0:20 hi Hannah nice to meet you hi so I
0:22 understand that you were referred to me
0:23 by your GP because you've been
0:26 experiencing some anxiety
0:30 difficulties yeah um yeah I guess kind
0:32 it kind of started like five six years
0:36 ago okay um it kind of it escalated a
0:38 bit um I've just recently moved out um
0:41 from living with my parents so it's made
0:44 it a bit worse I think okay is this the
0:47 first time that you've left home uh yeah
0:49 I um yeah it is the first time actually
0:52 yeah um I was going to a few years ago I
0:54 just thought it would be easier to stay
0:56 home so okay so it's been quite a big
0:59 stth and a big change and and it sounds
1:01 like that that was what led you to go to
1:04 your GP yeah so how has that uh changed
1:08 things for you um you know it's kind of
1:11 I haven't really told anyone so I mean
1:12 it's made it like better in the sense I
1:14 feel hopefully this is you know this is
1:17 it like it will it will help but I don't
1:19 know I don't like thinking that I've
1:21 like had to do this I never thought I'd
1:22 like be the kind of person you'd have to
1:25 actually go and like get help if that
1:27 makes sense okay so how do you feel
1:30 about being here today
1:32 it's like scared I don't know hopefully
1:34 it will help okay so you've been feeling
1:37 a little bit anxious about today yeah
1:39 okay so I guess just going back to um
1:41 why you went to the GP and and how
1:42 you've ended up kind of coming here
1:43 today so it sounds like you've been
1:45 experiencing anxiety for quite a few
1:48 years um but just recently you moved out
1:51 of home for the first time and um and
1:52 that was what kind of LED you to go to
1:55 the GP so how did that change things how
1:58 were things after you moved out um I
2:00 thought that they'd be better but
2:02 because I thought I'd have to kind of be
2:04 independent and but it's actually a lot
2:06 worse I'm I'm just kind of staying in
2:08 the house a lot I don't really have any
2:10 friends or anything I mean my family
2:13 come and visit a bit but it's not I
2:16 don't know it's kind of scary because
2:19 I've just been kind of literally just in
2:20 the flat by myself which I always
2:23 thought I'd like but I don't actually
2:26 like it okay so what are the kind of
2:28 difficulties that you have been
2:30 experiencing um I mean I'm I'm a
2:35 photographer um so I kind of it's It's
2:37 been stopping me a bit my anxiety from
2:39 being able to get work and because every
2:42 time you know there's an opportunity
2:44 that is kind of involving me having to
2:46 interact with people I just tend to just
2:49 turn it down so I was kind of making
2:52 things hard in that respect and um just
2:54 kind of friends wise and everything I
2:56 just feel like I'm just kind of
2:59 increasingly more alone so it's kind of
3:02 stopping me from making friends and you
3:05 know like relationships and stuff okay
3:08 so you said that um your difficulties
3:09 are getting in the way of you doing
3:11 certain things so they're they're
3:13 stopping you from taking up kind of
3:15 certain types of work and as a freelance
3:16 photographer I guess that that can be
3:19 kind of a problem and they're also
3:20 stopping you or you feel like it's
3:22 stunting you uh socially you're not kind
3:24 of able to make new friends and get to
3:28 meet new people yeah yeah um it was kind
3:30 of easier when I was at home because I
3:32 was obviously I me and my parents and so
3:35 that's fine but you know they would I'd
3:37 go to places with them or I'd kind of
3:39 have people there but more and more I'm
3:42 just finding myself just staying in a
3:45 lot I mean I went like two weeks give
3:46 coffee with my friends and the whole
3:48 time I was just kind of wanting to go
3:51 home again so I don't I just don't want
3:52 to I don't want that to happen I don't
3:54 want to lose
3:56 everyone so so you're kind of worried
3:59 about how where this is going to lead to
4:00 yeah um
4:02 yeah okay so you said that you first
4:04 noticed the anxiety kicking in when
4:07 about five or six years ago so you would
4:10 have been about 19 yeah and what was
4:12 happening around that time uh I guess
4:15 I'd finished school about a year before
4:19 that um and I mean I I've always been a
4:21 bit shy um at school but it was never
4:24 ever like it didn't really affect things
4:26 as much as not at all as much as it has
4:28 been doing the last few years I guess it
4:30 just started when it like my friends
4:32 went to University and I don't know I
4:34 felt like I was expected to kind of move
4:37 out or just do something and then it
4:39 just kind of escalated from there I'd
4:42 just stop going to parties or I'd just
4:45 say no to invitations or I don't know I
4:48 thought my job would help because I mean
4:50 I love it I really like doing
4:53 photography but I'm just kind of getting
4:56 less and less work as it goes on so
4:59 which is my fault I keep saying no but
5:00 what kind work is the most difficult for
5:03 you in your job I guess when it I have
5:06 to kind of be working with other people
5:09 um I don't like that it's like when I'm
5:13 trying to kind of do an event or
5:15 something where there's a lot of people
5:17 there not just photographers but actual
5:18 you know if I'm like taking photos of
5:21 people that I don't know I just kind of
5:23 find myself saying no I mean I want to
5:27 do them but just it's scary so I just
5:30 don't do it so I tell me a bit more
5:32 about what happens then so let's focus
5:36 on maybe an invitation to do a job with
5:38 uh you know it's going to involve uh
5:40 photography with with a group of people
5:41 and you're going to have to have social
5:43 interaction what kind of thoughts go
5:48 through your head um just I mean I get
5:51 really hot and sweaty and I don't I feel
5:53 like everyone's kind of looking at me
5:56 and thinking that I'm just like really
5:58 stupid and I feel like they're all going
6:00 to be staring and thinking I just can't
6:04 do my job and I'm just an idiot and I
6:06 mean they'll think that I just look like
6:09 a weirdo and I just try and I mean I
6:10 just kind of just try and get out of the
6:12 situation or just focus on something
6:15 else so that's why I like doing shots
6:17 where it's just me and the camera
6:19 because I then I can just put all my
6:22 attention on that instead of having to
6:25 you know be with other people okay so it
6:26 sounds like you have quite a lot of
6:28 thoughts rushing through your head then
6:29 at the point where you get that
6:32 invitation you think people look people
6:33 will stare people will think I'm a
6:36 weirdo there's quite a lot about what
6:38 you what you think are the people will
6:40 think yeah um and how does that make you
6:43 feel um just makes me feel like an idiot
6:46 it makes me feel like I just shouldn't
6:48 even bother trying to do it anymore I
6:52 should just go home and I just I think I
6:54 just don't want to be in that situation
6:56 I just feel like everyone else is fine
6:58 and they're normal and I'm just the
7:00 freak who can't like do normal things
7:04 and okay can you give me an example of a
7:06 recent situation maybe we can focus on
7:08 that um like a work situation or just
7:10 yeah time when you were maybe doing a
7:12 job with some people and you felt the
7:13 social anxiety you know that you
7:15 describing you felt that kick in yeah um
7:18 I was doing a job where it was kind of
7:20 like a a nature shoot and I was having
7:22 to work with a lot of different people
7:25 um and and when they told me about the
7:26 job I thought it would be fine I thought
7:28 it was just going to be a few other
7:30 photographers but there actually people
7:32 in you know as was taking photos of
7:35 people kind of in the trees and stuff
7:38 like that and I get they asked me to him
7:39 that sounds quite interesting was was
7:40 that a fashion shoot or something yeah
7:42 yeah it was a fashion thing I think it
7:45 was for some kind of I'm not sure if it
7:48 was a campaign or something but it was
7:50 yeah it was really cool but I find it
7:53 found it really hard to try and focus on
7:55 that cuz I was so I was kind of feeling
7:57 really anxious and so it wasn't what you
8:00 expected no it was no so how long ago
8:02 was that that was two weeks ago okay so
8:05 it's quite recent so on that particular
8:06 day what were the thoughts that you had
8:08 in your head when you were in that
8:12 situation I just felt really just really
8:14 kind of hot I couldn't really breathe
8:16 and just felt like I wanted to just get
8:18 out and I was kind of trying really
8:21 really hard to just focus and just you
8:23 know like kind of hold the camera and
8:26 just not think about anything but I just
8:28 felt like everyone was looking at me and
8:30 like when they'd say
8:31 action and they trying to get me to
8:33 start and I was just felt like everyone
8:35 was just thinking I was really stupid
8:37 and I shouldn't have been there and I
8:38 can tell you getting kind of anxious
8:40 even just thinking about that day yeah
8:41 okay so you're describing quite a lot
8:43 there to me so you're saying that you
8:45 you kind of got hot and sweaty you said
8:48 that you you held the camera yeah what
8:49 was do you mean you kind of trying to
8:52 hide behind it or I just trying to focus
8:54 on it I was just thinking if I could
8:56 just hold it really tightly it would
8:59 just I don't know I'd kind of just be
9:01 able to just get through it and just
9:02 focus so you're holding the camera very
9:05 tightly and why was that why was that
9:07 helpful cuz I felt like I was getting
9:09 really like hot and flushed and I just
9:11 thought at least if I can just I don't
9:13 know it sounds weird but I was just
9:14 trying to keep my hands still on it cuz
9:16 my hands were kind of sweaty and like
9:19 shaking like loads like and I could just
9:21 tell everyone was looking and they could
9:23 see and I just thought if I just managed
9:24 to hold on to it it wouldn't be as
9:28 noticeable but okay so okay so it sounds
9:30 like you had a lot of thoughts going
9:33 through your head um he said that you
9:35 worried that everyone was looking at you
9:36 what other thoughts were there that were
9:40 in your mind just I was just just stupid
9:44 and it was just really just felt really
9:46 like kind of like everyone was just
9:50 going to be staring and just thinking
9:51 that like I just felt like everyone was
9:54 looking at me and just they could tell
9:56 and just thinking what what she doing
9:59 and they could tell what I was just
10:01 really like sweaty and just oh so oh
10:03 like that they could see that there was
10:05 okay yeah um so I was trying to wear
10:07 black so this kind of tries to cover it
10:09 up and just like a lot of layers so they
10:12 can't tell but I mean my hands like they
10:15 was so shaking I was really red and just
10:17 just just wishing that I just wasn't
10:19 there so I mean you've already described
10:22 it to me a little bit but if you think
10:24 about how you looked that day how how do
10:26 you say how do you think you looked I
10:29 think just really stupid and like I
10:31 think my face was really red I could
10:33 feel it flushing and I knew that I was
10:37 probably sweating and shaking like my
10:38 hands were definitely really really
10:41 shaking um and every it was like
10:43 definitely really noticeable everyone
10:45 could definitely see okay and what what
10:47 did you do about how did you try and
10:50 conceal that or hide that um well again
10:52 I was trying to grip the camera just
10:55 look down just trying not to do anything
10:57 weird or cuz I mean they could probably
11:00 tell I was being weird anyway but
11:02 hopefully I I just tried really hard to
11:05 just focus and look down not trying like
11:08 not look at anyone else and just yeah
11:10 just kind of try and get on with it as
11:12 best as I could but so you avoided
11:14 looking at people it sounds like you
11:16 wore black as well in kind of
11:18 preparation anyway yeah no I I always do
11:21 that even if it's really hot or I wear
11:23 just loads of layers and just cuz
11:24 otherwise like I'll just be really
11:27 sweaty and like people would definitely
11:29 be able to see so right and how did it
11:33 end um well it kind of went on for like
11:37 an hour or so and then um people were
11:40 going um just after every shoot people
11:42 go out for drinks after just to kind of
11:44 celebrate like that we've done it but I
11:46 just I went home straight away just got
11:47 in my car and went home I just didn't
11:49 want to be around them especially after
11:51 they would have seen me being weird and
11:54 I just wanted to get get home straight
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