0:01 this is the whole problem that everyone
0:03 makes anytime we have a problem the
0:05 first thing that we do is we try to jump
0:07 to a solution if I'm unhappy in life I
0:08 need to make more money if I'm
0:10 struggling with dating I need to be
0:12 sexier it's a concept that I call toxic
0:14 Fuel and that will never work because if
0:16 I give you a glass of water and then I
0:18 piss it and then I add sugar it doesn't
0:20 remove the piss because no amount of
0:22 building something good will remove
0:24 something bad in order to change
0:27 Behavior what you need to do is save
0:29 treat Dr K is the Harvard trained
0:30 psychiatrist and former monks
0:32 specializing in modern mental health
0:33 blending Neuroscience with real life
0:35 wisdom to help millions of people unlock
0:37 their true potential there's a
0:39 loneliness epidemic social anxiety is
0:40 increasing and falling in love seems
0:42 harder but we have all the answers the
0:43 problem is that everyone is doing the
0:45 wrong things now first of all talking
0:47 about our problems can absolutely make
0:48 things worse because there's a
0:50 particular way we have to talk but we're
0:52 not taught how to do that the second
0:53 thing is that we are struggling to fall
0:54 in love and that's actually because
0:56 we're exhausting our dopamine through
0:58 things like devices yeah people don't
1:01 realize and then the in social anxiety
1:02 is because everyone is texting so the
1:05 parts of our brain that reassure Us in
1:08 social situations are starting to rust
1:09 so there are core things that we have to
1:13 start doing so the first is that Dr K
1:14 why don't people achieve their goals now
1:16 this is really interesting there are two
1:17 kinds of people in life there are people
1:19 who like I'm going to advance towards my
1:20 goals and then there are the rest of us
1:22 who are like you know I'm trying to be
1:24 like these people who are productive but
1:25 I'm going to do nothing and Trauma is
1:27 the big difference here really yeah and
1:31 this is what tends to happen so
1:34 question if you could sit at a table
1:35 with any four guests from the dire of
1:38 CEO who would you choose here's a
1:41 challenge for the entire D CEO Community
1:43 if we hit 10 million subscribers by the
1:47 end of 2024 you will get to pick four
1:49 guests for your dream conversation and
1:50 you can make it weird or you can make it
1:53 wonderful and here is the best part
1:56 3,000 of you that subscribe will be
1:59 invited to join this conversation live
2:03 in person and for free subscribe now and
2:07 [Music]
2:11 together Dr K if you had to
2:14 summarize what you do for people
2:16 people
2:18 professionally how would you summarize
2:21 it I help them understand themselves and
2:24 now expand for me what that
2:26 means yeah so so here's the thing right
2:29 so there are two great Traditions that
2:30 have taught us
2:33 about how humans work one tradition is
2:34 spirituality which we've had for a
2:35 couple thousand years the other
2:37 tradition is science which we've seen an
2:40 explosion of especially in the fields of
2:41 like neuroscience and Psychiatry over
2:44 the last 20 years and so these are the
2:46 two places that human beings learn about
2:48 themselves so when I work with someone
2:50 what I try to do is draw on both of
2:53 those traditions and I especially focus
2:56 on the area of spirituality that has scientific
2:58 scientific
3:00 verification and teach people people
3:02 like how they work so in the same way
3:03 that if we think about like you know
3:05 when you buy a car you have like a
3:07 manual that is in the glove compartment
3:10 that tells you what everything is and
3:12 how it works the problem is that in life
3:14 like we don't have that manual for
3:17 ourselves but we do have these two great
3:19 Traditions that can teach us so much
3:21 about this stuff and so what I try to do
3:23 is basically translate those two
3:25 Traditions to an individual the
3:28 situation they face the challenges they
3:29 face and the goals that they want to
3:32 achieve and what experiences and work
3:35 are you drawing on to arrive at the
3:36 conclusions and the support that you
3:38 give people what have you done in your
3:39 life what experiences have you had how
3:41 many patients have you seen the first
3:44 experience that I draw on is my own so I
3:46 struggled a lot in high school college
3:48 failed out of college was addicted to
3:50 video games had no idea what I wanted to
3:52 do with my life then I went to India at
3:55 the age of 21 to find myself and I found
3:56 myself I spent about seven years
3:59 studying to become a monk um so that was
4:02 very very formative in helping me see
4:05 how human beings work but then I was
4:06 really like kind of skeptical a lot of a
4:08 lot of that stuff so I started doing
4:10 Neuroscience research for a couple years
4:12 I had a couple of spiritual experiences
4:14 and I was super curious like what is
4:17 happening in the brain I'm starting to
4:19 change as a human being but like that
4:21 has to be at a neuroscientific level as
4:24 well then I ended up going to medical
4:26 school so I I was thinking about how can
4:29 I learn the most about human beings so
4:30 consider doing like a PhD in
4:31 Neuroscience But ultimately went the
4:33 medical route because you know the brain
4:36 exists within the body um became a a
4:39 doctor um became a psychiatrist because
4:41 the mind was my favorite organ um
4:42 trained at Harvard Medical School where
4:45 I was faculty for a few years and then
4:47 you know over the last couple of years
4:50 have focused a lot on addiction
4:52 Psychiatry and also like
4:54 performance-based stuff so once we understand
4:55 understand
4:57 okay I once had a patient for example
4:59 who came in after about 2 and a half
5:02 years and was like Dr K I'm still
5:04 depressed and then I assessed them right
5:06 so when when someone has like a mood
5:08 disorder they have like depression which
5:09 causes them problems in their
5:11 professional life causes them problems
5:12 in their personal life and I ask them
5:13 are you having problems in your
5:15 professional life and they're like no
5:16 are you having problems in your personal
5:18 life they're like no but I still feel
5:20 the same and that's when I told them I
5:23 said Mike you're not depressed you're
5:26 unhappy and there's a difference and
5:27 then he turned to me and he's like well
5:29 what do we do about that and I was like
5:30 I don't know but let's see if we can
5:32 figure it out so really the work that I
5:35 do is on that whole Continuum of
5:37 pathology where something within you is
5:40 broken but then going from negative 100
5:42 to zero is what medicine does right a
5:44 doctor is not going to help you become
5:46 healthy they are going to remove
5:49 sickness and then from zero to positive
5:51 100 is when we really draw on things
5:53 like spiritual traditions because
5:54 meditation if you look at like the
5:56 teachings of the Buddha the Buddha was
5:59 not using mindfulness to treat social
6:00 anxiety to disorder he was using
6:03 mindfulness to attain Enlightenment to
6:05 attain the heights of human Perfection
6:07 and so that whole Continuum is where I
6:10 work it's so interesting you mentioned
6:13 there the case of Mike he came to you
6:16 and he had self- diagnosed his situation
6:18 and I'm not surprised frankly because of
6:19 the world we live in now there's a lot
6:21 of people calling a lot of things
6:22 depression and anxiety we kind of Ed
6:25 that word quite flippantly when we go
6:27 through different moods and situations
6:29 how do you think the whole Mental Health
6:31 and psychology sort of Revolution we've
6:34 seen over the last 10 years and the Tik
6:37 Tock ification of mental health has led us
6:39 us
6:42 astray so I think um there are some
6:43 things that are good about it and some
6:45 things that are problematic so I think
6:47 the really good thing about it is that
6:51 there is a lot more awareness of mental
6:53 health so we now realize so what I used
6:56 to see about 10 years ago right when I
6:58 was seeing patients is like people would
7:01 come in and they would not realize that
7:03 this is a problem that can be fixed so
7:05 people would come into my office and
7:07 they'd say I'm a loser other people are
7:09 able to get out of bed they're able to
7:10 have discipline they're they're
7:13 productive they're happy but I'm a loser
7:15 I have no willpower I'm pathetic I can't
7:17 get out of bed people didn't realize
7:19 that that was depression I've worked
7:21 with so many people who have adult
7:24 diagnosis of ADHD which uh many years
7:26 ago you couldn't even be diagnosed as an
7:28 adult ADHD had to be something that was
7:30 kind of like a pediatric
7:33 diagnosis so now I think the the best
7:35 thing is that people recognize that okay
7:36 there maybe this maybe what is wrong
7:38 with me is not like me I'm not
7:41 fundamentally broken in some way but
7:43 there is some kind of process going on
7:45 in my brain in my mind that is
7:48 responsible for my problems and if I fix
7:51 that then I can be well now on the flip
7:54 side what started to happen is no one on
7:56 the internet understands the concept of
7:59 differential diagnosis so everyone is
8:01 like oh I have a Tik Tok that if this if
8:04 you sometimes forget your keys you have
8:07 ADHD if you are happy in the morning in
8:09 satday if you have a kid who throws
8:11 temper tantrums they're bipolar so
8:13 everyone is taking a symptom and jumping
8:16 jumping to a diagnosis whereas like
8:18 literally half of what we learn in med
8:19 school and what we do as doctors is
8:21 everyone thinks it's about treatment
8:22 it's about differential diagnosis it's
8:24 about understanding that if you lose
8:27 your keys there are all kinds of reasons
8:29 for that if you have difficulty getting
8:31 out of bed maybe it's depression maybe
8:33 it's trauma maybe it's ADHD maybe it's
8:36 anemia maybe it's obstructive sleep
8:38 apnea and so the biggest problem is that
8:41 everyone is jumping to a conclusion on
8:43 the internet which then causes problems
8:45 because that may not be the right
8:47 conclusion we spoke last time about men
8:49 yeah um and there was a lot of
8:51 discussion around just this this world
8:52 difference between how men are feeling
8:54 in the world and how they're being
8:56 understood in the world versus women we
8:57 before we started recording you said
8:58 your thoughts have developed even
9:01 further since we last spoke on that yeah
9:02 so I think um there are a couple things
9:05 to understand so the first is that if
9:07 you're a man who's struggling in the world
9:08 world
9:12 today we as men assume that if we're
9:13 struggling we need to fix something on
9:16 the outside right so if I am not making
9:19 enough money the answer to that is to
9:21 get some additional certification or
9:23 become more prod productive maybe use
9:25 some kind of supplement so that men are
9:27 fundamentally different because we are
9:29 conditioned and this could be somewhat
9:31 biolog iCal but it's certainly societal
9:34 to solve our problems externally but the
9:35 one overwhelming thing that I've learned
9:37 about men is that you know if you're a
9:41 man who wants to get better 90% of what
9:42 you need to do is not outside of you
9:44 it's actually inside of you but this is
9:46 not where men look right we we think
9:48 like okay I need to get this kind of car
9:50 I need to get sexier I need to be able
9:52 to bench twice as much so we always look
9:54 to things outside of ourselves but in
9:56 the majority of the work that I've done
9:58 with men really the work that they need
10:00 to do is internal but we're not taught
10:02 how to do that there's a really great
10:03 example of this so if you look at the
10:07 top 1% of earners versus the top 10% so
10:10 the top 10% of earners on the planet
10:14 have a higher IQ than the top 1% the
10:17 people who actually make the most money
10:20 have a lower IQ than the the cortile
10:22 right underneath them and the big
10:23 difference there is that people in the
10:28 top 1% have a very high EQ so we grossly
10:30 underestimate the capacity to control
10:32 oneself and if you really want to
10:34 achieve the most in life that's what you
10:36 really need to focus on and the more
10:38 that I work with men I this is basically
10:40 what I teach them and the outcomes that
10:42 I see are amazing right we're talking
10:44 like on on the worst end you know I
10:47 worked with a 32-year-old guy who
10:49 started using drugs when he was 13 years
10:53 old polysubstance use mostly opiates and
10:57 heroin uh so at the age of 32 no job um
10:58 not living on the street crashing with
10:59 his girlfriend
11:01 and then within the span of four years
11:03 this guy became a therapist himself had
11:06 a stable income got married and
11:08 published his first dystopian fiction
11:11 novel so we're talking about a fouryear
11:13 span of like being literally a heroin
11:16 addict to you know being a published
11:18 author and like having a stable
11:20 fulfilling relationship and job and all
11:23 of that work is like internal it's about
11:24 understanding the way that you work
11:25 understanding the way that your brain
11:28 works and learning how to control yourself
11:30 yourself
11:31 is that the same for women though
11:34 because I've got women friends who are
11:35 same age that are really really
11:38 struggling have they're not doing heroin
11:39 or drugs or anything like that but
11:41 they're the objective sort of situation
11:42 of their life is they're so far from all
11:46 of their goals no partner feeling lonely
11:50 unhealthy and seemingly out of control
11:51 yeah so I've worked with plenty of women
11:53 for whom that is a problem as well but I
11:56 think if we look at on average right so
11:58 remember that like within any population
12:00 of men and women women there's going to
12:03 be more variance between women than
12:07 there is between men and women sure so I
12:08 absolutely the case for a lot of women I
12:10 think the big difference is that a lot
12:14 of the tools that we have were sort of
12:16 designed with women in mind a great
12:18 example of this is like Psychotherapy or
12:20 talk therapy so if you look at the gold
12:22 standard of how we process our emotions
12:25 it's verbally now the studies actually
12:27 show that if you look at like estrogen
12:30 estrogen has a very very inter in effect
12:32 on awareness of your internal emotional
12:35 state and the ability to articulate your
12:37 internal emotional state so as estrogen
12:41 Rises you literally feel emotions more
12:43 so this is why men women will have
12:44 problems like premenstrual dysphoric
12:47 disorder PMS you know when there are
12:49 these hormonal fluctuations it's not
12:50 that we should treat them poorly or
12:52 anything like that but they actually
12:54 literally feel emotions in a more
12:56 intense way because of the fluctuations
13:00 in their estrogen level so I
13:01 it's like like that's like scientific
13:04 fact it's not like it's not good or bad
13:06 right it's just something that's a fact
13:08 so the higher your estrogen is the more
13:10 emotional awareness you'll have so there
13:12 are some biological factors and then
13:14 there's also like if you look at the way
13:15 that women are conditioned they're
13:17 conditioned to be good listeners to
13:18 provide emotional support for the the
13:21 men around them and so they they use
13:23 they're a lot better at verbal fluency
13:25 like that's not even related to emotions
13:27 you can look at you know boys and girls
13:29 who are 8 years old girls will have a
13:31 higher level of verbal fluency than boys
13:33 do at the age of eight so there are a
13:35 lot of things in our mental health
13:39 system that rely on being aware of your
13:41 emotions being able to articulate your
13:44 emotions using words to process your
13:47 emotions and so absolutely they can
13:49 learn more about themselves I think 99%
13:51 of human beings on the planet myself
13:52 included can benefit from learning more
13:55 about themselves but I think that women
13:58 have somewhat of a leg up which is why
14:00 women are set 70% of patients who seek
14:02 Psychotherapy right even 70% of
14:04 therapists are women so there there's
14:08 like a very clear gender gap in the
14:10 field of mental health so going back up
14:13 the river then so the Crux of the issue
14:15 is not being able to control oneself
14:18 essentially I control is even a step too
14:20 far Crux of the issue is not
14:21 understanding yourself right good
14:24 diagnosis predes good treatment control
14:26 comes later okay so first you need to
14:28 understand on absolutely and how do I go
14:30 about understanding on self and in the
14:32 case of the gentleman you mentioned as
14:34 the case study there how did he go about
14:36 understanding himself as a heroin addict
14:39 who had poly substance abuse to this
14:42 successful person so I think the best
14:43 place to start I know it's going to
14:45 sound kind of simple but is to look at
14:50 yourself so what a lot of us do is
14:52 anytime we have a problem the first
14:53 thing that we do is we try to jump to a
14:56 solution so if I'm unhappy in life I
14:58 need to make more money if I'm
15:00 struggling with dating I need to get a
15:02 better job or be sexier or whatever so
15:04 we tend to jump to Solutions so I think
15:06 the first thing that you've got to do is
15:07 slow a little bit down and look at
15:10 yourself and when you look at yourself
15:11 there are a couple of things that I
15:13 think a lot of people really miss the
15:17 first is what drives a lot of their
15:20 behaviors so we focus so much on fixing
15:22 a behavior like using heroin for example
15:25 right but we don't really ask ourselves
15:27 why am I using heroin in the first place
15:29 where does the drive for using heroin
15:32 come from and that is the key question
15:34 right so it's not about how you need to
15:38 change it's about why am I the way that
15:40 I am and this is where people make such
15:43 a simple simple mistake I'd say the
15:46 majority of people that I talk to when
15:47 they look at themselves they don't
15:49 actually they're not critically thinking
15:51 what they actually do is they'll make
15:53 some kind of conclusion I'm lazy so like
15:55 think about what that means like
15:56 laziness first of all is like not a
15:58 thing there is not like a laziness
16:00 circuit in the brain you can't measure
16:03 laziness laziness is a lazy way of
16:05 looking at laziness if we look at human
16:08 behavior motivation discipline things
16:10 like follow-through willpower these are
16:12 all discrete functions within our brain
16:15 and then we just say oh we're lazy but
16:17 which one of those things is lacking so
16:19 as we understand okay why are we lazy
16:21 what does that really mean where is my
16:22 motivation coming from what is the
16:25 status of my willpower um you know as we
16:27 explore these kinds of things that's
16:28 when we see really what the answer
16:30 answer is and the really cool thing is
16:32 if you look at a lot of research on
16:33 things like we use this technique called
16:36 motivational interviewing where in order
16:39 to change Behavior you don't need to
16:40 convince anyone of anything you need to
16:43 help people understand things and once a
16:45 human being understands something
16:47 themselves they will automatically
16:49 change Behavior right if I touch if I
16:51 tell you Hey Stephen don't touch that
16:53 that pan it's hot and you touch the pan
16:55 and you burn yourself you won't listen
16:57 to me but the moment that you touch it
16:59 and you get burned suddenly your
17:02 behavior will change on its own we learn
17:04 through experience but if you look at
17:06 the way that most people try to solve
17:08 their problems it's not through
17:10 experience it's through information oh I
17:12 have a problem let me buy a book I have
17:15 a problem let me listen to a podcast let
17:17 me watch a YouTube video and this is
17:19 what we see right there are literally
17:20 millions if not tens of millions or
17:22 hundreds of people millions of people
17:25 out there who are gaining a lot of
17:28 information about change but aren't
17:29 actually changing
17:31 it's wild why is that there's a there's
17:33 a quite a complex psychological thing
17:35 because there's a certain type of person
17:37 who is like a self-development junkie
17:40 but they never self-develop yeah they go
17:41 to all the conferences they watch all
17:43 the videos they've got you know they can
17:45 they know all the words but they they
17:47 don't actually put anything into action
17:48 yeah so there's there's a lot of
17:51 subtlety but the craziest thing is that
17:53 see anytime we engage in some kind of
17:57 self-help kind of thing it actually is a
18:00 coping mechanism to deal with some
18:03 negativity within us so let's say that I
18:06 feel like I'm lazy so then my mind looks
18:07 looks at me and says okay I'm lazy I
18:09 need to do something about it and then
18:11 it's really tricky right because you
18:13 have your brain sees two options one is
18:16 that I can do something hard or the
18:18 others I can do something easy and we
18:20 have to understand this the brain has
18:23 evolved to be lazy the brain has evolved
18:25 laziness is efficiency we want to get
18:27 the most yield out of the smallest
18:30 investment so then what happens is our
18:31 brain is like okay I could like go to
18:34 the gym or I could watch a video about
18:36 working out and if I watch a video about
18:39 working out I will be more efficient
18:41 when I go to the gym there are all kinds
18:44 of scams that we run in our mind to
18:47 actually activate parts of our brain
18:49 that make us feel like we're making
18:50 progress without actually making
18:52 progress that's how you become a
18:55 self-develop junkie or self-help junkie
18:57 on this point of psychotherapy not being
18:59 perfectly designed for men I was
19:02 watching a clip before you arrived um
19:04 where a lady who's an author of a a book
19:05 that's just come out said that talking
19:08 about our problems makes them worse and
19:11 I was wondering if that's true it can be
19:13 so I think this is a big problem is that
19:15 talking about our problems can
19:17 absolutely make things worse so let's
19:19 understand a couple of things so the
19:21 first is that there's this assumption
19:23 that talking about your problems makes
19:24 them better but there are actually very
19:27 specific things that need to happen in
19:29 order for talk talking about your
19:31 problems to make things better the most
19:32 important thing is something called an
19:36 emotional catharsis so this is where you
19:38 have like a breakthrough in therapy so
19:39 there's like this moment where there's a
19:41 lot of dormant stuff and Freud even
19:43 described this where you have this
19:46 moment of very very intense emotion that
19:49 is relatively new I mean it's kind of
19:50 dormant but it's not like venting we'll
19:52 get to venting in a second and so there
19:54 there's a particular way we have to talk
19:56 about problems that triggers emotional
19:59 catharsis emotional catharsis create
20:01 something like a breakthrough so this is
20:03 also like an experience so this is not
20:06 just talking about my problems this is
20:09 experiencing my problems in a different
20:10 way so it's kind of like touching the
20:12 hot pan usually it's kind of painful so
20:15 when we're doing like work with a trauma
20:17 Survivor we don't want to just talk
20:18 about the trauma we want
20:21 to sort of dig into it a little bit more
20:24 and have an emotionally healing
20:27 experience um the the real problem is
20:28 that sometimes what'll happen is people
20:31 will just talk about their problems so
20:33 they'll use therapy as essentially like
20:36 a venting session and venting if we look
20:37 at kind of the Neuroscience of venting
20:40 venting is useful for reducing our
20:43 negative emotion in the moment but this
20:46 is the really tricky thing if we kind of
20:47 think about it you know like I I'll ask
20:49 you maybe you know this maybe you don't
20:51 but why do we have negative emotions
20:55 Stephen it's a signal for what it I
20:57 would I would guess that it's a depends
20:59 on the negative emotion but I guess it's
21:02 a signal that is there to help us
21:03 connect with
21:06 people okay so let's I think it can be
21:08 sure loneliness loneliness is a great
21:09 example of a signal that's designed to
21:10 connect with you what about something
21:14 like anger or fear why do we have fear
21:16 to warn us against impending danger
21:18 absolutely right so if I'm like running
21:21 through the jungle and I see a
21:24 tiger and I have fear fear gives us
21:26 information and what else does it do
21:29 gives us physiological energy very
21:32 adrenaline absolutely for what purpose
21:35 to flee absolutely so this is a big
21:38 thing that people don't understand the
21:40 primary motivator for change is actually
21:43 negative energy a negative emotion so
21:45 this is the problem with venting if you
21:48 vent and get rid of all of your negative
21:50 emotional energy the drive to change
21:53 will disappear so if we kind of think
21:55 about it what motivates you the most
21:57 it's actually negative emotion and you
21:58 can literally look at the like the
22:00 neuroanatomy of things like the amydala
22:03 so the amydala is very close to the
22:05 hippocampus which is where learning and
22:07 memory happen so we actually learn the
22:11 most through negative emotions so if I
22:12 if I'm if I've been happily married for
22:16 15 years and there's infidelity right
22:18 one case of infidelity the negative
22:21 emotion from that one case of infidelity
22:24 can drastically motivate me so one of
22:26 the biggest problems that I see is that
22:28 we try to get rid of our negative
22:30 emotions and in doing so we actually
22:36 capability so I've seen this a lot where
22:38 people will come in and they'll go
22:41 through like what they think therapy is
22:43 which is like actually same same guy
22:45 Mike came in and he'd like kind of talk
22:48 about his problems and I was like bro I
22:49 was like Mike is this helping so I was
22:51 still a trainee at the time so he'd been
22:53 seeing me for about six eight months and
22:54 I was like you come in here and you kind
22:56 of talk about your problems but like
22:57 you're you don't seem to be getting
22:58 better I didn't know how to do therapy
23:00 at the time and then he's like isn't
23:02 that what I'm supposed to do is come in
23:03 and talk about my problems I was like
23:06 yeah I think so I was a seconde
23:07 Psychiatry resident but I was like is
23:09 this helping he's like no and I was like
23:11 okay we got to do something else then
23:14 coming in and just venting is not
23:15 actually Psychotherapy that's not like
23:17 so talking about your problems reducing
23:19 your negative emotional energy can
23:21 actually keep you stuck and if you pay
23:22 attention to people in your life you'll
23:24 notice that there are some people who
23:25 just like [ __ ] all the time right
23:27 they're just like constantly complaining
23:29 they're constantly venting and they
23:30 don't actually do anything to change
23:32 their life it's interesting because with
23:35 the Advent of social media you now get
23:38 reinforced by deficiency promotion I
23:39 call it there's kind of these two types
23:41 of ways that you can build an audience
23:43 or a personal brand one of them is idea
23:45 promotion these are my my ideas this is
23:47 how I think about something and the
23:48 other that's emerged which is really
23:50 interesting and a little bit toxic is
23:52 like deficiency promotion these are all
23:54 the ways that I'm broken these are all
23:56 the ways that I'm inadequate and you can
23:58 build an entire audience around around
24:00 that which resonate with your
24:01 inadequacies and then that inadequacy
24:03 that you you get held there because
24:05 that's the speaking appointments you get
24:06 booked to do that's what your books
24:07 about your book is about all the ways
24:09 you're broken and flawed all the stuff
24:11 you've been through and then you it
24:13 becomes your your profession and I just
24:15 I watch that play out so many times I'm
24:16 like I talked to my friends about it I'm
24:18 like be careful of deficiency promotion
24:19 because you might you might accidentally
24:21 build a revenue stream there and then
24:23 you're [ __ ] yeah absolutely I I I
24:24 think we what we see is that there's a
24:27 lot of empathic resonance right so and I
24:29 think in some ways that's a good thing
24:31 so I I think when when I'm a broken
24:33 human being there are a lot of broken
24:35 other human beings the problem is when
24:36 you're a broken human being you don't
24:38 feel like you're a part of society
24:40 you're like broken and everyone else is
24:42 out there living their lives and being
24:46 positive and so it can feel so relieving
24:48 to connect with someone else to realize
24:51 oh my God I'm not alone right so I think
24:52 some of these deficiency promotion and
24:54 we see that a lot in like Psychotherapy
24:56 groups on trauma and stuff like that
24:57 where there's a lot of like trauma
24:59 bonding and there's also some weird ego
25:01 there with like I'm more broken than you
25:02 and my trauma is worse than you a lot of
25:04 toxic comparison there's a lot of stuff
25:07 that can kind of go arai but I I think
25:09 there's absolutely a reason why that's a
25:10 way that you can build your brand
25:11 because there are a lot of people out
25:14 there who feel broken and feel alone and
25:17 I'd rather be broken and with someone
25:19 yeah than broken and alone it's all
25:20 about belonging at the end of the day
25:22 yeah all of these things are about you
25:25 know feeling like you belong absolutely
25:27 what role does dopamine play in all of
25:29 this because we we talked at the start
25:31 about taking back control but much of
25:32 the reason as I learned from Andrew
25:34 hubman that it's hard to gain control is
25:36 because many of us are in this sort of
25:38 dopamine roller coaster in our lives
25:40 yeah so I I think uh dopamine plays an
25:42 important role but the one thing that I
25:45 really come to appreciate is that how
25:48 little of a role it plays so everyone is
25:51 like hung up on dopamine but dopamine
25:52 first of all is a neurotransmitter right
25:54 so dopamine is also like deals with
25:55 things like Smooth movement so my
25:57 ability to go like this is governed by
26:00 dopamine you were waving your arm yeah
26:02 like so so like anytime you have a
26:03 smooth motion so if we look at something
26:05 like Parkinson's disease Parkinson's
26:08 disease is a deficiency of dopamine so
26:09 there there are all kinds of things that
26:11 dopamine does I'd say dopamine is like a
26:13 letter in the alphabet for the brain we
26:15 use it in all kinds of circuits to
26:19 create all kinds of behaviors so
26:20 dopamine is are absolutely important
26:21 we'll talk about it but I think that
26:23 there's almost like too much of an
26:26 emphasis on dopamine and we oversimplify
26:28 the problem when we focus too much on
26:29 dopamine I'll give you a really simple
26:33 example of that so one is in my clinical
26:35 experience it's almost like dopamine and
26:39 serotonin have an inverse relationship
26:41 so dopamine is what gives us a sense of
26:44 pleasure dopamine also gives us behavioral
26:46 behavioral
26:48 reinforcement but dopamine gives us
26:49 pleasure but will not give us
26:52 contentment so I have I've had plenty of
26:55 patients who chase dopamine right and we
26:58 know that you know partying a lot lot
27:00 using a lot of drugs having high
27:02 adrenaline activities that all activate
27:05 your dopamine system don't usually leave
27:07 people feeling fulfilled and contented
27:10 at the end of it I've had plenty of
27:12 millionaire Playboys in my practice who
27:14 like tried that to find happiness and
27:15 maximize the pleasure in their life and
27:18 it doesn't work it's never going to work
27:19 and the the problem with that is that
27:21 our brain has this principle of
27:23 tolerance so the more that you activate
27:25 your dopam energic system the more
27:27 tolerance you'll develop to it this is
27:30 why people need higher doses of drugs to
27:32 achieve the same goal this is why people
27:34 when you first play a video game it's a
27:36 lot of fun but hour five six s to eight
27:38 it becomes less and less fun and then
27:40 you have old Gamers like myself who are
27:43 still chasing the beauty in the high of
27:44 the games that we used to play when we
27:47 were kids so dopamine is almost like a
27:49 scam neurotransmitter because it offers
27:52 you pleasure temporarily but in an
27:55 unsustainable way on the flip side we
27:58 have serotonin so serotonin is is
28:00 Associated more with like contentment
28:02 and peace when we look at things like
28:05 mood disorders often times what we're
28:07 doing is improving the serotonin level
28:09 boosting the serotonin Transmission in
28:11 the brain so peace and contentment is
28:13 very different from pleasure and these
28:14 two things are almost inversely
28:16 proportional where and it's really
28:17 interesting you can look at something
28:19 like orgasm which is a great example of this
28:21 this
28:24 so when you have an orgasm you get a
28:26 spurt of dopamine and you feel a ton of
28:28 pleasure and then after your orgasm you
28:31 actually get a rise in serotonin and you
28:33 feel incredibly contented the really
28:34 interesting thing is that if your
28:36 serotonin levels are high you won't feel
28:39 horny so like what'll happen is is we
28:40 know this because if we give someone
28:43 serotonergic medication if we boost your
28:45 serotonin transmission one of the side
28:48 effects is anorgasmia and like you can't
28:51 have an orgasm and then you also like
28:54 aren't as sexually you're not as thirsty
28:55 okay so like this is one of the side
28:56 effects this is one of the number one
28:59 reason why my patient serot serotonergic
29:01 medication has to do with the sexual
29:03 side effects but if we kind of think
29:04 about the neurotransmitters involved
29:06 right when we boo serotonin and we also
29:08 see this in Monks who are like super
29:10 content and peace and they're not very
29:12 thirsty right so if we kind of think
29:14 about it peace and happiness and
29:17 contentment in life comes from serotonin
29:19 dopamine is like actually kind of the
29:20 opposite and monks aren't like thrill
29:22 Chasers right they're they're able to
29:23 develop this internal sense of
29:26 contentment so dopamine is absolutely a
29:27 part of the problem it's a very
29:28 important part of problem but I think
29:30 that it's like one piece in a in a
29:33 larger hole does this explain why people
29:35 sex lives typically get worse when
29:38 they're comfortable and they're married
29:41 absolutely it's amazing how much science
29:43 can tell us about the formation of
29:44 relationships and falling in love that
29:48 we just don't apply so being attracted
29:50 falling in love developing a
29:51 relationship these can discreetly be
29:54 described neuroscientifically so being
29:55 attracted actually starts in the
29:58 thalamus so the thalamus is our sensory
30:00 organ of the brain it's kind of the
30:02 sensory Gateway so it interprets a lot
30:04 of sensory stimuli so when I first meet
30:05 someone I'm like oh they look really
30:07 good right it looks really fantastic and
30:09 I I feel physically attracted to them
30:11 they smell great their laugh is
30:13 beautiful so the initial stages of
30:15 Attraction are all about sensory
30:17 input then what happens now this is
30:19 what's really interesting falling in
30:21 love is actually very dopam energic so
30:23 this is one of the reasons why I think
30:25 we're seeing declining birth rates this
30:26 is why it's like if you talk to people
30:28 nowadays like it's it's hard to fall in
30:30 love everyone's dating everyone's going
30:32 out on dates and stuff but like falling
30:34 in love seems harder and that's actually
30:36 because of dopamine so what happens is
30:38 if you look at the phase of falling in
30:40 love what that involves is a dopam
30:42 energic connection and a great example
30:43 of this is like if we're going to dinner
30:45 right and I put my hand out just Steph
30:46 hold my hand and then we're all we're
30:48 doing we're gazing into each other's
30:50 eyes and we're just holding hands and
30:52 then we feel in love and if you kind of
30:54 think about people in love like it's
30:56 like a dopam energic high because that's
30:58 literally what's going on now what you
31:00 see if you see if you go out on if you
31:01 go to a restaurant you people watch
31:03 which I love to do what you'll see is
31:04 two people on a date both on their
31:07 phones so what's starting to happen is
31:09 we are like developing this dopaminergic
31:12 tolerance through things like devices
31:14 we're actually exhausting our dopamine
31:15 which is something that a lot of people
31:17 don't understand we run out of dopamine
31:19 because we're using these devices and
31:21 then we have none left to fall in love
31:23 and then there are later things in the
31:24 relationship that are more serotonergic
31:26 in nature where it's not as much about
31:27 pleasure but it's about connection
31:29 connection and all kinds of other stuff
31:31 so what does that mean if I'm single and
31:34 I'm looking to find love so if you're
31:36 looking to find love there's this is
31:37 where we have to start with diagnosis
31:39 before Solutions right so the first
31:41 question is do you have trouble falling
31:43 in love do you because a lot of people
31:45 who are single are like oh like I don't
31:47 feel anything right I don't feel a
31:48 connection this is something that I've
31:51 heard so much from our community so much
31:53 from patients anymore I just don't feel
31:55 a connection they seem great on paper
31:56 but I just don't feel a connection
31:58 there's actually Neuroscience behind to
32:00 form a connection too um but what what
32:02 the first question that I ask people is
32:03 okay do you feel like you just can't
32:05 feel an emotional connection to people
32:08 then what you actually need to do is
32:10 reduce your dopamine activation through
32:12 things like cell phones uh we see this
32:14 also with pornography where we know that
32:15 pornography correlates with like
32:17 unhappiness and relationships and that's
32:19 probably also like a dop and energic
32:20 effect as opposed to all the other
32:22 things there's a lot of stuff going on
32:24 there so play fewer video games be on
32:26 your phone less and especially before
32:29 you go on a date you want to like give
32:32 your dopamine a chance to recharge so go
32:34 on a walk for about 1 hour before you go
32:35 on a date and then your literally your
32:39 brain's capacity to engage in a date and
32:41 fall in love and activate those feelings
32:44 is going to be higher also I'd avoid as
32:46 much dopaminergic activity as you can
32:47 before the date before you see that
32:50 person and the more that you do that the
32:51 easier it will be for you to actually
32:53 fall in love am I right in thinking from
32:56 what you said there that dopamine is
32:58 required for us to initiate sex and want
32:59 want to have sex is that what you were
33:02 saying yes and no so dopamine is not
33:05 actually required to initiate sex it's
33:06 that's so fascinating you can like so I
33:08 tried to figure this out like where
33:09 where how does love work in the brain
33:11 it's like every circuit is involved
33:14 every neurotransmitter is involved um so
33:16 dopamine is what gives us the pleasure
33:19 of orgasm but initiating sex also for
33:21 men and women is somewhat different so
33:22 like you know women will say like oh
33:24 foreplay is really important right and
33:26 dudes are like we don't need a whole lot
33:28 of that and so the question is why so
33:30 this is what's really interesting so to
33:33 develop an erection you actually need
33:35 activation of the parasympathetic
33:37 nervous system which is the part of our
33:39 nervous system that involves rest and
33:42 digest which is why we have morning wood
33:43 right so when dudes wake up in the
33:45 morning we have an erection why we're
33:47 not like horny in the morning well I
33:48 don't think so anyway maybe who knows
33:50 but like there's a physiology to it
33:52 right where when we're relaxed will
33:55 develop an erection because the the
33:57 development of an erection actually
33:59 involves relaxing ation and then the
34:02 sexual act involves transition to the
34:04 sympathetic nervous system now this is
34:06 the fight and flight kind of response so
34:08 what we want to do is like we want to be
34:11 relaxed first and then we start getting
34:13 sweaty our heart rate increases blood
34:15 pressure increases and this is the other
34:16 thing that a lot of dudes don't
34:18 understand because our our nervous
34:19 system is a little bit different so when
34:21 it comes to women they have the same
34:22 thing going on where they need
34:24 activation of the parasympathetic
34:25 nervous system before they get
34:27 activation of the sympathetic nervous
34:28 system and then as you activate the
34:30 parasympathetic nervous system with
34:31 something like a massage or making out
34:33 or some something like that some
34:35 playfulness relaxation people really
34:38 need to feel safe then you can sort of
34:41 graduate to the more explicit
34:43 sympathetic nervous system sexual act
34:45 this has answered so many questions that
34:47 I had that I've never sort of vocalized
34:49 because I didn't realize the issue but I
34:52 have come to learn that I am most
34:56 aroused when I'm not stressed in any way
34:57 but I don't just mean stressed as in
34:59 like stressed I mean if it's Friday
35:01 night and I've just come back from work
35:02 and I've got home at 9:00 p.m. after a
35:06 really really long day and week I am not
35:08 aroused typically so what tends to
35:10 happen and like we know this in my
35:11 relationship and it's the same for same
35:14 for my partner is on like Saturday once
35:16 I've had time to relax and I've like
35:17 chilled down and I've all those kind of
35:21 things then I'm then I get aroused um
35:21 and there is this I think
35:23 misunderstanding between men and women
35:24 because we get aroused in different ways
35:26 absolutely once again like we we're
35:28 seeing so many problems in relation ship
35:30 so many problems and dating and and you
35:33 know what happens is like women will get
35:34 branded as all kinds of she's an ice
35:36 queen or whatever she won't put out and
35:37 like there's a lot of like toxic
35:39 misogyny there and then men will also
35:41 get branded as like oh men only want one
35:43 thing and they're they're you know so
35:45 horny which can somewhat be true but I I
35:46 think this is the kind of thing where
35:49 once you understand you know how does
35:50 the male body work how does the female
35:52 body work what of the ways because the
35:54 majority of is actually very similar so
35:56 like the what separates men and women is
35:58 less than what we share mhm um so if you
36:00 look at for example like how to create
36:03 romantic attraction on a first date like
36:04 that's there's a lot of good like
36:07 Neuroscience data about things to do and
36:08 it's not surprising at all because if
36:10 you look at what's the trend in dates
36:12 everyone is doing the wrong things now
36:14 dates are turning into like interviews
36:15 right where it's like I don't know I
36:17 don't want I need to know if I'm going
36:18 to waste my time or not so we're going
36:20 to sit down at a table oh do you want
36:21 kids what do you want this how much do
36:23 you like to travel how many trips per
36:25 year it almost becomes a negotiation and
36:27 if you look at the science of how human
36:29 beings fall love it's completely
36:31 different what is that relationship
36:32 between because as you're describing
36:33 that dating process I just my head I
36:35 thought God that sounds stressful and
36:37 then I thought of how expectation
36:38 generally creates stress so whether it's
36:40 in the bedroom having an expectation
36:41 that we're going to [ __ ] tonight because
36:44 it's Thursday and it's date night or
36:45 having an expectation when you go on a
36:47 day the impact that that stress has on
36:49 your dopamine and your ability to be
36:50 like open and
36:52 receptive yeah so it's it's it's so
36:53 interesting right so like I know it
36:55 sounds kind of weird but let's use your
36:56 example if it's Thursday and we're going
36:59 to [ __ ] tonight so that can be stressful
37:01 or like I don't know if you've been in a
37:03 relationship like this it can be awesome
37:05 right so like if I haven't seen you all
37:07 week and you haven't seen me all week
37:08 and it's like Thursday and this is the
37:10 time we've set aside and like we're
37:11 finally meeting and we both are like
37:13 we're going to [ __ ] tonight then it's
37:15 great like you know what I mean or not
37:17 so much or I don't know yeah right so
37:18 like this is the key thing that a lot of
37:20 people don't understand so attraction is
37:21 not about whether we're going to have
37:22 sex tonight or not it's that we you and
37:24 I need to be on the same page so there's
37:26 a really fascinating study that looked
37:30 at first dates on Bridges okay so one
37:34 Bridge is a stone bridge one Bridge is a
37:36 rickety wooden bridge that's wobbly and
37:37 what the study found is that when you
37:39 have a date on a stone
37:42 bridge it's Le people feel less
37:43 attracted to each other than when you're
37:45 on a rickety bridge now what's the
37:47 difference on the rickety bridge I'm a
37:49 little bit scared and you're a little
37:51 bit scared so what what really the the
37:53 foundation of romantic attraction is
37:55 actually empathic resonance when I feel
37:57 the same things that you feel when we
37:58 both feel it doesn't even have to be
38:01 good it can be negative things it can be
38:03 good things we just need to both be
38:05 feeling the same thing that's what
38:07 creates attraction this is also why
38:09 people fall in love in rehab like
38:10 literally at the rehabs that I've worked
38:12 at like we have to like almost have a
38:14 rule right we can't technically control
38:17 them but we're like hey no [ __ ] in
38:19 rehab so this is going to we're going to
38:21 have and because people will trauma Bond
38:22 right we're sharing all of this deep
38:24 emotional stuff you can be honest you
38:26 can be authentic and there's someone
38:27 else in the group who's also honest and
38:29 authentic and you feel connected what is
38:31 the nature of that connection it's
38:34 shared empathic resonance so one of the
38:36 biggest things that I tell people who
38:38 are you know struggling to succeed in
38:40 dating is like what are the emotions
38:42 that you're bringing to the table what
38:43 are the emotions they're bringing to the
38:45 table and if those emotions are not
38:47 aligned how can you do some kind of
38:51 experience that creates an emotion so
38:52 this is also where like movies aren't
38:54 necessarily good or bad the question is
38:56 do you guys like the same kind of movies
38:58 if yall like the same kind of of movies
39:00 and you both laugh a lot that's a great
39:01 date you don't need to talk you just
39:03 need empathic resonance so whatever you
39:05 can do to get empathic resonance will
39:07 create a connection my brain went in two
39:08 directions then the first question that
39:10 popped into my head was about the role
39:11 oxytocin's playing and all of that
39:13 because I've heard about this chemical
39:15 called oxytocin which is there to help
39:18 us Bond Etc um and I remember Simon Sy
39:20 saying to me that when like cities have
39:22 earthquakes it's crazy how much the city
39:24 comes together and that's he pointed
39:26 oxytocin as much the reason for that
39:28 sort of shared struggle thinking about
39:29 your rickety Bridge scenario life
39:31 sometimes becomes a rickety bridge and
39:33 people Bond because of that so should I
39:36 be taking my dates to theme parks for
39:37 example to terrify the [ __ ] out of them
39:40 or what only if you're equally terrified
39:42 okay so that's why it's so important
39:43 right for you to figure out like what is
39:44 something that is going to give us a
39:47 shared emotional experience ah okay so
39:49 you've got okay we've got to both have
39:51 the same emotion absolutely so if I'm
39:53 not scared by it and she's terrified
39:55 then that's generally speaking not good
39:56 now there are other versions of that so
39:58 like you can demonstrate caring right so
40:01 if I'm terrified and you take care of me
40:03 then that can feel good in a different
40:05 way but generally speaking like what
40:07 gets us like I'm into this person is
40:09 that we feel an emotional connection
40:11 right that's what I'm like into this
40:12 person they're like like what is the
40:14 nature is the emotional connection is
40:17 shared emotion so oxytocin is another
40:19 phase of the relationship so oxytocin
40:22 forms emotional bonds so when we feel
40:23 like not this and this is what's so
40:24 interesting there's different parts of
40:25 the brain different
40:28 neurotransmitters so oxy oxytocin is
40:30 what we get from cuddling what we get
40:32 from different kinds of touch something
40:35 like a massage can form oxytocin hugging
40:36 holding hands all this kind of stuff
40:39 triggers oxytocin and oxytocin will form
40:41 an emotional bond will alleviate
40:43 feelings of loneliness I think one of
40:46 the reasons that men are so lonely now
40:48 is because we don't feel bonded to each
40:51 other so oxytocin is more about forming emotional
40:52 emotional
40:55 bonds and the other way my brain went
40:57 when we talking about that is a question
40:58 I've asked a lot of sex therapists I've
41:00 spoken to which is should we be
41:02 scheduling sex this is such a tangent
41:04 from where we started but um based on
41:06 what you said Thursday night date night
41:07 Etc should we be scheduling sex when I
41:09 ask sex experts this they they go in two
41:11 different directions one group says yes
41:14 one group is so passionately saying no
41:16 because it kills that spontaneity they
41:19 say um and that you
41:21 know right so so I think this is a good
41:23 example of like this is exactly what I'm
41:26 talking about where we know so much more
41:27 about physiology and neuros science now
41:29 that the right answer to that question
41:31 depends on the science so you can
41:33 schedule sex it's just make sure that
41:35 you do the things are you killing some
41:40 degree of spontaneity potentially um and
41:41 but at the same time like so what is it
41:43 about the spontaneity like let's let's
41:44 tunnel down I think this is exactly what
41:46 we need to do what is it that makes
41:49 spontaneous sex fun
41:53 Stephen oh gosh uh [ __ ] um what makes
41:57 spontaneous sex fun it is
42:00 exciting novel it is hold on who's
42:05 excited by spontaneous sex me so and is
42:06 it going to happen if your partner is
42:09 not equally excited well I think most
42:11 couples would say that they much of the
42:13 reason why their sex life is not great
42:15 is because it's became become boring and
42:19 predictable and syy so this sort of
42:21 spontaneity element adds a bit of
42:23 surprise and Intrigue and now hold on a
42:25 second okay great so this is we're going
42:27 to we're going to figure out an answer
42:29 When Things become syy so if I watch
42:31 like what's your favorite movie Stephen
42:33 H The Pursuit of Happiness okay so if I
42:36 watch Pursuit of Happiness the first
42:38 time how am I going to feel emotionally
42:40 oh it was profound the first time I S it
42:43 second time you watch it you know
42:45 interesting fourth time fifth time so
42:46 the more that we get exposed to
42:48 something what changes within
42:51 us our
42:53 emotional the emotions change right so
42:55 the first time I do something yeah
42:57 emotions are activated when it becomes
43:00 habitual emotions no longer become
43:02 activated so this is the problem of
43:04 non-spontaneous or spontaneous sex is it
43:07 it has to do with that emotional empathy
43:09 that emotional connection that leads to
43:10 attraction so this is exactly what I'm
43:12 talking about when we look at problems
43:14 in life should couples do this or should
43:16 couples not do this let's understand the
43:18 mechanisms at play and then if we can
43:20 activate those mechanisms in the right
43:22 way then it'll work so the the issue
43:25 about spontaneity is is like you know if
43:27 you feel like having spontaneous sex but
43:29 your partner doesn't that's not going to
43:31 work because y'all aren't emotionally I
43:32 mean they can accommodate you and that
43:34 can be fine but generally speaking what
43:37 spontan adds is more of that emotional
43:40 connection so when I work with um you
43:41 know patients who are
43:44 exhibitionistic right so like why do
43:45 they like exhibitionism what's
43:47 exhibitionism having sex in public
43:50 places okay so um it's a it's a kind of
43:52 fetish right can get you into trouble
43:54 that's sometimes how they end up in my
43:57 office um but so so what what if you
43:58 really look at it like what what it's
44:00 about is emotional resonance so if I'm
44:02 having sex in a public place that's
44:04 going to activate me emotionally in some
44:05 way it's going to activate my partner
44:07 emotionally in the same way that's why
44:09 we do it so it all comes down to
44:12 emotional resonance so the second thing
44:13 is that if you're going to have
44:15 scheduled sex so like spontaneous is
44:16 great but if you're going to have
44:18 scheduled sex that's still fine too it
44:20 doesn't kill the spark you just need to
44:22 figure out how to activate it right so
44:23 this is where activation of the
44:25 parasympathetic nervous system do
44:27 something like you know give them a
44:29 or even like the sex should come after
44:31 some kind of emotional resonance let's
44:33 go out and watch a movie together or
44:35 let's do something that we both find
44:37 emotionally engaging then once you're
44:39 emotionally connected the sex will be
44:41 it'll be a lot easier I have a friend
44:44 who has been trying for a baby uhuh I'm
44:46 trying for a baby as well by the way but
44:48 this is not about me this is not me like
44:50 asking for a friend he lives in America
44:52 and he has just had the news that he's
44:54 having a baby very very happy and I saw
44:56 him recently and I was asking him him
44:57 about the process
45:00 of you know timing the sex around your
45:02 partner's cycle and they had gone for I
45:04 think three years trying to have a baby
45:06 so it got increasingly more difficult
45:08 all of the complicated emotions he was
45:10 saying to me he was like honestly bro
45:11 like sometimes we were having to have
45:13 sex like three or four times a day and I
45:15 was like how how do you keep an like
45:18 when it becomes a job in that in that
45:20 context you're doing it because you need
45:23 to try and hit this egg how did you
45:24 arouse yourself and he was like no I
45:27 couldn't he was like I I really
45:28 struggled I'd lose my erection all the
45:31 time um um and he literally said to me
45:34 yeah he was he was having sex 40 50
45:37 times a month to try and he was
45:38 basically being ordered to have sex with
45:40 her like these are the five days you
45:42 better have sex with you know that that
45:46 is maybe the extreme case of total
45:47 dissipation of emotional resonance as it
45:50 relates to sex yeah and the other case
45:52 the other end of that poll would be
45:54 pursuing someone for the first time I
45:57 guess a stranger for the first time and
45:58 I guess the job for people in their
45:59 relationships is how do you keep that emotional
46:00 emotional
46:03 resonance so I I think that that's
46:05 that's exactly the kind of question and
46:07 I think the first thing is that's half
46:08 the answer is that a lot of people don't
46:11 realize so like when people get bored
46:13 sexually in a relationship right so we
46:14 have two populations of people some
46:16 people will get married and they'll
46:19 continue to have healthy sex lives like
46:21 well into their 70s like one of the
46:23 craziest things that I remember
46:25 encountering in med school was like you
46:27 know when I meet a 70-year-old I don't
46:29 think about sexual health counseling and
46:30 it's one of the biggest mistakes we make
46:32 as doctors like you know when you have
46:33 these retirement communities and stuff
46:35 no one's worried about getting pregnant
46:37 you can get outbreaks of like syphilis
46:38 and gonorrhea that'll tear through the
46:40 community like like Co like it's crazy
46:43 like we just don't but sexual desire
46:44 doesn't necessarily decrease with age I
46:47 know it's crazy but we you know so then
46:48 the question becomes okay how do you
46:50 maintain a healthy sex sexual
46:52 relationship over time so at the very
46:54 beginning there are things like thalamic
46:57 inputs right so what you see
46:59 ex arouses you there's some amount of
47:02 novelty which is also like new emotions
47:04 right so then then the 10th time we
47:06 watch the same movie our emotional
47:08 connection is less to the movie but then
47:11 this is also how couples have sex over
47:13 successfully over time is that they do
47:15 have emotional connections so they as
47:18 you continue to bond with your partner
47:20 over the new experiences that your
47:23 relationship has so I think having kids
47:25 is a great example where like having
47:27 kids will destroy your sex drive for
47:29 some amount of time they say what two
47:31 years or something on on average but
47:33 even within that it's amazing because
47:36 you'll find these moments where like you
47:38 sort of forget right like how good sex
47:40 with your partner is and then the stars
47:42 align and you have sex and it's actually
47:43 like incredibly fantastic it's like oh
47:46 we should do that more right like that's
47:47 that's like what kind of starts to
47:49 happen so over time what we want to do
47:52 is really lean into still that shared
47:54 emotional connection oh my God I had
47:56 such a like I can't believe that our
47:58 kids like finally like they the fever's
48:00 gone they're relaxing we're going to
48:01 sleep and then at like 2: a.m. you're
48:03 going to wake up and you're you know
48:07 it's going to be great right but like
48:09 and so as long as you maintain that Bond
48:11 it's totally fine and when we think
48:13 about the mechanisms in Neuroscience
48:15 that drive our Behavior once we're in a
48:18 relationship and even if it's a platonic
48:21 relationship um how do
48:24 we keep the relationship thriving like
48:25 how do we what are the mechanisms I need
48:27 to be aware of in the brain in in
48:29 Neuroscience that are going to enable my
48:32 relationship to be strong and thriving
48:34 whether it's platonic or romantic you
48:36 know because we talk about loneliness a
48:37 lot and there's so many people that are
48:38 struggling with loneliness and it's and
48:40 you know the reasons that we often
48:41 attribute to that are the way we're
48:43 living our lives or we're behind screens
48:45 or social media but you know you it was
48:47 really Illuminating to me that you're
48:49 able to point to a mechanism in um
48:51 smartphones and social media that is
48:53 actually inhibiting us forming
48:55 relationships and I wondered if the same
48:56 mechanisms might inhibit us keeping the
48:58 relationships that we have yeah so I
49:00 think there are so many things that are
49:02 going on there so one is like how is
49:04 technology negatively impacting our
49:06 relationships and the second is how do
49:07 you maintain a healthy relationship over
49:09 time so there's like two different
49:10 things that makes sense like what gets
49:12 in the way and how do you how do you
49:15 keep your tire nice and full of air
49:18 versus how do you uh fix it if a nail
49:20 punctures it so let's start with like
49:22 what technology is doing so this is what
49:24 technology is basically doing to our
49:27 social connections there there is a whol
49:30 scale social skills atrophy and a
49:32 deconditioning of certain parts of the
49:34 brain when we use technology so the
49:36 first thing to understand about the
49:37 brain this is beautiful thing about the
49:40 human body inanimate objects the more
49:44 you use them the worse they get but the
49:47 moment that you have biology the human
49:50 brain doesn't wear out it rusts so
49:52 inactivity of the human brain is
49:54 actually what causes problems okay
49:57 that's number one so
49:59 we can look at studies of like dementia
50:01 prevention and what we know is that
50:03 encouraging neuroplasticity through
50:04 things like learning how to play the
50:08 piano at the age of 60 will protect us
50:10 from dementia so we need to utilize our
50:12 brain to make it the
50:14 strongest this is also where you can
50:15 look at the physical body right so when
50:17 I when I think about what causes muscle
50:19 atrophy and what causes muscle growth
50:20 the more I use my muscles the more they
50:22 grow the more you use your brain the
50:25 more it grows so when we look at connections
50:26 connections
50:28 if you actually look at human
50:30 communication words are maybe I would
50:34 say 25 to 50% of communication at most
50:37 so you can walk into a room and without
50:39 even hearing a single thing that's said
50:41 you can know there's tension in the air
50:43 something is wrong you can even like I
50:44 remember when I was a kid I used to get
50:46 bullied a lot right and I would walk
50:48 into a room and I immediately knew that
50:51 they were making fun of me like all the
50:52 conversation would stop and everyone
50:54 would look at like one person would look
50:56 at me I'd see alarm in their face they
50:58 would would all see everyone else would
50:59 see the alarm in their face and they'd
51:01 look over and they'd see me and everyone
51:02 would stop talking I know I'm being made
51:06 fun of so body language tone volume this
51:09 is really interesting so there are even
51:11 video game companies that are starting
51:16 to ban people over voice coms so how do
51:17 you know if someone is toxically
51:20 communicating or not what we used to do
51:22 is use like words right so if you say
51:24 some kind of racial slur in chat like if
51:27 you type it out the game knows to scan
51:28 for that and then people will start to
51:30 get around that they'll use an at sign
51:32 instead of an A so now what they're
51:35 doing over voice coms is measuring tone
51:36 Oh so depending on the volume of what
51:39 you're saying right like that's how
51:41 they're actually detecting toxicity
51:42 because that's where toxicity exists
51:44 it's not oh hey Stephen you're a real
51:47 loser I really dislike you it's like
51:49 Stephen bro you're such a loser man oh
51:52 my God and even if I say that right it's
51:54 not negative at all even though I'm
51:55 using negative words is another quick
51:58 aside so men are really specific for
52:00 using the negative expression of a
52:02 positive affection so this is something
52:04 that's different about men so what we'll
52:06 do is we'll actually say negative things
52:08 to a friend of ours to express approval
52:09 like when someone gets engaged or gets
52:11 married it's like oh man like it's the
52:13 old ball and chain we're going to lose
52:15 you you're whipped but everyone's
52:17 smiling everyone's congratulating you
52:20 but we just express it in a negative way
52:23 yeah so so much of our communication is
52:25 tone is body language is volume now
52:27 what's happening is everyone is texting
52:29 so then the brain does something very
52:30 that's designed to do it's like hey
52:33 we're not using this thing let's lose it
52:35 so if you don't speak a language our
52:39 brain forgets it so as you this is what
52:40 a lot of people don't realize is that
52:42 there's a rise in social anxiety why is
52:44 there a rise in social anxiety it's
52:46 because the parts of our brain that
52:50 reassure Us in social situations are
52:52 starting to atrophy so when we don't pay
52:54 attention to body language when we don't
52:56 pay attention to tone those parts of the
52:58 brain shut off and then when I go into a
53:00 social situation those parts of the
53:02 brain are inactive so they can't
53:04 reassure me now what happens is I go to
53:07 a party that I was invited to or I go to
53:08 dinner with my friends that I was
53:10 invited to I'm kind of sitting at the
53:11 end of the table no one's really talking
53:13 to me and I'm like oh like I really
53:15 shouldn't be here these people just
53:16 invited me out of politeness they don't
53:18 really care about me but if your brain
53:21 is functioning well you're able to read
53:23 all of this nonverbal communication
53:27 that's reassuring so when it comes to
53:29 platonic friends and why this is hard we
53:31 are atrophying a lot of the social
53:34 skills a lot of these brain regions that
53:36 allow us to form connections allow us to
53:39 feel reassured allow us to feel safe
53:41 right now I kind of feel like oh my
53:42 friends are inviting me but I'm
53:44 bothering them by going like all these
53:45 kinds of things we're seeing more and
53:47 more of are you hopeful about
53:49 Generations that that have been
53:52 connected from birth yeah so so I I I
53:54 think that even though things are
53:55 problematic right we're talking about
53:57 how things are negative and social
53:59 anxiety is increasing and suicid
54:01 suicidality is increasing I'm very
54:03 optimistic because I think we have all
54:04 the answers like that's what's so cool
54:07 like we have a problem but we haven't
54:10 been addressing it directly even between
54:12 the last time I was here and now we've
54:14 learned so much more people are taking
54:16 social stuff more seriously the Surgeon
54:18 General of the United States released
54:21 like this this um uh bulletin on Lon
54:23 like the loneliness epidemic right so
54:24 even like the medical establishment is
54:26 starting to see loneliness as a problem
54:28 that we need to Target half of the
54:30 problems that we see in the world today
54:32 is because we haven't tried to fix them
54:34 they kind of crept up on us things like
54:35 video game addiction things like
54:37 loneliness now we see okay this is a big
54:39 problem so let's start devoting
54:41 resources to it let's understand what's
54:43 going on and we see this a lot like even
54:45 on our community like where we start
54:47 targeting a problem and people do better
54:49 the only reason we're losing the war is
54:51 because we haven't been fighting
54:54 back why haven't we been fighting back
54:55 Technologies must play a pretty
54:57 significant role in in this I think we
54:59 were slow we we're really good at
55:02 creating things without understanding
55:04 what they will do to us because the
55:05 impact doesn't show its face for a
55:07 couple of decades sometimes absolutely
55:09 and there's there's a there's an even
55:11 more Insidious thing which is right now
55:13 the since it's isolation like since
55:16 we're seeing more isolation we don't see
55:17 the impact because literally these
55:20 people are staying home so the majority
55:22 of of you know young men for example
55:24 like won't ever go to a therapist which
55:25 is why we can't help them with their
55:28 problems they won't share their problems
55:30 with other people because first of all
55:32 they don't know how to and secondly they
55:33 don't even know what they're feeling so
55:35 that they just like feel like they're a
55:37 loser so what we've started to see is
55:38 that these problems have been going on
55:42 for about 10 20 years but they're now
55:44 reaching a critical point where like
55:46 we're now noticing what's going on but
55:48 this has been going on for a while are
55:51 people becoming more narcissistic yes
55:53 they are yeah absolutely and what impact
55:55 is that having I don't even know where
55:56 to start like so I I think it's
55:58 affecting our relationships it's
56:00 affecting our happiness it's affecting
56:03 our professional ability I was thinking
56:05 is social media making us more
56:06 narcissistic is that then driving us to
56:08 be more lonely and if so how do we first
56:10 Define the word narcissism in this
56:13 context yeah so I'm going to lean into
56:16 um kind of a more yogic definition so we
56:18 have this this word in Sanskrit called
56:22 ahamkara and aamar means ego so ahamkara
56:26 is your sense of self I am dot dot dot
56:28 okay okay so I am tall I'm short I'm
56:31 Doctor I'm father I'm winner I'm loser
56:34 the first thing to understand about ego
56:37 is that it is not a real thing it is an
56:39 abstraction so if you were to look at me
56:42 and you say I if I say I am a doctor I
56:43 know this sounds kind like kind of a
56:46 weird question but is that true like
56:48 what makes me a doctor I can't biopsy
56:51 myself and find Doctor you can't find
56:53 doctor anywhere within me doctor is I
56:55 have a piece of paper on a wall that's
56:57 what makes me a doctor I have a license
56:58 to practice medicine that's what makes
57:00 me a doctor it's an abstraction so it's
57:03 not like a truth it's like a societal
57:06 shared delusion that we all agree that
57:08 I'm a doctor that's why I'm a doctor
57:09 okay and does that make sense yeah of
57:14 course okay so this is the ego now what
57:16 we also know is that from studies on
57:19 narcissism that narcissism has its roots
57:21 in insecurity so if you think about
57:23 someone who's like egotistical and
57:24 confident like Stephen I'm sure you know
57:28 both what's the difference between the
57:32 two confidence feels more secure and
57:35 egotistical feels more insecure
57:37 absolutely where does a confident
57:40 person's esteem come from inside where
57:43 does a egotistical esteem com outside
57:46 beautiful so this is what's what social
57:48 media is doing social media and
57:52 technology is externalizing our
57:54 perception so if I think about it like
57:57 think about a couple thousand years ago
57:59 what was my mind focused on so I would
58:02 go out to hunt I'm looking for an animal
58:04 I shoot a deer and then I walk three
58:07 hours back so for some amount of time my
58:09 mind is paying attention to the external
58:11 environment maybe I'm talking with the
58:12 people that I'm hunting with but what is
58:14 there to say like I can't talk to them
58:16 for 10 hours a day there's no substance
58:18 there's no news right we're like this
58:20 tribal community so if you really look
58:23 at the history of humanity our
58:25 perception has been internally focused
58:28 at least at least 50% of the time
58:29 literally what we are paying attention
58:33 to is our own thoughts our own feelings
58:35 the voices the desires the drives that
58:39 come within us what technology has done
58:41 is wholescale externalize our
58:43 perception and this is even where like
58:45 you know I used to be like an efficiency
58:48 junkie and so when I was in med school I
58:50 was going to be like you stepen and I
58:51 was going to be super efficient I was
58:53 going to be super successful so I was
58:55 like listening to a podcast in the
58:56 morning about self-help
58:58 I was going to listen to lectures on my
59:00 way to the subway I was going to read on
59:02 the way on the subway I was going to
59:04 listen to a lecture on my way to the
59:06 classroom pay attention in the classroom
59:08 then do some questions like some test
59:10 questions whatever so my mind was
59:12 constantly outside of me social media
59:14 makes this even worse because now we're
59:15 doom scrolling we're looking at what
59:17 other people are doing so we are
59:20 starting to exist outside of
59:22 ourselves once we exist outside of
59:25 ourselves all of our steem comes from
59:26 the outside world cuz that's where we're
59:29 spending our time so what's happening is
59:31 as we become more externalized we are
59:33 becoming insecure because where does
59:35 confidence really come from it doesn't
59:38 come from inside this is a big mistake a
59:41 lot of people uh don't realize which is
59:44 if you do really well and you don't
59:46 believe in yourself you don't become
59:48 secure a lot of people think that
59:49 becoming secure is about being
59:51 successful that's not the
59:53 case if you're really successful you
59:55 don't end up with security you end up
59:58 with imp imposter syndrome so I went to
60:00 tfts for medical school and I did my residency training at Harvard and what I
60:02 residency training at Harvard and what I saw is that the more successful you
60:05 saw is that the more successful you become that increases the rate of
60:06 become that increases the rate of impostor syndrome there's way more
60:08 impostor syndrome there's way more impostor syndrome at Harvard than there
60:11 impostor syndrome at Harvard than there is at the University of Texas there's
60:13 is at the University of Texas there's way more impostor syndrome at a place
60:15 way more impostor syndrome at a place like Goldman Sachs than there is at Bank
60:17 like Goldman Sachs than there is at Bank of America so lots of success actually
60:20 of America so lots of success actually creates this idea that I don't really
60:22 creates this idea that I don't really know if I can do this everyone else is
60:25 know if I can do this everyone else is so much better than me so we see
60:26 so much better than me so we see actually lots of success leads to
60:29 actually lots of success leads to imposter syndrome confidence doesn't
60:30 imposter syndrome confidence doesn't come from success it comes from
60:32 come from success it comes from surviving
60:33 surviving failure it's also far more internal so
60:36 failure it's also far more internal so it's not something that anyone else
60:38 it's not something that anyone else gives you it's like when you believe in
60:41 gives you it's like when you believe in yourself then you're confident and then
60:43 yourself then you're confident and then the beautiful thing is that once you
60:44 the beautiful thing is that once you believe in yourself then other people
60:47 believe in yourself then other people can think whatever they want to about
60:48 can think whatever they want to about you the way that you receive criticism
60:50 you the way that you receive criticism if you if you criticize an egotistical
60:52 if you if you criticize an egotistical person they will argue with you and
60:54 person they will argue with you and convince you that you're wrong and call
60:55 convince you that you're wrong and call you stupid whereas if you're confident
60:57 you stupid whereas if you're confident someone says hey you're an idiot I can
60:59 someone says hey you're an idiot I can say Okay help me understand why like I
61:01 say Okay help me understand why like I could be an idiot help me understand
61:03 could be an idiot help me understand right so this is where what social media
61:05 right so this is where what social media is doing is externalizing our
61:07 is doing is externalizing our perceptions building our ego we're so
61:10 perceptions building our ego we're so focused on the Judgment of other people
61:12 focused on the Judgment of other people I see the amount of body like subtle
61:15 I see the amount of body like subtle lowlevel body dysmorphia that I see in
61:18 lowlevel body dysmorphia that I see in young women is
61:20 young women is skyrocketing and I have a buddy who's a
61:22 skyrocketing and I have a buddy who's a plastic surgeon at Yale and you know
61:24 plastic surgeon at Yale and you know he's just stunned by you you have you
61:26 he's just stunned by you you have you have now young women in their 25 26 27
61:29 have now young women in their 25 26 27 who are getting plastic surgery like on
61:31 who are getting plastic surgery like on a yearly basis like small amounts of
61:32 a yearly basis like small amounts of Botox injections or lip fillers or like
61:34 Botox injections or lip fillers or like whatever men too men too so that's also
61:37 whatever men too men too so that's also what the other great equality thing
61:39 what the other great equality thing we're seeing is body dysmorphia has a
61:41 we're seeing is body dysmorphia has a meteoric rise within men this is another
61:44 meteoric rise within men this is another situation where it used to be primarily
61:46 situation where it used to be primarily a female diagnosis that's evening out
61:48 a female diagnosis that's evening out real
61:49 real quick so social media is making us
61:52 quick so social media is making us focused on our external appearance we
61:54 focused on our external appearance we lose our connection to our our elves and
61:57 lose our connection to our our elves and then once we lose our connection to
61:58 then once we lose our connection to ourselves we lose the capacity to gain
62:01 ourselves we lose the capacity to gain confidence and how does this then result
62:03 confidence and how does this then result in loneliness on a societal level so
62:06 in loneliness on a societal level so many different things so the first
62:08 many different things so the first reason it makes us lonely so this is
62:10 reason it makes us lonely so this is I've also seen the highest level
62:14 I've also seen the highest level of being around people and being lonely
62:18 of being around people and being lonely so I see so many people who have jobs
62:20 so I see so many people who have jobs even have girlfriends boyfriends have
62:23 even have girlfriends boyfriends have friends and they feel so incredibly
62:25 friends and they feel so incredibly lonely
62:26 lonely so what happens when
62:28 so what happens when we are externally focused right so if I
62:32 we are externally focused right so if I if I'm lonely like I need to put myself
62:34 if I'm lonely like I need to put myself out there so what I'm going to do is
62:35 out there so what I'm going to do is transform myself and this is where a lot
62:37 transform myself and this is where a lot of it's so interesting because a lot of
62:38 of it's so interesting because a lot of the guidance we give people helps in
62:42 the guidance we give people helps in some way but actually worsens the
62:44 some way but actually worsens the problem so if I'm lonely I'm going to
62:46 problem so if I'm lonely I'm going to focus on my social skills I'm going to
62:48 focus on my social skills I'm going to get a good haircut I'm going to learn
62:49 get a good haircut I'm going to learn how to dress I'm going to start working
62:51 how to dress I'm going to start working out I'm going to become professionally
62:53 out I'm going to become professionally successful and now i' I've become
62:55 successful and now i' I've become something that I can be proud of and now
62:58 something that I can be proud of and now that I've become something that I can be
63:00 that I've become something that I can be proud of I'm going to go interact with
63:01 proud of I'm going to go interact with other people and look at they're going
63:03 other people and look at they're going to love me because now I'm sexy and I'm
63:05 to love me because now I'm sexy and I'm successful and I'm I know how to talk to
63:07 successful and I'm I know how to talk to people and I'm going to you know talk to
63:09 people and I'm going to you know talk to them in this way and I'm going to do eye
63:11 them in this way and I'm going to do eye contact and I'm going to do all of the
63:12 contact and I'm going to do all of the things why are you doing the accent to
63:14 things why are you doing the accent to connect with you to make you like me
63:16 connect with you to make you like me right see now you're now you're laughing
63:19 right see now you're now you're laughing so now I feel okay because now I know oh
63:21 so now I feel okay because now I know oh Steven's laughing he likes me I'm
63:23 Steven's laughing he likes me I'm likable so what we actually do is we
63:26 likable so what we actually do is we create a false version of ourselves for
63:28 create a false version of ourselves for people to love and that's what really
63:31 people to love and that's what really screws us because they don't fall in
63:32 screws us because they don't fall in love with us they don't like us they
63:34 love with us they don't like us they don't like the broken pathetic kid that
63:36 don't like the broken pathetic kid that I used to be they like this glossy
63:39 I used to be they like this glossy polished
63:40 polished version and that creates a fundamental
63:43 version and that creates a fundamental loneliness even though you can be dating
63:45 loneliness even though you can be dating it's so interesting because I I'll work
63:46 it's so interesting because I I'll work with influencers like we have a Creator
63:48 with influencers like we have a Creator coaching program and like it's so hard
63:50 coaching program and like it's so hard for influencers to date because who is
63:53 for influencers to date because who is falling are you falling in love with the
63:55 falling are you falling in love with the influencer
63:56 influencer are you falling in love with Diary of a
63:59 are you falling in love with Diary of a CEO host or are you falling in love with
64:02 CEO host or are you falling in love with Steven right is it Dr K or is it Olo so
64:05 Steven right is it Dr K or is it Olo so this is what's really paradoxical is
64:07 this is what's really paradoxical is that we think that forming all of these
64:09 that we think that forming all of these connections will help our loneliness
64:11 connections will help our loneliness where often times it creates the
64:13 where often times it creates the opposite effect where now what they love
64:15 opposite effect where now what they love is a version of me not the real me and
64:18 is a version of me not the real me and now the problem is they love this
64:20 now the problem is they love this polished version what happens if I show
64:22 polished version what happens if I show them the ugly version they won't accept
64:24 them the ugly version they won't accept me I can never show it to them this is
64:26 me I can never show it to them this is what I noticed in my own life I noticed
64:27 what I noticed in my own life I noticed that before 25 I was a total failure
64:30 that before 25 I was a total failure with women and before 25 the real
64:32 with women and before 25 the real defining characteristic of that chapter
64:34 defining characteristic of that chapter of my life
64:35 of my life was all the external stuff like the
64:37 was all the external stuff like the Louis Vuitton bag the champagne bottles
64:39 Louis Vuitton bag the champagne bottles in the nightclub they're really trying
64:41 in the nightclub they're really trying really really hard to convince them and
64:44 really really hard to convince them and then after 25 I had much more success
64:47 then after 25 I had much more success with women and that chapter of my life
64:50 with women and that chapter of my life can be characterized by knowing who I
64:52 can be characterized by knowing who I was and being CAU with it all the stuff
64:54 was and being CAU with it all the stuff seemed to fall away like all the
64:55 seemed to fall away like all the external stuff seemed to fall away and
64:57 external stuff seemed to fall away and for some reason cuz I I talked to my
64:59 for some reason cuz I I talked to my friends um who are struggling with
65:02 friends um who are struggling with dating at the moment about this just see
65:04 dating at the moment about this just see if it can help them in any way the
65:05 if it can help them in any way the chapter of my life where I was reading
65:06 chapter of my life where I was reading those those um books the like pickup
65:09 those those um books the like pickup Artistry books and I was trying really
65:10 Artistry books and I was trying really hard was my most unsuccessful but the
65:12 hard was my most unsuccessful but the phase after where I
65:14 phase after where I stopped chasing so much um it the only
65:19 stopped chasing so much um it the only way I can describe it is there's like a
65:20 way I can describe it is there's like a thousand little micro things in me that
65:23 thousand little micro things in me that changed whether it's my posture the way
65:25 changed whether it's my posture the way I I don't know what it was but for me
65:27 I I don't know what it was but for me it's that season of insecurity and then
65:29 it's that season of insecurity and then the season of confidence and I'm just
65:31 the season of confidence and I'm just throwing that out there because um it
65:34 throwing that out there because um it kind of overlaps with what you were
65:36 kind of overlaps with what you were saying about the influencers and when
65:38 saying about the influencers and when you're trying too hard you're actually
65:40 you're trying too hard you're actually struggling the most today and um and if
65:43 struggling the most today and um and if you see this in your practice now hold
65:45 you see this in your practice now hold on a second so let's define success so
65:47 on a second so let's define success so when you were doing Louis Vuitton bags
65:49 when you were doing Louis Vuitton bags and pre25 were you going on
65:52 and pre25 were you going on dates I was going to the club every like
65:55 dates I was going to the club every like two times AEK a week to with like and
65:56 two times AEK a week to with like and ordering as much champagne as I could to
65:58 ordering as much champagne as I could to get people to come to my table and like
65:59 get people to come to my table and like to impress the girls that were at my
66:00 to impress the girls that were at my table and stuff did it work well all the
66:03 table and stuff did it work well all the girls that I wanted never wanted me back
66:05 girls that I wanted never wanted me back so the like
66:07 so the like four girls that I really pursued I could
66:09 four girls that I really pursued I could name them but I probably shouldn't um I
66:12 name them but I probably shouldn't um I could never get them to be in a
66:13 could never get them to be in a relationship with me like they wouldn't
66:14 relationship with me like they wouldn't it would I would have like shortterm
66:16 it would I would have like shortterm success and then they would never there
66:18 success and then they would never there we go so this is really important right
66:20 we go so this is really important right so this goes back to what we were saying
66:21 so this goes back to what we were saying short-term success is thalamic right so
66:24 short-term success is thalamic right so that's sensory perception
66:26 that's sensory perception so you could never get into a
66:27 so you could never get into a relationship so this is like perfect
66:29 relationship so this is like perfect right so let's understand so champagne
66:31 right so let's understand so champagne will get you to come to get them to come
66:32 will get you to come to get them to come to the table oh who's this yeah bring
66:35 to the table oh who's this yeah bring them back to the apartment right and you
66:37 them back to the apartment right and you can get somewhere but think about where
66:39 can get somewhere but think about where you were emotionally and where they were
66:41 you were emotionally and where they were emotionally you were like oh please
66:43 emotionally you were like oh please please please right and they're that's
66:46 please please right and they're that's not where they are emotionally so it's
66:48 not where they are emotionally so it's doomed to failure yeah so like I was
66:51 doomed to failure yeah so like I was just using that CU it's like a prime
66:53 just using that CU it's like a prime prime example of and then what happens
66:54 prime example of and then what happens is your conf so you're like meeting them
66:56 is your conf so you're like meeting them where they're at you're a little bit
66:58 where they're at you're a little bit confident hopefully they're a little bit
66:59 confident hopefully they're a little bit confident you form a connection and just
67:02 confident you form a connection and just doing a little bit of math it sounds
67:03 doing a little bit of math it sounds like you've been dating your current
67:04 like you've been dating your current girlfriend for a couple years now it
67:06 girlfriend for a couple years now it sounds like it didn't take long from you
67:08 sounds like it didn't take long from you being confident to like find someone
67:10 being confident to like find someone that you've been with exactly I've been
67:12 that you've been with exactly I've been with her for almost six years yeah yeah
67:14 with her for almost six years yeah yeah like like snap it's like so easy once
67:17 like like snap it's like so easy once you do it right you kind of get locked
67:19 you do it right you kind of get locked down real quick right and same thing
67:21 down real quick right and same thing happened with me so what a couple of
67:24 happened with me so what a couple of things so first is like this just goes
67:26 things so first is like this just goes back to once again we can take your test
67:29 back to once again we can take your test case with the Neuroscience of how to
67:32 case with the Neuroscience of how to fall in love and it maps on and like
67:34 fall in love and it maps on and like that's the beauty of science is that
67:36 that's the beauty of science is that it's true now I even forget uh so you
67:39 it's true now I even forget uh so you were talking about security and
67:40 were talking about security and insecurity so now you you said something
67:42 insecurity so now you you said something beautiful which is like a thousand
67:44 beautiful which is like a thousand different microcosm microcosmic things
67:47 different microcosm microcosmic things in here right like microscopic little
67:48 in here right like microscopic little tiny little things that you do within
67:50 tiny little things that you do within you I say that because when I read the
67:52 you I say that because when I read the book on how to pick up women it would
67:54 book on how to pick up women it would give you these little games these little
67:56 give you these little games these little tricks you could do and even if I did
67:58 tricks you could do and even if I did those even if I acted there was still
68:01 those even if I acted there was still something going on which meant these
68:02 something going on which meant these women didn't want to be with me like in
68:03 women didn't want to be with me like in a relationship I could I could pull
68:05 a relationship I could I could pull quote unquote pull them I could get them
68:07 quote unquote pull them I could get them on you know short term but I couldn't
68:08 on you know short term but I couldn't get them to to be with me yeah right so
68:11 get them to to be with me yeah right so so and I I think that's because human
68:12 so and I I think that's because human beings are incredibly empathic so what
68:15 beings are incredibly empathic so what you feel on the inside is what other
68:18 you feel on the inside is what other people resonate with so even if we look
68:20 people resonate with so even if we look at this podcast why is this podcast so
68:23 at this podcast why is this podcast so successful Stephen it's because you are
68:25 successful Stephen it's because you are AU IC it's because you're genuinely
68:27 AU IC it's because you're genuinely interested in the moment that you become
68:29 interested in the moment that you become genuinely interested everyone in the
68:31 genuinely interested everyone in the audience is going to become genuinely
68:33 audience is going to become genuinely interested so this is what's really
68:35 interested so this is what's really crazy that a lot of people don't
68:36 crazy that a lot of people don't understand everyone is trying to
68:38 understand everyone is trying to manipulate other human beings into doing
68:40 manipulate other human beings into doing what you want I want this person to fall
68:42 what you want I want this person to fall in love with me if you want to be a
68:44 in love with me if you want to be a leader if you want other people to be
68:46 leader if you want other people to be with you the most important thing is
68:48 with you the most important thing is authenticity there are studies about
68:50 authenticity there are studies about this that if you look at like how people
68:52 this that if you look at like how people in in the workplace rank leadership
68:55 in in the workplace rank leadership authenticity is at the top of the list
68:57 authenticity is at the top of the list so authenticity and the ability to
68:59 so authenticity and the ability to navigate negative challenges these are
69:01 navigate negative challenges these are the two most important things to like be
69:03 the two most important things to like be a leader if you look at studies of
69:04 a leader if you look at studies of psychology so when you're talking about
69:06 psychology so when you're talking about these thousand microscopic things that
69:08 these thousand microscopic things that you do that's exactly what I do in my
69:10 you do that's exactly what I do in my work right it's helping people it's not
69:13 work right it's helping people it's not solving the problem outside of you it's
69:15 solving the problem outside of you it's solving the problem in here and once you
69:18 solving the problem in here and once you know how the instrument Works people
69:20 know how the instrument Works people will flock to you this is what Charisma
69:22 will flock to you this is what Charisma actually is charisma is like
69:24 actually is charisma is like authenticity and the confidence to face
69:27 authenticity and the confidence to face hard times if you have these two things
69:29 hard times if you have these two things when you walk into a room people will
69:31 when you walk into a room people will like stop what they're doing and just
69:33 like stop what they're doing and just like look at you it it changes the way
69:35 like look at you it it changes the way that you conduct yourself right so we
69:37 that you conduct yourself right so we even know that there's this this
69:38 even know that there's this this discipline called psychon
69:40 discipline called psychon neuroimmunology when you believe
69:42 neuroimmunology when you believe something in your mind it affects your
69:44 something in your mind it affects your brain when it affects your brain it
69:46 brain when it affects your brain it affects your whole immune system it
69:48 affects your whole immune system it affects your physiology and other people
69:50 affects your physiology and other people pick up on
69:53 pick up on that so you have to solve internally
69:55 that so you have to solve internally first like the more internally solved
69:57 first like the more internally solved you are like like yeah it's so [ __ ]
70:00 you are like like yeah it's so [ __ ] true and I say this as well from a
70:02 true and I say this as well from a position of um both leadership but also
70:04 position of um both leadership but also being a founder of companies who
70:05 being a founder of companies who appoints leaders and if I think back
70:07 appoints leaders and if I think back over the last 10 years every single
70:09 over the last 10 years every single leader that I've appointed as CEO or
70:11 leader that I've appointed as CEO or something in the sea Suite who has then
70:13 something in the sea Suite who has then struggled was not being themselves
70:16 struggled was not being themselves absolutely and I just and it's so three
70:18 absolutely and I just and it's so three cases in my brain right now of leaders
70:21 cases in my brain right now of leaders who I appointed over the last 10 years
70:22 who I appointed over the last 10 years in these companies and three all three
70:25 in these companies and three all three three of them failed and if I can if I
70:27 three of them failed and if I can if I could articulate exactly why they failed
70:29 could articulate exactly why they failed it was because they were trying to be
70:31 it was because they were trying to be what they thought a leader was and they
70:33 what they thought a leader was and they weren't being themselves and people can
70:35 weren't being themselves and people can see it like the thing I said about the
70:37 see it like the thing I said about the Thousand little micro Expressions that
70:38 Thousand little micro Expressions that you can't control that just show up
70:40 you can't control that just show up invisibly when you are when you feel a
70:43 invisibly when you are when you feel a certain way inside that's exactly what
70:45 certain way inside that's exactly what those three leaders that come to mind
70:47 those three leaders that come to mind didn't understand was I watching them do
70:49 didn't understand was I watching them do the presentation to the team was
70:50 the presentation to the team was thinking God that person's not being
70:52 thinking God that person's not being themsel and they're trying to be a
70:53 themsel and they're trying to be a leader and if I know it I bet everyone
70:55 leader and if I know it I bet everyone else this bloody room can feel it too
70:57 else this bloody room can feel it too and then I've seen the opposite as well
70:59 and then I've seen the opposite as well um where leaders have been tremendously
71:00 um where leaders have been tremendously successful and you just know that this
71:02 successful and you just know that this person that I'm experiencing right now
71:05 person that I'm experiencing right now is who they are so that's the Crux of it
71:08 is who they are so that's the Crux of it right so I think that the challenge
71:09 right so I think that the challenge right now is everyone is looking to
71:11 right now is everyone is looking to become something that they're not as
71:13 become something that they're not as opposed to really understanding who you
71:15 opposed to really understanding who you are the good and the bad easier said
71:18 are the good and the bad easier said than done though isn't it but in the
71:19 than done though isn't it but in the world we live in well that's just well
71:21 world we live in well that's just well that's because we don't know how to do
71:22 that's because we don't know how to do it I mean until now we don't know how to
71:24 it I mean until now we don't know how to do it properly how do how do we do it so
71:27 do it properly how do how do we do it so I think there are a couple of core
71:29 I think there are a couple of core things that we have to start doing so
71:31 things that we have to start doing so the first is that you have to become
71:33 the first is that you have to become less alexithymic so Alexia I don't know
71:36 less alexithymic so Alexia I don't know if I don't remember if we've talked
71:37 if I don't remember if we've talked about this before but Alexia is
71:40 about this before but Alexia is colorblindness to your internal
71:42 colorblindness to your internal emotional state so you have to know what
71:45 emotional state so you have to know what you are feeling basically at all times
71:47 you are feeling basically at all times our emotions are a primary source of
71:50 our emotions are a primary source of motivation so and our emotions will also
71:53 motivation so and our emotions will also like just because we are numb to our
71:55 like just because we are numb to our emotions doesn't mean that our Emotions
71:57 emotions doesn't mean that our Emotions Don't act so we see this a lot with
71:59 Don't act so we see this a lot with technology where technology suppresses
72:02 technology where technology suppresses your internal emotional state you don't
72:05 your internal emotional state you don't know what you're feeling but like this
72:06 know what you're feeling but like this is crazy like just because you don't
72:08 is crazy like just because you don't you're not aware of your anxiety doesn't
72:11 you're not aware of your anxiety doesn't mean that like it's not like the your
72:12 mean that like it's not like the your anxiety portion of your brain shuts off
72:14 anxiety portion of your brain shuts off and you'll if you're if you're worried
72:16 and you'll if you're if you're worried about this there are a couple of really
72:17 about this there are a couple of really interesting signs so one thing that's a
72:20 interesting signs so one thing that's a really interesting sign of suppressed
72:22 really interesting sign of suppressed emotion is what happens when nothing
72:24 emotion is what happens when nothing else is going on
72:25 else is going on so a lot of a lot of us are addicted to
72:28 so a lot of a lot of us are addicted to this external world I need to be Doom
72:30 this external world I need to be Doom scrolling I need to be doing social
72:31 scrolling I need to be doing social media I need to be productive I need to
72:33 media I need to be productive I need to be listening to a podcast we can't sit
72:36 be listening to a podcast we can't sit with ourselves so if you when you go to
72:38 with ourselves so if you when you go to bed at night can you just fall asleep
72:41 bed at night can you just fall asleep naturally or what happens a lot is
72:44 naturally or what happens a lot is suppressed emotions start to come out
72:47 suppressed emotions start to come out when we sleep and this is the big
72:49 when we sleep and this is the big problem is the more technology we use
72:51 problem is the more technology we use that we get into this weird situation
72:53 that we get into this weird situation where another good place that emotions
72:54 where another good place that emotions come is during dreams so we do a lot of
72:57 come is during dreams so we do a lot of our emotional processing when we
72:59 our emotional processing when we sleep now the big problem that we're
73:01 sleep now the big problem that we're seeing nowadays this is kind of a random
73:03 seeing nowadays this is kind of a random aside is that normally the human being
73:06 aside is that normally the human being processes emotions throughout the day
73:08 processes emotions throughout the day for about 16 hours and then whatever is
73:10 for about 16 hours and then whatever is left over at night gets processed while
73:13 left over at night gets processed while we sleep we have dreams and things like
73:14 we sleep we have dreams and things like that now what's happening is we do zero
73:17 that now what's happening is we do zero emotional processing through the day and
73:19 emotional processing through the day and so our brain can't really make any
73:21 so our brain can't really make any emotional progress because it has all
73:24 emotional progress because it has all this work that's been built stop we've
73:25 this work that's been built stop we've been suppressing emotions suppressing
73:27 been suppressing emotions suppressing emotions suppressing emotions and in my
73:29 emotions suppressing emotions and in my case when I was like addicted to video
73:30 case when I was like addicted to video games I had to play until the state of
73:33 games I had to play until the state of absolute exhaustion because if I went to
73:35 absolute exhaustion because if I went to bed all of these thoughts will come up I
73:39 bed all of these thoughts will come up I saw this hilarious meme about you know
73:40 saw this hilarious meme about you know we have during the day we're sitting
73:42 we have during the day we're sitting upright so all of our anxiety is at the
73:44 upright so all of our anxiety is at the bottom of our feet and when we lay down
73:46 bottom of our feet and when we lay down like a liquid it enters our brain so if
73:48 like a liquid it enters our brain so if you're someone who has like a lot of you
73:51 you're someone who has like a lot of you know negative emotion when you go to bed
73:52 know negative emotion when you go to bed at night that is a signal that you are
73:55 at night that is a signal that you are suppressing too much emotion during the
73:56 suppressing too much emotion during the day okay so you're talking about me to
73:58 day okay so you're talking about me to some degree here now I wouldn't ever
74:00 some degree here now I wouldn't ever categorize the emotion I experienced at
74:02 categorize the emotion I experienced at night as negative always sometimes it is
74:05 night as negative always sometimes it is a little bit negative but it's typically
74:07 a little bit negative but it's typically not negative it's just loud so what I
74:09 not negative it's just loud so what I end up doing is I end up watching
74:12 end up doing is I end up watching YouTube until I fall asleep or watching
74:14 YouTube until I fall asleep or watching some serial killer thing until I fall
74:16 some serial killer thing until I fall asleep and it's and my partner she's the
74:18 asleep and it's and my partner she's the opposite you know she's a bit of Yogi
74:20 opposite you know she's a bit of Yogi like she can
74:22 like she can just if she's on the pillow for three
74:24 just if she's on the pillow for three minutes she is
74:26 minutes she is brilliant right she's snoring I'm so
74:28 brilliant right she's snoring I'm so jealous of it yeah and so what you need
74:29 jealous of it yeah and so what you need to do is so if if you have loud emotion
74:31 to do is so if if you have loud emotion so what's an example if it's not
74:33 so what's an example if it's not negative but it's loud I love the way
74:34 negative but it's loud I love the way you said that by the way it's just it's
74:36 you said that by the way it's just it's me re like thinking about something in
74:38 me re like thinking about something in the company or one of the businesses and
74:40 the company or one of the businesses and going okay this is the solution now I
74:42 going okay this is the solution now I finally figured out the solution and I
74:43 finally figured out the solution and I need to write this memo and I need to
74:44 need to write this memo and I need to blah blah blah blah blah yeah so I think
74:47 blah blah blah blah blah yeah so I think that this is makes a lot of sense so
74:49 that this is makes a lot of sense so whatever is built up throughout the day
74:51 whatever is built up throughout the day whenever your brain gets idle time it
74:54 whenever your brain gets idle time it will process so this is also something
74:56 will process so this is also something that I think a lot of people don't
74:57 that I think a lot of people don't realize we've stopped harnessing the
75:00 realize we've stopped harnessing the power of our subconscious mind so if you
75:02 power of our subconscious mind so if you look at Mo we're all like logical right
75:04 look at Mo we're all like logical right we're like let's do analysis let's do
75:06 we're like let's do analysis let's do this if you really look at the source of
75:08 this if you really look at the source of human like Brilliance it's never logical
75:12 human like Brilliance it's never logical so logic is something that we use to
75:14 so logic is something that we use to feed our subconscious mind and our
75:16 feed our subconscious mind and our unconscious mind data and then our
75:18 unconscious mind data and then our unconscious mind plays around with it
75:21 unconscious mind plays around with it and then actually creates a motivational
75:23 and then actually creates a motivational change so when I I work with people who
75:26 change so when I I work with people who are addicted to substances or you know I
75:28 are addicted to substances or you know I I worked with someone recently who had a
75:30 I worked with someone recently who had a relationship that wasn't going on very
75:32 relationship that wasn't going on very well right and so what what happens is
75:33 well right and so what what happens is we're like I don't know what to do
75:35 we're like I don't know what to do should I break up should I not break up
75:36 should I break up should I not break up you don't know what the answer is and
75:38 you don't know what the answer is and then what happens is you're like okay
75:39 then what happens is you're like okay let me break up with them and then you
75:41 let me break up with them and then you haven't really worked through it so when
75:42 haven't really worked through it so when you break up with them now I feel alone
75:44 you break up with them now I feel alone oh maybe they'll take me back I'm going
75:46 oh maybe they'll take me back I'm going to text them anyway and then we see this
75:48 to text them anyway and then we see this ping ponging so also if you're ping
75:50 ping ponging so also if you're ping ponging in life your unconscious mind is
75:53 ponging in life your unconscious mind is not functioning the way that it's
75:54 not functioning the way that it's supposed to
75:55 supposed to if you think about a healthy breakup
75:57 if you think about a healthy breakup what happens is you wake up one your day
75:58 what happens is you wake up one your day and you're like enough is enough I'm
76:00 and you're like enough is enough I'm done think about that for a second where
76:02 done think about that for a second where does that resolve come from why didn't
76:05 does that resolve come from why didn't you wake up with it the day before or
76:06 you wake up with it the day before or the week before or the month before I
76:08 the week before or the month before I see this a lot in addiction Psychiatry
76:10 see this a lot in addiction Psychiatry too where one day like after 14 years of
76:12 too where one day like after 14 years of alcohol addiction enough is enough and
76:15 alcohol addiction enough is enough and I'm done and that's what happens with
76:17 I'm done and that's what happens with most people they'll do it cold turkey
76:18 most people they'll do it cold turkey like at some random time but what's
76:20 like at some random time but what's going on is there's a lot of unconscious
76:22 going on is there's a lot of unconscious work that your brain is doing
76:25 work that your brain is doing that then creates resolve and what we're
76:28 that then creates resolve and what we're starting to do is we're not allowing our
76:29 starting to do is we're not allowing our brains to do that because we're so
76:31 brains to do that because we're so occupied in the external world we don't
76:34 occupied in the external world we don't experience our emotions and if we don't
76:36 experience our emotions and if we don't process our emotions during the daytime
76:39 process our emotions during the daytime then at night which is where the mo
76:42 then at night which is where the mo majority of learning and memory take
76:44 majority of learning and memory take place that's when we have consolidation
76:45 place that's when we have consolidation of memory but if you're if you've like
76:48 of memory but if you're if you've like you know have a bunch of piled up
76:49 you know have a bunch of piled up emotions your brain can't learn from
76:51 emotions your brain can't learn from your
76:52 your mistakes so what we really need to do is
76:54 mistakes so what we really need to do is be more aware of our emotions during the
76:56 be more aware of our emotions during the day and like do some amount of emotional
76:58 day and like do some amount of emotional processing during the day that'll unlock
77:01 processing during the day that'll unlock or free your brain up to do all of this
77:03 or free your brain up to do all of this other stuff at night
77:05 other stuff at night how great question so I think um for
77:08 how great question so I think um for this is where we it gets kind of
77:09 this is where we it gets kind of technical so the first thing that I
77:11 technical so the first thing that I would say for men especially is that we
77:13 would say for men especially is that we experience a lot more emotion in our
77:15 experience a lot more emotion in our bodies than is generally Psy
77:17 bodies than is generally Psy psychiatrically like accepted we're
77:19 psychiatrically like accepted we're seeing some changes of this so one
77:21 seeing some changes of this so one really good example of this about 10
77:23 really good example of this about 10 years ago um so I'm kind of interested
77:25 years ago um so I'm kind of interested in evidence-based complimentary and
77:27 in evidence-based complimentary and alternative medicine so someone that I
77:29 alternative medicine so someone that I met said hey have you ever heard of
77:30 met said hey have you ever heard of tapping and I was like what is this and
77:32 tapping and I was like what is this and it's something called the emotional
77:33 it's something called the emotional Freedom technique and what they told me
77:35 Freedom technique and what they told me is that if someone has trauma you can
77:38 is that if someone has trauma you can tap on them you can become a Tapper and
77:39 tap on them you can become a Tapper and there's a particular way to do it then
77:41 there's a particular way to do it then you tap on certain parts of their body
77:43 you tap on certain parts of their body and it releases the trauma so I was like
77:45 and it releases the trauma so I was like what BS is this this sounds like
77:46 what BS is this this sounds like complete BS now over the last decade
77:49 complete BS now over the last decade there have been several studies on it
77:50 there have been several studies on it there was recently a met analysis that
77:51 there was recently a met analysis that came out that showed that tapping is
77:53 came out that showed that tapping is actually pretty effective for like
77:55 actually pretty effective for like treating trauma and I was like what the
77:56 treating trauma and I was like what the hell is this this is wild right so even
77:58 hell is this this is wild right so even if we don't understand what the
77:59 if we don't understand what the mechanism is you can study whether
78:01 mechanism is you can study whether people's trauma gets better or not but I
78:03 people's trauma gets better or not but I think this is just one of the many
78:05 think this is just one of the many things that we've learned about emotions
78:07 things that we've learned about emotions existing within the body this is also a
78:09 existing within the body this is also a big problem that I see right now in our
78:11 big problem that I see right now in our mental health system is the majority of
78:13 mental health system is the majority of therapists have no training in the
78:14 therapists have no training in the physical body but if we think about like
78:16 physical body but if we think about like you know anger releases adrenaline
78:19 you know anger releases adrenaline affects blood pressure affects heart
78:20 affects blood pressure affects heart rate affects gut peristalsis so a lot of
78:24 rate affects gut peristalsis so a lot of our emotions are physical so the first
78:25 our emotions are physical so the first thing that you've got to do if you're a
78:27 thing that you've got to do if you're a dude and you don't understand what
78:28 dude and you don't understand what you're feeling is like pay attention to
78:30 you're feeling is like pay attention to your physical body so do you feel
78:32 your physical body so do you feel tension do you feel a tightness in the
78:34 tension do you feel a tightness in the chest and we men will actually use very
78:38 chest and we men will actually use very good emotional language as long as it
78:40 good emotional language as long as it relates to being physical so I'll tell
78:43 relates to being physical so I'll tell you Steven
78:44 you Steven man this girl called me and it was like
78:47 man this girl called me and it was like she kicked me in the nuts now what does
78:49 she kicked me in the nuts now what does that mean what is that emotionally like
78:51 that mean what is that emotionally like I don't know you don't know but we both
78:52 I don't know you don't know but we both know what we're talking about we know
78:53 know what we're talking about we know what it's like oh my God dude I know it
78:55 what it's like oh my God dude I know it sucks dude it sucks when they kick you
78:56 sucks dude it sucks when they kick you in the nuts oh my god dude it was like a
78:58 in the nuts oh my god dude it was like a punch to the gut oh my god dude like you
79:01 punch to the gut oh my god dude like you know when when we have issues of lack of
79:03 know when when we have issues of lack of self-esteem it's like small penises
79:05 self-esteem it's like small penises right I feel like my penis is small it's
79:07 right I feel like my penis is small it's like AEM masculate like all of these
79:09 like AEM masculate like all of these negative emotions we use physicality we
79:11 negative emotions we use physicality we use the language of
79:13 use the language of physicality second thing that you should
79:14 physicality second thing that you should do is is use your physical body so
79:17 do is is use your physical body so there's there's all kinds of things that
79:19 there's there's all kinds of things that you can do so I I think deep breathing
79:20 you can do so I I think deep breathing is a really fantastic thing that you can
79:22 is a really fantastic thing that you can do um exercise is really great I mean
79:25 do um exercise is really great I mean there are tons of people that I've
79:26 there are tons of people that I've worked with who were like therapy didn't
79:28 worked with who were like therapy didn't work for me but after a breakup lift bro
79:31 work for me but after a breakup lift bro like we hear this advice and we in the
79:33 like we hear this advice and we in the medical community has have been so
79:35 medical community has have been so arrogant because we've said oh no you
79:37 arrogant because we've said oh no you should go to talk therapy like you're
79:39 should go to talk therapy like you're wrong lifting didn't work for you what
79:41 wrong lifting didn't work for you what you should do is go to talk therapy
79:42 you should do is go to talk therapy that's not the case when when this is
79:45 that's not the case when when this is working for people we should pay
79:46 working for people we should pay attention to it and the more that we
79:48 attention to it and the more that we learn about science the more we should
79:50 learn about science the more we should tap into our body so the first thing
79:51 tap into our body so the first thing that I would say is anytime you're
79:53 that I would say is anytime you're feeling uncomfortable where is that
79:55 feeling uncomfortable where is that physical discomfort there's actually a
79:57 physical discomfort there's actually a really fascinating study that has
80:00 really fascinating study that has mapped uh s each emotion up to 100
80:04 mapped uh s each emotion up to 100 emotions to different part like
80:06 emotions to different part like different schemas in the body so anger
80:09 different schemas in the body so anger is like in the chest um sadness is like
80:12 is like in the chest um sadness is like in the chest and in the stomach uh you
80:15 in the chest and in the stomach uh you know worry is in the brain and in the
80:18 know worry is in the brain and in the stomach so like you can actually map out
80:20 stomach so like you can actually map out like each emotion to a physical
80:22 like each emotion to a physical sensation the cool thing that once you
80:25 sensation the cool thing that once you detect the emotion if you adjust that
80:28 detect the emotion if you adjust that physical sensation you will mentally get
80:30 physical sensation you will mentally get better there's a really great example of
80:32 better there's a really great example of this if you clench your right fist you
80:34 this if you clench your right fist you will feel angry and if you clench your
80:37 will feel angry and if you clench your left fist what do you feel when you
80:39 left fist what do you feel when you clench your left fist let's
80:42 clench your left fist let's see
80:44 see um it's like I don't know feel it feels
80:47 um it's like I don't know feel it feels a bit like a release I don't know yeah
80:49 a bit like a release I don't know yeah so it's really fascinating so there's
80:50 so it's really fascinating so there's actually studies on this that show that
80:51 actually studies on this that show that clenching your right fist activates your
80:54 clenching your right fist activates your left hemisphere spere and will lead to
80:55 left hemisphere spere and will lead to anger clenching your sorry clenching
80:58 anger clenching your sorry clenching your right fist clenching your left fist
80:59 your right fist clenching your left fist will actually calm you down can
81:01 will actually calm you down can sometimes lead to like sadness but there
81:04 sometimes lead to like sadness but there even like all kinds of because
81:05 even like all kinds of because everything in the body is reciprocal
81:07 everything in the body is reciprocal everything is like a circuit so you can
81:08 everything is like a circuit so you can activate it in one way like your mind
81:10 activate it in one way like your mind affects your body and your body affects
81:12 affects your body and your body affects your mind even if your your um your
81:15 your mind even if your your um your dominant hand is your left hand we don't
81:17 dominant hand is your left hand we don't know okay so I think these are usually
81:19 know okay so I think these are usually done on right-handed people there may be
81:21 done on right-handed people there may be some variance but the key thing still
81:23 some variance but the key thing still remains that
81:25 remains that um you know there's one technique that
81:26 um you know there's one technique that I'll do with patients in my office when
81:28 I'll do with patients in my office when they're about to have a panic attack if
81:29 they're about to have a panic attack if we're doing like some deep deep trauma
81:31 we're doing like some deep deep trauma stuff and they're getting
81:31 stuff and they're getting physiologically activated I will tell
81:33 physiologically activated I will tell them to run as fast as they can for 60
81:36 them to run as fast as they can for 60 seconds so when you run really really
81:39 seconds so when you run really really fast for 60 seconds like exercise your
81:41 fast for 60 seconds like exercise your heart out like someone is chasing you
81:43 heart out like someone is chasing you like you're being chased by a monster so
81:45 like you're being chased by a monster so what happens is that when we have a very
81:48 what happens is that when we have a very very high activation of our sympathetic
81:50 very high activation of our sympathetic nervous system our fight ORF flight
81:52 nervous system our fight ORF flight response it automatically kicks in the
81:55 response it automatically kicks in the parasympathetic nervous system when
81:57 parasympathetic nervous system when we're done so when someone is stuck in
81:59 we're done so when someone is stuck in an anxiety state and that's like a
82:02 an anxiety state and that's like a feeding cycle so I feel anxious now my
82:05 feeding cycle so I feel anxious now my heart rate is elevated now adrenaline
82:07 heart rate is elevated now adrenaline gets released adrenaline travels to my
82:09 gets released adrenaline travels to my brain and makes me feel more anxious I
82:12 brain and makes me feel more anxious I have more anxious thoughts so this
82:13 have more anxious thoughts so this becomes a cycle how do you break the
82:15 becomes a cycle how do you break the cycle you actually activate the
82:16 cycle you actually activate the sympathetic nervous system so hard that
82:19 sympathetic nervous system so hard that the body has to kick in with the
82:21 the body has to kick in with the parasympathetic nerves which must be
82:22 parasympathetic nerves which must be quite hard because when people are
82:23 quite hard because when people are struggling they typically
82:25 struggling they typically have lower motivation right yeah they're
82:27 have lower motivation right yeah they're getting to the gyms harder so that's why
82:29 getting to the gyms harder so that's why so you can do this 60-second run like
82:31 so you can do this 60-second run like literally I used to have an office that
82:32 literally I used to have an office that was on Commonwealth Avenue and I would
82:34 was on Commonwealth Avenue and I would walk outside with my patients and we
82:36 walk outside with my patients and we would run as fast as we can or do as
82:39 would run as fast as we can or do as many push-ups as you can interesting so
82:41 many push-ups as you can interesting so the really crazy thing is that when we
82:43 the really crazy thing is that when we try to control our emotions by calming
82:45 try to control our emotions by calming ourselves down like if you tell someone
82:46 ourselves down like if you tell someone who's pissed hey calm down what happens
82:49 who's pissed hey calm down what happens they don't get calm yeah not at all
82:50 they don't get calm yeah not at all triggers them right so you need to do
82:52 triggers them right so you need to do the opposite sometimes you need to lean
82:53 the opposite sometimes you need to lean into whatever emotion you're feeling
82:55 into whatever emotion you're feeling activate your physiology and it'll calm
82:57 activate your physiology and it'll calm your emotions
82:58 your emotions down I haven't read the book but I loved
83:01 down I haven't read the book but I loved the title of the book The Body holds the
83:03 the title of the book The Body holds the score and I watched a summary of that
83:05 score and I watched a summary of that book and one of the things it talks
83:06 book and one of the things it talks about in the book is the role of yoga as
83:09 about in the book is the role of yoga as one of the things that really helps
83:10 one of the things that really helps people with certain mental health
83:12 people with certain mental health predicaments and I was wondering if that
83:13 predicaments and I was wondering if that sort of overlaps with what you're saying
83:14 sort of overlaps with what you're saying here I I don't do yoga but a lot of
83:17 here I I don't do yoga but a lot of people that do almost see it as a form
83:19 people that do almost see it as a form of therapy um and it seems that there's
83:22 of therapy um and it seems that there's been lots of research on yoga as a
83:25 been lots of research on yoga as a as a way to help with
83:27 as a way to help with our stress our mental health with
83:29 our stress our mental health with depression anxiety and all of these
83:30 depression anxiety and all of these kinds of things um what's your thoughts
83:32 kinds of things um what's your thoughts on yoga I think it's great so I was you
83:36 on yoga I think it's great so I was you know I I was a very serious uh student
83:38 know I I was a very serious uh student of yoga for about seven years um I've
83:42 of yoga for about seven years um I've recently reinvigorated my yogic practice
83:44 recently reinvigorated my yogic practice I think uh yoga is absolutely
83:48 I think uh yoga is absolutely transformative for
83:49 transformative for trauma um I think it can achieve Health
83:53 trauma um I think it can achieve Health outcomes that we're not really fully
83:55 outcomes that we're not really fully aware of and the simple reason for that
83:57 aware of and the simple reason for that is you have to look at the studies on
83:59 is you have to look at the studies on yoga so usually when we do a scientific
84:02 yoga so usually when we do a scientific study we have to we we want to be like
84:04 study we have to we we want to be like very careful from a scientific protocol
84:06 very careful from a scientific protocol standpoint so we're going to take two
84:08 standpoint so we're going to take two groups of people 100 200 people so group
84:10 groups of people 100 200 people so group number one is 100 group number two is
84:12 number one is 100 group number two is 100 we're going to teach a 100 people
84:14 100 we're going to teach a 100 people yoga and then we're going to measure
84:16 yoga and then we're going to measure what happens after 12 weeks the other
84:18 what happens after 12 weeks the other 100 people are going to do something
84:19 100 people are going to do something like exercise so the key thing that we
84:21 like exercise so the key thing that we have to understand about studies on yoga
84:23 have to understand about studies on yoga is we're taking novices and we're
84:25 is we're taking novices and we're teaching them yoga there's still novices
84:28 teaching them yoga there's still novices at the end of the study and we see some
84:29 at the end of the study and we see some health benefits there are very few
84:32 health benefits there are very few studies on yogis right there are a lot
84:34 studies on yogis right there are a lot of studies on yoga but a yogi is very
84:36 of studies on yoga but a yogi is very different from yoga so when you get when
84:40 different from yoga so when you get when you become an expert in yoga so I I do
84:44 you become an expert in yoga so I I do this work myself and you know I teach my
84:46 this work myself and you know I teach my patients this kind of stuff so you learn
84:48 patients this kind of stuff so you learn a lot about the way that your mind
84:50 a lot about the way that your mind functions I think there are a lot of
84:52 functions I think there are a lot of correlations with CBT but uh you know
84:55 correlations with CBT but uh you know like yoga will teach us for example
84:57 like yoga will teach us for example about our ego and so how do you know if
85:00 about our ego and so how do you know if your mind is malfunctioning or not so
85:02 your mind is malfunctioning or not so you know like you were saying before
85:04 you know like you were saying before when we were talking you mentioned how
85:06 when we were talking you mentioned how do I know if I'm wrong or my partner is
85:07 do I know if I'm wrong or my partner is wrong right how do you know if your mind
85:09 wrong right how do you know if your mind is functioning properly one of the
85:11 is functioning properly one of the biggest problems in the world today is
85:12 biggest problems in the world today is that your mind comes up with conclusions
85:14 that your mind comes up with conclusions how do you know if your conclusion is
85:15 how do you know if your conclusion is right or wrong sometimes it's right
85:17 right or wrong sometimes it's right sometimes it's wrong and we just assume
85:18 sometimes it's wrong and we just assume that there's no way of knowing the
85:20 that there's no way of knowing the difference that's not true so if your
85:23 difference that's not true so if your mind is operating in a pure way that's
85:26 mind is operating in a pure way that's free from cognitive bias which we also
85:28 free from cognitive bias which we also know scientifically then your mind will
85:30 know scientifically then your mind will come up with the right conclusions so
85:32 come up with the right conclusions so the question is how do we remove
85:34 the question is how do we remove cognitive bias from the mind that's what
85:36 cognitive bias from the mind that's what the discipline of yoga teaches us so two
85:39 the discipline of yoga teaches us so two things to consider if you want to know
85:41 things to consider if you want to know whether your mind is thinking clearly or
85:43 whether your mind is thinking clearly or not first of all what emotions are you
85:46 not first of all what emotions are you feeling and if you say I'm logical right
85:48 feeling and if you say I'm logical right now I don't feel any emotion that is
85:50 now I don't feel any emotion that is factually incorrect there is no point 24
85:54 factually incorrect there is no point 24 hour hours a day 365 days of the year
85:57 hour hours a day 365 days of the year blood is Flowing to your the emotional
85:59 blood is Flowing to your the emotional circuits of your brain you are never not
86:00 circuits of your brain you are never not feeling any emotion so the first thing
86:03 feeling any emotion so the first thing we need to do is understand yoga teaches
86:05 we need to do is understand yoga teaches us this what is the emotional impact of
86:07 us this what is the emotional impact of our thoughts the second big thing is
86:09 our thoughts the second big thing is what is the ego saying so if your ego is
86:12 what is the ego saying so if your ego is active your ego will create cognitive
86:14 active your ego will create cognitive biases I feel insecure so what I'm going
86:17 biases I feel insecure so what I'm going to do is I'm going to do some mental
86:19 to do is I'm going to do some mental gymnastics to put someone else down and
86:21 gymnastics to put someone else down and Elevate myself now what you're doing is
86:23 Elevate myself now what you're doing is mental gymnastic you're adding a
86:25 mental gymnastic you're adding a cognitive bias to help yourself feel
86:27 cognitive bias to help yourself feel better so yoga from a physiologic level
86:31 better so yoga from a physiologic level will calm down our balance our nervous
86:33 will calm down our balance our nervous system um you know it can do things like
86:35 system um you know it can do things like change our respiratory rate about 18
86:37 change our respiratory rate about 18 minutes of yogic practice is what it
86:39 minutes of yogic practice is what it takes to shut down cortisol production
86:41 takes to shut down cortisol production in our brain so we know that cortisol
86:43 in our brain so we know that cortisol will then affect all kinds of things so
86:46 will then affect all kinds of things so Yoga Works on the physiologic level it
86:48 Yoga Works on the physiologic level it absolutely trains us mentally right so
86:51 absolutely trains us mentally right so like yoga I think is like the most
86:53 like yoga I think is like the most robust system of like mental training
86:56 robust system of like mental training that exists in the world so how do your
86:58 that exists in the world so how do your mind how do you control your desires how
87:00 mind how do you control your desires how do you control your perceptions um all
87:02 do you control your perceptions um all that kind of stuff there's a lot of good
87:04 that kind of stuff there's a lot of good trauma healing that can happen in yoga
87:06 trauma healing that can happen in yoga which has to do with a slightly
87:07 which has to do with a slightly different concept so I think yoga is
87:09 different concept so I think yoga is incredibly useful and Incredibly
87:11 incredibly useful and Incredibly powerful trauma healing I am I was
87:14 powerful trauma healing I am I was watching something you talk when you
87:15 watching something you talk when you were talking about how people who have
87:17 were talking about how people who have experienced trauma almost operate in
87:20 experienced trauma almost operate in defense in their lives and earlier on we
87:23 defense in their lives and earlier on we were saying that you know people have
87:24 were saying that you know people have these stories they've told themselves
87:26 these stories they've told themselves I'm lazy I'm this I'm that but when I
87:29 I'm lazy I'm this I'm that but when I heard you talk um so articulately about
87:31 heard you talk um so articulately about how trauma makes us play Life in defense
87:33 how trauma makes us play Life in defense it made me understand maybe a lot of
87:34 it made me understand maybe a lot of people that I know in my life that
87:37 people that I know in my life that aren't overtly motivated and seem to
87:40 aren't overtly motivated and seem to struggle with uh things like discipline
87:43 struggle with uh things like discipline what have we got to understand about the
87:44 what have we got to understand about the nature of trauma and the impact it has
87:46 nature of trauma and the impact it has on us as it relates to our ability to
87:47 on us as it relates to our ability to show up and Achieve our goals beautiful
87:49 show up and Achieve our goals beautiful question so this was like one of the
87:51 question so this was like one of the things that when I discovered this it
87:52 things that when I discovered this it was transformative for me and
87:54 was transformative for me and transformative for my
87:56 transformative for my patients so see people who there are two
88:00 patients so see people who there are two kinds of people in life there are people
88:02 kinds of people in life there are people who like have plans and goals and work
88:05 who like have plans and goals and work towards those goals they're like I'm
88:06 towards those goals they're like I'm going to get up today and I'm going to
88:08 going to get up today and I'm going to like Advance towards my goals I want to
88:10 like Advance towards my goals I want to accomplish this in life I'm going to get
88:12 accomplish this in life I'm going to get better at this and then there are the
88:14 better at this and then there are the rest of us who are like I don't know how
88:15 rest of us who are like I don't know how these people do it like I get up today
88:17 these people do it like I get up today and I struggle I use a lot of willpower
88:20 and I struggle I use a lot of willpower I try to create habits you know I'm
88:22 I try to create habits you know I'm trying to be like these people who are
88:24 trying to be like these people who are were productive but my default state if
88:26 were productive but my default state if you let me do what I want to do I'm
88:27 you let me do what I want to do I'm going to do nothing now we we look at
88:30 going to do nothing now we we look at this and we're like how does this work
88:31 this and we're like how does this work are these people fundamentally different
88:33 are these people fundamentally different so trauma is the big difference here so
88:35 so trauma is the big difference here so let's understand when we're developing
88:37 let's understand when we're developing as children if we grow up in a traumatic
88:39 as children if we grow up in a traumatic environment what will happen is there's
88:42 environment what will happen is there's actually something called the loss of
88:43 actually something called the loss of the future Dimension so I'll give you
88:46 the future Dimension so I'll give you like an example of this right so let's
88:48 like an example of this right so let's say I go to my parents and I say hey I'd
88:50 say I go to my parents and I say hey I'd like to have a birthday party can I
88:52 like to have a birthday party can I invite my friends over and then parents
88:54 invite my friends over and then parents say
88:55 say sure next day parents are drunk they get
88:58 sure next day parents are drunk they get mad at me they're like no birthday party
89:00 mad at me they're like no birthday party so what will happen if you look at
89:02 so what will happen if you look at traumatic upbringing is that children
89:05 traumatic upbringing is that children can't plan for the future any kind of
89:07 can't plan for the future any kind of future that any kind of kind of autonomy
89:10 future that any kind of kind of autonomy that they
89:10 that they express uh an abusive parent will shut
89:13 express uh an abusive parent will shut it down like you know this is highly
89:15 it down like you know this is highly controlling parents too we see this so
89:17 controlling parents too we see this so much in like Asian and South Asian
89:18 much in like Asian and South Asian cultures where parents are like you got
89:20 cultures where parents are like you got to do this and you got to do this no
89:22 to do this and you got to do this no drugs no dating going to study you're
89:24 drugs no dating going to study you're going to learn piano so we're actually
89:27 going to learn piano so we're actually doing this is like we see so many gifted
89:29 doing this is like we see so many gifted kids that stall later in life because in
89:32 kids that stall later in life because in these upbringings we remove the the
89:35 these upbringings we remove the the ability for autonomy when a child tries
89:37 ability for autonomy when a child tries to express themselves we shut it down
89:40 to express themselves we shut it down the second thing that happens is trauma
89:41 the second thing that happens is trauma is about surviving today so I was
89:44 is about surviving today so I was working with a patient who you know
89:46 working with a patient who you know would be able to tell within the first
89:48 would be able to tell within the first 60 seconds to 5 minutes when their dad
89:50 60 seconds to 5 minutes when their dad got home whether they were going to get
89:52 got home whether they were going to get beaten today and so what people when
89:55 beaten today and so what people when people grow up in traumatic environments
89:56 people grow up in traumatic environments and it doesn't have to be physical abuse
89:58 and it doesn't have to be physical abuse it can be highly controlling it can be
90:01 it can be highly controlling it can be even like children who are parentified
90:03 even like children who are parentified is kind of traumatic where you have a a
90:05 is kind of traumatic where you have a a a parent who's very chronically ill and
90:07 a parent who's very chronically ill and is depending on the kid to take care of
90:09 is depending on the kid to take care of everything that's traumatic too because
90:11 everything that's traumatic too because then what happens is your brain looks at
90:13 then what happens is your brain looks at your day and there's no point in
90:15 your day and there's no point in planning for tomorrow all of your
90:17 planning for tomorrow all of your brain's resources are about surviving
90:19 brain's resources are about surviving today how do I not get abused how do I
90:22 today how do I not get abused how do I make sure that my parents don't notice
90:23 make sure that my parents don't notice me
90:24 me children who grow up in traumatic
90:26 children who grow up in traumatic environments learn to be invisible and
90:28 environments learn to be invisible and so then something very important happens
90:29 so then something very important happens in the brain where it stops planning for
90:32 in the brain where it stops planning for the future because any plan for the
90:34 the future because any plan for the future can change depending on whether
90:36 future can change depending on whether your parent is drunk or not and then if
90:39 your parent is drunk or not and then if I was going to have a birthday party I
90:40 I was going to have a birthday party I told all my friends and I got cancelled
90:43 told all my friends and I got cancelled now that hurts so much so what what
90:46 now that hurts so much so what what happens when we get traumatized is we go
90:47 happens when we get traumatized is we go into survival mode we go into protective
90:50 into survival mode we go into protective mode and this is even mirrored like
90:52 mode and this is even mirrored like physiologically where we have two states
90:54 physiologically where we have two states of the body we have our catabolic state
90:56 of the body we have our catabolic state where we're breaking things down we're
90:58 where we're breaking things down we're trying to survive the moment and we have
91:01 trying to survive the moment and we have our anabolic State when when we are
91:03 our anabolic State when when we are building for the
91:04 building for the future so when I encounter a tiger and I
91:07 future so when I encounter a tiger and I get a burst of cortisol cortisol breaks
91:10 get a burst of cortisol cortisol breaks down my muscle tissue to provide me with
91:12 down my muscle tissue to provide me with enough energy to survive we are
91:15 enough energy to survive we are sacrificing the future to plan to
91:17 sacrificing the future to plan to survive the present and that happens on
91:19 survive the present and that happens on a physiological level it happens on a
91:21 a physiological level it happens on a mental level so when you grow up in a
91:23 mental level so when you grow up in a traumatic environment where you are
91:25 traumatic environment where you are punished for thinking about the future
91:28 punished for thinking about the future you can't plan for anything because your
91:30 you can't plan for anything because your home environment is so chaotic there's
91:33 home environment is so chaotic there's no rules no organization and you're
91:35 no rules no organization and you're focused on Survival that becomes baked
91:38 focused on Survival that becomes baked in and what happens when these people
91:40 in and what happens when these people grow up is that they are bound by
91:42 grow up is that they are bound by external stimuli if there is some kind
91:44 external stimuli if there is some kind of pressure from the external
91:46 of pressure from the external environment then I can act but I cannot
91:49 environment then I can act but I cannot derive internal sense of motivation at
91:51 derive internal sense of motivation at all because now that there's an external
91:53 all because now that there's an external deadline I have to survive that deadline
91:55 deadline I have to survive that deadline so they go into this survival mode
91:57 so they go into this survival mode instead of this like being able to look
91:59 instead of this like being able to look into the future mode and it's it's
92:01 into the future mode and it's it's really crippling because it's
92:02 really crippling because it's fundamentally like the part of their
92:04 fundamentally like the part of their brain that plans for the future has been
92:06 brain that plans for the future has been disabled permanently no that can be Reed
92:10 disabled permanently no that can be Reed it's just been disabled in this way
92:13 it's just been disabled in this way right so like that's your default State
92:15 right so like that's your default State then what we have to do is like undo
92:18 then what we have to do is like undo that so does that mean that parents who
92:21 that so does that mean that parents who give their children more autonomy when
92:23 give their children more autonomy when they're younger typically are better at
92:25 they're younger typically are better at attacking life and parents who stifle
92:27 attacking life and parents who stifle their kids autonomy end up playing in
92:29 their kids autonomy end up playing in goal absolutely so so we can look at
92:32 goal absolutely so so we can look at something called authoritative ver
92:34 something called authoritative ver versus authoritarian parenting okay so
92:37 versus authoritarian parenting okay so there are two kinds of parenting that
92:38 there are two kinds of parenting that people can do one is where I'm going to
92:41 people can do one is where I'm going to support my kid but I'm going to give
92:42 support my kid but I'm going to give them autonomy I'm going to give them
92:44 them autonomy I'm going to give them structure and guard rails but they can
92:46 structure and guard rails but they can operate to a certain degree
92:48 operate to a certain degree independently that leads to the best
92:50 independently that leads to the best outcomes versus parents who are highly
92:52 outcomes versus parents who are highly controlling parents who are highly
92:54 controlling parents who are highly controlling their kids have worse
92:56 controlling their kids have worse outcomes in life so even if they're
92:59 outcomes in life so even if they're successful in some
93:01 successful in some way right and I was even on this track
93:03 way right and I was even on this track where like when I was 9 years old like
93:05 where like when I was 9 years old like my dad told me me and my brother he's
93:07 my dad told me me and my brother he's like one of y'all is going to be a
93:08 like one of y'all is going to be a lawyer one of y'all is going to be a
93:09 lawyer one of y'all is going to be a doctor like there was no question about
93:11 doctor like there was no question about it I had to become a doctor and then my
93:13 it I had to become a doctor and then my brother was older he went to law school
93:14 brother was older he went to law school so I was like I have to I have to go to
93:15 so I was like I have to I have to go to med school and so what what happened is
93:18 med school and so what what happened is I struggled a lot with autonomy when I
93:20 I struggled a lot with autonomy when I was in college and failed out and all
93:22 was in college and failed out and all that kind of stuff and I work with so
93:24 that kind of stuff and I work with so many people like in residency I I was
93:26 many people like in residency I I was running this program where I did like
93:28 running this program where I did like you know Wellness for medical residents
93:31 you know Wellness for medical residents surgical residents emergency room
93:32 surgical residents emergency room residents and what I saw is that a lot
93:34 residents and what I saw is that a lot of these people have invested a lot of
93:36 of these people have invested a lot of this time into this dream but they're
93:37 this time into this dream but they're not happy so now they're kind of just
93:39 not happy so now they're kind of just like living on autopilot and they don't
93:41 like living on autopilot and they don't like know what to do about it they're
93:43 like know what to do about it they're unhappy but now you feel stuck you've
93:45 unhappy but now you feel stuck you've committed to this path so how do we turn
93:47 committed to this path so how do we turn ourselves around if we are one of those
93:49 ourselves around if we are one of those people who find ourselves playing in
93:50 people who find ourselves playing in goal in life how do we become an
93:52 goal in life how do we become an attacker how do we become autonomous and
93:54 attacker how do we become autonomous and a selfstarter like you described is
93:56 a selfstarter like you described is there a a system a way a process yeah so
93:58 there a a system a way a process yeah so I I think um so it's complicated but I
94:01 I I think um so it's complicated but I think we know there are a couple of
94:03 think we know there are a couple of different steps that are involved so the
94:05 different steps that are involved so the first is you have to be safe so if
94:08 first is you have to be safe so if you're in a position of life where you
94:10 you're in a position of life where you are constantly stressed out it shuts off
94:13 are constantly stressed out it shuts off your capacity for neuroplasticity so the
94:16 your capacity for neuroplasticity so the first thing that I recommend to people
94:17 first thing that I recommend to people is like you know if you're in a toxic
94:19 is like you know if you're in a toxic relationship if you're in an abusive
94:21 relationship if you're in an abusive home do whatever you can to create some
94:24 home do whatever you can to create some pocket of safety in your life because
94:25 pocket of safety in your life because the growth has to come from there so
94:27 the growth has to come from there so it's like super basic stuff second thing
94:29 it's like super basic stuff second thing that we have to do is learn how to
94:30 that we have to do is learn how to regulate our emotions so if we don't
94:33 regulate our emotions so if we don't know first of all what we're
94:34 know first of all what we're feeling then our emotions will act in
94:37 feeling then our emotions will act in ways that are very self-sabotaging so we
94:40 ways that are very self-sabotaging so we have to we have to decompress our
94:42 have to we have to decompress our negative emotion because otherwise the
94:44 negative emotion because otherwise the negative emotion will fuel things like
94:47 negative emotion will fuel things like addiction so if I don't if I don't have
94:49 addiction so if I don't if I don't have a healthy way of processing my emotion
94:51 a healthy way of processing my emotion my brain because it's trying to survive
94:54 my brain because it's trying to survive will start drinking alcohol because
94:56 will start drinking alcohol because that's the only thing that works so we
94:58 that's the only thing that works so we have to develop some degree of emotional
95:00 have to develop some degree of emotional regulation now this is the really cool
95:02 regulation now this is the really cool thing so if you look at so Stephen let's
95:04 thing so if you look at so Stephen let's talk about you for a second is that okay
95:06 talk about you for a second is that okay no cheing go so you're are you a
95:09 no cheing go so you're are you a survivalist or you like looking
95:12 survivalist or you like looking forward I'm looking
95:14 forward I'm looking forward how does that work for you how
95:18 forward how does that work for you how are you able to look forward like what
95:19 are you able to look forward like what what's your inner experience I've always
95:22 what's your inner experience I've always looked forward I've always had to look
95:23 looked forward I've always had to look forward I've not really had a choice in
95:24 forward I've not really had a choice in life I don't think I think I was my
95:26 life I don't think I think I was my parents were so absent that it created
95:29 parents were so absent that it created an environment where I didn't have a
95:31 an environment where I didn't have a choice it's like if you wanted lunch
95:32 choice it's like if you wanted lunch money it's it's not going to appear out
95:34 money it's it's not going to appear out of anywhere if you want to eat today
95:35 of anywhere if you want to eat today it's not going to appear parents aren't
95:37 it's not going to appear parents aren't home so you have to go figure stuff out
95:39 home so you have to go figure stuff out I had the same external pressures of
95:41 I had the same external pressures of trying to fit in at school or all these
95:43 trying to fit in at school or all these pressures that anyone has but I had an
95:45 pressures that anyone has but I had an absence of um dictation so I had to
95:50 absence of um dictation so I had to figure it out and run experiments so as
95:52 figure it out and run experiments so as an adult I'm still doing that that now
95:54 an adult I'm still doing that that now okay that frightens
95:56 okay that frightens me so um so my guess is that if you try
96:00 me so um so my guess is that if you try to sit still you start to
96:02 to sit still you start to panic oh I really struggle with
96:05 panic oh I really struggle with Stillness okay yeah so you have a
96:07 Stillness okay yeah so you have a different problem the answer I was did
96:09 different problem the answer I was did you find out I was a psychopath or
96:11 you find out I was a psychopath or something what have you figured out no I
96:12 something what have you figured out no I mean so you can't be still right so so
96:14 mean so you can't be still right so so so this is trauma like I mean I can't
96:16 so this is trauma like I mean I can't diagnose you with anything but I want
96:18 diagnose you with anything but I want you this is actually a great example
96:20 you this is actually a great example because your
96:22 because your productivity is is running away from
96:25 productivity is is running away from something does that make sense yeah 100%
96:27 something does that make sense yeah 100% right it's crazy like you're not running
96:29 right it's crazy like you're not running towards something you're not building
96:31 towards something you're not building something I mean you're practically
96:32 something I mean you're practically you're building something you're
96:33 you're building something you're building something great and I see this
96:35 building something great and I see this so much it's a concept that I call toxic
96:36 so much it's a concept that I call toxic fuel right where're like but you're like
96:38 fuel right where're like but you're like oh my God unless I build something cuz
96:41 oh my God unless I build something cuz you're panicked like if I if I don't do
96:43 you're panicked like if I if I don't do it for myself no one will do it for me
96:45 it for myself no one will do it for me that's [ __ ] sad bro is it yes right
96:49 that's [ __ ] sad bro is it yes right so like like we're talking about having
96:51 so like like we're talking about having kids one day like do you want your kid
96:53 kids one day like do you want your kid to be able to count on you or do you
96:55 to be able to count on you or do you want them to grow up in an environment
96:57 want them to grow up in an environment where like they can't count on anyone
96:58 where like they can't count on anyone they have to do if they want lunch money
97:00 they have to do if they want lunch money they have to go out and get it I would
97:02 they have to go out and get it I would rather them be able to count on me and
97:05 rather them be able to count on me and our parents you're getting emotional
97:06 our parents you're getting emotional yeah
97:12 why um are you getting emotional no because I'm so I'm so used
97:15 emotional no because I'm so I'm so used to it I'm so accustomed to it for me for
97:18 to it I'm so accustomed to it for me for me there's no when you say it's sad I'm
97:20 me there's no when you say it's sad I'm like really it's just my life it was my
97:21 like really it's just my life it was my life so do you know what I mean now this
97:23 life so do you know what I mean now this is a great I'm getting emotional because
97:25 is a great I'm getting emotional because you're getting emotional what do you
97:27 you're getting emotional what do you mean so just because you don't feel it
97:30 mean so just because you don't feel it doesn't mean that it isn't activating
97:32 doesn't mean that it isn't activating okay right so I know you don't this is
97:34 okay right so I know you don't this is normal for me it's sad and you're numb
97:38 normal for me it's sad and you're numb right so once again you've been exposed
97:39 right so once again you've been exposed to this so many times but like you think
97:42 to this so many times but like you think like that's why like how do I know am I
97:44 like that's why like how do I know am I some psychic where I know that okay if
97:45 some psychic where I know that okay if you try to sit still you're going to
97:47 you try to sit still you're going to panic like no like I'm getting that from
97:49 panic like no like I'm getting that from you does that make sense yeah yeah yeah
97:51 you does that make sense yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah some of it's logical but like
97:54 yeah yeah some of it's logical but like like you know you you say I'm looking
97:55 like you know you you say I'm looking forward just the way that you said it
97:57 forward just the way that you said it implies for me like what is going on in
97:59 implies for me like what is going on in your mind there's a desperation to your
98:01 your mind there's a desperation to your forward momentum yes right that's not
98:05 forward momentum yes right that's not good I
98:07 good I know right and but here's the problem is
98:10 know right and but here's the problem is you love it you love it because if you
98:14 you love it you love it because if you didn't have it where would you
98:17 didn't have it where would you be 100% I'm I completely agree with
98:19 be 100% I'm I completely agree with everything you're saying you're not
98:21 everything you're saying you're not answering the question oh you want you
98:22 answering the question oh you want you want me to answer the question where
98:23 want me to answer the question where would I be no I want you to think about
98:26 would I be no I want you to think about why it's hard for you to answer the
98:27 why it's hard for you to answer the question I didn't even hear the question
98:29 question I didn't even hear the question okay um where would I be that's
98:32 okay um where would I be that's interesting in and of itself yeah I
98:33 interesting in and of itself yeah I didn't even know it was a question so
98:35 didn't even know it was a question so where would I be if I didn't have it I
98:37 where would I be if I didn't have it I don't I I don't know and I think about
98:38 don't I I don't know and I think about this a lot I think about this all the
98:40 this a lot I think about this all the time because you sometimes you can like
98:42 time because you sometimes you can like fantasize about living a completely
98:44 fantasize about living a completely different life and I put myself there on
98:47 different life and I put myself there on the on the beach or in barley or
98:48 the on the beach or in barley or something and I'm and I just go like
98:50 something and I'm and I just go like that I would be so irritated like
98:53 that I would be so irritated like irritated not as in like annoyed
98:55 irritated not as in like annoyed irritated as in as you said like not
98:57 irritated as in as you said like not being able to sit still I would be so
99:00 being able to sit still I would be so like I'd end up building a Hut or I'd
99:03 like I'd end up building a Hut or I'd end up like you
99:05 end up like you know yes I like when I have that fantasy
99:08 know yes I like when I have that fantasy of like run away from my life and start
99:11 of like run away from my life and start from zero on a beach somewhere I go I'll
99:13 from zero on a beach somewhere I go I'll just find myself back here again because
99:15 just find myself back here again because I'll do something on the Hut which will
99:18 I'll do something on the Hut which will I'll build a sky grave on the hut or
99:19 I'll build a sky grave on the hut or something this is trauma is not really
99:21 something this is trauma is not really the right word but it is kind of the
99:23 the right word but it is kind of the right word so this is what I mean so you
99:25 right word so this is what I mean so you are
99:26 are controlled by these impulses within you
99:30 controlled by these impulses within you I would say yes it's crazy right I
99:34 I would say yes it's crazy right I always liken it to being driven and
99:35 always liken it to being driven and dragged and I go I think I'm dragged a
99:37 dragged and I go I think I'm dragged a little bit yeah and I love your phrase
99:39 little bit yeah and I love your phrase toxic fuel right right so so you're
99:42 toxic fuel right right so so you're you're all of your growth and this is
99:43 you're all of your growth and this is what happens is this is what why men get
99:45 what happens is this is what why men get so stuck in this cycle because that's
99:47 so stuck in this cycle because that's the only way we know how to motivate
99:49 the only way we know how to motivate ourselves right it is running away from
99:52 ourselves right it is running away from the panic using the fear and and maybe
99:56 the panic using the fear and and maybe this is a bit much but I I I think like
99:58 this is a bit much but I I I think like you know I would bet money that there
100:00 you know I would bet money that there are there was a time in your life where
100:03 are there was a time in your life where you were a no one and you were like [ __ ]
100:07 you were a no one and you were like [ __ ] this never again and you were like I'm
100:10 this never again and you were like I'm going to I'm going to run away like I'm
100:12 going to I'm going to run away like I'm never going to do this again it was so
100:14 never going to do this again it was so incredibly painful and then that's what
100:17 incredibly painful and then that's what fuels you and if you stop I would bet
100:20 fuels you and if you stop I would bet money that the Panic that you feel is
100:23 money that the Panic that you feel is very is connected to that moment in your
100:25 very is connected to that moment in your life when you're like never
100:29 life when you're like never again who knows yes okay no yeah I mean
100:34 again who knows yes okay no yeah I mean I it's it's funny because I think I was
100:35 I it's it's funny because I think I was thinking as you said it and I was I was
100:37 thinking as you said it and I was I was reflecting on this day when I was
100:39 reflecting on this day when I was younger and I walked to this park it was
100:40 younger and I walked to this park it was late at night and this kid called Sam he
100:45 late at night and this kid called Sam he he started calling me the nword and in
100:47 he started calling me the nword and in that moment you've got I just I don't
100:49 that moment you've got I just I don't know why I I always think of this moment
100:50 know why I I always think of this moment but you've got this real disconnection
100:52 but you've got this real disconnection cuz I'm the only black there anyway this
100:54 cuz I'm the only black there anyway this is like Devon in 1990 whatever um and I
100:59 is like Devon in 1990 whatever um and I I thought we were so different our
101:00 I thought we were so different our family was so different anyway and just
101:02 family was so different anyway and just that moment of feeling totally
101:04 that moment of feeling totally disconnected because you're you don't
101:05 disconnected because you're you don't look like anyone else you don't sound
101:06 look like anyone else you don't sound like anyone else you you're curly hair
101:08 like anyone else you you're curly hair you're different color skin and that
101:11 you're different color skin and that just real sense of disconnection and I
101:14 just real sense of disconnection and I think that kind of sort of permeated a
101:17 think that kind of sort of permeated a lot of my early upbringing was this
101:19 lot of my early upbringing was this shame this insecurity this disconnection
101:21 shame this insecurity this disconnection and then you compound that with your
101:22 and then you compound that with your parents being aware
101:23 parents being aware and so when I was talk about my parents
101:25 and so when I was talk about my parents not being in the house much when I was
101:26 not being in the house much when I was like when I was younger I still had this
101:29 like when I was younger I still had this disconnection and this shame but now I
101:30 disconnection and this shame but now I had this big void of freedom to do
101:32 had this big void of freedom to do something about it which meant I could
101:34 something about it which meant I could start a business I could sell some stuff
101:36 start a business I could sell some stuff and if I sell some stuff I can buy some
101:38 and if I sell some stuff I can buy some shoes and the shoes are going to make me
101:39 shoes and the shoes are going to make me fit in because everyone else has those
101:41 fit in because everyone else has those shoes so it was this kind of spiral and
101:43 shoes so it was this kind of spiral and as you get older I become I can be be
101:46 as you get older I become I can be be aware of it all I want it doesn't mean
101:47 aware of it all I want it doesn't mean it's going to help necessarily because
101:49 it's going to help necessarily because there's a difference obviously as you
101:50 there's a difference obviously as you know from being aware of something and
101:52 know from being aware of something and then being able to take control of the
101:53 then being able to take control of the thing no there isn't this is how we
101:55 thing no there isn't this is how we started the conversation no there's not
101:56 started the conversation no there's not a difference oh is there not I thought
101:58 a difference oh is there not I thought was a logical process hold on hold on
102:00 was a logical process hold on hold on great so I'm not can I ask can we go a
102:02 great so I'm not can I ask can we go a little bit 100% so you're so interesting
102:06 little bit 100% so you're so interesting right so you felt ashamed you felt small
102:10 right so you felt ashamed you felt small yeah you felt like you didn't have
102:12 yeah you felt like you didn't have anyone's respect
102:14 anyone's respect right and so you've done something
102:16 right and so you've done something beautiful when someone looks at you what
102:20 beautiful when someone looks at you what do they see now
102:28 the opposite yes tell me what do they what does someone see now when they look
102:29 what does someone see now when they look at me probably they
102:31 at me probably they see
102:33 see um confidence they probably see someone
102:36 um confidence they probably see someone who's quite secure in themselves
102:37 who's quite secure in themselves absolutely right so you have a very it's
102:39 absolutely right so you have a very it's subtle man we're going to get so subtle
102:41 subtle man we're going to get so subtle it may not make sense so there's so many
102:44 it may not make sense so there's so many layers of projecting confidence and
102:47 layers of projecting confidence and you've tapped into an authentic
102:49 you've tapped into an authentic confidence there's even a subtle thing
102:51 confidence there's even a subtle thing because you dress very carefully right
102:53 because you dress very carefully right you don't dress in a way that normal
102:56 you don't dress in a way that normal people who are trying to impress people
102:58 people who are trying to impress people dress you want to be authentically
103:00 dress you want to be authentically impressive does that make sense you're
103:03 impressive does that make sense you're not going to you're not going to take
103:04 not going to you're not going to take any shortcuts to being impressive you're
103:06 any shortcuts to being impressive you're going to be truly impressive does that
103:09 going to be truly impressive does that make sense yeah I guess yeah but here's
103:12 make sense yeah I guess yeah but here's the subtle thing it's still it's still
103:14 the subtle thing it's still it's still there the Panic is still there you know
103:16 there the Panic is still there you know why because you still give a [ __ ] about
103:18 why because you still give a [ __ ] about being impressive
103:21 being impressive mhm right it's authentic impressive Rive
103:23 mhm right it's authentic impressive Rive sure enough but it's still important to
103:25 sure enough but it's still important to be
103:26 be impressive and as long as that thing is
103:30 impressive and as long as that thing is there like the panic and that that's all
103:32 there like the panic and that that's all the same thing MH it's 100% true and I I
103:35 the same thing MH it's 100% true and I I had an author on my podcast who wrote a
103:37 had an author on my podcast who wrote a book called status and that's when I had
103:39 book called status and that's when I had this like brain wobble in my head
103:41 this like brain wobble in my head because you know I said I used to wear
103:42 because you know I said I used to wear Louis Vuitton before I was 25 I thought
103:44 Louis Vuitton before I was 25 I thought that's when I gave up giving a [ __ ]
103:46 that's when I gave up giving a [ __ ] about like status and impression and
103:47 about like status and impression and then he was like no if you think about
103:49 then he was like no if you think about billionaires they just end up playing a
103:50 billionaires they just end up playing a different status game the logos get
103:53 different status game the logos get smaller because now Louis Vuitton would
103:54 smaller because now Louis Vuitton would make me look like an like an idiot it
103:56 make me look like an like an idiot it would actually be it would actually
103:57 would actually be it would actually lower your status they just they start
103:59 lower your status they just they start playing games about boats like how big
104:00 playing games about boats like how big is my boat but they're still playing the
104:02 is my boat but they're still playing the same game and when he said that I
104:03 same game and when he said that I thought you [ __ ] hell of course I'm
104:04 thought you [ __ ] hell of course I'm still playing the same old games in
104:06 still playing the same old games in different ways yeah yeah so so I think
104:08 different ways yeah yeah so so I think you there's a lot of authenticity and
104:10 you there's a lot of authenticity and goodness here so this is exactly how
104:11 goodness here so this is exactly how trauma Works where like we build
104:13 trauma Works where like we build something that is good here's the key
104:15 something that is good here's the key thing to understand that yoga teaches
104:17 thing to understand that yoga teaches us no amount of fixing your life will
104:21 us no amount of fixing your life will make that kid go
104:24 make that kid go away right so like when I work with
104:26 away right so like when I work with people who are I see you smiling so like
104:28 people who are I see you smiling so like when I work with people who've been
104:30 when I work with people who've been traumatized they will build amazing
104:32 traumatized they will build amazing lives but they still carry that kid with
104:36 lives but they still carry that kid with them and the kid will come out at times
104:39 them and the kid will come out at times there'll be particular times where if
104:41 there'll be particular times where if I'm a little bit like if I like treat
104:43 I'm a little bit like if I like treat you in the wrong way like you'll notice
104:45 you in the wrong way like you'll notice that you feel like that kid again when
104:46 that you feel like that kid again when you're Idol you feel like that kid again
104:49 you're Idol you feel like that kid again so that psychological those that
104:51 so that psychological those that neuronal wiring is there
104:53 neuronal wiring is there so you can build all this wonderful
104:55 so you can build all this wonderful stuff and there's authenticity it's not
104:57 stuff and there's authenticity it's not like you're faking it this is a really
104:58 like you're faking it this is a really common misconception are you faking no
105:00 common misconception are you faking no you're genuinely confident you're
105:01 you're genuinely confident you're genuinely authentic you can't fake it
105:03 genuinely authentic you can't fake it and get to where you are and at the same
105:05 and get to where you are and at the same time the wounds that we experience leave
105:08 time the wounds that we experience leave scars yeah 100% And the real way to heal
105:12 scars yeah 100% And the real way to heal is to go back to that moment and like
105:15 is to go back to that moment and like deal with that kid right you have to
105:17 deal with that kid right you have to dismantle the world viw that you have
105:19 dismantle the world viw that you have which is how you heal trauma is when we
105:22 which is how you heal trauma is when we get traumatized we adapt in order to
105:25 get traumatized we adapt in order to come out of this situation I need to
105:28 come out of this situation I need to learn this particular thing so some kids
105:30 learn this particular thing so some kids that I've worked with adapt by becoming
105:32 that I've worked with adapt by becoming invisible I that's what I did I got
105:34 invisible I that's what I did I got bullied a lot so what do I do I learn
105:36 bullied a lot so what do I do I learn how to be
105:37 how to be invisible some people adapt by being
105:40 invisible some people adapt by being successful so if I'm successful it's an
105:42 successful so if I'm successful it's an antidote to my shame I don't have to be
105:44 antidote to my shame I don't have to be ashamed anymore if I'm successful but
105:47 ashamed anymore if I'm successful but that old injury is still there yeah and
105:50 that old injury is still there yeah and this is why it's so complex because what
105:53 this is why it's so complex because what you've just said is so unbelievably true
105:54 you've just said is so unbelievably true but it's where the misconception happens
105:56 but it's where the misconception happens because I don't go home and I'm not like
105:59 because I don't go home and I'm not like insecure or I'm not unconfident like I'm
106:01 insecure or I'm not unconfident like I'm I think like when I'm on my own I'm very
106:04 I think like when I'm on my own I'm very very okay with Who I Am with myself I'm
106:06 very okay with Who I Am with myself I'm very very like I feel like the guy that
106:10 very very like I feel like the guy that you experience on camera is very close
106:12 you experience on camera is very close to who I am when I'm in the hotel room
106:14 to who I am when I'm in the hotel room alone at night however it doesn't mean
106:18 alone at night however it doesn't mean that I still don't have those like
106:19 that I still don't have those like childhood bruises and that they can't be
106:22 childhood bruises and that they can't be pressed by various things and so it's
106:24 pressed by various things and so it's this sort of this s because you know
106:27 this sort of this s because you know when we say these words like insecurity
106:29 when we say these words like insecurity and shame you think you'd think that
106:31 and shame you think you'd think that like I walk into the The Green Room over
106:34 like I walk into the The Green Room over there and I'm like oh that's not it's
106:36 there and I'm like oh that's not it's not my life but when I where I know that
106:39 not my life but when I where I know that there's still something there is I go
106:42 there's still something there is I go how that why are you still driving like
106:46 how that why are you still driving like this exactly when you are so well aware
106:47 this exactly when you are so well aware that it will not lead to any more
106:49 that it will not lead to any more happiness in any in any context like I'm
106:51 happiness in any in any context like I'm so logically aware
106:53 so logically aware that becoming more will not have any
106:56 that becoming more will not have any impact on the things that matter yet
106:59 impact on the things that matter yet here I am still building businesses and
107:02 here I am still building businesses and you know and this is the constant thing
107:03 you know and this is the constant thing I I battle with so I go okay well there
107:05 I I battle with so I go okay well there must be a force that you're consciously
107:06 must be a force that you're consciously unaware of that's making you go go on
107:09 unaware of that's making you go go on and go on exactly yeah right so let's
107:13 and go on exactly yeah right so let's understand a couple things beautiful
107:14 understand a couple things beautiful beautiful beautiful Stephen beautiful so
107:16 beautiful beautiful Stephen beautiful so a couple of things to understand we
107:17 a couple of things to understand we think about healing as a as one Spectrum
107:21 think about healing as a as one Spectrum right so if I'm at negative 100 I can't
107:23 right so if I'm at negative 100 I can't also be at positive 100 those two things
107:25 also be at positive 100 those two things cancel out that's not how it works so if
107:28 cancel out that's not how it works so if I give you a glass of water and then I
107:30 I give you a glass of water and then I piss in it and then I add sugar it
107:32 piss in it and then I add sugar it doesn't remove the piss these are both
107:34 doesn't remove the piss these are both independent things this is what tends to
107:37 independent things this is what tends to happen this is what we don't understand
107:38 happen this is what we don't understand about trauma you removing the piss
107:40 about trauma you removing the piss requires removing the piss no amount of
107:42 requires removing the piss no amount of sugar will take it out of the drink okay
107:45 sugar will take it out of the drink okay so no amount of this is mistake number
107:47 so no amount of this is mistake number one no amount of building something good
107:50 one no amount of building something good will remove something bad
107:53 will remove something bad okay so healing and it's also like you
107:55 okay so healing and it's also like you know if I break a leg no amount of bench
107:58 know if I break a leg no amount of bench press will heal my leg like I can build
108:00 press will heal my leg like I can build as much as I want to I can fix my hair I
108:02 as much as I want to I can fix my hair I can brush my teeth but the Le is broken
108:04 can brush my teeth but the Le is broken the leg is broken same is true of the
108:05 the leg is broken same is true of the mind okay second thing is what happens
108:11 mind okay second thing is what happens is we have like our Consciousness is
108:13 is we have like our Consciousness is divided now we're going to get kind of
108:14 divided now we're going to get kind of Technical and off the rails so we have
108:16 Technical and off the rails so we have all of these like dormant pieces of our
108:18 all of these like dormant pieces of our Consciousness that activate in certain
108:21 Consciousness that activate in certain situations and all you have to do is pay
108:23 situations and all you have to do is pay attention to yourself in a 5minute
108:26 attention to yourself in a 5minute period and you'll see this so when I
108:27 period and you'll see this so when I walk into a bathroom that I've never
108:29 walk into a bathroom that I've never used
108:30 used before then I start thinking about okay
108:33 before then I start thinking about okay where's the flush where's the toilet how
108:34 where's the flush where's the toilet how do I use this toilet you know so like
108:36 do I use this toilet you know so like I'll activate dormant information all
108:38 I'll activate dormant information all the time so if someone asks me what's
108:41 the time so if someone asks me what's you know the quadratic equation that
108:43 you know the quadratic equation that information is there and dormant in my
108:45 information is there and dormant in my mind and it gets activated so one of the
108:47 mind and it gets activated so one of the biggest mistakes we make about healing
108:49 biggest mistakes we make about healing is we look at what is active in our mind
108:52 is we look at what is active in our mind 90% of the time and we assume that the
108:54 90% of the time and we assume that the injury is no longer there that's not the
108:55 injury is no longer there that's not the case does that make sense 100% right so
108:57 case does that make sense 100% right so the the injury just goes dormant then
109:00 the the injury just goes dormant then there are certain things that happen
109:02 there are certain things that happen that can trigger that injury that's what
109:04 that can trigger that injury that's what we call triggers right so if I'm
109:06 we call triggers right so if I'm traumatized if we look at like PTSD and
109:08 traumatized if we look at like PTSD and I'm I've been traumatized by you know a
109:11 I'm I've been traumatized by you know a a bomb going off literally my brain has
109:14 a bomb going off literally my brain has certain circuits that scans my
109:16 certain circuits that scans my perceptual environment and decides what
109:19 perceptual environment and decides what to activate so there are ways Stillness
109:23 to activate so there are ways Stillness makes you feel small and [ __ ] you if
109:26 makes you feel small and [ __ ] you if you're ever going to be small again
109:28 you're ever going to be small again never again never again never again I
109:30 never again never again never again I would bet money that if you sit by
109:32 would bet money that if you sit by yourself and you're not occupied right
109:34 yourself and you're not occupied right that's why you have to watch crime shows
109:36 that's why you have to watch crime shows because if you don't watch crime shows
109:38 because if you don't watch crime shows you're going to be still and if you're
109:40 you're going to be still and if you're still that's
109:42 still that's unacceptable okay so dormant things have
109:46 unacceptable okay so dormant things have to be healed where they belong you don't
109:47 to be healed where they belong you don't need to worry by the way it's in your
109:49 need to worry by the way it's in your karma it's going to get healed and it's
109:50 karma it's going to get healed and it's coming yeah I was laughing cuz it's so
109:52 coming yeah I was laughing cuz it's so true yeah just laughing at the fact that
109:54 true yeah just laughing at the fact that I when I go to Bary I end up that's like
109:56 I when I go to Bary I end up that's like where I end up writing a book and I'm
109:58 where I end up writing a book and I'm like and and people would kill for that
110:00 like and and people would kill for that right so many people out there are like
110:02 right so many people out there are like oh man I would love to be you no you
110:04 oh man I would love to be you no you guys don't want to be stepen I know you
110:05 guys don't want to be stepen I know you think you do this is the crazy thing we
110:08 think you do this is the crazy thing we each as human beings have our own
110:10 each as human beings have our own journey and are you privileged and
110:12 journey and are you privileged and should you be grateful and should people
110:13 should you be grateful and should people aspire to be you absolutely but they
110:15 aspire to be you absolutely but they don't want to be you like your own
110:17 don't want to be you like your own problems are enough they don't need
110:18 problems are enough they don't need yours too amen so now the question is
110:22 yours too amen so now the question is how do we heal so I think the problem is
110:24 how do we heal so I think the problem is like no amount of fixing things over
110:26 like no amount of fixing things over there is going to go back to this and
110:27 there is going to go back to this and this is where I we can look at the
110:29 this is where I we can look at the science of of of healing trauma so here
110:33 science of of of healing trauma so here are the steps first thing is safety so
110:35 are the steps first thing is safety so that we can get neuroplasticity second
110:38 that we can get neuroplasticity second thing is emotional awareness and
110:39 thing is emotional awareness and emotional regulation and this allows us
110:42 emotional regulation and this allows us for number three which is really
110:43 for number three which is really important which is identity so if we
110:46 important which is identity so if we look at our human sense of identity how
110:48 look at our human sense of identity how do you develop an identity so if I were
110:50 do you develop an identity so if I were to ask you in three senten is Steven who
110:53 to ask you in three senten is Steven who are
110:54 are you my identity yeah tell me who who's
110:57 you my identity yeah tell me who who's stepen to myself or just to the world or
110:59 stepen to myself or just to the world or is that the same tell me about who's
111:00 is that the same tell me about who's Stephen I I'm an entrepreneur I am
111:05 Stephen I I'm an entrepreneur I am a I guess I'm a podcaster now
111:08 a I guess I'm a podcaster now um and I
111:11 um and I am going to say a Manchester United fan
111:14 am going to say a Manchester United fan okay so I think those are three features
111:16 okay so I think those are three features right so I've I've read your bio so the
111:19 right so I've I've read your bio so the other thing that you tend to do in your
111:20 other thing that you tend to do in your bio is there's a narrative right you
111:22 bio is there's a narrative right you were a College Dropout yeah um you
111:25 were a College Dropout yeah um you started a company yeah right you talked
111:27 started a company yeah right you talked about this Louis Vuitton bag phase and
111:30 about this Louis Vuitton bag phase and then there's the post Louis Vuitton bag
111:32 then there's the post Louis Vuitton bag phase yeah and even before we had this
111:34 phase yeah and even before we had this podcast you were talking to me about the
111:35 podcast you were talking to me about the phases of your life yeah so identity re
111:39 phases of your life yeah so identity re requires a timeline okay now the
111:41 requires a timeline okay now the interesting thing is if we look at the
111:43 interesting thing is if we look at the formative moments of your life they all
111:45 formative moments of your life they all have
111:46 have emotion so this is what's really
111:49 emotion so this is what's really important if you have an identity
111:52 important if you have an identity that is bad in any way you can never
111:55 that is bad in any way you can never change that identity without
111:57 change that identity without emotions so what what happen so my like
112:00 emotions so what what happen so my like when I tell my story it's like I was a
112:02 when I tell my story it's like I was a kid 9 years old I got put on these
112:05 kid 9 years old I got put on these expectations dropped out of college went
112:07 expectations dropped out of college went to become a monk went to medical school
112:09 to become a monk went to medical school became a doctor now I started this whole
112:11 became a doctor now I started this whole helping random people on the internet
112:13 helping random people on the internet thing so each of those were emotional
112:15 thing so each of those were emotional experiences so who we are is a narrative
112:19 experiences so who we are is a narrative of our most emotional experiences and we
112:22 of our most emotional experiences and we see this in all of our like superhero
112:24 see this in all of our like superhero movies right Batman had this tragic
112:27 movies right Batman had this tragic experience where his parents were shot
112:28 experience where his parents were shot by The Joker and then he became
112:30 by The Joker and then he became something right there all all these
112:32 something right there all all these moments these powerful emotional moments
112:34 moments these powerful emotional moments so if your emotions are dulled by drugs
112:36 so if your emotions are dulled by drugs by technology by pornography by watching
112:39 by technology by pornography by watching serial killer shows you will never
112:41 serial killer shows you will never change who you are it is impossible the
112:43 change who you are it is impossible the Neuroscience of your identity
112:45 Neuroscience of your identity development requires emotional
112:47 development requires emotional experience okay so with trauma that's
112:50 experience okay so with trauma that's the next thing that happens once we have
112:52 the next thing that happens once we have access to emotions then we can become
112:54 access to emotions then we can become someone
112:56 someone else now the problem with trauma is that
112:58 else now the problem with trauma is that before we become someone else the
113:00 before we become someone else the beliefs we have about
113:02 beliefs we have about ourselves become our destiny so if I
113:06 ourselves become our destiny so if I think to myself I'm a loser so I I when
113:08 think to myself I'm a loser so I I when I was interviewing for
113:10 I was interviewing for residency I went to an interview
113:12 residency I went to an interview somewhere on the west coast and the
113:14 somewhere on the west coast and the director of the program called me and at
113:16 director of the program called me and at the end of the interview and they're
113:17 the end of the interview and they're like we don't understand why you're here
113:19 like we don't understand why you're here and I was like what do you mean you
113:20 and I was like what do you mean you don't understand why I'm here and
113:21 don't understand why I'm here and they're like your application is really
113:22 they're like your application is really good you could end up at any program in
113:26 good you could end up at any program in the country like why did you pick us and
113:30 the country like why did you pick us and like I was like I picked y'all because I
113:32 like I was like I picked y'all because I liked the way that your hospital works
113:34 liked the way that your hospital works and I like that the city it's in and I'm
113:36 and I like that the city it's in and I'm super into compliment all like what what
113:38 super into compliment all like what what do you mean why am I here right but the
113:41 do you mean why am I here right but the way that he approached it with a lack of
113:42 way that he approached it with a lack of confidence he's like our program sucks
113:44 confidence he's like our program sucks and they had some problems at the
113:46 and they had some problems at the program at the time so kind of makes
113:47 program at the time so kind of makes sense but this becomes a self-fulfilling
113:49 sense but this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy if I go into a job interview
113:52 prophecy if I go into a job interview and I feel a lack of confidence if I
113:54 and I feel a lack of confidence if I believe I'm a loser then I'm not going
113:56 believe I'm a loser then I'm not going to get the job you used to go to clubs
113:58 to get the job you used to go to clubs and buy bottles of Champagnes and
114:00 and buy bottles of Champagnes and thought that you were a loser didn't end
114:02 thought that you were a loser didn't end up where you wanted to go so this is
114:04 up where you wanted to go so this is what a lot of people don't understand
114:05 what a lot of people don't understand everyone's focused on productivity but
114:08 everyone's focused on productivity but the single most important thing that
114:10 the single most important thing that will determine your future is your sense
114:12 will determine your future is your sense of who you are and that's not like some
114:14 of who you are and that's not like some oh spiritual get connected with this is
114:17 oh spiritual get connected with this is like [ __ ] science right if you
114:19 like [ __ ] science right if you believe you are a loser the empathic CS
114:22 believe you are a loser the empathic CS of other people's brains will detect
114:24 of other people's brains will detect that in you and they will treat you like
114:26 that in you and they will treat you like a loser you carry who you are with you
114:30 a loser you carry who you are with you that's why you get into failed
114:31 that's why you get into failed relationship number one failed
114:33 relationship number one failed relationship number two failed
114:34 relationship number two failed relationship number three until you
114:37 relationship number three until you changed and when you change your sense
114:39 changed and when you change your sense of identity changes then your future
114:42 of identity changes then your future will change the last thing to do is on a
114:46 will change the last thing to do is on a more microscopic level look at these
114:49 more microscopic level look at these responses within yourself so you asked
114:51 responses within yourself so you asked me at the very beginning of the podcast
114:53 me at the very beginning of the podcast and now we're coming full circle how do
114:55 and now we're coming full circle how do you start understanding yourself so you
114:57 you start understanding yourself so you look at the drives within yourself right
115:00 look at the drives within yourself right why can't I sit still and this is going
115:02 why can't I sit still and this is going to be so hard for you because if I told
115:05 to be so hard for you because if I told you this is hilarious if I told you
115:08 you this is hilarious if I told you Stephen if you want to heal your trauma
115:10 Stephen if you want to heal your trauma you need to go to ball you need to sit
115:11 you need to go to ball you need to sit on a beach and you need to do nothing
115:13 on a beach and you need to do nothing you will still turn that into growth and
115:15 you will still turn that into growth and progress because what you'll say is oh
115:17 progress because what you'll say is oh this is what Dr K told me to heal my
115:19 this is what Dr K told me to heal my trauma so now I'm doing even more
115:21 trauma so now I'm doing even more important work than a podcast for 10
115:24 important work than a podcast for 10 million people on the internet now I'm
115:25 million people on the internet now I'm doing the healing of my trauma which is
115:27 doing the healing of my trauma which is the goal and you're still running away
115:29 the goal and you're still running away from yourself there's no way you can run
115:31 from yourself there's no way you can run away from it your mind will transform
115:34 away from it your mind will transform the very thing that you do into the
115:37 the very thing that you do into the problem and that's what trauma
115:43 does I'll give you a chance to respond because I've been I'm waiting for the
115:45 because I've been I'm waiting for the solution Dr K yeah so I mean I in your
115:48 solution Dr K yeah so I mean I in your case I I think it's like sit just sit
115:51 case I I think it's like sit just sit and you have to be careful because if
115:53 and you have to be careful because if your mind turns the sitting into a goal
115:56 your mind turns the sitting into a goal that I have to achieve oh I need to sit
115:58 that I have to achieve oh I need to sit and that will be my growth no no [ __ ]
116:00 and that will be my growth no no [ __ ] goal just sit waste your time what you
116:03 goal just sit waste your time what you need to learn how to do is waste your
116:04 need to learn how to do is waste your time do nothing sit be with yourself and
116:09 time do nothing sit be with yourself and watch out for that mind the second thing
116:11 watch out for that mind the second thing is awareness okay so as you sit you will
116:14 is awareness okay so as you sit you will notice all of these things come up so
116:16 notice all of these things come up so this is like you wanted to you asked me
116:19 this is like you wanted to you asked me a question at the beginning how do you
116:20 a question at the beginning how do you start so what I would say is sit for 5
116:23 start so what I would say is sit for 5 minutes 15 minutes sometimes we'll tell
116:25 minutes 15 minutes sometimes we'll tell people to stare at a wall for an
116:27 people to stare at a wall for an hour and just look at what on Earth goes
116:30 hour and just look at what on Earth goes on inside you you will discover that it
116:33 on inside you you will discover that it is a zoo of thoughts feelings emotions
116:39 is a zoo of thoughts feelings emotions drives panics worries distractions your
116:43 drives panics worries distractions your internal environment is such a mess so
116:46 internal environment is such a mess so what we need to do is just kind of calm
116:48 what we need to do is just kind of calm that stuff down by like just letting it
116:50 that stuff down by like just letting it kind of run out of steam so this this is
116:52 kind of run out of steam so this this is a principle of the mind that if we in if
116:54 a principle of the mind that if we in if we feed our mind it'll continue to grow
116:57 we feed our mind it'll continue to grow but like what we need to do is just let
116:58 but like what we need to do is just let it run out of steam so just sit and do
116:59 it run out of steam so just sit and do nothing for a while people don't
117:03 nothing for a while people don't realize the part of our brain that
117:06 realize the part of our brain that exerts willpower has something to do
117:08 exerts willpower has something to do with this part of our brain called the
117:09 with this part of our brain called the anterior singulate cortex the anterior
117:12 anterior singulate cortex the anterior singulate cortex is a piece of where
117:15 singulate cortex is a piece of where willpower comes from but it is also the
117:17 willpower comes from but it is also the part of our brain that monitors
117:20 part of our brain that monitors conflict so will hour and monitoring a
117:23 conflict so will hour and monitoring a conflict are actually technically the
117:26 conflict are actually technically the same thing the same part of the brain
117:28 same thing the same part of the brain activates and if you guys if you pay
117:31 activates and if you guys if you pay attention to your own internal
117:32 attention to your own internal experience what you'll realize is
117:34 experience what you'll realize is anytime you're using willpower there's
117:38 anytime you're using willpower there's an internal struggle that you are paying
117:40 an internal struggle that you are paying attention to it's like I don't want to
117:43 attention to it's like I don't want to order chicken I want to order Fried
117:45 order chicken I want to order Fried Chicken so there's a monitoring of the
117:47 Chicken so there's a monitoring of the conflict that goes on that's anytime
117:49 conflict that goes on that's anytime you're exerting willpower there's this
117:50 you're exerting willpower there's this thing this way and this thing this way
117:52 thing this way and this thing this way but you are aware of it you can't exert
117:54 but you are aware of it you can't exert willpower if you're behaving
117:56 willpower if you're behaving automatically right that's why it's so
117:57 automatically right that's why it's so easy to get lost in Doom scrolling
117:59 easy to get lost in Doom scrolling because you're not even aware of what
118:01 because you're not even aware of what you're doing before and then four hours
118:02 you're doing before and then four hours have gone by and you're like what what
118:04 have gone by and you're like what what happened you're not aware so this is the
118:06 happened you're not aware so this is the crazy thing from a neuroscientific
118:08 crazy thing from a neuroscientific perspective and this is what the yogis
118:09 perspective and this is what the yogis will teach as well awareness is
118:12 will teach as well awareness is willpower awareness is self-control and
118:16 willpower awareness is self-control and I've worked with tons of addicts they
118:19 I've worked with tons of addicts they come up for air and maybe you've done
118:21 come up for air and maybe you've done this and maybe people at home have done
118:22 this and maybe people at home have done this you go on this binge and then you
118:24 this you go on this binge and then you come up for air and you're like what
118:25 come up for air and you're like what have I been doing for a couple of days
118:27 have I been doing for a couple of days what I've been doing for a couple of
118:28 what I've been doing for a couple of hours then you gain that awareness again
118:32 hours then you gain that awareness again so the more that you are aware in the
118:34 so the more that you are aware in the present moment the more your problems
118:36 present moment the more your problems will literally melt away it's like crazy
118:40 will literally melt away it's like crazy I don't quite know how it works but this
118:42 I don't quite know how it works but this is what yoga teaches you that as you
118:44 is what yoga teaches you that as you were aware as you were aware as you were
118:46 were aware as you were aware as you were aware you stop rejecting things you
118:47 aware you stop rejecting things you start accepting things you focus on the
118:49 start accepting things you focus on the present all the stuff that everyone
118:51 present all the stuff that everyone talks about is actually rooted in
118:53 talks about is actually rooted in awareness and we live in a society where
118:55 awareness and we live in a society where I say if I say you don't need habits you
118:57 I say if I say you don't need habits you don't need willpower you don't need
118:59 don't need willpower you don't need discipline all you need is awareness
119:01 discipline all you need is awareness people will reject me that doesn't mean
119:03 people will reject me that doesn't mean it isn't true and the more that you
119:06 it isn't true and the more that you explore awareness the more you will
119:09 explore awareness the more you will realize like I used to think it was like
119:10 realize like I used to think it was like 50/50 I'm now at like 90% of the problem
119:13 50/50 I'm now at like 90% of the problem is
119:14 is awareness I know it's weird no but does
119:17 awareness I know it's weird no but does that because we tend to look
119:19 that because we tend to look for solutions that involve
119:22 for solutions that involve action like you know buy that thing make
119:26 action like you know buy that thing make that list go to that meeting watch that
119:28 that list go to that meeting watch that thing it's all about action action
119:30 thing it's all about action action action as a solution to our problems so
119:32 action as a solution to our problems so I was expecting you to tell me that the
119:33 I was expecting you to tell me that the solution to everything we've discussed
119:35 solution to everything we've discussed here is like the seven-step process of
119:37 here is like the seven-step process of like write this thing down say this
119:40 like write this thing down say this thing and you know okay so let's let's
119:42 thing and you know okay so let's let's understand this okay you work really
119:45 understand this okay you work really hard
119:46 hard Stephen is it hard to work
119:55 hard for me yeah no okay so now we have to understand why is it not hard for you
119:57 to understand why is it not hard for you to work
120:03 hard it's why is it not hard for me to work hard because it feels good to work
120:06 work hard because it feels good to work hard absolutely so your problem see this
120:09 hard absolutely so your problem see this is the whole problem that everyone makes
120:11 is the whole problem that everyone makes so Stephen you started a company
120:14 so Stephen you started a company when uh first one was very young but we
120:17 when uh first one was very young but we won't count that because I didn't
120:17 won't count that because I didn't register the company so the first one
120:19 register the company so the first one that was registered would have been when
120:20 that was registered would have been when I was 18 okay and you've started how
120:24 I was 18 okay and you've started how many companies or been involved in how
120:25 many companies or been involved in how many companies 10 10 20 yeah and made
120:28 many companies 10 10 20 yeah and made like millions and millions of dollars
120:30 like millions and millions of dollars and stuff yeah right started a podcast
120:32 and stuff yeah right started a podcast you've got how many millions of
120:34 you've got how many millions of subscribers now um across the platforms
120:37 subscribers now um across the platforms maybe 10 million okay cool right so like
120:39 maybe 10 million okay cool right so like this is a lot of work and everyone's
120:42 this is a lot of work and everyone's like oh my God I want to be like Stephen
120:44 like oh my God I want to be like Stephen but the whole thing is it's not hard for
120:47 but the whole thing is it's not hard for you it's hard for you to not do it
120:52 you it's hard for you to not do it so this is what I'm saying you don't
120:54 so this is what I'm saying you don't need to focus on the action it's the
120:56 need to focus on the action it's the internal thing that drives you like a
120:59 internal thing that drives you like a [ __ ]
121:00 [ __ ] slave that is responsible for your
121:03 slave that is responsible for your success if someone else wants a fraction
121:06 success if someone else wants a fraction of what you have 10% of what you have
121:08 of what you have 10% of what you have they don't need to duplicate your
121:10 they don't need to duplicate your actions they need to duplicate what's
121:11 actions they need to duplicate what's going on on the inside this is exactly
121:14 going on on the inside this is exactly my point they need your toxic
121:17 my point they need your toxic fuel yeah toxic fuel is on the path to
121:21 fuel yeah toxic fuel is on the path to happiness
121:27 right can be yeah I mean cuz you're doing pretty well do you
121:30 mean cuz you're doing pretty well do you know what though I this is maybe I don't
121:31 know what though I this is maybe I don't know how this throws a spanner in the
121:33 know how this throws a spanner in the works of this but I've never felt
121:36 works of this but I've never felt unhappy and and I've always struggled
121:38 unhappy and and I've always struggled when I I say used to say to people and
121:40 when I I say used to say to people and because time is past now it's sometimes
121:42 because time is past now it's sometimes hard to know how you felt in the past
121:44 hard to know how you felt in the past but I say to people that when I was 18
121:46 but I say to people that when I was 18 years old and I had just dropped out a
121:47 years old and I had just dropped out a university and I was starting this first
121:48 university and I was starting this first business and my parents W speaking to me
121:49 business and my parents W speaking to me I was poor and all these things I was
121:50 I was poor and all these things I was shoplifting food I was as happy then as
121:53 shoplifting food I was as happy then as I am now and like when I say that to
121:57 I am now and like when I say that to people I know it sounds like like
121:59 people I know it sounds like like motivational [ __ ] or something but
122:01 motivational [ __ ] or something but in that moment I had Forward Motion I
122:03 in that moment I had Forward Motion I was excited about life I thought that I
122:06 was excited about life I thought that I was all everything that in my objective
122:07 was all everything that in my objective reality was just the stepping stone to
122:09 reality was just the stepping stone to becoming and I so I was so excited I was
122:13 becoming and I so I was so excited I was so happy about life and I feel the same
122:14 so happy about life and I feel the same now yeah so despite everything we've
122:17 now yeah so despite everything we've discussed
122:20 discussed um I feel happy when I'm alone I'm happy
122:23 um I feel happy when I'm alone I'm happy yeah and I and you know that's um yeah
122:27 yeah and I and you know that's um yeah great so so I think that makes a lot of
122:29 great so so I think that makes a lot of sense or bullshitting but I no no you're
122:30 sense or bullshitting but I no no you're not [ __ ] I think I'm double guessing
122:33 not [ __ ] I think I'm double guessing myself no you're not bullshitting so
122:34 myself no you're not bullshitting so let's understand the subtlety here so
122:36 let's understand the subtlety here so the stages of unhappiness to happiness
122:39 the stages of unhappiness to happiness there's unhappy in all situations
122:41 there's unhappy in all situations unhappy in some situations happy in some
122:44 unhappy in some situations happy in some situations happy in most situations and
122:46 situations happy in most situations and then MOA Enlightenment MTI is happiness
122:50 then MOA Enlightenment MTI is happiness in all situations happiness that is
122:52 in all situations happiness that is completely independent of your
122:54 completely independent of your circumstances that's the stage that
122:56 circumstances that's the stage that you're at because we can make you
122:57 you're at because we can make you unhappy very very easily yeah that's
122:59 unhappy very very easily yeah that's true right yeah so so and it kind of
123:02 true right yeah so so and it kind of makes sense this is what happens is we
123:04 makes sense this is what happens is we start to craft a life that makes us
123:07 start to craft a life that makes us happy that's the first step totally good
123:11 happy that's the first step totally good but then what happens is that we are
123:13 but then what happens is that we are still dependent on the external life for
123:16 still dependent on the external life for our happiness and that will never work
123:19 our happiness and that will never work 100% so what's this MTA you mentioned is
123:22 100% so what's this MTA you mentioned is Moka Enlightenment Nirvana All same
123:24 Moka Enlightenment Nirvana All same thing how do we get
123:26 thing how do we get that uh how do you get there or someone
123:29 that uh how do you get there or someone else are you there no how how do I get
123:33 else are you there no how how do I get there how does anyone get there
123:36 there how does anyone get there you sit by yourself and don't do
123:40 you sit by yourself and don't do anything for how
123:47 long no can't ask that question so the moment that you ask that
123:50 question so the moment that you ask that question there's a goal there's a future
123:52 question there's a goal there's a future Dimension there's an objective you have
123:54 Dimension there's an objective you have to exist without an objective and
123:56 to exist without an objective and that'll move you in the right
124:03 direction just be for no reason for no purpose recognize that all of this stuff
124:06 purpose recognize that all of this stuff this is going to get kind of weird no
124:08 this is going to get kind of weird no matter what you do in the world you're
124:10 matter what you do in the world you're still existing right so you just need
124:13 still existing right so you just need you need to remove all of the stuff and
124:16 you need to remove all of the stuff and just
124:18 just exist that's what Moka is pure
124:22 exist that's what Moka is pure existence without attachment without
124:25 existence without attachment without feeling without thought without goal
124:27 feeling without thought without goal just being and the crazy thing is we're
124:29 just being and the crazy thing is we're all doing this all the time we're all
124:31 all doing this all the time we're all existing all the
124:33 existing all the time I hear this loud voice from all the
124:37 time I hear this loud voice from all the high performing individuals that listen
124:38 high performing individuals that listen to my show shouting and it's also coming
124:40 to my show shouting and it's also coming from my brain as well which is Dr K if I
124:43 from my brain as well which is Dr K if I take this advice and if I just sit how
124:46 take this advice and if I just sit how am I going to pay the bills and won't
124:48 am I going to pay the bills and won't that cost me my motivation and if it
124:49 that cost me my motivation and if it cost me my motivation then it will cost
124:51 cost me my motivation then it will cost me my my purpose this art business I've
124:53 me my my purpose this art business I've started this cupcake shop I'm running
124:55 started this cupcake shop I'm running that's giving me so much excitement in
124:57 that's giving me so much excitement in my life when I lose my motivation if I
124:59 my life when I lose my motivation if I just sit yes and no so the first thing
125:01 just sit yes and no so the first thing we have to understand is yes so someone
125:04 we have to understand is yes so someone who's enlightened is not compatible with
125:06 who's enlightened is not compatible with a regular life in some ways so let's
125:09 a regular life in some ways so let's understand that like that's what
125:10 understand that like that's what happened to Buddha he was a king he was
125:12 happened to Buddha he was a king he was married he had a kid was loved was
125:14 married he had a kid was loved was powerful and was like I'm done is that
125:16 powerful and was like I'm done is that Buddha how we pronounce it incorrectly
125:18 Buddha how we pronounce it incorrectly Buddha Buddha same thing okay yeah goam
125:21 Buddha Buddha same thing okay yeah goam Buddha
125:22 Buddha right so in a sense it is incompatible
125:25 right so in a sense it is incompatible with life the second thing is that once
125:28 with life the second thing is that once see you have a motivation right but once
125:31 see you have a motivation right but once you exist in the world and you are just
125:34 you exist in the world and you are just being without anything you'll still act
125:36 being without anything you'll still act in fact acting will become even easier
125:40 in fact acting will become even easier and that's hard to understand because we
125:41 and that's hard to understand because we are so used to toxic fuel that we it's
125:45 are so used to toxic fuel that we it's kind of
125:46 kind of like so if you have kids one day you'll
125:49 like so if you have kids one day you'll understand this I can the best I can do
125:50 understand this I can the best I can do is an analogy
125:52 is an analogy so when a kid comes up to
125:55 so when a kid comes up to you and is crying because oh like my you
125:59 you and is crying because oh like my you know my doll has has gotten wet okay and
126:02 know my doll has has gotten wet okay and the kid comes up to you there's no like
126:04 the kid comes up to you there's no like goal that you have in your life and
126:06 goal that you have in your life and you're not like trying to be a good dad
126:08 you're not like trying to be a good dad like you're I don't know if that makes
126:10 like you're I don't know if that makes sense like when a kid when your kid
126:11 sense like when a kid when your kid walks up to you and they're upset about
126:12 walks up to you and they're upset about something that's irrelevant you just act
126:14 something that's irrelevant you just act in response to what is necessary in the
126:16 in response to what is necessary in the moment you don't get upset you're not
126:18 moment you don't get upset you're not worried about their growth you're not
126:19 worried about their growth you're not worried about traumatizing you just
126:20 worried about traumatizing you just respond does that kind of make sense
126:23 respond does that kind of make sense yeah and so the other thing is like if
126:25 yeah and so the other thing is like if I'm walking down the street and someone
126:26 I'm walking down the street and someone is carrying groceries and I hold the
126:27 is carrying groceries and I hold the door open for them I just respond to the
126:30 door open for them I just respond to the environment so what actually happens the
126:32 environment so what actually happens the closer you get to this state is you can
126:34 closer you get to this state is you can absolutely be productive so what I found
126:37 absolutely be productive so what I found is that the closer I get to the state
126:39 is that the closer I get to the state the more productive I am but now what
126:42 the more productive I am but now what I'm doing is just responding to the
126:44 I'm doing is just responding to the environment around me I'm not driving
126:46 environment around me I'm not driving anywhere I'm not going anywhere I'm just
126:50 anywhere I'm not going anywhere I'm just responding and that beautiful it's
126:52 responding and that beautiful it's liberating there's no goal there's no
126:55 liberating there's no goal there's no falling short of there's no achievement
126:58 falling short of there's no achievement there's just I'm going to do what needs
127:00 there's just I'm going to do what needs to be done in the moment if I'm sitting
127:02 to be done in the moment if I'm sitting in the emergency room and I'm on call
127:03 in the emergency room and I'm on call and a patient walks in the door I'm
127:05 and a patient walks in the door I'm going to take care of the patient if
127:06 going to take care of the patient if they don't walk in the door I'm going to
127:07 they don't walk in the door I'm going to do something else how is that different
127:09 do something else how is that different to reacting because reacting sounds a
127:11 to reacting because reacting sounds a little bit more emotional whereas you're
127:12 little bit more emotional whereas you're saying respond it sounds like emotion
127:14 saying respond it sounds like emotion has been removed from the situation to
127:15 has been removed from the situation to some degree uh so in a sense it is Rea
127:18 some degree uh so in a sense it is Rea I'm responding to the situation but
127:19 I'm responding to the situation but often times when we react emotionally we
127:22 often times when we react emotionally we are carrying something with us from the
127:24 are carrying something with us from the past into the present moment that will
127:26 past into the present moment that will cause you all kinds of problems right so
127:29 cause you all kinds of problems right so if I have infidelity I worked with a
127:31 if I have infidelity I worked with a patient who had a problem with
127:33 patient who had a problem with infidelity and their partner and then
127:35 infidelity and their partner and then when they're dating the next person
127:36 when they're dating the next person their fears of infidelity from the past
127:39 their fears of infidelity from the past be come into the present and then they
127:42 be come into the present and then they react to the situation they don't
127:44 react to the situation they don't actually perfectly respond to the
127:46 actually perfectly respond to the situation they color the situation with
127:48 situation they color the situation with their baggage that's not clean
127:53 their baggage that's not clean responding so like when I am on call and
127:56 responding so like when I am on call and my friend tells me the night before oh
127:58 my friend tells me the night before oh yeah we had zero patients I slept all
127:59 yeah we had zero patients I slept all night and then a patient walks in the
128:01 night and then a patient walks in the door and I think to myself why am I so
128:03 door and I think to myself why am I so unlucky the majority or even arguably
128:06 unlucky the majority or even arguably all of our unhappiness in life is
128:09 all of our unhappiness in life is because of what we carry with
128:11 because of what we carry with us so how do we get to that place where
128:13 us so how do we get to that place where we just
128:15 we just respond so I think it's like we have to
128:17 respond so I think it's like we have to heal that inner child and all that kind
128:18 heal that inner child and all that kind of stuff we have to remove all of our
128:20 of stuff we have to remove all of our past from our mind and then we have to
128:23 past from our mind and then we have to remove all of the future from our mind
128:25 remove all of the future from our mind we have to strive for nothing and just
128:26 we have to strive for nothing and just be what you are just be it's like kind
128:29 be what you are just be it's like kind of hard to understand but you just got
128:31 of hard to understand but you just got to do it there's not like more
128:33 to do it there's not like more methodology is not going to
128:35 methodology is not going to work that's what's so confusing about it
128:38 work that's what's so confusing about it is like you're I'm you're keep on asking
128:41 is like you're I'm you're keep on asking me questions I've already given you the
128:42 me questions I've already given you the answer you just don't like it no no no
128:44 answer you just don't like it no no no no because yeah I'm just uh sometimes
128:46 no because yeah I'm just uh sometimes it's good to hear yeah the same thing
128:48 it's good to hear yeah the same thing again but also also because I know I'm
128:51 again but also also because I know I'm asking these questions in part because I
128:52 asking these questions in part because I know it's obviously The Logical question
128:54 know it's obviously The Logical question that anyone who just heard you say this
128:56 that anyone who just heard you say this Revelation about responding is going to
128:57 Revelation about responding is going to go how yeah so so so what I would say is
128:59 go how yeah so so so what I would say is just sit down yeah and pay attention to
129:02 just sit down yeah and pay attention to yourself that's it that's it I mean you
129:05 yourself that's it that's it I mean you can do all the stuff we've given you
129:06 can do all the stuff we've given you lots of techniques over the course of
129:07 lots of techniques over the course of the last couple hours but like at the
129:09 the last couple hours but like at the end of the day just sit down and explore
129:12 end of the day just sit down and explore yourself be with yourself impulses come
129:15 yourself be with yourself impulses come up and then ask yourself so in a
129:17 up and then ask yourself so in a practical sense you're going to have
129:19 practical sense you're going to have drivers towards things and ask yourself
129:21 drivers towards things and ask yourself why do I feel this way why do I need to
129:23 why do I feel this way why do I need to do this why is this easy for me and why
129:25 do this why is this easy for me and why is this hard for me and the more that
129:27 is this hard for me and the more that you explore that the more you will
129:29 you explore that the more you will understand and then the more neutral you
129:31 understand and then the more neutral you will become and when you're fully
129:33 will become and when you're fully neutral then let me put it to you this
129:36 neutral then let me put it to you this way so if you don't care about what you
129:39 way so if you don't care about what you eat it's not like there's no suffering
129:42 eat it's not like there's no suffering and whatever you get you'll be happy
129:44 and whatever you get you'll be happy with right so it's like our caring that
129:46 with right so it's like our caring that causes the problem so we need to move
129:49 causes the problem so we need to move towards this neutrality and then actions
129:50 towards this neutrality and then actions become easy
129:51 become easy because if I don't care if I'm not
129:53 because if I don't care if I'm not attached to something then I can study
129:55 attached to something then I can study or I can play a video game makes no
129:56 or I can play a video game makes no difference to me oh do you want to watch
129:58 difference to me oh do you want to watch a comedy or a horror movie makes no
129:59 a comedy or a horror movie makes no difference to me then life becomes fun
130:01 difference to me then life becomes fun you can just enjoy everything and
130:02 you can just enjoy everything and there's nothing to worry about and I
130:04 there's nothing to worry about and I think it starts with just being with
130:05 think it starts with just being with yourself and understanding where your
130:08 yourself and understanding where your internal drivers come from because we
130:10 internal drivers come from because we don't get to choose the person that we
130:12 don't get to choose the person that we become our brain makes adaptations every
130:16 become our brain makes adaptations every single day you don't get to edit what
130:19 single day you don't get to edit what you learn does that make sense yeah yeah
130:21 you learn does that make sense yeah yeah so our problem in life is that we have
130:23 so our problem in life is that we have all these learnings we have this
130:25 all these learnings we have this instrument this this thing that has been
130:27 instrument this this thing that has been cobbled together after some crappy
130:30 cobbled together after some crappy experience and another crappy experience
130:31 experience and another crappy experience and some positive experience and you
130:33 and some positive experience and you have this internal schema of how to live
130:35 have this internal schema of how to live the world but it wasn't crafted with any
130:37 the world but it wasn't crafted with any intentionality so the first step is to
130:39 intentionality so the first step is to be aware of like what is this road map
130:42 be aware of like what is this road map looking like what is the blueprint and
130:45 looking like what is the blueprint and the more that you understand this stuff
130:46 the more that you understand this stuff the easier it will
130:48 the easier it will become would you recommend starting your
130:51 become would you recommend starting your day with a little gap for this 100%
130:55 day with a little gap for this 100% awareness practice I think it's
130:56 awareness practice I think it's brilliant my partner does that she
130:58 brilliant my partner does that she spends the first sort of 20 minutes of
131:00 spends the first sort of 20 minutes of the morning she just goes and sits in a
131:01 the morning she just goes and sits in a room by herself and does nothing and I
131:02 room by herself and does nothing and I just look at her and go what a
131:03 just look at her and go what a psychopath yeah right so beginning of
131:06 psychopath yeah right so beginning of your day or end of your day
131:08 your day or end of your day sunset uh
131:10 sunset uh sunrise and you can do a meditative
131:12 sunrise and you can do a meditative practice meditative practices will get
131:14 practice meditative practices will get you here too sometimes that's actually
131:16 you here too sometimes that's actually easier because it gives your mind some
131:18 easier because it gives your mind some kind of goal to move towards I'm going
131:21 kind of goal to move towards I'm going to try this okay I'm going to try this
131:23 to try this okay I'm going to try this and I'm going to text you and let you
131:24 and I'm going to text you and let you know how I get on I'm going to try in
131:25 know how I get on I'm going to try in the mornings when I wake up to just stay
131:27 the mornings when I wake up to just stay away from all devices and just
131:31 away from all devices and just sit and I'll let you know how I get on
131:33 sit and I'll let you know how I get on and I'll be honest with you yeah be
131:34 and I'll be honest with you yeah be honest with you I will be and even if I
131:36 honest with you I will be and even if I can't do it I'll be honest with you yeah
131:37 can't do it I'll be honest with you yeah and that's okay so the one thing I would
131:39 and that's okay so the one thing I would ask is that if you let me know how it
131:41 ask is that if you let me know how it goes may not go
131:44 goes may not go well you got to give me a chance to give
131:46 well you got to give me a chance to give you a second thing to do okay why why'
131:50 you a second thing to do okay why why' you say that
131:51 you say that because I think we're asking too much of
131:53 because I think we're asking too much of you okay you think I'm going to fail be
131:56 you okay you think I'm going to fail be honest yes I think you're going to fail
131:58 honest yes I think you're going to fail but I think the problem is that if I
132:00 but I think the problem is that if I tell you you're going to fail you're
132:01 tell you you're going to fail you're going to try to succeed and we make a
132:02 going to try to succeed and we make a goal out of it so we've already failed
132:04 goal out of it so we've already failed like so so it's it's so just give me a
132:06 like so so it's it's so just give me a second chance I'll figure I'll we'll
132:08 second chance I'll figure I'll we'll trick you have we have to trick you into
132:10 trick you have we have to trick you into doing it we can't let you know that
132:12 doing it we can't let you know that we're doing
132:17 it reminds me of what you were saying about your your wife giving birth before
132:18 about your your wife giving birth before we started recording about lay on your
132:20 we started recording about lay on your left the kid likes it yeah so the mind
132:22 left the kid likes it yeah so the mind is so tricky right so the mind will
132:24 is so tricky right so the mind will craft a goal for you out of this and if
132:26 craft a goal for you out of this and if I tell you Steven you will fail I'm not
132:28 I tell you Steven you will fail I'm not trying to manipulate I'm worried that if
132:30 trying to manipulate I'm worried that if I tell you you're going to fail you're
132:31 I tell you you're going to fail you're going to do
132:32 going to do it it's so interesting what my mind did
132:34 it it's so interesting what my mind did there as well and it's just and this is
132:36 there as well and it's just and this is so icky but I'm going to be honest
132:37 so icky but I'm going to be honest because it just what's the point this is
132:38 because it just what's the point this is called the dire of a CE so um even when
132:42 called the dire of a CE so um even when I thought about doing that like I was
132:44 I thought about doing that like I was like okay so sit in the morning spend 20
132:46 like okay so sit in the morning spend 20 minutes um just being and then do that
132:50 minutes um just being and then do that try and do that Steve like a week or two
132:52 try and do that Steve like a week or two weeks and then you can come back on the
132:54 weeks and then you can come back on the podcast and tell people about it I'm
132:56 podcast and tell people about it I'm like that's [ __ ] you just made this
132:57 like that's [ __ ] you just made this about an external thing again good
132:59 about an external thing again good brilliant brilliant brilliant brilliant
133:01 brilliant brilliant brilliant brilliant you know why what's brilliant about that
133:04 you know why what's brilliant about that awareness exactly yeah change is
133:07 awareness exactly yeah change is happening change cannot happen while
133:09 happening change cannot happen while you're blind you cannot good diagnosis
133:11 you're blind you cannot good diagnosis predes good treatment so this is the
133:13 predes good treatment so this is the other thing really interesting right so
133:15 other thing really interesting right so one last thing I know we're running long
133:18 one last thing I know we're running long so this is a habit for you right yeah
133:25 for a habit to be this is a very simple technique to demolish any
133:28 technique to demolish any habit a habit is automatic that's what
133:31 habit a habit is automatic that's what makes it a habit that's why we love
133:33 makes it a habit that's why we love habits why is everyone so obsessed with
133:34 habits why is everyone so obsessed with habits because if it's a habit then it
133:36 habits because if it's a habit then it happens automatically if it's a habit I
133:38 happens automatically if it's a habit I don't have to work hard I want to
133:41 don't have to work hard I want to program myself so I can be
133:44 program myself so I can be lazy so all you need to do to demolish a
133:47 lazy so all you need to do to demolish a habit is awareness because literally the
133:49 habit is awareness because literally the circuits involved in your brain are
133:51 circuits involved in your brain are completely different The Habit circuitry
133:53 completely different The Habit circuitry in your brain is the endoc canabo system
133:55 in your brain is the endoc canabo system awareness of the present moment is your
133:57 awareness of the present moment is your anterior singulate cortex in your
133:59 anterior singulate cortex in your frontal loopes you cannot have a habit
134:02 frontal loopes you cannot have a habit and exert willpower at the same time
134:04 and exert willpower at the same time that's the whole point of a habit so as
134:07 that's the whole point of a habit so as you become aware every time you catch it
134:10 you become aware every time you catch it Stephen it will chip away at it it'll
134:13 Stephen it will chip away at it it'll get cut away 1% 1% 1% until it
134:17 get cut away 1% 1% 1% until it disappears catch it as many times as you
134:19 disappears catch it as many times as you can is this why it's useful to keep a
134:23 can is this why it's useful to keep a diary or to write sort of it can it can
134:26 diary or to write sort of it can it can be Diaries have all kinds of other
134:28 be Diaries have all kinds of other mechanisms so the just a couple of quick
134:30 mechanisms so the just a couple of quick ones so one is that Diaries slow down
134:33 ones so one is that Diaries slow down the pace of your thinking because when
134:35 the pace of your thinking because when you write you write slower than you
134:37 you write you write slower than you think so you me like meditate on the
134:39 think so you me like meditate on the thoughts a little bit more the second
134:40 thoughts a little bit more the second thing is that a when we think in our
134:42 thing is that a when we think in our head we're using some circuits of the
134:44 head we're using some circuits of the brain but when we write we are
134:46 brain but when we write we are activating our sensory
134:49 activating our sensory inputs and our capacity to learn from
134:52 inputs and our capacity to learn from our sensory inputs versus thinking is
134:54 our sensory inputs versus thinking is actually way
134:56 actually way higher right yeah so it's like
134:59 higher right yeah so it's like activating a completely different part
135:00 activating a completely different part of the brain we're slowing down our
135:02 of the brain we're slowing down our thoughts so slowing down thought and
135:04 thoughts so slowing down thought and activating our sens sensory inputs is
135:06 activating our sens sensory inputs is part of why a diary is useful the other
135:08 part of why a diary is useful the other thing the other third thing with a diary
135:10 thing the other third thing with a diary being useful is that when we think in
135:12 being useful is that when we think in our mind we end up in a different place
135:15 our mind we end up in a different place from when we
135:17 from when we write so it's a lot easier in our mind
135:20 write so it's a lot easier in our mind to end up with habitual patterns of
135:22 to end up with habitual patterns of thinking in a diary it's way harder to
135:25 thinking in a diary it's way harder to end up with habitual thinking so you
135:27 end up with habitual thinking so you will explore yourself more effectively
135:29 will explore yourself more effectively using a diary when I look at the first
135:31 using a diary when I look at the first pages of my diary I find a guy that's
135:34 pages of my diary I find a guy that's constantly and this is really where the
135:36 constantly and this is really where the Diary of AO came to be the start of the
135:38 Diary of AO came to be the start of the podcast was me sharing my diary the
135:40 podcast was me sharing my diary the things I'd written in my diary every day
135:42 things I'd written in my diary every day um some of those early episodes that I
135:45 um some of those early episodes that I made were about the subject of purpose
135:46 made were about the subject of purpose which is something I've heard you speak
135:47 which is something I've heard you speak a lot about and that's kind of where I
135:49 a lot about and that's kind of where I wanted to end our conversation today is
135:51 wanted to end our conversation today is so many people and I know this from the
135:52 so many people and I know this from the comments and DMs I get are struggling to
135:54 comments and DMs I get are struggling to find their purpose now even as I say
135:56 find their purpose now even as I say that I go I've loaded the question
135:58 that I go I've loaded the question because I've said find which which
136:00 because I've said find which which insinuates there some kind of search and
136:03 insinuates there some kind of search and purpose is a singular word so it
136:04 purpose is a singular word so it indicates that there's one but you know
136:07 indicates that there's one but you know what I'm saying what is that that people
136:08 what I'm saying what is that that people are looking for and why are they
136:10 are looking for and why are they struggling to find it this is very
136:13 struggling to find it this is very simple you can look at any human being
136:15 simple you can look at any human being on the planet and you can see that they
136:17 on the planet and you can see that they all gravitate towards something which is
136:20 all gravitate towards something which is internal peace
136:22 internal peace so our hunger gives us a sense when we
136:24 so our hunger gives us a sense when we eat then we have internal peace thirst
136:27 eat then we have internal peace thirst gives us a sense of wanting to drink and
136:29 gives us a sense of wanting to drink and then we have internal peace when we want
136:31 then we have internal peace when we want self-respect the feeling of a lack of
136:33 self-respect the feeling of a lack of self-respect is a lack of internal peace
136:36 self-respect is a lack of internal peace so this is what's kind of weird is that
136:38 so this is what's kind of weird is that all of these we're chasing all of these
136:40 all of these we're chasing all of these things outside of us to create an
136:43 things outside of us to create an internal state right so no matter what
136:45 internal state right so no matter what you do in life at some point your
136:47 you do in life at some point your actions are going to cross the barrier
136:50 actions are going to cross the barrier of the external to the internal and will
136:52 of the external to the internal and will make you feel a certain way why do we
136:54 make you feel a certain way why do we get married to create a particular
136:56 get married to create a particular feeling why do we give someone a kiss to
136:58 feeling why do we give someone a kiss to create a particular feeling right so
137:00 create a particular feeling right so everything we experience within us now
137:03 everything we experience within us now why is it so hard for people so we're
137:05 why is it so hard for people so we're all looking for inner peace that's just
137:06 all looking for inner peace that's just it period right and then the question
137:09 it period right and then the question becomes what makes it hard very simple
137:12 becomes what makes it hard very simple because we're looking for it in the
137:13 because we're looking for it in the wrong place so we're all looking for it
137:15 wrong place so we're all looking for it outside of
137:16 outside of us right so we're looking and then what
137:19 us right so we're looking and then what happens is if we look for inner peace
137:21 happens is if we look for inner peace from the outside so if I get Inner Peace
137:24 from the outside so if I get Inner Peace because people tell me Al look you're so
137:26 because people tell me Al look you're so great now what happens is that peace
137:28 great now what happens is that peace lasts only as long as people are saying
137:31 lasts only as long as people are saying it and the real reason we're screwed is
137:33 it and the real reason we're screwed is because the biological organism develops
137:35 because the biological organism develops a system of tolerance so right now
137:38 a system of tolerance so right now you've got 10 million followers and then
137:41 you've got 10 million followers and then you're going to need more and then
137:42 you're going to need more and then you're going to need more and then
137:44 you're going to need more and then you're going to need more we're going to
137:45 you're going to need more we're going to need more intense pornography we're
137:49 need more intense pornography we're going to need more intense video games
137:51 going to need more intense video games we're going to need more exciting TV
137:53 we're going to need more exciting TV shows so the nature of the human
137:55 shows so the nature of the human organism is to adapt to its surroundings
137:58 organism is to adapt to its surroundings which is why you will never succeed if
138:00 which is why you will never succeed if you are relying on the outside world to
138:03 you are relying on the outside world to make you happy because you will just
138:04 make you happy because you will just want more and more and more and what
138:07 want more and more and more and what helps you achieve happiness comes from
138:10 helps you achieve happiness comes from in here that's why it's so hard for
138:12 in here that's why it's so hard for everyone so these kids asking saying
138:14 everyone so these kids asking saying that they can't find their purpose
138:16 that they can't find their purpose they're in jobs they they don't like or
138:17 they're in jobs they they don't like or they're you know embarking on their
138:19 they're you know embarking on their professional Journeys and they don't
138:20 professional Journeys and they don't know what their purpose is what is it
138:23 know what their purpose is what is it you say to them when they DM
138:25 you say to them when they DM you um so I I think uh one thing I would
138:29 you um so I I think uh one thing I would say to them is purpose is an attitude
138:30 say to them is purpose is an attitude it's not a
138:32 it's not a thing right so like it take any action
138:36 thing right so like it take any action what makes that action align with your
138:38 what makes that action align with your purpose it's the attitude that you take
138:40 purpose it's the attitude that you take towards
138:41 towards it so if I give you this meditation
138:43 it so if I give you this meditation practice to sit and do nothing you're
138:46 practice to sit and do nothing you're like yeah it's part of my purpose and
138:48 like yeah it's part of my purpose and part of my growth you see what I mean
138:50 part of my growth you see what I mean like it's all about the way that your
138:51 like it's all about the way that your mind a purpose is not purpose is an
138:54 mind a purpose is not purpose is an attitude it's not like a
138:57 attitude it's not like a goal so I'll even do this like so when I
138:59 goal so I'll even do this like so when I was in in you know in residency like
139:01 was in in you know in residency like sometimes I would have students who were
139:02 sometimes I would have students who were struggling right and like since I'm a
139:05 struggling right and like since I'm a nice guy people would come to me and
139:06 nice guy people would come to me and they're like hey I'm struggling like I
139:08 they're like hey I'm struggling like I don't want to learn this stuff and and
139:10 don't want to learn this stuff and and what we really do is we shift their
139:11 what we really do is we shift their purpose by shifting their attitude
139:13 purpose by shifting their attitude they're like I'm not interested in
139:14 they're like I'm not interested in Psychiatry I'm like fair enough so
139:16 Psychiatry I'm like fair enough so here's the thing you got to understand
139:17 here's the thing you got to understand for the rest of your life no matter what
139:18 for the rest of your life no matter what kind of medicine you practice you're
139:20 kind of medicine you practice you're going to get people people who are
139:21 going to get people people who are mentally ill and or addicted to things
139:22 mentally ill and or addicted to things who are going to be personality
139:24 who are going to be personality disordered I can guarantee you that the
139:26 disordered I can guarantee you that the worst days of your life will have
139:28 worst days of your life will have nothing to do with surgery they're going
139:31 nothing to do with surgery they're going to have to do with having a personality
139:32 to have to do with having a personality disordered sociopathic narcissistic
139:35 disordered sociopathic narcissistic borderline personality disorder patient
139:38 borderline personality disorder patient who is making a mess on the floor nurses
139:40 who is making a mess on the floor nurses are going to be paging you no one is
139:41 are going to be paging you no one is going to want to talk to them this is
139:43 going to want to talk to them this is vitally important for you to learn no
139:46 vitally important for you to learn no matter what you're interested in so it's
139:48 matter what you're interested in so it's about the attitude the other thing that
139:50 about the attitude the other thing that I'll do with students is they're like so
139:51 I'll do with students is they're like so worried about getting honors they're
139:52 worried about getting honors they're like oh I got to get a good grade I got
139:54 like oh I got to get a good grade I got this is Harvard right so these are like
139:55 this is Harvard right so these are like really gunning medical students and I
139:57 really gunning medical students and I was like you guys are missing the point
139:58 was like you guys are missing the point you're not here to get honors you're
140:00 you're not here to get honors you're here to practice medicine so one day
140:03 here to practice medicine so one day you're going to be on an airplane and
140:05 you're going to be on an airplane and you're going to hear the flight
140:06 you're going to hear the flight attendant pick up the phone they're
140:08 attendant pick up the phone they're going to be like is there a doctor on
140:09 going to be like is there a doctor on the
140:10 the plane and then you don't get to say oh
140:12 plane and then you don't get to say oh sorry I it's not something I'm
140:14 sorry I it's not something I'm interested in I just got a pass I can't
140:17 interested in I just got a pass I can't you don't get to say that you're here to
140:19 you don't get to say that you're here to learn how to save life
140:21 learn how to save life lives right and so that attitude when it
140:24 lives right and so that attitude when it sinks in with them changes the way that
140:26 sinks in with them changes the way that they learn I don't care what your gr is
140:29 they learn I don't care what your gr is it's not about the grade it's about like
140:31 it's not about the grade it's about like we're trying to teach you medicine
140:32 we're trying to teach you medicine because you're going to need it one day
140:35 because you're going to need it one day a lot of people have seemingly found
140:36 a lot of people have seemingly found their purpose but then they get a little
140:38 their purpose but then they get a little bit of a quto lifee crisis and I've
140:39 bit of a quto lifee crisis and I've never really heard this term quto life
140:41 never really heard this term quto life crisis before until you started speaking
140:43 crisis before until you started speaking about it what is a quarter life crisis
140:45 about it what is a quarter life crisis and what is actually going on there so a
140:48 and what is actually going on there so a quarter life crisis is something that
140:50 quarter life crisis is something that we're seeing like more and more of so
140:52 we're seeing like more and more of so usually what happens is that see early
140:55 usually what happens is that see early on you asked earlier if if we have you
140:57 on you asked earlier if if we have you know dreams right so I have a dream of
141:00 know dreams right so I have a dream of something but I don't really know what
141:01 something but I don't really know what it is so I'm 15 years old I pick a dream
141:04 it is so I'm 15 years old I pick a dream I start advancing towards it and our our
141:08 I start advancing towards it and our our when we form our life what we try to do
141:11 when we form our life what we try to do is we we develop a conception and then
141:14 is we we develop a conception and then we live up to that conception so I'm
141:16 we live up to that conception so I'm going to be a doctor one day and then
141:18 going to be a doctor one day and then the reality of our the reality is very
141:20 the reality of our the reality is very different from our dreams so then what
141:22 different from our dreams so then what happens is we tend to find ourselves in
141:24 happens is we tend to find ourselves in a place that we're like not happy with
141:26 a place that we're like not happy with so I see this a lot from like people who
141:28 so I see this a lot from like people who are like oh I want to be like a
141:29 are like oh I want to be like a programmer but then they're working in
141:31 programmer but then they're working in this environment where there's like you
141:32 this environment where there's like you know there's always like scope creep
141:35 know there's always like scope creep there's like burn like the Sprints are
141:36 there's like burn like the Sprints are very exhausting it's burned out like I'm
141:38 very exhausting it's burned out like I'm not happy here so the first stage of a
141:40 not happy here so the first stage of a quarter life crisis is feeling trapped
141:43 quarter life crisis is feeling trapped now you've invested all of this time and
141:46 now you've invested all of this time and energy into like you know medicine or
141:49 energy into like you know medicine or being a doctor and you spent years or
141:51 being a doctor and you spent years or like being a programmer now you're
141:53 like being a programmer now you're trapped in this situation because you've
141:55 trapped in this situation because you've invested so much time the second thing
141:58 invested so much time the second thing that happens in a quarter life crisis so
141:59 that happens in a quarter life crisis so people are like this is what it it
142:01 people are like this is what it it sounds like so I wake up every day I
142:05 sounds like so I wake up every day I pack my lunch I drive in traffic I'm at
142:08 pack my lunch I drive in traffic I'm at my job where I'm underappreciated I'm
142:10 my job where I'm underappreciated I'm not challenged I drive home I'm supposed
142:12 not challenged I drive home I'm supposed to take care of myself so I'm going to
142:14 to take care of myself so I'm going to listen to step's podcast on the way home
142:16 listen to step's podcast on the way home I'm going to work out I'm going to do
142:17 I'm going to work out I'm going to do laundry I'm going to eat a couple of
142:19 laundry I'm going to eat a couple of chicken breasts and then it's time for
142:21 chicken breasts and then it's time for sleep and you do this for about two
142:23 sleep and you do this for about two years and you're like is this life what
142:25 years and you're like is this life what else can I do so it starts with a
142:27 else can I do so it starts with a feeling of being trapped second thing
142:29 feeling of being trapped second thing that happens is people mentally check
142:31 that happens is people mentally check out so you'll feel like I don't I'm not
142:34 out so you'll feel like I don't I'm not passionate about my
142:35 passionate about my job now this is where people make a big
142:37 job now this is where people make a big mistake because if you look at the
142:39 mistake because if you look at the research on quarter life crisis what
142:41 research on quarter life crisis what they will try to do is check back in
142:44 they will try to do is check back in they'll try to cultivate some sense of
142:46 they'll try to cultivate some sense of Joy or like how do I get engaged in life
142:49 Joy or like how do I get engaged in life but this is what's really interesting is
142:50 but this is what's really interesting is mentally checking out is an important
142:53 mentally checking out is an important developmental step to growth so if you
142:57 developmental step to growth so if you don't check out of your existing job or
143:00 don't check out of your existing job or your existing relationship there's no
143:03 your existing relationship there's no space in your mind for a new one so we
143:06 space in your mind for a new one so we have to mentally check out it's actually
143:07 have to mentally check out it's actually part of the process then this is where
143:09 part of the process then this is where things get really interesting if we look
143:11 things get really interesting if we look at the successful navigation of a
143:12 at the successful navigation of a quarter life crisis we all feel trapped
143:15 quarter life crisis we all feel trapped then we check out we think this is a bad
143:17 then we check out we think this is a bad thing then what gets really interesting
143:19 thing then what gets really interesting is that there's usually some kind of
143:21 is that there's usually some kind of intentional moving away so in my case I
143:24 intentional moving away so in my case I literally like went to India so we know
143:27 literally like went to India so we know that that human beings need to create
143:29 that that human beings need to create some amount of psychological or physical
143:31 some amount of psychological or physical space I've had patients who have joined
143:33 space I've had patients who have joined the military I've had patients who have
143:35 the military I've had patients who have like driven cross country you need space
143:37 like driven cross country you need space like physical space and mental space
143:39 like physical space and mental space away from what you're checked out from
143:42 away from what you're checked out from then we get to something that's really
143:43 then we get to something that's really interesting so you asked this question
143:45 interesting so you asked this question how do you find purpose purpose is not
143:47 how do you find purpose purpose is not something you find it's not like you're
143:48 something you find it's not like you're walking down the street and like oh or
143:50 walking down the street and like oh or you're meditating and it's like ah I
143:52 you're meditating and it's like ah I have purpose purpose is crafted right so
143:55 have purpose purpose is crafted right so once we're mentally we mentally check
143:58 once we're mentally we mentally check out that allows us to distance ourselves
144:00 out that allows us to distance ourselves because if we don't mentally check out
144:02 because if we don't mentally check out and we step away we're going to feel
144:03 and we step away we're going to feel guilt we're going to feel like you know
144:05 guilt we're going to feel like you know we have to check out we have to give up
144:07 we have to check out we have to give up on it otherwise we'll stay stuck does
144:09 on it otherwise we'll stay stuck does that kind of make sense so then what we
144:11 that kind of make sense so then what we have to do is a period of
144:13 have to do is a period of self-exploration and craftsmanship so
144:16 self-exploration and craftsmanship so then what we do is like discover okay
144:17 then what we do is like discover okay who am I what do I really want we we
144:20 who am I what do I really want we we connect with our internal selves so this
144:22 connect with our internal selves so this is really important about a quarter life
144:24 is really important about a quarter life crisis the first phase of our life we
144:26 crisis the first phase of our life we are living up to external expectations
144:29 are living up to external expectations and it's not really about what I want I
144:31 and it's not really about what I want I think I want to become a doctor but what
144:32 think I want to become a doctor but what do I really know I'm not really
144:34 do I really know I'm not really listening to myself I'm just being
144:35 listening to myself I'm just being programmed by my conditioning so we
144:37 programmed by my conditioning so we start out being very externally focused
144:40 start out being very externally focused then we feel trapped then we check out
144:42 then we feel trapped then we check out then we move away then we discover who
144:45 then we move away then we discover who we discover you don't discover it's not
144:46 we discover you don't discover it's not there you craft who you are you get in
144:49 there you craft who you are you get in touch with yourself
144:51 touch with yourself and then comes the last phase of the
144:52 and then comes the last phase of the quarter life crisis which is that you
144:54 quarter life crisis which is that you craft an external
144:56 craft an external world based on your internal environment
145:00 world based on your internal environment so now your compass is dictating what
145:03 so now your compass is dictating what you do you find a relationship that
145:05 you do you find a relationship that resonates with you to begin with and so
145:07 resonates with you to begin with and so in my case and your case probably we
145:10 in my case and your case probably we probably did this in some way we failed
145:13 probably did this in some way we failed we did something new and then we like
145:15 we did something new and then we like figured out okay this is what excites me
145:18 figured out okay this is what excites me right so at some point growth excites
145:20 right so at some point growth excites you you so now like this endeavor is
145:22 you you so now like this endeavor is about growth it's about helping people
145:24 about growth it's about helping people so now you're crafting your external
145:27 so now you're crafting your external life based on what you've discovered
145:29 life based on what you've discovered about yourself internally and that's
145:31 about yourself internally and that's kind of the last
145:33 kind of the last phase the problem that people run into
145:35 phase the problem that people run into is that they don't realize that this
145:38 is that they don't realize that this sequence is necessary and you have to do
145:40 sequence is necessary and you have to do it in this order yeah I was thinking
145:42 it in this order yeah I was thinking about so many of my friends as you
145:43 about so many of my friends as you described this process that have come to
145:45 described this process that have come to me for advice recently um these are
145:47 me for advice recently um these are friends who have quit their business so
145:51 friends who have quit their business so they've sold their company yeah and then
145:53 they've sold their company yeah and then they've taken you know two months off
145:55 they've taken you know two months off they've got so agitated and in two cases
145:58 they've got so agitated and in two cases that I can describe a very big companies
146:00 that I can describe a very big companies everyone listening would know that
146:01 everyone listening would know that friend has gone back to the business
146:03 friend has gone back to the business absolutely so I mean I've had I can
146:05 absolutely so I mean I've had I can think of two people as well who you know
146:07 think of two people as well who you know one one person you know sold a company
146:09 one one person you know sold a company at 29 for ton of money and then they
146:12 at 29 for ton of money and then they were like tried to find themselves for a
146:14 were like tried to find themselves for a year or two and then went back to
146:15 year or two and then went back to starting companies yeah right but but my
146:17 starting companies yeah right but but my friends actually went back into the same
146:18 friends actually went back into the same company I've seen that too like bought
146:20 company I've seen that too like bought the company back or went back in as CEO
146:23 the company back or went back in as CEO yeah I've seen someone bought a company
146:25 yeah I've seen someone bought a company didn't manage it properly value declined
146:28 didn't manage it properly value declined and then you buy it back you're net
146:30 and then you buy it back you're net positive and then you run it and it goes
146:31 positive and then you run it and it goes well my mentor said to me when I left my
146:33 well my mentor said to me when I left my first business which um is what made
146:35 first business which um is what made gave me sort of Financial Freedom he
146:37 gave me sort of Financial Freedom he said to me when I called him it was in
146:39 said to me when I called him it was in the middle of the pandemic and I said
146:40 the middle of the pandemic and I said I've sold the company now and I'm I'm
146:41 I've sold the company now and I'm I'm out and I'm sold my shares over the
146:43 out and I'm sold my shares over the market in a private transaction and it's
146:46 market in a private transaction and it's the pandemic like the world has stopped
146:48 the pandemic like the world has stopped and you know what I'm like so I'm like
146:50 and you know what I'm like so I'm like well what do I do now and he said to me
146:51 well what do I do now and he said to me it's my friend Shaq Shaquille Khan he
146:53 it's my friend Shaq Shaquille Khan he said the hardest thing in the world for
146:55 said the hardest thing in the world for you to do and the most important thing
146:57 you to do and the most important thing for you to do is to do nothing and he
147:00 for you to do is to do nothing and he was like you just need to sit and you
147:03 was like you just need to sit and you need to do nothing he goes because
147:05 need to do nothing he goes because you're going to get all these urges
147:06 you're going to get all these urges Steve to go back and start a similar
147:08 Steve to go back and start a similar business the same business um because
147:10 business the same business um because you can and you know you can but he goes
147:13 you can and you know you can but he goes the reason why you are successful the
147:14 the reason why you are successful the first time around is now kind of expired
147:17 first time around is now kind of expired like you did that so the thing that's
147:19 like you did that so the thing that's going to drive you every day and give
147:20 going to drive you every day and give that sense of like feel motivation and
147:22 that sense of like feel motivation and purpose is going to be something else
147:23 purpose is going to be something else and you're going to need to create a
147:24 and you're going to need to create a space for it to emerge and I say that to
147:27 space for it to emerge and I say that to Founders all the time that like exit
147:28 Founders all the time that like exit their businesses or leave their
147:29 their businesses or leave their companies is you have to basically do
147:31 companies is you have to basically do this painful process of like sitting on
147:32 this painful process of like sitting on your hands for like a year and being
147:35 your hands for like a year and being patient and waiting yeah and that's kind
147:37 patient and waiting yeah and that's kind of what you were saying you're saying
147:38 of what you were saying you're saying about cultivating this um this new life
147:41 about cultivating this um this new life but from inside out not from outside in
147:44 but from inside out not from outside in because you get so many offers you get
147:46 because you get so many offers you get so many opportunities and offers in that
147:48 so many opportunities and offers in that space um but those again aren't yours
147:51 space um but those again aren't yours you didn't cultivate them they just came
147:52 you didn't cultivate them they just came to you so yeah it's such a beautiful way
147:55 to you so yeah it's such a beautiful way to put it like living your life from the
147:56 to put it like living your life from the inside out as opposed to the outside in
147:58 inside out as opposed to the outside in and and that's that's like that's what
148:01 and and that's that's like that's what people should
148:03 people should do that's what you help people do and
148:05 do that's what you help people do and that's what you've helped me do every
148:06 that's what you've helped me do every time we spoke and every time we speak
148:07 time we spoke and every time we speak it's it's on one hand it's so
148:09 it's it's on one hand it's so informative and so um wise and so unique
148:14 informative and so um wise and so unique because you're combining disciplines and
148:16 because you're combining disciplines and you're doing it in such a wonderfully
148:18 you're doing it in such a wonderfully smooth fluent and
148:21 smooth fluent and logical way my brain is struggles when
148:24 logical way my brain is struggles when anything gets a little bit too fluffy or
148:25 anything gets a little bit too fluffy or like Airy fairy but as you speak you
148:28 like Airy fairy but as you speak you weave these worlds together in such a
148:29 weave these worlds together in such a wonderful way and at the other end it's
148:31 wonderful way and at the other end it's really confronting and I am someone that
148:33 really confronting and I am someone that likes the confrontation because you know
148:35 likes the confrontation because you know I gives you an opportunity to
148:37 I gives you an opportunity to grow no because I just I what like what
148:40 grow no because I just I what like what an absolute honor that I get to sit with
148:42 an absolute honor that I get to sit with someone like you who's like super smart
148:43 someone like you who's like super smart and gone to Har and all these things and
148:45 and gone to Har and all these things and I get to work through some of the the
148:46 I get to work through some of the the things that that I struggle with but
148:48 things that that I struggle with but also I also realize as um a podcaster
148:52 also I also realize as um a podcaster that it's the most the most value that I
148:55 that it's the most the most value that I think I can give to the audience is like
148:58 think I can give to the audience is like me being honest about myself yeah that
149:00 me being honest about myself yeah that is the information that is in greatest
149:03 is the information that is in greatest demand but in least Supply in the world
149:06 demand but in least Supply in the world is people doing what we just did I you
149:08 is people doing what we just did I you know what I mean does that make sense I
149:10 know what I mean does that make sense I I it's it's a a brilliant I mean I just
149:13 I it's it's a a brilliant I mean I just I love the way that you put thoughts
149:15 I love the way that you put thoughts together right so I I think that's
149:17 together right so I I think that's correct so I I think if we look at the
149:20 correct so I I think if we look at the success of this podcast your
149:22 success of this podcast your authenticity is such a huge part of it
149:24 authenticity is such a huge part of it and also what's happening is we're
149:26 and also what's happening is we're getting so much like derivative content
149:28 getting so much like derivative content we're getting like five tips for this
149:29 we're getting like five tips for this and five tips for that and 10 techniques
149:31 and five tips for that and 10 techniques to do this and and what what's missing
149:34 to do this and and what what's missing is like authenticity I've thought about
149:36 is like authenticity I've thought about this so much man it's like how do you
149:38 this so much man it's like how do you ask obviously my job is to ask questions
149:40 ask obviously my job is to ask questions right and the longer I've done this
149:42 right and the longer I've done this podcast what I've come to realizes the
149:44 podcast what I've come to realizes the best questions are the ones that no one
149:47 best questions are the ones that no one could give me that are like deep in my
149:48 could give me that are like deep in my heart somewhere that I've would maybe
149:50 heart somewhere that I've would maybe been too scared to like to say out loud
149:52 been too scared to like to say out loud and when I get closer to those questions
149:54 and when I get closer to those questions the conversations are so much more
149:56 the conversations are so much more valuable for the audience and I can rank
149:59 valuable for the audience and I can rank the conversations essentially based on
150:01 the conversations essentially based on how much the questions came from my soul
150:04 how much the questions came from my soul and then the like metric that I I might
150:07 and then the like metric that I I might measure um it based on is the amount of
150:09 measure um it based on is the amount of people that message me and the length of
150:11 people that message me and the length of the message they send because if I ask
150:13 the message they send because if I ask questions from my soul the messages that
150:15 questions from my soul the messages that they send me get exponentially longer it
150:18 they send me get exponentially longer it it becomes like they send me
150:21 it becomes like they send me pages when you know these are my
150:23 pages when you know these are my questions if I make a conversation about
150:25 questions if I make a conversation about the gut microbiome people might say hey
150:26 the gut microbiome people might say hey I love that podcast but gut micro biome
150:27 I love that podcast but gut micro biome I'm meeting leafy veg now but when they
150:30 I'm meeting leafy veg now but when they come from my soul yeah it's like the
150:32 come from my soul yeah it's like the world gives me that back if you know
150:33 world gives me that back if you know what I mean absolutely and I I I think
150:35 what I mean absolutely and I I I think that's that's what that's why I really
150:38 that's that's what that's why I really love doing this it's a privilege for me
150:40 love doing this it's a privilege for me too and I think like this is a very
150:42 too and I think like this is a very common issue and I think we've been kind
150:44 common issue and I think we've been kind of skirting not skirting around we've
150:45 of skirting not skirting around we've touched on this issue several times but
150:47 touched on this issue several times but you've asked me what do we do right what
150:49 you've asked me what do we do right what is what is the answer I think the one
150:51 is what is the answer I think the one thing I've learned for 10 years of being
150:53 thing I've learned for 10 years of being a medical doctor
150:55 a medical doctor is it's not about finding the right
150:58 is it's not about finding the right answers it's about asking the right
151:00 answers it's about asking the right questions that is the methodology
151:02 questions that is the methodology because an answer is outside of you it
151:05 because an answer is outside of you it theoretically applies to all people but
151:07 theoretically applies to all people but if you really want to be your best self
151:11 if you really want to be your best self that answer needs to be tailored to you
151:13 that answer needs to be tailored to you specifically to you and that answer what
151:16 specifically to you and that answer what works for you only you know right right
151:20 works for you only you know right right I don't know what's going to work for
151:21 I don't know what's going to work for you or anyone else because I don't have
151:24 you or anyone else because I don't have information about your internal
151:25 information about your internal environment MH so the real key is not
151:28 environment MH so the real key is not about finding the right answers it's
151:30 about finding the right answers it's about asking the right questions so that
151:33 about asking the right questions so that you can get the data within that applies
151:35 you can get the data within that applies to you 100% why do we have so much
151:38 to you 100% why do we have so much advice on the internet because none of
151:41 advice on the internet because none of it applies 100% to your unique genetics
151:44 it applies 100% to your unique genetics your unique epigenetics your experiences
151:46 your unique epigenetics your experiences your traumas your dormant unconscious
151:50 your traumas your dormant unconscious so that's what you need to do is is
151:53 so that's what you need to do is is develop a plan that is only going to
151:55 develop a plan that is only going to work for you and that's not about an
151:57 work for you and that's not about an answer it's about a methodology how do
151:59 answer it's about a methodology how do you think I could be a better podcaster
152:02 you think I could be a better podcaster and I guess we have to Define what
152:03 and I guess we have to Define what better means but how do you think that I
152:04 better means but how do you think that I could I don't think you can be a better
152:06 could I don't think you can be a better podcaster and I think you should stop
152:07 podcaster and I think you should stop trying okay I think you should do
152:09 trying okay I think you should do exactly what you are doing and recognize
152:13 exactly what you are doing and recognize that you you are enough so just keep
152:18 that you you are enough so just keep doing what you're doing you shouldn't
152:20 doing what you're doing you shouldn't try to be better this is all a part of
152:22 try to be better this is all a part of your journey mhm I I don't think you no
152:26 your journey mhm I I don't think you no I don't accept the question I don't
152:27 I don't accept the question I don't think you can be better I think the
152:29 think you can be better I think the concept of better is literally
152:31 concept of better is literally hypothetical does that make sense makes
152:33 hypothetical does that make sense makes perfect sense you just are so just be
152:37 perfect sense you just are so just be yeah it's funny because the the more in
152:40 yeah it's funny because the the more in my life that I've just
152:42 my life that I've just been um the better everything has got
152:45 been um the better everything has got and including my romantic relationship
152:47 and including my romantic relationship with my partner it's just it's there's a
152:48 with my partner it's just it's there's a real correlation between just being
152:50 real correlation between just being and I don't know seemingly things just
152:53 and I don't know seemingly things just figuring themselves out it's kind of
152:54 figuring themselves out it's kind of goes back to what I was saying about
152:55 goes back to what I was saying about like the Louis Vuitton of my life and
152:57 like the Louis Vuitton of my life and then they're like post l t around I had
152:59 then they're like post l t around I had better results when I was just being so
153:01 better results when I was just being so exactly and this podcast was based on
153:03 exactly and this podcast was based on that it was based on me just being um
153:05 that it was based on me just being um which was scary it was really scary at
153:06 which was scary it was really scary at the start it was scary just talking
153:08 the start it was scary just talking about these things publicly at the start
153:10 about these things publicly at the start you
153:12 you know Dr K we have a closing tradition on
153:14 know Dr K we have a closing tradition on this podcast where the last guest leaves
153:15 this podcast where the last guest leaves a question for the next and the question
153:18 a question for the next and the question that's been left for you
153:21 that's been left for you is what is your rich
153:26 is what is your rich life I guess the one that I've
153:28 life I guess the one that I've got I mean that you know what it doesn't
153:32 got I mean that you know what it doesn't matter what the adjective is the the
153:34 matter what the adjective is the the only life I have is the one that I've
153:35 only life I have is the one that I've got so what is my rich life what is my
153:37 got so what is my rich life what is my poor life what is my good life what is
153:38 poor life what is my good life what is my bad life it's the one that I have and
153:41 my bad life it's the one that I have and and I'll kind of leave with like one
153:43 and I'll kind of leave with like one last thought so I saw something really
153:44 last thought so I saw something really interesting in a study about aging so
153:47 interesting in a study about aging so you know there's all this loneliness
153:48 you know there's all this loneliness epidemic going on so it's really
153:50 epidemic going on so it's really interesting because if you look at
153:52 interesting because if you look at it scientifically
153:54 it scientifically logically as we get older our life gets
153:57 logically as we get older our life gets objectively
153:58 objectively worse so we lose friends so literally
154:02 worse so we lose friends so literally over time the number of friends you have
154:03 over time the number of friends you have as you get older like they literally
154:05 as you get older like they literally start dying um we lose relationships our
154:08 start dying um we lose relationships our physical body starts to break down so
154:11 physical body starts to break down so like our life objectively by certain
154:12 like our life objectively by certain measures gets worse so what's really
154:15 measures gets worse so what's really interesting is that you'd expect old
154:16 interesting is that you'd expect old people are like more depressed because
154:18 people are like more depressed because their life is objectively worse
154:20 their life is objectively worse and sometimes they are but there's one
154:22 and sometimes they are but there's one variable that correlates with being
154:24 variable that correlates with being content in life versus being unhappy in
154:27 content in life versus being unhappy in life and that is how okay you are with a
154:31 life and that is how okay you are with a Bittersweet life so the more engaged
154:34 Bittersweet life so the more engaged with this concept of something being
154:37 with this concept of something being Bittersweet you are as you get older the
154:39 Bittersweet you are as you get older the more content you will be so I think my
154:42 more content you will be so I think my answer to that question is like
154:43 answer to that question is like embracing the bittersweetness of life
154:45 embracing the bittersweetness of life like there's piss in there and there's
154:47 like there's piss in there and there's sugar
154:49 sugar and that's just what it is thank you so
154:52 and that's just what it is thank you so much Dr K I really appreciate it you're
154:54 much Dr K I really appreciate it you're a very special human being and um I feel
154:56 a very special human being and um I feel indebted to you because you you know I
154:58 indebted to you because you you know I wish I could speak to you every day but
155:00 wish I could speak to you every day but this is why people need to go read your
155:01 this is why people need to go read your books and follow your YouTube channel
155:03 books and follow your YouTube channel because uh in that regard we can um and
155:06 because uh in that regard we can um and I hope to have many more conversations
155:07 I hope to have many more conversations with you about all of these things as I
155:09 with you about all of these things as I continue on my journey towards I don't
155:10 continue on my journey towards I don't know where the [ __ ] I'm going but but
155:13 know where the [ __ ] I'm going but but thank you so much you're a really really
155:14 thank you so much you're a really really special human being it's been an honor
155:15 special human being it's been an honor to be here and an absolute pleasure
155:17 to be here and an absolute pleasure thank you so much Stephen
155:28 [Music] every single time you eat you have an
155:30 every single time you eat you have an opportunity to improve your health and
155:32 opportunity to improve your health and that's why I love Zoe because Zoe helps
155:34 that's why I love Zoe because Zoe helps me to make the smartest food choices for
155:37 me to make the smartest food choices for me and my body and as you guys will know
155:39 me and my body and as you guys will know by now Zoe is a sponsor of this podcast
155:41 by now Zoe is a sponsor of this podcast and I'm an investor in the company and
155:42 and I'm an investor in the company and if you haven't tried Zoe I highly
155:44 if you haven't tried Zoe I highly recommend you do because Zoe combines My
155:46 recommend you do because Zoe combines My Health Data with Zoe's worldclass
155:49 Health Data with Zoe's worldclass science
155:50 science and using those two things Zoe guides me
155:52 and using those two things Zoe guides me to Better Health every single time I
155:54 to Better Health every single time I make a food choice and eat which means
155:56 make a food choice and eat which means that I have more energy better sleep
155:58 that I have more energy better sleep better mood and I'm less hungry and the
156:00 better mood and I'm less hungry and the most important thing is Zoe actually
156:01 most important thing is Zoe actually works it's backed by their recent
156:03 works it's backed by their recent clinical trial something called the
156:05 clinical trial something called the method study which is the gold standard
156:07 method study which is the gold standard of scientific research I started Zoe
156:10 of scientific research I started Zoe just over a year ago now and I've been
156:11 just over a year ago now and I've been able to track my progress week after
156:14 able to track my progress week after week so I can learn how to be even
156:15 week so I can learn how to be even smarter the following week and if you
156:17 smarter the following week and if you haven't joined Zoe yet I'm giving you
156:18 haven't joined Zoe yet I'm giving you 10% off when you join Zoe now just use
156:21 10% off when you join Zoe now just use the code ce10 at checkout isn't this
156:26 the code ce10 at checkout isn't this cool every single conversation I have
156:28 cool every single conversation I have here on the Diary of a CEO at the very
156:29 here on the Diary of a CEO at the very end of it you'll know I asked the guest
156:32 end of it you'll know I asked the guest to leave a question in the Diary of a
156:35 to leave a question in the Diary of a CEO and what we've done is we've turned
156:38 CEO and what we've done is we've turned every single question written in the
156:39 every single question written in the Diary of a CEO into these conversation
156:42 Diary of a CEO into these conversation cards that you can play at home so
156:45 cards that you can play at home so you've got every guest we've ever had
156:47 you've got every guest we've ever had their question and on the back of it if
156:50 their question and on the back of it if you scan that QR code you get to watch
156:54 you scan that QR code you get to watch the person who answered that question
156:56 the person who answered that question we're finally revealing all of the
156:59 we're finally revealing all of the questions and the people that answered
157:01 questions and the people that answered the question the brand new version 2
157:05 the question the brand new version 2 updated conversation cards are out right
157:07 updated conversation cards are out right now at Theon conversation cards.com
157:10 now at Theon conversation cards.com they've sold out twice instantaneously
157:12 they've sold out twice instantaneously so if you are interested in getting hold
157:13 so if you are interested in getting hold of some limited edition conversation
157:15 of some limited edition conversation cards I really really recommend acting
157:18 cards I really really recommend acting quickly ah
157:21 quickly ah [Music]
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