Dealing with difficult coworkers is common and can negatively impact mental health and career, but understanding specific behavioral archetypes and adjusting your own reactions can improve workplace dynamics.
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- Did you know that 80% of people say they work
with at least one terrible coworker?
Workplaces are full of people who
are going to push our buttons, or annoy us, or irritate us.
We often think, eh, it's just work, right?
I can go home. I can let go.
But what we see in the research
is that one negative interaction between you
and another colleague can have a detrimental effect
on your mental health and your career.
It doesn't have to be that way.
I'm Amy Gallo.
I'm the co-host
of Harvard Business Review's Women at Work podcast
and the author of "Getting Along:
How to Work with Anyone, Even Difficult People."
(gentle music)
When I started writing my book,
I really wanted to get people help
with their particular colleagues
that were pushing their buttons.
I knew that there was lots of research
about how to handle specific patterns of behavior.
So I developed eight archetypes
of people we find most annoying at work
and how to address those patterns of behavior
to get the results that you want.
The eight archetypes are the insecure boss, the pessimist,
the victim, the passive-aggressive peer, the know-it-all,
the tormentor, the biased coworker,
and the political operator.
I've divided the patterns of behavior into eight archetypes
because I want you to be able to get the specific advice
that you need and, perhaps more importantly,
to make sense of the behavior that you're observing
in your colleague.
- [Camerawoman] Of your eight archetypes,
what are your three favorites?
- None of the archetypes are my favorite
because they're all not that fun to deal with.
But I think the three most difficult archetypes
to get along with are, number one,
the passive-aggressive peer.
The person who says one thing then does another,
or acts as if they're really angry,
but when you ask them how they're doing, they say,
"I'm just fine."
Bill Lumbergh,
the character from "Office Space", for example.
- We have sort of a problem here.
Yeah, you apparently didn't put one of the new cover sheets
on your TPS reports.
Did you see the memo about this?
- When someone is behaving passive-aggressively,
recognize that they're probably
not being passive-aggressive on purpose;
chances are they're afraid of something.
They're afraid of failure or rejection;
they're conflict-averse, or they feel powerless.
You can try to understand a little bit more
about what's underneath that.
You won't call them passive-aggressive.
Ideally, you will not dismiss them for that behavior,
but you'll use that understanding to allow room
for them to articulate their thoughts and feelings
in a more direct way.
The second is the insecure boss.
They tend to micromanage.
You might think about Michael Scott from "The Office".
- Here's what's going to happen.
I'm going to have to fix you,
manage you two on a more personal scale,
a more micro form of management.
Jim, what is that called?
- Microgement. - Boom. Yes.
- Their lack of security
can often make you question yourself.
One of the tactics right away
is to point out what they're good at,
and it has to be something you genuinely feel
they're good at.
Are they good at pointing out risks?
Are they good at bringing the team together?
Point that out.
Tell them that you appreciate it, if you do.
The third archetype that I find incredibly challenging
is the tormentor.
This archetype is most like Darth Vader.
- I'm here to put you back on schedule.
- I assure you, Lord Vader,
my men are working as fast as they can.
- Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them.
- That's the person who you expect to be a mentor,
but who seems set on undermining you.
This person can really damage your career
and damage your self-esteem
by making you feel like you are not cut out for the job
that you know you are.
So what do you do when someone is tormenting you
instead of lifting you up?
Show that you're invested in their success.
Show that you're willing to focus on what their goals are.
You are not challenging them. You're not threatening them.
When you have a negative interaction with a colleague,
it is tempting to focus on all the ways
that you would like them to change,
but you cannot always control how they think,
what they value, and how they behave.
And you certainly can't control whether they are invested
in changing the way they behave.
What you can impact is the way you think about
and react to them, and then how you behave,
which will not only change the dynamic between you,
but will also model the behavior
that you hope to see from them.
So really the first place to start is to do some reflection,
not just on the way that you might be contributing
to the dynamic,
but also on why you have such a strong reaction to it.
What might be a rational reason for why they're behaving
the way they are?
You know, all of that reflection will help lay
the groundwork so that you can then choose tactics
that you want to try to alter the dynamic
and ideally improve the relationship.
(gentle music)
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