This podcast episode emphasizes the critical importance of intentionally cultivating a positive and emotionally safe environment within the home, drawing parallels between human parental love and divine love, and offering practical strategies for parents to achieve this.
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I think I talk about my dad the way that
he fathered me because he was I felt his
love and how much more the heavenly
father loves me and it's out of that
love that I then we love because he
us life is like a roller coaster but
it's better when we go through it
together welcome to the Candace Cameron
buray podcast we're here to share
conversations about life challenges
celebrations and everything in between
this season we're talking about becoming
better parents with Dr Josh and Christy
stra and we're also going to have some
special guests in later episodes my
husband Val is going to join the hot sea
and some of my kids will be joining us
too which is going to be a lot of fun
but today Josh and christe have some
stories to share about the emotional
environment of our homes come join us [Music]
hi guys welcome back hey thanks for
having us another week another
discussion about parenting it and today
we are talking about cultivating the
emotional environment in our
homeo that's a good topic I know and one
I don't think we think much about at
least I never did yeah no I I mean as a
parent back in the day in the middle of
it I don't think I ever how am I going
to cultivate the emotional environment
in my home right so I'm glad to have
this conversation we feel when things
are off kids are
complaining we're tense it's the we feel
it but I don't know that we always
recognize it yeah it's almost like that
you know when you walk into someone's
house and there's that smell that's just
it just is your house smell and our
house smell and you go on a trip you
come home and you smell it it's like
that like it's like it's Unique to the
family but we're so not aware of it and
I think that's why it's super helpful it
is even like what is that what is the
emotional environment of our home what
does it feel like when you step into our
house cuz most of us have never thought
about it never thought about it I
haven't either which is this means it's
going to be a fascinating discussion
Josh I would like to hear about how you
grew up I think um it
really determined what you wanted to do
as a profession in your life it it
obviously molded and shaped you into the
man you are today but um can you share
with us growing up yeah it's just wild
um so I had an amazing childhood I look
back on my childhood so often and I
think about the times that I would ride
my bike to the creek and I would play
with the Crawfish and we'd run through
the you know the the the tubes
underneath the the road where the creek
would flow and you know you just play
and playing baseball and I wrestled and
I just um you know I can count on one
hand the number of wrestling matches my
dad missed and those because he couldn't
get off work in time to be there you
know there was an away match or
something like that like my dad was
always in the stands um I can remember
though what really so I had amazing
parents but what really took the shift
for me was when I was 10 years old I was
in bed it was I me I remember it was
like it was yesterday it was July it was
1990 I was 10 years old and gives a
little my age away a little bit if you
do the math but um and I
remember I was I was ready to wake up on
a hot summer day and go play at the
creek be with my friends play in our
swimming pool and I remember my my mom
came into our bedroom and I felt my
mattress kind of sink down a little bit
and my mom woke me up and she said hey
Josh she said I'm moving out today do
you want to stay here with your dad or
do you want to go with me and up to that
point as a 10-year-old boy I'd never
seen my parents argue at least if I did
I didn't really remember wasn't like I
knew that there was I mean it was like I
felt like I had a perfect childhood up
until that point wow and so my Mom
leaving my dad was a it was a shock to
the system for me and as a firstborn it
is fascinating how we tend to you know I
do what I do today cuz I talk about how
amazing my parents were but yet this
divorce kind of was there and so as a
firstborn I wanted everybody to feel
good I wanted to make sure that we were
all so I was like well I don't really
want to choose I chose to get my things
at my dad's but then we were like I was
like well I'm just going to go back and
forth every other week and I just want
to see you and and I did everything that
I could to to navigate that Journey um
and then I had to work through my own
stuff uh as I got up into my adult years
where people pleasing trying to be all
things to all people trying to make sure
I was massaging relationships and make
sure everybody was okay and I didn't
realize how that went back into my
childhood um even back to my parents
divorce and so you know uh my dad has
since passed he passed in 2016 and uh I
can just remember so many memories of of
my dad and how the the childhood that I
had and how I try to carry those things
into my relationship with my kids today
but I always talk about and and we talk
about the emotional environment of our
home I always think about you know the
Bible says to honor our parents uh with
that comes long life and and I think a
good life a joyful life when we honor
our parents but at the same time too we
can't live in denial so so I I I don't
know that honor lives in denial and so
it's like well my parents just did
everything they could for me they did
their best you know I think a lot of
times what we do is we dismiss okay if I
want to honor my parents the way that I
do that is I want to take the good that
they gave me but I also don't want to
deny the you know the painful moments
but what I want to do is I want to take
that and I want to level it up from the
Next Generation I want to level it up
for their grandkids because if I do that
to me that's honoring my family really
really well and since my dad has passed
that's that's kind of how I viewed uh
honoring him is to take what he's given
me and and to see the good and and all
of it and level up uh for his grandkids
and and I think that's the beauty of it
and so for
me I look at the moments of Our Lives I
look at the moments with my children and
I just kind of see
through that lens of how can I take the
good into my relationship with my kids
and I and I was just curious for you
even Candace you know how you have done
that in your own life like when you look
back you know even as you were maybe
some tense moments that you might have
had in you know in your home and what
those have looked like or even peaceful
moments and and when you really felt
like oh things are it we're whole we're
we're good it feels it just feels yeah
you feel it you know when you just said
that I the first visual that came to mind
mind
was our home in Florida which the kids
were raised really their first 10 years
there mhm Max was born there
and it's the kids swimming in the pool
Val cooking I'm kind of cut and being
the Sue chef but watching the kids in
the pool uh maybe friends over dog
running around like that to me is when
my family is most whole and complete
that we're all together I can hear
laughs and fun I I there's there's always
always
food and I think that's most people in
life and beasting I think is important
yeah yeah food just plays such a big
part in gathering together and the
conversations that ensue over the meal
and I just love that so that's when I
feel most like my family is whole and
complete yeah and then I can feel I
can understand the chaos in your house
too which kind of feels like the chaos
can outweigh more than I I shouldn't say
that because we've we've had amazing
amazing times I
guess the the chaos can just feel bigger
yeah that's what it is it feels bigger
than all of the Great Moments but they
definitely don't outweigh the good
moment and I wonder to what degree too
because it's fascinating to me I look
back on my childhood my parents divorce
but yet even as I'm talking about this I
see the there's you hear me talking
about the good you hear me talking about
how my parents showed up for me and I
mean you know we talk about viscerally
the smells we talk about the you know I
think about um this is going to sound so
funky but it's just the reality I think
about college football season cuz my dad
dad you know loved college football we
would do that together we'd be in the
backyard during the fall the leaves are
changing you smell fall like fall is my
favorite season but I think it was
because I always remember my dad and I
in the backyard playing football
together and and doing things together
and and and I take those memories but I
can't imagine what my parents were going
through with their divorce I can't
imagine how they were feeling you know
and so you're talking about these tense
moments as parents where it's like oh it
feels so overwhelming in the moment but
yeah here's a son I sit and I go oh I am
when I look back on my childhood I tend
to think of it as a really great
childhood yeah in spite of how I had to
heal through the Brokenness that but but
I can't imagine I've talked to my mom
about this years later the shame my mom
felt I'm sure having gone through a
divorce and and and her inability to
feel like she could step back into the
church or even lead in the church or
what other people were thinking of her
the way they were looking at her as a
result of that and she didn't share that
with me until just the last maybe 10
years years and I was like oh wow Mom I
never knew and so those tense moments I
think you know as we talk I think it's
very easy for us as parents to put so
much weight on ourselves thinking about
the environment of our home but what our
kids are truly experiencing I think is a
real important question to ask even them
to check in with them from time to time
to go what is it that you that what
feels peaceful right now in our home to
you you know I love entering my kids
world and asking them those questions
yeah I love ask asking those questions
to my kids
now because they're but they're because
they're older and because I can but I
wish I had even thought to ask them that
while we were raising them while they
were all living at home at the various
ages of their lives yeah I we I don't
know when was this Josh maybe like the
last year or so we started implementing
like a Sunday family meeting mhm sort of
for this reason to because it felt like
as they've gotten older and like the
pace of life has picked up and people
are going different directions and um it
was this like weekly check-in of and the
question we we just ask is what do you
need from us this
week and that seems really simple but I
think often that's that's the thing we
all need like what do you need and I
think for one it taught our kids that
it's okay to have needs it's okay to say
them and that's all you have to do you
don't have to act out you don't have to
you know add to the chaos by
like we genuinely want what do you need
this week do you need time with Mom do
you need to go out with Dad do you need
help with your school workor do you you
know friend time what do you need um but
I think it's given us a really interest
it's like a lay of the land of like how
everyone's doing like are you know this
sun is this way this sun is this way
this one is needing this but you start
to notice like the emotions that they're
under the surface that so often we just
gloss over or we you know discipline
them away or totally we don't even I
don't think I ever thought about asking
my kids that and I feel like as the
parent it was my job to be in charge and
dictate to a degree like the schedules
what we were going to do how it was
going to go and I mean I don't think I
was emotionally unavailable with my kids
or my husband I know that we were but
those aren't questions I readily thought
to ask them I would be curious to if
because I feel like we we surveyed over
700 parents in our community and we
asked them what's your greatest
parenting struggle and the number one
parenting struggle we hear over and over
and over again is we're too busy and
there's not enough time and I'm curious
if that has gotten even worse since your
kids were that age because of the
increased activities and increased
social media and all of the things that
we just feel so and if we don't pay
attention this is where the Sunday
family meeting is such a practical tool
because if we don't pay
attention to the environment of the home
the world will Define that environment
for us yes all of the activities all of
the yeses all of the things will start
to compile up so quickly and we don't
even have a read on how our kids are
experiencing it we know we are feeling
like there's not enough time and there's
you know there's not enough time and
we're too busy but imagine what that
pressure is putting on to our children
when we're constantly going get your
shoes on we got to get out the door we
don't have enough time daddy play with
me oh but we don't have enough time we
have to do that and and you're just
feeling that and that's where the and
I'll be honest too the Sunday family
meeting you talk about food the Sunday
family meeting was also a way for
Christy to be like Josh I need help meal
planning so Sunday we were able to sit
down and do meal planning together look
at what groceries we needed for the week
and that type of thing but so so we have
our own time together to plan some of
those activities and see what's ahead
but then we invite our kids in to just
what it does is that allows us to
dictate the environment of the home each
week as opposed to the culture doing
that where we can just get a read
everybody can take a step back and we
all know okay we can take a deep breath
and and and identify oh this is what I
actually need yeah and for us to even
look at each other and say I miss you
like we need a date night we need time
together yeah uh because otherwise she's
very competent I feel like I'm very
competent and we just take the tasks at
hand and run with them and it wasn't
just like date night or realizing like
what we needed but we started to hear
from our kids things like you know you
have them the activities that you think
are like bringing joy to their life and
they love and then you'll hear from them
like I'm not really loving piano anymore
or I don't love Jiu-Jitsu I'm done with
gymnastics like I'm just and you're like
why are we doing this then why are we
driving why are we dropping you off and
so it was just the Simplicity of like we
don't need all these things and just to
evaluate some things are great things
and they bring so much life to the kids
or to the family and then let's
eliminate the things that just aren't
bringing life anymore right yeah I it's
a good lesson to to simplify and to to
to be yeah and that goes against the
grain of what culture is because culture
is just drive drive drive drive drive
and I think that to create that safety
that environment in the home is just
really important and I the thing that I
want to say about this and you talked
about this I think in last episode how I
and it's so I think we all do this where
the Benchmark for how our kids are doing
or how we're doing is are they well
behaved yeah right and I I want to for
me as a father one thing I'm really been
have a new filter of is am I doing a
great job of my children experiencing
joy and I think that is if I could help
my children experience joy in life
that for me that's a benchmark that I
want to attain as a father is not that
it's something you can attain it's an
environment you have to cultivate and
and what I love by that and and I'm
going to actually read this quote
because is um Dr Allen Shaw he wrote a
book called the body keeps the score and
in that book he talks about joy and he
defines joy relationally as quote
someone who is glad to be with me and
quote being the sparkle in someone's eye
and I think man if we could just so so
we and going back to the last episode
emotional safety making parenting
simpler using that as the
filter but I I talked a lot about our
research on this but what about what
what does the Bible say about this and
you know in Psalm 103 it says the father
as the father has Compass as a father
has compassion on his kids so the
heavenly father so the father has
compassion on us he doesn't keep his
anger forever doesn't always chide he
loves us with a steadfast love that and
and steadfastness it's a that word in
the Hebrew it's such a big word that you
can't even break it down into English in
a proper way it's kind of like a the
Greek uses aape love but it's it's not
even that it's more than that it's like
this love that is so big in other words
we are the Sparkle in the father's eye
and it's out of that and you talked
about even when you were raising the
kids and it was everybody in the pool
and the feast and the community you
mentioned community and it's even part
of the whole it's it's the whole theme
of your podcast is it's a roller coaster
but it's better when we do it together
yeah that Community is what brings Joy
To Our Lives because we realize whoa we
are in this together I am the sparkle in
someone else's eye I have someone who
cares about me I have someone who loves
me and and and when we filter that you
know we pray the Lord's prayer may your
your will be done on Earth as it is in
heaven well do we think about am I
parenting on Earth as the father would
parent me in heaven are we bringing that
down to earth I am the sparkle in
someone's eye and and Jesus Delights in
o I think I talk about my dad the way
that he fathered me because he was I
felt his love mhm and how much more the
heavenly father loves me and it's out of
that love that I then we love because he
first loved us and um and I just if we
can experience that love and I think of
all these listener questions that we've
tackled in the first couple episodes and
I think of the moms who feel alone and
and maybe even fathers who feel alone
and I'm going ah if we could just truly find
find
and connect in a community of people
yeah that we're the sparkle in their eye
and and we've got to step out and not be
alone in this and feel lonely in this
because we have a father who loves us
deeply and so I think there's nothing
more profound and then than this whole
idea of emotional safety um through the
scriptures through through God loving us
the way that he
does the Declaration of Independence
States we all have the right to like
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so what what are the practical how do we
create that environment that we want
yeah so and I think that's that's the
like it's this double-sided perspective
like Josh is talking about this is a
Biblical principle that then like we can
talk about the science too but like that
just science is proving true right like
it's a it's a Biblical god-ordained system
system
of not just how we're built but how
we're built to be in relationships and
then I think like scien has come in and
like try to explain it and I think that
sometimes that's helpful for parents to
just sort of put like grasp onto like so
what do I do cuz how do I actually
reflect the Father's love to my kids
when we're broken people we're just
getting this concept now like I'm just
starting to get a taste of it how do I
do that for them and I'm not I'm not a
perfect mom by any means so it comes
through such a frail vessel um the thing
that I love is Philippians 4 Paul talks
about I think Paul lays this out I think
he was a neuros he understood the Brain
before we even understood the brain yeah
in Philippians 4 he's writing this
letter from prison to the church at
Philippi and he says uh and it's a verse
that many of us have heard in the church
but he says the Lord is near first of
all he says let this is in chapter 4 he
says let your gentleness be made known
to everyone and the word gentleness
there in the Greek means your power
under control M now imagine I know what
pushes christe's buttons and but I have
to have my power my gentleness be made
known to Christie my power under control
to not push her buttons but the so let
your gentleness be made known to
everybody the Lord is near therefore be
anxious for what nothing but in
everything by prayer and supplication
with Thanksgiving so this is what's
fascinating Neuroscience research shows
that gratit ude and anxiety cannot
coexist in the brain so the more
grateful we are the more we push out
worried thoughts so so when we talk
about and we talk about this in a
healthy home guide that's available when
we label emotion what we're doing is is
is is he's saying do not be anxious
about everything but go to God In Prayer
so in other words label verbalize left
brain activating to your right brain
label to God he already knows what we're
feeling this is this is an act of
confession where we confess to the
father I feel anxious I feel scared I
feel alone I feel we're confessing what
he already knows about us but the act of
confession has this profound impact in
our lives that when we confess it with
Thanksgiving to a God who loves us so
deeply God thank you for loving me thank
you that though I walk through the
valley of shadow of death I shall fear
no evil for you are with me thank you
that you are a refuge and a strength my
everpresent help in a time of trouble
thank you that you are with me what
we're doing is we're training our brain
to learn that oh he is we're reminding
ourselves he is there he is present and
so then it says in the peace of God
which surpasses all understanding will
keep your hearts and your minds in
Christ Jesus so there is a calming
effect in other words it's a piece that
we can't even understand there's a
calming effect on the brain and it's not
until that point that he finally writes
finally brothers and sisters whatever is
pure true excellent anything holy
praiseworthy what think on these things
and I think what Paul understood is when
we're anxious and overwhelmed we can't
think straight which is why we need to
go to the father and I think from a
practical standpoint our ability to go
back and label emotion this is where we
do it with the father in a prayer of
examine going back and labeling our
emotions to the father and saying father
I feel anxious I feel scared I feel sad
I feel alone what do I need to know
about that Lord would you comfort me in
this would you guide me in this would
you show me your presence in this and
and there's just a beautiful component
so so this Neuroscience research that's
showing how our brains are wired is so
connected to who God is and what the
scriptures say about how we're to
interact with him and I think so often
we we feel alone and then we what we
tend to do is we tend to turn to our the
things that calm and soothe us so
whether that's our phones whether that's
Netflix whether that is we we have our
vices we have our things that we turn to
to try to reestablish that don't really
give us a peace that surpasses all
understanding and so the more that we
can enter into that prayer time that
devotion time and reorienting ourselves
with the Father's Love is really really
important so yeah I I and I can't I that happens
happens
that only continues to happen when we're
doing it in community as well and so I
would just really encourage do not be
afraid to ask for help we need to be the
ones who are going hey I need help here
I feel alone you know it's interesting
because as I'm I've mentioned many times
on the podcast like I wasn't raised in a
Christian home but 12 years old was the
first time we started going to church
and then things changed but again still
wasn't a family that like did DeVos and
whatever didn't have the church lingo
and all the didn't pray at meals all
that I mean my whole childhood none of
that I didn't have that modeled for me
as a child what it looks like to parent
with scripture with Bible reading time
with prayer time so those were all
things I had to learn on my own and then
also learn along with my husband who
wasn't at the same place spiritually as
me once I really wanted to know God and
that was really when the kids were young
mhm so cultivating that environment was
like building it from the ground up I
didn't really know what I was doing and
then Val wasn't totally on the same page
as me but wasn't far from the same page
he was like open to it but just not
quite there yet so um I
remember all of that you know when the
kids would go down for a nap or when
they were in school that was my time I'm
like I would open up my Bible and I'm
like let's start reading this let's
start learning what the scripture says
because I didn't really even though I
was a Christian I didn't read my Bible
as a teenager but now as an adult as a
parent I wanted to know what am I
teaching my children and really I think
I didn't know the question at the time
but it was like what environment do I
want to cultivate in my house and all I
knew in my heart was I want it to be a
Godly one I want it to be Godly and I
want my kids to know God and I want Val
and I to know God together and so those
were incredible and Powerful moments day
to day to day in my life to read that
scripture and you know I was one of
those people that just kind of randomly
open the Bible and go what am I going to
read today and then I started to learn
like oh there are Bible reading plans
I'm going to follow a Bible reading plan
I'm going to do a Bible study I'm going
to bring in community I'm going to now
meet with some girls weekly and that environment
environment
learning you know even the music I'm
going to play in my home or the
conversations that are going to be in my
home that Chang things and I'm sure that
changed me and then the way I would
parent my children and I think that's
the thing is so often we as parents the
moment matters it's like the moment is
everything and and and because you know
I'm teaching my three-year-old to sit at
the table and and because I told him
once it's like I have this expectation
that he should listen from that point
forward every other time right and it's
like no the whole idea of parenting is
this is a journey of of learning how
loved our children are our children
learning how loved they are and then
following suit into obedience based upon
the love that they feel and it's the
same thing as I think as children who
are parents we are children but we're
also parents you know you're saying I
didn't know there was a Bible reading
plan I didn't know all this but yet the
Bible says he is a rewarder of those who
diligently seek Him and even though we
don't always know what to do we you felt
the love of the father and you go I I
don't know what I'm doing but I know
that I want this in my home and he's a
rewarder of that and that over time you
get to Journey with your kids I to me I
see this as a journey where our children
are watching us lead as as as examples
of what it looks like to pursue the
Father's Love and that's what you just
described and and that's the that's the
culture that's the environment we're
cultivating it's not that we're doing
this perfectly it's that we're on a
journey that plays itself out over time
Eugene Peterson talks about it in the
sense of it's a long obedience in the
same direction and I'm like ah that just
it I take a a breath a deep breath and
go I can do that I might not get it
right in this moment but over time and I
keep that I get that I can do that I and
like that just makes me think like for
you guys I'm so curious how did you when
everything felt new when there wasn't a
model when there wasn't like a whole lot
of history that you're pulling from like
what were the things that you put in to
home some of the the immediate ones and
that were big for me
was the school that we decided to put
our kids in that was a big decision cuz
you have to think about school like when
they're infants I mean unless you're
going to public school or you're
choosing to
homeschool but those were all things I
wanted to consider but I'm like but how
okay I want God in our home and the
relationship and with my kids and so
that decision of what are we going to do
as a schooling option was a massive
change that I didn't really know and by
the way my dad was a public school
teacher for 35 years so I kind of
thought it was like public school or
nothing you know uh but that was like I
just can't say enough how much the C-
laboring with someone that's or a school
or whether homeschooling um but the C-
laboring for us made a massive
difference in our home to have other
people alongside when I know they were
outside of our home teaching the same
types of principles and values that we
were at home that was a big one and the
other big thing that was pretty
immediate was
prayer because didn't really do that
wasn't very comfortable with it I still
talk about how I'm not that comfortable
praying I don't feel like this great
prayer but I'm not afraid to pray and I
just speak from my heart and I'm
comfortable with that yeah so starting
to pray with the kids and just starting
that meals or starting at bedtime and
that was also conversation we could have
with them and then even Val and me both
learning to be comfortable to speak that
out loud and then show that show to the
kids that that was something that we
want to do that we can talk to God but
those were all brand new things to learn
and it was we heared it first especially
with vow cuz it was just like dude we've
never prayed out loud together what does
this look like and I feel a little dorky
and then sometimes you kind of say the
same prayer every night because you
don't know what else to say until you get
get
into what either feels like a more
comfortable rhythm with God or just say
like oh it really is just having a
conversation I can speak from my heart
um yeah yeah this is so it's so helpful
I just think of like so many people
listening who weren't like that wasn't
even really modeled for you like they
attended church but it wasn't like up an
a nominal yeah I would sayal yeah um
there's just so many people that I I did
grow up in a home where like we attended
church since I was little like I never
remember not knowing Jesus but that I'm
wasn't common and even where I lived
that was so uncommon and so I didn't
know how to practice my faith outside
because nobody understood it it was very
almost looked down upon or like you're
just weird you know and that was an
interesting you know dynamic for me but
to see other families learning how to do
this in a way that feels like not just
consistent with who God made them to be
but just like this is how he created me
and our family and this is cuz I I think
I came from the side of like oh you do
the daily you know Bible study or or
whatever like and it felt too formal in
the sense of like oh that's what you're
supposed to do and there's no freedom in
that either like that's not it's but to
watch it
organically um unfold yeah like grow
like that's what it sounds like it just
it just grew in your
family yeah this is good well I think
that we should go to one of our listener
questions M sounds great Jenny wrote in
and she said I've been married for 3
years I have two beautiful children ages
2 and 1/2 and 9 months my husband has
suffered a lot of trauma in his
childhood and I can see it being
projected onto our children I want
nothing more than for my children to
feel seen and safe sharing things with
us as their parents but I'm not sure how
to stop the negative spiral whenever my
husband is emotionally locked down and
parenting from an unhealthy space how
can I show everyone in my family love
and while still standing firm in what's
right for parenting our children the way
we're called to
to
wow that's a big that's AIG that's a big
question and
um I mean this isn't just about the
Practical and the how-to but we're
dealing with trauma here at least yeah
that's what she said from her husband so
I mean Josh I'm going to throw this to
you yeah yeah I'm going to so so the
place that I would start in is I I I
love the way that she says this is how
can I show everyone in my family love
and grace while still standing firm in
what's right and I think it's important
that what we don't do is in because
there's a degree to which she has to
love her husband you know and love him
through his own stuff but there is also
a degree to which he becomes a
responsible adult and says I've got to
pay attention to this and I've got to
take respons responsibility for the way
that I'm reacting and I need to do
something about that where she's not you
know cowering to it and becoming a
doormat you know and and he's just
walking all over her I think it's
important for her to be able to stand
her ground and speak and say wait a
minute this is not how we need to be
treating our children but you it's a
delicate balance cuz you got to be able
to do it without feeling like you're
putting more shame and blame on your
spouse and this goes both ways whether
it's a husband or a wife what we're
doing is we want to lead in Grace and
follow in truth and so how do we lead in
Grace in a way where and and this is
this is what I would say you know and
again it's so nuanced and and there's
there's no black or white answer here
because I don't even know it doesn't say
the circumstances around it doesn't even
say to what degree her husband is is
okay or to get you know counseling or or
that type of thing to start working
through his own pain but I would say it
starts there and I think for all of us
the thing that I want to say is for all
of us christe chrisy and I have a
therapist we have coaches in our lives
we have pastor we have people that we
have surrounded ourselves with but we're
constantly growing there's a um there's
there's research that shows that that
our children won't outgrow our emotional
maturity while they're under our roof
and so if I want to raise my if my
ceiling is my child's floor then I want
to raise my ceiling at all times and so
the people that I'm surrounding myself
with the people that I'm entering into I
want to be able to surround and I think
that's a great place to start as parents
is to be able as as spouses is to be
able to have a conversation and say hey
where do let's start with the end in
mind where do we want our children to be
and then let's work backwards from there
because it's very easy if you're looking
at a particular moment where maybe your
spouse loses it on your children for you
to you know come into your spouse and go
why did you lose it we're not going to
lose it when we're both when the
amigdala is going off and we're both
heightened no constructive
comes out of that the way to do this is
when we're all down when our defenses
are down we're functioning into a place
of of of healthy you know we're
functioning we're healthy we're calm
we're cool we're collected and we look
back on a moment we go okay let's let's
let's start with the end in mind how do
we come together in this and the way
that I'll always start with chrisy um
giving away some of my uh Secrets here
is I if if I see something in Christie
that you know that I'm like I don't know
if we should be interacting with the
kids that way or what I'll do is I'll
start making sure that I model it I'll
do it first and then I'll start to bring
it up so that I make sure that I'm not
asking her to do something that I'm not
willing to do or haven't been doing and
so and and I think you've been similar
with me where we lead with Grace and
then we cast vision for what the future
holds and then we can both say Hey you
know if in this case uh for Jenny if you
want your husband to go to therapy start
with being willing to go I really want
our kids to grow well and what I want to
do is I want to take ownership and I
really I'm going to go to therapy
because I really want to make sure I'm
the best mom I can be and take the lead
there and start there and and begin to
see if your husband's following suit
with that and if he's not then bring it
up and say hey would you be willing to
do this too yeah and I want to add
because I think that's exactly so much
of I think Mom struggle with is this
belief that we can control the situation
you cannot she can't control her husband
and that is truly his choice to make but
I also just feel like to say a child
needs one safe adult like one adult to
will hear them and that's what she said
like I want my kids to feel seen and
safe sharing things with them and so she
can be that for them and like they're he
he might not be in a really healthy
place they also have a 2 and
1/2-year-old and a 9-month-old like this
was when I hit the Bottom Rung of life
too like I I everything is going to be
like exploding at this point but your
kids just need one and you can get it
wrong a whole lot in repair and I think
just like that speaks to all the single
parents who are you know maybe the
divorce situation and it's not a healthy
Dynamic I'm not saying that's okay as
like let's just I'm so sorry for that
pain that you carry and all the pressure
that probably puts on you but you can be
the one that's safe for your kids and
they they just need one stable safe
person and I think we put so much
pressure on ourselves um that this is
one thing that to just slather in Grace
like we have one father who's perfect
and and look what he's done with all of
us so and I want to say this too
research shows that marital satisfaction
tends to dip to the lowest level when
your kids are younger than five when
you're in the infant taught right after
having kids
so sense I just want to normalize that
if you're having marital trouble and the
kids are so little that is actually
pretty normal that's when we started
looking at at it and going yeah that's
when John Townson said Josh you need to
get out here and get some work done I
was like okay I'll go do that yeah yeah
that's great thank you for that
lovely okay these I love this
conversation because life really can be
like a roller coaster so this season
we've created a free pdf guide called
the Healthy Home guide and it's from
Josh and Christy's book famous atome go
to candice.com to find the link and it's
also in today's show notes you'll also
find a link to their book famous at home
which is all about what our conversation
this season is based on until next time
be grateful all day every [Music]
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