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Fears & Failures // SIDE HUSSELEN no.15

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hi there um there's a there's a machine

running in there that you can probably

hear in the background and my pc is

on which i usually turn it off when i'm

recording because

trying to have nicer audio but this is a

more casual space here on side hustle

and so

i hope you can forgive me and also i

failed to get a video up last week which

was not intentional i promise

so um i hope you can forgive me for that

one too i have been working on a new

lookbook which you will be seeing on thursday

thursday

but i kind of crashed and burned trying

to edit it last week get it all done on

time on for my deadline and i missed my deadline

deadline

um and so i decided to take the time to

truly finish it the way i wanted it

i wanted to and to upload that video

that was supposed to be last week's video

video

on this thursday instead so you'll be

seeing a new lookbook on thursday

but before that i have a little bit of a

strange other video for you here which

is to say

hello there and welcome to side hustle

and a sort of different series here on

my channel that may be new to some of

you i feel like there are quite a few

new people since

may which is the last time i've made a

video like this so if you are new to

this series of mine here on the channel

you might be like what the heck is this weird

weird

existential like over the top

over dramatic weirdly poetic video

uh stream of consciousness kind of diary

entry sort of vlog

thing um that's kind of what my side

hustle and series is

basically i started documenting my like journey

journey

doing side hustles in the sense of like

doing youtube as a job or trying to do

youtube as a job

back a couple years ago when i was still

building my channel not that i'm not

doing that now

but um so i've just kind of documented

my progress growing my

channel my business my brand

as it were um and also my fiction

writing career which

i don't really have one yet but um we're

working on it

and eventually we we may get there but i

just wanted to hop on on the start of

this video and say hello and kind of

introduce it a little bit just because

it has been a while since i did a side

hustle and for anyone new to the series

um it makes more sense if you start at

the beginning

then just see this video out of context

probably but

here i am hello here's a little diary

entry from me

[Music] [Laughter]

[Laughter] [Music]

[Music] so

why do we love gardens so much

a wild of our own design contained

ordered chosen walled-in

safe usually i visit these gardens

several times in summer

this year just the once

masked distanced timed

but still lovely the bees didn't seem to

have noted any difference but i could

feel it

in this safe place one designed to be beautiful

beautiful

fear feels quite familiar to me in its

own way

even if it comes in ever new and

exciting flavors now

i've been outside little this year wants

to these gardens to see

summer and once to the wild

to see fall [Music]

[Music] so

[Music]

everyone says this year has been different

different

nature hasn't noticed i went to check

i almost recommend it [Music]

visiting the grandest nature nearby hell just

just

leaving the house at all at this point

offers a perspective being indoors

in your head all the time constantly

does not

nothing is big compared to the ocean i

am insignificant

to a mountain to nature success is not

monetary or determined by algorithms or

defined by what other people can think

of you

it is survival all you have to do

to succeed is to survive and if that's

not a 20 20 mood then

i don't know what is [Music]

[Music]

hi me again uh i told you this was going

to be a more

nebulous pretentious sort of

weird poetry slash diary entry

kind of video um it happens sometimes

here on side hustling

and uh actually i think i could try and

talk about

the other things i wanted the other

things i want to say today but i think

it's actually just gonna be better

if i read my notes so please forgive me

i'm gonna switch over back to some nature

nature

and maybe cats um while i just go ahead

and read you my notes

in a more scripted format today

in some ways side hustling is always

about fear

because while for a lot of people i

think their biggest fear is

being alone ending up alone dying alone

or whatever

my biggest fear is not being successful

and so far i haven't been

of course what does that mean what

success means is different to every

person but to me it means

not being in debt thank you student loans

loans

having a stable financial situation and

a home of my own that

can't be taken away from me that's how i

define success

and never reaching that definition of

success of independent stability is what i

fear most at my very core it's not necessarily

necessarily

always my most pressing desire or want i

want to write

i want a cookie i want my business to

grow i want to try

dating because so what i want from day

to day hour to hour can vary

but what i fear most is never reaching

success never attaining sustainable

independence and security

so because i have not achieved my

personal definition of success quote unquote

unquote

i feel i must be failing after all if

you're not succeeding

you are failing and it does kind of suck

to feel like every day that goes by

where i haven't won the lottery is some

sort of personal failure

a failure in my very self as a person

that i've like worked hard and i didn't

get where i wanted to go ergo

my best must not be enough and i must

not be enough

somehow i still have it very drilled

into the bones of my person that a

certain level of wealth

security and yes even outside of claim

and validation even are what

give a person value and therefore

without those things i

don't have any value i think it's a

common fear

perhaps a little bit less common than

the classic unless somebody else wants

me i must be worthless chestnut

i mean i couldn't care less if i end up

quote unquote alone in a shack in the woods

woods

as long as it's my shack and no one can

come kick me out of it which is still

of course an incorrect mindset naturally

i think i have a lot of trouble

understanding rest

how much is like allowed the structure

of a school system

gives you set times this many hours in

class and you get this much time for resets

resets

recess or lunch this many hours in

school than this many hours at home

even in the workplace you get like a 15

minute break or a lunch break which

we're fought for and not naturally a

guaranteed thing by the way but when

you're working for yourself

you can technically have as much rest as

you'd like except

every minute you feel bad about it so

determining how much

rest i am allowed or need can or

should take is not easy for me an odd

thing about my job is is that it's not

really competitive there can be many

people making similar content but

technically there's an

infinite amount of room for all in small

variances channel channel and person to

person mean there's a variety for everyone

everyone

so as a creator i'm never competing with

other creators i'm

fighting a robot i really do think

anyone who says they completely

understand the algorithm and can

manipulate it is

kind of kidding themselves because even

the people who design these things don't have

have

like necessarily full control over them

anymore or seem able to say exactly how

they work

but my career and therefore livelihood

or lack thereof is still at the

whim of a robot there are things i could

do to please that robot like

be shouty or negative and such because

that is

the kind of flash bang the robot seems

to like but

2020 needs no more negativity does it

it's got enough

on its own and the thing about the

platform and trends is

is that they can be updated and changed

all the time

so really all i can do is focus on

making things that i would want to see

things i like

improving my own work as much as i can

and hoping the robot

randomly chooses to show anyone the resulting

resulting

projects the trouble is in the last few

months i have attempted to increase the

quality of my work

without going ahead and increasing the

amount of time i give myself

to complete it oops at some point higher

quality does come down to taking more time

time

getting more b-roll footage getting more

than one take or

different camera angle writing a script

just versus

live commentating segment which is this

is kind of a mix of those

and of course the more involved or

complex a particular project is the more

steps there are to film and then discuss

because videos must go up weekly a part

of the algorithm i

do pay respect to um

usually uh it can leave me feeling very

rushed to get it all done in the nick of time

time

as opposed to having the leisurely

timeline of oh if that shot wasn't quite

centered i can do it again or

i should film another take from above or

i would like to give myself more

time but i also need to take more time

to rest so where am i supposed to find

all this time

i'm always talking about me needing more

of it and i still haven't discovered how

to create it from

the ether it is still so easy for me to

dismiss my own work

and worth i just make silly little

sewing videos and the world is a

dumpster fire

however i need youtube videos to survive

not that i need to make them to survive

i i need to watch them to survive

yep i watch a lot of youtube or listen

at the very least

ergo by making youtube videos i may be

helping someone else who also needs that

moment of escape

therefore my work is not useless and

it has value i know my work has value to

me but that is not enough to feel secure

and i also need my work to create value

for me too

aka make money so i can pay for

dental appointments and give banks money

for the education i felt was mandatory

but shouldn't have

maybe been so and hopefully one day have

my own place to live

in slash at but i also feel like my work

should have value to other people as

well because

otherwise it feels selfish and there's a

balance in there somewhere between all

of these things but i think the natural

inclination or at least

my natural inclination is to feel that

because i'm not seeing the

say financial return associated with full-on

full-on

wild success and recognition that i must

not have

the kind of value to others that would justify

justify

me spending my time

making art i suppose but again that's

not how anything actually works

assigning more value to numbers than

they deserve is bad

but we also crave a good number because

we are conditioned to rating systems

getting a grade

it's easy to feel like your bank account

or your debt balance is your report card

and that without the right marks you are

failing at life

but your life is not a book report or a

chemistry exam

and the numbers just don't tell the

whole story these kind of thoughts are

something that i have been struggling

with for over a decade

and so talk about a lot here inside

heslin i think i repeat

these revelations again and again for

myself because i must

until they finally stick sink in

i believe people have an inherent value

whether they are quote unquote productive

productive

or successful or not but i still

struggle to extend that belief to myself

i doubt i am alone in this 2020 is an

interesting set of fears

but we you and i

we are not going to give up

thank you all for watching this video

today especially if you got

this far into this video i know it's

very different from my other content but

i just like to kind of keep a diary

vlog entry for myself hopefully you know

as i always say

um in these videos hopefully in the

future i'll be able to look

back on these as the before times before i

had achieved some of my goals that i'm

hoping to eventually

achieve and i can look back on little me

now and know that i've

gotten somewhere in some ways and thank

you for coming along on that ride with me

and i will see you all again for a real

video real soon

bye an extra special thank you to che

karina ellen carroll lynn

margaret maria nancy rhonda

swingularity brianne lacey and beatrice

thank you so much for your support

thank you to all of my patrons and thank

you to all of you who watch these videos [Music]

[Music] you

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