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Can You Make P*rn Healthy?

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This content explores the complex nature of pornography use, challenging common assumptions and arguing that its impact, whether positive or negative, is primarily determined by the individual's underlying psychological state and how they integrate it into their life and relationships, rather than the act of consumption itself.

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Get up, get up, get away. You were alive tonight.

tonight.

Cut off so much.

You knew that there was still a way. Cry

again and try anyway. When you got them

back, but you had to pay. Stand up. But

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now. This is your only plan. Oh, now

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all you've ever known.

A single state of mind.

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everyone will say

that it all was finished years ago. But

Heat. Heat. [Music]

again found the answer. Then you were

there alone. You left the door unopened

1 2 3 4

and I feel [Music]

[Music] Hey,

Hey, [Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] hey, hey.

Hey, [Music]

hey, hey. [Music]

[Music] Hey,

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Heat. [Music]

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A lot of people out there will struggle

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Move in the right direction. Take one

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[Music] Heat.

[Music]

All righty chat, let's get started.

Welcome to another Healthy Gamer GG

stream. My name is Dr. Alo Kenoja. Just

a reminder that although I'm a

psychiatrist, nothing we discuss on

stream today is intended to be taken as

medical advice. Everything we discuss

today is for educational or

entertainment purposes only. So if you

all have a medical concern or question,

please go see a licensed professional.

So happy Friday everybody. For those of

y'all that are celebrating Independence

Day in the United States of America,

happy Independence Day. Um today we have

a fun topic.

So we're talking about potentially

healthy porn use. Um and what makes porn

use healthy? what makes porn use

potentially unhealthy. Um, so I think

we're going to dive into a lot of fun

research, but before we kind of get started,

started,

I want to share a couple of things with

y'all. Um,

so one thing that's super cool, let me

see if I can find this. Uh, give me a

Okay. So, a couple of cool things

before we get started.

First is if y'all have been around

recently, y'all may have noticed that we

did a couple of lectures on pueris. And

this is something that we're trying to

do more recently. Like so when there's a

topic that really matters to people in

the community and people really resonate

with um we may get more into puer later

if you guys want, but um we we've

started to create like uh resource

pages. So just additional info kind of

summaries some of these like graphics

and things like that. Um and so

there's and because people will ask us

like what do I do? And so I'm happy to

explain like concepts and things like

that and some like ways to get started

but the truth of the matter is if y'all

like are struggling with something

you know it's not something that I can

explain in 30 minutes or sometimes I can

but the problem is everyone is a little

bit different. So you sort of have to

figure out what works for you. Um and so

we've tried to create different kinds of

resources and things like that. So if

you kind of go to our it'll give you all

some guidance as to what to do. Um if we

look at resources, you know, there's

stuff like Dr. K's guide which I think

there's a lot of stuff around ego which

would help whoevers a lot. Um we also

have a lot of like free resources

because a lot of people, you know, don't

have access to funds or means to do

things. And then um you know we have

coaching and stuff like that,

memberships for more advanced topics. So

there's all kinds of stuff and hopefully

it'll help you all get started. Um

another cool thing is we launched this

meditation tracks thing where um it sort

of gives you kind of a structure. Oh

man, hold on.

And this is really cool. So, since we

launched this, we've had people

meditating for like 700 hours, which is

neat, right? So, we launched this on

June 25 around June 25th. Um, so over

the course of the last like week, week

and a half, um, seems like people are

meditating like pretty consistently and

that's like super cool. So, we're trying

to build some of these tools for y'all.

Um, yeah. Last thing is uh we have a um

our early bird sign up special for Dr.

Honda's workshop is over. Um I think

we've got uh a few dozen seats left

maybe. Um but I I think you know a lot

of it is

uh reserved now. So if y'all are

interested uh Dr. Honda is an expert in

things like relationships, um,

um,

expert in relationships, attachment

style, and personality disorders. And,

and a lot of times, you know, I'll talk

about we'll talk about, okay, like if

you've got toxic parents, this is the

effect that it has on you. And then

people will sort of ask me a question

like, okay, how do I heal from bad

parenting? And that's what the workshop

is all about. It's it's not an area of

expertise of mine. I don't that is not

my my jam. um this whole like healing

self-love kind of thing like I I know

it's kind of weird to say but it's not

just how I approach things. So we'll see

we all will get a taste of how I

approach things later today which is

tends to be a little bit more analytical

a little little bit more explanatory

um you know alternative medicine stuff

sure but sort of like the more rigorous

side of it. Last thing is we are still

looking for voicemails. So if y'all want

to submit voicemails really love it. I

think people like it a lot. Um y'all can

use the the command exclamation point

voicemail in chat to um

sort of submit your voicemails. Okay.

Their guidelines like 90 seconds. So

offer us like a little bit of context

and what the challenge is and then we'll

try to get through those so that we can

answer like more questions. Okay. All

right. So without further ado, today

we're going to talk about healthy

pornography use and whether healthy

pornography use is possible

and as we answer this question I hope we

will be able to discover right so if if

we understand what healthy pornography

use looks like if it's possible

then what we can do is once we know what

healthy use looks like then we may have

some insight into what creates unhealthy

use and if we understand those two

variables, it will give us a way to

navigate our pornography use, right? So,

what is really the problem with pornography?

pornography?

Um, and I I think like so this too is

like inspired a little bit by people in

our community. So, is moderate porn use

really that bad? I've been conflicted

with porn. I I used to watch it a lot.

Then I would be in a cycle of low-key

trying to quit. Um, you know, one of the

most common arguments that I have is

that if you start watching it twice a

week, then it ramps ramps up. Um, you

know, there are people who are clearly

pro porn. Um, I'm concerned about frying

my dopamine receptors since porn gives

you a high dopamine rush.

You know, one final thing is that people

say it ruins relationships and makes sex

worse. So, um, the counterargument is I

usually hear is that I'm replacing porn

for sex, but if I stop watching porn

when I'm in a relationship where I can

have sex, then is it okay to start

watching it now if I can't get it any

other way? So, there's there's, you

know, this post is pretty long and I

think it touches on a lot of the common

ideas about pornography. Okay, so the

first is that porn is bad for you. So,

we know that porn activates your

dopamine receptors. Um, people struggle

to sort of figure out how to use

pornography in relationships. Is porn

something that I should do outside of

relationship? Is it something I should

do inside of a relationship? Is it a

form of infidelity? Like, what's the

deal? Okay. And what's really shocking

is that

we now sort of have a very good idea of

maybe not a very good idea, a far better

idea of what makes pornography

problematic. And what we've discovered

is actually quite shocking. So there's

been an explosion of research in the

last two or three years. And the key

thing is there's been a lot of something

of something called meta analyses. So

meta analyses are are when we take like

something like you know studies that

have a thousand particip participants

each we put them together so that we

have a sample size of like 50,000

people. One of the studies that we're

going to be looking at today um combines

data from 50,000 individuals and what we

sort of found is like quite shocking. So

a couple of the key things that people

as we've combined all this data here are

a couple of shocking things that float

to the surface. The first is that the

amount of pornography that you watch

does not seem to be correlated with what

how damaging it is. Shocking. So there

are people who watch a lot of

pornography for whom it is a big problem

and people who watch a lot of

pornography for whom it is not a big

problem. Okay. So the amount that you

watch so this kind of like general idea

that you know once you start ramping up

it becomes more damaging that doesn't

appear to be the case. Okay. And we'll

support this all with data in a second.

Second thing is that there's this really

contentious idea around pornography and

relationships. But as the data shows, a

lot of um pornography actually enhances

relationships. So pornography can be

used to enhance relationships or it can

cause problem in relationships and we'll

sort of dissect why that happens. Okay.

Um so these are like two really big

things. Third thing is that it seems

that whether pornography is harmful or

not doesn't depend on whether you're in

a relationship, doesn't depend on the

frequency of usage, but depends on the

way that you use it. And this is what I

I think is sort of floating to the

surface. So we have all these ideas that

like, you know, porn is bad for us,

right? And and we have this idea that

like porn is like this stuff that

affects the brain. And that's something

that I've explained several times

before, how it affects the brain,

affects our dopamine supporters,

um, affects our emotional circuitry. So

therefore, it is bad. But I think the

picture that we're starting to develop

about pornography is that it's actually

very similar to any other addictive

thing, whether it's a behavior or a

substance. So if we look at alcohol

addiction or alcohol usage, 6% of people

are addicted to alcohol.

the majority of people who utilize

alcohol can utilize it in a healthy way.

And I think what we're starting to see

with pornography is that that may be

true. Now, this is where things are a

little bit different because substance

use disorders and and behavioral

addictions are fundamentally different.

In the case of alcohol use, for example,

you can have a genetically inherited

single receptor which

which

alcohol activates more robustly. So you

can have a very robust transmission of a

neurotransmitter called GABA and that

can make you like you know you can have

like alcoholism runs in families. So you

can inherit a single receptor. So this

is important to understand when we're

talking about a substance use disorder

like a like a substance-based addiction.

You can have an alteration of a single

receptor that can drastically increase

your risk of addiction. When it comes to

behavioral addictions like video game

addiction, pornography addiction, social

media addiction, whatever, there's not a

single receptor in your brain that you

know gets activated by a chemical

compound. Therefore, I think the the

risk of these behavioral addictions is

more like global. So, it's more like of

a whole brain effect. There are more

issues around personality and and kind

of vulnerability, personality

vulnerabilities and certain kinds of

behaviors and dynamics that make it

addictive or not addictive. We'll go

into all that. Does that kind of make

sense y'all?

So today we're going to talk about this

stuff, okay? And then once we

understand, so it's not based on the

frequency of usage, can actually be used

to enhance relationships, can improve a

sense of like like life satisfaction by

using pornography like there's data

behind that. So we're going to dive into

all that and then what we'll sort of

settle on is what when does pornography

become problematic and how do we address

those issues? Okay. So,

So,

let's start. Feel like there was one

other thing that I wanted to say. Oh, yeah.

yeah.

So, um

Okay. So, let's start with this study.

Okay. So, this is a study that's looking

at perceived effects of pornography on

the couple relationship. Initial

findings of an open-ended

participant-in-formed bottomup research.

Okay, so here's the key first thing key

thing we need to understand about

pornography addiction research. Much of

the empirical research concerning

pornography's impact on couple

relationships can be legitimately

characterized as a confirmatory search

for the presumed harms of exposure.

So let's start by understanding what

this means. Okay.

uh typically involve theoretically

guided experimental and correlational

investigations of pornography use on

selective closeended uh end points.

Okay. So what does this mean? This means

that if we look at the research on pornography,

the studies will be trying to assess

pornography addiction or problematic

pornography use. They are not looking at

the effect of pornography. They're

saying, "Let us see if pornography is

damaging." So when these researchers are

doing this investigation, they will

craft their questions and frame the the

study in a way that presumes that

pornography is harmful. So they'll use

close-ended questions like, "Do you have

a problem with pornography? would or do

you use more pornography than you want

to? For example, so if you look at that

question, I can answer yes to that

question, but that doesn't mean that I

have a problem with pornography, right?

Like you could say like, do you eat more

chips than you want to? Yes.

And just because I eat more chips than I

want to doesn't mean that I'm addicted

to chips. So the first thing that these

researchers are now researchers are now

realizing is that there's like a bias in

the way that we do research. So what

what this study is is they didn't start

with the presumption that pornography is

harmful. They did qualitative research

that's bottom up. So they just asked

people open-ended questions like how

does pornograph if pornography affect

your relationships? So let's take a look

at what they found.

Okay. So if you just like if you don't

presume it's harmful. Uh the other thing

is that we should talk about is that

most of the research on pornography is

done on individuals

right so that it's not looking at

relationships and asking what is the

impact that pornography has on your

relationships. it. Sometimes they'll

have uh studies like that where they'll

ask, "How has pornography harmed your

relationship?" And do you all see how

like those two research questions are

very different?

But there all these assumptions about

the harms of pornography use, right? So

there's a bunch of

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Okay. So let's look at this. So while a

similar number of positive and negative

perceived effects were identified,

generally speaking, positive effects of

pornography use were reported more

frequently than negative consequences by

participants. And there was a

predominant tendency for participants to

reject the view that pornography

contributes to negative consequences.

I.e. that pornography people were on

board with the idea that pornography has

no negative impacts. Okay. Um

so it would appear that many individuals

experience effects of pornography on

themselves and the couple relationship

that do not conform to the investigator

imposed closeended endpoints represented

in bulk of published experimental and

correlational research in this area.

Okay. What that sort of means is that if

you ask people open-ended questions, how

does pornography impact your

relationship? Instead of asking them is,

does what problems does pornography

cause? We end up with very different

answers. The most common response in

this sample by a very large margin was

that pornography had no negative impacts

on the pornography users, their partners

or their relationships. So the most

common answer, right? And this is a a s

this is asking 430 people by the way. Okay.

Okay.

Um so many scholars may be surprised and

dismissive of the reports of positive

perceived effects of pornography use as

it has been strongly asserted that

pornography limits rather than

liberalizes sexuality. Such assertions

have their roots in long-standing

radical feminist assumptions that

pornography privileges male sexual

pleasure, denies female agency, and

degrades women. Okay. Um,

so several positive perceived effects

uncovered in this study correspond to

known clinical benefits of pornography

use, including several benefits that

have been established in experimental

studies involving women, such as

increased sexual arousal and interest. Okay.

Okay. um

the acquisition or imitation of

pleasurable sexual behaviors and the

reduction of sexual anxiety.

Right? We uh we are pro particularly

intrigued by the prominent theme

concerning p pornography's association

with sexual communication.

We found that many people expressed how

using pornography made communication

easier and such responses frequently

mentioned learning about each other

through sexual self-disclosures of likes

and dislikes as well as increased

perceived closeness and intimacy that

accompanied such communications.

Okay, so this is very interesting. Now,

we're going to present a lot more nuance

than this. Okay. So the first thing to

understand, right, we're going to recap

for a bit, is that a lot of the studies,

so there were there's this kind of idea

from radical feminist views that

pornography is subjugating to women and

things like that. And I think there's a

fair amount of evidence for that.

There's a lot of abuse that happens in

the production of pornography. Um, I I

don't think that those arguments are

wrong by any means. These authors, I think,

think,

re I think they draw a conclusion. So,

like they have this sentence over here

that I don't agree with. Um, so here's

something spicy. I left it out. In light

of such empirical evidence, continuing

claims that pornography typically limits

sexual expression, especially for women,

are dubious at best. So, they sort of

make this conclusion. I don't know if

that's a fair conclusion.

But the key thing here is that if you

ask people how pornography messes up

your relationship, and it does

negatively impact relationships. We'll

get to that. That's the key point. But

on the whole, if you ask 430 people who

do not have problems and who do not have

a problem, you just ask them how does

pornography affect your relationship.

The most common answer is that it

doesn't cause a negative impact and that

there are a lot of really interesting

that things that come up which are like

it enhances communication. It gives

people ideas, it gives people an option

to to explore, um it helps them

understand their partner, it increases

sexual intimacy, which is weird, right?

That's not the narrative that we hear a lot.

lot.

So this is the first thing is that it

doesn't necessarily harm relationships.

In fact, it appears sometimes quite the opposite.

opposite.

Um so here's a a study looking

specifically at women. So women in

relationships and their pornography use

a systematic review and thematic

synthesis. So shared use of pornography

with partners provided variety in sexual

activities could aid in communication

about sexual issues and helped improve intimacy.

intimacy.

Pornography use can help some women feel

sexually empowered, relaxed, and better

able to enjoy their sexual lives. Right.

So we're not going to go into Let me

I don't know why it's over there. Okay.

Just make sure. Yeah. I don't think

there's something else I want to pull

out of this.

Oh no. See?

Okay. So, let let's take a look at this

in more detail. Um,

so here's here's some so generally

speaking, women appear to find

pornography on average to be helpful.

But there is some more concerning

evidence. So among women, however, there

is a negative association between

discontinuing pornography use and

divorce. Of those women who continue to

watch porn during both surveys, 18% are

predicted to be divorced at time two,

compared to only 6% of those who stopped

viewing porn in between the two surveys.

Overall, these figures suggest that

women who watch pornography get divorced

at higher rates than men who watch

pornography. So, this is a bit of data

that seems to imply that women who

continue to watch pornography after they

enter a relationship have a higher rate

of breaking up.

Um, so and and some of these concerns

about pornography in the relationship

are valid, right? So nearly one-third of

engaged or and married women report that

they view pornography as a form of

marital infidelity. So there are

actually like there's like there are

absolutely subpockets

or pockets of

there are absolutely pockets of people

who find pornography use problematic in

relationships and there is some evidence

that it leads to higher rates of breakup and

and

um divorce and a third of women find it

to be a sign of marital infidelity.

Okay, I'm going to just check in with

y'all for a second. Um,

Um,

how do y'all feel about

the pace of the data? Are y'all able to understand?

understand?

Do you all want me to slow down, speed

up? What do y'all want me to do?

It's great. Okay, great. Okay, awesome.

We're going to keep going. Okay, so the

key thing here, so I want to stop for a

second and just talk about this. Okay.

So the key thing here is that if we look

on if we if we don't ask biased

questions, it seems like pornography can

be used in a healthy way that even women

find uh I I don't know if I can say the

majority of women, but there is a solid

amount of evidence that many women find

pornography use in relationships and men

in relationships as non- negative

things. In fact, it can enhance

communication and intimacy and lead to

things like exploration. But there are

there is evidence that even though

people feel like it can be good, there

is an increased risk of breakup and

divorce that a third of women consider

it to be some form of infidelity. Right?

So this is where I think we're kind of

getting into like why we want to talk

about this today. How do we tell the

difference? Right? So how what is the

difference between a relationship where

we watch pornography, it enhances

communication and intimacy and in

another relationship where we use

pornography and it increases the risk of

divorce. It is not the pornography itself.

itself.

It is something going on within the

relationship or within the person that

makes it problematic or positive. So,

there is a way to use pornography in

your own life where it doesn't harm you,

potentially even helps things. There is

a way to use pornography in your

relationships where it doesn't harm you,

potentially helps the relationship. And

there are ways that you can use

pornography that seem to cause problems.

Okay? So, let's get into why that is. Um

so now let's talk about

pornography consumption and satisfaction

a meta analysis.

Okay so this is looking at the

relationship between pornography

consumption and satisfaction.

So first that satisfaction is a

subjective state influenced by

comparisons. Okay.

Um I got to add some context. So in

early papers, authors primarily

hypothesized that pornog pornography had

detrimental effects on satisfaction.

I.e. if you watch pornography, it's

going to ruin sex for you. Right? This

first that satisfaction is a subjective

state influenced by comparisons to

others and their experiences. So

basically people assumed that

pornography would have a detrimental

effect on your satisfaction. And the

reason is because if you watch porn, you

have all these unrealistic expectations

of what sex looks like and stuff like

that. And then when you engage in the

real thing, the tits are not huge, the

penises are not huge, not everything is

huge and bouncy and super high defaf and

colorful and whatever, right? And so

therefore, you will feel less satisfied

than the real thing. Second, that

pornograph pornographic actors are more

sexually attracted and skilled than most

consumers and their partners and the

gratifications from sex depicted in

pornography exceed the gratifications

that most consumers experience in their

lives. Right? So the gratification that

is portrayed in pornography with all the

yelling and the screaming and the

wriggling and the shaking and the and

the moaning and the whatever is like so

big and like you know the gallons and

gallons of bodily fluids that are

expressed. Real life just isn't like

that. You know, penis is like 4 in. The

sexual act on average lasts 3 to seven

minutes. 50% of women prefer that it be

done within 10 to 15 minutes.

And so like if there's this like larger

than-l life kind of representation, you

compare it to the real thing, you will

feel inferior. Okay.

Um in recent papers, however, it has

become common for authors to reason that

pornography may enhance the satisfaction

of consumers. Okay.

So uh for example in a series of studies

Hald and colleagues found that when

queried about how pornography has

impacted them consumers report that

their use has increased their

satisfaction with their sexual

knowledge, outlook, efficacy, skill,

relations, experiences, and even their

life in general. Like what?

If you ask people like how does porn

affect your life? They're like yeah it

makes me better at life in general. It

makes me more effective. I'm learning

some secret jutsus from the porn hub.

Um, people who consume pornography more

frequently and for longer dur durations

are especially likely to perceive such

positive impacts. What?

So people who watch more porn and watch

porn longer are more likely to say that

it increases their their sexual

knowledge, their outlook, their

efficacy, their skill,

their relations.

Yeah, I watch porn for an hour three

times a week. It really enhances my relationships

relationships

and it really improves my life. Like

what? Okay. Um,

Um,

right. So, this is like really strange.

Let me see if Let me just make sure

there's not other stuff here that I want

to highlight.

Okay. I think that's this paper. Okay, great.

great.

So, this is strange, right? This is not

the bill of sale. Like, this is not what

we were sold.

And so, is it really that bad?

because there's all these kinds of

communities, right, about um you know,

like nofap and things like that. So,

like let's try to dig into y'all curious

about this. Do y'all want to like um

y'all want to go over more research and

dive into what's going on or y'all want

to take a look at more posts? What do

y'all think? Okay, let me just check in.

Okay, these studies are fake and biased. Okay,

we'll we'll keep going. Okay. All right.

All right.

Next. The highs and lows of pornography

use. Does motivation affect users life

satisfaction? So now this is important.

So if you look at some studies on

pornography, they show that as you use

pornography, your life satisfaction goes

down. You have depressive effects. We're

going to get to those studies in more

detail in a second. Now, this is a

really cool study because this is a

study that's trying to figure out for

the people who have highs from

pornography and people who have lows

from pornography, what's the difference?

If it improves your life satisfaction or

makes your life satisfaction worse, what

is the difference? So, now we're getting

to a more nuanced understanding of

pornography. The first of which is that

porn hold on a second. Wait for the

garage to close. Okay.

more like people are Yeah. So, we'll

we'll get to So, they talk about bias here.

here.

Let me see if I can find this. Okay,

Okay,

let's take a look at this. Right. So

y'all were saying, "But what if they're biased?"

biased?" Oh.

Oh.

So, however, these authors of these

studies caution that these

self-perceived effects may also be due

to rationalization, justification, and

biased optimism. It is common for people

to rationalize and justify and to

perceive themselves as personally less

susceptible to any negative impacts of

the behaviors that provide them with

immediate and powerful rewards. Right?

So, great job, chat. you all pointed

out, hey, like maybe it really doesn't

have these effects. Maybe people are

wrong. They're biased. They're not going

to answer honestly. And that's a

consideration in the research for sure. Okay.

Okay.

So, now let's look at the highs and lows

of pornography use because there are but

the not the counterargument, but an

additional data point to consider is

that some studies show that it causes

problems and some studies show that it

doesn't cause problems. So now this

study is trying to figure out does

motivation affect users life

satisfaction. This is an important

study. We're going to pause for a

second. Okay. So

we know that porn harms some people

seems to help some people. So now the

question is what's the difference? Is

the reason that you use pornography is

your motivation towards pornography does

that influence whether it helps your

life or harms your life? Okay, really

cool question.

Participants with problematic

pornography use felt less satisfied with

Okay. Participants with problematic

pornography use felt less satisfied with

their life, were less self-aware, and

experienced lower levels of perceived

choice than both the no symptom and few

symptom groups. Okay.

Um, so this is a a study that's looking

at problematic pornography use versus

non-proatic pornography use and what's

the difference.

So let's keep going. I think there's

more stuff in here. Okay. Studies

focused on the effect of uh problematic

use on sexual well-being and satisfac or

no pornography use on sexual well-being

and satisfaction suggested that although

it can have positive effects on one's

attitude, sexual well-being and sexual

satisfaction when it becomes

problematic, it is often associated with

negative outcomes on the affformentioned

variables. So this is important to

understand. There is a camp of people

for whom it is okay. And if we shift

into problematic use, all of the things

that pornography enhances, it now starts

to damage,

right? So like pornography use is a

little bit like

I'd almost say it's like let's like

consider drinking water.

So drinking water is generally speaking

healthy for you. But if you cross over

into hyponetriia

which is consuming too much water and

your sodium balance drops suddenly water

which helped you can start to now cause

weird swelling in your brain and things

like that. So there is a critical point

at which pornography becomes problematic

and the moment it becomes problematic

all the things that it used to help in

your life it is now hurting. Okay,

Okay,

let's see if we can figure out why. Okay.

Okay. So, now let's look at the

discussion. Our results suggest that

compared to nonproat problematic

pornography users, individuals with pro

problematic pornography use experience

less self-awareness and have a lesser

sense of choice. specifically that less

autonomous and more exttrinsic

motivations are associated with higher

levels of problematic pornography use.

Okay. So, people who are not very

self-aware and feel like they're out of

control in life, people who are driven

more by extrinsic motivations,

people who feel like they they are not

autonomous with their pornography use,

those are the the signs of problematic

pornography use. Now, this is where

things become a little bit tricky

because if I'm addicted to porn, does

that lead to a lack of autonomy or does

a lack of autonomy lead to problematic

pornography use? Do you all understand

that? It's like maybe I feel out of

control, which is why I feel out of

control, like I can't I'm addicted to

porn. I It makes me out of control.

Is it the chicken or the egg?

Based on current outcomes, we can posit

that individuals who experience negative

symptoms associated with pornography use

are less self-determined and autonomous

in their motivation and are less

satisfied with their life. Okay, so this

is like sort of seems obvious, right?

Where like okay, so if you have negative

symptoms with pornography use, you're

going to be less satisfied, less deter,

less self-determination, less autonomy,

and less satisfied with your life. Okay,

now we get to the motherload and then we

tie it together. Okay,

Okay,

high frequency pornography use may not

always be problematic. Okay, so this is

a really interesting study

that looks at the frequency of

pornography use and compares

highfrequency pornography use. This is

where the acronyms get a little bit

tricky, but I'll help you all out. Okay.

So, they basically look at like how

often you use porn and how problematic

it is. And what they discover is that

frequency of use doesn't necessarily

correlate with problematic use. So, even

if you watch a lot, it's not necessarily bad.

bad.

And they look at all kinds of things.

They look at impulsivity,

compulsivity, ADHD. It's a really great study.

Okay, here we go.

So first thing really fascinating ADHD

symptoms did not distinguish between

nonproatic highfrequency use i.e. people

who watch a lot of porn but doesn't

affect them negatively and problematic

highfrequency use. So both both

categories are watching a lot

but ADHD doesn't seem to affect whether

it's problematic or not. What ADHD does

do is seems to correlate with higher

levels of usage but not necessarily

problematic usage despite previous

results reporting a positive association

between ADHD and problematic use. So I

think this is really important. Okay.

Previous studies have showed that ADHD

correlates with problematic pornography

usage. But if you separate what it

probably correlates with is more

pornography usage but not necessarily

problematic. So it increases the total

amount of porn consumed, not necessarily

making it harmful. Okay.

Um the latter finding is consistent with

the criteria for hypersexuality dis

disorder that include engaging in

behaviors such as pornography viewing to

escape from or cope with negative mood

states. regarding stress, well-being,

and depression domains. Measures of

perceived stress, mindfulness, and

satisfaction with one's life did not

differentiate between non-promatic

highfrequency use and problematic high

frequency use. So, this is crazy.

So stress, well-being and depression

domains, measures of perceived stress,

mindfulness or satisfaction with one's

life do not appear to differentiate

people who are healthy gooners from

people who are unhealthy Gooners. Okay.

According to the present results,

individuals having lower levels of

self-esteem were more likely to belong

to the problematic highfrequency use. So

low self-esteem seems to be critical.

Not stress, not how mindful you are. So

you can be like meditating a lot, but if

you still have low self-esteem, now

we're really getting somewhere. If you

use pornography to deal with cope with

negative mood states, that's a problem.

Not directly. So this is this is kind of

tricky. Okay, so I'm going to explain this.

this.

You may say, but hold on a second, Dr.

K. Like let's look at this sentence and

this sentence. This sentence says

depression is not correlated with

problematic use. This sentence right

here. And this sentence says

escaping from negative behav uh negative

mood states is associated with

problematic use. Okay? So let's talk

about this.

So it's not whether you're depressed or not.

not.

It is how you manage those feelings of

depression. Do you all understand the

So depression or well-being or life

satisfaction aren't directly correlated.

It is the way in which you use the

pornog. It's not the feelings themselves

that cause the pornography problems. It

is the way that you use the pornography

in relation to the feelings. So there

are a lot of people who are depressed

who watch porn but don't use it as a

coping mechanism.

They may be in relationships where it

actually enhances their sexual intimacy

and their feeling of connection. So it

is not the presence or absence of

depression. It is the it is how the

pornography combines with the feelings

of depression. Key thing though is that

it seems like self-esteem as a variable

is correlated with with problematic use.

Okay. So if you feel bad about yourself

and you watch pornography that is

probably a problem.

Okay. This is all correlational data. Um,

Um,

so among men who viewed pornography and

thought about it as wrong, relatively

low frequencies of pornography viewing

were associated with depressive

symptoms. So this is also really interesting.

interesting.

The way you view pornography, issues of

moral inongruence and religious views,

th that's what causes the problem.

So, it's not how much you watch. If I

think watching pornography is wrong, if

I'm in a relationship where I my partner

thinks watching pornography is moral infidelity,

infidelity,

then if I watch pornography, then it

causes problems. It is my attitude

towards pornography plus a small amount

of usage that causes the problem. Not

the pornography itself.

There is something within my mind that

when combined with pornography can make

it healthy for me or unhealthy for me. Okay.

Okay.

Oh my god. Okay. Let me just make sure

this is the last thing and then we'll

explain. Okay. So overall basic

psychological needs frustration

contribute importantly to illness and

impairment. Individuals who feel they

cannot develop mutual meaningful social

relationships because they are hindered

in them may find pornography is an easy

way to feel connected to someone

especially in the case of feeling that

they are hindered in their romantic

relationships. This process could result

in a vicious cycle of pro problematic

pornography use in which the individual

cannot develop meaningful personal

relationships, thus consuming more

pornographic materials, which in turn

could result in even fewer social interactions.

interactions.

Furthermore, individuals who feel

ineffective in their environment and

feel that they are thwarted in

fulfilling their capacities might turn

to pornography is a tool to reduce their

negative feelings in emotions deriving

from competence frustration such as in

the case of depression.

Okay. Non-proatic highfrequency users

and problematic highfrequency user

groups. Competence and relatedness

frustration differentiated the classes.

Okay. So, I'm going to pause for a

second. Did y'all understand what that

meant? And if not, now we're going to

Did y'all get that? What did y'all

understand from that? That's kind of the

Okay, good. Great. I think it means I

can go on. Okay.

Okay.

So, let's understand this. Okay. going

to tie it together. So,

So,

The answer is it depends.

Okay. So, the first thing that's really

is not directly correlated with bad or good.

good.

So you can watch a ton of porn doesn't

necessarily mean that it's harmful. That

there are cases where it enhances intimacy,

intimacy, satisfaction.

satisfaction.

It's like, yeah, like I got a promotion.

I went home and I watched porn for a

while. Like I'm living the life. It's

great, dude. It's great.

this is it's not bad and then this is

it's bad. So let's understand what makes

it bad.

Okay. So we know that pornography is

associated with loneliness.

Pornography can cause relationship

problems and we'll talk about

relationship problems in a second.

But here's the key thing.

So this issue I want to kind of pull

this up because this is like it's

nuanced. It's important. Okay.

Basic psychological needs frustration.

This is the problem. This is the nuts

and bolts.

This is really important to understand.

Problematic pornography use does not depend

depend

on whether your needs are satisfied or

not. So psychological needs frustration

comes from something called

self-determination theory. And what they

basically say is that human beings

Psychological frustration does not come

from whether this box is filled in or not.

not.

Okay, you can be satisfied with an empty

box or not satisfied. You're not

satisfied, but this doesn't cause the

problem. You can have have an empty box

and be fine. What causes the problem is

when I try to fill in the box and it

doesn't work.

So when I make an attempt and I am rebuffed,

that is what causes the problem.

So people who try to engage in

relationships and psychological

determination theory has a couple of uh

components. Okay. The first is autonomy.

and my attempts to relate slashconnect

slashconnect

with others

are rebuffed.

This is really important to understand.

In both cases, you can be lonely or not lonely.

lonely.

Like it doesn't matter. It's not the

loneliness. It is not the need being

satisfied or not satisfied that causes

the problem. You can be hungry. What

increases the risk of social uh

problematic pornography use is when I

try to connect to another human being

and I am rejected.

When I have no purpose or direct no when

I try to exert a direction in life. When

I try to exert control, when I try to do

a good job and it doesn't work out, that

is what leads to problematic pornography

use. A sense of lack of autonomy

after trying.

A sense of l This is not loneliness. No,

after trying.

This is what leads to problematic

pornographies. It isn't the loneliness itself.

itself.

And this is when we get into this

vicious cycle.

Okay. Individuals who cannot fe who feel

that they cannot develop mutual

meaningful social relationships because

they are hindered in them may find

pornography an easy way to feel

connected to someone.

This process could result in a vicious

cycle of problematic pornography use in

which the individual cannot develop

meaningful personal relationships, thus

consuming more pornographic materials,

which in turn could result in fewer

social interactions.

Furthermore, individuals who feel

ineffective in their environment and

feel they are thwarted in fulfilling

their capacities may turn to pornography

is a tool to reduce their negative

feelings and emotions

deriving from competence frustration

such as in the case of depression.

So this is important.

It's not just

that they are lonely. It's that they try

to connect and then they get rejected.

And then the other thing that happens is

right? And this could be depression,

then they turn to porn

And so what makes pornography use

problematic is the intersectionality of

who you are, how you view it, the way

that you use it, but also, this is

really important, the way that you are

in the outside world, do I have low

self-esteem? Did I try to connect with

other people and I get rejected?

And this is, I think, why we're seeing

an epidemic of pornography use. It's not

about the dopamine. It's not about the

amygdala. It's not about the emotions.

It is about an attempt to connect to

other people. It is about an attempt to

create direction in your life. It is

about an attempt to exert competency.

that's when pornography becomes a

problem. It is those feelings

combined with the unhealthy coping

mechanisms, right? That's what creates

So if you are you it's not the

pornography itself, right? So if you

want to use pornography in a healthy

way, this is where the first thing that

we have to do is work on self-esteem.

The second thing we have to do is focus

on autonomy.

The third thing we have to do is focus

on competence and exerting competence.

It's not just being competent.

It is being able to let that competence

find a manifestation in the real world.

It is about being able to control the

direction of your life.

And here's the key thing, relatedness.

with other people

and then what we can do is get to the

standard pornography addiction stuff,

But I want y'all to understand this.

this is not just doing this stuff. So

this is why I think everyone struggles

with with pornography addiction because

they focus on these things and not these things.

things.

Now there are a couple of other nuances

here. The first is that these are perceptions.

perceptions.

Psychological frustration remember is

not about the reality of whether you are

alone or not alone. This is so weird.

You can be alone and not be

psychologically frustrated. The

psychological frustration is what causes

the damage, not the loneliness.

It is the attempt to connect where you

get rejected. That is what causes the

problem. But that too is a perception.

So this is the crazy thing, right? So a

lot of people think like you fall into

this trap which is like very real

of getting trapped in an isolated way

where you watch a bunch of porn, it's

hard for you to socialize and then you

kind of get trapped in the cycle. But

this is the crazy thing.

It's not about you actually being alone.

It's about your perception when you go

out into the world.

Do you get rejected? Yeah.

But some people get rejected and will

try again.

Some people will even

like when they get rejected, they kind

of won't take it personally, right?

There's a there's a weird like

psychological component where if you ask

someone out on a date and they say no,

that doesn't mean that you're a loser,

that means maybe they're not interested

in dating. Maybe they're not attracted to your gender. So, when I work with

to your gender. So, when I work with people who are addicted to pornography,

people who are addicted to pornography, what I find is they fill in the gaps of

what I find is they fill in the gaps of their real rejections with a lot of

their real rejections with a lot of psychological frustration.

And it's and this is what makes it so hard. It's not that the rejection isn't

hard. It's not that the rejection isn't real,

real, but it is not the rejection or it's not

but it is not the rejection or it's not that the loneliness is not real. The

that the loneliness is not real. The loneliness is real, but the loneliness

loneliness is real, but the loneliness is not the problem. It is the attempt to

is not the problem. It is the attempt to connect followed by the rejection.

connect followed by the rejection. And this is where this is the the really

And this is where this is the the really like good and bad thing. The good thing

like good and bad thing. The good thing is that part of this is in your

is that part of this is in your perception, not all of it. So there's a

perception, not all of it. So there's a reality here, but it is the way that you

reality here, but it is the way that you connect with that reality. It is the way

connect with that reality. It is the way that you interpret that reality that is

that you interpret that reality that is what is really in your control.

what is really in your control. Right? So this is where like oftenimes

Right? So this is where like oftenimes people will get upset with because Dr. K

people will get upset with because Dr. K doesn't understand the reality of my

doesn't understand the reality of my situation. I'm not saying that there

situation. I'm not saying that there isn't a loneliness epidemic. There is a

isn't a loneliness epidemic. There is a loneliness epidemic. The issue is in a

loneliness epidemic. The issue is in a loneliness epidemic, if you were

loneliness epidemic, if you were addicted to porn, what can you do?

And like like we try to work on the system here

like we try to work on the system here at healthy gamer like you know we went

at healthy gamer like you know we went to Capitol Hill last year or earlier

to Capitol Hill last year or earlier this year time is a blur

and like tried to increase funding for the addiction workforce by $2 billion.

the addiction workforce by $2 billion. So we tried to do things on a systems

So we tried to do things on a systems level right we try to do things with the

level right we try to do things with the United Nations World Health Organization

United Nations World Health Organization United States government whatever we we

United States government whatever we we like work on those angles. So we're

like work on those angles. So we're trying to fix the problem systemically.

trying to fix the problem systemically. Right? Because the system sucks. But if

Right? Because the system sucks. But if you're someone who's struggling,

you're someone who's struggling, you've got two choices. Wait for the

you've got two choices. Wait for the system to get better

system to get better or control what you can in URL. And this

or control what you can in URL. And this is what makes it so hard because we're

is what makes it so hard because we're so focused on loneliness. We're so

so focused on loneliness. We're so focused on nofap and cutting back our

focused on nofap and cutting back our usage. This is the reason why despite

usage. This is the reason why despite the fact that people are doing all of

the fact that people are doing all of this stuff, it's not working.

this stuff, it's not working. On a global scale, it may work for some

On a global scale, it may work for some people, but the problem is still

people, but the problem is still increasing. And the reason it's

increasing. And the reason it's increasing is because we don't

increasing is because we don't understand really what the problem is.

understand really what the problem is. So many people I work with who are

So many people I work with who are struggling with pornography spend all of

struggling with pornography spend all of their cognitive energy in trying to

their cognitive energy in trying to watch less and then they relapse.

watch less and then they relapse. Whereas that's not where the problem is.

Whereas that's not where the problem is. So you're spending all of your energy

So you're spending all of your energy digging a hole where there is no water

digging a hole where there is no water for your well. So you can dig as much as

for your well. So you can dig as much as you want to. you're cognitively

you want to. you're cognitively exhausted. It doesn't even work.

There are all these perceptions about, you know, what what it does to your

you know, what what it does to your relationships. Those are it does not

relationships. Those are it does not have a effect on the relationship. The

have a effect on the relationship. The effect it has on your relationship

effect it has on your relationship depends on who you are, depends on your

depends on who you are, depends on your partner, who your partner is, and how

partner, who your partner is, and how y'all navigate that. We'll get to that

y'all navigate that. We'll get to that in a minute.

in a minute. So, if you're struggling with porn,

So, if you're struggling with porn, focus on building a life. Focus on

focus on building a life. Focus on becoming autonomous, becoming competent

becoming autonomous, becoming competent because those are the psychological

because those are the psychological vulnerabilities that when you feel that

vulnerabilities that when you feel that way and you feel rejected, then you feel

way and you feel rejected, then you feel bad on the inside, then you turn to the

bad on the inside, then you turn to the porn. That's what creates the cycle.

porn. That's what creates the cycle. And this is why, you know,

And this is why, you know, when we like, so we developed a coaching

when we like, so we developed a coaching program specifically to target

program specifically to target technology, the the technological world

technology, the the technological world we live in. And that's why the northstar

we live in. And that's why the northstar that we have, it's not a clinical

that we have, it's not a clinical program.

program. The reason it's not a clinical problem

The reason it's not a clinical problem because it's the goal isn't depression

because it's the goal isn't depression or anxiety. Our our north star is life

or anxiety. Our our north star is life purpose.

The reason we built it that way is because if you can develop a purpose in

because if you can develop a purpose in your life, if you can become autonomous

your life, if you can become autonomous and competent and start to build a life,

and competent and start to build a life, then the addiction will melt away. You

then the addiction will melt away. You still have to do some behavioral stuff

still have to do some behavioral stuff around it, but the fuel for it is gone.

around it, but the fuel for it is gone. And that's why when we put together

And that's why when we put together lectures like this, we're trying to

lectures like this, we're trying to explain to youall what the principles

explain to youall what the principles are so you can understand where to

are so you can understand where to target your energy.

Okay. Now let's talk about pornography and

Now let's talk about pornography and relationships.

relationships. So pornography isn't good or bad for

So pornography isn't good or bad for relationships. Whether it is good for

relationships. Whether it is good for bad for relationships depends on the

bad for relationships depends on the people involved.

people involved. So, first thing that makes pornography

So, first thing that makes pornography harmful in relationships is a moral

harmful in relationships is a moral stance towards it. The moment that you

stance towards it. The moment that you moralize it, doesn't matter if it's the

moralize it, doesn't matter if it's the man, doesn't matter if it's a woman,

man, doesn't matter if it's a woman, doesn't matter if you're gay, doesn't

doesn't matter if you're gay, doesn't matter if you're straight, doesn't

matter if you're straight, doesn't matter.

matter. Someone who takes a moral view of

Someone who takes a moral view of pornography,

pornography, presuming there is disharmony,

presuming there is disharmony, uh, someone who takes a moral view, I

uh, someone who takes a moral view, I mean, it's only a problem if you use

mean, it's only a problem if you use pornography and you think it's bad or if

pornography and you think it's bad or if y'all are in disagreement. So there are

y'all are in disagreement. So there are cases where if both people are happily

cases where if both people are happily like married or whatever and they both

like married or whatever and they both think that pornography is a sin of the

think that pornography is a sin of the devil and no one ever touches

devil and no one ever touches pornography, I imagine that they're

pornography, I imagine that they're fine.

fine. But the problem isn't the usage. It is

But the problem isn't the usage. It is the view towards the usage.

the view towards the usage. So if you view it as moral infidelity,

So if you view it as moral infidelity, it will cause problems in your

it will cause problems in your relationship and likely lead to an

relationship and likely lead to an increase in divorce.

The other cool thing is that couples who use pornography

couples who use pornography find that it is like really helpful if

find that it is like really helpful if you can approach it in the right way.

you can approach it in the right way. The first thing is that it allows for

The first thing is that it allows for people to explore.

people to explore. So like literally what this looks like,

So like literally what this looks like, I've had patients who've done this. You

I've had patients who've done this. You know, you watch some pornography and you

know, you watch some pornography and you get excited about something and you're

get excited about something and you're like, "Hey, can we try this?"

Because I don't know if this makes sense, but do you all know how awkward

sense, but do you all know how awkward it is

it is to try to tell

to try to tell your partner about your fetishes? Like

your partner about your fetishes? Like just how vulnerable you have to be, how

just how vulnerable you have to be, how scary it is, and then you like have to

scary it is, and then you like have to go into detail, right? Because like then

go into detail, right? Because like then you speak in like vagues like, "Hey, do

you speak in like vagues like, "Hey, do you ever think about doing other stuff?"

you ever think about doing other stuff?" And they're like, "What do you mean

And they're like, "What do you mean other stuff?" Like they're on their

other stuff?" Like they're on their guard. They're like, "I don't know. Put

guard. They're like, "I don't know. Put your something somewhere."

your something somewhere." I don't know. put your something

I don't know. put your something somewhere. And they're like, "Put my

somewhere. And they're like, "Put my something somewhere. What does that

something somewhere. What does that mean? What do you want me to put where?"

mean? What do you want me to put where?" Right? It's so awkward.

Right? It's so awkward. So the amount of communication skill

So the amount of communication skill that you need is like really really

that you need is like really really high.

So instead, what people will use is they'll watch pornography and be like,

they'll watch pornography and be like, "Hey, should we try this?" And then

"Hey, should we try this?" And then there's an experimentation.

there's an experimentation. And in order to experiment it actually

And in order to experiment it actually like you have to figure out a system of

like you have to figure out a system of communication where the pornography can

communication where the pornography can do some some basic foundation for you

do some some basic foundation for you some scaffolding. So then you start

some scaffolding. So then you start communicating about around it. Then you

communicating about around it. Then you can kind of ask your partner what do you

can kind of ask your partner what do you like about it? What excites you about

like about it? What excites you about this? Hey can we try this? And then it

this? Hey can we try this? And then it can move in the right direction.

can move in the right direction. I think the big a huge mistake that a

I think the big a huge mistake that a lot of people make if y'all are like

lot of people make if y'all are like gooners listening to this. This happens

gooners listening to this. This happens way too often where like usually I don't

way too often where like usually I don't know if it's just because the majority

know if it's just because the majority of my patients who I talk with about

of my patients who I talk with about pornography are dudes but you know

pornography are dudes but you know they'll be like they will try to turn

they'll be like they will try to turn their relationship into their sexual

their relationship into their sexual fantasy that is harmful IMO where it's

fantasy that is harmful IMO where it's like oh yeah like can you do this and do

like oh yeah like can you do this and do this and do this I want you to become

this and do this I want you to become what I see in the pornography that I

what I see in the pornography that I think is bad

think is bad right because then you're not with your

right because then you're not with your partner partner,

partner partner, you are trying to turn your partner into

you are trying to turn your partner into a fantasy.

a fantasy. So, I I find that often times like dudes

So, I I find that often times like dudes who are like, "Yeah, like let's do this

who are like, "Yeah, like let's do this and like let's watch this." They're very

and like let's watch this." They're very self-centered with their approach.

self-centered with their approach. They're not considering their partner's

They're not considering their partner's feelings. It's not an exploration or

feelings. It's not an exploration or experimentation together. That's the key

experimentation together. That's the key thing.

thing. Experimentation means not having an end

Experimentation means not having an end goal in mind. That means figuring it out

goal in mind. That means figuring it out together, relying on communication.

together, relying on communication. So, if y'all are like dudes out there

So, if y'all are like dudes out there and you're like, "Oh, Dr. K says this

and you're like, "Oh, Dr. K says this will enhance our relationships. Let's

will enhance our relationships. Let's watch this porn and I want you to do

watch this porn and I want you to do this to my body." No, that's bad.

this to my body." No, that's bad. Okay. It's It's a way to explore.

Okay. It's It's a way to explore. It's a way to connect. It can be anyway.

It's a way to connect. It can be anyway. And the more that we make it about our

And the more that we make it about our fantasies, the less um you know, the

fantasies, the less um you know, the less

less connected we make it, the more harmful

connected we make it, the more harmful it's going to be. And if you do have,

it's going to be. And if you do have, this is the other thing that makes

this is the other thing that makes pornography harmful is having a

pornography harmful is having a moralistic attitude towards it in

moralistic attitude towards it in relationships and in your personal life.

relationships and in your personal life. So if you view yourself as a pornography

So if you view yourself as a pornography addict and you say pornography is bad

addict and you say pornography is bad and it's a sin of the devil and things

and it's a sin of the devil and things like that, that's going to make things

like that, that's going to make things worse, not better. So that's where like

worse, not better. So that's where like practice a little bit of

practice a little bit of self-compassion. It's not if you have a

self-compassion. It's not if you have a goal of like wanting to reduce your

goal of like wanting to reduce your pornography. You just go for it.

pornography. You just go for it. But you don't need to beat yourself up

But you don't need to beat yourself up in the process,

in the process, right? You can say, "Hey, I want to live

right? You can say, "Hey, I want to live a life that has less pornography or no

a life that has less pornography or no pornography. I don't think it's really

pornography. I don't think it's really healthy for me. It's a it's a process.

healthy for me. It's a it's a process. It's a journey. I'm going to start

It's a journey. I'm going to start working on it, but it's not going to be

working on it, but it's not going to be easy."

So someone's asking why is pornography not banned. I think the reason it's not

not banned. I think the reason it's not banned is because it doesn't clearly

banned is because it doesn't clearly have a uniformly harmful effect

have a uniformly harmful effect because we don't ban things that people

because we don't ban things that people like that hurt us unless they are all

like that hurt us unless they are all damaging. Right? So we have alcohol, we

damaging. Right? So we have alcohol, we have nicotine, we have all kinds of

have nicotine, we have all kinds of addictions, video games, gambling.

We have all kinds of harmful stuff that we allow because people like it and it

we allow because people like it and it doesn't hurt everybody. The stuff that

doesn't hurt everybody. The stuff that is very very very harmful is usually

is very very very harmful is usually what we ban.

what we ban. Okay.

Yeah. And there's a there's a lot of money in it.

money in it. So,

So, um,

so uh, let's do Do you all want to do Okay, let me just look at one other

Okay, let me just look at one other post. Okay, Nofap opened my eyes. It's

post. Okay, Nofap opened my eyes. It's not just about urges, it's about

not just about urges, it's about respect. So let's look at a post and now

respect. So let's look at a post and now that we know more of the science, let's

that we know more of the science, let's try to take a look at a post and see

try to take a look at a post and see where we kind of how we can analyze

where we kind of how we can analyze this. Okay, this is not hate, not red

this. Okay, this is not hate, not red pill, not misogyny. It's a wakeup call

pill, not misogyny. It's a wakeup call for men to stop giving away our energy,

for men to stop giving away our energy, stop chasing fake validation, and start

stop chasing fake validation, and start building real self-respect. I joined

building real self-respect. I joined Nofap to stop wasting time on urges. But

Nofap to stop wasting time on urges. But what I realized in just a few clean days

what I realized in just a few clean days is this. The problem goes way deeper.

is this. The problem goes way deeper. Modern dating feels broken because we

Modern dating feels broken because we helped to break it. Main men gave out

helped to break it. Main men gave out likes, validation, sing, and free

likes, validation, sing, and free attention to women who don't even value

attention to women who don't even value them. Even average girls have 10,000

them. Even average girls have 10,000 plus followers and 100 thirsty DMs. Not

plus followers and 100 thirsty DMs. Not because they've earned it. I'm not quite

because they've earned it. I'm not quite sure what it means to earn it, but

sure what it means to earn it, but because we've enabled it. Threes, ghost

because we've enabled it. Threes, ghost sevens, good men are invisible.

sevens, good men are invisible. Validation is the currency and we're

Validation is the currency and we're broke. No fap helps you wake up. When

broke. No fap helps you wake up. When you stop fapping and chasing your

you stop fapping and chasing your illusions, you start seeing how bad it's

illusions, you start seeing how bad it's gotten. Stop giving free validation to

gotten. Stop giving free validation to women who give you nothing back.

women who give you nothing back. Unfollow thirst first thirst traps.

Unfollow thirst first thirst traps. Build your values. Stop begging to be

Build your values. Stop begging to be seen. Say no to porn only fans and

seen. Say no to porn only fans and digital illusions. Remember,

digital illusions. Remember, self-respect is the first step to real

self-respect is the first step to real love. We as men must act together. One

love. We as men must act together. One guy doing noof fap isn't enough, but

guy doing noof fap isn't enough, but millions of us reclaiming our power that

millions of us reclaiming our power that wires the whole system. Share this,

wires the whole system. Share this, spread it, post it, post it, post it.

spread it, post it, post it, post it. Not for clout, for truth. Respect isn't

Not for clout, for truth. Respect isn't given to men who chase. It's earned by

given to men who chase. It's earned by men who grow.

men who grow. What do y'all think about this?

I this is what like I'm I'm I appreciate these responses.

these responses. So let's start with this, right? Like so

So let's start with this, right? Like so now let's go through our paradigm

now let's go through our paradigm and see if we can sus out what's going

and see if we can sus out what's going on here. So, this is going to be cool.

on here. So, this is going to be cool. What do you think this person thinks

What do you think this person thinks about their self-esteem?

about their self-esteem? Self-esteem is high or low?

This is good. Super mixed is great. So, I think this is really good. So, y'all

I think this is really good. So, y'all are saying super mixed and this is

are saying super mixed and this is exactly the problem is that people have

exactly the problem is that people have a sense of what the problem is, but they

a sense of what the problem is, but they don't really understand what the problem

don't really understand what the problem is. Okay. So, self-esteem is absolutely

is. Okay. So, self-esteem is absolutely in the pits. We need to teach ourselves

in the pits. We need to teach ourselves self-respect. We need to have

self-respect. We need to have self-respect. All of us need to have

self-respect. All of us need to have self-respect. Everyone in the no fap

self-respect. Everyone in the no fap community. Let's do self-respect

community. Let's do self-respect together, bros.

together, bros. It's not I don't respect myself. It's

It's not I don't respect myself. It's projecting out onto everybody else.

projecting out onto everybody else. How do you all feel about this person's

How do you all feel about this person's sense of autonomy? Do you think this

sense of autonomy? Do you think this person is in control of their life?

Right. Stop giving out free validation. Unfollow. Build your value. Stop begging

Unfollow. Build your value. Stop begging to be seen. What do y'all think about

to be seen. What do y'all think about this person's sense of autonomy? Whoa.

this person's sense of autonomy? Whoa. What do we think about their competence?

Right. So competence I think is kind of hard.

hard. Maybe they're competent, maybe they

Maybe they're competent, maybe they aren't.

Right. relatedness. How do you feel about their Yeah. So,

How do you feel about their Yeah. So, we'll leave a question mark there. How

we'll leave a question mark there. How do you feel about their capacity to

do you feel about their capacity to relate and connect to other human

relate and connect to other human beings?

beings? Do you think that they are

Do you think that they are psychologically

psychologically frustrated that they have a

frustrated that they have a psychological need that they try to get

psychological need that they try to get met that then gets rejected?

met that then gets rejected? Low. Here it is. Look at this.

Low. Here it is. Look at this. And I swear I didn't like find a post

And I swear I didn't like find a post that perfectly fits this model. The post

that perfectly fits this model. The post came first.

came first. Someone on our content team sent me this

Someone on our content team sent me this post and they're like, "What do you

post and they're like, "What do you think about this?" So we look at the

think about this?" So we look at the data and suddenly everything becomes

data and suddenly everything becomes clear.

clear. Right? So this is where they're t and

Right? So this is where they're t and here's the problem.

here's the problem. So here's where I think the problem is.

So here's where I think the problem is. Here's how we change it. Stop giving

Here's how we change it. Stop giving validation. Unfollow thirst traps. Build

validation. Unfollow thirst traps. Build your value, your mind, your income, your

your value, your mind, your income, your wealth. Stop begging to be seen. So I

wealth. Stop begging to be seen. So I think the problem with this is this is

think the problem with this is this is all in relation to the other person

all in relation to the other person except for this,

right? They think, and this is what I think the problem is. This is where all

think the problem is. This is where all the misogyny comes from.

the misogyny comes from. See, if you're addicted to pornography

See, if you're addicted to pornography or you're like in this alpha male kind

or you're like in this alpha male kind of thinking, it's not necessarily

of thinking, it's not necessarily misogyny. It's not necessarily hate, but

misogyny. It's not necessarily hate, but there's still the locust of power is

there's still the locust of power is still with the other person. So you

still with the other person. So you think like, oh, I am weak because I

think like, oh, I am weak because I simp. We all simp. We're all weak. If we

simp. We all simp. We're all weak. If we stop sing, then we will be strong

stop sing, then we will be strong automatically. That's not how it works.

automatically. That's not how it works. It is not the stopping of the sing that

It is not the stopping of the sing that makes you strong. It is the development

makes you strong. It is the development of strength that no longer makes you

of strength that no longer makes you need to simp. It's the other way around.

need to simp. It's the other way around. The answers have very I mean there's a

The answers have very I mean there's a behavioral component sure where like if

behavioral component sure where like if you're just doing this all the time it's

you're just doing this all the time it's hard but this should not be your focus.

hard but this should not be your focus. This is a great focus.

Build a life that is worth living. These behaviors will melt away.

behaviors will melt away. And this is the problem is if you say

And this is the problem is if you say stop giving free validation what's that

stop giving free validation what's that going to be driven by? It's going to be

going to be driven by? It's going to be driven by anger. Stop it. I hate you and

driven by anger. Stop it. I hate you and I hate myself.

I hate myself. You're giving into that emotion. You're

You're giving into that emotion. You're amplifying that emotion. The more you

amplifying that emotion. The more you amplify that emotion, the more the

amplify that emotion, the more the you're pouring gasoline onto a fire. So,

you're pouring gasoline onto a fire. So, we try to like hard knuckle ourselves.

we try to like hard knuckle ourselves. Like,

it can help. Certainly, it can get you started, but it's not the root of the

started, but it's not the root of the problem. Stopping to give someone

problem. Stopping to give someone validation will just turn you into a

validation will just turn you into a cold person. It's not actually filling

cold person. It's not actually filling the void. No one in here, nowhere in

the void. No one in here, nowhere in here is this person saying connect with

here is this person saying connect with another human being. Find a partner who

another human being. Find a partner who loves you,

right? They sort of talk about building your value. And I don't blame this

your value. And I don't blame this person. I don't think this person is bad

person. I don't think this person is bad or anything like that. I think this

or anything like that. I think this person is on their journey. They've

person is on their journey. They've discovered something. They're sharing it

discovered something. They're sharing it with someone. This is the beautiful

with someone. This is the beautiful thing about the internet is that we

thing about the internet is that we don't have to know all the answers.

don't have to know all the answers. We're all on a journey. We can figure

We're all on a journey. We can figure out a piece. It's kind of in the right

out a piece. It's kind of in the right direction. But do you all see how like

direction. But do you all see how like in the right direction can fall off very

in the right direction can fall off very quickly because of a couple of

quickly because of a couple of fundamentals?

Like if I dial your phone number and I mess up one digit by 10%, I end up in a

mess up one digit by 10%, I end up in a completely different place.

completely different place. So I think the problem that I see a lot

So I think the problem that I see a lot with pornography addiction today is that

with pornography addiction today is that you have to know all of it or as much of

you have to know all of it or as much of it as you can get. It doesn't work to

it as you can get. It doesn't work to just figure out one piece because then

just figure out one piece because then your solutions will be in the wrong

your solutions will be in the wrong direction.

direction. Stop giving validation. Ask yourself why

Stop giving validation. Ask yourself why you're giving validation

you're giving validation as just focus your energy not on

as just focus your energy not on resisting to give validation. Focus your

resisting to give validation. Focus your energy on building a life that is worth

energy on building a life that is worth living. Once you feel better about

living. Once you feel better about yourself, you won't need to give anyone

yourself, you won't need to give anyone validation.

validation. Why do you give people validation?

Why do you give people validation? Because you crave something in return.

Because you crave something in return. Why do I tell you you're the prettiest

Why do I tell you you're the prettiest bell of the ball? Because I want

bell of the ball? Because I want something from you.

something from you. Feel satisfied within yourself and all

Feel satisfied within yourself and all of this behavior will go away. Right?

of this behavior will go away. Right? Stop begging to be seen.

Stop begging to be seen. Choose women who choose you. Sounds

Choose women who choose you. Sounds great. Sounds empowering. But what do

great. Sounds empowering. But what do you do if no one chooses you?

Right? All right. And I think there's a lot of practical stuff here that's good.

lot of practical stuff here that's good. Like I think reducing these these

Like I think reducing these these behaviors is good. But in my experience,

behaviors is good. But in my experience, the behavior is not I mean the behavior

the behavior is not I mean the behavior is important, but the behavior is half

is important, but the behavior is half the problem. It's understanding of the

the problem. It's understanding of the underlying mechanism.

underlying mechanism. Okay. And this person wants everybody

Okay. And this person wants everybody else to do it. Let's reclaim our p

else to do it. Let's reclaim our p power, bros. No, you don't need to. I

power, bros. No, you don't need to. I mean, you guys get the anger. It's like

mean, you guys get the anger. It's like I'm tired of these. I'm tired of these

I'm tired of these. I'm tired of these people.

people. I'm tired of these people

I'm tired of these people getting all this validation.

Okay. All right. So, let's take questions.

questions. Um, let me post

Um, let me post a link to questions.

wait, hold on. Is there Oh, great. Thanks, Miss Panda.

Thanks, Miss Panda. Thank you very much.

Thank you very much. And then let me pull up my So, now we'll

And then let me pull up my So, now we'll take questions. Okay, chat.

Bruh. Bruh. Okay, great. So, while we're populating

Okay, great. So, while we're populating for questions, we're just going to do a

for questions, we're just going to do a couple of quick announcements.

couple of quick announcements. Um,

okay. So, first thing is,

is, uh, we've had a lot of Puera turn stuff.

uh, we've had a lot of Puera turn stuff. A lot of people care about Puerto Ris,

A lot of people care about Puerto Ris, resonate with the concept. Um, there's

resonate with the concept. Um, there's some cool posts sort of criticizing it

some cool posts sort of criticizing it as a construct. I think all that stuff

as a construct. I think all that stuff is like awesome discussion. um would

is like awesome discussion. um would love to nerd out with y'all and just

love to nerd out with y'all and just talk about Yungian the scientific

talk about Yungian the scientific validity of Yungian things and what it

validity of Yungian things and what it is like we should absolutely have that

is like we should absolutely have that conversation one day. Um but we've

conversation one day. Um but we've started to try to create resource pages

started to try to create resource pages for people who resonate with certain

for people who resonate with certain pieces of content. Uh it allows you to

pieces of content. Uh it allows you to explore some various resources, explains

explore some various resources, explains what the concept is, tries to summarize

what the concept is, tries to summarize things, draws things out in cycles. um

things, draws things out in cycles. um you know if I start something I want to

you know if I start something I want to be sure that it will turn out well and

be sure that it will turn out well and then it kind of goes into like to move

then it kind of goes into like to move past this paralysis of action kind of

past this paralysis of action kind of gives you some guidelines um there's a

gives you some guidelines um there's a confidence resource pack which is free

confidence resource pack which is free by the way um you must be signed in but

by the way um you must be signed in but it's free it's kind of like a set of

it's free it's kind of like a set of insights exercises videos

insights exercises videos uh and then it just basically talks

uh and then it just basically talks through all of the things that we offer

through all of the things that we offer to help y'all with this problem so some

to help y'all with this problem so some of the stuff that we offer is free some

of the stuff that we offer is free some of the stuff that we offer is not free.

of the stuff that we offer is not free. So I think coaching is actually very

So I think coaching is actually very very good for pueris

very good for pueris because coaching is about taking action

because coaching is about taking action and if yall struggle with something like

and if yall struggle with something like pueris I don't think the issue is

pueris I don't think the issue is whether you can do it on your own. I

whether you can do it on your own. I also think like a lot of the stuff about

also think like a lot of the stuff about aamar from the meditation guide is going

aamar from the meditation guide is going to be very very helpful right so people

to be very very helpful right so people are asking what do we do there's a lot

are asking what do we do there's a lot of stuff that we've built to help you

of stuff that we've built to help you with this

with this I think the main question is what is

I think the main question is what is your timeline for results

your timeline for results so the longer of a timeline that you

so the longer of a timeline that you have the more you want to DIY it all

have the more you want to DIY it all have to be careful if you're poo airs

have to be careful if you're poo airs because if you're poo airs then you're

because if you're poo airs then you're going to look for the perfect solution

going to look for the perfect solution you're going to look for a reason to not

you're going to look for a reason to not act. You're going to look at something

act. You're going to look at something like coaching and you're going to say,

like coaching and you're going to say, "Oh, like it's not tailored to this or

"Oh, like it's not tailored to this or it won't be perfect or I don't know if

it won't be perfect or I don't know if it's going to work." Those kinds of

it's going to work." Those kinds of thoughts, right? So, be aware of that.

thoughts, right? So, be aware of that. Not saying you have to do it. At the

Not saying you have to do it. At the minimum, be aware. That's the really

minimum, be aware. That's the really important thing. But if y'all are

important thing. But if y'all are interested in results fast, I think also

interested in results fast, I think also for stuff relating to pornography

for stuff relating to pornography addiction, like that's why we built it

addiction, like that's why we built it around life purpose. Okay. Um, so

around life purpose. Okay. Um, so there's a lot of good resources here.

there's a lot of good resources here. Uh, we have a workshop with Dr. Honda

Uh, we have a workshop with Dr. Honda that is almost full. So, we've got some

that is almost full. So, we've got some spots left. Early bird pricing is over.

spots left. Early bird pricing is over. So, GG noobs. If y'all are AOE healer

So, GG noobs. If y'all are AOE healer tier on memberships, you can still get a

tier on memberships, you can still get a discount. Um, and this workshop is all

discount. Um, and this workshop is all about healing from a relationship with

about healing from a relationship with narcissistic parents. Dr. Honda is

narcissistic parents. Dr. Honda is great. Strongly recommend you all check

great. Strongly recommend you all check him out. Okay. And then I already kind

him out. Okay. And then I already kind of talked a little bit about Oh, yeah.

of talked a little bit about Oh, yeah. And then we have meditation tracks. This

And then we have meditation tracks. This is cool. So, we built these tracks for

is cool. So, we built these tracks for meditation to help you all focus on

meditation to help you all focus on things like emotional processing, focus,

things like emotional processing, focus, and impulse control. So, if you yall

and impulse control. So, if you yall have trouble with um you know, some

have trouble with um you know, some stuff around pornography addiction, that

stuff around pornography addiction, that lack of self-awareness, we're trying to

lack of self-awareness, we're trying to build tools for y'all. Okay?

build tools for y'all. Okay? And this is cool. In the last 10 days or

And this is cool. In the last 10 days or so, people have meditated for about 700

so, people have meditated for about 700 hours. Good job, team. Okay. Let's see

hours. Good job, team. Okay. Let's see what questions we've got.

And just to kind of mention this, I don't know if this makes sense.

don't know if this makes sense. So, we talk a lot about problems on

So, we talk a lot about problems on stream and we do videos about them. The

stream and we do videos about them. The problem is that I can spend two hours

problem is that I can spend two hours talking about a problem, but the

talking about a problem, but the solution to that problem is going to be

solution to that problem is going to be way longer than 2 hours. Does that make

way longer than 2 hours. Does that make sense? The solution will be 8 hours, 10

sense? The solution will be 8 hours, 10 hours, a lot of application, a lot of

hours, a lot of application, a lot of introspection. We've tried to build this

introspection. We've tried to build this stuff for y'all from the beginning.

And so even today I offered a framework right focus on self-esteem. Be careful

right focus on self-esteem. Be careful about psychological frustration. That's

about psychological frustration. That's the real problem. That's the risk

the real problem. That's the risk factor. Lack of self-awareness using

factor. Lack of self-awareness using pornography. It's not the use. It's not

pornography. It's not the use. It's not the amount that you use. It's why you

the amount that you use. It's why you use it. What is driving you to use it?

use it. What is driving you to use it? That's what causes the problem.

That's what causes the problem. So then if you all say, "Okay, how do I

So then if you all say, "Okay, how do I learn alternate emotional regulation

learn alternate emotional regulation techniques? How do I build autonomy? How

techniques? How do I build autonomy? How do I build competence? The fastest way

do I build competence? The fastest way is to work with a coach. That's why we

is to work with a coach. That's why we built it. Because literally, we do not

built it. Because literally, we do not know. I don't know if this makes sense.

know. I don't know if this makes sense. That is the most effective thing that we

That is the most effective thing that we can build.

can build. How do you teach someone to be

How do you teach someone to be autonomous in life? Watching a YouTube

autonomous in life? Watching a YouTube video will probably go in one year and

video will probably go in one year and out the other. It's not like you watch a

out the other. It's not like you watch a video and then you're transformed.

video and then you're transformed. Unless apparently it's the Puera Turnis

Unless apparently it's the Puera Turnis video. So, we're trying to do that as

video. So, we're trying to do that as much as we can, as often as we can. But

much as we can, as often as we can. But the truth of the matter is, if you want

the truth of the matter is, if you want to put together your life, it will

to put together your life, it will require an investment.

require an investment. An investment of your time, of your

An investment of your time, of your energy, of your sweat, or your money.

energy, of your sweat, or your money. It will require an investment. I can't

It will require an investment. I can't just say something to you and have you

just say something to you and have you apparently be transformed unless it's

apparently be transformed unless it's pou. So once in a while, we'll take that

pou. So once in a while, we'll take that long shot and we'll hit it. But do you

long shot and we'll hit it. But do you all understand? You can't rely on me

all understand? You can't rely on me to hit to be like

to hit to be like landing fullcourt shots day in and day

landing fullcourt shots day in and day out. I literally do not know how to do

out. I literally do not know how to do that. If I could, believe me, I would.

that. If I could, believe me, I would. If I could fix your problems with a

If I could fix your problems with a YouTube video, I would. I try every

YouTube video, I would. I try every single day. But the truth of the matter

single day. But the truth of the matter is, if you want to put together your

is, if you want to put together your life, it's going to take more than a

life, it's going to take more than a talking head on the internet. I wish

talking head on the internet. I wish that were not true, but that's the

that were not true, but that's the reality of it. This is what I've learned

reality of it. This is what I've learned as a clinician.

as a clinician. I can explain a concept to my patient in

I can explain a concept to my patient in two hours. Fine. I have to work with

two hours. Fine. I have to work with them for 12 weeks, 14 weeks, 16 weeks, 1

them for 12 weeks, 14 weeks, 16 weeks, 1 hour a week to actually help them with

hour a week to actually help them with their problem.

So that's why we strongly recommend that y'all invest time, energy, money,

y'all invest time, energy, money, resources, whatever you have to invest

resources, whatever you have to invest to fix your problems. We've tried to

to fix your problems. We've tried to create some of that stuff on our own,

create some of that stuff on our own, but by all means, go elsewhere if you

but by all means, go elsewhere if you feel like that's better. We try to build

feel like that's better. We try to build things that are tailored to y'all. We

things that are tailored to y'all. We know y'all really well. And the reason

know y'all really well. And the reason we know y'all really well is because

we know y'all really well is because many of y'all fill out our surveys. So,

many of y'all fill out our surveys. So, thank you very much. Okay, so even this

thank you very much. Okay, so even this stuff like how did we decide on focus

stuff like how did we decide on focus and impulse control and emotional

and impulse control and emotional processing as the first two of the first

processing as the first two of the first three tracks? Because those are the

three tracks? Because those are the things that matter the most to y'all.

things that matter the most to y'all. And that's why we get such good

And that's why we get such good outcomes.

outcomes. Okay, let's go to questions.

Does the type of porn matter whether whether it's healthy or not? Basically,

whether it's healthy or not? Basically, I think the answer to that is no. So, we

I think the answer to that is no. So, we do not have studies or I haven't seen

do not have studies or I haven't seen any studies that talk about the specific

any studies that talk about the specific type of porn that you watch and the

type of porn that you watch and the impact that it has.

impact that it has. So it could matter but we have no data

So it could matter but we have no data to suggest that it matters and I think

to suggest that it matters and I think we have enough research now to where we

we have enough research now to where we know what the problems are. The problems

know what the problems are. The problems aren't in the porn itself the whether

aren't in the porn itself the whether the porn becomes problematic for you.

the porn becomes problematic for you. So think about this right if the effect

So think about this right if the effect is within the pornography

is within the pornography then it should have a universal effect

then it should have a universal effect on people.

Now, you can make an argument that there's a particular kind of porn that

there's a particular kind of porn that is more damaging and everyone who

is more damaging and everyone who watches damaging porn will be damaged.

watches damaging porn will be damaged. We just don't have data about that.

We just don't have data about that. But generally speaking, I think there's

But generally speaking, I think there's convincing evidence that it is the way

convincing evidence that it is the way that you use porn, what is going on in

that you use porn, what is going on in your head, and what is going on in the

your head, and what is going on in the rest of your life. Are you

rest of your life. Are you psychologically frustrated because you

psychologically frustrated because you don't have control in your life? You

don't have control in your life? You don't have direction in your life. Your

don't have direction in your life. Your competence cannot be cannot show up in

competence cannot be cannot show up in the world. You are competent but it

the world. You are competent but it doesn't result in anything. People don't

doesn't result in anything. People don't give you a chance to demonstrate your

give you a chance to demonstrate your competence to build something good. When

competence to build something good. When you try to connect with other people it

you try to connect with other people it doesn't work. You get rejected. Those

doesn't work. You get rejected. Those are the problems.

are the problems. At least as according to the evidence.

At least as according to the evidence. So right now the type of porn you watch

So right now the type of porn you watch doesn't seem to matter. Now if y'all

doesn't seem to matter. Now if y'all believe it matters by all means please

believe it matters by all means please share that with me.

share that with me. Right? So, if you all disagree with this

Right? So, if you all disagree with this stuff, like I don't know if this makes

stuff, like I don't know if this makes sense, but like dude, like half of what

sense, but like dude, like half of what we do is I mean like we pay attention.

we do is I mean like we pay attention. You know, I troll I'm a troll user on

You know, I troll I'm a troll user on our subreddit. Like, so I I read a lot

our subreddit. Like, so I I read a lot of this stuff. I don't hang out quite as

of this stuff. I don't hang out quite as much on Discord, but other people do.

much on Discord, but other people do. Um, and so we spend a lot of time like

Um, and so we spend a lot of time like listening to y'all. That's why I think

listening to y'all. That's why I think we're so effective

because if y'all I mean it's not like Dr. K is the knower of truth. If you

Dr. K is the knower of truth. If you guys tell me, hey, I think the type of

guys tell me, hey, I think the type of porn I watch matters a lot. Here's why.

porn I watch matters a lot. Here's why. We'll read it.

If porn is a source of meditation, this is great. If porn is a source of mood

is great. If porn is a source of mood regulation, how do I replace it? Oh my

regulation, how do I replace it? Oh my goodness. Wouldn't it be cool if we

goodness. Wouldn't it be cool if we built a tool that allows you how to to

built a tool that allows you how to to regulate your emotions and and process

regulate your emotions and and process your emotions? Wouldn't it be cool if we

your emotions? Wouldn't it be cool if we um let me see, let me find this. How to

um let me see, let me find this. How to regulate your emotions. Ah,

regulate your emotions. Ah, okay. Hold on a second, chat.

okay. Hold on a second, chat. Okay. I don't know if this is going to

Okay. I don't know if this is going to make sense. Let me see if I can Can I

make sense. Let me see if I can Can I sign in?

Wouldn't it be cool if we had something that we built

that helps you with this? Hold on. Ah, career, men's mental health. Where is

career, men's mental health. Where is Oh, here we go. Wouldn't it be cool if

Oh, here we go. Wouldn't it be cool if we had something like we had built a lot

we had something like we had built a lot of stuff? Emotions. Psychology of money

of stuff? Emotions. Psychology of money part two. Deep dive into anger. Dealing

part two. Deep dive into anger. Dealing with uncertainty. Breaking through

with uncertainty. Breaking through overwhelm. Deep dive into fear. Quitting

overwhelm. Deep dive into fear. Quitting versus pushing through. Anxiety in the

versus pushing through. Anxiety in the body. Self-esteem. Oh my goodness.

body. Self-esteem. Oh my goodness. Wouldn't that be cool if we had stuff?

Wouldn't that be cool if we had stuff? Let me see if I can find

resource packs, right? So, these are free. Um, here's building confidence,

free. Um, here's building confidence, loneliness, and isolation, life purpose,

loneliness, and isolation, life purpose, right? So, like I don't know if this

right? So, like I don't know if this makes sense.

makes sense. We [ __ ] built everything. I mean, not

We [ __ ] built everything. I mean, not everything. We're going to build more,

everything. We're going to build more, but when y'all like give us money, we

but when y'all like give us money, we use it to build everything that you

use it to build everything that you need.

need. Not everything.

Not everything. but what we can build. So like the stuff

but what we can build. So like the stuff is there in our community like like we

is there in our community like like we have a lot of it,

have a lot of it, right? So that's that's like why we

right? So that's that's like why we build stuff. I don't I don't know if

build stuff. I don't I don't know if this makes sense to you all, but so I'm

this makes sense to you all, but so I'm like looking at this problem, right? And

like looking at this problem, right? And I'm asking myself, how do we help these

I'm asking myself, how do we help these humans?

humans? And what I know is that making

And what I know is that making educational content on the internet

educational content on the internet is a huge part of it, but it only goes

is a huge part of it, but it only goes so far, right? It's like I can make

so far, right? It's like I can make cooking videos on the internet, but at

cooking videos on the internet, but at some point you have to get the

some point you have to get the ingredients, prepare the food, and eat

ingredients, prepare the food, and eat it. Like, you can only get so far with

it. Like, you can only get so far with educational content on the internet. And

educational content on the internet. And what I see in the world today is a huge

what I see in the world today is a huge problem with mental health, loneliness,

problem with mental health, loneliness, whatever. So we are building stuff one

whatever. So we are building stuff one laborious step at a time for 5 years, 6

laborious step at a time for 5 years, 6 years

years to help you guys with these problems.

to help you guys with these problems. And that's why we build them, right?

And that's why we build them, right? It's like all this foundational stuff of

It's like all this foundational stuff of dealing with anger, understanding shame,

dealing with anger, understanding shame, understanding self-esteem, like

understanding self-esteem, like understanding where this stuff comes

understanding where this stuff comes from.

And some of this stuff like this is not cheap

cheap to build.

to build. Oh, let me find this.

Oh, let me find this. Right. This is like this is cool, man.

Right. This is like this is cool, man. This is like this takes money to build,

This is like this takes money to build, guys. We have a dev team and a design

guys. We have a dev team and a design team and it's like really well done.

team and it's like really well done. So, if y'all are looking for alternate

So, if y'all are looking for alternate emotional regulation practices, we've

emotional regulation practices, we've got YouTube videos about it. I'm going

got YouTube videos about it. I'm going to do a deep dive into emotional

to do a deep dive into emotional processing as a live stream in the next

processing as a live stream in the next few weeks hopefully. U maybe it'll

few weeks hopefully. U maybe it'll happen after August, but not sure. Um

so we're it's all there. You all just have to use it.

have to use it. Okay.

Um is there a 7-day course? I think there is a a a resource pack that y'all

there is a a a resource pack that y'all can check out and there are a couple of

can check out and there are a couple of very good membership lectures. So, if

very good membership lectures. So, if y'all are averse to paying 10 bucks a

y'all are averse to paying 10 bucks a month, which gives you access to the

month, which gives you access to the whole library, then use the resource

whole library, then use the resource pack. But I really think the membership

pack. But I really think the membership lectures are excellent.

lectures are excellent. Um, okay.

Um, okay. Do you think the use of sex workers is

Do you think the use of sex workers is comparable to to porn in these studies

comparable to to porn in these studies and in your mind? Yes and no.

and in your mind? Yes and no. So the key thing about all these studies

So the key thing about all these studies is that it is not the thing outside of

is that it is not the thing outside of you that is the problem. It is your

you that is the problem. It is your relationship to the thing outside of

relationship to the thing outside of you. So I think sex workers are

you. So I think sex workers are absolutely comparable. If you've been

absolutely comparable. If you've been psychologically frustrated in life, if

psychologically frustrated in life, if you've been rejected when you try to

you've been rejected when you try to connect with people, if you don't feel

connect with people, if you don't feel like you have power or competence in the

like you have power or competence in the world,

world, if you are are not aware of your

if you are are not aware of your emotions and you have difficulty

emotions and you have difficulty regulating your emotions and you go to a

regulating your emotions and you go to a sex worker, I think it'll be very

sex worker, I think it'll be very comparable. I think it'll be even more

comparable. I think it'll be even more addicting because I think the proxy that

addicting because I think the proxy that sex workers provide

sex workers provide can feel

can feel much more intense than pornography.

much more intense than pornography. Right? So with a with a sex worker,

Right? So with a with a sex worker, there's a human, they smile at you, they

there's a human, they smile at you, they touch you, there's a physical act.

touch you, there's a physical act. And I think the reason the other reason

And I think the reason the other reason it's potentially more damaging is

it's potentially more damaging is because of the amount of guilt that you

because of the amount of guilt that you can feel. So after you engage with a sex

can feel. So after you engage with a sex worker, how do you feel about yourself?

worker, how do you feel about yourself? Do you feel guilty? Does your

Do you feel guilty? Does your self-esteem decrease? Right? So those

self-esteem decrease? Right? So those are the factors that make pornography

are the factors that make pornography damaging.

damaging. And I think with a sex worker, it

And I think with a sex worker, it there's a potential that you can amplify

there's a potential that you can amplify the damage. I've had patients who use go

the damage. I've had patients who use go to sex workers. I've had patients who

to sex workers. I've had patients who are sex workers. And some people can

are sex workers. And some people can have healthy relationships with sex

have healthy relationships with sex workers.

But I think like if you're vulnerable to this stuff, a sex worker is going to be

this stuff, a sex worker is going to be bad, right? Because then you start to

bad, right? Because then you start to catch feelings and then you want to grab

catch feelings and then you want to grab dinner or things like that

and then it's it becomes problematic, right? So I think it's it's going to be

right? So I think it's it's going to be harder.

What do you think of people who consume porn because their sex drive is higher

porn because their sex drive is higher than their partners? There is a ton of

than their partners? There is a ton of stuff about that. Um, let me find this.

stuff about that. Um, let me find this. So, I'm gonna have to There there's a I

So, I'm gonna have to There there's a I just didn't talk about that, but there's

just didn't talk about that, but there's a ton of stuff about this. Um,

a ton of stuff about this. Um, okay. So, increased interest in sex

okay. So, increased interest in sex responses. Considered how p uh

responses. Considered how p uh considered how pornography use increases

considered how pornography use increases libido, sex drive, sexual desire,

libido, sex drive, sexual desire, interest in having sex, makes people

interest in having sex, makes people more receptive to sexual advances. So uh

more receptive to sexual advances. So uh pornography can actually increase

pornography can actually increase arousal especially in women.

arousal especially in women. Um and it is absolutely utilized in uh

Um and it is absolutely utilized in uh with cases of higher libido.

So pornography use is absolutely associated with high levels of libido.

associated with high levels of libido. Let me see if I can find

right. So participants reported watching pornography for diverse reasons

pornography for diverse reasons including entertainment, curiosity as

including entertainment, curiosity as self- arousal activity, masturbate, an

self- arousal activity, masturbate, an arousing activity with partners as a

arousing activity with partners as a means to learn how to perform certain

means to learn how to perform certain sexual acts to learn more information

sexual acts to learn more information about a type of sexual act they are not

about a type of sexual act they are not familiar with and an inspiration for

familiar with and an inspiration for sexual acts and offline sexual

sexual acts and offline sexual activities as a way to check if a sexual

activities as a way to check if a sexual interest desire is normal. So there's a

interest desire is normal. So there's a lot of stuff about desire. Uh, but I'm

lot of stuff about desire. Uh, but I'm trying to find I there's stuff about

trying to find I there's stuff about libido.

So there I I just can't find maybe I'm looking for the wrong term, but there is

looking for the wrong term, but there is absolutely a big correlation with um

absolutely a big correlation with um mismatched libido in a relationship. And

mismatched libido in a relationship. And so if you have a partner who has a

so if you have a partner who has a libido that's very different from yours

libido that's very different from yours and one of y'all uses pornography, that

and one of y'all uses pornography, that can be healthy. That can be fine. I

can be healthy. That can be fine. I think that's where like transparency and

think that's where like transparency and communication matters a lot, right? So

communication matters a lot, right? So that's where discussions with your

that's where discussions with your partner and like figuring out, okay,

partner and like figuring out, okay, like is this a situation of pornography

like is this a situation of pornography usage and masturbation or like if you've

usage and masturbation or like if you've got a headache or whatever, like

got a headache or whatever, like actually you should have sex if you have

actually you should have sex if you have headaches. It's one of the best

headaches. It's one of the best treatments for a headache is sexual

treatments for a headache is sexual activity.

activity. Um, so that's a not a great excuse. I

Um, so that's a not a great excuse. I mean, it's you can have have any reason

mean, it's you can have have any reason to say no, but the data suggests that

to say no, but the data suggests that it's very helpful for headaches.

it's very helpful for headaches. So, it's a treatment.

So, it's a treatment. Um, so I think it's all about healthy

Um, so I think it's all about healthy communication with your partner.

Um, lust starts with looking at chicks on Insta or even on streets. How does

on Insta or even on streets. How does one break that loop?

one break that loop? posted by Puer.

Hold on a second. Let me see. Do we have um

let me see. I think we've done it. Have we done deep dive into lust?

Oh, yeah. deep dive into lust.

deep dive into lust. Look at that face. All right, so y'all

Look at that face. All right, so y'all can check out the lust video, but let's

can check out the lust video, but let's talk about this.

talk about this. Lust starts with looking at chicks on

Lust starts with looking at chicks on Insta or even on the streets. How does

Insta or even on the streets. How does one break that loop?

So if you are a man today or woman and you spend some time on the internet,

and you spend some time on the internet, what you will discover is that you will

what you will discover is that you will become a thirsty [ __ ]

There's so much so much thirst trapping going on,

going on, you know, and and it is it is like

you know, and and it is it is like intentional, right? So people will post

intentional, right? So people will post pictures for the sake of invoking lust

pictures for the sake of invoking lust to get attention

to get attention to evoke feelings in you maybe drive

to evoke feelings in you maybe drive behavior to their only fans website or

behavior to their only fans website or whatever. So how do you how do you deal

whatever. So how do you how do you deal with this? There are a couple of key

with this? There are a couple of key things that we need to understand.

things that we need to understand. Anytime a sensory input happens,

Anytime a sensory input happens, our reaction to that

our reaction to that depends on our level of satiety. Okay.

depends on our level of satiety. Okay. So, let's understand basic neuroscience.

So, let's understand basic neuroscience. The amount of hunger that I feel when I

The amount of hunger that I feel when I smell

French fries being fried or hamburgers being grilled or things like that depend

being grilled or things like that depend on my society.

on my society. Right? So there is

Right? So there is it is not just the sensory stimulus

it is not just the sensory stimulus it is my degree of hunger that will

it is my degree of hunger that will create the response.

create the response. So the first thing is you got to think

So the first thing is you got to think about satisfying your lust or managing

about satisfying your lust or managing your lust let's say. So if I have lust

your lust let's say. So if I have lust within me there are multiple ways to

within me there are multiple ways to manage it.

manage it. And this is where I think there's a

And this is where I think there's a really great post here where chronic

really great post here where chronic masturbation is about the avoidance of

masturbation is about the avoidance of horniness.

horniness. So often times the way that we manage

So often times the way that we manage our lust is to get rid of it. So when I

our lust is to get rid of it. So when I feel lusty, I want to make that feeling

feel lusty, I want to make that feeling go away.

go away. This is why we turn to things like

This is why we turn to things like masturbation, pornography, whatever,

masturbation, pornography, whatever, thirst traps, take your pick.

thirst traps, take your pick. So if I deal with my lust by making it

So if I deal with my lust by making it go away, what does that train my brain

go away, what does that train my brain to do? That trains my brain that when

to do? That trains my brain that when I'm hungry, I got to eat something.

I'm hungry, I got to eat something. So then what happens is I start to spoil

So then what happens is I start to spoil myself.

myself. My capacity to tolerate distress,

My capacity to tolerate distress, tolerate internal uncomfortable states

tolerate internal uncomfortable states goes down.

goes down. So I don't know if you all have ever

So I don't know if you all have ever known someone who can't handle being

known someone who can't handle being hungry. They get really really cranky.

hungry. They get really really cranky. They start complaining a lot

They start complaining a lot or they can't tolerate a room that's too

or they can't tolerate a room that's too hot or a room that's too cold. They're

hot or a room that's too cold. They're like giant babies.

like giant babies. Their capacity to tolerate internal

Their capacity to tolerate internal discomfort is very low.

discomfort is very low. So if we're not careful, we will see a

So if we're not careful, we will see a lot of lust that is evoked, right, by

lot of lust that is evoked, right, by people who are intentionally competing

people who are intentionally competing with each other on the internet to evoke

with each other on the internet to evoke the most lust.

the most lust. And they figure out how to evoke it in

And they figure out how to evoke it in the strongest way. That lust then enters

the strongest way. That lust then enters us. And how do we respond to that lust?

us. And how do we respond to that lust? Do we give into it? Do we have to make

Do we give into it? Do we have to make it go away by satisfying it? Because

it go away by satisfying it? Because whatever you feed will grow.

So if I'm used to getting all my needs met all the time, I will become a baby,

met all the time, I will become a baby, right? I'll start to throw temper

right? I'll start to throw temper tantrums. So how do you manage that lust

tantrums. So how do you manage that lust once it arises within you?

So managing that lust means three things. The first is be careful about

things. The first is be careful about your sensory inputs.

your sensory inputs. The more you walk around smelling

The more you walk around smelling hamburgers, the more hungry you will be.

hamburgers, the more hungry you will be. And advertisers understand this. That's

And advertisers understand this. That's like literally why advertising is a

like literally why advertising is a thing. If they can bombard your senses,

thing. If they can bombard your senses, they can create urges and control your

they can create urges and control your behavior.

behavior. So, as best as you can, stop watching

So, as best as you can, stop watching people on Instagram. Unfollow them.

Now, if that becomes hard for you, which it's going to be, you should ask

it's going to be, you should ask yourself as you are sitting there, let's

yourself as you are sitting there, let's say you pull up your favorite Instagram

say you pull up your favorite Instagram influencers, start unfollowing them. Pay

influencers, start unfollowing them. Pay attention to yourself and how you feel.

attention to yourself and how you feel. How does it feel to unfollow them? What

How does it feel to unfollow them? What is going on within you? You must

is going on within you? You must understand that because there's a part

understand that because there's a part of you that doesn't want to do it. That

of you that doesn't want to do it. That you must understand. You can't This is

you must understand. You can't This is where like you can't fight this opponent

where like you can't fight this opponent if you're blind to it.

if you're blind to it. Emotional awareness is key. Internal

Emotional awareness is key. Internal awareness is key.

awareness is key. So, what is it that draws you to that

So, what is it that draws you to that person?

person? Second thing is when you feel urges,

Second thing is when you feel urges, it's not all the time or every time. As

it's not all the time or every time. As often as you can, as slowly you want to

often as you can, as slowly you want to build this up, do not satisfy the urge.

build this up, do not satisfy the urge. Do not satisfy the urge to open

Do not satisfy the urge to open Instagram. Do not satisfy the urge to

Instagram. Do not satisfy the urge to masturbate. Do not satisfy the urge to

masturbate. Do not satisfy the urge to subscribe to their Only Fans. Whatever.

subscribe to their Only Fans. Whatever. The more that you resist your urges, the

The more that you resist your urges, the more powerful you will become and the

more powerful you will become and the weaker the urges will become. Literally,

weaker the urges will become. Literally, from a neuroscience standpoint, when my

from a neuroscience standpoint, when my brain sends me a signal and then I give

brain sends me a signal and then I give it a response, those neuronal

it a response, those neuronal connections strengthen. They start to

connections strengthen. They start to become habits and then they become very

become habits and then they become very hard to resist.

So, one thing that, you know, I've done several times is like quit soda. And

several times is like quit soda. And it's hard at the beginning to resist.

it's hard at the beginning to resist. But each time you resist, you win. Each

But each time you resist, you win. Each time you fail, you make it harder. So

time you fail, you make it harder. So you can kind of think about it as every

you can kind of think about it as every time you have an urge, there's a 100

time you have an urge, there's a 100 experience points which gets

experience points which gets distributed. If you resist the urge, you

distributed. If you resist the urge, you level up. If you do not resist the urge,

level up. If you do not resist the urge, the urge levels up. Every single time

the urge levels up. Every single time you fight

you fight against an urge, one of y'all is

against an urge, one of y'all is leveling up.

leveling up. So, a lot of people think it's about

So, a lot of people think it's about conquering the urges. That's not the

conquering the urges. That's not the right strategy. The question is who is

right strategy. The question is who is gaining XP.

gaining XP. You don't have to conquer it because if

You don't have to conquer it because if you level up enough, it won't be able to

you level up enough, it won't be able to stand against you. You'll just one-shot

stand against you. You'll just one-shot it. Every time becomes easy.

So, every time you resist, you level up. Every time you don't resist, it levels

Every time you don't resist, it levels up. That will determine who wins and who

up. That will determine who wins and who loses.

Third thing is once you understand what it is that this person

it is that this person is activating with you, what what is

is activating with you, what what is your hunger, you must try to satisfy

your hunger, you must try to satisfy that hunger directly. Don't use the

that hunger directly. Don't use the cheap ultrarocessed

cheap ultrarocessed shitty version of Instagram influencer

shitty version of Instagram influencer to satisfy that thing within you. If you

to satisfy that thing within you. If you look at that person and you say, "I want

look at that person and you say, "I want to have a relationship with a hot human

to have a relationship with a hot human being," then you [ __ ] go for that.

being," then you [ __ ] go for that. Man, woman, I don't care.

Man, woman, I don't care. If you want a hot human being and you

If you want a hot human being and you want to have sex with a hot human being,

want to have sex with a hot human being, you should get your ass to the gym,

you should get your ass to the gym, start to work harder, go to a stylist,

start to work harder, go to a stylist, start to grind towards that goal. This

start to grind towards that goal. This is the craziest thing. When you give

is the craziest thing. When you give into lust on the internet, you are

into lust on the internet, you are disabling the very motivation that will

disabling the very motivation that will transform your life,

transform your life, your desire. And then what happens is

your desire. And then what happens is you give in to that lust. Then it goes

you give in to that lust. Then it goes away. Then it's like, h,

away. Then it's like, h, I guess I'm going to play video games

I guess I'm going to play video games until I get horny again.

until I get horny again. And it's like, no, like you like use

And it's like, no, like you like use that, man. Like that's so that is a

that, man. Like that's so that is a powerful pull. It is such a powerful

powerful pull. It is such a powerful motivator. Which is why Instagram

motivator. Which is why Instagram influencers being thirsty is like a

influencers being thirsty is like a [ __ ] industry.

[ __ ] industry. It's an industry. Why is it an industry?

It's an industry. Why is it an industry? Because the motivational drive within us

Because the motivational drive within us that it activates is so powerful. And if

that it activates is so powerful. And if you don't [ __ ] like literally and

you don't [ __ ] like literally and metaphorically blow your load on that,

metaphorically blow your load on that, you've got so much load for other

you've got so much load for other things.

things. [ __ ] go to the gym. Like you'll feel

[ __ ] go to the gym. Like you'll feel amazing. Afterward,

you feel like powerful. Vira, it's hard to describe that word. Va is like the

to describe that word. Va is like the strength.

Like going to the gym and like if you don't if you have a choice between

don't if you have a choice between masturbating and then you feel like,

masturbating and then you feel like, right, let me find this.

right, let me find this. Where's the picture of the anist?

this, my friends, is the honest,

is the honest, the masturbator

the masturbator from a Swedish textbook in 1918. When

from a Swedish textbook in 1918. When you jerk off, this is what happens to

you jerk off, this is what happens to you.

Tisso is the author of that text. Okay. So, like your energy is depleted.

Okay. So, like your energy is depleted. Like your motivation is gone. And it's

Like your motivation is gone. And it's like

like and like that's from 1918. Okay. That

and like that's from 1918. Okay. That picture is 107 years old. And this

picture is 107 years old. And this [ __ ] to to guy wasn't didn't use AI.

[ __ ] to to guy wasn't didn't use AI. He predicted what your post office looks

He predicted what your post office looks like. He like figured it out and he drew

like. He like figured it out and he drew it and like slapped it in a textbook.

So let that energy like strive for that thing. That is your body, your brain

thing. That is your body, your brain telling you, "Hey, we want this thing."

telling you, "Hey, we want this thing." [ __ ] go for it. Don't use some cheap

[ __ ] go for it. Don't use some cheap ass substitute of pixels on a screen and

ass substitute of pixels on a screen and auditory waves coming out of your

auditory waves coming out of your speaker.

speaker. [ __ ] go for it. You will feel amazing

[ __ ] go for it. You will feel amazing about yourself

about yourself when you grind towards it and then you

when you grind towards it and then you start asking people out. You develop

start asking people out. You develop confidence. Like you can turn your

confidence. Like you can turn your [ __ ] life around. You can have that.

[ __ ] life around. You can have that. You can date someone who is hot. You can

You can date someone who is hot. You can actually do it. You can do it. This is

actually do it. You can do it. This is the crazy thing. I think somewhere along

the crazy thing. I think somewhere along the way, a lot of dudes gave up hope

the way, a lot of dudes gave up hope that this is possible,

that this is possible, right? We all think we're ugly

right? We all think we're ugly ducklings, but like and then we like

ducklings, but like and then we like find certain beliefs about ourselves

find certain beliefs about ourselves like, "Oh, I'm 5'4, so no woman will

like, "Oh, I'm 5'4, so no woman will ever want me." Like, that's not true.

ever want me." Like, that's not true. You know why that's not true? Because,

You know why that's not true? Because, and this is great,

and this is great, I I I saw this post, which we can talk

I I I saw this post, which we can talk about a little bit later, but why I and

about a little bit later, but why I and many women have stepped away from

many women have stepped away from dating. Some thoughts from the

dating. Some thoughts from the community. It's a beautiful post, but if

community. It's a beautiful post, but if you're like a 54 short king and you're

you're like a 54 short king and you're not a dick, like women are piecing out

not a dick, like women are piecing out of dating because there's a lot of

of dating because there's a lot of [ __ ] dudes. All you have to do is be

[ __ ] dudes. All you have to do is be a fitness bro without being an [ __ ]

a fitness bro without being an [ __ ] and you're Gucci. You're set. You do all

and you're Gucci. You're set. You do all the things that the podcast bros tell

the things that the podcast bros tell you to do except become an [ __ ] And

you to do except become an [ __ ] And you can do that. Meditate some, work on

you can do that. Meditate some, work on your ego, and then you'll be like

your ego, and then you'll be like amazing. Like women will be lining up.

amazing. Like women will be lining up. Just don't be an ass. And it's not that

Just don't be an ass. And it's not that easy. I know it's not that easy. It's

easy. I know it's not that easy. It's hard. It requires a lot of effort. If

hard. It requires a lot of effort. If only you had some source of endless

only you had some source of endless motivation like lust and a drive to act

motivation like lust and a drive to act that you could channel that shows up

that you could channel that shows up every single day that you could invest

every single day that you could invest into building something useful in your

into building something useful in your life. Like wouldn't that be cool? But

life. Like wouldn't that be cool? But instead, what we do,

instead, what we do, we [ __ ]

we [ __ ] we do this. We honest our way into an

we do this. We honest our way into an empty life.

Okay. This is great. So, as women, how can we recover our self-worth and

can we recover our self-worth and self-esteem after a partner who chose

self-esteem after a partner who chose pornography over a healthy relationship,

pornography over a healthy relationship, knowing he lusts after women who are

knowing he lusts after women who are different than their girlfriend?

different than their girlfriend? Excellent question. Love it.

Excellent question. Love it. See, this is about the framing.

So, how does it feel if your partner is attracted or lusts

if your partner is attracted or lusts after people who are not you?

So, this has a lot to do do with the how secure we are in ourselves.

secure we are in ourselves. So, if you're someone who needs to be

So, if you're someone who needs to be the only thing that your partner is

the only thing that your partner is attracted to,

attracted to, where does that need come from?

where does that need come from? I'm not saying it's right or wrong,

I'm not saying it's right or wrong, right? We all want our partner to only

right? We all want our partner to only be attracted to you.

be attracted to you. Where does that need come from? Do you

Where does that need come from? Do you need to be perfect in their eyes? Do you

need to be perfect in their eyes? Do you need to be everything in their eyes? Why

need to be everything in their eyes? Why do you need why do you need to be so

do you need why do you need to be so perfect to begin with?

perfect to begin with? And so often times when I work with

And so often times when I work with women who are insecure about their

women who are insecure about their partner's pornography use, it's not my

partner's pornography use, it's not my my place to say, "Oh, this is an

my place to say, "Oh, this is an insecurity. Therefore, you need to get

insecurity. Therefore, you need to get over it." We do an exploration

over it." We do an exploration and what we discover is often times they

and what we discover is often times they are not secure in themselves. And then

are not secure in themselves. And then what happens is they try to control

what happens is they try to control their partner's behavior, try to reduce

their partner's behavior, try to reduce the pornography usage, which by the way,

the pornography usage, which by the way, remember, I don't know if you all

remember, I don't know if you all remember this, but external motivators,

remember this, but external motivators, let me find this.

Yeah. Oh, beautiful. Hold on.

So, if we look at I can't find the reference right now. If we look at

reference right now. If we look at people who get addicted to pornography,

people who get addicted to pornography, one of the huge reasons they get

one of the huge reasons they get addicted is because their use of it is

addicted is because their use of it is driven externally.

driven externally. So if you try to restrict your partner,

So if you try to restrict your partner, restrict your partner's technology use,

restrict your partner's technology use, their desire is there

their desire is there and you're trying to control their

and you're trying to control their desire from the outside. I'm not saying

desire from the outside. I'm not saying it won't work, but it is not the best

it won't work, but it is not the best strategy. Right? So, when I'm working

strategy. Right? So, when I'm working with someone who has an alcohol

with someone who has an alcohol addiction, I can try to put as many

addiction, I can try to put as many safeguards around as I want, but if in

safeguards around as I want, but if in their heart they want to drink, they're

their heart they want to drink, they're going to find a way. The way to fix that

going to find a way. The way to fix that problem is to alter their internal

problem is to alter their internal desire, not put restrictions around

desire, not put restrictions around them. Now, how can you alter their

them. Now, how can you alter their internal desire? That becomes

internal desire? That becomes challenging.

challenging. Now, the question is, is it easier to

Now, the question is, is it easier to alter their internal desire or in alter

alter their internal desire or in alter your internal relationship with them?

your internal relationship with them? lusting after people that are not you.

So, this is what's really hard. If you're in a relationship, you can try to

you're in a relationship, you can try to control your partner to help you feel

control your partner to help you feel more secure, but that doesn't solve the

more secure, but that doesn't solve the insecurity.

In fact, that can enhance the insecurity because now, just like we talked about

because now, just like we talked about with dudes, you are giving into the

with dudes, you are giving into the insecurity. You're not learning to

insecurity. You're not learning to tolerate it. You're not conquering it.

tolerate it. You're not conquering it. You're giving it what it wants.

Now there's a this is tricky because there are many relationships where

there are many relationships where people will fall into really unhealthy

people will fall into really unhealthy patterns with like thirst traps. They're

patterns with like thirst traps. They're like spending a I mean I've had not

like spending a I mean I've had not patients in my office but people in my

patients in my office but people in my personal life women whose um husbands

personal life women whose um husbands have spent $30,000 on only fans in like

have spent $30,000 on only fans in like a single year and they find out about

a single year and they find out about it. It's a financial betrayal. It's like

it. It's a financial betrayal. It's like what? Why the hell are you spending this

what? Why the hell are you spending this kind of money on someone on the

kind of money on someone on the internet? Is there some kind of

internet? Is there some kind of emotional affair going on? There's lots

emotional affair going on? There's lots of like problems associated with this.

of like problems associated with this. So, it's not just an insecurity on your

So, it's not just an insecurity on your part. There can be a very real damaging

part. There can be a very real damaging relationship

relationship involving lust.

So, this is where I think it's like a little bit of both,

little bit of both, right? So recover your self-esteem after

right? So recover your self-esteem after someone looks at naked girls on the

someone looks at naked girls on the internet. As long as those two things

internet. As long as those two things are tied, you're screwed. If your

are tied, you're screwed. If your self-esteem

self-esteem depends upon the behavior of your

depends upon the behavior of your boyfriend and whether he looks at

boyfriend and whether he looks at boobies on the internet, you're [ __ ]

It is not self-esteem. It is esteem given to you by him. That is not

given to you by him. That is not self-esteem.

self-esteem. As you develop self-esteem

As you develop self-esteem independently,

independently, your ability to tolerate that behavior

your ability to tolerate that behavior or kick his ass to the curb will

or kick his ass to the curb will increase. Both of those will increase.

increase. Both of those will increase. As you feel secure in yourself, you will

As you feel secure in yourself, you will decide you will look at this without the

decide you will look at this without the lens of your self-esteem. So now you

lens of your self-esteem. So now you don't have a horse in the game. You're

don't have a horse in the game. You're you're fine either way. You feel good

you're fine either way. You feel good about yourself. You're confident in

about yourself. You're confident in yourself. Then you're going to look at

yourself. Then you're going to look at your the behavior and you will look at

your the behavior and you will look at it objectively. As long as your

it objectively. As long as your self-esteem is tied up in the behavior,

self-esteem is tied up in the behavior, you won't be able to see it objectively.

you won't be able to see it objectively. Let me know if you'll need more

Let me know if you'll need more explanation on that. Someone just say,

explanation on that. Someone just say, "Please say more about that, Dr. K."

"Please say more about that, Dr. K." But once you have self-esteem, you'll be

But once you have self-esteem, you'll be able to look at their pornography usage

able to look at their pornography usage and you'll say like, "Okay, they clearly

and you'll say like, "Okay, they clearly love me. They clearly are attracted to

love me. They clearly are attracted to me. Their libido is higher than what I

me. Their libido is higher than what I want to accommodate. It's a pain in the

want to accommodate. It's a pain in the ass. They're horny all the time. If they

ass. They're horny all the time. If they want to watch porn from time to time,

want to watch porn from time to time, like whatever.

like whatever. as long as they're available when I want

as long as they're available when I want them, it's fine. Or you'll look at this

them, it's fine. Or you'll look at this and you'll say, "This person is way too

and you'll say, "This person is way too emotionally invested. They prefer the

emotionally invested. They prefer the the fictional relationship or the

the fictional relationship or the fantasy life of pornography to our real

fantasy life of pornography to our real relationship. This is not someone that I

relationship. This is not someone that I want to have a relationship with. I'm

want to have a relationship with. I'm going to kick him to the curb. I'm

going to kick him to the curb. I'm breaking up with you."

breaking up with you." You will be able to see how problematic

You will be able to see how problematic it is.

So the key thing is to separate your self-esteem from from who they choose to

self-esteem from from who they choose to be lustful towards.

be lustful towards. Second thing is to have a conversation

Second thing is to have a conversation with them about it.

with them about it. What do you like about it? Why do you do

What do you like about it? Why do you do this? What does it do for you? How do

this? What does it do for you? How do you think about me? And really listen to

you think about me? And really listen to what they have to say. Here's how I feel

what they have to say. Here's how I feel about it. Here's what makes me

about it. Here's what makes me uncomfortable.

Right? Because there is a lot of insecurity associated with it. But I

insecurity associated with it. But I think that insecurity comes a lot from

think that insecurity comes a lot from needing to be everything. And 17% of

needing to be everything. And 17% of people, women, I think, consider

people, women, I think, consider pornography used to be moral infidelity.

pornography used to be moral infidelity. So you're not alone in that, right?

So you're not alone in that, right? Almost 20%.

Almost 20%. And some people may consider it moral

And some people may consider it moral infidelity. I imagine there is a larger

infidelity. I imagine there is a larger percentage of people who consider it

percentage of people who consider it unhealthy in some way are not ideal for

unhealthy in some way are not ideal for the relationship. That's probably close

the relationship. That's probably close to 30, 40, 50%.

Right. So I I think like separate your

So I I think like separate your self-esteem. You are worth more. Your

self-esteem. You are worth more. Your you deserve enough self-respect to where

you deserve enough self-respect to where your self-esteem should not be tied to

your self-esteem should not be tied to the lusty choices of the person you're

the lusty choices of the person you're in the relationship with. You should

in the relationship with. You should respect yourself more than that.

respect yourself more than that. And that will bludgeon your self-esteem

And that will bludgeon your self-esteem because you should respect yourself

because you should respect yourself more. Right? So, I'm even denigrating

more. Right? So, I'm even denigrating the person that I'm talking to by using

the person that I'm talking to by using the word should. So, take a deep breath.

the word should. So, take a deep breath. Ask yourself, and they're saying, "Is

Ask yourself, and they're saying, "Is the first step a conversation?" I don't

the first step a conversation?" I don't even think the first step is a

even think the first step is a conversation. First step is reflection.

conversation. First step is reflection. Always reflect before you converse.

Always reflect before you converse. Why is this so important to me? What am

Why is this so important to me? What am I afraid of if he watches this? What

I afraid of if he watches this? What does it mean about me? Where does my

does it mean about me? Where does my esteem come from? Where did my low

esteem come from? Where did my low presuming it's low, where did my current

presuming it's low, where did my current state of esteem come from?

state of esteem come from? Understand yourself first. Then when you

Understand yourself first. Then when you talk to them, you can articulate things

talk to them, you can articulate things because what's really confusing, this is

because what's really confusing, this is really annoying in in in relationships.

really annoying in in in relationships. See, the biggest mistake that many

See, the biggest mistake that many people make in relationships is they try

people make in relationships is they try to talk about their problems, which I

to talk about their problems, which I know sounds dumb, right? Aren't we

know sounds dumb, right? Aren't we supposed to talk about our problems?

supposed to talk about our problems? Well, yes and no.

Well, yes and no. So sometimes, I don't know if y'all have

So sometimes, I don't know if y'all have ever been in a relationship where

ever been in a relationship where someone just comes to you to talk about

someone just comes to you to talk about their problems, even your boyfriend,

their problems, even your boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever, wife, husband, and

girlfriend, whatever, wife, husband, and they haven't thought things through. So

they haven't thought things through. So they just come to you and they're like,

they just come to you and they're like, they just start like vomiting all their

they just start like vomiting all their like concerns and you're like, I don't

like concerns and you're like, I don't know what I'm supposed to do with this.

know what I'm supposed to do with this. It's like some like

It's like some like downloading of some pile of anxiety and

downloading of some pile of anxiety and it's like your partner doesn't know what

it's like your partner doesn't know what to do with that.

to do with that. And OG spiral night is good. Just listen

And OG spiral night is good. Just listen helps a lot but sometimes it's not

helps a lot but sometimes it's not sufficient.

sufficient. So I think if you want to have an

So I think if you want to have an important conversation with your

important conversation with your partner, reflection is the first step.

partner, reflection is the first step. Organize your thoughts. Convey what you

Organize your thoughts. Convey what you want to convey.

want to convey. Ask the questions when you need. Figure

Ask the questions when you need. Figure out what information you need and ask

out what information you need and ask those questions.

those questions. Clarify what you want to say. Reflection

Clarify what you want to say. Reflection prior to conversation will enhance

prior to conversation will enhance conversations so much more because it

conversations so much more because it can get really frustrating when someone

can get really frustrating when someone else is thinking out loud, especially

else is thinking out loud, especially when it's problems in a relationship.

when it's problems in a relationship. When someone shows up and just starts

When someone shows up and just starts thinking out loud about problems with

thinking out loud about problems with you, that can be really hard to

you, that can be really hard to tolerate.

tolerate. and then you do this and then you do

and then you do this and then you do this and then you do this and then you

this and then you do this and then you do this and then you do this and you

do this and then you do this and you never do this and you never do that and

never do this and you never do that and it's like that's like that's how

it's like that's like that's how divorces are born.

And then I'm not saying you shouldn't talk to your partner about, hey, can you

talk to your partner about, hey, can you cut back on your pornography use? Why do

cut back on your pornography use? Why do you use pornography? It helps me. It

you use pornography? It helps me. It makes me feel really insecure. I feel

makes me feel really insecure. I feel less attractive than the people that

less attractive than the people that you're masturbating to. And they may

you're masturbating to. And they may have a different perspective on it.

have a different perspective on it. Right? Right. So, I I had a patient once

Right? Right. So, I I had a patient once who watched a certain kind of fetish

who watched a certain kind of fetish porn and the their partner did not want

porn and the their partner did not want to engage in that fetish.

So, this is where like, okay, I have a desire for something that makes me

desire for something that makes me sexually satisfied. I don't need you to

sexually satisfied. I don't need you to engage in it. I love you. I enjoy our

engage in it. I love you. I enjoy our sexual relationship. It's every once in

sexual relationship. It's every once in a while I I want to do this fetish.

a while I I want to do this fetish. And since you're not comfortable with

And since you're not comfortable with it, I would never ask you to do

it, I would never ask you to do something that you're not comfortable

something that you're not comfortable with. And at the same time, I have

with. And at the same time, I have certain needs. I don't really think it's

certain needs. I don't really think it's very harmful. Like, I just kind of do it

very harmful. Like, I just kind of do it every once in a while. You know, I'm not

every once in a while. You know, I'm not spending $30,000 on Only Fans. I'm not

spending $30,000 on Only Fans. I'm not forming emotional relationships. Does

forming emotional relationships. Does that work for you? And for each couple,

that work for you? And for each couple, that's going to be a separate answer.

that's going to be a separate answer. Right? For some people, it's going to be

Right? For some people, it's going to be okay. Like, let's figure out how to

okay. Like, let's figure out how to engage in that fetish. I want to be a

engage in that fetish. I want to be a part of it. For other people, it's going

part of it. For other people, it's going to be like, "Okay, you do your thing.

to be like, "Okay, you do your thing. I'm content. We can figure out some way

I'm content. We can figure out some way to have some happy medium where you do

to have some happy medium where you do your thing and then I we're going to

your thing and then I we're going to have a relationship that involves our

have a relationship that involves our sexual relationship." And there's many

sexual relationship." And there's many people, probably the majority of people,

people, probably the majority of people, who break up or divorce, tbh. Maybe

who break up or divorce, tbh. Maybe that's a sample size issue because I'm a

that's a sample size issue because I'm a psychiatrist. But most of the time, that

psychiatrist. But most of the time, that doesn't work out. TBH. I wish that it

doesn't work out. TBH. I wish that it did but it doesn't

did but it doesn't which is life. Great question.

Right. So knowing he lusts after women who are way different than his

who are way different than his girlfriend. So I think that's something

girlfriend. So I think that's something where you got to do some internal work

where you got to do some internal work and talk to that person about it.

and talk to that person about it. How do I figure out why I watch porn?

How do I figure out why I watch porn? What a great question.

What a great question. So if you want to figure out why you

So if you want to figure out why you watch porn, one really simple thing you

watch porn, one really simple thing you can do, don't watch it.

can do, don't watch it. As you don't watch porn, you will notice

As you don't watch porn, you will notice something arise within you.

Whatever that is will feel more uncomfortable as time goes on.

It'll feel deeply uncomfortable. And this is the thing. We don't know. So

this is the thing. We don't know. So there's there's a correlation between

there's there's a correlation between lack of selfawareness

lack of selfawareness and problematic pornography use. We are

and problematic pornography use. We are usually blind to this stuff.

usually blind to this stuff. A big part of this is often times

A big part of this is often times alexathyia which is emotional color

alexathyia which is emotional color blindness. You don't know what you're

blindness. You don't know what you're feeling. You just have these impulses.

feeling. You just have these impulses. You have drives but you don't know where

You have drives but you don't know where they're coming from. So if you're

they're coming from. So if you're alexathyic, there's one really

alexathyic, there's one really interesting thing that you can do. If

interesting thing that you can do. If you don't know why you watch porn, the

you don't know why you watch porn, the key thing is as you don't watch it,

key thing is as you don't watch it, whatever that signal is will get louder.

As the signal becomes louder, it will be easier to detect.

easier to detect. At the top of the list for why people

At the top of the list for why people watch porn and don't realize it,

watch porn and don't realize it, emotional regulation.

emotional regulation. So often times you are feeling anxious,

So often times you are feeling anxious, you're feeling overwhelmed. Your brain

you're feeling overwhelmed. Your brain needs a break from what it's focusing

needs a break from what it's focusing on.

on. It's a mental reset.

It's a mental reset. Second thing is self- stimulation,

Second thing is self- stimulation, boredom, lack of dopamine. So something

boredom, lack of dopamine. So something about your life feels empty. And to fill

about your life feels empty. And to fill up the void, we watch porn.

up the void, we watch porn. There's an inverse relation. And this

There's an inverse relation. And this isn't technically true, but functionally

isn't technically true, but functionally true. There's an inverse relationship

true. There's an inverse relationship between dopamine and serotonin. The more

between dopamine and serotonin. The more dopamine I activate in my nucleus

dopamine I activate in my nucleus encumbent, the less good I feel about my

encumbent, the less good I feel about my life. Serotonin gives us contentment.

life. Serotonin gives us contentment. Dopamine gives us pleasure. Usually,

Dopamine gives us pleasure. Usually, there's an inverse relationship between

there's an inverse relationship between these two things. If I spend a whole day

these two things. If I spend a whole day or a whole week engaging in pleasurable

or a whole week engaging in pleasurable activities, I usually don't feel content

activities, I usually don't feel content at the end of that.

at the end of that. If I work really hard, work my ass off

If I work really hard, work my ass off for a week and do something really feel

for a week and do something really feel really accomplished, my serotonin level

really accomplished, my serotonin level will be high, I will feel very content.

will be high, I will feel very content. But it's not like that was pleasurable.

But it's not like that was pleasurable. So often times the reason that we fall

So often times the reason that we fall into pornography is because we don't

into pornography is because we don't feel content enough in life. If we don't

feel content enough in life. If we don't feel content and we feel empty, we will

feel content and we feel empty, we will fill that void up with dopamine.

Okay. So, those are usually the two most common things.

How do I stop seeking validation when being rejected multiple times? After

being rejected multiple times? After all, validation is a part of a healthy

all, validation is a part of a healthy relationship. Okay. How do you stop

relationship. Okay. How do you stop seeking validation after being rejected

seeking validation after being rejected multiple times? So this is the once

multiple times? So this is the once again the problem.

See if you are seeking validation you feel uncomfortable in your you feel

you feel uncomfortable in your you feel discontent in yourself.

discontent in yourself. Right? So validation is I feel this way.

Right? So validation is I feel this way. I don't feel great about this. I need

I don't feel great about this. I need someone else to tell me this is okay to

someone else to tell me this is okay to feel.

feel. I don't feel good.

I don't feel good. Tell me I'm not crazy. Give me

Tell me I'm not crazy. Give me permission to feel this way. That's what

permission to feel this way. That's what validation is about. It is about

validation is about. It is about permission to feel the way that you feel

permission to feel the way that you feel because you doubt. You don't give

because you doubt. You don't give yourself permission. You're like, "Am I

yourself permission. You're like, "Am I crazy? Is this okay?" And when when

crazy? Is this okay?" And when when someone else validates you, they're

someone else validates you, they're like, "Yeah, it's okay. It's hard. It's

like, "Yeah, it's okay. It's hard. It's hard." You know, like I would be

hard." You know, like I would be struggling, too. We feel really good.

struggling, too. We feel really good. So, generally speaking, yogis don't need

So, generally speaking, yogis don't need validation. That's why they sit in the

validation. That's why they sit in the Himalayas and in caves. They're just

Himalayas and in caves. They're just chilling.

chilling. So validation is only necessary when you

So validation is only necessary when you don't feel good about yourself.

don't feel good about yourself. Right? If I if I feel like leaving this

Right? If I if I feel like leaving this job is the right thing to do and I feel

job is the right thing to do and I feel centered, I feel tranquil, I don't need

centered, I feel tranquil, I don't need anyone else's tell me it was okay or not

anyone else's tell me it was okay or not okay.

okay. So the core need is that if you don't

So the core need is that if you don't validate yourself, you need it from

validate yourself, you need it from somebody else. If you don't feel good

somebody else. If you don't feel good about it in here, that's where it really

about it in here, that's where it really comes from.

comes from. The cool thing is that once you feel

The cool thing is that once you feel centered in here, other people can

centered in here, other people can reject you and not give you your

reject you and not give you your validation and you don't need it

validation and you don't need it anymore.

anymore. The problem isn't that people reject you

The problem isn't that people reject you so you need their validation.

so you need their validation. When you get tied up requiring

When you get tied up requiring validation from outside of you, that is

validation from outside of you, that is when you become sensitive to rejection

when you become sensitive to rejection because then they hold the power of

because then they hold the power of making you feel okay or not okay. It

making you feel okay or not okay. It becomes a vicious cycle.

becomes a vicious cycle. So find that internal contentment with

So find that internal contentment with yourself and validation can be a useful

yourself and validation can be a useful way to build that over time in some

way to build that over time in some cases, right? So if I like get dumped my

cases, right? So if I like get dumped my by by my boyfriend and then I'm like,

by by my boyfriend and then I'm like, "Oh my god, like this guy is kind of an

"Oh my god, like this guy is kind of an asshole." And then my my friends are

asshole." And then my my friends are very validating. They're like, "Yeah, he

very validating. They're like, "Yeah, he is an [ __ ] Yeah, he is an asshole."

is an [ __ ] Yeah, he is an asshole." It can sort of validation can sometimes

It can sort of validation can sometimes um coalesce a belief I have and then

um coalesce a belief I have and then once it becomes coalesed within me, then

once it becomes coalesed within me, then I feel secure. So, it's not that

I feel secure. So, it's not that validation is bad. It can it can cement

validation is bad. It can it can cement your self-esteem.

your self-esteem. It generally speaking has that effect.

But then we've got to be super careful because if we are relying on it to

because if we are relying on it to cement our self-esteem,

cement our self-esteem, then we become victims to other people's

then we become victims to other people's validation or lack of validation. So, we

validation or lack of validation. So, we lose power.

lose power. And that's where I think you've got a

And that's where I think you've got a couple of options,

couple of options, right? So option number one.

So after all, validation is part of a healthy relationship, right? So if

healthy relationship, right? So if you're in a relationship with someone

you're in a relationship with someone where they are not validating,

where they are not validating, then you should re-examine that. And

then you should re-examine that. And this is the tricky thing. Re-examine

this is the tricky thing. Re-examine doesn't mean they need to validate you

doesn't mean they need to validate you more. Maybe they're validating you

more. Maybe they're validating you plenty. So, I had a patient once with

plenty. So, I had a patient once with body dysmorphia

body dysmorphia and their partner went insane trying to

and their partner went insane trying to validate them because no amount of

validate them because no amount of validation was enough.

validation was enough. I've had patients with BPD who have

I've had patients with BPD who have abandonment fears whose partners go

abandonment fears whose partners go insane trying to tell them, "Hey, I'm

insane trying to tell them, "Hey, I'm not leaving. No, you're going to leave.

not leaving. No, you're going to leave. Hey, I'm not leaving. You're going to

Hey, I'm not leaving. You're going to leave. I'm not leaving. You're going to

leave. I'm not leaving. You're going to leave. I'm trying to demonstrate my

leave. I'm trying to demonstrate my commitment. Not enough.

commitment. Not enough. you're going to leave me. [ __ ] it. I

you're going to leave me. [ __ ] it. I don't know how to win. I'm out. I don't

don't know how to win. I'm out. I don't know how to make you happy.

know how to make you happy. Right? So, you've got to be really

Right? So, you've got to be really careful. How much do they validate you?

careful. How much do they validate you? What's their perspective? Are they being

What's their perspective? Are they being [ __ ] or is your validation too your

[ __ ] or is your validation too your need for validation too deep of a pit? I

need for validation too deep of a pit? I don't know.

Both are options. Maybe you're dating an ass. Maybe you're way too insecure.

It's hard to say. So I check out some stuff around some

So I check out some stuff around some scars ego. Like how is your ego? How do

scars ego. Like how is your ego? How do you feel about yourself? Do you feel

you feel about yourself? Do you feel about yourself? Pretty like you feel

about yourself? Pretty like you feel pretty good about yourself most days

pretty good about yourself most days and then you're just married to someone

and then you're just married to someone who's kind of like self-absorbed and

who's kind of like self-absorbed and can't doesn't have empathy. Then like

can't doesn't have empathy. Then like move the [ __ ] on. Or actually don't move

move the [ __ ] on. Or actually don't move the [ __ ] on. I don't like that answer.

the [ __ ] on. I don't like that answer. So I think the other big mistake that we

So I think the other big mistake that we make is

make is see everyone in the dating world is like

see everyone in the dating world is like if they don't have this move the [ __ ] on

if they don't have this move the [ __ ] on which is where like if you've got a

which is where like if you've got a pretty good partner who has some

pretty good partner who has some fundamental flaws like giving them some

fundamental flaws like giving them some time to work on it I think is the best

time to work on it I think is the best way to find a good relationship.

way to find a good relationship. Give them some time to work on it. Like

Give them some time to work on it. Like I was I mean if my wife listened to the

I was I mean if my wife listened to the dating advice on the internet we

dating advice on the internet we wouldn't be married today bro. She

wouldn't be married today bro. She started dating me. I was [ __ ] college

started dating me. I was [ __ ] college dropout, no money.

dropout, no money. I didn't think I was very physically

I didn't think I was very physically attractive. I guess she disagreed, but

attractive. I guess she disagreed, but whatever.

whatever. You know, I was like a quintessential

You know, I was like a quintessential loser. Like, you check the box. You take

loser. Like, you check the box. You take your p pick of any alpha male podcast.

your p pick of any alpha male podcast. You take your pick of any like feminist

You take your pick of any like feminist whatever like girl power podcast,

whatever like girl power podcast, the one thing they agree on is that

the one thing they agree on is that loser dudes are losers. It's kind of

loser dudes are losers. It's kind of weird, right? Like that's the one place

weird, right? Like that's the one place they agree.

they agree. Don't date a [ __ ] loser. Don't be a

Don't date a [ __ ] loser. Don't be a [ __ ] I was a loser. And thankfully my

[ __ ] I was a loser. And thankfully my wife gave me a chance to like, you know,

wife gave me a chance to like, you know, step the [ __ ] up. And she was crushing

step the [ __ ] up. And she was crushing it. She started working when she was 16.

it. She started working when she was 16. Been working for 20 plus years straight.

Been working for 20 plus years straight. Had her [ __ ] together, had good grades,

Had her [ __ ] together, had good grades, had her own apartment, had her own car,

had her own apartment, had her own car, was hot, is hot,

was hot, is hot, you know, does pretty well. like she had

you know, does pretty well. like she had it all and I was like a loser. And so

it all and I was like a loser. And so then I was dating her and I was like,

then I was dating her and I was like, "Okay, this is [ __ ] pathetic. I

"Okay, this is [ __ ] pathetic. I really got to up my game to be like

really got to up my game to be like worthy of dating this woman." So I

worthy of dating this woman." So I [ __ ] upped my game is what I did. So

[ __ ] upped my game is what I did. So I think give people a chance to up their

I think give people a chance to up their game. She was also really patient with

game. She was also really patient with me. She wasn't She never said, this is

me. She wasn't She never said, this is the crazy thing I'm blows me away. She

the crazy thing I'm blows me away. She never said, "Hey, you need to do

never said, "Hey, you need to do better." Like I that blows my mind. She

better." Like I that blows my mind. She was never like, "You're a [ __ ] loser.

was never like, "You're a [ __ ] loser. You need to get your [ __ ] together

You need to get your [ __ ] together years, not once."

So, she was just supportive. And so, now it's like, damn. So, I I think we got to

it's like, damn. So, I I think we got to give people that those chances. Got to

give people that those chances. Got to give losers a chance to grow the [ __ ]

give losers a chance to grow the [ __ ] up. And this is what makes it so hard is

up. And this is what makes it so hard is like, if you give them a chance and

like, if you give them a chance and you're dating a loser, like those are

you're dating a loser, like those are years of your life that are gone.

years of your life that are gone. years of your life that you invest in

years of your life that you invest in this loser

this loser and that's a big price. She paid it and

and that's a big price. She paid it and that's why we have the relationship we

that's why we have the relationship we have today.

have today. And it's like we kind of want to make

And it's like we kind of want to make sure that we're not going to waste years

sure that we're not going to waste years of our life. I think you got to waste

of our life. I think you got to waste years of your life on losers if you want

years of your life on losers if you want to find love.

And so then how do you know who to invest in? I think it's people who take

invest in? I think it's people who take it in their hearts to want to do right

it in their hearts to want to do right by you. People who take it in their

by you. People who take it in their hearts that they want to be better. Even

hearts that they want to be better. Even if they struggle, even if they watch

if they struggle, even if they watch porn, even if they play video games,

porn, even if they play video games, people who like in their hearts are

people who like in their hearts are invested in in trying to do better.

All right. There's a great question about am I experiencing a placebo effect

about am I experiencing a placebo effect or is my increased proactivity during

or is my increased proactivity during long long abstensions real? I'm working

long long abstensions real? I'm working on a on a lecture on

on a on a lecture on Hello. You're so cute though. Okay. She

Hello. You're so cute though. Okay. She apparently has been watching. I watched

apparently has been watching. I watched for a little bit because the contractor

for a little bit because the contractor Okay. Don't talk about yours.

Okay. Don't talk about yours. Okay. Why not? Nobody talks about Okay.

Okay. Why not? Nobody talks about Okay. I She says I shouldn't talk about myself

I She says I shouldn't talk about myself like that. Go ahead. Bye. I I feel

like that. Go ahead. Bye. I I feel secure. I'm okay. She's

secure. I'm okay. She's protective, but I'm I'm fine.

protective, but I'm I'm fine. I don't I can [ __ ] on myself. And it's

I don't I can [ __ ] on myself. And it's not like I hope you all could tell like

not like I hope you all could tell like I don't feel bad about myself. It's

I don't feel bad about myself. It's appreciation. And look, like sometimes

appreciation. And look, like sometimes we suck in life. Like that's not, you

we suck in life. Like that's not, you know, like we got to admit it. Like we

know, like we got to admit it. Like we can't be like, "Oh yeah, no." Like, "Oh,

can't be like, "Oh yeah, no." Like, "Oh, like everything is okay. Like you'll

like everything is okay. Like you'll you're great and you're doing an awesome

you're great and you're doing an awesome job." Like no, no. Sometimes I'm doing a

job." Like no, no. Sometimes I'm doing a shitty job in life. Sometimes I

shitty job in life. Sometimes I stream and it's terrible and sometimes

stream and it's terrible and sometimes like and that's okay,

you know? Like it's okay. Like this is where everyone's like, "Oh, don't like

where everyone's like, "Oh, don't like don't talk." so bad about yourself. And

don't talk." so bad about yourself. And it's like this is the thing. I think we

it's like this is the thing. I think we should live in a world or just me. I

should live in a world or just me. I think instead of not talking poorly

think instead of not talking poorly about oursel, we need to

about oursel, we need to be okay with it. Like we have to be able

be okay with it. Like we have to be able to admit, hey, sometimes I suck at

to admit, hey, sometimes I suck at things. And that's okay. And it doesn't

things. And that's okay. And it doesn't mean I'm going to suck at things for the

mean I'm going to suck at things for the rest of my life. This is not my destiny.

rest of my life. This is not my destiny. But this is a problem. And it's a real

But this is a problem. And it's a real problem. And I'm really bad at it. And

problem. And I'm really bad at it. And that's okay.

And I totally get that she's like loving and protective and all that kind of

and protective and all that kind of stuff, but like I mean I still suck at

stuff, but like I mean I still suck at stuff.

stuff. You just don't have to get your ego

You just don't have to get your ego invested in it, right? You can admit

invested in it, right? You can admit that like look.

that like look. The reason I suck at this is because I

The reason I suck at this is because I haven't tried a whole lot or my brain

haven't tried a whole lot or my brain doesn't work in a great way or I don't

doesn't work in a great way or I don't exert the right effort or I don't have

exert the right effort or I don't have experience. You don't have to take it

experience. You don't have to take it personally. It doesn't have to become a

personally. It doesn't have to become a the suck doesn't have to be a part of

the suck doesn't have to be a part of your identity. It can just be an

your identity. It can just be an attribute of like, oh, I have like I'm

attribute of like, oh, I have like I'm level one in speechcraft.

level one in speechcraft. I suck at socializing with people. So be

I suck at socializing with people. So be it.

it. Right? That doesn't define you as who

Right? That doesn't define you as who you are. It is a competence that you

you are. It is a competence that you lack.

lack. And so if you all suck at something,

And so if you all suck at something, that's okay.

that's okay. The problem is when you make being bad

The problem is when you make being bad at something your destiny, it is like,

at something your destiny, it is like, "Oh,

"Oh, I suck and forever more I will suck. I

I suck and forever more I will suck. I will be terrible for the rest of my

will be terrible for the rest of my life. It is determined. It has been

life. It is determined. It has been seen. It has been written in the stars.

seen. It has been written in the stars. I know astrology is [ __ ] But my

I know astrology is [ __ ] But my inability to date that is been foreseen.

inability to date that is been foreseen. It has been prophesized. I have seen the

It has been prophesized. I have seen the prophecy in my mind. Forever I will be

prophecy in my mind. Forever I will be alone for the rest of my life. You do

alone for the rest of my life. You do not know. I'm 19 years old and I've

not know. I'm 19 years old and I've never had a girlfriend. I'm 21. I've

never had a girlfriend. I'm 21. I've never had a girlfriend. I'm 40. I've

never had a girlfriend. I'm 40. I've never had girlfriend. It will be for the

never had girlfriend. It will be for the rest of my life.

Right? And I think that your future is determined by your actions

determined by your actions and your karma.

and your karma. Your circumstances can kick your ass.

And I don't think they form your destiny, right? So you can't control

destiny, right? So you can't control your circumstances. You can only control

your circumstances. You can only control how much you respond to them. And there

how much you respond to them. And there is a huge debate. I hope to stream next

is a huge debate. I hope to stream next week on internal versus external

week on internal versus external motivation. And it's wild,

motivation. And it's wild, right? Because there's a ton of people

right? Because there's a ton of people out there who are they're like, there's

out there who are they're like, there's nothing I can do. I've tried everything.

nothing I can do. I've tried everything. Nothing is working.

And like I think they're not wrong, but also they're not right.

also they're not right. I've tried everything, nothing has

I've tried everything, nothing has worked. And that like presumes that

worked. And that like presumes that trying the same thing again will have

trying the same thing again will have the same result.

the same result. Presumes that the circumstances are

Presumes that the circumstances are exactly the same.

exactly the same. The only thing that really leads to

The only thing that really leads to failure

failure is giving up.

Right? So that's that's when the probability of success. People will say,

probability of success. People will say, "Oh my god, Dr. K, that's not true. The

"Oh my god, Dr. K, that's not true. The probability of success drops to zero

probability of success drops to zero when you stop trying." That is the only

when you stop trying." That is the only definitive thing that leads to failure.

definitive thing that leads to failure. Now, is the probability of success zero

Now, is the probability of success zero if you exert 100% effort? Maybe. I don't

if you exert 100% effort? Maybe. I don't know. But neither do you.

know. But neither do you. You don't know. Maybe the thousand

You don't know. Maybe the thousand and1st person you ask on a date will say

and1st person you ask on a date will say yes. You do not know. You cannot predict

yes. You do not know. You cannot predict the future.

the future. Is the likelihood of probability low?

Is the likelihood of probability low? Absolutely. But then there are things

Absolutely. But then there are things you can do to increase the probability.

you can do to increase the probability. But we don't think about those as much.

But we don't think about those as much. And a lot of people do. They try

And a lot of people do. They try everything. They're like, I tried this.

everything. They're like, I tried this. I tried this. I tried this and nothing

I tried this. I tried this and nothing works

works even then. Like the reason I believe

even then. Like the reason I believe this stuff is not because I think y'all

this stuff is not because I think y'all are wrong. It's just I have had too many

are wrong. It's just I have had too many experiences of people being hopeless and

experiences of people being hopeless and have given up on life where they get

have given up on life where they get their [ __ ] together. Like it's wild.

That's why I believe because I've seen it happen again and again and again and

it happen again and again and again and again.

Where can I find a spark? What a beautiful question.

beautiful question. I'll tell you where you find your spark.

I'll tell you where you find your spark. Stop extinguishing it.

Stop extinguishing it. That's where you find a spark.

That's where you find a spark. There are so many things that you do

There are so many things that you do throughout the day that extinguish your

throughout the day that extinguish your spark,

right? And it's not your fault that you do them, but you give in to what the

do them, but you give in to what the circumstances of the world push you to

circumstances of the world push you to do. You have the [ __ ] spark. It's

do. You have the [ __ ] spark. It's just it's so hard to keep it going. You

just it's so hard to keep it going. You don't have to find it. Just stop

don't have to find it. Just stop extinguishing it. Whether that's not

extinguishing it. Whether that's not playing a video game like I I think just

playing a video game like I I think just spending time with yourself. We get

spending time with yourself. We get burned down by work and relationships

burned down by work and relationships and family drama and all this kind of

and family drama and all this kind of [ __ ] It's so easy. And then when we get

[ __ ] It's so easy. And then when we get ground down, right, we're the ones I

ground down, right, we're the ones I don't know if this makes sense. It's not

don't know if this makes sense. It's not that they kill your spark. They wear you

that they kill your spark. They wear you down so much that you take your big ass

down so much that you take your big ass foot and you stomp down on whatever hope

foot and you stomp down on whatever hope or dreams you have left.

or dreams you have left. Because when you're looking at the world

Because when you're looking at the world and there's too many mountains to climb,

and there's too many mountains to climb, you don't have time for the one thing

you don't have time for the one thing that you love. Cuz you got to work, you

that you love. Cuz you got to work, you got to pay bills, you got to work out,

got to pay bills, you got to work out, you got to do your laundry, you got to

you got to do your laundry, you got to work on certifications, the existential

work on certifications, the existential threat of AI, everything is falling

threat of AI, everything is falling apart. I don't have time for this.

that despair, that sense of being overwhelmed.

that sense of being overwhelmed. You think you can't find it, but you're

You think you can't find it, but you're the one that killed it. You're the one

the one that killed it. You're the one that steps on it every single day. When

that steps on it every single day. When midnight rolls around and you're

midnight rolls around and you're thinking to yourself, "Oh my god,

thinking to yourself, "Oh my god, tomorrow is going to be different." Why

tomorrow is going to be different." Why the [ __ ] do you say tomorrow instead of

the [ __ ] do you say tomorrow instead of now?

now? Tomorrow I'm going to get up and I'm

Tomorrow I'm going to get up and I'm going to work. Get the [ __ ] up now. And

going to work. Get the [ __ ] up now. And then you'll say, "But then I'm going to

then you'll say, "But then I'm going to be tired for work." Be tired for work,

to like building your life comes at a price, a

building your life comes at a price, a very high price. That's why people don't

very high price. That's why people don't do it. Everyone's like, "Oh, live the

do it. Everyone's like, "Oh, live the life of your dreams." No, living the

life of your dreams." No, living the life of your dreams sucks.

life of your dreams sucks. Living the life of your dreams means in

Living the life of your dreams means in your weekends, nights, in the minutes

your weekends, nights, in the minutes that you have left when you're taking a

that you have left when you're taking a dump on the toilet instead of like

dump on the toilet instead of like watching Instagram, you have to like put

watching Instagram, you have to like put leave your phone behind. So, you've got

leave your phone behind. So, you've got seven more minutes that you have now

seven more minutes that you have now that you're going to do a tiny bit of

that you're going to do a tiny bit of administrative work. So, you're going to

administrative work. So, you're going to you're going to carve this. It's like

you're going to carve this. It's like escaping from prison with like a fork

escaping from prison with like a fork and tunneling through the wall. Building

and tunneling through the wall. Building the life of your dreams comes at a very

the life of your dreams comes at a very high price.

high price. The reason it comes at such a high price

The reason it comes at such a high price is because while you are trying to build

is because while you are trying to build the life of your dreams, you have to

the life of your dreams, you have to live a life of your nightmares every

live a life of your nightmares every single day. You have to build two lives.

single day. You have to build two lives. Here's the life of my nightmares that I

Here's the life of my nightmares that I exist in now that I have to survive

exist in now that I have to survive while I am building the life of my

while I am building the life of my dreams. And the only way to do it is

dreams. And the only way to do it is with sweat and toil and suffering.

The road to heaven looks like hell. And the road to hell is paved with good

the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

All right. If you're going to start now, I'm going to peace out. So, got to be

I'm going to peace out. So, got to be honest with y'all.

honest with y'all. Y'all are fired up. Y'all are juiced up.

Y'all are fired up. Y'all are juiced up. I'm wiped. So, I'mma play a little bit

I'm wiped. So, I'mma play a little bit of Dune Awakening, maybe take a nap,

of Dune Awakening, maybe take a nap, and then tomorrow morning, I'm going to

and then tomorrow morning, I'm going to work get up and I'm going to work my ass

work get up and I'm going to work my ass off. But I think I've deserved I've

off. But I think I've deserved I've earned a break. So, I'mma take it if

earned a break. So, I'mma take it if that's cool with y'all.

that's cool with y'all. And um you know sometimes you just get

And um you know sometimes you just get eaten by the sandworm and that's what it

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Can You Make P*rn Healthy?