Hang tight while we fetch the video data and transcripts. This only takes a moment.
Connecting to YouTube player…
Fetching transcript data…
We’ll display the transcript, summary, and all view options as soon as everything loads.
Next steps
Loading transcript tools…
The UNIQUE way EACH TYPE of narcissist keeps you TRAPPED | DoctorRamani | YouTubeToText
YouTube Transcript: The UNIQUE way EACH TYPE of narcissist keeps you TRAPPED
Skip watching entire videos - get the full transcript, search for keywords, and copy with one click.
Share:
Video Transcript
What drew you
into the narcissistic relationship that
you were in or are in? Let's just take
out family relationships for now because
you didn't choose those.
But what I'm going to share here in this
video will be relevant to those. But
any narcissistic relationship,
especially like a partner or friendship,
what made this person compelling enough
to hang out, to want to hang out? Attractiveness,
Attractiveness, intelligence,
intelligence,
shared values,
similar background, money, charisma,
charisma, charm,
charm, confidence,
confidence, fun.
fun.
something powerful like they would take
care of stuff. Maybe even that they were
older or more wise or more established.
You felt useful,
they listened,
or was it just right place, right time?
What was it? Now, that's an exercise for
you to do.
I listed a bunch of stuff. The thing
that made you want to hang with them,
whatever, maybe something that's not on
this list. Now, remember,
we meet interesting people quite often.
That doesn't mean we keep hanging out
with them. We may meet a person who's
interesting, learn a few things,
understand their appeal,
but might even say, "I don't need to
talk to them again.
I literally just had that happen to me
last night, so I understand.
But something was not only attractive
about them,
but the far more important issue is that
there was something that kept you
saying, "Yeah, I want to spend more time
with this person." And then something
even more important happened. Something
kept you stuck.
Listen, just like that list of things
that attracts us, everything from
attractiveness to fun to smarts to all
of it, the stuff that keeps us in
includes all the stuff on the attraction
list. And then you can add stuff like
inertia, comfort, something to do.
In a healthy relationship,
all of this can then blossom into a
lifelong partnership or friendship.
In a narcissistic relationship,
relationship,
all of this can then fester into being stuck.
stuck.
Staying in a relationship and being
stuck are not the same thing. Staying in
is really that keep going piece, right?
The first date becomes the 30th date
becomes moving in together or getting
engaged or traveling together. staying
is that you keep making plans
and may not even really be registering
that something's wrong. If something is
wrong, maybe again a few small red
flags, a few pink flags, but mostly if
you're staying in, it feels generally
fine and you're in it.
Now there is a day
when the story shifts
and it's no longer about staying
but it becomes about being stuck.
It's no longer about I am in this and
it's my relationship but it's more about
this is not good for me and I do not
know what to do. By this time, many
people have learned about narcissism and
its dynamics,
and some have not.
But what you do know is that you're not happy.
happy.
But also, you're thinking, I don't know
what to do. Stuck means confusion. Do I
go? Do I not? Is it me? Is it them? Some
of this relationship is fine. Some of it
is awful.
And that's where I'd like to think
YouTube channels like this matter, where
we can break down concepts like trauma
bonds and the whole narcissistic
relationship mess and hopefully you get
more clarity. However, stuckness is not
always the same and it can vary on the
basis of the type of narcissistic
relationship you are in.
While there are multiple types of narcissism,
narcissism,
we are going to stick with the big
three. Grandiose,
vulnerable, and malignant.
And the reasons you are stuck
are going to be quite different
depending on which of these types of
relationship you are in.
So, let's start with relationships
with the malignant narcissistic folks.
This tends to be more severe narcissism,
more manipulative, more isolating, more
controlling, more exploitative, and
taking advantages of your
vulnerabilities or playing on your
vulnerabilities more coercive.
It is possible
that this malignant narcissistic person
can have some vulnerable features like
playing the victim or some grandiose
features like being charming in a crowd.
But by and large, malignant narcissistic
people are willing to be mean.
They kind of are mean, very, very mean.
and then act
as though their cruelty is warranted or
minimize their cruelty or allege that
their cruelty is misunderstood.
People in relationships with malignant
narcissists are stuck
because they're scared.
And for good reason.
Post-sepparation abuse is very likely to
happen, especially since coercive
control is much more likely to be
witnessed in these relationships.
Not only is the relationship comprised
of highlevel manipulation
because it is also compounded by
isolation. People in these relationships
are caught in toxic echo chambers where
they keep wondering, "Is it me?" And
they're also told, "Yeah, it's you." And
the only voice they hear is that of the
malignant narcissistic person saying it
over and over again, "Yep, you're the
problem." So, the confusion is overwhelming.
overwhelming.
But despite that internal
self-questioning process, there is also
the rational fear of what will happen if
I leave.
Malignant narcissistic partners are
masterful at manipulating not just children
children
but also adults in the environment
to their side of the thinking to their
side of what the what's happening in
their relationship. They use financial
control and the power they have in the
world to make life very difficult if not
dangerous for someone who would consider
leaving the relationship.
The entitlement plus the malevolence of
the malignant narcissistic person means
that they truly do believe that they
should get anything they want.
And malignant narcissistic people are
very vindictive.
There is a sadistic punitive element to
this version of narcissism,
which means that the post-sepparation
landscape isn't just a few angry texts,
but can be a multi-year terrifying
low or high level stalking, tech abuse,
legal abuse, and that's real. Anytime I
have shephered someone through a divorce
with a malignant narcissistic person,
they have looked at me and said, "Dr.
Romney, if I knew it was going to be
this hard, I'm not sure I would have
started down this road." Now, people are
relieved down the road when they do get
to the other side.
But while they are in it, and it can go
on for years, many have developed severe
physical and psychological illnesses,
unmanageable anxiety, and financial devastation.
devastation.
So the fear,
realistic and internal, is the stuck
factor here in malignant narcissistic
relationships. Listen, the true crime
world is full of stories of the worst
outcomes that can happen when someone
attempts to leave a malignant
narcissistic person. And outside of
these kinds of stories, we still hear
protracted family court stories about
long-term harassment, severe financial
abuse, and survivors who live with
symptoms of complex trauma for a long time.
time. Then
Then
we have vulnerable narcissism.
And the stuck factor here in
relationships with people who have who
are vulnerably narcissistic are pity and
guilt. What I call the magnet emotions.
The stuff that makes it hard to leave
because you feel bad.
Vulnerable narcissism can look like
anxiety or depression.
And those may also be present for the
vulnerably narcissistic person. And it
may just look like anxiety and
depression for a long time. Vulnerable
narcissism can also manifest as failure
to launch, social isolation, less of
that charisma charm stuff, and more of a
socially unskilled, sullen, petulant,
victimized, passive aggressive person.
It's like being in a relationship with a
wet, moldy towel that yells at you, but
that when it is dry, it feels like that
that towel needs your help.
When you are in a relationship with a
vulnerable narcissistic partner or friend,
friend,
you feel like a therapist slifecoach slashpacifier
slashpacifier
who is on call 24 hours a day to
appease, reassure, cheerlead, and above
all else, always pick up the slack.
In relationships with vulnerable
narcissistic partners,
you aren't
doing all the stuff around the house and
keeping everything just so because you
were scared,
but rather you're doing it because it is
easier than listening to their
adolescent whimpering because they don't
want to empty the dishwasher BS
or because they are so busy on their
grandiose fantasy project that's never
going to make any money.
The stuck factor in the vulnerable
narcissistic relationship,
as I said, is very much pity and guilt
because many folks in these
relationships think,
"I'm not convinced that this person
could even think them their way out of a
paper bag, let alone care for themselves."
themselves."
or because there are so many negative
moods like depression or anxiety mixed
in there. It may feel for many people in
these relationships like I can't leave
them. They're down on their luck. It
doesn't feel good for me to step away
from someone where it isn't coming together.
together.
You may strangely feel responsible for them.
them.
This is the group of folks that often
erroneously get the label codependent.
Now, the vacasillation
between the vulnerable narcissistic
person's passive aggressive tantrums,
silent treatment, but then the moments
where you actually see them try and it
can be painful to watch, but they just
can't stick the landing and then they're
mad at you when they get it wrong.
It can definitely be confusing.
The more empathic and compassionate and
patient you are,
the more that you will feel stuck in a
relationship with somebody who is a
vulnerable narcissist.
Because even as you are eroding and
getting exhausted and worn out more and
more every day and often taking on more
and more as part of the traumab bonded
experience here that sense of
responsibility, feeling sorry for them
almost like you have to stay in it
because no one else will with them or
just a sense of guilt
about thinking about even leaving someone
someone
when they aren't doing well or life
isn't going the way that they had hoped.
And in many cases,
you may also feel that they aren't up to
the task of co-parenting or parallel
parenting can mean that the guilt and
pity are the stuck factors.
And then there are the grandiose
narcissistic folks. And what is so often
the stuck factor here?
Most often, interestingly, it is, what
if I'm wrong?
Grandio narcissistic partners are
challenging in that if they don't have
too much malignant, angry stuff
sprinkled on top. And especially with
grandiose narcissists when everything is
going their way or at least most things
are going their way or they think that
they're going their way.
The charm and charisma and extraversion
can show up regularly and yes they will
treat you with contempt. And this is the
narcissistic type that tends to be most
likely to betray through infidelity and cheating.
cheating.
The roller coaster of these grandiose
narcissistic relationships, their
hypocrisy and double standards, flirting
shamelessly in front of you, having
contempt for you, being tantruming and
titled brats when things don't go their way.
way.
Demanding attention from everyone,
expecting to be the center of attention
everywhere they go. and perhaps even
feeling competitive with a
seven-year-old who's getting all the
attention on their birthday party day.
If the grandiose narcissistic person
has other stuff that's going for them,
going the way they want in their lives,
for example, they are able to provide a
nice lifestyle or they have a large
social group that they are part of. The
trauma bond here can be tough
because the peaks and valleys can be
extremes of really fun, memorable
moments with them to really humiliating
and dehumanizing.
But people in these relationships with
grandiose narcissistic folks because
there often is jealousy and triangulation
triangulation
will wonder,
"Oh gosh, they are attractive or we do
have a nice life or they're fun or we do
fun things or we travel or we have these
big gettogethers or we entertain or the
grandkids like them." People feel stuck
because there is a lot to like sometimes
and they'll often wonder what if I'm
wrong. It isn't always bad. There are
things that are good. Maybe I am being
too fussy. Maybe I have an unrealistic
idea of how relationships should be.
Enough stuff here is fun. Grandio
narcissistic relationships
can interestingly work pretty good in in
terms of structurally. The betrayal
makes them less than optimal psychologically.
psychologically.
But with grandiose narcissistic folks,
life can be good and pleasant and
engaging and even fun at times. And
since there's an army of enablers that
tends to ride along on the grandiose
narcissistic person's gravy train, it
can contribute to that stuckness that
you may feel that they do have a merry
band of validators and admirers, which
can not only leave you questioning
yourself more
and then that of course there's that
age-old fear. What if this next person
that they're probably already fooling
around with gets the better version of
them? There's not a better version, but
there's also the issue of that this big
group of people that they're embedded
in, you may like spending time with some
of them, too. In my experience,
grandiose narcissistic folks are the
narcissistic type that is the most
likely to end the relationship
themselves, largely because they get
their new supply sorted out before
leaving. The malignant narcissistic
people are getting their supply through
power and domination. So if that dynamic
is firmly in place in their
relationship, ending it doesn't make
sense for them.
And the vulnerable narcissistic folks
are getting their supply through having
targets for their grievances and anger
about how unfair the world is to them.
And whomever is willing to be around and
be the audience for that is not likely
to be be replaced. And it's also kind of
exhausting for a vulnerable narcissist
to go out there and find someone else.
And because the threat of replacement is
always looming in a grandiose
narcissistic relationship far more than
with other types. Again, the stuck
factor is more of not wanting to let go
of something that has its shiny moments.
and that it seems like at some time at
times other people seem really keen to
take away from you. You know how it is.
We aren't ever as interested in the
thing in our life as when we think
someone else wants it. That's even true
with a grandiose narcissistic partner.
With the other types like communal and
self-righteous narcissism, some of the
stuckness relates to what the prevailing
flavor of the big three types they have.
Communal malignant narcissist, that sort
of cult leader type, that fear part will
prevail. communal, grandiose narcissist.
The I don't want to walk away too soon
because maybe they're not so bad may be
what keeps you stuck. Stuck is
everything when it comes to
understanding narcissistic
relationships. This isn't about you
being a narcissist magnet or having a
bad picker or being a sucker or being a
codependent. It's about the insidious
dynamics of these relationships that
make some folks more vulnerable to
stuckness than others.
And then that gets multiplied by the
type of narcissism it is.
If you have had more than one type of
narcissist or one more than one
narcissistic relationship in your life,
you know what I mean and may very well
see that your form of stuckness varied
on the basis of the type of narcissist
you were in a relationship with.
Click on any text or timestamp to jump to that moment in the video
Share:
Most transcripts ready in under 5 seconds
One-Click Copy125+ LanguagesSearch ContentJump to Timestamps
Paste YouTube URL
Enter any YouTube video link to get the full transcript
Transcript Extraction Form
Most transcripts ready in under 5 seconds
Get Our Chrome Extension
Get transcripts instantly without leaving YouTube. Install our Chrome extension for one-click access to any video's transcript directly on the watch page.
Chrome Extension