you feel like a therapist slifecoach slashpacifier
slashpacifier
who is on call 24 hours a day to
appease, reassure, cheerlead, and above
all else, always pick up the slack.
In relationships with vulnerable
narcissistic partners,
you aren't
doing all the stuff around the house and
keeping everything just so because you
were scared,
but rather you're doing it because it is
easier than listening to their
adolescent whimpering because they don't
want to empty the dishwasher BS
or because they are so busy on their
grandiose fantasy project that's never
going to make any money.
The stuck factor in the vulnerable
narcissistic relationship,
as I said, is very much pity and guilt
because many folks in these
relationships think,
"I'm not convinced that this person
could even think them their way out of a
paper bag, let alone care for themselves."
themselves."
or because there are so many negative
moods like depression or anxiety mixed
in there. It may feel for many people in
these relationships like I can't leave
them. They're down on their luck. It
doesn't feel good for me to step away
from someone where it isn't coming together.
together.
You may strangely feel responsible for them.
them.
This is the group of folks that often
erroneously get the label codependent.
Now, the vacasillation
between the vulnerable narcissistic
person's passive aggressive tantrums,
silent treatment, but then the moments
where you actually see them try and it
can be painful to watch, but they just
can't stick the landing and then they're
mad at you when they get it wrong.
It can definitely be confusing.
The more empathic and compassionate and
patient you are,
the more that you will feel stuck in a
relationship with somebody who is a
vulnerable narcissist.
Because even as you are eroding and
getting exhausted and worn out more and
more every day and often taking on more
and more as part of the traumab bonded
experience here that sense of
responsibility, feeling sorry for them
almost like you have to stay in it
because no one else will with them or
just a sense of guilt
about thinking about even leaving someone
someone
when they aren't doing well or life
isn't going the way that they had hoped.
And in many cases,
you may also feel that they aren't up to
the task of co-parenting or parallel
parenting can mean that the guilt and
pity are the stuck factors.
And then there are the grandiose
narcissistic folks. And what is so often
the stuck factor here?
Most often, interestingly, it is, what
if I'm wrong?
Grandio narcissistic partners are
challenging in that if they don't have
too much malignant, angry stuff
sprinkled on top. And especially with
grandiose narcissists when everything is
going their way or at least most things
are going their way or they think that
they're going their way.
The charm and charisma and extraversion
can show up regularly and yes they will
treat you with contempt. And this is the
narcissistic type that tends to be most
likely to betray through infidelity and cheating.
cheating.
The roller coaster of these grandiose
narcissistic relationships, their
hypocrisy and double standards, flirting
shamelessly in front of you, having
contempt for you, being tantruming and
titled brats when things don't go their way.
way.
Demanding attention from everyone,
expecting to be the center of attention
everywhere they go. and perhaps even
feeling competitive with a
seven-year-old who's getting all the
attention on their birthday party day.
If the grandiose narcissistic person
has other stuff that's going for them,
going the way they want in their lives,
for example, they are able to provide a
nice lifestyle or they have a large
social group that they are part of. The
trauma bond here can be tough
because the peaks and valleys can be
extremes of really fun, memorable
moments with them to really humiliating
and dehumanizing.
But people in these relationships with
grandiose narcissistic folks because
there often is jealousy and triangulation
triangulation
will wonder,
"Oh gosh, they are attractive or we do
have a nice life or they're fun or we do
fun things or we travel or we have these
big gettogethers or we entertain or the
grandkids like them." People feel stuck
because there is a lot to like sometimes
and they'll often wonder what if I'm
wrong. It isn't always bad. There are
things that are good. Maybe I am being
too fussy. Maybe I have an unrealistic
idea of how relationships should be.
Enough stuff here is fun. Grandio
narcissistic relationships
can interestingly work pretty good in in
terms of structurally. The betrayal
makes them less than optimal psychologically.
psychologically.
But with grandiose narcissistic folks,
life can be good and pleasant and
engaging and even fun at times. And
since there's an army of enablers that
tends to ride along on the grandiose
narcissistic person's gravy train, it
can contribute to that stuckness that
you may feel that they do have a merry
band of validators and admirers, which
can not only leave you questioning
yourself more
and then that of course there's that
age-old fear. What if this next person
that they're probably already fooling
around with gets the better version of
them? There's not a better version, but
there's also the issue of that this big
group of people that they're embedded
in, you may like spending time with some
of them, too. In my experience,
grandiose narcissistic folks are the
narcissistic type that is the most
likely to end the relationship
themselves, largely because they get
their new supply sorted out before
leaving. The malignant narcissistic
people are getting their supply through
power and domination. So if that dynamic
is firmly in place in their
relationship, ending it doesn't make
sense for them.
And the vulnerable narcissistic folks
are getting their supply through having
targets for their grievances and anger
about how unfair the world is to them.
And whomever is willing to be around and
be the audience for that is not likely
to be be replaced. And it's also kind of
exhausting for a vulnerable narcissist
to go out there and find someone else.
And because the threat of replacement is
always looming in a grandiose
narcissistic relationship far more than
with other types. Again, the stuck
factor is more of not wanting to let go
of something that has its shiny moments.
and that it seems like at some time at
times other people seem really keen to
take away from you. You know how it is.
We aren't ever as interested in the
thing in our life as when we think
someone else wants it. That's even true
with a grandiose narcissistic partner.
With the other types like communal and
self-righteous narcissism, some of the
stuckness relates to what the prevailing
flavor of the big three types they have.
Communal malignant narcissist, that sort
of cult leader type, that fear part will
prevail. communal, grandiose narcissist.
The I don't want to walk away too soon
because maybe they're not so bad may be
what keeps you stuck. Stuck is
everything when it comes to
understanding narcissistic
relationships. This isn't about you
being a narcissist magnet or having a
bad picker or being a sucker or being a
codependent. It's about the insidious
dynamics of these relationships that
make some folks more vulnerable to
stuckness than others.
And then that gets multiplied by the
type of narcissism it is.
If you have had more than one type of
narcissist or one more than one
narcissistic relationship in your life,
you know what I mean and may very well
see that your form of stuckness varied
on the basis of the type of narcissist
you were in a relationship with.
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