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Dr K: We Are Producing Millions Of Lonely, Addicted, Purposeless Men & Women!
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this is the whole problem that everyone
makes anytime we have a problem the
first thing that we do is we try to jump
to a solution if I'm unhappy in life I
need to make more money if I'm
struggling with dating I need to be
sexier it's a concept that I call toxic
Fuel and that will never work because if
I give you a glass of water and then I
piss it and then I add sugar it doesn't
remove the piss because no amount of
building something good will remove
something bad in order to change
Behavior what you need to do is save
treat Dr K is the Harvard trained
psychiatrist and former monks
specializing in modern mental health
blending Neuroscience with real life
wisdom to help millions of people unlock
their true potential there's a
loneliness epidemic social anxiety is
increasing and falling in love seems
harder but we have all the answers the
problem is that everyone is doing the
wrong things now first of all talking
about our problems can absolutely make
things worse because there's a
particular way we have to talk but we're
not taught how to do that the second
thing is that we are struggling to fall
in love and that's actually because
we're exhausting our dopamine through
things like devices yeah people don't
realize and then the in social anxiety
is because everyone is texting so the
parts of our brain that reassure Us in
social situations are starting to rust
so there are core things that we have to
start doing so the first is that Dr K
why don't people achieve their goals now
this is really interesting there are two
kinds of people in life there are people
who like I'm going to advance towards my
goals and then there are the rest of us
who are like you know I'm trying to be
like these people who are productive but
I'm going to do nothing and Trauma is
the big difference here really yeah and
this is what tends to happen so
question if you could sit at a table
with any four guests from the dire of
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[Music]
together Dr K if you had to
summarize what you do for people
people
professionally how would you summarize
it I help them understand themselves and
now expand for me what that
means yeah so so here's the thing right
so there are two great Traditions that
have taught us
about how humans work one tradition is
spirituality which we've had for a
couple thousand years the other
tradition is science which we've seen an
explosion of especially in the fields of
like neuroscience and Psychiatry over
the last 20 years and so these are the
two places that human beings learn about
themselves so when I work with someone
what I try to do is draw on both of
those traditions and I especially focus
on the area of spirituality that has scientific
scientific
verification and teach people people
like how they work so in the same way
that if we think about like you know
when you buy a car you have like a
manual that is in the glove compartment
that tells you what everything is and
how it works the problem is that in life
like we don't have that manual for
ourselves but we do have these two great
Traditions that can teach us so much
about this stuff and so what I try to do
is basically translate those two
Traditions to an individual the
situation they face the challenges they
face and the goals that they want to
achieve and what experiences and work
are you drawing on to arrive at the
conclusions and the support that you
give people what have you done in your
life what experiences have you had how
many patients have you seen the first
experience that I draw on is my own so I
struggled a lot in high school college
failed out of college was addicted to
video games had no idea what I wanted to
do with my life then I went to India at
the age of 21 to find myself and I found
myself I spent about seven years
studying to become a monk um so that was
very very formative in helping me see
how human beings work but then I was
really like kind of skeptical a lot of a
lot of that stuff so I started doing
Neuroscience research for a couple years
I had a couple of spiritual experiences
and I was super curious like what is
happening in the brain I'm starting to
change as a human being but like that
has to be at a neuroscientific level as
well then I ended up going to medical
school so I I was thinking about how can
I learn the most about human beings so
consider doing like a PhD in
Neuroscience But ultimately went the
medical route because you know the brain
exists within the body um became a a
doctor um became a psychiatrist because
the mind was my favorite organ um
trained at Harvard Medical School where
I was faculty for a few years and then
you know over the last couple of years
have focused a lot on addiction
Psychiatry and also like
performance-based stuff so once we understand
understand
okay I once had a patient for example
who came in after about 2 and a half
years and was like Dr K I'm still
depressed and then I assessed them right
so when when someone has like a mood
disorder they have like depression which
causes them problems in their
professional life causes them problems
in their personal life and I ask them
are you having problems in your
professional life and they're like no
are you having problems in your personal
life they're like no but I still feel
the same and that's when I told them I
said Mike you're not depressed you're
unhappy and there's a difference and
then he turned to me and he's like well
what do we do about that and I was like
I don't know but let's see if we can
figure it out so really the work that I
do is on that whole Continuum of
pathology where something within you is
broken but then going from negative 100
to zero is what medicine does right a
doctor is not going to help you become
healthy they are going to remove
sickness and then from zero to positive
100 is when we really draw on things
like spiritual traditions because
meditation if you look at like the
teachings of the Buddha the Buddha was
not using mindfulness to treat social
anxiety to disorder he was using
mindfulness to attain Enlightenment to
attain the heights of human Perfection
and so that whole Continuum is where I
work it's so interesting you mentioned
there the case of Mike he came to you
and he had self- diagnosed his situation
and I'm not surprised frankly because of
the world we live in now there's a lot
of people calling a lot of things
depression and anxiety we kind of Ed
that word quite flippantly when we go
through different moods and situations
how do you think the whole Mental Health
and psychology sort of Revolution we've
seen over the last 10 years and the Tik
Tock ification of mental health has led us
us
astray so I think um there are some
things that are good about it and some
things that are problematic so I think
the really good thing about it is that
there is a lot more awareness of mental
health so we now realize so what I used
to see about 10 years ago right when I
was seeing patients is like people would
come in and they would not realize that
this is a problem that can be fixed so
people would come into my office and
they'd say I'm a loser other people are
able to get out of bed they're able to
have discipline they're they're
productive they're happy but I'm a loser
I have no willpower I'm pathetic I can't
get out of bed people didn't realize
that that was depression I've worked
with so many people who have adult
diagnosis of ADHD which uh many years
ago you couldn't even be diagnosed as an
adult ADHD had to be something that was
kind of like a pediatric
diagnosis so now I think the the best
thing is that people recognize that okay
there maybe this maybe what is wrong
with me is not like me I'm not
fundamentally broken in some way but
there is some kind of process going on
in my brain in my mind that is
responsible for my problems and if I fix
that then I can be well now on the flip
side what started to happen is no one on
the internet understands the concept of
differential diagnosis so everyone is
like oh I have a Tik Tok that if this if
you sometimes forget your keys you have
ADHD if you are happy in the morning in
satday if you have a kid who throws
temper tantrums they're bipolar so
everyone is taking a symptom and jumping
jumping to a diagnosis whereas like
literally half of what we learn in med
school and what we do as doctors is
everyone thinks it's about treatment
it's about differential diagnosis it's
about understanding that if you lose
your keys there are all kinds of reasons
for that if you have difficulty getting
out of bed maybe it's depression maybe
it's trauma maybe it's ADHD maybe it's
anemia maybe it's obstructive sleep
apnea and so the biggest problem is that
everyone is jumping to a conclusion on
the internet which then causes problems
because that may not be the right
conclusion we spoke last time about men
yeah um and there was a lot of
discussion around just this this world
difference between how men are feeling
in the world and how they're being
understood in the world versus women we
before we started recording you said
your thoughts have developed even
further since we last spoke on that yeah
so I think um there are a couple things
to understand so the first is that if
you're a man who's struggling in the world
world
today we as men assume that if we're
struggling we need to fix something on
the outside right so if I am not making
enough money the answer to that is to
get some additional certification or
become more prod productive maybe use
some kind of supplement so that men are
fundamentally different because we are
conditioned and this could be somewhat
biolog iCal but it's certainly societal
to solve our problems externally but the
one overwhelming thing that I've learned
about men is that you know if you're a
man who wants to get better 90% of what
you need to do is not outside of you
it's actually inside of you but this is
not where men look right we we think
like okay I need to get this kind of car
I need to get sexier I need to be able
to bench twice as much so we always look
to things outside of ourselves but in
the majority of the work that I've done
with men really the work that they need
to do is internal but we're not taught
how to do that there's a really great
example of this so if you look at the
top 1% of earners versus the top 10% so
the top 10% of earners on the planet
have a higher IQ than the top 1% the
people who actually make the most money
have a lower IQ than the the cortile
right underneath them and the big
difference there is that people in the
top 1% have a very high EQ so we grossly
underestimate the capacity to control
oneself and if you really want to
achieve the most in life that's what you
really need to focus on and the more
that I work with men I this is basically
what I teach them and the outcomes that
I see are amazing right we're talking
like on on the worst end you know I
worked with a 32-year-old guy who
started using drugs when he was 13 years
old polysubstance use mostly opiates and
heroin uh so at the age of 32 no job um
not living on the street crashing with
his girlfriend
and then within the span of four years
this guy became a therapist himself had
a stable income got married and
published his first dystopian fiction
novel so we're talking about a fouryear
span of like being literally a heroin
addict to you know being a published
author and like having a stable
fulfilling relationship and job and all
of that work is like internal it's about
understanding the way that you work
understanding the way that your brain
works and learning how to control yourself
yourself
is that the same for women though
because I've got women friends who are
same age that are really really
struggling have they're not doing heroin
or drugs or anything like that but
they're the objective sort of situation
of their life is they're so far from all
of their goals no partner feeling lonely
unhealthy and seemingly out of control
yeah so I've worked with plenty of women
for whom that is a problem as well but I
think if we look at on average right so
remember that like within any population
of men and women women there's going to
be more variance between women than
there is between men and women sure so I
absolutely the case for a lot of women I
think the big difference is that a lot
of the tools that we have were sort of
designed with women in mind a great
example of this is like Psychotherapy or
talk therapy so if you look at the gold
standard of how we process our emotions
it's verbally now the studies actually
show that if you look at like estrogen
estrogen has a very very inter in effect
on awareness of your internal emotional
state and the ability to articulate your
internal emotional state so as estrogen
Rises you literally feel emotions more
so this is why men women will have
problems like premenstrual dysphoric
disorder PMS you know when there are
these hormonal fluctuations it's not
that we should treat them poorly or
anything like that but they actually
literally feel emotions in a more
intense way because of the fluctuations
in their estrogen level so I
it's like like that's like scientific
fact it's not like it's not good or bad
right it's just something that's a fact
so the higher your estrogen is the more
emotional awareness you'll have so there
are some biological factors and then
there's also like if you look at the way
that women are conditioned they're
conditioned to be good listeners to
provide emotional support for the the
men around them and so they they use
they're a lot better at verbal fluency
like that's not even related to emotions
you can look at you know boys and girls
who are 8 years old girls will have a
higher level of verbal fluency than boys
do at the age of eight so there are a
lot of things in our mental health
system that rely on being aware of your
emotions being able to articulate your
emotions using words to process your
emotions and so absolutely they can
learn more about themselves I think 99%
of human beings on the planet myself
included can benefit from learning more
about themselves but I think that women
have somewhat of a leg up which is why
women are set 70% of patients who seek
Psychotherapy right even 70% of
therapists are women so there there's
like a very clear gender gap in the
field of mental health so going back up
the river then so the Crux of the issue
is not being able to control oneself
essentially I control is even a step too
far Crux of the issue is not
understanding yourself right good
diagnosis predes good treatment control
comes later okay so first you need to
understand on absolutely and how do I go
about understanding on self and in the
case of the gentleman you mentioned as
the case study there how did he go about
understanding himself as a heroin addict
who had poly substance abuse to this
successful person so I think the best
place to start I know it's going to
sound kind of simple but is to look at
yourself so what a lot of us do is
anytime we have a problem the first
thing that we do is we try to jump to a
solution so if I'm unhappy in life I
need to make more money if I'm
struggling with dating I need to get a
better job or be sexier or whatever so
we tend to jump to Solutions so I think
the first thing that you've got to do is
slow a little bit down and look at
yourself and when you look at yourself
there are a couple of things that I
think a lot of people really miss the
first is what drives a lot of their
behaviors so we focus so much on fixing
a behavior like using heroin for example
right but we don't really ask ourselves
why am I using heroin in the first place
where does the drive for using heroin
come from and that is the key question
right so it's not about how you need to
change it's about why am I the way that
I am and this is where people make such
a simple simple mistake I'd say the
majority of people that I talk to when
they look at themselves they don't
actually they're not critically thinking
what they actually do is they'll make
some kind of conclusion I'm lazy so like
think about what that means like
laziness first of all is like not a
thing there is not like a laziness
circuit in the brain you can't measure
laziness laziness is a lazy way of
looking at laziness if we look at human
behavior motivation discipline things
like follow-through willpower these are
all discrete functions within our brain
and then we just say oh we're lazy but
which one of those things is lacking so
as we understand okay why are we lazy
what does that really mean where is my
motivation coming from what is the
status of my willpower um you know as we
explore these kinds of things that's
when we see really what the answer
answer is and the really cool thing is
if you look at a lot of research on
things like we use this technique called
motivational interviewing where in order
to change Behavior you don't need to
convince anyone of anything you need to
help people understand things and once a
human being understands something
themselves they will automatically
change Behavior right if I touch if I
tell you Hey Stephen don't touch that
that pan it's hot and you touch the pan
and you burn yourself you won't listen
to me but the moment that you touch it
and you get burned suddenly your
behavior will change on its own we learn
through experience but if you look at
the way that most people try to solve
their problems it's not through
experience it's through information oh I
have a problem let me buy a book I have
a problem let me listen to a podcast let
me watch a YouTube video and this is
what we see right there are literally
millions if not tens of millions or
hundreds of people millions of people
out there who are gaining a lot of
information about change but aren't
actually changing
it's wild why is that there's a there's
a quite a complex psychological thing
because there's a certain type of person
who is like a self-development junkie
but they never self-develop yeah they go
to all the conferences they watch all
the videos they've got you know they can
they know all the words but they they
don't actually put anything into action
yeah so there's there's a lot of
subtlety but the craziest thing is that
see anytime we engage in some kind of
self-help kind of thing it actually is a
coping mechanism to deal with some
negativity within us so let's say that I
feel like I'm lazy so then my mind looks
looks at me and says okay I'm lazy I
need to do something about it and then
it's really tricky right because you
have your brain sees two options one is
that I can do something hard or the
others I can do something easy and we
have to understand this the brain has
evolved to be lazy the brain has evolved
laziness is efficiency we want to get
the most yield out of the smallest
investment so then what happens is our
brain is like okay I could like go to
the gym or I could watch a video about
working out and if I watch a video about
working out I will be more efficient
when I go to the gym there are all kinds
of scams that we run in our mind to
actually activate parts of our brain
that make us feel like we're making
progress without actually making
progress that's how you become a
self-develop junkie or self-help junkie
on this point of psychotherapy not being
perfectly designed for men I was
watching a clip before you arrived um
where a lady who's an author of a a book
that's just come out said that talking
about our problems makes them worse and
I was wondering if that's true it can be
so I think this is a big problem is that
talking about our problems can
absolutely make things worse so let's
understand a couple of things so the
first is that there's this assumption
that talking about your problems makes
them better but there are actually very
specific things that need to happen in
order for talk talking about your
problems to make things better the most
important thing is something called an
emotional catharsis so this is where you
have like a breakthrough in therapy so
there's like this moment where there's a
lot of dormant stuff and Freud even
described this where you have this
moment of very very intense emotion that
is relatively new I mean it's kind of
dormant but it's not like venting we'll
get to venting in a second and so there
there's a particular way we have to talk
about problems that triggers emotional
catharsis emotional catharsis create
something like a breakthrough so this is
also like an experience so this is not
just talking about my problems this is
experiencing my problems in a different
way so it's kind of like touching the
hot pan usually it's kind of painful so
when we're doing like work with a trauma
Survivor we don't want to just talk
about the trauma we want
to sort of dig into it a little bit more
and have an emotionally healing
experience um the the real problem is
that sometimes what'll happen is people
will just talk about their problems so
they'll use therapy as essentially like
a venting session and venting if we look
at kind of the Neuroscience of venting
venting is useful for reducing our
negative emotion in the moment but this
is the really tricky thing if we kind of
think about it you know like I I'll ask
you maybe you know this maybe you don't
but why do we have negative emotions
Stephen it's a signal for what it I
would I would guess that it's a depends
on the negative emotion but I guess it's
a signal that is there to help us
connect with
people okay so let's I think it can be
sure loneliness loneliness is a great
example of a signal that's designed to
connect with you what about something
like anger or fear why do we have fear
to warn us against impending danger
absolutely right so if I'm like running
through the jungle and I see a
tiger and I have fear fear gives us
information and what else does it do
gives us physiological energy very
adrenaline absolutely for what purpose
to flee absolutely so this is a big
thing that people don't understand the
primary motivator for change is actually
negative energy a negative emotion so
this is the problem with venting if you
vent and get rid of all of your negative
emotional energy the drive to change
will disappear so if we kind of think
about it what motivates you the most
it's actually negative emotion and you
can literally look at the like the
neuroanatomy of things like the amydala
so the amydala is very close to the
hippocampus which is where learning and
memory happen so we actually learn the
most through negative emotions so if I
if I'm if I've been happily married for
15 years and there's infidelity right
one case of infidelity the negative
emotion from that one case of infidelity
can drastically motivate me so one of
the biggest problems that I see is that
we try to get rid of our negative
emotions and in doing so we actually
capability so I've seen this a lot where
people will come in and they'll go
through like what they think therapy is
which is like actually same same guy
Mike came in and he'd like kind of talk
about his problems and I was like bro I
was like Mike is this helping so I was
still a trainee at the time so he'd been
seeing me for about six eight months and
I was like you come in here and you kind
of talk about your problems but like
you're you don't seem to be getting
better I didn't know how to do therapy
at the time and then he's like isn't
that what I'm supposed to do is come in
and talk about my problems I was like
yeah I think so I was a seconde
Psychiatry resident but I was like is
this helping he's like no and I was like
okay we got to do something else then
coming in and just venting is not
actually Psychotherapy that's not like
so talking about your problems reducing
your negative emotional energy can
actually keep you stuck and if you pay
attention to people in your life you'll
notice that there are some people who
just like [ __ ] all the time right
they're just like constantly complaining
they're constantly venting and they
don't actually do anything to change
their life it's interesting because with
the Advent of social media you now get
reinforced by deficiency promotion I
call it there's kind of these two types
of ways that you can build an audience
or a personal brand one of them is idea
promotion these are my my ideas this is
how I think about something and the
other that's emerged which is really
interesting and a little bit toxic is
like deficiency promotion these are all
the ways that I'm broken these are all
the ways that I'm inadequate and you can
build an entire audience around around
that which resonate with your
inadequacies and then that inadequacy
that you you get held there because
that's the speaking appointments you get
booked to do that's what your books
about your book is about all the ways
you're broken and flawed all the stuff
you've been through and then you it
becomes your your profession and I just
I watch that play out so many times I'm
like I talked to my friends about it I'm
like be careful of deficiency promotion
because you might you might accidentally
build a revenue stream there and then
you're [ __ ] yeah absolutely I I I
think we what we see is that there's a
lot of empathic resonance right so and I
think in some ways that's a good thing
so I I think when when I'm a broken
human being there are a lot of broken
other human beings the problem is when
you're a broken human being you don't
feel like you're a part of society
you're like broken and everyone else is
out there living their lives and being
positive and so it can feel so relieving
to connect with someone else to realize
oh my God I'm not alone right so I think
some of these deficiency promotion and
we see that a lot in like Psychotherapy
groups on trauma and stuff like that
where there's a lot of like trauma
bonding and there's also some weird ego
there with like I'm more broken than you
and my trauma is worse than you a lot of
toxic comparison there's a lot of stuff
that can kind of go arai but I I think
there's absolutely a reason why that's a
way that you can build your brand
because there are a lot of people out
there who feel broken and feel alone and
I'd rather be broken and with someone
yeah than broken and alone it's all
about belonging at the end of the day
yeah all of these things are about you
know feeling like you belong absolutely
what role does dopamine play in all of
this because we we talked at the start
about taking back control but much of
the reason as I learned from Andrew
hubman that it's hard to gain control is
because many of us are in this sort of
dopamine roller coaster in our lives
yeah so I I think uh dopamine plays an
important role but the one thing that I
really come to appreciate is that how
little of a role it plays so everyone is
like hung up on dopamine but dopamine
first of all is a neurotransmitter right
so dopamine is also like deals with
things like Smooth movement so my
ability to go like this is governed by
dopamine you were waving your arm yeah
like so so like anytime you have a
smooth motion so if we look at something
like Parkinson's disease Parkinson's
disease is a deficiency of dopamine so
there there are all kinds of things that
dopamine does I'd say dopamine is like a
letter in the alphabet for the brain we
use it in all kinds of circuits to
create all kinds of behaviors so
dopamine is are absolutely important
we'll talk about it but I think that
there's almost like too much of an
emphasis on dopamine and we oversimplify
the problem when we focus too much on
dopamine I'll give you a really simple
example of that so one is in my clinical
experience it's almost like dopamine and
serotonin have an inverse relationship
so dopamine is what gives us a sense of
pleasure dopamine also gives us behavioral
behavioral
reinforcement but dopamine gives us
pleasure but will not give us
contentment so I have I've had plenty of
patients who chase dopamine right and we
know that you know partying a lot lot
using a lot of drugs having high
adrenaline activities that all activate
your dopamine system don't usually leave
people feeling fulfilled and contented
at the end of it I've had plenty of
millionaire Playboys in my practice who
like tried that to find happiness and
maximize the pleasure in their life and
it doesn't work it's never going to work
and the the problem with that is that
our brain has this principle of
tolerance so the more that you activate
your dopam energic system the more
tolerance you'll develop to it this is
why people need higher doses of drugs to
achieve the same goal this is why people
when you first play a video game it's a
lot of fun but hour five six s to eight
it becomes less and less fun and then
you have old Gamers like myself who are
still chasing the beauty in the high of
the games that we used to play when we
were kids so dopamine is almost like a
scam neurotransmitter because it offers
you pleasure temporarily but in an
unsustainable way on the flip side we
have serotonin so serotonin is is
Associated more with like contentment
and peace when we look at things like
mood disorders often times what we're
doing is improving the serotonin level
boosting the serotonin Transmission in
the brain so peace and contentment is
very different from pleasure and these
two things are almost inversely
proportional where and it's really
interesting you can look at something
like orgasm which is a great example of this
this
so when you have an orgasm you get a
spurt of dopamine and you feel a ton of
pleasure and then after your orgasm you
actually get a rise in serotonin and you
feel incredibly contented the really
interesting thing is that if your
serotonin levels are high you won't feel
horny so like what'll happen is is we
know this because if we give someone
serotonergic medication if we boost your
serotonin transmission one of the side
effects is anorgasmia and like you can't
have an orgasm and then you also like
aren't as sexually you're not as thirsty
okay so like this is one of the side
effects this is one of the number one
reason why my patient serot serotonergic
medication has to do with the sexual
side effects but if we kind of think
about the neurotransmitters involved
right when we boo serotonin and we also
see this in Monks who are like super
content and peace and they're not very
thirsty right so if we kind of think
about it peace and happiness and
contentment in life comes from serotonin
dopamine is like actually kind of the
opposite and monks aren't like thrill
Chasers right they're they're able to
develop this internal sense of
contentment so dopamine is absolutely a
part of the problem it's a very
important part of problem but I think
that it's like one piece in a in a
larger hole does this explain why people
sex lives typically get worse when
they're comfortable and they're married
absolutely it's amazing how much science
can tell us about the formation of
relationships and falling in love that
we just don't apply so being attracted
falling in love developing a
relationship these can discreetly be
described neuroscientifically so being
attracted actually starts in the
thalamus so the thalamus is our sensory
organ of the brain it's kind of the
sensory Gateway so it interprets a lot
of sensory stimuli so when I first meet
someone I'm like oh they look really
good right it looks really fantastic and
I I feel physically attracted to them
they smell great their laugh is
beautiful so the initial stages of
Attraction are all about sensory
input then what happens now this is
what's really interesting falling in
love is actually very dopam energic so
this is one of the reasons why I think
we're seeing declining birth rates this
is why it's like if you talk to people
nowadays like it's it's hard to fall in
love everyone's dating everyone's going
out on dates and stuff but like falling
in love seems harder and that's actually
because of dopamine so what happens is
if you look at the phase of falling in
love what that involves is a dopam
energic connection and a great example
of this is like if we're going to dinner
right and I put my hand out just Steph
hold my hand and then we're all we're
doing we're gazing into each other's
eyes and we're just holding hands and
then we feel in love and if you kind of
think about people in love like it's
like a dopam energic high because that's
literally what's going on now what you
see if you see if you go out on if you
go to a restaurant you people watch
which I love to do what you'll see is
two people on a date both on their
phones so what's starting to happen is
we are like developing this dopaminergic
tolerance through things like devices
we're actually exhausting our dopamine
which is something that a lot of people
don't understand we run out of dopamine
because we're using these devices and
then we have none left to fall in love
and then there are later things in the
relationship that are more serotonergic
in nature where it's not as much about
pleasure but it's about connection
connection and all kinds of other stuff
so what does that mean if I'm single and
I'm looking to find love so if you're
looking to find love there's this is
where we have to start with diagnosis
before Solutions right so the first
question is do you have trouble falling
in love do you because a lot of people
who are single are like oh like I don't
feel anything right I don't feel a
connection this is something that I've
heard so much from our community so much
from patients anymore I just don't feel
a connection they seem great on paper
but I just don't feel a connection
there's actually Neuroscience behind to
form a connection too um but what what
the first question that I ask people is
okay do you feel like you just can't
feel an emotional connection to people
then what you actually need to do is
reduce your dopamine activation through
things like cell phones uh we see this
also with pornography where we know that
pornography correlates with like
unhappiness and relationships and that's
probably also like a dop and energic
effect as opposed to all the other
things there's a lot of stuff going on
there so play fewer video games be on
your phone less and especially before
you go on a date you want to like give
your dopamine a chance to recharge so go
on a walk for about 1 hour before you go
on a date and then your literally your
brain's capacity to engage in a date and
fall in love and activate those feelings
is going to be higher also I'd avoid as
much dopaminergic activity as you can
before the date before you see that
person and the more that you do that the
easier it will be for you to actually
fall in love am I right in thinking from
what you said there that dopamine is
required for us to initiate sex and want
want to have sex is that what you were
saying yes and no so dopamine is not
actually required to initiate sex it's
that's so fascinating you can like so I
tried to figure this out like where
where how does love work in the brain
it's like every circuit is involved
every neurotransmitter is involved um so
dopamine is what gives us the pleasure
of orgasm but initiating sex also for
men and women is somewhat different so
like you know women will say like oh
foreplay is really important right and
dudes are like we don't need a whole lot
of that and so the question is why so
this is what's really interesting so to
develop an erection you actually need
activation of the parasympathetic
nervous system which is the part of our
nervous system that involves rest and
digest which is why we have morning wood
right so when dudes wake up in the
morning we have an erection why we're
not like horny in the morning well I
don't think so anyway maybe who knows
but like there's a physiology to it
right where when we're relaxed will
develop an erection because the the
development of an erection actually
involves relaxing ation and then the
sexual act involves transition to the
sympathetic nervous system now this is
the fight and flight kind of response so
what we want to do is like we want to be
relaxed first and then we start getting
sweaty our heart rate increases blood
pressure increases and this is the other
thing that a lot of dudes don't
understand because our our nervous
system is a little bit different so when
it comes to women they have the same
thing going on where they need
activation of the parasympathetic
nervous system before they get
activation of the sympathetic nervous
system and then as you activate the
parasympathetic nervous system with
something like a massage or making out
or some something like that some
playfulness relaxation people really
need to feel safe then you can sort of
graduate to the more explicit
sympathetic nervous system sexual act
this has answered so many questions that
I had that I've never sort of vocalized
because I didn't realize the issue but I
have come to learn that I am most
aroused when I'm not stressed in any way
but I don't just mean stressed as in
like stressed I mean if it's Friday
night and I've just come back from work
and I've got home at 9:00 p.m. after a
really really long day and week I am not
aroused typically so what tends to
happen and like we know this in my
relationship and it's the same for same
for my partner is on like Saturday once
I've had time to relax and I've like
chilled down and I've all those kind of
things then I'm then I get aroused um
and there is this I think
misunderstanding between men and women
because we get aroused in different ways
absolutely once again like we we're
seeing so many problems in relation ship
so many problems and dating and and you
know what happens is like women will get
branded as all kinds of she's an ice
queen or whatever she won't put out and
like there's a lot of like toxic
misogyny there and then men will also
get branded as like oh men only want one
thing and they're they're you know so
horny which can somewhat be true but I I
think this is the kind of thing where
once you understand you know how does
the male body work how does the female
body work what of the ways because the
majority of is actually very similar so
like the what separates men and women is
less than what we share mhm um so if you
look at for example like how to create
romantic attraction on a first date like
that's there's a lot of good like
Neuroscience data about things to do and
it's not surprising at all because if
you look at what's the trend in dates
everyone is doing the wrong things now
dates are turning into like interviews
right where it's like I don't know I
don't want I need to know if I'm going
to waste my time or not so we're going
to sit down at a table oh do you want
kids what do you want this how much do
you like to travel how many trips per
year it almost becomes a negotiation and
if you look at the science of how human
beings fall love it's completely
different what is that relationship
between because as you're describing
that dating process I just my head I
thought God that sounds stressful and
then I thought of how expectation
generally creates stress so whether it's
in the bedroom having an expectation
that we're going to [ __ ] tonight because
it's Thursday and it's date night or
having an expectation when you go on a
day the impact that that stress has on
your dopamine and your ability to be
like open and
receptive yeah so it's it's it's so
interesting right so like I know it
sounds kind of weird but let's use your
example if it's Thursday and we're going
to [ __ ] tonight so that can be stressful
or like I don't know if you've been in a
relationship like this it can be awesome
right so like if I haven't seen you all
week and you haven't seen me all week
and it's like Thursday and this is the
time we've set aside and like we're
finally meeting and we both are like
we're going to [ __ ] tonight then it's
great like you know what I mean or not
so much or I don't know yeah right so
like this is the key thing that a lot of
people don't understand so attraction is
not about whether we're going to have
sex tonight or not it's that we you and
I need to be on the same page so there's
a really fascinating study that looked
at first dates on Bridges okay so one
Bridge is a stone bridge one Bridge is a
rickety wooden bridge that's wobbly and
what the study found is that when you
have a date on a stone
bridge it's Le people feel less
attracted to each other than when you're
on a rickety bridge now what's the
difference on the rickety bridge I'm a
little bit scared and you're a little
bit scared so what what really the the
foundation of romantic attraction is
actually empathic resonance when I feel
the same things that you feel when we
both feel it doesn't even have to be
good it can be negative things it can be
good things we just need to both be
feeling the same thing that's what
creates attraction this is also why
people fall in love in rehab like
literally at the rehabs that I've worked
at like we have to like almost have a
rule right we can't technically control
them but we're like hey no [ __ ] in
rehab so this is going to we're going to
have and because people will trauma Bond
right we're sharing all of this deep
emotional stuff you can be honest you
can be authentic and there's someone
else in the group who's also honest and
authentic and you feel connected what is
the nature of that connection it's
shared empathic resonance so one of the
biggest things that I tell people who
are you know struggling to succeed in
dating is like what are the emotions
that you're bringing to the table what
are the emotions they're bringing to the
table and if those emotions are not
aligned how can you do some kind of
experience that creates an emotion so
this is also where like movies aren't
necessarily good or bad the question is
do you guys like the same kind of movies
if yall like the same kind of of movies
and you both laugh a lot that's a great
date you don't need to talk you just
need empathic resonance so whatever you
can do to get empathic resonance will
create a connection my brain went in two
directions then the first question that
popped into my head was about the role
oxytocin's playing and all of that
because I've heard about this chemical
called oxytocin which is there to help
us Bond Etc um and I remember Simon Sy
saying to me that when like cities have
earthquakes it's crazy how much the city
comes together and that's he pointed
oxytocin as much the reason for that
sort of shared struggle thinking about
your rickety Bridge scenario life
sometimes becomes a rickety bridge and
people Bond because of that so should I
be taking my dates to theme parks for
example to terrify the [ __ ] out of them
or what only if you're equally terrified
okay so that's why it's so important
right for you to figure out like what is
something that is going to give us a
shared emotional experience ah okay so
you've got okay we've got to both have
the same emotion absolutely so if I'm
not scared by it and she's terrified
then that's generally speaking not good
now there are other versions of that so
like you can demonstrate caring right so
if I'm terrified and you take care of me
then that can feel good in a different
way but generally speaking like what
gets us like I'm into this person is
that we feel an emotional connection
right that's what I'm like into this
person they're like like what is the
nature is the emotional connection is
shared emotion so oxytocin is another
phase of the relationship so oxytocin
forms emotional bonds so when we feel
like not this and this is what's so
interesting there's different parts of
the brain different
neurotransmitters so oxy oxytocin is
what we get from cuddling what we get
from different kinds of touch something
like a massage can form oxytocin hugging
holding hands all this kind of stuff
triggers oxytocin and oxytocin will form
an emotional bond will alleviate
feelings of loneliness I think one of
the reasons that men are so lonely now
is because we don't feel bonded to each
other so oxytocin is more about forming emotional
emotional
bonds and the other way my brain went
when we talking about that is a question
I've asked a lot of sex therapists I've
spoken to which is should we be
scheduling sex this is such a tangent
from where we started but um based on
what you said Thursday night date night
Etc should we be scheduling sex when I
ask sex experts this they they go in two
different directions one group says yes
one group is so passionately saying no
because it kills that spontaneity they
say um and that you
know right so so I think this is a good
example of like this is exactly what I'm
talking about where we know so much more
about physiology and neuros science now
that the right answer to that question
depends on the science so you can
schedule sex it's just make sure that
you do the things are you killing some
degree of spontaneity potentially um and
but at the same time like so what is it
about the spontaneity like let's let's
tunnel down I think this is exactly what
we need to do what is it that makes
spontaneous sex fun
Stephen oh gosh uh [ __ ] um what makes
spontaneous sex fun it is
exciting novel it is hold on who's
excited by spontaneous sex me so and is
it going to happen if your partner is
not equally excited well I think most
couples would say that they much of the
reason why their sex life is not great
is because it's became become boring and
predictable and syy so this sort of
spontaneity element adds a bit of
surprise and Intrigue and now hold on a
second okay great so this is we're going
to we're going to figure out an answer
When Things become syy so if I watch
like what's your favorite movie Stephen
H The Pursuit of Happiness okay so if I
watch Pursuit of Happiness the first
time how am I going to feel emotionally
oh it was profound the first time I S it
second time you watch it you know
interesting fourth time fifth time so
the more that we get exposed to
something what changes within
us our
emotional the emotions change right so
the first time I do something yeah
emotions are activated when it becomes
habitual emotions no longer become
activated so this is the problem of
non-spontaneous or spontaneous sex is it
it has to do with that emotional empathy
that emotional connection that leads to
attraction so this is exactly what I'm
talking about when we look at problems
in life should couples do this or should
couples not do this let's understand the
mechanisms at play and then if we can
activate those mechanisms in the right
way then it'll work so the the issue
about spontaneity is is like you know if
you feel like having spontaneous sex but
your partner doesn't that's not going to
work because y'all aren't emotionally I
mean they can accommodate you and that
can be fine but generally speaking what
spontan adds is more of that emotional
connection so when I work with um you
know patients who are
exhibitionistic right so like why do
they like exhibitionism what's
exhibitionism having sex in public
places okay so um it's a it's a kind of
fetish right can get you into trouble
that's sometimes how they end up in my
office um but so so what what if you
really look at it like what what it's
about is emotional resonance so if I'm
having sex in a public place that's
going to activate me emotionally in some
way it's going to activate my partner
emotionally in the same way that's why
we do it so it all comes down to
emotional resonance so the second thing
is that if you're going to have
scheduled sex so like spontaneous is
great but if you're going to have
scheduled sex that's still fine too it
doesn't kill the spark you just need to
figure out how to activate it right so
this is where activation of the
parasympathetic nervous system do
something like you know give them a
or even like the sex should come after
some kind of emotional resonance let's
go out and watch a movie together or
let's do something that we both find
emotionally engaging then once you're
emotionally connected the sex will be
it'll be a lot easier I have a friend
who has been trying for a baby uhuh I'm
trying for a baby as well by the way but
this is not about me this is not me like
asking for a friend he lives in America
and he has just had the news that he's
having a baby very very happy and I saw
him recently and I was asking him him
about the process
of you know timing the sex around your
partner's cycle and they had gone for I
think three years trying to have a baby
so it got increasingly more difficult
all of the complicated emotions he was
saying to me he was like honestly bro
like sometimes we were having to have
sex like three or four times a day and I
was like how how do you keep an like
when it becomes a job in that in that
context you're doing it because you need
to try and hit this egg how did you
arouse yourself and he was like no I
couldn't he was like I I really
struggled I'd lose my erection all the
time um um and he literally said to me
yeah he was he was having sex 40 50
times a month to try and he was
basically being ordered to have sex with
her like these are the five days you
better have sex with you know that that
is maybe the extreme case of total
dissipation of emotional resonance as it
relates to sex yeah and the other case
the other end of that poll would be
pursuing someone for the first time I
guess a stranger for the first time and
I guess the job for people in their
relationships is how do you keep that emotional
emotional
resonance so I I think that that's
that's exactly the kind of question and
I think the first thing is that's half
the answer is that a lot of people don't
realize so like when people get bored
sexually in a relationship right so we
have two populations of people some
people will get married and they'll
continue to have healthy sex lives like
well into their 70s like one of the
craziest things that I remember
encountering in med school was like you
know when I meet a 70-year-old I don't
think about sexual health counseling and
it's one of the biggest mistakes we make
as doctors like you know when you have
these retirement communities and stuff
no one's worried about getting pregnant
you can get outbreaks of like syphilis
and gonorrhea that'll tear through the
community like like Co like it's crazy
like we just don't but sexual desire
doesn't necessarily decrease with age I
know it's crazy but we you know so then
the question becomes okay how do you
maintain a healthy sex sexual
relationship over time so at the very
beginning there are things like thalamic
inputs right so what you see
ex arouses you there's some amount of
novelty which is also like new emotions
right so then then the 10th time we
watch the same movie our emotional
connection is less to the movie but then
this is also how couples have sex over
successfully over time is that they do
have emotional connections so they as
you continue to bond with your partner
over the new experiences that your
relationship has so I think having kids
is a great example where like having
kids will destroy your sex drive for
some amount of time they say what two
years or something on on average but
even within that it's amazing because
you'll find these moments where like you
sort of forget right like how good sex
with your partner is and then the stars
align and you have sex and it's actually
like incredibly fantastic it's like oh
we should do that more right like that's
that's like what kind of starts to
happen so over time what we want to do
is really lean into still that shared
emotional connection oh my God I had
such a like I can't believe that our
kids like finally like they the fever's
gone they're relaxing we're going to
sleep and then at like 2: a.m. you're
going to wake up and you're you know
it's going to be great right but like
and so as long as you maintain that Bond
it's totally fine and when we think
about the mechanisms in Neuroscience
that drive our Behavior once we're in a
relationship and even if it's a platonic
relationship um how do
we keep the relationship thriving like
how do we what are the mechanisms I need
to be aware of in the brain in in
Neuroscience that are going to enable my
relationship to be strong and thriving
whether it's platonic or romantic you
know because we talk about loneliness a
lot and there's so many people that are
struggling with loneliness and it's and
you know the reasons that we often
attribute to that are the way we're
living our lives or we're behind screens
or social media but you know you it was
really Illuminating to me that you're
able to point to a mechanism in um
smartphones and social media that is
actually inhibiting us forming
relationships and I wondered if the same
mechanisms might inhibit us keeping the
relationships that we have yeah so I
think there are so many things that are
going on there so one is like how is
technology negatively impacting our
relationships and the second is how do
you maintain a healthy relationship over
time so there's like two different
things that makes sense like what gets
in the way and how do you how do you
keep your tire nice and full of air
versus how do you uh fix it if a nail
punctures it so let's start with like
what technology is doing so this is what
technology is basically doing to our
social connections there there is a whol
scale social skills atrophy and a
deconditioning of certain parts of the
brain when we use technology so the
first thing to understand about the
brain this is beautiful thing about the
human body inanimate objects the more
you use them the worse they get but the
moment that you have biology the human
brain doesn't wear out it rusts so
inactivity of the human brain is
actually what causes problems okay
that's number one so
we can look at studies of like dementia
prevention and what we know is that
encouraging neuroplasticity through
things like learning how to play the
piano at the age of 60 will protect us
from dementia so we need to utilize our
brain to make it the
strongest this is also where you can
look at the physical body right so when
I when I think about what causes muscle
atrophy and what causes muscle growth
the more I use my muscles the more they
grow the more you use your brain the
more it grows so when we look at connections
connections
if you actually look at human
communication words are maybe I would
say 25 to 50% of communication at most
so you can walk into a room and without
even hearing a single thing that's said
you can know there's tension in the air
something is wrong you can even like I
remember when I was a kid I used to get
bullied a lot right and I would walk
into a room and I immediately knew that
they were making fun of me like all the
conversation would stop and everyone
would look at like one person would look
at me I'd see alarm in their face they
would would all see everyone else would
see the alarm in their face and they'd
look over and they'd see me and everyone
would stop talking I know I'm being made
fun of so body language tone volume this
is really interesting so there are even
video game companies that are starting
to ban people over voice coms so how do
you know if someone is toxically
communicating or not what we used to do
is use like words right so if you say
some kind of racial slur in chat like if
you type it out the game knows to scan
for that and then people will start to
get around that they'll use an at sign
instead of an A so now what they're
doing over voice coms is measuring tone
Oh so depending on the volume of what
you're saying right like that's how
they're actually detecting toxicity
because that's where toxicity exists
it's not oh hey Stephen you're a real
loser I really dislike you it's like
Stephen bro you're such a loser man oh
my God and even if I say that right it's
not negative at all even though I'm
using negative words is another quick
aside so men are really specific for
using the negative expression of a
positive affection so this is something
that's different about men so what we'll
do is we'll actually say negative things
to a friend of ours to express approval
like when someone gets engaged or gets
married it's like oh man like it's the
old ball and chain we're going to lose
you you're whipped but everyone's
smiling everyone's congratulating you
but we just express it in a negative way
yeah so so much of our communication is
tone is body language is volume now
what's happening is everyone is texting
so then the brain does something very
that's designed to do it's like hey
we're not using this thing let's lose it
so if you don't speak a language our
brain forgets it so as you this is what
a lot of people don't realize is that
there's a rise in social anxiety why is
there a rise in social anxiety it's
because the parts of our brain that
reassure Us in social situations are
starting to atrophy so when we don't pay
attention to body language when we don't
pay attention to tone those parts of the
brain shut off and then when I go into a
social situation those parts of the
brain are inactive so they can't
reassure me now what happens is I go to
a party that I was invited to or I go to
dinner with my friends that I was
invited to I'm kind of sitting at the
end of the table no one's really talking
to me and I'm like oh like I really
shouldn't be here these people just
invited me out of politeness they don't
really care about me but if your brain
is functioning well you're able to read
all of this nonverbal communication
that's reassuring so when it comes to
platonic friends and why this is hard we
are atrophying a lot of the social
skills a lot of these brain regions that
allow us to form connections allow us to
feel reassured allow us to feel safe
right now I kind of feel like oh my
friends are inviting me but I'm
bothering them by going like all these
kinds of things we're seeing more and
more of are you hopeful about
Generations that that have been
connected from birth yeah so so I I I
think that even though things are
problematic right we're talking about
how things are negative and social
anxiety is increasing and suicid
suicidality is increasing I'm very
optimistic because I think we have all
the answers like that's what's so cool
like we have a problem but we haven't
been addressing it directly even between
the last time I was here and now we've
learned so much more people are taking
social stuff more seriously the Surgeon
General of the United States released
like this this um uh bulletin on Lon
like the loneliness epidemic right so
even like the medical establishment is
starting to see loneliness as a problem
that we need to Target half of the
problems that we see in the world today
is because we haven't tried to fix them
they kind of crept up on us things like
video game addiction things like
loneliness now we see okay this is a big
problem so let's start devoting
resources to it let's understand what's
going on and we see this a lot like even
on our community like where we start
targeting a problem and people do better
the only reason we're losing the war is
because we haven't been fighting
back why haven't we been fighting back
Technologies must play a pretty
significant role in in this I think we
were slow we we're really good at
creating things without understanding
what they will do to us because the
impact doesn't show its face for a
couple of decades sometimes absolutely
and there's there's a there's an even
more Insidious thing which is right now
the since it's isolation like since
we're seeing more isolation we don't see
the impact because literally these
people are staying home so the majority
of of you know young men for example
like won't ever go to a therapist which
is why we can't help them with their
problems they won't share their problems
with other people because first of all
they don't know how to and secondly they
don't even know what they're feeling so
that they just like feel like they're a
loser so what we've started to see is
that these problems have been going on
for about 10 20 years but they're now
reaching a critical point where like
we're now noticing what's going on but
this has been going on for a while are
people becoming more narcissistic yes
they are yeah absolutely and what impact
is that having I don't even know where
to start like so I I think it's
affecting our relationships it's
affecting our happiness it's affecting
our professional ability I was thinking
is social media making us more
narcissistic is that then driving us to
be more lonely and if so how do we first
Define the word narcissism in this
context yeah so I'm going to lean into
um kind of a more yogic definition so we
have this this word in Sanskrit called
ahamkara and aamar means ego so ahamkara
is your sense of self I am dot dot dot
okay okay so I am tall I'm short I'm
Doctor I'm father I'm winner I'm loser
the first thing to understand about ego
is that it is not a real thing it is an
abstraction so if you were to look at me
and you say I if I say I am a doctor I
know this sounds kind like kind of a
weird question but is that true like
what makes me a doctor I can't biopsy
myself and find Doctor you can't find
doctor anywhere within me doctor is I
have a piece of paper on a wall that's
what makes me a doctor I have a license
to practice medicine that's what makes
me a doctor it's an abstraction so it's
not like a truth it's like a societal
shared delusion that we all agree that
I'm a doctor that's why I'm a doctor
okay and does that make sense yeah of
course okay so this is the ego now what
we also know is that from studies on
narcissism that narcissism has its roots
in insecurity so if you think about
someone who's like egotistical and
confident like Stephen I'm sure you know
both what's the difference between the
two confidence feels more secure and
egotistical feels more insecure
absolutely where does a confident
person's esteem come from inside where
does a egotistical esteem com outside
beautiful so this is what's what social
media is doing social media and
technology is externalizing our
perception so if I think about it like
think about a couple thousand years ago
what was my mind focused on so I would
go out to hunt I'm looking for an animal
I shoot a deer and then I walk three
hours back so for some amount of time my
mind is paying attention to the external
environment maybe I'm talking with the
people that I'm hunting with but what is
there to say like I can't talk to them
for 10 hours a day there's no substance
there's no news right we're like this
tribal community so if you really look
at the history of humanity our
perception has been internally focused
at least at least 50% of the time
literally what we are paying attention
to is our own thoughts our own feelings
the voices the desires the drives that
come within us what technology has done
is wholescale externalize our
perception and this is even where like
you know I used to be like an efficiency
junkie and so when I was in med school I
was going to be like you stepen and I
was going to be super efficient I was
going to be super successful so I was
like listening to a podcast in the
morning about self-help
I was going to listen to lectures on my
way to the subway I was going to read on
the way on the subway I was going to
listen to a lecture on my way to the
classroom pay attention in the classroom
then do some questions like some test
questions whatever so my mind was
constantly outside of me social media
makes this even worse because now we're
doom scrolling we're looking at what
other people are doing so we are
starting to exist outside of
ourselves once we exist outside of
ourselves all of our steem comes from
the outside world cuz that's where we're
spending our time so what's happening is
as we become more externalized we are
becoming insecure because where does
confidence really come from it doesn't
come from inside this is a big mistake a
lot of people uh don't realize which is
if you do really well and you don't
believe in yourself you don't become
secure a lot of people think that
becoming secure is about being
successful that's not the
case if you're really successful you
don't end up with security you end up
with imp imposter syndrome so I went to
tfts for medical school and I did my residency training at Harvard and what I
residency training at Harvard and what I saw is that the more successful you
saw is that the more successful you become that increases the rate of
become that increases the rate of impostor syndrome there's way more
impostor syndrome there's way more impostor syndrome at Harvard than there
impostor syndrome at Harvard than there is at the University of Texas there's
is at the University of Texas there's way more impostor syndrome at a place
way more impostor syndrome at a place like Goldman Sachs than there is at Bank
like Goldman Sachs than there is at Bank of America so lots of success actually
of America so lots of success actually creates this idea that I don't really
creates this idea that I don't really know if I can do this everyone else is
know if I can do this everyone else is so much better than me so we see
so much better than me so we see actually lots of success leads to
actually lots of success leads to imposter syndrome confidence doesn't
imposter syndrome confidence doesn't come from success it comes from
come from success it comes from surviving
surviving failure it's also far more internal so
failure it's also far more internal so it's not something that anyone else
it's not something that anyone else gives you it's like when you believe in
gives you it's like when you believe in yourself then you're confident and then
yourself then you're confident and then the beautiful thing is that once you
the beautiful thing is that once you believe in yourself then other people
believe in yourself then other people can think whatever they want to about
can think whatever they want to about you the way that you receive criticism
you the way that you receive criticism if you if you criticize an egotistical
if you if you criticize an egotistical person they will argue with you and
person they will argue with you and convince you that you're wrong and call
convince you that you're wrong and call you stupid whereas if you're confident
you stupid whereas if you're confident someone says hey you're an idiot I can
someone says hey you're an idiot I can say Okay help me understand why like I
say Okay help me understand why like I could be an idiot help me understand
could be an idiot help me understand right so this is where what social media
right so this is where what social media is doing is externalizing our
is doing is externalizing our perceptions building our ego we're so
perceptions building our ego we're so focused on the Judgment of other people
focused on the Judgment of other people I see the amount of body like subtle
I see the amount of body like subtle lowlevel body dysmorphia that I see in
lowlevel body dysmorphia that I see in young women is
young women is skyrocketing and I have a buddy who's a
skyrocketing and I have a buddy who's a plastic surgeon at Yale and you know
plastic surgeon at Yale and you know he's just stunned by you you have you
he's just stunned by you you have you have now young women in their 25 26 27
have now young women in their 25 26 27 who are getting plastic surgery like on
who are getting plastic surgery like on a yearly basis like small amounts of
a yearly basis like small amounts of Botox injections or lip fillers or like
Botox injections or lip fillers or like whatever men too men too so that's also
whatever men too men too so that's also what the other great equality thing
what the other great equality thing we're seeing is body dysmorphia has a
we're seeing is body dysmorphia has a meteoric rise within men this is another
meteoric rise within men this is another situation where it used to be primarily
situation where it used to be primarily a female diagnosis that's evening out
a female diagnosis that's evening out real
real quick so social media is making us
quick so social media is making us focused on our external appearance we
focused on our external appearance we lose our connection to our our elves and
lose our connection to our our elves and then once we lose our connection to
then once we lose our connection to ourselves we lose the capacity to gain
ourselves we lose the capacity to gain confidence and how does this then result
confidence and how does this then result in loneliness on a societal level so
in loneliness on a societal level so many different things so the first
many different things so the first reason it makes us lonely so this is
reason it makes us lonely so this is I've also seen the highest level
I've also seen the highest level of being around people and being lonely
of being around people and being lonely so I see so many people who have jobs
so I see so many people who have jobs even have girlfriends boyfriends have
even have girlfriends boyfriends have friends and they feel so incredibly
friends and they feel so incredibly lonely
lonely so what happens when
so what happens when we are externally focused right so if I
we are externally focused right so if I if I'm lonely like I need to put myself
if I'm lonely like I need to put myself out there so what I'm going to do is
out there so what I'm going to do is transform myself and this is where a lot
transform myself and this is where a lot of it's so interesting because a lot of
of it's so interesting because a lot of the guidance we give people helps in
the guidance we give people helps in some way but actually worsens the
some way but actually worsens the problem so if I'm lonely I'm going to
problem so if I'm lonely I'm going to focus on my social skills I'm going to
focus on my social skills I'm going to get a good haircut I'm going to learn
get a good haircut I'm going to learn how to dress I'm going to start working
how to dress I'm going to start working out I'm going to become professionally
out I'm going to become professionally successful and now i' I've become
successful and now i' I've become something that I can be proud of and now
something that I can be proud of and now that I've become something that I can be
that I've become something that I can be proud of I'm going to go interact with
proud of I'm going to go interact with other people and look at they're going
other people and look at they're going to love me because now I'm sexy and I'm
to love me because now I'm sexy and I'm successful and I'm I know how to talk to
successful and I'm I know how to talk to people and I'm going to you know talk to
people and I'm going to you know talk to them in this way and I'm going to do eye
them in this way and I'm going to do eye contact and I'm going to do all of the
contact and I'm going to do all of the things why are you doing the accent to
things why are you doing the accent to connect with you to make you like me
connect with you to make you like me right see now you're now you're laughing
right see now you're now you're laughing so now I feel okay because now I know oh
so now I feel okay because now I know oh Steven's laughing he likes me I'm
Steven's laughing he likes me I'm likable so what we actually do is we
likable so what we actually do is we create a false version of ourselves for
create a false version of ourselves for people to love and that's what really
people to love and that's what really screws us because they don't fall in
screws us because they don't fall in love with us they don't like us they
love with us they don't like us they don't like the broken pathetic kid that
don't like the broken pathetic kid that I used to be they like this glossy
I used to be they like this glossy polished
polished version and that creates a fundamental
version and that creates a fundamental loneliness even though you can be dating
loneliness even though you can be dating it's so interesting because I I'll work
it's so interesting because I I'll work with influencers like we have a Creator
with influencers like we have a Creator coaching program and like it's so hard
coaching program and like it's so hard for influencers to date because who is
for influencers to date because who is falling are you falling in love with the
falling are you falling in love with the influencer
influencer are you falling in love with Diary of a
are you falling in love with Diary of a CEO host or are you falling in love with
CEO host or are you falling in love with Steven right is it Dr K or is it Olo so
Steven right is it Dr K or is it Olo so this is what's really paradoxical is
this is what's really paradoxical is that we think that forming all of these
that we think that forming all of these connections will help our loneliness
connections will help our loneliness where often times it creates the
where often times it creates the opposite effect where now what they love
opposite effect where now what they love is a version of me not the real me and
is a version of me not the real me and now the problem is they love this
now the problem is they love this polished version what happens if I show
polished version what happens if I show them the ugly version they won't accept
them the ugly version they won't accept me I can never show it to them this is
me I can never show it to them this is what I noticed in my own life I noticed
what I noticed in my own life I noticed that before 25 I was a total failure
that before 25 I was a total failure with women and before 25 the real
with women and before 25 the real defining characteristic of that chapter
defining characteristic of that chapter of my life
of my life was all the external stuff like the
was all the external stuff like the Louis Vuitton bag the champagne bottles
Louis Vuitton bag the champagne bottles in the nightclub they're really trying
in the nightclub they're really trying really really hard to convince them and
really really hard to convince them and then after 25 I had much more success
then after 25 I had much more success with women and that chapter of my life
with women and that chapter of my life can be characterized by knowing who I
can be characterized by knowing who I was and being CAU with it all the stuff
was and being CAU with it all the stuff seemed to fall away like all the
seemed to fall away like all the external stuff seemed to fall away and
external stuff seemed to fall away and for some reason cuz I I talked to my
for some reason cuz I I talked to my friends um who are struggling with
friends um who are struggling with dating at the moment about this just see
dating at the moment about this just see if it can help them in any way the
if it can help them in any way the chapter of my life where I was reading
chapter of my life where I was reading those those um books the like pickup
those those um books the like pickup Artistry books and I was trying really
Artistry books and I was trying really hard was my most unsuccessful but the
hard was my most unsuccessful but the phase after where I
phase after where I stopped chasing so much um it the only
stopped chasing so much um it the only way I can describe it is there's like a
way I can describe it is there's like a thousand little micro things in me that
thousand little micro things in me that changed whether it's my posture the way
changed whether it's my posture the way I I don't know what it was but for me
I I don't know what it was but for me it's that season of insecurity and then
it's that season of insecurity and then the season of confidence and I'm just
the season of confidence and I'm just throwing that out there because um it
throwing that out there because um it kind of overlaps with what you were
kind of overlaps with what you were saying about the influencers and when
saying about the influencers and when you're trying too hard you're actually
you're trying too hard you're actually struggling the most today and um and if
struggling the most today and um and if you see this in your practice now hold
you see this in your practice now hold on a second so let's define success so
on a second so let's define success so when you were doing Louis Vuitton bags
when you were doing Louis Vuitton bags and pre25 were you going on
and pre25 were you going on dates I was going to the club every like
dates I was going to the club every like two times AEK a week to with like and
two times AEK a week to with like and ordering as much champagne as I could to
ordering as much champagne as I could to get people to come to my table and like
get people to come to my table and like to impress the girls that were at my
to impress the girls that were at my table and stuff did it work well all the
table and stuff did it work well all the girls that I wanted never wanted me back
girls that I wanted never wanted me back so the like
so the like four girls that I really pursued I could
four girls that I really pursued I could name them but I probably shouldn't um I
name them but I probably shouldn't um I could never get them to be in a
could never get them to be in a relationship with me like they wouldn't
relationship with me like they wouldn't it would I would have like shortterm
it would I would have like shortterm success and then they would never there
success and then they would never there we go so this is really important right
we go so this is really important right so this goes back to what we were saying
so this goes back to what we were saying short-term success is thalamic right so
short-term success is thalamic right so that's sensory perception
that's sensory perception so you could never get into a
so you could never get into a relationship so this is like perfect
relationship so this is like perfect right so let's understand so champagne
right so let's understand so champagne will get you to come to get them to come
will get you to come to get them to come to the table oh who's this yeah bring
to the table oh who's this yeah bring them back to the apartment right and you
them back to the apartment right and you can get somewhere but think about where
can get somewhere but think about where you were emotionally and where they were
you were emotionally and where they were emotionally you were like oh please
emotionally you were like oh please please please right and they're that's
please please right and they're that's not where they are emotionally so it's
not where they are emotionally so it's doomed to failure yeah so like I was
doomed to failure yeah so like I was just using that CU it's like a prime
just using that CU it's like a prime prime example of and then what happens
prime example of and then what happens is your conf so you're like meeting them
is your conf so you're like meeting them where they're at you're a little bit
where they're at you're a little bit confident hopefully they're a little bit
confident hopefully they're a little bit confident you form a connection and just
confident you form a connection and just doing a little bit of math it sounds
doing a little bit of math it sounds like you've been dating your current
like you've been dating your current girlfriend for a couple years now it
girlfriend for a couple years now it sounds like it didn't take long from you
sounds like it didn't take long from you being confident to like find someone
being confident to like find someone that you've been with exactly I've been
that you've been with exactly I've been with her for almost six years yeah yeah
with her for almost six years yeah yeah like like snap it's like so easy once
like like snap it's like so easy once you do it right you kind of get locked
you do it right you kind of get locked down real quick right and same thing
down real quick right and same thing happened with me so what a couple of
happened with me so what a couple of things so first is like this just goes
things so first is like this just goes back to once again we can take your test
back to once again we can take your test case with the Neuroscience of how to
case with the Neuroscience of how to fall in love and it maps on and like
fall in love and it maps on and like that's the beauty of science is that
that's the beauty of science is that it's true now I even forget uh so you
it's true now I even forget uh so you were talking about security and
were talking about security and insecurity so now you you said something
insecurity so now you you said something beautiful which is like a thousand
beautiful which is like a thousand different microcosm microcosmic things
different microcosm microcosmic things in here right like microscopic little
in here right like microscopic little tiny little things that you do within
tiny little things that you do within you I say that because when I read the
you I say that because when I read the book on how to pick up women it would
book on how to pick up women it would give you these little games these little
give you these little games these little tricks you could do and even if I did
tricks you could do and even if I did those even if I acted there was still
those even if I acted there was still something going on which meant these
something going on which meant these women didn't want to be with me like in
women didn't want to be with me like in a relationship I could I could pull
a relationship I could I could pull quote unquote pull them I could get them
quote unquote pull them I could get them on you know short term but I couldn't
on you know short term but I couldn't get them to to be with me yeah right so
get them to to be with me yeah right so so and I I think that's because human
so and I I think that's because human beings are incredibly empathic so what
beings are incredibly empathic so what you feel on the inside is what other
you feel on the inside is what other people resonate with so even if we look
people resonate with so even if we look at this podcast why is this podcast so
at this podcast why is this podcast so successful Stephen it's because you are
successful Stephen it's because you are AU IC it's because you're genuinely
AU IC it's because you're genuinely interested in the moment that you become
interested in the moment that you become genuinely interested everyone in the
genuinely interested everyone in the audience is going to become genuinely
audience is going to become genuinely interested so this is what's really
interested so this is what's really crazy that a lot of people don't
crazy that a lot of people don't understand everyone is trying to
understand everyone is trying to manipulate other human beings into doing
manipulate other human beings into doing what you want I want this person to fall
what you want I want this person to fall in love with me if you want to be a
in love with me if you want to be a leader if you want other people to be
leader if you want other people to be with you the most important thing is
with you the most important thing is authenticity there are studies about
authenticity there are studies about this that if you look at like how people
this that if you look at like how people in in the workplace rank leadership
in in the workplace rank leadership authenticity is at the top of the list
authenticity is at the top of the list so authenticity and the ability to
so authenticity and the ability to navigate negative challenges these are
navigate negative challenges these are the two most important things to like be
the two most important things to like be a leader if you look at studies of
a leader if you look at studies of psychology so when you're talking about
psychology so when you're talking about these thousand microscopic things that
these thousand microscopic things that you do that's exactly what I do in my
you do that's exactly what I do in my work right it's helping people it's not
work right it's helping people it's not solving the problem outside of you it's
solving the problem outside of you it's solving the problem in here and once you
solving the problem in here and once you know how the instrument Works people
know how the instrument Works people will flock to you this is what Charisma
will flock to you this is what Charisma actually is charisma is like
actually is charisma is like authenticity and the confidence to face
authenticity and the confidence to face hard times if you have these two things
hard times if you have these two things when you walk into a room people will
when you walk into a room people will like stop what they're doing and just
like stop what they're doing and just like look at you it it changes the way
like look at you it it changes the way that you conduct yourself right so we
that you conduct yourself right so we even know that there's this this
even know that there's this this discipline called psychon
discipline called psychon neuroimmunology when you believe
neuroimmunology when you believe something in your mind it affects your
something in your mind it affects your brain when it affects your brain it
brain when it affects your brain it affects your whole immune system it
affects your whole immune system it affects your physiology and other people
affects your physiology and other people pick up on
pick up on that so you have to solve internally
that so you have to solve internally first like the more internally solved
first like the more internally solved you are like like yeah it's so [ __ ]
you are like like yeah it's so [ __ ] true and I say this as well from a
true and I say this as well from a position of um both leadership but also
position of um both leadership but also being a founder of companies who
being a founder of companies who appoints leaders and if I think back
appoints leaders and if I think back over the last 10 years every single
over the last 10 years every single leader that I've appointed as CEO or
leader that I've appointed as CEO or something in the sea Suite who has then
something in the sea Suite who has then struggled was not being themselves
struggled was not being themselves absolutely and I just and it's so three
absolutely and I just and it's so three cases in my brain right now of leaders
cases in my brain right now of leaders who I appointed over the last 10 years
who I appointed over the last 10 years in these companies and three all three
in these companies and three all three three of them failed and if I can if I
three of them failed and if I can if I could articulate exactly why they failed
could articulate exactly why they failed it was because they were trying to be
it was because they were trying to be what they thought a leader was and they
what they thought a leader was and they weren't being themselves and people can
weren't being themselves and people can see it like the thing I said about the
see it like the thing I said about the Thousand little micro Expressions that
Thousand little micro Expressions that you can't control that just show up
you can't control that just show up invisibly when you are when you feel a
invisibly when you are when you feel a certain way inside that's exactly what
certain way inside that's exactly what those three leaders that come to mind
those three leaders that come to mind didn't understand was I watching them do
didn't understand was I watching them do the presentation to the team was
the presentation to the team was thinking God that person's not being
thinking God that person's not being themsel and they're trying to be a
themsel and they're trying to be a leader and if I know it I bet everyone
leader and if I know it I bet everyone else this bloody room can feel it too
else this bloody room can feel it too and then I've seen the opposite as well
and then I've seen the opposite as well um where leaders have been tremendously
um where leaders have been tremendously successful and you just know that this
successful and you just know that this person that I'm experiencing right now
person that I'm experiencing right now is who they are so that's the Crux of it
is who they are so that's the Crux of it right so I think that the challenge
right so I think that the challenge right now is everyone is looking to
right now is everyone is looking to become something that they're not as
become something that they're not as opposed to really understanding who you
opposed to really understanding who you are the good and the bad easier said
are the good and the bad easier said than done though isn't it but in the
than done though isn't it but in the world we live in well that's just well
world we live in well that's just well that's because we don't know how to do
that's because we don't know how to do it I mean until now we don't know how to
it I mean until now we don't know how to do it properly how do how do we do it so
do it properly how do how do we do it so I think there are a couple of core
I think there are a couple of core things that we have to start doing so
things that we have to start doing so the first is that you have to become
the first is that you have to become less alexithymic so Alexia I don't know
less alexithymic so Alexia I don't know if I don't remember if we've talked
if I don't remember if we've talked about this before but Alexia is
about this before but Alexia is colorblindness to your internal
colorblindness to your internal emotional state so you have to know what
emotional state so you have to know what you are feeling basically at all times
you are feeling basically at all times our emotions are a primary source of
our emotions are a primary source of motivation so and our emotions will also
motivation so and our emotions will also like just because we are numb to our
like just because we are numb to our emotions doesn't mean that our Emotions
emotions doesn't mean that our Emotions Don't act so we see this a lot with
Don't act so we see this a lot with technology where technology suppresses
technology where technology suppresses your internal emotional state you don't
your internal emotional state you don't know what you're feeling but like this
know what you're feeling but like this is crazy like just because you don't
is crazy like just because you don't you're not aware of your anxiety doesn't
you're not aware of your anxiety doesn't mean that like it's not like the your
mean that like it's not like the your anxiety portion of your brain shuts off
anxiety portion of your brain shuts off and you'll if you're if you're worried
and you'll if you're if you're worried about this there are a couple of really
about this there are a couple of really interesting signs so one thing that's a
interesting signs so one thing that's a really interesting sign of suppressed
really interesting sign of suppressed emotion is what happens when nothing
emotion is what happens when nothing else is going on
else is going on so a lot of a lot of us are addicted to
so a lot of a lot of us are addicted to this external world I need to be Doom
this external world I need to be Doom scrolling I need to be doing social
scrolling I need to be doing social media I need to be productive I need to
media I need to be productive I need to be listening to a podcast we can't sit
be listening to a podcast we can't sit with ourselves so if you when you go to
with ourselves so if you when you go to bed at night can you just fall asleep
bed at night can you just fall asleep naturally or what happens a lot is
naturally or what happens a lot is suppressed emotions start to come out
suppressed emotions start to come out when we sleep and this is the big
when we sleep and this is the big problem is the more technology we use
problem is the more technology we use that we get into this weird situation
that we get into this weird situation where another good place that emotions
where another good place that emotions come is during dreams so we do a lot of
come is during dreams so we do a lot of our emotional processing when we
our emotional processing when we sleep now the big problem that we're
sleep now the big problem that we're seeing nowadays this is kind of a random
seeing nowadays this is kind of a random aside is that normally the human being
aside is that normally the human being processes emotions throughout the day
processes emotions throughout the day for about 16 hours and then whatever is
for about 16 hours and then whatever is left over at night gets processed while
left over at night gets processed while we sleep we have dreams and things like
we sleep we have dreams and things like that now what's happening is we do zero
that now what's happening is we do zero emotional processing through the day and
emotional processing through the day and so our brain can't really make any
so our brain can't really make any emotional progress because it has all
emotional progress because it has all this work that's been built stop we've
this work that's been built stop we've been suppressing emotions suppressing
been suppressing emotions suppressing emotions suppressing emotions and in my
emotions suppressing emotions and in my case when I was like addicted to video
case when I was like addicted to video games I had to play until the state of
games I had to play until the state of absolute exhaustion because if I went to
absolute exhaustion because if I went to bed all of these thoughts will come up I
bed all of these thoughts will come up I saw this hilarious meme about you know
saw this hilarious meme about you know we have during the day we're sitting
we have during the day we're sitting upright so all of our anxiety is at the
upright so all of our anxiety is at the bottom of our feet and when we lay down
bottom of our feet and when we lay down like a liquid it enters our brain so if
like a liquid it enters our brain so if you're someone who has like a lot of you
you're someone who has like a lot of you know negative emotion when you go to bed
know negative emotion when you go to bed at night that is a signal that you are
at night that is a signal that you are suppressing too much emotion during the
suppressing too much emotion during the day okay so you're talking about me to
day okay so you're talking about me to some degree here now I wouldn't ever
some degree here now I wouldn't ever categorize the emotion I experienced at
categorize the emotion I experienced at night as negative always sometimes it is
night as negative always sometimes it is a little bit negative but it's typically
a little bit negative but it's typically not negative it's just loud so what I
not negative it's just loud so what I end up doing is I end up watching
end up doing is I end up watching YouTube until I fall asleep or watching
YouTube until I fall asleep or watching some serial killer thing until I fall
some serial killer thing until I fall asleep and it's and my partner she's the
asleep and it's and my partner she's the opposite you know she's a bit of Yogi
opposite you know she's a bit of Yogi like she can
like she can just if she's on the pillow for three
just if she's on the pillow for three minutes she is
minutes she is brilliant right she's snoring I'm so
brilliant right she's snoring I'm so jealous of it yeah and so what you need
jealous of it yeah and so what you need to do is so if if you have loud emotion
to do is so if if you have loud emotion so what's an example if it's not
so what's an example if it's not negative but it's loud I love the way
negative but it's loud I love the way you said that by the way it's just it's
you said that by the way it's just it's me re like thinking about something in
me re like thinking about something in the company or one of the businesses and
the company or one of the businesses and going okay this is the solution now I
going okay this is the solution now I finally figured out the solution and I
finally figured out the solution and I need to write this memo and I need to
need to write this memo and I need to blah blah blah blah blah yeah so I think
blah blah blah blah blah yeah so I think that this is makes a lot of sense so
that this is makes a lot of sense so whatever is built up throughout the day
whatever is built up throughout the day whenever your brain gets idle time it
whenever your brain gets idle time it will process so this is also something
will process so this is also something that I think a lot of people don't
that I think a lot of people don't realize we've stopped harnessing the
realize we've stopped harnessing the power of our subconscious mind so if you
power of our subconscious mind so if you look at Mo we're all like logical right
look at Mo we're all like logical right we're like let's do analysis let's do
we're like let's do analysis let's do this if you really look at the source of
this if you really look at the source of human like Brilliance it's never logical
human like Brilliance it's never logical so logic is something that we use to
so logic is something that we use to feed our subconscious mind and our
feed our subconscious mind and our unconscious mind data and then our
unconscious mind data and then our unconscious mind plays around with it
unconscious mind plays around with it and then actually creates a motivational
and then actually creates a motivational change so when I I work with people who
change so when I I work with people who are addicted to substances or you know I
are addicted to substances or you know I I worked with someone recently who had a
I worked with someone recently who had a relationship that wasn't going on very
relationship that wasn't going on very well right and so what what happens is
well right and so what what happens is we're like I don't know what to do
we're like I don't know what to do should I break up should I not break up
should I break up should I not break up you don't know what the answer is and
you don't know what the answer is and then what happens is you're like okay
then what happens is you're like okay let me break up with them and then you
let me break up with them and then you haven't really worked through it so when
haven't really worked through it so when you break up with them now I feel alone
you break up with them now I feel alone oh maybe they'll take me back I'm going
oh maybe they'll take me back I'm going to text them anyway and then we see this
to text them anyway and then we see this ping ponging so also if you're ping
ping ponging so also if you're ping ponging in life your unconscious mind is
ponging in life your unconscious mind is not functioning the way that it's
not functioning the way that it's supposed to
supposed to if you think about a healthy breakup
if you think about a healthy breakup what happens is you wake up one your day
what happens is you wake up one your day and you're like enough is enough I'm
and you're like enough is enough I'm done think about that for a second where
done think about that for a second where does that resolve come from why didn't
does that resolve come from why didn't you wake up with it the day before or
you wake up with it the day before or the week before or the month before I
the week before or the month before I see this a lot in addiction Psychiatry
see this a lot in addiction Psychiatry too where one day like after 14 years of
too where one day like after 14 years of alcohol addiction enough is enough and
alcohol addiction enough is enough and I'm done and that's what happens with
I'm done and that's what happens with most people they'll do it cold turkey
most people they'll do it cold turkey like at some random time but what's
like at some random time but what's going on is there's a lot of unconscious
going on is there's a lot of unconscious work that your brain is doing
work that your brain is doing that then creates resolve and what we're
that then creates resolve and what we're starting to do is we're not allowing our
starting to do is we're not allowing our brains to do that because we're so
brains to do that because we're so occupied in the external world we don't
occupied in the external world we don't experience our emotions and if we don't
experience our emotions and if we don't process our emotions during the daytime
process our emotions during the daytime then at night which is where the mo
then at night which is where the mo majority of learning and memory take
majority of learning and memory take place that's when we have consolidation
place that's when we have consolidation of memory but if you're if you've like
of memory but if you're if you've like you know have a bunch of piled up
you know have a bunch of piled up emotions your brain can't learn from
emotions your brain can't learn from your
your mistakes so what we really need to do is
mistakes so what we really need to do is be more aware of our emotions during the
be more aware of our emotions during the day and like do some amount of emotional
day and like do some amount of emotional processing during the day that'll unlock
processing during the day that'll unlock or free your brain up to do all of this
or free your brain up to do all of this other stuff at night
other stuff at night how great question so I think um for
how great question so I think um for this is where we it gets kind of
this is where we it gets kind of technical so the first thing that I
technical so the first thing that I would say for men especially is that we
would say for men especially is that we experience a lot more emotion in our
experience a lot more emotion in our bodies than is generally Psy
bodies than is generally Psy psychiatrically like accepted we're
psychiatrically like accepted we're seeing some changes of this so one
seeing some changes of this so one really good example of this about 10
really good example of this about 10 years ago um so I'm kind of interested
years ago um so I'm kind of interested in evidence-based complimentary and
in evidence-based complimentary and alternative medicine so someone that I
alternative medicine so someone that I met said hey have you ever heard of
met said hey have you ever heard of tapping and I was like what is this and
tapping and I was like what is this and it's something called the emotional
it's something called the emotional Freedom technique and what they told me
Freedom technique and what they told me is that if someone has trauma you can
is that if someone has trauma you can tap on them you can become a Tapper and
tap on them you can become a Tapper and there's a particular way to do it then
there's a particular way to do it then you tap on certain parts of their body
you tap on certain parts of their body and it releases the trauma so I was like
and it releases the trauma so I was like what BS is this this sounds like
what BS is this this sounds like complete BS now over the last decade
complete BS now over the last decade there have been several studies on it
there have been several studies on it there was recently a met analysis that
there was recently a met analysis that came out that showed that tapping is
came out that showed that tapping is actually pretty effective for like
actually pretty effective for like treating trauma and I was like what the
treating trauma and I was like what the hell is this this is wild right so even
hell is this this is wild right so even if we don't understand what the
if we don't understand what the mechanism is you can study whether
mechanism is you can study whether people's trauma gets better or not but I
people's trauma gets better or not but I think this is just one of the many
think this is just one of the many things that we've learned about emotions
things that we've learned about emotions existing within the body this is also a
existing within the body this is also a big problem that I see right now in our
big problem that I see right now in our mental health system is the majority of
mental health system is the majority of therapists have no training in the
therapists have no training in the physical body but if we think about like
physical body but if we think about like you know anger releases adrenaline
you know anger releases adrenaline affects blood pressure affects heart
affects blood pressure affects heart rate affects gut peristalsis so a lot of
rate affects gut peristalsis so a lot of our emotions are physical so the first
our emotions are physical so the first thing that you've got to do if you're a
thing that you've got to do if you're a dude and you don't understand what
dude and you don't understand what you're feeling is like pay attention to
you're feeling is like pay attention to your physical body so do you feel
your physical body so do you feel tension do you feel a tightness in the
tension do you feel a tightness in the chest and we men will actually use very
chest and we men will actually use very good emotional language as long as it
good emotional language as long as it relates to being physical so I'll tell
relates to being physical so I'll tell you Steven
you Steven man this girl called me and it was like
man this girl called me and it was like she kicked me in the nuts now what does
she kicked me in the nuts now what does that mean what is that emotionally like
that mean what is that emotionally like I don't know you don't know but we both
I don't know you don't know but we both know what we're talking about we know
know what we're talking about we know what it's like oh my God dude I know it
what it's like oh my God dude I know it sucks dude it sucks when they kick you
sucks dude it sucks when they kick you in the nuts oh my god dude it was like a
in the nuts oh my god dude it was like a punch to the gut oh my god dude like you
punch to the gut oh my god dude like you know when when we have issues of lack of
know when when we have issues of lack of self-esteem it's like small penises
self-esteem it's like small penises right I feel like my penis is small it's
right I feel like my penis is small it's like AEM masculate like all of these
like AEM masculate like all of these negative emotions we use physicality we
negative emotions we use physicality we use the language of
use the language of physicality second thing that you should
physicality second thing that you should do is is use your physical body so
do is is use your physical body so there's there's all kinds of things that
there's there's all kinds of things that you can do so I I think deep breathing
you can do so I I think deep breathing is a really fantastic thing that you can
is a really fantastic thing that you can do um exercise is really great I mean
do um exercise is really great I mean there are tons of people that I've
there are tons of people that I've worked with who were like therapy didn't
worked with who were like therapy didn't work for me but after a breakup lift bro
work for me but after a breakup lift bro like we hear this advice and we in the
like we hear this advice and we in the medical community has have been so
medical community has have been so arrogant because we've said oh no you
arrogant because we've said oh no you should go to talk therapy like you're
should go to talk therapy like you're wrong lifting didn't work for you what
wrong lifting didn't work for you what you should do is go to talk therapy
you should do is go to talk therapy that's not the case when when this is
that's not the case when when this is working for people we should pay
working for people we should pay attention to it and the more that we
attention to it and the more that we learn about science the more we should
learn about science the more we should tap into our body so the first thing
tap into our body so the first thing that I would say is anytime you're
that I would say is anytime you're feeling uncomfortable where is that
feeling uncomfortable where is that physical discomfort there's actually a
physical discomfort there's actually a really fascinating study that has
really fascinating study that has mapped uh s each emotion up to 100
mapped uh s each emotion up to 100 emotions to different part like
emotions to different part like different schemas in the body so anger
different schemas in the body so anger is like in the chest um sadness is like
is like in the chest um sadness is like in the chest and in the stomach uh you
in the chest and in the stomach uh you know worry is in the brain and in the
know worry is in the brain and in the stomach so like you can actually map out
stomach so like you can actually map out like each emotion to a physical
like each emotion to a physical sensation the cool thing that once you
sensation the cool thing that once you detect the emotion if you adjust that
detect the emotion if you adjust that physical sensation you will mentally get
physical sensation you will mentally get better there's a really great example of
better there's a really great example of this if you clench your right fist you
this if you clench your right fist you will feel angry and if you clench your
will feel angry and if you clench your left fist what do you feel when you
left fist what do you feel when you clench your left fist let's
clench your left fist let's see
see um it's like I don't know feel it feels
um it's like I don't know feel it feels a bit like a release I don't know yeah
a bit like a release I don't know yeah so it's really fascinating so there's
so it's really fascinating so there's actually studies on this that show that
actually studies on this that show that clenching your right fist activates your
clenching your right fist activates your left hemisphere spere and will lead to
left hemisphere spere and will lead to anger clenching your sorry clenching
anger clenching your sorry clenching your right fist clenching your left fist
your right fist clenching your left fist will actually calm you down can
will actually calm you down can sometimes lead to like sadness but there
sometimes lead to like sadness but there even like all kinds of because
even like all kinds of because everything in the body is reciprocal
everything in the body is reciprocal everything is like a circuit so you can
everything is like a circuit so you can activate it in one way like your mind
activate it in one way like your mind affects your body and your body affects
affects your body and your body affects your mind even if your your um your
your mind even if your your um your dominant hand is your left hand we don't
dominant hand is your left hand we don't know okay so I think these are usually
know okay so I think these are usually done on right-handed people there may be
done on right-handed people there may be some variance but the key thing still
some variance but the key thing still remains that
remains that um you know there's one technique that
um you know there's one technique that I'll do with patients in my office when
I'll do with patients in my office when they're about to have a panic attack if
they're about to have a panic attack if we're doing like some deep deep trauma
we're doing like some deep deep trauma stuff and they're getting
stuff and they're getting physiologically activated I will tell
physiologically activated I will tell them to run as fast as they can for 60
them to run as fast as they can for 60 seconds so when you run really really
seconds so when you run really really fast for 60 seconds like exercise your
fast for 60 seconds like exercise your heart out like someone is chasing you
heart out like someone is chasing you like you're being chased by a monster so
like you're being chased by a monster so what happens is that when we have a very
what happens is that when we have a very very high activation of our sympathetic
very high activation of our sympathetic nervous system our fight ORF flight
nervous system our fight ORF flight response it automatically kicks in the
response it automatically kicks in the parasympathetic nervous system when
parasympathetic nervous system when we're done so when someone is stuck in
we're done so when someone is stuck in an anxiety state and that's like a
an anxiety state and that's like a feeding cycle so I feel anxious now my
feeding cycle so I feel anxious now my heart rate is elevated now adrenaline
heart rate is elevated now adrenaline gets released adrenaline travels to my
gets released adrenaline travels to my brain and makes me feel more anxious I
brain and makes me feel more anxious I have more anxious thoughts so this
have more anxious thoughts so this becomes a cycle how do you break the
becomes a cycle how do you break the cycle you actually activate the
cycle you actually activate the sympathetic nervous system so hard that
sympathetic nervous system so hard that the body has to kick in with the
the body has to kick in with the parasympathetic nerves which must be
parasympathetic nerves which must be quite hard because when people are
quite hard because when people are struggling they typically
struggling they typically have lower motivation right yeah they're
have lower motivation right yeah they're getting to the gyms harder so that's why
getting to the gyms harder so that's why so you can do this 60-second run like
so you can do this 60-second run like literally I used to have an office that
literally I used to have an office that was on Commonwealth Avenue and I would
was on Commonwealth Avenue and I would walk outside with my patients and we
walk outside with my patients and we would run as fast as we can or do as
would run as fast as we can or do as many push-ups as you can interesting so
many push-ups as you can interesting so the really crazy thing is that when we
the really crazy thing is that when we try to control our emotions by calming
try to control our emotions by calming ourselves down like if you tell someone
ourselves down like if you tell someone who's pissed hey calm down what happens
who's pissed hey calm down what happens they don't get calm yeah not at all
they don't get calm yeah not at all triggers them right so you need to do
triggers them right so you need to do the opposite sometimes you need to lean
the opposite sometimes you need to lean into whatever emotion you're feeling
into whatever emotion you're feeling activate your physiology and it'll calm
activate your physiology and it'll calm your emotions
your emotions down I haven't read the book but I loved
down I haven't read the book but I loved the title of the book The Body holds the
the title of the book The Body holds the score and I watched a summary of that
score and I watched a summary of that book and one of the things it talks
book and one of the things it talks about in the book is the role of yoga as
about in the book is the role of yoga as one of the things that really helps
one of the things that really helps people with certain mental health
people with certain mental health predicaments and I was wondering if that
predicaments and I was wondering if that sort of overlaps with what you're saying
sort of overlaps with what you're saying here I I don't do yoga but a lot of
here I I don't do yoga but a lot of people that do almost see it as a form
people that do almost see it as a form of therapy um and it seems that there's
of therapy um and it seems that there's been lots of research on yoga as a
been lots of research on yoga as a as a way to help with
as a way to help with our stress our mental health with
our stress our mental health with depression anxiety and all of these
depression anxiety and all of these kinds of things um what's your thoughts
kinds of things um what's your thoughts on yoga I think it's great so I was you
on yoga I think it's great so I was you know I I was a very serious uh student
know I I was a very serious uh student of yoga for about seven years um I've
of yoga for about seven years um I've recently reinvigorated my yogic practice
recently reinvigorated my yogic practice I think uh yoga is absolutely
I think uh yoga is absolutely transformative for
transformative for trauma um I think it can achieve Health
trauma um I think it can achieve Health outcomes that we're not really fully
outcomes that we're not really fully aware of and the simple reason for that
aware of and the simple reason for that is you have to look at the studies on
is you have to look at the studies on yoga so usually when we do a scientific
yoga so usually when we do a scientific study we have to we we want to be like
study we have to we we want to be like very careful from a scientific protocol
very careful from a scientific protocol standpoint so we're going to take two
standpoint so we're going to take two groups of people 100 200 people so group
groups of people 100 200 people so group number one is 100 group number two is
number one is 100 group number two is 100 we're going to teach a 100 people
100 we're going to teach a 100 people yoga and then we're going to measure
yoga and then we're going to measure what happens after 12 weeks the other
what happens after 12 weeks the other 100 people are going to do something
100 people are going to do something like exercise so the key thing that we
like exercise so the key thing that we have to understand about studies on yoga
have to understand about studies on yoga is we're taking novices and we're
is we're taking novices and we're teaching them yoga there's still novices
teaching them yoga there's still novices at the end of the study and we see some
at the end of the study and we see some health benefits there are very few
health benefits there are very few studies on yogis right there are a lot
studies on yogis right there are a lot of studies on yoga but a yogi is very
of studies on yoga but a yogi is very different from yoga so when you get when
different from yoga so when you get when you become an expert in yoga so I I do
you become an expert in yoga so I I do this work myself and you know I teach my
this work myself and you know I teach my patients this kind of stuff so you learn
patients this kind of stuff so you learn a lot about the way that your mind
a lot about the way that your mind functions I think there are a lot of
functions I think there are a lot of correlations with CBT but uh you know
correlations with CBT but uh you know like yoga will teach us for example
like yoga will teach us for example about our ego and so how do you know if
about our ego and so how do you know if your mind is malfunctioning or not so
your mind is malfunctioning or not so you know like you were saying before
you know like you were saying before when we were talking you mentioned how
when we were talking you mentioned how do I know if I'm wrong or my partner is
do I know if I'm wrong or my partner is wrong right how do you know if your mind
wrong right how do you know if your mind is functioning properly one of the
is functioning properly one of the biggest problems in the world today is
biggest problems in the world today is that your mind comes up with conclusions
that your mind comes up with conclusions how do you know if your conclusion is
how do you know if your conclusion is right or wrong sometimes it's right
right or wrong sometimes it's right sometimes it's wrong and we just assume
sometimes it's wrong and we just assume that there's no way of knowing the
that there's no way of knowing the difference that's not true so if your
difference that's not true so if your mind is operating in a pure way that's
mind is operating in a pure way that's free from cognitive bias which we also
free from cognitive bias which we also know scientifically then your mind will
know scientifically then your mind will come up with the right conclusions so
come up with the right conclusions so the question is how do we remove
the question is how do we remove cognitive bias from the mind that's what
cognitive bias from the mind that's what the discipline of yoga teaches us so two
the discipline of yoga teaches us so two things to consider if you want to know
things to consider if you want to know whether your mind is thinking clearly or
whether your mind is thinking clearly or not first of all what emotions are you
not first of all what emotions are you feeling and if you say I'm logical right
feeling and if you say I'm logical right now I don't feel any emotion that is
now I don't feel any emotion that is factually incorrect there is no point 24
factually incorrect there is no point 24 hour hours a day 365 days of the year
hour hours a day 365 days of the year blood is Flowing to your the emotional
blood is Flowing to your the emotional circuits of your brain you are never not
circuits of your brain you are never not feeling any emotion so the first thing
feeling any emotion so the first thing we need to do is understand yoga teaches
we need to do is understand yoga teaches us this what is the emotional impact of
us this what is the emotional impact of our thoughts the second big thing is
our thoughts the second big thing is what is the ego saying so if your ego is
what is the ego saying so if your ego is active your ego will create cognitive
active your ego will create cognitive biases I feel insecure so what I'm going
biases I feel insecure so what I'm going to do is I'm going to do some mental
to do is I'm going to do some mental gymnastics to put someone else down and
gymnastics to put someone else down and Elevate myself now what you're doing is
Elevate myself now what you're doing is mental gymnastic you're adding a
mental gymnastic you're adding a cognitive bias to help yourself feel
cognitive bias to help yourself feel better so yoga from a physiologic level
better so yoga from a physiologic level will calm down our balance our nervous
will calm down our balance our nervous system um you know it can do things like
system um you know it can do things like change our respiratory rate about 18
change our respiratory rate about 18 minutes of yogic practice is what it
minutes of yogic practice is what it takes to shut down cortisol production
takes to shut down cortisol production in our brain so we know that cortisol
in our brain so we know that cortisol will then affect all kinds of things so
will then affect all kinds of things so Yoga Works on the physiologic level it
Yoga Works on the physiologic level it absolutely trains us mentally right so
absolutely trains us mentally right so like yoga I think is like the most
like yoga I think is like the most robust system of like mental training
robust system of like mental training that exists in the world so how do your
that exists in the world so how do your mind how do you control your desires how
mind how do you control your desires how do you control your perceptions um all
do you control your perceptions um all that kind of stuff there's a lot of good
that kind of stuff there's a lot of good trauma healing that can happen in yoga
trauma healing that can happen in yoga which has to do with a slightly
which has to do with a slightly different concept so I think yoga is
different concept so I think yoga is incredibly useful and Incredibly
incredibly useful and Incredibly powerful trauma healing I am I was
powerful trauma healing I am I was watching something you talk when you
watching something you talk when you were talking about how people who have
were talking about how people who have experienced trauma almost operate in
experienced trauma almost operate in defense in their lives and earlier on we
defense in their lives and earlier on we were saying that you know people have
were saying that you know people have these stories they've told themselves
these stories they've told themselves I'm lazy I'm this I'm that but when I
I'm lazy I'm this I'm that but when I heard you talk um so articulately about
heard you talk um so articulately about how trauma makes us play Life in defense
how trauma makes us play Life in defense it made me understand maybe a lot of
it made me understand maybe a lot of people that I know in my life that
people that I know in my life that aren't overtly motivated and seem to
aren't overtly motivated and seem to struggle with uh things like discipline
struggle with uh things like discipline what have we got to understand about the
what have we got to understand about the nature of trauma and the impact it has
nature of trauma and the impact it has on us as it relates to our ability to
on us as it relates to our ability to show up and Achieve our goals beautiful
show up and Achieve our goals beautiful question so this was like one of the
question so this was like one of the things that when I discovered this it
things that when I discovered this it was transformative for me and
was transformative for me and transformative for my
transformative for my patients so see people who there are two
patients so see people who there are two kinds of people in life there are people
kinds of people in life there are people who like have plans and goals and work
who like have plans and goals and work towards those goals they're like I'm
towards those goals they're like I'm going to get up today and I'm going to
going to get up today and I'm going to like Advance towards my goals I want to
like Advance towards my goals I want to accomplish this in life I'm going to get
accomplish this in life I'm going to get better at this and then there are the
better at this and then there are the rest of us who are like I don't know how
rest of us who are like I don't know how these people do it like I get up today
these people do it like I get up today and I struggle I use a lot of willpower
and I struggle I use a lot of willpower I try to create habits you know I'm
I try to create habits you know I'm trying to be like these people who are
trying to be like these people who are were productive but my default state if
were productive but my default state if you let me do what I want to do I'm
you let me do what I want to do I'm going to do nothing now we we look at
going to do nothing now we we look at this and we're like how does this work
this and we're like how does this work are these people fundamentally different
are these people fundamentally different so trauma is the big difference here so
so trauma is the big difference here so let's understand when we're developing
let's understand when we're developing as children if we grow up in a traumatic
as children if we grow up in a traumatic environment what will happen is there's
environment what will happen is there's actually something called the loss of
actually something called the loss of the future Dimension so I'll give you
the future Dimension so I'll give you like an example of this right so let's
like an example of this right so let's say I go to my parents and I say hey I'd
say I go to my parents and I say hey I'd like to have a birthday party can I
like to have a birthday party can I invite my friends over and then parents
invite my friends over and then parents say
say sure next day parents are drunk they get
sure next day parents are drunk they get mad at me they're like no birthday party
mad at me they're like no birthday party so what will happen if you look at
so what will happen if you look at traumatic upbringing is that children
traumatic upbringing is that children can't plan for the future any kind of
can't plan for the future any kind of future that any kind of kind of autonomy
future that any kind of kind of autonomy that they
that they express uh an abusive parent will shut
express uh an abusive parent will shut it down like you know this is highly
it down like you know this is highly controlling parents too we see this so
controlling parents too we see this so much in like Asian and South Asian
much in like Asian and South Asian cultures where parents are like you got
cultures where parents are like you got to do this and you got to do this no
to do this and you got to do this no drugs no dating going to study you're
drugs no dating going to study you're going to learn piano so we're actually
going to learn piano so we're actually doing this is like we see so many gifted
doing this is like we see so many gifted kids that stall later in life because in
kids that stall later in life because in these upbringings we remove the the
these upbringings we remove the the ability for autonomy when a child tries
ability for autonomy when a child tries to express themselves we shut it down
to express themselves we shut it down the second thing that happens is trauma
the second thing that happens is trauma is about surviving today so I was
is about surviving today so I was working with a patient who you know
working with a patient who you know would be able to tell within the first
would be able to tell within the first 60 seconds to 5 minutes when their dad
60 seconds to 5 minutes when their dad got home whether they were going to get
got home whether they were going to get beaten today and so what people when
beaten today and so what people when people grow up in traumatic environments
people grow up in traumatic environments and it doesn't have to be physical abuse
and it doesn't have to be physical abuse it can be highly controlling it can be
it can be highly controlling it can be even like children who are parentified
even like children who are parentified is kind of traumatic where you have a a
is kind of traumatic where you have a a a parent who's very chronically ill and
a parent who's very chronically ill and is depending on the kid to take care of
is depending on the kid to take care of everything that's traumatic too because
everything that's traumatic too because then what happens is your brain looks at
then what happens is your brain looks at your day and there's no point in
your day and there's no point in planning for tomorrow all of your
planning for tomorrow all of your brain's resources are about surviving
brain's resources are about surviving today how do I not get abused how do I
today how do I not get abused how do I make sure that my parents don't notice
make sure that my parents don't notice me
me children who grow up in traumatic
children who grow up in traumatic environments learn to be invisible and
environments learn to be invisible and so then something very important happens
so then something very important happens in the brain where it stops planning for
in the brain where it stops planning for the future because any plan for the
the future because any plan for the future can change depending on whether
future can change depending on whether your parent is drunk or not and then if
your parent is drunk or not and then if I was going to have a birthday party I
I was going to have a birthday party I told all my friends and I got cancelled
told all my friends and I got cancelled now that hurts so much so what what
now that hurts so much so what what happens when we get traumatized is we go
happens when we get traumatized is we go into survival mode we go into protective
into survival mode we go into protective mode and this is even mirrored like
mode and this is even mirrored like physiologically where we have two states
physiologically where we have two states of the body we have our catabolic state
of the body we have our catabolic state where we're breaking things down we're
where we're breaking things down we're trying to survive the moment and we have
trying to survive the moment and we have our anabolic State when when we are
our anabolic State when when we are building for the
building for the future so when I encounter a tiger and I
future so when I encounter a tiger and I get a burst of cortisol cortisol breaks
get a burst of cortisol cortisol breaks down my muscle tissue to provide me with
down my muscle tissue to provide me with enough energy to survive we are
enough energy to survive we are sacrificing the future to plan to
sacrificing the future to plan to survive the present and that happens on
survive the present and that happens on a physiological level it happens on a
a physiological level it happens on a mental level so when you grow up in a
mental level so when you grow up in a traumatic environment where you are
traumatic environment where you are punished for thinking about the future
punished for thinking about the future you can't plan for anything because your
you can't plan for anything because your home environment is so chaotic there's
home environment is so chaotic there's no rules no organization and you're
no rules no organization and you're focused on Survival that becomes baked
focused on Survival that becomes baked in and what happens when these people
in and what happens when these people grow up is that they are bound by
grow up is that they are bound by external stimuli if there is some kind
external stimuli if there is some kind of pressure from the external
of pressure from the external environment then I can act but I cannot
environment then I can act but I cannot derive internal sense of motivation at
derive internal sense of motivation at all because now that there's an external
all because now that there's an external deadline I have to survive that deadline
deadline I have to survive that deadline so they go into this survival mode
so they go into this survival mode instead of this like being able to look
instead of this like being able to look into the future mode and it's it's
into the future mode and it's it's really crippling because it's
really crippling because it's fundamentally like the part of their
fundamentally like the part of their brain that plans for the future has been
brain that plans for the future has been disabled permanently no that can be Reed
disabled permanently no that can be Reed it's just been disabled in this way
it's just been disabled in this way right so like that's your default State
right so like that's your default State then what we have to do is like undo
then what we have to do is like undo that so does that mean that parents who
that so does that mean that parents who give their children more autonomy when
give their children more autonomy when they're younger typically are better at
they're younger typically are better at attacking life and parents who stifle
attacking life and parents who stifle their kids autonomy end up playing in
their kids autonomy end up playing in goal absolutely so so we can look at
goal absolutely so so we can look at something called authoritative ver
something called authoritative ver versus authoritarian parenting okay so
versus authoritarian parenting okay so there are two kinds of parenting that
there are two kinds of parenting that people can do one is where I'm going to
people can do one is where I'm going to support my kid but I'm going to give
support my kid but I'm going to give them autonomy I'm going to give them
them autonomy I'm going to give them structure and guard rails but they can
structure and guard rails but they can operate to a certain degree
operate to a certain degree independently that leads to the best
independently that leads to the best outcomes versus parents who are highly
outcomes versus parents who are highly controlling parents who are highly
controlling parents who are highly controlling their kids have worse
controlling their kids have worse outcomes in life so even if they're
outcomes in life so even if they're successful in some
successful in some way right and I was even on this track
way right and I was even on this track where like when I was 9 years old like
where like when I was 9 years old like my dad told me me and my brother he's
my dad told me me and my brother he's like one of y'all is going to be a
like one of y'all is going to be a lawyer one of y'all is going to be a
lawyer one of y'all is going to be a doctor like there was no question about
doctor like there was no question about it I had to become a doctor and then my
it I had to become a doctor and then my brother was older he went to law school
brother was older he went to law school so I was like I have to I have to go to
so I was like I have to I have to go to med school and so what what happened is
med school and so what what happened is I struggled a lot with autonomy when I
I struggled a lot with autonomy when I was in college and failed out and all
was in college and failed out and all that kind of stuff and I work with so
that kind of stuff and I work with so many people like in residency I I was
many people like in residency I I was running this program where I did like
running this program where I did like you know Wellness for medical residents
you know Wellness for medical residents surgical residents emergency room
surgical residents emergency room residents and what I saw is that a lot
residents and what I saw is that a lot of these people have invested a lot of
of these people have invested a lot of this time into this dream but they're
this time into this dream but they're not happy so now they're kind of just
not happy so now they're kind of just like living on autopilot and they don't
like living on autopilot and they don't like know what to do about it they're
like know what to do about it they're unhappy but now you feel stuck you've
unhappy but now you feel stuck you've committed to this path so how do we turn
committed to this path so how do we turn ourselves around if we are one of those
ourselves around if we are one of those people who find ourselves playing in
people who find ourselves playing in goal in life how do we become an
goal in life how do we become an attacker how do we become autonomous and
attacker how do we become autonomous and a selfstarter like you described is
a selfstarter like you described is there a a system a way a process yeah so
there a a system a way a process yeah so I I think um so it's complicated but I
I I think um so it's complicated but I think we know there are a couple of
think we know there are a couple of different steps that are involved so the
different steps that are involved so the first is you have to be safe so if
first is you have to be safe so if you're in a position of life where you
you're in a position of life where you are constantly stressed out it shuts off
are constantly stressed out it shuts off your capacity for neuroplasticity so the
your capacity for neuroplasticity so the first thing that I recommend to people
first thing that I recommend to people is like you know if you're in a toxic
is like you know if you're in a toxic relationship if you're in an abusive
relationship if you're in an abusive home do whatever you can to create some
home do whatever you can to create some pocket of safety in your life because
pocket of safety in your life because the growth has to come from there so
the growth has to come from there so it's like super basic stuff second thing
it's like super basic stuff second thing that we have to do is learn how to
that we have to do is learn how to regulate our emotions so if we don't
regulate our emotions so if we don't know first of all what we're
know first of all what we're feeling then our emotions will act in
feeling then our emotions will act in ways that are very self-sabotaging so we
ways that are very self-sabotaging so we have to we have to decompress our
have to we have to decompress our negative emotion because otherwise the
negative emotion because otherwise the negative emotion will fuel things like
negative emotion will fuel things like addiction so if I don't if I don't have
addiction so if I don't if I don't have a healthy way of processing my emotion
a healthy way of processing my emotion my brain because it's trying to survive
my brain because it's trying to survive will start drinking alcohol because
will start drinking alcohol because that's the only thing that works so we
that's the only thing that works so we have to develop some degree of emotional
have to develop some degree of emotional regulation now this is the really cool
regulation now this is the really cool thing so if you look at so Stephen let's
thing so if you look at so Stephen let's talk about you for a second is that okay
talk about you for a second is that okay no cheing go so you're are you a
no cheing go so you're are you a survivalist or you like looking
survivalist or you like looking forward I'm looking
forward I'm looking forward how does that work for you how
forward how does that work for you how are you able to look forward like what
are you able to look forward like what what's your inner experience I've always
what's your inner experience I've always looked forward I've always had to look
looked forward I've always had to look forward I've not really had a choice in
forward I've not really had a choice in life I don't think I think I was my
life I don't think I think I was my parents were so absent that it created
parents were so absent that it created an environment where I didn't have a
an environment where I didn't have a choice it's like if you wanted lunch
choice it's like if you wanted lunch money it's it's not going to appear out
money it's it's not going to appear out of anywhere if you want to eat today
of anywhere if you want to eat today it's not going to appear parents aren't
it's not going to appear parents aren't home so you have to go figure stuff out
home so you have to go figure stuff out I had the same external pressures of
I had the same external pressures of trying to fit in at school or all these
trying to fit in at school or all these pressures that anyone has but I had an
pressures that anyone has but I had an absence of um dictation so I had to
absence of um dictation so I had to figure it out and run experiments so as
figure it out and run experiments so as an adult I'm still doing that that now
an adult I'm still doing that that now okay that frightens
okay that frightens me so um so my guess is that if you try
me so um so my guess is that if you try to sit still you start to
to sit still you start to panic oh I really struggle with
panic oh I really struggle with Stillness okay yeah so you have a
Stillness okay yeah so you have a different problem the answer I was did
different problem the answer I was did you find out I was a psychopath or
you find out I was a psychopath or something what have you figured out no I
something what have you figured out no I mean so you can't be still right so so
mean so you can't be still right so so so this is trauma like I mean I can't
so this is trauma like I mean I can't diagnose you with anything but I want
diagnose you with anything but I want you this is actually a great example
you this is actually a great example because your
because your productivity is is running away from
productivity is is running away from something does that make sense yeah 100%
something does that make sense yeah 100% right it's crazy like you're not running
right it's crazy like you're not running towards something you're not building
towards something you're not building something I mean you're practically
something I mean you're practically you're building something you're
you're building something you're building something great and I see this
building something great and I see this so much it's a concept that I call toxic
so much it's a concept that I call toxic fuel right where're like but you're like
fuel right where're like but you're like oh my God unless I build something cuz
oh my God unless I build something cuz you're panicked like if I if I don't do
you're panicked like if I if I don't do it for myself no one will do it for me
it for myself no one will do it for me that's [ __ ] sad bro is it yes right
that's [ __ ] sad bro is it yes right so like like we're talking about having
so like like we're talking about having kids one day like do you want your kid
kids one day like do you want your kid to be able to count on you or do you
to be able to count on you or do you want them to grow up in an environment
want them to grow up in an environment where like they can't count on anyone
where like they can't count on anyone they have to do if they want lunch money
they have to do if they want lunch money they have to go out and get it I would
they have to go out and get it I would rather them be able to count on me and
rather them be able to count on me and our parents you're getting emotional
our parents you're getting emotional yeah
why um are you getting emotional no because I'm so I'm so used
emotional no because I'm so I'm so used to it I'm so accustomed to it for me for
to it I'm so accustomed to it for me for me there's no when you say it's sad I'm
me there's no when you say it's sad I'm like really it's just my life it was my
like really it's just my life it was my life so do you know what I mean now this
life so do you know what I mean now this is a great I'm getting emotional because
is a great I'm getting emotional because you're getting emotional what do you
you're getting emotional what do you mean so just because you don't feel it
mean so just because you don't feel it doesn't mean that it isn't activating
doesn't mean that it isn't activating okay right so I know you don't this is
okay right so I know you don't this is normal for me it's sad and you're numb
normal for me it's sad and you're numb right so once again you've been exposed
right so once again you've been exposed to this so many times but like you think
to this so many times but like you think like that's why like how do I know am I
like that's why like how do I know am I some psychic where I know that okay if
some psychic where I know that okay if you try to sit still you're going to
you try to sit still you're going to panic like no like I'm getting that from
panic like no like I'm getting that from you does that make sense yeah yeah yeah
you does that make sense yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah some of it's logical but like
yeah yeah some of it's logical but like like you know you you say I'm looking
like you know you you say I'm looking forward just the way that you said it
forward just the way that you said it implies for me like what is going on in
implies for me like what is going on in your mind there's a desperation to your
your mind there's a desperation to your forward momentum yes right that's not
forward momentum yes right that's not good I
good I know right and but here's the problem is
know right and but here's the problem is you love it you love it because if you
you love it you love it because if you didn't have it where would you
didn't have it where would you be 100% I'm I completely agree with
be 100% I'm I completely agree with everything you're saying you're not
everything you're saying you're not answering the question oh you want you
answering the question oh you want you want me to answer the question where
want me to answer the question where would I be no I want you to think about
would I be no I want you to think about why it's hard for you to answer the
why it's hard for you to answer the question I didn't even hear the question
question I didn't even hear the question okay um where would I be that's
okay um where would I be that's interesting in and of itself yeah I
interesting in and of itself yeah I didn't even know it was a question so
didn't even know it was a question so where would I be if I didn't have it I
where would I be if I didn't have it I don't I I don't know and I think about
don't I I don't know and I think about this a lot I think about this all the
this a lot I think about this all the time because you sometimes you can like
time because you sometimes you can like fantasize about living a completely
fantasize about living a completely different life and I put myself there on
different life and I put myself there on the on the beach or in barley or
the on the beach or in barley or something and I'm and I just go like
something and I'm and I just go like that I would be so irritated like
that I would be so irritated like irritated not as in like annoyed
irritated not as in like annoyed irritated as in as you said like not
irritated as in as you said like not being able to sit still I would be so
being able to sit still I would be so like I'd end up building a Hut or I'd
like I'd end up building a Hut or I'd end up like you
end up like you know yes I like when I have that fantasy
know yes I like when I have that fantasy of like run away from my life and start
of like run away from my life and start from zero on a beach somewhere I go I'll
from zero on a beach somewhere I go I'll just find myself back here again because
just find myself back here again because I'll do something on the Hut which will
I'll do something on the Hut which will I'll build a sky grave on the hut or
I'll build a sky grave on the hut or something this is trauma is not really
something this is trauma is not really the right word but it is kind of the
the right word but it is kind of the right word so this is what I mean so you
right word so this is what I mean so you are
are controlled by these impulses within you
controlled by these impulses within you I would say yes it's crazy right I
I would say yes it's crazy right I always liken it to being driven and
always liken it to being driven and dragged and I go I think I'm dragged a
dragged and I go I think I'm dragged a little bit yeah and I love your phrase
little bit yeah and I love your phrase toxic fuel right right so so you're
toxic fuel right right so so you're you're all of your growth and this is
you're all of your growth and this is what happens is this is what why men get
what happens is this is what why men get so stuck in this cycle because that's
so stuck in this cycle because that's the only way we know how to motivate
the only way we know how to motivate ourselves right it is running away from
ourselves right it is running away from the panic using the fear and and maybe
the panic using the fear and and maybe this is a bit much but I I I think like
this is a bit much but I I I think like you know I would bet money that there
you know I would bet money that there are there was a time in your life where
are there was a time in your life where you were a no one and you were like [ __ ]
you were a no one and you were like [ __ ] this never again and you were like I'm
this never again and you were like I'm going to I'm going to run away like I'm
going to I'm going to run away like I'm never going to do this again it was so
never going to do this again it was so incredibly painful and then that's what
incredibly painful and then that's what fuels you and if you stop I would bet
fuels you and if you stop I would bet money that the Panic that you feel is
money that the Panic that you feel is very is connected to that moment in your
very is connected to that moment in your life when you're like never
life when you're like never again who knows yes okay no yeah I mean
again who knows yes okay no yeah I mean I it's it's funny because I think I was
I it's it's funny because I think I was thinking as you said it and I was I was
thinking as you said it and I was I was reflecting on this day when I was
reflecting on this day when I was younger and I walked to this park it was
younger and I walked to this park it was late at night and this kid called Sam he
late at night and this kid called Sam he he started calling me the nword and in
he started calling me the nword and in that moment you've got I just I don't
that moment you've got I just I don't know why I I always think of this moment
know why I I always think of this moment but you've got this real disconnection
but you've got this real disconnection cuz I'm the only black there anyway this
cuz I'm the only black there anyway this is like Devon in 1990 whatever um and I
is like Devon in 1990 whatever um and I I thought we were so different our
I thought we were so different our family was so different anyway and just
family was so different anyway and just that moment of feeling totally
that moment of feeling totally disconnected because you're you don't
disconnected because you're you don't look like anyone else you don't sound
look like anyone else you don't sound like anyone else you you're curly hair
like anyone else you you're curly hair you're different color skin and that
you're different color skin and that just real sense of disconnection and I
just real sense of disconnection and I think that kind of sort of permeated a
think that kind of sort of permeated a lot of my early upbringing was this
lot of my early upbringing was this shame this insecurity this disconnection
shame this insecurity this disconnection and then you compound that with your
and then you compound that with your parents being aware
parents being aware and so when I was talk about my parents
and so when I was talk about my parents not being in the house much when I was
not being in the house much when I was like when I was younger I still had this
like when I was younger I still had this disconnection and this shame but now I
disconnection and this shame but now I had this big void of freedom to do
had this big void of freedom to do something about it which meant I could
something about it which meant I could start a business I could sell some stuff
start a business I could sell some stuff and if I sell some stuff I can buy some
and if I sell some stuff I can buy some shoes and the shoes are going to make me
shoes and the shoes are going to make me fit in because everyone else has those
fit in because everyone else has those shoes so it was this kind of spiral and
shoes so it was this kind of spiral and as you get older I become I can be be
as you get older I become I can be be aware of it all I want it doesn't mean
aware of it all I want it doesn't mean it's going to help necessarily because
it's going to help necessarily because there's a difference obviously as you
there's a difference obviously as you know from being aware of something and
know from being aware of something and then being able to take control of the
then being able to take control of the thing no there isn't this is how we
thing no there isn't this is how we started the conversation no there's not
started the conversation no there's not a difference oh is there not I thought
a difference oh is there not I thought was a logical process hold on hold on
was a logical process hold on hold on great so I'm not can I ask can we go a
great so I'm not can I ask can we go a little bit 100% so you're so interesting
little bit 100% so you're so interesting right so you felt ashamed you felt small
right so you felt ashamed you felt small yeah you felt like you didn't have
yeah you felt like you didn't have anyone's respect
anyone's respect right and so you've done something
right and so you've done something beautiful when someone looks at you what
beautiful when someone looks at you what do they see now
the opposite yes tell me what do they what does someone see now when they look
what does someone see now when they look at me probably they
at me probably they see
see um confidence they probably see someone
um confidence they probably see someone who's quite secure in themselves
who's quite secure in themselves absolutely right so you have a very it's
absolutely right so you have a very it's subtle man we're going to get so subtle
subtle man we're going to get so subtle it may not make sense so there's so many
it may not make sense so there's so many layers of projecting confidence and
layers of projecting confidence and you've tapped into an authentic
you've tapped into an authentic confidence there's even a subtle thing
confidence there's even a subtle thing because you dress very carefully right
because you dress very carefully right you don't dress in a way that normal
you don't dress in a way that normal people who are trying to impress people
people who are trying to impress people dress you want to be authentically
dress you want to be authentically impressive does that make sense you're
impressive does that make sense you're not going to you're not going to take
not going to you're not going to take any shortcuts to being impressive you're
any shortcuts to being impressive you're going to be truly impressive does that
going to be truly impressive does that make sense yeah I guess yeah but here's
make sense yeah I guess yeah but here's the subtle thing it's still it's still
the subtle thing it's still it's still there the Panic is still there you know
there the Panic is still there you know why because you still give a [ __ ] about
why because you still give a [ __ ] about being impressive
being impressive mhm right it's authentic impressive Rive
mhm right it's authentic impressive Rive sure enough but it's still important to
sure enough but it's still important to be
be impressive and as long as that thing is
impressive and as long as that thing is there like the panic and that that's all
there like the panic and that that's all the same thing MH it's 100% true and I I
the same thing MH it's 100% true and I I had an author on my podcast who wrote a
had an author on my podcast who wrote a book called status and that's when I had
book called status and that's when I had this like brain wobble in my head
this like brain wobble in my head because you know I said I used to wear
because you know I said I used to wear Louis Vuitton before I was 25 I thought
Louis Vuitton before I was 25 I thought that's when I gave up giving a [ __ ]
that's when I gave up giving a [ __ ] about like status and impression and
about like status and impression and then he was like no if you think about
then he was like no if you think about billionaires they just end up playing a
billionaires they just end up playing a different status game the logos get
different status game the logos get smaller because now Louis Vuitton would
smaller because now Louis Vuitton would make me look like an like an idiot it
make me look like an like an idiot it would actually be it would actually
would actually be it would actually lower your status they just they start
lower your status they just they start playing games about boats like how big
playing games about boats like how big is my boat but they're still playing the
is my boat but they're still playing the same game and when he said that I
same game and when he said that I thought you [ __ ] hell of course I'm
thought you [ __ ] hell of course I'm still playing the same old games in
still playing the same old games in different ways yeah yeah so so I think
different ways yeah yeah so so I think you there's a lot of authenticity and
you there's a lot of authenticity and goodness here so this is exactly how
goodness here so this is exactly how trauma Works where like we build
trauma Works where like we build something that is good here's the key
something that is good here's the key thing to understand that yoga teaches
thing to understand that yoga teaches us no amount of fixing your life will
us no amount of fixing your life will make that kid go
make that kid go away right so like when I work with
away right so like when I work with people who are I see you smiling so like
people who are I see you smiling so like when I work with people who've been
when I work with people who've been traumatized they will build amazing
traumatized they will build amazing lives but they still carry that kid with
lives but they still carry that kid with them and the kid will come out at times
them and the kid will come out at times there'll be particular times where if
there'll be particular times where if I'm a little bit like if I like treat
I'm a little bit like if I like treat you in the wrong way like you'll notice
you in the wrong way like you'll notice that you feel like that kid again when
that you feel like that kid again when you're Idol you feel like that kid again
you're Idol you feel like that kid again so that psychological those that
so that psychological those that neuronal wiring is there
neuronal wiring is there so you can build all this wonderful
so you can build all this wonderful stuff and there's authenticity it's not
stuff and there's authenticity it's not like you're faking it this is a really
like you're faking it this is a really common misconception are you faking no
common misconception are you faking no you're genuinely confident you're
you're genuinely confident you're genuinely authentic you can't fake it
genuinely authentic you can't fake it and get to where you are and at the same
and get to where you are and at the same time the wounds that we experience leave
time the wounds that we experience leave scars yeah 100% And the real way to heal
scars yeah 100% And the real way to heal is to go back to that moment and like
is to go back to that moment and like deal with that kid right you have to
deal with that kid right you have to dismantle the world viw that you have
dismantle the world viw that you have which is how you heal trauma is when we
which is how you heal trauma is when we get traumatized we adapt in order to
get traumatized we adapt in order to come out of this situation I need to
come out of this situation I need to learn this particular thing so some kids
learn this particular thing so some kids that I've worked with adapt by becoming
that I've worked with adapt by becoming invisible I that's what I did I got
invisible I that's what I did I got bullied a lot so what do I do I learn
bullied a lot so what do I do I learn how to be
how to be invisible some people adapt by being
invisible some people adapt by being successful so if I'm successful it's an
successful so if I'm successful it's an antidote to my shame I don't have to be
antidote to my shame I don't have to be ashamed anymore if I'm successful but
ashamed anymore if I'm successful but that old injury is still there yeah and
that old injury is still there yeah and this is why it's so complex because what
this is why it's so complex because what you've just said is so unbelievably true
you've just said is so unbelievably true but it's where the misconception happens
but it's where the misconception happens because I don't go home and I'm not like
because I don't go home and I'm not like insecure or I'm not unconfident like I'm
insecure or I'm not unconfident like I'm I think like when I'm on my own I'm very
I think like when I'm on my own I'm very very okay with Who I Am with myself I'm
very okay with Who I Am with myself I'm very very like I feel like the guy that
very very like I feel like the guy that you experience on camera is very close
you experience on camera is very close to who I am when I'm in the hotel room
to who I am when I'm in the hotel room alone at night however it doesn't mean
alone at night however it doesn't mean that I still don't have those like
that I still don't have those like childhood bruises and that they can't be
childhood bruises and that they can't be pressed by various things and so it's
pressed by various things and so it's this sort of this s because you know
this sort of this s because you know when we say these words like insecurity
when we say these words like insecurity and shame you think you'd think that
and shame you think you'd think that like I walk into the The Green Room over
like I walk into the The Green Room over there and I'm like oh that's not it's
there and I'm like oh that's not it's not my life but when I where I know that
not my life but when I where I know that there's still something there is I go
there's still something there is I go how that why are you still driving like
how that why are you still driving like this exactly when you are so well aware
this exactly when you are so well aware that it will not lead to any more
that it will not lead to any more happiness in any in any context like I'm
happiness in any in any context like I'm so logically aware
so logically aware that becoming more will not have any
that becoming more will not have any impact on the things that matter yet
impact on the things that matter yet here I am still building businesses and
here I am still building businesses and you know and this is the constant thing
you know and this is the constant thing I I battle with so I go okay well there
I I battle with so I go okay well there must be a force that you're consciously
must be a force that you're consciously unaware of that's making you go go on
unaware of that's making you go go on and go on exactly yeah right so let's
and go on exactly yeah right so let's understand a couple things beautiful
understand a couple things beautiful beautiful beautiful Stephen beautiful so
beautiful beautiful Stephen beautiful so a couple of things to understand we
a couple of things to understand we think about healing as a as one Spectrum
think about healing as a as one Spectrum right so if I'm at negative 100 I can't
right so if I'm at negative 100 I can't also be at positive 100 those two things
also be at positive 100 those two things cancel out that's not how it works so if
cancel out that's not how it works so if I give you a glass of water and then I
I give you a glass of water and then I piss in it and then I add sugar it
piss in it and then I add sugar it doesn't remove the piss these are both
doesn't remove the piss these are both independent things this is what tends to
independent things this is what tends to happen this is what we don't understand
happen this is what we don't understand about trauma you removing the piss
about trauma you removing the piss requires removing the piss no amount of
requires removing the piss no amount of sugar will take it out of the drink okay
sugar will take it out of the drink okay so no amount of this is mistake number
so no amount of this is mistake number one no amount of building something good
one no amount of building something good will remove something bad
will remove something bad okay so healing and it's also like you
okay so healing and it's also like you know if I break a leg no amount of bench
know if I break a leg no amount of bench press will heal my leg like I can build
press will heal my leg like I can build as much as I want to I can fix my hair I
as much as I want to I can fix my hair I can brush my teeth but the Le is broken
can brush my teeth but the Le is broken the leg is broken same is true of the
the leg is broken same is true of the mind okay second thing is what happens
mind okay second thing is what happens is we have like our Consciousness is
is we have like our Consciousness is divided now we're going to get kind of
divided now we're going to get kind of Technical and off the rails so we have
Technical and off the rails so we have all of these like dormant pieces of our
all of these like dormant pieces of our Consciousness that activate in certain
Consciousness that activate in certain situations and all you have to do is pay
situations and all you have to do is pay attention to yourself in a 5minute
attention to yourself in a 5minute period and you'll see this so when I
period and you'll see this so when I walk into a bathroom that I've never
walk into a bathroom that I've never used
used before then I start thinking about okay
before then I start thinking about okay where's the flush where's the toilet how
where's the flush where's the toilet how do I use this toilet you know so like
do I use this toilet you know so like I'll activate dormant information all
I'll activate dormant information all the time so if someone asks me what's
the time so if someone asks me what's you know the quadratic equation that
you know the quadratic equation that information is there and dormant in my
information is there and dormant in my mind and it gets activated so one of the
mind and it gets activated so one of the biggest mistakes we make about healing
biggest mistakes we make about healing is we look at what is active in our mind
is we look at what is active in our mind 90% of the time and we assume that the
90% of the time and we assume that the injury is no longer there that's not the
injury is no longer there that's not the case does that make sense 100% right so
case does that make sense 100% right so the the injury just goes dormant then
the the injury just goes dormant then there are certain things that happen
there are certain things that happen that can trigger that injury that's what
that can trigger that injury that's what we call triggers right so if I'm
we call triggers right so if I'm traumatized if we look at like PTSD and
traumatized if we look at like PTSD and I'm I've been traumatized by you know a
I'm I've been traumatized by you know a a bomb going off literally my brain has
a bomb going off literally my brain has certain circuits that scans my
certain circuits that scans my perceptual environment and decides what
perceptual environment and decides what to activate so there are ways Stillness
to activate so there are ways Stillness makes you feel small and [ __ ] you if
makes you feel small and [ __ ] you if you're ever going to be small again
you're ever going to be small again never again never again never again I
never again never again never again I would bet money that if you sit by
would bet money that if you sit by yourself and you're not occupied right
yourself and you're not occupied right that's why you have to watch crime shows
that's why you have to watch crime shows because if you don't watch crime shows
because if you don't watch crime shows you're going to be still and if you're
you're going to be still and if you're still that's
still that's unacceptable okay so dormant things have
unacceptable okay so dormant things have to be healed where they belong you don't
to be healed where they belong you don't need to worry by the way it's in your
need to worry by the way it's in your karma it's going to get healed and it's
karma it's going to get healed and it's coming yeah I was laughing cuz it's so
coming yeah I was laughing cuz it's so true yeah just laughing at the fact that
true yeah just laughing at the fact that I when I go to Bary I end up that's like
I when I go to Bary I end up that's like where I end up writing a book and I'm
where I end up writing a book and I'm like and and people would kill for that
like and and people would kill for that right so many people out there are like
right so many people out there are like oh man I would love to be you no you
oh man I would love to be you no you guys don't want to be stepen I know you
guys don't want to be stepen I know you think you do this is the crazy thing we
think you do this is the crazy thing we each as human beings have our own
each as human beings have our own journey and are you privileged and
journey and are you privileged and should you be grateful and should people
should you be grateful and should people aspire to be you absolutely but they
aspire to be you absolutely but they don't want to be you like your own
don't want to be you like your own problems are enough they don't need
problems are enough they don't need yours too amen so now the question is
yours too amen so now the question is how do we heal so I think the problem is
how do we heal so I think the problem is like no amount of fixing things over
like no amount of fixing things over there is going to go back to this and
there is going to go back to this and this is where I we can look at the
this is where I we can look at the science of of of healing trauma so here
science of of of healing trauma so here are the steps first thing is safety so
are the steps first thing is safety so that we can get neuroplasticity second
that we can get neuroplasticity second thing is emotional awareness and
thing is emotional awareness and emotional regulation and this allows us
emotional regulation and this allows us for number three which is really
for number three which is really important which is identity so if we
important which is identity so if we look at our human sense of identity how
look at our human sense of identity how do you develop an identity so if I were
do you develop an identity so if I were to ask you in three senten is Steven who
to ask you in three senten is Steven who are
are you my identity yeah tell me who who's
you my identity yeah tell me who who's stepen to myself or just to the world or
stepen to myself or just to the world or is that the same tell me about who's
is that the same tell me about who's Stephen I I'm an entrepreneur I am
Stephen I I'm an entrepreneur I am a I guess I'm a podcaster now
a I guess I'm a podcaster now um and I
um and I am going to say a Manchester United fan
am going to say a Manchester United fan okay so I think those are three features
okay so I think those are three features right so I've I've read your bio so the
right so I've I've read your bio so the other thing that you tend to do in your
other thing that you tend to do in your bio is there's a narrative right you
bio is there's a narrative right you were a College Dropout yeah um you
were a College Dropout yeah um you started a company yeah right you talked
started a company yeah right you talked about this Louis Vuitton bag phase and
about this Louis Vuitton bag phase and then there's the post Louis Vuitton bag
then there's the post Louis Vuitton bag phase yeah and even before we had this
phase yeah and even before we had this podcast you were talking to me about the
podcast you were talking to me about the phases of your life yeah so identity re
phases of your life yeah so identity re requires a timeline okay now the
requires a timeline okay now the interesting thing is if we look at the
interesting thing is if we look at the formative moments of your life they all
formative moments of your life they all have
have emotion so this is what's really
emotion so this is what's really important if you have an identity
important if you have an identity that is bad in any way you can never
that is bad in any way you can never change that identity without
change that identity without emotions so what what happen so my like
emotions so what what happen so my like when I tell my story it's like I was a
when I tell my story it's like I was a kid 9 years old I got put on these
kid 9 years old I got put on these expectations dropped out of college went
expectations dropped out of college went to become a monk went to medical school
to become a monk went to medical school became a doctor now I started this whole
became a doctor now I started this whole helping random people on the internet
helping random people on the internet thing so each of those were emotional
thing so each of those were emotional experiences so who we are is a narrative
experiences so who we are is a narrative of our most emotional experiences and we
of our most emotional experiences and we see this in all of our like superhero
see this in all of our like superhero movies right Batman had this tragic
movies right Batman had this tragic experience where his parents were shot
experience where his parents were shot by The Joker and then he became
by The Joker and then he became something right there all all these
something right there all all these moments these powerful emotional moments
moments these powerful emotional moments so if your emotions are dulled by drugs
so if your emotions are dulled by drugs by technology by pornography by watching
by technology by pornography by watching serial killer shows you will never
serial killer shows you will never change who you are it is impossible the
change who you are it is impossible the Neuroscience of your identity
Neuroscience of your identity development requires emotional
development requires emotional experience okay so with trauma that's
experience okay so with trauma that's the next thing that happens once we have
the next thing that happens once we have access to emotions then we can become
access to emotions then we can become someone
someone else now the problem with trauma is that
else now the problem with trauma is that before we become someone else the
before we become someone else the beliefs we have about
beliefs we have about ourselves become our destiny so if I
ourselves become our destiny so if I think to myself I'm a loser so I I when
think to myself I'm a loser so I I when I was interviewing for
I was interviewing for residency I went to an interview
residency I went to an interview somewhere on the west coast and the
somewhere on the west coast and the director of the program called me and at
director of the program called me and at the end of the interview and they're
the end of the interview and they're like we don't understand why you're here
like we don't understand why you're here and I was like what do you mean you
and I was like what do you mean you don't understand why I'm here and
don't understand why I'm here and they're like your application is really
they're like your application is really good you could end up at any program in
good you could end up at any program in the country like why did you pick us and
the country like why did you pick us and like I was like I picked y'all because I
like I was like I picked y'all because I liked the way that your hospital works
liked the way that your hospital works and I like that the city it's in and I'm
and I like that the city it's in and I'm super into compliment all like what what
super into compliment all like what what do you mean why am I here right but the
do you mean why am I here right but the way that he approached it with a lack of
way that he approached it with a lack of confidence he's like our program sucks
confidence he's like our program sucks and they had some problems at the
and they had some problems at the program at the time so kind of makes
program at the time so kind of makes sense but this becomes a self-fulfilling
sense but this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy if I go into a job interview
prophecy if I go into a job interview and I feel a lack of confidence if I
and I feel a lack of confidence if I believe I'm a loser then I'm not going
believe I'm a loser then I'm not going to get the job you used to go to clubs
to get the job you used to go to clubs and buy bottles of Champagnes and
and buy bottles of Champagnes and thought that you were a loser didn't end
thought that you were a loser didn't end up where you wanted to go so this is
up where you wanted to go so this is what a lot of people don't understand
what a lot of people don't understand everyone's focused on productivity but
everyone's focused on productivity but the single most important thing that
the single most important thing that will determine your future is your sense
will determine your future is your sense of who you are and that's not like some
of who you are and that's not like some oh spiritual get connected with this is
oh spiritual get connected with this is like [ __ ] science right if you
like [ __ ] science right if you believe you are a loser the empathic CS
believe you are a loser the empathic CS of other people's brains will detect
of other people's brains will detect that in you and they will treat you like
that in you and they will treat you like a loser you carry who you are with you
a loser you carry who you are with you that's why you get into failed
that's why you get into failed relationship number one failed
relationship number one failed relationship number two failed
relationship number two failed relationship number three until you
relationship number three until you changed and when you change your sense
changed and when you change your sense of identity changes then your future
of identity changes then your future will change the last thing to do is on a
will change the last thing to do is on a more microscopic level look at these
more microscopic level look at these responses within yourself so you asked
responses within yourself so you asked me at the very beginning of the podcast
me at the very beginning of the podcast and now we're coming full circle how do
and now we're coming full circle how do you start understanding yourself so you
you start understanding yourself so you look at the drives within yourself right
look at the drives within yourself right why can't I sit still and this is going
why can't I sit still and this is going to be so hard for you because if I told
to be so hard for you because if I told you this is hilarious if I told you
you this is hilarious if I told you Stephen if you want to heal your trauma
Stephen if you want to heal your trauma you need to go to ball you need to sit
you need to go to ball you need to sit on a beach and you need to do nothing
on a beach and you need to do nothing you will still turn that into growth and
you will still turn that into growth and progress because what you'll say is oh
progress because what you'll say is oh this is what Dr K told me to heal my
this is what Dr K told me to heal my trauma so now I'm doing even more
trauma so now I'm doing even more important work than a podcast for 10
important work than a podcast for 10 million people on the internet now I'm
million people on the internet now I'm doing the healing of my trauma which is
doing the healing of my trauma which is the goal and you're still running away
the goal and you're still running away from yourself there's no way you can run
from yourself there's no way you can run away from it your mind will transform
away from it your mind will transform the very thing that you do into the
the very thing that you do into the problem and that's what trauma
does I'll give you a chance to respond because I've been I'm waiting for the
because I've been I'm waiting for the solution Dr K yeah so I mean I in your
solution Dr K yeah so I mean I in your case I I think it's like sit just sit
case I I think it's like sit just sit and you have to be careful because if
and you have to be careful because if your mind turns the sitting into a goal
your mind turns the sitting into a goal that I have to achieve oh I need to sit
that I have to achieve oh I need to sit and that will be my growth no no [ __ ]
and that will be my growth no no [ __ ] goal just sit waste your time what you
goal just sit waste your time what you need to learn how to do is waste your
need to learn how to do is waste your time do nothing sit be with yourself and
time do nothing sit be with yourself and watch out for that mind the second thing
watch out for that mind the second thing is awareness okay so as you sit you will
is awareness okay so as you sit you will notice all of these things come up so
notice all of these things come up so this is like you wanted to you asked me
this is like you wanted to you asked me a question at the beginning how do you
a question at the beginning how do you start so what I would say is sit for 5
start so what I would say is sit for 5 minutes 15 minutes sometimes we'll tell
minutes 15 minutes sometimes we'll tell people to stare at a wall for an
people to stare at a wall for an hour and just look at what on Earth goes
hour and just look at what on Earth goes on inside you you will discover that it
on inside you you will discover that it is a zoo of thoughts feelings emotions
is a zoo of thoughts feelings emotions drives panics worries distractions your
drives panics worries distractions your internal environment is such a mess so
internal environment is such a mess so what we need to do is just kind of calm
what we need to do is just kind of calm that stuff down by like just letting it
that stuff down by like just letting it kind of run out of steam so this this is
kind of run out of steam so this this is a principle of the mind that if we in if
a principle of the mind that if we in if we feed our mind it'll continue to grow
we feed our mind it'll continue to grow but like what we need to do is just let
but like what we need to do is just let it run out of steam so just sit and do
it run out of steam so just sit and do nothing for a while people don't
nothing for a while people don't realize the part of our brain that
realize the part of our brain that exerts willpower has something to do
exerts willpower has something to do with this part of our brain called the
with this part of our brain called the anterior singulate cortex the anterior
anterior singulate cortex the anterior singulate cortex is a piece of where
singulate cortex is a piece of where willpower comes from but it is also the
willpower comes from but it is also the part of our brain that monitors
part of our brain that monitors conflict so will hour and monitoring a
conflict so will hour and monitoring a conflict are actually technically the
conflict are actually technically the same thing the same part of the brain
same thing the same part of the brain activates and if you guys if you pay
activates and if you guys if you pay attention to your own internal
attention to your own internal experience what you'll realize is
experience what you'll realize is anytime you're using willpower there's
anytime you're using willpower there's an internal struggle that you are paying
an internal struggle that you are paying attention to it's like I don't want to
attention to it's like I don't want to order chicken I want to order Fried
order chicken I want to order Fried Chicken so there's a monitoring of the
Chicken so there's a monitoring of the conflict that goes on that's anytime
conflict that goes on that's anytime you're exerting willpower there's this
you're exerting willpower there's this thing this way and this thing this way
thing this way and this thing this way but you are aware of it you can't exert
but you are aware of it you can't exert willpower if you're behaving
willpower if you're behaving automatically right that's why it's so
automatically right that's why it's so easy to get lost in Doom scrolling
easy to get lost in Doom scrolling because you're not even aware of what
because you're not even aware of what you're doing before and then four hours
you're doing before and then four hours have gone by and you're like what what
have gone by and you're like what what happened you're not aware so this is the
happened you're not aware so this is the crazy thing from a neuroscientific
crazy thing from a neuroscientific perspective and this is what the yogis
perspective and this is what the yogis will teach as well awareness is
will teach as well awareness is willpower awareness is self-control and
willpower awareness is self-control and I've worked with tons of addicts they
I've worked with tons of addicts they come up for air and maybe you've done
come up for air and maybe you've done this and maybe people at home have done
this and maybe people at home have done this you go on this binge and then you
this you go on this binge and then you come up for air and you're like what
come up for air and you're like what have I been doing for a couple of days
have I been doing for a couple of days what I've been doing for a couple of
what I've been doing for a couple of hours then you gain that awareness again
hours then you gain that awareness again so the more that you are aware in the
so the more that you are aware in the present moment the more your problems
present moment the more your problems will literally melt away it's like crazy
will literally melt away it's like crazy I don't quite know how it works but this
I don't quite know how it works but this is what yoga teaches you that as you
is what yoga teaches you that as you were aware as you were aware as you were
were aware as you were aware as you were aware you stop rejecting things you
aware you stop rejecting things you start accepting things you focus on the
start accepting things you focus on the present all the stuff that everyone
present all the stuff that everyone talks about is actually rooted in
talks about is actually rooted in awareness and we live in a society where
awareness and we live in a society where I say if I say you don't need habits you
I say if I say you don't need habits you don't need willpower you don't need
don't need willpower you don't need discipline all you need is awareness
discipline all you need is awareness people will reject me that doesn't mean
people will reject me that doesn't mean it isn't true and the more that you
it isn't true and the more that you explore awareness the more you will
explore awareness the more you will realize like I used to think it was like
realize like I used to think it was like 50/50 I'm now at like 90% of the problem
50/50 I'm now at like 90% of the problem is
is awareness I know it's weird no but does
awareness I know it's weird no but does that because we tend to look
that because we tend to look for solutions that involve
for solutions that involve action like you know buy that thing make
action like you know buy that thing make that list go to that meeting watch that
that list go to that meeting watch that thing it's all about action action
thing it's all about action action action as a solution to our problems so
action as a solution to our problems so I was expecting you to tell me that the
I was expecting you to tell me that the solution to everything we've discussed
solution to everything we've discussed here is like the seven-step process of
here is like the seven-step process of like write this thing down say this
like write this thing down say this thing and you know okay so let's let's
thing and you know okay so let's let's understand this okay you work really
understand this okay you work really hard
hard Stephen is it hard to work
hard for me yeah no okay so now we have to understand why is it not hard for you
to understand why is it not hard for you to work
hard it's why is it not hard for me to work hard because it feels good to work
work hard because it feels good to work hard absolutely so your problem see this
hard absolutely so your problem see this is the whole problem that everyone makes
is the whole problem that everyone makes so Stephen you started a company
so Stephen you started a company when uh first one was very young but we
when uh first one was very young but we won't count that because I didn't
won't count that because I didn't register the company so the first one
register the company so the first one that was registered would have been when
that was registered would have been when I was 18 okay and you've started how
I was 18 okay and you've started how many companies or been involved in how
many companies or been involved in how many companies 10 10 20 yeah and made
many companies 10 10 20 yeah and made like millions and millions of dollars
like millions and millions of dollars and stuff yeah right started a podcast
and stuff yeah right started a podcast you've got how many millions of
you've got how many millions of subscribers now um across the platforms
subscribers now um across the platforms maybe 10 million okay cool right so like
maybe 10 million okay cool right so like this is a lot of work and everyone's
this is a lot of work and everyone's like oh my God I want to be like Stephen
like oh my God I want to be like Stephen but the whole thing is it's not hard for
but the whole thing is it's not hard for you it's hard for you to not do it
you it's hard for you to not do it so this is what I'm saying you don't
so this is what I'm saying you don't need to focus on the action it's the
need to focus on the action it's the internal thing that drives you like a
internal thing that drives you like a [ __ ]
[ __ ] slave that is responsible for your
slave that is responsible for your success if someone else wants a fraction
success if someone else wants a fraction of what you have 10% of what you have
of what you have 10% of what you have they don't need to duplicate your
they don't need to duplicate your actions they need to duplicate what's
actions they need to duplicate what's going on on the inside this is exactly
going on on the inside this is exactly my point they need your toxic
my point they need your toxic fuel yeah toxic fuel is on the path to
fuel yeah toxic fuel is on the path to happiness
right can be yeah I mean cuz you're doing pretty well do you
mean cuz you're doing pretty well do you know what though I this is maybe I don't
know what though I this is maybe I don't know how this throws a spanner in the
know how this throws a spanner in the works of this but I've never felt
works of this but I've never felt unhappy and and I've always struggled
unhappy and and I've always struggled when I I say used to say to people and
when I I say used to say to people and because time is past now it's sometimes
because time is past now it's sometimes hard to know how you felt in the past
hard to know how you felt in the past but I say to people that when I was 18
but I say to people that when I was 18 years old and I had just dropped out a
years old and I had just dropped out a university and I was starting this first
university and I was starting this first business and my parents W speaking to me
business and my parents W speaking to me I was poor and all these things I was
I was poor and all these things I was shoplifting food I was as happy then as
shoplifting food I was as happy then as I am now and like when I say that to
I am now and like when I say that to people I know it sounds like like
people I know it sounds like like motivational [ __ ] or something but
motivational [ __ ] or something but in that moment I had Forward Motion I
in that moment I had Forward Motion I was excited about life I thought that I
was excited about life I thought that I was all everything that in my objective
was all everything that in my objective reality was just the stepping stone to
reality was just the stepping stone to becoming and I so I was so excited I was
becoming and I so I was so excited I was so happy about life and I feel the same
so happy about life and I feel the same now yeah so despite everything we've
now yeah so despite everything we've discussed
discussed um I feel happy when I'm alone I'm happy
um I feel happy when I'm alone I'm happy yeah and I and you know that's um yeah
yeah and I and you know that's um yeah great so so I think that makes a lot of
great so so I think that makes a lot of sense or bullshitting but I no no you're
sense or bullshitting but I no no you're not [ __ ] I think I'm double guessing
not [ __ ] I think I'm double guessing myself no you're not bullshitting so
myself no you're not bullshitting so let's understand the subtlety here so
let's understand the subtlety here so the stages of unhappiness to happiness
the stages of unhappiness to happiness there's unhappy in all situations
there's unhappy in all situations unhappy in some situations happy in some
unhappy in some situations happy in some situations happy in most situations and
situations happy in most situations and then MOA Enlightenment MTI is happiness
then MOA Enlightenment MTI is happiness in all situations happiness that is
in all situations happiness that is completely independent of your
completely independent of your circumstances that's the stage that
circumstances that's the stage that you're at because we can make you
you're at because we can make you unhappy very very easily yeah that's
unhappy very very easily yeah that's true right yeah so so and it kind of
true right yeah so so and it kind of makes sense this is what happens is we
makes sense this is what happens is we start to craft a life that makes us
start to craft a life that makes us happy that's the first step totally good
happy that's the first step totally good but then what happens is that we are
but then what happens is that we are still dependent on the external life for
still dependent on the external life for our happiness and that will never work
our happiness and that will never work 100% so what's this MTA you mentioned is
100% so what's this MTA you mentioned is Moka Enlightenment Nirvana All same
Moka Enlightenment Nirvana All same thing how do we get
thing how do we get that uh how do you get there or someone
that uh how do you get there or someone else are you there no how how do I get
else are you there no how how do I get there how does anyone get there
there how does anyone get there you sit by yourself and don't do
you sit by yourself and don't do anything for how
long no can't ask that question so the moment that you ask that
question so the moment that you ask that question there's a goal there's a future
question there's a goal there's a future Dimension there's an objective you have
Dimension there's an objective you have to exist without an objective and
to exist without an objective and that'll move you in the right
direction just be for no reason for no purpose recognize that all of this stuff
purpose recognize that all of this stuff this is going to get kind of weird no
this is going to get kind of weird no matter what you do in the world you're
matter what you do in the world you're still existing right so you just need
still existing right so you just need you need to remove all of the stuff and
you need to remove all of the stuff and just
just exist that's what Moka is pure
exist that's what Moka is pure existence without attachment without
existence without attachment without feeling without thought without goal
feeling without thought without goal just being and the crazy thing is we're
just being and the crazy thing is we're all doing this all the time we're all
all doing this all the time we're all existing all the
existing all the time I hear this loud voice from all the
time I hear this loud voice from all the high performing individuals that listen
high performing individuals that listen to my show shouting and it's also coming
to my show shouting and it's also coming from my brain as well which is Dr K if I
from my brain as well which is Dr K if I take this advice and if I just sit how
take this advice and if I just sit how am I going to pay the bills and won't
am I going to pay the bills and won't that cost me my motivation and if it
that cost me my motivation and if it cost me my motivation then it will cost
cost me my motivation then it will cost me my my purpose this art business I've
me my my purpose this art business I've started this cupcake shop I'm running
started this cupcake shop I'm running that's giving me so much excitement in
that's giving me so much excitement in my life when I lose my motivation if I
my life when I lose my motivation if I just sit yes and no so the first thing
just sit yes and no so the first thing we have to understand is yes so someone
we have to understand is yes so someone who's enlightened is not compatible with
who's enlightened is not compatible with a regular life in some ways so let's
a regular life in some ways so let's understand that like that's what
understand that like that's what happened to Buddha he was a king he was
happened to Buddha he was a king he was married he had a kid was loved was
married he had a kid was loved was powerful and was like I'm done is that
powerful and was like I'm done is that Buddha how we pronounce it incorrectly
Buddha how we pronounce it incorrectly Buddha Buddha same thing okay yeah goam
Buddha Buddha same thing okay yeah goam Buddha
Buddha right so in a sense it is incompatible
right so in a sense it is incompatible with life the second thing is that once
with life the second thing is that once see you have a motivation right but once
see you have a motivation right but once you exist in the world and you are just
you exist in the world and you are just being without anything you'll still act
being without anything you'll still act in fact acting will become even easier
in fact acting will become even easier and that's hard to understand because we
and that's hard to understand because we are so used to toxic fuel that we it's
are so used to toxic fuel that we it's kind of
kind of like so if you have kids one day you'll
like so if you have kids one day you'll understand this I can the best I can do
understand this I can the best I can do is an analogy
is an analogy so when a kid comes up to
so when a kid comes up to you and is crying because oh like my you
you and is crying because oh like my you know my doll has has gotten wet okay and
know my doll has has gotten wet okay and the kid comes up to you there's no like
the kid comes up to you there's no like goal that you have in your life and
goal that you have in your life and you're not like trying to be a good dad
you're not like trying to be a good dad like you're I don't know if that makes
like you're I don't know if that makes sense like when a kid when your kid
sense like when a kid when your kid walks up to you and they're upset about
walks up to you and they're upset about something that's irrelevant you just act
something that's irrelevant you just act in response to what is necessary in the
in response to what is necessary in the moment you don't get upset you're not
moment you don't get upset you're not worried about their growth you're not
worried about their growth you're not worried about traumatizing you just
worried about traumatizing you just respond does that kind of make sense
respond does that kind of make sense yeah and so the other thing is like if
yeah and so the other thing is like if I'm walking down the street and someone
I'm walking down the street and someone is carrying groceries and I hold the
is carrying groceries and I hold the door open for them I just respond to the
door open for them I just respond to the environment so what actually happens the
environment so what actually happens the closer you get to this state is you can
closer you get to this state is you can absolutely be productive so what I found
absolutely be productive so what I found is that the closer I get to the state
is that the closer I get to the state the more productive I am but now what
the more productive I am but now what I'm doing is just responding to the
I'm doing is just responding to the environment around me I'm not driving
environment around me I'm not driving anywhere I'm not going anywhere I'm just
anywhere I'm not going anywhere I'm just responding and that beautiful it's
responding and that beautiful it's liberating there's no goal there's no
liberating there's no goal there's no falling short of there's no achievement
falling short of there's no achievement there's just I'm going to do what needs
there's just I'm going to do what needs to be done in the moment if I'm sitting
to be done in the moment if I'm sitting in the emergency room and I'm on call
in the emergency room and I'm on call and a patient walks in the door I'm
and a patient walks in the door I'm going to take care of the patient if
going to take care of the patient if they don't walk in the door I'm going to
they don't walk in the door I'm going to do something else how is that different
do something else how is that different to reacting because reacting sounds a
to reacting because reacting sounds a little bit more emotional whereas you're
little bit more emotional whereas you're saying respond it sounds like emotion
saying respond it sounds like emotion has been removed from the situation to
has been removed from the situation to some degree uh so in a sense it is Rea
some degree uh so in a sense it is Rea I'm responding to the situation but
I'm responding to the situation but often times when we react emotionally we
often times when we react emotionally we are carrying something with us from the
are carrying something with us from the past into the present moment that will
past into the present moment that will cause you all kinds of problems right so
cause you all kinds of problems right so if I have infidelity I worked with a
if I have infidelity I worked with a patient who had a problem with
patient who had a problem with infidelity and their partner and then
infidelity and their partner and then when they're dating the next person
when they're dating the next person their fears of infidelity from the past
their fears of infidelity from the past be come into the present and then they
be come into the present and then they react to the situation they don't
react to the situation they don't actually perfectly respond to the
actually perfectly respond to the situation they color the situation with
situation they color the situation with their baggage that's not clean
their baggage that's not clean responding so like when I am on call and
responding so like when I am on call and my friend tells me the night before oh
my friend tells me the night before oh yeah we had zero patients I slept all
yeah we had zero patients I slept all night and then a patient walks in the
night and then a patient walks in the door and I think to myself why am I so
door and I think to myself why am I so unlucky the majority or even arguably
unlucky the majority or even arguably all of our unhappiness in life is
all of our unhappiness in life is because of what we carry with
because of what we carry with us so how do we get to that place where
us so how do we get to that place where we just
we just respond so I think it's like we have to
respond so I think it's like we have to heal that inner child and all that kind
heal that inner child and all that kind of stuff we have to remove all of our
of stuff we have to remove all of our past from our mind and then we have to
past from our mind and then we have to remove all of the future from our mind
remove all of the future from our mind we have to strive for nothing and just
we have to strive for nothing and just be what you are just be it's like kind
be what you are just be it's like kind of hard to understand but you just got
of hard to understand but you just got to do it there's not like more
to do it there's not like more methodology is not going to
methodology is not going to work that's what's so confusing about it
work that's what's so confusing about it is like you're I'm you're keep on asking
is like you're I'm you're keep on asking me questions I've already given you the
me questions I've already given you the answer you just don't like it no no no
answer you just don't like it no no no no because yeah I'm just uh sometimes
no because yeah I'm just uh sometimes it's good to hear yeah the same thing
it's good to hear yeah the same thing again but also also because I know I'm
again but also also because I know I'm asking these questions in part because I
asking these questions in part because I know it's obviously The Logical question
know it's obviously The Logical question that anyone who just heard you say this
that anyone who just heard you say this Revelation about responding is going to
Revelation about responding is going to go how yeah so so so what I would say is
go how yeah so so so what I would say is just sit down yeah and pay attention to
just sit down yeah and pay attention to yourself that's it that's it I mean you
yourself that's it that's it I mean you can do all the stuff we've given you
can do all the stuff we've given you lots of techniques over the course of
lots of techniques over the course of the last couple hours but like at the
the last couple hours but like at the end of the day just sit down and explore
end of the day just sit down and explore yourself be with yourself impulses come
yourself be with yourself impulses come up and then ask yourself so in a
up and then ask yourself so in a practical sense you're going to have
practical sense you're going to have drivers towards things and ask yourself
drivers towards things and ask yourself why do I feel this way why do I need to
why do I feel this way why do I need to do this why is this easy for me and why
do this why is this easy for me and why is this hard for me and the more that
is this hard for me and the more that you explore that the more you will
you explore that the more you will understand and then the more neutral you
understand and then the more neutral you will become and when you're fully
will become and when you're fully neutral then let me put it to you this
neutral then let me put it to you this way so if you don't care about what you
way so if you don't care about what you eat it's not like there's no suffering
eat it's not like there's no suffering and whatever you get you'll be happy
and whatever you get you'll be happy with right so it's like our caring that
with right so it's like our caring that causes the problem so we need to move
causes the problem so we need to move towards this neutrality and then actions
towards this neutrality and then actions become easy
become easy because if I don't care if I'm not
because if I don't care if I'm not attached to something then I can study
attached to something then I can study or I can play a video game makes no
or I can play a video game makes no difference to me oh do you want to watch
difference to me oh do you want to watch a comedy or a horror movie makes no
a comedy or a horror movie makes no difference to me then life becomes fun
difference to me then life becomes fun you can just enjoy everything and
you can just enjoy everything and there's nothing to worry about and I
there's nothing to worry about and I think it starts with just being with
think it starts with just being with yourself and understanding where your
yourself and understanding where your internal drivers come from because we
internal drivers come from because we don't get to choose the person that we
don't get to choose the person that we become our brain makes adaptations every
become our brain makes adaptations every single day you don't get to edit what
single day you don't get to edit what you learn does that make sense yeah yeah
you learn does that make sense yeah yeah so our problem in life is that we have
so our problem in life is that we have all these learnings we have this
all these learnings we have this instrument this this thing that has been
instrument this this thing that has been cobbled together after some crappy
cobbled together after some crappy experience and another crappy experience
experience and another crappy experience and some positive experience and you
and some positive experience and you have this internal schema of how to live
have this internal schema of how to live the world but it wasn't crafted with any
the world but it wasn't crafted with any intentionality so the first step is to
intentionality so the first step is to be aware of like what is this road map
be aware of like what is this road map looking like what is the blueprint and
looking like what is the blueprint and the more that you understand this stuff
the more that you understand this stuff the easier it will
the easier it will become would you recommend starting your
become would you recommend starting your day with a little gap for this 100%
day with a little gap for this 100% awareness practice I think it's
awareness practice I think it's brilliant my partner does that she
brilliant my partner does that she spends the first sort of 20 minutes of
spends the first sort of 20 minutes of the morning she just goes and sits in a
the morning she just goes and sits in a room by herself and does nothing and I
room by herself and does nothing and I just look at her and go what a
just look at her and go what a psychopath yeah right so beginning of
psychopath yeah right so beginning of your day or end of your day
your day or end of your day sunset uh
sunset uh sunrise and you can do a meditative
sunrise and you can do a meditative practice meditative practices will get
practice meditative practices will get you here too sometimes that's actually
you here too sometimes that's actually easier because it gives your mind some
easier because it gives your mind some kind of goal to move towards I'm going
kind of goal to move towards I'm going to try this okay I'm going to try this
to try this okay I'm going to try this and I'm going to text you and let you
and I'm going to text you and let you know how I get on I'm going to try in
know how I get on I'm going to try in the mornings when I wake up to just stay
the mornings when I wake up to just stay away from all devices and just
away from all devices and just sit and I'll let you know how I get on
sit and I'll let you know how I get on and I'll be honest with you yeah be
and I'll be honest with you yeah be honest with you I will be and even if I
honest with you I will be and even if I can't do it I'll be honest with you yeah
can't do it I'll be honest with you yeah and that's okay so the one thing I would
and that's okay so the one thing I would ask is that if you let me know how it
ask is that if you let me know how it goes may not go
goes may not go well you got to give me a chance to give
well you got to give me a chance to give you a second thing to do okay why why'
you a second thing to do okay why why' you say that
you say that because I think we're asking too much of
because I think we're asking too much of you okay you think I'm going to fail be
you okay you think I'm going to fail be honest yes I think you're going to fail
honest yes I think you're going to fail but I think the problem is that if I
but I think the problem is that if I tell you you're going to fail you're
tell you you're going to fail you're going to try to succeed and we make a
going to try to succeed and we make a goal out of it so we've already failed
goal out of it so we've already failed like so so it's it's so just give me a
like so so it's it's so just give me a second chance I'll figure I'll we'll
second chance I'll figure I'll we'll trick you have we have to trick you into
trick you have we have to trick you into doing it we can't let you know that
doing it we can't let you know that we're doing
it reminds me of what you were saying about your your wife giving birth before
about your your wife giving birth before we started recording about lay on your
we started recording about lay on your left the kid likes it yeah so the mind
left the kid likes it yeah so the mind is so tricky right so the mind will
is so tricky right so the mind will craft a goal for you out of this and if
craft a goal for you out of this and if I tell you Steven you will fail I'm not
I tell you Steven you will fail I'm not trying to manipulate I'm worried that if
trying to manipulate I'm worried that if I tell you you're going to fail you're
I tell you you're going to fail you're going to do
going to do it it's so interesting what my mind did
it it's so interesting what my mind did there as well and it's just and this is
there as well and it's just and this is so icky but I'm going to be honest
so icky but I'm going to be honest because it just what's the point this is
because it just what's the point this is called the dire of a CE so um even when
called the dire of a CE so um even when I thought about doing that like I was
I thought about doing that like I was like okay so sit in the morning spend 20
like okay so sit in the morning spend 20 minutes um just being and then do that
minutes um just being and then do that try and do that Steve like a week or two
try and do that Steve like a week or two weeks and then you can come back on the
weeks and then you can come back on the podcast and tell people about it I'm
podcast and tell people about it I'm like that's [ __ ] you just made this
like that's [ __ ] you just made this about an external thing again good
about an external thing again good brilliant brilliant brilliant brilliant
brilliant brilliant brilliant brilliant you know why what's brilliant about that
you know why what's brilliant about that awareness exactly yeah change is
awareness exactly yeah change is happening change cannot happen while
happening change cannot happen while you're blind you cannot good diagnosis
you're blind you cannot good diagnosis predes good treatment so this is the
predes good treatment so this is the other thing really interesting right so
other thing really interesting right so one last thing I know we're running long
one last thing I know we're running long so this is a habit for you right yeah
for a habit to be this is a very simple technique to demolish any
technique to demolish any habit a habit is automatic that's what
habit a habit is automatic that's what makes it a habit that's why we love
makes it a habit that's why we love habits why is everyone so obsessed with
habits why is everyone so obsessed with habits because if it's a habit then it
habits because if it's a habit then it happens automatically if it's a habit I
happens automatically if it's a habit I don't have to work hard I want to
don't have to work hard I want to program myself so I can be
program myself so I can be lazy so all you need to do to demolish a
lazy so all you need to do to demolish a habit is awareness because literally the
habit is awareness because literally the circuits involved in your brain are
circuits involved in your brain are completely different The Habit circuitry
completely different The Habit circuitry in your brain is the endoc canabo system
in your brain is the endoc canabo system awareness of the present moment is your
awareness of the present moment is your anterior singulate cortex in your
anterior singulate cortex in your frontal loopes you cannot have a habit
frontal loopes you cannot have a habit and exert willpower at the same time
and exert willpower at the same time that's the whole point of a habit so as
that's the whole point of a habit so as you become aware every time you catch it
you become aware every time you catch it Stephen it will chip away at it it'll
Stephen it will chip away at it it'll get cut away 1% 1% 1% until it
get cut away 1% 1% 1% until it disappears catch it as many times as you
disappears catch it as many times as you can is this why it's useful to keep a
can is this why it's useful to keep a diary or to write sort of it can it can
diary or to write sort of it can it can be Diaries have all kinds of other
be Diaries have all kinds of other mechanisms so the just a couple of quick
mechanisms so the just a couple of quick ones so one is that Diaries slow down
ones so one is that Diaries slow down the pace of your thinking because when
the pace of your thinking because when you write you write slower than you
you write you write slower than you think so you me like meditate on the
think so you me like meditate on the thoughts a little bit more the second
thoughts a little bit more the second thing is that a when we think in our
thing is that a when we think in our head we're using some circuits of the
head we're using some circuits of the brain but when we write we are
brain but when we write we are activating our sensory
activating our sensory inputs and our capacity to learn from
inputs and our capacity to learn from our sensory inputs versus thinking is
our sensory inputs versus thinking is actually way
actually way higher right yeah so it's like
higher right yeah so it's like activating a completely different part
activating a completely different part of the brain we're slowing down our
of the brain we're slowing down our thoughts so slowing down thought and
thoughts so slowing down thought and activating our sens sensory inputs is
activating our sens sensory inputs is part of why a diary is useful the other
part of why a diary is useful the other thing the other third thing with a diary
thing the other third thing with a diary being useful is that when we think in
being useful is that when we think in our mind we end up in a different place
our mind we end up in a different place from when we
from when we write so it's a lot easier in our mind
write so it's a lot easier in our mind to end up with habitual patterns of
to end up with habitual patterns of thinking in a diary it's way harder to
thinking in a diary it's way harder to end up with habitual thinking so you
end up with habitual thinking so you will explore yourself more effectively
will explore yourself more effectively using a diary when I look at the first
using a diary when I look at the first pages of my diary I find a guy that's
pages of my diary I find a guy that's constantly and this is really where the
constantly and this is really where the Diary of AO came to be the start of the
Diary of AO came to be the start of the podcast was me sharing my diary the
podcast was me sharing my diary the things I'd written in my diary every day
things I'd written in my diary every day um some of those early episodes that I
um some of those early episodes that I made were about the subject of purpose
made were about the subject of purpose which is something I've heard you speak
which is something I've heard you speak a lot about and that's kind of where I
a lot about and that's kind of where I wanted to end our conversation today is
wanted to end our conversation today is so many people and I know this from the
so many people and I know this from the comments and DMs I get are struggling to
comments and DMs I get are struggling to find their purpose now even as I say
find their purpose now even as I say that I go I've loaded the question
that I go I've loaded the question because I've said find which which
because I've said find which which insinuates there some kind of search and
insinuates there some kind of search and purpose is a singular word so it
purpose is a singular word so it indicates that there's one but you know
indicates that there's one but you know what I'm saying what is that that people
what I'm saying what is that that people are looking for and why are they
are looking for and why are they struggling to find it this is very
struggling to find it this is very simple you can look at any human being
simple you can look at any human being on the planet and you can see that they
on the planet and you can see that they all gravitate towards something which is
all gravitate towards something which is internal peace
internal peace so our hunger gives us a sense when we
so our hunger gives us a sense when we eat then we have internal peace thirst
eat then we have internal peace thirst gives us a sense of wanting to drink and
gives us a sense of wanting to drink and then we have internal peace when we want
then we have internal peace when we want self-respect the feeling of a lack of
self-respect the feeling of a lack of self-respect is a lack of internal peace
self-respect is a lack of internal peace so this is what's kind of weird is that
so this is what's kind of weird is that all of these we're chasing all of these
all of these we're chasing all of these things outside of us to create an
things outside of us to create an internal state right so no matter what
internal state right so no matter what you do in life at some point your
you do in life at some point your actions are going to cross the barrier
actions are going to cross the barrier of the external to the internal and will
of the external to the internal and will make you feel a certain way why do we
make you feel a certain way why do we get married to create a particular
get married to create a particular feeling why do we give someone a kiss to
feeling why do we give someone a kiss to create a particular feeling right so
create a particular feeling right so everything we experience within us now
everything we experience within us now why is it so hard for people so we're
why is it so hard for people so we're all looking for inner peace that's just
all looking for inner peace that's just it period right and then the question
it period right and then the question becomes what makes it hard very simple
becomes what makes it hard very simple because we're looking for it in the
because we're looking for it in the wrong place so we're all looking for it
wrong place so we're all looking for it outside of
outside of us right so we're looking and then what
us right so we're looking and then what happens is if we look for inner peace
happens is if we look for inner peace from the outside so if I get Inner Peace
from the outside so if I get Inner Peace because people tell me Al look you're so
because people tell me Al look you're so great now what happens is that peace
great now what happens is that peace lasts only as long as people are saying
lasts only as long as people are saying it and the real reason we're screwed is
it and the real reason we're screwed is because the biological organism develops
because the biological organism develops a system of tolerance so right now
a system of tolerance so right now you've got 10 million followers and then
you've got 10 million followers and then you're going to need more and then
you're going to need more and then you're going to need more and then
you're going to need more and then you're going to need more we're going to
you're going to need more we're going to need more intense pornography we're
need more intense pornography we're going to need more intense video games
going to need more intense video games we're going to need more exciting TV
we're going to need more exciting TV shows so the nature of the human
shows so the nature of the human organism is to adapt to its surroundings
organism is to adapt to its surroundings which is why you will never succeed if
which is why you will never succeed if you are relying on the outside world to
you are relying on the outside world to make you happy because you will just
make you happy because you will just want more and more and more and what
want more and more and more and what helps you achieve happiness comes from
helps you achieve happiness comes from in here that's why it's so hard for
in here that's why it's so hard for everyone so these kids asking saying
everyone so these kids asking saying that they can't find their purpose
that they can't find their purpose they're in jobs they they don't like or
they're in jobs they they don't like or they're you know embarking on their
they're you know embarking on their professional Journeys and they don't
professional Journeys and they don't know what their purpose is what is it
know what their purpose is what is it you say to them when they DM
you say to them when they DM you um so I I think uh one thing I would
you um so I I think uh one thing I would say to them is purpose is an attitude
say to them is purpose is an attitude it's not a
it's not a thing right so like it take any action
thing right so like it take any action what makes that action align with your
what makes that action align with your purpose it's the attitude that you take
purpose it's the attitude that you take towards
towards it so if I give you this meditation
it so if I give you this meditation practice to sit and do nothing you're
practice to sit and do nothing you're like yeah it's part of my purpose and
like yeah it's part of my purpose and part of my growth you see what I mean
part of my growth you see what I mean like it's all about the way that your
like it's all about the way that your mind a purpose is not purpose is an
mind a purpose is not purpose is an attitude it's not like a
attitude it's not like a goal so I'll even do this like so when I
goal so I'll even do this like so when I was in in you know in residency like
was in in you know in residency like sometimes I would have students who were
sometimes I would have students who were struggling right and like since I'm a
struggling right and like since I'm a nice guy people would come to me and
nice guy people would come to me and they're like hey I'm struggling like I
they're like hey I'm struggling like I don't want to learn this stuff and and
don't want to learn this stuff and and what we really do is we shift their
what we really do is we shift their purpose by shifting their attitude
purpose by shifting their attitude they're like I'm not interested in
they're like I'm not interested in Psychiatry I'm like fair enough so
Psychiatry I'm like fair enough so here's the thing you got to understand
here's the thing you got to understand for the rest of your life no matter what
for the rest of your life no matter what kind of medicine you practice you're
kind of medicine you practice you're going to get people people who are
going to get people people who are mentally ill and or addicted to things
mentally ill and or addicted to things who are going to be personality
who are going to be personality disordered I can guarantee you that the
disordered I can guarantee you that the worst days of your life will have
worst days of your life will have nothing to do with surgery they're going
nothing to do with surgery they're going to have to do with having a personality
to have to do with having a personality disordered sociopathic narcissistic
disordered sociopathic narcissistic borderline personality disorder patient
borderline personality disorder patient who is making a mess on the floor nurses
who is making a mess on the floor nurses are going to be paging you no one is
are going to be paging you no one is going to want to talk to them this is
going to want to talk to them this is vitally important for you to learn no
vitally important for you to learn no matter what you're interested in so it's
matter what you're interested in so it's about the attitude the other thing that
about the attitude the other thing that I'll do with students is they're like so
I'll do with students is they're like so worried about getting honors they're
worried about getting honors they're like oh I got to get a good grade I got
like oh I got to get a good grade I got this is Harvard right so these are like
this is Harvard right so these are like really gunning medical students and I
really gunning medical students and I was like you guys are missing the point
was like you guys are missing the point you're not here to get honors you're
you're not here to get honors you're here to practice medicine so one day
here to practice medicine so one day you're going to be on an airplane and
you're going to be on an airplane and you're going to hear the flight
you're going to hear the flight attendant pick up the phone they're
attendant pick up the phone they're going to be like is there a doctor on
going to be like is there a doctor on the
the plane and then you don't get to say oh
plane and then you don't get to say oh sorry I it's not something I'm
sorry I it's not something I'm interested in I just got a pass I can't
interested in I just got a pass I can't you don't get to say that you're here to
you don't get to say that you're here to learn how to save life
learn how to save life lives right and so that attitude when it
lives right and so that attitude when it sinks in with them changes the way that
sinks in with them changes the way that they learn I don't care what your gr is
they learn I don't care what your gr is it's not about the grade it's about like
it's not about the grade it's about like we're trying to teach you medicine
we're trying to teach you medicine because you're going to need it one day
because you're going to need it one day a lot of people have seemingly found
a lot of people have seemingly found their purpose but then they get a little
their purpose but then they get a little bit of a quto lifee crisis and I've
bit of a quto lifee crisis and I've never really heard this term quto life
never really heard this term quto life crisis before until you started speaking
crisis before until you started speaking about it what is a quarter life crisis
about it what is a quarter life crisis and what is actually going on there so a
and what is actually going on there so a quarter life crisis is something that
quarter life crisis is something that we're seeing like more and more of so
we're seeing like more and more of so usually what happens is that see early
usually what happens is that see early on you asked earlier if if we have you
on you asked earlier if if we have you know dreams right so I have a dream of
know dreams right so I have a dream of something but I don't really know what
something but I don't really know what it is so I'm 15 years old I pick a dream
it is so I'm 15 years old I pick a dream I start advancing towards it and our our
I start advancing towards it and our our when we form our life what we try to do
when we form our life what we try to do is we we develop a conception and then
is we we develop a conception and then we live up to that conception so I'm
we live up to that conception so I'm going to be a doctor one day and then
going to be a doctor one day and then the reality of our the reality is very
the reality of our the reality is very different from our dreams so then what
different from our dreams so then what happens is we tend to find ourselves in
happens is we tend to find ourselves in a place that we're like not happy with
a place that we're like not happy with so I see this a lot from like people who
so I see this a lot from like people who are like oh I want to be like a
are like oh I want to be like a programmer but then they're working in
programmer but then they're working in this environment where there's like you
this environment where there's like you know there's always like scope creep
know there's always like scope creep there's like burn like the Sprints are
there's like burn like the Sprints are very exhausting it's burned out like I'm
very exhausting it's burned out like I'm not happy here so the first stage of a
not happy here so the first stage of a quarter life crisis is feeling trapped
quarter life crisis is feeling trapped now you've invested all of this time and
now you've invested all of this time and energy into like you know medicine or
energy into like you know medicine or being a doctor and you spent years or
being a doctor and you spent years or like being a programmer now you're
like being a programmer now you're trapped in this situation because you've
trapped in this situation because you've invested so much time the second thing
invested so much time the second thing that happens in a quarter life crisis so
that happens in a quarter life crisis so people are like this is what it it
people are like this is what it it sounds like so I wake up every day I
sounds like so I wake up every day I pack my lunch I drive in traffic I'm at
pack my lunch I drive in traffic I'm at my job where I'm underappreciated I'm
my job where I'm underappreciated I'm not challenged I drive home I'm supposed
not challenged I drive home I'm supposed to take care of myself so I'm going to
to take care of myself so I'm going to listen to step's podcast on the way home
listen to step's podcast on the way home I'm going to work out I'm going to do
I'm going to work out I'm going to do laundry I'm going to eat a couple of
laundry I'm going to eat a couple of chicken breasts and then it's time for
chicken breasts and then it's time for sleep and you do this for about two
sleep and you do this for about two years and you're like is this life what
years and you're like is this life what else can I do so it starts with a
else can I do so it starts with a feeling of being trapped second thing
feeling of being trapped second thing that happens is people mentally check
that happens is people mentally check out so you'll feel like I don't I'm not
out so you'll feel like I don't I'm not passionate about my
passionate about my job now this is where people make a big
job now this is where people make a big mistake because if you look at the
mistake because if you look at the research on quarter life crisis what
research on quarter life crisis what they will try to do is check back in
they will try to do is check back in they'll try to cultivate some sense of
they'll try to cultivate some sense of Joy or like how do I get engaged in life
Joy or like how do I get engaged in life but this is what's really interesting is
but this is what's really interesting is mentally checking out is an important
mentally checking out is an important developmental step to growth so if you
developmental step to growth so if you don't check out of your existing job or
don't check out of your existing job or your existing relationship there's no
your existing relationship there's no space in your mind for a new one so we
space in your mind for a new one so we have to mentally check out it's actually
have to mentally check out it's actually part of the process then this is where
part of the process then this is where things get really interesting if we look
things get really interesting if we look at the successful navigation of a
at the successful navigation of a quarter life crisis we all feel trapped
quarter life crisis we all feel trapped then we check out we think this is a bad
then we check out we think this is a bad thing then what gets really interesting
thing then what gets really interesting is that there's usually some kind of
is that there's usually some kind of intentional moving away so in my case I
intentional moving away so in my case I literally like went to India so we know
literally like went to India so we know that that human beings need to create
that that human beings need to create some amount of psychological or physical
some amount of psychological or physical space I've had patients who have joined
space I've had patients who have joined the military I've had patients who have
the military I've had patients who have like driven cross country you need space
like driven cross country you need space like physical space and mental space
like physical space and mental space away from what you're checked out from
away from what you're checked out from then we get to something that's really
then we get to something that's really interesting so you asked this question
interesting so you asked this question how do you find purpose purpose is not
how do you find purpose purpose is not something you find it's not like you're
something you find it's not like you're walking down the street and like oh or
walking down the street and like oh or you're meditating and it's like ah I
you're meditating and it's like ah I have purpose purpose is crafted right so
have purpose purpose is crafted right so once we're mentally we mentally check
once we're mentally we mentally check out that allows us to distance ourselves
out that allows us to distance ourselves because if we don't mentally check out
because if we don't mentally check out and we step away we're going to feel
and we step away we're going to feel guilt we're going to feel like you know
guilt we're going to feel like you know we have to check out we have to give up
we have to check out we have to give up on it otherwise we'll stay stuck does
on it otherwise we'll stay stuck does that kind of make sense so then what we
that kind of make sense so then what we have to do is a period of
have to do is a period of self-exploration and craftsmanship so
self-exploration and craftsmanship so then what we do is like discover okay
then what we do is like discover okay who am I what do I really want we we
who am I what do I really want we we connect with our internal selves so this
connect with our internal selves so this is really important about a quarter life
is really important about a quarter life crisis the first phase of our life we
crisis the first phase of our life we are living up to external expectations
are living up to external expectations and it's not really about what I want I
and it's not really about what I want I think I want to become a doctor but what
think I want to become a doctor but what do I really know I'm not really
do I really know I'm not really listening to myself I'm just being
listening to myself I'm just being programmed by my conditioning so we
programmed by my conditioning so we start out being very externally focused
start out being very externally focused then we feel trapped then we check out
then we feel trapped then we check out then we move away then we discover who
then we move away then we discover who we discover you don't discover it's not
we discover you don't discover it's not there you craft who you are you get in
there you craft who you are you get in touch with yourself
touch with yourself and then comes the last phase of the
and then comes the last phase of the quarter life crisis which is that you
quarter life crisis which is that you craft an external
craft an external world based on your internal environment
world based on your internal environment so now your compass is dictating what
so now your compass is dictating what you do you find a relationship that
you do you find a relationship that resonates with you to begin with and so
resonates with you to begin with and so in my case and your case probably we
in my case and your case probably we probably did this in some way we failed
probably did this in some way we failed we did something new and then we like
we did something new and then we like figured out okay this is what excites me
figured out okay this is what excites me right so at some point growth excites
right so at some point growth excites you you so now like this endeavor is
you you so now like this endeavor is about growth it's about helping people
about growth it's about helping people so now you're crafting your external
so now you're crafting your external life based on what you've discovered
life based on what you've discovered about yourself internally and that's
about yourself internally and that's kind of the last
kind of the last phase the problem that people run into
phase the problem that people run into is that they don't realize that this
is that they don't realize that this sequence is necessary and you have to do
sequence is necessary and you have to do it in this order yeah I was thinking
it in this order yeah I was thinking about so many of my friends as you
about so many of my friends as you described this process that have come to
described this process that have come to me for advice recently um these are
me for advice recently um these are friends who have quit their business so
friends who have quit their business so they've sold their company yeah and then
they've sold their company yeah and then they've taken you know two months off
they've taken you know two months off they've got so agitated and in two cases
they've got so agitated and in two cases that I can describe a very big companies
that I can describe a very big companies everyone listening would know that
everyone listening would know that friend has gone back to the business
friend has gone back to the business absolutely so I mean I've had I can
absolutely so I mean I've had I can think of two people as well who you know
think of two people as well who you know one one person you know sold a company
one one person you know sold a company at 29 for ton of money and then they
at 29 for ton of money and then they were like tried to find themselves for a
were like tried to find themselves for a year or two and then went back to
year or two and then went back to starting companies yeah right but but my
starting companies yeah right but but my friends actually went back into the same
friends actually went back into the same company I've seen that too like bought
company I've seen that too like bought the company back or went back in as CEO
the company back or went back in as CEO yeah I've seen someone bought a company
yeah I've seen someone bought a company didn't manage it properly value declined
didn't manage it properly value declined and then you buy it back you're net
and then you buy it back you're net positive and then you run it and it goes
positive and then you run it and it goes well my mentor said to me when I left my
well my mentor said to me when I left my first business which um is what made
first business which um is what made gave me sort of Financial Freedom he
gave me sort of Financial Freedom he said to me when I called him it was in
said to me when I called him it was in the middle of the pandemic and I said
the middle of the pandemic and I said I've sold the company now and I'm I'm
I've sold the company now and I'm I'm out and I'm sold my shares over the
out and I'm sold my shares over the market in a private transaction and it's
market in a private transaction and it's the pandemic like the world has stopped
the pandemic like the world has stopped and you know what I'm like so I'm like
and you know what I'm like so I'm like well what do I do now and he said to me
well what do I do now and he said to me it's my friend Shaq Shaquille Khan he
it's my friend Shaq Shaquille Khan he said the hardest thing in the world for
said the hardest thing in the world for you to do and the most important thing
you to do and the most important thing for you to do is to do nothing and he
for you to do is to do nothing and he was like you just need to sit and you
was like you just need to sit and you need to do nothing he goes because
need to do nothing he goes because you're going to get all these urges
you're going to get all these urges Steve to go back and start a similar
Steve to go back and start a similar business the same business um because
business the same business um because you can and you know you can but he goes
you can and you know you can but he goes the reason why you are successful the
the reason why you are successful the first time around is now kind of expired
first time around is now kind of expired like you did that so the thing that's
like you did that so the thing that's going to drive you every day and give
going to drive you every day and give that sense of like feel motivation and
that sense of like feel motivation and purpose is going to be something else
purpose is going to be something else and you're going to need to create a
and you're going to need to create a space for it to emerge and I say that to
space for it to emerge and I say that to Founders all the time that like exit
Founders all the time that like exit their businesses or leave their
their businesses or leave their companies is you have to basically do
companies is you have to basically do this painful process of like sitting on
this painful process of like sitting on your hands for like a year and being
your hands for like a year and being patient and waiting yeah and that's kind
patient and waiting yeah and that's kind of what you were saying you're saying
of what you were saying you're saying about cultivating this um this new life
about cultivating this um this new life but from inside out not from outside in
but from inside out not from outside in because you get so many offers you get
because you get so many offers you get so many opportunities and offers in that
so many opportunities and offers in that space um but those again aren't yours
space um but those again aren't yours you didn't cultivate them they just came
you didn't cultivate them they just came to you so yeah it's such a beautiful way
to you so yeah it's such a beautiful way to put it like living your life from the
to put it like living your life from the inside out as opposed to the outside in
inside out as opposed to the outside in and and that's that's like that's what
and and that's that's like that's what people should
people should do that's what you help people do and
do that's what you help people do and that's what you've helped me do every
that's what you've helped me do every time we spoke and every time we speak
time we spoke and every time we speak it's it's on one hand it's so
it's it's on one hand it's so informative and so um wise and so unique
informative and so um wise and so unique because you're combining disciplines and
because you're combining disciplines and you're doing it in such a wonderfully
you're doing it in such a wonderfully smooth fluent and
smooth fluent and logical way my brain is struggles when
logical way my brain is struggles when anything gets a little bit too fluffy or
anything gets a little bit too fluffy or like Airy fairy but as you speak you
like Airy fairy but as you speak you weave these worlds together in such a
weave these worlds together in such a wonderful way and at the other end it's
wonderful way and at the other end it's really confronting and I am someone that
really confronting and I am someone that likes the confrontation because you know
likes the confrontation because you know I gives you an opportunity to
I gives you an opportunity to grow no because I just I what like what
grow no because I just I what like what an absolute honor that I get to sit with
an absolute honor that I get to sit with someone like you who's like super smart
someone like you who's like super smart and gone to Har and all these things and
and gone to Har and all these things and I get to work through some of the the
I get to work through some of the the things that that I struggle with but
things that that I struggle with but also I also realize as um a podcaster
also I also realize as um a podcaster that it's the most the most value that I
that it's the most the most value that I think I can give to the audience is like
think I can give to the audience is like me being honest about myself yeah that
me being honest about myself yeah that is the information that is in greatest
is the information that is in greatest demand but in least Supply in the world
demand but in least Supply in the world is people doing what we just did I you
is people doing what we just did I you know what I mean does that make sense I
know what I mean does that make sense I I it's it's a a brilliant I mean I just
I it's it's a a brilliant I mean I just I love the way that you put thoughts
I love the way that you put thoughts together right so I I think that's
together right so I I think that's correct so I I think if we look at the
correct so I I think if we look at the success of this podcast your
success of this podcast your authenticity is such a huge part of it
authenticity is such a huge part of it and also what's happening is we're
and also what's happening is we're getting so much like derivative content
getting so much like derivative content we're getting like five tips for this
we're getting like five tips for this and five tips for that and 10 techniques
and five tips for that and 10 techniques to do this and and what what's missing
to do this and and what what's missing is like authenticity I've thought about
is like authenticity I've thought about this so much man it's like how do you
this so much man it's like how do you ask obviously my job is to ask questions
ask obviously my job is to ask questions right and the longer I've done this
right and the longer I've done this podcast what I've come to realizes the
podcast what I've come to realizes the best questions are the ones that no one
best questions are the ones that no one could give me that are like deep in my
could give me that are like deep in my heart somewhere that I've would maybe
heart somewhere that I've would maybe been too scared to like to say out loud
been too scared to like to say out loud and when I get closer to those questions
and when I get closer to those questions the conversations are so much more
the conversations are so much more valuable for the audience and I can rank
valuable for the audience and I can rank the conversations essentially based on
the conversations essentially based on how much the questions came from my soul
how much the questions came from my soul and then the like metric that I I might
and then the like metric that I I might measure um it based on is the amount of
measure um it based on is the amount of people that message me and the length of
people that message me and the length of the message they send because if I ask
the message they send because if I ask questions from my soul the messages that
questions from my soul the messages that they send me get exponentially longer it
they send me get exponentially longer it it becomes like they send me
it becomes like they send me pages when you know these are my
pages when you know these are my questions if I make a conversation about
questions if I make a conversation about the gut microbiome people might say hey
the gut microbiome people might say hey I love that podcast but gut micro biome
I love that podcast but gut micro biome I'm meeting leafy veg now but when they
I'm meeting leafy veg now but when they come from my soul yeah it's like the
come from my soul yeah it's like the world gives me that back if you know
world gives me that back if you know what I mean absolutely and I I I think
what I mean absolutely and I I I think that's that's what that's why I really
that's that's what that's why I really love doing this it's a privilege for me
love doing this it's a privilege for me too and I think like this is a very
too and I think like this is a very common issue and I think we've been kind
common issue and I think we've been kind of skirting not skirting around we've
of skirting not skirting around we've touched on this issue several times but
touched on this issue several times but you've asked me what do we do right what
you've asked me what do we do right what is what is the answer I think the one
is what is the answer I think the one thing I've learned for 10 years of being
thing I've learned for 10 years of being a medical doctor
a medical doctor is it's not about finding the right
is it's not about finding the right answers it's about asking the right
answers it's about asking the right questions that is the methodology
questions that is the methodology because an answer is outside of you it
because an answer is outside of you it theoretically applies to all people but
theoretically applies to all people but if you really want to be your best self
if you really want to be your best self that answer needs to be tailored to you
that answer needs to be tailored to you specifically to you and that answer what
specifically to you and that answer what works for you only you know right right
works for you only you know right right I don't know what's going to work for
I don't know what's going to work for you or anyone else because I don't have
you or anyone else because I don't have information about your internal
information about your internal environment MH so the real key is not
environment MH so the real key is not about finding the right answers it's
about finding the right answers it's about asking the right questions so that
about asking the right questions so that you can get the data within that applies
you can get the data within that applies to you 100% why do we have so much
to you 100% why do we have so much advice on the internet because none of
advice on the internet because none of it applies 100% to your unique genetics
it applies 100% to your unique genetics your unique epigenetics your experiences
your unique epigenetics your experiences your traumas your dormant unconscious
your traumas your dormant unconscious so that's what you need to do is is
so that's what you need to do is is develop a plan that is only going to
develop a plan that is only going to work for you and that's not about an
work for you and that's not about an answer it's about a methodology how do
answer it's about a methodology how do you think I could be a better podcaster
you think I could be a better podcaster and I guess we have to Define what
and I guess we have to Define what better means but how do you think that I
better means but how do you think that I could I don't think you can be a better
could I don't think you can be a better podcaster and I think you should stop
podcaster and I think you should stop trying okay I think you should do
trying okay I think you should do exactly what you are doing and recognize
exactly what you are doing and recognize that you you are enough so just keep
that you you are enough so just keep doing what you're doing you shouldn't
doing what you're doing you shouldn't try to be better this is all a part of
try to be better this is all a part of your journey mhm I I don't think you no
your journey mhm I I don't think you no I don't accept the question I don't
I don't accept the question I don't think you can be better I think the
think you can be better I think the concept of better is literally
concept of better is literally hypothetical does that make sense makes
hypothetical does that make sense makes perfect sense you just are so just be
perfect sense you just are so just be yeah it's funny because the the more in
yeah it's funny because the the more in my life that I've just
my life that I've just been um the better everything has got
been um the better everything has got and including my romantic relationship
and including my romantic relationship with my partner it's just it's there's a
with my partner it's just it's there's a real correlation between just being
real correlation between just being and I don't know seemingly things just
and I don't know seemingly things just figuring themselves out it's kind of
figuring themselves out it's kind of goes back to what I was saying about
goes back to what I was saying about like the Louis Vuitton of my life and
like the Louis Vuitton of my life and then they're like post l t around I had
then they're like post l t around I had better results when I was just being so
better results when I was just being so exactly and this podcast was based on
exactly and this podcast was based on that it was based on me just being um
that it was based on me just being um which was scary it was really scary at
which was scary it was really scary at the start it was scary just talking
the start it was scary just talking about these things publicly at the start
about these things publicly at the start you
you know Dr K we have a closing tradition on
know Dr K we have a closing tradition on this podcast where the last guest leaves
this podcast where the last guest leaves a question for the next and the question
a question for the next and the question that's been left for you
that's been left for you is what is your rich
is what is your rich life I guess the one that I've
life I guess the one that I've got I mean that you know what it doesn't
got I mean that you know what it doesn't matter what the adjective is the the
matter what the adjective is the the only life I have is the one that I've
only life I have is the one that I've got so what is my rich life what is my
got so what is my rich life what is my poor life what is my good life what is
poor life what is my good life what is my bad life it's the one that I have and
my bad life it's the one that I have and and I'll kind of leave with like one
and I'll kind of leave with like one last thought so I saw something really
last thought so I saw something really interesting in a study about aging so
interesting in a study about aging so you know there's all this loneliness
you know there's all this loneliness epidemic going on so it's really
epidemic going on so it's really interesting because if you look at
interesting because if you look at it scientifically
it scientifically logically as we get older our life gets
logically as we get older our life gets objectively
objectively worse so we lose friends so literally
worse so we lose friends so literally over time the number of friends you have
over time the number of friends you have as you get older like they literally
as you get older like they literally start dying um we lose relationships our
start dying um we lose relationships our physical body starts to break down so
physical body starts to break down so like our life objectively by certain
like our life objectively by certain measures gets worse so what's really
measures gets worse so what's really interesting is that you'd expect old
interesting is that you'd expect old people are like more depressed because
people are like more depressed because their life is objectively worse
their life is objectively worse and sometimes they are but there's one
and sometimes they are but there's one variable that correlates with being
variable that correlates with being content in life versus being unhappy in
content in life versus being unhappy in life and that is how okay you are with a
life and that is how okay you are with a Bittersweet life so the more engaged
Bittersweet life so the more engaged with this concept of something being
with this concept of something being Bittersweet you are as you get older the
Bittersweet you are as you get older the more content you will be so I think my
more content you will be so I think my answer to that question is like
answer to that question is like embracing the bittersweetness of life
embracing the bittersweetness of life like there's piss in there and there's
like there's piss in there and there's sugar
sugar and that's just what it is thank you so
and that's just what it is thank you so much Dr K I really appreciate it you're
much Dr K I really appreciate it you're a very special human being and um I feel
a very special human being and um I feel indebted to you because you you know I
indebted to you because you you know I wish I could speak to you every day but
wish I could speak to you every day but this is why people need to go read your
this is why people need to go read your books and follow your YouTube channel
books and follow your YouTube channel because uh in that regard we can um and
because uh in that regard we can um and I hope to have many more conversations
I hope to have many more conversations with you about all of these things as I
with you about all of these things as I continue on my journey towards I don't
continue on my journey towards I don't know where the [ __ ] I'm going but but
know where the [ __ ] I'm going but but thank you so much you're a really really
thank you so much you're a really really special human being it's been an honor
special human being it's been an honor to be here and an absolute pleasure
to be here and an absolute pleasure thank you so much Stephen
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