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Everything Women Should NEVER Do For A Man
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Have you ever felt like you're doing too much for a man who is giving you less than even the bare minimum? Isn't it frustrating when you're investing when you're giving your time, energy, and attention to someone who the feeling is never ever mutual with? Well, what if I told you that stems from the idea that there are certain things you should never be doing with a man? Which is exactly why on today's show, we're going to be discussing everything you should never do for a man. That way, you no longer end up being the one who is left disappointed and emotionally drained, and you can finally have the relationship and love that you've always been searching for. Point number one, I never want you to do this with any man that you're dating, any man that you start dating, or any man that you've been dating for a while. Let me explain why this can turn out horribly for you. See, let's say you're with a guy and when you start talking to him, you get accustomed to the frequency at which he'll be talking to you. So, he messages you uh every hour or maybe in some cases he's a textaholic and he messages you every 5 minutes. This obviously feels good in the moment. But let's be real, not everything lasts forever and especially the frequency at which a man will talk to you is not necessarily going to last forever. So then you come to a crossroads where now his timing in which the amount of time he'll take to message you has gone from being 1 hour which you know that works for you to being maybe 3 hours and now you're like you know 3 hours uh I'm not that happy in fact I'm a little bit neutral. I would love for it to go back to 1 hour. And then all of a sudden as time goes on now he's taking one day to respond to you and you're very unhappy. Okay. And it only gets worse from there. Now, here's the problem that a lot of you will make a mistake of, right? See, as this process is going along, right, and he's taking more time, he's being less frequent with the enthusiasm he's showing overall to this relationship. He's asking you out on dates less overall. Now, this is obviously making you feel worse and worse and worse. Nothing wrong with that. You are an emotional being. Nothing wrong with feeling things. However, what you then start doing as this more time and the less frequent hangouts and the less frequent asking you out goes on, you start saying, "Well, if I want to get back to this place, I need to beg for more time." And this is the mistake that ever a lot of you, I should say, fall into the trap of, maybe not all of you, but a lot of you fall into the trap of. And I never ever ever want you to be begging a man for his time. Let me explain to you why. In the scenario in which you say, "Okay, I don't like that you're going from one hour to message me back to taking like one day now and 1.5 days. I want to let you know that I don't like how you haven't been messaging me. And I'm just wondering what's taking you so long to message me back. I'm just wondering what you're doing. Uh, we haven't gone on a date in the last 3 weeks. We haven't talked in the last 2 days. We haven't had a real conversation in so long. I wish you would talk to me more. I wish you would text me more. I wish you would ask me out on dates more. I wish we would go out more. Right? You're essentially begging for more of his time, begging for more of his attention. Let me tell you the two most important reasons why I never want you to do that. One, you will never get the response that you're looking for. Whenever you're begging for more of his time and attention because as soon as you beg for more of his time and attention, let me tell like clockwork. Okay? I help hundreds and hundreds of women. This is their always their response. Oh, I'm busy work. Oh, I got school. Oh, class books, study feet. I got nine toes. I don't know what to do. I can't see. I don't have 2020 vision. Whatever excuse they pull out of the hat, they're going to pull out that excuse. Someone said, "I'm I was sick." Okay. I wasn't feeling well. My mother this, my brother that, my sister, my cousin, my nephew. Everything they could pull out as an excuse. They're going to pull out as an excuse. Now, the reason that that doesn't matter and the reason that it's a pointless activity is because when he gives you that excuse, 99% of the time, he's going to go back to doing what he was already doing in the first place. So, you complaining and begging him for more of his time, more of his attention. He's going to give you the excuse why he wasn't doing that, and then he's going to return back to his state of homeostasis, which is what he was already doing. So, if he was taking one day to respond to your messages, he's going to continue taking one day. Maybe he'll apologize for the fact that he was taking so long. the excuse comes and then that the action continues. So, you're still unhappy. Or what will happen is as you're begging for more of his time, right? Maybe he makes an adjustment for a day or so. Maybe he makes an adjustment for a couple of hours. But rest assured, after you have a little bit of a conversation, he goes right back to doing what he's been doing. Now, the second reason why I don't want you to do this and why this actually hurts you is because this creates a sense of, "Oh, you are so important to me that the moment you're no longer in my life as frequently as you once were, all my happiness escaped out the window because you were my happiness and I do need you in my life. And if you're not in my life, I'm very, very sad, very, very bored. My life is very, very uninteresting." Okay? doesn't send the right message to him, doesn't give the right perception of you, and you definitely won't get the right response from him in the end. Cuz even when you beg for more time, like I said before, his actions are most likely not going to change. The also very important part of this, and I'll give this like a little bit of a third point, is that you have to be able to recognize how frequently does that man want to actually talk to you? How frequently does that man actually want to approach you? See, one of the mistakes and why I really want you to never do this is because as you beg for more time, even in a scenario in which hypothetically he listens to you, hears you out, and wants to spend more time with you, or let's say not wants to, he spends more time with you because he feels bad for the fact that you're begging for more time. You won't get the chance to realize what he would rather do. The problem with this is you're not able to properly accurately calculate and analyze what is his true level of interest in you. I talk about this a lot on the players club. One of your superpowers and one of the things you have to be going into all of your dates, first dates, second dates, third dates, anytime you're dating a man, you have to be gauging what is his level of interest in me? How much do I have to force him to do things in order for him to show up for me and be intentional versus how much does he have an already existing desire within him to show up and be intentional. The more you have to beg for time, the more you have to twist his hands and pull teeth in order to get him to give you some time and attention, the less I want you in that type of relationship. Because as time goes on, you're only going to have to beg for more time, beg for more attention, beg for more frequency. And I just like I said before, it's not really going to change. In fact, over time, it's just going to get worse and worse, and he's going to pull more and more away from you. Point number two is about investment. Now, let me explain why I think this can become very dangerous and I never want you to do this. See, as time goes on and you spend time with a man, you spend time building with a man, there's a lot of things happening simultaneously within you. As you continue to invest your time and energy into this man, okay, so let's imagine this is your pool here of money and you take some of this money here and you minus it, okay? And you're putting some of this into his pool. Cool. Nothing particularly wrong with that. But then as the one day turns into one month, you're taking a little bit more of this money over here invested into this guy's pool here. And then we could say after one month, we jump all the way to one year and you've now invested what we can consider the entire million. You took $100,000 of your money and you put it in his bucket here. So he has a h 100,000 of your money. Okay? You've minused that from your eventual 1 million that you started with, okay? When you were all all hot, amazing, and young, and everyone wanted you. Then you went all the way and you invested all of your $1 million into his bucket, into his pool here. In this sense, the money actually is time. Because when you're on the first day of talking to a guy, yeah, sure, maybe you like him, maybe you want you guys to end up in a relationship together, but you're not really pressed or phased about whether or not you guys end up together. It's not that important to you. But then when you get into the one month mark, it's a little bit more important to you that the time you've been investing here, i.e. the money in this example, is actually received back to you with the outcome that you guys get into a relationship, right? want something out for your investment of time. Then when you invest one year of your life into this man, you really really want something out of this for the time that you've been investing in this man. Similar to putting this pool of money into his pool. Okay? Now, the reason that I say this is because this can become very dangerous. You could start putting yourself in a place mentally where you say, "Well, I've already spent one year with this guy." And this one year of my life, I've went through so much with him. I've had to endure so much. He's put me through so much. I've had to beg for this and beg for that and fight for this and fight for that. And so now that I've invested one year, even though my relationship is really bad and it's really horrible if I walk away now, all of this will have been a gigantic waste because I spent so much time already on and with this guy. So, despite the fact that this isn't the relationship I want, I don't want to walk away because I don't want to lose out on my one-year investment, my one-year time and energy and attention investment that I've put into this man. I never want you to do this with a man or in any relationship that you're having with a man. be very self-aware and very lucid in your thinking that hey, as this relationship is going on, I'm continuing to re-evaluate are these is this man and is this relationship what I want and is this man giving me the things that I need? Is this are is he meeting my standards? Um is he doing the things that I like? Are we getting along? uh does he still, you know, have the same way of treating me with respect and dignity and love and care and attention like he once did or is he not? Right? You don't want to get into a position where you're allowing men who aren't showing up for you to stay in your life because you feel like you've invested a lot of time and energy already in this man. Cuz trust me, see this is why I hate it when when you all sleep with a man too early because it makes you feel like you've invested more energy and attention and time than you actually have. Right? These are part of the tricks, right? And I know mentally it'll be very hard to pull yourself out of it when you feel like you're losing out on your investment when you feel like you've already put so much into this man. You've put so much into this relationship. So what are you gonna do now when you walk away? Oh, I'm gonna lose ear. So what? Right? Oh, I'm going to lose 1 month. So what? Oh, I'm going to lose 3 months. So what? You have to you have to feel like so what? Because the only way for you to keep your self-respect, for you to keep your dignity, for you to keep the type of partner and relationship that you've been looking for is for you to acknowledge and be honest with yourself very quickly and very efficiently that this isn't what I've been looking for. I recognize that. Yes, I made a mistake for a period of time. And yes, it's painful to recognize that I wasted so much time making that mistake. But it's okay because if I walk away now, I won't have to spend another year or another 3 years or another 5 years in the same situation or an even worse situation having spent even more of my time and energy on this man. Okay, point number three is uh about committing. Now, what am I specifically referring to? See, here's the thing that I don't want you to make the mistake of doing whenever you're with a guy. See, as you're building your idea and your narrative of this man in your mind, this narrative that you build of him should be consisting of the experiences that you have with this man. Meaning, as you go along and you experience what he's like, the things that he'll say, whether he's a man of his word or not, whether he'll keep his promises or not, and the way that he interacts with you and the dynamic that you guys have in your relationship, you're building your understanding of this man. you're learning him, so to speak. As you're learning him, you're then basing what you've learned about him on whether or not you'll continue to want to be in a relationship with him based on your experience that you had with him. Now, this is where the mistake comes in. And what I never want you to do, I never want you to look into a crystal ball and say to yourself, "Crystal ball. Oh, crystal ball. I know what I'm seeing from him currently is not what I want. I know that he is pretty inconsistent. I know he doesn't really ask me out on dates much, mostly asking me to his place to watch Netflix. I know he's kind of too busy all the time. He kind of doesn't seem very interested. He kind of is emotionally unavailable because he seems to be slightly still in love with his ex. But oh, crystal ball. Oh, crystal ball. I know. I just know cuz I can feel it. I can see it in my dreams. I know that he's got so much potential and I know deep down in my heart that me and him could be together forever because even though he's really super busy and he doesn't show me any interest and he's not really very consistent. I know that somewhere deep down in his soul and his spirit somewhere in there is a good man that could take care of me. that would be the man that I need, that is everything that I want, and I know that just with a little tweaking and over the course of time and a couple of changes, he'll eventually be the person and the man that I'm looking for. Even though in my actual experience with him, I have never actually seen the things that I'm looking into my crystal ball and hoping to see if I'm going to be in a happy, healthy relationship with him. Okay? I never want you to do this because you're basing your desire to continue a relationship with this man off of not who he actually is in terms of your real life experience with him. You're basing it off your crystal ball and what you think the future could be like, even though none of what the future could be like you've ever seen in this relationship you've had with him currently. Okay? And trust me, listen, I'm a human being. Okay? I know I joke about being an AI sometimes. Someone asked me, "Are you actually an A guy?" No, really and truthfully, I'm actually a real human being with a real life and real experiences. So, the reason I say this is I get it. When you meet a guy, it's easy to fantasize a lot about what could be. It's easy to live in a dream world where you're actually in the music video that you're imagining and then you just implant this man into your music video in your mind and he's whisking you off to a land far far away and everything is so amazing. But you always have to keep yourself grounded in reality even though you want to live in that fantasy and even though it's very fun to live in that fantasy because if you don't keep yourself grounded in reality and keep yourself very aware of what's actually happening in your real relationship with him, you will find yourself very confused on the difference between the real man you're dating and the man who exists in your crystal ball. Cuz those are two different people. And sometimes, even if you have to write things down to remember them, even if you have to have like an accountability friend that will remind you of those things or you can trust that if you tell her everything that she'll tell you, hey, that's not what he is. He's not the guy for you. Right? You need something to keep you grounded that you don't allow your crystal ball to become your reality. Okay? and especially so that you don't start making decisions on being with him or being in a relationship with him based on this crystal ball. Point number four is disrespect. If a man disrespects you, and here's the thing, it's going to sound weird. Even nice men sometimes will try you. People will try you. It's okay. It's okay. People will try you. And it doesn't even mean they're bad people. You just have to recognize people go and try you. They go and test you. They going to see how far they can get with you. Now, here's the thing. Never, ever, ever allow disrespect by your man or a man that you're dating to go unpunished. Now, what you're not going to do, cuz if you know me, you know how I go about this when it comes to punishment. For you as a woman, your version of punishment is never to yell or scream. Okay? It's never to text him 25 times. It's never to spam, call him, none of that. You're not doing none of that. Okay? What you're going to do if you want to properly punish a man, you act like he does not exist. You give him no time. You give him no attention. You act like he's unimportant because why? That is what men actually feel is punishment. That is what actually pains them. That is what actually makes them think. That is what actually makes them a sad little puppy. Okay? They understand this as punishment when you ignore them. Right? Essentially, when you make them feel like they don't exist, right? They understand that as punishment. You will never ever ever allow disrespect to go unpunished. Sometimes when you're with a man and you like this guy and you really want this relationship to work with this guy, you don't want to ruffle feathers just because maybe he disrespected you one time or it was something small or you don't want to make a big fuss about it, right? Sometimes you can get in that mindset. I don't want to make a big deal out of stuff. I don't want to be a drama queen. You don't have to be a drama queen by when you punish him. It doesn't have to be dramatic. Okay, here's the thing though. If you make the choice of allowing the disrespect to go unpunished, what will happen is that will become your established dynamic. Understand? Please, I love you so much. If you allow disrespect at the beginning and you make the mistake of allowing it to go unpunished, your relationship, don't forget this this idea, this concept. It's one of the most important concepts of the players club. A relationship is a lot like cement. Very much like cement. As time goes on, in the beginning, it's very easy to pour that cement down, to shape it, to mold it how you want. You can put your handprint in it. You can put your footprint in it. You can make it change shape however you want it to be. As time goes on though, as the sun is shining on that cement, as the days go by, it becomes harder and harder and harder to change the shape of that cement. At some point, the handprint you put down, the footprint you put down, the name you wrote in that cement will be etched in stone quite literally. And at that point, it'll be very difficult to change the shape. It'll be very difficult to add anything. It'll even be difficult to remove anything. The reason I want that analogy to stick to your brain like glue is because I want you to understand the importance of establishing a dynamic. Because once you establish that dynamic, it'll be very difficult to change it back to something from before or to make adjustments or additions that were never existing at the beginning. It's exactly why when it comes to disrespect, you punish it. And you punish it well so that the men that you're dating, the man that you're dating, maybe hopefully you're not dating multiple men, but the man that you're dating, right, will understand this important loop here. disrespect when he gives it to you will be received punishment in which case you're going to be ignoring him. He's going to feel very unimportant. That dynamic, that um understanding will eventually harden in cement where he'll understand if I approach her wrong, if I disrespect her, if I, you know, do the wrong thing or say the wrong thing, right? I'm going to get ignored. I don't like that. I'm going to get no attention. I don't like that. I'm going to feel very unimportant to her. I don't like that. Cuz remember, men actually receive real punishment as being ignored. They don't receive real punishment as you crashing out. Okay? Don't text him a million times. He's not going to think that's punishment. Don't call him a million times. He's not going to think that's punishment. When you act as if he's unimportant, you go out and you do your own thing. That's when he thinks it's actual punishment. So, never allow this disrespect to go unpunished. Because if you do, you will allow that relationship to harden in stone in that dynamic. And then that will become the expectation that he has of you. Right? As you don't uh punish him for the disrespect, right? He will begin to think, okay, I can continue disrespecting her and nothing will happen, right? And if nothing happens when I disrespect her because she doesn't choose to punish me or ignores punishing me or feels too overly dramatic if she punishes me, well then I'll just continue to disrespect her because clearly there are no consequences. Okay. Point number five is about going first. What am I talking about when I say go first? One of the easy mistakes to make, okay? And I never want you to make this mistake. When you start dating a guy, you might think to yourself, "Oh, everything's chill. Cool. Vibes. Everything is vibes." You know, the kids love vibes. As we're vibing, you know, I have this thing. My girls, okay, one of my uh really close girlfriends, she's like my BFF FF FF. Okay, so many Fs you can't even see straight. I love her so so so so much. She's having a bday party. And you know, me and you, we've been talking for like a month. I would love for you to come with me to this bday party and meet my BFF FFF forever, forever, forever. She's like my sister. We basically share blood. We share saliva. We share everything, even tampons. Okay? And this is the problem though. Okay? Very, very big problem. And it sounds very innocent in the beginning. In this scenario, let's say you just started dating a man for 1 month. Now that you've introduced this man that you just started talking to, right? You're like, "Hey guys, this is the guy I've been talking to. He's so cool. His name's uh Ty." Okay. Yeah. Tylo, whatever. Okay. You like black men. His name's Till. He's tall. He's handsome. He's amazing. I love him. Guys, meet Tylo. He's my favorite. Right. Oh, hey, Tylo. How you doing? Right. They all meet your guy. Then you guys are talking about it afterwards. You're like, "Yeah, that's the guy I've been dating. Haha. You're so bubbly, you're so giggly, all that good stuff. But now something's happened to your mind. See, as you've introduced him to your circle of people, to your inner circle, your close friends. Now, you feel like this is a little bit more serious. you feel a little bit more invested than you even did before because you liked the guy before and you thought he was cool before, but now that you've told your best friend forever and all of your other close girlfriends have gotten a chance to meet him, you feel like, "Oh, well, my girlfriends know about this as well. So, they're going to be asking me how this is going. They're going to be checking in on me. They're going to be saying, "Hey, did you go out with Tyler again? Did you spend some more time with him?" Now, what's going to happen to you? You're going to feel a lot of subconscious pressure to make this relationship with him work out, right? You want this to work because you feel in the back of your mind, this will be kind of embarrassing if I introduce him to my best friends forever and I tell him how this is the guy I'm talking to and then one week later or two weeks later or one month later we're no longer talking or things just fizzled out. Really embarrassing for me. I don't want to be embarrassed like that. So what I need to do now is I have to make this work. So even if he pulls away from me, I have to make this work. Even if he texts me less, I have to make this work. Even if he stops calling me, even if he takes me out on no dates, even if all he's doing is asking me to come over to slurp him off, I have to make this work. Why? Because I've already introduced him to my friends. or in some cases, I've already introduced him to my family. All my inner circle already knows him. I feel the pressure that I need to make this work or else I'm going to be embarrassed because I introduced him to everyone I already know and love. And the problem with that is in this scenario, you went first. You should never go first. When you go first, you're the one that feels that pressure to make these things work. you're the one uh that feels that pressure that the relationship has to get going and has to stay going and has to be sustained. When you're the one that feels that pressure, it puts you in action mode. It puts you in hunting mode. It puts you in masculine energy mode. Right? And now when you notice he he's not doing the same things that he was once doing, you continue trying to push instead of letting go because you don't want to feel the embarrassment of having to go back to your friends and say, "This didn't work out." You want that man to go first. If he's not at the place where he's ready to introduce you to his friends and his family and his inner circle, cool. You're not going to do that either, okay? You're not going to be the first one going. If he doesn't want to have a discussion about it, if he's not interested in in introducing you to anyone in his life, okay, outside of just, you know, him, then you're not interested in doing that either. The reason I say this, even though it sounds like a very weird thing to do and very standoffish, is for the reason I just stated before, but also you need to be able to recognize, is that where he's at mentally? You're introducing him to your best friend forever, but is that what he wants to introduce you to his best friend forever? Okay. Right. His BFF over here. Is he eager to introduce you to that guy? If the answer is no, why so? Because if you're imagining you guys are so close that you would love to introduce him to your best friend forever, why is he not on the same page with you of the excitement uh that you have uh to introduce you to his best friend forever? See, this is a very important thing to recognize and observe within men. I tell you, you're observing, you're analyzing, you're listening because you need to see what is he what is his level of interest, where is he at, right? How much does he want this? How intentional is he being here? Right? Does he have no desire to introduce me to any of his friends and family? He's never talking about it. It's only me and him. Okay, that's interesting because when he's not introducing me to any friends and family, when he's not introducing me to anyone in his inner circle, he's actually making the opportunity very easy to walk away because let's just say hypothetically he sleeps with me and then he ghosts me, right? He's not going to have to answer to anyone. He's not going to have any of his best friends saying, "Hey, what about Stephanie? Hey, what about Ashley? Hey, what about uh Lane that you met the other day or that you introduced us to, right? What happened to her?" Right? He's not going to have to answer to no one. And so, this is why you have to gauge this. Allow the man to go first. Let him introduce you to his inner circle. Let him be the one with the pressure on him. Let him be the one with the subconscious, "Oh, they know her now, so I have to make sure I make this work." Point number six is about chasing. Okay. Now, uh I'm going to describe this visual to you that I drew. Very bad visual uh in a way that should make sense to you of why I don't want you doing this. When you first start dating a guy, right? Sometimes your desire to want to be with this guy make this situation work or maybe just because you're lonely and you haven't had a guy like you or show you any attention in so long that you can begin saying, "Okay, uh, I need this to work." Similar to like how I was talking about earlier. And then you start thinking to yourself, okay, I can't wait for you to ask for my number. I can't risk that, okay? Cuz you might not. And then this might not work out. I can't wait for you to come and approach me because you might not approach me and if you don't approach me, my life's going to end because you're the only man on this earth. Or I can't wait for you to ask me out on a date. So, I'm going to do it because you're acting like a little pansy and I can't sit around and wait for you to ask me out on a date because I need to be on a date yesterday. And so, what do you end up doing? You end up doing a lot of the reaching out via text. You end up doing a lot of the phone calling. You end up doing a lot of the initiating for the date, right? You end up doing a lot of the approaching. you end up doing most of the work that he's supposed to be doing. As you're chasing him, even though I put him in the front here, right? Let's imagine you I know my drawing is very bad, right? You are the driver here. Okay? And we imagine him as the passenger. Okay? So, you're the driver of this. It's so so weird. You're in the back, but you're the driver. It's the new school car. It's one of these new Teslas. Okay? The drive the seats in the back. Okay? Something like that, right? Let's just imagine you're the driver here of this car and you're the one leading it up to its destination and you're the one or the reason I should say that this car gets to this destination. Remember how I talked about your relationship being like cement and that as time goes on your dynamic is hardening in stone. So as you establish this dynamic in which to in order to get to your destination and your destination in this case, right? Your destination being things like dates, right? Your destination being things like texts, your destination being things like calls that you guys will see each other and spend time with each other, right? In order for you guys to get to this destination, you have to be the driver in this scenario. You have to be the one pushing this relationship forward in order for you guys to spend time together in order for a a relationship to even exist. As this goes on, from the beginning, it seems very innocent and unassuming and you're like, "Hey, Thompson, I got the guy I wanted. I wanted to get him and I needed to get him, so I went and got the guy." Cool. But then as time goes on, in order for you to keep the guy, you have to continue driving. And as time goes on and the relationship is ongoing, he continues to be the passenger because you've established a dynamic in which in order to reach this destination, you're always driving. You're always chasing. So the reason I say this now this dynamic hardens in stone. But the problem is you went and chased that guy, did all the texting and calling and setting up the dates because you wanted a relationship. But what you didn't want is for in order for you to sustain a relationship that you always have to do the chasing. That you always have to do the texting, the calling, and the initiating. Right? You didn't want that initially when you first started chasing. But as that dynamic got set in stone, that's what you established. And that's the dynamic in which now you must function within in order to even keep this relationship afloat. And so this is the problem with the chasing and the initiating. Even though you might feel like, "Well, Thomas sent Thomas." That guy wouldn't text me if I didn't text him. That guy wouldn't call me if I didn't call him. That guy would not have approached me at the bar or the club or the event or the whatever. If I didn't go up to him and approach him, he wouldn't have asked for my number. He would have just walked out the door if I didn't ask for him. Perfect. That's awesome. I want you to recognize that. I want you to bask in that. I want you to live in that. I want you to tan in that. I want you to rub your whole body in that. Soak it in. Because recognizing that a man was willing to allow time with you to go and not ask for your number, to walk out that door, right, and not get your contact information, to not ask you out on a date, to not text you, to not call you. Recognizing that that is what he would have chosen to do is the most important realization you'll ever make because then you'll be able to sit back and relax and say, "You know what? He's cool. Sure, I would love to go on a date with him, but he is not where he needs to be interest in order for us to be dating. I'm not going to press. I'm not going to scream. Not going to yell. I'm definitely not going to beg. And I'm not going to chase. I will allow the men who are attracted to me to come to me. And if a man chooses not to come to me or approach me for any reason whatsoever, I will accept that as the truth. And I'm not going to push. You're in a different mental space as a woman than men are. Point number seven, ultimatums. When you want something from a man or you're at your wits end with a man, let's just say some of the things you've seen from him you don't like. Let's use an example as, hey, uh, you know, I don't like this thing where you do where you're flirting with girls. I see that you're messaging girls very inappropriate stuff. You're asking them to hang out via DM. You're messaging them hard eyes. You're liking their pictures. All this weird stuff that I don't appreciate or accept in a relationship, okay? It's very strange to me. I'm telling you now that if I ever see you send another inappropriate DM to a girl ever again, I'm breaking up with you. Right? This is essentially your ultimatum. This is your big we'll even put here your big red button. Meaning if he presses that button, okay, if he dares to press that button once again, all hell will break loose if you choose to push that big red button. Don't you dare. See, when you make this ultimatum, you now have a very important decision to make. When you said this, hey, I don't like this behavior. This doesn't work for me. If you do this behavior again, I will end this relationship. Understand? If he actually does that behavior again, you need to end the relationship. You can't have a conversation about it. You can't uh let him explain himself about it. You can't give him an opportunity.5 after the opportunity you just gave him. You can't. Oh, but uh maybe I didn't say it the right way or we didn't have a long enough conversation. Oh, it was over phone call, so he didn't Nothing. You cannot accept any apologies. You cannot accept any um you know uh acts of kindness. You nothing. Boom. Ba. Nothing. You have to follow through exactly how you said you were going to take action. Some of you might be like, "Well, Thompson, you're so overdramatic. Why are you saying this? This is so like, come on. I was just upset. You know, I wasn't actually going to break up with that guy just because of a DM." Well, then if you actually weren't going to break up with that guy because of a DM, don't say that. I'm going to say it again. If you know you're not actually going to follow through with that action that you're threatening, I'm going to break up with you. I'm ending this relationship. Do not say that. Why? I actually want to do something for you when I'm telling you this. Because I want your word to be like bond. I want your words to strike fear in men. I want them to feel like when you say you're going to do something, good or bad, that you actually mean that. Why? Because in your relationship, I want you to not have to scream or yell to get what you want. I don't want you to have to say things 85 times for a guy to take you seriously. I don't want to have you you to have to beg for things. I don't want to have you to have to get on your knees in order for him to take you serious. That sounded dirty, but you get my point, right? I want you to be able to say something one time and he's like, "Oh, she's serious about it." Like like I I'll actually put it to memory the first time she said it. But that only happens when you show him time and time again that you're one, you're not going to be repeating yourself 80 million times. And if you say something like, "Hey, I'm going to break up with you if you do this and this action." Then you actually break up with this man or follow through in whatever way you said you were going to follow through. Okay? I'm not saying you can't give ultimatums. I'm not saying you can't uh have boundaries, have standards, have lines that you don't want to have crossed. But if those lines get crossed, then you really have to make sure that you follow through with what you said you were going to do. Cuz if you don't, then what's going to happen is he's not going to take you seriously in the future, right? He's going to understand that when you're saying things, when you're talking about things, when you're making these ultimatums about things, it doesn't really mean anything when you say it. It doesn't really matter what you think. It doesn't matter what you want. It doesn't matter even what you don't like or don't approve of. Because even if you don't approve of it, what will happen afterwards? Yeah, he'll apologize a little bit. He'll tell you he's sorry, even though, you know, he's really not that sorry. And then he'll continue doing what he's been doing, knowing that you won't respond in any way that you said you actually would. Point number eight, explaining. Specifically, overexplaining. I drew this visual out here because this can happen very easily in a relationship. You're a woman. You have emotions and feelings. I want you to have emotions and feelings. I want you to express them until you're blew in the face. Great. However, there's a time and place for everything. When you're dating a man, okay, you need to recognize whether or not he even cares about your problems because sometimes, oh, goodbye. Sometimes you can make the mistake of overexplaining yourself, overcommunicating with a man who really doesn't care. Really doesn't care. Okay. Why? Because the way you're thinking this relationship is serious might not necessarily be the way he's thinking this relationship is serious. The way that you care and you're invested in the success of this relationship might not necessarily be the way he cares and is invested in the success in this relationship. But it's very important to recognize that. See, let me give you an example of what overexlaining can look like. Let's say a guy flops on you on a date. You guys were supposed to go to a sushi spot on Tuesday at 7:00 p.m. Tuesday at 7:00 p.m. came and went. He didn't send you a message all day. He didn't call you all day. He didn't let you know timing all day. He didn't even send you an excuse of why he's not showing up on the sushi date all day. Then you get to Wednesday and Wednesday comes and you are like fuming. You're so upset that he flopped on you on the sushi date that you guys were supposed to go on. You've been sitting there all night the previous night from Tuesday night crafting out your message in your notes. Oh yeah. So I'm going to lay out this to him and I'm going to tell him how I didn't appreciate because we were supposed to meet at the Japanese spot and this is the address of the Japanese spot. Oh yeah, this is He's going to love this cuz when I explain the address of the Japanese spot, let me use the zip code, too. Okay. What's the zip code? Yeah, the the area code is Okay. Yeah, we'll put that one there as well. So when you didn't meet me, this is how it made me feel. Yeah, the emotion is really more like disappointment. Yeah, I'm going to write that one. And you write out your thousandpage thesis on how it upset you that he didn't show up, what it made you feel, how you put on your best Fenty makeup and your amazing foundation and you got a Brazilian wax that day to make sure he you were looking good for him. You wore his favorite pair of jeans. You wore his favorite dress. You put on this lipstick and how disappointed you were when you showed up and he wasn't there or when he didn't even message you all day. and you explain and explain and explain yourself and his response is, "Oh, my bad." Or, "Okay," or "I apologize. I'm sorry." And you know deep down in your heart after you went through explaining yourself paragraph after paragraph after paragraph, you know, even his apology isn't a real apology because you feel deep down in your heart, "This man don't give a damn." So, why do I want you to never do this? Because it doesn't serve you. Really and truthfully, if a man does you wrong and he actually has the emotional intelligence to like kind of figure out why you might not be reacting or responding to him in the same way that you were, majority of the time a guy can figure it out, especially when it's very egregious. And if he's not able to figure it out or put two and two together, most of the time it means he's not even using his critical thinking skills one or he just doesn't care. He really just doesn't care. And the reason I'm saying this is not that I want you to stop communicating your feelings, but I want you to stop overexplaining to guys who don't even show uh lack of care or uh enough care to ask you what's going on with you. Are you upset? Did I do something? Am am I, you know, are you mad at me? What happened? What changed? Or ask themselves, was that wrong of me? Should I have approached that differently? Do I owe her an apology? Right? Because the reality of it is, if a guy flops on you on a date, he just doesn't. He's a no-show to the date, right? He should be the one to think to himself, "That's wrong of me. I shouldn't, you know, just not show up on this date and not say a word to her, right? That's inappropriate. She deserves my apology. She deserves at least to feel like I care about the fact that I didn't show up to this date, right? Not like I just won't say anything and expect her to be the one who messages me or reaches out to me, right? These are the type of things that you have to gauge, right? You can't do these things for men. You have to allow them to answer these questions for themselves, use their critical thinking skills, and say, "You know what? I I owe you an apology. That was wrong of me to do A, B, and C. I should have showed up or I should have whatever the case may be." Okay? so that you can be the one to say, "Okay." As opposed to he upsets you or he wrongs you and it's clearly that he wronged you and then you're overexplaining yourself when he hasn't even asked or he hasn't even inquired about how you're feeling or seem to care about how you're feeling. Point number nine is about bills. Never. Never in your wildest dream. Don't even dream. If you dream about it, I'm going to reach myself inside your dream. I'm going to come on top of your bed. I'm going to slap you in the face multiple times until you wake up and I'm going to tell you never dream about that ever again. If you dare to ever dream of paying a man's bills, that's exactly what I will do to you. Don't even dream about it. Some of you might be thinking, Thomasson, I would never be so stupid. I would never be so foolish to pay a man's bills. Trust me. Trust me. I've helped a lot of women a lot. Life comes at you very fast. Very fast. The reason I say this, it's very gradual. You'll start off and this guy will tell you a nice little soba story about where his life is at at this current moment, about how things are really a struggle for him. And it'll it'll be so small, so small, so itty bitty you can't even see it happening. You'll just start paying for some of his food, some of the dates, right? Some of his groceries and things like that because you just want to take care of him. You know, he's going through a tough time. You don't want him to be going through a tough time. And then after a while, right, it'll come. it'll creep up on you so slowly, so slowly, so slowly. And now all of a sudden, you're pitching in on things like his car, you know, helping it run, helping him fix some repairs, helping him, you know, get to work and stuff because, you know, if he can't get to work, he's going to get fired. And then all of a sudden, slowly but surely, right, you're paying for his rent rather directly or indirectly because now he's moving in with you because he's convinced you that you guys can save money if he moves into your place. But when he moves to your place, your name is on the lease and you're paying most of the rent and now he's eating your food that you're now having to pay the grocery bill for. And now you're sending him money to fix the repairs on his car. Trust me, it happens so slowly that you can't even notice it. Then one day you look back on your life and you realize you're supporting a man. This is the problem. When you're doing it, you feel like you're justified in doing it because as you're doing this for that man, you're thinking, "Oh, I'm helping him get off of his feet. I'm helping him get to the next level. I'm doing something, you know, nice and kind for him because he's kind of like a guy in need right now and he needs me." But the problem is, I have to be real with you. Men get very complacent very fast. And if you give him an opportunity to be able to to be able to access you mind, body, and soul, but then also you're the one taking care of him, he will say, "Why would I ever leave this situation? And why would I ever start doing work where I'm now taking on more responsibility?" Because trust me, in the process of you basically managing everything, he's still going to expect to be able to access you, for you to be available to him, for you to be wet for him, all that good stuff that benefits him because he gets very, very complacent. Okay? And as he gets more and more complacent, he starts asking himself, why would I ever go back to doing work? Why would I ever go back to giving to her? Why would I ever go back to doing for her when she is clearly comfortable or okay at the very least with doing for me? I know some of you think it would never happen to you in a million years. I've seen even the mightiest fall. Even the mightiest. And slowly but surely, you'll be in a place where you're doing everything for that man and he's literally doing nothing for you. And even when you describe to your friends your relationship with that man, you're scratching your own head and saying, "I don't know why I'm with that guy." Point number 10 is about standards. very dangerous for you to get into a relationship and ever make the mistake of allowing your standards to diminish. When you think of a relationship and you think of your needs, you shouldn't be self-aware enough to understand what your needs are in a relationship. You have a threshold, right, of the things that you need, right? This is where your needs lie, so to speak, right? These are the things you need to be present in order for a relationship to work. There's a threshold for that. You might need a man who is attractive, who cares, who's intentional, who's consistent. These are your standards that you would love to have in any romantic relationship. What happens though, you meet a guy and see your needs were up here for most men that you would be in a relationship with. This guy though, you really like him. When I say you really like him, I mean like you're maybe extra attracted to him than you are the average guy or the vibes you feel around him are extra vibe or maybe he's got an extremely big large deep penetrating DA and you're thinking to yourself, well, there are some things I really like about him. And you know, despite the fact that he doesn't meet all of my needs, there are some needs that he really, really meets. and he like goes above and beyond for those needs. Here's the problem, though. When you allow this process to happen, and you allow this man to fall below your already existing needs because you're like, "Well, I really, really like this guy, so he doesn't need to meet all of my standards because I really, really like him and I'm really, really attracted to him." This is the problem now. Now you get into a place where you've just allowed standards that were once standards for any man you would date to no longer be standards because now all of a sudden you really like this guy. So you're doing what I call giving out special treatment. You will never do that. You will never give out special treatment to a man no matter who he is. Before you begin dating, you will come up with your list and criteria of what your expectations and needs are in a relationship. what you expect out of a man and what you expect out of a partner. Okay? I want you to be very clear on what those things are and what your needs are. Then when you get into a relationship, you're think of yourself like a scientist, a very logical, stern, focused scientist because you come to your dates with your notebook in your mind and your your pen ready to write. observe, listen, and analyze all of this beautiful information you're soaking in from him. All you're doing is coming in with your already existing checklist. And as you're getting to know him, as you're talking to him, as you're experiencing him through the months and months of you guys dating, you're checking off on your checklist and asking yourself, I came in to this dating talking stage, whatever stage with this criteria. Is this criteria met? If the answer is yes, we check the box off as a check mark and we go on. If the answer becomes no, and I find myself going down the list and crossing X's on all of these different boxes of expectations of needs that I had for the standards that I came into this relationship with, I will no longer be with this man. I don't care if some boxes like Dame have three check marks on them. That's not a compensation that will allow me to be with a man who just because I really like him, he doesn't meet any of my other needs. So, whatever, forget it. Forget my standards. Let's just be with this guy. Okay? We're not doing that. Your criteria is your criteria for any man. So, if one guy that you really like disrespects you and goes crazy on you or does something that you know doesn't meet your standards and he falls below that threshold, you throw him out. You're not in the business of allowing guys to exist in your life down here. And you just say, "Well, I really like you, so whatever." Okay? You're no longer when you join the players club, you're done being a whatever type of girl. Okay? You have your standards. Everyone gets treated the same. You don't like how strict I am. You don't like my rules and regulations. Go find another girl with no rules and no regulations.
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