0:02 If you know anything about dismissive
0:04 avoidant attachment styles, you know
0:06 that they are masters at pulling away
0:09 without reason. But in specific
0:11 relationships, there does tend to be a
0:14 turning point. In fact, most avoidants
0:18 will pull away in relationships unless
0:19 this one thing happens. And we're going
0:26 [Music]
0:30 So let me tell you a story about this. I
0:32 want to tell you a story of an avoidant
0:34 client that I worked with because as
0:36 many of you know who watch this channel,
0:38 I have worked in the field of attachment
0:41 styles and relationships for the past 10
0:45 plus years and saw many many clients.
0:47 Now this client we are going to call
0:51 Mary and Mary was a dismissive avoidant.
0:54 that she was a lovely woman and she
0:56 never wanted to be vulnerable in
0:58 relationships. So, prior to coming in to
1:00 do the work, she would find herself
1:01 going through these patterns of jumping
1:04 from relationship to relationship over
1:06 and over again. Now, if we looked back
1:08 into her childhood in traditional
1:11 dismissive avoidant fashion, we would
1:13 see that she had both parents who were
1:15 kind of unavailable in her upbringing,
1:17 not really there. And if she was too
1:18 emotional as a kid, she would often get
1:21 shamed or dismissed. So she grew up to
1:22 think, okay, I have to repress my
1:24 emotions and disconnect from them. And
1:26 so as an adult, of course, she didn't
1:28 want to feel her emotions because she
1:30 was conditioned for years and years to
1:32 think that her emotions were bad. They
1:34 were weak. They were not okay. So when
1:36 she came to see me, she actually came in
1:38 because she said she was truly
1:40 interested in somebody. And she was
1:42 willing to acknowledge that she had this
1:44 history of pushing people away that she
1:46 was interested in and then sometimes
1:48 feeling a little bit regretful about it
1:49 later. And she realized, you know, the
1:51 common denominator in a lot of these
1:53 situations was me. Because as soon as
1:55 there would start to be momentum or
1:56 depth in the relationship, I would shut
1:59 down and panic. And I would start to
2:01 look for all the flaws in a person and
2:03 make excuses for all the reasons why the
2:05 relationship couldn't work. But after
2:07 decades of doing this, she decided it
2:10 was time to really take a deeper look at
2:12 this situation. And she knew this about
2:13 herself and she was ready to work on it.
2:15 which believe it or not, contrary to
2:17 popular belief on the internet, there
2:18 are many avoidants who really show up
2:21 well to do the work. So, she was dating
2:23 somebody for a few months who we'll call
2:26 Bob. And as things started to become
2:28 more serious, she came in and she said,
2:30 "I'm starting to feel panicked." And
2:32 when I say serious, these were things
2:34 like Bob wanting to define the
2:36 relationship and talk about the future
2:38 and talk about like maybe moving in
2:40 together one day. And she kept feeling
2:43 afraid. But something that was unique
2:45 about Bob is that this man was quite
2:48 secure. He had a secure upbringing, a
2:50 secure background, and I could tell he
2:52 was secure by the way he handled
2:56 situations like this. So one day he and
2:58 Mary were having a conversation and as
3:00 he was saying, you know, do we want to
3:01 travel next year? Do we want to plan
3:03 something fun to do together? He could
3:05 see her starting to withdraw. She would
3:07 often go silent and kind of clam up
3:09 around conversations about the future.
3:11 And this is what he basically said to
3:14 her. He said,"I know you and I know that
3:16 you like to take your time and move at
3:18 your own pace, and I understand and
3:20 respect that. And in fact, I'm
3:23 interested in you enough and patient
3:27 enough to go at your pace. But I also
3:29 value my time and I know what I'm
3:31 looking for. And what I need from you is
3:33 to know that you are willing to grow in
3:36 the situation. I will be patient, but I
3:39 also need to see effort from your side.
3:40 I need to know that you are interested
3:43 in progressing this relationship, even
3:44 if it's
3:48 overtime. And she said that when he said
3:51 that to her, she felt seen. She felt
3:53 considered. But she also realized
3:55 because she felt seen and considered and
3:58 it wasn't a threat. It wasn't criticism
3:59 that she had the bandwidth all of a
4:02 sudden to realize, yeah, like I get why
4:04 he feels like that and I have to take a
4:07 look at that and my side of things in
4:09 the situation as well. And then what he
4:13 did next, I think is what really
4:14 confirmed with me when I was hearing
4:18 this information from from Mary how
4:21 secure he was. he proceeded to see his
4:25 needs through and hold her accountable.
4:27 So, for example, if she would pull away
4:29 after they spent the weekend together
4:30 and it was really vulnerable and they
4:32 really connected, you know, one thing
4:34 that's very common is that an avoidant
4:36 after like a really connected and
4:38 vulnerable weekend together that an
4:40 avoidant has a little bit of a
4:42 vulnerability hangover and they need to
4:44 literally retreat for for a couple days
4:46 after and the communication often
4:49 becomes sparse. But in situations like
4:51 that, he wouldn't put up with that. He
4:53 wouldn't just let this the communication
4:55 become sparse. He would gently call her
4:58 out every single time she retreated. And
5:00 he would say things like, "Hey, you
5:02 know, I know we had a great weekend. I
5:04 know you're doing your own thing, but
5:05 for me, I need to know that we're going
5:07 to check in. When are you free to chat
5:10 later today?" And because she was being
5:12 gently called out and held accountable
5:15 in a healthy way and because this would
5:17 happen not from a place of anger and not
5:20 from a place of Bob building up this
5:22 frustration because for days at a time
5:23 she wasn't communicating and he wasn't
5:25 saying anything. No, he would
5:28 communicate in the moment as directly as
5:31 possible but gently and with respect and
5:34 with the capacity to see Mary the entire
5:37 time. So, what is this one thing then
5:38 that stops an avoidant from pulling
5:41 away? If you're somebody who's truly
5:42 interested in helping others while also
5:44 securing financial freedom for your
5:47 future, there is a limited time option
5:51 to join our 50% off certified
5:52 relationship coach program. And this is
5:55 a 12-week program where you can create
5:57 financial freedom, work from anywhere in
6:00 the world, and truly make an impact on
6:02 other individuals lives by becoming a
6:05 certified relationship coach in just 12
6:07 weeks. Throughout this entire 12 weeks,
6:09 you will learn all of the tools that you
6:10 need to discover somebody's attachment
6:12 style and help them heal and change
6:14 their attachment style if they are
6:16 insecurely attached so that they can
6:18 become secure and build the best
6:20 relationships of their life. On top of
6:22 that, you'll learn all about the
6:23 subconscious mind and how to actually
6:26 rewire our painful limiting beliefs, our
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6:30 your clients learn their relationship
6:32 needs as well as the needs of their
6:34 loved ones. You'll also learn how to
6:36 build a thriving coaching practice and
6:39 set yourself up for long-term success.
6:41 You'll learn all of the business tips
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6:47 really thrive in the marketplace, even
6:48 if you have absolutely no coaching
6:50 experience. This certification will give
6:53 you everything you need starting from
6:54 scratch to become a thriving
6:56 relationship coach. You can find more
6:59 using the link down below. It is the
7:01 ability for you to express your needs
7:05 while gently holding the other person's
7:07 behavior accountable, right? It's you
7:09 being able to say what you're needing.
7:11 Does this ensure that every single
7:14 avoidant attachment style will show up?
7:17 No. Because it doesn't read the mind of
7:19 all people. But does it help progress
7:22 the relationship for an avoidant who is
7:24 willing to grow? Yes. And do you know
7:27 what's magical about that? What's so
7:30 important about that is the fact that if
7:32 you are able to do that, you're
7:35 advocating for yourself. You're behind
7:37 yourself and your own self-esteem will
7:39 improve as a result of that. And you get
7:42 to vet, you get to see, is this person
7:44 willing to do the work with me? And in
7:45 my opinion, that's what we should all be
7:47 looking for in a relationship. A
7:49 relationship isn't about two perfect
7:51 people getting together. A relationship
7:52 is about people who are imperfect
7:55 getting together who are willing to see
7:57 each other, willing to make compromises
7:58 for each other, willing to communicate
8:00 their needs and look out for each other
8:02 and support each other in that process.
8:04 And if you are vetting to see when you
8:06 do communicate your needs, does that
8:09 person show up? You're making sure that
8:11 you're also not jumping into a
8:13 relationship with somebody who may not
8:16 be able to. And honestly, when we do
8:18 things that way, there are far more
8:20 avoidance who do show up to do the work
8:21 than you would think. But if if
8:24 somebody's not, then you have such a
8:27 clear answer. And this allows you to
8:28 then decide, is this the right
8:30 relationship for me to be in? So, I know
8:32 a lot of you are so scared to advocate
8:34 for your needs or nervous like, what if
8:35 I do say that I need something and it
8:37 pushes the person away? Well, then you
8:38 have to trust that that will be for the
8:41 right reasons. And a perfect a person
8:43 isn't going to be perfect and meet all
8:45 of your needs all of the time, but you
8:47 need to see effort. You need to see
8:49 consistency. You need to know that they
8:51 are trying to move in that direction,
8:55 even if it's in imperfect ways. So, with
8:56 that being said, if you want to do a
8:58 deeper dive into your communication and
8:59 how to really communicate with an
9:02 avoidant in a way that's likely to get
9:04 them to see and hear you and respect
9:06 your needs and want to show up for them,
9:07 I have a course you can check out fully
9:10 for free for a limited time all about
9:13 how to communicate with individuals from
9:15 different attachment styles. I will put
9:16 the link in the description box down
9:18 below. If you want to watch more videos
9:20 about attachment styles as a whole and
9:21 learn a little bit more about the
9:23 basics, you can check out these videos
9:24 here. And thank you so much for
9:26 watching. Please subscribe to this
9:27 channel if you enjoyed today's video.
9:28 And I can't wait to see you in the next one.
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