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Everything Women Should NEVER Do For A Man
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Have you ever felt like you're doing too
much for a man who is giving you less
than even the bare minimum? Isn't it
frustrating when you're investing when
you're giving your time, energy, and
attention to someone who the feeling is
never ever mutual with? Well, what if I
told you that stems from the idea that
there are certain things you should
never be doing with a man? Which is
exactly why on today's show, we're going
to be discussing everything you should
never do for a man. That way, you no
longer end up being the one who is left
disappointed and emotionally drained,
and you can finally have the
relationship and love that you've always
been searching for. Point number one, I
never want you to do this with any man
that you're dating, any man that you
start dating, or any man that you've
been dating for a while. Let me explain
why this can turn out horribly for you.
See, let's say you're with a guy and
when you start talking to him, you get
accustomed to the frequency at which
he'll be talking to you. So, he messages
you uh every hour or maybe in some cases
he's a textaholic and he messages you
every 5 minutes. This obviously feels
good in the moment. But let's be real,
not everything lasts forever and
especially the frequency at which a man
will talk to you is not necessarily
going to last forever. So then you come
to a crossroads where now his timing in
which the amount of time he'll take to
message you has gone from being 1 hour
which you know that works for you to
being maybe 3 hours and now you're like
you know 3 hours uh I'm not that happy
in fact I'm a little bit neutral. I
would love for it to go back to 1 hour.
And then all of a sudden as time goes on
now he's taking one day to respond to
you and you're very unhappy. Okay. And
it only gets worse from there. Now,
here's the problem that a lot of you
will make a mistake of, right? See, as
this process is going along, right, and
he's taking more time, he's being less
frequent with the enthusiasm he's
showing overall to this relationship.
He's asking you out on dates less
overall. Now, this is obviously making
you feel worse and worse and worse.
Nothing wrong with that. You are an
emotional being. Nothing wrong with
feeling things. However, what you then
start doing as this more time and the
less frequent hangouts and the less
frequent asking you out goes on, you
start saying, "Well, if I want to get
back to this place, I need to beg for
more time." And this is the mistake that
ever a lot of you, I should say, fall
into the trap of, maybe not all of you,
but a lot of you fall into the trap of.
And I never ever ever want you to be
begging a man for his time. Let me
explain to you why. In the scenario in
which you say, "Okay, I don't like that
you're going from one hour to message me
back to taking like one day now and 1.5
days. I want to let you know that I
don't like how you haven't been
messaging me. And I'm just wondering
what's taking you so long to message me
back. I'm just wondering what you're
doing. Uh, we haven't gone on a date in
the last 3 weeks. We haven't talked in
the last 2 days. We haven't had a real
conversation in so long. I wish you
would talk to me more. I wish you would
text me more. I wish you would ask me
out on dates more. I wish we would go
out more. Right? You're essentially
begging for more of his time, begging
for more of his attention. Let me tell
you the two most important reasons why I
never want you to do that. One, you will
never get the response that you're
looking for. Whenever you're begging for
more of his time and attention because
as soon as you beg for more of his time
and attention, let me tell like
clockwork. Okay? I help hundreds and
hundreds of women. This is their always
their response. Oh, I'm busy work. Oh, I
got school. Oh, class books, study feet.
I got nine toes. I don't know what to
do. I can't see. I don't have 2020
vision. Whatever excuse they pull out of
the hat, they're going to pull out that
excuse. Someone said, "I'm I was sick."
Okay. I wasn't feeling well. My mother
this, my brother that, my sister, my
cousin, my nephew. Everything they could
pull out as an excuse. They're going to
pull out as an excuse. Now, the reason
that that doesn't matter and the reason
that it's a pointless activity is
because when he gives you that excuse,
99% of the time, he's going to go back
to doing what he was already doing in
the first place. So, you complaining and
begging him for more of his time, more
of his attention. He's going to give you
the excuse why he wasn't doing that, and
then he's going to return back to his
state of homeostasis, which is what he
was already doing. So, if he was taking
one day to respond to your messages,
he's going to continue taking one day.
Maybe he'll apologize for the fact that
he was taking so long. the excuse comes
and then that the action continues. So,
you're still unhappy. Or what will
happen is as you're begging for more of
his time, right? Maybe he makes an
adjustment for a day or so. Maybe he
makes an adjustment for a couple of
hours. But rest assured, after you have
a little bit of a conversation, he goes
right back to doing what he's been
doing. Now, the second reason why I
don't want you to do this and why this
actually hurts you is because this
creates a sense of, "Oh, you are so
important to me that the moment you're
no longer in my life as frequently as
you once were, all my happiness escaped
out the window because you were my
happiness and I do need you in my life.
And if you're not in my life, I'm very,
very sad, very, very bored. My life is
very, very uninteresting." Okay? doesn't
send the right message to him, doesn't
give the right perception of you, and
you definitely won't get the right
response from him in the end. Cuz even
when you beg for more time, like I said
before, his actions are most likely not
going to change. The also very important
part of this, and I'll give this like a
little bit of a third point, is that you
have to be able to recognize how
frequently does that man want to
actually talk to you? How frequently
does that man actually want to approach
you? See, one of the mistakes and why I
really want you to never do this is
because as you beg for more time, even
in a scenario in which hypothetically he
listens to you, hears you out, and wants
to spend more time with you, or let's
say not wants to, he spends more time
with you because he feels bad for the
fact that you're begging for more time.
You won't get the chance to realize what
he would rather do. The problem with
this is you're not able to properly
accurately calculate and analyze what is
his true level of interest in you. I
talk about this a lot on the players
club. One of your superpowers and one of
the things you have to be going into all
of your dates, first dates, second
dates, third dates, anytime you're
dating a man, you have to be gauging
what is his level of interest in me? How
much do I have to force him to do things
in order for him to show up for me and
be intentional versus how much does he
have an already existing desire within
him to show up and be intentional. The
more you have to beg for time, the more
you have to twist his hands and pull
teeth in order to get him to give you
some time and attention, the less I want
you in that type of relationship.
Because as time goes on, you're only
going to have to beg for more time, beg
for more attention, beg for more
frequency. And I just like I said
before, it's not really going to change.
In fact, over time, it's just going to
get worse and worse, and he's going to
pull more and more away from you. Point
number two is about investment. Now, let
me explain why I think this can become
very dangerous and I never want you to
do this. See, as time goes on and you
spend time with a man, you spend time
building with a man, there's a lot of
things happening simultaneously within
you. As you continue to invest your time
and energy into this man, okay, so let's
imagine this is your pool here of money
and you take some of this money here and
you minus it, okay? And you're putting
some of this into his pool. Cool.
Nothing particularly wrong with that.
But then as the one day turns into one
month, you're taking a little bit more
of this money over here invested into
this guy's pool here. And then we could
say after one month, we jump all the way
to one year and you've now invested what
we can consider the entire million. You
took $100,000 of your money and you put
it in his bucket here. So he has a h
100,000 of your money. Okay? You've
minused that from your eventual 1
million that you started with, okay?
When you were all all hot, amazing, and
young, and everyone wanted you. Then you
went all the way and you invested all of
your $1 million into his bucket, into
his pool here. In this sense, the money
actually is time. Because when you're on
the first day of talking to a guy, yeah,
sure, maybe you like him, maybe you want
you guys to end up in a relationship
together, but you're not really pressed
or phased about whether or not you guys
end up together. It's not that important
to you. But then when you get into the
one month mark, it's a little bit more
important to you that the time you've
been investing here, i.e. the money in
this example, is actually received back
to you with the outcome that you guys
get into a relationship, right? want
something out for your investment of
time. Then when you invest one year of
your life into this man, you really
really want something out of this for
the time that you've been investing in
this man. Similar to putting this pool
of money into his pool. Okay? Now, the
reason that I say this is because this
can become very dangerous. You could
start putting yourself in a place
mentally where you say, "Well, I've
already spent one year with this guy."
And this one year of my life, I've went
through so much with him. I've had to
endure so much. He's put me through so
much. I've had to beg for this and beg
for that and fight for this and fight
for that. And so now that I've invested
one year, even though my relationship is
really bad and it's really horrible if I
walk away now, all of this will have
been a gigantic waste because I spent so
much time already on and with this guy.
So, despite the fact that this isn't the
relationship I want, I don't want to
walk away because I don't want to lose
out on my one-year investment, my
one-year time and energy and attention
investment that I've put into this man.
I never want you to do this with a man
or in any relationship that you're
having with a man. be very self-aware
and very lucid in your thinking that
hey, as this relationship is going on,
I'm continuing to re-evaluate are these
is this man and is this relationship
what I want and is this man giving me
the things that I need? Is this are is
he meeting my standards? Um is he doing
the things that I like? Are we getting
along? uh does he still, you know, have
the same way of treating me with respect
and dignity and love and care and
attention like he once did or is he not?
Right? You don't want to get into a
position where you're allowing men who
aren't showing up for you to stay in
your life because you feel like you've
invested a lot of time and energy
already in this man. Cuz trust me, see
this is why I hate it when when you all
sleep with a man too early because it
makes you feel like you've invested more
energy and attention and time than you
actually have. Right? These are part of
the tricks, right? And I know mentally
it'll be very hard to pull yourself out
of it when you feel like you're losing
out on your investment when you feel
like you've already put so much into
this man. You've put so much into this
relationship. So what are you gonna do
now when you walk away? Oh, I'm gonna
lose ear. So what? Right? Oh, I'm going
to lose 1 month. So what? Oh, I'm going
to lose 3 months. So what? You have to
you have to feel like so what? Because
the only way for you to keep your
self-respect, for you to keep your
dignity, for you to keep the type of
partner and relationship that you've
been looking for is for you to
acknowledge and be honest with yourself
very quickly and very efficiently that
this isn't what I've been looking for. I
recognize that. Yes, I made a mistake
for a period of time. And yes, it's
painful to recognize that I wasted so
much time making that mistake. But it's
okay because if I walk away now, I won't
have to spend another year or another 3
years or another 5 years in the same
situation or an even worse situation
having spent even more of my time and
energy on this man. Okay, point number
three is uh about committing. Now, what
am I specifically referring to? See,
here's the thing that I don't want you
to make the mistake of doing whenever
you're with a guy. See, as you're
building your idea and your narrative of
this man in your mind, this narrative
that you build of him should be
consisting of the experiences that you
have with this man. Meaning, as you go
along and you experience what he's like,
the things that he'll say, whether he's
a man of his word or not, whether he'll
keep his promises or not, and the way
that he interacts with you and the
dynamic that you guys have in your
relationship, you're building your
understanding of this man. you're
learning him, so to speak. As you're
learning him, you're then basing what
you've learned about him on whether or
not you'll continue to want to be in a
relationship with him based on your
experience that you had with him. Now,
this is where the mistake comes in. And
what I never want you to do, I never
want you to look into a crystal ball and
say to yourself, "Crystal ball. Oh,
crystal ball. I know what I'm seeing
from him currently is not what I want. I
know that he is pretty inconsistent. I
know he doesn't really ask me out on
dates much, mostly asking me to his
place to watch Netflix. I know he's kind
of too busy all the time. He kind of
doesn't seem very interested. He kind of
is emotionally unavailable because he
seems to be slightly still in love with
his ex. But oh, crystal ball. Oh,
crystal ball. I know. I just know cuz I
can feel it. I can see it in my dreams.
I know that he's got so much potential
and I know deep down in my heart that me
and him could be together forever
because even though he's really super
busy and he doesn't show me any interest
and he's not really very consistent. I
know that somewhere deep down in his
soul and his spirit somewhere in there
is a good man that could take care of
me. that would be the man that I need,
that is everything that I want, and I
know that just with a little tweaking
and over the course of time and a couple
of changes, he'll eventually be the
person and the man that I'm looking for.
Even though in my actual experience with
him, I have never actually seen the
things that I'm looking into my crystal
ball and hoping to see if I'm going to
be in a happy, healthy relationship with
him. Okay? I never want you to do this
because you're basing your desire to
continue a relationship with this man
off of not who he actually is in terms
of your real life experience with him.
You're basing it off your crystal ball
and what you think the future could be
like, even though none of what the
future could be like you've ever seen in
this relationship you've had with him
currently. Okay? And trust me, listen,
I'm a human being. Okay? I know I joke
about being an AI sometimes. Someone
asked me, "Are you actually an A guy?"
No, really and truthfully, I'm actually
a real human being with a real life and
real experiences. So, the reason I say
this is I get it. When you meet a guy,
it's easy to fantasize a lot about what
could be. It's easy to live in a dream
world where you're actually in the music
video that you're imagining and then you
just implant this man into your music
video in your mind and he's whisking you
off to a land far far away and
everything is so amazing. But you always
have to keep yourself grounded in
reality even though you want to live in
that fantasy and even though it's very
fun to live in that fantasy because if
you don't keep yourself grounded in
reality and keep yourself very aware of
what's actually happening in your real
relationship with him, you will find
yourself very confused on the difference
between the real man you're dating and
the man who exists in your crystal ball.
Cuz those are two different people. And
sometimes, even if you have to write
things down to remember them, even if
you have to have like an accountability
friend that will remind you of those
things or you can trust that if you tell
her everything that she'll tell you,
hey, that's not what he is. He's not the
guy for you. Right? You need something
to keep you grounded that you don't
allow your crystal ball to become your
reality. Okay? and especially so that
you don't start making decisions on
being with him or being in a
relationship with him based on this
crystal ball. Point number four is
disrespect. If a man disrespects you,
and here's the thing, it's going to
sound weird. Even nice men sometimes
will try you. People will try you. It's
okay. It's okay. People will try you.
And it doesn't even mean they're bad
people. You just have to recognize
people go and try you. They go and test
you. They going to see how far they can
get with you. Now, here's the thing.
Never, ever, ever allow disrespect by
your man or a man that you're dating to
go unpunished. Now, what you're not
going to do, cuz if you know me, you
know how I go about this when it comes
to punishment. For you as a woman, your
version of punishment is never to yell
or scream. Okay? It's never to text him
25 times. It's never to spam, call him,
none of that. You're not doing none of
that. Okay? What you're going to do if
you want to properly punish a man, you
act like he does not exist. You give him
no time. You give him no attention. You
act like he's unimportant because why?
That is what men actually feel is
punishment. That is what actually pains
them. That is what actually makes them
think. That is what actually makes them
a sad little puppy. Okay? They
understand this as punishment when you
ignore them. Right? Essentially, when
you make them feel like they don't
exist, right? They understand that as
punishment. You will never ever
ever allow disrespect to go unpunished.
Sometimes when you're with a man and you
like this guy and you really want this
relationship to work with this guy, you
don't want to ruffle feathers just
because maybe he disrespected you one
time or it was something small or you
don't want to make a big fuss about it,
right? Sometimes you can get in that
mindset. I don't want to make a big deal
out of stuff. I don't want to be a drama
queen. You don't have to be a drama
queen by when you punish him. It doesn't
have to be dramatic. Okay, here's the
thing though. If you make the choice of
allowing the disrespect to go
unpunished, what will happen is that
will become your established dynamic.
Understand?
Please, I love you so much. If you allow
disrespect at the beginning and you make
the mistake of allowing it to go
unpunished, your relationship, don't
forget this this idea, this concept.
It's one of the most important concepts
of the players club. A relationship is a
lot like cement. Very much like cement.
As time goes on, in the beginning, it's
very easy to pour that cement down, to
shape it, to mold it how you want. You
can put your handprint in it. You can
put your footprint in it. You can make
it change shape however you want it to
be. As time goes on though, as the sun
is shining on that cement, as the days
go by, it becomes harder and harder and
harder to change the shape of that
cement. At some point, the handprint you
put down, the footprint you put down,
the name you wrote in that cement will
be etched in stone quite literally. And
at that point, it'll be very difficult
to change the shape. It'll be very
difficult to add anything. It'll even be
difficult to remove anything. The reason
I want that analogy to stick to your
brain like glue is because I want you to
understand the importance of
establishing a dynamic. Because once you
establish that dynamic, it'll be very
difficult to change it back to something
from before or to make adjustments or
additions that were never existing at
the beginning. It's exactly why when it
comes to disrespect, you punish it. And
you punish it well so that the men that
you're dating, the man that you're
dating, maybe hopefully you're not
dating multiple men, but the man that
you're dating, right, will understand
this important loop here. disrespect
when he gives it to you will be received
punishment in which case you're going to
be ignoring him. He's going to feel very
unimportant. That dynamic, that um
understanding will eventually harden in
cement where he'll understand if I
approach her wrong, if I disrespect her,
if I, you know, do the wrong thing or
say the wrong thing, right? I'm going to
get ignored. I don't like that. I'm
going to get no attention. I don't like
that. I'm going to feel very unimportant
to her. I don't like that. Cuz remember,
men actually receive real punishment as
being ignored. They don't receive real
punishment as you crashing out. Okay?
Don't text him a million times. He's not
going to think that's punishment. Don't
call him a million times. He's not going
to think that's punishment. When you act
as if he's unimportant, you go out and
you do your own thing. That's when he
thinks it's actual punishment. So, never
allow this disrespect to go unpunished.
Because if you do, you will allow that
relationship to harden in stone in that
dynamic. And then that will become the
expectation that he has of you. Right?
As you don't uh punish him for the
disrespect, right? He will begin to
think, okay, I can continue
disrespecting her and nothing will
happen, right? And if nothing happens
when I disrespect her because she
doesn't choose to punish me or ignores
punishing me or feels too overly
dramatic if she punishes me, well then
I'll just continue to disrespect her
because clearly there are no
consequences. Okay. Point number five is
about going first.
What am I talking about when I say go
first? One of the easy mistakes to make,
okay? And I never want you to make this
mistake. When you start dating a guy,
you might think to yourself, "Oh,
everything's chill. Cool. Vibes.
Everything is vibes." You know, the kids
love vibes. As we're vibing, you know, I
have this thing. My girls, okay, one of
my uh really close girlfriends, she's
like my BFF FF FF. Okay, so many Fs you
can't even see straight. I love her so
so so so much. She's having a bday
party. And you know, me and you, we've
been talking for like a month. I would
love for you to come with me to this
bday party and meet my BFF FFF forever,
forever, forever. She's like my sister.
We basically share blood. We share
saliva. We share everything, even
tampons. Okay? And this is the problem
though. Okay? Very, very big problem.
And it sounds very innocent in the
beginning. In this scenario, let's say
you just started dating a man for 1
month. Now that you've introduced this
man that you just started talking to,
right? You're like, "Hey guys, this is
the guy I've been talking to. He's so
cool. His name's uh Ty." Okay. Yeah.
Tylo, whatever. Okay. You like black
men. His name's Till. He's tall. He's
handsome. He's amazing. I love him.
Guys, meet Tylo. He's my favorite.
Right. Oh, hey, Tylo. How you doing?
Right. They all meet your guy. Then you
guys are talking about it afterwards.
You're like, "Yeah, that's the guy I've
been dating. Haha. You're so bubbly,
you're so giggly, all that good stuff.
But now something's happened to your
mind. See, as you've introduced him to
your circle of people, to your inner
circle, your close friends. Now, you
feel like this is a little bit more
serious. you feel a little bit more
invested than you even did before
because you liked the guy before and you
thought he was cool before, but now that
you've told your best friend forever and
all of your other close girlfriends have
gotten a chance to meet him, you feel
like, "Oh, well, my girlfriends know
about this as well. So, they're going to
be asking me how this is going. They're
going to be checking in on me. They're
going to be saying, "Hey, did you go out
with Tyler again? Did you spend some
more time with him?" Now, what's going
to happen to you? You're going to feel a
lot of subconscious pressure to make
this relationship with him work out,
right? You want this to work because you
feel in the back of your mind, this will
be kind of embarrassing if I introduce
him to my best friends forever and I
tell him how this is the guy I'm talking
to and then one week later or two weeks
later or one month later we're no longer
talking or things just fizzled out.
Really embarrassing for me. I don't want
to be embarrassed like that. So what I
need to do now is I have to make this
work. So even if he pulls away from me,
I have to make this work. Even if he
texts me less, I have to make this work.
Even if he stops calling me, even if he
takes me out on no dates, even if all
he's doing is asking me to come over to
slurp him off, I have to make this work.
Why? Because I've already introduced him
to my friends. or in some cases, I've
already introduced him to my family. All
my inner circle already knows him. I
feel the pressure that I need to make
this work or else I'm going to be
embarrassed because I introduced him to
everyone I already know and love. And
the problem with that is in this
scenario, you went first. You should
never go first. When you go first,
you're the one that feels that pressure
to make these things work. you're the
one uh that feels that pressure that the
relationship has to get going and has to
stay going and has to be sustained. When
you're the one that feels that pressure,
it puts you in action mode. It puts you
in hunting mode. It puts you in
masculine energy mode. Right? And now
when you notice he he's not doing the
same things that he was once doing, you
continue trying to push instead of
letting go because you don't want to
feel the embarrassment of having to go
back to your friends and say, "This
didn't work out." You want that man to
go first. If he's not at the place where
he's ready to introduce you to his
friends and his family and his inner
circle, cool. You're not going to do
that either, okay? You're not going to
be the first one going. If he doesn't
want to have a discussion about it, if
he's not interested in in introducing
you to anyone in his life, okay, outside
of just, you know, him, then you're not
interested in doing that either. The
reason I say this, even though it sounds
like a very weird thing to do and very
standoffish, is for the reason I just
stated before, but also you need to be
able to recognize, is that where he's at
mentally? You're introducing him to your
best friend forever, but is that what he
wants to introduce you to his best
friend forever? Okay. Right. His BFF
over here. Is he eager to introduce you
to that guy? If the answer is no, why
so? Because if you're imagining you guys
are so close that you would love to
introduce him to your best friend
forever, why is he not on the same page
with you of the excitement uh that you
have uh to introduce you to his best
friend forever? See, this is a very
important thing to recognize and observe
within men. I tell you, you're
observing, you're analyzing, you're
listening because you need to see what
is he what is his level of interest,
where is he at, right? How much does he
want this? How intentional is he being
here? Right? Does he have no desire to
introduce me to any of his friends and
family? He's never talking about it.
It's only me and him. Okay, that's
interesting because when he's not
introducing me to any friends and
family, when he's not introducing me to
anyone in his inner circle, he's
actually making the opportunity very
easy to walk away because let's just say
hypothetically he sleeps with me and
then he ghosts me, right? He's not going
to have to answer to anyone. He's not
going to have any of his best friends
saying, "Hey, what about Stephanie? Hey,
what about Ashley? Hey, what about uh
Lane that you met the other day or that
you introduced us to, right? What
happened to her?" Right? He's not going
to have to answer to no one. And so,
this is why you have to gauge this.
Allow the man to go first. Let him
introduce you to his inner circle. Let
him be the one with the pressure on him.
Let him be the one with the
subconscious, "Oh, they know her now, so
I have to make sure I make this work."
Point number six is about chasing. Okay.
Now, uh I'm going to describe this
visual to you that I drew. Very bad
visual uh in a way that should make
sense to you of why I don't want you
doing this. When you first start dating
a guy, right? Sometimes your desire to
want to be with this guy make this
situation work or maybe just because
you're lonely and you haven't had a guy
like you or show you any attention in so
long that you can begin saying, "Okay,
uh, I need this to work." Similar to
like how I was talking about earlier.
And then you start thinking to yourself,
okay, I can't wait for you to ask for my
number. I can't risk that, okay? Cuz you
might not. And then this might not work
out. I can't wait for you to come and
approach me because you might not
approach me and if you don't approach
me, my life's going to end because
you're the only man on this earth. Or I
can't wait for you to ask me out on a
date. So, I'm going to do it because
you're acting like a little pansy and I
can't sit around and wait for you to ask
me out on a date because I need to be on
a date yesterday. And so, what do you
end up doing? You end up doing a lot of
the reaching out via text. You end up
doing a lot of the phone calling. You
end up doing a lot of the initiating for
the date, right? You end up doing a lot
of the approaching. you end up doing
most of the work that he's supposed to
be doing. As you're chasing him, even
though I put him in the front here,
right? Let's imagine you I know my
drawing is very bad, right? You are the
driver here. Okay? And we imagine him as
the passenger. Okay? So, you're the
driver of this. It's so so weird. You're
in the back, but you're the driver. It's
the new school car. It's one of these
new Teslas. Okay? The drive the seats in
the back. Okay? Something like that,
right? Let's just imagine you're the
driver here of this car and you're the
one leading it up to its destination and
you're the one or the reason I should
say that this car gets to this
destination. Remember how I talked about
your relationship being like cement and
that as time goes on your dynamic is
hardening in stone. So as you establish
this dynamic in which to in order to get
to your destination and your destination
in this case, right? Your destination
being things like dates,
right? Your destination being things
like
texts, your destination being things
like calls that you guys will see each
other and spend time with each other,
right? In order for you guys to get to
this destination, you have to be the
driver in this scenario. You have to be
the one pushing this relationship
forward in order for you guys to spend
time together in order for a a
relationship to even exist. As this goes
on, from the beginning, it seems very
innocent and unassuming and you're like,
"Hey, Thompson, I got the guy I wanted.
I wanted to get him and I needed to get
him, so I went and got the guy." Cool.
But then as time goes on, in order for
you to keep the guy, you have to
continue driving. And as time goes on
and the relationship is ongoing, he
continues to be the passenger because
you've established a dynamic in which in
order to reach this destination, you're
always driving. You're always chasing.
So the reason I say this now this
dynamic hardens in stone. But the
problem is you went and chased that guy,
did all the texting and calling and
setting up the dates because you wanted
a relationship. But what you didn't want
is for in order for you to sustain a
relationship that you always have to do
the chasing. That you always have to do
the texting, the calling, and the
initiating. Right? You didn't want that
initially when you first started
chasing. But as that dynamic got set in
stone, that's what you established. And
that's the dynamic in which now you must
function within in order to even keep
this relationship afloat. And so this is
the problem with the chasing and the
initiating. Even though you might feel
like, "Well, Thomas sent Thomas." That
guy wouldn't text me if I didn't text
him. That guy wouldn't call me if I
didn't call him. That guy would not have
approached me at the bar or the club or
the event or the whatever. If I didn't
go up to him and approach him, he
wouldn't have asked for my number. He
would have just walked out the door if I
didn't ask for him. Perfect. That's
awesome. I want you to recognize that. I
want you to bask in that. I want you to
live in that. I want you to tan in that.
I want you to rub your whole body in
that. Soak it in. Because recognizing
that a man was willing to allow time
with you to go and not ask for your
number, to walk out that door, right,
and not get your contact information, to
not ask you out on a date, to not text
you, to not call you. Recognizing that
that is what he would have chosen to do
is the most important realization you'll
ever make because then you'll be able to
sit back and relax and say, "You know
what? He's cool. Sure, I would love to
go on a date with him, but he is not
where he needs to be interest in order
for us to be dating. I'm not going to
press. I'm not going to scream. Not
going to yell. I'm definitely not going
to beg. And I'm not going to chase. I
will allow the men who are attracted to
me to come to me. And if a man chooses
not to come to me or approach me for any
reason whatsoever, I will accept that as
the truth. And I'm not going to push.
You're in a different mental space as a
woman than men are. Point number seven,
ultimatums. When you want something from
a man or you're at your wits end with a
man, let's just say some of the things
you've seen from him you don't like.
Let's use an example as, hey, uh, you
know, I don't like this thing where you
do where you're flirting with girls. I
see that you're messaging girls very
inappropriate stuff. You're asking them
to hang out via DM. You're messaging
them hard eyes. You're liking their
pictures. All this weird stuff that I
don't appreciate or accept in a
relationship, okay? It's very strange to
me. I'm telling you now that if I ever
see you send another inappropriate DM to
a girl ever again, I'm breaking up with
you. Right? This is essentially your
ultimatum. This is your big we'll even
put here your big red button. Meaning if
he presses that button, okay, if he
dares to press that button once again,
all hell will break loose if you choose
to push that big red button. Don't you
dare. See, when you make this ultimatum,
you now have a very important decision
to make. When you said this, hey, I
don't like this behavior. This doesn't
work for me. If you do this behavior
again, I will end this relationship.
Understand? If he actually does that
behavior again, you need to end the
relationship. You can't have a
conversation about it. You can't uh let
him explain himself about it. You can't
give him an opportunity.5 after the
opportunity you just gave him. You
can't. Oh, but uh maybe I didn't say it
the right way or we didn't have a long
enough conversation. Oh, it was over
phone call, so he didn't Nothing. You
cannot accept any apologies. You cannot
accept any um you know uh acts of
kindness. You nothing. Boom. Ba.
Nothing. You have to follow through
exactly how you said you were going to
take action. Some of you might be like,
"Well, Thompson, you're so overdramatic.
Why are you saying this? This is so
like, come on. I was just upset. You
know, I wasn't actually going to break
up with that guy just because of a DM."
Well, then if you actually weren't going
to break up with that guy because of a
DM, don't say that. I'm going to say it
again. If you know you're not actually
going to follow through with that action
that you're threatening, I'm going to
break up with you. I'm ending this
relationship. Do not say that. Why? I
actually want to do something for you
when I'm telling you this. Because I
want your word to be like bond. I want
your words to strike fear in men. I want
them to feel like when you say you're
going to do something, good or bad, that
you actually mean that. Why? Because in
your relationship, I want you to not
have to scream or yell to get what you
want. I don't want you to have to say
things 85 times for a guy to take you
seriously. I don't want to have you you
to have to beg for things. I don't want
to have you to have to get on your knees
in order for him to take you serious.
That sounded dirty, but you get my
point, right? I want you to be able to
say something one time and he's like,
"Oh, she's serious about it." Like like
I I'll actually put it to memory the
first time she said it. But that only
happens when you show him time and time
again that you're one, you're not going
to be repeating yourself 80 million
times. And if you say something like,
"Hey, I'm going to break up with you if
you do this and this action." Then you
actually break up with this man or
follow through in whatever way you said
you were going to follow through. Okay?
I'm not saying you can't give
ultimatums. I'm not saying you can't uh
have boundaries, have standards, have
lines that you don't want to have
crossed. But if those lines get crossed,
then you really have to make sure that
you follow through with what you said
you were going to do. Cuz if you don't,
then what's going to happen is he's not
going to take you seriously in the
future, right? He's going to understand
that when you're saying things, when
you're talking about things, when you're
making these ultimatums about things, it
doesn't really mean anything when you
say it. It doesn't really matter what
you think. It doesn't matter what you
want. It doesn't matter even what you
don't like or don't approve of. Because
even if you don't approve of it, what
will happen afterwards? Yeah, he'll
apologize a little bit. He'll tell you
he's sorry, even though, you know, he's
really not that sorry. And then he'll
continue doing what he's been doing,
knowing that you won't respond in any
way that you said you actually would.
Point number eight,
explaining.
Specifically,
overexplaining. I drew this visual out
here because this can happen very easily
in a relationship. You're a woman. You
have emotions and feelings. I want you
to have emotions and feelings. I want
you to express them until you're blew in
the face. Great. However, there's a time
and place for everything. When you're
dating a man, okay, you need to
recognize whether or not he even cares
about your problems because sometimes,
oh, goodbye. Sometimes you can make the
mistake of overexplaining yourself,
overcommunicating with a man who really
doesn't care. Really doesn't care. Okay.
Why? Because the way you're thinking
this relationship is serious might not
necessarily be the way he's thinking
this relationship is serious. The way
that you care and you're invested in the
success of this relationship might not
necessarily be the way he cares and is
invested in the success in this
relationship. But it's very important to
recognize that. See, let me give you an
example of what overexlaining can look
like. Let's say a guy flops on you on a
date. You guys were supposed to go to a
sushi spot on Tuesday at 7:00 p.m.
Tuesday at 7:00 p.m. came and went. He
didn't send you a message all day. He
didn't call you all day. He didn't let
you know timing all day. He didn't even
send you an excuse of why he's not
showing up on the sushi date all day.
Then you get to Wednesday and Wednesday
comes and you are like fuming. You're so
upset that he flopped on you on the
sushi date that you guys were supposed
to go on. You've been sitting there all
night the previous night from Tuesday
night crafting out your message in your
notes. Oh yeah. So I'm going to lay out
this to him and I'm going to tell him
how I didn't appreciate because we were
supposed to meet at the Japanese spot
and this is the address of the Japanese
spot. Oh yeah, this is He's going to
love this cuz when I explain the address
of the Japanese spot, let me use the zip
code, too. Okay. What's the zip code?
Yeah, the the area code is Okay. Yeah,
we'll put that one there as well. So
when you didn't meet me, this is how it
made me feel. Yeah, the emotion is
really more like disappointment. Yeah,
I'm going to write that one. And you
write out your thousandpage thesis on
how it upset you that he didn't show up,
what it made you feel, how you put on
your best Fenty makeup and your amazing
foundation and you got a Brazilian wax
that day to make sure he you were
looking good for him. You wore his
favorite pair of jeans. You wore his
favorite dress. You put on this lipstick
and how disappointed you were when you
showed up and he wasn't there or when he
didn't even message you all day. and you
explain and explain and explain yourself
and his response is, "Oh, my bad." Or,
"Okay," or "I apologize. I'm sorry." And
you know deep down in your heart after
you went through explaining yourself
paragraph after paragraph after
paragraph, you know, even his apology
isn't a real apology because you feel
deep down in your heart, "This man don't
give a damn." So, why do I want you to
never do this? Because it doesn't serve
you. Really and truthfully, if a man
does you wrong and he actually has the
emotional intelligence to like kind of
figure out why you might not be reacting
or responding to him in the same way
that you were, majority of the time a
guy can figure it out, especially when
it's very egregious. And if he's not
able to figure it out or put two and two
together, most of the time it means he's
not even using his critical thinking
skills one or he just doesn't care. He
really just doesn't care. And the reason
I'm saying this is not that I want you
to stop communicating your feelings, but
I want you to stop overexplaining to
guys who don't even show uh lack of care
or uh enough care to ask you what's
going on with you. Are you upset? Did I
do something? Am am I, you know, are you
mad at me? What happened? What changed?
Or ask
themselves, was that wrong of me? Should
I have approached that differently? Do I
owe her an apology? Right? Because the
reality of it is, if a guy flops on you
on a date, he just doesn't. He's a
no-show to the date, right? He should be
the one to think to himself, "That's
wrong of me. I shouldn't, you know, just
not show up on this date and not say a
word to her, right? That's
inappropriate. She deserves my apology.
She deserves at least to feel like I
care about the fact that I didn't show
up to this date, right? Not like I just
won't say anything and expect her to be
the one who messages me or reaches out
to me, right? These are the type of
things that you have to gauge, right?
You can't do these things for men. You
have to allow them to answer these
questions for themselves, use their
critical thinking skills, and say, "You
know what? I I owe you an apology. That
was wrong of me to do A, B, and C. I
should have showed up or I should have
whatever the case may be." Okay? so that
you can be the one to say, "Okay." As
opposed to he upsets you or he wrongs
you and it's clearly that he wronged you
and then you're overexplaining yourself
when he hasn't even asked or he hasn't
even inquired about how you're feeling
or seem to care about how you're
feeling. Point number nine is about
bills. Never. Never in your wildest
dream. Don't even dream. If you dream
about it, I'm going to reach myself
inside your dream. I'm going to come on
top of your bed. I'm going to slap you
in the face multiple times until you
wake up and I'm going to tell you never
dream about that ever again. If you dare
to ever dream of paying a man's bills,
that's exactly what I will do to you.
Don't even dream about it. Some of you
might be thinking, Thomasson, I would
never be so stupid. I would never be so
foolish to pay a man's bills. Trust me.
Trust me. I've helped a lot of women a
lot. Life comes at you very fast. Very
fast. The reason I say this, it's very
gradual. You'll start off and this guy
will tell you a nice little soba story
about where his life is at at this
current moment, about how things are
really a struggle for him. And it'll
it'll be so small, so small, so itty
bitty you can't even see it happening.
You'll just start paying for some of his
food, some of the dates, right? Some of
his groceries and things like that
because you just want to take care of
him. You know, he's going through a
tough time. You don't want him to be
going through a tough time. And then
after a while, right, it'll come. it'll
creep up on you so slowly, so slowly, so
slowly. And now all of a sudden, you're
pitching in on things like his car, you
know, helping it run, helping him fix
some repairs, helping him, you know, get
to work and stuff because, you know, if
he can't get to work, he's going to get
fired. And then all of a sudden, slowly
but surely, right, you're paying for his
rent rather directly or indirectly
because now he's moving in with you
because he's convinced you that you guys
can save money if he moves into your
place. But when he moves to your place,
your name is on the lease and you're
paying most of the rent and now he's
eating your food that you're now having
to pay the grocery bill for. And now
you're sending him money to fix the
repairs on his car. Trust me, it happens
so slowly that you can't even notice it.
Then one day you look back on your life
and you realize you're supporting a man.
This is the problem. When you're doing
it, you feel like you're justified in
doing it because as you're doing this
for that man, you're thinking, "Oh, I'm
helping him get off of his feet. I'm
helping him get to the next level. I'm
doing something, you know, nice and kind
for him because he's kind of like a guy
in need right now and he needs me." But
the problem is, I have to be real with
you. Men get very complacent very fast.
And if you give him an opportunity to be
able to to be able to access you mind,
body, and soul, but then also you're the
one taking care of him, he will say,
"Why would I ever leave this situation?
And why would I ever start doing work
where I'm now taking on more
responsibility?" Because trust me, in
the process of you basically managing
everything, he's still going to expect
to be able to access you, for you to be
available to him, for you to be wet for
him, all that good stuff that benefits
him because he gets very, very
complacent. Okay? And as he gets more
and more complacent, he starts asking
himself, why would I ever go back to
doing work? Why would I ever go back to
giving to her? Why would I ever go back
to doing for her when she is clearly
comfortable or okay at the very least
with doing for me? I know some of you
think it would never happen to you in a
million years. I've seen even the
mightiest fall. Even the mightiest. And
slowly but surely, you'll be in a place
where you're doing everything for that
man and he's literally doing nothing for
you. And even when you describe to your
friends your relationship with that man,
you're scratching your own head and
saying, "I don't know why I'm with that
guy." Point number 10 is about
standards. very dangerous for you to get
into a relationship and ever make the
mistake of allowing your standards to
diminish. When you think of a
relationship and you think of your
needs, you shouldn't be self-aware
enough to understand what your needs are
in a relationship. You have a threshold,
right, of the things that you need,
right? This is where your needs lie, so
to speak, right? These are the things
you need to be present in order for a
relationship to work. There's a
threshold for that. You might need a man
who is attractive, who cares, who's
intentional, who's consistent. These are
your standards that you would love to
have in any romantic relationship. What
happens though, you meet a guy and see
your needs were up here for most men
that you would be in a relationship
with. This guy though, you really like
him. When I say you really like him, I
mean like you're maybe extra attracted
to him than you are the average guy or
the vibes you feel around him are extra
vibe or maybe he's got an extremely big
large deep penetrating DA and you're
thinking to yourself,
well, there are some things I really
like about him. And you know, despite
the fact that he doesn't meet all of my
needs, there are some needs that he
really, really meets. and he like goes
above and beyond for those needs. Here's
the problem, though. When you allow this
process to happen, and you allow this
man to fall below your already existing
needs because you're like, "Well, I
really, really like this guy, so he
doesn't need to meet all of my standards
because I really, really like him and
I'm really, really attracted to him."
This is the problem now. Now you get
into a place where you've just allowed
standards that were once standards for
any man you would date to no longer be
standards because now all of a sudden
you really like this guy. So you're
doing what I call giving out special
treatment. You will never do that. You
will never give out special treatment to
a man no matter who he is. Before you
begin dating, you will come up with your
list and criteria of what your
expectations and needs are in a
relationship. what you expect out of a
man and what you expect out of a
partner. Okay? I want you to be very
clear on what those things are and what
your needs are. Then when you get into a
relationship, you're think of yourself
like a scientist, a very logical, stern,
focused scientist because you come to
your dates with your notebook in your
mind and your your pen ready to write.
observe, listen, and analyze all of this
beautiful information you're soaking in
from him. All you're doing is coming in
with your already existing checklist.
And as you're getting to know him, as
you're talking to him, as you're
experiencing him through the months and
months of you guys dating, you're
checking off on your checklist and
asking yourself, I came in to this
dating talking stage, whatever stage
with this criteria. Is this criteria
met? If the answer is yes, we check the
box off as a check mark and we go on. If
the answer becomes no, and I find myself
going down the list and crossing X's on
all of these different boxes of
expectations of needs that I had for the
standards that I came into this
relationship with, I will no longer be
with this man. I don't care if some
boxes like Dame have three check marks
on them. That's not a compensation that
will allow me to be with a man who just
because I really like him, he doesn't
meet any of my other needs. So,
whatever, forget it. Forget my
standards. Let's just be with this guy.
Okay? We're not doing that. Your
criteria is your criteria for any man.
So, if one guy that you really like
disrespects you and goes crazy on you or
does something that you know doesn't
meet your standards and he falls below
that threshold, you throw him out.
You're not in the business of allowing
guys to exist in your life down here.
And you just say, "Well, I really like
you, so whatever." Okay? You're no
longer when you join the players club,
you're done being a whatever type of
girl. Okay? You have your standards.
Everyone gets treated the same. You
don't like how strict I am. You don't
like my rules and regulations. Go find
another girl with no rules and no
regulations.
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