The speaker explores a profound and persistent feeling of worthlessness despite significant external validation, stemming from a lifelong pattern of earning love and self-worth through transactional relationships and achievements.
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This is not like a laughing matter what
I'm about to talk about, but like I'm
just like, huh? [laughter]
I've been feeling very worthless the
past couple of weeks. Like I said it in
my last podcast episode. I was like, I
can't fathom, and I mean it. I said, I
can't fathom why you guys watch me and
like why you guys care about me and have
continued to watch me for like the past
four years. And even with other social
media stuff like Tik Tok and Instagram,
like I couldn't fathom why people still
watched me. I don't even know why my
videos do so well. And I meant that when
I said it. And the past few weeks, I
felt very, very worthless in like a
scary way where I couldn't see anything
about myself that I liked. It did get
pretty dark for a minute a couple days
ago. Pull myself out of that hole like I
always do. [laughter]
But my I had to go through it. Only way
out was through. So it got like to a
scary point of feeling worthless where I
was like heartbroken by how I couldn't
see any value in myself at all
genuinely. And for me to be saying that
is kind of nuts to me. But I don't know
how to structure this episode or how to
talk about it. So I'm just going to talk
about what have I've been feeling,
what's led me up to this point and then
like the awareness that cracked through.
So, with social media and online fame
and all that and my podcast, there's
been this thing about me where I get no residual
residual
carryover confidence. Like, every time I
do something, it wipes out in my brain.
Like, I could never understand why I'm
not able to be a cocky [ __ ] Why am I
not allowed to look at my Tik Tok
account that has 10.9 million followers
and feel any kind of self-esteem? Like,
yeah, I have all these fies. People with
100,000 followers walk around in
day-to-day life like they got the
biggest dick in the world. So, like I
was always a little envious of like
people who get confidence from such
superficial [ __ ] It kind of was
irritating me. It was it was but like
even when I went on tour
after it happened I get no confidence
from thinking about past achievements
with being a nurse getting my real
estate license going on tour amassing
the following that I have having my
podcast be what it is and be so
successful for so long so low I never
had a guest I don't feel any kind of it
doesn't feed me like the external
validation of like the numbers doesn't
feed me and it never has and I felt very
broken I felt like this for a while
where it's like an empty cup but like
the bottom is broken. It's like it
doesn't matter how much external
validation comes in it just falls
through and it's been sad
for me like I've someone asked me the
other day what is it like to be you and
I said you'd never want to [ __ ] know
cuz I've felt trapped in this like
personal hell of nothing I do can make
me feel any kind of self-esteem for
long. It's like every single day I wake
up, everything resets in my mind. Like
when I drop merch or when I am doing my
popup, the dates are March 28th and 29th
in Houston. So, just want to throw that
in there. But even with that, when I
drop merch or do the pop-up store, do
anything like that, I feel no confidence
that people will show up or that people
will buy my merch. It doesn't matter how
many followers I have. It doesn't matter
how many people have bought things from
me in the past. Every time I drop merch,
it's like I'm starting from zero. I have
no confidence and no entitlement really.
Like people are going to buy it. And
like with the popup, I'm like I have
zero faith that people will show up.
When I go outside in public, when I go
to the gym, I get stopped at least 10
times during my workout by people coming
up to me, recognizing me, saying hi,
being happy, being sweet, appreciating
me, asking to take a photo. I always
stop and make sure I take time with
people that see me out in public. I
[ __ ] love you guys. But you'd think
with as much external proof and
reassurance that I have non-stop, I
could feel some kind of hope that when I
do this popup, people will come. When I
drop merch, people will want it. I don't
have it. And it's so destabilizing and
it's so not fun cuz I don't have any
stability with it. Like I genuinely
don't have any kind of what is the even
the word? I have no hope. Anytime I do
anything, I'm just kind of like I hope
it goes well, but I have no like
positive expectation of it. I'm just
like literally just like an
anxietyridden wreck of like hope it
works. Every time I post a video, I
never know if it's going to do well.
Most of my videos on Tik Tok for the
past four years, every video I've posted
has hit at least a million views.
Recently, they did this new update and
everything's kind of weird, but like
four years of every video I posted got a
million views plus. And every single
time I post, I wonder
I don't know if it's going to do well. I
don't know if people are going to like
it. I don't know if people are going to
like me. It's like I think that the
internet forgets about me and I think
that people stop caring about me a lot.
It's like every day I wake up I have no
faith that people will tune in to a
podcast or people will want to see what
I'm doing or like see a video that I'm
posting. I It's like that it just wipes
out of my brain every single time. And
you can understand why that's a painful
thing to experience. But like I said,
the broken cup of like no bottom. It's
like my life has been so much external
validation and I've been so confused and
I've felt very defective about it. Like
what the [ __ ] I should not be feeling
like this at this point. I should have
some kind of hope or some kind of
confidence that when I do something,
drop something, post a video that people
are going to care, that people still
like me, and that I'm likable. Like,
it's it's been the weirdest thing. And
even with kind things that I do or
things that I do for people, like when I
donated $25,000 to pay off school lunch
debt two months ago, I didn't get any
kind of like ooh self-esteem from it.
It's like I did it. It happened. I know
how many people that we helped cuz you
guys matched my donation within like 24
hours. You [ __ ] doubled it. And like
I'm so excited about that and happy
about that. I'm happy about the cause,
but personally I get no self-esteem from
it. like walking around like, "Yeah, I
helped all these people." I don't have
that gloat,
like validation. I don't what I don't
even know how to word this. I wish there
was a word to describe it. No matter
what I do, I don't feel safe that people
will still care about me or like me or
watch me or anything. That's kind of the
way to word it, I guess. And it was
driving me stupid. This got to This is
the thing that has taken me to a lot of
like dark spots before, but it took me
to a really really dark spot a couple
days ago. The thing with that experience
is like I have no self-worth or
self-esteem and like confidence with the
things that I do. I know that I'll
always show up for myself, but it's been
getting hard to do that. But people from
the outside don't see me that way.
Nobody knows that I feel like that with
when I make posts or release things or
sell things. Everybody just looks at me
like they have so much faith in me and
they have so much trust that what I do
will do well. And I've been so envious
of that. I'm like, I wish I could see
myself like that. I wish I could have
the faith that other people have in me.
I wish that I could have that like
perspective a little bit to like ease
some of thising like frantic
constantly trying to prove that I can't
prove. It's like proving my worth it and
I can't prove it. It doesn't matter how
many times I've proven it past what I
thought I could ever do. It's still
don't the cup's got no bottom. It just
go right through. I've been getting a
new understanding of transactional
love and like transactional dynamics
with things. I'm very transactional. I
like transactions. If you tell me, okay,
you can behave this way and you do these
things and then you get this outcome,
I'll take it. I have no problem with
that. I like it. I can exceed any
expectation or requirement of me. I've
done it. I've had to earn love my entire
[ __ ] life or I've felt like I've had
to. I've tried it all and I've I got to
a point where like I was ready to bash
my head into a wall and I was like,
"Fuck it. I'm just going to do what I
want to do." And then I've lost that
without realizing it. And where I talk
about the transactional thing of like
this is how like a friendship. This is
how you be a good friend and then you'll
get good friends in return is how I
always looked at it. This is how to be a
good brother. This is how to be a good
son. This is how to be a good person on
social media. This is how to be a good
business owner. Like the way that I
handle customer service issues. You guys
saw that. That was funny as [ __ ] to me
because I thought nobody really gave a
damn and appreciated like I came so much
out of pocket to rectify it for
everybody cuz I care. And then I saw
y'all on other people's asses like other
influencers who have had like issues
with their products and you're like we
saw how Leo Keepy handled it so cough it
up. That gagged me. I loved it. I
finally saw that you guys like
appreciated it. My whole thing with the transactional
transactional
relationships and the only way I've
known how to be is kind of transactional
now that I'm seeing it. I It feels
uncomfortable to say it, but like that's
just what the [ __ ] it is. Everything's
been a transaction for me with that.
I've felted over by God
so many times and for so long. So, I
kind of see how that could happen cuz
like you got to throw it at something
bigger than people in life when it gets
to a point of where you just wake up and
feel betrayed. It's like a betrayal has
just been a constant thing in my life
and feeling [ __ ] over and feeling like
I always get the short end of the stick.
I kind of like God showed me like a
different route which is unconditional
love. That's something that scares the
[ __ ] out of me. And I talked about it in
the last episode where I said feeling
blessed is terrifying to me. Like to
acknowledge that I'm blessed
is horrifying because if I'm blessed and
I don't know why, I don't know how to
maintain staying in God's favor. I don't
know how to not piss you off. I don't
know how to continue earning your
blessing. So, it all kind of just been
like coming to a head in different
little ways. But since just entertaining
the idea of unconditional love and kind
of like feeling it a little bit through
the lens of how God does, I feel like he
showed it to me for a second. Anything
about me that I used to feel value from
gone, wiped out. Like I last night had
probably one of the worst nights I've
had in a very long time. And I was just
sitting there writing and just like
sitting with myself cuz I was like, I
don't see any value in myself. I feel
completely [ __ ] worthless. And it's
like anything I would use to try and
reassure myself of certain character
traits about myself or appre like trying
to even have gratitude like just
blessings in my life like my cars and my
house. I couldn't I it it had no impact
on how I felt like I felt like
completely zero value, worthless. And
this is a thing that I've never heard
anyone talk about with trying to love
yourself and unconditional love and
earning love. When you're someone who
has only known earning love, like you've
always had to earn it and work for it
and prove yourself for it, you base your
self-worth off of the things that you
think will get you love is what I've
learned. So, I look at it like you have
like a scale of, okay, all these
different things about myself are how
you can place yourself on that scale.
And then your brain for safety will look
at these things whenever you feel
insecure or doubt or any kind of issue
of like someone not liking you. You have
this scale that you've built with all
these things about yourself, your
integrity, your personality, the way you
look, the way you treat people. There's
XYZ amount of [ __ ] [ __ ] that you can
use to increase your perceived
self-worth based on how lovable you
would be to other people. So that scale
is what I've been operating with my
whole life. It's like I've been able to
grade myself on a scale and I would take
a little bit of pride and feel a little
bit valuable when I saw these traits
that increased my likelihood of being
loved. So, I loved those things about
myself. I felt good when I saw those
things. And that's the way your brain
gets safety is like spotting these
things about yourself. But that scale is
just a measure of external validation.
When you bring in the idea of
unconditional love, it breaks that
scale. It throws it out the window. The
scale no longer exists. If you never had
to earn love,
if your brain is conditioned to evaluate
yourself on how good and how easy you
are to love and how much value you can
give to other people and how lovable you
are, if that's how you know how to get
your self worth and that's all how it's
all set up, when you take that away and
say you've never had to earn it, there's
nothing to base your worth around. And
that's what I've been caught in. And
that's where I got to a really, really
dark spot where I could not think and
figure out anything about myself that
had value at all. I couldn't see it
because when you crack open your
awareness to unconditional love, the
scale goes away. It disappears. So,
there's no way to grade your self-worth
anymore. And I had none last night.
Like, I literally felt
absolutely worthless. And then I started
to see Wait, like Leo, I was like
frantic. I'm like, "What do you like
about yourself?" Like, "Do you like
anything about yourself?" And I wrote
down, "I don't know." Because I realized
the things that I liked about myself
were just the best things on the scale.
I never stopped to appreciate things
about myself just to appreciate them. I
lost the ability to do that. Like, I
didn't have that. There was nothing I
appreciated about myself that I could
not exchange for love.
And that was not a nice pale.
I kind of look at it like poker chips.
Like all the different traits and values
that you have about yourself is like all
these little chips you're collecting. So
it it like bar helps your bargaining
chances when you're trying to gain
people's approval or gain their love.
It's like you can look down and see all
these chips. Okay, these are all the
reasons that people would like me. These
are all the reasons I would like someone
else. I have all these traits. Look how
lovable I am. You have all these chips
and it feels good when you're like able
to make a bet and you bet on yourself
for an opportunity or for a person to
love you or relationship, friendship,
whatever. You're betting on yourself.
You slide all these chips in and then
when it doesn't work or you still aren't
chosen, you still aren't loved. You
watch all those chips get wiped away.
And that's that devastation feeling that
I would feel all the time. feel over by
God of like I have all this value and
people just mistreat the [ __ ] out of it
like I'm start I'm going to start
hoarding my chips and it's like you
introduce the idea of unconditional love
the chips disappear there's no more chip
so [laughter]
there's no more traits and then it's
like wait did I even like anything on
those chips why did I have those chips
the traits were just to have a chip to
bargain but love is not something you
have to bargain for So this is the mind
that nobody will ever talk about and I
haven't seen anyone talk about it
because this is very uncomfortable to
talk about. Unconditional love is not an
easy thing to entertain and trying to
stop earning love, you lose yourself.
Then it's like, okay, one step further.
All the things you've been doing to earn
all these chips and collect all these
chips, why am I doing them? It's a whole
deconstruction of like your
self-identity and self-concept of like
with your actions and the way your life
is set up and what you value because you
don't know what you value. You only
value things that give you value in a
chip that you can bet. That's me right
now. But how I felt like another way I
can put this into words before I started
realizing all this, I felt like I had
every chip you could [ __ ] amass and
I'm sitting at a poker table. I keep
trying to bet them and the teller says
they're invalid.
Try it again. That's how I felt before.
It's like all the [ __ ] that I've done,
it didn't like invalid chips. Invalid.
Invalid. You don't even get to try and
bet it. Like it just the empty glass emo
emoji, the empty glass analogy where
there's no bottom to it. Just it falls
out. Anything any validation that comes
through falls right out. That's how it
feels with the chips. It's like I was
working so hard for all these chips, got
all these chips and it just keeps saying
error. They're all invalid. Like I could
never earn aing chip or they would take
them. And I'm like that's how it felt
emotionally that I could put it into
like a visual. But when I was writing
yesterday and I started getting to this,
I was like writing it out. I was like,
"Wow." I started crying. I did. I
boohooed. [laughter] It felt like such a
release and like an integration because
I weirdly became aware that like there's
so many things about myself that I've
haven't appreciated and haven't been
able to appreciate because I can't
exchange them for anything. I can't make
them be valuable to anybody else. And
that's my biggest problem with now
discovering things that I like just for
myself. Like for me to appreciate
something about myself,
I looked at it as useless. Like if other
people don't appreciate something and I
own it, what the [ __ ] is the point in
having it if I can't exchange it for
nothing? Like if it's worthless to
everybody else, but I like it. That's
not something smart to have. Let's go
ahead and get rid of it. Replace it with
something that I can trade or like have
that people would like. Does that make
sense? I looked at traits like that in
myself where all the times that I've
felt so unappreciated, it's like I got
to this point with my integrity and my
integrity has done nothing but bite me
in the ass. I was thinking like why am I
so hard and desperately holding on to my
integrity? I see zero benefit of it
besides I get to sleep peaceful at
night. I get [ __ ] in so many situations
situations
and it's like I should kill you, but I
don't cuz it's illegal. If it was legal,
best believe I'd have a whole hit list
of bodies under my [ __ ] belt. But my
integrity, it's like I was questioning
it like why the do I hold on to it so
hard for myself so I feel better? It's
like I see people with no integrity get
so far and get so much [ __ ] and I'm like
I could really just like take it there,
you know? Like if I just flip
I could really be
like the worst person that anyone's
evering seen. Like I really was
contemplating that cuz I'm like why do I
hold on to this integrity [ __ ] so hard?
It's like nobody seems to value it.
Nobody seems to care. And that's not a
chip that I've ever been able to bet.
And it's not something that I've felt is
appreciated at all in me. It's like it's
just a trait for me. So I feel better,
but I'm like why? Like for [ __ ] what?
Like just for me. Like I didn't care
about it any like I didn't care about it
for a second. I was like why am I even
holding on to this? I wouldn't want it
anymore. I felt like it was a useless
thing. Like my integrity as much as I
want to change it, I can't. It just is
how my brain works. It's my way of
making decisions. It doesn't cross my
mind certain things like it handling it
the way I'm going to handle it is just
how I do it. I don't think of the other
option until like after I'm like, "Oh, I
could have avoided this by [ __ ] them
over." Actually, like when I would be a
good friend to people and I wouldn't
receive good friendship back or I'd be
betrayed. I looked at the fact that I'm
a good friend as useless. like this is
not something that gets me anything.
Why am I a good friend? Like, let's
start questioning this chip. Why are we
holding it? Same thing with the
integrity. It's like when people
externally wouldn't appreciate
something, I would start to question it.
I would start to be like, why am I even
holding on to this chip? Why do I even
have this thing about myself? Why don't
I just get the rid of it? You know, so
that's that's not good. That's not like
a good way to be living. So I' I see now
like I was living my life not that
external validation
made me feel good as in numbers, money,
success, things like that. It's the
things about myself that I was allowed
to value are only what was valued.
That's the only time I could appreciate
something in myself was when it was
appreciated externally. Or else I would
see it as worthless. Like I got to that
point with my body and I'm like I look
the way that I do. I put a lot of effort
into myself. I don't sleep to [ __ ]
around. And I can't find a person who
appreciates that for [ __ ] So, it's
like, why am I holding on to this so
hard? Yes, it builds me up in my scale
of like earning worth, but I'm holding
on to this thing. Am I just supposed to
die alone knowing that I had integrity?
And then I had to start be like, wait,
wait. I got to question if I want this.
That's what came next was like, okay,
even if it's never externally validated,
do I want it? Do I like the way that I'm
living? Do I like who I am and how I am?
And that's been a question that's been
unfolding. But that's not a question I
was able to ask cuz I saw there was like
that's the rush feeling. It's like
there's no time to figure out what I
want to hold on to just for myself. I
didn't like stop and think of that. I
didn't feel like I could. It's like I I
feel like I was told by life what was
good or bad about me. I don't know where
a that comes from. But the weird weird
weird thing is when I first started my
podcast, I did like 60some episodes over
a year doing it before it ever got any
traction, before it ever got like people
listening and tuning in in numbers that
people would look at like, "Okay, it's
successful." But I was confident in my
episodes. Every single week when I put
out an episode, I was like, "Yes, this
is a good episode." I could feel good
about it. I was like, "Okay, this will
be appreciated." And that's the one
thing. It's like the value that I saw in
myself and what I was doing and the
things that I was sharing. That is what
carried me to keep going cuz I didn't
have the external validation of, oh,
there's followers, there's people
watching all this [ __ ] It's like that
was wasn't there. I actually could see
and feel the value in what I was doing
and that's what carried me to keep
going. And then it was just a matter of
time before the views caught up. But in
my head, I was so convicted in myself
and what I was sharing that I was like,
"Okay, the internet's eventually going
to appreciate what I'm sharing and what
I'm doing. They're eventually going to
appreciate it." And then I got to a
point I was like, it's probably going to
be after I'm dead. The videos will live
for a long time. I don't know if people
are going to appreciate me in this life,
but I feel called to talk about this
[ __ ] so I'm just going to do it. And I
was convicted in it. So convicted. I was
like, the value might not be seen. There
might not be any external appreciation
of this until after I'm dead. But I was
still convicted in it. After I started
getting traction on social media and
getting traction on the podcast and it
charted number one, I lost it. Like I
haven't felt convicted in what I'm
sharing and what I'm doing with any
episodes. It's like, yeah, I could say,
okay, the this one's good. I like this
one, but I never had conviction like I
did before before all the external validation.
validation.
So, it's the weirdest assessment to kind
of make and see. But I do feel like I'm
reconnecting with myself
before of like me who did things for me.
I've been caught up in the external
validation of it all. Even though it
didn't mean anything to me, it didn't
make me feel [ __ ] I still been caught
up in it. That don't make no sense. That
I pissed myself off. I need to drink
some water. I just pissed myself off.
That don't make no goddamn sense.
Now that I think about it, like back
then before I got like really big, I
didn't give a like if I got cancelled,
you couldn't make me question myself at
all. But I'm really stepping back into
like doing everything that I do for
myself. But another thing that was like
another little game I was playing with
myself that was not fair that I noticed
was money and doing things for myself
and doing things because I want to do
them. That's the whole like thing that
I've come to of like my new goal is like
seeing what I like about myself just
because I like it. And what do I want to
do just because I like to do it. That's
kind of how I live my life. But I feel
like it's about to kick up a notch. Like
just doing what I do just cuz I want to.
Like I don't give a damn. It's This is
the weirdest thing to explain because
it's not like how I've been living was
fake. It's like I just did it and
followed myself and valued how I felt
but felt [ __ ] over. And it's like now
I feel like I'm finally going to go into
doing what I want to do without feeling
[ __ ] over, which is nice because
there's no more transaction. It's just
like unconditionally loving myself and
doing what the [ __ ] I want to do cuz I
want to do it. But the whole like stress
of money came up. And [snorts] I didn't
realize how much of my self-worth is
tied up in how much money I make and
have. I think that's something all men
deal with. You should to some extent.
Like you should
Sorry. Pay for the [ __ ] women. What
is this new age [ __ ] I don't know.
I don't like it. I'm Albanian. I'm old
school. Take care of the [ __ ] girls.
All right. Financial stress is for men.
Okay. I don't go against women wanting
to make their own money. I think they
should. Like, if you want to, go for it.
But like, as men,
you got some obligation. Take care of
the women, gay or not. Like, I don't
understand that genuinely.
And that's not for external validation.
That's because that's how the [ __ ] I am.
I like to take care of people and I
especially like to take care of women.
But anyway, I was starting to stress out
about money. I started to get like my
self-worth was so like tied up the [ __ ]
in it. And I'm like looking at all of
the numbers that I have on social media,
looking at all of the ways that I've
worked and done so much and the way that
my life is set up where it's like I'm
recognized everywhere I go. I'm like,
for me to be at this level and still be
worrying about money, I'm [ __ ] pathetic.
pathetic.
That was how I was judging myself. Like,
I looked at it like I was soing mad at
myself, but I was mad at God, too. Cuz
it's like, sure, I could do so many
things and capitalize in so many ways,
but I choose not to for myself. And
that's something I feel a lot better
about. But I was beating myself up for
having my self-worth be based off of how
much money I make and have. But I don't
force myself to live in a way where I
focus on that. I live in a way where I
prioritize the way that I feel. I don't
enjoy constantly trying to monetize
[ __ ] And that's another thing that
popped in my head is like a reason why
people I think on social media like me
is I'm not monetizing every goddamn
thing that I can. Okay, that is
irritating. Like with Tik Tok, like the
Tik Tok shop, you never seen me on
there. You're never going to see me
doing that. I don't do brand deals. I
would do some if these brands could get
their [ __ ] together. If there's one that
aligns, I would love to do it. But I
don't jump at every opportunity. I'm not
trying to monetize every single thing. I
genuinely make content cuz I want to
make it. With my podcast deal, I gave
that up
with how my podcast is doing right now.
I should have a podcast deal for a
million dollars a year right now.
Minimum. Like minimum guarantee a
million. I choose not to do that. And I
gave up one
last year for the freedom. Like I like
that I don't have a rigid schedule and I
don't have ad slots I have to do and
like constantly vetting and constantly
like interrupting myself. It's like my
soul didn't want to be interrupted
anymore. So I got rid of the podcast
deal and then my podcast blew the [ __ ]
up again. So I should be making buku
money from my podcast. But I choose to
live my life based on how it feels for
me, not what makes the most money. I
don't like to live a slave to money. And
it's not like, oh, I have so much money
where I wouldn't have to worry about the
podcast deal. I'm [ __ ] stressing out
financially right now. Okay, just to be
transparent. Am I regretting not doing
the podcast deal? No. That's just
something about me that I now, since
learning all this, appreciate. It's like
that whole thing I had of my self-worth
wrapped up in money. I'm always going to
make money. I'm always going to find a
way to do something. I've got enough
skills with that,
but I don't like to live my life with
that as a constant focus of how can I
make more. I want to live. I want to
have fun. I don't want my focus being on
this [ __ ] all the time. It's like trying
to talk to other people online or other
business people. I want to go to lunch
and hang out. I want to go have human
interaction. I don't want to be sitting
here trying to hustle and bustle and
think of all these ideas. It's a waste
of my time. I like to enjoy my life. I
like to have fun. I like to be around
people that I like and experience the
time with them. Not be constantly
monetizing every [ __ ] day. Like, it
literally irritates me. But I choose not
to live my life in that way. So, for me
to choose not to make monetizing every
single thing that I do my number one
priority and then still have that unfair
contract with myself of your self-worth
is based on how much money you have.
That's not fair. And I'm not doing it no
more. like I'm over it. I actually
appreciate the way that I live my life
and I have more fun. Like, yeah, money
comes and goes. It always [ __ ] will,
but I'm not willing to throw away my
life and having fun in life to pigeon
hole and make that my number one
priority because I feel like that would
lose what makes me me. Like, I'm able to
be carefree and have fun and be myself
and talk any [ __ ] that I want and talk
about whatever I want. Because if I'm
trying to monetize, I have to be brand
safe. I have to talk about certain
things. Can't be this honest. Can't be
that. It's like it would remove me. It
would like destroy who I am. And I can
appreciate that in myself now. So, I'm
just rambling at this point. But this is
everything I've kind of learned about
the whole like earning love [ __ ] and
like unconditional love. It's a process.
And if you feel stuck in a pit like
that, just look at that. Look at what
I've just talked about with like the
poker chips and like feeling like you
have to earn love and it's been useless.
There's a way out and it's back to yourself
yourself
because I already feel so much better. I
already feel like lifted out of this fog
that I've been in for a minute and I'm
just like okay like a truly back to me
like uno reverse card back to you. Yeah.
And the more time I spend with myself
and like writing and seeing what I like
about myself just because I like it, not
because it has to be exchanged for
anything. I feel free. I feel like happy
and I feel like I see so many things
about myself that I like now. And I
don't like them just because they're for
betting and they're to get something.
They're like offer and trade. It's like
no, I just like it cuz I like it. So,
it's like how I said before, what's the
benefit of having something that nobody
else sees as valuable? It comes down to
your perspective, your focus. If you
value it, it's valuable. It only takes
one person to value something to make it valuable.
valuable.
I didn't just say that. So, that makes
sense. My soul just talked right out my
mouth. [laughter]
But yeah, if you got to be that one
person, one person's focus is all it
takes to make something valuable, I
think. And if you got to be that for
yourself for now, so be it. But this is
also a weird thing cuz I've like
I'm seeing how I am unconditionally
loved by a lot more people than I
thought. I don't trust people as far as
I could [ __ ] throw them. But there's
some some people in my life that I
really trust and there's some people
that I have unconditional love with. But
my lens on the situation has been a
subconscious thought of it is
transactional. Like I have to be this
way, do these things, act this way, and
it's not true. And I'm like, soon as I
open the lens to unconditional love
toward myself, it's like I'm seeing it.
It's like the windows getting cleared
and I can see through it. I'm like,
"Hey, wait. I got it over here. I got it
over here. Fine."
But yeah, that's what I've been learning
and thinking and feeling and going
through. hasn't been fun, but I'm glad I
get to share it
actually. And I do have faith in this
episode. I do have confidence in it
because I know exactly how much this
just helped me and what this kind of
like lifted me up out of. I was in a
dark [ __ ] pit.
But yeah, that's it. That's all I think
I got to say for this episode. Reminder
again about the pop-up if you would like
to come. Pop-up store. I'm dropping
sunglasses, a bunch of merch that you
don't know about yet. It's like secret
stuff for the popup. I got to give you
[ __ ] to be excited about when you walk
in the store. This that. Yeah. And then
I'll be there doing a meet and greet.
So, you get to meet me, hang out with
me, shop. Also, I was going to see I'm
going to do it. I was going to do a
bartender and serve champagne for free.
I'll buy you champagne. I'm also going
to give out water, too, for my sober
folks. I'm still sober, don't worry.
Since the last episode, let's not take
it too far. But yeah, I'm I'm going to
do it. I'm not going to ask you. I'm
just going to do it. I'm provide for
you. Okay. So, the dates are March 28th
and 29th in Houston if you would like to
go. I would love for you to come. So,
that's it. Hope everybody has a good
Valentine's Day. Oh, this is going to
come out on Sunday. No, I'm going to
post it. I'm recording this on Friday.
I'm going to post it tomorrow on
Saturday. Happy [ __ ] Valentine, my
baby. I'll make you That's my gift to
you because I love you so bad. I'll post
this on Valentine's. [laughter]
Okay, that's all. I'm going to go to
Houston and go take a couple of my
girlfriends to dinner tomorrow for
Valentine's Day. But that's it
everybody. Be safe. Take care of
yourself. And I'll talk to you guys next
Sunday. For real this time. I know I
skipped last week, but I'm going to be
back next Sunday. Promise. I'm out of my
funk. Okay. Picky promise. [laughter] picture.
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