Second World War. Trying to go back from 1939 through the 1930s. Talking about

1939 through the 1930s. Talking about Italy taking over Abbiscinia, now

Italy taking over Abbiscinia, now Ethiopia, in 1935, as well as Hitler's

Ethiopia, in 1935, as well as Hitler's rise in 1933, the Spanish Civil War, and

rise in 1933, the Spanish Civil War, and the Great Depression. Well, they tried,

the Great Depression. Well, they tried, but in a really half-hearted way. But

but in a really half-hearted way. But the thing is, at the time, a lot of

the thing is, at the time, a lot of people didn't realize what they were

people didn't realize what they were dealing with. You see, when you look at

dealing with. You see, when you look at events in history, there's a two-way

events in history, there's a two-way perspective, forwards and back. But at

perspective, forwards and back. But at the time, everything is one way. No one

the time, everything is one way. No one knew where fascism was

knew where fascism was heading. During the break, I see Camille

heading. During the break, I see Camille in the corridor. She's talking to

in the corridor. She's talking to Martin, the hopeless music teacher. I

Martin, the hopeless music teacher. I have no idea what they're talking about,

have no idea what they're talking about, but he's making Camille laugh. I feel a

but he's making Camille laugh. I feel a strange unease. And then I walk past and

strange unease. And then I walk past and Martin sees me first and smirks at me as

Martin sees me first and smirks at me as if I amuse him. Hi Tim. You look a bit

if I amuse him. Hi Tim. You look a bit lost. Did they give you a map? Tom, I

lost. Did they give you a map? Tom, I say. My name's Tom. It isn't Tim. It's

say. My name's Tom. It isn't Tim. It's Tom. All right, mate. Easy mistake.

Tom. All right, mate. Easy mistake. Camille is smiling at me. How was your

Camille is smiling at me. How was your lesson? She asks, her eyes on me like a

lesson? She asks, her eyes on me like a detective. A smiling detective, but

detective. A smiling detective, but still a detective. Fine, I say. Listen,

still a detective. Fine, I say. Listen, Tom. Every Thursday, a few of us go to

Tom. Every Thursday, a few of us go to the coach and horses for a couple of

the coach and horses for a couple of drinks. We meet at 7. Me, Martin, Isham,

drinks. We meet at 7. Me, Martin, Isham, Sarah. You should come along. Tell him,

Sarah. You should come along. Tell him, Martin. Martin shrugs. It's a free

Martin. Martin shrugs. It's a free world. Yeah, knock yourself out. Of

world. Yeah, knock yourself out. Of course, there is only one answer I

course, there is only one answer I should give. No. But I'd glance at

should give. No. But I'd glance at Camille and find myself saying, "Yeah,

Camille and find myself saying, "Yeah, okay. Sounds

okay. Sounds good. I like the old stuff." Martin is

good. I like the old stuff." Martin is saying, nodding at his own wisdom before

saying, nodding at his own wisdom before taking a sip of his lara. Hris mainly,

taking a sip of his lara. Hris mainly, but also Dylan, the doors, the stones,

but also Dylan, the doors, the stones, you know, stuff before we were born,

you know, stuff before we were born, before everything was

before everything was commercialized. Every era is clogged

commercialized. Every era is clogged with martins, and they are all

with martins, and they are all

I can remember a Martin called Richard who used to stand right near the stage

who used to stand right near the stage at the Manurva Inn in Plymouth in the

at the Manurva Inn in Plymouth in the 1760s, shaking his head at every tune I

1760s, shaking his head at every tune I played, whispering to the poor

played, whispering to the poor prostitute on his knee about my terrible

prostitute on his knee about my terrible taste in music. Anything modern? Camille

taste in music. Anything modern? Camille asks him. He takes a quick micro glance

asks him. He takes a quick micro glance at her chest, then up to her eyes. Not

at her chest, then up to her eyes. Not really. No one you'd have heard of. That

really. No one you'd have heard of. That is possibly true. After all, I am from

is possibly true. After all, I am from France. We don't have music there.

France. We don't have music there. Literally none. Her gentle sarcasm is

Literally none. Her gentle sarcasm is lost. Or maybe he didn't hear her, but I

lost. Or maybe he didn't hear her, but I like it. Martin turns to me. What about

like it. Martin turns to me. What about you then? You into music a little. Do

you then? You into music a little. Do you play anything music-wise? Camille

you play anything music-wise? Camille asks me, frowning as if there is more to

asks me, frowning as if there is more to the question than it

the question than it seems. I shrug. It would be easy to lie,

seems. I shrug. It would be easy to lie, but it falls out of me. Bit of guitar,

but it falls out of me. Bit of guitar, little bit of piano.

little bit of piano. Sarah, the sports teacher, points over

Sarah, the sports teacher, points over to the corner of the room. They got a

to the corner of the room. They got a piano in here. You know, they let people

piano in here. You know, they let people play. I stare at the piano. I hadn't

play. I stare at the piano. I hadn't noticed it when I walked in. Now I'm

noticed it when I walked in. Now I'm fine. Martin, sensing my awkwardness in

fine. Martin, sensing my awkwardness in front of Camille, pushes it a little

front of Camille, pushes it a little further. No, go on, Tom. I had a go last

further. No, go on, Tom. I had a go last Thursday. Have a go. Camille looks at me

Thursday. Have a go. Camille looks at me sympathetically. He doesn't have to if

sympathetically. He doesn't have to if he doesn't want to. Well, I find myself

he doesn't want to. Well, I find myself saying, it's been a

saying, it's been a while. I don't want her to pity me, so

while. I don't want her to pity me, so maybe it is for that reason that I stand

maybe it is for that reason that I stand up and walk over to the scratched and

up and walk over to the scratched and well-worn upright piano, passing the

well-worn upright piano, passing the only other customers in the place. Three

only other customers in the place. Three gray-haired friends staring in the

gray-haired friends staring in the timeless, mute sorrow of old men at

timeless, mute sorrow of old men at their half-drunk pints of

their half-drunk pints of bitter. I sit down on the stool, and the

bitter. I sit down on the stool, and the room falls quiet with expectation. I

room falls quiet with expectation. I play the first thing that comes to mind.

play the first thing that comes to mind. Green sleeves. Martin's laughter flaps

Green sleeves. Martin's laughter flaps into my head, but I keep going. Green

into my head, but I keep going. Green sleeves blurs into Under the Greenwood

sleeves blurs into Under the Greenwood Tree, which makes me pine for Marian.

Tree, which makes me pine for Marian. And so I move on to a bit of list, and

And so I move on to a bit of list, and by the time that I reach Gershwin's The

by the time that I reach Gershwin's The Man I Love, Martin isn't laughing, and

Man I Love, Martin isn't laughing, and I'm on my own inside the music. I feel

I'm on my own inside the music. I feel exactly how I used to feel playing in

exactly how I used to feel playing in Paris at

Paris at Cherros. When I eventually stop, I turn

Cherros. When I eventually stop, I turn to look at the group. Mouths are open.

to look at the group. Mouths are open. Camille leads a little round of

Camille leads a little round of applause. I sit on my stool next to her.

applause. I sit on my stool next to her. "When you played, I really had that

"When you played, I really had that feeling again, like I'd seen you playing

feeling again, like I'd seen you playing before. But truly," she says, her hands

before. But truly," she says, her hands touching the back of mine, then

touching the back of mine, then retreating before anyone sees. That was

retreating before anyone sees. That was amazing. I notice for a second that

amazing. I notice for a second that Camille is staring at the scar on my

Camille is staring at the scar on my arm. I pull down my sleeves,

arm. I pull down my sleeves, self-conscious. I sit back in my chair

self-conscious. I sit back in my chair and a guilt takes over me. The guilt of

and a guilt takes over me. The guilt of desiring someone who isn't

Rose. In6007, I was 26 years old. I obviously didn't look 26, but I was

obviously didn't look 26, but I was looking a fraction older than I had done

looking a fraction older than I had done back when I'd worked on

back when I'd worked on bankside. Rose suggested we get married,

bankside. Rose suggested we get married, and after we married, we moved. The

and after we married, we moved. The reason was simple. The longer we stayed

reason was simple. The longer we stayed in one place, the more dangerous it

in one place, the more dangerous it became. I suggested we move inside the

became. I suggested we move inside the city walls where we could disappear into

city walls where we could disappear into the safety of crowds. So, we moved to

the safety of crowds. So, we moved to Eastchep. And for once in my life,

Eastchep. And for once in my life, nothing terrible happened. What happened

nothing terrible happened. What happened was this. We had a daughter. We called

was this. We had a daughter. We called her

her Marian. I would hold her in my arms

Marian. I would hold her in my arms while she was still wrapped in swaddling

while she was still wrapped in swaddling bonds, and I used to sing to her in

bonds, and I used to sing to her in French to calm her when she cried, and

French to calm her when she cried, and it generally seemed to

it generally seemed to work. I loved her

work. I loved her instantly. Of course, most parents love

instantly. Of course, most parents love their children instantly, but I mention

their children instantly, but I mention it here because I still find it a

it here because I still find it a remarkable thing. The way love is

remarkable thing. The way love is suddenly there, total and complete, as

suddenly there, total and complete, as sudden as grief, but in reverse, is one

sudden as grief, but in reverse, is one of the wonders about being

of the wonders about being human. But superstition was rising

human. But superstition was rising everywhere, even though we never saw

everywhere, even though we never saw Manning again. I would hear his

Manning again. I would hear his name. Once in the street, a woman I'd

name. Once in the street, a woman I'd never seen before came up to me and

never seen before came up to me and stuck her finger in my chest. Mr.

stuck her finger in my chest. Mr. Manning told me about you. He told

Manning told me about you. He told everyone about you. They say you have a

everyone about you. They say you have a child. They should have smothered her at

child. They should have smothered her at birth to be

birth to be safe. Marian, now a girl, was aware of

safe. Marian, now a girl, was aware of such things. Slowly and for her sake, we

such things. Slowly and for her sake, we began to change the way we lived. We

began to change the way we lived. We deliberately made sure we were never out

deliberately made sure we were never out together. We tried to stop questions

together. We tried to stop questions when they arose, and we managed it.

when they arose, and we managed it. Marian, being a girl and not being

Marian, being a girl and not being nobility, did not go to school. Reading

nobility, did not go to school. Reading was a rare skill in those days. but was

was a rare skill in those days. but was one I possessed, and I saw nothing

one I possessed, and I saw nothing strange in the idea of a girl reading.

strange in the idea of a girl reading. She was, it turned out, an extremely

She was, it turned out, an extremely gifted and curious reader. By the age of

gifted and curious reader. By the age of 8, she could quote Montaigne. Then one

8, she could quote Montaigne. Then one day she read something

day she read something else. You see, she sometimes went

else. You see, she sometimes went outside on her own in the morning to

outside on her own in the morning to play. And one day she came in and she

play. And one day she came in and she looked a little like someone had slapped

looked a little like someone had slapped her in the face.

her in the face. What is it, sweetheart? She seemed out

What is it, sweetheart? She seemed out of breath. It took her a moment. She was

of breath. It took her a moment. She was frowning at

frowning at me. Are you Satan,

me. Are you Satan, father? And then she showed

father? And then she showed me. Someone had scraped the words,

me. Someone had scraped the words, "Satan resides here on our

"Satan resides here on our door." It was a horrifying thing to see,

door." It was a horrifying thing to see, but more horrifying to know Marian had

but more horrifying to know Marian had seen it, too.

seen it, too. Marianne reminded me a lot of her

Marianne reminded me a lot of her grandmother, the sensitivity and

grandmother, the sensitivity and intelligence and musicality, the

intelligence and musicality, the mystery. She preferred playing the pipe

mystery. She preferred playing the pipe to the loot. She liked music made of

to the loot. She liked music made of breath, not formed from

breath, not formed from fingers. She would play the pipe in the

fingers. She would play the pipe in the street. She would walk along playing it.

street. She would walk along playing it. I remember a wonderful Saturday morning

I remember a wonderful Saturday morning when Marian and I headed to the cobblers

when Marian and I headed to the cobblers to get Rose's shoes mended. While I was

to get Rose's shoes mended. While I was talking to the cobbler, Marian stood

talking to the cobbler, Marian stood outside and played under the greenwood

outside and played under the greenwood tree on the

tree on the pipe. A few moments later, she ran in

pipe. A few moments later, she ran in and held up a shining, clean silver

and held up a shining, clean silver penny, as bright as day. She had a

penny, as bright as day. She had a broad, rare smile on her face. I had

broad, rare smile on her face. I had never seen her so happy. A lady just

never seen her so happy. A lady just gave me this. I will keep this coin, and

gave me this. I will keep this coin, and it will give us luck, father. You'll

it will give us luck, father. You'll see. However, our luck didn't last long.

see. However, our luck didn't last long. One day at the market, a man claiming to

One day at the market, a man claiming to be a witch hunter came up to Marian and

be a witch hunter came up to Marian and told her she was the child of a witch, a

told her she was the child of a witch, a witch who kept her husband young for her

witch who kept her husband young for her own pleasure. And then the man told

own pleasure. And then the man told Marion that she too, as the progeny of a

Marion that she too, as the progeny of a witch, must be a

witch, must be a demon. Rose was almost sick with fear,

demon. Rose was almost sick with fear, her voice trembling as she told me of

her voice trembling as she told me of the incident that evening after Marian

the incident that evening after Marian had woken from a nightmare and fallen

had woken from a nightmare and fallen back to sleep. She had a tear in her

back to sleep. She had a tear in her eye, even as her face

eye, even as her face hardened. She had made a

hardened. She had made a decision. It was a terrifying

decision. It was a terrifying one. You aren't safe with us, Tom. She

one. You aren't safe with us, Tom. She didn't say the other half of this, that

didn't say the other half of this, that they weren't safe with me, but I knew

they weren't safe with me, but I knew she knew that, too. And the knowledge

she knew that, too. And the knowledge was near enough to kill

was near enough to kill me. And that was it. That was the moment

me. And that was it. That was the moment all hope disappeared.

all hope disappeared. Marian knew I was going away. It hurt

Marian knew I was going away. It hurt her. I could see it in her

her. I could see it in her eyes. But as she tended to do with

eyes. But as she tended to do with things that troubled her, she kept it

things that troubled her, she kept it inside. "Will you return?" she asked

inside. "Will you return?" she asked almost formally, as if I was already at

almost formally, as if I was already at a distance from her. "Will you come and

a distance from her. "Will you come and live with us?" I told a lie. "Yes, I

live with us?" I told a lie. "Yes, I will

will return." She frowned darkly, and then

return." She frowned darkly, and then she disappeared into her room. A moment

she disappeared into her room. A moment later, she returned, clutching something

later, she returned, clutching something in her fist. "Open your

in her fist. "Open your hand." I opened it, and a penny dropped

hand." I opened it, and a penny dropped onto my palm. "My lucky coin," she

onto my palm. "My lucky coin," she explained. "You must keep it with you

explained. "You must keep it with you always, and wherever you are, you must

always, and wherever you are, you must think of me.

think of me. [Music]

[Music] It's parents evening. I'm sitting behind

It's parents evening. I'm sitting behind a table having just taken my third

a table having just taken my third ibuprofen of the hour. I look across the

ibuprofen of the hour. I look across the sports hall. Camille is between parents.

sports hall. Camille is between parents. I notice her take off her glasses and

I notice her take off her glasses and rub her eyes. She doesn't look very

rub her eyes. She doesn't look very well. She's staring down at the papers

well. She's staring down at the papers on her little table trying to focus.

on her little table trying to focus. Then suddenly, and with no warning,

Then suddenly, and with no warning, Camille falls off her chair.

Camille falls off her chair. She's having some kind of fit right in

She's having some kind of fit right in the middle of parents

the middle of parents evening. Before I know it, I am there

evening. Before I know it, I am there right over her as Daphne comes running.

right over her as Daphne comes running. Camille's whole body is jerking now.

Camille's whole body is jerking now. Pull the table back, I tell Daphne. I

Pull the table back, I tell Daphne. I hold Camille steady as she comes around,

hold Camille steady as she comes around, her confusion delaying her

her confusion delaying her embarrassment. Where am

embarrassment. Where am I? The sports hall. You're okay, I tell

I? The sports hall. You're okay, I tell her. Her eyes are fixed on me. I do know

her. Her eyes are fixed on me. I do know you. I smile at her, then with more

you. I smile at her, then with more awkwardness at Daphne, and I gently tell

awkwardness at Daphne, and I gently tell her, "Of course you do. We work

her, "Of course you do. We work together." She shakes her head.

together." She shakes her head. Cherros. The name hits my heart like a

Cherros. The name hits my heart like a hammer. "You played piano when I saw you

hammer. "You played piano when I saw you the other day at the pub." I Two

the other day at the pub." I Two thoughts. I am dreaming. It is possible

thoughts. I am dreaming. It is possible I have dreamt of Camille before. Or

I have dreamt of Camille before. Or maybe she is old, too. Old, old, old, as

maybe she is old, too. Old, old, old, as in ancient. An

in ancient. An Alba. Maybe this is what I'd felt for

Alba. Maybe this is what I'd felt for her. Maybe I just have a sense of our

her. Maybe I just have a sense of our exotic

exotic sameness. The one thing I'm sure of is

sameness. The one thing I'm sure of is that I have to stop her talking. If she

that I have to stop her talking. If she carries on, she not only risks exposing

carries on, she not only risks exposing me, but herself. I feel for her. There's

me, but herself. I feel for her. There's no point denying that anymore.

no point denying that anymore. The lie I told myself for so long that I

The lie I told myself for so long that I could exist without caring for anyone

could exist without caring for anyone new was just that, a lie. I can no

new was just that, a lie. I can no longer deny I care for her. And in

longer deny I care for her. And in caring for her, I feel an overwhelming

caring for her, I feel an overwhelming need to protect her. After all, Hrich

need to protect her. After all, Hrich has had people permanently silenced for

has had people permanently silenced for less than a mutter in a school hall. If

less than a mutter in a school hall. If she knows about Albers and is talking

she knows about Albers and is talking about it in public, she is automatically

about it in public, she is automatically risking more than my identity. She's

risking more than my identity. She's risking her life.

Paris, 1929. It was around 7:00 in the evening.

1929. It was around 7:00 in the evening. Beside the vast empty dance floor, men

Beside the vast empty dance floor, men in dinner jackets and women in

in dinner jackets and women in low-necked tassel fringed shift dresses

low-necked tassel fringed shift dresses and bobbed hair were drinking a pair of

and bobbed hair were drinking a pair of teeths and listening to the music I was

teeths and listening to the music I was playing. Jazz was what Cherros was known

playing. Jazz was what Cherros was known for. But by 1929, the sophisticated

for. But by 1929, the sophisticated Cleonel didn't just want jazz, jazz,

Cleonel didn't just want jazz, jazz, jazz, because jazz was everywhere. So I

jazz, because jazz was everywhere. So I sometimes mixed it up a little.

sometimes mixed it up a little. Sometimes if people were on the dance

Sometimes if people were on the dance floor, I'd drop in an Argentine tango or

floor, I'd drop in an Argentine tango or some gypsy flavors. But early evening,

some gypsy flavors. But early evening, you could get away with playing anything

you could get away with playing anything soft and thoughtful. So I was playing

soft and thoughtful. So I was playing some foray from his melancholic period

some foray from his melancholic period and feeling every note.

the photographer had told me as I was playing. No, I whispered, remembering

playing. No, I whispered, remembering Hrik's no photographs

Hrik's no photographs rule. Badu, but it was too late. I'd

rule. Badu, but it was too late. I'd been so lost in the music he'd been

been so lost in the music he'd been taking photos of me without my

taking photos of me without my realizing. Mad, I whispered to myself,

realizing. Mad, I whispered to myself, switching to Gershwin to try and better

switching to Gershwin to try and better my

my mood. We're in a smart gastrop pub in

mood. We're in a smart gastrop pub in the new Globe Theater.

the new Globe Theater. I feel

I feel nervous. How does she know about

nervous. How does she know about Cherros? But there is also another

Cherros? But there is also another reason I'm scared. I'm scared because up

reason I'm scared. I'm scared because up till now I've been

till now I've been surviving. I've recently thought that I

surviving. I've recently thought that I wanted out from Hrik, but maybe actually

wanted out from Hrik, but maybe actually this was a mistake. Yes, I am owned by

this was a mistake. Yes, I am owned by Hri, but there is a comfort in that.

Hri, but there is a comfort in that. Free will might be overrated. Anxiety,

Free will might be overrated. Anxiety, Kkagard wrote in the middle of the 19th

Kkagard wrote in the middle of the 19th century, is the dizziness of freedom. I

century, is the dizziness of freedom. I had achd from the death of Rose for

had achd from the death of Rose for centuries, and that pain had faded into

centuries, and that pain had faded into the neutral monotony of existing and

the neutral monotony of existing and moving on before I had time to gather

moving on before I had time to gather any emotional moss. Yes, there had been

any emotional moss. Yes, there had been a void inside me, but voids were

a void inside me, but voids were underrated. Voids were empty of love,

underrated. Voids were empty of love, but also pain. Emptiness was not without

but also pain. Emptiness was not without his advantages. You could move around in

his advantages. You could move around in emptiness.

emptiness. I tried to tell myself I am just meeting

I tried to tell myself I am just meeting her for what she's going to tell me and

her for what she's going to tell me and that I don't have to tell her anything

that I don't have to tell her anything in return. But it is strange being here,

in return. But it is strange being here, especially as it is here. I haven't been

especially as it is here. I haven't been to this place since the day I jumped

to this place since the day I jumped onto the stage from the musicians

onto the stage from the musicians gallery. Camille is wearing a midnight

gallery. Camille is wearing a midnight blue shirt. She looks pale, a little

blue shirt. She looks pale, a little tired, but also beautiful. I am sure

tired, but also beautiful. I am sure looking at her that I've never known

looking at her that I've never known her. But I have to ask. We never met,

her. But I have to ask. We never met, did we? I mean

did we? I mean before. It depends what you mean by met.

before. It depends what you mean by met. But no, in the conventional sense, no.

But no, in the conventional sense, no. The waiter tops up our wine. Camille

The waiter tops up our wine. Camille looks at me with forceful eyes. Now you,

looks at me with forceful eyes. Now you, you promised I need to know your story.

you promised I need to know your story. Before I tell you about me, you have to

Before I tell you about me, you have to tell me about you. I sound firmer than I

tell me about you. I sound firmer than I had

had intended. Wide eyes. Do I?

intended. Wide eyes. Do I? I inhale deeply. This is the

I inhale deeply. This is the moment. I need to know how you

moment. I need to know how you recognized me. I need to know why you

recognized me. I need to know why you mentioned

mentioned Cherros. Churros closed 80 years

Cherros. Churros closed 80 years ago. I'm not that

ago. I'm not that old. Exactly. I didn't think so. She

old. Exactly. I didn't think so. She smiles. She tells me when she was 19,

smiles. She tells me when she was 19, she'd become engaged to a handsome,

she'd become engaged to a handsome, funny web designer called Eric with a K.

funny web designer called Eric with a K. His mother was Swedish. He had died in

His mother was Swedish. He had died in 2011 while rock climbing. She takes a

2011 while rock climbing. She takes a few breaths. To talk about memories is

few breaths. To talk about memories is to live them a

to live them a little. It was too much. So I went

little. It was too much. So I went traveling around South America for 6

traveling around South America for 6 months. But eventually my money ran out.

months. But eventually my money ran out. So I went back to France to Paris. I got

So I went back to France to Paris. I got a job at the Plaza Athena, one of the

a job at the Plaza Athena, one of the snooty grand

snooty grand hotels. This is it. I sense it. Anxiety

hotels. This is it. I sense it. Anxiety tightens my chest as she continues. They

tightens my chest as she continues. They had these photos, this exhibition in the

had these photos, this exhibition in the lobby of golden age Paris, all from the

lobby of golden age Paris, all from the 20s. And lots were of jazz clubs. The

20s. And lots were of jazz clubs. The one I was facing, the one I looked at

one I was facing, the one I looked at day in day out, was the largest one of

day in day out, was the largest one of the pianist at a

the pianist at a restaurant. The restaurant was called

restaurant. The restaurant was called Cherros.

Cherros. The photo was black and white, but very

The photo was black and white, but very good quality for the time. And the man

good quality for the time. And the man looked so lost in the music he was

looked so lost in the music he was playing, and it seemed like there was

playing, and it seemed like there was something timeless about it. And also,

something timeless about it. And also, the man was

the man was handsome. And he had this pristine white

handsome. And he had this pristine white shirt on, but with his sleeves rolled

shirt on, but with his sleeves rolled up, devil may care. And there was this

up, devil may care. And there was this scar on his arm, this curved

scar on his arm, this curved scar.

scar. And I thought it was okay to have a

And I thought it was okay to have a crush on this man because he was

crush on this man because he was dead. And he wasn't dead, was

dead. And he wasn't dead, was he? Because he was

he? Because he was you. I

you. I hesitate. Suddenly, I have no idea what

hesitate. Suddenly, I have no idea what to

to do. I remember her staring at the scar

do. I remember her staring at the scar on my arm in the pub, but now I know

on my arm in the pub, but now I know why. It all makes sense. Our food

why. It all makes sense. Our food arrives. I watch the waiter disappear

arrives. I watch the waiter disappear into the noise of the restaurant. And

into the noise of the restaurant. And then I look at her and I tell her

everything. 2 hours later, we're walking by the

by the temps. She asks to see the scar again.

temps. She asks to see the scar again. She traces it with her finger as if to

She traces it with her finger as if to make all of this more real. We walk over

make all of this more real. We walk over the Millennium Bridge and head east

the Millennium Bridge and head east through the city. We are informally

through the city. We are informally walking home. When I suggest that I

walking home. When I suggest that I should probably take Abraham for a walk

should probably take Abraham for a walk and that she's welcome to come, too. She

and that she's welcome to come, too. She accepts the

accepts the invite. We sit together on a bench. I

invite. We sit together on a bench. I want to kiss

want to kiss her. I don't know how to make that

her. I don't know how to make that happen. I have been single for four

happen. I have been single for four centuries and have absolutely no idea of

centuries and have absolutely no idea of the

the etiquette. We sit in silence for a while

etiquette. We sit in silence for a while like a couple watching Abraham gallop

like a couple watching Abraham gallop around with a springer spaniel. and I am

around with a springer spaniel. and I am enjoying the happy weight of her head on

enjoying the happy weight of her head on my shoulder for 2 minutes or

my shoulder for 2 minutes or so. Then two things happen in quick

so. Then two things happen in quick succession. I feel a sudden pang of

succession. I feel a sudden pang of guilt thinking of Rose. And then my

guilt thinking of Rose. And then my phone

phone rings. I stand up from the bench with

rings. I stand up from the bench with the phone to my

the phone to my ear. Is this a bad time? Hrik asks. No,

ear. Is this a bad time? Hrik asks. No, Hrik, it's fine. Where are you? I'm

Hrik, it's fine. Where are you? I'm walking the dog. Are you on your

walking the dog. Are you on your own? Yes, except for Abraham. Good.

own? Yes, except for Abraham. Good. Well, listen. We have found someone.

Well, listen. We have found someone. Marian. Alas, no. We have found your

Marian. Alas, no. We have found your friend. Your Polynesian. Oh my. He's

friend. Your Polynesian. Oh my. He's alive and he's being a

alive and he's being a fool. Where is he? I ask. What's the

fool. Where is he? I ask. What's the story? There is a surfer in Australia

story? There is a surfer in Australia who looks just like a 250year-old

who looks just like a 250year-old portrait by Joshua Reynolds. He calls

portrait by Joshua Reynolds. He calls himself Saul Davis. He's becoming a

himself Saul Davis. He's becoming a little bit too known in the surfing

little bit too known in the surfing community. People are talking about how

community. People are talking about how he doesn't age. And apparently that's

he doesn't age. And apparently that's not all. Agnes Source in Berlin says

not all. Agnes Source in Berlin says they know about him. The Institute. He

they know about him. The Institute. He could be in real trouble.

could be in real trouble. You have a holiday coming up, a half

You have a holiday coming up, a half term. This is sounding ominous. Yes. I

term. This is sounding ominous. Yes. I can get you on a flight to Sydney.

can get you on a flight to Sydney. Weaken the

Weaken the sun. I thought you said that was it, I

sun. I thought you said that was it, I say. I thought you said I could have

say. I thought you said I could have this life for the full 8 years. No

this life for the full 8 years. No interruptions. Camille is standing up,

interruptions. Camille is standing up, holding the lead. Come on, boy. Abraham.

holding the lead. Come on, boy. Abraham. The dog runs over to her. Hendrick's

The dog runs over to her. Hendrick's tone becomes steel. The woman who called

tone becomes steel. The woman who called for Abraham. That's your dog's name,

for Abraham. That's your dog's name, right? Camille clips on Abraham's lead,

right? Camille clips on Abraham's lead, then looks at me again. She's ready to

then looks at me again. She's ready to go. Woman now. Camille is listening to

go. Woman now. Camille is listening to me. Who is it? No one, I say. She's no

me. Who is it? No one, I say. She's no one at all. The mouth I'd just been

one at all. The mouth I'd just been dreaming of kissing is now a gape with

dreaming of kissing is now a gape with disbelief. Hendrick sigh. I have no idea

disbelief. Hendrick sigh. I have no idea if he believes me or not, but he returns

if he believes me or not, but he returns to his main subject.

to his main subject. If it isn't you, there will still be

If it isn't you, there will still be someone seeing your old friend. So, it's

someone seeing your old friend. So, it's completely up to

completely up to you. The myth of choice. Classic Hrik.

you. The myth of choice. Classic Hrik. Either I go and talk to Oh my or Oh my

dies. Tahiti 1767. I was meant to set fire to the

1767. I was meant to set fire to the village. I held the flaming torch in my

village. I held the flaming torch in my hand, my arm weak from the weight, my

hand, my arm weak from the weight, my whole body weak from just standing up.

whole body weak from just standing up. It would have been easy to let it down,

It would have been easy to let it down, but I couldn't light the hut. I just

but I couldn't light the hut. I just stood there in the black sand as the

stood there in the black sand as the islander stared at me. The young man

islander stared at me. The young man said nothing. He did nothing. He just

said nothing. He did nothing. He just stood in front of the heart and stared

stood in front of the heart and stared at me. His eyes were wide, and he looked

at me. His eyes were wide, and he looked at me with a mixture of horror and

at me with a mixture of horror and defiance.

defiance. He had long wispy hair down to his chest

He had long wispy hair down to his chest and was wearing more jewelry than most

and was wearing more jewelry than most of the other islanders. I would have

of the other islanders. I would have said he was about 20 years old, but I

said he was about 20 years old, but I also knew better than most that when it

also knew better than most that when it came to matters of age, appearances

came to matters of age, appearances could be

could be deceptive. Centuries later, watching

deceptive. Centuries later, watching this same man step out of the ocean in a

this same man step out of the ocean in a YouTube video, I would see those eyes

YouTube video, I would see those eyes stare out with a similar expression

stare out with a similar expression somewhere between defiance and

somewhere between defiance and bewilderment. I was no saint. I saw no

bewilderment. I was no saint. I saw no shame in the discovering of new lands or

shame in the discovering of new lands or the forging of empire. And yet I could

the forging of empire. And yet I could not set fire to the man's home. As I

not set fire to the man's home. As I walked away, I carried the torch to the

walked away, I carried the torch to the smooth, wet sand and let the sea take

smooth, wet sand and let the sea take it. I walked back to the man whose hut

it. I walked back to the man whose hut was still standing and pulled out the

was still standing and pulled out the pistol from my belt and placed it on the

pistol from my belt and placed it on the sand.

sand. I don't think the man understood the

I don't think the man understood the pistol or what it was for, but he

pistol or what it was for, but he understood my knife, and I put that on

understood my knife, and I put that on the ground,

the ground, too. The hearts were burned to the

too. The hearts were burned to the ground anyway. While the village was

ground anyway. While the village was ablaze, the only two naturalists to

ablaze, the only two naturalists to survive the voyage, along with the

survive the voyage, along with the artist Joe Weber, set about exploring

artist Joe Weber, set about exploring the

the rainforest. We weren't there to take

rainforest. We weren't there to take over. We were there, in our own minds,

over. We were there, in our own minds, to discover. And yet we had done what so

to discover. And yet we had done what so often happened in the proud history of

often happened in the proud history of geographic

geographic discovery. We had found paradise and

discovery. We had found paradise and then we'd set it on

then we'd set it on [Music]

fire. Saturday is the start of the halfterm break. I'm due to fly to

halfterm break. I'm due to fly to Australia and drop Abraham off at the

Australia and drop Abraham off at the dog sitters, but right now I'm in the

dog sitters, but right now I'm in the supermarket. I'm chucking a travel-sized

supermarket. I'm chucking a travel-sized tube of toothpaste in my basket when I

tube of toothpaste in my basket when I notice Deafany, bright bloused, and

notice Deafany, bright bloused, and wideeyed behind her trolley. "Hey, Mr.

wideeyed behind her trolley. "Hey, Mr. Hazard," she says, laughing. "Mrs.

Hazard," she says, laughing. "Mrs. Bellow. Hi." There is an awkward

Bellow. Hi." There is an awkward silence. I notice a bottle of rum lying

silence. I notice a bottle of rum lying in her trolley next to a bag of pasta.

in her trolley next to a bag of pasta. "Having a party," I ask? She sigh. "I

"Having a party," I ask? She sigh. "I wish. No, no. The bottle of Picardi is

wish. No, no. The bottle of Picardi is for my mom. She's in an old folks home

for my mom. She's in an old folks home in Serbetton, and she always gets me to

in Serbetton, and she always gets me to sneak in a bottle of the good stuff. She

sneak in a bottle of the good stuff. She sounds great. Yeah, she's a good chick,

sounds great. Yeah, she's a good chick, my mom. Mind you, she's with a right mly

my mom. Mind you, she's with a right mly crew in the home. There's one woman who

crew in the home. There's one woman who reckons she's so old she was born in the

reckons she's so old she was born in the reign of William the Conqueror. Poor

reign of William the Conqueror. Poor Mary Peters. Mad as a box of frogs, get

Mary Peters. Mad as a box of frogs, get scared of the TV, but a lovely old

scared of the TV, but a lovely old dear. Mary Peters.

dear. Mary Peters. I shake my head at Daphne, even as I

I shake my head at Daphne, even as I remember the gossip that surrounded the

remember the gossip that surrounded the disappearance of the Mary Peters we knew

disappearance of the Mary Peters we knew in Hackne. The one who Rose knew at the

in Hackne. The one who Rose knew at the market. The one who had arrived from

market. The one who had arrived from nowhere. When Daphne has gone, I leave

nowhere. When Daphne has gone, I leave my trolley in the aisle and walk with

my trolley in the aisle and walk with brisk determination out of the

brisk determination out of the supermarket. I get out my phone and

supermarket. I get out my phone and start looking up train times to

start looking up train times to Serban. Mary Peters looks at me with

Serban. Mary Peters looks at me with eyes made pink and weak by time. Her

eyes made pink and weak by time. Her gray hair is as frail as dandelion

gray hair is as frail as dandelion seeds, and the veins under her skin like

seeds, and the veins under her skin like roots on a secret map. But she is

roots on a secret map. But she is recognizably the woman I met in Hackne

recognizably the woman I met in Hackne four centuries ago. I remember you, she

four centuries ago. I remember you, she says. You were Rose's love. She came

says. You were Rose's love. She came alive after she met you. She was a

alive after she met you. She was a different girl. I loved her so much. I

different girl. I loved her so much. I tell her she was so strong. She was the

tell her she was so strong. She was the greatest person I ever knew. She smiles

greatest person I ever knew. She smiles in faint sympathy, then stares around

in faint sympathy, then stares around the room. Someone switches on the TV.

the room. Someone switches on the TV. When Mary's face returns to mine, she is

When Mary's face returns to mine, she is pensive, almost trembling with thought.

pensive, almost trembling with thought. And then she tells me, "I met your

And then she tells me, "I met your daughter." It is out of context that I

daughter." It is out of context that I don't really understand what she said.

don't really understand what she said. What did you say? Your child, Marian.

What did you say? Your child, Marian. Marian? Quite recent. We were in

Marian? Quite recent. We were in hospital together. My mind is racing to

hospital together. My mind is racing to understand. This is so often the way

understand. This is so often the way with life. You spend so much time

with life. You spend so much time waiting for something that you can't

waiting for something that you can't quite absorb it when it is in front of

quite absorb it when it is in front of you. I was a day patient, she said. Just

you. I was a day patient, she said. Just a mad old bird crying in a chair. She

a mad old bird crying in a chair. She was there all the time. How did you know

was there all the time. How did you know it was my daughter? She looks at me as

it was my daughter? She looks at me as if it is a silly question. She told me.

if it is a silly question. She told me. She told everyone that was one of the

She told everyone that was one of the reasons she was there in the first

reasons she was there in the first place. Is she still there? She shakes

place. Is she still there? She shakes her head. One night she just went.

her head. One night she just went. People who were there said there was a

People who were there said there was a lot of noise and commotion. And then

lot of noise and commotion. And then when I came in the next day, she was

when I came in the next day, she was gone. I sit back, try to think. I am

gone. I sit back, try to think. I am simultaneously relieved that Marion is

simultaneously relieved that Marion is still alive and worried for whatever

still alive and worried for whatever torments she has known. Mary, I say, I

torments she has known. Mary, I say, I think it's important that you don't talk

think it's important that you don't talk about the past anymore. It may have been

about the past anymore. It may have been dangerous for Marian and it is dangerous

dangerous for Marian and it is dangerous for you. A minute goes by. She is

for you. A minute goes by. She is mulling my words and dismissing them. I

mulling my words and dismissing them. I loved someone once, a woman. I loved her

loved someone once, a woman. I loved her madly. Do you

madly. Do you understand? We were together in secret

understand? We were together in secret for nearly 20 years and we were told we

for nearly 20 years and we were told we couldn't talk about that love because it

couldn't talk about that love because it was dangerous. I nod. I

was dangerous. I nod. I understand. There comes a time when the

understand. There comes a time when the only way to start living is to tell the

only way to start living is to tell the truth. To be who you really are, even if

truth. To be who you really are, even if it is

it is dangerous. I step outside and phone

dangerous. I step outside and phone Hrik. Did you know she was alive? Who?

Hrik. Did you know she was alive? Who? Marian. Marian, have you found her? Did

Marian. Marian, have you found her? Did you know? Tom, calm down. No. arm. Have

you know? Tom, calm down. No. arm. Have you got a lead? I can't go to Australia.

you got a lead? I can't go to Australia. I need to find her. Listen, listen.

I need to find her. Listen, listen. Marian has survived for over 400 years.

Marian has survived for over 400 years. She'll still be alive for another week.

She'll still be alive for another week. Just do this in Australia. And I swear,

Just do this in Australia. And I swear, I swear we will work together and we

I swear we will work together and we will find her. But first, if you want to

will find her. But first, if you want to save your friend, you really need to get

save your friend, you really need to get to the airport. Oh my needs you. and the

to the airport. Oh my needs you. and the conversation ends. And as always, I do

conversation ends. And as always, I do what Henrik wants me to do because he is

what Henrik wants me to do because he is the best hope I

the best hope I have. The last time I saw Oh my,

have. The last time I saw Oh my, Australia was, to my mind, a new

Australia was, to my mind, a new discovery. And yet, oh my is still so

discovery. And yet, oh my is still so recognizably the same. I think an

recognizably the same. I think an innocent bystander would put his age at

innocent bystander would put his age at 36. It's been a long time, oh my says

36. It's been a long time, oh my says wistfully. I missed you, dude. I've

wistfully. I missed you, dude. I've missed you, too. Wow. When you say dude

missed you, too. Wow. When you say dude now suits you since the 60s. It's kind

now suits you since the 60s. It's kind of compulsory here. Surf thing. So, how

of compulsory here. Surf thing. So, how long have you been Soul Davis? 17 years.

long have you been Soul Davis? 17 years. I guess that's when I came to Baron Bay.

I guess that's when I came to Baron Bay. Our starters arrive. So, he says, "What

Our starters arrive. So, he says, "What have you been up to?" I tell him about

have you been up to?" I tell him about my life as a teacher, about my life

my life as a teacher, about my life before recent history. Then I talk about

before recent history. Then I talk about 1891, about Hrik, the Albatross

1891, about Hrik, the Albatross Society. Oh my stares at me wideeyed and

Society. Oh my stares at me wideeyed and baffled. Listen, oh my, this isn't a

baffled. Listen, oh my, this isn't a joke. We're as unsafe now as we've ever

joke. We're as unsafe now as we've ever been. Yeah, and yet here we still are,

been. Yeah, and yet here we still are, still breathing in and out. There are

still breathing in and out. There are dangers. You right now are in danger.

dangers. You right now are in danger. There is an institute in Berlin. He rubs

There is an institute in Berlin. He rubs his eyes. He looks tired suddenly. I am

his eyes. He looks tired suddenly. I am tiring him. What do I have to do? Well,

tiring him. What do I have to do? Well, the idea is for people to not gather

the idea is for people to not gather moss. Hrik, he's always on about not

moss. Hrik, he's always on about not getting too attached to people. And it

getting too attached to people. And it makes sense for people to move on every

makes sense for people to move on every 8 years. Start somewhere new, become

8 years. Start somewhere new, become someone else. And you've been here more

someone else. And you've been here more than I can't do that. He looks pretty

than I can't do that. He looks pretty adamant. I know I have to be straight.

adamant. I know I have to be straight. There is no choice. And what if I

There is no choice. And what if I refuse?

refuse? I wait too long with the answer. He

I wait too long with the answer. He leans back in his chair and shakes his

leans back in his chair and shakes his head at me. Wow, dude. It's like the

head at me. Wow, dude. It's like the mafia. You've joined the

mafia. You've joined the mafia. I never opted in. I tell him.

mafia. I never opted in. I tell him. That's the whole point. But oh my, I'm

That's the whole point. But oh my, I'm trying to help you. This isn't me. I'm

trying to help you. This isn't me. I'm just the middleman here. It's Hrik. He

just the middleman here. It's Hrik. He knows things. He can stop terrible

knows things. He can stop terrible things happening, but he can also, the

things happening, but he can also, the terrible truth of it occurs to me, he

terrible truth of it occurs to me, he can also make very terrible things

can also make very terrible things happen.

happen. Do you know what? He pulls out his

Do you know what? He pulls out his wallet and delves inside and places some

wallet and delves inside and places some notes on the table and stands up. If

notes on the table and stands up. If it's not really you I'm talking to, this

it's not really you I'm talking to, this won't be rude, will it? And I just sit

won't be rude, will it? And I just sit there after he has walked

there after he has walked away. Oh my lives on the edge of town at

away. Oh my lives on the edge of town at 352 Broken Head Road, a one-story

352 Broken Head Road, a one-story clapboard house. You can see the sea

clapboard house. You can see the sea from here. Of course you can. Oh my

from here. Of course you can. Oh my would have lived in the sea if he could

would have lived in the sea if he could have done. I wait a couple of minutes

have done. I wait a couple of minutes after knocking. The door opens a little.

after knocking. The door opens a little. An old woman with short white hair peers

An old woman with short white hair peers out from behind the latch chain. Yes.

out from behind the latch chain. Yes. Oh, I'm sorry. I think I might have the

Oh, I'm sorry. I think I might have the wrong address. Sorry for bothering you

wrong address. Sorry for bothering you so late. Don't worry. I never sleep

so late. Don't worry. I never sleep these days. She's closing the door.

these days. She's closing the door. Hastily, I say it. I'm looking for Soul.

Hastily, I say it. I'm looking for Soul. Soul Davis. I'm an old friend. I I was

Soul Davis. I'm an old friend. I I was having a meal with him tonight, and I'm

having a meal with him tonight, and I'm worried I've upset him. She hesitates a

worried I've upset him. She hesitates a moment. Tom, my name is Tom. She nods.

moment. Tom, my name is Tom. She nods. She has heard of me. He's gone

She has heard of me. He's gone surfing. I sit on the sand and watch him

surfing. I sit on the sand and watch him lit by the full moon. A small shadow

lit by the full moon. A small shadow rising up a wave. And then I feel my

rising up a wave. And then I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. Henrik, is

phone vibrate in my pocket. Henrik, is he with you? No. So, can you talk? I

he with you? No. So, can you talk? I won't have long. I'm meeting him later.

won't have long. I'm meeting him later. Is he sold? He will be. The film of him

Is he sold? He will be. The film of him on YouTube now has 400,000 views. He

on YouTube now has 400,000 views. He needs to

needs to disappear. Oh my vanishes under a wave.

disappear. Oh my vanishes under a wave. The head rises up again. It seems the

The head rises up again. It seems the perfect way to live. Riding a wave,

perfect way to live. Riding a wave, falling off, getting back on. He will,

falling off, getting back on. He will, I'm sure. Oh, I know he will. For all

I'm sure. Oh, I know he will. For all our sakes. It's not just Berlin. There's

our sakes. It's not just Berlin. There's a biotech research firm in Beijing.

a biotech research firm in Beijing. I have heard this stuff for over a

I have heard this stuff for over a century, but it's just another noise in

century, but it's just another noise in the world, like water against sand. Yes,

the world, like water against sand. Yes, listen, Hendrickk, I'd better go. Plan

listen, Hendrickk, I'd better go. Plan A, that's all you are, Tom. Remember,

A, that's all you are, Tom. Remember, there's always a plan

there's always a plan B. 20 minutes later, Omi is out of the

B. 20 minutes later, Omi is out of the water. He sees me and keeps walking,

water. He sees me and keeps walking, carrying his board. Hey, I follow him up

carrying his board. Hey, I follow him up the beach. Listen, I'm your friend. I'm

the beach. Listen, I'm your friend. I'm trying to protect you. I don't need your

trying to protect you. I don't need your protection.

protection. Who was the woman? Oh my, the woman in

Who was the woman? Oh my, the woman in your house. That's none of your

your house. That's none of your business. He stops on the rough grass at

business. He stops on the rough grass at the fringe of the beach. I have a good

the fringe of the beach. I have a good life. I don't want to hide anymore. I

life. I don't want to hide anymore. I just want to be myself. He closes his

just want to be myself. He closes his eyes as if taking a shard of glass from

eyes as if taking a shard of glass from his

his foot. I have been like you. I moved

foot. I have been like you. I moved around all over the Pacific. And then

around all over the Pacific. And then things started to change. How? Oh my

things started to change. How? Oh my sits down too, placing his wet board on

sits down too, placing his wet board on the sandy grass and sitting cross-legged

the sandy grass and sitting cross-legged on it. I join him. He stares out at the

on it. I join him. He stares out at the sea with sad fondness as if it is a

sea with sad fondness as if it is a memory. Moments pass

memory. Moments pass unregistered. I fell in

unregistered. I fell in love. You used to tell me about that

love. You used to tell me about that girl you fell in love with, the one you

girl you fell in love with, the one you married, the mother of Mary, and what

married, the mother of Mary, and what was she called? Rose. Well, I found my

was she called? Rose. Well, I found my rose. She was beautiful. Her name was

rose. She was beautiful. Her name was Hoku. We were only together 7 years. She

Hoku. We were only together 7 years. She died in the war. Oh my strokes the water

died in the war. Oh my strokes the water off his board. Those seven years I was

off his board. Those seven years I was with her contain more than anything

with her contain more than anything else. You

else. You understand? That's a thing with time,

understand? That's a thing with time, isn't it? It's not all the

isn't it? It's not all the same. He pats his chest. A minute

same. He pats his chest. A minute passes, maybe two. Then my feels ready

passes, maybe two. Then my feels ready to say it. We had a baby. We called her

to say it. We had a baby. We called her Anna.

Anna. I try to absorb this, the significance

I try to absorb this, the significance of it. I think of Marion and then it

of it. I think of Marion and then it clicks. That was her, wasn't it? The

clicks. That was her, wasn't it? The woman in your house is the smallest of

woman in your house is the smallest of nods. She's not like your daughter. She

nods. She's not like your daughter. She aged in real time. She got married, but

aged in real time. She got married, but her husband, my son-in-law, he died of

her husband, my son-in-law, he died of cancer 30 years ago. She's lived with me

cancer 30 years ago. She's lived with me ever

ever since. and your secret didn't get out.

since. and your secret didn't get out. Who would believe a secret like

Who would believe a secret like that? Some people, dangerous

that? Some people, dangerous people. The way he looks at me right

people. The way he looks at me right then makes me feel weak, pathetic, a

then makes me feel weak, pathetic, a coward on the run. And then he stands up

coward on the run. And then he stands up and takes the board with

and takes the board with him. I fall asleep on the beach. When I

him. I fall asleep on the beach. When I wake up, the morning light is bleeding

wake up, the morning light is bleeding into the sky. and I go back to the hotel

into the sky. and I go back to the hotel and eat and check my messages and find

and eat and check my messages and find it weird that Hrich only tried to call

it weird that Hrich only tried to call once. I leave the hotel on foot. I need

once. I leave the hotel on foot. I need to

to think. I walk inland and find a

think. I walk inland and find a lagoon. The water is a deep delicious

lagoon. The water is a deep delicious green with rocks and lush vegetation all

green with rocks and lush vegetation all around. It is so nice to be somewhere I

around. It is so nice to be somewhere I don't know, to be somewhere new when the

don't know, to be somewhere new when the world has felt so stale and familiar.

world has felt so stale and familiar. Two small waterfalls pour into the

Two small waterfalls pour into the lagoon, cancelling all other

lagoon, cancelling all other noise. It is calm

noise. It is calm here. I sit down on a log and notice

here. I sit down on a log and notice something. My head stays

something. My head stays painless. I know something.

painless. I know something. Absolutely. There is no way I'm going to

Absolutely. There is no way I'm going to convert Oh my. And there is also no way

convert Oh my. And there is also no way I am going to kill him.

[Music] I inhale the fresh flowered scented air

I inhale the fresh flowered scented air and close my eyes. I hear a noise that

and close my eyes. I hear a noise that isn't water, a rustle from a bush near

isn't water, a rustle from a bush near the narrow path behind me. I turn

the narrow path behind me. I turn around. I see a woman and she's holding

around. I see a woman and she's holding a gun and she's pointing it at me. I

a gun and she's pointing it at me. I feel a pulse of shock. The shock is not

feel a pulse of shock. The shock is not from the sight of the gun. The shock is

from the sight of the gun. The shock is from the sight of her. On the face of

from the sight of her. On the face of it, she looks so different. Her hair is

it, she looks so different. Her hair is dyed blue for one thing. She has tattoos

dyed blue for one thing. She has tattoos on her arms. She looks entirely 21st

on her arms. She looks entirely 21st century with her t-shirt and jeans and

century with her t-shirt and jeans and lip ring and orange plastic watch and

lip ring and orange plastic watch and her anger. She looks also like a woman

her anger. She looks also like a woman in her late 30s and not the girl I said

in her late 30s and not the girl I said goodbye to 400 years ago. But it is her.

goodbye to 400 years ago. But it is her. Eyes are their own proof.

Eyes are their own proof. Marian. Don't say that name. It's me.

Marian. Don't say that name. It's me. Look back at the

Look back at the water. I stand up and keep looking at

water. I stand up and keep looking at her. The shock is immense. I try so hard

her. The shock is immense. I try so hard not to think of the gun that is inches

not to think of the gun that is inches in front of my face or the death that

in front of my face or the death that could be seconds away. I try to see

could be seconds away. I try to see nothing except my daughter.

nothing except my daughter. I knew you were somewhere. I knew it.

I knew you were somewhere. I knew it. You left us. Yes, I did. I left you and

You left us. Yes, I did. I left you and I regret it. I left you to save your

I regret it. I left you to save your life. I left you to save your mother's

life. I left you to save your mother's life. Did Hendrickk tell you to do this

life. Did Hendrickk tell you to do this is he brainwashed you because that's

is he brainwashed you because that's what he does, Marian, and he brainwashes

what he does, Marian, and he brainwashes people. You never wanted me. That's what

people. You never wanted me. That's what you told Hendrickk you never wanted to

you told Hendrickk you never wanted to be a father. This is a shock on top of

be a father. This is a shock on top of shock. Hendrick had found Marian and he

shock. Hendrick had found Marian and he hadn't told me. No, no, that is not the

hadn't told me. No, no, that is not the truth. Marian, listen. The gun is still

truth. Marian, listen. The gun is still there. I contemplate grabbing her arm

there. I contemplate grabbing her arm and seizing it. But this is my daughter.

and seizing it. But this is my daughter. This is Marian. This is the absence I

This is Marian. This is the absence I have always felt. I can talk to her. If

have always felt. I can talk to her. If Hendrick can talk to her, so can I.

Hendrick can talk to her, so can I. Marian, I love you. I am not a perfect

Marian, I love you. I am not a perfect person. I wasn't a perfect father, but I

person. I wasn't a perfect father, but I have always loved you. I have been

have always loved you. I have been searching for you

searching for you forever. Forever, Marian. You were such

forever. Forever, Marian. You were such an amazing child. I have looked for you

an amazing child. I have looked for you forever. Every day I have missed you.

forever. Every day I have missed you. She is crying, but the gun stays

She is crying, but the gun stays targeted at me. You said you were coming

targeted at me. You said you were coming back. You never came. I know. I know

back. You never came. I know. I know because I was the danger. Remember? I

because I was the danger. Remember? I had to go away. I put my hand in my

had to go away. I put my hand in my pocket. What are you doing? She asks,

pocket. What are you doing? She asks, her voice so quiet it is almost drowned

her voice so quiet it is almost drowned by the

by the water. I take my wallet out. Just wait

water. I take my wallet out. Just wait one second. I pull a small sealed

one second. I pull a small sealed polyine bag out and hold it in the air.

polyine bag out and hold it in the air. She looks at the thin dark fragile coin

She looks at the thin dark fragile coin inside. What is that? Can't you

inside. What is that? Can't you remember? The sun was shining. You were

remember? The sun was shining. You were playing the pipe and someone placed this

playing the pipe and someone placed this in your hand. And you gave it to me that

in your hand. And you gave it to me that last day and said I had to think of you.

last day and said I had to think of you. This here, this penny, it gave me hope.

This here, this penny, it gave me hope. It kept me alive. I wanted one day to

It kept me alive. I wanted one day to return it to you. So here, here you go.

return it to you. So here, here you go. I hold it out for her. Slowly, she

I hold it out for her. Slowly, she raises the arm, not holding the pistol.

raises the arm, not holding the pistol. I place the coin on her palm.

I place the coin on her palm. Uncertainly, she lowers the

Uncertainly, she lowers the gun. She looks dazed. She leans into me

gun. She looks dazed. She leans into me and then before I know it, she is crying

and then before I know it, she is crying in spasms on my shoulder. And I hold her

in spasms on my shoulder. And I hold her and want to press away all the lost

and want to press away all the lost centuries between us.

centuries between us. When she pulls away, she has an anxious

When she pulls away, she has an anxious look to her, staring at me with her

look to her, staring at me with her mother's green

mother's green eyes.

eyes. Henrik, he's

Henrik, he's here. Hendrick had decided to escort

here. Hendrick had decided to escort Marian to

Marian to Australia. He had been worried from when

Australia. He had been worried from when he first asked me that I wouldn't be

he first asked me that I wouldn't be able to do the oh my

able to do the oh my job. It is evening now. Marian and

job. It is evening now. Marian and Henrik are eating dinner together in the

Henrik are eating dinner together in the Byron Sands.

Byron Sands. You must be the person you were an hour

You must be the person you were an hour ago, I had told her. In front of him,

ago, I had told her. In front of him, you must absolutely believe you want me

you must absolutely believe you want me dead. I stayed out. I am walking along a

dead. I stayed out. I am walking along a coastal road near the Byron Sands in

coastal road near the Byron Sands in case Marion needs me. A taxi rolls by,

case Marion needs me. A taxi rolls by, the only car on the road. Then my phone

the only car on the road. Then my phone vibrates. It's Marian. He's going to see

vibrates. It's Marian. He's going to see Oh my, he just got in a taxi. He'll be

Oh my, he just got in a taxi. He'll be at the house in 10 minutes.

at the house in 10 minutes. You can hear the crashing of waves quite

You can hear the crashing of waves quite clearly on Broken Head Road. It is quite

clearly on Broken Head Road. It is quite easy for the sound of petrol splashing

easy for the sound of petrol splashing against timber to be disguised. I smell

against timber to be disguised. I smell it before I see what he's doing. Henrik,

it before I see what he's doing. Henrik, I say, stop. In the dark, he almost

I say, stop. In the dark, he almost looks his age. One of his arms hangs

looks his age. One of his arms hangs down, crooked, struggling awkwardly with

down, crooked, struggling awkwardly with the weight of the petrol can, but there

the weight of the petrol can, but there is an urgent energy to his movement. He

is an urgent energy to his movement. He stops for a second and then looks at me

stops for a second and then looks at me with blank eyes. You told me you

with blank eyes. You told me you couldn't be the one to burn his house

couldn't be the one to burn his house down in Tahiti. You never really were a

down in Tahiti. You never really were a finisher, were you, Tom? Don't do this.

finisher, were you, Tom? Don't do this. None of this matters. Of course, it

None of this matters. Of course, it matters. We need to protect ourselves.

matters. We need to protect ourselves. You mean protect yourself. The society

You mean protect yourself. The society is a society of one. Come on, Hendrickk.

is a society of one. Come on, Hendrickk. It's not the 1800s anymore. You knew

It's not the 1800s anymore. You knew about Marian. You lied to me. He shakes

about Marian. You lied to me. He shakes his head. I kept my promise. I told you

his head. I kept my promise. I told you I would find her and I found her.

I would find her and I found her. Something you were unable to

Something you were unable to do. I keep people safe and we are under

do. I keep people safe and we are under threat like never before. Berlin,

threat like never before. Berlin, biotech, everything. Look at the world,

biotech, everything. Look at the world, Tom. Things don't get better. Mayflies

Tom. Things don't get better. Mayflies don't live long enough to learn. They

don't live long enough to learn. They are born. They grow up. They make the

are born. They grow up. They make the same mistakes over and over. Look at

same mistakes over and over. Look at America. Look at Europe. Superstition is

America. Look at Europe. Superstition is back. Lies are back. Witch hunts are

back. Lies are back. Witch hunts are back. We're dipping back into the dark

back. We're dipping back into the dark ages,

ages, Tom. Not that we ever left

Tom. Not that we ever left them. He pulls a chrome lighter from his

them. He pulls a chrome lighter from his pocket, flicks a flame into life.

pocket, flicks a flame into life. Suddenly, I understand this is real. Oh

Suddenly, I understand this is real. Oh my. I shout. Get out of the house. And

my. I shout. Get out of the house. And then it happens. As I begin to run

then it happens. As I begin to run towards Hrik, a voice rings out,

towards Hrik, a voice rings out, puncturing the night. Stop. It is, of

puncturing the night. Stop. It is, of course, Marion. Her shot rings out. The

course, Marion. Her shot rings out. The noise of it shakes from the sky.

noise of it shakes from the sky. Marian's face looks hard, but her eyes

Marian's face looks hard, but her eyes are now filled with tears, and her hands

are now filled with tears, and her hands are shaking. She's hit her target. Black

are shaking. She's hit her target. Black lines of blood trickle from his shoulder

lines of blood trickle from his shoulder down his arm. But he is raising the can

down his arm. But he is raising the can of petrol and tilting it, pouring the

of petrol and tilting it, pouring the fluid over himself.

fluid over himself. He drops the can as he brings the flame

He drops the can as he brings the flame close to his chest, then violently

close to his chest, then violently blooms into fire. His flaming body

blooms into fire. His flaming body staggers away from the house. He keeps

staggers away from the house. He keeps walking across the grass towards the

walking across the grass towards the sea, the cliff. The vertical fire of

sea, the cliff. The vertical fire of Hendrik walks and walks and then isn't

Hendrik walks and walks and then isn't walking at all. He is

gone. London. Now, Marian does not talk much, but when

Now, Marian does not talk much, but when she does talk, she swears a lot. There

she does talk, she swears a lot. There is a joy she takes in swearing, which I

is a joy she takes in swearing, which I suspect she inherited from her aunt

suspect she inherited from her aunt Grace. She is staying with me for a

Grace. She is staying with me for a little while. Right now, she's sitting

little while. Right now, she's sitting on the chair vaping and humming an old

on the chair vaping and humming an old tune. Do you miss Ma? She asked me. I

tune. Do you miss Ma? She asked me. I miss her every day, even after all these

miss her every day, even after all these years. It's ridiculous, isn't it? She

years. It's ridiculous, isn't it? She smiles sadly, then sucks on her

smiles sadly, then sucks on her ecigarette. Has there been anyone else?

ecigarette. Has there been anyone else? No, mainly. Mainly? Well, there hasn't

No, mainly. Mainly? Well, there hasn't been for centuries, but there is someone

been for centuries, but there is someone at school,

at school, Camille. I like her, but I feel like I

Camille. I like her, but I feel like I might have messed it

might have messed it up. You should just shoot for it. Tell

up. You should just shoot for it. Tell her you messed up. Tell her why you

her you messed up. Tell her why you messed up. Be honest. Honesty works.

messed up. Be honest. Honesty works. Well, honesty gets you locked up in a

Well, honesty gets you locked up in a psych ward, but sometimes it

psych ward, but sometimes it works. What about you? Has there been

works. What about you? Has there been anyone? There was. Yes, there have been

anyone? There was. Yes, there have been a few, but I'm fine on my own. I'm

a few, but I'm fine on my own. I'm happier on my own. Montaigne said that

happier on my own. Montaigne said that the point of life is to give yourself to

the point of life is to give yourself to yourself. I'm working on that.

yourself. I'm working on that. Reading, painting, playing the piano.

Reading, painting, playing the piano. You play the piano? I find it offers

You play the piano? I find it offers more than the tin pipe. Me,

more than the tin pipe. Me, too. I am enjoying this. This is our

too. I am enjoying this. This is our first real proper conversation since

first real proper conversation since Australia. When did you get your lip

Australia. When did you get your lip pierced? About 30 years ago, before it

pierced? About 30 years ago, before it was a thing everyone had. Does it ever

was a thing everyone had. Does it ever hurt? No. Are you judging me? I'm your

hurt? No. Are you judging me? I'm your father. That's what I'm here for.

father. That's what I'm here for. I want her to stay, but she says London

I want her to stay, but she says London gives her panic attacks and she doesn't

gives her panic attacks and she doesn't want to go back to

want to go back to hospital. She says there's a house on

hospital. She says there's a house on Fetlar, one of the Shetland Islands,

Fetlar, one of the Shetland Islands, where she had lived in the 1920s, which

where she had lived in the 1920s, which is still there and abandoned. She says

is still there and abandoned. She says she wants to go back. It saddens me, but

she wants to go back. It saddens me, but I understand and promise to visit as

I understand and promise to visit as soon as I can. Her hands have a slight

soon as I can. Her hands have a slight tremble to them. I wonder at the horrors

tremble to them. I wonder at the horrors she's been through. I wonder about the

she's been through. I wonder about the future, about what will happen to her

future, about what will happen to her and to me now that the secret of the

and to me now that the secret of the Albus is likely to be

Albus is likely to be revealed. But the thing is, you cannot

revealed. But the thing is, you cannot know the future. At some point, you have

know the future. At some point, you have to accept that you don't know. You have

to accept that you don't know. You have to stop flicking ahead and just

to stop flicking ahead and just concentrate on the page you are

on. Leon, France, the

Leon, France, the future. Abraham is old now. He had a

future. Abraham is old now. He had a kidney stone removed last month, but

kidney stone removed last month, but still isn't exactly in great shape.

still isn't exactly in great shape. Today, though, he seems happy, sniffing

Today, though, he seems happy, sniffing a thousand new

a thousand new cents. I'm still scared, I say as we

cents. I'm still scared, I say as we walk Abraham among the beach trees. Of

walk Abraham among the beach trees. Of Camille says

Camille says time. Why are you the one scared of

time. Why are you the one scared of time? You're going to live forever.

time? You're going to live forever. Exactly. And one day you won't be with

Exactly. And one day you won't be with me. She stops. It's strange. What's

me. She stops. It's strange. What's strange? How much time you spend

strange? How much time you spend worrying about the future? Why it always

worrying about the future? Why it always happens? That's the thing with the

happens? That's the thing with the future. Yes, it always happens, but it's

future. Yes, it always happens, but it's not always terrible. Look, look right

not always terrible. Look, look right now at us here. This is the future. She

now at us here. This is the future. She grabs my wrist and places my hand on her

grabs my wrist and places my hand on her stomach. There. Can you feel her? She

stomach. There. Can you feel her? She stops, points through the trees. There

stops, points through the trees. There is a deer. It turns and looks at us,

is a deer. It turns and looks at us, holding our gaze for a moment before

holding our gaze for a moment before darting

darting away. I don't know what will happen,

away. I don't know what will happen, Camille says, staring at the space where

Camille says, staring at the space where the creature had been. I don't know if I

the creature had been. I don't know if I will make it through the afternoon

will make it through the afternoon without having a seizure. Who knows

without having a seizure. Who knows anything? You are no longer insulated,

anything? You are no longer insulated, but I suppose you must touch life in

but I suppose you must touch life in order to spring from

order to spring from it. Was that a quote? I ask.

it. Was that a quote? I ask. Fitzgerald. We carry on walking. I met

Fitzgerald. We carry on walking. I met him, you know, named dropper. It's true.

him, you know, named dropper. It's true. Speaking of names, she says slowly, as

Speaking of names, she says slowly, as if considering her words as carefully as

if considering her words as carefully as her steps on this uneven path. I've been

her steps on this uneven path. I've been thinking, I don't know what you would

thinking, I don't know what you would say now. We know it's going to be a

say now. We know it's going to be a girl. I think we should call her Sophie

girl. I think we should call her Sophie after my grandmother.

after my grandmother. Sophie

Sophie Rose. She holds my hand.

Rose. She holds my hand. Then, just so she is clear, it's hard to

Then, just so she is clear, it's hard to be jealous of someone from four

be jealous of someone from four centuries ago. And besides, I like her.

centuries ago. And besides, I like her. She helped you become

She helped you become you. I think it would be nice to have

you. I think it would be nice to have that thread through

that thread through things. We kiss just standing there in

things. We kiss just standing there in the

the forest. I love her so much. I could not

forest. I love her so much. I could not love her

love her more. And the terror of not allowing

more. And the terror of not allowing myself to love her has beaten that fear

myself to love her has beaten that fear of losing

of losing her. Everything's going to be all right.

her. Everything's going to be all right. Or if not, everything is going to be, so

Or if not, everything is going to be, so let's not

let's not worry. I see now how right she

worry. I see now how right she is. Every moment lasts

is. Every moment lasts forever. It lives on

forever. It lives on somewhere somehow.

somewhere somehow. There is only the

There is only the present. Just as every object on earth

present. Just as every object on earth contains similar and interchanging

contains similar and interchanging atoms, so every fragment of time

atoms, so every fragment of time contains aspects of every other. Yes, it

contains aspects of every other. Yes, it is

is clear. In those moments that burst

clear. In those moments that burst alive, the present lasts forever. And I

alive, the present lasts forever. And I know there are many more presents to

know there are many more presents to live. I

live. I understand. I understand. You can be

understand. I understand. You can be free.

free. I understand that the way you stop

I understand that the way you stop time is by stopping being ruled by

time is by stopping being ruled by [Music]

[Music] it. Tom Hollander was reading the

it. Tom Hollander was reading the concluding installment of How to Stop

concluding installment of How to Stop Time by Matt Hey. It was a bridged by

Time by Matt Hey. It was a bridged by Jeremy Osborne and produced by Lisa

Jeremy Osborne and produced by Lisa Osborne. And it was a sweet talk

Osborne. And it was a sweet talk production for the BBC.

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YouTube Transcript:How to Stop Time (2017) by Matt Haig; read by Tom Hollander

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How to Stop Time (2017) by Matt Haig; read by Tom Hollander