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Most AVOIDANTS Pull Away UNLESS THIS Happens 💬💔🔑
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If you know anything about dismissive
avoidant attachment styles, you know
that they are masters at pulling away
without reason. But in specific
relationships, there does tend to be a
turning point. In fact, most avoidants
will pull away in relationships unless
this one thing happens. And we're going
[Music]
So let me tell you a story about this. I
want to tell you a story of an avoidant
client that I worked with because as
many of you know who watch this channel,
I have worked in the field of attachment
styles and relationships for the past 10
plus years and saw many many clients.
Now this client we are going to call
Mary and Mary was a dismissive avoidant.
that she was a lovely woman and she
never wanted to be vulnerable in
relationships. So, prior to coming in to
do the work, she would find herself
going through these patterns of jumping
from relationship to relationship over
and over again. Now, if we looked back
into her childhood in traditional
dismissive avoidant fashion, we would
see that she had both parents who were
kind of unavailable in her upbringing,
not really there. And if she was too
emotional as a kid, she would often get
shamed or dismissed. So she grew up to
think, okay, I have to repress my
emotions and disconnect from them. And
so as an adult, of course, she didn't
want to feel her emotions because she
was conditioned for years and years to
think that her emotions were bad. They
were weak. They were not okay. So when
she came to see me, she actually came in
because she said she was truly
interested in somebody. And she was
willing to acknowledge that she had this
history of pushing people away that she
was interested in and then sometimes
feeling a little bit regretful about it
later. And she realized, you know, the
common denominator in a lot of these
situations was me. Because as soon as
there would start to be momentum or
depth in the relationship, I would shut
down and panic. And I would start to
look for all the flaws in a person and
make excuses for all the reasons why the
relationship couldn't work. But after
decades of doing this, she decided it
was time to really take a deeper look at
this situation. And she knew this about
herself and she was ready to work on it.
which believe it or not, contrary to
popular belief on the internet, there
are many avoidants who really show up
well to do the work. So, she was dating
somebody for a few months who we'll call
Bob. And as things started to become
more serious, she came in and she said,
"I'm starting to feel panicked." And
when I say serious, these were things
like Bob wanting to define the
relationship and talk about the future
and talk about like maybe moving in
together one day. And she kept feeling
afraid. But something that was unique
about Bob is that this man was quite
secure. He had a secure upbringing, a
secure background, and I could tell he
was secure by the way he handled
situations like this. So one day he and
Mary were having a conversation and as
he was saying, you know, do we want to
travel next year? Do we want to plan
something fun to do together? He could
see her starting to withdraw. She would
often go silent and kind of clam up
around conversations about the future.
And this is what he basically said to
her. He said,"I know you and I know that
you like to take your time and move at
your own pace, and I understand and
respect that. And in fact, I'm
interested in you enough and patient
enough to go at your pace. But I also
value my time and I know what I'm
looking for. And what I need from you is
to know that you are willing to grow in
the situation. I will be patient, but I
also need to see effort from your side.
I need to know that you are interested
in progressing this relationship, even
if it's
overtime. And she said that when he said
that to her, she felt seen. She felt
considered. But she also realized
because she felt seen and considered and
it wasn't a threat. It wasn't criticism
that she had the bandwidth all of a
sudden to realize, yeah, like I get why
he feels like that and I have to take a
look at that and my side of things in
the situation as well. And then what he
did next, I think is what really
confirmed with me when I was hearing
this information from from Mary how
secure he was. he proceeded to see his
needs through and hold her accountable.
So, for example, if she would pull away
after they spent the weekend together
and it was really vulnerable and they
really connected, you know, one thing
that's very common is that an avoidant
after like a really connected and
vulnerable weekend together that an
avoidant has a little bit of a
vulnerability hangover and they need to
literally retreat for for a couple days
after and the communication often
becomes sparse. But in situations like
that, he wouldn't put up with that. He
wouldn't just let this the communication
become sparse. He would gently call her
out every single time she retreated. And
he would say things like, "Hey, you
know, I know we had a great weekend. I
know you're doing your own thing, but
for me, I need to know that we're going
to check in. When are you free to chat
later today?" And because she was being
gently called out and held accountable
in a healthy way and because this would
happen not from a place of anger and not
from a place of Bob building up this
frustration because for days at a time
she wasn't communicating and he wasn't
saying anything. No, he would
communicate in the moment as directly as
possible but gently and with respect and
with the capacity to see Mary the entire
time. So, what is this one thing then
that stops an avoidant from pulling
away? If you're somebody who's truly
interested in helping others while also
securing financial freedom for your
future, there is a limited time option
to join our 50% off certified
relationship coach program. And this is
a 12-week program where you can create
financial freedom, work from anywhere in
the world, and truly make an impact on
other individuals lives by becoming a
certified relationship coach in just 12
weeks. Throughout this entire 12 weeks,
you will learn all of the tools that you
need to discover somebody's attachment
style and help them heal and change
their attachment style if they are
insecurely attached so that they can
become secure and build the best
relationships of their life. On top of
that, you'll learn all about the
subconscious mind and how to actually
rewire our painful limiting beliefs, our
painful behavioral patterns, and help
your clients learn their relationship
needs as well as the needs of their
loved ones. You'll also learn how to
build a thriving coaching practice and
set yourself up for long-term success.
You'll learn all of the business tips
and tools you need to build funnels,
leverage marketing strategies, and
really thrive in the marketplace, even
if you have absolutely no coaching
experience. This certification will give
you everything you need starting from
scratch to become a thriving
relationship coach. You can find more
using the link down below. It is the
ability for you to express your needs
while gently holding the other person's
behavior accountable, right? It's you
being able to say what you're needing.
Does this ensure that every single
avoidant attachment style will show up?
No. Because it doesn't read the mind of
all people. But does it help progress
the relationship for an avoidant who is
willing to grow? Yes. And do you know
what's magical about that? What's so
important about that is the fact that if
you are able to do that, you're
advocating for yourself. You're behind
yourself and your own self-esteem will
improve as a result of that. And you get
to vet, you get to see, is this person
willing to do the work with me? And in
my opinion, that's what we should all be
looking for in a relationship. A
relationship isn't about two perfect
people getting together. A relationship
is about people who are imperfect
getting together who are willing to see
each other, willing to make compromises
for each other, willing to communicate
their needs and look out for each other
and support each other in that process.
And if you are vetting to see when you
do communicate your needs, does that
person show up? You're making sure that
you're also not jumping into a
relationship with somebody who may not
be able to. And honestly, when we do
things that way, there are far more
avoidance who do show up to do the work
than you would think. But if if
somebody's not, then you have such a
clear answer. And this allows you to
then decide, is this the right
relationship for me to be in? So, I know
a lot of you are so scared to advocate
for your needs or nervous like, what if
I do say that I need something and it
pushes the person away? Well, then you
have to trust that that will be for the
right reasons. And a perfect a person
isn't going to be perfect and meet all
of your needs all of the time, but you
need to see effort. You need to see
consistency. You need to know that they
are trying to move in that direction,
even if it's in imperfect ways. So, with
that being said, if you want to do a
deeper dive into your communication and
how to really communicate with an
avoidant in a way that's likely to get
them to see and hear you and respect
your needs and want to show up for them,
I have a course you can check out fully
for free for a limited time all about
how to communicate with individuals from
different attachment styles. I will put
the link in the description box down
below. If you want to watch more videos
about attachment styles as a whole and
learn a little bit more about the
basics, you can check out these videos
here. And thank you so much for
watching. Please subscribe to this
channel if you enjoyed today's video.
And I can't wait to see you in the next one.
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