The core theme is that feeling "behind" in life is a common misconception stemming from social comparison and a misunderstanding of personal timelines; true progress is about individual development, resilience, and the quality of one's ending, not the speed or comparison to others.
Mind Map
Click to expand
Click to explore the full interactive mind map • Zoom, pan, and navigate
Life isn't a race, it's a relay. Some
people sprint early, others save their
strength for later. Some are still
building their skills. Stop comparing
your life to the lives of people you
don't even want. Stop comparing your
progress to someone else's performance.
Stop comparing your worth to numbers,
likes, or applause. Stop comparing
because the more you do that, the less
you see what's in your favor.
>> The number one health and wellness podcast,
podcast,
>> J Shetty.
>> J Shetty,
>> the one, the only J Shetty. [Music]
[Music]
>> Hey everyone, it's J Shetty, author of
New York Times bestsellers Think Like a
Monk and Eight Rules of Love. I'm so
glad you're back here. Today we're
talking about what to do if you're
feeling behind in life. If you felt like
everyone else has got their career
right, this episode is for you. If
you're feeling like you should have been
married right now and maybe even had
children, this episode is for you. And
if you're feeling like everyone else is
crushing it, but you've been left
behind, this episode is for you. I think
it's really natural in life to go from
feeling like you were on track to off
track. But what's also natural is to
feel you were always behind. Now where
does this come from? It comes from the
fact that for potentially 16, 18 or 21
years of your life, if you were in
formal education, you moved at the same
pace as everyone. So everyone went from
seventh grade to 8th grade. A lot of
people went from high school to college
and you went from college into your
first job. But it was at that point that
the timelines changed. Maybe your friend
got promoted first and you got promoted
last. Maybe your other friend got
proposed to first and you're still
single. Maybe your other friend had an
amazing wedding and you're sitting here
just trying to plan your weekend. Maybe
another friend has already had a baby
and you're here just trying to figure
out what you're going to watch on
Netflix tonight. It can often feel that
after high school and after college,
there was no system that kept you on the
same page. so you could watch what
everyone else was doing and feel
completely behind.
This episode is to remind you that
you're not late, you're not behind.
Lesson number one, you're not late,
you're on a different timeline. You're
on a different clock. We measure our
worth by comparing timelines with
others. In 1954, psychologist Leon
Festinger noticed something simple but
profound. We don't judge ourselves in
isolation. We judge ourselves by
comparison. In other words, we don't
compare our life or ourselves to who we
were yesterday. We compare our life and
ourselves to who everyone else is today.
Or at least what they tell us. Think
about this. You might feel fine about
your career until you see a classmate on
LinkedIn with a fancy new job title. You
might feel proud of your apartment until
a friend buys a house. You might feel
good about your relationship until you
scroll past someone else's engagement
photos. This is social comparison
theory. Our worth gets measured not
against our own progress but against the
timelines of people around us. This
study absolutely blew my mind. This
study at Harvard gave graduating
students two options. They could either
earn $50,000 a year while everyone else
earns $25,000
or they could earn $100,000 a year while
everyone else earns $200,000.
Which one do you think they chose? Which
one would you choose? Most students
chose the first option. Less actual
money but more status relative to
others. It didn't matter how much they
earned in reality. What mattered was how
much they earned compared to the people
next to them. A 2010 study by the
University of Warick found that life
satisfaction is more influenced by
relative income. What you make compared
to your peers than by absolute income.
Social media has magnified this effect.
According to a study in computers and
human behavior, time spent on social
media correlated directly with increased
feelings of inadequacy due to
comparison. But here's the truth.
Colonel Sanders launched KFC at 65.
There are so many amazing entrepreneurs
who built their dream at 40, 50, 60, 70.
But because we live in an influencer
economy, we all feel that if we're not
multi-millionaires by the time we're 21
or 30, that we're too late. The reality
is there is no universal timeline. What
feels like late is usually just
different. Life isn't a race, it's a
relay. Some people sprint early, others
save their strength for later. Some are
still building their skills. Stop
comparing your life to the lives of
people you don't even want.
Stop comparing your progress to someone
else's performance.
Stop comparing your worth to numbers,
likes, or applause. Stop comparing
because the more you do that, the less
you see what's in your favor. Reminder
number two, endings define the story,
not the start. Think about a movie. It
can be slow at the start, uneven in the
middle, but if the ending is powerful,
that's what you remember. You leave the
theater saying, "Wow, that was
incredible. It blew my mind."
Psychologist Daniel Connean proved this
with his peak end rule. We judge
experiences not by how long they lasted
or even by how they began but by their
most intense moment and above all how
they ended. In one study, patients
undergoing painful medical procedures
remembered the experience as less awful
if the ending was gentler. Even if the
procedure itself was longer, the ending
rewrote the story in memory. And the
same is true for our lives, our careers,
our relationships. A rocky start doesn't
lock in a bad ending. A slow decade
doesn't cancel out the power of where
you finish. A failure today doesn't stop
you from closing with a win tomorrow. So
if you're feeling behind, if you're
feeling stuck in the middle, if your
start has been messy, remember
people won't remember every stumble.
They'll remember how you finished. And
most importantly, you haven't finished
yet. Don't quit in the middle of your
story. Keep going until the ending makes
your struggle worth it. Because the
science is clear. It's not the start
that defines the story. It's how you
choose to end it. According to Connean's
peak rule, you can spend half of your
life behind and still end happy because
that's what matters. One of my favorite
quotes from John Lennon is everything
will be okay in the end. And if it's not
okay, it's not the end. We end before
we've even got started. We finish and
quit before we've even got going. If
you're in the messy middle, you don't
have to feel stuck. No one cares how
long it took you. They care that you
kept going. Reminder number three,
comfort is the real cause of delay.
People love to say they're behind in
life because the world is unfair. And
yes, life can be unfair. But often
that's not the real reason we're stuck.
Here's the harsh truth. We're behind
because comfort has us sedated. You're
not behind because the world is unfair.
You're behind because comfort is
controlling you. Take the parable of the
frog in warm water. Don't actually do
this. But if you drop a frog into
boiling water, it jumps out immediately.
But put it in lukewarm water and heat it
slowly. It won't notice the danger until
it's too late. That's how comfort works.
It doesn't scream, "You're wasting your
life." It whispers, "You're fine here.
Don't push. Maybe tomorrow." Before you
know it, years pass. This is called the
status quo bias. Our brain prefers the
safety of what's familiar, even if it's
not serving us. Research shows that when
faced with change, most people would
rather stick with a mediocre situation
than risk the uncertainty of a better
one. That bias is why people stay in
unfulfilling jobs, toxic relationships,
or unhealthy habits. Not because they
can't change, but because comfort tricks
them into not wanting to. One of my
favorite quotes is from Ticknot Han. He
said, "We will choose familiar pain over
unfamiliar change. We will choose
something that hurts us because it feels familiar
familiar
instead of choosing something that we
don't recognize that might be better for
us." A 2017 study published in Frontiers
in Psychology found that over 80% of
people choose the default option in
experiments even when better
alternatives are available simply to
avoid change. Gallup surveys show that
85% of employees worldwide are
disengaged at work. Yet most don't
leave. Not because they lack ability,
but because comfort feels safer than
growth. So if you feel behind, don't
just blame someone else. Ask yourself,
am I truly trapped or just comfortably
stuck? Because comfort is more dangerous
than failure. Failure wakes you up.
Comfort puts you to sleep. You don't get
ahead by waiting for perfect conditions.
You get ahead by breaking free from the
sedation of comfort. By choosing growth
even when it feels awkward, risky or hard.
hard.
Life is unfair.
You don't need fair. You need focus.
Life can be unfair. You don't need guarantees.
guarantees.
You need grit.
Life can be unfair. You don't need
perfect conditions. You need persistence.
persistence.
Life can be unfair. You don't need equal chances.
chances.
You can make good choices.
Life can be unfair. You don't need luck.
You need leverage.
Life can be unfair. You don't need
comfort. You need consistency. I agree
with you that life can be unfair. I
agree with you that things need to
change. I agree with you that we need to
try and change them. But we also need to
take control of our lives. Number four,
most people ahead of you might not
actually be ahead of you. They might
actually be unhappy. We look at people
who seem ahead, the ones with the money,
the titles, the perfect photos online,
and assume they're happier. But here's
the counterintuitive truth. Most people
ahead of you, could be unhappy. This is
called the hedonic treadmill. Humans
adapt quickly to changes, good or bad.
promotions, new cars, dream houses. They
spike happiness for a moment, then
become the new normal. That's why
someone can be ahead on paper, but feel
empty. They're running faster, earning
more, collecting trophies, but the
treadmill keeps moving, so they never
feel satisfied. The hedonic treadmill
shows that external success doesn't
equal sustained happiness. Here's the
truth. That person you're comparing
yourself to may look ahead but may feel
empty. Fast success often collapses
because the inner foundation wasn't
there. Now this isn't true for everyone
but it's important to understand that
person might be ahead but at what cost?
At what sacrifice? Maybe that was a
sacrifice they were willing to make but
are you? Stop envying a highlight reel
and start studying the life they're
living. You don't know the price that
they paid. You don't know the sacrifice
that they made. Reminder number five,
struggling means you're in the arena.
When you're struggling, it's easy to
think you're failing, but the truth is
struggling means you're in the arena. In
1910, Theodore Roosevelt gave a famous
speech in Paris. He said, "The credit
doesn't belong to the critic, but to the
one actually in the arena whose face is
marred with dust and sweat and blood." A
century later, psychologists are proving
him right. Take startups. Data shows 90%
of new businesses fail. That's brutal.
But here's the twist. The people who
try, even when they fail, are far more
likely to succeed in the next round. A
Harvard Business School study found
entrepreneurs who failed the first time
were more likely to succeed later than
those who never tried at all. See,
that's the interesting thing. If you're
sitting there on the sidelines, you may
never ever win. If you fail the first
time, you could probably win the second
or third. Failure wasn't a dead end. It
was evidence they were in the arena
building resilience, building the skill,
and building knowledge. Psychologists
call this stress inoculation and
post-traumatic growth. Facing challenges
conditions the brain and body to handle
more. Struggle strengthens coping
mechanisms, emotional endurance, and
problem solving skills. Neuroscience
shows that when we're tested, our brain
rewires. The preffrontal cortex
responsible for decision-m and
regulation actually becomes more
resilient through struggle. Hence,
struggling the first time failing and
losing sets you up to win. A study in
psychological science found people with
moderate adversity reported better
mental health and higher life
satisfaction than those with no adversity.
adversity.
Too smooth a life actually weakens us. I
love this quote from Michael Hop. Hard
times create strong men. Strong men
create good times.
Good times create weak men and weak men
create hard times. It's fascinating to
me how some of our best times can
actually weaken us and how some of our
worst times can make us strong and
powerful. Resilience research shows that
exposure to struggle predicts
adaptability in future crisis. That's
the skill you develop. So, if you're
struggling, it doesn't mean you're
losing. It means you're brave enough to
step into the arena. The ones who never
struggle, they're in the stands, safe,
comfortable, and potentially stuck.
Struggle isn't a sign of weakness. It's
a sign you're doing something real.
Every bruise is proof you're in the
fight. Every setback is a scar that
makes you stronger. The dust, the sweat,
the blood, that's the price of the
arena. and it's preparing you. Don't
confuse trying with failing.
Don't confuse practice with losing.
Don't confuse learning with weakness.
Don't confuse falling behind with being
out of the race. Don't confuse starting
over with starting from zero. And don't
confuse scars with shame. They're proof
you showed up. Reminder number six,
you're not behind, you're developing
skills. When you feel behind in life,
it's usually because you're comparing
outcomes. Someone else has the job, the
relationship, the house, and you don't.
But here's the truth. You're not behind.
You're developing skills, and you're
developing your story. JK Rowling was a
single mother living on welfare before
she wrote Harry Potter. From the
outside, she looked behind. No money, no
stability, no career. But those years
weren't wasted. They gave her the
persistence to keep submitting her
manuscript after 12 rejections. They
gave her empathy, which poured into her
characters. They gave her grit, which
became the foundation of her success.
She wasn't behind. She was building
muscles she couldn't see yet. Think
about the most beautiful building you've
ever been inside of. A home, a castle, a
hotel. No one ever went in that building
and said, "I love the foundations of
this building. The foundations of this
building must be amazing. They must be
so deep." You never see the foundations.
But the taller the skyscraper, the
deeper the foundations.
The taller the building, the deeper the foundations.
foundations.
Right now, you could be working on the
foundations that no one sees. And maybe
even you're missing. And one day, when
everyone sees that building, you'll
remember the foundations and everyone
will forget again. Psychologists call
this latent learning. Knowledge and
skills that don't show immediate
results, but surface later when
conditions change. It's also tied to the
concept of deliberate practice. And
Ericson research shows that expertise
isn't just about time spent, but
struggle invested. The slow unseen grind
is what creates mastery. Ericson's
research found that worldclass
performers typically accumulate 10,000
hours of deliberate practice before
breakthroughs. Most of those hours look
invisible from the outside. You know,
sometimes we talk about whether athletes
have a gift or whether they developed
it. I promise you, every athlete that
I've spoken to, every athlete that I've
worked with, the best of the best, they
don't doubt that they have some
God-given talent, but they would be
offended if you didn't count the hours
they put in. if you didn't notice the
work and struggle they put in, the
amount of intensity, because when we say
god-given, we want to imagine like they
didn't do anything. But if you sat down
and spoke to them, they would remind you
of showing up. When I had the
opportunity to interview Kobe Bryant, he
talked about how he was training before
anyone had even walked into the gym. How
he was training even after everyone had
left. When you hear the stories of
Cristiano Ronaldo, there were players
who were coming early to training.
Cristiano Ronaldo was there earlier than
them. That's what it takes. A study from
Stanford found that people often
underestimate how much their skills
compound over time. Progress feels slow
in the moment but accelerates later like
compound interest. So when you feel
behind, it's not that you're failing,
it's that your skills are incubating.
The world only sees outcomes. But
psychology shows that invisible skills,
resilience, persistence, patience are
the very traits that predict long-term success.
success.
Stop measuring your life only by
outcomes. Start noticing the skills
you're building in the struggle because
you're not late, you're preparing. And
preparation always looks like you're
behind until the moment it doesn't.
Thank you so much for listening to
today. I hope you'll pass this on to a
friend who may be feeling behind. As
always, I'm sharing with you research,
science, spiritual wisdom, and insights
from a 360° perspective. And remember,
make sure you subscribe so you never
miss an episode. I'm forever in your
corner and I'm always rooting for you.
If you love this podcast, you'll love my
episode with Lewis Hamilton. Lewis and I
talk about why you should stop chasing
society's definition of success and how
to be more intentional with your goals.
You don't want to miss it.
>> Like, it's not about being perfect. It's
about just every day, one step at a
time, trying to be better, trying to do
more. I'm learning a lot about myself. I
have to break myself down in order to be
Click on any text or timestamp to jump to that moment in the video
Share:
Most transcripts ready in under 5 seconds
One-Click Copy125+ LanguagesSearch ContentJump to Timestamps
Paste YouTube URL
Enter any YouTube video link to get the full transcript
Transcript Extraction Form
Most transcripts ready in under 5 seconds
Get Our Chrome Extension
Get transcripts instantly without leaving YouTube. Install our Chrome extension for one-click access to any video's transcript directly on the watch page.
